SEASON 1

- 101 Monica Gets A Roommate

- 102 The Sonogram At The End

- 103 The Thumb

- 104 George Stephanopoulos

- 105 The East German Laundry Detergent

- 106 The Butt

- 107 The Blackout

- 108 Nana Dies Twice

- 109 Underdog Gets Away

- 110 The Monkey

- 111 Mrs. Bing

- 112 The Dozen Lasagnas

- 113 The Boobies

- 114 The Candy Hearts

- 115 The Stoned Guy

- 116 The Two Parts, Part I

- 117 The Two Parts, Part II

- 118 All The Poker

- 119 The Monkey Gets Away

- 120 The Evil Orthodontist

- 121 The Fake Monica

- 122 The Ick Factor

- 123 The Birth

- 124 Rachel Finds Out

SEASON 2

- 201 Ross's New Girlfriend

- 202 The Breast Milk

- 203 Heckles Dies

- 204 Phoebe's Husband

- 205 Five Steaks And An Eggplant

- 206 The Baby On The Bus

- 207 Ross Finds Out

- 208 The List

- 209 Phoebe's Dad

- 210 Russ

- 211 The Lesbian Wedding

- 212-213 The Superbowl

- 214 The Prom Video

- 215 Ross And Rachel... You Know

- 216 Joey Moves Out

- 217 Eddie Moves In

- 218 Dr. Ramoray Dies

- 219 Eddie Won't Go

- 220 uld Yeller Dies

- 221 The Bullies

- 222 The Two Parties

- 223 The Chicken Pox

- 224 Barry And Mindy's Wedding

SEASON 3

- 301 The Princess Leia Fantasy

- 302 No One's Ready

- 303 The Jam

- 304 The Metaphorical Tunnel

- 305 Frank Jr.

- 306 The Flashback

- 307 The Race Car Bed

- 308 The Giant Poking Device

- 309 The Football

- 310 Rachel Quits

- 311 Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister

- 312 All The Jealousy

- 313 Monica And Richard Are Just Friends

- 314 Phoebe's Ex-Partner

- 315 Ross And Rachel Take A Break

- 316 The Morning After

- 317 The Ski Trip

- 318 The Hypnosis Tape

- 319 The Tiny T-Shirt

- 320 The Dullhouse

- 321 The Chick And The Duck

- 322 The Screamer

- 323 Ross's Thing

- 324 The Ultimate Fighting Champion

- 325 At The Beach

SEASON 4

- 401 The Jellyfish

- 402 The Cat

- 403 The Cuffs

- 404 The Ballroom Dancing

- 405 Joey's New Girlfriend

- 406 The Dirty Girl

- 407 Chandler Crosses The Line

- 408 Chandler In A Box

- 409 They're Going To Party

- 410 The Girl From Poughkeepsie

- 411 Phoebe's Uterus

- 412 The Embryos

- 413 Rachel's Crush

- 414 Joey's Dirty Day

- 415 All The Rugby

- 416 The Fake Party

- 417 The Free Porn

- 418 Rachel's New Dress

- 419 All The Haste

- 420 The Wedding Dresses

- 421 The Invitation

- 422 The Worst Best Man Ever

- 423 Ross's Wedding

SEASON 5

- 501 Ross Says Rachel

- 502 All The Kissing

- 503 Hundredth

- 504 Phoebe Hates PBS

- 505 The Kips

- 506 The Yeti

- 507 Ross Moves In

- 508 The Thanksgiving Flashbacks

- 509 Ross's Sandwich

- 510 The Inappropriate Sister

- 511 All The Resulutions

- 512 Chandler's Work Laugh

- 513 Joey's Bag

- 514 Everybody Finds Out

- 515 The Girl Who Hits Joey

- 516 The Cop

- 517 Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss

- 518 Rachel Smokes

- 519 Ross Can't Flirt

- 520 The Ride Along

- 521 The Ball

- 522 Joey's Big Break

- 523 In Vegas

SEASON 6

- 601 Vegas

- 602 Ross Hugs Rachel

- 603 Ross's Denial

- 604 Joey Loses His Insurance

- 605 Joey's Porsche

- 606 On The Last Night

- 607 Phoebe Runs

- 608 Ross's Teeth

- 609 Ross Got High

- 610 The Routine

- 611 The Apothecary Table

- 612 The Joke

- 613 Rachel's Sister

- 614 Chandler Can't Cry

- 615-616 That Could Have Been, Part I & II

- 617 Unagi

- 618 Ross Dates A Student

- 619 Joey's Fridge

- 620 Mac And C.H.E.E.S.E.

- 621 Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad

- 622 Paul's The Man

- 623 The Ring

- 624 The Proposal, Part I & II

SEASON 7

- 701 Monica's Thunder

- 702 Rachel's Book

- 703 Phoebe's Cookies

- 704 Rachel's Assistant

- 705 The Engagement Picture

- 706 The Nap Partners

- 707 Ross's Library Book

- 708 Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs

- 709 All The Candy

- 710 The Huliday Armadillo

- 711 All The Cheesecakes

- 712 They're Up All Night

- 713 Rosita Dies

- 714 They All Turn Thirty

- 715 Joey's New Brain

- 716 The Truth About London

- 717 The Cheap Wedding Dress

- 718 Joey's Award

- 719 Ross And Monica's Cousin

- 720 Rachel's Big Kiss

- 721 The Vows

- 722 Chandler's Dad

- 723 Chandler And Monica's Wedding

- 724 outtakesFriends Special: The Stuff You've Never Seen

SEASON 8

- 801 "I Do"

- 802 The Red Sweater

- 803 Rachel Tells...

- 804 The Videotape

- 805 Rachel's Date

- 806 The Halloween Party

- 807 The Stain

- 808 The Stripper

- 809 The Rumor

- 810 Monica's Boots

- 811 Ross's Step Forward

- 812 Joey Dates Rachel

- 813 Chandler Takes A Bath

- 814 The Secret Closet

- 815 The Birthing Video

- 816 Joey Tells Rachel

- 817 The Tea Leaves

- 818 In Massapequa

- 819 Joey's Interview

- 820 The Baby Shower

- 821 The Cooking Class

- 822 Rachel Is Late

- 823 Rachel Has A Baby

SEASON 9

- 901 No One Proposes

- 902 Emma Cries

- 903 The Pediatrician

- 904 The Sharks

- 905 Phoebe's Birthday Dinner

- 906 The Male Nanny

- 907 Ross's Inappropriate Song

- 908 Rachel's Other Sister

- 909 Rachel's Phone Number

- 910 Christmas In Tulsa

- 911 Rachel Goes Back To Work

- 912 Phoebe's Rats

- 913 Monica Sings

- 914 The Blind Dates

- 915 The Mugging

- 916 The Boob Job

- 917 The Memorial Service

- 918 The Lottery

- 919 Rachel's Dream

- 920 The Soap Opera Party

- 921 The Fertility Test

- 922 The Donor

- 923-924 In Barbados

SEASON 10

- 1001 Joey and Rachel Kiss

- 1002 Ross Is Fine

- 1003 Ross's Tan

- 1004 The Cake

- 1005 Rachel's Sister Babysits

- 1006 Ross's Grant

- 1007 The Home Study

- 1008 The Late Thanksgiving

- 1009 The Birth Mother

- 1010 Chandler Gets Caught

- 1011 The Stripper Cries

- 1012 Phoebe's Wedding

- 1013 Joey Speaks French

- 1014 Princess Consuela

- 1015 Estelle Dies

- 1016 Rachel's Going Away Party

- 1017-1018 The Last One, Part I & II

The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Transcribed by: guineapig

Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen

(Note: The previously unseen parts of this episode are shown in blue text.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]

Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler: All right Joey, be nice.  So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?

(They all stare, bemused.)

Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

[Time Lapse]

Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

Joey: Instead of...?

Chandler: That's right.

Joey: Never had that dream.

Phoebe: No.

Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?!

Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!

[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]

Ross: (mortified) Hi.

Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

Chandler: Cookie?

Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.

Joey: Ohh.

Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)

Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe: Fine!  Be murky!

Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica: No you don't.

Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...

Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?

Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what?  A wrong number?

Ross: Sorry.

Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?

(Ross gestures his consent.)

Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?

Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel: Hi, sure!

Ross: Hi.

(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens.  He sits back down defeated again.  A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]

Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.

Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad?  Decide!

Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.

Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!

(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)

Phoebe:  If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.

Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.

Joey: I say push her down the stairs.

Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:  Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)

Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.

Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...

Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]

Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things...

Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string.  These are a few...

Rachel: I'm all better now.

Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!

Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.  The whole, 'hat' thing.

Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!

Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?

(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)

Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.

Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30?  Buzz him in!

Joey: Who's Paul?

Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?

Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?

Ross: He finally asked you out?

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.

Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...

Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!

Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?

Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...

Monica: (horrified) Really?

Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!

Phoebe: What does that mean?   Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)

(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)

Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.

All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!

Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...

Ross: A wandering?

Monica: Change!  Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.

Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

(Monica goes to change.)

Joey:  Hey, Paul!

Paul: Yeah?

Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.

Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!

Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?

Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!

Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.

Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.

Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.  It's been kinda a long day.

Ross: Okay, sure.

Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]

Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.  La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]

Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.

(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)

Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.

Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.

Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?

Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.

Joey: Which goes where?

Chandler: I have no idea.

(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)

Joey: Done with the bookcase!

Chandler: All finished!

Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.

Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.

Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.

Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?

Ross: You guys.

Chandler: Oh, God.

Joey: You got screwed.

Chandler: Oh my God!

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]

Monica: Oh my God!

Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?

Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?

Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-

Monica: -leg?

Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.

Monica: You actually broke her watch?  Wow!  The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.

Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.

Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]

Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me.  And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)

[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.]

Ross: I'm divorced!  I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!

Joey: Shut up!

Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)

Ross: That only took me an hour.

Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.   You, however have had the love of a woman for four years.   Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it!  I don't think that was my point!

Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...

Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!

Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]

Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...

Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?

Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.

Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?

Paul: Isn't there?

Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say?

Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.

Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...

Paul: It's okay...

Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?

Paul: Two years.

Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!

Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?

Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci.]

Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.

Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and talking.]

Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?

Joey: Great story!  But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea...  Oh man, (looks to Chandler)

Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats.

Joey: Right.  Thanks.  It's June.  I'm outta here. (Exits.)

Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)

[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.]

Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.

Chandler: That is amazing.

Joey: Congratulations.

Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.

Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.

Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...

Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here.

All: Morning. Good morning.

Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning.

Joey: Morning, Paul.

Rachel: Hello, Paul.

Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?

(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear.  The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.)

Paul: Thank you!  Thank you so much!

Monica: Stop!

Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.

Monica: We'll talk later.

Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)

Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?

Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.

All: Okayyy! (They do so.)

Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...

Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?

Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.

Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.

Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?

Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.

Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.

Joey: Look, it was a job all right?

Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'

Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)

Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."

Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man.  Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)

Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.

Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?

Rachel: Oh, yeah.

Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings.

Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.

Monica: Big time!

Rachel: Want a wedding dress?   Hardly used.

Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.

Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!

Monica: What for?

Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things.

(Monica exits.)

[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]

Frannie: Hey, Monica!

Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?

Frannie: You had sex, didn't you?

Monica: How do you do that?

Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex!  So? Who?

Monica: You know Paul?

Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.

Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?

Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]

Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line!

Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?

Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.

Monica: I hate men!  I hate men!

Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe.

Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts massaging them.)

Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know?

Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!

(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)

Rachel: Guess what?

Ross: You got a job?

Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.

Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!

Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...

Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!

Monica: How'd you pay for them?

Rachel: Uh, credit card.

Monica: And who pays for that?

Rachel: Um... my... father.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table.   Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]

Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary?  I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.

Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.

Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.

Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.

Rachel: Thank you.

Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

(Pause)

Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...

Monica: All right, you ready?

Rachel: No.  No, no, I'm not ready!  How can I be ready?  "Hey, Rach!  You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?"  Come on, I can't do this!

Monica: You can, I know you can!

Rachel: I don't think so.

Ross: Come on, you made coffee!   You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)

Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...

All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)

Rachel: Y'know what?  I think we can just leave it at that.  It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...

Monica:  Rachel!  That was a library card!

All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..

Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)

Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!

[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem.]

Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?

Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.

Monica: You be okay?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?

Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.

Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.

(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.)

Ross: Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no-

Rachel: Sorry-

Ross: No no no, go-

Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it-

Ross: Split it?

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.

Rachel: I knew.

Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.

Rachel: I did.

Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?

Rachel: Yeah, maybe...

Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...

Rachel: Goodnight.

Ross: Goodnight.

(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.)

Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you?

Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.

Phoebe: (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here...

Monica: What? I-I said you had a-

Phoebe: (sings) What I said you had...

Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop?

Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again?

All: Yes!

Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt.

Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya.

Ross: There's an image.

Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee?

Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving it?

Rachel: I'm just serving it.

All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.

Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)

Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss?   More coffee?

Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.) Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry.  Okay, Las Vegas.

Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-

End

The One With the Sonogram at the End

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]

Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah!

Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.

Monica: Absolutely.

Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.

Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.

Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.]

Ross: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry?

Marsha: Well, she has issues.

Ross: Does she.

Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!

Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See?

Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?

(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide the exhibit.)

Ross: (trying to ignore her) No. No.

Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!

Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age.

(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the exhibit.)

Ross:Hi.

Carol: So.

Ross: You look great. I, uh... I hate that.

Carol: Sorry. You look good too.

Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh...

Carol: A lesbian?

Ross: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family?

Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-

Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol?

Carol: I'm pregnant.

Ross: Pregnant?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's Company.]

Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.

Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.)

Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Are you through with that?

Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.

Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?!

Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead.

(Monica starts to fluff a pillow.)

Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- (Monica glares at her.) -but, it's fine!

Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have.

Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.

Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way.

Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come.

Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.

Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!

Monica: What?

Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!

All: Eeaagh!

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring?

Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful.

Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... (Starts to look under the couch cushions.)

Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that!

Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder...

Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we!

Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah!

Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?

Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!

Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days...

Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with...

Chandler: ...Dinah?

Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad...

Monica: You didn't.

Rachel: Oh, I am sorry...

Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the lasagne through the bottom of the glass pan.)

Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!

Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne...

Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do it.

Chandler: Boys? We're going in.

(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as there's a knock on the door which Monica answers.)

Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi.

Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi.

Ross: Carol's pregnant.

Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it!

Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...

Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. (He enters.)

Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?

Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?

Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me.

Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her.

Monica: What does she mean by 'involved'?

Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.

Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow.

Rachel: So what are you gonna do?

Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father.

(Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turns and stares at him.)

Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right?

[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are pouring wine for their parents.]

Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What's that curry taste?

Monica: Curry.

Mrs. Geller: Mmmm!

Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do.

Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?

Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him.

Ross: Aw, Mom...

Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?

Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-

Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant.

Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... (She starts to fluff the same pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.)

Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?

Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.)

Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy.

Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.

[Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.]

Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well.

Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money!

Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar...

Monica: What's that supposed to mean?

Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression.

Monica: No it's not.

Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles...

[Time Lapse.]

Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer.

[Time Lapse.]

Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem.

Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?

Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.

(Stunned silence ensues.)

Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about this?!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.]

Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh?

Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done.

Monica: Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could- (To Ross) -I'd want yours.

Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.)

Phoebe: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins.

Rachel: You're twins?

Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type.

Chandler: What does she do?

Phoebe: She's a waitress.

Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all start to leave.)

Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this.

Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred.

Rachel: The lights, please..

(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up.  Ross enters from the bathroom.)

Ross: ...How long was I in there?

Rachel: I'm just cleaning up.

Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help?

Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him the broom and sits down.)

Ross: Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow?

Rachel: Oh.. a little..

Ross: Mm-hmm..

Rachel: A lot.

Ross: Mm.

Rachel: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped?

Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...

Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?

Ross: Got me.

Rachel: Remember when we were in high school together?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it? (Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross?

Ross: Yes, yes!

Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (She leans back onto his hand.)

Ross: Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn't have to move his hand.)

[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.]

Ross: (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.

(Susan enters holding a drink.)

Susan: Hi.

Carol: Ross, you remember Susan.

Ross: How could I forget?

Susan: Ross.

Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...?

Carol: Dr. Oberman.

Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-

Susan: She.

Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?

Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive.

Ross: Okay, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to Carol.) No, I'm- Oh.

Carol: Thanks.

Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a duck with it) Quack, quack..

Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.)

[Scene Barry's office, Barry is working on patient, Robbie, as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Barry?

Barry: C'mon in.

Rachel: (hesitates) Are you sure?

Barry: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours.

Robbie: Huh?!

Barry: So, how ya doin?

Rachel: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!

Barry: Yeah, well..

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.

Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there. (To Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec.

(As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.)

Rachel: I dumped him.

Robbie: Okay.

[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're talking about how this is going to work.]

Ross: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like, important decisions have to be made?

Carol: Give me a 'for instance'.

Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name?

Carol: Marlon-

Ross: Marlon?!

Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.

Ross: ...As in Mouse?

Carol: As in my grandmother.

Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia?

Carol: Julia..

Susan: We agreed on Minnie.

Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?

[Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing her makeup in the mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry enters.]

Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to?

Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job.

Barry: Oh, that's great.

Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned?

Barry: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.

Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?

Barry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.

Robbie: Me?!

Barry: No! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy.

Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!

Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.

Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand) You've got plugs!

Barry: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.

Rachel: And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!

Barry: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you.

Rachel: Okay..

Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist.

Rachel: Wow.

Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.

Rachel: What?

Robbie: Me. (Spits.)

Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me.

Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back.

(Barry and Rachel look at each other.)

Robbie: Hello?!

[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing about what to name the baby.]

Susan: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?

Ross: Helen Geller? I don't think so.

Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.

Ross: Thank you!

Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller.

Ross: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?

Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.

Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?

Susan: It's my baby too.

Ross: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm.

Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!

Carol: All right, you two, stop it!

Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too.

Carol: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse.

Ross: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.

Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way!

Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do-

Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea?

All: Yeah. Yeah. A little.

Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back..

Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now.

(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram catches hes ear.  He returns and stares at it.)

Ross: Oh my God.

Susan: Look at that.

Carol: I know.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram.   Rachel is on the phone.]

Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing?

Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here?

Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.

Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.

Ross: Then don't do that, alright?

Phoebe: Okay!

Ross: (walks over to where Monica is standing)Monica. Whaddya think?

Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm.

Ross: Wh- are you welling up?

Monica: No.

Ross: You are, you're welling up.

Monica: Am not!

Ross: You're gonna be an aunt.

Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up!

Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.

End

The One With the Thumb

Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz.

Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys!

All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!

Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?

Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'

All: Ohh. Ouch.

Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?

Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'.

Rachel: Since when?

Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.

Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.

Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.

Rachel: And everybody knows this?

Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.

Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.

Monica: Uh, Ross.

Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]

Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"

Joey: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."

Chandler: Hey, that was really good!

Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going.

Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"

Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke."

Chandler: "Smoke away."

(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  He fumbles and drops the lighter.  Then he lights a cigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.)

Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Relax your hand!

(Joey lets his wrist go limp.)

Chandler: Not so much!

Joey: Whoah!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.

(Joey tries and visibly winces.)

Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.

Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.

Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.

(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)

Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.

Joey: Y'miss it?

Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.)

[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.]

Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.

(The guys stretch out their fingers.)

Joey: That's ridiculous!

Ross: Can I use.. either thumb?

Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!

All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.

Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me!

(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters.  She sits down without saying hi.)

Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.

Monica: What did they do to you?

Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-

Ross: Easy.

Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...

Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.

Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!

Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.

Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...

Monica: We're with you. We got it.

(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)

Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.

Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?

(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)

All: Oh! Oh, God!

Ross: What is this?!

Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.

Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!

Chandler: And this- is my reward!

Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.

Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!

All: Ohhh! Put it out!

Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)

Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!

Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.

Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'?

Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.

Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?

Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.

All: Oh, come on! Come on!

Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve.

Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.

Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.

Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?

Monica: Nope. Schhorry.

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]

Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.

Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.

Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.

Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]

Joey: Let it go, Ross.

Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.

Monica: Do you all promise?

All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!

Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?

(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign.  It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)

Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!

(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)

(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)

Ross: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!

Rachel: What bank is this?

(The intercom buzzes.)

Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?

Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan.

Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!

(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)

Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.

(She opens the door and Alan enters.)

Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.

Alan: Hi.

All: Hi, Alan.

Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!

(Everyone laughs.)

[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]

Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?

(Silence.)

Monica: C'mon!

Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.

All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!

Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?

All: Yeah!

Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.)

The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah.

Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.

Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!

Ross: ...What shoe?

Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'

(Dubious pause.)

Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.

Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.

Monica: Really!

Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)

Ross: You know what I like most about him, though?

All: What?

Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.

All: Yeah...

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.]

Monica: Hi.. how was the game?

Ross: Well..

All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!

Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?

Joey: Alan.

Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...

Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.

Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..

Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..

Ross: What?

Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?

Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.

Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.

Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.

[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless person (Lizzie) she knows.]

Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie.

Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl.

Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup.

Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels?

Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.)

Lizzie: Saltines?

Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?

Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, there's really money in here.

Phoebe: I know.

Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing?

Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.

Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.

Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no.

Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat?

Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.

Lizzie: Please, let me do something.

Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?

Lizzie: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray.  He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette.   While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.]

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor.]

Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?

Phoebe: No, I'm fine.

Lizzie: (leaves) See ya.

(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.)

Phoebe: Huh!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery.]

Ross: A thumb?!

(Phoebe nods.)

All: Eww!

Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!

Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?

Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see?

All: Nooo!

(Chandler lights a cigarette.)

All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!

Rachel: It's worse than the thumb!

Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair!

Monica: Oh, why is it unfair?

Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?

(An awkward silence ensues.)

Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?

Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it.

Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?

(Phoebe spits out her hair.)

Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.

Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"?

(Monica laughs and snorts.)

Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.

Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.

Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.

Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.

(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.]

Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?

Paula: No.

Monica: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.

Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!

Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.

Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!

Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard.

Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.

Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.

[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]

Joey: Do you have any respect for your body?

Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?

Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.

Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.

Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)

Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good.

Ross: If only he were a woman.

Rachel: Yeah.

(They give each other a dubious look.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyond except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.]

Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.

Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.)

Monica: (entering) Hey. Where's Joey?

Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

Rachel: I think he's across the hall.

Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.)

Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There y'go.

Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?

Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?

Ross: Hey, I might!

Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.

All: You're kidding. Oh my God.

Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!

Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) What's going on?

Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.

Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..

Rachel: Uh, Joey..

Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)

Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay..

All: Oh! That was Lambchop!

Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk.

Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.

Monica: Alright, we have to talk.

Phoebe: There it is!

Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.

(They all gasp and clutch each other.)

Ross: Is there somebody else?

Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.

Rachel: We didn't change..

Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?

Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair)

Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending-

Joey: Okay!

Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!

Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were.

Monica: I'm sorry..

Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!

Rachel: (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-

Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.

All: Oh, yeah! Right!

Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay?

Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.

Monica: (dubious) I understand.

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news to Alan.]

Alan: Wow.

Monica: I'm, I'm really sorry.

Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.

Monica: Relieved?

Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is mopping around and eating ice cream.]

Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.

Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking.

Monica: (entering) Hi.

All: Mmm.

Ross: So how'd it go?

Monica: Oh, y'know..

Phoebe: Did he mention us?

Monica: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubious look)

Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (She sits down and Ross strokes her forehead.)

Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.

All: No no no!

Chandler: (leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!

Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!

Chandler: (returns) Yeah, alright.

End

The One With George Stephanopoulos

Written by: Alexa Junge

Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey.]

Monica: Alright. Phoebe?

Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!

Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you?

Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.

Rachel: See, there's always one guy. (Mocking) "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes." (Joey enters.)

All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.

Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Joey: Probably kill myself!

Monica: ..Excuse me?

Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live!

Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.

Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry..

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are watching Phoebe sleep.]

Monica: How does she do that?

Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place.

Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.

Phoebe: (waking and startling them) Oh! What what what! ...Hi.

Ross: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again.

Monica: What's going on with you?

Phoebe: I got no sleep last night!

Ross: Why?

Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!

Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel and me tonight.

Phoebe: Thanks.

(Chandler and Joey enter.  Joey is counting his steps.)

Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.

Chandler: You got waaaay too much free time.

Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.

Chandler: Happy birthday, pal!

Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses Ross)

Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.

Joey: So?

Ross: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date?

Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty."

Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth?

Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember.

Ross: Ohhh.

Joey: What's wrong with the twentieth?

Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?

Ross: Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.

Joey: The hell with hockey, let's all do that!

Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ross: What are you doing?

Chandler: (stops) I have no idea.

Joey: C'mon, Ross!

Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?

Chandler: You got it.

(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.)

Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me!

Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.

Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine?

Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?

Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally—(opens envelope)—not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look at that.

Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad.

Joey: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job.

Ross: You can totally, totally live on this.

Monica: Yeah, yeah.

Ross: Oh, by the way, great service tonight.

All: Oh! Yeah!

(They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)

Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne.  The guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)

Leslie: (looking around) Rachel?

Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other.

Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom.

Rachel: What are you guys doing here?

Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!

Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.

Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it!

Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex.

Rachel: (to Joanne) So what's going on with you?

Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.)

Kiki: And while we're on the subject of news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream again.)

Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! (They scream.)

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to each other.]

Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.)

Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.)

Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.

Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Chandler's look) Sorry. Sorry.

(They walk on.  Chandler and Joey start to talk but Ross stops and whines.)

Joey: What?

Ross: Peach pit.

Chandler: Yes, Bunny?

Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-

Joey: -Peaches?

Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically...

Chandler: (to Joey) Could've been a peach.

Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop... I'm fine.

Joey: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are talking.]

Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!

Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar!

Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.

Rachel: Okay.

Joanne: When are you coming home?

Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not.

Joanne: C'mon, this is us.

Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job-

Kiki: Waitressing?

Rachel: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.

Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]

Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.)

Rachel: What's that?

Monica: Weeeell, it's rum, and-

Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.)

Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!

Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people.

Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.

Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.

Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks!

Monica: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.

Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?

Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back?

Rachel: Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play Twister!

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying to find their seats.]

Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.

Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?

Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost...

Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the living room.]

Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!

Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?

Phoebe: You are just like Jack.

Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs?

Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.

Monica: Ah, the other Jack.

Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..

Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-

Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.

Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like...

Phoebe: Floopy?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy.

Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word.

Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together?

Monica: ...Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this question.

Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are watching the game.]

Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!

Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.

Ross: Pass it! Pass it!

Chandler: He's open!

All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits Ross in the face.  Chandler looks concered until he notices...)

Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!

(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are leading Ross in.]

Chandler: (to the receptionist)'Scuse me.

Receptionist: (holds up her hand—she is on the phone) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied.

Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)

Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)

Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented.

Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn.

Joey: Well, how long do you think it'll be?

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.

Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys back off) Heyy...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the slumber party continues.]

Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down.

Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan. (There's a knock on the door.)

Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza guy!

Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the door.)

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Do you have a plan?

Phoebe: I don't even have a 'pl'.

Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion?

Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.

Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me!

Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'

Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!

Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?

Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?

Phoebe: And-and a power tie?

Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.

Monica: (staggered) Oh God.

Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take this back?

Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)

Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?

Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.

Monica: I see pizza!

Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)

Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?

Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?

Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!

Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.

Monica: Please tell me it's his mother.

Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.

Monica: Oh, no...

Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey pucks kitting foreheads.  Chandler realises it's getting tense and goes to the receptionist again.]

Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all out on the balcony.]

Monica: Light still out?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh. Maybe they're- napping.

Rachel: Oh please, they're having sex.

Monica and Phoebe: Shut up!

Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like?

Monica: I think he's shy.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about his first night with Carol.]

Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow.

Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?

Joey: He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that.

Ross: Look, it's just a little more complicated...

Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?

Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you...

Chandler: Then what?

Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He mumbles the last part)

Joey: What?

Ross: It was my first time.

Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.

Chandler: So in your whole life, you've only been with one—(He gets a look too)—oh.

Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are still out on the balcony.]

Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah!

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.

Monica: What?! You slept with Jason?

Phoebe: You'd already broken up.

Rachel: How long?

Phoebe: A couple hours.

Monica: Oh, that's nice!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.

Monica: Excuse me?!

Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? (To Phoebe) She was a big girl.

Monica: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade!

Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh! (Monica and Rachel start to squabble)

Phoebe: There he is! There he is!

Monica: Where?

Phoebe: Right- where we've been looking all night!

Rachel: He is so cute!

Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!

All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the—(pause)—wowww.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]

Joey: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?

Chandler: I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic...

Joey: Really?

Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. (Ross enters off camera)

Both: Hey, buddy.

Ross: Hi. (He is wearing a piece of steel bandaged to his nose.  He tosses some forms onto reception desk.)

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that's attractive.

Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.

Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck?

Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it.

Ross: The kid...? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck.

Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Ross looks at Chandler for help.)

Chandler: You gotta do it, man.

Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever—(to Chandler)—can't do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.

Kid: No.

Ross: 'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme!

Kid: No! No! (They start to fight over it.)

Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER!

Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the receptionist)

Ross: ...Now that was fun.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and the girls are playing twister.]

Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red.

Monica: Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo.

(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.)

Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)

Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (Phoebe has to bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt appreciatively)

(The phone rings and Chandler answers it.)

Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?

Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel.

Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and Chandler takes her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really.

Ross: Green. To the green.

Rachel: (on phone) I've got magic beans. (Listens) Never-never mind.

Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse)

Rachel: (on phone) Ohhh... I'm fine.

End

The One With the East German Laundry Detergent

Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss

Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips

With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein

[Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.]

Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal.

Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.

Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.

(Long pause.)

Ross: Multiple orgasms!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, all are there.]

Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!

Joey: No plans, huh?

Chandler: Not a one.

Ross: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?

Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut up.

Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it.

Chandler: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.

Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.

Phoebe: You know, if you want, I'll do it with you.

Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her.

Phoebe: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony.

Ross: Tony?

Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.

Rachel: (waitressing) Does anybody want anything else?

Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm fine.

Phoebe: (to Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?

Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.

Ross: That guy, he burns me up.

Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady.

Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.

Monica: Did he give you that whole "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own".

Phoebe: (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

(Angela, a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.)

Angela: Hi, Joey.

Joey: My god, Angela.

(Angela takes a seat at the counter.)

Monica: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.

Phoebe: Are you gonna go over there?

Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to her) Hey, Angela.

Angela: (casually) Joey.

Joey: You look good.

Angela: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs.

Joey: You don't say.

(Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.)

Ross: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight?

Rachel: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.

Ross: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too?

Rachel: Who?

Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you both, here?

Rachel: Don't you have a laundry room in your building?

Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?

Rachel: Sure.

(Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)

Angela: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now.

Joey: Bob? Who the hell's Bob?

Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...

Joey: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.

Angela: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be friends, so guess what?

Joey: What?

Angela: We're just friends.

Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends?

Angela: What four of us?

Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela's boyfriend Bob and then take Angela back for himself.]

Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you.

Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.

Joey: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is...

Monica: (looking out window) Oh, god help us.

Joey: What?

Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww!

Joey: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.

Monica: What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls.

Joey: (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please?

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Chandler is over.]

Ross: (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel.

Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through?

Ross: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.

Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.

Ross: Nuh-uh.

Chandler: Yuh-huh.

Ross: So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?

Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear—you want it to be dirty?

Ross: (sheepish) No.

Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?

Ross: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.

Chandler: There you go.

[Scene: A fancy restaurant, Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is Angela's brother.]

Monica: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?

Joey: Yep.

Monica: Which?

Joey: Which what?

Monica: You've never met Bob, have you?

Joey: No, but he's...

Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly...

(Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)

Angela: Hey, Joey.

Monica: ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.]

Chandler: Where are they? Where are they?

Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.

Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

Phoebe: Eww, I don't wanna do that.

(Janice and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)

Chandler: Here we go.

Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up.

Chandler: Hey, Janice.

Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.

Chandler: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?

Janice: We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping...(looks through her bags)... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you...

(Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.)

Chandler: What?

Janice: What?

Chandler: (covering) What... did you get me there?

Janice: I got you...these. (pulls out a pair of socks)

Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.

Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.

Chandler: That's great.

(The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.)

Chandler: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?

Janice: (holding the full cup) No, no, I'm still working on mine.

(Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the break-up.)

Chandler: That's it?

Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.

Phoebe: Ok, you weren't there.

[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.]

Woman: Comin' through. Move, move.

Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.

Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.

Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.

Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds.

Rachel: What?

Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?

(Ross arrives.)

Ross: What's goin' on?

Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.

Ross: Was your basket on top?

Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds.

Ross: So?

Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save.

Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman) That's my friend's machine.

Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.

Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it.

(The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.)

Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, let's do laundry.

Rachel: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.

Ross: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.

(Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)

Rachel: What's that?

Ross: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.

(Rachel starts to load her clothes.)

Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?

Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?

Ross: Rach, have you never done this before?

Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.

Ross: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.

Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross) Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?

Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.

[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.]

Monica: (to Joey) He is so cute. (to Angela and Bob) So, where did you guys grow up?

Angela: Brooklyn Heights.

Bob: Cleveland.

Monica: How, how did that happen?

Joey: Oh my god.

Monica: What?

Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.]

Joey: So, you and Angela, huh?

Bob: Yep. Pretty much.

Joey: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.

Bob: Huh, I never really noticed.

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.

Bob: Monica, Monica is great.

Joey: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.

[Scene: The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant, Monica and Angela are talking.]

Monica: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.

Angela: Yeah, isn't he?

Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight.

Angela: You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed.

Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.

Angela: Huh. That's nice.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]

Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.

(Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.)

Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice.

Janice: All right. Well, there you go. (she gets extremely wound up, and begins to try and calm herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.

[Scene: The laundromat.]

Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.

Ross: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? (the buzzer on the washer goes off) I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.

Rachel: What uh-oh?

Ross: (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. (singing) Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Rachel: Ross, what's the matter?

Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.

Rachel: Come on, show me.

Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.

Rachel: Oh, everything's pink.

Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.

Rachel: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry!

(The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.)

[Scene: The fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.]

Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?

(Her and Joey walk away from the table.)

Monica: Oh my god.

Joey: What?

Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia.

Joey: Come on, they're close.

Monica: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.

Joey: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.

Monica: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's—not really true, is it?

Joey: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...

Monica: Oh my god, what were you thinking?

Joey: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.

Monica: (hits him lightly) Oh!

Joey: Ow!

Monica: (leaving) I'm outta here.

Joey: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.

Monica: Really?

Joey: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.

[Time lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's shirt and is wiping it off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.]

Monica: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.

(Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob about.)

Joey: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.]

Chandler: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye)... boom.

Janice: Ow!

Chandler: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?

Janice: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back.

(She leaves.)

Chandler: (to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world.

Phoebe: Oh my god. (Chandler downs another espresso.) How many of those have you had?

Chandler: Oh, I don't know, a million?

Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.

Chandler: I'm fine.

Phoebe: All right.

(Janice returns from the bathroom.)

Chandler: I'm not fine. Here she comes.

Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe.

(Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then Janice immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.)

Chandler: How do you do that?

Phoebe: It's like a gift.

Chandler: We should always always break up together.

Phoebe: Oh, I'd like that.

[Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.]

Ross: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.

Rachel: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.

(The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry cart.)

Rachel: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.

Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.

(Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.)

Rachel: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart.

Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.

Rachel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!

Woman: Let go!

(They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.)

Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!

(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)

Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?

Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel: I could not have done this without you.

(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)

Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? (Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I'm fine, I'm fine.

Rachel: Are you sure?

Ross: No.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Ross has an icepack to his head.]

Rachel: Oh, are you sure you're ok?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Does it still hurt?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: (seeing Rachel's clothes) What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.

(Monica and Joey enter.)

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Hey, how'd it go?

Joey: Excellent.

Monica: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves.

Ross: What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way.

Monica: (notices his head) Oh, I'm sorry.

Rachel: Where's Chandler?

Phoebe: Oh, he needed some time to grieve.

(Chandler runs by the window outside, joyous.)

Chandler: I'm free! I'm free!

Phoebe: That oughta do it.

End

The One With the Butt

Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider

Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to start.]

Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!

Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...

Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!

(The lights dim.)

Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.

(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)

Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)

All you want is a dingle,

What you envy's a schwang,

A thing through which you can tinkle,

Or play with, or simply let hang...

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding.  As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]

Rachel: God. I feel violated.

Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?

Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.

Ross: Is it? Feels like two.

Chandler: No, ten o'clock.

Ross: What?

Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!

Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!

Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!

Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.

Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'

Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!

Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.

Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

Chandler: Thank you, buddy.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.

Monica: You could do that!

Chandler: Y'think?

All: Yeah!

Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue...

Ross: C'mon! C'mon!

Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)

Aurora: ...Yes?

Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.

Aurora: Yes, you said that.

Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)

Aurora: Chandler?

(Joey enters from behind a curtain.  The others all talk at once.)

All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

Joey: Whadja think?

(Pause)

All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head.

All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.

Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)

Rachel: What is it?

Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!

Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play!

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey, kids.

All: Hey.

Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line.

Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went.

Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?

Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...

(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.)

Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories.

Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.

Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less.

Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon.

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?

Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick.

Joey: Who's Rick?

Chandler: Who's Rick?

Aurora: My husband.

All: Ooooohhh.

Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced?

Aurora: No.

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?

Aurora: No, I'm still married.

Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?

Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan.

Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?

Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.

All: What?!

Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?

Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.

Chandler: ...Hm.

Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?

Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this?

Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?

Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?

Joey: I couldn't do it.

Monica: Good for you, Joey.

Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking-

(They all pretend to fall asleep.)

Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.

Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!

All: Yeah! C'mon!

Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-

(They all fall asleep again.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.]

Rachel: Tah-daaah!

Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.

Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for.

Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.

Rachel: Well, whaddya think?

All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!

Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.

All: Uh-oh...

Monica: How-how did that happen?

Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.

Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.

Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.

Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.

Monica: You guys, I am not that bad!

Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!

Monica: That is so unfair!

Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy!

Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.

Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.

Monica: Why not?

Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.

Monica: I could do that.

Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.

Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder.

Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...

Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?

Ross: Monica? You're Mom.

(Monica gasps.)

Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!

(Joey enters and he's on the phone.)

Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!

All: Oh my God! Whoah!

Monica: Well, what's the part?

Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!"

Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part?

Joey: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"

Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?

Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles)

Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?

Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.

Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.

Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!

Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness.

Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!

Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the door.]

Monica: Alright, alright, alright...

(Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)

Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.

Monica: For what?

Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the big day!

Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there.

Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)

(Chandler enters with the phone.)

Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.

Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!

Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!

Monica: I warned you...

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Who is being loud?

Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.

Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?

Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)

Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?

Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)

Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that.

(She opens the door and he leaves.)

[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]

Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?

Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.

Director: Lose the robe.

Joey: Me?

Director: That would work.

Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And the robe is lost.

Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.

(Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)

Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?

Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering.

Director: No, that was clenching.

Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.

Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?

Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler are in bed in Chandler's room.]

Chandler: God, I love these fingers...

Aurora: Thank you.

Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are.

Aurora: (moves Chandler's arm and look at his watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.)

Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)

Aurora: Okay.

Chandler: Don't go.

Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to.

Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.

Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me.

Chandler: Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.

Aurora: It's not Rick.

Chandler: What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you!

Aurora: No, it's-it's Andrew.

Chandler: I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is?

Aurora: He's... new.

Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?

Aurora: No, that's not exactly what I was..

Chandler: Well, y'know, most women would kill for three guys like us.

Aurora: So what do you want?

Chandler: You.

Aurora: You have me!

Chandler: Nono, just you.

Aurora: Whaddyou mean?

Chandler: Lose the other guys.

Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them?

Chandler: C'mon, we're great together, why not?

Aurora: Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what you wanted too.

Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'

Aurora: So... which one of the two guys will you listen to?

Chandler: I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish...

Aurora: Which one?

Chandler: ...The second guy.

Aurora: (gets up to leave) Well, call me if you change your mind.

(She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her passionately.)

Chandler: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.

(She leaves, Chandler sighs, and falls back on his bed.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to comfort Chandler.  Joey is absent.]

Ross: Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again?

(Joey enters.)

All: Hey!

Monica: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?

Joey: Nope.

Ross: No? What happened, big guy?

Chandler: (to Ross) "Big guy?"

Ross: It felt like a 'big guy' moment.

Joey: I got fired.

All: Oh!

Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and...

Rachel: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell.

Joey: My mom will.

Chandler: Something so sweet and...disturbing about that.

Joey: Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it!

Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot.

Ross: Yeah, I mean... I think when it's your shot, y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it... feel like your shot..?

Joey: Hard to tell, I was naked.

Phoebe: No, I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'.

Joey: Yeah? That's so nice! (They hug.)

(Ross and Chandler look at each other and hug as well.)

Monica: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, guys.

All: Night.

Rachel: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here?

Monica: (determined) Uh-huh!

Rachel: Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless haphazard manner?

Monica: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. (He goes to her room.)

Ross: She is a kook.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.]

Monica: (hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (She buries her head in her pillow.)

End

The One With the Blackout

Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz.

Transcribed by: Ruth Curran

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the crowd.]

Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay.

(applause)

Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. (plays a chord, then the lights go out) OK, thank you very much.

[Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler is inside. The lights go out, and he realizes he is trapped inside.]

Chandler: Oh, great. This is just...

(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a gesture of quiet exuberance.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are there.]

Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!

Monica: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they have no idea when it's coming back on.

Rachel: Wow, you guys, this is big.

Monica: (into phone) Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? OK. (hangs up)

Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. (to Monica) What's my number?

(Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.)

Phoebe: Well, I never call me.

[Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are in italics.]

Chandler: Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre.

Jill: (on phone) Hi Mom, it's Jill.

Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!

Jill: (on phone) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule.

Chandler: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule.

Jill: (on phone) I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy.

Chandler: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy.

(Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.)

[Scene: Monica's apartment, Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.]

Joey: Hi everyone.

Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani.

Joey: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone.

Phoebe: (at window) Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.

(They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)

Rachel: That had to hurt!

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Chandler: Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile!

(Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.)

Chandler: There you go!

(He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks frightened.)

Chandler: You're definitely scaring here.

Jill: (awkwardly) Would you like to call somebody? (offering phone)

Chandler: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks. (takes phone)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone rings; it's Chandler.]

Monica: Hello?

Chandler: Hey, it's me.

Monica: (to everyone) It's Chandler! (on phone) Are you OK?

Chandler: Yeah, I'm fine. (trying to cover up what he is saying) I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr.

Monica: What?

Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr!

Monica: I have no idea what you just said.

Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.

Joey: What's up man?

Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR.

Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler, listen. (says something intentionally garbled)

Chandler: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time has passed. The five are sitting around the coffee table talking.]

Rachel: Alright, somebody.

Monica: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table.

All: Whoooaa!

Ross: That's my sister.

Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York CIty public library.

Monica: Oh my God! What were you doing in a library?

Ross: Pheebs, what about you?

Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee.

Rachel: Um... Ross?

Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.'

All: No way!

Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.

Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.

Monica: You did not go!

All: Come on.

Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed.

Ross: Step back.

Joey: We have a winner!

[Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of the room.]

Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park.

Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line.

Rachel: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf course.

Ross: Come on.

Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us.

Ross: (sarcastically) And you didn't marry him because...?

Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people who go through life never having that kind of...

Ross: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated.

Rachel: Yeah right.

Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff.

Rachel: (sigh) OK.

Ross: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you.

Rachel: You don't.

Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Mmmm.

Rachel: You do?

Ross: I do.

Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. (she playfully rubs his head and gets up)

(Ross gets up, pleased with himself.)

Joey: It's never gonna happen.

Ross: (innocently) What?

Joey: You and Rachel.

Ross: (acts surprised) What? (pause) Why not?

Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.

Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.

Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.

Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to...

Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.

Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. (Joey looks at him) What? What, now?

Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' (Rachel comes into the room behind them)

Ross: Shhhh!

Rachel: What are you shushing?

Ross: We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. Listen. (everyone is silent) Don't you hear that?

Rachel: Ahhhh!

Ross: See?

Rachel: Huh. (she agrees, but looks very confused)

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Jill: Would you like some gum?

Chandler: Um, is it sugarless?

Jill: (checks) Sorry, it's not.

Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.

[Scene: Monica's apartment, Phoebe is singing.]

Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... (she writes the lyrics down)

Ross: (to Joey) OK, here goes.

Joey: Are you going to do it?

Ross: I'm going to do it.

Joey: Do you want any help?

Ross: You come out there, you're a dead man.

Joey: Good luck, man.

Ross: Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.

Joey: OK. (Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel)

(Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)

Joey: Hey, where are you going?

Monica: Outside.

Joey: You can't go out there.

Monica: Why not?

Joey: Because of... the reason.

Monica: And that would be?

Joey: I, um, can't tell you.

Monica: Joey, what's going on?

Joey: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told you.

Monica: About what?

Joey: He's planning your birthday party.

Monica: Oh my God! I love him!

Joey: (as Phoebe enters) You'd better act surprised.

Phoebe: About what?

Monica: My surprise party!

Phoebe: What surprise party?

Monica: Oh stop it. Joey already told me.

Phoebe: Well, he didn't tell me.

Joey: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing.

Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything.

Monica: No, you are not. We tell you stuff.

Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in. (Monica gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased) Looks like I was second to last.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Ross and Rachel are talking.]

Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice.

Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment.

Rachel: OK.

Ross: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um....

Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (looking at something behind Ross)

Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...

Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross)

Ross: What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders) Ow!

[Cut to inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]

Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found ever since...

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the scratches on Ross' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.]

Monica: (to Ross) This is just Bactine. It won't hurt.

(Ross flinches in pain.)

Joey: Sorry, that was wax.

Phoebe: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner.

Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall?

Rachel: During a blackout? He'd get trampled!

Ross: (nonchalantly) Yeah?

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. (Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look) 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

[Scene: The hallway of Monica's building. Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the cat's owner.]

Phoebe: (stops at a door) Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things, right?

Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers) Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner.

Mr. Heckles: Er, yeah, it's mine.

Phoebe: (trying to hold back the struggling cat) He seems to hate you. Are you sure?

Mr. Heckles: Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat.

Phoebe: Wait a minute. What's his name?

Mr. Heckles: Ehhhh... B-Buttons.

Rachel: Bob Buttons?

Mr. Heckles: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.

Phoebe: (the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You are a very bad man!

Mr. Heckles: (as Phoebe and Rachel leave) You owe me a cat.

[Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look for the cat's owner.]

Rachel: Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where did you go, little kitty-kitty-kitty? Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty...

(While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel runs into a pair of legs. She slowly gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by the way, you'll hate very, very soon. The man. Not the cat.)

Paolo: (something Italian)

Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement, blowing the candle out)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Monica, and Joey are playing Monopoly.]

Ross: (rolling) Lucky sixes....

Rachel: (entering with Paolo, arm in arm) Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is Monica.

Monica: (smitten) Hi!

Rachel: And Joey....

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: And Ross.

Monica: Hi!

Paolo: (something in Italian)

Rachel: (proudly) He doesn't speak much English.

Paolo: (pointing at game) Monopoly!

Rachel: Look at that!

Ross: (jealous) So, um... where did Paolo come from?

Rachel: Oh... Italy, I think.

Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.

Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat!

Ross: That, that is funny... (to Joey).... and Rachel keeps touching him.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere.

Rachel: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat.

Phoebe: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... since nobody told me... this is Paolo.

Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.

Paolo: (something in Italian, he is apparently attracted to Phoebe)

Phoebe: (smiling) You betcha!

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Chandler: (chewing gum) Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go.

(Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a bubble. But instead of blow one, he accidentally spits the gum out of his mouth and hits the wall.)

Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.)

Chandler: Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... (grimacing) ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking.

(Chandler starts to choke.)

Jill: Are you alright?

(Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK' sign with his hands, while obviously unable to breathe.)

Jill: My God, you're choking! (she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the gum flies from his mouth) That better?

Chandler: (gasping) Yes... thank you. That was... that was....

Jill: Perfection?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross and Joey are watching disgustedly.]

Paolo: (something romantic in Italian about Rachel and the stars)

Ross: (mocking Paolo) Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... blah blaaaaaah....

(Rachel walks away from Paolo, laughing.)

Ross: Wha-What did he say that was so funny?

Rachel: I have absolutely no idea.

Ross: That's... that's classic.

Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Oh my God, you guys, what am I doing? What am I doing? This is so un-me!

Monica: If you want, I'll do it.

(Ross looks at Joey.)

Phoebe: I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip. (Rachel looks at her) But I won't.

Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.

Phoebe: You know, did you ride mopeds? 'Cause I've heard... (they stare at her)... oh, I see... it's not about that right now. OK.

Rachel: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial and we have absolutely nothing in common, and we don't even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd....

[Cut to the other side of the apartment, Ross has gone over to straighten things out with Paolo.]

Ross: Paolo. Hi.

Paolo: Ross!

(Ross notices that Paolo is standing on a step, which makes him taller. Ross gets up on the same step so he can look down at Paolo.)

Ross: Listen. Um, listen. Something you should... know... um, Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing.

Paolo: Thing?

Ross: Thing, yes. Thing.

Paolo: Ah, you... have the sex?

Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and if you get in the.... um...

Paolo: Bed?

Ross: No, no, that's not where I was going. Er, if you get in the... way, of us becoming a thing, then I would be, well, very sad.

Paolo: Oh!

Ross: Yeah! Se vice?

Paolo: Si.

Ross: So you do know a little English.

Paolo: Poco... a leetle.

Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?

Paolo: No.

Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel!

(They hug.)

[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.]

Jill: Chandler, we've been here for an hour doing this! Now watch, it's easy.

Chandler: OK.

Jill: Ready? (she swings the pen around her head in a circle)

(Chandler tries to do the same thing but the pen hits him in the head.)

Jill: No, you've got to whip it.

(He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost hits him again.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all sitting around the table.]

Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (time lapse)... negative 46, negative 47, negative 48.... (someone blows it out, the room gets completely dark)

Ross: Thank you.

Phoebe: Thanks.

Ross: Kinda... spooky without any lights.

Joey: (does a maniacal laugh) Bwah-hah-hah!

(Everyone starts to imitate him.)

Ross: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...

(The lights come back on, and Rachel and Paolo are making out. Ross clutches his chest.)

Ross: Oh.. oh... oh.

Joey: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica.

Closing Credits

[Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has come back on.]

Jill: Well, this has been fun.

Chandler: Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life.

Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. (she kisses him on the cheek) See ya.

(She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.)

Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.

End

The One Where Nana Dies Twice

Written by: Marta Kaufmann & David Crane

Transcribed by: guineapig

With Help From: Rachel Stigge

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break.   Shelley enters.)

Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?

Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?

Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.

Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...

Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday?

Chandler: Yes please.

Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-

Chandler: He's a he?

Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now...(backs out of the room) Okay, goodbye...

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.)

Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?

Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be...

Chandler: You did?

Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.

Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?

Monica: I did.

Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Joey: Not me.

Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did.

Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?

Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so...

(Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look and abruptly stops.)

Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?

Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...

Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?

All: Yeah! Right!

Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!

Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality.

All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality.

Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

(Phone rings; Monica gets it)

Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome.

Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes phone) Bon giorno, caro mio.

Ross: (to Joey) So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.

Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. (Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking to Rome.

Monica: Hey dad, what's up? (Listens) Oh God. Ross, it's Nana.

[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter and everyone says hi and kisses.)

Ross: So, uh, how's she doing?

Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours.

Monica: How-how are you, Mom?

Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What's with your hair?

Monica: What?

Mrs. Geller: What's different?

Monica: Nothing.

Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it.

(Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to him aside.)

Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is...

Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover.

Monica: Oh God!

(They hug.)

[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana.]

Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.

Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants.

Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house.

(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)

Nurse: Mrs. Geller?

(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana's room.)

Ross: She looks so small.

Monica: I know.

Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now.

Monica: G'bye, Nana. (She kisses her on the forehead.)

Ross: Bye, Nana.

(He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room.)

Monica: Ross!

(Ross runs out too.)

Mrs. Geller: What is going on?!

Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she's not, quite..

Mrs. Geller: What?

Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back.

Aunt Lillian: (reentering) What's going on?

Mr. Geller: She may have died.

Aunt Lillian: She may have died?

Mr. Geller: We're looking into it.

(Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana's room.)

Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. (He goes in)

Nurse: This almost never happens!

(Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to tell the family)

Ross: Now she's passed.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are there.]

Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?

Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.

Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.

(Monica and Ross enter.)

Rachel: So, um, did she...

Ross: Twice.

Joey: Twice?

Phoebe: Oh, that sucks!

Joey: You guys okay?

Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh...

Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.

Ross: Nono, she's gone.

Monica: We checked. A lot.

Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? (She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.

Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? (Gives her a pencil)

Phoebe: Thanks!

Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.

Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay, huh?

Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. (Hands back the pencil)

[Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes.]

Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.

Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice!

(They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers)

Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there?

Ross: (sarcastic) I don't see why not.

(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)

Ross: Here's my retainer!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to her father.]

Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes-

Monica: Dad!

Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.

Monica: You what?

Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun.

Monica: Define fun.

Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch...

Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun.

Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'.

Monica: That's probably what they'll say.

Mr. Geller: I'd like that.

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.

Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um-

Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.

Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew!

Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me?

Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...

Chandler: ...Quality, right, great.

Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great couple.

Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?

Shelley: What? He's cute!

Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.

Shelley: Is Brian...?

Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.

Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.

Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.

[Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress out from inside the closet.]

Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) This one?

Aunt Lillian: No.

Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.

Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one.

Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.

Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb over the furniture)

Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!

(Ross falls back inside)

Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair)

Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe.

Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier?

Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel?

Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work.

Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.

Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?

Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.

(He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Lo's.)

Ross: Oh my God..

Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?

Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.

(He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox lid. Sweet 'n' Lo's rain down on him)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are preparing to leave for the funeral.]

Ross: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready?

Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?

Ross: Some days it's all I can think about.

Phoebe: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.

Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings?

Phoebe: What'd I say?

Rachel: (sticking her foot out) Hm-m.

Monica: Are these the shoes?

Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.

Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...?

Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?

Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?

(They all leave.)

[Scene: The cemetary, after the funeral.]

Monica: It was a really beautiful service.

Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. (Hugs her) Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream.

(Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching)

Joey: What?

Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.

Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket TV)

Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?

Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception.

Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.

(Rachel steps in a patch of mud)

Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!

Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.

Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!

Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone there's, there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- (Not looking where he is going he falls into an open grave)

All: God! Ross!

Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear realised...

[Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, checking to see if he's injured.]

Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh.

Ross: What, what is it?

Phoebe: You missed a belt loop.

Ross: Oh! No-n-

Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm.

Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident. (Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears)

(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)

Chandler: Oh, no-

Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.

Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.

(They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very stoned)

Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?

Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.

Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?

Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica), I love Pheebs... (Hugs her)

Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice...

Ross: ...Chandler!

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: (hugs him) And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me.

Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk off and leave Chandler.)

Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down beside her) I love you the most.

Rachel: (humouring him) Oh, well you know who I love the most?

Ross: No.

Rachel: You!

Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! (Passes out and slumps across her)

(Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment.)

Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there?

Joey: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone) Just a, uh... hearing disability.

Mr. Geller: What's the score?

Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go in the third.

Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)

(Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game)

Rachel: (still trapped under Ross) Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker?

Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmother would have hated this.

Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.

Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.

Monica: That sounds like Nana.

Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say?

Monica: ...I can imagine.

Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive, life-affirming person that she is.

Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her?

Mrs. Geller: Tell her what?

Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, like your hair... for example.

Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.

Monica: Do you think things would have been better if you'd just told her the truth?

Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get along.

Monica: Huh.

Mrs. Geller: More wine, dear?

Monica: Oh, I think so.

Mrs. Geller: (reaches out to fiddle with Monica's hair again, and realises) Those earrings look really lovely on you.

Monica: Thank you. They're yours.

Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's.

(There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of men.)

Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ...(To everyone) Even more than I was.

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang are looking at old photos.]

Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy?

Ross: That little naked guy would be me.

Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.

Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?

Chandler: Who are those people?

Ross: Got me.

Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.

Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?

Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?

Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)

Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!

Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break as Lowell enters.]

Chandler: Hey, Lowell.

Lowell: Hey, Chandler.

Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Services?

Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads. How 'bout you?

Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not.

Lowell: I know. That's what I told her.

Chandler: Really.

Lowell: Yeah.

Chandler: So- you can tell?

Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time. We have a kind of... radar.

Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality?

Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is.

Chandler: He is?

Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league. (Exits)

Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.

End

The One Where Underdog Gets Away

Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss

Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips

With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss, Terry.]

Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary?

Terry: An advance?

Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job.

Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful.

Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look at that.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.]

Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips?

Guy: Huh?

Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.50 to go.

(Monica enters.)

Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?

Ross: No, they're not.

Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.

Ross: You're wrong.

Monica: I am not wrong.

Ross: You're wrong.

Monica: No, I just talked to them.

Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom.

(Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.)

Joey: Hey, hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?

Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.

Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.

Phoebe: What were you modeling for?

Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic?

Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"?

Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute.

Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be?

Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crosses fingers)

Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.

Joey: Thanks.

(Ross comes back to the couch.)

Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh? It's Thanksgiving.

Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at my place? I'll make it just like Mom's.

Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?

Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... (Ross looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right?

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.

Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.

Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma?

Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar.

Monica: So you're free Thursday, then.

Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come?

Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail?

Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go.

Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.

Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.

Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's.

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?

Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.

[Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]

Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here?

Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting.

Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan: Come in.

Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum.

Susan: What's it look like?

Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin.

Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it.

Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian.

Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it.

Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic.

Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.

Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're... crazy?

Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there?

Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it?

Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.

Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?

Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.

Ross: Really?

Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Rachel.]

Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I should get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of this.

Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say.

Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.

(Rachel enters.)

Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money?

Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.

Monica: Rach, here's your mail.

Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.

Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail.

Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.

Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just open it?

(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)

Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.

Monica: We all chipped in.

Joey: (to Monica) We did?

Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks.

Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much!

Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns.

Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?

Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.

Ross: Oh, I hate this story.

Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.

Rachel: Oh my god.

Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.

[Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous woman waiting. He goes up to her.]

Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together.

Girl: We did?

Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy. (pretends to spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis?

Girl: Yeah, right.

Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.

Girl: Get out.

Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back.

Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me.

Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?

Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.

Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?

Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Joey) Oh.

Joey: What's wrong?

Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.

Joey: Oh. What?

Girl: Um, leave.

Joey: Wait, wait, wait!

(Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst snickers from the gang.]

Joey: So I guess you all saw it.

Rachel: Saw what?

Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]

Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.

Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the doorway, not wanting to participate in the festivities.]

Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are yamming. (notices Ross is depressed) What?

Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.

Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my way and stop moping.

Ross: That's closer.

(Rachel enters, excited.)

Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop.

Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.

Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.

Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?

Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.

(Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Chandler's face.)

Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!

Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.

(Chandler leaves.)

Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots.

Monica: That's not a question.

Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease.

Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots.

Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.

(Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand away.)

Monica: Ah!

Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.

(Ross exits.)

Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.

Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps!

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.

Monica: Why would we do that?

Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died.

Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.

Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. (she starts to leave, and hits everyone with her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!

(Chandler enters, running.)

Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten away.

Joey: The balloon?

Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?

Rachel: I can't, I gotta go.

Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?

Phoebe: Almost never.

Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys!

Rachel: Ok.

(Everyone leaves the apartment.)

[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.]

Carol: Anytime you're ready.

Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down near her stomach) Ok, where am I talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but...

Carol: Just aim for the bump.

Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel stupid.

Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan does it.

Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming back from the roof.]

Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park.

Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean.

Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here?

Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys.

Monica: No I don't.

Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got the keys."

Monica: No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?"

Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys".

Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?

Monica: (panicked) The oven is on.

Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!

Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key.

Monica: Well then get it, get it!

Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster.

Monica: (angry) Joey!

Joey: That one will.

(Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.)

[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomach.]

Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.

Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want.

Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok?

(Susan enters.)

Susan: Hi, how's it goin?

Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down the street, get the funniest looks from, everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just feel that?

Carol: I did.

Ross: Does it always, uh--?

Carol: No, no that was the first.

Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing!

Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo.

Susan: I felt it!

Ross: (singin) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts.

[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.]

Joey: Nope, not that one.

Monica: Can you go any faster with that?

Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math.

Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?

Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like this.

Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess pointing out exits) right now. But I'm not.

Monica: I swear you said you had the keys.

Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys.

Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys.

(Short pause.)

Monica: Why would I have the keys?

Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you had them?

Monica: But I didn't.

Rachel: Well, you should have.

Monica: Why?

Rachel: Because!

Monica: Why?

Rachel: Because!

Monica: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn't it enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting to cry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots, and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and, and I... I...

Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go.

(They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.)

Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots) Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined.

(Ross enters, singing.)

Ross: Here we come, walkin' down the—this doesn't smell like Mom's.

Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? (picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one.

Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys.

Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice.

Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner?

Joey: You call that delicious?

(all shouting)

Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving.

[Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other. Phoebe is at the window.]

Phoebe: Ooh.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.

(They all run to the window.)

Joey: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy!

Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing!

Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone.

[Time lapse. The gang is around the table, eating grilled cheese sandwiches.]

Chandler: Shall I carve?

Rachel: By all means.

Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?

Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese.

Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me?

Joey: Oh, I will.

Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.

Monica: Make a wish?

Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?

Joey: The bigger half.

Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.

All: That's so sweet.

Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.

Rachel: And a crappy New Year.

Chandler: Here, here!

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he peels off the caption on his poster, revealing more posters underneath. The captions read, as follows:

Bladder Control Problem

Stop Wife Beating

Hemorrhoids?

Winner of 3 Tony Awards...

He's finally happy with that and walks away.]

End

The One With the Monkey

Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider

Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet.

(A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)

All: Oooh!

Monica: W-wait. What is that?

Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?

Monica: No, no, I don't.

Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?

Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.

Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?

Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!

Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?

Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...

Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?

Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there.]

Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.

Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.

(Enter Joey)

All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.

Monica: So, how'd it go?

Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.

Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.

Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.

Monica: So what are you gonna be?

Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know?

Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? (They all protest and hit her with cushions) Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?

Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!

Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.

Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!

Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.

All: Yeah, okay. Alright.

Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.

All: Woooo! Yeah!

Rachel: Phoebe, you're on.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, good.

Rachel: (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!

Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)

I made a man with eyes of coal

And a smile so bewitchin',

How was I supposed to know

That my mom was dead in the kitchen?

(shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...

(Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.)

Phoebe: (Sung)

...My mother's ashes

Even her eyelashes

Are resting in a little yellow jar,

And sometimes when it's breezy...

(Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy discussion)

Phoebe: (Sung)

...I feel a little sneezy

And now I- (abruptly stops)

Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They stop talking and look up) Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?

Max: No. No, that's- that's okay.

Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear!

Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note!

David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-

Phoebe: Could you speak up please?

David: (Stands up and speaks more loudly) Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought

Max: Daryl Hannah.

David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a

Max: Hard quality.

David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. (Sits down)

Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes over to their table)

Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.]

Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off)

Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?

Ross: Just a smidge.

Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical.

Monica: I think it's romantic.

Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?

Rachel: Yeah!

Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...

Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact.

Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?

Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice.

Monica: What?!

Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact!

Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped.

Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history!

Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!

[Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.]

Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late.

(He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume)

Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey!

Joey: Nice shoes, huh? (He wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle)

Chandler: Aah, y'killing me!

(Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools)

Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again!

Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right?

Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?

Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some faeces...

Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.

Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me.

Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.

[Scene: Max and David's lab, David is explaining something to Phoebe with the aid of a whiteboard.]

David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory, because today's particle accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions.

Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then.

David: Yuh.

Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me ever?

David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be (Writes YES on the board) yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you.

Phoebe: Sure.

David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.

Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body.

David: Rrrreally.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me.

David: ...Now? Now?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now.

David: Okay, okay, okay. (Gets ready to sweep, and then picks up a laptop computer) Y'know what, this was just really expensive. (Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope) And I'll take- this was a gift. (Moves it)

Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying.

David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. (Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe) You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?

Phoebe: I can hop. (She hops onto the table)

(They kiss, finally)

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?

Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.

Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby?

Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob.

Rachel: (Brings Joey a mug of coffee) Okay, here we go...

Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk!

Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) There. Now there is.

Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.

Joey: Uh, four.

Ross: Four.

Rachel: Five.

Ross: Five. (Buries his head in his hands)

Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight.

Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to do?

Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops?

Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's with who.

Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now.

Monica: What's the matter?

Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking around all the time dragging his hands...

Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night.

Ross: Really.

Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.

Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing?

Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that.

Ross: No.

Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon...

(Max runs in)

Max: Phoebe. Hi.

Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?

Max: No. Have you seen David?

Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around.

Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk.

Phoebe: Minsk?

Max: Minsk. It's in Russia.

Phoebe: I know where Minsk is.

Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.

Phoebe: So when, when do you leave?

Max: January first.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe knocks on the door]

Phoebe: Hello?

David: Hey!

Phoebe: Hi.

David: Hi! (Kisses her) What-what're you doing here?

Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a fake cheery voice) congratulations! This is so exciting!

Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were going.

Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? (Fake disappointed voice) Oh, why?

Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my girlfriend!!' (Storms out)

David: Thank you, Max. Thank you.

Phoebe: So-so you're really not going?

David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just- you decide.

Phoebe: Oh don't do that.

David: Please.

Phoebe: Oh no no.

David: No, but I'm asking-

Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that-

David: No, but I can't-

Phoebe: It's your thing, and-

David: -make the decision-

Phoebe: Okay, um, stay.

David: Stay.

Phoebe: Stay.

(He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)

Phoebe: Getting so good at that! (She hops on)

David: It was Max's stuff. (They kiss)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the party has started.]

Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs her Janice laugh)

Chandler: You remember Janice.

Monica: Vividly.

(Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it)

Monica: Hi.

Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy.

Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! (She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger girl)...You brought your kids.

Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right?

(Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder)

Ross: Par-tay!

Monica: That thing is not coming in here.

Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home?

Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.

Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...

Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me.

Ross: Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later.

(The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)

Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's Paolo?

Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight.

Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated?

Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?

[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]

Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.

Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty.

Sandy: Yeah.

(They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them)

Joey: Hey, kids...

Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.

Janice: (Startles them) There you are! Haaah, you got away from me!

Chandler: (Imitating) But you found me!

Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. (Hands him a camera and he starts snapping) Smile! You're on Janice Camera!

Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now.

(Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks through the spyhole)

Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!

(Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed)

Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am!

Joey: (Approaching) Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died?

(Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back)

[Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in tears]

Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see him again.

Janice: (Ross is still taking their photo) Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter.

Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we-

Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no.

Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood...

Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. (She runs off)

(Ross is still taking photos)

Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)

(David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up)

Phoebe: Hi, Max!

Max: Yoko. (To David) I've decided to go to Minsk without you.

David: Wow.

Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.(Walks off)

Phoebe: Are you alright?

David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

(Phoebe leads David into a bedroom)

Phoebe: You're going to Minsk.

David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk.

Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me.

David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you.

Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say (Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand that!'.

David: Uh, ow.

Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me.

David: I'll never forget you.

Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy.

Dick Clark: (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square...

(Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids)

Joey: There y'go, kids.

Chandler: (To a woman who he has clearly just met) And then the peacock bit me. (Laughs) Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)

Joey: You seen Sandy?

Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you.

Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.

All: (in the kitchen) What?

Rachel: The bll is drrbing!

Dick Clark: (on TV) In twenty seconds it'll be midnight...

Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.

Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked out.

Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.

Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby!

(Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight comes and everyone at the party except for the gang cheers and kisses)

Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. (Makes kiss noise)

Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight.

Rachel: I can't kiss anyone.

Monica: So I'm kissing everyone?

Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother.

Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's getting kissed but me.

Chandler: Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me!

Joey: Alrightalrightalright. (Kisses him. Ross takes a photo) There.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.]

Ross: (Watching Marcel and talking to Rachel) I wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so much doesn't love you back.

Rachel: ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth.

End

The One With Mrs. Bing

Written by: Alexa Junge

Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]

Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?

Monica: Why?

Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.

Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.

Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma.

Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.

(The guy walks past them)

Guy: Nice hat.

Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks.

(The guy walks on)

Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle.

Monica: We are not going to whistle.

Phoebe: Come on, do it.

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Do it!

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Do it do it do it!

Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!

(The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)

Phoebe: I can't believe you did that!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.]

Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?

Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!

Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this.

Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.

Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.

Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!

Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.

Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.

Phoebe: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.]

Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?

Monica: He doesn't have anyone.

Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.

Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.

Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)

Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.

(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)

Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.

Rachel: No way, forget it.

Joey: C'mon, she's your mom!

Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?

Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!

Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'

Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.

Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.

Ross: Oh, please...

(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)

Paolo: Bona sera.

Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)

Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?

Monica: Last night.

Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.

Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on!

Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!

Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about?

Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?

Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...

Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?

All: Shhh.

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.

Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!

Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love...

All: Awww!

Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.

Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.

(The gang turn to look at Chandler)

Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.

[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background.  It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.]

Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.

[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]

Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen.

Monica: Nah... not-not special enough.

Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?

Monica: Waaay too special.

[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]

Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu)

Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?

Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.

Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.

Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down) Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.

Chandler: I know I am.

Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots?

Monica: Yeah.

Phoebe: I'm in.

Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross?

Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.

(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)

Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time.

Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)

[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a jeweller's eye.]

Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?

(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)

Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.

Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]

Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?

(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')

Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?

Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)

Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?

Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.

Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.

Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.

Ross: You're good.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?

Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off.

Ross: When?

Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.

Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!

Ross: Please.

Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...

Ross: Right.

Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.

(She kisses him on the cheek)

Ross: Uh-oh...

(...Then full on the mouth)

(Enter Joey)

Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown—it's Ross.]

Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)

Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?

Joey: Right. No big deal.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!

Ross: What code?

Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!

(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)

Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?

Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.

Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.

Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.

Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.

Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door)

Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.

Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?

Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's...

Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?

Ross: Well... not in the same way...

Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?

Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...

(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?

Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!

Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!

Ross: He didn't get the goggles!

Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.

(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)

Rachel: Goodbye, baby.

Paolo: Ciao, bela.

(They kiss. Ross is watching them)

Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?

(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)

Joey: So are you gonna tell him?

Ross: Why would I tell him?

Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.

Ross: Oh...

Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?

Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!

Monica: ...What did I ask?

[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons.]

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Hi.

Monica: What are you doing here?

Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?

Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?

Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?

Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.

Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.]

Chandler: Oh my God.

Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.

Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?

Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.

Chandler: What?

Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-

Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?

Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened.

Ross: Thanks, man, big help.

Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?

Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-

Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.

Ross: I know-

Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)

Ross: Chandler-

Joey: Me neither, y'know what-

Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.

Joey: What are you mad at me for?!

Ross: Chandler-

Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)

Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code?

Ross: Joey-

Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler.  Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.]

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'.

Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?

Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.

Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hello.

Monica: Hello.

Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight?

Monica: No, you?

Phoebe: No, you?

Monica: You just asked me.

Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this now?

Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!

Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.

Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.

Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.

Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.

Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:)

You don't have to be awake to be my man,

As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand.

Though we just met the other day,

There's something I have got to say...

(She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)

Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!

(Enter Chandler)

Chandler: What was that?

Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a...

Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter)

Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up.

Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.

Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.

Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?

Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!

(People turn to look)

Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play.

Chandler: That's very funny. We done now?

Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel?

Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.

Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!

[Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no sign of Coma Guy.  His bed is empty.]

Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?

(There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)

Monica: Oh! You're awake!

Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel?

Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.

Monica: You look good!

Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?

Monica: Oh, sorry.

Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay.

Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.

Phoebe: Well, we both have.

Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys?

Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me.

Monica: I got you the foot massager.

Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me.

Monica: I read to you.

Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah!

Coma Guy: Well,... thanks.

Monica: Oh, my pleasure.

Phoebe: You're welcome.

Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around.

Phoebe: What, that's it?

Monica: "See you around?"

Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say?

Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" Admit something to me? "I'll call you?"

Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you.

Phoebe: I don't think you mean that.

Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]

Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?

Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.

Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)

Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.

Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.

Chandler: Really stupid.

Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now?

Chandler: Yeah. No. No...

[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.]

Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.

Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.

Ross: You're kidding.

Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?"

Ross: Wow!

Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?"

Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your mom?"

Joey: That makes more sense.

Ross: So, what's going on now?

Joey: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! (Goes back to the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spyhole)

Ross: Whaddya see?

Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!

(Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his mom come out)

Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo?

Chandler: Yeah, okay.

Mrs. Bing: Alright. (Kisses him)

Chandler: Nice save.

(She walks down the hall)

Ross: (Very politely) Mrs. Bing.

Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller.

(She leaves)

(Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: You mean that?

Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.

Ross: Yeah? How'd it go?

Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse.

Ross: Well, howdya feel?

Chandler: Pretty good! I told her.

Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't have to go down that road.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang.]

Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.

Monica: What's a 'niffle'?

Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.

Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...

Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

Rachel: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!

All: Nooo!

End

The One With the Dozen Lasagnas

Written by: Jeffrey Astrof, Mike Sikowitz, Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider

Transcribed by: Jim & Tracy Lambers

With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.]

Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the kitchen.]

Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe you could scrape.

(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room)

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?

Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that! (snaps fingers)

Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces)

Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)

Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone)

Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?

(Camera pans back to group in living room)

Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!

Ross: (waves) Hello!

Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)

(Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks annoyed)

Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos (touching Paolo's nose with forefinger with each syllable)

Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touches nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her)

Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living room, imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah

(Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen)

Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?

Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend.

Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!

Monica: Yeah, that's a big step.

Rachel: I know...

(Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)

Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!

Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now?

(Camera pans back to Rachel)

Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally...

(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)

Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration!

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.]

Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby hands...

Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever!

(Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table falls over)

Joey: Need a new table.

Chandler: You think?

[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the door and Carol answers it to Ross.]

Carol: Hey hey, come on in!

(Ross enters, carrying lasagna)

Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna.

Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat.

Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is...

Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today.

Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me, tell me, is everything, uhh....?

Carol: Totally and completely healthy!

Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame)

Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?

Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.

Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course it's your friend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly)

Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex?

Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw...

Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.

Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!

Carol: Do you want to know?

Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...

(Susan enters)

Susan: Oh, hello Ross!

Ross: Susan...

Susan: So, so, did you hear?

Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK!

Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we know...?

Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be...

Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here!

Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be?

Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Ross stands back, reaches out and lightly taps Susan's shoulder)

Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was going to be?

Carol and Susan: It's a...

Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to know, don't want to know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably just go.

Carol: Well, thanks for the books.

Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach, then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.)

Susan: All right, who should we call first, your folks, or Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)

Carol: Hello?

Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know. (Carol and Susan laugh)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's,  Joey and Chandler use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.]

Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?

Joey: That's the rule.

Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!

Joey: How'd you get to that?

Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio

Joey: You knew about that?

Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination.

Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it?

Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together?

Joey: Yeah

Chandler: You think we're ready for something like that?

Joey: Why not?

Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to move out?

Joey: Why, are you moving out?

Chandler: I'm not moving out.

Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip...

Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip!

Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.

Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better roommate than me?

Chandler: Aw, don't do that

[Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant is telling her about the changes to her schedule.]

Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.

Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in)

Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters)

Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!

Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?

Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh?

Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah!

(Paolo speaks Italian)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started.

Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked?

Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked!

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]

Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows....

Monica: And Monica knows...

Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know!

Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she told me.

Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's ear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest)

Ross: Wait—oh—hey—huh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know!

Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!

Joey: Or an uncle...

(Phoebe enters)

Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!

Ross: Hi Pheebs!

Rachel: Pheebs!

Phoebe: Fine!

Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter?

Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.

Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?

Rachel: Oh, right, that's me!

Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on.

Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door)

Monica: Phoebe, what is it?

Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo?

Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes...

Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me.

(Joey and Chandler come back)

Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow!

Chandler: More coffee over here, please!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Monica: Well, what happened?

Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.)

[Cut back to Central Perk.]

Joey and Chandler:  Ooooohh!

Ross: My God.

Monica: Are you sure?

(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)

[Cut back to Central Perk.]

Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head)

Monica: Was it...?

Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there.

Guys: Oooooo....

(Rachel runs over)

Rachel: "Ooo," what?

Phoebe: Uma Thurman.

Monica: Oh!

Ross: The actress!

(all talking indistinctly, high-fiving)

Ross: Thanks Rach.

(Rachel walks away)

Chandler: So what are you gonna do?

Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in)

Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.

Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went!

Phoebe: She is gonna hate me.

Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well...

[Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their new table.]

Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that one? (points to a table)

Chandler: That's patio furniture!

Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course!

Chandler: (gesturing towards another table) What about the birds?

Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello, sit here, eat something."

Chandler: You pick one.

Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs?

Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!

Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds!

Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hi Pheebs!

Phoebe: Are you moving out?

Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up small blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's.

Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?

Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way over.

Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um,

Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...

Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)

Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?!

Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies

Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the best oatmeal cookies I've ever had.

Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.

Rachel: I guess you don't.

Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me.

(Rachel looks stunned)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Monica admiring their new table.]

Chandler: So, what do you think?

Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen.

Chandler: I know!

(The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler's new foosball table.)

Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance the plates on these little guys' heads?

Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's play!

Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey) Score! (points at Chandler) You suck!

(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from the shock.]

Phoebe: Are you okay?

Rachel: I need some milk.

Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better?

Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so..." Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!

Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!

(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)

Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened!

Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry!

Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?

Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig!

Phoebe: Such a pig!

Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig,

Phoebe: Oh he's like a...

Rachel: He's like a big disgusting...

Phoebe: ...like a...

Rachel: ...pig...pig man!

Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...

Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see this?

Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It's because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you...

Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs...

Phoebe: The end.

Rachel: Oh, God...

Phoebe: Should I not have told you?

Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better...

(Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went across the hall as the foosball game continues.]

Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's over there right now, so...

Monica: We should get over there and see if she's okay. (switching places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica scores, high-fives with Ross) Game! Come on. (Monica and Phoebe leave)

Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts.

Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic standing-there team.

Ross: Come on, two on one.

Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop in!

Ross: What, now?

Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that you're everything he's not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo!

Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's clothes over the side.]

Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's...

[Cut to inside the apartment.]

Ross: (entering) How's it going?

Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Ok, that is either, "How could you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes!

Phoebe: Ooh!

(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)

Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye.

Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye.

Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, (hands him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.

Paolo: Grazie.

Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speak for everyone when I say... (shuts door in his face and walks away)

Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel on the balcony)

Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go out there so she's not overwhelmed...

Monica: Oh, you're right.

Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it should be me.

[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through the window.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: You all right?

Rachel: Ooh, I've been better...

Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so much better than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you.

Rachel: Oh, Ross...

Ross: What?

Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy, I don't want to think about another guy, I don't even want to be near another guy. (Ross crosses arms)

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great!

Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs)

[Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.]

Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right?

Rachel: Oh...

Phoebe: You ok?

Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left?

Phoebe: Yep!

Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.

Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to figure out what I want

Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are going to be a Paolo.

Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be one.

Ross: (astonished) What?

Rachel: What?

Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy?

Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a boy.

Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I having a boy?

Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs Ross)

Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy!

(Joey and Chandler run in)

Chandler: Wha-

Joey: Wha-

Joey and Chandler: What is it?

Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they hug)

Ross: I'm having a son. Um...

(Ross looks scared)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing Chandle and Joey at foosball.]

Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down!

Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start heading for their rooms.)

Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more game!

Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning!

Chandler: Yeah, get out!

Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'm gone.

Chandler: (to Joey) One more game?

Joey: Oh yeah!

End

The One With the Boobies

Written by: Alexa Junge

Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in and starts raiding the fridge. Then Rachel comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her waist, drying herself with another towel. Chandler and Rachel startle each other and she drops the towel for a second and snatches the rug off the couch.]

Rachel: That is it! You just barge in here, you don't knock

Chandler: I'm sorry!

Rachel: You have no respect for anybody's privacy!

Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait.

Rachel: No, you wait! This is ridiculous!

Chandler: Can I just say one thing?

Rachel: What? What?!

Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipular areas.

Rachel: Oh!!

(She storms off)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her boyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica.]

Phoebe: Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are, like, other things. Y'know? Like, the phone rings and she takes a shower.

Roger: That's pretty much it.

Phoebe: Oops!

Roger: But you tell it really well, sweetie.

Phoebe: Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can talk about you.

Roger: Okay. I'll miss you.

Phoebe: Isn't he great?

Rachel: He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much.

Phoebe: I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky, y'know?

Monica: So, you think you'll do it on his couch?

Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a little weird, y'know? Vinyl.

Rachel: Okaaay. (To the guys, on the couch) Any of you guys want anything else?

Chandler: Oh, yes, could I have one of those. (Points)

Rachel: No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else?

Chandler: Okay.

Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something?

Chandler: No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.

Ross: You what? Wh what were you doing seeing her boobies?

Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.

Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?

Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts.

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.

Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.

Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice.

Chandler: Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me.

Roger: You're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't wanna be there when when the laughter stops.

Chandler: Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you mean by that?

Roger: Oh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. Y'know, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance.

Chandler: Huh.

Roger: I mean hey! I just met you, I don't know you from Adam. ...Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.

Chandler: Uhhuh, how did you know that?

Roger: It's textbook.

(Joey enters with his dad)

Joey: Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad, right?

All: Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib!

Monica: Hey, how long are you in the city?

Mr. Tribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry. (Sees Roger) I don't know this one.

Phoebe: Oh, this is my friend Roger.

Roger: Hi.

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger.

Roger: You too, sir.

Mr. Tribbiani: (To Phoebe) What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?

Joey: Dad, dad. (Shakes his head)

Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? (Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny!

(Chandler stays stonefaced)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on the phone.]

Mr. Tribbiani: Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but it's getting real late now

Joey: (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To his dad) Did you know this isn't Ma?

(His dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is chopping mushrooms)

Mr. Tribbiani: Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician.

Joey: Sure. So how long you been... (Goes back to chopping)

Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the navy yard and show you the big ships?

Joey: Since then?!

Mr. Tribbiani: No, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. ...Joe. Y'ever been in love?

Joey: ...I d'know.

Mr. Tribbiani: Then y'haven't. You're burning your tomatoes.

Joey: You're one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in a saucepan)

Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women.

Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma.

Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matter with you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting to everyone about hid dad's affair.]

Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this double life. He's like actually some spy, working for the C.I.A. (Considers) That'd be cool.... This blows!

Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? (She walks over near Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest) Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... (Notices Chandler) Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?

Chandler: (Without looking up) What? (Looks up) What?

Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day?

Ross: Alright, alright. We're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.

Chandler: Y'know, I don't see that happening?

Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.

Chandler: Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.'

(Door buzzer goes)

Monica: Hello?

Phoebe: (Intercom) It's Phoebe.

Roger: (Intercom) And Rog.

Monica: C'mon up.

Chandler: (Sarcastic) Oh, good. Rog is here.

Joey: What's the matter with Rog?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate that guy.

Ross: What, so he was a little analytical. That's what he does, y'know? C'mon, he's not that bad.

(Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table. Ross is upset)

Ross: Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her if I thought on any level thatthat she was a lesbian?

Roger: I dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.

Ross: Why? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why?

Roger: I don't know. Maybe maybe low self-esteem, maybe maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling, maybe you...

Monica: Wait-wait, go back to that sibling thing.

Roger: Well, I don't know. I mean, it's conceivable that you wanted to sabotage your marriage so that the sibling would feel less of a failure in the eyes of the parents.

Ross: That that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures!

Monica: Oh! So you think I'm a failure!

Phoebe: Isn't he good?

Ross: Nonono, thatthat's not what I was saying...

Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you better!

Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!

(Cut to later. Rachel is in tears)

Rachel: You're right! I mean you're right! It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace, and and the Weebles' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.

Roger: That's tough. Tough stuff. C'mon, Pheebs, we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay?

Roger: Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie...

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon.

Monica: You're welcome.

Roger: Listen guys, it was great seeing you again. Mon, um, easy on those cookies, okay? Remember, they're just food, they're not love.

(He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)

Monica: Hate that guy! (Throws another cookie)

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey are just leaving Monica and Rachel's.]

Joey: Night, you guys.

(They notice that a woman is sitting by their door)

Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.

Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?

Ronni: Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.

Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani.

Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures! (Joey stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?

Chandler: Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ronni is talking to Chandler. Joey's dad is not around.]

Ronni: Now, y'see, most people, when their pets pass on, they want 'em sorta laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you get your person who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, (Demonstrates) or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee.

Chandler: Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.

Ronni: That's a good one!

(Joey's dad enters.)

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, Joe.

Joey: Dad, Ronni's here.

Mr. Tribbiani: Huh?

Ronni: Hi.

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey! Hello, babe! Wh what're what're you doing here?

Ronni: Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment, I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting. (Hands him the hair)

Mr. Tribbiani: Thank you. Uh...

Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?

Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better get going, I don't wanna miss the last train.

Mr. Tribbiani: I don't want you taking that thing.

Ronni: Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here?

Joey: Who-ah-ho.

Mr. Tribbiani: We'll go to a hotel.

Ronni: (Shrugs) We'll go to a hotel.

Joey: No you won't.

Ronni: No we won't.

Joey: If you go to a hotel you'll be...doing stuff. I want you right here where I can keep an eye on you.

Mr. Tribbiani: You're gonna keep an eye on us?

Joey: That's right, mister, and I don't care how old you are, as long as you're under my roof you're gonna live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.

Ronni: Wow. He's strict.

Joey: Now dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.

Ronni: Thanks. You're, uh, you're a good kid.

Chandler: C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late."

Joey: Okay. Now this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you gotta make a change. This has gone on long enough.

Mr. Tribbiani: What kinda change?

Joey: Well, either you break it off with Ronni

Mr. Tribbiani: I can't do that!

Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right!

Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah, but this is

Joey: I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and Joey are sharing the sofabed in the living room. Joey is restless.]

Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?

Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear.

Chandler: Well, you're gonna.

Joey: I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls...

Chandler: Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?

Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking...

Chandler: Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?

Joey: No.

Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm married."

Joey: You really think so?

Chandler: Yeah. I really do.

Joey: Thanks, Chandler. (Snuggles up to him)

Chandler: Get off!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it.]

Ronni: Hi.

Monica: Hi...May I help you?

Ronni: Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower, since, uh, Chandler's in ours?

Monica: Okay...who are you?

Ronni: Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress?

Monica: Oh, c'mon in.

Ronni: Thanks.

Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel.

Ronni: Hi.

Rachel: Bathroom's up there.

Ronni: Great.

Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower?

Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes?

Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee time. (She goes into Joey and Chandler's apartment, where Mr. Tribbiani is reading the paper) Hey, Mr. Trib.

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey. Morning, dear.

(Rachel goes up to the door of their bathroom)

Rachel: Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing.

(She opens the door and whips back the curtain. It's Joey. They both scream)

Joey: (Runs out in a towel) What's the matter with you?!

Rachel: I thought it was Chandler!

Chandler: (Comes out of his room) What? What?

Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!

Chandler: Sorry, my my thing was in there with me.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe enters.]

All: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: How's it going?

Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.

(Chandler laughs)

Phoebe: So what's going on?

Monica: Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger.

Ross: I dunno, there's just something about...

Chandler: Basically we just feel that he's...

Rachel: We hate that guy.

All: Yeah. Hate him.

Ross: We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.

Phoebe: Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, though, it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaks you out?

All: ...No, we hate him.

Rachel: We're sorry.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is trying to turn the sofabed back into a sofa. Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at him.]

Joey: Ma! What're you doing here?

Mrs. Tribbiani: I came to give you this (Gives him a bag of groceries) and this. (Whacks him round the ear)

Joey: Oww! Big ring!

Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. (She gives the sofabed a tiny push and it folds away)

Joey: Hold on, you-you knew?

Mrs. Tribbiani: Of course I knew! What did you think? Your father is no James Bond. You should've heard some of his cover stories. "I'm sleeping over at my accountant's," I mean, what is that? Please!

Joey: So then how could you I mean, how could you?!

Mrs. Tribbiani: Do you remember how your father used to be? Always yelling, always yelling nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy, not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. Now he's happy! I mean, it's nice, he has a hobby.

Joey: Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you?

Mrs. Tribbiani: Me? I'm fine. Look, honey, in an ideal world, there'd be no her, and your father would look like Sting. And I'll tell you something else. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along, he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive, he's been more loving... I mean, it's like every day's our anniversary.

Joey: I'm...happy...for you?

Mrs. Tribbiani: Well don't be, because now everything's screwed up. I just want it the way it was.

Joey: Ma, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want.

Mrs. Tribbiani: I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did. So tell me. Did you see her?

Joey: Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is.

Mrs. Tribbiani: That's sweet. Could I take her?

Joey: With this ring? (Her engagement ring.) No contest.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there with Roger.]

Roger: What's wrong, sweetie?

Phoebe: Nothing, nothing.

Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. (Pats his leg. She lies down and rests her head in his lap)

Phoebe: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't.

Roger: Oh. They don't.

Phoebe: But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little...

Roger: What?

Phoebe: Intense and creepy.

Roger: Oh.

Phoebe: But I don't. Me, Phoebe.

Roger: Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they feel that way.

Phoebe: You're not? See, that's why you're so great!

Roger: Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical behaviour when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. Y'know, this kind of co-dependant, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you're like all 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!'.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is letting everyone in on the new developments.]

Monica: So you talked to your dad, huh.

Joey: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma like she wanted, she's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know even though she does, and my little sister Tina can't see her husband any more because he got a restraining order...which has nothing to do with anything except that I found out today.

Rachel: Wow.

Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain.

Ross: So Joey, you okay?

Joey: Yeah, I guess. It's just parents, after a certain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you've gotta let them make their own mistakes.

Rachel: Just think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them.

Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey, Pheebs.

Monica: How's it going?

Phoebe: Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.

All: Awww.

Phoebe: Yeah, right.

All: Aaawwwwww!!

Rachel: What happened?

Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading the paper and Joey enters.]

Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What's going on?

Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel)

Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?!

Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies.

(He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and Joey's apartment. She sneaks up to the shower door)

Monica: Hello, Joey.

(She whips back the curtain to reveal Joey's dad)

Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the curtain shut in horror)

End

The One With the Candy Hearts

Written by: Bill Lawrence

Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips

With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]

Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.

Ross: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.

Chandler: Any contact?

Ross: She lent me an egg once.

Joey: You're in!

Ross: Aw, right.

Woman: Hi, Ross.

Ross: Hey. (stutters something incoherent)

Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian—I don't think we need a third...

Joey: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks.

Ross: An egg?

Joey: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."

Chandler: I think it's winning.

Ross: I think it's insane.

Chandler: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.

(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)

Joey: Think it'll work?

Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to the beautiful woman.]

Monica: You can not do this.

Rachel: Do what, do what?

Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.

Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?

Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!

Monica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do.

Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.

Chandler: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...

Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.

Chandler: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a...

Joey: Pathetic mess? I know, but—come on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and eats it.) Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this.

Ross: Hi. She said yes.

Chandler: Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?

[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates to show up.]

Joey: (Looking at himself in the reflection on a knife) How do I look?

Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.

Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice.

Chandler: ...And what did you bring?

Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.

Chandler: Janice?

(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.)

Janice: Oh.... my.... God.

Chandler: (angrily) Hey, it's Janice.

[Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant, Chandler and Joey are talking.]

Chandler: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window.

Joey: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down.

Chandler: Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months!

Joey: (at the urinal) Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous.

Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets up right behind Joey and yells in his ear) Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.]

Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.

Monica: Which one was Pete Carney?

Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. (imitating) "Was it good for you?"

Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two months—I didn't get to win once.

Rachel: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people!

Monica: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets.

Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.

Monica: There's more beer, right?

Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.

Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.

Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.

Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?

Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.

Rachel: Or?

Phoebe: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.

Monica: Burning's good.

Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.

[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one another.]

Lorraine: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes.

Joey: Good for you. (jumps suddenly) Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?

Janice: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.

Chandler: That's OK.

Janice: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.

(Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.)

Joey: (to Lorraine) We can't do that.

Chandler: (disgusted) What? What can't you do?

Joey: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there?

(Chandler and Joey leave the table.)

Joey: Uh, we might be leaving now.

Chandler: Tell me it's "you and me" we.

Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it.

Chandler: Ok, you can not do this to me.

Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.

Lorraine: (to waiter) Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?

Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler.

Chandler: I hope she throws up on you.

(Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back down with Janice.)

Chandler: So...

Janice: Just us.

Chandler: Oh, what a crappy night!

Janice: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been stickin' outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom.

Chandler: Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up... other patrons look at him) How ya doin'?

Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?

Chandler: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?

Janice: I will go for that drink.

Chandler: You got it. Good woman! (the waiter turns around, it's a man) Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?

Janice: Each.

Chandler: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. (to Janice) I've always wanted to know...

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else's hand on his chest. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.]

Janice: Happy Valentine's Day!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is trying to get Janice out of his apartment.]

Janice: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened?

Chandler: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.

Janice: Kiss me!

(Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.}

Monica: Oh, Chandler, sorry.

(Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.)

Monica: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.

Janice: Hi, Monica.

Chandler: Ok, well, this was very special.

Monica: Rach, come see who's out here!

(Rachel comes out.)

Rachel: Oh my god. Janice, hi!

Chandler: Janice is gonna go away now.

Monica: I'll be right back.

(Joey enters from the stairs.)

Rachel: Oh, Joey, look who it is.

Joey: (in disbelief) Whoa.

Chandler: Oh, good, Joey's home now.

Janice: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall.

(Monica comes out with her cordless phone.)

Monica: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to. (to Chandler) He just happened to call.

Janice: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? (she laughs obnoxiously)

[Scene: A Chinese Restaurant, Ross is there with his date.]

Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.

(Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.)

Kristin: That's funny. Who are they?

Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend.

Kristin: You mean they're lovers.

Ross: If you wanna put a label on it.

Kristin: Wow, uh, anything else I should know?

Ross: Nope, nope, that's it.

(Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.)

Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol and Susan) Helloo!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.]

Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine.

Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.

Phoebe: Um, that's ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.

Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

Monica: Can we just start throwing things in?

Phoebe: Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions in) Oh, OK.

Rachel: (tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.

Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.

Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.

Rachel: (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a sweater.

Monica: No.

Rachel and Phoebe: Eww!

Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.

Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure...

(Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice again.]

Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?

Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.

Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.

(Janice enters.)

Janice: Hello, funny Valentine.

Chandler: Hi, Just Janice.

Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna!

(Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.)

Joey: (to Chandler) If you don't do it, I will.

[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant.]

Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living?

Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..(Ross is watching Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left stranded)...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.

Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you.

Susan: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry. (Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.)

Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.

Kristin: (reluctantly) I guess.

Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?

Carol: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Ross: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...(struggling)...does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.]

Fireman No. 1: What do we got there?

Fireman No. 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what looks like a half-charred picture—Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief!

Monica: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.

Fireman No. 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control.

Fireman No. 1: You're our third call tonight.

Rachel: Really?

Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.

[Scene: Central Perk.]

Janice: I brought you something.

Chandler: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. (reading the candy) Chan and Jan Forever.

Janice: I had them made special.

Chandler: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna work out.

Janice: That's fine.

Chandler: (surprised) It is?

Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.

Chandler: Oh no, you see, actually it is.

Janice: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing.

Chandler: Oh, no I don't.

Janice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed?

Chandler: I did, but...

Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.

(She kisses him passionately,then leaves.)

Chandler: Call me!

[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.]

Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.

Ross: You did so. I swear, I swear—(noticing Kristin's absence) How long has she been in the bathroom?

Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.

Ross: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had in 9 years.

Carol: That could be it.

Ross: Oh, god. (He puts his head down on the grill) You know, this is still pretty hot. (He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and eats it.)

Carol: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny

Ross: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know, here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.

(They kiss.)

Carol: Oh, I love you too. But...

Ross: No but, no but.

Carol: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you.

Ross: That's easy for you to say, you found one already.

Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.

(A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at her.)

Carol: Not her.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The girls are talking with the firemen.]

Fireman No. 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?

Rachel: So, um, will you bring the truck?

Fireman No. 3: I'll even let you ring the bell.

Rachel: Oh, my god.

Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansing works!

Monica: They're nice guys.

Rachel: Oh, they're firemen guys.

[Scene: Out in the hall, the firemen are talking.]

Fireman No. 1: You guys tell them you were married?

Fireman No. 2: No way!

Fireman No. 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them!

End

The One With the Stoned Guy

Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss

Transcribed by: Ruth Curran

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks.]

Rachel: (to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.)

Joey: Thank you.

Rachel: (to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hands it to him.)

Ross: Grazie.

Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it to her.)

Monica: Aww, thank you. (Notices something.) Uh Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Monica: Why does my cinamon stick have an eraser?

Rachel: Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind her ear, and finds a cinamon stick.) I'm sorry!

(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data into his computer, he keeps typing even while taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by.]

Woman: Chandler.

Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you.

Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the end of the day.

Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...

(Chandler comes in.)

Chandler: Hey!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Never mind. But it was going to be really good.

Ross: What's going on?

All: What is it?

Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.

All: That's great!

Chandler: So.... I quit.

All: Why?

Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!

Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years.

Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.

Phoebe: So was it a lot more money?

Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.

(Everyone looks at him, confused.)

Rachel: ... the WENUS?

Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS.

Joey: So what're you going to do?

Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there.

Phoebe: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? (pause) Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.

Monica: (taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi there.

Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....

Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.

Phoebe: (to Monica's tapping) Yeah, yeah!

Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for?

Phoebe: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu.

Monica: (excited) Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do you think?

Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.

Phoebe: OK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]

Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

Phoebe: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?

Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-gogo."

Rachel: Career counselor?

Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.

Rachel: I don't!

Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.

Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.

(Monica enters, excited.)

Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life!

Phoebe: Ooh! Brian's Song!

Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great?

Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?

Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises.

Rachel: What are you going to make?

Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn't paying attention) Yummy noises.

Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going to make?

Monica: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great!

Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. (sits down)

Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?

Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.

Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Chandler: Who are you going out with?

Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady?

Rachel: (trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross.

Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum.

Rachel: So what are you guys going to do?

Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.

Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.

Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe... (gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-huh?

Ross: Well, I don't know.... (gestures) huh-huh.... but I'm hoping (gestures) huh-huh.

Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging from Celia's hair, and she is screaming, trying to get him off.]

Ross: Celia, don't worry!  Don't scream!  He's not going to hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Marcel...

Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my...

Ross: Alright... (lifts Marcel away)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it.]

Monica: (to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse.

Joey: (tasting) Mmmm. Good.

Monica: Is it better than the other salmon mousse?

Joey: It's creamier.

Monica: Yeah, well, is that better?

Joey: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know?

(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)

Rachel: My God! What happened to you?

Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."

Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!

Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something.

Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!

Monica: (brings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here you go, maybe this'll cheer you up.

Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.

Monica: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche.

Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...

(Phone rings. Monica answers it.)

Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Wendy! (Listens) Yeah, eight o'clock. (Listens) What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?... (Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All right, I'll see you then. Bye. (hangs up)

Phoebe: Ten dollars an hour for what?

Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out.

Rachel: (hurt) Waitressing?

Joey: Uh-oh.

Monica: Well... of course I thought of you! But... but...

Rachel: But, but?

Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.

Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.

Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]

Celia: Talk to me.

Ross: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning...

Celia: No no no. Talk... dirty.

Ross: (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?

Celia: Yes...

Ross: Ah....

Celia: Say something..... hot.

Ross: (panicked) Er.... um.....

Celia: What?

Ross: Um... uh.... vulva.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last night.]

Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva?

Ross: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.

Joey: (sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times??

Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?

Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me.

Ross: (deadpan) Please be kidding.

Joey: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.

Ross: OK. (closes eyes) I'm in my apartment...

Joey: ....yeah... what else?

Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. (gets up, walks across room)

Joey: (walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I'll start, OK?

Ross: Joey, please.

Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! (in a low voice) Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now.

Ross: (impressed) Wow.

Joey: Alright, now you say something.

Ross: I... ahem... I really don't think so.

Joey: Come on! You like this woman, right?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: You want to see her again, right?

Ross: Sure.

Joey: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!

Ross: OK, turn around. (Joey looks taken aback) I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.

Joey: (turning around) Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead.

Ross: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.

Joey: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!

Ross: I, er...

(At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.)

Ross: I want to take my tongue... and...

(Chandler is completely astounded.)

Ross: ....and....

Joey: Say it... say it!

Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...

(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)

Chandler: (smiling)....with??

Ross: (rushing to explain) Funny story!

Joey: You're not going to believe this!

Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.

Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.

Chandler: Again?

Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to Chandler) And again.

Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)

[Scene: Chandler's new window office, he is showing Phoebe around.]

Chandler: Well?

Phoebe: (excited) Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube.

Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)

Phoebe: Oh! You have a window!

Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...

Phoebe: Oh look! That guy's peeing!

Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.

Phoebe: (sitting) OK.

Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment?

(An unamused woman walks into the office.)

Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all.

(She leaves, obviously perturbed.)

Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the conversation.]

Monica: (shouting on phone) Wendy, we had a deal! (Listens) Yeah, you promised! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up)

Rachel: Who was that?

Monica: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.

Rachel: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. (she walks away towards the door)

Monica: Ten dollars an hour.

Rachel: No.

Monica: Twelve dollars an hour.

Rachel: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.

Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... (Rachel isn't buying it, desperate) twenty dollars an hour.

Rachel: Done.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel is waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in with Steve (Crystal Duck winner Jon Lovitz).]

Rachel: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat?

Monica: Hi Steve!

Steve: Hello, Monica. (to Rachel) Hello, greeter girl.

Monica: (to Steve) This is Rachel.

Steve: (unconcerned) Yeah, OK.

Phoebe: (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of (Monica signals her to stop) of, OK, smells.

Steve: It's a lovely apartment.

Monica: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour?

Steve: I was just being polite, but, alright.

(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow them but Phoebe stops her and drags her into the kitchen.)

Rachel: What's up?

Phoebe: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja?

Rachel: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK.

Steve: (from the living room) Is it dry in here? (licks his lips)

Rachel: Let me, let me get you some wine!

Monica: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course. (Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray) OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro pondou sauce... (Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly)... with just a touch of mints... and... (he finishes)... ginger.

Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!

Monica: I'm so glad you liked them!

Steve: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them!

Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.

Steve: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning. (he gets up and goes into the kitchen)

Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything?

Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.

(Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it.)

Steve: (from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells! (Rachel motions, "You see!") You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope.

Monica: (joining him and taking the taco shells) You know that? You don't want to spoil your appetite.

Steve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's! (grabs the cereal box)

Monica: You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes...

Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!

Monica: No, we don't. (reaches for box)

Steve: Oh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor) Oh, sorry. (When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet.)

Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here? (he sits at the table, then tries to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him.) OK... give me the Gummi-bears.

Steve: (childishly) No.

Monica: Give them to me.

Steve: Alright, we'll share.

Monica: No, give me the...

Steve: Well then you can't have any. (she grabs for the package, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table.) Bear overboard! I think he's drowning. (he throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl) Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O... save yourself! (Mimicking the bears) "Help!  I'm drowning!   Help!"

Monica: (furious) That's it! Dinner is over!

Steve: What?

Monica: What?

Steve: Why?

Monica: Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet?

(The oven goes off.)

Steve: (excited) Hey!

[Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.]

Joey: What a tool!

Rachel: You don't want to work for a guy like that.

Ross: Yeah!

Monica: I know... it's just... I thought this was, you know... it.

Ross: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef.

Phoebe: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.

(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows him.)

Joey: (to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia?

Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable.

Joey: All right, Ross!

Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.

Joey: Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh?

Ross: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh...

Joey: You cuddled.

Ross: Yeah, which was nice.

Phoebe: You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something?

Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler?

Joey: Yeah, where the hell is he?

[Scene: Chandler's office, he's on the phone, agitated.]

Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....

Closing Credits

[Scene: Phoebe's massage parlour, she has Steve on the table, and is giving him an extra-painful massage.]

Phoebe: How's this? (presses down hard)

Steve: Eeeee!

Phoebe: Sorry. How about over here? (presses down hard again)

Steve: Aaaaah!

Phoebe: See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt? (presses down elsewhere)

Steve: No.

Phoebe: What about this? (she starts using her elbows on his back, he yells in pain)

Steve: Aaaaahhh!!

Phoebe: There you go! (She continues to work him over with her elbows and he continues to yell in pain.)

End

The One With Two Parts, part 1

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly

With Minot Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart

[Scene: Rift’s Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]

Chandler: This is unbelievable. It’s been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you’d be looking like a ham right about now.

(Ursula Buffay, Phoebe’s identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)

Joey: There’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?

(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)

Chandler: It’s Phoebe! Hi!

(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)

Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?

Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?

Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I’m here.

Joey: No, no... how come you are working here?

Ursula: Right, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.

Chandler: Can we start over?

Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)

Chandler and Joey: No, no, no!

Opening Credits

[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]

Ross: I don’t know whether he’s testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.

Rachel: No, yeah, I’ve done that.

Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.

Rachel: I’ve never done that.

(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shop’s sign—a large steaming cup of coffee.)

Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly like her sister.

Joey: I’m sayin’ I see a difference.

Chandler: They’re twins!

Joey: I don’t care. Phoebe’s Phoebe. Ursula’s... hot!

(Joey and Chandler come indoors.)

Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Let’s not do that any more.

(They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)

All: Hey guys! Hey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: Morly Safer.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!

Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.

Chandler: Your sister Ursula.

Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh...

Phoebe: Rift’s. Yeah, I know.

Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven’t talked in like years.

Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?

Joey: Not from where I was standin’.

Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?

Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don’t get along?

Phoebe: It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"

Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ve got Lamaze class.

Chandler: Oh, and I’ve got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym.

Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?

Ross: No, Susan’s gonna be there too. We’ve got dads, we’ve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.

Rachel: Well, isn’t, isn’t that gonna be weird?

Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I’m pretty comfortable with the whole situation.

Monica: Ross, that’s my jacket.

Ross: I know.

(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)

[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, who’s got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]

Woman: Hi, we’re the Rostins. Err, I’m J.C., and he’s Michael, and we’re having a boy, and a girl.

Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next?

Ross: Hi, um, I’m err, (has to clear his throat) I’m Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carol’s bulge) ..that’s, that’s my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol’s, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..who’s next?

Teacher: I’m sorry, I didn’t get... Susan is?

Ross: Susan is Carol’s, Carol’s, Carol’s, friend...

Carol: Life partner.

Ross: Like buddies.

Susan: Like lovers.

Ross: You know how close women can get.

(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)

Carol: Susan and I live together.

Ross: Although I was married to her.

Susan: Carol, not me.

Ross: Err, right.

Carol: It’s a little complicated.

Ross: A little.

Susan: But we’re fine.

Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! That’s like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.

[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.]

(Helen’s buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)

Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.

Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.

Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in.

(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting trophy from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the door.)

Nina: Hi.

Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in.

Nina: You wanted to see me?

Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I’ve just been going over your data here, and little thing, you’ve been post-dating your Friday numbers.

Nina: Which is bad, because?

Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.

Nina: Your... excuse me?

Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net...

Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus."

(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once he’s lost for something to say &ndash; so she nods her head to tell him that he’s thinking correctly...)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]

Chandler: It’s not just that she’s cute, okay. It’s just that... she’s really really cute.

Ross: It doesn’t matter. You don’t dip your pen in the company ink.

(Marcel scampers about, interfering with the neatness.)

Monica: Ross, your little creature’s got the remote again.

Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...

(Marcel points the remote at Monica’s television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)

Monica: Great.

Ross: Relax, I’ll fix it.

Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."

Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?

Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?

(Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have outstayed their welcome.)

Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year’s... but obviously someone forgot.

Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monica’s note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?

(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.)

Chandler: Hey, where you been?

Joey: I went back to Riff’s. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.

Chandler: Score.

Joey: She is so hot!

Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah?

Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?

Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that?  Why?

Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she’d be there.

Phoebe: Well, I mean, I’m not my sister’s, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it’s true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’ve grown apart, so, um... I don’t know, why not? Okay.

Joey: Cool, thanks.

(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)

Ross: You okay?

Phoebe: Yeah I’m fine.

Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?

(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)

[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins’ pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]

Ross: Sorry.

Ross: Hi. Sorry I’m late. Where’s, where’s Carol?

Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I’ll get the information.

Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what’s going on.

Susan: Oh, good. This’ll be fun.

Teacher: Alrighty. We’re gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don’t you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummy’s head.

(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)

Ross and Susan: What? What? What?

Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy?

Ross: Okay, I’m gonna play my sperm card one more time.

Susan: Look, I don’t see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I’m a woman.

Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?

Susan: I will flip you for it.

Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!

Susan: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom.

(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susan’s lap like all the other fathers.)

Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.

(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)

Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.

(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the door.]

Chandler: Mr. D, how’s it going, sir?

Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it’s been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.

Chandler: And?

Mr. Douglas: It’s pretty ugly. We haven’t seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Mr. Douglas: Well, we’re gonna be layin’ off people in every department.

Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very &ndash;

Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?

[Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.]

Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina.

(She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.)

Nina: Are you okay?

Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please don’t hate me.

Nina: (Taking her hand away) What?

Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometime?

(Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]

Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?

Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.

Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?

Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.

Rachel: Ooh, okay... good.

(Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about them as Jamie removes her coat and scarf.)

Jamie: What is this place?

Fran: Look, you’re cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..there’s a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?

(Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)

Jamie: I think we have an answer.

Fran: What’s she doing here?

Jamie: This could be God’s way of telling us to eat at home.

Fran: Think she got fired at Riff’s?

Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies’ bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um?

Fran: I’m gonna wait till after we order. It’s her, right.

Jamie: It looks like her.

(Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)

Jamie: Um, excuse me.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Jamie: Hi, it’s us.

Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and it’s me.

Jamie: So, so you’re here too?

Phoebe: Much as you are.

Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.

Fran: Err... we know what we want.

Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, that’s good.

Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.

Fran: And some biscottie cookies.

Phoebe: Good choice.

(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women won’t see the face she pulls, and sits down.)

Jamie: Definitely her.

Fran: Yeah.

Commercial break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]

(Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off the television.)

Monica: I can’t believe you. You still haven’t told that girl she doesn’t have a job yet?

Chandler: Well, you still haven’t taken down the Christmas lights.

Monica: Congratulations, I think you’ve found the world’s thinnest argument.

Chandler: I’m just trying to find the right moment, you know?

Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldn’t be so hard, now that you’re dating. (Imitating men at their worst) "Sweetheart, you’re fired, but how ’bout a quickie before I go to work?"

(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.)

Joey: Hey.

Rachel and Chandler: Hey.

(There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)

Chandler: You know, once you’re inside, you don’t have to knock any more.

Monica: I’ll get it.

(She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)

Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.

Mr.Heckles: You’re doing it again.

Monica: We’re not doing anything. We’re just sitting around talking, quietly.

Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can’t sleep.

Rachel: You don’t even have cats.

Mr.Heckles: I could have cats.

Monica: (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles.

Rachel: We’ll try to keep it down.

(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)

Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.

Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...

Joey: Oh, no no no. It’s for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.

Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the cardigan back into the bag) ..okay, it fits.

(The others have been taking all this in.)

Rachel: Are you seein’ her again tonight?

Joey: Yep. Ice Capades.

Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I’ve never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.

Joey: I don’t know. I like her, you know. She’s different. There’s uh, somethin’ about her.

Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting circle) we get it. You like her. Great!

(The circle freezes in apprehension.)

Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.

Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it’s not okay.

Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I’m not okay with it not being okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)

Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!

(Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling Chandler’s wool.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandler’s boss opens the door.]

Chandler: And that’s the Chrysler Building right there.

Mr. Douglas: Nina.

Nina: Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie.

(She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandler’s expression of alarm & guilt.)

Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Nina’s shapely departure) She’s still here.

Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didn’t I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.

(Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to remember anything to do with schizophrenia....)

Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.

Mr. Douglas: You’re kidding? She seems so...

Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all.

Mr. Douglas: That’s unbelievable.

Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.

Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know what’s goin’ on inside a person’s head.

Chandler: Well, I guess that’s why they call it psychology, sir.

(Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit what Bing has just said, but turning to follow Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling the truth, since he would not have any personal interest in the girl, would he?)

[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susan’s lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]

Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.

Teacher: Lights please? And that’s having a baby. Next week is our final class.

(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol’s doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)

Ross: Susan, go deep.

(Susan just glares back, as Ross’s inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)

Carol: This is impossible. It’s just impossible.

Susan: What is, honey?

Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin’ that. It’s just gonna have to stay in, that’s all, everything will be the same, it’ll just stay in.

Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything’s gonna be alright.

Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know?  No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril?  Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"

Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.

(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)

Susan: I know it’s frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it’s over, we’re all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.

(Ross is staring blankly into space.)

Susan: I mean, that’s what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?

[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]

Ross: I’m gonna be a father.

Rachel: This is just occurring to you?

Ross: I always knew I was havin’ a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.

Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you’re gonna be great!

Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can’t even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?

Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.

(Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.)

Phoebe: Where’re you going?

Joey: Out.

Phoebe: With?

Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes.

Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question?

(Joey nods his head.)

Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?

Joey: Well, not that it’s any of your business, but, no, we haven’t, okay?

(Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)

Joey: You meant sex, right?

(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend they’re not there.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]

Nina: Do you have a sec?

Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What’s up?

Nina: I don’t know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks.

Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that’s because they’re ah... jealous, of us.

Nina: Maybe. But that doesn’t explain why they keep taking my scissors.

Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that’s, ah, because you’re getting a big raise.

Nina: I am?

Chandler: Sure, why not?

Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) You’re amazing!

Chandler: Oh, you don’t know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder’s raise?

Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel?

Nina: What?

Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me?

(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]

Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything.

Rachel: Oh, how’d she take it?

Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if you’re ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.

Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.

(Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)

Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I can’t, I can’t watch.

Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, they’re gone.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Are you alright?

Phoebe: Yeah. It’s just, you know, it’s this whole stupid Ursula thing, it’s...

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he’s going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?

Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I’m not saying she’s like evil or anything. She just, you know, she’s always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn’t let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?

Monica and Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No.

Phoebe: Well, but that’s what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn’t even talk to me any more. Because he said he didn’t wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us.

Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.

Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...

Chandler: You’re not gonna lose him.

Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.

Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.

Ross: No, come on, he doesn’t know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.

Phoebe: But he’s falling in love with her.

Rachel: Oh please, they’ve been going out a week. They haven’t even slept together yet, I mean, that’s not serious.

Phoebe: Okay... Okay.

(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.

(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey’s apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey’s shirts.)

Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.

(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)

Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]

Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It’s freezing out here. Would you come back inside?

Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to reach the top of a pole) ..I’m takin’ ’em down. Okay? Whoa! (Screams.)

(Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..)

Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!

(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)

Rachel: (To Monica) I’m okay! I’m okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles's window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?

Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.

End

The One With Two Parts, Part 2

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly

With Minor Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart

Opening Credits

[Scene: An Emergency Room, Rachel and Monica enter.  Rachel is limping and leaning on Monica for support.]

Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

(They reach the desk. The bored nurse thinks she's heard it all before.)

Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.

Nurse: My god. You still have your Christmas lights up?

(Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a form attached to a clipboard.)

Nurse: Fill this out and bring it back to me.

(Monica helps Rachel over to a vacant seat.)

Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.

(Monica starts on the form, while Rachel catches her breath and massages her ankle.)

Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay, in case of emergency, call?

Rachel: You.

Monica: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, that is so sweet. (Touched, she puts an arm around her friend and kisses her.) Oh gosh, love you. Insurance?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that.

Monica: (No longer touched) you don't have insurance?

Rachel: Why, how much is this gonna cost?

Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.

Rachel: Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do?

Monica: Well there's not much we can do.

Rachel: (Like a big baby) Um... unless, unless I use yours.

Monica: Hah, no no no no no no no no no no.

Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?

Monica: (Looking around to check that no-one's listening, then lowering her voice anyway) That's insurance fraud.

Rachel: Well, alright, then, forget it. (Getting up to go) Might as well just go home. Ow ow ow ow!

Monica: (Jumping up to make Rachel sit down) Okay, okay. I hate this.

Rachel: Thank you. Thank you. I love you.

Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm gonna need a new set of (tiny laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).

Nurse: Why?

Monica: (Tiny laugh) I am really an idiot. (Tiny laugh) you see, I was filling out my friend's form, and instead of putting her information, (tiny laugh) I put mine.

Nurse: You are an idiot. (She hands over a blank form).

Monica: (Tiny laugh) yep, that's me, (tiny laugh) I am that stupid (tiny laugh).

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, has split up his newspaper so Joey can look at the funnies, while Ross's inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has come back to haunt him.]

Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

Chandler and Joey: That's nice.

Ross: No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the baby like a football.) I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.

Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.

Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!

Joey: He should take the sack?

Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.

Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.

Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

(Feeling a little better, Ross fetches more coffee.)

Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?

Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff.

Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.

Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?

Joey: When's that?

Ross: Tonight.

Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?

(Joey begins to contemplate his ill fortune.)

Ross: You take your time.

(Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit more, then realises.)

Chandler: There it is! So what're you gonna do?

Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.

Chandler: And your friend Phoebe?

Joey: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?

Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.

(Joey gestures to show that he wouldn't dare...)

[Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive.   They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]

Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.

(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)

Dr. Mitchell: Okay, errrr, Monica?

Monica: Yes? (jumping as Rachel punches her arm) ..yes, she is.

Rachel (as Monica): Hi, this is my friend Rachel.

Monica (as Rachel): Hi.

Dr. Mitchell: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.

Dr. Rosen: (Smiling even more and attempting to take over) And I'm his friend, Dr.Rosen.

(Monica and Rachel smile back prettily.)

Rachel: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?

Dr. Rosen: Excuse me?

Rachel: I meant er, (struggling to concentrate) young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach.

Monica (as Rachel): Thank you.

Rachel (as Monica): Right.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey is waiting for Phoebe to arrive for her surprise birthday party.  Rachel and Monica is telling Chandler about Rachel's incident.]

Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.

Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part.

Rachel: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said "yes."

Monica: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off the dates.

Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!

Chandler: Alright, what have we learned so far?

(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)

The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!

(Ross is so startled that he throws his arms up to defend himself. The box takes off, then lands with a squishy thud, its contents oozing out onto the floor. Ross is not pleased.)

Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.

Rachel: Was that the cake?

Ross: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.

Monica: Come on, she'll be here any minute.

(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the box on the coffee table.)

Rachel: I hope it's okay.

(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)

Monica: Oh...

Chandler: (Reading) "Happy Birthday Peehe."

Monica: Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out of one of those roses.

(Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.)

Ross: (Still annoyed) Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.

Phoebe: Hey, what's going on?

Ross: Oh, we just...

Phoebe's Friends: (Finally noticing the guest of honour) Surprise!

Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging people) This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room, (still happy) Where's Joey?

(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a witticism, but even he can't help...)

Chandler: Did you see Betty?

(Betty waggles her fingers to say "Hi", but Phoebe feels her birthday has been ruined by her twin.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross is having lunch with his father who is examining his next forkful.]

Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say "get out of my office!"

Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?

Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea andndash;

Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of... panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?

Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?

Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.

Mr. Geller: 'Cause there's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that?

Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a father?

Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.

(Ross is so moved by his father's charming story, that he stops eating.)

Mr. Geller: So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?

Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg.

Mr. Geller: Eat your fish.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]

Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.

Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, coming!

(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.)

Monica: Hi, come on in.

Dr. Mitchell: Hey.

Monica: Hi, Geoffrey.

Rachel: Hi.

Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine.

Dr. Mitchell: Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist?

Rachel: Oh, that's great. Look at that.

Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle?

Monica: It's uh...

(Rachel discreetly coughs to warn her.)

Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why don't you tell them? After all it, is your ankle.

Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay... (They don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to the living room) STAT!

(Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area, opening the wine bottle. Rachel checks that the doctors aren't listening, then lowers her voice anyway.)

Rachel: Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are? I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine.

Monica: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble.

Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss?

Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?

(Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)

Dr. Mitchell: So?

Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal.

Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are.

Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital... It turns into...

Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. (Baring his teeth to clean them with his finger) Go like this. (Dr. Rosen obeys.)

(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)

Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.

Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...

Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a princess...

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: What?

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: What!?

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: (getting angry) What!!?

Rachel: Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother.

(Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with glasses of wine for the cute doctors, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)

Rachel: Hello! Here we go!

Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived here?

Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago.

Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others) ..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar.

(Rachel tries to hide her alarm, but she squirms in her chair.)

Dr. Mitchell: Really?

Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don't you try the hummus?

Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do?

Rachel: (as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant uptown.

Dr. Rosen: Good for you.

Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do.

Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.

Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.

Monica: (as Rachel) (Suddenly laughing) Oh, god, I am so spoiled... That's it!

(The doctors don't know what to make of all this.)

Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?

Monica: (as Rachel) I used to wet my bed.

Rachel: (as Monica) I use my breasts to get other people's attention.

Monica: (as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to point at her best friend) We both do that!

(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)

Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second... (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.

Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. (Getting up to move further away from Rachel) li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um... there's something that I've been meaning to tell you...

(Monica glares triumphantly across the room, scaring Rachel who also stands up.)

Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?

Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.

(Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally not knowing which way to turn. Finally, she escapes into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philosophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the good old days at the pagan altar.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.]

Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...dead!

(Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until she's distracted by Marcel as he clambers all over her nice furniture.)

Monica: Ross, he's got the remote again.

Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch it back.

(Marcel changes channel to Bugs Bunny, who is speaking in Spanish.)

Ross: Maybe not.

(Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another call, from a nurse she'd hoped never to hear from again.)

Rachel: Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her fingers at Ross who takes the remote from Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here.

(All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the receiver out as she limps quickly over to her friend, who stands up in concern.)

Rachel: It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. She says there's a problem with the form. Oh, god, oh god...

Rachel and Monica: Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do?

Monica: I don't know! Why don't you just explain? What do they want? Find out what they want!

Rachel: Okay (desperately hands the receiver over) no, you do it.

Monica: (taking the phone) Hello, this is Monica... Yeah??? Oh... (Smiles at Rachel to reassure her) Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.(Listens) Thank you. (Hangs up)

Rachel: What?

Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.

Rachel: Ohhh... (slumping in relief) Okay, you were right. You were right! This was just not worth it.

Monica: Thank you.

Rachel: Okay, let me just change.

Monica: Yes.

(Rachel goes to her room.)

Joey: (entering quietly) Hey.

Ross and Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Trouble?

Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.

Phoebe: Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you?

Ross: Well did you try calling her?

Joey: I've been trying for two days. When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off.

(Phoebe wants to be angry with Joey, but as she watches him shaking his head in pain and disbelief, she knows that it isn't his fault.)

[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]

Phoebe: Hey.

(Ursula turns in surprise.)

Ursula: Oh!

Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute?

Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.

(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)

Phoebe: So.

Ursula: Uh-huh.

(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)

Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.

(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)

Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!

(She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe smiles at being able to make her point.)

Phoebe: Right, like the kind you...

Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.

(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)

Phoebe: How'd you know I was coming?

Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.

(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)

Phoebe: I can't believe you did this.

(Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar inside.)

Phoebe: I can't believe you... (holding up Joey's cardigan) ..did this.

(Phoebe's smile hardens as she packs the cardigan away.)

Phoebe: So... What's the deal with umm, you and Joey?

Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.

(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)

Phoebe: Does he know?

Ursula: Who?

Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you.

Ursula: He is? Why?

Phoebe: You got me.

Ursula: Right.

(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)

Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?

(The man gives up, shaking his head.)

Phoebe: So, um, are you gonna call him?

Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?

Phoebe: No, Joey.

Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?

Phoebe: No. No food with a face.

Ursula: You have not changed!

(Ursula's eyes dance as she laughs and smiles, simply glad to be back with her sister.)

Phoebe: Yeah, you too.

(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room. The officious admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile, while Monica struggles to smile at all.]

Rachel: (as Monica) Hi, remember us?

Nurse: (Grimacing) Mmm hmmm.

Monica: (as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on the admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you see, I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh) 'cause um...

Nurse: You're that stupid.

Monica: (as Rachel) I am. I'm that stupid. (Little laugh.)

Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.

Nurse: Well, you know your insurance will cover that.

Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring her friend) ..I'm I'm just not that bright either.

(The girls escape with a new form.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is neglecting the game of Scrabble, for he's busily drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to help Ross. Marcel chitters about.]

Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.

Ross: Uh-huh.

Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.

Ross: Do you have a point?

Chandler: You know, you think I would.

(Instead of scampering, Marcel stretches his neck as much as possible, and makes an unvoiced noise from his throat.)

Chandler: What's up with the simian?

Ross: It's just a fur ball.

Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?

Ross: Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'.

Chandler: No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'.

Ross: I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?

(The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross and Chandler look at the monkey, who is now in some distress.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, who is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.]

Ross: You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'!

(Hearing her brother's voice, Monica gets up to stand behind Chandler, followed by Rachel.)

Nurse: (angrily) You go get that animal outta here.

Ross: No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is way across town he's choking I don't know what else to do.

Monica: What's goin' on?

(Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...)

Chandler: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.

Rachel: Oh.

(..then turn back to the desk when the surprise hits them, and Ross and Chandler whip around once more. Monica and Rachel recoil slightly.)

Nurse: Excuse me... This hospital is for people!

Ross: Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy! He he touches himself when nobody's watching. Please, please have a heart!

(Ross's vigorous protest is attracting attention.)

Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him.

(Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around for a second time, in formation.)

Rachel and Monica: Oh, thank you.

Monica: Michael.

Dr. Mitchell: Rachel.

Rachel: What?

Monica: (as Rachel) Monica.

Rachel: (as Monica) Oh.

Monica: (as Rachel) Hi.

Rachel: (as Monica) Hi.

(Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but Rachel sadly looks away...)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is playing "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not" with the petals of a flower, alternately looking hopeful and annoyed. Phoebe enters, but not as herself, for she has changed the style of her hair and make-up to match that of her twin sister. She hangs up her coat, revealing her new cardigan. Nervously, she smooths out the identifying garment, approaching Joey who sits next to the main sofa.]

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.

Joey: Urse...

(Phoebe nods as he stands up in delight.)

Joey: ..ah, what're you doing here? I've been trying to call you.

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...

Joey: No, no, no, don't say "listen." I know that "listen." I've said that "listen."

Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.

Joey: I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge?

(Phoebe is almost thrown by this.)

Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!

Joey: You don't drink.

Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!

Joey: Oh, Urse... (He tries to take her in his arms, but she fends him off.)

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.

Joey: Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe?

Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?

Joey: (Thinking carefully) no. No, I, I couldn't do that.

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.

Joey: Then, uh, then I'm sorry.

(He sinks to the sofa, saddened by Ursula's ultimatum, while Phoebe follows, touched by Joey's good heart.)

Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.

Joey: I know...

(He looks up at her face and Phoebe, slipping out of character, smiles back at him. Joey's voice becomes soft and warm.)

Joey: I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or... what, but you have never looked so beautiful.

Phoebe: Really?

(Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in his hands and kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but stops suddenly. Phoebe silently shouts "Oh, whoa!!" to herself, and leans back in the sofa to recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A thoughtful Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a moment, then returns for a better view, he thinks again, cocking his head from side to side to regard her profile from various angles, then...)

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (Automatically) Yeah. Oooh... (she's sprung.)

[Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table while recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.]

Ross: He looks so tiny.

(The door bursts open, and Joey and Phoebe rush in.)

Joey: We just got the message.

Phoebe: Is he alright?

Ross: Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also found an 'M' and an 'O'.

Chandler: We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.'

(Ross does not approve of Chandler's daft theory.)

Ross: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now.

Chandler: (Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel like a dad yet?

Ross: No, why?

Chandler: Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.

(Ross does approve of this, but he's still not sure. The tiny figure stirs.)

Monica: Oh, look, he's waking up!

Ross: (Quietly) hey, fella! How you doing?

(All of a sudden, Marcel grabs Ross's finger with his whole fist, and he squeezes it, so tight, that Ross finally knows what it is to be a father. He looks up at his friends, who smile encouragingly, Rachel tenderly resting her chin upon Monica's shoulder. Ross realises that Chandler was right and he's gonna make a great dad!)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is there.  Rachel is looking out of the window and Ross is handing out some Chinese takeout.  There's a small SAP in the corner of the screen.]

Ross: Aqui está. (Here it is!)

Monica: żA quién pidio el pollo General Tso? (Who ordered General Sal's chicken?)

Chandler: ĄPudo aver sido General Tso! (It could've been General Sal!)

(Rachel points out of the window.)

Rachel: ĄMira, mira, el viejo desnudo está haciendo el hula hoop! (Look, look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing the hula!)

(The others rush to the window for a look.)

All:ĄEwww! (Ewww!)

(Joey enters, happy again.)

All: ĄHola, Joey! (Hi, Joey!)

Joey: ĄHola, amigos! (Hey, everybody!)

(Marcel grabs the remote.)

Monica: Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control remoto. (Look, Ross, Marcel's got the remote.)

Ross: ĄLo que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele! (The thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)

(Everybody laughs.)

End

The One With All The Poker

Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. .

Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein

(The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out resumes while whistling the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai.)

Ross: Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here.

Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?

Chandler: Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for.

Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, OK? I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm sick of being called 'Excuse me...'

Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?

Rachel: Uh... yeah, why?

Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills.

Rachel: (upset) Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?

Joey: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are sitting at a table. Rachel is working. Monica and Phoebe enter.]

Monica: Hey, guys.

Chandler and Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you anything? (to Monica, quietly): Did you bring the mail?

Monica: Lots of responses.

Rachel: (to Monica): Really? (out loud): Sure, we have scones left! (to Monica): OK, read them to me.

Phoebe: (reading): Dear Ms. Green, thank you for your inquiry, however... oh... (crumples up letter)

Rachel: (out loud): We have apple cinnamon...

Monica: (reading): OK... Dear Ms. Green... yeah... yeah... yeah... No. (crumpes up letter)

Phoebe: Wow!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: (reading): Your Visa bill is huge!

Rachel: (grabs the bill) Give me that!

(Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)

Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?

Ross: I don't know.

Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing?

Ross: No, it's not just that. It's just—I want someone who... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh... (begins to stare lovingly at Rachel)

Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn?

Ross: What?

Chandler: Could you want her more?

Ross: Who?

Chandler: (sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening.

Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just... (Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on table): Hiiii!

Rachel: Hi! How are you?

Ross: We're fine, we're fine.

Rachel: OK. (walks away)

(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)

Joey: Shut up!

Chandler: We're not—we're not saying anything.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: Uhhhh... Joey cried last night.

Joey: Thank you.

Chandler: (to the girls) We were playing poker, alright...

Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked like an eight, alright?

Ross: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep.'

Chandler: And then he did.

Rachel: Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?

Phoebe: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play?

Ross: No, women are welcome to play.

Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y'know, like... alright, what is it?

Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our games.

Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.

Girls: Oh, yeah, right.

Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse!

Rachel: Really.

Monica: I mean, that's a typical guy response.

Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?

Girls: No.

Rachel: But you could teach us.

Guys: No.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the guys are teaching the girls how to play poker.]

Chandler: (teaching) OK, so now we draw cards.

Monica: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I have a straight.

Rachel: Oh, good for you!

Phoebe: Congratulations!

(Microwave timer goes off. Monica gets up.)

Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want?

Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.

Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can't—you can't do...

Rachel: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! (gives it to Phoebe)

Ross: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that.

Rachel: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that's OK, I don't need them. I'm going for fours.

Ross: Oh, you're... (gives up)

(Monica comes back to the table with plates of food.)

Monica: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites.

Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo!

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz...(look of realization)

Chandler: (changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer...

Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks...

Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy...

Phoebe: But... I'm ready, so, just deal.

Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright babe, deal the cards.

(Time lapse.)

Monica: (throws down her cards) Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Phoebe: (to Joey): Oh I see, so then, you were lying.

Joey: About what?

Phoebe: About how good your cards were.

Joey: Heh... I was bluffing.

Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying?

Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've got resumes to fax before work tomorrow... (gets up to leave)

Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.

Rachel: Settle what?

Chandler: The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so...

Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game.

Rachel: Oh. Right.

Joey: You know what, you guys? It's their first time, why don't we just forget about the money, alright?

Monica: Hell no, we'll pay!

Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready.

Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch.

Ross: Well that's fine with me. Could use the money.

Rachel: (to Ross): So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends.

Ross: (pause)...Yeah.

Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.

Ross: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to be a 'nice guy,' OK? Cause once those cards are dealt... (claps hands three times)

Joey: (pause)...Yeah?

Ross: I'm not a nice guy.

[Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler and Joey are there. Ross enters with a pizza.]

Ross: Alright boys, let's eat.

Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria?

Ross: You still on that?

Chandler: Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? (mimicking): "When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!"

Ross: You are way off, pal.

Joey: No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think you love her.

Ross: Um.... no. See, I might've had feelings for her at one time—not any more. I just—I...

(Marcel makes a screeching noise in background.)

Ross: Marcel! Where are you going with that disc?

(Marcel puts a CD in the player.)

Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK—if you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.

(The Lion Sleeps Tonight starts to play. Marcel starts to dance.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are there.]

Rachel: (opening mail) Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?

Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.

Phoebe: Ha. Ha, ha.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black.

Monica: Please! I am not as bad as Ross.

Rachel: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident?

Monica: That was not an incident! I-I was gesturing, a-and the plate slipped out of my hand.

Rachel: Oooooh. (reads letter) (surprised): Oh! I got an interview! I got an interview!

Monica: You're kidding! Where? Where?

Rachel: (in disbelief): Sak's... Fifth... Avenue.

Monica: Oh, Rachel!

Phoebe: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.

Monica: Well, what's the job?

Rachel: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping... for a living!

(Knock on door.)

Monica: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has been playing poker since she was five. You gotta listen to every word she says. (opens door) Hi!

Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead?

Rachel: No.

Monica: I don't think so.

Rachel: Why?

Aunt Iris: Well, he may be now, because I think I hit him with my car.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Oh my God!

Monica: Really?

Aunt Iris: No! That's bluffing. Lesson number one. (walks into kitchen) Let me tell you something... everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap. (to Phoebe): Nice earrings.

Phoebe: Thank y... (thinks about it)

Aunt Iris: Girls, sit down.

Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel...

Aunt Iris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked at a meter. Let's do it.

[Scene: Ross's apartment, everyone but Rachel is seated around his table. The Lion Sleep Tonight plays in the background.]

Phoebe: Ross, could we please, please, please listen to anything else?

Ross: Alright.

(Ross shuts off the CD player. Marcel runs into the bedroom and slams the door.)

Ross: I'm gonna pay for that tonight.

(Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!

Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?

Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, and—oh, I went to camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well!

All: That's great! That's wonderful!

Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story...

Monica: OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's play poker.

Joey: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you don't want to play, we completely understand.

Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary?

(The guys all duck under the table.)

Monica: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we'd like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies?

Phoebe and Rachel: Yes, we should. I think we should.

Ross: Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?

Rachel: No, no, thats OK. Y'know, I think I'm gonna give it a go.

Ross: Alright.

Rachel: Alright... (shuffles cards expertly, all the guys stare in amazement)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]

Ross: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones.

Joey: But hey, thanks for teachin' us Cross-Eyed Mary. You guys, we gotta play that at our regular game.

Phoebe: Alright, here's my $7.50. (Hands them the money) But I think you should know that this money is cursed.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it.

Chandler: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em up with a movie.

Ross: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen...

Rachel: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women. (hands over her money)

Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.

Rachel: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there ready for another poker game.]

Ross: So, you gals wanna hand over your money now? That way, we don't have to go through the formality of actually playing.

Rachel: Ooooh, that's fine. We'll see who has the last laugh there, monkey boy.

Monica: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we ready to play some serious poker?

Phoebe: (holding a card and waving it in front of her face) Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack follows me wherever I go. (they look at her) Right, OK, serious poker.

(Ross gets up from the table.)

Monica: Excuse me, where are you going?

Ross: Uh... to the bathroom.

Monica: Do you want to go to the bathroom, or do you wanna play poker?

Ross: I want to go to the bathroom. (exits)

Joey: Alright, well, I'm gonna order a pizza. (gets up)

Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I'm still waiting to hear from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat then.

Joey: That's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me over.

Monica: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante. (deals cards)

Phoebe: (looks at her cards) Yes! (everyone looks at her) .... or no.

(Ross comes back from bathroom.)

Ross: Alright. (to Rachel): Your money's mine, Green.

Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. (he checks it, and zips up)

(Time lapse.)

Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?

Chandler: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!

Joey: Uh... Phoebe? Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah. Um... I'm out. (throws in cards)

Rachel: I'm in.

Monica: Me too.

Joey: Me too. Alright, whattaya got.

Ross: Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause... I gotta flush. (lays down cards)

Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, cause I got four sixes! (lays down cards) I won! I actually won! Oh my God! Y'know what? (collects chips) I think I'm gonna make a little Ross pile. (holds up a chip) I think that one was Ross's, and I think—oh—that one was Ross's. Yes! (Starts singing): Well, I have got your money, and you'll never see it...

(Ross stands up.)

Rachel: And your fly's still open...

(Ross looks down.)

Rachel: Ha, I made you look....

(Time lapse.)

Rachel: I couldn't be inner. Monica?

Phoebe: Monica, in or out?

Monica: (slams down cards) I hate this game!

(Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards Chandler, who hides it under the table.)

Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet.

Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (the girls look at him, confused) Oh, I'm out.

Phoebe: Ross?

Ross: Oh, I am very in.

Phoebe: Chandler?

Chandler: Couldn't be more out. (throws in cards)

Phoebe: Me too. Rachel.

Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. (throws chips in pot) What do you say... want to waste another buck?

Ross: No, not this time. (he folds) So... what'd you have?

Rachel: I'm not telling. (collects chips)

Ross: Come on, show them to me. (reaches for her cards, Rachel covers them up)

Rachel: No..!

Ross: Show them to me!

Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!

Ross: Let me see! Show them!

Chandler: Y'know, I've had dates like this.

Rachel: (deals new hand) Boy, you really can't stand to lose, can you? Your whole face is getting red... little veins popping out on your temple...

Phoebe: Plus that shirt doesn't really match those pants.

(Ross is visibly upset.)

Ross: First of all, I'm not losing...

Rachel: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing. (phone rings)

Ross: Let's not talk about losing. Just deal the...

Rachel: (answering phone) Hel-lo, Rachel Green.

Ross: (mimicking Rachel) Mee mee, mee-mee mee.

Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me. (covers up phone; to Ross) It's about the job.

(Rachel walks into kitchen to talk on the phone.)

Rachel: Barbara! Hi, how are you? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) No, I understand. Yeah. Oh, oh, come on, no, I'm fine. Don't be silly. Yeah... oh, but you know, if-if anything else opens up, plea—Hello? Hello? (hangs up phone, very depressed)

(Rachel goes back and sits down. The rest don't know what to say.)

Monica: Sorry, Rach.

Phoebe: Y'know, there's gonna be lots of other stuff.

Rachel: Yeah...(sigh)....OK. Where were we? Oh, OK... five card draw, uh... jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante.

Joey: Look, Rachel, we don't have to do this.

Rachel: Yes, we do. (pause)

Monica: Alright, check.

Joey: Check.

Ross: I'm in for fifty cents. (throws it in)

Chandler: Call.

Phoebe: I'm in.

Rachel: I see your fifty cents... and I raise you... five dollars. (throws it in)

Ross: I thought, uh... it was a fifty cent limit.

Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that?

(Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross, who thinks about it.)

Rachel: (to Ross): Loser?

(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)

Ross: No, I fold. (lays cards down, and gets up)

Rachel: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that 'once the cards were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what, were you just full of it?

(Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks up his cards.)

Ross: I'm in. (throws in chips)

Rachel: How many you want?

Ross: One. (Rachel gives him the card.)

Rachel: Dealer takes two. (she deals herself two cards) What do you bet?

Ross: I bet two dollars. (throws it in)

Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty. (throws it in)

Ross: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five. (throws it in)

(The other four look amazed at the large pot.)

Rachel: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get my purse.

(Monica gets up, looks in Rachel's purse.)

Monica: Rachel, there's nothing in it.

Rachel: OK, then get me your purse.

(Monica gets Rachel her purse.)

Monica: OK, here you go. Good luck.

Rachel: (to Monica): Thank you. (to Ross): I saw your twenty-five, and I raise you... seven.

Phoebe: ...teen! (throws in a ten-dollar bill)

(Ross looks in his wallet, pulls out two dollars.)

Ross: (to Joey): Joey, I'm a little shy.

Joey: That's OK, Ross, you can ask me. What?

(Ross looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his stupidity.)

Chandler: (to Ross): What do you need, what do you need?

Ross: Fifteen.

Chandler: Alright, here's ten. (gives it to him)

Joey: Here, I got five, I got five. (Ross takes the money)

Ross: Thank you.

Chandler: Good luck.

Ross: (to Rachel): OK, I am calling your seventeen. What do you got?

(Long pause as they both look at each other.)

Rachel: (lays down cards) Full house.

(Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts cards on table, face down.)

Ross: You got me.

(Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating in the kitchen, pouring wine and singing. Rachel, shocked, goes to join them.)

Joey: (to Ross): Ahhh, that's alright. Y'know, that's a tough hand to beat.

Chandler: (to Ross): I thought we had them!

Ross: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards, you know. (looks at Rachel) But, uh... look how happy she is. (smiles)

(Chandler and Joey look at her, and then look back at him. They dive for Ross's hand to see what he had, and he tries to stop them from looking.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, all six are playing Pictionary at Monica's apartment. Monica is drawing a picture, and the three guys are guessing. She draws what looks like an airplane.]

Chandler: Airplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport '79!

(Timer goes off.)

Rachel: Oh, time's up.

Monica: (pointing at the drawing, upset) Bye... bye... BIRDIE.

Joey: Oh!

Phoebe: That's a bird?

(Monica glares at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: That's a bird!

(Monica sits, Rachel gets up.)

Rachel: OK, OK, it's my turn. (reads the answer)

Chandler: Go.

(Rachel starts drawing what looks like a bean.)

Ross: Uh.... bean! Bean!

(Rachel begins tapping the picture of the bean frantically.)

Joey: (triumphantly) The Unbearable Likeness of Being!

Rachel: Yes!

Monica: That, you get? That, you get?

(Monica picks up a glass to take a drink, everyone ducks as though she was about to throw it.)

End

The One Where the Monkey Gets Away

Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz

Transcribed by: guineapig

{Transcriber's Note: The credits list two characters, Tia and Samantha, who I assume are the sweaty women Joey and Chandler meet. However, I don't know which is which, so I've simply called them Woman #1 and Woman #2.}

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is talking to a customer.]

Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon Soother. You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? (Guy shakes his head) Okay.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica enters with some mail.]

Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.

Rachel: Thank you. (Examines it) Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!

Monica: Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?

Rachel: Oh. Right. ...Oh great.

Monica: What is it?

Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for 'inspiration.' Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy!

Monica: Barry who you almost...?

Rachel: Barry who I almost.

Monica: And Mindy, your maid of...?

Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh!

Monica: (Takes it) That's Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. (Sees Rachel's look) Lucky. To have had a friend like you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are eating Chinese.]

Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Good boy. Good boy. C'mere, gimme the rice. (Marcel brings the rice) Thank you, good boy. Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the'. (Rachel ignores him) 'Bring me the' and- Rach?

Rachel: What?

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I'm happy for them.

Ross: Really.

Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- with somebody.

Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, penis embargo?

Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess it's not about no guys, it's about the right guy, y'know? I mean, with Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there was no heat. With Paolo, that's all there was, was heat! And it was just this raw, animal, sexual...

Ross: Wait-wait. I, I got it. I was there.

Rachel: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both? Y'know? Someone who's like, who's like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl?

Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's funny, very often, someone who you wouldn't think could-could curl your toes, might just be the one who...

(Enter the other four)

Monica: Hi.

Ross: ...Gets interrupted. Hi!

Rachel: Hi, how was the movie?

Monica: Wonderful!

Phoebe: So good!

Joey: Suck-fest.

Chandler: Toootal chick-flick.

Phoebe: I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like, y'know, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast...

Joey: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there's a little nudity.

Monica: There was nudity!

Joey: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.

Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant!

Ross: Alright, I've gotta go. C'mon, Marcel! C'mon! We're gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren't we? Yes, we are.

Chandler: They're still just friends, right?

Rachel: (To Marcel) And I will see you tomorrow!

Ross: That's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you.

Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?

Ross: 'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be there.

[Scene: Joe-G's Pizza, the guys are there.]

Chandler: I can't believe we are even having this discussion.

Joey: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.

Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already?

Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me.

Joey: She really said that?

Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.

Joey: 'Tonight' tonight?

Ross: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey...

Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.

Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.

Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is taking care of Marcel and they are watching a soap opera.]

Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. Okay- (Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal a shoe) Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to pl- whoah. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? (Takes the shoe into the kitchen) Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! (She notices the newsletter and taps the contents of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut) Sorry, Barry. Little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. (She leaves the apartment holding the newsletter at arm's length. However, she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out in the opposite direction. There is a shot from the TV and Rachel runs back in) Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Oh, c'mon, roll him over! Oh...! Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right Marcel? Because- (Looks down and notices he is missing) Marcel? Marc- (Notices the open door)

[Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is back at Monica and Rachel's.]

Joey: How could you lose him?

Rachel: I don't know. We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe-

Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one?

Rachel: I don't know. The left one.

Monica: Which ones?

Rachel: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.

Phoebe: (Entering) Hey.

All: Hi.

Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative?

Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel.

Phoebe: Oh no, how?

Monica: He- he pooped in my shoe.

Phoebe: Which one?

Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.

Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause the left one is lucky...

Rachel: C'mon, you guys, what're we gonna do, what're we gonna do?

Joey: Alright alright. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?

Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.

Rachel: Oh, my, God, c'mon, you guys! He's gonna be home any minute! He's gonna kill me!

Monica: Okay, we'll start with the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I'll take third and fourth.

Rachel: Well, what'm I gonna do? What'm I gonna do?

Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.

(They all leave)

Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh...

[Cut to a hallway in the building, Monica and Phoebe are knocking on a door. Mr. Heckles emerges.]

Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want?

Monica: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it?

Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did you take it?

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?

Mr. Heckles: I wasn't ready for it.

Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey?

Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once...

Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. (They move off)

Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle.

[Cut to Monica and Rachel's.]

Rachel: (On the phone) Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchian monkey with a white face... (Enter Ross) ...with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks.

Ross: Hey. How did, uh, how'd it go today?

Rachel: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey, is that wine?

Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want some?

Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y'know what? Y'know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark?

Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but before we head off to the murder capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to run something by you. Y'know how we were, uh, y'know, talking before about, uh, relationships and stuff? (Uncorks the wine) Well-

Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this.

Ross: Okay, quick and painful. (Starts to cork the wine)

Rachel: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, please don't hate me.

Ross: Oh, what? What-what?

Rachel: Y'know Marcel?

Ross: ...Yeah?

Rachel: Well, I kind of... I kind of lost him.

[Cut to outside the window, with Ross reacting with disbelief. The shot pans back until we see Marcel sitting on the window ledge.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Ross: (Angry) I- I- I ca- I can't believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment.

Rachel: I know, I know, I'm sorry-

Ross: No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should've started you off with like a pen or a pencil.

Rachel: (Tearfully) Ross, I'm doing everything that I can, I've got everybody looking for him, and I- (Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it) Oh! Who is it?

Intercom: Animal Control.

Rachel: See? I've even called Animal Control!

Ross: You called Animal Control?

Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them?

Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away from me.

Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever told us that...

Ross: That's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you were gonna invite them to the apartment!

(A knock on the door. Rachel swiftly opens it)

Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming.

Luisa: (Animal Control) Somebody called about a monkey?

Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her and they act all sweetness and light)

Ross: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but we-we didn't.

Rachel: Turned out it was a hat.

Ross: Cat!

Rachel: Cat! What'm I saying? Cat!

(Luisa nods, but then Monica and Phoebe run in)

Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one's seen Marcel.

Luisa: Marcel?

Ross: My uncle Marcel.

Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?

Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?

Phoebe: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little creature in jail?

Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?

Phoebe: Yes, but there isn't always time!

Monica: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this! Um, have a seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced, I'm Monica Geller.

Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you're Rachel Green!

Rachel: Yeah!

Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in home room!

Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa!

Monica: The Luisa from home room!

Rachel: Yes!!

Luisa: You have no idea who I am, do you.

Monica: No, none at all.

Rachel: None.

Luisa: Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean, would it have been so hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or 'Nice overalls'?

Monica: Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry!

Luisa: Ah, it's not so much you, you were fat, you had your own problems. (To Rachel) But you? What a bitch!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats?

Luisa: I could... but I won't. If I find that monkey, he's mine. (Leaves)

Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry.

[Cut to another part of the building. We see Marcel jump in through a window and run down some stairs, then Chandler and Joey come down from the upper floor without noticing.]

Chandler: Marcel?

Joey: Marcel?

Chandler: Marcel?

Joey: Marcel?

(They come to a door and silently agree to try it. A very sweaty woman emerges)

Woman No. 1: Hi, can I help you?

(Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a moment)

Chandler: Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for something...

Joey: A monkey.

Chandler: Yes have you seen any?

Woman No. 1: No. No, haven't seen a monkey. Do you know anything about fixing radiators?

Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?

Woman No. 1: Of course.

Joey: Oh. Then, no.

(Another sweaty woman comes to the door and speaks to her friend)

Woman No. 2: Did I put too much rum in here?

(Joey and Chandler shoot each other glances)

Woman No. 1: Just a sec. (To Chandler and Joey) Hope you find your monkey. (She starts to shut the door)

Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu.

Joey: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of something here?

Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're very hot.

Joey: We can't, alright? (To the women) We're sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but... We promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out.

(The women quickly shut the door)

Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people.

Joey: Marcel?

Chandler: Marcel?!

[Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching the basement.]

Phoebe: Marcel?

Monica: Marcel?

Phoebe: Marcel?

Both: Marcel?

Phoebe: Oh-my-God!

Monica: Whaaat!

Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my right leg!

Monica: What is it?

Phoebe: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg.

(Marcel makes a monkeyish noise. He is sitting in the corner)

Monica: Look, Phoebe!

Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere!

(Luisa appears on the stairs)

Luisa: Step aside, ladies! (She loads a gun)

Monica: What're you gonna do?

Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser.

(In slow motion we see Phoebe look at Marcel, then at Luisa. She jumps toward Marcel just as Luisa fires the gun.)

Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! (Marcel runs off and Luisa runs after him. Monica goes to check up on Phoebe) Are you okay?

Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! (She notices the tranquiliser dart has hit her in the butt and removes it) Huh. (Sways back) Whoah.

Monica: Oh gosh.

[Cut to Marcel walking along a hallway. He notices a banana on the floor and picks it up. The hand of an unseen person grabs him and carries him away. Then cut to Ross and Rachel on the street outside.]

Ross: Marcel?

Rachel: Marcel?

Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all over the neighbourhood. He's gone, he's-he's just gone.

Rachel: Ross, you don't know that.

Ross: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know the Village. (Kicks a sign in frustration) And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank you very much.

Rachel: Ross, I said I'm sorry like a million times. What do you want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? Okay, I'm gonna break my foot, right here. (Kicks the sign) Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, are you happy now?!

Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, now that you kicked the sign, hey! I don't miss Marcel any more!

Rachel: Y'know, it is not like I did this on purpose.

Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people's feelings...

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: I don't even wanna hear it, you're just...

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: Oh, forget it, okay?

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: What? What?

(A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them. They stare for a minute and then hobble after him)

Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman!

(Scene 4: Everyone in the hall outside Mr. Heckles' door. Ross is carrying the box of bananas. He bangs on the door)

Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea.

(Mr. Heckles opens the door)

Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas?

Mr. Heckles: What about it?

Ross: Gimme back my monkey.

Mr. Heckles: I don't have a monkey.

Rachel: Then what's with all the bananas?

Mr. Heckles: Potassium.

(There is a monkey-like noise from within and Ross pushes past Mr. Heckles and enters his apartment)

Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?

(Marcel jumps into view wearing a pink dress. Everybody gasps)

Ross: Marcel! What've you done to him?

Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. That's Patti, Patti the monkey.

Ross: Are you insane? C'mere, Marcel, c'mon. (Marcel starts to go to him)

Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Marcel turns round)

Ross: C'mere, Marcel. (Turns to Ross)

Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Turns to Mr. Heckles)

Luisa: (Out of shot) Here, monkey. Here, monkey! Here, monkey! (Marcel runs to the door and into Luisa's cage, which she slams shut) Gotcha.

Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back.

Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey.

Luisa: You're both gonna have to take this up with the judge.

Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you can send that back whenever.

Ross: Alright, I want my monkey.

Luisa: No!

Rachel: Oh, c'mon, Luisa!

Luisa: Sorry, prom queen.

Ross: (To Rachel) You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't've been fat.

Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you... were also there! But if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. C'mon, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it!

Luisa: Nope.

Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, and I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross are there. Ross is trying to get the dress off Marcel.]

Ross: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it will. (Marcel resists) Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine.

Rachel: Y'know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit.

Ross: Listen, I'm- I'm sorry I was so hard on you before, it's just I...

Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon. It's my fault, I almost lost your...

Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, y'know? You, you were great. ...Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape?

Rachel: That'd be good.

Ross: Alright. (He goes to get the glasses. Then he hesitates and turns off the main light. Rachel looks round and he acts surprised) The, uh, the neighbours must be vacuuming. (He sits down and starts to pour the wine) Well, so long as we're here and, uh, not on the subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before, and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we, um...

(Barry bursts in)

Barry: Rachel.

Rachel: Barry?!

Barry: I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you.

Ross and Rachel: Oh!

Ross: We have got to start locking that door!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler are looking through Monica's high school yearbook]

Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids?

Phoebe: Nope.

Monica: That's because I'm in front of them.

Chandler: Eh. I thought that was an alp.

Monica: Well, high school was not my favourite time.

Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y'know? It was just four years of parties and dating and sex.

Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.

Monica: Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago?

Phoebe: Oh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! (She stands up and starts to dance around) Ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oooh! Ooh!

End

The One With the Evil Orthodontist

Written by: Doty Abrams

Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.]

Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty.

Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is.

Ross: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're craaazy.

Monica: (looking out of the window) Oh my God. You guys! You gotta come see this! There's some creep out there with a telescope!

Ross: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us!

Rachel: Oh, that is so sick.

Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way.

Phoebe: How can people do that?... (All but Phoebe walk away from the window in disgust.) Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]

Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games...

Monica: So have you called her yet?

Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (The girls make disgusted noises.) It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? (To the guys) I'm right, right?

Joey and Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.

Monica: I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people.

Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! (Grabbing the phone.) Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!

Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (Calls her, then hurriedly hangs up.) I got her machine.

Joey: Her answer machine?

Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.

Phoebe: So, uh, why didn't you say anything?

Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase "Yes indeedy-o."

Monica: Look look! It's Rachel and Barry. No, don't everybody look at once!

Ross: Okay, okay, what's going on?

Phoebe: Okay, they're just talking...

Ross: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like he was just told to shove anything?

Phoebe: No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh my God, don't do that!!

Ross: What? What? What?!

Phoebe: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! (Rachel enters.) Oh!

Chandler: (bluffing) And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law.

All: Oh!... Right!

Chandler: Hey Rach!

Monica: How'd it go?

Rachel: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know you poke it and all the butter squirts out...

Phoebe: Not a good day for birds...

Rachel: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's, and I told him not to, but he got me a little bottle of Chanel...

Ross: That's nice... now, was that before or after you told him to stop calling, stop sending you flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm?

Rachel: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to that... Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was just nice!

Ross: That's, that's nice twice!

Monica: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't this the same Barry who you left at the altar?

Joey: Duh, where've you been?

Rachel: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he wasn't, like, Orthodontist Guy, y'know? I mean, we had fun! Is there anything wrong with that?

(Ross 'prompts' Chandler by hitting him on the arm.)

Chandler: Yes!

Rachel: Why?

Chandler: I have my reasons.

Monica: Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged to another woman, who just happens to be your ex-best friend?

Rachel: All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, I know it's stupid! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to it!

[Scene: Barry's Office, the post-coital Barry and Rachel are recovering on the chair.]

Rachel: Wow... Wow!

Barry: Yeah.

Rachel: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that.

Barry: Nooo, it wasn't.

Rachel: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little sink here...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there except Rachel.]

Chandler: (on phone, reading from a script) Oh, Danielle! I wasn't expecting the machine... Give me a call when you get a chance. (Rattles some dishes) Bye-bye. (Hangs up.) Oh God!

Monica: That's what you've been working on for the past two hours?!

Chandler: Hey, I've been honing!

Ross: What was with the dishes?

Chandler: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y'know? I might have some kind of life, like I haven't been sitting around here honing for the past few hours.

Monica: (looking out the window) Look look! He's doing it again, the guy with the telescope!

Phoebe: Oh my God! (Walks to the window) Go away! (Gesturing.) Stop looking in here!

Monica: Great, now he's waving back.

Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can't do stuff!

Monica: What kinda stuff?

Joey: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I'm cooking naked.

Phoebe: You cook naked?

Joey: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.

(A pause as they look at Chandler.)

Chandler: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.

[Scene: Barry's Office, Rachel and Barry are getting dressed.]

Barry: What's the matter?

Rachel: Oh, it's just... Oh, Barry, this was not good.

Barry: No, it was. It was very very good.

Rachel: Well, what about Mindy?

Barry: Oh, way, way better than Mindy.

Rachel: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy?

Barry: Well, if you want, I'll just—I'll just break it off with her.

Rachel: No. No-no-no-no, no. I mean, don't do that. Not, I mean not for me.

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here for his adjustment.

Barry: (into intercom) Thanks, Bernice. (To Rachel) Let's go away this weekend.

Rachel: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too..

Barry: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on what would have been our honeymoon, it was, uh... it was really nice. You would've liked it.

(Pause as Rachel realises...)

Rachel: I had a bra.

(Barry finds it draped on a cupboard and gives it to Rachel, they kiss as Bobby enters.)

Bobby: Hey, Dr. Farber.

(Rachel and Barry quickly split and pretend Barry is examining Rachel's mouth.)

Barry: All right Miss Green, everything looks fine... Yep, I think we're starting to see some real progress here.

(Bobby looks on, deadpan.)

Rachel: What?!

Bobby: I'm twelve, I'm not stupid.

(Rachel glares at him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters clutching his phone.]

Chandler: Can I use your phone?

Monica: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.

(Chandler dials his own phone and it rings.)

Chandler: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?

Joey: Maybe she never got your message.

Phoebe: Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn't get her messages yet.

Chandler: Y'don't think that makes me seem a little...

Ross: ...desperate, needy, pathetic?

Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.

(He calls and quickly hangs up.)

Phoebe: How many beeps?

Chandler: She answered.

Monica: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello' word we talked about.

Chandler: I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.

(Rachel enters.)

All: Hey! Hi!

Phoebe: How'd he take it?

Rachel: Pretty well, actually... (Wandering into the kitchen.)

Monica: (wandering in after her) Uh, Rach... how come you have dental floss in your hair?

Rachel: Oh, do I?

Monica: Uh huh.

Rachel: (in a low voice) We ended up having sex in his chair.

Monica: You had sex in his chair?!... I said that a little too loudly, didn't I?

Ross: You-you had what?

Phoebe: Sex in his chair.

Ross: What, uh... what were you thinking?

Rachel: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each other. There's a history there. 'S'like you and Carol.

Ross: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!

Rachel: Please. If she said to you, "Ross, I want you on this couch, right here, right now," what would you say?

(Ross flounders.)

Chandler: If it helps, I could slide over.

Ross: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation! It's, it's apples and oranges, it's, it's orthodontists and lesbi- I gotta go.

Phoebe: Where are you going?

Ross: (leaving) I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I am late- for keeping up with it. Okay?

(Ross exits, a phone rings, and Chandler dives for his phone.)

Chandler: Hello? Hello?

(Rachel picks up their phone and the ringing stops.  As she talks on the phone, an elaborate visual gag is spun out which is too difficult to describe in words.)

Rachel: (on phone) Hello?(Listens) Mindy! Hi! Hey, how are you? (Listens) Yes, yes, I've heard, congratulations, that is so great. (Listens) Really? (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Okay. Okay, well I'm working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can, you can come by and... (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Great... (Listens) Great... (Listens) All right, so I'll, so I'll see you tomorrow! (Listens) Okay.. (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up and sits down heavily.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

Chandler: So how's Mindy?

Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, she sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry... (Does so, on phone) Hi, it's me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.  Chandler is sitting and staring at his phone.  Monica enters and creeps up next to Chandler.]

Monica: Brrrrrrr!

(Chandler clutches at his phone before realising.)

Chandler: Hell is filled with people like you.

Joey: (entering) He's back! The peeper's back!

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Joey: (ducking) Get down!

Rachel: Get down?

Chandler: ...And boogie!

Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy.

Monica: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know.

Rachel: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else is it about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp together... she taught me how to kiss..

Joey: (intrigued) Yeah?

Rachel: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the other woman! I feel so..

Joey: ..Naughty!

Rachel: Right, I'll see you guys later...

Joey: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or- (Rachel exits and slams the door in his face.) That's fine, yeah...

(Joey exits.)

Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?

Monica: Why don't you just take it with you?

Chandler: Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?

Monica: Why don't you just call her?

Chandler: I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride.

Monica: Do you?

Chandler: No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! (Listens) I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. (Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to Monica) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back...

Monica: Don't you have to pee?

Chandler: 'S'why I'm dancing...

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving coffee as Mindy enters.]

Rachel: Mindy.

Mindy: Hey, you.

Rachel: Hey, you.... So, what's up?

Mindy: Um.. we should really be sitting for this.

Rachel: Sure we should... So.

Mindy: Now, I know things've been weird lately, but you're like my oldest friend in the world... Except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don't talk to anywhere, 'cause she's all bitter now that she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn't have a pretty face. ....Okay, I'm just gonna ask you this once, and I want a straight answer.

Rachel: Okay.

Mindy: Will you be my maid of honour?

Rachel: Of course!

Mindy: Oh that's so great!

Rachel: Was that all you wanted to ask me?

Mindy: That's all!

Rachel: Ohhhh!! (Mindy starts to sob.) ...What? What?

Mindy: That's not all.

Rachel: Oh sure it is!

Mindy: Oh no, it isn't! No! I think Barry is seeing someone in the city.

Rachel: Um, what- what would make you think that?

Mindy: Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been acting really weird, and then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel.

Rachel: (draws back) Really. Mindy, if it'll make you feel any better, when I was engaged to him he went through a whole weird thing too.

Mindy: Oh God! You see, that's what I was afraid of!

Rachel: What? What's what you were afraid of?

Mindy: Okay, okay... when Barry was engaged to you, he and I...kind of... had a little thing on the side.

Rachel: What?

Mindy: I know. I know, and when he proposed to me, everyone said "Don't do it, he's just gonna do to you what he did to Rachel," and now I feel so stupid.

Rachel: Uh... Oh, Mindy, you are so stupid. Oh, we are both so stupid.

Mindy: What do you mean?

Rachel: (offers her arm to Mindy and she sniffs) Smell familiar?

Mindy: Oh no.

Rachel: Oh, I am so sorry.

Mindy: No me, I am so sorry...

(They hug and Joey enters.)

Joey: (watches them for a while) Oh my.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Ross are doing a crossword, Monica is cooking, and Chandler is still staring at his phone.]

Ross: Four letters: "Circle or hoop".

Chandler: Ring dammit, ring!

Ross: Thanks.

Joey: (entering) Hey, you know our phone's not working?

Chandler: What?!

Joey: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no answer.

Chandler: (investigating) I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned it off!

Monica: Just like you told her you did! (Chandler glares at her.) ... Just pointing out the irony.

Joey: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to the doorman- I got the peeper's name! Can I use the phone?

Chandler: Nngghhh!!!!!!!

Joey: (to Monica) Can I use your phone? (On phone) Yeah, the number for a Sidney Marks, please.

Ross: "Heating device."

Phoebe: Radiator.

Ross: Five letters.

Phoebe: Rdtor.

Joey: (on phone) Yeah, is Sidney there? (Listens) Oh, this is? (To the gang) Sidney's a woman.

Monica: So she's a woman! So what?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (On phone) Look, I live across the street, (walking to the window) and I know all about you and your little telescope, and I don't appreciate it, okay? (Listens) Yeah, I can see you right now! (Listens) Hello! (Listens) If I wanna walk around my apartment in my underwear, I shouldn't have to feel like—(Listens)—Thank you, but... that's not really the point... (Listens) The point is that... (Listens) Mostly free weights, but occasionally..

Monica: Joey!!

Joey: (on phone) Yeah, my neighbor... (Listens) Yeah, the brunette... (to Monica) She says you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress.

Monica: The green dress? Really?

Joey: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day.

Monica: (waves dismissively to Sidney) Nooo!

[Scene: Barry's Office, Barry is preparing his tools alone as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey. Got a second?

Barry: Sure, sure. Come on... (Mindy enters) ...in...

Mindy: Hello, sweetheart.

Barry: Uh... uh... what're'you... what're'you guys doing here?

Rachel: Uh, we are here to break up with you.

Barry: Both of you?

Mindy: Basically, we think you're a horrible human being, and bad things should happen to you.

Barry: I'm sorry... I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry, I'm an idiot, I was weak, I couldn't help myself! Whatever I did, I only did because I love you so much!

Rachel: Uh- which one of us are you talking to there, Barr?

Barry: ....Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was always Mindy.

Rachel: Even when we were having sex in that chair?

Barry: (to Mindy) I swear, whatever I was doing, I was always thinking of you.

Rachel: Please! During that second time you couldn't have picked her out of a lineup!

Mindy: (to Rachel) You did it twice?

Rachel: Well, the first time didn't really count... I mean, y'know, 's'Barry.

Mindy: Okay...

Barry: (to Mindy) Sweetheart, just gimme- gimme another chance, okay, we'll start all over again. We'll go back to Aruba.

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, we've got a bit of an emergency here...Jason Costalano is choking on his retainer.

Barry: Oh God... (Into intercom) I'll be right there, Bernice. (to Mindy) Look, please, please don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be, I'll be right back.

(Barry exits)

Rachel: Okay. Okay, we'll be here! Hating you! Did you see how he was sweating when he walked out of there? Listen honey, if I'm hogging the ball too much you just jump right in there and take a couple punches because I'm telling you, this feels great.

Mindy: Yeah... I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna marry him.

Rachel: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the guy is the devil! He's Satan in a smock!

Mindy: Look, I know he's not perfect, but the truth is, at the end of the day, I still really wanna be Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, D.D.S.

Rachel: Oh God.

Mindy: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope you'll still be my maid of honor...?

Rachel: And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there.]

Monica: You okay?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Really?

Rachel: Yeah! Y'know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding, I have wondered whether I made the right choice. And now I know.

Monica: Aww... (They hug)

(Joey enters and looks on approvingly.)

Joey: Big day.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: All right, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...

Phoebe: You know he's gay?

Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?

Danielle: (entering) Chandler?

Chandler: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody.

All: Hi. Hi.

Chandler: What are you doing here?

Danielle: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns out I had your number wrong. And when I finally got the right one from Information, there was no answer. So I thought I'd just come down here, and make sure you were okay.

Chandler: ...I'm, I'm okay.

Danielle: Listen uh, maybe we could get together later?

Chandler: That sounds good. I'll call you- or you call me, whatever...

Danielle: You got it.

Chandler: Okay.

Danielle: G'bye, everybody.

All: Bye.

Phoebe: Whoo-hoo!

Monica: Yeah, there you go!

Ross: Second date!

Chandler: ...I dunno.

Rachel: You don't know?!

Chandler: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that?

(They all groan and hit him..)

End

The One With The Fake Monica

Written by: Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider

Transcribed by guineapig

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is looking at papers.]

Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?

Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!

Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending.

Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica: That's me.

Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! (Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa)

Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs toward Rachel's room) come here, Marcel-

Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him.

Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.

Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase.

Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey...

Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.

Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, late at night Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel emerges from her room.]

Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.

Monica: This woman's living my life.

Rachel: What?

Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.

Rachel: You're not an artist.

Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.

Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.

Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.

Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...

Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?

Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo...

Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names.]

Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?

Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.

Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?

(The waitress brings their coffee.)

Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I'm not.

Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?

Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar.

Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...

Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good.

Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.

(Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down.)

Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!

Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were.

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up) I'm going to tap class.

Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card?

Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is.

Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.

Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you.

[Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the door.]

Monica: What d'you think?

Phoebe: Lotsa things.

(They go in and sit down.)

Rachel: Which one do you think she is?

(The teacher comes up to them.)

Teacher: May I help you?

Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe.

Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.

Rachel: What does she mean?

Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) 'You dance a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. (They put on some spare shoes)

Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me?

Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again!

Rachel: She could be you.

(Music starts)

Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight...

(Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders)

Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this!

Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I'm totally getting it!

Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?

(Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class)

Rachel: What? You just click when they click.

Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.

(The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)

Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel.

Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again.

Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.

Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.

Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.

(She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)

Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl?

Teacher: She's your partner.

Woman: Hi. I'm Monica.

Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.

Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana?

Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch.

Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in Dutch)

Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.

Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight...

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]

Ross: (Mortified) Hi.

Chandler and Joey: Hey.

Joey: Where've you been?

Ross: At the vet.

Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?

Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.

Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.

Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, scene continued from earlier.  They guys are sitting there like the Three Monkeys.]

Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!

Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?

Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.

Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him?

Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo.

Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?

Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.

Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.

Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.

(Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)

Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Did you call the cops?

Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.

Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.

Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer.

Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing spirit.

Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.

Chandler: ...Take off their hats!

Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel and Fake Monica are there.]

Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.

Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.

Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!

Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts...

Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!

Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. (Exits)

Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.

Monica: 'Scuse me?

Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?

Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.

Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background.

Monica: What?

Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?

Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.

Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?

Monica: Uh-huh.

Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.

Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, tiem lapse.  Everyone but Joey and Monica are there.]

Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn't get into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.

Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.

Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?

Rachel: Oh, somebody will.

Joey: (entering) You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?

Chandler: You're kidding.

Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that!

Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've.

Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?

Phoebe: ...Flame Boy.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper.]

Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?

Ross: Yes.

Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?

Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile.

Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?

Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why?

Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?

Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...

Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?

Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.

(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)

Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.

Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing...

Chandler: ...He's in.

Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!

Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]

Monica: Yo- hooo!

Rachel: Where the hell've you been?

Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.

Rachel: Are you drunk?!

Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I'm lying. I am so drunk.

Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried...

(Monica is drinking from the tap)

Rachel: Monica? Monica!

Monica: Water rules!

Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?

Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.

Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you!

Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana!

(The phone rings and Rachel answers)

Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people.

Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.

Rachel: What?

Monica: They've arrested Monica.

[Scene: New York City Department of Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica.]

Monica: Hi.

Fake Monica: Hey.

Monica: How are you?

Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How-how did you know I was here?

Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.

Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.

Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.

Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.

Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theater!

Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.

Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?

Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?

Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.

Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are.

Monica: Not necessarily...

Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing.

Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish.

Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?

[Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.]

Teacher: You by the door. In or out?

Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders)

Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong!

Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!

[Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel.]

PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.

Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the plane.

Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh!

Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.

Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.

Ross: Just, just say what you feel.

Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry.

Ross: That was good.

Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane.

Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him.

All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room)

Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.

(Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going on for a play.]

Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek...

Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.

Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)

Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.

Casting Director No. 2: Name?

Joey: Holden McGroin.

End

The One With the Ick Factor

Written by: Alexa Junge

Transcribed by: Mikael Hedberg

(Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.)

Monica: Tell him.

Rachel: No.

Phoebe: Tell him, tell him.

Monica: Just...please tell him.

Rachel: Shut up!

Chandler: Tell me what?

Monica: Look at you, you won't even look at him.

Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me.

Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were...

Phoebe: Doing it on this table. (points at the table)

Chandler: Wow!

Joey: Exellent dream score.

Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that?

Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?

Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good.

Chandler: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats him on his lap)

Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.

Ross: I love it, when we share.

(Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.)

Chandler: You're okay there?

Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else's subconscious.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Chandler is sitting on the table.]

Chandler: Hello Rachel.

Rachel: Get off.

Phoebe: (points at Joey's pen) Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?

Joey: I don't know. What are you wearing?

(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him)

Ross: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?

Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.

Chandler: Pirates again?

Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they are.

Joey: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.

Chandler: (sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that's a good idea.

Phoebe: What... I could, I could do it. What is it?

Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's a whole big boob story.

Phoebe: I could be a secretary.

Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.

Phoebe: I could do that.

(Ross's beeper goes off)

Rachel: What are you playing with?

Ross: Oh, it's my new beeper.

Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?

Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct.'

Ross: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.

Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.

Monica: All right, I'll see you guys later. (raises)

Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?

Monica: Thank you.

Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?

Monica: He's... our age.

Chandler: When we were?

Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.

Ross: College?

Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?

Monica: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.

All: What?

Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?

Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.

Monica: I am 26.

Phoebe: There you go.

[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.]

Chandler: Can you hear that?

Phoebe: (plays with a thumbtack remover) Yeah?

Chandler: See that'll stop when you pick up the phone.

Phoebe: Oh. Uh, I'm on. (picks up the phone)

Phoebe: (with a deep voice) Mr. Bing's office. (Listens) No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.

Chandler: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.

Phoebe: Will he know what this is in reference to? (Listens) And he has your number? (Listens) All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Ross says hi.

Chandler: Ah!

Phoebe: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?

Chandler: Well, now, I actually have to get to work.

Phoebe: Most likely. (raises and goes toward the door) Okay, I'm gonna be out there.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: All right. Bye bye.

Chandler: Bye bye.

(The intercom buzzes)

Chandler: (answering it) Yes?

Phoebe: Whatcha doin'?

Chandler: Ooh. (leans against the desk)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.]

Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt's to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? (goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner) No, cause I made lasagne. (to Rachel) Am I out of control?

Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Could tonight be the Night?

Monica: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things.

Rachel: So, did you shave your legs?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: A-ha!

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]

Joey: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean...

(Ross's beeper goes off)

Ross: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's baby time. Baby time.

Joey: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.

(Ross dials a number on his cellular phone)

Ross: (on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, André is not here. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of services.

Joey: Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.

Ross: (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's right. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, belive me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment. (pause) All rightie, bye bye.

(Phoebe and Chandler enter)

Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day?

Phoebe: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.

Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.

Phoebe: No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.

Chandler: Why not?

Phoebe: Oh, because, you know... they don't like you.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: I thought you knew that.

Chandler: Noho. Who doesn't they like me?

Phoebe: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".

(Joey and Ross laughs)

Chandler: I can't belive it.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.

Chandler: They do me?

Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any later?'

(Joey and Ross laughs)

Chandler: I don't sound like that.

Ross: Oh, oh Chandler...

Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do.

Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.'

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs)

Joey: (reaches for hi scones) My scones.

Phoebe, Joey, and Ross: 'My scones.'

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again)

Chandler: Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true.

(Joey and Chandler laughs)

Chandler: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Young Ethan are sitting in the couch.]

Monica: Did not.

Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.

Monica: How was that possible?

Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.

Monica: Okay.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Okay.

Monica: Unless...

Young Ethan: What?

Monica: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm going to, so...

Young Ethan: Yeah, I'd really like that.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.

Monica: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?'

Young Ethan: Well it's somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven't ever uh...

Monica: Ethan?

Young Ethan: Yeah?

Monica: Are you a virgin?

Young Ethan: Well, if that's what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for the right person.

Monica: Really?

Young Ethan: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?

(They kiss)

[Time lapse. They are now in Monica's bedroom, on the bed.]

Young Ethan: Wow!

Monica: You keep saying that.

Young Ethan: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practice it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.

(They kiss)

Monica: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.

Young Ethan: Oh god, don't tell me, I did it wrong.

Monica: No-no. Nothing wrong about that.

Young Ethan: Oh.

Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25... and thirteen months.

Young Ethan: Huh!

Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I'm a little younger than I said.

Monica: You're not a senior?

Young Ethan: Oh, I'm a senior... in High School.

Monica: Ok...ay.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, continued from earlier.]

Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial.

Young Ethan: I just had sex.

Monica: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?

Young Ethan: Well, you never told me how old you were.

Monica: Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?

Young Ethan: I wasn't thinking. I was too busy fallin'...

Monica: Don't say it. (closes Ethan's mouth with her hand)

Young Ethan: ...in love with you.

Monica: Really?

Young Ethan: (nods) Sorry.

Monica: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even be here, it's a school night. Oh god, oh god. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.

Young Ethan: Who?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone exept Monica is there.]

Ross: (on phone) Okay, André should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. (to Phoebe) Just easier that way.

Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

Rachel: No, forget it.

Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?

Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. (Camera fades to Ross, who's listening very carefully) Joey was there too.

Joey: All right. (Moves closer.)

Ross: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there.

Rachel: No.

Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?

Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.

Ross: Huh!

Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

Rachel: (laughs) You know what?

Joey: What?

Rachel: There were times when it wasn't even me.

(Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other then recoil in horror.)

Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)

(Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn't hear what the others say)

Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe: Hey, Mon.

Rachel: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?

All: (shouting) Mon!

(Monica takes of her walkman)

Monica: What?

Rachel: Ethan called again.

Monica: Oh.

Ross: Are you not seeing him anymore?

Monica: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn't work out.

Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.

(Monica stares at Rachel)

Rachel: I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear. He stopped by.

Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?

(Ross and Chandler laughs)

Ross: Oh, yeah.

Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?

Joey, Chander, and Ross: Sorry.

Ross: It's morphin time!

Joey: Stegosaurus!

Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!

(They all cross they're arms like the Power Rangers do)

Phoebe: Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. (raises) Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. (sits down, and then raises again) Cool!

Rachel: Where are you going?

Phoebe: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some work people.

Chandler: Work people? Nobody told me.

Phoebe: No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.

Chandler: You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.

Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.

Chandler: You think I should?

Phoebe: I really do, yeah.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.

[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]

Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.

Phoebe: You were great. But they still made fun of you.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: You know, now you're more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I'm one of you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!"

Chandler: Then, I don't get it.

Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.

Chandler: They do?

Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.

Chandler: I just wan't to...

Phoebe: No, but you can't.

Chandler: But I just wa...

Phoebe: Uh uh.

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Ross's beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.]

Monica: Aren't you gonna...

Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.

Joey: What about André?

Ross: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.

(Ethan enters)

Young Ethan: Hey.

Monica: That was gonna be my opener.

Rachel: (understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone) Hey, did you guys check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?

Ross: I thought that was just a rumour.

Rachel: True story.

Joey: They're here already?

(Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom)

Young Ethan: All right, look. I've gotta tell you something. I'm not 17. I only said so that you'd think I was cute and vunerable. I'm actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I'm your Congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great.

Monica: It was.

Young Ethan: Then, what's the problem?

Monica: Ethan, it's um... it's icky.

Young Ethan: Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?

Monica: This isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really...

Young Ethan: No, don't say it. (closes Monica's mouth with his hand)

Monica: ...love you.

(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren't finished talking to each other yet.)

Ross: Are you're hands still wet?

Joey: Uh, moist, yeah.

Rachel: Let's dry 'em again.

(They go to the bathroom again)

[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employees's conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.]

Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? (They discover that Chandler is listening) Hey, Chandler.

Santos: Hello, Mr. Bing.

Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.

Chandler: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock.

Santos: Sure.

Gerston: No problem.

(They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler)

Chandler: You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?

Phoebe: Petrie.

Chandler: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]

Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. (Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!

(Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: I'm here.

Rachel: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just...  Wow!

Ross: What? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I'm having a baby.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Ooh, Ooh.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I'm having... I'm having a baby. (jumps back onto the table again) I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone?

Rachel: I don't know where the phone is.

(Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: I'm hurt.

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.]

Ross: Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.

(Chandler struts out from his apartment)

Chandler: (doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I've got going here.

Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.

(Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands)

Ross: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital.

Rachel: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors there.

Ross: Joey, get out of the fridge.

Joey: All right, all right. (he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand)

Ross: What is that? (refering to the sandwich)

Joey: For the ride.

Chandler: Yeah, like in a cab...

Ross: Save it.

Chandler: Okay, hating this.

Ross: Monica, come on now. Let's go, baby coming.

(Monica enters from their apartment, crying)

Monica: I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna have like a nephew.

Ross: That's nice. Get out Let's go, come on.

Joey: All right, I'm going. I'm going.

(They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.)

Chandler: Here we go, here we go.

Rachel: Rossy, Rossy.

End

The One With the Birth

Story by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman

Teleplay by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss

Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips

With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein

[Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.]

Ross: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's having my baby and she's not here.

Monica: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke yet?

Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.

(Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.)

Joey: Do we have to know about that?

Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?

Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.

Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.

Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.

Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction.

(Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tasteless comment.)

Rachel: What, it's ok when Chandler does it?

Chandler: You have to pick your moments.

(Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.)

Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it?

Ross: She's not even here yet.

Monica: What's with the guitar?

Phoebe: I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical.

(Carol and Susan arrive.)

Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?

Susan: We stopped at the gift shop.

Carol: I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.

Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, ok, a baby, you don't stop for Chunkys.

Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker.

(Everyone is amused by Chandler's comment.)

Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]

Ross: Stopped for a Chunky.

Carol: Let it go, Ross.

Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? (holds the candy in front of Ross' face)

Ross: (weakly) No.

(Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.)

Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing?

Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi.

Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions?

Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus.

Susan: They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds.

Ross: 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz, ha.

Susan: Swiss quartz, ha, ha.

Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?

Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station.

Ross: I'll get it.

Susan: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.

Ross: I got it—I'm getting it!

(They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.)

Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips.

Carol: Thanks.

Rachel: And if you need anything else, I—(notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)—do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate.

Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician.

Rachel: Oh, that's funny!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling asleep on Monica's shoulder.]

Monica: I want a baby.

Chandler: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

Monica: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.

Chandler: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that.

(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.)

Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That's good too.

(A young pregnant woman enters.)

Lydia: Knick fan?

Joey: Oh, yeah.

Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck.

Joey: Hey, listen, lady....(sees that she's pregnant)...whoa.

Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You know what, he couldn't hit water if he was standing on a boat.

Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like?

Lydia: The Celtics.

Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alright?

Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year. You... waah!

Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father!

Lydia: There is no father.

Joey: Oh, oh, oh, sorry.

Lydia: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh!

Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin' in here.

Lydia: Ok.

(Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.)

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as well.]

Phoebe: (singing)

They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,

and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.

Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why,

you cry and you cry and you cry.

And you cry and you cry and you cry...

(Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)

Phoebe: Thanks, Ross.

Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.

Phoebe: Ok.

(A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.)

Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.

Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?

Chandler: You'll get one.

Monica: Oh yeah? When?

Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler: No, no, no.

Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.

Monica: Well?

Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)

(Rachel enters, in a formal dress.)

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.

Monica: Did you go home and change?

Rachel: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by?

Monica: No, I haven't seen him.

Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. (Pause) What if the baby needs him?

Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor?

Rachel: Yeah, why?

Chandler: No reason. (turns around, makes an 'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes)

[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]

Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. (pause) What do you mean, Joey who? (covers the phone, to Joey) Joey who?

Joey: Tribbiani.

Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to Joey) She wants to talk to you. Take the phone.

Joey: (takes phone) Hi, yeah, it's me. (Listens) Oh, no no no, we're just friends. (Listens) Yeah, I'm single. (Listens) 25. (Listens) An actor. (Listens) Hello?

Lydia: She's not much of a phone person.

Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you know?

Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Uh, no.

Joey: Ok, look, maybe I should just go.

Lydia: Maybe you should.

Joey: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh?

(He leaves, but then returns a moment later.)

Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team.

Lydia: Oh, that is so not true.

Joey: Oh, it is.

Lydia: It isn't.

Joey: It is.

Lydia: Isn't!

[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Ross and Susan are coaching Carol.]

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Carol: You're gonna kill me!

Ross: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...

Carol: Count faster.

Susan: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie.

Ross: Who the hell is Jordie?

Susan: Your son.

Ross: No-no-no. I don't have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.

Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.

Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.

Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.

Ross: I got it.

Susan: I got it.

Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.

Susan: No, you don't.

Carol: All right, that's it. I want both of you out.

Ross: Why?

Susan: He started it!

Ross: No, you started it.

Susan: You did!

Carol: I don't care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you're not making it any easier.

Ross: But...

Carol: Now go!

Ross: (to Susan) Thanks a lot.

Susan: (to Ross) See what you did.

Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen...

Carol: Out!

(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)

[Scene: Lydia's Hospital Room, Joey is helping Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present in her room as well.]

Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe...

Lydia: Oh, no.

(Joey looks down at Lydia.)

Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded!

Nurse: It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?

Joey: (panicked) Water breaking, what do you mean? What's that, water breaking?

Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe.

[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]

Ross: Please. This is so your fault.

Susan: How, how is this my fault?

Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.

Susan: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.

Ross: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady?

Susan: You know what your problem is? You're threatened by me.

Ross: Oh, I'm threatened by you?

Susan: Yes.

(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.)

Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!

Ross: Yeah, Susan.

Phoebe: Don't make me do this again, I don't like my voice like this.

(Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.)

Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic?

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]

All: Help!

Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. (Walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow.

[Scene: Carol's room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there with her.]

Carol: Are they here yet?

Rachel: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?

Carol: Ok.

Rachel: Ok?

Carol: Ok.

Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating.

Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. (Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down) There you go, dear.

[Scene: Lydia's Room, Joey is helping her deliver.]

Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let's— (notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I was just—yeah, right. Push! Push!

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up a vacuum and is holding it at the door.]

Susan: What're you gonna do, suck the door open?

Ross: Help! Help!

Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next...(sees Ross and Susan staring at her) la la la la la la.

Susan and Ross: (even louder) Help!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing behind her.]

Monica: Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. (Listens) Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh, he's in a whole other place. (Listens) No, he's gone. (Listens) No no, you don't have to fly back, really. (Listens) What do you mean this might be your only chance? (Listens) Would you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet.

(Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.)

Chandler: Where have you been?

Joey: Oh, just had a baby.

Chandler: Mazel tov!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]

Dr. Franzblau: I don't know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she's doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?

Rachel: (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm not. Are you?

Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me.

Rachel: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors.

Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it's because I spend so much time, you know, where I do.

Rachel: Oh.

Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?

Rachel: I'm a waitress.

Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'...

Rachel: (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha.

Dr. Franzblau: I'm gonna go check up on your friend.

Rachel: Ok. That's fine. (takes her earrings out)

[Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia's Room, Joey is walking up to Lydia's room with balloons, but before he enters he sees that the baby's father has arrived. He listens at the door.]

Lydia: So how did you know I was even here?

Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her?

Lydia: No, this is a loaner.

Guy: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.

Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did you see who won the game?

Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.

Lydia: Yeah, they're not so bad.

(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no success.]

Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.

Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.

Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?

Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.

Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

Phoebe: This is so great.

Ross: You wanna explain that?

Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry, you were fighting.

[Scene: Carol's Room, she is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.]

Carol: Where are they?

Monica: I'm sure they'll be here soon.

Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.

Joey: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station.

Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening me.

(Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.)

Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?

Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here we go.

Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing.

Carol: But they're not here yet!

Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.

Carol: Oh, god.

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]

Ross: Ok, got the vent open.

Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!

Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That's it, Ben.

(Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.)

Susan: What do you see?

Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.

(A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.)

Ross: Phoebs, It's open! It's open!

(Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.)

Janitor: (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot your legs!

[Scene: Carol's Room, Ross and Susan rush in.]

All: Push, push!

Ross: We're here!

Carol: (irked) Where have you been?

Ross: Long story, honey.

Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need—(reaches for an instrument, Rachel's hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have this?

Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!

All: Good luck!

(Everyone heads for the door.)

Chandler: (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?

Nurse: Out!

Dr. Franzblau: All right, he's crowning. Here he comes.

Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it's, it's huge. Carol, how are you doing this?

Carol: (straining) Not.... helping!

Dr. Franzblau: You're doing great, you're doing fine.

Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.

Susan: What do you see? What do you see?

Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person.

Susan: Oh, look at that.

Carol: What does he look like?

Ross: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o.

Carol: Really?

Phoebe: (from the air vent overhead) You guys, he's beautiful!

Ross: Oh, thanks, Pheebs!

(They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.)

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding the infant.]

Susan: No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy.

Ross: (thinking) How 'bout Ben?

Susan: I like Ben.

Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?

Ross: We uh, we just cooked it up.

Susan: That's what we were off doing.

(Monica opens the door.)

Monica: Hi.

Ross: Hey.

Monica: Can we come in?

(The whole gang enters.)

Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.

Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you.

Susan: Thanks.

Rachel: Oh, god, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these.

Chandler: I know, I still am one of these.

Monica: Ross, can I?

(Monica holds Ben.)

Ross: The head, the head. You gotta...

Monica: (getting choked up) Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum.

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Hospital, the camera is placed as though it were Ben's eyes.]

Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. (walks out of the picture) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns) And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. (walks away) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns)

(Chandler comes into the picture.)

Chandler: And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this. (Does a baseball sign.)

(The rest of the group come into the picture.)

Monica: He is so amazing.

Rachel: Oh, I know. Look at him.

Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name.

Phoebe: Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. (screen goes blank) Look, he's opening his eyes. (picture comes back)

Joey: He doesn't do much, does he?

Ross: No, this is pretty much it.

(long moment of silence)

Rachel: You guys wanna get some coffee?

All: Yeah.

Ross: All right, I'll see you guys later.

(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.)

Phoebe: Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.

(The screen fades to black.)

End

The One Where Rachel Finds Out

Written by: Chris Brown

Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]

Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off...

Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!

Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!

Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!

(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)

Ross: (quietly) That would be nice.

(Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.)

Rachel: Pardon?

Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated)

(Joey is looking at his check.)

Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.

Joey: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.

Chandler: (sigh)... And where's this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)

Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some... research.

Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research?

Joey: Oh, just, y'know.... science.

Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. (everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over)

Joey: (sigh)... It's a fertility study.

(Rachel laughs.)

Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.

Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.]

Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...

Phoebe: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... (hands meat to Monica)

(Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)

Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here.

Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.

Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Monica and Phoebe: Ewww!

Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.

Joey: Oh, OK.

Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your (provocatively) special someone?

Joey: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great.

Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?

Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?

Monica: Man's got a point.

Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.

Chandler: Crazy bitch.

Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.

Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean.

[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags)

Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?

Ross: I'm going to China.

Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and...

Monica: You're going to China?

Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo—it's—it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here's a picture of me... (hands it to Monica)

Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture)

Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?

Monica: Yeah.

(Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.)

Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.

Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.

Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.

Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who's Carl?

Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.

Ross: No.

Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the...

Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.

Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.

Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story.

(Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)

Ross: Hi.

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China.

Joey: The country?

Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?

Chandler: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.

Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.

Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!?

Chandler: Forget about her.

Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.

Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.

Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don't—I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)

Joey: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you.

Ross: I know.

Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug)

Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

[Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]

Melanie: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.'

Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.

Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity)

Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like their burgers?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks into living room)

(Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)

Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?

Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I...

(Monica rolls her eyes.)

Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh.

Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?

Joey: What do you mean?

Monica: Y'know, just be there for her.

(Long pause... Joey looks confused.)

Joey: Not following you.

Monica: Think about it.

(They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.)

Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from...

(Melanie smiles.)

Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.

Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me.

Rachel: (picks it up) OK... ah, it's light... (shakes it)...it rattles... it's... (opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)

(Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)

Rachel: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...(opens it)...it's a book!

Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!

Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through some tough times.

Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!

Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.

(Rachel picks up the next gift.)

Rachel: Who's this from?

Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.

Rachel: Oh... (opens it)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.

Phoebe: Remembered what?

Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!

Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)

Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.

Monica: I can't believe he did this.

Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.)

Rachel: What did you just say?

Chandler: (panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck.

Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?

Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin....

Rachel: Oh.... my God.

Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no....

Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.

Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.

Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.

Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.

Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?

Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?

Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?

Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.

Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. (gets up to leave)

Chandler: (quickly) H-He's in China!

Joey: The country.

Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary) His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes.

Chandler: What about the time difference?

Monica: From here to the airport?

Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You're never gonna make it!

Monica: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?

Rachel: I-I-I don't know.

Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn't go.

Joey: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait.

Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.

Rachel: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him.

Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?

(Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.)

Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. (opens door)

Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)

[Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]

Ross: (something in Chinese)

Flight Attendant: Alright!

Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway)

(Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.)

Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me....

(Rachel gets up to the jetway.)

Flight Attendant: Hi!

Rachel: Hi.

Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend.

Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.

Rachel: No, I know, but I—he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just...

Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations!

Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.

Flight Attendant: Alright. What's the message?

Rachel: Uh... I don't know.

[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]

Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.

Man: (confused) What?

Flight Attendant: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.

Man: (to wife): Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze.

[Scene: Joey's Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together.]

Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute!

Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'.

Melanie: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest)

Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn.

Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again?

Joey: Sure! Why not?

Melanie: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.

(Joey starts to kiss her.)

Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.

Joey: How do you mean?

Melanie: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.]

Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?

Rachel: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.

Monica and Phoebe: Sure.

Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.

Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date!

Phoebe: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.

Monica: Another good point.

Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed.

Rachel: (confused) Huh?

Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out?

Monica: Why isn't it working out?

Rachel: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't.

Monica: Is he not cute enough for you?

Rachel: No!

Monica: Does he not make enough money?

Rachel: No, I'm just....

Phoebe: Maybe there's someone else.

Rachel: Wha...

Monica: Is there? Is there someone else?

Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else!

Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]

Chandler: Hey, big...

Joey: Shhhh!

Chandler: (quietly) ...spender.

Joey: She's still asleep.

Chandler: So how'd it go?

Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed?

Chandler: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me.

Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!

Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.

Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level.

Chandler: I didn't know you had another level.

Joey: I know! Neither did I!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]

Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, from who?

Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.

Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?

Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this—this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea.

Monica: Oh, why?

Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna...

Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!

Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so...

Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise.

(Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Who is it?

Intercom: It's me, Carl.

Rachel: C'mon up.

Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]

Joey: Seven hundred bucks!

Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?

Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.

Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?

Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]

Carl: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy!

(Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross—a figment of Rachel's imagination— shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)

Ross: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.

Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here.

Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me.

(She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.)

Ross: Can't do it, can you?

Rachel: So I'm thinking about you. So what?

Ross: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?

Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy....

Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!

Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.

Rachel: Ross, it's too hard.

Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.

Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend.

Ross: I know.

Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you...

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up?

Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?

Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me?

Rachel: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.

Ross: Well, start looking.

(They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.)

Rachel: Wow.

Carl: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!

Rachel: Right! You're right!

Carl: Heh... y'know?

Rachel: You know what?

Carl: What?

Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) I mean—I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry.

(Rachel leaves.)

Carl: But...

[Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]

Rachel: (sifting through crowd) Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.

[Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]

Man: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel!

(A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.)

Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.

(Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss.)

Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.

Julie: Really?

Ross: Yeah.

Julie: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?

Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh...

Ross and Julie: Can't wait.

Ross: Come on, they're gonna love you.

[Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]

End

The One With Ross' New Girlfriend

Written by: Jeff Astroff & Mike Sikowitz

Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips

With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see a montague of scenes from Ross and Rachel.]

Phoebe: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?

Opening Credits

[Scene, The Airport, continued from last season, Rachel is waiting for Ross to come of the plane, when she sees he's coming off with another woman.]

Rachel: Oh my god. Oh my god. (She decides to make a break for it.) Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over a bench and falls down.)

Ross: (seeing her) Rach!

Rachel: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.)

Ross: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?

Rachel: What?

Ross: You're bleeding.

Rachel: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. Come on. I wanna hear everything! Everything. (Looks at Julie)

Ross: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.

Rachel: These are, these aren't for you. (to Julie) These are for you. (Loudly, thinking she can't speak English.) Welcome to our country.

Julie: (Loudly, proving she can speak English.) Thank you. I'm from New York.

Rachel: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airport with Ross.]

Chandler:  No way!

Monica: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross!

Phoebe: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?

Joey: Um, this?

Phoebe: Yes.

Monica: Guys, you got your hair cut.

Chandler: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.

Phoebe: 'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.

Rachel: (entering, out of breath) Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp.

Chandler: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.

(She hits Chandler.)

Rachel: (to Chandler) You, you, you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you slowpokes!

Ross: That's all right, Rach, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler.  Phoebe.  Joey, what up?

Joey: What up?!

Ross: Everyone, this is Julie.

Rachel: (out of breath) Julie.

All: Ohh. (Happily) Hi!

Julie: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.

Ross: And bus.

Julie: Oh my god.

Ross:  The screaming guy?

Julie:  And the spitting?

Ross: You gotta hear this story.

Julie: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old...

Ross: 200 at least.

Julie:  ...and this guy...

Rachel: And the chicken pooped in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.

Monica: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?

Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.

Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.

Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

Monica: (to Julie) It's an expression.

Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.

Julie: And then we've gotta get some sleep.

Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.

Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.

(Ross and Julie exit)

Rachel: Bye. (She closes the door and everyone tries to sympathize with her.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter.]

Ross: Hey, Rach, can I get some coffee?

Rachel: Yeah, sure.

Ross: Thank you.

Chandler: Hey, Rach, can I get...

Rachel: Did you talk to him?

Chandler: Not yet.

Rachel: Then, no.

(He goes to sit down next to Ross.)

Chandler: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.

Ross: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?

Chandler: God?

Ross: It was you, pal.

Chandler: Well, maybe it was God, doing me.

Ross: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.

Chandler: Well, you owe me one, big guy.

Rachel: (To Ross) Here's your lemonade.

Ross: I didn't order lemonade.

Rachel: Oh. Well then, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that.

Ross: But...

Rachel: Go-go-go-go, come on! (Ross goes over to the counte) (to Chandler) So uh, what did you find out?

Chandler: He said...he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself!  Without any outside help whatsoever.

Rachel: How is that the silver lining?

Chandler: You have to really wanna see it.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang is watching Sumo wrestling on TV.]

Ross: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.

[Cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.]

Monica: Pheebes, you know what I'm thinking?

Phoebe: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?

Monica: No, although now that's what I'm thinking.

Phoebe: All right, so what were you thinking?

Monica: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?

Phoebe: Ohh! No.

Monica: Why not?

Phoebe: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.

Monica: No you're not.

Phoebe: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.

(The phone rings.)

Joey: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie, for you. (Throws him the phone.)

Ross: (on phone) Hello? Hi.

Chandler: (entering) Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?

Joey: Needs some clothes altered?

Chandler: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.

Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. (still confused) All right, when was 1990?

Chandler: Okay.  You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!

Ross: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? (Sits down next to Rachel) Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. (Doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up either.

Rachel: She didn't hang up either!

Ross: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y...

Rachel: (taking the phone and hanging it up) Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.

Ross: Rachel! I'll just call her back.

Rachel: Okay!

Ross: (calls Julie back) Hi?  Sorry, we got disconnected... (Walks away.)

Rachel: (to Monica) Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.

Monica: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.

Rachel: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by, smoching with Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here. (Exits)

Chandler: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.]

Joey: (to Chandler) You know, I think I was sixteen.

Monica: (to Phoebe) Please, just a little bit off the back.

Phoebe: I'm still on "no."

Rachel: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?

Joey: No-no-no-no-no, (grabs his pants) I'm not fallin' for that again.

Phoebe: What's goin' on?

Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night.

Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?

Paulo: (entering from Rachel's room) Bon giorno tutti!

Phoebe: Ewww! (Gets up and walks away.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. (Paulo goes into his room.)

Monica: Rachel, how did this happen?

Rachel: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night.

Phoebe: Where?

Rachel: At his apartment. Is this juice?

Joey: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?

Rachel: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser.

Monica: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad.

Chandler: People do stupid things when they're upset.

Monica: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't...(Everyone looks at her), but this is about your horrible mistake.

(Ross and Julie enter.)

All: Hi!

Ross: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were—well, there was touching.

Paulo: (entering) Hey, hey Ross.

Ross: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here?

Paulo: I do Raquel.

Ross: (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back.

Rachel: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?

Ross: No, not a problem.

Rachel: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem.

Phoebe: (to Paulo) Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.

Chandler: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.

Joey: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means.

Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?

Monica: (to Phoebe) You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.

Phoebe: All right. Ok, but, but!  You have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it.

Monica: I promise.

Phoebe: All right. (Talking to Monica's hair.) Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.

[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is finishing with her haircut and Monica is whincing.]

Phoebe: All right, that's it, I quit.

Monica: What? I didn't say anything.

Phoebe: Yeah, but this (makes Monica's face) isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this (makes Monica's face) is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.

Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.

Phoebe: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.

Monica: How who wears it?

Phoebe: Demi Moore.

Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.

Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.

Monica: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.

Phoebe: Oh.  Oh!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore?

Monica: She's the actress that was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost!

Phoebe: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.

Monica: I know!

[Scene: Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants measured.]

Frankie: How long do you want the cuffs?

Chandler: At least as long as I have the pants.

(Pause as Frankie resumes his work.)

Frankie: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam.

(He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a rather surprised face.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]

Rachel: How is she?

Phoebe: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.

Ross: How's the hair?

Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.

Joey: Can we see her?

Phoebe: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, why don't you come on in.

Ross:  Yeah. (Gets up, but then pauses when he realizes what that meant.)

(They go into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone.)

Joey: How're you doing?

Rachel: I'm okay.

Joey: Ooh, that bad, huh?

Rachel: What?

Joey: Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.

Rachel: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then me.

Joey: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.

Rachel: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?

Joey: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.

Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.

Joey: Look, Rach, Rach! I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.

Chandler: (entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? (Pause) Your tailor is a very bad man!

Joey: Frankie? What're you talking about?

Ross: (entering from the bedroom) Hey, what's goin' on? (Pats Chandler on the shoulder which causes him to jump.)

Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.

Ross: What?

Joey: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.

Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...

Ross: What?

Chandler: Cupping.

Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. (Chandler and Ross stare at him) What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?

Joey: What? That's not? (Realizes) Oh my God.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day.  Monica is now out and about.]

Monica: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.

Ross: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten. (Chandler laughs.)

Monica: Thank you. My hair is very amused.

Chandler: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.

Phoebe: (to Chandler and Ross) Thank you.

Ross: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rach.

Rachel: (sticking her head in from the balcony) Wait, are you leaving?

Ross: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!"

Rachel: Well, can I talk to you for a sec?

Ross: Okay. (goes out onto the balcony)

Joey: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...

Chandler: That's ok.

[Out on the balcony]

Ross: What's goin' on?

Rachel: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all (Ross is laughing), what?

Ross: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?

Rachel: No. No-no-no-no.

Ross: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I mean I actually—I-I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. (Rachel has moved closer, but hearing that she starts to back up.) Was there a second of all?

Rachel: No, I think that was the whole all.

Ross: Okay.  Okay. (They hug.) Okay.

[Cut back inside, Joey is on the phone.]

Joey: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her hair cut from Phoebe.]

Julie: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andie McDowell's new haircut?

Phoebe: Oh yeah!  Oh, I can do that.

Julie: Really?

Phoebe: You wanna do it right now?

Julie: Great! (Julie leaves)

Phoebe: (to Rachel) Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andie McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?

Rachel: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andie McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.

Rachel: You're welcome.

End

The One With the Breast Milk

Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider

Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips

With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]

Monica: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)

Phoebe: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my God, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?

Susan: Oh, is he hungry already?

Carol: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.)

Chandler: You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)

Joey: (joins him) I gotta get one, too.

Ross: (following them into the kitchen) What are you guys doing?

Chandler: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?

Ross: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.

Joey: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.

Ross: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.

(They go back into the living room)

Ross: Carol?

Chandler: Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?

Carol: Sure.

Joey: Uh, does it hurt?

Carol: It did at first, but not anymore.

Joey: Chandler?

Chandler: So, uh, how often can you do it?

Carol: As much as he needs.

Joey: Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is all there.]

Julie: Rachel, do you have any muffins left?

Rachel: Yeah, I forget which ones.

Julie: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one?

All: No thanks.

Julie: (To Rachel) Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her)

Rachel: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath to Chandler) What a bitch.

Julie: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdale's who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it?

Phoebe: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.

Monica: Ok, um, I'll go with you.

Julie: Great.

Ross: (enters) Hi, honey.

Chandler: Hey, sweetums.

Ross: Hello to the rest.

All:  Hi!

Joey: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel?

Monica: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?

Chandler: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.

Monica: But I'm...

Phoebe: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.

Ross: (to Monica) So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?

Monica: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.

Ross: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this.

Monica: You're welcome.

Phoebe: Woof, woof.

[Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling men's cologne.]

Joey: (A guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (An attractive woman walks by.) Hey Annabelle.

Annabelle: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy?

Joey: Who?

Annabelle: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man.

(The Hombre man enters.)

Hombre Man: (to a customer) Hombre? (The guy says yes, and gets his sample.)

Joey: What's he doin' in my section?

Annabelle: I guess he doesn't know.

Joey: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? (To the Hombre Man) Hey, how ya doin'?

Hombre Man: Mornin'.

Joey: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory.

Hombre Man: Your territory, huh?

Joey: Yeah. Bijan for men?

Guy: No thanks.

Hombre Man: Hombre?

Guy: Yeah. All right. (They guy gets his sample and leaves.)

Hombre Man: (To Joey) You were saying?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica enters.]

Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.

Phoebe: What?

Monica: We were shopping, and we had lunch.

Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?

Monica: You had a salad.

Phoebe: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.

Rachel: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up.

Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.

Rachel: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?

Phoebe: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.

Rachel: You went shopping for fur?

Phoebe: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boobs.

Rachel: You bought boobs?

Phoebe: (Monica is yanking on her bra strap) Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.

[Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to sell some cologne.]

Joey: (to a guy) Bijan for men? (to a guy) Bijan for men? (To a woman) Bijan for... (Sees it's a woman and stops.) (To Annabelle who walks up.) Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.

Annabelle: Oh, actually I sorta have plans.

Hombre Man: (entering) Ready, Annabelle?

Annabelle: You bet. (to Joey) Maybe some other time?

Joey: (To a co-worker) Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. (A customer walks by.) Bijan for men? (The customer ignores him, and Joey starts to chase him) Bijan for men?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]

Carol: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep.

Ross: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son.

Susan: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. (Ross looks at her.) Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.

Rachel: Oh, this is so cute.

Susan: Oh, I got that for him.

Ross: My mommies love me. That's clever.

Monica: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju—(Sees Rachel is watching)—Hi, Jew! (Walks into the kitchen.) (Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens) Ok. (Listens) Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. (Hangs up.)

Rachel: Did you just say Hi, Jew?

Monica: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are eating, and Phoebe is preparing Ben's milk.]

Phoebe: Ben, dinner!

Ross: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that.

Phoebe: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. (Squirts some on her wrist and tastes it.)

Chandler: What did you just do?

Phoebe: I licked my arm, what?

Ross: It's breast milk.

Phoebe: So?

Rachel: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person.

Joey: What is the big deal? (Tastes the breast milk.)

Chandler: What did you just do?

Ross: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?

Phoebe: You won't even taste it?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?

Ross: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.  Rachel is entering the living room from her bedroom as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey, where is everybody?

Rachel: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?

Monica: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket.

Rachel: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. (Puts her hand in the pocket) Here are your keys, hon. (She takes the keys out, sets them on the counter, and notices she also grabbed a receipt.)

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?

Monica: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.

Rachel: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket?

Monica: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.

Rachel: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with?

Monica: Judy.

Rachel: Who?

Monica: Julie.

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Jody!

Rachel: You were with Julie?

Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.

Rachel: Oh. Oh my God.

Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.

Rachel: Yeah, right.  Sure!

Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out!

Rachel: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. (Waves the receipt)

Monica: That is not true!

Rachel: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here?

Monica: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?

Rachel: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdale's? (Monica looks away.) Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. (Exits.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ben is playing in his crib while Chandler and Ross are leaning against the rim and are completely asleep.]

Monica: (on the phone) Hi, who's this? (Listens) Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. (Listens) Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. (Listens) Joanne, it's not as simple as all that, ok? (Listens) No, I don't care what Steve thinks. (Listens) Hi, Steve.

(There's a knock on the door which is answered by Phoebe.)

Carol and Susan: Hey! (This wakes Chandler and Ross up)

Carol: How did we do?

Phoebe: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out.

Ross: I did not freak out.

Carol: Why'd you freak out?

Ross: Because it's breast milk. It's gross.

Carol: My breast milk is gross?

Susan: This should be fun.

Ross: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just, I just don't think breast milk is for adults.

Chandler: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.

Carol: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. (Holding out a bottle.)

Ross: (jumping away) That would be no.

Phoebe: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.

Joey: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh...

Susan: Cantaloupe juice.

Joey: Exactly.

Ross: (staring at Susan) You've tasted it? You've tasted it.

Susan: Uh huh.

Ross: Oh, you've tasted it.

Susan: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true.

Ross: (he rolls up his sleeve) Gimme the bottle. (Joey hands him the bottle and Ross squirts some on his arm.) Gimme the towel. (Joey gives him the towel and he wipes it off.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is wiping down the peninsula counter as Joey enters dressed like a cowboy.]

Chandler: Howdy.

Joey: (sitting on the otherside of the counter from Chandler) Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.

Chandler: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed.

Joey: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. (Chandler pours some juice in a glass.) You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.

Chandler: (slides the juice across the counter which Joey catches) What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.

Joey: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. (He downs the glass of juice in one swig.) I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.

Chandler: (pours more and slides the refill to Joey) All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?

Joey: Yeah I guess you're right.

Chandler: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.

Joey: I'm gonna do it. (He downs the juice in one swig again.)

Chandler: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel is cleaning up and Monica is pleading with her.]

Monica: I don't know what else to say.

Rachel: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening.

Monica: I feel terrible, I really do.

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

Monica: Rachel, (they go back inside) say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?

Rachel: Yes.

Monica: It's that terrible?

Rachel: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually (starting to cry), but now she's actually stealing you.

Monica: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, (starting to cry) you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.

Rachel: I love you too. (They hug.)

Phoebe: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. (Joins in on the hug.) Oh, I really needed that. (Goes and sits down.)

Monica: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me?

Rachel: (crying) I'd do anything for you, you know that.

Monica: (crying) I'd do anything for you. (They hug again.)

Phoebe: Wait, wait, wait, wait! (Runs over and joins in on the hug again.)

[Scene: The Department Store, Joey and the Hombre man are facing off in Joey's section.]

Joey: Mornin'. (The Hombre man ignores him) I said, mornin'.

Hombre Man: I heard ya.

Store Guy: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready?

Hombre Man: Ready.

Joey: Yeah, I'm ready.

(An old West style showdown starts with Joey and the Hombre Man staring each other down as the store guy slowly lets in the first customer while Joey and the Hombre Man get ready to draw.  In slow motion they spot the customer, eye each other, draw, and as the customer walks into the middle Joey's bottle misfires but the Hombre Man spays it into the customer's eyes.)

Customer: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing!

Store Guy: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do?

Hombre Man: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Annabelle: (seeing the end result) My god, what happened?

Joey: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now?

Annabelle: Sure.

(They walk off into the sunset, at least a picture of one.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Julie and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Julie: So.

Rachel: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?

Julie: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.

Rachel: Really? Me?

Julie: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't.

Rachel: Well, you're not totally paranoid.

Julie: Oy.

Rachel: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right.

Julie: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something?

Rachel: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.

Julie: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later.

Rachel: All right, Julie.

Julie: Bye. (Gets up.)

Rachel: Bye. (After Julie exits.) What a manipulative bitch.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another showdown is occuring, only this time its between Ross, a plate of cookies, and the breast milk.  They've been eyeing each other for a while now, and Chandler and Joey are getting bored.  He checks his Ross and in frustration, shoves his watch in front of Ross's eyes as if saying, "Hurry it up already!"  Finally, Ross scratches his head, does that again, itches his nose, scratches his head, grabs the bottle, takes a big swig, and piles several cookies into his mouth.]

Ross: (with a mouthful) That's not bad.

End

The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies

Originally written by Michael Curtis and Greg Malins

Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips

With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA: So how was Joan?

CHANDLER: I broke up with her.

CHANDLER: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.

RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge.

CHANDLER: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?

JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.

CHANDLER: You or me?

ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.

JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right?

ALL: Yeah.

JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."

PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.

CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla.

ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason.

(knock)

MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles.

MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again.

MONICA: We're not doing anything.

MR. HECKLES: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.

RACHEL: You don't have birds.

MR. HECKLES: I could have birds.

MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.

MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.

RACHEL: All right, bye-bye.

CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.

ROSS: We'll give you Janice.

PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing."

RACHEL: "Oh, my, god."

JOEY: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!"

MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.

RACHEL: We won. We won!

MONICA: Mr. Heckles.

RACHEL: How did this happen?

MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.

MONICA: That's terrible.

MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure, sweepin'. You never know.

MR. TREEGER: You never know.

PHOEBE: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!

CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.

JOEY: Such as?

PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?

ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: Nah. Not really.

ROSS: You don't believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.

ROSS: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don't buy it.

ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.

PHOEBE: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.

ROSS: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?

PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

(knock)

CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.

MONICA: What can we do for you?

MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine".

MONICA: Well, what about his family?

MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any.

RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money.

MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.

MONICA: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!

RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap?

CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap

JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this?

ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!

ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.

PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it?

ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.

PHOEBE: See, I didn't know that.

ROSS: Well, there you go.

PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?

CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."

JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.

CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.

RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.

MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.

RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.

MONICA: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.

RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff?

MONICA: You don't have any stuff.

RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?

MONICA: No.

RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.

MONICA: Mmmmm.

RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.

ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?

PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.

ROSS: Please tell me you're joking.

PHOEBE: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.

ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because--

PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.

ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears?

JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.

CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal.

PHOEBE: He's even kind of cute.

JOEY: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school.

CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles?

JOEY: That's what it says.

CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?

PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive.

CHANDLER: Whoa!

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.

JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.

CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off?

JOEY: Have you been here all night?

CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.

JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.

CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.

CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"?

JOEY: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.

CHANDLER: How do you know that? How?

JOEY: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.

CHANDLER: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?

JOEY: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?

CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand.

JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?

CHANDLER: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.

JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.

CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, it's me.

JANICE: Oh, my, god.

PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice?

CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?

ROSS: You remember Janice, right?

CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.

JANICE: Helloo!!

CHANDLER: Oh, my, god!

JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got.

JANICE: Hey, it's everybody.

CHANDLER: Janice, you're--

JANICE: Yes, I am.

CHANDLER: Is it--?

JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.

CHANDLER: Congratulations.

JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?

JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun.

MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while?

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Hide the Lamp.

RACHEL: Monica, let it go.

MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?

RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.

PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.

ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.

PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.

ROSS: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?

ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.

PHOEBE: I can't believe you caved.

ROSS: What?

PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?

RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat.

MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.

RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?

MONICA: Phoebe, tell her!

PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.

RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.

CHANDLER: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.

RACHEL: Ok, you win.

MONICA: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.

CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.

PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that?

CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

MONICA: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone.

CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.

RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.

MONICA: You are not a freak. You're a guy.

RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.

MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.

CHANDLER: In a bad way?

MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.

RACHEL: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.

PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!

MONICA: You made it!

PHOEBE: You're there!

RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment!

CHANDLER: Whoa! Don't know about that.

RACHEL: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?

MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.

RACHEL: Thank you.

MONICA: That's fine.

CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.

JOEY: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?

CHANDLER: I'll take that.

JOEY: You want his yearbook?

CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.

MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell.

RACHEL: It's really not that big!

CHANDLER: Takin' that with you, huh?

JOEY: Oh, yeah.

ROSS: You comin'?

CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.

ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"?

CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!)

END

The One With Phoebe's Husband

Originally written by Alexa Junge

Transcribed by Josh Hodge.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is on the phone.]

RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table] OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. [grabs a pot and lid] OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door] It's open you guys.

[a stranger enters with flowers]

STRANGER: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you?

STRANGER: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?

RACHEL: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.

STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. [leaves flowers on bar]

RACHEL: What? [in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away]

STRANGER: Hey, how, how did you do that?

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachels apartment. The whole gang is there.]

JOEY: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married?

PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not married married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card.

MONICA: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve.

MONICA: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

ROSS: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental.

PHOEBE: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend.

MONICA: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

ALL: Huuh.

MONICA: Well, didn't you?

PHOEBE: I might have.

MONICA: I can't believe you didn't tell me.

PHOEBE: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything.

MONICA: What have I not told you?

PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.

RACHEL: What!

MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you? [turns to Chandler who's looking sheepish] You are dead meat.

CHANDLER: I didn't know it was a big secret.

MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.

PHOEBE: You have a third nipple?

CHANDLER: You bitch.

ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out.

CHANDLER: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.

RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

JOEY: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.

ROSS: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?

JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.

ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.

CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie.

ALL: Huuh.

CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.

ROSS: You were in a porno?

JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.

MONICA: That is wild.

ROSS: [to Chandler] So what's it shaped like?

PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it?

JOEY: What happens if you flick it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.]

ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?

CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.

CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?

ROSS: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know?

RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.

MONICA: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it.

RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it.

[Phoebe enters all dressed up]

ALL: Woah.

JOEY: Foxy lady.

JULIE: Where you goin'?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.

JOEY: The Ice Capades?

CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.

MONICA: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all over again.

PHOEBE: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband.

ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid] Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?

CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .

[Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables.]

ROSS: OK sweetie, I'll see you later.

JULIE: See you later Rach.

RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. [Julie leaves]

[Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.]

RACHEL: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

[Ross kicks her again]

RACHEL: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.

ROSS: Hey?

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Can I ask you somethin'?

RACHEL: Sure.

ROSS: Naa.

RACHEL: What? C'mon, talk to me.

ROSS: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex?

RACHEL: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex?

ROSS: Technically, huh, no.

RACHEL: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school?

ROSS: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . .

RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need to know the details.

ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.

RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think it's sexy.

ROSS: Sexy?

RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.

ROSS: No kidding?

RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I'd wait.

ROSS: You'd wait?

RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some more.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working.

ROSS: Women really want this?

RACHEL: More than jewelry. [Rachel struts off, extremely pleased with herself]

[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Duncan's dressing room.]

PHOEBE: Hi.

DUNCAN: Phoebe!

PHOEBE: Ta-da.

DUNCAN: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hi.

DUNCAN: Ahh, look at you, you look great.

PHOEBE: Do I? Thank you, so do you.

DUNCAN: Thanks.

PHOEBE: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice.

DUNCAN: You always said I'd make it.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo.

DUNCAN: I missed you. [they hug] I'm gonna get changed.

PHOEBE: OK.

DUNCAN: Um, now. Phoebs.

PHOEBE: Oh, right, OK. Ole.

DUNCAN: What?

PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncan leaves] Ole, ha ha ha.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table.]

ROSS: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks. [hands her a bowl and kisses her]

[Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don't notice.]

CHANDLER: Uh, Julie.

JULIE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright.

ROSS: Hi everyone.

ALL: Hi.

ROSS: [pulls Rachel aside] I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before.

RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?

ROSS: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.

RACHEL: What did, what did he say?

ROSS: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . .

[Scene: Ross's apartment. After dinner. Chandler enters.]

CHANDLER: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie.

ROSS: Pop it in.

JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. [Chandler puts the tape in]

RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.

ROSS: What's wrong with people having sex?

RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.

MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey.

[video starts with the cheesy porn disco music]

JULIE: So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind.

CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

MONICA: All I say is, she better get the job.

ROSS: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's bad fo r the paper tray.

CHANDLER: Nice work my friend.

JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and Duncan enters.]

PHOEBE: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday.

DUNCAN: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce.

PHOEBE: Ohh. . .K. How come?

DUNCAN: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again.

PHOEBE: What?

DUNCAN: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.

PHOEBE: Huuh.

DUNCAN: Yeah, I know, I.

PHOEBE: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.

DUNCAN: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.

PHOEBE: So how long have you known?

DUNCAN: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in.

PHOEBE: And um, and there's actually a, a woman?

DUNCAN: Her name's Debra.

PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?

DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.

PHOEBE: Sure.

DUNCAN: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way.

PHOEBE: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'

DUNCAN: I'm, I'm still me.

PHOEBE: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago?

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Everyone is sitting around. Monica enters from bathroom.]

MONICA: You know, it still smells like monkey in there.

JULIE: That saves us a conversation.

CHANDLER: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped.

JOEY: Me too, we should get goin'.

RACHEL: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore.

MONICA: Rachel, that's all we do.

RACHEL: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie?

JULIE: What about Julie?

RACHEL: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything.

JULIE: Well, that could take a while.

RACHEL: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie?

CHANDLER: I got the time to get to know Julie.

JOEY: I got time.

MONICA: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? [Rachel gives her a look from hell] That's fine.

RACHEL: OK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like?

JULIE: Well, in a nutshell. . .

RACHEL: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers.]

PHOEBE: So, um, have you told your parents?

DUNCAN: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight so. . .

PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either answer would make me feel better.

DUNCAN: I love you Phoebe. [they hug and kiss]

PHOEBE: So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Julie is telling her live story.]

JULIE: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.

RAHCEL: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb?

JULIE: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.

RACHEL: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?

CHANDLER: I'm goin' home.

RACHEL: What?

[Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit]

JOEY: Boy that Julie's a talker, huh?

ROSS: Goodnight.

RACHEL: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning on. . .

ROSS: Oh, no no, I am.

RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous?

ROSS: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before.

RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce?

ROSS: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what happens.

RAHCEL: OK, gook luck.

ROSS: Wha, uhh, what?

RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.

ROSS: OK, now I'm nervous.

RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off.

ROSS: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.

RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry.

ROSS: What, it's not your fault.

RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.

ROSS: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.

RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.

ROSS: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. [goes back in apartment]

RACHEL: Ohh, God.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.]

ROSS: Good morning.

OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got some last night.

ROSS: Twice.

END

The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant

Originally written by Chris Brown

Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu]

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.

[Scene: At Chandler and Joey's. Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.]

ROSS: Man, I sure miss Julie.

CHANDLER: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. (phone rings)

ROSS: You ever figure out what that thing's for?

CHANDLER: No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned.

(MACHINE--JOEY'S VOICE): Here comes the beep, you know what to do.

JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?

CHANDLER: What?

JADE: I got a little drunk...and naked.

CHANDLER: Bob here.

CHANDLER: (on phone) What've you been up to?

JADE: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.

CHANDLER: Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. (to Ross) I love her.

ROSS: I know.

CHANDLER: I'm back.

JADE: So, are we gonna get together or what?

CHANDLER: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?

JADE: Great, I'll see you then.

CHANDLER: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.

ROSS: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "hey, you're not Bob."

CHANDLER: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.

ROSS: Oh my god. You are pure evil.

CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.

(At Monica and Rachel's)

ROSS: (on phone) Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico.

ALL: Hi, Julie!

RACHEL: (sarcastically) Hi, Julie.

CHANDLER: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.

PHOEBE: Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20?

CHANDLER: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.

JOEY: Do we need a cake?

CHANDLER: Look guys, I know it's a little steep.

RACHEL: Yeah, whoosh!

CHANDLER: But it's Ross.

PHOEBE: It's Ross.

JOEY: All right.

CHANDLER: I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing.

ROSS: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you?

CHANDLER: You know, I think I might just.

RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?

JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.

PHOEBE: Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?

RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?

JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there.

PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross.

JOEY: For Ross.

RACHEL: For Ross, Ross, Ross.

MONICA: (enters) Oh my god.

RACHEL: Hey.

JOEY: Hi.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.

JOEY: If it's not you, this is a horrible story.

MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice.

JOEY: Yeah, someplace nice. (to Phoebe and Rachel) How much do you think I can get for my kidney? (at Central Perk)

ROSS: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this.

CHANDLER: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods.

ROSS: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.

CHANDLER: We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.

ROSS: Go over there and tell that woman the truth.

CHANDLER: All right.

ROSS: Go.

CHANDLER: Hi.

JADE: Hi.

CHANDLER: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.

JADE: Yes?

CHANDLER: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.

JADE: How did you--?

CHANDLER: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?

JADE: Thanks.

CHANDLER: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.

(At Somplace Nice)

ROSS: Ok, ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed head lunch chef--

MONICA: Who is also in charge of purchasing.

ROSS: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing--

MONICA: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.

ROSS: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister--

MONICA: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!

JOEY: Cool.

PHOEBE: Let's see!

ROSS: That's fine, I'll just wait!

MONICA: Oh, sorry.

JOEY: Sorry, sorry.

ROSS: Monica!

(glasses clinking)

WAITER: Are we ready to order?

RACHEL: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet.

WAITER: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.

PHOEBE: Wow, look at these prices.

RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.

JOEY: What are these, like famous chickens?

CHANDLER: Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?

ROSS: Well, pretty incredible according to the message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?

CHANDLER: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.

ROSS: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?

WAITER: Do I dare ask?

MONICA: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.

ROSS: That sounds great. Same for me.

WAITER: And for the gentleman?

JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?

WAITER: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss?

RACHEL: Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers) side salad.

WAITER: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of?

RACHEL: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

WAITER: And for you?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.

CHANDLER: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish.

WAITER: Anything else?

CHANDLER: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?

ROSS: (using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks.

RACHEL: Um, everyone?

ROSS: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry.

JOEY: Thank you.

ROSS: Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay.

MONICA: Oh, thank you!

ROSS: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece.

PHOEBE: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.

CHANDLER: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just...

ROSS: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what we had. It's no big deal.

PHOEBE: Not for you.

MONICA: All right, what's goin' on?

RACHEL: Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable.

PHOEBE: Fine. All right, fine.

JOEY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: You can tell us.

ROSS: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine.

JOEY: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't have as much money as you.

MONICA: Ok.

ROSS: I hear ya.

CHANDLER: We can talk about that.

PHOEBE: Well, then...Let's.

ROSS: I, I just never think of money as an issue.

RACHEL: That's 'cause you have it.

ROSS: That's a good point.

CHANDLER: So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?

JOEY: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla.

ROSS: Wha--? Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative--there's gonna be a hoopla?

RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing.

MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift.

ROSS: G-gift? The thing's not the gift?

CHANDLER: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.

ROSS: Hootie and the--oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio.

PHOEBE: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.

ROSS: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together.

MONICA: All of us.

CHANDLER: Together.

ROSS: Not at the concert.

RACHEL: Ok.

JOEY: Yeah.

RACHEL: Thank you.

JOEY: Thanks.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

CHANDLER: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?

(at Monica and Rachel's)

CHANDLER: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?

MONICA: I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.

PHOEBE: Oh, it's like a skit.

MONICA: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe.

ROSS: Whoo!

PHOEBE: Cool.

MONICA: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank-you.

ROSS: But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in the envelope?

CHANDLER: By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall.

ROSS: Come on.

CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish!

MONICA: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our treat.

PHOEBE: So...Thank you.

ROSS: Could you be less enthused?

JOEY: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like--

MONICA: Like?

JOEY: Charity.

MONICA: Charity?

ROSS: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here.

RACHEL: Ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this big.

PHOEBE: Actually, it makes us feel that big.

ROSS: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you guys.

CHANDLER: If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.

JOEY: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel.

RACHEL: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this.

PHOEBE: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.

RACHEL: Me neither.

JOEY: Me too.

MONICA: Guys, we bought the tickets.

PHOEBE: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.

CHANDLER: Why did you look at me when you said that?

MONICA: Well, I guess now we can't go.

RACHEL: What? Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do everything together?

MONICA: You know what? You're right.

PHOEBE: Fine.

ROSS: Fine.

JOEY: Fine.

CHANDLER: Fine.

RACHEL: Fine.

MONICA: All right. We're gonna go. It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then.

ROSS: Chandler!

CHANDLER: Yeah?

ROSS: Geez! Are you ready?

CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.

ROSS: Whoa! You had sex today?

CHANDLER: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.

ROSS: Wow.

CHANDLER: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.

(phone rings)

ROSS: Still doing the screening thing?

CHANDLER: I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again.

MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.

JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.

CHANDLER: Bob here.

JADE: Oh, hi.

CHANDLER: So, uh, you met someone, huh?

JADE: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago.

CHANDLER: So, uh, how was he?

JADE: Eh.

CHANDLER: Eh?

JADE: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.

CHANDLER: Well, that makes me feel so good.

JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy.

ROSS: (silently mouthing) Bumpy?

CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.

JADE: Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I mean?

(at the concert)

MONICA: You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.

ROSS: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here.

CHANDLER: So, let's go.

ROSS: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now.

MONICA: You know, the guys are probably having a great time.

(at Monica and Rachel's)

JOEY: Come on you guys, one more time.

PHOEBE: Ok. One.

JOEY: Nooo.

MONICA: That was amazing!

ROSS: Excellent, that was excellent.

CHANDLER: I can't believe the guys missed this.

ROSS: What guys? Oh, yeah.

STEVE: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you?

MONICA: Do I know you?

STEVE: You used to be my babysitter.

MONICA: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been?

STEVE: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now.

MONICA: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.

STEVE: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.

MONICA: Uh, wait, backstage?

STEVE: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band.

ROSS: Ross.

CHANDLER: Chandler.

STEVE: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones who fooled around with my dad?

(at Central Perk)

ROSS: Hey, you guys.

RACHEL: Happy birthday.

ROSS: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night?

RACHEL: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?

MONICA: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him?

RACHEL: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad?

MONICA: Uh, good.

ROSS: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust.

CHANDLER: Yeah, we really missed you guys.

JOEY: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is really stupid.

PHOEBE: We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get--is that a hickey?

MONICA: No, I just, I fell down.

RACHEL: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey?

MONICA: You know, a party, or--

RACHEL: What party?

ROSS: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band.

JOEY: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?

CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this.

RACHEL: Who gave you that hickey?

MONICA: That would be the work of a Blowfish.

RACHEL: Oh!

PHOEBE: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck".

ROSS: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know.

RACHEL: What, as part of your poor friends outreach program?

(Monica's pager goes off)

MONICA: It's work.

CHANDLER: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it.

JOEY: And we don't work hard?

MONICA: (on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a page.

CHANDLER: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.

JOEY: And you feel like we hold you back.

CHANDLER: Yes.

RACHEL: Oh!

CHANDLER: No.

MONICA: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just got fired.

PHOEBE: Oh.

(Everyone goes over to comfort Monica)

WAITRESS: Here's your check. That'll be $4.12.

JOEY: Let me get that. (to Chandler) You got five bucks?

MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.

JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...

(Joey lunges for phone and misses.)

END

The One With the Baby on the Bus

Originally written by Betsy Borns

Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu]

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.

[Scene: At Monica and Rachel's.]

MONICA: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry. Don't cry. Why is he still crying?

ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.

MONICA: Maye it's me.

ROSS: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.

CHANDLER: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.

ROSS: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)

MONICA: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)

CHANDLER: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.)

JOEY: Cool.

MONICA: He hates me. My nephew hates me.

ROSS: Come on, don't do this.

MONICA: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then?

CHANDLER: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Joey, she does not look fat.

(Chandler has a basketball which he is moving closer to, then away from, Monica)

JOEY: Goo, goo, goo, waaah!

MONICA: That is so funny. Let me see that. (throws the ball out the window)

JOEY: Are you ok, Ross?

ROSS: I don't know. What's in this pie?

MONICA: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi--

ROSS: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie.

MONICA: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.

ROSS: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.

MONICA: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and--oh my god.

ROSS: Ugh.

MONICA: Oh my god.

ROSS: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse.

MONICA: Is your tongue swelling up?

ROSS: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.

MONICA: All right, get your coat, we're going to the hospital.

JOEY: Is he gonna be ok?

MONICA: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.

ROSS: You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?

MONICA: Jacket now.

ROSS: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.

CHANDLER: We'll watch him.

ROSS: I don't think tho.

JOEY: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don't we?

CHANDLER: I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window.

ROSS: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag.

JOEY: Hat, milk, got it.

ROSS: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro--a thro thro!

JOEY: Consider it done.

CHANDLER: You understood that?

JOEY: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.

CHANDLER: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?

(Central Perk)

PHOEBE: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.

RACHEL: Ok.

PHOEBE: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

TERRY: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?

RACHEL: What's up?

TERRY: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good.

RACHEL: But what about Phoebe?

TERRY: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.

TERRY: Uh--

RACHEL: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?

PHOEBE: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed.

(Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben)

CHANDLER: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?

JOEY: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.

CHANDLER: No, I got him.

JOEY: No, seriously.

CHANDLER: Oh, seriously you want him?

CAROLINE: Hello.

BOYS: Hello.

CAROLINE: And who is this little cutie pie?

CHANDLER: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?

JOEY: You wanna smell him?

CAROLINE: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

JOEY: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.

CAROLINE: I think my uterus just skipped a beat.

JOEY: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

CAROLINE: I think it's great you guys are doing this.

CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys.

CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?

(Central Perk)

PHOEBE: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.

RACHEL: Honey, I'm sorry.

PHOEBE: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.

RACHEL: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from.

PHOEBE: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could.

RACHEL: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything.

TERRY: I, I don't know.

RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.

TERRY: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?

RACHEL: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.

TERRY: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.

RACHEL: Done.

PHOEBE: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe?

PHOEBE: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get?

RACHEL: What?

PHOEBE: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing.

RACHEL: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional.

PHOEBE: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.

RACHEL: Well, but Pheebs.

PHOEBE: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play. (Out on the sidewalk, singing) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la....

ROSS: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun.

DOCTOR: Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction.

MONICA: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.

ROSS: Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea?

MONICA: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally.

DOCTOR: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.

ROSS: Tho?

(Monica shakes her head.)

ROSS: Ohhh.

MONICA: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?

ROSS: Ok.

MONICA: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!

CHANDLER: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!

JOEY: Hey, hey, look at that talent.

CHANDLER: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.

GIRL 1 ON BUS: Hey, you. He's just adorable.

CHANDLER: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink.

GIRL 2 ON BUS: So what are you guys out doing today?

JOEY: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.

CHANDLER: You done?

JOEY: Yeah.

GIRL 1: Oh, there's our stop.

JOEY: Get outta here. This is our stop too.

GIRL 2: You guys live around here too?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.

CHANDLER: You know it?

JOEY: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink?

GIRL 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's?

CHANDLER: Oh, sure, they love us over there.

GIRL 2: Where's your baby?

CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!

CHANDLER: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.

BOTH: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait!

MONICA: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts.

DOCTOR: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here is the puncture wound from your ring.

ROSS: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate.

PHOEBE: (singing) ... with the double double double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.

PHOEBE: Right. My name was on there, but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?

STEPHANIE: All of them.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, so you know D?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok, do you know A minor?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?

STEPHANIE: No.

PHOEBE: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes a face)

CHANDLER: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er.

JOEY: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again.

RACHEL: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to--

PHOEBE: (singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk!

RACHEL: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.

STEPHANIE: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing) Zachary.

PHOEBE: (singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite me!

CHANDLER AND JOEY: Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?

TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY: He's here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father.

CHANDLER: That's me.

JOEY: I'm him.

CHANDLER: Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)

BOTH (but to different babies): Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!

CHANDLER: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.

JOEY: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.

CHANDLER: Ok.

JOEY: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.

CHANDLER: Yeah?

JOEY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.

JOEY: Ahh!

CHANDLER: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?

JOEY: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.

CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?

JOEY: You got a better idea?

CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air.

JOEY: Heads.

CHANDLER: Heads it is.

JOEY: Yes! Whew!

CHANDLER: We have to assign heads to something.

JOEY: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

CHANDLER: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

(on the sidewalk outside Central Perk)

RACHEL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh, hi.

RACHEL: Here. I thought you might be cold.

PHOEBE: Thank you.

RACHEL: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.

PHOEBE: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.

RACHEL: Do you?

PHOEBE: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide", I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat", I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.

RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh!

PHOEBE: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money.

RACHEL: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat".

PHOEBE: Really? From who?

RACHEL: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.

KID: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Here you go.

KID: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!

(chez Monica and Rachel)

ROSS: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand.

MONICA: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.

ROSS: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?

MONICA: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle?

ROSS: Oh.

MONICA: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin?

ROSS: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb?

MONICA: No. But I remember people telling me about it.

ROSS: I hope Ben has a little sister.

MONICA: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.

ROSS: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?

MONICA: That was you?

ROSS: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it.

MONICA: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's not crying.

CHANDLER: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying.

(Ben starts crying)

JOEY: Yes! There's still pie.

ROSS: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.

ROSS: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus--Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?

CHANDLER: You, you are gonna love this.

ROSS: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here.

CHANDLER: Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run!

STEPHANIE: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

PHOEBE: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat".

STEPHANIE: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat...

PHOEBE: Better. Yeah.

STEPHANIE: Yeah?

PHOEBE: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: You wanna try it again?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. From the top?

PHOEBE: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me?

STEPHANIE: Ok.

PHOEBE: Mmmm hmmm.

TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault.

PHOEBE: That's too much. Sorry.

END

The One Where Ross Finds Out

Originally written by Michael Borkow

Transcribed by Josh Hodge

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.]

CHAN: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me?

RACH: So, how was the party?

CHAN: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive?

PHOE: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everyting.

CHAN: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?

PHOE: No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation.

MNCA: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.

CHAN: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.

MNCA: Please.

ALL: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.

CHAN: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.

PHOE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make.... hands... meet....

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is there.]

CHAN: OK, let's do it. [Monica looks at him funny] What?

MNCA: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.

CHAN: And we're changing. [jogs back in his apartment]

[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]

[Scene: Back in Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is doing situps.]

MNCA: C'mon give me five more. Five more.

CHAN: [weakly] No.

MNCA: Five more and I'll flash you.

CHAN: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.]

CHAN: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.

[Phoebe enters.]

RACH: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?

PHOE: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice.

JOEY: The guy still won't put out, huh?

PHOE: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.

ALL: Sorry Phoebs.

PHOE: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?

JOEY: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.

PHOE: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.

JOEY: Maybe he's. . . gay.

PHOE: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something.

RACH: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?

PHOE: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.

[Monica enters.]

MNCA: [to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes.

CHAN: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.

PHOE: [seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window] Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.

RACH: What? [looks, feigns indifference] C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?

RACH: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.

JOEY: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .?

RACH: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.

CHAN: So you really OK about all this?

RACH: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.

[Ross and Julie enter.]

ROSS: Hi guys.

ALL: Hey.

ROSS: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK?

MNCA: Only if you say his full name.

ROSS: [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.

MNCA: Alright.

JOEY: [to Ross] You're getting a cat?

ROSS: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.

RACH: Together?

ROSS: Uh huh.

RACH: Both of you?

ROSS: Yep.

RACH: Together.

JULIE: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time.

RACH: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.

ROSS: Hopefully.

RACH: Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave.

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael (MICH).]

MICH: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.

RACH: [distracted] How long do cats live?

MICH: [confused] I'm sorry?

RACH: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something?

MICH: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.

RACH: That's just great. [she picks up her champagne and starts drinking]

MICH: Um, cheers.

RACH: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass]

MICH: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?

RACH: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.

MICH: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.

RACH: I mean he just started going out with her.

MICH: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?

RACH: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you.

MICH: Alright.

RACH: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]

PHOE: So, I figured it out.

JOEY: What?

PHOE: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.

JOEY: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."

PHOE: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.

JOEY: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him.

PHOE: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug]

[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.]

[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.]

RACH: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something? [belligerently] What're they called, what're they called, what're they called?

MICH: Fruitflies?

RACH: Yes! Thank you.

[The waiter comes to the table.]

WAITER: So, would you like any dessert?

MICH: No! No dessert, just a check, please.

RACH: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?

MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.

RACH: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?

MICH: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.

RACH: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?

MICH: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you."

RACH: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair]

GUY: Hang on.

RACH: Hello, excuse me.

GUY: What.

RACH: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.

GUY: I'm talkin'!

RACH: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone.

GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you back. [hands the phone to her]

RACH: Thank you. OK. [dials] [to Michael] Machine. Just waiting for the beep.

MICH: Good.

RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.]

CHAN: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.

MNCA: Why not?

CHAN: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.

MNCA: OK, if you say stop, then we stop.

CHAN: OK, stop.

MNCA: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica] Woo.

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross enters.]

ROSS: Hey Rach.

RACH: Ahhhh.

ROSS: Oh. And how was the date?

RACH: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . .

[Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can't place what it is.]

ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?

RACH: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember.

ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy]

RACH: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?

ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's last night.

RACH: Huh.

ROSS: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?

RACH: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.]

ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses] Who's Michael?

[Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.]

RACH: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.]

ROSS: You're over me?

RACH: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back]

ROSS: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?

RACH: Ohh, ohh.

ROSS: When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What?

RACH: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.

ROSS: You've had feelings for me?

RACH: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.

ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know?

RACH: Chandler told me.

ROSS: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he?

RACH: When you were in China.

ROSS: China.

RACH: Meeting Julie.

ROSS: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me?

RACH: Are you over me?

[A moment of silence.]

ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie.

JULIE: [over intercom] Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting.

ROSS: [perky] I'll be right down.

RACH: Wait, so, you're going?

ROSS: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.

RACH: OK, OK.

ROSS: Cat. [leaves]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.]

PHOE: Hey Joey.

JOEY: Hey Phoebs.

PHOE: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?

JOEY: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you.

PHOE: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.

JOEY: And?

PHOE: And we did.

JOEY: All right Phoebs, way to go.

PHOE: Yay me.

JOEY: So, so how did it happen?

PHOE: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.

JOEY: And what did he say?

PHOE: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.

JOEY: Wow.

PHOE: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.

JOEY: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.

PHOE: Um-hum.

JOEY: This man is my God.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in. Get your Kleenex.]

RACH: Hi.

ROSS: I didn't get a cat.

RACH: Oh, that's um, interesting.

ROSS: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting.

RACH: Alright, I got it Ross.

ROSS: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.

RACH: [hurt] What?

ROSS: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.

RACH: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?

ROSS: Then you should have said something before I met her.

RACH: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me.

ROSS: There was never a good time.

RACH: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.

ROSS: Not, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.

RACH: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point?

ROSS: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.

RACH: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?

ROSS: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.

RACH: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.

ROSS: Fine.

RACH: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.

ROSS: Good.

RACH: Good. [Ross leaves]

[Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.]

RACH: And ya know what, now I've got closure.

[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.]

ROSS: Try the bottom one.

[She opens the door and they kiss.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler answers the door to find Monica.]

CLOSING CREDITS

CHAN: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over.

MNCA: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'.

CHAN: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret.

MNCA: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What?

CHAN: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.

MNCA: Well, thanks.

CHAN: I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.

MNCA: Well, you know.

CHAN: You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.

MNCA: [sad] Uh-huh.

CHAN: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.

MNCA: Well no, but um.

CHAN: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.

MNCA: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . .

CHAN: So, you feel like goin' for a run?

MNCA: Alright.

CHAN: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.

MNCA: OK. Just for a little while.

CHAN: OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room]

END

The One With the List

Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane

Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu]

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing the night before.]

RACH: Ross kissed me.

MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

RACH: It was unbelievable!

MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?

RACH: Oh, it ended very well.

PHOE: Oh.

MNCA: [getting the wine] Do not start without me. Do not start without me.

PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?

RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?

RACH: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.

PHOE/MNCA: Ohhhh.

[Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza.]

ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.

JOEY: Tongue?

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: Cool.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there; Chandler is showing everyone his new computer.]

CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.

PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff.

MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.

JOEY: [reading over her shoulder] Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?

MNCA: There's an ad for a naked chef?

JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... [rubs his fingers together]

[Ross enters, distraught.]

ROSS: Hi.

PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night?

ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful

MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.

ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?

JOEY: You got all that from saline solution?

MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.

ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... [Rachel enters, carrying a tray]... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.

RACH: [to Ross] Hey, you.

ROSS: How are you?

RACH: Good. How are you?

ROSS: Good.

[Julie enters.]

JULIE: Hi, honey.

ROSS: Hi, Julie. [nervous] Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you?

JULIE: Good.

ROSS: [uncomfortable] Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe?

PHOE: Oh, well, actually.

ROSS: [impatient] Play it.

PHOE: Ok, all right.

JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.

JULIE: What?

ROSS: [to Joey] Ssshh.

PHOE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night".

[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, realizing the song is about their situation.]

PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's (RTST) office. Monica is there about a job.]

RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo.

MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.

RTST: Mockolate.

MNCA: I'm sorry?

RTST: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.

MNCA: Ohh.

[He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.]

RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.

MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm.

[She tastes it, and obviously hates it.]

RTST: Yeah?

MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to show it] I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.

RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.

MNCA: [still chewing] Mmm-mmm.

RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.

MNCA: Wow.

RTST: Aren't you going to swallow that?

MNCA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.

RTST: Yeah, isn't that great?

MNCA: [with false enthusiasm] Mmm.

RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested?

MNCA: Abso...[swallows hard]...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.

RTST: Really?

MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are there. Monica is suggesting Mockolate recipes to Phoebe.]

MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse?

PHOE: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.

MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?

PHOE: What makes it pilgrim?

MNCA: We'll put buckles on it.

[Rachel enters.]

RACH: Hey.

PHOE: Hey.

MNCA: Hey.

RACH: Did uh, Ross call?

MNCA: No, I'm sorry.

RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."

PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]

ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.

CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.

JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for the computer]

CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.

JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.

[Ross gives him an insulted look.]

CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.

ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?

CHAN: No, Amish boy.

JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.

ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.

JOEY: You could say that.

ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.

CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?

ROSS: I don't know.

JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.

CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?

ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica has made food for Phoebe and Rachel to taste.]

MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.

[Rachel takes a bite.]

RACH: Oh my god.

MNCA: Oh my god good?

RACH: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.

[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.]

PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is on the phone with a computer hotline.]

CHAN: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?

[Ross enters with a melancholy look.]

JOEY: [to Ross] Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart?

ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.

CHAN: [in phone] So, Spock actually hugs his father?

[Rachel enters.]

RACH: Hey, do you guys have...[sees Ross, pauses]...hi.

ROSS: Hi.

RACH: [sees his coat on] Where you goin'?

ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's.

RACH: [dejected] Oh.

ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing.

RACH: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think?

[Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing his head towards Ross.]

ROSS: Well, uh.

JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes.

RACH: Really?

ROSS: Really. It's always been you, Rach.

[Ross and Rachel hug.]

RACH: Oh, god.

JOEY/CHAN: Ohhh.

RACH: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good.

ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it's almost...[turns around, sees Chandler and Joey] What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them?

RACH: Let me get my coat.

ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat.

[Ross leaves.]

RACH: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. [notices Chandler's computer screen] What's that?

CHAN: [nervous] What? Nothing.

[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.]

RACH: What's that? What? I saw my name. What is it?

CHAN: No, no, see? See? [the printer starts to run] Hey, it's printing. [to Joey, rattled] Hey, it's printing!

[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.]

RACH: Well what is it? Let me see.

[Ross walks back in, Rachel's coat in hand.]

ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat?

RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see.

ROSS: He won't? [remembers what it is] He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story you were writing?

CHAN: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing.

RACH: And I'm in it? Then let me read it.

CHAN, JOEY, ROSS: No!

RACH: Come on.

JOEY: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her?

[Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who thinks he has come up with a good idea.]

CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."

ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world.

RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.

ROSS: No, you don't.

RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it to herself.]

RACH: What is this? Ross, what is this?

CHAN: Good luck.

[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.]

ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?

RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?

ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.

RACH: Just a waitress?

ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach?

RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!

[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.]

ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.

RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.

[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.]

ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra--Rachel?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]

CHAN: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary.

MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.

PHOE: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.

JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.

PHOE: What?

MNCA: What?

CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.

MNCA: This was your idea?

PHOE: What were you thinking?

CHAN: [squirming] All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.

MNCA: Yeah. You!

CHAN: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?

PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.]

ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please!

RACH: [coldly] When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape.

ROSS: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list.

RACH: Not interested.

[Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.]

ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben.

[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.]

ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.

JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin'?

ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do.

[He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.]

CHAN: What are you doing out there?

ROSS: I am, uh, I am...

MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate?

[Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the door.]

ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance.

[Rachel opens the door.]

RACH: No.

ROSS: No?

RACH: That's what I said.

CHAN: Look, maybe we should go?

RACH: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking.

ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel.

RACH: [near tears] No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.

RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. [to the others] I said don't go!

ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.

RACH: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.

[She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.]

JOEY: [quietly] I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know? [Ross stares blankly at him] Maybe a little longer.

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]

MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.

RTST: Doesn't matter.

MNCA: What?

RTST: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.

MNCA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to her] Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?

MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some.

RTST: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are there.]

(phone rings)

MNCA: Hello?

[Ross is at his apartment.]

ROSS: Hi.

RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down.

MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time.

ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me?

MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the phone] [to Rachel] Music?

[Monica turns on the radio.]

RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You plays)

[Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.]

RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]

RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again.

MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.

RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?

MNCA: Cat hair.

RTST: Oh, sorry.

END

The One With Phoebe's Dad

Originally written by Jeffrey Astroff and Mike Sikowitz

Transcribed by Josh Hodge.

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan SIlverstein.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.

[Chandler and Joey enter.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?

CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.

MONICA: Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies.

CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is.

JOEY: You gave him cookies?

MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that.

PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.

CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?

PHOEBE: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them.

ROSS: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?

RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super.

[There's a bang at the door.]

MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.

[Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper.

JOEY: Oh my God.

RACHEL: What?

JOEY: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this.

[Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.]

RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.

MONICA: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.

ROSS: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working behind the counter.]

JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.

CHANDLER: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.

[Ross enters with several bags from shopping.]

ROSS: Hey guys.

CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.

[Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]

ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . .

RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?

ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off] Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?

GUNTHER: Yeah.

ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches]

ROSS: Hey guys.

CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: What's in the bag?

ROSS: Um, just some presents.

JOEY: C'mon show us what you bought. . . You know you want to.

ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.

MONICA: Cute.

ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom.

[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]

MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous!

ROSS: Yeah?

MONICA: Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believe military academy.

[Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

GANG: Hey. Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees Ross's picture frame] Oh my God, where did you get this?

ROSS: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.

PHOEBE: This is my father, this is a picture of my dad.

CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.

PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you.

RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison.

PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.

RACHEL: How have you never been on Oprah?

PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy.

MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.

PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother. [turns to leave]

MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey.

GANG: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves]

MONICA: Wow.

JOEY: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . .

GANG: Joey!

JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears!

[Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.]

GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston. [scratches out name] Gone.

[Phoebe enters.]

GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe.

PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook.

PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?

GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see... um.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures] This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation.

PHOEBE: OK, is this really my father?

GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--I can't... well of course it is.

PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.

GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . .

PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.

GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.

PHOEBE: Oh God.

GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder.

PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?

GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.

PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?

GRANDMOTHER: Honey.

PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh.

GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out] This is the real him.

PHOEBE: Oh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating the Christmas tree.]

CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.

RACHEL: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.

CHANDLER: Who said anything about Christmas?

[Monica and Ross enter.]

MONICA: Hi.

ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet?

RACHEL: No, nothin'.

MONICA: I hope she's OK.

JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through.

MONICA: How do you know exactly what she's going through?

JOEY: She told us.

CHANDLER: So whaddya got there Monica?

MONICA: Just some stuff for the party.

ROSS: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping?

MONICA: You guys haven't gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya gonna do?

CHANDLER: Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?

RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box]

MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.

JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.

[Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.]

ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me.

RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . .

ROSS: C'mon Rachel.

RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.

ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said.

RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair]

[Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone]

PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up]

[Phoebe's grandmother enters]

GRANDMOTHER: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name.

GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going?

PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math.

GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.

PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know.

GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived.

PHOEBE: Whattaya mean?

GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab.

PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you.

GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein]

Commercial

[Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey walks up.]

JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet?

CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.

JOEY: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7.

CHANDLER: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time.

[Phoebe drives up in the cab]

JOEY: Hey, here she comes.

Chandler: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back seat, Chandler in the front]

PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.

CHANDLER: Eeeshk.

JOEY: Yeah, big stuff.

PHOEBE: OK, let's go.

CHANDLER: OK.

PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have to hold this. [hands Chandler a piece of paper]

CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas right?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet.

CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt] Where's my seat belt?

PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it. [Chandler jumps out of the car]

CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey!

JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and Chandler are thrown back in the seat]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.]

ROSS: C'mon, just tell me, please, please.

MONICA: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive.

[Rachel enters from her room]

RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.

MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could you turn the heat down please?

ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .

MONICA: Ross, the heat!

ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.

RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator?

ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.

MONICA: Well put it back.

ROSS: It uhh, it won't go back.

RACHEL: I'll call the super.

MONICA: Here, let me try.

ROSS: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.

MONICA: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny.

RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.

ROSS: OK, tip the man.

MONICA: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party.

ROSS: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. The cab pulls up.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass wall in the cab]

CHANDLER: Oh, so that's what this is for.

PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

JOEY: Sure is.

PHOEBE: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in.

CHANDLER: Alright.

JOEY: Good luck Phoebs.

PHOEBE: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'. [she just sits in the cab]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the heat.]

RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom.

ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?

MONICA: [carrying an ice cube tray] Ice, ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright.

ROSS: Monica, Monica, your guest are turning into jerky, OK.

MONICA: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it]

RACHEL: [answering the door] Mr. Treeger.

MR. TREEGER: Uhh, you said there was a party.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna.

MR. TREEGER: Ahh, is it hot? My body always stays cool, probably 'cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese!

[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the super.]

ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything.

MONICA: No, I will not cave.

RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon.

ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas.

[Gives him the cash.]

MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back.

ROSS: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now?

MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday.

MONICA: Ross.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: [to Ross] Looks like he's playin' baseball.

ROSS: You mean hardball?

MONICA: Whatever.

RACHEL: What'cha gonna' do?

ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting?

MR. TREEGER: No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.

MONICA: So, wait, you really did like my cookies?

MR. TREEGER: Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared.

RACHEL: Nice seizing. . . gel boy.

MR. TREEGER: [to Rachel who is standing under mistletoe] So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe?

RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that, that is basil.

MR. TREEGER: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya.

RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is running back to the cab.]

PHOEBE: OK.

JOEY: How far'd ya get?

PHOEBE: Mailbox.

CHANDLER: Alright, we're gettin' closer.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh.

JOEY: Phoebs, what's goin' on?

PHOEBE: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . .

JOEY: Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really cool pharmacist guy.

PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.

CHANDLER: Well, so why not go knock?

PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.

JOEY: Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step today.

PHOEBE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.

JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.

PHOEBE: You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping.

CHANDLER: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out.

JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.]

CHANDLER: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!

JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?

MONICA: Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin' earlier.

ROSS: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.

PHOEBE: Oh, I couldn't go in.

MONICA: Honey, I'm sorry.

ROSS: Are you OK?

PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough for now.

CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing]

JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright.

CLOSING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]

JOEY: Rach, these are for you.

RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.

JOEY: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.

CHANDLER: OK, Phoebs, your turn.

PHOEBE: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?

JOEY: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: You guuuyys.

JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.

ROSS: You got me a cola drink?

CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime.

ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.

CHANDLER: And last but not least.

[Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.]

JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure.

[Ross and Monica trade their gifts.]

END

The One With Russ

Written by Ira Ungerlieder.

Transcribed by Josh Hodge.

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.

[The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night. Joey is anxiously in the lead.]

RACH: Joey, would you slow down? They're not gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning.

JOEY: I'm excited! I've never gotten reviewed before.

MNCA: You were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was.

PHOE: Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject.

JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [reading from newspaper] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.

CHAN: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Phoebs, read yours.

PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction...

CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours.

ROSS: I don't want to.

RACH: Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about.

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.

ROSS: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just, uhhh... paying your dues.

JOEY: No, no, no, it.. it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.

MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from paper] In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... continued on page 153...[turns it] sucking.

Credits

[Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel's apartment.]

JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.

[Ross enters, depressed.]

ROSS: [sullenly] Hiiiiii.

PHOE: Are... are you OK?

ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he?

MNCA: Maybe.

ROSS: Don't toy with me.

[Fun Bobby (FBOB) enters from Monica's bedroom.]

FBOB: Geller!

ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby!

FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh?

ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister!

MNCA: You and me both.

FBOB: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, c'mon?

PHOE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better.

FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick you up?

JOEY: No, I'm alright man. Really.

FBOB: No, I'm picking you up.

JOEY: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me... [Fun Bobby picks Joey up off the ground, bounces him. Joey laughs.] Alright! It still works.

FBOB: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? [everyone raises their hands] I'm still gonna go.

MNCA: OK, I'll see you later babe.

FBOB: Uh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes. [kisses Monica]

[Chandler and Joey are watching, Rachel turns their heads away from Monica.]

FBOB: See ya. [exits]

ALL: Bye! See you later!

PHOE: Fun Bobby is so great.

MNCA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full.

PHOE: Half full of looooovvvvve.

MNCA: And for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend.

PHOE: Cabin of loooooovvvvve.

RACH: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. [walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles]

MNCA: Really? I only had two glasses.

JOEY: I just had a glass.

PHOE: Two.

RACH: I had one glass.

CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug.

RACH: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five?

[All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.]

ROSS: Oooooh.

JOEY: [realizing what everyone else did a minute ago] Ooooooh.

MNCA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.

ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand.

PHOE: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'

JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?

MNCA: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo.

[Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk Rachel is serving them. She brings a mug to Monica.]

MNCA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk?

RACH: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't you taste it.

MNCA: [takes a sip] Mmmm, no.

RACH: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some.

FBOB: [pulls out a flask] Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?

[Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable.]

PHOE: Um, cake.

RACH: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake. [Phoebe and Rachel go to counter.]

MNCA: You know what? It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.

FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.

MNCA: Bobby.

FBOB: Yeah, OK.

MNCA: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you.

FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.'

MNCA: So, what are you saying now?

FBOB: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me. [they hug]

PHOE: [comes back to couch, with cake] Sooo, what's goin' on, huh?

FBOB: I am gonna try and quit drinking.

PHOE: [sad] Ooohh, why?

[Chandler and Joey enter.]

CHAN: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

MNCA: Hey.

PHOE: Hey.

CHAN: Guess who's back in show business.

PHOE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?

CHAN: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause he's dead.

PHOE: Oh, no.

CHAN: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who.

JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!

PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.

CHAN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.

PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight.

RACH: Ummmm.... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans.

MNCA: [gasps] You have other friends?

RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date.

MNCA: What?

JOEY: With a man?

RACH: What? What is so strange about me having a date?

JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you?

RACH: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore.

MNCA: What are you talking about?

RACH: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.

PHOE: But you guys came so close.

RACH: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.

[Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross, except for his chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).]

RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.

RUSS: [sounding like Ross] Hhhhiiiii.

[Everyone looks at each other in amazement.]

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Estelle (ESTL) is speaking on the phone.]

ESTL: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? [a knock on the door] Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later.

[Joey enters.]

ESTL: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition?

JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday.

ESTL: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic?

JOEY: No.

ESTL: Well, here it is. [She almost smiles.]

JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady...

ESTL: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?

JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would have sent the Little General in.

ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. [picks up the phone] Yeah, hi, Lori please. [pause] Hi darling. So how 'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific? [pause] Uh-huuuuh. [pause] Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up] [to Joey] Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.]

RACH: What's the matter?

MNCA: It's Fun Bobby.

RACH: What, isn't he sober?

MNCA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.

RACH: Ohhh, OK.

[Monica returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.]

MNCA: Alright, here you go, sweetie. [hands Fun Bobby his coffee]

FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny?

MNCA: Oh God, yes!

FBOB: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

PHOE: That is funny.

FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

MNCA: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be at your interview now?

FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. [leaves]

CHAN: Bye..... ridiculously dull Bobby.

MNCA: Oh.... my... God.

PHOE: It's not that bad.

MNCA: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer story?

PHOE: OK, OK, don't get all squinky.

RACH: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there.

MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.

PHOE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.

[Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.]

RUSS: Hi.

CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross.... bahhhh!

RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK?

RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh.... friend-type....people.

[Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.]

PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi.

RACH: Hi.

PHOE: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right?

RACH: Uhh.... waitressing?

PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?

RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget?

PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh.

[Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Ross enters.]

PHOE: Oh, my, oh!

ROSS: What? What's wrong?

PHOE: I, OK....

MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.

ROSS: Alright.

CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.

RUSS: Hi.

ROSS: Hi.

RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's?

RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's.

ROSS: A date.

RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date.

ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date.

CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.

RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a....

RUSS: Periodontist.

MNCA: See? They're as different as night and... later that night.

ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.

RUSS: Ditto.

[ROss approaches Rachel at counter.]

ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ.

RACH: Oh.

ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.

RACH: Well, we're not seeing each other, so....

ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...

RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal.

ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.

RACH: Um, Russ, you ready?

RUSS: Yeah.

RACH: Bye.

MNCA: Bye.

PHOE: Bye.

[Russ and Rachel leave together.]

ROSS: [upset] She's dating. She's dating.

CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?

ROSS: What do you mean?

MNCA: Do you not see it?

ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence.

CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?

ROSS: ....................Yeah.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.]

CHAN: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.

JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it.

CHAN: Oh my God!

JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.

CHAN: [not knowing how to react] Oh my... God?

JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television.

CHAN: So, what're you gonna do?

JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that?

CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.

JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part.

CHAN: Well is she... [reaches into the cookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce]

JOEY: Sorry.

CHAN: It's alright. Is she good-looking?

JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. [pause] You know, after having slept with her.

CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.

JOEY: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General.

CHAN: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major?

JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

[Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.]

WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar?

MNCA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun Bobby, changes her mind] No, no thank you.

FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, I've got to get used to it.

MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. [to waiter] Just some water.

FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator...

MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.]

CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium.

RUSS: Dysprosium.

ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.

CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues.

[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.]

PHOE: You don't see it? You actually don't see it?

RACH: What?

PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross.

RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ.

PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross!

RACH: Steve... sleeve!

PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve.

RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.

[They look over at Russ and Ross.]

ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.

RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful.

CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.

RUSS: I know what your problem is.

ROSS: Oh you do, do you?

RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous.

ROSS: Of... of what?

RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.

ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.

RUSS: Hey, you listen.

ROSS: No, no, let me finish.

RUSS: No, let me finish.

ROSS: No, you let me fini...

[Rachel walks up behind them.]

ROSS: Hi.

RUSS: Hi.

RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turns away]

[Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica and Rachel's apartment.]

RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left?

CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?

RACH: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with?

CHAN: Me.

RACH: Why would I have to sleep with you?

CHAN: It's my game. You want the job or not?

[Monica enters from her bedroom.]

CHAN: Hey.

MNCA: Morning.

ROSS: Where ya goin'?

MNCA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?

ROSS: Ooooohhhh.

[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.]

PHOE: What's with all the bottles of liquor?

ROSS: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again?

MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing.

[Three slow knocks on the door.]

RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring.

[Monica answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.]

MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.

FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute?

MNCA: Sure.

[They both step out into the hall.]

FBOB: This is really hard for me to say.

MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.

FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you.

MNCA: What about me?

FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem.

MNCA: What these? [holding up liquor bottles] Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes.

FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK?

MNCA: Oh... shoot.

FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends.

MNCA: OK.

[They hug and kiss.]

MNCA: Take care.

FBOB: You too.

[Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.]

RACH: What happened?

MNCA: Well we... we kinda broke up.

GANG: Awwwwwwww.

[Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all exchange money.]

MNCA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want these?

CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.

[Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

GANG: Hey!

ROSS: How'd the callback go?

JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me.

CHAN: So what'd you do?

JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way.

ROSS: Good for you.

JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.

PHOE: So... and?

JOEY: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes!

GANG: Allright!

JOEY: Alright... I've got to go shower. [leaves]

[Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange money again.]

Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]

RUSS: Hi.

CHAN: Oh, hey.

PHOE: Hi.

RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.

CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man.

RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?

[Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.]

PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him.

RUSS: Oh.

[Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.]

JULIE: Hey.

CHAN: Hey!

PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing?

JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um....

[Russ and Julie look at each other with love in their eyes. The music builds...]

END

The One With the Lesbian Wedding

Originally written by Doty Abrams

Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips

[at Ross's. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up]

ROSS: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!

CAROL: So how did everything go?

ROSS: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it.

CAROL: Well, we've gotta go.

ROSS: Ok.

SUSAN: [clears her throat]

CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us.

ROSS: Oh, you and me?

CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me.

SUSAN: The other us.

ROSS: Ok.

CAROL: We're uh, we're getting married.

ROSS: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married?

CAROL: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to.

ROSS: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.

CAROL: Look I just thought that...

ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me!

SUSAN: Is your finger caught in that chair?

ROSS: Mmm hmmm.

CAROL: Want us to go?

ROSS: Uh-huh.

[at Rachel and Monica's]

ROSS: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television.

JOEY: It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin' about all of u, and how these are the days of our lives..

MONICA: Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast.

ROSS, CHANDLER & JOEY: Yes!

MONICA: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it?

ROSS: Would it matter?

MONICA: Oh, you are so great! [kisses him] Thank you!

JOEY: Are you really not going?

ROSS: I am really not going. I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married?

MONICA: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them.

ROSS: If you wanna call that a reason.

CHANDLER: [singing to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood] Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.

MONICA: Ross, I thought you were over this.

ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there.

JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever.

RACHEL: [entering hurriedly] Did I miss it? Did I miss it?

JOEY: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.

CHANDLER: Whoa, she's pretty.

JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.

RACHEL: I'm sorry, what?

MONICA: What?

JOEY: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.

CHANDLER: Oh, ok.

JOEY: There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.

MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right?

JOEY: I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee.

CHANDLER: Nice!

RACHEL: That's great!

ROSS: Excellent!

CHANDLER: For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something.

[Monica and Rachel's]

ROSS: That is so good! Do it again!

JOEY: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman, it's right there on the chart!"

CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.

ROSS: No no, that's me.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah.

ROSS: Oh, hello.

PHOEBE: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh...

ROSS: Is everything ok?

PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.

ROSS: Oh my god.

CHANDLER: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.

PHOEBE: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman.

MONICA: Oh, honey.

PHOEBE: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.

RACHEL: What do you mean?

PHOEBE: I think it went into me.

[Everyone takes a step back from Phoebe]

[Central Perk]

MONICA: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck.

CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.

RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what?

ROSS: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.

CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?

RACHEL: Oh god.

JOEY: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'.

RACHEL: I know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know?

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.

JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady'll be with us?

PHOEBE: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Sit up!

MRS. GREEN: [entering] There she is.

RACHEL: Mom!

MRS GREEN: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun.

RACHEL: Pretty much.

MRS GREEN: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.

RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross.

MRS GREEN: Oh hello, Ross.

ROSS: Hi, Mrs. Green. [He gets up to shake her hand, but she ignores him.]

MRS GREEN: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job?

RACHEL: Oh Mom!

MRS GREEN: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.

CHANDLER: Believe me, sometimes that happens.

MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you.

RACHEL: Really?

MRS GREEN: Yes.

PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.

JOEY: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer?

PHOEBE: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?

[at Rachel and Monica's

MRS GREEN: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.

RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

MRS GREEN: [laughing] You have some life here, sweetie.

RACHEL: I know. And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know?

MRS GREEN: I do. You didn't love Barry. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want.

RACHEL: For...me.

MRS GREEN: Well, not just for you.

RACHEL: Well, what do you mean?

MRS GREEN: I'm uh, considering leaving your father.

MONICA: [entering] All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.

RACHEL: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick.

MONICA: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.

ROSS: And you had no idea they weren't getting along?

RACHEL: None.

JOEY: They didn't fight a lot?

RACHEL: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] In my day, divorce was not an option.

JOEY: Hey, look who's up.

RACHEL: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this.

MONICA: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you.

RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?

CHANDLER: You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true.

PHOEBE: That's him.

CHANDLER: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet.

MR A: Phoebe?

PHOEBE: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me.

MR A: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.

PHOEBE: Um, do you wanna sit?

MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear?

PHOEBE: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.

MR A: You're saying, my wife is in you?

PHOEBE: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around?

MR A: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.

PHOEBE: Everything?

MR A: Everything.

PHOEBE: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.

MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head.

MR A: [to Joey] Worth a shot, huh?

[Joey nods and shrugs.]

MRS GREEN: Look at this.

RACHEL: These are from Halloween three years ago.

MRS GREEN: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office?

RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.

MONICA: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"?

RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."

MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.

RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help?

MONICA: If you want.

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty.

RACHEL: She's still with you?

PHOEBE: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. [Takes Mrs. Green's chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh, such a pretty face.

MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?

RACHEL: God!

MONICA: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all this food.

MRS GREEN: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

RACHEL: Oh! What's new in sex?

MRS GREEN: The only man I've ever been with is your father.

MONICA: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything.

MRS GREEN: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more.

RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing?

MRS GREEN: No.

RACHEL: You want me to talk you out of it?

MRS GREEN: No.

RACHEL: Then what? What do you want?

MRS GREEN: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this.

RACHEL: Why on earth would I understand this?

MRS GREEN: You didn't marry your Barry. I did.

RACHEL: Oh.

MONICA: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!

CHANDLER: Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.

MONICA: Joey, speed it up!

JOEY: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the blankets!

PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.

MONICA: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry?

PHOEBE: Sir! No sir!

MONICA: [to Ross] All right, you!

ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing.

MONICA: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'm gonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in Ross". All right, ball the melon.

CHANDLER: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon.

[knock at the door]

MONICA: Hi.

CAROL: How's it going?

MONICA: It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers.[everyone groans]

CAROL: Fine, whatever.

ROSS: What's the matter?

CAROL: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding.

ROSS: What?

MONICA: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.

ROSS: Carol, what's the matter? What happened?

CAROL: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming.

ROSS: Oh my god.

CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything.

ROSS: It's ok. I'm sorry.

CAROL: And then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren't doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do.

ROSS: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right.

CAROL: You do?

ROSS: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this.

CAROL: Of course I do.

ROSS: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it.

CAROL: You're right. Of course you're right.

MONICA: So we're back on?

CAROL: We're back on.

MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes.

[at the wedding]

JOEY: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.

CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.

[Wedding music starts, Phoebe noisily unwraps a piece of candy.]

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.

[Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross.]

CAROL: Thank you.

ROSS: Any time. [He doesn't want to let her go]

CAROL: Ross. [He lets her go]

MINISTER: You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh my god. Now I've seen everything! [Phoebe's voice] Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.

[At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol and Susan getting their picture taken.]

MONICA: Would you look at them?

ROSS: Yeah, can't help but.

JOEY: [to a wedding guest] How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? [the guy nods] I wrapped those bad boys.

PHOEBE: I miss Rose.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah?

PHOEBE: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone.

WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life...how 'bout we go get you a drink?

PHOEBE: Ok, that's so nice.

[Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman is coming on to her, but Phoebe doesn't see him.]

CHANDLER: [to an attractive woman] I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? [The woman walks away]

RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun?

MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.

RACHEL: There's more alcohol, right?

[Susan approaches Ross, who's looking lonely]

SUSAN: How you doin'?

ROSS: Ok.

SUSAN: You did a good thing today.

ROSS: Yeah.

SUSAN: You wanna dance?

ROSS: No, that's fine.

SUSAN: Come on. I'll let you lead.

ROSS: Ok.

[They dance; Carol looks on lovingly.]

CHANDLER: [to the woman who just rejected him] All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people. [She walks away again.]

[at Monica and Rachel's]

MONICA: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married?

ROSS: Well, Mon, I was married.

PHOEBE: Yeah, me, too, technically.

RACHEL: I had a wedding.

MONICA: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion.

JOEY: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? [They all look at Chandler]

CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this?

ALL: Oh, yeah!

END

The One After the Superbowl

Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof

Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.

[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]

[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...

[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.]

[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]

ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad.

JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.

ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.

PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.

MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys.

ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.

RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.

ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]

[Joey enters holding a letter]

JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.

CHANDLER: Rhythm?

JOEY: No, my first fan mail.

ALL: Alright!

MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'

RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.

MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.

JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.

[Ross enters with a suitcase]

ROSS: Hey guys.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?

ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.

CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.

[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]

RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.

[Everyone laughs]

PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.

ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.

PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen.

ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.

PHOEBE: Oh, wow.

ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?

PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]

JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?

CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]

[door buzzer goes off]

CHANDLER: Hello.

ERICA: It's Erica.

JOEY: Ah, the stalker.

ERICA: Never mind, it's open.

CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.

JOEY: Let's get out of here.

[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door]

CHANDLER: The one time they're not home.

JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.

CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.

JOEY: She's comin'.

[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]

ERICA: It's me.

JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?

CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]

[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]

ERICA: Hi.

JOEY: Erica.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]

LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.

ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.

LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.

ROSS: Oh my God, what happened?

LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.

ROSS: I can't believe this.

LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.

ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.

LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.

ROSS: Zoo dollars?

LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]

KIDS: Ooohhh.

PHOEBE: I know.

MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.

CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?

RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.

RACHEL: And she's not crazy?

CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.

CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.

ROB: You OK?

PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.

ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.

PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?

ROSS: I was thinkin' about it.

PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]

Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,

she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.

But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,

And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.

Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,

but the truth is she died and some day you will too.

La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]

ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?

JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?

ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.

JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.

ERICA: Who's they?

JOEY: No one.

ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.

JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]

ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?

JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that.

[Some guy at another table starts choking]

WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?

ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.

[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]

JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.

ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?

JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive.

[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.]

ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?

JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.

ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?

JOEY: But that's what...

ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.

JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]

ERICA: Hey what?

JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]

PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be times when you get older

when you'll want to sleep with people

just to make them like you. . .

But don't.

Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody

That's another thing that you don't wanna do.

MONICA: Excellent!

CHANDLER: Very informative!

RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!

PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.

ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.

PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.

ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.

PHOEBE: But.

ROB: How did you know there was a but?

PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but or butter.

ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.

PHOEBE: I can do that.

ROB: Really?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?

PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]

JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey?

JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.

ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.

JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?

ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.

JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?

ROSS: That guy Lipson?

JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?

ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson.

JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.

JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.

ROSS: Of course.

JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.

ROSS: This is unbelievable.

JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?

ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?

JANITOR: Maybe.

ROSS: But you already told me everything.

[Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.]

ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.

RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do?

ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.

CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.

PHOEBE: OK, hi again.

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.

[singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,

Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.

Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,

And that's how we get hamburgers.

Nooowww, chickens!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]

TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake.

JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.

ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system.

[knock at the door]

ERICA: It's Erica.

JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.

RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.

JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.

RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?

MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.

JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in.

ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?

JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?

ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?

JOEY: Who?

ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.

JOEY: It's not what you think, that was...

ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]

JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?

JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here?

RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]

ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.

JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show.

ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at?

JOEY: I'm not Drake.

ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.

ERICA: Is this true?

RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]

MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]

CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]

ERICA: Is all this true?

JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.

ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]

ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.

JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care

ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]

JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]

PHOEBE: Fired! Why?

ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.

PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?

ROB: No.

PHOEBE: I see.

ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.

PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?

ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.

PHOEBE: Who's Barney.

[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]

ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.

RACHEL: You're kidding.

JOEY: This is amazing.

ROSS: I know.

JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.

RACHEL: OK.

[little kid enters]

KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?

PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me.

KID: [shouting out the door] She's here.

[a rush of kids enter]

PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women,

sometimes men love men,

and then there are bisexuals,

though some just say they're kidding themselves.

la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]

ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.

CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?

SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set.

ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.

SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.

MONICA: Ross, there he is.

ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]

[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]

SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...

JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]

ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]

JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.

ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.

TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.

RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?

TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.

ALL: Woah.

CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set?

JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.

JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.

PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?

JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?

SUSIE: We've got a problem.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me.

SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?

SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her.

SUSIE: I hate actors.

CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.

SUSIE: Excuse me.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh.

SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?

CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.

SUSIE: Chandler Bing?

CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.

CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.

SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.

CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.

SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.

CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.

[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]

MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

RACHEL: What what what what?

MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.

RACHEL: Ya think?

MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?

RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?

MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.

RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?

MONICA: Oh, yeah.

RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?

MONICA: He could hear me.

RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.

MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook.

RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.

VAN DAMME: Hi.

RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.

VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute?

RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?

VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.

[back to Chandler and Susie]

CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.

SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?

CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.

[a voice in the background calls for makeup]

SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go.

CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.

SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.

CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.

SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.

CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?

[back to Rachel and Monica]

MONICA: So what'd he say?

RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.

MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.

RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.

MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do...

RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]

RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.

JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.

RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?

MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.

RACHEL: That is so unfair.

PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.

JOEY: You're blowin' me off for a monkey?

ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.

JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.

[Chandler enters]

CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.

PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?

CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a steak.

PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.

CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?

PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.

CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.

CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'

MONICA: What did you say?

CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?

PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]

SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.

CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.

SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.

SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?

CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.

SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.

CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?

SUSIE: Could ya?

CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]

ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.

JOEY: Oooh.

ROSS: With mealworms.

JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?

[phone rings]

ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first.

RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?

PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...

MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.

RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.

MONICA: You sold me out.

RACHEL: I did not sell you out.

MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.

RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]

MONICA: Did you just flick me?

RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]

MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]

RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.

MONICA: You flicked me first.

[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]

PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.

[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]

MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.

PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.

RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?

MONICA: OK.

RACHEL: Oh that's what you want.

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: Fine.

MONICA: Fine,

PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.]

ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.

JOEY: Forget about it.

SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy?

CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.

JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.

JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat?

SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?

CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.

SUSIE: I want you right here, right now.

CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.

SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]

CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]

[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]

SUSIE: C'mon.

CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this.

SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties.

CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]

SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?

CHANDLER: What?

SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.

CHANDLER: Oh.

SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.

CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.

SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry.

CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?

SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.

CHANDLER: OK.

[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]

SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.

CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.

SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.

CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?

SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.

CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean?

SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.

CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?

SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]

CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.

[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]

MONICA: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?

VAN DAMME: Sure.

MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.

VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.

MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me?

VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...

[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.]

MONICA: Say you're sorry.

RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]

MONICA: Say it.

RACHEL: No. [hitting again]

[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]

MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.

RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.

MONICA: Say you're sorry.

RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse]

MONICA: What're you gonna do?

RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.

MONICA: You don't have the guts.

RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.

[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]

PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?

[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]

PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.

MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater.

RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse.

MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.

RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.

MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]

[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]

[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]

CHANDLER: Joey?

JOEY: Ma?

CHANDLER: Joey!

JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.

JOEY: Are you naked in there?

CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.

JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?

CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.

JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.

CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.

JOEY: Well, let me see.

CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.

JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.

[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]

ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.

JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties.

ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]

CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see.

ROSS: Hi Tushie.

CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.

JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.

CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear?

JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.

[Some guy has entered.]

ALL: Hi.

[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]

CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?

PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.

[Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.

ROSS: What happened?

JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.

ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.

PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.

ROSS: What?

["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]

[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]

VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.

RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him]

VAN DAMME: Goodbye.

MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]

RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]

MONICA: OK.

VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .

MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.

VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.

MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.

RACHEL: Impressive.

MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking.

MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.

[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]

ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.

[Marcel is driven off in a limo]

PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?

CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say that?

PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.

END

The One With the Prom Video

Originally written by Alexa Junge.

Trascribed by Josh Hodge.

NOTE: For this episode, I'm using italics to signify portions contained in the prom video.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is playing foosball by himself, Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal] Huh?

JOEY: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands Chandler an envelope.

CHANDLER: What's this?

JOEY: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.

CHANDLER: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for?

JOEY: Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love ya man.

CHANDLER: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.

JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me. [hands Chandler a jewelry box]

CHANDLER: Wow, I don't know what to say. [opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet] Wow, I, I don't know what to say.

JOEY: Heh, what d'ya say?

CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet.

JOEY: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out.

CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud.

JOEY: Put it on.

CHANDLER: Oh, now? [puts it in his desk drawer] No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer]

JOEY: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with everything. [gets the bracelet from the drawer] You put this on, you're good to go. [puts the bracelet on Chandler] Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet.

CHANDLER: I so am.

JOEY: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?

CHANDLER: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: A kitchen somewhere. Monica is interviewing for a job]

INTERVIEWER: Well, this all looks good.

MONICA: Great.

INTERVIEWER: And if I want to call for a reference on your last job?

MONICA: Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the manager, Chandler Bing.

INTERVIEWER: Alright, lets see if you're as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad.

MONICA: A salad? Really I, I could do something a little more complicated if you like.

INTERVIEWER: No, just a salad will be fine.

MONICA: You got it.

INTERVIEWER: Now, I want you to tell me what you're doing while you're doing it.

MONICA: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.

INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?

MONICA: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.

INTERVIEWER: Don't, I like it dirty.

MONICA: That's your call.

INTERVIEWER: So, uh, what are you going to do next?

MONICA: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.

INTERVIEWER: Are they, uh, firm?

MONICA: They'r alright.

INTERVIEWER: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?

MONICA: No really, they're OK.

INTERVIEWER: You gonna slice them up real nice?

MONICA: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.

INTERVIEWER: Aaaahhhhhhh.

MONICA: I'm outa here. [Monica leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting at the couch. Ross is sitting at the table and answers the phone.]

ROSS: Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? OK, bye-bye. Hey, who's this uh, this Casey?

PHOEBE: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.

ROSS: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight.

ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.

PHOEBE: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.

ROSS: Wha, OK, now how do you know that?

PHOEBE: Because she's your lobster.

CHANDLER: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.

PHOEBE: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . .

[Monica enters from bathroom after taking a shower]

CHANDLER: Hey, you feelin' better?

MONICA: Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me.

PHOEBE: So, do you have any other possibilities?

MONICA: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I won't make rent.

ROSS: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some money.

MONICA: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you.

ROSS: Oh OK. Well then why don't you, uhh, why don't you borrow it from mom and dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. You might as well make some money off of them.

CHANDLER: Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off]

PHOEBE: What is that sparkly thing?

CHANDLER: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy.

ROSS: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a Goodfella.

MONICA: Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica answers the door and lets her parents in. They are carrying boxes.]

MONICA: Hi.

MR. GELLER: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Hi darling.

MONICA: So, what's this.

MR. GELLER: Some of your old stuff.

MRS. GELLER: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym.

MONICA: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross's room?

MR. GELLER: Gosh, we talked about that but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges, well we didn't want to disturb them.

MONICA: Oh, God forbid.

[Rachel enters with a laundry basket]

MRS. GELLER: Oh, hi Rachel.

RACHEL: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear.

RACHEL: Oh, well, you know, they're just separated so, you know, never know, we'll see.

MR. GELLER: Well, I can't say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we've known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii.

RACHEL: What, what incident?

MR. GELLER: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. You fold. [shuffles her into her room]

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on couches. A beautiful woman is looking at Chandler.]

PHOEBE: Do you want a refill?

CHANDLER: No, I'm alright, thanks.

PHOEBE: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. [she sticks out her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and then in her best male voice. . .] Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my penis now.

CHANDLER: [walks over to the woman] I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.

GAIL: I'm Gail.

CHANDLER: Chandler. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet]

GAIL: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was nice meeting you.

CHANDLER: What? [realizes it was the bracelet] Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap.

PHOEBE: It's not that bad.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]

PHOEBE: Chandler, Chandler.

CHANDLER: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi. Hey man, we were just doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. [Joey turns around and walks out without saying anything] That's actually good.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a man at the counter. Ross and Phoebe are sitting at the couches.]

ROSS: Would you look at that guy, I mean how long has he been talking to her. It's like, back off buddy she's a waitress not a geisha.

PHOEBE: I think she's OK.

ROSS: [Rachel, laughing, puts a hand on the guy's shoulder] Look at that, look at that, see how she's pushing him away and he won't budge. Alright, I'm gonna do something. [walks up in the middle of their conversation] Excuse me, are you Rachel?

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow.

RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin'?

ROSS: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don't believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we'll, we'll have something to tell the grandkids.

MAN: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care.

ROSS: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. [man leaves] You're welcome.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: I was saving you.

RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me?

ROSS: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . .

RACHEL: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save.

ROSS: But, you are.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my lobster.

RACHEL: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again?

ROSS: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh, Phoebs you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster thing?

PHOEBE: Do the claws again.

ROSS: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, let's talk, what about us?

RACHEL: Ross, there is no us, OK.

ROSS: No, but. . .

RACHEL: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it.

ROSS: Well, but, but. . .

RACHEL: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that.

ROSS: E-except, except that what?

RACHEL: No, no, ACC-cept that.

ROSS: Oh.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is there. Joey enters.]

CHANDLER: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? [Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad.

JOEY: If you hated the bracelet so much, Chandler, you should have just said so.

CHANDLER: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?

JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?

CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]

JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions]

CHANDLER: I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . . [Joey returns to his room]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Mr. and Mrs. Geller are watching tennis on TV, Monica is sitting at the table]

MR. GELLER: You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there.

ROSS: Hey guys.

MRS. GELLER: Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you didn't bring him?

ROSS: No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today.

MR. GELLER: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm just saying.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack look, there's that house paint commercial that cracks you up. [the Gellers return to watching TV and Ross goes over to Monica]

MONICA: Where have you been?

ROSS: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet?

MONICA: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet.

ROSS: C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news.

MONICA: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before but umm, I, I'm no longer at my job, I, I had to leave it.

MRS. GELLER: Why?

MONICA: Because they made me.

MRS. GELLER: You were fired? What're you gonna do?

MR. GELLER: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go?

MONICA and ROSS: In the bank.

MR. GELLER: There you go. So she dips into her savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. [pulls a quarter from behind her ear]

MONICA: Anything larger back there?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe enter.]

CHANDLER: I can't believe it.

PHOEBE: Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.

CHANDLER: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar]

RACHEL: [comes up from behind the bar and startles Chandler] Hey. I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther found? [holds up Chandler's bracelet]

PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two.

CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: How come you have two?

CHANDLER: Well this one's for you.

JOEY: Get out.

CHANDLER: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds.

JOEY: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.

CHANDLER: That's what they'll call us.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ross are standing in the kitchen. Ross is filling out a check]

ROSS: Here you go, you can pay me back whenever you like.

MONICA: You have dinosaur checks?

ROSS: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what's wrong with that?

MONICA: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank you, I'm very greatful.

PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with Chandler and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a box] Hey, Mon, what is this?

MONICA: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then.

CHANDLER: Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.

JOEY: [pulls out a VCR tape] Hey Monica, what's on this video tape?

MONICA: Hey, you got me, put it in.

ROSS: [Rachel enters] Oh.

RACHEL: Hi.

ROSS: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. Jack, get this. [Rachel enters with a huge nose]

RACHEL: Oh my God.

JOEY: What is with your nose?

RACHEL: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum.

CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut.

MONICA: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom.

RACHEL: Oh.

ROSS: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this.

ALL: Oh yeah we do. C'mon.

MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica.

MONICA: Over here dad. [he pans over and we see a torso taking up the whole screen]

MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is.

JOEY: Some girl ate Monica.

MONICA: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.

CHANDLER: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

MONICA: Oh, you look so great.

RACHEL: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. [they hug]

MONICA: Oops.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you.

RACHEL: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress.

MR. GELLER: Everybody smile.

MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off.

MR. GELLER: It is off.

MONICA: Dad, it is not. What's with the red light?

MR. GELLER: It's the off light. Right Ross? [pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache]

JOEY: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter.

ROSS: You look pretty tonight.

RACHEL: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer?

ROSS: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out, work on my music.

RACHEL: [the shoulders of her dress keep falling off her shoulders] Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can't. . .

ROSS: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So what're you gonna do. . . [doorbell rings]

RACHEL: Oh, the guys are here.

ROSS: this summer?

CHANDLER: Work on your music?

[Ross is sitting on the stairs with a laptop keyboard playing 'Axel-F']

RACHEL: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik.

MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper.

RACHEL: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet?

ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monica's corsage on, Monica then turns and whispers to Rachel]

MONICA: I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob.

RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late.

MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to go either.

ROY: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass.

MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.

ROSS: Doubtful.

MRS. GELLER: Jack, give me that. Talk to your son.

MR. GELLER: Your mother's right. Take her, you can wear my tux.

ROSS: Dad, she won't want to go with me.

MR. GELLER: Of course she would, you're a college man.

ROSS: I don't know.

MR. GELLER: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find out?

RACHEL: I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom, this is so harsh.

ROSS: OK. Hold my board.

MR. GELLER: Atta boy. [Ross scrambles upstairs to change]

ROSS: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off.

ALL: No, no, no.

ROSS: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright.

MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go.

MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome.

MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em.

ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad.

MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving]

RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?

MR. GELLER: Press the button.

MRS. GELLER: Which one? Which button, Jack.

MR. GELLER: The button, the button.

MONICA: I can't believe you did that.

ROSS: Yeah, well.

[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross]

PHOEBE: See, he's her lobster.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is watching the rest of the tape]

MRS. GELLER: Dance with him.

MONICA: Mom, I'm hungry.

MRS. GELLER: Dance with your father.

MR. GELLER: I may not know any of your flash dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor.

MONICA: Alright.

[the tape cuts to Monica's parents under the covers]

MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack.

MR. GELLER: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy.

BOTH: Oh, ohhhhh.

[Monica is visibly upset]

END

The One Where Rachel and Ross... You Know

Originally written by

Transcribed by Joshua Hodge

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler enter with Chandler covering his eyes and Joey leading him.]

JOEY: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking.

CHANDLER: Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.

JOEY: Alright open your eyes. [opens his eyes to see two black leather recliners and a big screen TV]

CHANDLER: Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.

JOEY: Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option.

CHANDLER: Congratulations!

JOEY: I know.

chandler: Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.

JOEY: Uh-huh.

CHANDLER: So uh, which one is mine?

JOEY: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. [Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs] Not that one.

CHANDLER: [sits down] Ohh yes.

JOEY: [sits down] Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.

CHANDLER: [reaches for the footrest lever] Do we dare?

JOEY: We dare.

BOTH: [both extend the footrests] Aaahhhh. [both recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]

PHOEBE: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.

CHANDLER: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.

ROSS: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van Dyke is practically life-size.

ALL: Woah!

MONICA: Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she?

[Rachel enters]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

ALL: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey you.

ROSS: Hey you. [they stand together in front of the TV.]

CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move]

RACHEL: So, uh, how was your day?

ROSS: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping.

RACHEL: Really? Mine too.

PHOEBE: Hey cool, mine too.

ROSS: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.

RACHEL: OK. [they go to kiss but everyone's watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her head and leaves]

ROSS: Bye guys.

ALL: Bye.

MONICA: [walks up to Rachel in front of the TV] Tonight?

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV]

MONICA: What's tonight?

RACHEL: It is our first official date. Our first date.

MONICA: Uh, hello.

RACHEL: Hi.

MONICA: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you?

RACHEL: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is our first date.

MONICA: Yes but my mom got me this job.

PHOEBE: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress.

RACHEL: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.

MONICA: Really Phoebs? Because, you know, you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing.

PHOEBE: I can be a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.

[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr. Burke answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.]

PHOEBE: It's James Bond.

MONICA: Sorry we're late.

DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.

MONICA: Dr. Burke, it, it's me.

DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great.

MONICA: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe. She's gonna be helping me tonight.

DR. BURKE: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. [Phoebe just giggles when they shake] So, how ya been?

MONICA: I've been great, just great. How have you been? [tilting her head]

DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.

MONICA: The head tilt?

DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating] 'How ya doin'? You OK?'

MONICA: I'm sorry.

DR. BURKE: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob. [demonstrates] 'I'm OK.' [tilts head] 'You sure?' [bobs head] 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's to change.

MONICA: [her and Phoebe tilt their heads] Oh, that's too bad.

DR. BURKE: [bobbing his head] I'll survive.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering a pizza.]

CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.

JOEY: What if we have to pee?

CHANDLER: I'll cancel the sodas.

[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are in the kitchen.]

MONICA: You've got to get back out there, it's your party.

DR. BURKE: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists.

MONICA: You're an opthamologist.

DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif.

PHOEBE: [entering the kitchen from the party] That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there.

DR. BURKE: See.

MONICA: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.

DR. BURKE: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. [grabbing some wine glasses and opening the door to the party] Who needs glasses? [everyone laughs]

PHOEBE: You are so smitten.

MONICA: I am not.

PHOEBE: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out.

MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up.

PHOEBE: So. You two are totally into each other.

MONICA: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me.

PHOEBE: OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again?

MONICA: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment.

PHOEBE: Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked?

MONICA: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are returning from a movie.]

RACHEL: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow.

ROSS: I told you there was going to be sub-titles.

RACHEL: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on my first date.

[They start kissing.]

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: It would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name.

RACHEL: Honey, I'm just checking.

ROSS: Oh.

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: Mon.

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: Mon.

[Since they're alone they start kissing and Ross's hands work their way down until they're on Rachel's butt. Rachel starts laughing.]

ROSS: What, what.

RACHEL: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, Ross's hands are on my butt. Sorry.

ROSS: And that's, that's funny why?

RACHEL: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing.

ROSS: I, I know it's big, I just didn't know it was uh, ha-ha big.

RACHEL: OK. [start kissing again and Rachel starts lauging again]

ROSS: OK, my hands were no where near your butt.

RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.

ROSS: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm feeling too self conscious.

RACHEL: Just one cheek.

ROSS: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone.

RACHEL: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them.

ROSS: That's romantic.

RACHEL: C'mon touch it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Oh, come on squeeze it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Rub it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.]

JOEY: Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax.

CHANDLER: You got a Cheeto on your face man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]

[Ross enters]

JOEY: Hi.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.

JOEY: What're you doin' here? Aren't you supposed to be out with Rachel?

ROSS: That was 14 hours ago.

CHANDLER: So how'd it go?

ROSS: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'?

CHANDLER: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.

JOEY: She laughed at you?

ROSS: Yeah. I don't know, I've been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint?

CHANDLER: It's the Miracle Wax.

JOEY: It certainly is a miracle.

[Rachel enters]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

RACHEL: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. . .

CHANDLER: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.

[Rachel and Ross go out in the hall]

RACHEL: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I really want to make it up to you.

ROSS: No, you, ya know there's no need to make it u. . . how?

RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert.

ROSS: Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect.

[there's a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it back up to find a shoe has been thrown at it]

RACHEL: What's this.

CHANDLER: Could you get us a couple of beers?

[Scene: Dr. Burke's office. Monica is there for her eye appointment.]

DR. BURKE: I'm going to look into your eyes now.

MONICA: Really.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look up. . . look down, now open your eyes, now look down. That's right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . OK. Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes.

MONICA: Good, they feel good, in my head.

DR. BURKE: So, it's great to see ya.

MONICA: You too.

DR. BURKE: You too.

MONICA: OK, um. Goodbye.

DR. BURKE: Drops!

MONICA: What?

DR. BURKE: Drops. Here, they're free.

MONICA: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going.

DR. BURKE: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.

MONICA: Thanks again.

[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they embrace in a full on kiss]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still watching TV. Phoebe stands in front of the TV.]

PHOEBE: We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, woah, hey, woah.

PHOEBE: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.

JOEY: No, inside good, outside bad.

PHOEBE: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, XANADU! OH.

CHANDLER: She's one of us now.

[Rachel and Ross enter]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

ROSS: Hey.

CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Hey.

ROSS: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh, say goodnight.

CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Goodnight.

ROSS: Look at that, they won't even turn their heads.

RACHEL: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my shirt.

JOEY: [uses a dentist mirror to see] Naa, she's lyin'.

[Monica enters carrying food that's been delivered]

MONICA: Stop sending food to our apartment.

ROSS: Well, why're you all dressed up?

PHOEBE: You're not the only one who has a date tonight.

ROSS: What? You have a date? Who with?

MONICA: No one.

ROSS: C'mon, what's his name?

MONICA: Nothing.

ROSS: Come on, tell me.

MONICA: Alright, but I'm very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.

ROSS: Oh, I promise, what.

MONICA: It's Richard Burke.

ROSS: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad.

MONICA: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.

ROSS: Doctor Burke is sexy?

RACHEL and PHOEBE: Oh God, absolutely.

ROSS: [his beeper goes off] It's the museum again, can I, oh.

RACHEL: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once.

MONICA: When?

RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. [points to the tip of her nose]

PHOEBE: Oh you are so lucky.

RACHEL: I know.

ROSS: [on the phone] Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect.

CHANDLER: Well maybe he was nervous.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross is fixing a display, Rachel is waiting patiently.]

ROSS: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look, homo-habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just give him a microwave? I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we will have dinner.

RACHEL: It's OK, it's fine.

ROSS: KARL!

[Ross leaves to find Karl. Rachel takes a peek under the loincloth of one of the display models.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are sitting on the couch. He's showing her the pictures in his wallet.]

MONICA: Wow, is that Michelle?

DR. BURKE: Yep.

MONICA: I've not seen her since high school graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional.

DR. BURKE: Ya know, she's having another baby.

MONICA: I thought she just had one.

DR. BURKE: No no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and everyting. Here. You know, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . .

MONICA: Oh, you're a grandpa.

DR. BURKE: Yeah. Are we nuts here?

MONICA: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in.

DR. BURKE: I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you.

MONICA: Yeah.

DR. BURKE: So.

MONICA: So maybe we should just. . .

DR. BURKE: Yeah, yeah, maybe.

MONICA: Wow, this really sucks.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it turns into a passionate kiss]

MONICA: Well, we don't really have to decide anything right now, do we?

DR. BURKE: No, no, there's no rush or anything.

[knock at the door]

DELIVERY GUY: Pizza delivery.

MONICA: Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross enters the display where Rachel is waiting.]

ROSS: Rach.

RACHEL: Oh.

ROSS: I'm done.

RACHEL: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino's.

ROSS: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we find someplace else.

RACHEL: No, you know what, it's late, everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just do it another night?

ROSS: No, no, we won't.

RACHEL: We won't?

ROSS: [grabs a fur pelt] C'mon.

RACHEL: OK, that's dead right?

[Scene: The museum planetarium. Ross and Rachel enter on stage.]

RACHEL: What is this? What are we doing?

ROSS: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape?

RACHEL: Grape.

ROSS: [spreads the pelt on the floor] OK, now, sit. OK. [he starts the music system]

RACHEL: Oh, God.

[The stereo system booms out 'Billions of years ago. . .'. Ross gets up and changes it to music.]

ROSS: Sorry.

RACHEL: Ah, so what are we looking at?

ROSS: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.

RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss]

ROSS: You're not laughing.

RACHEL: This time it's not so funny.

[They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.]

RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.

ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.

RACHEL: Oh, thank God.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.]

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you.

ROSS: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: We're not alone. [A church youth group is outside the display watching them]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butthead.]

[they're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off]

JOEY: Is that the fire alarm?

CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time.

JOEY: Cool.

END

The One Where Joey Moves Out

Originally written by Betsy Bornes

Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal]

JOEY: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?

CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.

[Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.]

CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah.

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.

JOEY: Yeah, so.

CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?

JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.

CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.

JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.

JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, Joey and Chandler enter.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion?

JOEY: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch.

PHOEBE: Ahh.

RACHEL: [enters from her room] OK, ready when you are.

PHOEBE: Okey-doke.

MONICA: I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos.

CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?

RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I want to surprise him.

JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.

CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

JOEY: So where you gettin' it?

PHOEBE: I think on my shoulder. [Ross enters]

ROSS: What? What's on your shoulder?

PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.

ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? [to Rachel] Hi.

RACHEL: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool?

ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me?

MONICA: Ross, come sign this birthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute.

CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh?

MONICA: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there.

JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two?

MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.

PHOEBE: No, I think you should tell them.

MONICA: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.

ROSS: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.'

[Scene: The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, and Richard are arriving to Mr. Gellers birthday party.]

ROSS: Alright, shall we?

MONICA: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up.

ROSS: Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. [opens door] We're here.

MRS. GELLER: Oh hi kids. Hi darling.

MONICA: Happy birthday dad.

MR. GELLER: Oh thank you.

ROSS: Hi ma.

RICHARD: Happy birthday.

MRS. GELLER: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?

ROSS: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.

[Scene: The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller and one of Mrs. Geller's friends are preparing the cake.]

FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in?

MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.

FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monica sprays whipped cream all over the place]

MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom.

MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section.

MONICA: Are we still on that?

MRS. GELLER: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.

FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up. [Monica folds her arms over her breasts]

[Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.]

JOEY: Can you believe this place?

CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment.

JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes.

CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Hey.

JOEY: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man.

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it?

JOEY: Huh?

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one.

JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen.

CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richard while Ross observes.]

MR. GELLER: C'mon, tell us.

FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20.

RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything.

MR. GELLER: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.

ROSS: Dad, you really don't want to do that.

MR. GELLER: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?

RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go?

MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster.

RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.

MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .

ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

MR. GELLER: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos.]

PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily?

RACHEL: Well I. . .

PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.

TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.

PHOEBE: Here we go.

RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: You're not going?

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said?

RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe.

PHOEBE: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922?

RACHEL: What's 1922?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?

RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . .

PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?

RACHEL: No.

PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss of you?!!

RACHEL: You?

PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!!

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richard comes in.]

RICHARD: How ya doin'?

MONICA: I'm a twinkie.

RICHARD: Really? I'm a hero.

MONICA: Oh, this is so hard.

RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.

MONICA: Maybe we should just tell your parents first.

RICHARD: My parents are dead.

MONICA: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . . you know what I mean.

RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright.

MONICA: Alright.

RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom] Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.

MRS. GELLER: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support.

[Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Geller enters the bathroom, Mr. Geller peeks his head in.]

MR. GELLER: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one.

MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?

MR. GELLER: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon.

MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.

MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.

MRS. GELLER: Really.

MR. GELLER: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.

MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?

MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.

MRS. GELLER: [they start kissing] Oh Jack stop.

MR. GELLER: C'mon, it's my birthday.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch.]

JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment.

CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.

JOEY: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.

CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.

JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.

CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.

JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.

CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well that's how I feel.

CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well then maybe I will.

CHANDLER: Fine with me.

JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale.]

MR. GELLER: Who's drink can I freshen?

MRS. GELLER: Almost time for cake.

ROSS: Mon, Mon, are you OK?

MONICA: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show.

ROSS: Eww.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica and Richard are alone in the kitchen.]

MONICA: Hey there.

RICHARD: What?

MONICA: Nothing, I just heard something nice about you.

RICHARD: Humm, really?

[Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter]

MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he?

RICHARD: Uhh, not that I know of.

MRS. GELLER: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call?

RICHARD: That - that's an idea.

MONICA: Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone.

MRS. GELLER: Oh?

RICHARD: Oh?

ROSS: Ohh.

MRS. GELLER: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone?

ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal?

MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man?

MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor.

MRS. GELLER: A real doctor?

MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him. [she puts her arm around Richard]

MRS. GELLER: Well that's wonderful. . . I

MONICA: Mom, it's OK.

RICHARD: It is Judy.

MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW!

MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it.

ROSS: I'll take that dad. [grabs the bat]

MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item.

MR. GELLER: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city.

MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie.

MR. GELLER: You're the twinkie?

RICHARD: She's not a twinkie.

MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in. . .

MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship.

MONICA: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man.

RICHARD: Really?

MONICA: Yes.

MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?

MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier.

MR. GELLER: When did I say that?

MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom.

[Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.]

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe her tattoo.]

PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.

RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.

PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.

RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.

RACHEL: You didn't get it?

PHOEBE: No.

RACHEL: Why didn't you get it?

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea.

PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?

RACHEL: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened. . .

CHANDLER: Yeah me too.

JOEY: I know. Yeah.

CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . .

JOEY: No, we're alright.

CHANDLER: So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons]

JOEY: Plastic spoons. Great.

CHANDLER: Lick away my man.

JOEY: These'll go great in my new place. You know, 'till I get real ones.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment.

CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place?

JOEY: I'm movin' out like we talked about.

CHANDLER: Well I didn't think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight.

JOEY: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever.

CHANDLER: Well, there you go.

JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry.

CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.

JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table?

CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it.

JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.

CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.

JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.

CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table.]

MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them?

RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running.

[Rachel and Phoebe enter]

RACHEL: Oh.

MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see.

RACHEL: Is Ross here?

MONICA: No he went out to get pizza.

RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monica her tattoo]

MONICA: That's great.

RICHARD: Very tasteful.

PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: What? You didn't get one.

PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this? [shows her bare shoulder]

RICHARD: What're we looking at? That blue freckle?

PHOEBE: OK, that's my tattoo.

RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.

PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.

RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends over and bears her tattoo right when Ross returns]

ROSS: You got a tattoo?

RACHEL: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world.

ROSS: Lemme see. [looks]

RACHEL: Well?

ROSS: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have thought it would be but. . . wow.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff?

RACHEL: I guess.

ROSS: Hey, save us some pizza. [they go off to Rachel's room]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.]

JOEY: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it.

CHANDLER: Stop talkin' to your men. [Joey scores]

JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine.

CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandler leaves]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. The whole gang is helping Joey pack.]

JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right?

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here.

PHOEBE: I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you.

MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore.

RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra?

JOEY: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accross the street.

CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, I remember.

ROSS: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.

[Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.]

CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?

JOEY: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice.

CHANDLER: Thanks.

JOEY: So, I guess this is it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so.

[Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.]

JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house.

JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

[Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.]

CLOSING CREDITS

END

The One Where Eddie Moves In

Originally written by Adam Chase.

Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.

[Scene: Joey's new apartment. Everyone but Chandler is there. Joey has decorated the place with tons of tacky stuff.]

JOEY: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself.

ROSS: Get out.

ALL: No.

MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh...

JOEY: Art.

MONICA: Art it is.

ROSS: [looking at a glass table with a panther shaped base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide.

RACHEL: [holding a pillow made out of 4 inch red fur] Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?

PHOEBE: [looking at a water sculpture that looks like a window with rain running down it] Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.

JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the challenge.

JOEY: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't come?

ROSS: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing.

JOEY: Right, I go-, I got it.

PHOEBE: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa?

JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. [leads them to the bathroom, gestures towards toilet, everyone stares, uncomprehending] Heh?

RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.

JOEY: No no no, behind it.

ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone in here?

JOEY: That's right, I have a phone in here.

MONICA: Joey, promise me something.

JOEY: Yeah.

MONICA: Never call me from that phone.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Ross are seated. Rachel is walking over with coffee and a piece of pie.]

[Someone bumps into Rachel and she drops the pie in a guy's hood that's seated at the table. She improvises by using the plate as a saucer for the coffee.]

RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered.

CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.

PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.

ALL: OK.

PHOEBE: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat.

ALL: [congradulating her and celebrating]

PHOEBE: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video.

ALL: [celebrating more]

PHOEBE: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album.

[everyone is quiet, unsure if she's done or not]

PHOEBE: I'm done now.

ALL: [celebrating]

[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave]

RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.

ROSS: Get the what?

RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.

[Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out of his hood as he leaves]

GUY: What're you doing?

ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves promptly]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is outside the bathroom yelling at Ross who's in the bathroom.]

MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom.

ROSS: Calm down, I'm blow drying.

[Rachel enters with laundry and starts folding]

MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair.

RACHEL: What's goin' on?

MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .

RACHEL: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now.

MONICA: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!

RACHEL: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue.

ROSS: [comes out] All yours.

MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

MONICA: Shut up.

ROSS: [childish voice] Shut up.

MONICA: Cut it out.

ROSS: [childish voice] Mi-mi-mii.

[Monica goes in the bathroom]

RACHEL: [sarcastically] I've never wanted you more.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar wearing huge dog-slippers]

CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

[Joey's apartment, phone rings]

JOEY: Hello.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey!

CHANDLER: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.

JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.

CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.

JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin'

CHANDLER: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.

JOEY: Oh, well great.

CHANDLER: Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey.

JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?

CHANDLER: That's right my friend. It's time for...

BOTH: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV's]

JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer?

CHANDLER: I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.

JOEY: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love with Yasmine Blepe.

CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe?

JOEY: Hey, hey, they're runnin'

CHANDLER: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between Monica and Phoebe.]

MONICA: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.

JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

PHOEBE: Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler about moving back?

JOEY: You really think he'd take me? I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt him bad.

MONICA: I promise you, he would definitely want you back.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting between Rachel and Ross.]

ROSS: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back.

CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.

ROSS: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated.

RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too.

CHANDLER: But...

ROSS: No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmates anymore.

[Scene: Recording studio. Phoebe is getting ready to record Smelly Cat.]

PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers start singing smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that?

PRODUCER:They're your backup singers... beind you.

PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know.

PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top.

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.

PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross is on the phone.]

ROSS: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comes out of her room] Oh, were you takin' a nap?

MONICA: I was.

ROSS: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That's the other line. [gets the other line] Hello. Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. [hangs up the other line] Call Joanna. [back on with Tony] Hi.

MONICA: Did she leave a number?

ROSS: Did you see me write one down?

MONICA: I don't have her number, butt-munch.

ROSS: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby.

MONICA: I'm not a baby, you're the baby.

ROSS: Look, you wanna get off my back?

MONICA: You wanna get out of my face?

ROSS: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. [answers second line] Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. [gets first line] Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend.

MONICA: Give me that.

ROSS: OK.

MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she starts throwing oranges at Ross who's looking pleased with himself]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar, bouncing a ball against the door. Joey walks in right as he throws the ball and catches it.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: So uhh, how's the palace?

JOEY: You know it's funny you should mention that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes?

CHANDLER: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news.

EDDIE: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss it out?

CHANDLER: Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.

EDDIE: Nice to meet ya.

JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose hat] It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet?

EDDIE: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.

JOEY: Wow.

CHANDLER: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.

JOEY: Oh, now it's a spare room?

CHANDLER: Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare.

JOEY: Well I uh, got what I came for. [puts on moose hat] I'll uh, I'll see you guys.

CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?

EDDIE: [annoying laugh] Is this guy great or what?

JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there.]

MONICA: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?

ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.

RACHEL: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate.

[Pheobe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's Smelly Cat the video.

ALL: [cheer]

PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. [puts the tape in] OK.

[The video is a very dramatic episode with an obviously dubbed voice for Phoebe. Everyone watches in disbeliefe]

PHOEBE: Oh my God.

ROSS: I know.

PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear.

RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh?

PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Joey stops by. Chandler is reading the paper and Eddie is fixing eggs.]

EDDIE: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man?

JOEY: Eddie.

CHANDLER: Morning.

JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. [looks for the mail on the table by the door, it's not there] Where's the mail?

CHANDLER: Oh it's uh, over there on the table.

JOEY: You don't keep it over here on this table any more?

CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there.

EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh?

CHANDLER: Oh, ooh.

JOEY: Huh.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.

CHANDLER: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.

EDDIE: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals.

CHANDLER: See ya. [Eddie leaves]

JOEY: So how you two gettin' along?

CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier.

JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.

CHANDLER: There's another carton right over there.

JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.

CHANDLER: Alright, so what's it about?

JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?

CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally.

JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.

CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Monica are fighting over the remote.]

MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.

ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti.

RACHEL: Would you guys stop.

MONICA: It's my TV.

ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.

MONICA: Bite me.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel.

MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me.

RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy. [goes in the bathroom]

MONICA: OK, what're we gonna do about this?

ROSS: Well, I guess we could tape Entertainment Tonight.

MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.

ROSS: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, alright.

MONICA: I just can't stand you being here all the time.

ROSS: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun.

MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?

ROSS: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we were kids.

MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids.

ROSS: You hated me when we were kids?

MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.

ROSS: Why did you hate me?

MONICA: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.

ROSS: And that wasn't fun for you?

MONICA: Duh-huh!

ROSS: I can't believe you hated me.

MONICA: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to.

ROSS: Really?

MONICA: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off.

ROSS: I can do that.

MONICA: Then I won't have to kill you.

ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment Tonight?

MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what?

ROSS: What?

MONICA: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can.

ROSS: Ohh... OK. [changes the channel]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are hanging out.]

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.

ALL: No.

PHOEBE: Yes.

RACHEL: Well, how did you find out?

PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.

MONICA: So what're you gonna do?

PHOEBE: Well, I can't work with people who would do this.

MONICA: Sure.

PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman.

ROSS: What woman?

PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.

RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what about you?

PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?

EDDIE: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports.

CHANDLER: [stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch.

EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show?

CHANDLER: You don't like that show?

EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know.

CHANDLER: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running.

EDDIE: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.

CHANDLER: Oh o-, OK man.

[Joey's place. He's watching Baywatch, lauging. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to.]

[Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]

[Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]

[All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is performing Smelly Cat.]

PHOEBE: [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody.

ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault.

PHOEBE: Monica.

MONICA: [sings] They won't take you to the vet.

PHOEBE: Chandler.

CHANDLER: [reluctantly sings] You're obviously not their favorite pet.

MONICA: Joey.

JOEY: [sings] It may not be a bed of roses.

PHOEBE: Rachel.

RACHEL: [sings] And you're no friend to those with noses.

PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more.

END

The One Where Dr. Remore Dies

Originally written by ???.

Transcribed by Josh Hodge.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives.]

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR. REMORE: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the last word.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened?

MONICA: We, we just wanna see the end.

AMBER: I want you Drake.

DR. REMORE: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.

AMBER: What?

DR. REMORE: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half- brother.

[Everyone gasps. The show ends.]

RACHEL: So what happens next?

JOEY: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.

CHANDLER: God that is good TV.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.]

CHANDLER: Phoebs, play with meeee.

PHOEBE: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.

CHANDLER: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.

PHOEBE: Why don't you play with your roommate?

CHANDLER: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.

PHOEBE: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?

CHANDLER: No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.

PHOEBE: Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?

CHANDLER: We don't need to remedy that.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. [throws a tennis ball at Eddie's bedroom door]

EDDIE: What was that?

PHOEBE: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.

EDDIE: Yeah alright, that sounds alright.

PHOEBE: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.

CHANDLER: That was so lame.

PHOEBE: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. [leaves]

CHANDLER: So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler and Eddie are talking.]

EDDIE: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who?

CHANDLER: What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.

EDDIE: That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh...

CHANDLER: Well it's not Sean Penn.

EDDIE: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing] That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are listening.]

PHOEBE: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it, thanks, good night.

RICHARD: Phoebe's got another job, right?

RACHEL: Great set tonight Phoebs.

PHOEBE: I know.

ROSS: Well, we should probably get going.

RICHARD: Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the moring.

MONICA: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.

RICHARD: I don't know, I don't have my jammies.

MONICA: Well, maybe you don't need them.

ROSS: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.

MONICA: Shut up, I'm happy.

PHOEBE: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.

RICHARD: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.

PHOEBE: Ok.

RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.

MONICA: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.

RACHEL: Phoebe's dead.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fishtank.]

TILLY: Hi.

CHANDLER: Hi.

TILLY: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick.

CHANDLER: Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank?

TILLY: Thanks.

CHANDLER: Oh, oh, c'mon in.

TILLY: I'm Tilly.

CHANDLER: Oh.

TILLY: I gather by that oh that he told you about me.

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.

TILLY: He's kind of intense huh?

CHANDLER: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...

EDDIE: [walks around corner] A little what?

CHANDLER: Bit country? C'mon in here you roomie.

EDDIE: Hello Tilly.

TILLY: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.

EDDIE: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thougtful.

TILLY: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.

EDDIE: Bye-bye.

CHANDLER: Bye.

[Tilly leaves]

CHANDLER: So, we gettin' a fish?

EDDIE: You had sex with her didn't you?

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up to Phoebe.]

JOEY: Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out.

PHOEBE: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests.

JOEY: Page 42, page 42, page 42.

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.

JOEY: Ooh, I look good.

PHOEBE: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?

JOEY: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'

PHOEBE: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?

JOEY: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?

[Scene: At a writer's desk. The writer is working on a script for Days of Our Lives.]

WRITER: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerkweed.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. The next script is being delivered.]

JOEY: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?

DELIVERY GUY: Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts.

JOEY: They can't kill me, I'm Francesca's long lost son.

DELIVERY GUY: Right. Could you sign this?

JOEY: No. No way, I'm not signing that.

DELIVERY GUY: I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show.

JOEY: How can they do this to me?

DELIVERY GUY: Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are returning.]

MONICA: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage.

RACHEL: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.

ROSS: G'night.

RICHARD: Night Richard. Good luck Mon.

MONICA: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with.

RICHARD: Two.

MONICA: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?

RICHARD: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.

MONICA: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth. [goes in the bathroom]

RICHARD: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.

MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.

[Rachel's bedroom]

RACHEL: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.

ROSS: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number?

RACHEL: Uhhhooo.

ROSS: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them.

RACHEL: Well, there's you.

ROSS: Better not be doin' these in order.

RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.

ROSS: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.

RACHEL: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]

CHANDLER: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.

EDDIE: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.

CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.

EDDIE: Where's Buddy?

CHANDLER: Buddy?

EDDIE: My fish, Buddy.

CHANDLER: There was no fish when she dropped it off.

EDDIE: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?

CHANDLER: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in Monica's bedroom.]

RICHARD: That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?

MONICA: Well yeah.

RICHARD: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet.

MONICA: You really ok with it?

RICHARD: Oh honey, I'm fine.

MONICA: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.

RICHARD: What? Alright, what about my two?

MONICA: Well, it just seems like a really small number.

RICHARD: Right, and...

MONICA: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?

RICHARD: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.

MONICA: But you've only slept with two people.

RICHARD: Right.

MONICA: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right.

RICHARD: Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the bed]

[Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom]

RACHEL: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.

ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.

RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...

ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex?

RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.

ROSS: Knock-knock.

RACHEL: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had.

ROSS: Until now. [jumps on Rachel on the bed]

[later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer, Rachel runs up]

RACHEL: Oh, hi.

MONICA: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.

RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that's great.

MONICA: I know. I just can't find...

RACHEL: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.

MONICA: You need one too?

RACHEL: Ooooh yeah.

[they pull out the box of condoms but there's only one left]

MONICA: There's only one.

RICHARD: Monica.

MONICA: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying to decide something. [shuts the bathroom door]

ROSS: [comes out of the bedroom] Rachel. [growls then sees Richard standing there] Hey.

RICHARD: Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting.

ROSS: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?

RICHARD: No.

ROSS: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?

RICHARD: I have a little comb.

ROSS: Oh. And what do you call that?

RICHARD: A moustache comb.

RACHEL: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month.

MONICA: No.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.

MONICA: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.

RACHEL: Agghhh.

ROSS: So were you in Nam?

RACHEL: Rock-paper-scissors?

MONICA: Yeah.

RACHEL and MONICA: One two three. [Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]

RACHEL: Yeesss.

MONICA: Fine, go have sex.

RICHARD: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.

ROSS: No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voit was...

RACHEL: Honey.

ROSS: What, what oh....[Ross and Rachel go into her room]

RICHARD: Shall we?

MONICA: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.

RICHARD: Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. All but Joey are present.]

CHANDLER: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.

MONICA: Why?

CHANDLER: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.

PHOEBE: Why would you kill his fish?

CHANDLER: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.

RACHEL: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? [they turn on the TV]

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Wait, he's not here yet.

RACHEL: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Alright.

CHANDLER: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.

RACHEL: Oh good.

DR. REMORE: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother.

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.

DR. REMORE: Some guys are just lucky I guess.

INTERCOM: Dr. Remore, report to first floor emergency, stat.

DR. REMORE: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?

DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you.

DR. REMORE: Oh, ok. Alright.

AMGER: I love you Drake.

DR. REMORE: Yeah, whatever. Oh no.

AMBER: Drake, look out.

DR. REMORE: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

MONICA: Did they just kill off Joey?

ROSS: No. [sound of Dr. Remore's body hitting the bottom of the shaft] Now maybe.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside knocking.]

ROSS: C'mon.

RACHEL: Joey.

ROSS: Open up. We want to talk to you.

JOEY: I don't feel like talkin.

RACHEL: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you.

CHANDLER: We're worried about you.

MONICA: And some of us really have to pee.

[Joey opens the door]

MONICA: Sorry Joey [runs to the bathroom]

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks.

CHANDLER: We came over as soon as we saw.

ROSS: How could you not tell us?

JOEY: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out.

RACHEL: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back.

JOEY: Naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.

PHOEBE: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.

JOEY: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

PHOEBE: Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say.

MONICA: Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.

CHANDLER: It's gonna be ok. You know that?

JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.

CHANDLER: I'm sorry man.

RACHEL: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.

JOEY: No, that means nothin to me.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.Chandler walks in to see Eddie holding a tray of cookies.]

CHANDLER: Uhhhaahh.

EDDIE: Pecan sandy, just made em.

CHANDLER: Yeah alright. What're these, raisins?

EDDIE: Uh, sure, why not.

CHANDLER: [throws it across the room while Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?

EDDIE: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you.

CHANDLER: [looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker] Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker.

EDDIE: What's you point man?

CHANDLER: Ok, good night. [walks towards his room] You big freak of nature.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.]

[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]

ROSS: Hey.

RICHARD: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

RICHARD: Ohh, brisk tonight.

ROSS: Oh man.

RICHARD: Let's never speak of this.

ROSS: You got it.

END

The One Where Eddie Won't Go

Originally written by .

Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is sleeping and Eddie is there watching him.]

[Chandler wakes up]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here?

EDDIE: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep.

CHANDLER: Why?

EDDIE: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please.

CHANDLER: I can't sleep now.

EDDIE: You want me to sing?

CHANDLER: No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now.

EDDIE: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man.

CHANDLER: Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you.

EDDIE: No. See now I don't think you're being fair. I mean one night you see me and you get scared, I mean, what about all the other nights when you don't see me, huh? What about last night when you went and got a drink of water and I was nice enough to hide behind the door, what's that about, huh?

CHANDLER: I didn't realize that.

EDDIE: Yeah.

CHANDLER: GET OUT NOW!!

EDDIE: Ok, you really want me out?

CHANDLER: Yes please.

EDDIE: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to hear you say you want me out.

CHANDLER: I want you out.

EDDIE: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.

CHANDLER: Where did you hear it from before?

EDDIE: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie I understand, consider me gone, you know what, I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow.

[Eddie leaves the room and Chandler mouths "Thank you" to himself]

EDDIE: I heard that.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there, Joey enters wearing an old looking hat.]

JOEY: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine workin' huh?

JOEY: Seriously, you like it? This guy was sellin' them on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I though, you know what I don't have?

MONICA: A mirror?

JOEY: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.

MONICA: Wow, for a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in an awfully good mood.

JOEY: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cache.

MONICA: Cache? Jaunty?

JOEY: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oooh, so so so, did you read the book?

MONICA: Oh my God, it was incredible.

PHOEBE: Didn't it like totally speak to you?

RACHEL: Woah, woah, woah, what book is this?

MONICA: Rachel you have to read this book. It's called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about how women need to become more empowered.

PHOEBE: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it.

RACHEL: Men just take out wind?

PHOEBE: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers.

RACHEL: Wow.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit.

MONICA: It is nothing like the Hobbit. It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had, except for Richard.

PHOEBE: Oh yes, no, Richard would never steal your wind.

MONICA: No.

PHOEBE: No, 'cause he's yummy.

MONICA: Yes. But all the other ones.

PHOEBE: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip.

JOEY: Anybody want a croan.

PHOEBE: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my fallic shaped man cakes?'

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency.Joey is there.]

ESTELLE: Don't worry about it already. Things happen.

JOEY: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?

ESTELLE: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

JOEY: No, can we get back to me?

ESTELLE: Look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for Another World.

JOEY: Alright. Cab driver number two?

ESTELLE: You're welcome.

JOEY: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab?

ESTELLE: Things change, roll with em.

JOEY: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.

ESTELLE: Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor.

JOEY: I'm sorry. See ya.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Rachel has just finished reading the book.]

RACHEL: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so.

MONICA: Isn't it.

RACHEL: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'.

PHOEBE: I don't think it would have sold a million copies but it would have made a nice gift for you.

ROSS: Hey you guys.

MONICA: Hey.

ROSS: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go.

RACHEL: NO!

ROSS: No?

RACHEL: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your time table?

ROSS: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning.

RACHEL: No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind.

MONICA: You go girl. I can't pull that off can I?

ROSS: Excuse me, your, your, your wind?

RACHEL: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

ROSS: You, you know I, I don't, have a- have a problem with that.

RACHEL: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. I'm sorry.

PHOEBE: Um-um, um-um.

RACHEL: You're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry. Damnit!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross enter.]

JOEY: What is it?

ROSS: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it.

JOEY: See, this is why I don't date women who read. Uh-oh.

ROSS: What, what's that?

JOEY: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good.

ROSS: Open it, open in.

JOEY: Oh my God.

ROSS: Woah.

JOEY: Look at this, how did I spend so much money?

ROSS: Uh Joey, that's just the minumum amount due, that's your total due.

JOEY: Ahh.

ROSS: What, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain safari?

JOEY: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

ROSS: Well I guess you can start by drivin a cab on Another World.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: That audition.

JOEY: That's a two line part.

ROSS: Joey, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite.

JOEY: So what.

ROSS: So suck it up man, it's a job, it's money.

JOEY: Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgemental and condescending and pedantic.

ROSS: Toilet paper?

JOEY: Yeah.

ROSS: Look, I'm not being any of those things, ok, I'm just being realistic.

JOEY: Well knock it off, you're supposed to be my friend.

ROSS: I am your friend.

JOEY: Well then tell me things like, 'Joey you'll be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin' big's fonna come along, I know it.'

ROSS: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.

JOEY: Hey Ross, I'm aware of what I owe.

ROSS: Ok, well then get some sense. I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long it's gonna be till you get another.

JOEY: Look, I don't wanna hear this right now.

ROSS: Huh, I'm just saying...

JOEY: Well don't just say.

ROSS: Ya know, maybe, maybe I should just go.

JOEY: Ok.

ROSS: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it, ok.

JOEY: I don't need to think about it. I was Dr. Drake Remoray. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen, you'll see. Ross, you still there?

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler peeks in the door. He doesn't see Eddie so he enters, breathing a sigh of relief. Eddie pops up from behind the bar.]

EDDIE: Hey pal.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doin' here?

EDDIE: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's fantastic!

CHANDLER: Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything?

EDDIE: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot fiestier that the last one.

CHANDLER: Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?

EDDIE: Well, not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating my man because right now I'm a dehydrating maniac!

CHANDLER: Look you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time...

EDDIE: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is?

CHANDLER: Your last roommate's kidney?

EDDIE: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey goes up to the bar to order.]

JOEY: Hey Gunther, let me get a lemonade to go.

GUNTHER: Lemonade? You ok man?

JOEY: Ah, it's career stuff. I don't know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show.

GUNTHER: Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it?

JOEY: I fell down an elevator shaft.

GUNTHER: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.

JOEY: What?

GUNTHER: I used to be Bryce on All My Children.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler is sleeping on the couch. Monica walks by and starts watching him.]

[Chandler wakes up]

CHANDLER: Daaahhhh!

MONICA: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh!

CHANDLER: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching.

MONICA: I wa-

CHANDLER: Uuuh.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is returning from Monica and Rachel's with his bedding. Eddie is standing at the bar with his dehydrator and loads of fruit.]

EDDIE: Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.

CHANDLER: Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

EDDIE: What?

CHANDLER: You, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!

EDDIE: You, you want, you want me to move out?

CHANDLER: Uh-huh.

EDDIE: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think?

CHANDLER: This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.

EDDIE: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me twice, you want me to go? Alright, alright, guess I'll be back for my stuff. [walks out the door and after a pause comes back in] But if you think for one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane Jack!

CHANDLER: You want some help.

EDDIE: No help required Chico. [reaches into the tank and grabs the fish and puts it in his pocket]

[Scene: Joey is at the cab driver interview.]

JOEY: All the way to the airport huh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks.

CASTING GUY: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.

JOEY: What?

CASTING GUY: Five oh dollars.

JOEY: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything.

CASTING GUY: That's great.

JOEY: And, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting.

CASTING GUY: Ok, listen, thanks for coming in.

JOEY: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge. You were goin' for the word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. [gets up and leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the coffee table.]

PHOEBE: Ok, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no.

MONICA: And I would have to say pah-huh.

PHOEBE: What?

MONICA: Do you not remember the puppet guy?

RACHEL: Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.

MONICA: And his puppet too.

PHOEBE: Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date.

MONICA: Who?

PHOEBE: Paul.

MONICA: Oh.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30.

MONICA: Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29.

RACHEL: Not uh, not to my recollection.

MONICA: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me.

RACHEL: Only 'cause you took up half the circle.

PHOEBE: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.

RACHEL: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.

MONICA: One hour? You are such a leaf blower.

[Monica goes into her room and slams the door. Rachel does the same. Phoebe, without a door to slam, opens a small chest and slams the lid.]

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is watching movers take all his stuff away.]

JOEY: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last supper, Judas is a little loose.

ROSS: [enters] Oh my God, what's goin' on?

JOEY: They're takin all my stuff back. I guess you were right.

ROSS: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey.

JOEY: Thanks Ross.

ROSS: Yeah. And you should hold out for something bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you not going to that stupid cab driver audition.

JOEY: I went.

ROSS: Great, how did it go?

JOEY: I didn't get it.

ROSS: Good for you.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: You're livin' the dream.

JOEY: Huh?

ROSS: All right then.

JOEY: [movers removing a glass parrot] Oh, not my parrot.

ROSS: What?

JOEY: I can't watch this.

ROSS: [approaching the mover holding the parrot] Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save the bird?

MOVER: 1200.

ROSS: Dollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a plastic bird?

JOEY: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the register.

ROSS: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200?

MOVER: Uh, the dog. [points to a big poecelain greyhound]

ROSS: Huh.

MOVER: Yeah.

ROSS: I'll take it. My gift to you man.

JOEY: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird though...I'll take the dog though.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting ignoring each other. Rachel walks up with two pieces of cake.]

RACHEL: Here are your cakes.

MONICA: We didn't order cake.

RACHEL: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other.

MONICA: You're right.

RACHEL: You know.

PHOEBE: I love you goddesses. I don't ever want to suck your wind again.

RACHEL: Thank you. So are we good?

MONICA: We're good.

RACHEL: We're good?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Ok, let me take these cakes back 'cause they're gonna take that out of my paycheck.

CHANDLER: [enters] Ding dong, the psycho's gone.

MONICA: Are you sure this time?

CHANDLER: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!

EDDIE: [enters] Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's.

MONICA: There is no alley behind Macy's.

EDDIE: So I got it in the junior miss department, big diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna make a hell of a conversation piece at out next cocktail party, huh pal?

CHANDLER: Our next cocktail party?

EDDIE: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like a chip chick.

CHANDLER: Eddie, do you remember yesterday?

EDDIE: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.

CHANDLER: Do you remember talking to me yesterday?

EDDIE: Uh, yes.

CHANDLER: So what happened?

EDDIE: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man.

CHANDLER: Oh sweet Moses.

MONICA: So on this road trip, did you guys win any money?

EDDIE: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh?

MONICA: Nice.

EDDIE: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.

PHOEBE: Is anyone else starting to really like him?

[Scene: Hallway outside Chandler and Joey's apartment. Eddie walks up.]

[Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and Chandler answers the door. He's got the door chained.]

CHANDLER: May I help you?

EDDIE: Why doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doin' downstairs?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?

EDDIE: It's Eddie you freak, your roommate.

CHANDLER: I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joey turns around in the leather recliner]

JOEY: Hello.

CHANDLER: Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man.

EDDIE: No he, he moved out and I moved in.

CHANDLER: Well I, I think we'd remember something like that.

JOEY: I know I would.

EDDIE: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well, uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment then. I, I'm, look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm terriably sorry.

JOEY: Hey no problem.

CHANDLER: See ya. [shuts the door] Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff?

JOEY: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you know, I'm not movin' back in 'cause I have to. Well, I mean, I do have to. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean, this is...

CHANDLER: Welcome home man. [they hug and jump around]

JOEY: A little foos?

CHANDLER: Absolutely.

JOEY: What happened to the foosball?

CHANDLER: Ah that's a cantelope.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are hauling out the porcelain dog from Joey's room. Chandler is holding the dog by the rear in a rather interesting position.]

CHANDLER: Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over?

JOEY: He paid a lot of money for it.

CHANDLER: I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?

JOEY: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky.

CHANDLER: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog.

END

The One Where Old Yeller Dies

Originally written by .

Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe enters to see Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel tearfully watching TV.]

PHOEBE: Hey. Watcha guys doin?

RICHARD: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.

PHOEBE: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: What're you talkin' about?

PHOEBE: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.

ROSS: Yeah but Phoebs, what about the end?

PHOEBE: What when Yeller saves saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?

RACHEL: That's not the end.

PHOEBE: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.

MONICA: What about the part where he has rabies?

PHOEBE: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.

RICHARD: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.

PHOEBE: What, what's about to happen? [starts watching] I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END. [hear the gunshot from the TV]

[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard is on the balcony smoking and Monica is on the phone.]

MONICA: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.

[Chandler and Joey come sprinting in]

JOEY: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over.

MONICA: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.

CHANDLER: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

JOEY: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got a question.

MONICA: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

JOEY: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'

MONICA: Ok. [Richard walks in] Hey, why don't you ask Richard?

JOEY: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?

RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan.

CHANDLER: Ok, that's Eric.

RICHARD: Glad to be of help. Matches. [walks out to the balcony]

MONICA: I meant, why don't you take Richard to the game? What?

JOEY: I don't know.

MONICA: C'mon. Keeps his fingers to himself and he's always minty fresh.

CHANDLER: I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monica gives him a glare] -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.

MONICA: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he might take you on his Jag. [walks off]

JOEY: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car?

CHANDLER: Ok, this could be tough.

JOEY: [Monica walks back in the kitchen] Ok ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.

CHANDLER: Ooh, you almost had it.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.]

ROSS: [smells Ben's butt] No no, you're fine, you're fine.

CAROL: [enters with Susan] Hello

ROSS: Hi.

SUSAN: Hey.

CAROL: Hi honey.

ROSS: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened.

CAROL: What?

SUSAN: What?

ROSS: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it you guys want to see it.

CAROL: Uhh, we know, he already did it last week.

SUSAN: You can watch our tape if you want.

ROSS: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour?

CAROL: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said yumen.

ROSS: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like-

CAROL and SUSAN: Great. That would be fine.

ROSS: Really? I mean, I, I had a whole speach prepared.

SUSAN: Oh shout, that would have been fun.

ROSS: Oh look, did, did you just see that? Did you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before, you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there. Phoebe enters carrying video tapes.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there?

PHOEBE: Ok, Love Story, Brian's Song, and Terms of Endearment.

MONICA: Wow, all you need now is The Killing Fields and some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.

[Chandler and Joey enter]

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

MONICA: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?

JOEY: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.

MONICA: So'd you guys have fun?

CHANDLER: Your boyfriend is so cool.

MONICA: Really?

CHANDLER: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15.

RACHEL: Wow, he must like you the best.

JOEY: Oh, what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw the money, it was like this. [With money in his palm] Hey Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats [shakes his had and passes the dollar].

CHANDLER: You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar back].

JOEY: No problem. Hey Chandler

CHANDLER: I think they get it.

JOEY: Ok.

[Richard enters]

CHANDLER: There's the man.

JOEY: He-he-eyy. [Shakes his had and passes the dollar]

RICHARD: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep this by the way.

JOEY: Ok. He kept my dollar.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben.]

MONICA: So your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do?

CAROL: Uh, we're going down to Colonial Williamsburg.

SUSAN: Yeah, a woman I went to college with just became the first female blacksmith down there.

ROSS: Well, ya know, they're a little behind the times in Colonial Williamsburg.

CAROL: Think I better go before mommy starts weeping.

ROSS: Buy mommy.

CAROL and SUSAN: We love you. Buy.

ROSS: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.

MONICA: Ross.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Look. [they look at Joey in the kitchen with a cigar in his mouth, looking at his reflection in a spatula] Joey, do you know we can see you from here?

JOEY: How come Richard looks so much cooler with one of these than me?

ROSS: Well for starters, you may want to light it and lose the spatula.

MONICA: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Richard.

JOEY: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him.

[Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and a cheesy moustache]

ROSS: Look it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.

CHANDLER: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know.

MONICA: So Joey, why didn't you grow a moustache?

JOEY: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks.

ROSS: Yeah, you really sidestepped that land mine.

CHANDLER: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.

MONICA: You're meeting Richard?

JOEY: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game.

CHANDLER: Yeah, didn't he tell ya?

MONICA: Well, he told me he was going out with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys.

CHANDLER: You hear that? We're the guys.

JOEY: We're the guys.

MONICA: With that moustache doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?

ROSS: Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working. Ross enters with Ben.]

ROSS: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies you said it anyway so you might as well try.

RACHEL: No luck huh?

ROSS: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [she takes Ben and holds him at arms length]

ROSS: What're you doing?

RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben.

ROSS: Yeah, well, he's a baby not a bomb.

RACHEL: Ok.

ROSS: Well just hold him like you'd hold a football.

RACHEL: This is how I would hold a football.

ROSS: Ok, here, here. There we go.

RACHEL: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I mean, you know, since I was one.

ROSS: It's alright, it's no big deal.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally different when it's our baby.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: You think about stuff like that?

ROSS: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies.

RACHEL: Two, two babies?

ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive.

RACHEL: Then what's gonna happen?

ROSS: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale.

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

ROSS: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassau county but the school system's supposedly great.

RACHEL: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, wow, you know what.

ROSS: Huh?

RACHEL: I'm off my break now so uh, um here you take this [hands back Ben] and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door? [leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are there. Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

RICHARD: Hey Phoebs, what's happening?

PHOEBE: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.

MONICA: So you watched the movies huh?

PHOEBE: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies.

RICHARD: Charlotte who?

PHOEBE: With the web, the spider she dies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome home from the hospital, thud.

MONICA: Alright, you wanna feel better?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

MONICA: Ok, here, watch this.

PHOEBE: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard of this.

MONICA: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfullness is baked right in.

PHOEBE: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.

RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?

PHOEBE: Phoebe, just watch that, I promise it will resotre all your faith in humanity.

CHANDLER: [runs in] Hey, big guy, game time.

RICHARD: Hey, be right there.

MONICA: There's a game?

CHANDLER: Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel.

RICHARD: It's the basketball playoffs.

MONICA: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other.

RICHARD: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don't start sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?'

MONICA: Alright that's great, then just go. Go Knicks.

RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs.

MONICA: Oh, then go Vassar.

RICHARD: Uh, they're not in it.

MONICA: Ok, then just go.

RICHARD: Ok. [leaves]

MONICA: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.

PHOEBE: Sure.

MONICA: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do?

PHOEBE: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.

RACHEL: [enters] Aghh.

PHOEBE: Me too. [leaves]

MONICA: I've got a question. Richard made plans again with the guys.

RACHEL: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century.

MONICA: Ya know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there. Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini wax with leftover Cristmas candles.

ROSS: [enters] Ok, what the hell happened back there?

RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.

ROSS: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.

RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.

ROSS: C'mon, what, you never think about our future?

RACHEL: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our childrens' names are gonna be. You know what our childrens names are gonna be.

ROSS: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.

RACHEL: What was the book?

ROSS: The big book of childrens' names.

RACHEL: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we have is amazing.

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonna have to deal with that.

ROSS: Ok fine.

RACHEL: Thank you.

ROSS: We're not done.

RACHEL: I didn't know that.

ROSS: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that.

RACHEL: Fine, I will.

ROSS: Good, 'cause I love you.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well I love you too.

ROSS: Well that's the first time we've said that.

RACHEL: Yes it is.

ROSS: Well, I'm gonna kiss you.

RACHEL: Well you better.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen, Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip.

MONICA: Did you like it?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business or um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.

MONICA: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?

PHOEBE: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing Richard at foosball.]

CHANDLER: Kick save and... denied.

RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?

JOEY: Man you are incredible.

RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college.

CHANDLER: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.

RICHARD: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.

MONICA: [enters] Honey. Uh, not to sound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.

RICHARD: Ok, just one more point.

MONICA: [grabs the other two bars on Richard's side and scores] Score! Now can we go?

CHANDLER: See, that's why we don't let her play.

RICHARD: Is everything all right?

MONICA: Um-hmm.

RICHARD: Uh-oh.

CHANDLER: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.

JOEY: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.

RICHARD: Well.

JOEY: No no, seriously, Chandler and I were just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. [Chandler starts kicking him below the table] I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya know, but Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryin to talk here.

RICHARD: Uh, you guys see me as a dad?

JOEY: Oh yeah.

CHANDLER: No.

JOEY: Nooooo.

CHANDLER: Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.

RICHARD: Uh-huh, yeah.

CHANDLER: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.

RICHARD: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.

MONICA: Nighty-nite.

CHANDLER: You're not a dad. You're not a dad.

JOEY: Not a dad.

CHANDLER: I can't believe you got us into trouble. [slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes exception and slaps him back]

MONICA: [her and Richard return to her place] So are you ok?

RICHARD: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys.

MONICA: Come here. I'll make you feel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck at foosball.

RICHARD: What're you talkin' about, I was killin' 'em.

MONICA: Yeah, well they suck too.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel is changing Ben's diaper under Ross's supervision.]

ROSS: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail.

RACHEL: Ok Ross, just so you know, calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter.

ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] Hello.

CAROL: It's us.

ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. [walks in his room]

RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the diaper] There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi.

BEN: Hi.

RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'.

ROSS: Wha, what?

RACHEL: Ben just said hi.

ROSS: What, the word hi?

RACHEL: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi.

ROSS: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss everything.

RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it out in him.

CAROL and SUSAN: Hello.

RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just said his first word.

CAROL: What did he say?

ROSS: Something about hi.

SUSAN: That's so exciting.

CAROL: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi.

RACHEL: You know, actually it's more like, hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

SUSAN: Ok, this could go on for a while.

CAROL: We've got a cab waiting downstairs.

ROSS: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him.

CAROL: Tuesday.

ROSS: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys.

RACHEL: Take care.

ROSS: Bye Ben.

BEN: Bye.

RACHEL: Did, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said bye to me.

SUSAN: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college.

CAROL: We've gotta go, we've got that cab waiting.

ROSS: Alright, alright, ok. Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.]

ERNIE: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey.

PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]

ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.

PHOEBE: Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

END

The One With the Two Bullies

Originally written by Sebastian Jones and Brian Buckner.

Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is there. Monica is watching stock prices on a business channel.]

JOEY: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel?

MONICA: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting.

RACHEL: Ok honey, you really need a job.

ROSS: Mon, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.

MONICA: Really.

PHOEBE: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there.

ROSS: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh.

PHOEBE: No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name.

EVERYONE: Ahh.

PHOEBE: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.

MONICA: His indian name?

PHOEBE: No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so.

ROSS: Freakish.

MONICA: Wow.

JOEY: Freaky.

MONICA: Weird, weird.

RACHEL: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?

PHOEBE: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him.

MONICA: Why?

PHOEBE: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross enter in sweats carrying rackets.]

CHANDLER: Man, I am so beat.

ROSS: Oh yeah.

CHANDLER: Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here?

ROSS: Yeah alright.

[they sit at the couch]

BIG BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey you're in our seats.

ROSS: Oh, sorry we didn't know.

LITTLE BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey, we were sitting there.

CHANDLER: Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?

LITTLE BULLY: Is that supposed to be funny?

CHANDLER: No actually, I was just going for colorful.

BIG BULLY: What's with this guy?

LITTLE BULLY: What's with you?

ROSS: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee.

[as they're walking off, little bully grabs Chandlers hat from behind and puts it on himself]

CHANDLER: What just happened?

LITTLE BULLY: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat.

CHANDLER: That, that is funny. Can I have it back?

LITTLE BULLY: No.

CHANDLER: No?

BIG BULLY: No.

ROSS: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat.

BIG BULLY: Why should we?

ROSS: Because it's a special hat. [Chandler looks at Ross funny] See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler...

CHANDLER: Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?

BIG BULLY: You got a problem with that?

CHANDLER: No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting there and Monica walks in.]

RACHEL: Hey, how'd the interview go?

MONICA: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries?

RACHEL: So don't do it.

MONICA: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.

JOEY: Monica, relax, go get a beer.

MONICA: I don't want a beer.

JOEY: Who said it was for you?

ROSS and CHANDLER: [both enter looking down] Hhhiiii.

RACHEL: What's the matter with you?

CHANDLER: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.

RACHEL: Noo.

JOEY: You're kiddin'.

ROSS: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.

RACHEL: Oohhh.

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi. [Ross turns to Rachel and they hug]

CHANDLER: Ohhh [turns as if to hug someone] Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.

JOEY: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back.

CHANDLER: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.

MONICA: [seeing TV] Hey, I went up.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it.

JOEY: Do what?

MONICA: Put all my money in me.

RACHEL: Monica, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market.

MONICA: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls...[on the phone] Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store.

[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe pulls up in the cab with Rachel and Joey in the back.]

[Phoebe slams on the breaks. Joey and Rachel are thrown forward into the pillows in their laps.]

JOEY: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea?

PHOEBE: Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'.

RACHEL: We love you, we're here for you.

JOEY: Yeah good luck, good luck.

PHOEBE: Thanks. [gets out of the cab]

JOEY: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich?

RACHEL: Ohh, what is in that?

JOEY: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.

RACHEL: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross.

PHOEBE: [a little dog starts attacking her leg] Hey, hey, no, oh oh.

RACHEL: Run Phoebe run.

PHOEBE: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so wanna love all animals, please no.

JOEY: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone?

RACHEL: Are you kidding me?

PHOEBE: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. [Flings the dog off and jumps in the cab. The dog keeps jumping up to the window.] Ok, alright, we have a problem.

JOEY: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline.

RACHEL: Ok, here, I know what we can do. [grabs Joey's sadwich and throws it out the window]

JOEY: Hey, hey, hey no.

RACHEL: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. [dog ignores the sandwich] Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?

JOEY: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will.

PHOEBE: Are you crazy?

JOEY: Phoebs, he's just a little dog. [turns back to the car window and the dog is halfway through it.] Ahhh.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting at the couch.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

ROSS: What?

CHANDLER: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?

ROSS: Do you say this stuff to girls?

BIG BULLY: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?

LITTLE BULLY: And look where they're sitting.

ROSS: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door.

BIG BULLY: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.

LITTLE BULLY: Yeah.

BIG BULLY: This couch belongs to us.

CHANDLER: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to.

BIG BULLY: You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here.

ROSS: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.

GUNTHER: Fellas, these guys were here first.

BIG BULLY: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize.

LITTLE BULLY: Sorry.

GUNTHER: There you go.

ROSS: Thank you Gunther. We didn't want to have to go and do that.

LITTLE BULLY: He told on us?

BIG BULLY: You told on us?

ROSS: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. [flicks the ends of the big bully's tie]

CHANDLER: Don't play with his things.

ROSS: I know.

BIG BULLY: Alright, let's take this outside.

ROSS: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that?

BIG BULLY: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that.

CHANDLER: You had to ask.

ROSS: Yeah.

[the bullies grab the back of the couch that Ross and Chandler are sitting in and tip back]

ROSS: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys.

LITTLE BULLY: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.

CHANDLER: I think you played the Gunther card too soon.

[Scene: Back in the cab in front of Phoebe's dad's house.]

JOEY: Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I don't know.

RACHEL: What's the matter?

PHOEBE: I just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right.

RACHEL: Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand.

JOEY: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home?

PHOEBE: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again

[She starts the cab and pulls forward. We hear a squish and a dog yelp.]

PHOEBE: [innocently] What was that?

JOEY: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is eating breakfast, Rachel has just gotten up, and Monica is on the phone.]

MONICA: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo.

RACHEL: Time is money my friend?

JOEY: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wall street butt.'

MONICA: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done?

JOEY: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50.

RACHEL: How did you make $17.

MONICA: Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.

JOEY: How come those?

MONICA: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.

RACHEL: What happened to uh, MEG.?

MONICA: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.

JOEY: That is so not my motto.

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey.

RACHEL: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog?

PHOEBE: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow.

JOEY: Good.

RACHEL: Oh, thank God.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.

RACHEL: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?

PHOEBE: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'

JOEY: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'll do it.

PHOEBE: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok. [goes over and grabs the phone that's sitting by Monica]

MONICA: DON'T...be too long with the phone.

RACHEL: She'll be a much better friend when the market closes.

JOEY: [dials the phone] It's a woman.

PHOEBE: So talk to her.

JOEY: [in a fake voice] Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. [hangs up]

RACHEL: Why the voice.

JOEY: [in the voice] Hard to say.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is sitting at the bar, Chandler serves up two mugs of hot water.]

CHANDLER: Your cappucino sir.

ROSS: Thank you.

[they both pour in packets of cappucino mix]

CHANDLER: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house.

ROSS: Absolutely.

[they both stir thier coffee and proceed to stare into the mugs]

ROSS: How come it's not mixing with the water?

CHANDLER:Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle.

[they both try to drink while continuously stirring]

JOEY: [walks out of his room] Hey, this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my neice's christening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there.

CHANDLER: Ok.

ROSS: No.

CHANDLER: No?

ROSS: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys.

CHANDLER: Alright, hang on a second there Custer.

JOEY: Yeah really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?

ROSS: Yeah, sure.

JOEY: By someone besides Monica?

ROSS: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'.

CHANDLER: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back.

[Scene: Outside Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is returning.]

MONICA: [Opens the door] I need to borrow a hundred bucks.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Hi, welcome home. [pulls Rachel inside] I need to borrow a hundred bucks.

RACHEL: For what?

MONICA: I've gotta get back in the game.

RACHEL: Why, when did you get out of the game?

MONICA: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it.

RACHEL: Oh no.

MONICA: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too.

RACHEL: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry.

MONICA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks?

RACHEL: I, I don't have it.

MONICA: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs.

RACHEL: Nobody does honey.

[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is returning the dog who is bandaged up and has a plastic cone around it's neck.]

PHOEBE: Hi.

MRS BUFFAY: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog?

PHOEBE: It was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian.

MRS BUFFAY: What are these, stitches?

PHOEBE: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast.

MRS BUFFAY: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him.

PHOEBE: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home.

MRS BUFFAY: How do you know Frank?

PHOEBE: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here?

MRS BUFFAY: Yeah. Frank.

FRANK: Yeah. What? [a young guy comes around the corner]

PHOEBE: Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior.

MRS BUFFAY: He went out for groceries.

PHOEBE: Ok so will he be back soon?

MRS BUFFAY: Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now.

PHOEBE: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry.

[she turns to leave, Frank follows]

FRANK: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad?

PHOEBE: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too.

FRANK: Heavy.

PHOEBE: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe?

FRANK: No but he didn't really talk about anything.

PHOEBE: Oh.

FRANK: Except stilts.

PHOEBE: Stilts?

FRANK: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts.

PHOEBE: Wow.

FRANK: Yeah.

PHOEBE: I don't know what to do with that.

FRANK: Me neither. So you're like my big sister.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

FRANK: This is huge, you can buy me beer.

PHOEBE: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'

FRANK: I gotta friend named Mark.

PHOEBE: That'll work too.

FRANK: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or somethin'.

PHOEBE: Yeah, that'd be ok.

FRANK: Alright.

PHOEBE: Ok, I'm in the book.

FRANK: Ok, yeah.

PHOEBE: Alright. So um, stilts huh?

FRANK: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.

PHOEBE: Ok.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch nervously.]

ROSS: Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take?

CHANDLER: Would you come on! Come on! [waitress brings their coffee] Thank you.

[They rush to put the cream and sugar in their cups and gulp down a few drinks]

CHANDLER: Ah, there we go.

ROSS: I think we proved our point.

CHANDLER: You burn your mouth?

ROSS: Cannot feel my tounge.

[They leave. As they're walking out, the bullies are walking in.]

CHANDLER: Bullies, big bullies.

LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.

BIG BULLY: Did we not make ourselves clear the other day.

ROSS: Yes, and that's why we're here.

CHANDLER: Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently.

LITTLE BULLY: Let's do this alright.

ROSS: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a weapon?

LITTLE BULLY: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs.

CHANDLER: Alright, let's do this.

LITTLE BULLY: Alright.

[they all put up their fists and prepare to fight]

CHANDLER: Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?

ROSS: Whad'ya mean?

CHANDLER: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.

BIG BULLY: No, you can't use your watch.

CHANDLER: Ok. [reaches in his pocket]

BIG BULLY: Or your keys.

CHANDLER: Ok.

LITTLE BULLY: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. [they all put their keys and watches in the hat and put it on a mail box] Alright, c'mon man, let's do this.

[they all jump in the street and prepare to fight]

ROSS: Before I forget, are we hitting faces?

BIG BULLY: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces?

ROSS: Well because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation.

LITTLE BULLY: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.

BIG BULLY: Ok, nothing from the neck up. [everyone gets ready for the fight] Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating.

LITTLE BULLY: Oh really, you guys tryin' again?

BIG BULLY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?

BIG BULLY: C'MON!

ROSS: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh.

CHANDLER: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff! [some guy runs off with the hat]

ROSS: Hey.

BIG BULLY: Hey.

[they all run off after the guy]

[Scene: Central Perk. The four guys are returning after getting the hat back.]

ROSS: God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.

LITTLE BULLY: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.

ROSS: Yeah he was wasn't he.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything.

BIG BULLY: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope.

ROSS: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here?

LITTLE BULLY: We're ok.

ROSS: Alright.

CHANDLER: Ok so, can I have my hat back?

LITTLE BULLY: No.

CHANDLER: Huh. [reaches over and grabs the hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind the couch]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: The 50's theme cafe. Monica is working the grill, the rest are at a table.]

RACHEL: Look at her.

CHANDLER: Hi Monica.

JOEY: He-he-he, how's it goin'?

PHOEBE: Hey nice boobs.

CHANDLER: Guys guys, check this out.

[Chandler puts a coin in the mini jukebox at the table. YMCA starts playing and Monica and the rest of the staff have to get on the counter and start singing along and dancing. After a couple of couruses, Chandler pulls out a handful of coins and drops them on the table.]

JOEY: Excellent.

END

The One With the Two Parties

Originally written by Alexa Junge.

Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.

[Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.]

MONICA: So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon.

ALL: Ohhh.

MONICA: What?

ROSS: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?

MONICA: You wanna be in charge of the food committee?

ROSS: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?

JOEY: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun?

ROSS: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.

MONICA: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.

[Joey is staring at Monica's breasts]

MONICA: Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See [squeezes her breast] honk honk.

CHANDLER: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday party.]

ROSS: I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come.

MONICA: Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper.

PHOEBE: Why not her?

JOEY: Cause she uh, she steals stuff.

CHANDLER: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.

MONICA: Joey that is horriable.

JOEY: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I didn't know.

JOEY: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok.

[Rachel enters]

ROSS: Hi honey, how did it go?

RACHEL: Agh, it was the graduation from hell.

CHANDLER: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.

RACHEL: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica.

MONICA: So what happened?

RACHEL: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours.

PHOEBE: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents.

MONICA: Well, how bout just her mom?

CHANDLER: Why her mom?

MONICA: Cause I already invited her.

PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?

JOEY: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.]

PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?

MONICA: Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan.

CHANDLER: Excuse me?

MONICA: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.

JOEY: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some goo.

[knock at the door]

MONICA: [answers the door] Dr. Greene. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing here?

MR. GREENE: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?

MONICA: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye.

MR. GREENE: Ohhh, you're having a parteee.

MONICA: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey.

MR. GREENE: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it?

CHANDLER: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir?

[knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs. Greene]

MRS. GREENE: Hi Monica.

[Monica slams the door back shut]

MONICA: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.

CHANDLER: So, basically just a Chinese guy.

JOEY: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.

MR. GREENE: Alright, that sounds like a two person job. [they walk into Rachel's bedroom]

MRS. GREENE: Well, my goodness, what was that?

MONICA: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.

MRS. GREENE: You thought I was Rachel?

CHANDLER: Yes because uh, you look so young.

PHOEBE: And because you're both, you know, white women.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?

CHANDLER: NO! No, I'll take that for ya.

MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...[Joey peeks out]

PHOEBE: [cutting Mrs. Greene off] Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the bathroom]

MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?

JOEY: [peeks back out] Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear] oh, ok we can come back out in the living room.

MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place.

CHANDLER: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again?

MONICA: Because that's where the party is you goon. See this is just the staging area.

JOEY: Right this is staging.

CHANDLER: Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area.

JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall]

[Scene: Later on in the hallway between the apartments. Chandler is showing people to the parties.]

CHANDLER: Alright you guys are off to party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you, you are off to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment] Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin.

MONICA: Chandler could you at least send some women to my party? [buzzer goes off] Alright that's Ross.

CHANDLER: Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment]

RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner.

ROSS: Thanks for being born.

RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you.

ROSS: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok.

RACHEL: Now I love you even more.

[they kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment and turns on the lights]

ALL: Surprise.

RACHEL: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my god. Mom. This is so great.

MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.

RACHEL: Wow you, you. I had no idea.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: No, I knew.

ROSS: All right.

MONICA: Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go now.

RACHEL: Why.

MONICA: Just go.

[they walk across the hall]

ALL: Surprise.

MR. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetpea.

RACHEL: Daddy.

[Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler and Joey's. Rachel is talking to Chandler and Ross.]

RACHEL: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here?

CHANDLER: Well, we could count again.

RACHEL: I can't believe this is happening.

ROSS: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares.

RACHEL: I do.

ROSS: That's who.

CHANDLER: Look, are you gonna be ok?

RACHEL: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.

CHANDLER: Well, actually just one birthday flan.

RACHEL: What?

CHANDLER: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.

[Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.]

CHANDLER: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party.

JOEY: Quick volleyball question.

CHANDLER: Volleyball.

JOEY: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?

CHANDLER: Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.

GIRL'S VOICE: Dennis.

CHANDLER: Ok, that's me. [runs back]

RACHEL: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while.

ROSS: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers?

RACHEL: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok.

[Back in Monica's party]

MONICA: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.

[Back in Chandler and Joey's party]

ROSS: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery....game?

MR. GREENE: It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today.

ROSS: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.

[Back in Monica's party]

MONICA: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. [she demonstrates, Gunther starts to walk to the door] Gunther, where're you going?

GUNTHER: I um, was sorta thinking about maybe...

MONICA: No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker.

PHOEBE: Listen if you wanna go, just go.

GUNTER: No, she'll yell at me again.

PHOEBE: Alright, I can get you out.

GUNTHER: What?

PHOEBE: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.

[Back at Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: I think I need a drink.

ROSS: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want?

MR. GREENE: Scotch.

ROSS: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.

MR. GREENE: Neat.

ROSS: Cool.

MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.

ROSS: I know.

[Back at Monica's party]

MR. GREENE: Oh hello Ross, where have you been?

ROSS: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's father's drink.

ROSS: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway, Mr. Greene is walking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister?

MR. GREENE: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.

ROSS: No. no.

MR. GREENE: Whad'ya mean no?

ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir.

MR. GREENE: Get my glasses too.

ROSS: All righty roo. [closes the door] What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the cigarettes and glasses]

MONICA: Ok, the first person's most embarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny.

PHOEBE: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster?

MONICA: What? [she runs over to where Phoebe is, Phoebe signals for Gunther to go] I don't see anything.

PHOEBE: Great, I'm seeing water rings again.

MRS. GELLER: Ross, whose glasses are those?

ROSS: Mine.

MRS. GREENE: You wear bi-focals?

ROSS: Um-hmm. [puts them on] I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.

MRS. GREENE: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that?

RACHEL: Well those are very popular frames.

ROSS: Neil Sedaka wears them.

GUY: [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out of here.

MRS. GREENE: Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked.

RACHEL: Yeah, like a chimney.

ROSS: Ohh, big smoker. [Packs the cigarettes and flings one on Mrs. Greene in the process. Finally gets one in his mouth and it look really out of place] Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go ou into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. [as he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with Mr. Greene]

MR. GREENE: Are you wearing my glasses?

ROSS: Yes. [pulls them off and hands them to Mr. Greene] I was just warming up the earpieces for you.

MR. GREENE: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes?

ROSS: [pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip.

[Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a guy and two girls at the party.]

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute.

GIRL 1: What about my friend Victor?

PHOEBE: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious.

GIRL 1: Alright, let me just get my coat.

PHOEBE: There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door.

GIRL 1: Is it true they have beer?

PHOEBE: Everything you've heard is true.

[Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is dancing and having fun.]

MONICA: Could you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament.

[Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her]

MONICA: You, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here?

GUNTHER: Um [gestures to dance floor]

PHOEBE: [enters with the three people she got out] Ok, welcome to the fu-oh.

MONICA: Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go.

MONICA: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance... [volleyball hits her in the head from behind]

[Back at Monica's party]

RACHEL: You want me to see a therapist?

MRS. GREENE: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father.

RACHEL: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing.

[Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place.

RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff.

[Monica's party]

MRS. GREENE: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat.

[Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: You work and you work and you work on a boat...

MRS. GREENE: He always ridiculed my pottery classs...

MR. GREENE: ...and you sand it and you varnish it...

MRS. GREENE: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.

MR. GREENE: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County...

MRS. GREENE: ...the scotch and the cigarettes...

MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...

MRS. GREENE: ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but...

MR. GREENE: ...what the hell does she want with half a boat...

[Scene: The hallway after the party. Rachel is sitting there.]

CHANDLER: [running out of his apartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.

RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this?

CHANDLER: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.

RACHEL: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July.

CHANDLER: Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?

RACHEL: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just...

CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.]

[Scene: Monica's party. She is seeing off the last of the guests.]

MONICA: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun.

MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.

MONICA: Ok will do. So glad you came.

MRS. GREENE: I think I saw Rachel out in the hall.

MONICA: Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye.

RACHEL: Oh ok.

MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.

RACHEL: Ok.

[Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.]

JOEY: Ahh, you drive safe.

MRS. GREENE: Ross, what're you doing.

ROSS: I'm getting ready for the water skiing. [Mr. Greene opens the door which pulls Ross in] How are you doing?

CHANDLER: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going?

MR. GREENE: To get my coat.

GUYS: No no no.

MR. GREENE:Alright, alright, I can get my own coat.

[the guys form a wall between Mrs Geller and Mr Geller and dance across the hall as he walks across]

CHANDLER: Sorry, we're on a major flan high.

PHOEBE: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. [opens the door, the guys are right there] Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe.

MR. GREENE: I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you.

PHOEBE: Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway.

JOEY: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. [grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Mr. Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you take care.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, you kids [she caresses his face and chest] Well, this is the best party I've been to in years.

MONICA: Thank you.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Close up of the flan on the table with birthday candles.]

MONICA: Ok everybody, it's time for flan.

CHANDLER: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.

JOEY: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.

MONICA: Ok, that's enough.

PHOEBE: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish.

RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true.

END

The One With the Chicken Pox

Originally written by Brown Mandell.

Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are there.]

[Rachel brings a muffin to Chandler and Monica who are sitting on the couch.]

RACHEL: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one bananna nut muffin left.

[Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler grabs the muffin before Monica can.]

MONICA: Oh, I ordered mine first.

CHANDLER: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster...

MONICA: Give it to me.

CHANDLER: No.

MONICA: Give it to me.

CHANDLER: Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it to her.]

MONICA: [She grabs the coffee cup on the table and licks the rim.] There you go, enjoy your coffee.

CHANDLER: That was there when I got here. [Takes a bite of his muffin.]

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey you guys, you will never guess who's coming to New York.

MONICA: [Chandler tries to come back with a smart-ass remark but can't swallow the muffin.] Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he can swallow.

PHOEBE: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy.

[Chandler is visibly upset]

RACHEL: You went out with a guy in the Navy?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy 'cause he didn't have any change.

JOEY: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man?

PHOEBE: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay.

RACHEL: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time?

[Once again, Chandler has a bite in his mouth and can't come back.]

MONICA: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.

ROSS: [enters] Hiii.

JOEY: Oh no, what happened?

ROSS: Well, I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the chicken pox.

ALL: Oh no.

ROSS: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're gonna get it.

RACHEL: Well I've had it.

JOEY: Yeah, I've had it.

MONICA: Had it.

CHANDLER: Had it.

PHOEBE: Well, I've never had it, I feel so left out. [Sees a red bump on her arm.] Oh look!

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in her bedroom.]

MONICA: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.

RICHARD: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Crochee's Leroy Brown.

[He walks out of the bedroom and Monica starts to remake the bed.]

RICHARD: Monica... [He re-enters the bedroom and Monica jumps on the bed, trying to cover it.] Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town?

MONICA: Baddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat Fat Leroy Brown.

RICHARD: What're you doing?

MONICA: Just waiting for you sweetie.

RICHARD: Are you remaking the bed?

MONICA: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine.

RICHARD: Then, you're redoing it because...

MONICA: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.

RICHARD: You're pretty much running that risk either way.

MONICA: Ok, you see, the tag shouldn't be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner.

RICHARD: Oh, well that's not so crazy.

MONICA: I'm just easing you in.

RICHARD: Oh, alright.

MONICA: Alright, you see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me any more do you.

RICHARD: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.

MONICA: Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey is there.]

CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.

JOEY: But don't you need experience for a job like that?

CHANDLER: It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.

SCOTT: [enters] Hey Chandler, here's this morning's projections.

CHANDLER: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.

SCOTT: No kidding.

JOEY: Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.

SCOTT: Where do you work?

JOEY: Uhh, well, right now I'm in between things. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next day you're not so much... processing any more.

CHANDLER: I was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group.

SCOTT: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha...

JOEY: Ha-ha. [Scott leaves] Are all you processors dorks?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are doing Phoebe's makeup.]

RACHEL: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you.

MONICA: You look fabulous honey, you really do.

PHOEBE: Yeah? Are you sure, really. [She picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.]

RACHEL: You see, you look beautiful. For god sakes, dim the lights.

PHOEBE: I, I, I'm hideous.

MONICA: It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnicles on your butt.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ryan is walks up to the door and knocks.]

PHOEBE: Come in.

RYAN: Hey baby, I'm back... [Phoebe is sitting by the window in a veil.]

PHOEBE: Hey Ryan, what's up?

RYAN: What's goin' on?

PHOEBE: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.

RYAN: Chicken or small?

PHOEBE: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.

RYAN: Why aren't you at home in bed?

PHOEBE: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are.

RYAN: I'm sorry, I never had 'em.

PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh.

RYAN: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.

PHOEBE: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now.

RYAN: Can I please see your face?

PHOEBE: Nope. You don't want to see a face covered with pox.

RYAN: Your face could be covered with lochs, I wouldn't care.

PHOEBE: And you hate fish. Oh. That's so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... [she unveils herself right as a huge lightning bolt crashes outside. Ryan screams in terror.] Oh, I am scary.

RYAN: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely.

PHOEBE: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.

RYAN: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us. [He walks to her and kisses her.]

PHOEBE: Ok, this is the most romantic disease I've ever had.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey, how's the first day goin'?

JOEY: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.

CHANDLER: Well there you go.

JOEY: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.

CHANDLER: Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?

JOEY: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh?

CHANDLER: Weird world. Your kids?

JOEY: I figure my character has kids.

CHANDLER: Ya know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.

JOEY: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.

CHANDLER: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.

JOEY: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did.

CHANDLER: Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Ryan are playing Monopoly.]

RYAN: You know what makes the itching even worse?

PHOEBE: That you don't stop talking about it.

RYAN: Fine.

PHOEBE: Let's just play, ok. Good, ok. [She picks up the dice.] Here we go, double sixes, here we go... [She starts to rub the dice all over herself.] Here we go, come to mama, just getting ready to roll the dice...

RYAN: What're you doing? Are you scratching?

PHOEBE: No. This is what I do for luck, ok.

RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice.

PHOEBE: No.

RYAN: Give me the dice.

PHOEBE: No. Here. [Throws them on the table.] There. Ooh, double sixes.

RYAN: We can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar.

PHOEBE: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body. [Grabs a handful of the houses.]

RYAN: No.

PHOEBE: Give it.

RYAN: No.

PHOEBE: Yeah, come on. You know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel so good. [She starts scratching him.]

RYAN: Oh God help me.

PHOEBE: Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder.

[They get back to back and start rubbing against each other. Ross and Rachel enter.]

RACHEL: Oh, stop that, stop that right now.

ROSS: You know, I might have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man.

[Scene: Chandler's office building. Joey and Jeannie are talking.]

JOEY: You and Milton have to join us on the boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day of it.

JEANNIE: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.

JOEY: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie.

JEANNIE: Bye bye Joey.

JOEY: What a phony.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.

JOEY: Sir.

MR. DOUGLAS: Uh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, we're not gonna receive the systems report until next Friday?

CHANDLER: Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.

MR. DOUGLAS: I have a family, I'm gonna be here.

JOEY: Yeah Bing, what's that about?

CHANDLER: It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.

MR. DOUGLAS: Rough numbers?

JOEY: This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas.

MR. DOUGLAS: Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.

CHANDLER: Uh, if you say so sir.

JOEY: Joseph's good, isn't he?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm going to kill you.

JOEY: Hey, hey, I just figure Joseph's the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, ruffle some feathers.

CHANDLER: Why?

JOEY: Look, I'm sorry but that's what Joseph does, ok. If you try to pull somethin', he'll call you on it. 'What're you tryin' to pull,' he'll say.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica enters her bedroom with a roll of duct tape. Richard is sitting on the bed.]

RICHARD: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something too?

MONICA: This is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mits to their hands.

RICHARD: You're strict.

MONICA: It's for their own good.

RICHARD: You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.

MONICA: Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you like it better now that everything on your desk is perpendicular?

RICHARD: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.

MONICA: Very good.

RICHARD: Thank you.

MONICA: You know what. Tomorrow I'm gonna do your clocks.

RICHARD: You're gonna do what to my clocks.

MONICA: I'm gonna set them to my time.

RICHARD: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time.

MONICA: No no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?

RICHARD: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen.

MONICA: No forget it, I'm not gonna tell you now.

RICHARD: No come on. Come on tell me.

MONICA: No. See you don't understand.

RICHARD: Come on.

MONICA: No. You don't have any of these cute little obsessive things.

RICHARD: No that's not true. That is not true.

MONICA: Oh yeah.

RICHARD: Yeah.

MONICA: Alright, well tell me one of yours.

RICHARD: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks.

MONICA: What if they get mixed up?

RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.

MONICA: You would not. I can't believe this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing.

RICHARD: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep in his chair holding a paper in one hand and a pen in the other. Joey walks in, waking up Chandler who covers by pretending to write on the paper.]

JOEY: Hey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you.

CHANDLER: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?

JOEY: 'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project.

CHANDLER: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?

JOEY: Becasue at first he thought it was Joseph. But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought you should know.

CHANDLER: Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of you go.

JOEY: What're you talking about, everybody loves Joseph.

CHANDLER: I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up.

JOEY: Oh yeah. Well you can't fire Joseph. You know why, 'cause he's not in your department.

CHANDLER: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.

JOEY: Karen.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.

JOEY: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man.

CHANDLER: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.

JOEY: Really?

CHANDLER: No freakshow, she's fictional.

JOEY: Take it easy. If it means that much to you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else.

CHANDLER: Thank you.

JOEY: It's just that, I, I'm gonna miss Joseph. I liked him. His wife, she was hot. [Chadler pushes him out the door by the face.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Ross are in the kitchen. Phoebe is sitting at the couch with oven mits on her hands.]

PHOEBE: Can I please take these off? I swear I won't scratch.

RACHEL: No sorry hon, Monica's orders.

RYAN: [Comes out of the bathroom, also with oven mits on his hands.] Well that wasn't easy.

ROSS: Ok, dinner's on.

RACHEL: And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you.

ROSS: Alright you kids, bye now.

PHOEBE and RYAN: Bye. [waving]

ROSS: Oh look, a low budget puppet show.

PHOEBE: It's such a shame you can't see which finger I'm holding up.

[Ross and Rachel leave.]

RYAN: Wine?

PHOEBE: Please. [Ryan pulls the cork with his teeth and spits it into Phoebe's mits.]

RYAN: Oh, I spilled some.

PHOEBE: I got it. [Wipes it up with her mits.]

RYAN: [Puts his hands over Phoebe's ears.] I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.

PHOEBE: What?

RYAN: Sorry. You look beautiful.

PHOEBE: Oh.

[They start to kiss. They try to get each other's shirts off but can't get the buttons undone.]

PHOEBE: You know what, that's it, that's it. [She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.]

[They keep kissing and start scratching each other. Ross enters, takes one look, and goes right back out the door.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard and Monica are in bed.]

RICHARD: Monica, wake up. Monica.

MONICA: What's up?

RICHARD: I thought of a thing.

MONICA: Yeah?

RICHARD: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.

MONICA: No honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.

RICHARD: Or so I would have you believe.

MONICA: No. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed.

RICHARD: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet.

MONICA: Alright, go on.

RICHARD: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.

MONICA: Oh my God, you're a freak.

RICHARD: Yeah. How 'bout that.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform, getting ready to leave.]

RACHEL: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off to?

RYAN: I really can't say.

ROSS: So do you have like any nuclear weapons on board?

RYAN: I can't say.

RACHEL: Well do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingys.

RYAN: I'm sorry, but I can't say.

ROSS: Wow, it, it's neat learning about submarines.

RYAN: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight.

PHOEBE: Ok, I'll walk you out.

ROSS: Bye Ryan.

RYAN: Pleasure.

RACHEL: It was nice to meet you.

RYAN: Take care.

[Phoebe and Ryan walk outside.]

RACHEL: So do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things?

ROSS: You like that do ya?

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

ROSS: I'll make some calls. [Runs off.]

RACHEL: Ok.

[Outside with Phoebe and Ryan.]

RYAN: Can you believe how we spent our two weeks together?

PHOEBE: I know. We didn't do any of the romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and ya know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. [They kiss.]

RYAN: Taxi.

PHOEBE: Bye you. [Ryan's cab drives off. As Phoebe is going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the window and laughs.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing. Ross walks in in a uniform.]

RACHEL: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor.

ROSS: Is this what you had in mind?

RACHEL: I'll say.

[Ross picks her up.]

ROSS: I'm shipping out tomorrow.

RACHEL: Well then uh, we better make this night count. [He starts to carry her out.] Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. [He carries her over to turn it off.] Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. [He carries her to the counter to pick up her purse.] Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.

ROSS: Alright you know, why don't I just meet you upstairs. [Drops her on the couch and walks out holding his lower back.]

END

The One With Barry and Mindy's Wedding

Originally written by Ira Ungerleider.

Teleplay by Brown Mandell.

Transcribed by Eric B Aasen.

HTMLed by guineapig.

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there as Joey enters]

RACHEL: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go?

JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.

ALL: Who?

JOEY: All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty.

ALL: Wow!

JOEY: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.

CHANDLER: 'Cause he was just so darn cute.

JOEY: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.

ROSS: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. (Rachel looks at him in disbelief) Or you just do it.

JOEY: I did do it, I'm a professional.

MONICA: Then what's the problem?

JOEY: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.

PHOEBE: Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing (Chandler and Monica, give her a look that says 'think about it') Ooh.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: continued from earlier]

CHANDLER: Hey, what did your agent say?

JOEY: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.

MONICA: What, forget it!

RACHEL: Yeah, right.

JOEY: Come on, I need your help here.

PHOEBE: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again.

JOEY: You see this, this is a friend.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, let's go. (they move in to kiss) Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. (they kiss rather passionately) Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend.

JOEY: Then I don't know what it is. What's the problem?

MONICA: Joey, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on.

JOEY: Yeah, that makes sense. (looks at Ross)

ROSS: Over my dead body! (Joey looks at Chandler)

CHANDLER: And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Richard are there]

ROSS: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, and under his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good.

(Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in shock)

PHOEBE: (laughing) Oh my God, you look so good!

RACHEL: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous.

ROSS: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding.

RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy I would.

MONICA: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him. (Rachel glares at her, and she retreats to safety between Richard's legs)

RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself.

(Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and starts laughing)

PHOEBE: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action?

CHANDLER: I may have.

MONICA: Woo-hoo, stuud!

ROSS: What's she look like?

CHANDLER: Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet.

MONICA: Woo-hoo, geeek!

CHANDLER: I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy...

ROSS: Get out!

RACHEL: Nooo!

MONICA: Please!

CHANDLER: Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.

RACHEL: Wow! What's that like?

CHANDLER: It's like this, me, no jokes.

PHOEBE: All right, stop it, you're freaking me out.

RICHARD: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later.

ALL: Bye, Richard.

MONICA: Bye sweetie, (kisses him) I love you.

RICHARD: I love you, too.

(Monica stares longingly at the door, after Richard leaves)

PHOEBE: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.

MONICA: What are you talking about? What wedding?

PHOEBE: Come on, like you never talk that.

MONICA: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?'

RACHEL: Afraid to ask him?

MONICA: Could not be more terrified.

CHANDLER: Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richard and Monica are playing with Ben.]

MONICA: (holding up a blanket) Where's Benny? (drops the blanket) There he is! (does it again) Where's Benny, there he is.

RICHARD: Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out.

MONICA: Hey, you know I got a question for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure.

RICHARD: Okay.

MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future?

RICHARD: Sure I do.

MONICA: Yeah, am I in it?

RICHARD: Honey, you are in it.

MONICA: Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky.

RICHARD: Oh, yeah!

MONICA: Keep talkin'.

RICHARD: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast.

MONICA: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?

RICHARD: Like a hound?

MONICA: Not a basset, a bassinet.

RICHARD: You really need the bassinet?

MONICA: Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future.

RICHARD: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start.

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RICHARD: Look I want you, now.

MONICA: That's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there, Chandler is talking to his new friend on the internet.]

JOEY: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. (Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone.

CHANDLER: Joey, no means no!

[Rachel, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with hat, which makes her look like Little Bo Peep, and Ross enter]

RACHEL: Hey!

CHANDLER: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep.

JOEY: Aww, Rach, I think you look cute (kisses her on the cheek, then looks at Ross) And you, uh, you, you I could eat with a spoon (goes to kiss him).

ROSS: Get away from me I said no!

MONICA: (entering) Richard buzzed. He's waiting downstairs.

JOEY: Oh, Richard's here. I should run down say bye to him (runs out)

ALL: Bye.

PHOEBE: Bye, good luck.

(Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit)

PHOEBE: So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen).

CHANDLER: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words.

PHOEBE: What does she mean by HH?

CHANDLER: (shyly) It means we're holding hands.

PHOEBE: Are you the cutest?

CHANDLER: I'm afraid I might just be.

PHOEBE: You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy.

CHANDLER: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.

PHOEBE: It could be like a big giant guy.

JOEY: (entering) Man, I got this close to him (holds up his fingers) and Monica kneed me in the back. What's going on?

PHOEBE: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.

JOEY: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.

CHANDLER: How do you not fall down more?

PHOEBE: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?'

CHANDLER: All right. (reading her answer) "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married!

PHOEBE: Well at least we know she's a woman.

CHANDLER: I can't believe she's married.

JOEY: Aw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing Chandler's shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and starts comfroting him looking for a kiss).

[Scene: Barry and Mindy's wedding, Monica and Richard are standing in the lobby]

MONICA: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.

RICHARD: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars.(they both start laughing at Richard's poor joke) See, we're having fun.

MONICA: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed to think about.

RICHARD: Neither am I.

[Scene: later the bridesmaids and ushers are getting ready to start, Ross is looking for Rachel]

ROSS: Hey, there.

RACHEL: Hi.

ROSS: Are you all right?

RACHEL: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time.

ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.

RACHEL: God I know, you're right.

(Annoying wedding planner enters)

WEDDING PLANNER: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you.

RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you after the thing.

ROSS: Okay, good luck (kisses her and leaves)

RACHEL: Thank you, Okay, Okay.

[Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her underwear and her butt is showing.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: after the wedding, Ross and Rachel are in the lobby]

RACHEL: Why the hell didn't you tell me!

ROSS: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!'

RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes.

ROSS: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad.

RACHEL: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you.

MR. WINEBURG: Rachel!

RACHEL: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg.

MR. WINEBURG: It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much.

MRS. WINEBURG: You told me you didn't see anything.

MR. WINEBURG: I tell ya a lot things!

MRS. WINEBURG: Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear.

MR. WINEBURG: Stay well.

RACHEL: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today.

MINDY: (entering) Rach! Rach!

RACHEL: Oh, hi!

MINDY: Oh my God, I'm married!

RACHEL: I know.

MINDY: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber.

RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min.

BARRY: (entering) Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now.

RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about?

MINDY: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of....insane.

RACHEL: Insane!

MINDY: ...from the syphilis.

RACHEL: What?!

BARRY: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone.]

JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks into

his room)

(the computer bing, bongs)

PHOEBE: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong?

CHANDLER: What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.

(bing, bong)

PHOEBE: Oh, my.

CHANDLER: What?

PHOEBE: She wants to meet you in person.

CHANDLER: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.

PHOEBE: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.

CHANDLER: Okay, I'll do it!

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! (Chandler runs and picks up his shoes) Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww. (Chandler runs to the bathroom, as the computer bing-bongs) No, you know what you have to answer her, answer her first. (Chandler runs to the computer) No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much. (Chandler walks slowly into the kitchen)

[Scene: at Barry and Mindy's reception, Monica and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth.]

MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.

RICHARD: Okay, last chance. (Monica throws the candy and hits some woman in the back of the head, Richard turns around and says) Again, I'm sorry.

MONICA: You know what, maybe I don't need to have children. You know maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I...(sees two little girls dancing together) I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do.

BEST MAN: (standing up) Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his toast) I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel...

ALL: What?!

BEST MAN: What, (to Barry) you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel...

RACHEL: What.

BEST MAN: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out! (da-doom-chesh)

ROSS: (standing up) Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that...

RACHEL: Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding?

ROSS: Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend.

RACHEL: Oh dear God.

ROSS: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. (da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me (looks for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one) Cheers.

RACHEL: (to Ross) She you in the parking lot.

ROSS: (runs after her) No, Rach!

BARRY: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um?

RACHEL: (after a pause with everyone staring at her, she goes up to the microphone) Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least *one* of your weddings (da-doom-chesh). See now, tonight, all I

really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well (laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except....(starts singing) "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..."

ROSS: Marenge,

RACHEL: (singing) "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.."

ROSS: Everybody!

RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa....

[Scene: later, Richard and Monica are dancing]

RICHARD: Okay, I'll do it.

MONICA: You'll do what?

RICHARD: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.

MONICA: Oh my God!

RICHARD: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team.

MONICA: Really?

RICHARD: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.

MONICA: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.'

RICHARD: But you're not.

MONICA: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one.

RICHARD: God. I love you.

MONICA: I know you do. Me too. (pause) So what now?

RICHARD: I guess we just keep dancing.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's cyberchick to arrive]

CHANDLER: Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?

RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.

CHANDLER: (noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.

ROSS: (seeing her also) Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.

PHOEBE: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...

(Chandler's date walks in)

CHANDLER: Oh my God! (it's Janice)

JANICE: OH.....MY.....GAWD!! (Chandler rushes over and kisses her)

ALL: OH.....MY.....GOD!!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters]

ROSS: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).

JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.

END

The One With the Princess Leia Fantasy

Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene Central Perk, the whole gang is entering]

Joey: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me.

All: Did not, she did not wink at you...(sees that their sacred couch is occupied by strangers).

Chandler: Huh. (They all leave, dejected)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]

Ross: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison.

Rachel: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is The Way We Were.

Phoebe: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss.

Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs?

Phoebe: (singing) Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za.

(Monica enters from her bedroom)

Phoebe: Hi Monica!

Ross: Hey Mon!

Rachel: Hey Mon!

(she just walks straight into the bathroom)

Phoebe: Oh my God, has she slept at all?

Ross: Nope.

Rachel: No, it's been three nights in a row.

Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so.

Phoebe: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in from the bedroom]

Chandler: Morning.

Joey: Morning, hey, you made pancakes?

Chandler: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that.

Janice: (entering and singing) Monica and Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man to cheer up. (laughs hysterically) Good morning Joey.

Joey: (sarcastically) Good morning.

Chandler: Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me.

Janice: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer.

Chandler: I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up.

Janice: (laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss.

Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay.

Joey: (under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!

Janice: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey.

Joey: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her.

Chandler: Nope, not this time.

Joey: Come on, quite yankin' me.

Chandler: I'm not yanking you.

Joey: This is Janice.

Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.

Joey: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking.

Chandler: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is entering from the bathroom.]

Monica: God, look what I found in the drain.

Rachel: What?!

Monica: It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it close to Ross) What do I do with this?

Ross: Getting it away from me would be job one.

Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal)

Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.)

Monica: God, what is wrong with me.

Ross: You need to get some sleep.

Monica: I need to get some Richard.

Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.

Monica: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called!

Phoebe: Maybe, because you told him not to.

Monica: What are you the memory woman?

Joey: (entering) Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything.

Rachel: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together, they're really cute.

Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice?

Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do?

Joey: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross?

Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her.

Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right?

[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is working and Rachel is reading a book in bed]

Rachel: (she leans over and kisses him on the cheek) Honey, I was wondering....

Ross: Hmm?

Rachel: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform?

Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place.

Rachel: Hmm.

Ross: I think I have an old band uniform from high school.

Rachel: You remember not having sex in high school, right?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Well honey, what about you?

Ross: What?

Rachel: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things?

Ross: No.

Rachel: Come on you gotta have one!

Ross: Nope.

Rachel: Ross, you know what...

Ross: What?

Rachel: ...if you tell me, I might do it.

Ross: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia.

Rachel: Oooh!

Ross: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there]

Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that.

Rachel: Really!

Phoebe: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know.

Rachel: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh!

Rachel: Really! That-that great huh?

Phoebe: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya!

Ross: (entering with Monica in tow) Hey!

Rachel: Hi you guys!

Ross: Look who I found standing outside of the Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter.

Rachel: Mon. Hi!

Monica: Hi.

Rachel: Why aren't you at work?

Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home.

Rachel: Why?

Monica: Because I don't work at the Szechwan Dragon.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: You really, really need to get some sleep, honey.

Monica: I know I do.

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Guess what?

Rachel: What?

Ross: They published my paper.

Rachel: Oh, really, let me see, let me see.

Phoebe: Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to her ears to make her hair look like the Princess Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me. (Ross stands up horrified) There he is.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle is showing _oun_ Rush_ore.]

[Chandler enters]

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Wheel!

Chandler: Of!

Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's Count Rushmore!!

Chandler: You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say?

Joey: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going to?

Chandler: No, Janice.

Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the three hocke-teers.

Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice?

Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. (walks into the kitchen, Chandler follows closely, he turns around and gets startled). Oh, hi, you know that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair (holds his hands up to signify she has big hair)?

Chandler: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!

Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know.

Chandler: Well, there you go.

Joey: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember?

Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters.

Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?

Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!

Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna (grimaces and tenses up) pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.

Chandler: Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!

Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a look like 'You stupid idiot!')

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are entering]

Ross: How could you have told her?

Rachel: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a deal.

Ross: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal.

Rachel: Okay, who are you talking to when you do that?

Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us.

Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room stuff.

Ross: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the Staton Island Ferry?'.

Rachel: Were both of those Joey?

Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her.

Rachel: Not even with your best friend.

Ross: Noo!

Rachel: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are.

Ross: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other everything?

Rachel: Pretty much.

Ross: Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times?

Rachel: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol.

Ross: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think.

[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to relax her.]

Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice) Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place.

Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine.

Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out!

Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place.

Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything.

Monica: All right, I'll try not to.

Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky....

Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake?

Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees....

Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine.

Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook....

Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's]

Janice: So, I hear, you hate me!

Joey: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that.

Janice: A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me.

Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big leap there...

Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time together.

Joey: But what does that gonna do...

Janice: For Chandler!

Joey: Okay. I'm in.

Janice: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it: 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!'

Joey: Does it have to be a whole day?

Janice: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me.

Joey: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are entering]

Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civil War.

Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you home?

Monica: Uh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away. (Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe leave)

Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that?

Chandler: Umm, yeah.

Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth....

Chandler: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this?

Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna?

Chandler: We're not gonna talk about girth are we?

Ross: Nooo!

Chandler: Yeah, okay.

Ross: Yeah?

Chandler: Yeah! All right! You go first.

Ross: Okay, okay, I'll go first.

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing....

Chandler: Princess Leia in the gold bikini.

Ross: Yes!

Chandler: I know!

Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay, you-you go.

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: Okay.

Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman.

Ross: Hmph.

Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....

Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!

Chandler: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know...(Ross just stares at him). You don't know!

Ross: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you?

Chandler: You said...

Ross: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there! (Chandler goes over and sits at a table and puts his head down).

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Janice are returning from their DAY OF FUN!]

Janice: We're baack!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: What are you guys doing together?

Janice: Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!! (laughs)

Chandler: Really.

Joey: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You have got competition buddy.

Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler. (laughs)

Chandler: You still can't stand her can you?

Joey: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did.

Chandler: Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot.

Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium.

Chandler: Well, I guess that's something.

Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross.

Chandler: Oh God!

Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex.

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is watching the Civil War videos]

Video:April Twelve, Eighteen hundred, Sixty-One (Monica lights Richard's cigar butt), 4:30 A.M. on Tuesday, the United States garrison at Fort Sumter was fired upon (knock on door) it is now under bombardment by....

(Monica answers the door)

Monica: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here?

Mr. Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night so I thought that I would come into the city for a little Monicuddle. (hugs her) Since when did you start smoking cigars?

Monica: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad?

Mr. Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.

Monica: What makes you think that I might not be okay?

Mr. Geller: I saw Richard.

Monica: Oh.

Mr. Geller: So, how are you doing?

Monica: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay. How's Richard doing?

Mr. Geller: You don't wanna know.

Monica: No, I really, really do.

Mr. Geller: Well, he's doing terrible!

Monica: Really!

Mr. Geller: Worse than when he broke up with Barbara.

Monica: You're not just saying that are you?

Mr. Geller: No, the man is a mess.

Monica: Was he crying?

Mr. Geller: No.

Monica: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til after you left, so he could cry?

Mr. Geller: Maybe.

Monica: I think so.

Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However, (turns around and sees that Monica is sleeping and puts a blanket around her, kisses her, picks up the cigar, and starts watching the video)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is humming the Star Wars theme. Rachel enters, with her hair done up like Princess Leia's, and wearing a belly dancer's outfit, to simulate the gold bikini thing.]

Rachel: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, and you have a really weird look on your face. What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What?

Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's (turns and sees his Mom standing where Rachel is)

Mrs. Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, your like, freaking me out here.

Ross: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life. (Rachel starts looking around and down, with a 'What the hell is going on?' look on her face.)

End

The One Where No-one's Ready

Written by: Ira Ungerleider

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, everyone is getting ready to go to a banquet]

Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. (takes a glass from the fridge.)

Chandler: Taste it.

Joey: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge) Yep, it's fat. I drank fat!

Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey, mister tux!

Ross: Why aren't you guys dressed?

Joey: We have a half hour.

Ross: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at twenty to eight.

Joey: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed.

Ross: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now.

Chandler and Joey: Okay. (they don't move)

Rachel: (entering from bathroom) Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy.

Ross: Really.

Rachel: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi.

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: How come you didn't come over earlier?

Ross: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man.

Joey: Hey, Ross, want some cider?

Ross: No. (to Rachel) So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done.

Rachel: Yeah, I just have to get dressed.

Ross: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes.

Rachel: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing.

Joey: Glass of fat?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross is acting nervous]

Joey: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech?

Ross: No! Do you wanna hear it?

Joey: Am I in it?

Ross: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.

Phoebe: (entering) Hello.

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Whoa!

Ross: Wow, hello! You look great!

Phoebe: Thank you! I know, though.

Ross: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star.

Phoebe: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny.

Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. (to Joey) Get up.

Joey: What?

Chandler: You're in my seat.

Joey: How is this your seat?

Chandler: 'Cause I was sitting there.

Joey: But then you left.

Chandler: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back.

Joey: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else.

Chandler: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat.

Joey: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there (points to the bathroom). Soo...

Ross: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So..

Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!!

Monica: (entering) Hi.

All: Hey.

Monica: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great!

Phoebe: All right all ready.

Monica: (to Ross) Ooh, are you gonna do magic?

Ross: That's, that's funny. Change!

Monica: Hang on a second I just got in.

Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.

Phoebe: We could not, would not want to wait.

Ross: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts.

Monica: Has somebody been drinking my fat? (Joey and Chandler look at each other)

Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) You guys, (holds up an outfit) does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?

Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one.

Monica: Rach, did you check the machine?

Rachel: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind.

Chandler: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up.

Joey: All right! You can have the chair.

Chandler: Really!

Joey: Oh my, would you look at that! (holds up crossed fingers)

Phoebe: (on machine) "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if I'm already there when your playing this message?" (to the guys) Is that too spooky?

Ross: (on machine) "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel. Rach!"

Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) What?!

Ross: Nevermind.

Richard: (on machine) "Monica, it's Richard. Call me."

Monica: Is-is-is that message old or new? (yelling) Old or new?! Old or new?!

Ross: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double beep?

Monica: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?

Chandler: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old.

Ross: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know what I did?

Monica: Huh?

Ross: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. (Rachel starts to follow Monica into her room, but Ross stops her and sends her back to her room.) There we go, there we go.

Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress)

Phoebe: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys!

Chandler and Joey: Sorry Phoebe.

Joey: I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: What am I gonna do?

Ross: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! (clapping) What gets out hummus?! What gets out hummus?!

Phoebe: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out hummus.

Monica: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say?

Phoebe: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that.

Chandler: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy.

Monica: So, should I call him back?

The Guys: Noo! (Monica starts to go back into her room and stops) NO!

Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable.

Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.

Chandler: All right! (jumps up)

Ross: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay.

Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves)

Rachel: (entering from her room) Is this a little too... (sees Phoebe) Pheebs, what happened?

Phoebe: Hummus. I got the hummus.

Rachel: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket?

Phoebe: That won't go with this dress though.

Rachel: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of that. Come on.

Ross: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes.

Rachel: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress?

Monica: I called him.

All: Nooo.

Monica: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what if it wasn't breezy?

Phoebe: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place.

Monica: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy enough.

Joey: Monica, how are you gonna do that?

Monica: I know the code to his answering machine.

Ross: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're dialing, you are dialing.

(Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the chair, they have a show down to see who gets the chair and Joey wins)

Richard: (on machine) "Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a message at the tone."

Machine: "You have two new messages."

Joey: Wow, what a cool job. (in a machine voice) 'You have two new messages.' 'Please, pass the pie.'

Monica: (on machine) "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy."

Joey: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates the breezy.

Woman's Voice: (on machine) Hola, it's me, yesterday was really fun. Call me about this weekend, okay.

Joey: Now she sounded breezy.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier]

Monica: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone.

Phoebe: Monica, you don't know that.

Monica: Well, who's voice was that?

Chandler: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's.

Monica: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle?

Ross: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab.

Monica: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle.

Rachel: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?!

Ross: You don't, you don't know what your wearing?

Rachel: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night.

Ross: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick something out for you.

Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"

Joey: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave)

Chandler: What are you doing?

Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.

Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair!

Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence.

Chandler: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.

Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.

Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.

Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.

Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.

Phoebe: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! (she's wearing another dress on a hanger around her neck)

Rachel: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight.

Phoebe: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi!

Ross: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing?

Rachel: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you.

Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.

Ross: What?

Chandler: (shyly) The sheep.

Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...

Joey: (entering) Where's my underwear?!

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear?

Chandler: He took my essence!

Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?

Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.

Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?

Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.

Chandler: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions.

Joey: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you.

Chandler: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes?

Joey: Hey, opposite, is opposite! (leaves)

Chandler: He's got nothing!

Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's room, wearing a huge bow to cover the stain) Okay, I'm ready.

Ross and Chandler: Oh, aaaah!

Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'

Chandler: What are you supporting?

Phoebe: Duh!! Christmas!

Ross: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. (shows Chandler) Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. (grabs Chandler's watch) What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!!

Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple?

Ross: Just, just, just pick one!

Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys?

Rachel: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants?

Ross: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay.

Rachel: But I...

Ross: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go.

Rachel: All right.

Ross: Thank you!

Monica: (entering from her room) Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to.

Ross: It was, it was her voice.

Chandler: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place.

Michelle: Hola! Hello. Hello?

Monica: Okay. That was her right?

Phoebe: Definitely.

Monica: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now.

Ross: Yay!

(phone rings)

Phoebe: I'll get it, okay. (answers phone) Hi, Monica and Rachel's. (listens) Yeah, just a second, can I ask who's calling. (to Monica) Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that.

Monica: (on phone) Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. (listens) Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, it's that....

Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

Monica: (on phone) Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!! (Michelle hangs up) That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back.

Ross: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Monica: Okay, fine. (runs to her room)

Chandler: They got a phone in there, right?

Phoebe: Okay, we're on it. We're on it.

(Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt)

Ross: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um.

Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo.

Ross: You're not going to go.

Rachel: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.

Ross: How, how, um how can you not be going?

Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going.

Ross: Um, you know, just out of curiosity...

Rachel: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood.

Ross: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled.

Rachel: It's fine.

Ross: No, but, your-your mad.

Rachel: I'm not mad.

Ross: No.

Rachel: I'm just not going.

Ross: Your not going.

Rachel: Right.

Ross: Okay. You know that I-I have to go.

Rachel: Um, hum.

Ross: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.'

Rachel: No.

Ross: No, because your not upset.

Rachel: Right.

Ross: About the yelling.

Rachel: Right, and the humiliating.

Ross: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay.

Rachel: Um, hum.

Ross: We're good.

Rachel: Right.

Ross: Okay. Honey?

Rachel: Yes, Ross. (turns toward him)

Ross: I love you. (goes to kiss her and she turns away.)

Phoebe: (yelling from the bedroom) Get away from that! No! (she comes into the living room carrying the phone) She's just getting dressed.

Chandler: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?

(Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes)

Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!!

Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...

Chandler: Oooo-ooh!

Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)

Ross: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party!

Chandler: Jeez, what a baby.

Joey: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed.

Ross: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there.

Joey: You could drink the fat.

Ross: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation.

Rachel: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting.

Ross: What?

Rachel: I think you should drink the fat.

Joey: Yaaaay!

Ross: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do.

Phoebe: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting out.

Ross: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. (starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking)

Rachel: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go!

Ross: You will?!

Rachel: You were really gonna do that, weren't you?

Ross: Well, yeah.

Rachel: You were gonna drink the fat.

Joey: Let's see what else he'll do!

Ross: (to Joey) How 'bout instead you, go get changed! (to Chandler) You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica!

(Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is walking)

Chandler: Stop it. Stop it!

(Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone)

Phoebe: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no!

Richard: (on machine) Hi, this is Richard.

Machine: You have three new messages.

Monica: Not any more!

Machine: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the tone.

Monica: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole thing. Okay, bye.

Machine: Your outgoing message has now been changed.

Monica: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!!

Monica: (on machine) "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!!

Phoebe: How did you do that?

Monica: I don't know!

Machine: Good-bye.

Monica: Noooo!!!!

Ross: (entering) Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!

Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number.

Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.

Ross: Rachel!! (she enters) Wow! You, uh, you look, wow!

Rachel: And I still have about five seconds to spare. (kisses him) Okay, that was about seven seconds.

Ross: So we're a little late.

Rachel: Come on. (they start to leave) Oh! And, uh, by the way....

Ross: What?

Rachel: I'm going commando, too.

Ross: Awwww!!!

Closing Credits

[Scene: At the banquet]

Sherman Whitfield: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute.

Ross: Wow! What a pleasure.

Whitfield: (sits down) Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written.

Chandler: Excuse me. Hi.

Whitfield: Yes?

Chandler: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat.

Whitfield: What do you mean, your seat?

Chandler: I mean, I was sitting there.

Whitfield: But, you got up!

Chandler: But, I never left the room!

Whitfield: But, you left the chair area.

Chandler: All right, that's it, give me your underwear.

End

The One With the Jam

Written by: Wil Calhoun

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting reading a book and hears the bed in Joey's room creaking, and does a 'Oh no, not again' look on his face.]

Joey: (from bedroom) WHOAA!!

Chandler: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]

Monica: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning.

Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?

Monica: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale.

Rachel: I didn't know there were docks.

[Joey and Chandler enter]

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: Aww, is it broken?

Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. (points to the sling he is wearing)

Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?

Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out.

Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.

Joey: What is this? Fruit?

Rachel: Monica's making jam.

Joey: Whoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?

Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes.

Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. (sees Joey trying some jam from the pot) Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot. (Joey realizes this and spits what he had in his mouth back into the pot.)

Joey: This will just be my batch.

[Scene: Street, Phoebe is being followed by some guy, as they pass a flower vendor. Phoebe turns around and the guy quickly picks up some flowers and continues following her.]

Phoebe: (turns around) Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you.

Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters....

Phoebe: What?

Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?

Phoebe: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.

Guy: Wh..

Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.

Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!

Phoebe: Oh, you're not a dingus.

Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.

Phoebe: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay.

Guy: Well thanks. (starts to leave)

Phoebe: Wait, (grabs him) you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying?

Guy: Not really.

Phoebe: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem to be a really nice guy, you know. Don't be so hard on yourself okay.

Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here (gives her the flowers he bought.)

Phoebe: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of coffee?

Guy: Yeah, okay.

Phoebe: Okay. (they start to leave, he is still following her) Okay, you don't have to walk behind me any more.

Guy: Sorry.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]

Rachel: Mon?

Ross: Mon?

Rachel: (reading) 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.'

Ross: Wait a minute, look.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Look, look, look.

Rachel: What, what, what?

Ross: It's an empty apartment.

Rachel: Oooh.

Ross: We're all alone in an empty apartment.

Rachel: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes (Ross starts kissing her neck) Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything. (they fall onto the couch)

(Chandler enters and they both jump up and pretend that Ross is showing her something in the couch.)

Ross: There it is.

Rachel: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. (to Chandler) Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Chandler: Do I look fat?

Ross and Rachel: Noo.

Chandler: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.

Rachel: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.

Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her....

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?

Rachel: Nooo!

Ross: And it works both ways.

Chandler: Okay, so you both just know this stuff?

Rachel: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on.

Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?

Chandler: That's easy, baggage claim.

Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.

Chandler: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something.

Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. (Chandler makes an 'Ewww' face) Okay, I'm late for work.

Ross: Oh.

Rachel: All right are you guys gonna come down?

Ross: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you.

Rachel: Good luck Chandler.

Chandler: Thank you Rachel.

Ross: Bye sweetie.

Rachel: Bye hon.

Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.

Chandler: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers.

Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. (they sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in bed...

Chandler: Yeah. (they both notice where his hands are)

Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion.

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her (demonstrates on the cushion) and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you.

Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll.

Ross: Yep.

Chandler: Okay, one question.

Ross: Shoot.

Chandler: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is putting jam on his muffin, lots of jam]

Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?

Rachel: (Looks at him) You're so pretty.

Phoebe: (entering) Hi!

All: Hey, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today.

Joey: (with food in his mouth) You talked to him. Are you crazy?

Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.

Chandler: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom.

Phoebe: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute.

Ross: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker.

Phoebe: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her.

Joey: (with his mouthful) Hey, I didn't stalk her. I mean (he sprays Phoebe with crumbs)

Phoebe: Okay, I asked for the news, not the weather.

Monica: (entering) Hey guys.

All: Hey Mon.

Monica: Joey, this is for you. (gives him a jar of jam) It's blackberry curin.

Joey: Aww. (tastes it) Ohh!

Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)

Joey: Put your hands together.

Monica: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch.

Joey: No more jam?!

Rachel: Well, what happened to your jam plan?

Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies.

Chandler: Well, your gonna need much bigger jars.

Ross: What are you talking about?

Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Are you serious?

Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.

Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

Monica: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid.

Chandler: That, that's what's stupid.

Monica: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff.

Rachel: Down at the docks again?

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are cuddling]

Janice: Night-night Bing-a-ling.

Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Malcom is giving Phoebe all of his spy stuff]

Malcom: Here's my binoculars.

Phoebe: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going.

Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. What's this? (picks up a book)

Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it?

Phoebe: Um, not even a little bit.

Malcom: It's about you.

Phoebe: Oh, okay then.

Malcom: (reading) I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me eventhough I'm such a loser. And, then when I was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool.

Phoebe: Good. So what were you thinking?

Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you.

Phoebe: Really?

Malcom: No.

Phoebe: Oh.

Malcom: See that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss you.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. (he kisses her)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam straight out of the jar, and Chandler is staring at him in amazement. Joey offers him some.]

Chandler: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.

Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.

Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us.

Ross: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna.....

Monica: You're gonna what?

Ross: I'm gonna tell Mom.

Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy.

Ross: Crazy.

Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something....

Ross: (interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way...

Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know?

Joey: Check it out!! Jam crackers!

Monica: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. (they all turn and look at Joey) Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!'

Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!

Monica: Joey, this is you!

Joey: Let me see. (goes over and looks at the form) Oh, right.

Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank?

Joey: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. (to Chandler) Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?

Chandler: And that's how you bought it?

Joey: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left.

Monica: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here.

Joey: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.

Phoebe: (entering) Hellooo!

All: Hey.

Ross: How's the maniac?

Phoebe: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'.

Rachel: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore. He quit for me.

Rachel: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows how long, okay, you don't just give up something like that.

Phoebe: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.

Ross: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?

Phoebe: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he is still following her?

Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.

Phoebe: What are you saying I should do?

Monica: I think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.

Phoebe: Thank you, Monica.

Joey: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes.

Monica: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine.

[Scene: Central Perk]

Rachel: Oh my God, what happened? (points to the cast on Janice's wrist)

Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!

Rachel: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.

Janice: Oh, (laughs) I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing.

Rachel: (turns around, not amused) Ross's what?

Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God.

[Scene: Subway station, Phoebe is following Malcom by finding behind the pillars until she comes up to one with a wire mesh garbage can next to it. Malcom stops and starts walking the other way and passes Phoebe, who quick tries to hide behind the garbage can. But, Malcom sees her.]

Malcom: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yes? Yes! Oh.

Malcom: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is! Oh. (picks one up out of the garbage can.)

Malcom: Were you following me?

Phoebe: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.

Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)

Phoebe: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?

Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic.

Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.

Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know.

Phoebe: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Joey: Where you going?

Monica: To the bank.

Joey: Sperm or regular?

Monica: Sperm.

Joey: So you're really doing this, huh?

Monica: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.

Joey: Sounds nice.

Monica: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes...

Joey: No kiddin', hmm.

Monica: What?

Joey: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy.

Monica: Really? Why?

Joey: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like.... Hoyt.

Monica: Hoyt?

Joey: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with a big pool.

Monica: Really, is he a swimmer?

Joey: He's got the body for it.

Monica: I like that. (Joey starts laughing) What?

Joey: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know.

Monica: We do not have one of those signs.

Joey: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids.

Monica: Two girls and a boy?

Joey: Yeah!

Monica: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.

Joey: Sure! (Monica gets very depressed) But hey, you know this way sounds good too.

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again).

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off the last of the jam]

Joey: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it (tries to drink the rest of the jam out of the jar and gets it all over his face, on his chin, nose, etc.) Maybe if they met me in person.

Rachel: Honey, you got a little thing on your...(points to her whole face)

Joey: (wipes a little jam from the corner of his mouth) Did I get it?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: (entering) Hello.

Rachel: Hello.

Ross: (sees Joey) Hey. (walks into the living room) Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second?

Chandler: Sure. What's up?

Ross: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something your already familiar with, uh, women talk! (smacks Chandler over the head with a magazine)

End

The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel

Written by: Alexa Junge

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's: everyone is there and they are watching an info-mercial that stars Joey.]

Host: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries!

Phoebe: Oh, oh! It's on again!

Joey: You guys, can we please not watch this all right.

All: Shhhh!

Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.

Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!

Mike: And there is Kevin.

Joey: Can we please turn this off?

Rachel: Noo way, Kevin.

Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.

Ross: (to Chandler) Are you intrigued?

Chandler: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!

Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.

Joey: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.

(They all start laughing at him)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice are sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is sitting next to them in the chair.]

Chandler: Well, it's official there are no good movies.

Janice: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. (they start to kiss and lean back into Monica.)

Monica: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, (turns sideways on the couch) so that you can bunny bump against my back.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey.

Chandler: Hey, man. What's up?

Joey: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?!

Chandler: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me.

Phoebe: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! (they all stare at her) Okay, it was me!

Joey: How is it you?

Phoebe: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. (shows him her hand)

Joey: Yep, that's my audition.

Monica: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.

Phoebe: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play.

Janice: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.

Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.

Phoebe: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault.

Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.

Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh (starts dialing).

Joey: What, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Phoebe: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on the phone in a different voice) 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.'

Joey: Hang up, hang up. (reaches with his good arm, but Phoebe grabs it and he tries to reach the phone with his other arm but can't because of the sling.)

Phoebe: (on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.'

Chandler: Is anybody else scared?

Phoebe: (on phone) 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?' (to Monica) I need a pen. (Chandler hands her one, but she needs something to right on, so she tilts Chandler's head over and writes on the back of his neck)

Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!

Monica: Oh, now you want a pad.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben]

Carol and Susan: (entering) Hey!!

Ross: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi?

Carol: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it.

Susan: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret.

Ross: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why does he have it, again?

Susan: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business.

Carol: This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is being raised by two women, does it?

Ross: You know what it's fine. If you're okay with the Barbi thing, so am I.

(cut to later in the day)

Ross: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? (makes a monster truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur)

Rachel: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just play with his doll? (uses the Milk Master 2000 to pour milk into her cereal)

Monica: (entering from her bedroom) I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?

Joey: I love that movie. (Joey is using it as a pillow)

Monica: There it is. Joey, what are you doing?

Joey: I'm sorry, it just felt nice.

Chandler: (entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! Answer the phone.

Joey: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater.

Chandler: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight.

Rachel: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice?

Chandler: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes.

Ross: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata?

Chandler: Noo.

Ross: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you.

Chandler: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'

Rachel: Men are unbelievable.

Monica: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away?

Chandler: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.

Monica: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you.

Joey: Hey, you know about that?!

Chandler: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!

(Joey looks quizzically at Ross)

Ross: (to Joey) Where there is no fear of commitment.

Chandler: Do we have any...(turns around and bumps Monica's fake chest) Do we have any thoughts here?

Joey: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs.....get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was.

Rachel: Amazingly, that makes sense.

Chandler: You think?

Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!

Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's beeper is going off]

Phoebe: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again?

Rachel: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents.

Joey: Come on baby, come on!

Phoebe: (on phone, in 'Katelynn's' voice) 'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.'

Rachel: Very nice touch.

Phoebe: (in voice, on phone) 'Okay, go ahead.' (in normal voice on phone) Um, hi Annie. (listens) Fantastic! (to Joey) You got it. (on phone) Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work for scale?' you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, (Joey clears his throat to signify yes) except that I do and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next....(hangs up phone) Op, went through a tunnel.

Rachel: Unbelievable.

Joey: Thank you so much.

Phoebe: It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a car phone before.

Joey: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in.

Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time.

Joey: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two.

Phoebe: Two?

Joey: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love you.

Phoebe: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right

Joey: Nooo, four.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Janice are having dinner]

Janice: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?

Chandler: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. (hands her a present)

Janice: Ohhh, are you a puppy! (opens it) Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper.

Chandler: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.

Janice: Oh, you didn't have to do this.

Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get.

Janice: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer.

Chandler: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip.

Janice: We should?

Chandler: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!

Janice: (laughs) I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay?

Chandler: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay.

Janice: You probably want us to move in together?

Chandler: It doesn't scare me!

Janice: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking about moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know what, it's getting a little late, and I-I should just, um...(starts to leave)

Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are comforting Chandler]

Rachel: Honey, this will help. (hands him a tub of ice cream)

Chandler: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down.

Rachel and Monica: Uff.

Monica: That is never good.

Chandler: Then I got all needy and clingy.

Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it?

Chandler: She said she'd call me.

Rachel and Monica: Ohh! (both grab there stomachs in pain)

Chandler: Oh God.

Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.

Chandler: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.

Rachel: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases.

Monica: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.

Rachel: Yeah, you do.

Chandler: So, you don't think I'm terminal?

Monica: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control.

Chandler: Okay, okay. So, should I call her?

Rachel and Monica: Nooo!

Rachel: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof.

Monica: She has to know that your not ready.

Rachel: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof.

Chandler: So I'm not, not gonna lose her?

Rachel: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser.

Chandler: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'

Rachel: Oh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.]

Ross: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. (singing) 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.

Rachel: G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that?

Joey: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?

Ross: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!

Joey and Ross: Go Joe!!!

Phoebe: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees Joey and starts to leave)

Joey: Pheebs! There you are!

Phoebe: No it's not, sorry.

Joey: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! (catches her in the hallway)

Phoebe: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you wearing, in those....pants.

Joey: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.

Phoebe: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Joey: It's okay, these things happen.

Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.

Joey: I'm, I'm okay. See. (tries to smile, but fails horribly)

Phoebe: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit.

Joey: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally.

Phoebe: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.

Joey: They actually said that?

Phoebe: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I...

Joey: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. (in a very bad Italian accent) I canna work on a new accent.

Phoebe: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah.

Ross: (running into the hall, in slow motion) You'll never get me, Joe!!! (he then pretends that he gets shot repeatedly and falls back against Joey and Chandler's door, dead.)

[Scene: A grocery store that Janice shops in. Chandler is on purpose, accidentally bumping into her.]

Janice: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler makes a sound and she notices him) Chandler!

Chandler: (in a British accent) Hello, Janice.

Janice: What are you doing here?

Chandler: (in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been?

Janice: Are you being British?!

Chandler: (normal voice) No. Not anymore.

Janice: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?

Chandler: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party. (grabs a bag off of the shelf)

Janice: Barley? What kind of party serves barley?

Chandler: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.

Janice: Where is this party?

Chandler: Here in Chelsea.

Janice: Who's party is it?

Chandler: A woman's

Janice: What woman?!

Chandler: (shyly) Chelsea.

Janice: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be? (another guy walks by)

Chandler: Can I be that guy?

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are there]

Phoebe: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on.

Joey: Okay, shoot.

Phoebe: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.

Joey: I didn't get it?

Phoebe: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that.

Joey: Okay, what else?

Phoebe: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb.'

Joey: Oh.

Phoebe: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.'

Joey: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle.

Phoebe: Oh.

Joey: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.

Phoebe: Yeah, no, I understand.

Joey: You do, thanks.

Phoebe: Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave)

Joey: Wait a minute.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent.

Phoebe: (in a coy tone) Oh, you caught me. I am so busted.

Joey: (in a really, really bad Italian accent) That's-ah what I suspected-ah.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is laying on the counter and Rachel and Monica are comforting him again.]

Chandler: ....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.

Monica: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'.

Chandler: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right?

Rachel: Yeah, it is.

Monica: You know what, everything's gonna be okay.

(phone rings)

Chandler: (answering phone) Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. (to Monica and Rachel) Okay, what do I do?

Rachel: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented.

Monica: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call.

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: Hello!

Monica: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy.

Rachel: Yes, and grumpy.

Chandler: What are you, stop naming dwarves! (on phone) Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, and....stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. (listens) Really?! (listens) Really?!

Rachel: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.

Chandler: (on phone) I love you too.

Monica: Aw, it's soo unfair. (they both start digging into the 'good' ice cream)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are picking up Ben, while Monica is pouring chocolate syrup, lots of it, into her ice cream.]

Carol: G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?!

Ross: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose.

Susan: What'd you do, dip it in sugar?

Ross: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.'

Monica: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.

Ross: What?

Monica: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time.

Ross: What are you talking about?

Monica: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag.

Ross: Okay, you are totally making this up.

Monica: How can you not remember? You made us call you...Bea.

Ross: (remembering) Oh God.

Susan: I've literally never been this happy.

Monica: Wasn't there a little song?

Carol: Oh please God, let there be a song.

Ross: There was no song. (to Monica) There was no song!

Monica: (singing) 'I am Bea.'

Ross: Okay.

Monica: 'I drink tea.'

Ross: Okay, that's, that's enough. (retreats to the bathroom)

Monica: '....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... '

Ross: (coming out of the bathroom) Won't you dance around with me.

Monica: A-ha!!! (they all start laughing, as Ross hides in the bathroom)

Closing Credits

[Scene: It's an old home movie of the Geller's backyard, young Ross is dressed up as Bea, and pouring himself/herself some tea.]

Young Ross: (singing) 'I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't you dance around with....' (spills some tea and it drips onto his/her dress) Ohhh! (runs away crying)

Young Monica: (entering the shot) Ross!!! (starts to wipe up the spill)

End

The One With Frank Jr.

Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldnerg-Meehan.

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, there is lumber all over the apartment]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off?

Joey: No. Y'know how we’re always saying we need a place for the mail.

Chandler: Yeah!

Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.

Chandler: You’re building a post office?

Joey: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It’s a one day job, max.

Chandler: Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing some really tight jeans) My word! Those are snug.

Joey: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente’s.

(Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the door. However, only the top half opens, and he trips into his bedroom over the bottom half.)

Joey: Power saw kinda got away from me there.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is pacing back and forth waiting for someone.]

Rachel: (joining Phoebe outside) Hey Pheebs.

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Any sign of your brother?

Phoebe: No, but he’s always late.

Rachel: I thought you only met him once?

Phoebe: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, ‘Frank’s always late.’

Rachel: Well relax, he’ll be here.

Phoebe: No, I know, I’m just nervous. Y'know it’s just y'know Mom’s dead, don’t talk to my sister, Grandma’s been sleeping a lot lately. It’s like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You’re so sweet to wait with me.

Rachel: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You’re not allowed to have cups out here, it’s a thing. (takes her cup and goes back inside)

[Scene: inside Central Perk]

Chandler: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?

Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.

Chandler: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list.

Joey: Her what?

Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can’t get mad.

Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.

Monica: So, Chandler, who’s on your list?

Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.

Rachel: Now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon, and way out of your league?

Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.

Joey: Hey, Monica, who would yours be?

Monica: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list.

Joey: It’s just a game Mon. (makes a ‘Can-you-believe-her’ face to the rest of the gang.) Rach, how about you?

Rachel: Oh, I don’t know, I guess, Chris O’Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson.

Ross: Spiderman?

Rachel: Hardy Boy.

Chandler: Peter Parker.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: What about you honey, who would be on your list?

Ross: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some serious thought. First, I’ll divide my perspective canidates into catergories....

Chandler: (coughing) What a geek!

Phoebe: (entering) Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank.

All: Oh, hi.

Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross.

Frank: How are you?

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Chandler.

Chandler: Hi.

Frank: Hi.

Phoebe: Joey.

Joey: Hey-hey!

Frank: Hey.

Phoebe: This is Monica.

Frank: Whoa!

Phoebe: And this is Rachel.

Rachel: Hi!

Frank: Whoa!!

Phoebe: I’m gonna get coffee.

Frank: Hey, how do you guys get anything done?

Chandler: We don’t, really.

Rachel: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans?

Phoebe: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we’re gonna connect, y'know bond, and everything.

Frank: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.

Chandler: You know, we don’t really take advantage of living in the city.

Joey: I know.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey is drilling a hole in the wall and the drill comes out the other side really close to Chandler’s head. Chandler then rushes out to talk to Joey.]

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I get ‘ya?

Chandler: No, you didn’t get me!! It’s an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!

Joey: Calm down, do you want this unit or not?

Chandler: I do NOT want this unit!!

Joey: Well, you should’ve told me that before, I’m not a mind reader. Hey, we’re out of beer. I’m going to Monica’s.

Chandler: Fine! (goes into his room and slams the door, then he slams the bottom half of the door.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Joey is entering]

Monica: Hey! Where ‘ya headin’ in those pants? 1982?

Joey: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor.

Monica: Why, what’s wrong with my bathroom floor?

Joey: Nothing. It’s just old and dingy, that’s all.

Monica: I highly doubt that. (they both go to the bathroom)

Joey: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. (Monica gasps) Yeah.

Monica: I can’t live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

Joey: Relax. Here hold this (hands her his beer). This old stuff just comes right off. (he bends down to try and lift some tile right in the middle of the floor, in his tight pants.)

Monica: That’s a little more than I wanted to see.

Joey: (manages to pry off only a small piece) Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. It’d take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it. (starts to walk away, but Monica grabs him)

Monica: I can’t leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor.

(Joey places the toliet brush and holder over the hole, which is in the middle of the floor.)

Joey: Eh! There you go.

Monica: You know that’s nice, y'know we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon!

[Scene: Phoebe’s, Frank and her, are sitting on the counh, watching TV]

Phoebe: (sits up) Oh, ew!

Frank: What?

Phoebe: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldn’t, and I thought y'know, I figured that was something I got from our Dad.

Frank: What, wait, you mean like this? (does it)

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. (tries to do it, but can’t)

Frank: Your not doing it.

Phoebe: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and I can’t. We don’t have that....

Frank: When’s your birthday?

Phoebe: Feburary 16th.

Frank: I know a guy who’s the 18th.

Phoebe: Wow, that’s close. When’s yours?

Frank: October 25th.

Phoebe: That’s the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home?

Frank: Melt stuff.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is working on his list]

Ross: Okay, I’ve got three of my five.

Rachel: Three of your five, what?

Ross: Celebrities I’m allowed to sleep with.

Rachel: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought.

Ross: Yeah, it’s hard okay, I only have two spots left.

Chandler: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?

Ross: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely....

Chandler: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving.

Ross: Susan Sarandon.

Chandler: Eh, y'know what, she’s to political, she probably wouldn’t let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first.

Ross: And!! Isabella Rosselini.

Chandler: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she’s too international, y'know she’s never gonna be around.

Rachel: So?

Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who’s gonna be in the country like all the time.

Rachel: Yeah, ‘cause that’s why you won’t get Isabella Rosselini, geography.

[Scene: Phoebe’s, Frank is melting a plastic spoon.]

Phoebe: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.

Frank: Yeah.

Phoebe: So is it like art?

Frank: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone?

Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom?

Frank: No, I wanna melt it.

Phoebe: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I’m just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache.

Frank: (starts laughing) Yeah!

Phoebe: G’night, bro.

Frank: G’night.

Phoebe: Here. (gives him a fire extinguisher) Y'know, just in case.

Frank: Oh, excellent. (starts to melt the fire extinguisher’s hose.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is eating breakfast with Monica while Frank is playing with num-chucks on the balcony]

Monica: What kind of karate is that?

Phoebe: No kind. He just makes it up.

Monica: So how’s it going with you guys?

Phoebe: So far, it kinda blows. I don’t know, I just thought y'know that he’d feel more like a brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and connected and....

Monica: Oh honey, we’re close now but you-you wouldn’t believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and....(Phoebe shakes her head like she doesn’t understand) That’s where the waistband actually goes over your head.

Phoebe: Ah!!

Monica: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.

Phoebe: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?

Monica: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?

Phoebe: I just asked you.

Monica: I just asked you.

Phoebe: I don’t have time for this.

Monica: No, that is what the game is.

Phoebe: Which you just gave up really quickly.

Chandler: (entering) Have you seen Joey?

Monica: What’s the matter?

Chandler: Oh, just this! (turns around and has a paint lid stuck to the back of his pants.) Y’know what it’s my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish.

Joey: (yelling from bathroom) Hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles.

Chandler: What’s going on?

Monica: He’s retiling my floor. (they both run to the bathroom)

Chandler: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up!

Monica: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it.

Chandler: He started mine first!

Phoebe: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly.

[Scene: Phoebe’s, Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.]

Frank: Whoa! Big octopus.

Phoebe: Yeah. (phone rings and Phoebe answers it) ‘Hello. (listens) Oh my God, I totally forgot! (listens) Well can’t someone else do it. (listens) But, I have company. (listens) Yeah, no look, that’s all right I’ll come in.’ (hangs up phone) Um, Frank, I’m really sorry but I have to go to work. It’s-it’s one of my regulars and he’s insisting that I do ‘um.

Frank: Hey, what kind of work do you do?

Phoebe: Oh! I’m a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff.

Frank: You-you work at one of those massage parlors?

Phoebe: Well, y'know we don’t call it that, but yeah!

Frank: (starts laughing) Wow! That’s wild! No, I had no idea.

Phoebe: All righty. I’ll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me?

Frank: You mean like watch?

Phoebe: No, no, you can get one yourself. It’ll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for?

Frank: Well, I don’t think this, y'know.

Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldn’t do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I’ll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited?

Frank: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s bathroom, Joey and Monica are admiring the new floor.]

Monica: It’s beautiful! It’s like the first bathroom floor there ever was. (Chandler tries to go to the bathroom) Whoa! Are you going in there for?

Chandler: What, like a number?

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hi! Bye! (runs to the bathroom)

Ross: Okay, I’m done with my choices, these are final. (holds up a little card)

Rachel: Well, it’s about time.

Joey: Ooh, very official.

Ross: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer.

Monica: And who laminated it?

Ross: That would be me.

Rachel: All right let me see. (grabs the card) Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel?

Ross: Hey, it’s my list.

Rachel: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice.

[Scene: Healing Hands Inc. (Phoebe’s work), Frank is being ushered in, by the arm, to the room Phoebe is in by another girl.]

Frank: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow!

Phoebe: Hey!-Hey! What’s going on?

Frank: She broke my arm.

Girl: He touched my fanny.

Frank: No, she touched mine first!

Girl: That’s my job!

Frank: So wait, what’s the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I can’t touch you?

Phoebe and Girl: Ewww!!!

Phoebe: You can’t have sex with her!

Girl: What’d you think I was, a hooker?

Frank: No, your a masseuse, it’s cool, I’m not a cop.

Phoebe: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes.

Jasmine: Fine. (starts to leave, and points at Frank) I don’t like you!! (leaves)

Phoebe: (turns around and hits Frank) So that’s what you thought I did!! God! That’s not what I do!

Frank: Wait that’s-that’s, what that’s not what you do?

Phoebe: Nooo! Why would you think that?

Frank: I don’t know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I mean, I don’t know.

Phoebe: Whatever, it’s the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways.

Frank: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can’t believe that I screwed it up so bad.

Phoebe: You really thought it was perfect?

Frank: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn’t perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, ‘cause we had all those great talks y'know.

Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?

Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes...

Phoebe: I don’t....

Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn’t melt.

Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm.

Frank: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk to you ‘cause y'know you’re my sister, y'know.

Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah.

Frank: Then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me.

Phoebe: Well, I-I wasn’t hopping mad, y'know.

Frank: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really sorry.

Phoebe: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this.

Frank: This?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Frank: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a hooker...

Phoebe: She wasn’t a hooker.

Frank: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, everyone is there, helping to lift the entertainment center into place]

Chandler: Okay, on three. One....Two....

Joey: Why don’t we just go on two.

Chandler: Why two?

Joey: Because it’s faster.

Chandler: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this ‘two’ talk.

Rachel: Oh!

Joey: All right, but in the future...

Ross: Okay!! Okay!!

Rachel: Come on!

Ross: Heavy thing, not getting lighter!

Chandler: Okay, one...two...

Joey: So we are going on two?

All: All right!! (they lift it into place, however there is one small problem, the unit is so long that it blocks some of both of their bedroom doors.)

Chandler: Oh, good job Joe.

Joey: Wow, it’s big!

Chandler: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!

Joey: Maybe, my ruler’s wrong.

Phoebe: Maybe all the rulers are wrong.

Joey: Look it’s not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door.

Chandler: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how ‘bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours? (throws his shoulder into the center to try and move it, but it doesn’t move.)

Joey: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving some guy coffee.]

Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? (the guy nods) Okay, great. (she starts to walk away and under her breath) You freak.

(Isabella Rosselini enters)

Ross: (to Gunther) Thank you.

Isabella: (to Gunther) Um, coffee to go, please.

(Ross recognises her and goes over to the couch, mouthing ‘Oh my God’

Ross: Isabella Rosselini. (points to her)

Monica: Are you serious? (they all look) Oh my God.

Ross: Damn! I can’t believe I took her off my list.

Monica: Why? ‘Cause otherwise you’d go for it?

Ross: Yeah, maybe.

Rachel: Oh-oh, you lie.

Ross: What you don’t think I’d go up to her?

Rachel: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.

Ross: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.

Rachel: You know what honey, you go ahead, we’ll call her an alternate.

Ross: Okay, hold my crawler.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?

Rachel: Honey, he’s about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I’m just sorry we don’t got popcorn.

Ross: (to Isabella) Hi! Hi, I’m Ross, you don’t know me, but I’m a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? (Gunther hands her change) Or maybe reimburse you for that one?

Isabella: Aren’t you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel, who waves back)

Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that’s okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so I’m allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it’s flattery.

Isabella: I’m sorry. (starts to leave)

Ross: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don’t, don’t just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...

Isabella: Yeah, for you. Is that the list?

Ross: Um, yeah.

Isabella: May I see it?

Ross: Um, no.

Isabella: Come on! (grabs the list)

Ross: But, okay.

Isabella: (reading it) I’m not on the list!

Ross: Um, see, but that’s not the final draft.

Isabella: It’s laminated!

Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.

Isabella: Y'know it’s ironic...

Ross: What?

Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there. (points at a guy and leaves)

Ross: (to the rest of the gang) We’re just gonna be friends.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, they are admiring the entertainment center]

Joey: Y'know what?

Chandler: Umm?

Joey: I bet ‘ya ya I could fit in there. (points to a hole in the center)

Chandler: I’ve got five bucks says you can’t.

Joey: Get out your checkbook, mister.

Chandler: Oh, I think I have the cash.

(Joey successfully enters the entertainment center, and Chandler closes the door on Joey.)

Joey: You are dogged man! I totally fit!

Chandler: Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and puts it through the handles so that the doors won’t open) I’m out five big ones! (puts the money in the crack between the door and frame) Here you go.

Joey: Thank you. Cha-ching! (Chandler starts to leave) Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next time buddy. (Chandler leaves and closes the door) And the drinks are on me!

End

The One With The Flashback

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

{Transcriber's Note: Rachel has two friends that are not named, so I referred to them as Friend No. 1 and Friend No. 2.}

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there including Janice.]

Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you?

Phoebe: Wow, it’s like a dirty math problem.

Ross: I’m sorry the answer there would be...none of us.

Janice: Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid.

Joey: Well, that’s really a different question.

Janice: I’m sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies.

Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.

Monica and Rachel: What?!!

Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!

Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go?

Janice: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever.... almost?

Rachel: Does anybody need more coffee?

Ross: Yeah, I’ll take some.

Joey: Hey, there’s a dog out there!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, three years earlier, Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are there]

Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: Cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight.

Monica: (entering from bedroom) Okay, I’ll be back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe I’m sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone.

Phoebe: You didn’t leave lipstick marks on the phone.

Monica: Oh, then it must’ve been you. Bye. (leaves)

Phoebe: (angrily) Bye-bye! (to Ross) That’s why I moved out.

Ross: Hey, y'know while we’re on that, when are you gonna tell my sister that you don’t live here anymore.

Phoebe: I think on some levels she already knows.

Ross: Phoebe, she doesn’t know that you sneak out every night, she doesn’t know that you sneak back every morning, and she doesn’t know that you’ve been living with your Grandmother’s for a week now.

Phoebe: Okay, well maybe not on those levels.

Chandler: (entering, with a goatee) Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Chandler: I’m never gonna find a roommate, ever.

Phoebe: Why, nobody good?

Chandler: Well let’s see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that’s plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!

Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?

Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I’m not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone ‘Chandler Bing,’ he said ‘Whoa-whoa, short message.’

Monica: (entering) Ross (who has his foot on the coffee table), foot on the floor or come over no more!

Ross: (to Phoebe) Sure, your dresser is missing but this she notices.

Monica: What?

Ross: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by now, soo...

Chandler: Umm, how’s it going with you guys?

Ross: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I finally figured out why we were having so much trouble lately.

Phoebe: Oh, really?

Ross: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well she doesn’t really have any close friends that are just hers, but last week she meet this woman at the gym, Susan something, and they really hit it off, and I-I-I think it’s gonna make a difference

[Scene: Chandler’s, Chandler is interviewing a potential roommate.]

Chandler: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do?

Eric: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope that’s cool.

Chandler: Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know......never.

Eric: Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most weekends at my sister’s beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell you, she’s a porn star. (Chandler breaks his pencil in half)

Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think you’re chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.)

[Scene: Chandler’s, Chandler is interviewing Joey.]

Chandler: (running around the apartment pointing out things) Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, (opens door) Bye-bye.

Joey: Don’t you ah, don’t you wanna ask me any questions?

Chandler: Sure. Ummm. What’s up?

Joey: Well, ah, I’m an actor. I’m fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh, and don’t worry I’m totally okay with the gay thing.

Chandler: What gay thing?

Joey: Ah, y'know just in general people being gay, thing. I’m totally cool with that.

[Scene: the hallway, Monica is coming up the stairs.]

Chandler: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by.

(Joey is leaving and notices Monica, as Monica notices him)

Monica: Hi.

Joey: Hey!

(Joey leaves and Monica mouths to Chandler ‘Oh my God!’)

[Scene: A bar, Chandler is entering.]

Chandler: Hey, Mon.

Monica: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that sucks.

Chandler: Do I ever.

Monica: Chris says they’re closing down the bar.

Chandler: No way!

Monica: Yeah, apparently they’re turning it into some kinda coffee place.

Chandler: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now?

Monica: Got me.

Chandler: (to bartender) Can I get a beer.

Monica: Hey, did you pick a roommate?

Chandler: You betcha!

Monica: Is it the Italian guy?

Chandler: Um-mm, yeah right!

Monica: He’s so cute.

Chandler: Oh yes, and that’s what I want a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one.

Monica: Oh look, the pool table’s free. Rack ‘em up. I’ll be back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt.

Chandler: Okay, but after that, we’re shootin’ some pool.

Rachel: (sitting at a table with some of her friends) (to waitress) Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I don’t think this is.

Waitress: I am so sorry.

Rachel: That’s all right. (to her friends) I mean hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh?

Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the woman, who in one year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS

Rachel: Ummm, I think it’s time to see the ring again. (holds her hand out and they all scream)

Friend No. 2: Oh, isn’t it exciting, I mean it’s like having a boyfriend for life.

Rachel: Yeah, I know.

Friend No. 1: What?

Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. Well maybe it’s just the idea of Barry for the rest of my life. I don’t know I think I feel like I need to have one last fling, y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system. (Chandler is listening in very intensely)

Friend No. 1: Rachel stop!

Friend No. 2: You’re so bad!

Rachel: I’m serious, I really, I think I need just to have some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I see.

(Chandler throws the cue ball under there table.)

Chandler: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball.

Rachel: Yeah, so?

Chandler: (picks it up) And now I’ve picked it up again. (walks over to Monica.)

Monica: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. (to Rachel) Rachel! Hi!

Rachel: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think? (shows her, her ring)

Monica: Oh my God, you can’t even see where the Titanic hit it.

Rachel: Yes, his name is Barry, he’s a doctor, thank you very much.

Monica: Awww, just like you always wanted. Congratulations

Rachel: Thank you. So how-how ‘bout you, are-are you seeing anybody?

Monica: Aww, not right now.

Rachel: Oh, but that’s okay.

Monica: I know.

Rachel: Yeah.

(An awkward silence)

Monica: So, I’ll get-get back to my friend.

Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. (points at Chandler, who holds up the cue ball as a ‘Remember me?’ thing) Listen, can we please have lunch the next time I’m in the city?

Monica: Oh, that’d be great.

Rachel: Okay!

Monica: Thanks.

Rachel: Bye!

Monica: Bye! (to Chandler) Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my life.

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, Ross is on the phone, as Phoebe is walking by carrying a lamp.]

Ross: No real-, honey, really it’s fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye

Phoebe: So what are they doing?

Ross: I don’t know, something girlie.

Phoebe: (to Monica, who’s entering) Hey, you’re early.

Monica: What are you doing with the lamp?

Phoebe: I’m just taking it to be re-wired.

Monica: Oh, well don’t take it to the same place you took the stereo, ‘cause they’ve had that thing for over a week.

(There is a knock on the door, Phoebe answers it, its Mr. Heckles)

Phoebe: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here.

Mr. Heckles: You’re disturbing my oboe practice.

Phoebe: You don’t play the oboe!

Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe!

Phoebe: Then I’m gonna have to ask you to keep it down. (slams the door in his face.)

(in the hallway, Eric is moving in)

Mr. Heckles: (to Eric) Who are you?

Eric: Hi, I’m Eric, I’m gonna be Chandler’s new roommate.

Mr. Heckles: I’m Chandler’s new roommate.

Eric: I-I-I don’t think so.

Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler’s new roommate.

Eric: But, he told me over the phone.

Mr. Heckles: He told me in person.

Eric: That’s weird.

Mr. Heckles: Well, I’m going to go into my new apartment now. (goes over to the door and opens it) Ehh! (Eric leaves)

(inside Chandler’s apartment, Chandler is coming in from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and screams.)

[Scene: the hallway, Joey is moving in, Monica is leaving.]

Monica: Hi, again.

Joey: Hey! (goes into the apartment)

Chandler: (leaving to go to work) Hey!

Monica: Thank you soo, much.

Chandler: Oh, don’t thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work.

(Joey comes back into the hallway and starts to pick up a heavy box)

Monica: You want some help with that?

Joey: Oh, no thanks, I got it. (picks it up) No I don’t!

Monica: Whoa! Are you okay?

Joey: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush.

Monica: It’s the heat. (has her hand on his chest, and then pulls it away) And-and the humidity.

Joey: That’s a uh, that’s a tough combination.

Monica: Do you wanna come in for some lemonade?

Joey: Like you wouldn’t believe. (they go into the apartment) Wow! This is a great place.

Monica: Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable.

Joey: Gotcha.

Monica: This place is really my Grandmother’s. (Joey starts to take off all of his clothes, while Monica gets the glasses and pours the lemonade.) I got it from her when she moved to Florida, otherwise I could never afford a place like this. So if the landlord ever asks, I’m 87 year old woman, who’s afraid of her VCR. So are you thirsty?

Joey: Oh, you bet I am!

Monica: (turning around) Okay, here’s your penis!

Commercial Break

[Scene: continued from earlier.]

Monica: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!!

Joey: You said, you wanna come in for some lemonade?

Monica: So?!

Joey: Whoa, ah!! We’re you just gonna give me some lemonade?

Monica: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up!

Joey: Oh right, right.

Monica: I don’t believe this! When someone asks you in for lemonade, and to you that means they wanna have sex?

Joey: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice. Well, sorry, I just, I thought you liked me. I’m such a jerk.

Monica: It’s okay. I suppose it could happen to anyone, not anyone I know, but... By the way I can still see it.

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, Monica is vacuuming.]

Monica: Pheebs?

Phoebe: Huh?

Monica: Where’s your bed?

Phoebe: It’s not in the apartment? (Monica gives a ‘Come on’ look) Oh no. I can’t believe this is happening again.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-I’ve, I don’t live here anymore.

Monica: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: I’m sorry, I-I-I-I don’t live here anymore. I-I didn’t know how to tell you, but y'know everybody else knows!

Monica: Everybody knows!

Phoebe: That was supposed to be a good thing, I forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know, okay, do you know, I couldn’t sleep for like a month because I got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions.

Monica: Well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion over.

Phoebe: Yeah, I would’ve except I had a big spaghetti stain on the other side.

Monica: What?!?!

Phoebe: Okay, this is what I’m talking about, this. I-I need to live in a land where people can spill.

Monica: You can spill. In the sink.

Phoebe: Aw, honey it’s not your fault, y'know this is who you are, and I love you, and I want us to be friends, and if I keep living here I don’t see that happening.

Monica: I love you, too.

Phoebe: Aww, good. (they hug) What?

Monica: What? I’m just said.

Phoebe: No you’re not, you’re wondering which cushion it is.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (now) Joey is watching Baywatch, as Chandler enters from his bedroom.]

Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching?

Joey: Baywatch.

Chandler: What’s it about?

Joey: Lifeguards.

Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at the TV) Who’s she?

Joey: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her.

(Baywatch goes into one of those running scenes.)

Chandler: Wow! Look at them run.

Joey: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer?

Chandler: Yeah, I’ll go get one.

Joey: No, no, no, don’t get up, I got a cooler right here.

[Scene: Monica’s, Monica is coming out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, as Chandler is entering.]

Chandler: Well, hello!

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Do you have any beers? We’re out of beers.

Monica: (all depressed) Help yourself.

Chandler: You okay?

Monica: Phoebe moved out.

Chandler: Right.

Monica: I don’t understand, I mean am I so hard to live, is this why I don’t have a boyfriend?

Chandler: Noo!! You don’t have a boyfriend because....I don’t, I don’t know why you don’t have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend.

Monica: Well, I think so.

Chandler: Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs her) Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known in real life.

[Scene: the bar, Ross is entering, Phoebe is at the bar, they are the only two in the place.]

Ross: (all depressed) Hi. Where is everybody?

Phoebe: Oh, it’s already closed, Chris gave me the keys to lock up-what is wrong?

Ross: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is kinda over.

Phoebe: Oh no! Why?

Ross: ‘Cause Carol’s a lesbian. (Phoebe is shocked) And, and I’m not one. And apparently it’s not a mix and match situation.

Phoebe: Oh my God! I don’t believe it! Oh, you poor bunny.

Ross: (sets out a bunch of shot glasses and starts to poor himself a drink, many drinks) I’m an idiot. I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and I’d be out and she’d, she’d see some beautiful woman, and, and she’d be Ross y'know look at her, and I’d think, God, my wife is cool!

Phoebe: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover?

Ross: Well, now I do!!

Phoebe: I’m sorry.

Ross: Seven years. I mean we’ve been together seven years, she’s the only woman who’s ever loved me, and the only woman I’ve-I’ve ever....

Phoebe: Aw, God Ross. Oh.(goes over and hugs him)

[Scene: Monica’s, Chandler and Monica are still hugging each other.]

Chandler: Umm, this is nice.

Monica: I know, it is isn’t it?

Chandler: No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton?

Monica: Yeah! And I got it on sale, too.

Chandler: Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device.

Monica: Well, if you wanna get a drink later we can.

Chandler: Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to leave) Oh, and listen, it’s, it’s gonna be....

Monica: I know. Thanks. (Chandler leaves)

[Scene: the bar, Phoebe is still hugging Ross.]

Ross: Maybe this would’ve happened if I’d been more nurturing, or I’d paid more attention, or I... had a uterus. I can’t believe this!

Phoebe: I know no, no, y'know you don’t deserve this, you don’t Ross. You’re, you’re really, you’re so good. (kisses him on the cheek)

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: And you’re so sweet. (kisses him on the other cheek) And you’re kind (kisses him on the lips)

Ross: Thanks. (kisses her on the lips)

(They pause, and they the start kissing passionately, and taking off each others clothes, and they start to lie down on the pool table.)

Ross: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Phoebe: Huh?

(Ross tries to clear off the pool table by knocking the balls to the other end of the table, but they all bounce back, and he frantically starts to throw them into the pockets.)

Phoebe: Okay, it’s okay.

(Phoebe jumps on to the table and lays down, Ross follows her and hits his head on the light hanging over the pool table.)

Phoebe: Oh. (they start kissing again)

Ross: Wait, wait, wait.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: My foot is stuck in the pocket.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: No, I can’t get it out.

Phoebe: Well, that’s not something a girl wants to hear.

Ross: No, come on don’t start. (they start kissing again) Ouch!

Phoebe: What?

Ross: Stupid balls are in the way. (holds up two balls)

(They both look at each other and start laughing (Lisa almost lost it there), and sit up. Ross hits his head on the lamp again.)

Ross: Oh well. It probably would’ve been the most constructive solution.

Phoebe: You have chalk on your face.

Ross: Huh? (the rest of the gang enters)

Phoebe: Oh, Ross you’re right, I don’t know why I always thought this was real grass.

Monica: Hey, are you okay?

Ross: My wife’s a lesbian.

Joey: Cool!!

Chandler: Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. (they shake hands)

Ross: Hi.

Closing Credits

[Scene: the bar, Chandler is playing pool, as Rachel enters.]

Chandler: I can’t believe you came back.

Rachel: Don’t say anything. I don’t wanna speak, I don’t wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now.

(She hits the jukebox Fonzy style, and It’s That Time of Season starts to play, as they start to kiss.)

Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel! (stirs Rachel from her dream, she’s in her car driving back from the city)

Rachel: What?

Friend No. 2: You missed the exit!

Rachel: Oh, sorry.

Friend No. 1: My God, what were you thinking about?

Rachel: Um, (shyly) Barry.

Her Friends: Awwww!!

End

The One With the Race Car Bed

Written by: Seth Kurland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.]

Ross: So I told Carl, ‘Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.’ But of course this went in one ear and out.....

Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he’s Alan Alda.

Monica: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?

Chandler: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.

Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.

(Joey is singing in his head.)

Phoebe: Who’s singing?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, they’re watching Happy Days.]

Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.

Monica: I was always Joanne.

Joey: Question. Was ah, ‘Egg the Gellers!’ the war cry of your neighbourhood?

(A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice’s ex-husband, comes on TV.)

Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It’s the Mattress King!

Joey: Booo!!

Chandler: (to Janice) Don’t look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!

Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.

Matress King: (on TV) ‘Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I’m so depressed I’m going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I’m going medieval on prices!

Chandler: What a wank!

Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he’s using our divorce to sell mattresses.

Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And I’m appalled for you by the way.

Matress King: (on TV) I’m close. I’m cheap. I’m the king.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey.]

Rachel: ‘Okay. (listens) Okay, daddy we’ll see you tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.’ (hangs up)

Ross: We?

Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that’s okay.

Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow’s not so good, I’m supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.

Rachel: Ross, my father doesn’t hate you.

Ross: Please, he refers to me as ‘wethead’.

Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I’ll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.

Chandler: (leaning in) I’ll go.

Ross: Fine.

Rachel: Thank you.

Ross: Hi Gunther.

Gunther: Yeah, we’ll see!

Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Guess what?

Ross: What?

Joey: I got a gig!

All: Yay!!

Chandler: See, that’s why I could never be an actor. Because I can’t say gig.

Phoebe: Yeah, I can’t say croissant. (realises) Oh my God!

Monica: What’s the part?

Joey: Well, it’s not a part, no. I’m teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.

Ross: Come on! That’s great.

All: Wow!

Joey: Yeah, yeah. It’s like my chance to give something back to the acting community.

Ross: Y’know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.

Joey: (glares at him) I know!

[Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress.]

Phoebe: Ugh! I don’t know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice’s ex-husband, that’s like betraying Chandler.

Monica: Not at these prices.

Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the ‘that went right over your head’ motion) Woo!

Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.

Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler’s your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.

[Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before he’s done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.]

Joey: Good evening. I’m Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don’t have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the delievery guy.]

Joey: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?

Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, ’Hey, the bell doesn’t dismiss you, I dismiss you.’

Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.

Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.

Phoebe: Oh, yay!

Joey: Yeah, it’s this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I’m so, so right for it, y'know, he’s just like me. Except he’s a boxer, and has an evil twin.

(There is a knock on the door.)

Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delievery guy.)

Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller?

Phoebe: Okay.

Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)

Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It’s that bedroom there. (points to Monica’s room)

Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?

Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don’t say anything to Chandler.

Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?

Phoebe: Is that a problem?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let’s see what you got. All right ya, put ‘em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)

Joey: Hey, you’re ah, pretty good at this.

Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men weren’t acting Christian enough.

Joey: Ahh!

(Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the nose.)

Joey: Hey now!

(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey’s nose, causing it to bleed.)

Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I’m bleeding.

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Joey: Okay, great.

Phoebe: Wow! And I’m a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I’m sorry, we’ll put some ice on it.

Joey: Okay.

Phoebe: ‘Kay, put your head back.

Joey: All right. I can’t see.

Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God.

Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?

Phoebe: Oh, it’s the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.

Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.)

[Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner.]

Rachel: Hi Daddy!

Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby.

Rachel: You remember Ross.

Dr. Green: Um-hmm.

Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green.

Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) How’s the library?

Ross: Ugh, museum.

Dr. Green: What happened to the library?

Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one.

Dr. Green: You know what’s really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.

Ross: Yeah, if you’re really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke.

Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.

Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.

Ross: It’s not a library...

Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! It’s a museum! What, you’re the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I don’t know to the waiter.)

[Scene: After dinner.]

Ross: So, Dr. Green, how’s the old boat.

Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?

Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look.

Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.

Ross: Wow. I’m sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that)

Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)

Rachel: Aw honey stop! It’s not that bad.

Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must’ve added wrong. He only tipped like four percent.

Rachel: Yeah. That’s Daddy.

Ross: That’s Daddy?! But doesn’t it bother you? You’re a waitress.

Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I’d be serving him sneezers.

Ross: So?

Rachel: So. Ross, I’ve bugged him about this a million times, he’s not gonna change.

Ross: You really serve people sneezers?

Rachel: Well um, I don’t.

Dr Green: You kids ready?

Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green.

Dr. Green: All right.

(Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green isn’t looking.)

Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.

Ross: Oh, ah, you don’t need that.

Dr. Green: Why not?

Ross: The carbon, it’s messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness.

Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh?

Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it’s a sickness really.

Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do something about that.

Ross: I know.

Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I’m cheap?

Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn’t mean anything by that, he really didn’t.

Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really.

Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I’ll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. (rips up the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves)

Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than ‘wethead’.

[Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.]

Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I’ve never been able to cry as an actor, so if I’m in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let’s say I wanna convey that I’ve just done something evil. That would be the basic ‘I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it’ (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let’s say I’ve just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that’s how it’s done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.

Student: Hey, Mr. Trib.

Joey: Hey-hey.

Student: Guess what, I got an audition!

Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I’m so proud.

Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?

Joey: You bet! What’s the part?

Student: Oh it’s great, it’s a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.

(Joey does the ‘232 divided by 13 bad news’ look.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner.]

Rachel: You had to do it, didn’t you? You couldn’t just leave it alone.

Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there’s a bug in my food.

Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.

Ross: Yeah, I’m gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall.

(they go into Monica and Rachel’s, and see Phoebe hopping around.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?

Phoebe: I’m, I’m freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn’t have! All right, I haven’t lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?

Rachel: Um. yeah.

Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monica’s room)

Rachel: All right, look, here’s the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I’ll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.

Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn’t work.

Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that’s why you have got to be the bigger man here.

Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn’t make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say ‘Like me! Like me tiny doctor!’

Rachel: Okay, well can’t you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me?

Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay we’re never gonna get along.

Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don’t wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! (starts to cry)

Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I’ll get the bagels.

[Scene: Monica’s bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.]

Monica: (sees the bed) What’s this?

Phoebe: Isn’t it cool! Varoom! Varoom!

Monica: This is not the bed I ordered!

Phoebe: I know, you must’ve won like a contest or something!

(Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating)

Monica: Phoebe!

(Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.)

Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom?

Phoebe: I’m sorry, okay, I-I wasn’t looking, and the store says that they won’t take it back because you signed for it...

Monica: When did I sign for it?

Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it’s all Joey’s fault, ‘cause he left his nose open!

Monica: Did you make brownies today?

Chandler: Knock, knock.

Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won’t notice the bed.

Chandler: Hey, I’m going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.

Phoebe: It’s Monica’s bed. What?

Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) It’s a racecar.

Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica’s bed, what you’re just noticing now, how self-involved are you?

Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn’t new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?

Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.)

[Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.]

Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that’s not gonna be me, not me.

Joey: Wow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers?

Student: No.

Joey: Whoa. That was really good.

Student: Thanks, any suggestions?

(Joey gets the evil look on his face.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.]

Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!!

Joey: Well, I-I might’ve said supergay.

Chandler: You totally screwed him over.

Monica: Joey, you’re this guy’s teacher. I mean how could you do this?

Joey: Because, Monica, the guy’s so good, and I really, really want this part.

Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then it’s okay.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch.]

Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy.

Dr. Green: Baby. Ross.

Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his scarf on it.)

Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night.

Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.

Dr. Green: Nice hair. What’d ya do? Swim here?

Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, that’s it, I can’t take it anymore.

Rachel: What? What? He’s interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here.

Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it’s hopeless, okay, I’m just gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck)

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Look, look I’m sorry. It’s just that....

Dr. Green: Ross? What’s with the neck?

Rachel: He’s got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor...

Dr. Green: You’re still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn’t get into medical school in Extapa!

Ross: Thank you! That’s what I keep saying.

Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.

Ross: Uh.

Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?

Rachel: Well that’s his last name.

Ross: And his first name.

Dr. Green: He’s Bobby Bobby?

Rachel: It’s Robert Bobby.

Dr. Green: Oh.

Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me.

Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how?

Dr. Green: What do you need help for?

Rachel: With my alignment. I’ve got one leg shorter than the other.

Dr. Green: Oh God!

Ross: Argue with that.

Rachel: What? It’s true, my right leg is two inches shorter.

Dr. Green: Come on! You’re just titling! (to Ross) Her legs are fine!

Ross: I know that!

Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?

Rachel: I’m sorry, let her?

Ross: What can I do, she doesn’t listen to me about renter’s insurance either.

Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don’t have renter’s insurance?!

Rachel: No.

Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?!

(Both he and Ross start laughing)

Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice?

Dr. Green: I’d love some juice. Thanks.

Ross: Okay. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see?

Rachel: Yeah honey, I’m standing right there! Why didn’t you just tell him about the mole I haven’t got checked yet.

Ross: Excellent!

[Scene: Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.]

Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when you’ll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I’m ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, he’s got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me I’m stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you.

[Scene: Mattress King, Monica is trying to return her bed.]

Jester: Uh, may I help you?

Monica: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I’m the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed.

Jester: Look, it’s like I told you, there’s nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.

Joey: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king.

Jester: Nobody sees the king!

Joey: Oh-ho-kay, I’m talking to the king. (starts to go to a back room)

Jester: Hey! You can’t go back there!

(Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks through the window at Janice and the Mattress King, her ex-husband, kissing.)

Janice: Oh my God.

(Joey fakes a scream.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica’s bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed.]

Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookin’! (honks the bed’s little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, I’ll leave. My bed’s so boring.

End

The One With The Giant Poking Device

Written by: Adam Chase

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there, Rachel is serving brownies.]

Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?

Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.)

(Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.)

Chandler: Okay, I’m not gonna have one.

Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the brownies.)

Phoebe: No, no, it’s just my tooth.

Chandler: All right I’ll have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,)

Ross: So what’s a matter, you need a dentist? I’ve got a good one.

Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can’t see him.

Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible dentists.

Ross: Why? Why can’t you go to him?

Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.

Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist’s blouse.

Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?!

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend ‘Albino Bob’.

Rachel: And all these people actually died?

Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That’s why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it’s not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!

Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn’t kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It’s, it’s, it’s just ah, a coincidence.

Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can’t, their dead.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]

Ross: Thanks, Gunther. (takes the plate Gunther serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a napkin too?

Gunther: Oh, like you don’t already have everything.

Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in disgust.)

Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go.

Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you’re my next victim, don’t come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.

Rachel: I promise.

Phoebe: Although, don’t feel like you can’t visit.

Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?

Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no he’s not.

Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.

Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler?

Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not.

Rachel: Joey, you can’t keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him.

Joey: It’ll kill him. I mean it’ll, it’ll just kill him.

Phoebe: Well, you could wait ‘til I go to the dentist, maybe I’ll kill him.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except for Chandler.]

Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It’s like a Play-Doo Fat Factory.

Phoebe: Well, I’m going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um...... (starts to cry and runs out)

Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.

Joey: What did they do?

Ross: Well, they painted over the word ‘Sapien’ for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let’s just leave it at that.

Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?

Ross: Yes, that’s what I was going to ask, thank you.

Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?

Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica mouths ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be here the whole time.’ to Ross.) Yes! That’d be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths ‘Yeah!’ and holds up her thumb.)

Joey: Hey-hey, Ross?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: I’ve got a science question.

Ross: Hmm?

Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact ‘Homo-sapien’, is that why there extinct?

Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.

Joey: Hey-hey, I’m not judging.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting Ben.]

Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it back and forth) Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think he’s bored.

Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) We’re gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Ben’s head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.)

[cut to later]

Monica: (to Ben) Who’s so brave, you’re so brave, yes you are, you’re so brave.

Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he’s fine, he’s fine, let’s just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See that’s a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!

Monica: He’s not gonna say anything, because we’re not gonna tell him.

Rachel: We’re not?!

Monica: No we’re not.

Rachel: All right, I like that.

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: So we’re okay, we’re okay, we’re okay, (starts to exam Ben) aren’t we? No, we’re not okay, we’re not okay, there’s a bump, there’s a bump.

Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!

Rachel: I cannot push it in!

Monica: Okay, we’re gonna need a distraction.

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay.

Monica: I got it!

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!!

Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head.

Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat.

Rachel: We need a hat..

Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat?

Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I’ll get ‘Rainy Day Bear’!! (runs to get him)

Monica: Because he’ll know what to do? (Rachel comes out of her room with a bear that’s dressed in a rain suit.) Oh my God, you’re a genius!

Rachel: Oh God, oh God, it’s sowed on though.

Monica: Give it. Give it.

Rachel: Okay.

(Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off his head.)

Monica and Rachel: Oh!!

Rachel: Oh, it’s just like a bloodbath in here today.

[Scene: The street, Chandler and Joey are walking past a jewelery store.]

Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?

Joey: I’d really prefer a mountain bike.

Chandler: Janice’s birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum.

Chandler: That’s a good idea, ‘Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday’. I would like to get her something serious.

Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious.

Chandler: All right. Look, I’m gonna go in here, and you don’t buy me anything ever. (starts to go into the store)

Joey: (stopping him) No, no, you can’t, you can’t, okay, you can’t, you can’t buy her pearls, you just can’t, you can’t, you can’t.

Chandler: Why not?!

Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, here’s the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is...

Chandler: What is the thing?

Joey: Okay. I went down to the ‘Mattress King’ showroom and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband.

Chandler: (shocked) What?

Joey: They were in his office.

Chandler: Well she, she wouldn’t do that, she’s with, she’s with me.

Joey: I’m telling you man, I saw it.

Chandler: Yeah, well, you’re wrong! Okay, you’re wrong.

Joey: I’m not wrong! I wish I was. I’m sorry. Bet that barium enema doesn’t sound so bad now, huh?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are dressing up Ben in the entire rain suit from Rainy Day Bear.]

Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble.

Rachel: Right.

Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat.

Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh! You’re alive! You’re alive!

Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn’t I?

Phoebe: Yeah, well, we’ll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know.

Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead.

Phoebe: (on phone) ‘Hey! You’re not dead! Okay, see ya!’

Ben: Monica.

Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that?

Ben: Monica bang!

Rachel: Okay, I heard that.

Monica: Did he just say ‘Monica bang’?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Monica: Oh my God! He’s gonna rat me out!

Ben: Monica bang!

Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It’s no big deal, it’s not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (goes over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow, Monica bang! (does it again) Everybody bang. (repeats) Ben bang. (repeats) Rachel bang. (repeats) Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn’t that fun?

Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay, I’m stopping now.

Monica: You okay?

Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it’s not a headboard, it’s just not worth it.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for Janice to arrive, and is angrily fllipping through a magazine.]

Janice: (entering) How’s my Bing-a-ling?

Chandler: Ah, I don’t know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me.

Janice: Why are your eyes so white?

Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, it’s because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!

Janice: Oh my God!!

Chandler: All right!

Janice: How did you know?

Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.

Janice: In the park?

Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses were there?

Janice: Just those two!

Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!!

Janice: Oh, I’m sorry honey, I’m so, so, (nasally) haaaaa! I’m so, so sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can’t breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something?

Chandler: (giving her a bag) Here.

(Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the reciept, and then spits it out.)

Janice: The receipt.

Chandler: I’ll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) I’m gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring)

Janice: I don’t know.

Phoebe: (rushing in) Okay. If you’re alive you answer your phone!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]

Monica: Okay, Ben, I won’t tell your daddy that you had ice cream for dinner, if you don’t tell about our little bonking incident.

Rachel: Monica, number one, I don’t think Ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, I... (Joey starts laughing in the background) (to Joey) What?!

Joey: You said number two.

Rachel: I also said number one.

Joey: I know. (giggles harder)

Ross: (entering) Hey! Everyone.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: How’s my little boy?

Rachel: He’s perfect, he’s never been better.

Ross: (noticing the outfit he is wearing) What’d you do, take him whaling?

Ben: Monica.

Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, that’s great! Good job Ben.

Ben: Monica bang!

Monica: Oh that’s right, that’s what I’d sound like if I exploded.

Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive.

Joey: Uh.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. (Phoebe runs to the window and gasps.)

[Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly Naked Guy.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.

Rachel: Well maybe he’s just taking a nap.

Joey: I’m tellin’ ya, he hasn’t moved since this morning.

Monica: All right, we should call somebody.

Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn’t moving.

Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if he’s alive.

Monica: How are we gonna do that? There’s no way.

Joey: Well, there is one way. His window’s open, I say, we poke him.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing darts, as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese food?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Well, now we got a reason.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Well, we’re fashioning a very long poking device.

Chandler: All right.

Joey: Hey uh, what’s a matter?

Chandler: I talked to Janice.

Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him?

Chandler: She doesn’t know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can’t even return them, because she choked on the reciept!

Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do?

Chandler: I don’t know, y'know. What, what, would you do?

Joey: Well, it doesn’t matter what I would do.

Chandler: Come on, tell me.

Joey: All right, you’re probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I would bow out.

Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about?

Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. They’re like, they’re like a family, and if, I don’t know, there’s chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn’t want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering from Rachel’s room.]

Ross: Well, he’s finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head?

Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it’s ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I’ve always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.

Ross: It’s okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could.

Rachel: (confidently) I did!

Ross: I know! I’m saying you have to watch them all the time.

Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!

Ross: Monica did it?

(Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.)

Ross: Monica?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today?

Monica: No. Why?

Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he’s leaving out ‘e’ and ‘f.’ It’s like they just ah, I don’t know, fell out of his head.

Monica: Really?!

Ross: Oh, and also, he’s, he’s walkin’ kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he’s in there just sort of y'know... (walks around in a circle)

Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs into the bedroom)

Rachel: I hope it’s still funny when you’re in hell.

Monica: (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! You know how much I love that kid! (starts to chase Ross around the living room)

Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow!

Rachel: I’ll get the hat.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are there.]

Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it’s, it’s, it’s not gonna be easy.

Janice: Okay.

Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don’t wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know ‘You’re the reason, you are the reason why their not together.’ and I hated that guy. And it didn’t matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.

Janice: Wow!

Chandler: Yeah, well. It’s the right thing to do.

Janice: Oh! You’re right. Oh God. But, before I can say ‘good-bye’, there’s something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it’s like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie’s been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it’s like movie love, you’re my soulmate, and I can’t believe we’re not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.

Chandler: Then don’t leave me!

Janice: What?

Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!

Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I’ve got to give my marriage another chance.

Chandler: No you don’t! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance.

Janice: (standing up) I’m sorry. (hugs him)

Chandler: Ohhh. Don’t go.

Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. (she starts to walk away, but Chandler doesn’t let her go.)

Chandler: No. No! No! No!

Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking.

Chandler: I don’t care! (turns around and to the people watching them) I don’t care!!

Janice: Yeah, um, I’m, I’m leaving now. (tries to get her leg out of Chandler’s grasp, she finally does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.)

Chandler: You can’t leave! I have your shoe!

Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. (walks out with one shoe)

Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are holding the giant poking device.]

Joey: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manuver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.

Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked man’s life hangs in the balance!

Phoebe: I’m telling you he’s dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.

Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let’s poke. (they start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we’re approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle.

(They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs.)

Phoebe: He’s alive! He’s a-live!!!

Monica: And yet, we’re still poking him.

Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.

Ross: He does not look happy.

Rachel: Hey-hey, now he’s showing us his poking device.

Joey: Hey, that’s never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Lionel Richie album]

Chandler: (singing) I’ll hold you close in my arms. (Phoebe enters) I can’t resist your charms. And love....

Phoebe: (joining him) Love....

Chandler and Phoebe: I’ll be a fool for you. I’m sure, you know I don’t mind.

Chandler: (high pitched) No you know I don’t mind.

Chandler and Phoebe: Yes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh...

Chandler: I know.

Phoebe: I know.

Chandler: I’ve found.

Phoebe: I’ve found....

Chandler and Phoebe: ...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love. (they both look at each other.) My endless love. (once again they don’t match tones, and they just look at each other)

End

The One With The Football

Written by: Ira Ungerleider

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there, the guys are watching football, the girls are cooking Thanksgiving dinner.]

The Guys: (reacting to a play) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Awww!

Phoebe: Hey, it’s your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help.

The Guys: We will. (they don’t move)

Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmellows in concentric circles.

Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this.

(Rachel sticks a marshmellow into Monica’s nose. Monica takes it out of her nose by closing one nostril, and blowing.)

Monica: Every year.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Phoebe: Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down and try to watch one of these things. (just as she sits down).

Ross: Halftime.

Joey: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going?

Rachel: Oh! That would be sooo much fun!

Phoebe: Oh, can I play too? I’ve never played football, like ever.

Joey: Great, you can cover Chandler.

Chandler: No, no, no, I don’t, I don’t really wanna play.

Joey: Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.

Chandler: That’s not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say that I don’t have goals!

Joey: Chandler, you have to start getting over her. All right, if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it’ll take your mind off Janice, and if you don’t play, everyone will be mad at you ‘cause the teams won’t be even. Come on.

Chandler: Yeah, all right, I’ll play.

Phoebe: Yay!!

Rachel: Let’s do it! Ross?

Ross: What?

Rachel: Do you wanna play football?

Ross: Um, Monica and I aren’t supposed to play football.

Joey: Says who? Your mom?

Monica and Ross: Yeah.

Monica: Well, every, every Thanksgiving um, we used to have a touch football game called the ‘Geller Bowl.’

Chandler: No, no, no, you say that proudly.

Monica: Anyway, Ross and I were always captains, and um, it got kind’ve competitive and one year, Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Ross’s nose.

Ross: It was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma arm elbow right into my face. And just keep running.

Monica: To score the winning touchdown, by the way.

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the game, the touchdown didn’t count, because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose breaking.

Monica: (to Chandler and Joey) I won the game.

Ross: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn’t get the Geller Cup?

Rachel: Um, there was a Geller Cup?

Ross: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said, ‘nobody won that game, ‘ and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and.... (pauses to collect himself, as he is on the verge of tears saying this) threw it in the lake.

Chandler: And was the curse lifted?

Ross: Anyway. That’s when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again.

Monica: Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it’s been twelve years.

Ross: Can I see you for a second?

(they walk over to the sink and discuss it for a moment)

Monica: (shouting) Once!!

Ross: All right, we’re gonna play.

Chandler: But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won’t let me cross the street.

[Scene: The Park, the gang is warming up for their football game.]

Monica: Okay. Let’s bring it in.

Rachel: Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me, throw it to me.

Ross: Here you go. (throws her the ball)

Rachel: (knocking it down instead of catching it) That almost hit me in the face.

Joey: All right, we have to pick captains.

Chandler: And then Tineals.

Phoebe: Okay, so how do we decide that?

Monica: Well, why don’t we just bunny up.

Rachel, Chandler, and Joey: What?

Monica and Ross: (holding both of their hands above their heads making rabbit ears with their fingers.) Bunny!

Monica: Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains. Okay, so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to pick first. Joey.

Joey: Thank you.

Rachel: Monica, I’m your best friend.

Ross: Sweetie, don’t worry you’ll get picked. Chandler.

Rachel: Ross!

Monica: Phoebe.

(Phoebe kisses Rachel on the cheek, then joins her team.)

Ross: Sweetie, now I pick you.

Rachel: You don’t pick me! You’re stuck with me!

Ross: Okay. All right. So let’s see, let’s play from the trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, we’ll kick off.

Monica: All right people listen, I’ve got exactly twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again.

Chandler: Wow! Just like in the pros.

Monica: Huddle up.

Joey: (to his team) All right, huddle up, right over here.

Phoebe: Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle.

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay, so what do you guys really think of Chandler?

Monica: Okay, Phoebe you know what you’re doing right?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Okay, Joey’s gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block.

Phoebe: What’s block?

Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you know what you’re doing?

Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.

Monica: Break.

(Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is holding the ball between his foot and finger.)

Chandler: The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. (goes to kick the ball but kicks Ross’s foot instead.)

Ross: Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on!

Chandler: Sorry. I’m sorry. Y'know what, we’re just gonna throw it.

(Chandler throws the ball to kick-off.)

Joey: I got it. (catches the ball)

Phoebe: Go! Go! Go!

(Joey runs up field and fakes out Ross and scores a touchdown. His team all celebrates the touchdown.)

Monica: Score!! 7 to nothing!

Rachel: (coming over to Ross, who is just getting up) Are you okay?

Ross: Come on, let’s go!

Monica: Losers walk!

Ross: Yeah, losers talk!

Chandler: No, no, no, actually losers rhyme.

[cut to later, Ross’s team has the ball.]

Chandler: (coming up under center, just like a real quarterback does, and puts his hands between Ross’s legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross stands up and looks at him) You wanna go shotgun?

Ross: Yeah!

Chandler: (from the shotgun) Hike!

Monica and Joey: One-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi.

(Rachel runs a quick slant.)

Rachel: Over here!

(Chandler throws her the ball, which she drops.)

Rachel: (proud of her self) I almost caught that one!

Chandler: Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7.

Ross: Okay, (to Chandler) this play, I want you to do a down and out to the right. Okay. Break!

Rachel: Wait, what am I gonna do?

Ross: You, you go long.

Rachel: Wait, how long?

Ross: Until we start to look very small.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Break!!

[cut to later, Monica’s team has the ball.]

Joey: Set....hike!

Ross: One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!!

Chandler: No, no, no, no, no!

(Monica throws the ball over Joey’s head, it’s stopped from rolling away by a very beautiful woman.)

Joey: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our ball.

Woman: (in a foreign accent) You are playing American football?

Joey: Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other country.

Woman: I’m Dutch.

Joey: Hi-hi, I’m Joey.

Woman: I’m Margha.

Joey: I’m sorry Dutch, I didn’t get that last little bit.

Chandler: (running up) Hey Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna.. (sees Marhan) Hi, I’m Chandler.

Margha: Hello, Chandler.

Joey: Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan.

Margha: Margha.

Joey: Mar-klan.

Margha: Mar-gha.

Chandler: Mar-haaaan.

[cut to Ross and Monica.]

Monica: Come on guys! Let’s go! Come on, it’s second down.

Ross: Uh, hello, it’s third down.

Monica: No it’s not, it’s second.

Ross: Wow!

Monica: Wow, what?

Ross: It just amazes me that your still pulling stuff like this.

Monica: Pulling what? It’s second down.

Ross: Okay, it’s second down. (turns away) Take all the second downs you need.

Monica: I heard that!

Ross: Well, I said it loud.

[cut to Chandler, Joey, and Margha.]

Margha: It is okay, if I stay and watch?

Chandler and Joey: Yeah! Why don’t you stick around. You can sit right there.

(she goes and sits down)

Chandler: Well, that went well.

Joey: I think so.

Chandler: Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number.

Joey: Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, y'know.

Chandler: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about.

Joey: Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much to ya, I’ll let you have her.

Chandler: Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn’t I wouldn’t have a shot?

Joey: Well I don’t like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don’t feel bad man, we all have our strengths. You’re better with numbers and stuff.

Chandler: Math!! You’re giving me math! All right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we’ll see who gets her.

[cut to later, in Ross’s huddle.]

Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie..

Rachel: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it’s like all I’m doing is running back and forth from the huddle.

Ross: Well ah, you wanna just stay out there?

Rachel: Can I see that for second.

Ross: Yeah.

(Rachel takes the ball from his hands and bounces it off of Ross’s forehead and Chandler catches the rebound.)

Ross: Okay. Hut! Hike!

(Chandler runs around behind Ross, who pitches him the ball. Chandler runs upfield, and Joey knocks the ball out of his hands.)

Joey: Fumble!

(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler grabs Joey’s shirt and rips it off of his back.)

Joey: What the hell’s the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey.

Chandler: Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math.

Joey: All right, that’s it. Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself.

Chandler: Hey! Well, I’ve been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that’s mean!

Monica: All right, come on guys, let’s go! Tie score, and we’re runnin’ out of time. Forty-two!! Thirty-eight!! Hike! (the timer sounds as Monica throws the ball to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh I got it!! (catches the ball) Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow!

Joey: Pheebs, run!

Monica: Run, Phoebe, run!

(Phoebe runs and scores a touchdown.)

Phoebe: Touchdown!! Touchdown!!

Ross: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn’t count.

Monica: After the snap!

Ross: Before the snap!

Joey: After!!

Chandler: Before!!

Rachel: Now, does it really matter?

All: Yes!!

Phoebe: Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first touchdown. So?

Ross: Oh Pheebs, that’s great. It doesn’t count.

Monica: Does so count!

Ross: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater.

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: Y'know what, that’s fine, maybe you haven’t grown up, but I have.

Ross: Oh-ho, okay.

Monica: Dead leg!! (kicks him in the thigh.)

Ross: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine! All right, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Phoebe the touchdown does count, you win.

Phoebe: Woo-yay!!

Monica: No! Listen, I’m not gonna go through this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat when you can’t blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the fact that you thought you were getting mono. Let’s just call this, tie score and it’s halftime.

Ross: Okay, first of all, I don’t play with cheaters, and second of all, you know I had swollen glands!!

Monica: Y'know what? I’ll think you’ll play.

Ross: Oh really! Why is that?

[cut to Monica and Rachel’s.]

Monica: Because the winner gets this!

Ross: The Geller Cup.

Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?

All: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay, good.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The park, the gang is returning to play the second half of the game.]

Ross: Okay, where in the hell did you get that?!

Monica: When Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and fished it out.

Ross: That cup is mine!

Monica: No it’s not! You want it, you’re gonna have to win it!

Rachel: All right, so are we not having dinner at all?

Monica: Come on Phoebe, let’s go! Come on, it’s time to get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the game.

Joey: It’s hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl.

Monica: All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus?

Joey: What are you gonna do?

Monica: All right, you just make sure that Chandler catches the ball, I’ll take care of the rest.

Joey: Okay.

Monica: Break!

Joey: Here you go!

(Joey throws the ball to Chandler)

Ross: Chandler! Chandler!

(Chandler catches the ball and starts to run upfield.)

Chandler: (to Margha) Hi.

(just as he gets in front of Margha, Monica comes up and tackles him)

Monica: Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don’t see that everyday, do ya?

Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s with the tackling?

Monica: What?! I just touched him and he went over.

Ross: Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough.

(They both stare each other down as we hear ‘Let’s get ready to r-r-r-rum-ble!!!’)

(A long football sequence follows.)

[Sequence 1: Monica throws the ball over Chandler’s head to Joey who catches it for a touchdown, and starts to dance in celebration. Chandler then tackles him, and he starts to dance in celebration.]

[Sequence 2: Monica runs upfield and stops, waiting for a pass. Ross runs over and pulls her pants down, steps in front of her and intercepts the pass.]

[Sequence 3: Chandler throws a pass to Ross, who catches it. Phoebe starts screaming and runs up to him and tries to tackle him. But all she ends up doing is running around his waist and screaming.]

[Sequence 4: Ross hikes the ball to Chandler, and the camera pans down to show Rachel standing deep in the end zone, playing with her gum. Something hits her on the head and she looks up to see where it came from.]

[Sequence 5: Monica hands the ball off to Phoebe, who runs up field and delivers a fore-arm shiver to Chandler, knocking him over and scores the touchdown, and she yells...]

Phoebe: I love this game!!

[cut to Ross who walks up to Rachel who is eating a baked pretzel.]

Ross: Hey, where’d you get that?

Rachel: I went really long.

Monica: Forty-two to twenty-one! Like the turkey, Ross is done!

Ross: It’s no surprise that your winning, ‘cause you got to pick first, so you got the better team.

Monica: You’re so pathetic! Why can’t you just accept it, we’re winning because I’m better than you.

(Ross makes a ‘Yeah. Right.’ sound.)

Monica: Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, y'know what, I’ll prove it to you, okay. I’ll trade you Joey for Rachel, and I’ll still win the game.

Ross: What?! The guys against the girls? See, that’s ridiculous Monica, because I’m only down by three touchdowns.

Monica: Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course your afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls.

Ross: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey you’re with me.

Rachel: I can not believe your trading me!!

Monica: Come on Rach, come on. Let’s see what’s it like to be on a winning team for a change.

Rachel: Are you gonna let me play?

Monica: All right then.

[cut to the guys’ team.]

Margha: (coming over) The game is over, we eat now?

Chandler: No-no-no-no, the game’s not over, we’re just switching teams.

Joey: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it’s better if we’re on the same team.

Ross: Right. Okay, let’s play. Let’s go.

Chandler: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?

Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.

Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?

Joey: Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.

Margha: Oh, my.

Ross: Enough with geography for the insane, okay? Let’s play some ball, guys.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-I’m not playing with this guy, now.

Chandler: Fine with me.

Ross: Okay, y'know what, let’s just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you like?

Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?

Margha: Which do I like?

Ross: Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment, taking back to your windmill...

Margha: Well, if I had to chose right now, which by the way I find really weird, I would have to say, Chandler.

Chandler: Yes!!

Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didn’t understand the question.

Chandler: Well, you don’t you have Captain Hook explain it to her.

Margha: I’m sorry, Joey, that is my chose.

Chandler: You hear that! That is her chose, mister I’ll let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does the wave.)

Margha: I’m now thinking I would like to change my answer to, no one.

Chandler: Wh-what?

Margha: I now find you shallow and um, a dork. All right, bye.

Joey: Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex.

Chandler: Y'know what, it doesn’t matter, ‘cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!

Ross: Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls.

Chandler: We’re not gonna lose to girls.

Ross: Hey! It’s 42-21!

Joey: This sucks, I was just up by that much!

Monica: Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries.

[cut to the girls huddle.]

Monica: We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while you’re making out...

Phoebe: Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?!

Monica: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let’s kill ‘um!

Rachel: Yeah!!! Kill ‘um!!!

Phoebe: All right, no, well I want to kill them to, but their boys, y'know how are we gonna beat three boys?

(Another football sequence follows)

[Sequence 1: Chandler is running past Phoebe with the ball, Phoebe flashes him, he stops and stares dumbfounded at her. Phoebe then runs up and takes the ball away.]

[Sequence 2: Phoebe throws the ball, and it’s intercepted by Joey, who starts to run up field. Rachel jumps on his back in order to try and tackle him, but she doesn’t slow him down. Monica and Phoebe then both grab her legs in order to stop Joey, who still manages to fight through the tackle and score the touchdown.]

[Sequence 3: Chandler is running with the ball, Phoebe flashes him again, but Chandler covers his eyes, and keeps running. He then runs into a tree at the end of the field.]

[cut to the girls huddle]

Monica: All right, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we’re down by two points. Two points.... (she gets interrupted by the guys, who are doing a slow-motion high five.) Phoebe you do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long.

Rachel: No! Come on! Don’t make me go long. Use me. They never cover me.

Monica: Honey, there’s a reason.

Rachel: God, I’m not lame, okay. I can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too.

Phoebe: Come on Mon, let her throw the ball.

Monica: All right Rachel, you sweep behind, I’ll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Phoebe. All right. Break.

Rachel: Thank you! Break!

Monica: Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike!

(Phoebe snaps the ball to Monica, who pitches back to Rachel.)

The Guys: One-Mississippi! Two-Mississippi! Three-Mississippi!

(They all rush toward Rachel, who panics and runs away. She runs out of the park and up along the fence, she then comes back into the park and runs past Monica, as she gets to Monica, she throws the ball at Monica, and it hits her in the eye.)

Rachel: I’m so sorry! Are you okay?

Monica: No! I’m not okay!

Rachel: I’m sorry, they were just all coming at me, and I didn’t know what to do.

Joey: (looking at the timer) Thirty seconds left on the timer!

Chandler: Okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home!

Monica: Come on! Come on! Hurry! We’re running out of time! Huddle up!

Phoebe: Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle, yeah.

Monica: All right, Phoebe get open. Rachel, go long.

Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Okay.

Monica: Break!

(In slow motion, Phoebe snaps the ball, Rachel goes long. Joey and Chandler and all over Phoebe, leaving Rachel wide open. Ross starts to rush Monica, who sees Phoebe is double covered, in desperation she throws to Rachel. We see flying through the air, and then Rachel running underneath it, then the ball, then Rachel again, then the ball, then Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey staring at it in shock. Then with the grace of Jerry Rice (no offense to Jerry Rice), Rachel catches the ball, and she stops and spikes the ball. Both Phoebe and Monica erupt in celebration.)

Rachel: (in triumph) I got a touchdown! We did it!!

Chandler: Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you’re five feet short, so we win!

Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait-wait! So, explain something to me though, if, if nobody tagged Rachel, then isn’t the play still going.

(they all start to dive for the ball and Monica and Ross grab it at the same time.)

Ross: Let go! Let go!

Monica: Let go! I’m a tiny little woman!!

Chandler: Guys! Guys! Come on! It’s Thanksgiving, it’s not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, (to Joey) the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!

Monica: Ow!!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are eating Thanksgiving dinner.]

Rachel: We should defiantly play football more often. Maybe there’s a like league we could join or something.

Phoebe: Isn’t there a national football league.

Chandler: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights.

Rachel: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights.

Phoebe: Umm, this stuffing is amazing. Do you think we should bring them some?

Joey: When they’re hungry enough, they’ll come in.

[Scene: The park, it’s dark outside and Monica and Ross are still fighting over the ball.]

Monica: Let go!

Ross: No! You let go!

Monica: No!

Ross: How come it’s always us left in the field holding the ball?

Monica: I don’t know. I guess the other people just don’t care enough.

(It starts snowing.)

Ross: Hey! It’s starting to snow.

(They both look up, and watch it start to snow. Then they both start fighting for the ball again.)

Ross: Gimme the this!

Monica: Let go!

End

The One Where Rachel Quits

Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Chandler: (reading the comics) Eh..., I don’t, I don’t know.

Rachel: What?

Chandler: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?

Gunther: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah.

Gunther: Do you remember when you first came here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress?

Rachel: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new?

Gunther: (laughs) Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training again, whenever.

Rachel: (to Chandler) Eh, do you believe that?

Chandler: (thinks about it) Yeah?

Opening Credits

[Scene: The hallway of Ross’s building, there is a Brown Bird girl selling cookies, as Ross and Chandler come up the stairs.]

Sarah: So that’s two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. (Does the Brown Bird salute, she blows on a bird call, then holds her hand, palm facing out, next to her face, and then waves it like a bird flapping it’s wings.)

Ross: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand.

Chandler: Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand.

Ross: Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand.

Chandler: I was shrieking... like a Marine.

(they both start up the stairs.)

Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three ‘P’s of championship play. Power. (swings the racquet) Precision. (swings the racquet.) and penache. (does a backswing and hits Sarah who’s started up the stairs, knocking her down, they both watch in horror.)

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang’s all there discussing the incident.]

Monica: You broke a little girl’s leg?!!

Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.

Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-ish?

Ross: Well, I’m gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do you think she’ll like?

Monica: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk...

(Rachel starts to laugh, and Ross notices her.)

Rachel: I’m gonna get back to retraining. (gets up)

Ross: All right, see you guys. (starts to leave)

Chandler: Look out kids, he’s coming! (Ross continues to leave with his head down in shame.)

Joey: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.

Phoebe: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don’t! I forgot I am totally against that now.

Joey: What? Me having a job?

Phoebe: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. (to Joey) Hey, how do you sleep at night?

Joey: Well, I’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy.

Phoebe: Really?

(Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically motions to Chandler to help him out.)

Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it’s the only chance to see New York.

[cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.]

Gunther: ...and after you’ve delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray....

Rachel: Gunther, Gunther, please, I’ve worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there. (points to the counter.)

Gunther: What if you put them here. (sets the empty tray on another stack of empty trays on the back counter.)

Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know that’s actually a really good idea, because that way they’ll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too.

Gunther: They already do. That’s why they call it the ‘tray spot.’

Rachel: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, I’m, I’m sorry. (walks away)

Gunther: It’s all right. Sweetheart.

[Scene: Sarah’s bedroom, her room is decorated with a space motif.]

Ross: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your Dad tells me that you get a couple of days off school, and you, you ah, don’t have to sell those cookies anymore.

Sarah: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.

Ross: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh?

Sarah: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much time helping him clean apartments, as I do daydreaming about outer space, he’d be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal.

Ross: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India.

Sarah: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says he’s gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.

Ross: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win?

Sarah: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five.

Ross: Yeah.

Sarah: So far, I’ve sold seventy-five.

Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (starts to get out his wallet) How much are the boxes?

Sarah: Five dollars a box.

Ross: (puts away his wallet) And what is second prize?

Sarah: A ten speed bike. But, I’d rather have something my Dad couldn’t sell.

Ross: Well, that makes sense.

Sarah: Could you do me one favor, if it’s not too much trouble?

Ross: Yeah, Sarah, anything.

Sarah: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna be on the news, and since we don’t have a TV, the lady across the alley said she’d push hers up to a window, so I could watch it.

[Scene: A hallway, Ross is selling Brown Bird cookies for Sarah, he stops and knocks on a door.]

Woman: (looking through her peephole, we see Ross standing in the hallway.) Yesss?

Ross: Hi, I’m selling Brown Bird cookies.

Woman: You’re no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole.

Ross: No, hi, I’m, I’m an honorary Brown Bird (does the Brown Bird salute.)

Woman: What does that mean?

Ross: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I’m not invited to sleep-overs.

Woman: I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button, y'know. Now, go away!

Ross: No, please, please, um, it’s for a poor little girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in the world.

Woman: I’m pressing, a policeman is on his way.

Ross: Okay, okay! I’m going. I’m going. (goes across the hall to knock on another door.)

Woman: I can still see you!

Ross: All right!!

[Scene: Joey’s work, selling Christmas trees.]

Phoebe: (walking up to Joey) Hey.

Joey: Hey. What, what are you doing here?

Phoebe: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, (looks at the tree) oh, but oh...

Joey: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas....

Phoebe: Destiny.

Joey: Sure.

Phoebe: Yes.

Joey: All right.

Phoebe: Okay. (One of Joey’s co-workers, walks by with a dead tree.) Yikes! That one doesn’t look very fulfilled.

Joey: Oh, that’s, that’s ah, one of the old ones, he’s just taking it to the back.

Phoebe: You keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist.

Joey: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones.

Phoebe: So, what happens to the old guys?

Joey: Well, they go into the chipper.

Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling that’s not as happy as it sounds? (Joey points out one going into the chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic music starts to play in the background) No! Nooooo!!! (she winces in horror and hides her face against Joey’s shoulder, as she sees the tree spit out from the chipper.)

Joey: (to the guy operating the chipper) Hey! Hey!! (makes the ‘cut it’ motion with his hands)

[Scene: Central Perk, all except Phoebe are there, Ross is telling the gang, minus Rachel who’s still being retrained, about the different cookie options.]

Ross: ...and these come in the shapes of your favourite Christmas characters, Santa, Rudolph, and Baby Jesus.

Joey: All right, I’ll take a box of the cream filled Jesus’s.

Ross: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, I’m trying to send a little girl to Spacecamp, I’m putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you?

Chandler: Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities?

Ross: No, but ah, there’s coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, I’ll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night.

(Chandler mouths ‘Okay.’)

Ross: Mon?

Monica: All right, I’ll take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and that’s it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. (to Ross) Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all?

Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know I’m sure that’s not gonna happen this time, why don’t I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the Rudolph’s.

Monica: No.

Ross: Oh, come on, now you know you want ‘em.

Monica: Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t do this.

Ross: I’ll tell you what Mon, I’ll give you the first box for free.

Monica: (she reaches out for it and stops) Oh God! I gotta go! (runs out)

Ross: Come on! All the cool kids are eating ‘em! (chases after her.)

[cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.]

Gunther: And when you have a second later, I wanna show you why we don’t just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there.

Rachel: (sitting down next to Chandler) I’m training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks.

Joey: Look Rach, wasn’t this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff?

Rachel: Well, yeah! I’m still pursuing that.

Chandler: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago?

Rachel: Well, I’m also sending out.... good thoughts.

Joey: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you’ve got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear.

Rachel: The fear?

Chandler: He’s right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.

Rachel: Well then how come you’re still at a job that you hate, I mean why don’t you quit and get ‘the fear’?

(Chandler and Joey both laugh)

Chandler: Because, I’m too afraid.

Rachel: I don’t know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer, y'know, or a buyer.... Oh, I just don’t want to be 30 and still work here.

Chandler: Yeah, that’d be much worse than being 28, and still working here.

Gunther: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah.

Gunther: Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular.

Rachel: Can’t I just look at the handles on them?

Gunther: You would think.

Rachel: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know why I’m a terrible waitress? Because, I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I don’t care where the tray spot is, I just don’t care, this is not what I want to do. So I don’t think I should do it anymore. I’m gonna give you my weeks notice.

Gunther: What?!

Rachel: Gunther, I quit.

Chandler: (to Joey) Does this mean we’re gonna have to start paying for coffee? (Joey shrugs his shoulders.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is entering numbers on a calculator as Ross reads off how much he’s sold.]

Ross: ....and 12, 22, 18, four... (Chandler starts laughing) What?

Chandler: I spelled out boobies.

Monica: (comes up and starts looking through Ross’s cookie supply) Ross, but me down for another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, where are the mint treasures?

Ross: Ah, we’re out. I sold them all.

Monica: What?

Ross: Monica, I’m cutting you off.

Monica: No. No, just, just, just a couple more boxes. It-it-it’s no big deal, all right, I’m-I’m cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes!

Ross: Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck.

Monica: (covers her neck) Oh God! (runs to the bathroom)

Chandler: So, how many have you sold so far?

Ross: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen boxes!

Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that?

Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as ‘Laser Floyd’ was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! That’s when it occurred to me, the key to my success, ‘the munchies.’ So I ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me: 'Cookie Dude!'

Rachel: (entering) Okay, stop what you’re doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers.....

Ross: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya?

Chandler: Me! On my computer.

Ross: Well you sure used a large font.

Chandler: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room.

Rachel: Hey-hey-hey that’s funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?!

Chandler: Something else I might have said?

Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know, weren’t you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!!

Ross: Sweetie, calm down, it’s gonna be okay.

Rachel: No, it’s not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I don’t have a lead. Okay, y'know what, I’m just gonna, I’m just gonna call Gunther and I’m gonna tell him, I’m not quitting.

Chandler: You-you-you don’t wanna give into the fear.

Rachel: You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear....

Joey: (entering, interrupting Rachel) Hey! I got great news!

Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out)

Joey: What? Rachel, listen, have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions?

Rachel: No.

Joey: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. So, you want me to see if I can get you an interview?

Rachel: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, Joey.

Joey: Not a problem.

Rachel: Thanks.

Joey: And now for the great news.

Ross: What, that wasn’t the great news?

Joey: Only if you think it’s better than this... (holds up an aerosol can) snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie.

Monica: Christmas cookie?

[Scene: Joey work, Joey is showing a guy a tree.]

Joey: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now it’s a little more money, but you get a nicer smell.

Guy: Looks good. I’ll take it.

Phoebe: (running up carrying a tree) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, you don’t want that one. No, you can have this cool brown one. (points to the almost dead tree she has)

Guy: It’s-it’s-it’s almost dead!

Phoebe: Okay but that’s why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil it’s Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey

Joey: Yeah, the ah, trees that don’t fulfil their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper.

Guy: I-I think I’m gonna look around a little bit more.

Joey: Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on commission here.

Monica: (entering) Hey, guys. I’m here to pick out my Christmas tree.

Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows her the dead one) this one’s yours! Ahhh.

Monica: Is this the one that I threw out last year?

Phoebe: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get so emotional, I guess it’s just the holidays, it’s hard.

Monica: Oh honey, is that ‘cause your Mom died around Christmas?

Phoebe: Oh, I wasn’t even thinking about that.

Monica: Oh. (turns and looks at Joey, who gives a ‘way-to-go’ thumbs up and smile.)

[Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there with the other Brown Birds to see who won the contest.]

Ross: (to the girl sitting next to him) Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you sell?

Girl: I’m not gonna tell you! You’re the bad man who broke Sarah’s leg.

Ross: Hey now! That was an accident, okay.

Girl: You’re a big scrud.

Ross: What’s a scrud?

Girl: Why don’t you look in the mirror, scrud.

Ross: I don’t have too. I can just look at you.

Leader: All right girls, and man. Let’s see your final tallies. (all the girls raise their hands) Ohhhh, Debbie, (looks at her form) 321 boxes of cookies, (to Debbie) Very nice.

Ross: (to himself) Not nice enough.

Leader: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good.

Ross: (to himself) Good for a scrud.

Leader: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871.

Ross: That’s crap!! Sister Brown Bird. (to Elizabeth) Good going. (does the salute)

Leader: Who’s next? (goes over and stands behind Ross, who’s feverishly writing on his form, and clears her throat to get his attention.)

Ross: Hi there!

Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself.

Ross: Um, that is because my doctor says that I have a very serious.... nuget.... diffency.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross are there.]

Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.

Ross: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes.

Chandler: (to Rachel, who’s entering) Hey! How’d the interview go?

Rachel: Oh, I blew it. I wouldn’t of even hired me.

Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, you’re gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. (she glares at him) That’s not how that was supposed to come out.

Phoebe: This is the worst Christmas ever.

Chandler: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house.

Rachel: I can’t! It’s too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. (points to her) Look at her, she’s even got waitress experience. Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkin.... (starts to cry) swans.

Ross: That word was swans.

[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are coming up the stairs.]

Chandler: Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my Christmas.

(They start to go into Monica and Rachel’s, their apartment is filled with all of the old Christmas trees from Joey’s work.)

Phoebe: Oh! Oh my God!

Joey and Monica: (jumping up from behind the couch) Merry Christmas!!

Phoebe: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you’re the best!

Chandler: It’s like ‘Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.’

(phone rings)

Rachel: (answering the phone) Hello? (listens) Yeah, this is she. (listens) Oh! You’re kidding! You’re kidding! (listens) Oh thank you! I love you!

Chandler: Sure, everybody loves a kidder.

Rachel: (hanging up the phone) I got the job!

All: That’s great! Hey! Excellent!

Phoebe: Oh, God bless us, everyone.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving her last cup of coffee.]

Rachel: Here we go. I’m serving my last cup of coffee. (the gang starts humming the graduation theme) There you go. (hands it to Chandler) Enjoy. (they all cheer)

Chandler: (to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea?

Ross: No.

Rachel: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, it’s just time to move on. (at the counter Gunther starts to cry and runs into the back room) Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again.

[Scene: Rachel’s new job, Rachel’s boss is telling her what to do.]

Rachel’s Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, ‘cause this part’s tricky, see some people use filters just once.

Closing Credits

[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Ross is bringing Sarah to Joey and Chandler’s.]

Ross: I’m, I’m sorry you didn’t get to go to Spacecamp, and I’m hoping that maybe somehow, this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttle’s Private Very Special Spacecamp!! (opens the door and Chandler and Joey jump up, their apartment is decorated like outer space, one of the leather chairs is covered in tinfoil.)

Sarah: Really Mr. Geller, you don’t have to do this.

Ross: Oh come on! Here we go! (picks her up and puts her in the chair) Stand by for mission countdown!

Joey: (simulating an echo) Ten, ten.., nine, nine, nine...., eight, eight, eight... (Chandler hits him in the back of the head) Okay, Blast off!

(They start shaking the chair likes it’s flying into outer space. Ross picks up a soccer ball and starts spinning it in his hand and runs around the chair beeping like a satellite. Chandler also starts running around the chair and saying...)

Chandler: I’m an alien. I’m an alien.

Ross: Oh no! An asteroid! (throws the soccer ball off the back of Joey’s head.)

(The camera zooms in on Sarah and she has a big smile on her face.)

End

The One Where Chandler Can’t Remember Which Sister

Written by: Alexa Junge

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is demonstrating a card trick.]

Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one) All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it?

Monica: Um-mm.

Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card back, but he looks at the card before he puts it back in the deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a little while) 5 of hearts.

(Monica is sarcastically amazed.)

Ross: Real magic does exist.

Rachel: Wow.

Monica: Wow. Joey, (sarcastically) how do you do it?

Joey: I can’t tell you that, no.

(We hear some knocking coming from the ceiling.)

Ross: Ah, somebody’s at the door on the ceiling.

Rachel: Noo, that’s our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.

Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything.

Phoebe: Why don’t you go up there and ask him to ‘step lightly, please?’

Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.

Phoebe: Ooh, that is silly. (gets up) I’ll go up there, I’ll tell him to keep it down.

Monica: All right, be my guest.

Rachel: Good luck.

(Phoebe exits)

Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, I’ll show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didn’t see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again) I just did it, again. Here, I’ll slow it down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow motion)

All: Oh, I got it.

(We hear Phoebe knock at the door upstairs, and the guy answer it.)

Phoebe: (muffled through the floor) Yeah, look I was with my friend downstairs and we hear everything up here that you do, and I am sick and tired... (I tired but the rest is unintelligible).

Guy: (muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful.

Phoebe: (muffled) Oh, thank you.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end?

Monica: Honey, what’s the matter?

Chandler: I just saw Janice.

All: Oh.

Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid’s pretzel at them.

Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me.

Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.

Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know....

Ross: Hey Chandler, there’s a party tomorrow, you’ll feel better then.

Chandler: Oh, y'know what, I’m gonna be okay, you don’t have to throw a party for me.

Monica: It’s Joey’s birthday.

Chandler: Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him.

(We hear Phoebe’s muffled voice through the ceiling.)

Monica: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there.

(We hear the guy telling a joke, and Phoebe laughing.)

Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, it’s supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh.

[Scene: Fortunata Fashions, Rachel’s new job.]

Mr. Kaplan: (entering) How’s that coffee comin,’ dear?

Rachel: (jumping up from reading her magazine) Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan.

Mr. Kaplan: I’m not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy.

Rachel: I know!

Mr. Kaplan: I’ll bet your thinking, ‘What’s an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee?’ Eh?

Rachel: Op.

Mr. Kaplan: Eh.

Rachel: Oh, you got me.

Mr. Kaplan: Well, don’t think I haven’t noticed your potential. Well, I’ve got a project for you that’s a lot more related to fashion. How does that sound?

Rachel: Oh, that sounds great.

Mr. Kaplan: Come on over here, sweetheart. (they walk over to a storage closet)

Rachel: Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much.

Mr. Kaplan: (opening the closet door revealing that it’s full of tangled up hangers.) I need these hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) You’re welcome.

[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking to Monica about her job.]

Rachel: Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it.

Monica: I know honey, I’m sorry.

Rachel: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it’s remotely related to the field they’re interested in.

Monica: (gives her a look) Gee, I don’t know Rach. Order up!! I got a Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy!

Rachel: Oh honey, come on, I’m sorry, I didn’t.... I don’t mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom.

(A guy at the end of the table starts laughing.)

Rachel: (to him) Hi! Is my misery amusing to you?

Guy: I’m sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah.... (starts to laugh again)

Rachel: It’s not funny, this is actually my job.

Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-I’ve been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus.

Rachel: Oh well then, so I’m just going to go back to talking to my friend here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger.

Guy: Ah, just one other thing.

Rachel: Yes?!

Guy: I ah, I work at Bloomingdale’s and I might know of a job possibility if your, if your interested?

Rachel: (looks at Monica) (to him) Do you want my pickle?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s Joey’s party.]

Gunther: (to Monica and Phoebe) Hey guys.

Monica: Hey Gunther. Hi. (to Phoebe) I mean you’re going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs?

Phoebe: Well, he’s very charming.

Monica: I know, he’s too charming, but if you two start going out, then it’s just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him.

Phoebe: Well, you’re just gonna have to try.

Monica: Joey, where are the Jell-o shots?

Joey: I don’t know, Chandler is supposed to be passin’ ‘em around...

(Camera cuts to show Chandler giving a Jello shot to the ceramic dog and holding an empty tray of Jello shots.)

Joey: Chandler!

Chandler: Hello-dillillio!!

Ross: Oh, somebody’s feeling better.

Monica: (to Chandler) Stick out your tongue.

Chandler: (to Monica) Take off your shirt!

(Chandler sticks out is tongue and it’s a horrible shade of green.)

Monica: Oh my!!

Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka.

Chandler: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make.

Rachel: (entering, to Ross) The most unbelievable thing happened to me today.

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: Hi! So I’m out having lunch at Monica’s and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale’s and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and he’s gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview!

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: I know!

Ross: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?

Rachel: Uh-huh!

Ross: And he’s, he’s a total stranger?

Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something.

Ross: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex.

Rachel: What!?

Ross: Well, I’m just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason.

Rachel: To be nice.

Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?

Joey: No, only for sex.

Ross: Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me?

Rachel: I didn’t have to, because I was wearing my ‘I heart Ross’ sandwich board and ringing my bell.

Ross: Uh-huh.

Joey’s Sisters: (entering) Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! (all 7 of them look almost identical)

Joey: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey!

Chandler: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?

Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joey’s sisters.

Chandler: Hi Joey’s sisters!

Phoebe: (to one of his sisters, Cookie) Hey!

Cookie: Hey. What are we drinkin’ over here.

Phoebe: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice.

Cookie: No kiddin,’ that’s the exact same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband.

Phoebe: Wow. Okay, I don’t know how to talk to you.

(Cut to Chandler)

Sister 1: (to Chandler) What ‘cha doing?

Chandler: Oh, I’m taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer.

Joey’s Sisters: Oh!!

Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, it’s a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can’t we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joey’s sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have.

(Cut to Ross and Monica)

Ross: Hi.

Monica: Hi.

Ross: Yeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark guy that ah, Rachel met today.

Monica: Isn’t that great?

Ross: Oh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good. He sounds like a nice, good guy.

Monica: Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean, y'know what, when he left I actually used the phrase, ‘Hummina-hummina-hummina.’ (walks away)

Ross: That’s excellent.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]

Ross: (to Rachel) So, he’s just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesn’t want anything in exchange for helping him?

Rachel: Well, I assume I’ll have to take showers with him, but y'know, that’s true of any job.

(Chandler enters hungover and groaning)

Monica: How ya feelin’?

Chandler: Well, my apartment isn’t there anymore, because I drank it.

Phoebe: Where’d you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.

All: Woooo hoooo!!!

Chandler: Ow, no ‘woo-hooing,’ no ‘woo-hooing.’

Phoebe: Why, what happened?

Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joey’s sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, that’s not the worst part.

Monica: What is the worse part?

Chandler: I can’t remember which sister.

Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Don’t tell me men are not nice! (points to Chandler) This is men!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Monica: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kill you, he’s actually going to kill you dead.

Chandler: Okay! You don’t think I thought of that?

Phoebe: How can you not know which one?

Rachel: I mean that’s unbelievable.

Monica: I mean, was it Gina?

Ross: Which one is Gina?

Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.

Monica: No, no, no, that’s Dina.

Chandler: (to Monica) You see you can’t tell which one is which either, dwha!!

Phoebe: We didn’t fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha!

Chandler: Veronica. Look, it’s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.

Monica: That was me.

Chandler: Look, when I’ve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I’m sorry.

Monica: That’s okay.

Rachel: That’s all right.

Ross: That’s okay.

Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?!

Ross: Hey, Joey.

Rachel: Hey. (they all walk away from Chandler)

Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him)

Chandler: Why can’t we talk in here? With, with, witnesses.

Joey: I just got off the phone with my sister.

Ross: Ah, which, which one?

Joey: Mary-Angela.

Ross: Mary-Angela.

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: Y'know which one was she again?

Joey: Why don’t you ask Chandler, ‘cause he’s the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just gettin’ over Janice by groping my sister.

Chandler: It’s gotta be the first one.

Joey: Really? That’s great! You and my sister, sittin’ in a tree.

Chandler: Yep, I’m in a tree.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is writing letters as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Did he call? Did Mark call?

Monica: No honey, I’m sorry, but the weekend’s not over yet.

Rachel: Oh. (we hear laughing from the upstairs apartment) Oh my God, is that Phoebe?

Monica: I guess they’re back from their date.

(He starts to play music.)

Rachel: Music. Very nice.

(We hear them start making out upstairs.)

Monica: Oh my God!

Rachel: So, how are you?

Monica: I am good. I finished my book.

(Things start to get really hot upstairs.)

Rachel: Oh yeah, what’s it about?

Monica: I don’t remember. Do you wanna take a walk?

Rachel: Yeah, I do. (they both run out)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a letter that Chandler wrote.]

Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. How’s it going. This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. (to Chandler) What the hell’s a matter with you? How do you think Joey’s going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter?

Chandler: Well, that’s the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I’ll be in Cuba.

Ross: All right, look, look, you’ve got to do this yourself, okay in person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy.

Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?

Ross: Where in Cuba?

[Scene: Joey’s sister’s house, Chandler hits himself on the head three times and knocks on the door three times. Joey answers it.]

Chandler: (shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?

Joey: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you?

Chandler: I’m here to see Mary-Angela.

Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come in, and he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, ‘cause my Grandma doesn’t know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.

Chandler: Where’s Mary-Angela?

Joey: She’s right in there. (motions to the living room)

(Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all of Joey’s sisters, all wearing red.)

Joey’s Sisters: Hey, Chandler!

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.]

Rachel: I can’t believe Mark didn’t call. It’s Sunday night, and he didn’t call.

Ross: Bummer.

Rachel: (to Ross) Yeah, right. Look at you, you’re practically giddy.

Ross: No, I’m genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn’t work out. Look, Rach, I want only good things for you.

Monica: Wait a minute, why don’t you just call Mark. (they both look up in shock) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, you’ve got to make stuff happen.

Ross: But, you, you don’t want to seem too pushy.

Monica: (to Ross) Honey, it’s not pushy, he gave her his home number.

Ross: (to Rachel, as she gets his number) What, he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to his home?

Rachel: Yeah, and you don’t mind if I call, because you only want good things for me.

Ross: That’s right good things, that-that is what I said. (glances at Monica)

Rachel: (on phone) Hello, Mark? Hi, it’s Rachel Green. (listens) Oh no, don’t you apologize. (listens) Yeah, I’ll hold. (to Monica and Ross) He left my number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers.

Ross: That is so made up!

Rachel: (on phone) Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow! That, no, it’s perfect. Oh God, thank you soo much. Great! Bye! (hangs up phone) I got the interview!

Monica: Yay!

Ross: There you go.

Rachel: He even offered to meet me for lunch tomorrow to prep me for it.

Monica: Oh, that is amazing!

Ross: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, I’d expect nothing less.

Rachel: I got to figure out what I’m going to wear.

Ross: High collar and baggy pants say I’m a pro.

Rachel: Yeah! Right! Okay, I’ll see you guys later. (starts to leave) Woo hoo!

Ross: You go get ‘em. (to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way?

Monica: What?

Ross: ‘Why don’t you call him?!’ Well, thank you very much! Y'know now he is going to prep her, y'know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically remove the boyfriend!

Monica: Are you crazy?!

Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.

Monica: What?! Ross y'know this isn’t even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if you’re right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too?

Ross: No.

Monica: I mean don’t you trust her?

Ross: Well, yeah!

Monica: Then get over yourself! Grow up!

Ross: (shyly) You grow up.

[Scene: Joey’s sister’s house, they’re finishing up dinner.]

Chandler: This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela?

Joey’s Grandmother: No! I did!

Chandler: Well, it’s, it’s yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it?

Joey’s Grandmother: Of course! It’s her favorite.

Chandler: So um, Mary-Angela, what’s your second favorite?

Joey’s Grandmother: More of Grandma’s teramisu.

Chandler: Would you just please....give me the receipt ‘cause this is great. It’s top notch.

Joey’s Grandmother: That dies with me.

Chandler: So will I.

Joey’s Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesn’t mean anything.

Joey’s Sister: (whispering in his ear) Just do it.

Chandler: Will you excuse me I have to um..... (walks to the hall)

[Cut to the hall, Joey’s sister runs up and grabs Chandler’s butt.]

Chandler: (startled) Hey!

Joey’s Sister: Finally, I thought we’d never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. (kisses him)

Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and I’m not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.

Joey’s Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the softest lips.

Chandler: Ahhhh, you’re not Mary-Angela.

Joey’s Sister: No, I’m Mary-Theresa.

Chandler: This is so bad. If-if you’re not Mary-Angela, then-then who is?

Mary-Angela: (standing behind Chandler) I am!

Chandler: Oh, this is soo bad. (doesn’t see Mary-Angela)

Mary-Angela: Joey!!!

Chandler: No Joey! No Joey! Don’t Joey! Joey!

Joey: What’s goin’ on?

Chandler: (pats him on the shoulder) You’re it! Now run and hide!

Mary-Theresa: It’s no big deal. Chandler was just kissin’ me because he thought I was Mary-Angela.

Joey: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela?

Chandler: I wasn’t sure which one Mary-Angela was. (all of Joey’s sisters gasp) Look, I’m sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar.

Joey’s Sister: I say, punch him Joey.

All: Yeah! Punch him!!

Chandler: Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brother’s not going to punch me. (to Joey) Are ya?

Joey: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I just never thought you’d be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?!

Chandler: Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, you’re my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again.

Cookie: So what. I say, punch him.

All: Yeah! Punch him! Punch him!

Joey: No! No! No! No, I’m not going to punch Chandler.

Cookie: I’ll do it.

Joey: No you won’t. Look he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, he’s sorry. But, (to Chandler) you’ve got one more apology to make, all right, you’ve got to apologize to Mary-Angela.

Chandler: Okay, absolutely!

Joey: All right.

Chandler: You’ve got it. (he starts to look at his sister’s, but he still doesn’t know which one is Mary-Angela.)

Joey: Cookie, now you can punch him!

Chandler: What?! (Cookie punches him)

[Scene: A lobby, Ross is waiting for Rachel, after her interview.]

Rachel: (getting of the elevator and noticing Ross) Hey!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: What are you doing here?

Ross: Ah y'know, this building is on my paper route so I... (gives her a flower)

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: Hi. (kisses her)

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: How’d did it go?

Rachel: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldn’t shut up.

Ross: I’m so proud of you.

Rachel: Me too!

Ross: Listen, I’m ah, I’m sorry I’ve been so crazy and jealous and, it’s just that I like you a lot, so...

Rachel: I know.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah.

Mark: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah. (turns around) Hi Mark!

Mark: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job.

Rachel: Oh, I did!

Mark: Yes.

Rachel: (to Ross) Oh my God!! (she turns around and hugs Mark, not Ross)

Ross: Congratu!! (sees her hug Mark) -lations-lations.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The entire gang is there.]

Monica: So ah, Phoebe, how was your date?

Phoebe: Oh well y'know. (laughs)

Monica: Yeah, I do know.

Phoebe: Ick, you were eavesdropping.

Rachel: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.

Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. But I really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me.

(We hear the sound of a bed creaking through the ceiling, and him moaning.)

Ross: Maybe he’s just jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it?

(We hear a women start moaning.)

Ross: Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too?

Joey: All right, that’s it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. (gets up) This guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! (stops and turns around and asks Rachel) But, is he a big guy?

Ross: Ah, we’ll all go. (motions to Chandler) Come on. (the guys leave)

Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Thank you.

Chandler: Don’t worry.

Phoebe: God, I hope they kick his ass!

Rachel: Honey, I’m sorry.

Monica: Y'know if it’s any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you. (Rachel nods in agreement)

(We the guys knock on the door upstairs, and the guy answering it.)

Guy: (muffled) May I help you?

(We hear the guys start to attack him, but the guy manages to calm them down and gets them to agree to what he did. Monica throws up her hands in disgust.)

End

The One With All The Jealousy

Written by: Doty Abrams

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her first day.]

Rachel: (running in from her bedroom, wearing only a towel) Okay. Hey. Umm. Does everybody hate these shoes?

Chandler: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress.

Rachel: (to Ross) Tell him.

Ross: (to Chandler) It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her!

Chandler: All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?

Ross: Why?

Chandler: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist.

Ross: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks.

Chandler: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?

Ross: Hmm? Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling sound)

Phoebe: (entering, with about 20 purses hanging around her neck) Morning. Rach, I'm here with the purses!

Chandler: (to Phoebe) It must take you forever to find your keys.

Rachel: (running into the living room) Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles.

Rachel: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't need that today.

Ross: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch?

Rachel: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out.

Ross: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job?

Rachel: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox?

Phoebe: Umm, no, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it.

Rachel: Oh.

Chandler: (to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday?

Ross: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again?

Chandler: Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper.

Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliché. Why don't you get a magician?!

Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are entering, Joey is on the phone.]

Ross: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he's really good looking. (Joey gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) What am I gonna do?

Chandler: Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don't cry outloud.

Joey: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical?

Chandler: I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer.

Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco.

Ross: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.

Joey: What?

Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.

Joey: Who?

Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.

Joey: The what?

Chandler: The abridgment.

Joey: Oh, okay. (to Ross) The what?

[Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is training Rachel.]

Mark: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far?

Rachel: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?

Mark: Twenty percent.

Rachel: Oh!! I love this job! (her phone rings) Wow! My first call.

Mark: Here, let me. (answers phone) Rachel Green's line, how may I help you?

Ross: (on phone) Hi, is Rachel there?

Mark: And who may I say is calling?

Ross: This is Ross?

Mark: Ross of.....

Ross: Of Ross and Rachel.

Mark: Oh hi. It's, it's Mark.

Ross: Oh hey, hey Mark.

Mark: Hey, hold on a second.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: Hi honey!

Ross: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone?

Rachel: Oh, he's just goofing around.

Ross: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in his own office?

Rachel: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants.

Ross: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she?

Rachel: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do?

Ross: What?

Rachel: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go. (to Mark) Mark, I need you!

Ross: Okay, bye-bye. (starts slamming the receiver down in anger.)

Rachel: Ow! Ross!!

Ross: Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I'm dialing another number. (hangs up)

[Scene: The Moondance diner, Monica is cleaning up with one of the waiters, with her back turned to him she removes her fake breasts and hides them under her wig.]

Jeannine: (to Monica) All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone with him. You'd better go for it.

Monica: Please, I'm not going for anything.

Jeannine: Well, if you don't, I will.

Monica: Would you please go?

Jeannine: Night Mon. Night Julio.

Julio: (to Jeannine) Adios.

(Monica starts wiping down the stools, as Julio follows along behind her replacing the napkin holders.)

Monica: Look Julio, someone left their book here.

Julio: Ah actually, that is mine.

Monica: Oh yeah, what are you reading?

Julio: Flowers of Evil, by Beaudalire. Have you read it?

Monica: Have I read it? (pause) No, are you enjoying it?

Julio: I thought I would, but the translation's no good.

Monica: Your a poet and don't know it. (she turns away and makes a face like 'I can't believe I just said that.')

Julio: Actually I ah, I am a poet.

Monica: Oh, then you do know it. (pause) So um what kind of things do you write about?

Julio: Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a child laughing, or this lip. (points to her lip)

Monica: Mine? (points to her lower lip) Right here?

Julio: I can write an epic poem about this lip. (grabs her lower lip)

Monica: How would that go? (they kiss) Well, it didn't rhyme, but I liked it.

[Scene: Joey's audition.]

Joey: (singing) You've got to pick a pocket or two. Boyyyyssss, (picks a handkerchief from the pianist's pocket) you've got to pick a pocket or two..........

Director: Lovely, just lovely.

Joey: Really? Thanks.

Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.

Joey: Excellent, I'll be there.

Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.

Joey: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a dancing part.

Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading Joey's resume.]

Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!

Joey: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids either.

Phoebe: Well, can you dance at all?

Joey: Yeah, I can dance, y'know. (starts to dance really, really, really badly)

Chandler: Oh no, no, no, no.

Phoebe: (covering her mouth in shock) What, what is that?

Joey: Sure, it looks stupid now, there's no music playing.

(phone rings)

Chandler: All right, I have to get that, but no-no. (answering phone) Hello? (listens) (happily) Hi! Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. (listens) Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? (listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes?

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Phoebe: Oh, how was last night with Julio, senorita?

Monica: It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. Oh gosh, I gotta so you this. Last night, we were fooling around and he stops to write a poem.

Joey: Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.

Chandler: Okay, we have our stripper. A miss Crystal Chandelier.

Joey: Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?

Monica: Anyway um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all right. Check it out. (hands them the poem)

Joey: (reading) The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty...

Chandler: To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey, y'know what that's pretty good.

Monica: Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh yeah.

Monica: Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it. Yay! All right I gotta go to work. (tries to take the poem)

Joey: Whoa, I'm not done.

Monica: All right, just give it back to me when your done. See you guys.

Chandler: Bye-bye.

(Monica leaves)

Phoebe: Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica!

Chandler: What, what, what?!

Phoebe: What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, (reading) 'My vessel so empty with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still.' He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase!

Chandler: You really think that is what he meant?

Phoebe: Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too.

Joey: Done.

[Scene: Rachel's office, her desk is covered with stuff Ross has sent her.]

Mark: (reaching through the flowers) Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm... (she picks up this bug and it starts to play the theme from Love Story)

Mark: Wh-what's that?

Ross: It's from Ross, it's a love bug.

Mark: Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.

Rachel: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's just really romantic.

Man: (to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green?

Rachel: Yes.

Man: (being joined by the rest of the barbershop quartet) One, two, three...

Quartet: (singing) Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before your the boss.

The Bass Barber: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah.

Quartet: (singing) And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one and only boyfriend...

The Bass Barber: It's nice to have a boyfriend.

Quartet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her bedroom.]

Ross: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt!

Rachel: All right Ross!! I get it!!

Ross: I mean my God...

Rachel: You're hurt!

Ross: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!!

Rachel: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk!

Ross: I would never do that!

Rachel: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do.

Ross: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey are there.]

Joey: Mark's a genius!

Ross: Why?! How?! How is he a genius?

Chandler: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you.

Ross: What am I going to do?

Chandler: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits.

Ross: I don't know you guys.

Chandler: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'

Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!'

Chandler: He paints quite a picture doesn't he?

[Scene: Rachel's office.]

Woman: (walking up to Mark) Here's the Shelly Siegal stuff from December.

Mark: (turning around) And wait, I've got something for you. (kisses her)

Woman: Mark!!

Mark: It's okay, Rachel knows.

Woman: Yeah, but even soo.

(Ross appears in the hallway just outside of Rachel's office.)

Mark: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you.

Rachel: Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets up to get herself a cup of coffee)

(Ross is eavesdropping in the hallway.)

Mark: Okay, okay look, I know I'm being Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough, I mean see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you, come on no one's around, just, just kiss me.

(They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up.)

Ross: All right that's, that's it!! Get off her!

Mark: What is going on?

Ross: What's going on?! (throws the love bug at him) That's what's going on!!

Rachel: (now standing behind Ross) Ross!

(Ross finally looks at the woman kissing Mark.)

Ross: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! (turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He's puts his hand on her shoulder and she knocks it away.)

[Scene: Joey's dance audition, Joey is warming up.]

Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.

Joey: So, does that mean the audition is off?

Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.

Joey: What?!

Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, (very quickly, Joey watches stunned) up, pas de bouree, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!

Joey: It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands.

Director: Have fun.

Joey: Bye. (does the jazz hands)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is tying a ribbon to a vase.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: What are you wrapping?

Monica: Oh-ho, look what I got Julio.

Phoebe: Yeah, it's a vase.

Monica: Yeah, just like the one in the poem.

Phoebe: Well not exactly like the one in the poem.

Monica: What do you mean?

Phoebe: Remember how you said you were really dense about poetry? Oh. (hugs her)

[Scene: The Moondance Diner.]

Monica: (to Julio) So! I'm just an empty vase, huh?

Julio: What?

Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me.

Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Monica: You don't even know me...

Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you.

Monica: What?

Julio: The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby, you make me so sad that you would think this.

Monica: I'm sorry, my friend Phoebe...

Julio: No, it's about all women. Well, all American women. You feel better now?

Monica: (sarcastically) Oh yeah.

[Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.]

Director: All right, let's do it!

(The group does the same horrible dance that Joey did earlier in the show, except they're all out of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.)

Director: No, no, no. What was that?

Joey: I know, it was the best I could get out of them.

Director: Well, people!

Joey: People, people, people.

Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show 'em how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off.

(The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies himself, and then runs out of the audition.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are there.]

Rachel: So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night?

Chandler: Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See, she's fully dressed, right?

Rachel: Right.

Chandler: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! (Rachel just stares at him.)

Ross: (entering) Hi.

Rachel: Hello.

Chandler: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.

Ross: (sits down next to her) I'm sorry, I was an idiot.

Rachel: A big idiot.

Ross: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me.

(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.)

Rachel: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now?

Ross: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away.

Gunther: Let it be me! Let it be me!

Rachel: Honey, that's very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. (she kisses him)

Ross: I gotta get going. Bye Chandler.

Chandler: Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some porn?

Rachel: Where ya going?

Ross: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon.

Rachel: Ohh, with who?

Ross: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party.

Rachel: There was a woman at the... (realizes) The stripper?!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You have a play date with a stripper?!

Chandler: Man, I gotta get a kid. (looks at the pen and starts laughing)

Ross: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay?

Rachel: Sure, is she married?

Ross: Ahh, no.

Rachel: Oh. (starts shaking the sugar down in a packet really hard.)

Ross: Are you jealous?

Rachel: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any y'know other stripper moms friends of her own?

Ross: You are totally jealous.

Rachel: I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people feeling certain things y'know about strippers. And y'know, and um, I...

Ross: Honey, I love you too.

Rachel: Ugh. Wait, wait, wait.

Ross: What?

(She runs over and gives him a very passionate kiss.)

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: (to Chandler) Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know.

Chandler: Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Moondance Diner.]

Man: (entering) Is there a Julio here?

Julio: (to him) I am Julio.

(The rest of barbershop quartet enters, and joins him.)

Man: (singing) Mister Pretensous, (Monica stands up in the background) you think there's no one finer, well but your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner.

Quartet: Your no God's gift to women, that's all in your headdddd. You are just a buttmunch.

Bass Singer: No one likes a buttmunch.

Quartet: And your also bad in bedd-edd-edd!.

(Monica waves at Julio.)

End

The One Where Monica and Richard Are Friends

Written by: Michael Borkow

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: A Video Store, Monica is running in to return a video.]

Monica: (to clerk) Hi.

(The clerk enters the video into the computer.)

Clerk: Six dollars, please.

Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It’s three.

Clerk: Eight o’clock is the cut-off and, (looks at his watch) aww, it’s 8:02.

Monica: Y'know in a weird way, you have too much power. Look, you’re gonna have to help me out here, ‘cause I only have three.

Richard: (standing behind her, without his moustache) I can help with that.

Monica: Oh my God. Richard? (turns around) Hi!

Richard: Hi!

Monica: Wow! Your lip went bald. (Richard pays the clerk) Hey, thanks.

Richard: So, you look great.

Monica: Right.

Richard: No you do. You... just...

Monica: What?

Richard: You’ve got panties stuck to your leg.

Monica: (removes them) That’s because I-I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and it’s static cling. Or maybe it’s just that God knew I’d be running into you and saw an opportunity.

Richard: It’s good to see you.

Monica: It’s good to see you too.

(They hug, and Richard notices a stocking stuck to Monica’s back, which he removes for her.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: continued from earlier.]

Monica: You see that guy? He’s in classics now, but y'know as soon as we leave he’s going straight to the porn.

Richard: He’s gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy. (they both laugh) This is nice.

Monica: Yeah.

Richard: I missed this.

Monica: Me too.

Richard: So, you wanna get a hamburger or something?

Monica: Oh, um, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.

Richard: Oh. Look, just friends, I won’t grope you. I promise.

Monica: No, I just I think that it’s too soon.

Richard: No it’s not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Ross. Joey, and Rachel are eating breakfast. Chandler is holding a bottle of Hersey’s Syrup.]

Chandler: Yeah, baby!

Ross: What are you doing?

Chandler: Making chocolate milk. Do you want some?

Ross: No thanks. I’m 29.

Rachel: (looking at her watch) Oh my God, I gotta go to work!

Ross: Oh sweetie, when do you think you’re going to get off tonight?

Rachel: Oh I don’t know honey. It’s gonna be really late.

Ross: Oh come on, not again.

Rachel: I know. I’m sorry. Look, I’ll make a deal with you all right? Okay?

Ross: Hmm.

Rachel: For every night that you’re asleep before I get home from work...

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: I will wake you up in a way that’s proved very popular in the past.

Ross: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that.

Rachel: Right.

Phoebe: (entering, holding a pair of Roller Blades) Hi.

All: Hey.

Joey: (to Phoebe) Look at you. Since when do you roller blade?

Phoebe: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like y'know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y'know we made a deal that’s he’s going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff.

Ross: And what are you going to do for him?

Phoebe: I’m going to let him.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: Cool.

Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Morning.

All: Hey.

Rachel: Somebody got in late last night.

Monica: Yeah well, I ran into Richard.

(They all gasp)

Rachel: When did this happen?

Monica: Oh, um, around 8:02. We ah, talked for a little while, and then um, we went out for an innocent burger.

Phoebe: Oh, there’s no such thing as an innocent burger.

Ross: So, are you gonna see him again?

Monica: Tomorrow night.

Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?

Chandler: Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she’s celebrating that by going on a date with him.

Monica: It’s not a date, okay. I’m just gonna teach him how to make lasagne for some pot luck dinner he has.

Joey: Well, you might wanna make a little extra, y'know you’ll probably be hungry after the sex.

Monica: We’re not gonna have sex! Okay, nothing’s changed here. He still doesn’t want children and I still do, so that’s why we’re just gonna be friends.

Ross: Naked friends.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Do you have any ice?

Joey: Check the freezer. If there’s none in there, then we’re probably out. Are you just getting in from work? It’s late.

Rachel: Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from Calvin Klien. I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day?

Joey: I discovered I’m able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue.

Rachel: Hmm. (she opens the freezer) Umm, why do you have a copy of The Shining in your freezer?

Joey: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so.

Rachel: But ah, you’re safe from it if it’s in the freezer?

Joey: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure we’ve got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know.

Rachel: How often do you read it?

Joey: Haven’t you ever read the same book over and over again?

Rachel: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean that’s a classic, what’s so great about The Shining?

Joey: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about The Shining. Okay? And the answer would be: nothing. All right? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet it’s way better than that classic of yours.

Rachel: Okay. Ah, well we’ll just see about that, okay. I will read The Shining, (she tries to take the book away from him but he doesn’t want to let it go) and you will read Little Women.

Joey: All right, you got it.

Rachel: All right.

Joey: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Joey: Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women.

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: How little are they? I mean, are they like scary little?

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there, Phoebe is entering with her date Robert.]

Phoebe: Um, Chandler, Ross, this is Robert.

Chandler: Oh, hey.

Robert: Hi.

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: (to Robert) You’ve have lipstick right here (points to her cheek). That’s okay, it’s mine, we just kissed.

Ross: Oh.

Chandler: (to Robert) So ah, isn’t a bit cold out for shorts?

Robert: Well, I’m from California.

Chandler: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames.

(Robert leans back on the arm of the chair and allows Chandler to see up his shorts and sees ‘little Robert.’ Chandler is horrified by this view.)

Chandler: (standing up) I’m up! I’m up, I’ve gotten up now! Anybody ah, want anything?

Phoebe: I’ll have coffee.

Robert: Yeah, me too.

Ross: Yeah, make that three.

Chandler: Okay Ross, why don’t you come with me?

Ross: Okay. (goes over to the counter) (to Chandler) What ah, what is the matter with you? What’s going on?

Chandler: Robert’s coming out.

Ross: What, what do you mean, what? Is he gay?

Chandler: No. He.....he’s coming out of his shorts.

Ross: What?!

Chandler: The man is showing brain.

Ross: Are you sure? (Chandler nods: Yes!) Hold on. (walks over behind the couch) I’m sorry you guys, that was a coffee and a....

Robert: Coffee.

Ross: Okay.

Robert: We could write it down for you?

Ross: No, no, that won’t be ah, that won’t be necessary (leans down and looks up Robert’s shorts, seeing Robert’s package.)

Chandler: (to Ross) Wellll?

Ross: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Chandler: What do we do? What do we do?

Ross: Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it.

Chandler: Like an eclipse.

(Ross nods his head.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is teaching Richard how to make lasagne.]

Richard: So when people complement me on my cooking should I, what do I say?

Monica: You say ‘Thank you very much,’ and then you buy me something pretty. Come on, we’re gonna put are hands in this bowl, and we’re gonna start squishing the tomatoes.

(They both start squishing the tomatoes.)

Richard: Ew, this feels very weird.

Monica: You touch people’s eyeballs every day and this feels weird.

Richard: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them. (Monica grabs his hand in the tomatoes.) That’s my hand.

Monica: Oops.

Richard: Okay.

Monica: Gotta keep squishing.

Richard: Tomatoes are squishing.

Monica: Okay.

(Richard squishes a little too hard and some lands on his shirt.)

Richard: Op.

Monica: Oh, gosh, you got some on your shirt.

Richard: Yeah.

Monica: Hold on a second, just put a little club soda on it (does so) and it should umm, be.....

(She is rubbing his chest and her voice trails off into silence, a long pause follows.)

Richard: What?

Monica: Umm, you’ve got some on your pants.

Richard: I’ll just throw them out.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is watching Joey read Little Women, Ross is also there.]

Joey: These little women. Wow!

Chandler: Your liking it, huh?

Joey: Oh yeah! Amy just burned Jo’s manuscript. I don’t see how he could ever forgive her.

Ross: Umm, Jo’s a girl, it’s short for Josephine.

Joey: But Jo’s got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods his head) Oh. You mean it’s like a girl-girl thing? ‘Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining.

Chandler: No, actually Laurie’s a boy.

Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.

(Enter Phoebe and Robert)

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: Hey! How’d the ah, basketball go?

Phoebe: Oh, okay, I learned how to shoot a lay-up, a foul shot, and a twenty-three pointer.

Chandler: You mean a three pointer?

Phoebe: Oh, I get more because I’m dainty.

Robert: So um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages?

Phoebe: Yeah, in the back. You want a quarter?

Robert: Oh, no thanks. I always carry one in my sock.

(He puts his leg up on the couch to get the quarter, once again exposing himself to Chandler and Ross. In horror, Chandler, slides over and leans against Joey on the couch.)

Joey: (noticing Chandler) What are you doing? (he pushes Chandler back to his side of the couch) Get back over on your side of the... (sees Robert in all his glory) Hello!! (to Robert) Hi, I’m Joey, we haven’t met.

Robert: Ah, good to meet you. Robert.

(Robert walks away and the guys all start laughing in front of Phoebe.)

Phoebe: What? (the guys keep laughing.) What? You guys, what is going on? You not like Robert? (the guys keep laughing.) Why are you laughing?!

Ross: Calm down. There’s no reason to get testy.

(The guys start laughing harder.)

Phoebe: You guys!! Come on!

Chandler: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it just seems that Robert isn’t as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped.

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Robert: Hey. (sits down)

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Hey Robert, could you ah, ha, pass me those cookies?

Robert: Sure.

(He puts his leg up on the table to pass Joey the cookies, and Phoebe sees what the guys are laughing at, and gasps.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to Richard on the phone.]

Monica: So, how’d the lasagne go over? (listens) Really?! Good. So you owe me three pretty things. (listens) Yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about you too. (listens) I know. It’s hard this whole platonic thing. (listens) It’s a word!

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Monica: Yeah, I do think it’s better this way. (listens) Yeah, we’re being smart. (gets up to answer the door) (listens) Yes, I’m sure.(she opens the door and it’s Richard)

Richard: You really sure?

Monica: I’ll call you back. (starts kissing him)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica’s bedroom, she’s in bed with Richard.]

Monica: So we can be friends who sleep together.

Richard: Absolutely, this will just be something we do, like racquetball.

Monica: Sounds smart and healthy to me. So um, just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies?

Richard: Just your dad. (pause) Although that’s actually racquetball. You know I-I do have a blind date with my sister’s neighbour next Tuesday.

Monica: Oh.

Richard: You want me to cancel it?

Monica: No! (pushes him) No!

Richard: Okay.

Monica: ‘Cause if you do that means you’d be cancelling it for me, and we’re just friends.

Richard: Exactly. (pushes her back)

[Scene: Central Perk, Robert is picking up Phoebe for a date.]

Robert: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. Ooh! Don’t sit down!

Robert: You ready to go to the batting cage?

Phoebe: Yeah. And, first here’s a gift.

Robert: Oh! Wow! Hey!

Chandler: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!

Robert: Jeez, thank you really that is so nice. But um, to be honest, I don’t think I can wear these, they’re so tight, I feel like I’m on display. I’m sorry.

Phoebe: That’s all right, that’s well, I figured.... (they start to leave as Joey enters.)

Robert: (to Joey) Hey!

Joey: Hey! (starts to laugh.) How’s it going?

Ross: Good.

Joey: Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining?

Rachel: Oh, Danny just went into room 217.

Joey: Oooh, the next part’s the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub...

Rachel: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you’re gonna ruin it!

Joey: All right I’ll talk in code. (to Ross and Chandler) Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?

Chandler: Hmmm, that’s very cool.

Joey: Oh, all blank, and no blank, make’s blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww!

Rachel: Joey! I can’t believe you just did that!

Chandler: I can’t believe she cracked your code!

Rachel: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though she’s still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy.

Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right, the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills the dad.

Rachel: Eh. Beth dies.

(Joey recoils and gasps in horror.)

Joey: Beth, Beth dies?

Rachel: Um-hmm.

Joey: Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?

Chandler: No, Beth doesn’t die, she doesn’t die. Does she Rachel?

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Joey’s asking if you’ve just ruined the first book he’s ever loved that didn’t star Jack Nicholson?

Rachel: No. She doesn’t die.

Joey: Then why would you say that?!

Rachel: Because, I wanted to hurt you.

Robert: (running in) Oh, there they are! I-I dropped my keys.

(He bends over to pick them up, right in front of Rachel, who then gets a free peep show.)

Rachel: (gasps) Oh my....

Robert: Got ‘em.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading The Shining, as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hi.

Rachel: (screams and grabs a potato masher to defend herself) Sorry. I’m sorry.

Monica: You would not believe my day! I had to work two shifts, and then to top it off, I lost one of my fake boobs, (opens her coat revealing a large burn mark over her left breast.) in a grill fire.

(Rachel starts laughing.)

Monica: What are you smiling at?

Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just thinking you’re day could still pick up.

Monica: Yeah, right.

(She goes into her bedroom, and sees Richard who has covered the room in roses and has two glasses of wine and a rose between his lips.)

Richard: Hello.

Monica: I love this friend thing!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there.]

Phoebe: Listen, Robert’s gonna be here any second so, will one of you just tell him?

Ross: Oh.

Phoebe: Please, right now, no, every time I see him it’s like ‘Is it on the lose?’ ‘Is it watching me?’

Chandler: We can’t tell him, you can’t go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff.

Ross: He’s right, even if it’s to say something complementary. (He stops and thinks about what he just said.)

Robert: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey.

Robert: (to Phoebe) So are ready for the gym? They’ve got this new rock climbing wall, we can spot each other.

Phoebe: No, I can spot you from here.

Robert: What?

Phoebe: Okay, listen Robert...

Ross: (to Chandler) Hey, don’t we have to...

Chandler: Yeah, we got, um-hmm.

Phoebe: Umm, I think you’re really, really great...

Robert: Oh God! Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? (spreads his legs) Is it something I’m putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?

Phoebe: I-I-I-I-I don’t know, I don’t know what to say.

Gunther: (cleaning up the table) (to Robert) Hey buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back in the house.

(Robert looks down and realises the problem.)

[Scene: Richard’s bedroom, Monica has covered it in rose pedals and candles. We hear Richard come in to the apartment, and Monica frantically throws the rest of the pedals on the bed, and jumps onto the bed and puts a rose in her mouth, and bites a thorn.]

Monica: Ow!

Richard: (outside the bedroom) Really?! Well, it’s just like everyone else’s apartment. It’s got rooms, walls, and ceilings.

Richard’s Date: Well, I just wanted to see where you lived. Now, give me the tour.

Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! (She frantically tries to clean up the bedroom as Richard starts the tour.)

Richard: Ah well, this is the living room.

Richard’s Date: Impressive.

Richard: All right. This is the kitchen.

Richard’s Date: Oh, that’s real pretty. Wait a minute, don’t I get to see the bedroom?

Richard: The bedroom. Well it’s pretty much your typical... (opens the door as Monica hides under the covers, and quickly closes the door before his date can see the room.) bedroom.

Richard’s Date: We’re still on this side of the door.

Richard: Um-hmm.

Richard’s Date: Yeah, but I didn’t get to see it.

Richard: Oh shoot! Maybe next time. (yawns) Thanks for a lovely evening. (shows her out)

[Cut to into the bedroom, with Monica still hiding under the covers. Richard enters and sits down next to her.]

Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) So um, who was she?

Richard: Oh, (laughs) that was the blind date that I told you about, she called and switched it to today.

Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) Did you like her? And I’m just asking as a friend, because I am totally fine with this.

Richard: Well, you seem fine.

Monica: (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I’m not fine, I’m not. I mean how can I be fine, hearing you come in with her, she wants to see your bedroom.... (pause) Y'know what, what if we’re friends who don’t see other people?

Richard: You mean like exclusive friends?

Monica: Why not?! I mean this has been the most amazing week. Would it be so terrible? Even if we were friends who lived together. Or, maybe someday friends who stood up in front of their other friends, and vowed to be friends forever.

Richard: Wow. Y'know we’re back where we were. Honey, I would love to do all that, but nothing’s changed.

Monica: That’s not true, you don’t have a moustache.

Richard: Okay, okay, one thing’s changed. But we still want different things and we know how this is gonna end.

Monica: Y'know what, I’ve got to walk out of here right now, ‘cause getting over you is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I don’t think I could do it again.

Richard: I know I couldn’t. So....

(Monica kisses him.)

Monica: How ‘bout one last game of racquetball?

(They both kiss, and Richard picks her up and goes over to the bed and starts to lie down.)

Monica: Watch the thorns!

Richard: (lying down) Ow!!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, and he’s very dejected.]

Rachel: What?

Joey: Beth is really, really sick.

Rachel: Awwww.

Joey: Jo’s there, but I don’t think there’s anything she could do.

(Rachel hugs him)

Rachel: Joey?

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: Do you want to put the book in the freezer?

Joey: (nodding his head) Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

(Joey hands her the book and she puts it in the freezer.)

End

The One With Phoebe’s Ex-Partner

Written by: Wil Calhoun

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang, except Rachel, is watching a new singer.]

Singer: (singing) ‘Cause every time I see your face, I can’t help but fall from grace. I know.....

Joey: Wow! This girl is good.

Phoebe: Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that before.

Chandler: I like her.

Phoebe: (to Chandler) Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time?

Chandler: Well, that’s pretty much all I’m looking for from these people.

Monica: (to Phoebe) Look at you. All jealous.

Ross: Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. Y'know, she’s more..(shakes his shoulders, like he’s dancing) y'know, and you’re more (sees the look from Phoebe and stops)

Singer: (singing) beside meeeee-eeee-ee. (everyone applauds her).

Phoebe: Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she’s done.

Singer: Okay, my next song’s called: Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn’t Have Left You That Way.

(The gang all looks at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh no, one of those ‘look for the hidden meaning’ songs.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, later.]

Singer: Hey Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hey Leslie, how’d you know I’d be here?

Leslie: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm....

Chandler: (to Ross) All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I’d like know whether that’s several big fish or just one big fish.

Joey: (to Leslie) So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles.

Phoebe: Actually I said she abandoned me to write jingles.

Joey: (to Leslie) Ah, anything we might of heard of?

Leslie: Ah, yeah, umm. (singing) Home is never far away..

Monica, Ross, and Joey: (joining in) Home is Home Star stew.

Leslie: Yeah, but, I don’t do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and then I couldn’t come up with anything good, so they fired me.

Phoebe: Hmm, bummer.

Leslie: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you’d want to get back together?

Phoebe: No. But thanks.

Leslie: Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it?

Phoebe: Okay. No. But thanks.

Leslie: Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. (leaves)

Joey: (to Phoebe) Wow, that was kinda brutal.

Phoebe: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, y’know. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have a tissue, please?

Monica: Yeah, sure.

[Scene: Outside the bathroom, Chandler is pacing back and fourth, waiting is use it.]

Gunther: (to Chandler) Someone in there?

Chandler: No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called ‘wait until the last moment before I burst and die.’

(The door opens.)

Chandler: Jeez, man did you fall..(sees it’s a beautiful woman coming out of the men’s room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?

Woman: Someone was in the lady's room, I couldn’t wait. I left the lid up for ya though.

(Gunther walks up)

Chandler: (to Gunther) Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I’m-I’m talking to ah, (tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say your name.

Woman: Ginger.

Chandler: Ginger. I’m talking to Ginger, so....

Ginger: Don’t you have to use the bathroom?

Chandler: Nope, nope, I’d just ah, I’d rather talk to you. (pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom. (knocks on the door)

Gunther: Someone in here.

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang’s putting their coats on to leave.]

Phoebe: Where’s Chandler?

Joey: Ah, he can’t make it, he said he had to his... (sees Ginger) Whoa-oh! (hides behind the coat rack.)

Ginger: Joey? Joey Tribbiani?

(She walks over behind the coat rack, but Joey picks it up and moves it so that he’s still behind it, and she can’t see him.)

Ginger: Joey I can see you okay? You’re hiding behind the coats.

(Joey puts his finger over his mouth to tell Ross to keep quiet. Ginger looks at Monica who looks away and leave.)

Joey: Phew, close one.

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Mark is packing his stuff into a box.]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi, sweetie!

Ross: Hello.

Mark: Hi, Ross.

Ross: Yeah, huh.

Rachel: I’ve got some bad news.

Ross: What?

Rachel: I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I have to come back up here.

Ross: Come on sweetie! You’ve had to work late every night for the past two weeks, what is it this time?

Mark: Actually, it’s kinda my fault. I-I quit today.

Ross: (to Rachel) But work comes first! (to Mark) Oh hey, but that’s sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya?

Rachel: Nooo, he’s leaving for a better job.

Ross: Oh well that’s great, so I guess this is ah, this is good bye then. Huh? (picks a pad up off Rachel’s desk and tosses it into his box) Good bye.

Mark: Okay, then.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: Well we’re gonna miss you around here.

Mark: Yeah, me too.

(Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one of her hands and doesn’t let go, so she can only put one arm around him.)

Mark: So, see ya on Saturday.

Rachel: Yeah, you bet.

(Ross is shocked, but Rachel drags him out of the office.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are playing with a Ouija board, Phoebe’s beeper goes off and Monica screams.]

Phoebe: Oh. (takes her beeper puts in a pot, covers it, and puts the pot in the oven)

Monica: Y'know those are a delicacy in India.

Phoebe: Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to see if we can get back together. That’s the twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie!

Monica: Wow, she must have hurt you pretty bad, huh?

Phoebe: Well, yeah. Y'know, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our Moms worked on the barge together.

Monica: Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge.

Phoebe: You never run on a barge!

Joey: (entering) Hey.

Phoebe and Monica: Hey.

Joey: Is ah, is Chandler around?

Monica: No, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house.

Joey: Oooh.

Monica: Yeah, Ginger something.

Joey: Nooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn’t something that sounded like Ginger, like ah, Gingeer?

Monica: No, it was Ginger. I remember, because when he told me, I said, (singing) ‘the movie star.’

Joey: Aww, man. That’s the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he’s my roommate, she’s gonna tell him what I did.

Monica: Well, what did you do?

Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can’t, I can’t tell you that, it’s like the most awful, horrible thing I’ve ever done my whole life.

Monica: Y'know what, don’t tell us. We’ll just wait until Chandler gets home, (to Phoebe) because it’ll be more fun that way.

Joey: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad’s cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner....

Monica: You gave her food poisoning!?

Joey: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log.

Phoebe: Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fire!

Joey: I wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should’ve told you about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg.

(Phoebe and Monica both stand up and gasp.)

Monica: Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?

Joey: I ran!!

[Scene: A street, Chandler is kissing Ginger.]

Chandler: Well, that’s the best kiss I’ve had with anyone I’ve ever met in a men’s room.

Ginger: Actually, me too.

Chandler: (sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle.

Ginger: Oh damn, I hate that.

Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna have to get you out of those shoes.

Ginger: Oh, don’t worry about it.

Chandler: No, really you’re gonna freeze.

Ginger: No, I’m not.

Chandler: You’re not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot?

Ginger: Some day, maybe.

[Scene: Ross’s bedroom, Rachel getting into bed while Ross is reading and laughs.]

Rachel: Funny book?

Ross: Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about something funny I heard today. Umm, Mark, Mark saying ‘I’ll see you Saturday.’

Rachel: Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you didn’t mind.

Ross: Oh, no, no, no, it’s-it’s not the lecture ah, I mind, umm....

Rachel: Oh, please tell me it’s not because I’m going with Mark.

Ross: Oh, well...

Rachel: Oh my God!!! Ross!!

Ross: Well, I’m sorry, but ah, look if you’re not working with him anymore, why do you have to still do stuff with him?

Rachel: Because, he’s my friend.

Ross: Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean...

Rachel: Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark?

Ross: Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing?

Rachel: I don’t know, you thought ‘See you Saturday’ was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me.

Ross: Pa-haa!! I would love to go with you.

Rachel: Really!?

Ross: Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion..... monger.

Rachel: Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. (Ross has a worried look on his face) What?

Ross: What should I wear, now I’m all nervous.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is looking at her beeper still in the pot. She takes it out, shakes it, and puts it back in.]

Monica: Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps.

Phoebe: It’s just y'know, been a couple of hours, and she hasn’t called. Not that I even care, y'know.

Monica: Phoebe why don’t you just call her? You obviously want to.

Phoebe: You think you know me so well.

Monica: Well, don’t ‘cha wanna?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Okay, well I do know you.

Phoebe: That’s what I said.

Monica: Well so?

Phoebe: I can’t. I can’t. She dumped me, I mean I totally trusted her and then one day it was ‘Okay, bye Pheebs’ gone. Y'know what the saddest part is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun I’ve ever had in like all my lives.

[Scene: Central Perk, Leslie is singing.]

Leslie: (singing) My best shoes, so good to me. I wear them everyday. Down at the heel, holes in the toes. Don’t care what people say. My feet’s best friends, pals to the end. With them I’m one hot chicky. Though late one night, not much light, I....

(Phoebe runs in and joins her.)

Phoebe: (singing) I stepped in something icky.

Phoebe and Leslie: (singing) Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile. Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I’ll.... avoid the..... pillleeeee.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The lecture, Rachel is listening closely, Ross is bored out of his mind.]

Lecturer: We’re beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colours. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink....

Ross: (to Rachel) I’m really glad we came. (Rachel smiles and rubs his arm) You’re so pretty. I love you.

Rachel: Oh. (puts her hand over his mouth)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Leslie how to sing Smelly Cat.]

Phoebe: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.

Leslie: Wow, that’s great.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah!

Leslie: Y'know you could totally sell this. It’d be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign.

Phoebe: I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no.

Leslie: What? Why not? You could make a ton of money.

Phoebe: Okay, well if I was in this for the money, I’d be a millionaire by now, y'know. You just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie.

Leslie: Aw, you’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry.

Phoebe: That’s okay. All right, I’m gonna play song that’s really, really sad. It’s called Magician Box Mix Up. (she turns her guitar upside down to play it.)

[Scene: The lecture, Ross is passed out against Rachel’s shoulder.]

Lecturer: ....oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories in general are very popular now.

(Ross wakes up with a start and startles Rachel. The guy next to him starts laughing, which starts Ross laughing, Rachel gives him a look and he stops.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading the newspaper.]

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Oh, can I borrow this? (points to his milk) My milk’s gone bad.

Chandler: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car.

Monica: So umm, how was your date with Ginger?

Chandler: Great. It was great. She’s ah, she’s great, great looking, great personality, she’s greatness.

Monica: Sounds like she’s got the ah, whole package.

Chandler: Joey told you about the leg, huh?

Monica: Uh-huh.

Chandler: Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn’t have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don’t want to stop seeing her, but every so often it’s like ‘Hey, y'know what, where’s your leg?’ I mean I’m the smallest person in the world aren’t I? I’m the smallest person in the world.

Joey: (entering from his bedroom) Morning.

Chandler: (to Monica) Actually he’s the smallest person in the world.

Joey: (to Chandler) Heard about the leg burnin’ huh?

Chandler: It came up.

Joey: Listen, I ah, I know it’s a longshot. But, by any chance did she find that funny?

(Both Chandler and Monica walk away in disgust.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are getting back from the lecture.]

Ross: (entering) So I nodded off a little.

Rachel: Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father’s boat didn’t make that much noise when it hit rocks!

Ross: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses.

Rachel: Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he’s ‘Hey everybody! Remember that thing that’s been dead for a gazillion years. Well there’s this little bone we didn’t know it had!’

Ross: First of all it’s Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn’t fly.

Rachel: Okay, see now, what I just heard: blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah.

Ross: Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka.

Rachel: Oh, that is so...

Ross: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. (Makes an unusual sound, then he realises that he still has his jacket on and quickly tries to shake it off, thinking it’s alive and attacking him.)

Rachel: Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn’t go with Mark?

Ross: No. I... I wanted to be with you. I don’t know, I feel like lately, I feel like you’re slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new people, and you’ve got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know it’s dumb, but I hate that I’m not a part of it.

Rachel: It’s not dumb. But, maybe it’s okay that you’re not a part of it. Y'know what I mean? (Ross looks confused) I mean it’s like, I-I-I like that you’re not involved in that part of my life.

Ross: That’s a little clearer.

Rachel: Honey see, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work it’s-it’s for me y'know, I’m out there, on my own, and I’m doing it and it’s scary but I love it, because it’s mine. I, but, I mean is that okay?

Ross: Sure, I-I-I... (hugs her and mouths No!!)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Ginger are eating dinner.]

Ginger: Your thinking about my leg aren’t you?

Chandler: No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again?

Ginger: It’s okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need to know is: ‘How much it bothers you?’ because I don’t like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time?

Chandler: No. No. I don’t think so.

Ginger: Okay. It’s just like anything else, you just have to get used to it.

(They start making out. She opens his shirt and feels inside and stops.)

Ginger: What’s that?

Chandler: That’s-that’s my nubbin.

Ginger: What’s a nubbin?

Chandler: It’s kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing.

Ginger: You have three nipples?

Chandler: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?

Ginger: Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave.

Chandler: You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come?

Ginger: Ah well, it’s nubbin. Nothing! Umm. Y'know what, I’ll see you later. Okay. (She leaves and in the hall we see her shake her shoulders like when someone runs their fingernails across a blackboard.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing as Leslie enters.]

Phoebe: (to Leslie) Oh, I thought you weren’t coming. What? Where were you?

Leslie: Come here, come here. (they go to the side of the stage) Okay, don’t get mad, okay.

Phoebe: Okay, don’t give me a reason to get mad, okay

Leslie: I played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts.

Phoebe: No, look, I told you that I didn’t want you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did it anyway. God, y'know what, I think five years ago I probably would’ve done anything to play with you but, I can do it by myself. And if I can’t trust you then just forget it.

Leslie: No, no, I don’t want to forget it.

Phoebe: Okay y'know what you have to choose. All right, if-if the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay you can have Smelly Cat, but we won’t be partners. So what’s it gonna be?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Joey are watching TV.]

Commercial: (in the background their singing Smelly Cat) Problem odour in the litter box? Don’t change your kitty, change your kitty litter.

(Monica gets up and shuts off the TV.)

Monica: Sorry, Pheebs.

Joey: Yeah. You okay?

Phoebe: Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-life’s gonna had you all kinds of stuff, y'know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a new song?

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: We’d love too.

Phoebe: Okay. (singing) ‘Jingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.’ That’s all I have so far.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang except Chandler is there.]

Chandler: (entering, happily) Well hello!

Joey: Where have you been?

Chandler: The doctor.

Ross: Is everything okay?

Chandler: Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.

Monica: Wow! It’s like Rachel in High School.

Rachel: What?!!

Monica: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke!

Chandler: That was an obvious joke, and I didn’t think of it. Why didn’t I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!

End

The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break

Written by: Michael Borkow

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is taking a jar of olives out of the fridge.]

Joey: (to Monica) Hey, how much will you give me to eat this whole jar of olives?

Monica: I won’t give you anything, but you’ll owe me 2.95.

Joey: Done.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey. I need an atlas! I need an atlas!

Monica: Why? (in a motherlike tone) Do you have a report due?

Phoebe: I have a date with this diplomat I met while I was giving free massages outside the UN and, I don’t know where his country is.

Monica: Okay, let’s start with the free messages outside the UN.

Phoebe: Oh!! That’s my new thing. I figure bodies at peace, make peace.

Monica: Wow! You might just get the first Nobel prize in rubbing. So what country is this guy from?

Phoebe: Ick-neck-tree-anis..... There’s a ‘g’ in there.

Monica: Where’s that?

Phoebe: In your atlas!

Monica: I don’t have an atlas.

Phoebe: Oh.

Monica: Oh, but wait I do have a globe.

Phoebe: Oh.

Monica: Hold on.

Joey: So Pheebs what’s this guy like?

Phoebe: Umm, well he’s very dashing, y'know, and umm, very, very sophisticated, and he doesn’t speak any English, but according to his translator, he totally gets me.

Monica: ‘Kay, here you go. (Hands her this tiny little globe.)

Phoebe: What is this?

Monica: It’s a globe and, a pencil sharpener.

(Phoebe puts the globe right up next to her eye to try and find the country.)

Chandler: (entering) Hey, does anybody need anything copied? I’m going down to the Xerox place.

Monica: Oh, no thanks.

Chandler: Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two of.

Monica: Well, if you don’t have anything to copy, why are you going down there?

Joey: Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring again?

Chandler: Yeah! You wanna come?

Joey: Yeah!

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Xerox place, Chandler and Joey are waiting in line.]

Chandler: Come on Chloe! Finish up with your customer first. Come on Chloe! Come on Chloe!!

Issac: (to Chandler and Joey) Can I help you?

Chandler: Uh-oh.

Joey: Uh, y'know what, we’re having second thoughts about our copying needs. And we’ll need a little more time to think about it.

Issac: Chloe, switch with me, there’s some guys here that got a crush on you.

Chandler: (to Joey) Okay, that hurt us.

Chloe: Hi guys. I haven’t seen you since this morning.

Chandler: Well ah, ........y'know.

Chloe: Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

Joey: Both of us? (points to Chandler and himself)

Chloe: Maybe. Does that scare ya?

(They both start laughing. They look at each other, stop and step apart a little bit.)

Chloe: Relax. It’s just Issac’s D.J.-ing at the Philly. You should come.

Joey: We’ll be there.

Chloe: Great. I’ll ah, see ya then.

Chandler: All right, rock on. (Does the ‘Hang 10’ sign, then hides his face in shame.)

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking along with the diplomat (Sergei) and his translator (Mischa).]

Sergei: (something in Russian or Polish)

Mischa: He’s says, ‘Walking with you makes this strange city, feel like home.’

Phoebe: Me too. Although this city is my home, so. So that’s dumb what I said, don’t tell him I said that. Umm, you make something up. (Mischa does so and Sergei kisses her hand.) Nice, (to Mischa) thank you. This is me. Here.

(Sergei goes up to her at her door and says something.)

Mischa: (leaning in) Your eyes are very pretty.

Phoebe: (to Mischa) Thank you, very much! Oh! (to Sergei) Thank you!

(Sergei says something and leans in to kiss her, but just as he’s about to....)

Mischa: (leaning in) He would like to kiss you.

Phoebe: (to Mischa) Okay, y'know what, you don’t have to do that now. (Mischa translates that to Sergei) No-no-no-no!! Not him, you don’t! (Mischa tells Sergei he can proceed and steps away) Well the moment’s over.

(Sergei says something and kisses her.)

Phoebe: Oh.

Mischa: Oy!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is showing Monica where Sergei’s country is.]

Phoebe: (pointing to the globe) See there it is right there.

Monica: Wow! It’s small.

Phoebe: Yeah. But Sergei said it took the Germans six weeks to get all the way across it.

Monica: So you had fun, huh?

Phoebe: Yeah. Except for, y'know when you’re on a date and you’re getting along really great but the guy’s translator keeps getting in the way.

Monica: No.

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Phoebe and Monica: Hey.

Ross: What is ah, Rach in her room?

Monica: Oh no, she’s still at work, but she told me to tell you to call her.

Ross: Oh what?! Is she gonna cancel on me again?! How can she do this? Doesn’t she know it’s our anniversary?

Monica: All right ah, Ross, this is the extent of my knowledge on the subject. (holds up a notepad) Call Rachel.

Ross: What’s that on the bottom?

Monica: Oh that’s my doodle of a ladybug, with a top hat. (to Phoebe) She’s fancy.

(Ross calls Rachel)

Rachel: (answering her phone at work) Hello.

Ross: Hey, honey.

Rachel: Oh, hi.

Ross: Hey, what’s going on?

Rachel: Well, there was a disaster in shipping and I’ve got to get this order in. Honey, I’m so sorry, but it looks like I’m gonna be here all night.

Ross: What, do you, well umm, oh how about I come up there?

Rachel: No-no-no, no, honey please, I’ve got, I’ve just have so much to deal with.

[Cut to kitchen.]

Phoebe: (to Monica) Anyway, I’m going out with Sergei again tonight, and um, could you come and be the translator’s date? So that when we, it’s time for our alone time, you two could split off. Y'know, he’s really, he’s kinda cute.

Monica: Yeah, well kinda cute, like really kinda cute, or kinda cute like your friend Spackel Back Larry?

Phoebe: Hey, don’t call him that! His name is Spackel Back Harry!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the big couch.]

Chandler: Hey, y'know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we should be there?

Joey: Uh, 10:30.

Chandler: What time is it now?

Joey: 4:30.

Chandler: Yeah all right, so we’ll hang out.

Joey: Yeah. Hey, remember when she brought up that thing about the three of us?

Chandler: Yes. Vividly.

Joey: She was kidding about that right?

Chandler: Yeah, I-I-I think so. (Pauses and thinks about it for a second) Yeah, I-I think so...

Joey: God, that would be weird it that situation presented itself tonight, huh?

Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would we do?

Joey: Dude, I don’t know.

Chandler: She was kidding.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: She was.... But y'know what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules.

Joey: Yeah, for sure. Okay. Probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. Y'know, because you don’t want to be doing something and then look up and see something you don’t want to be seeing.

Chandler: Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold it!! Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there.... (holds his arm out and pretends to grab something with his hand.)

Joey: Ah!! Okay! Eyes open at all times! Oh, hey, how do we decide where we... (clears throat) y'know each would, (clears throat again) y'know (pause) be?

Chandler: Right. Right. Well ah, y'know we could flip for it.

Joey: Yeah, I guess, but what’s like heads and what’s tails?

Chandler: Well it you don’t know that, then I don’t want to do this with you.

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel and a co-worker (Sophie) are dealing with the crisis.]

Rachel: (on the phone) No, no, no, I’m looking at a purchase order right here and it clearly states that we ordered the Rivera bikini in a variety of sizes and colours. And.... (listens) What does it matter, what I’m wearing?! Can I please speak to your supervisor? (listens) Thank you. (to Sophie) We’re holding.

Ross: (entering, carrying a basket) Hi!

Rachel: (startled) Oh!! My God, what are you doing here?

Ross: Well you said you couldn’t go out so.... (pulls the cover off of the basket)

Sophie: You brought a picnic, oh, what a boyfriend. That’s it, on Monday I start wearing make-up.

Rachel: Ross honey, this is very nice, but, but I-I got a crisis.

Ross: Yeah, but I got cous-cous!

Rachel: Honey, honey, I’m sorry, I know it’s our anniversary but I told you on the phone I don’t have time to stop.

Ross: Okay, you don’t have to stop, I’m invisible, I’m not here. (lights a candle)

Rachel: But I don’t, hmm... (on phone) Oh, who approved that order?! (listens) Well there is no Mark Robbinson in this office. (to Sophie) Get me Mark on the phone!

Sophie: I love Mark. (to Ross) Do you know Mark?

Ross: Yeah!!

Rachel: Well, let me just check that with what I got here, all right see 038 is not the number for (Ross starts making a lot of noise with a handheld pepper grinder) this store, 038 is Atlanta. And I...(stops and looks at Ross)

Ross: (stopping grinding) Pepper?

Rachel: (angrily) None for me.

Ross: Okay sorry, whew.

Rachel: I’m sorry, as I was saying the store number is wrong, and I’m sorry but that’s... (notices a fire that Ross’s candle has started) Oh my God!!

Ross: (putting out the fire with a squeeze bottle of water) Okay, that’s a fire. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me, I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to call you back, I’ve got a Schemp in my office. (hangs up) (to Ross) What are you doing?

Ross: I’m sorry. But ah, hey, oh, somebody’s off the phone, how ‘bout a glass of wine by the fire, I could get it going again.

Rachel: Ross you’re not listening to me, I don’t have time to stop.

Ross: Come on Rach, you don’t have what, ten minutes?

Rachel: I don’t have ten minutes!!

Ross: What? (to Sophie) Sophie, does she have ten minutes?

Rachel: Hey, Ross!!! I told you I don’t!

Ross: Don’t yell at me okay, this is the most I’ve seen you all week.

Rachel: Look, I cannot do this right now, okay, I’ve got a deadline, would you just go home, I’ll talk to you later. (storms out)

Ross: Yeah, but wait...

Rachel: Good bye!

(Ross starts to pack up the picnic in anger, and throws a three hole punch in the basket.)

Sophie: Actually, that’s our three hole punch.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hi. Look um, about what happened earlier...

Ross: No, hey, well, I-I completely understand. You were, you were stressed.

Rachel: (throws her stuff down) I was gonna give you a chance to apologise to me.

Ross: For what? For letting you throw me out of your office?

Rachel: You had no right coming down to my office Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody’s work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger!

Ross: Yeah, well excuse me for wanting to be with my girlfriend on our anniversary, boy what an ass am I.

Rachel: But I told you, I didn’t have the time!

Ross: Yeah, well you never have the time. I mean, I don’t feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel.

Rachel: Wh, Ross what do you want from me? You want me, you want me to quit my job so you can feel like you have a girlfriend?

Ross: No, but it’d be nice if you realised, it’s just a job!

Rachel: Just a job!

Ross: Yes.

Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I’m doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I’m doing something that I’m actually good at. I mean. if you don’t get that...

Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I’m happy for ya, but I’m tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don’t know what to do anymore.

Rachel: Well neither do I!

Ross: Is this about Mark?

Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.

Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not.

Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you’re, you’re, you’re making this too hard.

Ross: Oh I’m, I’m making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do.

Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break.

Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, (goes to the door) let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yogart, or something.. (opens the door)

Rachel: No. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A break from us.

(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Philly, Chandler and Joey are talking to Chloe.]

Chloe: And the advances in collating in the past five years, I mean we just got in an X-5000, y'know. The X-5000 makes the X-50 look like a T-71.

(Chandler agrees in an absolutely bored way.)

Chloe: (seeing Ross enter) Hey, it’s the dinosaur guy. (runs over to Ross) Hi, Ross.

Ross: Oh, hi Chloe.

Chloe: I want you to met some friends of mine. (Introduces him to Chandler and Joey) This guy is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we said we don’t do that, and he says you gotta. And y'know what, we did it. And now anytime anybody wants 400, we just say ‘let’s Ross it!’

Chandler: And that’s the only colour that comes in.

Issac: Yo, Chloe, do you have a quarter for the condom machine?

Chloe: Oh! (storms off)

Chandler: So, what are you doing here? I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.

Ross: Yeah, little change in plans. Ahh, we’re gonna break-up instead.

(Chandler and Joey stare at each other in shock.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Phoebe are on their dates with Sergei and Mischa.]

Monica: Oh, and I can also speak a little French. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (Mischa laughs) Why? What did I say?

Mischa: Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight.

Monica: Oh my God! No wonder I get such great service at Cafe Maurice.

Phoebe: (laughing and banging her spoon on the table) Knock, knock, knock, knock, hi. Um, could you please tell Sergei that um, I was fascinated by what Boutros Boutros Gali said in the New York Times.

(Mischa does so.)

Phoebe: You didn’t say Boutros Boutros Gali.

Mischa: (to Sergei) Boutros Boutros Gali.

(Sergei responds.)

Mischa: He says he was too.

Phoebe: Interesting.

Mischa: (to Monica) So I was wondering....

Phoebe: Okay, ah, before you get all talky again, umm, could you also please tell Sergei that I really like his suit.

(Mischa does so, and Sergei complements Phoebe, and says it slowly)

Mischa: (to Phoebe, very quickly) Eh, he said, thank you very much, he thinks you look very pretty tonight, your hair, golden like the sun. (to Monica) So you're a chef?

Monica: I’m also thinking about opening up my own restaurant.

Mischa: Oh, really.

Phoebe: Monica, can I talk to you behind my menu, please. (Behind the menu) What are you doing?

Monica: Well, I was having a conversation.

Phoebe: Yeah but, Mischa is so interested in you, that Sergei and I haven’t been able to say two words to each other.

Monica: What do you want me to do? Just sit here silently while you three have a conversation?

Phoebe: That would be great. Thank you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is lying in front of the bay window, and the phone rings.]

Rachel: (jumping up to answer the phone) Hello!

Mark: Oh, hi. It’s Mark.

Rachel: (disappointed) Oh.

Mark: What? Is it my breath?

Rachel: No! Sorry, I just thought you were somebody else. Hi!

Mark: Hi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a message, isn’t tonight your, your big anniversary dinner?

Rachel: Yeah. Well, umm.....

Mark: Rach, are you okay?

Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Yeah, I’m fine.

Mark: You wanna talk, I mean I can come over?

Rachel: No! Really, no, please, please, that’s, that’s okay.

Mark: All right, all right, I’m coming over, and I’m bringing Chinese food.

Rachel: Oh, yeah, I’m not, I’m not hungry.

Mark: It’s for me.

Rachel: Oh. Okay, bye.

[Scene: The Philly.]

Joey: So what are you gonna do?

Ross: What can I do? One person wants to break-up, you break-up.

Chandler: Hey, no way! Come on, this is you guys, call her and work it out.

Ross: Oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all right, don’t I have to wait a while?

Chandler: Hey, this isn’t like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!!

(Ross goes to call her.)

Chandler: Y'know that whole swimming thing is a myth.

Joey: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny.

Chandler: Why? What happened to him?

Joey: Nothing, he’s just really believes in that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.]

Rachel: Oh, and then, we got into this big, stupid fight. I just, it was awful. I told him he treats me like a park ranger, or something, oh and then I told him I wanted to take a break, I don’t want to take a break.

Mark: Wow. I’m sorry. Eggroll?

Rachel: No. (grabs an eggroll) And then I called him, and he wasn’t there.

Mark: Well, then he’s, he’s probably just, out.

Rachel: Oh, thank you that’s very helpful, I’m glad you came over.

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello.

Ross: Hi! It’s me.

Rachel: Hi! Oh, I’m so glad you called.

Ross: Really? I’ve been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don’t, don’t you think we can work on this?

Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink?

Ross: Who’s that?

Rachel: Nobody.

Mark: Is it okay if I finish the apple juice?

(Rachel mouths ‘Shoot!’ or something similar.)

Ross: Is that Mark?

Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to....

[Cut to The Philly.]

Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams the phone down, and walks back to the bar.)

Chloe: Hey, dinosaur guy, look at you, so sad. Come dance.

Ross: Ah, that’s okay, thanks.

Chloe: Hey, you don’t have to smile. You just have to dance.

Ross: Look, I don’t feel like dancing, I feel like having a drink. Okay?

Chloe: Oh, okay. (to the bartender) Hey, two beers. (sits down next to him)

[Scene: The Restaurant, after dinner.]

Mischa: (to Monica) And the vet said it was time. And so from half a world away, while my Mother held the phone to his ear, I said good bye to my dog,. In seven languages.

Monica: Oh. (to Phoebe) Can I have a tissue?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you don’t accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it.

(Sergei says something to Mischa.)

Mischa: (to Phoebe) Sergei, would like to apologise for my behaviour tonight.

Phoebe: Well, tell him, apology accepted.

(Mischa does so.)

Mischa: (to Monica) Oh, he’s unbelievable. I mean for the first time in three years somebody wants to actually want to talk to me, but do you think he would let me enjoy that, no!! (to Sergei) You silly diplomat, why don’t you learn some English, Sergei?

Phoebe: Excuse me, but umm, isn’t he paying for your dinner?

Monica: Hey, the man’s dog just died.

(Sergei insults Mischa, and they get into a huge fight, in Russian.)

Mischa: (to Monica) I have just resigned my post. Would you care to accompany me to the Rainbow Room? I have diplomatic coupons.

Monica: It will be my pleasure. (to Phoebe) My guy has diplomatic coupons. Your guy can’t even say coupons. (they leave)

Sergei: Uh, (picks up a plate) plate?

Phoebe: Plate! Yes, plate.

Sergei: Plate. Plate. Plate.

Phoebe: See, we don’t need them.

Sergei: (picking up a cup) Plate?

Phoebe: Yeah.

[Scene: The Philly, With or Without You is playing. (Which is the same song Ross played for Rachel in TOW the List.)]

Ross: (to Chloe) I like this song.

Chloe: Well, you’re practically dancing already. Why don’t you just do it over here?

Ross: Oh, no, no.

Chloe: What? Are you married? ‘Cause that’s okay.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is next to the bay window again, Mark has left.]

Rachel: (picks up the phone and calls Ross) Oh, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home. Be home. Be home, be home, be home. Oh, you’re not home.

[Scene: The Philly, Ross is dancing with Chloe.]

Chloe: Still no smile?

(She kisses him. Ross leans back for a second, and then they both kiss, more passionately this time as U2's With or Without You plays in the background.)

To Be Continued......

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Sergei is teaching Phoebe how to sing American Pie, by Don Maclean.]

(Both Phoebe and him are singing along and they get to the chorus.)

Sergei: (singing) Touchet, touchet, Miss Americccan pie. (stops to correct Phoebe) Ameri-ccan.

Phoebe: Ameri-can.

Sergei: Ameri-ccan.

Phoebe: Ameri-can. Y'know it’s a very hard language. Let’s do it again.

(They start singing, and Phoebe covers her mouth at the American part.)

Sergei: (to the rest of Central Perk) Everybody!! (In his language, and continues.)

End

The One The Morning After

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

Joey: (Voice Over) Previously on Friends.

[A montage of scenes from The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break follows.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]

Ross: I mean, I don’t feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore.

Rachel: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you’ve got a girlfriend?

Ross: Is this about Mark?

Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.

Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not.

Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break.

Ross: Fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, (goes to the door) let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yoghurt, or something.. (opens the door)

Rachel: No. A break from us.

(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.]

Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don’t want to take a break.

Ross: (on the phone) I’ve been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don’t, don’t you think we can work on this?

Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink?

Ross: Who’s that?

Rachel: Nobody.

Ross: Is that Mark?

Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to....

Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams down the phone)

[Scene: The Philly.]

Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you married? ‘Cause that’s okay.

[Cut to Chloe and Ross dancing, and their kiss.]

The Next Morning

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a fruit drink in the blender, Rachel has just finished her shower and is coming out of the bathroom.]

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: How’s the big anniversary dinner?

Rachel: Well, we never actually got to dinner.

Monica: Ohhh, nice.

Rachel: No, we kinda broke up instead.

Monica: What?! (She accidentally starts the blender without the lid on it and fruit flies everywhere.)

Rachel: (looking up at the ceiling) God, Monica it’s on the ceiling.

Monica: That’s okay, this is more important than fruit (pause) (angrily) on my ceiling! You broke up?!

Rachel: Yeah, but it’s okay, because when Ross left Mark came over.

Monica: Oh no!!

Rachel: No.

Monica: Rachel, you and Mark?!

Rachel: No, no-no, it’s okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work.

[Scene: Ross’s Bedroom, Ross is waking up. He straightens himself out on the bed and puts the covers over his head.]

Chloe: (entering from bathroom) Morning!

(Ross sits bolt upright, without moving the covers.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross’s Kitchen, Ross is taking some aspirin and checking his messages.]

Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi, it’s me. I’ve been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid.

Ross: Yeah!!

Rachel: Eh, I’m just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I don’t want to get back together over a machine.

Ross: Na-huh.

Rachel: So, I love you.

Ross: I love you.

Rachel: And y'know what, I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I’m gonna stop by around 8:30.

Ross: Okay. (Ross starts frantically looking for a clock.)

Rachel: Bye.

(Ross finds a clock, sees it’s almost 8:30, and silently screams.)

Ross: Chloe, Chloe how’s it coming?!!

Chloe: (entering from bedroom) Hey, what kind of puppy do you think I should get?

Ross: Umm, oh, hey, I don’t know. How about a big one?

Chloe: But my apartment is so...

Ross: Well then a small one!! Listen, let’s, we kinda have to get going!

Chloe: Wait! Where’s my shoes?

Ross: You, you sure you need shoes? (Chloe nods her head) Okay. (reaches down and picks up a shoe)

Chloe: Do I know why we’re rushing?

Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (He’s frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!

Chloe: That’s so great for you guys!

Ross: Yeah!

Chloe: You must be so happy!

Ross: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I’m feeling. Well.... (picks up her coat)

Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend.

Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!!

Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.

Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.

Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again?

Ross: Yes, you can, very much.

(Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.)

Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering carry a large box, Monica is mopping the ceiling.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?

Monica: Oh, there’s banana on it.

Phoebe: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine.

Monica: So then you know? (Phoebe nods her head)

Phoebe: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail.

Monica: Oh, good. Thanks.

Phoebe: Now what is Fabutec?

Monica: Okay, all right don’t judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing....

Phoebe: Waxine!!

Monica: Yes! Have you seen it?

Phoebe: Oh, it’s incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.

Monica: I know!!

Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesn’t hurt? ‘Cause how can they do that?

Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest!

Phoebe: They have the best stuff in there.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has told Chandler and Joey his terrible act.]

Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God!

Joey: Yeah. We figured when we couldn’t find you, you’d gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh?

Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, I’m in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel’s all like, ‘I love you and, and let’s work on this.’ And all I can think about is, ‘What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?’ when I tell her what I did.

Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you?

Ross: What?! Look, we’re trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other?

Joey: Look, Ross look, I’m on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff that’s gonna get you in trouble.

Chandler: He’s right. Nobody’s gonna benefit, and you’re just gonna hurt her.

Joey: Yeah, and there won’t be a relationship left to rebuild.

Ross: Yeah, but don’t you think....

Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing’s right. And that’s what deathbeds are for.

Ross: Yeah, okay. (he plops down into one of the leather chairs, with the footrest extended.)

Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn’t find out some other way. (spins the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did you think about the trail?

Ross: What trail?

Joey: (stomps on the footrest which pops Ross up into a sitting position) The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! (slapping his hands with each word) You always have to think about the trail!

Ross: Oh, I-I don’t think there’s any trail.

Chandler: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac’s sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe’s friends with Rachel. And that’s the trail, I did it!

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are waxing their legs.]

Phoebe: (reading from the instructions) After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one,

Monica: Did that!

Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its ‘easy grab tab’ and pull it off in one quick pain free motion.

Monica: Okay. (Does so.) Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh!

Phoebe: Was it not pain-free?

Monica: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax.

Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don’t seem to think it’s that bad.

Monica: That’s because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don’t believe me, please, by my guest.

Phoebe: (Removing one of the strips) Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!!

Monica: Now, are you glad we didn’t start with the bikini strips?

[Scene: The Xerox Place, Ross is trying to break the trail.]

Ross: (entering) Chloe? Hi..

Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch?

Ross: You took my watch?

Chloe: I’m sorry, I do that.

Ross: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us?

Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn’t really anybody’s business, y'know.

Ross: Exactly. So you didn’t, didn’t mention anything to Issac right?

Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything.

Ross: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven’t actually met...

Issac: You dog!

Ross: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a girlfriend.

Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place.

Ross: Yeah, that’s the one. Listen, I don’t want to hurt her.

Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn’t matter how much we love ‘em, monogamy is too cruel a rule.

Ross: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself?

Issac: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We’re the same, you and me.

Ross: Actually, no, we’re not.

Issac: Yeah, we are.

Ross: No, we’re not.

Issac: Yeah, we are.

Ross: No, we’re not!!

Issac: Okay, we’re not.

Ross: Right.

Issac: But, we are.

Ross: Fine. I just need to know that you’re not gonna tell your sister.

Issac: I can promise not to tell her again.

[Scene: Phoebe’s Work, Ross is now trying to stop Jasmine from telling Phoebe.]

Ross: (entering out of breath) Jasmine?

Jasmine: Uh-huh.

Ross: We met at Phoebe’s birthday party, I’m, I’m Ross Geller.

Jasmine: You did a bad thing!

Ross: Yes, I did.

Jasmine: Very bad!

Ross: Very bad.

Jasmine: Very, very bad.

Ross: I’m agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe yet?

Jasmine: No.

Ross: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don’t. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay?

Jasmine: All right.

Ross: Thank you, thank you.

Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too.

Ross: (angrily) Who’s your roommate?

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is wiping down the counter as Ross rushes in.]

Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.

Gunther: I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to?

(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica’s Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are removing the rest of their wax strips.]

Monica: Ow!

Phoebe: Oh!!

Monica: Ow!! Ow!!

Phoebe: Ow!!!

Monica and Phoebe: Ow!!!!!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow!

(Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush in. Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea kettle.)

Phoebe: We’re all right.

Monica: It’s okay, it’s okay.

Phoebe: We’re all right.

Monica: We were just waxing our legs.

Chandler: Off?!!

Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.

Chandler: Yeah, well I don’t think you can make that statement, unless you’ve been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.

Joey: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that’s all. I mean, come on, it’s just a little wax.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, come here. (Puts a little wax on Joey’s arm and puts a strip on it.)

Chandler: Oh, that’s mature.

Joey: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: That’s right.

(Joey laughs, pulls it off, then does a high-pitched whine.)

[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is trying to close the door on Ross.]

Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler slowly closes the door, and we hear Rachel from the living room.]

Rachel: I can’t talk to you. I can’t even look at you right now!

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing, nothing.

Monica: (going over to listen at the door) Rachel said everything was okay.

Phoebe: (to Joey) What, what are they talking about?

Ross: Rachel?

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Just get away from me!

Ross: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay?

Rachel: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Phoebe: Whe-where did he put it?!

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Ross, you had sex with another woman!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp.]

Monica: Oh my God.

Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.

Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk....

Monica: Oh!! (hits Chandler and Joey in the head) You guys knew about this and you didn’t tell us?!

Chandler: (to Joey) He has sex, and we get hit in our heads.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!

Ross: No!!

Rachel: Just get out! Now!!

Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this.

Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she?

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: What?

Rachel: Was she good?

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Don’t answer that.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it!! How was she?

Ross: She was...

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Awful! Horrible!

Chandler: She was not good. Not good.

Joey: She was nothing compared to you.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: She, she was different.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Ewwwww!

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Good different?

Ross: Nobody likes change.

(Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.)

Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Phoebe: Should we do something?

Chandler: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry. I wa-I was disgusted with myself, and this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible.

Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? (Ross can’t answer that) Oh my God. She was there? She was still there? She was in there, when I was in there?!

(Ross hands Rachel back the newspaper, and she starts beating him with it again.)

Ross: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant nothing to me!

Rachel: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!!

(She throws the paper at him, misses and hits Monica’s door, they all jump back at the sound.)

Ross: Look, I didn’t think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up.

Rachel: We were on a break!

Ross: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up.

Rachel: You think you’re gonna get out of this on a technicality?

Ross: Look, I’m not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dead!

Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Y'know what, I don’t think we should listen to this anymore. (Goes to open the door)

Monica: (stopping him) What, what are you doing? You can’t go out there.

Joey: Why not?! (to Chandler) I’m hungry.

Monica: Because they’ll know we’ve been listening.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!!

Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn’t happen!

Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I’m falling in love with you all over again.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about.

Joey: Yeah, we’ll be fine.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: (handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, we’re never leaving, ever.

[Later, Phoebe is on the phone, they’re all still trapped in Monica’s bedroom.]

Phoebe: Hi, it’s Phoebe. Listen someone’s gonna have to take my 9:00 with Mr. Rehack, ‘cause it’s like 9:15 now, and I’m not there.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Don’t you realise none of this would’ve ever happened if I didn’t think at that same moment you weren’t having sex with Mark?

Rachel: All right. Let’s say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?

Ross: (pause) Yes I would.

Rachel: You’d be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me?

Ross: (less sure) Yes.

Rachel: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were....

Ross: (covering his ears and screaming) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it’s, I mean it’s you.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

All: Ohhhhh!

[Later, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the kitchen.]

Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you’re thinking?

Rachel: I’m thinking, I’m gonna order a pizza.

Ross: Order a pizza like, ‘I forgive you?’

(She turns around and glares at him, he turns away.)

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. (makes like he is trying to send a telepathic message to Rachel) Put olives on the pizza.

Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It’s organic.

Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.

Phoebe: No, not the used wax.

Chandler: Because that would be crazy?

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I’m kinda hungry myself.

Rachel: Fine. (on phone) Hi! Yes, I’d like to order a large pizza.

Ross: No anchovies.

Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies.

Ross: That’s okay, I’ll just pick ‘em off.

Rachel: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce?

[Cut to later, they are finishing up the pizza, there’s one piece left.]

Ross: You can have the last piece, if you want.

Rachel: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, they’re all eating the wax, Chandler and Phoebe, don’t like it. Joey tries some and makes a face like: ‘Hey, that’s not so bad.’]

Phoebe: They’re gonna get through this, aren’t they?

Chandler: Yeah, come on, it’s Ross and Rachel, they’ve got too.

Monica: What if they don’t?

(Long pause.)

Joey: You think I need a new walk?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Well y'know, I’ve been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a ‘take notice’ walk.

Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

[Later, in the living room, Rachel is sitting on the couch, Ross is on the chair.]

Ross: What, now you’re not even taking to me? (moves over to the coffee table) Look Rachel, I-I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought I’d lost you, I didn’t know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don’t cheat right, I, that’s not me, I’m not Joey!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Whoa-ho-ho! (He looks at Chandler, who gives him a ‘come on’ look.) Yeah, okay.

Monica: Hey. It’s three in the morning. They don’t know that I’ve come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am.

Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Y'know what, y'know what, I’m-I’m not the one that wanted that, that break, okay. You’re the one that bailed on us. You’re the one that, that ran when things got just a little rough!

Rachel: That’s....

Ross: That’s what?!

Rachel: That is neither here nor there.

Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we’re in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? (sits down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge of tears) I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I’m sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. (We see Monica and Phoebe are almost in tears.) I just can’t see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much.

(He kisses her on her shoulder, then her neck, then the side of her face, then just before he kisses her on the lips....)

Rachel: No Ross!! (stands up and moves away from him) Don’t! You can’t just kiss me and think you’re gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t just make it better. Okay?

Ross: Okay, okay, okay.

Rachel: (softly) I think you should go.

Ross: What?

Rachel: (softly) I really think you need to go now.

Ross: (moving over to stand in front of her) Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn’t work past it together...

Rachel: Yeah, what the hell did I know!

Ross: Look, look, there’s got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I can’t imagine, I can’t imagine my life without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and....

Rachel: (crying) No. I can’t, you’re a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can’t stop picturing with her, I can’t, (Ross stands up and backs away) it doesn’t matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It’s just changed, everything. Forever.

[We see the rest of them are now crying.]

Ross: (crying) Yeah, but this can’t be it, I mean.

(Pause)

Rachel: Then how come it is?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica’s bedroom.]

Phoebe: They’ve been quiet for a long time.

Joey: Maybe she killed him?

Chandler: Let’s go.

[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is sleeping on the couch, Ross is gone, the rest of them can finally emerge from their cell. They all wave good bye, and start to walk quietly out, as Monica goes and puts a blanket on Rachel. Joey starts walking all hunched over and bobbing his shoulders as he goes.]

Chandler: (to Joey) Is that your new walk?

Joey: (whispering) No, I really have to pee.

End

The One Without The Ski Trip

Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch reading.]

Joey: Can I see the comics?

Chandler: This is the New York Times.

Joey: Okay, may I see the comics?

[Monica and Phoebe enter.]

Monica: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to the game?

Chandler: We are. He’s meeting us here.

Monica: No! Rachel is meeting us here.

Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same room.

Joey: Yeah, you shoulda been there last night.

Phoebe: Why? What happened now?

Joey: Well Ross was hangin’ out over at our place, Rachel comes over to borrow some moisturiser from Chandler....

Chandler: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came over to borrow something.

Joey: Anyway! Her and Ross just started yelling at each other.

Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? He’s the one who slept with someone else.

Joey: Well, I guess he says that because they were on a break when it happened, that she should of forgiven him by now.

Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I understand what he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes, okay, when, when, at first you’re really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.

Chandler: Y'know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn’t try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts.

Phoebe: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together, they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy....

Joey: I had the same dream!

Phoebe: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl.

Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.

Chandler: Y'know what maybe it’s gonna be okay, I mean it’s been a week.

Joey: Yeah, I mean it’s never taken me a week to get over a relationship.

Monica: It’s never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.

[Rachel enters.]

Monica: (seeing her) Okay, let’s go!! Let’s hit the road!!

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Let’s get the show on it!

Rachel: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee.

Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it’s sooo close.

Rachel: Closer than here?

Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey, look, I found coffee! (handing her the cup) Okay, let’s skedaddle.

Rachel: Wait, I’m not just gonna drink somebody’s old coffee.

Phoebe: Okay, your highness.

[Ross enters behind Rachel, and look at each other for a moment.]

Phoebe: (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um, Rachel I’m really sorry. (imitating Rachel) That’s okay, do you wanna get back together? (imitating Ross) Yeah, okay. (in her normal voice) Did anyone else hear that?!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the whole gang is there, except for Ross and Rachel. Joey is trying to eat Chinese with chopsticks and fails miserably. There’s a knock on the door, and Chandler answers it to reveal Rachel]

Rachel: (softly) Is he here?

Chandler: No.

Rachel: Oh. (smiles) Here’s your moisturiser. Hi!

Monica and Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday night, five tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me. (they’re all silent and look away) Okay, I said that out loud right?

Chandler: Yes, yes, it’s just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans with Ross.

Rachel: Oh, well okay. Well, there you go.

Phoebe: No, it’s just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he wants y'know, us to check it out.

Rachel: Hm-mm.

Chandler: Yeah, he’s really excited about it too, he even recorded show times on his answering machine.

Rachel: Ohh!

Monica: We’re sorry honey.

Rachel: Oh, it’s okay. (starts to leave)

Joey: Rach, it’s, it’s ah, it’s not that we don’t want to, really. (quietly) Are we talking models in their underwear?

Rachel: And heels.

Joey: (He turns around to Chandler looking for approval to go with Rachel, Chandler mouths ‘Come on!’) (turning back to Rachel) Ross, did ask us first, and we set that night aside.

Rachel: No, hey, come on, if he asked you first, that’s only fair. (leaves)

[Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and heads into the living room.]

Phoebe: Ohhh boy, do I feel bad.

Joey: Oh yeah.

Monica: Very bad.

[We see Chandler lighting up a cigarette.]

Phoebe: Chandler what are you doing?!

Monica: Chandler!!

Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!

Joey: You’re smoking again?!

Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I’m, I’m smoking still.

Phoebe: Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?

Chandler: Look, I’m telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place.

Monica: Weren’t you nine?!

Chandler: Yeahhh. I’m tellin’ ya something, that ah, first smoke after nap time....

[There’s a knock on the door.]

Chandler: Oh that’s great, with my luck, that’s gonna be him.

Phoebe: Him? Him, Ross?

Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. (answers the door and it’s Rachel again.)

Rachel: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I have my sister on hold, and she said that we could use her cabin for the weekend and go skiing. Huh? I’m asking you first, right?!. I mean I’m playing by the rules.

All: Absolutely, yeah!

Rachel: Chandler! You’re smoking? What are you doing?!

Chandler: Hey, shut up!! You’re not my real Mom!!

[Scene: Ross’s, the gang, minus Rachel of course, is there. Chandler is forced to smoke by an open window.]

Joey: (obviously cold) Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over here!

Phoebe: Wait. Really?! ‘Cause mine get me out of tickets.

Ross: Look, you guys I just wanna say, I really, really appreciate you spending this time with me. It’s been a pretty hard time right now, so I just wanna say thanks.

Chandler: Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window.

Ross: Oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend we have a laser disc marathon okay, and maybe a tournament on my new dart board? Huh, huh, what do you think? (in an Irish accent) Two days of darts, it’ll be great!

Joey: It’ll be great for next weekend.

Ross: No, no, no, this weekend guys!

Joey: It’ll be great for next weekend. I mean, (in an Irish accent) it’ll be grrreat.

Ross: What’s going on?

Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachel’s sister’s cabin. (Chandler goes back to the window to smoke again.)

Ross: So, for the whole weekend?

Monica: We’re really sorry, but um, she did ask us first.

Ross: Yeah, that’s okay, I mean if you guys all have to go away for the first weekend I’m alone by myself, y'know then I totally, totally understand.

Phoebe: Y'know what, I can stay, I’m gonna stay. ‘Cause the last time I went skiing I was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, I just went around and around.

Joey: Uh, Pheebs we kinda need you to drive us all up there in your grandmother’s cab, but y'know what, I’ll stay.

Monica: Noo! I’ll stay. He’s my brother.

Ross: What a pity stay?

Monica: No! We’re gonna have fun. We can make fudge!

Ross: Pity food? Y'know what that’s okay, all right, I don’t need any of you to stay, okay nobody stays.

Chandler: Well, then, I might as well offer to stay.

[Scene: In Phoebe’s Grandmother’s cab, driving up to the cabin. Phoebe’s driving, Rachel’s sitting shotgun, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are in the back seat.]

Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Hey, does anybody else feel bad about Ross?

Monica: Why? Do you think he’s still mad at us?

Chandler: (to Joey) Well he’s probably mad after you called him this morning to borrow his goggles.

Joey: What? Mine aren’t tinted.

[Chandler starts to light a cigarette.]

Phoebe: Chandler!!

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: What does the sign say?

Chandler: Beam me up Jesus.

Phoebe: No, the ‘No Smoking’ sign. There’s no smoking in my Grandmother’s cab.

Chandler: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom.

All: Oh!

Phoebe: Please!

Monica: No Chandler no! No unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop for gas.

Chandler: Oh, come on, there’s a rest stop right up there! Come on, I really have to goooooooooo.

Joey: Oh, now I have to go!!

[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe’s pulling in.]

Chandler: Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves.

Monica: What?

[Both Chandler and Joey put their feet up against the glass, Monica doesn’t and gets thrown up against the glass.]

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Ow!

[Joey gets out and sprints to the bathroom and Chandler follows with a cigarette in his hands.]

Phoebe: (to Rachel, who’s staying in the cab.) Aren’t you gonna go?

Rachel: No. Thank you.

Monica: (getting out) No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms.

Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is ‘no tissue, no tuschy.’ (Phoebe laughs and gets out.) Well, if everybody’s going. (She gets out and starts to close the door.)

Phoebe: No, y'know what don’t close it (Rachel slams the door shut locking themselves out.) ‘cause the... keys...are in there.

Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!!

Joey: What’s going on?

Chandler: (to Joey) My lighter’s in there! (points to the cab)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The rest stop, the gang is still stuck, Chandler is kneeling at the rear bumper.]

Chandler: Damn! (stands up) The tailpipe’s not hot enough to light this!

Joey: Relax okay, I-I-I can get this open. Anybody have a coat hanger?

Chandler: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.

Monica: So, if you’re parents hadn’t got divorced, you’d be able to answer a question like a normal person?

Joey: Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it. Oh hey, one of you guys give me the underwire from your bra!

Monica: What?!

Rachel: What?!

Joey: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs?

Monica: Please!!

Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire.

The Girls: No, not getting my bra!

Joey: If you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call.

Phoebe: Okay, Monica’s are the biggest.

Monica: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it’s gotta be Rachel.

Rachel: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra.

Monica: All right then, your bra would still be big.

Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.

Chandler: Ladies, ladies, let’s just compromise okay? Phoebe, Rachel take off Monica’s bra.

Phoebe: All right, forget it, nevermind, you can have mine.

[Chandler crumples up his cigarette pack and throws it on the ground.]

Rachel: (seeing him) Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash can right there.

Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us.

Phoebe: (finishing removing her bra) Okay, there.

Joey: Thank you Phoebe, that is very, very generous.

Chandler: Okay, now let’s decide who has the nicest ass.

Joey: (opening the door) And there you go!

All: Oh, yeahhhhh!!!

[They all run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls out a smoke.]

Monica: Chandler!!

Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part.

[Phoebe puts the car in gear and starts to back out.]

Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.) Oh, no!

Rachel: What, what’s it, what’s going on?

Phoebe: Yeah, this has happened before.

Rachel: So you know how to fix it?

Phoebe: Yep. Put more gas in.

[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for Susan as there is a knock on the door.]

Carol: (answering the door) Hi!

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Carol: Hey, what are you doing here?

Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up, did you get the tape that was half the last episode of M*A*S*H and half the hostages coming home?

Carol: Ah yeah, but now it’s Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home.

Ross: Where’s Ben?

Carol: He’s sleeping.

Ross: Ahh. (notices the table) Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time?

Carol: Umm, yeah, actually, Susan’s gonna be home any minute, it’s kinda an anniversary.

Ross: Oh! I thought you guys got married in uh, January?

Carol: It’s not that kind of anniversary.

Ross: Ah! (realises) Oh.

Carol: Sooo!! Anyway...

Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great. ‘Cause you know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I broke up.

Carol: Oh God, Ross I am so sorry.

Ross: Yeah, well.

Carol: Y'know what, I want to talk to you about this so much, but we should probably do it when we could really get into it, are you free for dinner tomorrow night?

Ross: Oh yeah, I’d love that.

Carol: Oh, great! Me too.

Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. (he sits down at the table.)

[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone to the motor club.]

Phoebe: Okay, yeah. (to Monica and Rachel) Triple A can pick us up.

Rachel: Great!

Phoebe: Yeah, what town are we near?

Monica: Freemont. West-Westmont, ah Westburg?

Phoebe: (to Monica) Then why are you answering? Do you at least know what route we’re on?

Rachel: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27.

Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. (to Rachel) There is no Route 27. (listens) (to Rachel) Okay, either 93 or 76?

Rachel: I don’t know, I’m sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here.

Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Hey, can you send somebody up and down 76 and check every rest stop, and, and also 93? (listens) Okay! (hangs up) Yeah, no they don’t do that.

Rachel: Ugh, okay, well somebody will come and save us.

Monica: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a car and come pick us up.

Rachel: No! No, I am not getting in a car with Ross, we will just have to live here!

Phoebe: But if...

Rachel: No you guys, I am not getting in a car with him, you’ll have to think of something else.

Phoebe: Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are back.

[Joey walks up helping Chandler.]

Monica: So the going for help went well?

Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed.

Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light another cigarette.)

Monica: Then why are you smoking?

Chandler: Well it’s very unsettling.

[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Ross is eating the dinner Carol made for Susan.]

Ross: ....right? Right? I mean it’s pretty unbelievable y'know, I mean they just took off, took off without even looking back. Y'know I don’t, I don’t need them, huh, I’ve got you guys now as friends, you and Susan.

Carol: Ah, Susan will be so pleased.

[Ross’s beeper goes off.]

Ross: (looking at the page) 717? (to Carol) Where’s 717? (He gets up to return the page, Carol starts to take the last of the food into the kitchen, but Ross grabs the last piece.) Hey, you’ve have more of these for Susan right?

Carol: No. But it’s okay, I’ll just put out pickles or something.

[Cut to the rest stop, Monica and Phoebe are waiting anxiously by the phone as it rings.]

Phoebe: (answering the phone) (whispering) Ross, thank God.

Ross: Pheebs? What, why are you whispering?

Phoebe: I ate a bug.

[Rachel starts to walk up.]

Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach, the tampons here are only a penny. Let’s stock up. (takes her into the bathroom)

Phoebe: Listen Ross, we ran out of gas, and we don’t know where we are, so we can’t get a tow truck.

Ross: Oh, now you want a favour?

Phoebe: Yes, please.

Ross: Well, oh, I’m sorry your car broke down Pheebs, but I’m a little too busy with some of my real friends right now, but please call to let me know you got home safely okay?

Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone) Phoebe, hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my car, go pick up your friends.

Ross: No, I’m not gonna pick them up.

Carol: Listen, we both know you’re gonna do it ‘cause you’re not a jerk. Okay? So you can either sulk here for a half hour and then go pick them up, or save us both time and sulk in the car.

Ross: No, Rachel doesn’t want me to....

Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you ‘cause she fell in love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but don’t punish your friends for what Rachel did to you.

Ross: Yeah, you’re right.

Carol: (on phone) Phoebe hang on a second Ross wants to say something. (listens) What? (listens) (to Ross) You slept with someone else?!

Ross: We were on a break!!! Okay!! (grabs the phone) We were, we were..., (calms down) yeah. Where are you? I’ll find you. (hangs up)

Carol: You slept with another woman?

Ross: Oh, you-you’re-you’re one to talk.

[Scene: The rest stop, Joey is making a sign.]

Joey: Okay, done.

Monica: (reading the sign) What’s ‘pleh’?

Joey: That’s ‘help’ spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air!

Monica: Huh. What’s doofus spelled backwards?

[Ross drives up.]

Rachel: (all excited) Op, op, car! Car!! (sees it’s Ross) Ugh!!!

Phoebe: Oh, it’s Ross on one of his drives!

Chandler and Joey: Hey!!

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel: What is he doing here?!

Ross: He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course I’m stepping on some toes here, in which case I can just mosey on, I’ve got plenty of people to help on the Interstate.

All: No! Come on!

Rachel: All right!! Fine! Fine.

[Ross grabs the gas can he brought along, and walks through Joey’s sign destroying it.]

Joey: Arrrghh!!

Chandler: Oh no, now it’s not gonna make any sense!

Phoebe: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys, what, what do we do about Ross who drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like send him back and we’re then gonna go skiing?

Chandler: Oh, this is horrible, it’s just horrible.

Joey: Guys, do you think we should ask Ross to come along?

Monica: I know, what about Rachel? I mean how are we even gonna ask her?

Rachel: Ask me what?

Monica: Umm, if ah, it might be okay if Ross came skiing?

Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey: No, I wasn’t gonna ask you that, no.

Rachel: You guys are unbelievable. No! He cannot come.

Ross: Excuse me?

Chandler: It’s horrible.

Ross: (sarcastic) Oh please, can’t I come to your special, magical cabin?

Rachel: Why would you even want to come Ross? You’re a horrible skier.

Ross: Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts, my ski skills.

Monica: Here we go again.

Joey: I-I can’t handle this, you guys.

Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handle’s my middle name. Actually it’s the ah, middle part of my first name.

Ross: All right Pheebs, your cab’s ready.

Rachel: All right, let’s go!

Ross: You’re welcome.

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else?

Ross: We were on a break!

Rachel: Y'know Ross why don’t you put that on your answering machine!

Ross: Hey-hey, it’s valid okay? And I’m not the only one who thinks so, Monica agrees with me.

Rachel: (to Monica) What?!

Monica: (shyly) I don’t know.

Ross: That’s what you said last night.

Monica: What I said was, was that I understood. Joey’s the one who agreed with you!

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: Really Joey?

Joey: (pause) What?

Phoebe: Y'know what, but there is, there is no right or wrong, here.

Rachel: No, I think it’s very obvious who’s wrong here.

Ross: Obviously not to Joey.

[They all turn around and look at Joey.]

Joey: (pause) What?

[They all start fighting with each other.]

Ross: (to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I do. No-no-no-no.

Chandler: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts dancing around in an effort to stop the fighting.)

[They stop briefly to look at Chandler, but then start fighting again.]

Phoebe: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! (they all stop fighting, Chandler continues to dance.) Look what you’re doing to Chandler!! (Chandler finally stops) (to Ross and Rachel) Yeah, look, we know this is really, really hard for you guys. Okay? (Ross starts to leave) You don’t, all right you don’t have to love each other, okay? You don’t, you don’t even have to like each other much right now. But please, you have to figure out a way to be around each other.

Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle.

Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, I mean that’s, that’s, that’s just it for us hanging out together. Y'know is that what you want? (they both look away) Can you be civil?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: I can.

Phoebe: Okay. Good, all right, let’s get back in the car, ‘cause it’s freezing, and my chest is unsupported.

Joey: Oh what, wait, wait a second, I mean, what are we doing? Who’s going with who?

Ross: Look, you guys, you guys should go. (Joey tries to say something, but Ross cuts him off.) No, I’m, you, you planned this all out, and I don’t want to ruin it, so you guys should just go.

Joey: Come on man, you drove all the way up here.

Ross: No, no, really, I’ve got to take the car back anyway, I’m spending all day tomorrow with Ben, It’s fine, no guilt I promise.

Rachel: Thank you.

Monica: All right, we’ll call you when we get back.

Ross: Okay.

Phoebe: Maybe we can like go to a movie or something.

Ross: Okay.

Phoebe: Or, or the rodeo!!

Ross: That would be great.

Phoebe: Okay!

Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.

Ross: I know!

[They all get in the cab and drive away.]

Phoebe: Bye!!!

[Ross tries to start the truck, and discovers the battery’s dead.]

Closing Credits

[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Carol is running to answer the door.]

Carol: (looking through the peephole) Ugh. (opening the door) Ross!

Ross: (entering) Hi! Sorry I’m late. Were you sleeping?

Carol: Ahh, nooo!!

Ross: Oh, great! Listen, oh I had to get you a whole new battery. I got you the best one I could, ‘cause that’s not where you want to skimp.

Carol: You’re a genius, Ross.

Ross: Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what the hell, just call it an even 110?

Carol: Okay, I’ll pay you tomorrow. (pushes him out the door)

Ross: Okay.

Carol: Okay, bye!!

Ross: So they ah, they all took off, it was pretty hard watching them go, y'know?

Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. (closes the door, turns out the lights, and runs back to the bedroom)

Ross: (outside the door) So I’m gonna take off then!

End

The One With The Hypnosis Tape

Written by: Seth Kurland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, all but Chandler are there, Joey laughs for no apparent reason.]

Monica: (to Joey) What’s so funny?

Joey: Oh, nothing, no. It’s an acting exercise, I’m practising my fake laugh.

Monica: Oh. (she laughs)

Joey: What-what’s so funny?

(Chandler enters with a cigarette.)

Gunther: (to Chandler) Oh, no-no, no-no-no, there’s none of that in here.

Chandler: Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one.

Gunther: Okay, but only if you give me a drag.

Chandler: Okay.

(Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he takes a long drag.)

Gunther: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit. (hands Chandler back the cigarette.)

Chandler: No-no, why don’t you hang on to that one.

(He goes and sits down next to Rachel and puts a cigarette in his mouth, which Rachel takes away from him. He puts another cigarette in his mouth, and Rachel takes it away again.)

Chandler: Okay, that’s like the least fun game ever.

Rachel: Well, I’m really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit. (hands him an audio cassette)

Chandler: Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop smoking patch, and it falls off.) Nope, that patch is no good. (Joey and Monica both do their fake laughs.)

Rachel: Come on, it’s a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn’t smoked since.

Ross: Pffhah.

Rachel: (to Ross) What’s your problem?

Ross: Nothing, it’s just that hypnosis is beyond crap.

Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City.

Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay.

Rachel: Oh right, ‘cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks.

Phoebe: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.

Chandler: Or what my Father called Thursday night.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Ross is handing Rachel a cup of coffee.]

Ross: Here you go.

Rachel: Oh, y'know what, I didn’t want cinnamon on this.

Ross: Sorry. (To remedy that, Ross scoops the cinnamon off of the top with his hand.)

Frank: (entering) Hi!

Phoebe: Oh my God!!

Frank: Hi!

Phoebe: Frank! Hi!

Frank: How are you?

Phoebe: What are you doing here?

Frank: Oh, well y'know, I would’ve called but I lost your phone number and then ah, my Mom locked me out of the house so I couldn’t find it. And then, I tried to find a pay phone, and ah, the receiver was cut off. So...

Phoebe: What happened?

Frank: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism.

Phoebe: But, also, what happened between you and your Mom?

Frank: Well, we got into a fight ‘cause ah, she said I was to immature to get married.

Phoebe: Your getting married?!

Frank: Oh, yeah!

All: Wow!

Phoebe: My little brother’s getting married!!

Frank: Oh, I knew you’d be so cool about this. All right, ah, hey, do you want to meet her?

Phoebe: Do I?

Frank: Do you?

Phoebe: Yeah, I do, yeah.

Frank: Okay, cool, all right, she just ah, parking the truck. (to Joey) I’m gonna, I’m gonna get my ah, my fiancée man!

Chandler: Y'know, I would’ve bet good money that he’d be the first one of us to get married.

Phoebe: Yeah, isn’t it fantastic?

Monica: Yeah, ah, but Pheebs don’t you think he’s a little young to get married?

Phoebe: What, he’s 18.

Ross: Exactly, it’ll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.

Joey: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker.

Chandler: Always illegal Joe.

Frank: (entering with his fiancée Alice, who is obviously much, much older than he is) Hey! Hey! This is ah, my fiancée, Mrs. Knight. (he points out Phoebe to her)

Alice: Y'know it-it’s funny, um, Frank told me so much about you, but your not how I pictured you at all.

Phoebe: Yeah, I’m a big surprise.

(Ross lets them both sit in his chair.)

Monica: So, um, how-how did you guys meet?

Frank: Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight’s ah, I mean Alice, sorry, Alice, I always do that. I was in her ah, Home Ec class.

Alice: And he was my best student.

Frank: Yeah, she was my best teacher.

Alice: Ohhh. (They embrace in a very passionate kiss.)

Chandler: If that doesn’t keep kids in school, what will?

Ross: And so now you guys are gonna be married?

Alice: Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just living together, but um, we want to have kids right away.

(Both Chandler and Phoebe have shocked looks on their faces.)

Rachel: Oh my God!! Great!

Phoebe: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure you’re ready for that?

Frank: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean, y'know, babies, y'know who doesn’t want babies right? And besides y'know, I never had a Dad around, and ah, now-now I always will, ‘cause y'know, it’ll be me. Right?

Alice: Y'know, I mean, really we do realise that there’s an age difference between us.

Phoebe: Oh good! Okay. ‘Cause you were acting like you didn’t.

Alice: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what does age matter?

(They both growl and hiss at each other and then kiss passionately again.)

[Scene: Chandler’s bedroom, Chandler is listening to the hypnosis tape.]

Hypnosis Tape: You are falling fast asleep. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. You are now completely asleep. You don’t need to smoke. Cigarettes don’t control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman.

[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Monica is working, Rachel is having lunch.]

Monica: And y'know what, I just realised, in the last year I’ve only gone out with two guys, Richard and Julio. You gotta help me out here, you gotta set me up, you gotta get me back in the game.

Rachel: Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. I mean I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible straight men.

Monica: (to a customer) Pete, can I get you something else?

Pete: Yeah, a slice of cheesecake and-and a date if you’re given’ ‘em out.

Monica: Haven’t you and I covered that topic?

Pete: Hmm, come on, you just said to her that you….

Monica: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.

Pete: Well, if that were true, I’d dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on, you think she should go out with me, don’t you?

Rachel: (laughs) Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? I mean that ain’t a pretty picture in the morning, y’know what I mean. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the night stand, y'know.

Monica: I mean really, think about it.

Pete: Ho-ho, I will.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are being lectured by Phoebe.]

Phoebe: No, I know, I know, that this is Frank’s life, (walks behind them, they turn around in the leather chairs to face her) y'know. Y'know, I don’t want to be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick, it’s sick and wrong!

Ross: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing?

Phoebe: No-no, oh, I’m fine with the age thing y'know, until it starts sticking it’s tongue down my little brother’s throat!

Joey: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.

Phoebe: But, I mean, do you think he’s gonna enjoy it when he’s up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! This is not fair to Frank, (she walks behind them again, and hey again turn to follow her) and it-it’s not fair to the babies, and y'know what, it’s not good home economics.

Joey: Well, have-have you told him how you feel?

Phoebe: Yes. Not out loud.

Ross: Pheebs, if you don’t tell him, soon he’s gonna be married, and then you’re gonna hate yourself.

Phoebe: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he’s gonna hate myself. I mean look at him and his Mom, I can’t. (pause) But, you guys can, please you gotta talk him out of it.

Ross and Joey: No-no-no-no-no. (They start to turn away, but Phoebe stops them, and turns them back to face her.)

Phoebe: Come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, I have everything to lose. Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?!

Ross and Joey: No.

Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna go get Frank. (exits)

Joey: So, we’re walking down the street and I turn to you and I say, “Hey, let’s go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes,” remember? And then, and then, you turn to me and say, “Nah, let’s just hang out at your place.” Well, that was a nice move dumb ass.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are entering.]

Rachel: I think you should definitely go out with this guy.

Monica: Nah, he doesn’t do anything for me.

Rachel: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on Walker: Texas Ranger?

Monica: Well, umm, Walker was looking for this big bus load of kids…. (realises) All right, I get your point.

Rachel: All right.

Chandler: (entering, carrying a briefcase) Hi.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick?

Monica: Uh, yeah.

Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya?

Chandler: Y'know what, pretty good.

Rachel: Yeah?

Chandler: Good! I haven’t smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse.

Rachel: Thank you.

Monica: Here you go.

Chandler: Thanks

Rachel: Hey Mon, let’s give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable.

Chandler: What check thing?

Monica: As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip. His number is on the check, he just did so I’d call him.

Chandler: (reading the check) Pete Becker. Pete… (quickly grabs a magazine and opens it up to show her a picture) (pointing to the picture) Is this him?

Monica: That’s Bill Clinton.

Chandler: Who’s he huggin’?

Monica: Oh my God! That’s Pete! But why is Bill huggin’ Pete?

Chandler: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program!

Rachel: We use it!!

Chandler: There you go!!

Rachel: Oh my God, Monica’s gonna go out with a millionaire.

Monica: I’m not gonna go out with him.

Rachel: Oh my God, I can’t believe this is a real $20,000 check, oh this is just so exciting.

Monica: Or incredibly offensive.

Rachel: Oh yeah, sure, that too.

(Chandler is putting on the Chap Stick the same way that women put on lipstick, including the bit with the piece of tissue.)

Chandler: (to the girls who are staring at him) What?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are talking to Frank.]

Ross: All we’re saying is don’t rush into anything.

Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. You’re 18, okay, she’s 44, when you’re 36, she’s gonna be 88.

Frank: What, you don’t think I know that?

Joey: Look, the point is, there’s a lot of women out there you haven’t even had sex with yet!

Ross: Yeah, he-he’s right, he’s right. This is your time y'know, yeah, you’re young, you’re-you’re weird, chicks dig that.

Frank: Okay, but isn’t sex better when it’s with one person that you really, really care about.

Joey: Yeah, in a poem maybe.

Ross: No the man’s right, that’s what I had with Rachel.

Frank: You don’t have it anymore?

Ross: No, I ah, I slept with someone else.

Frank: Okay, so wait, all right, so how does that make things better?

Ross: It didn’t.

Frank: Okay, so what you used to have with Rachel, is what I’ve got with Alice.

Joey: Now, wh-what, what is that like?

Frank: It’s so cool man, it’s so, it’s just ‘cause being with her is so much better than like not being with her.

Ross: Yeah, yeah.

Joey: (to Ross) Why can’t I find that?

Ross: Don’t ask me, I had it and I blew it!

Joey: Well, I want it!

Frank: You can have it!

Joey: I don’t know, maybe I can’t. I mean, maybe there’s something wrong with me.

Ross: Oh, no! No!

Frank: It’s out there man! I’ve seen it! I got it!!

Joey: Then you hold on to it!!

Frank: All right, man!!

Joey: All right, congratulations you lucky bastard! (hugs him)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s after Ross and Joey’s talk with Frank, and Phoebe’s is finding out what happened.]

Phoebe: (to Joey) You’re Frank’s best man?!

Joey: I couldn’t help it, there love is so pure.

Phoebe: Well then, (to Ross) what about you?! Huh?!

Ross: I’m the ring bearer.

(As Phoebe stands there in shock and disbelief, Chandler comes out of the bathroom and walks to his bedroom. He’s just got out of the shower and has the towel wrapped around himself high across his chest, and another towel wrapped around his head, like women wear towels. Joey watches Chandler wondering what the hell he’s doing.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Phoebe’s, Phoebe is opening the door.]

Phoebe: Hi! Oh, Alice, hi! Thanks. I’m so glad you could come, ‘cause I’ve got a real umm, Home Ec emergency. (Points to the table cloth, which has a huge mustard stain on it.)

Alice: Oh my God, who died on this?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It’s a real mustard-tastrophe. Can you help me?

Alice: Absolutely. Okay, first we’ll start with a little club soda and salt, and then if that doesn’t work we can go back to…

Phoebe: Y'know what, forget it. It’s ruined.

Alice: Oh no-no, never say that. If we can’t get it out then we can cut around the stain, add a little lace, you make a stylish throw.

Phoebe: Or instead, maybe you could just not marry my brother Frank.

[Scene: Pete’s office, he is participating in a conference call with three other employees, each of whom are on a different TV screen that he controls with a remote.]

Pete: Okay, that’s great, but can we make it smaller? Can we make it fit on the head of a pin? I love when we make things fit on the head of a pin.

All: Got it. Yeah all right. Yeah, okay.

(The intercom buzzes.)

Secretary: You have a Miss Monica Geller here.

Pete: Uh, absolutely, yeah, sEnd her in. (Monica enters) Hi.

Monica: What the hell is this? (holding up the check)

Pete: Hang on a second. (to the employees) I’ll-I’ll talk to you in the morning. (turns two of the three off) I’m sorry what?

Monica: Seriously, what is this supposed to mean?

Pete: Well, y’know, I never know how much to tip.

Monica: You’re supposed to double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania. I mean, what’s-what’s the deal? Are you, are you trying to buy me? Is this the way you get girls to go out with you?

Employee: Umm, I’m still here.

Pete: (turns off the TV) You’re taking this all wrong. Because, if I didn’t leave you that tip, you wouldn’t of come down here, we wouldn’t be having this argument, and there wouldn’t be this ah, heat between us.

Monica: What?!

Pete: Come on, you gotta admit that our relationship is ah, is hitting a new level now. ‘Cause you used to be like the chef, and I was the customer, and now we’re like this-this couple that fights.

Monica: Okay, umm, you’re a loon.

Pete: Look, forget the check, okay. (rips up the check) I like you. I think you’re great. Come on, what do you say?

Monica: I don’t know.

Pete: Why not?

Monica: ‘Cause I don’t want to encourage this kind of behaviour.

Pete: One meal! That’s all I’m asking for. Please? We go out, we eat, and if you don’t have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call it even.

[Scene: Phoebe’s, she is coming home. She turns on the lights, and sits down on the couch.]

Frank: (hiding under a pile of clothes) Hi. (She jumps up screaming.) Wait, no! Just put the mail down. It’s-it’s me!

Phoebe: Okay. Whoa, sorry. Why were you just like all in the dark?

Frank: Oh well, um, your, your laundry just smelled so good, that I thought I’d curl up in it. Is that all right?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. So, how was your day?

Frank: Oh, well just probably the worst one since I’ve been alive.

Phoebe: What umm, what happened?

Frank: Umm, Alice ah, she ah, called it off.

Phoebe: Oh no. Did umm, did she say why?

Frank: Uh, no, not really, just that I was too young, y'know, but I don’t see how I could all of the sudden be too young, ‘cause I’m older than I was when we first got together.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, no, I don’t, I don’t know. But, y'know what, maybe it’s just all for the best?

Frank: Yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain!

Phoebe: Oh, sweetie, oh. (hugs him)

Frank: Y'know, I just was finally happy y'know. For the first time in my life! After my Dad left me, and then, and then getting arrested for stealing those birds, and then, and then the whole punctured lung thing! I can, it’s still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice all that stuff kinda went away. And now it’s, and now it’s gone and I don’t know why!

Phoebe: Uh, well I can tell you why. It’s, it’s because of me. But, y'know what, I only did it because I love you. Okay?

Frank: What?

Phoebe: Umm, well I, I kinda had a little chat with Alice, and I sort of made her see why you two shouldn’t be together, y'know. And you’re gonna see it to, one day, you really, really will.

Frank: Wait a minute, wait, this is because of you?

Phoebe: Okay.

Frank: Well, you, wait no, my Mother didn’t want us to be together, but the worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch.

Phoebe: Okay, but.

Frank: Wait, y'know what, I-I came to you because I thought you’d understand! Oh no!! Y'know, I would storm out of here right now if-if I had some money, or a place to go…

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Monica ready for her date. The guys are also there. The door buzzes.]

Rachel: Oh my God! The millionaire’s here!

Chandler: (in a feminine way) Oh my God! (and he jumps all around)

Monica: Guys, please, I’m just gonna have dinner with him. Okay?

Chandler: Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner, does not mean you owe him anything.

Monica: I know!!

Chandler: Okay, then get the lobster!

Monica: (opening the door) (to Pete) Hey!

Pete: Hi.

Rachel: Hi!!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hi!

(They’re all staring at him, with big, huge smiles on their faces.)

Joey: Hey, how much cash do you got in your pocket right now?

Monica: And that’s why, I’m not inviting you in for a drink. (starts to leave) Bye.

All: Oh-no-no-no-no….

Rachel: Just one drink?!

Monica: (in the hallway) So, where do you want to go?

Pete: Hey, you like pizza?

Monica: Oh, that’s sounds great.

Pete: I know a great little place.

[Cut to a shot of the coliseum in Rome, Italy.]

[Scene: A restaurant in Rome, Monica is paying for the pizza.]

Pete: You’re, hey, you’re not paying for the pizza!

Monica: Oh come on, it’s only fair, you paid for the flight. Now is, is that enough lire?

Pete: Ahh, I’d throw another thousand on that.

Monica: Why, how much is that?

Pete: That’s about 60 cents.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s the middle of the night. Joey is walking into the living room, and runs into the entertainment centre.]

Joey: Every night!!

(He starts to walk to the bathroom and hears the hypnosis tape from Chandler’s bedroom.)

Hypnosis Tape: You do not need to smoke. Cigarettes don’t control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. (Joey walks out smiling to himself.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s, Frank is watching TV, and he’s very depressed as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey, Frank. Look, okay, I know that you think I did like this totally evil thing, but I so didn’t. There’s someone here who can explain this better than I can.

Alice: Hi Frank.

Frank: Hi, Mrs. Knight.

Alice: Phoebe’s right Frank. I know it’s hard to hear, but it would’ve been wrong to go through with it. I-I-I was being selfish, even though we, we want the same things now, in the future we may not. (to Phoebe) Is that it, is that what it is?

Phoebe: Yeah, but not just that.

Alice: Right, not just that. Umm, even though we love each other as much as we do, none the less…

Phoebe: None the less.

Alice: None the less. Umm, you’re too young to, to really know what you want. (They embrace in a passionate kiss.)

Phoebe: That’s right, exactly. (sees them) All right, it’s a good bye kiss, that’s good. (Frank picks Alice up and they move to the couch) Bye-bye. (They both lie down on the couch and start to make out.) Okay, no, the important thing is that you see what I’m saying, y'know, just y'know, this is clearly wrong. (They ignore her) Okay, I’ve decided I’m gonna let this happen! Okay, can I just get my purse? (She reaches in and Alice moans) Okay, all right, good. (leaves).

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler’s bedroom, he’s listening to the hypnosis tape again.]

Hypnosis Tape: Cigarette’s don’t control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke.

Joey: (He’s recorded his voice on the tape) Joey’s your best friEnd. You want to make him a cheese sandwich everyday. (he laughs) And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.

(Chandler wakes up and stares at the tape.)

End

The One With The Tiny T-shirt

Written by: Adam Chase

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is pouring Rachel coffee.]

Gunther: Here you go.

Rachel: Thank you.

Gunther: (In his head) Say Rachel, I was wondering if you’d like to go to a movie with me sometime. As my lover! Nnnsch, to out there. Maybe you’d just like to ah, get something to eat with me sometime? As my lover.

Mark: (entering) Hi!

Rachel: Hi! All right, let’s go shoppin’!!

Mark: Um, y'know, before we go ah, there’s something I need to say.

Rachel: Oh, okay.

Mark: I’ve kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. (Rachel is shocked) But since you were with Ross, I-I didn’t do anything about it. But, now that you’re not, I’d really like to ask you out sometime. So-so that’s-that’s what I’m doing, now.

(Gunther gets this hurt expression on his face and goes into the back room)

Rachel: Wow! Umm....

(She’s interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of braking dishes. Followed quickly by another crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room, as Gunther emerges.)

Gunther: I dropped a cup.

Opening Credits

[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from their date.]

Pete: ...so y'know, that’s why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so you could be like-like, ‘Wash my car.’ ‘Clean my room.’ It’s not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it’ll understand what you’re saying.

Monica: Oh, this is so great.

Pete: Yeah, it was.

Monica: All right then. (He leans in to kiss her goodnight, but she quickly kisses him on the cheek and pats his shoulder.) Bye.

(She goes into her apartment and sees Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.)

Monica: Hello, people who do not live here.

All: Hi! Hello!

Monica: I gave you a key for emergencies!

Phoebe: We were out of Doritos.

Ross: Hey, how’d the date go with Mr. Millionaire?

Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately.

Monica: He’s great! I mean we have such a good time together! He’s so funny, and sooo sweet, and I’m not attracted to him at all!!

Ross: Still?!

Monica: Noo!! It’s driving me crazy. I mean every other way he’s like the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything.

Chandler: Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image?

Monica: Two.

Chandler: Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight?

Joey: (entering, dancing and singing) Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! (He dances around the dinner table and exits)

Ross: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.

Monica and Phoebe: Oh.

Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.

[Scene: A Theatre, Joey is arriving to rehearse the play he’s in.]

The Director: Joe. How’s it going?

Joey: Good. (He sets his stuff down and starts talking to Kate, another cast member.) Hey.

Kate: Hi.

Joey: Oh, so you’re playing Adrienne, huh?

Kate: Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?

Joey: Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor. I’m Joey Tribianni.

Kate: Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller.

(She goes over to the snack table, and Joey quickly runs over and pours her a cup of coffee.)

Joey: So the ah, play’s pretty great, huh?

Kate: Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murray’s work. She’s so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle class.

Joey: Oh, forget about it. She rocks!

Kate: Where do I know you from?

Joey: Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat.

Kate: No, that’s not it. So, you’re a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm?

Joey: Hey, I’ve done plays before. I’m a serious actor.

Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You’re-you’re-you’re the guy that doesn’t know how to pour milk!!

Joey: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldn’t. Now, see, that’s acting.

Kate: Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.

Joey: Yeah, that was real.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe about Mark, as Gunther eavesdrops behind them.]

Phoebe: Wow! I cannot believe Mark asked you out.

Rachel: I know.

Phoebe: What, so what are you gonna tell him?

Rachel: Well, I told him I would think about it, but I’m gonna tell him no.

Phoebe: Huh.

(Gunther tries to swoop in to ask Rachel out.)

Rachel: I mean I think I’d say no to anybody right now. (Hearing this Gunther swoops back to cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I’m standing there with this charming, cute guy, who’s asking me to go out with him, which I’m allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like I’d be cheating on Ross or something.

Phoebe: Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you’re not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father.

Rachel: I don’t have any issues with my Father.

Phoebe: Okay, so it’s probably just the Ross thing then.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is telling Chandler about Kate.]

Joey: I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Okay, and whenever I can’t do it, they’re all like-like laughing at me.

Ross: (entering) Hello.

Chandler and Joey: Hey!

Ross: So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute.

Joey: Wow, what-what do you think she wants?

Ross: Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realises that life without me.... a-sucks.

Chandler: It’s possible. You are very loveable, I’d miss you if I broke up with you. (Ross glares at him) I was just trying to be supportive.

Ross: Then be supportive like a guy.

Chandler: (in a deep voice) If I broke up with you, I’d miss you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Ross enters, walking very confidently.]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: You ah, wanted to see me?

Rachel: Yeah. Ahh, here’s a box of your stuff. (hands him a box)

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Oh, y'know, it’s just like hats, and a shirt, and CD’s, just sort of stuff that you’ve left here.

Ross: What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or something?

Rachel: No. Ross, it, it just seems that y'know it’s time we-we y'know, move on. I mean, I mean don’t’ you think?

Ross: Yes.

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: Yes, I do.

Rachel: Good.

Ross: Yeah, I-I really do. (takes a dinosaur mug out of the box) Hey! This-this was a gift?!

Rachel: Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop.

Ross: It’s still a gift! I got it from the gift shop!

Rachel: Okay, all right, give me the mug! I’ll keep the mug.

Ross: No!! Y'know-y'know don’t do me any favours. In fact, where, where’s the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? I’d like that back too. Yes, I do.

Rachel: You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even where that T-shirt!

Ross: I’m just trying to help you, move on.

Rachel: Oh, you are a petty man. You are a petty, petty....

Ross: Petty...

Rachel: Petty... (goes into her room)

Ross: Petty...

Rachel: Petty...

Ross: Petty...

Rachel: Small...

Ross: Small... (Rachel comes back into the living room and catches Ross mocking her.)

Rachel: You are so just doing this out of spite.

Ross: Awwwahuh, no, no, no!!

Rachel: Huh?

Ross: I’m-I’m gonna wear this all the time! I love this shirt!! (he kisses the shirt)

Rachel: You have not worn that T-shirt since you were 15!! It doesn’t even fit you anymore!

Ross: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah...

Rachel: (imitating him) yeah-yeah-yeah!!

Ross: Oh-oh, okay, okay! (He quickly takes off his sweater in order to put on the T-shirt. It’s an old ‘Frankie says relax’ T-shirt, that barely fits him. Rachel nods her head in approval of the new look.) If you don’t mind I’m gonna the rest of my stuff, and relax, in my favourite shirt. (Starts to leave) You have a pleasant evening. (He exits and leaves the door open.)

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang minus Rachel and Ross are talking to Pete.]

Phoebe: So, you’re like a zillionaire? (Pete smiles and nods)

Chandler: And you’re our age. You’re our age.

Phoebe: Y'know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself.

Pete: What like Pete Dakota?

Phoebe: Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete.

Joey: Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago.

Chandler: That’s not a state Joe.

Joey: Oh, and Mississ-Pete is?

Pete: I got to go, so ah, I’ll see you guys later.

All: Okay.

Chandler: You’re our age!

Pete: (to Monica, by the door) So ah, we on for tomorrow?

Monica: Absolutely! (He goes to kiss her, but she stops him and rubs his head and says...) Now get out of here you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gang) Okay, I’m running out of places I can touch him! Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where there’s no future? Either they’re too old, or they’re too young, and then there’s Pete who’s-who’s crazy about me, and who’s absolutely perfect for me, and there’s like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like something’s wrong with me?!

Phoebe: Yeah, kinda.

[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing for the play.]

Kate: Happy?! Is that what I’m supposed to be Vic? Happy?

Joey: Well, why don’t you tell me what you’re supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out! I talk to you and nothin’. You look at me, and it’s nothin’. (He kisses her) Nothing.

The Director: Tasty! I’m really starting to feel like you guys have a history, it’s-it’s nice.

Kate: I have a question about this scene.

The Director: Yes?

Kate: Well, I don’t understand why Adrienne’s attracted to Victor.

The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he’s good looking.

Joey: Yeah.

Kate: I think my character’s gonna need a little bit more of reason than that.

Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it’s says so in the script! Y'know ah, I-I don’t know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that you’re a bitch.

Kate: It doesn’t say that in the script.

Joey: It does in mine!

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are returning from working out.]

Chandler: I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn’t matter, I still wind up with this little (pats the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. It’s so annoying. Does it bug you?

Ross: You bug me.

[Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by Mark, and they leave on their date, without saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.]

Chandler: Is there any chance you didn’t see that?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching a basketball game, Ross is staring out the peephole.]

Chandler: Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can’t just stare through the peep hole for three hours! You’re gonna get peep eye!

Ross: I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y'know, she’d say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does!

Chandler: You didn’t just break up.

Ross: Hey, it’s been like three weeks!

Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets have left guns slower!

Ross: Here they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if she kisses him goodnight, I’m gonna kill myself, I swear. I can’t, I can’t watch this. (turns away, then quickly turns to look again) Come on, date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go, she’s going in.

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: She’s going in. Wait! He’s going in! He’s going in!! The door’s closed! I, I can’t see anything but the door closed!!

Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Ross: Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I have, I have to stop it!

Chandler: Stop what?!

Ross: I don’t know, but I ah, I have the feeling that my being there will do it. I’ll go over and I will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!!

(He starts to exit, but Chandler tries to stop him by climbing on his back and grabbing hold of the foosball table.)

Chandler: No!! You can’t!!

Ross: Look, they must be stopped!

Chandler: I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! (Ross is now dragging Chandler and the foosball table to the door) You are surprisingly strong!

Ross: I need juice! People need juice!!

Chandler: Look man!

Ross: People need juice!

Chandler: Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the door shut with his feet.)

Ross: Juice, I need...

Chandler: She’s moving on! Okay, if it’s not this guy, it’s gonna be somebody else! And unless you’re thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? It’s over.

Ross: Yeah, okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: It’s just I miss her so much.

Chandler: I know. (He rubs Ross’s head)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is pouring Mark some coffee.]

Mark: Why do all you’re coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom?

Rachel: Oh. That’s so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, ‘Where’s number 27?!’

(She sits down, and Mark leans over and kisses her. Rachel doesn’t react. He tries it again, and Rachel jumps back quickly.)

Rachel: Y'know what?

Mark: No. And I don’t think I’m gonna want to.

Rachel: I can’t do this.

Mark: Yep. Yep, that’s what I didn’t want to know.

Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I’m doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I’m just doing it to get back at Ross. I’m sorry, it’s not very fair to you.

Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!

Rachel: Oh God. I’m sorry about this.

Mark: That’s okay.

Rachel: You sure?

Mark: Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself.

[Scene: A Hospital Reception, Monica and Pete are there.]

Spokeswoman: ...has become the penicillin of the twenty-first century. And so today, this hospital is about to take major steps toward leading that revolution. It is truly ironic, on one hand consider the size...

Pete: (to Monica) Hey, can I ask you something?

Monica: Sure.

Pete: Where are we?

Monica: (looks around) Well, with all these doctors and nurses, I’m gonna say, midget rodeo.

Pete: Just tell me the truth.

Monica: Okay. Umm, y'know, I don’t think, I don’t think I told you this, but umm, I just got out of a really serious relationship.

Pete: Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that like a year ago?

Monica: So I did tell you. Okay, y'know, that really isn’t the thing. Umm, the thing is that, right now I’m just in a place in my life where I need to focus on me. Y'know what I mean?

Pete: Oh, yeah. I know that.

Monica: I so wanna be attracted to you.

Pete: But you’re not. Okay, good.

Monica: I’m sorry.

Pete: Y'know what, don’t be. This is not, don’t be, ‘cause it’s not so bad.

Monica: It’s not?

Pete: I know I’m no John Bon Jovi, (Monica laughs) or someone who find attractive, I’m just, I think, y'know, that you might end up feeling differently.

Monica: Well, um, look I-I don’t want this to come our wrong, but ah, you seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasn’t attracted too.

Pete: Yeah, stupidly charming isn’t’ it? Well listen let’s, you wanna get something to eat? ‘Cause this place is kinda depressing. (they start to leave)

Spokeswoman: And the man who made all this possible... Mr. Peter Becker.

Pete: (to Monica) One second.

(He takes the scissors, cuts the ribbon, shakes her hand, posses for the picture, and leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in one of the black chairs, and turns to face the other one.]

Chandler: I don’t think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. (He blows on his hand) Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the foot rest, like a gunfighter in a Western.)

(Joey enters.)

Chandler: (to Joey) I wasn’t doing anything. (Joey starts angrily throwing his stuff down.) Uh-oh, what did she do now?

Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she’s like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!

Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.

Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, ‘Oh, I’m so talented.’ and ‘Oh, I’m so pretty,’ and ‘Ooh, I smell so good.’

Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.

Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y'know?

Chandler: I’m talking about you. You big, big freak.

Joey: Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, you’re out of your mind.

Chandler: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you’d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!

Joey: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?!

[Scene: The Theatre, Kate and Joey are rehearsing the same scene as before.]

Kate: Happy?! Is that what I’m supposed to be Vic? Happy?

Joey: Well, why don’t you tell me what you’re supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out! I talk to you and it’s nothin’. You look at me, and nothin’. (He kisses her, more passionately this time) Nothing.

The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, we’re gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.

Kate: Well, that was ah...

Joey: Better?

Kate: Yeah! Yeah, it was definitely an improvement. G’night.

Joey: Ah, Kate?

Kate: Yeah?

Joey: You ah, you forgot your shoes.

Kate: (she giggles) I’m probably gonna need those. Huh? (she giggles some more)

Joey: Hey, listen you ah....

Kate: Hmm?

Joey: ...feel like getting a cup of coffee?

Kate: Umm.

The Director: (leaning in) Kate?

Kate: Yep.

The Director: You ready to go?

Kate: Yeah.

The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)

Kate: So umm, I’ll see you tomorrow, huh?

Joey: Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen chopping vegetables. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting in the living room.]

Phoebe: (to Chandler) Hey! (Chandler looks up, startled) Why isn’t it Spiderman? Y’know like Goldman, Silverman...

Chandler: ‘Cause it’s-it’s not his last name.

Phoebe: It isn’t?

Chandler: No, it’s not like, like Phil Spiderman. He’s a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there’s no Gold Man.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. There should be Gold Man!

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey, Rach, how was work?

Rachel: Oh, great. Although I did sit down where there wasn’t a chair.

Monica: By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff.

Rachel: Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming. I’m just gonna throw it out, it’s probably just a bunch of shampoo and... (she opens the box and stops)

Monica: Something wrong?

Rachel: (She takes the T-shirt out of the box and holds it to her chest and take a deep breath.) No. Nothing. (She smiles and goes into her room.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the black chairs.]

Chandler: So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have?

Phoebe: Okay well, he would turn things to gold.

Chandler: What about things that are already gold?

Phoebe: Ahh, his work is done.

Chandler: Okay, let’s play my game now.

Phoebe: Okay. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-DRAW!! (they both kick up the foot rests like an old fashioned gun fight.)

End

The One With The Dollhouse

Written by: Wil Calhoun

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]

Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You’re telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn’t want you back?!

Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it’s like to be you?

Monica: Wow, you’re really crazy about her, huh?

Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we’re on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it’s like somebody’s ripping out my heart!

Phoebe: Oh, it’s so great to see you feeling like this!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.

Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it.

Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? ‘Cause I thought death was something that’s supposed to be sad, in a way.

Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person.

Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And I’m sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?

Ross: You get the dollhouse.

Monica: I get the dollhouse!

Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.

Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?

Phoebe: No, just a barrel.

Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse.

Phoebe: Really?! Really?!

Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.

Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.]

Rachel: Hey, Sophie!

Sophie: Hey, Rach!

Chandler: Hey.

Sophie: Hey.

Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn’t have to walk me all the way back up here.

Chandler: Oh, that’s-that’s okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)

Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don’t keep the women’s lingerie here in the office?

Chandler: Yes, I realise that.

Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)

Chandler: That’s the stuff! (quickly grabs it)

[Rachel’s boss, Joanna, enters]

Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You don’t work for me.

Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.

Joanna: Bing! That’s a great name.

Chandler: Thanks, it’s ah, Gaelic, for ‘Thy turkey’s done.’ So ah, I’m gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.

Joanna: Me too.

Rachel: Bye, Chandler.

Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, what’s wrong with him?

Rachel: Oh, nothing, he’s just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.

Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?

Rachel: No!! No! He’s not married, or involved, with anyone!

Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know what, forget it.

Rachel: Well, I’ll ask him for you, if you want me too?

Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do?

Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here.

Joanna: I know that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. It’s a huge dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.]

Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper’s a little faded, that’s okay. Carpet’s a little loose. Hardwood floors!!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hello.

Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It’s so beautiful.

Monica: I know!!!

Phoebe: So, I’m here, ready to play.

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to the house.)

Monica: What’s this?

Phoebe: That’s a dog, every house should have a dog.

Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.

Phoebe: Well, maybe it’s so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.

Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?

Phoebe: No, no, that’s the ghost for the attic.

Monica: I don’t want a ghost.

Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you’ve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.

Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government.

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

All: Hello.

Rachel: I need to talk to you!

Ross: Sure, what’s up?

Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.

Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up... (walks away)

Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.

Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you...

Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin’ out the Chan-Chan man!

Rachel: (looks at him) That was (pause) surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all?

Chandler: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I’ll do it.

Rachel: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she’s gonna love me.

Phoebe: (holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur attack!! Quick, everybody into the house!! Ahh-ahh! (the dinosaur starts attacking the house. She starts to bark like a dog.) Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!

Monica: Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-that’s it, that’s it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? They’re not the right size, they’re not Victorian, and they just don’t go.

Phoebe: Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, we’re not welcome in the house of no imagination.

Ross: Uh, Pheebs, while we’re hovering around the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they don’t go, rrroof!

Phoebe: The little ones do.

[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse the play.]

Joey: Hey, Kate!

Kate: Morning.

Joey: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week...

The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him)

Joey: (to himself) And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah...

Woman: Hi, oh, I’m Lauren, Kate’s understudy.

Joey: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani.

Lauren: I know! I-I’m a big fan of yours.

Joey: (looks at her, shocked) What?!

Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives.

Joey: Get out of here, really?!

Lauren: Absolutely!

Joey: Yeah?

Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.

Joey: They gave me the shaft all right.

Lauren: (laughing) Oh, you’re so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something?

Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.

Lauren: Cool! I-I’ll see you then.

Joey: All right.

The Director: All right, it’s time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with her own dollhouse, that she made herself.]

Phoebe: Hey!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!!

Rachel: Wow!!

Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing the interior.)

Ross: Hey, what’s this?!

Phoebe: Oh, okay, it’s the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. (She slides a doll down the slide)

Monica: It’s very interesting, Phoebe.

Rachel: What’s this?

Phoebe: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed.

Ross: This is the coolest house ever!!

(Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on her face.)

Phoebe: Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? (lights some incense)

Rachel: All right!

Ross: I would!

Monica: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?!

Ross and Rachel: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: Watch, watch. (She turns a strand of Christmas lights strung around the house.)

Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!!

Phoebe: And, and! (She turns on a bubble maker.)

Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!!

Chandler: (entering) Hey, my Father’s house does that!

Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything.

Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there’s nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening.

Rachel: Hmm.

Chandler: Of course, I didn’t get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna’s such a big, dull dud!

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Joanna’s telling Rachel, her side of the story.]

Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!!

Rachel: What?!

Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y’know how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you?

Rachel: Oh, I....

Joanna: Oh, and he’s got such a good heart! Doesn’t he have a good heart?

Rachel: Oh, I know...

Joanna: Oh, I know and he’s soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to call, so put him straight through.

Sophie: Isn’t this great?!

Joanna: Don’t spoil it.

[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing.]

Joey: Come on baby, don’t go. Please? What do you say?

[A phone rings.]

The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! It’s you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)

Joey: (to Kate) That guy’s like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?

Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you’re dating.

Joey: Hey, I’m not interested in her sweater! It’s what’s underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I’m going out with?

Kate: I don’t care. Why, do you want me to care?

Joey: Do you want me to want you to care?

Kate: Do you?

Joey: What?

The Director: (returning) Okay, I’m afraid to say this, but let’s pick it up where we left off.

[They resume rehearsing.]

Joey: Come on baby, don’t go. Please? What do you say?

Kate: I’ve got no reason to stay.

(Joey grabs her and kisses her.)

The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I’ll see you in the morning. (exits)

Kate: I can’t believe we go on in, in a week.

Joey: Hey, it’s gonna be all right.

Lauren: (to Joey) Hey! So since we’re getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs?

Joey: What?

Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about last night?

Joey: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah, y'know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight.

Lauren: Oh, okay.

Joey: Okay. (he gives her a peck on the cheek)

Lauren: I’ll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full on the mouth.)

Joey: Okay.

Lauren: G’night. (exits)

Joey: (to Kate) Ah, are you okay?

Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?

Joey: I don’t know.

Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.

Joey: How do you mean?

Kate: Well, Adrian’s looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can’t just kiss her, he’s gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y'know?

Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.

Kate: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist.

Kate: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach!

Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!

Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal....

[cut to Joey’s bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under the covers.]

Joey: Something like that?

Kate: Yeah, that’s pretty much what I had in mind.

Joey: Yeah.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily.]

Joey: (to Ross) Hey.

Ross: Hi.

Joey: (to Monica) Hey.

(He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a kiss on the neck.)

Ross: Hi.

Joey: Hey.

(He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a moment, and gives him a big hug.)

Ross: It’s a little early to be drinkin’.

Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate.

Ross: Ohhhhh!

Monica: You’re kidding?! That’s great!

Joey: Oh, it was so amazing. After the (pause) love making...

Monica: Oh my.

Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming ‘cause, ‘cause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like he’s been processed by the devil, or something.)

Chandler: (entering with Rachel) I’m telling ya, Joanna’s got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, ‘This was fun. Let’s do it again sometime. I’ll give you a call.’

Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you’re going to call her?

Chandler: That’s what you say at the end of a date.

Rachel: You can’t just say, ‘Nice to meet you, good night?’

Chandler: To her face? Look it’s the end of the date, I’m standing there, I know all she’s waiting for is for me to say ‘I’ll call her’ and it’s just y'know, comes out. I can’t help it, it’s a compulsion.

Monica: Come on Rach, when a guy says he’s going to call, it doesn’t mean he’s going to call. Hasn’t it ever happened to you?

Rachel: Well, they always called.

Monica: Hmm, bite me.

[Scene: Rachel’s office.]

Joanna: (entering) Did he call?

Rachel: No. Sorry.

Joanna: Why?! Why?! He said he’d call. Why hasn’t he called?

Sophie: Maybe he’s intimated by really smart, strong, successful women.

Joanna: Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn’t he called, Rachel? Why?

Rachel: Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss.

Joanna: Awkward? Why should he feel awkward?

Rachel: Well...

Joanna: The only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didn’t tell him not to call me, did you?

Rachel: No. I...

Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix...that.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachel approaches.]

Rachel: (grabbing the magazine out of his hands) Call her! Call her now!

Chandler: Multiple, so many paper cuts.

Rachel: Why hasn’t he called Rachel? Why? Why? I don’t understand. Why? He said he’ll call. Why? Why? Chandler I’m telling you she has flipped out, she’s gone crazy!

Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone then.

Rachel: Come on, this isn’t funny. She thinks it’s my fault that you haven’t called her. You have to call her!

Chandler: Look, you can’t call somebody after this long just to say, ‘In case you didn’t notice, I don’t like you!’

Rachel: Well then you’re going to have to take her out again.

Chandler: Nooo!! She’s really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!

Rachel: I don’t care! I don’t care! You are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it’s actually ended. And, I don’t care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again!

Chandler: All right! Fine! But it’s just a lunch date, no more than an hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I don’t want you setting me up with anybody ever again!

Rachel: That’s fine!

Chandler: That’s just a lot of big talk, y'know.

Rachel: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Mon?

Monica: (from the bathroom) I’m in the shower!

[He closes the door and walks over to get something from the fridge. He starts to smell something and turns around to see Phoebe’s dollhouse smoking. He runs over and takes off the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fire.]

Ross: Oh, fire! There, there’s a fire! Fire!!

[He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn’t work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in the shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on the fire, it doesn’t work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her lungs.]

[Scene: The Theatre, Kate is arriving for rehearsal.]

Joey: Hey.

Kate: Hi.

Joey: So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Did you ah, did you talk to Marshall?

Kate: About what?

Joey: Y'know, about what happened with us.

Kate: Nooo. And there’s really no reason he should find out, so ah let’s not make a big deal about it, okay?

Joey: What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on you can’t tell me last night didn’t mean something to you. I-I was there, you’re not that good an actress.

Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That’s all it was. Joey, I’m-I’m sorry you feel bad, but haven’t you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you?

Joey: Nooo.

Lauren: (entering) Hi, Kate!

Kate: Hi, Lauren.

Joey: Hi, Lauren.

Lauren: Hi, pig!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are inspecting the damage to the dollhouse.]

Ross: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there.

Monica: Oh, that’s okay. By the way, I was just checking the shower massager.

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: (runs over to her) I tried to reach you at work. There’s....been a fire.

Phoebe: What?! Oh my... (sees the remains of the house) Oh my God!! What happened?!

Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. (He uses a pointer and points to the point of origin.) In the Aroma Room.

Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay?

Monica: Well, the giraffe’s okay. And so is the pirate.

Phoebe: Ohh. What is this? (She sees a tissue covering something, and moves to remove it.)

Ross: No Phoebe, don’t look! You don’t want to see what’s under there!!

Phoebe: (She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.) Ohh, the-the Foster puppets!

(She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the Foster puppets, and starts to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.)

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Chandler and Joanna are returning from their lunch date. He is telling her about her mascara problem. Rachel is already there.]

Chandler: It’s not a big deal. It’s, just it’s right here, (points to his eye) and it’s all the time.

Joanna: Well, thanks again for lunch.

Chandler: (He looks over at Rachel, who nods her head) Yes, this, this was pleasant.

(Rachel is slowing trying to leave and let them talk.)

Joanna: It was, wasn’t it?

Chandler: The food there was, was great.

Joanna: Wasn’t it?

Chandler: So take care.

Joanna: You too.

Chandler: Well, this was great. I’ll give you a call. We should do it again sometime. (Rachel is disappointed)

Joanna: Great! I’m looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages?

Rachel: Sophie’s desk.

(Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but Rachel stops him in the hallway.)

Rachel: (whispering) Chandler!! Are you gonna call her!

Chandler: Noo!

Rachel: Chandler!!

Chandler: Look, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m weak, and pathetic, and sorry.

Rachel: Okay, you are going to tell her and you’re going to tell her now. (She grabs his nipple and starts to twist it.)

Chandler: Ahhhh—I’m not going to call you.

Joanna: What?

Chandler: I’m sorry. I’m-I’m-I’m sorry that I said I was going to when I’m not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isn’t Rachel’s fault. It’s me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara goop. And I’m really sorry, it’s just that this is not, this isn’t going to work out.

Joanna: Well, this isn’t how I was hoping how this would end, but I guess I have to appreciate your honesty.

Chandler: Yeah, o-okay.

Joanna: So...

Chandler: Well this is great! I’ll give you a call! We should do it again sometime!

(Rachel is shocked, and holds her arms out in disbelief.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is talking on the phone.]

Joey: (on phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what I’m saying is I should’ve considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I’ve ah, I’ve recently learned what’s it like to be on your side of it, and I’m sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? (listens) Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. (He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again.) Hello, Jennifer? (listens) Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? (listens) Oh, she’s not home huh? (listens) Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.

End

The One With A Chick. And A Duck

Written by: Chris Brown

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are helping Monica learn how to roller skate by rolling her between themselves.]

Rachel: So who’s idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates?

Monica: Oh, some idiot customer put a suggestion in the suggestion box.

Phoebe: Oh my God, they took my idea!

Monica: That was you?!

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay, here you go. (rolls her back to Rachel)

Gunther: (bringing Rachel a mug) Rachel, I made you a cocoa.

[He distracts her from catching Monica and Monica slams into her, knocking her down. Monica then falls on top of her.]

Phoebe: Oh my God, are you guys okay?

Gunther: Are you all right?

Joey: (leaving Central Perk and seeing Monica laying on top of Rachel who is moaning in pain.) Oh my.

(They both turn and give him a dirty look.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Quincy M.E. as Chandler is walking into the living room from his bedroom.]

Chandler: (sporting a goatee) Hey.

Joey: Hey. Y'know with that goatee you kinda look like Satan.

Chandler: Oh, so that’s why the priest threw holy water on me. (there’s no reaction from Joey) Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You should come out with Ross and me, I mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about Kate.

Joey: Hey I was crying because, because nobody believed Quincy’s theory. Okay?

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: (triumphantly) I’m gonna be on TV!!

Chandler: No way!

Ross: Yeah! They’re putting together this panel to talk about these fossils they just found in Peru and The Discovery Channel’s gonna film it!

Chandler: Oh my God! Who’s gonna watch that?!

Ross: Thanks. You ready to go?

Chandler: Yeah. (they start to leave)

Joey: Saw a girl with that vest.

Chandler: Thanks. (He takes off the vest and throws it on the floor.)

Anchorwoman: (on TV) While most of us think of chocolate bunnies and baskets as traditional Easter gifts. Some people insist on giving live chicks as presents. (Joey is intrigued by the idea) Unfortunately, the sad fact remains that most of these little guys won’t live to see the fourth of July. (Joey starts to call a place to buy a little baby chick) Because of as a result of improper care, they will be dead.

Joey: (on phone) Yeah, hi. You guys got any of those baby chicks? ‘Cause I was watching this ah, commercial on TV and man, those guys are cute!

[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is entering, Monica is on roller skates.]

Pete: Hi!

Monica: Hi! Hey, Pete you’re back! Hey, check this out. (She starts to skate over to him)

Pete: Wow! Skates!

(She gets just about all the way over to him and falls into his arms.)

Monica: Wow! You’re a lot sturdier that Chandler. He crumpled like a piece of paper. So how was you’re trip?

Pete: Well... (he holds up a gift he brought her)

Monica: Oh, what’d ya bring me?! (She opens the gift) Awww, hotel toiletries from Japan. Oh, these are gonna go in my permanent collection. You want some coffee?

Pete: Yeah, sure, that’d be great.

(She starts to go and get the coffee and falls behind the counter.)

Monica: (popping back up) Regular or decaf?

Pete: Ah, which ever is closest.

Monica: Okay. (hands him a cup)

Pete: So ask me what I did today.

Monica: So what did you do today Pete?

Pete: I bought a restaurant and I would like you to be the head chef.

Monica: What?! Oh.(She turns around quickly and falls)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is telling Rachel about Pete’s offer.]

Monica: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?

Rachel: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?

Monica: I mean this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica’s Bakery. I mean I would kill for this job. I mean I can totally do this job, and God knows I paid my dues. (She removes her fake breasts) But Pete’s just doing this because he has a crush on me.

Rachel: And you’re still not attracted to him at all?

Monica: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a restaurant from him? I-I-I-I can’t. I couldn’t even accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh grade.

Rachel: Yeah, but Mon that’s totally different. He was you’re health teacher.

Monica: Oh, please.

(She slaps Rachel’s side and Rachel screams in pain.)

Monica: What? Honey.

Rachel: Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when you crashed into me yesterday.

Monica: Oh God, I’m so sorry.

Rachel: I know.

(Monica hugs her goes and hugs her)

Rachel: Ow!!

Monica: Oh God!

Ross: (entering, wearing a white suit with a little red bow tie) Hey, you guys! Guess what?

Rachel: (looking at the outfit) Got a job on a river boat?

Ross: Y'know what I didn’t wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You’re not my girlfriend anymore so...

Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point.

Ross: Right.

Rachel: Now that you’re on you’re own, you’re free to look as stupid as you like.

Ross: (to Monica) You like it right?

Monica: Oh absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders. (Ross starts to leave) Ross! Ross! I’m kidding!

Rachel: Yeah, come here!

Monica: What-what was it you were gonna tell us?

Rachel: Yeah. Oh! Was how you invented the cotton gin?!

Ross: Okay, good bye! (leaves)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about her suggestion.]

Chandler: So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen.

Phoebe: Umm, oh, about three months.

Chandler: Okay, so I guess that’s about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in.

Joey: (entering carrying a box) Hey!!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: I got you something! Open it! Open it!

Chandler: Okay. (He opens it and it’s a baby chick) It’s a chicken.

Joey: It’s cute, huh?

Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks?

Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? Nooo.

Phoebe: Okay, well they are a huge responsibility, especially at this age. They require constant care. They-they need just the right food, and lot’s and lot’s of love.

Joey: Oh, well no problem there. (He picks up the chick, hugs it really tight, and talks to it like it’s a little baby.)

Chandler: Easy Lenny.

[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is talking to Monica about the restaurant.]

Pete: So? I mean have you thought about it?

Monica: Okay. Here’s the thing.

Pete: Oh no, not the thing. I hate the thing. What’s the thing?

Monica: I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I wish I could, but umm, see you have these feelings for me....

Pete: Wait, wait, wait, wait, that’s-that’s what you’re worried about? If that’s the problem, we’ve got no problem.

Monica: Huh?

Pete: No! Look, I was gonna tell you this over dinner, but I met somebody else. On my trip.

Monica: Oh?

Pete: Her name’s Ann, she’s a journalist. Ahh, we met on the plane. She asked me if she could finish off my peanuts, I thought she said something else, we had a big laugh. Yeah, I just, I mean I got, I got tired of waiting.

Monica: Oh, that’s great! I mean I’m-I’m sorry, but I’m so happy for you. And now I can work for you!

Pete: I guess you can.

Monica: Oh my God! Oh, this is incredible! Ohh! (she rolls over and kisses him on the cheek) All right, y'know what? I’m just gonna roll right into that office and-and quit!

Pete: All right.

Monica: Okay. (she gets ready to go) Can you give me a little push?

Pete: Yeah, sure. Good luck!

Monica: (rolling towards the office) I’m quitting!! Woo-hoo! (She rolls through a doorway and out of sight. We then hear a big crash, and see Monica roll past the door the other way.) I’m okay!! I’m all right!!

Phoebe: (to Pete) Wow! That’s exciting, you went to Japan, made up a woman.

Pete: What?

Phoebe: I’m just saying, this woman, I mean she’s fictitious. No?

Pete: Why would you say that?

Phoebe: ‘Cause you’re still into Monica. So you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so ‘cause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and...

Pete: You’re good. You’re good!

Phoebe: Yeah, no, I’m fairly intuitive and psychic. It’s a substantial gift.

Pete: Listen, can you promise me that you won’t tell her though?

Phoebe: Absolutely, oh I promise. Tell her what?

Pete: Thanks a lot.

Phoebe: No I’m serious. I mean I’m intuitive, but my memory sucks.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is baby-chick sitting.]

Chandler: Okay, but this is the last time. (singing) With a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick-(Joey enters)-chickeeeen.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: How’s she doing?

Chandler: She?

Joey: Well yeah, don’t-don’t you think it’s a she?

Chandler: I don’t know. (He picks the chick up and turns it over, trying to determine the sex of the chick, and blows on it.) I can’t tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly.

Joey: Well, anyway, I got to go change, I’m ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks.

Chandler: Excuse me?

Joey: What?

Chandler: I stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick!

Joey: Hey! Who was up from 2 o’clock this morning until 5 o’clock this morning trying to get her back to sleep?

Chandler: You don’t think I get up when you get up?

Joey: Ohhh, here it comes.

Chandler: Yes, here it comes! I’m stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? Well I don’t think so mister!

Joey: Hey!! I need to relax! Okay? I was working all day!

Chandler: And you don’t think taking care of our chick is work?

Joey: That’s not what I said. Okay, I just meant...

Chandler: I know what you meant!! (pause) You notice that ever since we got this chick, we’ve been fighting a lot more than we used too?

Joey: I don’t know, maybe we weren’t ready to have a chick.

Chandler: I’ll take her back tomorrow.

Joey: Do you think we’ll get our three bucks back?

Ross: (entering carrying a garment bag) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: (sees the chick) Ohhh, hey! All right, listen, I-I have that TV thing in like two hours, and I need your help, okay? What do you think? (takes out two suits) This blue suit, or this brown one?

Joey: Well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great in the blue one.

Ross: Really? (Joey gives him a ‘Like I would know’ look)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to take some aspirin.]

Rachel: (she reaches for the bottle) Oww! (She grabs the bottle, but has trouble opening it. She pops the top off and aspirins fly all over the place as Ross enters.)

Ross: Wow! That aspirin dance really works!

Rachel: (She bends over to try and pick up the aspirin) Oww!

Ross: Oh my God, is that still...

Rachel: I’m fine, I’m fine.

Ross: No you’re not.

Rachel: Yes I am!

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: Look, I’m fine. Watch. (She picks up an aspirin between her toes) Look at that. (She lifts her leg to grab the aspirin with her hand and almost falls over.) Whoa-whoa!

Ross: (stopping her from falling) Okay, okay. Look, you have got to go to a doctor! Okay?

Rachel: No. I have got to get ready and go to a dinner at my bosses house. It’s a very big deal, there’s a lot of people there I have to meet.

Ross: And I’m sure you’re gonna make a big impression. Hi! I’m Rachel Green. It’s nice to meet you. (He lifts his leg and imitates shaking hands with it, just like how Rachel was trying to pick up the aspirin with her feet.) Come on, you probably have a broken rib!

Rachel: Well, I will go to the hospital tomorrow, it’ll still be broken then.

Ross: Rach...

Rachel: But y'know, I could use a hand getting ready.

Ross: Rachel...

Rachel: Look, either help me or go.

Ross: Fine. I’ll go.

Rachel: (with a hurt expression on her face) Okay, but before you go, could you help me first?

Ross: (He checks his watch) Sure. I’ll help you.

Chandler: (rushing in) Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, Rachel is trying to put on eye liner with her left hand, as Ross is setting out her shoes.]

Rachel: (She drops the brush) Y'know what? I cannot do this with my left hand! Would you please, help me with this too?

Ross: Ohh. (He drops the shoes, takes the brush from her, and licks the tip. He doesn’t like how it tastes.)

Rachel: (taking the brush back) Okay. Let’s use this brush. (Hands him another one.)

Ross: Okay. This stuff?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: All right.

Rachel: Careful. Light. Okay, do you know how, just sweep it across the lid. Okay? Just sweep it.

Ross: Oke-dokey. (He pokes her in the eye with the brush.)

Rachel: Oh-ho!

Ross: Sorry.

Rachel: Hey! That’s just poking me in the eye!

Ross: Sorry, I’m sorry. Close, close, close...

Rachel: Okay, just sweep it.

Ross: I’m sweeping...

Rachel: Right.

Ross: Sweep, sweep....(He starts to paint it on her eye, making it look like she has a black eye.)

Rachel: Okay, now make it even, ‘cause we don’t...

Ross: What? What?

Rachel: We don’t want it-it to be too much, we want it to be subtle.

(Of course it’s too late for that.)

Ross: No. No, y'know you don’t, you don’t wear enough of this. (Rachel is shocked) What?

Rachel: Since when, since when do you think I don’t wear enough of this?

Ross: Well I, close your eyes, I just think you’re gonna like this a little better, ‘cause, close-close... (He gets some more on the brush)

Rachel: Blow it.

Ross: (blows it) Sorry. ‘Cause umm, I think this will make you a little more sophisticated.

Rachel: Sophisticated like a hooker?

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is entering, Phoebe is already there.]

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey, guess what I’m doing tonight.

Phoebe: What?

Monica: I’m checking out the restaurant with Pete.

Phoebe: Ohh, Monica, I am so excited for you.

Monica: I know.

Phoebe: Ooh, I have to tell you something.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: But I can’t tell you.

Monica: Okay, but wouldn’t it be easier if you had to tell me something that you could tell me.

Phoebe: Well, sure in a perfect world. But, no, I promised I wouldn’t tell, and I swore to like all my gods.

Monica: Okay. Does it have to do with Ross and Rachel?

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Does it have to do with Joey?

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Does it have to do with-with Chandler and that sock that he keeps by his bed?

Phoebe: No, but let’s come back to that later!

[Scene: Rachel’s Bedroom, Ross is finishing up her make-up.]

Ross: There you go! Good enough for your party, huh?

(She turns and looks in the mirror, and it’s way, way over done. She looks like she has two black eyes.)

Rachel: Sure.

Ross: Yep?

Rachel: Sure, I’ll just sit next to the trans-sexual from purchasing.

Ross: Okay, come on! All right, I gotta go! So good luck at the party. Okay?

Rachel: Oh wait, Ross, would you just stay and help me get dressed?

Ross: (checks his watch) Sure, okay.

Rachel: Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay, just turn around.

Ross: What?

Rachel: I don’t want you to see me naked!

Ross: Rachel, I’ve seen you naked a million times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Remember, I-I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button?

Rachel: Yeah, but that was different. Y’know? I mean, we were, we were going out then, now I think it’s weird.

Ross: Rach, y'know I can see you naked any time I want.

Rachel: What?

Ross: All I have to do is close my eyes. See? (closes his eyes) Woo-hoo!!

Rachel: Ross! Stop that!

Ross: Ah, I’m sorry.

Rachel: Come on! I don’t want you thinking of me like that any more!

Ross: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. It’s one of my ah, rights as the ex-boyfriend. (closes his eyes again) Oop, oh yeah!

Rachel: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out!

Ross: Okay, okay, I’m sorry, it will never happen... (closes eyes) Uh-oh! Wait a minute! Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and I’m the king.

Rachel: Rosss...

Ross: Come on, would you grow up? It’s no big deal.

Rachel: All right. (She starts to take off her robe) Fine.

Ross: Yowzah!!!

Rachel: O-kay!! See what you did, I’m gonna be doing it by myself now. Okay?

Ross: Aww, come on.

Rachel: That’s it. (She crawls onto the bed) Ow!!!

Ross: Oh my God!

Rachel: Oh-ow!

Ross: All right.

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: Look...

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Ow! Ow!

Ross: Easy. Easy. You have to go to the hospital. Okay?

Rachel: Okay, I do.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: I really do.

Ross: Okay, I’m gonna get your coat and then I’ll-I’ll put you in a cab.

Rachel: Okay. Oh wait, wait-wait, you’re not gonna come with me?

Ross: (He thinks about it) Of course I am. I just have to make a call.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay? (goes into the living room)

Rachel: Thank you. (She goes to take off her make-up and screams in pain) Oww!!!! God!

Ross: (rushing back in) What?! I wh-, what’s wrong?

Rachel: I’m sorry, I just can’t go to the hospital lookin’ like this.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is trying to find out what Phoebe won’t tell her.]

Monica: Does it involve travel?

Phoebe: Noo!

Monica: Does it involve clogs?

Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws?

Monica: Clogs.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Claws?!

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Okay, so it doesn’t involve Ross or Rachel or Chandler or Joey. But, what about Pete?

Phoebe: (Shaking her head yes) No!

Monica: What is it?! What about Pete?

Phoebe: I don’t know! (frantically points at Monica)

Monica: Okay, I feel like I’m talking to Lassie. All right, Phoebe would you just tell me!

Phoebe: I can’t!!

Monica: Okay, I gotta go. (gets up)

Phoebe: I, but you’re so close! No!

Monica: Okay, does it involve something to do with Pete’s computer company?

Phoebe: Oh, just go. You’re never gonna get it!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching Baywatch with the baby chick. He’s on one leather chair, the chick is on the other. It’s watching Yasmine Bleeth run and is chirping.]

Chandler: I know. See, yes. That’s Yasmine Bleeth, she’s a completely different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: (sees he’s watching Baywatch) Ohhh. (sees he still has the chick) Ahh! What are you doing?! I thought you were gonna take her back to the store today.

Chandler: I did! But the store wouldn’t take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out?

(Joey wants to know, but Chandler doesn’t want to discuss it by the chick, so he and Joey move over to the windows and away from the chick.)

Chandler: If they can’t find a home for her, they kill her! And I’m not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine!

Joey: Okay, good, good, good, ‘cause, good, ‘cause I was kinda having second thoughts too.

Chandler: Okay. And it’s not just chicks y'know? It’s all kinds of other animals!

Joey: That’s horrible! Well, you did the right thing man.

Chandler: Thanks, I’m glad you see it that way.

(He hear a duck start quacking, and see it waddle into the living room from the bathroom. Joey wants to know what’s with the duck.)

Chandler: Ohhh-hoo, funny story!

[Scene: Pete’s Restaurant’s Kitchen, Pete is showing Monica around the kitchen.]

Monica: I don’t believe this! Wow, look at this refrigerator! It’s gigantic! I mean I could live in this thing! I’d be cold, but I’m always cold. Oh my God, look at these spider burners! I love spider burners.

Pete: So you like it?

Monica: Oh, it is sooo perfect. Thank you so much. (runs over and hugs him)

Pete: Oh, you’re welcome. (He takes a deep breath)

Monica: Did you just smell my hair?

Pete: Nooo. Uh-huh, no way. What? No.

Monica: Oh God.

Pete: What?

Monica: You still have feelings for me don’t you?

Pete: Now, nooo! I’m just excited about the restaurant, that’s all.

Monica: Pete.

Pete: Okay, I love you. Is that so bad?

Monica: No, it’s not bad. It’s not bad at all. It’s-it’s really nice.

Pete: Look, the only who stands to get hurt is me. And I’m okay with that.

Monica: You may be okay about getting hurt, but I am not okay with being the one who hurts you. That’s why I can’t take this job.

Pete: What?

Monica: And well, we probably shouldn’t see each other anymore. I’m sorry.

Pete: Okay, yeah. I mean... If that’s, if that’s really what you want, okay.

Monica: Okay, bye.

(She kisses him on the cheek, and he kisses her back on the mouth.)

Pete: I’m sorry things didn’t work out...

Monica: All right shut up for a second and let me just see something. (She kisses him back on the lips) Oh, wow! (They then hug and kiss, very passionately.)

[Scene: The Hallway Between The Apartments, Ross and Rachel are coming back from the hospital. Ross is helping her up the stairs.]

Rachel: Okay, you’d tell me the truth. Right?

Ross: Rach, you can’t look fat in an x-ray.

Rachel: Okay.

(As they approach the door, Chandler comes out carrying his duck.)

Chandler: Okay! Now you stay out here, and you think about what you did!!

Ross: (to Chandler) That’s a duck.

Chandler: That’s a bad duck!!! (to Ross) How’d the thing go tonight, Ross?

Ross: Oh, it was, nah, well....

Rachel: What thing? What thing?

Ross: Nothing, ah there was this thing at the museum. Come on. (they go into her apartment) Easy.

Chandler: (to the duck) Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that, that chick is not a toy! (He goes back into the apartment)

[cut to inside Monica and Rachel’s]

Rachel: What thing? What is this thing?

Ross: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel.

Rachel: Oh my God!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Ross, why didn’t you tell me that?

Ross: Eh, ‘cause I knew that if I told you, you’d make me go, and I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on.

Rachel: I cannot believe you.

Ross: What?

Rachel: That is the sweetest thing, I just....

(They both look at each other for a while)

Ross: (breaking the silence) You should get some sleep.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: So, I’ll umm...

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry I spoiled you’re evening.

Ross: No, that’s, no, as long as you’re okay. So I’ll ah, I’ll see you tomorrow.

Rachel: Um-hmm, yeah.

(He leaves)

Rachel: (After he closes the door) See ya.

(In the hallway, Ross all dejected, sits down on the step.)

Chandler: (coming out of his apartment and seeing Ross) What did you do?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s Bathroom: Chandler is watching the duck swim in the bathtub.]

Joey: What ‘cha doing?

Chandler: Having a swim.

Joey: What about the chick?

Chandler: Chicks don’t swim.

Joey: Are you sure?

Chandler: I don’t know. Should we try it?

Joey: Sure.

(Chandler picks up the chick and drops it in the water.)

Chandler: See, I told you they don’t swim. (He goes to take it out)

Joey: (stopping him) Wait. Give him a minute.

Chandler: Noo! (takes him out) Oh, it’s okay, it’s okay, baby, baby, baby.

(Joey picks up and turns on a hair dryer.)

End

The One With The Screamer

Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back like two hours ago.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he’s at Flimby’s.

Rachel: What’s Flimby’s?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that’s the word I use when I can’t remember the real thing.

Rachel: Okay. Hang up! That’s it! Come on!

Phoebe: No! Rachel, that’s what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I don’t get through, they’re not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It’s us versus them!

Chandler: Ye-e-es!!

Joey: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey.

Joey: Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what?

Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had one.

Monica: I need two. I’m bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now!

Joey: Two it is. Ross, how about you?

Ross: Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two.

Monica: Really? Who’s number two?

Chandler: Who’s number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.

Ross: Uh, no, it’s-it’s just this person.

Phoebe: Like a date type (looks at Rachel) person?

Ross: Yeah, kinda. It’s this woman from work. I hope that won’t be too weird. Will it, Rach?

Rachel: No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone myself, so…

Joey: But you said one.

Rachel: I meant, me plus one!

Joey: Okay. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah, you guys mean you plus one?

Ross: All right, I’ll see you tonight.

Joey: Okay.

Rachel: Okay, bye-bye!

Chandler: Bye!

Monica: Bye-bye!

(Ross exits)

Rachel: Okay, I need a date! (runs to her bedroom)

Joey: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate!

All: Oh!

Joey: (to Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it.

Monica: Joey, what are you doing?! It’s never gonna happen, she’s seeing somebody.

Chandler: Yeah, and I don’t have any cologne.

Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream.

Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.

(In horror, Joey wipes his neck and smells it.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting ready to go to Joey’s premiere and Phoebe is still on hold.]

Monica: (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater)

Phoebe: Thanks!

Monica: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I’m setting the phone down. (does so) But I’m still here! Just don’t go anywhere I’m still here. (starts to put on the sweater) Don’t-don’t switch or anything, ‘cause I’m, I’m right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.) Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on, as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just…

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: What?! Monica, I’m scared!!

Monica: All right. Honey, that’s-that’s a sleeve. Okay?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: And! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.)

Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.

Monica: Okay, wait, you gotta hang up ‘cause we’re gonna be late.

(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but…)

Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.

Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! I’m the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.

Chandler: (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?

Monica: Of course not.

Phoebe: No.

Chandler: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.

[Scene: Joey’s Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played by Ben Stiller who will be in There's Something About Mary and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]

Ross: Hey, hey Rach!

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)

Ross: Good.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: So it’s looks like we’re the first ones here.

Rachel: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!!

Ross: Yay!!

(An awkward silence follows.)

Rachel: Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.

Tommy: Hey.

Ross: Hey. Oh, I’m sorry, this is Cailin.

(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing they’re arms to shake each other’s hand, and Ross says…)

Ross: And! Break!!

(Awkward laughter follows.)

Rachel: Okay, uhh, I think I’m going to run to the ladies room.

Tommy: Okay.

Cailin: I’ll join you.

Tommy: I’ll get our seats.

Ross: Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is awkward.

Tommy: Yeah?

Ross: Well y'know ‘cause Rachel and I used to go out.

Tommy: Oh, I didn’t, I didn’t know that.

Ross: Oh! Well then this is awkward. So what do you uh…

Tommy: I think we’re here.

Ross: Oh! Yeah.

Tommy: Yeah.

Ross: Okay. (sees two people sitting in their seats.) Uh, huh. Excuse me, I’m sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats.

Man: Umm, no, I don’t think so.

Tommy: Can-can we take a look at your ticket?

Man: Sure. (Hands him the ticket.)

Ross: (looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh…

Man: Oh, well I thought that ah…

Tommy: Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn’t really work out too well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?! Look you’re surrounded by even numbers!! Did that give you some clue?!

Man: Uh, the usher told us to come…

Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross, calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle?

Ross: No, I’m good. (He sits down, stunned.)

[Scene: The Theatre, at the post premiere party. The gang is already there, except Phoebe. Joey runs in.]

Chandler: (seeing Joey) There he is!

Monica: There’s our star!

Joey: So, so, what’d ya think?

Chandler: Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.

Joey: I-I wasn’t in that.

Chandler: I know.

Joey: (sees Kate) Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you to meet everybody. Everybody, this is Kate.

Monica: Hi!

The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)

Chandler: So that’s the girl you like.

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: (drags Chandler over to buffet table) I’m telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think he’s baaad news!

Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don’t like the guy Rachel’s dating? Well, that’s odd.

[cut to Joey, Rachel, and Tommy.]

Joey: Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is Kate’s understudy, Lauren.

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Lauren: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. Gosh, you look soo familiar.

Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day.

[cut to Monica, Pete, and Cailin]

Cailin: So. How’d you guys meet?

Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.

Monica: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version.

[cut to Joey as Estelle, Joey’s agent, approaches]

Estelle: Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous!

Joey: Hey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle.

Estelle: How do you do. (to Rachel and Monica) Ooh, you two girls were outstanding! (to Joey) Did they have representation?

Joey: No, they-they weren’t in the play.

Rachel: We’re not actors.

Estelle: Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face (points to Monica) and her chest (points to Rachel) I could really put something together.

Chandler: Could I borrow it?

[cut to later]

Cailin: (to Ross) Hi! Remember me?

Ross: Hi! Yeah! Tommy’s in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in front of him, I think he’s gonna snap. (He’s watching very intently)

Cailin: Ross, I’m gonna go.

Ross: Go? Why?

Cailin: I don’t know. Could be because I don’t feel like standing around all night waiting for some guy who may or may not scream.

Ross: But-but Cailin, he definitely will scream.

Cailin: Good bye Ross.

Ross: Uh, oh-ho bye.

The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la… Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.

Joey: Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha!

The Director: Kate Miller’s awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is… (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, you’ve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mother’s crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!

(Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him.)

Joey: Anyone mind if I save this?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on hold.]

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh, is the play over?

Monica: Yeah. Where were you?

Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.

Monica: You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.

Phoebe: Nah. I kept myself busy.

(Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living room with confused looks on their faces.)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, yeah. (to Monica) I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room.

(They both look at each other, nod their heads ‘All right’ and follow their stuff into their new rooms.)

[Scene: The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying to comfort Kate.]

Joey: Hey! Are you okay?

Kate: Fabulous.

Joey: Listen, drama critics they’re nothing but, but people who couldn’t make it as actors. You know what you should do?

Kate: Become a drama critic!

The Director: (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both your houses! (walks away)

Kate: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.

Joey: Oh, classy.

Kate: Yep! I sure know how to pick ‘em, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a soap for this!

Joey: Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.

Kate: Really. What?

Joey: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We’ll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.

Kate: Why the Post?

Joey: Oh, you didn’t see the Post?

Kate: No. You?

Joey: No. Why?

[Scene: Kate’s Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the town.]

Kate: (drunk) So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?

Joey: Oh, absolutely! You’re talented and you’re good looking.

Kate: Oh, you’re sweet and cute.

Joey: I know! That’s why they trashed me!

(They kiss.)

Joey: Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Kate: What?

Joey: I, I don’t get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again.

Kate: What? So you never went out with an actress before?

Joey: Kate, do you even like me?

Kate: Of course I do.

Joey: Well so, how come you blew me off? Y'know? How come you were with him?

Kate: I don’t know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy… Why can’t I just pick someone like you?

Joey: Thanks.

Kate: You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you’re just so, you’re so, so… (She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)

Joey: (Checks to see if she’s drooling on his shirt.) Okay. Okay, okay, hey. (Lays her down and covers her with a blanket.) There we go, let’s get your feet up there. (Looks at her) Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams. (Picks up a garbage can) I’m gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is STILL on hold.]

Hold Voice: Please stay on the line. You’re call is very important to us.

Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Pheebs, you’ve been up for 24 hours! Go to sleep, honey. Th-this isn’t healthy.

Phoebe: No, no, I’m fine, and y’know why? ‘Cause of all the riboflavin.

Joey: (entering, happily) Hey!

Monica: Hey! Didn’t you have that outfit on last night?

Joey: Yeah! I stayed at Kate’s, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya?

Phoebe: I’m so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you’re play. I swear you’re play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. You’re play is the next play is the next play I’m gonna see.

Monica: Anyway, how did it go with Kate?

Joey: Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected, y'know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we stayed up all night talking, and now we’re like totally crazy about each other!

Monica: Joey, you had the night!

Joey: What?

Monica: When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!

Joey: You-you think?

Monica: Did you like learn about her family?

Joey: Two brothers, one died!

Monica: Yes!!

Joey: Yeah?!

Monica: Oh! (They hug, triumphantly.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the chair.]

Gunther: (bringing Chandler a cup) This is from the woman at the bar.

Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho.

(He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers something to Gunther; who comes back and takes the mug away from Chandler.)

Gunther: Sorry. She thought you were somebody else.

Rachel: What time is it?

Monica: One.

Ross: One.

Chandler: 7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch doesn’t work.

Rachel: Tommy’s supposed to be here soon, we’re going to lunch.

Ross: Look. Look, I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but... All right, I don’t think you should be seeing Tommy anymore.

Rachel: You don’t?!

Ross: No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him.

Rachel: Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all men.

Ross: No, it’s not just ‘cause I’m jealous. (Both Monica and Chandler give him a ‘Come on’ look) I mean I’m not, I’m not, I’m not jealous, okay? It’s… Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.

Chandler: Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together!

Ross: Okay, fine, fine. You don’t want to believe me? No, that’s fine. (starts to leave)

Monica: We’re kidding!

Chandler: Ross, don’t. Ross!

Monica; Ross!

[cut to outside of Central Perk]

Ross: You don’t want to believe me, I’m Mr. Funny to you. Mr. Funny… (turns around and almost spills his coffee on Tommy)

Tommy: Whoa!!

Ross: Whoa, sorry Tommy.

Tommy: What’s in the cup, Ross?

Ross: Umm…

Tommy: What is in the cup?!

Ross: Okay, it’s coffee.

Tommy: Ice coffee? Tell me it’s ice coffee!

Ross: It’s-it’s hot…

Tommy: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?!! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?!

[cut to inside Central Perk, we see Ross quietly tapping on the window, desperately trying to get the gang’s attention, while Tommy is still screaming at him]

Rachel: (not seeing Ross) What’s your favourite thing about summertime?

Monica: Umm, going to the beach. When it stays light real late.

Rachel: Yeah…

Tommy: (entering, finished with yelling at Ross, who follows him in shell shocked) (happily) Hey!

Rachel: Tommyyyy! Say, what’s your favourite thing about summer?

Tommy: Ooh, I don’t know. Probably the smell of freshly cut grass.

Chandler: Ohh, that’s a good one.

(Ross is having a fit, about how calm Tommy is now)

[Scene: Backstage at Joey’s play, Joey is arriving, late.]

Joey: Sorry! Sorry, I’m late; sorry, I’m late! My duck and my chick and a fight, it-it was ugly.

Stage Manager: Look, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, let’s go! Let’s go!

[cut to onstage with Lauren standing in for Kate, the doorbell rings.]

Lauren: (answering the door) Vic! Where have you been, baby?!

Joey: (surprised it’s Lauren) (hugs her) (whispering) Where’s Kate?

Lauren: (whispering) She got a job in L.A.

Joey: (stunned) What?!

Lauren: I’ve been waiting up all night for ya. Where have you been? (Joey doesn’t answer) Where have you been? Vic?!

Joey: Oh, ahh, go to the window. I’m wanna run down to the truck and show you something.

Lauren: (at the window, she’s looking down out of the window) What do you got down there, Vic? What do you got under that tarp?

Joey: (grabs the window from the outside and sticks his head in) (whispering) When is she leaving?

Lauren: (whispering) Tonight. What are you doing?

Joey: (making like he is yelling up to the second floor) I’m coming up!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are in the kitchen, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Phoebe is, you guessed it, still on hold.]

Tommy: Hey, mind if I use the phone?

Phoebe: Oh, I… (starts jabbering incoherently)

Chandler: Why don’t you use ours across the hall, ‘cause she…has…problems.

Ross: (coming out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee, almost running into Tommy) Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.

Tommy: Yeah, but you didn’t.

Ross: No, but it’s-it’s-it’s hot!

(We see Tommy go into Joey and Chandler’s apartment)

Rachel: Ross, would you just stop it! It’s getting really old.

Ross: I can’t believe no one believes me!

Phoebe: I do, I believe you.

Ross: You do Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah. But I also believed her (points to the phone) when she said I was next.

[cut to Chandler and Joey’s apartment, Tommy is using the phone]

Tommy: (noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. (picks up the chick) Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? (starts to pet him) Aww. (The chick poops on his hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me, I’m so cute, I’m a little chick who’s disgusting! God, you’re so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! (the duck wattles behind him and quacks) (to the duck) Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!!

(We see the gang staring at him through the doorways.)

Chandler: Step away from the duck.

Tommy: Ooh, sorry little Mr. Chic-A-Dee, sorry you went doody in my hand! (starts to walk out and stops) (to Rachel) Well, I guess we’re not going out anymore. Whaa!!!

(He leaves the gang in stunned silence.)

[Scene: Backstage at Joey’s play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her bags.]

Kate: Joey!

Joey: Hey!

Kate: I’m soo glad I caught you, I couldn’t find you before.

Joey: Wh-wh-what’s going on? Wh-what’s this about L.A.?

Kate: They still want me for General Hospital.

Joey: But, but wh-what about us?

Kate: Last night was wonderful. But I-I can’t stay here just for you.

Joey: Well, so, stay for the museums!

Kate: I’m sorry.

Stage Manager: Joey, onstage!

Joey: Well can you at least stay to the end of the play? I mean, I’ll go to the airport with ya, I-I wanna say good bye.

Lauren: (yelling from onstage) Where are you Vic?

Kate: Flight’s in an hour. I-I gotta go.

Lauren: Vic! Vic! Vic!!!

Joey: (to Lauren) In a minute!!

[cut to the end of the play]

Lauren: So this is it? Victor?

Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick ‘cause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, you’ve got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, (smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But I won’t have aged at all. (gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, I’m gonna want to meet her.

(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7, and Kate waves good bye.)

Lauren: So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you y'know.]

Monica: Phoebe, it’s been two days.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it’s one of those 801 numbers. Right?

Ross: Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah.

Phoebe: No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it’s has to be 800. (picks up the instruction manual to check the phone number) ‘Cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every one. (Finds the number) Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.

Rachel: Phoe-be!!

Phoebe: Sorry, I’m so sorry, I will pay you back.

Chandler: And yet, she’s still not hanging up the phone.

All: Hang it up! Hang up the phone!!

Phoebe: Fine! Fine! (slams the phone down, breaking it) Oh-oh!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Well, I think I broke it. But that’s all right, here’s the number you can call.

Monica: (sarcastic) Oh.

End

The One With Ross's Thing

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are playing with the duck and the chick.]

Joey: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.

Chandler: Or... Dick.

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Chandler and Joey: Hey.

Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something.

Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better?

Ross: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body.

Joey: (with a disgusted look) What was it?

Ross: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. (starts to take off his pants)

Chandler and Joey: Whoa!!!

Chandler: No!!

Ross: Come on you guys, it's no big deal! (He turns around and shows him his thing.)

Chandler: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh.

Ross: Well what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to them, and they jump back.)

Joey: No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.

Ross: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple?

Chandler: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a…

Rachel: (entering, interrupting them) Hey guys! What's... (sees what they're doing and stops, the guys are stunned)

Chandler: Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter.

Ross: Ahhh.

Joey: Yeah, right.

(Rachel backs out with a confused look on her face.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her date.]

Phoebe: (to her date) Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music. (points to the stage)

Vince: Good deal.

Phoebe: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people.

Rachel: Hi!

Chandler: Hey!

Vince: Hey!

Phoebe: Vince is a fireman.

Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before?

Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force.

Chandler: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred.

Vince: (dead serious) Fire safety is not a joke, son.

Chandler: You're right, I know.

Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. (kisses her) See you Saturday. (leaves)

Phoebe: Okay. (watches him leave)

Rachel: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher.

Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight.

Rachel: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you.

Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler.

Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other?

Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an `I don't know' face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Okay, no they don't.

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Hi!

(He goes over and sits down at the counter, all depressed.)

Joey: (going over to him) Well?!

Chandler: (joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's?

Ross: Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally benign.

Joey: Well what is it?!

Ross: He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin... abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it.

Chandler: Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples.

Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name.

Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."

Ross: (sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool!

[cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom]

Monica: Pete's breaking up with me.

All: What?!

Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk.

Rachel: And?

Monica: Well that's it. People never say `We need to talk' unless it's something bad.

Joey: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you.

Monica: Really?!

Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking with her second date, Jason.]

Jason: ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life.

Phoebe: That is so great! Oh, I... (sees that a parked car near them has caught on fire) Oh my God!

Jason: Whoa!

Phoebe: (the fire has worsened) Oh my God!!!

Jason: Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department!

Phoebe: (stopping him) No! No!

Jason: No, no?

Phoebe: Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic. (hears the sound of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out of here!

Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?!

Phoebe: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? (she drags him away)

[Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.]

Ross: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!

Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. (Ross starts to take off his pants) What are you doing?

Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple.

Dr. Rhodes: Well that's not a third nipple.

Ross: No?

Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass.

Ross: Well then, what is it?!

Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?

Dr. Johnson: I'm with Hamilton!

Dr. Rhodes: He's good with rear things, bring him in too.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there.]

Monica: (starting to get up) I gotta go water Pete's plants. (stops) Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.

Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean.

Joey: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them.

Phoebe: (entering with Rachel) …and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy.

Rachel: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them?

Phoebe: (disgusted) Uh.

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?

Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field.

Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them.

Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more?

Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly. (giggles)

Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.

Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.

Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy.

Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy!

Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.

[Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted look on his face.]

Ross: Y'know I have dinner plans!!

Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm stumped.

(He removes the blanket covering the thing.)

All: Whoa. (they all lean in to get a closer look, Ross isn't pleased)

[Scene: Pete's apartment, Monica is there to water the plants, and is showing the gang around.]

Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! (the lights turn on automatically, but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights! Lights go away! (they dim) Oh, see you just need to find the right command.

Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch.

Joey: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV.

Monica: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything.

Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable.

Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) This place is amazing.

Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen.

Monica: I know.

Phoebe: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day.

Joey: Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook.

Monica: Joey, put that down! (the phone rings) Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front of it, and automatically answers it)

Pete: Monica? (the gang ducks and hides)

Monica: I guess that's how.

Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going.

Monica: Oh it’s umm, good! It's umm, it’s good, just here watering the plants.

Pete: Well don't forget that fiches over there by Rachel.

Rachel: (standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!!

Pete: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever.

All: (standing up) Hey Pete.

Joey: Hi, how ya doing?

Monica: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good news or bad news.

Pete: Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I have another call. (clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it going?

Monica: Oh no-no-no, it's still me.

Pete: Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. (to other caller) Yeah. (listens) Yeah, okay. I'm gonna have to call you back later. (pause) Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back.

Monica: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon.

Pete: Okay, I love you.

Monica: I love you.

All: I love you, love you.

Monica: Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good news.

Chandler: So, what do you thing the good news is?

Joey: (looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is?

[pause]

Monica: Oh my.

Rachel: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!!

Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom!

(Pete's computer automatically calls Mom, Pete's Mom.)

Pete's Mom: Hello.

Monica: And that's Pete's Mom.

(The gang quickly hides again.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is returning from Pete’s.]

Rachel: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, “Look how much money we’ve got!” Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it’ll be dry, but people will like it.

Monica: Would you stop? We’ve only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don’t even know if he’s gonna propose.

Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He’s not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that’s like a third or fourth date kinda thing.

Monica: Well if-if that’s what it is, then it’s-it’s crazy.

Ross: Monica’s right. We’re talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can’t just rush into this.

Rachel: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian!

(Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.)

Phoebe: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince.

Chandler: Oh, so you’re going with the teacher, huh?

Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it’s just Jason’s so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it’s just better than having just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt. (Her eyes glaze over thinking about the butt.) (pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck!

All: Good luck!

(pause)

Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what it’d be like to catch the money bouquet.

[Scene: A Fire House, Phoebe has gone to break up with Vince.]

Phoebe: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here?

Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?!

Vince: Yo!! (slides down that pole that fire station’s have)

Phoebe: Wow! I didn’t know you guys actually used those.

Vince: So, what’s up?

Phoebe: Umm, wow. This-this isn’t gonna be easy. Umm, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

Vince: Uh-huh. G-good deal.

Phoebe: I’m sorry.

Vince: No-no it’s okay. It’s just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and… (starts choking up) That there’s so much in me I have to share with you yet.

Phoebe: Oh my God, I didn’t…

Vince: (starting to cry) I’m sorry, I can’t talk. I’m gonna go write in my journal. (walks away)

Phoebe: (running after him) Wait-wait-wait! Wait!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]

Phoebe: (to Ross) I’m telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy.

Ross: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don’t want to make it savory.

Monica: Y'know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they tell their friends about it.

Ross: Gimme this. (Grabs the herbalist’s card and leaves.)

Rachel: (entering) Hi! Okay, don’t be mad at me, but I couldn’t resist.

Monica: Brides magazines?

Rachel: Yes, and I know that you’d say no if he asked you, but I’m sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. (shows her the picture.)

Phoebe: (gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. (They both look at her.) Like for clubbing.

Monica: It is so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. (Rachel slams the magazine shut in amazement.) I know it’s a little sudden, and it’s a little rushed, and it’s totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn’t mean I can’t. Right? I mean I’m-I’m crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy.

Rachel: Oh my God. (starting to cry)

Monica: I know. (pause) I need more pie. (goes and gets some)

Phoebe: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?

Rachel: You didn’t break up with that fireman?

Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he’s incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.

Rachel: Wow!

Phoebe: Yeah, well he’d prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

Monica: So then, are you going to dump Jason?

Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and… Okay so Jason is sensitive, (holds up one finger) but now so’s Vince (holds up one finger on her other hand) Plus, Vince has the body y'know? (holds up two more fingers on the Vince side) So… It’s really just about the math.

[Scene: Jason’s apartment, Phoebe has gone to break up with Jason.]

Phoebe: (knocks on the door) Jason?

Jason: Yeah, come on in.

(She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It turns out that he has a great body too, and is at a loss for words.)

Jason: So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong?

Phoebe: Nah-ha!

[Scene: Phoebe’s Herbal Guy’s office, Ross is there about his thing. Ross is looking around the exam room, and he goes over to a large bank of drawers, pulls one out and almost spills it as the herbalist, Guru Saj, enters.]

Guru Saj: You must be Ross.

Ross: Hi.

Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces)

Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I’ve-I’ve never been to a guru before, so...

Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I’ve attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let’s take a look at this skin abnormality of yours. (motions to the table) Come on, have a seat. (looks at it) Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it’s a koondis!

Ross: What’s a koondis?

Guru Saj: I don’t know, what’s a koondis with you? (starts laughing as if that joke was funny, Ross only looks at him, and he stops) Please, lie down! I’ve got a sav that oughta shrink that right up.

Ross: I guess it’s worth a try.

Guru Saj: Oh sure, we should see results—Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!! (quickly wipes it off)

Ross: What?! What?!

Guru Saj: We appear to have angered it.

Ross: We?! We angered it?!

Guru Saj: Oh, I think I see the problem. And I’m afraid we’re gonna have to use a much stronger tool. (Ross gives him a ‘What?’ look) Love.

Ross: Oh God!

Guru Saj: (He starts moving his hands around in circles above the thing.) Ross, there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to…

Ross: Ow!!

Guru Saj: Oops.

Ross: What was, what was that?

Guru Saj: Well it’s gone.

Ross: What?! How’s that?

Guru Saj: It got caught on my watch.

Ross: Hey! (congratulates him)

[Scene: Pete’s apartment, Pete and Monica are coming back from a date.]

Pete: Lights. (The lights turn on, once again they’re too bright.) Uh, romantic lights. (The lights dim.)

Monica: Ooh, nice.

Pete: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.

Monica: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that.

Pete: Well ah, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life…

Monica: Yeah?

Pete: And I feel like I’ve conquered the business world, and I feel like I’ve conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world.

Monica: Wow.

Pete: There’s one thing missing.

Monica: What’s that?

Pete: It’s time for me to conquer the physical world.

Monica: Okay. (not sure of herself)

Pete: Monica, I want to become (pause) the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Monica: You wanna what?!

Pete: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It’s the most intense physical competition in the world, it’s banned in 49 states!

Monica: What are you talking about?

Pete: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian street fighting, I’ve even had my own octagon training ring designed.

Monica: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that.

Pete: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think?

Monica: My parents will be so happy.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe’s singing, Vince is also there.]

Phoebe: (singing) “Crazy underwear, creepin’ up my butt. (Jason enters) Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under-(sees Jason)-wear…” (In her head) Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You’ll get through this; you’ll be fine. (She tries to continue the song, but she has lost the ability to pronounce words, and the lyrics come out as gibberish.) (giving up on the song) Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show.

(They all applaud her.)

Jason: (going up to her) Hey. I was…

Phoebe: Hey!

Jason: I was passin’ by and I saw that you were playing tonight, it’s kinda cool seeing you up there. (kisses her)

Vince: (running over) Whoa! Hey-hey! What’s going on here? Who is this guy?

Phoebe: I don’t know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince!

Vince: What?!

Jason: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, I’ve-I’ve been dating both of you, and it’s been really horrible. ‘Cause y'know it’s been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn’t know how to chose, so... I’m sorry, I’m just, I’m terrible, I’m a terrible person. I’m terrible.

Vince: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it’s okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive.

Jason: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break.

Phoebe: Really?!

Jason: Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven’t been going out that long. Come on, we haven’t even slept together yet. Huh.

Vince: You haven’t?

Jason: You have?

Phoebe: Well, this is none of my business. (starts to walk away)

Jason: (to Phoebe) I-I can’t believe this! You-you’ve slept with him?!

Phoebe: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park.

Jason: Y'know Phoebe, I’m gonna make this real easy for you. (walks out)

Phoebe: (to Vince) Well, that could’ve been really awkward.

Vince: You made him a candle light dinner in the park?

Phoebe: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I’m gonna do that for you.

Vince: Uh yeah, I can’t believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. (walks out)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Guru Saj’s office: Joey and Chandler have taken the duck to see the guru.]

Chandler: (comforting the duck) Everything’s gonna be all right. Okay, Dick?

Guru Saj: (entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj-(sees the duck)-Whoa!! (to Joey) That’s supposed to be a duck right? ‘Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league.

Joey: Yeah, yeah. He’s got a, he’s got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can’t do anything about it. Is there something you can do?

Guru Saj: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?

(The duck starts to frantically flap his wings, while Joey is holding him, in an attempt to get away.)

End

The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion

Story by: Mark J. Kunerth & Pang-ni Landrum

Teleplay by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang minus Monica is there.]

Chandler: Do you think that there’s a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as you’re driving into town there’s-there’s like a sign, and it says “You’re in Sample.” (He says it like urine sample.)

Monica: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey!

Rachel: How’d it go with Pete?!

Joey: Tell us!

Monica: You’re not gonna believe this. Okay, so I go over...

[Two guys walk over and interrupt her. They’re both names you’ve already heard. One’s Billy Crystal. Yes, that Billy Crystal from City Slickers. The other one is Robin Williams. Yes, that Robin Williams from Mrs. Doubtfire.]

Billy Crystal: I’m sorry. Ex-excuse us. I’m sorry, it’s a little crowded. Do you mind if we... (motions to the couch)

Robin Williams: Yeah, could you scooch?

Billy: Yeah, move over just a little bit.

(Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey all scooch over to let them sit down.)

Robin: Keep on scooching.

[cut to Monica telling the gang about what happened at Pete’s]

Monica: So guys, listen, I go over there, and umm...

(Robin interrupts her again by complaining loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.)

Robin: Why? Why?! What’s wrong with me?!

Billy: What’s the matter?

Robin: I have a feelin’... I, my wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist.

(The gang is now eaves dropping in on the conversation, and is shocked.)

Billy: How do you know?

Robin: Well y'know, he’s got access.

Billy: Yeah.

Robin: Y'know it’s that feeling you get, y'know?

Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know you’re in somebody else’s shoes?

Robin: That’s the one.

[cut back to the gang.]

Phoebe: All right, so, so you went to Pete’s...

Ross: What happened?

Monica: (Robin is speaking loudly again) I...

[cut to Billy and Robin]

Robin: Why is this happening to me?! I don’t know, maybe it’s my wound.

[cut to the gang]

Monica: Forget it. (they all turn and listen to Billy and Robin)

Billy: So it’s-it’s not heeled yet?

Robin: No-no, it’s ooozing, oozing. (to Rachel) Could you pass me the cream? Is there any—Oh, there’s the cream.

Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and nobody else.

Robin: What is it, Tim?

Billy: It’s me, I’ve been sleeping with your wife.

Joey: (to Billy) So you’re the gynaecologist?

Billy: (to Joey) Hey, I’m trying to have a private conversation! Is that okay?!

Robin: (starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I have a napkin, please? Could you please hand me a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow for his tastes.) Would you--Give me this thing (grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!! Enough! (to Billy) And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! (gets up to leave) Nada!! No more! You are a bastard for doing this!! (Billy follows him) Get away from me!!

Billy: Thomas, come back here! (they both leave)

[cut to the gang, they’re all stunned]

Phoebe: So Monica, what were you gonna tell us?

Monica: (pause) I have no idea.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?

Phoebe: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don’t take his name.

Monica: He didn’t ask me to marry him.

All: Ohh.

Phoebe: Well then definately don’t take his name.

Monica: He wanted to tell me he’s gonna compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy.

The Guys: Pete?!

Rachel: Why?! What is it?

Monica: I don’t know exactly. It’s-it’s sorta like wrestling.

Phoebe: (intrigued) Oh?!

Monica: Yeah, but without the costumes.

Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh.

Joey: And it’s not fake, it’s totally brutal.

Chandler: Yeah, it’s two guys in a ring, and the rules are: “They’re are no rules.”

Monica: So you can like, bite, and pull people’s hair and stuff?

Ross: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking.

Monica: What’s fish hooking?

Ross: Huh, what’s fish hooking... (Joey sticks his finger in Ross’s mouth and pulls on his cheek, y'know like when you hook a fish.) (to Joey, sarcastic) Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste?

Joey: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath.

[Scene: Chandler’s office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss.]

Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. It’s good to have you guys on my team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, let’s go out there and get ‘em! Huh? And remember, there is no ‘I’ in team.

Chandler: Yes, but there’s two in martini, soo everybody back to my office.

Doug: (to Chandler) You! Chuckles! What’s your name?

Chandler: Oh it’s Bing, sir. I’m sorry , I was just ah...

Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is about hard work, but it’s also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is making reservations.]

Ross: (on phone) That’s right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder for six. (listens) Thank you. (hangs up) (to the gang) Yeah, we have the reservations.

Rachel: Yes!!

Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! (smacks him on the butt)

Ross: (stunned) Dude, what are you doing?

Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.

Phoebe: Yeesh, what’d you do about it?

Chandler: Well, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.

Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it’s okay to be that guy.

Joey: Yeah, maybe it’s like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns. (pats Ross on the butt)

(Ross throws his hands out in a “What are you doing?” gesture)

Rachel: Y'know I don’t, I don’t understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin’ her boob.

Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between ‘em.

Monica: Okay, can we please go eat?

Joey: Yeah. What are we getting?

Monica: (to Chandler) Anything but stew.

Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don’t give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know just ah, don’t turn your back to him.

Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. (thinking aloud) Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?

Chandler: (to Ross and Monica) What if Joey were president?

(Monica, Ross, Chandler, and Joey exit.)

Phoebe: Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you something?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a date?

Rachel: Oh, ah with who?

Phoebe: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two aren’t together, she asked if I could set it up, but if you’re not cool with it...

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again?

Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She’s yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald...

Rachel: Oh! (laughs) That’s fine.

Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt)

[Scene: A Gym, Pete is training for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, with his trainer, Hoshi.]

Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half?

Pete: I told you, we’re adding new operators all the time. Could we concentrate on my training?

Hoshi: It’s just hard when I know I have e-mail I can’t get!

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Pete: Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi honey.

Hoshi: All right, on the table. (Pete gets on the table for his rubdown)

Monica: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don’t want you to get hurt, ‘cause I kinda like you.

Pete: Oh, believe me, I don’t want to get hurt either. I’m being smart about this. See these guys? They’re the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be a house painter.

Monica: Promise me you’ll be careful.

Pete: I promise.

Monica: Hey, are we still on for tonight?

Pete: Yeah.

Monica: Okay, good, ‘cause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout of our own...

Hoshi: No! No boom-boom before big fight!

Monica: How ‘bout just a boom?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with Bonnie, as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies?

Phoebe: Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. (who has hair by the way)

Bonnie: Hi!

Rachel: This is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie? (to Bonnie) You’re Bonnie?

Bonnie: I can show you an ID if you want?

Rachel: Oh no, I’m sorry, you look a lot different from the last time I-I saw you.

Bonnie: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again.

Rachel: Oh, that must be it.

Phoebe: (to Bonnie) Well I hope you have fun tonight.

Bonnie: Thanks! You too.

(Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly follows, shocked about how good Bonnie looks now.)

[cut to outside of Central Perk]

Rachel: (to Phoebe) You said she was bald.

Phoebe: Yeah, she was bald, she’s not now.

Rachel: How could you not tell me that she has hair?

Phoebe: I don’t know, I hardly ever say that about people.

Rachel: (looks in the window) Ohh, well, this is just perfect!

Phoebe: Well I’m sorry, I thought you said it was okay.

Rachel: Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean, y'know, that girl has hair got all over head!

Phoebe: Well, maybe it won’t work out. Maybe Ross won’t like her personality.

Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality?

Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnie’s the best!

[Scene: Chandler’s office, Chandler is bent over getting some water as his boss approaches.]

Doug: Bing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and turns around to face him.) Read your Computech proposal, a real homerun. (He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler slides over making him miss.) Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. (Chandler goes over) Wham! (slaps him on the butt) Good one. That was a good one. (to a couple of Chandler’s co-workers) Keep at it team. (goes into his office)

Chandler: (to his co-workers) What is with him?

Phil: With him? You’re is favourite, you’re his guy!

Stevens: We never get smacked.

Chandler: Well, that’s not true, he-he smacked you once.

Phil: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me.

Stevens: I’m telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting Dartmouth in the fall.

Doug: (coming out of his office) Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks. Did you go to Dartmouth Bing?

Chandler: No sir.

Doug: There you go. (smacks him on the butt)

[Scene: The Ultimate Fighting Championship, Ross and Monica are there watching Pete.]

Ross: (walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey!

Monica: God Ross, what is that?

Ross: Yeah, it’s the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents, plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!!

Announcer: From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut! He’s known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!!

[Pete enters with his entourage all pumped up, and Ross and Monica are the only ones who stand up and cheer.]

Monica: I love you, Pete!!!

Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! He’s a 300 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!!

(The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one boo-ing him.)

Monica: (going up to the ring) Pete! Pete!! That guy’s pretty huge!

Pete: Don’t worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponent’s strength and weight against him.

Ross: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble.

(Pete and Monica kiss, and Monica mouths “I love you.” to him.)

Ross: All right! You go get him! Let’s go!

Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to Tank Abbott) Are you ready? (He nods, and takes out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods, “Yes.”) Let’s get it on!!

(They both rush each other. Tank picks Pete up and carries him over and slams him into the fence surrounding the ring.)

Pete: Uh-oh.

(Tank carries Pete over to the other side of the ring, and we see both Ross and Monica wince in pain.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Arena, after the fight. Monica is walking up to a defeated Pete.]

Monica: Hey! (she sits down next to him) It’s me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of you.

Pete: It would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant “You suck!”

Monica: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now you can just look back at this thing with no regrets.

Pete: What, look back?

Monica: Well, you’re not gonna get going are you?

Pete: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?

Monica: Well, no. But...

Pete: Well I’m not gonna stop until I’m the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Monica: That guy stood on your neck until you passed out!

Pete: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dad’s garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.

Monica: You didn’t know that already?

Pete: Look, I’m gonna get better. Okay? I promise you.

Monica: Okay, just get a lot better. (pause) Fast.

Pete: Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you being ringside may have affected my concentration.

Monica: Yeah. That-that was the problem.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross and Phoebe are grilling some burgers and hot dogs.]

Monica: (joining them) Hey.

Ross: Hey! How long until Pete’s fight?

Monica: Oh, about five minutes. Right now they’re interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.

Ross: Hot dog?

Monica: Four, please. (Ross looks at her) I’m really nervous. (Ross gives her the four dogs) Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back inside)

Phoebe: So Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie?

Ross: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn’t expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually wasn’t expecting to like anyone right now, but she’s really terrific.

Phoebe: Ohh, that’s too bad!

Ross: No, I-I’m saying I liked her.

Phoebe: Yeah, y'know what, there are other fish in the sea.

Ross: Pheebs, I think she’s great. Okay? We’re going out again.

Phoebe: Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about any thing else?

Chandler: (joining them) Hey! Which one’s my turkey burger?

Ross: Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry.

Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Hey, the fight’s starting!

Ross: Okay, we’ll be right in. (to Chandler) So ah, did your boss try to slap you again today?

Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it’s gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I’m conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.

Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Fight’s over!

(Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all stop dead in their tracks at the news.)

[Scene: Chandler’s office, Chandler is confronting his boss about the butt smacking thing. His boss is writing on a white board.]

Chandler: Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey there sports fan!!

Doug: (turning around) Bing! You got those numbers for me?

Chandler: No, I ah, I didn’t do them.

Doug: Oh, you forgot?

Chandler: No, no I just ah, didn’t do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don’t deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise.

Doug: Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi Bridge never looked smaller. (laughs) That’s okay, you’re still my number one guy! (slaps him on the butt) Bing!

Chandler: Doug!!

Doug: Hmm.

Chandler: I’m a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself.

Doug: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass!

Chandler: No, no. It-it’s not about the swearing, it’s more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock.

Doug: Oh?

Chandler: Oh, and don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It’s just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it’s making all the other guys jealous.

Doug: Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing! You’re okay.

Chandler: Okay. (he starts to leave)

Doug: Ha! (goes to smack him on the butt, but stops, faking Chandler out) Ahhhhhhh!

Chandler: Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating shooting himself in the head)

[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are talking and walking.]

Phoebe: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain?

Rachel: (seeing Ross and Bonnie inside Central Perk) Oh my God! Phoebe look, it’s Ross and that girl.

(We see Ross and Bonnie laughing and having a good time.)

Phoebe: No! No! Look at that! (drags her away from the window) It’s a line of ants! They’re working as a team!

Rachel: Phoebe! (goes back to the window)

Phoebe: (looking in the window) Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let’s go.

Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay that’s, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that’s what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh...

Phoebe: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive.

Rachel: Ohh! (walking away from the window) Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, he’s gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.

Phoebe: You said it was okay!

Rachel: You said she was bald!!

Phoebe: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!!

Rachel: Phoebe, we can’t, we just can’t just let it happen! Okay, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl!!

Phoebe: Okay, first of all, breathe. Second of all, I don’t get it. Aren’t you the one that decided that you didn’t want to be with Ross?

Rachel: (quietly) Yes.

Phoebe: Well isn’t he your friend? Don’t you want him to be happy?

Rachel: Yes.

Phoebe: So?

Rachel: I just y'know, I didn’t expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! (sits down on the curb)

Phoebe: (sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh no.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Oh, we killed them all.

Rachel: Oh!

(They both jump up and wipe off their butts.)

[Scene: A locker room, Pete is in a full upper-body cast. Monica enters, sees him, and gasps. Pete tries to turn around, and winces in pain.]

Pete: It’s okay, it’s not as bad as it looks, it’s a precaution. Ah, I’m not supposed to move my spine.

Monica: Please tell me you’re stopping now.

Pete: I’m fine! I’d fight tonight, if they’d let me. (stands up and starts swinging his arms) See this circle I’m marking off here? This is my zone of terror.

Monica: You are insane! You-you gotta give this up!

Pete: I can’t until I’m the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I’m telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, I’m not saying I could beat Superman, but y'know, kids are stupid.

Monica: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!!

Pete: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam’s Apple, but that really hurt.

Monica: Well then, y'know what? I care about you to much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then you’re gonna have to do it without me.

Pete: Well if you’re asking me to quit, then you’re asking me to be someone I’m not. I’ve got to do this.

Monica: Then I’ve gotta go. Bye. (kisses him and starts to walk out)

Pete: Mon-Monica?

Monica: Yes?

Pete: Could you leave a note? ‘Cause I’m on a lot of pain killers now, and I don’t know if I’ll remember this tomorrow. (She leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler’s office, he is just finishing up a meeting with his boss and the rest of his team.]

Doug: So, in conclusion, the lines all go up (points to the chart), so I’m happy. Great job team! Tomorrow at 8:30. (They start to leave) Phil! Nice job. (smacks him on the butt) Stevens! Way to go! (smacks him on the butt) Joel-burg, you maniac! I love ya! (smacks him on the butt) (Chandler walks up) Bing! Good job, couldn’t have done it without ya. (he shakes his hand)

Chandler: Thank you, sir.

Stevens: (coming back in) Oh, excuse me. I forgot my briefcase y'know, by accident.

Doug: Of course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! (smacks him on the butt) (to Chandler) Well, what about you? You’re not feeling left out or anything are ya?

Chandler: No. No, not at all, that’s-that’s ridiculous.

Doug: Everybody else got one, and you want one too. Don’t you?

Chandler: Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do!

Doug: Now get on out of here, you! (smacks him on the butt)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is watching Pete fight on TV. Monica is hiding in the kitchen, not watching.]

TV Announcer: Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, he’s just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just...

Chandler: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak!

Rachel: Oh, I can’t watch this. (turns her eyes away)

Joey: Check it out, he’s winning! (to Monica) Pete’s winning!

Monica: Really?!

Joey: No-o-o!!

TV Announcer: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favourite area.

All: Oh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror)

Phoebe: Wait, if that’s his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it?

Ross: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn’t want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can’t.

All: Ohh!! (they all start pointing at the screen)

End

The One At The Beach

Story by: Pan-ni Landrum & Mark J. Kunerth

Teleplay by: Adam Chase

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe is there. Bonnie is telling them of her sex-capades.]

Chandler: (to Bonnie) So ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?!

Bonnie: All right, I was 15, it was my best friend, Ruth, and we got drunk on that hard cider, and then suddenly, I don’t know, we were, we were making out.

Chandler: Tell it again. (pause, we see Rachel is not amused.) Seriously.

[cut to Rachel and Monica at the counter.]

Rachel: (to Monica) I mean is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?

Joey: Yeah, sure. Well y'know, earlier she was talking about geography.

Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she’s done it in.

Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

Phoebe: (entering, hurridly) Hey, you guys! Look what I found! Look at this! (She hands Chandler a picture) That’s my Mom’s writing! Look.

Chandler: (reading the back of the picture) Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965.

Phoebe: Y'know what that means?

Joey: That you’re actually 50?

Phoebe: No-no, that’s not, that’s not me Phoebe, that’s her pal Phoebe. According to her high school yearbook, they were like B.F.F. (Ross and Bonnie look at her quizzically) Best Friends Forever.

All: Oh!

Rachel: That is so cool.

Phoebe: I know! So this woman probably could like have all kinds of stories about my parents, and she might even know like where my Dad is. So I looked her up, and she lives out by the beach. So maybe this weekend we could go to the beach?

All: Yeah! Yeah, we can!

Bonnie: (to Ross) Shoot! I can’t go, I have to work!

Ross: That’s too bad.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Ohh, big, fat bummerrr.

Phoebe: So great! Okay! Tomorrow we’re gonna drive out to Montauk.

Joey: Hey, Bonnie had sex there!

(Rachel turns and gives him a look, and Joey quickly apologises.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are waiting for Phoebe to arrive with the cab.]

Monica: (watching a happy couple walk by, arm in arm) Would you look at them. Am I ever gonna find a boyfriend again? I gonna die an old maid.

Chandler: You’re not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook.

Monica: (sarcastic) Thanks!

Chandler: Hey now besides, if worst comes to worst, I’ll be your boyfriend.

(At that suggestion Monica starts laughing.)

Monica: Yeah right.

Chandler: Why is that so funny?

Monica: You made a joke right? So I laughed.

Chandler: Ha-ha-ha. A little to hard. What am I not ah, boyfriend material?

Monica: Well, no. You’re Chandler. Y'know, Chandler! (hits him on the arm)

Chandler: Okay, so we’ve established my name, and hit me. But theoretically y'know, I mean say we weren’t friends, say it’s a blind date. I show up at your door, and I’m like (in a fake voice) “Hey, nice to meet, ya. Hey, oh-hey.”

Monica: Well I’d probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.

Joey: (walking up carrying a brown paper bag) Hey!

Monica: Oh, hey! Oh good, you brought food!

Joey: No, it’s just my luggage.

(Phoebe drives up.)

Chandler, Monica, and Joey: Hey!!

Joey: Woo-hoo! All right! Yeah!

Phoebe: Oh, I am having the best karma this week. First, I find this woman who knew my parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house.

Ross: Yeah? What about ah, that bike messenger you hit?

Phoebe: Oh, I wasn’t talking about his karma.

Rachel: (approaching) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey-hey, check out the hat!

(She is wearing this giant straw hat, the brim on it must be at least, least foot wide.)

Chandler: What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can’t have children!!

Monica: Seriously, where did you get the hat?

Rachel: Ross gave it to me.

Ross: Yeah, I think she looks good.

Rachel: Ohh, thank you.

Chandler: Buy it for ya, or win it for ya?

Rachel: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back.

Phoebe: And this time, they’ve ganged up to form one giant, super hat.

[Scene: At the Beach, it’s raining cats and dogs as the gang arrives. Chandler and Monica are taking shelter under Rachel’s hat.]

Ross: Go, go, go!

Rachel: Oh yeah, now everybody wants to be under this hat!

(They get inside and notice on small problem.)

Phoebe: Oy!!

Monica: What’s with all this sand? (picking a handful of sand off of the floor, which is covered in sand)

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, Bob said there might be flood damage.

Ross: Yeah, either that, or he has a really big cat.

[Scene: Phoebe Sr. house, she is a real estate agent and is trying to sell a house over the phone. By the way, it’s still raining outside.]

Phoebe Sr: Well, yes, it’s kind’ve an unusual house. It has umm, three beautiful bedrooms and ah, no baths. But y'know, the ocean is right there.

Phoebe: (at the door) Knock, knock, knock.

Phoebe Sr: (on phone) Ah, oh, hang on a second. (to Phoebe) Come in, come in. (on phone) All right, so think about it, and call me back. (hangs up)

Phoebe: (entering) Are you ah, Phoebe Abott?

Phoebe Sr: Ahh, yes.

Phoebe: Hi Phoebe Abott, I’m your best friends daughter!

Phoebe Sr: You’re Erwin’s daughter?!

Phoebe: No, I-I mean your-your old best friend, here. (hands her the picture) Lily, from high school. Remember?

Phoebe Sr: Oh gosh, Lily, yes. Of course I remember Lily. I... Then you must be?

Phoebe: (points to herself) Phoebe. (points to her) Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah. She named me after you I guess.

Phoebe Sr: Uh-huh. Wow! Well, look! There’s Frank. (points to the picture.)

Phoebe: Yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!! That’s my Dad, that’s Frank! Yeah! I’m sorry I’m getting all flingy.

Phoebe Sr: Take it easy--if you want, there’s cookies on the counter, or, or--sangria! (jumps up) I can make sangria!

Phoebe: No-no, sorry. Cookies are good, thanks.

Phoebe Sr: Oh.

Phoebe: (goes and gets some cookies) Well, so, umm, anyway umm, I’ve been, I’ve been looking for my Father, and umm, have you heard from him, or seen him?

Phoebe Sr: Oh no, I-I’m sorry, I guess we lost track of everybody after high school.

Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh, okay. Well, so tell me everything about my parents. Everything.

Phoebe Sr: Ohh, well. Y'know we were always together, in fact the had a nickname for the three of us.

Phoebe: Oh, what? What was it?

Phoebe Sr: The three losers. Oh, poor Lily. (Phoebe notices a picture on the fridge, takes it, and puts it in her pocket.) Ohh, y'know I-I heard about what happened, that must have been just terrible for you, losing your mother that way.

Phoebe: (happily) Yeah, no, it was great.

[Scene: The beach house, it’s still raining. Chandler is building a sand castle, Rachel is doing Monica’s nails, and they’re all drinking margaritas, obviously bored.]

Joey: (getting an idea) Hey, y'know what a really good rainy day game is?

Monica: What?!

Joey: I mean naked game. Strip poker, we should totally play strip poker.

All: No, no!

Monica: What are you crazy?!

Joey: Come on! When you go away, you-you have to play, it’s like a law!

Rachel: (to Monica) Allll done!

Monica: Aww, thank you.

Rachel: Okay, who’s next?! (She looks around the room, and stops when she comes to Ross.)

Ross: No-o-o! (Rachel gives him a “Please?” look.) No way!

Rachel: Come on, please?! I’m boredddd! You let me do it once before.

(Ross shoots Joey a look, who shoots Chandler a look, who gives Joey an “Oh my God.” look back.)

Ross: Yeah well, if ah, if that’s the rule this weekend... (She gets up) No!

Rachel: Yes! (she starts creeping up on him)

Ross: Get away!

Rachel: Just once!

Ross: Stay away!

Rachel: Take it like a man, Ross!

Ross: (he gets up and starts to run away from her) No! (in his escape attempt he crushes Chandler’s sand castle) No!

Rachel: Oh, come on!

Chandler: Big bullies!!

(Ross dives over the couch, Rachel goes the other way, and lands up top of him.)

Ross: Ow! Ow! Oh, no-no-no!

(They get into a wrestling match, that ends with Ross making Rachel paint her forehead with the nail polish. They both end up lying next to each other, stop, and look at each other for a moment.)

Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh, so, how are we doing?

Chandler: Bored and bored!

Joey: Hey, you know what naked card game is never boring?

All: Noo!!

Monica: (to Phoebe) So what’s Phoebe like?

Phoebe: I’m kind, caring, and sweet. What’s Monica like?

Monica: Ah no, the other Phoebe, the one you went to go see.

Phoebe: Ohh, I think she knows where my Dad is.

Joey: What?

Rachel: Really?!

Monica: Oh well, where is he?!

Phoebe: She was acting, she was pretending like she hasn’t heard from him on years, but I found this picture on her fridge, and look (shows Monica)! Isn’t this what he would look like now?

Monica: (gasps) Totally familiar. (Phoebe shows the rest of them.)

Rachel: Oh, yeah.

The Guys: Yeah!

Monica: Well, why would she lie to you?

Phoebe: I don’t know, but we’re having dinner tomorrow night, so I figured, she’s gonna tell me then. Y'know maybe she just wanted to give him time to, buy me presents, I don’t know! So, you’re all bored?

All: Ohh!!

Chandler: Yes!

Phoebe: All right, I’m gonna close my eyes and point to someone, and you, whoever I point has to come up with something fun for us to do, and we have to do it.

Joey: Okay, all right.

Phoebe: Okay.

Joey: Fan out! Fan out!

(They do so, and Phoebe gets in the middle, closes her eyes, and starts spinning in a circle.)

Phoebe: Okay. (Starts to spin) Ooh, y'know we could just do this. (She stops at Chandler)

Chandler: Okay, umm, we all have to play strip poker.

Joey: (jumping in triumph) OH YES!!!!!

[cut to later]

Monica: Strip Happy Days Game?

Joey: Yeah, well, I couldn’t find any cards, so it was either this or Strip Bag Of Old Knitting Stuff.

(Monica rolls, and Ross goes first.)

Ross: Okay, (reading the card) Fonzy gives you two thumbs up, collect two cool points. Yeah.

Phoebe: Monica, if you get five cool points, you get to make somebody take off one item of clothing. It hasn’t happened yet, but we’re all very excited.

Ross: Okay, come on! (blows on the dice) Daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics Department! (They all look at him, and he shuts up and rolls the dice.) (he moves his piece) Okay. (reading a card) Take Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point, collect three cool points!! Yeah! Which gives me five, and let’s see who is gonna lose their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pick our strip poker sponsor Mr. Joey Tribianni.

The Girls: Woo-hooooo!!!!

Joey: All right, relax. It’s just a shoe.

All: Wooooo!!!!

[cut to later in the game]

Rachel: (reading a card) Okay, your band is playing at Arnold’s, collect three cool points. Which means, I have five, and that means I get Joey’s boxers!

Joey: Fine. Gang up on me! I got you all right where I want you.

Phoebe: Come on, take ‘em off!!

Joey: Actually, y'know it’s kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a peek at the good stuff?

Rachel: (getting up) All right, I’m gonna make more margaritas! (She pours the rest of the pitcher into Ross’s glass.)

Ross: Whoa, hey! What are doing? Trying to get me drunk?

Rachel: I’m just making margaritas.

Ross: Okay.

Monica: I think I’ll help her out. (She gets up to go over and help Rachel, and reveals she has no pants.) (to Rachel) What is going on here?

Rachel: What?!

Monica: You painting his toenails?

Rachel: Oh, come on!

Monica: Chasing him all around the room?

Rachel: Monica, please?

Monica: He’s totally flirting with you too.

Rachel: (pause) He is, isn’t he? I don’t know, I don’t know, I mean maybe it’s just being here at the beach together or, I don’t know. But it’s like something... (she’s interrupted by the sound of Bonnie entering)

Bonnie: Hey!

Ross: Hey! (Rachel is shocked) Hi Bonnie!

Bonnie: Hi! My boss let me off early, so I took the train.

Ross: Oh.

Bonnie: What are you guys doing?!

Joey: We’re playing Strip Happy Days Game!

Bonnie: Cool! I’ll catch up! (She takes off her sweater.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen eating breakfast.]

Chandler: So, you still don’t think I’m boyfriend material?

Monica: Huh?

Chandler: I saw you checking me out during the game last night.

Monica: You didn’t even take off your pants.

Chandler: Yeah, well, lucky for you.

Monica: What?

Chandler: I don’t know.

Rachel: (entering) Well! Is everybody else having just the best time?!

Phoebe: Shhh! Shhhh! Joey’s asleep.

(Joey is sleeping on the floor and is buried in sand that has been carved into a mermaid complete with breasts.)

Phoebe: After he passed out, we put the sand around him to keep him warm.

Rachel: Well I assume the ah, happy couple isn’t up yet. Did you guys hear them last night?

Chandler: Oh, yeah, I don’t know what they were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually came up to the house.

(Ross and Bonnie enter)

Ross: Good morning.

All: Hey.

Bonnie: Hey! How did everybody sleep?

Rachel: Oh, great.

Monica: Like a log.

Ross and Bonnie: Us too.

Rachel: I’m going for a walk.

(Joey finally wakes up.)

Ross: (to Joey) Good morning. Nice breasts by the way.

(Joey looks down and his look turns from shock to satisfaction.)

[Scene: The porch, Bonnie is coming back from swimming, Rachel is reading.]

Bonnie: Hey, what happened to you?

Rachel: Oh, ah nothin’. I just felt like hangin’ out here and reading.

Bonnie: Oh, the water was sooo great! We jumped off this pier and my suit came off.

Rachel: Ohhhh, sorry I missed that.

Bonnie: Yeah, Joey and Chandler sure are funny.

Rachel: Ohh-ha-ha!

Bonnie: I think I brought back half of the beach in my hair. It was so much easier when I used to shave my head.

Rachel: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I just loved your look when you were bald.

Bonnie: Really?!

Rachel: Ohh!

Bonnie: Because I think about shaving it all off again sometime.

Rachel: Really?!

Bonnie: Yeah!

Rachel: I mean you definitely should do that.

Bonnie: Y'know what, I should do it.

Rachel: Yeah!

Bonnie: Yeah, thank you Rachel, you are soo cool.

Rachel: Awww, stop. Come on. Now go shave that head!

Bonnie: All right.

(As Bonnie goes to do just that, Rachel smiles to herself, proud of what she’s done.)

[Scene: The beach house, at night. Phoebe is hangs up the phone, and gently pushes one of the stools over.]

Joey: What’s the matter, Pheebs?

Phoebe: She cancelled! My namesake cancelled on me!

Joey: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, she clamed she had to go out of town suddenly. She’s avoiding me, she doesn’t want to tell me where my Father is. She knows, and she won’t tell me.

Rachel: Aww Pheebs, that sucks!

Phoebe: Yeah, well, don’t “Aww Pheebs, that sucks!” me yet. (she starts to leave)

Chandler: Where ya going?

Phoebe: Well, she’s out of town so, there’s gotta be something in her house that tells me where my Father is.

Ross: Uh, Pheebs, some people call that breaking and entering.

Phoebe: Well, are any of those people here?!

All: Oh, no!! No, no!

Phoebe: Okay, look I-I-I do something nice, okay? I’ll-I’ll fill her ice trays.

(She exits just as Bonnie comes down the stairs, as bald as Michael Jordan.)

Bonnie: Hey, everybody!

All: Wow!! (they all recoil in shock and horror)

Ross: Wh-haa-haa! Look what ‘cha did! (Rachel has her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.)

Bonnie: You wanna touch it?

Ross: Nooo, but it, but it’s great.

Bonnie: Come on, touch it!

Ross: Okay. (He gently touches it.) You can feel all the bones in your skull.

[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is coming out to talk to Rachel.]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: I was having a little chat with ah, Bonnie, and ah, guess what, she-she happened to bring up y'know, who was behind the um, whole head shaving idea, and now, who was it? Oh, that’s right, that’s right, it was you!

Rachel: That was her idea, I just gave her a nudge.

Ross: She said you gave her the razor!

Bonnie: (joining them) Hey guys.

Rachel: Hey!

Bonnie: So, anyone up for a midnight dip in the ocean?

Ross: Ahh, no, I’m good.

Bonnie: Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.

Ross: Okay, have fun! Wooo!!

Rachel: Come on see, she doesn’t look that bad.

Ross: You can see the moonlight bouncing off her head! What the hell were you thinking?!!

Rachel: I don’t know.

Ross: You don’t know?! Rach, you balded my girlfriend!

Rachel: All right! Ross, do you think it’s easy for me to see you with somebody else?

Ross: Y'know, hey! You’re the one who ended it, remember?

Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you!

Ross: You still love me?

Rachel: Noo.

Ross: You still love me.

Rachel: Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love me!

Ross: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together?

Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don’t know. Ross, I still can’t forgive you for what you did, I can’t, I just, but sometimes when I’m with you I just, I feel so...

Ross: What?!

Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just...

Ross: What?

Rachel: I feel...

(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss, only to be interrupted by Joey and Chandler coming outside.)

Chandler: (to Joey) Noo!! I don’t care! I’m not, I’m not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!

(Rachel and Ross both stop kissing, and quickly step back from each other.)

Joey: But I made cards!!

Rachel: Well! Good night. (to Ross) I’m going upstairs.

Joey and Chandler: G’night.

(Rachel walks inside, stops, and turns back to look at Ross for a moment then goes upstairs.)

Joey: (to Ross) Wanna play strip poker for practice?

[Scene: Phoebe Sr.’s house, Phoebe is breaking in through a window.]

(She throws her bag inside, and starts to climb through the window. She gets halfway in and the window slams shut on her butt.)

Phoebe: Ow! My ass. Okay. Okay. (She manages to climb completely inside and the window slams shut.) Oh, shhh!

(She starts walking across the darkened room and hits her head on a wind chime hanging from the ceiling, to stop it from making a noise she grabs it and “Shhh’s” it. She goes into the kitchen and finds Phoebe Sr.’s appointment book, to read it she opens the freezer. Just as she starts to read, Phoebe Sr. jumps out from her bedroom with a coat hanger, startling Phoebe.)

Phoebe: No! No!! It’s me! It’s me! I-I didn’t want to make any noise!

Phoebe Sr: Then don't break in!!

Phoebe: I’m sorry.

Phoebe Sr: What are you doing here?!

Phoebe: I-I, came to fill your ice cube trays.

Phoebe Sr: What?!

Phoebe: Umm, okay, okay, look. I took this picture from your fridge. Okay, because I know that this is my Father. Yeah, this is Frank Buffay and you are standing right there next to him. Now, look I deserve to know where I came from. All right? So if you can help me find my Father then you should! Otherwise, you’re just mean! (pause) So, just tell me the truth!

Phoebe Sr: All right, the man in the picture is Chuck Magioni.

Phoebe: My Father is Chuck Magioni?

Phoebe Sr: No, no, that’s just Chuck Magioni, I-I sold him a house last year! And I’m very sorry, but I don’t know where your Father is, and that’s the truth.

Phoebe: Oh.

Phoebe Sr: But umm, you’re right. I think that a person should know where they come from. Wh-which is why I ah, (pause) ahh, (pause) okay. I’m your mother.

Phoebe: Heh?

Phoebe Sr: Y'know I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I just, I kinda felt all floopy, and...

(At that Phoebe’s eyes open in shock.)

[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler what happened with Rachel.]

Joey: I’m telling ya, you guys are totally getting back together!

Ross: That’s not true! Her, she doesn’t even know what she wants! Rachel’s still mad about the whole thing.

Chandler: Okay, then you gotta back away, all right? You don’t need that kind’ve hurt. Take it from a guy who’s never had a long term relationship......

Ross: I know, but ahhhhhh!! I really wanna go up there and finish that kiss!

Bonnie: (coming back from her swim) Hey!

Chandler: Ahhhh! (Steps away from her.)

Bonnie: You guys, the water’s great. You should really go in.

Chandler: Oh, ahh, no thanks, I just had an M&M.

Bonnie: Okay, well g’night.

Ross: Good night.

Bonnie: (kisses Ross) Don’t be too long.

Ross: Okey-dokey!

Chandler: There is not one hair on that head.

Ross: Hey, it’ll grow back, right? And she-she’s really fun, and she’s cool, and-and I’m finally moving on. Y'know? I mean getting over Rachel was so (makes an incoherent nasal sound), y'know? Y'know, and I’m finally feeling sane again. And now if I go up there, and-and I kiss her, and, Gooood I wanna kiss her, and-and-and it doesn’t work out, right? Do I really wanna put myself through that again?

Joey: So let me get this straight. If you go with Bonnie tonight, you’re doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on.

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Right, and you go with Rachel, Bonnie’s free tonight?

[Scene: The hallway between the bedrooms. Ross is coming upstairs and stops between two doors. He looks at the one on the right, then he looks at the one on his left, thinks about it, and goes in the one on his right.]

Ross: (entering the bedroom) Hi. (closes the door)

Closing Credits

[Scene: The beach house, Chandler is simulating he’s coming to pick up Monica for a date. Chandler knocks on the door, and Monica answers it.]

Chandler: (in a fake voice) Hi there.

Monica: That’s that weird voice again.

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Let me try it again, you’re gonna wanna date this next guy, I swear!

(Monica closes the door, Chandler knocks, and Monica opens it to reveal Chandler on his knees.)

Chandler: Hi! I’m Dorf! You’re date for the evening. (Monica walks away in disgust) Oh come on! Dorf on dating, that’s good stuff!!

End

The One With The Jellyfish

Written by: Wil Calhoun

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I don’t really know what happened with that.

[cut to Phoebe Sr.’s house, from the last episode]

Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) I’m your mother.

Phoebe: Ehh?

[cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a date.]

Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn’t go out with a guy like Chandler...

Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust)

Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldn’t let it go, and... I don’t really know what happened with that either.

[cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.]

Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Ross’s new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I don’t know what happened there either...

[cut back to Joey on the beach towel]

Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. (gets up and leaves.)

[Scene: The beach house, it’s the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross in front of the two doors of Rachel’s and Bonnie’s rooms, trying to decide which door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.]

Ross: (surprised) Hi!

Rachel and Bonnie: Hi!

Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.

Ross: Awww.

Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million.

Rachel: Oh, you’re welcome a million.

Bonnie: (getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay, I’ll see you in our room.

Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.)

Rachel: (softly) Oh my God.

Ross: I know.

(They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.)

Ross: (stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I gotta go.

Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?!

Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.

Rachel: Here?! Now?!

Ross: Well, yeah. I can’t-I can’t stay here all night, and if I go in there she’s-she’s gonna wanna... do stuff.

Rachel: Well, can’t you tell her that you are not in the mood?

Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn’t work either, I can’t tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...

Rachel: (interrupting) Whoa-ho.

Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that?

Rachel: I don’t know.

(they kiss again)

Ross: Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasn’t every morning.

Rachel: Oh, making it worse!

Ross: Okay.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Phoebe Sr.’s house, it’s right after she told Phoebe that she’s her birth mother.]

Phoebe Sr.: So I guess you’d like to know how it all happened.

Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off!

Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasn’t like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close.

Phoebe: How close?

Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.

Phoebe: I don’t even know how that would work!

Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were...

Phoebe: (interrupting) I’m not asking!

Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it’s like to be eighteen years old?

Phoebe: Yeah. Let’s see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.

Phoebe Sr.: Well, I’m so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didn’t even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don’t know, you’re here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! I’m a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn’t even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and I’m just, I’m gonna do the same thing to you.

Phoebe Sr.: Wait!

Phoebe: I don’t ever want to see you again!

(She walks out and slams the door.)

Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, where’s my purse?

[Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is looking in the fridge.]

Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot! We’re out of soda.

Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, I’ll go out and get you some.

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Nope! Because I’m not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, who’s entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go?

Phoebe: Well, umm, my Mom’s friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom.

(The gang is shocked.)

Chandler: I found a dried up seashores.

Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about?

Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-who’s a big, fat abandoner! (starts to go upstairs)

Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don’t you wanna stay here and talk about it?

Phoebe: No. I’m just, I wanna, I need to be alone.

(She starts to go upstairs.)

Phoebe: (turning around, insistently) Monica!

Monica: Oh.

[Scene: The beach house, Rachel’s bedroom. She is finishing up writing something as Ross walks through the door.]

Ross: It’s over.

Rachel: Oh, was it awful?

Ross: Well, it was loong. I didn’t even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o’clock shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh, then stop themselves quickly.) Anyway, she didn’t want to stay. I called a cab; she just left.

(They kiss.)

Rachel: I wrote you a letter.

Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns away.)

Rachel: (handing him the letter) It’s just some things I’ve been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.

Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow, it’s-it’s 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, I’d better get cracking on this baby.

Rachel: Well, I’ll be waiting for you, just come up when you’re done.

Ross: Okay, I’ll be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting.

[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.]

Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of coffee and resumes reading the letter)

Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why didn’t you come up?

Ross: Done!

Rachel: You just finished?

Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!

Rachel: So umm, does it?

Ross: I’m sorry.

Rachel: Does it?

Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole ‘Does it?’ part just another glance.

Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn’t, and if you have to even think about it...

Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I don’t, I don’t, I don’t have to think about it, in fact, I’ve decided, I’ve decided that, that it.......does.

(Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While hugging her, Ross tries to find the ‘Does it?’ part in the letter.)

Rachel: Are you sure?

Ross: Oh, sure! I’m sure.

Rachel: I know. (Hugs him more violently this time and pushes him back away from the letter.)

[Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.]

Chandler: All right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?

Monica: Ennnh.

Chandler: I’ve got canned goods.

Joey: (jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he is shoulder deep) Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over to the hole.) Check this baby out, dug me a hole!

Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe.

(A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.)

Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!!

Monica: (screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!!

Joey: (climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!! What is it?!

Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!!

Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!

Monica: It’s like two miles!

Joey: Yeah, and I’m a little tired from digging the hole.

Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish!

Chandler: We’ve got to do something!

Joey: Well, there’s really only one thing you can do.

Monica: What?! What is it?!

Joey: You’re gonna have to pee on it.

Monica: What?!! Gross!!

Joey: Don’t blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.

Chandler: Y'know what, he’s right. There’s something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain.

Monica: Well forget it! It doesn’t hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!!

Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my hole.

[Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.]

Phoebe: Well, I’m ready to get the hell out of here! (Sees Ross and Rachel cuddling on the couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod ‘Yes.’) Ohh! That’s so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. (they nod ‘No.’) But for you, yay! Ohh.

(The rest of the gang arrives with their heads down in shame.)

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: How was the beach?

Monica: Nothing, I don’t know.

Ross: What happened?

Monica: Nothing. I’m gonna take a shower.

Chandler: Me too!!

Joey: Me too.

Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car.

Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) It really does?

Ross: It does. It really and truly does.

(Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After she’s gone, Ross frantically tries to find and read the ‘Does it?’ part.)

Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.]

Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say ”Well...”) (yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!

Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I’m gonna break up with you!

Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, (reading from the letter) “If you accept full responsibility...” (to Chandler and Joey) Full responsibility! “...I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem like something you can do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!”

Joey: No?

Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, you’re back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you’re gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.

Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you’re right. Yeah I guess I’ll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.

Joey: Sure, it’s hard to forget! But that doesn’t mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler) ever talk about.

Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?!

Joey: It’s between us and the sea, Ross!

(Ross laughs and has a ‘Come on...’ look on his face as he looks and Chandler who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.)

[Scene: A hallway in an apartment building. Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.]

Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.

Ursula: Hey!

Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we haven’t talked in a long time, but umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom.

Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.

Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?!

Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom’s suicide note.

Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods ‘Yes.’) Well, do you still have it?

Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebe’s face.)

Phoebe: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me there was a suicide note!

Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?

Phoebe: I, umm, shut up!

(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)

Phoebe: (reading from the note) “Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I’ll miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk.” You just wrote this!

Ursula: Well, it’s pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?

Phoebe: Noooo!!

Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are sitting at the table eating dinner and not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.]

Monica: Pass the cheese, please.

(Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.)

Monica: My God, you can’t even look at me! Can you?

Joey: Nope.

(Phoebe enters.)

Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!

Phoebe: No. I’m-I’m to depressed to talk.

Chandler: I’ll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.

Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?

Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!!

Rachel: All right, that’s it, you guys! What happened out there?

Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me.

Ross and Rachel: Come on!

Ross: What happened? Joey?

Joey: All right. (gets up)

Monica: (stopping him) No! Joey, we swore we’d never tell!

Chandler: (running over and joining Monica) They’ll never understand!

Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It’s eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.

Monica: (interrupting) All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the living room) I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I-I couldn’t walk.

Chandler: (following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn’t think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monica’s shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.)

Monica: I was in too much pain.

Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!

Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.

Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...

Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!

Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!

Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t...bend that way. So... (looks at Joey.)

Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!

Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.

Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, “Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!” Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.

Joey: (laughs) That’s ‘cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]

Phoebe: (singing) “...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm.” (applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her) Except for you. You go away.

Phoebe Sr.: I’ll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasn’t been a day where I didn’t regret giving you up.

Phoebe: Okay, bye.

Phoebe Sr.: No, I’m not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didn’t look you up was, well I was afraid that you’d react, just well like, the way, the way you’re reacting right now, and can’t we just, y'know, start from here?

Phoebe: No.

Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. I’m family, I’m it. Now, now I’m done. (starts to leave)

Phoebe: But, it’s not like we’re losing anything. Y'know?

Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Phoebe: It’s not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common.

Phoebe Sr.: Well, I don’t know. I mean it’s not like we don’t have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza.

Phoebe: I-I like pizza!

Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles.

Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I!

Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!!

Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly?

Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I’m-I’m mad at you.

Phoebe Sr.: I know. I’m mad at me too.

Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I’m kinda hungry.

Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too!

Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now you’re just doing it to freak me out.

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.]

Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you.

Ross: I missed you too.

Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know?

Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose.

Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm.

Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...

[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]

Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!

Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?

Monica: You bet.

[cut back to Rachel’s bedroom with both of them hurriedly getting dressed]

Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!!

Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!

Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter!

Rachel: What?!!

Ross: I fell asleep!

Rachel: You fell asleep?!

Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’

Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!

Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)

Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you’re at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!!

Monica: Hey!!

Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel bad about all that sleep you’re gonna miss wishing you were with me!

Ross: Oh, no-no-no don’t you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!!

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!

Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are playing cards at the dinner table.]

Monica: (sets down some cards) Gin.

Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.

Monica: Will you stop!

Chandler: Okay. All right.

Monica: Okay, all right, I think you’re great, I think you’re sweet, and you’re smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.

End

The One With The Cat

Written by: Jill Condon & Any Toomin

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is eating breakfast as Chandler comes out of his bedroom, ripping his coat in the process.]

Chandler: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice!

Joey: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya, turn and sliiiide! Y'know, turn and slide.

Chandler: You don’t turn and slide, you throw it out! I’m tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed!

Joey: Look, we’re not throwing it out! I built this thing with my own hands!

Chandler: All right, how about we, how ‘bout we sell it.

Joey: All right. But, you’re gonna have to tell them. (He opens the cabinet to reveal the chick and the duck living inside with Christmas lights and a disco ball as decorations.)

Chandler: (nods his head) Do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet? (to Joey) They seem all right with it!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are there. Monica is checking the messages.]

Chip: (on machine) Hey Monica, it’s Chip.

Monica: Yesss!!

Ross: Who’s Chip?

Monica: Shhh!

Chip: (on machine) Good runnin’ into you at the bank today, so ah, here’s my number, 555-9323. Give me a call. Later.

Monica: Chip, is Chip Matthews.

Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you?

Monica: ‘Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute.

Ross: Monica, you’re so lucky! He’s like the most popular guy in school!!

Monica: I know!! (calls him) (on phone) Chip? Hi! It’s Monica. (listens) ‘Kay. (listens) ‘Kay. (listens) Okay. (listens) Okay, good-bye. (hangs up) Oh my God, we just had the best conversation!! (goes into her room as Rachel enters)

Ross: (to Rachel) I was just leaving.

Rachel: Good! ‘Cause I’ve got a product report to read, it’s like eight pages, I hope I don’t fall asleep.

Ross: Why? Did you write it?

Rachel: (sees Chip’s phone number) Wow! Look at that, Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants?

Ross: Well ah, actually...

Rachel: (interrupting) I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy.

Ross: Well, umm, why don’t you give him a call?

Rachel: Okay. (picks up phone) Are you sure you wanna hear this?

Ross: Oh, I’m sure.

Rachel: (on phone) Chip! Hi, it’s Rachel. (listens) Rachel Green. Yeah, umm, you left me a message. (listens) Yes you did, my roommate wrote it down. (listens) Monica Geller. (listens) Ohh.

Ross: (whispering in her ear) Oh, that’s right! He called to ask out Monica! That-that’s gotta be embarrassing!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]

Phoebe: (screaming, angrily) ...DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!! (applause) (happily) Thank you, thanks.

Ross: (reading the newspaper) Hey, here’s a question; where did you guys get the finest oak East of the Mississippi?

Chandler: Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land.

Ross: I’m reading your ad.

Joey: Looks good, uh?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: (reading the ad) Stunning entertainment center. Fine, (pause) fine Italian craftsmanship. (Joey is very proud of himself)

Phoebe: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center?

Rachel: Why? I love that thing.

Chandler: You want it?

Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no.

Chandler: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane?

Joey: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks!

Chandler: All right look, I’m changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer.

Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant.

Chandler: (looks at him) Nooo.

Joey: Oh. What do you do?

Chandler: I can’t believe you don’t know what I do for a living!

Phoebe: Yeah, I actually don’t know...

Ross: Good, so do I

Rachel: Something to do with numbers?

[Cut to someone entering Central Perk which lets a cat in. The cat then runs over to Phoebe’s guitar case and starts sniffing around.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! (goes over and picks up the cat) Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cat’s eyes) Oh my God.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing.

Joey: What? What’s wrong?

Phoebe: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my Mother.

Rachel: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?!

Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed herself.

Ross: Are you sure she’s in the cat, or have you been taking your grandma’s glycoma medicine again?

Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! I’m sure. First of all, okay, there’s the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement) My Mother’s favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he understands, but then nods that he has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an “Oh my God.” gesture) Oh, I haven’t seen this smile in 17 years!

Joey: (to Chandler) Dude, Phoebe’s mom has got a huge peni...

Chandler: (interrupting) Let it go!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is working as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that you’re going out with Chip Matthews?

Monica: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews?

Rachel: Nooo! It’s not okay! I can’t believe you would want to after what he did to me!

Monica: What, that little thing at the prom?

Rachel: Monica! I couldn’t find him for two hours! He was having sex with Amy Welch!

Monica: Come on, that was back in high school! How could that still bother you?

Rachel: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?!

Monica: Look, you and I went to different high schools...

Rachel: Okay, that doesn’t help me, because we went to the same high school.

Monica: You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride off Chip’s motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to one where I wore a band uniform they had to have specially made.

Rachel: (shocked) They had to have that specially made?!

Monica: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes.

Rachel: (stunned) Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot!

Monica: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews, and now he’s-he’s called me up and asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat.

Rachel: Oh, you go out with him. (goes over and hugs her)

Monica: Oh, really?!

Rachel: Yeah. Just, if it’s possible, could you leave him somewhere and go have sex with another guy?

Monica: I’ll try.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, they are all there eating breakfast.]

Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?

Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I don’t think any of them are gonna work out.

Chandler: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.

Phoebe: (is struggling with the cat) Stop it! Stop it! She keeps squirming, trying to get away! Just like when she was alive.

Ross: So Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us?

Phoebe: Well, I’m not sure. I mean, I guess until she y'know, gets used to the fact that there’s y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think she’s worried that y'know, she’s gonna, she’s gonna be replaced. (to the cat, in a funny voice) Well, that’s not gonna happen is it? Noo. (gets up) Okay, I have to return a call in the other room.

Monica: Why can’t you use the phone in here?

Phoebe: Well, I’m returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H. I just spelled the wrong word. (goes into Monica’s room)

Ross: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebe’s mom remind anyone of a cat?

Monica: Ross, don’t start.

Ross: Come on, you-you can’t tell me you actually believe that-that there’s a woman inside that cat!

Rachel: I believe it.

Ross: No you don’t.

Rachel: Yes, I do.

Ross: No you do—y'know what, you’re not gonna suck me into this.

Rachel: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right.

Ross: I do not always have to be—okay, okay. (starts to leave)

Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen.

(Ross wants to say something, but just smiles and leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are showing a couple of guys (Tony and Peter) the entertainment center.]

Tony: Wow! That’s ah, that’s pretty nice!

Joey: Pretty nice?

Chandler: You’ll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this.

Tony: We don’t have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it? We’ve got a canoe.

(Joey jumps up in excitement and without turning around Chandler holds out his hand stopping him, and ushering him back into his seat. Joey sits down, dejected.)

Chandler: Y'know, I, I really don’t think we need a canoe.

Tony: You gotta take the canoe!

Chandler: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away!

Peter: We’re not throwing it away! I built that canoe! (starts to leave as Tony chases after him)

Joey: (to Peter) Good for you!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Ross are there.]

Rachel: (entering) You guys, you’re never gonna believe what I just found tacked up on a telephone pole! (She’s holding a flyer.) Look kinda familiar?

Ross: (taking the flyer) Apparently Phoebe’s mother also goes by the name Julio.

Rachel: You guys, there’s a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that means?!

Joey: (looking at the flyer) Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways!!

Rachel: Do we have to tell her?

Ross: Yes, we have to tell her!

Monica: Oh, but it’s made her so happy.

Ross: (holds up a hand) Little girl misses her cat. (hold up the other hand) Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat. (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I have to go have dinner with my son, can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her.

All: (disappointed) Yeah.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: I hate when Ross is right!

Monica: He is right, isn’t he?

Chandler: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he’s wrong.

All: You think?

Chandler: Oh-no, he’s right.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, the same scene is continued from before the break. With Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: (entering, with Julio) Hi. (sits down in the chair)

Monica: Hi!

All: Hey!

Joey: Uh, Pheebs, about your mom...

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: (pause) How’s that going?

Phoebe: So great. Oh, we took a nap today and my Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred.

Joey: That’s so sweet. (pause) I’m gonna get some coffee. (gets up and leaves)

Monica: (sliding into Joey’s place on the couch to try and talk to Phoebe) Huh? What’d ya say Joe? I’ll be right there. (gets up and joins Joey)

(Rachel and Chandler slide into position.)

Rachel: Pheebs...

Phoebe: I just feel so, uhh.....

Rachel: All right!!

Chandler: I’m coming already!!

Rachel: Jeez!

(They both get up and leave Phoebe alone.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading at the kitchen table as there is a knock on the door.]

Monica: (running from the bathroom to her room, wearing only a towel) Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! (gets to her room and closes the door, as Rachel gets up to answer the door.)

Rachel: Hello, Chip.

Chip: Hey, Rach! How ya doin’?

Rachel: I’m great! I’m great. I’ve got a great job at Bloomingdale’s, have wonderful friends, and eventhough I’m not seeing anyone right now, I’ve never felt better about myself.

Chip: So ah, Monica ready yet?

Rachel: She’ll be out in a second. So, Chip, how’s umm, Amy Welch?

Chip: Amy Welch? Wow! I haven’t seen her since... So, Monica about ready?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is showing off the entertainment center.]

Joey: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man.

Guy: What?!

Joey: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My roommate bet me five bucks that I couldn’t, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in. Yeah. It was funny ‘til I started feeling like I was in a coffin.

Guy: No, you, you can’t fit in that thing. That’s not deep enough.

Joey: Oh yeah? (opens up the center and takes out the stereo) If I can’t, I’ll knock five bucks off the price off the unit.

Guy: All right, you have yourself a deal. (shakes his hand)

Joey: Okay. (he gets in the unit and closes the door) See?! I told ya!

(The guys takes a hockey stick and slips it through the handles then proceeds to take the stereo and Chandler’s computer and walk out.)

Joey: Sometimes I get in here just to get away from it! Hey, a nickel!!

[Scene: A street, Chip is walking Monica to his motorcycle.]

Chip: Here, we are.

Monica: Oh my God! You still have the Chipper!

Chip: The what?

Monica: That’s what we used to call your ah, your motorcycle in high school. Y'know how a motorcycle is a Chopper, and you’re Chip. Nevermind.

Chip: No, I think it’s cute. (kisses her)

Monica: Wow! A lipper from Chipper.

Chip: So you still in touch with anyone from high school?

Monica: Umm. Well, there’s Rachel, and umm, I think that’s it. How bout you?

Chip: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana, y'know. I see Spindler a lot. Devane, Kelly, and I run into Goldie from time to time. Steve Brown, Zuchoff, McGwire, J.T., Breadsly.

Monica: Is that all?

Chip: Ehh, y'know after high school, you just kinda lose touch. Oh yeah! I ran into Richard Dorfman.

Monica: Ohh, how is he?

Chip: Not so good, Simmons and I gave him a wedgie.

Monica: Isn’t he an architect now?

Chip: Yeah, they still wear underwear.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming home. As we walks through the door, and without looking up, he goes to throw his keys on the foosball table, only, it’s gone and the keys it the floor. He then looks up at an empty apartment; everything is gone except for the entertainment center and that ceramic dog. Even the food in the fridge!]

Chandler: OH MY GOD!!!

Joey: (still trapped in the entertainment center) WHAT?!!

Chandler: Are you all right?!

Joey: Yeah...

Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!!

Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!!

Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!

Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man!

Chandler: So—You got in voluntarily?!

Joey: I was tryin’ to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I’m gonna do?

Chandler: BEND OVER?!!!

[Scene: Dot’s Spot, Chip and Monica are on there date, eating dinner. Chip is telling a story.]

Chip: ...and then Zana, just let one rip!! (laughs histerically)

Monica: Look, not that I enjoy talking about people who I went to high school with, ‘cause I do, but umm, maybe we could talk about something else? Like you, I don’t even know where you work?

Chip: You know where I work!

Monica: I do?

Chip: The movie theatre, you used to come in all the time.

Monica: You still work at the multiplex?

Chip: Oh, like I’d give up that job! Free popcorn and candy, anytime I want. I can get you free posters for your room.

Monica: Thanks, I’m set. Do you still live with your parents?

Chip: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want.

(Monica takes a big swig of her martini.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Rachel, Phoebe, and Julio are consoling Joey and Chandler.]

Rachel: Wow! They really got you guys. Your T.V. The chairs.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, your microwave. The stereo.

Joey: (looking through a deck of cards) Aww, man, he took the five of spades!! Oh, no-no-no, here it is!

Monica: (entering) Oh my God! What happened?

Chandler: Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!!

Rachel: (to Monica) So, how was your date?

Monica: Well, y'know how I always wanted to go out with Chip Matthews in high school?

Rachel: Um-hmm.

Monica: Well, tonight, I actually went out with Chip Matthews in high school.

Rachel: Oh honey, I’m sorry.

Monica: No, it’s okay, not only did I get to go out with Chip Matthews, I got to dump Chip Matthews.

Rachel: Ohh! That’s so great!

Monica: I know!

Ross: (entering) Hey! So ah, what did the insurance company say?

Chandler: Oh, they said uh, “You don’t have insurance here, so stop calling us.”

Ross: (seeing Phoebe still with cat) You didn’t tell her?! (They all kinda shy away.) Okay, fine! Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah? (sees Ross) Hi!

Ross: Hi! Listen uhh, this cat belongs to a little girl. There are flyers all over the place.

Rachel: I’m sorry, sweetie. (shows her the flyer)

Monica: Hey, we can take her back with you if you want.

Phoebe: Ohh. Um-hmm. But y'know, she choose to find me. I mean, I have to respect her decision. Right?

Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel: That’s a good call. Right.

Ross: No! No! Look—Hey, enough is enough! Look, I am sorry that you feel guilty or whatever about spending time with your new mom, but this is not your old mom. This is a cat! Okay, Julio the cat! Not mom! Cat!

Phoebe: (she turns around and puts the cat on the entertainment center) Ross, how many parents have you lost?

Ross: None.

Phoebe: Okay, then you don’t know what it feels like when one of them comes back. Do you? I believe this is my Mother. Even if I’m wrong, who cares? Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive.

Ross: I’m sorry.

Phoebe: Okay.

Ross: I don’t know what to say.

Rachel: You could.... say you’re sorry to her mom.

Phoebe: I think she would like that.

Ross: (goes over to Julio) Come here, here, come here, come here, (pause) Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friend’s mother.

Phoebe: Thank you. We both forgive you.

Rachel: So honey, what are you gonna do about the little girl?

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me. And you’re welcome to come back anytime.

Chandler: Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we’d really appreciate it. (Joey nods in agreement)

Phoebe: Come on, Mom, I’ll take you home.

Rachel: I’ll go with you.

Monica: Me too. (they all leave)

Ross: Oh! Y'know, I’ve got an extra futon.

Joey: Dude, you don’t have to brag! We got nothing here!!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler have trading the entertainment center for the canoe. Joey is sitting in the bow, staring off into space as to envision his future full of possibilities. Chandler is sitting at the stern, staring into space and is looking at an uncertain future.]

End

The One With The ‘Cuffs

Written by: Seth Kirkland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

With Help from: Darcy Partridge

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in the canoe as Joey runs through the door carrying an outdoor patio table.]

Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. (Goes back into the hall)

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I’m, I’m paddling away!

Joey: (Returning carrying a couple of rusted lawn chairs) Huh?!

Chandler: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?!

Joey: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped!

(They both sit down at the table and the chick and the duck enter from Joey’s bedroom.)

Chandler: Could we be more white trash?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]

Monica: (Entering from her bedroom) How desperate am I?

Rachel: Oh! Good thing Chandler’s not here, he always wins at this game.

Monica: I just told my Mom I’d cater a party for her.

Phoebe: How come?

Monica: Because I need the money, and I thought that it’d be a great way to get rid of that last little schmidgen of self-respect.

Ross: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I don’t think Mom would’ve hired you if she didn’t think you were good at what you do.

Monica: You don’t have to stick up for her. She can’t here you.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading the paper and Chandler is getting ready for work.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice?

Joey: Just pickle.

Chandler: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.

Rachel: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must’ve been awkward.

Chandler: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink.

Rachel: (laughs) You ah, you didn’t say ‘Yes’ to that did you?

Chandler: (laughs) No. No!

Joanna: (Coming out of the shower wearing nothing but a towel) Hello, Rachel. (She goes into Chandler’s bedroom)

Chandler: Well, not at first.

Rachel: What is she doing here?

(Joey makes a sound like a creaking bed.)

Rachel: I don’t understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a ‘big, dull dud.’

Chandler: Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level.

(Joey creaks louder)

Rachel: Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must end it now!

Chandler: Oh, come on! It’s not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I’m pretty much just in there by myself.

(Joey makes a sound imitating one person making a bed creak and Chandler turns and glares at him.)

Rachel: Chandler!! (He turns around quickly) Promise me, you will end it.

Chandler: Okay, I promise, I’ll end it.

Rachel: Thank you.

Chandler: I hope you know what I’m giving up for ya, because she’s not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean.

Joey: Yeah-eh-eah! (Rachel glares at him) Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant.

[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are cooking for Mrs. Geller’s party.]

Mrs. Geller: (entering) How’s the hired help?

Monica: Doing great, the quiches are coming along.

Mrs. Geller: What’s this? Blue nail polish?

Monica: Yeah, I thought it was cute.

Mrs. Geller: Ahh, that’s what your Grandmother’s hands looked like when we found her.

Monica: Let me ask you a question.

Mrs. Geller: Hmm.

Monica: Why did you hire me?

Mrs. Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice, I assume you weren’t sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would be something. (Leaves)

Monica: (to Phoebe) Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks I’m good.

Phoebe: Okay, I didn’t hear that.

Monica: Oh yeah, she didn’t hire me out of pity, it wasn’t so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks I’m good.

Phoebe: Wow! And hey, it’s cool if you’re a lesbian! (Gives her a thumbs up)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is scrapping gum off the table as there is a knock on the door. He goes over and opens it.]

The Salesman: (Entering before Joey can say anything) Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house?

Joey: Uhhhh. (He’s not sure)

The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias?

Joey: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there.

The Salesman: Actually, I’m not buying. I’m selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you’re not really sure what they’re talking about?

(We go into a flashback sequence with Joey remembering some of those times.)

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s apartment, all are there.]

Ross: …I’m telling you it’s totally unconstituional.

Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: Oh yeah, I totally agree.

(Joey just nods his head.)

[Cut to Central Perk, the entire gang is there.]

Monica: …I think he deserves a Nobel Prize. (Joey starts to nod ‘Yes.’)

All: Nooo!! (Joey quickly stops nodding his head.)

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s, they’re all there playing cards.]

Chandler: …it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)

[Cut back to the present day.]

The Salesman: (Interrupting the flashback) Excuse me, I’m sorry, you haven’t said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested?

Joey: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in.

[Scene: The Geller’s Kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are still cooking.]

Phoebe: That’s weird.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Your nails.

Monica: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I just did it so my Mom wouldn’t give me grief about me biting them.

Phoebe: Oh, no, I meant that it’s weird that you only have nine now.

Monica: (Looks at her nails) Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them put… (realises) Oh my God! It’s in the quiche! Oh My God!

Phoebe: Okay, don’t panic. I’m gonna go to the store, I’m gonna get you another set of nails, no one’s gonna know, and you’re gonna look great. (She runs over to get her coat.) Oh! Oh, it’s ‘cause they’re gonna eat—that’s the problem.

Mrs. Geller: (entering) (to Monica) Honey, don’t bite your nails.

Monica: Okay ah, please don’t freak out. Umm, but ah, there’s a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there’s no way to know which one.

Phoebe: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize!

Mrs. Geller: (laughs) I’m not freaking out.

Monica: Then why are you laughing?

Mrs. Geller: It’s nothing, it’s just that now your Father owes me five dollars.

Monica: What? You bet I’d lose a nail?

Mrs. Geller: Oh no, don’t be silly. I just bet I’d need these. (Opens the freezer to reveal…)

Monica: Frozen lasagnas?

Mrs. Geller: Um-hmm.

Monica: You bet that I’d screw up?! So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good was…

Mrs. Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you pulled a Monica.

Monica: You promised Dr. Weinburg, you’d never use that phrase.

Mrs. Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, you’ve never been able to laugh at yourself.

Monica: (laughs) That’s right. My Mom doesn’t have any faith in me! Oh, that’s hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Phoebe: I don’t get it.

Mrs. Geller: No, I have faith…

Monica: (interrupting) No! You have lasagnas! (Storms out and an awkward silence follows.)

Oven: Ding!

Phoebe: Op, the ruined quiches are ready.

[Scene: Joanna’s office, Joanna and Chandler are making out on her chair. Chandler isn’t wearing any pants.]

Chandler: It just doesn’t…feel like we’re breaking up.

Joanna: No, we are. I’m sad.

Chandler: Okay.

(They start kissing again, but are interrupted by the phone.

Joanna: (answering the phone) Yes. (listens) Uh, can’t you wait until tomorrow? (listens) All right. (hangs up) Unbelievable!!

Chandler: Thanks.

Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go.

Chandler: Okay. (Starts to button up his shirt)

Joanna: What are you doing?

Chandler: I’m getting dressed.

Joanna: Why?

Chandler: When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me.

Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something.

Chandler: What is it?

Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me. (She’s holding a pair of handcuffs) Put your hands together.

Chandler: Ah-ha, you’re not the boss of me. (She kisses him) Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs him to the chair) Ooh, saucy.

Joanna: (kisses him) I’ll be back in ten minutes. (Starts to leave)

Chandler: You are, you’re gonna leave me like this?

Joanna: Knowing you’re here, waiting for me I think it’s kinda exciting.

Chandler: Okay. But if you don’t come back soon, (She leaves and closes the door) there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it!

[Cut to Joanna’s outer office, where Rachel and Sophie work. They are both coming back from lunch.]

Joanna: (locking her door) Oh.

Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!

Joanna: Oh great! I’ll keep it in my butt with your nose. (She grabs the cookie and walks out.)

Rachel: That’s weird, she locked the door.

Sophie: Y’know why? She’s got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning.

Rachel: Okay, swear you won’t tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joanna’s office. Do you wanna see the list?

Sophie: Yeah!

(Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.)

Chandler: Hi! (to Sophie) How are you?

(Rachel and Sophie both back out and close the door without saying anything.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joanna’s office, Chandler, still handcuffed to the chair, is looking through the lingerie catalogue by turning the pages with his teeth. The phone rings and Chandler answers it with his nose.]

Chandler: Hello, Joanna…(Realises he doesn’t know her last name)…’s office.

Joanna: (on speaker phone) I’m really sorry but I may be a little while longer.

Chandler: How little?!

Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful.

Chandler: Look, this isn’t funny! You get back here right now!

Joanna: I can’t!!

Chandler: Why not?!

Joanna: I’m in my boss’s car!

Chandler: What?!

Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel. (The phone gets cut off)

(Chandler gets an idea)

[Cut to Rachel’s office as her intercom buzzes.]

Rachel: (answering it) (angrily) What?!

Chandler: (in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you for a moment?

(Rachel goes into talk to Chandler.)

Chandler: Okay, here’s the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.

Rachel: You promised you would break up with her!

Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!

Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?!

Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out.

Rachel: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them.

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can’t get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I’m cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joanna’s desk.)

Rachel: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! (Grabs the key) You never see Joanna again!

Chandler: Never!

Rachel: You never come into this office again!

Chandler: Fine!

Rachel: You give me back my Walkman!

Chandler: I—never borrowed your Walkman.

Rachel: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one!

Chandler: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! (Rachel goes over and unlocks the handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist)

Rachel: Does it hurt?

Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants!

Rachel: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna?

Chandler: About what?

Rachel: When she sees that you’re gone, she’s gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I’m gonna get fired!

Chandler: I’ll make something up! I’m good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman!

Rachel: No, there’s nothing to make up, she’s gonna know that I have a key to her office, I’ve got to get you locked up back the way you were! (She tries to drag him over to the chair, but Chandler stops her.)

Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, I don’t think so!

(He starts to put his pants on, but Rachel manages to drag him to the chair. When they get to the chair, Chandler drops his pants and knocks the chair away. Rachel then backs him up and locks him to the top drawer of a filing cabinet.)

Chandler: Well, this is much better.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, The salesman is trying to sell Joey the encyclopedias.]

The Salesman: So, here’s somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh?

Joey: He cut off his ear.

The Salesman: And?

Joey: I’m out.

The Salesman: He painted that. (Points to one of his paintings in the book)

Joey: Wow! That’s pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear ‘cause he sucked. What else you got in there?

The Salesman: Let’s see, ahhh… Where does the Pope live?

Joey: In the woods. No wait-wait, that’s the joke answer.

The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?

Joey: Spock’s birth control.

The Salesman: (laughs) You need these books.

[Scene: Monica’s childhood bedroom (which has been turned into a gym), Monica is lying on the treadmill as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: This used to be your room? (She nods ‘Yes’) Wow! You must’ve been in really good shape as a kid.

Monica: Ohh, I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I actually thought she could change.

Phoebe: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica.

Monica: Oh good, I’m glad that’s catching on.

Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and we’ll call that pulling a Monica.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight A’s, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that one’s outta here." Though some things don’t change.

Monica: (getting up) All right, I’ll go down there. But, I’m not gonna serve the lasagna. I’m gonna serve something I make.

(She exits and Phoebe goes over and sits down at the machine that works your shoulders and tries to do one, which she does, easily.)

Phoebe: Wow! My breasts are really strong. (She goes and joins Monica.)

[Scene: Joanna’s office, Rachel and Chandler are having a little tug-of-war with his pants.]

Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she’s very private about her office. Now I know why.

Chandler: Hey, look, you’re in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she’s gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.

Rachel: What if I clean your bathroom for a month?

Chandler: It still wouldn’t be clean. (Rachel makes an ‘Eww, disgusting!’ face) All I want is my freedom.

Rachel: Foot rubs for a month!

Chandler: Freedom!

Rachel: I’ll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums!

Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won’t you here me?! (Opens the door) Sophie, help me! Help me!! (Sophie stands up)

Rachel: Sophie sit!!

(She closes the door and puts his tie into his mouth as a gag.)

Rachel: No! God, would you just calm down!

(Chandler screams a little bit, then realises that he can spit out his gag. He does so with a ‘Pouff!’)

Chandler: I’m gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just… (He moves his arm which opens the drawer and hits in the back of the head, which proves his point.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is now reading the ‘V’ book, with the salesman watching.]

Joey: Wow! There’s a lot I didn’t know about vomit. (The duck comes to the door of the bathroom, quacking.) (To the duck) In a minute. (The duck goes back into the bathroom.)

The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book!

Joey: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I’m home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there’s a few things you don’t get from book learnin’.

The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing?

Joey: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?

The Salesman: You don’t have, anything?

Joey: You wanna see what I got? (He gets up to empty out his pockets) Okay? I’ve got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey!

The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time. (Starts to leave)

Joey: And a 50. (The salesman stops suddenly) Huh, these must be Chandler’s pants.

The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C?

Joey: Oh, I-I think I’m gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out.

[Scene: Joanna’s office, Rachel and Chandler are still negotiating.]

Rachel: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.

Chandler: No!

Rachel: I ah… Oh! I’ll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning!

Chandler: With extra pulp?

Rachel: (happily) Yeah!!

Chandler: No!

Rachel: D’oh!! (pause) I’ve got it!

Chandler: You don’t have it.

Rachel: I have so got it. There’s gonna be rumours about this, there’s no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.

Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?

Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous (Holds her hands far apart) or very (In a high pitched voice) stingy.

Chandler: (intrigued) Go on.

Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation’s Milton Berle.

Chandler: And Milton Berle has a…

Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. (Chandler nods in agreement)

[Scene: The Geller’s kitchen, Phoebe is bringing in some dirty dishes.]

Monica: Well?

Phoebe: They’re not even touching the lasagna!

Monica: Really?!

Phoebe: Oh, they love your casserole.

Monica: Yes!!

Phoebe: It’s hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients.

Mrs. Geller: (entering) Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish.

Monica: And you?

Mrs. Geller: I thought it was… quite tasty.

Monica: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make you…

Mrs. Geller: (interrupting) A bitch?

Monica: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word.

Mrs. Geller: Yes, well I was wrong, and I have to say you really impressed me today.

Monica: Wow!

Phoebe: Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. (They both look at her) (to Monica) She doesn’t know we switched it. (Monica nods her head ‘No.’)

Mrs. Geller: And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer. (She starts to bite her nails)

Monica: That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom, don’t bite your nails.

[Scene: Central Perk, all except Chandler, are there.]

Chandler: (hello) Hello.

Joey, Rachel, and Ross: Hey!

Monica: (in a sexy voice) Hello, Chandler. (Phoebe has a huge smile on her face.)

Chandler: (to Rachel) I love you. (Kisses her on the forehead)

Joey: Wh-what’s going on?

Phoebe: Oh.

(She motions for them to come closer, they lean in and she whispers what Rachel told her. The guys both lean back laughing.]

Joey: No he doesn’t!

Chandler: (checks his watch) Two hours, that lasted!

Rachel: So did you break up with Joanna?

Chandler: I think so.

Joey: Well, it’s good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius.

Ross: The volcano?

Joey: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation.

Rachel: What?!

Joey: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant.

Monica: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden?

Joey: Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War?

Monica: Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War? (Joey is pissed)

All: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Phoebe: Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful country.

Ross: With such a sad history.

Chandler: Could there be more Kims?

(They all laugh and Joey joins them, not to be left out. When the laughing dies down, he has a depressed look on his face.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel is coming in for the day.]

Joanna: (from her office) Who’s out there?

Rachel: It’s me! Good morning!

Joanna: Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please?

Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didn’t have poppy seed bagels, so I… (Enters Joanna’s office and sees her handcuffed to her chair wearing nothing but a slip) Oh my word!

Joanna: I seem to have had a slight office mishap. Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me.

Rachel: Oh, yeah! Yeah!

(She goes back and forth, not sure what to do first, put the bagel down or grab the key. She finally puts the bagel down and grabs the key and goes over to unlock Joanna.)

Joanna: You tell your friend Chandler that we’re definately broken up this time.

Rachel: Okay.

End

The One With The Ballroom Dancing

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there eating breakfast. Chandler is cleaning out his wallet.]

Phoebe: Hey! New wallet, huh?

Chandler: Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn’t say ‘cool’ anymore.

Monica: Rachel!

Rachel: What?

Monica: You just put an empty carton back in the fridge!

Rachel: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.

Monica: Have you ever taken out the trash? (Hands her the garbage.)

Rachel: Well, I thought you liked doing it. (Rachel starts out the door and stops.)

Monica: Third door on the left.

Rachel: Right!

[Scene: Garbage room: Mr. Treeger is unclogging the trash chute as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger.

Mr. Treeger:: Hey.

(Rachel opens the trash chute, winces at the smell, and throws the garbage bag in. She then tries to throw the pizza box in, but since it’s so big she jams it into the opening and it prevents the door from closing. She then turns around too see Mr. Treeger watching her.)

Mr. Treeger:: What are you doing?

Rachel: Ummm. Oh! I’m sorry. (She grabs the box and offers him a piece.) It’s a little old but…

Mr. Treeger:: No! You’re clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging!

Rachel: I’m sorry. I didn’t—I don’t come in here a lot.

Mr. Treeger:: Oh yeah, of course you don’t!

Rachel: No.

Mr. Treeger:: ‘Cause you’re a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me…"

Rachel: I didn’t… I never said that.

Mr. Treeger:: You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why don’t think of someone else for a change?

Rachel: (starting to cry) Okay, I’m sorry. (Runs out still carrying the pizza box.)

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s apartment as Rachel returns in tears.]

Monica: God! If you’re gonna cry about it! (She grabs the box and goes to through it out.]

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Continued from earlier, Rachel is now telling everyone of her experience in the garbage room.]

Joey: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry?

Rachel: Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true.

Joey: I’m gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson.

Monica: Joey, please don’t do that. I think it’s best that we just forget about it.

Rachel: That’s easy for you to say, you weren’t almost just killed.

Joey: All right that’s it, school is in session! (Exits and slams the door.)

Monica: (Picking up a card from Chandler’s wallet.) My God! Is this a gym card?

Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last 1200 times.

Ross: So why don’t you quit?

Chandler: You don’t think I’ve tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria.

Ross: Who is Maria?

Chandler: Oh Maria. You can’t say no to her, she’s like this lycra spandex covered gym…treat.

Ross: You need me to go down there with you and hold your hand?

Chandler: No!

Ross: So you’re strong enough to face her on your own?

Chandler: Oh no, you’ll have to come.

[Scene: Treeger’s apartment, Joey knocks on the door and Treeger opens it.]

Mr. Treeger:: Tribbiani! Hold on, I’ll get the plunger.

Joey: Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend, Rachel, cry. So now, you’re gonna go up there and apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord.

Mr. Treeger:: And tell him what?

Joey: Have you heard about a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry.

Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968!

Joey: I have actually not heard of that.

Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. I’ve been a nice guy up until now, but uh, I don’t need this grief. I’m gonna call the landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting here grandmother’s apartment. Your friends are outta here pal.

Joey: Why don’t you tell me something I don’t know! (He storms out, and once Treeger closes the door behind him, Joey makes an ‘Oops!’ have.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, everyone is still eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: Oh please, somebody tell me I don’t have to go to work today!

Monica: What’s the matter?

Phoebe: Oh, my first massage today is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see him I just want to do things to him that I’m not allowed to charge for.

Monica: So do them for free.

Phoebe: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for fooling around with clients. And it’s against my oath as a masseuse.

Ross: They make you take an oath?

Phoebe: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that one’s actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense.

Chandler: Why don’t you just give him to somebody else?

Phoebe: No, I can handle it. No, I’m a professional. (She starts to leave)

Rachel: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet?

Monica: Wow! And you got a petticure. Your feet are all dressed up.

Chandler: Because that’s the only part of you he can see when he’s on the table!

Monica: You’re gonna do some feet flirtin’!

Phoebe: I don’t what your talking about. (Laughs nervously and continues to leaqve)

Ross: Then how do you explain the toe ring?!

Phoebe: Because it’s Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone!

[Cut to later, Joey is returning from talking to Mr. Treeger.]

Rachel: Oh! My hero! What happened?

Joey: Well uh, I went down there and told him that no one treats my friends like that and that he’d better come up here and apologize. I’ll see you later. (Starts to leave)

Monica: What a minute, what did he say?

Joey: He said that he wasn’t gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he’s gonna do is have you evicted—I’ll see you later.

Rachel: What?! You got us evicted!!

Monica: I told you not to go down there!

Joey: Well he made Rachel cry!

Monica: Rachel always cries!

Rachel: That’s not true! (Starts to cry.)

Monica: Now Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like you’ve never sucked before!

Joey: All right! I’ll try! But if I can’t, you can stay with Chandler and I until you get settled.

Rachel: Go!!

Joey: All right, all right, all right. (Starts to leave, stops, and turns around) I mean I’ll have to check with him first, but I’ll think he’ll be cool with it. (Monica shoos him out.)

[Scene: Chandler’s gym, He and Ross are there to cancel his membership.]

Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong.

Chandler: Yes. (In a stronger voice) Yes!

Ross: One more time, "Hey, don’t you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?"

Chandler: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!

Ross: Good! That’s good!

Chandler: Okay. (They go inside) (To the guy at the desk) I wanna quit the gym.

Gym Employee: You wanna quit?

Chandler: I wanna quit the gym.

Gym Employee: You do realize that you won’t have access to our new full service Swedish spa.

Chandler: (He turns to Ross and Ross makes a ‘Be strong’ sound.) I wanna quit the gym.

Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. (Both Chandler and Ross start to make their way to the membership office.) Uh, excuse me, (to Ross) are you a member?

Ross: Me? No.

Gym Employee: Sorry, members only.

Chandler: (horrified at the prospect of trying to quit alone and unsure about himself) I wanna quit the gym.

Ross: It’s okay man, be strong. (Chandler goes into the office.)

Gym Employee: (to Ross) So, are you a member of any gym.

Ross: No! And I’m not gonna be, so you can save you little speech.

Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. (To someone out of the picture) Could you come here for a second?

(This gorgeous woman in spandex walks up)

Woman: Hi, I’m Maria.

(Ross is at a loss for words.)

[Scene: Heeling Hands Inc., Phoebe’s work, she is giving a massage to the guy, Rick, she likes.]

Rick: (looking at her feet) Wow, you have really pretty feet.

Phoebe: These old things.

Rick: Would you mind spending some time on my siadic area, it’s been killing me today.

Phoebe: You mean the—Okay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion.

Rick: Yeah.

Phoebe: Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, y'know, the muscles in the siadic area can get y’know, real (lifts up the towel) nice and tight. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how did you injure the area.

Rick: Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.

Phoebe: Oh. (She goes to work, and her head slowly drops out of view.)

Rick: Ow! Did you just bite me?

Phoebe: No!

[Scene: Mr. Treeger’s apartment, Joey is there to suck up.]

Mr. Treeger:: What?

Joey: Please don’t kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn’t there fault, it was mine.

Mr. Treeger:: You want me to kick you guys out instead?

Joey: No you can’t do that, where would the chick and the duck live?

Mr. Treeger:: You have pets!

Joey: Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. I’m the chick and Chandler is the duck.

Mr. Treeger:: Huh, I would’ve thought it was the other way around.

Joey: Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I’ll do whatever you want.

Mr. Treeger:: Really? You’ll do anything?

Joey: Yeah-yeah, absolutely.

Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, I’ve got something you can do.

Joey: What, what is it?

Mr. Treeger:: Can you be my dancing partner?

Joey: That’s not, prison lingo, is it?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is telling Monica and Rachel what he has to do.]

Monica: His dancing partner?!

Joey: Yeah, there’s this superintendent’s dance, the Super Ball. I don’t know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he’s a crush on.

Rachel: Well, why doesn’t he practice with a girl?

Joey: Well, he’s too shy, he doesn’t thing he’s good enough to dance with girls yet.

Rachel: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that…garbage chute. (Starts to cry)

Monica: Oh, would you let it go already?! You’re fine!

(Chandler and Ross enter)

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: Hey! So, did you quit?

Chandler: No, I almost did, couldn’t leave Ross there without a spotter!

Monica: Wait, now so you joined the gym?

(Rachel starts to laugh.)

Ross: And that’s funny, why?

Rachel: Oh, umm, I was just y’know working out and umm… Oh, that’s it.

Chandler: We’re doomed. Okay, they’re gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do?

Monica: Well, you could actually go to the gym.

(Chandler and Ross both laugh)

Ross: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source.

Chandler: You’re a genius!

Joey: Aww, man, now we won’t be bank buddies!

Chandler: Now, there’s two reasons.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Ohh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him.

Rachel: Where?!

Phoebe: On the touchy.

Ross: And that’s not against your oath?!

Phoebe: No, I know! I-I’m sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one.

Monica: Well, next time your massaging him, you should try and distract yourself.

Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I’m doing something exciting and I don’t wanna get too excited, I just ahh, y’know try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler!

Chandler: Thank you, Joey.

Joey: No-no, thank you.

[Scene: Treeger’s apartment, Joey knocks and Mr. Treeger opens the door.]

Joey: All right, I’m here, let’s ahh, get this over with.

Mr. Treeger:: Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead. (Turns on some music)

Joey: Whoa-whoa, don’t we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really drunk?

Mr. Treeger:: Look come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh.

(Joey does so, and they both start dancing. Treeger tries to spin Joey, but ends up throwing him into the door.)

Mr. Treeger:: Ahhhh! I’m sorry!

Joey: No, it’s okay, but if I’m Marge, my breasts are coming out my back.

Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, forget it! I’ll never be any good at this, my mom was right, I’m just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head.

Joey: Come on man, you’re not a potato.

Mr. Treeger:: I’m sure as hell a dancer, it’s no use Marge will never go for me.

Joey: Come on Treeger, don’t say that. You just ahh, you just need more practice. Here, come on, let’s ahh, let’s try it again. Come on. (they start dancing again) Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, y’know, I’m not really that comfortable dancing with a—(Treeger throws him) We-he!! Hey!

Mr. Treeger:: Yeah!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table as Joey enters.]

Monica: Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?

Joey: Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time. (He walks into the kitchen and does a little dance step on the way.)

Rachel: (laughing) What was that?

Joey: What?

Rachel: You just did a little dancy thing.

Joey: No I didn’t.

Monica: Yes you did! You did like a little hop.

Rachel: You are soo enjoying this.

Joey: No, I’m not! And it wasn’t a hop it was a pademarie.

Monica: (laughing harder) You know the words! You are so into this!

Joey: All right, well maybe I’m enjoying it a little bit. I mean I’m getting pretty good at it.

Rachel: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes.

Joey: Hey-hey, hold on, this isn’t some kind of like girly dance. All right, it’s like a sport, it’s manly!

Monica: All right, then show me some manly moves.

Joey: All right.

(They both get up and Monica expects Joey to take the lead, but he doesn’t, and they fumble around for a little bit.)

Joey: I don’t know how to lead.

[Scene: Ross and Chandler’s bank, they are there to close their accounts.]

Ross: Hello.

Chandler: Hi.

Ross: We’d like to close our accounts.

Bank Officer: Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem?

Ross: No-no.

Chandler: No, we’d just like to close them.

Bank Officer: Okay, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. (to a beautiful woman) Would you come over here please?

Ms. Lambert: Hi, I’m Karen.

Chandler: I wanna quit the bank!

[Scene: Healing Hands, Inc., Phoebe is giving Rick a massage.]

Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Okay, baseball. Rick, playing baseball. Okay, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little… Oh no—wait no, no! No! Okay, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, okay, on a plate, maybe Rick’s pants come down a little. No! No! Okay, Chandler! Okay Chandler, ooh, that’s working.

(The camera zooms in on the clock on the wall and it reads a quarter after one. Time lapse. The clock now reads 3:30, and Phoebe is still giving Rick his massage.)

Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Chandler’s knees. Chandler’s… ankles. Chandler’s ankle hair. (notices the clock) Oh no. (to Rick) Okay, you’re all set.

Rick: Oh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour?!

Phoebe: Yeah! In… really long hour world.

Rick: What?

Phoebe: Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you’re a client, I can’t ask you out, even though you give me y’know, the feeling.

Rick: Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I could always find another masseuse.

Phoebe: Really?!

Rick: Yeah, really.

(They start to kiss, then Rick stops suddenly.)

Phoebe: What?

Rick: Suddenly, I very aware that I’m naked.

Phoebe: (laughs) Okay, quit down. (they start to kiss again)

(Suddenly, Phoebe’s boss, Mrs. Potter, and a client, Mr. Simon, enters.)

Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simon’s been waiting for—(sees Phoebe and Rick) Oh my God!

Mr. Simon: Why wasn’t I offered that? I’d definitely pay more for that.

Mrs. Potter: Phoebe, we have rules here, this isn’t that kind of place.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn’t what it looks like, ‘cause Rick is my ahh, husband.

Mrs. Potter: Oh really? Well, then you’d better tell his other wife, ‘cause she called three times asking where he is.

Phoebe: Yes, I will tell her.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are telling Joey, Rachel, and Monica of their bank woes.]

Monica: So you didn’t leave the bank?

Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account.

Rachel: What are you ever gonna use that for?!

Chandler: To pay for the gym.

(Phoebe enters)

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore.

Joey: What?!

Rachel: You got fired?!

Monica: Oh my Gosh!

Phoebe: It’s so weird, I have never been fired from anything before!

Rachel: Sweety...

Phoebe: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, y’know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. It’s been a really bad day, whore wise.

(There’s a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.)

Mr. Treeger:: Hey Duck, is Chick here?

Chandler: Yeah… Bunny-rabbit.

Joey: (To Mr. Treeger) So you ah, ready for our last practice?

Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, but y’know, I think the reason we’re not getting that spin right is because my apartment’s too small.

Joey: Look, you wanna use our place?

Mr. Treeger:: No, I ahh, had another idea.

[Cut to the roof, where Joey and Mr. Treeger are dancing happily to ^Night and Day^.]

Joey: We did it!!

Mr. Treeger:: I know, we did it!! Hey, that was incredible, huh?!

Joey: I know, it was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful.

Mr. Treeger:: Thank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, (checks watch). Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball.

Joey: Oh well, okay, good luck.

Mr. Treeger:: Yeah.

Joey: Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango?

Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I think I’m ready to dance with girls.

Joey: Okay.

Mr. Treeger:: Yeah.

Joey: Go get ‘em Treeger.

Mr. Treeger:: Right. (Starts to leave) Hey, ahh, you wanna come? Marge has a girlfriend.

Joey: (intrigued) Really?

Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, you could dance real good with her, she’s the same size as me.

Joey: No, I’m good.

(Treeger leaves, and Joey’s dances off.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Lara and Jeni’s Massage, Phoebe is interviewing for a job.]

Interviewer: So it looks like you’ve got some great experience here. Let’s see ahh, reason for leaving last job?

Phoebe: Yeah, they thought I was a whore.

Interviewer: Okay, we’ll give a call if anything comes up.

Phoebe: Great! Thank you very much.

(The interviewer watches her leave with an ‘Oh my goodness’ face.)

End

The One With Joey's New Girlfriend

Written by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang's all there. Ross has a slip of paper that he throws on the ground tying to get Rachel's attention.]

Ross: (picking up the slip of paper) Hello! What's this? Oh right its that girl's phone number. (Rachel ignores him) Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a really hot girl gave me. (He holds it so that Rachel can see it, she continues to ignore him) It's no big deal, I mean it is her home phone number, but...(Rachel still ignores him) Whoa! (Throws it in her lap) Whoa-whoops, I almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely Amanda gives me her number and I-I go and drop it. (He waves it in front of Rachel's face. Then suddenly Phoebe has to sneeze and Rachel quickly grabs the slip of paper and gives it to Phoebe for her to sneeze into.)

Phoebe: Thank you.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, the next morning. Chandler, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.]

Gunther: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah?

Gunther: When's your birthday?

Rachel: May fifth, why?

Gunther: Oh, I-I'm just making a list of people's birthdays.

Ross: Oh, mine's December...

Gunther: Yeah, whatever. (Walks away)

(Chandler is talking to Monica and notices a beautiful woman.)

Chandler: Ohh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty--she's pretty.

Monica: Just go up to her and ask her out. (Chandler laughs) Oh, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Chandler: I could die.

Ross: Yeah, it's-it's tough being single. That's why I'm so glad I found Amanda.

Rachel: Ross, you guys went out once. You took your kids to Chucky Cheese, and you didn't even kiss her.

(Ross glares at Chandler.)

Chandler: I tell people secrets. It makes them like me.

Phoebe: (entering) Oh.

Chandler: Hey! (Phoebe sneezes)

Monica: Phoebe! You're sick, you shouldn't play. You should just go home, get in bed, and stay there.

Phoebe: (in a nasally voice, from her cold) But I'm unemployed, my music is all I really have now. Well music, and making my own shoes. (She puts her shoe on the table, and it's horribly decorated) Pretty, huh? (Sneezes)

Chandler: All right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get shot down. Any advice?

Monica: Just be yourself. But, not too much.

Chandler: (gets up) (softly) Wish me luck.

Ross: (loudly) Good luck!

Chandler: Wish it! (To the woman, Kathy, he likes) Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting over there, and uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say that?

Kathy: No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Kathy.

Chandler: Uh Kathy, with K or a C?

Kathy: With a K.

Chandler: Oh-oh-hey!

Kathy: Wow! You are really good at this.

Chandler: Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here.

Kathy: I'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I should tell you that I'm waiting for a date. (Joey enters) Oh, and there he is now.

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey. (Joey kisses Kathy.)

Joey: Hey, I see you guys already met, huh?

Chandler: Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth.

Joey: Didn't I tell ya? Always showin' off.

Phoebe: Before I start, I just wanna say that umm, I have a cold, so if I sneeze in the middle of song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse of Pepper People. (Starts to sing) Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? (Stops singing) This chick sounds good. (Singing) Smelly cat, smelly--(stops singing) Hey Gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is walking into the living room having just gotten up in the middle of the night.]

Chandler: (sees Kathy is up watching TV) Hi!

Kathy: Hi.

Chandler: Jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to have to fight over the remote.

Kathy: I'm sorry, it's just this Ernie Cofax thing on in a few minutes I wanted to watch.

Chandler: Oh my God! That's why I got up too!

Kathy: You're kidding! Oh, I love him.

Chandler: Hey, listen, I'm sorry about this afternoon, y'know, if I would've known you guys were... I never would've...

Kathy: Oh please!

Chandler: So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class.

Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out.

Chandler: That's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him.

Kathy: (laughs) Oh-oh-oh-oh!

Chandler: Is it on?

Kathy: No, but this wonder broom is amazing!

Chandler: Hey! (Runs over and gets his wonder broom)

Kathy: Oh my God!

Chandler: Oh! It's on! It's on!

(Chandler jumps into the canoe and sits down. The chick starts chirping and Chandler reaches down to pick him up.)

Chandler: There we go little fella.

Kathy: (laughs) What about the duck?

Chandler: Well the duck can swim.

Kathy: Oh, jeez. (Hits him)

[Scene: Central Perk, the next night, Phoebe is finishing up her set.]

Phoebe: (singing, drunk) My sticky shoes, my sticky-sticky shoes, why do you stick on me, ba-a-by! Thanks for the lights honey.

All: Way to go, Phoebe!

Monica: That cold makes you sound so great.

Phoebe: It's fun, God I love how sexy I am. (Coughs really loudly.)

Joey: Oh, Kath, we should get going. We're going to by hamsters.

All: Ooh, that's great, I love those little guys.

Kathy: No, no, it's not like that. I, I work for a medical researcher.

Rachel: Well, have fun!

Kathy: Okay.

Phoebe: Well, I think it's great that the medical community is finally trying to help sick hamsters.

Monica: Y'know what, I like Kathy.

Chandler: Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty.

Rachel: Yeah, she's...

Chandler: She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about--what?

Rachel: You love her.

Chandler: No, I don't.

Phoebe: Yes, you do. Chandler loves Kathy.

Ross: Come on, Pheebs lay off him.

Chandler: Thank you, Ross.

Ross: Yeah, he's a little sensitive right now, `cause he's so in love.

Chandler: All right.

All: Ohh!

Chandler: All right.

Monica: (turning around and doing that, "I'm making out with someone," thing with her hands) Ooh, umm, oh Kathy! Kathy, I love you! Oh! (She turns around and sees Gunther staring at her and stops suddenly.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are there.]

Phoebe: So, I need to write some depressing stuff to go along with my new floozy voice, but nothing that sad has ever really happened to me.

Monica: Oh umm, how about your mom dying, or having to live on the streets when you were 14?

Phoebe: Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, I could write about the time my hair did that "Woo-hoo" thing.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey.

Ross: (loudly) So I'm going over to Amanda's tonight!

Monica: Rachel's not here.

Ross: Oh.

Monica: How's it going with her?

Ross: Great, actually. I'm thinking tonight, maybe the night. Yeah, I mean ah, the kids are gonna play together and then when they're asleep, I'm thinking Amanda and I break open a bottle of wine, and do a little "playing" ourselves.

Rachel: (entering, with a guy) Hi guys! This is Josh. Josh, these are my friends, and that's Ross.

Monica: Hi, Josh.

Phoebe: Hi.

Josh: Dudes.

Monica: So, did you play in college? (She points to his NYU Soccer (football for the rest of the world) sweatshirt he's wearing.)

Josh: Oh, I still do. Next year, I hope to make varsity though.

Rachel: Ross, didn't you ah, play soccer in High School? Oh no wait, that's right. You just organized their game schedules on your Commodore 64.

Josh: Well, it's getting late, I've got to get to the game, so I'm gonna... head.

Rachel: Okay. (He starts to leave, and Rachel grabs him and gives him a passionate kiss.) I'll miss you.

Josh: Dope! (exits)

Phoebe: Wow, cute one!

Monica: Very!

Rachel: I know, isn't he great? It's so nice to finally be in a fun relationship, y'know? There's nothing boring about him, and ah, I bet he's never set foot in a museum.

Ross: Well maybe he'll get to go soon, like on a class trip or something.

Rachel: Y'know what else is really great about him, oh, what is the word for the adult that doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?

Ross: Oh! (He bangs his fists together.)

Rachel: What was that?

Ross: Monica knows.

Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up `cause he was trying to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger, without actually having to give it. I remember I cried the night you made it up, `cause it was the first time that I realized that I was actually cooler than my older brother.

Ross: Well, I'm gonna go get ready, (Gives Monica the fist thing.) for my date tonight, so ah, I'll just_ head.

Phoebe: Yeah, I should go to, `cause I'm playing in one hour. Hey, (clears her voice and in her normal voice) you guys should come hear me, ooh hear me. Ooh, (tries to sing) My sticky shoes--eww! Eww! I lost my sexy phlegm!

[Scene: Amanda's apartment, Ross is arriving with Ben.]

Amanda: (opening the door) Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Amanda: Hi Ben!

Ross: Wow! You-you look great!

Amanda: Thanks!

Ross: (she lets him in) Okay! (to her son) Hey Tommy.

Amanda: I am so glad that you could come over tonight.

Ross: Oh no-no-no, it's my pleasure.

Amanda: Okay, well, my cell phone number is right here on the counter, please help yourself to anything in the fridge.

Ross: What?

Amanda: I appreciate this soo much, I've been trying to go out with this guy for like a month.

Ross: I-I-I...

Amanda: (noticing the bottle of wine he has) Oh, I don't mean to be a square, but I'd really appreciate it if you wait and drink your wine after the kids are asleep? Oh uh, thanks for this, I hope I can do the same for you sometime. (She leaves)

Ross: Who wants to make some long distance calls?

[Scene: A street, Chandler is buying a newspaper and notices Kathy running by.]

Chandler: Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! (She doesn't hear him and keeps running, Chandler starts chasing her as the theme to The Mod Squad starts to play. First, a car almost hits him and then gets mustard splashed on him as he runs by a hot dog vendor.) Kathy! (He keeps running and gets tangled up in the leashes of five dogs, in desperation he throws his paper.) Fetch! Fetch it! (He frees himself and resumes the chase) Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! (He now trips and falls into a pile of garbage, he tries to get up and scream her name again but he has a piece of spinach in his mouth. He gets out of the garbage and starts crossing the street by running over the hoods of a couple of cabs.) Kathy! (He jumps in front of her and out of breath he says) Kathy.

Kathy: Hey, Chandler! What are you doing here?

Chandler: Oh, I just wanted to say, "Hey!"

Kathy: Hey!

Chandler: Okay. (He walks away disgusted with himself.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Monica about his new baby sitting job.]

Monica: Oh come on! You're making it sound worse than it actually was.

Ross: Her date tipped me ten dollars. (Monica laughs)

(Phoebe runs into the kitchen with wet hair, opens the window, and sticks her head outside.)

Ross: Pheebs, what are you doing?

Phoebe: Okay, I wanna be sexy again so I'm trying to catch a cold. It should be easy, supposedly they're pretty common.

Monica: Phoebe, you'll catch pneumonia.

Chandler: (entering) Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend.

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: Are you serious?

Phoebe: Well, how-how-how is that possible? You barely know her!

Chandler: I don't know. I can't--I just, I can't get her out of my head. Y'know? I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible person. (he waits for a reaction, when he doesn't get one) No you're not Chandler! We still love you Chandler!

Monica: (sneezes) Oh gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold.

Phoebe: You mean you stole it! (Monica sneezes again) Don't cover your mouth when you do that!

(Joey and Kathy enter, laughing)

Joey: Hey.

Kathy: (to Chandler) We were just talking about you.

Chandler: Really?!

Joey: Yeah-yeah, I told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet.

Chandler: (laughs) Right in there!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with the chick and the duck.]

Chandler: 99...100! Ready or not, here I come! (He opens his eyes and sees that the chick and the duck are still sitting in front of him) All right, let's go over the concept one more time.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey guys. (to Chandler) Listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and Kathy tonight?

Chandler: Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already ate.

Joey: It's 4:30.

Chandler: Y'know I had a big meal on Monday, y'know. So that's just gonna get me straight through the week.

Joey: Okay, I see what's going on here.

Chandler: You-you do?

Joey: Yeah! You don't like Kathy.

Chandler: You got me.

Joey: Yeah, you've been avoiding her ever since we started going out. Look, I made an effort to like Janice, now I think it's your turn to make an effort to like Kathy by going out to dinner with us. Right?

Chandler: Yeah. Right.

Joey: Good, and hey! My treat. (He turns to go into his bedroom then stops.) But that's only because you're not eating anything, right?

Chandler: Okay.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from a date with Josh, and when they get the door open, Rachel turns and passionately kisses Josh.]

Monica: (lying on the couch suffering from her cold) Ross isn't here.

Rachel: Oh. (She tries to walk away from Josh, by he keeps holding her) Stop it!

Josh: So I'll see you at the party? Beer's beer man, 24, 7!!

Rachel: Yeah! (Monica gives a sarcastic thumbs up) (Josh leaves) I am soo gonna marry that guy. (looking in her wallet) Ohhh!

Monica: What?

Rachel: I think he's stealing from me.

Monica: Why?

Rachel: Because he's stealing from me!

Phoebe: (entering) Hi! It's me. And soup. (to Rachel) Hey, I just saw Josh, he looks so yummy in your leather jacket.

Rachel: Ughh! (Storms out after him)

Phoebe: (to Monica) Here, now I don't eat chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And there's no chicken in the broth either, so it's really just... noodle water.

Monica: Thank you so much Phoebe.

Phoebe: (picking up Monica's used Kleenex and putting some in her pocket.) Sure.

Monica: What are you doing with those?!

Phoebe: But, I need your germs! I want my cold back! I miss my sexy voice.

Monica: Sorry, Phoebe.

Phoebe: It's okay. How's the soup?

Monica: Umm. (nodding her head, "Good.")

(Monica sets the soup down and Phoebe picks it up and licks the rim.)

Monica: Ohhhh!! Gross!!

[Scene: A nightclub, Chandler is having dinner with Kathy and Joey.]

Kathy: Ohh, God, guys, check it out, you can see that girl's underwear!

Joey: Is she great or what?

Kathy: (to Chandler) So? Huh? What do you think?

Chandler: Ohh, she's-she's not really my type.

Kathy: Not your type?! She's gorgeous!

Chandler: Y'know what I think it is? It's the fishnet stockings. Y'know? Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet stockings.

Kathy: Okay. Understanding a little more why you're single. Ohh! Y'know, I have a friend you would like, she's really pretty. And then we could double date!

Chandler: Uhh, no-no thanks.

Kathy: Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too.

Chandler: Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer. (Leaves)

Joey: (to Kathy) I'll be right back. (to Chandler) What was that?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Kathy was being really nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal.

Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want from me?

Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too damned difficult for you, then the least you can do is pretend.

Chandler: I am pretending.

Joey: Well then, do it better!

Chandler: Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I like her? (Joey gives him a thumbs up) No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!!

Joey: Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there.]

Ross: (entering) Hey! So, uhh, Amanda just-just dropped me off. Yeah, that's one of the things I love about her, she's...uh, she's old enough to drive. (to Monica) So uhh, I guess you're not going to mom and dad's tonight?

Monica: No, sorry.

Rachel: Well where's Amanda?

Monica: Hey Rach, could you get me some cough drops?

Rachel: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go up to your old room, and not make out.

Monica: Ross, cough drops, please?

Ross: At least I know she's not going out with me to get into R rated movies.

Rachel: Why don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry I forgot, she's not a lesbian.

Ross: You see Amanda and I have a very special...

Monica: (interrupting) You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her baby sitter! You have a 12-year-old girl's job!

Rachel: (laughing) Ohh, that is soo sad.

Monica: And what are you laughing at, Miss `My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!'

(Ross starts laughing)

Rachel: Hey, so he stole a couple bucks from me! At least he bought me something with it! (Shows her, her ring)

Monica: That's mine!! Now, would you both please start acting like adults? And get me my cough drops!

Ross: Fine.

Rachel: Sorry.

Ross: Here. (Hands her, her cough drops) (to Rachel) At least I made ten bucks in my relationship.

Rachel: Y'know...

(She does Ross's little gesture. In response Ross puts his hands behind his neck with his arms sticking straight out and starts flapping them together.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her guitar.]

Phoebe: (singing) Platting goats are platting. Platting down the street. Platting goats are platting, leaving little treats. (to Gunther) Does it even work without my sexy voice?

Gunther: I like it. (sneezes)

Phoebe: Gunther, kiss me.

Gunther: What?

(Phoebe grabs Gunther and kisses him. He then falls to the couch in shock.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV as Joey and Kathy are laughing in Joey's bedroom. They get to be pretty loud so Chandler turns the TV way up.]

Joey: (opening the door wearing nothing but a sock, and holding a dart board over the `Little General.') Hey! (Chandler turns down the TV) Now, we're not actually gonna be sleeping in her, but do you mind?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, with a blanket draped over her shoulders, opens the door to a similarly clad Chandler.]

Chandler: Can I sleep on your couch?

(Monica nods `Yes.' And they both walk to the couch looking all depressed.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing, with everyone else present.]

Phoebe: (singing) And I'm still waiting for my paper mache man. Thank you my babies.

(applause)

Gunther: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah.

Gunther: I don't know if you heard about what happened between me and Phoebe the other day_

Rachel: No!

Gunther: Well, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the kiss, but-but I also didn't stop it, and I've been feeling guilty.

Rachel: (confused) Okay.

Gunther: So umm, are we cool?

Rachel: (really confused) Okay.

Gunther: I knew you'd understand.

(Gunther walks away, leaving Rachel with a `What just happened?' look on her face.)

End

The One With The Dirty Girl

Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Darcy & Julie Partridge

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde (Cheryl) are standing outside. The rest of the gang is watching from inside.]

Cheryl: So, thank you for the delicious dinner.

Ross: You're welcome for a delicious dinner.

[inside]

Phoebe: Hey what are you guys looking at?

Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.

Phoebe: Yeah, come to papa.

[Cheryl walks away and Ross walks inside. Everyone stares at him in disbelief.]

Ross: I know!

Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?

Chandler: Where did you, when did you, how did you... (Joey hits the back of Chandler's head) How did you get a girl like that?

Rachel: Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what?

Ross: Actually she's a paleontology doctoral candidate, specializing in the centazoic era.

Chandler: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.

Ross: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.

Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.

Ross: Fine by me; hope she wins.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hi. You guys have any wrapping paper?

Phoebe: Oo! Is it for my birthday present?

Chandler: Phebes, it was your birthday, like, months ago.

Phoebe: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasn't come yet?

Chandler: Well, I have a call in about that.

Phoebe: 'Kay.

Chandler: Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her favorite book.

Rachel: Oh, The Velveteen Rabbit! Oh my God, when the boy's love makes the rabbit real!

Chandler: Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils.

Rachel: Huh. Well, then you'd better keep it away from Ross's hair. So this is pretty rare. How did you get that?

Chandler: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren.

Rachel: Oh, honey, that's so sweet.

Phoebe: Yeah, and what a great way to say, "I secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend!"

Chandler: It doesn't say that. Does it?

Ross: How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange?

Chandler: Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure that uh, Joey gets her something really great.

Phoebe: It's gotta be better than that book. Oo! Like a crossbow!

Monica: (Entering from her bedroom, talking on the phone) Yeah, once again, I am sorry. Thank you. Bye. (To the gang) I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for sixty people.

Rachel: Oh my God! What happened?

Monica: Sixty guests.

Ross: So, uh, why did you have to turn it down?

Monica: Because I don't have the money or the equipment to handle something that big on such short notice. I mean there's no way.

Phoebe: Wow, what is with all the negativity? You sound like Monican't , not Monican... (Monica looks almost puzzled) ...Monica. Look, you know, you have been playing around with this catering thing for over three years. Do you want to be a caterer or not?

Monica: I don't know.

Phoebe: There you go, that's the spirit! Okay! Now, if you need money, I will lend you money, but just get moving!

Monica: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff.

Phoebe: Okay! It's worth it, if it will get you moving. You haven't worked in months.

Monica: Well, you're not working either.

Phoebe: Yes, but I'm doing this.

Monica: Yeah, that'd be great! Thank you!

[Joey enters]

Joey: Hey!

Everyone: Hey.

Kathy: Can I borrow the keys to your apartment?

Joey: Why?

[Kathy whispers something in Joey's ear]

Joey: You can pee here!

Kathy: Ahahaha... haha.. yes I can, of course. Excuse me.

Chandler: It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday?

Joey: We've only been going out for a couple of weeks, do you think I gotta get her something?

Everyone: Yeah!

Rachel: Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice.

Joey: Oh, I know...

Rachel: And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love."

[cut to a new scene, also in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting, Phoebe is nearby.]

Phoebe: Ooo, a crossword! Can I help?

Rachel: No! I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week I got all but three answers and I really want to finish a whole one without any help.

Phoebe: Fine. But you can't help me develop my new universal language.

[Monica enters]

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, how'd it go?

Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrow—the dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident!

Phoebe: Mon! I'm so happy for you!

Monica: Thanks. Like, check out my new catering stuff. (Picks up two frying pans) Look at this! I'm an omelet station! Omelet? Made to order!

Phoebe: I'll have one, please. Plus my money.

Monica: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this stuff. But look—I've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I make from that.

Phoebe: Oh. Okay. Oo, sorry I acted like a bank.

Monica: Okay.

[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Ross and Cheryl are kissing]

Ross: (moved by the kiss) Huh...

Cheryl: Um, would you like to come in?

Ross: Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools?

Cheryl: According to recent findings!

[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]

Cheryl: (throwing food around the room) Here Mitzi! Here Mitzi!

Ross: Mitzi is.....

Cheryl: My hamster. I hope she's okay, I haven't seen her in a while. Have a seat.

Ross: (mouths "where?") Uh... Oh hey, do you, uh (steps on some garbage and falters) ...do you have any, um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties?

Cheryl: What?

Ross: Well, I do! Why don't we go back to my place, light a couple of candles, break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties, uh...

Cheryl: I'd rather not.

Ross: Oh, yeah, why not?

Cheryl: Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird smell.

[Scene: A kitchen where Phoebe and Monica are finishing up a catering job]

Monica: Oh, is everything in the car?

Phoebe: Yes. Did you settle the bill?

Monica: No. I hate this part.

Phoebe: Oh, look what we almost left. (Picks up a coffee maker)

Monica: No, that's not mine.

Phoebe: Oh, all right. Oh! Look what we almost took!

[cut to the living room of the same dwelling, where the funeral guests are mingling. Monica enters.]

Monica: Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart? Well, we're all cleaned up in the kitchen.

Mrs. Burkart: Oh, good. Thank you.

Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of...

Mrs. Burkart: Dear?

Monica: Just the matter of ...payment?

Mrs. Burkart: (in grief) Jack used to handle the finances! (Breaks into tears)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the couch still doing the crossword. Chandler is in the kitchen.]

Rachel: You know what we should all do? Go see a musical.

Chandler: (confused) Sure...

Rachel: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one?

Chandler: I don't know... um, Grease?

Rachel: No....

Chandler: Rent?

Rachel: Yes! Rent!

Chandler: Okay, so when do you want to go?

Rachel: What? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy.

Joey: (entering the apartment) Hey. Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.

Chandler: Yes, it is, at Office Max.

Rachel: What did you get her? (Joey opens up a rectangular black box and holds up a pen.)

Chandler: A pen.

Joey: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock! Huh?

Chandler: Huh-huh! You can't give her that.

Joey: Why not?

Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!

Rachel: Okay, honey, what he means by that, is ...while this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives?

Joey: Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over.... "Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!"

Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?

Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.

Chandler: For three years?

Joey: (whining and heading toward the door) Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't shop anymore! I...

Chandler: All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay?

Joey: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card?

Chandler: Would you like me to write her a little poem as well?

Joey: Or... just get a card that has a poem already in it.

[Scene: Back in the kitchen at the funeral. Phoebe is there, Monica enters.]

Phoebe: But Mon, you have to get our money!

Monica: Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying! With those thick glasses, her tears looked giant.

Phoebe: I know, it's tough. You know what the first thing I did after my mother's funeral was?

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"

Monica: Okay. So what do you.... you think she's faking?

Phoebe: Well, it seems like there weren't any tears 'til you showed her the bill.

Monica: Phoebe, she sounded pretty upset to me.

[cut to the living room where Mrs. Burkart is now performing.]

Mrs. Burkart: (singing) You're a grand ol' flag, you're a high-flying flag, and forever in peace may you wave....

Phoebe: She seems fine now.

Mrs. Burkart: (singing) ...emblem of the land I love. The home of....

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are standing and talking, Ross is tying a tie.]

Joey: So, you just left? Her place was really that bad?

Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! (Ross takes the loosely tied tie off and hands it to Joey who puts it on.) Here.

Joey: Wow. Thanks. So, uh, what happened?

Ross: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there.

Joey: All right, so... next time, you take her to your place.

Ross: No, I tried that. She says it has a weird smell.

Joey: What kind of smell?

Ross: I don't know. Soap?

Joey: All right, listen, Ross... you like this girl, right?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: You wanna see her again, right?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: So you're gonna have to do it in the mess!

Ross: Yeah, okay you're right.

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: I mean, uh, who... who cares about a little sloppiness?

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: It's, uh... it's endearing, really.

Joey: All right! Now you go get that beautiful pig! (Ross hesitates, looks unsure) Oink!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel, Rachel is there, Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit.

Rachel: Any luck?

Chandler: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called "Invisible things for Kathy." (Motions to an imaginary pile of presents next to him.) Can you give me a hand with all this stuff?

Rachel: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen.

Chandler: She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her.

Rachel: Aw, honey, that's so sweet.

Chandler: Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic?

Rachel: Oh! Pathetic! (Grabs the crossword puzzle and starts writing.)

Joey: (entering) Hey! I'm meeting Kathy in ten minutes! I've been looking all over for you!

Chandler: Where?

Joey: Our place, the hall! I...

Chandler: I got something for her. (Joey picks up the package, shakes it next to his ear, can't hear anything, switches ears, shakes it again.) It's a book!

Joey: (Unimpressed) A book? (Suddenly interested) Is it like a book that's also a safe?

Chandler: No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay?

Joey: You got it. Thanks man. Thanks for doing this, I owe you one. (Joey leaves, comes back in.) Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there?

Chandler: No, it came out to an even twenty.

Joey: Wow. That's almost as much as a new book.

[Scene: In the living room at the funeral]

Mrs. Burkart: (singing) Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those eyes?

[cut to Monica and Phoebe in the kitchen]

Phoebe: You didn't get the money, did you?

Monica: Maybe I can try at intermission? Phoebe, come on... you know what? Let's just go!

Phoebe: No! Hey, we're not leaving until we get paid! I don't know who she thinks she is! Enough is enough! (Phoebe goes into the living room.) Hey, widow?

Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) Come on along and listen to...

Phoebe: Okay, Widow!

Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) ...the lullabye of...

Phoebe: Excuse me. Excuse me! (Mrs. Bukart stops singing) Thanks. Um, clearly this is a very, very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here until we're paid every penny. 'Cause you know what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have no place else to go.

Mrs. Burkart: All right. I'll get my bag.

Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with everyone staring at her.)

Monica: I'm gonna leave some cards here. Please think of us for you next event.

[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment.]

Cheryl: So you want to come inside?

Ross: (mustering up courage) Yes. Yes I do. (They go inside.)

Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit sits on the couch. Something falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.)

Cheryl: (sneaking up behind Ross) Guess who?

Ross: Department of Sanitation?

Cheryl: It's me!

Ross: Oh! (She kisses him) Ah. (They kiss more, and move down onto the couch. Ross's hand moves under some garbage) Aw! (His hand is covered with something brown and gooey.)

Cheryl: What?

Ross: (trying to make his disgust into lust) Ah, Cheryl!

Cheryl: Oh, Ross!

[They sit up, moaning in excitement, and Cheryl straddles Ross. Ross finds a slice of bologna and moans higher and louder, then a bag of potato chips on the coffee table starts to move. Ross throws Cheryl off his lap, grabs a tennis racket and a toilet brush and starts pounding the bag.]

Cheryl: Wait! No! No! It's my hamster! It's Mitzi!

Ross: Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I must have freaked out.

Cheryl: (looking in the bag) Oh, thank god, it's not Mitzi. It's just a rat.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch alone working on a crossword puzzle. Gunther is there, going into the back room.]

Rachel: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug!

[From the background we hear a crash and Gunther comes running out of the back room, pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.]

Gunther: Move!

[Gunther slips and falls just before reaching the back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe come into Central Perk.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey, you guys, I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me!

[Gunther gets up slowly from behind the couch and walks away sadly]

Phoebe: Uh... yay!

Rachel: Thanks!

Monica: Oh, that's great! Congratulations!

Rachel: Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go?

Monica: Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she did.

Phoebe: Yeah. I'm a hard ass.

Monica: And I'm a wuss. And we should be partners.

Phoebe: Yeah. Hard Ass and Wuss. We could fight crime!

Monica: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be partners. We should be catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such a great time together!

Phoebe: Okay!

Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the money.

Phoebe: Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in the fifties!

Both: (screaming with excitement) Aah!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is there, Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the gift?

Joey: Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now.

Chandler: Oh yeah? That's great!

Joey: Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya, I feel kinda bad taking credit for this, because man, am I gonna get a lot of credit for this!

Chandler: [nodding, with mixed feelings] Aahhuuhhh....

[Kathy enters]

Kathy: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Happy birthday.

Kathy: Thank you!

Joey: You know, uh... [Joey moves the pen case out onto the counter.] Chandler got you a gift, too.

Chandler: No he didn't. [Moving it back.]

Joey: Yeah, he did, look... look, it's right there on the counter! Ha-ho-ho!

Chandler: Happy birthday! I'm sorry.

Kathy: You really didn't have to. (Opens the box) Wow.

Chandler: See, you think it's just a pen, but then you turn it over and it's also a clock.

Kathy: Yeah. No, this is great. Thank you, Chandler. (They hug).

Chandler: Oh, yeah... yeah.

Joey: Ah. Hm. (To Kathy) Wanna go to bed?

Kathy: I'll be in in a minute.

Joey: Oh, uh... don't forget your coupon. (Tries to strike a sexy pose up against the doorway to his room. Then goes inside).

Chandler: [to Kathy] Goodnight.

Kathy: Um, thank you for the gift.

Chandler: Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time.

Kathy: No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book.

Chandler: Uh, the book?

Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. I kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it.

Chandler: What do you mean?

Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like Rabbits, and I know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I know how hard it must have been for you to find.

Chandler: (tongue-tied) Uhl..ell. By the way, in case you missed that, that sound was, "Uhl, ell."

Kathy: You must really like... Joey... to go to all that trouble for him.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, he's my... he's my best friend.

Kathy: Well....

Chandler: Goodnight. (Goes to his room.)

Joey: (opening bedroom door) Hey, that coupon expires, you know.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Monica knocks on Cheryl's door]

Monica: Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm Monica Geller... Ross's sister.

Cheryl: Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad that didn't work out.

Monica: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it?

[Cheryl shrugs, shuts the door, looking puzzled]

Monica: No?

[Monica looks around the hallway, pulls out a sponge and starts scrubbing the door frame.]

End

The One Where Chandler Crosses a Line

Written by: Adam Chase

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey and Chandler are there eating breakfast.]

Chandler: (entering in a bathrobe) I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was like torture!

Ross: Y'know if we ever go to war and you’re captured, you’re in for a big surprise.

Chandler: It just keeps getting worse and worse! Y'know? I mean it’s bad enough that I’m in love with my roommates girlfriend—which by the way, I think she knows. Because every time we’re in the room together there’s this weird like energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen her naked. I mean at least when I’ve seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. But there are no boles, she’s smooth! Smooth! (leaves)

(Pause)

Phoebe: Wow! Could everyone totally see up his robe?

All: Yeah! Oh my God!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting a phone number from a woman (Casey) as Chandler watches from the doorway.]

Casey: Here you go.

Joey: Great! All right, so I’ll call you later.

Casey: Great! (leaves)

Chandler: (rushing up) Hey-Hey-Hey! Who was that?

Joey: That would be Casey. We’re going out tonight.

Chandler: Goin’ out, huh? Wow! Wow! (Does a little celebration dance) So things didn’t work out with Kathy, huh? Bummer.

Joey: No, things are fine with Kathy. I’m having a late dinner with her tonight, right after my early dinner with Casey.

Chandler: (shocked) What?

Joey: Yeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is that I just ate a whole pizza by myself! (Laughs)

Chandler: Wait! You’re going out with Kathy!

Joey: Yeah. Why are you getting so upset?

Chandler: Well, I’m upset—for you. I mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you. (He can’t believe he just sad that.)

Joey: What is the big deal? It’s not like we’re exclusive.

Chandler: Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I mean granted I only saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that she’s-she’s smart, and funny, and gets you.

Joey: You got all that from the back of her head?

Chandler: All right look, I think it’s time for you to settle down. Y'know? Make a choice, pick a lane.

Joey: Who’s Elaine?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are sitting on the couch playing cards, and Phoebe is working on a new song.]

Phoebe: (singing) "Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair. Swinging with the greatest of ease…" Darn it! Now, I don’t know who to get to the next verse.

Ross: Oh, you could just go uh, "greatest of ease… (plays air guitar) BAH-bah-bha-bhannn." Then go right into it.

Phoebe: Yeah, ooh, I like that! Yeah. Wait! How do you know about ‘bah-bah-bha-bhan?’

Ross: Well umm, y’know, I used to play.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, that’s right, the keyboards, huh?

Ross: Yeah, just a little in high school, but then I really got into it in college. I mean that’s-that’s when I really found my sound.

(Monica is taking a drink as Ross says that, laughs, and snorts her drink.)

Monica: Oh God! Orange juice just came out of my nose, but it was totally worth it. Oh my God, I completely forgot about your sound.

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: He used to lock himself in the basement for hours. No one was every allowed to hear, "The Sound."

Phoebe: I wanna hear "The Sound."

Ross: Really? No. I mean, nah, I haven’t played in so long, and-and, well it’s-it’s really personal stuff, y’know?

Phoebe: Come on, play that funky music white boy.

Monica: Yeah!

Ross: No, you guys, I mean my keyboards are all the way up in—No, yeah, okay. (Runs out.)

[Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved his keyboard and is about to debut, "The Sound."]

Ross: Okay, guys.

Chandler: All right! Bring it on, you…

Ross: Here we go. (Plays one note) Y’know, I’ve-I’ve never played my stuff for anyone before, so it’s important that-that you understand it’s about communicating very private emotions. (Plays another note) Y’know, umm, you should-you should think of umm, my work as wordless sound poems. That’s what I’m…

Chandler: (interrupting) Oh my God! Play!

(Ross starts to play. He plays a key that has a back beat sound attached to it. Over the background music he plays the sound of a barking dog, a mooing cow, a laser beam, someone coughing, a jackhammer, a doorbell, a police siren, a ray gun, breaking dishes, and for a closer he plays the sound of a loud crash. Basically, the music sucks.)

Monica: (At a loss for words) Boy, that was-that was, umm… terrific.

Chandler: Really, bitchin’!

Phoebe: Wow, it was so—wow!

Ross: Really?! I mean, really?!!

Rachel: Yeah, I mean, you should play in public!

Ross: Wow! Thanks, you guys. That’s uh—ohhh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece! Umm! Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another disk. I’ll be right back! Okay? (Runs to fetch them) This is so nice, I’m—I am so… (starts to break up and leaves)

Monica: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement!

Rachel: Oh, I can’t believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers.

Phoebe: What are you guys talking about, I loved it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus it’s just, it’s so different from the stuff you usually hear.

Chandler: You mean like, music?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching Yasmein Bleeth running on TV, and the duck starts quacking.]

Chandler: Yeah, I know what you’re thinkin’! Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Chandler: Come in!

Kathy: (entering) Hey! (sees what’s on TV) Oh God, is that Baywatch?

Chandler: Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles.

Kathy: So is Joey around?

Chandler: No-no, he’s not back yet, but he’ll be here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a seat. Bow or stern?

Kathy: I uh, don’t really have a preference. You?

Chandler: I like it in the stern. (Realizes what he just said.) …of the boat. (The phone rings, and he answers it.) (on phone) Hello.

Joey: (on the other end at a pay phone) Hey, it’s me. Listen Casey and I were on our way back and had a little car trouble.

Chandler: What happened?

Joey: We broke down on the Parkway, so I have to walk back and get some transmission fluid. And hey, listen could you please tell Kathy that I’ll be there as soon as I can.

Chandler: Why can’t you tell her?

Joey: ‘Cause I only have one quarter, and I think my time is about to—(he stops talking suddenly)

Chandler: Joey! Joey!!

Joey: Yeah?

Chandler: I thought your time ran out.

Joey: Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of more—(his time runs out for real)

Chandler: (to Kathy) Uhh, that was Joey. He’s running a little late, he says he’s sorry.

Kathy: Oh.

Chandler: So I guess it’s just uh, you and me then.

Kathy: Oh, okay.

Chandler: Yeah, I think it is!

Kathy: So what did you do today?

Chandler: Oh, I had an appointment to get my haircut…

Kathy: (interrupting) Oh, it looks great!

Chandler: …and then it got canceled.

Kathy: Well, I could cut it.

Chandler: Really?! You do that?

Kathy: Yeah, I do. Of course, I learned at my aunt’s dog grooming shop, but hey, what do you say?

Chandler: Dog grooming huh? Okay, just don’t make my tail too poofy.

[Cut to later, Kathy is cutting Chandler’s hair.]

Kathy: You have really great hair.

Chandler: Well, thanks. I grow it myself. (Kathy is running her fingers through his hair, and Chandler catches himself enjoying it too much.) Y’know who also has great hair is Joey!

Kathy: Yes! Yeah! Joey has great hair! Umm, I’m basically done here. Just let me get this off your neck.

(Kathy leans in really close and Chandler mouths "Oh my God." She moves around in front of him and kneels at his feet.)

Chandler: What-what ‘cha doin’?

Kathy: Checking to see if it’s even.

Chandler: ‘Kay.

Kathy: Looks good.

(They lean in to kiss and are interrupted by the phone.)

Chandler: (jumping up to answer the phone) Oh the phone! The phone’s making sounds! (On phone) Hello!

Joey: (on phone) Hey dude, it’s me.

Chandler: Hey it’s Joey!

Joey: Listen uh, I’m really sorry, it looks like I’m gonna be stuck here for a while. I got the transmission fluid, but when I went to put it in the car, the transmission wasn’t there!

Chandler: What?

Joey: Yeah, it must’ve fallen out a few blocks back. I just figured we hit a dog.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Listen uh, could you put Kathy on, I wanna apologize.

Chandler: Oh yeah man. (to Kathy) Joey. (Hands her the phone.)

Kathy: (on phone) Hey. (listens) Oh no it’s fine, don’t worry about it. (listens) Yeah-no, stop apologizing, it’s okay. (listens) Yeah! I’ll talk to you tomorrow. (hangs up) (to Chandler) I should uh, probably go.

Chandler: Yeah. Yes! Yeah.

(Kathy leaves and Chandler groans in agony. Kathy knocks on the door and Chandler opens it.)

Kathy: I forgot my purse.

Chandler: Oh.

(They kiss, passionately.)

Kathy: No, I really did forget my purse.

(They kiss again.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, continued from earlier. Chandler and Kathy are still kissing, then they stop suddenly.]

Chandler: No-no-no-no, this is bad! It’s bad! This is bad!

Kathy: Horrible!

Chandler: Wait the uh, the kiss or the situation?

Kathy: No-no-no, the kiss was good.

Chandler: Okay!

Kathy: No, but that’s bad!

Chandler: Ooh! Yes! Okay! Here’s what we do, we-we forget it happened.

Kathy: What?!

Chandler: Okay, we-we swallow our feelings. Even if it means we’re unhappy forever. Sound good?

Kathy: Can you really do that?

Chandler: I have to; he’s my best friend, and you’re seeing him.

Kathy: Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but with you…

Chandler: (interrupting) Oh-no-no-no! Don’t! Don’t! See-see, you’re getting me confused, I’m starting to urn.

Kathy: I’m sorry. If you wanna pretend that nothing happened, I can try.

Chandler: I-I think we have too.

Kathy: Okay. Bye.

Chandler: Bye. (Kathy leaves and Chandler wonders over to and leans up against the door.) Are you still out there?

Kathy: (outside the door) No. (Chandler opens the door and they kiss again.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is performing, his music hasn’t improved.]

Ross: (His voice is altered to sound like a computer.) Electrifying. (He plays the sound of a ticking clock.) Emphatic time-time-time…

Monica: (to Rachel and Phoebe) Y'know, there’s a Starbucks about three blocks down.

Phoebe: (pushing Monica back onto the couch) It’s so inspired! Look at him! Look at him go!

[cut back to Ross who finally finishes his so-called song with the same crash from before. He gets some applause, mainly ‘cause he’s done.]

Ross: (with the altered voice) Thank you guys-guys-guys…

Monica: (to Phoebe) Hey, aren’t you up next?

Phoebe: Oh no, I’m not playing tonight.

Rachel: Why not?

Phoebe: I can’t follow Ross! It’d be like those bicycle ridding chimps that followed The Beetles. No.

Monica: Phoebe, Ross sucks!

Rachel: Phoebe, the place has emptied because of him.

Phoebe: Oh my God, he’s not even appreciated in his own time. I would give anything to not be appreciated in my own time!

(Rachel and Monica look at each other, and agree on something without saying anything.)

Monica: Okay. Umm, Phoebe, you suck too.

Rachel: Yeah, Phoebe you’re… awful!

Phoebe: You guys. You suck too. (She hugs them both.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is opening the door, but Chandler has the chain on it.]

Joey: Aww man! I can’t believe I locked myself out again! (He knocks on the door.)

Chandler: Hang on buddy! (He goes over and unlocks the door and opens it to reveal a fully furnished apartment.)

Joey: (rushing in) Oh my God! What happened here? Did you do all this?

Chandler: I sure did.

Joey: Why?

Chandler: Well, I just thought it’d make me feel good to do something nice for my friend.

Joey: Well, you’re amazing.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no. This is amazing. (He goes over and presses a button on a remote control that opens the entertainment center doors revealing the TV.)

Joey: (very excited) A TV as if it appears from nowhere! That’s the dream! Man, how did you afford this stuff?

Chandler: Well, y’know I’m 29. I mean who needs a savings account.

Joey: Oh, you are the best friends anyone has ever had.

Chandler: Oh, I don’t know.

Joey: Oh-no-no-no, you are! You do this, you give me the great advice, and hey listen, I was thinking about what you said yesterday about focusing on one woman, I’m gonna do that.

Chandler: You mean with Casey.

Joey: No-no-no, I think I’m gonna see how things go with Kathy. She’s pretty cool.

Chandler: Or Casey.

Joey: No-no, Kathy.

Chandler: Could be Casey.

Joey: No. No, Kathy.

Chandler: Consider Casey.

Joey: Y’know what I think? I think somebody’s got a little crush on Casey. How ‘bout I fix you two up? What do you think?

Chandler: That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross has just finished playing.]

Ross: (to Phoebe) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! You were really great! You were really, really great!

Ross: Oh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me that uh, you don’t want to play anymore because me and y'know my talent. Is that true?

Phoebe: Well, kinda. Yeah. Yeah.

Ross: Pheebs…

Phoebe: Yeah, I-I can’t—I mean y’know I was trying to be really y'know okay and upbeat about it, I just—I feel so dwarfed by your musical gift. I…

Ross: See but, Pheebs that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music. Y’know my music is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, then I… I won’t play anymore.

Phoebe: Oh no. No-no-no, don’t do that! How could I live with myself if I knew I was depriving the world of your music.

Ross: Yeah, okay.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch and Phoebe is getting coffee as Chandler enters. Ross is also there.]

Ross: Hey Chandler! Saw the new furniture. Very nice.

Monica: Yeah! Joey has the best boyfriend ever!

Chandler: I kissed Kathy.

Ross: What?

Monica: Are you serious?

Phoebe: Does Joey know?

Chandler: No. Is there anyway, anyway you think he’ll understand this?

Monica: You obviously haven’t screwed over a lot of your friends. (They all look at her) Which we all appreciate.

Ross: No the-the sad thing is, if you had told him how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey, he probably just would’ve just stepped aside.

Chandler: Oh, don’t say that! Don’t say that. That’s not true. Is it?

Phoebe: I think maybe, yeah.

Monica: He loves you.

Chandler: Then why didn’t you tell me to do that?!!

Ross: Well, I said-I said something to Phoebe.

Phoebe: Yeah! No, that’s right. And I thought it was a really good idea.

Rachel: I know, I remember that!

Monica: I remember you did.

Chandler: God!! (Sits down in disgust.) What am I gonna do?!

Rachel: Well, Chandler, you’re gonna have to tell him.

Chandler: Why?! Why do I have to tell him?!

Rachel: Because you do.

Chandler: Yeah, I know.

Ross: Hey, would it be okay if I wrote a song about this.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey! Samboucha Margarita?

Chandler: Is that a real thing?

Joey: Well, we only had samboucha, so it is now.

Chandler: Listen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to talk to you about something.

Joey: What’s up?

Chandler: It’s-it’s about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like her. I like her a lot actually.

Joey: You do?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Well, you’re timing couldn’t be better. She’s not my girlfriend anymore.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Yeah, she broke up with me.

Chandler: Oh uh, when?

Joey: Just now, after acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kind of scene, that’s why I let people watch.

Chandler: Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you okay?

Joey: Well, I’ve been better. But, I’m all right. So you like her huh?

Chandler: Yes, but I-I uh, don’t have too.

Joey: No-no-no, no it’s uh, it’s okay.

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. You know why? ‘Cause you came to me first.

Chandler: Well, I thought that would be the best thing to do.

Joey: But hey, listen just so you know, you might have you’re work cut out for you. ‘Cause when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that she’s into some other guy. So…

Chandler: See uh, that’s-that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I-I think I know who the other guy is.

Joey: Who?

Chandler: It’s me. I’m the other guy.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and…

Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!

Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her.

Joey: What?!! That’s even worse!!

Chandler: How is that worse?!

Joey: I don’t know! But it’s the same!

Chandler: Look, I’m sorry! But there’s nothing I can do, I think I’m in love with her!

Joey: Who cares?! You went behind my back! I would never do that to you!

Chandler: You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.

Joey: Over the line?! You-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

Chandler: Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me!

Joey: Is that why you bought all this stuff?! (Chandler makes a face like "Well, kinda.") Well, y’know what I will not watch your TV, I will not listen to your stereo, and there’s a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that I’m not gonna eat! You know why?!

Chandler: Probably because…

Joey: Because it’s all tainted with your betrayal. From now on this apartment is empty for me! And I’m not happy about you either. (The bread maker dings) Oh, and just so you know, I made that bread for you. (Joey walks into his bedroom and slams the door.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is playing his music. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: Oh my God, he’s lost it. He’s totally lost it.

Monica: (removing ear plugs) What?

Rachel: Phoebe, his music could not get any worse. There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves.

(Ross finally finishes with the same crash, and gets some applause.)

Ross: Thank you, thanks. (Sits down next to the girls) Yeah, I lost it. Y’know, I’m not gonna play anymore, (to Phoebe) would you, can you finish my set?

Phoebe: After that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can help.

(Phoebe gets up and goes to play, Ross goes over and sits down next to Monica and Rachel.)

Ross: Yeah, like I could lose it.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I played bad on purpose guys.

(Both Monica and Rachel laugh.)

Monica: Okay, so you were trying to play bad this whole time.

Ross: Yeah—no, just that last song.

End

The One With Chandler in a Box

Written by: Michael Borkow

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is sitting at the counter reading a magazine as the phone rings.]

Joey: (answering phone) Hello.

Chandler: (on phone) Hey, it’s me. I know you can’t stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought I’d try and apologize over the phone. All I… (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.)

(Pause)

(The phone rings again.)

Joey: (answering phone) Hello.

Chandler: Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I’m… (Joey hangs up the phone again.)

(Pause)

(The phone rings yet again.)

Joey: (answering phone) Stop callin’!!

Voice: (on phone) Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3, WXRK, K-Rock for our $1,000 daily challenge.

Joey: All right!

Voice: What is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything… (Joey realizes it’s Chandler and hangs up the phone in anger.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey and Chandler are there getting ready for Thanksgiving.]

Chandler: (entering) Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks! Aww!

Phoebe: Look everyone, it’s the spirit of Thanksgiving!

Rachel: So are things with you and Joey any better?

Chandler: They couldn’t be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me.

Rachel: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh?

Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?

Rachel: You shouldn’t.

Phoebe: Speaking of Christmas, umm since Monica and I are starting a new business and have like no money, umm, this year maybe we could do secret Santa, and then we each only buy one gift. And-and there’s the added mystery of who gets who.

Ross: Who gets whom. (They all look at him.) I don’t know why I do that.

[Cut to later, the gang, minus Joey, is watching the Thanksgiving Day parade.]

Rachel: Well, I’m gonna take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy.

Monica: We haven’t eaten yet!

Rachel: I know, but all that work you’re doing to get it ready, I just… (goes into her bedroom.)

Chandler: Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa, ‘cause I wanna trade for her.

Phoebe: I picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh!

Chandler: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly?

Phoebe: Because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it’s like impossible to get her something she likes. Come on, let’s trade!

Chandler: Oh that’s not true! That’s not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it… (notices the look on Monica and Phoebe’s faces.) Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it… (Phoebe looks confused.) Her initials…

Phoebe: Ohh.

Monica: Well, maybe you could give to somebody else. Ooh, like Ross Geller.

Chandler: Op, y'know what though, it’s kind’ve a girlie briefcase.

Monica: Who cares? He works in a museum!

Chandler: Hey, what time is it? The big game is about to start!

Phoebe: You don’t have to do that, Ross and Joey aren’t here, you can watch the parade if you want.

Chandler: Thanks.

Monica: What is wrong with this freezer?! (She jabs her arm into the freezer and a piece of ice flies into her eye.) Ow! Ow!!

Phoebe: God, what happened?!

Monica: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye!

Rachel: (standing in her doorway) People are trying to sleep in here!

Chandler: Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts.

Phoebe: Open it up, let me see.

Monica: Oh, y’know what, I can’t, it really kills.

Chandler: Well maybe you should put some ice on it.

Phoebe: Ooh, God it looks bad.

Rachel: Honey, maybe we should take you to a doctor.

Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I can’t go to him when I don’t have a boyfriend!

Chandler: He’s really picky about his patients.

Phoebe: Honey, you’ve got to go. What’s his office number?

Monica: Like I remember his office number! (Pause) Speed dial 7.

Phoebe: (on phone) Hi! Yeah, I’m calling on behalf of Monica Geller’s eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in today. (Listens) (to Monica) He’s out of town, but does she want to see the on-call doctor?

Monica: Yes!!

Phoebe: Yes! She’s very excited about that.

[Cut to later, Phoebe is adding butter to something and Ross is watching.]

Phoebe: This is so cool, ‘til Monica gets back, it’s like I’m head chef and I get to make all the decisions. (She looks at the remaining butter, and then decides to add it to the dish.)

Ross: Hey-hey, I thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly!

Phoebe: Okay, get out of my kitchen!

Chandler: (entering) All right! Okay! I think I am making some progress with Joey, when I went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once! (Ross is pleased.) I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it.

Phoebe: All right I… I gotta call my mom and ask her a left handed cooking question.

Ross: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret Santa, but I’m already getting her something for Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch.

Chandler: Oh y’know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you.

Ross: Really?! Wow! That’s-that’s so nice, what are you gonna get me?

Chandler: I don’t know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your office.

Ross: Yeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with me.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you don’t want to do that, then you’re gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets.

Ross: Oh, that’s not true! I’ve got her lots of stuff she never took back.

Chandler: Like?

Ross: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last year.

Chandler: When was the last time you saw her wear it?

Ross: Well, she wore it all Christmas day, and then uh…

Chandler: Big dog?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is repacking the furniture into boxes to return it.]

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: What are you doing?

Joey: I’m sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt.

Ross: Everything? Even the TV?

Joey: No! I’m putting that in my room.

Ross: Listen, Joey, I know what he did was wrong but don’t you think you could at least hear the guy out?

Joey: Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?

Ross: That’s a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him?

Joey: Five years.

Ross: You’ve sentenced him?!

Joey: Hey! Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

Ross: Joey, the guy’s your best friend.

Joey: No, was my best friend. Anyway, I don’t know why you’re pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend, there’s a spot open.

Ross: Oh, who? Me?

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: Wow! I’m honored! And y’know what I’m gonna do as my first act as your best friend?

Joey: What?

Ross: I’m gonna get you to talk to Chandler.

Joey: All right. But if you weren’t my best friend.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are sitting at a table and talking about Joey.]

Kathy: Oh my God, is it really that bad?

Chandler: I walk into a room and he won’t even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.

Joey: (entering) Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler?

Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of who is over there.

(Joey turns around and sees them kissing.)

Kathy: Oh.

Chandler: Hey Joe.

Joey: (Something in Italian.) (Storms out.)

[Scene: Dr. Burke’s office, Rachel and Monica are waiting as the doctor arrives.]

Doctor: I’ll be right with you. Okay? (to the nurse) Thanks, Wendy.

Monica: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor?

Rachel: Ooh, so cute, that I’m thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.

(The intercom buzzes.)

Nurse: Dr. Burke will see you know.

Monica: Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of town. The-the on-call doctor will see me now.

Nurse: Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now.

Dr. Timothy Burke: Ready?

(Monica looks at Rachel, who gives her the thumbs up.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is packing as Chandler rushes in.]

Chandler: Hey! I’m sorry! That—(sees that Joey is about to leave) where are you going?

Joey: My folks.

Chandler: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?

Joey: I don’t know. I might stay there for a few days while I look for an apartment.

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Yeah, y’know at first I thought we could talk about this y’know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I don’t think I…

Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I’ll stop seeing her?

Joey: Look, it’s not about her. Okay? But seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. And I don’t want to live with some one who doesn’t know what it is to be a friend. So, I’ll see ya. (He starts to leave, but Chandler grabs his bag and stops him.)

Chandler: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up!

Joey: Yeah! You did! And that’s why I’m leaving.

(The chick and the duck walk into the living room.)

Chandler: All right look, if you’re not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! Okay, they have had a very difficult year! What with the robbery and all!

Joey: When that guy was robbing us, and I was locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what I was doing in there all that time? I was thinking about how I let you down!

Chandler: What?

Joey: Yeah! But if would’ve know what kind of friend you were gonna turn out to be, I wouldn’t have worried about it so much! See you around!

Chandler: All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. (Joey looks intrigued) What?

Joey: We’ve got a box. (Motions to a large wooden box next to him.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Dr. Burke’s office, Tim is examining Monica.]

Tim: Last time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you were just standing outside The Dairy Queen.

Monica: I was probably waiting for it to open.

Tim: I gotta tell you, you look great now.

Monica: You look great too.

Tim: You’re an excellent patient!

Monica: So how does it look?

Tim: Well, you’ve got a little scratch on your cornea, your gonna have to wear a patch for a couple of days.

Monica: Like a pirate?!

Tim: If that helps you.

Monica: Umm, so how long have you been working with your dad? (He looks at her) Come on, one of us had to mention him.

Tim: I moved back here a couple of months ago.

Monica: Oh. Big family dinner tonight?

Tim: Uh. (He holds up a brown lunch bag.)

Monica: No way!

Tim: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend’s.

Monica: (disappointed) Oh.

Tim: But we broke up.

Monica: (happy) Oh.

Tim: She-she wasn’t ready for a serious commitment.

Monica: (sympathetic) Oh. (in a pirate’s voice) So you made her walk the plank? Aye, matie?

Tim: You’re not wearing the patch yet.

Monica: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, It’s closer to dinner. Monica has just told everyone that Tim is coming to dinner.]

Ross: He’s coming here for Thanksgiving!

Rachel: I know, it’s sick.

Monica: Why is it sick?

Rachel: Because it’s Richard’s son! It’s like inviting Greek tragedy over for dinner!

Monica: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you understand don’t you?

Phoebe: Yeah, I can see where I’d be your best shot but, no. I’m sorry, but I think it’s twisted.

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: (coming out of the bathroom) What’s twisted?

Monica: Me going out with Richard’s son.

Joey: Ewwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Chandler: (He is now in the box, in their living room.) Sounds like a really bad idea to me.

Rachel: Is he okay in there?

Joey: He’s fine!

Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard’s son, you’d be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.

Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a lesbian, (points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, (points to Chandler) livin’ in a box!! (goes to her room)

Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the box?

Joey: Chandler?

Chandler: The meaning of the box is three fold. One (holds a finger up through the air hole), it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two (holds up another finger), it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three (holds up a third finger), it hurts!

Ross: (to Rachel) Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember the necklace I gave you last year? Can I see it?

Rachel: (worried) Why?

Ross: I just wanna check something.

Rachel: Okay. (She goes into her bedroom)

Ross: (He puts his hand over the hole on the box.) (to Chandler) Now, we’ll see.

Chandler: Air hole! Air hole!! (Ross retracts his hand quickly.)

Rachel: (coming out of her bedroom with a necklace) Here it is! I love it. I wear it all the time.

Ross: (grabbing the necklace) The necklace I got you was gold, this one is silver.

Rachel: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed.

Ross: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it!

Rachel: Well isn’t it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of?

Ross: What did you get?

Rachel: Credit.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Monica: (running in from her bedroom) I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! (opens the door) Hi, Tim.

Tim: Hi. (gives her a bottle of wine)

Monica: Thank you. Come meet my friends. This is uh, Phoebe.

Tim: Hi, nice to meet you.

Monica: And Joey.

Joey: Hey!

Tim: Hi, Joey.

Monica: My brother, Ross.

Ross: Hey.

Monica: And Rachel. (Chandler clears his voice loudly) And that’s Chandler.

Chandler: How do ya do.

Tim: What’s…

Monica: Umm, well, he’s…

Joey: He’s doin’ some thinkin’!

[cut to later, Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Tim are watching the football game, and they all cheer loudly.]

Chandler: What happened? What happened?!

Joey: You kissed my girlfriend!

(A commercial for sunglasses comes on.)

Rachel: Ooh, I like those sunglasses.

Ross: Like ‘em, like ‘em? Or, I’d like to get store credit for that amount like ‘em?

Rachel: (Swears in Italian, it’s the same term used by Joey earlier and Joey nods his approval.)

Monica: All right everybody, this turkey is ready!

Tim: Where can I wash up?

Monica: Here, let me show you. Okay, the towels are hanging next to the sink, and umm, you can use the fancy soap.

Tim: Thank you.

Rachel: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin’ that for the Pope!

Monica: See he’s nice. Right?

Phoebe: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That’s not how your dad used to do it."

Tim: Wow! Everything looks great! Where should I sit?

Monica: I saved you a seat. (Motions to the one next to her.)

Rachel: (pouring the wine) Sick-sick-sick-sick.

(There’s a loud knocking.)

Phoebe: Oh, I’ll get it. (goes over to the door.)

Chandler: Gotcha! (laughs)

Joey: That doesn’t sound like thinking to me!

Chandler: Sorry!

Joey: Y’know I don’t think you should be talking at all in there! I think you’ve got to much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes!

Chandler: Okay, okay, you got it!

Rachel: Ross, can you pass me the yams?

Ross: Sure! Oh, and Joey’s got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them.

Rachel: Would you stop?! What is the matter with you?!

Monica: Oh-ho-ho, we’ve got company.

Ross: There’s nothing the matter with me. See, I’m not completely devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings.

Rachel: Okay, fine. (She gets up and walks into her bedroom)

(an awkward silence follows)

Chandler: You can’t tell, but I’m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!

Joey: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! This means something to me! And if it doesn’t mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise you’re just an idiot in a box!

Chandler: You’re right, and I’m sorry! This means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I won’t say another word tonight.

Joey: So are you gonna start taking this thing seriously?

Chandler: Absolutely!

Joey: That sounds like another word to me! Are you gonna take this seriously? (There’s no response from Chandler.) Okay.

(Rachel comes back carrying a shoe box.)

Rachel: Don’t say that I have no sentiment! (Starts to show Ross what’s in the box.) This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed! (Holds up a bone) This is from the museum from the first time we… were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter!

Ross: I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry. Though, you’re not supposed to take these. (Points to the bone) It’s like a million years old, we, we actually, we had people looking for that.

(Rachel glares at him.)

[Cut to the balcony with Monica and Tim.]

Monica: (putting off her coat) Ooh, this always happens. (Her coat gets stuck.)

Tim: Here, let me help. (Does so.)

Monica: Thank you.

Tim: You-you have a very beautiful… eye.

Monica: Y’know all my friends think this is weird.

Tim: Y’know I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I mean I almost called and canceled, but it really isn’t.

Monica: I know! I mean it’s like me and your dad, that’s a totally separate thing.

Tim: Oh, I totally agree.

Monica: We’re just two people who find each other very attractive. Right?

(Tim leans in to kiss her. They stop, and when he tries to kiss her again, Monica pulls away.)

Tim: What?

Monica: Nothing. Nothing.

Tim: No-no really, was-was that not okay?

Monica: No-no-no that was good, it was, that was uh, that was a goood kiss…

Tim: Oh my God! It didn’t remind you of…

Monica: (interrupting) Don’t say it!

Tim: No, but it did! Didn’t it?!

Monica: Yeah!

Tim: Oh man!!

Monica: I know!

(They both shiver in horror.)

[cut to later, Tim has left. Monica is still shivering. There’s a knock on the door.]

Joey: I’ll get it. (It’s Kathy.)

Kathy: (sees it’s Joey) Oh.

Joey: Hey.

Kathy: Hey. Listen, I want you to know how sorry I am…

Joey: That’s okay. Chandler’s the one I’m mad at.

Kathy: Well, I’m still sorry. Is he here?

Joey: In the box.

Kathy: (going over to the box) Chandler?

Phoebe: Oh, he-he can’t talk right now.

Kathy: Why not? What’s going on?

Phoebe: He’s just trying to show Joey how much he means to him.

Kathy: By being in a box?

Rachel: Joey, had reasons.

Phoebe: They were threefold.

Kathy: Oh. Well uh, (to Chandler) you not being able to talk may make this easier. Listen umm… (She looks at the gang who are watching, they take the hint and leave them alone.) Listen I don’t wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I can’t stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I don’t wanna be the cause of that. So, I don’t think we can see each other anymore. I’m gonna go to my mom’s in Chicago, I’m gonna stay there for awhile. I think this could’ve be something really amazing, but y’know this is probably for the best. Y’know? I’m gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler.

(She gets up and leaves, Chandler waves good-bye with one finger extended through the air hole. Ross glares at Joey.)

Joey: (starting to cry) Open the box!! (Runs over to do so.)

Rachel: What?!

Joey: He can still catch her! Come on, get out of there! (He opens the box) Get out of there!

Chandler: So?

Joey: Yeah, we’re gonna be fine! Get out!

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah, you did some real good thinkin’ in there.

Chandler: Man, this is…

(Joey says something unintelligible and they hug.)

Joey: Now go! ‘Cause you can still catch her! And Merry Christmas from you’re secret Santa! (Chandler runs out and closes the door.)

(After he’s gone.)

Joey: All right, who got Chandler? ‘Cause I uh, need to trade.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, the gang is all there watching Chandler.]

Rachel: Oh, he sees her!

Monica: Oh, he’s catching up to her!

Phoebe: Oh, she sees him! Oh, they’re hugging!

Ross: He’s taking her purse!

Joey: Uhh, that’s not them. I’m gonna go call the police.

Phoebe: Oh, there they are!

(They watch them making up and sigh)

Phoebe: All right, get a room.

End

The One Where They’re Gonna PARTY!

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are showing everyone the van they bought for the catering business. It’s an old Dodge van, that has a cartoon woman riding on a dragon painted on the side of it.]

Phoebe: Okay!

Monica: Come on, no peeking! (They are leading the gang out with there hands over their eyes.)

Chandler: Our eyes are closed and we’re about to cross the street. Very good.

Phoebe: Okayyyyy, open up!

(They open their eyes and are stunned at the van.)

Ross: What did you want to show us? Because all I can see is this bitchin' van!

Phoebe: Yeah, it’s for our catering business!

Joey: I think I know that girl.

Monica: All right, umm, we’re not gonna really keep it this way though.

Rachel: No?

Phoebe: No, we’re gonna paint over the sword, and replace it with a baguette.

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: And also, we don’t know what to do with this. (She turns on a switch and the girl’s nipples light up.)

Joey: Oh yeah, I definitely know her.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all there.]

Monica: (to Phoebe) Remember that guy from cooking school I told you about that put cilantro with everything?

Phoebe: Oh sure, Cilantro Larry.

Monica: Well, I’m gonna fill in for him as food critic for the Chelsea Reporter.

Monica: Wow, Monica! What an amazing opportunity to influence… dozens of people.

Phoebe: How could you say yes, what about our catering business?

Monica: Oh no-no-no, it’s only one night a week, and plus I get to take all of you out for a lot of free dinners.

All: Yay!!

Phoebe: Oh, in that case—(hops up and down in joy)—Yay! (Monica looks confused) That was me hopping on board.

Monica: Oh.

Chandler: (entering) Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party?

Ross: I don’t know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there’s this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch.

Chandler: No-no, I don’t think you heard me. Are you ready to party?!

Ross: Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to town?

Chandler: Kathy’s with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude!

Ross: Dude, we are sooo gonna party!

Phoebe: Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy?

Ross: Mike "Gandolf" Ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world.

Chandler: I’m gonna call and get off work tomorrow!

Ross: I’m gonna call after you!

Chandler: This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore!

Chandler and Ross: Woooo!!!

Monica: All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van?

Joey: Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?

Ross: Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf is like the party wizard!

Joey: Well, why do you call him Gandolf?

Ross: Gandolf the wizard. (Joey is still confused) Hello! Didn’t you read Lord of the Rings in high school?

Joey: No, I had sex in high school.

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel and Sophie are sitting at their desks working as Joanna walks in.]

Rachel: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something. There’s an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss…

Joanna: (interrupting) Okay, but that would actually be a big step down for me.

Rachel: Well, actually, I meant for me. The hiring committee is meeting people all day and…

Joanna: Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you can’t stay my assistant forever. Neither can you Sophie, but for different reasons.

Rachel: God, I am so glad you don’t have a problem with this, because if you did, I wouldn’t even consider applying.

Joanna: Really? Well, in that case…

Rachel: (interrupting) And that’s I’m so glad… there’s no problem.

Joanna: That’s fine, actually I’m on the hiring committee, so there’ll be at least one friendly face.

Rachel: Ohh! That’s great!

Joanna: You know, Junior Miss is where I started. Oh, I had to sleep with the ugliest guy to get that job.

Rachel: Really?!

Joanna: No-ho-ho! (pause) Yeah. (pause) I mean, no-no-no-no-no, don’t you worry, I’m sure with your qualifications you won’t need to sleep with some guy to get that job. Although, I might need some convincing.

Rachel: Well, I, umm…

Joanna: Kidding! God, I feel wild today!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready to party.]

Chandler: Oh man! I am so excited—I may vomit!

Joey: Will you calm down, he’s just a human guy.

Chandler: Look you don’t understand, Gandolf is amazing. Y’know you’re never know what’s gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia!

Joey: Really?!

Chandler: Oh yeah, it’s beautiful country up there.

Ross: (entering) Hey! Okay! I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite kit!

Chandler: It’s not gonna be exactly like last time.

Joey: All right, I’ll see you guys.

Chandler and Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa!

Chandler: Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

Joey: I have an audition, but I’ll definitely hook up with you later. Where are you gonna be around noon?

Ross: Somewhere maybe along the equator?

Joey: Okay. (leaves as the phone rings)

Chandler: (answering it) Hello. (listens) (to Ross) It’s Gandolf!!! (on phone) So, are you in town? (listens) (disappointed) Oh, well, well maybe next time then. (Hangs up)

Ross: What happened?

Chandler: He’s not gonna make it, he’s stuck in Chicago.

Ross: Ohh, man! Chicago, is sooo lucky!

Chandler: Stupid, useless Canadian money!

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is meeting with Mr. Posner, Mrs. Lynch, and Joanna the hiring committee.]

Mr. Posner: You have a very impressive resume, Ms. Green. I especially like what I see here about implementing a new filing system.

Rachel: Thank you.

Joanna: Filing system? Oh-oh! You mean those-those little colored labels you put on all the folders? (to the committee) It certainly did brighten up the inside of the filing cabinets.

Rachel: Well, they uh, they-they do more than that.

Mrs. Lynch: I notice that you’ve been trusted with a lot of rather important responsibilities.

Rachel: Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me.

Joanna: Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible in getting my morning bagel for me. It’s amazing how she gets it right almost every time!

Rachel: I-I-I of course, I have more responsibilities than that.

Joanna: Oh yes, well there’s the coffee too. (to the committee) Rachel can carry two things at once!

Mr. Posner: Yes, that’s very good. Now a uh, big part of this job is cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers.

Rachel: Yes, I realize that…

Joanna: (interrupting) And Rachel shouldn’t have any problem with that. The only problem might be getting a little too friendly, if you know what I mean.

Rachel: I love working with designers!

Joanna: With them, under them, what’s the difference? Eh, Rach?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is there as Monica enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers.]

Monica: Hey! My first review is out!

Phoebe: Ohh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter, ohh, this used to keep me so warm.

Monica: All right, look at my on the back page.

Phoebe: Oh, okay! (reading) "Would I go back to Allesandro’s? Sure, but I’d have to order two meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing the gun to my head." (to Monica) Wow! You really laid into this place.

Monica: Hey, they don’t pay me a penny a word to make friends.

Phoebe: Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy that who could fix up the van for catering.

Monica: Oh! Do you need me to go with you?

Phoebe: No-no, it’s okay. But are we sure we don’t want the waterbed?

Monica: Haven’t we made this decision?

Phoebe: Yeah, all right. (starts to leave)

Monica: Bye!

Phoebe: Bye!

(The intercom buzzes.)

Monica: (answering it) Who is it?

Allesandro: It’s Allesandro, from Allesandro’s.

Monica: Oh my God.

Allesandro: I want to talk to you about your review.

Monica: Oh my God, oh my God. (on intercom) Call me on the phone!

Allesandro: Why? So you could hang up on me?

Monica: Look, I-I’m never gonna let you up so you may as well just go away.

Allesandro: Just give me a chance too…

Phoebe: (on intercom) Hey, do you need to get in? Here you go.

Monica: No! Phoebe!

Phoebe: Hey, Monica!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Allesandro: (entering) I want a retraction! Our food is not inedible swill!

Monica: I couldn’t eat it! I had five friends who couldn’t eat it, and one of them eats books.

Allesandro: Well our service is not grossly incompetent.

Monica: The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants!

Allesandro: Well, you said that we except the Discover Card, which we do not!

Monica: All right, that I’ll retract. But I stand by my review, I know food and that wasn’t it. You’re marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice! You should serve it with vodka and a piece of celery.

Allesandro: Hey! I’m proud of that sauce, it’s delicious.

Monica: Oh my God! You own an Italian restaurant and you think that tastes good?! Where are you even from?

Allesandro: (shyly) Lebanon.

Monica: Hand me those tomatoes, I’m gonna show you what it should taste like! Come on, hand me them.

Allesandro: How long is this gonna take? ‘Cause I got another critic to go yell at.

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel is confronting Joanna about her interview.]

Rachel: (entering Joanna’s office) Umm, Joanna? I wanna talk about that interview.

Joanna: I thought it went very well.

Rachel: No! It didn’t! That’s what I want to talk to you about. (starts to break up) Now, just to brief you… (starts to cry) I may cry, but they are not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you.

Joanna: Rachel, please, don’t make a scene.

Rachel: There’s nobody here!

Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie enters) You see! Now you’re making Sophie uncomfortable!

Sophie: She’s not making me uncomfortable.

Joanna: Congratulations! You now just crossed the line into completely useless. Get out. (Sophie starts to cry and leaves)

Rachel: Do you want me to quit?

Joanna: What?! What would make you think that?

Rachel: Well of those things that you said in the interview, I mean if you believe any of them, I must not be a very good assistant. Y’know what? I am just gonna pack up my desk, (She goes over to get all of her belongings from the desk, which amount to a muffin and a pen) and I will be gone by the end of the day! (Realizes she has nothing.) Well, I guess there’s no use to me sticking around ‘til the end of the day! (Starts to leave.)

Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait! You can put your sad little muffin back in it’s drawer. If you must know the truth, I didn’t want to lose a perfectly good assistant.

Rachel: What?

Joanna: That’s why I said all those things about your flirting and your drinking…

Rachel: My drinking?

Joanna: Oh, I must’ve said that after you left.

Rachel: Said what? Exactly.

Joanna: That you enjoyed the occasional drink…ing binge.

Rachel: Oh my God!! Ohh, that is it! I’m leaving! You are just a horrible person!

Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!! If you’re gonna get all sensitive about it! I don’t want to lose you. What if I, create a position for you? I’ll make you an assistant buyer in this department.

Rachel: Say more things like that.

Joanna: You can have your own office, and a raise! Effective tomorrow.

Rachel: I’d need an expense account.

Joanna: Done!

Rachel: And an assistant.

Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie peeks in around the corner)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are watching TV as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey! What are you guys doing here? I thought you’d be out partying with Gandel-worf.

Ross: It’s Gandolf, and he’s not coming.

Joey: So you’ve been sittin’ around here all mornin’?

Ross: No! I balanced my checkbook.

Chandler: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players.

Ross: I can’t believe he didn’t come!

Joey: So what if he didn’t come! We can still go out and party ourselves!

Chandler: Oh-no, y’know with Gandolf we’d be out all night!

Ross: Yeah! We’d meet, we’d meet total strangers, and hang out with them!

Joey: Well, we could do that!

Ross: There’s other stuff too.

Joey: We’ll do it all, and better! Look, after tonight, Gandolf will want to party with us, dude! Come on!

Ross: Yeah!

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: Yeah!!

Joey: Yeah!!

Ross: It’s not like we don’t know how to party!!

Joey: Yeah! All right? Let’s go!

Chandler: And may-maybe we could end up on a boat again?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!!!

Chandler: All right!!

Ross: (to Chandler) Hey-hey-hey, when uh, when were we on a boat?

Chandler: Remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were licking your face?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Well, those were seals, man.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is entering, excited.]

Rachel: Hey Mon, little question for ya! How do you think this suit will look on an assistant buyer?

Monica: Okay, the owner of Allesandro’s came over to yell at me, but instead I made him some sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef!!

Rachel: Oh my God!! You just ruined the thing I was practicing the whole way home, but I’m soo happy!

Monica: Can you believe it? I finally get to run my own kitchen!

Rachel: Ohh, you’ve waited soo long.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, quick question for ya.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: How do you think this suit would look on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdale’s?

Phoebe: I don’t know, it would totally depend on her coloring and… (realizes) You got the job!!

Rachel: Yes!!!

Monica: You got the job?! Why didn’t you tell me?

Rachel: Ohh, it’s gonna be so great! I’m gonna get to help decide what we sell, I’m gonna have an office with walls and everything. (turns to Monica) I’m gonna have walls!

Phoebe: Okay, is this the day of good news or what? I got us a job! The wedding reception.

Monica: Ohh! Umm, Phoebe, I kinda need to talk to you about that. (Rachel excuses herself) Umm, well I-I-I think it might be time for me to take a step back from catering.

Phoebe: But we’ve only had one job.

Monica: I know, but now we have this second one and it just, it feels like it’s snowballing, y’know?

Phoebe: Yeah! What are you saying?

Monica: I got offered the head chef job at Allesandro’s.

Phoebe: What?

Monica: It’s okay, ‘cause y'know what? You don’t really need me for the business.

Phoebe: You’re the cook! With out you it’s just me driving up to people’s houses with empty trays and asking for money!

Monica: All right. But umm, I-I-I’ll pay you back all the money you invested, and you can keep the van.

Phoebe: For what? I can’t believe this! I gotta get out of here. (leaves)

Monica: Phoebe, wait a minute! (runs after her, leaving Rachel alone)

Rachel: I’m an assistant buyer!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Ross, and Chandler are making a pit stop on their party tour.]

Joey: All right, so we’ll get a little coffee, and get energized, and we’ll head back out.

Chandler: Yeah, all right.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: So, we’re having fun, right?

Chandler and Ross: Yeah.

Joey: We don’t need that wizard guy. We hit a couple of clubs, talked to some strangers, and uh, after this, we’ll head down to the docks and see about that boat thing.

Ross: I’m kinda beat.

Chandler: Actually, me too.

Joey: Are you serious?!

Chandler and Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Thank God! I’m exhausted!

Gunther: So you guys want coffees?

Joey: Yeah, but uh, I don’t want to be up too late, so uh, I’ll have a decaf.

Ross: Yeah, me too.

Chandler: Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I think I strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud?

Joey: I can’t hear a word you’re saying, my ears are ringing so bad.

Ross: I’m just glad I brought that extra pair of socks, y’know? I used them as mittens, I didn’t want to touch a thing in that last place.

(pause)

Ross: How sad are we?

Joey: Yeah, I know.

Chandler: Y’know what? We’re not sad, we’re not sad, we’re just not 21 anymore. Y’know? I’m 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!

Joey and Ross: Yeah!

Joey: Yeah! And I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my friends.

Chandler and Ross: Yeah!

Ross: And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath!

Joey: We’re 29, we’re not women.

[Scene: Central Perk, the next day, Phoebe is there.]

Monica: (entering) Ohh, here you are. Y’know, I’m-I’m glad you decided to hear me out.

Phoebe: Okay, I’m hearing.

Monica: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. A lot! And umm, well, I came up with a whole bunch of businesses you can do with your van. Okay umm, you could be flower delivery person.

Phoebe: What?!

Monica: Or! A bakery delivery person.

Phoebe: I wa-I wa-I wa…

Monica: Pizza?!

Phoebe: Monica!

Monica: All right, I’ve got a whole bunch of uh-uh, stuff in this area, but umm, I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to deliver.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Okay. I’m guessing that if you don’t want to deliver, you probably don’t want to pick stuff up either.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Y’know what, let’s do the catering business.

Phoebe: Really?! Are you sure?

Monica: Yeah, y'know I-I made a commitment to you. Y’know what, it’d be, it’d be fun.

Phoebe: Oh! It will be fun! Ohh! Yay! Oh! Okay, ooh, let’s plan the wedding reception. (She grabs the notebook which Monica used for her ideas and starts flipping page after page after page after page after page to find a blank one.) Wow! You really wanted me to do something with this van. (pause) Y’know what, I want you to take the chef job.

Monica: Really?!

Phoebe: Yeah. That’s what you really want. Yeah, I don’t want to be the reason you’re unhappy, that would just make me unhappy, and I really don’t want to be the reason I’m unhappy.

Monica: Thank you.

Phoebe: Besides, it might be kinda fun to form the new A-Team.

[Scene: Rachel’s office, she is coming in for the day carrying a picture for her new office. Mrs. Lynch is coming out of Joanna’s office, carrying a box.]

Rachel: Oh, hi Mrs. Lynch! Is Joanna in already?

Mrs. Lynch: Oh my goodness! You haven’t heard!

Rachel: Heard what?

Mrs. Lynch: Joanna passed away last night.

Rachel: Oh my God! How?!

Mrs. Lynch: Well, she was leaving work and she was hit by a cab.

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, I cannot believe it!

Mrs. Lynch: I know!

Rachel: Oh, God. Oh, God. (gets worried) Oh God.

Mrs. Lynch: I didn’t realize that she was so close.

Rachel: Yes, so close. Mrs. Lynch, I know that this is an emotional and difficult time, for all of us. But by any chance did Joanna send any paperwork your way before… it happened.

Mrs. Lynch: No. Nothing. Imagine, if she had just stepped off that curb a few seconds later.

Rachel: Yes-yes, just a few seconds and she’d still be with us—nothing about an assistant buyer?

Mrs. Lynch: (starting to cry) No, I’m sorry. I have to go. (She leaves as Sophie arrives.)

Sophie: (happily) Good morning!

Rachel: Oh, Sophie, I guess you didn’t hear about Joanna…

Sophie: I sure did! (smiles)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica’s new kitchen, Allesandro is introducing her to her new employees.]

Allesandro: I’m so excited about having Monica come on board with us. Although I do feel bad about having fired chef Emillio, it’s like losing a member of the family. Of course, that literally is the case for several of you. Tony, Carlos, Marie, please, tell your father how much we’re gonna miss him. Now, I know that Monica has a lot of great ideas for this place, well, you all read the review. So without much further ado, I present to you our new head chef.

Monica:  Umm, I just wanna say, uh (reads from a 3 X 5 card) that with a pinch of exictement, a dash of hard work, a dollup of cooperation, we can have the recipe... (Looks up and sees eveyone glaring at her) Are you gonna kill me?

End

The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie

Written by: Scott Silveri

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: I’m sorry I’m late, did I miss anything?

Phoebe: Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth. (Joey, with an obvious mouth full, nods yes.)

Ross: 15? (Joey nods again) Your personal best! (Ross takes an Oreo and Joey mumbles, no!)

Phoebe: Where were you?

Ross: Oh, on a date. Yeah, I met this girl on the train going to a museum upstate.

(simultaneously)

Chandler: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her?

Phoebe: Oh, which museum?

Phoebe: (just Phoebe) No, answer his.

Ross: Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the door, so she’d have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy.

Chandler: Were you so late because you were burring this woman?

Ross: No, I’m getting back down ‘cause she lives in Poughkeepsie. She seems really great, but she’s like totally great, but she lives two and a half hours away.

Chandler: How can she be great if she’s from Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they all look at him) That joke would’ve killed in Albany.

Joey: Done! I did it! Heh, who’s stupid now? (He smiles and has cookie remains all over his teeth.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]

Chandler: Hey, look at this! (Holding a newspaper) They’re lighting the big Christmas tree tonight.

Phoebe: Umm, that paper’s two weeks old.

Chandler: All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can’t believe I missed it.

Rachel: Hey, y’know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it’ll be Valentine’s Day, then my birthday, then bang!—before you know it, they’re lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! (hearing this, Gunther moves in) Y’know, I want a man!! (Gunther leaves depressed) I mean, it doesn’t even have to be a big relationship, y’know, just like a fling would be great.

Chandler: Really?! I didn’t think girls ever just wanted a fling.

Rachel: Well, believe me, it’s been a long time since I’ve been flung.

Joey: Well, I know what I’m giving you for Christmas.

Chandler: Y’know what? There’s some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?

Rachel: Yeah! Wait a minute, it’s been a long time that I’ve been single. How come you never offered this before?

Chandler: Well, I have a girlfriend, I’m-I’m happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy.

Rachel: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don’t like guys with boring jobs.

Chandler: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?

(Monica enters)

All: Hey!

Phoebe: What’s wrong Mon?

Monica: Ohh, everybody at the restaurant still hates me.

Phoebe: Oh.

Monica: I thought I was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, I get off work and I find out that they wrote this (puts on her chef hat) on my chef’s hat. (The hat says ‘Quit, bitch’)

Phoebe: Hey, maybe they meant to write, ‘Quiet, bitch.’

Rachel: Hey, honey! What’s the matter? (Monica shows her, her hat.) Fine, I was just trying to be nice! Whoa!

Monica: I mean I have not been picked on this much since kindergarten and they had to bring in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me. (Joey laughs and Monica glares at him.)

Joey: Ohhh!

Monica: I mean they’re trying to do everything they can to make me quit, and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something I’ve been waiting for my whole life.

Rachel: Well, wait a minute, you’re the boss! Why don’t you just yell at them? Or, fire them?

Monica: I would love too, but I can’t! I mean I just can’t, you know that I’m not good at confrontation.

Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who’s boss.

Joey: Hey, Mon! I’m not doing anything, why don’t you fire me?

Monica: That’s a good idea! Wait, do you know how to waiter?

Joey: Good enough to get fired.

Monica: All right, you’re hired!

Joey: Hey! That must be why I got fired last week! Does this Orson Wells guy direct Burger King commercials?

Chandler: (he glares at him for a while) Yes.

[Scene: Chandler’s office, he is trying to find Rachel a date.]

Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, I’m not asking for me, I’m… I mean… No, I’m-I’m not gay, I’m not asking you out. I’m not-I’m not-I’m not gay!

Drew: I didn’t think you were gay. I do now.

Chandler: See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up.

Drew: Ahh, I just got out of a big relationship, I’m not looking for any thing serious.

Chandler: Oh, y’know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel.

Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party, Rachel?

Chandler: (to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name.

Mike: Oh wow! I’m free for her!

Drew: Oh, wait a second! I didn’t say I wasn’t free!

Mike: Hey, Chandler, why don’t we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow?

Drew: Hold on, y’know I just got a box of Cubans, maybe I bring them by your office around uh, five?

Chandler: Oh well, that’s uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure!

Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch Basel Hadens.

Chandler: Well, I don’t really know what that is, but let’s!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is working on a new song.]

Phoebe: Hey! You guys, I’m writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you want to hear it?

Monica, Rachel, and Joey: Yes!

Phoebe: (singing) Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel!

Rachel: Pheebs, that’s great!

Phoebe: Oh, yay!

Rachel: But y’know umm, Rachel doesn’t rhyme with draddle.

Phoebe: I know but it’s so hard! Nothing rhymes with your stupid name!

Joey: What are you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel. Bagel. Mail. Jail. Bail. Able. May-pole.

Phoebe: All good, thanks. (to Rachel) Do you maybe have a nickname have like a nickname that’s easier to rhyme?

Monica: Didn’t your dad used to call you Pumpkin?

Rachel: Oh yeah!

Phoebe: Pumpkin? Yeah. But did he ever call you like, Budolph?

Chandler: (entering) Hello, children!

All: Hey!

Chandler: (to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for you!

Rachel: Really?!

Chandler: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They’re buying me drinks! They’re giving me stuff! (to Joey) Knicks tonight?

Joey: Sure! Where are the seats?

Chandler: Wherever! I’ve got like 20!

Rachel: So, will I like any of these guys?

Chandler: Y’know what, I’m gonna uh, play the field just a little more.

Rachel: Chandler!

Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401-K’s to me?

Phoebe: (shocked) You work with robots!!

Chandler: (pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, there’s this one guy, Patrick, I think you’re gonna like him, he’s really nice, he’s funny, he’s a swimmer.

Rachel: Ohh, I like swimmer’s bodies!

Chandler: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards.

Rachel: Op, I like credit cards!

Chandler: See, I’m not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?

Rachel: Well, so what does he do?

Chandler: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division.

Rachel: Your company has a fine foods division?

Chandler: It’s a big company, I don’t—if you—I…

Joey: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots?

Phoebe: No! No, the robots just work for them.

Monica: (getting up) All right, I’m gonna go to work. Does anybody have a problem with that?

Joey: Yeah, lady, I do! I got a problem with that!

Monica: You want a problem? I’ll give you a problem!

Joey: Oh, what are you gonna do? You’re gonna fire me?

Monica: You bet your ass, I’m gonna fire you! Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are there.]

Ross: Oh, wow! I should get going. I-I got a date tonight.

Chandler: Oh yeah! With who?

Ross: You know that girl I told you about who lives up in Poughkeepsie?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet, and I-I can’t decide between the two of them. Y’know the one from Poughkeepsie, even though she’s a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. Y’know she’s, well she’s-she’s just as pretty, I guess she’s smart, she’s not fun.

Phoebe: If she’s no fun, why do you want to date her at all?

Ross: Well, I-I want to give her another chance, y’know? She lives so close. And, at the end of the date, the other time, she-she said something that was—if she was kidding was very funny. On the other hand, if she wasn’t kidding, she’s not fun, she’s stupid, and kind of a racist.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey, man!

Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant?

Joey: (checks his watch) Damn! (runs out to work)

[Scene: Allesandro’s, Monica is cooking.]

Joey: (entering from the dining room) Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Joey: Hey, what happened to your fancy chef’s jacket? (sees there’s a burn spot on it)

Monica: They baked it. I can’t take this anymore. I’m gonna call a meeting tonight, I’m gonna fire you tonight.

Joey: You got it! Oh-oh! (He starts patting the burned spot, which just happens to be over her breast.)

Monica: What are you doing?!

Joey: It’s still a tiny bit on fire there.

Monica: Thanks. (Joey’s still patting the burn spot) I think you got it!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is there.]

Rachel: (entering) Chandler!! You have the best taste in men!

Chandler: Well, like father, like son.

Rachel: Patrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into something serious.

Chandler: Really?! I-I thought you weren’t looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.

Rachel: Well, y'know, possibly. (pause) You didn’t tell him that, though? Right?

Chandler: Ummmmmmmm, no.

Rachel: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don’t tell the guy that!

Chandler: Why not?! I’d be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get—oh I see.

Rachel: Oh, between you telling him that I wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the first date—oh, he’s so gonna get the wrong idea.

[Scene: Allesandro’s, Joey is eating some cheese.]

Monica: Hey, Joey, could you pass the cheese?

Joey: Yeah. Listen uh, I’d prefer it if you didn’t call me Joey. Since I don’t know anyone here, I thought it’d be cool to try out a cool work nickname.

A Waiter: (entering) Hey, dragon! Here’s your tips from Monday and Tuesday. (hands him two envelopes)

Joey: (opening an envelope) There’s like-there’s like 300 bucks in this one!

The Waiter: Yeah, people get pretty generous around the holidays. And it never hurts to wear tight trousers.

Monica: Okay. Could the waiters gather around to hear tonight’s specials? Okay, first there is a Chilean Sea Bass prepared with a Mango relish on a bag—Why is nobody writing these down?

The Waiter: Because we can remember them.

Monica: Because your all gonna make up fake specials and make me cook them like you did the other night?

The Waiter: Well, sure, that too.

Monica: Okay, forget the specials for a minute. Umm, all right here’s the thing, for the last two weeks I have umm, (quietly) tried really hard to create a positive atmosphere…

The Waiter: Can’t hear you!

Monica: (louder) A positive atmosphere! But I-I-I have had it up to here. (She holds her hand over her head as an afterthought.) From now on, it is gonna be my way, or the highway! All right? Does anybody have a problem with that?!! (Joey looks at the money he’s holding, and doesn’t speak up.) Hey new guy! I said, does anybody have a problem with that?!

Joey: No ma’am.

The Waiter: Hey! He has a name, it’s Dragon. Do you wanna know your name? Check your hat. (to another waiter) We did the hat right? (The other waiter nods yes.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Allesandro’s, continued from earlier. The other waiters are gone and Monica is confronting Joey about his not speaking up.]

Monica: What the hell happened?!

Joey: I am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it! Really! But I was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking, "Wow! It’s been a long time since I had… (tries to do the math in his head, but can’t) 327 + 238 dollars!"

Monica: Joey, we had a deal. That-that’s why you’re here! I’ve got to fire you!

Joey: And I gotta pay rent! Look, how-how about this? You don’t fire me, instead I stay here, I gain their trust, and they’ll start listening to all the nice things I’ve been saying about you.

Monica: What kinda things have you been saying?

Joey: Well nothing yet, they really hate you and I want to fit in.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is working on her holiday song, Chandler is sitting on the couch reading a magazine, and Ross is sleeping on the couch.]

Phoebe: (singing) Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry…

Chandler: (interrupting) Oh, y’know, y’know what Pheebs?

Phoebe: What?

Chandler: I’m not Jewish, so…

Phoebe: So! Ross doesn’t really decorate his tree with floss, but you don’t hear him complaining do you? God! (Phoebe hits her guitar which wakes up Ross with a start.)

Chandler: Bad dream?

Ross: I wasn’t sleeping.

Chandler: Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe’s song about?

Ross: The one with the cat. I gotta go, I’ve got another date.

Phoebe: So, did you pick one yet?

Ross: No, it turns out that the one from uptown was making a joke. But it was a different joke than I thought—it wasn’t that funny. So I’m still torn.

Phoebe: Well look, you don’t really like the one from uptown and you’re too exhausted from dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you just end them both. Okay? You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your way back you break up with uptown. And then by the time you get home tonight, you’re done!

Ross: Y’know, you’re right. Thank you.

Phoebe: Umm, well I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague.

Chandler: Prague?

Phoebe: There’s sooo much you don’t know.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing living room golf as Rachel enters. Rachel sees this and holds the door open until Chandler is ready to start his swing, when he is, she slams the door shut which causes the club to fly from his hands. He turns around, shocked.]

Rachel: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship?

Chandler: I did! I absolutely did!

Rachel: You idiot!!

Chandler: I’m sure you’re right, but why?

Rachel: You don’t tell a guy that you’re looking for a serious relationship! You don’t tell the guy that! Now you scared him away!

Chandler: Oh, man. I’m sorry, I’m so-so sorry.

Rachel: Y’know, you should never be allowed to talk to people!

Chandler: I know! I know!

Rachel: Oh! See just I’m right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks! (She sits down heavily in one of the new chairs)

Chandler: Well, y’know, you’re-you’re gonna meet somebody! You’re a great catch! Y’know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn’t have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair)

Rachel: Really?

Chandler: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right?

Rachel: No.

Chandler: Oh, it doesn’t matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey, y’know what, I’ve got two tickets to tonight’s Rangers game, you wanna come with me?

Rachel: Cute guys in little shorts? Sure.

Chandler: Well, actually it’s a hockey team, so it’s angry Canadians with no teeth.

Rachel: Well that sounds fun too. (They hug.)

(pause)

Chandler: Have you ever been with a woman?

Rachel: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?!

Chandler: So there is no good time to ask that question.

[Scene: A train to Poughkeepsie, Ross is asleep against the window.]

The Conductor: The next station is Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie!

The Woman From Poughkeepsie: (outside Ross’s window) Ross? Ross! (she knocks on the window) Wake up! Ross! (the train starts moving) Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!!

[Scene: Allesandro’s, Monica is cooking.]

Monica: I need more swordfish. (to one of the assistant chefs) Can you get me some more swordfish?

Kitchen Worker: I don’t speak English.

Monica: You did a minute ago!

Kitchen Worker: Well, I don’t know what to tell ya!

Monica: Fine!

(She goes into the freezer to get it herself, and leaves the door open. The waiter from earlier comes by and closes the door.)

Monica: Okay! Very funny! Somebody let me out please?! Come on, I’m cold! (She spills something.) And covered in marinara sauce! Come on! Let me out! (the door opens)

The Waiter: You found that handle, did ya?

Monica: That’s not funny.

The Waiter: Well that’s not true.

Monica: (starting to cry) I’m a good person. And I’m a good chef, and I don’t deserve to have marinara sauce all over me! Y’know what, if you want me to quit this bad, then all you have to do is…

Joey: (interrupting) Hey! Chef Geller! Y’know that little speech you made the other day? Well I got a problem with it!

Monica: You do?

Joey: You bet I do! I just ah, wasn’t listening then, that’s all.

Monica: Well if you want a problem? I’ll give you a problem!

Joey: What are you gonna do? You’re gonna fire me?

Monica: You bet your ass I’m gonna fire you! Get out of my kitchen! Get out!! (Joey leaves) All right! Anybody else got a problem? How ‘bout you Chuckles? You think this is funny now?

The Waiter: No.

Monica: How about if I dance around all covered in sauce? Huh? You think it’s funny now?

The Waiter: No, it’s really good.

Monica: Good! Now, take those salads to table 4, (to the kitchen worker from earlier) And you! Get the swordfish! (to another assistant chef) And you! Get a haircut!

[Scene: The train, it’s pulling into a station.]

The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal.

Ross: (waking up) What? (notices that there is now a beautiful woman sitting next to him)

Woman On Train: I made a bet with myself that you have beautiful eyes. Now that I see them, I win.

Ross: What?

Woman On Train: We’re at my stop. But would you like to have coffee?

Ross: (now fully awake) Are we really in Montreal?!

Woman On Train: Yes we are. So, coffee?

Ross: Coffee sounds great. (They get up) Wait, so, so you live in Montreal?

Woman On Train: Oh, no. But it’s just a two hour ferry ride to Nova Scotia.

[Scene: Allesandro’s, Joey is coming back in with his coat on.]

Joey: Well I guess I should’ve thought about my wife and kids before I talked back to chef Geller!

Monica: Thanks.

Joey: Yep! Looks like it’s gonna be a leeeeean Christmas at the Dragon house this year.

Monica: Enough!

Joey: (leaving) Lean-lean-lean!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]

Phoebe: (singing) "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.

Asked him to bring my friends all kind of crap.

Said all you need is to write them a song.

They haven't heard it, so don't try and sing along.

No, don't sing along.

Monica, Moncia, have a happy Chanukah.

Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross.

And plese tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!

And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"

Happy holidays, everybody!

End

The One With Phoebe’s Uterus

Written by: Seth Kirkland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Frank and Alice are there talking with Phoebe.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! I can’t believe my little brother is married!

Frank: Oh I know!! (Both he and Alice squeal hysterically)

Phoebe: You guys, why didn’t you tell me you were eloping?

Frank: ‘Cause it just sorta happened, y’know we were at the courthouse, we were having lunch…

Phoebe: Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?

Frank: We were having lunch. Yeah and then all of the sudden we were like, "Hey! Y'know, we’re here, having lunch let’s get married!

Phoebe: Wow, a year and a half ago I didn’t even know I had a brother, and now I have a sister too. (They all hug, and Frank and Alice start kissing.) Okay. Okay. Stop it, don’t. So, I gotta get you a gift now. Is there anything you need?

Frank: Uhh, yeah.

Alice: We’ve been trying to get pregnant, uh pretty much ever since we got engaged, we thought we’d get a jump on things, y’know no one’s getting any younger.

Frank: See the thing is umm, we’re not able to y’know, uh, conceive.

Alice: And we’ve tried everything, we’ve seen a bunch of doctors.

Frank: Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.

Phoebe: (shocked) That’s a really nice gift. I was thinking of like a gravy boat.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are trying to throw cards into a vase.]

Joey: (entering with Ross) Hey! You guys! Check it out, check it out! (He’s wearing a blue blazer) Guess which job I got.

Chandler: I don’t know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.

(The gang is stunned.)

Ross: What?

Chandler: Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back.

Rachel: But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black?

Chandler: Well, you-you know what I meant.

Monica: No, you messed it up. You’re stupid.

Chandler: So what job did you get Joe?

Joey: Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me.

Rachel: Well, how can you be a tour guide, don’t you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?

Joey: No, not really. They give you all the information, it’s uh, it’s like memorizing a script. (Making like a tour guide) "And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period.

Chandler, Monica, and Rachel:  Great!! That’s great!

Ross: Uh actually Joey, it’s the Cretasous period.

Joey: Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got married!

All: Oh my God!!

Phoebe: And! And, they’re gonna have a baby! (The gang is shocked.) And! And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. (The gang is stunned into silence.)

Ross: My God!

Monica: Are you serious?

Phoebe: Yeah

Joey: You’re really thinking about having sex with your brother?!

Phoebe: Ewww! And "Oh no!" It’s—they just want me to be the surrogate. It’s her-it’s her egg and her sperm, and I’m-I’m just the oven, it’s totally their bun.

Joey: Huh.

Monica: What did you tell them?

Phoebe: Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? I’m gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give.

Chandler: You’re gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station?

Rachel: Honey, this really is an incredible thing to do for them, but there are things to think about.

Monica: Yeah, like you’re gonna be pregnant. I mean pregnant.

Phoebe: I know!

Ross: Pheebs, you’re talking about putting your body through an awful lot, I mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and it’s all for somebody else!

Phoebe: Yeah, what’s your point?

Ross: Well, the stuff I just mentioned.

Rachel: Wow! I don’t know if I could ever do that. I always figured the first time I had a baby was with somebody I love and that baby would be a…keeper.

Phoebe: Y'know you guys were a lot more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture.

Joey: No, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we’ll be supportive like crazy.

All: Yeah.

Monica: We just want you to think it through.

Rachel: Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who’s had a baby. Like your mom?

Phoebe: My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are kissing.]

Kathy: Umm, (moves her hand’s down to his butt) I love this touchy. Can I take it to work with me?

Chandler: Oh, yeah, sure, it’s not mine anyway. It can with the pants.

Kathy: Oh! (They kiss and she leaves)

Monica: I am so jealous.

Rachel: You guys are really right…there aren’t you?

Chandler: Yes. Right where?

Monica: In the beginning where y’know it’s all sex and talking and sex and talking and…

Chandler: Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking.

Monica: And the sex?

Chandler: All right, we haven’t had sex yet. Okay, what’s the big deal? Y’know? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the next level.

Rachel: Oh, Chandler that is so nice.

Ross: That is really nice…lying! No way is that the reason!

Rachel: Why? Just because you’re not mature enough to understand something like that?!

Chandler: No, he’s right, I’m totally lying.

(Ross makes an "I was right, and you weren’t face." And Rachel does Ross’s little I’m-flicking-you-off-but-I’m-not-giving-you-the-finger banging of the fists.)

Monica: Then what is it?

Chandler: Well, Kathy’s last boyfriend was Joey.

Ross: And you’re afraid you won’t be able to…fill his shoes.

Chandler: No, I’m afraid I won’t be able to make love as well as him.

Ross: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.

Chandler: Yes, and I was saying the actual words.

Monica: So big deal, so Joey’s had a lot of girlfriends, it doesn’t mean he’s great in bed.

Chandler: We share a wall! So either he’s great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot.

Monica: Sweetie, with you it’s gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great, ‘cause you-you guys are in love.

Chandler: Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: Just go for it Chandler.

Monica: Yeah, you should.

Rachel: Yeah, you should, really.

Monica: Go on.

Chandler: All right, all right, I’ll go sleep with my girlfriend. But I’m just doing it for you guys.

[Scene: The museum, Joey is giving a tour to a bunch of school kids.]

Joey: Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic period.

Smart Kid: Isn’t the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic?

Joey: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, (Motions to a fossilised dinosaur foot.) we have a large foot. (Sees Ross working in one of the display cases.) Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. (Knocks on the glass) Everyone wave ‘Hi’ to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. (Ross does the old "Putting a cigarette in your ear and pulling it out of your mouth trick.") Okay, moving right along. Come on.

[Scene: Phoebe Sr.’s house, there’s a knock on the door.]

Phoebe Sr: It’s open! Come in!

Phoebe: Hi!

Phoebe Sr: Hi!

Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m late.

Phoebe Sr: Oh, that’s okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples.

Phoebe: Wow! You really go all out when you’re expecting company.

Phoebe Sr: No, I was working on my pottery.

Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didn’t know that you did…pot.

Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.

Phoebe: Ooh, erotiery!

Phoebe Sr: Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. Y’know…

Phoebe: Okay.

Phoebe Sr: I really don’t think it’s a very good idea, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Why not?

Phoebe Sr: Well, because you’d be giving up a baby, and I-I really don’t—I don’t know if there’s anything I can say that could make you understand the pain of giving up a baby. So, umm, (Picks up a puppy in the box next to the couch.)

Phoebe: Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Don’t-don’t hurt the puppy.

Phoebe Sr: No-no-no, the-the puppy’s yours.

Phoebe: Oh, I get a puppy!!

Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for three days.

Phoebe: Why?

Phoebe Sr: I realise I don’t have any right to start get all parenty on you and everything now, but umm, (Sees that Phoebe isn’t paying attention and is busy mimicking the puppy.) uhh… Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy, it’s very important.

Phoebe: Okay.

Phoebe Sr: I mean, I know what I’m talking about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. (Phoebe is playing with the puppy again, and not listening) I really shouldn’t have given you the puppy first.

Phoebe: All right, I’m sorry.

[Scene: The museum’s worker cafeteria, Joey is eating lunch with the rest of the tour guides. Another tour guide tries to sit down in a seat Joey saved for Ross.]

Joey: Uhh, do you mind sitting there. I’m-I’m saving this for my friend Ross.

Tour Guide: You mean Dr. Geller?

Joey: Doctor? Wow! I didn’t know he had a nickname.

Tour Guide: Oh, he won’t sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit over there, (Points to there table) and only the people in the blue blazers sit here.

Joey: Well, how-how come?

Tour Guide: That’s just the way it is.

Joey: That’s crazy.

Tour Guide: Maybe it’s crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See that scientist in the classes, he and I used to play together all the time in grade school, but now…(Turns around) Peter! Hey, Peter! It’s me Rhonda! From PS-129! I shared my puddin’ which you man! I gave you my Snack Pack! (to Joey) See, he pretend he don’t even here me!

Joey: I-I think everybody’s pretending they don’t hear you. Anyway, look, I don’t know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, I’m telling you, he will sit in it! (Ross enters and goes over to the white table) Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I saved you seat.

Ross: That’s okay, I’m cool over here. I’ll catch up with you later, Joey. (Joey is shocked.)

(Another woman enters without a coat or blazer and tries to sit at the ‘blue’ table.)

Tour Guide: Op, this is saved. (Joey wonders why) Gift shop.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating dinner, Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Ross: (entering) Hey, uh, I’m really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria today.

Joey: It’s no big deal. Hey, y’know, you do what you gotta do. Right?

Ross: But hey, it’s not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together.

Joey: Whatever.

Ross: It’s like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?

Monica: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.

Joey: Look, Ross, really it’s-it’s no big deal. Y’know you wear a white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can’t be friends at work, then so be it. Y’know, hey I understand. Y’know? Hey, when I’m in a play and you’re in the audience, I don’t talk to you, right? So it’s y’know, it’s uh, it’s cool. I’ll see you tomorrow. (Leaves)

Rachel: Yeah, when we’re in the audience he doesn’t talk to us, but he does wave.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is there with her puppy and is trying to sing it to sleep as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hi.

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Why is Phoebe singing to Carl Mulden?

Phoebe: Ooh, y’know what, I think it’s time for puppy to go out again. Come on, let’s go to the balcony.

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: Umm, the street. Come on, let’s go to the street. Ooh, listen, don’t go onto the balcony until after I get back. (Leaves)

Monica: (to Chandler) So, did you do it?

Chandler: Yes, yes, we had the sex.

Monica: Uh-oh, it was bad?

Chandler: It was fine, y’know? But she didn’t agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, I’m all right with it."

Monica: Well, it was the first time. Y’know, there’s not always a lot of agreement the first time.

Rachel: Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree (snaps her fingers) like that.

Chandler: Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y’know, I know where everything goes, it’s always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody’s killing her in there!"

Monica: All right, I’m gonna show you something a lot of guys don’t know. Rach, give me that pad, please? (She does so and Monica starts drawing on it) All right. Now…

Chandler: Look, you don’t have to draw an actual wo—whoa! She’s hot!

Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there’s more than three), five, six, and seven!

Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?!

Rachel: Let me see that. (Monica shows her) Oh, yeah.

Chandler: (Points to one) That’s one?

Monica: It’s kind of an important one!

Chandler: Oh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down.

Rachel: Well, y’know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could’ve meant.)

Monica: (continuing) Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.

Chandler: That-that’s bad?

Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don’t spend the whole day on the Materhorn.

Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7!

Monica: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit ‘em all, and you mix ‘em up. You gotta keep them on their toes.

Rachel: Oo, toes!! Well, for some people. (Chandler eyes her and her toes.)

Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, …7..…7…7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7…(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.)

[Scene: The museum cafeteria, Joey is eating with the tour guides as Ross enters.]

Older Scientist: Dr. Geller, there’s a seat over here. (Motions to an empty chair at the ‘white’ table.)

Ross: Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but I’m having my lunch at this table, here in the middle. I’m having lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if he’ll sit with me.

Joey: (standing up) I will sit with you Dr. Geller. (He goes over to his table and they shake hands.)

Ross: Y'know, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and y’know what I see, I see-I see division. Division, between people in white coats and people in blue blazers, and I ask myself, "My God why?!" Now, I say we shed these-these coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. (He takes off his coat and throws it down.) I’m Ross! I’m divorced, and I have a kid!

Joey: (stands up, and throws his coat on the floor) I’m Joey! I’m an actor! I don’t know squat about dinosaurs!

Another Tour Guide: (standing up and removing his coat) I’m Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.

Ross: All right, there you go!

Joey: Yeah, you hang in there Teddy!

Older Scientist: I’m Andrew, and I didn’t pay for this pear.

Ross: Okay, good-good for you.

Tour Guide: I’m Rhonda, (motions to her breasts) and these aren’t real! (Joey and Ross look at each other, shocked)

Ross: Wow, Rhonda.

Another Scientist: I’m Scott.

Ross: Yeah, okay, Scott!

Another Scientist: And I need to flip the light switch on and off 17 times before I leave a room or my family will die.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, with the puppy, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: My mom’s gonna be here any minute. I can’t do this, I can’t give him up. Yes—no, I can. I don’t want to. But I can. No.

Rachel: Oo, I can’t watch this, it’s like Sophie’s Choice.

Monica: Y’know, I never saw that.

Rachel: Ooh, it was only okay.

Phoebe: Ooh, I can’t do this. My mom was right. If I can’t-if I can’t give him up, then there’s no way I can give up a baby. Ohh, God, Frank and Alice are gonna be so crushed. What-what else, what else can I give ‘em—a kidney!

Alice: (entering with Frank) Hi!

Frank: Hi!

Alice: Uhh, we were just in the neighbourhood, so…

Frank: Yeah, so we just thought we’d stop by and let you know there’s still no pressure.

Alice: None. But if there was something you wanted to tell us, we’re just gonna be right over there (points to the counter) having coffee.

Phoebe: Okay.

Frank: (noticing the puppy) Oh, who’s this little guy?! (Grabs the puppy)

Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Umm!

Frank: Oh, he’s so cute, he reminds me of my old dog, Tumour.

Alice: You are so precious, I could just take you home.

Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you?

Frank: Are you serious?

Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah!

Frank: Oh, thanks.

Monica: What are you doing?

Phoebe: No, I’m really okay with this. Y’know why? ‘Cause look at them, and I made that, so… I know it’s gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby but, oh my God, it’s gonna feel like a million times better, right? I wanna do this. (To Frank and Alice) I wanna carry your baby.

Alice: (shocked) Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you so much! You don’t know what this means to us! Oh!

Frank: Oh my God, I think I’m gonna cry!

Monica: It’s gonna be so great.

Phoebe Sr: (entering) Hi! What’s going on?

Phoebe: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I’m gonna carry their baby.

Phoebe Sr: But Phoebe…

Phoebe: No-no-no, I know, but you and I are different people though, and this is a totally different situation, and I know that I am not gonna regret this.

Phoebe Sr: Oh, I-I-I understand all that, but it’s just—that was my puppy.

Phoebe: Oh!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]

Monica: Would you ever be a surrogate for anyone?

Rachel: It depends on who asked.

Monica: What if I asked?

Rachel: Oh, Mon, sure.

Monica: Really?

Rachel: Yes. (Pause) You’re not asking are you?

Monica: No.

Rachel: Yes! Totally!

(Kathy runs in, hair all out of place, and hugs Monica.)

Kathy: Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Thank you! (Runs back to Chandler)

End

The One With The Embryos

Written by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it’s 0-Dark:30, in other words it’s really, really early. Everyone’s asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into their living room, searching for the cause of the sound.]

Rachel: What the hell is that?!! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is that you? (Monica nods her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.) Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler and Joey’s with Monica in trail.)

Monica: Boy, you are really not a morning person.

Rachel: (angrily) BACK OFF!!! (She starts banging on their door.) Get up! Get up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!!

(Chandler opens the door, finally.)

Rachel: What is that noise?

Chandler: You!

Joey: It’s the chick! She’s…going through some changes.

Monica: What kind of changes?

Chandler: Well the vet seems to think that’s she’s becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) We’re getting a second opinion.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it’s later that morning, everybody has gotten up and Ross and Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is returning from shopping.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning?

Rachel: Well, I’ve been up since six. Thanks to somebody’s dumb-ass rooster.

Phoebe: You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn’t be living in an apartment.

Rachel: Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around…

Phoebe: All right. I’m gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if I’m ready to have Frank and Alice’s embryo transferred into my uterus.

Ross: Now, how will they know if you’re ready?

Phoebe: Oh, they’re just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick.

Chandler: Oh, I can uh, check that for ya.

Phoebe: Okay everyone, think thick.

All: Good-bye! Good luck! (She opens the door to reveal Monica and Joey.)

Phoebe: Hi! Wish me luck!

Monica: Oh, good luck.

Joey: Good luck. (to Monica) And I’m still right!

Monica: That is sooo not true!

Rachel: What?

Joey: She’s mad because I know today’s her laundry day and that means she’s wearing her old lady underpants.

Chandler: I can check that for ya.

Monica: I just—I can’t believe that you think that you and Chandler know me and Rachel better than we know you.

Chandler: Well… we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers.

Joey: Yeah, what’s that about?

Chandler: (to Rachel) And you… Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel’s bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.

Ross: (He does so, and finds a half-eaten box of cookies.) You’re good. (Tries a cookie.) These are not.

Rachel: I’m so not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop.

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag?

Ross: Five.

Chandler: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag.

Rachel: How many guesses do you get?

Joey: Six.

Ross: Challenge extended.

Monica: Deal!

Ross: Challenge excepted.

Joey: All right, we’ll start with…apples.

Ross: We’ll be starting with apples.

Chandler: (to Ross) Stop that now!

(Ross reveals a bag of apples.)

Chandler: Yes!

Joey: Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt.

Chandler: Diet soda.

Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes. (They’re perfect so far.)

Chandler: Orange juice.

Rachel: No! There’s no orange juice in there! We win!!

Monica: Ha-ha!

Ross: They have another guess.

Rachel: Okay, well, we won that one.

Joey: Okay, the last thing…

Chandler: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joey’s ear.)

Joey: No-no, not for like another two weeks.

Chandler: I got it! Scotch… tape. (They’re right.)

Ross: How did you know she would buy scotch tape?

Chandler: Well, we used there’s up last night making scary faces.

Monica: Aww, man!

Chandler: All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it.

Monica: That does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch.

Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal questions.

Monica: Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks.

Joey: Serious?

Monica: Are you scared?

Joey: No! All right, who-who makes up the questions?

Monica: Ross will do it.

Ross: Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" It’s not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own.

Rachel: Fine! We’ll ask Phoebe.

Ross: No-no-no, I-I wanna play.

[Scene: The Doctor’s office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch.]

Dr. Zane: It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation.

Phoebe: Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning.

Frank: Well, okay, so what’s now—go get, go get the eggs, put ‘em in there.

Dr. Zane: Okay, it’ll take just a little while to prepare the embryos.

Phoebe: Embryossss? As in, "More than one?"

Dr. Zane: Um-hmm, five actually.

Phoebe: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs?

Dr. Zane: We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach.

Phoebe: That’s it! 25 percent? That means that’s it’s like 75 percent chance of no baby at all!

Frank: Hey, y’know I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in there?

Alice: Sweety, now, she’s a woman, not a gumball machine.

Phoebe: Okay, well y’know what, don’t worry you guys, ‘cause I’m-I’m gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right.

Frank: Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we only got, we kinda have one shot to make it right.

Alice: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, we’re kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time.

Phoebe: Whoa!! That—okay, that’s a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is there—is maybe is there something that I can do y’know just to like help make sure I get pregnant?

Dr. Zane: No, I’m sorry.

Phoebe: Wow! You guys really don’t know anything!

Frank: I know! Why don’t you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in my high school.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is about to begin.]

Monica: You guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant?

Joey: Huh.

Rachel: I know! I know, it’s such a huge, life-altering thing.

Joey: I know.

(They all pause and think about it.)

Ross: The test is ready.

All: Yeah! Yes! (They all right into the living room, all excited.)

Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It’s All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this time.

All: Oh yeah!

(Ross flips the coin again.)

Rachel: Tails!

Ross: It’s heads. (The guys celebrate.) Gentlemen, pick your category.

Chandler: Fears and Pet Peeves.

Ross: What is Monica’s biggest pet peeve?

Joey: Animals dressed as humans.

Ross: That’s correct. Ladies?

Monica: Same category?

Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?

Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!

Ross: That is correct.

Joey: (to Chandler) The Irish gig guy?!

Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent of his body!

Ross: Gentlemen, you’re pick.

Joey: It’s All Relative.

Ross: Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother!

Joey: (to Chandler) Nana?

Chandler: She has a real name.

Joey: (answering the question) Althea!

Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?!

Joey: I took a shot.

Chandler: You're shooting with Althea?!

Ross: Althea is correct.

Chandler: Nice shooting!

(Ross motions for the girls to pick.)

Rachel: We’ll take Literature!!

Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label?

Rachel: Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing!

Monica: No!!

Ross: I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong.

Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use you’re head!

Chandler: Actually, it’s Miss Chinandolor Bong.

[Scene: The Doctor’s office, Phoebe is giving a pep talk to the petrie dish containing the embryos.]

Phoebe: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, I’m-I’m Phoebe Buffay, hi! I’m-I’m-I’m hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know, that we’re doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, you’ve been there! Umm, y’know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. Okay, and-and I promise that I’ll keep you safe and warm until you’re ready to have them take you home, so… Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, I’m screaming, don’t worry, that’s what’s supposed to happen.

Dr. Zane: Ready?

Phoebe: Uh-huh. (To the embryos) Good luck.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming to a close.]

Ross: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is theirs, pick your category.

Rachel: (shouting) It’s All Relative!!

Ross: You don’t have to shout everything.

Rachel: (shouting) I’m sorry!

Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandler’s father’s Las Vegas all-male burlesque?

Monica: Viva Las Gaygas!

Chandler: Unfortunately that is correct.

The Girls: Yes!!

Ross: All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. (He opens up an envelope and holds up some note cards.) The Lightning Round!

All: Ohhhh.

Ross: Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer.

Monica: You guys are dead, I am so good at lighting rounds.

Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we’re gonna destroy you.

Monica: Huh, wanna bet?

Chandler: Well, I’m so confused as to what we’ve been doing so far…

Monica: How about we play for more money, say 150?

Ross: 150 dollars.

Chandler: Say 200?

Ross: 200 dollars.

Monica: You’re doing it again.

Ross: Excuse me.

Rachel: Monica, I don’t want to lose 200 dollars.

Monica: We won’t. (to Chandler) 300?

Rachel: Monica?!

Monica: I’m just trying to spice it up!

Rachel: Okay, so let’s play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!

Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?

Rachel: Oooohh that’s interesting.

Joey: Hey, no way, that rooster’s family!

Rachel: Throw in the duck too!

Joey: What do you have against the duck?! He doesn’t make any noise!

Rachel: Well, he gets the other one all riled up.

Joey: Look, we are not gonna…

Chandler: (interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds.

Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)

Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment.

Joey: Oooooh!

Monica: Deal!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later.]

Rachel: Monica, betting the apartment, I don’t know about this.

Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game! Look at my hand. (Holds up her hand.)

Rachel: Why? Do you have the answers written on there?

Monica: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me.

Rachel: All right, let’s do it.

Monica: Come on!

Rachel: Okay. (They go into the living room.)

Ross: All right, gentlemen, you’re up first.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: Okay. (Starts jumping around.)

Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round begins—stop it (Chandler stops jumping)—now. What was Monica’s nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?

Joey: Big fat goalie.

Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie…

Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.

Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...

Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s.

Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?

Chandler: Oh! (Whispers something in Joey’s ear and then in Ross’s ear.)

Ross: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?

(They both confer.)

Joey: Everyday use.

Chandler: Fancy.

Joey: Guest.

Chandler: Fancy guest.

Ross: Two seconds…

Joey: Uhh, 11!

Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right, that’s 4 for the guys. Ladies, you’re up.

Rachel: All right!

Monica: Come on!

(As they change places, they give each other the now patented Ross maneuver. If you don’t know what that means, click here to find out The One With Joey's New Girlfriend.)

Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round begins…now! What is Joey’s favorite food?

Monica: Sandwiches!

Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl’s breast?

Rachel: 14?

Ross: No, 19.

Chandler: Thanks man.

Ross: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?

Monica: Maurice.

Ross: Correct, his profession was?

Rachel: Space cowboy!

Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job?

(The girls are stumped)

Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers.

Monica: And processing.

Rachel: He carries a briefcase.

Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.

Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding.

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster!

Monica: That’s not even a word! I can get this! I can get this!

(Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.)

Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Rachel: Oh my God.

Chandler and Joey: YEAH!!! YES!!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are carrying in the foosball table.]

Joey: I call Monica’s room!

Chandler: You can’t just call Monica’s room.

Joey: Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, I’m sight of the room and I called it.

(Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that he’s in sight of the room, and mouths damn!)

Monica: Man, I feel like I’m coming down with something.

Joey: What?

Monica: Yeah. (to Chandler) I bet you can’t guess what color my tonsils are? I’ll bet the apartment!

Chandler: Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It’s too nice.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey—ooh Pheebs, are they in there?

Phoebe: Umm, yeah, uh-huh, they’re implanted.

Monica: How do you feel?

Phoebe: Well, freaked. ‘Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and Alice’s like only shot. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket.

Chandler: Yeah, but I bet it works.

Monica: Really?! How much?!

Phoebe: All right, I’m gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now.

Joey: Oh wow! You can tell this soon.

Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body’s always been a little faster than Western medicine.

Rachel: (entering from Chandler’s bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I can’t believe you guys are actually think you’re moving in here!

Chandler: Well believe it baby!

Rachel: Well I-I-I’m not moving.

Joey: What?!

Rachel: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game!

Joey: You can’t just ignore the bet! It’s a bet! You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet!

Monica: Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if they had lost, we would’ve made them get rid of the birds. Right?

Rachel: Noooo.

Monica: All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel better, it’s all your fault.

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week!

Chandler: I knew it!

Rachel: I don’t care, I’m not going anywhere.

Chandler: Cool, girl roommate.

(Phoebe comes in from the bathroom as Rachel sits down in disgust.)

Monica: Well?

Phoebe: Nope, not knocked up yet.

Monica: It’s only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time.

Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I’m gonna do whatever I can to help this so, I’m just gonna y’know, lie it your chair, (She climbs into the chair and drapes her feet over the back of the chair.) Y'know? Yeah, good, I’m let gravity y’know, do its jobs.

[Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandler’s bedroom.]

Monica: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box?

Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girl’s apartment! That is a boy’s apartment, it’s dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It’s-it’s so pretty! And look, and it’s-it’s purple! And I’m telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is shaking uncontrollably.)

Monica: I’ll take care of it.

Rachel: That’s right! You do what the hand says!

[Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and Rachel is laying down as Monica enters.]

Rachel: How did it go?

Monica: I lost our mattresses.

[Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica. Phoebe is still on the chair.]

Phoebe: (singing) "Are you in there little fetus?

In nine will you come great us?

I will buy you some Adidas."

(There’s a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hey!

Frank and Alice: (entering) Hi!

Alice: Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore and we got you a little present.

Phoebe: Oh. Oh.

Frank: Umm, it’s a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test.

Monica: Hey, don’t mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop.

Alice: So umm, you feel like taking a test? There’s only one question.

Phoebe: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, y’know just remember that it’s still really early, okay so, if it says that I’m not pregnant, that doesn’t mean that I’m not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please, just so I don’t go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this.

Alice: Okay.

Frank: Okay. (They both squeal in expectation.)

Phoebe: Great. (Goes to take the test.)

(The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph)

Rachel: Y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!

Joey: Hey, don’t get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes!

Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me!

Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn’t gotten the question wrong!

Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question!

Ross: Don’t blame the questions!

Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!

Rachel: Will you stop calling it your apartment!

Joey: But it is our apartment!

Rachel: No it’s not!

(They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe returns from the bathroom.)

Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You’re gonna have a baby! They’re gonna have a baby!

Frank: MY SISTER’S GONNA HAVE MY BABY!!!!!!!

(They all go over and hug Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Okay, but this can’t be good for the baby.

All: Oh! (They stop hugging her to let her out and resume the hug without her.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are busy unpacking.]

Monica: I can’t find garbage bags!

Rachel: Oh, I think I saw some in here.

(She opens a door and they both scream at horror at what’s inside of it.)

Monica: What is it?!

Rachel: I don’t know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it’ll die.

Monica: I can’t believe we’re living here!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, they’re both unpacked. The big ceramic dog has found a new home in front of the window. Joey screams and runs into the living room.]

Chandler: What?! What-what is it?!

Joey: Did you see the size of the closets?!

Chandler: I can’t believe we live here!

(They both sit down on the chairs and put up the foot rest.)

Chandler and Joey: Awwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!

End

The One With Rachel’s Crush

Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there to watch the premiere of Kathy’s play.]

Chandler: Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play!

Ross: People can hear you.

Chandler: I know!!

(The play starts.)

Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesn’t she?

Ross: Yeah.

(Onstage there’s a knock on the door and Kathy opens it. We don’t see what’s going on, only hear it.)

Kathy's Co-Star: Hi!

Kathy: Hi!

Ross: That is one good looking man!

Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?!

Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, you’ve been doing this long?

Kathy: No, you’re my first. Put the money on the table.

(Ross and Chandler have stunned looks on their faces as Kathy and her co-star start making out.)

Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, that’s nice. (They start making out harder.)

Ross: Dude!

Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse?

Kathy: If you want it to be.

(Kathy’s co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross. Chandler’s mouth is on the floor.)

Ross: Here’s your girlfriend’s button. (Holding the button.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is still unpacking after the move, and Phoebe is their also.]

Phoebe: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school?

Monica: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why?

Phoebe: Well, it’s just that maternity clothes are so expensive.

(Rachel enters)

Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just…(Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it)…throw your purses at it.

Rachel: Bloomingdale’s eliminated my department. (Phoebe gasps)

Monica: Oh my God, are you out of a job?

Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down!

Phoebe: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: That sounds great!

Joey: (entering) Hey! (Goes to the fridge.)

Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can’t eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended.

Joey: (Holding a turkey leg) There’s gravy?

Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, that’s your department now. (She takes back the turkey leg)

(Joey climbs up on the counter and starts looking at the top of the cabinets.)

Monica: What are you doing?

Joey: I think I left a donut up here.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are entering after the play. Phoebe and Joey are already there.]

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathy’s play?

Ross: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin’ guy.

Chandler: Yeah, it’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!

Phoebe: That’s a good idea for a business!

Chandler: I’m totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they’re gonna go to their cast parties and he’s gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it’ll be like, "So where’s your boyfriend, what’s-his-name, Chester?" And she’ll go, "No-no-no, it’s Chandler." And he’ll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Joey: (to Ross) That-that is a good trick.

Chandler: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do?

Joey: Chandler, look they’re actors. They’re there to do a job, just ‘cause they work together, doesn’t mean they’re gonna get together. I mean just ‘cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen with them.

Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

Joey: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.

Ross: They’re not a couple!

Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now.

Joey: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot?

Ross: Oh yeah!

Joey: Well okay, so then you’re fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as it’s hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It’s when the heat goes away, that’s when you’re in trouble.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play I’ve ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on stage?

Ross: No.

Joey: Noooo!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the gang minus Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast. Ross and Chandler are sitting at the foosball table and eating.]

Chandler: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight?

Ross: Y’know what, I don’t know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend.

Chandler: Yeah, I know but…

Ross: Oh no-no-no, I’m there.

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes?

Monica: You made pancakes?

Joey: Yep! Grab a plate.

Monica: Okay. (She does so and starts to walk towards Joey to receive her pancakes.)

Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin’ closer.

Chandler: Okay, okay, but don’t worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I’m fairly certain are the same thing.

Joey: Listen also we’re uh, we’re watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over.

Ross: Oh yeah!

Monica: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game.

Joey: Oh yeah, who’s playing?

Monica: The players.

Ross: Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess.

Monica: (laughs) Please, it’s a relief is what it is, is what it is.

Joey: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate!

Phoebe: Oh. (Joey flips the pancake and Phoebe catches it and throws it on her plate.)

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job.]

Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! (Pause) I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up as her boss, Mr. Waltham, walks in.) Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you.

Mr. Waltham: In a moment, please, I’m in the middle of a task. And you have a customer.

(It’s a really good-looking man, Joshua, that Rachel has an instant crush on. Well actually it’s Tate Donovan, so it’s not like she’s really testing her acting skills.)

Rachel: Hi!

Joshua: Hi, I’m Joshua.

Rachel: Hi, I’m Rachel Green. What can I do for you Joshua?

Joshua: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My wife, well my ex-wife…

Rachel: Oh, I’m so sorry.

(He walks over to look and some clothes and Rachel quickly turns around and adjusts her bra, trying to show off her assets.)

Joshua: Anyway, she burned all of my clothes. I got away with two things. This suit and what turned out to be a skirt.

Rachel: Well, at least that’s a great suit.

Joshua: Yeah, but it wasn’t much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt. (Rachel laughs) So I need everything down to underwear, so if you’re willing, I’m all yours.

Rachel: Okay.

Mr. Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to me?

Rachel: No-no, that wasn’t me! (To Joshua) Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. (Joshua turns at that) The selection of underwear we carry.

(He walks out and Rachel stares at his butt as he leaves. He makes a wrong turn.)

Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, it’s this way, it’s this way. (Motions to the correct way.)

Joshua: It’s this way? Sorry. (He walks past her and she again admires his butt.)

[Scene: Kathy’s play, Ross and Chandler are waiting for her in the lobby after the play.]

Chandler: I’m right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there’s no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means!

Ross: All right, let’s not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them.

Chandler: Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there!

Ross: Here she comes. Don’t say a word, okay? Just be cool, don’t be…y'know you.

Kathy: Hey you guys!

Ross: Hey!

Kathy: Hi! (Kisses Chandler) Thank you so much for coming again. Did you like it tonight?

Ross: Oh, absolutely! (Chandler mumbles something.)

Kathy: Wasn’t Nick funny when he couldn’t get his match lit?

(Chandler laughs without opening his mouth.)

Kathy: It’s a good play, isn’t it?

(Chandler mumbles something, and Ross tells him to "Come on.")

Chandler: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you’re having sex with him.

Ross: Okay, I… (Walks away.)

Kathy: Clearly, I’m having sex with him?

Chandler: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two!

Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You’re accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance?

Chandler: Y’know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you’re up there every night, you’re naked, touching, kissing.

Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I’m-I’m playing a part in a play! How can you not trust me?!

Chandler: Well, you can understand, given how we started.

Kathy: Oh, wow. I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face.

Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I don’t even see you denying this!

Kathy: I’ll tell you what, Chandler, why don’t you call me when you grow up!

Chandler: Yeah, well, don’t expect that to happen anytime soon!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are there eating pizza as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over today, and I got to dress him up all day!

Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll.

Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh.

Ross: Uh, hello!

Rachel: Hi-e!!

Phoebe: Ooh, what do I smell?

Joey: I don’t know, it smells good.

(He goes over and opens the door to reveal Monica holding a plate of cookies and a fan to blow the smell across the hall.)

Monica: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven!

Phoebe: Ooh! (They all go over to her apartment)

Monica: Please, have some!

Ross: Oh, yumm!

Monica: Yeah, I’ve just been fiddling around in here making delicious treats for everyone.

Joey: (Holding a magazine) Wow! The new Playboy!

Monica: Yeah, it’s just something I picked up.

Ross: Cookies and porn, you’re the best mom ever!!

(Rachel laughs hysterically for no reason.)

Phoebe: What? What?

Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be there.

Ross: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck?

Rachel: It’s Joshua.

Ross: Oh, whatever. (Laughs and gives Joey the thumbs up heading back to his apartment. Joey follows him)

Monica: Wait! Wait! This isn’t take-out!

Phoebe: (getting up) Well, I hate to eat and run, but…

Monica: No, wait, please don’t go! I’ve got porn for you too!

Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t need it.

Monica: People are supposed to wanna hang out here!

Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal?

Monica: I’m the hostess! Not those guys! I’m always the hostess! I mean, I was always the hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the girls brought their dollies to my tea party, I-I served the best air.

Phoebe: Well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of y'know, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment?

Monica: ‘Cause they took our apartment, I wanted to punish them. But I’m-I’m done now. They’ve suffered enough.

Phoebe: If you wanted to punish them, you should’ve just made them hang out here!

Rachel: Yeah, that’s true.

Monica: All right then, when I’m done with this place, it’s gonna be ten times better than that place!

Phoebe: Oh, are we gonna trash that place?

(Chandler comes back, obviously drunk, and trips over the steps.)

Chandler: Steps! (He opens the door to his apartment to Ross and Joey looking at the new Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the Playboy behind their backs. Chandler wonders into the girl’s apartment.) You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy!

All: What?!

Ross: So you were right?

Chandler: I confronted her, and she didn’t deny it! (Pause) I don’t live here! (Goes back into his apartment and they all follow him.)

Ross: Chandler!

Rachel: Chandler, what did she say?

Phoebe: Wait a minute.

Joey: Come here.

Monica: Are you sure?

Chandler: Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julie’s…

Rachel: Beefsteak Charlie’s?

Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been like—(motions that they think the same.)

[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Monica is lugging one of those floor polishing machines through the hallway. Rachel comes up the steps and stops when she sees Monica.]

Rachel: Whoops. (Starts to go into Chandler and Joey’s.) Oh, hey, do you need help with that?

Monica: Nah, I got it.

Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. (She goes into Chandler and Joey’s.)

[Cut to inside the apartment.]

Rachel: Hi!

All: Hey!

Rachel: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. It’s just so frustrating!

Phoebe: Why don’t you ask him out?

Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! That’s such a turn-on!

Rachel: Really? It doesn’t seem desperate?

Joey: Oh-ooh, that’s the turn-on.

Phoebe: He just got a divorce right?

Rachel: Hmm-mmm.

Phoebe: So he’s probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move.

Rachel: Yeah but, I’ve never asked a guy out before.

Phoebe: (shocked) You’ve never asked a guy out?!!

Rachel: No. Have you?

Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesn’t make me sound too good does it?

Rachel: I don’t even know how I would go about it.

Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin’?"

Phoebe: Oh, please!

Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin’?

(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)

Rachel: You know what, I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna call him up, and I’m gonna ask him out. I can do that. Ask him out. (Practising) How you doin’? (Calls him) Hi! Joshua? It’s Rachel Green from Bloomingdale’s. (Listens) Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store today? Well, we found a wallet, and we—(Listens) the license? Well, that is a good idea! Uh, well, let’s see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye. (Hangs up) (to Phoebe) You’ve done that a thousand times?

Phoebe: I’ve never done that.

Rachel: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he would say no.

Joey: Well, you gotta give him something that he can’t say no too. Like uh, Knicks tickets! Invite the guy to a Knicks game, you’re guaranteed he’ll say yes!

Rachel: Really?! You think that will work?

Joey: Absolutely! And if it doesn’t, can I get the extra ticket?

(We hear a noise coming from Monica and Rachel’s apartment.)

Joey: What the heck is that?

(They go open the door and reveal Monica being spun around on the floor polisher and getting the cord wrapped around her legs.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are watching a movie as Chandler comes in from his bedroom.]

Chandler: Did she call?

Phoebe: No, sorry.

Chandler: All right, maybe I should call her.

Joey: No! Forget her, man! You don’t need her, you don’t need that!

Ross: He’s right, what she did was unforgivable.

Chandler: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong?

Ross: How might you be wrong?

Chandler: Well y'know, what if she didn’t actually sleep with the guy?

Joey: Dude, tell me she actually told you this.

Chandler: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross!

Ross: That’s all you’re basing this on?

Chandler: That’s not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There’s a lot of theories that didn’t pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.

Chandler: Oh my God!!

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job, she is waiting for Joshua and practising how to ask him out.]

Rachel: Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? (Tries again.) You know, its funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets too… (Tries again.) Umm, who likes the Knicks—(Joshua comes in from the dressing room.)

Joshua: What do you think?

Rachel: Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great!

Joshua: Huh. (She starts brushing the lint off and checking him out in the mirror.) Yeah?

Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. (She puts her arm in his and checks how they would look as a couple.) Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great. (Pause) Umm, so you like it?

Joshua: I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think I’m gonna wear it home.

Rachel: Great.

Joshua: All right, thank you so much for all your help.

Rachel: Sure.

Joshua: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it.

Rachel: Yeah-eah-ha!

Joshua: Thanks. (He starts to leave) Maybe I’ll see in the spring, with the uh, y’know, for the uh, bathing suits.

Rachel: Oh well, you don’t want to do that now?!

Joshua: Ah, that’s okay, thanks.

Rachel: Okay.

Joshua: Anyway, hopefully, I’ll see you around sometime. (He goes out the door.)

Rachel: Basketball!

Joshua: (coming back in) I’m sorry.

Rachel: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you’re interested, just as a thank you for this week.

Joshua: Wow! That would be great.

Rachel: Really?

Joshua: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel. (He takes the tickets and leaves as Mr. Waltham returns.)

Mr. Waltham: Good morning.

Joshua: Hi!

(Mr. Waltham admires Joshua’s butt as he leaves.)

[Scene: Kathy’s apartment, Chandler is knocking on the door.]

Kathy: (opening the door) Hey.

Chandler: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I’m sorry. Y’know? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset.

Kathy: Oh wow. I really wish you’d call me.

Chandler: Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but y’know I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? ‘Cause we’ve had our first fight, and now we can move on. Y’know, I know for me—(Notices a pair of men’s pants on the chair.) Nick’s pants?

Kathy: Yeah.

Chandler: Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is debriefing Rachel on her rejection earlier that day and telling her what she should’ve done. Ross and Phoebe are watching.]

Joey: Okay, for next time, what do you say?

Rachel: I have an extra ticket. An extra ticket. Not, two tickets, I have an extra ticket.

Ross: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he turns you down?

Rachel: He didn’t turn me down! He’s at the game isn’t he? I got the date, I’m just not on it!

Monica: (entering) Okay, it’s ready. Come on.

Joey: What’s ready?

Monica: Just come.

(They all go over to her apartment.)

Ross: Oh my God!

Rachel: Wow! Monica!

Phoebe: Great!

Ross: This is beautiful!

(She has cleaned it, completely redecorated it, removed the carpet, and polished the floor.)

Phoebe: Oh did you—what did you—did you work for two days straight?

Monica: Pretty much. (to Joey) So, what do you, what do you think of the floor?

Joey: I don’t know, it looks the same.

Monica: You used to have carpet.

Joey: Oh yeah!

Monica: So I made snacks. Please, just hang out okay? I’m just gonna rest my eyes just a little bit.

Ross: Look, Mon, do you want us to uh, come back later?

Monica: Oh no-no-no, stay, stay, stay, just keep talking. I’m always the hostess.

(Chandler returns.)

Ross: Hey!

Joey: How’d it go?

Chandler: Well, she wasn’t sleeping with him.

Phoebe: Oh good!

Chandler: She is now.

Ross: What are you saying?

Chandler: I’m saying that she… is a devil woman! Y’know I mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I don’t hate her, I love her. This is all my fault really.

Phoebe: How? How is your fault?

Chandler: Because, I-I should’ve called! Y’know if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would’ve gone out with Nick, and they would’ve ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples!

Rachel: Honey, this is not your fault, just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify her sleeping with someone.

Ross: Well, if-if she thought they were on a break…

(They all turn and glare at him.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is sitting at her desk as Mr. Waltham comes in.]

Mr. Waltham: Rachel, one of your customers seems to have left his billfold. A Joshua Bergen.

Rachel: Really?

Mr. Waltham: Will you call him?

Rachel: Yes! I will! Absolutely! (She takes out his license and her license and holds them face to face with each other. She then proceeds to act like Dark Helmut in Spaceballs, and mimic a conversation between the two of them.) Hello, Rachel. Hi, Joshua. I left my wallet here on purpose. Really? Yes, I just wanted to see you again. Oh, I’m glad. Rachel, I’d like to say something to you. Yes? How you doin’?

End

The One With Joey’s Dirty Day

Written by: Wil Calhoun

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.]

Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now?

Joey: Guggly worm.

Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And this?

Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer.

Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny.

Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what’s this?

Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich)

Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller’s got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It’s the classic struggle between man and—(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp.

Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) That’s all right. Hey you guys, you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?"

All: Great!

(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.)

Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here. Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)

Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week?

Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.

Monica: What’s Phase Two?

Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club.

Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?

Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.

Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.

Ross: There are naked ladies there too.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.]

Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?

Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is.

Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need?

Rachel: Yeah!

Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. (Grabs his hand.) You’re about—well uh, this one is large. And this one—(Grabs the other hand.)

Joshua: Also large?

Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!

Joshua: Okay.

Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?

Rachel: Yes.

Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London—well Shropshire really but y’know—well she’s about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep her company this evening?

Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great!

Mr. Waltham: Oh, good.

Rachel: Me, Fledermaus, great. I really—(motions to Joshua.)

Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.

Joshua: So…(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?")

Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.)

Joshua: Gloves?

Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back!

Joshua: Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda—I have to take off.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?

Rachel: No! Nothing!

Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would you like to come?

Rachel: Yeah! That would be great!

Joshua: You’re into hardcore S&M right?

Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess—I…

Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I’m gonna get there early, but I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.

Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha!

Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I?

Rachel: What?

Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus.

Rachel: Oh. Oh, right.

Mr. Waltham: I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three tenors.

Rachel: Oh yay!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.]

Chandler: Y’know, I can’t believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I’m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants!

Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take ‘em off and we’ll have some fun.

Joey: (entering) Hey-hey!

Ross: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.)

Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea.

All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow!

Monica: You stink!

Ross: Are you kidding?!

Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how’s he doing?

Ross: He hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days.

Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How’s it going?

(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)

Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I’ve got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, Monica!

Monica: Uh-oh, what’s the matter?

Rachel: Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So… What are you gonna do?

Monica: I don’t know sweetie.

Rachel: No! Help me!

Monica: I can’t! I have to work!

Rachel: Phoebe?

Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.

Rachel: Ugh!

Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.

Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is—I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the "Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?

Monica: No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you smell.

Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: So….

Ross: No.

Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!!

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Monica: I think she’s here.

Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!

Ross: You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.

Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she’s looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can’t see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!

Woman: Hello! (Monica screams)

Rachel: I’ll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?

Ross: All right, I’ll do it.

Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily?

Emily: Yes.

Rachel: I’m Rachel Green.

Emily: Thank goodness.

Rachel: There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I’m not free tonight. So…

Emily: Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve missed your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day.

Rachel: Oh well, no I…

Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with a trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who’s got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.

Monica: I-I-I think you look great.

Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)

(Pause)

Rachel: I’ll get her.

Ross: Please hurry.

Phoebe: Don’t you just love the way they talk?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: Ohh!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.

Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!

Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can’t go like that! You stink!

Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don’t have time! They’re just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.

Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that’ll help the smell.

(He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)

Rachel: Hey—whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow!

Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night?

Rachel: Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Why?

Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.

Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?

Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in.

Monica: So you hit her in the face?

Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.

Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.

Rachel: Honey, that’s you’re name.

Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other!

(Chandler enters from his bedroom.)

Monica: Hey! You’re wearing pants!

Chandler: That’s right! Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers.

Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning!

Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.

(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!

Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him!

Monica: Oh-oh, my God!

Chandler: Well, can I just…

Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?

Chandler: She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me!

Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying?

Monica: He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!

Phoebe: What? Oh my God!

Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily—(realises) noooo!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.]

Rachel: They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits Chandler.)

Chandler: Ow!

Rachel: How—how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.)

Chandler: Maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time.

[cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]

Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.

Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!

Ross: I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)

[cut back to Chandler and Joey’s.]

Monica: He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.

Rachel: I don’t get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)

Chandler: Okay, I’m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)

Monica: Why do you care so much anyway?

Rachel: I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that I’m getting nowhere with Joshua that—y’know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!

Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.

Rachel: Oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every…little…thing!! (Storms out.)

Chandler: So y’know, uh, when’s he getting back?

Monica: A couple of days.

Chandler: Y’know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)

Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can’t just go back a phase!

Chandler: Yes you can. You’re thinking about time, you can’t go back in time.

Phoebe: Well, look, why don’t you just, why don’t you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us.

Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys!

Chandler: (laughs) No you can’t.

Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys!

Chandler: You don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and wouldn’t live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)

Phoebe: Y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!

Chandler: Okay. (Starts to cry)

Phoebe: I’m sorry. (Goes and hugs him)

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.]

Joey: (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I’m here! I’m here!

The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we’re running a little late.

(Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a liquorice whip.)

Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!

The A.D: Yeah, we loves ‘em. I’ve never seen him with—(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)

Joey: (trying to act like he’s not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad?

The A.D: You.

Joey: Y’know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is?

The A.D: You?

Joey: No-no, it’s uh, it’s Heston.

The A.D: What?

Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice.

The A.D: There’s no way he smells, he’s the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.

Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?

The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it.

Joey: Interesting.

[Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn’t enjoying himself.]

Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, I’ve got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?

Chandler: No thanks, Mom!

(A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)

Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, ‘cause I’m pregnant.

The Cigarette Smoking Guy: (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files.) Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.

Phoebe: Ha-ha, it’s not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.)

(The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)

Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer’s hot pants) so good.

Phoebe: (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.

Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn’t call. I mean you’d think he’d be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!

Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!!

Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.

Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please.

Monica: Oh! And don’t let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy.

Chandler: Ahh, come on! Y’know what—y’know what, I think I’m just gonna go home and call Kathy.

Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help.

Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I’m gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I’m gonna get so drunk, I’m gonna wanna call Janice

Phoebe: You should! How is she?

Chandler: Ohhh!!

Monica: I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.)

[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston’s dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.]

Charlton Heston: Hello! Who’s in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.)

Joey: How ya doin’?

Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you?

Joey: I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?

Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.

Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I’m an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I’m doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.

Charlton Heston: (shocked) You’re in this picture?

Joey: Yeah-yeah, I’m one of the cops that won’t work with you ‘cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I’m really sorry, but I stink!

Charlton Heston: Joey, right?

Joey: Yeah.

Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or another—opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won’t even watch himself.

Joey: Oh no-no-no, you don’t understand…

Charlton Heston: Listen to me!

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah.

Charlton Heston: I don’t know one actor worth his salt that didn’t say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?!

Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, I’m-I’m—(he starts to leave)

Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants.

Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are returning from the strip club.]

Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right?

Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!

Rachel: (entering) I can’t believe it! He still hasn’t called.

Phoebe: Who, Josh?

Rachel: It’s Joshua.

Monica: What, he doesn’t like Josh?

Rachel: No, I don’t.

Chandler: All right, well I’m gonna put my sweats back on.

Phoebe: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y’know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? Because we’re girls.

Chandler: Yeah?

Phoebe: And do you know what girls are really good at?

Chandler: Stripping!

Phoebe: No, listening! Sit! Y’know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk.

Rachel: Yeah, come on! What’s going in on in there? (Pats his chest.)

Monica: Yeah. And y’know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too.

Chandler: Okay, look, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave.

Monica: Come on! Chandler!

Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn’t picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)

Monica: They really were pretty, weren’t they? (Rachel and Phoebe both agree)

Phoebe: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one.

Monica: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Y’know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) It’d, it’d be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite.

Rachel: See, I don’t know, for me it would have to Chantal.

Monica: Oh, Chantal!

Rachel: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh…

Chandler: (jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women!

Monica: That’s-that’s not Phase Three.

Chandler: Well, I’m there too!

Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group?

Chandler: Stop it! You’re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!

Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that?

Chandler: Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey up about missing Phase Two.]

Chandler: Come on, let me see that smile.

Joey: I don’t wanna.

Chandler: Please?

Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club!

Chandler: I know, I know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.

Joey: Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.)

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey—ooh so, how was Vermont?

Ross: Emily is…incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!

Rachel: Oh, hey!

Ross: Hey! You were so right!

Rachel: What?

Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other.

Rachel: Oh, hmm.

Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn’t quite there. Y’know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy…

Rachel: Joshua.

Ross: Joshua…guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda…y’know.

Rachel: Yeah, I…

Ross: But now! I’m there! I’m totally there! I’m-I’m finally where you are!

Rachel: Oh, thank goodness!

Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.

Rachel: Oh, no problem. I’m so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She playfully punches him.)

Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.)

Rachel: No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, it’s a dream sequence, this isn’t cable.]

Chandler: All right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler’s the king! Chandler’s the king!"

Phoebe: I-I wanna be with her, (points to the stripper next to her) I like her.

Chandler: Oh, that’s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.

Monica: Wait, now, what am I doing again?

Chandler: Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!

The Cigarette Guy: Hi, I’m Joshua, I’m here to pick up Rachel.

Rachel: No-no-no, that’ not Joshua.

Chandler: What do you want from me, I’ve never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I’m sorry you can’t stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler’s back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I’ve got to wake up!

End

The One With All The Rugby

Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun

Story by: Andrew Reich and Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting a petticure (Does that scare you that I know those terms?  Well, it scares me.).]

Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done!  And you said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is.  Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!

Rachel: Chandler, there’s a guy right over there. (Points to the counter)

Chandler: That’s a mailman! That’s our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?

Rachel: Chandler, don’t worry! This doesn’t make you any less of a guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.

Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?

Rachel: Hmm.

Woman: OH…MY…GAWD!! (Yep, you guessed it. It’s Janice.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]

Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do?

Joey: Ohh, Nothing.

Monica: Didn’t it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did?

Joey: I know what it did! Nothing.

Monica: They wouldn’t have put it there if it didn’t do something! How can you not care?

Joey: Like this. (Shrugs)

Rachel: Well, here’s another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does?

Joey: Sure! It flushes it.

Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it?

Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!

Joey: Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in surprise.)

Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?!

Monica: Janice?!

Chandler: Isn’t this amazing?

Monica: How have you been?

Janice: Oh well, I’m divorced.

Phoebe: Ohhh, wow.

Janice: Yeah, I’m riding the alimony pony. (Does the now famous laugh.)

Joey: And there it is.

Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, I’ll see you tonight.

Chandler: Okay. Bye.

Janice: Bye.

Chandler: Bye.

Janice: Bye.

Chandler: Bye.

Janice: Bye.

Chandler: B-bye!

Janice: Bye-bye.

Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After it’s closed) I can’t stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)

Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her!

Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality—Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And she’s picked up like nine new ones!

Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There’s people here!

Chandler: Don’t worry about it. I’m taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)

Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her.

Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don’t have to break up with her this time. We’re not involved! I’m going to do a pre-emptive strike! I’m going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)

Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) I’m tellin’ ya!

[Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.]

Emily: I can’t believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York.

Ross: No, it’s really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe.

(At that moment two very large men start screaming and running towards Emily and picking her up.)

Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!!

Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. (Introducing them) Liam, Devon, this is Ross.

Devon: Hey, mate.

Liam: How are ya man?

Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? (Imitating himself) Help! Help!

Emily: So how are you? I’ve been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, I’ve been rather busy.

Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert?

Emily: Oh my God. I think you’re right.

Liam: (puts his arm around her) Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning.

Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her back.)

Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something—or should I call it (In an English accent) football?

Devon: We were playing rugby.

Liam: In fact we’re playing a game at the park tomorrow. You’re welcome to play too if you want.

Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I don’t think so.

Ross: What’s ah, what’s so funny about that?

Emily: Well I mean, you’re American to start with. You don’t even have rugby here.

Ross: Well, we didn’t have freedom here until 1776, either so…

Devon: So good then! We’ll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers!

Liam: Cheers!

Ross: Cheers!

(Liam and Devon both take a swig of their beers, while Ross takes a swig of his coffee. The Brits both crush their cans, and not to be out done, Ross crushes his coffee cup, spilling its contents.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.]

Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing!

Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.

Janice: Oh, look at us! Who would’ve thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails. (Does the laugh)

Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. I’m just getting out of a very serious relationship…

Janice: I know! And I’m just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be!

Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.

Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time.

Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!

Janice: Oh no! Where to? (Gasps) Too Paris?

Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris.

Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona?

Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. That’s right, yes, I’m being transferred to Yemen!

Janice: When?

Chandler: I don’t know exactly.

Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.

Chandler: But I do know that it’s some time tomorrow.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.]

Monica: Done?

Phoebe: Yep!

Rachel: (entering, with Joey) Hey!

Joey: Hey! What’s up?

Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don’t work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is.

Joey: (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before you did.

Rachel: Y’know, you-you also could’ve used uh, lamps and then followed the light.

Monica: Yeah, well, I’m using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? (They all start looking until Rachel realises it’s Joey.)

Rachel: It’s coming from Joey!

Phoebe: Oh my God, that’s so freaky! Turn him off!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining.

Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. I’m watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I don’t know what the big deal is. I’m man enough to play this sport.

Joey: Dude, you’re not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.

Janice: (entering) Hey there Ross!

Ross: (shocked) Hey!

Phoebe: (whispering to Ross) Janice.

Chandler: Y’know uh, you didn’t really have to help me pack.

Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn’t really leave me much choice. Did you?

Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!

Joey: Hey-hey, what’s going on?

Chandler: Oh, I’m packing. Y’know I’m-I’m packing ‘cause I’m moving to Yemen tomorrow.

Joey: Thanks for telling me!

(Janice runs into the bedroom.)

Chandler: I’m only going to pretend I’m moving to Yemen, it’s the only way I can get rid off her.

Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country.

Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, I’m gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. It’s a real space saver.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that ‘cause it makes me look taller.

Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on!

Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!

Joey: Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I can’t believe you said you’d play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is!

Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right?

Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad.

Ross: That’s ‘cause-‘cause you’re mom’s dog kept-kept looking at me.

Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. That’s called a scrum, okay? It’s kinda like a huddle.

Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle?

Joey: Ross! (Laughs) They’re gonna kill you!

Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway?

Ross: Well, you should’ve seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he’s like Joe Rugby.

Phoebe: You’re kidding! And he plays rugby?! That’s so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right.

Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So I’m gonna show her how tough I really am!

Rachel: (starts laughing, Ross stares at her) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re right, you are a tough guy. You’re the toughest palaeontologist I know.

Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It’s not like he’s…Chandler!

Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks!

Ross: Look, don’t worry about me. Okay? I’ll just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. I’ll uh, I’ll be that guy right out of the circle. (He points to a player who starts running and then gets viscously tackled from behind.)

All: Oh!

Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin’ at him.

(Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey stops him.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to support Ross.]

Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy (Points), and that guy (Points). And that one—Dude! They’re all huge!

Ross: They don’t look any bigger than me!

Joey: Well, maybe that’s because you’re closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are.

Emily: I’m just going to say hi to the lads. All right?

Ross: All right.

Emily: Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.)

(A player comes over and picks up a ball in front of Phoebe.)

Phoebe: (to the player) Hi.

(The player stands up and smiles. Showing that he has no front teeth.)

Phoebe: Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I kinda liked it.

(The referee blows the whistle and the players gather to start the game.)

Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. I’ve got to go Red Ross. (Joey and Phoebe don’t know what he’s talking about.) Y’know, Red Ross!

Joey: I totally don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!!

Joey: No.

Ross: You’ll see.

[Cut to Emily, Devon, and Liam]

Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it’s his first time.

Liam: You don’t say! (We see Ross who is hopping about with the ball and spikes it in his face.)

Emily: (to Ross) Good luck, babe.

(The scrum forms and the game is underway.)

Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! (Ross gets pumped up.) Ross! Come on!

(Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the scrum.)

Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in!

(Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top of the scrum and falls headfirst into the middle, leaving his feet sticking straight up.)

Ross: JOEY!!!!!!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: You…are…not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened?

Monica: He asked you out?!

Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.

Monica: Saucy!

Rachel: (refers to the table) What are these?

Monica: Electrical plans for the building.

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?

Monica: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours.

Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew.

[Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.]

Chandler: Y’know you, really didn’t have to take me to the airport.

Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y’know? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don’t really seem to care too much that you’re leaving.

Chandler: Well, we’re really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.

Janice: On no! No! It’s not good-bye, I’m not leaving until you get on that plane.

Chandler: Okay. Then I guess it’s just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.

Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen?

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.

Ticket Counter Attendant: I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand.

Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?

Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child?

Chandler: No. All right, y’know what, she’s (Points to Janice) gonna think that I’m handing you a credit card, but what I’m really gonna do is hand you a library card.

Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don’t take library cards.

Janice: What’s the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay?

Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express?

[Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting killed.]

Emily: I can’t believe they’re doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him!

Phoebe: No offence but, y’know sometimes it’s hard to understand you, y’know with the accent, so…

(The whistle blows.)

Emily: That’s just halftime, there’s more of this.

(Ross limps over all covered in mud.)

Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game!

Emily: Right.

Ross: (to Emily) Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle of water?

Emily: Okay.

Ross: Thanks. (When she’s gone he collapses into Joey.) I-I think I’m dying. I really do.

Phoebe: Oh, poor baby.

Ross: (to Phoebe) Tell my son that I love him. (Emily returns with the water.) Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun!

Emily: Ross, they are killing you out there!

Ross: (whines "No.") That’s not true!

Phoebe: She’s right! You have to stop!

Ross: What? No! No, I’m not stopping. I’m Red Ross!

Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, you’re gonna be Dead Ross!

Ross: I don’t care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game!

Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help you.

Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything.

Emily: No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain.

Ross: I like that.

Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle.

Ross: Huh?

Emily: One swift kick and he’ll back off.

Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it!

Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesn’t wear a cup.

Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay!

Emily: And uh, Liam, Liam’s got bad knees. You hit him right and he’ll go down like a lamp.

Ross: But-but, Liam’s on my team.

Emily: I don’t care! You just get him!

Ross: I’m gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! (Squeals like a madman.)

Joey: The Red Ross! Okay.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that weren’t there originally.) What-what are-what are these?

Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they’d brighten up the place. They do don’t you think?

(Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole underneath.)

Monica: No-no-no, no!

(Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this one doesn’t have a hole underneath it.)

Monica: I know that there’s no hole there, I just really liked that picture.

(Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She then removes a fourth one, revealing a third hole.)

Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this!

Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something!

Rachel: I don’t care! The wires have come loose in your head!

Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.

Rachel: And did you?!

Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs.

(Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is covering a hole and gasps.)

Monica: But it didn’t. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus.

Rachel: Oh my God.

Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling.

Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus.

[Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]

Phoebe: Now, are you sure you don’t want to go see a doctor?

Ross: Oh no! That-that’ll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Y’know what? I’m buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it’s in my pocket.

Joey: Yeah, sure.

Ross: No, not you. (Emily gets it.)

Joey: Uhh, look, your eye’s still popping out a little, I’m gonna go get some ice.

Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! (They go and get the coffee and the ice leaving Ross and Emily alone.)

Emily: You were amazing out there.

Ross: Oh, I kinda was, wasn’t I?

Emily: Oh my God!

Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven’t done that since I was four and I washed my dad’s Porsche with rocks.

Emily: You really enjoyed yourself didn’t you?

Ross: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three huge men, I gave a guy a bloody nose—I mean I-I’m not proud of it but, I really am. And it’s all because of you, wonderful, amazing you.

Emily: I think you’ve got concussion.

Ross: No, no, I’m serious. Thank you.

Emily: You’re welcome. (She hugs him tightly and he winces.) I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?

Ross: It’s worth the pain. (She goes to hug him again.) Y’know what, you know what? It’s not.

[Scene: The airport, the flight to Yemen is being called.]

Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.

Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go.

Janice: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. I’ll wait for you. Do you even know how long you’re going to be gone?

Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.

Janice: Oh. Well, I’ll right you everyday. (Reading the address) 15 Yemen Road, Yemen.

Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye.

(He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.)

Janice: Chandler?

Chandler: No!

Janice: Chandler!

Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!

Janice: No! No! I wanna see you take-off.

Chandler: Well, I then guess I’m going to Yemen! I’m going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]

Monica: All right. The super couldn’t figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldn’t figure out what it did. I’ve had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up.

Rachel: Thank God.

Monica: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing.

[Cut to Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.]

Phoebe: See? I’m doing it. I am totally doing it. (Suddenly it stops working.) I lost it.

End

The One With The Fake Party

Teleplay by Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri

Story by Alicia Sky Varinaitis

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is stressing out about something.]

Monica: What is it hon?

Phoebe: I-I can’t find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat makes me nauseous! I’m telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake—ooh! Cake! (Chandler shrugs, and Phoebe grimaces.) No.

Monica: Aww, honey I’m sorry.

Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? It’s coming from the bathroom. Ooh! (She goes to the bathroom.)

Chandler: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.

[Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and Phoebe knocks on the door.]

Joey: Yeah?

Phoebe: It’s me. It’s Phoebe. Listen there’s something in here I want to eat, what-what smells so good?

(Joey sticks his head out of the shower curtain.)

Joey: Is it the shampoo? It’s guava.

Phoebe: (she smells his head) No!

Joey: Oh! Wait-wait! (Reaches inside the shower.) Is it my bologna sandwich?

Phoebe: Yes. Yes. Yes. I can’t believe it! The baby wants bologna! Maybe he wants me to eat meat? I can’t eat meat!

Joey: Oh, wait-wait! (Reaches into the shower again.) Maybe it’s a pickle?!

(Phoebe grimaces at the smell.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are there. Rachel is writing something on a pad, and then crumples it up and throws it on the floor.]

Chandler: What are you writing?

Rachel: Well, Joshua’s coming in tomorrow and since I don’t have the guts to ask him out, I’m going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket.

Chandler: Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of style—what did you throw away?

(Ross and Emily enter.)

Chandler: Hi guys!

All: Hey!

Joey: Hey, what have you guys been up too?

Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the Cupert-Hewitt museum.

Chandler: Without me?!

Emily: My uncle dragged us there. But, it actually it turned out to be really interesting.

Ross: Yeah.

Emily: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! (Shows them a doorknob she has.)

Monica: I don’t know how museums work in England but, here, you’re not supposed to take stuff.

Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.) It’s a joke. (They all laugh.)

Ross: Bye. (They kiss.)

Emily: Right, I’ve got to be off, I’ll see ya. Buh-bye then. (She leaves.)

Joey: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good time.

Ross: Oh yeah, she’s-she’s amazing. And-and she’s so much fun. And! Y’know what? When I’m with her, I’m fun! I even signed up for helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) She’s leaving in two days, I don’t have to do it.

Monica: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed.

Ross: Yeah, she’s got to go back to London. But you know what? I’ve been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and that’s it. Y’know.

Joey: Hey that’s what all my relationships are like.

Chandler: Yes, but in Ross’s case, they both know in two weeks that’s it.

(Phoebe enters.)

Ross: Pheebs!

All: Hey!

Ross: (starts rubbing her belly) Hello! Hello!

Phoebe: (angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, y’know? And I got nauseous.

Chandler: Maybe that’s because soy-burgers suck!

Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy.

Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow.

Phoebe: That’s sweat. You throw up all morning, you’ll have that glow too.

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is preparing to slip Joshua the note.]

Joshua: (coming in from a changing room) Okay!

Rachel: Oh, here’s that trench-coat that you wanted.

Joshua: Oh great! (He tries on the coat.) Wow! Yeah, it’s comfortable.

Rachel: Yeah?

Joshua: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. (He goes to put his hands in his pockets.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they don’t want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.

Joshua: Why not?!

Rachel: Well, that’s because of a lot of…(She imitates someone picking their nose and placing the treasure found in the pockets.)

Joshua: Y’know, they ruin it for everybody.

Rachel: I know!

Joshua: Y’know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night.

Rachel: Oh?

Joshua: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce.

Rachel: Well, congratulations, so do you love her?

Joshua: No, no, no, she’s nice but, y’know, it just it made me realize that I’m just not, I’m just not ready to be dating, y’know?

Rachel: Huh. Well, uh, that’s uh, that’s interesting. (She goes over and retrieves her note.)

Joshua: (noticing her) Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that?

Rachel: Oh, it’s just an anti-theft device.

Joshua: Then uh, what’s-what’s this? (Shows her the real anti-theft device.)

Rachel: You need that, you need that too ‘cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. (Rips up the note.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Joey: Yeah, what’ going on?

Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it’s actually for Joshua. (Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he said he’s not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have the perfect opportunity to seduce him! (Hands Ross a party hat.)

Ross: Well, as much as I’d like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I aren’t going to be here. All right? I mean, she’s going to come by first to say good-bye, and then I’ve got a whole special evening planned. So I’m sorry, no party.

Joey: Awwww!

Emily: (entering) Hello?

Rachel: Surprise!!!

Chandler and Joey: Surprise!!

Emily: No one’s ever thrown me a surprise party before!

Rachel: Well, it was all Ross’s idea.

Emily: You’re so sweet! And I’m so surprised!

Ross: You really didn’t know?

[Cut to later, the party is in full swing. Rachel is in the kitchen and Chandler goes over to talk to her.]

Chandler: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? (Points to the living room.)

Rachel: Uhh, because I’m trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he’s looking over here, say something funny.

Chandler: Like what?

(Rachel laughs hysterically.)

Joey: What-what-what is so funny?

Chandler: I said, "Like what?"

Joey: Now that’s a thinker.

Rachel: Okay, y’know what, y’know what? This playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. (Chandler does so.) Okay. Okay. (She does a little sexy walk over to where Joshua is standing.) Hi!

Joshua: Hi!

Rachel: Care for a cherry?

Joshua: Oh, no thanks.

Rachel: No? Y’know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue.

(She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but only succeeds in choking on it.)

Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is not hacking like a heavy smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away, coughing.)

Ross: (interrupting Monica and Emily) So we should probably get going soon.

Emily: Oh, but the party’s only just getting started!

Ross: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks in 15 minutes and then y’know, then The Plaza for dinner.

Emily: So why did you plan a party at the same time?

Ross: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are very short. It’s usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, I’m so surprised—good-bye!"

Emily: But Ross, I’m such having a great time! Your sister has just been telling me that you used to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-believe tea parties.

Ross: Monica said that did she? (He squeezes Monica’s knee really hardly and Monica winces in pain.)

[Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a sandwich.]

Phoebe: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to put on top of that?

Joey: A little salami.

Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami?

Joey: Pastrami.

Phoebe: Oooh, yeah. You’re a genius.

(Rachel enters, she has changed clothes.)

Rachel: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper?

Joey: Yeah. (He goes over to her.)

Rachel: Up!

Monica: You changed?

Rachel: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress.

Monica: And lucky means, more cleavage?

Chandler: Does for me.

(Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes at little too far and Rachel just glares at him. He stops, gives her the ‘okay’ symbol and walks away.)

Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, he’s so cute. I wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him?

Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra.

Rachel: What?

Joey: There was a seen in Footloose...

Chandler: Flashdance.

Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl…

Chandler: She was a welder.

Joey: What? Were you like in the movie, or… Anyway, she takes off her bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy.

Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe.

Rachel: It’s not Christmas!

Monica: Or Spin the Bottle?

Rachel: He’s not 11!

Emily: (with her coat on, she’s leaving with Ross) Thank you so much for this. It was really so thoughtful of you.

Rachel: What? You’re leaving?!

Ross: Yes, we have something we have to get to.

Joshua: Uhh, yeah, I think I’m going to take-off too.

Rachel: No! You guys can’t leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned!

Ross: What big thing?

[Cut to later, the whole group is seated on the floor and Rachel is explaining the rules of Spin the Bottle.]

Rachel: (spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I spin the bottle, it lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. (She crawls over to where Gunther is sitting and sees the look of anticipation on Gunther’s face and decides not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first?

Emily: I’ll go.

All: Yay!

(Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.)

Joey: Welcome to America. (They both kiss.)

(Joey spins the bottle and it lands on Emily.)

Monica: Two in a row! You’ve got to use your tongues now! (They kiss again.)

Rachel: Yay! Emily!

(Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on Joey.)

Chandler: What are the odds? What are the odds?

(They both move to kiss again.)

Ross: (stopping them) Okay, that-that’s enough! Y’know, let’s, let’s let someone else play.

Joey: If you didn’t want to play, why did you come to the party?

Rachel: Okay, my turn!!

(Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on….wait for it….Joshua. (You thought I was going to say Ross, didn’t you?) Rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked!

All: Ohh!

Rachel: It’s okay! It’s okay! It kicked once, it’ll kick again!

All: Oh my God!

(They all stand up and go over to Phoebe to feel the baby, preventing Rachel from kissing Joshua.)

Rachel: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting.

(She crawls over to Joshua and kisses the back of his knee. He feels it and looks down, Rachel pretends she’s knocking a bug off his leg.)

Rachel: Just a bug.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, it is later in the party. The Spin the Bottle game is over and Chandler is making a sandwich as Phoebe watches.]

Phoebe: Y’know it doesn’t matter how much I’m craving it. Y’know why I’m never gonna eat meat? Because it’s murder, cold blooded murder.

Chandler: Okay.

(He takes a bite out of the sandwich and as he does so, Phoebe attacks the other end and starts devouring the sandwich.)

Chandler: There’s a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the sandwich to Phoebe.)

Joey: Phoebe, what-what are you doing?!

Phoebe: I can’t help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat.

Joey: All right look, y’know how-y’know how when you’re dating someone and you don’t want to cheat on them, unless it’s with someone really hot?

Phoebe: Yeah, totally!

Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you’re going to do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right!

[Cut to later, Phoebe is finishing off her steak.]

Joey: Feel better now?

Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day, I’m gonna eat like, y’know millions of cows.

Joey: Hey, what if I said, I could even things out for ya, meatwise.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Well, I eat a lot of meat right?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Well, suppose until the baby’s born I laid off it. No extra animals would die, you-you’d just be eating my animals.

Phoebe: Joey, I can’t believe you would do that for me.

Joey: Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There’s no meat in beer, right?

[Cut to Ross and Emily standing by the foosball table.]

Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers and asked for our check right away.

(Rachel enters, she has changed once again. This time into her high school cheerleading uniform.)

Emily: But, we can’t go now. It looks like Rachel’s gonna put on a skit.

Monica: Oh my God! Have you lost your mind?

Rachel: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress wasn’t working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed.

Monica: Rachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I can’t let—(pause), actually I kinda want to see what happens.

Joshua: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Joshua: Nice uh, costume.

Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye cheer. So okay! (Runs into the living room) Ready! Okay! Gimme an ‘E!’

All: E!

Rachel: Gimme an ‘M!’

All: M!

Rachel: Gimme an ‘I!’

All: I!

Rachel: Gimme an ‘L!’

All: L!

Rachel: Gimme a ‘Y!’

All: Y!

Rachel: What do you get? (She throws her pom-poms to Joey and Phoebe and performs a cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.) Emil—Whoa!! (She falls in Chandler’s room.) Okay! So that’s me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! (Gunther’s the only one that claps.)

(Joey and Monica rush over to her.)

Joey and Monica: Are you all right?

Rachel: I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m just losing a tooth, it’s no big deal. I have a dentist! Y’know. I’m gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. (She goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow her.) What do I do now? What do I do now?

Monica: I think you’re done.

Joey: Okay, time to take off the bra. (She glares at him.)

Joshua: Umm, that was really great, but I-I gotta take-off actually.

Joey: (trying not to be obvious) Take the bra off.

Rachel: All right, come on, let’s go get your coat.

Joshua: Okay.

(They both go to Chandler’s bedroom to get his coat.)

[Cut to Gunther and Emily.]

Gunther: Rachel is my girlfriend.

[Cut to Chandler’s bedroom.]

Joshua: So, this was uh, really fun.

Rachel: Oh, yeah! Real fun. (She makes a decision.) Y’know, this bra… Really, bothers me. (She starts taking off her bra.) Y’know, this used to be my bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in here, a lot of memories. If these walls could talk, y’know what they’d say? Wanna hear some memories? (She is now violently pulling on her bra in order to remove it, but it isn’t co-operating.)

Joshua: Need uh, need a little hand there.

Rachel: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control.

Joshua: You really don’t seem like you do. That’s…

(She is still yanking on the bra, but it is stuck in her sleeve. Finally, she gives up.)

Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily on the bed.) This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen.

Joshua: Well, what was supposed to happen?

Rachel: Can you not look at me when I say this? (He turns around) I thought that if I could get you here, I could seduce you.

Joshua: Huh. Oh, boy! (Sits down next to her.) Uhh, I-I don’t wear suits to work, and I bought six of them from you.

Rachel: Well, I’m sorry, I thought you needed them!

Joshua: No, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept coming back because, I wanted to see you.

Rachel: Why?!

Joshua: Because I-I like you.

Rachel: You like me?

Joshua: Yeah! I mean you’re-you’re beautiful and smart and sophisticated—a lot of this isn’t based on tonight.

Rachel: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can’t believe this, all this time, I liked you and you liked me!

Joshua: But…

Rachel: Oh no-no-no don’t say but! No-no, but’s never good! Let’s just leave it at, you like me and I like you.

Joshua: Okay uh, however…

Rachel: Oh, now see that’s a fancy but.

Joshua: My marriage like just ended, and I’m really not ready to get into anything yet.

Rachel: But….

Joshua: I’m sorry, I, I just need a little time.

Rachel: Okay.

[Scene: The hallway, Ross is sitting on the step drinking a beer as Rachel comes out of the guys apartment.]

Rachel: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua’s gone so you and Emily are free to go.

Ross: That’s okay. She’s still in there enjoying her fake party and uh, it’s too late to do any of the things I had planned, so…

Rachel: Oh, Ross, I’m sorry. I completely ruined your evening.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool out of myself.

Ross: Helps a little.

Rachel: Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser?

Ross: Yeah, have a seat.

Rachel: I’m so sorry.

Ross: That’s okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just didn’t want it to end this way, y’know?

Rachel: Well, maybe you didn’t want it to end?

Ross: What do you mean?

Rachel: You seem to really like her.

Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment.

Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks.

Ross: You think?

Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.

Ross: Hey, you’re right.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Thanks. (He starts to go inside and stops.) What photo album was it?

Rachel: I don’t know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids.

Ross: Oh my God! Those weren’t albino kids, that was computer camp! Rach! (He hurries inside and Chandler is taking out the garbage.)

Rachel: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: You’re a pathetic loser, right?

Chandler: Oh-ho, yeah!

Rachel: Sit!

(He does so, and immediately starts looking pathetic.)

Joshua: Hi. (He has just returned.)

Rachel: Oh my gosh, Joshua!

Joshua: All those things I said about not being ready…

Rachel: They’re not true?

Joshua: No, they’re-they’re all true.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: But…

Rachel: Oh! Oh, I love that but.

(They move to kiss, but realise that Chandler is staring at them. Chandler urges them on.)

Rachel: You wanna go inside and have some coffee?

Joshua: Yeah.

Rachel: Okay. (Joshua goes inside and to Chandler.) Every time.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next day. Phoebe is busy making a sandwich.]

Joey: Oooh, what you got there?

Phoebe: Pastrami.

Joey: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! Y’know what goes good with that?

Phoebe: Hm-mm, corn beef.

Joey: Ooh, I was gonna say bologna, but that’s much better. How about a little of that smoked turkey?

Phoebe: Okay.

Joey: (He starts looking longingly at the sandwich.) Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby due?

Phoebe: Six months.

Joey: Ugh. Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one of those right?

Phoebe: Not if I get there first.

End

The One With The Free Porn

Story by Mark J. Kunerth

Teleplay by Richard Goodman

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.]

Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!!

Joey: (coming in from his bedroom) What is that?

Chandler: Treeger’s snaking the shower drain.

Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell?

Joey: Maybe he found you flip-flop.

(Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.)

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must’ve hit something on the remote.

Chandler: Do we pay for this?

Joey: No, we didn’t even pay our cable bill—maybe this is how they punish us.

Chandler: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our phone bill—free phone sex.

Joey: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our gas bill? (Stops and thinks about what he just said.)

Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that lady’s all kinds of naked.

Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!

Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.

Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it!

Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I’m sad. (Exits.)

Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]

Rachel: All right, y’know what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)

Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!

Chandler: We don’t know what could make this go away.

Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!

Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV!

Joey: Imagine a protective porn bubble if you will, okay?

Monica: Well at least, I’m going to mute it.

Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them)

Chandler: We still have porn.

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: (entering, carrying her massage table) Hi!

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: Honey, what are you doing? That’s too heavy.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica right away.)

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: Ohh, I’m getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Y’know, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.)

Chandler: Or a job where you don’t have to carry a table.

Phoebe: You mean like a doctor?

Joey: Pheebs! You’re blocking the porn! Look out!

Phoebe: Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Hi.

Monica: Hi.

Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport.

Monica: Oh. Why didn’t you take her?

Ross: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y’know, we-we said our good-byes this morning, so…

Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn!

Ross: (Thinks about it.) Nah.

Monica: Hey, cheer up! You’re gonna see her again, right?

Ross: Well I, that’s the thing, I don’t know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let’s just enjoy…"

Monica: (interrupting him) No-no-no, don’t-don’t do the accent. You’ve got to see her again.

Ross: And why do you care so much?

Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!

Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?

Monica: No! Y’know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.

Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid?

Monica: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!

Ross: Ahh.

Monica: Do you love her?

Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, y’know?

Monica: You love her!

Ross: What-what is love really?

Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You’re probably just gonna catch her just as she’s about to go to the gate. You’re gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she’s gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.

Ross: I am a good kisser.

Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in… (Ross looks at her.) I’ve been watching too much porn.

[Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel is with her. We here the baby’s heartbeat.]

Rachel: Is that the heartbeat?

The Doctor: That’s it.

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Rachel: Oh wow! This is so cool.

(The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.)

The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?

Phoebe: Why don’t take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I’ll hold onto your card, okay?

The Doctor: No, I’m getting three separate heartbeats.

Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn’t even have one!

The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time.

Phoebe: Well, yeah.

Rachel: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!

The Doctor: Definitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I’m going to have three full grown babies just walkin’ around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it’s gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!

The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn’t that different from giving birth to one.

Phoebe: What do you know?!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news.]

Alice: (entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe!

Phoebe: Ooh! Hi!

Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebe’s stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors?

Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, y’know how when you’re umm, you’re walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that’s nice?"

Frank: Yes.

Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, you’re going to have three babies.

Alice: Three babies?

Frank: I finally got my band!

Alice: We’re gonna have a big family, I’ve always wanted a big family!

Phoebe: Oh God, I’m so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked.

Frank: Why would we be freaked?

Phoebe: No, no maybe ‘cause it’s harder to raise them, and the added expense, and…

Frank: (They’re less than happy now) Oh.

Alice: Right.

Phoebe: No, back to happy. Back to happy!

Alice: No-no-no, no, it’s going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y’know it’ll-it’ll be like my very own little sweatshop.

Frank: Yeah, I’ve been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.

Alice: No, Frank.

Phoebe: No you can’t quit college! No! You’re in college? Really?

Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college.

Alice: Yeah.

Frank: Yeah, y’know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y’know I figured y’know like I should y’know have like a career—and I love refrigerators!

Phoebe: You can’t give up on your dream.

Frank: No, it’s okay. We’re-we’re gonna have three kids! And that’s-that’s a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money.

[Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London.]

Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009.

Ross: Emily! (Runs up.)

Emily: Oh my God! What are you doing here? (They hug)

Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off.

Emily: You are so sweet. (They kiss.)

Ross: That’s, that’s, that’s a big candy bar. (She’s holding one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had the most amazing time with you.

Emily: Me too.

Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009.

Emily: Well, that’ me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him the candy bar.) I’m only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts towards the jetway.)

Ross: (stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm, I’ve been thinking, I’m just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I think I love you.

Emily: Oh. (She’s shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.)

Ross: That’s no problem.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of song.]

Rachel: What’s that song? It has been in my head all day long.

Chandler: It’s the theme from Good Will Humping.

Rachel: Y’know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.

Joey: Yeah right.

Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.

Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?

Rachel: Yes!

Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.

(Rachel starts to leave.)

Monica: Where ya going?

Rachel: I’m going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. (As she exits, Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Monica: How did it go with Frank and Alice?

Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, ‘cause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.

Chandler: They don’t really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though.

(Ross enters.)

Monica: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her?

Ross: I did.

Monica: And well, what did she say?

Ross: Thank you.

Monica: Oh, you’re totally welcome! What’d she say?

Ross: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you."

Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?

Joey: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!

Ross: What do I do now?

Joey: You play hard to get.

Ross: She already lives in London.

Joey: Then you go to Tokyo.

Chandler: All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, it’s over.

Monica: It is not over! You’re over!

Chandler: What?

Monica: You know!

Chandler: Okay. (Pause) Good one.

Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldn’t, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)

Ross: Okay! Okay! But if she doesn’t call, it is definitely over! No, wait. Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, y’know just to she what’s going on, and, and she says she’ll call me back, but then she doesn’t. Then it’s over.

(Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him two thumbs up.)

Joey: Way to be strong, man!

(Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives him the loser sign.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having just woken up.]

Rachel: Hey!

Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again.

Rachel: Well, so, why don’t you just turn it off?

Chandler: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.

Phoebe: (entering carrying a case) Ooh, good, you’re hear! Okay.

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel: Well, what-what ‘cha got there?

Phoebe: Oh this, well I’m glad you asked. (She opens the case and removes a knife and an soda can.) Now, don’t you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? (She efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know what you’re thinking…

Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?

Monica: Phoebe, they didn’t make you pay for those knives, did they?

Phoebe: No!

Monica: Are you sure?

Phoebe: No!

Rachel: Honey, you’re not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives.

Phoebe: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan.

Chandler: What’s the second part of your plan?

Phoebe: My Saturn dealership.

[Scene: Ross’s bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is awaken by the phone.]

Ross: (Answers the phone.) Hello?

Emily: Ross.

Ross: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight?

Emily: It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those wonderful things.

Ross: No, no, that-that, that’s all right. Umm, I’m just glad you called.

Emily: Ross umm, there’s something that I’ve got to tell you, there’s-there’s someone else.

Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation with Emily to the gang.]

Ross: She doesn’t know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy.

Monica: This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, there can’t be another guy.

Ross: Well…

Monica: Of course there’s another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you have to prove your love!

Ross: I’m not proving anything. Okay, I’m done listening to you. If I hadn’t let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never would’ve put my fist through the wall!

Chandler: You put your fist through the wall?

Ross: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard!

Monica: You have to go to London!

Ross: What?

Monica: Yeah, you have to go fight for her!

Joey: Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. ‘Cause you already told her you love her and she didn’t say it back, then she called you and told you that there’s another guy, so yeah, go to London that’ll scare her!

Monica: When Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do?

Ross: I made fun of his accent.

Monica: You sat back and let him have her, you didn’t fight at all. Am I right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily?

Ross: No.

Monica: All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be you and Emily! (Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London!

Ross: Really?

Monica: Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don’t let her go without a fight!

Ross: All right. All right, I’m gonna do it!

Monica: All right.

Ross: I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to London and I’m going to fight for her.

Monica: Okay, good luck!

(Ross starts to leave.)

Joey: Ross! Ross! If you’re going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? (Chandler nods his head no.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are sitting and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I’m gonna open up my own massage place and Frank’s gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn’t have to quit school!

Monica: That’s sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?

Rachel: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised…

Phoebe: I’m telling it! I’m telling it!

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I’ve got?

Chandler: A place where no one will ever get out alive?

Phoebe: No! Think about it, it’s a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it’s…

Rachel: (interrupting) Relaxi-Taxi!

Phoebe: The name was my favourite part!

Rachel: Well, well I can up with it!

Phoebe: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That’s not good.

Rachel: Well, I…

(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hello.

Ross: (on phone) Hey.

Monica: Oh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised?

[Cut to Ross in one of those British phone booths.]

Ross: No, because she hasn’t come home yet. And she hasn’t been home all night! She’s obviously staying with that other guy, and I’m the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment!

Monica: All right. When is, when is the next flight out?

Ross: About four hours.

Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn’t show up by then, then just come on home.

Phoebe: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that’s better than Relaxi Cab.

Rachel: Okay, it’s not Relaxi Cab. It’s Relaxicab, like taxicab.

Phoebe: Oh, that is better.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. There is a knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.]

Chandler: Are we in London?

Monica: What are you doing here? You can’t be here!

Emily: I’ve uh, I’ve come to talk to Ross.

(She sets her bag down on the foosball table and Joey sees the Toblerone bar sticking out of it and gazes longingly at it.)

Emily: What?

Joey: (pause) Nothing. No, nothing.

Emily: I was going to call him, but…

Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I was right! (Points to Emily) I’m right, right?

Emily: I’d really rather talk to him.

Monica: Oh.

Emily: I uh, I’ve been to his apartment and he wasn’t there, and uh. I need to talk to him, so do you have any idea where he is?

[Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emily’s apartment. We hear Emily’s phone ring with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing phone and in the meantime Emily’s answering machine picks up and once again with amazing clarity we hear Emily say…]

Emily: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don’t know if you can hear this but… (Ross has moved to the window, apparently so that he can hear better.) I’m gonna talk anyway, uh, I’m in the States with you sister and your friends and it’s all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you—Yes, Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you.

Ross: (yelling, thinking Emily can hear him through the answering machine all the way to New York.) I love you too! I’m, I’m gonna call you right now from the phone booth! (Realises) You can’t hear me. (Goes to make his call.)

Emily: I wish I could know if you’d heard any of that. I suppose I’ve either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if you’re listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there’s not much chance you did heard that, and there’s the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.

Ross: Hi.

Emily: Ross, I love you!

Ross: Ohh! Thank you.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn’t ask me to go do it with her in the vault.

Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!

Chandler: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"

Joey: Noo! Nothing!

Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn.

Joey: I think you’re right.

(Goes over and picks up the remote.)

Chandler: All right, ready?

Joey: One.

Chandler: Two.

Both: Three.

(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)

Joey: That’s kinda nice.

Chandler: Yeah, that’s kinda a relief.

Joey: Yeah.

(Pause.)

Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?

Joey: Yeah.

(Chandler turns on the TV and…)

Chandler: FREE PORN!!!

Joey: Yeah!!

Chandler: We have free porn here!!!

End

The One With Rachel’s New Dress

Teleplay by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin

Story by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters carrying a drum.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum.

Phoebe: (not amused) Ha-ha. (She sits down on the couch.) No, it’s just I’m so pregnant that I—my guitar doesn’t fit anymore. So I thought ‘til I’m not, I’m just gonna play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really cool!

Chandler: All right.

Phoebe: Listen. Listen. (She starts to play and sing.) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

Joey: Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great!

Phoebe: I know! I know, and I’ve only been playing for like an hour!

Alice: (entering) Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi!

Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing here?

Alice: Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favour.

Phoebe: Oh, well, don’t tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus.

Alice: (laughs) No. No. No. (Sits down.) Okay, now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR.

Chandler: Wouldn’t that be Frank the III?

Alice: Don’t get me started. (To Phoebe) Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named the other boy baby.

Phoebe: Wow! That’s so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar.

Alice: You think about it. (Leaves)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, he and Emily are getting ready to go to the airport.]

Emily: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don’t think your son will think it’s yours and be horribly traumatised?

Ross: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra.

Emily: (checks the clock) Ohh, it’s time to go.

Ross: Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock’s a little fast, uh, we have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice?

Emily: Well that’s ambitious.

(They kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the door.)

Ross: Hey, uh, you can ignore that.

Emily: That’s Carol with your son!

Ross: Uhh, believe me when he’s older, he’ll understand.

Carol: (knocking on the door) Ross!

Ross: I’ll be right there. (He goes over and opens the door to Carol, Susan, and Ben.) (To Ben.) Hello! (To Carol.) Hello! (To Susan.) Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan.

Susan: Hey, it’s so nice to finally meet you!

Emily: Me too!

Carol: Ohh, y’know, Susan’s gonna be shooting a commercial in London next week.

Susan: Oh yeah, I’m so excited, I’ve never been there.

Emily: Oh, well, I’ll show you around.

Susan: That would be great! Also, uh, I was hoping to catch a show so if you can make any suggestions…

Emily: Oh, there’s tonnes of terrific stuff—I’ll go with you!

Susan: Ahh!

(Ross accidentally, on purpose, bumps into Susan.)

Ross: Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so…

Emily: Are you all right?

Susan: Oh, he’s fine. He’s fine. It’s just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesn’t like me.

Ross: Oh come on! That’s-that’s… true.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hi!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet?

Phoebe: Ugh! No! This is so hard! I went through this whole book (Holds up a book) and found nothing! I want a name that’s really like, y’know strong and confident, y’know? Like-like Exxon.

Chandler: Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid.

Joey: Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name? How about, The Hulk?

Phoebe: No, I’m-I’m not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with "The."

Joey: Oh, want a good name, go with Joey. Joey’s your pal. Joey’s your buddy. "Where is everybody?" "Well, they’re hanging out with Joey."

Chandler: Hey, y’know what, if you’re gonna do that, if you’re gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesn’t think so.) Oh, come on! Chandler’s funny, sophisticated, and he’s very loveable, once you get to know him.

Joey: Oh well, hey, Joey’s loveable too! But the thing about Joey is, if you need him, he’ll be there.

Chandler: Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he’ll be there. And he’ll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you’re really hot.

Joey: What do ya say? What do ya say?

Phoebe: Well, I, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love, and Joey and Chandler are great names. (They both stare at her.) But, all right, I don’t—maybe I’ll just name him The Hulk.

Joey: I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it! That’s what I wanted to name my kid!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking and Rachel is getting ready for a date with Joshua.]

Rachel: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua the first time tonight, which one of these would you want to be wearing. (She’s holding two frilly, lace nighties.)

Monica: Y’know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people’s sex clothes.

Rachel: Sorry. I’m so exited! I’ve been waiting for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! I’m making him a very fancy meal.

Monica: Um-hmm.

Rachel: What am I making him by the way?

Monica: Well, you’re making him a frieze salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup.

Rachel: I thought I was making him filet mignon?

Monica: Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left over at the restaurant. And then you realised if you (Points at Rachel) bitched about it, then you (Points to herself) would stop cooking, and you (Points at Rachel) would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.

Rachel: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: So uh, Emily called last night…

Chandler: And now you’re giving me the message!

Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, they’re going to the theatre together! They’re going to dinner! They’re going horseback riding!

Phoebe: God, Susan is so fun!

Ross: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay? For like, for like six months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was: "My friend Susan is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great."

Chandler: You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan?

Ross: Hey, they’re going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! Y’know they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playful—didn’t you see Personal Best?

Joey: No, but I’m gonna!

Chandler: Hi! Hi! You’re crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight.

Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her!

Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely. I don’t like the name Ross.

Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I’m down.

Phoebe: No! No! I-I meant for the baby!

Ross: Oh. What’s wrong with Ross?

Phoebe: Well, it’s just y’know that something like this would never to like The Hulk, y’know…

Ross: Actually that-that’s not true, in The Incredible Hulk uh, No. 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found… (Sees everyone staring at him and stops.) Y’know, ugh, nevermind, my girlfriend’s a lesbian. (Leaves.)

Phoebe: So, I decided I’m definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler.

Joey: Oh! Oh-oh, you gotta pick Joey! I mean, name one famous person named Chandler.

Chandler: Raymond Chandler.

Joey: Someone you didn’t make up!

Chandler: Okay, there are no famous Joey’s. Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco.

Joey: Yeah, that guy really hurt us.

Phoebe: Well, how about a compromise then, okay? What if it’s like y’know, Chanoey?

Chandler: Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he’ll never be President. There’s never gonna be a President Joey.

Joey: All right look man, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It’s not even a name; it’s barely even a word. Okay? It’s kinda like chandelier, but it’s not! All right? It’s a stupid, stupid non-name!

Chandler: Wow, you’re, you’re right. I have a horrible, horrible name.

Joey: I’m sorry man, I didn’t—I’m-I’m sorry. I’m sorry. (Goes over and comforts him.)

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: So I guess it’s Joey then!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on her dinner date with Joshua.]

Joshua: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this.

Rachel: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. (They kiss.) Ahh. So, dig in!

Joshua: Great! Oh, it all looks sooo good!

Rachel: (taking a bite) Hmmm!

Joshua: Oh my God!

Rachel: Oh I know, my God, this is so—this rice is so—I am so good.

Joshua: Behind you?

Rachel: (sees the chick and the duck) Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. They used to live here; sometimes they migrate back over.

Joshua: (getting up and backing away from they.) Is there ah, is there some way they can not be here. It’s just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out!

Rachel: Yeah, sure, okay. Okay.

(Rachel gets up and ushers them into the hall, as they pass Joshua, he leaps onto the counter to avoid them. Rachel drops them off in the hall, and knocks on Joey’s door.)

Joey: (answering the door.) Hey, how did you do that?! Come on in. (He brings them inside.)

[Cut back to Rachel’s date.]

Rachel: All gone! So, farm birds, huh?

Joshua: Yeah, it’s-it’s my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I would’ve told you about it, but I didn’t know they would be here.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: So, all right.

(They both sit back down.)

Rachel: Okay. So, can I serve you a little of—What? What? What? (She sees that Joshua isn’t relaxed.)

Joshua: Nothing I uh, it’s just that I know that they’re still out there.

Rachel: But, they’re across the hall! I mean that’s two doors away, it would take them a long time to peck their way back over here.

Joshua: Okay, that’s-that’s not funny. Uhh.

Rachel: Okay, y’know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and y’know go to your apartment.

Joshua: Oh, they’re working on this week, it’s a total mess. But uh, I’m staying at my parents’ house, we could go there.

Rachel: Your parents’?

Joshua: Yeah, they’re out of town.

Rachel: Ohh.

Joshua: Yeah-yeah, it’s this huge place, and-and it’s got this gorgeous view of the park, and very, very romantic. What do you say?

Rachel: Yeah that works.

(He moves to kiss her, but stops when he hears the duck.)

Joshua: They-they-they can smell fear.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Carol has come to pick up Ben.]

Ross: (opening the door.) Hey!

Carol: Hey! How’s Ben?

Ross: Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, "No." I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said, "No." I asked him what he wanted to do, he said, "No." So, he’s sweeping. (We see Ben playing with a broom and a dustpan.)

Carol: Hey, Ben! Hey!

Ross: So umm, any word from Susan?

Carol: Ooh, yeah! She said she’s having sooo much fun with Emily.

Ross: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to you that, I don’t know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun?

Carol: What’s too much fun?

Ross: Y’know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married.

Carol: Oh my God, you are so paranoid!

Ross: Am I?!

Carol: Yes!

Ross: Am I?!

Carol: I can’t speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.

Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Y’know? Say-say they’re coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they’re laughing, y’know, someone innocently touches someone else… There’s electricity, it’s new. It’s exciting. Are you telling me there isn’t even the slightest possibility of something happening?

Carol: Maybe.

Ross: OH MY GOD!! I didn’t really believe it until you just said it!!

[Scene: Joshua’s parents’ apartment, Rachel and Joshua are entering.]

Joshua: …and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me!

Rachel: Wow! This place is fabulous!

Joshua: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living room.

Rachel: Whoa-whoa, there’s two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place must’ve been a real babe magnet.

Joshua: Yeah, well, it would’ve been, but uh, my parents just moved here.

Rachel: Ohh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out?

(They kiss.)

Joshua: Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t uh, I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later?

Rachel: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I can go freshen up?

Joshua: Oh yeah, yeah uh, it’s down the hall and uh, second door to your left.

Rachel: Ah.

(She goes down the hall. Joshua goes to put the food away when his parents walk in.)

Mrs. Burgin: Oh, hi, darling!

Joshua: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here?

Mrs. Burgin: Oh, well we cut the trip short.

Mr. Burgin: France sucks!

Joshua: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I got a date here.

Mrs. Burgin: Oh, say no more!

Mr. Burgin: We’ll just grab some food and take it with us right upstairs, and we’ll be right out of you hair.

Joshua: Oh, that-that would be great. So you didn’t even get to Italy?

Mr. Burgin: Yep, sucks!

(They all go into the kitchen. Just then, Rachel comes back from the bathroom; she had removed her dress and is wearing nothing but a lace nightie. She tries to find someplace seductive to wait for Joshua. She tries to sit on the piano, but it makes too much noise. So she goes over to the couch and kinda half lays down to wait for Joshua. Joshua comes in from the kitchen, sees Rachel, and freezes.)

Rachel: Hi you!

Joshua: Oh my God!

Rachel: I know, I can do more than cook.

(Just then, his parents enter. Rachel gasps.)

Mr. Burgin: I like her. She sees smart.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joshua’s parents’ apartment, continued from earlier.]

Joshua: Uhh, Rachel, my parents…

Rachel: Ohh! It’s so nice to meet you. (She goes over and shakes their hands.) Hello.

Mr. Burgin: Hi.

Rachel: Hello.

Mrs. Burgin: Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries.

Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is not—that’s-that’s not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. It’s-it’s, they’re-they’re wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale’s, so… And obviously in uh, in-in this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am going to report back, "USA not ready."

Mrs. Burgin: Maybe in L.A?

Rachel: Yes!

Joshua: There you go.

Mr. Burgin: So, have you kids eaten yet?

Rachel: Well, we were going to do that after—I mean umm, next.

Mr. Burgin: Well, we’re starving, why don’t we all go get something to eat?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, well… Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lyin’ around the house.

Mr. Burgin: So… We go eat.

Rachel: Yes.

Mr. Burgin: You’ll wear that. We’ll be eating, and of course, you’ll be wearing that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is looking for a new name in Phoebe’s book of names.]

Joey: Dude, I am sorry about what I said!

Chandler: No, no, you’re right, it is a ridiculous name!

Joey: It’s not that bad.

Chandler: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name.

Joey: So, you’re just Bing?

Chandler: I have no name.

Phoebe: All right, so, what are we supposed to call you?

Chandler: Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint.

Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull of Clint.

Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?

Phoebe: Umm, Gene.

Chandler: It’s Clint. It’s Clint! (He heads for his bedroom.)

Joey: See you later, Gene.

Phoebe: Bye, Gene.

Chandler: It’s Clint! Clint!

Joey: What’s up with Gene?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe and Monica of her date.]

Monica: So, you wore your nightie to dinner?

Rachel: Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out.

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: Oh, no!

Rachel: No, it’s all right. I got nice boobs. (Phoebe and Monica nod there heads in agreement.)

Ross: (returning from the phone.) So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan are going to a poetry reading together!

Rachel: So?

Ross: So! Poetry? Susan’s gay! They’re being gay together!

Monica: Emily’s straight.

Ross: Oh, wake up!

Phoebe: Wow, Carol really messed you up!

Ross: Excuse me?

Phoebe: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. (They all look at her.) All right, so I don’t know what sycophant means, but the rest is right.

Ross: Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am not a crazy, jealous person.

Rachel: Huh.

Ross: What?

Rachel: She’s totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark and there was nothing going on.

Monica: This totally makes sense!

Ross: It does not!

Monica: Oh, sure it does! In high school, you weren’t jealous at all even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you!

Phoebe: All right, all right, so up until ‘92-93 he was very trusting, then ’94 hit, Carol left him and bamn! Paranoid city!

Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely!

Monica: This is so much fun!

Ross: This is not fun!

Monica: Look, all we’re trying to say is, don’t let what happened with Carol ruin what you got with Emily.

Phoebe: Yeah. The ’92 Ross wouldn’t.

Ross: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing.

Rachel: What—yeah—what, y’know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is showing off more of her drum skills to Joey by rubbing one of the sticks back and forth across the drum.]

Phoebe: Drum roll.

Chandler: (entering) Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John?

Joey: Nah, you’re not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good Barney.

Chandler: All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse.

Phoebe: You’re actually going through with this?

Chandler: Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, it’s probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women… So, as of 4 o’clock tomorrow, I’m either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson.

Phoebe: You got problems because of you! Not your name! All right, this has got to stop! Chandler is a great name! In fact—yes, (To Joey) I’m, I’m sorry. I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but eh, so, I’m-I’m, I’m gonna, I’m gonna name the baby Chandler.

Chandler: (pleased) Really?!

Phoebe: Yeah, but you have to keep the name too!

Chandler: Okay. Thanks.

Phoebe: Okay!

Chandler: You wanna hug it out?

Phoebe: Yeah!

(They both hug.)

Phoebe: Yay!

Chandler: Yay!

Phoebe: Yay—oh—yay! Okay, I gotta go tell Frank and Alice! Right now!

Chandler: Okay!

Phoebe: Ooh, uh… (She grabs her coat and runs out.)

Chandler: Bye, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Okay, bye!

(She exits, and after the door is closed, Chandler turns to Joey and…)

Chandler: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Joey: Ohh! (Realises it was all a trick to get Phoebe to name the baby Chandler.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go.]

Ross: Nice luggage.

Carol: I was gonna say…

(Susan and Emily get off.)

Susan: Hey!

(They both run and hug they’re respective partners.)

Ross: Hi!

Emily: Hey! I missed you.

Ross: Oh, I missed you too.

Susan: (To Emily) Thanks for everything, I had such a great time.

Emily: Oh, so did I.

(They hug and give each other a little peck on the cheek.)

Ross: (To Carol) No tongue. (And gives her the thumbs up.)

End

The One With All The Haste

Written by: Wil Calhoun & Scott Silveri

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom; Rachel is awoken by a man singing in the next apartment.]

The Singing Man: (singing, duh) Morning’s here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here! The morning’s here!

Rachel: HEY!! Do you have to do that? It’s Saturday!

The Singing Man: Oh come on! Morning’s here! (Starts singing) Morning’s here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here!

(Rachel slams shut her window and storms into the living room, where Joey and Monica are eating breakfast.)

Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy!

Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts singing) Morning’s here! Morning is here—

Rachel: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small.

Monica: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did.

Rachel: Monica, you don’t even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor!

Monica: Y’know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live!

Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Monica: Okay.

Joey: See, this is a great apartment.

Monica: Shut up! This place is a hole!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross’s bedroom; Ross and Emily are making out. Ross as a new feature.]

Emily: Oh, blimey, I still can’t believe you’ve got an earring!

(Yep, it’s a little gold loop.)

Ross: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? (Shakes his head around, pretending like he’s jamming.)

Emily: He does that?!

Ross: Uh, I don’t know, whatever.

Emily: I think it makes you look really dangerous.

Ross: Oh, I know. Y’know what, I never would’ve gotten this if it weren’t for you. No really, when I’m with you I’m-I’m like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy!

Emily: I love both of you!

Ross: Yeah?

(They kiss.)

Emily: I wish I didn’t have to go.

Ross: Then don’t. Stay here. Just don’t go so soon to London, just one more day.

Emily: Ohh, Ross, please!

Ross: One more day, seriously/

Emily: Don’t do this to me, again. You’d know I’d stay here in a minute, but I’d really miss so much work, they’ll fire me.

Ross: So, then you can stay as long as you want.

Emily: I wish I could.

Ross: Oh no. Don’t, don’t, don’t start packing. Come on! (She puts some clothes into her bag, and Ross throws them out.)

Emily: I don’t think you understand packing. Look, I just don’t want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here.

Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on.

Emily: You didn’t!

Ross: No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to be that guy.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are watching one of those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves.]

Phoebe: (entering, wearing Santa pants) Hello!

Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho!

Phoebe: Excuse me.

Chandler: Your pants!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah! You like ‘em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable!

Joey: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants.

Phoebe: What?

Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesn’t get it.) Santa Claus’s pants.

Phoebe: Nuh-uh! They’re maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. (Pulls out a sheet of paper which lists who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.) See, these names are good, and these names are bad. (Finally, she figures it out.) Ohh.

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: So—Hey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves?

Phoebe: I don’t know! How are the-the-the-the, y’know—You’re clothes aren’t funny.

Monica: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game?

Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I don’t belong here."

Joey: You have Knicks tickets?

Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dad’s season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me.

Monica: Yeah, apparently, they’re pretty good seats.

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: (examining the tickets) Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor!

Rachel: Do you guys want these?

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Yeah we do!

Rachel: Ohh, well you got ‘em.

Both: All right!

Rachel: Just give us our apartment back!

Phoebe: Boy! I didn’t see that coming!

Chandler: Are you serious?

Rachel: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth.

Monica: Yeah, what, do you think we’re stupid?

Joey: You’re not stupid. You’re meaner than I thought.

Monica: What do you say?

Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats!

Rachel: You’re bachelor pad?!

Monica: Have you even had a girl up here?

Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time.

Joey: Yeah, you do!

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is whining to Chandler about the tickets.]

Joey: Come on!

Chandler: (ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please?

Gunther: Good one.

Joey: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means?

Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up the apartment.

Joey: Oh come—look, when I was a kid my dad’s company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of course, he wasn’t in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that!

Ross: (entering) Hey, guys! (They both notice his new little friend)

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Oh my God!

Joey: We don’t make enough fun of you already?

Ross: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it.

Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up?

Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and that’s what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing?

Joey: Oh-no, don’t try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear.

Chandler: Where is Emily?

Ross: Ugh, she’s saying good-bye to her uncle.

Chandler: Man, didn’t she like just get here?

Ross: Yeah!! Yeah!

Chandler: Easy tiger.

Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, it’s-it’s so great. But at the same time I’m thinking, "Well, I’m gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off."

Chandler: So what are you going to do?

Ross: Nothing! There’s nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-she’d have to uh, move here. She should move here!

Joey: What?

Ross: I could ask her to live with me!

Chandler: Are you serious?

Ross: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?!

Chandler: Because you’ve only known her for six weeks! Okay, I’ve got a carton of milk in my fridge I’ve had a longer relationship with!

Ross: Look guys, when I’m with her it’s-it’s-it’s like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, y’know?

Chandler: And I love the milk! But, I’m not gonna some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now.

Joey: All right look, Ross, he’s right. Emily’s great, she’s great! But this way too soon, you’re only gonna scare her!

Ross: I don’t want to do that.

Joey: No! You don’t want to wreck it, you don’t want to go to fast!

Ross: Yeah, no, you’re right, I know, you’re right, I’m not, I’m not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. (Gets up to leave.)

Chandler: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same day. Joey and Chandler are eating pizza, and Phoebe is trying to knit something.]

Phoebe: That’s too hard. Too hard!

Monica: (entering with Rachel) All right boys, last chance for the tickets!

Rachel: Or I’ll give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua.

Chandler: No thank you.

Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come on! Come on, let’s trade! The timing’s perfect, I just clogged the toilet!

Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can’t leave in the small apartment after we’ve lived here! Didn’t you ever read Flowers for Algernon?

Joey: Yes! Didn’t you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didn’t read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight!

Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.

Joey: It’s the Knicks!

Chandler: Screw the Knicks!

Joey: Whoa!

Chandler: I didn’t mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.

Joey: Huh.

Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.

Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all!

Phoebe: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it?

Chandler: No. No. We’re not gonna do that, y’know why? Because its not an even trade.

Rachel: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets?

Joey: Done!

Rachel: Let me finish.

Joey: Oh.

Rachel: I’m talking about a bet, winner takes all.

Joey: Ooh, we could end up with nothing.

Phoebe: Or you could end up with everything.

Joey: Ooh, I like that.

Monica: All right, so what do you say?

Chandler: No!

Monica: Oh, just do it!!

Chandler: Op, op, I’m convinced!

Joey: Come on man, you know I’d do it for you! Because, you’re my best friend.

Chandler: All right, but you can’t use that again for a whole year. I’m in.

Joey: All right!

Phoebe: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet?

Rachel: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she’s the only who’s impartial, and she’s so pretty.

Phoebe: Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh—oh, I have a game!

Joey: Okay!

Chandler: Okay!

Phoebe: This is great!

Joey: What’s the game?! What’s the game?!

Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesn’t have a name—oh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesn’t have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees?

Monica: They’re green?

Phoebe: Good! Good! Five points!

(They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.)

Phoebe: All right, Joey, same question.

(He looks to Chandler, who doesn’t have a clue.)

Joey: Uhh, they’re tall.

Phoebe: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy.

(Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didn’t come up with the answer.)

Monica: That’s not even a game!

Rachel: What? Shut up! We’re winning!

Monica: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say?

Chandler: Fine, let’s do it.

Phoebe: Oh, I have cards!

Joey: Oh.

Monica: Oh, good.

Phoebe: Yeah! Here! (She grabs a deck out of her purse) Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay.

Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Okay. (She picks a card.) Four.

Chandler: That’s a low one!

Joey: Yeah! Okay. (Joey picks a card.) Phoebe, you look, I can’t.

Phoebe: What make you think I can?! (Shields her eyes from it.)

Joey: Okay. Okay. (He looks at the card.) Ace!

(Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel jump up and down for joy.)

Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging?

Monica: Because we won our apartment back!

Joey: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace!

Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four!

(They all look to Phoebe to settle this.)

Phoebe: I don’t know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She fans out the trick deck.) Ah-ha!

Rachel: All right, cut, let’s pick again, pick again.

Joey: Okay.

Rachel: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! (Picks a card.) Oh! I know queen is high!

Joey: Uh-huh, not as high as…(picks a card) It worked! King!

Chandler: Yeah baby!

Monica: But, we pick again! We pick again!

Joey: Why?!

Monica: I don’t know!

Chandler: Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) That’s courtside baby!

Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them, but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back!

Chandler: No they didn’t!

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Emily has packed as Ross returns.]

Ross: Hey!

Emily: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow.

Ross: (laughs) Move in with me.

Emily: What?!

Ross: Don’t be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say it’s too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be.

Emily: Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there.

Ross: I know.

Emily: My job!

Ross: Well, so, you-you’ll get a job here! I mean, I’m always hearing about uh, them foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you!

Emily: Yeah, but it-it-it’s my whole life—you come to England.

Ross: No, I can’t. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I can’t leave him. Isn’t—you don’t think there’s any way?

Emily: Ohh, I don’t think so. I mean it would be different if it was way into the future –and-and-and we were getting married or something.

Ross: What?

Emily: Oh no, no, right I shouldn’t have said married. Uh, please don’t go freaky on me. I didn’t mean it. Well, I didn’t say it; I take it back!

Ross: No, no, don’t. Why don’t we?

Emily: Why don’t we what?

Ross: Get married.

Emily: You are mad!

Ross: No! No! I’m not! It’s-it’s-it’s perfect! I mean it’s better than you just-just moving here, ‘cause it’s us together forever, and that’s-that’s what I want.

Emily: We’ve only known each other for six weeks!

Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, who’s-who’s to say? Does that me we-we can’t do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesn’t it?

Emily: My parents are going to be really mad.

Ross: Is that—are you saying yes? Is that yes?

Emily: Yes.

(They kiss and hug.)

Emily: Yes!

Ross: Yes! We’re getting married?!

Emily: Oh my God!

Ross: Yes!

Emily: We’re getting married!

Ross: Come here, come here. Uh, (He takes the earring out.) ow! Emily, will you marry me?

Emily: Yes.

(He tries to put it on her finger.)

Emily: Ohh, it’s a bit small.

Ross: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell!

Emily: It was.

(They kiss.)

Commerical Break

[Scene: The hallway, Joey and Chandler are coming back from the game.]

Chandler: Those were like the best seats ever.

Joey: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Y’know, kinda like a peace offering.

Chandler: Oh yeah, that’s very nice. Plus, y’know they were free and they’re too small.

(He knocks on the girls’ door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesn’t even realise it.)

Chandler: Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head cut off.)

Joey: Hey, want a beer? (Hands him a beer and sits down in one of the chairs.) (Jumping up.) WHOA!!!!

Chandler: I KNOW!!!

(They both sprint to what used to be their apartment.)

Chandler: Open up! Open up! Open up!

(A very angry Monica opens the door with the security chain still on.)

Monica: We’ll discuss it, in the morning! (Slams the door shut.)

Chandler: What the hell is going on?!

(It’s Rachel’s turn to open the door.)

Rachel: We took our apartment back!! (Slams the door shut.)

Phoebe: (opening the door) I had nothing to do with it. (Closes the door.) (Opens the door.) Okay, it was my idea, but I don’t feel good about it.

(She goes to close the door, but Chandler puts his foot it in.)

Chandler: We are switching back, right now!

Monica: No, we’re not! We’re not leaving!

Chandler: Well, you’re gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we’re switching it back! There’s nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?

Joey: I don’t know.

Chandler: What?

Joey: I don’t want to move again!

Chandler: I don’t care, this is our apartment! And they stole—you stole it—our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I’m getting back right now!

(They open the door.)

Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can’t offer anything to us!

Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and…

Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.

[Time lapse. The guys are entering their apartment.]

Chandler: Totally worth it!

Joey: That was one good minute!

Chandler: Good night.

Joey: Good night.

(They both go back into their old rooms and shut the doors. Of course, Chandler has to close both sections of his door.)

[Cut to the girls apartment.]

Monica: Men are such idiots.

Rachel: Yeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back?

Phoebe: That’s so funny to think if you’d just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all.

Monica: Yeah, let-let-let’s pretend that’s not true.

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, scarf’s done. (It’s not really a scarf, it’s just a bunch of yarn that Phoebe has tied together. Just then, Ross and Emily enter dragging with them Joey and Chandler.)

Ross: Come on! Come on. Come on.

Chandler: Okay!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Monica: What-what’s going on?

Joey: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone.

Ross: Uhh, okay, it’s uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married.

(The gang is stunned.)

Phoebe: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?!

Emily: Umm, no.

Monica: When, when did—how, how did you…

Ross: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it.

Emily: I mean, we know it’s a bit hasty but, uh, it just feels so right, so…

(Rachel slowly walks in from her bedroom. She is stunned speechless.)

Ross: (turning around.) Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys…

Rachel: Yeah, I-I heard. (Pause, everyone looks at each other, waiting for Rachel’s reaction.) I think it’s great! (Hugs Ross.) Ohh, I’m so happy for you!

(Seeing Rachel’s apparently okay with this, the rest of the gang jumps up to congratulate Ross and Emily on their pending nuptials.)

Chandler: Oh, well, that’s great!

Joey: Yeah! Yeah!

Monica: (to Ross) I can’t believe you’re getting married!

Ross: Yeah. (They hug again.)

Joey: Monica and Rachel made out. (Giggles like a schoolboy and Monica glares at him.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, he is awoken by the singing guy.]

The Singing Man: (singing) Morning’s here! The morning’s here!

(Joey joins him.)

Both: Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here!

The Singing Man: Hey! You’re back!

Joey: Hey! (Singing) Get into gear!

The Singing Man: (singing) Breakfast is near!

Both: The dark of night has disappeared!!

The Singing Man: I’ll see you tomorrow morning!

Joey: (happily) Okay!

End

The One With All the Wedding Dresses

Story by: Adam Chase

Teleplay by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, he is asleep and snoring loudly. Chandler enters wondering who left their engine running.]

Chandler: Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!!

Joey: (joining in, in his sleep) Joey. Joey. Joey. Joey! Joey!!

(Chandler acts disgusted, but is happy that Joey has stopped snoring. However, just as he is about to leave, Joey starts snoring again. So to get him to stop, he slams the door shut, waking Joey.)

Chandler: Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting another cup of coffee.]

Chandler: Gunther, can I get another cup of coffee, please? (Gunther starts to pour him another cup.) So uh, what do you do when you’re not working here?

Gunther: You don’t need to fill these silences.

Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.)

Monica: Chandler, that’s like your fourth cup of coffee!

Chandler: Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because I’m exhausted! Because Joey started snoring!

Monica: He’s in a different room! He’s really that loud?

Joey: (proudly) Oh, you should here me.

Chandler: It’s not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic!

Joey: Look, I told ya, I’m not going to any clinic! I don’t have a problem, you’re the one with the problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby and leave me alone" clinic!

Chandler: They don’t have those.

Joey: Yeah, they do! Quit being a baby and leave me alone! There, you’ve just had your first class!

Monica: Y’know I used to go out with this guy that was a really light sleeper, and whenever I started to snore, he would just roll me over…

Joey: Ohhh, yeah!

Monica: He would just roll me over and I would stop snoring.

Chandler: Next time you snore, I’m rolling ya over!

Joey: I gotta do what I gotta do, you gotta do what you gotta do, you just do it.

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey, all right!

Phoebe: Hey!

(Joey starts humming Here Come the Bride.)

Phoebe: Oh, the Olympics.

Monica: Have you guys picked a date yet?

Ross: Oh no, not yet.

Phoebe: I still cannot believe you’re engaged! (Ross looks at her) Just ‘cause its happening so fast; not ‘cause you’re such a loser.

Ross: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach?

Monica: Ugh, she’s upstairs not doing the dishes! And I tell ya something! I’m not doing them this time! I don’t care if those dishes sit in the sink until they’re all covered with—I’ll do them when I get home!

Ross: Yeah—oh! Hey listen umm, Emily found this wedding dress in London…

Phoebe: Already?!

Ross: Yeah, but it didn’t fit. Well, luckily there’s a store here that has one left in her size, but I’m the groom, I’m not supposed to see the dress…

Monica: I’ll pick it up for you!

Ross: Thank you.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Oh, she’s got you running errands, y’know, picking up wedding dresses… (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah!

Ross: What’s wah-pah?

Chandler: Y’know, whipped! Wah-pah!

Joey: That’s not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh!

Chandler: That’s what I did. Wah-pah!

Joey: You can’t do anything!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is not doing the dishes. She hears someone coming up the stairs and quickly puts down her magazine and pretends like she’s actually doing the dishes.]

Rachel: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Oh! It’s you. (She stops doing the dishes.) Hi.

Ross: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so…

Ross: So listen uh, I know you and I haven’t really had a chance to talk since uh, Emily and I decided to get married, and uh, I was just wondering how you were.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: I know if you were getting married I’d feel, kinda….. y’know.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, well it definitely took me by surprise, but I’m okay.

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: All right, I just wanted to check.

Rachel: Oh, that’s sweet.

(He goes over to hug her.)

Ross: You’re great. And I-I know someday this will happen for you too. You just hang in there.

Rachel: (breaking the hug) Uhh, hang in there?

Ross: Oh, no, I didn’t mean, uh…

Rachel: I mean maybe you didn’t hear about a serious relationship called me and Joshua?

Ross: Oh, I thought you guys had just been on like four dates, I didn’t realise that had become anything, yet.

Rachel: Oh, no-no-no, no-no-no, it has become, it has—yeah. Oh no, those were four great dates.

Ross: Oh. Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the connection, I mean y’know, emotionally, mentally, physically…

Ross: Wow, that’s-that’s-that’s incredible.

Rachel: I know isn’t it? It’s like I’m right there with Joshua.

Ross: Uh-huh.

Rachel: You are right there with Emily. And it’s y’know, it’s kinda like…. it’s a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes.

Ross: I gotta get to work.

Rachel: Oh yeah? Fine.

Ross: Hey, y’know, y’know what would make me really happy?

Rachel: Oh yeah, no, what’s that?

Ross: If like the four of us could all y’know, hang out together. Uh, in fact Emily’s coming into town this weekend, why don’t you say we all have dinner? Say, Sunday night?

Rachel: That would be great!

Ross: Yeah, all right, it’s a date. (He leaves)

Rachel: (to the closed door) Hang in there. You hang in there. (Gives him the raspberry.)

Ross: (coming back in) Did you say something?

Rachel: No, just singing. (Does a little song.)

[Scene: Beatrice Bridal Shop, Monica and Phoebe are there to pick up Emily’s dress.]

Monica: Oh my God! Ohh! Look at this one! It’s so beautiful!

Phoebe: Yeah, but y’know, about have of these are gonna end up getting divorced.

The Saleslady: May I help you ladies?

Monica: Oh, yes, umm, I’m here to pick up a dress that you have on hold.

The Saleslady: Yes, what’s the name, please?

Monica: Emily Waltham.

The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. (Phoebe and Monica both gasp at the dress.) Would you like to try it on Ms. Waltham?

Monica: (laughs) Okay.

[Time lapse. Monica is wearing the dress and starring at herself in the mirror.]

Phoebe: You’re the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen.

Monica: I am, aren’t I?

The Saleslady: Ms. Waltham?

Monica: Yes?

The Saleslady: We’re closing.

Monica: All right. (Goes to take off the dress.)

The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back?

(She disgustedly takes the ring off and gives it back.)

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, he’s snoring again and Chandler is there to roll him over.]

Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! You’re going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing the dishes.]

Monica: Does she use the cups? Yes! I believe she does. Does she use the plates? Yes! I believe she does. (Looks at the wedding dress and stops.)

[Time lapse, Monica is now wearing the dress while doing the dishes and is making like she is thanking her guests for coming to her wedding. Paging Dr. Crane. Dr. Fraiser Crane!]

Monica: Oh. Thank you. Ohhh, thank you very much. Oh, thank you for coming. (There’s a knock on the door.) Uh, just a second!

Phoebe: No-no, let me in!

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Can you just hold on for one minute?

Phoebe: No, you have to let me in right now!!

Monica: Are you alone?

Phoebe: Yes!

Monica: All right.

(She goes over and lets Phoebe bounce in wearing her own wedding dress.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is complaining about going to the clinic.]

Joey: This sucks! I didn’t know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic! I’m so tired!

Chandler: It’s 6:00.

Joey: Yeah, well…

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Chandler: Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I think that’s, I think that’s really cool.

Joey: Yeah, Rach, I think you’re handling that really well.

Rachel: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? There’s nothing to handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasn’t for me and Joshua. Y’know, they’re not gonna get married anyway!

Chandler: What?

Rachel: Come on! They rushed into this thing so fast it’s ridiculous! I mean, they’re gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what they’ve done and they’re call the whole thing off. I’m telling ya, you’re gonna be dancing at my wedding before you’re dancing at there’s.

Chandler: Yeah, well, I don’t dance at weddings.

Rachel: Why not?

Chandler: Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I look like this… (Starts to dancing really, really, really badly. Ross enters behind him and he stops.)

Ross: Hey man.

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: So, what are you guys doing four weeks from today?

Chandler: Nothing.

Rachel: Nothing.

Joey: I am… (Looks in his date book.) free!

Ross: Great! Because Emily and I are getting married in a month!

Joey and Chandler: What?!

Ross: Yep!

Rachel: In a month?

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: You mean, you mean 30 days?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: From now?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Well, that’s great.

Ross: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but it’s going to be torn down, so… I mean, I-I know it’s crazy, but everything up ‘til now has been so crazy, and I don’t know, this just feels right. Y’know?

Joey: (still looking in date book) Hey! That’s the day after I stop menstruating! (They all look at him.) This isn’t mine.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is waiting impatiently for Joshua.]

Joshua: (entering) Hey, Rachel.

Rachel: Hi!

Joshua: What’s up? You’re voice sounded all squeaky on the phone.

Rachel: Ohh, nothing, I just wanted to see you. See you and hug you. (Hugs him) See you.

Joshua: Great!

Rachel: Yeah! (She sits down) Sit!

Joshua: (sitting) You okay?

Rachel: I’m more than okay, I am really, really happy! Wanna know why?

Joshua: Do I?

Rachel: ‘Cause I am really happy about us. I think we are, I think we are so on the right track! Y’know? I mean, I think we are working, I think we are clicking. Y’know?

Joshua: Yeah, sure-sure, yeah, we’re-we’re-we’re-we’re-we’re clicking.

Rachel: Yeah-yeah, y’know if-if there was just like one little area where I—that I think we need—we would need to work on; I-I would think it was we’re just not crazy enough!

Joshua: I-I gotta say, I-I-I-I’m not too sure I agree with that.

Rachel: Well, yeah, right, y’know what? Yeah, you’re right, I mean, we no, we have our fun. Yeah! But if (Grunts uncomprehensively)……I mean, I mean like craaaazy! Y’know? Okay, all right. This is gonna, this is gonna sound y’know, a little umm, hasty, but uh, just go with it. Umm. Ugh. What if we got married?

Joshua: What?! (Gunther is listening in.)

Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, it’s-it’s so, it’s so totally like, "Whoa! Can we do this?" Y’know, I mean, but I mean it just feels right! Don’t you think? It does! I mean, it just feels right, don’t you think?

Joshua: Wow! Uhh, Rachel uhh, you’re a real special lady, but my divorce isn’t final yet and, and, and we’ve been on four days, so I’m thinking "No, but thanks."

Gunther: YOU IDIOT!!!!!

[Scene: The Sleep Clinic, Joey is having trouble staying awake.]

Sleep Clinic Worker: Your name, please?

Joey: Joey Tribbiani.

Sleep Clinic Worker: Um-hmm, and did you stay up all night in preparation for your sleep study. (Joey doesn’t answer) Uh, sir? (Joey starts snoring)

Chandler: (answering for him) Yes he did.

Sleep Clinic Worker: Alll right, we’ll call you in a few minutes.

(As she leaves, a beautiful woman enters and sits down across from the boys.)

Chandler: (waking Joey) Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot!

Joey: (sleepily) Yeah, she is. Wow! (Falls back asleep, loudly) How you doin’?

(Chandler wakes him up, again.)

Joey: What?!

Chandler: You’re coming on to the entire room! (He goes over to pick up a stack of magazines next to her, and to get her attention, he throws them back down.) I’m Chandler.

Woman: I’m Marjorie.

Chandler: Hi.

Marjorie: Hi.

Chandler: You mind if I…

Marjorie: No, please.

(He sits down next to her.)

Chandler: So uh, what are you in for?

Marjorie: I talk in my sleep.

Chandler: What a coincidence, I listen in my sleep.

Joey: (asleep) So why don’t you give me your number?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe, still defying reality, are now throwing a bouquet at each other, pretending to catch the actual bouquet at an actual wedding.]

Monica: Okay, ready?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Okay.

(She turns around and throws the bouquet to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: (catching it) I got it! Mine! (They both hug)

Monica: Congratulations!

Phoebe: Thank you!

Monica: Okay! My turn! My turn!

Phoebe: Okay! (Gets into position) Okay, ready?

Monica: (cocking her head from side to side in some pre-bouquet-catching ritual) Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe turns and throws it on the couch.)

Monica: (upset) That was a terrible throw!!

Phoebe: I’m not gonna right to you! That’s not real!

Monica: Look at me! My big concern is what’s real?! (Finally realises) Oh my God. We’re really sad, aren’t we?

Phoebe: Yeah, I think we are.

Monica: This isn’t even my dress.

Phoebe: Well, at least you didn’t rent yours from a store called, "It’s Not Too Late."

Monica: I’m changing out of this.

Phoebe: Me too.

Monica: In like a half-hour?

Phoebe: Me too.

Monica: Okay, throw it straight this time.

Phoebe: Okay.

(She throws it straight, and Monica makes a big deal about catching it.)

Monica: I’m getting married next!!

Phoebe: Yay!

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe, back to reality, are sitting in normal clothes.]

Phoebe: I hate my regular clothes now! Y’know? I look down and-and I know that this isn’t gonna be the most special day of my life.

Monica: Yeah. I mean it was kinda fun for a while, but didn’t you start feeling silly?

Phoebe: I guess.

(Monica crosses her legs and is still wearing the garter belt.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: Oh God.

Phoebe: Oh, you’re such a cheater!

Chandler: (entering) Hello! Little ones.

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: So, is Joey gonna stop snoring?

Chandler: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. (They’re stunned.) Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me.

Phoebe: Oh, how’d that happen?

Chandler: Because I’m cooler.

Monica: No, seriously.

Chandler: Well she’s, she’s the kinda girl—Joey was unconscious.

(Joey enters, wearing a mouth guard like boxers wear.)

Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Hey you guys! What’s happening?

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: What is that?

Joey: (muffled) Oh, they gave it to me at the sleep clinic, and it’s gonna help me not to snore.

Monica: Well, are you asleep right now, Joe? ‘Cause I don’t think you have to wear it unless you are!

Joey: (takes out the mouth guard) I know I don’t have too! It tastes good. (Puts it back in.)

Chandler: Plus, you look cool.

(Joey totally agrees with this statement and kicks his feet up.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is putting away the wedding dress, finally.]

Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) Well, I just called Joshua…

Phoebe: Oh, how did it go?

Rachel: Well, I did my best to convince him that I’m not some crazy girl who is dying to get married—I’m just going through a hard time.

Phoebe: What did he say?

Rachel: Well uh, his answering machine was very understanding. Ugh. I feel blue.

Monica: Ohh, sweetie! (Goes to comfort her.) Hey, I bet you anything that he’s gonna call you again.

Rachel: Yeah, maybe, but I don’t think I even care. I don’t think he’s the one I’m sad about. Y’know, I know that I said that I am totally okay with Ross getting married, but as it turns out, I don’t think I’m handling it all that well.

Phoebe: Yeah, maybe.

Rachel: And I-I am just trying to figure out why.

Phoebe: Any luck?

Rachel: Well, yeah, y’know how Ross and I were on again, off again, on again, off again? I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road, we would be on again.

Monica: Again. Y’know what? I think we all did.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey! (She jumps up and throws Emily’s wedding dress into Rachel’s room.)

Ross: So, I got us some reservations for Sunday night, okay? How about, Ernie’s at 9 o’clock?

Rachel: Yeah, well, you uh, better make it for three.

Ross: Oh, see I-I don’t know if we’re gonna be hungry at three.

Rachel: Three people. Joshua’s not gonna be there.

Ross: What happened?

Rachel: Uh, well, I think, I think he broke up with me.

Ross: Noo. Why?

Rachel: Well, apparently he scares easy.

Ross: Oh, Rachel, I’m-I’m sorry.

Rachel: It’s okay. Sometimes, things don’t work out the way you’d thought they would.

Ross: Come here.

(They hug.)

Rachel: (breaking the hug) Oh, hey, don’t you have to go pick up Emily?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: You okay?

Rachel: Yeah! I got my girls.

(He leaves.)

Rachel: Ugh. (She goes over and lays her head on Phoebe’s lap.)

Phoebe: (looks at Monica) Hey, y’know what might cheer you up?

Rachel: What?

[Time lapse, all three girls are now wearing wedding dresses, eating popcorn, drinking beer, and watching TV.]

Rachel: Y’know, I gotta tell ya, this really does put in a better mood.

Monica: Oh, I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time. (Pause) Maybe someday, there will be.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Monica: Oh God! He’s gonna come by and borrow some candles for his big date!

Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes to answer the door.)

Monica: No-no, Rachel, don’t get it! He can’t see us!

Phoebe: No, yeah! The groom cannot see the bride!

Rachel: I’m not gonna marry Chandler!

Phoebe: Not after this!

Rachel: Okay, you guys, just relax. (She goes over to open the door, and as she does, she says.) I doooo. (Sees that it’s Joshua, not Chandler that knocked on the door.)

Joshua: I gotta go.

Rachel: Oh, wait, Joshua! Joshua! (Pause) (Comes back inside) Yeah, well, that oughta do it.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler’s bedroom, he is sleeping with Marjorie. All of the sudden, Marjorie starts talking in her sleep, awakening Chandler. After a little bit, she quiets back down, and Chandler tries to get back to sleep. There’s a short pause until she starts screaming, causing Chandler to scream with her. She quickly calms down. This all wakes up Joey, who comes over wearing the mouth guard, opens the top half of Chandler’s door, and starts to complain about the noise.]

Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Dude! I am trying to sleep! (Shrugs to say, "What’s up with that?")

End

The One With The Invitation

Written by: Seth Kirkland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

With Help from: Darcy Partridge

Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: guineapig, Ruth Curran, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, Josh Hodge,  Dan Silverstein, and Eric Aasen.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are sitting and talking.]

Chandler: Y’know what? It seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened.

Joey: I know. Ross is getting married.

Chandler: Phoebe is, making people.

Joey: Everybody’s doing stuff!

Chandler: And we just sit here. I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we have to do something. Okay? Something huge!

Joey: (snaps his fingers) We could climb Mt. Everest!

Chandler: No-no, not something stupid, something huge.

Joey: No-no-no-no-no, I saw an ad for this video, people climb that thing everyday! We could totally do that!

Chandler: Why not?! I mean it’s just, it’s just climbing! It’s just, it’s just steep!

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: We’re going to Everest! Okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on Everest!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: What-what’s up?

Joey: We’re gonna climb Mt. Everest!

Chandler: Yeah baby!

Phoebe: Really?! I looked into that. Yeah, but, I mean it costs like $60,000 and y’know you can die. And, you would die!

Chandler: (dejected) Yeah, well…

Joey: We could get that Everest video though.

Chandler: Yeah, we could do that without y’know risking our lives at all!

Joey: And while we’re down at the video store, you know what else we could rent? Die Hard! (Chandler’s excited.) Oh, y’know what? I just remembered, that Everest thing is only available through mail order.

Chandler: (dejected) Oh, well…

Phoebe: So you guys’ll stay here and hang out with me?

Chandler: Yeeeeahhhh.

Joey: Yeah. Yeah.

Chandler: But I’ll tell you something. One of these days we’re get off of our buts and rent Die Hard again!

Joey: Yeah we are!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, he and Emily are addressing their invitations.]

Emily: So what did he decide? Does your Uncle Nathan get an invite or not?

Ross: Ohh, God, nobody likes him, and he’s so cheap, he’d never fly to London in a million years. Yeah, invite him? Hey, did I do these neat enough? (Hands her some envelopes.)

Emily: Yeah, they’re fine.

Ross: Yeah?

Emily: If anyone asks, we’ll just say Ben addressed them. (Looking through the envelopes.) Oh! So you invited Rachel then?

Ross: Sure. Why not?

Emily: Really?

Ross: Yeah?

Emily: I don’t think I’d be comfortable with any of my old lovers there.

Ross: Wait-wait-wait, do you, do you think, maybe we shouldn’t invite her?

Emily: Oh, no-no, y’know I absolutely adore Rachel it’s just that, well it might be a awkward for you. But it’s absolutely your decision. (Gets up.) More tea?

Ross: Yeah sure.

Emily: Earl Grey?

Ross: Huh? Yeah, fine, invite whoever you want.

[And with that we start off on a series of clips from the entire history of Ross and Rachel, from Ross’s point of view. The first clip is from The Pilot.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is complaining about Carol.]

Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

(A woman enters wearing a wet wedding dress and frantically starts to look around.)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

[cut to later]

Monica: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (To Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel: Hi, sure!

Ross: Hi.

(They go to hug but Ross' umbrella opens.  He sits, defeated again.)

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are finishing up some cookies.]

Ross: You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.

Rachel: I knew.

Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.

Rachel: I did.

Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here—but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?

Rachel: Yeah, maybe...

Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...

[The next clip is from The One With The Blackout.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are talking about passion.]

Ross:  See, I see.... big passion in your future.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: I do.

Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. [she playfully rubs his head and gets up]

[Ross gets up, pleased with himself and starts to walk past Joey.]

Joey: It's never gonna happen.

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross is about to be attacked by Paulo's cat.]

Ross: Hey, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay. Umm, for a while now, I've been wanting to, um....

Rachel: Ohhh!!!! [looking at something behind Ross]

Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...

Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! [a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross] Look at it!

Ross: What? [the cat jumps on his shoulders] Ow!

[Cut to inside, Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]

Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: [singing] I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find...

[The next clip is from The One With The East German Laundry Detergent.]

[Scene: The Laundromat, Rachel is fighting with that old, annoying woman for a cart.]

Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!

(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)

Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?

Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel: I could not have done this without you.

(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)

Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? (Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I'm fine, I'm fine.

[The next clip is from The One Where Ross Finds Out]

[Scene: Central Perk, I'm sure you've guessed, it's the famous fight scene between Ross and Rachel.]

Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.

Rachel: (hurt) What?

Ross: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.

Rachel: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?

[cut to later]

Ross: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.

[cut to later]

Rachel: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.

Ross: Fine.

Rachel: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.

Ross: Good.

Rachel: Good. (Ross leaves)

[cut to later]

(Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him.)

[cut to later]

(She opens the door and they kiss.)

[The next clip is the second famous fight in The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are arguing.]

Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I’m doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I’m doing something that I’m actually good at. I mean. if you don’t get that...

Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I’m happy for ya, but I’m tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don’t know what to do anymore.

Rachel: Well neither do I!

Ross: Is this about Mark?

Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.

Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not.

Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you’re, you’re, you’re making this too hard.

Ross: Oh I’m, I’m making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do.

Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break.

Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, (goes to the door) let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yogart, or something.. (opens the door)

Rachel: No. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A break from us.

(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)

[The next clip is from The One The Morning After]

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is hurrying Chloe out the door.]

Chloe: Do I know why we’re rushing?

Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (He’s frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!

Chloe: That’s so great for you guys!

Ross: Yeah!

[cut to later]

Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend.

Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!!

Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.

Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.

Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again?

Ross: Yes, you can, very much.

(Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.)

Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just found out about Chloe and is screaming at Ross.  The rest of the gang is trapped in Monica's bedroom.]

Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!

Ross: No!!

Rachel: Just get out! Now!!

Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this.

Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she?

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: What?

Rachel: Was she good?

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Don’t answer that.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it!! How was she?

Ross: She was...

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Awful! Horrible!

Chandler: She was not good. Not good.

Joey: She was nothing compared to you.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: She, she was different.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Ewwwww!

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Good different?

Ross: Nobody likes change.

(Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.)

Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[The next clip is from The One With The Jellyfish.]

[Scene: Rachel's bedroom, Rachel, entering selfish mode, is thanking Ross for wrongly taking the entire blame of the breakup; as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it.]

Rachel:  ...the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know?  I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”  Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...

Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!

[Cut back to the present.]

[Scene: A mailbox, Ross is mailing the invitations.  He throws a bunch into the mailbox, but pauses with Rachel's.  And it starts another round of clips.]

[The One With The Fake Party]

[Scene: The hallway, Rachel is convincing Ross that Emily is good for him.]

Rachel: You seem to really like her.

Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment.

Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks.

Ross: You think?

Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.

Ross: Hey, you’re right.

Rachel: Yeah.

[Cut back to the present, Ross is still looking at Rachel's invitation.  Finally, he makes up his mind and mails it.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are opening their invitations.]

Monica: Ohh, this is soo amazing! I can’t believe my brother’s getting married! And in London! It’s so romantic!

Joey: (taking apart the invitation) Hey, pretty smart! Tissue paper! You’re at the wedding, you have to cry, "Handkerchief?" "No-no, I got my invitation."

Phoebe: Oooh look! Isn’t this adorable, Ross let Ben address mine!

Chandler: (entering) Hello!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! Hey, did you get your invitation to Ross’s wedding?

Chandler: (sarcastic) Noo.

Joey: Don’t worry man, I get to bring a guest. We’ll show him.

Phoebe: I’m so jealous you’re all going! I can’t believe I never knew that you can’t fly in your third trimester!

Chandler: I didn’t know that.

Monica: I never knew that either.

Joey: I knew that! (They all look at him) I sooo didn’t know that, but you should see your faces.

Rachel: (entering) Hey guys! What’s up?

Joey: Heyyy. (They all try and hide their invitations.)

Monica: We’re hanging out.

(Rachel starts going through her mail, and come across her invitation.)

Rachel: What’s this? Is this Ross’s wedding invitation?

Chandler: See, maybe that’s the one we should’ve actually hidden.

Rachel: Oh, no! No you guys! Come on, you don’t have to do that! I’m happy for him! I am! I really—I’m-I’m happ—I’ll work on it.

Monica: I’m sorry honey.

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Rach, you’re gonna come though aren’t you?

Rachel: Oh, honey, I don’t know. I…

Chandler: This isn’t one of those uh, y’know "If she doesn’t come, we-we don’t, we don’t come?" Right? Because I already bought my ticket…

Monica: You know what would be real weird? Is if you weren’t there. Just say you’ll think about it, okay?

Rachel: No, I’ll think about it. Yeah.

[And with that, we go into another set of clips, this time from Rachel’s point of view.]

[The first clip is from The One Where Rachel Finds Out.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's Rachel birthday party and Chandler is about to spill the beans.]

Rachel: Who's this from?

Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.

Rachel: Oh... (opens it and sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.

Phoebe: Remembered what?

Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him that it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!

Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.

Monica: I can't believe he did this.

Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel.)

Rachel: What did you just say?

Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin....

Rachel: Oh.... my God.

[The next clip is from The One With Ross's New Girlfriend.]

[Scene: The airport, Ross is about to walk off of the plane with Julie.]

Rachel:  (seeing Ross come off the plane with another woman.) Oh my God.

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is introducing Julie to the gang.]

Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.

Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.

Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to hang up on Julie.]

Ross: Oh, that is so sweet.(listens) No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three.(He doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet.) Well you didn't hang up either.

Rachel:  She didn't hang up either...

Ross:  Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y—(Rachel grabs the phone and hangs it up for him.)

[The next clip is from The One Where Ross Finds Out.]

[Scene, A Restaurant, Rachel is on her date, drunk, and is leaving that answering machine message.]

Rachel: (on phone) Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat...(cut)...I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. (She hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket.)

[cut to later]

[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross is checking his messages.]

Ross: Rach, I got a message from you.

(Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.)

Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . (She jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.)

Ross: You're over me?

Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh God. (climbs off his back)

Ross: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?

Rachel: Ohh, ohh.

Ross: When, when were you... under me?

Rachel: Well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.

[cut to later in the same scene]

Ross: OK, I need to lie down.

[The next clip is from The One With The List.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has just broken up with Julie and is about to get with Rachel.]

Joey: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Really. It's always been you, Rach.

Rachel: Oh, god.

(Ross and Rachel hug.)

Chandler and Joey: Ohhh.

[The next clip is from The One Where Ross and Rachel.... You Know.]

[Scene: The Auditorium, Ross and Rachel are about to... you know.]

Ross: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.

Rachel: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight.

(They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.)

Rachel: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.

Ross: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.

[The next clip is from The One The Morning After.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to prevent Gunther from spilling the beans.]

Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.

Gunther: I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to?

(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.)

[The next clip is from The One At The Beach.]

[Scene: The beachhouse, Ross and Rachel are argueing about the breakup.]

Ross: Y'know, hey! You’re the one who ended it, remember?

Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you!

Ross: You still love me?

Rachel: Noo.

[cut to later]

Ross: What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together?

Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don’t know.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just...

(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss.)

[The next clip is from The One With The Jellyfish.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are finally breaking up for good, or is it?]

Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!

Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)

[cut to later]

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!

Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!

[cut back to the present.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is deciding on whether or not to go to the wedding.]

[cut to another clip, this one is from The One With The Prom Video]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is watching the Prom Video and Rachel is about to make her entrance on the video.  The italics are portions of the prom video.]

Mrs. Geller: Rachel's coming up the path.  Doesn't she look pretty. Jack... (Rachel enters with a huge nose)

Rachel: Oh my God.

Monica: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this.

All: Oh yeah we do. C'mon.

Mrs. Geller: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica.

Mr. Geller: Wait, how do you zoom out? (zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich) There she is.

Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.

Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

[cut to later]

Monica: Oh, dad, turn it off.

Mr. Geller: It is off.  Right Ross? (pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache)

Joey: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter.

[cut to later]

Rachel: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late.

Monica: If you're not going then I don't want to go either.

Mrs. Geller: (to Ross on the stairs) I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.

[cut to later]

Ross: Y'know what?  I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off.

All: No, no, no.

Ross: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright.

Mr. Geller: C'mon kid, let's go.

Mrs. Geller: Ahh, are you hadsome.

Mr. Geller: Let's show 'em.

Ross: (walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable) Okay dad.

Mr. Geller: (going downstairs) Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining—Oh no. (Chip has shown up and the four are leaving.)

Rachel, Monica, Roy, and Chip: Bye.

Mrs. Geller: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?

Monica: (to Ross) I can't believe you did that.

Ross: Yeah, well.

[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross]

Phoebe: See, he's her lobster.

[Cut back to the present, Rachel has made her decision.]

Monica: (seeing the decision) Nooooo. You’re really not going?

Rachel: Yeah. It’s just gonna be too hard. Y’know? I mean, it’s Ross. How can I watch him get married? Y’know it’s just, it’s for the best, y’know it is, it’s… Y’know, plus, somebody’s got to stay here with Phoebe! Y’know she’s gonna be pretty big by then, and she needs someone to help her tie her shoes; drive her to the hospital in case she goes into labour.

Monica: You don’t have a car. And your license expired.

Rachel: I know. (Starts to cry) Yeah, see, there’s so much to do and I have so little time to do it in.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are reading a book about things to do whilst in London.]

Chandler: All right, check it out. Check this out. It says here that there’s a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums! (Reading from the book.) "It’s almost as good as being there."

Joey: It’s better! You can’t go to a museum in your underwear!

Chandler: Well, You could, but... probably just the one time.

Joey: I bet we could get videos of all the sites, get a VCR in our hotel room... we'd never even have to go outside!

Chandler: If we do that, we gotta get Die Hard.

Joey: Oh-ho! I bet the British version is gooooood!

End

The One With The Worst Best Man Ever

Teleplay by: Michael Curtis

Story by: Seth Kurland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, Phoebe is returning from the bathroom.]

Phoebe: (angrily) That’s like the tenth time I’ve peed since I’ve been here!

Monica: That’s also like the tenth time you told us.

Phoebe: Yeah, oh I’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it’s a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I’m so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, ‘cause—Oh! I’m pregnant!

Ross: Pheebs, did…you want a cookie?

Phoebe: (starting to cry) Thank you so much.

Rachel: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?

Phoebe: I haven’t really had any yet.

(Monica, Joey, and Chandler all shake their heads.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Ross: All right, here’s the ring. (Shows Chandler the wedding ring he plans on giving Emily)

Chandler: (shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Ross: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don’t you have to decide who your best man is gonna be?

Chandler: Oh, it’s awkward. It’s awkward. It’s awkward.

Ross: I sort’ve already asked Chandler.

Joey: What?! He got to do it at your first wedding!

Ross: Joey, I figured you’d understand. I mean, I-I’ve known him a lot longer.

Joey: Come on Ross! Look, I-I don’t have any brothers; I’ll never get to be a best man!

Chandler: You can be the best man when I get married.

Joey: (pause) I’ll never get to be a best man!

Ross: (to Chandler) Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I never get to be yours at all?

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you—yeah, of course you get to be my best man.

Joey: (impatiently tapping Chandler on the shoulder) What about me?! You-you just said I could!

Chandler: I’m not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!

Joey: I can’t believe you’re not picking me.

Ross: Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey!

Chandler: I’m not even… I’m not even…

Ross: Fine, y’know what, that’s it. From now on, Joey, I want you to be my best man.

Joey: Yes! (to Chandler) Shame about you man.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: (to her babies) Stop it!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: One of the babies is kicking.

Monica: I thought that was a good thing.

Phoebe: It’s not kicking me, it’s kicking one of the other babies. Oh (looks down her dress)! Don’t make me come in there!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow?

Monica: Yeah, there’s one right under the cabinet.

Joey: (grabs it) Thanks.

Monica: Why do you need it?

Joey: Oh, we’re having a big party tomorrow night. Later! (Starts for the door.)

Rachel: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us?

Joey: Nooo, later. (Walks out the door.)

Phoebe: Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!! (Joey walks back in, scared.)

Rachel: Hormones!

Monica: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you’re having a party and we’re not invited?

Joey: Oh, it’s Ross’s bachelor party.

Monica: Sooo?

Joey: Are you bachelors?

Monica: Nooo!

Joey: Are you strippers?

Rachel: Nooo!

Joey: Then you’re not invited. (Starts for the door again.)

Rachel: All right fine! You’re not invited to the party we’re gonna have either.

Joey: Oh-whoa, what party?

Rachel: Well umm…

Monica: The baby shower for Phoebe!

Joey: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don’t want to do! Later! (Finally, he makes his exit.)

Phoebe: I can’t believe I’m gonna have a party! This is so great! (Really excited) A party! (Really, really excited) Yay!! (Suddenly, she starts crying and Rachel moves to comfort her.) I don’t know why.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are talking over party plans.]

Joey: This is what I’ve got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor.

Ross: Great. Great.

Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I’ve got you, me, and Chandler and I’m gonna invite Gunther ‘cause, well, we’ve been talking about this pretty loud.

Gunther: I’ll be there.

Joey: All right—oh! Listen, I know this is your party, but I’d really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there.

Ross: Yeah. Tell ya what, let’s not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes!

Joey: Okay! We’ll need a six-pack of Zima.

Chandler: (entering) Hey guys, what are you doing?

Ross: Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man.

Chandler: Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one.

Ross: Yeah, see, I don’t think it’s gonna that difficult considering this one won’t be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut.

Chandler: Oh, I’m Ross. I’m Ross. I’m too good for the Hut; I’m too good for the Hut.

Ross: Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything okay?

Joey: You got it.

Ross: Okay, see ya later.

Chandler: See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.

Joey: Well, there’s gonna be strippers there. He didn’t say anything about no strippers.

Chandler: He just said, "No strippers."

Joey: Oh, I chose not to hear that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is returning from shopping and Rachel is there.]

Monica: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! (She shows Rachel what she bought. She bought a little leather jacket and a little cowboy outfit for the babies.) Can you believe they make these for little people?

Rachel: Little village people.

Monica: Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite. (It’s a little pink and white dress for the girl baby.)

Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet!

Monica: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these!

Rachel: Huh. Except, Phoebe’s not gonna be the one that gets to dress them.

Monica: Because she’s not gonna get to keep the babies.

Rachel: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever!

Monica: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she’s done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila.

Rachel: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she’s always wanted!

Monica: Oh, she’s gonna love that!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe’s baby shower, she is holding those leather pants, and isn’t happy about it.]

Phoebe: What the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me stuff that I can’t use for another two months?! This sucks! All right, what’s my next present?!

All: I don’t have anything. (All of the rest of the women there hide their gifts behind their backs.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross’s bachelor party. Ross is thanking Joey for the party.]

Ross: Hey listen man, about the stripper…

Joey: Yeah?

Ross: Good call!

Chandler: (banging a spoon against his beer bottle) Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I’ve decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther!

Gunther: What’s my last name?

Chandler: Central Perk?

Gunther: (to Ross) Thanks for not marrying Rachel. (He starts to leave.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-wait, Gunther don’t-don’t forget your shirt. (He gives Gunther his shirt and Gunther leaves.)

Ross: Hey-hey, what are those?

Joey: Oh, little party favours, check it out! (It’s a shirt that reads, "Ross Geller, Bachelor Bash 1998")

Ross: Wow! Yeah!

Joey: Oh-oh! (Shows him what’s on the back, "Best Man Joey Tribbiani, with a huge picture of him.)

Chandler: (banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position of the bride.

The Stripper: Great!

Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey.

Joey: Oh, hey, don’t forget your shirt.

Ross: Oh, thanks! (Takes it and throws it back into the box and leaves.)

Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, party’s over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parent’s basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right.

The Stripper: Ohhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours?

Joey: Yeah!

The Stripper: Wow, I didn’t know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets.

Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck complies.)

The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.

Joey: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin’ ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday…

The Stripper: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night.

Joey: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around.

The Stripper: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. I’ll let you play with my duck.

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, it’s the middle of the night, he’s waking up and discovers he’s alone in bed.]

Joey: Hey, (realises he doesn’t know her name.) stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees it’s empty and starts to panic.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s continued from earlier. Joey is now waking Chandler and telling him the news.]

Joey: (running and banging on Chandler’s door) The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring!

Chandler: (opening the door) What?

Joey: The ring is gone!

Chandler: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this—Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You’re the worst best man ever!

Joey: Dude, this isn’t funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to bed last night, everything’s cool! I wake up this morning, the stripper’s gone and the ring is gone!

Chandler: You slept with the stripper?

Joey: Of course!! (Shrugs.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is entering, Monica and Rachel are talking on the couch.]

Phoebe: Hi, guys.

Rachel: Hi! Phoebe. (Both Monica and her try to move out of Phoebe’s way.)

Monica: Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: I-I wanted to apologise if I—y’know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. Y’know it’s just the hormones, y’know.

Rachel: No we…

Monica: Hormones.

Rachel: …hormones, yeah.

Phoebe: Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet. (She goes to hug them and they both flinch, thinking that Phoebe is about to attack them.)

Monica: Wow, you seem to be doing so much better. That’s great. So how-how are things going?

Phoebe: Good. Y’know—no-no, okay, it’s-it feels like everything’s been about me lately, so what’s happening with you?

Rachel: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross’s wedding.

Phoebe: Oh!

Rachel: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that…

Phoebe: Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him.

Rachel: Well, h-how is this like that?

Phoebe: Well, let’s see, it’s not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y’know a bunch of y’know high school crap that nobody really gives y’know…

Rachel: (starting to cry) I’m-I’m sorry, I just thought that…

Phoebe: Alrighty, here come the water works. (Rachel starts crying harder.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is trying to figure out what to do.]

Joey: Ugh! I don’t know what I’m going to do! I called the company that sent and th-they don’t care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me, if this isn’t an emergency, then what is?

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey…

Ross: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y’know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so…

Joey: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that’s nice!

Ross: Yeah, right!

Joey: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those…

Ross: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.

Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)

Ross: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life.

Chandler: So you might say, it’s a magic ring.

Joey: (laughs, softly) Yeah, the stripper stole it.

Ross: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?!

Chandler: Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don’t you be my best man."

Ross: (dialling the phone) All right-all right, fine! I-I’m gonna call the cops!

Joey: Dude, I screwed up, you don’t have to turn me in!

Ross: Not on you! On the stripper!

Joey: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they’re gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders.

Ross: Okay, well, we’ll call the company that sent her!

Joey: I did that too! They wouldn’t give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they’d call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I’m missing a ring!"

Ross: So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That there’s nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?!

Joey: Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I…

Chandler: Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?

Joey: Oh, that sounds like fun, but we’ve got a ring to find!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.]

Monica: Here’s your tea Phoebe. (They give it to her and quickly take a step back.)

Phoebe: (sips it) It’s so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.

Rachel: Good.

Monica: I’m so glad you liked it.

Phoebe: (sets the cup down) Oh! (Grabs her stomach in pain.)

Monica: What?!

Rachel: What?! She made the tea! (Points to Monica.)

Phoebe: Oh! No, I-I think I just had a contraction.

Rachel: You what?

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, I thought I had one a couple of minutes ago, and now I know that was definitely one.

Monica: Wait, you can’t have the baby here! I mean I haven’t sterilised it since the guys moved out!

Rachel: Okay. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. Y’know what? It’s okay. I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets!

Phoebe: No. It’s all right; it’s probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book.

Monica: Rachel, get the book! The book!

Rachel: Okay! (Runs and grabs a book and hands it to Monica.) Okay! Here!

Monica: The Bible?!

Rachel: I don’t know!

[Scene: Chandler’s office, the guys are there waiting to ambush the stripper.]

Joey: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. (to Ross) You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I’ll be uh, Mr. Wong.

Ross: Diverse.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

The Stripper: Did anybody call for security?

Chandler: (to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)

The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.) Hey, Joey?

Ross: Where’s my ring? My dead grandmother’s wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it?

Chandler: Way to be cool, man.

The Stripper: What’s he talking about?

Joey: There was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone!

The Stripper: Wait, you guys think I stole some ring?

The Guys: Yeah!

Ross: We know you took so just-just save yourself the time and confess!

The Stripper: Okay, who are you? The Hardy boys? Look, I don’t need to steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys make that?

Chandler: Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the guys are now trying to figure out what next to do, since their plan with the stripper backfired on them.]

Joey: I don’t get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didn’t take it, and I didn’t take it; and you (Chandler) didn’t take it, then who did? (The duck quacks.) Shh! We’re trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realise it at the same moment and stare at Joey, who doesn’t get it. After a short pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is recovering from her false labour.]

Rachel: I still don’t get how you know when it’s false labour.

Phoebe: Well, do you see any babies?

Monica: How do you feel?

Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean… I don’t know, it’s just, I guess I know it’s going to be over soon.

Rachel: Well, isn’t that a good thing? You said you were sick of this.

Phoebe: I know. It’s just y’know usually when you’re, when you’re done with the pregnant thing, y’know, then you get to do the mom thing. I’m gonna be y’know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila.

Monica: Some moms do that.

Phoebe: Okay that’s even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it’s just that now that they’re in me it’s like, it’s like I know them y’know, I mean-I mean, it’s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away.

Monica: Aww, sweetie, but it’s not like you’re not gonna have anything. You’re gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that’s even better.

Phoebe: Yeah, okay.

Rachel: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you’re not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they’re bad, y’know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won’t calm down. Y’know?

Monica: I mean, you’re the one they’re gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.

Rachel: And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe!

Phoebe: Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool!

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: And y’know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you.

Phoebe: They are gonna love me.

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Again.

Monica: Oh, sweetie! (They all hug.)

Phoebe: You’re the best. Thanks. Oh!

Monica and Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Just kidding. Ahh!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Got cha again, you guys are so easy.

[Scene: The Animal Hospital, the guys have taken the duck in to remove the ring. Joey is pacing around like an expectant father.]

Joey: If anything should happen to him…

Ross: Joey! The vet said it’s a simple procedure.

Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You don’t know! What if he doesn’t make it?!

Chandler: He will, Joe.

Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesn’t? He’s such a good duck.

(With that we go into a little flashback about the guys’ memories of the duck. The first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then it’s Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then it’s Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls’ apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole in the entertainment-center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and it’s concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping it’s wings. And the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)

Joey: I’m so worried about him, y’know?

The Doctor: (coming in from surgery) Somebody lose a ring?

Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where it’s been.)

Joey: H-h-h-how’s the duck?

The Doctor: He’s doing just fine, he’s resting now, but you can see him in a little bit.

Joey: Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this.

Ross: No, that’s all right.

Joey: No, it’s not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down!

Chandler: Hey, come on, it’s not your fault.

Joey: Yeah, it is! You wouldn’t have lost the ring, right? Y’know what, Ross you were right from the start, he (Chandler) should be your best man.

Chandler: No, you should.

Joey: Now, don’t argue with me…

Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Really?

Ross: Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my… I mean, I’m lucky to have just one good… (They all start getting emotional.)

Chandler: Thanks man.

Joey: (starting to cry) I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they can’t see him cry.)

Chandler: What a baby.

Ross: Total wuss!

(They both turn and wipe their eyes.)

Closing Credits

[There was no closing scene, only a preview of the wedding.]

End

The One With Ross’s Wedding Parts I and II

Part I Written by: Michael Borkow

Part II Teleplay by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri

Part II Story by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin

Part I Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

Part II Transcribed by: Aaron D. Miller

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are getting ready for the flight to London and Monica comes running in.]

Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her apartment.)

Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That’s a lot of Monica.

[Cut to the girls’ apartment, Monica is putting things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel watch.]

Monica: Passport, check! (As she puts away each item, she says check.) Camera, check! Traveller’s cheques, check!

Rachel: Who are you saying "check" too?

Monica: Myself. Y’know for remembering to pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get a check! (pause) My mom does it, I never realized it was weird.

Phoebe: Yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But it was pretty weird.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey! Are you ready yet?

Monica: Yep! You got the tickets?

Ross: Oh! Got ‘em right here, (Pats his coat pocket) check!

[Cut to the guys’ apartment.]

Joey: It’s all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls’ apartment.)

Chandler: You got your passport?

Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. You don’t want to lose that.

(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesn’t know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)

Joey: Ohh!! (Runs to his room.)

Chandler: There it is.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, Monica is telling Phoebe where everything is.]

Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, it’s in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator…

Phoebe: Okay, okay, but Rachel’s gonna be here too, can’t I just ask her this stuff?

Monica: Yeah, okay, give that a try!

Chandler: (entering, with Joey) All right! Let’s do it!

Joey: Woo-hoo!!

Ross: Yeah, cheerie-o!

Joey: London baby!

Chandler: Okay, ‘cause that’s not gonna get annoying.

Joey: (louder) London baby!!

Chandler: Hey, y’know what? I was wrong.

Ross: Well, we’re all here! I guess we should get going!

Phoebe: Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but I don’t—can’t get up.

Ross: Oh, I’ll-I’ll come hug you.

Phoebe: Great! Yeah, could you bring me the newspaper?

Ross: Yeah. (He does so and Phoebe hugs him.)

Phoebe: Oh, have a great wedding!

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too!

Chandler: Hey! (Trots over)

Phoebe: Oh, and great! You might as well bring me my book, it’s on the counter in your apartment.

Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebe’s book as Rachel comes in from her room.)

Ross: (to Rachel) So, we’re off.

Rachel: Have fun!

Ross: Thanks! (They hug.) Ugh, I can’t believe you’re not gonna be there!

Rachel: Oh, I know.

Ross: So-so come! Why don’t you come?

Rachel: What?!

Ross: To London! Come to London. Please? It’ll mean so much to me.

Rachel: Yeah, well, I gotta work, I’m sorry.

Ross: Why-why can’t you take a couple of days off?

Rachel: Because, I can’t! Ross, I told you, no. I can’t.

Ross: This is my wedding.

Monica: All right, y’know what? We really are late! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!!

Ross: Fine. You’ll-you’ll watch it on video when we get back.

Chandler: (entering, with Phoebe’s book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo.

Phoebe: (laughs) Thank you.

(Chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug.

Phoebe: Thank you. (She pats him on his head.)

Ross: All right, let’s go! Bye, Pheebs!

Joey: Bye, Pheebs!

(They all start out, Rachel gives each one a kiss, and says "bye." In the hall, Joey says…)

Joey: London baby!! (And Rachel slowly closes the door, sadly.)

Phoebe: Oh, do you need a hug? You don’t have to bring me anything!

(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves it’s entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.)

[Scene: Street in front of the London Marriott, Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video camera and is shooting Chandler.]

Joey: Come on! Do something!

Chandler: I am, I’m ignoring you.

Joey: Okay, here! (Gives him the camera.) I wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop, Westminster Abbey. (Joey folds out his "pop-up" map of London. All of the major landmarks pop-up like in a pop-up book.)

Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that?

Joey: It’s London, baby! All right, the hotel’s here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna go… No. I know. (Sets the map down.) I’m gonna have to go into the map. (So Joey literally steps into the map.)

Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it!

Joey: I got it! (Picks up the map and starts walking.) Here we go.

Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, we’re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?

Joey: Shhh! (Pause) Man, you made me lose it! (He goes into the map again.)

[Scene: Another street, somewhere along the River Themes, Ross, Emily, and Monica are walking to where they’re gonna get married. Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer.]

Emily: …and that was all before 10 o’clock. The caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the florist phoned to say there aren’t any tulips. Oh, and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome. We’re not gonna be…

Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, (Gives her the time-out signal.) honey, okay?

Emily: Well, up yours too!

Ross: What?! No! No! That’s-that’s time-out!

Emily: Sorry.

Ross: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything’s gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on.

Monica: Chicken Kiev?

Ross: Um-hmm! Doesn’t that sound delicious at the last minute?

Monica: Yeah, y’know, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldn’t have to worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.) So, I can’t wait to see this place you’re getting married!

Ross: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily’s parents got married here.

Emily: I still can’t believe they’re tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you’ll ever see. I mean it’s over… (She stops suddenly, when she sees that demolition has already started.) Oh my God!

Monica: It’s nice.

Emily: Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the building.)

[Cut to inside.]

Emily: (running in, with Ross) Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we going to do?

Ross: It’s all right! Everything’s gonna be all right.

Emily: How’s it gonna be all right?!

Ross: Uh-huh, I see that.

Monica: (entering) Okay, I talked to the guy with the shovel and I found out what happened.

Ross: What? What?

Monica: They torn it down a few days early.

[Scene: Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler have successfully navigated the streets of London and are approaching the Abbey.]

Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I’ve ever seen. Hey! (Pushes Chandler in front of the camera.) Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?

Chandler: I think it’s great. It’s great. Y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place.

Joey: Really? To what?

Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!!

Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. (He starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is trying to move off of the couch as Rachel enters.]

Phoebe: Oh. Oh.

Rachel: Oh, honey! Don’t get up! What do you need?

Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.

Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything.

Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.

Rachel: Okay, that is all you.

Phoebe: So-so, what do you want for lunch?

Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. I guess we have to eat.

Phoebe: Yeah, I do. What’s the matter?

Rachel: I’m just bummed about the way I left things with Ross. I shouldn’t have lied to him about having to work. He seemed so mad at me.

Phoebe: Eh, don’t be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married…

Rachel: (interrupting) Still in love with?!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: I’m not in love with Ross!

Phoebe: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither.

Rachel: Phoebe, I’m going to Ross’s wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, I’m still in love with him! I mean, hey, y’know, I like Ross as much as the next guy, y’know? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings don’t mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn’t mean that-that I’m still in love with him. Y’know? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him—Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my—why didn’t you tell me?!!

Phoebe: We thought you knew!

Rachel: We?!

Phoebe: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time!

Rachel: You all know? Does Ross know?

Phoebe: Oh no, Ross doesn’t know anything.

Rachel: Oh, I can not believe you didn’t tell me!

Phoebe: Well, because we thought you knew!! It’s so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, "Hey, you like things clean."

[Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler walk up to a souvenir stand.]

Joey: Hey!

The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the market for? We’ve got uh, scarves, tulip post cards...

Joey: Check this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah. That’s the stuff. What do you think?

Chandler: Well, I don’t have to buy that, "I’m with stupid" T-shirt anymore.

Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.)

Chandler: All right, look, you’re not really gonna buy that are you? Don’t you think you’ve embarrassed me enough for one day?

Joey: Oh, I embarrass you?

Chandler: How can I answer that when I’m pretending I don’t know you?

The Vendor: He’s just jealous. You’ll fit right in; all Londoners wear them!

Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them?

The Vendor: (looks around) They’re all tourists.

Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y’know, you’re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.

Joey: Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If you’re gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat.

The Vendor: Good choice.

Joey: Thanks.

Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, that’s it, okay, I’m out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)

[Scene: The hotel, Ross’s room, Emily is entering.]

Emily: Hello?

Ross: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we’ll be able to find a new place for the wedding.

Emily: We don’t have to.

Ross: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place?

Emily: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we put the wedding off for a bit.

Ross: She said what?

Emily: She said, "If I’m not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we find in a day, well then we should just postpone it."

Ross: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Do you my sister’s teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isn’t right.

Emily: I realize that people are going to be disappointed. But, I’m sure they’ll come back when we can do it right.

Ross: I can’t ask people to do that? Would you ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants)

Emily: Don’t you point your pants at me! (She throws them on the floor.) We have no choice! Anywhere that’s half-decent would’ve be booked months ago, Ross don’t you understand? This is our wedding I’m talking about.

Ross: The only thing I understand is; postponing it is not an option. This is when we’re getting married.

Emily: So what are you saying? It’s now or never?

Ross: No. I’m saying it’s now. (He starts putting on his pants, backwards again.)

Emily: Or?

Ross: There’s no ‘or’ in mind. What is wrong with these pants?!!

Emily: It’s not the pants. It’s you that is backwards. And if, and if you don’t understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn’t get married at all! (She storms out.)

Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please—(He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of shopping bags.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: (depressed) Hi.

Phoebe: So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross?

Rachel: Manhattan does not have enough stores.

Phoebe: Well, I think I can help you get over him.

Rachel: You can?

Phoebe: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross.

Rachel: Um-hmm.

Phoebe: And a small piece of chocolate.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.)

Rachel: Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree?

Phoebe: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. I just didn’t feel like getting up. Okay, I’m gonna show you a picture of Ross. Okay? And you’re going to remember all of the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws.

Rachel: I can do that. I certainly did it when we were going out.

Phoebe: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he’s such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Okay, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you’re with Ross okay and imagine that you’re kissing him. And you’re-you’re running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it’s some kind of grease, it’s—uck! Hah?

Rachel: I don’t know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y’know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy.

Phoebe: Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought. Umm, let’s try some uh, aversion therapy.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay?

Rachel: All right.

Phoebe: So uh, now look at the picture…

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: All right, and umm… (She grabs the picture and smacks her in the head.)

Rachel: Ow!

Phoebe: Okay, how do you feel now?

Rachel: Well, I like you less!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s hotel room. Chandler is watching TV as Joey returns, still wearing his hat.]

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey. (He nods at the hat.)

Joey: Oh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry!

Chandler: No-no-no, y’know what? I really shouldn’t have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn’t cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I’ve had a really lousy day.

Joey: Me too.

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Noo!! I’ve had the best day ever! Dude, check this out!

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Sh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch something he has taped.)

[Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some famous place in London with a rather famous English-type person.]

Joey: (on tape) Okay, so say hi to my friend and tell him that you like the hat.

Fergie: (Yep, Sarah, the Duchess of York) Okay, so umm, what’s your friend’s name?

Joey: (on tape) Oh, Chandler.

Fergie: Hi Chandler! (Waves)

Chandler: That’s… That’s was…

Monica: Oh my God!

Joey: That’s Fergie baby!!

Fergie: Joey says you don’t really like his hat, but I think it’s kinda dashing.

Chandler: How did you? How? How?

Joey: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I’m in my map and-and…(Ross enters) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily.

Monica: (laughs) Yes, I did! And you are welcome!

Ross: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?!

Monica: Umm…

Chandler: I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

Joey: Wait up! (They both run to the bathroom.)

Ross: Hey-hey, since you’re the ‘fix-it’ lady, here’s a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesn’t want to have the wedding at all?

Monica: She said that?!

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: Why?!

Ross: I don’t know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out.

Monica: Oh my God. You’re even dumber than I am!

Ross: Excuse me?

Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding?

Ross: I don’t know. A month?

Monica: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That’s what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was.

Ross: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the flying nun.

Monica: Sometimes we were.

Ross: Come on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Okay?

Monica: Okay.

Ross: Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks his head out.)

Chandler: That was pretty intense huh?

Joey: Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didn’t think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here!

Chandler: (glares at him) I hope he did!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and Phoebe answers it.]

Phoebe: Hello.

Joey: (on phone) Hey, Pheebs! It’s Joey!

Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the—that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say ‘hi!’ but then I figured, he doesn’t care if he looks like you.

Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing?

Phoebe: Ohh, they’re having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn’t been helpful at all. So, do you miss me?

Joey: Kinda, but I’ve just been having way too much fun.

Phoebe: So you’re not homesick yet?

Joey: No, I don’t think so.

Phoebe: All right, the seven of us miss you.

Joey: Who’s seven?

Phoebe: Y’know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies…

Joey: Ahh, the babies miss me?

(There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebe’s door.)

Phoebe: Ooh, the pizza guy’s here!

Joey: What? You ordered pizza without me?!

Phoebe: Yeah. But y’know we were thinking about you, y’know we ordered the Joey Special.

Joey: Two pizzas?!

Phoebe: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later.

Joey: Wait, well, where did you get it from?!

(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, he’s happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in.]

Emily: Monica, why have you brought me here of all places?!

Monica: You’ll see.

Emily: I tell you, this wedding is not going to happen.

(At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to light the place up.)

Emily: Oh God.

Ross: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights, okay? And-and y’know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles…

Monica: And the musicians, look, they can go over here (Points to a little alcove), okay? And the chairs can face this way (Points), and… (Points to Ross) You go.

Ross: But-but, if you don’t love this, we’ll do it in any other place at any other time. Really, it’s fine, whatever you want.

Emily: It’s perfect.

Ross: And, I don’t know, if it starts to rain…

Emily: Well then we’ll get wet. (They kiss.)

Monica: Ohh. And I don’t even have a date.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is in her bedroom.]

Rachel: Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: Do you remember where the duck food is?

Phoebe: Yeah, it’s in the guys’ apartment under the sink. Why?

Rachel: (enters with a bag packed) Because I’m going to London.

Phoebe: What?! What do you mean you’re going to London?

Rachel: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don’t have those babies until I get back. (Kisses her stomach.)

Phoebe: I—Rachel, you can’t go! Ross loves Emily!

Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision.

Phoebe: That’s not why you’re going! You’re going because you hope he’s gonna say, "Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy."

Rachel: Ohh—Do you think he will?!

Phoebe: No! Because he’s in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you’re just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Y’know, it’s too late! You missed you’re chance! I’m sorry, I know this must be really hard, it’s over.

Rachel: Y’know what? No. It’s not over until someone says, "I do." (Exits)

Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesn’t stop.) I do! (Gives up.) Ugh, like I can really chase you. I’m carrying a litter.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Moving Shot towards The Waltham House. A phone   is ringing.]

Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.

Phoebe: Oh...yes..is this..umm..Emily’s Parents’ house.

Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses oneself on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak.

Phoebe: (In a British accent) This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it’s not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss Emily Waltham, please?

Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it’s not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye.

Phoebe: No no no, I’ll be nice, I swear!!!   Could you just give me the number for where they are?

Housekeeper: I’m afraid, I’m not at liberty to divulge that information.

Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody, alright. So if you don’t give me that number then I’m going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire.

Housekeeper: Hangs up.

Phoebe: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I could kick her ass.

[Scene: Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross and Emily are standing in the reception area. Monica arrives with her parents.]

Monica: Hey.

Ross: (Ross hugs his mom and dad)Hi. Mom. Dad.

Mrs. Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube.

Mr. Geller: (embarrassed) Judy, the kids..

Mrs. Geller: Jack, that’s what they call the subway.

Mr. Geller: Ohh, I thought that you....

Ross and Monica: Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got It!!!

Emily: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham.

Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone's hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Darling it’s the Gellers. (She pays no attention she’s talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, it’s the Gellers. (She’s still not responding.) She’s very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her.

Mrs. Waltham: (Looking evilly at her husband) Sorry, what?

Mr. Waltham: It’s the Gellers!

Mrs. Waltham: Where?

Mr. Waltham: Well there’s one (pointing towards Jack) and there’s another (pointing towards Judy).

Mrs. Waltham: Lovely to meet you.

Mr. Waltham: Terribly nice of you to offer to pay for half the wedding. (He hand a multipage bill to Jack.)

Mr. Geller: Ohh forget it. Too hell with tradition, we’re happy to do it.

Mrs. Geller: We know how expensive weddings can be, besides this may be the only wedding we get to throw (patting Monica on the shoulder.).

Monica: Ha ha, a joke that’s funny in all countries.

(Ross quickly directs the families to their tables.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey are standing by the kitchen entrance. A waiter comes out.]

Waiter: Sir? (Looking at Joey.)

Joey: What’s in it?

Waiter: Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and panchetta. (Joey Looks down disgustingly at the food.)

Joey: (Looking up at the waiter)That’s not food...No, I don’t, no...(Taps Chandler on the shoulder.) Everything's different here...I want to go home. I...I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I can’t even remember what Phoebe looks like.

Chandler: Joey, it’s been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself.

Joey: (Pointing  at Chandler.) Your different here too. Your mean in England. (Chandler throws his hands up to his head in frustration. They walk away from each other.)

[Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross, Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.]

Mr. Geller: (Looking at ht wedding bill.) What the hell!!!

Ross: what’s up, Dad?

Mr. Geller: This bill for my half of the wedding. it’s insane.

Mrs. Geller: How could it be so much? The receptions at their house.

Mr. Geller: (Pointing items out on the bill.) Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest bath, landscaping. I’m paying to remodel this guys house. (Angrily gets up.) I’m going to give that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind.

Ross: (Holding him back.)Dad, dad, please. Look I don’t want anything to upset Emily tonight. Alright, she's had a hard enough couple of days as it is. (Picks up the bill.) Now here, here, let me go talk to him, okay?

Mr. Geller: And you tell him no one takes advantage of the Gellers.

Mrs. Geller: Ooh, Jack....(He looks over to her) Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be. (They embrace and kiss passionately.)

Monica: (Looking nauseous from her parents kissing.) And I’m going to go get drunk. (Gets up to get a drink.)

[Scene: An airport in New York.]

Rachel: (Running to the ticket counter) Ooh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. (Slightly out of breath) Hi.

Ticket Agent: (Cheerfully.) Hello.

Rachel: (Faking cheerfulness.) Hello. Umm, when is your next flight to London?

Ticket Agent: (looking at her computer terminal) There’s one leaving in thirty minutes.

Rachel: Ohh, good.

Ticket Agent: And I do have one seat left.

Rachel: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred dollars.

Rachel: (looking through her wallet.) Ohh, I just don’t think I have enough left on my credit card.

Ticket Agent: Well you can split it with another credit card.

Rachel: Ohh, okay, how about five. (She hands her all the credit cards.) Ohh, thank you.

Ticket Agent: I’m just going to need to see your passport.

Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you know what? I don’t have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my night stand, and...okay. But you know what? I have my drivers license and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the counter.)

Ticket Agent: (Slides the twenty back and tosses her credit card onto the counter.)

[Scene: The Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross is at the Walthams’ table discussing the bill.]

Ross: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn.

Mr. Waltham: Ahh, then you have to give us the lawn ornaments.

Ross: I go back there with lawn ornaments, he’s going to laugh in my face.

Mrs. Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. (Ross looks frustrated. She begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say something, Steven?! Please!!!

Mr. Waltham: Don’t take that tone with me. (She looks evilly at him.) All-all right you can. (He looks over at Ross and Shrugs.)

[Scene: The Girls apartment. Phoebe is dialing the phone and Rachel runs in the door.]

Rachel: (Running to her room.) Hi, Pheebs.

Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and...

Rachel: (Running back out the door with her passport.) Bye, Pheebs.

Phoebe: (Trying to get up.) Wait!! Where are you going?! What are you doing?! No!! Wait!! (Not able to get up.) God!! Why am I always pregnant when she does that?!

[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to make a toast.]

Chandler: I’d like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Okay. I known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross looks embarrassed.) And I thought things were going to work out for him..Until the day he over inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A cellular phone rings.)

Mrs. Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors.

Phoebe: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak with ether one of the best men, or Ross’s sister Monica.

Mrs. Waltham: Who is this?

Phoebe: Oh, I’m Phoebe Buffay. I’m one of Ross’s best friends.

Mrs. Waltham: Well, if you’re on e of Ross’s best friends, why aren’t you here?

Phoebe: Yeah, um, I can’t fly. I’m having my brother’s babies.

Mrs. Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio?

Phoebe: No..umm, could I talk to one of them? It’s very very important.

Mrs. Waltham: No, I’m bored with you now. I’m going to cut you off. (She hangs up.)

Phoebe: Ohh! Okay, I’m going to have to kick her ass too.

Chandler: (Continuing his toast.) And I’m sure we’re all very excited that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall. (No reaction from the people.) Ohh, come on!! Monty Hall!! Lets make a Deal!! Come on, you people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations, Ross and Emily. (He sits down.)

Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now I’m not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home...Home...New York City...Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could we please..go home now?

(One of the bridesmaids, Felicity, puts her arm around Joey.)

Felicity: (Putting her arm around Joey.) Are you going home? I was hoping to get to know you better.

Joey: (Putting his arm around her.) I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.

[Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa. Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment because of the toast.]

Monica: I was laughing. (Patting him on the knee.)

Chandler: Out loud?

Monica: Well I didn’t want everyone to think I was stupid.

Chandler: So how are you doing?

Monica: My mother’s driving me crazy, but Ross is getting married. I’m happy. (A drunken man approaches.) I’m not going to let anything spoil that.

Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man.

Monica: Well, thanks, we like him.

Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a teenage when you had him. (Monica stares straight forward after the comment. Chandler tries to console her by patting her on the shoulder.)

(Ross and Emily’s parents are seated at a table. Ross is between them and they are discussing the wedding bill.)

Mr. Geller: There’s no way in hell, I’m paying for it.

Ross: Look, were down to just one point. Could we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding.

Mr. Geller: All-right fine, but I just want to say, I’m not paying for your wine cellar. You thieving, would be speaking German if it weren’t for us, cheap little man. (Emily’s stepmum looks shocked. Jack and Judy get up and leave.)

(Chandler’s trying to console Monica.)

Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay? There’s no way, you look like Ross’s mother.

Monica: Then why would he say it?

Chandler: Because he’s crazy. Okay? He came up to me earlier and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic.

Monica: Oh, my mother’s right. I’m never going to get married.

Chandler: Ahh, you know what? That is....Who wouldn’t want you?

Monica: Ohh, Please?! I’m a single mom, with a thirty year old son!!

[Scene: The airport. Rachel runs up to the ticket counter.]

Rachel: Hi, I’m back. Listen, I need to...

Ticket Agent: Hello.

Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock flight.

Ticket Agent: Oh I’m afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate.

Rachel: Okay, you know what/ You’re going to have to call that plane and tell them to swing around and come and pick me up.

Ticket Agent: I can’t do that.

Rachel: Sure, you know what? Come on, we’ll just tell them that there was like a problem with like the "engine".

Ticket Agent: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to step aside, Miss.

Rachel: Look, If I don’t get to London!! He is going to marry that other girl!!!

Ticket Agent: I can’t imagine why.

Rachel: All right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you call that plane back!! (She pounds her hand on the counter twice. The ticket agent counters by placing the closed sign on the counter and tapping it twice.)

[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Ross bursts into the room.]

Ross: (Screaming) I’m getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!!

Chandler: (With the covers pulled up to his chin.) Morning, Ross.

Ross: I’m getting married, to..day!!

Chandler: Yeah you are!!

Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.

Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Chandler and Monica are lying in the bed together talking. There’s an awkward air between them. They are both clutching the covers in from of them.]

Chandler: Well I’ve-I’ve never done that with you before.

Monica: (In am uneasy voice.) Nope. (She chuckles uneasily.)

Chandler: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How ya... You okay?

Monica: Yep, yep...You?

Chandler: Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You?(Looking over at her. She looks back.) We did you.

Monica: Well...I’d better get going.

Chandler: Oh yea yea, absolutely.

Monica: (Scoots towards the side of the bed.) Could you not look?

Chandler: I don’t want to look.

[Scene: The Virgin Atlantic flight to London that Rachel is on.]

Rachel: Ohhh.(she rhythmically taps her hands on the magazine on her lap.)

Passenger: Ahh, ahh, excuse me.

Rachel: Yeah?

Passenger: If you’re planning on doing that throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now. So that I could that a sedative...or perhaps slip you one.

Rachel: Oh. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. Sorry. (She hums and sighs happily.) It’s just, I’m ahh, I’m kinda excited. I’m, ahh, going to London to ahh, tell this guy that I love him and... (He puts his headphones on to ignore her.)

[Scene: Joey enters his hotel room. The phone is ringing.]

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe: (Angrily.) Hey, were the hell have you been?!

Joey: Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so...

Phoebe: I don’t want to hear about her!!

Joey: Ahh Pheebs, you know you’re still my number one girl.

Phoebe: No! No, we have an emergency. Okay? Rachel’s coming to London.

Joey: Ohh great!!!

Phoebe: No it’s not great. No, she’s coming to tell Ross that she loves him.

Joey: (Confused.) But, he loves Emily?

Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop her!! She’s going to ruin the wedding!!

Joey: Okay.

Phoebe: All right, so, okay...

Joey: Hold on. Hold on. (Picking up a note pad and writing and reading the message aloud.) Rachel coming. Do...Something.

Phoebe: Okay, so I’m done my part, okay. It’s your responsibility now, okay. The burden is off me, right?

Joey: Right!

Phoebe: So tell me about this girl?

(The guys hotel room. Joey’s there. Chandler comes out of the bathroom in a robe.)

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Have you seen Monica?

Chandler: (Very defensive.) I’m not seeing Monica.

Joey: (With a confused look on his face.) What?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Look we’ve got to find her. Phoebe just called!! Rachel’s coming to tell Ross she loves him!!

Chandler: Oh my god!

Joey: I know! That’s why we got to find Monica!! You know where she is?

Chandler: No!! Okay!! What’s with the third degree?! Why don’t you just shine a light in my eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.)

[Scene: The plane. Rachel's telling her story to the passenger on her left. The one on her left is still wearing his headphones.]

Rachel: ...And so then I realized. All this stuff I had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn’t come to the wedding. Was all just a way of...

Passenger: (Frustrated he takes his headphones off.) Oh, oh oh!! I’m sorry, can I interrupt? You know I just want to say..That you are a horrible, horrible person.

Rachel: Ehh, pardon me?

Passenger: You say you love this man, yet you’re about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I’m afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs.. This is a..this is a...terrible, terrible plan.

Rachel: But he has to know how I feel!

Passenger: But why? He loves this...this Emily person. No good can come of this.

Rachel: (Sighing) Well I-I think your wrong.

Passenger: Oh-no.(He bites his fist at her.)And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break. (Rachel gasps and doesn’t know what to say. He puts his headphones back on.)

[Scene: The church where Ross and Emily are to be married. Judy, Andrea, and Monica enter together.]

Mrs. Geller: (Looking around at the chapel.) Oh my God! It’s like a fairyland.

Mrs. Waltham: I know, it’s horrible isn’t it?

Monica: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good.

Mrs. Geller: I just hope...

Monica: (Angrily.) You can let some of them go by!(Judy and Andrea go to the front of the chapel. Joey approaches Monica.)

Joey: (Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. I’ll cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross.

Monica: (Awkwardly.) Why would I care where Chandler is? You know uhh...You know sometimes I don’t even like Chandler.

Joey: Okay. (They both walk off to watch for Rachel.)

(Ross and chandler are standing next to the alter. Ross is practicing for the wedding.)

Ross: (Using a slightly different inflection for each.) I do. I do. I do.

Chandler: Oh yea, your right. It’s the second one.

Ross: (Very Nervous)Really?

[Scene: Joey’s in the front entrance watching for Rachel. The bridesmaid he met at the rehearsal dinner come in.)

Felicity: (In a sexy voice.)Hello Joey.

Joey: Hey, Felicity.

Felicity: Umm, I thought about you all day.

Joey: Yeah.

Felicity: Um-hum. Talk New York to me again.

Joey: (In a New York accent.) Fuggetaboutit. (She giggles.) How you doin?

Felicity: Mmm. (She pushes him up against the wall and they begin to kiss.)

Joey: Oh, yeah.

(Back in the chapel. The parents are still fighting over the bill. Ross is refereeing.)

Mrs. Geller: There’s nothing to discuss. We’re not paying for your wine cellar.

Mr. Waltham: (Pleading.) You-you have to meet me in the middle here.

Mr. Geller: (Forcefully.) Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foots going to meet the middle of your ass.

Ross: Dad!! (Emily comes running in.)

Emily: What-what’s going on?!

Ross: Nothing, nothing. Everything's under control.

Mr. Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is that what your saying? (Pointing at Jack and poking him) You want a piece of me?

Ross: (Stepping in between them.)Okay! Okay! That’s it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day!   From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word. NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his mother.) That’s right!!

Mr. Geller: Okay, okay.

Mr. Waltham: Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (Them all walk away. As he leaves he mutters to Jack.) I could kill you with my thumb, you know.

Emily: What was all that about?

Ross: (Sighing.) It was...This disagreement over...(She sighs. Ross notices her in her wedding dress.) My god. You...you look beautiful.

Emily: (Giggles.) Ohh...(She realizes that she’s in her gown.) Oh! You were not meant to see me before the wedding. It’s bad luck.

Ross: You know what, I think we’ve had all the bad luck we’re going to have. (He hugs her.)

(The front entrance. Joey and the bridesmaid are up against the wall kissing. Rachel comes in the door and walks by Joey unnoticed. She walks into the chapel and sees Ross and Emily kissing. She looks as though she wants to cry. Emily walks away and Ross turns and sees Rachel standing there.)

Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.) Your here. I can’t believe it. (She giggles.) What happen? Why are you here?

Rachel: Well I just came...(She touches him near his heart. She’s almost in tears.) I just needed to tell you...(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can barely hold back the tears.)

[Scene: Camera fades to one of the band members playing guitar at the wedding. The chapel is full of guest. A groomsmen escorts a bridesmaid down the isle. Joey is waiting with Mrs. Waltham to escort he down the isle. A cellular phone rings.]

Mrs. Waltham: (Answering the phone.) Hello, Waltham Interiors.

Phoebe: Mrs. Waltham. Hi. It’s Phoebe again.

Mrs. Waltham: (Throws her head back in disgust.) Why?!

Phoebe: Yea. Can I please, please, please talk to one of the best men? This is going to be the last time I promise.

Mrs. Waltham: (Slapping the phone into Joey’s chest.) Joey there’s a girl on the phone for you.

Joey: (Smiling.) Ohh great!! (Putting the phone to his ear.) Hello. (He begins to escort her down the aisle.)

Phoebe: Did you stop Rachel?

Joey: No, but it’s okay. She just came in and gave him a hug, that it.

Phoebe: So nothing got ruined?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Oh that’s so great! Ohh, so what’s going on now?

Joey: Ah, I’m-I’m walking down the aisle...Still walking. (Mrs. Waltham takes her place.) I’m about to pass the bridesmaid I hooked up with last night. (Looking at the bridesmaid.) Hey! (Talking to Phoebe.) I told her "Hey." And now I’m at the front with Ross. It’s Phoebe. (He shows Ross the phone.) He looks pretty mad. Uh...I’d better go.

Phoebe: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it up so I can listen. (Joey looks at Ross and holds the phone above Ross’s shoulder.)

(Chandler escorts Monica down the aisle.)

Chandler: What we did last night was....

Monica: Stupid.

Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. (He nods his head at the people seated.)

Monica: What were we thinking?

Chandler: I’m coming over tonight though, right?

Monica: Oh yeah. Definitely.

(They quickly take their places and Here Comes the Bride Begins to play. Everyone seated looks back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her place by Ross’s side.)

Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily...

Emily: I, Emily...

Minster: Take thee Ross...

Emily: Take thee Ross...

Minster: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Emily: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

Minster: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...

Ross: I Ross...

Minister: Take thee, Emily...

Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.

Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?

(Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the chapel were looking at her as the picture fades to black.)

Closing Credits

End

The One After Ross Says Rachel

Written by: Seth Kurland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Ross’s Wedding, continued from last season, the Minister is about to marry Ross and Emily.]

Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. (Time lapse) Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...

Ross: I Ross...

Minister: Take thee, Emily...

Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.

Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?

Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there?

Emily: Yes, yes, do go on.

Minister: I think we’d better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross…

Ross: I, Ross…

Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY…

Ross: Take thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily. (Chuckles) Like there’d be anybody else. (Emily is glaring at him.)

Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. (Points at her.)

Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the rings) Emily, place this ring on Ross’s finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in Emily’s hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever.

Ross: Happy too.

Minister: Ross and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife.

Ross: Yay!

Minister: You may kiss the bride.

(He goes to kiss her, but she isn’t very receptive of the kiss. She keeps avoiding him, until Ross finally gets to kiss her on her cheek.)

Mrs. Geller: (To Mr. Geller) This is worse than when he married the lesbian.

(The band starts to play, and the recessional starts. Ross tries to take Emily’s hand, but she snatches it away from him.)

Emily: Just keep smiling.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.

Chandler: It could’ve been worse, he could’ve shot her.

(Ross and Emily make it to the lobby.)

Ross: (laughs) That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn’t it?

(Emily gives him a forearm shot across the stomach.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Wedding reception, Ross and Emily are in the bathroom and Emily is yelling at him. Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are standing outside the doorway.]

Emily: (Yelling from inside the bathroom) You’ve spoiled everything! It’s like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?!

Joey: (To the gang) Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right?

Ross: (exiting the bathroom) That-that-that’s all right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. I’ll be right out here. (She slams the door in his face, to the gang) She’s just fixing her makeup.

Emily: I hate you!!

Ross: And, I love you!! (He walks into the living room)

Mr. Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross?

Ross: That’s true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)

(Mrs. Waltham’s phone rings and she answers it.)

Mrs. Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors.

Phoebe: (On the phone, in New York) Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller’s personal physician, Dr. Philange.

Mrs. Waltham: Who?

Phoebe: Yeah, I’ve discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women’s names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own.

Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe.

Phoebe: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too!

(Mrs. Waltham hangs up on her.)

Phoebe: Hello?

(Cut to Chandler and Monica at the buffet table.)

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Oh wow, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I’m just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship.

Monica: I know. How could we have let this happen?

Chandler: Seven times!

Monica: Ugh! Well, y’know, we were away…

Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country…

Monica: I blame London.

Chandler: Bad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.)

Monica: So look umm, while we’re st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right?

Chandler: Well, I don’t see that we have a choice. But, when we’re back home, we don’t do it.

Monica: Only here.

Chandler: Y’know, I saw a wine cellar downstairs…

Monica: I’ll meet you there in two minutes.

Chandler: Okay!

(He throws down his plate and runs to the wine cellar, Monica is about to follow him but is intercepted by Rachel.)

Rachel: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something.

Monica: (impatiently) Now?

Rachel: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can’t pretend that didn’t happen can I?

Monica: Oh, I-I don’t know.

Rachel: Monica, what should I do?

Monica: Just uh, do the right thing. (Uses some breath spray)

Rachel: What?

Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.)

Rachel: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I’m just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant.

Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, he’s married. Married! If you don’t realize that, I can’t help you.

Rachel: Okay, you’re right. You’re right. You can’t help me.

(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller.)

Mrs. Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents?

Mr. Waltham: (walking by) Yes.

Mr. Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak when there’s no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this?

Joey: Hey, what’s up? (He has solved the problem of eating the steak, he’s eating it with his hands.)

(Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running up to him.)

Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar?

Chandler: Forget it, that’s off.

Monica: Why?!

Mr. Waltham: (drunkenly) The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes…

(Joey walks up to them.)

Monica: Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn’t eat meat until she has the babies!

Joey: Well, I figured we’re in another country, so it doesn’t count.

Monica: That’s true.

Chandler: The man’s got a point.

(Cut to Rachel and Ross.)

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: Hi. Sorry, things aren’t working out so well.

Ross: Oh no! It could be better, but it’s gonna be okay, right?

Rachel: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she’s gonna get over this, y’know? I mean, so you said my name! Y’know you just said it ‘cause you saw me there, if you’d have seen a circus freak, you would’ve said, "I take thee circus freak." Y’know, it didn’t mean anything, it’s just a mistake. It didn’t mean anything. Right?

Ross: No! No! Of course it didn’t mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily would think it meant something, y’know, because-because it was you…

Rachel: Right…

Ross: But it absolutely didn’t. (Yelling towards the bathroom) It didn’t!! It didn’t!!

Joey: (approaching) Ross, hey, the band’s ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so…

Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the band’s ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says—I don’t care about the stupid band!!

Joey: You spit on me man! (Wipes his face.)

Ross: Look, I’m sorry.

Joey: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh?

Rachel: (laughs) Y’know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame.

Ross: Oh, right!

Rachel: Get the hell out of there, y’know?

(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when they realize what she just said and run over to the bathroom.)

Ross: (Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily? Emily? I’m coming in. (He opens the door to reveal that the window is gone, along with Emily.)

Rachel: Well, look at that, same thing.

[Scene: London Marriott, Monica and Chandler are walking to her room.]

Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me.

(She laughs and opens the door to reveal Rachel sitting on the bed.)

Monica: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi!

Chandler: Oh, hello Rachel.

Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! (They both just stare at her.) Okay, don’t believe me, I know I’m right—do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink?

Chandler: Yes, we do. But, we have to change first.

Monica: Yes, I want to change. And why-why don’t you go down and get us a table?

Chandler: Yeah, we’ll be down in like five minutes.

Monica: (elbows him) Fifteen minutes.

Rachel: Okay.

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! (To them) It’s Phoebe!

Chandler: Oh, yay…

Monica: Great…

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi, so what happened?

Rachel: Well, Ross said my name.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but I don’t think that means anything.

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, y’know what, let’s look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then…

Chandler: (To Monica) Hey, listen, why don’t we go change in my room?

Monica: But my clothes are—ohh! (They both leave.)

(Cut to Chandler’s room, he opens the door slowly to see if Joey is there and after seeing that he isn’t, ushers Monica into the room, closes the door, and the security bar.)

Chandler: Wow, you look…

Monica: No time for that!

(They both start to frantically rip each other’s clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to open the door.)

Joey: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here!

Chandler: Well, I’ve got a girl in here.

Joey: No you don’t, I just saw you go in there with Monica!

Chandler: Well, we’re-we’re hanging out in here!

Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?

Chandler: Well, I suppose I’d have to say you!! But, what if we’re watching a movie in here?

Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. It’s My Giant!

Joey: My Giant? I love that movie!

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s room, Chandler and Monica are still looking for a place to do the deed.]

Monica: You really think this is okay?

Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily aren’t gonna use it.

Monica: Oh, it’s so beautiful. Ohh! Y’know, I-I don’t know if I feel right about this.

Chandler: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn’t get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay!

(They both run to rip the covers off the bed, but are interrupted by Ross.)

Ross: (entering) Emily?!

Chandler: Nope, not under here!

Monica: You didn’t find her?

Ross: No, I’ve looked everywhere!

Chandler: Well, you couldn’t have looked everywhere or else you would’ve found her!

Monica: Yeah, I think you should keep looking!

Chandler: Yeah, for about 30 minutes.

Monica: Or 45.

Chandler: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. (Monica smiles at that.)

Ross: No! For all I know, she’s trying to find me but couldn’t because I kept moving around. No, from now on, I’m staying in one place. (He sits down on the bed.) Right here.

Monica: Well, it’s getting late.

Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna go.

Ross: Actually, do you guys mind staying here for a while?

Monica: Ugh, y’know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York.

Chandler: Yeah, it’s a very large plane.

Ross: (disappointed) That’s cool.

Chandler: But, we’ll stay here with you.

Ross: Thanks guys! (They both sit down on either side of him.) I really appreciate this, y’know, but you don’t have to rub my butt.

(Chandler slowly takes his hand away.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s room, the next morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in Monica’s lap and his feet on Chandler’s lap. Monica and Chandler are both still awake and depressed.]

Chandler: We have to leave for New York in an hour.

Monica: I know, I’ve been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don’t you think?

Chandler: We can’t do that that’s insane. I mean ‘A’ he could wake up and ‘B’ y’know, let’s go for it.

(They both try to slowly extricate themselves from Ross, but there’s a knock on the door that awakens him.)

Ross: Em-Emily? (Looking around for her.) Em-Emily? (He runs to the door.) Emily! (He opens the door to reveal the Walthams standing outside.)

Mr. Waltham: No.

Mrs. Waltham: You can forget about Emily, she’s not with us.

Mr. Waltham: We’ve come for her things.

Ross: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she?

Mr. Waltham: She’s in hiding. She’s utterly humiliated. She doesn’t want to see you ever again.

Mrs. Waltham: We’re very sad that it didn’t work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you’re absolutely delicious.

Mr. Waltham: Excuse me, I’m standing right here!

Mrs. Waltham: Oh yes, there you are.

Rachel: (entering, carrying an armful of those little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, there’s a whole cart outside… (Sees the Walthams and stops.)

Mr. Waltham: Goodbye Geller.

Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that I’m gonna be at that airport and I hope that she’ll be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachel’s name, but it didn’t mean anything, Okay? She’s-she’s just a friend and that’s all! (Rachel sits down, depressed.) That’s all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that you’ll tell her that.

Mr. Waltham: All right, I’ll tell her. (To his wife) Come on bugger face!

Mrs. Waltham: (As she walks pass Ross, she pats his but.) Call me.

Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why don’t you ever go out the bloody window!

[Scene: A 747 somewhere over the North Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first class, depressed.]

Monica: Y’know, maybe it’s best that we never got to do it again.

Chandler: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. (Realizes something) Y’know, technically we still are over international waters.

Monica: I’m gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I’ll see you there in a bit?

Chandler: ‘Kay!

(Monica gets up and heads for the bathroom, Chandler turns to watch her go and is startled to see Joey sitting in Monica’s seat.)

Joey: Can I ask you something?

Chandler: Uhh, no.

Joey: Felicity and I, we’re watching My Giant, and I was thinking, "I’m never gonna be as good an actor as that giant." Do you think I’m just wasting my life with this acting thing?

Chandler: No.

Joey: I mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y’know, you think I’ll ever get there?

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: Thanks man.

Chandler: Okay man. (Chandler starts to get up.)

Joey: But what about how much taller he is than me?

(Time lapse, Chandler is finishing his third little bottle of booze.)

Joey: I mean, there’s no way I can make myself taller now, y’know? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man?

(Monica returns.)

Joey: Hey, Monica, wow you’ve been in the bathroom for like a half-hour.

Monica: I know!

Joey: Had the beef-tips, huh?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hi!

(They all hug.)

Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had sex! (They’re shocked.)

Chandler: No we didn’t!

Phoebe: I know you didn’t, I was talking about Monica.

Monica: Phoebe, I did not have sex.

Phoebe: This pregnancy is throwing me all off.

Joey: All right, I’m gonna go say hi the chick and the duck.

Phoebe: Oh, me too!

Joey: Why would you need to say hi to them, you’ve been feeding them for four days?

Phoebe: Oh right, maybe I’ll just go home.

(She grabs her bag and leaves, Joey moves a little quicker to his apartment, leaving Monica and Chandler alone.)

Monica: Well, we certainly are alone.

Chandler: Yes! Good thing we have that, ‘Not in New York’ rule.

Monica: Right. Umm, listen since we’re-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross’s mother…

Chandler: Right.

Monica: Well, an-anyway, I just—that night meant a lot to me, I guess I’m just trying to say thanks.

Chandler: Oh. Y’know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn’t because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me ‘cause, you’re really hot! Is that okay?

Monica: (laughs) That’s okay.

Chandler: And I’m cute too.

Monica: And you’re cute too.

Chandler: Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I gotta go unpack.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Bye.

(After he closes the door, Monica starts to follow him, but thinks better of it and stops.)

Chandler: (entering) I’m still on London time, does that count?

Monica: That counts!

Chandler: Oh, good! (They start kissing.)

[Scene: An airport in London, Ross is waiting for Emily to show up to go on their honeymoon and sees Rachel walking past.]

Ross: Rach! Rach!

Rachel: (she stops and turns) Hi!

Ross: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here?

Rachel: Well, I-I-I’ve been on Standby for a flight home for hours.

Ross: Oh.

Rachel: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh?

Ross: Not yet.

Rachel: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave?

Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.

Ross: Pretty soon I guess.

Rachel: Yeah. I’m sorry.

Ross: I just, I don’t understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y’know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she’d actually show up?

Rachel: No, you’re not an idiot, Ross. You’re a guy very much in love.

Ross: Same difference.

Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board.

Ross: I get it! Well, that’s that.

Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should go.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it’d be really good.

Ross: Oh, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t know…

Rachel: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you!

Ross: I could, yeah, I can do that.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: I can’t, I can’t even believe her! No, y’know what, I am, I am gonna go!

Rachel: Good!

Ross: I know, why not?

Rachel: Right!

Ross: Right?

Rachel: Right!

Ross: Y’know—thanks! (They hug)

Rachel: Okay, I’ll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here.

Ross: Yeah, well…nah.

Rachel: What? Wait, what?

Ross: Why don’t you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not?

Rachel: Well-well, I don’t know Ross—really?

Ross: Yeah, yeah, it’ll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Ross: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend.

Rachel: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that!

Ross: Okay!

Rachel: Okay!

Ross: Cool!

Rachel: All right!

Ross: Come on! (They go to the jetway, Ross hands the tickets to the gate agent.) Here.

Rachel: Oh, okay, we’re going. Yeah.

Ross: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket!

Rachel: Oh, wait-wait-wait…

Ross: You tell them to wait!

Rachel: Okay. Wait! Wait!

(Ross retrieves his jacket and sees that not only has Emily arrived, but she as seen Rachel take her place on the plane.)

Ross: Emily.

(She stares at him and Ross realizes what she’s thinking.)

Ross: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! (Emily starts to run out and Ross chases her.) No! No! Emily!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering a drink for Ross and herself.]

Rachel: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot and uh, (points to Ross’s seat.) he will have a white wine spritzer. Woo! (Looks out the window.) Hey, look at that, the airport’s moving. (Realizes that that’s not how it works.) Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? Hey, time-out, umm, yeah, does the captain know that we’re moving? (Sits back in defeat.) Oh my God. Oh, my gosh.

End

The One With All The Kissing

Written by: Wil Calhoun

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Bathroom, Chandler and Monica are sharing a candlelight bubble bath while drinking champagne and they clink their glasses.]

Monica: You look cute in bubbles.

Chandler: Ehh, you're just liquored up.

(They move into kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.)

Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in!

(Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler's doing.)

Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day.

Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some?

Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.

Joey: Okay.

(Joey turns to leave but stops at the door.)

Joey: You sure? Some extra crispy? Dirty rice? Beans?

Chandler: For the last time no! Get out! Get out, Joey!

Joey: All right!

(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)

Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.

Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken.

Chandler: Hey Joe!

(Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.)

Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in

pain as Monica grabs him underwater)-Diet Coke.

(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey, Pheebs!

Joey: Mornin' Pheebs!

Phoebe: I have to tell you this story. Okay, I was coming over here and this driver…

Joey: (interrupting) Was his name Angus? (Monica and Chandler laugh.)

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Oh, he was this cab driver we had in London.

Phoebe: Oh. Ha-ha-ha. All right, anyway…

Monica: Wait, what that place, that pub he took us too?

Chandler: Uh, The Wheatsheaf.

Joey: Yeah-yeah-yeah, and they had that beer! That uh…

Monica: Bodington's!

All: Bodington's! Woohoo! (And they all high-five each other.)

Chandler: Ooh! Ahh, Pheebs, was gonna tell a story.

Phoebe: Yeah, so, he had a really funny hat—I don't want to talk about it.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Joey: Hey, Ross, Bodington's!

Ross: Yeah! (They high-five.)

Joey: That was good beer.

Ross: Ohh…

Joey: Y'know, I'd walk back to London for another frosty one of those bad boys.

Ross: Y'know, I think they have those at that British pub near the trade center.

Joey: Later! (Exits.)

Ross: Isn't Rachel supposed to be back by now?

Monica: Yeah, but her plane got delayed in Athens. But actually, (Checks watch) she should be here by now.

Ross: Oh, so-so you talked to her. Did she, did she sound mad?

Monica: No, but she likes me. You abandoned her on a plane to Greece.

Ross: Okay, I did not abandon Rachel! Okay? Emily showed up at the airport! I had to go after her! I mean, I-I did what I had to do! She's my wife! Rachel is my wife! Y'know—Emily! Emily, is my wife! Man, what is that?

Phoebe: So you still hadn't heard from Emily?

Ross: No, not since I lost her at the airport.

Chandler: I can't believe she can out run you man!

Ross: HEY, SHE'S FAST!! OKAY?!! (Chandler is so shocked at Ross's outburst that he drops his spoon and backs up) Oh! You-you think you can be beat me? Let's go! Outside!!

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

All: Hey! (They all go hug her, except for Ross.)

Ross: Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so sorry.

Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! You just did what you had to do.

Ross: That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must've been terrible.

Rachel: Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! That was a nice hotel! Nice beach, met the nice people. Not to shabby for Rachel. (Goes and puts her luggage away.)

Ross: So, what? That's it?

Rachel: Well, yeah! We're cool. Totally cool.

Ross: Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best. (They hug.)

Rachel: Oh no, you're the best.

Ross: (breaking the hug) Ohh, I gotta go to the flower store! (Runs to the door.) Check it out, no one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That oughta get her talking to me again.

Chandler: Oh, Ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY.

(Ross bangs his fists together to tell Chandler off, like what was learned last season. Read about it here.)

Monica: Rach, that's great! It's so good that you had a good time in Greece!

Rachel: What?! I didn't have a good time in Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, "Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying?" I mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know why, because I make very bad decisions.

Chandler: Oh that's not true.

Rachel: Yes it is! It is true! I went, I went after Ross in stupid London.

Phoebe: London is stupid! Stupid!

Rachel: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me.

Phoebe: Oh… No, I did that for someone once and I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life.

Monica: I'll do it!

Rachel: That's fine. So Monica, you are now in control of my love life.

Chandler: Okay, I gotta go to work.

(He gets up and gives Monica a rather passionate kiss as Rachel and Phoebe look on in amazement. After the kiss ends, Chandler suddenly realizes what he just did, so he decides to do something rather rash.)

Chandler: And uh, Rachel, glad to have you back.

(He goes over and gives Rachel the same treatment he gave Monica, only Rachel is shocked.)

Chandler: Pheebs! (He goes over and kisses Phoebe, who is also stunned.) Always a pleasure. (And he struts out leaving the girls to stare at each other.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Chandler and Joey are there looking at pictures from the trip to London.]

Monica: Oh, Rachel, sweetie, look, here's a really cute picture of Joey and you at the reception.

Rachel: Ohh, he's married! Ross is married. I can't—I still can't believe it. (Rachel grabs the picture from Monica)

Monica: Honey, sweetie, by the edges.

Rachel: I mean, y'know I'm just gonna have to accept it (She grabs the rest of the pictures)…

Monica: Ohh. (Monica covers her eyes in horror.)

Rachel: …I mean it's my fault.

Monica: Sweetie! Edges! Fingers! Smudgey! Pictures!

Rachel: Oh my God! (She licks the top picture and hands them back.)

Monica: Okay. That's okay. I-I know that you're very upset right now. I know, I know that wasn't about me.

Joey: (To Chandler) I bet it was about her a little.

Monica: If you would stop thinking about Ross for one minute you would notice that there are great guys everywhere! I mean, look! Look, Gunther! (Gunther turns to listen in.) I mean, he's nice, he's cute.

Rachel: Yeah, I guess Gunther is kinda…

Monica: (Interrupting) Oh, what about that guy over there? (She points at another guy and Gunther is deflated.) Remember? That is the guy you flirted with at the counter that time.

Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

Monica: You're going to talk to him! Y'know what? We made a deal, I make your decisions and I say you're going to talk to him.

Rachel: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta do what you tell me.

Joey: Say that to him and you're golden. (She just glares at him.)

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey, Pheebs!

Monica: We got out pictures back from London. (Shows her one.) Here's all of us at the Tower of London.

Phoebe: (Grabs the pictures) Oh! Here we all are! Yeah, there's Ross and Joey and you and me. (She picks up a magic marker and draws herself in. Monica can't watch.)

Chandler: All right, y'know what, we've been talking about London too much haven't we?

Phoebe: No. I'm sorry. It's just 'cause I couldn't be there. 'Cause all I ever get to do now is pregnant stuff, it just bums me out.

All: Sorry.

(Rachel returns.)

Monica: What happened?

Rachel: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of that. Got myself a date tomorrow night.

Monica: See, didn't I tell you?! You're getting over Ross already!

Rachel: Well…

(Gunther goes up to the guy and holds a sign that reads, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.")

Gunther: (To the guy) Get out!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters to find Monica waiting patiently for him. He closes the door and they start kissing.]

Monica: What took you so long?

Chandler: I got caught up and work, but I'm quitting tomorrow.

Monica: Oh, good.

(They start kissing and turn around so that Chandler is facing the door. And Chandler sees Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey walk in and quickly ends the kiss with Monica.)

Chandler: So, thanks for having me over! Rach. (Goes over, grabs her, and kisses her.) Pheebs. (After a moment while he decides how to kiss her around her belly, grabs her and kisses her.)

Joey: (Jumping out of his way) See ya!! (To the girls.) What the hell was that?!

Monica: Probably some y'know, European good-bye thing he picked up in London.

Rachel: That's not European!

Phoebe: Well, it felt French.

(Joey is intrigued.)

[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Rachel is returning from her date with Dave.]

Rachel: Oh God, I really had a good time!

Dave: Yeah, me too. (They reach her door.) So, I guess this is it.

Rachel: Yeah. Umm, unless you wanna come inside?

Dave: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay. Oh, uh, wait a minute, y'know what? I uh, I can't decide this. Umm, okay, just hold on a second.

Dave: Okay, yeah!

(She enters the apartment, leaving Dave in the hallway, to find Ross sitting on the couch with a big box.)

Rachel: Umm, hi!

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Is Monica around? I-I have to ask her something.

Ross: She's doing her laundry.

Rachel: What's that? (Points to the box.)

Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch!

Rachel: Oh, honey that's awful.

Ross: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while.

Rachel: But, it's not raining.

Ross: I can't catch a break!

Rachel: Y'know what Ross? You're not going anywhere. You're gonna sit right here. I'm gonna make you a cup of tea and we're gonna talk this thing whole out. All right? (She goes out to talk to Dave) Hey, Dave!

Dave: Yeah?

Rachel: Umm, listen, I'm gonna need to take a rain check, my roommate is just really sick. Okay? Bye! (She goes back in to talk to Ross.) Honey, listen, I know, I know things seem so bad right now.

Monica: (Poking her head in) Rach? Can I talk to for just a minute? I-I dropped some socks.

Rachel: Yeah. (She goes out to join her in the hall and starts looking for the dropped socks.)

Monica: What is the matter with you?! Do you want to fall into the trap? Do you want to fall into the trap?!

Rachel: Ohh! You did not drop any socks!

Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do?

Rachel: Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, I-I wanted…tell him y'know, that I'm still in love with him.

Monica: (Gasps) What?!! You cannot tell him that!!

Rachel: Why? Why not?! People love to hear that!

Monica: I make the decisions, and I say no.

Rachel: Well, y'know what, no, you do not make my decisions because y'know what, you're fired.

Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha!

Rachel: Well… (At a loss for words, she grabs some of Monica's laundry and throws it on the floor as a diversion to allow Rachel to run back inside and close the door. Monica chases her to find that Rachel had locked the door.)

Monica: Rachel!! Come on! Let me in!

Joey: (Poking his head out.) Havin' some trouble?

Monica: Rachel locked the door.

Joey: I'll kick that door in if you give me a little sugar.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The hallway, continued from earlier. Monica is still locked out.]

Monica: Rachel! Let me in! Rachel!

[Cut to inside the apartment, Ross decides to let Monica in and goes over and opens the door in mid-pound.]

Monica: Thank you. Rachel, can I talk to you outside for a sec?

Rachel: No.

Monica: I really need to talk to you.

Rachel: Well, then talk!

Monica: Okay, I will. Remember that thing that we just discussed that you wanted to do?

Rachel: Yes!

Ross: What thing?

Monica: Well, Rachel wants to take swing dance lessons. Which I think is a really stupid idea! It's dangerous, she's never gonna get what she wants, and who knows who she might (Turns to look at Ross) end up hurting.

Ross: Monica's right, swing dancing can be tricky. I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. (Looks at the rose mulch.) My God, think of the massacre.

Rachel: I'm gonna do it.

Monica: All right, Rachel, I know-I know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't.

Rachel: But I…

Monica: Please!

Rachel: All right, fine.

(There's a loud bang on the door.)

Monica: Joey, I'm in!

Joey: (In tremendous pain) All right. Good deal.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters.]

All: Pheebs! Hey Pheebs!

Joey: Uh, okay, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: Umm, y'know how the other day you were talking about how you didn't get to go to London and how you were kinda feeling left out?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: All right, well, we felt really bad about that so we decided we should all take a little trip together!

Phoebe: Ohh, that's so nice! How great! Well, where? Where's the trip?!

Monica: Well, we thought we would all go to a picnic (Phoebe gasps), in Central Park!

Phoebe: (excited) Central…(not so excited) Park!

Joey: Yeah, all of us! All day!

Phoebe: That sucks! That's not a trip! I just came from the park! What are we gonna high five about at the stupid Central Park? "Well, it's right by my house, all right!"

Chandler: Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. (Gets up to leave.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and I just—y'know—stop it!

Chandler: I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group.

Phoebe: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth.

Monica: Makes me wanna puke! (Chandler looks at her, quizzically.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are there as Ross enters with Phoebe.]

Ross: Hey everybody, Pheebs is here!

Joey: Phoebe!

Chandler: Hey, Pheebs!

Rachel: Phoebe, woo!

Phoebe: Okay, woo! Hi.

Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little… Y'know, it didn't have any… It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City!

Phoebe: Ooh, Atlantic City! Oh, that's a great plan! Who's plan was that?

Joey: Mine!

Ross: Wait! It was my plan.

Joey: Nooo, I said we needed a new plan.

Ross: And, I came up with Atlantic City.

Joey: Which, is the new plan!

Monica: Okay, well, why don't we all meet upstairs in an hour?

Phoebe: Okay! Ooh-ahh, I'm gonna go pack. I'm gonna go pack my ass off!

(They all go pack except for Ross.)

Monica: Come on Rach, let's go.

Rachel: Yeah, y'know what? I'm-I'm gonna meet you upstairs in a minute.

Monica: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so you can't tell him.

Rachel: Well, y'know what, that doesn't matter.

Monica: Okay, Rachel, do you have any idea how painful it is to tell someone that you love them and not have them say it back?

Rachel: Yeah, I-I don't care.

Monica: Okay. I-I can't watch. (Leaves as sits down to read the paper.)

Rachel: What 'cha readin'?

Ross: The paper.

Rachel: Yeah, what's it about?

Ross: Events from around the globe.

Rachel: Okay. Uhh, Ross, y'know what, there's something that I-that I have to talk to you about and everybody's saying that I shouldn't tell you, but I think they're wrong. I mean, and you know how people can be wrong.

Ross: Sure. Once, at work I-I thought carbon dating was fossilized…

Rachel: Okay, Ross, I'm really trying to tell you something here.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Go ahead.

Rachel: Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, (pause) I'm still in love with you Ross.

(Ross is stunned.)

Ross: Wow. Umm… Huh… I'm-I'm not sure what to do with that right now.

(Rachel starts laughing hysterically.)

Ross: What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's mean.

Rachel: (Laughing) I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious.

Ross: Why are you laughing?

Rachel: Because (laughs), because, I just heard it. I heard it, and it's ridiculous! I mean, you're married. You're-you're married and it's just ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when said it, I sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know? And, and-and then I heard myself say it and then the floating Rachel (laughs) was like, "You are such an idiot!"

Ross: Well, well I am married. Even though I haven't spoken to my wife since the wedding.

Rachel: (laughs) I'm sorry, that's not funny.

Ross: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't know where my wife is. (Laughs) "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?" Don't know!

Rachel: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think that you just forget that I told you this?

Ross: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is…

Rachel: The thing is y'know, that you're married to Emily.

Ross: That is what the thing is.

Rachel: Ross, things aren't gonna be weird between us, right? I mean was that just the stupidest thing, me telling you that?

Ross: No. No. No, I'm-I'm glad you did. Look, if nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone tells you they love you.

Rachel: That's what I said! Thank you for being so nice. (They hug.)

Ross: No thank you for… Thank you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is about ready to leave for Atlantic City.]

Ross: Okay, let's go!

Chandler: Atlantic City!

Phoebe: Atlantic City, baby! Let's roll some bones! Hey Joey, high-five for rolling bones!

(They high-five and howl, but Phoebe suddenly stops and the guys gasp and retreat in shock.)

Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you're leaking?

Monica: Oh my God! You're water broke!

The Guys: Ohh!

Phoebe: All right. Well, don't worry, I call shotgun! (She starts out the door.)

All: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait-wait!

Chandler: Pheebs! We have to take you to the hospital now!

Ross: Pheebs, Pheebs, the babies are coming now.

Rachel: High-five, the babies are coming! (They all high-five.)

Phoebe: Wait, wait, remember when my water broke? (They all high-five again.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, they are taking Phoebe to the hospital but Chandler and Monica hold back.]

Monica: I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies!

Chandler: I know, it's beautiful. Amazing.

(They both kiss.)

Chandler: Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having sex.

Monica: Do you know anything about women?

Chandler: No.

Monica: That's all right.

Chandler: Okay. (They kiss again.)

End

The One Hundredth

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving with Ross, Joey, and Rachel in tow.]

Phoebe: (to the nurse) Hi.

Nurse: Hi.

Phoebe: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me.

Nurse: Okay. Have you started having contractions?

Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt?

Nurse: Well…

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Ross: It's all right.

Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross)

Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.

Nurse: (not sure what to do with that) Okay…

Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!

Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This (His video camera) is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts?

Phoebe: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me!

(Monica and Chandler come running in.)

Ross: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did!

(There's a pause as they figure out what to say.)

Monica: Well, we-we had to go back because I forget my jacket.

Chandler: That's right.

(Both Rachel and Ross stare at her for a moment.)

Rachel: You-you're not wearing a jacket.

Monica: Oh man! I did it again!

Phoebe: (standing up) Okay, so umm, somebody has to call Frank and Alice. (As she is talking Joey is sticking the camera under her skirt.) And then my mom wants to know-(notices Joey)-Joey, what are you doing?!

Joey: I gotta get the before shot!

(She shakes her head no.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Ross are entering.]

Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.

Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!

Ross: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay.

Phoebe: That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your vagina!

Rachel: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful.

Ross: Yeah, he's head of the department.

Phoebe: All right—Ooh! Oh dead God, save me!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: I'm having my first contraction!

Chandler: Oh no.

Phoebe: Ooh, it's not bad.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Oh! (In an announcer type voice) And so the miracle of life begins, and aaiiyyyeeee! (He grabs his side and doubles over in pain.)

Chandler: Hey! You okay?

Joey: Ooh, something hurts!

Phoebe: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so sweet!

Joey: Are they? I didn't know I cared that much.

(The doctor, Dr. Harad, enters.)

Ross: Hello.

Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going to be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. (Exits)

Chandler: Did he just say, he loves Fonzie?

Monica: That's what it sounded like.

Chandler: All right…

Frank: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Frank: (To Phoebe) Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right?

Phoebe: No-no-no! We haven't started yet. Where's Alice?

Frank: Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though, so until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach. But don't worry, she told me all about the la-Mazada stuff.

Chandler: Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing.

Frank: Yeah.

[Scene: The waiting room, Monica and Joey are sitting there.]

Rachel: (entering) Monica? You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.

Joey: Oh my!

Rachel: They're male nurses.

Joey: Not in my head.

Rachel: Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night! What do you say?

Monica: Umm. (Looks at Chandler who is using the phone.) Umm. Umm. I don't think so.

Rachel: What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go.

Monica: Umm, why don't you give me something that would be a good reason and-and then I'll tell you if it's true.

Rachel: What?

Monica: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it?

Rachel: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O with them.

Joey: (in a sexy voice) Yep! There's always room for Jell-O…

Rachel: Joey, how do you make that dirty?

Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, (snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad…

[Scene: The delivery room, Chandler, Frank, and Ross are with Phoebe.]

Joey: (entering) Ross! Get a shot of this. (He's carrying an issue of the USA Today and hands Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you were born! Okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies… (Throws the paper away to reveal a copy of Playpen, which is the TV version of Playboy Magazine.) Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera in it.)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt either—Ooh, yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! (Checks under the blanket.) Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it.

Ross: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway?

Joey: Oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. Maybe they're with them.

Chandler: Really? Male nurses?

Joey: Yeah, I was bummed too.

Chandler: So they're going on dates? When?

Joey: I think Saturday—(groans in pain again).

Frank: (To Phoebe) What's with him?

Phoebe: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder.

Dr. Harad: (entering) Okay!

Phoebe: Hey.

Dr. Harad: Let's see what we got here. Ohh, y'know, Fonzie dated triplets.

Chandler: This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor?

Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz.

Chandler: All right.

(Dr. Harad exits.)

Frank: It's not that weird, is it?

Phoebe: It's very weird! I don't want some guy down there telling me, I'm y'know, dilatedamundo!

Ross: To be fair, he doesn’t seem to be impersonating Fonzie…

Phoebe: (interrupting) What are you doing?!! Why are you defending him?! Just get me another doctor! One who is not crazy and who is not Fonzie!

Ross: Again, it's not that he…

(Phoebe fakes pain to get Ross looking for another doctor.)

[Scene: The waiting room, Chandler is looking for Monica.]

Chandler: (spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are!

Monica: Umm, listen there's something I think you should know.

Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around.

Monica: Umm, actually I was about to tell you that I was, I was going to get out of it, but hey, if we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will go out with him.

Chandler: Fine! Maybe I will too!

Joey: (entering from the elevator caring gifts for the kids) Hey, you guys! Look what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in front an old man in a wheel chair.) Get up! Get up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.)

[Scene: The delivery room, Ross has returned with another doctor. This one, is well, younger.]

Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings about Fonzie or any of the Happy Days gang.

Phoebe: Hi! And you're going into what grade?

Dr. Oberman: Umm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot, you see, I-I graduated early…

Phoebe: (interrupting) Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that I'd be needing a grown up doctor.

Dr. Oberman: Oh no, I'm fully qualified to…

Phoebe: Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm gonna be having babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go!

(He runs out and Frank watches him go.)

Frank: Oh cool! You made him cry!

[Scene: Another hospital room, Joey has now been admitted and his doctor is about to break the bad news to him, Monica, and Chandler.]

Joey's Doctor: Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've got kidney stones.

Joey: Umm, well, what else could it be?

Joey's Doctor: It's kidney stones.

Joey: Or?

Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones!

[Scene: The delivery room, Dr. Harad is back and checking on Phoebe.]

Dr. Harad: All right, you're getting there. Oh, and y'know, these babies are very, very lucky.

Phoebe: They are. Why?

Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday.

Phoebe: Happy birthday!

Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. (Phoebe nods in agreement as he leaves.)

Rachel: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.

Phoebe: I know, it is.

Rachel: Yeah!

Phoebe: Can I tell you a little secret?

Rachel: Yeah!

Phoebe: I want to keep one. (Giggles in excitement.)

Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The delivery room, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you cannot keep one of these babies!

Phoebe: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know!

Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to keep all of their children!

Phoebe: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just because I didn't ask! Y'know?

Rachel: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane.

Phoebe: Oh, just ask him!

Rachel: Me?!

Phoebe: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out!

Rachel: No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his kids!!

Phoebe: You're right.

(There's an awkward silence then suddenly Phoebe gets an idea.)

Phoebe: Tell him it's for you.

[Scene: Joey's room, his doctor, Chandler, and Monica are there.]

Monica: Feeling a little better sweetie?

Joey: Well, maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen me throw up.

Monica: Me too.

Ross: (entering) Hey! I just heard. What's up?

Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra…

Joey: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an option—what's a urethra? (Monica whispers what it is in his ear.) Are you crazy?!

[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Frank are there.]

Phoebe: (To Rachel) So did you ask him?

Rachel: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet.

Phoebe: Well, I'm kinda on a clock here.

Dr. Harad: (laughing) Oh Fonzie.

Rachel: Y'know who I always liked? Mork.

(Dr. Harad drops what he's doing and stares at her.)

Phoebe: Undo it. Undo it. Undo it.

Dr. Harad: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie.

Rachel: Yeah, but umm… Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right?

Dr. Harad: Yeah, that's right.

Monica: (entering with Chandler) Hey!

Phoebe: Hi!

Monica: (To Phoebe) How are you doing?

Phoebe: Okay, doctor says any minute now.

Frank: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in?

Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do.

(A male nurse enters.)

Male Nurse: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Male Nurse: Rachel.

Rachel: Monica, this is Dan (points to him), one of the guys that we're gonna be going out with on Saturday. (Mouths "He's yours." to her.) Uh Dan, Monica.

Dan: Nice to meet you.

Monica: Hello Dan! I'm really looking forward to Saturday night! Really, really!

Chandler: So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it?

Monica: Chandler!

Dan: Nah that's okay. I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school.

Chandler: Oh.

Dan: And it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf War.

Chandler: Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)

Monica: So, why wait 'til Saturday, are you free tomorrow?

Dan: Sure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift.

Monica: Oh, great!

Chandler: (to another female nurse) Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night?

Delivery Room Nurse: No.

Chandler: All right. Very good.

Phoebe: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!!

[Cut to Joey's room, who's going throw his own contractions. Plus, he has Ross in a headlock.]

Joey: Ohh, get these things out of me!

Ross: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain.

(Joey starts breathing hard)

Joey: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! (He starts rocking back and forth, taking Ross with him.)

Ross: I do too! I do too!

Joey: Argh!

Ross: Argh!

Joey: Argh!

Ross: Argh!

[Scene: The waiting room, Frank is on the phone as Rachel approaches.]

Frank: Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye! (To Rachel) Hi!

Rachel: Hi!

Frank: That was Alice's mom, she said she left five hours ago. She should be here by now!

Rachel: Oh, honey, don’t worry. She's gonna make it on time.

Frank: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah. So Frank, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh?

Frank: (laughs) Not to me.

Rachel: Yeah, fair enough.

[Scene: The delivery room, later on, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Frank are there as Dr. Harad is checking out Phoebe.]

Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies. All right, I want only the father in here please.

(They all kiss her and wish her luck.)

Monica: Bye Dan!

Dan: Uh, bye Monica.

Chandler: Bye, momi-moo.

(Everyone except Frank leaves.)

Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31.

Phoebe: What is that?

(Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme song comes on.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's time to start pushing.

[Cut to Joey's room, his doctor and Ross are there.]

Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try peeing. (Joey makes a face like he is trying to pee.) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time to try peeing. (Points at the bottle Joey is to pee into.)

[Cut to the delivery room.]

Dr. Harad: Okay, now push! That's it push! Just concentrate on pushing! Yeah, here we go!

Dan: I see the head.

Frank: Yes, it has a head!

Dr. Harad: All right. Keep pushing! Come on!

Frank: I can't believe there's somebody coming out of you right now. There's somebody coming out of you! Is it? Is it? It's my son.

Dr. Harad: All right. Here's your first baby.

[Cut to the waiting room, a triumphant Frank rushes in.]

Frank: YESSSSS!!!!! We got a baby boy!!

Chandler: Yes!

Frank: Frank Jr. Jr.!!

Rachel: Oh, how does he look? How does he look?

Frank: So gross! (He runs back to the delivery room.)

[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is about to give birth to the middle kid.]

Dr. Harad: Okay. You ready to push again?

Phoebe: I already had a baby. Leave me alone.

Frank: Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You can do it!

(Phoebe screams in pain, and Frank screams with her.)

[Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant Frank returns.]

Frank: Yeah!! Little Leslie is here! We got another one! Oh my God, I can't believe I have two-two children. How scary is that? (He returns to the delivery room.)

[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is at it for the last time.]

Frank: Come on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little Chandler! Come on!

Dr. Harad: All right, he's coming. He's coming!

(They both stare at the newborn.)

Frank: Hey, where's his thing?

[Cut to the waiting room, a thrice triumphant Frank returns again.]

Frank: Chandler's a girl!

Chandler: Oh God, kindergarten flashback.

Frank: They musta read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl!

Chandler: Okay, keep saying it!

Alice: (running in from the elevator) Am I too late?!

Frank: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes.

Alice: We have our babies?

Frank: Yeah.

Alice: (Starting to cry) Oh, we have our babies.

(They hug. And quickly that hug turns into a heated make out session, right there on the waiting room couch. Chandler, Rachel, and Monica quickly make their exits.)

[Scene: Joey's room, he is recovering from his birth.]

Joey: Oh my God.

Ross: You did it, man.

Joey's Doctor: Would you like to see them? (He hands Joey a little jar.)

Joey: They're so small! (Both he and Ross look at them with satisfied looks on their faces.)

[Scene: A hallway, Monica and Dan are talking.]

Dan: So, I'll call you tomorrow.

Monica: Great!

(Dan leaves as Chandler enters.)

Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?

Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof around with him.

Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary… Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.

Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.

Chandler: Really? Okay, so…

Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop.

Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?

Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around.) Don't do the dance.

Chandler: Right!

[Scene: The delivery room, everyone except Rachel is there. Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are holding the babies.]

Monica: I think you're my favorite.

Phoebe: Which one do you have?

Monica: I don't care.

Rachel: (entering) Hi. (To Phoebe) Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that they're still outside making phone calls.

Phoebe: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, y'know…

Rachel: Yeah, umm, no honey.

Phoebe: Oh. It was a long shot. Hey, you guys can I just like have a second alone with the babies.

All: Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah.

(They hand her the babies and leave them alone.)

Phoebe: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! (Imitates the high fives.) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! (One of the babies begins to cry.) Well, if you're gonna cry. (She starts crying.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: The delivery room, everyone is hanging out with Phoebe. Frank, Alice, and the kids aren't there.]

Monica: Phoebe, we are so proud of you! You're amazing!

Phoebe: I know.

Rachel: So does it really hurt as bad as they say?

Phoebe: Yeah. You won't be able to take it.

Chandler: So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?

Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.

Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?

Phoebe: Works on you.

End

The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS

Written by: Michael Curtis

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just gotten home and is going through the mail. She finds something that's Monica's and goes over and knocks on her closed bedroom door.]

Monica: (In a sexy voice) Come in. I've been waiting for you.

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi! I just wanna-(sees Monica)-Ahhh!!! Oh my God! (She runs out in horror.) Oh my God!

Monica: (pulling on a robe) Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um, I was taking a nap.

Rachel: Since when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy!

Monica: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. (Thinks) I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha!

Rachel: (Gasps) That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?

Monica: Uh-huh, that one!

Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. (There's a knock on the door.) Maybe that's him. (Goes to answer the door.)

Monica: (Panicking) Okay, umm, okay, umm… (Rachel opens the door.) It's just Joey and Ross.

Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?

Joey: Well, we were! But Ross was talking so loud on his phone they threw us out!

Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!

Joey: (to Monica and Rachel) He's talking to London!

Monica: But why?! Did he get in touch with Emily?

Joey: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.

Ross: (on phone) I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name you prissy, old twit!

Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family.

Chandler: (entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that Monica is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are eating breakfast.]

Joey: (entering, wearing a tux) Hey!

Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux!

Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.

Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited on—y'know what, what you up to Joe?

Joey: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as co-host!

Monica: Oh that's great!

Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do!

Phoebe: Ugh, PBS!

Monica: What's wrong with PBS?

Phoebe: Ugh, what's right with them?

Joey: Why don’t you like PBS, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Okay, 'cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever wrote back.

Chandler: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.

Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain! And by that time I was living in a box. I didn't have keys!

Joey: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just wanted to do a good deed. Like-like you did with the babies.

Phoebe: This isn't a good deed, you just wanted to get on TV! This is totally selfish.

Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What about you, having those babies for your brother? Talk about selfish!

Phoebe: What-what are you talking about?!

Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel really good right?

Phoebe: Yeah. So?

Joey: It made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deeds, sorry.

Phoebe: Yes there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless.

Joey: Well, may I ask for one example?

Phoebe: Yeah, it's… Y'know there's—no you may not!

(They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the point. Chandler, meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.)

Joey: That's because all people are selfish.

Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?!

Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right?

Phoebe: I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you, you evil genius.

(Ross's phone rings and he answers it.)

Ross: (on phone) Hello.

Emily: (on phone from London) Hello, Ross?

Ross: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Emily! (He picks up a lamp and hands it to Chandler, for no reason.) It's Emily everyone! Shush-shush-shhst! (to Emily) Hi!

Emily: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives. Good-bye!

Ross: No wait! Look, wait! Okay, you can hang up, but I'm gonna keep calling! I'm gonna, I'm gonna call everyone in England if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me!

Emily: Really? About what?

Ross: Look you're my wife. We're-we're married. Y'know? I-I love you. I-I really miss you.

Emily: I miss you to. Well, at least I think I do.

Ross: (to the gang, whispering) She's talking.

All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he goes off to talk to Emily in private.)

Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause, you meant?

Joey: That he doesn't exist.

Phoebe: Right. (She turns and opens her eyes in shock.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?

Chandler: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him.

Rachel: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man?

Monica: Ohh, he's really shy. I-I don’t think he's up to meeting everyone yet.

Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.

Rachel: I don’t care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had!

(Chandler is quite pleased with that statement.)

Chandler: Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that?

Monica: I might've said that. (Chandler laughs.) Why is that funny?

Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you lucky dog!

Ross: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.

Chandler: Yes!

Monica: That's great!

Ross: In London!

Monica: What?!

Ross: She wants me to move to London.

Monica: But you live here! (Ross rolls his eyes.) You know that.

Rachel: What-what-what are you gonna do?

Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to London with Ben.

Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife.

Ross: It could happen.

[Scene: Unitel Video, Studio 55, Joey's telethon, he is being shown around by the stage director.]

Joey: (To the pledge volunteers) How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya!

Stage Director: This will be your phone.

Joey: That's great. But uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls.

Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges.

Joey: But I'm the host!

Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.

Joey: You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Remoray.

Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there.]

Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass!

Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.

Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!

Chandler: (entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?

Monica: Sure!

Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?

Rachel: Chandler! (Pause) Is he?

Monica: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend.

Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. (He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's on the phone with Emily.]

Ross: All right Emily, as much as I love you, I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben.

Emily: I understand that would be difficult.

Ross: Yeah, would you please consider moving here? I mean you were gonna move here anyway, why can't you just do that?

Emily: I don't know, it's just…

Ross: Oh-oh-okay, but-but I know, that even though I've been a-a complete idiot up 'til now, I mean, I mean you-you-you have to come here. You have to come here so we can work this out.

Emily: All right.

Ross: All right, did you just say all right?

Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot.

Ross: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's gonna be so great! We're gonna be like-like-like two idiots in love!

(She laughs.)

Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still.

Ross: Yes, tell me.

Emily: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on that altar in front of my entire family, all my friends.

Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry.

Emily: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching our plane with her.

Ross: Again, very sorry.

Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her!

Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you.

Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this work.

Ross: Oh that is so great! That's…

Emily: (interrupting him) As long as you don't see Rachel anymore.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler about Emily's ultimatum.]

Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes.

Chandler: Yes!

Phoebe: Ooh-ohh!

Monica: Great!

Ross: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.

Phoebe: Why?

Monica: What?! You can't—what did you tell her?

Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking you!

Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends.

Monica: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see Emily, I mean that's his wife.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Chandler: That's true!

Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot just cut her out of your life.

Chandler: That's true!

Monica: No, you cannot.

Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. (Wipes his hands.)

(The phone rings.)

Monica: (answering it) Hello.

Joey: (on phone) Hey Mon!

Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV?

Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure.

Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV.

Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? (He waves his hand in front of the woman next to him and you can now see his arm on TV.)

Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is!

Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the chick and the duck are watching Emeril Live, a cooking show.]

Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs…

(Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to turn off the TV.)

Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel!

Monica: (entering) Hi Chandler.

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day.

Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars.

Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27.

Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves.

Monica: Yeah, so?

Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had.

Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room and imitates Chandler's happy dance.)

Chandler: What's your point?

[Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he answers it.]

Joey: (in a bored voice) PBS telethon.

Phoebe: (on phone from Central Perk) Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.

Joey: What?! What good is that gonna do anybody?

Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am definitely not.

Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya.

Phoebe: (Thinks for a moment.) Aw, dammit! (Slams the phone down.)

Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!

(Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy sitting there.)

Joey: Hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me?

PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man.

Joey: Come on man! You've been here all day!

PBS Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here, eh?

Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)

Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the performance of Cirque Du Soleil, (As he is speaking, Joey and the volunteer getting into a shoving match.) and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming, it's very simple. All you have to do (Joey is knocked down.) is call in your pledge and at that time tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what kind of programming you'd like to… (Just as the volunteer sits down, Joey pulls him to the ground.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are cooking, Chandler is reading a magazine.]

Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate. (He holds up and starts shaking a…)

Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision with a toy!

Phoebe: Ooh, it's not a toy.

Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got nothing! All right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. (There are none.) Okay then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see Rachel again? (He turns it over and reads the answer) Ask again later. Later is not good enough. (He shakes it up again and reads the answer.) Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it is broken!

Monica: All right, let me see. (She grabs the 8 ball.) Will Chandler have sex tonight? (Reads the answer.) Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me.

[Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing phone.]

Joey: (in an unenthusiastic voice) PBS Telethon.

Phoebe: (on phone) Hi Joey.

Joey: Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200.

Joey: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after what Sesame Street did to ya?

Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now that they bring happiness to lots of kids who's moms didn't kill themselves, so by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there, a selfless good deed.

Joey: And you don't a little good about donating the money?

Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster.

Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks.

Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.

Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers…(He walks over to where Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!

Phoebe: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? My pledge got Joey on TV! Oh that makes me feel—Oh no! (Realizes that her deed made her happy and therefore it's selfish and covers her mouth in horror.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is coming out of the bathroom carrying her cleaning gear.]

Chandler: (entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best.

Monica: Keep talking.

Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH…MY…GOD.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to sex!

Monica: Well, if we owe it? (She throws down her cleaning stuff and jumps into his arms.) Oh my… When is Joey gonna be home?

Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on.

Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom.

Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves.

Monica: Yeah. (She takes them off.)

(He carries her over to the door and opens it.)

Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's done.

Monica: Okay.

(He starts to carry her into the hallway but hits her head on the door.)

Monica: Ow!

Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it?

Monica: I know!

(He carries her into the hall.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the Magic 8 Ball with a screwdriver as there's a knock on his door which he goes to answer.]

Rachel: (entering) Hi! Are you ready? We're gonna be late!

Ross: For what?

Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20 minutes.

Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily.

Rachel: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay!

Ross: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of relationship stuff.

Rachel: Like what?

Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants.

Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help.

Ross: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this without your help.

Rachel: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to… Hi!

Ross: Thanks.

Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy!

Ross: (answering the phone.) Hello. (Listens) Hi sweetie. (Listens.) Good. Look umm, yes I've been thinking about that thing that you wanted me to do and, I can do it. (Rachel gives him a thumbs up.) So will you come to New York? (Rachel wants to know what she said, and he gives her a thumbs up and she goes over and hugs him. All the time not knowing what's going on.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, ??????? is playing, as Chandler peaks his head out of the storage closet and sneaks back to his seat and pretends he's reading something. Then a short while later Monica pokes her head out of the closet and sneaks back to her seat and sits down, pretending as if nothing has happened.]

Monica: Never done that before.

Chandler: Nope.

End

The One With All the Kips

Written by: Scott Silveri

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler is up. There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.]

Monica: (quietly) Hi!

Chandler: (quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)

(Joey enters and Chandler pushes her away.)

Joey: Monica? What time is it?

Chandler: Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)

Joey: But it's dark out.

Monica: Well that's because you always sleep to noon, silly! This is what 9 looks like.

Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. (He goes into the bathroom.)

Monica: I'm really getting tired of sneaking around.

Chandler: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.

Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked.

Chandler: Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing.

Monica: Ohh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in Jersey!

Chandler: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. (He starts for his bedroom.)

Monica: Wait! What about Joey?

(Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the toilet with a toothbrush in his mouth.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Monica: (entering from her room) Hey, guess what I'm doing this weekend! I'm going to this culinary fair in New Jersey.

Phoebe: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there!

Monica: Oh now that-that-that's funny, it seems like Chandler's conference could've been in Connecticut or Vermont.

Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her.

Monica: No, she's out shopping.

Ross: Damn!

Chandler: What's going on?

Ross: I told Emily to come. And I just need to y'know, talk to Rachel about it.

Phoebe: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes you're just, you're not gonna see Rachel anymore?

Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife," part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. (He takes a big swig of Pepto Bismol.)

Monica: Wow, so you guys are, you're never gonna be in the same room together? How is that even gonna work?

Ross: I have no idea. I mean… But-but I assure you I will figure it out.

(They all reflect briefly on what was said.)

Joey: Doesn’t seem like it's going to work, I mean…

Rachel: (entering) Hi, guys!

Joey: Hi!

Chandler: Uh, hey!

Rachel: What's going on?

Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.

Joey: So I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it.

Phoebe: Yeah that's better than my way.

(They all agree and head to Monica's room.)

Rachel: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too?

Chandler: Aww, man! (They go into Monica's room.)

Rachel: (going through the mail) Oh look! A letter from my mom.

Ross: So, Rach, y'know-y'know how Emily's coming right?

Rachel: Oh yeah! I know.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler is trying to listen through the door.]

Phoebe: (To Chandler) Can you hear anything?

Chandler: Oh yes, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?"

(Joey is bent over at the waist and is looking for something under Monica's bed.)

Monica: Hey, Joey's ass! What are you doing?

Joey: (holding a box) Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here.

Monica: Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles…

Phoebe: Ooh, Madlibs, mine! (Grabs it.)

Chandler: Condoms?

Joey: You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth.

Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

[Cut to the living room.]

Ross: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the last time I talked to Emily…

Rachel: (interrupting) Oh my God! My dog died!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Oh my God, Le Poo, our dog!

Ross: Le Poo's still alive?!

Rachel: Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for nine-(turns over the note)-teen blocks. Oh. (They all come out from Monica's bedroom) Oh my God.

Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please don't cry.

Rachel: It's Le Poo.

Phoebe: I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better.

[Scene: Atlantic City, New Jersey, Chandler and Monica are about to start their weekend of sex, sex, nothing but sex.]

Chandler: (jumping on the bed) I can't believe it! We're here!

Monica: Ooh, chocolates on the pillows! I love that!

Chandler: Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere.

Monica: Come here. (He does, and they kiss.) Okay, be right back.

(Goes to the bathroom and Chandler turns on the TV and finds a high-speed police chase.)

Chandler: Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on!

(Monica returns, carrying a glass.)

Monica: We're switching rooms.

Chandler: (looks at what she's holding and shies away) Oh dear God, they gave us glasses!

Monica: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! I mean, if they didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change. (He glares at her.) Come on sweetie, I just want this weekend to be perfect, I mean we can change rooms, can't we?

Chandler: Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost it's feed! (He grabs their bags and sprints out.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to tell Rachel about Emily's ultimatum again.]

Ross: Hey, so uh, y'know how there's something I wanted to talk to you about?

Rachel: Oh yeah! (Turns to face him.)

Ross: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's this one thing… Okay, (Rachel has her back turned to the camera, and Ross isn't looking at her.) here goes. I made a promise that-(they cut to the other camera and Ross notices something coming out of Rachel's nose)-Oh hey!

Rachel: What?

Ross: You're nose is bleeding!

Rachel: Oh God. (He hands her some tissues.) No! Oh not again! (Wiping her nose.) This-this happened when my grandfather died. It's ugh! Sorry. (She puts her head back.) Oh, okay, so I'm sorry, what-what were you-what did you want to tell me?

Ross: Umm… (Rachel blows her nose.)

Rachel: Sorry. Sorry.

Ross: Okay, I uh, I can't see you anymore.

Rachel: Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous! I can't see you either.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's weekend, a hotel clerk is showing them their new room.]

Hotel Clerk: I think you'll find this room more to your liking.

Chandler: Okay, great. (He grabs the remote and turns on the TV to the chase.)

Hotel Clerk: (watching the chase) They say he's only got half a tank left.

Chandler: Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!

Monica: We're switching rooms again.

Chandler: What? Why?

Monica: This is a garden view room, and we paid for an ocean view room.

Hotel Clerk: Our last ocean view room was unacceptable to you.

Monica: (To Chandler) Excuse me, umm, can I talk to you over here for just a second?

Chandler: Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.)

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: (turning to face her) Yeah.

Monica: Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not gonna let 'em! And we're not a couple of suckers!

Chandler: I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine okay? Can you just pick one so I can watch-(realizes)-have a perfect, magical weekend together with you.

[Time lapse, Monica and Chandler have changed rooms yet again.]

Monica: Okay, this one I like!

Chandler: (watching TV, in fact, ER is on.) Nothing! It's over! Dammit! This is regularly scheduled programming!

Monica: Can we turn the TV off? Okay? Do we really want to spend the entire weekend like this?

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun?

Monica: Hey, don't blame me for wigging tonight!

Chandler: Oh, who should I blame? The nice bell man who had to drag out luggage to 10 different rooms?

Monica: I don't know, how about the idiot who thought he could drive from Albany to Canada on a half a tank of gas!

Chandler: Do not speak ill of the dead.

Monica: We're supposed to uh, be spending a romantic weekend together, it-it, what is the matter with you?

Chandler: I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom.

Monica: What did you say?

Chandler: I said, "Geez, relax Monnnnn."

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading a magazine and has two tissues stuck up her nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding and as she hears Ross enter, she quickly hides her face behind the magazine and removes the tissues.]

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now and I really, I just have to get it out.

Rachel: Okay, what's up?

Ross: Okay, y'know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage?

Rachel: Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.

Ross: And while that was good advice, you should know that what-what she wants…

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: …is for me not to see you anymore.

Rachel: That's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell her? (Pause) (Realizes) Oh God. Ohh, you already agreed to this, haven't you?

Ross: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have too. But the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here.

Rachel: Ohh! Lucky me! Oh my God! That is good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Le Poo died!

Ross: You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard.

Rachel: Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Okay, well let me make this a just a little bit easier for you.

Ross: What are you doing?

Rachel: Storming out!

Ross: Rachel, this is your apartment.

Rachel: Yeah, well that's how mad I am!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is returning from his disastrous weekend. He throws his bag down and sits down on one of the leather chairs, but he sits on something and picks it up and throws it away.]

Chandler: Damn Rollos!

Joey: Hey, you're back!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: How was your conference?

Chandler: It was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues y'know, the entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away another Rollo)

Joey: Oh, so your weekend was a total bust?

Chandler: Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator.

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Joey: Hey, you're back too!

Monica: Yeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you outside for a second?

Joey: Hey, how was your chef thing?

Monica: Oh, it was awful. (To Chandler) I guess some people just don't appreciate really good food.

Chandler: Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.

Monica: Chandler! (Motions for him to come outside.)

Chandler: Monica. (Follows her out.)

[In the hall.]

Monica: Okay, I'd like to know how much the room was because I'd like to pay my half.

Chandler: Okay, fine, $300.

Monica: 300 dollars?!

Chandler: Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room!

Monica: Urghh!!

Joey: (sticking his head out the door) What are you guys woofing about?

Monica: Chandler stole a twenty from my purse!

Joey: Nooooo!!! Y'know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly find myself without twenties and you always have lots!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is drinking some Alka-Seltzer. The rest of the gang, minus Rachel is there as well.]

Ross: You should've seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to hate me! I don't know what to do.

Joey: You want my advice?

Ross: Yes! Please!

Joey: You're not gonna like it.

Ross: That's okay.

Joey: You got married to fast.

Ross: That's not advice!

Joey: I told ya.

Ross: I'm going to the bathroom. (Gets up and exits.)

Joey: Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I couldn't do it.

Chandler and Phoebe: Yeah, me either.

Monica: Maybe I could do it.

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Joey: Hi, Rach.

Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love not to talk about it. All right?

Joey: I-I-I don't know if this falls under this category, but uh, Ross is right back there. (Points over his shoulder.)

Rachel: That's not Ross!

Phoebe: Oh no! Not that guy! He does look like him though.

Chandler: Okay, Ross is in the bathroom.

Rachel: Oh my God, its happening. It's already started. I'm Kip.

Joey: Hey, you're not Kip!

Rachel: (To Joey) Do you even know who Kip is?

Joey: Who cares? You're Rachel! (To Chandler) Who's Kip?

Chandler: Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all used to hang out together.

Joey: Oh, that poor bastard.

Rachel: See? Yeah, you told me the story. He and Monica dated when they broke up they couldn't even be in the same room together and you all promised that you would stay his friend and what happened? He got phased out!

Monica: You're not gonna be phased out!

Rachel: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother. (To Chandler) He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.

Phoebe: Ehh!!

Rachel: Honey, come on! You live far away! You're not related. You lift right out.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.

Chandler: Yes that was mine.

Joey: 'Cause I figured you'd hooked up with some girl and she'd left it there.

Chandler: Yes that would have made more sense.

Joey: Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And whatever you say, I'll believe ya. (Pause.) Were you, or were you not on a gay cruise?!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on couch and Rachel is getting some coffee. Phoebe keeps turning her head from to keep from looking at Rachel.]

Rachel: Phoebe? (She turns her head further away.) I'm sorry about the whole lifting out thing. (Moves over next to her.) You gotta come with me!

Phoebe: Come where?

Rachel: Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group, we're the best ones.

Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey too.

Ross: (entering) Pheebs, you mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec?

Phoebe: Oh, sure! (She gets up to leave.) Bye Ross! (Whispering behind his back.) Forever.

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?

Ross: I talked to Monica, look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one who's making things change, so I should be the one to y'know, step back.

Rachel: Oh, Ross…

Ross: No, no, it's okay. Really. They're plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is that better?

Rachel: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see you.

Ross: Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what would you do?

Rachel: Well, for starters I would've said the right name at my wedding!

Ross: I can't believe this is happening.

Rachel: I know.

Ross: I am so sorry.

Rachel: I know that too.

Joey: (entering) (He clears his throat to get their attention.) Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing a crossword puzzle.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Chandler: I just came over to drop off…nothing. So that weekend kinda sucked, huh?

Monica: Yeah, it did.

Chandler: So, I guess this is over.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime.

Monica: Why, exactly?

Chandler: Because of the weekend, we had a fight.

Monica: Chandler that's crazy! If you give up every time you'd have a fight with someone you'd never be with anyone longer than—Ohhh! (They both realize something there.)

Chandler: So, this isn't over?

Monica: (laughs) You are so cute! No. No, it was a fight. You deal with it and move on! It's nothing to freak out about.

Chandler: Really? Okay. Great!

Monica: Ohh, welcome to an adult relationship! (She goes to kiss him.)

Chandler: (stops her) We're in a relationship?

Monica: I'm afraid so.

Chandler: Okay.

(They kiss.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.

Monica: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator.

(Joey thinks that sounds familiar, but dismisses the thought.)

Monica: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine.

Rachel: Yeah, it's in there. (Points to the bathroom.)

(Joey puts two and two together.)

Joey: (shocked) Oh! Ohh! Oh!!

Chandler: Joey, can I talk to you for a second? (He grabs him and starts to drag Joey into Monica's room.)

Joey: Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!!

(Chandler pushes him through the door and Monica closes it behind them.)

[Cut to Monica's room, Chandler tackles Joey onto her bed and tries to cover his mouth.]

Joey: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Chandler: Yes. Yes. (Lets him up.)

Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!

Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!

Joey: How?! When?!

Chandler: It happened in London.

Joey: IN LONDON!!!

Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!

(They both grab him and stop him.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!

Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell.

(Joey thinks it over.)

Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but…

Monica: I know, it's great!

(She goes over and kisses Chandler.)

Joey: Aww, I don't want to see that!

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]

Phoebe: We're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Ross are playing Madlibs. Phoebe is reading hers.]

Phoebe: The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe. And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, "Hi, Phoebe!"

Monica: Oh that's cute! We really all enjoyed it. But y'know, it doesn't count.

Phoebe: Count for what?

Monica: Count in our heads as-as good Madlibs.

(They putting their notepads down and get up to leave.)

Joey: I guess I'm done.

Chandler: Fun's over!

Monica: Wait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something!

Rachel: Uh-huh!

Joey: I think I'm gonna take-off.

Monica: Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun! (They all leave and close the door on Monica.) Ohhh! (Throws her notepad down in disgust.)

End

The One With The Yeti

Written by: Alexa Junge

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are making out on one of the chairs.]

Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! None of that, not while you're living under my roof!

Monica: What?!

Joey: Look, just because I know about you two, doesn't mean I like looking at it.

Chandler: Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour?

Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! (Starts for his room.) And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition! Okay, look, if I have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend there's nothing to know about.

Chandler and Monica: Okay.

Monica: Sorry.

Chandler: Sorry.

(They wait for Joey to go into his room and close the door and then start making out again.)

Joey: (from the bedroom) I can hear that!

Monica: (To Chandler) Rachel's at work.

(They both go to her apartment.)

(Pause.)

Joey: I can still hear you!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are there as Phoebe enters carrying a large box.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hello!

Monica: Hey, what's that?

Phoebe: Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother. Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have a family, and now I have heirlooms for crying out loud.

(She puts her leg up on the chair and removes this huge knife from her boot to open the box with. The guys are shocked at the knife's existence.)

Phoebe: Eeeee-(She opens the box and removes its contents and sees that it's a fur coat.)-ohh!! God! (She throws it at Joey.)

Joey: Argh-argh!! (Catches the coat.) Ooh, soft. Is this mink?

Phoebe: Yeah! Why would my mother send me a fur? Doesn't she know me but at all! Plus, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make!

Chandler: Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour. (Phoebe stares at him wide-eyed. Chandler sees her reaction.) That didn't happen, I made that up!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Gunther: Oh, Ross? Ross! You can't put up flyers in here.

Ross: How come? Everybody else does.

Gunther: You can't.

Monica: What is that?

Ross: Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things.

Monica: (looking at the flyer) This is all of your things.

Ross: Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it's—Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Y'know brand new.

Monica: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale.

Ross: Touched. Used. Sat on. Sleep on.

Gunther: I'll take it all.

Joey: Hey, Ross, you're okay with that?

Ross: Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Chandler: Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme?

Ross: After what I did? Can you blame her?

Phoebe: Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green.

(Ross suddenly gets up and heads for the bathroom.)

Joey: (after Ross is gone) What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got Rachel coodies?

Monica: Now calm down Joey.

Joey: No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us!

Phoebe: Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing.

Chandler: Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence…

Monica: Look, I'm not happy about this either, but y'know if-if Ross says he's happy then we're just gonna have to keep our feelings about Emily to ourselves. Are you cool with that?

Joey: No! But y'know, I'm an actor, I'll act cool.

[Scene: The Storage Room in the basement of Monica and Rachel's building, Monica and Rachel are looking for something.]

Rachel: Ohh, whoa God! Storage rooms give me the creeps! Monica, come on please hurry up honey! Please?

Monica: Rachel, if you want the little round waffles, you gotta have to wait until I find the little waffle iron.

Rachel: I want the little round waffles.

Monica: All right. (Looking through a box.) Op, here it is! Right underneath the can of-of bug bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath the can of poison?

(The single light flickers and goes out. Leaving the room in total darkness.)

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? I'll-I'll have toast!

(She starts to run out but is stopped by a figure looming out of the darkness carrying a pick axe.)

Rachel: Arghhhh!!!!!!

(They both start screaming at the top of their lungs.)

Monica: Oh my God! Fog him! Fog him!

(Rachel grabs the bug bomb, activates it, throws it at the figure, and they both run out through the fog.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]

Phoebe: I don't know what I'm gonna do about this coat.

Joey: I'll take it!

Phoebe: That might work! (She gives him the coat.)

Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah! (He drapes it around his shoulders.) Enh? All right, what do you think?

Chandler: You're on in 5 Ms. Minnelli.

Ross: (on the phone) No-no-no, it's just a bit sudden. (Listens) No, it's great. Okay? I'm totally on board. I love you too, all righty. Bye. (Hangs up.)

Joey: What's the matter Ross?

Ross: Nothing. Oh, actually, great news! I just got off the phone with Emily and it looks like I'm moving to a new apartment. Woo-hoo!

Phoebe: Why?

Ross: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a view of the river on one side and Columbia on the other.

Joey: That's way uptown! That's like three trains away! (Phoebe pinches him.) Which is great! I love to ride that rail!

Chandler: So you're really okay with this?

Ross: Yes! Yes! I mean it's-it's kinda far from work, but uh, y'know, I'll get so much done on the commute. I-I've been given the gift of time!

Chandler: Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum.

(Ross exits.)

Joey: Now he's movin'? Man, what is Emily doing to him? (Phoebe pinches him again.) Ow!! He's not even here!!!

(Monica and Rachel enter breathless.)

Rachel: You guys! You guys!

Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!

Rachel: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!

Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!

Rachel: (proud of herself) Yeah, I-I-I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!

Joey: Uhh, like dark hair, bushy beard?

Rachel: Yeah!

Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny.

Rachel: Please! We did not fog Danny! Who's Danny?

Joey: Dan just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from like this four-month trek in the Andes. Nice fella.

Monica: Oh he's nice. He's nice! Y'know, you always stick up for the people we fog!

[Scene: Their Building, Monica and Rachel are going to apologize to Danny. Rachel knocks on his door, which he opens and he has this really bushy beard and long hair. Picture Paul Bunyan.]

Danny: Yeah?

Rachel: Hi! You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged you.

Monica: We're-we're really sorry we fogged you.

Danny: Okay.

(He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that and knocks again. He opens the door.)

Rachel: Hi! Just so you know, we-we didn't mean to fog you, we thought you were like a yeti or something.

Danny: Okay.

(He closes the door again. Once again, Rachel knocks (harder this time) and he answers it.)

Danny: Yesss?

Rachel: Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I don't think we can accept your acceptance of our apology, it just doesn't really seem like you mean it.

Monica: Yeah.

Danny: O-kay!

(He closes the door before Rachel can say anything.)

Monica: Wow! That guy is so rude!

Rachel: Really! What is with that guy? I mean you'd forgive me if I fogged you.

Monica: Well you did a little bit.

Rachel: Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry!

Monica: I totally forgive you!

Rachel: Really?

Monica: Yes!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a drink as Phoebe enters with the fur coat.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: So listen, you know my friend Chris who owns the crematorium?

Monica: Crematorium Chris? Sure!

Phoebe: He says, that he would cremate my fur coat for free if I umm, y'know, bring in the next person I know who dies.

(Rachel enters from the bathroom and sees the coat.)

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God, look at these pelts!

Monica: Don't get too attached, she's having it cremated.

Rachel: What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature, fashion!

Phoebe: This is fashion?! (Grabs the coat from Rachel.) Okay, so to you, death is fashion?! That's really funny. (She puts the coat on and starts to model it.) Here's Phoebe umm, sporting uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from y'know, the steal traps of wintry Russia. I mean, you really thing this looks good? (Sees herself in the mirror.) 'Cause I do.

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the gang is helping Ross move out by carrying boxes. Chandler has picked a particularly large and apparently heavy box, because he takes a running start at it and still can't budge it.]

Ross: (on phone) I know I miss you too. I can't wait to see you. I love you. Bye. (Hangs up.)

Chandler: Okay, what is in here? Rocks?

Ross: No-no, this is my collection of fossil samples.

Chandler: So, rocks.

(He picks up a smaller box and carries it to the moving van as Joey returns.)

Ross: I'm really gonna miss this apartment. Y'know, Ben-Ben took his first steps right over there. (Points.)

Joey: Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this thing (The shutters that close off the kitchen.) and it kinda knocked me out a little?

Ross: I loved this place! To tell you the truth, I wish I didn't have to move.

Joey: Uhh, are you saying that you're not entirely happy about this?

Ross: Well, I mean if uh, if Emily gave me a choice…

Joey: You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you listening to her?! Are you, are you crazy?!

Ross: Why?

Joey: It's not right what Emily wants you to do! She is totally-(The gang enters behind Joey and Phoebe pinches him again.)-Owww!! Stop pinching me! Look, now you guys said I only had to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was happy, right? Well he just told me that he's not entirely happy.

Ross: What's going on?

Joey: We all hate Emily!

Phoebe: Nooo!!

Monica: No, Ross, we do not hate Emily. We-we just, we just think that you're having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy.

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Look, we just think that maybe she's being a little unreasonable.

Joey: Yes! Yes! Unreasonable!

Ross: Unreasonable? How about we have this conversation when one of you guys gets married! You have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work! All right, it's about compromise! Do you always like it? No! Do you do it? Yes! Because it's not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time! It's real life, okay? It's what grown-ups do! (He storms out.)

Phoebe: I think he's right. You guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are recovering from Ross's rebuke.]

Monica: God, I feel so guilty about Ross.

Phoebe: Oh, I know.

Joey: I kinda feel like it's my fault.

(Monica and Chandler turn and stare at him.)

Chandler: Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've happened.

Joey: Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out! (He glares at Chandler.)

Chandler: Well, I think it's very brave what you said.

(Monica pats Joey on the shoulder.)

Phoebe: All right, I can't sit here anymore. I have to walk places. (She puts on her fur coat.)

Chandler: Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing?

Phoebe: Well, I've been reading up and for your information, minks are not very nice. Okay, I admit it! I love this coat! Okay, I—it's the best thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including Phil Huntley! (She starts to leave but stops and says to Monica.) Remember Phil Huntley? He was fine!

[Scene: Their building's lobby, Danny is checking his mailbox as Rachel enters carrying shopping bags and goes to her mailbox. Danny has shaved his beard and cut his hair, Rachel doesn't recognize him.]

Rachel: Hi!

Danny: So you like the short hair better.

Rachel: What? Yeti—I mean Danny?

Danny: I had to cut my hair to get rid of the uh, fogger smell.

Rachel: Oh. Listen, I'm so sorry. I would, I would've never fogged you if y'know if you hadn't looked so…. Y'know.

Danny: Absolutely. Some people are just into appearances.

Rachel: (shocked) What?

Danny: That's cool. Cool. (Starts to leave.)

Rachel: What? Hey! No-no-no! This not cool! You don't even know me!

Danny: Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog.

Rachel: So from that you think you've got me all figured out? Well, you don't! Y'know I-I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here!

Danny: Do you?

Rachel: Well, y'know, if-if kids like to play with Capri pants.

Danny: Okay. (Heads for his apartment.)

Rachel: And stop saying that! I hate that!

Danny: Okay!

(Rachel decides not to give up that easily and follows him to his apartment and bangs on the door, which he opens.)

Rachel: Fine! I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you?

Danny: The pizza-place across the street any good?

Rachel: What?!

Danny: I'm hungry. Wanna get some pizza? You can keep yelling if there's more.

Rachel: Okay. Okay.

Danny: Stop saying that. I hate that.

[Scene: Ross's now empty apartment, he is spackling some holes shut as the gang comes to apologize.]

Chandler: Uh, Ross?

Phoebe: Are you still mad at us?

Ross: Yep.

Phoebe: Oh good! Because we have an "I'm sorry" song.

Ross: Y'know what? I'm really not in the mood.

Joey: Look, Ross, I feel really bad. I mean, you're going through all this stuff and I just acted like a jerk.

Chandler: Yeah, we are so sorry.

Phoebe: (To Chandler) You're kinda stepping on the song. (She gets ready to play but is stopped by…)

Joey: Look, we were way out of line, we totally support you.

Monica: Whatever you decide, whatever you do.

Phoebe: Okay, now you're just taking lines right out of the song!

Ross: Look, this is hard enough! I really need you guys right now.

Phoebe: Yes! Exactly! And that's why…

(She starts to play her song, but is stopped by Monica.)

Monica: Why don't you come over tonight? And I'll make you favorite dinner.

Ross: Okay. Thanks you guys. Pheebs are you wearing fur?

Phoebe: Okay, let's get some perspective people; it's not like I'm wearing a seeing-eye dog coat!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Rachel, are getting ready for dinner.]

Joey: Hey, y'know Ross, I think I kinda understand why I kinda lost it today.

Ross: You do, huh?

Joey: Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor. Right? So I gotta keep my emotions right at the surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot of balls in the air. (Makes like he's juggling.) Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me, y'know, you wander around, you're alone…

Ross: What are you talking about?

Joey: (thinks) I'm not sure.

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey, look at you! Where have you been?

Rachel: Oh, I went to have pizza. With Danny.

Monica: How did that happen?

Rachel: That yeti is one smooth talker.

Monica: I hope you're not full, 'cause dinner's almost ready.

Rachel: Yeah, y'know I-I think I'm just gonna hang out in my room.

All: No! Why?

Rachel: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really… I don't mind.

Ross: Wait! Wait! Wait! Y'know what? Just stay. Please? It uh… It would really mean a lot to me if you stayed.

Rachel: Ross, I…

Joey: RACHEL PLEASE!!! JUST HAVE DINNER WITH US!!!

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Joey, it's okay. Settle down.

Joey: All right, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You see Rach I'm an actor…

[Time lapse, dinner is now finished and Ross is looking out the window.]

Ross: Hey! Hey, look! Ugly Naked Guy's back!

(They all run over to the window.)

Rachel: I haven't seen him in so long!

Phoebe: Oh God, I really missed that fat bastard!

(Pause.)

Monica: Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this might be the last time we'll all be hanging out together.

Joey: It's almost as if he knew.

(The phone rings.)

Monica: I'll get it. (On phone.) Hello. (Listens.) Hi Emily! (Listens.) Yeah, uh you-you tracked him down. Hold on one second. (She hands the phone to Ross.)

Ross: Hey! (Listens.) Yeah-yeah, we're just having dinner. (Listens.) Uh, yeah, sure uh hold on. (To the gang.) She wants to say hi. (To Emily) Hold on.

(Ross puts her on speakerphone.)

Phoebe: Hi Emily!

Chandler: Hi!

Emily: Hello everyone. So who am I saying hello too?

Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!!

Emily: (laughs) Well, I should hope not. Ross knows better than that by now.

(Rachel waves her hands in disgust and starts to head for her room.)

Ross: Y'know what? Uh, Rachel is here! (Rachel stops.)

Emily: She's there?!

Chandler: Oh yeah, there-there she is!

Ross: Yeah, yeah, she's here.

Emily: Ross, take me off speakerphone.

(He does so.)

Ross: (on phone) Hi.

Emily: How can you do this too me?! I thought I'd made my feelings about Rachel perfectly clear!

Ross: (going onto the patio) Look Emily, I'm just having dinner with my friends, okay?

Emily: You obviously can't keep away from her.

Ross: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only person I want to be with.

Emily: I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all the time.

Ross: Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage is never gonna work if you don't trust me.

Emily: You're right.

Ross: So, can you trust me?

(Pause.)

Emily: No.

(Ross lowers his head.)

[Cut to the inside of the apartment.]

Joey: I think it's going okay. Looks like he's smiling.

Monica: How can you tell? You can only see the back of his head!

Joey: You can totally tell! Here look, watch me. (He stands up and turns his back to them so that he is facing the window.) Smile! Frown. Smile! Frown. (The camera cuts to Ross outside hanging up the phone.) Smile! (Ross turns around and sees Joey alternately smiling and frowning and just stares at him for a second and heads back inside.)

Ross: Well, I guess that's it.

All: Why, what happened?

Joey: What happened? What happened?

Ross: My marriage is over.

All: What?!

Monica: Oh, sweetie. Oh, look at you. You're shivering.

Phoebe: Here. (She wraps her coat around his shoulders.)

Rachel: Ross, honey, is there anything we can do?

Ross: Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from Gunther.

Ending Credits

[Scene: A curbside newsstand, Phoebe is whistling and walking up to it wearing her fur coat. She stops and starts to look through a magazine and notices a squirrel on a nearby tree chirping at her.]

Phoebe: (to the squirrel) Okay, stop tormenting me! This mink! Okay, they're mean! And they hate squirrels! And y'know, okay, most of these probably wanted to be coats! (The squirrel stares at her.) All right, fine, now I get it. (To the clerk.) Here. (She hands him her coat.) You take it. (To the squirrel.) Are you happy now? I'm cold!

End

The One Where Ross Moves In

Written by: Perry Rein & Gigi McCreery

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is looking at a National Geographic and giggling.]

Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's women?

Joey: No, look. (Shows him the magazine.)

Chandler: That's a pig.

Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her.

(Ross enters and his hair is a mess.)

Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)

Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out!

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Why?

Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.

Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?

Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family!

Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya!

Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: You got it.

Joey: Okay.

Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.

(Joey starts giggling.)

Ross: What?

Chandler: He thought you said gonad.

(Joey busts out laughing.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica's restaurant, she is getting inspected by the health department, Phoebe is watching.]

Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living.

Monica: Oh, Larry.

Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission?

Larry: No, bribes.

(Phoebe laughs.)

Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right?

Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding.

Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs harder.)

Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors.

Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry.

(He goes into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: Yum-my!

Monica: Larry?

Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors.

Larry: (entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation.

Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.

Larry: And where is your hat?

Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it.

(She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the door…)

Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points.

Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show!

Larry: Oh, I don't know about that.

Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda.

Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime.

Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat.

Larry: I-I'll call ya.

Phoebe: Okay.

(Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.)

Phoebe: He's so funny! (She imitates what he just did.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Monica and Rachel.]

Monica: Thanks.

Rachel: Thank you. (To Monica) Mon?

Monica: Hmm?

Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff.

Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try…

Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.

Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.

(Danny enters.)

Danny: (To Gunther) Two pounds of Moca Java please.

Monica: (To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again?

Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.

Danny: (To them) Hey!

Rachel: Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh?

Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing.

Monica: Ohh, fun!

Rachel: Ohh, great!

Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.

Rachel: Yeah.

Danny: Okay, see ya. (Heads out.)

Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house.

Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out.

Monica: And you're not gonna do that.

Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it?

Monica: So-so there is no party.

Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me?

Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you.

Rachel: Exactly.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they're entering to find boxes strewn about the apartment.]

Joey: Ross?

Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey roomies!

Chandler: Love what you've done with the place.

Ross: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.

Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't—I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine.

Chandler: Oh yeah!

Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. (He plays the greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and Ross's voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call you back!

Joey: Hey, all right!

Ross: Pretty cool, huh?

(They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.)

Joey: (To Chandler) You're fake laughing too, right?

Chandler: Oh, the tears are real.

[Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Larry are having dinner.]

Larry: You look beautiful this evening.

Phoebe: (smiles) Show me the badge again.

(He looks around and flashes her his badge and she laughs.)

Phoebe: Shiny.

Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who knows where these babies (Holds up his hands) have been.

Phoebe: (laughing) You are just nonstop!

(He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.)

Larry: (coming back) We're outta here!

Phoebe: Why?!

Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down!

Phoebe: (awed) You have the power to do that?

Larry: This does. (Shows her his badge.)

Phoebe: (excited) Shut it down.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes his head up from a box enclosure built using the 2 chairs.]

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: What are you doing?

Joey: Nothing.

Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya?

Joey: (smiles) Kinda.

Chandler: (notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.)

Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while.

Chandler: I hate this thing!

Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening the door.]

Rachel: Oh, hi Danny.

Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night.

Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by.

Rachel: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy.

Monica: You are?

Rachel: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala.

Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for?

Rachel: It's a uh, regatta gala.

Danny: Really! You-you sail?

Rachel: No-no, but I support it.

Danny: Okay, (To Monica) hope I see you tomorrow night.

Monica: Okay.

Danny: Take care. (Leaves.)

Rachel: Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right into that one didn't he?

Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it!

Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat.

Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?

Rachel: Ball? There is no ball.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Ross is working on his computer and Joey is making a lot of noise.]

Ross: (glaring at him) Joey, please! (Motions to his computer.)

Joey: Sorry.

(Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it attack him.)

Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhh…

(Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but I don't want to try and describe it as well.)

Chandler: (entering) Hello children!

Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please?

Chandler: Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.)

Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on!

(They go into his bedroom.)

Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down' maneuver, but does move his hands up and down he just flaps his hands as if he's waving good-bye.)

Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?

Joey: No, the quiet down thing!

Chandler: You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.)

Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been porn?

Chandler: (gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him!

Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game.

Chandler: Okay.

(They start playing.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no!

Joey: YES!!

Ross: (entering) Uh fellas, (Does the maneuver and gives them a double thumbs up, which Chandler returns as he closes the door.)

Chandler: Okay, so he's out of here.

Joey: Um-hmm.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed!

Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down!

Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?!

Monica: I don't know, clean places?

Joey: Umm, yum!

(There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)

Monica: (looking through the peephole) It's Danny.

Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala.

Monica: (to Danny) We'll be right there! (To Rachel) Can't you just say it starts later?

Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?!

Monica: The fake kind!

(She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.)

Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle?

Monica: We have a ladle. (Gives him one.)

Danny: Thanks, see you at the party.

Monica: Okay, great!

(He leaves and she closes the door.)

Phoebe: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, "See you ladle." (Laughs.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are there. Chandler and Joey are looking through the paper.]

Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings?

Ross: I'll take sports.

Joey: Mine! (He grabs it.)

Ross: All right. Uhh, international.

Joey: Oh that's mine too! (Grabs it and Ross looks at him.) I'm Italian!

Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here.

Chandler: Not even on page 7?

Ross: (looks) Oh yeah! You're—hey, you're right! Here's an affordable place, (reading ad) two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks!

Chandler: What about that circled one?

Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio.

Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it?

Chandler: Yes, it is.

Joey: Hey, let's go look at it! (They both jump up.)

Ross: Okay, let's go.

Joey: Okay!

Chandler: There we go!

Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it.

Chandler: Let's go quicker.

Joey: Yeah!

[Scene: The apartment in the listing, the guys are checking it out. There's one problem though, it's roughly the size of this computer screen. As they enter Joey lets out a whistle.]

Ross: Oh my God! (Looking around, which doesn't take him long.)

Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub.

Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place.

(They don't move, just look all around them.)

Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking.

Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now!

Chandler: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks.

Joey: Yeah.

(He looks at them.)

Ross: (To Joey) So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place?

Joey: Oh, it's perfect!

Ross: (To Chandler) How about you?

Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom.

Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an application.

(He exits.)

Chandler: We are bad people.

Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! (Pause.) You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there waiting for Larry.]

Larry: (entering) Hey, ready for dinner?

Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely!

Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right?

Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! (Thinks about it.) So, no.

Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's?

Phoebe: Enh. Sure!

Larry: (notices something) I wonder how long that milk (on the counter) has been setting out.

Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That—this milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a swig of it, but has to turn away from him as she makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay, let's go!

(Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.)

Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit?

Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place.

Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?!

Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever?

Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning.

Phoebe: Thank you. (To Gunther, who's standing there frozen) Okay, go! Go! Go! (He runs off.) (To Larry) Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are lamenting about how they kicked Ross out.]

Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet!

Chandler: Yes that was a nice place!

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!

Joey: Yeah!

(Pause.)

Chandler: What are we gonna do?

Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza?

Chandler: About Ross!

Joey: Oh! Oh!

(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)

Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.

Chandler: (grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?

(The apartment manager hung up on him and he hangs up the phone and throws in on the chair. Joey motions, "What the hell was that?" Chandler makes a face to say, "Think about it." Joey tries to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly, light dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.)

Chandler: Ohhhhh!

(Joey motions, "Now, that's thinking!")

[Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the stairs.]

Rachel: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there!

Monica: Just go over and say hi.

Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy.

(Monica obeys.)

Monica: Hey, Danny!

Danny: Hey! What's going on?

Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this? (Points to his plate.)

Danny: Salad.

Monica: Ooooh! (Rachel now succeeds in getting downstairs.) And-and-and what-what's this? (Points again.)

Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef?

(Rachel returns.)

Monica: (upon seeing Rachel she points) Oh.

Danny: Hey! Rachel!

Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party.

Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it.

Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime.

Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. (He heads off.)

Rachel: Yeah, sure. (To Monica) All right, whose court is the ball in now?

Monica: I thought there wasn't a ball?

Rachel: Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place!

Danny: (returning, with a friend) Rachel, this is my friend Tom. (To Tom) This is the girl I told you about.

Rachel: Oh, go on! You telling people about me?

Danny: You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle. (Leaves.)

Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies.

Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, okay, at ease solider!

Tom: I'm sorry?

Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros!

Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend.

Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try."

(He walks off.)

Rachel: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park!

Monica: I think I need a drink.

Rachel: Yeah!

(They go get a drink.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross still has boxes all over the place. Joey is wearing a football helmet, and Chandler is spinning him around in one of the chairs and counting.]

Chandler: 98. 99. 100. Okay, go!

Joey: (getting up) Dude, I'm telling ya! I'm fine! (He tries to take a step and falls flat on his face.)

(He tries to get up again and starts falling backwards and Chandler catches him.)

Chandler: Here we go! Here we go!

(Ross enters.)

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application.

Joey: You're kidding!

Chandler: You're kidding, no!

Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So…

Joey: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomies!

Ross: Look, you guys don't need me here taking up your space.

Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there (Points to where the window is but sees that there isn't any space there and points towards his door.) by-by that speaker. Please, just stay!

Chandler: Yeah!

Ross: Are you guys sure about this?

Joey: Definitely!

Chandler: Yes! Ross, you have to stay!

Ross: All right.

Joey: All right!

Chandler: All right, buddy!

Ross: So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do everything I can to keep my annoying habits just (Does the 'quiet down' maneuver).

(Chandler and Joey smile, but when Ross turns away look at each other with looks of horror.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.]

Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?

Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun!

Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?

Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!

(Chandler does so.)

End

The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks

Written by: Greg Malins

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone has just finished Thanksgiving dinner and are groaning over their fullness.]

Rachel: Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever! I think you killed us.

Ross: I couldn't possibly eat another bite.

Joey: I need something sweet.

Phoebe: Does anyone wanna watch TV?

All: Yeah, sure.

(She starts pushing the power button on the remote, but it's not facing the TV so it doesn't work.)

Phoebe: Monica your remote doesn't work.

Monica: Phoebe, you have to lift it and point.

Phoebe: Oh. Aw, forget it.

Rachel: Yeah, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where everyone says one thing that they're thankful for.

Joey: Ooh-ooh, I! I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having.

Monica: That's very nice.

Chandler: That's sweet, Joey.

Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs. (Note: Actually, I think every guy is thankful for thongs. That and spandex. J )

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Joey is talking about the wonder that is the thong.]

Joey: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering. I mean, it's amazing how much they can do with so little material! And the way they play with your mind! Is it there? Is it not there?

Chandler: Are you aware that you're still talking?

Monica: Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong?

Ross: Huh, I don't know what to pick. Am I more thankful for my divorce or my eviction? Hmm.

Phoebe: Wow! See, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything.

Ross: I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worse Thanksgiving ever.

Chandler: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me.

Rachel: Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents got divorced again are you?

Ross: Oh God, no.

Joey: Oh, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out!

Chandler: It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family.

(And with that, we start a series of flashbacks to Thanksgiving's of years gone by.)

Thanksgiving 1978

[Scene: The Bing household, Mr. and Mrs. Bing and Young Chandler are eating Thanksgiving dinner as a housekeeper serves them.]

Mrs. Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce it doesn't mean we don't love you. It just means he would rather sleep with the house-boy than me.

The Housekeeper: More turkey Mr. Chandler? (And he makes eyes at him.)

Present Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Ross: You're right. Yours is worse. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings.

Phoebe: I don't know about that. I've got one that's worse.

Chandler: Really? Worse than, "More turkey Mr. Chandler?"

Phoebe: Oh, did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? Yes, mine's worse!

Thanksgiving 1862

[Scene: A Union battlefield hospital, Phoebe, in a past life, is tending to a wounded Union soldier. (By the way, for historical perspective, 1862 was the second year of the American Civil War.)]

Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying—(She is cut off by an exploding shell just outside the tent. When the smoke clears, she's missing an arm and the blood is pumping out like you'd see in a horror movie. And upon seeing her condition, she says…) Oh no.

Present Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Ross: In this life, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh, this life! Oh okay no, Chandler's is worse.

Joey: Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! I don't have any past life memories.

Phoebe: Of course you don't sweetie. You're brand new.

Rachel: I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.

Monica: Oh, let's not tell this story.

All: Oh, come on!

Phoebe: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head!

Rachel: What?! Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?!

Joey: Hey, it's not like it sounds.

Chandler: It's exactly like it sounds.

Thanksgiving 1992

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Phoebe is entering.]

Joey: (muffled) Hello?

Phoebe: (surprised) Hello?

Joey: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Joey? What's going on?

Joey: Look. (He walks out of the bathroom with his head stuck in a huge turkey.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Joey: I know! It's stuck!!!

Phoebe: (walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step. How did it get on?

Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out!

Joey: Well then help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here.

Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head up a dead animal.

(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey basted—Oh my God! Oh my God! (She sees someone is stuck in the turkey.) Who is that?

Joey: It's Joey.

Monica: What-what are you doing? Is this supposed to be funny?

Phoebe: No, it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be scary.

Monica: Well, get it off now!

Joey: I can't! It-it's stuck!

Monica: Well, I don't care! That-that turkey has to feed 20 people at my parent's house and they're not gonna eat it off your head!

Phoebe: All right, hold on! Okay, let's just all think.

(They all start thinking. Joey starts rubbing his chin, of course his chin is currently inside the turkey so he ends up rubbing the turkey. And I didn't do that joke one bit of justice. It's one of those you have to see it to get it jokes.)

Monica: Okay, I got it. Phoebe? All right, you pull. I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can. (Joey starts giggling.) Joey? Now is not the time!

Joey: Sorry! Sorry.

(They get into position to pull the turkey off.)

Monica: Okay, count to three. 1. 2. 3!

(They both pull but Joey slips out and starts to fall backwards just as Chandler enters, scaring him.)

Chandler: Arghhhhhh!! (Joey turns around to taunt him, but Chandler is in the doorway and Joey is facing the kitchen.)

Joey: (pointing) It worked! I scared ya, I knew it! Ha-ha!

Chandler: I'm over here big guy.

Joey: (turning all the way around, and still not facing Chandler) Yeah, you are! (Starts dancing.) I scared you!

Present Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Chandler: (laughing) You did look like an idiot.

Joey: Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot. All right? Remember when Ross tried to say, "Butternut squash?" And it came out, "Squatternut buash?"

Ross: Yeah that's the same.

Monica: That's it. That's my worse Thanksgiving.

Phoebe: Oh wait! That can't be the one Rachel's talking about. She didn't even know that happened. So which one was it?

All: Which one?

Monica: Umm, I-I really don't want to tell this story.

Chandler: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians.

Monica: Look umm, of all people, you do not want me to tell this story!

Thanksgiving 1987

[Scene: The Geller household, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner. The doorbell rings.]

Mrs. Geller: Monica! I think Rachel's here!

Monica: I'll get it! (She runs in, and she's her old fat self like The One With The Prom Video. Not only that, she's out of breath after running a short distance. She goes over and opens the door to reveal Rachel with her old nose.) Happy Thanksgiving!

Big Nosed Rachel: Not for me. Chip and I broke up!

Fat Monica: Oh, why? Why? What happened?

Big Nosed Rachel: Well, you know that my parents are out of town and Chip was going to come over…

Fat Monica: Yeah, yeah, and you were going him y'know, your flower.

Big Nosed Rachel: Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?! It really creeps me out when you call it that! Okay, and by the way, while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believe me! (Walks into the living room and greets Monica's parents.) Hi!

Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel!

Big Nosed Rachel: Happy Thanksgiving!

Mrs. Geller: You too sweethart!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

(He brought home Chandler for Thanksgiving. Chandler is sporting the very popular Flock of Seagulls haircut. Yeah, it's another you have to see it to believe it kinda thing.)

Mr. Geller: Oh my!

Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band!

Fat Monica: Ross! (Wanting to be introduced.)

Ross: Oh, this is Monica.

Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister.

Chandler: (seeing her) Okay.

Mrs. Geller: I'm so glad you could come Chandler, we've got plenty of food so I hope you're hungry.

Ross: Oh, mom. Mom. Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food.

Mrs. Geller: Oh, well, I'm so glad you brought him here then.

Fat Monica: Umm, Chandler, if you want I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner.

Chandler: Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in.

(As she is drinking, Monica laughs and Chandler's joke and Diet Coke comes out of her nose.)

Fat Monica: dammit! (Runs off.)

(Ross points out Rachel to Chandler and goes over to talk to her. Rachel is checking out her nose in her compact mirror.)

Ross: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? Y'know since I've been away at college.

Big Nosed Rachel: Oh! No, not really.

Ross: Well, that's cool. So did… (She walks away from him and he shuts up.)

(Rachel wanders into the kitchen where Monica is making Chandler's dinner.)

Big Nosed Rachel: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson. I am never going out with him again. I don't care how much he begs!

Fat Monica: I think his begging days are over now that he's going out with Nancy Branson.

Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. (Ross is overhearing this.) Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men!

Ross: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that bowl that you and Jack were looking for.

Fat Monica: Call them mom and dad you loser!

Ross: (in a high pitched voice) Monica!

[Time lapse, dinner has finished and Chandler is sitting on the couch eating some pie. Monica sits down beside him, and he gets pushed up a little by the wave she makes in the couch.]

Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese?

Chandler: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef.

Fat Monica: Okay!

(He gets up and walks away as Rachel come running over all excited.)

Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what?! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight!

Fat Monica: Oh that's so great!

Big Nosed Rachel: I know!

Fat Monica: Oh gosh, listen if you and Chip do it tonight, promise me you'll tell me everything.

Big Nosed Rachel: Oh totally, totally. Y'know it's not that big of deal, we already kinda did it once y'know.

Fat Monica: I know, but y'know, this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it!

Big Nosed Rachel: I know, I know. And oh, and this time Chip promised that-that this time it will last at least for an entire song!

[Cut to the kitchen, Ross and Chandler are doing the dishes.]

Ross: So I’m thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe play her that song we wrote last week.

Chandler: Emotional Knapsack?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don’t take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez.

Ross: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I’m gonna be out with her all night.

Chandler: Dude, don't do that too me!

(Monica enters behind them.)

Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind.

(Monica suddenly gets very happy.)

Chandler: No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister.

Ross: Hey!

(Upon hearing this, Monica starts to break down and storms out. Only to be stopped by her parents.)

Mrs. Geller: (holding two pies) Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room left in the fridge.

Fat Monica: No. No, thank you!

Mr. Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, back to the present day.]

Chandler: I called you fat?! I don't even remember that!

Monica: Well, I do.

Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!

Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat.

Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you.

Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry.

Rachel: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about.

Monica: Yes, it was!

Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the…

Monica: (interrupting her) Okay, now Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree?!

Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story!

Chandler: We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story!

Phoebe: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but y'know whatever.

Thanksgiving 1988

[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Mrs. Geller is cooking and Rachel, post nose job, is helping her.]

Mrs. Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again.

Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology building.

Mr. Geller: (entering) Hi Rachel.

Rachel: Oh hi!

Mr. Geller: Wow, love your new nose!

Mrs. Geller: Jack.

Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see? (He starts to show her as the doorbell rings.)

Mrs. Geller: I'll get it.

Rachel: No, God! Please, let me! (Runs out.)

(She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back then!)

Rachel: Hey!

Ross: Hey. (To his parents) Happy Thanksgiving!

Mr. Geller: (To Chandler) God, your hair sure is different!

Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. (They both quickly push their sleeves over their elbows.)

Ross: So uh, where's Monica?

Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.

(Monica enters, but she forgot something. Oh, about 150 pounds. In other words, she lost weight, big time!)

Monica: Hi, Chandler.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress? (She turns around making sure he gets a good look.)

Chandler: You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body!

Ross: Dude!

Chandler: Sorry!

Mrs. Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really want to hear about is Ross's new girlfriend.

Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams!

Monica: So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner.

(She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches her leave and admires the view.)

Mr. Geller: Dude!

Chandler: Sorry.

(In the kitchen.)

Rachel: (entering) Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great!

Monica: Well it didn't!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't feel like I got him back, y'know? I just want to humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like naked and then I'm going to point at him and laugh!

Rachel: Okay, that we may be able to do.

Monica: How?

Rachel: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex.

Monica: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him!

Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you're not actually gonna have sex with him! You're just gonna make him think that you are.

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him!

Rachel: Then, you will definitely get him back!

Monica: Okay, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him?

Rachel: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns you on.

Monica: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like umm, oh-oh, like this dishtowel! (She grabs it and starts rubbing it on her cheek.) Ooh, ooh, this feels sooo good against my cheek! And-and if I feel a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I can bring it down to my side and bring it through my fingers while I talk to him.

Monica: (excited) I can do that!

Rachel: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. (To Chandler) Hey, what's up? (She leaves and closes the door behind her.)

Chandler: Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year.

Monica: Umm, I'd love too! (She goes over and picks up the box and decides to follow Rachel's advice and holds the box up to her cheek.) Ooh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way this box feels against my cheek.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds them between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She picks up a knife without putting the box down. She's holding the box between her cheek and shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have any exposed skin within reach of the knife, so while holding the carrots in one hand and the box between her face and shoulder, she rubs the knife on her stomach.)

Chandler: Are you all right?

Monica: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that—(She drops the box and in a reflex action tries to catch it with her arm, the knife slips out and slowly flips through the air and comes point first down into Chandler's shoe.)

[Scene: The hospital, Chandler has been rushed to the emergency room.]

The Doctor: What do we got here?

The Paramedic: Twenty year old has got a severed toe on his right foot.

(They go through the doors into the trauma room, opening them by ramming the gurney through them, only Chandler's foot is hanging off the end and he screams in pain.)

Ross: Can you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just said it!

The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right through your shoe.

Mr. Geller: Of course it did. They're made of wicker.

The Doctor: Did you bring the toe?

Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! (She takes a bag of ice out of her purse and hands it to the doctor.)

The Doctor: (opening it) Don't worry son, we'll just attach it and—(Stops suddenly.)

Monica: What?! What is it?

The Doctor: You brought a carrot.

Chandler: What?

The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot.

Rachel: You brought a carrot?!

Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen.

Monica: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it!

The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound.

Chandler: Without my toe?! I need my toe!

Monica: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche!

Mr. Geller: Oh, I'm not falling for that one!

Present Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is reacting to the story.]

Chandler: That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?!

Monica: I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an accident.

Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?!

Monica: I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe!

Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. (He storms out.)

Monica: Chandler! (Follows him out.)

Ross: (To Joey) Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with that.

Joey: You're a dork.

[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is standing in front of his door.]

Chandler: I can't believe this.

Monica: Chandler, I said I was sorry.

Chandler: Yeah, well, sorry doesn’t bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later.

Monica: Oh wait, Chandler, come here is there anything I can do? Anything?

Chandler: Yeah, just leave me alone for a while. (He goes into his apartment.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is running around him and quacking.]

Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I’m happy all the time!

(There's a knock on the door and Chandler gets up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal Monica with a turkey over her head.)

Chandler: Nice try.

Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)

Chandler: Look, Monica…

Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)

Chandler: This is not going to work.

Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)

Chandler: You are so great! I love you!

(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!

Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!

Chandler: No I didn't!

Monica: Yes, you did!

Chandler: No I didn't!

Monica: You love me!

Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)

Ending Credits

Thanksgiving 1915

[Scene: The Western front during World War I, Phoebe, in yet another past life, is once again a nurse tending to yet another dying soldier. But this time she's doing it with a French accent.]

French Phoebe:  Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze in here! (A shell explodes outside next to the tent and when the smoke clears, Phoebe still has her arm.) Whew! (Her arm falls off and starts pumping out blood.) This is getting ridiculous uh!

End

The One With Ross's Sandwich

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the entire gang is there, eating breakfast. Phoebe is on the couch, fidgeting.]

Phoebe: What am I sitting on?

Chandler: Top of the world? Dock of the bay? (He tries to think of another but can't) I'm out.

Phoebe: (taking something out of the couch) Ew-eww!! Undies!

(She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel picks them up with the handle of a large spoon. Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on their faces.)

Rachel: All right! Who's are they? Who's are they?

Ross: Well, they're not mine!

Chandler: Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's!

(Rachel turns and stares at him.)

Joey: Yeah, they're mine.

Chandler: See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's!

Ross: Why are they here?

Joey: I don't know uhh… (Pause as he thinks about it.) Well, I'm Joey. Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes.

Rachel: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong with you?

Chandler: Yeah!

Monica: Yeah!

Rachel: (waving them in his face) Take 'em! (Joey makes a noise and jumps out of the way.) Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear.

Joey: (reluctantly taking them) Chandler? A word.

(Follows Joey into their apartment and shrugs on his way out.)

[Cut to the guy's apartment.]

Joey: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two! This has got to stop! (Realizes he still has the underwear in his hand.) Ahh! (Throws them towards Chandler's room.) And tighty-whiteys! What are you, 8?

Monica: (entering) Thank you Joey, thank you so much!

Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing me! (To Monica) Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a play. And one thing led to another and (He puts his leg on the chair and pulls up his pants leg to reveal that he now has shaved legs.)

Monica: (inspecting his leg) Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a tough spot.

Joey: Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't…

Chandler: (interrupting him) All this lying has been hard on us too.

Joey: Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier!

Chandler: Well, yeah actually.

Monica: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's just that, we don't want everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason it's going really well is because it's a secret.

Chandler: I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships.

Monica: We are! Help us!

Chandler: Help!

Joey: All right! But, (To Monica) you do it with me once.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Didn't think so.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her nose stuck in a book.]

Monica: Hey, Phoebe!

Chandler: Hi, Pheebs!

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs!

Joey: Hey, Pheebs!

Rachel: What are you reading?

Phoebe: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a literature class at the New School and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow.

Chandler: I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool.

Phoebe: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.

Rachel: Honey that sounds like fun.

Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, you should come with me! Oh yeah, then I'd have someone to sit with!

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay—ooh, but are you going to have time to read it?

Rachel: Oh, I read that in high school.

Phoebe: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-shhh, I have to finish.

Ross: (entering, depressed) Hi.

Joey: What's wrong buddy?

Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!

Chandler: Well, what did the police say?

Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. I can't believe someone ate it!

Chandler: Ross, it's just a sandwich!

Ross: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old, I'm about to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life!

Monica: Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for one more sandwich, I mean I was going to eat it myself, but (motions that he can have it.)

Ross: (quietly) That-that would be incredible. Thank you so much. I-I still can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and everything.

(Shows the note to Chandler who reads it aloud.)

Chandler: (reading) Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay?

Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch.

Phoebe: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people off. I learned that living on the street.

Ross: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?"

Chandler: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?

Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. (Writes him a note and the gang reads it.)

All: Whoa! Ohh!!

Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad ass!

Phoebe: Someday I'll, tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Well, he stabbed me first!!

[Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already started and Rachel walks in late.]

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Sorry I'm late, but I left late.

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: So Pheebs, what is the book about?

Phoebe: I thought you said you read it in high school.

Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anyway—umm, what is this book about?

Phoebe: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff and umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in England. Which I think represents the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism.

The Teacher: How would you characterize the theme of this book, uh let's see here (looks at his attendance sheet), Rachel Green?

Rachel: Umm, well I would have to say that it's a, it's tragic love story.

The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else?

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the mores, which I think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character.

The Teacher: Excellent! What Rachel has shrewdly observed here…

Phoebe: (To Rachel) You completely stole my answer!

Rachel: Well, honey that was pretty obvious.

Phoebe: Well how would you know?! You didn't even read it!

The Teacher: What do you think? You in the blue shirt.

Phoebe: I think that uh, yours is a question with many answers.

The Teacher: Would ya care to venture one?

Phoebe: Would you care to venture one?

The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?

Phoebe: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?

The Teacher: All right, let's move on.

Phoebe: Okay then.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel return from the class.]

Phoebe: Yeah but why didn't you just say that you didn't read the book?!

Rachel: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you!

Ross: (entering) Phoebe!

Phoebe: Yeah?

Ross: Phoebe! You're note, amazing! Not only did no one touch my sandwich, but people at work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy called me mental! Mental Geller, yeah, I always wanted a cool nickname like that.

Monica: Yeah, the best you got in high school was Wet Pants Geller.

Ross: That was the water fountain! Okay?! Anyway, people are writing reports for me, uh pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm telling you, you get tough with people you can get anything you want. (Joey walks by with a cup of coffee.) Hey Tribbiani, give me that coffee! Now!

(Joey casually pushes Ross over the back of the couch and sits down proud of himself.)

[Scene: The hallway, Joey is returning from a date with Cynthia.]

Cynthia: God, this was really fun! I've been wondering if you were going to ask me out.

Joey: So you uh, still wondering?

Cynthia: No, we just went out.

Joey: You're smart. I like that.

(He goes to open the door to his apartment, but finds it locked. As he's getting out his keys, Chandler and Monica quickly jump up from making out in the living room and run to Chandler's bedroom. The apartment has about 20 candles burning all over the place. Joey opens the door and ushers Cynthia in.)

Cynthia: Oh, candles! (Notices something.) What is that? A blanket? A video camera? Oh my God! (As she storms out, Rachel returns and overhears the conversation.)

Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!!

Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having sex on the first date! (She storms away and Rachel enters to confront Joey.)

Joey: Hiya.

Rachel: Joey, is what she just said umm—Oh my God. (Looks around the room.) You were actually gonna… (Chandler picks this moment to return to the living room.) (Rachel stares in shock.)

Chandler: What is going on here?

Rachel: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick?

(Chandler silently pleads with Joey to cover for them.)

Joey: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. (Points at Chandler, angrily.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; continued from earlier. Joey is closing the door after Rachel leaves and is about to confront Chandler and Monica.]

Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good Joey name is being dragged through the mud here!

Monica: We're so sorry.

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Well, I'm telling everyone about you! That's the only way to explain the underwear and the video camera that doesn't make me look like a pig!

Chandler: No-no, wait! There's got to be a better explanation. You can tell them you had to make an adult film for your (Thinks) adult film class.

Joey: Yeah, I like that. But no-no, how does that explain why Rachel found my underwear at your place?

Chandler: Oh—I don't know.

Joey: Well, get ready to come out of the non-gay closet!

Monica: Okay, just wait, please. I promise we'll come up with something. Just give us a little more time.

Joey: All right. Hey, but it better make me look really, really good. (Starts for his room.) Oh, and another thing, the video camera? Nice!!

[Scene: The Museum of Prehistoric History (Ross's work); Ross is in the break room eating lunch as his boss, Dr. Leedbetter walks in.]

Dr. Leedbetter: Umm, Ross. May I have a word with you?

Ross: Yeah, of course, Donald.

Dr. Leedbetter: We've been getting reports of some very angry behavior on your part.

Ross: What?!

Dr. Leedbetter: Threatening letters, refusal to meet deadlines, apparently people now call you mental.

Ross: (Proudly) Yeah.

Dr. Leedbetter: We want you to speak to a psychiatrist.

Ross: Oh no, you-you don't understand. Ugh, this is so silly. Umm, this is all because of a sandwich.

Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) A sandwich?

Ross: Yeah. You see my-my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches. Her secret is, she puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked bread in the middle; I call it the Moist Maker. Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here…

Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) Oh, you know what?

Ross: What?

Dr. Leedbetter: I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate that.

Ross: You ate my sandwich?

Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.

Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moist Maker?

Dr. Leedbetter: No.

Ross: Do you perhaps seeing a note on top of it?

Dr. Leedbetter: There may have been a-a joke or a limerick of some kind.

Ross: (getting angry) That said it was my sandwich?!

Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash.

Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What?

Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away.

Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away!

[Cut to an outside shot of the museum.]

Ross: (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!!

[Cut to a shot of a park.]

Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons away.)

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's class; Rachel walks in, on time this time.]

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel: (sitting down) So umm, what's this book about?

Phoebe: You didn't read this one either?!

Rachel: Well, I was gonna, but I accidentally read something else.

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: Vogue! Hey, so tell me about this Jane Eyre woman.

Phoebe: No! You should've read it yourself!

Rachel: Come on Phoebe! Don’t be such a goodie-goodie!

Phoebe: Fine! Okay, all right, so Jane Eyre, first of all, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not. She's a cyborg.

Rachel: A cyborg?! Isn't that like a robot?!

Phoebe: Yeah, this book was light years ahead of its time.

The Teacher: (entering) Sorry I'm late. Let's get started. So, what did everybody think about Jane Eyre?

Phoebe: Umm, Rachel and I were just discussing it and she had some very interesting insights.

The Teacher: Well, go ahead Rachel.

Rachel: Uh, thank you Phoebe. Umm, well, what struck me most when reading Jane Eyre was uh, how the book was so ahead of its time.

The Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right.

Rachel: Yeah, well, feminism yes, but also the robots.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch as Monica joins him.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey. Okay, so umm, since that video camera thing didn't work out uh, I thought that I would give you just a little preview. (Hands him a Polaroid.)

Chandler: (gasps) You're naked in this picture!

Monica: I know.

(Ross walks in, eating cotton candy. Monica nudges Chandler who hides the picture in his magazine. Ross sits down on the chair, he seems kinda out of it.)

Chandler: Ross?

Ross: (in a stupor) Hey Chandler. (Sees Monica.) Monica!

Monica: Ross, are you okay?

Ross: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.

Monica: Why?!

Ross: On account of my rage.

Chandler: Which I may say, right now, is out of control.

Ross: He gave me a pill for it.

Monica: A pill?

Ross: Uh-huh. Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss I started to get worked up again, so he offered me a tranquilizer. And I thought was a good idea so, I took it.

Monica: Wait a minute, they're making you take time off work?

Chandler: And you're okay with that?

Ross: I don't know. It's going to be weird not having a job for a while, but I, I definitely don't care about my sandwich.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are returning from class.]

Rachel: (entering, angrily) Ugh, that was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that!

Phoebe: (smiling) I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing Jane Eyre to Robocop.

Rachel: That was not funny!

Phoebe: Well, I snapped! Okay? You weren't taking the class seriously.

Rachel: Phoebe, come on! What is the big deal? I thought this was going to be something we could do together! Y'know, I thought it would be fun!

Phoebe: Well, yeah! Fun is good, but y'know I also wanted to learn. Y'know, people are always talking about what they learned in high school and I never went to high school.

Rachel: Ohh. Oh, so you really wanted to learn. Yeah, y'know, Pheebs I just wanted to have fun. Ohh, you know who you should go with?

[Scene: The Class; Monica has taken Rachel's spot.]

Monica: (yelling and waving her hand in the air) I know! I know! I know!

The Teacher: Monica, you asked the question.

(She sits back defeated, and Phoebe groans with disgust.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; Joey returns carrying a bucket of chicken, and starts going through the mail. While doing this, Monica's picture falls out. He bends over to pick it up and gasps. While he's staring at the picture, Rachel decides to come over and sees him looking at the picture.]

Rachel: (sees the picture) Oh my God! That's Monica!!

Joey: Oh no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no!

Rachel: You get away from me!! You sick, sick, sick, sick-o!!

Ross: (entering, with the rest of the gang) What's going on?

Rachel: Joey has got a secret peephole!

Chandler: (Sees the picture) Oh no! No! No! No! (Monica gasps as well.)

Rachel: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats chicken and looks at them!

(Ross stares in shock at him as he angrily puts down the chicken and takes off his coat.)

Rachel: Look! (Shows Ross the picture.)

Ross: (covering his eyes) Dude! That's my sister! (She shows the rest of the gang.)

Monica: (grabbing the picture) Give me that!

Phoebe: All right, wait! Just wait. Everybody just calm down. Okay? Let's give our friend Joey a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert!

Joey: No! I am not a pervert! Okay? It's just… I just… Kinda…

Chandler: All right, look! Look. I think I can explain this.

(He walks over and stands behind Joey.)

Joey: Thank you!

Chandler: Joey's a sex addict.

Joey: What?!! (He turns around and stares at Chandler who's silently pleading with Joey to go along with it.) No I'm not!!

Monica: It's okay! It's good! It's good. It's a disease!

Joey: No! No! I am not a sex addict!

Monica: Yes you are! That's the only way to explain all this stuff!

Joey: No it isn't! No, it's not. Because you can also explain it with the truth!

Rachel: Well, what is the truth?

Ross: Yeah, what's going on?

Phoebe: What's going on?

Joey: (thinking) I slept with Monica.

Chandler: Well let's….let's see what everybody thinks of that?

Monica: Oh no!

Ross: You slept with my sister?

Joey: Uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh, in London.

Ross: This is not good for my rage. (Takes another pill.)

Rachel: Monica, is this true?

Joey: Of course it's true! How else would you explain all the weird stuff that's been going on?

Monica: Yes it's true.

Rachel: Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day?

Joey: Ahh—oy! That was the underwear I was wearing that night in London. Right Monica?

Monica: I guess I wanted to keep it (Pause) as a souvenir.

Ross: My God Monica!!

Chandler: Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict?

Joey: No! If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica! Yeah. Yeah. She has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London!

Phoebe: So that's why she gave you a naked picture of herself.

Joey: That makes sense!

Rachel: And the video camera?

Joey: Uhh, Monica?

Monica: I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey.

Joey: But sadly I could not be enticed.

Ross: Unbelievable! I mean you really kept Joey's underwear?! Why? Why would you do that?!

Monica: I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants.

Joey: Well, I think we've all learned something about who's disgusting and who's not. Eh? All right, now, I'm going to get back to my bucket. I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs. (Offers it to everyone.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's class; the class has ended and Phoebe is talking to one of her classmates.]

Phoebe: I really thought you making a good point. I mean y'know, until you got cut off.

A Female Student: Yeah, what's up with that girl Monica?

Phoebe: I don't know! I didn't come with her!

Monica: (entering, happily) All right everybody! Everybody guess what? I just convinced Paul to give us a test next week!

All: A test?!!

Monica: Come on! Tests make us all better learners! Oh yeah! (Running out) We should have essay questions!!

End

The One With The Inappropriate Sister

Written By: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

With Help From: Aaron Miller

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Ross is cleaning out the fridge. Joey walks from his room. He looks like he just woke up.]

Joey: What are you doing?

Ross: I...reorganized the fridge. See, bottom shelf: meats and dairy. (There’s nothing on the shelf.) Middle shelf: fruits and vegetables. (There’s one lone tomato.) And top shelf: expired products. (The shelf is jammed packed.)

Joey: Why are you doing this?

Ross: Because I am bored...Out of my mind. I’ve already been to the bank, post office, and the dry cleaners.

Joey: Dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff. You’ve got to spread it out a little, you know. Haven’t you ever been unemployed?

Ross: Hey, I am not unemployed. I’m on sabbatical!

Joey: Hey, don’t get religious on me, ok. (Ross looks a little confused.) A guy in your position needs to be a little better at relaxing. You know. Why do you think we have the comfortable chairs? Huh...come here…sit down. (Ross sits down.) Ready? (Joey flips the foot rest up.) Ahh!! (He reclines the chair fully.) Ohh, yeah!! Huh?!

Ross: So what, we just sit?

Joey: Ohh, no, no. We’re not going to just sit. (Joey sits down and hits the speed dial button on the phone.) Shhh. (It begins to ring.)

Chandler: (Answering the phone at work) Hello, Chandler Bing.

Joey: (In a high pitched female voice) Hello Mr. Bing...I love you.

Chandler: (Angrily) Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! (Ross and Joey laugh silently.) It’s been six months! It’s not funny!

Joey: But, I love you.

Chandler: Leave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone!!! (Joey hangs up.)

Joey: And that’s Wednesday. (He reclines in his chair.) Ohh.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are there. Phoebe walks in ringing a bell.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys, guess what?

Chandler: The British are coming?

Phoebe: Ohh, you and your ways. (She shakes the bell at him and sits down.) Since it’s Christmastime. I’m going to be one of those people collection donations.

All: Ohh.

Phoebe: (Excitedly) Yeah, I already have my bell and later on...I get my bucket.

Chandler: Ohh.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I’m going to be out there spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So this year, I’m going to do the whole city.

Monica: You know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular. (Chandler laughs.)

Joey: So Pheebs, where are you doing all, your bell ringing?

Phoebe: Ohh, they gave me a great spot. Right by Macys. Yeah, they hardly ever give such a good spot to a rookie, but I’m the only one who can sing "Merry Christmas" in 25 languages. (She smirks.) I lied.

Rachel: Oh my god. Ok you guys, there’s Danny. Watch. Just watch this. (He walks past the couch to the counter.) See?! Still pretending he’s not interested. Ohh, he’s coming over. Just pretend like we don’t know him. We’ve forgotten who he is.

Danny: Hey guys.

All: Hey Danny.

Monica: Danny? You know Rachel? She’s nice. She’s not bad to look at, right?

Rachel: Thanks, Mon.

Danny: Well, of course.

Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with her?

Rachel: Monica!!!

Danny: (Looking at Monica) Absolutely! Is Friday okay?

Monica: Friday’s perfect...She can’t wait.

Danny: (To Monica) On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly? (To Rachel) See ya Friday. (He walks out.)

Rachel: (Somewhat angrily) Okay. What the hell was that? You know what? Don’t answer me. (Giggling) I have a date with Danny.

[Scene: Estelle's (Joey's Agent) Office, Joey is there.]

Joey: How could I not get the part? The play was about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens.

Estelle: Well, Telia Shire suddenly became available.

Joey: She’s a woman!

Estelle: What can I say? She nailed it.

Joey: (Very discouraged) Okay, is there anything else?

Estelle: Well, you’re just going to say no again but...gay porn.

[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is collecting donations and ringing her bell.]

Phoebe: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo, and Merry Christmas. (A man put some change in her bucket.) Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy. (She waves her hand up and down as if she is spreading joy.)

Monica: (Walking in from off screen.) Phoebe!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: I just wanted to see how it's going.

Phoebe: Well, it's going okay.

Monica: (Taking out her wallet.) Well good, here let me help you out.

Phoebe: Oh, thanks!

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: Wow!

(Monica puts some change in Phoebe's bucket.)

Phoebe: Is that a new Swede jacket? It looks really expensive.

Monica: Yeah. I guess. (She puts more money in the bucket.)

Phoebe: Just get your nails done?

Monica: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay? (She pours out the rest of her change purse into the bucket.)

Phoebe: Okay! Thanks! Happy Holidays, here's your joy. (She waves her arm and spreads her joy.)

(A man walks up and puts a dollar bill in.)

Phoebe: Thank you! And Happy Holidays.

(The man starts to take some change out.)

Phoebe: Wait, you can't take the money out.

The Man: I'm making change. I need change for the bus.

Phoebe: But, can't you leave the dollar? This money is for the poor.

The Man: I'm poor! I gotta take the bus!

Phoebe: Okay, Seasons Greetings and everything, but still…

The Man: Bite me, blondie! (The man storms off.)

Phoebe: Oh, I'm going to give him something else besides joy, just… (She scowls at him.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is telling Ross how he didn't get the part.]

Joey: That part was perfect for me! I can't believe I didn't get it!

Ross: I'm sorry, man. Hey, y'know what you should do? You should make something happen for yourself. Y'know, like-like write a play. Write a movie! Huh? I mean, what about those Good Will Hunting guys?

Joey: Come on Ross be realistic, y'know? If I did write something, what are the chances I could get those guys to star in it?

(Ross just stares at him until he figures it out.)

Joey: Wait a second, I could star in it!

Ross: Or that.

Joey: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an actor, I don't have the discipline that takes, y'know? I can't do it.

Ross: I'll help you. Yeah, I'll make up a schedule and make sure you stick to it. And plus, it'll give me something to do.

Joey: Really? You'd-you'd do that for me?!

Ross: Yeah!

Joey: Thanks!

Ross: (grabbing a notepad and sitting down) All right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character.

Joey: Done!

Ross: And it can't be Joey.

Joey: It's not.

Ross: Or Joseph.

Joey: (disappointed) Oh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning. Monica enters from her room wearing nothing but a robe.]

Monica: Hey, what's up?

Rachel: I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her.

Monica: Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Rachel: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship!!

Monica: You had no relationship!!

Rachel: No, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan!

Monica: Oh God, stop with the plan! So what, so what you saw him with a girl? Who cares?! That doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're going to go out on a date with Danny and you're going to be so charming he's gonna forget all about that stupid subway girl.

Rachel: She was kinda stupid. You're right. All right, I'm just gonna go on the date. I'm gonna go on the date. That is the new plan.

(Rachel goes into her room and closes the door. Which allows Monica to let Chandler out of her room.)

Monica: Come on, hurry!

(Chandler runs out the door and closes it behind him. After a short pause the door opens and Chandler comes rushing back through, grabs Monica, kisses her good-bye, and heads back out.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is trying to write his movie, Chandler is playing a game on the counter by trying to flip a ping pong ball with a spoon into a nearby bowl.]

Joey: Hey, how do you spell suspicious?

Chandler: Why?

Joey: Because I think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff.

(Chandler makes it into the bowl.)

Chandler: Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0.

Joey: You're driving me crazy with that!

Chandler: Okay, I'll stop.

Joey: Don’t stop! Move the bowl further away! Ross could make that shot!

(Chandler slides the bowl to the far end of the counter. He tries again, but he hits the spoon to hard and the ball goes flying away.)

Joey: Well, you suck! But at least you suck at a man's game now.

Chandler: You wanna play?

Joey: Chandler, I can't be playing games, Ross is gonna be home soon. And I have to write five whole pages if I'm gonna stick to his schedule.

Chandler: Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home.

Joey: (jumping up) All right! But uh, listen, what do you say we crank it up a notch?

Chandler: I'm intrigued.

Joey: All right, all we need is a little lighter fluid.

Chandler: Okay, but be careful okay, because I wanna get our security deposit back.

Joey: Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts.

Chandler: Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?

Joey: Uh yeah, right here. (He punches his fist through the wall next to the door.)

[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is still ringing her bell. A guy puts some change into the bucket.]

Phoebe: Thank you, Happy Holidays.

(Another woman walks up and throws something into the bucket.)

Phoebe: Now, that's trash. Young lady, you can't… (The lady ignores her and walks off.) Hey! Stop that young lady, she donated trash!

(Another guy walks by and throws his light cigarette butt in the bucket.)

Phoebe: Hey!! (The bucket starts smoking.) The charity's on fire! Help! (Yet another guy walks by carrying a cup, which Phoebe grabs.) Oh good! Thank you, I need that. (She throws onto the smoldering fire. Suddenly the bucket erupts in flames.) Whoa! What is that?! (She sniffs the cup.) (To the guy.) It's nine o'clock in the morning!

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is reading what Joey wrote.]

Ross: All right. (Reading.) A room. A man enters, he looks suspicious. (Stops reading a flips the page to find the next one is blank.) That's it? (Joey shrugs.) Joey, you're supposed to have five pages done by now! Including an exciting incident! (Flipping through the rest of the pad.) And what is, and what is all this?! (Reading.) The official rulebook of Fireball.

Joey: Yeah, that's the uh, game we were playing.

Chandler: (entering from his room carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing oven mitts) Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter fluid—Op! Op! (He puts out a small fire which has re-ignited in his room.)

Ross: This is helping your career?! Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor not the creator of crazy lawsuit game!

Joey: You're right, you're right, I'll get back to work.

Ross: (To Chandler) And shame on you! You should know better, Joey needs to work. (To Joey) Now come on!

Joey: Hey!

(He tries to fire a burnt tennis ball into the bowl Chandler is standing by, but Ross grabs the ball away from him.)

Ross: No! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! You can have this back when the five pages are done! (After Joey walks past, Ross throws the ball down in pain.) Ahh! (Chandler shows him the burn spots on his oven mitts.)

[Scene: Outside Danny's apartment, Danny and Rachel are returning from their date.]

Danny: I had a really nice time tonight.

Rachel: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out.

(He kisses her.)

Danny: I'd love to ask you in, but uh, my sister's visiting and I think she's asleep on the couch.

Rachel: You're sister? You're sister's asleep on the couch? (Danny nods, "Yes.") Ohhh! I saw her with you on the subway and now she's asleep on the couch!

Danny's Sister: (opening the door) Oh, I thought I heard you.

Danny: Oh hey, great, you're up. Rachel, this is my sister Krista. Krista, this is Rachel.

Rachel: Hi!

Krista: Nice to meet you. I wish you'd told me we were having company, I'd fix myself up!

Danny: Like it would help.

Krista: You are so bad! (Hits him softly.)

Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)

Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)

Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)

Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)

Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)

Krista: You are! (Hits him harder this time.)

Danny: You are so dead! I'm gonna get you.

(He starts chasing her around Rachel a couple of times before she runs into the living room and he tackles her on the couch where he starts tickling her.)

Rachel: (not sure what to do) Uh, it was very nice meeting you. (They continue to ignore her.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is complaining to Ross and Monica about the bucket.]

Phoebe: Nobody! Nobody respects the bucket! You wouldn't believe what people put in here! Look! (Hands it to Monica.) Okay, does this look like a garbage can to you?

Monica: No.

Phoebe: Does it look like an ashtray?

Monica: No.

Phoebe: Does it look like a urinal?

Monica: Eww!! (Throws the bucket down.)

Ross: So Pheebs, are you gonna go back out there or what?

Phoebe: Well, yeah! But I'm not gonna take anymore crap. Okay? No more Mrs. Nice Bucket!

Monica: Yeah, good for you. Y'know you're tough, you lived on the streets.

Phoebe: Yeah, I'm gonna go back to being Street Phoebe. Yeah! Oh but, y'know what? I can't go totally back because Street Phoebe really wouldn't be friends with you guys. Sorry. (Leaves.)

Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, umm, can I ask you guys something?

Monica and Ross: Sure.

Rachel: Uh, I don't have any brothers so I don't know, but uh, did you guys wrestle?

Ross: Oh-oh, yeah.

Monica: All the time. In fact, I was undefeated.

Ross: Uh, you weighted 200 pounds.

Monica: Still, I was quick as a cat.

Rachel: Well, I met Danny's sister yesterday, and uh that was actually the girl on the subway.

Monica: Oh, you're kidding.

Rachel: Yeah, they were very y'know…wrestley. But, I guess that's normal?

Monica: (laughing with Ross) We don't, we don't wrestle now.

Ross: Yeah, not since I got too strong for you.

Monica: Too strong for me?

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: You wanna go right now? 'Cause I'll take you right now, buddy! You wanna go?

Ross: Oh fine.

Monica: Ready? (They grab a hold of each other's necks.) Wrestle! (They start wrestling.)

Rachel: Okay, y'know what uh, actually, that's great. That helps a lot. Thanks. (She leaves them to wrestle.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is cleaning the foosball table, Joey is working on his script.]

Chandler: (entering from his bedroom) Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes! Come on, Joe!

Ross: Joey's not going.

Joey: (To Chandler) I didn't finish my five pages.

Chandler: Well, why can't you do them tomorrow?

Ross: Because tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's pages.

Joey: Yesterday's pages did not reflect my best work.

Chandler: (To Ross) Why don't you cut him a little slack? Okay? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done.

Ross: I think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to you and Fireball.

Joey: Dude, if you think Fireball's relaxing, you've obviously have never played.

Chandler: The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed.

Ross: I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical!

Joey: Come on look guys, don't fight.

Ross: And the reason I'm doing this is because I am Joey's friend. And if you were a good friend, you'd be doing the same thing.

Chandler: Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk?

Ross: If it does? Then you're an amazing friend of mine.

Joey: Hey-hey guys, hey! How about we settle this over a friendly game of Fireball? Huh? I'll go unhook the smoke detectors!

Ross: How about we settle this right now! (He rips up the tickets.) There! Now, no one's going to the game. Ha-ha-ha!

Chandler: I paid for those tickets!

Ross: No you didn't. You said you would, but you never did!

Chandler: Oh yeah! (Makes an unintelligible taunting sound.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are listening to a story being told by Danny and his sister.]

Danny: …so we finally get to the top of the mountain and airhead here (His sister) forgets the camera!

Joey: Oh, y'know the same thing happened to me one time.

Chandler: When did that happen to you?!

Joey: Don't you remember when we were jogging in the park and we saw that really pretty bird and wanted to take a picture—I didn't have my camera!

Chandler: Oh yeah. First off all, chasing the Churo guy isn't jogging.

Krista: Oh, this is so good (A piece of cake.) you have got to try it. (She takes some on her finger and feeds it to Danny. Then takes a little more and does it again. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang stares on in shock. Then they pick up a part of it and some filling falls into his lap.)

Danny: Oh, damn! I got it on my pants.

Krista: Here, I'll get it. (She grabs a napkin and tries to wipe it up. The thing that gets the rest of the gang going is that she's whipping awfully close to his crotch. In fact, she is whipping his crotch. Chandler's about to come out of his chair.)

Krista: We'd better take these pants off upstairs or that stain's gonna set.

Danny: Yep. (To Rachel) I'm gonna wear these on our date tonight.

Rachel: Oh, great!

Chandler: Okay, bye! (To the gang.) Oh my God!!

Monica: That was unbelievable!

Rachel: Okay, see? I told you!

Joey: Yeah, wow, sorry Rach.

Chandler: I don't believe they're brother and sister.

Joey: They're brother and sister!!!

[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe has adorned her bucket with numerous signs. Like "We are not a urinal!" and "I have no Macys info." And other stuff like that. She also has a scowl on her face as she is ringing her bell. A little old lady walks up to make a donation but Phoebe stops her.]

Phoebe: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute, open up your hand; let me take a look. (The lady opens up her hand.) Quarter. Dime. Lint? Not interested in that. (She throws the lint away.) What's this? A Canadian coin? Get outta here! (The lady walks away.)

(Another man walks up with a drink in his hand, Phoebe stops him too.)

Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No drinks near the bucket! Set it down over there and then you can make a contribution! (The guy starts to walk away with a hurt look on his face.) And you can leave the hurt bunny look over there too! (Her boss and a co-worker walk up.) Hi Bob! (The same old lady from before walks bye.) (To the old lady.) I thought I told you to get outta here!

Bob: Uh, Phoebe we've been getting complaints and uh, we're gonna move you to a less high-profile spot.

Phoebe: What?!

Bob: Umm, Ginger's gonna take over this corner.

Phoebe: That chick can't handle my corner.

Bob: Look, either you leave, or we remove you.

Phoebe: Fine. (She hands her bell to Ginger and starts to take down her signs.) (The same old lady walks by again.) All right, I'll give you one pointer. Look out for that bitch. (The old lady.)

[Scene: Danny's apartment, there's a knock on the door and he answers it.]

Danny: Oh, hey Rach! I thought we said seven?

Rachel: Yeah uh, y'know what uh, let's skip it.

Danny: What?! Why?!

Rachel: Umm, you-you and your sister seem to have umm, a very special bond, and…

Danny: Oh great! That special bond again! Why do women have such a problem with the fact that I'm close with my sister?

Rachel: Well, okay, look. I don't know, listen, I don't know what's going on here but let's…

Danny: Do-do you, do you have brothers?

Rachel: No, I have two sisters. But one of them has a very masculine energy.

Danny: Are you close with them?

Rachel: No-no, they're not very nice people.

Danny: Okay, listen, I really like you. Okay? I think this can go somewhere. So what if I'm close to my family, are you gonna let that stand in the way of us?

Rachel: Well, uh, I-I don't know. See when-when you put it that way y'know it does sort of…

Krista: (calling from the bathroom) Danny! Hurry up! The bath is getting cold!

Danny: (seeing Rachel's shocked look) What?

Rachel: Yeah, okay, I'll see you later. (Gets up and runs from the apartment.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is there as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Oh hey! There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day?

Ross: Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys! I was at the library all morning and I already finished my five pages for today!

Ross: Yay!

Chandler: Great! Now, we can go to the Ranger game! (Pause) Last night!

Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets!

Ross: I guess when you don't have so many distractions, it's easier for you to focus. Huh?

Chandler: Yeah or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!!

Joey: Yeah, well, that's fine, but the important thing is that I finished it. And uh, I think it's really good, but y'know it'd really help me is if I could hear it. So would you guys read it for me?

Chandler: All right. (Takes a copy.)

Ross: All right. (Takes another copy.)

Joey: Okay. (Reading.) "It's a typical New York City apartment. Two guys are hanging out." Ross (Points to him.)

(Ross and Chandler start to read Joey's script aloud.)

Ross: Hey man.

Chandler: What is up?

Ross: About yesterday, I was really wrong. I am sorry.

Chandler: No, it was me. I'm sorry. I over reacted.

Ross: Maybe it was both of us, but we had our best friend's interest… (Pauses and looks at Joey.) But we had our best friend's interest at heart.

Chandler: Could I be more sorry. (Looks at Joey.)

Ross: I don't know, I'm one sorry polentologist. (Stops reading.) All right Joey, we get it. (To Chandler) I'm sorry.

Chandler: (To Ross) I'm sorry too.

Joey: Oh no! No-no, keep reading! The good part's coming up. Keep going.

Ross: (reading from the script.) I am sorry, Chandler.

Chandler: I am sorry, Ross.

Joey: A handsome man enters. (Playing the part of the handsome man.) Hey! How's it going guys? I don't know what you two were talking about, but I'd like to say thanks to both of you. You, (Ross) you wouldn't let me give up on myself, and you (Chandler) well you co-created Fireball. The end.

Chandler: This took you all day?!

Joey: No-no, this only took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new, Ultimate Fireball. (Takes out a bowling ball and a propane torch.) Ha-ha!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are about to read another one of Joey's efforts.]

Joey: (Reading the scene set up.) Okay, it's a typical New York City apartment. Two girls are just hanging out.

(Monica and Rachel begin to read from the script.)

Monica: Hi, how are you doing Kelly?

Rachel: I'm doing just fine! God, Tiffany, you smell so great!

Monica: It's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it?

(They both start to read ahead.)

Rachel: Oh, y'know Joey, you are sick!

Monica: This is disgusting!

(They both throw the scripts in his face.)

Rachel: I'm not reading this!

Joey: What?! Wait-wait-wait! The handsome man was about to enter!!

End

The One With All The Resolutions

Teleplay by: Suzie Villandry

Story by: Brian Boyle

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square.]

Jay Leno: (On TV to Dick Clark) Is there any entertainment there? What are people doing?

Joey: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey!

Chandler: (deadpan, standing next to Monica) We're very happy for you.

Joey: What's the matter?!

Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know…

Joey: All right, I'll take care of it.

Monica: Oh no, wait! Joey!

(They try to stop him, not sure of what he's planning. He ignores them and goes to talk to Ross.)

Ross: (hopping) 73! 72! 71!

Joey: Ross! Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?

Ross: What?

Joey: Well you gotta kiss someone, you can't kiss your sister.

Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister.

Joey: Chandler.

Ross: Awww, man! Really?

Joey: Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?

Ross: That's a good point.

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Oh well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.

Joey: Okay, great!

Ross: All right.

Joey: Pheebs! Pheebs! Ross wants to kiss you at midnight!

Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask?

Joey: Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the history.

Rachel: So?

Joey: So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler?

Rachel: Oh, good point.

Joey: Yeah!

All: (watching the ball drop) 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

(And with that everyone starts playing tonsil hockey. Chandler with Monica, Ross with Phoebe, and Joey with Rachel.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Happy New Year!

Monica: Happy New Year.

Ross: (To Phoebe) Happy New Year, Pheebs!

Phoebe: You too!

Rachel: (To Joey) Happy New Year, Joey!

Joey: So did that do anything for ya?

(Rachel slowly walks away.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the party. Everyone has left, except for the gang.]

Ross: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99!

Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.

Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.

Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room, or?

Ross: Everyday I am gonna do one thing that I haven't done before. That my friends is my New Year's resolution.

Phoebe: Ooh! That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.

Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane.

Monica: She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us.

Ross: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh, y'know what, better yet? A week.

Chandler: I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the "new thing you do that day!" (Ross looks at him.) And it starts right now!

Joey: All right, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to play the guitar.

Ross: Ohh.

Phoebe: Really?! How come?

Joey: Well, y'know those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love it would be great if one of those was true.

Phoebe: Do you want me to teach you? I'm a great teacher.

Joey: Really? Who-who have you taught?

Phoebe: Well, I taught me and I love me.

Joey: Yeah that'd be great! Thanks Pheebs!

Rachel: Op, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And she's gonna be really needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend, who, I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about.

Monica: Hey Rach, maybe your resolution should be to umm, gossip less.

Rachel: I don't gossip!

(They all laugh.)

Rachel: Well, maybe sometimes I find out things or I hear something and I pass that information on y'know kinda like a public service, it doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip?

Monica: Well if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, I would.

Rachel: What? They were like this!

(She puts her hands over her breasts and indicates that the coworkers boob job resulted in one pointing up and one pointing down with her hands by pointing up with one hand and down with the other.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to a beautiful woman as Chandler and Joey enter.]

Woman: I'll see you tomorrow.

Ross: Okay! (She leaves.) (To Chandler and Joey.) Hey!

Chandler and Joey: Hey!

Ross: I just asked that girl out.

Chandler: Nice!

Joey: Nice!! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today?

Ross: Yes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of paper she gave him with her name and phone number on it.)

Chandler: (reading it) Elizabeth Hornswoggle?

Ross: That's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle.

Chandler: Horn-swoggle.

Joey: You all right Chandler? Is there something funny about that name?

Chandler: No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. (Sits down rubbing his temple.)

Joey: Oh really! Where? Somewhere funny I'd bet! (Chandler is straining to keep quiet as Phoebe enters.)

Ross: Hi, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Oh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with Elizabeth (Talking into Chandler's ear.) Hornswoggle.

Phoebe: Hornswoggle? (To Chandler) Ooh, this must be killing you.

Ross: All right, see you later.

Joey: See ya! All right Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson.

Phoebe: Okay. (Joey tries to take the guitar.) Oh no-no-no, you don't touch the guitar! First you learn here, (Points to her head.) then you learn here. (Points to the guitar.)

Joey: Umm, okay.

Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll have to use your imagination, 'cause it would take me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want to see them, you'll have to wait for this episode to come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.)

Chandler: What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with Rachel.]

Phoebe: Hey everybody, Rachel was so good today. She didn't gossip at all.

Rachel: I didn’t! Even when I found out…umm, all right, well let's just say I found something out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it. (Goes into her room.)

Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. (Holds up his hand in one of Phoebe's chords.)

Phoebe: Ooh, you nailed the Old Lady! (They both laugh at what she said.)

Joey: Yeah listen so, I thought I was getting better, so on my way home today I stopped by this guitar store and…

Phoebe: Did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? Did you?!

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Give me your hands. (He does and she smells his left hand.) Strings. Gimme it! (He gives her his right hand and she smells it as well.) Pick. Do you want to learn to play guitar?

Joey: Yes!

Phoebe: Then don't touch one!!

Ross: (entering, with Ben) Hi!

Ben: Hi!

Monica: Hi Ben!

Ben: Auntie Monica!! (He runs to hug her.)

Chandler: (notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the pants!

Rachel: I think they're very nice.

Monica: I like 'em.

Joey: Yeah! (Chandler bangs the table in frustration.)

Monica: I like them a lot.

Chandler: That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to Ross's buttock.) Maybe there's something in that area.

(They all speak at once in general approval of his pants selection; Joey asks where he got them. I can't pick out the rest of it.)

Ross: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store that always smells so good and I thought to myself, "Wow, (To Chandler) I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before."

(No one says anything.)

Chandler: Oh come on!! (Storms out.)

Ross: (after he's left) Okay, seriously, what do you think?

Joey: You look like a freak.

Rachel: Awful, absolutely awful. (Plus other negative comments from Phoebe and Monica.)

(Monica starts taking pictures of Ross and Ben, with the flash.)

Ross: What are you, what are you doing?

Monica: It's my New Year's resolution!

Ross: What, to blind my child?

Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures.

Joey: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well. (Does a chord and Monica starts taking pictures of him and Phoebe. They both start to strike a pose with the excessive amount of pictures that Monica takes.)

[Scene: Elizabeth Hornswoggle's apartment; Ross is there on his date with her. They are sitting on the couch watching a movie. Ross is obviously hot.]

Ross: (talking to himself) My God! These pants are burning up! (He's still wearing the leather pants.) (She snuggles closer.) Oh come on, she wants to snuggle now! What is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here! (Out loud.) Are you hot?

Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No.

Ross: Okay, it must just be me then.

(He shifts on the couch and a ripping sound emanates from his lower regions, the sound reminds one of a brief explosion of gas. In other words, it sounds like he farted. She has a look of horrific wonderment, wondering "Did he just fart?")

Ross: That was just the pants on the couch. Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Elizabeth: No, go ahead.

Ross: Thanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the sound returns. Without another word he heads into her bathroom.)

[Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one. He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his legs, cooling them further.]

Ross: (in ecstasy) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh……….

Elizabeth: (yelling from outside) Hey, my favorite part is coming up!

Ross: 'Kay!

(He goes to pull up his pants, but can't seem to get them past his knees. He frantically tries to pull them up to no avail. Panic sets in.)

Ross: Oh my God!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is drilling Joey on the chords as Monica looks on.]

Phoebe: Tiger! (Joey moves his hand in an attempt to do the chord, in fact he does it with each name.) Dragon! Iceberg!! (He fails.) Joseph, did you even study at all last night?

Joey: Yes! Yes, I did.

Phoebe: Then do Iceberg!

Joey: (thinks) (quietly) G-sharp.

Phoebe: G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? (Joey doesn't answer.) Have you? (He looks away in shame.) Oh my God!

Joey: What?! I didn't touch a guitar!

Phoebe: No, but you're questioning my method!

Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid! (Notices Monica standing between them and smiling.) What?! (The camera clicks, taking another picture.)

Monica: Thank you. (Leaves.)

Phoebe: Y'know none of my other student thought I was stupid.

Joey: Your other student, was you!

Phoebe: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need to try a little harder!

Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms out.)

Phoebe: Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!!

Rachel: (entering, singing) "Baddest man in the whole damn town."

Phoebe: Oh, fine! Take his side! (Storms out.)

(Rachel looks shocked, gets over it, notices she's alone, and picks up the phone. The last part of which is something she shouldn't have done, because the phone is already in use. By Monica, and now Rachel can hear every word.)

Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.

Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)

Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big…

Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, The phone rings and Joey answers it.]

Joey: (answering phone) Hello?

Ross: (calling from Elizabeth's bathroom) Joey, it's Ross! I need some help!

Joey: Uhh, Chandler's not here.

Ross: Well, you can help me!

Joey: Okay.

Ross: Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom…

Joey: Nice!

Ross: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I can't put them back on. I can't!

Joey: Oh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any like, powder?

Ross: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder! (Grabs some of her shelf.)

Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up.

Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.) They're not coming on man.

Joey: Umm, do you see any—oh, Vaseline?

Ross: Ohh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that work?

Joey: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there.

Ross: Hold on.

(Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.)

Joey: Ross? You okay?

Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste!

Joey: Really?! Uhh, what color is it?

Ross: What difference does that make?!

Joey: Well, I'm just—if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference!

Rachel: (entering) Joey, do you have a minute?

Ross: Dude, what am I gonna…

Joey: (To Ross) Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out. (He hangs up the phone and strands Ross in the bathroom.)

Rachel: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem!

Joey: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Joey, I have got to tell you something!

Joey: What-what is it, what is it?

Rachel: Oh my God, it's so huge, but you just have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone.

Joey: Oh no, no-no-no-no! I don't want to know!

Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, you do want to know! This is unbelievable!

Joey: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't tell anyone!

Rachel: What? What secrets? You know secrets? What are they?

Joey: And you're not supposed to be gossiping!!

Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone… (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current state.)

Joey: I'm not listening to you!

(Chandler seeing that Joey has his eyes closed sneaks over and picks up the chicken. The chicken starts flapping it's wings in protest as Chandler holds the chicken inches from Joey's face. Joey stops yelling and upon opening his eyes sees the chicken, screams, and falls to the ground in horror.)

[Scene: Elizabeth's apartment; Elizabeth is inquiring as to the delay in Ross's exit from her bathroom.]

Elizabeth: Ross, umm, you've been in there for a long time. I'm starting to get kinda freaked out.

Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off.

Elizabeth: No, let's just leave the lights on.

(Ross opens the door and steps into the living room. He has fully removed his pants and holds them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch. His legs are covered in the powder and lotion paste. He looks terrible.)

Elizabeth: Oh my God!

Ross: I had a problem.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there to apologize to Phoebe.]

Joey: Hey, Pheebs?

Phoebe: No, I can't talk to you! I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages!

Joey: Look, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for, for saying that your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. And-and I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready. (After a short pause she hands him her guitar.) You really think I'm ready?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Joey: Wow! Cool! (He takes the guitar, stands up, and goes to play a note. However, while strumming it, he knocks it out of his hands and it bounces off the table and lands on the floor. Phoebe just stares at the guitar.)

Joey: (sitting back down) Was the chord at least right…

Phoebe: No!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his horrible trek back home without pants on. The whole gang is there.]

Chandler: Oh my God!

Monica: We heard about your pants, I'm so sorry.

Ross: This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit!

All: No. No, you're not a loser.

Ross: Look at me! (Chandler squeaks in an attempt not to make fun of him.)

Monica: Hey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a picture of you! (Shows him Ben's picture.) Huh? You're-you're a cowboy!

Ross: Oh, be-because of the leather pants.

Monica: See? Ben doesn't think you're a loser, he thinks you're a cowboy! Now that's something.

(All at once.)

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: That really is something; that's really cool.

Joey: Howdy partner!

Ross: Maybe I should get another pair! Ooh, y'know, they-they had some with fringe all down the sides. (Chandler starts rubbing his temple again.) I'm gonna go kiss Ben goodnight. (He starts to head for Monica's bedroom.) I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy. (Pause.) I would make a good cowboy. (He struts into Monica's room.)

Monica: Okay, now that everything's wrapped up here, I think I'm, I'm gonna go do my laundry.

Chandler: Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt is dirty. (Smells it.) Yep.

(They both exit.)

Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.

Rachel: Good luck, honey!

Phoebe: Bye! (She exits, leaving Rachel and Joey alone.)

Rachel: Hey, uh, Joey?

Joey: Umm?

Rachel: Remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about?

Joey: Oh, no! (Starts that screaming thing again. Rachel stops him by pulling his fingers out of his ears.)

Rachel: I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be okay and then we could talk about it. Right?

Joey: Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah, that would be okay. Yeah. Yeah!

Rachel: (quietly) Yeah. Well. (Pause.) Hey uh Joe, would mind going over to Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me?

Joey: Now? You want me to go over there now?

Rachel: Yeah!

Joey: Do you know something?

Rachel: Do you know something?

Joey: I might know something.

Rachel: I might know something too.

Joey: What's the thing you know?

Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.

Joey: I can't tell you what I know.

Rachel: Well then I can't tell you what I know.

Joey: Okay, fine.

(Silence ensues.)

Joey: You don't know!

Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! (Note: Kudos to Ms. Aniston on the delivery of that line. She said it very quickly and didn't screw up a word. Try it yourself, it ain't that easy.)

Joey: (gasps) YOU KNOW!!!!

Rachel: AND YOU KNOW!!!

Joey: Yeah, I know!!!!

Rachel: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!! How long have you known?

Joey: Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! Listen, listen, we can't say anything about this to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen… (Phoebe returns and interrupts them.)

Joey and Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! It's raining. I don't want to fly in the rain. So…

(Pause.)

Joey: Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain.

Rachel: Ohhh, yeah, me too.

(They both exit.)

Phoebe: That's weird. (Pause.) I bet they're doing it.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]

Chandler: (entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.)

End

The One With Chandler's Work Laugh

Written by: Alicia Sky Varinaitis

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to pry more information about Chandler and Monica from Joey who's sitting on the couch and busy downing a pizza.]

Rachel: Come on Joey!!!

Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it.

Rachel: I can't believe you would say that!

Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love.

Rachel: No! I mean come on! This is a huge deal! (She sits next to him on the couch.) Fine I want—I need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss?

Joey: (thinks) I don't know.

Rachel: Is he romantic with her?

Joey: I don't know.

Rachel: Are they in love?

Joey: (thinks) I don't know.

Rachel: You don't know anything.

Joey: Ohh, I know one thing!

Rachel: What?

Joey: They did it right there on the couch.

(He points to where she's sitting and she jumps up quickly.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Ross enters.]

Joey: Hey Ross!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: (disinterested) Hey-yeah. (He hurries up to the counter.) Hey Gunther, can I have a scone please? (To the gang.) Wanna hear some good news? Someone I know is getting married! Yeah! And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by-the-by it's my ex-wife Emily!

All: What? Oh!

Chandler: Sorry man.

Gunther: Here's your scone.

Ross: Oh, thanks Gunther. (He takes it, hands the plate it's on to Rachel, sets it down on the table, and proceeds to pound it into oblivion while saying.) STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!!

Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?

Phoebe: Hey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase?

Rachel: Pheebs, I don’t think anyone's mad about that.

Phoebe: Exactly! Because it's in the past!

Joey: (eyeing the flattened scone) Anybody gonna eat that?

[Scene: Chandler's office, Monica and him are at a party his office is throwing.]

Monica: Look at us all dressed up for the big office party! By the way, what are we celebrating?

Chandler: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party.

Monica: I think this is so cool because none of our friends are here and we can be a real couple. We don't have to hide.

Chandler: I know, I can do this. (He takes her hand.)

Monica: Ooh, and I can do this. (She kisses him on the cheek.)

(They both stand real close together.)

Both: We can't do that. (They separate.)

(Chandler's boss (Doug) walks up.)

Doug: Hey Bing! (Slaps him on his ass.) (Sees Monica) Wo-ho-ho, who's the pretty lady and what the hell is she doing with you?

Chandler: I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, (Points to Monica) this is Monica. (Points to his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica.

Monica: Hi, nice to meet you!

Doug: Hi! And this is my wife Kara.

Kara: Nice to meet you Monica. Bing! (Slaps Chandler on his butt.)

Doug: Say uh, Bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us?

Chandler: No, sir.

Doug: Yeah, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe.

(Chandler does a fake laugh.)

Doug: Come on honey, let's go drink our body weight. (They walk off leaving Chandler and Monica alone.)

Monica: What was that?

Chandler: What?

Monica: That noise you just made?

Chandler: Oh, that was my work laugh.

Monica: Really? Your work laugh?

Chandler: Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too.

Monica: All right, check me out.

Chandler: Okay.

(She walks up to where Doug is finishing another joke to another group.)

Doug: …says $30 Father; same as in town.

(Monica does a fake laugh. For the laughs, you'll have to see the episode. I can't describe them.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is buying a muffin as Chandler runs in.]

Chandler: Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night!

Monica: Really?

Chandler: And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet.

Monica: Hey, I thought you already had one.

Chandler: Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at…bigger rocks. (He starts to leave and stops an entering Rachel.) Hey Rach, do you have a tennis racquet?

Rachel: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back.

Chandler: Okay, good luck with that. (Exits.)

Rachel: (To Monica) Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: What's up?!

Monica: What are you doing here? I thought you had to do inventory all day.

Rachel: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica. Y'know I-I feel that we don't talk anymore. How are you? What is new with you?

Monica: Uhh, not much. Uh, work's good.

Rachel: Oh y'know what, we don’t have to talk about work. We can talk about anything!

Monica: Okay. Umm…

Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? Let's talk about relationships!

Monica: Okay, what's going on with you?

Rachel: Nothing! You go!

Monica: Well, I-I—there was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute umm, but I don't anymore.

Rachel: Wow that's uh, juicy. Umm, (checks watch) y'know what though Mon, I actually do have a lot of work to do so if-if—are you sure there's just not anything else?

Monica: Yes, I'm sure! Rachel is there something that you want to talk me about?

Rachel: No! (Gets up to leave.) (Under her breath.) If there was I wouldn't tell you.

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe is settling a dispute between the chick and the duck.]

(The duck quacks.)

Phoebe: Okay, then what happened?

(The duck flaps its wings frantically.)

Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (The chick clucks.) You'll get your turn!

Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs, what's going on?

Phoebe: Nothing! (Picks up and sets the chick down on the floor.) (To the chick.) This is not over!

Ross: No! No! No!

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily! It was perfect and now it's all covered in-in… (The duck quacks.) Actually, thanks!

Joey: (entering from his room) All right! Everybody ready to go to the movies?

Ross: Uh actually, I think I'm gonna skip it.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I just wanna be alone right now.

Joey: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff.

Ross: That's okay, Joe.

Joey: All right, let's go Pheebs.

Ross: (licks the envelope and encounters a foreign substance on the glue.) Oh God!

[Scene: A tennis court somewhere in the city of New York, it's the doubles match-up of a century Chandler and Monica versus Doug and Kara.]

Doug: Bing!

(Hits the ball towards Chandler who returns it back to him. He then hits the ball at Monica who slams it and it bounces off Kara's leg.)

Kara: Oww!!

Monica: Game!

Doug: Well, I gotta tell ya Bing; that partner of yours is a real tiger. (To his wife.) Are you all right sweethart?

Kara: (out of breath and mouths) I'm not all right.

Doug: We're, we're just gonna get a little sip of water.

(They both walk off the court.)

Monica: Am I on fire today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved!

Chandler: Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game.

Monica: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said.

Chandler: Let them win one.

Monica: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's popping pills.

Chandler: You're not even giving them a chance!

Monica: They have racquets don't they?!

Doug: Uh Bing, I think we're gonna make this the last game.

Chandler: Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro? (Does his work laugh.) (To Monica) Please let them win!

Monica: I'll take it down to 95% but that's the best I can do.

(She serves to Doug who returns it to Chandler. As it bounces over his head Chandler swings and misses.)

Chandler: Oopsey, missed it!

Monica: I got it! (She hits a forehand smash that bounces right in between Doug and Kara and scores a point.)

Doug: Nice shot.

(Chandler glares at her and she shrugs her shoulders. Monica serves again; and Kara returns it.)

Monica: I got it!!

(Chandler cuts in front of her and hits the ball high and long.)

Chandler: Long! (Gives Monica the Work Laugh.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Chandler are returning from the game.]

Monica: I can't believe you let them win!

Chandler: Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. (Removes a smashed racquet from his bag.)

Monica: I was frustrated.

Chandler: It was my racquet.

Monica: I was frustrated with you!

Chandler: If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invented us to dinner tomorrow night.

Monica: Y'know what really bothers me? Is—it's how-how different you act around them! I mean y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the "I'll see you around, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!" (Mocks the fake laugh.) I gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up.

Chandler: Okay y'know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight.

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, the next morning the girls are there with Joey.]

Monica: I'm telling you, something's wrong! My brother does not stay out all night.

Joey: Maybe we should check the trash chute.

Rachel: Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute.

Joey: That's right, he almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there.

(Ross enters.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: There he is!

Monica: Oh my God! (She goes to hug him, stops short, and hits him on the shoulder.) Where the hell have you been?!!

Ross: Just, y'know out.

Rachel: Ohh, out, oh God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there!

Phoebe: What were you doing?

Ross: I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just walked around for a while.

Rachel: You walked around all night in the city by yourself?

Joey: (snaps his fingers) He hooked up! He hooked up with someone.

Ross: Look, I don't have to answer your questions! Okay? I'm a big boy, I can do whatever I want!

Joey: He hooked up!! Tell us about her!

[Suddenly the door opens and Ross's mystery girl enters. I'll give you a hint to who it is: OH….MY….GAWD!! Uh-huh, it's Janice.]

Janice: (entering) Ross you left you scarf in…(sees everyone.) Hey you guys. (Does the laugh.)

(They all turn and with shocked looks on their faces stare at Ross. Ross is at a loss for words at this moment.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, continued from earlier.]

Janice: Uh-oh-okay. Uh-oh-okay. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait forever!

Rachel: Yeah! No that's what I was thinking.

Janice: So I'm asking you please, take a moment before you judge me.

Phoebe: Oh, nobody's judging you. (They all turn and look at Ross.)

Janice: Oh! Okay! (To Ross) You, Mister Right Place at the Right Time, call me! (Does her famous, or is that infamous, laugh and exits.)

(They all turn and glare at Ross.)

Ross: Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are going to say…

Phoebe: You two will have very hairy children.

Ross: Okay, I didn't know you would say that.

Rachel: Ross! Janice?!

Joey: All right, hold on! Hold on. Hold on. This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind.

Ross: Look, I didn't lose my mind! Okay, Janice and I have a lot in common! We've-we've both been divorced. We-we both have kids.

Phoebe: So are you actually gonna see her again?

Joey: Phoebe! Don't put ideas in his head!

Ross: I am gonna see her again.

Joey: Damnit Phoebe!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going through her purse as Rachel rushes in.]

Rachel: (entering) Okay, I have to tell you something that I have never admitted during our entire friendship! But, when we were in high school I made out with James Farrell even when I knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest! Okay, you go!

Monica: My turn? What-what are you talking about?

Rachel: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler.

Monica: What?!

Rachel: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big."

Monica: Well. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me know how that one turns out.

Rachel: Well, I wouldn't know because I got so freaked out that I hung up the phone.

Monica: Well, if you had kept listening, you-you would have heard me call him Mr. Big…(Thinks)…ot.

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist jokes.

Rachel: All right. So you're telling me that there is nothing going on between you and Chandler.

Monica: Me and Chandler?! (Does her fake laugh.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe and Joey are there.]

Joey: All right, put your 20 bucks down. First one to find the tasty treat wins. Okay?

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)

Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!

Joey: Judge rules, no violation.

Phoebe: Ohhh.

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Yeah!

(Neither of them turns around from watching the chick and the duck look for the tasty treat.)

Ross: Y'know what? It sounds so weird to say this but, I just had a great day with Janice!

(They both turn around.)

Joey: What?!

Phoebe: Are you serious?!

Ross: Yeah! I opened up to her about all the terrible stuff that's been happening to me. I mean I talked for hours. (Joey has lost interest and is watching the race again.) It is amazing to have someone give you such-such focused attention.

Phoebe: You don't need Janice for that, you've got us. We…

Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!

Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton!

Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.

Phoebe: Ohh, tough call.

Joey: Yeah.

[Scene: Doug's house, Chandler, Monica, and them are just finishing dinner.]

Doug: But seriously, I believe that we should all support President Clinton. And her husband Bill. (Chandler does the laugh.)

Kara: So how do you kids like your coffee?

Monica: Oh, none for me. Thanks.

Chandler: Just a little bit of sugar.

Doug: Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta sweeten it up, huh? (Once again, with the laugh.)

(Doug and Kara go get the coffee.)

Monica: (To Chandler) How does that laugh not give you a headache?

Chandler: Oh, you get used to it.

Monica: Y'know, I-I-I don't think that I can. So if you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things.

Chandler: So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal?

Monica: I'd rather hang out with a sniveling work weasel guy when I can be hanging out with my boyfriend who I actually respect.

Chandler: Oh. (Does a double take when he realizes what she just said.)

Doug: (entering) Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee. Y'know, I feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself. (Chandler does not laugh.) Did you hear what I said Bing?

Chandler: What?

Doug: The joke Bing. What's the matter with you?

Chandler: Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir.

Doug: Excuse me?

Chandler: Well, I just…

Monica: (interrupting) Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Yeah! I mean it was really funny, I-I just don't think you got it. You see Kara's coffee is-is-is weak tasting, okay? But-but what Doug was-was imply that it was weak physically. You get it now honey?

Chandler: I think I do! (They all laugh.) Thank you, Monica.

Monica: I thought you could use the help.

Chandler: Coffee in a fight! (Does the laugh again.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is going through the mail as Joey enters.]

Joey: (entering) Hey Rach! Hey, you mind if I read my comic books in here?

Rachel: Sure! Why?

Joey: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and it's kinda hard to concentrate.

Rachel: What?! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! She keeps lying to me! That's it! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go over there and confront them right now!

[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's bedroom where she overhears Chandler and Monica talking.]

Chandler: (from his bedroom) All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell racist jokes now?!

Monica: Sorry! I'm just—I'm not very good at this! I'm a terrible liar and I hate having to lie to Rachel!

Chandler: But we're not ready to tell yet!

Monica: I know! It's just that…ever since high school Rachel was the one person I told everything too. Y'know? I miss that so much now. She's my best friend.

(Rachel decides not to confront them and starts to walk out, knocking over a lamp in the process.)

Monica: (entering) Joey?! Oh my God, Rachel!

Rachel: Hey! Hi!

Monica: Wh-wh-what are you doing here? (She tries to pull her shirt down to cover the fact that she's wearing men's boxers.]

Rachel: Well, I was actually—I-I came over here to-to borrow this lamp. To umm, look at my books, y'know, see them a little better.

Monica: Okay great!

Rachel: Yeah!

Monica: Great! Umm, well what-what I was doing in Chandler's room is that umm, I was cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it!

Rachel: Oh! What a great way to earn some extra pocket money.

Monica: Y'know when I said to you earlier that I was at work umm, I'm at my new work.

Rachel: That's good enough. Right? (Pause.) Okay, well umm, I'm gonna go look at my books!

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: I'll get back to my new job.

(Pause.)

Rachel: 'Kay. (Pause.) Congratulations on your new job. (She goes and hugs Monica and is almost in tears.)

(After she exits, Chandler enters.)

Chandler: Man, she is really gullible.

(Monica motions that it went right over Rachel's head.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Janice are sitting on the couch.]

Gunther: Here you go. (Serves them both some coffee.)

Ross: Thanks!

Janice: Actually, I should get going.

Ross: Are you sure? Because I can stay out as late as you want. I told you how I'm on sabbatical from work, right?

Janice: Yes! Yes! You did!

Ross: Oh…

Janice: What is wrong now?!

Ross: This isn't what I ordered! Man! Can anything go right in my life?! First my marriage falls apart and then…

Janice: I know! I know! And then you lose your apartment! And then you lose your job! And then your ex-wife gets married so fast! And now the coffee—ahh!! Ross, we need to talk.

Ross: Okay. Sometimes I feel…

Janice: No-no-no, no. I'm going to talk. I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun.

Ross: Huh?

Janice: (starting to cry) You're a very sweet person Ross, umm, unfortunately I don't think I can take another second of you whining!!

Ross: Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? (Janice makes an agreeing sound.) So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice.

Janice: Well yeah!!

Ross: OH…MY…GOD!!

Janice: Are you gonna be okay?

Ross: I am now.

Janice: Okay.

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Umm, hi.

Janice: Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey. (Laughs and exits.)

(Joey looks at Ross with a horrified look on his face.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is reading a magazine as Ross hands him a beer.]

Ross: Dude, we got to talk.

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: I just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else and I hope this isn't too weird, but uh, I had uh, a thing with Janice. (He laughs, his real laugh this time.) What you're-you're not mad?

Chandler: Why would I be mad?

Ross: Well, because y'know there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to.

Chandler: (realizes what Ross just said and the implications to him) I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you.

Ross: Okay.

Chandler: I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent free!

Ross: All right.

Chandler: And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty (counts his money) seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it down—let's write it down!

End

The One With Joey's Bag

Teleplay by: Seth Kirkland

Story by: Michael Curtis

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, he is giving Monica a massage.]

Monica: I can't believe we've never done this before! It's sooo good! So good for Monica!

(Chandler picks up the timer being used and turns it to zero at which it chimes.)

Chandler: Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn!

Monica: That was a half an hour?

Chandler: It's your timer.

(They change places.)

Monica: Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages!

Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice!

(She starts the massage, only she is doing extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in pain.)

Chandler: Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!!

Monica: It's so good, isn't it?

Chandler: It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it!

Monica: Say good-bye to sore muscles!

Chandler: Good-bye muscles!!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.]

Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just—I didn't know what it was!

Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.

Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth.

Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey.

Joey: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat! (He picks a hat up from the floor. It's one of those magician stovepipe hats.)

Ross: Sorry.

Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)

Ross: (glaring at Joey) This would be the place where you explain the hat.

Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.

Chandler: And you're gonna make them all disappear.

Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.

(Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his head.)

Chandler: Done.

Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store? I'll help you out.

Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach!

Rachel: Sure! (Pause) God, please take those off!

Joey: All right.

(Both of them remove their hats as Phoebe enters.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I just got back from, from the hospital.

(All at once.)

Rachel: What?

Ross: Is everything okay?

Joey: Are you all right?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died.

Joey: Pheebs! Sorry!

Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit.

Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now?

Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse!

Monica: (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside.

Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died.

Monica: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like y'know, one life ends and another begins.

Monica: (to the guys) Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did she die?

Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again.

Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; "Okay dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter." And y'know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.

[Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is fixing Joey up with some new clothes.]

Rachel: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear?

Joey: All right, then you'd better show me some of that too then.

Rachel: Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay. (Goes and grabs a bag, that looks like a purse, and shows it to Joey.)

Joey: Really? A purse?

Rachel: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag.

Joey: It looks like a women's purse.

Rachel: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. Look. (Shows him.) See look, men, carrying the bag.

Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. (He puts it on his shoulder and looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man.

Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!

Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.

Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.

[Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is about to break the bad news to her sister. She knocks on the door.]

Ursula: Who is it?

Phoebe: It's Phoebe.

Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?

Phoebe: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in?

Ursula: Umm, yeah—no thanks.

Phoebe: Umm, well, umm Grandma died.

Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?

Phoebe: No, she just died today! Okay, umm, we're having a memorial service tomorrow.

Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.

Phoebe: No you didn't!

Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?

Phoebe: Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not?

Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So… I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.

Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. (Starts to leave.)

Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on the couch as Joey enters with his new bag.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

(As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice the bag and stare at each other in shock.)

Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani!

Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!

Ross: Your make-up!

Rachel: (entering) Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not until tomorrow.

Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. (Removes a sandwich and starts eating.)

Rachel: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.

Joey: Why would I return it? I love this bag!

Rachel: All right, then you owe me $350.

Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? (He's holding the fake credit cards that come with the bag.)

Rachel: (glaring at him) Joey…

Joey: All right relax, look I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get thanks to you.

Ross: What's the part, Anti-man?

Rachel: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.

Joey: U-N-I-sexy? (Smiles provocatively.)

[Scene: Phoebe's Grandmother's memorial, Phoebe is at the door welcoming people.]

Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look, here's your umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on.

(The gang arrives.)

Rachel: Hi sweetie!

Ross: Hey, how are you holding up?

Joey: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: (notices his bag.) Hey, y'know what? My Grandma had the exact same bag!

Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. (He pulls them out of the bag.)

Phoebe: Thanks!

Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.

(Another man, an older man, enters, looking around and bumps into Chandler.)

Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial?

(The gang moves off as Phoebe greets the new guest.)

Phoebe: Yeah, welcome.

Man: Hello. Hello.

Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses.

Man: Oh, umm, all right.

Phoebe: So how did you know Francis?

Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter.

Phoebe: Really?! What's your name?

Man: Umm, Frank Buffay.

(Needless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence. And one audience member gasps.)

Frank Sr.: (Seeing the look on her face) Y'know what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill.

Phoebe: You're Frank Buffay?

Frank Sr.: Shh! (Whispers) No! Joe Hill!

Phoebe: You just said…

Frank Sr.: Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming. (Hands back his glasses and hurries out.)

Phoebe: But…

(Phoebe takes one step after him and stops.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: What?! What honey?

Ross: What happened?

Phoebe: That was my dad!

Chandler: Oh my God!

(They all look down the hall he left from.)

Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) It's like it's coming right at me. (Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand to slap him in his face.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Funeral Home, continued from earlier. Phoebe is returning after looking for her father.]

Monica: Oh, did you catch him?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Ross: Wh-what did he say?!

Phoebe: He said, "Nice to meet you Glenda." (They stare at her, dumbfounded) Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name?

Rachel: Why?! Why not?!

Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!

Joey: What did you say to him?

Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I was the executor person of Francis' will and that I needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house later.

The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats?

Phoebe: All right, well, I just can't think about that right now. I just wanna say good-bye to my Grandma.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: All right, let's go say good-bye.

(They put on their glasses and try to find their way to their seats.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the funeral, everyone is there.]

Joey: (entering, with bag) Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look?

Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that part.

Chandler: And a date with a man!

Joey: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag! Okay? And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, (pats the bag) comes with a bag! (Exits.)

Phoebe: All right, I'd better go too. I have to go talk to my dad.

Rachel: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are?

Phoebe: Umm, no, not at first 'cause I-I don't want to freak him out

Ross: Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger! (Getting worked up) I mean I-I-I'd walk in there and I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You and me outside right now!" (Calming down.) I kinda scared myself.

Monica: Well, at least you scared someone.

Phoebe: Y'know it's funny, you'd think I'd be angry. I mean, you'd think I'd wanna rip his tiny little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it.

Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you.

Phoebe: All right.

(She goes over and tries to give Phoebe a massage. Phoebe yelps in pain and jumps away from her.)

Phoebe: Oh! Get off!! Ow!! Oh, stop it!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?!

Monica: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone!

Monica: (indignant) I give good massages! (Ross laughs.) I used to give them to Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler loves them! Watch! (She starts giving Chandler a massage.)

Phoebe: (seeing the look on Chandler's face) He-he does not like it! He hates it! He's in pain!

Monica: No he's not!

Chandler: (wincing) Yes, he is!

Monica: What?!

Chandler: I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww!

Monica: You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that.

Ross: Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other… (Pauses after she realizes what she's saying.) And by 'we' I mean society.

[Scene: Joey's audition, he is with bag.]

The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.

Joey: (reading from the script) Well, you must be new here. Why don't we get a table and I'll buy you a drink.

The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?

Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new here. Maybe we should—I'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a question.)

The Casting Director: Sure. What?

Joey: Well, first it's not a purse.

The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.

Joey: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's bag!

The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!

Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! (Does so.) See? Huh? It's the latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them!

The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags?

Joey: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves.

The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!

Joey: Yeah but I didn’t read anything.

The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!

Joey: Okay! All right, I'll see ya. (As he's walking off stage.) (Patting the bag.) We got it! We got it!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is poking his head in.]

Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here?

Monica: No.

Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.

Monica: Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you could tell me—just say, "I don't like your massages."

Chandler: (falling into that trap) I don't like your massages.

Monica: (starting to cry) See? It's no big deal.

Chandler: Okay, but now see you're crying!

Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at work.

Chandler: What?

Monica: (bursting into tears) My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages.

Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything.

Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all!

Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world.

Monica: I'm crying here!!

Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you.

Monica: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that?

Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes!

Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica?

Chandler: Absolutely!

Monica: Okay. I suck!

Chandler: Yeah! (They hug.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Frank Sr. is just arriving.]

Phoebe: Umm, thank you for meeting with me.

Frank Sr.: Thank you. All right.

Phoebe: Come, sit. (He's hesitant.) Sit. (Still hesitating.) Sit! (He sits on the arm of the couch.) Umm, all righty, before we get started I just—I need you to state for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay.

Frank Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm.

Phoebe: Okay.

Frank Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me?

Phoebe: Huh?

Frank Sr.: Well, that's why you wanted me to come, right?

Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeah—no. She did. She left you umm, (looking in her purse) this lipstick.

Frank Sr.: Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's (opens it) oh it's—ew used. Umm, cool.

Phoebe: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm going to get out my official forms. (She picks up a couple of crumpled receipts.) Okay, so, question 1) You and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct?

Frank Sr.: Yes, yes I was.

Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?

Frank Sr.: It really says that?!

Phoebe: Yeah. See? (Quickly shows him.)

Frank Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I would I would have to say C.

Phoebe: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A. Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man?

Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to leave.) But umm… Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.)

Phoebe: What?!

Frank Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me the way you got mad at me and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note, would you give it to her please?

Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly?

Frank Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why?

Phoebe: Lilly's dead. (He looks up in shock.)

Frank Sr.: She what?!

Phoebe: She's dead.

Frank Sr.: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Well, if she isn't then cremating her was a big mistake.

Frank Sr.: I can't believe this. I just—I can't believe this. How-how—Oh my God. How long ago?

Phoebe: 17 years ago.

Frank Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls?

Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.

(Silence ensues.)

Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you!

Frank Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, (Sits down next to her and brushes against her leg.) Oops. (He backs up.) I just, I-I-I-I don’t, I don’t know what to say. I just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty.

Phoebe: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there.

Frank Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very sorry that I left?

Phoebe: Y'know what, it doesn’t matter what you say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go.

Frank Sr.: All right. Well, y'know in my defense I was a lousy father.

Phoebe: That's a defense?

Frank Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that made you cry even more!

Phoebe: You make up songs?

Frank Sr.: Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Let's see, how did it, how did it go. Umm. (Singing.)

Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.

Why won't you go to sleep?

Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.

You're, you're, you're keeping me uppp! (Yeah, that's to the tune of Smelly Cat.)

Yeah.

(Phoebe is trying not to smile. He moves closer and very shyly holds out his hand and turns his head, hoping for Phoebe to take his hand. She doesn't.)

Frank Sr.: I just, I y'know, I'm not very good at this. So, umm… (Backs away.)

Phoebe: Well, I am. (Moves over and takes his hand.)

(She holds his hand for a little while then…)

Phoebe: Not yet, no. (Drops his hand and moves back.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey returns from his audition and finds everyone but Phoebe there.]

Joey: (dejected) Hi.

All: Hey!

Chandler: Hey man, how did the audition go?

Joey: Estelle said I didn't get it. (Sits down next to Rachel on the couch.)

Rachel: What?! Why? Joey you were so ready for it!

Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me.

Ross: What kind of problem?

Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause) they had a problem with the bag!

Chandler: Oh my God!

Ross: Nooooo!

Joey: Y'know what? It was a stupid play anyway!

Monica: Y'know, Joey, I think it's time to give up the bag.

Joey: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? (She's avoiding his eyes.) Oh, you think I should give up the bag!

Rachel: Honey wait, Joey, I’m sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are with it… (Looks for help.)

Chandler: Oh, hey! (Ross nods in agreement as well.)

Rachel: …I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag.

Joey: I can't believe I'm hearing this!

Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldn’t have a bag, I just—it's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, (Pause) controversial.

Chandler: Yeah umm, they're called wallets.

End

The One Where Everyone Finds Out

Written by: Alexa Junge

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating some Chinese food.]

Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes!

(They all run and join her at the window.)

Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving.

Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes.

Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt.

Chandler: And we're done with the chicken fried rice.

Ross: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place!

All: Good idea! Yes!

Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys!

Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string!

Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen.]

Ross: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is!

Rachel: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.

Phoebe: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it.

Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.)

Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. (Does so.)

Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!

Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!

Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!

Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!

Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!

Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!

Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!

Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!

Ross: (entering) What's going on?

Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!

Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!

Ross: What?! What?!

Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment!

Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)

Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)

(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there talking about Chandler and Monica.]

Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or—Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp!

Rachel: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it.

Phoebe: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys!

Rachel: Joey! Come here! Come here!

Joey: What? What?

Rachel: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler.

Joey: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? (Glares at Rachel.)

Rachel: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. (Joey gasps) Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.

Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?

Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!

Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.

Rachel: Wh-what do you mean?

Phoebe: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do.

Rachel: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that!

Joey: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them.

Rachel: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing.

Joey: I can't take any…

Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know!

Joey: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To Rachel) I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know!

Rachel: You don't have any secrets!

Joey: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Joey shies away.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them?

Joey: Ugh.

Phoebe: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.

Chandler: (entering) Hello children!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.

(She gets up and goes over to Chandler who's ordering some coffee from Gunther.)

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: (feels his arm) Yeah the material feels so soft—hello Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out?

Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay?

Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm—Oh! I can't tell you this.

Chandler: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything.

Phoebe: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one person I want to the most.

Chandler: What's going on?

Phoebe: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don’t even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee—Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just something to think about. I know I will.

(She makes a show of bending over to get her coat and showing off her bum. She then walks out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.)

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler and Monica are there, of course. Like who else would it be, duh!]

Monica: You are so cute! How did you get to be so cute?

Chandler: Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Monica: Okay, now you're even cuter!!

Chandler: Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say.

Monica: What?

Chandler: The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me.

Monica: What are you talking about?

Chandler: I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.

Monica: That's not possible!

Chandler: Ow!

Monica: I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always thought you were, you were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way.

Chandler: Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough.

Monica: I'm sorry, I think that you just misunderstood her.

Chandler: No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud!

Monica: This bicep?

Chandler: Well it's not flexed right now!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there. Monica is entering from her room.]

Rachel: Hey Mon, what are you doing now? Wanna come see a movie with us?

Monica: Uhh, y'know actually I was gonna do some laundry.

Rachel: Oh.

Monica: Hey Chandler, wanna do it with me?

Chandler: Sure, I'll do it with ya.

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Okay great, hold on a sec! (She runs to her room and returns carrying a huge bag of laundry.) Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya? That would really help me out a lot! Thanks!

Monica: I mean I-I don't I think I have enough quarters.

Phoebe: I have quarters! (She holds up a bag of quarters.)

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey Ross! Any word on the apartment yet?

Ross: Well, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: No-no, I got the edge. I know it's not exactly ethical but I sent him a little bribe to

tip the scales in my direction. Check it out, you can probably see it from the window. (They all head to the window.)

Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?

Ross: No.

Chandler: That new mountain bike?

Ross: No.

Monica: Well what did you send?

Ross: A basket of mini-muffins.

Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets. Which one did you send?

Ross: The small one.

Rachel: What?! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment?

Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.

Chandler: Your work makes me sad.

Ross: Oh man! I want that place so much!! I was so sure that was gonna work! There's twelve bucks I'll never see again! (Exits.)

Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.

Monica: Bye!

All: Bye!

Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.)

Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!

Monica: Actually, I did!

Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?

Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!

Chandler: Are you serious?

Monica: Phoebe knows and she's just trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation for it!

Chandler: (a little hurt) Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps—She knows!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is snoozing with Hugsy, his bedtime penguin pal and Chandler and Monica come storming in.]

Chandler: (entering) Joey!

(Joey quickly tries to hide Hugsy by throwing it over his head.)

Joey: Yeah?

Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!

Joey: Well I didn't tell them!

Monica: Them?! Who's them?

Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!

Chandler: Oh man!

Joey: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? Because you can tell them that you know they know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!

Monica: Unless…

Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now!

Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So…

Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is looking at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment through binoculars.]

Ross: Noooo.

Rachel: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself!

Phoebe: Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment?

Ross: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one!

Rachel: Y'know what you should do?

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear.

Joey: I'm listening.

Rachel: (To Ross) See?

Ross: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline.

Phoebe: He broke that.

Ross: Well, he had gravity boots.

Rachel: Yeah, he broke those too.

Joey: So he likes to break stuff.

Ross: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. (He opens the door and stops.) Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?

Phoebe: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out.

Joey: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming.

Ross: Right. (Exits.)

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello! (Listens) Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here! (To Phoebe) It's Chandler.

Phoebe: (in a sexy voice) Oh? (Takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello you.

Chandler: Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that Monica can hear it as well.)

Phoebe: Eh?

Chandler: Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.

Phoebe: Really?

Chandler: Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.

Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!

Rachel: Are you kidding?!

Phoebe: No!

Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?

Joey: No.

Rachel: Joey!

Joey: They know you know.

Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!

Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything!

Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too.

[Scene: Outside Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross is knocks on the door and Ugly Naked Guy answers it. He's ugly. He's naked. And he's holding a huge jumbo soda.]

Ross: Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller. I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is fierce but—I'm sorry. I, I can't help but notice you're naked and (He claps his hands.) I applaud you. Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this looks so great. That is how God intended it.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are planning their respective strategies to break the other pairing. Joey is not amused.

Monica: (in the kitchen with Chandler) Look at them, they're-they're panicked!

Chandler: Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down!

Monica: Oh yeah!

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: All right. All right! If he wants a date? He's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in.

Rachel: All right. Be sexy.

Phoebe: (laughs) Please.

(She saunters over to Chandler with a mean pair of 'Come hither' eyes and she glares at Monica.)

Phoebe: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight.

Chandler: (initially worried, but gets over it) Really?

Phoebe: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven?

Chandler: Yes.

Phoebe: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.

(As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream to Monica. How motions and mouths, "It's okay, it's okay.")

Joey: (looking out the window) Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend!

(They all run over to the window.)

Rachel: Oh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That is our friend! (Monica covers her face.) It's Naked Ross! (Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's shoulder.)

All: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Phoebe ready for her date.]

Rachel: Show time!

Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume!

Rachel: Okay! (She runs to get some.)

Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? (He begrudgingly does so.)

(In the meantime, Rachel has returned with the perfume and sprays a mist out in front of Phoebe who walks through the mist and does a little spin.)

[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Monica is getting Chandler ready for his half of the plan.]

Monica: All right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have sex with her! It'll totally freak her out!

Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?

Monica: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do!

Chandler: How do you know?!

Monica: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins!

Chandler: At this?!

Monica: Just go get some! (Kisses him.) Go! (She runs to hide in the bathroom.)

[Cut to the hallway, Phoebe is outside getting some last minute instructions from Rachel.]

Rachel: (handing her the wine) Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here!

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: Okay? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one button on Phoebe's dress.)

Phoebe: Good idea!

Rachel: Yeah, oh wait! (She goes for another one.)

Phoebe: Oh now, don't give away the farm!

(Phoebe knocks on the door with the wine and Chandler answers it. Rachel hides next to the door.)

Chandler: Phoebe.

Phoebe: Chandler.

Chandler: Come on in.

Phoebe: I was going too. (They go inside and he closes the door.) Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some?

Chandler: Sure.

(She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.)

Phoebe: So, here we are. Nervous?

Chandler: Me? No. You?

Phoebe: No, I want this to happen.

Chandler: So do I.

(They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.)

Chandler: I'm gonna put on some music.

Phoebe: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you. (She starts doing a rather suggestive and seductive dance that's silly at the same time.)

Chandler: You look good.

Phoebe: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!

Chandler: Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom?

Phoebe: Really?

Chandler: Oh, do you not want to?

Phoebe: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me.

Chandler: (swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion.

[Cut to the bathroom, Chandler is entering.]

Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!

Monica: She's bluffing!

Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)

[Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.]

Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.

Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair!

Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.

Joey: Ooh!

Rachel: Okay!

Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)

Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons.

Joey: It's not my first time.

[Cut to the bathroom.]

Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!

Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?

Monica: Of course.

[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.)

Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going?

Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.

Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex.

Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now.

Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.

(They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)

Phoebe: Ooh.

Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.

Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.

(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!

Phoebe: And why not?!

Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!!

Phoebe: You're-you're what?!

(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)

Chandler: Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.

Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)

Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!

Joey: Dude!

Chandler: And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts are still showing.

Phoebe: God! (She turns and buttons up.)

Joey: All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!

Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't.

Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.

(Joey suddenly gets very angry.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Ross's new apartment, he is showing his boss, Dr. Ledbetter his new place and new outlook on life.]

Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished.

Dr. Ledbetter: I must say it's nice to see you back on your feet.

Ross: Well I am that. And that whole rage thing is definitely behind me.

Dr. Ledbetter: I wonder if its time for you to rejoin our team at the museum?

Ross: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. I—What? (He notices something through the window.) No! Wh… What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

End

The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey

Written by: Adam Chase

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The hallway, Ross is running up the stairs. Note: This show continues where the last one left off.]

Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!

Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)

Monica: What are you doing?!

Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.

Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?

(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)

Ross: What the hell are doing?!!

Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?!

Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.

Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there!

Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!

Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.

Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too.

(There's a brief pause.)

Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.) (To Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!

Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while.

(There's another pause as Ross gets angry again.)

Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew? (Joey and Rachel backup against the door.) You all knew and you didn't tell me?!!

Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how you were going to react.

(Pause.)

Ross: (happily again) You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react? (He hugs them both.)

Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares at him.) Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Ross: Hey, you know what I just realized? If you guys ever have kids…

Chandler: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?!

Joey: (quickly) I call Godfather!

Ross: You can't just call Godfather. Don't you think her brother should be Godfather?

Joey: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first.

Monica: Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us.

Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps.

Rachel: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you.

Phoebe: Ooh, I'll go in on that with you! I couldn't think of anything.

Rachel: Okay.

(A girl enters.)

Joey: (to her) Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie.

Katie: Hi!

All: Hi!

Joey: So, are you ready to go?

Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.

Joey: Oh sure, right back there. (Points.)

Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch?

Joey: I was thinking Chinese food.

Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?! (She hits him repeatedly as she says that.)

(She heads to the bathroom and Joey sits back down.)

Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket!

Joey: I don't know. I mean I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but…

Monica: But what?

Joey: (shyly) She keeps punching me.

(They all laugh.)

Monica: In that cute, little, sweet way she just did?

Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks! Okay? (Quietly) She-she-she's hurting me.

Monica: I know what you need, you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?

Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up.

Rachel: Aww, Joey, come here. (She takes his hand.) Look honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you and I--Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's unpacking after moving in. There's a knock on the door and he answers it.]

Ross: (opens it to reveal Phoebe) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! I brought you some house warming gifts.

Ross: Aww.

Phoebe: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has flavor.

Ross: Huh.

Phoebe: Bread, so you never go hungry.

Ross: Ohh.

Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, y'know.

Ross: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again.

Phoebe: Yeah!

(The door across the hall opens and a guy walks into Ross's apartment.)

Guy: Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Guy: Welcome to the building. I'm uh, Steve Sarah; I'm president of the tenants committee.

Ross: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend Phoebe.

Steve: Oh hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: Mr. President.

Steve: I came to talk to you about Howard.

Ross: Howard?

Steve: Yeah, he's the handy man. He's gonna be retiring next week and everyone who lives here is kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the hard work type of thing.

Ross: Oh that's nice.

Steve: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check? Or…

Ross: Oh. Uhh…

Steve: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me right now! You can slip it under my door. (Points to his apartment across the hall.)

Ross: No-no, it's not that, it's just… I-I just moved in.

Steve: Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years.

Ross: Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes.

Steve: Oh, okay, I get it. (Starts to leave.)

Ross: No wait, look. Look! I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met Howard. I-I mean I don't know Howard.

Steve: Howard's the handy man!

Ross: Yes but too me he's just, man.

Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building. (Exits.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) Ugh, can you believe that guy!

Phoebe: Yeah. I really like his glasses.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is lamenting to Chandler and Rachel about his troubles in his new building.]

Ross: …so then President Steve told everyone that I was a cheapskate, and now the whole building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee! Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone in the building, and I'm gonna sit them down and explain to them, I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles.

Chandler: (To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party.

Rachel: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why don't you just pay the hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way more than that.

Ross: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're talking about my principles!

Rachel: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you.

Ross: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags. (Exits.)

Rachel: And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law.

Chandler: Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head.

Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head.

Chandler: Wh-wh-why?!

Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her.

Chandler: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?!

Rachel: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. And she's a woman, and she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica.

Chandler: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I’m right. I'm right. Am I right?

Rachel: No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different.

Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it?

Rachel: Not unless different means the same.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is sitting on the couch with Katie.]

Katie: You were so funny with that waiter! You're such a nut! (She slaps her thighs, Joey jerks, and spills some of his coffee.)

Joey: (sets the coffee down) Y'know, breadstick fangs are always funny.

Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one! (She punches him again and he retreats to the arm of the couch.)

Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat.

Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me because of my size! (She punches him again and almost knocks him off the arm of the couch.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Monica are curled up on one of the chairs.]

Monica: Isn't this great?

Chandler: Hmm.

Monica: Couldn't you just stay like this forever? (His eyes snap open.) Chandler! Couldn't you just stay here forever?

Chandler: Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever. (Gets up.)

Monica: Are you okay?

Chandler: Yeah, I'm cool. Casual.

Monica: What-what are you doing?

Chandler: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually.

Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!!

Chandler: What?!

Monica: Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff.

Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right?

Monica: Oh and you know what I want!

Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever!

Monica: I do not have baby fever!

Chandler: Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?!

Monica: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me! This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap!

Chandler: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head!

Monica: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I can't even look at you right now?! (She storms out.)

Chandler: Well, I did not know that.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting advice from Ross and Joey.]

Chandler: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable.

Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely.

Chandler: By me?

Ross: Oh, no!

Joey: No-no.

Ross: Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture.

Joey: Yeah, big!

(Monica enters.)

Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses.

Monica: Gunther, can I get a coffee (Looks at Chandler) to go?

Chandler: Monica. (Goes to talk to her.)

Monica: I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you.

Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right.

Monica: What?!

Chandler: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again.

Monica: Really? I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're gonna have to figure this one for yourself. All right? Y'know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one. (She walks out.)

(Chandler turns to watch her go and then sees Ross and Joey both with huge grimaces on their faces.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's having his party, only he's the only guest. He gets up and puts on a nametag that says Ross, but doesn't quite like it. So he takes it off and puts on one that says Dr. Geller and he puts the Ross one underneath the Dr. Geller one. Then as he turns off the music, we hear the party for Howard raging in the apartment across the hall.]

Party Guests: (chanting) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (Ross goes to investigate the noise) Howard! Howard! Howard! (They're holding Howard above their heads.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (He sees Phoebe chanting along with them.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!!

Ross: Phoebe! (He grabs her arm to get her attention.)

Phoebe: Oh, hi Ross!

Ross: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out it’s a party for Howard. He's just the sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.)

Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for chipping in!

Ross: You chipped in?!

Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars.

Ross: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money!

Phoebe: Yeah, but they didn't ask me! Y'know? This way I'm just y'know, the exotic, generous stranger. That's always fun to be.

Ross: Yeah, but you're making me look bad!

Phoebe: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making you look better! They'll see you talking to me and that's--I'm a hit!

Steve: (walking up) Oh hey, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Steve: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments because Phoebe's more our kind of people. Something to think about. (Walks away.)

(Ross turns and glares at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, my bad.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is getting some coffee as Joey enters. He's looking a little puffy, but that's probably from the large number of different color sweaters he's wearing.]

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hi! Wow! You look, you look…big.

Joey: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters?

Rachel: Uhhh, yeah. But it's not obvious why.

Joey: Well look, I’m breaking up with Katie so I had to put on some extra padding. Y'know? I mean, if she hits me when she's happy, can you imagine how hard she's gonna hit me when I tell her I'm taking away the Joey love?

Katie: (entering) Hi!

Joey: Hey! Hiya!

Rachel: Hey! Hey, cute jacket!

Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet! (She punches Rachel like she punched Joey.)

Rachel: Oh! Ow! (Joey motions, "You see what I mean?!")

Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, (Punches Joey) are too much! (Punches Rachel.)

Rachel: Whoa! (Laughs) Y'know what Katie? I gotta tell ya I-I-I-I think you are the one who is too much. (She punches Katie back.)

Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! (She punches Rachel.)

Rachel: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! (She retaliates.)

Katie: You're so sweet! (Punches Rachel yet again.)

Rachel: Ohh, you're so sweet! (She kicks Katie in the shin.)

Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me.

Joey: Huh.

Katie: Well? Aren't you gonna do something?

Joey: Uhh….

Katie: You'd better do something, or I'm gonna walk out that door right now! Well? Are you gonna?

Joey: Nah.

(She looks at Rachel and storms out. After she's left Joey hugs Rachel in thanks.)

[Scene: Howard's party, Phoebe is talking Ross up to two more partygoers. Ross isn't happy about it.]

Ross: (trying to get her attention) Phoebe?

Phoebe: (ignoring him and continuing her conversation) That's what I'm saying. (Laughs.)

Ross: (tapping her on the shoulder) Phoebe? Phoebe?

Phoebe: Ooh. (Turns to him.)

Ross: Look, this is a disaster! Can't I please just go?

Phoebe: No! No! I'm talking you up to people. Just give it a little time, all right? Relax, get something to eat! Okay?

(They go to the food table.)

Ross: So uh, what did you tell them about me?

Phoebe: Oh, I was telling them about you and Emily. Y'know, try to get some sympathy.

Ross: Ohh. (He cuts himself a piece of cake.)

Phoebe: But somehow you came off as the bad guy.

Ross: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Y'know, we should talk about that because I don't totally understand what happened there.

Ross: (trying a piece of cake) Ohh, this cake is really good!

Phoebe: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up already!

Guest #2: (sees the cake) Oh my God! Someone cut Howard's cake! (Ross tries dumping it into a nearby plant.) Who would do a think like that?

(Steve goes over to look at Ross who's trying to look cool, but has some frosting on his lip.)

Steve: 3-B!

All: Oh yeah, aww!

Steve: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined everyone's fun! Don't you think it's time you went home?!

Guest #3: Yeah, leave!

All: Yeah, get out! Now!

Steve: Go back to 3-B, 3-B!

Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? (Ross is the only one who raises his hand and Phoebe glares at him to put his hand back down.) Of course you don't like him! He-he didn't give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked, "Who hear likes Ross," and he's wearing two nametags! (He takes one off.) I-I'll be honest with you guys, when I first met Ross I didn't like him at all! But then once I got to know him I saw that he's really sweet and caring and very generous. I mean, all I'm saying is don't judge Ross before you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all you guys now, but when I first meet you y'know Kurt, I thought, y'know abrasive drunk, umm Lola, mind numbingly stupid! And okay, you guys (She turns to an elderly gentleman and a 20 something woman, who're a couple.) (To the girl) Gold-digger, (To the old guy) cradle robbing perv! So, I think you all know what I mean.

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross and Phoebe have been banished to Ross's place.]

Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero.

Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler comes running in. Everyone else is already there.]

Chandler: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?

Monica: (raising her hand) I'm Monica.

Chandler: I need to talk to you, it's urgent!

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?!

Chandler: (getting out a ring box) Monica…

Monica: No-no, don't-don't-don't do it!

Chandler: Will you marry me?

(Phoebe hides her eyes in shame. Rachel is starring at them wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Joey and Ross are stunned to temporary silence.)

Ross: Oh-no. No. No.

Joey: What a bad idea!

Rachel: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! (She doesn't move.)

Monica: Chandler, why are you doing this?

Chandler: I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this.

Monica: Chandler.

Chandler: I'm doing this because I'm sorry?

Monica: Do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?

Chandler: No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife?

Monica: (kneels with him) Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds.

Chandler: Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now.

Monica: Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now!

Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.)

Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: She's right y'know.

Ross: Yeah, but still, cheap shot!

Monica: Y'know what? Y'know when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own? Well, you're not ready for that.

Chandler: I didn't think I was!

(They hug.)

Monica: Oh my God, what would have done if I said yes?

Chandler: Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Everyone is there.]

Joey: Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife?

Ross: No, I will not!

Joey: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.

Ross: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me?

(They all laugh.)

Phoebe: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.

Rachel: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure, Chandler?

Chandler: Okay, how long is this going to go on.

Monica: Well I think the length of teasing is directly related to how insane you were so, a long time.

Ross: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, I'm sorry, will you marry me? (Laughs--whines as he sees that no one is laughing. They're just staring at him in shock.)

Chandler: That's not funny.

Joey: That's not funny at all!

(They all get up and leave.)

End

The One With A Cop

Story by: Alicia Sky Varinaitis

Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are sitting on one of the chairs doing a crossword puzzle.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: What are you guys doing up?

Chandler: Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?

Joey: (thinks) Dark red.

Chandler: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?

Monica: (checks to see if it works) Yes, you are so smart! (Kisses him.)

Joey: Aww, you guys are so cute!

Monica: I know.

Joey: All right, I'll see you in the morning.

Chandler and Monica: Okay.

[Scene: Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep and dreaming. In his dream he's doing the crossword puzzle with…wait for it…Monica!]

Dream Monica: Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey!

Dream Joey: Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed.

Dream Monica: Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but…

Dream Joey: Cat.

Dream Monica: Yes! You are so smart! (Kisses him.) I love you.

Dream Joey: I love you too.

(They hug.)

[Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he realized what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in bed.]

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill, and Chandler gives some money to pay it.]

Rachel: (looking at the bill) Uhh, we still need a tip.

Phoebe: All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel! (Donates it.) How much more do we need?

Rachel: A couple of bucks.

Phoebe: Okay, dime! (Donates that.) You guys should probably keep talking; this could take a while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh my God, this is a police badge!

Monica: Wow!

Chandler: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that.

Rachel: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge.

Phoebe: Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses her fingers in hope.)

Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: Hey Joey!

Monica: Hey.

Joey: (To Monica) Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt?

Monica: Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay?

Joey: Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends--and I’m not him.

Monica: I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you.

Joey: No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica!

Monica: Are you saying I smell bad?

Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.)

Monica: What's with him?

Chandler: Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter.

[Scene: A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast.]

Rachel: (disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh!

Ross: (To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come here to me!"

Rachel: What?! You say that to kids?!!

Ross: No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is y'know for the ladies.

Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch.

The Salesman: You picked a great couch.

Ross: Yeah?

The Salesman: Yeah. Could you just sign right here please? (Hands him a clipboard.)

Ross: Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch!

Rachel: Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away!

Ross: Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! (He signs the form and hands it back to the salesman.) All right Rach, let's go! (He picks up one end of the couch.)

Rachel: Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kiddin'?

Ross: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on!

Rachel: (Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her amazement, she is successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it!

Ross: Yeah!

The Salesman: You two are really gonna enjoy that couch.

Ross: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the store.)

The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.)

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: What's that supposed to mean?

Rachel: Ross!

The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's very…y'know. And you're like…y'know.

Ross: Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.

The Salesman: Really? You two?

Ross: Yeah! Rach?

Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.

Ross: Then tell him quickly.

Rachel: (To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out.

Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!

Rachel: Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser!

Ross: A loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times!

(Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.)

[Scene: Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her cigarette on a tree.]

Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?

The Smoking Woman: Yes?

Phoebe: You can't put your cigarette out on a tree!

The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked real well.

Phoebe: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again.

The Smoking Woman: I won't! (Turns away) Until I have my next cigarette.

Phoebe: Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk!

The Smoking Woman: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Book 'em.

The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking too?

Phoebe: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.

The Smoking Woman: I am not going to apologize to a tree!

Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!!

The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry.

Phoebe: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!

[Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.]

Ross: Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.)

Rachel: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here?

Ross: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go.

(They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps before another landing and another 90-degree turn.)

Ross: Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the railing.)

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left!

Ross: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Okay. You got it?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Good-good-good.

Rachel: Oh-oh!

(She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.)

Ross: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it?

(She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom railing.)

Rachel: Any chance you think the couch looks good there?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.]

Phoebe: …so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. (Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool!

Monica: (cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!

Phoebe: I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.

Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.

Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey enters.)

Phoebe: (To Joey) Hey.

Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh.

Chandler: Hi, Joe.

Joey: Yeah, I didn’t know you guys were going to be here.

Monica: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.)

Joey: (backing away) What?! Why?!

Monica: What is going on with you?

Joey: Nothing!

Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!

Joey: All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't want to talk about it. (Starts for his room.)

Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I don’t want to talk about it.

Joey: Well, it involved Monica.

Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)

Joey: Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two--ish.

Monica: What was the dream about?

Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out.

Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn’t mean that-that you're in love with me!

Joey: It-it doesn’t?

Monica: No!

Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud.

Joey: That kinda sounds like your dream dude.

Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.

Joey: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.

Monica: Um-hmm.

Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?

Joey: (looks at her) Not really.

Chandler: Well there you have it!

Monica: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly realizing what his point is.) But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend!

Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?

Chandler: Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?

Joey: Friends first? That's interesting.

Monica: You become friends after?

Joey: No, never done that either.

Rachel: (entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?

Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.

(Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.)

Monica: (laughing) That's right.

(They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.)

Rachel: (noticing him) What's up Joey?

Joey: (in a sexy voice) How you doin'?

(Rachel is stunned.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter Central Perk.]

Phoebe: Excuse me, is this your car?

Guy: Yeah.

Phoebe: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance.

Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.

Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.)

Guy: (he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I!

Phoebe: Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4. (Tries to leave.)

Cop: (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?

Phoebe: I-I'm with the umm, the 57th.

Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.

Phoebe: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.

Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there?

Phoebe: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?

Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.

Phoebe: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald.

Cop: No, I don't know him.

Phoebe: (starts to walk away, but stops) Don’t try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died.

Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.

Phoebe: I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.)

Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?

Phoebe: Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to help Ross out.]

Rachel: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?

Joey: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you.

(He starts staring at her longingly.)

Rachel: Thanks!

Joey: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight.

Rachel: I know.

Joey: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me one of those.

Rachel: What's up Joe?

Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great…

Rachel: Yeah?

Joey: …is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So…

Rachel: (laughing) What are you saying?

Joey: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.

Rachel: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up.

Joey: I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.)

Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm… No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!

Joey: Won't-won't that take longer?

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait.

Joey: Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause) Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first!

[Scene: The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch.]

Ross: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me.

Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.

Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey?

Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing.

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!

Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so…

Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)

Rachel: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.)

Ross: Oh, that's me.

Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.

Ross: No! That's-that's my arm!

Chandler: (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

Ross: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead.

(Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.)

Rachel: Okay!

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: Come on, Chandler.

(They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on Chandler's end.)

Ross: All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Okay, here we go!

(Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of stairs.)

Ross: All right, ready?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Turn.

Chandler: (straining) Okay.

Ross: Turn! Turn!

(As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.)

Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!

Rachel: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit.

Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!

Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!

(They set the couch down.)

Ross: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore.

Chandler and Rachel: You think?!

Ross: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again.

(As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free it to no avail.)

Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.

Ross: I can't believe that didn't work!

Rachel: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch!

Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.)

Chandler: (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?

Joey: Uhh, well, she's…really good in bed.

Monica: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first!

Joey: (To Rachel) Well look, hey, it's all your fault!

Rachel: What?! Why?!

Joey: Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her roommate!

Monica: What about the closeness?

Joey: Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.]

Joey: (entering) All right! Hey, who wants pizza?!

Chandler: Ooh, I do! I do! I do!

(They all walk over to get a slice.)

Joey: (taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor?

(They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.)

Monica: Who is it?

Voice: N.Y.P.D!!

Phoebe and Joey: Oh my God!

Joey: Uhh, just a minute officer!!

(He throws his piece back in the box, runs into the living room, looks for a place to hide the pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch, sits down on the table, and tries to quickly chew the food in his mouth.)

Cop: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay!

Phoebe: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me!

Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?!

Phoebe: Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you (Points at all of them) with me. (They all look at her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck Chandler. (She opens the door to the cop from before.) Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it!

Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right?

Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!

Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.

Phoebe: I would love it if I weren't here!

Cop: Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me?

Phoebe: Me?!

Cop: Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen.

Chandler and Joey: Nice!

Phoebe: Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out!

Cop: Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me.

Phoebe: Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer…

Cop: Gary.

Phoebe: Gary.

Gary: Okay, so it's a date.

Phoebe: Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me?

Gary: Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out.

Phoebe: Ohh, impressive.

Gary: Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff.

Phoebe: Yeah, we'll talk at dinner.

Gary: Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?

Phoebe: All right, I can't wait!

Gary: Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts.

(Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.)

Chandler: (To Rachel) He has a gun!

Closing Credits

[Scene: The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman.]

Ross: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.

[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.]

The Saleswoman: You wanna return this couch? (Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half!

Ross: That's what I'm telling you.

The Saleswoman: Did you cut this couch in half?

Ross: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half!

The Saleswoman: You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?!

Ross: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit.

The Saleswoman: I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.

Ross: (thinks) I take it.

End

The One With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters, happily.]

Rachel: Good, you guys are all here!

Ross: Hey! What's up?

Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow!

All: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great!

Rachel: I know!

Joey: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks!

Rachel: Wh-what?!

Joey: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there.

Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!

Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it!

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: You wanna work on your interview skills?

Rachel: O-okay!

Phoebe: Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi.

Rachel: Hi.

(They shake hands.)

Phoebe: Very good handshake, good wrist action.

Monica: Let me try. (Gets up to join them.)

Phoebe: Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls away suddenly) Oh my God! What did I ever do to you?! (Rubbing her hand.)

Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard?

Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.

(Chandler tries to comprehend that remark.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the window waving at Ross.]

Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before.

Monica: Is he doing his shark attack bit yet?

Joey: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes.

(We see Ross through the window and he acts like a swimmer that gets attacked by a shark, picture one of the many, many, many Jaws movies they made and you get the idea.)

Joey: (waving) Very funny Ross! Very life-like and funny. Okay. (Notices that a woman is waving back.) Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at you lady. (She just stares at him.) (Joey sees how beautiful she is.) Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in Ross's building is flirting with me.

Monica: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up!

Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.) Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor…

Monica: (joining him) Wow! She is pretty, huh?

Joey: Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no, I'm not with her, she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.) Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica away and makes a disgusted face.)

[Scene: Ross's Building, Joey is trying to find the hot girl's apartment. So he's walking up the hallway counting doors. He comes to what he thinks is the right one and knocks on it. Ross opens the door, it's his apartment.]

Ross: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh?

Joey: This is your place?

Ross: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be surfing. (He pretends he's surfing by the window.)

Joey: But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man! (Runs away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering again.]

Joey: Ugh!!

Monica: What happened?

Joey: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something. (Looks out the window.) Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-l-look, Ross is doing his 'Watching TV' bit. (We see Ross sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels on his remote.)

Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV.

(It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's apartment that we see that the TV is turned off and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to hide his smirk.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day, Gary is kissing Phoebe good-bye.]

Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the suspect.

Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go!

Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause some guy shot at a store clerk.

Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart!

Phoebe: Okay, then maybe I can come too!

Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer.

Phoebe: All right, you go. (They kiss.)

Gary: Bye-bye.

Phoebe: 'Kay, bye!

(Gary closes the door behind him.)

Phoebe: Oh God!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Oh I just miss him so much!

Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh?

Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each other.

Monica: I know it is the best.

Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler?

Monica: What? It's still going on.

Phoebe: Come on, seriously! When did it end?

Monica: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time.

Phoebe: Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious.

Monica: (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode now.) (Jumping up) What don't you just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don’t you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!!

Phoebe: (Under her breath) God, I woke the beast. Sorry. (To Monica) I was wrong obviously, I just—I misspoke. It's okay.

Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire!

Chandler: (entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back.

Monica: You are so cute. (She goes over and kisses him passionately.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel returns from her interview.]

Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go?

Rachel: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing!

Joey: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall right out of your chair?

Rachel: No!

Chandler: So what happened?

Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh!

Joey: What happened?

Rachel: (We see a flashback as Rachel describes what happened.) All right, we were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me… Y'know maybe he was going to open the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh… (The flashback shows that she kissed him on the cheek.)

Joey: You kissed him?!

Rachel: Well, I didn't know what else to do!

Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him.

Rachel: Thanks Chandler.

Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview!

Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second interview!

Monica: Yes!

Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it?

Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back?

Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No?

Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about?

Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!"

Chandler: Come on, Rach.

Rachel: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him?

Monica: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job.

Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't know—Oh God, how could I be so stupid?!

Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's back!

Rachel: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you.

Joey: No, in Ross's building! (He throws Rachel onto the chair and heads to the window.) She's back! She's back! (Pantomimes) Okay, wait there, I'll be over in a second. (He counts where she is again.) Got it! (Runs out and does a little hot over a chair.)

Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and kisses her.)

[Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by Ross.]

Joey: Damnit!! Did you move?!

Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. (Joey just stares at him) I'm Ross.

(Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks away. He knocks on the next door and it's answered by an old man.)

The Old Man: Yes?

Joey: (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there?

The Old Man: No. I'm all alone.

Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl?

The Little Girl: Daddy!!

Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!!

[Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer) office banging her pen between her teeth.]

Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel!

Rachel: Hi!

Mr. Zelner: Come on in.

(They go inside.)

Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again.

Rachel: Thank you.

Mr. Zelner: (Sees that she has some ink on her lip from her pen.) Oh Rachel, uhh… (He points to his lip to get her to notice the ink on hers.)

Rachel: What?

Mr. Zelner: Just ah… (He points again.)

Rachel: Excuse me?

Mr. Zelner: Here let me… (He goes to wipe it off himself.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from her interview attempt.]

Rachel: (entering) Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me!

(Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to get Rachel to once again notice the ink on her lip.)

Rachel: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that?

Ross: You got ink on your lip.

Rachel: Oh. (Realizes.) Ohhhhhhhhh….

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and Chandler and Monica are all there.]

Chandler: (To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun?

Gary: I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that.

Chandler: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you… (He gestures and spills some of his coffee.)

Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no.

Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight?

Phoebe: Oh we can't, we already have plans.

Monica: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie.

Monica: (That annoying competitiveness thing kicks in again, what the heck is that with her and why must the writers show it every flippin' episode?!) Oh, we're not seeing a movie!

Phoebe: You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go?

Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Okay. (She gets up and walks over to Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you for a second?

Chandler: Uh, yeah.

Monica: Okay. (They walk away to get some privacy.) We have got to beat them! {Here we go yet again.}

Chandler: Why?

Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!

Chandler: Ohh, so?

Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong!

Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that reads, "Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!" and it's signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is getting his mail.]

Ross: (to the woman checking her mail next to him) Hey!

(A man walks up.)

The Man: (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a flyer that has a sketch drawing of Joey and it reads, "Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep - call the cops!") You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking for some kind of a hot girl.

Ross: (to the woman checking her mail) Who isn't?

(For the first time we see that the woman Ross is talking too is in fact the hot girl that Joey is looking for. She just kinda stares at him.)

Ross: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross.

The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman.

Ross: Nevermind! (Goes back to his mailbox.)

The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had just moved in.

Ross: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm…

The Hot Girl: Jen.

Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a little…(makes some kind of crazy noise) But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or…

Jen: Sure! That would be nice.

Ross: Umm?

Jen: Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a business card.) Give me a call.

Ross: I will give you a call.

Jen: I'll see you later. (Starts to walk away.)

Ross: Okay!

(After she's left, Ross gets really happy and starts kissing the card. Suddenly, she returns.)

Jen: I forgot my paper. (Ross quickly hides the card in his mouth.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital Monica and Chandler are recovering on the couch.]

Chandler: That was amazing!

Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner.

Chandler: That was amazing.

Monica: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is hotter than we are! You're the best.

Chandler: No, you're the best.

Monica: No, you're the best.

Chandler: No, you're the best.

Monica: I am the best.

(Just as they start to get up, Joey walks in.)

Joey: (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of undress) What 'cha been doin'? (Has a silly grin.)

Monica: (looking out the window) Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you the other day?

Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. (He looks out the window.) Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her anyway.

Monica: Why?

Joey: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something.

Monica: What are you talking about? (Pointing out the window.) She obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left!

Joey: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor, eighth apartment from the left.

Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong.

Joey: I did not know that! Thank you Monica. (Starts to leave) I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting.

[Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up for their date.]

Ross: So uhh, you ready?

Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock on the door.) Could you get that?

Ross: Sure. (He opens the door to Joey. Needless to say, Joey's stunned.) Joey…

Joey: Dahhhhh!! (Ross has a puzzled look on his face.) No! Noooo!! (Storms off.)

[Scene: Mr. Zelner's office, Rachel has come back again to try and do that second interview.]

Rachel: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again.

Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this meeting is being videotaped.

Rachel: (looks around for the camera) Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you.

Mr. Zelner: Fair enough.

Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against.  So she didn't want to sue him.   Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got (counts them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr…

Mr. Zelner: Zelner.

Rachel: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think, I think I would be really good at it.

Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot.

Rachel: (gasps) Oh! You are?

Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm.

Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh… Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug?

Mr. Zelner: Yes!

Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake? (She goes to shake his hand but misses and touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch that—I mean you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so—Hey! I'll see you Monday! (Exits.)

[Scene: A restaurant, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Gary are on a double date. Chandler is yawning.]

Phoebe: You tired Chandler?

Monica: You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I mean. You know what I mean?

Chandler: Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean.

Gary: So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got you?

Chandler: Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.)

Monica: Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair.

Phoebe: Ohh, (laughs) umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here.

Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so…

Monica: You didn't!

Phoebe: We did! We violated Section 12 Paragraph 7 of the criminal code!

Monica: The park huh? A public place.

Gary: Uh-huh.

Monica: I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second! (Gets up and heads for the bathroom as that annoying Gotta-win-at-all-costs-super-competitive thing kicks in again.)

[Cut to the Men's room. Chandler is practicing flashing his badge as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hi Chandler.

Chandler: Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it?

Monica: Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?

Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous!

Monica: Come on, we can't let them win!

Chandler: Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?!

Monica: Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase!

Chandler: (gasps) So?

Monica: I feel really sad that we're not…really there anymore.

Chandler: Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about?

Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time?

Chandler: Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.)

Monica: That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way.

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah. (They hug.)

Chandler: Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship.

Monica: Did not.

Chandler: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out!

Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little.

Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Looking through Ross's window, he's doing more pantomimes. The first one is he's walking a dog that has stopped, then suddenly tugs him forward.]

[Cut to the inside of Monica and Rachel's apartment, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]

Rachel: (laughs) I cannot believe Ross is buying this!

Monica: Thank God! I can't watch him anymore!

Chandler: (entering) You guys ready fore the movies?

Rachel: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine.

(We see through the big window from the outside and see that Monica and Rachel have pictures of their faces pasted onto cardboard cutouts of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth wearing their Baywatch swimsuits.)

Ross: (from his apartment) Man! They cannot get enough! (Makes like he's a robot and waves at the cutouts.)

End

The One Where Rachel Smokes

Written by: Michael Curtis

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a deck of cards out to Chandler.]

Joey: Okay, pick a card.

Chandler: Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades)

Joey: All right now, memorize it. (Pause) You got it?

Chandler: Oh yes.

Joey: (holding up the Queen of Clubs) Is that your card? (He winks and smiles.)

Chandler: (pause) Yes.

(Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn't work when Chandler hands him his card back.)

Carol: (entering with Ben and Ross) Hey guys!

Ross: Hi!

Chandler: Hi there!

Ben: Hi!!

Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV commercial!

Phoebe: What are you talking about?!

Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.

Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.

Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings…

Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?!

Chandler: That.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating breakfast, Ross is heading for the bathroom.]

Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, gotta go! Wish me luck!

Joey: Luck!

Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?

Rachel: Uh well, y'know what? I don't think if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day…

Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work, interesting.

Monica: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me.

Rachel: Okay guys, way to wish me luck!

All: Good luck! Go get 'em! (Rachel exits.)

Phoebe: Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month.

Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.

Monica: I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we could have a dinner party and just invite her close friends.

Joey: Ross!! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!!

Ross: (from the bathroom) Okay!!

Joey: Done.

Phoebe: Okay, great so do you want to do it together?

Monica: I would love to do it together!

(Joey starts to giggle.)

Joey: They're gonna do it together.

Chandler: Dude! That's my girlfriend!

Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now?

Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big audition.

Monica: It's gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben's dad.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial?

Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.

Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather.

Ross: You're not his godfather.

Joey: What?! Are you kidding?!

Ross: (Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Okay, let's go godfather.

Joey: All right!

(As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he is still Ben's godfather.)

[Scene: Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a waiting room as Joey enters happily.]

Joey: Hey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition!

Ross: Really? That's great!

Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her…

Carol: (noticing a kid who has picked up a copy of Variety to read) Hey, that kid looks familiar.

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad….

Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)

Joey: That's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's dad?

Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.

Joey: I look more like him than you do! (He winks at Carol.)

Carol: Y'know, I don't really know you well enough for you to do that.

[Scene: Rachel's new job, she's in her new boss's office (Kim's) and with the other assistant (Nancy). Together they're deciding what clothes to buy or something, who knows, let's all watch/read to find out.]

Kim: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think?

Rachel: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric (On the other one.) Sorry.

Kim: Oh don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions and then I take credit for them--I'm kidding.

Nancy: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I'm kidding!

Rachel: (laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun office.

Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back?

(They all get up to leave.)

Kim: (at the door) Rachel? Do you smoke?

Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories…(stops and tries to change directions)…about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is telling Chandler and Monica about her day.]

Rachel: …and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me!

Monica: That doesn't seem fair.

Rachel: I know! It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit!

Chandler: Yeah, it is the best.

Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening? Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, y'know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?

Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just say you wanna get some fresh air.

Rachel: Yeah, I can do that.

Chandler: Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee?

Rachel: I would love to!

Phoebe: Oh good!

Chandler: Yeah, I wanna go to babe.

Phoebe: Oh good.

(They all start out.)

Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! (She slams the door on them.) Okay, let's talk about the party! I have so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail napkin.)

Monica: Yeah, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-ring binder of ideas.)

Phoebe: Oh, look at that.

Monica: All right, that's a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm y'know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music, here's an alphabetized list of all my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food.

Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner party?

Monica: Oh, we're not doing that. Okay…

Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.

Monica: What?! I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of things for you to do!

Phoebe: Like what?

Monica: (Thinks) Cups.

Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?

Monica: And ice!

Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? (Thinks of something) All right. Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice!

Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant…

Phoebe: I got it! Mine!

Ross: (entering, downtrodden) Hi.

Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?!

Ross: Not so good.

Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's (sadly) "Audition didn't go so well. (Happily) Yeah it did?"

Ross: (Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition!

Joey: (also downtrodden) Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback.

Monica: You got a callback too didn't you?

Joey: (Happily) Yeah I did!

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel is out to join Kim and Nancy.]

Kim: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here?

Rachel: Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air.

Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection.

Rachel: Oh great!

Kim: So anyway we really… (Someone exhales and Rachel turns and coughs.) Honey, we're just smoking all over you.

Nancy: Oh, sorry!

Rachel: Oh that's okay.

Kim: No-no-no, we'll move you just stay right there. (They walk away.)

Nancy: So anyway I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about the line.

Kim: Oh that's great! You are the best!

(Rachel gets fed up and heads over to another smoker.)

Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? (He holds up his pack.) Y'know what, actually… (She takes the one he's smoking and heads over to where Nancy and Kim are standing and laughing.) Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here?

Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.

Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.

Kim: We get high.

Rachel: Oh, me too.

Kim: I'm kidding.

Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, me too.

[Scene: Ben and Joey's (Isn't that an ice cream??) callback.]

Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve wracking! How-how do you do this?

Joey: Well, unfortunately, I don't get many callbacks so…

Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?

Joey: Who knows?

The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.

Ross: Yes!! I knew it!! (To the people who didn't make it.) Bye-bye! So long! Later!

Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad!

Ross: Yeah!

The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)

Joey: Man, this is gonna be kinda weird.

Ross: Yeah, it is.

Kyle: Yeah. It's gonna be weird.

Ross: No, we-we're gonna be like best friends, that's why it's gonna be weird.

Kyle: Oh, oh, I thought we were just talking.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are talking.]

Phoebe: (entering, carrying two garbage bags) Hey!

Ross and Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party?

Chandler: Ah sure. What's in 'em?

Phoebe: Umm, cups.

Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.

Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.

Phoebe: Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.

Chandler: Y'know I rued the day once…didn't get a whole lot else done.

Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. (She goes and opens the door to Joey.) Oh, hi Joey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs! (To the guys) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something.

Ross: What's up?

Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.

Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks man.

Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career we're talking about here!

Ross: Well, you just…

Joey: I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it! Look Ross, if anyone should step aside it should be Ben!

Ross: What?!

Joey: What? Chandler! Tell 'em!

Chandler: (shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.)

Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad.

Joey: At least I care about his feelings!

Ross: What?!

Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn’t get it?

Ross: And why wouldn't he get it?

Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do?! Huh?! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!

Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?

Joey: You just give him a spoon baby!

Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we'll just see!

Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch!

Ross: You're kid's name is Raymond!

Joey: Yeah?! So's yours!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there as Rachel enters.]

Monica: (To Rachel) How did work go?

Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said, y'know? And we talked business. Kim totally took my opinions.

Monica: You stink!

Rachel: Thanks!

Monica: No, I'm-I'm serious!

Rachel: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success.

Chandler: Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked!

Rachel: I did not!

Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!

Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career!

Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career…

Monica: That's so gross!

Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up.

Chandler: Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!

Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up. I'm not kidding. (She's not; she stands and walks away. Chandler moves closer.)

Chandler: I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.)

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel, Kim, and Nancy are all puffing away on their cancer sticks.]

Kim: So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?

Nancy: Absolutely!

Rachel: I am so on board! (She throws away her recently lit cigarette.)

Kim: Rachel didn't you just light that?

Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am really, really trying to cut back, y'know? (Laughs) Good luck, Rach.

Nancy: I've actually been thinking about quitting lately.

Kim: Oh sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting but every Monday morning it's like (Mimics chain smoking.)

Nancy: Tell me about it!

Rachel: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit!

Kim: It does sound appealing.

Nancy: Oh, I never could do it.

Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! We can get--what are those--those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters!

Kim: Oh y'know, we really should quit. Okay, let's quit!

Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Give it! Give it! (She grabs their cigarettes and lighters and throws them in the trash.)

Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter. (Rachel laughs.) I'm not kidding.

Rachel: Okay then! (She starts rummaging through the trash to find Kim's lighter.)

[Scene: Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is rehearsing his line.]

Joey: Hmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup! (Tries again, with a little caveman thrown in.) Hmm, soup!

Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room?

Joey: Oh yeah, no problem.

Carol: Thanks. (Exits.)

Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. One day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle.

Ross: (entering, angrily) Joey!

Joey: (angrily) Ross!

Ross: (angrily) Ben! (Pause.) (Happily.) I mean, Ben! Ben!

The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.

(Raymond and Joey go in the office.)

Joey: Hi!

The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)

Joey: Uh-oh.

The Casting Director: Is there a problem?

Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato. But that's okay, no problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup.

The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."

Joey: Oh, what did I say?

The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.

Joey: How's that different? (She looks at him until he gets it.) Oh! Yeah!

The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.

(Raymond and Joey both eat a spoonful and Joey turns to Raymond and says…)

Joey: Hmm, noodle soup.

The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.

Joey: Okay.

(They do it again.)

Joey: Hmm, soup. (Pause.) I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup!

Raymond: COME ON!!!!

The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.

Joey: No! No! I-I can do it one more time! See? Look! (Eats another spoonful) Hmm, noodle soup. Damnit! (Storms out.)

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are cheating and are caught by Rachel.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey-hey!!

Kim: Uh-oh, busted!

Rachel: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters!

Kim: Yeah. That didn't work out.

Nancy: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard!

Rachel: Well y'know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about?

Kim: No. No! You're doing great! Don’t you give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us.

Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down.

Kim: Forget it Rachel! We're both so proud of how well you're doing. I'm not gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired. So go on, get out of here! Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on!

Rachel: Okay. (Starts to walk away.)

Kim: (to Nancy) So, okay! So you'll come with me on the Paris trip.

Rachel: (hearing that) Oh man!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel's surprise party. The apartment is festooned with cups. There are cups everywhere! Cup centerpiece, cup garland, etc., etc]

Phoebe: (To Chandler) Check it out! Cup hat! (Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds up one.)

Chandler: Great job with the cups, Pheebs!

Monica: (overhearing that) Why don't you just go out with her!

(Chandler starts to follow her into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: (following him) And did you notice the ice? (Gestures to 3 huge buckets of ice on the table.) Look! We have it all! We have crushed! Cubed! And dry! Watch! (Pours some water onto the dry ice, causing it to evaporate/smoke.) Ahhh! Mystical!

Chandler: Awesome!

Monica: Chandler! Everyone--no one's eating my Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones!

Chandler: There are snow cones! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!

Monica: Y'know…go! Go! Right there! (Points)

Chandler: Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.)

(Rachel enters.)

Phoebe: (noticing her) Oh, look! Look! Look!

All: Surprise!!

Rachel: What?! What?! My birthday's not for another month!

Monica: That's the surprise!

Rachel: Oh my God! You guys this is so great! I mean it's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's birthday is even before mine!

(Everyone stops and looks at Chandler, who's nodding.)

All: Surprise!

Rachel: Wow! This is great! Look at all these cups! This is so weird.

Phoebe: I was in charge of cups.

Rachel: Oh, okay, not so weird.

[Cut to another part of the room, Ross is going to talk to Joey.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go so well.

Joey: Yeah right! (Gets up for a refill to his snow cone.)

Ross: No really, I-I am! I feel bad!

Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don't have to. Okay? It's not your fault I suck. I mean what kind of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup." (Nods his head in disgust.)

Ross: Yeah y'know what? Maybe-maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson.

Joey: What you do mean?

Ross: I think, sub-consciously…

Joey: Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me.

Ross: (pause) I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part.

Joey: Well, you're way sounds a lot better than mine. (Thinks about it.) Yeah. Yeah! It's not that I'm a bad actor…

Ross: No!

Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed.

Ross: There you go. Thank you!

Joey: Thank you! So, did-did he get it?

Ross: No.

Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do?

Ending Credits

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out the door.]

Chandler: (to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch.

Kim: Oh, she doesn't come down here any more. You can find her up on ten.

Chandler: Okay, great.

(Kim exhales and Chandler stares at it longingly.)

Kim: (to Nancy) So we talked about the (Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he wondered if one person would be enough (Closer) to get a take on the trip (Still closer) and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!" (She's interrupted by Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a drag from her cancer stick.)

Chandler: I'll catch you guys later. (Exits.)

End

The One Where Ross Can't Flirt

Written by: Doty Abrams

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion?

Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George.

Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there?

Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.

(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)

Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler!

Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.

Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.

Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting.

Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even.

Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.

(The duck starts quacking.)

Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken?

Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.

Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I'll see you later!

Chandler: Okay, bye!

(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)

Ross: What the hell was that?!

Chandler: What?

Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my sister?!

Chandler: I was not flirting.

Ross: It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)"

Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.

Ross: Yeah, right.

Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)

Ross: (backing away) I'm good.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]

Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law & Order!

Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?

Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.

Phoebe: Don't get me started on that.

(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)

Chandler: I was not flirting.

Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame!

Rachel: What's going on?

Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!

Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh!

Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.

Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl.

Ross: Well…

Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?

(Ross looks at Rachel.)

Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.

Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.

Rachel: Hm-mmm.

Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little…

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements.

Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!

Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.

Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.

Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother!

Rachel: Big night!

Phoebe: This is so cool!

Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!

Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.

Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again.

Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me.

(They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.)

Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so…

Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!

Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)

Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London…

Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)

Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't?

Chandler: The one that doesn't.

Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready.

Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?

Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home!

Phoebe: But I like it here!

Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.

Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them.

Monica: Great!

Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed.

Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her room.)

(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on…)

Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?

Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.)

Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!

Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one?

Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them?

Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.

Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!

Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings.

Phoebe: These are her earrings.

Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff!

Phoebe: Why not?

Rachel: Because I lose her stuff!

[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]

Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later.

(His grandmother asks him something.)

Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up.

Chandler: If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference?

Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing?

Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary!

Monica: It's a diaper commercial.

Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!

(There's a knock on the door.)

Caitlin: Pizza delivery!

Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)

Caitlin: Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.

Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin: What?!

Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.

Caitlin: Oh. Thanks.

Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin: Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money.

Chandler: Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.

Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)

Chandler: You're welcome.

Ross: You couldn't let me have her, could ya?!

Chandler: What?

Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!

Monica: What's goin' on?

Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!

Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.

Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine.

Ross: Really?!

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time.

Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?

Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you!

Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.

Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)

Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?

Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?

Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Ross: And thank you, for that.

Rachel: But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.

Ross: What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you.

Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me!

Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!

Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it!

Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it?

Phoebe: On your dresser.

Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have!

Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God.

Monica: What?

Joey: (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.

Chandler: (smiling) Well, what is it?

Joey: (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.

Rachel: (smiling) What?!

Ross: (smiling) Are you sure?

Phoebe: (smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up?

Joey: (smiling) Not likely.  'Cause you see that body bag right there

Rachel: (smiling) Yeah.

Joey: (smiling) I'm in it.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.]

Phoebe: (smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do?

Joey: (smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died.

Phoebe: (not smiling) That's not good.

Joey: (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all smile.)

Rachel: (smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your fault.

Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?

Grandma Tribbiani: (Something in Italian to Joey.)

Joey: Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn't him.)

Grandma Tribbiani: (pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston!

Joey: No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me.

Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One.

Chandler: Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One.

(Phoebe gets up.)

Monica: (following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to leave as soon as the show is over.

Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you!

Monica: No you didn't.

Phoebe: All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said. (Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring?

Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.)

Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.

Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?

Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?!

(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?

Phoebe: (she just looks at him) Why are you being weird?

Ross: Do you like it?

Phoebe: No, that would be, "Why are you being cute?"

Ross: Okay, I'm working on my flirting.

Phoebe: Ohh! I did not get that.

[Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]

Chandler: So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?

Monica: Yeah, it's good.

Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!

Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.

Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women.

Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women.

Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"

Monica: No way!

Chandler: It's true.

Monica: Well that's pathetic!

Chandler: Again true.

Monica: And this goes for all guys?

Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.

Joey: (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her!

Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like (checks his watch) ten minutes left!

Joey: I know, I know! What am I going to do? (Thinks) Ooh!

Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here!

Joey: (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.)

Grandma Tribbiani: Joey!

Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.

[Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.]

Rachel: (entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey!

Phoebe: Did you find it?

Rachel: The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts 'em on.)

Phoebe: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me.

Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.)

Monica: (entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the one-minute sign.)

Phoebe: (To Rachel) What are we going to do?!

Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.

Phoebe: All right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all.

Rachel: Oh gosh, she's going to kill me.

Phoebe: I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault.

Rachel: Ohh that'd be great!

Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a sec?

Monica: Yeah, what is it?

Phoebe: Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry!

Monica: (shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it you lost it.

Phoebe: I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible.

Monica: All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Look at you! Come here! (They hug.) Feel better?

Phoebe: Yeah! You're the best!

Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.)

Monica: (angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses!

Rachel: Your sunglasses?!

Monica: Yes!

Phoebe: Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.)

Caitlin: (from outside) Pizza!

Ross: (running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes. Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting.

Chandler: Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)

Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to… (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)

Ross: You'll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh, what's-what's her name?

All: Caitlin!

Grandma Tribbiani: Caitlin!

Ross: (He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.)

Caitlin: It's uh, $12.50.

Ross: Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens?

Caitlin: No actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas.

Ross: Gas? Wow! Intense.

Chandler: (To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.

Ross: (to Caitlin) Hey uh, y'know that smell gas has?

Caitlin: (wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible, horrible place) Yeah.

Ross: They put that in.

Caitlin: What?!

Ross: The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.

Caitlin: (getting more desperate to leave) Well okay!

Ross: A lot of other gas smells…

Chandler: Oh the humanity.

Ross: Meth-methane smells…

Caitlin: Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go.

Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!

Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.)

(Ross closes the door slowly.)

Ross: (To All) Was I talking to her about gas?

Chandler: More so than anything else.

Phoebe: I-I-I found it interesting.

Rachel: I'm sorry.

Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)

Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.)

Phoebe: (walking over to Ross) Ross?

Ross: Yeah?

Phoebe: What else do they add smell too?

[Scene: The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all the pizza?

Caitlin: Oh, is there a problem?

Rachel: No. No. Every thing's--they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting.

Caitlin: Oh my God! That was flirting?!

Rachel: Yeah.

Caitlin: Wow!

Rachel: I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person.

Caitlin: The guy with the gas?!

Rachel: Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you.

Caitlin: Really?!

Rachel: Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think?

Caitlin: I just, I thought Joey was there.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey's grandmother are still watching Law & Order.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.

Ross: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. (Hands him the slip of paper with the phone number on it.)

Ross: And she just gave you this?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors.

Rachel: I-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute.

Ross: Well that I can believe.

Rachel: Yay!

Joey: (entering) Hey! Is the show still on?

Chandler: Almost over man.

Joey: (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.)

Chandler: Why am I looking?

Joey: Oh, here I am, here's my big scene!

(Joey has made a little home movie that's his big scene. He braces himself against the door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater says…)

Joey: (on the tape) All right back off! I gotta gun! I'm not afraid to use it!

Grandma Tribbiani: Oh Joey!

Joey: That's right!

Chandler: You couldn't have at least changed your shirt.

Joey: (on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I don't get it…(the duck quacks louder) Choo!! And if I don't get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I'm gonna shoot this duck!

Phoebe: Oh no!

Joey: (on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy this?!

Grandma Tribbiani: Joey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.)

(Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really, really close to the camera.)

Chandler: (singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown…engines…on!

(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)

Joey: (to his grandmother) That's uh, scenes from next week's show. Next week's!

Phoebe: I am definitely gonna watch that!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.]

Monica: What about these? These look the same?

Phoebe: Definitely!

Monica: Not as each other!

Phoebe: Oh, then no.

(Goes over to Chandler.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Chandler: You ready?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Monica: Ohh, you're about to get a little luckier.

Chandler: Let me see the earrings.

Monica: Oh, honey, the earrings…

Chandler: (looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?

Monica: My boyfriend really does have good taste!

(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man.

Ross: Hm-mmm.

End

The One With The Ride Along

Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Seth Kurland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, and Monica are sitting on the couch as Ross is up getting some coffee.]

Monica: Okay, guys, listen, don't forget that tomorrow is the day that Emily gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep Ross's mind off of it.

Joey: Oh, yeah, good idea.

(Ross returns.)

Chandler: Hey man, what's up?

Ross: (sits down at the table) Oh, eh, just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow. (Joey panics.)

Joey: Ooh, Ross, look! Look! (Points behind Ross.)

Ross: (turning and looking) What? Where?

Joey: Right over there! Right there! Look-look-look!

Ross: What am I looking at?

Joey: (to the rest of the gang) Somebody help me out here!

Phoebe: (entering, with Gary) Hey!

Gary: Hello!

Monica: Hey!

Gary: How are you?

Phoebe: Monica, I'm sorry I didn't come by last night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes.

Joey: You got to go on a ride along?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Joey: I want to go on a ride along!

Ross: Me too!

Gary: Okay!

Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too!

Gary: Really?! You?

Chandler: Yeah.

Gary: Well, it's kinda dangerous.

Chandler: Well, I like danger.

Gary: Okay, you guys free tonight?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!!

Chandler: Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is kneeling at the coffee table and has a bunch of pictures laid out in front of her as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I thought tonight we could finally organize these photos!

Rachel: Ohh, thank God! Finally!

Monica: Okay, I've broken them down into categories. Okay, we have uh, we got holidays, birthdays, candids, y'know… And then what I've done is I've cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? (Hands her the photo.)

Rachel: Ohh, it's me and La Poo! Wow! I miss that dog.

Monica: You can also find him under umm, dog and dead.

Rachel: Great! Thanks!

Monica: All right, hand me that other box of photos; that's the very last one.

Rachel: Okay.

(She picks up the box and the bottom falls out, spilling all of the pictures onto Monica's neat little piles.)

Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you number all of them, huh?

Monica: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype.

Rachel: Ohhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it's okay, it's okay honey. I'm gonna fix you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita?

Ross: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything's just falling apart!

Rachel: No honey, it's okay! Listen, I'll got to Ross's and get the blender, you get all the margarita stuff ready.

Monica: All right, he's keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need some cash.

Rachel: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM?

Monica: Nah, while you're at Ross's if you see any lying around…

Rachel: What?!

Monica: What?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that!

(Rachel slowly leaves the apartment.)

[Scene: Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back seat.]

Ross: (to Gary) That was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy.

Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there.

Ross: (to Gary) He told you everything! I mean you totally cracked him!

Gary: Yeah well, being that he was the victim, they're usually pretty talkative.

Chandler: (laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime.

(Gary reaches up to grab that little light that cops have for unmarked cop cars.)

Ross: Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry for ya?

Gary: It's called the cherry.

Ross: It's the—Chandler!!

(Chandler starts laughing at his joke.)

Joey: (returning from a deli) Okay, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich in the world!

Gary: Hey Joe does it have meatballs on it?

Joey: Oh-ho, yeah!

Gary: Does it have melted cheese and marinara sauce?

Joey: Yep!

Gary: Yeah, you can't eat that in my car.

Joey: (dejected) Yeah okay. (To Chandler) Even though my tax dollars paid for this car.

Chandler: Your tax dollars?

Joey: Yeah, okay.

[Time lapse, they're still on the ride along and Joey is just sniffing his sandwich.]

Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good.

Joey: Did I say you could smell it?!

Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?

Joey: Half the taste is in the smell! You-you're sucking up all the tastiness!

Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?

Joey: Okay, imagine the best sex you've ever had.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Are you thinking about Monica?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah, what's that like?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is just entering. She takes off her coat and heads for the kitchen. As she does, she knocks something off of a bookcase next to the kitchen door with her coat and it breaks.]

Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)

Monica: (on the answering machine) Rach! It's me! Pick up!

(Rachel runs over and answers the phone with the blender in hand.)

Rachel: Hey! What's up?!

Monica: I need a few more things to make the margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt, some margarita mix, and tequila.

Rachel: So all we have is ice?

Monica: See if he has ice.

Rachel: Okay.

(She hangs up the phone and starts to head back to the kitchen and notices some money lying out, stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings causing her to drop it, she quickly puts it back, and heads for the kitchen.)

Emily: (on answering machine) Hello Ross? It's Emily. (Rachel runs back into the room with the tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and I'm wondering if-if we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Rachel: Oh. Oh! (Takes a slug of tequila.)

[Scene: The ride along.]

Ross: So where are we going next?

Gary: This witness won't return my calls so we're gonna see if we can surprise him coming home.

Chandler: Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we?

Joey: Come on man! (To Gary) Listen so uh, are you gonna squeeze the perps shoes a little bit before he lawyers up?

Gary: It's a witness not a perp. And no one talks like that!

Ross: Yeah, no one talks like that!

Joey: Oh what? Like your Mr. Cop!

Ross: Hey, I'm more cop than you two!

Chandler: How do you figure that?

Ross: Hello! I'm in the front seat, okay? I'm Gary's partner!

Chandler: Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay.

Ross: Umm, jealous! (He drops the cherry and it turns on.)

Gary: Hey, do you mind? We're under cover here.

Ross: Yeah, no problem. (Tries to turn it off.)

Gary: Ross!

Ross: Sorry! Sorry! Oh, (He sticks it under his shirt) there! (It's just there flashing through his shirt) Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home!

(Gary just glares at him.)

[Time lapse, Ross has been demoted to the back seat with Joey and Chandler. He's not too happy about it.]

Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.

Joey: Yeah, what's up with that Serpico?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is playing Emily's message to Monica.]

Emily: (on answering machine) Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Monica: (does Rachel's) Nooo!

Rachel: (does Monica's) I know!

Monica: Well thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that!

Rachel: What?! We can't do that!

Monica: We have too! I mean what if Ross's hears that and then calls her back and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you?

Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her. I know that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesn’t give us the right to erase his message!

Monica: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesn’t that give me the right to control him—help him?

Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help.

(They both sit down.)

Monica: No, look, she's obviously unstable, okay? I mean she's thinking about running out on her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and glares at her.) (Realizing what she just said.) Okay, fine! But I mean, look at the position she's putting him in! What's he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! (Rachel again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Okay, fine, all right, but that's y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people.

Rachel: Ugh!

Monica: Y'know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she's trying to play on him.

Rachel: Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded generally upset! I mean, listen! (She hits a button on the machine.)

Answering Machine: Your messages have been erased.

Rachel: Noooooooo!

[Scene: The ride along, they're all waiting outside of the witness's house and still in the car in the same places as before.]

Chandler: Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!

Gary: No. But that reminds me, (handing back a clipboard) sign this.

Ross: What is it?

Gary: Oh it's nothing, it just says that you can't sue the city if you scrap your knee or y'know, get your head blown off.

Chandler: (deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.

Gary: Okay, here he comes. What is he doing? What the hell is he doing?!

Ross: What? What? What? What is it?

Joey: Is everything okay?

Chandler: What's going on?

Gary: Okay, he sees us. Now don't move. Don't look at him.

(They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey slowly throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at what he sees while Chandler is obviously hurt.)

Gary: Hey, it's okay. It was just a car backfire. (Joey slowly moves off of Ross.) Hey, look at that! You tried to save your buddy. You see that? You see what he did?

Joey: (To Ross) You okay man?

Ross: Uh-huh. Thank Joey!

Chandler: Uh, HELLO!!

Joey: Hi.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Monica has all the supplies she needs and is getting ready to leave.]

Monica: All right, I guess we should go.

Rachel: No, wait. Wait.

Monica: Oh yeah right! (She grabs the money and shoves into her pocket.)

Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this!

Monica: There's nothing we can do. You erased the message!

Rachel: Yeah well unless we tell him.

Monica: Well, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don't want to be a part of it.

(The phone rings.)

Rachel: Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message.

Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.)

Monica: Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away!

Rachel: Right?

[Scene: Central Perk, the guys are returning from the ride along to find Phoebe already there.]

Gary: Hey, anybody want to meet a hero?

Phoebe: (excited) John Glenn is here?!

Gary: No, Joey!

Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night! Okay, so, we're in the car…

Gary: Wait! Hold on! (He goes over to Phoebe and gives her a kiss.) (To Phoebe) Hi!

Phoebe: Hi!

Gary: (To Ross) Okay, go ahead.

Ross: Okay, okay, so we're in the car. Right? And bang! A shot was fired. And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me!

Phoebe: My God, Joey!

Chandler: (pouting) It was a car backfire!

Ross: Yeah, but-but he didn't know that!

Joey: Yeah, I didn't know that.

Ross: And it could've just as easily have been a bullet.

Gary: Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you.

Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises!

Ross: Wow! I could've died tonight.

Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.)

Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life.

Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)

Gary: (To Phoebe) So you wanna get some dinner?

Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! (Gets up) Oh, y'know what? If I heard a shot right now, I'd throw my body on you.

Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk through a bad neighborhood.

Phoebe: Okay!

Gary: All right.

Phoebe: Bye!

Ross and Joey: Bye!

(They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.)

Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is pacing as Joey enters.]

Joey: Dude! How come you took off?

Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever…

Joey: Is something wrong?

Chandler: No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!

Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross!

Chandler: I do not hate Ross!

Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture.

Chandler: What picture?

Joey: I don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing!

Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!

Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I…knew…you could take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he need help. He's not street like us!

Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line.

Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich.

Chandler: From a bullet!

Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense…

Chandler: Much sense?!

Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it!

Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich!

Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is (Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world!

Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me.

Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother!

Chandler: Really?!

Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds it out for Chandler) here.

Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)

Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog!

(Chandler takes a bite.)

Joey: How good is that?

Chandler: (with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!

Joey: See?

Chandler: Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!

Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.

Joey: Yeah. With a bite! (Takes back the sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.]

Rachel: Hey! Hi!

Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here?

Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister!

Ross: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're here. You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.)

Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What's going on Ross?

Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience!

Rachel: What?! What? What happened?!

Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: And somebody took a shot at me!

Rachel: (gasps) Really?!

Ross: No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I…I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know? I-I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now.

Rachel: Because a car backfired?

Ross: (stares at her briefly) Okay, why are you here?

Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called you today.

Ross: You talked to her?

Rachel: No, she left a message. (He starts for the machine.) (Stopping him.) But it-it kinda got erased. There's just (Pause) something wrong with your machine.

Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say?

Rachel: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her.

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right?

Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course!

Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you! Because—I'm sorry, all right. Because y'know what? She didn't want me—not important. The point is, I was right. Your decision. Okay? I was right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) Your decision.

Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.

Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right, no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that?

Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean something!

Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience!

Ross: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that I-I'm supposed to seize! Y'know?

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff.

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped (Pause) (Not believing it) death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily?

Ross: That does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity, but I-I really don't wanna see or talk to her.

Rachel: Well, there you go!

Ross: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day.

Rachel: (laughing) Close call day.

Ross: Hey, thanks Rach. (They hug.)

Rachel: Ohh, honey no problem. Okay. (Gets up.)

Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it.

Rachel: Oh?

(Ross hits the playback button.)

Ross: (on machine) "Hey Ross, it's you!" (Hits the stop button) Oh yeah, no that's-that's an old message, nobody needs to hear that.

Rachel: No. (She heads for the door again.)

Ross: (looking at the coffee table where his money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah, I want my money back.

Rachel: (going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right?

(Ross is stunned.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Ross: Hey Pheebs, has Gary ever been shot at for real?

Phoebe: Yes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it to himself. It's not really a good story.

Ross: I wonder how I would react under fire, y'know? And not backfire but-but heavy fire, like I was in a war or something.

Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I mean, I really, I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean I know I would make General way before any of you guys.

Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.

Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.

Joey: Yeah, hero sandwiches. (Points at Ross who points back.)

Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war in any way. (Gets up) But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.

(Joey gets all happy with himself, while the rest of the gang is less than enthused.)

End

The One With The Ball

Teleplay by: Greg Malins

Story by: Scott Silveri

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there.]

Gary: (To Phoebe) Would you like some more coffee, baby-doll?

Phoebe: I'm fine, thanks.

Chandler: (To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull of baby-doll can I?

Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get some tea.

Chandler: Okay.

(Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.)

Chandler: Hiya doin' pumpkin?

Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.)

[Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.]

Monica: So it looks like it's going really well for you two, huh?

Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I'm gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me.

Monica: (shocked) Oh my God!

Gary: What do you, what do you think?

Monica: I think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her?

Gary: Tonight, but don't say anything. Okay?

Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I'm so excited! {And I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just couldn't resist it.} All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because y'know, she cries when they die, and there's the whole funeral…

Gary: (To Phoebe) I'll see you after work sweetie. (Kisses her.)

Phoebe: Okay. Bye!

(Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.)

Phoebe: So, what movie should we see?

Monica: (sitting down) Gary's gonna ask you to move in with him!!

Phoebe: What?! Really?!

Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I couldn't hold it in any longer!

Phoebe: I can't believe this!

Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast!

Monica: Relax! It's Phoebe! Not you!

Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)

Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn't it?

Monica: Ohhhh!

Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm ready for this!

Chandler: So, what are you gonna do?

Phoebe: I don't know. I'll just handle it—I'll ask you to talk to him!

Chandler: Me?! Why me?

Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a…man!

Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.

Monica: That is so sweet! (She kisses him and turns to add some sugar to her tea.)

Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe.]

Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island?

Ross: Uh-huh, that's why they call it Staten Island.

Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island.

Ross: (he catches the ball and pauses, staring at Joey in disbelief) Also an island.

(The game resumes.)

Joey: Hey, what time is it?

Ross: (looks at his watch) 2:17.

Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?

Ross: Are you serious?!

Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.

Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!

Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!

Rachel: (entering) Hey, you guys…

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Is Monica here?

Joey and Ross: No.

Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl.

Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy!

Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay! (She goes and gets her surprise and when she returns with it, Ross stares in shock.) Check it out!

(Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.)

Ross: What-what is it?!

Joey: What the hell is that?!!

Rachel: It's a, it's a cat!

Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with Joey on this one.}

Rachel: Yes it is!

Ross: Why is it inside out?!

Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat!

Ross: How much did you pay for that?

Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal.

Ross: Yeah? How much?

Rachel: A thousand bucks.

Ross: ON A CAT??!!!!

Joey: It's not a cat!

Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it!

Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won't die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it's life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.}

Joey: It's not a cat!

Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! Okay? I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!

(Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.)

Ross: (To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? Huh?

Joey: Uhh, the ball thing.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?!

Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let's do it!

Joey: Okay!

(They throw the ball back and forth once.)

Joey: (catches the ball) Uh-oh.

Ross: What?

Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel's in the bathroom!

[Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]

Joey: Man, I didn't think we were gonna make it!

Ross: I know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.) Don't switch hands, okay?

[Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he's walking through the door he notices a couple of "Ladies of the night" sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)]

Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.)

Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here?

Chandler: Gary, I'm here to report a crime.

Gary: Yeah?

Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don't spend more time together.

Gary: (laughs, then suddenly serious) What's up?

Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me.

Gary: Sure. Okay.

Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y'know, live-living together!

Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it would make me happy.

Chandler: You mean scared.

Gary: No, I mean happy.

Chandler: Scared? Happy?

Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing?

Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there!

Gary: I know! I can't wait!

Chandler: Were you're parents happy, or something?

Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I just—I wanna be around her as much as I can.

Chandler: Wow, y'know when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary.

Gary: So you know what I'm talking about, right?

Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica!

Gary: No, it's too soon for you guys.

Chandler: (pause) Yeah, you're right about that.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are still playing catch.]

Ross: …now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!

{Y'know, sometimes I think the script writers throw in a line like that to try to trip me up. But it won't work. I'll always have the last laugh! <manical_laugh.wav> Okay, so maybe I'm a little deluded, it's probably just my spellchecker. But, I must admit I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo…}

Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.

{Oh, all right!  Geez, I can't have any fun!}

Monica: (entering) Hey guys!

Joey: Hi!

Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last night. (Goes to the counter) It was right here, where is it?

Joey: I don't know.

Monica: All right, come on, I'm-I'm late for work!

Ross: How do you know? You don't have a watch.

Monica: Guys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and just help me find it!

Joey: Oh, I don't know…. Yeah, can't do it.

(He throws it back to Ross, but it's intercepted by Monica and the guys both scream in horror.)

Monica: What?!

Ross: Monica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball!

Joey: Yeah, we haven't dropped it in… (Looks to Ross.)

Ross: 2 hours, 27 minutes.

Monica: Really?!

[Time lapse, Monica has joined in and is calling to get out of work.]

Monica: (on phone, faking she's sick) I-I'm not gonna be able to make it into work today, I don't feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and Monica has to catch it way over her head.) (Not sounding sick) Yes!! (Realizes what she just did.) (Sounding sick again) Wow! Uh, for a second there I thought I was really better, but I'm not. (Hangs up and keeps throwing the ball.)

(Rachel enters.)

Ross: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without droppin' it!

Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that's quite a waste of time.

Monica: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Monica: You have scratches all over you, what happened? (Rachel's arms are covered with scratches.)

Rachel: Well, it's my cat.

Monica: (shocked) What?!

Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat.

Monica: I don't want a cat!

Joey: Oh, don't worry, it's not a cat.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You guys this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet, it's not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know it's saying, "Rachel!"

Ross: Doesn't sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat.

Monica: (To Rachel) What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300!!

Rachel: Well, I was gonna let you play with it.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing?

Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it.

Phoebe: What?!

Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.

Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! The one thing! And you can't even do that right! God!

Chandler: I’m sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I'd move in with him.

Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good for nothing.

Gary: Hey Chandler.

Chandler: Hey Gar!

Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. (They move to the couch.)

Gary: You look very pretty today.

Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. (They sit down.)

Gary: Here's the thing.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: Y'know I really want to move this relationship forward.

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Gary: Because if you're not moving forward, y'know you're just moving backwards.

Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.)

Gary: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: I want you to move in with me.

Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don't you think it's a little too soon? I mean there's so much we don't know about each other.

Gary: (disappointed) Oh. Oh-oh-okay, I get it.

Phoebe: I just—I don't want us to jump into something we're not ready for.

Gary: (disappointed more) Uh-huh.

Phoebe: I really don't want to mess up what we have. I'm just—I'm worried it's gonna be a big mistake.

Gary: (on the verge of tears) Yeah.

Phoebe: Which is why my answer is yes!

Gary: (suddenly happy) Really?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh! (They hug.) I'm so…happy. (She's not happy.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross.]

Ross: (catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We're on the same team!

Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours?

Joey: That's right baby.

Chandler: All right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the game.)

Monica: (jumping in front of him) No-no! Don't do it! Don't!

Chandler: What?

Monica: He's a dropper!

Joey: Oh yeah, that's right!

Chandler: I'm not a dropper!

Ross: It's really a uh-uh three person game, y'know?

Chandler: It's throwing and catching!

Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.)

Chandler: Oh! Oh! That's so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.)

(Rachel enters with the "cat" and the chick and the duck start to get riled up.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it's not a cat!

Monica: Oh my—Oh good God!

Rachel: (she's wearing an oven mitt to protect her hand) I give up you guys, I don't know what I'm going to do with this thing!

Ross: Baking it didn't help, huh?

Monica: So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it?

Rachel: I tried! They won't take her back.

Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ.

Monica: Rach, why won't they take it back?

Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats?

Monica: Look, if you want you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it.

Rachel: No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! (Storms out.)

(Monica sneezes.)

Monica: Oh my God, the cat's made my eyes water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My vision's been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay. It's okay. Man, that was close.

Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something.

Phoebe and Gary: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Gary: We have great news!

Phoebe: We're moving in together! Isn't it great! Yay!

All: Congratulations! Congrats!

Phoebe: I know, I'm so excited!

Gary: So am I!

Phoebe: Well, you're not more excited than I am! No way! I'm the most excited!

Gary: Okay, I'll see you at the station later.

Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in!

Gary: All right.

(Phoebe closes the door behind him.)

Monica: So you're moving in with him. What happened?

Phoebe: I couldn't tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it'll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I'll save on stamps.

Monica: Why, do you write him a lot?

Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don't they?

All: Yeah! That's right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah!

(Rachel enters with the cat, wearing the oven mitt, and startles Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out.

[Scene: Gary's precinct, Phoebe is entering.]

Gary: Hey, honey! Okay, so did you find any apartments? Anything in Brooklyn Heights?

Phoebe: No, nothing.

Gary: Oh really?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Gary: Nothing at all?

Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we'll move right in. Unless it doesn't have a pool, I need a pool. (Turns away from him.)

Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

(He takes her into one of those typical interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the movies. Which is really appropriate here, since this is a TV show. What are the odds of that?)

Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.)

Phoebe: (sits down) Yeah, I feel great. 'Cause we're moving in together.

Gary: So you uh, you checked the paper for listings in Brooklyn Heights, right? You-you checked the Post?

Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing. (Pause) Can I get some water?

Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today's Post?

Phoebe: Umm, yeah! Today's.

Gary: 'Cause uh, this is today's Post (produces one from the other chair) and uh, these are the listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, one bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights!

Phoebe: (looks at the paper) Are these for rent! I thought people were just bragging!

Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be going on. (Phoebe looks down in shame.) No-no-no, don't look at the table. Look at me. (Points to his eyes and she does so) Okay, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said, "Yes" but now she's having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone. Does that sound at all possible to you?

Phoebe: Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You want me to say it? I have doubts! (Pause) I'm sorry! (Puts her head down.)

Gary: Phoebe…

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: Phoebe, it's okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and I just figure that everything I really like. And the things I don't know, I get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox.

Phoebe: That's so sweet.

Gary: Sweethart, but none of that matters if it's too soon for you. It's fine! We don't have to move in together. I just—I want you to be happy

Phoebe: Living with you would make me happy.

Gary: Phoebe, you don't have to say that.

Phoebe: No, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you!

Gary: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.)

Gary: Oh that's great!

Phoebe: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. (Goes to the mirror) Hey you! Behind the glass! Who are you looking at! I've always wanted to say that when I was in one of these rooms, (sees the look on his face) which was never!

[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is trying to sell the cat.]

Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! (A woman approaches.)

Woman No. 1: (looks into the box) Oh my God! What's wrong with your baby?!

Rachel: It's not a baby! It's a cat!

Woman No. 1: Eew! It's creepy looking!

Rachel: Oh no! No! It's actually—it's very sweet. It's very sweet. Look! (Goes to pet it and it hisses at her.) Yeah, do you want it?

Woman No. 1: (laughs) No, I hate cats.

Rachel: Well, so then what are you doing to me? Okay? Just get out of here! All right? Move on!

(Another woman approaches.)

Woman No. 2: Wow! What an unusual cat!

Rachel: Yes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it?

Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter (Good for her) but… Okay, why not?

Rachel: Oh, terrific! That'll be $2,000.

Woman No. 2: What?!

Rachel: Okay, a thousand.

Woman No. 2: I thought you wanted to adopt your cat.

Rachel: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat.

Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. (Starts to leave.)

Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you know how to haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on. Okay? So $800 and I don't call the cops because you're robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take cat, leave the money, and run away! Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled) Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can't you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, Monica, and now Chandler are still playing catch. The guys are exhausted and sitting around the room. Monica is still standing all pumped up and being hyper-competitive yet again. {Okay! We get it! She's competitive!! Must we see all the time?!}]

Ross: I'm starving!

Monica: Come on guys! Suck it up! We're closing in on ten hours! It's gut-check time!

Joey: I don't know who made you the boss? All right? We (Ross and him) invented this game!

Monica: Please! I made this game what it is.

Chandler: Not fun anymore?

Ross: I'm still hungry!

Monica: All right, there's some pizza at my place, we can all eat with one hand right? Are you with me?

Ross: I am!

Monica: All right! Let's go! (Runs to the door.) Let's go Team Monica! (The guys all stop and stare at her) All right, we can work out the name later.

[Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at the table.]

Monica: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls!

Rachel: It's not! I'm defrosting a chicken. (Pause) Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson.

Ross: Oh, thank God!

Joey: Did you get your money back?

Rachel: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars.

Monica: Wow! You made a profit!

Gunther: (entering with the cat) I just came for the red-velvet pillow.

Rachel: Oh yeah, there you go. (Hands over the pillow.)

Gunther: Thanks Rachel. And-and don't forget you-you can come visit her anytime you want.

Rachel: Oh good, great! I'll-I'll keep that in mind. (Turns and walks away.)

Gunther: (To Ross) Hey! So what is this? Some kind of snake or something?

[Scene: Gary and Phoebe's apartment, it's morning and they're both waking up in bed.]

Gary: I really like waking up with you.

Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It's such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all day.

Gary: That would be great!

Phoebe: We could have breakfast in bed…

Gary: Wait, just a second.

Phoebe: Okay. (He grabs his gun and shoots the bird.) Oh! Oh no.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Hyper-competitive Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while the rest of them are totally exhausted and virtually asleep.]

Monica: All right! Come on Monica! Look alive! Come on, look alive!

Phoebe: (entering) Oh good, you're all up.

Rachel: Phoebe! It's 6 o'clock in the morning! Why aren't you at Gary's?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, that's over.

All: What?!

Chandler: Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!

Phoebe: He shot a bird!

Chandler: Oh that is over!

All: That's terrible! I'm sorry!

Rachel: Phoebe, are you okay?

Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I'll be alright.

Joey: Oh hey, here Pheebs. (He throws her the ball.)

Phoebe: (catches it) Nah, I don't feel like playing. (She sets the ball down on the table and everyone gasps.)

Monica: It's okay. It's okay. Just pretend that it didn't happen! Okay? No one needs to know! I mean, Phoebe's not an official ballplayer! I mean, only official ballplayers can drop the ball!

All: All right. Okay. I'm starving! (They all get up, thus officially ending the game.)

Rachel: Phoebe, honey, wanna get some breakfast?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Okay! Okay, let's race! First one there wins! Ha-ha! (Runs out the door and everyone watches her leave.)

(Pause)

Chandler: You guys wanna eat here?

All: Yeah! As long as we're here!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: Man that was great! Huh? Can you believe how long we threw that ball around?

Rachel: Yeah, it is amazing it lasted that long.

Ross: I know. My arm is killing me.

Rachel: No, I meant with the dropper over here. (Points at Chandler.)

Chandler: Y'know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I'm not going to describe them, you'll have to see them.)

End

The One With Joey's Big Break

Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun

Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe are there reading. Rachel is sitting on the couch flanked by Ross and Monica. She suddenly stops reading and starts blinking her left eye as if it's bothering her. The problem is that Joey is on her left and thinks she's winking at him and winks back. Ross is watching this and isn't quite sure of what to make of it.]

Ross: What's going on?

Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy.

(Ross turns to look at Joey.)

Joey: Uhhh, mine too! Yeah.

Monica: (To Rachel) Wow! It's really red! You should go see my eye doctor.

Rachel: Richard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend!

Chandler: Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard!

Monica: Since we've been going out, I think I've mentioned his name twice!

Chandler: Okay, so Richard, Richard!

Monica: It's not Richard! Okay? It's this new guy and he's really good.

Rachel: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye doctor!

Ross: Oh God, here we go!

Chandler: What?

Ross: Anytime anything comes close to touching her eye or anyone else's she like freaks out. Watch! Watch! (He takes his finger and moves it towards his eye.)

Rachel: (flinches) Ross! Come on! That's all right! Fine--Okay, I have a weird thing about my eye. Can we not talk about it please?

All: All right, fine.

Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? (And on the "I" part she mimics poking her eye.)

Rachel: (flinches again) Monica! Come on!

Ross: Hey, does anybody want to get some lunch? All those in favor say I? (Pokes his eye)

Rachel: (freaks) Ross! Stop it! Come on!

Chandler: How much did I love The King and I? (Oh, you get the point by now.)

Rachel: Chandler!

Joey: Me too! Me too! Me too! (Yeah, he does the same thing.)

Rachel: Just stop it! Come on!

(Joey howls in pain and holds his eye.)

Chandler: You okay there man?

Joey: Yeah, I got too excited!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Ross: All right, I gotta go. I'm taking Ben to the park.

Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me!

Ross: All right, bye!

Monica: Bye!

Phoebe: Bye!

Ross: Later! (Exits.)

Phoebe: (after he's gone) I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. I didn't mean to be so out there. I am furious with him!

Chandler: Wow umm, calm down.

Phoebe: I'm trying, but man that guy can push my buttons!

Monica: Why are so mad at him?

Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?

Monica: Well, it just seems that…

Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seem my list by the way?

Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?

Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it.

Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!!

Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!

Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, I meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she disappears… But I find out where she lives and when I get there this like old lady answers the door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she says, "Betsy's been dead for 10 years."

Phoebe: Ohh-oh, chilling!

Joey: And the best part is, we're filming in the desert outside Vegas! (To Chandler) And you know what that means buddy!

Chandler: Yeah, I know that means buddy!

Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday!

Phoebe: Oh wait, my grandmother's dead.

Chandler: Well, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs.

Phoebe: No! No, her cab! She probably won't be using it; you can drive it to Las Vegas.

Joey: All right! Thanks Pheebs!

Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job?

Joey: Oh umm, not go.

Chandler: All right, great, road trip baby! (To Monica) This okay with you?

Monica: Chandler! You don't have to ask for my permission. (Quietly) You can go.

Chandler: Thank you.

Monica: Hey Rach, come on! We're gonna be late for the eye doctor appointment!

Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through the mess. {Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to reschedule!

Monica: No. If you thought this mess is going to bother me, you are wrong! All right, let's go Blinky! (She ushers Rachel out the door, but before the door fully closes she sticks her head back in.) Chandler!!!! (Chandler agrees to clean up the mess.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Oh hey Joey! What's up?

Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot right?

Phoebe: Yeah, I've been around.

Joey: Okay, so-so which route should I take the northern route or the southern route?

Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.}

Joey: Great! Problem solved!

Phoebe: But on the southern route there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.

Joey: Well, back to square one.

Phoebe: Oh, I know a way that you can decide! All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can.

Joey: (quickly) Yes!

Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites?

Joey: Peanut butter!

Phoebe: Which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer?

Joey: A swimmer!

Phoebe: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?

Joey: Monica. Oh… huh, I always thought it would be Rachel.

Phoebe: No thinking! No thinking! Tie or ascot?

Joey: Ascot!

Phoebe: North route or south route?

Joey: North route!

Phoebe: Bamn! There you go! Huh?

Joey: Wow! That was incredible! Beard of bees, here I come!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Oh, this guy again. (She ignores him.)

Joey: Hey man, what's up?

Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a movie tonight?

Joey: Sure, what do you want to see?

Ross: I don't know, umm…

Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game!

Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. (She gets up and moves to the couch. They were at a table previously.)

Ross: What's with her?

Joey: I don't know. But hey, I know we can decide. Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions and you answer real quick. Okay?

Ross: Okay.

Joey: What do you like better action or comedy?

Ross: Action.

Joey: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?

(Ross pauses and looks at him, Joey motions for him to hurry up.)

Ross: Dude, you are sick.

Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

[Scene: Monica's eye doctor's office, Monica and Rachel are waiting in an exam room and looking at this big white thing used to check eyes. I have no idea what it is, and if an ophthalmologist happens to know what that is, let me know.]

Rachel: Oh my God! What does that thing do?

Monica: (looks at it more closely) Oh that's an eye removal machine.

Rachel: All right, I'm outta here!

Monica: I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

(Rachel heads for the door but is intercepted by the doctor.)

The Doctor: Hi Rachel!

Rachel: Hey!

The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's gonna be just fine.

Rachel: So were done then!

Dr. Miller: Almost! But first, we gotta start.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test.

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Dr. Miller: Sit down.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Miller: But your chin here. (She does so.) Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye.

Rachel: (jerks back from the tester) What?!

Monica: A small puff of air, now come on!

Dr. Miller: Here we go.

Rachel: All right.

Dr. Miller: 1…2…3! (Rachel jerks back on 3.)

Rachel: I'm sorry. All right, I'll just stay in here this time. (Puts her head back.) Okay.

Dr. Miller: Ready?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Dr. Miller: 1…2… (She flinches on 2 this time.)

Monica: Y'know what, I'm gonna hold her head.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Miller: That's okay.

Monica: Okay. (Monica backs off.)

Rachel: Okay. Okay!

Dr. Miller: 1…2! (She flinches again.) (Gives up.) Y'know what? You're young; you probably don't have glaucoma.

Rachel: (really excited) Great!! It was very, very nice to meet you sir--Ow! Hey! What are you doing?! Are you crazy! (He took out that thing they use to look at people's retinas and looked at Rachel's when she was shaking his hand causing her to flinch and scream at him.)

Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new.

Rachel: Yeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my eye.

Dr. Miller: Okay then, I guess we'll see you back here in three months.

Rachel: Great!

Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye.

Rachel: Okay, just give me the damn drops! (Grabs them and storms out.)

Monica: Dr. Miller? (She covers her right eye and reads from the chart) P E C F D.

Dr. Miller: Very good Monica! You know where they are.

Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And you don't get one!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica, and Joey are there.]

Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better.

Monica: They're still in my coat.

Rachel: Damn!

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey! You ready to go?

Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.)

(Monica stares at him.)

Chandler: What?

Monica: I love you.

{There's another continuity error here. Before Monica says I love you, Chandler's holding the vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could see all three, and they were folding nicely. After she says the line and the camera cuts back to Chandler, you can only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey, you notice things while spending this much time on this!}

Joey: Man, I wish Ross was coming with us! Y'know? I'm gonna miss him!

Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind!

Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?

Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room.

Chandler: I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?

Joey: Oh yeah! For every dollar Shutter Speed makes, one penny of it goes right in Joey's pocket.

Chandler: So you don't get paid unless the movie makes money?

Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie? "She's been dead for ten years." I'm gonna be a millionaire!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: I just wanna say good-bye to you guys and to see if you guys will place a little bet for me, huh? Twenty bucks on black 15.

Joey: You got it!

Ross: All right!

(Joey nods to Chandler, no way!)

Chandler: All right, bye-bye now!

Phoebe: Bye!

Rachel: Bye you guys!

Joey: Bye-bye!

Monica: I wanna say good-bye at the car!

Chandler: Okay!

Joey: Anybody want to say good-bye to me at the car?

Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the car if you don't mind the puss.

(Pause.)

Joey: See ya! (Walks out.)

Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! (Runs after him.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine away from her.)

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.

Ross: Phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or something? 'Cause if are please, tell me what it is I did!

Phoebe: Well, if you don't know I can't help you.

Ross: Well, I don't know.

Phoebe: Well, I can't help you.

Ross: Well, whatever it is I'm-I'm very, very sorry. Okay?

Phoebe: Apology accepted.

Ross: Okay. So we're, we're good?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Ross: All right. (Gets up.) I'll uh, I'll see you later, okay?

Phoebe: (quietly) Bye, fat ass.

Ross: ALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will you please tell me what it is I did that mad you so mad at me!

Phoebe: I don't know! I don't remember!

Ross: Well if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this?

Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney.

(Ross isn't sure what to do with that comment.)

[Scene: Phoebe's cab, Joey and Chandler are headed across the George Washington bridge on their way to Las Vegas. Joey is driving.]

Joey: Man, I'm getting pretty tired. You're might have to take over soon.

Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once.

Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn honks and Joey quickly looks at the road.) I think I just need lunch.

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: You wanna eat? (Pulls out the twenty) My treat!

Chandler: Isn't that Ross's money?

Joey: Yeah. Okay. Ross's treat! Where do you wanna eat?

Chandler: I don't know.

Joey: Ooh, hey, I know how we can decide! All right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. Okay? So uh, clear your mind Clear it right out! Clear it out! Clear!

Chandler: Okay!

Joey: Okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry?

Chandler: Too dry.

Joey: Do you believe in ghosts, yes or no?

Chandler: No!

Joey: Is this movie gonna be my big break?

Chandler: No!

Joey: (shocked) What?!

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: Dude you said, "No!"

Chandler: I also said, "Yes!"

Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me?

Chandler: No! (Realizes) Ahhh!!!

Joey: I don't believe this!

Chandler: Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high.

Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie!

Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!

Joey: Y'know what? I don't need this! Okay? I don't know why you're dumping all over my big break.

Chandler: Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break.

Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone.

Chandler: Oh, you don't want me on the trip?

Joey: Not if you're gonna be like this!

Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie.

Joey: Yeah! I don't want you on the trip!

Chandler: All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now!

Joey: Fine! (He slams on the brakes, stopping the car on the bridge to the sound of numerous car horns.) Get out!

Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.

Joey: Get out!!

Chandler: All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there. Ross is trying to figure out why Phoebe's mad at him.]

Ross: Okay, are you mad at me because my hair gel smells?

Phoebe: No.

Ross: Are you angry at me because I said your handwriting is childlike?

Phoebe: No that made me feel precious.

Monica: Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's grammar? Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who!

Ross: Yeah? Sometimes it's… (Does the fist thing.)

Rachel: Oh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose.

Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.)

Rachel: Eh! Stop it!

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Chandler! What are you doing here?

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Joey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge!

All: Why?!

Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast.

Phoebe: That game should not be played without my supervision.

Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.

Phoebe: What's in the bag?

Chandler: Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with one leg?

Phoebe: I do!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to apply her eye drops while Monica looks on.]

Rachel: Okay. (She tilts her head back and squeezes the eyedropper. The only problem is, it's not over her eye.)

Monica: Not even close.

Rachel: Okay, then y'know what? Help me! I need help! I can't do this!

Monica: Okay! All right! Let's do it!

Rachel: All right!

Monica: Sit down. (They sit down on the couch.)

Rachel: All right.

Monica: Put your head back.

Rachel: Yes!

Monica: All right.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Now, open your eyes.

Rachel: Okay, they are. (No they're not.)

Monica: How many fingers am I holding up? (She's not holding any up.)

Rachel: (thinks) Four.

Monica: Oh my God, I was thinking four.

Rachel: Really?!

Monica: Yes! All right, y'know what? Why don't we start with a practice run? Okay?

Rachel: Okay!

Monica: No drops!

Rachel: Great!

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: On three, 1…2…3! (Rachel turns her head on three to avoid the drops.) Now my pillow's all wet! (She was trying to fool Rachel and squeezed the eyedropper.)

Rachel: Well, well, you said it was practice!

Monica: Then why did you move?!

Rachel: Because I knew you were lying!

Monica: All right, come here! (She gets up and drags Rachel off of the couch by her legs.)

Rachel: (as she's being dragged) What are you? Monica!! Stop it!! Oh my God! Stop it! (Monica drags her totally onto the floor and on her back.)

Monica: I am going… I'm going--Turn it over! (Rachel rolled onto her stomach and Monica rolls her back.) I'm… I am going to get these drops in your eyes. (She is holding Rachel down with both hands and has the eyedropper in her mouth.)

Rachel: Oh my God! You really are freakishly strong!

(Monica starts biting on the eyedropper, spraying the fluid all over. But Rachel keeps turning her head back and forth and Monica keeps missing.)

Rachel: Monica! Stop it!

Monica: (spitting out the eyedropper) Damn! It's empty!

Rachel: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune! (Monica is straddling Rachel and holding her arms down. In a rather risqué pose, at least for primetime TV.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse, Phoebe and Monica are playing cards as the phone rings.]

Phoebe: Ooh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or Ross. (Thinks) Or-or Rachel!

Monica: (answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.) (To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's proud of herself.) (To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. Y'know he's really upset about it.

Joey: (on a pay phone holding a box) Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I did with his sweater vests!

Monica: What did you do to his sweater vests?

Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car.

Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second. (She hands the phone to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Hey, dude!

Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. What-what is it?

Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.)

Chandler: (who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to him!

Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering… (We hear the dial tone as Joey hangs up.) Okay, I guess he ran out of change.

Chandler: Y'know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him if he won't even talk to me?

Monica: Well, maybe you should send him something. So that when he gets to Las Vegas he'll know that you're sorry.

Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of porn…

Phoebe: No, don't-don't say I'm sorry with porn!

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: Y'know what you should send him? A cartoon of cigarettes. 'Cause that why he could trade it for protection. No. That's prison.

Ross: (entering) Okay Pheebs, I know how we're going to figure this out. Okay, clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. Okay?

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Ross: What do you like better flora or fauna?

Phoebe: Fauna.

Ross: Who would you rather be Simon or Garfunkle?

Phoebe: Garfunkle.

Ross: Why are you mad at me?

Phoebe: You said I was boring--Ohh!

Ross: When did I say you were boring?!

Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess!

Ross: Phoebe! You and I have never played chess!

Phoebe: Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! (Realizes) Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream.

[Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name. Y'know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La…la…la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food containers out of the foot well.]

Joey: Hey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! You're leading man is here! Let's get to work.

Stanley: Umm, slight change of plans. We've shut down.

Joey: Wh-what?! Why?!

Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any.

Joey: (laughs) You're kidding right?

Stanley: No.

Joey: What?!

Stanley: It-it's probably just temporary. We're hoping to get some more money soon, so if could just uh, hang out.

Joey: Uh, hang out?! How long?

Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya?

Joey: No!

Stanley: Eh, worth a shot. (Gets into his car.) Look Joey, let me know where you're staying, okay? (The car peels away.)

(I think one of the grips walk up to Joey, mainly because there's a credit for The Grip. What the heck is a grip anyway?!)

The Grip: Hey pal, are you Joey Tribbiani?

Joey: Yeah.

The Grip: These got left for ya. (He hands him a bunch of helium balloons.)

Joey: Thanks. (The grip walks away.) (Reading the card.) Congratulations on your big break.

(The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la. See, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-la, la, la, la…)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone is ringing.]

Monica: (answering it) Hello?

Joey: (on phone from Vegas) Hey Monica, it's Joey!

Monica: Hey Joey! Aww, you remembered even though you're a big star!

Joey: Aw, come on! It'll be years before I forget you!

Monica: Joey, what's it like on a movie set, huh? Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a chair with your name on it?

Joey: Uh, well yeah-yeah, I've got all of that going on. Yeah, listen uh, I want you to make sure you tell Chandler that he couldn't have been more wrong! Uh-oh! I gotta go Monica, my uh, my sushi's here!

[Cut to Joey hanging up the phone in Vegas. He's wearing a Roman gladiator's uniform and goes over to join a family to pose for a picture. You see, he's apparently taken a job at Caesar's Palace.]

Joey: (to the family) Sorry about that. Thanks for waitin'.

The Husband: Okay!

Joey: Everybody smile! (The picture is taken) Okay, thanks a lot! Enjoy your stay at Caesar's! We hope it's toga-rrific! (The family leaves.) Kill me. Kill me now.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The gang is surrounding Rachel at key positions.]

Ross: Hey Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide?

Rachel: Yep!

(As she moves to get it, Monica yells…)

Monica: Go!!

(Phoebe jumps to the floor as Ross tackles Rachel off of the couch. Chandler helps push Rachel onto the floor by jumping over the back of the couch. Phoebe grabs Rachel's head to hold it still and opens Rachel's eye as Monica jumps onto Chandler's back to administer the torture--I mean medicine.)

Rachel: What?!! Stop it! Stop it! Oh my God!

Monica: Okay! Okay! Okay! (She succeeds in getting the eye drops in and everyone climbs off of Rachel.) We'll see you in about 3 to 4 hours.

Rachel: Oh! (She's trying to recover while still on the floor.)

End

The One In Vegas

Part I Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Part II Written by: Greg Malins & Scott Silveri

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in the living room and Phoebe is standing in the kitchen as the phone rings.]

Rachel: Pheebs? Could you get that? Please?

Phoebe: Why? Just 'cause you're too lazy to get up off your touchie?

Rachel: No! No! It's just that all the people in the entire world that I want to talk to are right here.

Phoebe: (smiles) Okay! (Goes to answer the phone.)

Rachel: (under her breath) Sucker!

Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Joey!

[Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and wearing his gladiator costume.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the pin number to my ATM card can, can you get it for me?

Phoebe: Sure! Where is it?

Joey: Uh, I scratched it on the ATM machine down on the corner.

Phoebe: Ohh! So you're 5639?!

Joey: That's it! Thanks Pheebs!

[Cut to Monica and Rachel's]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: (to Joey) Ooh, do you want to talk to Chandler?

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real!

A Casino Boss: Hey! Tribbiani! Get back to work! Break time's over!

[Cut to Phoebe]

Phoebe: Who was that?

Joey: Uhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and y'know, he's getting a little too familiar for my tastes.

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y'know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and do it in person.

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Uhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him on?

[Cut to Phoebe]

Phoebe: Yeah! (She hands the phone to Chandler.)

Chandler: (To Joey) Hey!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Don't come out here!

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: I got that! I forgive ya! Don't come out here!

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: Forgive me? You haven't been taking my calls in a week!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Well, I'm totally over it Chandler. Friends forever! Don't come out here!

A Tourist: (To Joey) Would you mind doing a picture with us?

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: Uh, what was that?

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Uh, Entertainment Tonight. [Cut to Chandler] Yeah, okay so, good talking to ya and don't come out here. All right. (Hangs up the phone and poses for that picture.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]

Phoebe: Monica! I'm sorry I'm late! (Starts looking around for her) Monica? (Goes into Monica's bedroom.)

Monica: (entering) Phoebe? (Phoebe comes back into the living room) Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry. Have you been here long?

Phoebe: (saddened) It's okay. What the hell took you so long?

Monica: Okay, you can not tell Chandler. Okay? That I ran into Richard.

Phoebe: Which Richard?

Monica: The Richard.

Phoebe: Richard Simmons?! Oh my God!

Monica: Noo! My ex-boyfriend Richard! Y'know the tall guy, moustache?

Phoebe: Oh! Okay, that actually makes more sense. So how was it?

Monica: It was, it was really nice. We started talking and I-I ended up having lunch with him.

Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that you'd have lunch with Richard.

Monica: Really?

Phoebe: But again, Simmons. Go on.

Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I didn't feel anything at all!

Phoebe: Ooh! So now why can't we tell Chandler?

Monica: Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow's our anniversary. I just don't want anything to spoil that.

Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you guys lasted a whole year!

Monica: I know.

Phoebe: Wow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: On a totally different bet.

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: It's almost our anniversary!

Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler.

Phoebe: Awww! Now you're just my annoying friend Chandler.

Chandler: Huh.

Monica: I got you a present!

Chandler: Oh, but it's not 'til tomorrow!

Monica: I know, but you have to open it today! (Hands it too him.)

Chandler: Okay.

(He starts taking his time opening it. Finally Monica snaps.)

Monica: (grabbing the gift from him and opening it) Okay! There you go! It's two tickets to Vegas!

Chandler: Wow!

Monica: For this weekend! Oh gosh, it would be perfect, we get to see Joey plus we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call it out plane-aversary.

Chandler: Do we have to?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn't want any of us out there.

Monica: Oh, he just doesn't want us to go through any trouble. Think of how excited he'll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary!

Chandler: Yeah, I think we should see other people.

Monica: But we can go, right?

Chandler: Yes.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: It's a great idea. (They kiss)

Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too!

Chandler: Y'know Pheebs, it's kinda our (His and Monica's) anniversary.

Phoebe: Oh please, you are not gonna ditch again like you did with London.

Monica: Ditch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets!

Phoebe: Uh-huh, great story! I'm going!

Rachel: (entering with Ross) Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey, you guys, listen, this weekend we're all gonna go to Las Vegas to surprise Joey! Including me!! You wanna go?!

Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work.

Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me!

Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a presentation tomorrow. I can't miss that.

Ross: Oh, but I've got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I've been waiting like a year for this.

Chandler: (coughing) Art lover!

Ross: What'd you say?

Chandler: I said art lover.

Ross: Is that supposed to be an insult?

Chandler: I don't know, I'm very tired.

Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday.

Rachel: That sounds great.

Ross: Yeah? All right I'll call the airlines. (Picks up the phone and does so)

Rachel: Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked.

Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y'know? Have a little alone time.

Phoebe: Naked alone time.

Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I'm alone doesn’t mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.

Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?

[Scene: An airplane cabin, Phoebe has the aisle seat, Chandler the window, and Monica's stuck in that horrible middle seat.]

Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to London?

Chandler: So it's pretty much the same Pheebs.

Phoebe: Okay, what about after I give you these candies? (Hands them each one from her purse.)

Chandler: Yeah, I guess it's a little better now.

Phoebe: Ah-ha! Okay, (takes out a notepad) Las Vegas 1, London 0! I'll be right back. (Gets up and heads aft.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Happy plane-aversary.

Monica: Aww! I love you!

Chandler: Can I give you a present now?

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Don’t tell me I did this!

Monica: I love the "I forgot the present" fake out!

Chandler: How do you feel about the, "I really did forgot the present, please forgive me" not fake out?

Monica: Oh that's okay. Don’t worry about it, you can give it to me when we get back.

Chandler: Ohh that's the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever!

Phoebe: (sitting down) Oh good! All right, so you decided to tell him about the Richard thing.

Chandler: What-what Richard thing?

Phoebe: Oh no. [The patented version.]

Chandler: What Richard thing?

Phoebe: (To Monica under her breath) Simmons! Go with Simmons!

Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary.

Chandler: (talking out of the side of his mouth) I'm not mad.

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It's no big deal. (He still ain't happy.)

Monica: Great!

(Pause.)

Phoebe: Okay, London 1…

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime programming, we didn't see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and…]

Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! {Don't get your hopes up guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. Its times like these I wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Denis Franz's butt.} (In her head.) Huh, check me out! I'm in my kitchen…naked! I'm picking up an orange. (Does so) I'm naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body away.)

[Cut to Ross's apartment, he's sitting by his window looking at an art book. As he's turning the page, he glances up and notices something.]

Ross: (in his head) Oh my God! That's Rachel naked! I can't look at that! I am looking at this. (Looks back at his book.) Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush strokes—Unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or, am I?

[Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. Y'know, I think I'd pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!]

Rachel: (singing) Love to love ya baby! Ow! Love to love ya baby! Ow! (There's a knock on the door, she turns off the music, puts on her robe, and goes to answer the door.) Love to love ya, baby! (There's another knock.) Darnit! (Looks through the peephole and turns on the lights.) Ugh. (She opens the door to Ross who's leaning against the door jam.)

Ross: Hey.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the scene is continued from where we left off before the break.]

Ross: May I come in?

Rachel: Uh, yeah, if you want too.

Ross: Do you want me too?

Rachel: Yeah, sure?

Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach, before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.) This is just about tonight. I don't to go through with this if it's going to raise the question of "Us." (Rachel's confused) Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.)

Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross?

Ross: The physical act of love. (Hisses at her.)

Rachel: (laughs) What?! Are you crazy?

Ross: Oh so-so you weren't trying to entice me just now with your-your nakedness?

Rachel: (gasps) Oh God, you saw me?! Oh!

Ross: You weren't trying to entice me with your nakedness.

Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with you?!

Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and heads for the door.)

Rachel: Ohh wow! I’m sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes!

Ross: Can we, can we just forget this ever happened?

Rachel: Yes of course, absolutely! You're right. I'm sorry.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. (Starts to leave)

Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the question of "us?"

(Ross storms off embarrassed.)

[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money. Anyhoo, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar's Palace carrying their luggage.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!

Monica: Phoebe, you don't eat animals.

Phoebe: For 99 cents, I'd eat you. (Sees the casino) Okay, I can totally settle down here. It's got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi!

Chandler: Oh my God.

Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.)

Joey: Hi!

Chandler: Love your condoms my man.

Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come.

Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator?

Joey: Uhh, because I'm shooting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, y'know what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in particular) Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are here, I'm gonna take a little break.

Monica: Who are you talking too?

Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work here.

Chandler: Why?! What happened?!

Joey: Well, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so I'm working here 'til it starts up again, if it ever does.

Monica: I'm so sorry.

Joey: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell ya. (To Chandler) I'm sorry man.

Chandler: No-no, that's okay, apparently there's a new policy where we don't have to share everything with everybody.

Monica: I knew you were not okay with that.

Phoebe: So you're a gladiator! Wow!

Joey: Yeah, what-what's going on?

Phoebe: Monica had lunch with Richard.

Joey: Dawson?!

Phoebe: Noo! But that would've been so cool!

Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard!

Monica: It meant nothing! Okay? After all this time, how can you not trust me?

Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about it!

Monica: You're right. I'm sorry. I should've told you.

Chandler: Thanks. (They hug.)

Joey: Aww, there we go.

Phoebe: I love Vegas!

Monica: I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you.

Chandler: (pushing her away from another hug) Next time?

Joey: Ooh, so close.

Chandler: There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again!

Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can't tell me what to do!

Chandler: That's so funny, because I think I just did!

Monica: Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don't even want to be around you.

Chandler: Fine with me!

Monica: Fine! Happy Anniversary!

Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big misunderstanding.

Monica: No it is not!

Chandler: What are you talking…

Joey: Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here! (Walks away.)

[Scene: An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on their way to Vegas.]

Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love.

Ross: (sarcastic) Yep! That's hilarious!

Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done.

Ross: Y'know, last night was embarrassing for you too.

Rachel: No, not really. I mean you've seen me naked hundreds of times.

Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building.

Rachel: Okay. All right, that's true! But y'know I just don't embarrass that easily.

Ross: What?! You totally get embarrassed!

Rachel: No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are.

Ross: Is that so?

Rachel: Yeah.

(Pause.)

Ross: (loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey lady! I don't care how much you want it! Okay?! I am not gonna to have sex with you in the bathroom! (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.)

[Scene: Chandler's hotel room, he's sitting there with Joey who's talking about his helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top.]

Joey: Hey, y'know in Roman times this was more than just a hat.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right…

Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary.

Joey: All right well, I'll take you someplace nice then. Look! A guy tipped me a hundred bucks today.

Chandler: Whoa!

Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe that? $5,000!

Chandler: Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)

Joey: Wait a minute! Why don't I do what that guy did? I'll take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again!

Chandler: Good luck!

Joey: Chandler! I don't need luck. I have thought this through!

Chandler: I see.

(Joey exits as Chandler shakes his head.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton's signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background.]

Monica: (to the bartender) Thank you.

Phoebe: Thanks.

Monica: I can't believe this! This is like the worst night ever!

Phoebe: Y'know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It's only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so sorry.

Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again.

Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He's probably up in your room! Tell him that you're sorry and that you love him.

Monica: Y'know what? You're right Phoebe. You're right. Thank you! (Gets up to find Chandler.)

Phoebe: Sure! (When Monica gets close to the door.) (Yelling) Yeah! Las Vegas, number one!

[Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.]

Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes her head no.)

The Croupier: Comin' out. Place your bet. (Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The woman next to Monica rolls the dice.) Double or nothin'! Pay the front line! (Monica won and doubled the chip.)

Monica: Hmm.

[Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their row.]

Guy: (To Rachel) So uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom. (Ross giggles.)

Rachel: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin'! All right?

(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)

Rachel: Ross! What are you… I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you.

[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]

Ross: (to the guy in the window seat next to him) Hey! Y'know that teacher who had a baby with her student? (He points at Rachel.)

[Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross's drink, and spills it into his lap.]

Ross: What the? What…

Rachel: (to the flight attendant who appears in record time. It was only seconds after Rachel pushed the call button was she there. Once again, more proof that TV isn't real, IRL she would've been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then Ross's pants would be dry.) Hi!

The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you?

Rachel: Yes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident.

[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables on his quest to make enough money for his movie.]

Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.)

Blackjack Dealer: Changing one hundred! (Gives him the change.) Good luck sir.

Joey: (betting all 100) Let's ride.

Blackjack Dealer: (Deals the cards) 13.

Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer's hand.)

[Cut to Chandler's room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.]

Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical hand twin!

Chandler: (totally confused) What?

Joey: My identical hand twin!

Chandler: What's an identical hand twin?

Joey: What's it sound like? It's a guy with my identical hands! It was incredible! Chandler, the dealer's hands were exactly like me! It-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror!

Chandler: Are you sure you weren't (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror?

Joey: Don’t you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I'm gonna be a millionaire!

Chandler: (totally confused) How?

Joey: Look, I don't have it all worked out yet, but it's gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical hands!

Chandler: Again I must go back to, how?

Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh?

Chandler: (Pause) Y'know, I-I can't really put a price on that Joe.

Joey: Hey, are you unsupporting me again?

Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away. Y'know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea!

(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Pheebs!!

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: I found my identical hand twin!

Phoebe: Ohh, you are so lucky! (To Chandler) Hey! So, where's Monica? Did you guys make up?

Chandler: No!

Phoebe: But she just came up here!

Chandler: That was Joey!

Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird.

Chandler: Yeah, well, she's probably talking to Richard.

Phoebe: Would you stop that! Do you wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with Richard? She didn't feel anything for him. She loves you!

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: Yes! Now, she feels terrible! She really wants to make up! You gotta find her.

Chandler: Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.)

Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey's gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats!

[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos… They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) It's Not Unusual, y'know, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone!   But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry!   I wanna die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.]

[Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.]

The Flight Attendant: (to another passenger) Welcome to Las Vegas.

(Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross's evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.)

The Flight Attendant: (To Rachel) Thank you! (Not sure of herself) Enjoy your flight?

Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. (Disembarks)

The Flight Attendant: (To Ross) Hope you had a nice flight.

Ross: Ohh, it was the best!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering.]

Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points)

Rachel: Ahh.

(A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.)

Rachel: Hello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me.

Phoebe: (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey!

Ross: Phoebe! (They hug.)

Phoebe: You guys are here! Yay!

Rachel: Hi! (Hugs Phoebe)

Phoebe: (sees Rachel's face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you're Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.)

Rachel: Pancho Vila?

Phoebe: Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel's "make-up.")

Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don't… (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!

Ross: Hey, you wet my pants!

Phoebe: Whoa, what kind of party was this?

Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I can—you have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom)

Ross: Rach! Wait! The men's room is that way. (Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.)

(The old lady at Phoebe's machine wins. Phoebe turns around in shock.)

Phoebe: Ugh!

Ross: What?

Phoebe: That's like the third time that lady's won on a machine I was playing.

Ross: Oooohhh, I'll bet she's one of those people.

Phoebe: M-M-Mole people?

Ross: What? No-no, a lurker.

Phoebe: Oh. What's a lurker?

Ross: Okay when you're playing a machine and it hasn't paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then…

Phoebe: Kills you?

Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.

Phoebe: Ohhh!

Ross: Uh-hmm.

Phoebe: How do you know about this?

Ross: My nana used to do it. That's how she paid for all my dance—karate lessons.

Phoebe: Dance karate?

Ross: Yes, it's a deadly but beautiful sport. (Does a karate chop, then does a little dance-type sway.)

Rachel: (returning with her purse covering her face) All right, it won't come off!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: It won't come off!

Ross: Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure?

Rachel: No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on.

Joey: (entering) Hey-hey-hey you made it!

Ross: Joey!!

Joey: All right! Hey-hey!

Rachel: Hi!!

Joey: Who's your friend? He's hot! (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks him with her purse.)

Ross: (To Joey) Thanks man.

Rachel: Hi. (She hugs Joey.)

Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie.

Joey: No, don't be sorry. I don't need it anymore. I found my identical hand twin!

Ross: Your what?

Joey: My identical hand twin! The person whose hands are exactly like mine! This thing is a gold mine!

Ross: What?! That's not gonna make you any money!

Joey: Okay. Well, if that's how you feel about it, fine! None of you get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb.

[Scene: The craps table, Monica is on a big roll.]

Monica: All right baby, come on! (Rolls the dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fire!

Chandler: (walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon.

Monica: Wait Chandler, what are you doing?!

Chandler: What does it look like? I'm going home.

Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! I’m sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I won't! He means nothing to me!

Chandler: Come on! I was there! (He's propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the love of your life.

Monica: Not any more.

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let's forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is empty.

Chandler: Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing.

[Scene: A blackjack table, it's the same one Joey's hand twin was working at, only he's not there anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful woman.]

Joey: (entering) Uhh, hey. Where's the other guy?

The Woman Dealer: Which guy?

Joey: He's kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. (Holds up his hand.) See?

The Woman Dealer: I don't know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom.

Joey: Okay! (Walks away, then turns back.) How you doin'?

The Woman Dealer: Very busy.

Joey: Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn't they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it's just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just one of those things TV writers just don't explain. Anyhoo…]

Ross: (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn't think so. (Listens) I know it's like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway, umm well make-up didn't cover it and we've tried everything to get it off and nothing's worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh! Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah, it's not coming off.

Rachel: What?! What else did he say?

Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So…(Rachel stares at him.) Okay, look-look umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some fun, and you will forget all about it.

Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this!

Ross: Oh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad.

Rachel: Ross, I am a human doodle!!

Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons…of…freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear!

(They both exit.)

[Time lapse, they're both entering.]

Ross: Okay, there was some staring and pointing.

Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.)

Ross: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it's all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink!

Rachel: (she's finished reliving the fridge of its entire alcohol content.) Macadamia nut?

Ross: (looking at the price list) Umm… Wow! That's-that's some pricey nut!

Rachel: Hm-mmm! (Opens the container)

Ross: Really like those Macadamia nuts, huh?

Rachel: Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in another direction.)

[Scene: The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her head around the aisle of slot machines.]

Phoebe: (seeing her) Get out of here you lurker! (She doesn't move) Go on! Get! (She throws a quarter at her.)

Chandler: (arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: Ohh! You made up!

Monica: Yeah, I couldn't be mad at him for too long.

Chandler: Yeah, she couldn't live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.)

Phoebe: Ohh, get a room.

Monica: We have one.

Phoebe: I know. Use it.

[Scene: The Men's room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.]

Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That's right, you take good care of those babies!

Joey's Hand Twin: Excuse me?

Joey: It's me, Joey!

Joey's Hand Twin: Do I know you?

Joey: (holds up his hand) Joey!

Joey's Hand Twin: Oh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the hand guy.

Joey: Okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?!

Joey's Hand Twin: Nothing?

Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA's gonna wanna talk to us!

Joey's Hand Twin: (tries to leave) I have to get back to…

Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y'know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand!

Joey's Hand Twin: That's okay. (Walks out.)

Joey: (following him) But you haven't even heard the chorus!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the mirror.]

Rachel: Oh my God, I'm starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel.

Ross: (gets up) All right. Y'know what? We don’t have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, we'll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13.

Rachel: Hit me!

Ross: (does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.) Which is what we play to at this casino! You win 10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.)

Rachel: I bet 20.

Ross: You're right! (Gives her the twenty she won.)

[Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler's with her and she has a huge crowd of people around.]

Monica: (shaking the dice) A new pair of shoes for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the dice.) Yes!

Chandler: Yes! I've-I've never seen a roll like this in my life!

Monica: That's right baby! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6?

Monica: Pick a number! That is your only job!

Chandler: 8. 8!

Monica: Thank you!

Chandler: If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner!

All: Yay!!

The Croupier: 8!

Monica: Yes!

All: Yay!!

Monica: (To Chandler) We're not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we?

Chandler: Noo!

Monica: Okay, good! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Two fours.

Monica: Okay. (Rolls the dice)

The Croupier: 8!:

A Drunken Gambler: (To Chandler) Don't you let her go! You're a lucky guy!

Chandler: Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place.

Monica: All right, biggest suite in the place. Come on! (Rolls the dice.)

Chandler: (sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can't even remember what we were fighting about!

Monica: Oh, that's because I had lunch with Rich—Me neither! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Another hard 8.

Monica: Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8!

Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight.

Drunken Gambler: Go! Come on! Roll!

All: Roll-roll!!

Monica: Shut up!! It just got interesting!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Craps table, continued from earlier.]

Monica: What did you just say?

Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.

Monica: Are you serious?!

Chandler: Yes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.

Monica: I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.

Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been some movie I saw.} What do you say?

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay! Come on! Let's go! All right!

(She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the table.)

Chandler: (spots one) Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one?

Drunken Gambler: It went under the table.

Monica: Nobody move! (To Chandler) Okay, you look that way; I'll look this way!

Chandler: All right!

(He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They're both on their hands and knees when they spot the die. It's propped up against the table leg, and it's not lying flat. Both the four and the five are showing.)

Chandler: Here it is! Here it is!

Monica: That could be a four or a five. It's your call.

(Pause.)

Chandler: It's a four.

Monica: I think so too.

(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it's Perry Como, but I'm not sure. It's Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)

[Scene: The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding quarters into the one-armed bandit as the lurker peeks over the top of the machines.]

Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside!

The Lurker: I don't want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair!

(They start smacking each other's cups, but Phoebe notices a security guard approaching.)

Phoebe: Be cool! (They both pretend to have a nice conversation as the guard walks by, but after he leaves they both start fighting again.) Okay lady, your lurking days are over!

The Lurker: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's when I go home. When do you leave?

The Lurker: Also Monday.

Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, they've pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to say, they're feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack.]

Rachel: Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (She slows down with each one.)

Ross: (runs out of cards) We need more cards.

Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!

(They both start laughing. There's a knock on the door.)

Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.)

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Ohh, it's Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.)

Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.)

Joey: Hi!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate!

Ross: I'll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I'm your man. (He starts to sit down on the bed. There's one problem though, he's about two feet to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you okay?

Joey: Yeah! I'm fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave, but gets an idea and stops.) Hey Rach, how you doin'?

Rachel: I'm doin' good, baby. How you doin'?

Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore! (Exits)

Ross: Ohh, here's that Macadamia nut!

Rachel: Ohhh!!

Ross: (he puts it in his mouth) Nope! Something else. (Throws it back under the bed.)

Rachel: Oops! All right, so what do you want to do now?

Ross: I wanna get out of the room! Y'know, I…I really miss downstairs.

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There's only one way I'm leaving this hotel room.

[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]

Ross: Well hello! I'm Ross!

Rachel: Good luck to ya!

Ross: Excuse me sir, you've got a little something right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.)

(They've made their way to the statue of the naked man that Chandler was leaning against earlier.)

Rachel: Wow!

Ross: (bowing) Hello!

Rachel: (bowing) Hello!

Ross and Rachel: (bowing) Hello!

(They both continue on and Ross meows like a cat.)

[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]

Phoebe: I won! I won! I finally won!

The Lurker: I won! That was my quarter!

Phoebe: Fine! Here! Take a hike toots! (Gives back her quarter.)

(The security guard approaches.)

The Lurker: (to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This lady played my quarter, this is my money. (Motions to the jackpot.)

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Is that true miss?

Phoebe: (quietly) Sells drugs to kids.

The Security Guard: What?!

Phoebe: She sells drugs to kids. (The guard looks at the lurker.)

The Lurker: It was my quarter!

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Was it her quarter?

Phoebe: How about we talk about this over dinner?

The Security Guard: Okay lady, you're out of here.

Phoebe: No! No, you can't arrest me! No!! I won't go back! I won't go back to that hell hole!!

The Security Guard: I'm just taking you outside!

Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks out.)

[Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]

Monica: Okay, come on, I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.

Monica: You're so efficient. I love you!

Chandler: Let's go! (Starts to leave.)

Monica: No-no-no! We need something old!

Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I've had since I was twelve.

Monica: That'll work!

Chandler: I don't think so.

Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed!

Chandler: (looks around) Here just…take this. (Hands her the sweater.)

Monica: That's stealing!

Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.

(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)

Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)

Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)

[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! "Join me, and together we'll rule the universe as father and son!" (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in there—Ooh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don't have to see it!)]

Joey: (sitting down) Ahhh! (Slides his hands across the table.)

Joey's Hand Twin: Are you gonna play?

Joey: No-no, I don't really have any money. Not yet, anyway… (Shakes his hands.)

Joey's Hand Twin: You can't sit here if you're not gonna play.

Joey: (throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. {Y'know, looking at it now, they really don't have that similar of hands. Joey's are bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.)

Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I'm a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must've left it in conference room B.

Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) 14.

Joey: Hit me! (He does so.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! They're identical! Now, I've never seen anything like that in the business world.

Joey's Hand Twin: Stop it!

Joey: Uhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table?

Joey's Hand Twin: Please stop it!

Joey: Wouldn't you pay good money to see these identical hands showcased in some type of a uh, entertainment venue?

Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it too you!

(The security guard from before approaches and Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.)

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Didn't I just throw you out of here?

Phoebe: No, you threw out Phoebe. I'm Ms. Regina Phalange. Phalange!

The Security Guard: Come on, lady! (Starts to escort her out.)

Joey's Hand Twin: Please, please take him too. (Motions to Joey.)

Joey: Me?! Oh come on, man! You can't do this! Come on! (Being dragged out by the guard) I'm your hand twin!!

[Scene: A Little White Chapel, Chandler and Monica are entering.]

Chandler: Hello! One marriage please!

Monica: Yep, we wanna get married!

The Attendant: Well, there's a service in progress. Have a seat.

Chandler and Monica: All right.

(They both sit down.)

Chandler: (singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?

Monica: No, only because that's the graduation song.

(The real Wedding March begins playing from behind the closed doors of the chapel.)

Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married!

Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this?

(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)

Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)

Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)

(They storm out into the street.)

Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!

(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck as The King's (Elvis Presley to the yougin's) Viva, Las Vegas begins to play. Sing along with me now, "Viva! Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa! Vivaaaaa! Las Vegassssss!!" Fade to Black.)

Ending Credits

[That's all folks, no teaser; just the big cliffhanger for season 6. Yes, there will be a season 6, and it'll start again in September. Have a good summer everyone!]

The One After Vegas

Written by: Adam Chase

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Wedding Chapel, continued from last season. Chandler and Monica are about to get married.]

Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married!

Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this?

(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)

Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)

Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)

(They storm out into the street.)

Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!

(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.)

Monica: Whoa!

Chandler: Oh my God!

Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Come on Pheebs! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! (They run into the chapel.)

(Chandler and Monica are stunned again.)

Chandler: Oh my God!! Is everybody getting married?!!

(Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.)

Attendant: (scolding them) N-No running in the chapel!

Phoebe: (to her) Hey! Don’t you give me any of your—Hey! (Sees Chandler and Monica standing there.)

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: What are you guys doing here?

Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! Isn’t that why you guys are here?

Chandler: Yes! Well that-yes.

Monica: Why else would we be here?

Joey: Well! What happened?! Did we miss it?

Chandler: We actually missed it.

Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldn’t have had you (turns to the attendant) run in the chapel!

Monica: This is insane!

Phoebe: What’s the big deal, y’know? It’s not like it’s a real marriage.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you’re only married in Vegas.

Monica: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas you’re married everywhere.

Phoebe: (shocked) Really?!

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: Oh my God!—Eh! Well…

Opening Credits

{Transciber’s note: In case you haven’t heard, Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For they’re all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are…}

[Scene: Rachel’s hotel room, she’s waking up with a horrendous hangover.]

Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.)

(Suddenly, there’s movement beside her, startling her. It’s Ross! He wakes up and they both start screaming in terror. Then they both grab their heads having aggravated their hangovers.)

Ross: Why are we in bed together?

Rachel: I don’t know. Do-do you have any clothes on?

Ross: (checks) Yeah.

Rachel: Really?!

Ross: No! But we-we didn’t have…sex-uh, did we? I mean, I don’t remember much about last night, it was such a blur.

Rachel: Oh! I remember laughing! I laughed a lot.

Ross: And we didn’t have sex.

(Rachel agrees with him and starts to get out of bed.)

Rachel: Ohh, I mean, we were really drunk. I’m just glad we didn’t do anything stupid.

Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written on his back.)

[Scene: The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already sitting at the table as Joey enters.]

Joey: Mornin’ Pheebs. (Sits down.) Well, my movie has officially been canceled.

Phoebe: Oh Joey, I’m so sorry. You want some of my breakfast?

Joey: Nah, I’m too depressed to eat. I’ll probably eat in like 5 minutes. So I guess I’ll just fly home with you guys, what time’s your flight?

Phoebe: What about my cab?

Joey: I don’t need that anymore.

Phoebe: No, Joey! You borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back.

Joey: I don’t want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Oh—ooh! How about you come with me?

Phoebe: I don’t know, it’s such a long trip.

Joey: It’ll be great! We-we could talk, and play games! Huh? This could be our chance to like renew our friendship.

Phoebe: Are you asking me to have a frenaissance?

Joey: Sure?

Phoebe: All right. Although I don’t think we need one, I never stopped loving you.

(Chandler and Monica enter.)

Chandler: Hi!

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet?

Phoebe: Um-hmm, yeah. They left me a message; they should be here any minute.

Joey: Where is the waitress?! I’m starving!

Chandler: It’s a buffet man.

Joey: Oh, here’s where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.)

Chandler: Listen, I gotta talk to you.

Joey: Sure! What’s up? (He grabs a plate and proceeds to load it with a huge pile of scrambled eggs. Chandler just stares at him and Joey reluctantly gives him a spoonful.)

Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last night.

Joey: Oh my God! That’s huge! (Hugs him.) Wait a minute, why come I wasn’t invited? And who was going to be your best man? Don’t say, "Ross." Do not say, "Ross."

Chandler: Look, I just don’t think Monica and I are ready to get married yet! Y’know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. Y’know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her?

Joey: Oh! Tell her she’s not marriage material.

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if she’s anything like me, she’s just gonna be relieved.

[Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.]

Monica: How do I tell Chandler that it’s too soon. It’s gonna break his heart, he’s not gonna think that I don’t love him anymore.

Phoebe: Well you don’t.

Monica: Yes I do!

Phoebe: Good! Good! I was just testing you.

Chandler: (returning with Joey) Hi.

Monica: Oh hi! Hi! Y’know, we were just talking about bacon.

Phoebe: No, we were talking about tennis. Tennis is more believable.

(Ross and Rachel enter.)

Ross: Hey!

The Girls: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

(They both sit down and Rachel pours them both some coffee. They’re acting like nothing’s happened and everyone is just staring at them.)

Ross: What?

Chandler: Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or…

Rachel: (To Ross) I don’t know. (To the gang.) What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night.

Ross: Yeah!

Phoebe: Uh-huh! Ross invited us all to watch.

(Rachel turns to Ross stunned.)

Monica: Rach! We weren’t gonna miss our friends getting married!

Rachel: (gasps) Who got married?! (Ross is as surprised to hear this as she is.)

Chandler: (not quite sure) You did.

Ross: What?! Hello! We didn’t get married.

Rachel: No, we didn’t get married! That’s ridiculous!

(They turn to look at each other and suddenly remember that they did in fact get married.)

Ross: We-we-we—I remember being in a chapel.

Rachel: Oh my God.

Ross: I—They would not let us get married when we were that drunk!

Rachel: No!

Joey: They let you get married when you’re drunk! Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk!

Phoebe: Hell, I’m drunk right now! (They all turn and look at her.) What? I can’t have a mimosa with breakfast?! I’m on vacation!

Monica: What are you guys gonna do?

Rachel: Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? (Looks at Ross.)

Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one’s free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one’s free.

Ross: Laugh it up, but the joke’s on you. Because we don’t need to get divorced, okay? We we’re just gonna get an annulment.

Joey: An annulment? Ross! I don’t think surgery’s the answer here.

Phoebe: Oh-oh, that’s your thing.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: You’re thing. You’re thing. Y’know? You’re the guy who gets divorced.

All: Oh yeah!

Ross: No-no, that’s-that’s not my thing! I do not love getting divorced!

Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much you’re probably gonna marry it! Then it won’t work out and you’re gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause) I’m so drunk.

[Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it.]

Monica: So, what do you think we should do?

Chandler: I don’t know. But I-I-I know I love you!

Monica: I know I love you! (They hug.)

Chandler: So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you.

Monica: That’s a good question. Look umm, last night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you!

Chandler: Yes, we don’t get married unless there’s a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then there’s a definite sign that we should get married.

Monica: All right, eight we get married, but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 we don’t get married.

Chandler: Sounds great.

Monica: Okay. (They approach the craps table.)

Croupler: Coming in, we got a shooter! Money please.

Monica: Ready?

Chandler: Ready!

Monica: (sarcastic) Come on eight.

Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, yes eight.

(Monica rolls the dice.)

Croupler: Eight! Easy eight. (She rolls a 3 and a 5 and they’re stunned.)

Monica: Wow! I can’t believe I actually rolled an eight.

Chandler: That was so unlikely. Well, let’s get married! I guess.

Monica: Wait a minute. That wasn’t a hard eight! Last night I rolled a hard eight.

Chandler: That’s right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit!

Monica: I wanted it so bad! (Pause) Wanna go pack?

Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) We’re doing the right thing, right?

Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each other’s hands.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s cab, Phoebe and Joey are driving back. Phoebe is driving while Joey is sleeping.]

Phoebe: Okay, you have 19 questions left. Use them wisely. (Joey groans.) Come on Joey! You can’t win if you don’t ask any (sees that he’s asleep) QUESTIONS!!!

Joey: (wakes up) What?!

Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! We’ve been on the road six hours and you’ve been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper!

Joey: All right. All right.

Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radio’s broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice.

Joey: Really? I don’t…

Phoebe: Sing!!

Joey: (starts singing) I wanna rock and roll all night! (Falls asleep.)

[Time lapse, Phoebe is asleep, Joey’s driving and having a hard time staying awake.]

Joey: (to himself) Man, this is a long drive! Are my eyes open? No! (He opens his eyes and sees a hitchhiker.)

[Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the car’s still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]

Hitchhiker: (driving) Morning! (Phoebe screams again.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, hubby!

Ross: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that whole annulment thing?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Ross: I’m not going to do that. (Rachel glares at him.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier. Rachel starts laughing.]

Rachel: Okay! So, we’ll just stay married.

Ross: Yes, exactly!

Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller!

Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really thought I’d have to talk you into this more.

Rachel: Okay, see now I’m scared because I don’t actually think you’re kidding.

Ross: I’m-I’m not kidding. Look I-I, I can’t have three failed marriages. I can’t. Okay? I-I am not gonna be that guy!

Rachel: What-wh-what so we’ll just stay married forever?!

Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! It’s right next to it!

Rachel: Ohh, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. Y’know what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what you’re asking of me.

Ross: I’m asking you to do me a favor.

{Note: Does anyone else want to smack Ross right about now? Raise your hands. Okay, put them down before you stink out the person next to you.}

Rachel: You are asking me to be your wife!

Ross: And as my wife I think you should grant me this favor.

[Scene: The hallway, Chandler is helping Monica to the door.]

Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the plane.

Chandler: Well you did pull his hair.

Monica: He took my snack!

Chandler: I’m not getting into this again!

Monica: Okay! Oh God, y’know what? It’s really bad.

Chandler:  Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)

Monica: This doesn’t mean anything, does it?

Chandler: No!

Monica: Okay.

[Scene: Phoebe’s cab, she’s driving, Joey’s in the back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe.]

Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rape—(She holds her hand in front of the hitchhiker’s face), a rapist or a killer or something!

Joey: Don’t you think I asked him that before he got in?!

Phoebe: Y’know what? I’m not talking to you! You go back to sleep! (To the hitchhiker) And you, are you a rapist?!

Hitchhiker: No!

Phoebe: Do you like car games?

Hitchhiker: Yeah, y’know the license plate game?

Phoebe: I love the license plate game!

Joey: Ooh, I’ll play! I’ll play!

Phoebe: No-No! You need your sleep. Night-night! Shh! (She closes the partition.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to keep all the presents!

Rachel: (thinks about it for a second) No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look I thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married.

Ross: I don’t know if it’s true.

Rachel: Oh b-b-but it is!

Ross: Oh, okay, y’know what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage...

Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage!! This is the world’s worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will!

Ross: All right. All right, I’ll do it.

Rachel: Thank you. (He goes to leave.) Hey-hey umm, uh, is there, is there any such thing as an annulment shower?

(Ross turns and leaves.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s cab, it’s the same arrangement as before.]

Hitchhiker: Wait! Wait! There is the train station!

Phoebe: Oh, okay.

Hitchhiker: This is where I get off. Well, I have your address and phone number.

Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that you’re a drifter, so the ball’s pretty much in your court.

Hitchhiker: All right, see ya Pheebs. (Gets out and Phoebe drives away.)

Joey: Come on Pheebs! I can’t take this anymore! Let-let me make it up to you. Huh? (Starts singing.) Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on!

Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it no! That’s not fair! Y’know I can’t resist that beautiful voice!

Joey: Pheebs, I am so sorry! I know I promised you a fun road trip with your friend and I didn’t deliver. But-but-but now I know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long as I know you.

Phoebe: You can still sleep at night and stuff.

Joey: Well, thank you. So, can we play 20 Questions now? I’ve got a really good one! I’ve been thinking about it since Kansas.

Phoebe: Okay. Is it a kind of hot sandwich?

Joey: Yes.

Phoebe: Is it a meatball sub?

Joey: That is incredible! You are the master!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the bouquet over her head, and those you who are quicker than some already know that Monica is the one who catches it.]

Rachel: Huh, that’s funny. You look like you’re gonna be the…

Monica: No, don’t say it! Don’t even think it!

Rachel: All right. Okay Chandler, enjoy your handful. (Exits.)

Chandler: All right, should we just, should we just get married? Y’know? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it.

Monica: I’m sick of the signs! It’s too fast, I’m happy the way things are!

Chandler: Me too!

Monica: I don’t want things to change! Do you?

Chandler: No!

Monica: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything stays the same! And you go unpack because it’s been three days and it’s driving me insane!

Chandler: Jeez, relax! It’s not like we’re mar-ah-ah!! (Runs out.)

Chandler: (entering, slowly) Y’know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?

Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.

Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?

Monica: Then you’d be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn’t make any sense.

Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I’m saying?

Monica: Live together? There have been no signs for that.

Chandler: Me asking is kind of a sign.

Monica: YES!!!!!!!!

Chandler: Okay!!!!!

(And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.)

Monica: Yes! Okay! Okay! Wait-wait-wait!

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Here’s your key (Gets him one.)

Chandler: Oh thanks.

Monica: Here’s your key. All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out and come back in!

Chandler: The door hasn’t been locked in five years, but okay! (Runs out.) Ready?!

Monica: Ready!

(He tries, but something happens.)

Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I can’t get in!

Monica: Wait! Oh my God! I can’t get out!

Chandler: This is not a sign!

Monica: No, it’s not a sign! It’s a very old key!

Chandler: It’s an old key!

Monica: Oh my God it’s old!

Chandler: I love you!

Monica: I love you!

Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now.

(Pause)

Monica: No.

Chandler: Yeah-yeah, me neither.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, so did everything go all right with the annulment?

Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of.

Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie?

Ross: Oh yeah, why not?

Rachel: Pheebs?

Phoebe: No thanks, I’ve already seen one.

Rachel: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.)

Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird?

Phoebe: Always.

Ross: I didn’t get the annulment.

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: We’re still married! Don’t tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: The hallway, Joey is coming up the stairs and sees Chandler trying to open the lock.]

Joey: What are you doing?

Chandler: The key’s stuck in the lock.

Joey: I can fix it. Hold on. (He goes and gets a screwdriver from his apartment) Look out. Look out. (Pries at the door a little bit.)

Chandler: (trying the handle) It still doesn’t work.

Joey: I’m not finished.

Chandler: Oh.

(Joey goes back into the apartment, runs back into the hallway, throws his shoulder against the door, and knocks it down off it’s hinges.)

Chandler: Nice job Joe! You’re quite the craftsmen.

(Joey pats him on the stomach and heads to bed.)

End

The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel

Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, it’s the same scene from the end of last week’s show. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, so did everything go okay with the annulment?

Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of.

Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie?

Ross: Oh yeah, why not?

Rachel: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.)

Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird?

Phoebe: Always.

Ross: I didn’t get the annulment.

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: We’re still married! Don’t tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)

[Cut to outside Central Perk.]

Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, do you have any gum?

Rachel: Oh? Yeah! Sure!

Phoebe: (running out) Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen, Ross can I just talk to you for just a second?

Rachel: Oh but Phoebe, we’re gonna be late for the movie.

(A cab pulls up.)

Phoebe: Oh, there’s a cab! Taxi!! (The cab stops and she opens the door.) Good timing, my God, huh? Here you go. (Pushes Rachel in and closes the door.)

Rachel: Yeah, we’re, we’re actually just gonna walk ‘cause it’s right up there at the Angelica.

Phoebe: Oh, the Angelica!! Go! Go! (She bangs on the cab’s roof and it pulls away.) (To Ross) You didn’t get the annulment?!!

Ross: I know.

Phoebe: Ross?!

Ross: Well, I tried! But when I got to my lawyer’s office all I could hear was, "Three divorces. Three divorces!" Look, I just don’t want my tombstone to read, Ross Gellar, Three Divorces.

Phoebe: Don’t be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage! Y’know? Mine’s gonna say Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive.

Ross: Look, all I know is I-I can’t have another failed marriage!

Phoebe: So okay what? You’re gonna be married to a girl who doesn’t even know about it?!—Op, woman! Sorry.

Ross: Well, okay so, I don’t have it all worked out quite yet. Just don’t say anything to Rachel, please?

Phoebe: Rachel is one of my closest friends. (Pause) Although, being the only one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. Okay!

(Rachel’s cab backs up.)

Rachel: (to the driver) Okay, stop-stop! Phoebe?!

Phoebe: Hey Rach!

Rachel: What was that?!

Phoebe: Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the movie?

Rachel: I haven’t seen it yet!

Phoebe: Well then you’d better hurry! The Angelica! Go! Go! (Bangs on the roof again and off they go.)

Rachel: Noooooooo!!

Opening Credits

{Transciber’s note: In case you’re wondering, and I know you are. Their names are all back to normal. Just in a slightly smaller font than usual to allow Courteney Cox Arquette to fit on one line and not be smaller than the rest of their names. Now, on with the show…}

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch.]

Chandler: Y’know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine?

Monica: Of course! Joey wouldn’t let you have one?

Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, he’s surprisingly strict.

Monica: Hey, have you figured out a way to tell him you’re moving out?

Chandler: No, no, I keep trying, y’know? I can get out, "Joey, I have too…" but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, "…go to the bathroom." He may think I’m sick.

Monica: Y’know, I really have to tell Rachel, but I… We just have to get it over with! Y’know, the next time we see them we’re just gonna tell them. Okay? That’s it.

Chandler: Oh, so that’s this is gonna work now? You’re just gonna order me around all the time?

Monica: Pretty much.

Chandler: All right.

Joey: (entering) Hey Monica!

Monica: Hi!

Joey: (To Chandler) Hey man, you feeling any better? (Chandler answers him with some guttural sounds that only he can make and that no human can transcribe.)

Monica: Joey, we have something to tell you.

Joey: Oh my God! You’re pregnant!

Chandler: No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, here’s the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I’m gonna be moving out man.

Joey: Wow! (Tearing up) Well, uh… Hey! I’m really happy for you guys! Congratulations! (Kisses Monica on the cheek) See you later. (Starts for the door on the verge of tears as Monica stops him.)

Monica: Wait! Joey! Joey! Are you okay?!

Joey: Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. (Turns towards the door, pauses, and turns back.) Like you’d believe that. This sucks!

Chandler: Look, I-I’m just gonna be right across the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica and I break up I’m moving right back in with you!

Joey: (To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if you’re gonna be moving in with him I feel it’s my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! Okay? He’s a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh, forgets to umm… Oh-oh he always, he always umm—Oh, who am I kidding! He’s the best roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey, have you seen Rachel?

Phoebe: No, why?

Monica: I have some pretty exciting news!

Phoebe: (gasps) You’re pregnant!

Monica: No! Chandler and I are moving in together!

Phoebe: Ooh! That’s good! Wow! But now if you were pregnant, what would you name it? Hint: Phoebe.

(Ross returns from getting some coffee.)

Ross: Hey! Hi!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: What’s up?

Monica: Well umm, Chandler and I are moving in together.

Ross: Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my best friend…shaking up. Oh, that’s great. That’s great. (Kisses and hugs her.)

Phoebe: Guys, I’m happy too.

Monica: Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in the hug.)

Phoebe: Wow! Big day huh? People moving in, people getting annulled… (Winks at Ross.)

Monica: Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm, if you guys see her could you please try to give her some really bad news so that mine doesn’t seem so bad? (Exits.)

Ross: Bye.

Phoebe: Hmm, something bad to tell Rachel… Bad news for Rachel, what could that be?!

Ross: Could ya just, could ya just lay off, please? All right? My life is an embarrassment! I should go live under somebody’s stairs!

Phoebe: Ross, it’s not that big a deal! So you’ll been divorced three times, you’ll still have a life, you’ll go on dates…

Ross: (interrupting) No! No, I won’t! I’ll be at the bottom of the dating barrel now. The only guys below me will be Four Divorce Guy uh, Murderer Guy, and-and, Geologists.

Phoebe: Ross, you’re being ridiculous! Okay? You are cute and smart and sweet and that is much more important than three stupid divorces!

Ross: Oh yeah? Have you ever dated anyone who has been divorced three times?

Phoebe: Y’know that’s really fair. Y’know? Most guys who have been divorced three times are like 60. Ross, nobody cares about this except you! This-this embarrassment thing is all in your head! Here, I’ll show you! Come here.

Ross: What?! Why?

(She grabs his arm and drags him over to a table where three beautiful women are sitting. Now, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that their names are Stephanie, Karin, and Meg. Okay, so I looked at the credits. Of course, only Meg is named later on, so I’ll have to guess who is Stephanie and who is Karin. But, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

Phoebe: (to the girls) Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend Ross is about to be divorced for the third time, but wouldn’t you date him?

Ross: And if you wait right here, I’ll go get Ross. (Phoebe grabs his arm and prevents him from escaping.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is pacing anxiously waiting for Rachel.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Ugh, I thought you were Rachel!

Chandler: (looking down) What gave me away?

Monica: I just tell her, I have to get it over with. I told Ross and Phoebe and she’s the only one left!

Chandler: Okay, so that’s it, everybody knows! It’s official, we’re moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Wow that was my scariest voice! You’re very brave.

(They hug as Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: Ugh, the worse day! Y’know, you think you’re making progress at work and then your boss calls you Raquel.

Chandler: Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously.

Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky!

Chandler: Well, I-I still think you’re very-very nice and very pretty…

Rachel: What?

Chandler: (To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks away.)

Monica: Have a seat. (They sit at the table.) Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to live together, here.

Rachel: Oh my God! That’s so great! I’m so happy for you guys!

Monica: Really?!

Rachel: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are gonna have such a good time living together!

Monica: Yes, we are. (Chandler is frantically trying to get Monica to correct her.)

Rachel: And Chandler, you’re gonna have to watch those long showers you take in the morning because you know Raquel can’t be late.

Chandler: Rach…

Monica: Yeah, he’s gonna work on that.

Rachel: Ohh! This is so exciting! Oh God… (Gasps and starts to sing) Come and knock on my door…

Monica: (singing) We’ll be waiting for you…

{Transciber’s note: I’ll finish that one for those of you who don’t know what they’re talking about. Where the towels are Hers and Hers and His, Three’s Company too! Yeah, that’s the theme song for Three’s Company.}

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is hosting an impromptu roundtable discussion with Stephanie, Karin, and Meg about Ross’s three divorces.]

Ross: …once you know the stories, it’s not that bad. First marriage, wife’s hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second marriage, said the wrong name at the altar, a little my fault. Third marriage, well they really shouldn’t allow you to get married when you’re that drunk and have writing all over your face, Nevada’s fault.

Phoebe: Okay, so what do you think ladies? Who wouldn’t be interested? Who wouldn’t want to date him?

Stephanie: Well the divorces don’t bother me, I’d date him. But, not while he’s still married.

Phoebe: Okay, what about you? (Points to Karin) Wouldn’t you want a date?

Karin: Actually, I’m dating at all anymore. See, I figured out that I was only dating guys that were like y’know bad for me, so until I work that out…

Phoebe: (interrupting) Whatever! What about you Meg?

Meg: Well, I don’t care about the divorces either, but I wouldn’t date him. It’s just that he’s obviously still in love with this Rachel girl.

Ross: What?!

Phoebe: (leaning to him) She said, "He’s obviously still in love with this Rachel girl." (He glares at her.)

Ross: This is crazy! I mean, yes-yes Rachel is my good friend and I-I have loved her in the past, but now, she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you-will you help me out here?

Phoebe: Well, I thought you loved her when you-when you married her.

Ross: We were drunk! I would’ve married uh, Joey with that amount of alcohol!

Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!!

Ross: (to the panel) Look, I’m sorry, but you guys are wrong. I just don’t want to be divorced three times.

Phoebe: Yes, and now he’s using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her because he loves her. I must say, "Well done!" Bravo Meg.

Ross: (getting up) Okay! Fine! Fine! If-if this is what you think, forget about the whole three divorce thing! Okay, I-I’ll go to my lawyer’s office right now and get this marriage annulled! Okay?! Because she means nothing to me! Noth—(leans down to Meg’s ear)—Nothing!!

Meg: Okay now I wouldn’t date you because you seem a little creepy.

Karin: I am so attracted to him right now.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are still debating about how to tell Rachel that Chandler’s moving in and she’s moving out.]

Chandler: Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen?

Monica: Soon! I-I just couldn’t before. You saw how upset Joey got! I couldn’t do that to her, she’s my best friend!

Chandler: Well, Joey’s my best friend.

Monica: I’m not your best friend?

Chandler: You just said… Of course you’re my best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though?

Monica: All right, all right, at least I’m prepared.

Chandler: Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches for one.)

Monica: (slapping his hand) Hey!

Chandler: Hey-hey!

Monica: These aren’t for you! Are you upset?

Chandler: I am now!

Rachel: (entering) Hey roomie!

Chandler: Okay, bye! (Exits.)

Monica: Rach, there’s something uh, important I have to tell you.

Rachel: (gasps) Are you pregnant?!

Monica: No! But, I’m throwing this shirt away! I think there was a little misunderstanding before.

Rachel: Um-hmm.

Monica: Umm, when I said that uh, that Chandler and I wanted to umm, live together we meant alone together.

Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God! Oh, that’s funny, I can’t believe I did that.

Monica: Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I wasn’t clear! I’m really sorry. And listen, you take as much time as you need to move out okay? There’s absolutely no rush.

Rachel: Okay. (Sits back and resumes her reading.)

Monica: Okay. Don’t you want a cookie?

Rachel: Sure? (Monica hands her one.) Thanks.

Monica: Maybe, do you need a tissue?

(Rachel mumbles uh-huh and spits the half-eaten cookie out onto the tissue.)

Rachel: Monica, where did you get these?!

Monica: I made them!

Rachel: Ooh, good God, they’re so yummy! (She re-ingests the previously expelled cookie matter from the tissue.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is packing some books and Joey is watching him.]

Joey: God, it’s gonna so weird like when I come home and you’re not here. Y’know? No more Joey and Chan’s. No more J and C’s. "You wanna go over to Joey and Chandler’s?" "Can’t, its not there."

Chandler: Look, I’m just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff.

Joey: Yeah but we won’t be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future.

Chandler: Not once did we do that.

Monica: (entering) Hi.

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hi.

Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us.

Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, how’d she take it?

Monica: Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well. Yeah, she didn’t cry. She wasn’t angry or sad. (Sits down, slightly disgusted.)

Chandler: And you’re upset because you didn’t make your best friend cry?

Monica: I mean, all I’m asking for is just a little emotion! Is that too much to ask after six years?! I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as close as you guys?! I mean do we not have as much fun?! Don’t I deserve a few tears?!! I mean we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out!

Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! It’s like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channie’s!!

Chandler: Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?!

[Scene: Ross’s lawyer’s office, his name is Russell and has just been told by Ross about his current situation.]

Russell: You got married again.

Ross: Yes.

Russell: So that’s your second marriage in two years.

Ross: Yes, second in two years. Third overall.

Russell: Ross, I have been a divorce attorney for 23 years and never had I so much business from one client. Why don’t you tell me what happened.

Ross: Basically, Rachel and I were in Vegas and we got drunk…

Russell: (interrupting) I’m sorry, is this the same Rachel who’s name you said at the altar in the second marriage?

Ross: Yes-yes-yes! But, I-I do not love her.

Russell: Oh, that’s better then.

Ross: This was just a drunken mistake and I need to get it annulled.

Russell: I see. Have you considered therapy?

Ross: I think just the annulment for today.

Russell: There are a couple of forms to fill out.

Ross: Easy.

Russell: And we’ll need to have witnesses who can testify that you were not of uh, sound mind.

Ross: No problem.

Russell: And we’ll need you and Rachel to testify before a judge.

Ross: Ooh! There’s no way to do this without her? ‘Cause I kinda all ready told her uh, it was, it was already taken care of.

Russell: Of course you did. Look Ross, you can’t get an annulment unless you and Rachel are both there.

Ross: Uh-ha, what about someone who looks like Rachel? (Russell glares at him.) I will think about the therapy.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is painting her toe nails as Monica enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hey. So um, I was thinking that maybe we should start dividing up our stuff.

Rachel: Okay!

Monica: Y’know, no point in dragging it out. Dragging out the long process of you moving out and us not living together anymore.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Hey Rach, what about this? (She holds up a chrome 5-point star.) Huh? Who-who gets this? See, I don’t know if I want it because it might be y’know, too many memories!

Rachel: (grabbing the star) What the hell is that?

Monica: I don’t know. (Picks up a big plate from the coffee table.) Hey, Rachel, you want the big plate? I want you to have the big plate.

Rachel: Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate!

Monica: Something to remember me by!

Rachel: Mon, honey you’re not dying. I’m just moving out. Y’know, I mean we’re gonna see each other all the time.

Monica: But still, it’s a big change. The end of an era, you might say!

Rachel: Are you okay? You’re not blinking.

Monica: I’m fine! I just, I’m thinking how much it’s an end of era.

Rachel: Oh, all right. But y’know I gotta say, I don’t, I don’t think six years counts as an era.

Monica: An era is defined as a significant period of time. Now, it was significant to me, maybe it wasn’t significant to you!

Rachel: What is the matter with you?!

Monica: What is the matter with you?!! Why aren’t you more upset?! Aren’t you gonna be sad that we’re not gonna be living together anymore?! I mean aren’t you gonna miss me at all?!

Rachel: All right, fine, but don’t get mad at me. It’s-it’s just a little hard to believe.

Monica: What’s hard to believe?

Rachel: Well y’know, it’s you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Y’know? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess I’m not upset because I don’t see you guys going through with it. I’m sorry.

Monica: Rachel, it’s going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here.

Rachel: But I…

Monica: No-no, wait! Just let me finish, okay? This isn’t something that we just, we just impulsively decided in-in Vegas, this is something we both really want. And it is going to happen.

Rachel: It is? Really?

Monica: Yeah, sweetie.

Rachel: (starting to lose her composure) I mean we’re not, we’re not gonna live together anymore?

Monica: No.

Rachel: What? Oh my God! I’m gonna miss you so much! (Starts to cry.)

Monica: I’m gonna miss you! (They hug.)

Rachel: I mean it’s the end of an era!

Monica: I know!

[Scene: The hallway, Ross is coming up the stairs as Phoebe leaves Joey and Chandler’s.]

Phoebe: (to Joey and Chandler) Okay, bye!

Ross: Oh no.

Phoebe: So? Did you get the annulment?

Ross: I couldn’t.

Phoebe: I knew it! Because you love Rachel.

Ross: It’s not that. Okay? Annulments are more complicated than I…

Phoebe: Yeah, complicated ‘cause of the love.

Ross: I… I do, I do not love Rachel. I’m gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. Okay? Would I do that if I loved her?

Phoebe: I’ve never been more convinced of your love for her.

Ross: I do not have feelings for Rachel! Okay?! (He goes into her apartment.)

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s as Ross walks through the door. Rachel is holding the chrome star and crying.]

Ross: Ohh, what’s wrong?!

Rachel: Monica and Chandler are really moving in here and I have to move out and everything is changing.

Ross: Oh my—Come here! Come here! (He hugs her.) It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay.

Rachel: Thank you.

Ross: Of course.

(Ross suddenly realizes something.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are talking.]

Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up?

Phoebe: Oh we do, but not just yet.

Joey: Really?! Well, when?

Phoebe: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won’t work out.

Joey: Wow.

Phoebe: I know. Then, I’m gonna marry Chandler for the money and you’ll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids.

Joey: Great!

Phoebe: But then we ditch those two and that’s when we get married. We’ll have Chandler’s money and Rachel’s kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel’s drinking problem.

Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?

Phoebe: I don’t want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.

End

The One With Ross’s Denial

Written by: Seth Kurland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!

(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.)

Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?!

Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I wanna ask you something.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, what?

Rachel: Well since I’m movin’ out and-and you’re so beautiful…

Phoebe: Oh!

Rachel: …how about I move in with you?

Phoebe: Well, that would be great but then what do we do about Denise?

Monica: Who’s Denise?

Phoebe: My roommate.

Rachel: You have a roommate?!

Phoebe: Yes, Denise. Denise!

Joey: Hey, what is with the secrecy Phoebe? Huh? And what about this Denise, is she cute?

Chandler: Pheebs, I don’t understand. How can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about?

Phoebe: Maybe because you never listen to anything that I say. I talk about her all the time! DENISE!!!!!

Joey: Hey Rach, listen I was thinkin’ uh, I’m gonna have an extra room over at my place…

Rachel: Oh, that’s true.

Joey: Yeah, why don’t you move in with me? It’ll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies, and you know about Naked Thursday’s right?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah I think I’m gonna find my own place.

Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursday’s was just our thing man!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading a magazine, eating a cookie, and drinking some coffee as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: So, what did Rachel say when you told her you were still married to her?

Ross: Oh, that. Umm, she took it really well.

Phoebe: You didn’t tell her did you?

Ross: No.

Phoebe: Of course not, because you’re in love with her.

Ross: I am not in love with her. She was very upset about having to move out so I eh, didn’t tell her we were still married because she would only get more upset. I-I just comforted her, as a friend.

Phoebe: What do you mean, comforted her?

Ross: It’s nothing, I just gave her a hug.

Phoebe: Ah-ha! A classic sign of love, the hug!

Ross: It’s also a sign of friendship.

Phoebe: Yeah, not in your case Lovey Loverson. (Tries to take a bite out of Ross’s cookie.)

Ross: (grabs back his cookie) It was a hug!

Phoebe: Okay, just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair?

Ross: S-s-smell her hair? What if I did?

Phoebe: Ninety percent of a women’s pheromones come out the top of her head! That’s why, that’s why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love when they hug them! (Ross is staring at her dumbfounded.) Oh come on Ross, you’re a scientist.

Ross: I was hugging her as a friend. It’s not my fault her-her hair got in my face, she’s got a lot of it and it smells all-all uh…coconutty. (Phoebe raises her eyebrows.) What?! Oh, that doesn’t mean I have feelings for Rachel! Maybe it means I have feelings for coconuts!

Phoebe: (taking his coffee) Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful, all right? Rachel’s not in the same place you are.

Ross: (grabbing back his coffee) If the place you are referring too is being in love, then she is in the same place as me because I am not in that place!

Phoebe: Okay, I didn’t understand that, but y’know, maybe that’s ‘cause you were speaking the secret language of love!

(She goes for his magazine and he grabs it away before she reaches it. But she was only using the magazine as a decoy because she grabs his cookie and coffee, takes a bite out of the cookie and drinks some of the coffee.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey! (To Chandler) Dude, some guy just called for you.

Chandler: Who was it?

Joey: I don’t know! How about, "Thanks for taking the message." Jeez! (Exits.)

Monica: Okay listen, y’know when you move in Rachel’s room is gonna be empty, you wanna talk about what we want to do with it?

Chandler: Sure!

Monica: Okay, I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? With a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them all the time! And we could have a roll top desk with comment cards on them so people could say how much they loved staying here!! Okay, whatever, I really haven’t thought about it that much.

Chandler: Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a game room, y’know? I mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big ones!

Monica: No.

Chandler: Okay so you mean no as in, "Gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Let’s discuss it before we reject it completely."

Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Of course I mean that. Interesting idea, umm, talk about it, but no.

Chandler: So, that’s it?

Monica: I just don’t think arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. The beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques.

Chandler: Which is why Asteroids is perfect! It’s the oldest game!

Monica: What do you have against the beautiful guest room?

Chandler: I don’t have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away!

Monica: Are you mocking me?

Chandler: No, I’m not mocking you, (in a mocking voice) or you beautiful guest room. (Exits.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming from across the hall.]

Joey: Hey, what’s up?

Chandler: Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid fight.

Joey: But you’re still moving in together, right? Because my ad came out today. (Shows him the paper.)

Chandler: (reading the ad) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Nice!

Joey: Yeah? I just figured y’know, after living with you it’d be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, y’know? Someone I can learn from, someone-someone who’s different than me. And what’s more different than me; a guy who’s not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? (Points to his head.) Not just a hat rack my friend!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch staring off into space as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Pheebs, I have to ask you…

Phoebe: Shhhhhh! I’m swamped right now.

Rachel: You’re just staring into space.

Phoebe: Umm, I’m trying to move that pencil. (There’s a pencil lying on the table.)

Rachel: This one? (Picks it up.)

Phoebe: It worked!

Rachel: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! Every place I can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at this; (Points to one and starts to read it.) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." It’s just, there is nothing! The city’s full!

Phoebe: Wait, no, look at this! (Points to one.) (Reading) "Two bedroom, two bath, must be non-smoker, Satan worshipers okay…" Oh, yeah, but it’s on the ground floor.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Rach, uh, you still looking for a place?

Rachel: Yeah! Why?

Ross: Okay, there’s this guy, Warren, from the museum and he’s going on a dig for like two years and he’s got this great place he needs to sublet. So uh, you interested?

Rachel: That sounds great! I’d love to live at Warren’s!! I love Warren! Thank you!

Ross: Don’t thank me! If you wanna thank something, thank the volcano that erupted thousands of years ago, killing but perfectly preserving an entire civilization. (Rachel just looks at him.) Here’s Warren’s number.

Rachel: Oh, this is great! I am gonna call him right now! (Jumps up.) Oh, thank you!

(She hugs him and he starts to hug her back but notices the look Phoebe is giving him and pushes her away.)

Ross: Okay, you go grab it!

Phoebe: I saw it.

Ross: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Phoebe: Umm, I’m talking about that which you already know but won’t admit. You love her again; you re-love her!

Ross: Look, I do not re-love her.

Phoebe: I can’t believe you won’t just admit it! (Pause) Okay, just promise me that you won’t do anything stupid.

Ross: Look, we’re just friends now! Okay? Why would I do anything stupid?

Rachel: (returning from calling Warren) Ugh!!! Well, the apartment is already subletted! I mean, this is just hopeless. I’m never gonna find anything.

Ross: You can live with me.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: What?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Oh my God! Are you serious?!

Ross: Uh-huh. (Phoebe grunts.)

Rachel: I would love to live with you Ross; that’s-that’s great! Thank you!

Ross: Well, I’m-I’m just glad I could, y’know, help you out.

Phoebe: Wow! I’m-I’m so happy for you guys. (To Ross) This is so-so, not stupid.

Rachel: Ross-Ross, you have no idea what this means to me! I mean, I mean I was gonna be homeless. You just saved me! You’re my hero!

Ross: Hero, I uh, I don’t know—well, all right.

Rachel: Oh, I have to go tell Monica what a wonderful brother she has! (Kisses him on the cheek and exits.)

Ross: Oh please! (He sits down.) (To Phoebe) You’re gonna say things now, aren’t ya?

Phoebe: No. No, I won’t. But I should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didn’t love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! And that’s how she ended up living with me! (Ross looks at her.) (Pause) Okay, that’s a lie.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hi.

Monica: Hi.

Chandler: Hi, listen, I’m sorry about before. I don’t need to have a game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldn’t get girls, and now I can ‘em—Now, I have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see women…

Monica: Stop it Chandler. (Chandler is relieved) I’m sorry too.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Yeah! Oh yes!

Chandler: Ohh.

Monica: Listen, we don’t have to make that a guest room, we can think of something to do with the room together.

Chandler: That’s a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.

Monica: Totally!

(They start thinking.)

Chandler: We don’t have to come up with this now.

Monica: Oh good.

Chandler: Hey, y’know what? Why don’t we think about changes we can make in the living room?

Monica: Changes?

Chandler: Yeah, I mean we’re gonna have to move around some furniture to make room for my chair. (Kisses her and heads into the living room.)

Monica: You’re-you’re-you’re gonna bring the Barca Lounger over here?

Chandler: Is that a problem?

Monica: Well, it’s a set and they should probably stay together.

Chandler: Oh, that’s cool. Then I’ll just bring them both over.

Monica: See now-now you’re taking them away from their home.

Chandler: Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing! Nothing here is mine! Everything here is yours! I’ll get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work!

Monica: Yeah-yeah, y’know what? Yeah, that’s it-that’s it, everything will be mine! Nothing will be yours! That’s-that’s what I said! Oh come on, Chandler! I’m talking about the barca lounger! It just, it doesn’t match! Where is it gonna go?!

Chandler: In the game room!

Monica: Look it is not my fault that your chairs are incredibly ugly!

Chandler: All right! That’s fine! That’s fine! I won’t bring over the chairs! I won’t bring anything over! I wouldn’t want to ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma’s place!! (Storms out.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is interviewing a potential roommate. And yes, she’s a female, non-smoker and very non-ugly.]

Joey: (exiting from Chandler’s room with the new roommate) Everything on your application looks really good—Ohh! Just one last question umm, are you and your friends gonna be over here all the time like partying and hanging out?

The Potential Roommate: Oh don’t worry, I’m not really a party girl.

Joey: Whoa!! Now look, don’t be just blurtin’ stuff out. I want you to really think about your answers. Okay?

Chandler: (entering) You can call off the roommate search! (To the potential roommate) Hi! I’ll be living here. (Heads for the bathroom.)

Joey: Oh don’t listen to him, he’s just some guy who really wants the apartment, but I don’t think he’s gonna get it.

Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain down?

Joey: That thing was a hazard! (To the potential roommate) I’m very safety conscious.

[Scene: Ross’s Apartment, Rachel is entering and Ross is making some room on the shelves for his stuff.]

Rachel: Hey!

Ross: Hey! Oh listen, I was just clearing some space for your stuff.

Rachel: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at Monica’s and she and Chandler had a big fight and they’re not moving in.

Ross: What do you mean, they’re not moving in? They-they’re still moving in right?

Rachel: No-no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room.

Ross: What?! Over a stupid room!

Rachel: Yeah, I feel kinda bad for them, but I’m also really psyched ‘cause I don’t have to move in here!

Ross: Oh no, yeah no, that part’s great!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering, dragging Chandler, to mediate the argument between Chandler and Monica.]

Ross: What’s all this about you guys fighting?! Is this really over a room?! I mean, that is so silly!

Monica: Ross, we can handle this.

Ross: Well, apparently not, and I can’t just stand by and watch two people I care about very much be hurt over something that is so silly. I mean, enough of the silliness!

Chandler: Well, why don’t you tell her to stop being silly! (Monica mocks him and he joins in.)

Ross: (stopping them) Okay-okay! Two very good points, look I’ve known you both a long time, and I’ve never seen either of you one/millionth as happy as you’ve been since you’ve got together. Do you really want to throw that all away over a room? That is so silly. Now wh-what is more important, love or silliness?

Chandler: Well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for the love.

Monica: Love is the best medicine.

Chandler: That’s laughter.

Monica: Why do you do it?

Chandler: I don’t know.

Ross: Okay! All right! Now, Chandler you-you wanna live with Monica, right?

Chandler: Yeah, I do.

Ross: And Mon, you wanna live with Chandler, don’t ya?

Monica: Yes.

Ross: (jumping up) Good! A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York! (Storms out.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at the counter waiting for Gunther, yep Gunther’s back, to refill her coffee.]

Gunther: So I understand you’re looking for a place.

Rachel: No-no, I’m staying put.

Gunther: Oh, I was going to offer you my apartment.

Rachel: Why, where are you going?

Gunther: I don’t know.

Ross: (entering) Hey Rach!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: You’re never gonna believe it uh, Monica and Chandler are moving in again. That’s great news right—I mean for them. Right?

Rachel: Oh wow.

Ross: Yeah but, on the bright side, we get to be roommates again.

Rachel: Yeah. Y’know umm, uh, umm, about that, umm, Ross I really appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything, but don’t you think it’s gonna be weird?

Ross: Wh-why?! Why-why-why would it, why would it be weird?

Rachel: Well, because of us! Because of our history.

Ross: No!

Rachel: No?

Ross: No! No! It would be weird if we were still in that place, I mean are you still in that place?

Rachel: No! Not at all!

Ross: Good! Me neither! So it’s not a problem. We’re just two friends who happen to be roommates.

Rachel: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating.

Ross: Really?! We are?

Rachel: Yeah! I’m gonna have a boyfriend, you’re gonna have a girlfriend…

Ross: Ohh! That would be great.

Rachel: But y’know what, if you think it’s gonna be okay we’ll just work out a system. Y’know, it’ll be like college, I’ll hang a hanger on the door and put a sign, "Come back later, I’m gettin’ lucky." (Laughs.)

Ross: (laughs as well, but for a different reason) Yeah, I didn’t think of that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is once again being dragged in by Ross so he that he can try to manipulate the situation so that it’s best for Ross, not necessarily what’s best for Monica and Chandler.]

Ross: So are you sure about this whole moving in thing?! I mean it’s a really big step! And-and what’s the rush?!

(They both start laughing at him.)

Monica: That’s very funny!

Chandler: He’s being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness!

Ross: No, I-I-I’m serious, okay? I mean, think about it. You move in, you start fighting over stupid game rooms, next thing y’know you break up!

Monica: Ross, you were right before, it was just a stupid fight about a room.

Ross: Okay, there are no stupid fights!! This isn’t about the room, this is about what the room…represents! And unfortunately, this room (Points to Rachel’s room) could destroy you!!

Chandler: Yeah, I'm not so worried.

Monica: Yeah, no, me neither.

Ross: Fine! It’s your life! (Starts to storm out mad about his failed attempt at the manipulation of his best friend and sister, but stops and tries one last time.) I just don’t want to see you guys break up! Which you will do if you move in together, (Monica and Chandler just stare at him.) but that’s what you want, there’s nothing I can do. (Opens the door and tries one more time.) DON’T DO IT!!!!! (Finally leaves.)

Monica: You still want to move in together right?

Chandler: Of course!

Monica: Ross didn’t scare you?

Chandler: Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him.

Monica: Come here, I want to show you something!

Chandler: Okay!

(They run to the living room where Monica has moved the chair back (Towards the step), the coffee table forward (Towards the TV), and taped a square outline on the floor.)

Chandler: Oh my God! Someone’s killed Square Man!

Monica: This is where I thought the barca lounger could go! You see you could see the TV and it’s still walking distance to the kitchen.

Chandler: Oh that’s so sweet! I want to show you something too!

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Y’know those big-big uh, road signs that say "Merge?"

Monica: Uh-hmm.

Chandler: Y’know? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. Because, that’s you and I together! Merge!

Monica: Oh my God! I love that!

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: Uh, no!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song. Yep, the first new Phoebe song of season six, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are also there.]

Phoebe: (singing) I found you in my bed!

How’d you whined up there?

You are a mystery!

Little black curly hair!

Little black curly hair!

Little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly hair…………

(Applause.)

Phoebe: Now if you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

Ross: (To Rachel) So umm, where are the other guys?

Rachel: Umm, well let’s see Monica and Chandler are occupied.

Ross: Fighting?!

Rachel: No, the other thing. I really think it’s great they work things out.

Ross: Yeah. There’s no breaking them up, is there?

Rachel: Hey, can I borrow the key to your house so I can run across the street and make a copy?

Ross: Sure! Here. (Hands her his keys.)

Rachel: Thank you. (Gets up) Now are you sure? Because once I make a copy, there’s no turning back.

Ross: Yeah, I’m-I’m sure. (Deadpan) Yeah, get out of here before I change my mind. (She exits)

Joey: Umm, listen, Ross do you really think this moving in with Rachel is a good idea?

Ross: I’ve been back and forth.

Joey: Yeah well, maybe you should go back! Okay? Rachel moves in, and before you know it you’re right where you don’t want to be! Back together!

Ross: Ehh, I don’t, I don’t think so. She’s already talked about y’know, dating other guys.

Joey: That’s not gonna work out! Then she’s gonna come home all weepy and you’ll be tellin’ her, "Oh that’s okay. You’ll find someone." And then, bamn! She finds you!

Ross: Yeah, well, m-maybe you’re right.

Joey: I am telling you Ross, she is definitely gonna fall in love with you again! Now, is that what you want?

Ross: Is that what I want?

Phoebe: (on the microphone, accidentally) Yes.

(Rachel enters.)

Joey: Here she comes. Hold on, I’m gonna make your life much easier.

Rachel: All right, well the place was closed. I’ll just copy it later.

Joey: Or not. Uh, Rach, why don’t you just move in with me? (Rachel sighs.)

Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, Joey!

Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no… It’s okay, I mean I—look Rach, I know I scared you off with that whole Naked Thursday’s thing, but we don’t have to do that!

Rachel: Well, it would be easier to move just right across the hall. Wait a minute, unless you’re thinking about Naked Wednesday’s.

Joey: Thursday’s clearly not good for ya, pick a day!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey has The Potential Roommate back for another interview.]

Joey: (opening the door to The Potential Roommate) Hi!

The Potential Roommate: Hi!

Joey: Come in. Thanks for comin’ back, umm, okay there have been a lot of people interested in the room, but I have narrowed it down and you are one of the finalists!

The Potential Roommate: Great!

Joey: Okay now, before I make my final decision I uh, I just want to make sure our personalities match. Okay, so I made up a little test. Now, I’m gonna say a word and then you say the first thing that comes to mind.

The Potential Roommate: I can do that.

Joey: Okay! Here we go. Pillow.

The Potential Roommate: Fight.

Joey: Very good! Okay. G.

The Potential Roommate: String?

Joey: Excellent! Okay umm, doggy.

The Potential Roommate: Kitten?

Joey: Ooh, sorry! No-no-no, so close though, but—bye-bye! (He ushers her out the door.)

End

The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is packing her belongings to move to Ross’s. She’s standing in the kitchen.]

Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine?

Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of the freezer door.)

Rachel: And?

Monica: And it’s a magnet!

Rachel: Look at that!

Ross: How weird is that? Y’know? You’re moving in with me and have the one thing I don’t have. It’s like uh, in a way you-you complete me (Phoebe glares at him) kitchen.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: (in an Australian accent) You complete me kitchen, matey!

Phoebe: Ross, I know what you’re thinking.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: That she’s gonna move in with you and maybe then she’ll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you’re already married, she’ll just be happy. Y’know? You’re just, you’re very sad.

Ross: Oh…my…God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel!

Phoebe: What?!!

Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you’re obsessed with her. It’s always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her!

Phoebe: No! (Ross’s phone rings.)

Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell. (On phone) Hello?

[Cut to the living room where Monica is helping pack a box.]

Monica: Hey Rach, aren’t these candlesticks (holds up a pair) mine?

Rachel: No-no, I bought those.

Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot.

Rachel: Yeah. (Rachel walks away.)

Monica: (under her breath) That you’re a liar. (Hides the candlesticks in a drawer.)

Ross: (on phone) No-no-no, that’s great! I’ll be there Monday. And thank you again! (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) (To All) Umm, that was the head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U!

Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say?

Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it.

Rachel: Well, who wouldn’t?!

Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it’s temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? "Professor Geller."

Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs.

Rachel: And Mrs.?!

Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, y’know you and Ross are still married.

Rachel: What?!!

Phoebe: Just kidding!

Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! (Laughs her way into the living room.)

Phoebe: (To Ross) Saved your ass.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.]

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hi.

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Oh, what’s the matter?

Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see?

Chandler: Yeah?

Phoebe: Well, she told me that I’m gonna die this week, so I’m kinda bummed about that.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don’t know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get.

Monica: Phoebe that’s crazy!

Joey: I can’t believe she would say that too you.

Rachel: Yeah honey you don’t believe her do you?

Phoebe: I don’t—she said y’know that I’d have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black.

Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you’re gonna go?

Phoebe: No, ‘cause she didn’t tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I’ve only got a week left, y’know? I’ve really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and starts reading.)

Ross: (entering) Hey everyone!

Chandler: Oh hi!

Ross: Hey uh, well, today’s my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind?

(They pause to think about it.)

All: Oh that’d be great. Sure!

Ross: (he starts reading directly from his cards word for word very quietly) "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct…"

Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what’s gonna kill me.

Ross: (continuing) "…subcategories. The first of these subcategories is…"

Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?

Ross: No! Why?

Joey: Well, I’ve just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn’t have naked chicks on it.

Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into…"

Chandler: Why don’t you open with a joke?

Ross: Open with a joke? It’s a university, not a comedy club!

Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not talking about Chuckles University?!

Ross: (gets up) Okay!

All: Ohh! We’re kidding! Oh, we’re kidding!

Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring?

Ross: Thank you!

Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides.

Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y’know what’s a good visual aide?

Ross: Please don’t say naked chicks.

Joey: Why not?!

Ross: I-I-I don’t even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y’know what? I’m just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks.

Chandler: That’s the way I did it ‘til I was 19.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.]

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey! Any good mail?

Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor’s Guild.

Joey: Ooh, it’s probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, I’m kinda….

Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed."

Joey: Hmm that’s weird. I don’t remember being in a move called benefits lapsed.

Chandler: Okay, it’s not a check. They’re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn’t work enough last year.

Joey: Let me see that!

Chandler: All right.

Joey: (reads it) Oh, I can’t believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y’know? And it wouldn’t matter. Now I gotta be careful?!

Chandler: I’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fire.

Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I’m gonna go see my agent.

Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.

Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) …look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe enters to find Rachel still packing.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey Pheebs, you’re still alive! How are you doing?

Phoebe: Ugh, it’s so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could—(Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes open and her tongue hanging out.)

Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing?

Phoebe: I was preparing you for my—didn’t you think I was dead? Did that not come off?

Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we’d lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down?

Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y’know if you can.

(Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in and as Monica walks out of her room.)

Rachel: Monica!

Monica: Hmm? (Rachel holds up the candlesticks.)

Rachel: Did-did you take these back?

Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself.

Rachel: Oh yeah, they’re really great! Aren’t they?

Monica: I loved them!

Rachel: Yeah. (Monica walks away) Nice try! (Rachel puts them in a box.)

Ross: (entering) Hello!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: How’d the lecture go?

Ross: It went great! And I didn’t need any jokes or naked chicks either!

Rachel: Wow, that’s great Ross, I’m sorry we weren’t more supportive before.

Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone’s all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I’m gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler.

Monica: That you’re not funny or sexy?

Ross: That’s right!

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.]

Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen…

Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!

Joey: What are you talkin’ about? I never left you! You’ve always been my agent!

Estelle: Really?!

Joey: Yeah!

Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul.

Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance.

Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control.

Joey: Why?

Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town.

Joey: Bastard!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and I’ll have my health insurance back in no time.

Chandler: That’s great, but shouldn’t you be on the toilet right now?

Joey: What?!

Chandler: What’s wrong with you?

Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious.

Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you go to the doctor!

Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.)

Chandler: That’s a hernia.

Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!

[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but are there early.]

Rachel: Well, we’re a little early, the lecture doesn’t end for 15 minutes.

Monica: Yeah, but y’know we could sneak in and watch.

Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There’s some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. (to them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To Monica) Wow, we really are bitches.

(They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some unknown reason.)

Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when—(sees Monica and Rachel.) Oh bloody hell.

Commercial Break

[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.]

Monica: What the hell are you doing?!

Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out.

Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one.

Ross: Will you-will you please?

(Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.)

The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I’m a professor in the paleontology department here.

Ross: Oh.

The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?

Ross: (in his British accent) I’m sorry, I’ve got plans with my sister.

Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr. (She rolls her ‘R’)

Ross: (in accent) Right, will you excuse us for one moment? (Takes Monica aside.) (In his normal voice.) What are you doing?

Monica: (normal voice) Oh, you can have an accent and I can’t?! (To an exiting student in accent.) Top ‘O the morning to ya laddies!

Ross: Just please stop!

(They turn back to Rachel and Professor Rathman.)

Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]

Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!

Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it’s getting darker and more painful, that means it’s healing.

Chandler: I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let’s just get that thing…pushed back in.

Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don’t want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: What’s going on?

Chandler: Oh Joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix!

Joey: Look, I’m telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here (He puts his hand down his pants, like Al Bundy on Married…With Children always used to do.) it doesn’t hurt that bad.

Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you’ll die!

Joey: Sure, now I’m scared.

Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just don’t wait too long though, okay? ‘Cause I’m outta here sometime before Friday.

Joey: Yeah, but I don’t wanna die!

Phoebe: No-no, it’ll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are having a tug-of-war over the disputed candlesticks.]

Monica: Gimme ‘em!

Rachel: No! They are mine!

Monica: You stole them from me!

Rachel: You stole them from me!!

Monica: Gimme them!

(With one last mighty tug the combatants lose their grip and split, each holding one candlestick.)

Monica: You just wanna each take one?

Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them.

Ross: (entering) Look, I really need some help, okay? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent?! What do I do?

Rachel: Well…

Monica: Why don’t you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people will think you’re, y’know, that you’re adjusting to life in America.

Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they’re probably not even listening!

Ross: They’re not listening too me?

Rachel: Of course they’re listening to you! Everybody listens to you.

Ross: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing?

Monica: I think you look fine.

[Scene: Casting Director #1’s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]

Casting Director #1: Whenever you’re ready.

Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. "Hey, Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you."

Casting Director #1: Hold it. I’m sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less…intense?

Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll just—hold on one second. (He turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you!"

Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!

(Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to intense pain.)

[Scene: Casting Director #2’s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]

Joey: So that’s why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today! (He turns, looks at the bag and realizes he won’t be able to pick it up.)

Casting Director #2: That’s where you pick up the bag.

Joey: Exactly.

Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.

Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. (She just looks at him.) I didn’t get it, did I?

Casting Director #2: No.

Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves)

[Scene: Casting Director #3’s office, Joey is entering.]

Joey: Hi. I’m Joey Tribbiani; I’m here to audition for (Groans) man.

Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?

Joey: Yes!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are playing phone pranks on Ross.]

Monica: Okay, come on, do it one more time!

Rachel: Really? Really?!

Monica: Yes!

Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts dialing.) (In an Irish accent) "Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, we’d like you to come on board with us full time! (Hangs up.)

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I’m not going die!

Rachel: Really?! How do you know?

Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She must’ve read the cards wrong!

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry.

Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let’s bake cookies!

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part of dying man and is now able to play the role he was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him in.]

Chandler: Listen, I’m really glad you got the part.

Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank you.

Chandler: But are you sure you can do this?

Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower.

(Chandler steps away quickly.)

Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?!

Joey: (to the director) Hiya!

The Director: Hey Joey, we’re ready for ya! (Joey stumbles over) Joey, this is Alex he’s going to be playing your son.

Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)

The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of your Momma son," that’s your cue to cry. Got it? (Alex nods yes.) All right, let’s do this.

(Joey lies down on the gurney.)

A Crew Member: (with that board thingy) Scene 5, take 1.

The Director: And Action!

Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex just looks at him and the director motions for him to continue so he tries it again.) "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex does nothing.) "Come on son! Your Momma’s good people!"

The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you’re supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?

Alex: Okay.

The Director: All right, from the top.

A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2.

[Time lapse.]

A Crew Member: Take 36 is up!

The Director: All right! Let’s try this again! You ready Joe?

Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action?

The Director: Uh sure.

Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.)

The Director: Action!

Joey: (he stops screaming at action) "Take good care of your Momma son." (Again Alex does nothing.)

The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)

(Chandler decides to help out.)

Chandler: I’m sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don’t you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel is unpacking as the phone rings.]

Rachel: (answering it) Hello?

Russell: (Ross’s divorce lawyer.) Hello, is Ross there?

Rachel: Uh no, he’s not. Can I take a message?

Russell: Yes, this Russell, Ross’s divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I haven’t heard from him, I assume he’s decided to give the marriage a try.

Rachel: Ross got married again—Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!

[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Ross is trying to phase out his accent.]

Ross: (in his head) All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without out re-testing the results in the laboratory (pronounced the British way) the team would never have identified (British) the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis (British). Were there any questions at this point? (One student raises his hand.) Yes. (Points to him.)

A Student: What’s happening to your accent?

Ross: (British) Come again? What’s-what’s this nonsense? (Giggles.) (American.) All right, I’m-I’m not English. I’m from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just uh, just came out. I’m sorry. So, if we could just get back to the lecture. Umm, were there any questions? (Everyone raises their hands) About paleontology. (They all put their hands down.) All right, look I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I’m-I’m hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression…

(At this moment Rachel bursts through the door. Needless to say, she’s not in the best of moods having just found out Ross’s dirty little secret.)

Rachel: Ross!! Are you crazy?! I am still your wife!! What, were you just never gonna tell me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!!!! Ugh, I could just kill you!!!!

Ross: (in the accent again) Well, hello Rachel!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a football helmet; and apparently, in a rather disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to beat him senseless. (Luckily it isn’t a long trip.) Because he’s made a miraculous recovery from his hernia and wants to take advantage of all those free surgeries he can get now since he’s re-established his health insurance.]

Phoebe: Have you really done this before?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, don’t hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey-hey-hey!

Chandler: What are you doing?

Phoebe: We’re just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back.

Chandler: Oh, all right.

(Decided that they are less than human as well, Chandler picks up a golf club and Monica a frying pan, to join in on the fun of beating their good friend to within an inch of his life!)

End

The One With Joey’s Porsche

Written by: Perry Rein & Gigi McCreery

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there except for Rachel and Ross, who both come storming in. Rachel is still going off about Ross’s secret marriage.]

Rachel: I cannot believe that you didn’t tell me that we are still married!!

Ross: Look I was going to tell you!

Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! (To All) Ross didn’t get the annulment; we are still married.

Chandler: What?

Monica: You’re kidding!

Phoebe: (overdoing it) Oh my God!!

Monica: Ross!

Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn’t my best decision. But I just couldn’t face another failed marriage.

Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?

Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, it’s actually kinda funny. (He laughs, and he laughs alone.) Okay, maybe it’s best not to think about it.

Phoebe: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core!

Ross: Phoebe, I told her you already knew.

Phoebe: Another lie. You have a sickness!

Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you’re not married to anymore of us are ya?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.]

Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcriber’s note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, I’d have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey Gunther, these yours?

Gunther: Yeah, that’s what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years!

Joey: Na-uh! (To everyone there) Hey did anybody lose their keys?

Monica: Joey, why don’t you put them in the lost and found?

Joey: There’s a lost and found? (Gunther sets the box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.)

Chandler: You left a shoe here?!

Joey: Well, I didn’t realize until I got home. I wasn’t gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Y’know what? I’m gonna go find that guy’s car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)

Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I’ll be sure to give him your shoe.

Joey: Great! Thanks. (Exits.)

Phoebe: (coming in from the bathroom) Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?!

Monica: Oh my God, what a fun day! That sounds great!

Chandler: (not enthused) Yeah, all right.

Phoebe: Okay, well I’ll bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, they’re not actually puppies, they’re Frank and Alice’s triplets. Okay, see ya! (Exits.)

Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What?

Phoebe: (stops) Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Please! Frank and Alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and I’m nervous ‘cause I’ve never done that before by myself!

Monica: Don’t worry about it Phoebe, we’ll absolutely do it.

Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna pass. ‘Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies.

Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! It’ll give us great practice for when—(realizes what she’s about to say and changes)—people with babies come to visit.

[Scene: The street down the block from Central Perk, Joey has found the Porsche and is writing the note.]

Guy #1: Nice car!

Joey: Yeah, it’s not mine.

Woman: (walking up) I love your car.

Joey: Yeah, it’s (looks up and sees the woman) mine.

Woman: I bet it’s fast.

Joey: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do you like leather seats?

Woman: Yeah!

Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) It’s got ‘em!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are having tea.]

Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross’s, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now.

Phoebe: What about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while, I don’t have a roommate.

Rachel: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs.

Phoebe: Maybe you could be my roommate!

Rachel: Well there’s an idea!!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: That would be great! Wait, how long is Denise gone for?

Phoebe: Umm, she said she’d be back December 26th.

Rachel: December 26th, huh maybe she’s Santa Clause.

(Phoebe laughs, then stops to think about it. Ross enters.)

Rachel: (deadpan) Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye.

Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I’ll take care of everything.

Rachel: Well sure, if you say you’re gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All right, now I’m gonna do this my way and I don’t want to hear a peep out of you!

Ross: Okay Rach, but…

Rachel: Op! You’re peeping!

(Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he was trying to hand her.)

Rachel: Ross! Y’know what, I just got—why? Why did you do this?!

Ross: Look I told you…

Rachel: I don’t wanna hear "Three failed marriages!"

Ross: Look, if you’d had two failed marriages, you’d understand!

Rachel: Well, y’know what? Thanks to you I’m half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I don’t think I have ever been this angry!

Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break?

Rachel: Ugh! (Stares at him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.]

Monica: Pheebs, how’s it going?

Phoebe: (rapidly) I’m doing okay. I think it’s going well. Do you think they’re having fun? Am I talking to fast?

Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, it’s going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler.

Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. It’s times like these I’m glad Smell-O-Vision hasn’t been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When you’re done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)

Phoebe: Na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies.

Chandler: See that’s where I think that you’re wrong. We’ve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.

Monica: What do you mean?

Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y’know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around… (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.)

Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping.

Chandler: Okay, I’m a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.

[Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes, Chandler adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts the diaper on.]

Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.

Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey babies! Oh, I’m having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche I’ve got the keys too, still there!

Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys.

Joey: You should see the treatment I get when I’m with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments.

Chandler: What equity investments?

Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they’re gonna start to think that I don’t own it. So I figured I’ll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?

Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound.

Chandler: You don’t even have a car!

Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it.

Chandler: And?

Monica: And six others.

Chandler: There you are.

[Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.]

Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130.

Guy #2: Wow!

Joey: And that’s just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.

Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate?

Joey: Sure!

Guy #2: Well, I’ll see you later.

Joey: Okay, take it easy.

The Porsche Owner: Hey! That’s my car.

Joey: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it.

The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing?

Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now I’m just polishing her up.

The Porsche Owner: But it’s my car!

Joey: Yeah, but it’s my wax.

The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I don’t come to this city much so I don’t know if you’re crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys.

Joey: Sure. Here. (He hands them over.) I’ll uh, save your parking spot.

The Porsche Owner: I’m not coming back.

Joey: Why not?

The Porsche Owner: I live upstate.

Joey: Yeah, so did I.

(The guy gets in and drives off.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the triplets are all in their crib as Monica and Phoebe watch them.]

Phoebe: I don’t know why I was so nervous about this. And I don’t know why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is so easy.

Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime that’s the same.

Chandler: (entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.)

Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someone’s eye out!

Chandler: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!

Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, that’s just gonna mess them up.

Chandler: They’re not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!

Phoebe: What?!

Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.)

Phoebe: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep.

Monica: Oh it’s so cute. I wonder what age it is when you stop being able to put both legs over your head.

Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that.

Monica: How are you still single?!

Chandler: (entering) All right. (Clears throat) I thought about it and maybe you’re right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy.

Monica: Good. What made you change your mind?

Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun.

Phoebe: How did that happen?!!

Chandler: Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y’know? And it turns out I was wrong. And now it’s lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.)

Monica: Damnit! Y’know this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.)

[Scene: A judge’s chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers.]

Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment?

Rachel: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out.

Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.

Ross: Fine, I’m mentally unstable.

Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.

Ross: Crack isn’t even an intravenous drug!

Rachel: Well, you would know.

Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage?

Ross: Oh, come on!

Rachel: (starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the magazines!

Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you’re gay and addicted to heroin.

Ross: Okay, I’m sorry, this is insane! I-I-I’m not addicted to heroin, I’m not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything! Look, I’ll consummate this marriage right here, right now!

Judge: That won’t be necessary.

Ross: And when we were dating we consummated like bunnies!

Rachel: Ugh!

Judge: Now if you were two involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem.

Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! (To the stenographer) And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record?

Judge: Is there, anything in this record that is actually true?

Rachel: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think.

Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two certainly don’t qualify for an annulment. If you two don’t want to be together you’ll have to file for divorce.

Ross: (stands up) That’s great! Are you happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form!

Rachel: (stands up as well) What?! Me?! What about you and your consummated like bunnies nonsense!

Ross: And what—(notices the stenographer is still typing)—What are you typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We don’t get the annulment. Don’t type that! What?! Stop typing! (He goes over to where the stenographer is typing and in the process pushes Rachel out of his way.) Hey! Stop typing! (He’s still typing.) Stop typing! Stop typing!!

Rachel: (to the judge) Okay, do you see, do you see what you’re keeping me married too?!

Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.

Rachel: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one!

Ross: Yeah!

Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?

Rachel: And thank you for your time. (They both beat a hasty retreat.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is still doing the hairball thing as Monica and Phoebe are watching the babies. I can’t describe it, you’ll have to see it when it comes on in your area.]

Joey: (entering wearing nothing but Porsche clothes) So the Porsche guy took his car back.

Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?

Joey: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.

Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because you’re wearing the clothes?

Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn’t have the car! Right?

Chandler: That is true.

Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.

Joey: Oh, I’ve been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche. (Starts to leave.)

Monica: Joey, you know you don’t actually have one.

Joey: Come on! What are you doing?! I’m in character! Would you talk to her! (Storms out.)

Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. It’s really poking me.

Monica: All right, that’s it, we’re going to the emergency room.

Phoebe: What?! No, you can’t, you can’t leave me here with them! We’re baby-sitting!

Monica: The babies are asleep, I’m sure you’ll be okay on your own for a while!

Phoebe: But you-you can’t leave me with them! We-we’re a team! We’re playing a zone! They’re gonna triple team me!

Monica: He’s got something plastic lodged in his throat, we’ve got to go to the hospital.

Phoebe: But no, because a doctor won’t be able to help him, it’s just gonna y’know naturally pass through his system in like seven years.

Chandler: I think that’s gum.

Phoebe: I’m pretty sure it’s gun.

Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Let’s go.

Phoebe: A real man wouldn’t just run to the hospital! (They don’t stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.)

[Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.]

Joey: Why isn’t that valet back with my Porsche?

Passerby: Maybe because you’ve got the keys?

Joey: (to women passing him) Porsche.

(Ross and Rachel approach, they’re still yelling at each other.)

Rachel: This is totally your fault!

Ross: My fault?! You threatened the judge!

Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter’s machine!!

Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!

Joey: Hi! How are the Gellers?

Rachel: Don’t call us that! (Storms away)

Ross: The judge wouldn’t let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.)

Joey: Hey! It’s Porsche!! (He’s right y’know.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is being triple teamed.]

Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, I’m gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, I’ll set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? ‘Cause let’s face it, we’re at Monica’s. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, that’s just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you can’t answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, you’re a lot mischievous! Well, it’ll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and sister now—who aren’t there! (They both have disappeared as well.)

[Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good for Phoebe! The only problem is, Monica’s apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, fire, brimstone, hail, and giant man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place apart. Needless to say, it’s messy enough to cause Monica to die of shock right away. Parents with small children know what I’m talking about.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: (exhausted) How do you feel?

Chandler: Well, let’s just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours.

Phoebe: Okay, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself! I fed ‘em, bathed ‘em, and put ‘em to bed.

Chandler: And protected them from a tornado?

(Monica enters and her jaw drops in horror.)

Monica: Oh my God.

Phoebe: I know, the babies are asleep.

Monica: Phoebe, what, what happened here?!

Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself!

Monica: But my apartment!

Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebe’s triumph.

Monica: But the mess!

Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.

Monica: You’re right, you’re right I shouldn’t freak out. ‘Cause this is what will happen when you and I have babies! When will that be?!

Chandler: (pause) Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!!

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is packing what she still has over there as Ross enters.]

Rachel: (deadpan) Oh honey thank God you’re home, I was getting worried.

Ross: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, I’ve already signed everything and I put little ‘X’s where you need to sign.

Rachel: Oh, little ‘X’s! Great! That makes up for everything!

Ross: Y’know, I-I—you’ve done a lot of stupid stuff too! Okay?

Rachel: Oh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one!

Ross: Okay, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding! Ah, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married!

Rachel: Hey! Wait a minute! That was different! I did those things because I was in love with you!

Ross: Yeah! Right!

(Pause.)

Ross: You’re right. That’s very different. So let’s, let’s just sign the papers. All right? (Sits down and Rachel keeps standing there.) What?

Rachel: Nothing. (Sits down.)

Ross: Okay, can we just sign please?

Rachel: Uh-hmm. (Just as Rachel finishes signing her name, Ross yanks each page out of the way.)

Ross: Congratulations. (Gets up to leave.)

Rachel: Okay Ross, we’re—wait a minute. Umm, I uh, I kinda have a little confession.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Well, y’know this whole marriage thing, kinda my idea.

Ross: Excuse me?

Rachel: Well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married?

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: And uh, yeah, I didn’t really, I didn’t want to say anything, but it kinda it just, it kinda kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we were in the casino and for some reason thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So as a, as a compromise we decided first to get married, and then (Ross joins in) to eat a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us into this mess.

Ross: So then if-if—I mean if you think about it, this is all (Pause.) your fault.

Rachel: Yeah, don’t push it though.

Ross: I’ve got to say; I know I divorce a lot of women, never thought I would be divorcing you.

Rachel: I know. I always thought if you and I got married, it would be the one that stuck. And it wouldn’t be a secret, and we wouldn’t have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. (They both laugh.)

Ross: Did I, did I even treat?

Rachel: No, it was on the house, it was, it was a newlywed special.

Ross: That may be the most depressing thing I’ve heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyer’s office.

Rachel: Hey, thanks Ross, for taking care of all of this.

Ross: Eh, no problem.

(They hug.)

Rachel: I’m gonna need a copy of those.

Ross: Totally. (Exits.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]

Joey: Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche!

Woman: (the same one from before approaches) Hi Joey.

Joey: Hey! How you doin’?

Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!

Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)

End

The One The Last Night

Written by: Scott Silveri

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

Directed by: David Schwimmer (Yeah, that David Schwimmer.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is balancing a mini hockey stick on his hand as Chandler enters from his room carrying a bunch of bills.]

Chandler: (watches Joey for a moment) Okay! (Joey quickly moves the hockey stick so that he’s scratching his back with it.) Listen, I’m gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent.

Joey: Right! And when is that due?

Chandler: First of the month.

Joey: And that’s every month?

Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.

Joey: Ahhh.

Chandler: Okay, here is the phone bill. (Hands it to Joey.)

Joey: (looking at it) Oh my God!!

Chandler: That’s our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don’t I just—why don’t I just cover you for a while?

Joey: No-no! No way! Joey Tribbiani does not take charity…anymore.

Chandler: It’s not charity, Joe…

Joey: No! Forget it! Okay—I mean thanks, but I’m done taking money from you. All right, I can take of myself. Now, what’s next? Come on.

Chandler: Okay uh, here’s the electric bill. (Hands it to him.)

Joey: This is how much we pay for electric?!!!

Chandler: Uh, yeah.

(Joey runs over and shuts off the lights.)

Chandler: So, we’ll do the rest of the bills later then?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about trying to give Joey some money.]

Phoebe: So is Joey going to have to give up the apartment?

Chandler: No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn’t take it.

Phoebe: Well, how much do you think he needs?

Chandler: I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y’know? But I have to trick him into taking it so I won’t hurt his pride.

Phoebe: Why don’t you hire him as an actor? You could have him dress up and put on little skits. Whatever you want.

Chandler: Well that would help the pride thing.

Monica: (entering from her room) Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow?

Monica: (thinks) Okay.

Chandler: Okay! (They kiss) So, what do you girls have planned for tonight?

Monica: Well, instead of being sad that tonight is my last night together with Rachel we thought we’d go out to dinner and celebrate the fact that Rachel is moving in with Phoebe.

Phoebe: And also, my birthday.

Monica: It’s not your birthday.

Phoebe: What a mean thing to say! I would never tell you it’s not your birthday!

(Joey and Ross enter.)

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! So you guys have anything planned for the big last night?

Chandler: Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we’d do nothing.

Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Knicks season opener tonight. I thought maybe you guys would come over and watch it.

Joey: I don’t know Ross, not if you’re gonna talk about how you gave up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist.

Ross: I did give up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist!

Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I was wondering…

Monica: You’re not dressed yet?! We’re supposed to start having fun in 15 minutes!

Rachel: Well and clearly not a minute sooner.

Monica: Rachel, you are packed though right, I mean please tell me that you’re packed.

Rachel: Of course I packed! Monica relax! I just wanted to ask Phoebe her opinion on what I should wear tonight.

Phoebe: My God, I can’t get a minute of peace around this place.

[Cut to Rachel’s bedroom, Phoebe and her are entering. And it’s obvious that she’s not packed.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica’s just gonna kill you.

Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I know.

Phoebe: Well, what you’re wearing is fine for that.

Monica: (entering) Rachel, I need to borrow—You’re not packed!!!! You’re not packed even a little bit!

Rachel: Surprise!!

Monica: What?

Rachel: No, no don’t get mad because look—this is what happened. So I-I started packing, then I realized, "What am I doing? I am lousy at packing!" Right? But you love packing! So, as a gift to you, on our last night, ta-da!

Monica: (grabs a bag of those Styrofoam peanuts) I’ll be coordinator! Oh my God! I’m so sorry, I didn’t get you anything! Okay, look everybody has to help! Okay? You can help, can’t you Phoebe?

Phoebe: I have plans.

Monica: You’re plans were with us.

Phoebe: That’s right.

Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Okay! (To Rachel) Oh my God, thank you!!

[Cut to living room, Phoebe enters and closes Rachel’s door behind her.]

Phoebe: Hurry! Monica’s gonna make you pack! She’s got jobs for everyone! Now, it’s too late for me, but save your selves! (The guys scramble for the door.)

Monica: (entering and interrupting the guy’s escape attempt) Okay! The movers will be here in 11 hours. Rachel has not packed. Now, everybody has to help! Chandler, we’re gonna start with…

Chandler: Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey.

Monica: I thought you said you were going to do nothing.

Chandler: Yes, but for the last time.

Monica: Okay fine, now Ross…

Ross: Oh, but-but I can’t do it.

Monica: Why not?

Joey: (quietly) I’ve got Ben.

Ross: Because, because I’ve got Ben.

Monica: It’s almost 8 o’clock, it’s almost past his bedtime. Where-where is he?

Chandler: He’s at a dinner party.

Monica: Is he really coming? Because I can see right into your apartment!

Ross: Of course he is! What, do you think I’d just use my son as-as an excuse? What kind of father do you think I am?

Monica: All right, sorry. (Goes back to Rachel’s room.)

Ross: (to the guys) I gotta go make a fake Ben.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is entering carrying two pizzas.]

Joey: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as roommates.

Chandler: Oh, I wish I’d know you were going to do that, I ordered Chinese.

Joey: Oh that’s okay. Hey, actually in a way it’s kinda nice. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours!

(Chandler stares at him, dumbfounded, then finally agrees.)

Chandler: Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?

Joey: What, are you crazy? You haven’t beaten me once since my injury plagued ’97 season. It would be easier if you just give me your money.

Chandler: Yes it would. What do you say to $50?

Joey: Okay, you’re on.

Chandler: Okay, let’s play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently.

(They start playing.)

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, she’s in her closet bringing down her pair of roller blades from a top shelf.]

Rachel: Ohhhhhh, look it’s the roller blades.

Monica: (starting to cry) Oh God!

Rachel: You remember when we got these?

Monica: No.

Rachel: I guess you weren’t there. (They hug.)

Phoebe: You guys, we said we were gonna have fun! Come on, hey, remember the time… (She starts laughing hysterically.) You don’t remember?

Rachel: I’m sorry Pheebs, I guess I’m just really said that I’m leaving.

Monica: I’m gonna miss you so much.

Phoebe: Well, this doesn’t have to be so sad though. Y’know? Maybe instead of just thinking about how much you’re gonna miss each other, you should like think of the things you’re not gonna miss.

Monica: I don’t think there’s anything.

Phoebe: Come on, there’s gotta be something.

Monica: Nope, she’s perfect.

Rachel: I have one.

Phoebe: Good! Great! You can go first.

Rachel: Uh well, I guess I’m not gonna miss the fact that you’re never allowed to move the phone pen. (Laughs. Monica lags behind the laugh a little bit.)

Phoebe: Good that’s a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? Y’know? Does Rachel move the phone pen?

Monica: Aw, sometimes. Always, actually.

Phoebe: Okay, good. There you go. Doesn’t anyone feel better?

Monica: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages.

Rachel: You get your messages!

Monica: Yeah, well I don’t think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you fall asleep on the couch.

Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?

Phoebe: Great! It worked! No one’s sad.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are just finishing up another game of foosball.]

Joey: (scores) Yes! I win again! Ha-ha! That’s like 500 bucks you owe me! Whoo-ho-hoo! (Goes over to the fridge and starts opening and closing the door rapidly.) $500 that is a loooot of electricity! (By the way, there’s nothing in the fridge.) Whoo-ho-ho! (Notices the sparseness of the fridge.) I gotta buy some food.

Chandler: Okay, give me a chance to win my money back. Okay? Sudden death, one goal, $1,000.

Joey: You serious?

Chandler: Oh yes!

Joey: Okay, get ready to owe me!

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Okay, here we go. Ready?

[In slow motion, as some haunty demonic music plays in the background, Joey throws the ball in, Chandler quits playing and goes for his Chinese food. Joey smacks the ball really hard, shooting it down the table. Chandler slowly takes a bite, the ball bounces off of the wall, heads back up the table, and scores the goal for Chandler.]

Chandler: No! No! No! No—(Joey looks at him)—one can beat me.

(In frustration, Joey kicks the table, breaking it.)

Chandler: See? Now, that’s why only the little fake men are supposed to do all the kicking.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel and Phoebe move a box into the living room.]

Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Ross! (To Rachel) See? Other people call me!

Rachel: Ooh, your brother. Score!

Monica: (on phone) What’s up?

Ross: Oh, I’m just over here with Ben. I thought we’d say hi.

Monica: Oh, put him on!

Ross: Ben, say hi to Aunt Monica. (He holds the phone to the fake Ben he has created out of a pumpkin.) Oh, I guess he doesn’t feel like talking right now. He’s smiling though! Okay, talk to you later.

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, Rachel is entering carrying two glasses of wine. She gives one to Phoebe, keeps one, and completely ignores Monica.]

Phoebe: Yeah, I think it was better when you guys were sad. Hey, uh, remember the roller blades?

Rachel: You know what else I’m not gonna miss? "I’m Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!"

Monica: "Hi I’m Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I’d better wash it and shrink it!"

Rachel: "I’m Monica, I don’t get phone messages from interesting people. Ever!"

Phoebe: Hey! I call her!

Monica: "Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!"

Rachel: "Oh my God, I can’t find a boyfriend! So I guess I’ll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!"

(Monica picks up one of those boxes of hair curling things, dumps it in a box, and storms out.)

Phoebe: Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations. (Phoebe dumps a drawer full of makeup into a box.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is examining the broken foosball table as Chandler enters from his room.]

Chandler: Still broken?

Joey: This sucks man! The last night you’re here and I lose the two most important things in my life, the foosball table and $500.

Chandler: Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.)

Joey: Nah, not my game.

Chandler: Okay, uh, how about, how about—y’know what? We could play a new game. A new game, it’s fun.

Joey: Well, what’s it called?

Chandler: Cups.

Joey: I don’t know how to play Cups.

Chandler: I’ll teach ya! Come on, come on, it’s really easy and really, really fun.

Joey: All right.

Chandler: Okay, here you go. (He deals out two cards each.) I have two queens, what do you have?

Joey: A two and a five.

Chandler: Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!

Joey: Really?!

Chandler: Oh yeah! Okay, let’s play again. (He deals out two cards each again.) What do you got?

Joey: A four and a nine.

Chandler: You’re kidding right?

Joey: No. Why?

Chandler: Well that’s a full cup! (Pays him again.)

Joey: Damn! I am good at Cups!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is whining to Phoebe about Rachel.]

Monica: I’m not talking to her!

Phoebe: Well, one of you has to take the first step! And it should be you, because she’s the one who’s leaving. It’s harder for her!

Monica: Well, maybe you’re right—She made fun of my phone pen!

Phoebe: I know, I took it hard too.

(Monica goes into Rachel’s room.)

Monica: Listen Rachel, I feel really bad about—What are you doing? (She sees that Rachel is unpacking.)

Rachel: I’m unpacking!

Monica: What?!

Rachel: I’m not moving! (She re-hangs a picture, crookedly.) Is that picture straight?

Monica: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left!

Rachel: Hey, y’know what? You’re the one who wants to make this big change and move in with Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why should I have to leave?!

Monica: Because it’s my apartment!

Rachel: Well it’s mine too! What else you got?!

Monica: How about, you’re moving!! (Grabs a bunch of clothes and throws them into a box. What follows is a brief sequence of Rachel unpacking and Monica packing the same stuff over and over again as Rachel chants "No." and Monica chants "Yes.")

Rachel: Look! This is ridiculous. We should be packing you!! (She knocks over Monica, grabs a box, and runs into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: Hey, how are you guys doing?

Rachel: Great! Monica’s moving!

Monica: (entering) I am not!

Rachel: Oh really?! Then how come all your stuff is in this box?! (Monica starts chasing Rachel around the table.)

Phoebe: Okay, you guys. You guys I think I know what’s going on here. Okay, you guys… STOP!! (They stop.) I know that, I know that you’re acting mad because you think that it’ll make it easier to leave. But deep down you’re still really sad. Deep-deep down.

Monica: No Phoebe I am mad!

Phoebe: Well, deep-deep-deep down!

Rachel: Yeah, I’m just mad!

Phoebe: Then keep running. (They resume the chase.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they’re still playing Cups.]

Chandler: You win.

Joey: Well, what did you have?

Chandler: It doesn’t matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far?

Joey: Uh, (counts the money) wow, 700.

Chandler: Not 700 exactly?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Double it! (He does.)

Joey: What?

Chandler: Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it.

Joey: Really?

Chandler: Hey, I didn’t make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.) Don’t get to excited because that’s not gonna happen unless you get—No way! (He takes the top card, which is the two of clubs. Of course, any card would’ve won. Chandler pays him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica carries a box out of Rachel’s room.]

Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I’m just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?"

Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.

Phoebe: Hey you guys, I don’t mean to make things worse, but umm, I don’t want to live with Rachel anymore.

Monica and Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: You’re just so mean to each other! And I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you!

Rachel: Well, Phoebe that’s fine because I’m not moving.

Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y’know I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y’know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate.

Rachel: Oh really? Like what Monica?

Monica: Y’know she has 147,000 pairs of boots…

Rachel: Oh yeah, good start Mon.

Monica: She lets you borrow them.

Rachel: Yeah and you stretch ‘em out with your big old clown feet.

Monica: Do you wanna live outside?! Because it’s gettin’ cold! (To Phoebe) She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she’ll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I’d like.

Phoebe: What else?

Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror.

Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that.

Phoebe: That’s nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.

Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket.

Rachel: Well y’know, I don’t want you to be cold.

Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They both break down in tears.)

Rachel: Oh, it’s gonna be fine.

Phoebe: Okay Rachel, I can’t wait to live with you! And you know what we should do? Bring Monica and then we could all live there together! We’ll have so much fun!!

Rachel: But honey, I think she’s moving in with Chandler.

Phoebe: Oh that’s right. You’re still set on that?

Monica: Kinda. (She hugs Phoebe and looks out the window. She moves closer to it to get a better look.) Oh my God!

[Cut to Ross’s apartment, he’s watching TV and eating some popcorn as the phone rings.]

Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Mon, how’s the packing going? (Listens) Ben? He’s fine. Yeah, he’s right—Oh my God! (He looks over at the fake Ben and notices that the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your shirt there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah, it’s a pumpkin. I’ll come pack.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (Ohh, that’s the last time I’m ever gonna type that line. It’s just so sad.) Joey is entering, angrily.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: What’s wrong?

Joey: Ross and I were helping the girls pack, took a little break, I lost $1,500 to him in Cups!

Chandler: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?!

Joey: The same way you lost. I started out with a King and a Queen, bamn! Ross gets a 2 and a 3. Then I get a Jack and a King, boom! Ross gets a 4 and a 5! Ross was getting the Cup card, the D-Cup, the Sittin’ Down Bonus! Meanwhile, I didn’t even get half a cup! Nothin’!!

Chandler: Oh man!!

Joey: And he never played before either! Y’know what I think? I think beginner’s luck, very important in Cups.

Chandler: All right, let’s play one more hand! One more!

Joey: No, no, no more! I cannot lose another dime! I’m serious this time! In-in fact, look, there’s a—I wanna give you something. And let me give it too you know before I pawn it for Cups money. (He rolls the big white dog over) Now, I want you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, y’know, thank you for being such a great roommate.

Chandler: I can’t take the big white dog! You love it!

Joey: It’s him, not it!

Chandler: No, but wait—what if I bought it from you, y’know? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say (Gets choked up) $1,500?

Joey: Wait a second, I see what you’re trying to do here! You-you’re trying to give me money again!

Chandler: When did I try to give you money?

Joey: Over there! (Points to the couch) Before, with the bills! You tried to give some charity, I said "No," you dropped it. Okay? Then we had a nice last night together, we had some fun, we gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any money! Now out of the blue, you start with the charity thing again!

Chandler: I’m just trying to help you out! Okay? I wanna make sure that you’re okay.

Joey: I will be okay! Look Chandler, you gotta get it out of your head that I can’t take care of myself. Okay? Look, I’m not gonna miss you helping me out with money. The only thing that I’m gonna miss…is you. And now the dog.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, (And that’s the last time for that line, no more Chandler and Joey’s or Monica and Rachel’s, ever!) Joey and Ross are carrying the last table of Rachel’s. Rachel follows slowly, but is stopped by Monica.]

Monica: Hey. Call me when you get there. Okay?

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: I’m really gonna miss you.

(They hug.)

Rachel: Oh! I have your key. Here you go. (Hands it to Monica.)

Monica: Thanks.

Rachel: Yeah.

(Silence ensues.)

Rachel: Oh God! This is silly, I’m gonna see you in a couple of hours! (They hug again.)

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: Bye house!

(They break the embrace.)

Rachel: Bye Mon.

Monica: Bye.

(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s old and now empty room.)

Chandler: (entering) Hey.

Monica: She really left.

Chandler: I know. (He kisses her.)

Monica: Thank you.

Chandler: No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)

Monica: Can I ask you a question?

Chandler: Sure!

Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! (She notices the dog sitting in the living room.)

(And with that, an era ends as Chandler moves in with Monica as Rachel moves in with Phoebe. It ‘tis a sad and happy time for Friends.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler is trying to get Joey’s money back from Ross.]

Chandler: I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money.

Ross: And now you want that money back.

Chandler: Exactly.

Ross: Chandler, what kind of an idiot do you take me for? (As he picks up the fake Ben.)

Chandler: It’s not a real game! I made it up!

Ross: I’m sorry you lost your money, but I won it fair and square.

Chandler: At a fake game!!

Ross: Now, if you wanna try to make some of it back, I’d be glad to play you for it. But I should warn you, I am very good at Cups.

Chandler: Okay! Now I assume the Saucer card came up when you played last.

Ross: No.

Chandler: Hmm, let’s see if it comes up this time. (He looks at his cards and shrugs.)

End

The One Where Phoebe Runs

Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer

Transcribed by: Kiza Abuzahra

With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s new apartment, Rachel and Phoebe are making their answering machine message.]

Phoebe: Ready?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: Hi...

Phoebe: it's...

Rachel: Rachel...

Phoebe: and…

Rachel: Phoebe’s...

Phoebe: please...

Rachel: leave...

Phoebe: leave…

Rachel: Wait, I-I just said "leave."

Phoebe: Yeah, I know because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get "it’s," "and" oh I'm sorry, I have "A." Forget it.

Rachel: Phoebe, come on that's silly.

Phoebe: All right, so let's switch.

Rachel: No, I have all of the good words. OK, fine, fine, we can switch.

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Hi…

Rachel: Everybody…

Phoebe: It's…

Rachel: Rachel…

Phoebe: and…

Rachel: Phoebe’s…

Phoebe: Please...wait, how did you do that?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you?

Rachel: Phoebe, come on can we finish this later? Cause I wanna go running before it gets dark. Oh! Why don't you come with me?!

Phoebe: Really?

Rachel: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park. It'll be like our first y’know roommate bonding thing.

Phoebe: Okay, let's go running!

Rachel: Yeah and there's really cute guys there.

Phoebe: Let's run towards them!

Rachel: OK!

Phoebe: All right, wait just one more second. Hi, it's Phoebe and Rachel's. Please leave a message, thanks!

Rachel: Now wait a minute. You just took all the words!

Phoebe: Uh-huh. You've met your match Rachel Green.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s new apartment, Ross and Chandler are there.]

Ross: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and live forever as a machine.

Chandler: (not amused) And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

[Monica enters]

Monica: Hey!

Ross and Chandler: Hey!

Monica: (jumps over a box) Honey, that's a great idea nailing the boxes to the floor!

Chandler: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor.

Monica: Oh, So you can move them!

Chandler: Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for you.

[Joey enters with his new roommate who is played by none other than Elle MacPherson.]

Joey: Hey everybody! Uh, I'd like you to meet Janine. She's-she's gonna be my new roommate!

Janine: Hi.

Ross: Hi! (Rushes over to shake her hand instantly.)

Janine: Hi

Joey: Yeah, she's gonna live with me!

Monica: It's nice to meet you. Janine...?

Janine: Lecroix. Janine Lecroix

Joey: I didn't know that! Well, what a pretty last name!

Chandler: So, uh, wh-where ya from?

Janine: Australia, I just moved here a couple of weeks ago.

Joey: (shocked) From the land down under? I didn't know that either!

Ross: So uh, wha-uh, what do you do?

Janine: I'm a dancer.

Joey: You're a dancer? She-she's a dancer!

Janine: Well, I think I'll go and unpack.

Joey: Oh, hey let me. (Opens the door for Janine and after he closes the door behind her gasps ecstatically.)

Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?

Joey: Of course I did.

Monica: Uh-huh, what exactly did you ask her?

Joey: "When can you move in?"

Ross: Thank you for bringing her into our lives.

Chandler: Unbelievable

Monica: Oh, so you like her too Chandler?

Chandler: Hey, look at all the boxes!

Joey: Ugh, I cannot wait to ask her out!

Monica: Wait a minute...Joey. Joey you can't ask her out, she's your roommate. It-it'll be way too complicated.

Ross: Yeah, yeah man don't do it. I mean if you date her, then-then-then I can't date her.

Chandler: All right, think about it. Now remember when you were going out with that girl Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket?

Joey: Oh God, yeah.

Chandler: Now imagine you live at the supermarket.

Joey: (happily) Okay!

Chandler: No-no

Joey: Oh, Oh, you're right! I don't want that. I can't date her!

Monica: Yeah and you better watch the flirting too, cause you know, in such close quarters, it could be trouble.

Joey: Well, that's gonna be tough Mon. I mean it's hard for me to be around an attractive woman and not flirt.

Monica: (chuckles) Hmm, well you're around me all the time and you don't flirt.

Joey: You a little sad about that sweetheart?

[Scene, The Park: Phoebe and Rachel are getting ready to go running]

Phoebe: I have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead, I'll catch up.

Rachel: Okay. (Runs off.)

Phoebe: Okay. (Starts running crazily with her arms flapping and her legs far apart) Come on! That's not running! Let's go! (Rachel pauses, then follows, embarrassed.)

[Scene, Central Perk: Rachel, Ross and Monica are there]

Rachel: You guys, I'm telling you, when she runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit The Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man.

Ross: Monica had such a crush on him. Yeah, she used to kiss his poster every night before she went to bed.

Rachel: Oh! I used to do that too!

Monica: Did you also have his album, It's Not Easy Being Green?

Rachel: Aw, Mon...(Kisses her on the cheek)

Monica: So, Phoebe runs weird huh?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah and you know what, I know she's gonna wanna run again, I just don't know how to get out of it, I mean, I live with her.

Monica: Why don't you just be straight with her? Tell her the truth.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You're right, you're right. I should just tell her the truth.

[Phoebe enters]

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Pheebs, Monica tripped me, I don't think I can ever run again, ever!

Phoebe: Why? Why would you do that?

Monica: I don't know. Rachel I'm-I'm sorry that I hurt your ankles.

Rachel: Ankle.

Monica: We'll see.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s new apartment, Chandler is putting something away under the sink.]

Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the giggling again)

Joey: (jumps out of the box) I Gotcha!!

Chandler: (pretending) Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.

Joey: Boy, it was so hard not to laugh, I tell ya. Hey, hey, the place looks great!

Chandler: Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monica’s gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me?

Joey: (raises his hand) I don't! No, I wanna live with the super-hot Australian dancer.

Chandler: Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting thing?

Joey: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you know? I got all this built up flirting energy and I don't know how to get rid of it. (Gives Chandler the "Joey-love," look.) How you doin?

[Scene Joey and Janine’s new apartment, Janine is there. Joey walks in to see Janine bent over, stretching.]

Joey: (voice cracking) Ohhhh man

Janine: Sorry, there's just more room out here.

Joey: No-no-no-no-no, it's-it's uh, you just uh, uh reminded me that uh, I need to do my stretches too. (Starts to stretch, groans painfully)

Janine: (touches his waist) Why don't you try to do-

Joey: (jumps up and yells)

Janine: What's wrong?

Joey: Uh-uh nothing. I-I-I-I didn't want you to touch me cause I'm -I'm all sweaty from the workout. I better hit the shower. (Goes into the bathroom and comes back out quickly) Oh my God!

Janine: Oh, sorry about that stuff hanging in there. It's just my thongs are too delicate for the dryer.

(Joey laughs nervously and goes to his bedroom.)

[Scene, The Park, Rachel is running and Phoebe is hiding behind a tree.]

Phoebe: (jumps in front of Rachel) Hi! Oh yeah, uh-huh, it's me. I saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself.

Rachel: No, no Phoebe no, I was...no. You know what, I was, I was actually just checking to, see, if I could run. And I can!

Phoebe: Please Rachel, I am not an idiot. (Runs off)

Rachel: No, wait Phoebe.

[Scene, Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is there. Everything is out of its place and Chandler's cleaning.]

Ross: (enters) Wow, couples who live together do start to look alike. So, Mondler...uh, what uh, what ‘cha doin?

Chandler: What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning!

Ross: Did you get Monica's authorization to move all of her stuff?

Chandler: Authorization? I don't need that. I'm gonna put everything back.

Ross: Put it back exactly where you found it?

Chandler: Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking Ross) exactly where I found it.

Ross: ‘Kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping.

Chandler: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place.

Ross: Whoa, hello, did you just meet Monica?

Chandler: She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it.

Ross: Hmm -you know, actually this'll work out well. Cause when you have to move back in with Joey, Joey's hot new roommate can come and live with me.

Chandler: I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak me out.

Ross: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right. Believe me, I lived with her for 16 years. She is going to freak…out. Oh my God, she's going to sit on you.

Chandler: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. (Picks up the phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh.

Monica: (on phone) Hi!

Chandler: Hey Mon, how's it going?

Monica: Terrible. If-if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. Other people just wreck stuff. I really think I might kill someone tonight.

Chandler: Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad.

Monica: It's worse. The only thing that's getting me through is knowing that I'm gonna be seeing you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here early.

Chandler: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there.

Monica:  Well, are you just hanging out with Ross?

Chandler: It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! (To Ross) She's-she's gonna kill me.

Ross: Yeah, the phone was facing the other way. (Chandler fixes it and a picture frame off the table.) And that goes back up there.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, continued from earlier.]

Chandler: We should start with the big stuff. Y’know? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't help) I got it. (He moves it back to where he thinks it goes.)

Ross: Yeah that-that, doesn't look right.

Chandler: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table.

Ross: Whoa, whoa, but then the back of the couch won't line up with he back of the carpet.

Chandler: OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch.

Ross: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, but then the coffee table won't be centered in the seating area.

Chandler: Yes, but the coffee table doesn't match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!!

Joey: (entering) Look, what am I gonna do? I'm not flirting but still, I'm drawing her to me like - like a moth to a flame! (Tries to put his feet on the coffee table...they won't reach and looks around.) What the hell's going on over here?!?!? (Points to Chandler) Monica's gonna kill you! Look I need your help, I have to do something to-to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time.

Ross: Hey, I've been married 3 times

(Chandler gives him a round of mock applause.)

Joey: No-no-no I've seen it happen, you-you get a rapport going with a woman but somehow you manage to kill it. What's your secret?

Ross: Look, we do not repel women OK? That is completely untrue.

Chandler: Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine?

Ross: Yeah, well what about you? You weren't you know, so hot in college either. After everything he said, he'd go "ba dum bum chessh"

Chandler: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that.

Ross: Oh y'know what, girls don't like it when I start talking about science.

Chandler: That's not specific to girls.

Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what else?

Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.

Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.

Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.

Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.

Ross: (nonchalantly) I'm never gonna find love again.

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.]

Rachel: Hey Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Sure

Rachel: Okay, um, I...(Phoebe walks into her room.) All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you.

Phoebe: So, what should you have done?

Rachel: Well, I-I should've told you the truth.

Phoebe: Uh-Huh, Which is...?

Rachel: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because um, well y'know the way that you run is a little...(Starts flapping her arms)

Phoebe: So?

Rachel: Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy.

Phoebe: Why do you care?

Rachel: Because they're people.

Phoebe: But people that you don't know and will never see again.

Rachel: Yes, but still. They're people…with eyes.

Phoebe: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss (panting). But no, okay. No, no, I can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay. You're uptight.

Rachel: I-I am not uptight—Hey-hey-hey-oh-oh! Listen, I am not uptight, man.

Phoebe: That's okay Rachel. I'm not judging you; that's just who you are. Me. I'm more free y'know? I run like I did when I was a kid, cause that's the only way it's fun. Y'know, I mean didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? Y'know, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from Satan? (Rachel looks confused) The neighbor's dog.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler has the tape measure out and is busy lining up the lamp on the kitchen counter, Ross is supervising the whole operation.]

Chandler: Okay, is this lamp in the same place?

Ross: Who cares? I repel women.

[Monica tries to come in]

Chandler: (blocks the door) No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! You can't come in here! R-r-r-r-Ross is naked.

Monica: What?!

Ross: (whispers) What?!

Chandler: (to Ross) I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too see me naked.

Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?

Monica: Why is Ross naked?

Ross: I-I had to show Chandler something?

Monica: Naked?

Ross: Yeah-yeah I uh, I have a uh, a guy problem.

Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had?

Chandler: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.

Monica: Okay, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine under the sink in the bathroom. Bye!

Chandler: Bye! Thank God

Ross: Dude, what'd you have?

Chandler: Look, we have no time okay? We must focus. We gotta get everything back into its original place.

Ross: (realizes something) The photo album! There were millions of pictures of the apartment in the photo album. We just go through it and match everything to the pictures.

Chandler: That's perfect! That's brilliant! (Starts going through the photo album)

Ross: So really, what'd ya have?

[Scene: Joey and Janine's, Janine's there. Joey enters]

Janine: Hey Joey, I got some beer for you.

Joey: Uh, don't you mean "for whom?"

Janine: Sure, listen I was gonna order some pizza, you wanna share one?

Joey: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh.

Janine: Is there something wrong?

Joey: All right, All right, let's just get this out in the open okay? You're hot. I'm lovable. Clearly there's a vibe going on between us. But, we're roommates and it's a huge mistake for us to continue down this road.

Janine: Joey...

Joey: No, no, no, I'm telling ya. Imagine yourself living in a supermarket and you will understand okay? So the question is, what do we do?

Janine: Well, I don't think there is anything to do. I mean I think you're really sweet, but I'm just not interested in you like that.

Joey: Oh!

Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you.

Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.

Janine: I don't think so.

Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin?

Janine: I'm OK

Joey: What?!?!

Janine: What?

Joey: Oh dear God!

[Scene: The park, Rachel's running by herself and panting. After a little while she decides to run like Phoebe.]

Rachel: (Runs into Phoebe.) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you were right, this feels great!

Phoebe: See? And you don't care if people are staring, it's just for a second cause then you're gone!

Rachel: Gone! I mean its amazing Pheebs. I feel so free and so graceful. (Turns and bumps into a mounted policeman and falls) Hey! Look out for the horse! Sorry! (Runs off.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler and Ross are there. Monica enters]

Monica: Is it okay for me to come in now?

Chandler: Uh-huh

Monica: Why is everything different?

Ross: Bye! (Runs out)

Chandler: No, I don't see anything different other than the fact that the room got so much brighter when you came into it. (Forced laughter)

Monica: Well, the end table is wrong, The couch looks bizarre and don't even get me started on the refrigerator magnets.

Chandler: Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Monica: It's okay. Chandler, are you afraid of me or something?

Chandler: Do you want me to be afraid of you?

Monica: Of course not. I mean gosh, Chandler what you did, it's, it's a wonderful thing and I really appreciate it. I know I have this weird thing where I want everything to be in the perfect place, but I'd never expect you to worry about that.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Of course!

Chandler: Oh well you're the best. You come here to me.

Monica: All right, hold on okay? First thing's first. (Gets her cleaning gloves on) Okay, now did Ross sit anywhere while he was naked?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Janine and Chandler are there]

Ross: So it said that by the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same number of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically we could download our thoughts and our memories into this computer...

Janine: ...and live forever as a machine!

Ross: That's so Janine, you-you-you know what, do you know we're doing right now? You and I, we're interfacing.

Janine: Yeah, I gotta go.

Chandler: Ba dum bumb cheshhh!

End

The One With Ross’s Teeth

Written by: Perry Rein and Gigi McCreey

Transcribed by: Aaron D. Howard-Miller

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Chandler knocks on the front door. Joey answers the door.]

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hi, my name’s Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?

Joey: Sure, neighbor come on in.

Chandler: So, is Janine around?

Joey: Uh, no, she’s at dance class.

Chandler: Can I check out what she did to my room?

Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, don’t go through her stuff. She gets really mad.(Chandler gives him a look and walks to the door of his old room.)

Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th… it’s like a guy never lived in here. Look, you’ve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) It’s spreading already.

Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is???

Chandler: (Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch?

Joey: No.

Chandler: (Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, that’s too small to put anything in?

Joey: No.

Chandler: No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, you’re going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff.

Joey: (With Big Eyes.) All right, you’re right. I’ll talk to her.

Chandler: Yes talk to her. Be a man.

Joey: I’m a man.

Chandler: Defend yourself.

Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.)

Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle.

Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, The gangs all here. Monica is walking in.]

Monica: Hey guys.

Chandler: Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary?

Monica: It was okay. She’s still kind of depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend.

Chandler: Ohh, yeah.

Ross: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: The one that always stares at me when I come in?

Monica: No, the one who looked at you once because you got in her way.

Ross: Still I could tell. She was into me. (Joey rolls his eyes.) Well, why don’t you set us up?

Rachel: Ohh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?

Phoebe: (Walking over and Sitting down.) Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: I’m, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdale’s and use the copy machine.

Rachel: Well, sure, but they might think it’s kinda weird considering I don’t work there anymore.

Phoebe: Oh my God. What happened?

Rachel: I-I, got a job at Ralph Lauren.

Phoebe: Well that’s great! Congratulations!! (She hugs Rachel.)

Rachel: Yeah. (chuckling) A year ago..

Phoebe: (Hugging her again.) You’ve lasted a whole year. Good for you.

Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesn’t see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesn’t like me very much.

Chandler: That’s weird. I don’t think my boss likes me either.

Monica: I don’t think mine likes me either.

Ross: Maybe it’s a universal thing?

Joey: Or maybe, it’s because you’re hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday. (Everybody gets up.)

Chandler: Yeah let’s head off to work.

Monica: We should go.

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Phoebe hands Rachel a key card.]

Phoebe: Thank you.

Rachel: Sure.

Phoebe: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in.

Rachel: Oh my God. Did you talk to him?

Phoebe: Yeah a little. He seems really nice. Good kisser.

Rachel: What? What!?! You kissed him?

Phoebe: Totally.

Rachel: (Gasps) Phoebe are you serious?

Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, we’re making out. You know.

Rachel: Phoebe, I mean, you do know he’s married?

Phoebe: No!

Rachel: Phoebe…

Phoebe: What am I supposed to do? Ask every guy I make out with if he’s married? (Rachel looks at her.) No, yeah, I should.

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey stares at a picture of a bay on the wall. Janine comes out of her room.]

Janine: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second? This, uh, kid in this picture. Do you, uh, know this kid? Is that like a relative or something?

Janine: No, I just thought it was cute.

Joey: Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.. Okay, uhh…Look Janine I really want you to feel at home here, but some of this new stuff. It’s…too girly.

Janine: Ohh. Like what?

Joey: Like this. (pointing to the picture) Pictures of cute babies we don’t know. We..we can’t have that.

Janine: Joey, it’s Anne Geddes. She’s a famous artist.

Joey: Look I don’t know this baby. I don’t know if she’s a famous artist or not. You know, and I don’t want to be a jerk but you’re changing too much around here.

Janine: Well, I’m sorry. I just thought I’d try to make the place a little nicer.

Joey: Yeah but it’s too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can.

Janine: Well I just thought…

Joey: I’m sure it’s a famous watering can, okay. But, come on…and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?

Janine: It’s a curling iron.

Joey: Ohh, well, that’s ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. It’s up here on some hook..and…smells different.

Janine: It’s clean.

Joey: Yeah, well, it feels different.

Janine: It’s dry.

Joey: Alright, I can make my peace with the clean dry towels…Also what is with these chips you bought?

Janine: No no no no, it’s potpourri. You’re supposed to smell it. (Joey takes a big whiff of the potpourri.)

Joey: (Voice cracking) Well that’s like summer in a bowl.

[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Rachel gets on her boss Kim is there.]

Rachel: Oh, Kim, Hi. (Kim doesn’t even look up from her report.)

Kim: Uhh-huh.

Rachel: So you know, I…I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought.

Kim: I didn’t read it.

Rachel: Ahh….So…Wow…The spring line, it’s really going to be great this year, huh?

Kim: Yeah.

Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. (Kim stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.)

Kim: Tell me everything.

[Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch. Ross walks in.]

Ross: Hey guys.

Chandler and Monica: Hey.

Ross: What’s up? (He smiles. His teeth are freakishly white.)

Chandler: You know…Oh My God.

Monica: What happened to your teeth.

Ross: I whitened them.

Chandler: (Sarcastically) Really.

Ross: Yeah. What do you think.

Monica: Well, I think I shouldn’t look directly at them.

Ross: Come on, seriously.

Monica: Ross they’re really, really, really white.

Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old…human teeth.

Ross: Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer then it said to.

Monica: How much longer?

Ross: A-A day.

Monica: Ross you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?

Ross: I know. That’s why I did it. (With a big smile) Come on, are they really that bad?

Chandler: No, no no no. You’ll be fine. (turning to Monica) Hillary’s bind, right?

Monica: She will be after tonight.

Chandler: Yeah. (Rachel walks in.)

Ross: Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice anything..ahh…

Rachel: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. (Sitting down on the couch.) You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.

Chandler: What???

Monica: Oh my god.

Rachel: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just…made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip she’d heard all year.

Chandler: I am proud of all my friends today.

Monica: My God, Rachel, I can’t believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, I’m so jealous. (Chandler looks at her.)

Chandler: Hi, I’m Chandler. Your live-in boy

Monica: Chandler, please, come on. Look at him. (Pointing to a picture of Ralph on a magazine,.)

Chandler: Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.)

Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh, who’s the silver fox?

Rachel: That-that is your make out buddy. Don’t you recognize him? (Holding up the magazine in front of her face.) Oh wait. Ohh, Phoebe I love you. Kiss me please.

Phoebe: That’s not Ralph Lauren. Sounds like him though.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesn’t look anything like that guy. He’s-he’s young and he’s got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack.

Rachel: Oh My God, Phoebe, that’s not Ralph Lauren. That’s Kenny the copy guy.

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!!

Phoebe: Why would the copy guy say he was Ralph Lauren?

Rachel: To get you to make out with him!!!

Phoebe: Ohhh.

[Scene: Ross’s Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.]

Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that don’t work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.

Ross: I don’t know what I’m going to do. That date starts in like an hour.

Monica: Hey Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter. Your teeth wouldn’t look so bright.

Ross: Oh great. So all I need to do is get some new skin. Thank you.

Monica: I’m just saying, if we put just a little bit of makeup on you.

Ross: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We’re not 13 anymore.

Monica: Ross this is the only thing left that has a shot at working.

Ross: But, won’t she notice I have makeup on?

Monica: Please. Half the guys out there have makeup on.

Ross: What??

Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see.

Ross: No. I am not putting on makeup. (Knock at the door. Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up some of these flyers for me? (He smiles at her.) OH!! Demon!! Demon!!

[Scene: Chandler’s and Monica’s apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.]

Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didn’t waste these pantyhose.

Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I’m going to go over to Joey’s.

Monica: Wait, we’re supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer.

Chandler: Yes, but I feel like I’ve really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we’re two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple.

Monica: You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day. You’re right, I’m sorry.

Chandler: Nah, Nah, it’s okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing.

Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joey’s. Go over to Joey’s and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall.

Chandler: You know when guys hang out they don’t just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?

Monica: When girls hang out, we don’t have pillow fights in our underwear. (Chandler gets a hurt look on his face.) I’m sorry. We do. We do. I don’t know why I said that.

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.]

Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. We’re knitting pot holders.

Chandler: No thanks, Josephine.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.]

Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if… Oh my God!! Where are all the men???

[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Kim’s waiting for it. The door opens and Rachel is inside.]

Rachel: Ohh, hi, Kim.

Kim: Hi Rachel.

Rachel: Yeah, remember that thing I told you that happened yesterday? Well it didn’t happen.

Kim: You didn’t cancel the fabric order from Taiwan?

Rachel: Okay, two things didn’t happen. Remember I told you that someone made out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out that’s not true.

Kim: That’s not true?

Rachel: No.

Kim: Oh that’s interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.

Rachel: Oh no, no, no. Oh God, you think I made out with him.

Kim: Listen to me. If you think sleeping with Ralph is going to get you my job. You are sadly mistaken.

Rachel: I-I don’t want your job. I-I don’t. Ohh this is such a mistake. I did not make out with him. Nobody made out with him. I did not use my keycard yesterday. I don’t even know how to use my keycard. (The elevator stops. Ralph steps on.)

Kim: Hi Ralph.

Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (Dead silence until Ralph gets off the elevator.)

Kim: Yeah, nothing happen. You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife.

[Scene: Hillary’s apartmen,. Hillary and Ross are having dinner. He is avoiding opening his mouth.]

Hillary: And after that, what could I do except become a chef.

Ross: Mmm-Hmm.

Hillary: And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant.

Ross: Mmm.

Hillary: You know, you’re a really great listener. Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk.

Ross: Mm-Hmm.

Hillary: After a while it’s like, shut your mouth, you know?

Ross: (Chuckling) Hmm-Hmm.

Hillary: I’ve probably been talking too much. Why don’t we talk about you a little bit?

Ross: Mmm-Unmm.

Hillary: Come on. I want to know.

Ross: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Putting his hand up to block his mouth.) Okay. I, uh, am from Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, let’s talk more about you. Hmm.

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey and Monica are arranging flowers. Chandler walks in.]

Joey: So what’s really neat. If you sear the stems of the flowers first in a frying pan, your arrangement will look fresh much longer.

Monica: Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great tip.

Chandler: Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers.

Monica: Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later because I’m going to teach you to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter.

Joey: Ohh, I love birds. (Monica leaves. Chandler shuts the door.)

Chandler: What is the matter with you ?!?

Joey: What?

Chandler: You’re arranging flowers! (Pointing to the dish on the table.) You got dead flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is not Joey!!

Joey: Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay. Flowers they’re just, you know, they’re nice to look at. And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. Of a famous baby.

Chandler: You’re turning into a women.

Joey: No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean.

Chandler: Now I’ve upset you? What did I say?

Joey: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it….Oh My God, I’m a women!!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there.]

Rachel: Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job.

Phoebe: But why didn’t you just tell her the truth.

Rachel: I did but she doesn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren.

Phoebe: Well, hey, what if Kenny were the real brains behind the whole company? You know. What if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy to be the pretty front man? Huh, did she ever think of that?

Rachel: You were with Kenny today, weren’t you?

Phoebe: Just for a second.

Rachel: Ohh, Phoebe, what am I going to do?

Phoebe: Well, the only thing you can do. Sleep with Ralph Lauren.

Rachel: I’m not going to sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t.

Phoebe: Ohh, sleep with Kenny.

Rachel: That wouldn’t help me.

Phoebe: Ohh, yes it would.

[Scene: Hillary’s apartment, Hillary and Ross are finishing up their date.]

Hillary: I’ve had a really good time tonight.

Ross: Mmm.

Hillary: You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date.

Ross: (Giggling) Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Picking up a piece of bread and covering his mouth.) Me, neither. I’ve had a really good time too, you know. (Putting the bread down.)

Hillary: Are you going to eat that bread?

Ross: (Putting the bread up to his nose.) Ohh, I just like the smell. (Sniffing it.) Mmmm.

Hillary: (Laughing) You make me laugh.

Ross: Hmm-Hmm.

Hillary: Would you like to move over to the couch?

Ross: Mmm-Hmm. (Picking up their wine glasses.)

Hillary: Maybe I’ll just turn the lights down a little.

Ross: (Covering his mouth with the glass.) How about all the way.

Hillary: Okay. (She goes to turn the lights off and Ross sits on the couch. She has some black light posters on the wall.)

Ross: (Looking at the posters.) Wow, cool poster. Or should I say groovy poster? (They sit down on the couch. Ross smiles and the black light fluoresces his teeth.) So, ahh, where were we?

Hillary: Are those your teeth??

Ross: Ohh, you can see them, huh?

Hillary: Yes. They’re insanely white.

Ross: I-I, did that for you.

Hillary: What’s a matter with you?

Ross: What’s a matter with me? You’ve got a black light. It’s 1999!

[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren Offices, Rachel gets in . Kim is there.]

Rachel: Kim, hi.

Kim: Hi Rachel. Ohh, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Have you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you have.

Rachel: Okay..Okay.. Look. I’m sorry that I lied to you before. You were right. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore.

Kim: Oh, really?

Rachel: (Faking crying.) Yeah, he dumped me. He said, "Rachel, I can’t do this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I can’t do this. I’m married and I’m sorry." And then I don’t know why but he said, "and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine."

Kim: You expect me to believe..(Doors open, Ralph steps in.) Hi Ralph.

Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (Dead silence again until he gets off.)

Kim: Oh my God. He just gave you the coldest look I have ever seen. It’s like he hates you. Then it is true.

Rachel: Of course it’s true and it hurts so bad.

Kim: Ohh honey come here. (Hugging Rachel.) Ohh it will be ok. We’ve all been there.

Rachel: You and Ralph?

Kim: Kenny the copyboy.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey paces the floor waiting for Janine. She walks in.]

Janine: Hey.

Joey: Hey, uhh, I need to talk to you.

Janine: What’s the matter? Are you upset?

Joey: I’m sorry but we’ve got to get rid of all this girlie stuff in here. I, uh, I got to be a man! Okay. The living room has to remain a guy place, okay? That’s just the way it has to be.

Janine: Well, if that’s what you want. I’ll just put it all in my room.

Joey: Great…Great…and thanks for being so understanding. I mean, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this, you know. (She starts to collect all the girlie stuff up.) You could, uh, put the picture of the famous baby in my room. I mean, if you want to.

Janine: Okay.

Joey: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there.

Janine: Sure.

Joey: And a couple of these little tiny boxes.

Janine: Joey? Do you want me to put it all in your room?

Joey: (Smiling) Okay.

End

The One Where Ross Got High

Written by: Greg Malins

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is mixing some Thanksgiving treat (I’m assuming mashed potatoes) in a bowl.]

Monica: (on phone) Okay, great!  Bye. (Hangs up as Chandler enters.) So guess who’s coming to Thanksgiving dinner?

Chandler: Sydney Portier? Hehheh.

[Chandler throws his coat on the couch]

Monica: (not amused by Chandler’s joke) I miss Rachel. (To Chandler) No, my parents.

Chandler: Oh! That’s great, they haven’t seen the place since I moved in!

[Monica goes to fiddle with something on the table.]

Monica: Yeah, and y’know, if you could not mention to them that we live together, that would be great! (Quickly trying to change subjects), I was thinking we would eat around four.

[Monica goes to the stove.]

Chandler: (shocked at the news) Why can’t I tell them that we live together?

Monica: Because they don’t know we’re dating. (Again, trying to quickly change subjects.) Do you think we should eat in the kitchen? (Goes to the sink and the stove to cook.)

Chandler: Why haven’t you told them?!

Monica: Um, well, I was going to, I-I-I really was. But um, then somewhere, just out of nowhere, I didn’t.

Chandler: Why haven’t you told them?! Wouldn’t they be happy?!

Monica: (trying to change subjects, excitedly) So! Dinner in the kitchen around four! I’ll see you then. (Pats Chandler on the shoulder and goes into the living room.)

Chandler: Why wouldn’t they be happy?

Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don’t like you. I’m sorry.

Chandler: What? What? Why?!

Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you’re really sarcastic, or that, y’know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.

Chandler: Is this why they don’t like me or why you don’t like me?

Monica: Look, I know that I should’ve told them. I know I shouldn’t care what they think. I’m sorry.

Chandler: Y’know, it’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. Because when they come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then we’ll tell ‘em.

Monica: You really think that’ll work?

Chandler: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I won YOU over, didn’t I?

Monica: (hugging Chandler) I don’t think you’ll ever get my parents that drunk!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Joey and Ross are playing Sony Playstation. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! You’re parents like me, right?

[Chandler goes to stand to the side of the TV.]

Ross: (only half-paying attention) Yes, of course they like you!

Chandler: Well Monica just told me that they don’t.

Ross: (not paying attention) Yeah, they don’t like you.

Chandler: (annoyed) Do you know why?

Ross: I dunno, maybe it’s because you’re really sarcastic. Or maybe it’s cause you uh-

Chandler: (angry) Well if people don’t know they shouldn’t just guess!

[Joey and Ross get annoyed with Chandler's outburst.]

Chandler: This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for.

Joey: Maybe I could give thanks for you shuttin’ up, eh?

Chandler: Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my new apartment.

Joey: Well maybe I love ya’.

Chandler: [mocks that last comment].

[Chandler starts to leave as Janine enters]

Janine [to Chandler]: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

[Chandler exits]

Janine: Hey guys!

[Joey and Ross drop their video game controllers.]

Ross: (trying to act manly in front of Janine) No I don’t want to play video games, Joey!

Janine: Are you guys going to Chandler’s for Thanksgiving?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah, why? What’s up?

Janine: Well, me and my dancer friends are thinking of doing Thanksgiving uptown. I thought you guys might like to come.

Ross: For real?

Janine: No, but you should go to Chandler’s. Because none of us knows how to cook, we’ll probably just end up drinking all day.

Joey: Ye-ye, we go to yours!

Ross: Yeah, see, we-we-we have to stop across the hall, because it’s my sister. But, uh, uh y’know actually, growing up with a sister was nice because it really helped me understand women. Yeah, you-you should tell your friends that.

Janine: (not sure of what to make of that) Okay.

[Janine leaves]

[Ross looks at Joey coyly.]

Joey: How you got three women to marry you, I’ll never know.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Phoebe enters with a paper turkey.]

Phoebe: Hey!

All: Hey!

Rachel: Hey! Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Yeah, for my desert, I have chosen to make a traditional English truffle!

Phoebe: Wow, that sounds great! And what are you making Monica, in case Rachel’s dessert is...[about to say “bad”] so good that I eat all of it. There’s none left for anybody else!

[Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel laugh]

Monica: Nothing.

Rachel: (worried) Nothing?

Monica: No, sweetie, I-I trust you.

Rachel: So, if-if I mess this up, there’s nothing else for dessert?

Monica: You’re not gonna mess it up.

Rachel: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really have faith in me. Thank you. Technical question, how do you know when uh, the butter’s done?

Monica: Well, it’s done about two minutes before it looks like that.

[Joey and Ross enter.]

Joey and Ross: Hey!

All: Hey!

Joey: Oh, ooh the food smells great, Mon!

Ross: And the place looks so nice!

Joey: Yeah, hey hey, Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Ross: Happy Thanksgiving!

The Girls: Happy Thanksgiving!

Joey: Well, this has been great!

Ross: See ya!

[Joey and Ross go to the door, ready to leave.]

Monica: Whoa whoa whoa! Where’re you goin’?

Ross: Oh, oh, we did say we’d stop by this little thing Joey’s roommate is having.

Monica: Oh, Janine, the really hot dancer girl?

Ross: Some would say she’s attractive, yes.

Phoebe: And who else is going to be there?

Joey: Uh, some of her friends, yeah.

Rachel: Her dancer friends?

Joey: (frustrated) Yes, all right? All of her hot dancer friends are gonna be there and they’re gonna be, be drinkin’ and dancin, and we really wanna go!

Ross: (to Joey) Dude, we were good!

Monica: You’re not gonna go anywhere, you said you were gonna eat here, and you’re gonna eat here!

Phoebe: Yeah, and-and leaving us to go see hot dancer girls is not very Thanksgivingy.

Ross: Oh, but-but it is, uh, it’s just like the first Thanksgiving, when the Indians and the Pilgrims uh, sat down to dinner.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, and the Indians taught the Pilgrims what it meant to be hot in the new world!

[Enter Jack and Judy Geller]

Mrs. Geller: Hello everybody!

Mr. Geller: Hi!

All: Hi!

[Kisses and hugs are exchanged.]

Monica: Dad [kisses Jack], Mom [kisses Judy]. Look! Look who it is it’s Chandler!

Mrs. Geller: (less than pleased) Oh yes of course, hello Chandler.

Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats!

[Chandler goes to take off Jack’s coat. He then notices little white flakes on Jack’s shoulders. He begins to wipe them off.]

Chandler: Whoa, snowing out there?

Mr. Geller: (angry) No.

[Time lapse. The gang is sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is at the head of the table, Mr and Mrs Geller are to his right. Joey and Ross are to his left. Monica is serving things. Phoebe is in the living room and Rachel is at the sink.]

Mr. Geller: Monica, all this food looks wonderful, you should think about doing this for a living.

[Chandler, trying to make nice with Jack, laughs at his joke and points at Jack.]

Mr. Geller: Ok, I have dandruff. There’s no need to laugh and point.

[Monica rushes over to Chandler’s side.]

Monica: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your joke.

Mr. Geller: My joke wasn’t funny.

[Phoebe walks from the living room to the kitchen and talks quietly to Rachel.]

Phoebe: Rach, Rach, I just remembered. I had a dream about Mr. Geller last night.

Rachel: Really?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I dreamt that he saved me from a burning building and he was so brave and so strong! And it’s making me look at him totally differently. Y’know, I mean he used to be just, y’know “Jack Geller Monica and Ross’s dad” and now he’s he’s “Jack Geller, dream hunk."

[We see a shot of Jack stuffing his face with food. Some dream hunk!]

Rachel: I dunno. Y’know to me he’ll always be “Jack Geller, walks in while you’re changing.”

[Time lapse. Ross and Joey are cleaning the table while Judy and Phoebe talk by the window. Jack and Chandler are sitting on the couch while Monica sits on the coffee table.]

Monica: Y’know dad, Chandler is one of Ross’s very best friends!

Chandler: Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy, y’know I’ve always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father.

Mr. Geller: I always thought that too. Tell me, what does your father do?

[Chandler and Monica exchange worried looks.]

Chandler: (worried) He’s the headliner of a gay burlesque show.

[Rachel is in the kitchen fiddling with her English truffle. Joey and Ross, anxious to leave and go to Janine’s party, are egging her on to hurry up.]

Joey: Rach, you’re killin’ us here, will ya serve the dessert already? Those drunken dancers are waiting!

Rachel: (looking at her truffle) Look at it, isn’t it beautiful?

Ross: Yeah, yeah, what is it?

Rachel: It’s a truffle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something’s wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!

[Joey and Ross make confused faces.]

Ross: W-What was the one right before bananas?

Rachel: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, y’know, I thought “well, there’s mincemeat pie,” I mean that’s an English dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, y’know. [To Joey] Oh! by the way, can I borrow some Rum from your place?

Joey: Y-sure!

Rachel: (teasingly) And while I’m gone don’t you boys sneak a taste.

Joey and Ross: (faking dissapointment) Okay.

[Rachel leaves]

Ross: Beef in a dessert?! I- no no no, there is no way!

[Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got her recipe from.]

Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam?! What is up with that?

[Ross looks up as if saying that Joey was weird. He begins flipping through the pages, only to find that they are sticky. So one page is overlapping another, making two recipes look like one.]

Ross: Oh my God, the pages are stuck together!

Joey: (turning to Chandler in a scolding tone) Chandler!

Ross: Oh My God, she-she made half a English Trifle, and half a...Sheperd’s Pie!

Joey: (sad) Oh man! Now she’s gonna start all over! We’re never gonna get to introduce the hot girls to the new world!

Ross: No, no, we will. We just won’t tell her she messed up.

Joey: Just let her serve the beef-custard thing?

Ross: Yeah, it’ll be like a funny Thanksgiving story!

Joey: (shrugging his shoulders to go along with it) Vomiting stories are funny...

[Rachel enters]

Rachel: Joey, God, your apartment is like a hundred degrees!

Joey: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear?

Rachel: No!

Joey: (frustrated) Still not hot enough!

[Joey leaves]

[Phoebe walks over to talk to Rachel.]

Phoebe: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah?

Phoebe: Okay, look at him. Look at those strong hands. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be that can of (looks closer to see what Jack is drinking) condensed milk.

[We see a shot of Jack drinking condensed milk on the couch.]

[Ross and Judy enter the living room. Judy and Ross sit down on the couch beside Jack. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the coffee table.]

Monica: Mom, uh, Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is.

Mrs. Geller: Oh, thank you Chandler! I just bought it.

Chandler: Oh, yes. Well it’s very beautiful. It’s cream-colored and tight [Realizes what he just said and looks worried. Monica and Ross also looked shocked. Judy and Jack give Chandler a very dirty look.] I don’t mean tight, I mean it’s not too tight, not that I was looking at-[giving up all hope, he puts his head into his hands.]

Mr. Geller: What’s the matter with him?

Mrs. Geller: (whispers to Jack a little loudly) I think he’s stoned again.

Chandler: (shocked) What?

Monica: (shocked) What?

Ross: (worried) Dude, I need to talk to you a sec.

[Ross and Chandler get up and go into Rachel’s old room.]

[Scene: Rachel’s old room. It’s pretty much empty except for a few boxes against the walls. Ross and Chandler enter.]

Ross: Okay, I think I might know why my parents don’t like you.

Chandler: You do? Why?

Ross: Okay, remember, we were young. Hey, Spring break, sophomore year, I got high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it and so I told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window.

Chandler: What?! Why did you do that?

Ross: I don’t know, aheh, your’s was the first name that-that popped into my head, I’m I’m sorry. I-I didn’t think it would matter.

Chandler: How could it not matter?!

Ross: How was I supposed to know we’d end up being friends after college, let alone you-you would be living with my sister?

Chandler: What about all that “friends forever” stuff?

Ross: I don’t know, I-I was all high.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Rachel’s Old Bedroom, Continued from earlier. Monica enters the room.]

Monica: Mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you (points to Chandler) were trying to get Ross stoned!

Chandler: Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me!

Monica: Ross, I can’t believe you’d do that!

Chandler: The reason we haven’t told them we’re together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this?

Ross: Okay, okay, I’ll tell ‘em it wasn’t Chandler who got high. Now who should I say it was?

Monica: You! It’s not like it’s a big deal! You-you don’t still do it or anything!

Ross: Alright, alright, now-now who should I say tricked me into doing it?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Time lapse. Jack is still on the couch, picking his teeth with his feet on the table. Phoebe and Judy are sitting on the table looking at him. Ross and Chandler are sitting by the window talking. Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen fooling with Rachel’s trifle. Monica walks into the living room from the kitchen.]

Monica: Dad, please don’t pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if you’re gonna put your feet up, why don’t you sit on the-

Phoebe: Monica, leave him alone!

[Monica gives Phoebe a surprised expression and goes over to Ross and Chandler.]

Joey: (to Rachel) Will you hurry up? Did you not hear me before when I told you that all of Janine’s friends are dancers?! And that they’re going to be drinking alot!?

Rachel: (sarcastically) No, I did, but tell me again, because it’s so romantic.

Joey: Well you’re whippin’ so slow! Can’t you do it any faster?

Rachel: Joey! Come on! I don’t wanna make any mistakes, alright? This is the only dessert and if I screw it up everybody's gonna be like “Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?”

[Joey gives her an understanding look.]

Rachel: So why don’t you just let me worry about making the trifle and you just worry about eating it, alright?

Joey: Oh I am!

[Chandler and Monica are by the window pressuring Ross to tell his parents the truth.]

Monica: Ross, if you don’t tell them, then I will!

Ross: Okay, fine!

[Ross gets up to go tell his parents.]

[Joey rushes over.]

Joey: Ross! Can I talk to you for a second?

Ross: Oh, uh, can it wait a second Joey? I have to tell my parents something. No it can’t? Okay.

[Monica and Chandler make “What was that?” gestures. Joey and Ross go into Rachel’s old room.]

[Scene: Rachel’s old room, Ross and Joey enter.]

Joey: Okay, look, I think we have to tell Rachel she messed up her dessert.

Ross: What?! What is with everybody? It’s Thanksgiving, not...Truth-Day!

Joey: Look, when everyone eats that...that...Banana-Meat thing, they’re all gonna’ make fun of her, do you want that?

Ross: Okay, okay, we’ll just get everyone to act like they like it. That-that way noone makes fun of her and we still get to go to Sweet Potatoe Pie! (Referring to the dancers.)

Joey: (scolding) Dude, they’re not objects.

[Ross makes a sorry face.]

Joey: Just kiddin,’ I’ll talk to them, you distract Rach.

[Joey and Ross go back out into the main area.]

Ross: Hey Rach, can I talk to you outside for a second?

Rachel: Okay...

[The hallway. Rachel and Ross go out and they just stand there for a few seconds.]

Rachel: What’s up, Ross?

Ross: So um...Thanksgiving. The holiday season is upon us, hm?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: And um...You look nice today.

Rachel: Oh no. No Ross, don’t do this.

Ross: What?

Rachel: I just- I don’t think us getting back together is a good idea.

Ross: (shocked) Eh?

Rachel: I thought this might happen today. Ross, I know the holidays can be rough. Y’know? And it’s probably really hard for you to be alone right now.

Ross: (cutting her off) You’re alone.

Rachel: No, I-I live with Phoebe. I mean you’re [pity-tone] alone, alone. And I just-it’s just not the time for us. I’m sorry.

Ross: (just trying to get out of the conversation) Ah well, can’t blame a guy for trying!

[Inside Monica and Chandler’s. Joey is almost done explaining the situation to everyone.]

Joey: Oh and (Ross begins to open the door and Joey says some gibberish word to indicate to Ross that he’s not done yet. Ross closes the door again.) Okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach (Rubs his stomach) or uh, or saying “mmm” and uh, oh oh! And smiling (Smiles while pretending to stir a bowl), okay?

Chandler: Yeah, I’m not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore.

[Ross and Rachel re-enter.]

Joey: Rachel, there you are! Come on, let’s serve that dessert already!

Rachel: Joey, you’re gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? You don’t get any dessert.

Joey: (happily) Really?

Rachel: No, I’m just kidding I would never do that to you! Okay, everybody, it’s trifle time!

Phoebe: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional English trifle, isn’t it?

Rachel: It sure is.

Phoebe: Wow. So then did you make it with beef or Eggplant?

Rachel: Beef.

Phoebe: I can’t have any. You know I don’t eat meat. (Faking dissapointment.) Ohhh no.

[Phoebe gets up and goes into Rachel’s old room, a smile on her face.]

Rachel: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the first taste.

Monica: Really?

[Rachel hands Monica a plate. Monica takes a spoonful of the whipped cream portion.]

Rachel: Oh oh oh, wait! You only got whipped cream in there! Ya gotta take a bite with all the layers!

Monica: Okay.

[Monica takes a bigger spoonful and a pea falls off]

Rachel: Op! Wait, you dropped a pea.

[Monica puts the pea on top of the spoonful and takes a bite.]

Rachel: Well?

Monica: (faking joy. Rubbing her stomach and smiling at the same time, like Joey said) Mmmm! It’s good!

Rachel: Really? How good?

Monica: It’s so good, that I feel really selfish about being the only one who’s eating it, that I think we should have everyone taste how good it is. Especially Ross.

[Ross glares at Monica.]

[Everyone takes a bite of their trifle.]

All: (faking enjoyment) Mmm.

Chandler: (clearly lying and hating the dessert) Yeah, this is so good, that I’m gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert.

[Chandler exits to the balcony.]

Mrs. Geller: (lying) I’ve gotta call my friend Mary and tell her how good this is, from Monica’s room.

Mr. Geller: (also lying) I’ll help you dial.

[Jack and Judy exit to Monica’s room.]

Monica: (again, lying) I’m gonna go into the bathroom so I can look at it in the mirror, as I eat it.

[Monica exits to the bathroom.]

Rachel: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-does it not taste good? Let me try it.

[Rachel reaches for Ross’s plate]

Ross: Wha? No no! Ah! (Ross scarfs all of his trifle down in about a second. He looks like he’s going to throw up.) (Lying) All gone! So good! Maybe Chandler has some left.

[Rachel leaves to the balcony.]

Ross: It tastes like feet!

Joey: I like it.

Ross: Are you kidding?

Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood.

[Rachel and Chandler re-emerge from the balcony.]

Rachel: ...So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street?

[Chandler makes a fake "I know I couldn’t believe it either" gesture.]

Chandler: (lying) Yes, but if it’s any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it.

[Phoebe comes back from Rachel’s old room.]

Phoebe: Rachel, come here. (Rachel walks over to Phoebe. Chandler sits down on the lounge-chair.) Okay, I was just starting to take my Thanksgiving nap, and I had another dream about Jack.

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, do I wanna hear this?

Phoebe: I dunno, let’s see! So, okay, I dreamt that we were gonna get married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fire. And, um, so okay, I went to a night club, and I saw him making out with a girl.

Rachel: (humoring Phoebe) Oh my God, he dream-cheated on you!

Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen.

[Jack and Judy come out of Monica’s room and sit down on the couch.]

Mr. Geller: Boy, I’m glad I wore the big belt today.

Phoebe: Five minutes ago, a line like that would’ve floored me. Now nothing. Well, not nothing, I am still a woman.

[Rachel and Phoebe walk into the kitchen. Monica comes out of the bathroom and goes over to Ross.]

Monica: Ross? Let’s go.

Ross: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter.

Monica: Alright, you know what? That’s it. You’ve had your chance.

Ross: Wha-what?

Monica: (out loud, to her parents) Mom! Dad! Ross smoked pot in college!

Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What?!

Ross: (in a 5 year old’s tone) (To Monica) You are such a tattletale! Mom, Dad, you remember that-that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana?

Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Yes. (They look at Chandler angrily.)

Ross: Well I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. I’m sorry.

Mrs. Geller: It was you?

Monica: And Dad, y’know that mailman that you got fired? He didn’t steal your Playboys! Ross did!

[The Gellers stare at Ross. Ross looks at his parents with an afraid, shocked look.]

Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing, Monica did!

[The Gellers glare at Monica.]

[Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the table, looking at the Geller siblings like they’re weirdos.]

Monica: Ross hasn’t worked at the museum for a year!

[The Gellers glare at Ross.]

Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!

[The Gellers glare at Monica, shocked]

[Monica and Chandler both are shocked. Ross gives Monica a “take that!” look.]

Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced! Again!!!!

[The Gellers glare at Ross.]

Phoebe: (joining in) I love Jacques Cousteau!

Rachel: (reading the recipe magazine, finally figuring out that...) I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle!

Joey: (pounding the table) I wanna gooooooo!

Mrs. Geller: (rubbing her temples) That’s alot of information to get in in thirty seconds! Alright Joey, if wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren’t supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I’m sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. (Phoebe makes a sad face.) Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you were in an important relationship is beyond me.

Mr. Geller: And we kinda figured about the porch swing.

Mrs. Geller: Ross, drugs? Divorced? Again?

Mr. Geller: What happened son?

Ross: I-I uh, I got tricked into all those things!

Mrs. Geller: Chandler! You’ve been Ross’s best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems. (Ross gets disgusted.) And now you’ve taken on Monica as well. Well, I don’t know what to say. You’re a wonderful human being.

[Chandler is mega shocked!]

Chandler: Thank you!

Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! (Hugs Chandler) Monica, and Ross! I don’t know what I’m gonna do about the two of you!

Chandler: (In a parent-like tone) I’ll talk to them!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Everyone is helping clean the table.]

Rachel: You guys! It was bananas, cream, and beef! I-I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn’t feel bad!

Monica: Well actually, I-I didn’t eat mine. It’s still in the bathroom.

Joey: No it isn’t, I ate that.

Mrs. Geller: (pointing to herself and Jack) Well we left ours in Monica’s bedroom.

Joey: Nope, got it and I got yours (Pointing to Jack) too.

End

The One With The Routinue

Written by: Brian Boyle

Transcribed by: Samantha Stein

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, everyone except Ross is decorating the tree.]

Chandler: Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights.

Rachel: That’s a good story, Grandpa.

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey

All: Hey

Ross: Wow, Monica’s letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or?

Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It’s about being with the people that you love.

Phoebe: That is nice and we’re done. TADA!

(Her side of the tree looks a complete mess)

Chandler: I dunno what it is, it just doesn’t quite feel like Christmas to me.

Monica: Oh, here.

(She turns the tree around so that her side, which is perfectly decorated, is showing)

Chandler: See now it feels like Christmas!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Joey are there.]

Ross: … and that’s the story of the dreidle. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolising life’s triumph over death. And that was like 4000 years ago.

Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey you guys.

Chandler: Hey Joe what’s up?

Joey: I had to get out of the apartment. Janine is like stretching all over the place. Y’know, everywhere I look she’s like… (He imitates her stretching)

Chandler: I can see why that’s hard to resist.

Joey: I like her so much!

Monica: Aw, I’m sorry sweetie that she doesn’t feel the same way.

Joey: I know. And she’s so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair.

Chandler: You are aware that she’s not a monkey, right?

Ross: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot, but now she’s like OLD NEWS!

(Janine enters)

Janine: Hey guys!

Ross: Hi Janine!

Janine: I just got a call to be a dancer on a television special for New Year’s Eve. It’s called some sort of Dick’n Rock’n Dickie Eve.

Monica: Hold it! Are you talking about Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve?

Janine: Yeah, that’s what I said.

Monica: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I have been watching it since I can remember!

Chandler: Ah, you’re still just a little fat girl inside aren’t you? (He kisses her on the cheek)

Janine: Well I’m gonna be on it this year. I’m gonna be one of the party people.

Ross: You’re gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most!

Janine: Well they said I should bring someone. (To Joey) Do you wanna be my dance partner?

Joey: Totally! I would love to spend New Year’s with you.

Janine: Well actually they’re taping tomorrow. I don’t really understand why.

Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that.

Janine: Yeah well, do you guys wanna come too?

Ross: Are you serious?

Monica: We are there!

(Rachel laughs)

Chandler: What, what are you laughing at?

Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but you’re still going out with her!

(Gunther brings Janine a coffee)

Janine: Thanks. (To Monica and Ross) Great so we can all go together! I gotta run. Catch you later!

(Janine leaves)

All: Bye!

Ross: Bye Janine!

Joey: Did she just ask me out on a date?

Chandler: I don’t think so.

Monica: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium!

Rachel: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, I’m sorry, but I don’t think that was a romantic thing.

Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. We’re going to a New Year’s Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Y’know? But if she says ‘Dude, what the hell are you doing?’ I can say ‘It wasn’t me, it was New Years!’

Rachel: Well, that’s a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick.

Ross: It was a dry day.

Monica: We are going to Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve!

Ross: Oh my God!

Monica: Oh my God!

Chandler: (To Rachel) Oh my God!

[Scene: The Set, Joey, Janine, Ross and Monica are walking in.]

Joey: OK, listen I’ve been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? It’s a show, but we’re just dancing, OK? It’s no big deal. The important thing to remember – stay cool.

Ross: Got it!

(They get to the main stage)

Ross: Oh my God it’s just like I dreamed it!

Director: OK, everyone gather up.

(Monica and Ross push to the front)

Monica and Ross: ‘Scuse us

Director: Here’s what’s gonna happen. The music’s gonna start, you’re gonna dance, we’re gonna tape, you don’t look at the camera. Any questions?

Ross: Yeah, I have a question. When is this gonna air?

(He and Monica laugh)

Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.

Joey: Ross! So when is it gonna air?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.]

Rachel: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.

Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I’m right here.

Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don’t you take a walk? This doesn’t concern you.

Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.

Chandler: What? That’s terrible!

Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!

Chandler: Oh well, that makes it not terrible.

Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She’s always best at us that wily minx.

Rachel: Don’t worry, we’re just gonna search here for an hour, them we’re gonna go over to Joey’s and search, OK?

Chandler: No not okay, you can’t look for Monica’s presents!

Phoebe: But we have to!

Chandler: No, you don’t have to, and you can’t because I live here too.

Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.

Chandler: Why?

Rachel: Chandler, aren’t you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?

Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.

Phoebe: Oh, that’s it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea!

Rachel: Chandler, that’s not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you’ve just gotten her one great present? I mean that’s just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?

Chandler: If I help, we can find ‘em faster!

Rachel: That’s right!

(Phoebe looks under the couch)

Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!

Rachel: Oh, it’s a Macy’s bag!

(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)

Phoebe: Ooh, who’s it for?

Rachel: (Reading) Dear losers, do you really think I’d hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they’d break you.

Phoebe: Uh-oh. She may be onto us.

Rachel: We are so gonna find them this year.

Chandler: Y’know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don’t, you don’t do that every year do you?

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: You don’t, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?

Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that

(They turn away.)

Chandler: Because that’s where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I’ve never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.)

[Scene: The Set, everyone is dancing.]

Monica: Okay, here comes another camera.

Ross: Right. No biggie. Stay loose.

(As the camera passes by, they start to dance really rigid, but the camera is facing the other way.)

Ross: Why do they keep doing that?

Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those platforms. They’ve been taping those people up there all day.

Ross: Right.

(They move towards a platform, dancing really strangely as they go)

Ross: Hey, what’d you guys do to get up on there?

Girl: We learned how to dance.

Monica: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on underpants?

Ross: Yeah!

(Camera pans to Joey and Janine)

Janine: Hey! You’re a good dancer!

Joey: Really?

Janine: Yeah, well you’d be better if you just loosened your hips a little.

Joey: What do you mean?

Janine: Like this.

(She pulls Joey towards her and dances really close to him.)

Janine: That’s it, feel the rhythm. That’s better.

Joey: Uh-huh.

Director: (To Joey) Okay, you’re dancing with that girl over there.

Joey: No-no-no-no-no we came together!

Director: I don’t see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)

Joey: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and I think I have a shot.

Director: Really, y’think so? I don’t..

(He leaves, and this girl grabs Joey and starts dancing really wild.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are there and Chandler enters.]

Chandler: I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-hey, oh hey!

Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats.

Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap!

Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for you.

Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great!

Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing?

Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great gift!

Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz.

Rachel: Ha!

Chandler: Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay?

Rachel: Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey!

(Chandler does the weird clicky thing again.)

[Scene: The Set, the girl is still dancing with Joey.]

Joey: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the bathroom? I just.. (The girl starts dancing really close to him, so he picks her up, twirls her round, and puts her against a platform) Here we go. (He walks away to find Monica and Ross doing a really out of place dance) Looking good Gellers!

Ross: We know!

Monica: Hey, see that snippy guy over there? He’s the one who decides who gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him.

Ross: Okay.

(They dance over to him.)

Director: Okay, everybody hold!

(Ross and Monica high-five)

Director: Next on the platforms are… (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where he’s pointing to. He points away from them) …you two! And… (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) …You two!

Monica: Excuse me, sir, would it help if I weren’t wearing underpants?

Ross: Monica! (Pause) Would it?

(The director shakes his head.)

[Scene: The Men’s Bathroom, the tall guy is there as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about that girl that you’re dancing with.

Tall Guy: She’s nice, huh? To think I almost brought my wife to this!

Joey: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came with that girl, and I had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown – I’m trying to win her over, so I was wondering if..

Tall Guy: No I don’t think so.

Joey: Oh come on man, you can dance with my partner, she’s real, uh, mellow!

Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you came with?

Joey: Well, I was hoping after tonight that maybe I could you know…

Tall Guy: No, no. She’s fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy!

Joey: Alright, alright, hey y’know fair is fair, (he pretends to wash his hands) if you’re right, you’re right, what can I say, but hey oh no! (He throws water on the guy’s pants)

Tall Guy: God! What are you, in second grade?

Joey: Hey, now you’re the one who wet his pants. (He throws another handful on him and runs out)

[Scene: The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing.]

Monica: Man, this sucks! Y’know if Mom and Dad don’t see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, who’s gonna be the losers then?

Ross: Hey, I know what’ll get us up on a platform!

Monica: What?

Ross: The routine!

Monica: Ross, we haven’t done the routine since middle school.

Ross: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, he’ll wanna build us our own platform!

Monica: Was it really that good?

Ross: We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, it’s almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice?

Monica: Okay, let’s do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced!

(They move into a space, and Ross points to his eyes and then to hers)

Monica: 5 6 7 8!

(They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have to watch it. I’m sorry.)

(When they finish, they walk over to the director)

Ross: So, do we really have to ask who’s going up on the platform next?

Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!

Monica: Yes! (They run over to a platform)

Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, they’re gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again it’s gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybody’s excitement.

[Cut to Joey and Janine]

Tall Guy: Hey, pal, you have about three seconds to get away from my partner.

Director: What’s going on over here?

Joey: Uh, take a look at the guy’s pants! I mean, I know you told us to show excitement, but don’t you think he went a little overboard?

Director: What’s the matter with you? Get out of here!

Joey: Yeah, take a hike wetpants!

(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)

[Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a platform!]

Ross: Can you believe this? We’re gonna be on the platform for the Millennium moment!

Monica: I know! Hey, you haven’t been practising the routine, have you?

Ross: No!

Monica: Me too!

Ross: Hey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe goind into the robot, y’know? (He mimics a robot)

Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we don’t wanna look stupid!

Director: Alright we’re back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)

Joey’s Head: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny.

All: Three, Two, One!

Director: Cut!

Joey: No! Year! Happy No Year!

Director: Okay, here’s where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone that’s a wrap!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, Chandler and Rachel are there, and Phoebe enters with the Chick and the Duck.]

Phoebe: Hey! Look who I found!

Chandler: Oh, hey guys!

Phoebe: Y’know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden.

Chandler: Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter.

Phoebe: Or we could just follow your clever jokes – any ideas? No! Didn’t think so! Okay, c’mon guys, show us where the presents are!

Chandler: Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that’s as good as garbage?

Phoebe: Hmm, how about my azzz?

(Rachel sits on the window seat, and knocks against it)

Rachel: Hey, this is hollow.

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: This bench, it’s hollow! I can’t believe I never knew that! (She pushes all the pillows off it and opens it up) Oh, the presents!!!

Phoebe: No, don’t look directly at them!

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Alright, no, we could look at them!

Rachel: Oh, this one’s for me!

Phoebe: Oh, this one’s for Chandler. Here.

Chandler: Oh great!

Phoebe: And the big one’s for me!

Rachel: Ooh, let’s open them!

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay!

Phoebe: Hee hee!

Chandler: Wait, we can’t do this.

Phoebe and Rachel: Why?

Chandler: I don’t wanna know what Monica got me. Y’know? I mean, look, I’m sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about.

Rachel: Whatever Linus, I’m opening mine.

Chandler: Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don’t know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica’s face when I give her my present, and I’m sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back?

Phoebe: Will you get us better gifts?

Chandler: Fine!

(Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.)

Monica: Hey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier?

Chandler: That’s what you got me?

Phoebe: Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless.

(Rachel leans over to look at him.)

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, they both enter.]

Joey: Home sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get back to reality. Plus we know how the New Year’s gonna go off. I guess there’s no reason for all that Y2K panic, y’know? Anyway, g’night!

Janine: Joey.

Joey: Yeah?

Janine: (She takes his hands) 3, 2, 1. (She kisses him) Happy New Year.

Joey: Oh, yoii. What was that for?

Janine: Well, I don’t know tonight when they yelled cut and we didn’t get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to kiss you

Joey: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to kiss you too. In the moment.

Janine: In the moment, yeah.

Joey: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna kiss again?

Janine: Sure, New Year’s Eve is only two weeks away. Can you wait?

Joey: No.

Janine: Me neither.

Joey: 3, 2,

Janine: Joey, you don’t have to count down every time we kiss.

Joey: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I needed a couple of seconds to get ready.

(They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Joey is there.]

Monica: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled ‘CUT!’

Rachel: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from eighth grade?

Monica: Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. (To Ross) Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me!

Rachel: ‘Cos I was gonna say there’s no way you could’ve done the end the way you guys did it back then!

Monica: What? We could do it!

Ross: I don’t know, I mean you were a lot bigger, I mean, stronger back then.

Monica: I can do it, okay? Come on, let’s go. (She and Ross get up)

Monica and Ross: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Ross runs to be caught by Monica, but she moves out of the way)

Monica: I can’t do it! (Ross falls into Monica’s room)

Chandler: Now you do that, you’re on TV.

End

The One With The Apothecary Table

Teleplay by: Brian Boyle

Story by: Zachary Rosenblatt

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is there as Joey enters happily.]

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance with Janine?

Monica: Honey, we have been through this before!

Rachel: Yeah. Don’t do this to yourself.

Phoebe: She’s made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen.

Joey: Well all right then, I guess I shouldn’t get to excited about the fact (excitedly) that I just kissed her!

Monica: You serious?!

Chandler: That’s great!

Monica: Really?!

Phoebe: Yeah well, we’ll see.

Ross: You kissed her.

Joey: Oh we kissed it up real nice.

Chandler: So you kissed her, so what happened after that?

Joey: I came over here to tell you guys.

Chandler: So she’s just waiting over there for ya?

(Joey nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out of the apartment and back to his place.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Janine are pretty much making out at one of the tables as Monica and Rachel look on from the couch.]

Janine: I gotta go.

Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)

Janine: I’m gonna be really late for dance class!

Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)

Janine: Okay, now I’m really late. (Gets up.)

Joey: Okay, I’m all right, okay, but hey, could you just leave your lips? (She kisses him on the cheek and starts to leave.)

Janine: (to Monica and Rachel) Bye.

Monica: Bye. (Janine exits.)

Joey: Have you kissed her yet? It’s awesome! I could do it forever! Y’know what? She-she kisses better than my mom cooks!

Monica: I am so glad you said cooks.

Rachel: I know.

Chandler: (entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)

Rachel: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! (Grabs the aforementioned catalog and holds the rest back out to Chandler.) You can throw the rest away.

Chandler: I’m not your garbage man. I’m your mailman.

Rachel: Monica look! Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered. (Shows her the picture.)

Monica: You got it from Pottery Barn?!

Rachel: Yeah! It’s an apothecary table. Does anyone even know what an apothecary is?

Chandler: A pharmacist. (Rachel mocks him.)

Monica: Rach, Phoebe hates Pottery Barn.

Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too. They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed!

Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!

Joey: (indignant) I was tired!

Rachel: Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?!

Monica: Yeah, she hates all mass produced stuff. She thinks her furniture should have a history, a story behind it.

Rachel: Well this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store.

Monica: It’s gotta be one of a kind. Y’know like umm, y’know uh, what’s that God awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter?

Joey: Hey! I made that for her!

Chandler: You made pottery?

Joey: Yeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in the garbage.

Monica: I’m telling—If you put that in her apartment you’ll never hear the end of it.

Rachel: Okay fine! I’ll-I’ll just tell her it’s an antique apothecary table, she doesn’t have to know where it came from. Oh! Look at this little drawers! Oh look-look it says that it holds 300 CDs.

Chandler: Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore…

[Scene: The Hallway between the apartments, Joey, Janine, Chandler, and Monica are returning from a double date. Chandler is telling a joke.]

Chandler: …so then the farmer says, "That’s not a cow and you’re not milking it." (Everyone laughs.)

Monica: I am so glad you guys got together, Chandler and I are always looking for a couple to go out with and now we have one!

Chandler: Look at us, we’re a couple of couples!

Janine: I had so much fun tonight, and what a great restaurant.

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: And Chandler I can’t believe I let you pay for this one. (They hug and he whispers in his ear.) Thanks man.

Monica: So do you guys gonna come over tomorrow? I’ll make that pasta thing I was telling you about.

Janine: Oh that would be great!

Joey: Oh, but hey look, at least let us bring the wine.

Monica: Joey, you don’t have too!

Joey: Nope-op! I insist! (He hugs Chandler again and whispers to him.) You get the wine right?

Chandler: Yeah all right. (They part.) Okay, good night guys.

Joey: See ya tomorrow!

Monica: Tomorrow!

Janine: Can’t wait! (They each go into their respective apartments.)

[Cut to Joey and Janine’s.]

Janine: How are we gonna get out of that one?

Joey: What?

Janine: I can’t handle two nights in a row with them.

Joey: What-what’s wrong with Monica and Chandler?

Janine: I don’t know, they’re just a little blah!

Joey: Blah?!

Janine: Well y’know, he’s blah, she’s just—she’s very loud for such a small person.

Joey: Uh, they’re like my best friends. Are you saying we can’t hang out with them? ‘Cause that would kinda be a problem.

Janine: No! Of course we can still hang out with them. Just y’know, not two nights in a row. Okay?

Joey: I guess.

Janine: Thank you. (They kiss.)

Joey: If you want, I’ll sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents.

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is placing CDs into her antique apothecary table as Phoebe returns home.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: (sees the table) Ooh, what a great table! Where-where did you get it?

Rachel: Guess!

Phoebe: Umm, a flea market?

Rachel: Ha! See, I knew, I knew you’d get it on the first guess. Isn’t it cool! It’s an apothecary table.

Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where (She’s opening and closing the drawers) they kept all the stuff to make their potions.

Rachel: Ohh, yes.

Phoebe: Y’know? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium.

Rachel: Almost.

Phoebe: How much was it?

Rachel: It was only 500 bucks.

Phoebe: 500 bucks at a flea market?!

Rachel: Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was new, y’know like back then.

Phoebe: Oh no.

Rachel: Yeah no, I mean it was at a flea market, so it was y’know, it was like a dollar.

Phoebe: A dollar?

Rachel: And fifty. So it was like one and fifty dollars.

Phoebe: Ohh, okay, they gave you the old time pricing.

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Well, what period is it from?

Rachel: Uh, it’s from yore. Like the days of yore. Y’know?

Phoebe: Yes, yes I do. God, oh it’s just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like y’know where it was from or…

Rachel: Yes! That I know, this is from White Plains.

Phoebe: (gasps) White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is entering as Ross comes out of the kitchen carrying popcorn.]

Rachel: Hey! We’re here!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: (seeing his new table) Ohh! Oh my God!

Ross: You like it?

Rachel: Oh no!

Ross: It’s my new apothecary table!

Rachel: Ross! Phoebe’s gonna be here any second, she cannot see this!

Ross: Well why not?! She’ll-she’ll love it! It’s the real thing! I got it at Pottery Barn.

Rachel: I know you did! I bought the same one! And if she sees your table she’s gonna know that I lied to her. I told her ours was an original.

Ross: Why did you do that?

Rachel: Because she hates Pottery Barn.

Ross: She hates Pottery Barn?!!

Rachel: I know! I know, she says it’s all mass-produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. (Ross looks at his table.) So come on, she’s gonna be here any second! Can we please just cover this up with something?! Please?

Ross: What? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe—Ooh, although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets! (Gets them.)

Rachel: Ooo! Oh, I forgot they made sheets!

Ross: Uh, yeah! I still can’t believe she hates Pottery Barn!

Rachel: Ross, get over it! It’s not like she hates you.

Ross: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y’know what I think? It’s just she-she’s weird. Y’know it’s because she’s a twin. Twins are weird.

Rachel: Ross, she’s not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind.

Ross: Huh. Y’know what’s not one of a kind? A twin!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Ooh, Phoebe’s here! Okay, let’s turn out all the lights and we’ll just watch the movie!

Phoebe: Okay. Hey—Ooh, cool sheets! (Notices the sheet over the table.)

Ross: Oh, you like it? You wanna know where I got it?

Phoebe: Sure!

Rachel: He got it a flea market!

Phoebe: You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little.

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Joey is pacing around as Chandler and Monica enter.]

Monica: Hey!

Joey: Hi!

Monica: The dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. This is so exciting.

Chandler: And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn’t afford it, because you paid dinner last night.

Joey: Thanks. Thanks, but uh actually it’s just gonna be me again tonight.

Monica: What happened to Janine?

Joey: Oh, she’s uh-uh really sick.

Chandler: Oh that’s too bad.

Joey: Yeah, she’s been in there all day (Points to her room), uh high fever, a nose problem… Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!

Janine: (entering from her room) Monica! Chandler! I’m really-really sorry about tonight. I don’t know if Joey told you; I just couldn’t get out of going to this play. I’m sorry. Have a great time.

Joey: ‘Kay!

Janine: Bye. (Exits)

Chandler: That’s funny, I saw no phlegm.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, continued from earlier.]

Joey: No-no, she really is sick!

Chandler: Then why-why is she going to a play?!

Joey: Uh, y’know, starve a fever, go to a play for a cold.

Monica: Joey! Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?!

Joey: Well uh, she didn’t want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row. I’m so sorry.

Chandler: Well, why does she not want to hang out with us?!

Joey: Because she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and that you, Monica, are too loud.

Monica: (loudly) What?!! (Quietly) What?

Chandler: So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces?!

Monica: Ugh, I can not believe this! I mean, who is she to judge us? We could not have been nicer to her!

Chandler: And I am not blah, I am a hoot!

Joey: I know! I know! Come on, please-please you guys, don’t-don’t be mad. I’m sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends! Y’know? And it was our first date! Plus, she’s really sick!

Chandler: No, you sh—No you said you made that up!!

Joey: I know, but don’t you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing?

Chandler: Eh, they’re both good. I generally just go with, Monica’s drunk again. (Monica glares at him.)

Joey: Come on you guys, come on please-please just give her another chance, huh? She’ll come around I promise.

Monica: Of course we will, come on we gotta make dinner.

Chandler: Okay.

(They exit and close the door.)

Monica: (from the hallway) I do not like that woman!

Joey: (shouting) I can hear you!

Monica: I am loud!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are watching a movie.]

All: Aww! (They all laugh.)

Rachel: That’s funny. (Phoebe puts her feet up on Ross’s table.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new…(On Rachel’s glare)…old sheet?

Phoebe: Oh sure! (She goes to take her feet off, but drags the sheet with her which spills the wine.) Noo!

Rachel: Ohh!!

Ross: My apothecary table!!!

Phoebe: What?!

Rachel: Noooooo!! (Phoebe lifts up the sheet to discover the exact same apothecary table they have.)

Phoebe: Ross, where did you get this?!

Ross: I got it at Pottery Barn!! Okay?!

Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique!

Phoebe: Wow! Oh my God, well if they’ve ripped off our table ours must be much more than one and fifty dollars!

Rachel: Oh yes.

Phoebe: Well this doesn’t even smell like opium.

Ross: Of course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! And thanks for wrecking my sheet by the way.

Phoebe: Oh Ross, calm down, I’ll give you the 80 cents. (Ross glares at Rachel)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table.]

Chandler: Okay, one more time.

Monica: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice?

Chandler: Perfect decibel.

Monica: (loudly) I know!!!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: So uh, what are you guys doing?

Chandler: Oh nothing, we’re just talking. Y’know, blah-blah-blah.

Joey: Look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine.

Monica: Well, I’d like to but, (extremely quietly) I’m not sure we have time to go.

Joey: Ha-ha, very funny—Look! I don’t know what to do! I really want you guys to get along. Just please come to the movie with us. I mean you owe me!

Monica: We owe you?!

Joey: That’s right! I helped you guys out a lot in the start of your relationship. Huh? I helped you guys sneak around for like six months, and I looked like an idiot! And I was humiliated. And I only made 200 dollars!

Monica: We didn’t give you any money! (Chandler is motioning, "No!")

Joey: You don’t think I know that!

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is showing Ross around the newly decorated living room.]

Rachel: …see I can’t decide whether it would go better next to the new wicker dining chair, the Sahara desk, or the Parker console table.

Ross: Wow! I didn’t know that there was a Pottery Barn up here.

Rachel: I know, I know. I went a little crazy.

Ross: A little? Your place looks like page 72 of the catalogue. Oh look at that! The ornamental bird cage! Large!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: (sees Ross) Oh Ross no. Be careful, that is very old! Okay? Early Colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that.

Ross: (glaring at Rachel) Fascinating.

Phoebe: (gasps) Another amazing find! Wow! Oh I bet this has a great story too!

Rachel: Oh it does, it does! It is a room separating apparatus from Colonial times.

Phoebe: Ah!

Ross: Hmm, a lot of this stuff is from Colonial times. Hey, what are some other time periods Rachel? (She glares at him.)

Rachel: Well there’s yore. And uh, y’know, yesteryear.

Phoebe: Yeah no, I’m telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, y’know if you ever decide you need to redecorate—And I think that you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help.

Rachel: Oh honey he doesn’t need my help.

Phoebe: Oh, come on! I think he’s ready to get rid of, what did you call it? The cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk.

Ross: Really?! (To Rachel) Hey, y’know what? Since you have such a great sense of what I need, uh ooh, here’s-here’s 60 bucks, why don’t you take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff.

Rachel: (not sure of what to do) Y’know what? I don’t, I don’t think Phoebe really wants to come.

Phoebe: No! I do want to!

Rachel: Oh, she does want to.

Ross: She does want to.

Phoebe: Yeah!

[Scene: The Street, Phoebe and Rachel are heading back from that Colonial flea market.]

Rachel: Pheebs, I don’t know what to say. I guess the flea market was just better last time.

Phoebe: Well at least I got these sheets for Ross.

Rachel: Yeah.

(They walk by a Pottery Barn window display.)

Phoebe: Uck, look at this! Pottery Barn, yuck!

Rachel: Yeah, y’know what? Don’t look at it. (Realizes the display is their living room) Seriously, don’t look at it. (Tries to pull Phoebe away.)

Phoebe: No! Look-look! There’s the coffee table they stole from us!

Rachel: Ugh, those bastards! Let’s go.

Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the…wait a sec! This is our exact living room!

Rachel: No! No! No! No it’s not! No it’s not! Come on! Phoebe, ours is totally different! I mean we don’t have the… (Looks desperately for something different.) We don’t have the…that lamp! And-and that screen is y’know, on the other side.

Phoebe: Oh my God. This is where you got all our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh my God!

Rachel: Okay! Okay-okay look—no I did, I just wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn. Just… Come on don’t be mad.

Phoebe: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it’s all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I don’t have that lamp!

Rachel: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross.

Phoebe: I can’t! I can’t! Unless… Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn’t buy that lamp?

Rachel: What?! No! I’m not gonna move out!

Phoebe: But are you saying that you would move out if I didn’t buy that lamp?

Rachel: (gets it) Oh. Yes! I would so move out!

Phoebe: Okay then I don’t have a choice! I have to buy that lamp!

Rachel: That’s right!

(They start to go inside.)

Phoebe: But at least the apothecary table is real.

[Scene: The hallway, Joey, Janine, Monica, and Chandler are returning from their second date.]

Joey: Well, this-this-this was great. Didn’t everybody have a great time?

Janine: Well I did. I really did. And you guys, I’ve got to say, I’m sorry if I was a little weird after the last time we went out. I guess I was just nervous or something.

Chandler: That’s totally understandable.

Monica: Don’t worry about it.

Janine: So we can go out again?

Chandler: Oh yeah!

Monica: Absolutely!

Janine: Oh good.

Joey: Oh well then, good night!

Monica: Good night! (They go into their respective apartments.)

[Cut to Joey and Janine’s, they’re entering.]

Joey: See? Eh, wasn’t that fun?

Janine: We have got to move!

Monica: (bursting in) I knew it!! Y’know, you’re not so quiet yourself, missy!

Chandler: And I’m blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment."

Janine: Y’know, I know you’re talking, but all I hear is, "Blah. Blah. Blah-blah-blah."

Monica: (steps up and points at her) All right! You and me! Let’s go! Right now!

Joey: All right! All right! Enough! Enough! Enough!! Enough! (To Chandler and Monica) You two go home! I-I-I gotta talk to Janine! (They start to leave.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Y’know I think you can take her.

Monica: (to Janine) You’d better hope I don’t see you in the hallway!! (They exit.)

Joey: All right, uh, we’ve got a little bit of a problem here. These people are my friends; you can’t treat them that way.

Janine: They said stuff to me too, y’know!

Joey: I know! I know! And I’m going to talk to them about it. They mean so much to me. They… They’re like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I… I don’t think we can be together. It just, it just can’t work. It can’t. (Starts to break up) I’m very upset.

Janine: Okay. Okay. Would, would it help if I went over and apologized?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah! That would be very helpful! Yeah. (He opens the door for her and she exits into the hallway.)

[Cut to the hallway, Janine is entering as Monica is taking out the garbage.]

Monica: What did I tell you about the hall?!

Janine: I was just coming over here to apologize for my behavior! I’d really like it if we could be friends.

Monica: Well, I know that would make Joey happy, so, I would like that too.

Janine: Great.

Monica: Now come on. (They hug like men.) Well, I’m glad we worked things out.

Janine: Me too.

Monica: Okay.

Janine: I’ll see you.

Monica: Bye. (Leaves to resume her garbage removal task.)

Janine: (muttering to herself) Or I’ll hear you.

Monica: (hearing that) That’s it big girl! (Hits Janine in the butt with the garbage bag) Come on!

Janine: Wait! (Janine pauses, then runs down the stairs.)

Monica: (chasing her) You’d better run!

(Joey and Chandler both come into the hallway.)

Chandler: Did you hear that?

Joey: Yeah uh, what am I gonna do?

Chandler: Yeah, I’m sorry man. (Pause) You wanna go watch?

Joey: Yeah! (They head downstairs.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Monica are there as Joey enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: How ya doin’?

Chandler: Hey so, did uh, did she move out?

Joey: Pretty much, yeah.

Monica: I cannot believe you broke up with her just like that.

Joey: Well, when it’s not right, you know it.

Chandler: You okay?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah. I’ll be all right.

Ross: Y’know what would cheer you up?

Joey: What?

Ross: I’m giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, I think you should come.

Joey: (laughing hysterically) You’re right! That did cheer me up!

End

The One With The Joke

Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are there. Ross walks in with a magazine in his hand.]

Ross: Hey, you’re not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it!

Phoebe: I didn’t know Playboy prints jokes.

Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It’s not just about the pictures.

Monica: That didn’t work on mom, it’s not going to work on us.

Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. It’s the first one, too.

(They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler, who’s a little angry.)

Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.

Ross: What?

Chandler: I made that joke up.

Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn’t. I did.

Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard.

Ross: Hey, tell Dan, ‘Thanks.’

(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)

Ross: What?

Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.)

Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Seriously?

Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes!

Ross: Look, Chandler, it’s my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don’t print the name, so it doesn’t really matter who gets credit, right?

Chandler: Yeah, I guess.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys.

Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke.

Ross: No, it’s my joke, it’s mine. You can call them, they’ll tell you.

Chandler: It’s my joke.

Ross: It’s my joke.

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.

Joey: Let’s go watch it at your place.

Chandler: Nah, Monica’s watching some cooking show. Come on, I don’t want to miss when they were skinny.

Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y’know what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses.

Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?

Joey: No, that’s VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It’s like a lotta noise to me. I don’t know…

Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out?

Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven’t really paid the bill

Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?

Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot.

Chandler: Whoa ho.

Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine).

Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?

Joey: Sure.

Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill?

Joey: Not so much.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey.

Monica: (relieved) It’s only you.

Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing?

Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy.

Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over and sits down and checks out a picture). Yikes!

Monica: So do you think that these pictures—Are, are they trying to tell a story?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she’s crying out, ‘Where are they, where are they?’

Monica: Well, she’s not going to find them lying in the grass like that.

(They flip through the pages to another picture.)

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over?

Rachel and Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She’s cute, she’s outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that’s got to come in handy

Monica: Okay, I’ve got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?

Rachel: (thinks) I don’t know.

Monica: Me neither.

Phoebe: Rachel.

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: I don’t know. (Pause) Me neither.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.]

Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had.

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.

Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it.

Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I’m not even sure I got it.

Ross: What, you didn’t get it? The doctor is a monkey.

(He and Chandler crack up.)

Chandler: And monkeys can’t write out prescriptions.

(He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there)

Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.

Ross: Your joke? Well, I think ‘the Hef’ would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.

Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money.

Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I’ll show the sexy teller that I am a published writer.

Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.

Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there?

Chandler: Yeah!

Ross: Well, I’m not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down).

Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down).

(Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.)

Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go.

Joey: Ah, Gunther, I can’t pay for this right now because I’m not working, so I’ve had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin’ for stuff.

Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here.

Joey: Uh, I don’t know. Ya see, it’s just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y’know? And to go from that to this, I just… Plus, I’d have to wait on all my friends.

Gunther: Okay, but the money’s good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.

Joey: What?!

Gunther: Flexible hours.

Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are in bed together.]

Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.

Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it.

Monica: It’s wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.

Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I’m going to get a joke journal. Y’know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.

Monica: That’s a good idea.

Chandler: Yeah!

Monica: Do you know what’s a bad idea?

Chandler: Picking Rachel.

Monica: That’s right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something?

Chandler: Maybe it’s the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.

Monica: It’s coming from the living room.

(They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their television.)

Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.)

[Scene, Phoebe and Rachel’s, they’re sitting together on the couch.]

Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys.

Phoebe and Rachel: Hey.

Monica: (laughing) Oh, don’t you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple.

Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?

Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, I’m just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny.

Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny.

Monica: (angrily) It wasn’t funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn’t you pick me?

Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you’re … just … kinda high maintenance—Okay let’s go to lunch!

Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I’m high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we’re going to go through it point by point!

Phoebe: No, okay, you’re right. You’re easy-going. You’re just not as easy-going as Rachel. She’s just more flexible and-and mellow. That’s all.

Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different.

Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel … she’ll do whatever you want. Y’know, you can just walk all over her.

Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I’m a pushover? I’m not a pushover.

Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) you’re not a pushover.

Rachel: Oh my … you think I’m a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You’re not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that’s pretty strong, that’s what I think. Come on, Monica, let’s go to lunch. (She leaves)

Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.)

[Cut to the hallway.]

Rachel: I cannot believe her.

Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat?

Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place.

Monica: I’m sick of Japanese. We’re not going there.

Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool.

Monica: All right.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.]

Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.

(Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.)

Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up.

(Ross begins to say something, realizes what Gunther just said, turns, and glares at Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.)

Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, ‘cause I’m heading up there.

Ross: Uh, yeah, I’ll take a coffee. Thanks, man.

Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee? ‘Cause I’m going up there.

Rachel: No.

Monica: No, thank you.

Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything, ‘cause I’m heading up there.

Woman: I’d love an ice water.

Joey: You got it.

Monica: Joey, what are you doing?

Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a ‘what’s wrong with you?’ look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.)

Rachel: Joey, honey, I don’t think you’re supposed to go back there.

Joey: Nah, it’s okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if they’re in on a secret together.)

Gunther: Don’t wink at me. And put on your apron.

Joey: Okay, but I don’t see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons.

Monica: Joey, do you work here?

Joey: No.

Customer: Hey, waiter.

Joey: Yeah?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Monica: Joey, what’s going on. What didn’t you tell us you work here?

Joey: It’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. I mean, I was an actor and now I’m a waiter. It’s supposed to go in the other direction.

Chandler: So is your apron. You’re wearing it like a cape.

Joey: I mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? I guess I’m going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.

Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.

Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee?

Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn’t seem that weird.

Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven’t gotten it.

Joey: See, now it’s weird again.

Chandler: I think it’s great that you work here. You’re going to make a lot of money, and here’s your first tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.

Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.

Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y’know? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It’s all about turnover.

Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry, Ross. I’ll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I’ll toss in a free muffin.

(He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.)

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]

Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?

Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.

Monica: Hah!

Phoebe: That true, I am flaky.

Rachel: So, what, you’re just, you’re just okay with being flaky?

Phoebe: Yeah, totally.

Monica: Well, then, I’m okay with being high maintenance.

Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover.

Phoebe: That’s great. Good for you guys.

Monica: I am not high maintenance!

Rachel: I am not a pushover!

Phoebe: Who said you were?

Monica and Rachel: You did!

Phoebe: Oh, I’m flaky. I’ll say anything.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]

Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition.

Gunther: No, I’m leaving to get my hair dyed.

Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it’s a great part. Look, check it out. I’m the lead guy’s best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. ‘I’m sorry, that seat’s saved.’

Gunther: That’s the whole part?

Joey: Okay, maybe he’s not his best friend, but …

Gunther: Okay, I’ll see you in an hour.

Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. ‘I’m sorry, that seat is taken.’

Patron: Oh, excuse me.

Joey: No, no, I didn’t mean you. But, you believed me, huh?

Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone.

Joey: So, you’d hire me, right?

Patron: For what?

Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.

Customers: Huh? What?

Joey: Yeah, it’s for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It’s a very important issue in this month’s Playboy. I’m sure you all read about it.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.]

Ross: It’s my joke.

Chandler: It’s my joke.

Ross and Chandler: It’s my joke.

Ross: Y’know, I don’t think we’re going to settle this.

Chandler: Let’s have Monica decide.

Ross: Yeah!

Chandler: Yeah!

Ross: Hey Mon.

Chandler: Mon, get out here!

Ross: Monica! (She appears, not sure why she was summoned.)

Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.

Monica: Why do I have to decide?

Chandler: Because you’re the only one that can be fair.

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: I can’t be fair. You’re my boyfriend.

Ross: Yeah, but I’m your brother. We’re family. That’s the most important thing in the world.

Chandler: (to Ross) Don’t try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I’m your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let’s go.

Ross: We’ll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth—me.

Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first.

Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.

Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?

Chandler: Can I finish my story?!

Monica: Do you want me to pick you?!

Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that.

(Chandler motions to Monica that he’ll give her two babies.)

Monica: Continue.

Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve’s doctor’s name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, ‘Doctor Monkey?’ And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)

Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? Monkey into man? Plus, I’m a doctor, and I had a monkey. I’m Doctor Monkey!

Chandler: I’m not arguing with that.

Monica: All right, I’ve heard enough. I’ve made my decision.

(Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.)

Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it’s offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn’t be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!

(Monica leaves the room)

Ross: It’s your joke.

Chandler: Is not.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, she’s lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]

Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are.

Chandler: Hi, oh hi.

Monica: Hey, it’s Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don’t you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?

(Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.)

Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and—(He falters and Monica prompts him.)—generosity of spirit.

Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I’ve ever heard.

Phoebe: Really? I’ve heard better.

Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.

Chandler: (To Chandler) I’m out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?

Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler!

Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You’re a little high maintenance.

Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list.

Chandler: I’m sorry. You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like … maintaining you.

Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didn’t even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right you’re off my list.

Chandler: (happily) I’m off the list. (Sits on the couch.)

Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, it’s okay that you don’t want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend.

Phoebe: (to Monica) Y’know, suddenly I find you very attractive.

(Joey enters.)

Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, how’d the audition go?

Joey: Not good, no. I didn’t get the part, and I lost my job here, so …

Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition.

Rachel: How-how did you lose your job here?

Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.

Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you’ve been working here two days? That’s not, that’s not right.

Joey: Yeah, what are ya gonna do?

Rachel: Joey, you can’t let him get away with that. Ya know what, I’m not going to let him get away with that. I’m going to say something to him—No, I really shouldn’t say anything—No, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him…

Gunther: Okay.

Rachel: What?

Gunther: He can have his job back.

Rachel: That’s right, he can have his job back. I’m glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back.

Joey: That’s great. Thanks Rach.

Rachel: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who’s a pushover?

Phoebe: (returning from the bathroom) Rach, you’re in my seat.

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. (Gets up and moves.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.]

Phoebe: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend.

Monica: I pick you, Phoebe.

Rachel: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, I kinda thought.

(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.)

(Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.)

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?

Ross: No way.

Joey: I’m not answering that.

Chandler: Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I’m not answering that.

End

The One With Rachel’s Sister

Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer

Story by: Seth Kurland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.]

Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together that’s (pauses to figure the total) $12.75.

Chandler: This coming from the man who couldn’t split our 80 dollar phone bill in half.

(A good-looking woman approaches.)

Woman: Hi!

Joey: Hi!

Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte?

Joey: Oh that’s on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.

Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?

Joey: Well, he’s not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with him—He says it’s okay. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye!

Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isn’t free?

Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I’m getting more dates than ever!

Rachel: Wait a minute, you’re only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls?

Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross!

Joey: How about a scone on the house baby?

Phoebe: (giggles) I’m pretty.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.]

Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum?

Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, y’know what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know it’s in here somewhere.

Ross: Y’know what? I’m good! I’m good!

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work?

Monica: (congested) Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can’t work if I’m sick.

All: Ohh!

Chandler: I’m so sorry you’re sick.

Monica: I’m not sick!! I don’t get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies!

Rachel: Honey, no one thinks you’re a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue. (She notices something hanging from Monica’s nose, as does Joey.)

Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.)

Chandler: I’m gonna grab you some tissue.

Monica: I don’t need a tissue! I’m fine-d!

Ross: When you put a ‘D’ at the end of ‘Fine’ you’re not fine.

Monica: I’m fine-d. I’m fine-d! Y’know, it’s a really hard word to say.

(There’s a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.)

Chandler: Yes?

(A woman enters.)

Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister.

Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!

Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!

(They run and hug each other.)

Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!

Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.)

Jill: Hi!

Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!

Ross: Hi Jill.

Rachel: And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey.

Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’?

Rachel: Don’t!! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what are you doing here?!

Phoebe: (To Ross) Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or that’s bitter?

Jill: (To Rachel) Daddy cut me off.

Phoebe: Never mind, I got it.

Jill: And y’know what I said to him? "I’m gonna hire a lawyer and I’m gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I’m gonna cut you off!"

Rachel: Wow! What did he say?

Jill: That he wouldn’t pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he’s actually proud off.

Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dad’s proud of me! My dad’s proud of me.

Monica: Rach? (Points to Jill.)

Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off?

Jill: Okay, I bought a boat.

Monica: You bought a boat?

Jill: Yeah but it wasn’t for me, it was for a friend.

Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.)

Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! I’m the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna get a job, you’re gonna get an apartment, and then I’ll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?

Phoebe: Of course, yeah!

Jill: Oh, that’s so great! Okay, I’m really gonna do this! I don’t know how to thank you guys.

Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.]

Joey: (to a customer) Are you all finished here?

Customer: Yes.

Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.)

Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars.

Joey: What?!

Gunther: For all the free food you gave away.

Joey: Well if it’s free food, how come you’re charging me for it?

Gunther: We don’t give anything away unless it’s someone’s birthday.

Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest?

Gunther: No!

Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.)

Jill: (entering, carrying a bunch of shopping bags) I just had the hardest day. Those bags are so heavy. (Sets them down.)

Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card.

Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Don’t you want to rent me this apartment?" pants.

Ross: I don’t think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making it on your own.

Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical!

Phoebe: Seriously, I don’t Rachel’s gonna think it’s a good idea.

Jill: So who made her queen of the world?

Phoebe: I would love that job!

Rachel: (entering) Hey! What’s goin’ on?

Jill: Hey!

Rachel: (notices Jill’s bags) Jill! Did you shop?!

Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross)

Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping!

Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill’s nose when you know she’s trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible!

Phoebe: Sorry Jill.

Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill.

Rachel: What’d you get?

Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got (Ross hands her a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I got uh, this y’know "I want a job sweater." (Holds up the same sweater.)

Rachel: Oh.

Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants.

Rachel: Apartment pants?

Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them?

Rachel: No, of course, of course I’ve heard of them! Ross, what did you get?

Ross: Huh? Oh, I got this—(Holds up this pink frilly thing)—this!

Rachel: A pajmena?

Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies!

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Ross, wants a pajmena?

Ross: It’s a rug. (Jill winces.)

Rachel: Jill?

Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) I’m sorry Rachel, I’m sorry…

Rachel: Oh, come on! You think that’s gonna work on me?! I invented that!

Jill: Right! But, I am sorry.

Rachel: All right, it’s okay. One little setback is okay, just don’t let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I’m just gonna take the-the pajmena. (Ross hands it to her.) And the uh, and the uh pants. Y’know what, I’m just gonna take it all away, ‘cause that way you’ll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, I’m gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of Jill’s stuff.)

Jill: She took all my stuff.

Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one. (Holds it up for her.)

Jill: (gasps) That’s the best one! Oh my God, (hugs him) thank you so much!

Ross: Well. Hey…

Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pajmena could be a rug!

Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) "I’m sorry!"

Jill: (hits him) Shut up! I did not sound like that at all!

Phoebe: What about, what about when I said y’know about the apartment pants, how dumb was I?

(They both look at her.)

Jill: Were you this cute in high school?

Ross: Oh stop.

Jill: No you stop!

Ross: No, you stop!

Jill: You stop!

Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-okay, why don’t I sit here and you’ll both stop it!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine.]

Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Let’s do something crazy!

Chandler: I know, let’s rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.)

Monica: Okay, I’ll rest. But y’know if I’m going to bed, then you’re coming with me.

Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you weren’t all drippy here. (Points to his nose.)

Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that you don’t wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesn’t work all that well with the big robe.)

Chandler: Yeah, I don’t you should say that even when you’re healthy.

Monica: (in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs loudly.)

Chandler: Don’t take this personally okay? It’s just that I just can’t have sex with a sick person.

Monica: I’m with you Chandler! I mean I can’t have sex with a sick person either, that’s disgusting! But I’m not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe.

Chandler: That’s the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe.

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey.

Rachel: What’s up?!

Phoebe: Umm, I think there’s something you should maybe know.

Rachel: Well, it’d better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it.

Phoebe: No. No. It’s just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, I’m pretty sure I saw a little spark between them.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah I mean it’s probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there.

Rachel: With Ross and Jill?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: With Ross and my sister?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh there is no way.

Phoebe: Okay then.

Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don’t really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn’t that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they’re gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can’t stop it! I can’t—I don’t own Ross! Y’know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I can’t believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.

Phoebe: But great news about the apartment pants, huh?

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the same beautiful woman from before.]

Joey: That’ll be $3.85.

Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff!

Joey: It’s just I can’t because my manager said I… (Gets an idea) (Starts singing) "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Annie…

Woman: Amy!

Joey: (still singing) "…Amy! Happy birthday to you!"

A Male Customer: Hey, that’s weird, today’s my birthday too!

Joey: Yeah, not it here it isn’t.

Jill: (entering) Sorry I’m late, what’s up?

Rachel: (on the couch) Oh hi! Y’know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front.

Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn’t go in. How strong am I?

Rachel: That is great. Hey, y’know who doesn’t have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the university.

Jill: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think you’re gonna go out?

Jill: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What would make you think that?

Rachel: I just, Phoebe, said y’know thought she saw something between you guys.

Jill: No! I mean he’s nice.

Rachel: Yeah.

Jill: He’s the kind of guy you’re friends with, y’know? But he’s not the kind of guy you date. He’s the kind of guy you’d date because you did. Me, not so much.

Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross?

Jill: Oh no-no-no, he’s just I don’t know, he’s just a little bookish.

Rachel: Are-are you saying he’s a geek?

Jill: You think so too?

Rachel: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek!

Jill: Fine, then let’s just say he’s not my type.

Rachel: What handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those things aren’t on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him!

Jill: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then I’ll ask him out.

Rachel: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, that’s not what I meant.

Jill: No! Y’know what Rachel? You’re right, y’know he has been really nice to me.

Rachel: Yeah but, he’s not your type.

Jill: Yeah but maybe that’s a good thing. Y’know I’m doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too!

Rachel: Yeah but, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t want to try to much too fast. Y’know? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast don’t you?

Jill: What?

Rachel: She-she died Jill.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from the bedroom and wakes him up.]

Monica: (still sick) Chandler!

Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least she’s trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!

Monica: (trying to be seductive) Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed.

Chandler: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep.

Monica: How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room.

Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Y’know what’s sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.

Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that I’m not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. (Sneezes.)

Chandler: Would you please get some rest!

Monica: I’m fine. (She goes into one of those half sneezing, half-coughing fits that you get with a bad cold or flu.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman. Gunther is watching and is not very happy.]

Joey: (singing) "Happy birthday to you!"

Gunther: You’re paying for that.

Joey: What? No-no it’s her birthday!

Gunther: You’ve sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today!

Joey: But it really…

Gunther: You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.

Joey: Damnit! (Storms off.)

Ross: (entering) Rach? Hi!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Did you tell your sister to ask me out?

Rachel: Well yeah…

Ross: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think she’s cute but I-I would never have thought of going out with her, never!

Rachel: Really?!

Ross: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, "Why not?!"

Rachel: Oh so-so not really never.

Ross: I have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all we’ve been through, I just—y’know I wish I had a brother to reciprocate. Hey, if you ever want to go out with Monica, you have my blessing.

Joey: (overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living room for some help from Chandler who’s on the couch reading.]

Monica: (entering) Chandler, I think I’m sick.

Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe!

Monica: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my chest? (She hands him some of that Vicks Vap-O-Rub to put on.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way.

Monica: Come on! I really need your help!

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no!

Monica: Fine, I’ll rub it on myself.

Chandler: Okay.

(To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk. Chandler notices this, and has something start happening. I’ll let you fill in the blank here.)

Chandler: So you’re just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?

Monica: Yeah?

Chandler: It’s nice.

Monica: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on?

Chandler: Yes! (Hangs his head in shame.)

Monica: I can’t believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell?

Chandler: It’s all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up?

Monica: Not now, I’m sick!

Chandler: Oh come on you big faker!

Monica: What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people?

Chandler: Well that was before all the vaporizing action.

Monica: Okay, if you really wanna have sex…

Chandler: Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.)

Monica: Worked like a charm.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters to start her date with Ross.]

Jill: (entering) Hi!

Rachel: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here?

Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show Rachel the outfit she’s wearing.)

Rachel: Well, I-I don’t like it.

Jill: Really?!

Rachel: It’s kinda slutty.

Jill: It’s yours!

Rachel: Yeah well, I’m-I’m a slut.

Jill: (laughs) Me too.

Ross: (entering) Hi Jill!

Jill: Hey!

Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment).

Rachel: Rachel.

Ross: Rachel! Well, you-you’re not at home, you’re-you’re-you’re right here.

Rachel: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But it’s not!

(There’s an awkward silence.)

Ross: Okay. So well I’ll umm, (To Rachel) I’ll have her home by midnight.

(Rachel laughs a little too hard as Ross and Jill leave for their date. After they have left, Rachel starts to break down.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters and walks quickly over to the window to watch Ross’s apartment. We see that Ross’s apartment is empty.]

Rachel: Why aren’t you home yet?!

Monica: (calling from the bathroom) Is someone there?

Rachel: Oh yes, it’s me! Sorry!

Chandler: (calling from the bathroom) What are you doing here?

Rachel: Uh, I’m just, I’m just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing?

Chandler: We got some Vap-O-Rub in some places.

(We see that Ross is returning to his apartment with Jill.)

Rachel: (gasps) Oh, he brought her back to his apartment.

Monica: (entering with Chandler) Who? (She looks out the window at Ross’s apartment) Is that your sister?

Rachel: Ugh, she is a slut!

Monica: God, Ross is on a date with your sister! How weird is that?!

Rachel: Oh my God, look-look he’s taking off her clothes!

Chandler: He’s taking off her coat!

(We see that Ross is taking off Jill’s coat.)

Rachel: Oh, this is just terrible.

Monica: Oh no it’s not, no it’s not. It’s a first date. I’m sure that nothing is gonna…(as she is talking we see Ross close his drapes.)

Rachel: Oh. (Squeaks again.)

Chandler: Ho-oh, he’s gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Y’know so umm, he’s closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, I’m off to bed! (Goes to bed.)

To Be Continued

Ending Credits

(There is no credits scene, just a preview of the next couple of episodes.)

End

The One Where Chandler Can’t Cry

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still looking out the window as Joey enters.]

Joey: (sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh… Oh wait, I don’t have to lie to you, you don’t live here anymore. Uh, I’m eating their food. What are you doing?

Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago.

Joey: Whoa, I didn’t know we could date your sister!

(Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind his back.)

Monica: Joey we know you steal our food.

(Joey offers them some potato chips.)

Chandler: I’m good.

Monica: (To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still closed hon?

Rachel: Yeah. And y’know who should’ve shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over.

Chandler: (looking) Is that a swing?

Rachel: Oh don’t even ask!

Chandler: Yuck!

Joey: I can’t believe Ross went out with Rachel’s sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.

Chandler: That was like 5 years ago.

Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left!

Chandler: Joey…

Joey: You wanna make it 6?!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch reading as Rachel enters. It’s the next day.]

Rachel: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: (to Gunther) I’ll take a coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date last night?

Ross: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun.

Rachel: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off?

Ross: I guess so.

Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes!

Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils.

Rachel: Oh, slides. (Laughs.) So really nothing happened.

Ross: Something could’ve happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe.

Rachel: Right. Was it the, "Please don’t show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?"

Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasn’t in to me, why-why would she ask me out again?

Rachel: She asked-asked you out again?

Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean.

Rachel: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I just can’t. It’s just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can’t do it! I can’t do it.

Ross: (while Rachel is finishing her rant) Okay! Okay! Okay! It’s okay. (Rachel stops.) It’s okay. Hey, it’s too weird for you, I won’t see her again.

Rachel: Thank you. I…yeah.

Ross: I mean after tomorrow night.

Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can’t! I can’t do it! (Starts to freak out.) It’s just gonna freak me out!!!

Ross: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I’ll-I’ll tell her tonight I can’t see her anymore.

Rachel: Ross thanks.

Ross: You want me to call her right now?

Rachel: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that’s-that’s crazy—I mean that’s crazy. So what’s-what’s going on with you? What is going on with you?

Ross: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester!

Rachel: Yeah do it now, call right now.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching ET.]

Monica: (crying) This is my favorite part.

Phoebe: (crying) Yeah me too.

(We see the TV and it’s the last scene where ET is saying goodbye.)

Phoebe: Oh y’know what’s sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that.

Chandler: (totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!

Joey: (crying) You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother died?

Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!

Monica: Chandler there’s nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don’t have to be so macho all the time.

Chandler: I’m not macho.

Monica: Yeah you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. Y’know? I’m not a crying kind of guy.

Joey: Come on man there’s gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?

Chandler: I’d be sad sure, but I wouldn’t cry.

Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."

Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I’m rich!

Monica: Oh, I’ve got it! I have got it! (Gets up and gets something from the dresser underneath the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good!

(Chandler starts paging through the album.)

Phoebe: All right, what’s going on there? (Points to a picture.)

Chandler: Oh, that’s Parent’s Day, first grade. That’s me with the janitor Martin.

Monica: Where were your parents?

Chandler: Oh they didn’t want to come!

Phoebe: Oh Chandler!

Monica: Poor thing!

Phoebe: So that story doesn’t make you cry?

Chandler: No! Look, I don’t cry! It’s not a big deal! Okay?!

Joey: No! It’s not okay! It’s not okay at all!! You’re dead inside!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches.]

The Fan: Excuse me.

Phoebe: Yeah?

The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay?

Phoebe: Yeah.

The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, I’m your biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.)

Phoebe: Oh you’re my biggest fan? I’ve always wanted to meet you! Hi! (Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph)

The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you’re really talented.

Phoebe: You’re just saying that because you’re my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) He’s a fan. (To the fan as she’s leaving) Bye! (Exits)

Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?

The Fan: I have no idea what you’re talking about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffay’s autograph!

Joey: Oh, you’re Phoebe’s fan!

The Fan: Oh yeah! I’ve seen all her movies.

Joey: Movies?

The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.

Joey: (laughs) I don’t think so.

The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren’t gonna believe this! (Exits.)

Joey: Hey Gunther, don’t let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe’s a porn star!

Gunther: Well, I wouldn’t call her a star, but she’s really good. You should check out Inspecther Gadget.

[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the counter as Jill enters.]

Jill: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Jill: You’ll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn’t even tell me why!

Rachel: Ohhh well. Y’know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! He’s a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.

Jill: Y’know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I’m not gonna date some random guy from your work.

Rachel: It’s not random, it’s Bob.

Jill: It’s probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesn’t like the way I dress—No that can’t be it. It’s really gotta be the smart thing. Oh I’m so stupid! I’m just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl!

Rachel: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to.

Jill: You asked him too?!

Rachel: Hm-mmm.

Jill: Why?!

Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history…

Jill: I don’t understand, do you want to go out with Ross?

Rachel: No.

Jill: You don’t want him, but you don’t want me to have him?

Rachel: (changing the subject) Y’know Bob in Human Resources…

Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I was! (Gasps) You had me doubting my fashion sense!

Rachel: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don’t date Ross! There’s a million other guys out there, you just…

Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do.

Rachel: I’m not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do!

Jill: Why are you so jealous of me?

Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can’t have!

Jill: Can’t have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can’t have is dairy! (Starts to storm out.)

Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob!

Jill: Who?!

Rachel: In Human Resources!!!!!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting about Jill to Chandler and Monica.]

Rachel: …I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?!

Monica: You’re jealous of Princess Caroline?

Rachel: Do I have my own castle?

(Joey and Ross enter.)

Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebe’s not here is she?

Rachel: No.

Monica: (noticing the bag Joey’s carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie?

Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don’t think it’s the kind you’re gonna like.

Chandler: You didn’t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?

(Joey and Ross exchange looks.)

Joey: Sort of…

Monica: Guys, what’s going on?

Joey: (holds up the movie) Phoebe’s a porn star!

All: What?!!

(They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.)

Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer.

Rachel: Oh my God!

Monica: That’s Phoebe! Where did you get that?

Joey: Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker.

Ross: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn’t know he was in there. (They all kinda look at him.)

Rachel: Wow! I mean, I just—I can’t, I can’t believe this. Y’know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who’s always been somewhat of a question mark.

Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y’know she had such a terrible childhood.

Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don’t do porn.

Monica: Yes, but you are dead inside.

Joey: All right well, I’d better take that back.

Monica: Wh-what, why?

Joey: We can’t watch that! I mean that’s Phoebe!

Monica: Yeah you’re right, we can’t—we shouldn’t watch this.

Rachel: Absolutely not.

Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesn’t let him grab it) Y’know maybe a little bit!

Rachel: Probably just the first half.

Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe’s our friend! Well, I’m not gonna watch it!

Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe!

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)

(The movie starts, it’s a vampire’s lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up.

Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Ah, I thought I’d find you here, Nasforatool.

The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?

Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Actually, I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around.

(At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film playing off screen.)

Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?

Chandler: Her ankle is what you’re watching?

Rachel: Well it’s hard to tell… (Rachel gets up to get a closer look, only she’s having some trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving.

Chandler: She’s just doing her job!

Joey: (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards!

Rachel: Oh, it’s a tattoo! That’s weird, Phoebe doesn’t… Wait that’s Ursula! That’s not Phoebe that is Ursula!

(Upon hearing this, Joey can’t turn his chair around fast enough and knocks it over.)

Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey! What’s up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I doing?!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is reading Chicken Soup for the Soul as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey sweetie!

Chandler: Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)

Monica: (picking up the book) Chicken Soup for the Soul?

Chandler: There’s no back to this couch!

Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.

Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y’know? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn’t think I was y’know, all dead inside.

Monica: Oh that’s so sweet! Look Chandler I don’t care if you can’t cry, I love you.

Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.

Monica: Stop it!

Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we’re up at the altar and I’m like this. (Makes a bored face.)

Monica: I won’t care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.)

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don’t cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, it won’t matter to me.

Chandler: Okay, well I won’t uh, worry about this anymore then.

Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you’re writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can’t shed one tiny tear, I know you’ll be crying a river inside.

Chandler: Aww, I love you so…

Monica: What is wrong with you?!!!

Chandler: What?!

Monica: What?! You can’t shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!

Chandler: So you didn’t mean any of that?!

Monica: No you robot!!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and he’s running to answer it while doing up his pants.]

Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to… (Opens the door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that’s just a little game I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they’ve really taken a liking to me. (Quickly looks out to see if they’re watching.) Uhh what’s-what’s-what’s the matter?

Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know we’re not supposed to see each other anymore and I’m okay with that, it’s just that I don’t know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it.

Ross: Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.)

Jill: (entering) I don’t want to talk about it.

Ross: Okay, umm…

Jill: But you know what might really cheer me up?

Ross: What?

Jill: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides.

Ross: Wow! Really?!

Jill: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand.

Ross: Well, I’d love to! Here, you wait right here and I’ll go get the projector and my notes!

Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, you’re such a good friend!

Ross: Ohh!

(He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he’s gone, Jill quickly checks her makeup.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is entering.]

Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can’t find her anywhere.

Monica: No, I haven’t.

Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I’ll just call him to see if he’s actually seen her.

(She goes to look out the window at Ross’s apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.)

[Scene: Ursula’s apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]

Ursula: Who is it?

Phoebe: It’s Phoebe! Phoebe!

(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)

Ursula: Hey!

Phoebe: (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so you’re making porn movies.

Ursula: No I’m not.

(Someone calls out from her apartment.)

Man’s Voice: We’re still rolling!

Phoebe: You’re making one right now!

Another Man’s Voice: Let’s go Phoebe!

Phoebe: And-and you’re using my name!

Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?

Same Man’s Voice: Phoebe, come on!

Phoebe: Look, I’m talking right now! You’re—you mean her.

Ursula: Y’know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.

Phoebe: What?!

Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.

Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into the apartment) And shame on all of you! You’re disgusting! Especially you (points to someone) with that! (Storms away.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for the slide show.]

Ross: Slides are almost ready.

Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol!

Ross: Uh okay, well there’s-there’s wine in the kitchen.

Jill: Oh great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.)

Ross: (answering it) Hello?

Rachel: (on phone) What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?!

Ross: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she’s really upset we’re just talking.

Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me!

Ross: So that’s the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I’m a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show!

Rachel: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me!

Ross: Y’know what? I think I can take care of myself, I’ll talk to you later. Good-bye. (Hangs up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really close to him.) Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you’re just using me.

Jill: So? (Kisses him passionately.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.

Joey: Oh no, not you too!

Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay’s checks; there were a lot of them.

Joey: Nice!

Phoebe: Um-mmm, and I won’t have to go there anymore because I gave them my correct address.

Joey: That’s great, but isn’t it gonna bother that people still think you’re a porn star?

Phoebe: Oh no! No! I know how to handle it.

Joey: You do?

Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where he’s seen her before.) (To him) You’re trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I’ll give you a hint. From porn! Okay? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To Joey) See?

Joey: Yeah.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.]

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: (To Rachel) You uh, you may have been right about Jill.

Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened?

Ross: Umm, she kissed me.

Rachel: What?! You kissed!

Chandler: (To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy.

Monica: (To Chandler) Shhhh!!!

Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?

Rachel: Well, it doesn’t sound like it! I mean, it’s pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don’t kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!

Ross: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn’t stop it. I guess I-I just wasn’t thinking…

Rachel: Yeah that’s right you weren’t thinking! Y’know what? Let me give you something to think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps towards him.)

Ross: Oh wait—hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.

Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister’s mouth long enough to tell me that.

Ross: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us!

Rachel: What?!

Ross: No, I mean, look I don’t know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don’t want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector.

Rachel: Wow. I, I don’t even know what to say. Thank you. (Gently kicks him.)

Ross: You’re welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)

(Chandler starts crying.)

Monica: Oh my God! Are-are you crying?

Chandler: (crying hysterically) I just don’t see why those two can’t work things out!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Jill enters.]

Jill: All right, I’m leaving! Because I’m not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That’s you Rachel!

Rachel: Yeah, I got that.

Jill: (To Ross) And you! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you?

Ross: You take care Jill.

Jill: (happily) Okay, see ya! (Exits.)

Rachel: Bye-bye-e!

Monica: Bye.

Chandler: (starts crying) I-I can’t believe Jill’s gone. (They all look at him.) I can’t help it, I opened a gate.

End

The One That Could Have Been

Part I Written by: Greg Malins & Adam Chase

Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman

Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

{Transcriber’s Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, that’s why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Wow!

Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!

Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy.

Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-who’s Barry and Mindy?

Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.

Joey: Ohh-oh, wasn’t he cheating on you with her?

Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.

Monica: Why did they get divorced?

Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn’t that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?

Ross: I know what you mean, I’ve always wondered how different my life would be if-if I’d never gotten divorced.

Phoebe: Which time?

Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn’t realized she was a lesbian.

Joey: (starts to imagine it) I can’t. I keep seeing it the good way.

Ross: I’d bet I’d still be doing my kara-tay. (That’s karate, he’s just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y’know, not doing anything else physical.

Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.

Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldn’t be dating me, that’s for sure.

Chandler: Sure I would!

All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right!

Chandler: What, you guys really think that I’m that shallow?

Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.

Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, there’s Carol again!

Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I’d probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job’s fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don’t have to wear a tie.

Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch?

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Merrill Lynch?

Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.

Rachel: Well why didn’t you take the job?

Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So I thought y’know that if I’d work with stocks, I’d have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.

Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we’d still hang out?

Opening Credits

{Transcriber’s note: This is where the opening credits are, but they’re not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachel’s still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then they’re dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesn’t apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}

[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]

Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?

Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!

Ross: No-no. It’s-it’s me, Ross!

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. Ross Tillman.

Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.

Rachel: Ohh, of course Monica’s brother!

Ross: Yeah. Right.

Rachel: Wow! How are you?!

Ross: Good-good, I’m-I’m married. (Shows her his ring.)

Rachel: Ohh! Me too!

Ross: Is-isn’t it the best?

Rachel: Oh, it’s the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm how’s Monica?

Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she’s right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.

Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.

Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, she’d be so excited!

Rachel: Ohh! Okay!

Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)

Rachel: Oh wait, don’t you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?

Ross: No, it’s okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I don’t…

Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.

Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.

Rachel: But! Don’t you have to give him his money back?

Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, let’s go see Monica!

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monica’s boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monica’s fat, I won’t be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]

Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?

Monica: He’s not boring! He’s just-he’s just low key.

Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)

Monica: Thanks.

Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Y’know, the hazelnut actually not a nut, it’s a seed.

Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!

Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that’s been masquerading as a nut?

Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)

Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Oh no! What’s the matter?

Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."

Monica's Boyfriend: Y’know what honey? I got to get back to the hospital.

Monica: Okay.

Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.

Monica: Bye.

Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)

Chandler: Was his question what’s more boring than him?

Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?

Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.

Joey: Really?

Chandler: Ehh.

Monica: Maybe Joey doesn’t have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?

Joey: That’s an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?

Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!

Joey: That’s great! That would be great! Let’s do that!

Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.

Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!

Chandler: Okay!

Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don’t need any assistance in there, take a break!

Chandler: All right!

(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She’s wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!

Phoebe: Ohh that’s so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, it’s a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it’s okay. It’s okay, you’re allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.

(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)

Ross: Hey Mon!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)

Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!

Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She’s not quite sure of that one.)

Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!

Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: Oh yeah.

Ross: And that’s Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)

Phoebe: Hi!

Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we’ve seen each other?

Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon’s party. I played you one of my songs, y’know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.

Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, are—do you, do you still do music?

Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! I’ll play you one of my other…

Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!

Monica: Rach, he’s a friend of ours.

Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?

Chandler: Well it’s kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he’s not real.

Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!

Rachel: He’s coming over! He’s coming over!

Monica: (getting up) Joey!

Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)

Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.

Rachel: (giggles and can’t look at him) Hi!

Joey: (shaking Rachel’s hand) Hi!

Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you…

Joey: Well, it’s always nice to meet the fans.

Rachel: Ah!

Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) She’s not crazy is she?

Monica: No.

Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin’?

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe’s cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]

Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Who’s this? (Listens) Oh okay, you’re gonna like working for me. What’s your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I… Whatever… Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.

Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!

Chandler: Uh-oh, it’s my boss!

Joey: All right, here’s a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I’m delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)

Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.

Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are don’t you?

Chandler: What?

Monica: You’re his bitch.

Phoebe: (yelling from Monica’s room) No-no!! No!!

Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didn’t just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!

Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.

Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!

Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can’t call my office they’ll kill me! I can’t call my clients they’ll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can’t breathe.

Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!

Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?

Monica: Yes!!

Phoebe: Then yes that is what I’m having. (Takes another puff of the cigarette.)

Monica: Oh my God!

Commercial Break

[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]

Ross: Come on Pheebs, it’s not that bad! Y’know most people would be excited if they didn’t have to work for a couple of weeks.

Phoebe: Most people don’t like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and I’m already going crazy. I miss Joan.

Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is nature’s way of telling you to slow it down.

Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature’s way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you’re not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you’re not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.

Monica: Let’s take a walk. (They start to leave.) Y’know maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)

Phoebe: (To Ross) So what’s going on with you?

Ross: Well umm, I’ve been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.

Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex?

Ross: Well, last weekend…

Phoebe: Oh that’s not so bad.

Ross: …will be two months…

Phoebe: That is.

Ross: …since I stopped trying.

Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.

Ross: What-what do you mean?

Phoebe: I don’t know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other…

Ross: Oh.

Phoebe: Y’know, dirty talk, ménage à trois, toys…

Ross: Wow!

Phoebe: Roll playing… You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!

Ross: Okay, I think I got it.

Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you’re-you’re-you’re rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody’s watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.

[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]

Monica: Sorry. So how’s it going with Joey?

Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "I’m with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "I’m lost and I can’t find food."

Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?

Monica: Yeah! She’s right in there! (Points to Phoebe’s room.)

Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]

Joey: All right, and over there is Brady’s Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.

Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?

Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?

Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, y’know, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldn’t.

Joey: Why? (In Drake’s voice.) Why can’t the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?

Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isn’t that a line from the show?!

Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drake’s voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.

Rachel: That’s a line from the show too!

Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.

Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, here’s the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)

Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, there’s pulp in that. (Hands it back.)

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: I thought we talked about this. I don’t like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isn’t juice. All juice, okay?

Chandler: I’m sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.

Joey: Oh my God, I’m sorry, I’m being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.

Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.

Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.

Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?

Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?

Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.

Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) You’re gonna throw that juice at me, aren’t ya?

Chandler: It’s not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)

[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]

Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.

Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.

Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.

Carol: What do you mean?

Ross: Carol our sex life is—it’s just not working…

Ben: (entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.)

Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why don’t we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why don’t you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!

Ben: Yay! (Runs off.)

Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life… I was thinking, maybe I don’t know, we could try some-some new things. Y’know? For fun?

Carol: Like what?

Ross: Well I don’t know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carol’s shocked and obviously doesn’t like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesn’t like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, y’know we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.

Carol: (quickly) I love that idea!

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!

Monica: Oh my God! That’s great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) You’re a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!

Chandler: Aww.

Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out…) My last Kit-Kat bar!

(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica won’t let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesn’t budge.)

Chandler: You wanna share it?

Monica: Okay!!

Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know you’re mad, but I just want to say I’m sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Y’know? I mean, y’know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?

Monica: It’s not mayonnaise!!

Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)

Chandler: What’s this?

Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.

Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)

Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!

Joey: Oh my God! That’s great! Congratulations! What’s the story?!

Chandler: Oh you wouldn’t uh, care. It’s just a stupid comic book story.

Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!

Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesn’t want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist—as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can’t have lumps in them.

Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? ‘Cause I think I read it!

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?

Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!

Rachel: Ohh! And I’m one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!

Monica: Well, y’know it’s none of my business, but aren’t you married?

Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Y’know I just wish we could be like on a break!

Monica: Well, you’re not.

Rachel: Oh, it’s so easy for you I mean, you’re not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!

Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And don’t think I don’t, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)

Rachel: Monica. You’ve, you’ve done it right?

Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, I’m some 30 year old virgin?

Rachel: Oh my God! You’re a 30 year old virgin!

Monica: Say it louder, I don’t think the guy all the way in the back heard you!

Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.

Monica: It’s not like, I haven’t any opportunities. I mean, y’know, I’m just waiting for the perfect guy. I’m seeing this guy Roger, all right? He’s not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Y’know, give him my flower.

Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you’ve waited long enough!!

Monica: Y’know what? You are right?!

Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn’t be all this rules and restrictions! Y’know, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever…

Monica: Rachel! I’m never gonna think it’s okay for you to cheat on your husband!

Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!

[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebe’s room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]

Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!

Phoebe: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.

Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!

Phoebe: No! It’s not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!

Monica: Put it out!!

Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) I’m so glad you’re here.

Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.

Phoebe: Oh, give it to me.

Ross: I got it!

Phoebe: Give it!

(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)

Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she can’t come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)

Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!

Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.

Phoebe: Thank God.

Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, she’s fired.

[Scene: Rachel and Barry’s bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course it’s a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. It’s set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]

Nurse: You’ve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.

Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.

(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)

Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)

Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!

Dr. Drake Remoray: That’s right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you’re not a real doctor! And that woman’s brain, is fine!

Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!

[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]

Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!

Hope: (sleepily) Drake!

Dr. Drake Remoray: You’re not dying Hope, you’re gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.

Hope: Oh Drake.

[Drake and Hope kiss.]

Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joey’s phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! It’s Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.

Commercial Break

{Transcriber’s Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode 616.}

[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch.]

Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find…

Carol: Ooh, actually I’ve been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!

Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someone’s been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)

Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so…

Ross: Oh, I know. (Laughs) Y’know, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda…

Carol: Oh, me too.

Ross: Yeah? Well, I-I think Ben’s asleep.

Carol: Oh umm, y’know I think it would be better if we just save it.

Ross: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.)

[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey.

Ross: Hey, how’s it going?

Phoebe: Well, I’ve got to get out of this bed, I’m going crazy here. Crazy!

Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.

Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!

Monica: But, I put some honey in it.

(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)

Ross: She doesn’t know she was fired yet, does she?

Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.

Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!

Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.

Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.

Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)

Chandler: Listen Phoebe, he’s right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.

Phoebe: I know! But if I didn’t work there, what else would I do?

Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.

Phoebe: Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!

Chandler: Uh, what about y’know the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.

Phoebe: Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump change—ooh, what do I do?! What will I do?!

[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]

Rachel: Ohh, I mean it’s just so realistic!

Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. You’ll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.

Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)

Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do you—ready for a refill?

Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldn’t—so I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! It’s like it’s raining!

Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if you’re thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldn’t get sucked up into the mechanism, well you’d be wrong.

Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?

Joey: It’s uh, right through there. (Points.)

Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God y’know, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani’s apartment…

Joey: Yeah, life’s pretty great isn’t it?

Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]

Monica: I hope you’re hungry, we’re starting with oysters. And y’know what they say about oysters, don’t you?

Dr. Roger: They have parasites?

Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.

Dr. Roger: What people?

Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)

Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?

Monica: And then we’re gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.

Dr. Roger: Y’know, it’s funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases…

Monica: No-no-no, no! It’s sensual!

Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didn’t know! Okay!

Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!

Dr. Roger: I’m sorry sweetie, it’s the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?

Monica: I can’t promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)

[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]

Ross: We’re really gonna do this, huh?

Carol: Looks like it.

Ross: Y’know, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at… (A knock on the door interrupts him.)

Carol: (jumping up to get it) I got it!

Ross: Okay.

Carol: (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Who’d you think it was gonna be?)

Susan: Hey! (They hug.)

Carol: Thank you so much for coming.

Susan: Oh, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)

Ross: I’m-I’m Ross by the way.

Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what you’ve done with this space.

Carol: Thank you so much.

(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susan’s coat.)

Ross: How hot is this?!

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monica’s dinner.]

Chandler: I’m sorry you’re here with me instead of Roger.

Monica: Yeah, me too.

Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like he’s here. (Imitates him.) "Here’s some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn’t add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)

Monica: Stop it!! That’s not funny!!

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: I’m sorry, okay? It just—tonight was supposed to be y’know, it was supposed to be a big deal.

Chandler: What was tonight?

Monica: You don’t want to know what tonight was.

Chandler: Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?

Monica: Well, tonight was—was going to be my first time.

Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!

Monica: All right relax Mr. I’ve Had Sex Four Times!

Chandler: Four different women! I’ve had sex way more times!

Monica: How many?

Chandler: Nine.

Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.

Chandler: Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?

Monica: No. He’s not a horrible guy.

Chandler: Hey that’s what I tell girls about me.

Monica: Chandler, I’m gonna die a virgin!

Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.

Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?

Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)

Monica: I was kidding.

Chandler: So was I.

[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]

Rachel: Joey, you’re such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?

Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.

Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey—(She falls off the couch)—Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.

Joey: Yeah you did.

Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)

Joey: Here you go. Let me ask you a question.

Rachel: Yeah?

Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?

Rachel: Wow! I can’t, I can’t feel my hands.

Joey: Come, come here.

(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]

Chandler: We can’t do this.

Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?

Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, y’know? Because you’ve been waiting a very long time and I wouldn’t want to disappoint you.

Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if you’re horrible, how would I know?

Chandler: I do like that.

Monica: It’s harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!

Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?

Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)

Chandler: Stop it! We’re doing this! Let’s do it!

Monica: Noo!! Okay!!

Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)

Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?

Chandler: I have some moves.

Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin’ there?! (Giggles.) Oh y’know what? I’m sorry, this is just too weird.

Chandler: Yeah, let’s just forget it.

Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)

Chandler: Okay!

(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)

Chandler: Oh yeah.

Monica: Chandler?

Chandler: (sexily) Yeah?

Monica: That’s the couch.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica’s bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]

Chandler: Oh my God!

Monica: I know! I’ll tell you something, we are gonna do that again!

Chandler: Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)

[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]

Joey: (entering) Morning!

Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I can’t believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!

Joey: Well he actually saw you a little bit too.

Rachel: Noo! Oh God we did—we didn’t, we didn’t uhh…

Joey: No! No! No, not after seeing that.

Rachel: God I’m just a horrible person.

Joey: Wh-why?

Rachel: Because I’m married. That’s right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV star’s apartment to have an affair! Uck!

Joey: That’s ridiculous! I’m not a "Star," just a regular famous actor.

Rachel: Yeah and I’m a horrible, horrible person.

Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me…

Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.

Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh… (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)

Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!

Joey: Sure! As long as they don’t find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.

Rachel: No! No-no-no…

Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, you’ve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didn’t. And that’s what this ring stands for.

Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprice’s undying love for her brother.

Joey: Look, do you want the ring or not?!

Rachel: Yeah!

[Scene: Phoebe’s hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Look at you! You’re up!

Joey: All right!

Phoebe: I thought I’d try to take a walk. Would you pour me some water? I’ll be back soon.

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You’re not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?

Phoebe: No. I’ve learned my lesson.

(She goes out into the hall and when she’s there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)

Phoebe: Let’s go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man who’s holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)

[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]

Ross: Hey Joe did… Did you ever have a threesome?

Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carol’s great and I’m sure you’re a very attractive man, but I….

Ross: No! The reason I’m asking is that… I sorta had one last night.

Joey: You?

Ross: Yeah!

Joey: Wow!

Ross: Yeah!

Joey: All right! So, was it amazing?

Ross: It was, it was okay.

Joey: Just okay—Did you do it right?!

Ross: Look, it’s just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I weren’t here?"

Joey: Huh. But still Ross, you’re worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Y’know what I mean?

Ross: Oh-oh, absolutely!

(They both laugh.)

Ross: It’s just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.

Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?

Ross: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.

Joey: Not the other one?

Ross: No, she kept kicking me away!

Joey: Yeah, you don’t want that.

Ross: No!

Joey: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?

Ross: Oh I a lot of stuff!

Joey: You got a little bored?

Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.

Joey: Yeah? What did ya have?

Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard…

Joey: Sounds good.

Ross: It really was!

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!

Monica: Hey, check me out, I’m a slut!

Chandler: So you uh, want to do something tonight?

Monica: Oh I can’t. Dr. Roger is coming over again.

Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you’re still seeing him and uh, he’s a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when… (He fakes falling asleep.)

Monica: Are you okay?

Chandler: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?

Monica: Great! It’s so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you I’m all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"

Chandler: I bet he can.

Monica: Y’know, I don’t have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure you’re okay?

Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)

[Scene: Rachel and Barry’s bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]

Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!

Barry: You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend!

Rachel: Oh that’s right! I’m sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!

[Scene: Phoebe’s office, she is arriving without the knowledge that she’s been fired.]

Phoebe: Surprise! Look who’s back!

Arthur: Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Arthur: (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didn’t you get fired?

Phoebe: Uh, I don’t think so!

Jack: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Jack!! Hey!

Jack: What are you doing here?

Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?

Jack: Well, you were fired.

Phoebe: Nu-uh!

Jack: I told that guy who answered your phone.

Phoebe: Oh, okay I didn’t get that message. So this doesn’t count—Anyway, I’ll be in my office.

Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you don’t have an office.

Phoebe: That’s all right, I’ll work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)

Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen…

Phoebe: You’re in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake…

Jack: You lost 13 million dollars.

Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Y’know it’s bad enough that—Ow! Oh, you have got to be kidding!

Jack: Are you all right?

Phoebe: I’m having another heart attack!

Jack: What?!

Phoebe: I’m having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!

Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.)

Phoebe: (to Arthur, he’s the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass!

Woman: Hey Pheebs! How’s it going?!

Phoebe: Well, they fired me and I’m having heart attack.

Woman: Wow! Well, welcome back!

Phoebe: Yeah.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]

Rachel: Hi Ross!

Ross: Hey Rachel.

Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?

Ross: Umm, no.

Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I’m looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!

Ross: That-that’s always good news. Are you okay?

Rachel: Me? I’m great! I’m fine! I’m sooo good!! But, you know who’s not great?! Men! You’re a man right Ross?!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Sit down!

Ross: Okay. (He does so.)

Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you we’re going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbor’s dog walker?!

Ross: We’re sorry.

Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?

Ross: Didn’t you spend last night at Joey’s?

Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?

Ross: Look I-I don’t know what’s going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.

Rachel: Oh. (Doesn’t believe it.)

Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!

Rachel: Who are these men?

Ross: Men. I guy I know.

Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.

Ross: She is not… (Realizes) She’s gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I can’t believe this.

Rachel: Good day for married people huh?

Ross: I’m sorry your husband cheated on you.

Rachel: I’m sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren’t that great either.

Ross: Try telling my wife that.

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?

Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.

Chandler: Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?

Monica: What?!

Chandler: I’m the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)

Monica: Why would you do that?

Chandler: Because you shouldn’t be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they don’t just happen. Y’know? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning y’know I was just lying there and I couldn’t wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always y’know with a friend.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: I know you probably don’t want to go out with me, y’know because I make too many jokes and I’ve never been in a serious relationship and I guess I’m not technically a "doctor…"

(Monica runs over and kisses him.)

Monica: There was just one woman, wasn’t there?

Chandler: No, there were two.

Monica: Including me?

Chandler: Oh yeah.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gang looks on.]

Phoebe: (singing)

It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see…

One of them won’t do it, but the second one will set you free…

Tell all your hate and anger, it’s time to say good-bye…

And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die!

La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la……

End

The One With The Unagi

Teleplay by: Adam Chase

Story by: Zachary Rosenblatt

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Joey is working.]

Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah, what, what was I thinking?

Joey: (he’s just picked up their bill) Hey! So, what’s with the 20 percent tip? Did I do something wrong?

Chandler: Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe.

Joey: Y’know what’s more generous than that?! Fifty percent! Y’know what’s even more generous than that?!!

Chandler: I see where you’re goin’!

Ross: What’s up with the greed Joe?

Joey: All right, look I’m sorry you guys, but it’s just that I gotta get these new head shots made. And they’re really expensive, y’know? I’m down to like three! Well, actually two ‘cause one of ‘em I kinda blackened in some teeth—Why did I do that?! (Hits himself in the head.)

Ross: Well isn’t there something you can do to earn a little extra money? I mean, can’t-can’t you pick up, I don’t know, an extra shift here?

Phoebe: Or, y’know, I used to beg for money. Of course it helps if you’ve got y’know a little of this (she sticks her chest out and shakes it) goin’ on. Wow! I still have it!

Ross: Oh, wait! Wait! Don’t you have an audition today? Yeah! Maybe you’ll get that job!

Joey: Oh, ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Wait a minute, I used to get medical experiments down on me all the time!

Chandler: (reminiscing) Ah, finally an explanation.

Joey: No-no! I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember? Let’s see uh, well I don’t want to donate sperm again. (To Ross) I really prefer doing that at the home office y’know? (Ross nods his head.) Ooh-ooh, maybe they want like some of my blood or-or spit or something, huh?

Gunther: (approaching with a tray with an order on it) Joey!

Joey: Yeah?

Gunther: What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you’re working?

Joey: Uhh do it?

Gunther: That guy (points) has been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes! He’s complained about you three times! (He hands the coffee cup to Joey, assuming that Joey will deliver it and walks away.)

Joey: Well, where was I? (Takes a sip of the coffee.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter wearing workout clothes.]

Ross: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey, what have you guys been up to?

Phoebe: Ohh! We went to a self-defense class today!

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya!

Joey: Takes it out of you? (Laughs.)

Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody’s ass!

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: After one class? I don’t think so.

Rachel: What? You wanna see me self-defend myself?! Go over there (points) and pretend you’re a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!!

Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that’s not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and there’s a concept you should really be familiar with. It’s what the Japanese call (he holds two fingers up to his temple, and he does this every time he says this word) unagi.

Rachel: Isn’t that a kind of sushi?

Ross: No, it’s a concept!

Phoebe: Yeah it is! It is! It’s freshwater eel!

Ross: All right, maybe it means that too…

Rachel: Ohh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now!

Ross: Y’know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don’t even care!

Phoebe: (deadpan) Come on Ross. We’re sorry. Please tell us what it is.

Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you!

Phoebe: You mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?

(Rachel laughs and Ross mocks her.)

Ross: (moves closer) All I’m saying is, it’s one thing being prepared for an attack against like each other; whole another story being prepared for an attack, I don’t know, like a (turns and puts his face close to Rachel’s and screams) surprise!!

(Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.)

Ross: All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesn’t mean you have unagi. (Does the finger thing.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Ooh! Y’know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half-hour.

Ross: Y’know what… (Moves away as Chandler enters, panicked.)

Chandler: Hey-hey, is Monica here?

Phoebe: No.

Ross: No.

Chandler: Okay, look I need your help, I don’t know what to get her for Valentine’s Day.

Rachel: Well, Valentine’s Day was like two weeks ago, so I wouldn’t get her a calendar!

Chandler: (laughs) She was working on Valentine’s Day so we’re celebrating it tonight.

Joey: Ohh, hey! Why don’t you book a date for both of you at one of those romantic spas?

Phoebe: Ooh, Joey, that’s actually a really good idea!

Joey: And of course, crotchless panties.

Chandler: Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend (pause) and her brother, (the camera pans to Ross flashing Joey a very evil look; Joey gets scared) I can’t do that we promised we’d make each other gifts this year.

Rachel: Aw, I love that.

Phoebe: You guys!

Joey: You can’t make crotchless panties? You take, you take a pair of scissors and you just cut…

Rachel: (interrupting him) Okay-okay-okay! So, making things. That sounds like so much fun.

Chandler: Yeah, I thought so to until I paper mached one of my eyes shut.

Phoebe: Oh, I love paper mache! What did you make?

Chandler: I made a… (Does one of those gibberish words.)

Phoebe: What is that?

Chandler: Nothing!

Ross: So what are you gonna do?

Chandler: Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for?

Phoebe: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! (She takes out a sock that’s been made into a bunny with eyes, nose, mouth, whiskers, and two other socks sown onto it for ears.) Oh for crying out loud!

Rachel: Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock!

Phoebe: Now, it’s you little bunny friend. (She sticks it in Rachel’s face and they both laugh.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is desperately trying to make his Valentine’s Day gift. He takes a paper cup, turns it upside down, sticks two pencils into the top, and hangs a coat hanger from the bottom.]

Chandler: (admiring his work) This, this actually is a… (Does the same gibberish word from before.)

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine’s Day gifts?

Monica: Oh, yeah.

Chandler: Do we have to make the entire thing?

Monica: Yes! Why, did you—you forget to make yours?

Chandler: Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place where I-I made it and pick-pick it up.

Monica: Okay. (They kiss.) Okay, I can’t wait! This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever! (Chandler giggles and exits.) I can’t believe it! Make the presents! Make the presents!

Chandler: (sticking his head back in) What?

Monica: I’m just so excited to make the presents! (Chandler does another sarcastic/scared laugh and leaves.) Shoot!

[Scene: A Medical Research Office, Joey is there to sign up for an experiment, any experiment.]

Joey: (to the receptionist) Hi uh, I’m Joey Tribbiani and with all do respect I’d like to donate some fluids.

Receptionist: We’re actually at the end of one of our research cycles, so we’re not looking for applicants right now.

Joey: Oh that’s too bad. I’ve kinda been saving up. (She just looks at him in horror.) Uh, are you sure there’s no studies I can participate in?

Receptionist: Well, here’s a schedule of what’s coming up. (Hands it to him.)

Joey: Thanks. (Starts to read it.) Well but this one starts now. (Points to one.)

Receptionist: Oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible. It’s a twins study.

Joey: But it’s $2,000.

Receptionist: Sorry.

Joey: Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on attractive nurse receptionists.

Receptionist: We already got the results back on that on, and they’re not good. (Joey beats a hasty retreat.)

[Scene: The Hallway between the Apartments, Ross is hiding behind that bump out on Monica’s side waiting for Phoebe and Rachel. As they come up the stairs, he jumps out and yells…]

Ross: DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!!

(They both scream and jump away.)

Phoebe: Ross!!!

Rachel: What the hell was that?!

Ross: A lesson in the importance of unagi. (He starts doing the finger thing every time now.)

Phoebe: Ohh, you’re a freak!!

Ross: Perhaps. Now I’m curious, at what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass?

Rachel: All right, so we weren’t prepared!

Ross: I’m sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but I—look, I just want you guys to be safe. (Monica comes out to throw out the garbage and Ross screams…) DANGER!!!!! (She completely ignores him and keeps walking.) Ahhh, huh? Unagi.

[Scene: Cole-Geddes Casting Agency, Joey is there on his audition and thinking about that 2,000 bucks for the twins study.]

Joey: (in his head) 2,000 bucks is a lot of money. Oh, I wish I had a twin. Where could I find someone who looks exactly like me? (The camera widens its shot to reveal a room full of Joey look-a-likes. Joey looks at the guy next to him and then back at his script.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming in from doing his laundry. He starts folding it as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: (not turning around) Chandler. I sensed it was you.

Chandler: What?!

Ross: Unagi. I’m always aware.

Chandler: Okay, are you aware unagi (does the finger thing) is an eel?

Ross: What’s up?

Chandler: I can’t figure out what to make Monica.

Ross: Oh, why don’t you make her one of your little jokes.

Chandler: I’m going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that looks homemade?

Ross: Y’know what? She’d-she’d love this. (Picks up a model of the Saturn V rocket, that’s the one that took man to the moon.) Uh, it’s an exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.

Chandler: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends me to the moon.

Ross: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didn’t actually land on the moon. But you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely. (Apollo 8 was the first one that orbited the moon and the one that read the Christmas Story from the orbit of the moon on Christmas Eve, 1968. They also took the famous Earthrise picture of the Earth rising over the moon.)

Chandler: Wait a minute, I can’t give this to her.

Ross: Why not?

Chandler: Because it says "Captain Ross" on the side and "I hate Monica" on the bottom.

Ross: Oh.

(Chandler leaves dejectedly. When the door closes Rachel and Phoebe jump out from behind the curtains and scream…)

Phoebe and Rachel: DANGER!!!!!

(Ross screams like a little girl.)

Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the finger thing.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, he’s still trying to figure out what to make Monica.]

Chandler: Okay. Okay. (He goes to the closet, moves the clothes out of the way, and notices an empty hanger. He takes the empty hanger and bends it all out of shape. Then he holds it out as if he’s giving it to her.) Yes honey, I made it myself. (He throws it down and goes to her chest, grabs something, goes to the bed table, and takes out a pair of scissors. He turns around and holds the scissors to the crotch of the panties he just removed.) I can’t do it. I can’t do it. (He throws them both down and continues looking. He opens another closet door and finds a tape.) Oh! Oh! A mixed tape! A mixed tape!! (He runs out into the living room.)

[Cut to the living room, Chandler is entering as Monica finishes wrapping her present for him on the kitchen table.]

Chandler: Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange gifts?

Monica: Sure! Okay, you go first.

Chandler: Okay, come here! Come here.

Monica: Okay! (She takes her present for him and they move over to sit on the couch.)

Chandler: Now, it’s not wrapped because I just, just finished it.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.

Monica: Oh, what a great gift! Is The Way You Look Tonight on it?!

Chandler: (momentarily terrified) Maybe we’ll have to listen and see!

Monica: Oh, I love it! Thank you so much!

Chandler: Okay!

Monica: Okay, you ready to open yours?

Chandler: Yeah!

Monica: Okay.

(He opens his present to find Phoebe’s sock bunny from earlier.)

Chandler: It’s a sock bunny.

Monica: Yeah-yeah, you remember how I call you bunny?

Chandler: Not really.

Monica: Well, I did one time, and-and I want to start doing it more. See that’s what this is about.

Chandler: I see. Y’know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.

Monica: No! No, she doesn’t. Uh Phoebe, what she makes—that’s uh—they’re sock rabbits. They are completely different—Okay! Okay! Okay! I didn’t make it! I’m sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that we’re supposed to make the presents!

Chandler: Oh, it’s okay. I don’t…

Monica: No-no, it’s not okay! It’s not! I mean you were just… You’re so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me! Y’know I’m just gonna—I, I am gonna make this up to you! I will! I-I am going to cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and I am going to do anything you want in there! (Points to the bedroom.)

Chandler: (thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They both run into the bedroom.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are relaxing in sexual bliss.]

Chandler: Wow! (To the sock bunny still on his hand.) You are way to young to have seen that!

Monica: Oops! (Covers its eyes.) Y’know, your birthday is in a month-and-a-half, what do you say I forget to get you a present for that too?

Chandler: You are totally and completely 100% forgiven.

Monica: We have got to wash that! (Referring to the sock bunny.)

Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it off his hand and throws it behind the night-stand.)

Monica: Do you remember that jacket that you love so much, that you thought was too expensive?

Chandler: You have done enough!

Monica: I wanna wake up early and go get it for you!

Chandler: No you don’t—get it in black, not brown.

(The oven dings.)

Monica: Oop, your cake is ready!

Chandler: Oop!

(They both get out of bed and go get some cake.)

Chandler: Well, it’s like that old saying, have some sex, eat some cake.

(As they approach the kitchen, the door opens and in walks in a Joey look-a-like.)

Joey's Look-A-Like: Hey Mon! Hey Chann! (He goes to the fridge) Just gettin’ a soda! (Does so.)

Monica: Who the hell are you?!

Joey's Look-A-Like: I’m Joey! How are you doin’?!

Joey: (entering) No! No! No! No! No! How you doin’?! How you doin’—Damnit Carl! Go wait in the hall! (Goes into the hall.)

Joey: Look, I got to apologize on the behalf of Carl.

Chandler: Who the hell is Carl?!

Joey: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project.

Chandler: Y’know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren’t they?

Joey: Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work. Y’know? The only problem is, Carl’s acting is… (Does the international hand symbol for so-so.)

Monica: The only problem!

Joey: Yeah, he’s the reason I didn’t get that big Minute Maid commercial a couple of years ago remember? We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed it up.

Carl: (sticking his head back in) Hey, uh can I get a little piece of that cake?

Joey: (to Carl) Pizza!! We like Pizza!! Get out!!! (Carl does so.)

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are returning.]

Phoebe: Pat Sajak?

Rachel: Yep!

Phoebe: Alex Trebek?

Rachel: Oh, of course!

Phoebe: Chuck Woolery?

Rachel: Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host, who’s ass I cannot kick.

(They start to walk into the living room and notice someone’s head sticking up from behind a chair. The camera cuts to the other side and we see it’s Ross.)

[Time lapse. The girls have Ross pinned face down. Phoebe is sitting on his back and arms while holding his head down and facing Rachel. Rachel is sitting on his knees and holding his lower legs vertically, causing Ross pain.]

Rachel: Say it!

Phoebe: Say we are unagi!

Ross: It’s not something you are! It’s something you have!

Rachel: Say it!

Ross: Y’know what? I can easily get out of this, but there is a chance you can get very, very hurt!

(Rachel yanks on his legs again and he groans in pain.)

[Scene: The Medical Research office, Joey is there with Carl in the waiting room. Two identical twins come out and both wave by at the same time.]

Joey: All right Carl, we’re next. Now remember, what is not gonna be?

Carl: Another Minute Maid fiasco.

Joey: That’s right! And what are you not gonna do?

Carl: Well, I’m not gonna talk because…

Joey: (gets very angry) Damnit Carl! (Carl goes to say something more, and Joey silences him with a grunt.)

The Doctor: (entering) (To the receptionist) Can I have the next one please? (Takes the form.) Joey and Tony Tribbiani. (Joey and Carl stand up.)

Joey: That’s us.

The Doctor: (seeing they’re not identical) But uh, this is a study for identical twins.

Joey: That’s right, $2,000.

The Doctor: But, you’re not identical twins.

Joey: Damnit Carl!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is getting ready for Chandler’s arrival. He enters and finds the place lit with candles and dinner on the table.]

Chandler: Oh my good God.

Monica: Hey! Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals. Tonight, No. 3, macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs.

Chandler: Look, you have done enough! Okay? You have to stop this now.

Monica: I will! But not tonight. For dinner music, I thought we could listen to that tape you made me.

Chandler: Oh, the mixed tape.

(Monica pushes play and The Way You Look Tonight starts to play.)

Monica: The Way You Look Tonight is on here! Dance with me?

(He hesitates, then goes over to dance with her.)

Monica: You are just the sweetest. (They kiss.)

(Suddenly, a strange and familiar voice comes out of the tape player. Here’s a hint, OH…MY…GAWD!! That’s right, it’s Janice!)

Janice: I love the way you look every night Chandler! (Monica breaks the kiss and Chandler freezes in terror.) That’s why I made you this tape! Happy Birthday! Love Janice!

Chandler: No! You’re the sweetest! (He tries to kiss her but Monica backs away with a look that could kill on her face.)

[Scene: A women’s self-defense class, the instructor is just finishing a class.]

The Instructor: Okay ladies, that ends today’s class, and let’s remember, let’s be safe out there.

(The women all clap and start to leave as Ross comes up to the instructor. Apparently he was hiding in the back.)

Ross: It’s a great class.

The Instructor: Thanks.

Ross: Yeah, yeah, I was watching. (The instructor just nods and walks away.) Umm, hey, a couple of questions though. Umm, about that-that-that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what-what-what-what would you do next?

The Instructor: Well, she would take her keys and try to jam them…

Ross: No. No-no. No. What would you do next?

The Instructor: Who? Me the attacker?

Ross: Yes that’s right.

The Instructor: Why?

Ross: I tired attacking two women, did not work.

The Instructor: What?!

Ross: No, I mean it’s okay, I mean, they’re-they’re my friends. In fact, I-I-I was married to one of them.

The Instructor: Let me get this straight man, you attacked your ex-wife?!

Ross: Oh, no! No-no! No, I tired! But I couldn’t. That’s why I’m here. Maybe we could attack them together? (He glares at him.) That-that’s a no.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is trying to explain himself to Monica.]

Chandler: I am so, so, so, so sorry!

Monica: (not buying it) Uh-huh.

Chandler: And I will cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and do anything in there! (Points to the bedroom.)

Monica: (pointing to the kitchen) Yeah you will! (Points to the bedroom) And, are you kiddin’ me?!

Chandler: Come on Monica, it’s our Valentine’s Day. Please? Please-please, please?

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Okay. (They hug.)

Janice’s Voice: (singing) My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine! You make me high over my heart!

(Monica breaks the hug and starts for the bedroom.)

Chandler: So, are we going in there?

Monica: I am!! (Enter her room and closes the door behind her.)

Janice’s Voice: (singing) You’re look for laughable…(She does the now patented Janice laugh.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: The street in front of Central Perk, Ross is walking up and sees two women that look like Phoebe and Rachel from behind.]

Ross: Ah-ha, nowhere to run! (He starts to run towards them.)

[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting up by the window because two guys have their couch.]

Rachel: I don’t like sitting up here! I’m just gonna over… (She starts to get up.)

Phoebe: (stopping her) No Rachel! They got here first!

(Ross appears at the window behind them crouched behind a garbage can and ready to spring his attack on who he thinks are Phoebe and Rachel. The camera cuts to the exterior view and Phoebe and Rachel call the shots from inside.)

Phoebe: Why is Ross doing that?

Ross: DANGER!!!!

Rachel: Oh my God! Why is he jumping on those women!

Phoebe: We should help him!

Rachel: I… Well, I don’t think they need any help.

(Ross starts to scream and run away. He stops in front of the window of Central Perk to check the pursuit and notices Phoebe and Rachel inside looking at him. He mouths, "What?" Then realizes that the women he attacked are closing in so he screams and runs away.)

End

The One Where Ross Dates A Student

Written by: Seth Kurland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey! I just got uh, my teacher evaluations! Check out what this one student wrote, "I loved Dr. Geller’s class. Mind blowing lectures! Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department!"

Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there’s a big selling calendar, eh?

Rachel: Who wrote it?

Ross: Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous.

Joey: Oh hey, do you still have their final exams?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Oh, ‘cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, there’s your admirer. (Ross is stunned.)

Chandler: A hot girl’s at stake and all of the sudden he’s Rain Man.

Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, why are we so sure that this is a girl?

Ross: It’s a girl! Anyway, it wou—it wouldn’t matter. Okay? Because I’m a teacher and she’s a student.

Chandler: Oh, is that against the rules?

Ross: No, but it is frowned upon.

Chandler: I see.

Ross: Besides, there’s a big age difference.

Joey: Oh, well think of it like this, when you’re 90…

Ross: I know when I’m 90 she’ll be like 80 and it won’t seem like such a big difference.

Joey: No that’s not what I was going to say at all. No, what I was going to say is when you’re 90 you’ll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are eating breakfast as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey Chandler! Y’know that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?

Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.

Phoebe: What’s a Movement class?

Monica: It’s Chandler’s way of pretending he didn’t take mime.

Joey: Oh well listen, anyway she’s directing the new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an audition!

Chandler: Oh, I don’t know man. I haven’t talked to her in like ten years.

Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much!

Chandler: You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred…

Joey: Hey-hey dude, why are you changing the subject? Why? Will you make the call or what?

Chandler: Oh okay, I’ll-I’ll try.

Joey: All right! Thanks! You’re the best! Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?

Chandler: Yeah so, Tuesday?

Joey: (angrily) Thursday! Look if you need help remembering think of like this, the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?!

Chandler: (sarcastically) Thank you.

Joey: Okay.

Rachel: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Mon? I’m gonna check my messages.

Chandler: You just thought of that in there?

Monica: Yeah sure, nature called, she wanted to see who else did.

(Rachel dials her number.)

Rachel: (on phone) Hello? (Shocked that someone answered.) Uh, Rachel. (To the gang.) Great, someone is in our apartment. Call the cops!

Monica: You’re on the phone!

Rachel: (on phone) Oh my God! Oh my God! Thank you! (Hangs up) That was the fire department, there was a fire at our place!

Phoebe: Oh my God! How bad was it?

Rachel: Well, he didn’t say, but it was a fire. I’m guessing not very good. Come on, we gotta go!

Monica: Come on! (The girls all run out and Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.)

Chandler: What are you smiling about? What is so funny?

Joey: The part I want to audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be!

[Scene: N.Y.U. Paleontology department, Ross is putting up the grades on the message board.]

Burt: (another professor) Wow! It looks like you were very generous with your grades this semester! (Ross frantically starts to change some as a female student, Elizabeth, approaches.)

Elizabeth: Professor Geller?

Ross: (startled) Yeah?

Elizabeth: I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your class.

Ross: Oh thank you. Thanks very much. (Leans up against the board and on a thumbtack.) Ow! (He pulls away.)

Elizabeth: Uh, I’m a little embarrassed about calling you a hottie on my evaluation…

Ross: That was you?

Elizabeth: Yeah. I felt a little weird about it. You’re a teacher. I’m a student. But would you maybe want to go out with me sometime?

Ross: Oh I, I don’t-I don’t think that would be the best idea.

Elizabeth: Oh, because I was thinking, the semester’s over; you’re not my teacher anymore.

Ross: What time?

Elizabeth: (checks her grade) Oh, y’know what? Forget it, you already gave me an A.

Ross: Gotcha. (Starts to leave.)

Elizabeth: I’m kidding!

Ross: Oh! So-so seriously, what time?

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, everyone minus Ross are arriving to inspect the damage. The fire department is still there.]

Phoebe: Coming through! (Has to dodge a fireman) Oh! Coming through! (Sees a cute one.) Oh! Hello! Hi! (Smiles then realizes) No! Right! Coming through!

(They start to look around seeing that the living room is undamaged.)

Monica: Oh well, it’s not so bad.

Fireman #1: Yeah, most of the damage is pretty mostly contained in the bedrooms.

Phoebe: Oh!

Rachel: My God! (They both run into the bedrooms.)

Joey: (to the fireman) Hey buddy, do you think I can borrow your uniform this Thursday?

Fireman #1: Excuse me?

Monica: Joey! He’s working! (To Chandler) You would look good in that.

(Phoebe and Rachel return)

Joey: Oh, how bad is it?

Phoebe: Oh, it’s bad. It’s really bad. The only thing in there that isn’t burned is an ass. Which I do not remember buying!

Chandler: How’s your room Rach?

Rachel: Everything’s ruined. My bed. My clothes. Look at my favorite blue sweater. (Hold it up.)

Monica: Isn’t that mine?

Rachel: Fine! I’m sorry for your loss! (Hands it back to her.)

Fireman #1: So uh, you’re not gonna be able to live here for a while, you ladies have a place to stay?

Rachel: (stands up) Wow! Oh-okay, look pal, I am not in the mood to be hit on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time.

Monica: (pulling Rachel back down) Yes, they can stay with us.

Chandler: Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?

Fireman #1: Well uh, do either of you smoke?

Phoebe: No, not usually. But yeah, I could use one right now.

Fireman #1: No-no-no, do you uh light candles? Burn incense?

Phoebe: Yes! I do! All the time! I love them! Oh my God! I did it! It’s me! It’s me! I burned down the house! I burned down the house!

Rachel: Okay Phoebe calm down, there’s no need to place blame. Okay? (To the fireman) I warned her about those candles.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on the phone as Joey enters.]

Chandler: God, it’s great to catch up! I can’t believe how long it’s been!

Joey: Chandler, is that… (Mimes someone using a movie camera and Chandler nods yes.)

Chandler: (on phone) Oh that’s great! Good for you.

Joey: Hey-hey listen… (Chandler waves him away.)

Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm… (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?!

Joey: When you’re off the phone, do you wanna get a pizza?

Chandler: (on phone) Hi! I’m back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great. (Listens) Okay. Well, we’ll do it then. (Listens) Okay, bye-bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.)

Joey: Hey listen, so when’s-when’s my audition? I mean I know it’s Thursday, but what time?

(Monica enters.)

Chandler: Hi.

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: (To Joey) We didn’t get to the audition. I’m gonna take her to coffee and then we’ll do it then.

Joey: Ah-ha!

Monica: Wow! So, now you’re going on a date with this girl?

Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I haven’t talked to her in ten years! You can’t just call up somebody you haven’t talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, y’know? You gotta, you got to put in some time.

Monica: You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s not like you’re y’know, going out with an ex-girlfriend.

Chandler: No, we only went out once.

Monica: You dated her!

Chandler: Not once!

Monica: All right, well why don’t I go out with an ex-boyfriend and do Joey a favor?!

Joey: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey. (He turns around to see Chandler glaring at him.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is having coffee with Dana.]

Chandler: (laughs) Oh that’s great, my friend Joey’s in the movie business.

Dana: Y’know who I ran into from school? Howie.

Chandler: (giggles) My friend’s name is Joey.

Dana: Apparently Howie’s editing now. Yeah, he-he-he calls me up and asks me if he can edit my new movie. Can you believe that?! Y’know I-I-I haven’t spoken to him in like ten years and he asks me for a favor!

Chandler: Yeah, I’ve always hated that Howie.

Dana: No, no "How you doing?" Man, I mean not even a cup of coffee first!

Chandler: The nerve huh?

Dana: Yeah!

Chandler: Refill?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is about to debut Hotel Monica (formerly known as Rachel’s Room) to Phoebe and Rachel.]

Monica: Now, this is last minute so I want to apologize for the mess. Okay?

(They walk into a completely redecorated and repainted room. And of course, the room is immaculate. Only an obsessive-compulsive like Monica could find fault with the room.)

Rachel: Oh my God! It sure didn’t look this way when I lived here.

Monica: I know! Now look, there’s only one problem though. There’s only room for one, so I guess one of you will have to stay at Joey’s.

Phoebe: Well, since the fire was kinda my fault I guess (To Rachel) you should get to stay here.

Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey, now this was no one’s fault Pheebs. Okay? It was an accident.

Phoebe: Well no, it was my fault so you should get the nice room.

Rachel: Okay! (She jumps on the bed.)

Monica: So Rach! You’re the first guest at Hotel Monica! Umm, you’ll just have to tell me how you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought I would bring them to you, y’know, in bed. Oh, you have been through so much.

Rachel: I have.

[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is showing Phoebe around.]

Joey: This right here is where I keep the pizza. (He points to the chair.) And uh that’s where the napkin is. (Points to the floor next to the chair.)

Phoebe: What’s that smell?

Joey: I know! (Shrugs his shoulders.)

[Scene: A street, Ross is walking with Elizabeth on their date.]

Elizabeth: Oh please! It was such a big class! You never even noticed me!

Ross: What? Of course I did! You uh, you sat next to Sleepy Sleeperson.

Elizabeth: Who?

Ross: Oh uh, I had trouble remembering everyone’s name, so I-I kinda came up with nicknames. Like the guy on the other side of you was Smelly von Brownshirt.

Elizabeth: Oh yeah. So umm, did you have a nickname for me?

Ross: Umm, no. No.

Elizabeth: Yes you did! What was it?

Ross: Umm, it’s Cutie McPretty.

Elizabeth: Ohh that’s so sweet!

Ross: Listen, I gotta tell ya, I-I’m having a great time! Y’know how before you said it might be weird, the whole student teacher thing, and to be frank I thought it would be too, but it’s not. I mean it’s not at all.

Burt: (exiting from a restaurant) Dr. Geller!

Ross: (pushing Elizabeth into a doorway) Burt!

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are cleaning up the mess.]

Phoebe: So did you sleep well last night?

Rachel: I did.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: I did, Monica was so sweet she left a little mint on my pillow.

Phoebe: Y’know what Joey left on my pillow?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Gum!

Fireman #2: Well, we determined the cause of the fire.

Phoebe: Yeah I know, it was my candle. My candle!

Fireman #2: No, there was an appliance left on in the bathroom. It’s looks like a curling iron.

Phoebe: I don’t use a curling iron.

Fireman #2: Well someone does.

(Phoebe looks at Rachel.)

Rachel: Well, don’t look at me! My hair’s straight! Straight! Straight! Straight!

Fireman #2: It could’ve been a hair straightener.

Rachel: Oh.

[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is now showing Rachel around.]

Joey: This is where I keep the pizza. (It’s the same location as before.) And—Hey! Where did the napkin go?! (The napkin is not in it’s spot.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is reading and Monica runs over and turns on the lamp behind Phoebe.]

Monica: Now there you go! I wouldn’t want my best guest to strain her eyes!

Phoebe: Thanks Monica!

Monica: Does that smell bother you?

Phoebe: What the smell from Joey’s? No, I can hardly smell it over here.

Monica: Well you let me know if you can, because y’know I can bake a pie to cover it.

Phoebe: I can smell it a little, bake the pie.

Monica: Okay!

Phoebe: Okay.

(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh yes, one minute please. (To Phoebe) It’s for you. It’s the fire inspector.

Phoebe: Oh! (Takes the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Yeah this is Phoebe. (Listens) Really?!

[Cut to Joey’s, he’s on the phone.]

Joey: (in a funny voice) Yeah, so it turns out that it wasn’t the hair straightener that started the fire. (Rachel prompts him on what to say next.) No-no, it was the candles. It’s very not good leaving candles unattended. In fact, one of the first things they teach you in fire school is… (Phoebe suddenly enters.) Uhh… Uhh… Okay. Well, I have to go now. (Phoebe leaves.)

[Scene: Joey's apartment, Ross is telling Monica and Joey about his date with Elizabeth.]

Ross: We had such a great time! She’s-she’s incredible! I thought the-the age difference might be a problem, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. Elizabeth is very mature for her age. (Joey makes the international sign for big boobies.) (To Monica) A concept lost on some people!

Monica: So it’s okay to date a student.

Ross: Well, not really. I mean technically it’s-it’s not against the rules or anything, but it is frowned upon. Especially by that professor we ran into last night, Judgey von Holierthanthou.

Monica: Well Ross, you be careful now. You don’t want to get a reputation as y’know Professor McNailshisstudents.

Ross: Yeah. What-what should I do?

Joey: Well Ross, it seems pretty clear. I mean what’s more important? What people think or how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your heart.

Monica: Joey that is so sweet.

(He turns his back to Monica and does the international sign for big boobies again.)

Chandler: (entering) Hey.

Joey: Hey-hey-hey! So, how did it go with Dana? Any reason I should leave a block of time open say Thursday?

Chandler: I couldn’t do it.

Joey: You couldn’t do it?!

Chandler: Hey, relax I just need more time. We’re going to dinner tonight.

Monica: What?! You’re going out with her again!

Ross: Going out with who?

Chandler: Uh, Dana Keystone from college.

Ross: Oh yeah! Wasn’t she uh… (Does the international sign for big boobies.)

Chandler: No, that was Dana Caplin.

The Guys: Ohhhh! (They all look up in a moment of reflection.)

Monica: Joey! You didn’t even know her!

Joey: Ah whatever!

[Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler is having dinner with Dana.]

Chandler: Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!

Dana: Y’know uh, actually I-I-I should get going.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should stay!

Dana: Wow. Oh, I am really flattered, but I just I don’t feel that way about you.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, that’s not—No-no-no!

Dana: I’m sorry Chandler, y’know you are such a sweet guy and I, I don’t want to hurt you. Oh, I wish there was something I can do to make you feel better.

Chandler: No-no—Really?!

Dana: Of course!

Chandler: (breaking up) Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh…

Dana: Ohh, I’m sorry.

Chandler: Well maybe there is one thing you can do.

Dana: What?! Anything! Anything!

Chandler: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday?

Dana: Absolutely! But you-you would really feel better about me rejecting you if your actor friend can audition for my movie?

Chandler: Well, the heart wants what it wants. I’ll see you later. (He runs off and leaves her with the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.)

[Scene: Hotel Monica, Phoebe is on the bed playing her guitar as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey! How’s it goin’?

Phoebe: Well, not much has changed in the last five minutes.

Monica: Yes it has! I made cookies!

Phoebe: Oh that’s all right. I’m still full from your homemade potato chips.

Monica: But you should eat them now because they’re hot from the oven.

Phoebe: Okay. (Reaches for one.)

Monica: (pulling the plate back) Oh-ho! But not in here! Can’t eat ‘em in bed, remember? No crumbies!

Phoebe: (gritting her teeth) Okay, I’ll be out in a second.

Monica: Okay!

(Monica leaves and Phoebe closes the door behind her and tries to lock it.)

Monica: (opening the door) What are you doing?

Phoebe: That doesn’t lock does it?

[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.]

Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry!

Joey: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it.

Rachel: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain!

Joey: Rach! Hey! It’s fine! You’re at Joey’s!

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.)

Rachel: I’ve never lived like this before.

Joey: I know.

(Rachel throws some of hers down.)

Joey: All right, don’t waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and eats it.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Elizabeth are deciding what to do on their second date.]

Ross: What do you want to do now? Huh? You wanna go get a drink?

Elizabeth: Uhh, I can’t.

Ross: Oh, you have some studying to do?

Elizabeth: No, I have some turning 21 to do.

Ross: Y’know I remember when uh, when I was in college, we used to… (He sees some of his colleagues enter and puts his head on her lap.)

Elizabeth: What are you doing?

Ross: Nothing, I’m-I’m just, I’m so comfortable with you!

Elizabeth: Do you not want to be seen with me?

Ross: What? No! Of course, of course I do! Are-are they gone?

Elizabeth: Uh no, they’re still here but I think I’m about to leave.

Ross: What?! No! No! Wait! You’re right, this is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, I mean we like each other right? There’s nothing wrong with that. Come on. (They get up and go over to the table where his colleagues are sitting.) Burt? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Hi!

Lydia: Aren’t you in my Popular Culture class?

Ross: That’s right Lydia, Elizabeth here is a student and uh, we’re dating. And you may frown upon that, but we’re not gonna hide it anymore.

Mel: You are so fired.

Ross: What?

Burt: They’re gonna fire you! You can’t date a student! It’s against the rules.

Ross: Really? Its not just frowned upon?

[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are throwing huge spitballs at the entertainment center.]

Rachel: I love it at Joey’s!

Joey: Hey, here you go. (Hands her another one.)

Chandler: (entering, sees Rachel’s throw) Ni-hi-ice!

Rachel: Thanks!

Chandler: (To Joey) So, you busy Thursday?

Joey: Oh, very funny. I don’t know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesn’t say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Let’s hug it up! (They hug.)

Chandler: Okay. Okay. (Joey puts him down.) What are you gonna do to me if you get the part?

Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Hi!

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Listen umm, yeah okay, I need to talk to you!

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: Now I know that they said that the umm, the hair straightener started the fire but I think I’m partly at fault. You see, I didn’t, I didn’t tell you but umm, but I-I had recently refilled the tissues and so y’know let’s just face it, that’s just kindling! So I think it’s better that I stay at Joey’s.

Rachel: No, no-no-no. Phoebe, this was my fault and besides y’know what? I’m fine here.

Phoebe: Okay. Oh umm, Chandler, Monica is looking for you.

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah she said something about crumbies.

Chandler: No! No! No! I was so careful! (Runs out.)

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Okay, you have to switch with me! Monica is driving me crazy!

Joey: That’s right, all the ladies want to stay at Joey’s.

Rachel: No! No! Phoebe, come on! I don’t want to switch! Please come on! I can throw wet paper towels here!

Phoebe: No but at Monica’s you can eat cookies over the sink!

Rachel: I know. I’m sorry.

Phoebe: All right fine! This looks like so much fun. (Examining the bowl of wet paper towels.)

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: God, what a mess. (She grabs the bowl and heads for Monica’s.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is looking at his handbook. Elizabeth is also there.]

Ross: Wow! It actually is in the handbook. I can’t date you or have a hot plate in my office. I can’t believe we have to stop seeing each other.

Elizabeth: For what it’s worth I did appreciate you standing up for me. It felt really nice. It kinda made me like you even more.

Ross: I know, I know I really like you too. But we-we can’t date. It’s against the rules. It’s forbidden.

Elizabeth: Wow!

Ross: What?

Elizabeth: Just hearing you describe it as forbidden, it’s really hot.

Ross: Really?

Elizabeth: Yeah.

Ross: Well I-I-I don’t care how hot it is it’s-it’s uh, it’s wrong.

Elizabeth: Stop it! (She starts to get all worked up.)

Ross: (feeling it too) No! No! It’s wrong! It’s-it’s-it’s naughty. It’s taboo.

Elizabeth: Shut the book!

(They frantically start making out.)

Ross: Let’s also get a hot plate!

(They start making out again.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is eating pizza as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: So?!

Joey: So?

Chandler: It’s Thursday! How was the audition?!

Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs—(He gasps in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.)

End

The One With Joey’s Fridge

Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein

Story by: Seth Kurland

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Joey and now Rachel's apartment, Joey has the fridge pulled out away from the wall and is in the process of pulling off the cooling grate behind it.]

Joey: Well that thing is clearing in the way! All right. Ah-ha! (He grabs a screwdriver and starts to attack the compressor, only he causes a small short circuit and shocks himself.) Ah-ah!! Damn fridge!

(Rachel enters from her new room.)

Rachel: Hi Joey, how ya doin’?

Joey: Great! Roomie!

Rachel: Huh, yeah I guess we are roommates now.

Joey: Yeah! Well, now that you brought it up, our fridge is broken. We have to get a new one. Now, I checked around and your half is $400. Thanks a lot.

Rachel: I’m not paying for half of that! I’m only staying here until my apartment gets fixed.

Joey: Look Rach, my parents bought this fridge just after I was born, okay? Now, I have never had a problem with it. Then you show up and it breaks! What does that tell ya’?

Rachel: That refrigerators don’t live as long as people.

Joey: All right, now you know that the ATM will only lets you take out 300 at a time, I’ll take a check for the other hundred.

Rachel: You’re jokin’ right?

Joey: Of course I’m jokin’! I don’t take checks.

Rachel: Thank God you’re pretty. (Exits.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

All: Hi! Hey!

Rachel: Do you guys know any cute guys?

Chandler: Well, of course I do! My good friend Joey over here. (Pats Joey’s arm, Joey pats Chandler’s shoulder, and Chandler motions for Joey to say the same about him.)

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. Thank you Chandler.

Rachel: Anyway, there’s this big charity ball this weekend and Ralph Lauren bought a table, so I kinda have to go…

Monica: What’s the charity?

Rachel: I don’t know, something either trees or disease—Ralph mumbles a lot.

Monica: Does Ralph mumble when you’re not paying attention?

Rachel: Yeah! It’s weird. But the thing is need to find a date.

Phoebe: Well, what kind of guy are you looking for?

Rachel: Well, someone that has his own tux, or has the ability to rent a tux.

Chandler: So he has to be a male who has at least $50.

Joey: Ooh! So close.

(Ross and Elizabeth enter.)

Ross: Hey everybody!

All: Hi!

Ross: Hey uh, this is Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Oh hi!

All: Hi!

Elizabeth: I’m the student.

Chandler: (laughs) Isn’t she cute? (On Monica’s death stare) No!

Phoebe: Y’know, this is probably none of my business, but weren’t you guys supposed to not be seen in public together?

Elizabeth: Oh, we’re not together.

Ross: Oh no-no-no, we’re just two people who happen to run into each other here at the coffee house. (He winks at her.)

Phoebe: Oh, sly.

Elizabeth: Well, I really wanted to meet you guys, but I have to run. I’ll see you later?

All: Okay!

Elizabeth: Bye Ross.

Ross: Bye.

(They kiss.)

Elizabeth: Oops! I did not mean to run into you like that sir.

Ross: Oh that is quite all right ma’am. (Elizabeth exits.)

Chandler: So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?

Ross: Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.

Chandler: Oh, tell her good luck with that.

Ross: Anyone else? Huh? Bring ‘em on!

Rachel: Oo! When’s her birthday?!

Ross: I don’t know Rachel, why?

Rachel: Well, y’know it’s just been so long since I’ve been to Chuckie Cheese.

Monica: Oh, I like Elizabeth.

Ross: Well thanks!

Monica: Yeah. In fact, I like her so much you tell her I want my cookies early this year! Y’know, a box of Thin Mints and some Tag-a-Longs.

Joey: Hey-hey come on you guys, give him a break. Ross, seriously, how’s it going with her?

Ross: Well, actually it’s been great. She’s 20 so she’s not looking for anything too serious, which is perfect for me right now.

Monica: Well that is great. And seriously, she seems very nice.

Ross: Thanks. I know you guys like to give me a hard time and all, but it really means a lot to me that you like her. Just knowing that you guys are…

Phoebe: (interrupting) Okay, I got a good one. Okay, umm, what is she? Like 12?

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the table and Monica is doing something in the kitchen.]

Monica: Chandler, do you think we talk about our relationship enough?

Chandler: Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll-Ups?

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Okay, I just thought of the perfect guy for Rachel to take to her thing.

Chandler: Oh that’s so funny because we found someone too.

Phoebe: Oh that’s good, I guess she’ll have a choice between my guy and your weirdo.

Chandler: Why would our guy be a weirdo?

Phoebe: ‘Cause that’s just your taste.

Monica: (laughs sarcastically) Rachel is not going to pick your stupid guy.

Phoebe: Oh yeah?

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: My guy is a lawyer who has volunteer work. And, he has one of these (She squeezes the skin on her chin together to form…)

Chandler: A face ass?

Phoebe: A chin dimple!

Monica: Well, uh y’know, our guy works with Chandler and he’s really nice and smart and he’s a great dresser!

Phoebe: Have you seen your guy’s body?

Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head.

Phoebe: Well my guy is spectacular. Okay? He’s a massage client and one time umm, when he was on the table, I looked at it. And I mean all of it.

Monica: You’re not supposed to look!

Phoebe: Oh yeah, like there are police for that!

Chandler: (horrified) Wait! You look? You-you massaged me.

Phoebe: I know. (Laughs.)

Monica: All right fine, your guy may have a great body, but our guy is really funny.

Phoebe: Oh, Chandler funny?

Monica: Our guy’s a great dancer!

Phoebe: My guy is well read.

Chandler: Our guy has great hair.

Phoebe: My guy has great teeth!

Chandler: Our guy smells incredible.

Monica: (To Chandler) Do you want our guy to be your guy?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isn’t doing all that well.]

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Huh.

Chandler: Well, you…don’t look good Joe.

Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar?

Chandler: That’s still in there?!

Joey: Not anymore. So anyway, how do you want to pay me?

Chandler: Is this a service you’re providing me?

Joey: No! No! No! For my new fridge—our new fridge!

Chandler: Our new fridge? I don’t live here anymore.

Joey: So what? Look, suppose we were a divorced couple.

Chandler: Uh-huh.

Joey: And I got custody of the kid, right? Now suppose the kid dies and-and I gotta buy a new kid.

Chandler: (not quite sure where Joey’s going and is a little worried) Okay…

Joey: (pause) Give me $400!

[Scene: Ross’s office, he’s unlocking his office door as Elizabeth walks up.]

Elizabeth: Professor Geller?

Ross: Hmm? (Turns around and sees that its Elizabeth) Oh, a student I don’t know.

Elizabeth: I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment?

Ross: Yes, yes of course, what-what would this be regarding?

Elizabeth: Making out in your office.

Ross: Shh! (Laughs then composes himself) Of course, why don’t we go inside?

(They go inside and Ross closes the door. When he turns around Elizabeth walks up to him, pushes him back against the door, and starts kissing him.)

Ross: Oh-ooh!

Elizabeth: What?

Ross: Doorknob! Doorknob!

Elizabeth: Oh! Sorry! Umm, I actually do need to talk to you.

Ross: Oh, okay. What-what about?

Elizabeth: Spring vacation.

Ross: Spring vacation.

Elizabeth: Yeah, we have time off and a lot of people are going on trips…

(Another professor barges in.)

Professor Feesen: Professor Geller!

Ross: (quickly jumping away from Elizabeth) Yes, professor Feesen-sen-stenlger… I’ll be with you in one moment. (To Elizabeth) So, I will take one box of the Thin Mints. (And he ushers Elizabeth out of the office.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Ross, Chandler, and Joey are entering.]

Ross: You don’t understand! Elizabeth was about to ask me to go on a trip with her! Is that taking it slow?! No, I’m not ready for this! Okay? What-what do I tell her?

Chandler: Just tell her the truth! Tell her you’re not ready.

Ross: I can do that. Oh-oh, what if she gets upset?

Chandler: Then you distract her with a Barbie doll.

Joey: Or! You can just, y’know… (He walks up close to whisper in Ross’s ear and when he gets there he pushes Ross into the fridge.)

Ross: What the hell are you doing?

Joey: What? What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!

Ross: What?! What? How do you, how do you even know its broken?!

Joey: Oh-ho-ho, you think I don’t know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me! (He opens the door and feels inside.) Well what do you know! Broken! That’ll be $400!

Chandler: Joey, I saw you push him!

Joey: (pause) You pushed him!

Ross: Joey, I did not break this! Okay? (He opens the freezer and smells inside and recoils in disgust.) That has been broken for a while.

Joey: All right. Chandler, do you remember how I told you about our fridge?

Chandler: Uh-huh.

Joey: I still haven’t gotten a check for your half yet.

Ross: Do not give him any money!

Joey: I’m not talking to you! You broke my fridge!

[Scene: Ross’s office, he’s opening the door to Elizabeth.]

Elizabeth: You wanted to see me Professor Geller?

Ross: Yes. Yes! Please, come in.

(She does so, he closes the door, and she pushes him against the doorknob again.)

Ross: Oo-oo!

Elizabeth: Doorknob?

Ross: Yeah, it kinda grows on you. (They both laugh.) Actually, I wanted to finish talking to you about uh, spring vacation.

Elizabeth: Oh good.

Ross: Look, I… (He has trouble sitting in his chair.) Look, I’m having a great time with you and I just don’t want us to move to fast or put to much pressure on us. So, I’m sorry I just don’t think we should go away together yet. It’s-it’s too soon.

Elizabeth: Ross, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to Florida for a couple weeks.

Ross: No. I think you misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant was…

Elizabeth: You are so adorable.

Ross: That! Let’s talk about that.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey! How did it go with Elizabeth?

Ross: Huh? Oh-oh, it was fine. Uh, it was just a misunderstanding. She didn’t want me to go with her. She just wanted to let me know that she’s going to Florida for spring vacation.

Chandler: Wait a minute, is she going for spring vacation or is she going for spring break? (Does a little whooping/party noise.)

Ross: What’s-what’s the difference?

Monica: Well, spring vacation is doing nice things with your grandparents. Spring break you’re doing frat guys.

Ross: Hey, y’know what? Not all spring breaks are like that.

Phoebe: What did you do on yours?

Ross: I went to Egypt with my dad.

Chandler: I can see it now, "Look dad, it’s the Sphinx!" (Does that party noise again.)

Ross: Hey, I think Elizabeth is a little more serious than, "Spring break!" (Imitates the party noise.) All right? I mean she’s taken my class!

Monica: And slept with the professor.

Ross: I’m gonna call her.

Chandler: Yeah.

(Ross leaves to do so and Rachel enters with a guy.)

Rachel: Hey! You guys umm, I want you to meet Sebastian.

Sebastian: Hi.

Rachel: We just uh, we just met at the newsstand. We both grabbed for the last Field & Stream. (Chandler’s shocked.) What? I read that.

Sebastian: Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you! (He does so and Rachel sits down on the couch.)

Phoebe: Rachel, what the hell is this?!

Rachel: (shocked) What?

Phoebe: You ask us to find you a guy and you come traipsing in here with your own!

Rachel: You found me a guy?

Monica: Yes! We found you a really cute and funny guy from Chandler’s work!

Phoebe: Yeah and I-I found you one too who is not a weirdo.

Rachel: Well, y’know what though you guys? I really appreciate that but I think I’m just gonna take Sebastian to the charity.

Chandler: Are you sure?! Because our guy smells incredible!

Monica: Uh, would you stop it with that already?!

(Sebastian returns with the coffee.)

Sebastian: Here you go. (Hands her, her cup.)

Rachel: Oh, thank you.

Sebastian: Sure.

Phoebe: So, Sebastian, do you do any volunteer work?

Sebastian: Uh, no not really. Why?

Phoebe: No reason, it’s just I know a single guy that cares about other people.

Chandler: Are you funny?

Sebastian: Excuse me?

Rachel: What are you guys doing?

Monica: Are you funny? Tell us a joke!

Sebastian: Look, I just wanted to have coffee with Rachel.

Phoebe: Well, so do a lot of people.

Sebastian: Actually, I uh, I gotta get going. (To Rachel) Give me a call sometime.

Rachel: Oh, but y’know, no, you didn’t give me your phone number.

Sebastian: Okay! See you later! (Exits.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Turns out he is kinda funny.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: I cannot believe you guys! He was really nice and he left because of you!

Chandler: Yeah, but Sebastian? What is that? A cat’s name?

Phoebe: Yeah, y’know what I noticed Rachel? He scares easy. Is that the kind of guy you’d like to take to a ball? "Hey Sebastian, would you like to dance?" (Imitates him.) "Uhh, okay—I gotta go!"

Monica: All right guys stop it. Rachel, we’re very sorry that is a very insensitive thing for us to do. And y’know what? Let us make it up to you, we have two really great guys for you.

Phoebe: Yeah! What have you got to lose? Y’know you might even end up with someone really special (whispers) if you pick my guy.

Rachel: All right.

Chandler: Okay, so you will meet our guys?

Rachel: Yes, I’ll meet ‘em.

Chandler: Okay now it doesn’t matter which one you choose, y’know? It’s completely up to you. Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy Phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself.

Joey: (entering) Pheebs! There you are! Okay, you broke my fridge; you owe me 400 bucks!

Phoebe: Okay sure!

Joey: Really?!

Phoebe: Ooh, technically you owe me $600 for sending out happy thoughts on your last ten auditions.

Joey: Call it even?

Phoebe: Okay.

(Ross returns.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Well, there you are! So what did Elizabeth say?

Ross: Well, it turns out that she is going to Daytona for spring break woo-hoo. That means, that means wet T-shirt contests, guys doing shots off of girl’s bodies, waking up next to people you don’t even know…

Joey: Man, she is going to have a great time! Is she staying at the Hotel Corona?

Chandler: You know the hotels?

Joey: Sure! I was there! Spring Break ’81! Woo-hoo!

Monica: In 1981 you were 13!

Joey: So what? I drove down, sold T-shirts, had a blast. And y’know who knows how to party? Drunk college chicks.

Ross: Okay, she can’t go.

Phoebe: Ross, you can’t tell her not to go. You just started dating.

Ross: Then what am I supposed to do?

Phoebe: Nothing, you just have to be cool with it.

Ross: Well, what is she goes down and-and sleeps with a bunch of guys?

Chandler: Well, maybe you don’t marry this one.

[Scene: Elizabeth’s apartment, she is packing for her trip as Ross watches.]

Ross: I’m so glad you’re going on this trip!

Elizabeth: Yeah! I’ve been working so hard this semester. I really need to go crazy y’know, blow off some steam.

Ross: Sure. Sure. Look I don’t, I don’t know if your plans are finalized yet, but umm, hey I-I know another great way to blow off steam.

Elizabeth: What?

Ross: Are you into crafts at all?

Elizabeth: Ross, are you okay?

Ross: Well, yeah, of-of course I’m okay! What? I’m just being supportive. Supportive of you and this whole trip, and-and (notices something) what-what is uh, what’s this? (He holds up a rather skimpy bathing suit.)

Elizabeth: It’s a bathing suit?

Ross: To wear in front of people?

Elizabeth: Is that supportive?

Ross: Is this?!

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is reading as Monica and Chandler enter.]

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Good-good-good-good.

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: We’re really glad you decided to meet our guy.

Rachel: Oh…

Monica: You’re gonna like him so much. So umm, when do you want to meet him?

Rachel: I don’t know. I know I don’t work late tomorrow night.

Chandler: Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow night is good, but uh, y’know what? Why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now? (Laughs) Eldad come here! (He stands up from the next table.)

Rachel: What?

Monica: Eldad, this is Rachel.

Eldad: How are you?

Rachel: Well-well a little blind sided but y’know good.

Chandler: Eldad, sit down. (To Rachel) Move over! Move over now!

Rachel: I—Ohh! (Moves over and lets Eldad sit on the couch.)

Chandler: There you go! There you are! (Rachel stares at Monica and Chandler)

Monica: Okay! Okay! We can take a hint! (They start to leave but run into Phoebe with her guy in tow.) (To Phoebe) What are you doing here?!

Phoebe: This is Patrick. (Points to him.)

Patrick: Hi.

Chandler: Hi. (To Phoebe) Okay, you’re too late okay? Because she’s already with our guy.

Phoebe: (looks) Oh my God, you’re right! I am too late; they’re sitting on the couch and talking! (To Patrick) Come on! (They go over to the couch.) Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah?

Phoebe: This is Patrick.

Rachel: Oh, hi.

Patrick: Hi.

Phoebe: Yeah, this is the guy I was telling you about.

Rachel: Yeah?

Phoebe: Yeah. And believe me, this suit does not do justice to what’s underneath it.

Rachel: Oh-okay, but Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: I’m just sort of in the middle of something.

Phoebe: Oh! Okay! Yeah, that’s okay. (To Patrick) Have a seat. (Sits Patrick down next to Rachel.)

Monica: No! You can’t do that!

Eldad: Maybe I should go!

Monica: (stopping him) Sit down! We’re winning!

Rachel: Okay, y’know what? Maybe I should go!

All: (Chandler stops her) No-no-no-no! Have a seat! Have a seat!

Monica: Rachel! Rachel! You haven’t touched Eldad’s hair!

Chandler: It is the softest hair! Touch it! (Both he and Monica do so.)

Rachel: Yeah, I’m good.

Phoebe: Rachel? Patrick is really rich. (To Patrick) Give her some money.

Patrick: Y’know what Phoebe? This isn’t really worth the free massage.

Monica: That’s right Patrick, bye-bye!

Chandler: (To Rachel) Eldad is much more cooperative! And he can dance! (To Eldad) You dance for Rachel!

(He starts to get up, but Rachel stops him.)

Rachel: No-no! Don’t dance for me! Please? Don’t! (She gets up to yell at her ‘friends.’) What is the matter with you guys?

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, let’s talk it out.

Rachel: I… Am I the only one that this is embarrassing for?

Eldad: I’m a little embarrassed. (Chandler shushes him.)

Rachel: I’ll tell ya who should be embarrassed! It’s you guys! Come on! This is ridiculous! Thank you very much, but I do not need you to get me a date!

Phoebe: Then why did she ask us to…

Rachel: I am still talking!! And then you chase away the one guy that I actually liked! I mean, no offense to you guys. Really! I mean (To Patrick) congratulations on all the cash, (He nods) and-and y’know—(Feels Eldad’s hair)—Wow! You do have very soft hair! But I would much rather go to the ball all by myself than go through anymore of this! Good-bye! (Grabs her stuff, starts to leave, then turns back suddenly, and to Eldad) Now do you use some sort of special conditioner on that hair?!

Eldad: Yes, Papaya Extract.

Rachel: Thank you! (Storms out.)

[Scene: The airport, Elizabeth’s flight is about to leave and Ross is there to send her off.]

Ross: So uh, have a great time down there.

Elizabeth: I will.

Ross: Yeah. And did you, did you pack that bathing suit?

Elizabeth: Yeah.

Ross: It was pretty funny when I, when I hid it for a while, huh? Anyway, umm, I-I am worried about that bathing suit, not because it’s revealing which I’m fine with, no I’m concerned about your health, sun exposure.

Elizabeth: Oh, don’t worry I have plenty of sun block, it’s SPF-30.

Ross: Well, if what’s in the bottle is actually 30. I mean sometimes you get 30, sometimes it’s-it’s get 4, and I swear to God more often than not it’s just milk.

Elizabeth: Ross, it’s going to be okay. I’m not going down there to hook up with a bunch of guys. I really like you. I like how things are going between us.

Ross: Really?

Elizabeth: Yeah! I’m just going down there to relax and hang out with my friends.

Ross: Okay. Cool.

Elizabeth: Oh hey! Here they are!

(A group of about 10 guys and no women come running around the corner.)

Guy: Elizabeth!

(The guys pick up Elizabeth and carry her onto the plane as she waves bye.)

Ross: Call me!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are there.]

Phoebe: Rachel, we’re sorry for pushing those guys on you.

Rachel: Oh that’s all right! Y’know, I ended up having a really good time. Y’know, the charity was a big success and they raised a lot of money and awareness.

Chandler: So what was it for anyway?

Rachel: I wanna say a disease.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Joey: I just got this really weird message from Ross. He said turn on MTV.

Rachel: Huh. All right.

(Rachel does so and it’s one of those dance party shows they have during spring break and we see…)

Phoebe: Oh my God, look! That’s Elizabeth!

(Suddenly Ross jumps in and starts dancing with her.)

Rachel: Oh-oh Professor Geller.

Joey: Ahh, to be 13 again.

Chandler: Yeah.

End

The One With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.

Written by: Doty Abrams

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

With Scenes Taken From Episodes Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips, guineapig, Ruth Curran, Josh Hodge, and Me.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Phoebe is helping Joey rehearse for an audition. Phoebe is overacting her part.]

Joey: The reactor’s gonna blow in three seconds, we’re never gonna make it!

Phoebe: You’ve got to get out of here! Save yourself!

Joey: No! I won’t leave you!

Phoebe: Don’t worry about me, I’m a robot! I’m just a machine!!

Joey: No you’re not! Not to me!

Phoebe: (she stops reading from the script) Oh my God.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: I am extremely talented!

Joey: Yeah, you’re great! Okay, let’s take it from…

Phoebe: (interrupting) No, I mean I was really acting my ass off.

Joey: Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, you’re solid. Yeah, you’re just no me.

Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for now. Yeah. I don’t want to be over rehearsed.

Phoebe: (tremendously overacting) Fine! I’ll do it without you! (Joey gives her thumbs up) I don’t need you or anybody else! I’m gonna make it on my own! (Joey closes the door to his bedroom.) You’ll see!! You’ll all see!!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is memorizing his lines. Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as well.]

Chandler: (To Joey) So uh, what’s this thing you’re auditioning for?

Joey: Oh, it’s a new TV show. Yeah. I’m up for the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, I’m a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He’s a, he’s a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E."

Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.

Joey: That’s the title! Yeah! Y’know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese.

Chandler: That is lucky.

Rachel: Huh—Wait so Joey if you get this, you’re gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean you’ll be like the Big Cheese! (To Phoebe) Or the Big Mac—Hey! You love those!

Joey: Well, don’t get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen.

Chandler: Now-now, why would you say that Joseph?

Joey: I mean come on you guys! My own TV show? I just don’t know if I’m good enough.

Phoebe: I am.

Rachel: Joey, what are you talking about? You’re a terrific actor.

Joey: You really think so?

Rachel: Ugh, how can you even ask that question?!

[And with that we go into the save the budget portion of the show, which features flashbacks from previous episodes. The first set of auditions feature high lights or low lights of Joey’s acting career. The first flashback is from The One With The Lesbian Wedding.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there to watch Joey's first scene as Dr. Drake Remoray.]

Chandler:  Whoa, she's pretty. (Mentioning the girl on TV)

Joey:  Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.

Rachel:  I'm sorry, what?

Monica:  What?

Ross:  Excuse me?

Joey:  It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. (Does this intense look where it looks like he's smelling a fart.)

Chandler:  Oh, ok.

Joey: (there's a gunshot on TV) There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.  I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..." (Does the smell-the-fart look.)

[The next flashback is from The One With The Butt.  The gang is watching Joey in Freud!]

Joey: (on stage in an Austrian accent) Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)

All you want is a dingle,

What you envy's a schwang,

A thing through which you can tinkle,

Or play with, or simply let hang...

[The next flashback is also from The One With The Butt and it's also on the soundtrack.  He's Joey telling everyone about his big break in Monica and Rachel's apartment.]

Joey:  I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.

Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.

Joey:  C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!

Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business.

Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!

Ross: You're right, you're right, it is.

Monica:  Yes.

Ross:  So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?

[Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]

Joey: All right well, I’m outta here. Wish me luck.

Phoebe: (overacting with a song this time) (singing) Gooood luck! Gooood luck! We all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!!

Joey: Yeah, whatever. (Exits.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are playing chess and are both studying the board intently.]

Ross: It’s your turn.

Chandler: Oh, are we playing this?!

Joey: (entering, dejectedly) Hey.

Chandler: Hey! How’d the audition go?

Joey: Terrible! I messed up every line! I shouldn’t even be an actor!

Ross: Wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn’t go well but it really did go well?

Joey: Yeah, did I fool ya?

Ross: Totally!

Chandler: So it did go well.

Joey: Oh, it went amazingly well!

Ross: Great!

Chandler: Oh that’s great!

Joey: Yeah-yeah, it’s down to me and two other guys.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Ross: Wow!

Joey: And I know both of them, they’re really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials who’s always getting chased by those big flowers…

Ross: Oh, I love that guy! (Laughs.)

Chandler: Oh-oh, what are you doing?

Ross: (stops laughing) What am I doing?

Joey: I’m just so nervous! Y’know? The callback isn’t until tomorrow at five. I feel like my head is going to explode!

Chandler: Well, it is overdue.

Ross: Look, don’t worry. Okay? You’re gonna be fine.

Joey: There’s just so much pressure. I mean no offense, but what you guys do is very different. I don’t know if you’d understand.

Ross: Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs.

[Thus starts another series of flashbacks all dealing with the pressure the rest of the Friends have to deal with in their jobs. The first flashback is from The One With The Stoned Guy.]

[Scene: Chandler's office. He's on the phone, agitated.]

Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!

[The next flashback is from The One With The Prom Video.  Monica is at a job interview at a new restaurant.]

Monica:  Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.

Interviewer:  Uh-huh. Is it dirty?

Monica:  Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.

Interviewer:  Don't, I like it dirty.

Monica:  That's your call.

Interviewer:  So, uh, what are you going to do next?

Monica:  Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.

Interviewer:  Are they, uh, firm?

Monica:  They'r alright.

Interviewer:  You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?

Monica:  No really, they're OK.

Interviewer:  You gonna slice them up real nice?

Monica:  Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.

Interviewer:  Aaaahhhhhhh.

Monica:  I'm outa here. [Monica leaves]

[The next flashback is from The One With Rachel's Crush.]

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job.]

Rachel:  (on the phone) Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! (Pause) I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up.)

[The next flashback is from The One With The Dozen Lasagnas, Phoebe is telling everyone but Rachel about the pass Paulo made on her.]

Monica:  Well, what happened?

Phoebe:  Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until... (The flashback shows Paulo lying face down on the massage table and slowly moving his hands up Phoebe's legs and grabbing her butt.)

All:  Ohhhhhh!

Ross:  Oh my God!

Phoebe:  And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (The flashback shows Paulo rolling over and showing Phoebe his equipment.)

Monica:  Was it...

Phoebe:  Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under it!

[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's Sandwich, Ross his confronting his boss about him eating Ross's sandwich.]

Ross: You ate my sandwich?

Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.

Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really?

Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash.

Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What?

Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away.

Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away!

[Cut to an outside shot of the museum.]

Ross:  (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!!

[Cut to a shot of a park.]

Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons away.)

[Cut back to Central Perk.]

Joey: I want this part so much! Y’know? If I don’t get this part I’m never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!—No, I didn’t say that! That’s a lie.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is there talking to the chick and duck.]

Chandler: Oh come on guys, it’s not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren’t for (struggles to get this out) Monica’s allergies. (The duck quacks.) You’re right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joey’s not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.)

Monica: (startled) Ahh! Aren’t you dressed yet?

Chandler: (looks down at his clothes) Am I naked again?!

Monica: We’re supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.

Chandler: Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they come visit?

Monica: Wh?! What about my allergies?!

Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball and Joey scores a goal.]

Joey: Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right! Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy would that be?

Chandler: As crazy as soccer?

(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)

Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you talking about? The audition’s not ‘til 5:00! (Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the unfinished message then tries to sneak over and finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody told me! (Listens) Who’d you talk to? (Listens and turns around to see Chandler trying to finish the message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.)

Chandler: You mean you didn’t get it from this?

Joey: The allergy guy got the part! Thanks!

Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it y’know? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!

Joey: How could you do this to me Chandler?! This part could’ve turned my whole career around!

Chandler: I messed up. Okay? I’m sorry, I really messed up.

Joey: Hey, you don’t even live here anymore! What are you doing answering my phone? I have my machine!

Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybody’s allowed one mistake, right?

[Joey just laughs as a third set of flashbacks featuring Chandler’s mistakes starts. The first flashback is from The One With The Prom Video.  It's Chandler telling Phoebe how much he hates the bracelet Joey bought him.  They're both at Central Perk.]

Chandler:  You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller!  The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!

Phoebe:  It's not that bad.

Chandler:  Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]

Phoebe:  Chandler, Chandler.

Chandler:  I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi!

[The next flashback is from The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line.  He's telling Joey that he kissed Cathy.]

Chandler:  Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and…

Joey:  And what?! Did you sleep with her?!

Chandler:  No! No! No! I just kissed her.

Joey:  What?!! That’s even worse!!

Chandler:  How is that worse?!

Joey:  I don’t know! But it’s the same!

Chandler:  You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.

Joey:  Over the line?! You-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

[Cut back to Joey and Rachel’s apartment.]

Chandler: Look, I’m not saying that you should magically forgive me! But you’re not perfect! You’ve made some errors in judgment too!

Joey: Name one!

[Chandler proceeds to point out Joey’s errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is from The One With The Cat.   Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the entertainment center.]

Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!!

Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!!

Chandler:  What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!

Joey:  Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man!

Chandler:  So--You got in voluntarily?!

Joey:  I was tryin’ to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I’m gonna do?

Chandler:  BEND OVER?!!!

[The next flashback is from The One With The Candy Hearts.  Joey and Chandler are waiting at a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.]

Chandler: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.

Lorraine: Hi, Joey. (Sees Chandler.) Well well, look what you brought.

Chandler: ...And what did you bring?

Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.

Chandler: Janice?

(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.)

Chandler: Janice?!

Janice: Oh.... my.... God.

[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's New Girlfriend.  Chandler is telling Ross and Joey that Joey's tailor took advantage of him.]

Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.

Ross: What?

Joey: No way!  I've been going to the guy for 12 years.

Chandler: Oh come on!  He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...

Ross: What?

Chandler: Cupping.

Joey: That's how they do pants!  Ross, will you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!

[Cut back to the present.]

Joey: I said name one!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Rachel are consoling Chandler.]

Chandler: I can’t believe I did this! What an idiot!

Monica: Oh, stop beating yourself up! People make mistakes! These things happen! There aren’t any message you’ve forgotten to give me are there? (Chandler has a disgusted look on his face.) Apparently you’re not very good at it! I…

Chandler: Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?

Rachel: Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself!

Chandler: Y’know what? I-I kinda have.

Rachel: Already? That’s pretty bad what you did.

Monica: Y’know what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case… (Chandler gets that disgusted look back.) Okay…

Chandler: You didn’t see how mad he was, y’know?

Rachel: I’m sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there! Y’know, you fight, you make up, it’s just the way it works.

[We then go into another set of flashbacks of famous fights. The first is the second breakup of Ross and Rachel from The One With The Jellyfish.]

Ross: It took two people to break up this relationship!!

Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!

Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter!

Rachel: What?!!

Ross: I fell asleep!

Rachel: (mocking him) You fell asleep?!

Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’

Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!

Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!

Chandler: (coming out from behind the door) I KNEW IT!!!!

[The next flashback is from The One After The Superbowl, Part II.  Monica and Rachel are fighting over who gets to see Jean-Claude Van Damme.]

Monica: You had no right to go out with him.

Rachel: That is the most ridiculous...

Monica: You sold me out.

Rachel: I did not sell you out.

Monica: Yes you did.  You absolutely sold me...

Rachel: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]

Monica: Did you just flick me?

Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]

(They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other.)

Phoebe: Oh!  All right.  Now, let's not do this!

(Rachel tackles Monica onto the couch.)

Phoebe: Happy thoughts!  Happy thoughts!

(They wrestle on the couch for a little while until Monica gets the upper hand and pulls Rachel off of the couch by her sock.  Monica removes Rachel's sock and starts beating her with it.)This leads to wrestling on the floor. This finally angers Phoebe.)

Phoebe: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.

(Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear.)

Monica and Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Phoebe: I know!  I know!  I know!

Phoebe: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.

Rachel: Fine!

Monica: Fine!

Phoebe: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

[The next flashback is from The One Where No One's Ready.  Joey is retaliating against Chandler hiding his underwear by wearing a whole bunch of clothes.]

Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...

(Chandler does this throat sound.)

Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)

[The next flashback is from The One Where Eddie Moves In.   It's the sequence where Joey and Chandler are both saddened that they're not living together anymore. All By Myself is playing in the background.]

[Joey's place. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to and throws the phone back down.]

[Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]

[Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]

[Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering with a peace offering of a Joey Special, two pizzas.]

Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joey’s not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) He’s still got a chance for the part?! Oh, that’s great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, that’s great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what he’s writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is entering to find Chandler waiting patiently for him.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Please tell me you got the message!

Joey: What message?

Chandler: The actor playing Mac couldn’t do it, they needed to see you at 2 o’clock.

Joey: What?! It’s 6 o’clock!

Chandler: Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over New York City looking for ya! I went to Ross’s! I went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches!

Joey: I can’t believe this Chandler!

Chandler: Sorry! I-I-I don’t know what to say.

Joey: Well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! I saw the board! I went to the audition! I got the part!!

Chandler: (angrily) Is that supposed to be funny! I was really worried over here!

Joey: Oh, well I’m uh…

Chandler: Y’know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!

Joey: Oh wow! Okay man, I’m sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad.

Chandler: Well that’s good. Because you didn’t! And I’m incredibly happy for ya!!

Joey: (shocked) That’s mean! You really had me going there!

Chandler: Oh, we could do this all day.

Joey: Yeah, you’re right. Okay look, listen, let’s talk about what a huge star I’m gonna be!

Chandler: You are gonna be a huge star! I’m gonna hug ya!

Joey: You hug me!

Chandler: All right!

[What follows is the final set of flashbacks that feature a whole lot of lovin’ between Chandler and Joey. There’s no words, just hugs and even the kiss from The One With The Monkey. All of this is set to the song, You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me!]

[Cut back to the present, they are still in each other’s embrace.]

Joey: Hey, do we do this too much?

Chandler: I think so. Yeah, get off me.

Joey: Yeah.

(They separate.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]

Joey: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E., I’m not leaving without you! Try routing your backup source through your primary CPU.

Phoebe: (overacting badly) I can’t! My circuits are fried! They’re fried I tell you!!

Joey: Wow! (Back to reading the scene.) Well then I’ll just have to carry you.

(Suddenly Ross jumps up from behind the counter armed with a plastic gun. By the way, he’s overacting too.)

Ross: That’ll be a neat trick, when you’re, (looks at the script) when you’re dead!

Joey: Ross, you don’t have to yell.

Ross: There was just an explosion, okay? My hearing would be impaired.

Phoebe: I thought you were excellent! In fact for a minute there I was like, "Ooh, where’d Ross go?"

Ross: Thank you! And I have to say that first scene when you meet Mac…

Phoebe: Yeah?

Ross: Oh my God. I mean…

Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for today. Thanks for your help! (He grabs their scripts and heads for his room.)

Phoebe: (To Ross) He’s holding us back.

Ross: Totally.

End

The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth’s Dad

Teleplay by: Scott Siveri

Story by: David J. Lagana

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica are there. Rachel is reading everyone’s horoscope.]

Rachel: Okay, Chandler!

Chandler: Okay.

Rachel: And your horoscope says, "On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift."

Chandler: (To Monica) Oh, well thank you in advance. (Kisses her.)

Rachel: Op, but the twelfth brings a lover’s spat.

Monica: (To Chandler) You are going to make a joke about my special present! Why would you do that?!

Rachel: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself.

(Phoebe winks and licks her lips while eyeing Chandler.)

Joey: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!!

Rachel: (ecstatic) Oh my God! It’s Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!!

(Everyone claps and cheers, Joey mimics looking about with a gun.)

Chandler: Oh that’s right. It’s your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?

Joey: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I’ve dreamed about this for years! Why have I not been preparing?!

Phoebe: No! Joey, you’re going to be great!

Joey: But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I don’t know anything about technology! I can’t even use Chandler’s computer except to find porn! And-and that’s only ‘cause it’s right there when you turn it on!

Monica: I think our lover’s spat will start a little early this month.

Phoebe: (in a sexy voice to Chandler) I’ll be waiting.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse. Phoebe is now looking at the covers of two different books.]

Chandler: Are you judging them by their covers? Because you’re really not supposed to do that.

Phoebe: No, I’m just deciding which one to use—I’m gonna start writing another book!

Rachel: Be-because the last one was such a big seller?

Phoebe: Well, if you must know I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one who has read them, I can tell you that they all have been very well received.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Ross: What are you guys doing later?

Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.

Rachel: (To Phoebe) We do?

Phoebe: I want to see what he wants first.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: (continuing) I just found out that Elizabeth’s dad wants to meet me.

Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not Elizabeth’s dad?!

Ross: Come on guys, I-I really want this guy to like me. It-it would really help me out if you guys were here to make me look good.

All: Of course we’ll help! Yeah! We’ll be here!

Ross: Thanks!

Monica: We know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be.

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, it’s the set of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. The producer is showing Joey around the set.]

The Producer: (walking into Mac’s office) So uh, here’s your office set!

Joey: Wow! Huh? (Picks up the phone) Mac Macaveli, Private Investigator!

The Producer: (checking his watch) Let’s get you into wardrobe for a fitting.

Joey: Okay. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot?

The Producer: I’m sorry, why don’t we do that right now? He’s right here. (Points to a guy.)

Joey: Okay.

The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this is…

Joey: Oh wow! He’s so lifelike! (Starts touching the guy’s cheeks) Unbelievable! (He starts tugging on the guy’s ears.

The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.

Joey: (slaps Wayne on his cheek) How do you do there, Wayne? (Backs away.)

The Producer: I’ll let you two guys get acquainted, huh? (Walks away.)

Joey: Okay. Sorry about that…(Mimics that cheek thing he just did.) Uh, so where’s C.H.E.E.S.E.?

Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here. (He puts on his headset, picks up the controller, and wheels C.H.E.E.S.E. in. C.H.E.E.S.E. is just a plain old robot on tracks; he kinda looks like No. 5 in the movie Short Circuit.)

C.H.E.E.S.E.: (Wayne with a computerized voice) Nice to meet you Mac!

Joey: (laughs) This is like the temporary robot, right?

Wayne: No. Why?

Joey: Well, I-I just, I just it was going to be like a really cool robot, y’know? Like the terminator or uh, when I first saw you.

Wayne: I spent two years developing this machine, it’s absolutely state of the art.

Joey: I’m sorry, it just—I don’t know it doesn’t really look like it can do anything.

Wayne: It can do this. (He moves C.H.E.E.S.E.’s arm close to Joey’s special area and he jumps back.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, Die Hard, and Armageddon.]

Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller.

Ross: It-it’s great to meet you Paul.

Paul: I usually prefer Elizabeth’s boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens.

Ross: Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens.

Paul: So Ross, what your problem?

Ross: Eh-wh—Excuse me?

Paul: Why can’t you get a girlfriend your own age?

Ross: That’s funny. Umm…. (Pause, then serious) It’s not funny.

Paul: I don’t like you going out with my daughter Ross.

Ross: Okay. I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think if you give me umm, one chance I can, I can change your mind.

Paul: Okay.

Ross: What?

Paul: Okay. I’ll give you one chance to change my mind. (Ross laughs in relief) You got one minute. (Ross suddenly gets worried.)

Elizabeth: Daddy!

Paul: Fine! Two minutes. Go.

Ross: This is—you—(Ross starts laughing.)

Paul: (laughs then checking his watch) 1 minute 50 seconds.

Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean I’ve been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a student—I mean I not—not it! I mean, I mean I don’t—We haven’t done it. Uh, I mean, I mean, we’ve-we’ve-we’ve done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a joke, a joke—lighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.

Paul: I’m Irish.

Ross: And the Irish guy wins the joke!

(Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe enter.)

Monica: Ross!!

Chandler: Ross!

Monica: How crazy that we’d run into you!

Ross: Oh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens I’d like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.

Phoebe: You’re Elizabeth’s father, huh? I can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness.

Monica: (obviously attracted to him) Is-is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens?

Chandler: There’s a Mr. Bing!

Paul: No, unfortunately Lizzie’s mom passed away shortly after she was born. I raised her by myself.

Phoebe and Monica: (sympathetic) Ohh!

Paul: I get that a lot.

Ross: Okay umm, why don’t we all take a seat, y’know? And uh, and I’ll get us all some uh some coffees—(He goes to pull out Elizabeth’s chair, but Paul steps in)—Yeah, why don’t you. (Paul pulls out her chair) Uh and you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. Y’know? Whatever pops into your head. (He turns his back to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. Then he goes to order the coffee.)

Monica: Y’know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, ‘cause usually he’s got the children’s hospital.

Phoebe: Yeah. Not looking for dates. (Monica turns in horror.)

Elizabeth: So uh, Monica is Ross’s sister.

Monica: And he’s a great brother!

Paul: I had a sister.

Monica: Ohh!

Paul: She passed away.

Monica and Phoebe: (sympathetic) Ohh!

Paul: Oh, you don’t have to do that every time.

Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story… (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isn’t happy.) You’re roommate in college died didn’t he?

Paul: A part of him did yes.

Ross: (returning with the coffee) Okay here we are Paul, Elizabeth. (He sets down their cups.) So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about.

Chandler: Yes, we were just…

(Rachel runs in.)

Rachel: Hi, I’m sorry I’m late but I am ready, ready to talk you up! When does Liz’s father get here?

Paul: I’m already here.

Rachel: Oh! Ross is sooo great!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a package of toilet paper.]

Chandler: Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby.

Monica: No, you said the baby creeps you out.

Chandler: No, the little girl creeps me out.

Monica: You said the baby.

Chandler: Why would the baby creep me out?

Monica: Why would the little girl creep you out?

Phoebe: (writing frantically) You guys, I’m sorry, could you please talk a little slower?

Chandler: This is going in your book?

Phoebe: Yeah, it’s about relationships. Y’know? The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great!

Monica: What?! Excuse me!

Phoebe: And how none of it matters when the people really love each other. (Chandler and Monica kiss.) And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as it’s a compliment.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there alone as Paul enters.]

Rachel: (seeing him) Oh hi!

Paul: Hi! Hi. (He’s looking around.) I think I left my keys here somewhere.

Rachel: Oh! Well let’s look for them. (Finds some under one of the couch cushions. It has a pink, fuzzy ball on the key chain.) Oh-oh-hey! Are these them?

Paul: No.

Rachel: All right! (Throws them back under the cushion.)

Paul: Oh, here they are right here. (Picks them up from underneath the corner of the couch.)

Rachel: Oh good.

Paul: Thanks for your help. (Starts to leave.)

Rachel: (chasing after him) Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul?

Paul: Just call me Paul.

Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy.

Paul: Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of killing him. (Rachel laughs then starts looking at him.) Are you okay?

Rachel: You just don’t look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter.

Paul: Well, we were very young when we had her.

Rachel: Oh. We?

Paul: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to… (He taps his index fingers together.)

Rachel: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I just—I meant y’know are you still a ‘We’ or are you just ‘You?’

Paul: I’m just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born.

Rachel: (sympathetic) Ohh. So you raised her all on your own?

Paul: Yes I did.

Rachel: Ohh. (She touches his arm for support and likes what she feels) Ooh!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is still writing in her book, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: How was your first day?

Joey: Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot.

Chandler: Damn those robots, they’re supposed to be our faithful servants!

Joey: Anyway, it wasn’t the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah, he doesn’t like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich right when I was reaching for one! Ohh!

Phoebe: Well, why don’t you just get him fired?

Joey: I may have to, I hate to do it, but I’m the star! Y’know? There’s a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. (His cell phone rings) Excuse me. (Answers it, on phone) Joey Tribbiani.

Estelle: (on the other end) Joe! I’m glad I found ya, I got an audition for ya!

Joey: Wow!

Estelle: The thing is it’s kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part doesn’t know he might be fired. It’s the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.

Joey: I’m the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!

Estelle: Uh-oh!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul and Rachel making out on the couch.]

Ross: Joey?!

Paul: Hi Ross.

Rachel: I was just getting him to like you.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, scene is continued from earlier.]

Ross: Joey?! Joey!! (He runs into his bedroom.)

Rachel: Ross, Joey is not here.

Ross: Okay, I’ll just wait for him in here!

Rachel: Ross, it’s okay. You can come out.

Paul: Yeah Ross it’s okay, it’s me, Mr. Stevens.

Ross: (coming out of the bedroom) Oh! Oh my God! I didn’t even see you!

Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses her.)

Rachel: Bye!

Paul: I’ll call you later. Bye Ross. (Leaves)

Ross: What-what-what the—how da-how did-what the-how did-what?!

Rachel: Well, y’know he lost his keys so he was looking for them…

Ross: (incredulous) In your mouth?!

Rachel: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking y’know, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.

Ross: You were at the coffeehouse!

Rachel: Ross, what’s the big deal? So I kissed the guy!

Ross: He is my girlfriend’s father, okay? It’s-it’s, it’s weird!

Rachel: Wh—You dated my sister!

Ross: That was different!

Rachel: What? Why?!

Ross: This is weird for me!

Rachel: Ross look, look this is good for you. Okay? Let’s face it, so far the guy’s not lovin’ ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We can all go out to dinner, y’know? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer!

Ross: How is that important?

Rachel: Oh it’s important!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Joey is telling everyone about his impending termination at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]

Joey: Apparently, there’s like a million guys out there that can play Mac, and there’s only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didn’t know he could get me fired! What am I going to do?

Monica: Well y’know Joey, you’re a pretty charming guy.

Joey: Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here.

Monica: No sweetie, you’ve got to win over the guy that controls C.H.E.E.S.E.! You’ve got to kiss some serious robot ass!

Joey: That’s not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I got to turn on the charm tomorrow I’m not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. (Starts to leave, but stops and turns to Phoebe.) Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs. (Exits.)

Chandler: So do you think uh, Joey’s more charming than me?

Monica: Yeah! That’s why I’m sleeping with him on the side.

Chandler: Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.)

Phoebe: (writing in her book) "You wish."

Monica: Phoebe, stop writing about us!

Phoebe: I’m not writing about you! I’m writing about other people.

Chandler: Who?

Phoebe: Marcia and Chester.

Monica: Okay fine! Fine! Then you know what, I’ll just write about Phyllis! Hmm!

Chandler: Hmm.

Monica: (writing on a piece of paper) Phyllis is sitting in a chair.

Chandler: Oh.

Phoebe: I see what you’re doing!

Monica: (still writing) Phyllis sees what I’m doing.

Chandler: Oh-oh.

Phoebe: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is walking up to C.H.E.E.S.E. and Wayne.]

Joey: Morning! Hey, how’s my favorite genius and my little robot buddy?! (Pats C.H.E.E.S.E. on the head.)

Wayne: Don’t touch him!

Joey: Okay! (He yanks his hand away.) All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level with me. Okay? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.’s arm and pulls it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah!! (Wayne is shocked.) Okay, that’s why you didn’t want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? (Hands Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it. Meanwhile Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I can’t believe it! God! (A very beautiful woman walks by.) (To her) Hey, how you doin’? (He and her go over to talk and Wayne looks on with envy.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross and Rachel are on their double date. Rachel is busy talking Ross up.]

Rachel: So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly, offered to take me.

Elizabeth: What a nice story!

Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom.

Rachel: Wow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

Ross: Yeah, take your time.

(Rachel heads for the bathroom.)

Ross: (to Paul) Just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So it wasn’t as bad as-as…

Paul: Ross, look, I know I’ve been giving you a lot of jabs and it’s partly because I’m very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, (pause) many stories that Rachel has told me that, well (pause) you’re not (pause) all bad.

Ross: Not all bad.

Paul: And anyhow, I’m sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand that I (pause) still look at Lizzie like she’s a twelve-year-old girl.

Ross: Yeah. You know what? I know what you mean; I do that too.

Paul: I beg your pardon?

Ross: No! No! Not—I don’t mean I-I see her as a twelve-year-old girl! I mean I-I have a son, who’s umm six and I still think of him as a baby.

Paul: You have a son?

Ross: Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as I’m sure you are with your wife! (Realizes) Oh, I’m sorry! (To Elizabeth) It’s unbelievable!

Paul: Don’t worry about it, I just didn’t realize you were married. (Rachel returns and hears that.)

Rachel: Oh we were, but that was just a (pause as the audience reacts), I mean that was just a big drunken mistake.

Ross: You’re back.

Paul: You two were married?!

Rachel: Oh! Whoops! I’m sorry, you were talking about Emily!

(Ross slams his head down on the table.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are entering and they’re arguing.]

Monica: Chandler, we said we would meet at the coffeehouse at six.

Chandler: We said seven!

Monica: We said six!

Chandler: The only way that I said six would be if the seven’s, let meet at seven, not at six.

Monica: Yeah and if I had seven, maybe I would’ve said something like this, "Wow! My boyfriend’s such a wise ass—seven!"

Phoebe: (Turning around in the chair) Hi!

Chandler: Oh my good God.

Monica: Ugh!

Phoebe: I know what time you said.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: Well actually, I know what time Chester and Marcia said.

Monica: What time?

Phoebe: Quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it’s my book to the rescue, huh? (Reading her book) Ooh, very interesting. Yeah, well this certainly clears things up.

Chandler: (disgusted) What does it say?!

Phoebe: I will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.

Chandler: Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything.

Phoebe: Thanks! So are you.

Chandler: (To Monica) I told you I should not wear this color. (He’s wearing a reddish-orange sweater.)

Phoebe: (reading from her book) Mon… (Pause as she restarts) Marcia and Chester are planning on seeing a movie on Sunday night. Marcia thinks they’re supposed to meet at six, Chester thinks it’s at seven.

Chandler: So you knew we were gonna miss the movie!

Phoebe: That’s right.

Monica: Inside of telling us you decided to write in your stupid book!

Phoebe: (writing in her book) Marcia and Chester are mad at Phyllis.

[Scene: Joey’s Dressing Room, Joey and Chandler are there.]

Joey: I can’t believe I’m going to lose this job!

Chandler: Oh I’m so sorry man! Is there anything I can do?

Joey: Yeah! Help me get this mini-fridge past the security guard.

(There’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Wayne.)

Wayne: Hey Joey, I want to talk to you.

Joey: Yeah? Well, I don’t want to talk to you Wayne! I hate you! You ruined my life! Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler. (They shake hands.)

Chandler: Hi, how are ya?

Wayne: Joey, Joey, I-I-I’ll g-get you your job back if you help me out.

Joey: (incredulous) Why should I help you?!

Chandler: (whispering in Joey’s ear) The reason he just said.

Joey: (happily) What do you need?

Wayne: I-I-I saw you on stage talking to that beautiful woman, y’know Sarah?

Joey: Yeah?

Wayne: I wish I could talk to her.

Joey: What are you in love with her or something?

Wayne: Yeah. Her. All of them. Anyone.

Chandler: Yeah, I’ve been there my friend.

Wayne: Listen, I-I guarantee you keep your job if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do.

Joey: Oh wow Wayne, it’s not really something you can teach y’know? It’s pretty much something you’re born with if you—(Off Chandler’s look)—You-you can teach it! I’ll show you right how to do it.

[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel is still trying to talk up Ross, not to much success.]

Rachel: I mean if you think about it, I mean Ross did learn something from each marriage.

Paul: How to make the next one even shorter?

Rachel: Now wait a minute that’s not fair. He was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he was married to Emily, he just didn’t tell me. (Everyone looks at her, Ross not happily.) Maybe I have to pee again. (Gets up to try to use the bathroom.)

Paul: Well, this is fun. So Ross, did you kill any of these wives?

Ross: Y’know what? I-I-I… I-I have had enough of this! Y’know, I-I-I care a great deal about your daughter and I have treated her with nothing but respect! So if-if you’ve got a problem with me, frankly…

Paul: Are you yelling at me?!

Ross: God no!

Elizabeth: Y’know what daddy? If you don’t like Ross, that’s fine. It doesn’t matter to me, I’m gonna go out with him anyway.

Paul: Really?! (She nods in the affirmative.)

Ross: Well if it doesn’t matter to her, it doesn’t matter to me! (to Paul) Still not yelling!

Paul: Wow. What can I say? (Pause, pointing at Ross) This doesn’t make me like you any better!

Ross: That’s okay, I’m not so crazy about myself right now either.

Paul: Then we agree?

Ross: Uh yeah, I guess—Yeah! I guess so.

Paul: Neither of us like Ross!

Elizabeth: I like Ross.

Ross: Ohhh! Kids!

Rachel: (returning) Wait-wait-wait, I just thought of another story about how nice Ross is!

Ross: That’s okay Rach, we’re not liking Ross right now.

Rachel: Oh! I’ve got a lot of those too!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Mac’s Office, Mac is talking to C.H.E.E.S.E. about their case.]

Joey: Well, it turns out you were right C.H.E.E.S.E.

C.H.E.E.S.E.: The shipment never made it through Omaha?

Joey: You got it! And the rabbi’s beard, 100% horsehair. Nice catch C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Pauses as he waits for C.H.E.E.S.E.’s next line.) It’s your line C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Suddenly C.H.E.E.S.E. goes crazy and starts flinging it’s arms and advancing on Joey behind the desk.) Wayne! Wayne!!

(The camera cuts to Wayne who’s busy making out with Sarah and rubbing C.H.E.E.S.E.’s controller on her back causing C.H.E.E.S.E. to go crazy. Joey starts throwing books at C.H.E.E.S.E. to get him to stop.)

End

The One Where Paul’s The Man

Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer

Story by: Brian Caldirola

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: (dejected) Hi, you guys.

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: What’s the matter?

Phoebe: Well it’s just—it’s one of those situations that I just hate. Y’know? A massage client gave me three tickets to the Helmet-Pelts exhibit at the Morgan Chase museum.

Joey: (nodding knowingly) Now you’re thinking you gotta sleep with him.

Phoebe: No! No! It’s just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us!

Chandler: I’ll give up my ticket.

Joey: Me too.

Phoebe: Okay that’s so generous!

Chandler: And I think Ross is generous too.

Phoebe: Great! Okay then it’s just us girls!

Monica and Rachel: (less than enthused) Great.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: So what-what is the exhibit.

Phoebe: It’s mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed with video games and free sandwiches.

Joey: Oh man! (Hits Chandler)

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey Ross listen Chandler got you out of going to the lesbian sandwich museum this weekend!

Ross: Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I are going out of town.

Monica: Oh that’s great!

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: I mean think about all the money that you’re gonna make!

Ross: Why? What?

Monica: Well, her father pays you for baby-sitting right?

Ross: No, no, that’s funny. But maybe it’s time to move on, let it go, y’know? Stop it! Besides, Rachel is going out with Elizabeth’s father, so ah, he’s much older than she is. Looks like I’m not the only one interested in fossils, huh?

Rachel: I mean Ross all that does is remind us that you are interested in fossils.

Ross: Okay, okay. Uh, well uh, Rachel is going to need to yell sweet nothings (Paul enters) in his ear.

(And walks up right behind Ross, and standard sitcom joke 2B follows with the person being insulted standing right behind the person doing the insulting while the rest of the people become frightened and try to warn the insulter about the insultee’s presence.)

Chandler: Ross.

Ross: Oh, come on you guys; that’s funny! Y’know? Because he’s need—he’s got like a hearing aide y’know, ‘cause-‘cause y’know, ‘cause he’s all old, and…

(Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that he’ll just be one second.)

Paul: Okay look, Ross, just so you know that since Lizzie likes you so much, I’ve decided to accept the fact that you’re going out with her.

Ross: Really? That okay, that’s great.

Paul: Yeah. But then I changed my mind. I’m funny like that. So I told Lizzie, now I’m telling you, I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore.

Ross: All right look, I-I realize it upsets you.

Paul: Yes it does.

Ross: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I don’t think there’s really anything you can do about it.

Paul: I’ll call the university and tell them about your relationship and have you fired.

Ross: Ohh! A man with a plan!

Opening Credits

[Scene: A Dry Cleaners, Joey is there with Phoebe and is trying to get his picture put back amongst the other celebrities hanging on the walls.]

Phoebe: Oh, this is so exciting! You get your picture back up on the wall of fame! Eek!

Joey: I know. It was so cool when I was up there before. Me and Jim Belushi would just be crackin’ up about something… Then I get fired off of Days Of Our Lives and he takes me down. Now he’s just laughing at me. Look at him, that smug Belushi bastard, I’ll…

Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh, okay maybe they put your picture back up they can put you next to Matt Lauer. Look at him, smiling at me. (Giggles) Yeah I know; we’d be great together!

(The dry cleaner finishes with the customer in front of Joey and they approach the counter.)

Joey: Hey! So I’m back.

The Dry Cleaner: Who are you?

Joey: Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! (The dry cleaner doesn’t remember) Okay, maybe this will jog your memory, huh? (Holds his picture up in front of his face.) Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, I’m ready to go back up on the wall I’m the star of a new TV show.

The Dry Cleaner: (picking up a TV Guide) Show me in the table.

Joey: Oh well, it’s not on TV yet.

The Dry Cleaner: Well, then it’s not on the wall yet.

Joey: Okay, fine, I will bring you a tape, huh? (Walks away)

Phoebe: So umm, now do you have any of Matt Lauer’s clothes here? Maybe? Just ones that haven’t been cleaned yet?

(The dry cleaner just stares at her and she retreats.)

[Scene: The Morgan Chase Museum, the girls are entering.]

Monica: Oh, I love museums!

Rachel: Umm.

Monica: Soakin’ up all the culture.

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Where do you want to start?

Rachel: Ooh, the gift shop!

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: Hey, and then lunch.

Rachel: Oh, wait yes, but I can’t eat too much. Paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned.

Phoebe: Oh wow. What, do you think maybe he’s gonna tell you that he’s gay?

Rachel: What?! No! Why?!

Phoebe: No reason! That would just be a really big surprise, right?

(A museum official enters with another man and woman.)

The Museum Official: (to the couple) You can put the aisle over here (points), and put the wedding ceremony right over here. (Points.)

Rachel: I didn’t know you could get married here.

Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I wouldn’t put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there! (Points to both places.) I mean you’d have the ceremony under this big beautiful arch. (The arch at the entrance to the room.)

The Museum Official: (To Monica) May I help you?

Rachel: Oh sorry didn’t mean to interrupt. It’s just such a beautiful space; do you do a lot of weddings here?

The Museum Official: Yes. We’re very popular. There’s a two-year waiting list. Sorry! (She kinda storms out with the couple.)

Rachel: Monica, you should totally put your name down on the list

Monica: What?! Are you crazy?! I’m not getting married! I’m not even engaged.

Phoebe: Yeah, but there’s a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. That’s four years. Chandler’s not gonna wait that long. He’s gonna find somebody else, y’know? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)

Rachel: Yeah hon, it can’t hurt to put your name down! I mean in if two years if you’re not engaged you just don’t use it.

Monica: Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in putting my name down.

Rachel: I’m gonna do it too!

Phoebe: Me too!

Rachel: Really? Who would, who would you marry?

Phoebe: I don’t know, I don’t have anyone right now. Y’know?

Rachel: Oh Pheebs.

Phoebe: Don’t feel too sorry for me. At least my boyfriend isn’t gay.

Monica: Phoebe, that stuff is…

Phoebe: Don’t even get me started on yours!

[Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey is trying to get his picture up again.]

Joey: (entering) Hey! So, did you watch the tape of my show?

The Dry Cleaner: I did.

Joey: All right, let’s get me back up there! (Holds out his picture.)

The Dry Cleaner: No! It don’t go up on the wall!

Joey: What—But you saw the show!

The Dry Cleaner: Yes, it was very offensive to my people!

Joey: Dry cleaners?

The Dry Cleaner: Russians! It showed them as terrorists and villains!

Joey: Okay! Okay, look! You-you-you got Harrison Ford up there!

The Dry Cleaner: That’s right. Mr. Ford is a very good customer, he brings us a lot of clothes; you bring us nothing!

Joey: Okay well that may be true. But, in-in okay, Air Force One the Russians were terrorists! And evil! And plus he kills a bunch of them! That-that-that’s offensive to Russians.

The Dry Cleaner: I’ve never seen it!

Joey: Oh you should, it’s great.

(The Dry Cleaner stares at him and Joey retreats.)

[Scene: A Cabin in the Woods, Elizabeth is giving Ross a tour.]

Ross: This place is really beautiful!

Elizabeth: Yeah, I’ve been coming here since I was a kid. This used to be my Grandma’s.

Ross: Wow! The only thing I got from my Grandmother was her eyes. I mean not-not her actual eyeballs, but, but people say that my eyes—Do-do you want to make out?

Elizabeth: Sure!

(They fall to the couch and start to make out, but Ross stops suddenly.)

Elizabeth: Are you okay? What’s wrong?

Ross: Ehh, I was just, I was just thinking about your father.

Elizabeth: Well, whatever works for ya…

Ross: No. No-no uh, he just, he just really freaked me out before.

Elizabeth: Oh. Well, so we have to hide our relationship from one more person. Big deal. Besides, it’s kinda fun hiding.

Ross: Yeah.

(They start making out again.)

Elizabeth: (quietly) Hey umm, you brought protection right?

Ross: (loudly) Why?! Are there like bears or something?! (Looks around and then sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no and realizes what Elizabeth meant.) Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.

Elizabeth: I’ll just run to the store and get some.

Ross: Oh no! Hey-hey, I’m the guy! I’ll get it.

Elizabeth: Do you know where the store is?

Ross: No.

Elizabeth: Do you want to ride around town on my little pink bicycle?

Ross: A little bit.

Elizabeth: (laughs) I’ll be back in ten minutes.

Ross: Okay.

Elizabeth: Why don’t you get in the hot tub and I’ll meet you there.

Ross: Ohh, okay.

(Elizabeth leaves and Ross starts to remove his clothing right there in the middle of the living room where someone can see him. Of course, someone almost does, but he hears a door opening and…)

Rachel: (from another room) Oh my God, what a great surprise! This is such a beautiful house.

(Ross with his pants around his ankles tries to run, but Dr. Geller forgets that he has his pants around his ankles and falls down trying to flee.)

Paul: (To Rachel) Thank you, it’s my mom’s. So this is the kitchen.

(Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide, but this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of clichéd scriptwriters runs around with his pants down around his ankles like one of the Three Stooges.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is reading the newspaper as the phone rings. He let’s the machine answer it.]

Chandler: (on machine) You’ve reached Monica and Chandler’s, if you’re listening to this message, we’re probably screening. (to himself) Yeah we are.

The Museum Official: (on phone) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I’m calling for Monica Geller. I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she’s still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available… (Chandler runs to answer the phone.)

Chandler: (on phone) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (Listens) Yes, the groom—No! Not the groom!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Paul’s Cabin, Paul and Rachel are sitting on the couch drinking wine and talking.]

Rachel: It’s so secluded up here.

Paul: I know. I like it up here.

Rachel: I feel like we’re the only two people in the world. (She sets down her wine class, picks up a walnut, and knocks another one on the floor.) Oops. Sorry. (She reaches down to pick it up and Ross hands it to her. Ross is hiding under the couch and causes Rachel to scream.)

Paul: What’s the matter honey? Did you see a little mouse?

Rachel: No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I think I-I—would you—actually, would you go check on that?

Paul: Honey, we don’t have any bears here.

Rachel: Well, okay. Would-would you get me a Diet Coke?

Paul: Okay. I’ll be right back. (Gets up and heads for the kitchen.)

Rachel: Okay. (After Paul leaves Rachel drops to the floor to confront Ross.) What?! What are you doing here?!

Ross: What are you doing here?!

Rachel: I came with Paul!

Ross: Yeah, I recognize the ankles!

Rachel: Get up!

Paul: (entering) Here you go honey! (Rachel kicks Ross back under the couch.)

Rachel: Ahh. Thank you!

Paul: Diet Coke. (Hands her the glass.)

Rachel: Op, ice. I need ice.

Paul: Okay.

Rachel: Thank you.

Paul: I’ll be right back. (He goes to get the ice.)

Ross: (under the couch) You and your ice.

Rachel: Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on! (Ross gets up and heads for the kitchen.) No! Not in there! He’s in there! (She points Ross to the door next to the kitchen.)

Ross: (before entering) Did you really hear a bear?

Rachel: Go-go!

Paul: (entering) Here you go honey. One Diet Coke with ice.

Rachel: Ohh, thank you.

Paul: I’m so happy that you’re here.

Elizabeth: (entering) Here I am!

Paul: (jumping up) Elizabeth! Oh look, Elizabeth’s here! Who are you talking to?

Elizabeth: Uh, you guys?

Paul: How did you know we were here?

Elizabeth: Umm…

Rachel: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to the closed garage.

Elizabeth: Obviously.

Paul: Elizabeth, what are you doing here?! (Motions that he brought Rachel here to be alone with her.)

Rachel: Did-did you come up here to work on that term paper or something?

Elizabeth: Yeah! Yep.

Rachel: Well, why do y’know go in that room (points to the room Ross is in) and do your homework?

Elizabeth: Ohh, I wouldn’t do it in there. That’s my dad’s bedroom.

Rachel: That’s your, that’s your dad’s bedroom. (Yelling) That’s your dad’s bedroom!

Paul: Why are you yelling?

Rachel: Whoa, that Diet Coke just went straight to my head! Woo!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table staring at the phone as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hi, honey.

Chandler: (gets up) See you later. (Starts to leave.)

Monica: What? I-I bought groceries, I was gonna make you dinner!

Chandler: (angrily) Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask! (He storms out.)

(Monica puts the groceries down and goes to check the answering machine and hears.)

The Museum Official: (on machine) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I’m calling for Monica Geller.

Monica: Oh no!

The Museum Official: (on machine) I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she’s still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available…

Monica: Oh please, he didn’t hear it! He didn’t hear it!!

Chandler: (on machine) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (The machine beeps off.)

Monica: NOOOO!!!!!!!!

[Scene: The Dry Cleaner’s, Joey has brought in a bunch of laundry in another attempt to get his picture on the wall, but the dry cleaner isn’t working right now. Instead, a beautiful woman is working.]

Female Clerk: Can I help you?

Joey: Uh yeah, where-where’s the guy who decides who’s pictures go up on the wall?

Female Clerk: He’s not here right now.

Joey: Oh, you’re kidding me! All-all right, well make sure you tell him that Joey Tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay? I’m an actor; I’m kinda getting my picture up there on the wall.

Female Clerk: Y’know, there are two people who could put your picture up there. (She makes eyes at him.)

Joey: Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks? (Pause) You’re the other one right? (She thinks about it for a second and nods yes.)

[Scene: Paul’s Cabin, continued from earlier.]

Paul: So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on staying the night?

Elizabeth: Oh no-no believe me, I’m leaving as soon as possible!

Paul: Good. Good. Not that we don’t want you to stay, obviously you’re welcome—How much more homework do you have?

Elizabeth: Ahh, I just have one problem left that I do not know how to solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe you want to come upstairs and help me figure it out?

Rachel: Really? Okay. Okay, I-I’ll go upstairs. (to Paul) If-if you get me something from the car.

Paul: What do you need from the car?

Rachel: Surprise me.

Paul: (whispering) Okay. (Starts for the car.)

Rachel: (yelling) So you’re gonna be in the car, I will be upstairs, and that’s where everybody’s gonna be!

(Rachel and Elizabeth go upstairs. Paul starts for the car, but notices his luggage is still out and decides to take in into the bedroom.)

[Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door as Paul opens the door, trapping Ross behind it. With Paul’s back turned Ross coils up like a snake and slitters underneath the bed.]

Paul: (standing in front of a mirror and to himself) Just relax. Just relax Paul, you’re doing great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he can watch Paul.) She likes you. She… Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Y’know why? Because you’re a (pause) neat guy. (Ross can’t believe what he’s hearing.) You are the man. You are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and looks at his chest.) I still got it. Nice and sexy. You’re just a love machine. (Starts singing) I’m just a love machine and I won’t work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y! (Flexes and grunts loudly.) Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) I’m just a love machine, yeah ba-by! (Grunts again and Ross is stunned.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica rushes in.]

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: Have you seen Chandler?!

Phoebe: No! Why?

Monica: The woman from the museum called and said that there was a cancellation and that we could move up our wedding and Chandler heard! (Phoebe gasps.) I know! How bad is this?!

Phoebe: Well for the regular guy, it’s bad, but Chandler, Oh dear God!

Monica: I know! I know! And he totally freaked out and I can’t find him anywhere!

Phoebe: What are you gonna do?

Monica: Well, I’m never gonna listen to you again, that’s for sure! (Mimicking her.) "Y’know, harm can it do if you go and put your name down?"

Phoebe: Rachel said that!

Monica: Well Rachel’s not here! (Runs out.)

[Scene: The Dry Cleaner’s, Joey and Phoebe are entering to see if his picture is on the wall.]

Phoebe: Oh! Here it is! (Noticing it next to the door.) Ooh, Joey! Why did you sign it, "Son of a bitch?" (Son of a bitch is written across the entire picture.)

Joey: I didn’t do that! Who would’ve done that?!

The Dry Cleaner: (entering) Son of a bitch!

Phoebe: Okay, maybe ask this guy.

The Dry Cleaner: You, get out of my shop!

Phoebe: Well, what did he do?

The Dry Cleaner: He went out with my wife!

Phoebe: Joey!

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-I—Hey! I did not go out with your wife! (The same woman from before enters.) Okay? I went out with her! (Points at her.)

The Dry Cleaner: That’s my wife!!! Get out! (Starts yelling at him in Russian, and I’m betting he’s not saying pleasant things about him.)

Phoebe: Well, we should go.

Joey: Yeah.

[Scene: Paul’s Bedroom, Elizabeth is entering.]

Elizabeth: Ross? Ross?

Ross: Elizabeth! (He opens one of the bed stands that he has curled himself up into.) Okay. Okay. (She helps him out.) I’m gonna go out this window. (Points to the window next to him.) I’ll meet you at the front door. Just tell them you’re going home, okay?

Elizabeth: Okay!

Rachel: (yelling from the living room) Oh wait-wait-wait!! No! Don’t go in there! Don’t go in there! I need another soda!

(Ross frantically starts to open the window as Paul enters and traps him halfway out the window.)

Paul: Ross!

Rachel: Oh my God Ross! What in heaven’s name are you doing here?

Ross: (to Elizabeth) And that is why we cannot see each other anymore.

Paul: Ross. You and I are going to have to have a little talk.

Elizabeth: Daddy!

Paul: You’re next!!

Elizabeth: Okay. I didn’t know he was here. (Runs over to Rachel.)

Paul: Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away from my daughter or I’ll have you fired. What you heard was, "Take my daughter, come up to my country house, and ruin my weekend with Rachel!"

Ross: Okay, please-please Paul, just let me explain…

Paul: No, let me explain! Fired!!

Ross: All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But uh, I want you to know that you and I are not all that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy. (Paul just looks at him.)

Paul: (panicked) What?

Ross: And I too am just a love machine. (Hums a little bit and mimics Paul’s flexing.)

Paul: Ross, let me show you where the guest room is.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is pacing, waiting for Chandler to return. Chandler enters.]

Monica: (going over to him) I’m so sorry. Please, stop freaking out.

Chandler: I’m not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday. (Does one of those Chandler noises.)

Monica: Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean, what’s the harm in that?

Chandler: Right here! (Clucks like a chicken for some reason.)

Monica: Chandler, please don’t think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel…

Chandler: Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way!

Monica: It was a mistake. Please don’t take this to mean anything, because it doesn’t.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yes, if it really doesn’t mean anything, because you know that I’m just not ready…

Monica: I know! I know.

Chandler: Okay. (They hug.)

Monica: I’m gonna go tell Joey that (laughs) that you’re back. I was really worried about you. (Exits.)

Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey, did she buy it?

Chandler: Totally.

Phoebe: So did Heldi show you the place?

Chandler: Yeah, it’s beautiful.

Phoebe: I can’t believe you’re gonna ask Monica to marry you!

Chandler: I know.

(They hug.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is going up to the counter.]

Joey: Hey Gunther.

Gunther: Hey! Take these cappuccinos to table 11 and that guy over there (points) wants the biscotti.

Joey: Oh uh, well I just came in for a cup of coffee to go.

Gunther: Do you still work here?

Joey: No! No, I quit a long time ago. (Pause) Did I forget to you that one? I’m sorry.

Gunther: Oh that’s cool, I was gonna fire you anyway.

Joey: Great! (Takes his coffee and leaves.)

End

The One With The Ring

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is at the sink and Chandler is looking at a ring brochure.]

Chandler: Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I can’t figure this out! It’s so hard! Should I get her a (turning to each page) Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or a—ah-ah! Paper cut!

Phoebe: Now, have you told anyone else?

Chandler: No, I don’t want to tell anybody else because I don’t want Monica to find out.

Phoebe: You told me.

Chandler: Well, it’s because I trust you, you’re one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures.

Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn’t been on the toilet.

Chandler: Me too.

(Joey and Ross enter causing Chandler to quickly hide the brochure behind his back.)

Joey: Hey. (Heads straight for the fridge.)

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! So Chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse?

Chandler: Oh all right.

Phoebe: Yeah, coffeehouse.

Ross: Oh perfect, we were just gonna see if you wanted to go.

Chandler: Oh well, we don’t because we got…the…other pl-place.

(Joey returns with a piece of pizza as Chandler and Phoebe exit.)

Ross: How rude.

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. You wanna bite? (Holds his piece out for him.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: So how are things going with Paul?

Rachel: Good. Although y’know, he-he’s a private guy. Y’know, I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings.

Phoebe: That’s easy! You just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles that won’t open.

Rachel: So what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table?

Phoebe: No that’s what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone.

Paul: (entering) Hi honey.

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Watch this.

Paul: (To Rachel) How are you?

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Okay.

Phoebe: Hi Paul!

Paul: Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: So how are things going with you?

Paul: Can’t complain.

(Phoebe turns to Rachel and mimes remove a lid of a jar. Ross enters and Paul motions for Rachel to leave with him now.)

Paul: (whispering) Come on.

Rachel: Okay. (Gets up and starts to leave with Paul.)

Paul: (To Ross) Hey!

Ross: Hi!

(They shake hands and their lines overlap.)

Paul: Ross!

Ross: Great to see you!

Paul: Good to see you too!

Ross: How you doing?

Paul: Good. Bye! (Starts to leave.)

Ross: Okay! You take care!

(Ross turns his back on Paul and makes a ‘I hate that guy’ face. Paul does the same thing.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, what-what was the deal with you and Chandler blowing us off before?

Phoebe: Yeah! That was so weird, huh?

Ross: Phoebe, why’d you do it?

Phoebe: I didn’t do it! It was Chandler! He’s… He’s mad at you!

Ross: What?! Why?!

Phoebe: Please, I think you know why.

Ross: I can’t think of anything.

Phoebe: Come on Ross, you’re a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.

Ross: Wait a minute, is it because Joey and I didn’t invite him to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago?

Phoebe: Do you think that’s something that he’d be mad at you for?

Ross: I guess it could.

Phoebe: Well then I think that’s it.

Ross: Well, if he’s angry, he really shouldn’t just cover it up. I-I wish he would just tell me the truth.

Phoebe: Oh, if that’s what you want you then you really should run his head under hot water and bang his head against a table.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul and Rachel are getting ready to go out. Paul is entering from the bathroom.]

Paul: Honey I made a reservation at China Garden, is that okay?

Rachel: Yeah that’s great. But first, wait, talk to me, talk to me. Tell me about your day.

Paul: It was fine.

Rachel: Okay. Hey, what are you thinking? What are you thinking right now?

Paul: I’m thinking that you are looking really fine it that dress.

Rachel: Yeah that’s great Paul, but y’know I wanna know what—(Puts her hands on his shoulders)—Wow, those are really great! I just wanna know what, what is behind this-this strong, silent exterior. Y’know they say that still waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours.

Paul: Are you talking about having sex?

Rachel: No Paul, I don’t know anything about you! Y’know, like-like your childhood! Tell me about your childhood!

Paul: Normal.

Rachel: Okay, well then how about puberty! Come on, that’s always a painful time! Y’know your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand in warm water while you’re sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag.

Paul: Nope! That never happened to me!

Rachel: Well, you’re lucky you never met that bitch Sharon Majesky. Anyway, umm… The rest of you life, y’know? Any regrets?

Paul: Nope.

Rachel: All right Paul, I’m not asking for a lot here. Okay? Just give me something. Anything!

Paul: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Paul: Okay.

Rachel: All right.

Paul: When I was six years old.

Rachel: Hm-mmm.

Paul: I wanted a big wheel. And instead my parents got me this little plastic chicken that you hop around on. It was embarrassing; kids made fun of me. That was a pretty tough year.

Rachel: That’s-that’s great! See? I already feel like I know you a little better! Thank you. Okay, come on. Now we can go eat. Let’s go. (Gets up to leave, but Paul doesn’t move.)

Paul: It was horrible. They called me chicken boy.

Rachel: Oh!

[Time Lapse, Paul is now weeping uncontrollably in Rachel’s arms.]

Paul: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasn’t really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little scare right here (points to it) you can see it.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I see the scare. Listen, Paul, I think this is really great that-that y’know, you shared your feelings. It’s really, it’s beautiful, but umm, what do you say we go share some food?

Paul: Oh, I couldn’t eat now.

Rachel: What?! Wait! What are you talking about?! You love their Kung Pao Chicken!

Paul: Chicken? (Pointing to himself.) Chicken boy!

Rachel: My God, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! I wouldn’t do that!

(Paul screams like a chicken and breaks down into tears again.)

[Scene: A Jewelry Shop, Chandler and Phoebe are looking at engagement rings.]

Chandler: Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring store we’ve been too and I can’t find the perfect ring! (Goes over to another display counter and starts pointing at rings.) Ugly ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! (Notices that one of the jewelers is watching him.) It’s a beautiful selection. (The jeweler walks away slowly.)

Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you don’t get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something different. Y’know? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, y’know? Or an engagement tiara? Or—ooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket! (Picks one up from the display in the corner.

Chandler: Y’know, I’m so glad I picked you to help me with this.

Phoebe: Huh? Can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?

Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna stick with the ring. (Goes to another display counter.) Oh, this one’s nice! (Pointing to another ring.) I like this one! Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I see this one?

Phoebe: (coming over after returning the musket) Wait a minute, no, this is, this is the reason you brought me. Okay? I know how to haggle. So let me handle this from here on out.

Male Jeweler: Can I help you?

Chandler: Uh-uh, yes. I would like to see that ring please.

Phoebe: Or not, whatever.

Male Jeweler: This ring is from the 1920s, it’s a one and a half carat diamond with sapphires on either side.

Chandler: Sir, can I ask you to umm, could you…hold out that ring and ask me to marry you?

Male Jeweler: Okay. (Holds out the ring, deadpan.) Will you marry me?

Chandler: (choking up) Oh my God that’s it, that’s the ring! How much is it?

Phoebe: Chandler, I-I will handle this! (To the jeweler) How much is it?

Male Jeweler: 8,600.

Phoebe: We will give you $10.

Male Jeweler: (angrily) Are you interested in this ring?!

Chandler: Yes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000.

Male Jeweler: Okay, I can let it go at eight.

Phoebe: We stand firm at $10.

Male Jeweler: (ignoring her) How would you like to pay?

Chandler: Uh, credit card. (Reaches for it then realizes) Oh no! No-no, but I left my credit card with Joey. (To Phoebe) Okay, I’ll go get it. You guard the ring.

Phoebe: Okay. (To the jeweler) Listen, I’m sorry about before. Do you have anything her for $10.

Male Jeweler: Uh yes, I have these two rather beautiful $5 bills. (Holds them up from his pocket.)

Phoebe: I’ll give you $1 for them.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Joey are there.]

Ross: Hey, remember how Chandler and Phoebe blew us off yesterday?

Joey: No.

Ross: Remember? You-you were eating pizza.

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Okay. Well, apparently Chandler’s angry at us for not getting him a ticket to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago.

Joey: Oh, we’re supposed to just get him a ticket?! That guy is always mooching off of us!

Ross: Yeah! Anyway, I-I still think we should try to patch things up, y’know? Like uh, maybe we could get him to get tickets to another Knicks game and invite him.

Joey: Oh wow that’s a great idea! And I still have his credit card.

Gunther: (handing them the bill) Here you go.

Ross: Oh. (Starts to get his money)

Joey: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. (Hands Gunther Chandler’s card.) Y’know I gotta tell ya, sometimes I just—I don’t get Chandler. Y’know, me and him do stuff all the time without you and you don’t get all upset.

Ross: All the time?

Joey: All the time!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!!

Monica: Still crying?

Rachel: Like a little girl. I know. I know. I know. This is all my fault; I wanted him to open up. But God, I didn’t know that I was gonna unleash this-this weepy, clingy, moist monster!

Monica: Y’know, I only know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.

Rachel: What’s the other one?

Monica: I don’t know, I’ve never had to use the other one. I’m just saying y’know, if we’re having sex, he’s not gonna be talking.

Rachel: Oh that’s right. You’re the talker. (They both reflect on that briefly) Anyway uh, great idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store; I told him that I would buy him some more tissues.

Monica: Oh, we have some…

Rachel: No you don’t!

[Scene: The Jewelry Store, Phoebe is busy trying on virtually everything in the store. She’s got earrings, rings, bracelets, and enough necklaces to put Mr. T to shame on.]

Phoebe: Okay umm, I’d also like to try on the tiara. (The male jeweler hands it to her.) Oh yeah. Okay. (Puts it on.) (To the jeweler) What do you think, too much?

Male Jeweler: A tad.

Phoebe: Okay. Then, take the tiara back and let me hold the musket again. (He hands it to her and Phoebe poses in front of one of those small mirrors.) Something’s missing. It’s not… Okay oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out.

Male Jeweler: (to the female jeweler) Where’s the 1920s princess cut ring.

Female Jeweler: I just sold it to that gentleman. (Points to the one walking out the store.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She runs after him, but sets of the security system, which locks the store’s door and brings down a set of bars behind her, caging her in.) No! What?! Help me! Let me out! Now! (Points the musket at them.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is still crying as Chandler enters.]

Paul: Rachel?

Chandler: No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.)

Paul: (acting manly to try and cover up his crying) Okay. Chandler, did your dad ever hug you?

Chandler: No, did he hug you?!

Paul: No! No! It’s just that, my dad never did. I miss my dad.

Chandler: Well, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads.

Paul: Hey Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah?

Paul: Would you…….Would you hug me?

Chandler: I’m a little busy here Paul.

Paul: That’s exactly what my dad used to say! (Starts to breakdown again.)

Chandler: Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. (Paul rushes over and hugs Chandler tightly.) Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.) Okay. (The hug continues.)

Paul: Five more seconds.

Chandler: Okay! (Pushes him away.)

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Paul: Joey! (Goes over and hugs Joey and picks him off of his feet.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa-hey-hey! (Motions to Chandler, "What’s going on?") Hi, Paul is it? (Paul nods yes and still hugging Joey.)

Chandler: Do you have my credit card?

Joey: Yes, it’s in my… In…in my pocket. (Paul hasn’t dropped him yet.) (Chandler starts to reach for his front pocket.) My back pocket! My back pocket!

Chandler: Thank God! (Grabs his card.)

Joey: Oh hey listen I got us tickets to a Knicks game tonight.

Chandler: Oh, I can’t go.

Joey: Come on! It’ll be fun! Me, you, and Ross, and… Paul probably…

[Scene: The Jewelry Store, Chandler is entering with his credit card and Phoebe is holding out another ring for him.]

Phoebe: Chandler, I found the perfect ring. (Holding it out for her.)

Chandler: Oh, that’s uh, that’s pretty nice but I’m gonna go with the one I picked first.

Phoebe: Oh my God Chandler, the one you picked is gone. It’s over!

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Some guy bought it. I’m sorry. I tired to stop it but they (points to the jeweler) put me in jail!

Chandler: They put you in jail?

Phoebe: The little jail between the doors!

Chandler: Phoebe, I asked you to guard the ring!

Phoebe: I know, I’m sorry! But y’know, this ring is better! Monica never even saw the other ring.

Chandler: Yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps.

Phoebe: Maybe it was the guy.

Chandler: It was the ring!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch and Joey is entering.]

Ross: Hey! So uh, was he excited about the tickets?

Joey: No! He blew us off!

Ross: What?!

Joey: I know!

Ross: I can’t believe it. (Pause) Can I tell you something? I’m a little mad at him now.

Joey: Can I tell you something? Me too.

Ross: Y’know what? He didn’t want to talk to us about being angry, well maybe we don’t talk to him at all!

Joey: Ooooh! Freeze him out.

Ross: That’s right!

Joey: I like it!

Ross: Eh? We’ll show him!

Joey: From now on, it’s gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. (They shake hands.) Okay! We’re gonna be the new Joey and Chandler.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is writing something as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi. I’m back.

Paul: Hey! I have so much more to tell ya, I’ve written it all down!

Rachel: Ah that’s great. No actually that’s… (In a sexy voice) That’s great! That’s really great! Y’know, I gotta tell ya writing, I mean writing, gets me uh, gets me kinda hot.

Paul: Wait! Wait! Listen! Listen to this! (Flips a couple pages and points to something.) Y’know what I wanted to be when I was that age?

Rachel: A lover?

Paul: A surfer.

Rachel: Oh yeah surfer?

Paul: I wanted to be one with the waves, y’know?

Rachel: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, (sits on the counter and buttons her sweater to show some cleavage) get a little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a second, this isn’t too revealing is it?

Paul: (barely glancing at her) No. What ever happened to that little dude. (Pause) So full of dreams…

Rachel: I don’t care about the little dude! I can’t! I cannot listen to anymore of this! Y’know, the only person who would want to listen to this is a mental health professional! And then it’s only because they get paid $100 an hour! Do you know how much money I could’ve made listening to you? $2,000! And do you know when I figured that out? While you were talking!

Paul: What?! I can’t believe you’re trying to stifle me! When just 14 hours ago we figured out that that is exactly what my mother was trying to do to me!

Rachel: Oh… I’m sorry. I… I-I don’t mean—I didn’t mean to stifle you. I… This is all just a little overwhelming.

Paul: Oh Rachel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. It’s just that, when those gates open, you… (Starts to breakdown.) Hard to close ‘em. But they are closed now. Believe me.

Rachel: I’m so glad, I’m so glad you shared. (Feeling his shoulder.) And I’m glad that you’re done. What do you say we umm… (Nods in the direction of the bedroom.)

Paul: I would really like that. (They kiss.)

[Scene: Rachel’s Bedroom, Paul and Rachel are recovering.]

Paul: That was…so good. (Starts crying again.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the ring he bought and not liking it.]

Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey.

Chandler: I can’t believe I let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring!

Phoebe: It’s not a stupid gumball machine looking ring! It’s a beautiful ring!

Chandler: No, it’s not! When I looked at the other ring I could see Monica’s face when I gave it to her, y’know? And I could see her saying yes. When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless I look at it really closely and then I can see my own eye. (Does so and laughs.) Look, this is the most important thing I’m gonna do in my life. I wanna make sure it’s perfect.

Phoebe: Okay. There may be a way that we can get the other ring back. ‘Cause I heard the guy tell the jeweler where he was going to propose. So maybe we can get him to trade rings or something.

Chandler: I can’t do that.

Phoebe: Well you certainly can’t give her that stupid gumball ring.

[Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler and Phoebe are entering. This is the place where the guy who bought Chandler’s ring is going to propose.]

Phoebe: There he is! (Points.)

Chandler: Okay and he hasn’t proposed yet because she has no ring on her finger.

Phoebe: Wow! You’re good! After this, we should solve crimes.

Chandler: Yeah! Okay, go, go, go get him.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks over to him.) Excuse me sir? Could you come with me please? You have a phone call.

Customer: Who is it?

Phoebe: It is your office.

Customer: Do you know who at my office?

Phoebe: John?

Customer: Oh John! Great!

(She brings him over to Chandler.)

Phoebe: (To Chandler) Here he is.

Chandler: (to him) Hi! Hi. Okay, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring you’re about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. So, I’m gonna need to have that back. (The guy isn’t sure.) But, in exchange I’m willing to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring. (Looking at the ring.) Ew.

Phoebe: Wow! I would trade.

Customer: It is beautiful, but I’m gonna use this one. Now, if you’ll excuse me.

Chandler: No-no! This is my fiancee (Phoebe) and her heart was set on that ring. You don’t want to break her heart now do you?

Phoebe: Yeah, do you want to break a dying woman’s heart?

Customer: You’re dying?!

(Phoebe coughs.)

Chandler: Yeah, she’s dying… Of a cough apparently.

Phoebe: Yes, and it is my dying wish to have that ring. See, if I’m not buried with that ring then my spirit is going to wander the nether world for all eternity…

Chandler: (interrupting her) Okay, that’s enough honey!

Customer: I don’t know. (Pause) Let me see the ring.

Chandler: Great! Okay, here. (Holds the ring up for him.)

Customer: (looks at it) All right. (Exchanges rings.)

Chandler: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! (To his girlfriend) And you are about to marry a wonderful man! (She stunned and he’s horrified.) Hey! I’m marrying a dead woman!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are watching TV as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Guys? (They ignore him.) I’ve got something important to tell ya. (Still nothing so he walks over and stands in front of the TV.) Guys? (They lean over to try and watch the TV, Chandler mimics them.) Guys?! (Pause) I’m gonna ask Monica to marry me.

Joey: (To Ross) I think we gotta end the freeze out.

Ross: Wait a minute, is this, is this for real?

Chandler: Yeah, check out the ring. (Shows it to them.)

Joey: Oh my God!!

Ross: So you two are really serious?!

Chandler: Yep, pretty much.

Ross: You-you’re gonna get married?! I mean… We’re gonna be brothers-in-law! (They hug.)

Joey: And-and-and-and-and-and, and we’re gonna be friends again!

Chandler: (goes to hug him and stops short) Heyyyy—What?

Joey: Oh it’s water under the bridge, forget it!

Chandler: Okay! (They hug.) I was gonna wait ‘til uh, it was official y’know? But I got so excited I just had to tell you guys because you’re my best friends.

Joey: I think I’m gonna cry!

Rachel: (who has just entered) Ugh! No more crying! Please! I just dumped one cry baby, I’ll dump you too!

(Ross and Joey urge Chandler to tell Rachel.)

Chandler: I’m gonna ask Monica to marry me.

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh Chandler!! (Hugs him.) You guys are gonna be so happy!

Chandler: I know.

Joey: (holding an empty tissue box) Where’s all the tissues?! (Throws the box down in disgust.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Chandler is showing Rachel the ring.]

Chandler: Check out the ring.

Rachel: (gasps) Nice! One and a half carat easy.

Phoebe: (entering) Hi.

Ross: Hey-hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: What?

Ross: Chandler’s gonna ask Monica to marry him!

Phoebe: Oh I know, I helped pick out the ring.

(Chandler laughs, turns, and sees that Ross and Joey aren’t happy.)

Ross: You told her before you told us?

Chandler: Well, she walked in when I was looking at the ring brochures. You can understand that, right? (Ross and Joey look at each other and go back to watching the game on TV.) Guys? Guys? (Walks in front of them again.)

End

The One With The Proposal

Part I Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri

Part II Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Parts I and II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe his engagement ring again.]

Ross: God that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever!

Rachel: Yeah? Well, you should know. You’ve bought like a billion of ‘em.

Ross: Yeah, you didn’t get one.

Chandler: Okay, well tonight’s the big night.

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?

Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I’m going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I’m just gonna propose.

Rachel: Ohh…

Joey: That sounds perfect!

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: You’re gonna mess it up let me do it.

Chandler: I’m not gonna mess it up.

Phoebe: If she says no, can I have the ring?

Chandler: She’s not gonna say no.

Phoebe: If!

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

(Monica’s entrance makes Phoebe try to hide the ring by putting it in her mouth.)

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: (with her mouthful) Hi Monica.

(Monica goes into her room.)

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Give me it!

Phoebe: It’s gone.

Chandler: Phoebe!

(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: (with his mouthful) Hi Monica.

(She goes into the bathroom.)

Phoebe: (To Chandler) We’re practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and winks at him.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?

Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler can’t go. We’re going to dinner remember?!

Rachel: Oh my God, I’m so sorry.

Monica: What’s the big deal?

Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesn’t remember where we’re going.

Joey: Where are you going?

(Chandler stares at him.)

Rachel: How about you guys? (Points to Phoebe and Joey.)

Phoebe: Open bar?

Rachel: I think so.

Phoebe: I can do that for the kids.

Joey: Hey, y’know what? I’ll come too. I’m making money now; it’s about time I give something back.

Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.

Joey: Okay. Have a benefit.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight?

Ross: Oh no, I have plans with Elizabeth.

Chandler: Oh, so you’re already doing your part for the kids.

Ross: I’m sorry, it’s just one of my last nights together before she leaves for camp—to be a counselor!

Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?

Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn’t agree to that!

Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term thing?

Ross: I don’t know.

Phoebe: Y’know, you are 12 years older than her.

Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?

All: Yeah! Yeah, sort of. I’m sorry.

Ross: Uh-uh—Wow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesn’t really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I’m the one dating Elizabeth, not you!

Joey: That’s not what she said last night. (Ross glares at him.)

Rachel: See? Now, he could date her.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is practicing proposing.]

Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) What’s going on little elves?

Joey: It’s the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck!

Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring?

Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh! Oop! (Hands him back the ring.)

Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she’s gonna know.

Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!

(Monica enters from the bedroom.)

Monica: Hi guys.

Chandler: (To Monica) You are beautiful.

Monica: Oh, thank you! (The gang exhibits signs of quiet apprehension and wears knowing glances.) (Monica giggles.) What’s going on?

Rachel: (breaking up) We’re just really…very excited about this charity event that we have to go to.

[Scene: The Charity Event, they’re holding a silent auction, Rachel is looking at one of the items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass of wine.]

Phoebe: Here.

Rachel: Oh! Thank you!

Phoebe: So now what’s going on here?

Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.

Phoebe: No, I know what a silent is I meant, what’s going on with your hair?

Rachel: (suddenly worried) Uh, wh-why?

Phoebe: No! It’s nice!

(Rachel’s boss, Mr. Thompson walks up.)

Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you Rachel.

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Mr. Thompson: So glad you brought someone.

Rachel: Someone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. (She introduces them.) He’s the head of my department.

Phoebe: Oh, hi. (They shake hands.)

Rachel: And I also brought my friend Joey…

Joey: (behind them) Oh!! Shrimp toast! (Walks right past the little group on his way for the shrimp toast.)

Rachel: Well, y’know I-I don’t know where he is.

Mr. Thompson: Well, I hope you’re gonna bid on some things Rachel.

Rachel: Well, y’know what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris.

Mr. Thompson: Ohh, nice choice.

Rachel: Yeah.

Mr. Thompson: Good luck.

Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after he’s left.) Okay, (writing her bid down) twenty dollars.

[Scene: Elizabeth’s Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.]

{Transcriber’s Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So I’m just gonna guess since it doesn’t matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got it right or not?)}

Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!! (Runs over and closes the door.)

Ross: What’s-what’s going on?

Elizabeth: The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us.

Ross: Oh, you have to call the police! That’s what I did to the kids in my building!

Elizabeth: No, it’s a water balloon fight! We started it!

Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it’s supposed to be excellent. The director is the same…

Elizabeth: (ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?

Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.)

Elizabeth: (To Ross) You want some?! (Starts to squirt the Kamikaze at him.)

Ross: No! Okay! Okay! (Stops her.) Okay, look, can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second?

Elizabeth: Yeah, sure.

Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? It’s-it’s gotten great reviews! Y’know the uh…

(Suddenly the door opens and two guys come rushing in wielding water balloons.)

First Dorm Guy: Attack!

(They start lobbing the balloons in. Ross desperately tries to get out of the line of fire but is struck in the back. The girls all retreat to relative safety behind the couch.)

Second Dorm Guy: Put your balloons down!

The Girls: You put your balloons down!!

First Dorm Guy: You put your balloons down!!

(Both opposing camps start screaming at each other to drop their weapons and surrender. Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.)

Ross: (screaming) Everybody put their balloons down!!! (There is a temporary cease fire.) Now this is a nice suit!! (Shows everyone where he was hit.)

[Scene: The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is announcing the winners of the silent auction.]

Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. (Pause.) It goes to Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300.

Rachel: Ugh! So close!

(Phoebe returns a with a tray full of different kinds of drinks.)

Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: I got me some drinks!

Rachel: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Open bar!

Rachel: Well now it’s an empty bar.

Phoebe: You just can’t stand anyone else enjoying themselves can’t you?

Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentleman’s day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.)

Joey: I won! That was my guess!

Rachel: What?! What?! What?!

Joey: I guessed 20,000!

Rachel: Joey! It is an auction! You don’t guess, you buy!

Joey: What?! I don’t have 20,000!

Mr. Thompson: Congratulations on your new boat, Joey Tribbiani!!

(Everyone applauds and he stands up slowly.)

Rachel: Joey! Sit down! (Pulls him down.)

Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.]

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what he’s looking for and sighs in relief.]

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It’s a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)

Monica: Are you okay?

Chandler: Yes! Yes! I’m good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything—are you—are you perrr-perfect?!

Monica: Yeah. I’m okay. I’m actually—I’m a little cold, can I have your jacket?

Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you can’t have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should’ve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?

Monica: (laughs) Are you sure you’re okay?

Chandler: Yes! I’m fine. In fact I’ve been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.

Monica: Ohh that’s sweet!

Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn’t imagine growing old with…

(As he’s talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Let’s see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)

Monica: (interrupting him) Oh my God!

Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.

Monica: Oh my God, Richard. (Yep, Richard’s back.)

Chandler: What?! I’m Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, that’s Richard!

Monica: Oh God, maybe he won’t see us. Richard!

(Monica smiles then acts shocked. Chandler can’t believe she just did that.)

Richard: (approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler!

Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I don’t know why I did that!

Monica: Hey, it’s good to see you!

Richard: You too, you let uh, your hair grow long.

Monica: Yeah—Oh that’s right. You, you always wanted me too. Hey, I see you got your mustache back.

Richard: Well, my nose got lonely.

Chandler: (to Richard’s date) And uh, you don’t have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) I’m Chandler; I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.

Richard’s Date: Hi, I’m Lisa.

Chandler: Hi.

Richard: Oh, I’m sorry. (Introduces them.) Lisa, (nodding at each) Monica, Chandler. We used to date.

Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again.

Monica: Chandler, wh-why don’t we sit down?

Chandler: Yeah, I’ll sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)

Monica: (to Richard) It’s good to see you

Matire'd: (to Richard) You’re table’s ready sir.

Richard: Oh. Good to see you guys.

Chandler: Yes. (Thinking he’s gone.)

Matire'd: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandler’s) Or if you prefer, this table is available.

Richard: That might be fun. (Richard and Lisa sit down.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting at their table.]

Rachel: What were you thinking?!

Joey: I didn’t know it was an auction!

Rachel: Wh?!

Joey: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat!

Rachel: Why would a charity give away a free boat?!

Joey: I don’t know! Charity?

Rachel: Ugh!

Phoebe: Well, just buy the damn boat! (She’s still working her way through her tray of booze.)

Rachel: Phoebe, don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink?

Phoebe: I’m just helping the kids!

Rachel: How is you drinking helping the kids?

Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.

Mr. Thompson: (approaching) Mr. Tribbiani.

Joey: Oh hi!

Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center.

Joey: Just out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth?

Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000

Joey: (To Rachel) Hey, I was pretty close. (She just glares at him.) Uhh, so bad news. Umm, I can’t buy the boat, I don’t have any money.

(Mr. Thompson looks shocked and at Rachel, she suddenly starts laughing.)

Rachel: Joey! Joey, good one! (Mr. Thompson starts to laugh.)

Mr. Thompson: That’s good. Very good! (Walks away.)

(After he’s left, Rachel stops laughing and glares at Joey again.)

Joey: So uh listen, I think I’m gonna take off now. (Starts to get up.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Hey! You…can’t…leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!

Joey: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don’t have that kind of money!

Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what we’re gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you’re just gonna pay the difference.

Joey: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Joey: Look, I don’t know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Y’know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!

Rachel: Not great.

[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandler’s and Richard and Lisa’s tables have been pushed together and they’re all eating and talking.]

Monica: And so, we’re hiding in the bathroom.

Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in.

Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know they’re going at it right on the bathroom floor.

Lisa: (laughing) Oh my God!

{Transcriber’s Note: For further reading on the above story, please check out The One Where Joey Moves Out.}

Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.

(An awkward silence ensues.)

Richard: It’s so great seeing you guys again. I’d like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, "In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds it’s morning and is refreshed."

Monica: Ohh.

Chandler: What?!

(They all drink.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.]

Ross: Oh my God, you guys!! (He’s excited about what he thought happened.)

Chandler: (stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!

Ross: Who?

Chandler: Richard!

Ross: What? (Excited) A-ohh! (Realizes) Ohh. Oh that’s right that’s right. That’s Richard’s favorite place too.

Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good!

Monica: I thought you were going out with Elizabeth.

Ross: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.

Monica: Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can’t get out of!

Ross: Y’know, maybe she is too young for me. Y’know, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don’t know what to do.

Monica: Why don’t you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean that’s what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.

Ross: Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, I’m-I’m 12 years older than she is.

Monica: If the school finds out you’re fired.

Ross: Hmm.

Monica: She’s leaving for three months.

Chandler: For camp!

Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well she’s-she’s sweet and pretty and…

Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn’t you?!

Ross: No! No! I…didn’t do that. It’s just… Okay, honestly no. I don’t, I don’t see a big future with her.

Monica: Okay well I think…that’s your answer.

Ross: I’ve got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.

Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you’re not careful you may not get married at all this year!

[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table as Joey approaches.]

Joey: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one.

Rachel: Oh great!

Joey: (To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four.

Phoebe: Oh, okay.

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip?

Phoebe: It’s a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy she’s wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?

Emil Alexander: That was me.

Phoebe: Oh, en chante. (She holds out her hand for him to kiss it, but he only shakes it.)

{Transcriber’s Note: Please correct my French here.}

[Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.]

Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?

Mr. Bowmont: That’s me.

Joey: Ahh, yes. (Pushes Rachel in front of himself so that she could do the talking.)

Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.

Joey: You-you have to pay that! It’s not just a guess.

Rachel: (To Joey) Okay. Okay. (Shushes him.)

Mr. Bowmont: I was actually relieved uh I didn’t win the boat. My wife would’ve killed me.

Rachel: Ohh…

Joey: Are you kidding me?! She’s gonna this boat!

Rachel: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wife’s name?

Mr. Bowmont: It’s Pam.

Rachel: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this, "The Pam."

Joey: Aw-awww!

Mr. Bowmont: I don’t think she’d like that.

Rachel: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, "The Mr. Bowmont."

Joey: Oooooh…

Mr. Bowmont: I don’t think so dear.

Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin’ sail up the Hudson! You’ve got the wind in your h—(sees that he’s bald)—arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you’ve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin’! You can—ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you’re old, Cappy.

Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, it’s for a good cause! All right!

Joey: No way! It’s mine!!

Rachel: (To Joey) What?! What?!

Joey: All that stuff you just said? I want that!

Rachel: But Joey you don’t have $20,000!

Joey: Who cares?! I-I’ll make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]

Joey: Oh my God, you’re back!

Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is frantically trying to wave them off.)

Monica: Why do you want to see my hand?

Phoebe: I wanna see what’s in your hand. I wanna see the trash.

Joey: Yeah.

(Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.)

Phoebe: Eww! Oh, it’s all dirty. You should throw this out.

Monica: (suspiciously) Okay. (Exits to carry out Phoebe’s wishes.)

Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!

Phoebe: What happened?

Chandler: Richard was there so I couldn’t do it!

Joey: What?! Noooo… (Phoebe gasps.)

Chandler: I’m gonna do it tomorrow y’know, and-and surprise her, but now you’ve ruined it!

Joey: We didn’t ruin it!

Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a person’s hands?!

Phoebe: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor…

Joey: Glove salesman!

Phoebe: Good one! Yeah.

Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do?

Phoebe: Look, she only suspects something okay? She doesn’t know for sure, so just throw her off the track.

Chandler: That’s right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.

Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that you’re scared of commitment! Convince her that you’re a little coward!

Chandler: I can do that, I’ve had 30 years of practice.

Joey: Hey, being you is finally gonna pay off! (They give each other fives.)

Monica: (entering) I had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes!

Joey: That guy’s still doing that?!

Rachel: (entering) Hey! (Sees Monica, gasps, and runs over to her.) Oh my God you’re here, let me see your hand!!

Phoebe: No, you’re too late!!! She already took out the trash!!!

[Scene: Outside of Elizabeth’s dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts.]

Ross: (in his head) Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didn’t seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake?

Elizabeth: (sticking her head out her window) Ross! Wait!

Ross: Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about…

Elizabeth: You suck!!

Ross: What?!

(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.)

Ross: Okay, break-up’s still on!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]

Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn’t want to get married?

Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before.

Monica: (entering) Hi guys!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: What are you up too?

Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin’ about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.

Joey: (laughs) Yeah, Big Brother.

Monica: Well that’s a little crazy. Although I am y’know glad to hear that you’re branching out on what you look at on the Internet.

Chandler: Yeah, well… Y’know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?

Monica: Why?! To celebrate your relationship! To solidify your commitment! To declare your love for one another to the world!

Chandler: Eh…

Monica: Okay well that’s good to know.

(We hear the backup horn of a truck and see through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has arrived.)

Joey: (all excited) The Mr. Bowmont’s here!!! (Jumps over the back off the couch and runs out into the street.)

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant’s kitchen, she’s cooking as a waitress sticks her head in.]

Waitress: Hey Monica, there’s a customer who wants to complement the chef, should I let him in?

Monica: Sure, I love this part! (Starts to look busy.)

Waitress: (to the customer) Come on in.

(The customer turns out to be…)

Richard: Hi!

Monica: Richard!

Richard: Actually, I’m not here to complement the chef.

Monica: Ohh… Oh, that’s okay I hate when people come back to complement the chef. Like I have nothing better to do! So what’s up?

Richard: Well, it was great seeing you the other night.

Monica: Oh, good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that?

Richard: No! I came here to tell you something else. (Pause) I came here (Pause) to tell you I still love you.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant, continued from earlier.]

Monica: What uh—What did you—What?!

Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldn’t even be here telling you this, I mean you’re with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say he’s straight I’ll believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didn’t tell ya I’d regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.

Monica: Y’know you’re really not supposed to be back here!

Richard: Well yeah, I’m sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.

Monica: Oh God… (Starts looking around.) Why don’t they put chairs back here?!

Richard: I know this is crazy but am I too late?

Monica: What the… Yes you’re too late! Where was all this three years ago?!

Richard: Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! Y’know after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head!

Monica: What were you doing in Africa?

Richard: Working with blind kids.

Monica: Ohhh! What are you doing to me?! Oh look, I-I… I’m sorry but umm, this-this-this-this is not going to happen.

Richard: Okay that’s fine, I’ll walk away. And I’ll never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandler’s willing to give you everything I am.

Monica: Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in fact, I’m the one that’s making him wait!

Richard: You are?

Monica: Yeah!

Richard: Why?

Monica: Why? Because of the government.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is bringing Phoebe some coffee.]

Rachel: Isn’t it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin’ married.

Phoebe: I know, they’re gonna be so happy together.

Rachel: Ohh… I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen?

Phoebe: Not that often!

Rachel: No! I’m so happy for them!

Phoebe: Me too! So happy for them!

Rachel: I’m so happy and not at all jealous.

Phoebe: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous!

(They both take a drink of coffee.)

Rachel: I mean I’m probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what’s 2%? That’s nothing.

Phoebe: Totally. I’m like 90/10.

Rachel: Yeah me too.

(Joey enters looking like Captain Stubing from the Love Boat.)

Joey: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler?

Rachel: (staring at him) Wh—no, but y’know who did stop in here looking for ya, Tennille.

[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]

Monica: So that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don’t really believe that do you?

Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let’s take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs don’t mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that’s just an ordinary pig not even a pig that’s good at sports!

Monica: Yeah, but that’s pigs not people!

Chandler: If marriage worked, I’d be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.

Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never want to get married?

Chandler: Well, never say never but y’know probably uh yeah, never.

Monica: Oh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?!

Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don’t you put down your copy of ‘The Rules’ huh mantrap?!

Monica: Y’know what?! I gotta go! Ugh!

(She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)

Chandler: (to them) It’s okay, I got a plan.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still talking.]

Rachel: We’re gonna find love!

Phoebe: Definitely!

Rachel: Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that. That’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well y’know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they’re 40, they marry each other.

Phoebe: You mean a backup?

Rachel: Exactly!

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah I got that.

Rachel: You do?

Phoebe: Hm-mmm.

Rachel: Who?

Phoebe: Joey.

Rachel: Joey?!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: Are you serious?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him years ago!

Rachel: Wh… So… If neither of you are married by the time you’re 40, you’re gonna marry Joey.

Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.

Rachel: Oh, seriously?

Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were… (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)

Rachel: Charming.

Phoebe: Well hey, it’s just a backup.

Rachel: Yeah.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters.]

Joey: Hey Monica!

Monica: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?

Joey: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh?

Monica: Yeah, it’s great.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, what’s the matter?! Talk to the captain!

Monica: I’m just having one of those days where you realize you’re in a dead-end relationship!

Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?

Monica: It’s not like I want to get married tomorrow! It’s just that I-I’d like to believe that I’m in a relationship that’s actually going somewhere, that I’m not just wasting my time!

Joey: Well, you know Chandler.

Monica: No I don’t know Chandler! Not anymore! It’s like it’s like something’s changed.

Joey: Maybe you changed?

Monica: I didn’t change!

Joey: Maybe that’s the problem.

Monica: What?!

Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.

Monica: Is that some kind of boat talk?

Joey: I don’t know! (All excited) I haven’t totally decided how to talk on my boat yet.

Monica: What does he think? Does he think I’m just gonna wait around for nothing?

Joey: Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be!

Monica: (starts for the door) Well there’s some people who do want to marry me.

Joey: There are?

Monica: Yeah! Richard!

Joey: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! (Monica nods yes.) And-and Chandler’s tellin’ ya how much he hates marriage?!

Monica: That’s right.

Joey: Chandler loves marriage!!

Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that he’s a-a complex fellow who’s unlikely to take a wife! That-that he’s against marriage and always will be!

Joey: You got that from what I said?!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is watching a show about the extinction of the dinosaurs.]

Narrator: When the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone.

Ross: What happened you guys?

(There’s a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off, and answers it.)

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: Hey you!

Ross: Hey, come on in.

Rachel: Oh thank you. Hey y’know, I’m so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.

Ross: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we’d be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Rachel: Yeah, love. It’s a tricky business isn’t it?

Ross: I guess so.

Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we’re 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we’ve-we’ve already slept together so y’know there’ll be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, "What’s that?!"

Ross: Right. Ohh! You-you want me to be your backup.

Rachel: Exactly.

Ross: Ohh, yeah I already have one.

Rachel: What? Who?

Ross: Phoebe.

Rachel: Phoebe?! Wait a—but-but she just, she said that Joey was her backup.

Ross: Ohh, I don’t think so.

Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!

Ross: That’s impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is entering to find Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, on the phone.]

Joey: Where the hell have you been?!

Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor.

Joey: Richard told Monica he wants to marry her!

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Yeah! Yeah, I’ve been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes wouldn’t keep flying off!

Chandler: My—Oh my God!

Joey: I know! They suck!!

Chandler: He’s not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I’m supposed to do that!

Joey: I know!

Chandler: Well what… Y’know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go over there; I’m gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!

Joey: Look, Chandler I don’t think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!

Chandler: You’re right.

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) I’m gonna get the ring! I’m gonna get the ring! (Does so) I’m gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) I’m just going to propose!

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: Okay great.

Joey: Dude-dude-dude!

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Let me know about that coconut phone, it might great for the boat.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, he’s smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal…]

Monica: Hi.

Richard: Hi.

Monica: I don’t know why I’m here.

Richard: I didn’t ask. You wanna come in?

Monica: I don’t know.

Richard: Oh, okay. Well, I’ll just leave the door open and go sit on the couch. (Does so.)

Monica: (entering) Chandler is such an idiot!

Richard: (standing up quickly) Drink?

Monica: Yeah, I’ll have a scotch…

Richard: …on the rocks with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.)

Monica: (moving over to the couch) Still smoking cigars?

Richard: Uh, no! No! That’s…art! If it bothers you I can put my art out.

Monica: No that’s, that’s okay.

Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question. Y’know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?

Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.

Richard: Oh really?

Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don’t like my new eye doctor.

Richard: Who is it?

Monica: Edward Nevski?

Richard: Yeah he’s no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye doctor way?

Monica: No.

Richard: Ahh.

Monica: But getting over was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.

(Richard mouths, "Wow!")

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups!

Phoebe: Of course I can! It’s just good sense to backup your backup! Look, I’ve already lost Chandler!

Rachel: What?!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Phoebe! We’re both (points at Ross and himself) your backup?!

Ross: Phoebe, how could you do this to me?!

Phoebe: I don’t—Look I don’t know what you’re complaining about now? You were both aware of the situation!

(At the same time.)

Joey: No we weren’t!

Ross: I was not!

Phoebe: Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we’re married!

Rachel: Phoebe you can’t have both of them! You have to pick one!

Joey: Pick me!!

Ross: No! Pick me! I don’t want to end up an old maid!

Phoebe: All right well let’s see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat—This is hard!

Joey: This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to Rachel!

Ross: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!

(Rachel gets all happy.)

Phoebe: No wait! Just—Okay—Just wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Don’t make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week.

Rachel: Oh God, Phoebe!

Phoebe: (To Rachel) I’m talking about massages.

Rachel: Oh.

(She turns her head away and when she’s not looking, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths, "No, I’m not." Both Joey and Ross smile, look at each other, and then stop smiling.)

Rachel: Okay, y’know what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what we’re gonna do! I’m gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so) and I’m gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?

Joey: Okay that’s fair.

Ross: All right.

Phoebe: Good!

(Rachel mixes them up in her hands, moves them all around, and puts her hands behind her back.)

Rachel: Pick one.

Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.

Rachel: You’re welcome.

Phoebe: (reading) Ross!

Rachel: (reading) Joey! (Pause) We should just switch.

Phoebe: Yeah absolutely! (They both switch.)

Joey: Yeah.

[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, Monica is looking around and notices an African mask hanging on the wall.]

Monica: (to the mask) I missed you-you ugly, flat faced old freak!

Richard: Excuse me?

Monica: Oh! (Laughs and points at the mask.) Him.

Richard: Oh. (Laughs.) Whew!

Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-up’s apartment! Y’know, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!

Richard: Yeah! You’re saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache.

Monica: Y’know, let’s face it, I’m not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don’t want that!

Richard: I think that’s fair.

Monica: Fair? Please don’t even talk to me about fair! Fair would’ve been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would’ve been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

Richard: It’s okay! Shh! Hey. Hey. (Hugs her) Shhhh.

Monica: Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I don’t kn—Umm. I don’t know. Umm…

Richard: I know. (Backs away.)

Monica: Y’know, I-I… I have to figure…some st—Y’know, some stuff before I can…

Richard: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. (Pause) Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. I’ll be here. Not smoking. (Monica leaves.)

[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.]

Richard: Chandler.

Chandler: Where is she? I’m not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)

Richard: She’s not here and please come in.

Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!

Richard: Okay, she was here, but she left.

Chandler: Well where did she go?

Richard: Well she said she had to think things over.

Chandler: Oh my God, I can’t believe this! Y’know, I thought…I thought you were a good guy.

Richard: Oh, hey look nothing happened.

Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn’t tell my girlfriend that you love her?

Richard: Well all right, one thing happened?

Chandler: Y’know what? I can’t believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!

Richard: Well I’m sorry.

Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her!

Richard: Well, apparently I’m willing to offer her things that you are not.

Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, y’know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she’d be surprised!

Richard: Well if it helps, it worked very well.

Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn’t fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.

Richard: You were gonna propose? (Sits on the arm of the couch.)

Chandler: Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?

Richard: No I don’t have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don’t let her go. Trust me.

Chandler: Y’know Richard…you are a good guy.

Richard: I know. (Pause) I hate that!

(Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the door closes behind him he opens it, runs back in, picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him, and runs back out.)

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]

Joey: Dude!

Chandler: I can’t talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!

Joey: She’s gone.

Chandler: What?

Joey: She’s gone. She had a bag and she left.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Joey: She was all crying. She-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think.

Chandler: Well why didn’t you stop her?! Why didn’t you just tell her it was a plan?!

Joey: I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn’t believe me.

Chandler: Well where… Where did she go?

Joey: To her parent’s I think and she said you shouldn’t call her. But if I were you I would.

Chandler: I can’t believe I ruined this.

Joey: I am so sorry man.

(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.

(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)

Chandler: Oh my God.

(Monica gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!

Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought… (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?

Monica: Yes.

(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)

Monica: I knew you were likely to take a wife!

(They hug again.)

Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here!

Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We’re engaged!!!

(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)

Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous I’ve ever been!

Phoebe: Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isn’t here!

Monica: Oh…

Rachel: Oh hell, he’s done this three times! He knows what its about!

Joey: Yeah!

(They all hug again.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, it’s just Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton. And you can buy that album from the CFSI, just click on the CDNow link.]

End

The One With Monica’s Thunder

Teleplay by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman

Story by: Wil Calhoun

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey, what’s going on?

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: I found a note on my door, "Come to Monica’s quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar."

Joey: (grabbing the candy bar) Yeah I’ll take that.

Ross: What’s up?

Chandler: Monica and I are engaged.

Ross: Oh my God. (Hugs Chandler.) Congratulations.

Chandler: Thanks.

Ross: Where is she?

[Cut to Monica out on the balcony.]

Monica: (yelling at the top of her lungs) I’m engaged!!!!!! I’m engaged!!!!

[Cut back inside.]

Joey: Yeah, she’s been out there for twenty minutes, I’m surprised you didn’t hear her on the way over.

Ross: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "I’m gay! I’m gay!" Can I bring her in?

Phoebe: Oh no, let her stay out there. It’s sweet.

[Cut to Monica.]

Monica: I’m getting married!!!! I’m gonna be a bride!!!! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will not shut up because I’m engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why don’t you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancee will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20!

[Cut back inside.]

Chandler: (To Ross) Okay, you get her in here. (To Joey) You bolt the door. I’ll be in the closet.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.]

Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! (Bangs on her class with a spoon to make a toast.) Okay, umm, I just wanna say that…I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night. (Chandler clears his throat.) Our special night. I mean it just wouldn’t be my—our-our night, if you all weren’t here to celebrate with me—us—Damnit!

Chandler: It’s okay, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.) To Monica.

Monica: Awww, come on—wait—stop it. Okay, to Monica.

Chandler: To Monica!

(They all say to Monica, clink their glasses, and drink.)

Phoebe: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, y’know, I’m kinda musical.

Rachel: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt she’s even had time to…

Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?

Rachel: (To Monica) Yeah, you’re on your own.

Monica: Y’know what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at The Plaza.

(They all agree and start to go and get ready.)

Joey: But I-I-I can’t stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I’m supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.) What?

Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986?

Joey: You guys don’t think I look 19?

(A brief silence ensues.)

Phoebe: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90!

(They all politely laugh and stop just as quickly.)

Monica: Okay everybody, let’s go! Let’s go!

Rachel: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

(They all leave and Joey comes back in quickly.)

Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?

Phoebe: Oh honey no, you ate it all.

Joey: I was afraid of that.

(Walks out and after he closes the door Phoebe turns around and takes a bite out of what is left of his candy bar.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they’re getting ready.]

Monica: (looking at her hand) Y’know what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) You’re not getting dressed. (Chandler quietly folds over the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.)

Chandler: Know what I mean?

Monica: Yeah, but I don’t think we have time.

Chandler: There’s gonna be a wedding. You’re gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.

Monica: (lustily) Let’s do it! (She kisses him and they fall back onto the bed.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and slowly walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look on his face.]

Monica: (chasing after him) Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don’t worry about it!

Chandler: (motioning with his hands) I’m not worried, I’m uh, I’m fascinated. Y’know it’s like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her room with her guitar.)

Phoebe: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when the guests are coming in. Okay. (Singing)

"First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay.

But here I am singing on his wedding day!"

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: If you would’ve let me finish, it goes on to say that he’s probably not gay.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is looking at the foosball table.]

Chandler: Sure, you guys don’t have this problem, you’re made of wood. (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Chandler: You look great!

Rachel: (quietly) Oh, thanks.

Chandler: You okay over there?

Rachel: I don’t know, y’know? I feel a little umm… No, y’know what? Nevermind, I’m gonna be fine.

Chandler: Oh, don’t worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody.

[Rachel exits into the hallway just as Ross is coming up the stairs.]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Wow! Happy Monica’s night!

Rachel: Well thank you, you too.

Ross: Thanks.

Rachel: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting married?

Ross: Well sure. But I get married all the time so…

Rachel: Ohh…

Ross: You okay?

Rachel: Yeah, I guess. I-I… I mean, do-do you think we’re ever gonna have that?

Ross: You mean, we—you and me?

Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone.

Ross: Oh good, you scared me for a minute.

Rachel: Shake it off.

Ross: I mean—no, it’s just ‘cause, it’s just ’cause you and I were like a nightmare. (Screams.) No, but there was some good times.

Rachel: No, absolutely. Y’know like it was umm…

Ross: Surely you can think of something good.

Rachel: Yeah, just give me a minute! (Thinking) Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff.

Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh?

Rachel: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands.

Ross: My hands?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Ross: (to his hands) Way to go guys. Y’know, you-you were really good at the stuff too.

Rachel: Oh, I know. Hey, y’know what we never did? (Ross looks at her.) Oh no, not that. (Ross nods okay.) We uh, we never had bonus night!

Ross: A what?

Rachel: Y’know, bonus night. Y’know, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night.

Ross: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached?

Rachel: Yeah-yeah, we never had that,

Ross: No.

[Silence.]

Ross: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean, I’m-I’m sure it would be amazing but I…gotta say I really-really don’t think it would be a good idea. Y’know? I really, really…don’t.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing Playstation, Crash Team Racing to be exact (he’s in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact) as Joey enters from his room desperately trying to look like a 19-year-old. He’s got the wool cap, he’s got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded T-shirt, and he’s got the whole pants-around-the-knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich, white, suburban kids have adopted in a desperate and extremely futile attempt to try to look like they’re from the inner-city.]

Joey: ‘Sup? ‘Sup dude?

Chandler: (putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please don’t hurt me.

Joey: So you’re playing a little Playstation, huh? That’s whack! Playstation is whack! ‘Sup with the whack Playstation, ‘sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!

Chandler: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.

Joey: Come on man, really how old?!

Chandler: Young! You’re a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybody’s ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!

Joey: Wow thanks! (He goes into his bedroom and closes the door.)

Chandler: Joe?

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Uhh, you’ve had a lot of sex right?

Joey: When? Today? Some, not a lot.

Chandler: Well, it’s just the reason that I’m asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable to—I mean I really wanted too, but I couldn’t…. There huh—hmm, there-there was an incident.

Joey: Don’t worry about that man, that happens.

Chandler: It’s happened to you?

Joey: Yeah! Once.

Chandler: Well, what’d you do?

Joey: I did it anyway.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the living room and Phoebe is in her room.]

Monica: Phoebe! Come on! Let’s go! (Knocks on her door.) Come on! (Phoebe enters with guitar and not ready to go.) Why aren’t you dressed yet?!

Phoebe: I’m sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. Check this out. (Gets ready to play.)

Monica: (grabs the guitar away from her) No, Phoebe, I’ll tell you what, if you get ready now I’ll let you play it at the wedding.

Phoebe: Really?! Oh that’s so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my guitar again I’ll have to pound on you for a little bit.

Monica: Fair enough, now go get ready!

Phoebe: Okay. (She goes to get ready.)

Monica: I’ll get everybody else (Does so), finally we can start celebrating my—(She gasps and is stopped by the sight of Ross and Rachel making out in the hall.) I’m sorry, uh apparently I’ve opened the door to the past.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from before the commercial break. Monica is walking into the apartment followed by Ross and Rachel.]

Ross: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you just saw…

Monica: (interrupting) Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight?

Rachel: What?

Monica: See, I’ve been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people I’m only planning on doing this once. So, uh y’know, maybe this is selfish and I’m sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that.

Rachel: Oh honey, but it is just about…

Ross: It is! It is!

Monica: No it’s not! No! No! Now it’s about you and Ross getting back together!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder!

Ross: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together!

Rachel: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody even saw!

Ross: Yeah!

Monica: That’s true.

Rachel: Honey I swear it we just kissed.

Ross: It was just a kiss. (Phoebe enters and overhears this.)

Phoebe: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?! Can I sing at your wedding?

Monica: Thunder being stolen!!

Rachel: Okay come on Phoebe, it’s nothing! Monica, come on!

Ross: Look let’s not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesn’t even matter!

(Chandler and Joey enter and overhear that.)

Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!!

Chandler: (angrily) I don’t think that’s what they were talking about Joe!!

Phoebe: What a great night, Chandler can’t do it, these guys kissed… (Points to Ross and Rachel.)

Joey: What?

Chandler: What?!

Joey: You guys kissed! Oh my—this is huge!

Rachel: No!

Ross: Oh no!

Rachel: No-no, it’s really not huge.

Ross: And; people thinking it’s huge has led Monica to believe that we are stealing her thunder. (To Monica) Which we are not!

Monica: Well, we’re still talking about it, aren’t we?

Phoebe: Well yeah, that and Chandler’s problem.

Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel.

Monica: Yes that would be lovely.

Joey: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19 right?!

Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.

Joey: Really?

Chandler: Yes!

Joey: Seriously?

Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31!

Joey: (gasps) I’m 30!

Rachel: Joey, you are not! You’re 31.

Joey: (realizes) Aww crap!

Phoebe: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, we’ll get us some Mai Thai’s, (To Chandler) maybe no more for you though.

Monica: Y’know what? I-I think that umm, I don’t feel like going to The Plaza.

Phoebe: Why?!

Rachel: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! Look…

Monica: No-no, I-I really don’t want to talk about it! I don’t! (To Rachel) Especially with you. (Goes into her room.)

Joey: Psss, that is whack!

[Time lapse, Phoebe is playing the guitar for Joey.]

Phoebe: (she’s strumming something) Yeah? (Joey nods yes.) Okay, I think I’ll play it at the wedding.

Joey: Yeah! Well, I think we’ll see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you don’t."

Phoebe: Well, I don’t think Monica is gonna take this away.

Joey: Wouldn’t she?

Phoebe: Would she?

Joey: Would she? (He smells something and gasps as he realizes what it is.) You ate my candy bar!

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, she’s pacing as Ross knocks on her door and opens it a little to stick his hands in.]

Ross: Guess who? (Enters fully.)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey, I just realized we kinda let some stuff up in the air…

Rachel: What do you think Monica mean when she said she didn’t want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing.

Ross: Still thinking about it huh?

Rachel: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? (Mimicking Monica.) Especially you!

Ross: (loosening his tie) Oh, who cares?

Rachel: I care!

Ross: (tightening his tie) And so do I.

Rachel: Y’know what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed?

Ross: Okay. Sure. (Sits down on her bed.)

Rachel: Am I going to let you watch me undress?

Ross: (sitting up) No! (Exits.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are both getting undressed.]

Monica: I can’t believe her, y’know it’s just—it’s so typical.

Chandler: Now Monica, I know you’re upset, but don’t forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there’s going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.

Monica: Paris?

Chandler: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la (mumbles something).

Monica: Keep talking.

Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because it’s romantic, but because I can!

Monica: I love you!

(They start making out and both start to feel something growing below the belt line.)

Monica: (in a French accent) Bonjour, monsieur.

Chandler: Okay, don’t say anything, you might scare it away.

(There is a knock on the door.)

Chandler: It’s Paris, who knows we’re here!

Monica: (opening the door) Hi Pheebs, what’s up? (She enters.)

Phoebe: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, I’m just gonna need a small deposit.

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: Y’know, just some good faith money to hold the date.

Chandler: Pheebs, we’re not giving you a deposit for our wedding!

Phoebe: Oh, I see. (Exits angrily.)

[Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a sandwich.)

Joey: They break your heart, don’t they?

Phoebe: Y’know, I don’t really their permission.

Joey: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding!

Phoebe: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then you… You gotta do something about your eyes.

Joey: What?! What’s wrong with my eyes.

Phoebe: They give you away! There’s just-there’s just too much wisdom in there. (Joey nods in agreement.) Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes.

Joey: And that’ll get rid of my wisdom?

Phoebe: Maybe just 10 minutes for you.

[Cut back to Monica and Chandler’s room, they are making out again as there’s another knock on the door.]

Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don’t care!

(Monica opens the door to Ross and Rachel.)

Monica: Yes.

Rachel: Monica, what did you mean before when you said you didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially me?

Chandler: What a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!

Rachel: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about?

Monica: Well, let’s just say it’s not the first time you’ve stolen my thunder.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, here’s a thought.

(Rachel ignores him and follows Monica into the kitchen.)

Rachel: Monica, what are you talking about?

Monica: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin Charlie.

Chandler: (entering) Ahh, third base.

Monica: It’s all everybody at the party could talk about!

Rachel: Monica, y’know what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring!

Monica: (gasps) We had a characturist!

Rachel: Oh!!

Phoebe: (singing, angrily)

"Whenever I get married, guess who won’t get to sing?

Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!"

(Exits.)

Rachel: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago.

Monica: And yet, here we are doing it again.

Rachel: Ugh, Monica I don’t want to steal your stupid thunder!

Monica: Oh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?!

Ross: Got me. (He shows of his hands.)

Rachel: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ain’t gonna happen!

Monica: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night!

Rachel: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night!

Monica: Oh, is that why you did it the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?!

Ross: Uh, Rachel, I’ve been thinking. I don’t think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. I’m calling it off.

Chandler: (To Ross) Why to save your dignity my man.

Rachel: (ignoring them) Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from your night?

Monica: I don’t know! I don’t—maybe you’re feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought you’d get married first! Maybe you can’t stand the fact that your formally fat friend is getting married before you!

Rachel: Oh wow. That—y’know what? That is so unfair. Y’know what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, let’s go have sex!

(Ross tries to dismiss it by making that sound, but decides to go for it and follows Rachel.)

Monica: (yelling after them) I can’t believe you’re gonna have sex on my engagement night!!

Chandler: Well, somebody should. (Monica glares at him.)

[Cut to Rachel’s bedroom.]

Ross: Look uh, if we’re gonna do this…

Rachel: We’re not gonna do this, all right? She’s just gonna think that we’re doin’ it.

Ross: Oh, I see, so everybody wins.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Rachel: Who is it?

Monica: (outside the door) It’s Monica, open up!

Rachel: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute! (Motions for him to follow her lead, but he angrily shakes his head no. So she pokes him.)

Ross: Oww!

Rachel: Yeah, you like that baby? (Monica bursts in followed by Chandler.) May we help you?

Monica: I just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get back together, but I must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement I’m going to announce that I’m pregnant!

Chandler: How is that ever going to happen?!

Rachel: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?!

Monica: I know why!

Rachel: No you don’t know why!

Monica: Okay! Why?!

Rachel: Because! Because I was sad.

Monica: What do you mean?

Rachel: Look, I am so…so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I’m not. I’m not even close. And I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that’s dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!

(Ross looks at Chandler.)

Chandler: (To Ross) I don’t care, she slept with me.

Rachel: Anyway sweetie, I am, I’m so sorry I ruined your night.

Monica: (starting to cry) I’m sorry I almost made you sleep with Ross. (They hug.)

Ross: (deadpan) Well, I’m going to take off. (To Chandler) Congratulations man.

Chandler: Thanks.

Ross: (at the door) And uh, Rachel.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: What can I say, you missed your chance. From now on the only person who’s going to enjoy these bad boys (holds up his hands) is me. (Quickly realizes what he said and exits disgustedly.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is singing outside Monica and Chandler’s door.]

Phoebe: (singing)

"We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just stayed and stayed.

That’s right, I’m here all night, and Chandler will never get l…"

Chandler: (interrupting her just in time) Hey! Here’s a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding.

Phoebe: Oh thank you.

Chandler: Okay. (Goes back to bed.)

Phoebe: Now… (Starts singing again) "Who will perform the ceremony! Who will perform the cer—(Chandler enters and grabs her guitar and closes the door behind him)—Oh—oh! All right, I’ll pound on him in the morning.

End

The One With Rachel’s Book

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.]

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hi!

Joey: Who wants French toast?

Ross: Oh, I’ll have some!

Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.

Monica: (entering from her room) Oww!

Chandler: What’s the matter honey?

Monica: I don’t know, my hand feels weird. I guess it’s because, I’m engaged! (Shows off the ring.) How long before it starts getting annoying?

Phoebe: It starts?

Rachel: Yeah, so let’s get started on the wedding plans!

Monica: Okay! (Runs off.)

Chandler: (incredulous) Already?!

Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music…

Chandler: Oh, I got some thoughts on that.

Rachel: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooks…

Ross: Take from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.

Monica: (returning) Okay! (Sets down a huge 3" 3-ring binder on the table.)

Chandler: What in God’s name is that?!

Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I haven’t seen that since the forth grade!

Monica: This baby has got everything. Take y’know, locations for instance. (She opens up the binder to the locations chapter.) First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage.

Phoebe: That is so smart! (To Chandler, under her breath) Break it off. Break it off now.

Opening Credits

[Scene: A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.]

Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now let’s take a look at… (Phoebe rushes in.)

Phoebe: Hey! Ross!

Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?

Phoebe: I need to talk to you, it’s pretty urgent. It’s about Monica and Chandler.

Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. (To the class.) Umm, would you please excuse me for a moment? Umm, do you know each other’s hometowns? Why don’t you… (Motions that they should learn everyone’s hometown.) (To Phoebe) Wh-what’s going on?

Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, y’know? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days?

Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-what’s wrong with Monica and Chandler?

Phoebe: Nothing—Why?!

Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent!

Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! I’m going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.

Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?

Phoebe: (to the students) Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel and Monica are pretty much telling Chandler what the wedding plans are.]

Monica: All right, so I haven’t cleared the budget with my parents yet, but tell me how this is for music.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession.

Rachel: Aw.

Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.

Chandler: Well, you couldn’t get them anyway. Ian doesn’t plan anymore and Derrick… (Off of Rachel and Monica’s looks) And Derrick is a name I shouldn’t know.

Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up one.) Y’know, something a little snugglyer?

Chandler: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?

Joey: Well, the duck…

Rachel: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?!

Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!

Chandler: Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?

Monica: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too!

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces?

Chandler: Centerpieces!

Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a picture of each.)

Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think they’re a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.

Monica: Oh my God! It’s like one mind.

Chandler: Uh-huh!

Joey: (sitting up again) Guys! Guys!! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, I’m gonna get cranky!

Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall!

Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!

Rachel: What?!

Joey: All right, I’m gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.)

Rachel: Now Joey, what did the duck do?!

Joey: I don’t know! But he did not eat your face cream!

[Cut to Joey and Rachel’s, Joey enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find the duck.]

Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (He’s about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachel’s room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) That’s so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar…(Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) …wouldn’t be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his…(Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on her table she’s set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.]

Ross: Uh, Phoebe…

Phoebe: Oh Ross, hi.

Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m with a client right now.

Ross: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Okay, let’s talk outside.

(They go into the hall.)

Ross: Phoebe, you can’t massage people in my apartment!

Phoebe: What’s the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler’s!

Ross: And they knew about it?

Phoebe: (pause as she considers it) Okay, well Ross, what is this really about?

Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want!

Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I just don’t know what the big deal is!

Ross: The big deal is I don’t want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzle—beer! Cold beer.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sweeping up as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey Joey, what ‘cha doing?

Joey: Sweepin’. Why? Turn you on?

Rachel: No.

Joey: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney?

Rachel: Joey, did you my face cream?

(She walks into her bedroom.)

Joey: Where are you going? The vicar won’t be home for hours.

(She comes back out.)

Rachel: Joey, (nervously) where did you learn that word?

Joey: Where do you think, (pause) Zelda?

Rachel: (gasps) You found my book?!

Joey: Yeah I did!

Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?!

Joey: Okay, look I’m sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldn’t have, but you got porn!

Rachel: Hey-hey, y’know what? I don’t care! I’m not ashamed of my book. There’s nothing with a woman enjoying a little…erotica. It’s just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. (She goes into her room.)

Joey: You got porn!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and a puzzle—beer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebe’s massage table, but being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He sets the table back up and opens the door to reveal a beautiful woman.]

Ross: Hello.

Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here?

Ross: Uh no-no, she-she’s out for the night.

Woman: Ohh great.

Ross: Can I, can I help you with something?

Woman: Well, I don’t know. Are you a masseur?

Ross: (deadpan) Yes I am.

Woman: Great! (Calls down the hall) Dad! (Her old father walks in.) Thank you so much, I’ll be back to pick him up in an hour. (She walks away.)

(Ross isn’t happy and closes the door slowly.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.]

Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, you’re parents must’ve been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.

Chandler: Oh yeah, I should probably call them.

Mr. Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.

Chandler: Oh, I don’t think I ever heard that story.

Monica: Oh dad, really you don’t need to…

Mr. Geller: (ignoring her) Well, I’d gotten Judy pregnant. I still don’t know that happened.

Mrs. Geller: (incredulous) You don’t know how that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!

Chandler: What a sweet story.

Monica: Well, at least you’re not hearing it for the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party.

Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story!

Monica: Anyway, we’re really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon we’ll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (Chandler and her laugh, but her parents don’t.) What?

Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I can’t do it.

Monica: What happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund don’t you?

Mr. Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the beach house.

Commercial Break

[Scene: A Restaurant, scene continued from before the break.]

Monica: I don’t believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house!

Mrs. Geller: We’re sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30 you’d pay for it yourself.

Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23!

Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can’t put a price on that sweetie.

Mrs. Geller: We really do feel bad about this though.

Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.

Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler?

Mrs. Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didn’t think he’d ever propose!

Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)

Monica: I can’t believe it! That there is no money for my wedding?!

Mrs. Geller: We might still have some money, if your father didn’t think it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.

Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.

Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid.

Mr. Geller: All right, enough! I don’t want to hear about it anymore! (Under his breath) Good luck, Chandler. (Chandler takes another drink.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesn’t like it.]

Ross: Okay! Now, I’m going to touch you. (He does so, very gingerly.) Ohh, that’s soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage him with those.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning from dinner, Rachel is already there.]

Monica: I can’t believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay for it?

Chandler: I don’t know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She’s saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.

Rachel: Well what happened at dinner?

Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding!

Phoebe: (gasps) My God! What did you order?!

Rachel: Wait, but there’s no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!

Chandler: Honey, it’s gonna be okay.

Monica: No! No it’s not! It’s not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies!

Rachel: No, y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. I mean you don’t have to have this rustic Italian feast. Y’know? And-and you don’t need, you don’t need this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.)

Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we’re gonna get married.

Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?!

Phoebe: Look, why don’t you just pay for it yourself?

Monica: How? I don’t have any money.

Chandler: Well, I have some.

Monica: How much?

Chandler: Well, close to… (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)

Monica: Whoa!!! Are you kidding me?!

Rachel: Well what?! How-how much is it?!

Monica: It’s enough for wedding scenario eight.

Rachel: Ohh! (Whispers.) Really?!

Monica: (To Chandler) How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding!

Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh, you guys are so made for each other.

Chandler: Well, you’re not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?

Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah!

Chandler: Well, come on, I’ve been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.

Phoebe: (reading the slip of paper) Wow! (In a sultry voice) Hello, Mr. Chandler.

Monica: This is the most special day of our lives.

Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but I’m not gonna spend all of the money on one party.

Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. Okay? (Laughs) Listen, we could always earn more money, okay? But uh, we’re only gonna get married once.

Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no.

Monica: You-you’re gonna have to put your foot down?

Chandler: Yes, I am!

Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting there.]

Joey: Hey Rach.

Rachel: (quietly) Joey.

Joey: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke?

Rachel: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.

Joey: No-no-no, I’m serious. You don’t smell it? Something’s on fire.

Rachel: Well no, I don’t smell anything.

Joey: Oh, y’know what? It’s probably just your burnin’ loins.

Ross: (sitting down) Hey, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about?

Rachel: Nothing!

Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffee’s cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)

Rachel: Y’know, I can not believe you told him, Joey!

Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh?

Rachel: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you. (Exits.)

Ross: (chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard him.) (To that table.) ‘Sup?

Phoebe: (entering) Ross! How could you do that to an old man?!

Ross: (looking at the table) Excuse me ladies. (To Phoebe) I’m sorry?

Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.

Ross: (incredulous) I gave him an extremely professional massage!

Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.

Ross: Okay, so it wasn’t uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him accu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a mop.

Phoebe: Well, he’s never coming back! Okay? You just cost me eight dollars a week!

Ross: Hey, y’know what? This is your fault! You’re the one that didn’t move his-his appointment.

Phoebe: Oh, it’s my fault?! You didn’t have to massage him! You could’ve sent him away! You could’ve not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back!

Ross: He said he liked that!! Oh you’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry.

Joey: Dude, what are you massaging an old man for?

Ross: His daughter was hot.

Joey: Gotcha.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Listen umm, I’ve been thinking, it’s not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.

Chandler: Ehh.

Monica: Eh, you work for that.

Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I’m sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.

Monica: You do?!

Chandler: Yeah, I’m putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that’s what we’re gonna do.

Monica: Oh, you’re so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?

Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y’know? We’ll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.

Monica: You thought about that?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?

Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.

Monica: What else did you think about?

Chandler: Well, stuff like where’d we live, y’know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y’know, we could have a cat that had a bell on it’s collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we’d have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.

Monica: (laughs) Y’know what? I-I don’t want a big, fancy wedding.

Chandler: Sure you do.

Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.

Chandler: You sure?

Monica: Uh-hmm.

Chandler: I love you so much.

Monica: I love you. (They kiss.) Hey listen umm, when, when you were talkin’ about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right.

Chandler: Oh yeah, totally!

Monica: Oh good.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.]

Joey: Hello, Zelda.

Rachel: Who are you supposed to be?

Joey: The vicar!

Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is?

Joey: Like a goalie, right?

Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah. Look Joey, it’s enough all right?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it’s—I’m not—it’s just not funny anymore!

Joey: All right, I’m sorry. Rach I—Rach I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry! Maybe I can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn. (Giggles.)

Rachel: All right! Y’know what? That’s it! You wanna do it?! Let’s do it!

Joey: Huh?

Rachel: (starting to move closer to him) That’s right, I wanna do it with you! I’ve been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.

Joey: (nervously backing away) I-I-I-I did? (He puts a stool in front of her.)

Rachel: (moves the stool out of the way) Yeah! Ohh, I’ve been waitin’ so long to get on that body!

Joey: This body? (He backs into the kitchen.)

Rachel: Yeah that’s right! Come on Joey; sex me up!

Joey: Hey-hey, you’re startin’ to sound like the butcher’s wife there in-in chapter seven.

Rachel: Oh, come on now, don’t keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because you’re in for a rough ride! (He backs into the door.)

Joey: I don’t want to, I’m scared.

(Rachel walks away, pleased with her self.)

End

The One With Phoebe’s Cookies

Written by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Monica are all there as Chandler enters wearing glasses.]

Chandler: Hey, you guys!

Ross and Rachel: Hey!

Chandler: So, what do you think?

Ross: About what?

Rachel: Yeah, what?

Joey: What?

Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, I’ll give you a hint; I’ll give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.)

Joey: Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler’s eyes!

Chandler: I got glasses!

Ross: Well, you-you’ve always had glasses.

Chandler: No I didn’t!

Ross: Are you sure?

Rachel: Yeah-yeah, did-didn’t you use to have a pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm…

Joey: Feminine.

Rachel: Yes!

Chandler: No!

Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Yeah!

Chandler: (sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn’t think I used to wear glasses, right?

Monica: Of course! (She mouths, "I have no idea," to the rest of the gang.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are making some sandwiches.]

Phoebe: So what do you guys want for an engagement present?

Chandler: That’s okay Pheebs, we’re not having a party or anything, so you don’t have to get us…

Monica: (interrupts him) If someone wants to give us a present, we don’t want to deprive them of that joy.

Rachel: Oh, y’know what you should get ‘em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.

Monica: Oh, I already have one.

Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.

Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.

Monica: Hey, I know I what I want!

Chandler: What we want honey.

Monica: No, you don’t want this. I want to have your grandmother’s cookie recipe.

Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?

Monica: Uh-huh, yeah.

Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?

Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things.

Monica: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children.

Phoebe: Break my heart—Oh, all right.

Monica: Okay. I’m gonna be the mom that makes the world’s best chocolate chip cookies.

Chandler: Our kids are gonna be fat aren’t they.

Joey: (entering) Ahoy!

Chandler: Hey! How’s the boat?!

Joey: Great! I’m finally getting into this sailing stuff.

Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh?

Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there!

Phoebe: If you don’t sail your boat, what do you do on it?

Joey: Oh, it’s great! It’s a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks a beer, and eats a chip.)

Chandler: Well, it’s good that you finally have a place to do that.

Rachel: Y’know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.

Joey: You could?

Rachel: Yeah! I’ve been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.

Phoebe: Your own boat?

Rachel: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there. He takes off his glasses and starts chewing on the ear piece.]

Chandler: Do you know what I was thinkin’?

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.)

Ross: (entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight?

Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture?

Ross: No, why?

Chandler: Then free as a bird. What’s up?

Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.

Monica: Wow! That’s great! Dad must really like you, he doesn’t ask just anyone to play.

Ross: Yeah and he didn’t really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.

Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?

Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.

Monica: This is so cool, maybe this is something you can do every week.

Ross: Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the trash cans. He does that every week too.

Monica: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to let him win.

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: He hates to lose.

Chandler: Oh no problem, maybe I’ll play with my left hand.

Ross: You’re not a lefty?

Chandler: Does anybody know me?!

(Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales exasperatedly.)

Monica: What’s wrong Phoebe?

Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up!

Monica: No!! Why didn’t you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!!

Phoebe: (pauses as he figures out how to answer that) Because I’m normal! That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement present.

Ross: Oh, we have to get you an engagement present?

Chandler: Don’t worry about it Pheebs.

Ross: No one got me an engagement present.

Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie in a plastic baggie.)

Chandler: An old cookie?

Monica: (To Chandler) This is what happens when you don’t register for gifts!

Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left.

Chandler: We can’t accept this.

Phoebe: Why not?

Chandler: ‘Cause it’s gross.

Monica: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do stuff like this at work all the time.

Phoebe: Really?!

Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it.

(Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at them.)

Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present.

Ross: Two! I’ve been engaged twice!

[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joey’s boat), she’s shown to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality she’s in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and Joey are on board.]

Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?

Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.

Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. (Points to the coast, meanwhile there is coast behind him.)

Rachel: Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We’re not finished with the lesson yet.

Joey: All right.

Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna go over the basic points just one more time, are you ready?

Joey: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let’s start sailing, and I want to go over there (Points) where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling to them) Yo-ho-ho!

Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let’s do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, (grabs some of the rigging) what’s this called?

Joey: Uh, boat rope.

Rachel: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up?

Joey: Uhh, rub it?

Rachel: No. What do you do if I say we are coming about?

Joey: I’d say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this one, uh…

(Rachel blasts an air horn in his ear.)

Rachel: Time’s up, now your dead.

Joey: And deaf!

Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! (She punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.)

Joey: Yes.

Rachel: Don’t just say yes! This isn’t a game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!

Joey: I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are trying to determine the cookie recipe by eating small pieces.]

Monica: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg.

Phoebe: You do?

Monica: You don’t? (Laughs) Well, that’s the difference between a professional and a layman.

Phoebe: That and arrogance.

Joey: (entering) Hey.

Monica: Hey! How was sailing?

Joey: I don’t want to talk about it. Y’know, you could’ve at least saved me a whole cookie. (He grabs what’s left of the cookie and pops in his mouth.)

Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!!

Joey: (recoils in horror) Women are mean!!! (Storms out.)

Phoebe: I can’t believe that! Now the only thing left of my grandmother’s legacy is this crumb. (She picks it up with her finger and holds it out to Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage.

Ross: (entering with Chandler) Hey.

Monica: Hey! How was it?

Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand…

Chandler: I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad.

Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him?

Chandler: Daddy. All right look, here’s the story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way around the steam filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and that’s when in happened.

[Cut to the flashback, Chandler’s no longer doing the voice-over.]

Chandler: Guys?

Ross: Over here. (You can see Ross sitting at the far wall.)

Mr. Geller: Have a seat son. (You can see Mr. Geller sitting closer to the door as Chandler walks over and sits in his lap.) Hey!! (Chandler quickly jumps off and sits next to him with a shocked expression on his face.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what happened.]

Monica: Oh my God Chandler! I can’t believe it!

Chandler: I know.

Monica: You gave my father a lap dance!

Chandler: Why do they put so much steam in there?!

Ross: ‘Cause otherwise they’d have to call it the room room.

Chandler: Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen?

Phoebe: Come on, it’s not that big a deal!

Chandler: Not that big a deal? There…there was touching of things.

Ross: Now, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part?

Monica: Listen, I’m sure that dad doesn’t care. He probably thought this was funny; he’ll be telling this story for years!

Chandler: I don’t want him to tell this story for years.

Ross: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from fat camp.

Monica: I wasn’t escaping.

Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?

Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel.

Ross: You were trying to eat it!

(The phone rings.)

Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!

Monica: (takes the phone from Ross) Come on. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens) I’m sorry you have the wrong number. (Listens) (Whispering) Okay, I’ll call you later dad. I love you. (Hangs up.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are there.]

Chandler: (getting up) All right, I’m off to see your dad.

Ross: Whoa-whoa, aren’t you a little over dressed?

Rachel: (laughing) Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time.

Chandler: Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face—And by face I don’t mean his lap. And by face, I don’t mean my ass. (Exits.)

Ross: (To Rachel) Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present?

Rachel: I don’t know. Y’know, they didn’t get us anything.

Ross: Thank you!

Joey: (entering) Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin’ back out on the water matey?

Joey: Oh uh, I don’t know the boat way to say this, but uh never!

Rachel: Why not?

Joey: Because! You’re mean on the boat!

Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.

Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!

Ross: Yeeeeeep… Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took out on her dad’s boat she wouldn’t let me help at all.

Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn’t move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.

Ross: You have to respect the sea! (Storms off.)

Rachel: Look Joey, I’m sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.

Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?"

Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?

Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?

Rachel: Yeah, I didn’t want you to get hit by the boom!

Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it would’ve hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.

Rachel: All right, y’know what? I-I’m sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.

Joey: You won’t boss me around anymore?

Rachel: I won’t boss you around.

Joey: And you’ll be nice?

Rachel: And, I’ll be nice.

Joey: And you’ll be topless?

Rachel: And—Joey!

Joey: Do you want me to learn?!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out different cookie recipes. Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.]

Monica: Okay, here’s batch 22. Ohh, maybe these’ll taste a little like your grandmother’s. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.

Ross: Let’s give it a shot.

Monica: Okay. Man, I have not made this many cookies since I was in the ninth grade.

Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?

Monica: No, just a Friday night.

(They all take a bite.)

Ross: Ohh, these are pretty good.

Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.

Ross: Which one was that?

Monica: The ones we had right after you almost threw up.

Ross: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. (Burps a little bit.) I’m okay.

Phoebe: Are there anymore from the good batch? ‘Cause we could just work off of those.

Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh… (Grabs a cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesn’t like it.) It’s batch 16! 16 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.)

[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, its Joey’s second lesson with Rachel as the resident sailing expert.]

Rachel: Okay Joey honey, you’re doing really good! All right, now I’m just gonna need you to step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which side is the port side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side?

Joey: Ohh yeah.

Rachel: Right?

Joey: Nope.

Rachel: It’s left sweetie, but that’s okay sweetie, that’s a tough one.

Joey: I don’t know why you just don’t say left.

Rachel: Okay, go to the left. (Joey goes starboard or sits on the right side of the boat.) The left!

Joey: Huh?

Rachel: (yelling) Just sit over there!! (Points to the port side.)

Joey: (hurrying over) Okay! Okay, you’re yelling again! See that?

Rachel: No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling.

Joey: Oh, y’know what? Since I’m here, I think I’m gonna have me a little beer on the port side. (Grabs and opens one.)

Rachel: Okay Joey, we’re luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.)

Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn’t know there.

Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this! (She does it instead.)

Joey: Oh, y’know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!

Rachel: (angrily) No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!

Joey: All right that’s it! You’re yelling and I don’t see you taking your top off! I quit!

Rachel: What do you mean you quit?! You can’t quit!

Joey: Why not?!

Rachel: Because you’re not finished yet and I won’t have it! Greens do not quit!

Joey: Greens? I’m a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!

Rachel: Oh my God, wait did I—I just said Greens don’t quit didn’t I? (Pause) (Angrily) Did I just say Greens don’t quit?!

Joey: Yes! Yes! You did and you’re still yelling at me!

Rachel: No! No! No! I’m not yelling at you, I’m just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, ohh I’m my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin’. Oh, Joey, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to learn.

Joey: Well, hey I did learn.

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Yeah! Come on.

Rachel: Awww…

Joey: Yeah, it’s okay. I know what a mainsail is. (Points to it. It’s the larger sail.) I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is right.

Rachel: Left.

Joey: Damnit!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie trying period has pasted. Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the day’s events.]

Phoebe: Y’know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we’re trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she’s l-l-lookin’ up at us and smiling right now.

Ross: Looking up?

Phoebe: Oh yeah—No, she was really nice to me, but she’s in hell for sure.

Monica: Well, I’ve tried everything. I give up. I guess I’m not gonna be the mom who makes the world’s best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe.  Kids love that right.

Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn’t there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister?

Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that’s not happening ‘til October 15th, 2032.

Ross: That’s the day you’re gonna die? See—darnit, I’ve got shuffleboard that day.

Phoebe: That’s what you think.

Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother’s? Wouldn’t they have the recipe?

Phoebe: Well, y’know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse.

Monica: What was her name?

Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse.

Monica: Nestle Tollhouse?!

Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.

Monica: (grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips) Phoebe, is this the recipe? (Tosses her the bag.)

Phoebe: (reading the recipe on the back of the bag) Yes!! (Realizes.) Ohh.

Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!

Phoebe: I know! You see it is stuff like this which is why (Looking down) you’re burning in hell!!

[Scene: The Gym, Chandler and Mr. Geller are heading for the whirlpool room.]

Chandler: So you understand, I’d feel a lot more comfortable if you didn’t tell people what happened. Y’know, I’m a little…I’m a little embarrassed about it.

Mr. Geller: I understand completely, there’s nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a lawyer.

Chandler: What did you do when they found out?

Mr. Geller: They never did, so if ever see me giving them legal advice just nod along. Shall we?

(Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and Chandler didn’t seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked, including Chandler.)

Chandler: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here!

Ending Credits

[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.]

Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun.

Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don’t you give a pull on that rope? (Points.)

Rachel: Ohh we’re not sailing.

Joey: Just pull on it.

Rachel: All right. (She does so and it brings the cooler closer together.) Hey-hey-hey!! (Sees what’s in the cooler.) Sandwiches!

Joey: What else?

Rachel: (hands him one) Here you go.

Joey: Thank you.

Rachel: Oh wow! (She takes a bite, but holds the sandwich vertically so that the stuff falls out.)

Joey: What are you doing?

Rachel: Ohh, sorry.

Joey: What you—don’t hold it like that! You’re lettin’ all the good stuff fall out.

(More falls out.)

Rachel: Ohh whoops.

Joey: Careful! You’re wasting good pastrami! (Gasps.) Oh my God! I’m my dad!

End

The One With Rachel’s Assistant

Written by: Brian Boyle

Directed by: David Schwimmer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]

Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives don’t mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica aren’t amused.)

C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.

Mac: Well, I couldn’t have done it without you buddy. You’re a genius.

C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can’t get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?

(They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)

Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?

(They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)

Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, it’s your mom. (Hands him the phone.)

Chandler: It’s your mommy. It’s your mommy.

Ross: Ohhhh…

Rachel: That’s nice.

Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gang a chance to figure out what they’re gonna say.)

Rachel: Well that was umm…Okay.

Ross: It wasn’t the best.

Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.

Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?

Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.

Rachel: Ohh no you don’t! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!

Monica: And I have costumes.

Ross: Oh great! That means I’m stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittin’ right here! Whoa!"

(Phoebe gets up.)

Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs?

Phoebe: I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t lie to him again. Oh no I—no! I’m just gonna press my breasts up against him.

Chandler: And say nothing?

Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that’s right.

Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It wasn’t that good.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch.]

Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?

Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?

Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You’ll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and…

Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! You’re not gonna believe what my agent just told me!

Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!

Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.

Rachel: Okay, so anyway I’m sittin’ in my office and guess who walks in.

Joey: I’m gonna be on two TV shows!

Monica and Phoebe: Oh, that’s great!!

Rachel: Joey!

Joey: Oh, you weren’t finished?

Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my office!

Joey: Uh Rach, if you’re gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.

Rachel: It’s the same story.

Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, it’s really long.

Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he’s so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.

Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?

Rachel: Yeah!

Monica: I’m so happy for you!

Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives.

Monica: What?!

Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!

Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God!

Rachel: I got—I get a big pay raise!

Phoebe: Oh hey!

Joey: I’ll be playing Drake Remoray’s twin brother, Stryker!

Monica: Oooh!

Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!

Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!!

Joey: (jumps up) Well—I got a head rush from standing up to fast right there.

[Scene: Rachel’s New Office, she’s interviewing a potential new assistant, Hilda.]

Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years?

Hilda: That’s right.

Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?

Hilda: What?

Rachel: I’ve never interviewed anyone before. I’ve actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn’t the same thing.

Hilda: No dear. It’s not.

Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you.

Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.

Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) I’m a total pro!

(There’s a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)

Man: Hello?

Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I’m sorry the models are actually down the hall.

Man: Actually, I’m here about the assistant job.

Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what’s—what is—what’s your name?

Man: Tag Jones.

Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.

Tag: That’s it. That’s my whole name.

Rachel: That’s your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let’s-let’s just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume)

Tag: I know I haven’t worked in an office before, and I really don’t have a lot of experience, but uh…

Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You’ve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday’s, come on!

Tag: It’s lame, I know. But I’m a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn…

Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) I’m sorry, it’s for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]

Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)

Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.

Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.

Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?

Monica: I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.

Chandler: Secret? Married people aren’t supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.

Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no.

Chandler: No I’m serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.

Monica: Really? Okay, so why don’t you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?

Chandler: Oh no-no, I can’t do that.

Monica: If you tell me, I’ll tell you what Phoebe said.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we’re on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.

Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?

Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebe’s secret?

Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe’s old massage place is getting fired.

Chandler: That’s it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?

Monica: That’s right! You lose sucker!! (Pause) Please still marry me.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]

Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?

Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!

Rachel: No, I-I just don’t know how you decide who to hire. I mean I’ve got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there’s this guy…

Chandler: What about him?

Rachel: I love him. He’s so pretty I wanna cry! I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.

Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don’t hire an assistant because they’re cute, you hire them because they’re qualified.

Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you’re saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty!

Phoebe: Let’s see. (Looking at the picture) Oh my God! Oh… But no! No! You can’t-you can’t hire him, because that—it’s not professional. Umm, this is for me (The picture) yes? Thanks. (Puts it in her pocket.)

Rachel: Okay you’re right. I’ll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!

Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Don’t show this to Monica! And don’t tell her about the W-H-Wow!

[Scene: The Days of Our Lives producer’s office, Joey is entering to find Terry there.]

Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey!

Joey: Hey Terry!

Terry: Good to see you again!

Joey: It’s been a while, huh? Wow, it’s funny these halls look smaller then they used to.

Terry: It’s a different building.

Joey: So! Stryker Remoray huh? When do you want me to start?

Terry: Why don’t we start right now!

Joey: Okay.

Terry: Here are the audition scenes. (Holds out the script.)

Joey: (looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.

Terry: Why would you think that?

Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Remoray, Stryker’s twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right?

Terry: Everybody has to audition.

Joey: Y’know Terry, I-I don’t really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, (Pause) with a robot.

Terry: I’m sorry Joey that’s…that’s the way it is.

Joey: Well. I guess you think you’re pretty special huh? Sittin’ up here in your fancy small hall building. Makin’ stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well y’know what? (Throws the script away) This is one star who’s hoop… This is a star that the hoop—this hoop—I was Dr. Drake Remoray!

[Scene: Rachel’s office, she’s there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.]

Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?

Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren’t any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first… (Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office.

Rachel: Kinda.

Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldn’t put good at noticing stuff on my resume. (Sets the plant down on her desk.)

Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you.

Tag: Anyway, I’m guessing you hired somebody.

Rachel: Well…

Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. (Starts to leave.)

Rachel: But I hired you!

Tag: What?

Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! You’re my new assistant!

Tag: I am?!

Rachel: Yeah!

Tag: I can’t believe it!

Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey! Good, you’re home!

Chandler: Oh it’s always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!"

Monica: Hey baby. (Kisses him.)

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: I made you a surprise.

Chandler: Oh yeah?

Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I’ve had such a craving for them.

Chandler: Did you not understand the story?

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey! What’s up?

Monica: Ross!

Ross: Oh, nothin’ much. Just trying to figure out what I’m gonna do for dinner.

Chandler: Huh.

Ross: (notices the table) Hey—Ooh! What’s-what’s that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?

Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!

Ross: What you got over there? Tacos?

Monica: No! No. They’re umm… They’re just uh…ground beef smileys. (Holding up one of the shells.)

Ross: Uhh, those are tacos.

Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.

Ross: Eh, either way I’ll pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still can’t eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) What’s so funny?!

Monica: (trying not to laugh) I’m not laughing.

(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)

Ross: (To Chandler) You told her!

Chandler: Nancy Thompson’s getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)

Ross: (To Monica) Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! It’s not like I choose to do it! It’s not like—It’s not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!"

Monica: You’re right. I mean I’m sorry. Yeah, I shouldn’t be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler laughing.)

Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?!

Chandler: I had too okay?! We’re getting married! Married couples can’t keep secrets from one another!

Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.

Chandler: Du-ude!

Monica: (running up to Ross) What happened in Atlantic City?!

Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar…

Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"

Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you’re thinking, Chandler’s not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you’re right, Chandler’s not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with…girls.

Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.

Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.

Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard…

Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?

Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi!

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey—Ooh, how’s Hilda? Is she working out?

Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes.

Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?

Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant has very happy that I hired my new assistant.

(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)

Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? (To Phoebe and Rachel) It’s the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute? (On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week’s script. (Listens) Canceled?! (Listens) Like they’re taking it off the air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, see you Monday. (Listens) We’re not even shootin’ them anymore?!! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up) They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!

Phoebe: Sorry.

Rachel: I’m sorry Joey.

Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?!

(Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against him. Which Joey doesn’t mind, of course.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets.]

Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!

Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!

Chandler: Ross came in forth and cried!

Monica: Oh my God! (Laughing)

Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!

Monica: I-I already told him everything! (Threateningly) You shush!!

Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she’d made.

Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!

Ross: Monica couldn’t tell time ‘til she was 13!

Monica: It’s hard for some people!

Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wow—whoa!

Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!

Chandler: Hey!!!

Monica: Ohh, I’m sorry I couldn’t think of anymore for Ross!

Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!

Chandler: That was you!

Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming about cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]

Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin’!

Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?

Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.

Phoebe: What happened?

Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.

Rachel: Joey, why would you do that?

Joey: Because they wanted me to audition!

Phoebe: You! An actor?! That’s madness!

[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.]

Tag: Rachel Green’s office. (Hangs up.)

Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that?

Tag: (shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing.

Rachel: Really? (Giggles.)

(Phoebe rounds the corner.)

Phoebe: Hi!

Tag: Hi! Rachel Green’s office.

Phoebe: You must be Hilda.

Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? (Goes into office.)

Tag: Phoebe! That’s a great name.

Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.

Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. We’ll be right back. (They go into her office and she closes the door.)

Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya?

Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I’m telling you…

Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.

Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I’ve ever done. But I’m telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (There’s a knock on the door.) Yes?

(Kathy enters (Because she’s listed in the credits).)

Kathy: Hey Rachel!

Rachel: Hi!

Kathy: Cute assistant! What’s his story? Is he…

Rachel: Gay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.)

[Scene: Terry’s office, Joey has come to beg for a second chance.]

Joey: Hey! Terry.

Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I’m surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! (Gets up) I gotta go Joey.

Joey: Wait! Terry! Wait—Look—Wait I-I… Look, I’m really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I’m too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance.

Terry: I can’t help you Joey.

Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.

[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]

Nurse #1: This poor guy’s been in a coma for five years. It’s hopeless.

Nurse #2: It’s not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Remoray’s a miracle worker. Look, here he comes.

(Stryker enters, only it’s not Joey playing him.)

Dr. Stryker Remoray: Good morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers to him.) Drake, it’s your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?

The Director: And cut!

Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages) I’m back baby! Ha-ha-ha!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other.]

Monica: Y’know, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.

Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!

Chandler: (To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right?

Monica: No!

Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)

Monica: I don’t know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.)

Chandler: Y’know when I said that because we’re getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?

Monica: Yeah?

Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Let’s not do that.

Monica: Ohh, absolutely.

Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else.

Monica: Yeah, definitely!

Ross: Okay, (gets up) if you’ll excuse me, I-I’m gonna go hang out with some people who don’t know the Space Mountain story.

Monica: Then, I’d steer clear of Phoebe.

Ross: Man! (Monica mouths, "I’m sorry.")

Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn’t hang out with…all the guys in my office.

(Ross storms out.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Rachel’s office, she’s looking at a picture of Tag when he knocks and enters.]

Rachel: (noticing him) Hi! (Puts the pictures away.)

Tag: Do you have a minute?

Rachel: Well yeah, sure, what’s up?

Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch…by guys.

Rachel: Oh really?!

Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?

Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know that?

Tag: But I’m not gay. And I especially wouldn’t want you to think I was gay.

Rachel: Why’s that?

Tag: I don’t think I should say.

Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me things. (Motions for him to sit down.)

Tag: Okay.

Rachel: ‘Kay.

Tag: Well…

Rachel: Yeah.

Tag: I’d love to ask out your friend Phoebe.

Rachel: (Pause) Yeah, she’s gay.

End

The One With The Engagement Picture

Teleplay by: Patty Lin

Story by: Earl Davis

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: What’s the matter?

Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!

Phoebe: Oh Willie’s still alive!

Chandler: What are you guys doing?

Monica: Oh, my mom called, they’re gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we’re looking for a good picture of us.

Chandler: Oooh, I’m afraid that does not exist.

Monica: That’s not true, there are great pictures of us!

Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this… (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! That’s the creep that you’re with at the Statue of Liberty.

Chandler: I don’t know what it is, I just can’t take a good picture.

Monica: (looking at one) Oh, here’s a great one.

Chandler: Yeah, I’m not in that.

Monica: I know, but look at me all tan.

Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer.

Monica: That’s a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y’know… (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.)

Phoebe: Yeah that’s great! Next to that, Chandler won’t look so stupid.

Monica: Chandler what do you say?

Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I’m not going. I’m going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.]

Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh…

Chandler: How about those three pointers?

Ross: Amazing!

Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin’ us play this time too.

(They both get dejected and go sit down.)

Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe’s talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy.

Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees.

Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.

Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out!

Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married.

Phoebe: He is! But he’s getting divorced—Ross! Maybe you know him.

Ross: It’s not a club.

Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy’s going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him?

Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men!

Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club.

Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work.

Phoebe: You don’t have to be back for a half-hour!

Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker.

Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y’know you can’t date him right?

Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife.

Ross: Soon he’ll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.

Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I’m not gonna act on it.

Phoebe: So you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else?

Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn’t he? He’s dating that slut in marketing!

Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men’s club.

Chandler: Dude that is so sad.

Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back.

Chandler: Could I play?

[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, she’s returning from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.]

Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag?

Tag: I just did them.

Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!

Tag: What?

Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in?

Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night?

Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those?

(He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.)

Melissa: Hey Rachel!

Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what’s up? I’m just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y’know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What’s up? (She has put on the backpack.)

Melissa: Umm, is Tag here?

Rachel: No. Why?

Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight.

Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya?

Melissa: Well, we’ve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that.

Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain’t a locker room, okay? But, y’know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight.

Melissa: Oh no!

Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work.

Melissa: Hey! Isn’t that Tag’s backpack.

Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don’t want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor.

(Melissa beats a hasty retreat.)

[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler isn’t.]

The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! That’s great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile?

Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)

The Photographer: I’m sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?

Chandler: No, I am.

Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile.

Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)

Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you don’t have to smile. Let’s try something else. Let’s try umm, try looking sexy.

Chandler: Okay. (You’ll have to see it, I can’t describe the face he makes, but it isn’t good.)

Monica: Or not.

[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.]

Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here?

Joey: Uhh, well I’ve got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one?

Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm…here. (Hands him one.)

Joey: Great. (He doesn’t like it.) You got anything that’s not Ralph Lauren?

Rachel: Yeah, I don’t think so Joe.

Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine.

Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight?

Joey: Nothing, why?

Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I’ll pay.

Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude.

Rachel: I’m not asking you to go on a date with him!

Joey: Really? ‘Cause I could kinda use the money.

Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and I know he doesn’t have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I’ll really appreciate it.

Joey: Yeah, okay.

Rachel: Yeah?

Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) Ooh—Hey, donuts!

Rachel: Yeah!

Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.)

[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.]

Monica: I know. Let’s try a look…of far off…wonderment. Okay, we’ll-we’ll gaze into our future and we’ll think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Don’t laugh at him! He’s my drowning moron!

Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.)

Monica: That’s it! Take it! Take it! Take it!

(Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]

Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and that’s why I have to kill you."

Monica: They can’t all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is.

Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?

Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread?

(Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.)

Phoebe: I’m having a really good time!

Hums While He Pees: Me too! I’m sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck.

Phoebe: Ohh. No that’s okay, he’s a friend.

Hums While He Pees: Hey uh, I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go?

Phoebe: Yeah, I… Well y’know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I’d just be lost.

Hums While He Pees: I know it’s really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and—Oh no! No! No! My God!

Phoebe: Okay, don’t freak out. I’ll go.

Hums While He Pees: No it’s… Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy!

Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross?

Ross: Yeah?

Phoebe: Yeah, umm that’s Whitney (Points), Kyle’s ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y’know divert her so that we can slip out?

Ross: What?! No!

Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.)

Ross: Look, I don’t think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, I’ll do it. But just because you’re a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.]

Phoebe: Hi Ginger.

Ross: All right! I want my key back!

Phoebe: I don’t have it!

Ross: It’s right there! (Points to her hand.)

Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.)

Ross: Look, I’m sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs.

Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though for diverting Kyle’s ex.

Ross: Oh yeah—No—You’re welcome. We’ll talk about it later.

Phoebe: Okay.

(Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.)

Ross: Hi Whitney.

Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast?

Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay.

Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyle’s ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her not date her!

Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! I’m sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night.

Whitney: Sure.

Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay?

Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing?

Ross: Yes! That’s where we realized we were both super cool people!

Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her.

Ross: Like what?

Phoebe: Like she’s really mean, and she’s over critical, and-and—No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you!

Ross: Okay.

Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon!

Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I’ll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons.

Phoebe: You’re still gonna go out with her?!

Ross: Yeah!

Phoebe: Well, didn’t you just hear what I said?!

Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband’s gonna say that stuff. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy!

Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isn’t sound proof.

Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her!

[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.]

Tag: Good morning.

Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night?

Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game.

Rachel: Ohh that’s nice.

Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women!

Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women?

Tag: Well kinda old, like 30.

Rachel: (Pause) Oh.

Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night.

Rachel: That’s great! Wow man, so Joey must’ve really taught you some stuff huh?

Tag: A little.

Rachel: Yeah?

(A beautiful women walks up.)

Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doin’?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.]

Joey: See? That’s a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) You’re changing it!

Chandler: I can’t help it!

Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots?

Chandler: Borrow money from me?

Joey: Okay, first—first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), you’re looking down, keep looking down…

Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe?

Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.)

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night.

Joey: Yeah! That guy’s all right!

Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey.

Joey: What?

Rachel: Y’know, all the women.

Joey: Hey well, you can’t teach someone to be good with women. Y’know, that’s why I never had any luck with Chandler.

Chandler: (Pause) I’m right here!

Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it’s just—And I know he’s my assistant and I can’t date him—but it just bothers me, all right?!

Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can’t take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!!

Chandler: I’m still right here!

Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is!

Joey: (shocked) What?!

Rachel: I just don’t want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush—And I will get over it. It’s-it’s not like I love him, it’s just physical! But—I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya!

Joey: I know, Monica told me.

Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?

Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.)

Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.)

Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him?

Joey: I don’t know Rach.

Rachel: Oh, come on! I’ll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts.

Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You can’t take that back!

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.]

Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me?

Joey: I don’t know. You uh, you got something for me?

Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.

(He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.)

Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there’s such a thing as to many women.

Tag: Really?

Joey: Yeah, for you!

[Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for Chandler to make another attempt at taking a good picture.]

Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you are!

Chandler: There I am!

Monica: Are you okay?

Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine.

Monica: What?!

Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!

Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking?

Chandler: I don’t know, but don’t worry, don’t worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look down… (He falls asleep.)

Monica: Chandler?

Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.]

Phoebe: Hi.

Ross: Hi.

Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?

Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay—and F.Y.I she must’ve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass."

Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she should’ve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom.

Ross: Well, I don’t think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that’s just because I am not emotionally unavailable!

Phoebe: You think he’s emotionally unavailable?

Ross: I think he can be.

Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldn’t be she didn’t bring the office home every night!

Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!

Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year’s Eve 1997.

Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!!

Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!

Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a couple has been staring at them.) I’m sorry you had to see that.

[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is entering.]

Tag: Good morning Rachel.

Rachel: Hi! (He hands her, her mail) Thanks, hey so uh what’d you do last night?

Tag: Went out with Joey.

Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of birdogging the chickas?

Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I don’t think I’m gonna do that bar scene anymore.

Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming.

Tag: It’s just not really who I am. Y'know, I’ve always been happier when…Why am I telling you this? You don’t care about this stuff.

Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y’know?

Tag: When I’m in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend.

Rachel: Really?

Tag: Someone I can spoil, y’know?

Rachel: Sp-spoil?

Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone?

Rachel: Well, I-I’m startin’ too.

Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right?

Rachel: Yes! Hell yes!

Tag: All right then, it’s settled.

Rachel: Okay.

Tag: I’m gettin’ back together with my ex-girlfriend.

Rachel: I’d love to!

Tag: What?

Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now they’re not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]

Ross: My God!

Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, how’s Whitney?

Ross: Well maybe she wouldn’t have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was!

Phoebe: Oh he knows! (Quietly) For the most part.

(Kyle and Whitney enter.)

Kyle: Oh hey! Good, you’re both here.

Whitney: We kinda need to talk.

Phoebe: Both of you together?

Ross: Wh-what’s up?

Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyle’s last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing…

Kyle: …we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So… (Pause)

Ross: Oh just say it Kyle!

Kyle: We’re gonna give it another try.

Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?!

Whitney: I’m gonna work on that.

Phoebe: Oh right, because you’re so capable of change.

Ross: (To Whitney) Y’know, he hums when he pees!

Whitney: I do know.

Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.

Whitney: We’re so sorry. (They get up to leave.)

Ross: That’s all right, we-we don’t need you. In fact, hey I’m over it already.

Phoebe: Yeah, and y’know what? I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass.

Kyle: Yeah, we’re gonna go. (They leave.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) I’m sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Y’know, she did try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little.

Phoebe: Oh. Y’know, he hums while he does other stuff to.

Ross: Yeah, were better off without them.

Phoebe: And y’know, even if they break up again, you’d better not let him in your sad men’s club!

Ross: Divorced men’s club.

Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (She’s pronounces potato with the both the short and long As.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.]

Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper!

Phoebe: Ooh, let’s see it!

Chandler: Ahhh.

Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to them.)

Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good.

Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. (The camera cuts to a shot of the picture and we see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of Chandler.)

Joey: Yeah, we look great together.

Monica: Yeah, we really do!

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like!

Joey: Y’know, we don’t have to imagine.

Chandler: I’m marrying her.

Joey: We’ll just see.

End

The One With The Nap Partners

Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch.]

Monica: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I have been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor.

Rachel: Oh my God! This is it! (She and Phoebe hold hands.) (To Phoebe) I really hope it’s you!

Phoebe: I hope it’s you.

Rachel: Me too!

Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and you’re both so important to me…

Rachel: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! Who is it?!

Monica: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a system where we trade of being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine…

Phoebe: Yes!!! Oh!!

Rachel: Hypothetically!

Phoebe: Still.

Monica: If Phoebe were my maid of honor…

Rachel: Uh-hmm.

Monica: Rachel would be Phoebe’s, I would be Rachel’s, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset.

Rachel: Yeah that’s actually a pretty good idea.

Phoebe: Yeah, I’ll do that. So who gets to be yours?

Monica: (laughs) Well that’s the best part. Umm, you guys get to decide!

Phoebe: Wh-why is that the best part?

Monica: Because then I don’t have to!

Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind them overhears Chandler’s name and starts listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that…

Monica: I’m really not deciding!

Rachel: Fine!

(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)

Woman: Excuse me, I-I couldn’t help overhearing, you’re marrying Chandler Bing?

Monica: Yeah that’s right.

Woman: (sarcastically) Huh, good luck!

Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! (To Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video.]

Chandler: Die Hard still great!

Joey: Yep. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature?

Chandler: What’d you rent?

Joey: Die Hard 2.

Chandler: (looking at the tape) Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again.

Joey: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its Die Hard 2!

Ross: Joey, we just saw it!

Joey: And?

Ross: And it’ll be cool to see it again! Yeah!

Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!!

Ross: Dude, you didn’t say Die Hard. Is everything okay?

Chandler: Yeah, I just got uh, got plans.

Ross: Well, John McLane had plans!

Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.

Joey: What are you talking about? Bitch.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is bringing Rachel some coffee.]

Phoebe: Hey Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah?

Phoebe: Umm, when I get married will you be my maid of honor?

Rachel: Really?!

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe! I mean I’m just—Wait a minute. If I’m your maid of honor that means you are Monica’s.

Phoebe: Oh! Well, if that’s what you want…

Rachel: Ohh! No way Phoebe! I want to be Monica’s!

Phoebe: But why does it even matter?!

Rachel: Why does it matter so much to you?!

Phoebe: Because this one is now! And-and it’s two of our best friends! Who knows what you’re gonna marry!

Rachel: What-what if I marry Ross—Or Joey?

Phoebe: (gasps) You wouldn’t! Okay look, Rachel I know you really want to do this, but I-I’ve never been maid of honor to anyone before! And I know you’ve done it at least twice!

Rachel: Yeah but Phoebe…

Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I guess that was it.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. It’s—since you’ve never done it before you can be Monica’s made of honor.

Phoebe: Oh, thank you so much! (They hug.) Okay.

Rachel: I’m gonna marry someone good y’know.

Phoebe: Oh I know.

Rachel: Better than Chandler. (Phoebe exhales as if to say, "Like what isn’t?")

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I don’t think Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And they’re on the same couch. Which means they’re sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasn’t been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. That is unless you’re a Republican in which that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.]

Ross: What happened?!!

Joey: Well, I don’t know!!

Ross: We fell asleep! That is all.

Joey: Yeah. Yep. Yeah. All right, well uh, I’d better go.

Ross: I think that would be best.

Joey: Yeah. All right, I’ll talk to you later.

Ross: Okay. But not about this!

Joey: No! Never! Never! (Pause, then Joey wants to shake Ross’s hand.) Bye.

Ross: No touch! No touch!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just gotten back from brunch and is telling Chandler about it.]

Monica: Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today whey I was at brunch. This woman overheard that I was marrying you and-and then she…she wished me good luck.

Chandler: That’s sweet.

Monica: No, it’s more like a (sarcastically) good luck.

Chandler: So uh, what did this woman look like?

Monica: She was like 30, dark hair, attractive.

Chandler: Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?

Monica: Come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college?

Chandler: No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive… (Thinks a little while.) Hold on one second; let me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo album.

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: Well, let’s see… (Finding the picture he wants.) Okay uh, is that her? (Pointing to the picture.)

Monica: Oh my God yes! Who is she?

Chandler: Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend.

Monica: Did you break up with her?

Chandler: (pause) No, we’re still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.

Monica: Why?

Chandler: Well, ‘cause she came back the third summer and she’d gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow…

Monica: Fat?!

Chandler: I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow…"

Monica: You broke up with a girl because she was fat?!

Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad?

Monica: Well, apparently she does.

Chandler: Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. (Monica is not amused by that statement.) Seriously, good luck marrying me.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Rachel and Phoebe are already there.]

Joey: Hey! What’s going on?

Rachel: Phoebe is gonna be Monica’s maid of honor!

Joey: Hey! Well I hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that girl downstairs, remember? (Phoebe glares at him.)

Rachel: (shocked) You have been maid of honor before?!!

Phoebe: See? This is exactly why you shouldn’t lie!

Rachel: All right that’s it! I am maid of honor!

Phoebe: Na-uh, I am!

Rachel: How come you are?!

Phoebe: Because I cared enough to lie!

Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, I can help you decide who should do it! Yeah, we could have like uh, like an audition and see how you’d handle maid of honor type situations.

Phoebe: What are you talking about?

Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if I’m the best of the people they see, they give me the part.

Phoebe: Okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it?

Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Well, it’s better than us deciding.

Rachel: Oh, come on! This is crazy! Can’t we just flip a coin?!

Phoebe: No! Coins hate me!

Rachel: Okay. Okay fine, y’know what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. (Ross enters.) (In a sexy voice.) Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie.

Phoebe: Hey there, you handsome thing. (Rachel and Phoebe exit.)

Ross: Wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Georgio.

Joey: Hi.

Ross: Just uh, brought back your videos.

Joey: Uh hey look uh Ross, look I think we need to talk about before.

Ross: No! No we don’t!

Joey: Yes we do! Now look, that was the best nap I ever had!!

Ross: I… I don’t know what you are talking about.

Joey: Come on! Admit it! That was the best nap you ever had!

Ross: I’ve had better.

Joey: Okay! When?!

Ross: All right! All right! It was the best nap ever!

Joey: Uh-huh!

Ross: I’ve said it! Okay?! But it’s over Joey!

Joey: I want to do it again.

Ross: We can’t do it again.

Joey: Why not?

Ross: Because it’s weird!

Joey: Fine! Do you want something to drink?

Ross: Sure, what do you got?

Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M. (Ross just leaves.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is approaching the bathroom door behind which Chandler is using the facility.]

Monica: Chandler! (Knocks on the door.) Chandler! I just figured out who you are!

Chandler: Can you figure out what I’m doing?

Monica: You’re Lewis Posin.

Chandler: Who?

Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why?

Chandler: Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?!

Monica: No! But because he thought I was to faaaaa…. (Chandler emerges, without flushing by the way.) And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! Y’know, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie.

Chandler: What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.

Monica: No, I know. But y’know what? It would make me feel better if Lewis apologized to me.

Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]

Joey: Okay, all right, this is how it’s going to work. We’re gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.

Ross: No, 10 is the highest.

Joey: Why is 10 the highest?

Ross: Because it’s the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay, Rachel you’re up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: You’re with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.)

Joey: (crying) I don’t want to marry Chandler!

Rachel: Okay, uh…

Joey: I’ve got cold feet.

Rachel: …it’s gonna be okay!

Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don’t know if I can do it! This means I’ll never get to sleep with Joey!

Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y’know, it’s-it’s just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don’t get to keep the gifts.

Joey: (out of his Monica character) Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I like that!

Rachel: Thanks!

Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel.

Rachel: Thank you judges.

Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass.

Rachel: Oh!

Joey: Okay, Phoebe…

Phoebe: Yes! Your honor?

Joey: We’re now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go!

Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that—(Phoebe screams and tackles him)—Ooh!! Ow! Very good!

Phoebe: Oh!

Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score!

Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!

Phoebe: Hey! Do you want do you want a little taste of Pheebs?!

Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech.

Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven’t pre…

Ross: Go!

Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster’s Dictionary defines marriage as… (Ross and Joey start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh… I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six year olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six year old.

Ross and Joey: Oh! That’s nice.

Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I’ve known them separately and I’ve known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass (Grabs a glass and holds it up) to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.

Joey: Wow. (To Ross) Good speech.

Ross: Yeah, it really was!

Rachel: Aw, thanks!

Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess you’re next (To Joey) although I really don’t see the point.

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, I can’t believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering together, naked. (Raises her glass and drinks.)

(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)

Joey: And she’s back in the game.

[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.]

Chandler: (she opens the door) Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me.

Julie: Hello Skidmark.

Chandler: (To Monica) It’s a nickname, I’ll explain later.

Monica: It’s pretty clear.

Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight.

Julie: That’s why you broke up with me?

Chandler: You-you-you didn’t know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done!

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the results of their election. Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.]

Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for Rachel—Damnit!

Phoebe: Really?! I won!

Rachel: What?!

Ross: I’m sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.

Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I wonder where I’ve heard that before.)

Ross: Actually, it wasn’t that close.

Rachel: No! Y’know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous—We’re gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)

Phoebe: The coins have finally forgiven me!

Rachel: Well y’know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! (Runs out.)

Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, it’s gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!

Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. (Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him.)

Ross: Why-why would I care about that?

Joey: No reason, I’m just saying that uh… That’s where I’ll be.

(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica have returned from Julie’s.]

Chandler: As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I’m going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.

Monica: Why don’t you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn’t have to apologize.

Chandler: I would really love it if could do both.

Monica: All right, I…I have to ask.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?

Chandler: What?!

Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she have gained?

Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds.

Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! That’s not the point.

Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15!

Monica: Well… That’s not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.

Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different.

Monica: How?

Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!

Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I’m gonna look different. I’m okay with that, but I’m not sure that you are!

Chandler: Look you have to realize I don’t think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you’re Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.

Monica: Keep going.

Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you.

Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall?

Chandler: I’d carry you around in my pocket.

Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)

Chandler: Skidmark’s still got a way with the ladies.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping bag.]

Rachel: Hi Pheebs.

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I’m really sorry I was a baby.

Phoebe: That’s ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. (Rachel looks at her.) Oh, you mean today.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and y’know you-you deserve to win. And-and y’know I was thinking about it, if-if you’re Monica’s maid of honor that means I get to be yours.

Phoebe: Oh yeah!

Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, y’know just in case…

Phoebe: Oh that’s so sweet thanks.

Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here’s a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) Y’know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.

Phoebe: Ohh.

Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y’know ‘cause, people cry at weddings. (Starting to cry.) I’m just gonna grab a couple of these.

Phoebe: This stuff is great!

Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica’s something borrowed and it’s blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah…

Phoebe: Y’know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica’s made of honor.

Rachel: You do? Why?

Phoebe: Because I think it means more to you.

Rachel: But Pheebs, y’know you earned it.

Phoebe: Its fine. I mean, this is something that you’ve been thinking about since you were what, 14? (She’s referring to the Halloween picture.)

Rachel: No, I was ten. I just developed early.

Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive!

Monica: (entering) Hey, what’s going on?

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Well, we just decided that Rachel is gonna be your maid of honor.

Monica: (gasps) Ohh, wow! That’s great! (Rachel and Monica hug.) Oh wow! We really have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of really specific ideas! We should probably get together like four times per week. You can come over to my place; we’ll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my place? I’m so excited! (Runs out leaving Rachel completely stunned and Phoebe laughing.)

Rachel: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but she’s gonna be yours. (Phoebe gets suddenly scared.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]

Joey: Great nap.

Ross: It really was.

(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)

Joey: (reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his room leaving Ross.)

Ross: (slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse me. (Exits.)

End

The One With Ross’s Book

Written by: Scott Silveri

Directed by: David Schwimmer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters having just woken up.]

Joey: Morning!

Rachel: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night?

Joey: Pretty good.

Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)

Joey: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I’m late for work.

Rachel: What-what?! You’re gonna leave this person with me?!

Joey: Yeah—Hey, don’t worry, she’s a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I’m not looking for a serious relationship; that’d be great.

Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?!

Joey: Just casually slip it in, y’know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I’m a loner—No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn’t want to get mixed up with the likes of me.

Rachel: Y’know what? That’s a lot to remember, can’t I just tell her you’re a pig?

Joey: Hey, I’m gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He’d even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he’d make extras and leave ‘em for me.

Rachel: Well forget it, I’m not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility.

Joey: Fine! (Pause) Now, where’d we land on those pancakes? (She chases him out the door as his date emerges from the bathroom.)

Joey’s Date: Hi!

Rachel: Hi.

Joey’s Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn’t get that lock to work on the door.

Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.

Joey’s Date: You must be Rachel, I’m Erin.

Rachel: Hi.

Erin: Hi. I don’t mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me?

Rachel: (pause) Would you like some pancakes?

Opening Credits

[Scene: N.Y.U’s University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler.]

Chandler: …Come on! Why are we here?!

Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.

(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)

Chandler: The hot chicks?

Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y’know-y’know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It’s here! Yeah, it’s right-it’s right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)

Chandler: Wow that’s actually pretty cool.

Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, there’s also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?

Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.

(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, let’s just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)

Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) I’m so sorry!

Male Student: Sorry!

Chandler: You didn’t bring me here to do that, did you?

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of food that has been sent back.]

Monica: She sent the chicken back again?!

The Waitress: She says it’s to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.

Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!

(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasn’t taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she can’t be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)

The Colonel: OH…MY…GAWD!!!! (Yep, it’s Janice.)

Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planet’s most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. She’s the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.

Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.)

Monica: I’m fine.

Janice: (notices Monica’s engagement ring) Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I’m blind!

Monica: Oh… Uh…

Janice: So, who’s the lucky guy?

[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s just after Monica has finished telling Chandler what happened.]

Chandler: OH…MY…GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn’t tell her we were getting married, did you?

Monica: Well, she saw the ring.

Chandler: Did she freak out?

Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people.

Chandler: Right.

Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y’know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.

Chandler: (laughs) You said no right?

Monica: Huh?

Chandler: You said no right?!

Monica: Well, she corned me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?!

Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check’s in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can’t wait to read your book Ross!!

Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won’t be so bad.

Chandler: What do you think she’s just gonna sit there quietly? You don’t think she’s gonna want to make a toast? You don’t think she’s gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!

Monica: Oh my God, she’s not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?!

Chandler: Y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. Y’know what? She’s probably not gonna even want to come.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?

Monica: So-so you would’ve just lied?

Chandler: Yes!!

Monica: Would it really have been that easy?

Chandler: Yes!!!

Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because we’re going to dinner with her and Clark.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned is there.]

Joey: Hey! What’s up?

Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey-hey, who’s your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!!

Erin: Hey Joey!

Joey: Erin! Still here!

Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!

Joey: Why wouldn’t ya? Erin is great! Then-then there’s you guys.

Erin: Ohh, listen. I’ve got to get going. Today was great, thanks!

Rachel: I know!

Phoebe: Okay!

Erin: Bye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun.

Joey: Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll call ya.

Rachel: Oh and I’ll call ya too!

Erin: Or I’ll call you!

Phoebe: And call me!

Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.

Erin: Bye.

Joey: Bye-bye.

Rachel: Bye!

(Joey closes the door behind her.)

Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?!

Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m sorry I just couldn’t tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y’know we got to talking and I…

Phoebe: We want you to marry her!

Joey: What?!!

Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea.

Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her here?

Rachel: Cupid.

Phoebe: Joey, she’s so cool. She speaks four languages.

Joey: Man, do you know what guys want!

Rachel: Look Joey, come on she’s so perfect for you! I mean she’s sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.

Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, she’s a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just—I don’t see it going anywhere.

Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that.

Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.

Joey: Look I’m sorry you guys, I-I just don’t think so.

Phoebe: Whatever.

Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)

Joey: Hey, don’t start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? You’re the one who’s in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, you’re the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!

Rachel: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Secret affair!

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!

Rachel: I’m sorry?

Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin’ babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!

Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good?

Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.

Rachel: Yeah, there was. It was—there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read—Yes, there was.

Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it’s like uh-a thing!

Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?

Ross: Oh for cryin’ out loud! (He storms out.)

Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie.

Rachel: Well now what’s the rush?

Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy.

Phoebe: (entering with Erin) Oh. Hey!

Rachel: Well look who’s here!

Erin: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Erin: Joey.

Joey: Erin.

Erin: Hey Rachel.

Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!

Erin: What’s wrong?

Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.

Phoebe: Oh no.

Joey: (skeptical) What party?

Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.

Joey: Who’s birthday party?

Phoebe and Rachel: Allison’s birthday party.

Joey: (still skeptical) Oh, and how is Allison?

Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joey’s not buying it.)

Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute! Why don’t you guys do something?!

Joey: (still skeptical) Yeah, look how that worked out.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.]

Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I’m a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?

The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.

Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss over.)

The Head Librarian: How can I help you?

Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.

The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I’m afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can’t help you.

Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I’m the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I’ll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don’t you follow me!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: How did it go with Erin?

Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time!

Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, you’re not, you’re not mad at us anymore?

Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y’know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous.

Phoebe: Didn’t you sleep together?

Joey: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that’s a…

Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin’ about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please don’t get married before I do.

Joey: Okay.

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]

Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up!

Monica: He might still show up.

Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? It’s been three hours.

Monica: Is that all?

Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don’t you tell about your lovely wedding?

Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it’s going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We’re not even sure why we’re having it.

Monica: It’s actually going to be just family.

Janice: Oh…wait…you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red?

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.]

Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer!

Erin: What about Benitez?

Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series?

Erin: What about shut up?

Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) I’ll be right back.

Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)

Rachel: So how’s it goin’ with Joey?

Erin: Uh, okay.

Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him.

Erin: Look, he’s a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don’t see this having a future.

Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?!

Erin: Kinda.

Phoebe: Then change it back!

Erin: I’m sorry I… It’s just there’s no real spark.

Phoebe: No spark? Didn’t you sleep together?

Erin: Yeah.

Rachel: Ugh, tramp!

Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea?

Erin: I really don’t think he does. And y’know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y’know, tell him I’m-I’m not interested in a serious relationship or something.

Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that you’re kind of a loner.

Erin: Yeah! That would be great!

Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that you’re a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesn’t matter what she said. It’s not important so I don’t need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)

Erin: I’m sorry?

Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isn’t one of the four languages you speak.

Joey: (returning) Hey! You wanna go?

Erin: Yeah, let’s go.

Joey: Okay. See you guys later.

Erin: Bye guys.

Rachel: Yeah, see ya.

Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)

Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here.

Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.

[Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.]

Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you?

Guy: Yeah, we were…we were just looking around.

Ross: Oh-oh, you’re-you’re fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stock’s musings on the Smiledon Californicus?

Guy: Uhh….

Ross: Ah… Ah…Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion’s views on evolution?

Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion’s views far to progressionist.

Ross: I find Marion’s views far to progressionist.

Woman: I’m sorry, who are you?

Ross: I’m a professor here uh, Ross…Geller.

Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It’s uh—Wait! (Grabs his book off of the shelf.) Did you write this?

Ross: Yes! You’re the person who checked out my book?!

Woman: Y’know, you look nothing like I would’ve thought. You’re…you’re so young.

Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade.

[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]

Ross: I am very…very sorry.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: So how was, how was your date?

Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still… And guess what, I’m thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.

Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you?

Joey: No-no-no-no-no! It’s a surprise, but it’s gonna be tricky thought because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.

Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah.

Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she’s not lookin’ for a serious relationship.

Joey: Where are you gettin’ this?

Rachel: Well, she told me. She said she’s kinda a loner.

Joey: Oh. Oh.

Rachel: Joey…

Joey: No hey Rach, it’s cool okay? Y’know I’m a loner too! (Heads for his room.) Right?

Phoebe: Hey Joey, y’know what? You are way to good for her.

Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell ‘em you’re not looking for a relationship.

Joey: No! No. Don’t do that, just next time make sure she really likes me.

Rachel: Well that too. (Joey goes into his room.) Joey?

Joey: Yeah?

Rachel: Do you want some pancakes?

Joey: (coming back out) Finally!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]

Monica: What are we gonna do?

Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper.

(There’s a knock on the door and Janice enters.)

Janice: Chandler?

Chandler: (To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?

Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here?

Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldn’t really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.

Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren’t they?

Janice: Please, it’s because otherwise I really don’t know what I might do.

Chandler: Aren’t you just a tinsy bit curious?

Janice: (starting to cry) Do you have any tissues?

Monica: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom.

Janice: Okay! (She runs for the bathroom)

Monica: We’ll just…we’ll just let her stay.

Chandler: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!

Monica: Kinda like your Barca lounger.

Chandler: Is that what you’re thinking about right now?

Monica: I never stop thinking about it.

Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath.

Chandler: Janice, I’m sorry but umm, you can’t stay here tonight.

Janice: Why not?

Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not.

(And she does the laugh.)

Janice: Okay, I’m going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? ‘Cause it’s already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)

(Chandler does the same nasal sound to Chandler.)

Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go!

Janice: Why?

Monica: Because Chandler still has feelings for you!

Janice: He does?

Chandler: Say again?

Monica: That’s right. That’s right. And that is why you can’t stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn’t come to the wedding.

Chandler: Feelings, such strong feelings.

Monica: I mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can.

Janice: Oh…my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, I’ll go. (Starts for the door.) Good-bye Monica (hugs her), I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, (hugs him) you call me when this goes in the pooper. (Hurries out.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is on patrol and stops a security guard through the stack of books.]

Ross: (to the guard) Don’t sweat it, I’ve got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I’ve got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in people’s eye—(The guard walks away)—Okay, see you later.

(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.)

Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)

End

The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs

Written by: Patty Lin

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

With Help from: Didi Chow

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the kitchen, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the table writing one notepads while Chandler is looking over their shoulders.]

Ross: (entering) Hey everybody! Happy Thanksgiving!

Chandler: No, no, no. No-no-no.

Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe: Shhhh!

Ross: What, are we keeping Thanksgiving a secret this year?

Chandler: No, we're playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all the states in six minutes.

Ross: What? That's like insanely easy!

Chandler: Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least one, or in some cases... fourteen (looks over to Monica).

Monica: It's a stupid game and I wasn't playing against other people, so technically I didn't lose.

Ross: What? You forgot fourteen states?

Monica: Nobody cares about the Dakotas. (That’s true in so many ways, trust me, I’ve lived in one and been to the other.)

[Chandler's watch beeps]

Chandler: Oh, okay, time's up!

Rachel: All right, I got 48.

Chandler: Oh that's not bad, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh, I got tired of naming states. So I decided to list the types of celery, and I have one: regular celery.

Chandler: Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in…vegetables, Joey?

Joey: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler's dumb states game.

Ross: Wow, how many have you got?

Joey: Fifty-six!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross is sitting in the couch doing Chandler's game. Chandler is sitting in his barca-lounger. The girls are in the kitchen.]

Joey: Hey! How is New England not a state? Huh? They have a sports-team!

Chandler: Does South Oregon have a sports-team? (Joey strikes one from his list) There you go.

[Cut to the girls in the kitchen.]

Rachel: (counting the place settings) How come we have one extra place setting?

Monica: 'Cause you invited your assistant.

Rachel: Oh, right. Sorry. But Tag's not coming; his girlfriend came into town, so he's spending Thanksgiving with her.

Monica: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I made him his own individual sweet potato stuffed pumpkin.

Rachel: Well, I was going to, but then I figured, you know... you're food is so delicious and perfect, you can never have too many of those pumpkin things.

Monica: Now you think I wouldn't enjoy that, because it is so fake, (Laughs) but I still do.

Phoebe: Regular Celery! (Starts to write that on her list) Oh, I already have that. (She gets up and heads for her room)

Ross: Done! With time a-to-spare.

Chandler: Oooh that may be a New World's record (Looks at his watch and picks up Ross' pad)

Ross: You know, I hate to lecture you guys, but it's kinda disgraceful, that a group of well-educated adults and Joey can't name all the states. Did you ever see a map, or one of those round, colorful things called "a globe?" Hmm?

Chandler: Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states. (Smiles and hands Ross back his pad)

Ross: What? That's impossible.

Joey: 46. Wow! Who's well educated now, Mr. I-forgot-ten-states?

Monica: All right, I'm out of oven space. I'm gonna turn on Joey's. Please, watch him! Do not let Joey eat any of the food!

Chandler: I am only one man! (Monica heads out) Okay Ross, time is up!

Ross: No, just give me another minute.

Chandler: Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them, okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself.

Ross: This-this is crazy! I can do this! All right, uhh, I bet I can get all 50 before dinner.

Chandler: Okay, but if you can't…no dinner!

Ross: You're on!

Joey: (gets up) All right. Don't look at my list, Ross, 'cause there's a lot on there that you don't have.

Monica: (entering, to Joey and Rachel) Hey, did you guys know, that your oven doesn't work?

Joey: But the drawer full of take-out menus is okay, right?

Monica: Ross, I'm gonna use yours, okay?

Ross: Pshhshhh!

Monica: Chandler? Can you give me a hand? (Grabs her jacket)

Chandler: Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment.

Joey: Don't worry, Chandler, it's not a globe of the United States.

[Chandler and Monica head out with some stuff. Phoebe comes out of her room with a bag.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys I'm gonna go out and take a walk.

Ross: Phoebe, why is your bag moving?

Phoebe: Oh, it's not!

Rachel: Seriously, it's moving!

Joey: What the hell is in there?

Phoebe: It's just my knitting that's all! (A dog sticks its head out of Phoebe's bag. Everyone looks puzzled.) Yes! I knit this. I'm very good.

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Chandler enter.]

Monica: Ross’s apartment is nice! How come we don't hang out here more often?

Chandler: I don't know. Maybe it's because it smells a little weird. It's like old pumpkins or something.

Monica: That's my pie!

Chandler: Which smells delicious!

Monica: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Chandler: What?

Monica: We left Joey alone with the food! (Walks towards the window and looks out) Yep! Yep, I knew it! There he is... feeding stuffing to a dog!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Ross is still doing his list. Rachel and Joey are feeding the dog as the phone rings.]

Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hi Geller-Bing residence. How can I help?

Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment?

Phoebe: I'm sorry, who's this?

Monica: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my couch!

Chandler: Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue!

Phoebe: No, there's no dog here?

Monica: Yes there is! He's black and white and shaggy and [Cut to Monica’s apartment] he's sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand.

Phoebe: Oh my god! Where are you? (Looks around.)

Monica: I'll be right there!

Phoebe: (Phoebe hangs up and someone knocks on the door. She gasps.) They're here already? How are they doing this?

Rachel: (gets up and opens the door) Hi Tag! What are you doing here?

Tag: I, uh, wanted to see if your offer to spend Thanksgiving with you is still good.

Rachel: Well, sure! Come in! (He enters) Well, what-what happened to your girlfriend?

Tag: We kinda broke up this morning.

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry.

Tag: Yeah, so she went back to Ohio.

Ross: Ohio!! Thank you!

[Time lapse, Chandler and Monica enter.]

Chandler: Huh! Where is the dog?!

Ross: What dog? There-there's no dog here.

Joey: Yeah that dog left!

Monica: (walks to Phoebe's door) Phoebe! Phoebe, open up!

Phoebe: There's no dog in here.

[The dog barks.]

Chandler: Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking!

Phoebe: No that's just me coughing! (Doing some weird coughing noises and the dog barks again. Phoebe comes out of the room.) Oh, good, there you are! Listen, um, I have a dog in my room.

Chandler: What is it doing here?

Phoebe: Well, I'm watching it for some friends who went out of town. Wait. (She bends down, picks up the dog, and waves with one of its paws) Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?

Monica: Oooh, I wish she could stay here, but Chandler is allergic!

Chandler: Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up!

Phoebe: That's odd, 'cause this dog's been living here for the past 3 days

Chandler: (gasping) Really?

Monica: Chandler, if that dog's been here that long, and you haven't had a reaction, maybe you're not allergic to this dog?

Chandler: Well, it still has to go, right?

Monica and Phoebe: Why?

Chandler: Okay, it's um…

Joey: (interrupting him) Don't do it!

Monica: Don't do what?

Chandler: (to Joey) I have to! Okay? It's time! (Joey shrugs as if to say, "Do what you have to do") Okay, I hate dogs.

All: What?

Phoebe: Are you crazy?

Ross: Are you out of your mind?

Phoebe: Why?

Joey: Told ya. (Waves bye-bye.)

Chandler: They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can't tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit.

Ross: Right, they are scary. (He jumps up, screaming) Ahh, she just ate a treat out of my hand!!!

Rachel: Wait a minute. Do you not like all dogs? I mean, not even puppies?

Chandler: (scared) Is there a puppy here?

Tag: You don't like puppies?

Chandler: (to Tag) Okay, you are new!

Joey: Look, Chandler, I told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. It's like Ross not likin’ ice cream.

Phoebe: You don't like ice cream?

Ross: It's too cold.

Chandler: Okay, it's just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable.

Ross: (to Phoebe) It hurts my teeth.

Chandler: And I don't wanna say this, I don't you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. (An awkward silence ensues.) Oh my god!!

[Time lapse, Ross is still doing Chandler's game. Tag is heading for the balcony.]

Ross: How can I not get this? I'm a college professor; I got 1450 on my S.A.T.s.

Monica: 1250.

Ross: Damn, I forgot you were here.

Phoebe: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to Ross’s. We'll be back in a minute. (Gets up with Monica to do so.)

Rachel: Oh, wait before you guys go, can I just ask you a question?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move?

Phoebe: Oh, I'd say about a month.

Monica: Really? I'd say 3 to 4.

Joey: Half hour. (Rachel turns to look at him and he nods yes.)

Rachel: Interesting.

Monica: When it's your assistant, I would say never.

Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point.

Rachel: Huh. A moo-point?

Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.

Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?

Monica: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would you look at him? He-he’s obviously depressed. He's away from his family; he's spending Thanksgiving with strangers.   What he needs right now is for you to be his friend.

Rachel: You're right, I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay, that's what I'm gonna do.

Joey: Fine! Take their advice. No one ever listens to me. When the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.

[Cut to the balcony, Tag is looking down while Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

Tag: Hey.

Rachel: How are you holding up?

Tag: Not bad.

Rachel: Yeah? I'm sorry about your girlfriend.

Tag: Thanks.

Rachel: So were you guys together a long time?

Tag: A year. On and off. I kinda thought we'd end up together. I don't anymore.

Rachel: Now that she broke up with you?

Tag: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah. Hmmmm.

Tag: It's weird. I always used to assume, that I would meet someone and fall in love and be happy and all that was just a given. But lately it's like what if it's not. Do you ever have that feeling?

Rachel: No…Yeah, all the time, constantly. It's terrifying. But you know that I figure it…it has to work out.

Tag: Why?

Rachel: Because, uh—it has to.

Tag: You have all the answers, don't you?

Rachel: Yeah, I know, I do. I really do.

Tag: Hey, thanks for talking to me.

Rachel: Well, what is a boss for? Hug it out! (They hug)

Joey: (through the window) All right, he likes you back! Huh? Told ya, you should go for it!

Tag: What?

Joey: (realizes what he said) Street noise drowned any of that out? (Rachel moves madly towards him) No, all right, I see you later, okay... (Turns away embarrassed)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Balcony, continued from earlier.]

Tag: What did Joey say? I like you back?

Rachel: Uh, yeah, well, see, he… Joey knows, that I'm-I'm very insecure about my back and, and…you're hugging me, so obviously you are not repulsed by it, yeah!

Tag: Wait-wait a minute; that doesn't make any sense.

Rachel: No? (He shakes his head) All right, here's the truth um, Joey said what he said, because um, I'm attracted to you.

Tag: Wow. (He starts to walk towards the railing.)

Rachel: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you, and uh, and, and I know that's crazy because we work together, and-and nothing could ever happen, and the last thing I want to do is-is to freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Which is why it would be really great if you said something right about now.

Tag: (looking at the street) Oh my god! Those guys are stealing my car! (He points down to the street)

Rachel: What?

Tag: Right there! That's my car! (Sound of a breaking car-window) Hey!!

Rachel: Okay, that's gonna take them a minute. Do you have anything else you wanna get off your chest?

Tag: I can't believe this! (He walks back in again)

Rachel: (she hurries after him) Wait, we still have time to talk and they’re-they're not even in the car yet! (She takes a quick look down the street.) Oh look, there they go, okay. (She hurries in, too)

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Phoebe sitting on the floor next to Clunkers basket.]

Monica: Okay Phoebe, we should probably go back now.

Phoebe: (doing Clunkers) Please don't leave me, I'll be lonely.

Monica: Stop it. Stop! Okay let's go. We can be strong.

Phoebe: Yeah, okay.

[They both get up and head for the door. Clunkers whines a little]

Monica: Oh my god! Did you hear that? She said Monica! (She goes back to Clunkers again) Oooh, I can't leave her!

Phoebe: You know if you want, we can sneak the dog back in and Chandler wouldn't even know.

Monica: That's not gonna work.

Phoebe: I've had that dog there for three days and Chandler had no idea. He's not so smart.

Monica: Hey! I didn't know either.

Phoebe: Yeah, but you kinda knew that something was going on, didn't you?

Monica: Yeah, I knew.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross lays a lot off small papers, shaped like the U.S. states onto the floor making a map with the states. Phoebe enters]

Phoebe: Where's Chandler?

Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Here I am.

Phoebe: Wash your hands!!!

Chandler: How did you…know? (Heads back into the bathroom)

[Phoebe waves Monica in. Monica sneaks in with the bag with Clunkers in it and heads for Phoebe's room.]

Ross: Hey! What's she doing back here?

Monica: Relax, Ross. She's not made of ice cream!

Ross: Hey look, Phoebe. I, uh, I laid out the states geographically...

Phoebe: (interrupts him) No, no, we don't really have time for this right now. Okay, we have to keep Chandler away from my bedroom.

Ross: Yeah, but, but look what I'm...

Phoebe: See, this is exactly what we do not have time for. (She rushes into her room)

Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Where's Monica?

Ross: Um, in Phoebe's room. You can't go in there.

Chandler: Why not?

(We can hear the dog whining at a high pitch.)

Ross: Monica's crying. She's very upset about this whole Clunkers thing.

Chandler: Well, I, I should go in there.

Ross: No. No, no. She doesn't want to see you right now.

Chandler: Why not?

Ross: Because you sent away the dog!

Chandler: This is ridiculous. (He heads for Phoebe's bedroom)

Ross: Oh, is it? Is it? Look, when Monica and I were kids, we had a dog named Rover. And, uh, one day, my dad decides, he doesn't like dogs. So Monica and her friend…Phyllis…take away the dog. And that was the last time we ever saw him. Don't you see? This is just like that. Only with a few details changed.

Joey: (entering) Okay, I'm in my sweat pants. Bring on the food! (Sees that Chandler has a worried look on his face) What's the matter?

Chandler: Monica's all upset, because I sent Clunkers away.

Joey: So? Bring the dog back, you're a hero.

Chandler: Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that. I could, I could do... I, w-w-what if, what if it attacks me?

Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.

Chandler: And that doesn't scare you? (He walks out)

Joey: Ross, you need some help?

Ross: From you? (He does a weird desperate laughter, like he's almost crying) Yes, please!

Joey: (sits down next to Ross) First of all, Utah? Dude, you can't just make stuff up!

[Time lapse, Ross still laying a lot out the states.]

Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving.

[Joey stands up again. Rachel enters the door]

Joey: Hey! Tag's still talking to the police.

Rachel: Yeah, ohh! Why, damnit, why did I open my mouth? (In a girlish voice) I have a crush on you; I am attracted to you. (Back to normal again) Gee, I-I know that I freaked him out

Joey: If you said it like that, you probably did, yeah.

[Rachel walks past Joey towards the couch]

Phoebe: (opens her bedroom door and peeks out) Hey, is Chandler here?

Chandler: No, no he went for a walk.

Phoebe: Okay, but you cannot tell him... but look whose back!

[The dog barks, runs out of Phoebe's room and jumps onto the couch]

Rachel: (gasps) Hi!

Joey: Oh No-no-no-no-no-no-no! He went over to Ross' to bring the dog back here!

Phoebe: Oh no, the dog's not going to be there!

Joey: You think?

[The door opens and Chandler comes in. Rachel covers the door with a blanket]

Monica: Hi, honey.

Chandler: Please, please, please, don't be mad at me.

Monica: What? Why, why would...

Phoebe: (interrupts her, to Monica) Shh, wait and see. Maybe we will, maybe we won't.

Chandler: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Y’know, for you, and…(Clears his throat) I left the door open and she must have gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain. (Points up and then over to the street)

Phoebe: We have good news, look whose back!

Rachel: (uncovers the dog) Hi!

Chandler: Clunkers?! Oh my god!

Monica: That's right, she came back all by herself.

Phoebe: It's a Thanksgiving miracle!

Chandler: (to Clunkers) It is so good to see you!

Phoebe: Yeah, she came all the way back from Ross' building. Oh, the things she must have seen! And then she climbed up the fire escape and she tapped on the window with her teeny little paw and then we ran to let her in…(Realizes, that Chandler starts to not believing her) I went to far, didn't I? When should I have stopped?

[Time lapse, after dinner. Ross stands up from his self-made map.]

Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something.

Chandler: It's up to you.

[Ross whines and starts working again. The door opens and Tag enters.]

Rachel: Oh, hi! How are you doing?

Tag: I'm okay. I gotta go down to the police station and look at mug shots.

Rachel: Oh.

Tag: Thanks for having me over, you guys.

Ross: Tag? Y-You're going? (Comes over to Tag) Uh we didn't, uh we didn't get the chance to talk. Uh, so, where did you say you're from again?

Tag: Colorado.

Ross: Ah, what good are you. (Walks back to his map dejectedly.)

[Rachel and Tag go into the hall.]

Rachel: Look, um, I think we should talk about what happened on the terrace.

Tag: Okay.

Rachel: Ah, I-I never should have said what I said. It—y’know what? It just doesn't matter how I feel. I mean we work together, so nothing could really ever happen between us, and what I would love is just to go to work on Monday, and-and never talk about this again, okay? Big day Monday lots to do. So, we're okay?

Tag: Um, I'm not.

Rachel: Oh, god, I know it, that I freaked you out.

Tag: No, you didn't. The only thing that freaked me out was you saying that nothing could ever happen between us.

Rachel: Really?

Tag: Yeah, so, please don't fire me for doing this. (He kisses her)

Rachel: Okay, well, that's one less thing we have to do on Monday.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, later that night, there is someone knocking on the door and Chandler stumbles out into the living room, turns on the light, looks through the peephole, and opens the door.]

Ross: Delaware! (Starting to cry.) Delaware!

Chandler: All right.

Ross: (hands Chandler his pad and walks in) I want my turkey now!

Chandler: You got it. (Starts looking at the pad, while Ross got the turkey out of the fridge and starts to unwrap and it) You got Nevada twice.

Ross: (pauses) I know.

Chandler: Yeah. (Throws the pad on the table and heads for the bedroom)

End

The One With All The Candy

Written by: Wil Calhoun

Directed by: David Schwimmer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are they also.]

Ben: (on the bike) I’m ready!

Ross: You sure?

Ben: Uh-huh!

Chandler: Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there. (Does so.)

Ben: (To Chandler) Thanks daddy.

Ross: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, it’s all yours. (Ross pushes him off.)

Chandler: Okay. Okay.

Ross: Yes! Yes! Yes!! (Everyone stands and claps.)

Phoebe: His first big kid’s bike, this is so exciting!

Monica: Oh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was my sixth birthday, my dad took me to the park, I got it, and…it bent.

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own.

Ross: (shocked) What?!

Phoebe: Well, we didn’t have a lot of money. But the girl across the street had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on.

Chandler: That sounds like my first bike. (They all turn and look at him.) My dad gave me his old one.

Ross: Ohh.

Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it?

Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. (They’re all speechless) So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard.

Ross: That is so unfair!

Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too! (They all nod, "Oh.")

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is cooking, Joey is eating, and Chandler is entering from the bedroom.]

Chandler: Hey! What are you guys doing?

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Making holiday candy for the neighbors.

Chandler: I’m sorry, who?

Monica: I’m gonna hang this basket (Points to the one sitting on the table) on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece.

Chandler: But we don’t know the neighbors.

Joey: I do. There’s uh, let’s see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids I’ve Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty.

Monica: See? This is exactly why I’m making this candy. We can learn their names and get to know our neighbors.

Chandler: Wouldn’t it be easier if we just moved?

Rachel: (entering, happily) Gooood morning!!

Chandler: Eh, somebody’s in a good mood!

Rachel: Well, why shouldn’t I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job!

Monica: Where you can make out with your assistant.

Rachel: Come on, it’s not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem.

Monica: Oh yeah, what’s the plan?

Rachel: (pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly) We… We are not… …going to let it… be a problem.

Monica: Wow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?!

Rachel: Well y’know, we did other stuff too. (Joey and Chandler start to giggle.)

Monica: Did you two…

Rachel: Oh Monica come on, y’know I don’t sleep with guys on the first date!

Monica: Matt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire…

Rachel: Anymore!!

Monica: Okay.

[Scene: Rachel’s Office, she’s at her desk while the mailman delivers her mail and calls Tag in.]

Rachel: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct?

Tag: Yes, at 4:00.

Rachel: Okay, thank you. That’ll be all. (The mail guy leaves and Tag starts to follow, but Rachel stops him.) (Excitedly) Wait! Wait! (Rushes over and closes the office-door.) Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us. (They kiss.)

Tag: I’d better get back to my desk.

Rachel: Okay, you hard worker! I’ll remember to put that in your evaluation.

Tag: My what?

Rachel: Well, you’ve been here for two months now and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation. But y’know, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate. (She turns around and sweeps the stuff off of her desk and hops up onto it.)

Tag: Are you serious?

Rachel: No, I’ve just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this up?

[Scene: The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are returning and Monica finds her basket is empty.]

Monica: The basket is totally empty! My God, the neighbors ate all the candy!

Chandler: Well, either that or uh…(Motions towards Joey’s door.)

Monica: Joey!!

(She storms into his apartment to find him with a towel around his shoulders, a bowl on his head, and Phoebe with scissors in her hand.)

Joey: Yeah?

Monica: Did you eat all the neighbor candy?!

Joey: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces left!

Phoebe: Yeah, and they’ve been coming by all day. They love it!

Monica: They love my candy? Oh man!!! I’ve gotta go make more!! (Starts to do so.)

Joey: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something might’ve happened to a huge chunk of it.

(Ross enters.)

Monica: Ross! The neighbors ate all my candy!!

Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! It’s like a crime wave!! (Monica runs to make more candy.) Pheebs, you uh, you got a second.

Phoebe: Sure!

Ross: Yeah, ever since you uh, told me that story about that bike I-I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I mean, everyone should have a-a first bike, so…

(He goes out into the hall and re-enters with a bike exactly like the one Phoebe described earlier.)

Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God Ross!!

Ross: You like it?

Phoebe: I love it!!

Ross: Yeah?

Phoebe: Ohh!! Ohh!! And I love you!

Ross: Ahh.

Phoebe: Not that way! But the bike brought you a lot closer!

Ross: Ah! (She hugs him.) Well uh-uh, t-take it downstairs, y’know give it a test ride.

Phoebe: Okay! Oh my God! My first bike! Thank you for the best present I’ve ever gotten.

Ross: (stunned at the complement) You’re welcome.

Phoebe: (starts to leave, but stops) Oh and Chandler’s about to cry.

Chandler: (about to cry) Am not!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the middle of the night, there is someone knocking on the door and Monica and Chandler get up to answer it.]

Monica: (turning a light on) Who is that?!

Chandler: Don’t worry, I’m brave! I am brave! I…I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please?

The Knocker: My name is Gary, I live upstairs.

(Monica opens the door.)

Gary: Hi!

Monica: Hi. Do you know what time it is?

Gary: It’s candy time! My roommate says that they taste like little drops of heaven.

Monica: Oh please! (To Chandler) Did you hear that? Little drops of heaven.

Chandler: (laughs) 4:00 A.M.

Gary: So, can I get some candy?

Chandler: I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work! (Monica looks at him) (To Monica) He does not know that I am not some of us.

Monica: Umm, listen I am sorry, but I’ll put some out first thing in the morning.

Gary: Well okay, I’ll swing by later. Do you live in this building?

Monica: Um-hmm.

Gary: (looking at Monica.) Mm! Seems like I would’ve remembered you!

Chandler: Mm! Night Gar’! (Monica closes the door.)

[Scene: Rachel’s Office, she’s slinking out to where Tag works and checks to make sure no one is coming.]

Rachel: (hugging him) So did you read your evaluation yet?

Tag: No! It was marked confidential I just sent it down to Human Resources.

Rachel: (worried) Okay please, you’re kidding right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you!

Tag: A joke they would appreciate?

Rachel: I’m thinkin’ no.

Tag: What did you say?!

Rachel: Umm, I said I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like your tiney-tiny touchie.

Tag: No, not my touchie.

Rachel: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies on her bike outside.]

Monica: Ross! That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike! When I heard the story, I almost cried.

Joey: Almost cried huh? Hear that Chandler? Almost cried!

Chandler: Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic!

Joey: (about to cry) Those two only had each other!

Ross: Phoebe really likes the bike huh?

Monica: Oh yeah! I saw her walkin’ it down the street the other day. She had uh, these flowers in the basket. It was so cute.

Joey: Yeah, I saw her this morning walkin’ it by the park.

Ross: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times?

[Cut to outside, they’re going to talk to Phoebe about walking the bike.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh hi!

Chandler: Hey! So are you enjoying the bike?

Phoebe: Ohh, uh-huh so much!

Ross: Pheebs you uh…you do know how to ride a bike don’t you?

Phoebe: Of course!

Monica: Umm, can we see you ride it?

Phoebe: Okay. (The gang is giggles then Phoebe gets the bike out of the rack, gets on, pushes off, rolls a few feet, and falls over.) See?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy while Chandler and Rachel are taste testing and Joey is on the couch doodling.]

Monica: See, this is why I told you never get involved with your assistant! And here is no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to affairs. (To Chandler) Did you hear that Chandler? No such thing!

Chandler: (with his mouth full) What happened? I’m just eating candy.

Rachel: Maybe it’s not as bad as I think. Y’know, maybe they didn’t take it the way I meant it.

Chandler: Absolutely! Y’know, because touchie can mean both ass and good worker.

Rachel: Ugh, I just gotta get the thing back!

Joey: Hey Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Joey: That sketch you mentioned? Might it have looked a little something like this? (He shows her what he’s been drawing.)

Rachel: Oh my God! Joey!

Chandler: What is the matter with you?

Rachel: Ugh!

Joey: Boy I tell ya, this little talent came in handy before I could afford porn.

(There is a knock on the door and Monica answers it. There is a woman standing there.)

The Woman: Hi! I’m sorry, I know it’s after hours but I really need candy.

Monica: I’m sorry, I can’t help you. See? (Points to her new sign.) Rules are rules.

The Woman: Please! I have people coming from out of town today! And, I told them all about your candy!

Monica: No kidding, out of towners huh? What did you tell ‘em?

The Woman: I told ‘em your candy is absolutely indescribable!

Monica: Some people have been saying its y’know little drops of heaven, but whatever.

The Woman: Please, can’t you help me out?

Joey: (watching the discussion) Hey Chandler, do we know that lady?

Chandler: Maybe, isn’t she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?

Monica: (still talking to the woman) All right, I’ll do it just this once! But you can’t tell anybody!

The Woman: (exasperatedly) Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me!

Joey and Chandler: Yeah, that’s her.

The Woman: (after Monica gives her the candy) Thank you.

Monica: (closing the door) It’s unbelievable! I-I can’t believe that sign didn’t work!

Chandler: Y’know what would work?

Monica: Hmm?

Chandler: Stop making candy!

Monica: But they like it!

Chandler: You mean they like you.

Monica: Maybe.

Chandler: Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you?

Monica: Oh, you really want to talk about getting people to like you huh, funny man? (Joey laughs but stops when Chandler turns to glare at him.)

[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Phoebe how to ride her bike.]

Ross: Okay, now just remember everything I taught you and you’ll be fine. Okay? Here we go. Ready…Set…

Phoebe: (hopping off the bike) Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Yeah, maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane seat—or a beanbag chair!

Ross: Phoebe, you can’t get out of this! Okay? You have to learn how to ride a bike!

Phoebe: Why? Why do I have to learn?

Ross: Well…In-in case of emergency.

Phoebe: What kind of an emergency?

Ross: Well let there—what if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says, "You ride this bike or I’ll sh…I’ll shoot you."

Phoebe: Okay, I would ring the bell to distract him and then I would knock the gun out of his hand with a Chinese throwing star.

Ross: Okay, Phoebe just-just get-get on the bike and—Hey! I’ll hold you up and-and push you. Okay?

Phoebe: You won’t let go?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: Swear?!

Ross: I swear!

Phoebe: (thinks it over) Okay.

Ross: Come on. (She gets on the bike.) All right, here we go. All right? (They start.)

Phoebe: All right.

Ross: All right. Feel good?

Phoebe: Well…

Ross: All right, try pedaling.

Phoebe: Okay. (Does so.)

Ross: That’s it, your doing great.

Phoebe: Okay.

Ross: Doing great! Yes-yes-yes! Take control! Yes!

Phoebe: Weee!!! (Ross pushes her and lets go.)

Ross: Yes!! Yes!!! (He starts clapping and Phoebe turns around to look at him and falls off the bike.)

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh no!! You swore!

Ross: I-I just thought you were doing so well. I…

Phoebe: I am shocked! Shocked!! (She storms off leaving Ross to defend himself from the angry looks from onlookers.)

Ross: It’s a legitimate learning technique. (Looking around and seeing the woman behind him glaring at him.) Wow!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy like mad as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey, there’s uh, some people outside, askin’ about candy.

Monica: Well, they’re just gonna have to wait aren’t they? I’ve only got two hands!!

Ross: Need some help?

Monica: No! You don’t know the system! There’ll be nobody messing with the system!

Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebe’s room.)

[Cut to Phoebe’s room, Phoebe has put her helmet on one of her teddy bears and is playing around with it. Ross knocks and pokes his head in the door.]

Phoebe: (seeing him) Oh, hello liar.

Ross: (entering) Look, I-I’m really sorry I let go of the bike.

Phoebe: I could’ve been killed I hope you know!

Ross: I know. I know. But, can we please try it again? Huh? I mean, you were so close Phoebe!

Phoebe: Well, I would love to but…the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects. (Ross just happens to have his hand on a sheet that is covering something that suspiciously looks like a bike.)

Ross: Phoebe.

Phoebe: What?! (Ross rings the bell.) What the hell?!

Ross: All right, y’know what? If you are not going to learn how to ride this bike then I’m sorry, I’m just gonna have to take it back.

Phoebe: What?! Why?!

Ross: Because! Because, it-it-it’s… It’d be like you having this guitar (Points to hers) and-and never playing it. Okay, this guitar wants to be played! And-and this bike wants to be ridden and-and if you don’t ride it you-you’re-you’re killing its spirit! (Pause) The bike is dying.

Phoebe: All right. If you care enough to make up that load of crap, okay.

Ross: Great! Great! (He runs to the door.) You’re making the bike very happy.

Phoebe: (sarcastically) Okay Ross! (Ross exits and she says quietly to the bike) Please don’t die!

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Tag and her are planning how to get the review back.]

Rachel: Okay, I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it, but we’re gonna have to get into Mr. Zelner’s office. Now, he doesn’t get in until 10, so he’s no problem, but his assistant, Betty, she comes in early to eat her breakfast at her desk.

Tag: That’s kinda sad.

Rachel: Yeah, well Betty’s kinda sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates. (Holding up the box of chocolates.) Now, while I distract her, you get in the office.

Tag: Got it!

Rachel: Let’s roll!

(They start towards the door but are stopped when Mr. Zelner enters.)

Mr. Zelner: Hello Rachel, you uh, got a minute?

Rachel: (worried and shocked) Yeah, sure Mr. Zelner, for you anything—minute. Okay. Fine. (To Tag) Abort the plan, abort the plan. (She start to usher Tag out.)

Mr. Zelner: Uh actually, I’d like to speak with both of you.

Rachel: Okay. Uh, well can we, can we get you anything Mr. Zelner? Maybe some chocolates? (Holds up the box.)

Mr. Zelner: Umm, no. Thanks, but I’ll give these to Betty. (Rachel glances at Tag to say, "See?") So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full name, Tag Sweetcheeks Jones. Is something going on with you two?

Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God. Can you imagine if there was?! I mean, (getting serious) what would happen exactly.

Mr. Zelner: Well, I’d be forced to file a report. I’d have to consult with the legal department, and your future at the company would be in jeopardy.

Rachel: Well…

Tag: (interrupting) Uh Mr. Zelner, I’m the one who filled in that evaluation.

Rachel: Oh no-no-no…

Tag: (interrupting again) Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I thought it would be funny.

Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a cute touchie?

Tag: (pause) Yes. I have a weird sense of humor, and I’m kinda strangely proud of my butt.

Mr. Zelner: It’s kind of a risky joke Tag, and what is-what is this drawing I can’t figure out what this is?

Rachel: You’re lookin’ at it upside down—y’know what? (Grabs the evaluation and throws it out.) It doesn’t matter.

Mr. Zelner: Yeah, it’s not like I don’t have a sense of humor, huh? Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But there’s a time and a place, huh?! Unless you uh, have a limerick right now? (They both nod no.) No? Okay, well uh, you’ve (Grabs the chocolates.) got my fax number. (Exits.)

Rachel: Whoa! I can’t believe you did that. That was really sweet.

Tag: No, don’t worry about it.

Rachel: No, you could’ve lost your job.

Tag: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, I’d find work.

Rachel: Thank you! You’re great! (They kiss.)

Tag: Y’know what?

Rachel: What?

Tag: I feel great. (Rachel laughs) In fact! (Walks over to her desk, sweeps its contents onto the floor and Rachel just glares at him.) What?

Rachel: I… It just—it took me so long to get that desk organized.

Tag: Oh, I’m sorry. (He bends over to pick the stuff up.)

Rachel: (looking at his butt) There it is. (They hug.)

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is returning from work to see the hallway jammed full of people waiting outside their door.]

Chandler: (asking a man leaning against the wall) What is going on?

The Man: We’re waiting for the candy. (Yelling at the door.) Bring out the candy!

Joey: Yeah lady! Give us candy!!

Chandler: Joey!

Joey: What’s up buddy?

Chandler: What are you doing?

Joey: Waiting for candy.

Chandler: Get in here! (They head for the door and Chandler sees Smokes-A-Lot Lady standing next to the door and smoking, to her) Hey, and you can not smoke in here! (Takes the cigarette and takes a drag for himself.) (Exhaling in ecstasy) Merry Christmas.

Monica: (opening the door and frantically) Okay, guys! The candy is coming; I just need another 15 minutes for the chocolate to cool!

All: We want candy! We want candy now! (And other general commotion sounds.)

Chandler: All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! (They settle down) What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and I’ll bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right?

The Man: (from earlier) Candy Lady?

Chandler: No not (imitating) Candy Lady.

Joey: (stepping in and knocking the man over) Hey, if we know it can we have candy?!!

Chandler: All right, y’know what? Forget it, all of you forget it! You’ve ruined it! Go home! You’ve ruined it! You’ve ruined it!

Joey: That’s right, it’s all ruined! You guys ruined everything! You ruined it! (Steps into the apartment and Chandler closes the door.) (Joey struts over to the candy and starts eating it.)

Monica: (To Chandler) Thank you.

Chandler: You’re welcome. (They kiss.)

Monica: Did you smoke?

Chandler: No! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Eh-uh—are you okay?

Monica: I’m fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a-a threatening note under the door.

Joey: (with his mouth full) Oh yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever, I don’t know… (Grabs the note.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Park, Phoebe is now riding her bike with ease and stops in front of Ross. They both giggle.]

Phoebe: I can’t believe it! I did it! I rode a bike! I never thought I’d be able to do that! Thank you Ross.

Ross: Oh hey, don’t thank me, thank yourself. You’re the one who faced her fears and ultimately overcame them.

Phoebe: Don’t be so corny Ross, it’s not an after-school special. (She rides off and the camera pans down to reveal two shiny, silver training wheels firmly attached.)

End

The One With the Holiday Armadillo

Written by: Greg Malins

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the kitchen.]

Chandler: Buh-bye. (Hangs up the phone) I just got us reservations at Michelle’s and tickets to the Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple.

Monica: Betrothed… (Corrects him)

Chandler: …betrothed couple.

Phoebe: (entering carrying a skull) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel and Monica: Hi!

Phoebe: Haaaa... (Puts the skull on the table) ... ahhhh!

Chandler: Pheebs?

Phoebe: Huh?

Chandler: Skull?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's.

Rachel: (freaking out) Oh my god!!

Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not! It's not my mom. It belonged to mom. Yeah, no, she used to put it out every Christmas to remind us, that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And, you can put candy in it. (She grabs the skull, pulls out a stick of licorice, and takes a bite.)

Ross: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Monica: (Offering Ross the skull) Licorice?

Ross: (Thinking it over) Sure! (Takes one) Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this year.

All: Ohh! That's great!

Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?

Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.

Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.

Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.

Ross: Hmm.

(Joey comes out of the bathroom reading a newspaper)

Joey: Hey. (He exits)

Rachel: (to Monica) Did you know he was in there?

Monica: No.

Chandler: How long have we been home?

Monica: About a half an hour.

Chandler: Lovely!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting a cup of coffee and sits down next to Monica.]

Chandler: Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Why not?

Monica: Bing's weird.

Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey, you guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey. Guess what! My landlord just called and my apartment is gonna get ready soon, so I guess I'll be moving out.

Monica: Ahh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you!

Phoebe: Yes, you will be very sad. All right, well I gotta go tell Rachel the good news.

Chandler: Ohh! You guys gonna be living together again?

Phoebe: Yeah, why not?

Chandler: Well, she's just so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with him.

Phoebe: Why do you think, she's having so much fun living with Joey?

Chandler: No reason, except…she…told…me.

Phoebe: Really? So she said, she didn’t wanna live with me anymore?

Chandler: No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica now.

Monica: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you.

Phoebe: You're sure? You're absolutely sure?

Monica: Well, no. But, um, I bet she probably does.

Phoebe: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. (Chandler and Monica look surprised) Kind of what ‘probably’ really means. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, oh, "Your mom probably won't kill herself," y’know? I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on-on "Probably!" Y’know? You gotta take care of yourselves! (She starts to walk out) In this world history teaches us nothing! (Exits)

Chandler: Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is sitting behind a red drum set.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey! Great, you’re home! Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas! (Starts drumming.)

Rachel: Drums?

Joey: (yelling) No! Drums!

[Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica enter.]

Chandler: (to the Maitre d') Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please? (Laughs.)

Monica: I'm sorry. But not that sorry, 'cause you don't have to live with it. Um, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing.

Maitre d': Oh-kay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.

Chandler: Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Musicman at 8:00.

Maitre d': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.

Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing?

Monica: (pulling Chandler away from the Maitre d') You need to give him money.

Chandler: Give him money? It was a joke!

Monica: No, to get a table! Places like are always shakin’ you down. Everybody wants to be paid off.

Chandler: Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip him some money.

Monica: You've got to be smooth about it.

Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to the Maitre d', very smoothly) Listen, we're a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it. (Shakes his hand)

Maitre d': Of course, sir.

Chandler: Okay. (Walks back to Monica)

Monica: How did it go?

Chandler: Had the money in the wrong hand. (Shows her his left hand with the money in it)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is whirling Ben around.]

Ross: Wooooooo, hehehe. Hey, ahh, you don't feel like you're gonna throw up, do ya?

Ben: No.

Ross: Well, I do, so let's... (Ben and Ross sit down on the couch) So, Ben, you uh, you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya?

Ben: Christmas.

Ross: Yep, and you know what other holiday is coming up?

Ben: Christmas eve.

Ross: Yes, but also (Pauses to let Ben answer, but he doesn’t.) Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.

Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly!

Ross: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.

Ben: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells...

Ross: (interrupts him) Okay, that's right, yes, but on Hanukkah, uh, we sing, uh (Sings) Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.

Ben: (singing) Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer...

Ross: (interrupts him again) Okay, it's not a contest.

Ben: When is Santa coming?

Ross: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?

Ben: No Santa? Was I bad?

Ross: No! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad, you've been very good, Ben.

Ben: Santa's mad at me.

Ross: No, hey-hey, come on, (He grabs Ben and sits him on his lap) Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy!

Ben: So Santa's coming?

Ross: (disappointed) Yes! Santa's coming!

[Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica are discussing how to bribe the Maitre d'.]

Monica: It's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money!

Chandler: How do you know so much about this?

Monica: I don't know.

Chandler: Richard used to do it, didn't he?

Monica: We'd be eating our soup right now.

Chandler: Mustached bastard…

Monica: (sees two people exit) Okay, those people just left, come on! Quick! Give him the money and get their table!

Chandler: (walks up to the Maitre d') Excuse me...

[Chandler can't find his money in the pocket. In the meantime, another couple shows up, and Chandler turns away to look for his money]

Male Guest: (to the Maitre d') Good evening. (Shakes his hand)

Chandler: (finds his money) Ahh-hahaha! (Turns around to give the Maitre d' his money, but he isn't there anymore)

[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs and hears drumming coming from Joey and Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing.]

Rachel: (stopping at Phoebe’s entrance) Ha!

Phoebe: So you like the drums! That's, that's great! Y’know, I was worried, that, you know, they would maybe an unbearable living situation. All right, okay, well, apparently not! So, yay!

Joey: Hey-hey, Pheebs, check it out, we already learned a song. (To Rachel) Ready? One, two, three, four...

[Rachel hits some tom-toms and ends up on the 'crash'-cymbal, which is in fact a ride-cymbal, but whatever...]

Rachel and Joey: Tequila!!

Phoebe: That's fun. (She exits disappointedly.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Chandler and Monica coffee.]

Gunther: Here you go.

Chandler: Thank you Gunther, put it there. (He gets up, and shakes Gunther's hand. A bunch of coins fall out his hand. He sits down next to Monica.) Definitely not easier with coins. (Joey gets up and picks up the coins. Chandler thinks, Joey is just helping him to pick them up.) Thank you.

Joey: Thank you. (He gets up and puts on his jacket.) (Phoebe enters) Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Here. (Gives her the coins) Now I only owe you $49.50.

Chandler: Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey! (she sits down next to him)

Chandler: If you wanna give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a vile of small pox to release in the hallway?

Monica: It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I have to hear, "Oh my eye! Oh god, my eye!" I mean, it is so annoying.

Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.

Monica: Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live there anymore?

Phoebe: Maybe on some level.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind the drums wearing safety goggles, hitting them with his sticks as Rachel watches.]

Rachel: Joey, y’know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air.

Joey: What is Rock 'n' Roll about that?

Phoebe: (entering with an aquarium covered by a towel) Hey, Joey, I got you another present. (She puts it on the counter)

Joey: Oh wait, before you tell me what it is! (He plays a drum-roll) Okay, what is it?

Phoebe: It's a…tarantula! (Joey almost falls down from his drum-stool jumping up) Oh! God! Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage?

Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them! (Looks into the cage) Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool?

Joey: Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I got, hey! (He storms into his room)

Rachel: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula.

Phoebe: (sarcastic) Ah, yeah, he's so adorable, God, he's just so much fun, Joey is the best, I'm glad you're having so much fun here. (She turns around, about to leave)

Rachel: What? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter?

Phoebe: Our apartment is ready.

Rachel: And that makes you angry because…

Phoebe: Because you would rather live here with Joey.

Rachel: Where did you get that?

Phoebe: Monica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here. And apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.

Rachel: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Hm?

Rachel: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out!

Phoebe: (nods along) Fish!

Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates; that's the deal.

Phoebe: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me, but okay, if you're having so much fun over here…

Rachel: Oh, it's so much more fun with you.

Phoebe: We did have fun, didn't we?

Rachel: We did!

Phoebe: Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight.

Rachel: Oh, I would love to!

Phoebe: Yay, okay!

Rachel: Good, good, good, good, good. (She runs to the drums and gets the sticks)

Phoebe: Great, all right, okay, and Monica ask me to make the drumming stop.

Rachel: (with the sticks in her hands) Um... (She goes to the tarantula-cage and puts the sticks into it) Done!

[Scene: Halloween Adventure, a costume shop, there is a salesman behind the counter, Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Salesman: Hello, Sir. You're here to return those pants?

Ross: No, these are my pants.

Salesman: Oh. Okay! How can I help you?

Ross: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left?

Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.

Ross: Okay look, do-do, you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him, um, come on, I…uh, you gotta have something.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just opened the door for Ross who is costumed as an Armadillo. Ben is standing next to her.]

Ross: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you (Points to Ben) a Merry Christmas!

Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?

Ross: (to Monica) Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.

Monica: Wow, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from…Texas.

Ben: Texas?

Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. (He tries to bend down to pick up the bag with the presents, but can't because of the costume) Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents.

[Monica picks up the bag, while Ross closes the door and hits Monica with his tail. They walk into the living room, and Monica empties the bag.]

Ben: Wow! Thanks!

Ross: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas, ooh, and Happy Hanukkah!

Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part-Jewish.

Ross: (gasps) You are? Me, too!

Monica: Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert?

Ross: (to Monica) You wanna wander in the hall? (to Ben) Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the festival of lights?

Ben: Cool!

Ross: Yeah!

Monica: Come on Ben.

[Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.]

Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...

Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)

Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)

Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?

Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird…turtle-man?

Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?

Chandler: What?

Ben: Did you bring me any presents, Santa?

Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!

Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo, and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence, I never thought I'd say.

[They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices]

Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?

Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!

Ross: Thank you, but, but you gotta leave.

Chandler: Why?

Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you’re wrecking it.

Chandler: But I didn't get to shape my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

Ross: I'm sorry, Chandler but this, this is really important to me.

Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.

[Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.]

Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)

Chandler: Santa? Really?

Monica: Yes, is that okay?

Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Then it's okay! (They kiss.)

Ross: Okay Ben, Santa has to go. Say good-bye!

Ben: No! Why does he have to go?

Chandler: Because, if Santa and the Holiday…Armadillo? (Ross nods) ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas!

Ben: No! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want Santa!

Ross: Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay.

Chandler: Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?

Ben: Okay, Santa!

(Ross mouths to Chandler, "Thank you," and he mouths, "You’re welcome," back.)

Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.

[Joey enters in a Superman-costume]

Joey: (entering wearing a Superman costume) Merry Christmas!

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, they are entering to check out the newly refurbished apartment.]

Rachel: Oh wow! Look at this place!

Phoebe: Oh, this is terrible. Oh, they’ve made so many changes I can’t even feel my grandmother’s presence anymore—Ooh! New sconces!

Rachel: (yelling from another room) Oh my God!

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: (returning) Okay, remember uh, remember how you told me that your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: And remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord would find out and then tear it down?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: Do you really not know where I’m going with this? (Phoebe nods, "No.") It left! It’s one huge room!

Phoebe: Oh no! (She runs to see.) (Running back, excitedly) Oh! Wow!!!

Rachel: See?

Phoebe: Well, I guess we’ll just have to put the wall back up.

Rachel: You can’t, because of the new skylight!

Phoebe: There’s a skylight?! (Runs to see and yells from the bedroom.) Wow!!

Rachel: So what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place?

Phoebe: (returning slowly) Y’know I’m-I’m sensing that um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that.

Rachel: Oh yeah? Startin’ to feel her again there are we?

Phoebe: A little bit, yeah.

Rachel: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?

Phoebe: You heard her too?! You have the gift!

Rachel: Phoebe, it’s okay. I like living with Joey.

Phoebe: Are you sure?

Rachel: Oh please, I hate packing, it’s closer to work, and we do have fun. Although, I’m really gonna miss living with you.

Phoebe: Oh me too.

Rachel: I know. (They hug.) Oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? Listen, I’m gettin’ something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment you should give Rachel the purple chair?

Phoebe: No, I do not hear that.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Santa (Chandler), Superman (Joey), Ben, and Monica are listening to the Holiday Armadillo (Ross) finish telling the story of Hanukkah.]

Ross: …and the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should’ve just lasted just one day, burned for…

Ben: (answering him) Eight whole days.

Ross: That’s right, and that’s why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end.

Ben: Awesome!

Ross: Yeah?

Chandler: My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (Glaring at Joey who’s nodding.)

Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay Ben, it’s time to light the Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica, Ben, and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the menorah to light the candles.)

Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!

Phoebe: Oh.

Rachel: (seeing the collection of characters.) Wow! It looks like the Easter Bunny’s funeral in here.

Ross: Come on, come on, we’re-we’re-we’re lighting the candles!

Rachel: Oh.

Phoebe: Oh.

(They both go over to light the candles.)

Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny’s funeral?

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the door on the tarantula cage.]

Rachel: I got it!

Joey: (yelling from the bedroom) Is it back in the cage?

Rachel: Its back in cage!

Joey: Cage closed?

Rachel: Joey, would you just come out here and stop being such a baby!

(Joey throws open his door and stands there still in the Superman costume then slowly makes his way to the bathroom while keeping both eyes on the cage.)

End

The One With All The Cheesecakes

Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

With Help from: Aaron Howard-Miller

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake. The box it came in is also on the table.]

Chandler: Ohh. Mmm.

Rachel: (Comes in the front door and walks towards the kitchen.) Hi.

Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake.

Rachel: Oh, y’know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I—(Chandler puts a forkful of the cheesecake in her mouth.)—Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to look at the label on the box.)

Chandler: (nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us.

Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. (Gasping) Thief.

Chandler: I—no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box.

Rachel: Why, why not?

Chandler: Because it's too delicious.

Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong.

Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma’s Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I’m a horrible, horrible, horrible person.

Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh, I’m sorry what?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Rachel is there as Joey gets up and starts putting on his coat.]

Joey: All right, I should get going, big day a work. Y’know I’m in a coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out I’m not brain dead.

Chandler: So…

Joey: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, it’s just not my character that’s not brain dead. Hey, so Pheebs, we still on for tonight?

Phoebe: Absolutely!

Joey: I’ll see you at 8:00.

Phoebe: Okay. (Joey exits.)

Chandler: Oh, what’s at 8:00?

Phoebe: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys.

Ross: Wow, did not know that! May I say how lovely you look today?

Phoebe: Duly noted.

Ross: Thanks. (Phoebe gets up to get a refill.) (To Monica) Oh! So for tomorrow, do you want to rent a car and drive down together or what?

Monica: What are you talking about?

Ross: Cousin Frannie’s wedding, its tomorrow night.

Monica: You were invited?!

Ross: No.

Monica: My God, I can’t believe this! I mean I knew that mom and dad were invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9 Frannie and I were inseparable!

Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie’s made some new friends.

Ross: Well l-look okay, it’s probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail.

Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that y’know when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadn’t have stopped her, there probably wouldn’t even be a wedding to go too.

Ross: Y’know, she tried to undress me too.

Chandler: I used to undress my cousin Glenn. (Monica looks at him then sushes him.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are playing Monopoly as Phoebe enters angrily.]

Phoebe: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?!!

Rachel: Umm, I think he’s still out. What’s wrong?

Phoebe: Well, I’ll tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this note. (Hands it to Rachel.)

Rachel: (reading the note) "Pheebs, can’t make it, got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy." (Laughs) Big Daddy?

Phoebe: Oh that’s a nickname we were trying out.

Ross: Hey, y’know what nickname never caught on? The Ross-A-Tron! (Monica shakes her head in disgust.)

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Oh! Here’s Joseph Francis!

Joey: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note!

Phoebe: So what?! That doesn’t give you the right to ditch me!

Joey: Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for sex!

Ross: Phoebe he’s right, that is the rule.

Phoebe: I don’t accept this rule. When me make plans, I expect you to show up. Okay, I can’t just be a way to kill time ‘til you meet someone better! Y’know boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this (Motions that their friendship) is for life!

Joey: Wow! I’m so sorry; I had no idea it would bother you this much.

Phoebe: Well, it does.

Joey: Okay, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh? I’m sorry. (They hug.) How about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! I’ll pay for myself!

Phoebe: Okay, you wore me down.

Ross: Hey Joe, while you’re over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron?

Joey: The Ross—Is that back?!! (Chandler motions no.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters to find Chandler staring at another cheesecake box.]

Rachel: Hi!

Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!

Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, what’s the problem?

Chandler: I can’t seem to say goodbye.

Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more?

Chandler: Well I’ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?!

Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling… (Pause) Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva!

Chandler: (closing the box) Y’know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.

Rachel: Yeah and we’ll drop it off downstairs so that we’re not tempted.

Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?

Rachel: Momma’s Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Joey are there. Joey is reading a newspaper.]

Joey: Awww! Mel Torme died.

Monica: Joey, that paper’s like a year old!

Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goody’s sale is over?!

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasn’t a mistake. Ahh, there’s-there’s limited seating in the hall.

Monica: Limited seating?! (Screechingly) I am just one tiny person!

Ross: Well yeah, but she doesn’t know that. I mean, the last time she saw you-you would’ve turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling.

Monica: (disgusted) Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! That’s not the reason she’s not inviting me!

Ross: Oh what’s the big deal?! I wasn’t even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and y’know what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then we’ll-we’ll leave early as a sign of protest.

Monica: Joan?

Ross: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. She’s an assistant professor in the Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad backed!

Monica: Wait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and guest?! I wasn’t invited and you got "and guest?!"

Joey: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross’s behalf. I-I think the rule applies here y’know, since she has a chance to get on broad back…

Ross: (interrupting) Not broad backed!

Monica: Wait a minute, y’know, you’re bringing me!

Ross: What? I can’t cancel on Joan!

Monica: Why not?!

Ross: Bec—Did you not hear me?! She’s an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, okay? They’re wild! Why do you want to come anyway?

Monica: Because! She’s my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! We’re family y’know? Well that’s important to me.

Ross: Okay, all right, I’ll take you. I’ll go call Joan. (Does so.)

Joey: Aww that’s nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life.

Monica: (laughs) We’ll see.

[Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachel’s building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch.]

Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch.

Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didn’t pay, I thought you paid!

Chandler: So apparently we just don’t pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see?

Rachel: (gasps) Its still there! (The cheesecake they returned to Mrs. Braverman is still lying in front of her door.)

Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.)

Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she’ll be gone for months.

Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don’t want her to come back to bad cheesecake.

Rachel: No that could kill her.

Chandler: Well, we don’t want that.

Rachel: No so we’re protecting her.

Chandler: But we should take it.

Rachel: But we should move quick.

Chandler: Why?

Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there.

Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take off upstairs.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are entering. As Phoebe is sitting down, she recognizes someone sitting at the counter.]

Phoebe: (gasps) (whispering) Oh my God! That’s David!

Monica: David who?

Phoebe: David the scientist guy, David that I was in love with, David who went to Russia and broke my heart David!

David: (noticing Phoebe) Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh, you say someone’s name enough, they turn around.

David: Phoebe?

Phoebe: David! (He kisses her cheek) What-what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in Russia?

David: Yeah, I’m just, I’m just in town for a conference. Umm, God you look phenomenal!

Phoebe: Well… Yeah. You look great too. Did you get a haircut?

David: Yeah. Well I-I got like thirty of them.

Phoebe: Yeah.

David: Umm, look I-I-I got a confession to make…

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didn’t know whether I should call or not, y’know I-I was only in town for a few days. And y’know, I didn’t want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you and—but I didn’t know if you wanted to see me.

Phoebe: Well, of course I would want to see you. I…I think about you all the time.

David: Really? Because I think about you all the time.

Phoebe: Really?

David: I mean, there’s a statue in Minsk…

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-it’s actually of Lenin. But, y’know at certain angles…

Phoebe: Yeah.

David: Umm, anyway…Do you want to have dinner tonight?

Phoebe: (excited) Yes! Oh no!

David: (disappointed) Oh. Uh, what?

Phoebe: I can’t. I can’t believe I have plans, I can’t. Can you do it tomorrow night though?

David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well listen, y’know, next time you’re in Minsk umm…

Monica: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go over and talk.)

Monica: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Well, I have plans with Joey tonight.

Monica: So! He’ll understand!

Phoebe: No he won’t. And that’s not even the point! Monica, I made a whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! And now y’know what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I don’t have my principles, I don’t have anything!

Monica: God, you are so strong.

Phoebe: Or! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at 9:00!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Chandler are eating the cheesecake right out of the box.]

Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so good!

Chandler: I’m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I’ll regret it.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: (seeing what they’re doing) What do you got there?

Rachel: Oh it’s umm, it’s tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.)

Chandler: What are you doing tonight?

Joey: Huh? Uh… (He starts taking off his pants.)

Chandler: Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.)

Joey: Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry. Uh, I’ve got those plans with Phoebe, why?

Chandler: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00.

Joey: What?! Tonight?!

Chandler: That’s what Monica said.

Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think she’s trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy!

[Scene: Cousin Frannie’s Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are entering and finding their table.]

Ross: Oh here, I think this is us. (Reading the name cards.) Yeah.

Monica: Limited seating my ass. Let’s see who made the cut. (To the couple sitting to her right.) Hi!

The Wedding Guest: Hi!

Monica: I’m Monica Gellar. Who do you know the bride and groom?

The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie.

Monica: Used to work with her. Used to! I’m a relative and I didn’t get invited! A blood relative! Blood!!

Ross: (To Monica) Stop saying, "Blood" to strangers.

Monica: (to the couple on her left) So, how about you huh? How do you know the happy couple?

The Second Guest: We went to college with both of them and now we live next door.

Monica: Okay, you’re fine.

[Scene: Iridium Restaurant, Phoebe and Joey are looking at the menus as the waiter comes to take their order.]

The Waiter: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

The Waiter: Are you guys ready?

Phoebe: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and water’s fine.

The Waiter: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

The Waiter: (To Joey) And for you sir?

Joey: Yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talkin’ here?

The Waiter: It’s uh, it’s already been roasted.

Joey: Ohh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again.

Phoebe: Oh Joey, we’ve heard the specials three times! Okay? There’s prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu and hands it to the waiter.)

The Waiter: Actually we’re out of the lobster ravioli. (Putting Joey’s menu under his arm.)

Joey: Oh well, that changes everything! (Grabs his menu and starts looking at it again. The waiter leaves.) Y’know what Pheebs?

Phoebe: Huh?

Joey: You were right before. I mean, friends are so important.

Phoebe: (checking her watch) Yeah, I’m very wise. I know.

Joey: Y’know-y’know what I really want?

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. Y’know? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up.

The Waiter: (returning) Any progress?

Joey: Yes! I will have the lobster ravioli.

Phoebe: God Joey, this is taking forever!

Joey: What’s the rush? What?

Phoebe: W-w—I just—it’s that—I have—y’know I have-I have an appointment. And it’s very important.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, what is it?

Phoebe: Well… It’s a date.

Joey: A date?! No, no Pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because I know you wouldn’t schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend!

Phoebe: Come on Joey, don’t make me feel badly about this.

Joey: No, I’m gonna!! That’s right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin’ out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! And now Pheebs, you’re doing the same thing!

Phoebe: That—It’s not the same thing! This is totally different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Okay, he’s very special to me.

Joey: Okay, well my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist too!

Phoebe: She was?

Joey: Well, she graduated from high school!

Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Y’know what? I don’t have time have time to convince you because he’s only here for four hours, and I’m gonna go see him! (Gets up and leaves.)

Joey: Fine!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: Fine!

Phoebe: Yeah! (She exits.)

Joey: (to the waiter) What are you still doin’ here?! I told you, lobster ravioli!

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is running up to meet David.]

Phoebe: Hey!

David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didn’t think you were coming.

Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn’t miss this.

David: Well, I’m very glad you’re here. (Kisses her hand.)

Phoebe: Oh, you’re such a gentleman. (Grabs his arm.) Come on! We’re going to my place! (Drags him off to her place.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating the cheesecake and Chandler enters and catches her in the act.]

Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?!

Rachel: (with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.)

Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!

Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are desert stealers! We are living outside the law!

Chandler: Y’know what? I don’t trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I’m takin’ it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.)

Rachel: What?! What?!

Chandler: Oh yes!

Rachel: Wait a minute!

Chandler: Oh yes!

Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don’t!

[Cut to Chandler and Monica’s as they enter.]

Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes!

Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! We’re gonna split it! You take half and I take half!

Chandler: Well that’s not fair, you’ve already had some!

Rachel: What? Oh, well then y’know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.

Chandler: What do we use to split it?

Rachel: Okay! (Grabs a knife and cuts it in half.) All right, pick a half.

Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh… There’s more crust on this side. Y’know? So, maybe if I measured…

Rachel: Oh for God sake just pick a piece!

Chandler: All right, I’ll pick that one. (Points.)

Rachel: That’s also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don’t come crying to me if you eat your piece to fast. (As she’s saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!!

Chandler: (gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh!

Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece.

Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don’t come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my… (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)

[Scene: Cousin Frannie’s Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, alone as a woman approaches.]

The Woman: Ross, sweetheart!

Ross: Oh, hey Aunt Millie.

Aunt Millie: Isn’t it a beautiful wedding?!

Ross: Yes, yes it is. It’s uh… (Aunt Millie uses this opportunity to grab Ross and kiss him on the lips. After she leaves Ross quickly wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?!

(Cousin Frannie and her husband enter.)

Monica: Here’s Frannie. Hmm, won’t she be happy to see me? (Starts to get up and great Frannie.)

Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn’t bring you here so you can ambush her.

Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom.

Ross: That bitch! (He gets up and they go over to ambush Frannie. Monica taps on Frannie’s shoulder.)

Frannie: (turning around) Monica! What…

Monica: Am I doing here? Why? Surprised to see me? Ross brought me. How do you like that?!

Ross: (to Frannie) Hi Frannie, congratulations.

Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me?! Why?! What—Why wouldn’t you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done?! (Frannie’s husband walks up.) Stuart!

Frannie: I believe you know my husband.

(Monica is shocked into silence.)

Ross: So it’s really a question of who could you have possibly done.

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, David has a cab waiting to take him to the airport and he’s saying goodbye to Phoebe.]

David: Oh, I hate this but I-I-I have to go. I-I can’t miss my flight.

Phoebe: Are you sure? I’ll bet there’s another flight to Minsk in like…

David: July. Umm, (He speaks Russian.)

Phoebe: That’s really beautiful. What does it mean?

David: Please, clean my beakers. I don’t get out of the lab much.

Phoebe: That’s good. I got to admit, I thought it was something else.

David: Yeah, I… Well I really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably shouldn’t because y’know, I…have to leave.

Phoebe: You’re right! You’re right. Don’t say it.

David: I-I do though.

Phoebe: I do too. (They kiss.)

David: Bye Phoebe. (He gets in and the cab drives off. Joey walks up and witnesses that event.)

Phoebe: (seeing him) Okay, now’s not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow.

Joey: No! No! No Pheebs, I’m not gonna yell at you. I just y’know, started thinking about you and David and I…remember how bummed you were the first time he left. And I just… Oh Pheebs, come here. (He hugs her.) Are you okay?

Phoebe: No I’m not okay. The only guy I’ve ever been crazy about has gone to Minsk and I may never…I may never see him again. (Crying.)

Joey: Hey, y’know you could always visit him.

Phoebe: Oh right, like they’re gonna let me have a passport.

Joey: Anything I can do? Whatever you need.

Phoebe: Well—But—Now, if-if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles y’know before he does, then he can come back. (They hug again.)

Joey: I can give it a shot.

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.]

Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it!

Chandler: Stick to your side!

Rachel: Hey, come on now!

(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)

Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin’? (Starts digging in.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Cousin Frannie’s Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave.]

Monica: Oh wait I forgot my wrap.

Ross: What? Oh, okay. Wait here. (Goes to get it, but before he gets there Aunt Millie sits down on it forcing him to pull it out from behind her which gets her attention.)

Aunt Millie: Hi sweetie! Are you leaving?

Ross: Well…

Aunt Millie: Give us a kiss. Come on! Come on!

(Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around and kisses him on the lips again.)

Ross: Why?! Why on the lips?! (He wipes his mouth on Monica’s wrap and walks off, leaving Aunt Millie stunned.)

End

The One Where They’re Up All Night

Written by: Zack Rosenblatt

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Building’s Roof, the entire gang plus Tag are there to look for a comet. They’re looking for a comet on a roof of a New York apartment building. Yeah, that’s realistic. You might as well look for the moon on a bright sunny day.]

Monica: (looking up) Ross, when’s this comet thing start?

Ross: Well, technically it seven billion years ago… (Well, technically you’d be able to see it for days, well nights; that is if you could see it with all of the bright lights of New York.)

All: (groaning) Oh no! Oh no! (They all start to get up a leave.)

Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, I’ll stop! No teaching, okay? We’ll just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. (Comets don’t streak across the sky, meteors do.) Okay? Who’s official name is Bapstein-King.

All: Okay! Okay! (They start to leave again.)

Phoebe: (looking up) There it is! Oh, look at that! Isn’t Mother Nature amazing?

Chandler: (looking up with her) That’s a plane!

Phoebe: Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that’s pretty amazing too.

Tag: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here.

Rachel: No. No, you can’t.

Tag: What?

Rachel: Oh I don’t-I don’t know.

Ross: Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can see what? Five of them from the city?) Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Joey: (looking through his binoculars at a nearby building) Y’know what else makes you wonder?

Ross: Huh?

Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns around to point it out to Ross and finds that Ross is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his binoculars to his eyes and starts looking for the comet.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Roof, continued from earlier.]

Monica: Okay, we’ve been out here for two hours and we haven’t seen any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandler’s getting chilly. (She walks over to where Chandler is bundled up in a big coat and shivering.)

Chandler: (with a quivering voice) No, I’m not!

Joey: Then why are you wearing Monica’s jacket?

Chandler: Because it’s flattering! (Shivers harder) Come on Monica! Come on Monica! (He goes inside.)

Rachel: Yeah actually, I think we’re gonna take off too. We rented a movie.

Phoebe: Oh! I won’t say, ‘no’ to a movie!

Rachel: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone.

Phoebe: Shh! Get me out of here.

Rachel: Oh. (They leave, leaving just Joey and Ross.)

Joey: (whispering) Ross!

Ross: What?

Joey: Come here, check this out!

Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joey’s standing.)

Joey: No! No-no. Look, there’s a bug stuck in tar right here. (Bends down to get a closer look.)

Ross: Joey come—I can’t believe—I bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of nature’s most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman!

Joey: (standing up) Y’know, there’s two women dude.

Ross: Show me where?

Joey: Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them through a piece of pipe.)

Ross: (noticing the pipe and looking at the door) Joey where’s the pipe that was holding the door open?

Joey: (annoyed) I don’t know! (Goes back to looking through the pipe.) (Pause) Yeah, I do.

Ross: Joey!

Joey: What?! All right—Hey! Don’t look at me! You’re the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet!

Ross: It’s called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!

Joey: (covering his ears and yelling) Oh no! No! No! (He starts banging on the door.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, Monica is sleeping and Chandler’s sitting in bed, wide awake.]

Chandler: (whispering) Monica!

Monica: She’s sleeping.

Chandler: I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon?

Monica: Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duval, Armageddon is what’s going to happen to you if you wake me up.

Chandler: Sorry, I just…can’t sleep. Ooh! (Turns on the light and Monica groans.) Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I look at that cover I’m like…(Fake snores.)

Monica: It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin.

Chandler: What?! (Monica kicks him in the shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and heads into the living room.)

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is a beeping noise coming from the living room and Phoebe sleepily goes to investigate.]

Phoebe: (crossing her fingers and closing her eyes) Please don’t be a space ship. Please don’t be a space ship. (She turns on the light and looks around and finds that it’s the smoke detector that’s beeping.) Oh thank God! (She moves a chair over and starts to investigate how to make the beeping turn off, in frustration she yanks the thing off of the wall. She sets it down and heads for bed, just as she gets there it beeps again. She opens the cover and removes the battery, but it still beeps.) How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can…

Smoke Detector: Beep!

Phoebe: Don’t interrupt me!!

[Scene: The Roof, Ross and Joey are banging on the door.]

Ross: Rachel!! Monica!!

Joey: Come on!

(Ross gets fed up with Joey’s banging and stops him by pulling him away from the door.)

Ross: I can’t believe this!!

Joey: All right well, y’know…I guess we know what we have to do to get down.

Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we don’t have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! We’re stuck up on the roof and we can’t get down!!!

Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. (Points it out.)

Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasn’t finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But don’t worry! We’re gonna go down the fire escape!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Chandler has a jug of milk in his hands and decides to make some warm milk. He opens up the cabinet to get a pot and manages to knock several other pots onto the floor making a lot of noise.]

Chandler: Shhhhhhhhh!!! (Monica enters) I’m sorry, I thought maybe I’d make some warm milk and it would help me sleep.

Monica: With a wok? (Chandler’s holding a wok.) I thought you were going to read my boring book to put you asleep.

Chandler: It got interesting! Damn you Oprah!

Monica: Here, let me make the milk, I’m up anyway.

Chandler: Hey, y’know what we can do? Y’know, now that we are up? We can just like talk to each other all night long, y’know like we did when we were first going out. It’d be fun!

Monica: Okay that does sound like fun.

Chandler: Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh?

Monica: The second sister dies?!

Chandler: (Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading.

Monica: The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest?

Chandler: That’s correct.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Tag are making out on the couch.]

Rachel: You wanna go in the bedroom? It’s a little more comfortable.

Tag: Sure.

Rachel: Okay. (They start to head for the bedroom) Oh wait! Umm, did you send those contracts to Milan?

Tag: If this is your idea of sexy talk? (Shakes his head that it’s not working.)

Rachel: No seriously, y’know the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them?

Tag: What contracts?

Rachel: Okay please tell me that this is just one of your jokes that you do that I don’t get.

Tag: Like what?

Rachel: Y’know, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? (He starts laughing.) Tag! I’m serious! This isn’t funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today!

Tag: Rach, I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me any contracts!

Rachel: Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it that said, "Must go out today," and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in the corner because I didn’t want to seem to bossy.

Tag: I’m telling you, you never gave them to me.

Rachel: Y’know what Tag, if we went down to the office you would see those contracts sitting on your desk.

Tag: No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk!

Rachel: Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on the phone with your crotch!

Tag: You wanna go down to the office right now?

Rachel: No! Come on its late, we’re not gonna go down to the office.

Tag: Okay I understand. (Sits down.) I wouldn’t want to be proved wrong either.

Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and sticks the hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work!

[Scene: The Fire Escape, Joey and Ross have reached the last landing. Joey is tugging on the ladder that extends to the ground, but it won’t budge.]

Joey: All right, it won’t go down any further. It’s stuck.

Ross: Ugh. Well, we’re just gonna have to jump. (Joey looks at him.) Yeah. Now, we’re gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there…you go up to the roof and you let me in.

Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?!

Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, you’ll be fine! It-it’ll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y’know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won’t.

Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete?

Ross: Well, I’m gonna lie to you Joey, it’s a possibility.

Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I don’t know Ross! I-I tell you what, let’s flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?

Ross: Oh, all right. (Joey flips the coin.) Tails! (The coin bounces off of the landing above them and falls to the ground.) Can you-can you see what it is?

Joey: No.

Ross: Okay. Well, you be careful.

Joey: What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! I’m not jumping! Okay, look I have an audition tomorrow and I can’t go if I break my leg.

Ross: Well I’m jumping! I have a son! Okay? He won’t have a father if-if I die!

Joey: Well all right so, it looks like we’re even!

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is still investigating the smoke detector trying to figure out how to stop the beeping.]

Phoebe: Okay. So, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here. (She points at each as she says it.) Okay so, to get the beeping to stop all I have to do… (She picks up a shoe and proceeds to pummel the smoke detector. She then gets up and heads to bed, stops, quickly turns around, and is satisfied that the beeping has stopped.) Well done, Pheebs. (She resumes her trek to bed, but is stopped at the entrance to the hallway by the now steady and extremely loud tone emanating from the smoke detector.) (Yelling.) What do you want from me?!!!!!!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Monica is entering with a mug.]

Monica: Okay, here’s your milk. What do you want to talk about? (She sees that Chandler has fallen asleep and slams the door loudly to wake him up.)

Chandler: (startled) What? What? What?

Monica: Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping sweetie? I’m sorry. Here. (Hands the mug of milk to him.)

[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, Tag and her are arriving.]

Tag: Okay! Feel free to look, but I’m telling you those contracts are not on this desk.

Rachel: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what I’m talking about! You have to be organized! You’ve got newspapers! You’ve got magazines! You got—Ohh! (Finds a picture.) And who is this chippy? A little young for you Tag, but whatever.

Tag: It’s my sister.

Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway y’know what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes into her office.)

Tag: So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the afternoon?

Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto her desk and finds the folder with the Post-It on it that contains the contracts she imagined she gave Tag) that said, "Must go out today." So you just keep looking in there! All right?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Rachel’s outer office, Tag has finished searching his desk and Rachel comes out to try to plant the folder on the desk.]

Tag: It’s not here.

Rachel: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why don’t you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there?

Tag: How could I have left them in the copy room?

Rachel: I don’t know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? Okay? It’s not a perfect world! Just go please.

Tag: Fine.

Rachel: Thank you. (He leaves and she proceeds to plant the folder in his bottom drawer. She then picks up the phone and holds it to her breasts.) Hello? (Hangs up the phone.) I still don’t get it.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler has his eyes closed, while Monica is fully awake.]

Monica: Are you still awake?

Chandler: Yeah! You?

Monica: You do know that was me who just said that right? (He doesn’t respond and she turns on the light, waking him.) Hey. As long as we’re both up…

Chandler: (intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.) I hope you’re not thinking about cleaning the living room.

[Scene: The fire escape, Joey and Ross are still trying to figure out how to get down.]

Joey: Man, I’m starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! "Do you want soup or salad?" Both! Always order both!

Ross: (looking in the window behind them) Y’know, y’know I’m lookin’ and I don’t think anyone’s home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and y’know explain later.

Joey: Yeah? Really? No one’s home?

Ross: I don’t think so. Hello? (Knocks on the glass, which angers the big, large, angry dog behind the glass and causes them to jump to the other side of the landing.) When you get in there… (Joey nods his disapproval.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment building, in desperation she has wrapped up the smoke detector in a blanket and is going to throw it into the trash chute.]

Phoebe: Okay, this is where you and I part ways. (She drops the blanket into the chute.) Noisy bitch!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now sleeping Monica.]

Monica: What?! What are you doing?!

Chandler: Do you know what just happened?

Monica: Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell asleep.

Chandler: No. We were in the middle of sex…and you fell asleep.

Monica: Nooo! No, that’s not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked me world! (She turns out the light to go back to sleep.)

Chandler: (turning the light back on) Monica?

Monica: What?!

Chandler: I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right!

Monica: Okay. Okay, I’m ready. Come on big fella!

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Give me the good stuff.

Chandler: Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Don’t fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesn’t move as he gets out of bed and as he’s heading for the door.) And I probably won’t spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.

Monica: Okay, I’m up! I’m up!

[Scene: Rachel’s outer office, she’s returning with two coffee cups in hand to find Tag sitting there.]

Rachel: Hi! I got you some coffee. To, uh… (She looks for a place to set it on his messy desk and he clears a spot for her to set it down.) …fair enough. So! Do you got anything for me?

Tag: Still no luck.

Rachel: Oh my God! Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the drawers!

Tag: Do you want me to check again?

Rachel: Well yeah, I wish that you would. (He opens the top drawer.) Well, no it’s not in there! (Closes it.) How about that drawer? (She points to the bottom one and he opens it. She doesn’t see the folder she planted and bends over to check.)

Tag: Well, it’s not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your office?

Rachel: (thinks) Y’know, I don’t-I don’t know. Let me, let me check. (As she heads for her office, she stops glances over her should at Tag, looks into her office, and finds the folder on her desk.)

Tag: (smirking) Any luck?

Rachel: Can I see you in my office for a minute?

Tag: (entering) Yeah? (She holds up the folder) You found them!! (Rachel is not amused, because she’s still going to try to blame him for her mistake like every ‘good’ boss.) Y’know what? I’m not even going to gloat. I’m just really relived this whole thing is over.

Rachel: You put these on my desk!

Tag: I did not!

Rachel: Oh really? So you’re saying they just slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! (I think Dogbert should have a line here.)

Tag: How did you know they were in my bottom drawer?

Rachel: (pause as she realizes her lame attempt to shift the blame has failed) I am so hot for you right now.

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is someone pounding on the door and Phoebe sleepily walks over and answers it. As she nears the door, the pounding stops and she can hear the smoke detector’s wail.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! How did you get back here?!

A Disembodied Voice: (yelling through the door) Phoebe Buffay?!

Phoebe: (scared) Fire alarm? (She opens the door to reveal a fireman holding the blanket with the smoke detector.) Oh! Hi, officer—fireman, can-can I help you?

The Fireman: We found your fire alarm in the trash chute.

Phoebe: That’s not mine.

The Fireman: Yes it is.

Phoebe: How do you know?

The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute, don’t wrap it in a blanket that says, "Property of Phoebe Buffay not Monica."

Phoebe: Okay do you—Okay, do you have a search warrant? Because the last time I checked this was still America!

The Fireman: Please reattach this, it’s against the law to disconnect them.

Phoebe: Fine! (She takes the blanket.) But please God; tell me how to stop them from going off!

The Fireman: There’s a reset button under the plastic cover.

Phoebe: There’s a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! (He exits and she goes to shut it off.) There’s a reset button! My God! Why didn’t I see that! (She takes off the plastic cover and looks for the button.) Reset button, reset button, where is there a reset button? (Finds it.) Oh here it is! (Picks it up off of the floor.) Oh! (She presses it hard, but of course it would help if the button was still attached to the detector. In frustration she presses it so hard it causes pain in her thumb.) Ohh, God!

[Scene: The fire escape, Joey is now hanging off of the bottom rung of the ladder that won’t move and Ross is watching from above.]

Ross: Okay, do-do you have a good grip?

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: Okay, I’m going to start climb down you now.

Joey: All right! Just hurry up!

Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face.

Joey: I think face to face.

Ross: I would say that.

Joey: Face to face, yeah!

Ross: Okay, here I go.

Joey: All right.

(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey’s chest.)

Joey: (grunting) Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?!

Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight.

(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey’s torso, but that doesn’t work very well and he’s forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross’s crotch.)

Joey: Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through.

Ross: So what do you want me to do?

Joey: Well, just shimmy down me and drop!

(Ross continues his trek south, and when they get face to face.)

Ross: Hi.

Joey: Hi.

Ross: (looking down) M-maybe I should hang and you can climb down me.

Joey: (angrily) Yeah? Maybe we should talk about that for a little while!

Ross: It’s still looks pretty far!

Joey: It’s not that far! Just drop!

Ross: Do not rush me!!

(Ross continues south and his now wrapped around Joey’s legs.)

Joey: Ross, you should know that my pants are startin’ to come down and I’m not wearing any underwear!

(Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.)

Ross: Oww!! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it when I—Ooh, a quarter!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they’re cuddling.]

Monica: That really was some of your best work.

Chandler: Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I can’t believe that I’ve only got two hours before I call in sick for work.

Monica: I have to be up in seven minutes.

Chandler: Well, you’re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes…

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Do you wanna?

Monica: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and I’ll get the furniture polish!

(She runs off leaving a stunned Chandler behind.)

End

The One Where Rosita Dies

Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to move Joey’s chair and not having much luck at it as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Joey: What are you doing?

Rachel: Well, y’know I was thinking of moving the couch over here.

Joey: (laughs) Why would you want to do that?

Rachel: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit.

Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to…

Rachel: And your lap does not count! Okay? Come on help me move this.

Joey: No. No. No.

Rachel: No?

Joey: No. Rosita does not move.

Rachel: I’m sorry, Rosita? As in…

Joey: As in Rosita does not move.

Rachel: Joey, it’s just a chair! What’s the big deal?

Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it’s at the perfect angle so you don’t get any glare coming of off Stevie.

Rachel: Stevie the TV?

Joey: (glaring at her) Is there a problem?

Rachel: No! (Joey sets his beer and bag of chips down and heads into his room.) Oh what does he know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick together! (She tries pulling on the back of the chair, until the hinge breaks and the back falls off.) You bitch!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on the couch talking. Phoebe is getting coffee.]

Ross: Hey, y’know what’s weird? After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people you’re gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-law Ross." That’s weird isn’t it?

Chandler: Couldn’t I just say, "This is Ross?"

Ross: (disappointed) Sure, do whatever you want.

(Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.)

Monica: (entering, carrying a newspaper) Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate section…

Ross: Yeah?

Monica: Look at this. (Hands him the newspaper.)

Ross: Oh, it looks like mom and dad’s house. Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is…Oh my God!!

Phoebe: What? What happened to the window in the attic?!

Monica: I can’t believe mom and dad are selling the house!

Ross: I can’t believe they-they didn’t even tell us!

Phoebe: I can’t believe I still don’t know what happened to the window in the attic!

(Ross calls his parents on his cell phone.)

Ross: (on phone) Uh, hello dad! Monica and I just saw the house in the paper! (Listens) Yes we’re surprised! (Listens) Who did you leave a message with?

Chandler: (knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is examining the injury to Rosita while Rachel is apologizing to him.]

Rachel: Joey, Joey I am so sorry.

Joey: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and you said don’t, and I did it anyway and her head fell off?

Rachel: Okay, come on—Joey, I’ll buy you a new one! All right? We’ll go down to the store right now and we’ll-we’ll get you a new chair.

Joey: (slowly turning and glaring at her) She’s not even cold yet!

Rachel: But don’t you think Rosita would’ve wanted you to move on? I mean y’know, she did always put…your comfort first.

Joey: That’s true.

(Rachel turns for the door and makes the "Wow!" face.)

Rachel: (grabbing her coat) Okay? You ready?

Joey: Yeah, I… (Shuts off the TV.) I don’t want Stevie to see her like this.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Monica are still going on about the house.]

Ross: I can’t believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some stranger’s gonna be living in my room.

Monica: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you, it’s time the velvet ropes came down.

Ross: They kept your room for a while.

Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria’s Secret catalogues, not a gym!

Ross: Come on, you know they love you.

Monica: As much as they love you?

Ross: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! It’s not my fault.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Ugh, I hate this year!

Ross: What’s wrong with this year?

Phoebe: Well okay, it’s already February and I’ve only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world!

Monica: That was me and Ross.

Phoebe: Oh that’s right!

Ross: Hey, y’know if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money doing telemarketing.

Monica: Oh that’s a great idea. You’re really good on the phone.

Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Y’know, I probably wouldn’t have to say spank as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.)

Ross: What?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, like you never called!

[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is getting shown to her desk by the supervisor.]

Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.

Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office.

Supervisor: (laughs) Why don’t we do a trial run.

Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. (Picks up the phone and starts reading from the script.) Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please?

Supervisor: I’m the supply manager.

Phoebe: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs.

Supervisor: We don’t need any toner.

Phoebe: Oh okay, well I’m sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Yeah you’re right, this is easy.

Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that call?

Phoebe: Oh well, all right…um, no offense, but you were kind of rude.

Supervisor: They’re always going to tell you they don’t need toner, but that’s okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script.

Phoebe: Oh.

Supervisor: So, I think you’re ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions?

Phoebe: No. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is entering.]

Chandler: Joey! Joe! (Sees that he’s not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beer’s still cold. Something terrible must’ve happened here! (He decides it’s not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.)

[Scene: Ross and Monica’s parent’s garage, Ross and Monica are arriving to go through their things. Mr. Geller is in the garage.]

Ross: Dad?

Mr. Geller: I’m here!

Ross: (entering with Monica) Hey!

Mr. Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work.

Ross: Dad, we-we can’t believe you’re selling the house.

Mr. Geller: Well, it’s time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.

Ross: (To Monica) Let’s grab our stuff and get the hell out of here.

Mr. Geller: I’m sorry we can’t store your childhood things anymore.

Monica: Oh, that’s okay, I can’t wait to see everything again! All of the memories…

Mr. Geller: Well, I don’t know what’s in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.

Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.

Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater.

Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies! (She goes to the attic.)

Mr. Geller: So, I think you’re boxes are over here. (They walk over to them.)

Ross: Wow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.) Wait, dad who-who’s cigarettes are these?

Mr. Geller: I don’t know. They-they must be your mother’s, but please, please don’t ask her. I’ll throw these away. (He puts them in his pocket as Ross finds something of interest in one of his boxes.)

Ross: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, (reading his grades) Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym…(He puts it away and finds something else.) Oooh, my rock polisher!

Mr. Geller: Oh look, look there’s your old makeup kit!

Ross: It’s a clown kit! Clown kit!

Mr. Geller: Well, the white seems to be untouched. (He throws it back into the box as Mr. Geller moves a tarp and makes a discovery.) Uh-oh.

Ross: What?

Mr. Geller: Y’know how the garage floods every Spring?

Ross: How are you ever going to sell this place?

Mr. Geller: I think I accidentally used Monica’s boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche.

Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What…(He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh God…everything’s ruined! Dad, she’s gonna be crushed!

Mr. Geller: You don’t secretly smoke do you?

Ross: No!

Mr. Geller: So it’s just your mother then.

[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is hard at work.]

Phoebe: (on phone) Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens) Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies I’d like to talk to you about your toner needs. (She’s reading from the script.)

[Cut to Earl’s office, who is played by Jason Alexander, George from Seinfeld. They cut back and forth between Phoebe’s and Earl’s offices with each of their lines.]

Earl: I don’t need any toner.

Phoebe: I’m hearing what you’re saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner.

Earl: Not me.

Phoebe: May I ask why?

Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why?

Phoebe: I surely do!

Earl: Okay, I don’t need any toner because I’m going to kill myself.

(Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response to that line.)

Phoebe: (doesn’t have any luck) Umm, is-is that because you’re out of toner?

Commercial Break

[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still talking to Earl.]

Earl: Okay, so…no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye.

Phoebe: No-no wait-wait! I can’t just let you hang up! Just please talk to me.

Earl: Well…I only have one thing to do today. (He looks at his board in his office that reads, "Today’s Tasks: KILL SELF.") I guess I could push it back.

Phoebe: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kill yourself?

Earl: It’s just that I uh, have been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows I exist!

Phoebe: Chandler?

Earl: I-I’m sorry?

Phoebe: No look, I-I’m sure that people know you exist!

Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. I’ve been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one’s even looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. (To the people standing around his cubicle.) Hey everybody! Uh, I’m gonna kill myself! (There’s no response; no one even looks up.) I’ll get back to ya. (To Phoebe) I got nothing. Wait. (He sets the phone down.) Uh, hey Marge! (Mimes putting a gun to his head, pulling the trigger, and splattering his brain on the wall behind him. Then points to himself. Marge watches this, then goes back to work.) (To Phoebe) Ehh, nothing. Nothing.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler has replaced Rosita with his chair.]

Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.)

Rachel: You will like it!

Joey: No I won’t.

(Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.)

Rachel: You don’t even know!

Joey: Because, I know what I like and what I don’t like! It’s not the same thing!

(Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into his apartment.)

Rachel: Well look, if you don’t like this…(The audience’s laughter at Chandler’s progress cuts out the rest of Rachel’s line.)

Joey: I don’t know why you say that so soon.

(Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as Chandler closes the door.)

Rachel: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey, y’know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette.

Joey: Francette? What is she? A couch?

(They enter their apartment.)

Joey: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.

Rachel: Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here. Y’know, start the heeling process?

Joey: Well, I guess you’re right. Maybe, maybe I’ll take her down to the incinerator. It’s gonna be so said, and kinda cool. (He goes to remove the back, but it doesn’t come off. So he sits down in it, puts his feet up, stands up, and looks back at it.) She’s heeled!

Rachel: That’s weird.

Joey: No it’s not weird, it’s a miracle!

Rachel: It’s not a miracle Joey! I’m sure there’s some explanation.

Joey: Oh there is! If you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen!

Rachel: Joey, I really don’t…

Joey: (interrupting her) Can you tell me how this happened?

Rachel: Well no.

Joey: Miracle!

Rachel: No, y’know what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or something!

Joey: Someone like an…angel?

Rachel: That’s right Joey, the chair angel came in and heeled your chair. (She sits down in the chair.)

Joey: (angrily) Get your non-believer ass outta my chair! (She gets up and heads for her room.)

[Scene: The Geller’s Garage, continued from earlier. Ross and Mr. Geller are still deciding what to do.]

Mr. Geller: Well, she’ll understand right? It’s not like I did it on purpose.

Ross: Dad that won’t matter to her. Look, all my stuff is safe and dry and all her is-is, is growing new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes her think you guys love me more than you love her.

Mr. Geller: Oh my God, does she really thinks that?

Ross: Well, can you blame her?

Mr. Geller: Well I don’t know, I-I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously, you were a medical marvel! The doctor said your mother could…

Ross: Dad, dad I don’t want to hear about it.

Mr. Geller: Really?

Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and damnit, we’re gonna give her some! Okay, grab…grab some empty boxes. Okay? We’ll-we’ll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers we’ll-we’ll put ‘em in their.

Mr. Geller: Great!

Ross: Like uh y’know like this! This! (He picks up one of those art projects that kids make in kindergarten and first grade.) She-she could’ve made this!

Mr. Geller: Sure!

Ross: Right? And this! (He picks up a trophy) She-she could’ve won this!

Mr. Geller: (grabbing a glove) This could’ve been hers!

Ross: Sure! Ooh-ooh, what about this?

Mr. Geller: Your make-up kit? I’d feel better.

(Ross angrily throws the kit into one of Monica’s new boxes.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting the now heeled Rosita as Rachel is sitting in the newly arrived Francette. Francette is one of those new chairs from La-Z-Boy that has and does everything except cook and go to the bathroom for you. It’s got a small refrigerator under one armrest it has phone jacks for the Internet and regular phone, and so much more.]

Rachel: (grabbing a beer out of the chair’s fridge) I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself!

Joey: Yeah, me too. (He flips up his armrest in disgust.)

Rachel: Hey, how’s…how’s the uh, miracle chair?

Joey: Fine.

Rachel: Yeah? Wow! Y’know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest!

Joey: No. Really?

Rachel: Yeah! You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio!

Joey: (quietly) My chair heels itself.

[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still trying to talk Earl out of suicide.]

Phoebe: Earl, you’re not hearing me! All I’m saying is that you’re not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with! (One of her coworkers overhears that, and she mimes that she didn’t mean him.)

Guy: (walking past Earl’s desk) Hey guy!

Phoebe: Wait, what was that? That sounded like someone being nice to you.

Earl: No! That’s just the "Hey Guy" guy. He says that to everybody! He’s the worst! I’d like to take him with me!

Phoebe: All right so Earl, let’s just forget about the people at the office, okay? There-there’s gotta be someone else in your life worth sticking around for! What about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend?

Earl: (laughs) Yeah! Right!

Phoebe: Oh sorry, boyfriend!

Earl: Oh no.

Phoebe: No, whatever! Anything!

The "Hey Guy" Guy: Hey guy!

Phoebe: Yeah, he’s gotta go.

Earl: Okay, I should, I should probably be getting back to my thing now. See ya. (Hangs up.)

Phoebe: No! I’m not finished yet! Don’t! Don’t you dare hang up on me!!!

Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girl’s good.

[Scene: The Geller’s Garage, Mr. Geller and Ross are finishing up recreating Monica’s memories as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey guys! Hey!

Ross: Hey.

Monica: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats, they should be ready in about three days.

Mr. Geller: (overacting) That’s a good one! Do you hear that Ross? Three days!

Ross: (overacting as well) Yeah! Yeah! (Laughs.) Oh, this will make a great memory.

Monica: (wary) Okay. So, which boxes are mine?

Ross: Well, these. These are yours right here. (Pointing to the boxes they just created for her.)

Monica: Okay. (Starting to go through them) Oh! A coloring book! (Holding it up.)

Ross: Yeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You always had it with you. You never went anywhere without-without that coloring book.

Monica: (looking through it) Really? Wow! It looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines.

Ross: Nu-uh! (Grabs it and examines it.)

Monica: (holding up a glove) Oh, an old glove?

Mr. Geller: Oh, yeah you loved that glove! You took it every place you went. You never went any place without that glove.

Monica: Wow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.) I can’t believe I even fit into this shirt! (She holds it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She turns it around and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours. (Hands it to Ross.)

Ross: Oh, I don’t know how that got in there.

Monica: (holding up a small cowboy hat) This isn’t mine. (Sets it down and looks at the rest of the boxes.) Hey, this isn’t, this isn’t my stuff! Ugh, Ross! (Grabs and holds up a doll.) These are your boxes! Where are my boxes?

Ross: Umm, your boxes are umm…

Monica: What?

Ross: Dad?

Mr. Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your boxes. I’m sorry.

Monica: Just mine?

Mr. Geller: I’m afraid so.

Monica: So why-why wasn’t Ross’s stuff ruined? (Pause) And if you say the words medical marvel I’m going to Easy Bake your head!

Mr. Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.

Monica: So wait, Ross’s stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!!

Mr. Geller: There was also leaves and guk and stuff.

Monica: I can’t believe this! (Storms out.)

Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Screw it! I’m having one. (Takes out and lights a cigarette.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is writing a letter by the bay window as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey Chandler!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest?

Chandler: Yeah, I’d love to but I’ve tried that so many times they won’t even let me in the store anymore.

Rachel: Well what if I told you, you can do it in my apartment?

Chandler: (excitedly) Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year?

Rachel: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000. (Which is an actual product by the way, I’m not sure about the 3000 part.)

Chandler: That’s awesome! That’s great! What made you do it?!

Rachel: Well, it’s a long story, but umm I broke Joey’s chair…

Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joey’s chair?

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: I thought I broke Joey’s chair! That’s why I replaced it with mine!

Rachel: Ohhhhh. That’s how it got fixed!

Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?

Rachel: Noo! (Laughs) Angels.

Chandler: I’m gettin’ my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachel’s.)

Rachel: What? Wh-hey!

(They enter Joey and Rachel’s to find that Joey has broken Chandler’s chair.)

Joey: Well, it looks like it wasn’t heeled after all! Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now! (Sits down in it and groans.)

Chandler: Joey you broke my chair!!

Joey: Your chair?!

Rachel: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs!

Joey: So, there was no miracle?!

Rachel: No Joe, no miracle.

Joey: (sarcastic) Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. I’m so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life.

Rachel: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you don’t get that chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! (Joey starts to get up.) No I take that back!

Chandler: I think I should get the chair!

(Rachel and Joey both laugh at that suggestion.)

Joey: How do you figure?

Chandler: Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn’t broke a chair, is me!

Rachel: No-no-no! This chair’s not going anywhere.

Chandler: Well, where’s the logic in that?!

Rachel: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half!

Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing!

(Joey whispers in Rachel’s ear to confirm his response.)

Joey: That’s right!

Chandler: What are you guys? Like a gang or something?!

(They confer again.)

Joey: Yeah! We are!

(Rachel whispers in Joey’s ear.)

Rachel: We’re the Cobras!

[Scene: Earl’s Office, Earl has his head in his hands as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: (to Marge) Excuse me! Can you tell me where I can find Earl? He’s the supply manager around here.

Marge: Sorry, I don’t know any Earl.

Earl: (screaming) I’m right here!!!!

Phoebe: (goes over to his desk) Earl! I’m Phoebe.

Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner?

Phoebe: Umm, look it, you-you can’t kill yourself.

Earl: (exhales) Look, um I really appreciate your coming down…

Phoebe: No-no I can’t! I can’t let you do it!

Earl: Why?!

Phoebe: Because it was fate that made me call you today!

Earl: I thought it was toner.

Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isn’t even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on the job, you’re my first call! And-and somebody else might’ve hung up on you, but I wouldn’t do that because I know about this stuff. My mom killed herself.

Earl: Really?!

Phoebe: Yes.

Earl: How?

Phoebe: I’m not gonna give you tips! Look don’t you see that this-this…this all came together so that I could stop you from doing this.

Earl: Couldn’t it just be a coincidence?

Phoebe: No, it’s fate!

Earl: It doesn’t really seem like enough to be fate.

Phoebe: Oh. Well umm, okay here’s a weird thing. My mother was also a supply manager.

Earl: I’m actually the office manager.

Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this, okay? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl.

Earl: Well, was there anything else?!

Phoebe: Sure! (Thinks.) Umm, where are you from?

Earl: Philadelphia.

Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! Oh, I’ve got-I’ve got goose bumps. (She holds out her arm.)

Earl: (inspecting it) Really?

Phoebe: Well, y’know I’m wearing layers and it’s warm.

Earl: Yeah-yeah.

Phoebe: But if—no look, okay. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot!

Earl: (To All) Did you hear that?! I don’t need you guys to care about me! Because the universe cares! The whole universe! (Laughs as everyone ignores him.) (To Phoebe) I really wished they’d care just a little bit though.

Phoebe: Y’know, I don’t-I don’t think it’s you. This is a freaky place. (To All) Hey! Guys! (Everyone looks up.) (To Earl) Oh no, it’s you.

Earl: Yeah.

[Scene: The Geller’s Garage, Monica is picking through her ruined childhood heirlooms with Ross.]

Monica: Oh, this terrible! Everything is destroyed! Look at this. (She picks up some kind of furry thing.) It obviously meant enough for me to save it, and I don’t even know what it is! Ohh, it’s still soft. (She rubs it against her cheek.) What do you think this is?

Ross: All right. I think it was a mouse.

(Monica screams, throws the mouse down, and rubs her hands on Ross’s sweater to clean them.)

Mr. Geller: (entering) How are you honey?

Monica: How do you think I am?! You’ve wrecked all my childhood memories. You love Ross more than me. And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face!

(Ross gets up to let his dad sit next to Monica.)

Mr. Geller: Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross! Now, I’m sorry about everything that happened and I’d probably never be able to make it up to you, but here’s a start. (He hands her a small box.)

Monica: (opening it) What’s this?

Mr. Geller: It’s the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche.

Monica: (shocked) What?!

Ross: (even more shocked) What?!!!

Mr. Geller: I’ve been thinking about getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your mother’s right, I do look like an ass.

Monica: Wait, you’re giving me your Porsche, you’re kidding me right?!

Ross: Well w-w-w-w-wait, w-wait, wait, wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a Porsche?!

Mr. Geller: (To Monica) Why don’t we take it for a spin?

Monica: All right!

Ross: Well, what about me?! I’m a medical marvel!!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in Joey’s lap on Francette, and they’re both groaning.]

Joey: Oh yeah.

Rachel: Ahhhh….

Joey: Ahhh…… (To Rachel) Eh?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Monica: (entering) Hey guys!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Do you guys know what happened to Chandler’s barca lounger?

Rachel: Oh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it.

Monica: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the barca lounger’s gone?! This is the best day ever! (Runs out.)

End

The One Where They All Turn Thirty

Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer

Story by: Vanessa McCarthy

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on Rachel’s door, whose door frame is decorated with balloons. The rest of the gang is there as well. Rachel opens the door and the gang blow on noisemakers.]

Ross: Happy birthday!!!

Monica: Happy birthday!!!

(Rachel glares at them and goes back into her room, closing her door.)

All: Rach! Come on! Rach!

Monica: It’s your birthday!

Tag: (entering from her room) Hey.

Chandler: (To Monica) She’s not as pretty as she was when she was 29.

Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don’t use the words old or downhill or (To Joey) they still look pretty damn good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.)

Joey: They do!

Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast!

Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes!

(There is no response from Rachel.)

Ross: We’ve got presents!

(She opens the door.)

Rachel: Good ones?

Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.

Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?

Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal.

Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty?

[Flashback to Joey’s thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandler’s apartment.]

Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!! (He buries his head in Phoebe’s lap for comfort.)

[Cut back to Rachel’s party, everyone is now eating breakfast, except Rachel.]

Rachel: Y’know, I’m still 29 in Guam.

Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is?

Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this?

Chandler: No Rach, it’s not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn’t that much fun.

[Flashback to Chandler’s thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.]

Joey: (screaming) And now Chandler! We’re all gettin’ so old! (Looking up) Why are you doing this to us?! (Turns away crying.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished but Rachel’s still down.]

Monica: Rach, you’re in a great place in your life. Come on, you’ve got a great job! Good friends…

Joey: Yeah, you’re roommate is a soap opera star.

Rachel: Look, y’know I know my life’s going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who’ve accomplished so many other goals by the time they’re thirty.

Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldn’t compare yourself to me.

[Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a hippity-hop.]

All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on!

Rachel: There you go!

(She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)

Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That’s it!! That’s everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that Phoebe left behind.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean, old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty!

Tag: Come on, let’s have some fun. Huh? (To Rachel) What do you want to do today?

Rachel: Nothing. I don’t want to do anything.

Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross.

Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have a child!

[Flashback to: A street, Ross is sitting in his newly purchased MGB. Which is one of the better British sports cars ever made. Of course, ‘better’ is a relative term. Which reminds me of a joke. Why don’t the British make computers? Because they couldn’t figure out how to make them leak oil. Anyway, the gang is all staring at his new purchase.]

Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh?!

Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?

Ross: That’s not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars.

Joey: Hey, what’s the horsepower on this thing?

Ross: (giddy) I don’t know, but-but look how shiny!

Monica: I can’t believe you bought this.

Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know it’s really shallow, but a part of me wants him again.

Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So, can I have a ride stud?

Ross: Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.

(He starts the car and surprisingly in fires right up and comes to a nice idle. (Both can be rarities with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas ignition systems, which tend not to work especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New York he is parallel parked on a street with the car in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper, likewise with the car behind him. He’s completely boxed in and can’t move more than two inches. He tries to get out several times by bumping the bumpers of both cars to no avail.)

Ross: Damnit! (Shuts the car off.)

Phoebe: (getting out) Okay, who’s next?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring Rachel some coffee.]

Rachel: Y’know what? I am going to do something today. I’m not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I’m gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something.

Phoebe: Really?! ‘Cause y’know that hurts.

Rachel: So what?! Y’know what? The way I see it—(Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her head)—Ow! Son of a bitch!!

Tag: Look Rachel, I know what you’re going through. I’m totally freaked about turning 25.

Rachel: (glares at him) Get out, get out of my apartment.

Monica: All right Rach, for what it’s worth, I think that you’re doing great. I mean y’know let’s face it, no one handles this well.

Phoebe: Least of all you.

Tag: Why? What you’d do?

Monica: Weren’t you asked to leave sonny?

[Flashback to Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]

Chandler: (To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica’s gonna be here any minute!

Joey: But it hurt’s my Joey’s Apple.

Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It’s not named for each individual man.

(Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient velvet tuxedo.)

Mrs. Geller: (To Chandler) You’ve done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.

Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can’t believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can’t believe that you would have a tux that’s thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller’s shoulder.)

Mr. Geller: It’s older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.

Chandler: Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.)

Rachel: (entering) Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She’s coming!

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)

Mr. Geller: Crap.

(We hear some fumbling at the door, then silence.)

Chandler: (getting up to investigate) Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what’s going on.

(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachel’s door.)

Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!! (Giggles.)

Chandler: Hey-hey are you drunk?

Monica: Nooo! (Giggles) Okay. (She tries to pull herself up by Rachel and Joey’s doorknob, but the door opens and she almost falls into the their apartment. She manages to catch herself.) Whoa! (Stands up, unsteadily) Okay. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty. (Giggles.) So the bus boys took me out for some drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later!

Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!

Monica: Noo!!!

Chandler: Yes!

Monica: Noo!!

Chandler: Yes!!

Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! (Pause) That they know of.

Chandler: Okay, here’s the thing. We’re gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you’re drunk.

Monica: Really?! You promise?

Chandler: Yeah, I’ll take care of it.

Monica: Okay. I love you so much. (Kisses him.)

Chandler: (laughing) Okay we have to do something about your breath.

Monica: What about your breath?! (Breathes on him.)

Chandler: That’s still yours. Okay, now remember it’s a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised.

Monica: Okay. I can do that.

Chandler: Okay.

(Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.)

All: Surprise!!!

(Monica screams and they all stare at her.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross’s birthday, Joey is now trying to get his car out while Ross is directing him.]

Ross: Okay, forward. Forward—Stop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, back—Stop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forward—Stop! Stop! Stop!

Monica: Ross, just forget about it. This guy’s got you totally wedged in.

(A beautiful woman approaches.)

Woman: (To Joey) Is this yours?

Joey: Well actually…

Ross: No-no-no! It’s mine! It’s-it’s mine. (The woman walks away.)

Joey: Dude, you soooo need this car.

Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Okay, I’m gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)

(The rest of the gang runs away, except for Ross who’s tramped inside his car. To hide he puts the top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running past.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s birthday, she’s taking the hippity-hop to Ursula’s apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]

Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) It’s for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!

Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?

Phoebe: Because it’s our thirtieth birthday.

Ursula: Yeah, no we’re not thirty. We’re 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)

Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)

Ursula: Oh, it’s you.

Phoebe: Yeah. What?!

Ursula: Yeah, we’re not thirty, we’re 31.

Phoebe: Nu-uh!

Ursula: Yea-huh! That’s what is says on my birth certificate.

Phoebe: You have your birth certificate?

Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.

Phoebe: Our mom.

Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)

Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate?

Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.

Phoebe: (reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31.

Ursula: Yeah.

Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life.

Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.

Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela?

Ursula: Yes.

Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?

Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.

Phoebe: That’s my first name.

Ursula: Right, okay, then no.

[Scene: Monica’s birthday, it’s just after the surprise.]

Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress.

Monica: Yay!

Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller who’s sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller who’s standing next to him.)

Mr. Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a hug! (Starts to get up.)

Mrs. Geller: (stopping him) Don’t get up Jack! The safety pins are about to blow.

(They continue their trek.)

Monica: (sees someone) Paul!

Chandler: (correcting her) Phil.

Monica: Phil!

Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay, (catches her) you’re doing great. You’re doing great. You’re doing fine.

(Phoebe approaches as they almost get to their room.)

Phoebe: Hey, what’s going on?

Chandler: Monica’s a little drunk.

Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica!

Monica: Awwwww… (Giggles.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Go change! (To Phoebe) She doesn’t want her parents to know she’s drunk.

Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Here’s what we’ll do, I’ll get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one’s will even notice her.

(Chandler walks over to where the rest of the gang is.)

Rachel: What’s-what’s going on? Phil’s really pissed!

Chandler: Monica’s wasted.

Ross: Maybe that will liven up this party.

Chandler: (To Rachel) Okay, will you just go help her change please!

Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey.

Joey: Yep. (Starts for Monica’s room, but Chandler stops him.)

[Scene: Rachel’s birthday, everyone is presenting their presents to Rachel.]

Tag: (handing his to her) This one’s from me.

Rachel: Ahh!

Tag: It wasn’t on your list, but hopefully you’ll think it’s really fun.

Rachel: (opening it) A scooter! (She’s not happy.)

Ross: (to Tag) Stick to the list. Always stick to the list.

Rachel: No! No-no, I love it. Thank you. (Kisses him.)

Chandler: Okay, open ours next. Open ours next!

Rachel: Okay.

Joey: Now that you’re a couple, we don’t get two presents from you guys?

Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the card!

Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday Grandma! It’s better to be over the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it. (Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) That’s funny, yeah!

Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke!

Rachel: (crying) No, I know! I get it! It’s funny!

Chandler: No, because you’re not a grandmother!

Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don’t have any of those things. That’s why it’s so funny. (Runs into her room crying.)

Monica: All you had to do was buy the card!

[Scene: Rachel’s birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living room carrying a notepad.]

Ross: Hey! Look who’s back! It’s the birthday girl! How’s the birthday girl feeling?

Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think you’re bumming out the rest of the kids.

Ross: What? (Glances over and sees the faces of the rest of the group, then goes and sits down.)

Rachel: Okay! Y’know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids…

Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.

Rachel: As I was saying… I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I’m 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan!

Phoebe: If you could do that, I’d marry the hippity-hop.

Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when I’m 35, I don’t have to get pregnant until I’m 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant…

Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, it’s happening!

Rachel: No, so I don’t have to get married until I’m 33! That’s three years, that’s three whole years—Oh, wait a minute though. I’ll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I’d like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged… Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I’m thirty.

Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned—(Removes two candles from the cake)—twenty-eight!

Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry!

(We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.)

Joey: Will you quit hoggin’ it!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica’s birthday, Monica is now dressed and is being helped out by Chandler and Rachel.]

Rachel: (To Chandler) I’m telling you it’s like watching Bambi learn how to walk.

Ross: (To Monica) You’re drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be maaaaadd! Maybe I’m a little drunk.

(Monica sits down on the barca lounger.)

Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh that’s great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go.

Joey: (to the waiter) Hey! Are those crab cakes? (The waiter nods) Did I not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?

Chandler: (To Monica) How are you feeling?

Monica: You are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right now! (Growls and pulls him into a kiss.)

Ross: I really wish that you wouldn’t.

Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don’t talk to anyone.

Phoebe: (clinking two glasses together) Speech! Speech! Let’s hear from the birthday girl! Huh?

Chandler: Pheebs!!

Phoebe: Don’t you see? Everyone’s looking at me! The plan’s working! I didn’t even have to take off my top yet!

Mrs. Geller: Speech! Come on Monica!

Ross: Come on!

All: Come on! Speech!

(Monica stands up and wobbles slightly and Chandler runs over to catch her.)

Mr. Geller: (filming this) Hey Chandler, you can’t keep your hands off her for one second!

Mrs. Geller: Oh-ho, I think it’s nice.

Chandler: I think it’s necessary. (Backs away anyhow.)

Monica: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends…

Phoebe: (screaming) Wooo!! Hoo!!

Monica: I really like to say that I’m-um… (Pause) Y’know what I’d really like to say? I’m drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) That’s right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dad’s hands.) And guess what! I’ve been drunk before! And I’ve smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! It’s all okay. It’s okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.)

Phoebe: (To Joey) Okay quick, help me get this off! (Motions to her top.)

Joey: Yeah!!

(Ross pans the camera over to Phoebe.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s birthday, she’s telling everyone what she found out at Ursula’s while sitting in Central Perk.]

Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I can’t believe it! This is so unfair!

Joey: Oh, I don’t know Pheebs. It’ll be okay.

Phoebe: Will it? Will it?! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31?

Joey: That’s not gonna happen. No. (Looks up) Because we have a new deal!

Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I…I haven’t done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31!

Joey: Like what?

Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I haven’t met any Portuguese people! I, I haven’t had the perfect kiss! And I haven’t been to sniper’s school!

Monica: Phoebe, y’know why don’t we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake?

Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I’ll see you guys later. Thanks. (Gets up and exits.)

Rachel: Hey. (After she leaves.) Oh, poor Pheebs.

Joey: Hey, y’know what you guys? I think I’m gonna go walk her home. (Gets up and runs out.)

Monica: Oh man!

Chandler: What?

Monica: He’s gonna eat the cake!

[Cut outside, Joey is catching up with Phoebe.]

Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen uh, close your eyes. (She does so and Joey passionately kisses her.) Maybe that’s one thing you can cross off your list.

Phoebe: Oh yeah.

(Joey starts to walk away, but stops.)

Joey: Oh, and plus I’m 1/16th Portuguese.

Phoebe: Oh! (Phoebe walks away smiling.)

[Scene: Ross’s birthday, his car is still trapped in it’s spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear of the car.]

Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? We’re gonna pick it up…and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? We’re gonna lift the car…and slide it out. Lift and slide!

Rachel: Ross, I really don’t think…

Ross: (interrupting her) Lift!! And slide!

Chandler: Okay, here we go.

Ross: All right everyone, lift! (They and try to lift the car, of course it doesn’t raise up) And slide!! (Everyone leans over, but the car still does not move.)

[Scene: Rachel’s birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the scooter.]

Rachel: Hey Joey, can I…

Joey: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started!

Rachel: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag.

Joey: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside?

Rachel: Whatever! Okay, I’m not your mother.

Joey: Okay! (Runs off downstairs.)

Rachel: Not in the street!!

Joey: Yes!

Rachel: (to Tag) Hi.

Tag: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better?

Rachel: Yeah, I’m doing okay. I’m um…let’s talk.

Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.)

Rachel: Umm…

Tag: What’s up?

Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm…you’re such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I don’t-I don’t…

Tag: Wait! I think I see where you’re going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing? (Kisses her.)

Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think I’m past the point where I think I can y’know, just have fun.

Tag: Rachel, don’t do this. This is just because you’re turning thirty.

Rachel: Yeah, it is! But you’re just a kid! I mean you’re 25!

Tag: Twenty-four actually.

Rachel: Oh God! Y’know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I’m wishin’ for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.

Tag: Me too.

Rachel: Yeah, I’m sorry. (They hug.)

[Time lapse, Rachel is entering her apartment after breaking up with Tag.]

Chandler: Hey! How’d it go?

Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?

Phoebe: You did the right thing.

Joey: (entering, limping, and holding his arm) I don’t like this anymore. (He sits down with them in pain.)

Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds.

Ross: God, do you realize in ten years we’re gonna be 40?

Joey: (crying) Why God?! Why are you doing this to us?! (He buries his head in Ross’s shoulder.)

[Scene: Ross’s birthday, night has fallen and Joey and Ross are walking by where his car is parked to find that both cars blocking him in have left.]

Ross: Yes! My baby’s finally free!

Joey: All-all right! (They run and jump in the car.) Start it up! Let’s go!

Ross: (starting it) Woohoo!

(Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.)

The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we? (He drives off.)

Ross: You wanna buy a car?

Joey: No.

(Ross shuts it off and they get out.)

Ending Credits

{Transcriber’s Note: There was no credits scene with this episode.}

End

The One With Joey’s New Brain

Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table.]

Monica: I’m glad you’re here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony.

Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh…

Ross: What’s the matter? You okay?

Rachel: Yeah, it’s just y’know…

Chandler: (To Ross) Monica said wedding.

Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony.

Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem.

Chandler: Do you think you could get through a poem?

Rachel: (crying) It’ll be a short one.

Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.

Rachel: Ohhh…

Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.

Chandler: Too?

Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys.

Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is?

Ross: Sorry, I’m kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.

Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)

Joey: (entering, excited) Hey!

All: Hey!

Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and…

Monica: What is DOOL?

Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you’re not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!!

All: Oh!!

Chandler: That’s great!

Joey: And-and-and not only that, I’m gettin’ a new brain!!

Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!

Rachel: Wait, what do you mean you’re getting a new brain?

Joey: Oh well, they’re killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.

Ross: What? A brain transplant?!

Joey: (seriously) Yes, it’s a highly controversial procedure.

Ross: It’s ridiculous!

Joey: Well, I think it’s ridiculous that you haven’t had sex in three and a half months.

Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) It’s winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)

Monica: Who are they killing off?

Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart.

Rachel and Monica: Noo!!

Monica: She’s my favorite character on DOOL.

Joey: Nice.

Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people’s faces, I mean I don’t think I’ve ever seen her finish a beverage.

Monica: And the way she slaps all the time!

Rachel: Oh!

Monica: Wouldn’t you love to do it just once?! (Raises her hand towards Chandler.)

Chandler: Don’t do it.

Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress.

Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And she’s been on the show forever, it’s gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.

Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her?

Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remoray’s body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk]

Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?

Rachel: (They both look behind them.) Well, I'd have to say gay.

Phoebe: Yeah? Why?

Rachel: Well mainly because he's kissing that other guy.

Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.)

Rachel: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight.

Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)

Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.)

Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone.

Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found.

Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing.

Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.

Phoebe: Yeah… That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. (They both get up.)

Rachel: What? Wait! Why…why do you get the story?

Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.

Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.

Phoebe: That wasn’t a date! That was, that was just friends getting together…(quietly) having sex.

Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.

Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.

Rachel: Yeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I didn’t think I’d love again.

Phoebe: Nice try.

Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?

Phoebe: I don’t know.

(They edge closer to the phone on the table.)

Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh… (Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!!

(She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone out of Rachel’s hand and catches it.)

Phoebe: Ah-ha! Too cocky!

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is watching Jessica Lockhart perform a scene.]

Dina: I’m going to keep dating him Mother, and there’s nothing you can do about it!

Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is!

Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles?!

Jessica Lockhart: (gasps) That was an accident! And so were you.

Dina: Well, at least I’m not a murderer! (Jessica slaps her.)

Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dina’s head to her other shoulder so that she’s the only one in the picture.)

The Director: Cut!

(Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays Jessica.)

Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that?

Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience.

Dina: (crying) Can I get some ice here?!

Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are.

Cecilia: You’re not the fan who’s dying are you?

Joey: Say what?

Cecilia: I’m supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but that’s not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later!

Joey: No. No, I’m Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-I’m the guy in the coma!

Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?!

Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since I’m getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me…

Cecilia: I-I-I’m leaving the show?

Joey: (quickly) I don’t know. Why? Did you hear something?

Cecilia: Who told you that?

Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers.

Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall?

Joey: Umm…

Cecilia: Y’know what? It doesn’t matter! Because it is not true!

Joey: Okay.

Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that I’ve been playing for 20 years—I’ll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.)

Joey: Ms. Monroe… (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still arguing over the phone.]

Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; that’s not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why don’t we, why don’t we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.

Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone.

Rachel: I don’t think so.

Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all right, but I’d bet you’d be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.

Rachel: (checking the speed dial) All right, first name on the speed dial is mom.

Phoebe: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide.

Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.

Phoebe: Did I use that already today? I’m sorry.

Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well now see this isn’t telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hat’s a steak house!

Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, that’s one for you.

Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! He’s got Barney’s on his speed dial.

Phoebe: So you don’t know that’s Barney’s the store! That can be y’know his friend’s house, or a bar. Who has Barney’s the store on their speed dial?

Rachel: (showing Phoebe her phone) His new girlfriend!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to hear a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like someone is skinning a cat.]

Monica: What is that?

Chandler: I think it’s the dying cat parade.

Monica: It sounds like it’s coming from across the street.

Chandler: (turning around and looking) Oh my God!

Monica: What?

Chandler: Y’know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You’re half Scottish right?"

Monica: Nooo!!

Chandler: Yes!!

[Cut to Ross’s apartment, he his playing the Bagpipes, badly. He’s worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier. They both get up and move to the window.]

Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! (She looks through the window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?!

Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!

Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! It’s not even a song!

Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang.

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is putting out some Sunflower seeds as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel: How are ya?

Phoebe: Good.

Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guy’s cell phone?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?!

Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me.

Rachel: You stole the phone!

Phoebe: No I didn’t!

Rachel: No? So you’re saying that if I called it, it wouldn’t ring?

Phoebe: No.

Rachel: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebe’s bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebe’s handbag.)

Rachel: Phoebe!

Phoebe: That is a different phone.

Rachel: Oh is it?! (She answers the cute guy’s phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her phone) Yes hi, is Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is, just one moment please. (To Phoebe, holding out both phones.) It’s for me!

Phoebe: That is damning evidence.

(The cute guy’s phone rings.)

Rachel: Oh my God! I bet that’s him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or should I be (Happily) Hi! It’s Rach… (Phoebe knocks the phone out of Rachel’s hand, catches it, and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?!

Phoebe: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, I’m the one who found your phone.

Rachel: Phoebe! You can’t do th…

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! I’m on a call! (On phone) Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. It’s umm, it’s umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe y’know after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay I’ll see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.)

Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he comes over.

Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over?

Rachel: You just said it!

Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just…be alone y’know to think about my mom and her suicide.

Rachel: Oh Phoebe!

Phoebe: What?! That’s the first time today!

Rachel: Ohh! (Exits.)

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Dina is at the craft services table getting some food as Joey walks up.]

Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself I’m partial to…

Dina: (interrupting) I’m 16.

Joey: See you in 2003. (She walks away.)

Cecilia: (walking up) You’re absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They don’t know exactly when it’s going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and that’s it.

Joey: I’m so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show.

Cecilia: Yeah, thanks.

Joey: No I mean it! I can’t believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much!

Cecilia: Oh you’re right. Thank you! What’s your name again?

Joey: Joey.

Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a passing writer.)

The Writer: It wasn’t my decision!

Cecilia: (to him) I’m having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were saying?

Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye—l-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before was because well, I’m really nervous about-about being you. Y’know if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Y’know? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?

Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica.

Joey: Oh that’s great! Oh thank you so much!

Cecilia: You’re so welcome.

Joey: Hey! Now, I’ve been watching some tapes, how’s this? (In a British accent.) "Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Ever!!"

Cecilia: Is that supposed to be me?

Joey: Yeah.

Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesn’t have an English accent.

Joey: (shocked) I can do an English accent?! That baby’s going on my resume!

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the armchair.]

Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack!

Monica: Do you want some shortbread? Eh that’s Scottish like you are.

Chandler: Oh no thanks. I don’t like any thing from my Scottish heritage.

Ross: What?!

Chandler: Well it’s just my entire family was run out of Scotland by…Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible noises.)

Ross: Oh well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.

Monica: No! No-no they’re not. They’re still very angry! But y’know Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet.

Ross: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so much more…

Monica: (interrupting) You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!!

Ross: How did you know about that?!

Chandler: We heard you play all the way from your apartment!

Ross: Were you the ones called the cops?!

Chandler: That’s not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just don’t feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.

Ross: Why not?

Chandler: Because we hate them.

Ross: Come on that’s not fair! I mean you haven’t even heard me play!

Chandler: We have heard you play.

Ross: No, you’ve heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And I’m not going to tell you what song I’m gonna play either. But uh, let’s just say when it’s over I’ll bet there will be a we bit o’ celebration.

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is getting pointers on how to play Jessica Lockhart.]

Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. (Joey is nodding.) You try.

Joey: Okay! (He scurries out the set door and re-enters, extremely impressed) All right!

Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! He’s not finding it out for the first time! So, try it again.

Joey: Okay. Okay. (He goes out and comes back in, glaring at everything.)

Cecilia: Right. He’s not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!! (Joey gets a snooty look on his face.) All right, it’s a little weird, but it’s getting better. (Joey is pleased.) Oh well, I’m gonna miss this woman so much. I don’t know what I’m going to do! I mean, it’s been 20 years of my life.

Joey: Oh well—Hey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Y’know? It’ll-it’ll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. You’re so talented.

Cecilia: I am. I am, but I don’t know you know. An actor of a certain age is not that easy.

Joey: Hey that’s not true! Look at uh, look at Angela Lansb—Angelina Jolie!

Cecilia: I probably should’ve just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but y’know I just got so comfy here! And… Ohh, I turned down some amazing work!

Joey: Like-like what?

Cecilia: Well, let’s just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today!

Joey: (impressed) Wow!

Cecilia: But… Well now, now’s a different time for me. (Starts to cry.)

Joey: Oh hey come on, don’t-don’t-don’t do this! Umm, look let-let me tell you something, okay? Now when I watch you do a scene, I’m thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress!" (She’s not buying it.) Uh but-but, I am also thinking, "She is hot!"

Cecilia: (intrigued) You think I’m hot?

Joey: You own the room. (She smiles and stares longingly into his eyes.) We should probably get-get uh…

Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the… (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the man’s face. (She does so.)

Joey: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that ‘cause she’s so passionate?

Cecilia: No! It’s because that way the camera only sees her! (She takes her hands off his face.) Do you wanna try it?

Joey: Yeah! Okay. (He puts his hands on her face and they kiss.)

Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands maybe a little off, they should be maybe right like… (She grabs the back of his neck and kisses him passionately causing them to fall onto the couch.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for the cute guy to show up for his cell phone. Rachel is putting on perfume by spraying it ahead of her face, and moving into it. Phoebe tries to steal some.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey!

(There is a knock on the door.)

Phoebe and Rachel: (simultaneously) Who is it?

Guy: Hi! It’s Tom, I’m here to pick up the phone.

(Rachel excitedly jumps up and heads for the door.)

Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door?

Rachel: Well why shouldn’t I?!

Phoebe: Because it’s my apartment!

Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.

Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the calls to China.

(Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older gentleman with white hair, enters.)

Tom: Hi!

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wow! How long were we arguing for?

Rachel: (laughs) You’re not the man who left the cell phone.

Tom: No that’s my assistant.

Rachel: Is-is he coming? (Looks hopefully out the door.)

Tom: Umm, no.

Phoebe: Could you-could you umm, give us one second?

Tom: Sure!

Rachel: We’ll be right back sir.

Tom: Sure.

(They walk into the living room.)

Phoebe: Wh-what do we do?

Rachel: I don’t know!

Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!

Rachel: I know! (Realizes what Phoebe said.) What?!

Phoebe: Hmm, they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore!

Rachel: (turning and looking at Tom again) No-no they do but, you just have to wait.

Phoebe: Rachel, listen—I mean, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one.

Rachel: (fake disappointment) All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me; you owe me big!

Phoebe: Yeah! You’re such a great friend!

Rachel: Ohh…

Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I going to take to dinner huh?

Phoebe: Oh that’d be me. Sir. (Hands him the cell phone.) After you.

Tom: Okay. Okay. (Exits and Phoebe checks him out.)

Phoebe: (whispering) Nice!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Cecilia is entering the living room from Joey’s room followed by Joey.]

Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room.

Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.

(She laughs as Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Hey!

(Rachel stops dead in her tracks when she sees whom Joey is with.)

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan!

Cecilia: Well, it’s nice to know that you…

Rachel: (screaming) MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!! (Runs to Monica’s.)

Joey: That uh, that is my roommate Rachel.

Cecilia: Oh that explains all the women’s underwear.

Joey: (shrugs) Sure. Yep.

Monica: (entering with Rachel) Oh my God! It’s true!! Oh my God you are so amazing! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one favor?

Cecilia: Certainly.

Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.)

Cecilia: I’d love to, but my lawyer said I can’t do that anymore.

Rachel: God. You seem really, really nice.

Joey: Okay, bye-bye.

Rachel: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people.

Joey: All right, here we go. (He grabs them and starts to pull them out of the apartment.)

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: (breaks away) Oh wait, just one more thing! One more minute! (To Cecilia) Umm, you’re a stupid bitch.

Cecilia: I really can’t slap you. (Monica walks away angrily)

Rachel: You are so beautiful.

Monica: Nice to meet you! My God you’re great!

Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! (Throws them out and closes the door.) (To Cecilia) I-I am so sorry. I…

Cecilia: Oh no-no-no-no, being adored. I’m used to it, don’t worry about it.

Joey: (notices something in the mail that Rachel brought in) Oh my God!

Cecilia: What?

Joey: They sent me today’s script! They never send the script!

Cecilia: They don’t?

Joey: Well no, I’m just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! (Realizes what that means.) Oh…

Cecilia: How does it happen?

Joey: (flipping to the last page) Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.

Cecilia: Ah what?! Jessica hates horses!

Joey: Yeah well, I’m guessing after this she’s not going to be crazy about electricity either.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe.]

Ross: …now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt.

Rachel: (giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks.

Ross: (To Rachel) Do you wanna start telling secrets?

Rachel: No!

Ross: (stands up) Now umm, remember I’m still learning.

(As he prepares to start, he makes several horrible noises that scares Rachel into retreat.)

Ross: One, two, three, four!

(He starts. And well, Celebration was never meant to be played on the bagpipe, so even the best bag pipe players in the world would have trouble with that particular song. So of course, for a beginner like Ross, it sounds absolutely dreadful. The assembled audience minus Phoebe, are horrified. Phoebe, immune to bad music, seems to enjoy it.)

Ross: You know the song! Sing along!

(Ross resumes playing, this time accompanied by Phoebe screeching out E’s in tune with Ross. While Phoebe is singing along, Rachel is having a very difficult time keeping a straight face. Thankfully, Ross gives up after a little while.)

Ross: So?

Monica and Chandler: No!

(Ross throws the bagpipes down in disgust.)

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, a scene is being shot where Dina and Fredrick are celebrating Jessica’s horrible accident by drinking champagne.]

Dina: Loosening the saddle on mother’s horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired.

Fredrick: Thank you sweetheart. (They clink glasses.)

Dina: I can’t believe she’s really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours. (They move into kiss but; they’re stopped by Joey entering with a huge bandage wrapped around his head.)

Joey: (as Jessica) I don’t think so.

Dina: Who are you?!

Jessica Lockhart: What’s the matter Dina? Don’t you recognize your own (Does a hair flip) mother?!

The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you!

Cecilia: (running out to Joey) That was so wonderful! (Hugs him) Ohh, I think that you’re a better Jessica than I ever was!

Joey: Oh noo…

Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very good.

Joey: Thanks!

Cecilia: And guess what? Good news! I got another job!

Joey: Great! Hey! All right! Well-well what is it?!

Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara!

Joey: The airport?

Cecilia: No that’s La Guardia. (Joey nods in recognition.) This is Mexico.

Joey: Ohh. Wow! Well how-how, how will you be gone?

Cecilia: Eight months.

Joey: That’s a really long time.

Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could uh, own a few places down there.

Joey: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. (Realizes.) And I just got what you meant again—That is—I tell ya, that is a tricky one!

Cecilia: That is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really wanna thank you. You’ve, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful.

Joey: Good luck.

Cecilia: You too.

(They kiss and both put their hands on the other’s face like Jessica would do.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe. Yes, I typed that earlier. We’re seeing this again, only this time Ross as already started playing.]

Ross: You know the song! Sing along!

Phoebe: Eeee!!! Eee!! Eee!!

(Monica (Courtney Cox) and Chandler (Matthew Perry) are laughing. That then causes Lisa and Jennifer come out of character and start laughing hysterically. And that finally causes David Schwimmer to come out of character and start laughing as well. Matthew decides to sing along now as well.)

Matthew Perry: Eee!! (This causes more laughter.)

Lisa Kudrow: Do it again!

(Matthew mimics the sound again.)

End

(Why was this the trailer? Well, that’s because it was an introduction into the special out takes episode that immediately followed the show. The entire out takes episode, Friends: The Stuff You’ve Never Seen can be read by following this link.)

The One With The Truth About London

Teleplay by: Zachary Rosenblatt

Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Directed by: David Schwimmer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi! Hi Ben!

Ben: Hi.

Ross: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.

Rachel: Oh, yeah go ahead.

(Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.)

Ross: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joey’s special romance magazines in there?

Rachel: No. No.

Ross: (to Ben) Okay! All clear!

Ben: (running to the bathroom) Thanks Phoebe!

Rachel: Ben, its Rachel! (He closes the door.) But whatever.

Ross: (to Ben) Everything okay in there?

Ben: Don’t talk to me now!

Rachel: Awww, just like his daddy.

Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean’s office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour?

Rachel: What-what about Monica?

Ross: Oh, she isn’t home.

Rachel: (nervous) So it would just be, me alone?

Ross: Well, Ben would be there.

Rachel: Huh umm…

Ross: What’s the matter?

Rachel: Well that—y’know it’s just uh, I’ve never done that before. Me and him alone.

Ross: Rach, he’s not an ex-con.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him?

Ross: I don’t know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay. (Ben enters) Ben? Come here. All right, I’m gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay?

Rachel: Yeah I think so.

Ross: (To Rachel) I wasn’t talking to you.

Ben: I’ll be okay.

Ross: Okay, I’ll see you soon buddy. (He hugs and kisses him.) Be back in an hour.

Ben: Bye dad.

Rachel: Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh… (Silence) So this is fun, huh?

Ben: Not really.

Rachel: Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink?

Ben: Okay.

Rachel: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke?

Ben: I’m not allowed to have soda.

Rachel: Okay. Well that’s pretty much all that we have—Oh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita? (Holds up a bottle of margarita mix.)

Ben: What’s a virgin?

Rachel: Water it is.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are talking. Joey and Phoebe are getting coffee.]

Monica: What about the second minister we meet with? I kinda liked him.

Chandler: You mean the spitter?

Monica: Come on! It wasn’t that bad!

Chandler: Easy for you to say; you’ll be wearing a veil.

Monica: All right, what about the third guy?

Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?

Monica: Can you blame him?

Chandler: Sorry, I just don’t like the idea of when I say, "I do," he’s thinking, "Yeah, I’d do her too!"

Monica: Well then we still have a problem.

Chandler: Yeah!

Phoebe: (returning with Joey) With what?

Monica: Well, we’re trying to find someone to perform our wedding and they’re all either boring or annoying or y’know, can’t stop staring at the ladies. (Points to her chest.)

(Joey nods his approval.)

Phoebe: Oo! You should have one of us do it!

Monica: Phoebe, we’re getting married, married; not sixth grade married.

Phoebe: No! No! It’s-it’s uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff!

Monica: Are you serious?

Phoebe: Yes! A friend of mine did it and it’s totally legal!

Joey: I call it!!

Phoebe: What?! No! It was my idea!

Chandler: Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.

Joey: Does calling it not mean anything anymore?!

Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their minds.]

Rachel: Ben y’know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. ‘Cause I was, I was your daddy’s girlfriend.

Ben: But you’re not anymore!

Rachel: No, I’m not.

Ben: ‘Cause you guys were on a break.

Rachel: Hey! We were not on a—Okay. That’s fine! Fine. Y’know what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay?

Ben: When’s my daddy coming back?

Rachel: (checks her watch) Fifty-two minutes. (Pause) So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don’t have to share stuff.

Ben: Sharing is good.

Rachel: Oh, you’re one of those. But y’know what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other.

Ben: Really? Like how?

Rachel: Well y’know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh, we’d jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so they’d put salt on their cereal.

Ben: (laughs) That’s a good one.

Rachel: Yeah? You like that one?

Ben: Yeah, you’re funny.

Rachel: I’m funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I’ve got a ton of these! Umm, oh hear—Do you want a good one? Here’s a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say to person, I bet you can’t roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they’re left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face.

Ben: Can I do it to you?

Rachel: Yeah, I-I-I-I’m funny Ben, but I’m not stupid. Okay?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch as Joey enters.]

Joey: So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?

Chandler: No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together.

Monica: We’re never gonna find anybody.

Joey: Well then let me do it!

Chandler: Joe…

Joey: No-no-no! Look, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m an actor right? So I won’t get nervous talking in front of people.

Monica: Joey look it’s really sweet…

Joey: No-no-no-no look no! I won’t spit, and I won’t stare at Monica’s breasts! Y’know? Everyone knows I’m an ass man!

Monica: That is true.

Joey: Yeah and the most important thing is that it won’t be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. It’ll be me! And I swear I’ll do a really good job. Plus, y’know I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me.

Chandler: (To Monica) Y’know, we haven’t found anybody else.

Monica: It might be kinda cool.

Joey: So I can do it?

Chandler: Yeah you can do it.

Joey: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Okay.

(Phoebe enters slowly.)

Monica: Hey Pheebs, how’s it going?

Phoebe: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache!

Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I get you something?

Phoebe: Oh my God, you’ve got to stop chattering!

Monica: Here, take a couple of these. (She gets up to grab a couple of pills.)

Phoebe: What is it?

Monica: It’s Hexadrin.

Phoebe: Oh no, I don’t believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here. (She’s pinching the bit of skin between her right thumb and forefinger with her left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.)

Monica: Okay, while we’re waiting for these pills to kick in, I’m gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. (Phoebe gets up and goes with her.) Get some nice soft pillows under your head, I’m gonna turn the TV on and you can watch whatever you want. And I’m—Sit down—(She sits down on the couch)—gonna make you some tea. And then, I’m gonna rub your feet.

Phoebe: Oh.

Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! (He’s sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she answers.]

Rachel: Coming.

(She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.)

Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.

Rachel: Uh-oh.

Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick.

Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old… (She is waving her hand up and down her face. She’s thinking about the pencil mark.)

Ross: That’s right! That’s right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!

Rachel: Oh that.

Ross: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They’re mean and they’re stupid and-and I don’t want my son learning them!

Rachel: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don’t think that’s just a little funny?!

Ross: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him right?

Rachel: (looking at his mark) Yes.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are there.]

Phoebe: It’s amazing! My headache is completely gone! What are those pills called?

Monica: Hexadrin. (She gets the box out of her purse.)

Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the box.) Oh look! It comes with a story! (She pulls out the instructions and side affects paper.)

Monica: No Phoebe, those are like the side affects and stuff.

Phoebe: Say what?

Monica: Y’know, the possible side affects.

Phoebe: Oh my God! (Starts reading them.) Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial swelling, nausea, headache—Headache. Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage! Now okay, I don’t recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death capsules! Oh I’m sorry, extra strength death capsules!

Monica: Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! They just put it on there for legal reasons!

Phoebe: Why?

Monica: In case it happens.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani! (Holds up the piece of paper bearing the proof of his ordination.)

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: You did it! You got ordained?!

Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!

Chandler: Our minister…

Phoebe: I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! (She grabs the left side of her torso.)

Monica: Phoebe, your liver is right here. (She points to the right side of her torso.)

Phoebe: Okay, then I must be disoriented.

Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I’m going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it?

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Yeah!

Joey: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so… (Starts to read the piece of paper he brought.) "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." (Monica and Chandler like it so far.) Eh? (He continues reading.) "It is a love based on giving and receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." (Phoebe nods her approval.) "We too can share and love and have and receive."

Chandler: (To Monica) Should we call the spitter?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, there is a knock on the door and Carol opens it to reveal Rachel.]

Carol: Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face and we see that Ben pulled the quarter trick with her as well.)

Rachel: Hi!

Carol: What a nice surprise! What are you doing here?

Rachel: Well y’know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and I thought to myself, "What’s up with Carol and sweet, little Ben?"

Carol: Can I ask what—Come on in.

Rachel: Okay.

Carol: Umm uh, I’ll make some coffee and we can uh, chat.

Rachel: I’d love that. I would loooove… (Carol goes to make the coffee and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little...

Ben: (jumping up from behind her chair) Gotcha!! (Rachel jumps up startled.)

Rachel: I found him! (To Ben) Very funny, come here! (She sits down on the coffee table and Ben walks up.) That is exactly why I’ve come here to talk to you okay?

Carol: (from the kitchen) Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee?

Rachel: Yes oh—(To Ben)—Do I want sugar in my coffee? (Ben nods no.) No, just some milk would be good Carol. Thanks. (To Ben) Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?

Ben: (mimicking her) Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?

Rachel: Don’t do that.

Ben: Don’t do that.

Rachel: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks.

Ben: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks.

Rachel: Oh damnit!

Ben: Oh damnit!

Rachel: No! Don’t say that! Don’t say that!

Ben: Damnit!

Rachel: No don’t! Go back to repeating!

Ben: Damnit!

Rachel: Oh crap!

Ben: Oh crap!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are returning from Central Perk.]

Phoebe: I feel like my face is swelling. (To Monica) Is my face swelling?

Monica: Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on, none of this stuff is going to happen to you! Stop being such a baby!

Phoebe: Oh, interesting you should call me that! Now that I may never have one! (Holds up the warning label.)

Joey: Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready?

Chandler: Yeah. O-okay.

Joey: (reading) "When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and…" And then I can’t think of a good word for right here. (He points to the stop on the paper where he left off.)

Monica: How about receiving?

Joey: Yes!

Chandler: See Joe, not that that’s not grrreat! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! Y’know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!

Joey: Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember?

Chandler: No, not us… (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)

Monica: I gotcha. Sorry. (To Monica) So, did you ever make him throw up a whole anything?

Phoebe: Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the eyes?

Monica: It doesn’t say that!

Phoebe: Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side affects!

Chandler: See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y’know, romantic stories. Nice stories.

Joey: Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I’ll talk about London! Y’know when you two hooked up! Only, only I won’t say hooked up. I’ll say, "Began their beautiful journey…"

Monica: There you go!

Joey: "…by doin’ it."

Chandler: Joe?

Joey: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing y’know you’re in the bathtub together and she’s feeding you strawberries?

Chandler: Isn’t that what happened with you and the bride’s maid?

Joey: Yeah!! I call that London style.

Monica: No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night because this guy that I was Ross’s mom.

Joey: Oh.

Monica: And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we drank too much…

Joey: Yeah baby!

Chandler: And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.

Joey: Oh.

Chandler: But then later that night…

Joey: Yeah baby!

[Cut to London, Chandler’s hotel room. He is getting ready for bed by doing push-ups. One push-up. Just as he gets under the covers, there’s a knock on the door.]

Chandler: (answering the door) Hey!

Monica: (standing outside) Cute PJ’s! You’re really livin’ it up here in London huh?

Chandler: Well I was… I was exactly expecting company after…(He looks at his watch.) 9:15.

Monica: (entering) Is Joey here?

Chandler: Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the bride’s maid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you’re not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya?

Monica: Wouldn’t you be?

Chandler: Well, look it’s been a really emotional time y’know, and you’ve had a lot to drink. And you’ve just got to let that go okay? I mean you were the most beautiful in the room tonight!

Monica: Really?

Chandler: You kidding? You’re the most beautiful woman in most rooms… (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?

Monica: Well, not anymore.

Chandler: But we don’t do that.

Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.

Chandler: How drunk are you?

Monica: Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.

Chandler: (thinks) That’s the perfect amount!

Monica: Okay!

(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)

Monica: (breaking the kiss) Y’know what’s weird?

Chandler: What?

Monica: This doesn’t feel weird!

Chandler: I know.

Monica: You’re a really good kisser.

Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?

Monica: Hm-hmm!

Chandler: Okay!

(They do so and they take off their clothes.)

Monica: Wow! You are really fast!

Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.

Monica: We’re gonna see each other naked.

Chandler: Yep!

Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?

Chandler: Count of three?

Monica: One!

Chandler: Two!

Monica: Two!

Monica and Chandler: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)

Chandler: Well I think it’s safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.

Monica: Eh, we weren’t that close anyway!

Chandler: Eh!

(They start making out again, and it takes Joey trying to enter to stop them.)

Chandler: Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! (Monica hides under the covers as Joey enters. Remember?)

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e… (Notices that the TV is turned off.)

Joey: Oh, dude I’m so sorry!

Chandler: No! No! No!

Joey: Hey no-no-no-no! It’s cool! It’s cool! I-I’ll only be a second, I’m still with my bride’s maid, I just—Where are those condoms you brought?

Chandler: They’re in my bag over there. (Points.)

Joey: Ah. (Joey walks to Chandler’s bag by getting as far away from Chandler’s bed as possible.)

Chandler: Uh, could you leave me one?

Joey: (pause) For just you?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Hey listen, why don’t you come downstairs with me? There’s some really nice girls down there.

Chandler: No I-I-I’m fine.

Joey: All right, here you go buddy. (He tosses him one.) Go nuts. (Exits.)

[Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe and Joey the story.]

Joey: That’s what that was?! ‘Cause that other thing? I thought you were on to something, but it did nothing for me.

Monica: Okay, can we change the topic? Because it’s really doing nothing for me.

Joey: Oh… (To Chandler) Can you imagine if I hadn’t left you that last one? You two might’ve never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! It’s like it was in the stars!

Phoebe: Yeah, it’s totally meant to be. (To Monica) Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night.

Monica: What?!

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: (To Joey) What?!

Chandler: Who did you originally want to hook up with?

Monica: Okay, fine but please don’t be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted…just sex. So, when I…went to your room that night…I was actually looking…for Joey. (Joey smiles.)

Joey: Yeah baby! (Chandler glares at him.) No baby!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.]

Chandler: (To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this?

Monica: No because it-it didn’t seem important.

Chandler: Oh, it’s not important? It’s not important?! If it wasn’t for a bride’s maid you’d be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me!

Monica: Noo!! The point is that is was you that was there that night! It is you that I am marrying! It is you that I feel in love with!

Joey: And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv—(Shuts up on Monica’s glare.)

Chandler: I don’t believe it. The most romantic night of my life and I’m runner up.

Monica: Chandler, please! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was not there that night?!

Joey: Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now I’m a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!

Chandler: (To Joey) Look there is no way you’re doing this wedding now. Okay?

Joey: What?! That’s not fair! It’s not my fault! I was off with my bride’s maid! And who’s to say I would’ve even said yes?! (To Monica) I mean I would’ve said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!

Chandler: Okay, it’s just weird! Okay? I don’t want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need…I don’t know what I need. I need a walk.

Monica: Wait Chandler come on, let’s—it’s not a big deal!

Chandler: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin. (Walks out and slams the door.)

Joey: This is crazy.

Phoebe: I know! Robin is so gay!

[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Rachel is talking with Ben.]

Rachel: So now what have we agreed?

Ben: No more pranks.

Rachel: And-and what else?

Ben: That you and daddy were not on a break.

Rachel: Very good.

(There’s a knock on the door and Ross enters.)

Ross: Rachel! What are you doing here?

Rachel: I’m just visiting my good friend Carol.

Ross: Your good friend?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: What’s her last name?

Rachel: Carol…Lesbian?

Ross: Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face?

Rachel: What line?

Ross: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say uh, (In a college frat boy voice) "Dude, don’t you ever was your face?"

Rachel: All right, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you were so mad already!

Ross: Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate this stuff! Okay? It-it’s not funny!

Carol: (entering from the kitchen) Hey Ross!

Ross: Hi.

Carol: What’s not funny?

Ross: Practical jokes.

Carol: Oh I…I think they’re funny.

Ross: You have a line down your face.

Carol: What? (Goes and checks.)

Rachel: Okay, maybe they are not funny to you…

Carol: (yelling from the bathroom) Oh my God!

Rachel: Or Carol! But they’re funny to kids and who is it hurting?!

Ross: Uh, y’know what? I’ll tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal’s office wearing nothing but a catcher’s mitt!

Rachel: That was you?! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really just shake your fist in the air and shout, "I will be revenged?!"

Ross: I will be! Listen, I don’t want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay?

Rachel: Fine. Fine, but I’ll have you know that once I taught him that stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel but I’ll go back to being Boring and Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if that’s what you want!

Ross: No that’s not what I want. Uh, I’m glad you guys were bonding but I…

Rachel: Look he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters, somebody’s gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I haven’t taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesn’t know anyway!

Ben: (yelling from off camera) Crap!!

Rachel: I gotta go! (Runs out.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sulking on the couch as Joey enters to talk with him.]

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey. Do you want this scone? (Holds up his plate) It came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you!

Joey: Chandler, come on nothing even happened!

Chandler: Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding…

Joey: No-hey-no! If you don’t want me to do it, I except that. I don’t care about that. I just…I don’t want you to be upset.

Chandler: How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!

Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! You’re so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, ‘cause you guys are perfect for each other. Y’know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just…it-it fits. Y’know? And you just know it’s gonna last forever.

Chandler: That’s what you should say.

Joey: What?

Chandler: When you’re marrying us; that’s what you should say.

Joey: Really? I can do it?

Chandler: I’d love it if you would do it.

Joey: Hey! (They hug.)

Chandler: But those are the words! Those exact words!

Joey: Well I don’t know remember exactly but, it’s-it’s pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is in the kitchen as Ross and Ben are entering.]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Ross: Hey I’m sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you can look after Ben for a little bit? I-I’ve got this meeting at school. And-and he-he asked for his uh, ‘Fun Aunt’ Rachel, so…

Rachel: Ohhh! Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don’t we Ben? (He nods yes.)

Ross: Okay, I’ll see you later pal.

(Ross turns to leave.)

Rachel: Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back that reads ‘Poop.’) Wh—Ah-ha! (Ross stops and turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I can’t do it.

Ross: What?

Rachel: I can’t let him go out that way, he’s got a meeting. (To Ross) You’ve got something here on your back.

Ross: What? (She takes the sign off and hands it to him.) That’s great. That is great. (Crumples up the paper and throws it down in anger.) What did we just finish talking about Ben?!

Rachel: Oh I…

Ben: What did we just finish talking about Ben?!

Ross: All right, that’s it! (He runs over to Ben, but he runs past him and out the door.) Come—you—no! You are in big trouble young man!

Rachel: No! Wait! Come on!

[Cut to the hallway, Ben runs upstairs with Ross in pursuit.]

Ross: Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not kidding!

Rachel: No you guys… (She walks out into the hallway.)

Ross: I-I-am—(Suddenly Ross starts screaming and comes falling down the stairs landing just in front of Rachel.)

Rachel: EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My God!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!! (She runs over to him and finds that it was a dummy and that she had been had.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are entering. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Hey-hey.

Joey: So are guys doing okay?

Chandler: Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important.

Monica: Yeah baby! (Phoebe and Joey nod.)

Phoebe: I’m really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what would happen if-if you two (Points to Monica and Joey) actually had hooked up.

[Scene: Monica and Joey’s, Monica is cooking.]

Monica: Honey! Dinner’s ready!

(Joey, whose new diet is working out great, he looks like he only weighs 375 down from 420 enters from the bedroom.)

Fat Joey: What’s my little chef got for me tonight?

Monica: Your favorite!

Joey: Ho-ho-ho, (pausing for a rest next to the fridge) fried stuff with cheese!

Monica: Yep! And lot’s of it!

Fat Joey: Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here. (They kiss.) Okay.

(Joey sits down.)

Monica: Okay, in we go.

(Monica gets behind him and in combination with his sliding the chair forward and her pushing with her leg manages to get up to the table.)

Fat Joey: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! (Groans and picks up a piece of food.) How you doin’?

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting Phoebe some coffee.]

Joey: Here you go.

Phoebe: (still reading the label) Oh my God! This is a six-hour pill! (Checks her watch) That’s it! I’m out of the woods! Ohh! What a relief!

Joey: Good for you!

Phoebe: Oh, it’s like huge weight has been lifted! ‘Cause look, (reads the side affects) no hair loss, not a rash, no hives, I’m just so happy! Because no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria—Oh.

End

The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress

Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there. Monica is holding a piece of paper.]

Monica: So the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and I have to narrow it down to six.

Joey: Food? Uh-huh gimme! (She hands him the paper.)

Chandler: So did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings that we’re trying to get to play at the wedding?

Phoebe: Since when are you into swing music?

Chandler: Oh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands!

Monica: Chandler.

Chandler: Gap commercial. (To Monica) So did you book them? Did you call?

Monica: I will.

Chandler: Do you want me to call?

Monica: No, I’ll do it. You just stick to your job.

Phoebe: What is your job?

Chandler: Staying out of the way.

Joey: This is impossible Monica, why don’t you just pick all 15? (Hands back the paper.)

Monica: There were only twelve.

Joey: Oh yeah, I added three.

Monica: What are peanut butter fingers?!

Joey: Oh yeah… (He mimes sticking his fingers into a jar of peanut butter, scooping some out, and eating it off his fingers.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Ross are at a newsstand.]

Ross: (noticing a beautiful woman moving in down the street) Well hello! She’s cute! Should we uh, go try to talk to her?

Chandler: Sure! That’s one of the great things about being engaged. I’m not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore.

The Woman: Could you guys help me? (Chandler shyly exhales and looks away.)

Ross: Uh yeah! Let me, let me get that for you.

The Woman: It-it’s really heavy.

Ross: (exhales) I got it. (He lifts the box and grunts under the strain.) (Calmly) So hi, I’m uh, I’m Ross and this is my friend Chandler. (He shyly waves.)

The Woman: I-I am Kristen.

Ross: Kristen, hi. Are you uh, new to the area, ‘cause if you are…I’d love to show you around sometime.

Kristen: I…I uh, actually just moved from four blocks over.

Ross: Ah.

Kristen: But-but this block is like a whole other world.

Ross: Y’know actually it does have a very interesting history. Uh, this street is the first street in the city to have an underground sewer system. (Kristen crinkles her nose at that.) Before that sewage and waste would just flow right down the street. Yeah, sometimes ankle deep! (He stops when he realizes what he’s talking about.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Smooth.

Kristen: (To Chandler) Excuse me? (Chandler does the shy thing again.)

Ross: Umm, say you’re gonna be starving after all this moving. What do you say I take you to dinner tonight?

Kristen: Oh I’d like that.

Ross: Yeah?

Kristen: Yeah.

Ross: Great! Uh, let me take this up for you. (The box he’s holding.)

Kristen: After you.

Ross: Oh no-no, after you. (She grabs a chair and heads upstairs.) (When she’s gone.) Oh my God! (He drops the box and Chandler can’t pick it up.)

[Scene: A Bridal Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for Monica who is trying on her wedding dress.]

Phoebe: (wearing a veil) Am I crazy or does this totally go?!

(Monica enters from the dressing room wearing her gown.)

Rachel: Oh my God! You look so beautiful!

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Thank you Rachel but, look at Monica!

Monica: This is it. Yeah, this is the one. I can’t believe I found it!

(Another woman walks up.)

The Woman: Wow you look so beautiful! If I knew you, I’d cry.

Monica: Well I’m Monica Geller, ball like a baby.

The Woman: I’m Megan Bailey.

Monica: Have you found your dress yet?

Megan: Oh no, these dresses are all so amazing but there is no way I could afford one.

Monica: No, I can’t afford this either. No. I-I-I’m, I’m just to figure out which one I want then I’m gonna get it at Kleinman’s, this discount place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are having a huge sale.

Megan: Oh, thanks for the tip.

Monica: Yeah! So-so when are you getting married?

Megan: Oh I’m not, I just like to try these on.

Rachel: I do the same thing.

Megan: I’m just kidding. I’m getting married July 25th.

Rachel: I’m just kidding too. (Laughs) I’m getting married in December. (Turns away not happy with herself.)

Megan: (To Monica) So when are you getting married?

Monica: Oh May 15th.

Megan: Oooh it’s getting close!

Monica: Yeah!

Megan: So uh, who’s your photographer?

Monica: Jeffery.

Megan: We met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did?

Monica: The best man? Wow!

Megan: I know! I almost called off my wedding. Oh, who’s your band?!

Monica: Oh, my fiancee wants the Swing Kings.

Megan: Oh, you’re so lucky. My fiancee wants the heavy metal band Carcass.

Phoebe: Ooh, is that spelled with a ‘C’ or a ‘K’? Oh my God! It doesn’t matter; they’re both great!

(Another woman walks past Rachel carrying a wedding dress.)

Rachel: Oh y’know what? Y’know what? Now that you know what you want you should go to Kleinman’s and get it half off. This place is so overpriced.

The Woman: I own this store.

Rachel: So, does this (The dress) come in another color or… (The store owner walks away.)

[Scene: A Street, Joey is walking by Kristen who is still moving in.]

Joey: (checking her out) Hi! You uh, movin’ in or movin’ out?

Kristen: I’m moving in.

Joey: Oh uh, can I give you a hand?

Kristen: Oh okay. But y’know what? Be careful. Because a guy was helping me before had to leave because he hurt his back.

Joey: Boyfriend?

Kristen: No.

Joey: I’m Joey. (They shake hands.)

Kristen: Kristen.

Joey: Oh wow, what a beautiful name! (Pause) What is it again?

Kristen: Kristen.

Joey: Got it! (He picks up a lamp.) So…

Kristen: So uh, do you live around here?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Right down there. (Points.) Hey listen; let me give you a little tip. Do not take a nap on this stoop (Points to hers) or you can wake up with your shoes gone.

Kristen: I’ll remember that.

Joey: Okay. Yeah. Listen would you uh, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Kristen: Oh I, I have plans tonight.

Joey: Oh.

Kristen: But how about tomorrow?

Joey: Sounds great! Okay all right, well where does this go? (The lamp he’s holding.)

Kristen: You look strong, why don’t I take that and you grab one of the boxes.

Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, I’ll grab this one. (He follows her upstairs.)

[Scene: Kleinman’s, a horde of women including Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica are waiting for the store to open.]

A Woman: What is taking so long?! I mean whatever!

Rachel: (To Phoebe) So this is Brooklyn.

Monica: All right, listen up. There is usually only one dress in each size so when they open those doors, fan out. Now, this is what you’re looking for! (Holds up a picture of it.) Memorize it! When you locate the dress, blow on these. All right? (She passes out whistles to them.) Three short blasts, when you hear it. Come running.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Got it.

Monica: All right.

(A worker comes to open the door and the horde starts to press forward.)

A Woman: Here he comes! Hurry!

Rachel: Oh they’re pushing! They’re pushing!!

Monica: (To Rachel) Hey! Don’t be a baby!

Rachel: Well I…

(The door opens allowing the horde to charge in, knocking Rachel out of the way and to the ground.)

A Woman: Let’s go!!

Phoebe: (coming back out) Hey! Rachel! Come on!!!!

[Time lapse, inside the store, Monica is frantically looking for her dress.]

Monica: No. No. Not it. Not it. Not it. (Checks another rack and another woman tries to reach around her.) (To the woman) Don’t crowd me! (Finds it) This is it! This is the dress! Oh my God, it’s perfect! (She takes it off of the rack and someone has a hold of it on the other side of the rack and tugs on it.) I’m sorry, this one’s taken! (The other woman tugs harder pulling Monica through the rack.) Whoa!

Monica: Megan!

Megan: Monica!

Monica: You came?!

Megan: Yeah!

Monica: This is my dress!

Megan: No!

Monica: Yes it is! You saw me wearing it!

Megan: And now you’ll see me buying it.

Monica: What? You freak! You wouldn’t even have known about this place if it wasn’t for me!

Megan: Look, you don’t want to fight me.

Monica: Maybe I do! I’m pretty feisty! (She blows the signal.)

[Cut to Phoebe in another part of the store.]

Phoebe: (hearing the signal) I’m coming! I’m coming! (She takes off towards the signal and almost knocks another woman over.)

Woman: Hey!

(She hears another signal in another direction.)

Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in the second direction and finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blowing on the whistle.) What are you doing? (Rachel doesn’t stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel won’t stop so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.)

Phoebe: Did you find the dress?

Rachel: No! You gotta get me out of here Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are crazy!

Phoebe: I—We gotta get Monica. (She starts to leave.)

Rachel: No! You gotta hold my hand!!

Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She grabs Rachel’s hand and drags her towards Monica.) Excuse me! Excuse me! (She’s knocking women and veils out of the way as she moves.)

(She gets to Monica who has the dress balled up in one hand and is sitting on Megan who is sprawled out on the floor.)

Monica: (handing Phoebe the dress) Go! Go! Go!

Rachel: (seeing who’s trapped) Hey…

Monica: NOW!!!!!!!! (Rachel runs off and Monica gets up to follow her.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there.]

Chandler: So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?

Ross: Laugh all you want but uh, she actually left me a message saying she’d like to go out again.

Chandler: Huh.

Ross: Yeah in fact, I’m gonna go call her right now. And I’ll make sure to tell her my friend Chandler says… (He mimics the shy reaction Chandler did.)

Joey: (entering) Hey Chandler!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Listen, sorry I didn’t stop by last night but I had a date.

Chandler: Uh Joe, when it’s one o’clock in the morning and you don’t come by? That’s okay!

Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!

Chandler: Really? Right across the street?

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: When’d you meet her?

Joey: Two days ago.

Chandler: Excellent! Y’know Ross met somebody too!

Joey: Oh yeah?

Ross: (returning) Hey.

Chandler: Hi! How’d it go?

Ross: Oh great! We’re going out again Saturday. But I just found she’s also seeing some other guy.

Chandler: (sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross’s situation?

Joey: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I’m dating this girl who’s also seeing another guy. But, I don’t know, I’m not to worried about it.

Ross: Well you shouldn’t be. Believe me I wouldn’t want to be the guy who’s up against you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is going to lose!

Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didn’t have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, what’s the name the girl you’re dating?

Joey and Ross: Kristen Lang.

Chandler: Bye! (Exits.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse from the earlier scene.]

Ross: Well obviously only one of us can keep dating her.

Joey: Obviously! So, how do we decide?

Ross: Well now let’s-let’s look at this objectively, I think I should date her…

Joey: (not buying it) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or, or I’m the one who dates her.

Ross: That’s interesting, but check this out. I date her…

Joey: Yeah-yeah I like that but just to go in another direction…

Ross: Okay, okay. This can go on for a while.

Joey: Yeah well we should order some food then.

Ross: No Joey! Look why don’t, why don’t we just let her decide? Okay? Hey-hey, we’ll each go out with her one more time. And-and we’ll see who she likes best.

Joey: (smiling) That sounds fair.

Ross: Maybe I’ll take her to that new French restaurant down the street…

Joey: Ah yeah—wait a second now! Look we’re gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don’t have the money to take her to a fancy place like that.

Ross: Well sorry, that’s what I do on dates.

Joey: All right, well I guess I’ll just have to do what I do on dates.

Ross: So let’s decide on the spending limit…

Joey: Yeah. Uh, (thinks)…a slice…(Thinks)…six dollars?

Ross: I was thinking more like a hundred.

Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are admiring Monica’s wedding dress.]

Monica: Oh…

Phoebe: I know. Hand me a tissue. (Monica hands her one.)

(Rachel goes to the fridge, opens it, and blows on the whistle Monica gave her at the store, which causes Phoebe and Monica to turn around and look at her.)

Rachel: You’re out of Diet Coke.

(The phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel goes into the bathroom.)

Monica: Hello? (Listens) What?! (Listens) You what?! (Listens) Hey you listen here missy! (Listens) Wh—(She is hung up on.)

Phoebe: What?!

Monica: That was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said that I couldn’t have them back unless I gave her the dress!

Phoebe: (gasps) Does that mean Carcass is available?

Monica: What am I gonna do?! That is the dress! That is the dress! Wh…Chandler wants the band. What do I do?

Phoebe: Well just figure out a way to talk him out of it.

Monica: How?

(There are three short whistle blasts from the bathroom.)

Rachel: You’re out of toilet paper!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is getting ready for his date with Kristen.]

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey! What’s up?

Joey: I just wanted to come by and y’know, wish you good luck on your date.

Ross: Oh thanks!

Joey: Yeah. What time are you meeting her?

Ross: We have 8:00 reservations at Grammercy Bistero.

Joey: Wow, that’s in like 20 minutes. You’d better get dressed.

Ross: I am dressed.

Joey: Oh. Well good! (To himself) For me. (He picks up a jar of lotion.) What is this? Did you give yourself a facial?

Ross: I have an oily T-zone!

Joey: Okay dude! (Finds a receit.) Hey you uh, you sent Kristen flowers.

Ross: That’s right.

Joey: You spent a hundred dollars. That’s the limit. You’re screwed!

Ross: Uh actually, I sent the flowers before the actual date. So techincally, technically I didn’t break any rules. Thanks for stopping by though.

Joey: Oh-oh! So that’s the way it’s gonna be huh? Yeah I can break the rules too y’know!

Ross: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?

Joey: I don’t know.

Ross: Why am I not surprised?

Joey: Y’know what Ross? I’m not gonna let you get away with this!

Ross: I don’t think you have much choice.

Joey: Well we’ll see!

Ross: Bye-bye!

Joey: Yeah bye-bye! (Exits and comes back in still holding the lotion.) Hey! So just a light layer?

Ross: Yes. Yes. Just here (Runs his fingers down the bridge of his nose) and there (Runs his fingers across his forehead).

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering without touching anything with his hands. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his hands.)

Phoebe: Yeah, swing music is so out.

Monica: Phoebe, he’s gotta be in the room for that to work.

Chandler: (returning) What are you guys talking about?

Monica: Well umm, we were just talking about the y’know, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether y’know, they were the right way to go.

Rachel: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. And now I’m not saying that there’s any connection here y’know, but they did tell me that’s why they got divorced.

Chandler: But I love swing music!

Phoebe: Yeah but the Swing Kings? Y’know they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts—They just stop living.

Chandler: Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there’s another reason too.

Rachel: Well, what is the other reason?

Chandler: I don’t want to say.

Rachel: Well you have to because maybe it’s stupid.

Chandler: Well it’s just while Monica and I were dancing to them it was…the first time I knew that…you were the woman I wanted to dance all my dances with.

Monica: Oh crap!

[Scene: Grammercy Bistero, Ross and Kristen are waiting for their table to be ready. Ross is returning from talking to the matire’d.]

Ross: So they said our table will be ready in just a few minutes.

Kristen: Oh great!

Ross: Yeah.

Kristen: Is your back feeling better?

Ross: Oh yeah it’s fine. I guess the more muscles you have the more they can spasim out of control.

Joey: (entering) Kristen?

Kristen: Joey!

Joey: Hi!

Kristen: Hi! What are you doing here?

Joey: Oh I like this place. And technically, technically I’m not breaking any rules so I…

Kristen: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross.

Joey: Hi!

Ross: Hi. (They shake hands.) It’s nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don’t anymore.

Kristen: Our table will be ready in a couple minutes.

Ross: Yeah. So…

Joey: Sure! I would love to wait with you guys! Thanks! (Sits down.)

Ross: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something?

Kristen: Well Joey doesn’t like to talk about it but, he’s one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives.

Ross: That’s right! That’s right, don’t you play a woman?

Joey: A woman in a man’s body.

Ross: Much better.

Joey: So y’know Ross it’s funny ‘cause, you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married?

Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how I’ve been married and how I have a son.

Kristen: Yeah, little Eric.

Ross: That’s right! Wait no, Ben.

Joey: So you’ve just married the one time then?

Ross: Well umm…

Kristen: You’ve been married twice?

Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy I’m getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you eat some of her food?

Kristen: You said the waiter ate my crab cake.

Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well now—why did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian?

Kristen: Do you two know each other?

Joey and Ross: No. No.

Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.

(Kristen is not enjoying this.)

Ross: Wait a minute! Were you on a poster for gonorrhea?

Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?!

Ross: Hey you leave Marcel out of this!

Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?!

Ross: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet VD boy?!

Joey: Monkey lover!

(They both notice that Kristen has left.)

Joey: When do you think we lost her?

Ross: Probably around gonorrhea.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering.]

Chandler: Hi, honey! I’m home!

Monica: (from the bedroom) Don’t come in here!

Chandler: Why? Do you another boyfriend in there or something?

Monica: No! We only mess around at his place!

Chandler: Y’know it’s funny I started it but, now it’s scary me. So could you come out here please?

Monica: No, I’m wearing a wedding dress.

Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? That’s great!

Monica: Yeah but I’m not keeping it.

Chandler: Well then why can’t I see it?

Monica: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have to return it, so you can’t like it.

Chandler: Okay I promise. I’ll-I’ll hate it. (She enters.) Wow! You-you look…hideous.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah, that’s like the most ugliest dress I’ve ever seen. Wh-why do you to return it?

Monica: Oh because it doesn’t…really fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings.

Chandler: Oh that’s great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it’s like yuck! It’s terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!

Monica: Okay! But you can’t rip it. Well, maybe a little.

Chandler: Okay!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are watching a basketball game on the couch.]

Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Do you wanna look at the song list for the wedding? (They ignore her.) Guys?

Chandler: (without turning around) I thought you were gonna be gone all day.

Monica: All right? What’s going on?

(They all slowly turn around to reveal that they are giving themselves a facial.)

Monica: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I-I should probably leave you girls alone. (She heads for the bedroom.)

Ross: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we’re gonna have younger looking skin!

Joey: Yeah! (Monica goes in the bedroom.) Y’know, she could use a little…(Whistles that she needs to do what they’re doing.) (Something happens on the game.) Oh nice shot!!! (They all cheer.)

End

The One With Joey’s Award

Teleplay by: Brian Boyle

Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there as Joey is entering excitedly.]

Joey: Hey! You guys! You’re not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent…

Phoebe: Oh my God! (Joey looks at her.) I’m sorry, too soon. You go.

Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!

Monica: Joey!

Phoebe: Good for you!

Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I can’t believe you’re nominated for an Emmy!

Joey: No-no.

Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!

Joey: No! I’m up for a Soapie!

Monica: Honey? Is that something you’re making up?

Joey: No, no, no! It’s real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel returns from the bathroom.) Hey Rach! Rach! I’m up for a Soapie!

Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!

Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I’m taking to the awards. (Points to Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh, stop that! Don’t kid about that! (Gasps) Will all the stars be there?

Joey: Many are scheduled to appear.

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t go! I’m gonna be too nervous!

Monica: (to Joey) Okay, I’ll go!

Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have.

Opening Credits

[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]

Ross: …and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand it’s collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten it’s predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?

Lewis: What kinda noise?

Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.

Lewis: But like how?

Ross: Well we-we don’t know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesn’t know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, that’s uh, that’s all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?

Morse: Yes sir.

Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I’m afraid I-I had to fail you.

Morse: (shocked) Why?!

Ross: Well you need 60% to pass…

Morse: What’d I get?

Ross: Seven.

Morse: That’s not so good.

Ross: No-no it’s not. What-what happened there Ned?

Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I’m sort of in love.

Ross: Well I’m sorry but, that-that’s really not my problem.

Morse: I’m in love with you.

Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.

Morse: You see, that’s why I did so bad on this test. I’m having a hard time concentrating. When you’re up there (Points to the podium) and you’re teaching and your face gets all serious…you look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater…

Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, I’m your teacher. I’m sorry, you’re-you’re a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy checking them out.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!

Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, he’s really cute.

Phoebe: Go for it.

Monica: Phoebe, I’m engaged!

Phoebe: I’m just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and can’t perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.

The Cute Guy: (To Monica) Hi!

Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I’m engaged. (Points to her ring.)

The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.

Monica: Well you should be embarrassed. (Leaves.)

The Cute Guy: (To Phoebe) I thought you knew I was looking at you.

Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting in the chair.]

Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the winner is…Joey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup as the award.) Oh… Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didn’t prepare a speech. But umm, I’d like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my parents, who’ve always been there for me. I’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel…

Rachel: I’m fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you with your little maple syrup award!

Joey: Yeah may-maybe you don’t tell anyone about this.

Rachel: What? No! It’s not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.

Joey: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: What award are you practicing for?

Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist.

Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie’s called today and I also get to present an award.

Rachel: Ohh that’s great!

Joey: Yeah!

Rachel: So you’ll definitely get onstage, even if you don’t win.

Joey: (confused) What you-you don’t think I’m gonna win?

Rachel: Well of course I do! But y’know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you’re up against the guy who survived his own cremation.

Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it’s just…I’ve never even been nominated before! I want it so much.

Rachel: Well Joey, you’ll probably get it. But you should probably your-your gracious loser face. Y’know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y’know? So it’s sorta like… (Does it, you’ll have to see it.)

Joey: Hey! (Likes it.)

Rachel: Y’know?

Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too?

Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win.

Joey: Ah.

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, she’s cooking as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Oh hey!

Monica: Hey! How’d your date go with Jake?

Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldn’t keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y’know, he’d kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)

Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you’re getting me all tingly.

Phoebe: (laughs) All I could think of was y’know, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?"

Monica: And did he?

Phoebe: I’m a lady Monica, I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. (She starts to open up her blouse.)

Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it.

Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel like I’ve had 10 drinks today and I’ve only had six.

Monica: Oh, I haven’t had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, I’m never gonna have that feeling again am I?

Phoebe: You sound like a guy.

Monica: No, a guy would be saying, "I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! I’ve been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I’d be giving up! I mean, I…I’m never gonna have a first kiss again.

Phoebe: You’ll have a last kiss.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey with his tie.]

Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?

Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?

Ross: There’s this kid in my class who said he’s in love with me.

Joey: Whoa!

Rachel: (entering from her room) Whoa what?

Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.

Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There’s a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Yeah! I don’t know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of…sexy professor vibe? (Rachel and Joey both look at him.)

Rachel: Not right now.

Ross: It-it—The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.

Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y’know you—I couldn’t concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what’s it’s like to be 19 and in love.

Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: How’d you get over that teacher?

Rachel: I didn’t. I got under him.

Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk.]

Jake: Bye Phoebe.

Phoebe: Okay bye. (They kiss.)

Jake: All right. Bye. (Backs out the door.)

Phoebe: Bye! (Phoebe goes over and joins Monica on the couch.) We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.

Monica: Phoebe, it’s okay. You don’t have to tip toe around me. I-I’ve been thinking about it and umm, y’know what? I’m okay about not having that new relationship feeling…

Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!!

Phoebe: (yelling back) I miss you too!!!! (He walks away.)

Monica: See? That’s what I mean. I mean that, that’s great! But I wouldn’t trade in what I have for that. I mean I’m gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and that’s what makes me happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is don’t you think?

Chandler: Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger.

[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, Joey’s category is up next and the presenter walks to the podium.]

Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensize…

[Cut to Joey and Rachel’s table.]

Joey: (To Rachel) This is it! This is my category.

Rachel: I know! My God! Do you have your speech?

Joey: Yeah, I got my speech!

Rachel: Do you got your gracious loser face?

Joey: Yeah. (Does it.)

Rachel: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me!

Joey: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass?

Rachel: On TV?! Yeah!

Joey: ‘Kay!

[Cut to the presenter.]

The Presenter: …in the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the nominees are: John Wheeler from General Hospital (Applause), Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless (Applause), Dunkin Harrington from Passions (Applause), and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes to…(She opens the envelope)…Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless!

Joey: What the?! (Joey pounds the table and starts yelling at Rachel, and which is drowned out by applause. Rachel is desperately trying to tell Joey that he’s on TV right now. He finally notices and he does his gracious loser face.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, the announcer is introducing the next presenter.]

Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the trophy.)

Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is…(Opens the envelope)…Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn’t be with us tonight so I’ll be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And I’m sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel who’s sittin’ right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are entering.]

Rachel: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?!

Joey: Rach we had to get out of there because, look what I won! (He whips out the award for Best Supporting Actress that he accepted for Jessica.)

Rachel: Oh my God you stole her award!

Joey: No-no! No, I’m accepting it on her behalf. (He puts it up above the TV to display it.)

Rachel: Joey I don’t think you know what behalf means.

Joey: Sure I do! It’s a verb! As in, "I behalfin’ it!"

Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back!

Joey: But why?! I should’ve won one and I really want it and she didn’t even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.

Rachel: (looking at the award) No! Joey!

Joey: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of ‘em.

Rachel: Do you really want an award you didn’t win?

Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobody’s giving me any of those! Plus—Hey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over they’ll see it and they’ll think I won it.

Rachel: Joey is says Best Supporting Actress!

Joey: I can scratch that right off.

Rachel: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don’t want to win an award this way. You’re very talented. And someday you’re gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something.

Joey: All right!

Rachel: All right? (He sets the award down.) Thank you.

Joey: I’ll take it back tomorrow.

Rachel: Thank you.

(He goes into his room and closes the door. Rachel goes to pick it up and…)

Joey: (opening his door) If I can’t have it you can’t have it! (Rachel walks away angrily.)

[Scene: Ross’s Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see him.]

Lewis: Professor Geller?

Ross: (turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?

Lewis: I know I didn’t do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could change my grade.

Ross: And why exactly would I do that? (Goes back to writing on the board.)

Lewis: Because I’m in love with you.

Ross: (turning around and dragging the chalk down the board) What?!

Lewis: Yeah, I’m all…in love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade?

Ross: No!

Lewis: Well why not you changed Ned’s grade!

Ross: Well that’s different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me!

Lewis: No he’s not! He’s totally yanking your chain! He’s done this with three other teachers!

Ross: What?

Lewis: He’s got a girlfriend!

Ross: I can’t believe someone would do that for a grade.

Lewis: I know! It’s awful. I love you.

(Ross glares at him.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters.]

Monica: Have you seen Chandler?

Phoebe: No. Why?

Monica: ‘Cause I just keeping thinking about all these things that I’m not gonna have and it’s freaking me out. I don’t know what to do about it.

Phoebe: Okay, don’t sweat it. (Looking around her.) Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guy’s cute. (Points to a guy sitting behind Monica.)

Monica: Phoebe! Come on I’m serious! I just got to talk to him about all this.

Phoebe: No that is the last thing you want to do!

Monica: Why?

Phoebe: Because you’re marrying him!

Monica: You gotta help me out here Pheebs.

Phoebe: All right, I’ve never been engaged and I’ve never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband.

Monica: So I’m not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with?

Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, you’re supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight.

Monica: Your mother told you this?

Phoebe: Yes!

Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?

Phoebe: Oh my God! You’re right! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry before it’s too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean putting out doesn’t get you love? (Monica is shocked.)

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey and Rachel are there to give Jessica her award.]

Rachel: I cannot believe I’m gonna meet Jessica Ashley!

Joey: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman.

Rachel: Okay, I’m totally cool! (She coolly knocks on the door)

Jessica Ashley: Come in.

(The enter.)

Joey: Hey Jessica.

Rachel: (coolly) Hey Jess.

Joey: Ah, this is my friend Rachel.

Jessica Ashley: Hi.

Rachel: ‘Sup? (Joey glares at her.)

Joey: Uh listen, here’s your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. (Hands it to her.)

Jessica Ashley: (shocked) Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this means?! (She rolls her eyes and throws it onto the couch.)

Joey: Well, that-that-that’s it? You’re gonna, you’re gonna put it on your self or anything?

Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you’ll excuse me. (She exits.)

Joey: (To Rachel) Take it back?

Rachel: Absolutely.

Joey: Y-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel pauses and steals a vase with flowers in it.) Yeah you do. (They exit.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is talking to Chandler.]

Monica: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share?

Chandler: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big

Monica: You’re wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at all?

Chandler: Kinda. They’re really big.

Monica: Doesn’t it ever just freak you out that-that you’re never gonna be with anybody new again?

Chandler: What?

Monica: Just, I love you so much. Just…It’s just sometimes it bothers me that I’m never gonna have that feeling. Y’know when you meet someone for the first time and it’s new and exciting? Y’know that rush?

Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet somebody it’s uh it’s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.

Monica: Okay, but all right you’re a guy, does it not freak you that you’re never gonna sleep with anybody else?

Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I’m afraid even more sweating.

Monica: Even with me?

Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that you’re having these thoughts, I’m back to panic, anxiety, and uh I’m definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.

Monica: Come here! Come here! (They hug.) Sweetie you don’t have to worry. No, besides y’know what? I’m gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid…

Chandler: (hoarsely) Water! Water! Water!

[Scene: Ross’s classroom, he has just finished his lecture and the students are filing out.]

Ross: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?

Morse: (walking up) That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little hair cut?

Ross: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that I’m changing your grade back.

Morse: What?! Why?

Ross: ‘Cause I know what you’re trying to pull here. Okay? It’s not gonna work.

Morse: I’m not trying to pull anything. Look I love you dude.

Ross: Y’know what? I-I’m not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay—(Ned looks shocked)—Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You don’t love me and you never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, I’ll be right with you. (To Ned) Don’t make this worse and I’ll give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They leave.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]

Phoebe: Rach?

Rachel: I’ll be out in a second.

(Phoebe notices the Soapie on the counter.)

Phoebe: Oh. (Picks it up.) It’s just so unexpected! I…I uh…Boy I’ll tell you it’s just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and y’know to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in…

Rachel: (entering from her room) Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00.

Phoebe: …in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. (To an imaginary Neil Simon) Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. (Blows him a kiss.)

Rachel: Okay honey, you can finish this later we’re gonna be late. We gotta go.

Phoebe: Please, don’t play the music. Just uh one more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!

End

The One With Ross and Monica’s Cousin

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on the couch as Joey enters.]

Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your audition?

Joey: I’m sorry, do I know you?

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Joey: Nothing, I’m just practicing blowing you off because I’m gonna be a big movie star!

Phoebe: Oh! You got it?!

Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good.

Monica: What was it for?

Joey: Oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.

Phoebe: The next, next?

Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago who’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy’s right after him. (Joey’s cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!

Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!

Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me!

Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.

Joey: (on phone) Oh my God!

Estelle: There’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?

Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)

Phoebe: What’s the matter?

Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie!

Monica: Wow!

Joey: I know! My grandmother’s gonna see this!

Phoebe: Grandma’s gonna have to get in line.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monica’s now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]

Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?

Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also can’t wait ‘til it’s over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.

Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.

Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?

Phoebe: Sure.

Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days.

Ross: Cassie?

Monica: Uh-hmm.

Ross: Wow, I haven’t seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.

Monica: Ross, she’s 25 years old.

Ross: So what! I still have—No you’re probably right.

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Subtle guys!

Phoebe: What?!

Monica: I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower.

Rachel: (laughs) Well okay—Well don’t ruin it! Just play along at least!

Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is entering.]

Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie?

Joey: I don’t know! It’s not like it’s porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Y’know? And the nudity is really important to the story.

Monica: That’s what you say about porn.

Joey: You’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on the call back.

Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star in a movie? Come on!

Joey: Well that’s true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My character’s catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. It’s really sweet and-and tender.

Monica: Plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing. (Giggles.)

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are trying to plan Monica’s shower.]

Phoebe: Well when can we have this shower?

Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday…

Phoebe: Well that’s only two days away. What is the other option?

Rachel: Yesterday!

Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We’re done!

Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe, this is impossible! We can’t do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There’s just too much to do! It’s impossible! We can’t do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do it!

Phoebe: Rachel, calm down!

Rachel: (calmly) Okay. I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right.

Phoebe: (grabs and shakes Rachel) Just calm down woman!

Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did.

Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it?

Phoebe: Uh, here. What time?

Rachel: 4 o’clock. Food?

Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea.

Rachel: Ooh great! Very Monica.

Phoebe: And chili!

Rachel: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons?

Phoebe: Both!

Rachel: We’re paying for this y’know.

Phoebe: Neither.

Rachel: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the theme?

Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh.

Rachel: (pause) What?

Phoebe: I don’t know. (Timidly) A cowboy theme?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch writing when Chandler enters to make his brief cameo.]

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Y’know I’m-I’m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.

Monica: Oh boy me too!

Chandler: Y’know I was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours…

Monica: Yeah?

Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!

Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature!

Chandler: That’s me! Come on!

Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for there room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we can’t. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, we’re supposed to have lunch.

Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.

Monica: Shrill?! The wedding is back on!

(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who don’t know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.)

Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler.

Chandler: (transfixed) Hi! Nice to meet you!

Cassie: Nice to meet you too.

Monica: So, are you ready to go?

Cassie: Yeah.

(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say can’t help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)

Monica: (catching him) Chandler!

Chandler: I’ll be right with you.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Chandler and Monica enters.]

Monica: (To Ross) Cassie needs to stay at your place.

Ross: What—why?

Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here can’t stop staring at her.

Ross: What?! Chandler she’s our cousin!

Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It’s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monica’s eyes.) Say something.

Monica: You were staring about eight inches south of there.

Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even look like now.

Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.

Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?

Monica: Wafer thin ice!

[Scene: A Casting Director’s Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]

Joey: Hey, I’m back!

The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.

Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again?

The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didn’t need to come down here today.

Joey: Oh great! Y’know I would’ve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Y’know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! (Starts to leave.)

The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didn’t need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.

Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasn’t that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying?

The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks you’re really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.

Joey: Wow! Sure! That’s great!

The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.

Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as it’s handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold.

The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, there’s one more thing. Uhh, uh it’s really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how she’s never seen a naked man who wasn’t Jewish. So… (Laughs.)

Joey: So…What?

The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what I’m saying?

Joey: Yes!

The Casting Director: Okay.

Joey: No. What?

The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be…

Joey: Barmifsaed?

(The casting director shakes her head.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get too.]

Monica: So to get this part you can’t be?

Joey: Nope.

Monica: But you are?

Joey: Yep.

Monica: But you told them you weren’t?

Joey: That’s right.

Monica: Wow! Wow! And it’s definitely all gone? There’s nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?

Joey: I don’t know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell ‘em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.

Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to…grow a turtleneck!

Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.

Monica: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?!

Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I can’t do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)

Monica: Unless!

Joey: Unless what?

Monica: Well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion.

Joey: Like what?

Monica: Well I’m not sure yet, but umm of the top of my head I’m thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering and Rachel is still planning.]

Phoebe: Hey! I’ve got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone’s names in them and inside is everyone’s individual birth stone.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don’t have a guest list.

Phoebe: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we know that’s coming? Me. Are you?

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey! What’s up Mon?

Monica: Well uh, I’m trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge?

Rachel: Have at it.

Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right, turkey. Eh, that won’t work. Cheese? (Picks it up) That won’t work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope that won’t work.

Rachel: Are you makin’ him a sandwich?

Monica: No it’s umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, I’m gonna go guys.

Phoebe and Rachel: Okay.

Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present! (Runs out.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monica’s gone) We have to get her a present?!

Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It’s her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!

Rachel: Oh my God you’re amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?

Phoebe: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party. (Holds up $40.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, there is a knock on the door and Ross opens it to Cassie.]

Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!

Cassie: Hey Ross!

Ross: Hey!

Cassie: (hugs him) It’s been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.

Ross: Oh. Oh, that’s right. So-so you did see me that day because it seemed like you didn’t.

Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that.

Ross: It’s okay. Come, come on in.

Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monica’s place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.

Ross: Oh.

(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)

Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler!

Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah I-I have a knack for impressions.

Cassie: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted uh, you can do me.

Ross: Yeah—No!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what she’s eating.]

Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin’ on that…hot dog.

Cassie: I’m all done.

Ross: (quietly) Thank God.

Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together.

Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you ‘til you cried? (She laughs) We’re probably too old to do that now.

Cassie: I’ll always remember that summer, because it’s when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)

Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and I’ll always remember that summer because that’s when I realized that we are related.

Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh?

Ross: Well I’m, I’m a little slow. (To himself) Just as our children would be.

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, it’s Monica’s bridal shower and Phoebe is passing out some finger food.]

Phoebe: Hi!

Woman: Hi!

Phoebe: How are you? (The woman nods) Good. (She goes over to another couple of women.) Hi, thanks for coming.

Woman: Oh thank you.

(The other woman declines.)

Phoebe: Thank you. (To the other woman) No? (She nods.) All right. (She goes to another pairing.) Oh, it’s so nice to see you.

Woman: No.

The Other Woman: No thanks.

Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over to Rachel.) Hey Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people?

Rachel: Well, I don’t know. I called all the people in Monica’s phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.

Phoebe: Hmm, y’know there’s another word for people like that. Losers!

(A woman approaches.)

Rachel: (to her) Hi! I’m Rachel. This is Phoebe. I’m the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?

Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.

Rachel: Ohhhh!

Woman: I’m very interested to find out who’s been doing her taxes these last four years.

Rachel: That’s great!

Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to get here?

Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I don’t know.

Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You didn’t tell her to come?!

Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!

Rachel: No I wasn’t! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!

Phoebe: Fine, I’ll go call her.

Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Monica enters carrying a tray.]

Monica: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to try on.

Joey: Wow! This looks great!

Monica: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom cap. (Points to it.) Umm, this one is made of bologna. (Points.)

Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?

Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries.

Joey: Thank God!

Monica: (to a whole group) Now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable.

Joey: Ah.

Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know it’s gonna shrink.

Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away. (Picks it up and throws it away.)

Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, that’s really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why don’t you go into your room and try these on and we’ll see—get a better idea of what’s gonna work.

Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird.

(He goes into his room to try them on and closes the door.)

Joey: Ow!

Monica: Toothpick?

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: What are you trying on now?

Joey: The fruit roll up.

Monica: And?

Joey: Delicious.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner!

Monica: What?! Which one?!

Joey: The Silly Putty! It’s not so silly anymore!

(They hug.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie and Ross are watching a movie and Cassie is pouring Ross some more wine as Ross has his hands full with the glass and holding the bowl of popcorn in his lap.]

Ross: (in his head) She’s your cousin. She’s your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head she’d think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Let’s back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logan’s Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. I’m going in.

(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)

Cassie: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! (They sit back up.)

Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesn’t have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh haven’t had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldn’t have said anything.

[Scene: outside Phoebe's apartment, Monica is knocking on the door.]

Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! It’s Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! (She bursts into the apartment to find only Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.) Oh.

Rachel: Oh Monica, we are so sorry.

Monica: For what?

Rachel: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower.

Phoebe: And then for forgetting to invite you to it.

Monica: You al-you already had it?

Phoebe: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave.

Rachel: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don’t have either.

Phoebe: We ruined everything.

Rachel: Ugh…

Monica: Well no wait a minute that’s not true! No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda works out for the best.

Rachel: What do you, what do you mean?

Monica: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents (Motions to the pile in the corner) without having to talk to people I don’t even like!

(Suddenly, everyone stands up and comes out of hiding. All of them are glaring at Monica.)

Rachel: Surprise…

Phoebe: Sur-surprise.

Rachel: …Monica.

[Scene: The casting director’s office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]

Joey: And what’s cool is, the character is from Naples, right?

The Director: Yeah.

Joey: My whole family’s from Naples!

The Director: Oh that’s great! Okay, well I’ve heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie…

The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.

Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to y’know make sure I don’t have any horrible scars or tattoos. Don’t you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, that’s me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joey’s legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, there’s a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is getting out linens for Cassie who is in the bathroom.]

Phoebe: Cassie, are you finding everything okay in there?

Cassie: Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me stay here.

Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I… (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at www.deniserichards.com.)

Cassie: (noticing her) What?

Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! She’s not your cousin!

End

The One With Rachel’s Big Kiss

Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan and Scott Silveri

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is sitting on the chair, and they’re all talking.]

Rachel: Hey! Out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next?

Joey: Probably Monica and Chandler.

(A woman walks up to Gunther in the background.)

Woman: (to Gunther) Hi. Could I have a pack of Newport Lights, please?

Gunther: Oh umm, uh we don’t sell cigarettes, but they have them at the newsstand across the street. (Points.)

Woman: That’d be great, thanks. (Gunther goes and gets them.)

Rachel: (to the gang) Oh my God, Melissa Warburton. I don’t think I have the energy for this.

Melissa: (Gasps when she notices Rachel) Oh my God! Ray-ray Green?! (Screams)

Rachel: (screaming) Melissa!

Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters, what’s up with you?!

Rachel: Wh—(Turns and looks at the gang who’s staring)—Why don’t I tell you over here? (She walks Melissa away from the gang.)

Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get married. (Grabs Rachel’s hand and notices that she doesn’t have a ring on it.) (Sadly) Oh poor Ray-ray.

Rachel: Oh no-no, no! It’s good! It’s all good! I-I actually work at Ralph Lauren!

Melissa: Shut up!

Rachel: I will not! I’m the divisional head of men’s sportswear!

Melissa: Oh shut up more! Now, are you friends with Ralph?

Rachel: Oh please…

Melissa: (excitedly) Are you?!

Rachel: No.

Melissa: Listen, we-we have to have dinner. What-what are you doing tomorrow night?

Rachel: Oh tomorrow, oh I don’t know. Um…

Melissa: You do now. You’re having dinner with me.

Rachel: Shut up.

Melissa: I-I’ve got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! (Gunther returns with her cigarettes.) Oh, there you are. (Takes them from Gunther.) (To Rachel) Umm, so listen, just call me. Here’s my card. (Hands the card over.)

Rachel: Oh, wow thanks! (Reading the card) Oh you’re in real estate!

Melissa: Oh no, that’s-that’s an old card. Umm, I wanted to get out of that and-and do something where I can really help people and-and make a difference.

Rachel: Wow! What do you do now?

Melissa: (quietly) I’m a party planner. I’ll see you tomorrow. (Exits.)

Rachel: Okay! (Joins the rest of the gang.)

Joey: Hey guys! Look who’s back! It’s Ray-ray!

Rachel: Shut up that was my friend Melissa from college.

Ross: She seems really, really fun!

Rachel: She’s actually very sweet and we used to be very close.

Monica: Wait a minute, she isn’t… She’s not the one who you…

Joey: (excitedly) Who you what? Who you what?!

Rachel: (To Monica) Yes.

Monica: Wow!

Joey: (excitedly) Wow? Wow what?! Wow what?! Who you—what?!!

Rachel: It’s not a big deal!

Monica: (To Joey) They were lovers.

Ross: What?!

Joey: What?!

Rachel: No we weren’t! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and y’know, ended up…kissing for a bit.

Ross: So that’s two of my wives.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is working on the seating chart while Chandler looks on and Rachel reads.]

Monica: (telling Chandler the seating arrangement) Okay so this is where the band is. (Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points) And all these pins have people’s names on them. (She has pins to show the seating at each of the tables.) And Rach, here you are. (Points to Rachel’s place.)

Rachel: Oh wow. Why don’t we just take me (Grabs her pin) and put me with a Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender. (Puts her pin at the bar and laughs. Monica just glares at her.) These pins aren’t for playing are they?

Monica: (To Chandler) Okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours.

Chandler: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins.

Monica: Chandler, relax it’s not a contest. (To Rachel) Certainly not a close one.

Joey: (entering) Hello!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey Rach. (Stares at her.)

Rachel: Stop picturing it!!

Monica: Okay, I think that’s it. The seating chart is done. This is our wedding. They all look like they’re having fun don’t they?

Joey: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be?

Monica: Oh! (Gets up) Let’s see, well…if this is the wedding hall then umm (Walks away) you’re parents will be at home in Queens.

Joey: What they’re not invited?! Oh no, that’s terrible! They’re gonna be crushed!

Monica: Why would they think they’re invited?

Joey: (looking around) You got me. I don’t…

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Well, I’m sorry. I thought parents were coming! Y’know? Your parents are comin’! Chandler’s parents are comin’! Ross’s parents are comin’!

Monica: Ross’s parents are my parents!

Joey: Well-well—see? Parents are comin’!

Chandler: Y’know I think we should invite them.

Monica: Oh please, you just want more blue pins.

Chandler: Well this is just sad!

Monica: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging. But uh, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar!

Rachel: That is not a problem.

Joey: (leaning down to her) Maybe you’ll order a little sangria?

Rachel: Oh, get out of here! (Jumps back and walks away.)

[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is showing Chandler the selection of tuxedos.]

Rachel: (motioning to a rack) So now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and if there’s anything that you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all. (Grabs a few) But these are the three that Monica pre-approved.

Chandler: Well, thanks a lot for hookin’ me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest.

Rachel: I’m Monica’s maid of honor. Okay? Don’t try to blue pin me!

Chandler: (sees another rack) Well, what’s the deal with these? These-these look nice.

Rachel: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then when they’re done with them they just send ‘em back.

Chandler: You mean like for award shows?

Rachel: Some of them.

Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, "You are you wearing?! You look fabulous!"

Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E!?

Chandler: Okay, who wore those? (Points to the tuxedos.)

Rachel: Umm, well let’s see uh, this one is Tom Brokaw.

Chandler: Not bad.

Rachel: (reading a tag) This one is uh Paul O’Neil.

Chandler: Who’s that?

Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!

Chandler: Pierce Brosnan?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Chandler: Are you serious?

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: 007?! This is James Bond’s tux?!

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: Oh, I have to get married in James Bond’s tux!

Rachel: It’s a pretty cool tux.

Chandler: Oh, it’s not just that, I would be England’s most powerful weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty’s secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kill. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are moving chess pieces around on the board and hitting the timer at random.]

Joey: We should really learn how to play the real way. (Moves another piece.)

Phoebe: I like our way. Oh! (Grabs a piece and jumps a bunch of Joey’s like in Checkers.) Chess!

Joey: Nice move.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: So Joey I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding, do you need one?

Joey: No, I’m performing the ceremony. I’m not wearing a tux.

Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?

Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat.

Rachel: Huh. Does Monica know about this?

Joey: I don’t think so.

Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her? (Joey nods yes.)

Phoebe: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go to a movie tonight?

Rachel: Oh, y’know what? I can’t. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl.

Joey: (excitedly) Can I come?! I won’t even talk! You’ll just hear the noise from my video camera.

Phoebe: What is this? What’s going on?

Joey: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?!

Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey’s lewd version?

Phoebe: Joey’s!

Joey: Okay…

Rachel: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that one time…she and I y’know…kissed a little bit.

Phoebe: (laughs) Yeah, I’m sure that happened.

Rachel: It-it did!

Phoebe: Sure!

Joey: Hey. (Laughs then seriously) It happened!

Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes!

Phoebe: (To Joey) Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.

Joey: Why are you taking this away from me?

Rachel: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?!

Phoebe: Okay! I just—I didn’t know that you are a lesbian. (Joey smiles and nods lewdly.)

Rachel: I’m not saying that I’m a lesbian! I’m just saying that this happened!

Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and you’re so—y’know so…vanilla.

Rachel: (shocked) Vanilla?!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: I’m not vanilla! I’ve done lots of crazy things! I mean I got-I got drunk and married in Vegas!

Phoebe: To Ross.

Rachel: All right, y’know what? If you don’t want to believe me about this, why don’t you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you.

Phoebe: Okay! All right! Yeah! ‘Cause I just can’t picture it.

Joey: Oh-ho, you should get inside my head.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch reading as Ross enters carrying a garment bag.]

Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding! (Holding up his garment bag.)

Chandler: A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head?

Ross: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But not just any tux, Batman’s tux!

Chandler: What?

Ross: That’s right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film…that Batman film he was in.

Chandler: You can’t wear that! I’m wearing the famous tux! James Bond’s tux!

Ross: So?

Chandler: So—If you wear that you’ll make mine less special.

Ross: Well, you need something to make this day special? Hello! You-you-you have the most special thing of all! You are marrying the woman you love.

(Chandler mimics him.)

Chandler: Please, don’t take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?!

Ross: Pretty please? Not very uh, 007.

Chandler: Look, it’s my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I would never do anything to upset you.

Ross: When I got married you slept with my sister.

Chandler: That was pretty 007.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still working on the seating chart as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey. Oh good-good you’re here! All right, I figured it out. I’m gonna take two tables of eight, I’m gonna add your parents, and I’m gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go!

Joey: Yeah, they’re not coming.

Monica: (looking at him) What?!

Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me. They…feel a little unwanted.

Monica: Oh that’s too bad. It’s true, but too bad.

Joey: Look Mon, if you could just call my mom…

Monica: Oh Joey!

Joey: Come on! Look just-just tell—let her know that you really want them to be there. Let’s not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years.

Monica: No she hasn’t.

Joey: Is it her fault that some of them didn’t make it to you?

Monica: Well, what am I going to say?

Joey: I don’t know. Just uh, just tell ‘em it was a mix-up with the invitations, or—No-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I don’t think you can blame it on them so… (He dials the phone and hands it to Monica.)

Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yeah, hi! Mrs. Tribbiani? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica Geller. (Listens) Yeah I’m just calling to say that Chandler and I uh, really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of invitations that we sent weren’t delivered. Umm, I guess there was some screw up at the damn post office! (Joey nods his approval.) (Listens) T-Tell me about it! (Listens) Yeah, yeah, the US Post Office? No, more like US lost office! (Listens) What are they Irish?! (Joey gives her a thumbs up.)

[Scene: A restaurant, Melissa, Rachel, and Phoebe are talking.]

Melissa: …anyway, his name is Allan and we’ve been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. (Rachel and Phoebe politely laugh) And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.

Rachel: Oh. Oh, that’s great!

Melissa: Hmm Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?

Phoebe: Of course! Yeah, I was uh, umm Thigh Mega Tampon.

Melissa: What one?

Phoebe: Yeah! Y’know, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us down when Regina Philange died of alcohol poisoning.

Melissa: Oh, isn’t a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch? (Phoebe agrees by grunting.)

Rachel: (changing the subject) Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was uh, tellin’ Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where you and I uh, we made out.

Melissa: (shocked) What?

Rachel: Remember?! We—come on both had the sarongs on, and we had the-the coconut bikini tops…

Melissa: Yeah?

Rachel: …we went back the house and we got really silly and we…we made out.

Melissa: Oh wow, Ray-ray I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Phoebe: Really?!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch as Chandler disgustedly enters.]

Chandler: Ross is Batman!

Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.

Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond!

Monica: What are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets!

Chandler: Batman has a utility belt!

Monica: 007 has a fancy car!

Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile!

Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.

Chandler: Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right?

Monica: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and I’ll make you a nice martini.

Chandler: Actually, I don’t like martinis.

Monica: How about a Youhoo with a funny straw?

Chandler: Ooh, yum! (Runs into the bedroom.)

Joey: (entering) Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six?

Monica: The show?!

Joey: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I mean, it’s gonna start a little late right? I mean, weddings start late. Right?

Monica: Have you ever been to one of my weddings?

Joey: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is it’s the same day as my niece’s christening and I really want my parents to be there in time to see me. ‘Cause my part’s just in the beginning I’m not even in the rest of the show—Wedding!

Monica: The wedding starts at six.

Joey: Okay. Okay, I totally hear ya. Oo how about this? I vamp a little ‘til they get there?

Monica: You’ll vamp?!

Joey: Yeah! Yeah y’know, like warm up the crowd. Ask ‘em where they’re from. ‘Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. I’m a minis-tainer! (Rapping) There is no one better! There is no one greater!

[Scene: The restaurant, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: How can you not remember us kissing?!

Melissa: I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of things that never happened.

Rachel: Wh… Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We couldn’t stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin’ together?

Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joey’s head is exploding.

Rachel: Yeah—but come on—Listen, I’m sorry I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesn’t believe me.

Melissa: I’m sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it happened I would say it. Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.

Rachel: No!!

Phoebe: Rachel, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this. I believe you. All right? Okay, if-if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.

Rachel: Thank you Phoebe.

Melissa: She didn’t.

Phoebe: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are working on the seating chart as Ross enters carrying his tux around.]

Ross: Hey!

Monica: You just carry that around?

Ross: Yes. I find it to be something of a conversation piece.

Monica: Between you and…

Ross: Gunther. (To Chandler) Hey-hey! Why don’t we put them on? Y’know get a picture of Batman and James Bond together.

Chandler: I would but mine doesn’t fit. The pants are a little tight.

Monica: A little tight? I could see double-oh and seven in those pants.

Ross: Well that stinks. I was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes together.

Chandler: Well, does that mean that you’re not going to wearing yours?

Ross: What are you kidding? It’s Batman’s tux!!

Chandler: (standing up) Let me try it on!

Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin’ in there.

Chandler: (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! (Finds something in the pocket) What’s this?

Ross: What?

Chandler: An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn’t wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!

Ross: Let me see that! (Grabs the invitation and reads it.) Oh man!

Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him the jacket and walks away.)

Joey: (entering) Hey! Uh, Monica? Chandler? Can I talk to you guys for a second?

Monica: All right that’s it, I give up! Whatever you want you can have it! You wanna sing a song? You wanna do a dance? You want your mom stand at the Alter and scream racial slurs? I don’t care!

Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was really sweet. They’re so happy they get to be a part of your special day.

Monica: (defeated) Oh.

Chandler: Well, you’re welcome. And tell them we’re really glad they’re coming.

Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! (Runs to his apartment and returns wearing a rather silly hat.) Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys, and then this (He tilts it to the side of his head) is for party time.

[Scene: Outside the restaurant, Melissa, Phoebe, and Rachel are emerging.]

Rachel: It happened! I am telling you it happened!

Melissa: Okay. (To Phoebe) Well, it was great meeting you. And uh Rachel, I-I don’t think I’ll be calling you (hails a cab) because umm, y’know you’ve gotten weird. (The cab pulls up.) Take care you guys.

(She’s about to get in when…)

Rachel: What?! Wait a minute! No wait a minute! (She does so.) Okay? Look, that night was the one wild thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I’m not gonna let you take that away from me! Okay, so if you don’t remember that, maybe you will remember this! (She grabs Melissa and kisses her on the lips.)

Melissa: My God! You love me!

Rachel: (shocked) What?

Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin’ together I… (Phoebe is shocked.) I just didn’t want to tell you ‘cause I didn’t think that you’d return my love, and now that you have… (Leans in to kiss Rachel.)

Rachel: (moving away) Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Melissa: Aww, look who’s being suddenly shy. You can’t tell me you don’t feel what I feel. Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it. (Goes in again.)

Rachel: (moves away again) I-I-I-I’m just…I’m just a good kisser!

Melissa: (suddenly frightened) Shut up!

Rachel: I’m sorry!

Melissa: (laughs) Oh you don’t have to be (Laughs again) sorry. I’m…I’m obviously kidding. I’m not in love with you. (To Phoebe) I’m not in love with her. I don’t hear coconuts banging together. Yeah, I don’t…picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go. Eh…kiss good-bye? (Rachel stares at her stunned.) No? Okay. (Hurries into the cab and drives off.)

Rachel: Wow! I mean I had no idea that that was gonna…

(Suddenly, Phoebe leans in and kisses her on the lips!)

Rachel: What the hell was that?!

Phoebe: I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Rachel: And?

Phoebe: I’ve had better.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is hooking Chandler up with another tuxedo.]

Chandler: (yelling from the changing room) All right! I found one that fits!

Rachel: Well y’know what they say, the 23rd time’s the charm. (Chandler enters.) Aww, look at you all handsome!

Chandler: Whose is it?

Rachel: Oh does it matter?! All that matters is that you look so handsome.

Chandler: Whose is it?

Rachel: I don’t want to say.

Chandler: Oh, come on! I don’t care! Come on! Whose is it?

Rachel: Diane Keeton.

End

The One With The Vows

Written by: Doty Abrams

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

Episodes Originally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and guineapig.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is at the kitchen table and Chandler is in the living room.]

Monica: Do you realize that four weeks from today we’re getting married? Four weeks baby!! Four weeks!!!

Chandler: Do you realize you get louder each week?

Monica: There’s still so much to do. Have you written your vows yet?

Chandler: I figured I’d buy those. Pat, I’d like to buy a vow. (Laughs)

Monica: Sweetie, you know I have no sense of humor when it comes to the wedding.

Chandler: Right. So uh, have you written yours yet?

Monica: No! But I know exactly what I’m going to say.

Chandler: Do you happen to know what I’m going to say?

Monica: (handing him a pad of paper and a pen) Let’s just do it right now. Okay? It won’t be hard. Just say what’s in your heart. (She goes back, sits down, and starts feverishly writing.)

Chandler: (watching in her) (in his head) Look at her go! She must love me more than I love her! What’s wrong with me? Ooh, don’t open that door.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is getting help writing his vows from Joey and Ross.]

Chandler: (writing) Monica, there are no words… (To Joey and Ross) There are no words! This should not be this hard!

Joey: All right, uh… (To Ross) Oh hey, you’ve done this before Ross, well what did you say when you made up your vows?

Ross: Well with Carol, I promised never to love another woman until the day I die. She made no such promise.

Chandler: I’m so pathetic! Monica knows what she wants to say! You should’ve seen her. Writing, writing, writing!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has hit a writer’s block as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]

Rachel: Monica what?

Phoebe: What?!

Rachel: What is the emergency?!

Monica: You have to help me! I’m supposed to be writing my vows and all I have is this! (Shows them what she’s been working on.)

Rachel: Well, I like the pretty little drawing of you in the wedding dress.

Monica: Thank you.

Phoebe: Yeah, except your breasts look kinda small. (Points.)

Monica: Those are my eyes! Those are my breasts. (Points.)

Phoebe: Oh! Yeah! (Monica glares at her.)

[Cut to the guys.]

Ross: Well, why don’t you just start with something simple. Like umm, Monica from the moment I met you, I knew I loved you.

Chandler: Yeah, I’m not sure I can do that.

[Flashback to when Chandler was introduced to Monica in The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks.]

Ross: ...everyone, this is Chandler!

Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister.

Chandler: (seeing her) Okay.

[Cut to the girls.]

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Umm, maybe you can start with, "Chandler, even though we were friends; there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more."

[Flashback to The One With The Jellyfish, Chandler and Monica are lying on the beach.]

Chandler: All right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?

Monica: Ennnh.

[Cut back to the girls.]

Monica: Ooh, are we allowed to lie in the vows?!

Phoebe: Well maybe you don’t talk about your feelings back then. Maybe you just say something about y’know all the things that he’s taught you. Like… (They all try to think about one example and don’t succeed.) Or all the things you taught him.

[Flashback to The One With Phoebe's Uterus, Monica is teaching Chandler how to turn a woman on. They're in Monica and Rachel's apartment and Monica has just drawn a diagram of a woman.]

Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there’s more than three), five, six, and seven!

Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?! (Points to one) That’s one?

Monica: It’s kind of an important one!

Chandler: Oh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down.

Rachel: Well, y’know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could’ve meant.)

Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7 …7..…7…7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7…(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.)

[Cut to the guys.]

Joey: Oh, I got it! How about saying something like, "Monica…

Chandler: (writing) Monica…

Joey: "…when I look back over our time together…"

Chandler: (writes what Joey said and waits for him to go on) Yeah?

Joey: Well, I can’t do everything! Look back over your time together.

[This starts a series of flashbacks beginning with Monica and Chandler in the waiting room in The One With the Birth.]

Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.

Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?

Chandler: You'll get one.

Monica: Oh yeah? When?

Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler: No, no, no.

Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.

Monica: Well?

Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)

[Cut to Ross leaping into Chandler’s Hotel room in London in The One With Ross’s Wedding.]

Ross: (Screaming) I’m getting married today!! Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.)

Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)

[Cut to Chandler opening the door to his and Joey’s apartment to reveal Monica standing there with a turkey on her head in The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks.]

Chandler: Nice try.

Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)

Chandler: Look, Monica…

Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)

Chandler: This is not going to work.

Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)

Chandler: You are so great! I love you!

(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!

Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!

Chandler: No I didn't!

Monica: Yes, you did!

Chandler: No I didn't!

Monica: You love me!

Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)

[Cut to Chandler trying to hint to Monica that he wanted to move in with her in The One After Vegas.]

Chandler:  Y’know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?

Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.

Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?

Monica: Then you’d be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn’t make any sense.

Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I’m saying?

[Cut to Chandler entering his and Monica’s apartment alight with a thousand candles in The One With The Proposal.]

(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.

(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)

Chandler: Oh my God.

(Monica gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!

Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! I'll do it!  Oh God, I thought… (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?

Monica: Yes.

(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)

Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here!

Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We’re engaged!!!

(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch as Joey and Ross enter.]

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, what have you guys been up to?

Ross: Oh, we were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out because Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions.

Joey: How is "Monica, I love your sweet ass," inappropriate?

Ross: How’s Monica coming along with her vows?

Phoebe: Well let’s just say its she’s lucky she has a sweet ass, ‘cause she’s not so good at the writing.

Ross: I can’t believe in four weeks they’re gonna be married!

Phoebe: Well let’s just hope it works. Y’know nine out of ten marriages end in divorce?

Ross: Phoebe that’s not true.

Phoebe: Yeah, you’re right. How’s the Mrs.?

Rachel: I can’t believe they’ve been together for three years.

Joey: (shocked) Has it been that long?!

Ross: Believe me, it seems like less because they hid it from us for so long.

[Flashback to Joey interrupting a bath Monica and Chandler are sharing in The One With All The Kissing. Monica dives underwater as Joey opens the door.]

(They move into kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.)

Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in!

(Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler's doing.)

Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day.

Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some?

Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.

Joey: Okay.

(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)

Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.

Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken.

Chandler: Hey Joe!

(Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.)

Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke—(Yelps in pain as Monica grabs him underwater)—Diet Coke.

(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.)

[Cut back to Central Perk.]

Rachel: I don’t know why they didn’t just tell us.

Joey: I know! I mean it’s not like we weren’t cool about it.

[This starts a series of flashbacks starting with Monica and Chandler forcing Joey to keep his new found knowledge of their secret relationship in Monica’s bedroom in The One With All the Kips.]

Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!

Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!

Joey: How?! When?!

Chandler: It happened in London.

Joey: IN LONDON!!!

Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!

(They both grab him and stop him.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!

Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell.

(Joey thinks it over.)

Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable!

[Cut to Rachel listening to a phone conversation between Chandler and Monica in The One With All the Resolutions.]

Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you!  I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.

Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)

Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big…

Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.)

[Cut to Phoebe in Ross’s new apartment looking at Monica and Chandler and what they’re about to do in The One Where Everybody Finds Out.]

Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!

Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!

Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!

Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!

Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!

Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!

Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!

Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!

Ross: (entering) What's going on?

Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!

Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!

Ross: What?! What?!

Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment!

Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)

Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)

(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)

[Cut to later in that episode in Central Perk, a meeting with Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey where they discuss Chandler and Monica.]

Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?

Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!

Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own

[Cut to later in that episode. Rachel and Phoebe are going to a movie from Monica and Chandler’s, and as Phoebe walks by Chandler she pinches him on the butt and exits.]

Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.

Monica: Bye!

All: Bye!

Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.)

Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!

Monica: Actually, I did!

Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?

Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!

[Cut to later in that episode. Monica and Chandler are confronting Joey in his apartment about Phoebe’s knowledge.]

Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!

Joey: Well I didn't tell them!

Monica: Them?! Who's them?

Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!

Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So…

Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!

[Cut to later in that episode. Phoebe is telling Rachel in Monica and Chandler’s that Chandler wants to make a date with Phoebe.]

Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!

Rachel: Are you kidding?!

Phoebe: No!

Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?

Joey: No.

Rachel: Joey!

Joey: They know you know.

Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!

Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything!

Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too.

[Cut to later in that episode. Chandler is in his bathroom with Monica, and he’s panicking on how far Phoebe is pushing him.]

Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!

Monica: She's bluffing!

Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)

[Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.]

Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.

Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?!

Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.

Joey: Ooh!

Rachel: Okay!

Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)

Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons.

Joey: It's not my first time.

[Cut to the bathroom.]

Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!

Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?

Monica: Of course.

[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.]

Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going?

Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.

Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very happy were gonna have all the sex.

Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now.

Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.

(They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)

Phoebe: Ooh.

Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.

Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.

(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!

Phoebe: And why not?!

Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!!

Phoebe: You're-you're what?!

(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)

Chandler: Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.

Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)

Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!

Joey:  So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!

Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't.

Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.

[Cut to later in that episode. Ross is showing his boss his new place and notices something in the window.]

Ross: (He notices something through the window.) No! No! Wh… What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Joey and Ross are talking.]

Phoebe: Y’know, you’re friend’s getting married, it’s gotta change things.

Rachel: You really think it would be that different?

Phoebe: How could it not be? I mean pretty soon they’re gonna be having kids, and then they’re just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. And then maybe they’re gonna have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership.

Rachel: Well, things change.

Joey: I don’t want them to move to a Volvo dealership!

Ross: It’ll be okay Joe.

Joey: I’m sorry, I just…I like things the way they are.

[Flashback to the gang in Central Perk in The One Where Nana Dies Twice, they’re all going through an old photo album.]

Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy?

Ross: That little naked guy would be me.

Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.

Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?

Chandler: Who are those people?

Ross: Got me.

Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.

Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?

Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?

Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)

Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!

Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again.

[Cut back to Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are entering.]

Monica: Hey, you guys!

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: What’s going on?

Rachel: Well, we were just talkin’ about you guys gettin’ married and how great it is.

Joey: Yeah, you can get a Volvo. If that’s what you really want.

Monica: Oh that’s so sweet.

Chandler: So we both finished our vows.

Phoebe: Oh!

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Oh, can we read them?

Monica: Yeah, I don’t hear Chandler’s and he doesn’t hear mine.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(They spilt into their sexes and the girls read Monica’s and the guys read Chandler’s. The girls gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically.

Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh, that’s beautiful.

Joey: (To Chandler) (laughing) Funny one! That’s good!

Rachel: (To Monica) Monica, will-will you marry me?

(Ross laughs.)

Joey: What? I don’t get it.

(Ross points to the explanation and he gets it.)

Ross: (To Chandler) Oh man, this is hilarious.

Monica: Chandler!!

Chandler: Don’t worry honey, we’ll make yours funnier.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Joey are reading Chandler’s new vows.]

Chandler: Okay, what do you guys think?

Ross: (quietly) Dude!

Joey: (starting to cry) I have never known love like this.

Chandler: You really like it?

Ross: Dude! How-how did you write this?

Chandler: I stole Monica’s and changed the name.

Ross: You can’t do that!

Joey: If he goes first he can!

End

The One With Chandler’s Dad

Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Story by: Greg Malins

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the kitchen table as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I’d take that bad boy out for a little spin.

Rachel: Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you’re the only one who’s allowed to drive it.

Monica: Yeah, well he’s my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it.

Ross: It’s a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!

Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you’re done.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin’ good. When do I get to take that baby out again?

Rachel: (shocked) You let Joey drive it?!

Phoebe: I’ve never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time.

Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the y’know, "You can drive it, but don’t tell Rachel" plan!

Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe you lied to me.

Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.)

Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won’t let you drive the Porsche is because you’re a terrible driver. There! That wasn’t about the wedding.

Ross: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I’ll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.

Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with his all his hair sticking straight up.]

Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride!

Rachel: Take the top down did ya?

Ross: Only way to fly.

(Rachel laughs.)

Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she’s talking about! I am an excellent driver!

Ross: You’re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.

Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader.

(A woman walks by and smiles at Ross’s hair.)

Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must’ve seen me cruising in the bad boy.

Rachel: I think she’s checking out your beehive Ross.

Ross: What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush.

Rachel: Gimme the keys!

Ross: No way!

Rachel: Well no brush!

Ross: Fine! Y’know what? It doesn’t matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.

(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)

Rachel: (to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.]

Monica: Chandler, we still haven’t gotten an RSVP from your dad.

Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that’s because I didn’t send him an invitation.

Monica: Chandler! He’s your father; he should be at the wedding.

Chandler: I don’t even know the man. Okay? We’re not the close. I haven’t seen him in years.

Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn’t even asked?!

Chandler: Well he doesn’t have to know! It’s not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.

Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.

Chandler: Trust me, you don’t want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.

Monica: So what! As long as he’s not wearing a white dress and a veil I don’t care.

Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)

[Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.]

Rachel: Ahhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice!

(Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto the hood.)

Rachel: My God!

Ross: What do you think you’re doing?!

Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off of the hood.)

Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don’t you just hand over the keys?

Rachel: Oh.

{Transcriber’s Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side of the steering wheel. Does anyone know why that is? It’s a tradition left over from Porsche’s racing history. The world’s greatest endurance race is the 24 Hours of LeMans. Which is in France and runs for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday through the dark of night and finishes at noon on Sunday.  In the 60s LeMans had a unique start where the drivers would actually start the race outside of the car and across the track. At the start of the race, the drivers would run across the track, get in the car, buckle up, start the car, and drive off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time that took. Since all cars to that point had the ignition switches on the right side of the steering wheel, that required the drivers to use their right hand to grab the seat-belts, put the car in gear and start it. The driver’s left hand did nothing. Porsche in order to save a few seconds in a 24-hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left side of the steering wheel so that the driver could start the car with his left hand while grabbing the seat-belts with his right hand. That’s why every Porsche car built since then has the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel.}

Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! (She starts the car.) Okay! Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! (He looks for the twenty Rachel stole and doesn’t find it.)

Rachel: Look Ross, if you’re so freaked out, just get in the car!

Ross: With you?! Yeah right!

Rachel: All right. (She starts off.)

Ross: (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He gets in, but into the back seat.)

Rachel: What are you doing?! Get in the front!

Ross: In the death seat?!!

Rachel: Oh my…

(They drive off.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch as a man enters.]

Man: Hey guys!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey sweetie!

Man: Ready to go?

Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica’s. I’ll be right back. (She goes to get it.)

Man: (stopping her) Wait a minute!

Phoebe: What? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh. (They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh. (Pause) Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.)

Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?

Man: Over a month.

Joey: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.

Man: Sure, I’d like that.

Joey: So uh, what’s your name?

Man: (laughs) Its Jake.

Joey: Joey. (They shake hands.) Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks?

Jake: Yeah, big fan.

Joey: Me too! There’s a game on Tuesday do you wanna go?

Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I’m not doing anything Tuesday. (He bends over to open his bag, when he does so his pants slide down his butt revealing a pink lace secret.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of luggage.]

Monica: Here! (She sets a bag down in front of him.)

Chandler: What’s this?

Monica: It’s your suitcase. We’re going to Las Vegas.

Chandler: Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers—Think of the money we’ll save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We’re not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?

Monica: We’re going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It’s time you two talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law.

Chandler: Y’know we already went over this and I won!

Monica: No you didn’t. Oh and honey just so you know, now that you’re marrying me, you don’t get to win anymore.

Chandler: Look forget it okay? I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see him. I don’t wanna.

Monica: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know…

Chandler: No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you’d have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. Y’know it’s hard enough to be fourteen. You’re skinny. You’re wearing speedoes—That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there’s your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. We was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!

Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at everyone of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Okay? That’s a, that’s a pretty great dad.

Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Girabaldi!

Monica: Who’s Mr. Girabaldi?

Chandler: Does it matter?!

Monica: Chandler, you’re not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it’s time that you let that stuff go. If your father’s not at your wedding…you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life.

Chandler: Yeah o-okay, but I’m just doing this for you.

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?

Monica: How much did ever really win before?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey enters.]

Joey: Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when you’re wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw that…he was wearing women’s underwear!

Phoebe: I know. They were mine.

Joey: Oh. (Laughs.) No! No wait, that’s weird!

Phoebe: No, it’s not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on.

Joey: That’s weird!

Phoebe: I’m wearing his briefs right now.

Joey: That’s…kinda hot.

Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.

Joey: Yeah, I wouldn’t know about that.

Phoebe: And! Y’know what Jake says? That women’s underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.

Joey: Yeah well next thing you know, he’ll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture!

Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I’m thinking even more than you.

Joey: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink laceys.

Phoebe: I’m just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women’s underwear! I don’t think you could ever do that.

Joey: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity.

Phoebe: Okay whatever.

Joey: You’ve seen my huge stack of porn right? (Phoebe nods.)

[Scene: The Porsche, Rachel is driving along a highway and Ross has finally moved to the death seat and is terrified.]

Rachel: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed.

Ross: (shocked) You don’t have a valid driver’s license—Okay that is it! Pull over right now!

Rachel: Oh Ross you’re so tense! You just gotta relax okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax… (She takes her hands off of the wheel.)

Ross: (grabbing the wheel) What-what are you doing?! Are you—Okay that’s not funny! Just stop horsing around!

Rachel: I am not horsing around okay? I am Porsching around.

(Suddenly a siren goes off behind them.)

Rachel: Uh-oh. (She starts to pull over.)

Ross: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that much trouble.

Rachel: Really? You think so?

Ross: I was talking to myself! You’re going down!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a pile of Rachel’s laundry, which just happens to include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesn’t like his selection and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along the way to prove his masculinity.]

[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start.

A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?

Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To Chandler) She? (To the waiter) I’m-I’m sorry I’m new. I don’t…

Waiter in Drag: (To Chandler) Hm-mmm?

Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.)

Waiter in Drag: You’re straight. I get it. (Walks away.)

Monica: I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better seats.

Chandler: No! No! I don’t want him to know we’re yet! I’m not sure I’m ready for that. And besides he’s not gonna be too happy to see me either.

Monica: Why not?!

Chandler: I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but he’s kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years

Monica: What?!

Chandler: Yeah, he’s made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y’know it’s all very Cats in the Cradle—I don’t want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!

(There’s applause as Helena turns around and it’s Kathleen Turner.)

Helena: Hello darlings.

Chandler: And there’s daddy!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Porsche, they have pulled over and are awaiting the cop to come talk to them.]

Rachel: Okay. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I’ll go under, you go over!

Ross: Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under his leg.)

Ross: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I’m sure we won’t get arrested for this.

(She sits back up as the policeman approaches. She undoes her top button.)

Rachel: (sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little too fast?

Ross: Oh my God.

Policeman: Can I see your license please?

Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Y’know, it’s weird uh, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh…well I probably shouldn’t tell you the rest.

Policeman: Your license?

Rachel: (handing it to him) Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome.

Policeman: That’s Hanson.

Rachel: Oops sorry, my mistake.

Ross: Dear Lord!!

Policeman: Wow!

Ross: Here it comes.

Policeman: This is a great picture.

Rachel: Really?! You think so? Y’know, I had just rolled out of bed.

Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal.

Ross: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago!

Rachel: Y’know you’re-you’re probably wondering about the old date on there.

Policeman: Yes I am.

Rachel: Yeah.

Policeman: You’re an Aquarius, huh?

Rachel: I bet you’re a Gemini.

Policeman: Nope.

Rachel: Taurus?

Policeman: Nope.

Rachel: Virgo?

Policeman: Nope.

Rachel: Sagittarius?

Policeman: Yep.

Rachel: I knew it! I knew it, ahh….

Policeman: Well I tell you what…

Rachel: Yeah?

Policeman: You’re not gonna speed anymore right?

Rachel: I won’t speed.

Policeman: And you promise you’ll get this taken care of right away?

Rachel: I promise.

Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?

Rachel: Yeah!

Policeman: Can he handle the stick?

Rachel: Oh well…

Ross: I can handle the stick!!

[Scene: 4 Queens Club, Helena Handbasket is singing.]

Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and…(She holds the mike out to the audience.)

All: Gay!

Monica: That can’t be your father.

Chandler: Believe me, I’ve been saying that for years. Oh my God!

Monica: What?

Chandler: That’s Mr. Girabaldi playing the piano.

Helena: (singing) For I’m loved by a pretty wonderful boy! (Applause.) Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience. And a couple of irregulars. (He starts going into the audience.)

Chandler: He’s coming into the audience. He’s coming into the audience.

Monica: Relax! You’ll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh much better. You’re invisible now.

Helena: (standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) Where are you from?

Guy: Bakersfield.

Helena: I’m sorry? (Holds out the mike.)

Guy: Bakersfield!

Helena: No-no I heard! I’m just sorry.

Chandler: It can’t happen like this. Okay? I’ll meet you back at the hotel.

(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)

Helena: (to Chandler’s back) Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early in the show. Oh turn around honey; let me see your pretty face. (He slowly turns around. Helena recognizes him.)

Monica: Can we have our drinks please?! Waiter—Uh, tress!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he’s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!

Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.

Joey: Y’know, I’m beginning to see what Jake was talking about.

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Joey: The silk? Feels really good!

Phoebe: Huh.

Joey: Yeah! And-and things aren’t as…smashed down as I thought they were gonna be.

Phoebe: That’s great Joe!

Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with men’s underwear!

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You’ve got cotton, silk, lace! And y’know what I’ve always wondered about?

Phoebe: Hmm?

Joey: Pantyhose! Y’know? They way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here… (He mimed that and stops when he realized he went to far.) I should go take these off shouldn’t I?

Phoebe: I think it’s important that you do.

(Joey agrees and heads to take them off.)

[Scene: 4 Queens Club, scene continued from earlier.]

Helena: So what’s your name?

Chandler: (resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)

Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You must’ve had terribly fascinating parents.

Chandler: Oh, they’re a hoot.

Helena: (To Monica) And who is your friend?

Monica: I’m-I’m Monica.

Helena: Monica! Where are you from?

Monica: New York.

Helena: I’m not very fond of New York. Queens I like. (Noticing Monica’s ring.) Ooh, what is this sparkle something! (Shows the audience who woos.) Honey! Huh?

Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged.

Helena: Really?! Congratulations. When’s the big day?

Monica: (looks at Chandler) In…in two weeks.

Helena: (disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. (To a bald guy.) So you’re bald?

Chandler: Wait! Wait! We’d really love it if you could be there.

Helena: We? (Looks at Monica who nods.)

Chandler: I know it would make me happy, ma’am.

Helena: Well I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Oh! I’m getting all misty here! You’d think I was having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back on stage.)

Monica: (To Chandler) You okay?

Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.

Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life… (Four guys wearing rubber boots, shorts, hats, and nothing else carrying umbrellas run onto the stage.) (Singing) It’s raining men!

The Chorus Line: Hallelujah!

Helena: It’s raining men!

The Chorus Line: Amen!

Chandler: (To Monica) When I was growing up I…played the one on the far left.

[Scene: The Porsche, cars are whizzing by and honking their horns on both sides very quickly as Ross creeps along.]

Rachel: Remind me to introduce you to someone!

Ross: Who?

Rachel: Fourth gear!!

(Suddenly a siren goes off.)

Ross: What?! What does he want?! I wasn’t doing anything!

Rachel: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o’clock position.

Ross: Maybe it’s uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more! (They pull over.)

Rachel: It’s a different guy!

(The policeman walks up.)

Ross: Good evening officer.

Policeman: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?

Ross: Ah no. I don’t, but it could not have been more than sixty.

Policeman: You’re right. It was 37. (Rachel laughs.)

Ross: I mean you’re not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are ya?

Policeman: That’s right.

(There’s a pause as Ross gets suddenly flirtatious.)

Ross: Y’know of-officer I uh…I had the weirdest dream last night…

Rachel: Oh my God!

Policeman: Your license please.

Ross: (laughs) You don’t-you don’t want to hear about my dream Officer…Pretty?

Policeman: It’s Petty. (He grabs Ross’s license.) I’ll be right back with your ticket. (Walks back to his car.)

Rachel: (pause) You have a son!

Ross: I know. I know.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is returning from having removed Rachel’s panties.]

Phoebe: Feel better?

Joey: Yeah! Much! Listen uh, not that I’m y’know insecure about my manhood or anything y’know, but I think I need to hook up with a woman like right now.

Phoebe: Yeah, I understand.

Joey: Yeah! Okay! (He notices a beautiful woman sitting behind the couch and goes to talk to her.) Hey! Hi!

Woman: Hi!

Joey: Y’know, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

Woman: I don’t think so.

Joey: Oh! Maybe it’s because I’m on television. I’m an actor on Days of Our Lives.

Woman: Wow!

Joey: Yeah.

Woman: Really?!

Joey: Hm-mmm.

Waitress: (to the woman) $4.50 please.

Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.

End

The One With Chandler and Monica’s Wedding

Part I Written by: Greg Malins

Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman

Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we’ll all be here in the coffee house as six single people?

Phoebe: Why?! What’s happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)

Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.

Monica: Old?

Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.

Monica: That’s much better.

Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)

Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?

Monica: We’re gonna pick up the wedding dress then we’re gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)

Ross: Ah. Joey you’re-you’re having lunch with my mom?

Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)

Ross: (To Chandler) Y’know what? Actually I’m kinda glad they’re leaving ‘cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.

Chandler: What’s up?

Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.

Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.

Ross: No, its…Its not that. Umm, now what I’m going to say to you, I’m not saying as your friend. Okay? I’m-I’m saying as it as Monica’s older brother.

Chandler: But you’re still my friend?

Ross: Not for the next few minutes.

Chandler: During this time…are you, are you still my best man?

Ross: Nope.

Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?

Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica’s older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? I’m-I’m-I’m serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) Come—Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I’m-I’m not kidding here!

Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.

Ross: No problem.

Chandler: So are we…friends again?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are having breakfast.]

Rachel: What ‘cha doing Mon?

Monica: I’m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.

Phoebe: What are they?

Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bride’s maids dresses won’t get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don’t have my something blue.

Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things I’m responsible for!

Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.

Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn’t get the part?

Rachel: The commercial?

Joey: No!

Phoebe: That play?

Joey: No!

Monica: That other play?

Joey: Nooo!

Phoebe: The movie?

Joey: Yes!!

Phoebe: Ohh!

Joey: Yes that’s the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then y’know, we called the Great War. It really was!

Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!

Phoebe: Congratulations!

Rachel: Oh that’s great!

Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t start today! Today’s the rehearsal dinner!

Joey: Oh no, I’ll be done by then.

Monica: Oh. Well then way to go you big movie star!

Joey: I know! All right, I’ll see you guys over there! I’m off to fight the Nazis.

Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.

Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)

Phoebe: Go ahead.

Rachel: You’re gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)

Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?

Rachel: Mexico?

Phoebe: Yes! Very good.

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.]

The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! We’re ready.

Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)

The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? We’re ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby he’s playing Vincent.

Joey: I’m doing my scenes with you?

Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.

Joey: Wow! I can’t believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!

Richard: No I didn’t.

Joey: I think you did.

Richard: I think I lost. Three times.

Joey: Uh…Cookie?

The Director: (approaching) Okay! We’re about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don’t mind, can we run it a couple of times?

Richard: Yeah, sure.

The Director: Okay, all right. Let’s do it. (He walks off.) And…Action!

Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!

Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)

Joey: (wiping his face) What?!

Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!

Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!

Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!

(Joey wipes his eye.)

The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?

Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh…I th—I thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Y’know? He’s uh, he’s a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)

The Director: I don’t think so. Let’s take it back to Richard’s last line. (Walks off.) Action!

Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]

Monica: Honey, we gotta go!

Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here’s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.

Monica: (laughs) I don’t have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.

Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.

Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we’ll be getting married?

Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.

Monica: I just, I can’t believe that we made it!

Chandler: Well you don’t have to sound so surprised.

Monica: I’m sorry but…nothing.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Well…honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to, to flip you out.

Chandler: Honestly? Me too.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah. Y’know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I’ll go all…Chandler. But nothing has.

Monica: Ohh, I’m so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it’s really, it’s made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse!

Chandler: Okay. I’ll be right there.

(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)

Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If you’re calling before Saturday, you’ve reached Monica and Chandler. But if you’re calling after Saturday, you’ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!

(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)

[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]

Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.

Chandler: We’re the Bings.

(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)

Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!

Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)

Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.

Monica: What is that?

Ross: Well I…I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)

Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)

(Chandler’s Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)

Chandler: Hi.

Mrs. Bing: Chandler!

Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She’s wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)

Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there’ll be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)

(Monica and her parents walk up.)

Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.

Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) It’s lovely to meet you.

Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?

Mrs. Geller: Jack!

Mr. Geller: What?! I’ve never seen one before!

Monica: Dad! There’s Ross (points), why don’t you go talk to him?

(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)

Mr. Geller: I didn’t even have a chance to act as though I’m okay with it!

Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!

Chandler: Hi…dad.

Monica: Hi Mr.…Bing.

Mr. Bing: Nora!

Mrs. Bing: Charles.

Monica: It-it’s so great to see you both here.

Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren’t you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?

Mrs. Bing: Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?

Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]

Mr. Geller: …of course you can kick his ass son.

Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyone’s ass you want too.

Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)

[Cut to Monica.]

Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandler’s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler’s mom?

Rachel: Yeah! But I don’t know what he looks like!

Monica: He is the man in the black dress.

Rachel: Man in the black dress… (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! I’m Rachel! I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler’s!

Woman: I’m Amanda.

Rachel: Oh I get it! A…man…duh!

Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyone’s attention please? I’m uh; I’m Ross Geller.

Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.

Ross: Dad…dad, please! As I was saying umm, I’m Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I’m the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she’s the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you’d all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we’re here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.

All: To the Bings!

(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]

Monica: All right, I’m gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?

Rachel: I’ll do it.

Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?

Rachel: I said I’ll do it!

Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I’ll do it myself.

Rachel: Monica! I’m not gonna screw it up!

Monica: Y’know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.

Rachel: Well of course that is what I’m here for!

Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)

Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]

Joey: Hey! Where have you been?

Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.

Joey: Oh.

Ross: What? Are you going back to work?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Nice shades.

Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won’t get spit in the eyes, y’know?

Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!

Joey: Great! All right. I’ll see you later. (He starts to leave.)

Ross: Hey, where’s Chandler?

Joey: Uh, I think he’s in Rachel’s room. See ya. (Exits.)

Ross: (going up to Rachel’s closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesn’t see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesn’t find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?

Rachel: She’s steaming her dress, why? What’s up?

Ross: I think Chandler’s gone. (He hands her the note.)

Rachel: What?!

Ross: He left that.

Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica I’m sorry.

Phoebe: (walking up) What’s up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica I’m sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!

Rachel: Yeah but, maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s tell Monica I’m sorry I…drank the last of the milk.

Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he’s changed his name, y’know? Tell Monica I’m sorry.

Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!

Phoebe: Don’t be so negative! Good God! Isn’t it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachel’s apartment) right now?!

Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?

Ross: Look—Okay, I’m just gonna—I’m gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you don’t find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!

(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)

Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]

Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (He’s holding a script.)

Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!

Richard: Just the last two pages.

Joey: All right.

(They go onto the set.)

Richard: I found the picture!

(He’s still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)

Joey: Picture? What picture?

Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.

Joey: Okay uh, look I know you’re a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff…

Richard: Oh, thanks.

Joey: But you’re spittin’ all over me man!

Richard: Well of course I am!

Joey: You know you’ve been spitting on me?!

Richard: That’s what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)

Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didn’t know that.

Richard: Great!

Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]

Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?

Gunther: No. No, I haven’t seen him.

Ross: Oh damn!

Gunther: He’s getting married tomorrow right?

Ross: Yes. Yes. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine. We’ll uh, we’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding.

Gunther: I wasn’t invited.

Ross: Well then we’ll-we’ll see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (They’re sitting by the window.) What-what…what you guys doing here?!

Mr. Geller: Well you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we’d see what all the fuss is about.

Mrs. Geller: I certainly see what the girls like coming here.

Ross: Why?!

Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)

Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!

Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.

Ross: What? Your-your list?

Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list that—of people we’re allowed to sleep…

Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I’m looking for him?

Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I’m looking for her.

(Ross points at him and exits.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]

The Director: Action!

Richard: I found the picture!

Joey: What picture?!

Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!

Joey: You went through my personal property?

Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!

Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!

The Director: Cut! Wonderful!

(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)

Joey: Great scene yeah?

Richard: Oh you’re awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.

Joey: Thanks a lot.

The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Here’s your call sheet for tomorrow.

Joey: Oh, I’m-I’m not working tomorrow.

The Assistant Director: You are now.

Joey: No! No! I can’t! You gotta get me out of it! I’ve got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)

(The AD walks away wiping his face.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said there’s still no word from Chandler.

Phoebe: Oh man.

Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.

Phoebe: Okay. Well there’s one down.

Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) I’m getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I don’t care because today’s my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)

Phoebe: Y’know she might not even notice he’s gone.

Monica: (re-entering) I’m gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.)

Rachel: God! Don’t—We can’t let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she’ll be in the gown and then he won’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown…

Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can’t do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)

Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…It’s just so sad!

Phoebe: Yeah, but you’ve got to pull yourself together! Monica can’t see you like this! Then she’ll know something’s wrong!

Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) There’s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?

Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, that’s gone too. This is Monica’s bathroom right?!

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: No-no! I-I…I found one.

Rachel: Okay.

(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?

Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)

Rachel: Oh God I just can not imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn’t show up!

Phoebe: Oh here’s a whole bunch.

Rachel: Oh, I mean she’s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Y’know? Then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone.

Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it’s positive. Monica’s pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won’t be totally alone.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: I know! Monica’s gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?

Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.

Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I’m still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)

Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we can not tell anyone about this.

Phoebe: Right.

Rachel: Okay?

Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?

Rachel: No. Why?

Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]

Rachel: Anything?

Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn’t heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler’s parents again!

Phoebe: You told them he was missing?

Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I’m interested in them.

Rachel: All right, we’ve got to tell her he’s gone. (Starts to leave.)

Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We can’t!

Rachel: Ross, she’s gonna start getting ready soon!

Ross: Well, can’t you at least stall her a little? I’ll-I’ll go back to some of the places I went last night.

Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need?

Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?

Rachel: One hour.

Ross: Give me two.

Rachel: Then why do you ask?!

(They all go into the hallway.)

Ross: Okay, wish me luck.

Phoebe: Okay. I’m going with you.

Ross: Why?!

Phoebe: Ross, you’re tired. You’ve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.

Rachel: All right, I’ll see you guys later.

Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her?

Rachel: I’ll figure something out.

Phoebe: All right. Good luck.

Rachel: Thanks.

(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandler’s.)

Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought we’d start with my make up and then do my hair.

Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.

Monica: About what?

Rachel: Umm… I’m never gonna getting married!

Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?

Rachel: No Monica! I’m serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.

Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.

Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.

Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]

Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It’s my best friend’s, and I’m officiating so I really can’t work past four.

The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can’t stop filming just for you. It’s not like it’s your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)

Joey: I’m having surgery!

The Director: What?!

Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn’t want you to worry about me. But, I’m having surgery today.

The Director: What kind of surgery?!

Joey: Transplant.

The Director: But you’re supposed to work on Monday.

Joey: Hair transplant.

The Director: But you’re not bald.

Joey: It’s not on my head.

The Director: Look Joey, there’s nothing I can do. Besides, you’re probably gonna be out by four anyway. We’ve just got one short scene. It’s just you and Richard, and God knows he’s a pro. You’ll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.

Joey: Hey! You’re here! Great! Great! Great! Let’s get going buddy, we’ve got a scene to shoot!

Richard: I’m wearing two belts.

Joey: Are you drunk?

Richard: No!

Joey: Yes you are!

Richard: All right.

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]

Ross: We are never gonna find him! He’s one guy in a huge city!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)

Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!

Phoebe: He could be in disguise, y’know.

Ross: Aw, y’know…Y’know, maybe we’re-we’re just approaching this all wrong. If you’re Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you’d go?

[Cut to an office building.]

Ross: So this is your office?

Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should’ve hid at the gym!

Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!

Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I’m related to Monica. How is she?

Ross: She’s fine. She doesn’t know you’re gone. And she doesn’t have to know, okay? Now come on, we’re going home.

Chandler: No! No! No! I can’t do that!

Phoebe: Why not?!

Chandler: Because if I go home, we’re gonna become the Bings! I can’t be the Bings!

Ross: What’s wrong with being the Bings?

Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!

Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?

Chandler: No.

Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!

Chandler: It’s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody’s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I’ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don’t race cars! I don’t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.

Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.

Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but I’m afr…It’s too huge.

Ross: Y’know, okay. You’re right. It is huge. So why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?

Chandler: Well yeah, but then…

Ross: (interrupting him) Yeah—No-but-but-but-but! We’re just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that’s not scary right?

Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]

Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And that’s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again…

Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I’m sorry! I have to start getting ready! I’m getting married today!

Rachel: I know. At dusk. That’s such a hard time for me.

Monica: (getting up) I’m gonna go put my make up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)

Rachel: Okay. But wait!

Monica: What?!

Rachel: Let’s go to lunch.

Monica: I can’t go to lunch!!

Rachel: Right.

(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)

Rachel: Oh good God! I’ve fallen down! (She trips and falls.)

Monica: (entering) What’s going on?

Rachel: Okay. All right. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.

Monica: Okay, you’re-you’re really freaking me out.

Rachel: We can’t find Chandler…(Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)—‘s vest. We can’t find Chandler’s vest.

Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!

Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean we’re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y’know make sure we don’t lose it again…

Rachel: Oh!

Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Don’t scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, "Oh my God! The worst has happened!"

(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]

Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!

Richard: That can be arranged.

(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)

The Director: Let’s reset.

Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!

The Director: Let’s take it from there.

Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? It’s going terribly slowly.

Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I’m the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?

Richard: Of course! I’m-I’m sorry. I-I’d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!

Joey: Thank you. Thank you.

The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!

Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!

Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!

[Scene: The Hotel, Monica’s room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]

Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?

(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)

Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.

(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)

Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!

Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.

Rachel: You look so beautiful.

Monica: (starting to cry) I’m so happy for me.

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello?

Joey: (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up yet?

Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everything’s fine.

Joey: Damnit!

Rachel: What? Why? Where are you?

Joey: I’m still on the set!

Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!

Joey: I know! I’m sorry! The guy’s drunk, they won’t let me go until we get this.

Rachel: Oh my God! I’m gonna have to find another minister.

Joey: No! No, I’m the minister! All right, look-look, put ‘em both on the phone, I’ll marry them right now.

Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go.

Joey: Hey! Don’t you hang up on me! I’ll marry you and me right now! I have the power!

(She hangs up anyway.)

[Scene: Chandler’s Hotel Room, Ross is getting Chandler ready.]

Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn’t so scary, was it?

Chandler: No.

Ross: I’m telling you, just a little bit at a time.

Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, what’s the next little bit?

Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like you’ve done everything else!

Chandler: Yeah. You’re right. Hey I-I can do that.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)

Ross: Wh—Hey—Whoa-whoa, where, where you going?!

Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air.

Ross: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

(Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.)

Chandler: Oh fresh air!

(He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides in the ice machine room.)

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe you’re overreacting! You do that y’know.

Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, y’know. I mean there’s no way Joey’s gonna make it in time. So I’m gonna through the hotel and see if there’s any other weddings going on.

Phoebe: Okay. Oh but don’t tell them Monica’s pregnant because, they frown on that.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and he’s so shocked that his cigarette is hanging from his lip.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]

Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {It’s a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (He’s wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?

The Rabbi: I don’t know. Are they Greek Orthodox?

Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. They’re…they’re-they’re my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus.

[Scene: Monica’s Hotel Room, Chandler and Monica’s parents and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler?

Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you.

Ross: He-he was with me umm, we’re playing a little game, y’know? Hide and seek.

Mr. Geller: You can’t ask us son, that’s cheating.

Ross: (pause) You’re right, thanks for keeping me honest dad.

Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can’t see the bride in the wedding dress.

Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.

Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, it’s not bad luck then.

Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isn’t good luck.

(Monica enters.)

Ross: Oh my God! Monica!

Monica: I know! Hey, how’s Chandler doin’?

Ross: Great. He’s doing great. Don’t you worry about Chandler.

Monica: Are you okay?

Ross: Uh-huh.

Monica: Well, you’re-you’re sweating.

Ross: These-these are beads of joy.

Monica: Oh that’s sweet. Don’t touch me.

Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

(They both go out into the hall.)

Phoebe: What’s going on?

Ross: Chandler’s gone again!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!

(Ross just glares at her.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him go.]

Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guy’s hammered!

The Director: I’m sorry Joey, as long as he’s here and he’s conscious we’re still shooting.

(He walks away and Joey does Ross’s fist thing. He then enters Richard’s dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)

Richard: You wouldn’t happen to have a very big fork?

Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. That’s it, we’re done for the day.

Richard: Well have we finished the scene?

Joey: Yeah! You…you were wonderful.

Richard: As were you.

Joey: So I got your car, it’s right outside.

Richard: Why? Are we done for the day?

Joey: That’s what you told me.

Richard: Oh, thank you. You’re welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie down.)

Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a fireman’s carry and carries him out.) Here we go.

Richard: Is that my ass? (He’s looking at Joey’s.)

(And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a bottle of Scotch, just as the door closes and carries it with him.)

[Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.]

Ross: (turning a corner) There he is!!

Chandler: What?

(Ross runs over and tackles him.)

Phoebe: Hey! Oh!

Ross: You’re not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!

Chandler: Ross! (He starts to get up.)

Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) I’m serious! You’re not walking out on my sister!

Chandler: (standing up) That’s right! I’m not!

Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!

Chandler: I know about Monica.

Phoebe: You know?!

Ross: What?

Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.

Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?!

Chandler: You don’t know?

Ross: Know what—If somebody doesn’t tell me what’s going on right now…

Phoebe: What? You’ll hi-ya?

Chandler: Monica’s pregnant.

Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And you’re-you’re…you’re not freaking out?

Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes…

Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!!

Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that’s when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, y’know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can’t be scary.

Phoebe: Well you obviously didn’t see Chucky 3.

Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she’d know I was okay.

Ross: Dude. (Hugs him.)

(Mr. Geller turns the corner.)

Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew you’d find him!

[Scene: The moment we waited for has finally arrived. It’s time for Monica and Chandler’s wedding. We’ve got violins playing Every Breath You Take, we’ve got guests seated, and Chandler starts walking down the aisle with his parents on either arm.]

Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married.

Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome!

Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) I’m so glad you here. (He kisses his mom.)

(He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.)

The Rabbi: Are you Chandler?

Chandler: Are you Joey?

(Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and Rachel on his arms.)

Ross: Huh. This is nice.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: I’ve never walked down the aisle knowing it can’t end in divorce.

(Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.)

Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish you’re grandmother had lived to see this.

Monica: She’s right there.

Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.) Congratulations darling.

Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.)

(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)

Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)

Monica: Not now.

Chandler: Okay.

(They both step up onto the altar and she notices the rabbi.)

Monica: (To Chandler) Who is this?

The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous.

Chandler: (in Monica’s ear) He’s Greek Orthodox.

Rachel: (leaning in) As are you…

The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved…

Joey: (entering) That’s my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, I’m sorry I’m a little late. You may be confused by this now, (He’s still in costume) but you won’t be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let’s get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I’ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I’ve left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows. Monica?

(She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)

Monica: (To Rachel) He took off?

Rachel: Go on! Go on. (She turns back to Chandler.)

Monica: Chandler, for so long I…I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And in stead, I found everything that I’d ever been looking for my whole life. And now…here we are…with our future before us…and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you don’t want to. You go!

Joey: Chandler?

(Ross leans in to give Chandler his vows.)

Chandler: (To Ross) No, that’s okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever gonna had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way it’s okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I’m sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)

Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in my by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?

Chandler: I do.

Monica: I do.

Joey: Yeah you do!

Ross: Rings?

Joey: Aw crap! Okay—uh…uh let’s-let’s do the rings.

(Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place them on each other’s fingers.)

Joey: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. (To Chandler) Now kiss her again.

(They kiss and everyone applauds.)

Chandler: (To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby.

Monica: What baby?

Chandler: Our baby.

Monica: We have a baby?

Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.

Monica: I didn’t take a pregnancy test.

Chandler: Then…who did?

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]

Phoebe: Oh and they’re gonna have a baby.

Rachel: Uh-huh.

(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.)

[Fade to black.]

Ending Credits

{Transcriber’s Note: There was no trailer for this episode. See you in season 8; which will start this fall.}

End

Friends: The Stuff You’ve Never Seen

Hosted by: Conan O’Brien

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

This is a special out takes episode. The cast and Conan are sitting around the set of Central Perk, talking about the stuff we’ve never seen.

Transcriber’s Note: This is stuff we never saw from all of the seasons, so for all of the scene settings I will be using the current arrangements. Even though some of the out takes take place when Chandler was living with Joey and Rachel was living with Monica, when Joey and Chandler were living in Monica and Rachel’s, and the current arrangements.

[Scene: Central Perk, the cast of Friends along with Conan O’Brien are sitting and talking.]

Conan: It’s a tradition here on Friends after every taping for me to hang out with you guys, (They all laugh) talk down the episode umm… The point of this whole thing is what people see in America is: they see Friends, they love the show, it looks like a smooth running machine, but behind the scenes there’s deceit, mistrust, and hate. And I thought, I thought we’d actually take a look at uh, y’know some of these moments where you guys are—there are mistakes. You make mistakes.

Jennifer: Once and a while.

Lisa: From time to time.

Conan: For example, I don’t have to memorize lines. You guys actually have to remember what to say and you probably forget from time to time. Yes?

Matthew: Our energy just comes way up when there’s an audience here and when that happens, something happens between your brain and your mouth sometimes and it just doesn’t, it just doesn’t work.

[Cut to Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there. I think it’s The One With The Joke.]

Ross: Uh, oh-oh, umm no you didn’t. I did.

Chandler: Oh uh-uh, no-no-no-no-uh-uh. (He starts laughing, causing everyone else to laugh.)

[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is talking. It looks like when Rachel and Monica lived in this apartment.]

Phoebe: So, we realize that—Oh no… (She resets herself) I’m telling it! I’m telling it… (She loses it.)

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Joey is talking to Monica and Chandler.]

Joey: Ha-ha. Look—Come on, I don’t know what to do…or say. (He laughs.)

[Reset]

Joey: Ha-ha, very funny. I don’t know what to do! Y’know? Holy crud!

[Reset]

Joey: Ha-ha-ha, very funny. Look, I don’t know what to do! (Long pause, as everyone cracks up.)

Courtney: It is one of those days!

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is speaking Italian to Joey’s grandmother. I’m spelling phonetically.]

Phoebe: ‘Xcusa seniora, voulez-bere quakay—[Beep]—uck it!

Matt: Wow Pheebs, you-you speak gutter?

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: You still get nervous everybody just before a show?

Matthew: Absolutely.

Lisa: Everybody.

Courtney: It’s amazing like all week long we’ve-we’ve been saying the same lines and then the audience is here and we will mess up, and if you mess up once, then you’ll get nervous because you’ll—you know you’ll probably mess up again.

[Cut to Central Perk, first season Monica is talking.]

The Director: Action!

Monica: (holding her hand in front of her face) When you were little you slept through-through the Grand Canyon.

The Director: Watch again that hand.

Courtney: This’ll be five/ten takes.

The Director: Okay.

Courtney: Okay. You know it’s gonna happen.

The Director: Once again, and action!

Monica: (the hand’s still there) When-when you were little you slept through the Grand Canyon. (She actually itches her nose this time.)

Courtney: Oh! Okay! I’m gonna try it without the coffee cup ‘cause I think it’s the left hand that’s messing me up.

[Reset]

Monica: When you were little you slept through the Grand—(Pointing again)—Oh fffff….

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are talking.]

Monica: Sorry, let’s go back! ‘Cause you’ve got more to say.

Lisa: Do I? Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, that’s your fault. I…say.

(They both laugh.)

Lisa: I love you.

Courtney: I love you! (They hug.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: But there must be, there must—are a lot of moments over the years where you’re just trying to do your job, something goes wrong.

[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey is giving Chandler the bracelet from season 2.]

Joey: Hey and, this is a little extra something for y’know, always being there for me.

(Suddenly there’s a noise off stage and the camera on Joey swings around.)

Matthew: Hey Joey! The camera hit our wall!

Matt: What?!

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are living here and Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle when Rachel opens the door causing the door knob to hit his hand.]

David: Ahh! Sh—(Beep)—it that hurt!

Jennifer: Are you okay?

[Reset]

[When he hears Jennifer try to open the door he jumps back, and Jennifer is unable to open the door this time.]

[Cut the hallway, Rachel is exited from Monica’s when the door closes on her skirt.]

Chandler: Hey Rach! (She breaks up and goes back into Monica’s.)

[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, with the giant entertainment center Joey is exiting from his room.]

Joey: Oh yeah? Then how come I keep—(He notices that the marker board they use has been left on the entertainment center and holds up his discovery.)

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, first season, Monica is making a giant sub-sandwich and is talking to Rachel. I think it’s The One With Fake Monica.]

Monica: It was so wild! We told ‘em we were the Gunderson’s in 16…

(Jennifer starts laughing.)

Courtney: (laughing) I spit on her!

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Jennifer: (to Lisa) Operation. You had a fun one.

Lisa: Oh yeah!

Jennifer: With Operation.

Conan: It was a little game. Yeah, with an electric buzzer.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, The One With George Stephanopoulos, Phoebe is showing Monica and Rachel that she brought Operation to their slumber party.]

Phoebe: Oh-ooh, and I brought Operation, but umm I lost the umm… (It starts buzzing) It’s making a noise.

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Lisa: But le Blanc really doesn’t mess up much.

Conan: You don’t verbally mess up, but sometimes physically? You mess up.

Matt: I have had some clumsy moments I guess you can call ‘em.

[Cut to Central Perk, to the theme from The Dick Van Dyke show Joey runs into Central Perk carrying a stack of Soap Opera Digests and falls on the step. He does bounce right back up making it all that much funnier.]

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Lisa: He fell down once! And we re-did it and we went back. And he—(laughs)—he was afraid he was gonna fall down…

Conan: You could actually see him trying not to fall down.

[Cut to Central Perk, same as before Joey is entering.]

Joey: Pheebs! (He looks down as he goes down the step to make sure he didn’t fall again.) Check it out! (He starts laughing when he realized what he did.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Courtney: This particular time when he continued to fall or y’know, try not to fall, I was in the room with Matthew and Matthew was like, "Should I do it?"

[Reset from before, Matt doesn’t fall or look down.]

Joey: Pheebs! Check it out! Check it out! Check it out! Check it out! (Hands her one.)

Phoebe: Ooh, Soap Opera Digest!

(As she’s saying that Joey is to pull out a chair and sit down, only Matthew comes running in from off camera and dives for the same chair.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: Matthew, you have a reputation with the rest of the cast that sometimes you like to, you like to fool around a bit. I mean like if something’s naturally going wrong you like to get in there and juice it a little bit. True or false?

Matthew: I don’t necessarily like to juice things…

Courtney: He said true or false!

[Cut to Monica’s restaurant kitchen, it’s the episode where Joey is working as a waiter at Monica’s restaurant. Joey is patting her breast from when she set it on fire.]

Joey: Oh! Ooh-ooh!

Monica: What are you doing?!

Joey: You’re still a tiny bit on fire there.

Monica: Oh geez! Okay! Thanks!

(Matthew runs in and starts patting the other breast, then walks away. Matt slowly stops patting her breast.)

[Cut to that same kitchen, only this is The One With The Proposal, Richard is telling Monica something.]

Richard: It was great seeing you the other night.

Monica: Well, it was good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that?

Richard: Noo! I came down here to tell you something else. I came here to tell you I still love you.

(Suddenly the door flies open and in walks Chandler!!)

Chandler: What the fu—(beep)—ck are you doing?!

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: Now you guys work with animals a lot. You had to work early on with a monkey…

Jennifer: That damn monkey.

Conan: That damn monkey.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, The One Where The Monkey Gets Away, Rachel is watching a soap opera with Marcel.]

Rachel: Okay. Okay, see now the one with the feather boa? That’s Dr. Francis. She used to be a man. Oh look! There—(Marcel (Katie) jumps away)—Okay. (And runs behind her on the back of the couch for a little while.)

Jennifer: Katie. Geez! See Katie, come here—Katie! (Katie spills some popcorn.) Katie, come here Katie. (She obeys and sits where she’s supposed to.) Very good.

[Reset, they’re about to start the scene when Katie suddenly jumps up startling Jennifer.]

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Jennifer: Lisa’s laugh though…There’s—It’s so infectious. It’s one of those things…just forget about it. Once it starts, it’s all gone.

[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, it’s actually Joey and Rachel’s. Phoebe is trying to convince Rachel to switch with her and live with Monica as Joey looks on.]

Rachel: No y’know, I don’t want to switch! Come on! I can throw wet paper towels here!

Phoebe: Well at Monica’s you can eat—(Suddenly cracks up.)

Lisa: Okay, shh yeah. ‘Cause it’s not silly.

The Director: Here we go.

Jennifer: Okay.

The Director: And…action!

Rachel: No-no Ph-Ph-Ph-Ph… (She starts laughing.)

[Reset]

Jennifer: (to Lisa) Ready?

Lisa: Yeah.

(They all start laughing.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: And then it just builds on itself and there’s no doing the scene after. I mean you probably wait and really get it together and do it.

David: For me, I have a hard time with le Blanc in particular. When-when—I mean when…

Conan: (to Matt) You bastard.

Matt: Yeah, what did I do?

David: …I keep a straight face he-he delivers like this look, a reaction to you, or a certain take, I-I—I mean I find it so funny.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Ross is eating breakfast with Joey and Monica. Joey is walking towards Ross.]

Joey: Mornin’

Ross: Mornin’

(Joey hugs Ross’s neck and has a look of complete contentment on his face which, after a short while, causes David and Matt to start laughing.)

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Monica is throwing a party. Joey is talking to Ross about the bad audition he just had while pouring booze onto a snow cone.]

Joey: I mean what kind of an actor, what kind of an actor can’t even say, "Hmm, noodle soup?"

(David smiles.)

Matt: That’s a good one? (They both laugh.)

David: Now, we should go back and take the other line.

Matt: Okay, I’ll just put a little more booze on there. (Pours some more on.)

Ross: I think, subconsciously…

Joey: (cracking up) Nope, you lost me.

[Reset, Joey is about to pour more booze on.]

David: No! Come on!

[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the bride’s maid test.]

Joey: Okay, the next situation is for Rachel. The wedding is about to start you walk into the back room and you find Monica taking a nap with Ross. (Ross lies on the floor.) I’ll be Monica. Go! (He jumps down and cuddles up with Ross.)

Ross: (jumping up) No! No! No!

(David and Matt just lose it then.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: We’ll be right back with more Friends, less me.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Courtney and Matthew are getting ready to do a scene where Monica’s sick.]

Courtney: I’m doing my brother.

Matthew: That’s…gross.

Commercial Break

[Conan and the cast in Central Perk.]

Conan: You uh, you’ve worked with—They always say a performer should never work with pets or children.

Jennifer: Aww, the kids.

[Cut to Carol and Susan’s apartment, from next week’s episode Rachel is talking to Ben.]

The Director: Action.

Rachel: Okay. Now—What is my first line?

Ben: (prompting her) What did we agree?

Jennifer: Okay…

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

David: The good thing about the young kids though, they’re completely unpredictable. Which is a lot of fun as an actor to respond with. But there was one story…

Jennifer: Oh little Ben.

David: Where the story was that I was anticipating that I would be around to hear my son’s first words spoken. But the scene was about that he wasn’t supposed to be able to speak and, uh for some reason when we started doing the show…

[Cut to Central Perk, Ross is taking Ben to visit Rachel who’s working there.]

Ross: Hi! We’re visiting!

Rachel: Yay!

Ross: It’s Ben and his Da-Da. Da-Da? Can you say Da-Da? Y’know, you might as well say it because I told your…

Ben: Da…Da.

[Reset]

Ross: Can you say Da-Da? See, I’m gonna tell your mommies you said it anyway, so you might as well try…

Ben: Da…Da.

Ross: Huh?

Ben: Da…Da.

David: Yeah, he’s saying Da-Da.

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Matt: And then sometimes during the show y’know but you’re like, the scene’s going one way but you’re just tempted to say something another time. Like, do you remember that one where Monica’s baking cookies in our old apartment?

Jennifer: She’s trying to intrigue us to hang out with her.

Matt: Yeah, she’s trying to waft the smell across the hall to get us to come hang out in her new place, and we’re sitting there eating pizza and I think it was you (Points to Lisa) that said…

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, the scene described above.]

Phoebe: What do I smell?

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Matt: I think I was supposed to say, "I don’t know," and go over and open the door. And I went…

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, same scene.]

Phoebe: What do I smell?

Joey: (Pause) Sorry. (Raises his hand in shame.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Matt: (everyone laughs) And then it was like four takes later before we could get through it with a straight face.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, same scene.]

Phoebe: What do I smell?

(Pause.)

David: Le Blanc.

[Reset]

Phoebe: What do I smell?

Joey: I don’t know, but it smells good. (He gets up and heads for the door only to stop short and start laughing.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: But audiences—You have a live studio audience and they must love that. They must love it when they see you guys playing.

[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Ross is living with Chandler and Joey. Joey and Ross have built a fort out of boxes, Chandler enters and they stand up slowly.]

Chandler: What are you guys doing?

(Ross and Joey both reach down and pull up their pants.)

Ross: Nothing.

Joey: Nothin’.

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: So that you will intentionally do something that—they’ll-they’ll intentionally screw it up?

Courtney: Yeah!

David: Yeah!

[Cut to Monica and Ross leaving Joey and Chandler’s hotel room in London. As they exit Joey and Chandler enter from the bathroom with both of their pants down around their ankles.]

Matt: (noticing the laughter) Why? What’s the matter?

(They both bounce back into the bathroom.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: (to Courtney) You-you’ve worn a fat suit on the show. And, a lot of people love you in the fat suit. Do you like wearing the fat suit? Is it fun?

[Cut to Central Perk, Fat Monica and Rachel are on the couch.]

Courtney: I’m melting!

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Courtney: They made me dance, in the fat suit.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Courtney is dancing in the fat suit and after shaking her groove thing sits down in exhaustion.]

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: I-I heard some of you guys talking about this earlier, but sometimes there’s just a word that someone has to say that you’ll get hung up on. And it’ll just—the way you say the word is funny to everybody else.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, is the one where Rachel screwed up the desert and Ross and Joey are trying to enjoy it.]

Ross: That tastes like feet!

(David puts his napkin up to his mouth and starts laughing at his own line. Matt notices him after a while and starts laughing as well.)

Matt: It tastes like (mimicking him in a high-pitched voice) feet!

David: Okay, we’re good.

The Director: Action!

Ross: That tastes like feet!

(Matt starts laughing.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Matt: Sometimes the dialogue itself is just so funny and you’ll—we’ll be rehearsing during the week and you just—whatever-whatever the joke is; it’s so funny we can’t get through it in rehearsal and just…

Jennifer: You just know.

Matt: You-you mentally make a flag on it and you say, "Okay show night, I’m just—I’ll never be able to get through this."

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Sick Monica is trying to entice Chandler to have sex with her.]

Monica: Are you saying that you don’t want to get with this?

Chandler: You see, I don’t say—(Starts laughing.)

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, it’s the one with the fake chocolate. Monica has baked some cookies and Phoebe is trying them.]

Phoebe: (spitting the cookie out onto a napkin) Oh, sweet Je—(Beep)—sus! Oh! Monica, these are the (laughing) cookies they serve in hell!

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, the gang is watching Joey’s debut on Days.]

Chandler: (noticing the woman on the screen) Whoa! She’s purty!

Joey: Oh yeah, and she’s really nice too! She taught me about y’know, how to work with the cameras and smell-the-fart acting.

Monica: Joey?

Rachel: I’m sorry…

Ross: Excuse me, what?

(Matt turns back and looks and them, but instead of his next line he starts laughing.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: When you have to do physical business for a scene, I mean there must be; there must be a lot of funny moments when you have to physically do a task as part of a scene.

David: Yeah, Rachel, Chandler, and Ross had to try to get a couch up a stair—a very narrow New York stairwell and that was probably…I-I think it was the hardest I’ve-I’ve laughed in my life period.

[Cut to the scene described above.]

Ross: Pivot! (They pivot) Pivot! (They pivot) Okay, pivot! Piv-at! (He starts laughing.)

[Reset]

Ross: Pivot! Piv-at! Piv-at!!

Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!

(David is laughing.)

David: Pivat!! (In a high pitched voice) Pivat!!!

Commercial Break

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: You’ve done over 150 episodes, but your favorite moments that 80 years from now you’ll be thinking about?

Matthew: It is when we’re able to crack each other up.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is cleaning the apartment for Monica and is frustrated with things not lining up.]

Chandler: Monica’s gotta have the phone in the right place and—(Frantic babbling.)

Ross: (To Chandler) All right! All right! All right! (To Joey) We are fixing it.

(Matt starts laughing.)

David: He’s gone. He’s…

(Matt mimics Chandler.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

David: We enjoy watching each other. And I settle for watching each other’s performance, and we like each other.

[Cut to Ross’s second wedding reception, Joey has just told him the band is ready with Rachel looking on.]

Ross: Oh the band’s ready! And well—I-I—we gotta do what the band says, right? I don’t care about the stinkin’ band!!

(Jennifer starts laughing.)

[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]

Conan: Okay Friends gang, thanks for doing it.

David: Well thank you so much.

Jennifer: Thank you Conan!

Matthew: Well thank for coming here, it’s good to see you.

[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe at the mike.]

Phoebe: Thank you my babies. (Waves good-bye.)

Ending Credits

[Cut to Monica’s work kitchen, she’s on fire again and Joey is putting her out.]

Monica: Oh what are doing?!

Joey: You’re still a tiny bit on fire there!

Monica: I think you got it!

Courtney: I’m sorry, I messed up.

Matt: I’ll do it again and again if you want.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, the bad desert Ross is quickly eating the mound on his plate.]

Ross: No-no! I’ll-I’ll… (He takes too much and some falls out of his mouth, which starts him laughing.)

David: That is too much!

(Matt grabs his plate and takes some of what’s on Ross’s plate.)

[We close with a bunch of scenes where they screw up and make weird noises. It finishes with.]

Matthew: Let me start that again.

End

The One After "I Do"

Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Wedding Hall, Monica and Chandler have just said "I do," and the photographer is taking the required pictures. First of Monica, Chandler, Ross and Joey.]

Photographer: Great. (Takes a picture.) Great! Just give me a sec to change film.

Monica: Okay.

Ross: (To Monica) Okay, I know I’m not supposed to know, but I do. And I’m so excited for you!

Joey: What? What’s going on?

Ross: Monica’s pregnant!

Joey: Oh my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?!

Monica: Guys! I’m not pregnant.

Joey: Ah. (To Chandler) Slow swimmers? (Chandler looks at him.)

Ross: What?! What do you mean? You-you-you’re not pregnant?

Monica: You didn’t tell anybody I was did you?!

Ross: No! (Pause) I’ll be right back. (Exits.)

Photographer: Now why don’t we get a shot of just Monica and the bloody soldier.

Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.

Joey: I can’t! I-I don’t have any other clothes here.

Monica: Find some! Please! Anything that doesn’t say I-I died tragically in France. (Joey leaves to find clothes.)

Photographer: Well then why don’t we see the bride and the groom and the bridemaids.

Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe and Rachel join Monica and Chandler on the altar.) Hey Mon, why did you tell the guys you weren’t pregnant?

Monica: Because I’m not.

Phoebe: We found your test in the trash, if you’re not pregnant—(She sees Rachel shaking her head)—It’s because I am.

(Flash, the photographer takes a picture of Monica and Chandler’s stunned faces.)

Chandler: What?! What are you talking about?

Monica: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Yes, I…I am with child. (Flash) And I didn’t want to say anything because it’s your day; I didn’t want to steal your thunder.

Monica: Wait a minute! So you told people I was pregnant?! (Flash) Does this look like a conversation that I want to remember?!

Chandler: Who’s the father?

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: I can’t say.

Monica: Why?!

Chandler: Why not?

Phoebe: I can’t say because he’s famous.

Rachel: Oh my God, who is it?! (Phoebe rolls her eyes.)

Monica: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.

Phoebe: Okay, okay. It’s James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.

Chandler: As in Barbara Streisand’s husband James Brolin?

Phoebe: What?! Well he never said that to me!

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Wedding Hall, continued from earlier.]

Photographer: Why don’t we have Monica step away and we’ll get Chandler and the bridemaids.

Phoebe: How about just the bridemaids?

Chandler: Y’know I am the groom right? I was told it was kinda big deal.

Phoebe: It is.

Rachel: For you. (Chandler leaves.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Rachel: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just can’t deal with this just quite yet.

Phoebe: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant.

Rachel: You said that she was, I just didn’t disagree with you.

Phoebe: Sneaky.

Rachel: Oh yeah.

Photographer: Smile ladies.

Rachel: Oh! (They smile and the picture is taken.) Oh by the way?

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Rachel: James Brolin?

Phoebe: Oh, I know. I could only think of two names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and then I remembered he’s gay.

Rachel: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay.

Phoebe: (intrigued) Really?!

[Scene: The Reception Hall, the party is in full swing.]

Bandleader: Thank you very much! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing!

(They enter.)

Chandler: Before we go out there I’ve got a present for ya.

Monica: Honey, I’m going to put my hand in your pocket!

Chandler: No?

Monica: No.

Chandler: I’ve been taking dancing lessons.

Monica: What?!

Chandler: Yeah, the last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you will never forget.

Monica: Oh that is so sweet!

Chandler: So? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?

Monica: Yes.

(They walk onto the dance floor and Chandler slips and almost falls.)

Monica: What’s the matter?

Chandler: I don’t know, it’s these new shoes, they’re all slippery.

Monica: Well, are you going to be able to do this?

Chandler: Not well.

(They start dancing and Chandler starts slipping around.)

Monica: Well, the good news is, I don’t think anyone’s looking at us.

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel at their table.]

Phoebe: So, are you ready to talk about it?

Rachel: No.

(Pause)

Phoebe: Now?

Rachel: No!

Phoebe: Okay, we’ll talk about something else then.

Rachel: Thank you.

Phoebe: Who’s the father?!

Rachel: Ugh! Look honey y’know what? I haven’t told him yet, so until I do I don’t think I should tell anybody else.

Phoebe: Yeah. That’s fine. That’s fair. Is it Tag?

Rachel: Phoebe!!

Phoebe: Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stop.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Is it Ross? It’s Ross isn’t it—Oh my God, it’s Joey!

Rachel: Honey, stop it! I am not going to tell you until I tell him.

Phoebe: Ah-hah! At least we know it’s a him.

[Cut to Joey entering wearing a preppy tennis outfit.]

Monica: (seeing him) Oh sweet Lord.

Joey: I’m sorry! Okay? I went down to the gift shop and it’s either this or a bathrobe! Look, what’s more important, the way I’m dressed or me being with you on your special day?

Monica: Honey, I’m not even going to pretend I was listening. (Sees someone else.) Hey! Hey! (Goes over to that person.)

[Cut to the hallway outside the room, Ross is going to see which table he’s at and sees a beautiful woman doing the same thing.]

Ross: Hi. I’m uh, I’m Ross. I don’t, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Monica’s older brother.

Woman: Oh hi, I’m, I’m Mona from her restaurant.

Ross: Oh! Hello uh, Mona from her restaurant. (He uses his card to mouth those words.) (Pause) Mona, wow what a, what a beautiful name.

Mona: You think so? I’ve always kinda hated it.

Ross: Aw come on, Mona Lisa?

Mona: Uh-huh.

Ross: Mona umm…Clickclocken. The famous botanist? Huh? Oh no she’s uh—well she’s dead now. No, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world.

Mona: Really?! Well see? I never knew about her.

Ross: Linda Clickclocken. (Pause) So what uh, what-what table are you at? (She shows him.) Oh, uh me too.

Mona: Oh good. Now there’ll be someone there who likes my name.

Ross: (sexily) Yes there will. (Mona leaves and Ross tries to find the same table.) Oh guess what, Molly Gilbert you’ve just been bumped up to table one. And if it’s all right with you I’m gonna take your place at table six—Martin Clickclocken.

[Cut back inside to Joey giving a beautiful woman a tennis lesson by standing behind her.]

Joey: That’s better, now just bend your arms a little more. There you go. Okay, look straight ahead. Now this time I want you to really put your ass into it. (They do a practice swing and she really puts her ass into it.)

[Cut to Chandler sitting down near Joey as his mom walks over. His birth mother, not the mother who recently visited one of those clinics in Sweden.]

Mrs. Bing: Chandler darling! Look, my date has finally arrived. I’d like you to meet Dennis Phillips.

Dennis Phillips: Congratulations.

Chandler: Thank you.

Mrs. Bing: Dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover.

Chandler: Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so.

Dennis Phillips: Oh, I’m so sorry I missed the ceremony, I was stuck at auditions.

Mrs. Bing: Oh yes, Dennis is directing a new Broadway show.

Joey: I don’t believe we’ve met, Joey Tribbiani.

Dennis Phillips: Dennis Phillips

Joey: Wow, I’ve admired your work for years. You-you’ve done some really amazing stuff.

Dennis Phillips: Oh, thank you. Well if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get myself a drink. Be back in a moment. (Walks away.)

Joey: Wow Dennis Phillips! That’s great! How did you guys meet?

Mrs. Bing: Well, it’s a funny story.

Chandler: Funny: ha-ha or funny: (Mimes blowing his brain out.)

[Time lapse. The band is finishing another song.]

Bandleader: Thank you, thank you very much. If everyone will please take your seats, dinner will be served.

(Ross starts looking for table six and finds out that it’s the kid’s table. He sees Mona sitting at another table.)

Ross: Hey! Uh, I thought, I thought you were at table six.

Mona: No, nine. (Shows him the card again.)

Ross: Oh see, before you uh, when you showed it to me you-you held it that way (he turns her hand upside down) which uh, which was misleading. Well I’m… (He goes at sits down at his new table and the kids stare at him.) Hello.

[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is putting tape on the bottom of his shoes.]

Joey: Chandler. Will you see if your mom can give my resume to Dennis Phillips? ‘Cause if I can get in a Broadway show then I would’ve done it all, film, television, and theater. The only think left would be radio, and that’s just for ugly people.

Chandler: What size shoes do you wear?

Joey: Uh, eleven, eleven and a half.

Chandler: Great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can I borrow the boots from your costume?

Joey: Uh, I don’t even really know where I left those. Sorry.

Chandler: (looking at Joey’s feet) Those aren’t eleven and a half.

Joey: Okay fine! I’m a seven! All right, I have surprisingly small feet. But the rest of me is good, I’ll show ya!

[Cut to Monica and Rachel at their table.]

Monica: Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?!

Rachel: Oh y’know what honey? Let’s not talk about that right now?

Monica: This is so huge.

Rachel: Sure, but come on, as big as your wedding?

Monica: Of course not nothing is. Between me and you…

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: …in this day and age how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant?

Rachel: Hey! Y’know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they’re supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through!

Monica: How?

Rachel: I don’t know! Maybe they have tools.

Monica: Well I-I talked to and uh, she’s definitely going to have this baby. Y’know, she said she was gonna raise it on her own.

Rachel: Well, maybe that’s, maybe that’s really brave.

Monica: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how hard it’s gonna be.

Rachel: Maybe she hasn’t really thought it through that well.

Monica: Well, there’s a lot to think about. I mean, how is she, how is she going to handle this financially? How is she going to juggle work? Does she realize she’s not going to have a date again for the next eighteen years?

Rachel: (starting to cry) I don’t know.

Monica: Are you okay?

Rachel: Uh-hmm. I’m just thinking about Phoebe; poor knocked up Phoebe.

Waiter: Champagne?

Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you very much! (She grabs a glass, takes a sip, and realizes what she just did. She then tries to spit the champagne back into the glass without Monica noticing. It doesn’t work.) Oh that’s-that’s actually how the French drink it.

(Monica gasps.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: continued from earlier, only now Phoebe joins them.]

Phoebe: Well, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin…

Monica: Oh really?!

Phoebe: Yes, and apparently he is married to some singer, but he said he would leave her for me. And I said, "James, James Brolin, are you sure?" James Brolin said…

Monica: (interrupting) Rachel’s really the one who’s pregnant.

Phoebe: (shocked) What?! (deadpan) Why bother?

Monica: How do you feel?

Rachel: I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. This is all happening so fast. I have to make all these decisions that I don’t want to make. (Takes another sip of champagne and spits it back out) Somebody just take this away from me!!

Phoebe: Calm down. Maybe you’re not pregnant.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: When I got pregnant with the triplets, I took that test like three times just to make sure.

Monica: Yes! Maybe it’s a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right?

Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?

Phoebe: I’m-I’m just saying, don’t freak out until you’re a hundred percent sure.

Rachel: All right, I’ll-I’ll take it again when I get home.

Monica: You-you gotta take it now. Come on, do it as a present to me.

Rachel: Okay. Thank you.

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: I’ll run out and get you one.

Rachel: Oh, you guys are so great.

Monica: Oh, wait a minute! Who’s is the father?!

Phoebe: Oh no, she won’t tell us.

Monica: Oh, come on it’s my wedding! That can be my present.

Rachel: Wh—Hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick.

Phoebe: See? This is why you register.

[Cut to Ross at the kiddie table. He reaches for something and a fart noise emanates which causes the kids to laugh.]

Ross: It was the chair again! Okay? I’m not doing it! It what—look, I don’t—y’know what—eh-eh… (He walks away and goes over to Mona.) Hi.

Mona: Hi!

Ross: Umm, would you like to dance?

Mona: Sure.

Ross: Yeah?

Mona: Yeah.

Ross: Oh great! (They get up to dance and Ross is interrupted by a little girl.)

Little Girl: Dr. Geller?

Ross: I wasn’t farting! (To Mona) Uh, a little game from our table. (To the little girl) Yes?

Little Girl: Dr. Geller, will you dance with me?

Ross: Oh umm, well uh, maybe-maybe later. Right now, I’m about to dance with this lady.

Little Girl: Okay. (She drops her head in disappointment and walks away.)

Mona: Ohhhh!

Ross: Uh, unless! Unless, uh this lady wouldn’t mind letting you go first.

Mona: I’d be happy to. (To Ross) You are very sweet.

Ross: Yes I-I am. In fact umm hey, why don’t we try it my special way? You can dance on my feet.

Little Girl: Sure!

Ross: Yeah? Hop on. (They start dancing and Mona sits down.) Is the pretty lady looking?

Little Girl: Uh-huh.

Ross: Keep dancing.

[Cut to Chandler in the hallway practicing dancing and is doing it very well.]

Chandler: And the world will never know.

Joey: Hey! Did you talk to Dennis about me yet?

Chandler: Yes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days Of Our Lives.

Joey: No-no! No! No! You don’t tell a Broadway guy that! Now he just thinks I’m a soap actor.

Chandler: But you’re not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.

Joey: Hey!

[Joey walks back inside just as Ross’s dance is finishing.]

Little Girl: Thank you.

Ross: No-no, thank you Miranda.

Little Girl: Melinda!

Ross: All right. (Walks over to Mona.)

Mona: How cute was that?

Ross: Oh-oh, were you, were you watching?

(Another little girl walks over to him.)

Second Girl: Can I go next?

Ross: What? Of course you can! Hop on!

Mona: Okay, but I get to hop on after her. (Ross bites the air in response.)

Ross: I am so gonna score.

Second Girl: What?

Ross: I like your bow.

[Behind them, Joey goes up to the bandleader and interrupts the song.]

Joey: (clinks his glass) I’d like to propose a toast. To Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in the world. And my best friends. Now, my when I first found out they were getting married I was, I was a little angry. I was like, (overly angry) "Why God? Why? How can you take them away from me?!" But then I thought back over all our memories together, some happy memories. (Does a fake laugh.) And-and there was some sad memories. (Starts to break down and cry.) I’m sorry. And-and some scared memories—Whoa! (He jumps back, startled.) Eh? And then, and then I realized I’ll always be their friend, their friend who can speak in many dialects and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. (Starts to walk away, but realizes something.) Oh! To the happy couple!

[Time Lapse, the interrupted song is finishing.]

Bandleader: Thank you.

Ross: (to the second girl) That was very nice Ashley.

Ashley: Can we do it again?

Ross: No-no. (Walks over to Mona again.)

Mona: So, is it my turn now?

(A large little fat girl walks over.)

Fat Girl: I’m next!

Ross: Oh! (Recoils in horror.)

Mona: Uh, that’s okay. You can dance with her first.

Ross: Oh, you-you sure? (She nods yes.) Okay. (To the girl) Okay. So what’s uh, what’s your name.

Fat Girl: Gert!

Ross: That’s, that’s pretty. (They start to dance and Gert tries to step on Ross’s feet, but he pulls them out of harm’s way.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing there Gert?

Gert: Dancing on your feet! Like the other girls did it.

Ross: Okay. (Swallows hard.) Hop on Gert. (She does and Ross winces in pain.)

Gert: Why aren’t you moving your feet?

Ross: I’m trying. (He strains to move his feet.)

Gert: Faster! You’re not going fast enough!

Ross: Maybe I should stand on your feet! (Gert’s shocked and Ross realizes what he said and tries to brush it off.)

[Cut to Joey going over to talk to Dennis Phillips.]

Joey: So did you uh, happen to catch my toast up there?

Dennis Phillips: Oh my God, that was for my benefit?

Joey: Well, I’d like to think there was something for everyone. Look, I know you’re casting for this new show…

Dennis Phillips: Look umm Joey, I-I don’t think you’re quite right for this project.

Joey: Oh, see that’s where you’re wrong. Whatever it is I can do it. And if didn’t see it up there, just-just try me.

Dennis Phillips: It’s an all Chinese cast. Can you be Chinese?

Joey: Well I’m not proud of this, but… (He turns around and starts to mess with his eyelids.)

Dennis Phillips: Oh my God! No-no-no! Please! Please! Don’t-don’t-don’t!

[Cut to Monica walking up to Chandler.]

Monica: Hey, are you ready to get back on the dance floor?

Chandler: Did it turn into sand?

Monica: Ohh come on, I love this song! Come on, you’ll be fine. (She starts to walk towards the floor.)

Chandler: (sliding up behind her) No. No, I won’t. Do you know why I took all those lessons? See, for the first time I didn’t want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.

Monica: Oh sweetie, you can never embarrass me. (Chandler grunts.) Okay, you can easily embarrass me. But come on, it doesn’t matter. All right? I married you! So I want to dance on my wedding night with my husband. Come on. (They go onto the floor.) Just try not to move your feet at all. (Chandler starts to get into the groove and bust a move.) There you go.

(Mr. Geller dances over.)

Mr. Geller: Chandler, I’m gonna have you arrested.

Chandler: Why?

Mr. Geller: You stole my moves. (He starts to dance like Chandler was and Chandler stops.)

[Scene: The Women’s Restroom, Rachel and Phoebe are waiting for the outcome of Rachel’s second test.]

Rachel: How much longer?

Phoebe: 30 seconds.

Rachel: 30 seconds, okay.

Monica: (entering) Did I miss it? (Phoebe nods no.) Rachel, I-I want you to know that, if it’s positive, we’re gonna…

Rachel: Oh I know. I know. (They hug.)

Phoebe: It’s time.

(Another woman starts to enter.)

The Girls: No!! (The woman backs out.)

Monica: Go ahead Rach.

(She goes over to look.)

Rachel: Oh wait! Y’know what? I can’t, I can’t look at it. I can’t. Somebody else tell me, somebody tell me.

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Umm, it’s negative.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: It’s negative.

Rachel: Oh. Oh. Well there you go. Whew! (Pause) That is—that’s great—that is really great-great news. (Pause) Y’know ‘cause the whole not being ready and kinda the financial aspects, all that. Whew. Wow, this is so just the way it was supposed to be. (Starts to cry.) God.

Monica: Well… Well, great.

Phoebe: Here. (Gives Rachel a tissue.)

Rachel: Thanks. (Crying) God this is so stupid! (Pause) How could I be upset over something I never had? It’s negative?

Phoebe: No, it’s positive.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: It’s-it’s not negative, it’s positive.

Rachel: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Well yeah, I lied before.

Rachel: Oh!

Monica: Oh God…

Phoebe: Now you know how you really feel about it.

Rachel: Oh-oh, that’s a risky little game!

Monica: Are you really gonna do this?

Rachel: Yeah. I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby! (They all hug.)

Phoebe: With who?

Rachel: Ah, it’s still not the time.

Dedicated to the People of New York City

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Reception, Joey is helping Ross walk after Gert got through with him and Mona is looking on concerned.]

Ross: I just didn’t see the fast song coming.

Joey: Shh. Shh. Don’t try to talk, we’ll get you up to your room, we’ll soak your feet, you’ll be okay.

Ross: Oh, thank you.

Mona: That is so sweet!

Joey: Yeah.

Mona: No, I mean it. There are so few genuinely nice guys out there.

Joey: Tell me about it, I feel like I’m holding down the fort all by myself.

Mona: It’s Joey right?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Wait a minute! No! I’m the nice one! I’m the one who danced with the kids all night! How…How small are your feet?! (They all look down.)

End

The One With The Red Sweater

Written by: Dana Klein Borkow

Directed by: David Schwimmer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.]

Rachel: Listen y’know what sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night?

Joey: No. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!

(Chandler and Monica enter.)

Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! We’re checking out of the bridal suite.

Monica: (depressed) That’s right. I’m no longer a bride. I’ll never be a bride again. Now, I’m just someone’s wife!

Chandler: And I’m the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on don’t be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!

Monica: Oh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.)

Chandler: We got the honeymoon.

Monica: That’s not ‘til Thursday.

Chandler: The wedding pictures?

Monica: They won’t be ready for weeks.

Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the tables.

Monica: That’s true! (Happily) I knew I married you for a reason!

Chandler: I’ll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home.

Monica: Okay.

(Joey giggles.)

Chandler: What? What did you take a picture of?

Joey: Nothing! It was something.

Chandler: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?

Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not ‘til noon and he has a good (checks her watch) eleven minutes left.

Chandler: Oh.

Monica: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.

Rachel: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y’know, he screamed out Radisson at the end.

Chandler: Okay, well I’m gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You’re 32! (Exits)

Front Desk Clerk: (To Monica) Here’s a copy of your bill.

Monica: Oh thanks. (Reading the bill) Champagne, strawberries…Oh my God! I can’t believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!

Joey: Yeah, that’s sad. Mashuga nut?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross’s Hotel Room, he is letting Chandler in.]

Ross: Hi.

Chandler: Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?

Ross: Why not? It’s built into the price of the room.

Chandler: Yeah but you don’t need—(Picks up something)—What is this?

Ross: Thread!

Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras?

Ross: What disposable cameras?

Chandler: The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them?

Ross: No you didn’t.

Chandler: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said…

Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that.

Chandler: So you don’t have the cameras?!

Ross: No. Sorry man.

Chandler: So? What? What? They’re gone! Monica’s gonna freak!

Ross: Well, I’m sure they’re still somewhere here in the hotel. I’ll-I’ll help you look for them.

Chandler: Great.

Ross: In-in three minutes.

(Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound of wedding gifts.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler?

Monica: No! (Pause) But, they’re callin’ out to me! I mean this little guy (Holds up a small one) even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn’t mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is?

Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman.

(Monica opens it anyways.)

Monica: A tiny salt shaker!!!

Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt!

Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun.

Phoebe: Oh yeah.

Monica: Good. Okay, I’m just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Whew. Although y’know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I mean… I guess y’know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think?

Phoebe: Well I guess it’s okay to open one more if it’s part of a set. Y’know, it’s probably this one. (Grabs another small one.)

Monica: Or this one! (She grabs and starts to open the biggest present.)

Rachel: (entering) Hi.

Monica: Hey, how are you feelin’? Any morning sickness?

Rachel: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don’t know yet do they?

Monica: No! Joey and Ross don’t know anything and Chandler still thinks that Phoebe’s pregnant.

Phoebe: Yeah that’s right Chandler does still think I’m pregnant. He hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course.

Rachel: Don’t worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, ‘cause I’m going to tell the father today.

Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor?

Rachel: Ew! No!

Phoebe: What?! I think he’s cute.

Rachel: Well then you have his baby.

Phoebe: Believe me I’m trying.

Monica: Wow. Y’know it is so weird. I mean, you’re gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what’s gonna happen.

Phoebe: Yeah. You’re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. You’re like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism.

Rachel: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news.

Phoebe: Pretty big? It’s huge! God, this guy doesn’t have a clue! He’s just walking down the street thinking, ‘I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!’ then bam! He’s a father and everything’s different.

Rachel: Well it’s only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I’m not gonna ask him for anything.

Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he’s walking around thinking, ‘Do I want to be a dad?’ and then bam!

Monica: What was that bam?

Phoebe: I don’t. He got…he-he-he-he’s hit by a bus.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?

Joey: (warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!

Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, it’s not you! You didn’t get anybody pregnant!

Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (Pause.) Is somebody pregnant?

Phoebe: Oh yeah. That’s me.

Joey: Oh my God Pheebs! You’re gonna have a baby?

Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I’m gonna have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe hug.)

Joey: Whoa, wait a minute. Who’s the father?

Phoebe: You don’t know him. It’s not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like she’s pregnant.)

Joey: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? ‘Cause I will track him down and kick his ass!

Phoebe: David Lynn.

Joey: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!! (Exits)

Monica: Who’s David Lynn?

Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying.

[Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.]

Ross: Chandler?

Chandler: Hey! Did you find the cameras?

Ross: No. Did you?

Chandler: Yes! And that’s why I’m under the table. Celebrating.

Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-one’s turned them.

Chandler: Well this is great. Y’know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she’s really depressed.

Ross: Now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed?

Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can’t believe I screwed this up!

Ross: I’m sorry man. (Formally dressed people start to enter.) Here’s a thought. This is the same ballroom. There’s a band. There’s gonna be plenty of dressed up people.

Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?

Ross: No-no-no, I’m saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else’s faces.

Chandler: Are you serious?

Ross: I’m just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down?

Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?!

Ross: I’m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren’t these the same flowers?

Chandler: I don’t know, Monica picked out the flowers.

Ross: What about the chairs?

Chandler: She picked those out too.

Ross: How about the place settings?

Chandler: That was her.

Ross: What did you do?

Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?

Ross: Hmm. (They head off to the gift shop.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet?

Rachel: Not yet.

Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it Gunther?

Rachel: No! Phoebe, it’s not Gunther.

Phoebe: Thank God, ‘cause that hair on a baby…

Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven’t told him yet and I don’t think I can tell him at all now!

Phoebe: Why not?

Rachel: I don’t know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, ‘I’m gonna tell the father today’ and then bam!

Phoebe: Bus?

Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is!

Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge.

Rachel: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn’t even go to how huge this was going to be for the father.

Phoebe: You’re thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. It’s like, it’s like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of…See?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has now opened more of the wedding gifts.]

Joey: (entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?

Monica: No! No! I shouldn’t have even opened these! I mean I—Joey I am out of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay?

Joey: Okay.

Monica: Give me one more.

Joey: Okay. (Hands her one.)

Phoebe: (entering) Hey.

Joey: Oh good, uh you’re here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I want to say.

Phoebe: All right. (She sits down like she’s pregnant again.)

Joey: Umm, now uh… It’s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Y’know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so… (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?

Monica: Oh my God! Joey!

Phoebe: Hell yeah! I’ll marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.)

Monica: You can’t marry him!

Phoebe: Hey lady, your day’s over! It’s my turn!

Monica: Phoebe!

Joey: Why?! Why can’t she marry me?!

Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.)

Monica: She’s not pregnant. It’s Rachel. Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant.

Joey: Oh my God.

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn’t have a baby in nine months!

Phoebe: It’s Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths ‘I love you’ to him.)

Joey: (smiles then stops) Now I can’t believe it! What? Rachel’s pregnant? (The girls nod yes.) Who’s the father?

Phoebe: We don’t know.

Joey: Ohh… I wonder if that dude.

Monica: There’s a dude?

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: Who? Who is it?

Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn’t see who it was but… (He walks out and closes the door.)

Phoebe: Was that story over?

(They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying a sweater.)

Joey: The guy left this.

Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is… (She walks into Monica and Chandler’s.)

Monica: People have got to finish their stories!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures.]

Chandler: (to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us?

Woman At The Wedding: Oh! Of course. (Ross and Chandler pose and she takes the picture.)

Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us?

Chandler: Uhh… Yeah sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click!

Woman At The Wedding: It didn’t click.

Ross: I heard it. I heard it.

Man At The Wedding: But there was no flash.

Woman At The Wedding: Why won’t you take our picture?

Chandler: Oh yeah. I’ll take, I’ll take your picture. (He takes the picture with his finger over the lens.)

Man At The Wedding: Uh, your finger was covering the lens.

Chandler: Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here!

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside.]

Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go!

Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?

Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I’m a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that won’t quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.

Rachel: Oh God… Oh, he’s in there right now?

Phoebe: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off. What to you want to do?

Rachel: Uh, let’s rip!

Phoebe: Really? Are you sure?

Rachel: Oh Phoebe!

Phoebe: Okay, sorry. Yeah. (They go inside to confront the father.)

Tag: Hey Rach.

[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross is taking a picture of a plant, Chandler a fork. The band stops.]

Chandler: Why don’t you go up on stage. I’ll get a picture of you doing the speech.

Ross: Okay. Okay!

(He goes up on stage, mimes like he's giving the speech, and Chandler takes his picture. However, before he gets down everyone starts clinking their glasses for a real speech.)

Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed.

Anxious Wedding Guest: (rushing up) That’s my car!

Ross: A ’95 LeSabre?!

Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!

Ross: A green LeSabre?

Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!

Ross: I’m sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.

Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Green-blue!

Ross: Well go! Go move it! (He runs off.)

Chandler: Okay, you ready for the last picture?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.)

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Tag: So, what’s this about?

Phoebe: Rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that this is your red sweater.

Tag: No. (Unzips his coat.) This is my red sweater.

Phoebe: Oh no. Could I get anyone a coffee or…poison? No? Just for me? Okay. (Walks away.)

Tag: What’s going on Rach?

Rachel: Nothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But y’know you do wear that sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare?

Tag: Y’know, I’m actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.) I know we broke up because you thought I wasn’t mature enough, but I’ve really grown up and think we should get back together.

Rachel: Oh, it’s just not the right time.

Tag: It is the right time. (Takes her hand.)

Rachel: Okay.

Tag: I’m ready for more.

Rachel: Tag…

Tag: Come on Rach, let’s give it another try.

Rachel: I’m having a baby.

Tag: Oh. (He drops her hand.)

(Pause)

Rachel: You can go.

Tag: Thank you. (Gets up and hurries out.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has finished opening all the presents. She’s ashamed of this, at least, because as someone enters…]

Monica: (throwing up the last present) I don’t know how any of these got opened?!

Joey: (entering) You opened them all?

Monica: I know! I know! I am a terrible person! I mean, Chandler is never going to trust me with anything ever again!

Joey: Oh hey! You got my parent’s gift! (Holds it up.)

Monica: Yeah. What is that?

Joey: Well, I don’t know. I think it does something to salami.

(Phoebe and Rachel enter.)

Monica: Hey! How’d it go?

Joey: Yeah. What-what did Tag say?

Rachel: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now?

Joey: I do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you. (They hug.)

Rachel: Oh wow, you didn’t even try to unhook my bra!

Monica: So are you ever gonna tell whoever it is?

Rachel: No, I will. I’m just not up for it tonight.

Joey: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know you’re not gonna be alone in this.

Rachel: I’m not?

Joey: Listen I uh… (He takes her hand.) It’s a scary world out there especially if you’re a single mom. Y’know, I always felt like you and I have this-this special bond. Y’know? So, (gets down on one knee again) Rachel Green will you marry me?

Rachel: What?

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: What?!!

Joey: Pheebs, give me the ring back!

Phoebe: No!!

Rachel: No! Joey, oh you’re so sweet. You’re so-so sweet, honey. But I’m not, I’m not looking for a husband.

Joey: (heartbroken) I understand.

Rachel: Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go and lie down. (Exits.)

Phoebe: I can’t say that didn’t hurt. But I’ll take you back Joey Tribbiani.

Joey: Uh yeah. Pheebs, listen about that. I only offered…

Phoebe: Ooh! A Salami Buddy!

Joey: There you go!

(Chandler and Ross enter with the new pictures.)

Chandler: We’re back!

Monica: Great! We’re hangin’ in the kitchen! (She drags him into the kitchen and turns his back to the living room) Let’s stay in the kitchen!

Chandler: It’s picture time.

Ross: Now you are going to love these.

Chandler: (showing her the pictures) Here’s a picture of Ross. (Shows another one.) And that’s me. (Another one.) And that’s me and Ross. (Another one.) Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple.

Monica: Wow! That is a great picture!

Chandler: Eh?

Monica: Yeah! Oh and interesting because I found the cameras in one of our bags! (Throws them into his chest.)

Ross: Huh, didn’t see that coming.

Chandler: Okay, so this isn’t a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with…with this lady. Which by the look on your face I’m sure you’ll remember. So we don’t need—(Rips the picture)—There’s no need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and get them developed right now.

Monica: That would be a good idea.

Chandler: Okay. (Sees the living room.) You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together!

Monica: You kissed another woman!

Chandler: Call it even?!

Monica: Okay! (They high-five and he walks out.)

Ross: Well, I’m gonna go get these (the floral bouquet he walked in with) in some water.

Phoebe: Wait you stole those from these people’s wedding?

Ross: No-no, I took them from the hotel lobby. Yeah, they think they can charge me for some dirty movie and a bag of Mashuga nuts, they got another think coming. (Starts to leave.) Hey! My sweater! I’ve been looking for this for like a month!

(He exits leaving a stunned Phoebe and Monica.)

Monica and Phoebe: Oh my God!!

Joey: (slow on the uptake) Oh my God!

Closing Credits

[Scene: A Street, Ross walks past Tag wearing the same red sweater.]

Ross: Hey! How you doing?

Tag: Good! Good, long time no see.

Ross: Yeah.

Tag: Like your sweater.

Ross: Oh hey, right back at ya.

Tag: Oh, it’s crazy about Rachel huh?

Ross: Yeah. She—Well, she’s one crazy lady?

Tag: So whose is it?

Ross: (shows Tag his sweater tag) Umm, I don’t some Italian guy. Come on, read your own label. See you later.

Tag: Okay.

(They separate.)

Ross: He is so weird.

End

The One Where Rachel Tells…

Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom.]

Chandler: Hey! Babe! Aren’t you excited we’re going on our honeymoon?

Monica: Yeah I am!

Chandler: (singing) Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama…

Monica: That’s right. Get it out of your system while we’re alone.

Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!

Phoebe: Yeah! Have a great honeymoon!

Chandler: I’d better go pack.

Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn’t find though was your Speedo.

(Joey looks at him, Phoebe tries not to smile, and Chandler is shocked.)

Chandler: A Speedo? Uh, I don’t have a Speedo. I’m gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.)

Rachel: (entering) Oh good you’re still here!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: I want to tell you to have a good honeymoon! (Hugs Monica.)

Monica: Thank you.

Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. (They all look at her expectantly) What? What? What?

(Pause.)

Joey: We know its Ross!

Rachel: How?! How do you know?

Phoebe: It was his sweater, but—Oh my God!

Rachel: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I’m so relieved you guys know.

Monica: This is so great! And I’m gonna be your baby’s aunt!

Rachel: I know! (They hug.)

Phoebe: Me too! (Joins the hug.)

Joey: I’m gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He joins the hug.)

Rachel: (breaking the hug) You’re all gonna be aunts and uncles.

Monica: Yeah, but I’m the only one related by blood.

Rachel: Okay. Great! So now that you guys all know you can help me. Give me some advice on how I’m gonna tell Ross!

Monica: Well, what were you gonna say?

Rachel: Well I was gonna tell him that I’m-I’m gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants.

Joey: Well that, that sounds good.

Rachel: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, what’s-what’s the first thing that I say? (They all pause to think.) Okay great! Thanks. (She starts to leave.)

Monica: Hey! Good luck!

Phoebe: Yeah, bye.

Joey: Bye.

(Rachel exits.)

Chandler: (entering) Hey, what was that all about?

Monica: Well I guess there is no harm in telling you now, Rachel and Ross are gonna have a baby.

Chandler: (in a high pitched voice) What?! I didn’t even know that—Why didn’t you tell me?! (Pause) Why am I talking like this?!

Monica: I didn’t think you could keep it a secret.

Chandler: (in the high pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.

Joey: What secrets?

Chandler: Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.

(The girls walk away.)

Joey: (whispering to Chandler) You’ll tell me later?

Chandler: You already know.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are entering.]

Phoebe: Oh, it's so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon.

Joey: Y’know, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something.

Phoebe: All in good time my love. All in good time. Oh shoot! I left my guitar in their apartment. Well you can let me in later.

Joey: I don’t have a key, they took mine to give to you.

Phoebe: What?! They took mine to give to you!

Joey: Why would they take away our keys?

Phoebe: Maybe they don’t trust us.

Joey: No that’s not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town.

Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monica’s guest towels?

Joey: Hey, I washed those!

Phoebe: No you didn’t.

Joey: Yeah that didn’t sound like me.

Phoebe: Well, what am I gonna do? I really need my guitar!

Joey: Yeah, I have stuff in there too.

Phoebe: What stuff?

Joey: Monica’s chicken parm! I’ll take care of it. (He picks up the phone) Hey Mr. Treeger, it’s Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and Chandler’s apartment. It’s an emergency. (Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic bread. (Hangs up.)

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Did Rachel find you?

Ross: No why?

Phoebe: Oh she was looking for you.

Ross: Oh well, I guess I’ll catch up with her later.

Phoebe: Well, she really wanted to talk to you now.

Joey: Yeah, it seemed pretty important.

Ross: Oh no.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: I think I might know what this is about.

(Phoebe and Joey trade looks)

Joey: Really?

Ross: Yeah. Uh, uh we promised we weren’t gonna tell anybody this but uh, about a month ago Rachel and I slept together.

Phoebe: (deadpan) And?

Ross: Wow! I thought you would be a little more shocked.

Phoebe: Oh sorry. (Shocked) And?!

Ross: Well, we-we said we’d just do it that one time but, but now I think she may wanna start things up again.

Joey: Yeah, I don’t think that’s what it is.

Ross: Why? What-what else could it be?

Joey: Oh wow, I don’t feel well.

Ross: I’m telling you. I’m telling you. That’s what it is. No wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didn’t say anything to you?

Phoebe: (To Joey) Maybe it’s something you ate?

Joey: Please, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel.

Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.) Man, y’know what I have to realize? Maybe I’m just not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Y’know, they-they always seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that. (He pauses and then exits.)

[Scene: The Airport Ticket Counter, Monica and Chandler are standing in line behind another couple kissing who are next in line to be served.]

Ticket Agent: Next?

(The kissing couple doesn’t move.)

Monica: They’re kissing let’s just go around them.

Chandler: Oh honey, leave them alone, they’re in love.

Monica: I’m in love too! But in an orderly fashion.

Ticket Agent: Next?

Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk? ‘Cause she said, "Next."

(The couple moves up to the counter.)

Woman: Sorry. We didn’t hear you; we’re on our honeymoon.

Ticket Agent: Oh, let me see what I can do. (Checks the computer) There are some first class seats available.

Monica: (To Chandler) Did you hear that?! They bumped them up to first class because they are on their honeymoon! Come on! Let’s act like we’re on our honeymoon.

Chandler: We are on our honeymoon.

Monica: Grab my ass!

Ticket Agent: Next?

(They go up to the counter.)

Monica: Hi, sorry. I almost didn’t hear you, because y’know I’m just so in love with my new husband. We’re on our honeymoon.

Ticket Agent: Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bing you’ll be in 25J and Mrs. Bing you’ll be in 25K.

Monica: Oh no, you see we’re on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little thing and bump us up to first class?

Ticket Agent: I’m sorry, all our first class seats are taken. That couple got the last two.

Monica: You see, if we’d gone around them like I said, we—She would’ve given us those tickets. Damnit!

Chandler: 25J and K, any chance those aren’t together?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Joey are playing Rock ‘em, Sock ‘em Robots.]

Joey: I still can’t believe they took away my key. You trust me with yours.

Phoebe: Of course I do! And I’m gonna give it back to you as soon as they’re done with it at the key shining place.

(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)

Joey: What the hell is that?

(They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger watching one of New York’s bravest breakdown Monica and Chandler’s door with an ax.]

Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, what are you doing?

Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in here.

Phoebe: Well why don’t you use your key?

Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing (Holds up a huge key ring with a thousand keys on it), the whole place might have exploded. If that happens at another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions. (To the fireman) Come on! Hurry up.

(With a final swing the door gives way.)

Phoebe: Oh! We could have done that.

[Scene: The Airport, Chandler and Monica are following the previous couple through a tiny hallway that proves this is a set on a sound stage and not an actual airport, and see them enter the first class lounge.]

Monica: Look at that! Look at that! They’re going into the first class lounge! Do you know what they have in there?

Chandler: No.

Monica: Me neither! We have to get in! (She runs through the door with Chandler in tow.)

Chandler: Just act like you belong.

Monica: Oh my God! Oranges!

Chandler: Shh! (To the guy behind the counter) Nice to see you again. (They tries to walk past him.)

Airline Employee: Uh sir, may I see your tickets please?

Chandler: Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)

Airline Employee: I’m sorry, would you move your thumb? I can’t see the seat number.

Chandler: Oh that’s all right, I have it memorized. It’s 1A.

Airline Employee: (grabbing the ticket from him) Sir, this is not a first class ticket. I’m sorry.

Chandler: Apology accepted. Excuse us. (They try to enter again.)

Airline Employee: Sir! I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Monica: Fine. (Starts to walk away then she runs over and grabs an orange before she exits.) Go! Go! Go!

[Scene: The Hallway Outside Ross’s Apartment, Ross is walking towards his apartment and sees Rachel sitting in front of the door.]

Rachel: (seeing him) Hi!

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi. (He helps her up.) Umm, I think there’s something that we really need to talk about.

Ross: (quietly confident) I think we do. Why don’t we go inside? (They go inside.) Look uh, I know why you’re here.

Rachel: You do?

Ross: Yeah, and to save you from any embarrassment umm, I think maybe I should talk first.

Rachel: (warily) Okay.

Ross: Okay. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. That’s been one heck of a see-saw hasn’t it?

Rachel: (confused) What?

Ross: I mean look, that-that one night we had was fun and…and certainly passionate, but don’t you think it’s better if we just stayed friends?

Rachel: Seriously. What?!

Ross: Okay. Okay. Y’know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean I’d-I’d be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now.

Rachel: Okay, y’know what? Can I, can I talk now?

Ross: Oh sure. (He sits on the apothecary table and touches her hand.)

Rachel: (touches his knee) I’m pregnant. (Ross stops.) Ross? (Ross is staring off into space.) Ross? (Ross is still frozen) Okay, whenever you’re ready. (Sits back and opens her magazine.) And you’re the father by the way—but you got that…

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: (closes her magazine) Can I get you some water?

Ross: I’m good. I’m good.

Rachel: Ross, there is no pressure on you. Okay? I mean you can as involved as you want. (Ross nods.)

Ross: Yeah, I need uh… I’m just—I don’t know—I don’t understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.

Rachel: I know. I know, but y’know condoms only work like 97% of the time.

Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!!

Rachel: They do!

Ross: No they don’t!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!

Rachel: Okay Ross come on let’s just forget about the condoms.

Ross: Oh well I may as well have!

Rachel: Listen, y’know what? I was really freaked out too when I found out…

Ross: Freaked out? Hey no, I’m not freaked out! I’m indignant! As a consumer!

Rachel: Y’know what? Let’s, let’s talk later.

Ross: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? I—In fact, (picks up the phone) I am going to talk to the president of the condom company!

Rachel: Okay, y’know maybe I should come back… (Starts to leave.)

Ross: (grabs her) Shh! Shh! Shh!

Rachel: (stops) Okay.

Ross: (on phone) Yeah I’ll press 1! (Presses one which allows Rachel to escape.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mr. Treeger has finished inspecting Monica and Chandler’s apartment.]

Mr. Treeger: I’ve looked everywhere. There’s no gas leak.

Joey: (eating) Huh. So then I can heat this up? (Goes and does so.)

Mr. Treeger: Anyway uh, I’ll get moving on that new door.

Phoebe: Oh great! And listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about this? ‘Cause y’know umm, they don’t-they don’t have any kids of their own and-and this door was like a child to them.

Mr. Treeger: Well I’m gonna have to put on a new lock, they’ll find out anyway.

Phoebe: Oh no.

Mr. Treeger: (measures the top of the doorframe) Whoa! This looks like an all day job, I’ll have to cancel my yoga class. (Ross walks up.) Hey Ross!

Ross: Hi.

Mr. Treeger: Could you tell Jasmine that I won't make it to yoga class today?

Ross: Sure.

Mr. Treeger: Namaste. (Bows.)

Ross: Namaste. (Bows.)

(Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)

Ross: Oh my God! What happened to the door?!

Joey: So it’s noticeable huh?

Ross: Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her.

Phoebe: Didn’t you two already talk?

Ross: Yeah but uh… Okay, okay look you guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there’s something else. (Pause) Rachel’s pregnant.

Joey: (simultaneously) Oh my God!!! I can’t believe that!!

Phoebe: (simultaneously) Holy mother of God!!!

Ross: With my child.

Phoebe: That is brand new information!!

Ross: You already know don’t you?

Phoebe: A little bit.

Joey: How are you doing?

Ross: Okay. Okay. I mean I’ll be okay. It’s just I don’t think I handled it very well.

Joey: Well, what did you say to her?

Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. And then when I turned around she was gone.

Phoebe: Oh Ross.

Ross: But hey, in my defense I-I just found out condoms are like only 97% effective.

Joey: (shocked) What?

Ross: I gotta go find her.

Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they don’t even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!

Ross: Evidently they do.

Joey: What?! (Grabs his condoms from his pocket and looks.)

[Scene: The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and Monica are arriving to check in, but are behind the couple from before again.]

Monica: I can’t believe we’re here.

Chandler: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.

Monica: What? (Monica sees the first couple and gasps.)

Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite.

Monica: No!! You have been screwing us all day!

Man: Who are you?

Chandler: We’re you just ten seconds later!

Monica: Yeah! You already got the first class tickets; you got the lounge! I mean we should get free stuff too! I mean you’re not the only ones on your honeymoon!

Woman: Well you can have the suite if you want. We don’t care about where we stay. We’re here to celebrate our love together. We don’t have to get free stuff. We just want to be together.

Chandler: (looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the phone and Phoebe is watching him.]

Joey: Hey Monica it’s Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe and I smell gas comin’ from your apartment.

Monica: What? Are you serious?! (To Chandler) Joey smells gas!

Chandler: What else is new?

Joey: Yeah and we’d go check it out, but you took away our keys.

Monica: Well do something! Get in there!

Joey: How? I guess I could break down your door.

Monica: Yeah! Do that!

Joey: And-and you won’t blame us for any damage? (Gives Phoebe a thumbs up.)

Monica: No! (Pause) Are you doing it?! I don’t hear anything! Come on!

Joey: Uh, okay I’ll-I’ll-I’ll break it down. (He hands the phone to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)

Phoebe: Oh hey hi, he’s doing it. He’s breaking down the door. (The chair breaks in half.) Okay, we’re in. (She hangs up the phone.)

[Scene: A doctor’s office, Rachel is on an examining table with her legs in the stirrups.]

Nurse: Okay Rachel, are you comfortable?

Rachel: (sighs) If I said I was, would you judge me?

Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram.

Rachel: Okay. (The nurse exits.) Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn…

(There’s a knock on the door and Ross enters.)

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: (shocked) Hi!

Ross: Uh we-we need to talk.

Rachel: Uh-uh-uh, right now? Because I’ve kinda got an el fresco situation going on over here.

Ross: Please, please I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today.

Rachel: Okay Ross that’s fine, but can you please stand near my head?

Ross: What? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her head.) I’m sorry. I mean I-I think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I (Wanders towards Rachel’s feet) really—I should have been thinking about you Rach…

Rachel: Okay. Head Ross! Head Ross! Head Ross!

Ross: Right! Right! I just—I want you to know that I’m going to be there through this whole thing, okay? Okay? The doctor’s appointments, the uh, the Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the apartment—Although we could probably worry about that ‘til after we get married.

Rachel: What married?

Ross: Well yeah, I think we should get married.

Rachel: What, because that’s your answer to everything?

Ross: No, because that’s the right thing to do.

Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you’re in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are we?

Ross: No but…but still you can’t possibly do this alone.

Rachel: Excuse me?

Ross: Come on Rach, you can’t even eat alone in a restaurant.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: I’m just saying if you can’t eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself?

Rachel: I can too eat by myself!

Ross: When have you ever?

Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!

Ross: Well certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup!

Rachel: Oh please, you inhale your food!

Ross: I grew up with Monica! If you didn’t eat fast you didn’t eat!!

Dr. Long: (entering) Am I interrupting?

Rachel: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father.

Ross: But not the husband, because evidently she can do this alone.

Dr. Long: Huh. Nice to meet you. I’ll get started on this.

Ross: (To Rachel, standing by her feet) I don’t know why you can’t admit that you need me.

Rachel: I do need you! I need you to stand near my head!

Dr. Long: Okay, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. (We see Ross and Rachel looking at the screen.) Here is your uterus. And right here is your baby.

Ross: Oh my God.

Rachel: Wow. There it is, I see it.

Dr. Long: Congratulations. I’ll give you two a minute.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Thank you.

(Dr. Long exits and Rachel starts to cry.)

Ross: Pretty amazing huh?

Rachel: I don’t see it!

Ross: What? What?!

Rachel: I can’t see it!

Ross: You-you just said that you did!

Rachel: I know, I lied! I didn’t want her to think I was a terrible mother! I can’t even see my own baby!

Ross: Oh sure, come here! (Sits her up) Sure you can! Uh, look come here look, (rolls the machine closer) it’s-it’s-it’s, it’s right there (Points).

Rachel: Oh. Oh, it’s beautiful. I see it now.

Ross: Do you really?

Rachel: No, I don’t see it!

Ross: Come on! Come on! Here, okay-okay, you see this? (Points) This tiny thing that looks like a peanut?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Sweetie that’s it.

Rachel: That’s it? Well I saw that! Ohh-ohh-oh, thank you.

Ross: You’re welcome.

Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe that’s our baby.

Ross: Yeah, that’s our baby.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are there as Rachel and Ross return from the doctor’s appointment.]

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! So how was the doctor?

Rachel: Oh, everything went great.

Phoebe: Good.

Ross: Oh hey, show them the picture of your uterus.

(She does so.)

Phoebe: Oh.

Joey: I don’t see the baby. Where is it?

Rachel: Oh no, I know I couldn’t see it either at first, but it’s right umm… (Starts to cry) Ross, I lost it again.

Ross: Oh. (He takes the picture and hugs her.

End

The One With The Videotape

Written by: Scott Silveri

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.]

Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I can’t wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.

Monica: You’re really sticking with the shell necklace huh? (Points to necklace of shells he’s wearing.)

(Joey and Phoebe burst forth from his apartment.)

Phoebe: Hi!

Joey: Hey! You’re back! (Hugs and kisses all around.)

Monica: Hi sweetie!

Phoebe: Come on in!

(They grab the luggage and drag it into Joey and Rachel’s forcing Monica and Chandler to follow.)

Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon?

Monica: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is, we met this incredible couple on the way back.

Phoebe: That was the best part? (To Chandler) Good honeymooning tiger.

Monica: No, they were really cool. They were on their honeymoon too!

Chandler: They’re terrific, and they live right here in the city.

Monica: Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I wanna call.

Chandler: I’m sorry, we’re just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with.

Monica: I know.

Joey: A couple? Like two people? Like (points to himself) one (points to Phoebe), two people?

Monica: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.

Phoebe: Oh, Greg and Jenny yuck! (Angrily) Hi Greg, I’m Chandler this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg.

Chandler: Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance…

Joey: Y’know what? Why don’t you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here?

Chandler: We really…didn’t get a chance to…

Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me!

Monica: We didn’t get anything for anyone.

Joey: Hm-mm! Yeah nice necklace!

Monica: That you can have.

Opening Credits

{Transcriber’s Note: Tradition was broken here as there were no commercials immediately after the opening credits, just more show.}

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Rachel are entering with the rest of the gang already inside.]

Rachel: Hi!

All: Hey!

Ross: Hello!

Rachel: Welcome home.

Ross: So, how was the honeymoon?

Monica: It was great! It was great! How about you?! I mean you’re having a baby!

Rachel: Oh! Look! I have a sonogram picture!

Monica: Oh great! (Shows them the picture.)

Chandler: Ross! It’s got your wavy black lines!

Monica: All right, so now that Ross knows can you tell us y’know how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen?

Phoebe: Monica! That’s not right! Start with where.

(Rachel looks at Ross and gets his approval.)

Rachel: Well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from work and Ross was already there ‘cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey.

Joey: You’re welcome buddy.

Ross: (glaring at him) Yeah, thanks. (Joey nods no problem.)

Rachel: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me.

Ross: (laughs) Umm that’s…that’s a little misleading.

Rachel: What is?

Ross: The lie you just told.

Rachel: That-that you came on to me?

Ross: There’s the one!

Rachel: But you did! I mean, let’s be honest.

Ross: Yes let’s. Y’know what? Uh, it’s-it’s not important. What is important is that, is that we’re having a baby. And it’s not—Doesn’t matter who came on to who.

Joey: Whom. (Everyone looks at him shocked.) That’s right.

Rachel: You know you kissed me first.

Ross: What? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals all over the place!

Rachel: I was sending you signals?

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and no one else.)

Ross: Y’know what?! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter what you believe! What matters is what happened!

Rachel: Okay. So these signals Ross, explain this to me, ‘cause maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?

Ross: Y’know what? Y’know what? Rachel, just-just drop it.

Rachel: No please, show me how I begged you!

Ross: I can show you, I have it on videotape! (Stunned silence) It’s an expression.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time has lapsed, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table.]

Phoebe: I can’t believe he taped the two of them having sex!

Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.

Chandler: Y’know who has a great video camera?

Phoebe: (nasally) Greg and Jenny?

Monica: Do you still wanna call ‘em? I wanna call ‘em.

Chandler: Let’s call ‘em.

Joey: Yeah! Ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs!

(Monica goes over and dials their number.)

Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Eighth street deli?

Joey: Hey, hang up! You get food poisoning just talkin’ to that place.

Monica: (on phone) Uh sorry, wrong number. (Hangs up)

Chandler: Here you go. (Shows her the number again.)

Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) (To All) It’s the deli again!

Joey: All right! I’ll have a sandwich!

Monica: (hangs up) I don’t think this number’s right!

(Joey and Phoebe laugh.)

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: You got fake numbered.

Monica: What?! People don’t do that!

Joey: Oh I think we do.

Monica: They gave us a fake number? Why? Why would they do that?

Chandler: I don’t know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions.

Monica: And you’ve never been funnier. Joke, joke, joke, you were a hoot!

Joey: Y’know what? Don’t worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe.

Phoebe: Excuse me, I don’t want Greg and Jenny’s rejects.

Ross: (entering) Rachel won’t talk to me! She won’t even open the door!

Phoebe: Hmm, I wonder why. Pervert!

Ross: Okay, listen I am not a pervert!

Phoebe: That’s like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that!

Ross: Filming Rachel is not something I planned. Okay look, here’s what happened, and Joey you-you can back me up on this. All right, about-about a month and a half ago I came to you with a problem? Umm, a personal thing.

Joey: Personal thing? What personal thing? I don’t know.

Ross: About…about sex? (Joey looks at him confused) That I hadn’t had sex in months?

Joey: (laughs) Yeah I knew what you were talkin’ about.

Six Weeks Earlier

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading a cereal box as Ross enters wearing the red sweater.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you about something I’m, I’m really uncomfortable talking about.

Joey: Sure. What? About uh, you showering with your mom?

Ross: I actually had a topic in mind! I’m, I’m kinda going through a dry spell, sex wise.

Joey: Whoa, for like months?

Ross: Five to be lying, six.

Joey: Six months? Whoa that’s rough.

Ross: Well, I mean it’s not all bad. I’m learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.

Joey: The sky’s blue Ross and I had sex yesterday!

Ross: Please, help me! I have a date tonight. It has to go well okay—I’m scared for my health!

Joey: Okay. Okay. Umm…Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. It’s this story I came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; they’re like putty.

Ross: Really? Well then tell it to me.

Joey: Okay. Now you’re gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story.

Ross: (sarcastic) I’ll try to control myself.

Joey: Okay. (Clears throat) Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe…

Ross: (laughs) You were backpacking across Western Europe?

Joey: Have a nice six more months Ross! (Starts to leave.)

Ross: (stopping him) Okay! Okay! Okay. I’m sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe and?

Joey: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. (Whispering) It was dead silent. Gorgeous. (Softly) And across the lake I saw…a beautiful woman…bathing herself…but she was crying…

Ross: (intently listening) Why?

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is on his date with Kristen and they’re drinking wine.]

Kristen: Umm, this is great wine.

Ross: It’s from France…In Europe…Western Europe. Y’know umm, a few years ago I actually was backpacking across Western Europe.

Kristen: Really?

Ross: Uh-hmm—Wait! It gets better. Um, yeah I was in Barcelona.

Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona. (Ross is stunned and worried.)

Ross: Anyway, umm so I was um, I was hiking…

Kristen: I love hiking!

Ross: (whines) Oh that’s great! I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidaybo…

Kristen: I think its Tibidabo.

Ross: Okay! Do you wanna tell the story?!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Ross enters.]

Joey: Whoa! What are you doing here? How did your date go?

Ross: Great! I’m across the street having sex with her right now. Your story sucks!

Joey: Hey! Look, if it didn’t work it’s because you didn’t tell it right! Show me how you did it.

Ross: No! No, I don’t…don’t want to.

Joey: How long since you’ve seen a girl naked?

Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe.

Joey: I’m not feeling it.

Ross: I was just outside Barcelona, hiking…

Joey: No! No! No Ross! I’m not hot! Are you hot?

Ross: It’s been six months! I’m always hot!

Joey: Well you’re not selling the story! It’s like; it’s like you don’t believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when I’m preparing for an audition. Okay? I’ll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what you’re doing wrong.

Ross: I’ll try that.

Joey: All right now… All right, you’re all set up. You’re good to go. Just hit record. All right?

Ross: Thanks.

Joey: Good luck.

Ross: Thanks. And-and hey Joe?

Joey: Yeah?

Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know I’ll help you out.

Joey: (trying not to laugh) That means a lot to me man. (Exits.)

(Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record, and sits down in front of the camera.)

Ross: Hello! Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery okay? (Rachel bursts in carrying two boxes and Ross jumps up.) Rachel!

Rachel: Oh Ross!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: Thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself?

Ross: That’s less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was.

(They sit down on the couch, which is in front of the still recording camera.)

Ross: (voiceover) So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. [Cut back to the present day.] It kept rolling and recorded everything.

(Pause)

Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna need to see that tape. (They rest of them agree.)

Monica: Yeah, definitely.

Ross: What a great idea! That will get Rachel to forgive me!

Joey: Y’know what? This is not fair to her. Let’s just forget the tape!

Ross: Thank you. (Joey mouths to Ross, "You’ll show me right?") No!

Joey: You’re right. (Mouths, "I know you’ll show me, right?)

Ross: Joey! No!

Joey: Loud and clear! (Mouths, "You’ll show me," and nods.)

(Ross storms out.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are now sitting in the living room.]

Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number.

Joey: Y’know, if they knew what they were doing they probably didn’t give you real names either.

Monica: Okay, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don’t give out fake names.

Joey: Oh yeah? (To Phoebe) Hi, Ken Adams, nice to meet you.

Phoebe: Regina Philange. (Ken and Regina shake hands.)

Chandler: I still don’t get it, we didn’t do anything wrong.

Monica: I know! Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes.

Chandler: I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke!

Monica: (rolling her head from side to side) Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah! (Joey and Phoebe laugh.)

Chandler: Well maybe it was all of your questions.

Monica: What about my questions?

Chandler: The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler!

Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Was that another joke?

Chandler: (angrily) Was that another question?

Rachel: (entering) Hey! Is Ross still here?

Joey: Uh no Rach, he’s gone. But listen, he told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake.

Rachel: Oh really? Well how would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it? (Joey smiles luridly) Oh forget it! (Ross enters.) Oh there he is now, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village.

Ross: Look, it was accident! Okay? I-I feel bad that it happened, but I swear, I didn’t even watch it! Anyway, here. (He takes the tape out of his coat pocket.) I thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself. (Tosses her the tape.)

Rachel: Thank you. (She sets it on the floor and is about to stomp on it with her shoe when the rest of the gang jumps up and yells simultaneously.) What? (They all yell again.) You don’t want to see this do you?

Monica: Hell yeah!!!

Rachel: I am not gonna show you this!

Phoebe: No! Not the sex part, just the stuff leading up to it.

Ross: Forget it, she’s destroying it.

Phoebe: Okay fine! Fine! We’ll just have to think of some other way to put the whole ‘Who came onto who,’ thing to rest! Come on now, think!!

Ross: Look, forget it Phoebe. Okay? It’s Rachel’s tape and she can do whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story.

Rachel: I wanna see it.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Clearly you don’t want people to see this tape. Now I don’t want people to see this tape either, but you so badly don’t people to see it makes me want to see it. You see?

Joey: (confused) Are we watchin’ the tape or not?!

Ross: I don’t want people to see it for your sake.

Rachel: Ahh, I don’t believe you. I think you don’t want them to see you begging me. (Goes to put the tape in the VCR)

Ross: Rachel, please…

Rachel: Ah, a little preview!

Ross: Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road, because in about five minutes I’m gonna be saying…(He laughs and points at Rachel sarcastically.)

(They both sit down.)

Rachel: Okay, here we go. (Pushes play.)

Ross: (on tape) Hello! Can I get you anything?

Joey: (To Phoebe) I’m so happy!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the scene is continued from earlier.]

Rachel: (on tape) Oh, thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself?

Rachel: There I am.

Phoebe: You’re gonna get pregnant.

Rachel: (on tape) I screwed up so bad, I told Monica that I would stuff and send all these wedding invitations like weeks ago and I-I…

Ross: (on tape) You didn’t do it?

Rachel: (on tape) I-I know—I had put them in…in-in my desk at work and I completely forgot about them until today.

(Chandler is shocked and Rachel gets scared of Monica very quickly.)

Monica: (taking Rachel’s hand) Sweetie okay. It’s okay. Everybody made it to the wedding. I’m fine.

Rachel: Kinda hurtin’ my hand though.

Monica: I know.

Rachel: (on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of wine) I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! (Mimicking Monica) "Okay Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!" (She tilts her wine glass above and moves it back and forth across the invitations) Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh…oh-oh-oh…

(Rachel hits fast forward. Monica is completely shocked.)

Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?!

Ross: (pause) Not on the ones we sent out.

Chandler: So, just the ones gave back to us and we had framed! (Slams the framed invitation down onto the table.)

(Rachel stops fast forwarding.)

Rachel: (on tape) Can you believe this is already happening? I mean it seems like yesterday they just got engaged.

Ross: (on tape) I know. Hey remember…remember the night they got engaged? How uh, you and I almost…

Rachel: (on tape) Oh, I remember how we almost. Do you think we would’ve gone through with it? Y’know, if we hadn’t gotten caught. Do you think we would’ve done it?

Ross: (on tape) I mean I…I know I wanted to. I just, I just wasn’t sure if you wanted to.

Rachel: (on tape) Oh I wanted to.

(Ross and Rachel trade looks while watching the tape.)

Ross: (on tape) So we…we both wanted to.

Rachel: (on tape) Interesting.

Ross: (on tape) Yeah. (Pause) Anyway umm, it probably worked out for the best.

Rachel: (on tape) Oh yeah, sure.

Rachel: Okay, in about ten seconds you’re gonna see him kiss me.

Ross: And in about five seconds you’re gonna see why.

Rachel: (on tape) Ross did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe?

(Joey’s shocked and everyone else looks at Rachel.)

Rachel: Okay, get ready to see some beggin’!

Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross!

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Now I’m so happy.

Rachel: What are you talking about?!

Monica: You used the Europe story!

Chandler: That’s the magic story you use when you wanna have sex!

Rachel: How do you know about that story?!

Joey: How do you know about that story?!

Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!

Joey: (raises his hand) Some guy!! (Points to himself.)

Rachel: No. No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.

Joey: (raises his hand and points to himself again) Ken Adams!!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is looking at the tape sitting on the counter as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: So uh, apparently people are familiar with the Europe story?

Ross: Yeah. Listen about that, the whole uh, who came on to who thing really doesn’t matter. I mean, I think it would’ve happened either way. I mean if you hadn’t initiated it I-I-I know I would’ve.

Rachel: It was an amazing night.

Ross: It was. It was an amazing night.

(Pause)

Rachel: You think it looked amazing?

Ross: I uh… I don’t know. I mean I…I honestly didn’t watch it.

Rachel: Yeah, me neither. Yet…

Ross: Uhhhhhh…that-that may be weird.

Rachel: Yeah, it would be really weird.

(Ross grabs the tape and heads for the VCR as Rachel goes over and puts the chain on the door and locks it.)

Ross: Good luck.

Rachel: Good luck to you.

(Ross pushes play.)

Ross: Mind if I mute?

Rachel: Oh please. (He does so.)

Ross: Oh, oh there go the clothes.

Rachel: You are undressing very quickly.

Ross: Six months Rachel, six months.

Ross and Rachel: Ah. (Pause) Oh.

Ross: Hey. We-we look…we look pretty good.

Rachel: That’s what I was gonna say.

Ross: Oh nice tan!

Rachel: Thank you! I had just gone to the beach that weekend.

Ross: Ah….

Rachel: Have you been working out?

Ross: I have been working out.

Rachel: Really? Wow, this is so much better than I…

Ross and Rachel: Ohh! Ew!

Ross: Oh that’s not pretty.

Rachel: Oh! Oh!

Ross: No!

Rachel: Oh God!

Ross: Oh no!

Rachel: Oh, make it stop!

Ross: Oh no!!

Rachel: Make it stop!!

Ross: No!!

Rachel: Have to make it stop!!

Ross: No!!!

(They both get out of the chair and run for the VCR.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler have gone through the phone book and found Greg and Jenny’s number which Monica has just dialed.]

Monica: (on phone) Hello Greg? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica from the plane? Listen, the number that you gave me 853-5… (Listens) (To Chandler) That is their old number! Jenny’s been giving it out since they moved!

Chandler: Jenny! That is so Jenny!

Monica: (on phone) Hey listen umm, how would you like to get together? Say next Saturday? (Listens) Okay, how about Sunday? (Listens) Okay umm, the week after that? (Listens) The week after that? (Listens) Y’know what Greg? Y’know what? We are good, interesting, funny people with good questions and if you and your precious Jenny can’t see that then… (Listens) January 15th? (Chandler dances.) We’ll see you then! (Listens) Okay!

(She hangs up the phone and they hug.)

End

The One With Rachel’s Date

Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, she is frantically working and is handing two finished dishes to a waitress.]

Monica: Okay, now this one is rare, this one is medium well! Now go-go-go! (Phoebe enters) Hey Phoebe!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey how was dinner?!

Phoebe: Dinner was good!

Monica: Okay!

Phoebe: I’m just saying hi! Now I’m gonna go!

Monica: Okay!

(Phoebe turns to leave but notices an attractive man.)

Phoebe: (To him) Oh, well hello there.

Guy: Hi.

Phoebe: (To Monica) I didn’t see this on the menu.

Monica: Uh Tim? This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is Tim, my new sous chef.

Phoebe: Oh, so you're Monica’s boss?

Tim: Actually she’s my-my boss. Sous is French for under.

Phoebe: Oh! I sous stand.

Monica: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the pesto?

Tim: Yeah.

Phoebe: Oh you…you made pesto?

Tim: Yes I did.

Phoebe: Would you say your pesto is the best-o?

Tim: I…I-I don’t know, but I would say it’s pretty good-o. (Phoebe laughs too hard.)

(Monica goes over and grabs the pesto.)

Monica: All right, I still need a calamari and a Caesar salad.

Tim: I like your necklace.

Phoebe: I made it myself.

Tim: You are so talented.

Phoebe: Well, it’s no pesto.

Monica: All right, all right! Let’s just cut to the chase, okay? (To Phoebe) You’re single. (To Tim) You’re single. (To Phoebe) He gets off work at eleven. (To Tim) She’ll be waiting for your call. (To Phoebe) I’ll give him your number if I can get one calamari and one Caesar salad!! (Everyone in the kitchen stops.) I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler’s Office, he’s working at his computer as his boss, Mr. Franklin, sticks his head in.]

Mr. Franklin: Wow Bing! Burning the midnight oil.

Chandler: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?

Mr. Franklin: You’re a joker Bing. (Walks away.)

Chandler: What’s funny about that?

Ross: (running up) Hey! Sorry I kept you waiting so long.

Chandler: Hey that’s okay. So, where do you want to go?

Ross: Oh ah, I think you know where I want to go.

Chandler: The Hard Rock Café?

Ross: Yeah!

Chandler: Again?!

Ross: Yeah!!

(They go out to the elevators.)

Ross: I’m telling you, I like the food!

Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob.

Bob: Hey Toby! Have a good night. (Walks by.)

Ross: Did that guy just call you Toby?

Chandler: Yeah, he thinks that’s my name.

Ross: Well, why don’t you correct him?

Chandler: Oh it’s been going on way to long now. Y’know, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn’t say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now it’s five years later, the donut’s gone and I’m still Toby.

Ross: Five years?! Chandler you have to tell him!

Chandler: No! That would be so awkward! Look—Besides, we work in different departments. He’s on the sixth floor y’know? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What’s the big deal? It could be worse, it’s not like he’s calling me Muriel. (Chandler suddenly freezes into place.)

Ross: (laughs) Muriel. Wh-why would he call you Muriel? (Ross realizes something.) Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? It’s not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!!

Chandler: Shh! It is a family name!

Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they?

[Scene: Days Of Our Lives set, Joey is doing a scene with a co-star as Rachel watches on a monitor.]

Joey's Co-Star: Drake, I’ve discovered the reason for all your headaches and memory loss.

Dr. Drake Ramoray: What is it?

Joey's Co-Star: Apparently your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It seems your body is rejecting Jessica’s brain.

Dr. Drake Ramoray: Is it serious?

Joey's Co-Star: Not if we extract tissue from the original host body, synthesize antibodies, and introduce them into your system, which could stop it from rejecting the brain.

Dr. Drake Ramoray: Well that sounds simple enough, let’s just do that.

Joey's Co-Star: We would, but when we went to exhume Jessica’s body, it was gone.

(Dramatic music plays and Joey does a little ‘Smell-the-fart’ acting.)

Director: Cut! Very nice people!

Joey: (To Rachel) Okay, let me just get changed and we can go to dinner.

Rachel: Well don’t—What happened to Jessica’s body?!

Joey: I’m not telling, you’ll have to see it on TV!

Rachel: You don’t know do you?

Joey: No, couldn’t care less.

Joey's Co-Star: Hey good scene man.

Joey: Hey you too!

Joey's Co-Star: Alright.

(Rachel clears her throat.)

Joey: What? You weren’t in it.

Rachel: Oh! (Motions to Joey’s co-star.)

Joey: Oh sorry. Uh-uh, Kash?

Kash: Yes?

Joey: This is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash, Kash, Rachel.

Rachel: Hi.

Kash: Hey! How come I haven’t seen you here before?

Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks I’ll just embarrass him. Y’know, he thinks I’m some kind of a soap opera nut—Which I’m not! I’m not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts stroking his arm) And uh, and that your-your dog’s name is Wally. Well look at that, I’m just stroking your arm.

Joey: (grabbing her) Here we go! Here we go! (Starts to pull her away from Kash.)

Rachel: Oh, we’re leaving. Bye Kash.

Kash: Bye.

Rachel: Say hi to Wally.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is getting coffee as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Ooh Monica!

Monica: Hi!

Phoebe: Oh my God! I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so sweet! Oh, I can’t wait to get sous-neath him.

Monica: I…I have to fire him.

Phoebe: But why?!

Monica: Because he’s terrible! Okay, he’s slow, he burns things, last night he lit my pastry chef on fire!

Phoebe: Well maybe he was just nervous, y’know you can be very intimidating. And besides I’ve met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two.

Monica: Well, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished.

Phoebe: But Monica, he loves his job so much! Can you just give him another chance? Please?

Monica: (thinks about it) All right, but if-if he lights someone else on fire he is out of there!

Phoebe: That’s fair! Thank you so much. Thanks. Oops, it looks like when he got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too.

Monica: I paid to have this done.

Phoebe: Love it!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating at the counter as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Joey: Oh you know uh Kash, really liked you the other day. He said he thought you were charming.

Rachel: I thought I was a complete idiot.

Joey: Hey, I’m with you. He even asked me if I thought you’d go out with him.

Rachel: Oh! Oh, I think I’m gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say?

Joey: I said no.

Rachel: What?!

Joey: What? I…I just figured since you’re pregnant you’re not gonna be seeing people.

Rachel: Okay Joey, first of all Kash Ford is not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant?

Joey: I didn’t tell him. I didn’t know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people.

Rachel: Good-good, don’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Just have him call me okay?

Joey: Rach look, I really don’t think that’s such a great…

Rachel: Okay, you go do it! I’ll come back to that set! I’ll meet more actors! I’ll meet ‘em all!

[Scene: Chandler’s Office Building, Chandler is walking by the elevators and sees Bob standing there.]

Chandler: Hey Bob.

Bob: Hey! How’s my pal Toby doing today?

Chandler: If I see him, I’ll ask.

Bob: (laughs) Toby!

(The elevator doors opens, Bob boards the elevator, Chandler walks away, and Mr. Franklin steps out of the elevator.)

Mr. Franklin: Hey-hey! Bing? Was that Bob from six you were just talking too?

Chandler: Yeah!

Mr. Franklin: Oh then you know each other.

Chandler: We’re on a semi-first name basis.

Mr. Franklin: What do you think of adding him to our team?

Chandler: Bob? Ooh, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don’t know if he has what it takes.

Mr. Franklin: Really? They love him down on six.

Chandler: But this is eleven. It’s almost twice as hard up here.

Mr. Franklin: Okay, I hear you loud and clear. Bob will stay put.

Chandler: I think it’s best sir.

Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. I’ve got a stack of documents on my desk this high. (Holds his hand at shoulder level.)

Chandler: Y’know what you should do, just toss ‘em in the shedder and claim you never got ‘em.

Mr. Franklin: (laughs) That’s a good one. (Walks away.)

Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is in the kitchen as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey. Okay, I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go!

Phoebe: But…

Monica: No! No-no! He is totally incompetent. I called the chef who recommended him to me. He said, "Ha-ha! Gotcha!"

Phoebe: Okay. Okay, but you can’t fire him today.

Monica: Why not?!

Phoebe: Because I’m dumping him today.

Monica: What?! You said he was sweet!

Phoebe: He is sweet. He’s too sweet. He calls me all the time. (Mimicking him) "So did-did you get home from work okay?" "Did-did you get out of the shower okay?"

Monica: Just don’t pick up your phone.

Phoebe: Then he comes over! (Mimicking him) "I’m so worried about you." Uck! Be a man!

Monica: What? So now I’m not allowed to fire him?

Phoebe: You can’t fire him and dump him the same day, he’ll kill himself.

Monica: Okay well then, I’ll fire him today and you go out with him for another week.

Phoebe: Are you kidding?! Another week with that sip, I’ll kill myself!

Monica: Okay well, then we’ll both do it today and he’ll just have to deal with it!

Phoebe: Okay. But the question is who’s gonna go first. ‘Cause whoever goes second is the bitch.

Monica: What do you mean?

Phoebe: Come on! The boss that fires a guy that’s just been dumped, bitch! And the woman who dumps a guy that’s just been fired, blond bitch!

Monica: I wanted to do this days ago so I think I should go first.

Phoebe: All right, that makes sense. (Starts towards the door.) Ugh. But—Screw you I’m going first! (She grabs her purse and runs out.)

[Scene: Chandler’s Office Building, Bob is standing at the elevators and sees Chandler walk up.]

Bob: Hey Toby, you got a sec?

Chandler: Sure, what’s up?

Bob: I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but I just found out its not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks I’m not eleventh floor material. Say uh, who the hell is this Chandler?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date and Joey is reading a magazine.]

Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight. "Umm, I’m a recovering alcoholic. I’m a Mormon," or "I got so hammered last night I’m still a little drunk?"

Ross: (entering with a pizza and beer) Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: So, what do you want to do tonight? There’s a Ukrainian film at the Angelica that’s supposed to be very powerful. Interested?

Joey: No. No. But I’ll go see a normal person movie with ya.

Ross: Rach? You wanna come?

Rachel: Oh no, I can’t. I got a date.

Ross: A date?

Rachel: Yeah. Why? Is that weird for you?

Ross: Why no, it’s the opposite of weird. It’s-it’s uh, regular. It’s-it’s uh, it’s mundane. It’s actually uh, a little dull.

Joey: It’s no Ukrainian film.

Rachel: Yeah—Ooh! Earrings! (Goes into her room.)

Ross: A date?! She’s-she’s got a date?! With who?

Joey: I set her up with this actor on my show.

Ross: You set her up?!

Joey: No

Ross: Joey what-what were you thinking?!

Joey: Well, I was thinking that it’d probably be okay because Ross hasn’t gone out with Rachel in five years!

Ross: Joey, I’m not worried about her! I’m worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now-now where is this (makes the quote-marks sign) actor taking them?

Joey: Hey! I’m an (does the quote-marks thing as well) actor too! I’m not sure. I think they’re taking the ferry out to some Italian place on Staten Island.

Ross: A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?!

Joey: Are we talking about one of those big boats that carry cars that go like five miles an hour?

Ross: Why don’t they just jump out of an airplane?! Huh?! That-that’s a fun date! Or burn each other with matches?! That’s fun too! Whew!!

(There’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it.)

Kash: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey Kash. Uh hey-hey this is Ross. Ross, this is Kash.

Kash: Hey.

Ross: Hi. I-I hear you’re going on a ferry tonight.

Kash: Yeah.

Ross: A bit of a daredevil are we?

Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey guys do you think this is too slutty—Hi Kash!

Kash: Hey Rachel! You ready to go?

Rachel: Yeah! All right, I’ll see you guys later.

Ross: Okay. Have a great time you guys.

Rachel: Thank you.

Kash: Thank you.

Ross: Yes it is too slutty! (Joey slams the door before Rachel could hear the entire sentence.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading a magazine as Tim enters.]

Tim: (walks behind Phoebe) Hi! (And startles her.)

Phoebe: Hi.

Tim: Oh, I’m so glad you called. I feel like it’s always me calling you. So, what’s up? Is everything okay with Phoebe?

Phoebe: It will be…in a minute. Listen, Tim you’re a really great guy.

Tim: It’s because I’m with you.

Phoebe: Aw. (Phoebe gets a bad taste in her mouth when he looks away) I’m just—I’m in a place in my life right now where I…I…

(Tim’s beeper goes off and he answers it.)

Tim: Whoops. Sorry. (Looking at it, like a newscaster) This just in. (Phoebe fake laughs.) Oh, it’s 9-1-1 from the restaurant, that means Monica needs me right away. (Starts to leave.)

Phoebe: Oh-oh no she doesn’t! I know what that is. You can stay.

Tim: Awww, I’ll miss you too Pheebs. (Starts to leave) And I will be holding you, right here. (Holds his hands over his heart, blows a kiss to Phoebe who catches it, and then leaves and Phoebe throws the kiss back.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are having dinner.]

Joey: So what movie do you want to see—And not another one I have to read. Okay? I get enough of that from books.

Ross: Books?

Joey: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it’s like enough!

Ross: Well, I tell you what. Why don’t we uh, why don’t we just stay here? Let’s not see a movie, we’ll just hang.

Joey: And just wait for Rachel to come back from her date?

Ross: Hey, if that’s what you want to do I’m not gonna say no.

Joey: Dude! What is going on?!

Ross: I just…I have to find out how it went.

Joey: Why?

Ross: This guy could be my baby’s stepfather!

Joey: They go on one date and you’re worried about them getting married?! He’s not you!

Ross: I just—I-I can’t believe she’s-she’s dating?!

Joey: Well Ross, what did you think she was gonna do?

Ross: I don’t know! I guess I just can’t believe any of this is happening.

Joey: What do you mean?

Ross: It’s just I always thought when I had another kid it would be different. Now I-I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and Susan’s, it’s like—It breaks my heart a little. I mean I’ve always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, my kid comes running in and leaps up onto the bed. And we all read the paper together. Y’know? Maybe fight over the science section.

Joey: That’s a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that!

Ross: No! No I can’t. I mean Rachel’s out with some guy. My baby went with her. If anything that picture keeps moving further away.

Joey: Hey, can I ask you something? In this, in this picture of you and your wife, is your wife Rachel?

Ross: It used to be. Now she doesn’t really have a face. Smokin’ body though.

Joey: Good call. Yeah. But, the face Ross, the face isn’t Rachel.

Ross: No but ahh! How much easier would it be if it were?

Joey: I know, but I don’t think that’s what she wants.

Ross: No, it’s not what I want either. I mean I-I can’t force myself to fall in love with her again now.

Joey: That’s okay Ross maybe you need a new picture. Okay? It’s not gonna be what you thought, but no matter what there’s gonna be a brand new little baby, your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Hey, I tell you what. Let’s you and me go out and have some fun. Huh? Whatever you want. Come on!

Ross: (checks his watch) We can still catch that Ukrainian film.

Joey: No, I said fun!

[Scene: Outside Chandler’s Office, Chandler is just about to go into his office when Bob calls for him from behind.]

Bob: Hey Toby!

Chandler: Hey Bobby.

Bob: It’s Bob actually. Hey, you work up here, can you tell me where this Chandler Bing’s office is?

Chandler: Uhh yeah. Yeah, it’s (Points down the hall) right, right down there. (When he has Bob looking down the hall, he turns around and knocks his nameplate off of his door.) Right there, yeah. Can I ask you why?

Bob: I want to talk to that bastard, see what his problem is.

Chandler: Okay Bob listen uhh, I’m the reason you didn’t get the job up here.

Bob: Toby don’t.

Chandler: Bob!

Bob: Toby! I’m not gonna let you cover for him. Anything you say right now will just get me more upset with Chandler!

Chandler: Well that puts me in a difficult position.

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is waiting for Tim who enters.]

Monica: Hey.

Tim: I got your page, is everything okay?

Monica: Uh well that depends, how are things with Phoebe?

Tim: Oh it’s great! It’s great! Thank you so much for introducing us!

Monica: Oh my pleasure. Okay, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe!

Phoebe: Monica!

Monica: (simultaneously) You’re fired!

Phoebe: (simultaneously) I’m breaking up with you!

Tim: What?

Phoebe: I’m, I’m breaking up with you.

Monica: You’re fired.

Tim: Why?

Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m just—I’m…I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.

Monica: Yeah and-and I’m sorry too. But, well I just—I like things done a certain way and the chemistry’s just not right.

Phoebe: Oh that’s good, the chemistry thing for us too.

Tim: Wow! Umm, okay. Umm… (To Phoebe) I-I-I realize I came on a little strong but, it’s only because I think you’re so amazing. (To Monica) And uh, I-I just wanna, I just wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here because I—you’re the most talented chef I’ve ever worked for. Anyway… (Starts to leave and Phoebe and Monica trade looks.)

Monica: Tim wait!

Tim: Yeah?

Monica: Umm, I think I spoke too quickly. There-there’s a learning curve with this job and maybe we can try it again.

Tim: Really?

Monica: Yeah.

Tim: Thank you so much! ‘Cause I-I know I can do better!

Monica: Okay.

(They both look at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: And Tim I just wanna say, good luck here. (Shakes his hand and leaves, which disgusts Monica.)

[Scene: A Street, Ross is walking past a newsstand and sees Rachel.]

Ross: Hello.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Well, how was the date?

Rachel: Well I’m alone and I just bought fifteen dollars worth of candy bars, what do you think?

Ross: Uh-huh. What happened?

Rachel: I made the mistake of telling him that I was pregnant.

Ross: Ah, he didn’t uh, take it so well?

Rachel: Well better than you, but y’know still not what you want.

Ross: Oh?

Rachel: He got all weird and sputtery and then he said uh, "Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch."

Ross: He sounds swell.

Rachel: Doesn’t he?

Ross: Hey, wanna…wanna a little cheering up?

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: Sit down.

Rachel: Okay.

(They sit on some front steps.)

Ross: Guess whose middle name is Muriel.

Rachel: (thinks then gasps) Chandler M. Bing?

Ross: Yeah-ha!

Rachel: Oh my God. (Laughs)

Ross: I’m sorry about your date.

Rachel: Oh it’s all right. I’m guess I’m just done with the whole dating thing. It’s one more thing in my life that’s suddenly completely different. This is hard.

Ross: Yeah I know. (Pause) On the other hand in um, in about seven months you’re gonna have something that you’re gonna love more than any guy you’ve ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait until uh, wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger. You have no idea.

Rachel: Thanks sweetie.

Ross: You wanna, you wanna grab some coffee?

Rachel: Oh no, I think I’m gonna go home and eat ten candy bars.

Ross: Hey, I thought I cheered you up.

Rachel: Oh you did, there are twenty in here.

Ross: Right. Good night.

Rachel: Good night.

(He kisses her on the cheek and heads to Central Perk.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering and Mona from the wedding recognizes him.]

Mona: Ross?

Ross: Yeah?

Mona: Hey it’s Mona! From the wedding.

Ross: Oh hi!

Mona: Hi!

Ross: Wow! Uh…how are you?

Mona: I’m good except umm, you still owe me a dance.

Ross: Oh that’s right. Well uh, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?

Mona: (laughs then stops) Oh you’re serious. Sure!

Ross: Great! Well umm…

(Ross continues to talk to her as the camera pans to show Rachel standing in the doorway.)

Mona: I think I might need one more cup of coffee.

Ross: Sure! Uh, let me get it for ya.

Mona: Okay.

(Rachel watches that and slowly backs out to head for home.)

Dedicated to the Memory of Richard L. Cox, Sr.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler’s Office, Bob is ransacking Chandler’s office.]

Chandler: (entering) Bob. Bob! Bob!!! (He turns around) What the hell are you doing?!

Bob: I just found out this is Chandler’s office! Come on Toby, give me a hand!

(He thinks about it and decides to join in by turning over a chair and continue ransacking the place.)

End

The One With The Halloween Party

Written by: Mark Kunerth

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Chandler and Monica enter. Oh, and Joey is wearing a FDNY T-shirt to make this the first nod to the tragedy that Friends have made.]

Monica: Hey you guys?

Ross: What?

Monica: I know it’s last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party.

Phoebe: Oh good! (And there’s general excitement.)

Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes. (And there’s general disconcertment.) Come on! It’ll be fun!

Ross: Well, I’ll-I’ll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so…

Rachel: Please tell me you’re not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.

Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row.

Joey: Look, I’ll come to the party but I’m not dressing up.

Monica: You have to!

Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be someone you’re not…

Chandler: You’re an actor!

Monica: So Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?

Ross: Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.

Joey: That hot girl from their wedding?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huh—Ooh-ooh, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre—No-no-no! Slutty Leatherface.

Phoebe: Now wasn’t Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?

Ross: That’s right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess the better man won. (To Joey) Please don’t take her from me.

Opening Credits

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.]

Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, it’s me! Phoebe!

Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)

Phoebe: Wait a second! So, what’s new with you?

Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, I’m getting married next week.

Phoebe: What?!

Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, it’s gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.

Phoebe: Huh. Okay. Well, I’m really happy for you. (Starts to walk away.)

Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess that’d be okay.

Phoebe: Really?

Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.

Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Umm, y’know, my friends are having a Halloween party tonight at my old apartment so, you could come. Maybe I could meet the guy you’re marrying.

Ursula: Huh. Well, I’m supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. I’m supposed to be working right now, so who cares.

Phoebe: By the way, it’s a costume party.

Ursula: Oh! Okay, so that’s why you’re… (Motions to what she’s wearing.)

Phoebe: (looks down) No. But thanks. (Walks away.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, The Halloween party has started. Monica is setting out some food as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: Wait! You’re supposed to wear a costume!

Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she won’t be able to fit into it.

Monica: Oh.

Rachel: Ahh!

Monica: I’m Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you’re too big for it.

Rachel: Okay.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Kids: Trick or treat!

Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids right now. Y’know, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal instincts.

Kids: Trick or treat!!

Rachel: (to them) Just a minute!!! (She takes the candy and opens the door to two parents, a witch, a clown, and a cowgirl.) Look at you guys! Wow! You are a very scary witch. (Gives her candy.)

Witch: Thank you.

Rachel: And you are a very funny clown. (Gives him candy.)

Clown: Thank you.

Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style right now. Y’know, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I don’t suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but…

Cowgirl: (interrupting) Can I just have the candy?

Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Throws some in her bag and she walks away as Phoebe, dressed as Supergirl walks up and eyes Monica who eyes her back.)

Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.

Monica: So we do Supergirl.

Phoebe: No, it’s me. Phoebe!

Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume…

Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?

Monica: What?! I thought he’d love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!

Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!

Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.

Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Monica: You didn’t dress up either?!

Joey: Yes I did! I’m Chandler. (Looks at Chandler) Dude, what happened?

Chandler: How is that me?

Joey: Okay. I’m Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls laugh.)

Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you!

Chandler: When have I ever done that?!

Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does the sound again.)

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Girl: Trick or treat!

Rachel: Oh! (Opens the door to reveal a ballerina) Well you’re just the prettiest ballerina I’ve ever seen.

Ballerina: Thank you. (Pirouettes.)

Rachel: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of candy.

Ballerina: Thank you. (Does another ballerina move.)

Rachel: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces of candy.

Ballerina: I love you! (Hugs Rachel.)

Rachel: Ohh… Oh, honey here. Take it all. (Pours the entire large bowl into her bag and closes the door.) Monica! We need more candy?

Monica: What?! There’s only been like four kids.

Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.

Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant.

Ross: (entering) Hey! (He’s wearing a costume as well.)

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: What are you supposed to be?

Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well, I’m a potato or a…spud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top that he’s wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes… (They’re still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!

Chandler: Wow! I don’t have the worst costume anymore!

Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as doody.

Ross: No, I-I’m not doody.

Monica: No, space doody!

(Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler. Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's fiancée Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)

Eric: Aren’t you gonna give me a kiss?

Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are.

Eric: Ursula?

Phoebe: Ursula’s fiancée?

Eric: Oh my God, you’re the sister!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-law’s ass.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Eric: I’m an idiot. Uh, is your mother here? Maybe I can give her a little slap on the butt.

Phoebe: My mother killed herself.

Eric: She, now I knew that and…now I’m sweating. Look at me, I’m really sweating—Now I’m saying, "Look at me," I’m getting even sweatier. I think I probably should go.

Phoebe: No-no! That’s okay, we’ll just start over. Okay? Hi! I’m Phoebe.

Eric: Eric. (They shake hands and he’s squinting. And, no, it’s not me.)

Phoebe: Why are you looking at me like that?

Eric: ‘Cause the sweat’s getting in my eyes and its burning.

Phoebe: Okay. (Hands him a napkin.) So, what are you?

Eric: I don’t think they have a name for it. It’s just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy.

Phoebe: (laughs) No I-I meant your costume.

Eric: Oh umm, I’m the solar system. (He’s wearing a black sweater with the planets glued on around the sun.) Yeah, my students helped me make it—I teach the second grade.

Phoebe: I love the second grade!

Eric: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah! It’s so much better than first grade when you don’t know what’s going on and definitely better than third grade. Y’know with all the politics and mind games.

Eric: So what do you do?

Phoebe: Umm, I’m a masseuse…by day. (Stands with her hands on her hips like a Supergirl pose.)

Eric: Y’know you don’t have to stand here with me, believe me…

Phoebe: No I’m having fun. I’m really—And I’m really-really excited for you and Ursula.

Eric: Oh I feel very lucky, she’s great. I think she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

Phoebe: Thank you.

[Time lapse, Monica is going over to talk to Joey.]

Monica: Hey Joey?

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: You read comic books right?

Joey: Exclusively.

Monica: Who do you think would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl?

Joey: Catwoman, hands down.

Monica: Yeah…

Joey: But between you and Phoebe, I’d have to give the edge to Phoebe.

Monica: What?! Really?!

Joey: Are you kiddin’? Phoebe lived on the street. Okay? Plus, she’s got this crazy temper. She—She’s not standing right behind me is she?

Monica: No you’re fine. (Joey checks anyway.) All right well, do you think I could take Rachel?

Joey: I’m not sure.

Monica: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me right here! (Her stomach) As hard as you can!

Joey: Will you relax?! What are you taking this so seriously for? It doesn’t matter.

Monica: Oh really? Okay? Well what would you say if I told you that, y’know, Ross or Chandler could beat you up?

Joey: I would say, "Woman, please!"

Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursula’s fiancée is really sweet! He’s a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Y’know normally y’know, I don’t like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!

Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe!

Phoebe: What?

Monica: You’re getting a crush on your sister’s fiancée.

Phoebe: No I’m not! You are!

Joey: (To Monica) Here comes the temper.

(There’s a knock on the door and Rachel opens it to a little girl.)

Girl: Trick or treat!

Rachel: Hi! Y’know what honey, we’re actually out of candy right now. But someone just went out to get some and I have been giving out money but I’m out of that too. Hey, can I write you a check?

Girl: Okay!

Rachel: Okay, what’s your name?

Girl: Lelani Mayolanofavich.

Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna write this out to cash.

Mona: (entering) Hi!

Rachel: Hey Mona!

Chandler: Oh! Hi!

Mona: Hi!

Chandler: Joey’s gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you’d come by as a slutty nurse.

Mona: Umm, actually I’m just a nurse.

Chandler: You’d think that would embarrass me, but you see I’m maxed out.

Ross: Hey!

Mona: Hi!

Ross: You made it!

Mona: Wait-wait! You’re umm, you’re a potato…

Ross: Well, I’m a spud…

Mona: And the antennae…Oh my God you’re Spudnik!

Ross: Yes!

Chandler: (To Ross) Marry her.

[Cut to Joey and Monica.]

Joey: Okay, here’s a good one for ya. Who do think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler.

Monica: I can’t answer that! Chandler’s my husband.

Joey: So Ross?

Monica: Yeah.

[Cut to Phoebe and Eric.]

Eric: Hey beautiful.

Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?

Eric: Two weeks ago.

Phoebe: Two weeks? That’s it?

Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and it’s not like me to do something so impulsive, but she’s just so perfect, and we have so much in common.

Phoebe: Oh really?

Eric: We’re both teachers.

Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)

Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.

Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I don’t know.")

Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met.

Ursula: Yeah. It wasn’t a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?

Eric: Sure.

(They walk away.)

[Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.]

Chandler: Howdy doody.

Ross: That’s funny. Yeah. Y’know you’re the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.

Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. You’re looking a little flushed.

Joey: (To Monica) Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out the answer to our question.

Chandler: What question?

Joey: Monica and I were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?

Chandler: There’s no question.

Joey: So you think Ross too?

(Monica turns around slowly.)

Chandler: (To Monica) You picked Ross?!

Monica: Ross is really strong! Okay, he’s the strongest out of all three of you! (Joey looks at her.) Except for Joey.

Chandler: I cannot believe you didn’t pick me.

Ross: Uh, in her defense, she’s right. I am stronger. I would destroy you.

Chandler: Oh really?! You think you’re stronger? Why don’t you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)

Ross: Oh I’ll prove it! I’ll prove it like a theorem!!

(They start to fight with Ross pulling on Chandler’s ears and Chandler hitting Ross over the head with his carrot.)

Monica: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop! (Breaks it up.) Now listen, no one’s gonna fight in this apartment.

Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into the living room.) People came to see a fight, let’s give ‘em what they came for!

Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle.

Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse.

Chandler: (To Ross) You’re going down.

Ross: Oh yeah? You’re going further down! Downtown!

Joey: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the party continues with Rachel leaning on the counter as Gunther walks in carrying candy.]

Rachel: Oh Gunther! You brought candy! Thank you so much for picking this up! You are so sweet.

Gunther: Really?

Rachel: Honey, someday you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Kid: Trick or treat!

Rachel: Gotta go! (Opens the door to a boy in a cape.) Hi! Wow! There you go! (Hands him some candy.)

Boy in the Cape: My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money.

Rachel: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now we’ve got candy.

Boy in the Cape: I’d rather have the money.

Rachel: Well, that-that’s not your choice. Happy Halloween!

Boy in the Cape: This isn’t fair.

Rachel: Well is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you free stuff?

Boy in the Cape: Shut up!

Rachel: You shut up!

(The gang gets interested now.)

Boy in the Cape: You can’t tell me to shut up!

Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up!

Joey: Rach?

Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I know—I’m good—I got it! (Joey slowly backs away.) (To the boy) Now wait a minute, I’ve got one more thing I have to say to you…oh right! Shut up!

Boy in the Cape: You’re a mean old woman. (Runs away.)

Rachel: No! Wait no! Shut up—I mean don’t cry! Let me get my checkbook! (Grabs her checkbook and runs after him.)

[Cut to Mona and Joey clearing the dining room table for the grudge match between Chandler and Ross.]

Monica: (To Chandler) Look honey, you don’t have to do this, okay? It’s the strength you have inside that means the most to me. You’re loyal, you’re honest, and you have integrity! That’s the kind of strength that I want in the man that I love!

Chandler: That means nothing to me. (To Ross) Come on!

[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandler’s, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]

Phoebe: Hi liar!

Ursula: Hey!

Phoebe: Y’know the only reason he’s marrying you is because he thinks all the things you were saying about yourself were true.

Ursula: Well they could be true.

Phoebe: But they’re not!

Ursula: Yeah, it’s a fine line huh?

Phoebe: Why are you lying to him?

Ursula: I don’t know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.

Eric: (entering) Honey?

Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebe’s face) It’s a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!

Eric: She’s helped so many people to quit smoking.

Ursula: Y’know, we’d really better get going.

Eric: Oh right, you’ve got a church group meeting tonight.

Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)

Eric: (To Phoebe) Well, it was nice meeting you.

Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!

Joey: (entering) Pheebs come on! Bunny vs. Doody! We’re waiting! (They go inside.) (To Chandler and Ross.) Okay. Okay guys, one match, winner take all. (They grasp each other’s hand in preparation for battle.) Oh wait-wait! What does the winner get?

Ross: Pride.

Chandler: And dignity.

Joey: (laughing) Okay, if you say so. All right, ready? Set! Go!

(They start wrestling, only they are unable to move either one’s arm despite a huge strain on their faces and a cheering crowd.)

[Time Lapse: the crowd has left and only Mona, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are still watching to see who will be able to move the other’s arm first. An event that has yet to happen.]

Mona: (To Joey) Wow! They’re both really strong.

Joey: Or equally weak.

Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh God!

Phoebe: Hmm?

Monica: Chandler’s making his sex face.

(Basically Chandler’s face looks like he’s not all there and is staring off into the distance…)

Ross: (To Chandler) So, you gettin’ tired?

Chandler: Nope! I can do this all day.

Ross: Yeah? Me too. (Pause) Gettin’ a little tired though.

Chandler: God, I’m exhausted.

Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Mona’s standing right over there. (Looks behind him.) Oh God, she’s talking to Joey! You gotta let me win!

Chandler: No way! If anything you’ve gotta let me win! My wife thinks I’m a wimp!

Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin’ people up! And I’m dressed as doody.

Chandler: You’re Spudnik.

Ross: Come on, who are we kidding? I’m doody. Please? She’s watchin’.

Chandler: Fine. (He lets Ross win.) Oh no!

Ross: (celebrating) Oh yeah!

Mona: (clapping) Yay! My hero!

Joey: (to her) You’re a weird lady.

Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.

Phoebe: Oh.

Eric: (finds it) What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.

Phoebe: Sure it does. Yeah, yeah.

Eric: Well, I guess I’ll see you at the wedding. (Exits and Phoebe follows him into the hall.)

Phoebe: Umm listen, I don’t think…I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the wedding. So I just want to wish you all the luck in the world.

Eric: I think we’ll be okay. Besides it’s so perfect and (whispering) she’s been saving herself for me.

Phoebe: Okay I can’t let you do this! She’s lying to you.

Eric: What?

Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursula’s purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. Yeah—Not a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, here’s the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, here’s her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?

Eric: She told me she was 25.

Phoebe: Oh, I almost don’t want to show this. (Hands it to him.) Just remember I’m a minute younger.

Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying! She’s not a teacher. There’s not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies.

Phoebe: No. You’re not, you’re not stupid.

Eric: I’m not smart. (Phoebe has no comeback.) I just wanted so much to…be impulsive once. To be romantic.

Phoebe: That’s good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. Just…you did it with the wrong person. (He looks at her.) What?

Eric: It’s just so weird, two people look so much alike, and so different.

Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Let’s go!!

Eric: I’d better go, deal…

Phoebe: Yeah, you should. (They shake hands.)

Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!

(Phoebe hands Eric Ursula’s purse and he walks away.)

[Time Lapse: Rachel is returning from chasing down the boy in the cape.]

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hey! Well, I had to give the kid fifty bucks to stop crying.

Joey: That’s not so bad.

Rachel: No, I also had to go to a couple houses with him as his girlfriend. Oh, I am just awful with children!

Joey: Come on! You’re good with kids. They’re just crazy on Halloween. Y’know, they’re all greedy and hopped up on sugar!

Rachel: Really? You think that’s all it is?

Joey: Absolutely! Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas…and their birthdays. Kinda get a little crazy during the summer too. And anytime they’re hungry or sleepy. Y’know, kids are tough. Good luck with that. (Walks away.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Monica are standing in the kitchen.]

Monica: Look, I wanted to tell I’m-I’m sorry you lost.

Chandler: Listen, I’ve got a secret for ya. I let him win.

Monica: (laughs) Is that a secret or a lie.

Chandler: No, I let him win—Ross!

Ross: Yeah?

Chandler: Would you tell her I let you win please?

Ross: Oh. Yeah. (Sarcastically) Uh Chandler let me win. No, Chandler’s really strong. Oh my arm is so sore. Oh nurse! (Waddles over to Mona.)

Chandler: I am strong! I’ll show you! (He sits down at the table.)

Monica: Chandler please!

Chandler: Oh what’s the matter? Are you scared?

Monica: Let’s go big bunny!

(They assume the starting position.)

Chandler: Okay. 1…2…3—Go! (Once again he’s at a stalemate, but this time he’s in pain.) (Pause) I’m gonna kill myself!

End

The One With The Stain

Written by: R. Lee Fleming, Jr.

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

Dutch Phrases by: Kenny Walgraef

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is sitting in the living room as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

(Monica notices something.)

Monica: Oh my God! You cleaned! (Gasps) Look at these floors! You did the windows! Oh, I have been begging you for months and you did! You cleaned! And nagging works!

Chandler: Y’know uh, I didn’t actually do this.

Monica: Oh no, was I cleaning in my sleep again?

Chandler: No, it wasn’t you.

Monica: Well then who?

Chandler: I got a maid. Yay!

Monica: (shocked) I hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman was here cleaning then…

Chandler: Uh honey, I know you don’t like to relinquish control…

Monica: Oh, relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!

Chandler: Look, she’s really nice. Okay? And she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges.

Monica: Did she really say that?

Chandler: Yes, I distinctly remember ‘cause I thought it was a joke. Now just give her a chance, okay?

Monica: Fine, I can do it. (Gets anxious.) Whew.

Chandler: What’s the matter?

Monica: Well, usually when I’m this anxious, I clean!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as someone’s cell phone starts to ring with one of those fancy ring tones.]

Phoebe: (looking around) Who’s cell phone is that? It’s just so annoying; everywhere you go.

Ross: I think it’s coming from your bag.

Phoebe: (checks) I never get calls!! (Answers the phone) Hello?

Eric: Hi, it’s Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursula’s fiancée.

Phoebe: Oh my God Eric hi! Wait, how’d you get this number?

Eric: Oh, I have a friend who’s a cop and he got it for me.

Phoebe: Wow! What an incredible violation—and wonderful surprise.

Eric: Uh listen, I just—I thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.

Phoebe: Oh you did? (To Rachel) He did it! He did it!

Rachel: Wow! What did he do?

Phoebe: Shhh! I’m talking.

Eric: Anyway, I was wondering if, you were the sort of person who…eats lunch.

Phoebe: Are you asking me out? ‘Cause it would be kinda weird since you just broke up with my sister.

Eric: Yeah uh…okay. I’m-I’m sorry. Bye.

Phoebe: No! Wait! I was just saying that so you’d think I was a good person. Fight for me.

Eric: Uhh, I won’t take no for an answer.

Phoebe: Not great, but we can work on it at lunch. Okay, I can be at your apartment in two hours.

Eric: Great! But wh-wh—How do you know where I live?

Phoebe: I’ve got friends too. Okay, bye.

Eric: Bye.

(She hangs up.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! I’m going out with Eric! Ooh, this day is really gonna be so much better than I thought it was gonna be. Oh Ross, I can’t make lunch. (Exits.)

Ross: So apparently I’m available for lunch.

Rachel: I can’t. I’m busy. I’m apartment hunting.

Ross: You’re moving?

Rachel: Yeah, I can’t live with Joey once the baby comes. I don’t want my child’s first words to be, (in a baby’s voice) "How you doin’?"

Ross: So does-does Joey know you’re moving?

Rachel: Well, I haven’t discussed it with him yet, but I know he’s gonna be relieved. Last week, he brought this girl over and I started talking to her about morning sickness and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book.

Ross: That’s not really porn.

Rachel: Not so much.

Ross: Hey, y’know what and if you’re looking for a place? I just heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died.

Rachel: Oh my God! Was she old? Does she have a view?

Ross: Well I don’t know, but how-how great would that be huh? You living in my building. I could help take care of the baby. I can come over whenever I want. (Rachel looks at him.) With your permission.

Rachel: Yeah that would really be great.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldn’t. I mean if she just died this morning out of respect.

Ross: Yeah. No. No you’re right.

(Pause as they both take another sip of coffee.)

Rachel: Shall we?

Ross: Yeah.

(They both exit.)

[Scene: Ross’s Building, they are approaching the apartment of the woman who died. Ross knocks on the door and a woman answers it.]

Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Yes?

Ross: Hi. I’m Ross Geller. I live in the building.

Rachel: And I’m Rachel, an admirer of the building.

Ross: I-I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: She didn’t pass.

Ross: What?

Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: My mother’s still alive.

Ross: Oh, thank God!

Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It looked like we were gonna lose her this morning, but she’s a tough old bird.

Rachel: Ahh.

Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Are you close with her?

Ross: Of course! Uh yeah, she and I would talk all the time in-in (Rachel pokes her head in and starts to look around) the laundry room. (Pushes Rachel out of the way.)

Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: You speak Dutch? (In Dutch) Zeer vereerd een vriend van mijn moeder te ontmoeten. (Translation: I’m very honored to meet a friend of my mother.)

Ross: Y’know I would it’s just painful.

Rachel: So she’s really not dead.

Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: No, she’s hanging in there.

Rachel: Hmm. Do you think—Could you tell me if she’s hanging in, in a one bedroom or a two?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is observing the new maid, Brenda, clean.]

Brenda: Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible! Where’d you get it?

Monica: Oh well umm, I make it myself! It’s two parts ammonia and one part lemon juice. And now the secret ingredient is…y’know what? We just met.

Brenda: Okay. Uhh, I’m gonna go get the clothes from the laundry room now. And, when I come back I’ll clean behind the refrigerator.

Monica: (To Chandler) I love her.

Brenda: I’ll be back in a minute.

Monica: Okay. (As Brenda exits Monica notices something.)

Chandler: See? I told you.

Monica: She stole my jeans!

Chandler: (pause) What?

Monica: I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them!

Chandler: So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?

Monica: Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime!

Chandler: She must’ve been planning this for years!

Monica: I will prove it to you! Okay? About a week ago I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes back I will find it and show you that stain!

Chandler: Honey, isn’t it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just the one pair?

Monica: I guess.

Chandler: So, shouldn’t we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we go…snooping around her crotch?

Monica: Fine. I’m just glad I didn’t give her my secret ingredient.

Chandler: Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?

Monica: Yeah! (Laughs.)

[Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he’s opening the door to reveal Phoebe.]

Phoebe: Hi!

Eric: Come in, I’m so glad you’re here.

Phoebe: Yeah, me too. Not in the shaky angry way you are though.

Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.

Phoebe: Oh.

Eric: Just seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. I just…I got so angry just looking at her…(Looks at Phoebe)…face.

Phoebe: Yeah. (Covers her face with her hand.) Yeah.

Eric: I’m sorry. I just…when I look at you I see her. When I see her I get a little bit angry.

Phoebe: Maybe this is too weird.

Eric: No wait! There’s only a problem when I look at you. (Sits down on the couch.) Oh I got it! I got it. (Puts his hands to his eyes.)

Phoebe: No don’t tear out your eyes!!

Eric: I was just, I was just gonna take out my lenses.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah try that. (He finishes and looks at her.) So, is that better?

Eric: Not really. You…you’re blurry, but you still look like Ursula. You’re Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe…If I-if I just don’t look at you for a while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It…it works. I’m not, I’m not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!

Phoebe: Look Eric, turn around. (He does so.) Look, I like you, but it shouldn’t be this hard. Y’know? This is our first date y’know? First dates are supposed to be about excitement and electricity and ‘Ooh, he just touched my hand, did he mean to touch my hand?’ and y’know first kisses and…(He kisses her)…second kisses. (Motions for him to kiss her again which he does and they start to make out.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading some book and Gunther serves him a cup of coffee.]

Ross: Thanks for the coffee, or bedankt voor de koffie, Gunter. (He translates that phrase into Dutch.)

Gunther: Jij spreekt Nederlands? Dat is te gek. Heb je familie daar? (Translation: You speak Dutch  That's cool.  Do you have relatives there?)

Ross: Yeah, we’re done.

Gunther: Ezel. (Translation: Donkey)

Ross: Ezel? Ezel? Ezel? (Looks it up in his book.)

Joey: (entering) Hey Ross! Listen, do you want to go see that new Imax movie on tide pools?

Ross: Really?!

Joey: (laughs) No. But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler.

Ross: Sweet!

Joey: All right, well finish your coffee; let’s go.

Ross: Okay I-I just have to stop by my place first.

Joey: To tape the game? You do this every time Ross, you’re not gonna be on TV!

Ross: No-no, I-I have to see if this apartment became available.

Joey: Oh, you’re switching apartments?

Ross: It’s not for me, it’s for Rachel.

Joey: But Rachel has an apartment.

Ross: Yeah, but when the baby comes she’s gonna want to move.

Joey: She is?

Ross: Yeah, you didn’t expect her to live there with a baby did you?

Joey: I guess I didn’t really think about it.

Ross: (finds the word in the book) Ezel! (Reads the translation.) Hey Gunther! You’re an ezel!

Gunther:  Jij hebt seks met ezels. (Translation: You have sex with donkeys.)

Ross: Damnit!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is sweeping and Monica is sitting at the kitchen table.]

Monica: Nice jeans!

Brenda: Oh thanks! I like your top.

Monica: Oh. (Holds on to it.) (To herself) You’re not gettin’ it.

(Brenda bends down to use the dustpan and Monica leans over to look for the stain, but leans so far over she falls out of the chair.)

Brenda: What happened?!

Monica: Oh, I fell asleep.

Brenda: I was thinking about taking my lunch break.

Monica: Oh, will you do the top of the cabinets? That’ll really work up your appetite for lunch.

Brenda: All right.

(Brenda pulls a chair to the counter and uses it to get up on the counter in order to clean the top of the cabinets. Monica sneaks over, bends over, and tries to see the stain. That doesn’t work so she sticks her head between Brenda’s legs. Suddenly Brenda changes her stance and traps Monica’s head between her legs.)

Monica: Hello.

Brenda: What’s going on?!

Monica: I’m sorry. I’ve never had a maid before, is this not okay?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating pizza as Joey returns from the Knicks game.]

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: How was the game?

Joey: Oh, okay. I…I ate way too much.

Rachel: Oh.

Joey: Ooh. (Notices the pizza, grabs a slice, and takes a bite.) So umm, I was talkin’ to Ross and he said you were looking for a new place.

Rachel: Oh yeah! Hopefully across the street if certain Dutch people would just let go.

Joey: I was kinda hoping you’d stay.

Rachel: Oh but Joey, I have to go. There’s no room for a baby here.

Joey: No room? It’s a baby. It’s like this big. (Holds his hands about a foot apart.) Y’know, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. (A desk.) Or-or-or we could put it right here. (The chair.) Aw, it’s cute, right? Or-or we could put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You wouldn’t even notice it. Where’s the baby? (Mumbles that it’s over in the corner.)

Rachel: Honey, it’s not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there’s a screaming baby around.

Joey: I could use a challenge! It’s getting pretty easy.

Rachel: Honey, it’s so sweet that you want me to stay, but I-I can’t do that to you. I mean it would disrupt your entire life.

Joey: I love living with you so much. I just wish things didn’t have to change.

Rachel: I know.

Joey: Y’know I blame Ross for this.

Rachel: I do too a little bit.

Joey: I’m gonna miss you, you’re the hottest roommate I ever had.

[Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he and Phoebe are still making out.]

Phoebe: Ooh, oh no! I have to go! I have a massage appointment.

Eric: Oh no, stay here we’ll keep doing this. I’ll pay you.

Phoebe: No, I got in trouble for that before. I’ll see you later.

Eric: Absolutely. (They kiss and Phoebe heads for the door.) I love the way you kiss.

Phoebe: Really? That’s the thing I’m worse at! You’ll see. (Exits.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is shaking out the rugs on the balcony as Monica pouts in the living room.]

Chandler: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey! Umm, I think Brenda needs a raise.

Chandler: How come?

Monica: Because I put my head between her legs.

Chandler: To see her pants?

Monica: They’re my pants!

Chandler: Are you sure? Did you see the stain?

Monica: No! I was just getting into position and then everything went dark.

Chandler: God! She is not stealing from us! Okay, will you let this go?

Monica: Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra strap on the way.) She’s wearing my bra!

Chandler: Oh dear God!

Monica: My pink flowered bra! I recognize the strap!

Chandler: And yet you don’t recognize that you’re crazy.

Monica: Here’s the plan! Okay? I’m going to leave you get a look at Brenda’s bra!

Chandler: Here’s another plan…No!

Monica: I would do it but she thinks I’m attracted to her!

Chandler: Why?

Monica: Did you not hear where my head was? Come on! Come on we’re a team! We’re in this together!

Chandler: I fear a jury will see it the same way!

Monica: Do this for me! Come on, I catch you looking at woman’s breasts all the time!

Chandler: You see that?

Monica: Do you see this? (Mimics him drooling over a woman’s breasts.)

Chandler: All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if it’s not your bra will you just let the woman clean the apartment?!

Monica: Yes! Absolutely. Okay? Look, you’ll know it’s mine because on the right cup, the lacey part, there’s a very noticeable rip.

Chandler: You need new clothes.

[Scene: Mrs. Verhoeven’s Apartment, Ross is back to inquire about the elder Verhoeven’s health or lack there of.]

Ross: Hi. How is she?

Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It’s not looking good.

Ross: (happily) Oh. (Realizes then sadly) Oh. Well I uh, I brought her some bloemen. (Flowers in Dutch.)

Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: That’s so sweet. (Takes the flowers.) Would you like to come in and say good-bye? I’m sure it would mean a lot to her.

Ross: Oh I don’t know that it would.

Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Well, her memory is pretty much gone.

Ross: All right then. (Follows her in and checks the place out.)

[Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he’s resting on the bed as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Eric: Welcome back!

Phoebe: Hey! (Jumps on the bed with him.) Can we pick up where we left off?

Eric: I don’t know, I’m still pretty tired out from this afternoon.

Phoebe: Why?

Eric: Uh, the sex.

Phoebe: What sex?

Eric: Our sex.

Phoebe: We didn’t have sex.

Eric: Well if I didn’t have sex with you, I had sex with someone that looked an awful lot like…

Phoebe: (simultaneously as Eric) Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Eric: (simultaneously as Phoebe) Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No!

Phoebe: You-you…you had sex with Ursula?!

Eric: Uh, a little bit. She-she-she walked in and I thought she was you and I kissed her and…

Phoebe: You didn’t notice she was wearing different clothes?!

Eric: Well I was just so excited to see you.

Phoebe: Oh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! Y’know what? This is too weird.

Eric: No-no it’s not! I don’t want to lose you! It’s-it’s like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was you—Yeah it is too weird.

Phoebe: So I guess this is it.

Eric: Yeah. (They hug.) Maybe it’s for the best. You smell just like her.

Phoebe: Yeah, so do you.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is wiping the coffee table and Chandler is trying to look at her bra and leans over on the coffee table to get a good look.]

Brenda: (noticing him) What are you doing?

Chandler: I’m leaning. This is where I lean.

Brenda: Okay. (Goes over and fluffs up the pillows on the couch.

Chandler: Brenda a bee!

Brenda: What?

Chandler: Yes! It’s flown into your blouse and you’d better undo your buttons lest it sting you!

Brenda: I think I know what’s going on here.

Chandler: You do?

Brenda: Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it’s wrong. You’re married.

Chandler: I totally understand. (They both laugh.) Can I just see your bra?

[Scene: The Hallway, Monica is sitting on the step as Rachel returns.]

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: (looking at Rachel’s jeans) Where did you get those jeans?!

Rachel: You gave them to me!

Monica: No I didn’t!

Rachel: All right, I took them. But I figured it would be okay because you got a big ink stain on the crotch.

Monica: Oh no! Did you take my bra too?!

Rachel: What bra?

Monica: The pink one with the flowers?!

Rachel: You mean the one that you’re wearing? (Adjusts Monica’s pink bra strap as Monica looks down her shirt.)

Brenda: (entering) I quit! (Storms off.)

Monica: Sounds about right.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel enters and notices that Joey has set up a space for the baby where the couch was, complete with a crib.]

Rachel: What is this?

Joey: Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Okay well, we can put screens here, (In front of the crib.) so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile over the crib. And uh—Oh look! Here’s a baby monitor (Holds it up), which until the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh?

Rachel: You’re so sweet. (Notices something in the crib.) Oh my God! And you gave the baby Hugsy! (A stuffed penguin wearing a ski jacket, goggles, and hat.)

Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…. That-that-that’s really just to show where the baby would go. Y’know why don’t I hold on to him so that there’s no confusion? (Takes him back, sets him on the chair, and apologizes to him.)

Rachel: But Joey the baby is going to be crying, it’s going to be loud.

Joey: I’m loud!

Rachel: It’s gonna be up all night!

Joey: I’m up all night!

Rachel: It’s gonna poop!

Joey: Hello!

Rachel: What about all the women you want to bring home?

Joey: Look, if I’m bringing home a woman who can’t stand being around a baby, then maybe I don’t want to be with that woman! Or maybe we’ll just do it in the bathroom of the club!

Rachel: Joey, are you sure?

Joey: Yeah! All right—Look, I know sometimes it’ll be hard, okay? But, it’ll also be really…really great. Please Rachel! I-I-I really want you to stay.

Rachel: I want me to stay too.

Joey: Ohh!

Rachel: Thank you. (They hug.) Oh Joey and look at this crib! It’s so cute!

Joey: I know! I found it on the street.

Rachel: Are you serious—Really?! It’s in such good condition.

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: Wow! Whoa-whoa what’s under the covers?

Joey: I don’t know.

Rachel: It’s moving.

Joey: Ew.

Rachel: It’s still—(Screams)—It’s got a tail! Get it out of here! Get it out of here!!

Joey: Ooh! Ah! Okay! (Quickly drags the crib outside.)

Dedicated to the Memory of Pearl Harmon

Closing Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are toasting her staying put.]

Ross: Well, the old lady died. And how do I know? Her dying wish was for one last kiss. But I don’t care, (To Rachel) because you got the apartment. Yes!

Rachel: Ewww. Yeah. Umm. I think I’m gonna stay here.

Joey: Isn’t that great?

Ross: (stutters looking for words) Ezels!!

End

The One With The Stripper

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Directed by: David Schwimmer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Chandler are sitting on the couch and chair as Phoebe is getting coffee.]

Rachel: (coming from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs?

Phoebe: Huh?

Rachel: I’m having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come?

Phoebe: Sure. Yeah, he’s kinda sexy.

Rachel: Oh no, no, I’ll be there too.

Phoebe: Okay so, we’ll just come up with some kind of signal if it’s going well you can take off.

Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven’t told him I’m pregnant yet.

Phoebe: Oh. Why not?

Rachel: ‘Cause I know he’s gonna flip out and I hate it when he’s angry.

Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so ‘Papa don’t preach.’

Rachel: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he’d make me eat the entire pack.

Phoebe: Wow! Oh well, I will be there!

Rachel: Thank you.

Phoebe: Gosh. I’m not gonna let that man make you eat your baby. (They both sit down by the rest of the gang and Phoebe recognizes a man by the window.) Oh. Hey! Who is that guy? I think I know him.

Monica: (recognizing him and panicking) No you don’t!

Rachel: (panicking) No you don’t.

Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Monica!! He’s the stripper from your bachelorette party!!

Chandler: Her what?!!

Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party…

Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?!

Phoebe: She untied his G-string with her teeth. (Pause) Somebody stop me!

Chandler: I thought we weren’t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y’know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.

Joey: It’s a grand tradition!

Monica: I’m sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do!

Rachel: Well you could’ve untied it with your hands.

Joey: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, I wasn’t allowed to. All I got was a stupid steak dinner!

Chandler: You went home with the waitress.

Joey: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night.

Chandler: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty!

Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass!

Opening Credits

[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are having dinner with Dr. Green, and everyone is looking at the menu.]

Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?

Phoebe: Oh, I-I don’t eat meat.

Dr. Green: It’s chicken.

Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t eat that either.

Dr. Green: I’ll never understand you lesbians. (To Rachel) So baby, tell me…what is new with you.

Rachel: Well actually umm…

Waiter: (interrupting) Your ’74 Lafite sir.

Dr. Green: ’74?! I ordered the ’75! That’s a magnificent wine! The ’74 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage?! (The waiter’s dumbfounded) Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you’re a waiter?

Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn’t wait on you tonight! (Runs off.)

Dr. Green: Oh come on! Don’t be such a baby! (Goes after him)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) In case you didn’t notice, that is a scary man.

Phoebe: He’s right though, the ’74 is absolute piss.

Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can’t tell him Phoebe. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…

Phoebe: Rachel!

Rachel: No it’s okay, this is what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him.

Phoebe: Why, so he can get mad at the baby?

Rachel: Hey, that is the…baby’s problem. (Dr. Green returns.) Oh, everything okay with the waiter?

Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you.

Rachel: Well… Umm, I got TiVo.

Dr. Green: What’s TiVo?

Phoebe: It’s slang for pregnant.

Rachel: Phoebe!

Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?

Rachel: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah.

Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don’t tell me it’s her! (Points at Phoebe.)

Rachel: No, it’s Ross. It’s Ross. You like Ross. (He just shakes his head.) Oh daddy, I hope you’re okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. You’re gonna—This is your first grandchild! You’re gonna be a poppy!

Dr. Green: That’s true.

Rachel: Yeah.

Dr. Green: (laughs) Poppy. (To Phoebe) Oh, I’m gonna be a poppy. (Stops laughing) So when is the wedding?

Rachel: Who?

Dr. Green: The wedding! There’s going to be a wedding. Young lady, don’t you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!

Rachel: February 2nd!

(Dr. Green exhales in relief.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are reading a magazine and Ross is chatting with Mona.]

Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture today.

Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little.

Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and y’know take it all in.

Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that.

Mona: So, I gotta get going.

Ross: Okay, I-I’ll see you tonight.

Mona: Yeah.

Ross: Okay, bye.

(They kiss and she starts to leave.)

Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing! (She leaves.)

Chandler: My God! You must be good in bed!

Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. How’s it going?

Ross: Ah, it’s good. It’s going good. I mean, we get along great. She’s, she’s so…

Joey: Hot?

Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!

Chandler: She’s okay with Rachel and the baby?

Ross: Well I…I haven’t actually told her yet. I don’t want to scare her off, y’know?

Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you’re going down the same path, but you’re really going down different ones.

Joey: I’m gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.

Monica: (entering) Oh my God! You are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you’re gonna have a bachelor party.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?!

Chandler: Honey! That’s crazy! I don’t want you to get me a stripper…

Joey: Will you let the lady talk?!

Monica: Come on! Come on, it’ll be fun! It’ll make me feel so much better.

Chandler: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it’s a little creepy. Y’know? I’m not a bachelor anymore.

Monica: So don’t think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a…a two month anniversary present.

Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! (Joey nods his agreement.)

Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked!

Chandler: All right fine! But I’m only doing this for you!

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: And Joey.

Monica: Thank you. All right, now who else do you want to invite?

Chandler: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.

Ross: Uh actually, sorry I can’t even make it. I’m seeing Mona again tonight.

Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?

Joey: (on cell phone) I’m sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby…

[Scene: The Restaurant, dinner has ended and Phoebe and Rachel are talking. Dr. Green is not at the table.]

Phoebe: I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I’m really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.

Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didn’t want him to start yelling at me like I was some ’74 Latour.

Phoebe: It’s Lafite. The ’74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.

Rachel: All right here he comes. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna tell him, I’m gonna be strong.

Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine.

Rachel: Yeah?

Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice.

Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! (Hugs him and Phoebe glares at her.) Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down.

Dr. Green: What is it sweetie?

Rachel: There’s not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.

Dr. Green: What?!

Rachel: I’m sorry daddy.

Dr. Green: I don’t believe this!!

Rachel: Oh now daddy, stay calm. Please.

Dr. Green: Stay calm?!! How do you expect me to stay calm?! This is unacceptable Rachel! And I wanna know why?!! Is it because that punk Ross won’t marry you?! That’s it! Is that it?!

Rachel: Yes. Yes, he says I’m damaged goods.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler’s bachelor party has begun, what there is of it, with only Joey (wearing a gold paper top hat) and Chandler (wearing what appears to be a Burger King paper crown) enjoying a nice product placement of Budweisers on ice.]

Joey: So you uh, nervous about getting married?

Chandler: What are you doing?

Joey: Look, look let’s pretend it’s a real bachelor party. Okay? Y’know? Before your wedding. Come on, it’ll be fun.

Chandler: Okay. I can’t believe tomorrow’s the big day.

Joey: How does it feel knowing you’re never gonna be with another woman again huh? Knowing you’re gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death.

Chandler: You’re right, this is more fun.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Joey: That’s her! Okay, come on! (They go over and open the door.)

Stripper: Hi!

Chandler: Hi. (Joey blows on a noisemaker.)

Stripper: So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?

Joey: Uh, that-that’s-that’s me!

Chandler: That’s me.

Joey: Joey Tribbiani, a big fan.

Stripper: So is that a bedroom? (Points to the guestroom.)

Chandler: Yeah, yeah right over there.

Stripper: All right, whenever you’re ready. (She goes into the bedroom.)

Chandler: That was weird.

Joey: Why-why would she go in the bedroom?

Stripper: I’m waiting.

(They both slowly enter the bedroom and quickly walk back out.)

Chandler: So she’s a…

Joey: Yeah, that’s one naked hooker!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross and Mona are sitting on the couch.]

Mona: I love your place! Where is this guy from? (A statue from the top of his apothecary table.)

Ross: Uh that’s an eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta.

Mona: Oh wow! So, you’re more than just dinosaurs.

Ross: So much more.

(They start making out and she kicks the eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta off of his apothecary table from the days of yore and the magical city of White Plains.)

Mona: Oh my God! Oh my God! I’m so sorry!

Ross: Aw forget it, it’s from Pier One. (There’s an angry knock on the door.) Sorry. (Goes and opens the door to an irate Dr. Green.)

Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I’m gonna kill you!!

Ross: Y’know this is actually not a great time for me.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]

Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant!

Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!

Ross: Who did?!

Dr. Green: You did!

Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.

Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That’s what my daughter means to you? Nothing?

Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care—I-I love Rachel.

Mona: What?!

Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean…I mean I’m not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.

Dr. Green: Oh really? That’s how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?

Ross: (to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her!

Mona: Wh…

Ross: (To Mona) But I didn’t want to.

Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?!

Mona: Tramp?!

Ross: I’m sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are discussing what to do about the now naked hooker in the guestroom.]

Chandler: I can’t believe there is a naked hooker in there!

Joey: Wait! Wait! Maybe she’s a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about what she’s supposed to do.

Chandler: Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it. (Walks towards the bedroom.) Ma’am, are you also a stripper?

Hooker: Uh, no. But I could pretend to strip, but that’s gonna cost extra. Okay, here’s the extras, handcuffs, spanking… (Chandler grunts for her not to continue and Joey pulls him back into the kitchen.)

Joey: Maybe Monica’s playing a joke on ya. Y’know? Getting her own husband a hooker, that’s pretty funny.

Chandler: That is funny, maybe for my birthday she’ll murder someone.

Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was conveniently busy.

Hooker: Do you mind if I smoke in here?

Chandler: Oh actually, I’d rather you…Yeah, go ahead. We’re gonna have to burn that room down anyway.

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]

Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?

Ross: I was going to tell you, but…

Dr. Green: But what?! You figured you’d get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!

Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona) Nor are we still together. (The phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only he’s trapped behind the apothecary table by Dr. Green.) Can I just… (Dr. Green glares at him.) Why don’t we just let the machine get that?

Joey: (on machine) Hey Ross. It’s Joey. There’s a hooker over here and we thought maybe you’d know something about it.

Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-I—I need to, I need to lie down.

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant’s Kitchen, she’s cooking as one of her waiters, Stu, comes over to talk to her.]

Stu: So, tonight’s the night of the big bachelor party?

Monica: Yeah! Hey! Thanks for getting me that girl’s number.

Stu: No problem. So who’s the party for?

Monica: My husband.

Stu: You hired your husband a hooker?

Monica: She’s a stripper.

Stu: No, she’s a hooker.

Monica: Is that, is that what they call strippers sometimes?

Stu: When they’re hookers.

Monica: Oh my God Stu! I-I can’t believe you did this! Now are you absolutely sure she’s a hooker?

Stu: Either that or she’s just the best, most expensive date I ever had.

(Monica runs out.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still deciding what to do about the hooker.]

Joey: Maybe she meant to get you a hooker.

Chandler: Why would she do that?

Joey: Maybe she wants you to learn something. Huh? Now is there anything you’re really bad at y’know, sexually?

Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever!

Hooker: What’s taking you boys so long?

Joey: In a minute!

Chandler: (To Joey) In a minute? What’s gonna happen in a minute?!

Joey: All right, all right maybe-maybe you should just ask her to leave.

Chandler: Why me?!

Joey: Hey! It’s your bachelor party.

Chandler: Which is why you should do it.

Joey: I don’t want to. You do it!

Chandler: You do it!

Joey: You do it!

Chandler: All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who has to tell the whore to leave! (Joey smirks.) What?

Joey: I miss this.

Chandler: I don’t think we’ve actually done this before!

Joey: No, I-I miss hanging out with you.

Chandler: Well we…we still hang out.

Joey: Not like we used to. Remember? You and me used to be inseparable. Y’know now it’s like…things are different.

Chandler: Well y’know, things are different. I’m…I’m married now.

Joey: Oh sure—And hey, don’t get me wrong, I am so happy for you guys. I just…I miss…hanging out…just-just us, y’know?

Chandler: Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what; from now on we’ll make time to hang out with each other.

Joey: You got it. Come here. (They hug and are observed by the hooker.)

Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. (Does the close sign.)

Monica: (entering quickly) She’s a hooker! She’s a hooker! She’s a… (Stops as she sees her.) Hi! Uh, we spoke on the phone. (Goes and shakes the hooker’s hand.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are at the counter as Ross enters.]

Ross: So your dad dropped by. He’s a pleasant man!

Rachel: (quietly) Oh no…

Phoebe: I’d better go. (She goes and sits down in the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000, the chair that Sit magazine called chair of the year, and they both look at her.) Just over here: I don’t want to miss the fight.

Rachel: Ross I’m so sorry. Okay. I-I will promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person, or via e-mail.

Ross: I don’t care about your dad! I care about Mona! She was there and now she’s totally freaked out!

Rachel: Oh okay, I’ll fix that to. What’s her e-mail address?

Ross: Rachel!

Rachel: All right, I promise. I’ll fix this. I swear. I’ll-I’ll-I’ll-I’ll talk to her.

Ross: Okay!

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Thank you!

Phoebe: That’s it?! You call that a fight? Come on! "We were on a break!" "No we weren’t!" What happened to you two?!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is opening the door to Mona. Rachel is there as well.]

Ross: Thank you so much for coming back over.

Mona: Oh good, you’re here. Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable.

Rachel: I know Mona, just hear me out. First of all, I’m so sorry about my father yelling at you, but I heard you totally held your own. You’re gonna have to tell me how you did that.

Ross: Focus.

Rachel: Okay. Um…But—Okay, yes Ross and I used to date. And yes we are gonna have a baby. But we are definitely not getting back together.

Mona: How can I be sure on that?

Rachel: Oh we just—we drove each other crazy!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: I mean he was possessive, he was jealous, he could never just let the little things go!

Ross: Trying to date this woman.

Rachel: Right! But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he is. (Rubbing his shoulder.)

Ross: Probably shouldn’t touch me.

Mona: Y’know, I-I-I just…I don’t want to get in the middle of something so complicated.

Rachel: I know, I get it, but Mona, what relationship is not complicated? I mean we all have our baggage! You must too! Why else would you still be single? (Mona looks at her.) I am so gonna leave right now. (Ross opens the door for her and she leaves.)

Ross: Should I leave this open for you too?

Mona: I’m not sure yet. Why didn’t you just tell me about all this?

Ross: Because what’s going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you.

Mona: Yeah? Well you still shoulda told me.

Ross: I know and I was going to, but I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel’s father. Look I…I made a mistake, but it’s only because I really, really like you. Really!

Mona: Okay, I guess you can…close the door now. (He does so and they kiss.)

Rachel: (entering) Forgot my purse! (Sees them kissing.) Oh, you guys made up. (To Mona) He’s a good kisser isn’t he? (Ross goes to close the door on her.) I’m going! (Quickly leaves and Ross locks the door.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the bachelor party has ended and Monica is trying to explain herself to Chandler.]

Monica: I swear I didn’t know she was a hooker! I mean wh—Did you let her smoke in here?

Chandler: Her ass print is still on your grandmother’s quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking?

Monica: Y’know what? I’m gonna make this up to you. I promised you a stripper (turns on the radio), and you’re gonna get a stripper. (She starts to strip.)

Chandler: Monica! Wait!

Monica: What?

Chandler: (puts on his crown) Carry on.

(She does so by taking off her jacket seductively, only she has trouble getting one hand out and slams the jacket on the chair angrily to remove it.)

Monica: Ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight. I think I’ll take them off. (Goes to do so.)

Chandler: Could you not narrate?

Monica: Gotcha sailor. (Kicks one of her shoes off and it lands in the kitchen knocking something down, but she continues to strip.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is being yelled at by her dad over the phone, and he’s been going on for so long Rachel is holding the phone away from her ear and reading a book.]

Dr. Green: (on phone) …just because you’re not in love with the guy you can’t…

Phoebe: (entering, quietly) Wow, you told your dad the truth.

Rachel: About an hour ago.

Phoebe: Wanna go see a movie?

Rachel: Yes! (She gets up and sets the phone on the counter without hanging it up.) Bye daddy. (Phoebe and her leave.)

Dr. Green: (on phone, not hearing her) …there’s gonna be a wedding! (Joey enters from his room and goes to get a beer from the fridge.) That’s unacceptable Rachel! What the hell does love have to do with it anyway?! There are more important things in a marriage other than love! (Joey hears something and looks around for the source.) …constantly thinking about things! You have to think about the consequences of your decision. (Joey finds that the sound is coming from the phone and puts it to his ear.)

Joey: (on phone) Hey! I do too think about the consequences of my decisions! (Listens) What gives you the right to… (Listens) Go to hell! (Hangs up the phone and opens the fridge.) Stupid guy on my phone.

End

The One With The Rumor

Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]

Joey: Hey Rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back.

Rachel: (looking at her fingers) Oh my…God! Let me see that! (Grabs the book from him.)

Joey: (laughing) You fall for it every time!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: I brought you my old maternity clothes! (Sets a bag on the counter.)

Rachel: Oh Pheebs that’s so sweet—(Grabs a pair of pants)—Ooh, those are so cute!

Phoebe: Yeah! And look, (Grabs the pants) see how they expand as the baby grows? (There’s a stretchy part in front.) And then after the baby’s born, they’re great for shoplifting melons.

Monica: (entering) Oh good you’re all here. Thanksgiving tomorrow, four o’clock. (To Rachel) Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from high school?

Rachel: No.

Monica: He was in Ross’s class…marching band…kinda overweight? Well, really overweight. I mean I was his thin friend.

Rachel: Wow! I don’t remember him. Honey, are you sure you’re not talking about your imaginary boyfriend.

Monica: No that was Jarred! Wow! I haven’t thought about him in a long time… (Stares off into the distance lost in thought.) (Pause) Anyway, umm Will’s, Will’s here on business and he didn’t have a place to go so I invited him here.

Rachel: Oh that’s nice.

Monica: Oh, and by the way, he’s lost a bunch of weight. I mean he looks goo-ood! Okay, I mean really, really gorgeous! (Joey clears his throat.) I still love Chandler.

Joey: I just want you to say it once in a while.

Monica: All right okay, just so you know, I’m not gonna make a turkey this year.

Joey: What?!

Monica: Well Phoebe doesn’t eat turkey…

Joey: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Turkey’s are beautiful, intelligent animals!

Joey: No they’re not! They’re ugly and stupid and delicious!

Monica: All right! Okay, it’s just Phoebe. Will’s still on a diet, Chandler doesn’t eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachel’s having her aversion to poultry.

Joey: She is?

Rachel: Remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?

Joey: Yeah. But I thought that was because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table.

Monica: Anyway, it just doesn’t seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. Okay? It’s a lot of work.

Joey: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like-like Fourth of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!

Monica: All right fine! If it means that much to you! But just—there’s gonna be a ton left over.

Joey: No there won’t! I promise I will finish that turkey!

Monica: All right, you’re telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just one sitting?

Joey: That’s right! ‘Cause I’m a Tribbiani! (To Rachel) And this is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don’t read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching football, and it’s actually the right game Green Bay at Detroit (although not this year’s), as Monica is getting everything ready.]

Monica: Hey, isn’t weird to think about how next year at this time they’ll be a little baby at the table? (Chandler turns around in horror.) (Seeing him) Rachel’s! But good to know where you’re at!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Happy Thanksgiving!

Monica: You too!

Phoebe: Anything I can do to help?

Monica: Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but he’s really into the game so I don’t want to bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.)

Phoebe: Sure!

Monica: I’m gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.

Phoebe: Okay. (She starts folding the napkins in half.)

Monica: No! No! No! No sweetie! No! Not like that! We’re not at a barn dance. You’ve gotta—you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas time, remember?

Phoebe: Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me. (Monica exits.) (To Chandler) So how’s the game?

Chandler: I have no idea.

Phoebe: What?

Chandler: Yeah! I’m just pretending to watch the game so I don’t have to help out with stuff.

Phoebe: I don’t believe you! That is…brilliant! And Monica has no idea?

Chandler: Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV.

(Monica enters and Chandler screams stuff at the TV.)

Monica: Is your team winning hon?

Chandler: Yeah! Anderson just scored again! (To Phoebe) There’s no Anderson.

Phoebe: Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon? I don’t think I can help you after all, I didn’t realize this game was on.

Monica: Oh, I didn’t know you liked football.

Phoebe: Well normally I don’t, but y’know…(looks at the TV)…Green Bay is playing.

Monica: You like Green Bay?

Phoebe: Well it’s only like my favorite bay! {Actually, it’s not bad. It just gets a little cold in winter, but in Wisconsin winter only lasts from August to June. J }

(Phoebe joins Chandler on the couch as there is a knock on the door which Monica answers.)

Monica: Hey!

Will: Hey!

(Oh, I should point out that the live studio audience at this point goes absolutely wild. And I had absolutely no idea that this Will character was that popular! Maybe they should make him the seventh friend. Which would work out just fine since he’s already married to one of them. Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I guess he’s some sort of actor.)

Will: Happy Thanksgiving!

Monica: Aww thanks! God Will I’m so glad that you came! You look great! You must’ve lost like…

Will: 150 pounds. Yeah, I’m gonna be in one of those Subway sandwich commercials.

Monica: A pie! (Will brought a pie.)

Will: Oh right. All right, it’s no fat, it’s no sugar, it’s no dairy…it’s no good. Throw it out.

Monica: You wanna meet some people? This is uh; this is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.

Will: Hey.

Chandler: Oh hey. I’d shake your hand but uh; I’m really into the game. Plus, I think it’d be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to each other.

Monica: This is Phoebe.

Phoebe: (nonchalantly glancing) Hey. (Turns back around.) Wow! (Looks up.) Well done.

Monica: (to Will) Wanna give me a hand?

Will: Sure! Monica, I can’t get over how great you look! You look stunning!

Monica: Well you look incredible too! You’re just—you’re so fit!

Chandler: I’m watching the game, but I’m not deaf!

Monica: Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.

Will: Ross is coming. Great! I love Ross!

Monica: Good. And Rachel Green too. (Will stops suddenly.)

Will: Oh.

Monica: Is there a problem?

Will: Nope. Uh, it’s okay. It’s just uh, God I hated her.

Monica: What?

Will: Yeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But hey, it was a long time ago, I’m in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. You got any cakes or cookies or something? (Starts looking.) No Will no!

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y’know, it’s been a while since we’ve screamed something. Maybe we should.

Phoebe: Oh okay.

Chandler: Oh come on!

Phoebe: Noooo!! Damn you ref! You burn in hell!!!

(Joey enters eating potato chips.)

Monica: Hey, what are you doing? You gotta save room, you’ve got almost an entire turkey to eat.

Joey: Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm my stomach first. Eatin’ chips is like stretching.

Monica: All right.

Joey: Don’t worry, Tribbianis never get full.

Will: I actually know what you’re talking about. I’m here to tell you something my friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void.

Joey: (To Monica) Who the hell is this guy?

Monica: Will! From high school.

Joey: Oh hey!

Monica: (to Will) Joey.

Will: Hello.

Ross: (entering) Will!

Will: Ross!

Ross: Hey-hey you came! Man you look incredible! Hot stuff! (They hug and Ross realizes what he said.) Hot stuff?

Will: It’s good to see you man.

Ross: Yeah, you too. Man, so-so what are you up to?

Will: I’m a commodities broker.

Ross: Really? Yeah that-that sounds interesting.

Will: Yeah, it’s not. But I’m rich and thin.

Ross: Oh! Man I don’t think I’ve seen you since uh, Lance Davis’ graduation party.

Will: That was such a fun night!

Ross: Yeah. It would’ve been good if we had gotten in, but still real fun.

Will: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah.

Will: God we were lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?

Ross: (laughs) Yeah.

Will: So what do you, what do you do now?

Ross: So how long are you in town?

Rachel: (entering, carrying a baking dish) Hi!

Monica: Hey sweetie. Oh good. (Takes the baking dish from her.)

Will: (glaring at Rachel) Rachel Green.

Ross: Aw—oh, that’s right. Are-are you gonna be okay?

Will: Oh, I’ll-I’ll be fine. Just God I hate her Ross! I hate her!

Ross: Will, high school was-was a long time ago.

Will: Look at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross: Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.

Rachel: (sees Will) Oh my God Monica, who is that?

Monica: That’s Will from high school!

Rachel: Oh! I do not remember him! Wow! He's really got that sexy, smoldering thing going on. (We see Will angrily staring at Rachel.) Oh my God, he’s… Look at the way he’s just staring at me. I think he’s trying to mouth something to me, but I can’t make it out. (Will mouths, "I hate you.")

Monica: Okay, dinner’s ready!

Chandler: Good game!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Chandler: Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort.

Monica: Oh, so who won?

Phoebe: (simultaneously) Green Bay.

Chandler: (simultaneously) Detroit.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Well the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay…Mermen.

(They sit down at the table and Will goes to talk to Rachel.)

Rachel: Hi! Will, right?

Will: Right.

Rachel: Hi! I’m Rachel Green.

Will: Oh I-I remember you.

Rachel: Really?! Aren’t you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am, I am having the hardest time placing you. Oh-oh hang on! Did we umm, did we fool around at Lance Davis’ graduation party?

Will: You are unbelievable.

Rachel: Thank you!

Monica: (breaking it up) Uh Rachel? Rachel, why don’t you sit here? (Next to Joey) And Will you sit way over there. (The other side of the table.)

(Monica sets something on the table and removes the cover. It kinda looks like turkey.)

Joey: That’s it?! Even if nobody helps me I can eat that no problem. At least give me a challenge!

Monica: (laughs) This is Chandler’s chicken. This is the turkey. (Sets down a huge turkey.)

Joey: (quietly) Oh. How-how big is that?

Monica: About nineteen pounds.

Joey: (To Rachel) It’s like me when I was born.

Rachel: All right, who would uh, like some yams? Will?

Will: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t ya?

Rachel: What? (Joey starts offering Ross some turkey.) Oh y’know what? Can we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table? The smell is just yuck!

Will: (sneeze talks) Typical.

Rachel: I’m sorry. What?

Will: I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel land. (Does a fake hair flip.)

Joey: (To Monica) Seriously, who is this guy?

Rachel: Umm, I’m sorry. Do you-do you have a problem with me?

Will: I don’t know? Do I? Do I?

Phoebe: I think you do.

Monica: (To Rachel) Apparently you were umm, a little mean to him in high school.

Will: A little mean? You made my life miserable!

Rachel: I’m-I’m—I had no idea. I’m sorry. I…

Will: Well you should be. Screw it! Bring on the yams!

Monica: Oh Will. But you-you’ve worked so hard…

Will: Yams!!!!

Monica: Okay. (Chandler grabs the dish from Monica and hands it to Will who starts dishing out a large helping.)

Rachel: Uh Will umm, I just want to say that I’m real sorry for whatever I-I did to you in high school…

Will: Oh, it wasn’t just me. We had a club!

Rachel: You had a club?!

Will: That’s right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club!

Rachel: Whoa! My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who else was in this club?

Will: Me and Ross. (Points at Ross.)

Ross: No need to point, she knows who Ross is.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.]

Rachel: (To Ross) So you were in an I Hate Rachel club?

Will: Yes he was. (Holds up his hand for a high-five.)

Ross: No. No.

Rachel: So who else was in this club?

Ross: Uh actually, there-there was also that exchange student from Thailand but I-I don’t think he-he knew what it was.

Rachel: So Ross, we went out for two years, and you never told me you were in an I Hate Rachel club.

Will: You went out with her?! We had a pact!

Ross: That was in high school! It’s not like it was binding forever.

Will: Then why did it have the word eternity in it?

Rachel: Okay Monica, did you know about this?!

Monica: I swear I didn’t. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?

Ross and Will: Yeah.

Monica: Hmm, a little relieved, I gotta say.

Ross: Look Rach I-I’m sorry, okay? I…I was a stupid kid, okay? The only reason I joined…

Will: Co-founded!

Ross: …co-founded. Co-founded the club was because I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn’t handle it very well. But if you think about it the I Hate Rachel Club was really the I Love Rachel Club.

Will: Uh, except that it was really the I Hate Rachel Club.

Rachel: Okay. So what? You guys would just like get together and like just say mean things about me?

Will: Well, we did a little more than that.

Ross: No-no! No-no. No-no.

Phoebe: What?! What else did you do?

Will: We started a rumor.

Rachel: What rumor?

Phoebe: Oh, come on Will! Just take off your shirt and tell us!

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: It was no big deal. We-we…said that the rumor was…that umm…you had both…male and female reproductive parts.

Rachel: What?!

Will: That’s right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.

Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God!

Monica: You started that?!

Rachel: What?! You heard that?! (Goes and stands behind Joey.)

Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!

Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!

Rachel: Oh no!!!! Oh my God!! This is all making so much sense to me now! This is why Adam Carter wouldn’t go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region! (Motions to her breasts.) (Joey has turned around.)

Ross: Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that one’s not really our fault.

Rachel: Monica, how come you never told me this?!

Monica: I thought it might be true. And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it to me.

(Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since Rachel’s standing and he’s sitting down and he’s not looking at her face… You get the picture.)

Rachel: Joey stop staring! There’s nothing there! It’s not true!

Joey: I’m afraid I’m gonna need proof.

Rachel: Oh! (Hits him and storms out.)

[Time Lapse, dinner has ended for everyone except Joey who looks like to have finished the turkey, until he turns the plate around and reveals he only ate one side.]

Joey: You are my Everest.

Monica: Joey, you don’t have to finish that.

Joey: Oh yes I do. Otherwise what’s next? Today I’m just a guy who can’t finish a turkey, but tomorrow I’m the guy who eats half a Powerbar, wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No, I just…I just—I gotta change my pants. (Gets up and heads for the door.) Jeans have no give. (Exits.)

Rachel: (entering carrying a book) Okay! Okay! Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, you’re such a good person." Not girl! Person!

Ross: Rach, I think you’re reading a little too much into it.

Rachel: (reading what he wrote again) "Dear Rach, you’re a great person. Sorry about your tiney-wienie." (Will laughs.)

Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn’t true?!

Rachel: Yes!

Will: Could you also tell them I’m skinny now?

Monica: Oh! Me too!

Ross: Well look-look I’m not calling anybody! Okay? It was like a million years ago!

Rachel: I don’t care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half and half! Y’know what? I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in high school.

Monica: That’s not totally true.

Rachel: What?

Ross: What?

Monica: Well you-you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.

Ross: (shocked) (To Rachel) How did you know that?!!!!

Monica: It’s true?!!

Ross: No.

Rachel: Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog!

(Ross is at a loss for words.)

Will: Mrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went back to Thailand.

Chandler: I’m sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?

Ross: Hey! She didn’t look 50!

Chandler: Did she look 16?

Rachel: Ohh, there’s a picture of her in the yearbook actually.

Phoebe: Oh! (They all look.) Wow!

Ross: She didn’t photograph well!

Chandler: Well, she probably wasn’t familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!

Phoebe: So how did this happen? Did she, did she lure you to an early bird dinner?

Ross: I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her word jumble. And one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender. May she rest in peace…

Monica: Didn’t she walk with a cane?

Ross: Only when it was damp!! (To Rachel) I can’t believe you-you told people about this?! Everybody knew?! Y’know what? (To Will) I’m back in the club!

Will: Yeah! (They high-five.)

Phoebe: I wanna join!

Rachel: Wh—Phoebe!!

Phoebe: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I never got to be in a club. I-I didn’t go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.

Rachel: All right, y’know—Fine! You guys have your stupid little club, but I would just like to say is what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you! You gave me a tiney-wienie! (Will laughs.)

Monica: All right, listen you’re just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school and everyone wanted to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll!

Rachel: Wow…

Monica: And Ross, if it weren’t for Rachel’s rumor I mean no one in high school would even know who you were. She put you on the map!

Ross: As a romancer of the elderly.

Monica: Hey! Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be pretty.

Ross: The eyes…did still sparkle.

Monica: Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You-you’ve been through so much since then. And right now you’ve got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can’t you just let this go?

Rachel: She’s right.

Ross: Yeah. I mean we are having a baby together.

Will: Hold on! You got her pregnant?

Ross: Yeah.

Will: Are ya getting married?

Ross: Nope.

Will: So you knocked her up but you’re not gonna marry her. Dude! (Wants another high-five and Ross ignores him.) Anybody?

Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over and hugs him.) It’s exactly how I’d imagined it would be.

Joey: (entering, wearing the maternity pants from earlier) All right where’s that turkey!

Phoebe: Joey! Those are my maternity pants!

Joey: Not now! These are my Thanksgiving pants!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Will has left and the rest of the gang is watching Joey finish the turkey.]

Joey: Well that’s it. I’m done. Whew! (Wipes his forehead.) There come the meat sweats. (Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.)

Monica: Well Joey, we’re all…we’re all very proud of you.

Chandler: Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.

Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you?

Joey: No just, nobody press on my stomach.

Rachel: You can keep those pants by the way.

(Joey notices Monica has gotten a pie.)

Joey: Whoa—hey—wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?

Monica: Yeah, you want some?

Joey: Ah, just cut me a little sliver. (Monica prepares to cut a little sliver.) A little bigger. (Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.) Little bigger. (Monica moves the knife again.) What?! Are you afraid you’re gonna run out?! Cut me a real piece!

End

The One With Monica’s Boots

Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Story by: Robert Carlock

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying on a pair of new boots as Chandler enters.]

Monica: Hey! So what do you think?

Chandler: New haircut? (Monica nods ‘No.’) Necklace? (No) Dress? (No) Boots? (Monica nods ‘Yes.’) Boots!

Monica: Yes! Now, they’re a little more than I normally spend on boots…or rent (Shows him the receipt.)

Chandler: Oh my God!

Monica: I know.

Chandler: I’m gonna miss being able to afford food.

Monica: I’m sorry, they just, they just look so good! And the saleswoman was looking at me like, "Oh, these are way too expensive for you."

Chandler: She had a point. (Shows her the receipt.)

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Oh my God! (Notices the boots) Oh Monica! Those boots are amazing!

Monica: They’re mine!

Chandler: Yeah well, too bad we’re gonna have to return them.

Rachel: Return them?! Shh! They’re gonna hear you!

Monica: Honey, I’m not returning them. Okay? I mean I-I know they cost a lot, but I’m going to wear them all the time. You’ll see. Besides, I love the compliments. I mean, have you ever had something so beautiful everyone wanted it?

Chandler: I have you.

Monica: Nice try; I’m keeping the boots.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is talking to Rachel’s, who is now showing, stomach.]

Ross: That’s right, I love you! And-and I’m gonna play with you all the time.

Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?

Rachel: (pause) He’s talking to the baby.

Phoebe: Ohh! Okay! Okay, cause when-when he said, "I can’t wait to hear your first words," I thought, "There’s a trick."

Rachel: Okay. Well, I gotta go you guys. I’ll see you later.

Phoebe: Okay.

Ross: Bye.

Rachel: Bye. (She gets up to leave but is stopped by Joey)

Joey: Oh hey Rach, listen—Hi!

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Umm, can you do me a favor? I was talkin’ to my sister and she knows you work at Ralph Lauren…

Rachel: No, forget it! No way! I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison. It is a waste.

Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. My youngest sister, Dina, she’s really interested in fashion, and she wants to talk to someone successful, y’know, to give her some advice.

Rachel: I guess I can talk to one of my supervisors…

Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you!

Rachel: Really?! Oh my God! I’m successful!

Joey: Okay, so will you meet with her?

Rachel: Yes! I’d love to! Have her come by the office.

Joey: Great! Thanks! You’re gonna love her so much. And—Oh, she’s the smartest of all the Tribbiani children. Hey, y’know the S.A.T’s?

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: She took ‘em!

(Joey goes to get coffee and Rachel exits as the camera pans to Phoebe and Ross on the couch.)

Phoebe: Hey Ross! Doesn’t Ben go to the Smithfield Day School?

Ross: Yeah. Why?

Phoebe: Sting has a son that goes there too!

Ross: Yeah I know; he’s in Ben’s class.

Phoebe: You knew this and you never said anything?! With all the stupid dinosaur stuff you tell us?!

Ross: Fine! No more dinosaur stuff! Can I talk about fossils? (Joey is about to sit down and hears this so instead he groans and exits.)

Phoebe: Sting’s son, seven years old and there’s a picture.

Ross: What are you reading? The Kidnappers Guide to Manhattan Private Schools?

Phoebe: No, it’s New York magazine. It’s an article about the best schools in the city. So how well do you know Sting?

Ross: Uh, I actually haven’t even met him.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that’s too bad. I really want to go to his concert Friday night, but it’s totally sold out. I know! Why don’t you meet him and get tickets?! If you get two I’ll take you.

Ross: Well actually, I’m picking Ben up tomorrow, maybe he’ll be there.

Phoebe: There you go! Oh, you are so lucky! You might actually get to meet Sting tomorrow! That’s why you have kids!

[Scene: Central Perk, the next day Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey-hey.

Rachel: Hi Monica!

Monica: Hey. (Sits down on the arm of the couch.)

Rachel: Hi boots.

Monica: See Chandler? I’m getting a lot of use out of them already! They’re very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants…

Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them. (Goes and gets some coffee at the counter.)

Phoebe: Wow! They’re beautiful!

Rachel: Ahh…

Monica: (almost crying) They hurt so much!

Phoebe: What?!

Monica: The guy who made these hates feet and wants to see them die!

Rachel: Well-well you can give them to me! I haven’t felt my feet in years!

Monica: I can’t! I spent so much money on them and I told Chandler that I’d wear them all the time, I just can’t give them away!

Phoebe: Well then get your money back and return them!

Monica: I can’t do that either! The soles’ are already a little scuffed up and the insides are filled with my blood.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: (returning to his seat) Hey!

Ross: Hey I uh just picked up Ben from school…

Chandler: (spinning around looking for him) I don’t think you did a very thorough job!

Ross: I dropped him off at Carol’s. (To Phoebe) Anyway, it turns out that I’m not going to be able to get those tickets though.

Phoebe: Oh no! Why not?

Ross: Well it turns out that Ben and Sting’s son do not get along.

Phoebe: How come?!

Ross: Apparently, Sting’s son made fun of the fact that Ben’s moms are lesbinims.

Phoebe: Wait! But Ross if they don’t get along then you should smooth things over. Make them be friends.

Ross: Phoebe, you can’t force kids to be friends.

Phoebe: Sure you can! Give them some blocks, put them in a playpen!

Ross: Playpen?! Ben’s seven!

Phoebe: Your kid is seven?! (Ross nods, "Yes.") (To the rest) He’s really small. (To Ross) Please! Please get the tickets!

Ross: Look I’m sorry Pheebs, I can’t do it.

Phoebe: Yes you can! Sting says so himself!

Ross: What?

Phoebe: (singing) Rosssss can!

Ross: Look Phoebe, I’m sorry it’s just…

Phoebe: (singing) Rossss can!

Ross: Phoebe, I…

Phoebe: (singing) Rosss can! Give me the tickets! Ross can give me the tickets!!

(Ross runs out to get the tickets.)

[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey has brought Dina to meet with Rachel.]

Joey: (entering, with Dina) Here she is! Future fashion superstar!

Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m hardly a…

Joey: My little sister Dina!

Rachel: Right! Hi Dina!

Dina: Hi.

Rachel: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands.)

Dina: Thanks so much for meetin’ with me. Joey’s told me so much about you!

Joey: This is so exciting for her. Well, I’ll let you two fash…ists get down to business. (Exits.)

Rachel: Okay. All right Dina, well let’s talk about the different areas of fashion that you could get involved in. Let’s see, there’s design, but you may need a whole other degree for that. Uh, there’s-there’s sales, which is great because you get to travel…

Dina: I…I don’t care about fashion! I’m pregnant! And I know you are too, so you gotta help me!

Rachel: (stunned) And there’s marketing…

[Scene: The Hallway, Monica is returning, but before she enters the apartment she stops on the step and changes from wearing tennis shoes to the boots and she moans in pain as she puts each boot on.]

Monica: (standing up) Ahhhhhhhh!

Chandler: (opening the door) What’s wrong?

Monica: Oh nothing I’m just—just was yawning. (Mimics the groan from before and stretches.)

Chandler: Oh don’t forget, my office holiday party is tonight. (They go into the apartment.)

Monica: Honey, we don’t really have to go to this thing tonight do we?

Chandler: Now sweetie, I know you don’t like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a…supple leather lining.

Monica: I-I don’t-I don’t think that I’m gonna wear the boots tonight.

Chandler: Why not?

Monica: Well y’know, I’m just-I’m just worried that bosses will see them and think they pay you too much money. Or! Or your assistant will see them and-and want a raise!

Chandler: Do you think I work at some kind of boot pricing company?

Monica: Anyway, I picked up this outfit that I want to wear and the, and the boots don’t really go with it.

Chandler: You said that you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and pants!

Monica: Fine! If you want me to wear the boots, I’ll wear the boots. In fact, I’ll go into my room right now and y’know try the outfit on.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Okay? (She starts to walk which causes her to start crying) Ooo wee! Christmas party in my boots! (Runs into the bedroom and mixes saying ‘ow’ with laughing.)

[Scene: The Hallway, Rachel is about to enter her apartment with Dina to tell Joey the news.]

Dina: I-I can’t go in there. I can’t tell him!

Rachel: Honey, it’s going to be okay. He’s been incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little upset; that’s what the meatball sub is for. (She gives Dina a sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil.)

Dina: Thank you.

Rachel: Okay.

(They enter.)

Joey: Hey! It’s my fashion girls! (They don’t react.) What’s wrong?

Rachel: Honey, why don’t you sit down? Dina has something that she wants to tell you.

Joey: (concerned) Oh. What’s, what’s going on? Is it mom? Is she sick? Is it dad’s heart? Is that a sandwich?

Dina: Joe, mom and dad are fine…

Joey: Is that a sandwich?!

Rachel: Joey…there’s something that you…should know. Dina?

Dina: I’m pregnant.

Joey: (angrily) What?!

Rachel: (To Dina) Now! Give him the sandwich! Give him the sandwich! (She quickly sets the sandwich in front of him.)

Joey: Well obviously this is a mistake! You can’t be pregnant! Because you have to have sex to get pregnant!

Dina: Joe, I tried to wait until I was 25 like you did!

Rachel: What?! Dina…

Joey: (to Rachel) Bub!!! (Points at her and quiets Rachel.) (To Dina) I can’t believe this! You’re the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who did this to you?!

Dina: Bobby Corso, but he’s a real nice guy. I like him a lot. He’s real funny.

Joey: You got pregnant for funny?! Dina…if he’s funny…laugh! All right, I’ll be back in a little while! You stay here!

Dina: Why? Where are you going?

Joey: I can’t look at you right now! (Exits and slams the door behind him.)

Dina: Wow.

Rachel: I know.

(Joey storms back in and covering his face so he doesn’t see Dina grabs the sandwich and heads back out.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Midfield Day School, it’s after school and Ben is taking a drink of water as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Oh, there you are Ben!

Ben: Aunt Phoebe, what are you doing here?

Phoebe: Well, I heard you’re having a problem with one of the boys in your class. And so I thought I would just come down here and sit you both down, have a little talk and make it all okay. Now umm, the boy’s name is Sting’s son.

Ben: Jack? I hate him! He’s a jerk.

Phoebe: Now Ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers.

Ben: I have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for me over there. (Goes over to Doug.)

Phoebe: Him you’re friends with. (Starts looking at the children trying to find Jack and a teacher notices her.)

The Teacher: Excuse me. Can, can I help you with something?

Phoebe: Yes! Yes you can, I’m looking for Jack’s parents.

The Teacher: Are you with one of the students?

Phoebe: Uh-huh, I’m with Ben.

The Teacher: Are you one of Ben’s mothers?

Phoebe: I am one of Ben’s mothers. I’m a lesbian. It was, it was difficult coming out to my parents.

The Teacher: Well hi, I’m Jenny Boone. I’m the new teacher here.

Phoebe: Oh.

The Teacher: I’ve only met your partner Carol.

Phoebe: Ah! Okay so that would make me Susan.

The Teacher: Right. Are you looking for Jack’s parents to discuss the problems he’s having with Ben? (Phoebe nods ‘Yes.’) Yeah. Because I really do think the parents should sit down and have a conversation.

Phoebe: Yeah! Let’s do that!! That-that sounds good. We should sit down and talk, just me, my lover Carol, and the Stings. Umm, how-how will I get in touch with them?

The Teacher: Oh, their number is on the contact sheet.

Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Umm, could-could I get a copy of that? ‘Cause Carol threw it out, she lost ours. She’s such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of ass.

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Monica are walking down the sidewalk after his office holiday party.]

Chandler: Y’know, that party wasn’t bad.

Monica: Yeah! I didn’t know there would be dancing. That was a fun surprise!

Chandler: I don’t see any uh, cabs. Maybe we should just walk?

Monica: Oh no, we can’t walk!

Chandler: What honey, it’s like fifteen blocks to the subway. Let’s go.

Monica: Hey! Do you think that we can get to the subway right there if we climb down through the manhole cover?

Chandler: What’s going on?

Monica: I can’t walk. Okay? Okay? These boots were a huge mistake!

Chandler: What?

Monica: Okay you were right! All right, I never should have bought them! They’re killing me! One toe at a time!

Chandler: So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right. (Pause) It’s oddly unsettling.

Monica: How are we gonna get home? Maybe a piggy-back ride?

Chandler: Hop on.

Monica: Okay. Wait, just give me a second, I need to just get my boots off first. (She starts taking them off.) Ah…Ooh…Oohh…Ohh…Oh God…Ohh…Oh…Ohh…Ohhhh…

Chandler: Honey, I know you’re in pain right now, but I’m a little turned on.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Dina and Rachel are reading pregnancy books, Dina Pregnancy for Dummies and Rachel something else.]

Dina: Do you ever worry that you’ll be walking and your baby will just like slip out?

Rachel: What college was that Dina?

(Joey enters dragging a guy.)

Dina: Oh my God! Bobby!

Bobby: Hi Dina. Good to see you.

Rachel: Joey, what are you doing?

Joey: Just what needs to be done! Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman…

Rachel: Oh Joey this is crazy!

Joey: Don’t interrupt me when I’m talkin’ to God! Now where were we? Oh right, okay. Do you Dina, take this man…

Dina: No!

Joey: Oh you’ll take ‘em!

Dina: No I won’t!

Joey: Hey! You don’t get a say in this!

Dina: Yes I do!

Joey: Ahhh! I heard "I do", we’re halfway there! Okay! (To Bobby) You!

Rachel: All right Joey! That is enough! (Grabs him and pulls him away from Bobby and Dina) Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, it’s not legal. Okay? They-they don’t have a marriage license, they don’t have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe!

Bobby: Yeah, he took the other one off and hit me with it.

Joey: Well what am I supposed to do?

Rachel: You’re supposed to realize that they are adults! And that they can make their own decisions.

Joey: No they can’t! They were stupid enough to get knocked up!

Rachel: Heyyyyy! Contraceptives are not always effective! (To Bobby and Dina) Right?

Bobby: Yeah…we kinda didn’t use any…

Rachel: Oh, come on kids! A little help here!

[Scene: Sting’s Apartment, Phoebe has come to talk about Jack and is waiting for Sting’s wife, Trudie Styler, to enter.]

Phoebe: Wow! This place is incredible! (Gasps) Sting’s pen…that he gave to Phoebe. (Puts the pen in her purse and goes over to a floor-to-ceiling bookcase) Come on! Secret passageway! (Starts pulling books at random as Trudie enters.)

Trudie Styler: Hi! (By the way, it’s actually her.)

Phoebe: Hi!

Trudie Styler: I’m Trudie.

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Trudie Styler: You must be Ben’s mum.

Phoebe: Why else would I be here?

Trudie Styler: Do sit down.

Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go and sit down.)

Trudie Styler: I gather Jack and Ben haven’t been getting along lately.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Trudie Styler: I’m told there are two sides to this story, but all I’ve heard is that Ben’s a bit of a poo-poo head.

Phoebe: Umm, I’m sorry. Won’t-won’t Jack’s father be joining us?

Trudie Styler: Oh I’m sorry, Jack’s father is not available.

Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Okay. Well then, could we reschedule? For say, Friday night perhaps at 8 o’clock?

Trudie Styler: Oh no, I know that wouldn’t work. My husband’s in concert.

Phoebe: Concert. Yeah. That does put us in…quite a pickle. Because you see I’m very busy before and after the concert, and he’s obviously busy during.

Trudie Styler: So, I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.

Phoebe: Unless! Unless umm, okay I-I would be willing to go to the concert, umm, all the while thinking about the children of course.

Trudie Styler: Are you here for tickets?

Phoebe: Oh, thank you. Four would be great.

Trudie Styler: I’m not giving concert tickets to someone who’d use their son like this!

Phoebe: Oh good! Then you’re in luck! Ben’s not my son!

Trudie Styler: (stands up) Look, I’ve just pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here!

Phoebe: The Police? Here? A reunion?! (She gets out her camera.)

[Scene: The Street, Chandler is carrying Monica past a store window.]

Chandler: Okay, ten blocks down. Five to go.

Monica: (notices something in the window) Oh wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Chandler: Oh I’m sorry! Do you need a break?

Monica: My boots in tan! Hey! Can you get a little closer so I can see the price?

Chandler: I can see it from right here. It’ll cost you one husband.

Monica: Okay, I’m sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now. Just-just give me my boots.

Chandler: (pause) I don’t have your boots.

Monica: Well I don’t have them either. Where are they?

Chandler: Well, why don’t you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!

Monica: Okay. (She gets off him.) God well, we gotta go back and get them!

Chandler: Honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again?

Monica: Okay, I’m never gonna wear them again. I just didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.

Chandler: Y’know what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones.

Monica: Okay. (Climbs back on his back.) All right.

Chandler: Okay. (Moves closer to the window.)

Monica: (to the boots) Bye boots—Wait! Half off?! (Chandler runs off.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are still discussing Bobby and Dina’s situation.]

Rachel: Joey, just because they’re not getting married doesn’t mean this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan!

Joey: Oh? Oh! Okay! Okay! Let’s hear their plan! Now, what’s the future look like for Dina and Bobby?

Bobby: Well…I really have high hopes for my band.

Joey: (to Dina) You were right. He is funny.

Rachel: Hey, now wait a minute! I get when you told people at first that you wanted to be an actor they laughed at you! Now come on Bobby, why don’t you tell us a little bit about your band?

Bobby: Well it’s just me and my pal Rooster, the band’s name is Numb Nuts.

Rachel: (To Dina) Really? (Nods her head at Bobby.)

Joey: Dina, if you’re having a baby you should be married! Even if it is to Bobby! (Bobby gets happy.) Dude, that’s not a compliment!

Dina: No Joey! I knew you wouldn’t be supportive!

Joey: So whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What are you gonna do? You’re gonna have the baby and-and raise it by yourself…without a husband?! You can’t be a single mother alone! You’re gonna ruin your life!

Rachel: Oh excuse me! Am I ruining my life?

Joey: No! No! No! It’s different for you. You’re so strong and together. You’re not some dumb kid who doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Dina: Excuse me?

Joey: One pregnant woman at a time, please! I just want you to be okay.

Rachel: So forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna make that happen?

Joey: Maybe! (To Bobby) Well! Well…so-so uh, what kind of music does Numb Nuts—Oh forget it! I can’t!

Dina: Joey, I am scared to death about this. But I really think I can do it, I’m just gonna need some help. And Bobby’s gonna be here the whole time.

Bobby: You bet I am! (To Joey) And to answer your earlier question, we’re straight-up gangster rap. (Joey shakes his head as if he’s about to lose it.)

Dina: Look, Rachel’s told me how much easier you’ve made all this on her. Why can’t you do that for me?

Joey: Because! ‘Cause… ‘Cause you’re my baby sister!

Dina: And you’re my big brother! I mean, you’re my favorite guy in the whole world. I’m not even scared to tell mom and dad. I was scared of telling you.

Joey: Well I’d be scared of them, but all right.

Dina: Joey, I can’t stand the thought of having this baby with you mad at me. I want him to have his uncle. Is my baby gonna have his Uncle Joey?

Joey: Of course he’s gonna have his Uncle Joey!

Dina: We’re gonna be all right. I mean, even if we’re not married this baby is gonna be so loved. Not just by us.

Joey: That’s right! By his uncle too!

Bobby: And by you.

Rachel: Okay Bobby, why don’t we just come over here and let them have a little moment. (Drags Bobby away from Joey and Dina.)

Joey: Come here! (Hugs Dina and Bobby looks to hug Rachel.)

Rachel: No! Seriously! What’s wrong with you?!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Ross are there.]

Ross: You’re gonna love me so much. I got Sting tickets!! (Holds up two.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! I do love you! How did you do it?!

Ross: Well…let’s just say… (singing) Rosss caaaaan!

Phoebe: Oo, where are the seats?

Ross: Uh, middle balcony.

Phoebe: Okay, now would you say that that’s more than 50 yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: Then that’s not breaking the law! I’m there!

End

The One With Ross’ Big Step Forward

Written by: Robert Carlock

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is looking around the shop as Phoebe returns from getting some more coffee.]

Rachel: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: Look at that guy by the window, wow!

Phoebe: He’s awfully short and I think he’s talking to himself. And to be completely honest, he’s not that good in bed.

Rachel: Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean it’s like every guy I see—I mean look here. (Points behind them) Look at that guy for example, I mean normally that’s not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way I’m feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.

Phoebe: Wait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy.

Rachel: Really?! So this has happened to you?

Phoebe: Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so in, y’know, medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy.

Rachel: Wow! This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa’s lap.

Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Foot Locker.

Rachel: Ah.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Well, y’know what? I go see my doctor tomorrow, I’ll ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something.

Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, that’s what you need a good…pill.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Mona enters.]

Mona: Hey! (To Joey) Hey!

Ross: Hi!

Mona: Hi! Look! I got our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center.

Ross: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?

Joey: Oh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I am just swamped right now. (Brushes something off of his shirt and looks around, but doesn’t move from his chair.)

Ross: Hey where-where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?

Mona: Oh yeah, probably at the end. (Flips to the end.) Oh my God! He only took pictures of my breasts!

Joey: I’m missin’ picture time?! (Jumps over to look, Ross glares at him and he retreats.)

Phoebe: (sitting down next to Ross) Y’know she has a face Ross!

Mona: Okay. Okay, here’s a good one of us.

Ross: Wow! That is a good one! Wow, it looks like a, like a holiday card y’know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow.

Mona: Y’know, every year I say I’m gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it. Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?

Ross: (pause) Together? Like-like to people?

Mona: Yeah, y’know. Happy holidays from Mona and Ross. It’ll be cute, okay?

Ross: Okay. (Not happy about it.)

Mona: Oh, I gotta get to work. So call me later?

Ross: Uh sure, sure.

Mona: Bye guys.

Phoebe: Bye.

(Mona exits.)

Joey: (To Ross) Congratulations! You just got married!

Ross: I know. Can you believe that?

Phoebe: Wait, I’m-I’m sorry. What’s the big deal about a holiday card?

Ross: Married couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who have been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards! What-what is she crazy?!

Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey that’s your wife you’re talking about!

[Scene: Chandler’s Office, his boss Doug is entering, Monica is there as well.]

Doug: Bing! Ho! And the Bing-ette!

Chandler: Honey, you remember my boss Doug right?

Monica: Yes, hi.

Doug: Hi. So good news, the divorce is final. I signed the papers this A.M.

Chandler: I didn’t know you and Carol were getting divorced, I’m sorry.

Doug: Sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations to you guys though!

Monica: No leg-chewing for us sir.

Doug: Oh well, give it time. So the divorce, the marriage, we’ve got a lot to celebrate. How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?

Monica: I can’t think of anything we’re doing. (Quietly) Why can’t I think of anything we’re doing?

Doug: Tomorrow night it is then, I should be out of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park!

Monica: Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow! (Doug exits.) Just so you know, we’re not seeing him tomorrow. (Chandler wonders why.) I-I cannot spend another evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?

Chandler: No.

Monica: That’s because he wasn’t invited because of the way he behaved at our engagement party.

Chandler: Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesn’t it?

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, there’s a knock on the door and he opens it to Mona.]

Mona: Hi!

Ross: Hey!

Mona: Hey, I went by the photo shop, take a look, here is a mockup of our card. What do you think?

Ross: Huh. Wow, this is great.

Mona: Now, do you think it should say, "Love Ross and Mona?"

Ross: Well, we-we haven’t said that to each other yet, but I guess its okay to say it to other people.

Mona: How many did you want? I’m getting a hundred.

Ross: A hundred?! Well, I-I guess I’ll take a—Mona, uh…I-I’m not sure about the whole uh, card thing.

Mona: Really? Why not?

Ross: Sending out a holiday card, together, I mean I just don’t know if we’re really quite there yet.

Mona: Oh y’know, I didn’t think of it that way. You’re right. You’re right. So, can I ask you a question?

Ross: Yeah.

Mona: Where are we?

Ross: Huh.

Mona: Y’know, like where are we? Where is this relationship going?

Ross: Hmm…

Mona: I mean I love spending time with you, y’know I just—I hope we’re moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Don’t you think?

(Pause.)

Ross: Let’s do the card!

Mona: What?

Ross: The card! I think we’re there!

Mona: Okay. I—But I think we should still have this conversation.

Ross: Really?! I mean, even with the card?

[Scene: Rachel’s Doctor’s Office, she is waiting for her doctor as a nurse enters.]

Nurse: Hi!

Rachel: Hi!

Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long can’t be here today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? Y’know who I’m talking about, bald haircut, hairy fingers… (Stops when she realizes it was her.)

Dr. Schiff: (entering) Hi Rachel? I’m Dr. Schiff. (By the way, he’s an attractive man.)

Rachel: Yes, you are.

Dr. Schiff: So, how’s it going?

Rachel: Oh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are you from? What do you do?

Dr. Schiff: I’m a doctor.

Rachel: Right! Right! I-I actually meant in your spare time, do you cook? Do you ski? Or do you just hang out with your wife or girlfriend?

Dr. Schiff: Uh, I don’t have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski.

Rachel: Oh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?!

Dr. Schiff: So, are you experiencing any discomfort?

Rachel: No. I’m very comfortable.

Dr. Schiff: Any painful gas?

Rachel: No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?!

Dr. Schiff: Okay then, would you like to lie down on the table?

Rachel: Well would you like me to lie down on the table?

Dr. Schiff: I’m sorry, is there something going on here?

Rachel: Do you feel it too?

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi.

Phoebe: Oh hey! So, how did your doctor’s appointment go?

Rachel: Well, let’s see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple.

Phoebe: Oh my God.

Monica: Why did you do that?

Phoebe: Okay, remember that little problem I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy?

Monica: Oh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase. Oh man you were so hard up you practically came on to me.

Phoebe: You wish.

Monica: Hey, I could’ve had you if I wanted you.

Phoebe: Oh yeah? Come and get it.

Rachel: Okay, even this is turning me on!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Oh hey! Hey Ross! Hey how’s it, how’s it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together?

Ross: Oh yeah, yeah we’re moving forward. You’ll be getting our card!

Monica: You and Mona are doing a holiday card together?

Ross: Yeah, we’re not just doing a card! Y’know, she-she also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going.

Phoebe: Ugh! Women!

Ross: I know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where is this going?"

Rachel: Uh Ross? You asked me that.

Ross: Hey! You were a closed book! Okay? I’m not a mind reader! Besides, I hate those conversations. I’m horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Y’know, something that says we’re moving forward without having to talk about it.

Monica: Like asking her to move in with you?

Ross: Smaller than that.

Monica: Making her a mixed tape?

Ross: Uh, bigger than that.

Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment.

Ross: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape.

Monica: All right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you.

Ross: Yeah I-I don’t-I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you.

Phoebe: No, we hate that.

Monica: That is a slap in the face.

Ross: Forget it. I-I—Y’know what? I’ll just have the conversation. I’ll just say I like things the way they are, and hope for the best. What do you think Rach?

Rachel: I think, if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater.

[Scene: Chandler’s Office, Doug is entering.]

Doug: Bing! We’re all set for tonight, 8 o’clock.

Chandler: Oh uh, as it turns out, we can’t do it. Monica has to work.

Doug: Oh, my ex-wife didn’t work, unless you call turning into her mother work. Fine. Tomorrow night then.

Chandler: Oh uh well tomorrow’s no good for her either.

Doug: Oh? Why not?

Chandler: It’s the semi-finals…of her…botchy ball tournament.

Doug: What’s going on Bing? Does uh, your wife have a problem with me or something?

Chandler: Well now-now you’re just talking crazy.

Doug: So why can’t the three of us go out together?

Chandler: Because uh…we-we…we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me.

Doug: Good God Bing I…well I can’t say I’m altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me, pure lust.

Chandler: Y’know what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke ya?

Doug: Bing my boy, we’re gonna get you over this. Now here’s the plan, grab your coat, we’re going to a strip club.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Mona some coffee.]

Ross: Here we go. Mona umm, I think it’s time we-we had a conversation about-about where things are with us.

Mona: Yeah, I-I think I suggested that.

Ross: Aw, we-we are so…(Motions that they’re connected.) So umm, well I-I-I like you and I-I love umm, y’know hanging out with you. And I mean-I’m having a lot of fun. (He pauses and thinks there might be more, but decides there isn’t.)

Mona: Okay.

Ross: I mean, there’s no point in spending time with someone if-if it’s just fun. It’s gotta be, it’s gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where is it going? (Pause) Ah! That’s-that’s the real question. And-and the answer is…is it’s going somewhere…fun. Now I-I know what you’re thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago y’know, but you’re-you’re not getting any younger. No I mean—No not you, not you, you—you are getting younger. I mean—you-you look like you’re getting younger by the second—What’s your secret?

Mona: I’m sorry, so umm, so where are we?

Ross: Well, well to sum up, we’re having fun, you look young.

Mona: Okay…

Ross: But that’s not enough. So… So…here’s a key to my apartment. (Hands her his key.)

Mona: Really?!

Ross: Really.

Mona: You don’t think this is too fast.

(Ross groans no.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is telling Rachel and Monica about yet another mistake he’s made with a woman.]

Rachel: You gave her a key to your apartment?!

Ross: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship.

Phoebe: (entering with some guy) Hey. Ooh Ross! How’d the conversation go?

Ross: Oh great, I live on the street.

Phoebe: Where?! (Ross exits.)

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Hi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger.

Roger: Hey everybody.

Monica: Hi Roger.

Phoebe: So umm, I’m gonna get us some drinks. (To Rachel) Would you help me out?

Rachel: Yeah. (They go into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: Umm, he’s here to have sex with you.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: You’re welcome.

Rachel: Phoebe no!

Phoebe: It’s okay, he’s a virgin.

Monica: Rachel umm, I was just talking to this guy and I think he’ll have sex with you.

Phoebe: Yeah, okay let’s leave these two alone.

Rachel: No! I do not care what my hormones are doing, I am not going to just do it with some random guy!

Phoebe: Fine! Then you tell Roger because he was really looking forward to this! (Phoebe exits.)

[Scene: A Strip Club, Doug and Chandler are there.]

Doug: Oh Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls. Huh?

Chandler: Oh that’s all right sir, and that’s just one girl.

Doug: Bing—What’s this?! (Grabs his hand.)

Chandler: It’s a hand. It’s a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder.

Doug: No, it’s a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. We’re gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!

Chandler: Oh no-no-no!

Doug: Oh yeah-yeah-yeah, y’know I did it and I felt a hell of a lot better and if you whip it just right you might hit a seagull in the head.

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, a locksmith has finished changing the locks on Ross’s door.]

Ross: Okay, and oh I’m gonna need a bunch of extra keys. Apparently I give them away for no reason at all.

Mona: (entering) Hey Ross, what’s going on? You changing the lock?

Ross: No. That guy is.

Mona: I don’t understand. You-you give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock.

Locksmith: Good luck buddy. (Exits.)

Mona: Umm, I-I thought we were moving forward and now you’re-you’re sending me all these mixed signals. What are you trying to tell me?

Ross: I’m trying to tell you I made you a mix tape.

Mona: What?

Ross: I love you!

Mona: Ohh! (Hugs him.) And I love spending time with you. (Ross isn’t happy.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is eating dinner as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hi honey I’m home.

Monica: From the tequila factory?

Chandler: It was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars, and then when I wouldn’t give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird!

Monica: Come here. I can breath through my mouth.

Chandler: Y’know what the worse part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. It was like It’s a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.

Monica: I promise. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?

Chandler: Ooh, I don’t know if we’re there yet.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is on the phone.]

Rachel: Yes. Hi, I’d like to order a pizza. Okay, can I ask you a question? Is-is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Ambercrombie & Fitch. (Joey enters.) I’ll call you back.

Joey: Who was that?

Rachel: It’s just the pizza place.

Joey: You hung up on the pizza place? I don’t hang up on your friends.

Rachel: I’m sorry honey, I’m just having a, having a rough day.

Joey: Oh, what’s wrong?

Rachel: Oh you really, you really just don’t want to hear about it.

Joey: Then why did I ask?

Rachel: Okay, it’s just—and this is really embarrassing—but lately with this whole pregnancy thing I’m just finding myself…how do I put this umm, erotically charged.

Joey: Is that college talk for horny?

Rachel: Yeah. So y’know, I have all of these feelings and I don’t know what to do about them, because I can’t date like a normal person, which is fine because I don’t need a relationship, I mean all I really want is one great night. Just sex, y’know? No strings attached, no relationship, just with someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he’s doing. For just one great night, I mean is that really so…hard…to find. (Looks at Joey.) So how was your day?

Joey: Good, I uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon.

Rachel: Well, I gotta get up early and it’s almost seven o’clock.

Joey: Yeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room too.

Rachel: Okay, good night!

Joey: Good night. (They both enter their rooms.)

(Pause.)

Joey: (entering) I can’t do it!

Rachel: (entering) I didn’t ask you to do it!

Joey: You’re Rachel!

Rachel: You’re Joey!

Joey: You’re my friend!

Rachel: Right back at ya!

Joey: But plus, it would be wrong and weird and-and-and bad.

Rachel: And so bad. I don’t even know what you’re talking about because I didn’t ask you to do anything!

Joey: I know!

(Pause.)

Joey: Do you wanna do it?

Rachel: No!

Joey: All right, me neither! I was just testing you!

Rachel: That’s the end of this conversation!

Joey: This conversation never happened!

Rachel: Never happened! Good night!

Joey: Good night!

(They both go into their rooms and after a little while Rachel pokes her head into the living room.)

Joey: Get back in there! (Rachel re-enters her room and closes the door.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hi. Listen, I’m sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasn’t right, and I, and I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought you something that I think you’ll really enjoy. (Goes into the hallway and returns carrying the Evander Holyfield cutout.) Now, this is just a loan. Okay? I’m gonna, I’m gonna want him back. So… (Looks at him longingly) I’m gonna go now. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) I’m sorry, I thought I could do it and I can’t! (She grabs the cutout and exits for good.)

End

The One Where Joey Dates Rachel

Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer

Directed by: David Schwimmer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering carrying groceries and find Phoebe already there standing in front of a huge object that has been gift wrapped.]

Phoebe: Hey! I got you a present!!

Chandler: Oh my goodness! Where did you hide it?

Phoebe: I got it for your wedding and I ordered it weeks ago, and it finally got here!

Chandler: Pheebs you didn’t have to get us anything for our wedding you already sang…

Monica: (interrupting) I love it! It’s huge!! Let’s open it! Open it!! (Monica rips open the paper.)

Phoebe: It’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine!!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: I didn’t know where to put it so I just left it here for now.

Monica: Oh well, maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom.

Chandler: Oh, okay.

Monica: All right. (He goes to push it and it doesn’t move.)

Chandler: I kinda like it here.

Phoebe: Do you really like it?

Monica: Are you kidding?! I practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade! This is like—Oh my, this is like my second favorite game!

Phoebe: Oh really? What was your first?

Monica: Well I-I really don’t remember the name of it.

Chandler: Well what did it do?

Monica: Well, you just—you put a quarter in and y’know pull-pull some handles and win like a candy bar or something.

Chandler: A vending machine?

Monica: Don’t feel bad for me! I won like every time!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey! Oh, I’m so glad you guys are here. I’ve been dying to tell someone what happened in the Paleontology department today.

Joey: (To Rachel) Do you think he saw us or can we still sneak out?

Ross: Professor Neuman, the head of the department, so….

Rachel: They made you head of the department!

Ross: No, I get to teach one of his advanced classes! (Pause) Why didn’t I get head of the department? (Goes and gets some coffee.)

Joey: Oh! Hey Rach, listen umm…

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: I got a big date coming up, do you know a good restaurant?

Rachel: Uh, Paul’s Café. They got great food and it’s really romantic.

Joey: Ooh, great! Thanks!

Rachel: Yeah! Oh, and then afterwards you can take her to the Four Seasons for drinks. Or you go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or dancing—Oh! Take her dancing!

Joey: You sure are naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, I’ll tell ya…

Rachel: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin’ all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. I’m not gonna be able to do that for so long, and it’s so much fun! I mean not that sitting at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun.

Joey: Hey, y’know what?

Rachel: Huh?

Joey: Why don’t I take you out?

Rachel: What?! Joey, you don’t want to go on a date with a pregnant lady.

Joey: Yes I do! And we’re gonna go out, we’re gonna have a good time, and take your mind off of childbirth and c-sections and-and giant baby heads stretching out…

Rachel: (interrupting) Okay! I’ll go with ya! I’ll go! I’ll go with ya.

Joey: I’ll be fun.

Rachel: All right?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is watching Phoebe play Ms. Pac-Man.]

Phoebe: No. No! Yes! Ahh. Oh, would you look at that Monica? I just knocked off all of your top scores, how sad.

Monica: Okay, I’m next. (Phoebe starts another game.) Don’t! Don’t start another game! I said I’m next! Phoebe!

Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you over all the winning.

Monica: Chandler! Phoebe’s hogging the game!

Chandler: Who cares? It’s a stupid game.

Monica: You only think it’s stupid because you suck at it.

Chandler: I don’t suck. It’s sucks. You suck.

Phoebe: Wait okay, if this game is gonna cause problems between the two of you, then maybe I should just keep it.

Monica: No! No-no! I love it! It is a great present! In fact, why don’t you go home and wait for the thank you card?

Chandler: Why do you want to play this game so bad?

Phoebe: Yeah! It’s not like it spits out a Clark bar after every game.

Monica: Okay. Phoebe that’s it. Come on, get out—out of the chair. Get out! (She goes to move Phoebe, but Phoebe goes limp and Monica can’t move her.) Oh come…Phoebe!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date with Joey as there is a knock on the door.]

Rachel: Joey? Could you get that? (There is no answer and she goes and opens the door to Joey.) What are you doing here? I thought you were in your room?

Joey: No, I’m picking you up for our date. These are for you. (Hands her some flowers.)

Rachel: Ohh, Lilies. Joey, they’re my favorite. Thank you.

Joey: And, a brownie! (Hands her a bag with the brownie in it.) Well, half a brownie. Actually, it’s just bag. It’s been a long walk from the flower shop and I was startin’ to feel faint so…

Rachel: Oh man! This is so great! I actually feel like I’m going on a real date! Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and I’m wearing underwear that goes up to about…(She snaps the waistband on her underwear that is just slightly below her breasts)…there.

Joey: Hey come on now, this is a real date. Uh, so…nice place you got here. Foosball, huh? Pizza box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of woman.

Rachel: Yeah, actually that’s my roommate’s.

Joey: I would like to meet him. He sounds like a stand up guy.

Rachel: Ah yes, but he’s very protective of me so you’d better watch yourself.

Joey: Ah… Hey, so this roommate of yours…is he good looking?

Rachel: Hm-mmm.

Joey: Oh yeah, it must be tough to keep your hands of him, huh?

Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, but I’m pretty sure he’s gay.

Joey: No-no-no-no, he’s not! No! Why are you trying to ruin the game? Come on!

[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is teaching a class.]

Ross: …which brings us back, of course, to Greely’s theory of dominance. (The bell rings.) Okay, that-that’s all for today. Oh, uh does anyone know where the Freeman building is?

Student: Yeah, it’s the new building on Avenue A.

Ross: What?! That-that’s all the way cross town, I’m supposed to teach a graduate seminar there in ten minutes.

Student: Ooh, dude. That’s not gonna happen.

(Ross grabs his things and runs to the door only to be blocked by his exiting students.)

Ross: Move it! Move it! Move it!! Hey!!! I’m the teacher!!

[Scene: The Freeman Building, Ross is entering his new class completely out of breath.]

Ross: Hello. (He throws his jacket towards the coat rack and misses.) I’m sorry I’m a little late. Ah—(Checks his watch)—Whoa! A lot late. Let me start by uh, by introducing myself, I am Professor Geller. (The bell rings.) So to sum up, I’m Professor Geller. Good job today.

[Scene: A Restaurant, a waitress is taking Joey and Rachel’s dinner order.]

Rachel: Now the filet mignon, what comes with that?

Waitress: There’s a side of steamed vegetables.

Rachel: Emmm. Now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway I can substitute the three-pound lobster?

Joey: Y’know what? Bring her both, and I’ll have the same. (The waitress leaves.)

Rachel: Wow! This is shaping up to be a pretty good date—Oh, I almost forgot. I didn’t pay you the rent check.

Joey: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. Okay? We’re on a date.

Rachel: Okay. Wow! So I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So do you have any moves?

Joey: No! No. Umm, just myself and if they don’t like me for—(Laughs.) I’m sorry I couldn’t even get through that.

Rachel: I knew it! I knew it. Come on tell me your moves.

Joey: Oh alright. Umm, well, okay, I usually start by having a bottle of wine sent to my table from a fan.

Rachel: Oh my God. And that works?!

Joey: Well it does when you combine it with, "This is so embarrassing, I just want to have a normal life!"

Rachel: Oh, you poor little famous man.

Joey: Oh okay, how about this one. I was gonna wait until the end of the night to kiss you, but you’re so beautiful…I don’t think I can.

Rachel: (looks interested) Oh my God! Wow! That was fantastic, I almost leaned in. I really almost did!

Joey: Alright, so…so tell me one of your moves.

Rachel: Alright. So where’d you grow up?

Joey: That’s your move? Boy Rach, you’re lucky you’re hot.

Rachel: Come on, just answer the question!

Joey: (exasperated) Queens.

Rachel: And so were-were you close to your parents?

Joey: Yeah, with my mom. Yeah, not so much with my dad.

Rachel: Why not?

Joey: I don’t know. I guess there’s just always been this distance y’know—I mean we both try to pretend it’s not there, but it is.

Rachel: (sympathetic) Oh. (Starts rubbing his wrist with her fingers.) It’s gotta be rough.

Joey: Yeah, it is. It’s really tough. Y’know sometimes I think—Wow!! Nice move!

Rachel: Huh?

Joey: "Where’d you grow up," it’s so simple!

Rachel: Thank you! And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the rest room.

Joey: Yeah.

(Rachel gets up and heads for the rest room.)

Rachel: And now you’re watching me walk away.

Joey: Yes I am! Again so simple!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering to find Chandler playing Ms. Pac-Man.]

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: You are not going to believe what I did today!

Monica: Well it clearly wasn’t showering or shaving.

Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule at it! They should change the name of it to Ms. Chandler. (Pause) Although I-I hope they don’t.

Monica: Wait a minute, you stayed home all day and played Ms. Pac-Man while I went off to work like some kind of chump?!

Chandler: Uh-huh, and I got all the top ten scores, I erased Phoebe off the board! High five! (Holds up his hand to give Monica a high five, only he can’t straighten his fingers.)

Monica: What is the matter with your hand?

Chandler: Well I’ve been playing it for like eight hours, it’ll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, they’re dirty words.

Monica: Chandler, why would you do that?

Chandler: Because it’s awesome.

Monica: You think this is clever?

Chandler: Well y’know, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S it is a bit of a challenge.

Monica: Hey wait a minute, this one isn’t dirty.

Chandler: It is when you put it together with that one.

Monica: Ah, well if you don’t clear this off, you won’t be getting one of those from me. But Ben’s coming over here tomorrow to play this game, this can’t be there.

Chandler: Come on, he won’t even know what they mean.

Monica: Chandler! He’s seven; he’s not stupid.

Chandler: Have you talked to him lately?

Monica: All right, look I’m just gonna unplug it.

Chandler: No-no-no, if you unplug it, I’ll have nothing to show for my day! It would be like I was at work. (She unplugs it.) No! (And plugs it back in.) Hey look at that! Look at that, it’s still there! This thing must have some kind of primitive ROM (Read Only Memory, it’s a memory chip.) Chip in it or something!

Monica: Honey you-you got to beat your scores!

Chandler: With the claw?!

Monica: All right fine. Fine, I’ll do it. I’ve just got to get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him pull my finger.

Chandler: (smiles) Pull my finger—(Looks at his hand)—My hand is messed up.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are returning from their date.]

Rachel: I am not gonna answer that!

Joey: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had to, if you had to, who would you punch?

Rachel: No one! They are my friends, I wouldn’t punch any of them.

Joey: Chandler?

Rachel: Yeah, but I don’t know why. Look at me, I’m having such a wonderful time!

Joey: Me too! Hey Rach, can I just say I think this is the best date I ever had!

Rachel: I know!

Joey: I never laughed so hard—Did you see the wine come out of my nose?

Rachel: Joey, I think everyone saw the wine come out of your nose.

Joey: I gotta say, I never knew I could enjoy the non-sex part of the date so much.

Rachel: Well that is because you have never been on a date with me before.

Joey: Huh. Huh.

Rachel: All right, now don’t judge me. I normally wait until my date leaves, but you live here. I’m ripping into this swan.

Joey: Ah! Okay, well then you don’t judge me. I’m gonna suck on the cellophane from the brownie I had before. (They both do as they planned.)

Rachel: So tell me, what are Joey Tribbiani’s end of the night moves?

Joey: Ah, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, first thing I do is make my lips look irresistible.

Rachel: How do you do that?

Joey: Now you can’t tell anyone, but uh…I put on shiny lip balm.

Rachel: Oh my God!

Joey: Yeah, like a moth to a flame, I’m telling ya. Okay all right, so now you go.

Rachel: No, I don’t want to tell you.

Joey: Why not?

Rachel: Because it’s embarrassing.

Joey: More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?! (Rachel just looks at him.) I didn’t say raspberry before did I? All right just-just tell me Rach, just tell me!

Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, stand up. (They do so.) Well, when we’re at the door, I lightly press my lips against his, and then move into his body just for a second, and then I make this sound, "Hmmm." Okay, I know it doesn’t sound like anything, but I swear it works.

Joey: (stunned and turned on) Yeah. Why—Yeah, that would work for ya…

Rachel: All right, I gotta go to bed. Honey, I had such a wonderful time.

Joey: Oh. (She kisses him.) Yeah. (She goes into her room.) Me to. (He then starts to freak out.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Rachel about his class location predicament.]

Rachel: …you were 50 minutes late to the class, what did you crawl there?!

Ross: No, I ran. It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the phrase, "Get the hell out of my way!"

Rachel: Well, why didn’t you just take a cab?

Ross: Ugh, between the traffic that time of day and all the one-way streets it’ll take me twice as long. Besides, I teach the class three times a week, who am I? Rockefeller?

Rachel: Well you’re not gonna be able to keep doing this.

Ross: Well I have to. Okay? If I don’t, they’ll take the class away from me. And…I already put it in my family newsletter.

Rachel: You what?

Ross: You’ve seen it, the Geller Yeller.

Rachel: Right. Wow!

Ross: Besides, I-I think I figured out a much faster route, I’m sure I can make it this time. I just…I just can’t be afraid to get a little bit…hit by cars. (He goes to the bathroom as Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hi! Hey, remember how last night we were talking about that movie Cujo?

Joey: Oh yeah, I still can’t believe you haven’t seen Cujo. What is wrong with you?

Rachel: Relax! It’s not like it’s Citizen Kane!

Joey: Have you ever tried to sit through Citizen Kane?

Rachel: Yeah I know it’s really boring, but it’s like a big deal. Anyway, I was thinking about renting Cujo sometime.

Joey: Oh yeah? All right, let’s do it tonight.

Rachel: Well don’t you have that big date tonight?

Joey: Oh right!

Rachel: Hey Joey, can I ask you something?

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: After our date last night, did you feel a little weird?

Joey: Oh my God! You did too? It totally freaked me out, what was that?!

Rachel: I don’t know! (Pause) I’m-I’m kinda thinking it-it was the lobster…

Joey: Oh yeah-yeah, the lobster.

Rachel: Yeah, I mean I was up sick all night.

Joey: Yeah me too, all night.

Rachel: Really?! How come we didn’t cross paths?

Joey: Yeah well that’s because uh…I stayed in my room. Yeah, you don’t want to look in my hamper.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying to erase Chandler’s dirty words while he looks on.]

Monica: Okay, I got that. I’ll escape over there. I’ll come back over here. All right, come on Ms. Pac-Man. It’s got—Right—(She dies.) Well, you’re just a little bitch, aren’t you?

Phoebe: (entering) Hey, you guys. Listen, I’m sorry that I was hogging the game before—(Sees the top ten list)—Oh my God! Your friends have some unfortunate initials!

Monica: They’re all Chandler.

Phoebe: Chandler sucks! He couldn’t have gotten this good!

Chandler: I did. (Looks at his still deformed hand) But it came at a price.

Monica: But Ben is coming over tonight and he can’t see this.

Chandler: Oh come on, by age seven kids have already seen orgies. (They both look at him.) Was it just me?!

[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross’s new class, he is entering out of breath.]

Ross: Yeah!!!! Yes, I made it! I’m on time! (Grabs a bottle of water from a student, takes a drink, and splashes some on his face like the marathon runners do.) Okay, why don’t we all uh, (Exhales loudly) open our books to page 23. Where… (Exhales again) Where you will see…a uh…a bunch of uh…red spots. Okay, (Closes his book.) umm, why don’t, why don’t you all start to read, while I—(Passes out and collapses.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey is on his hot date and they’re not speaking right now.]

Joey's Date: Hey. Are you all right? You seem a little distracted.

Joey: No-no! I’m fine. It’s just… Hey, can I ask you something? Have you ever looked at someone that you’ve known for a while and then suddenly…suddenly see them a different way?

Joey's Date: You mean like from behind?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that…that’s exactly it. You’re right. Yeah.

Joey's Date: Ew, y’know what? One time I saw this guy from behind and he seemed like a totally normal guy and then he turned around and it was Stephan Baldwin!

Joey: (deadpan) Ooh! Yeah. So yeah, so you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Joey's Date: Totally! Wow! (Pause) Would you excuse me for a sec?

Joey: Oh yeah, sure. (She gets up, walks towards the bathroom, and Joey watches her go.) Ehhh.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, now it’s Phoebe’s turn to erase Chandler from the board.]

Monica: Oh my God Phoebe, you’re on fire!

Phoebe: I know!

Chandler: One more score to go! You can do it! (Touches her shoulder.)

Phoebe: Don’t touch me!!

Monica: Don’t touch her!!

Chandler: All right! Go left! Go left! Go right!! Go right!!

Phoebe: I can’t!! I can’t!! (She dies.) Noooooooo!!!!!!! You son of a bitch!!!!!

(At this point a stream of obscenities burst forth from Phoebe’s mouth just in time for Ben and Ross to enter and hear most of it, and in slow motion Ross tries to shield his innocent son from Phoebe’s vulgarity.)

Ross: Phoebe!!

Phoebe: Oh hi Ben—No!! Don’t look at the machine! (Covers the screen.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is watching Cujo while Joey returns from his date scaring Rachel.]

Rachel: Oh God! Thank God you’re home! I’m watching Cujo.

Joey: (incredulous) Alone?!

Rachel: Yes! But what is wrong with this dog?!

Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where they’re trapped in the car and Cujo’s throwin’ himself at the windshield?

Rachel: No! No! Seriously, what’s wrong with the dog?! Wait a minute, what are you doing home so early? What happened to your date?

Joey: Oh uh, it didn’t work out.

Rachel: Oh. Do you want to watch the rest of the movie with me?

Joey: Oh uh, okay. Yeah.

Rachel: Y’know, I never thought I’d say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. (Joey brings over a stool at sits on it next to Rachel who’s in the big chair.) What are you doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me.

Joey: Oh sure, yeah, why not? (Sits on the arm of the chair.)

Rachel: Okay. (Pushes play.) Okay, that’s him! That’s him! That’s Cujo! That’s Cujo!

Joey: All right, I know! I know. Yeah, it’ll be okay.

Rachel: Oh my God….What’s he gonna do now? I can’t watch! (Drags Joey closer to her and cowers into his chest.) Oh. Seriously, how can you watch this? Aren’t you scared?

Joey: Terrified. (But for a totally different reason.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross’s new class, this time he’s actually about to do a lecture.]

Ross: So is everybody here? I got here a little early myself. Let us begin. Now, the hydrosaurids have been unearthed in two main locations. (He moves to the map and we see why he made it to class on time, he’s wearing in-line skates and hasn’t taken them off.) Here. (Points to the map, somewhere in the Middle East, then spins on the skates and points to the map.) Here. (China.) Now as for the hydrosaurs…

(He tries to move in front of the class, only goes out of control and rolls into the hall, catching himself on the doorway with his pointer. He then pulls himself back into the room with the pointer, only he jams one end of it between the door frame and the door and breaks the pointer in half.)

End

The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath

Written by: Vanessa McCarthy

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

With Help From: Dan Gottleib

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is at the counter eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes.]

Joey: (thinking) All right. It’s a new day. All that stuff about Rachel, you don’t feel that now. It was crazy! You’re fine. You’re better than fine! You are, as your friend Tony would say, Grrrreat! Everything’s normal! She’s just your friend Rachel! Your friend Rachel. Your friend! Rachel.

Rachel: (coming from her room) Hi, sweetie.

Joey: (thinking) Hey, it’s your girlfriend, Rachel!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is sitting on the couch watching TV as Monica comes out of the bathroom.]

Monica: (airily) Hi.

Chandler: Are you, are you high?

Monica: I just had the most amazing bath.

Chandler: Really? I don’t like baths.

Monica: Wait, you like them with me.

Chandler: Honey, it’s not the bath I enjoy, it’s the wet, naked lady.

Monica: Oh, baths are so relaxing!

Chandler: Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth.

Monica: How dirty do you think I am? I’m telling you, if you had some candles and some bubbles and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your stress away.

Chandler: Honey, it’s 2:00 on a Wednesday and I’m watching Road Rules, how stressed do you think I am?

Joey: (entering) Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I-I really need to talk to you.

Chandler: Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?

Joey: Well, neither.

Chandler: Oh my God, what’s up?!

Joey: I don’t know. It’s-it’s just…lately, I’ve been feeling… Okay, here’s what it is… (Pause) You know what? I feel a lot better, thanks! (Starts to leave)

Chandler: Oh no-no, no you don’t, just come back.

Joey: All right. Okay. You and Monica, friends for a long time, and sure there are rules, but then you went to London. Oh, no, but that’s different. I mean, there are rules there, too! You know what I mean?

Chandler: Do you?

Joey: It was different for you guys! I mean, I mean, you were both in the same place, right?

Chandler: In London?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Yes. When Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.

Joey: You know what? This is a bad idea. Forget it. Forget it, and listen, do me a favor, this conversation was between you and me.

Chandler: If that.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross sits down.]

Rachel: Hi! Oh, Ross, don’t forget, we have that doctor’s appointment tomorrow!

Ross: Right.

Phoebe: Hey, are you going to find out the sex of the baby?

Ross: No-no, we talked about it. We don’t want to know. All we care about is that it’s happy and healthy.

Rachel: Yep! Happy and healthy! And cute!

Ross: And smart!

Rachel: Popular.

Ross: With an aptitude for science.

Phoebe: Are you two talking about the same baby? Hey! Have you started off thinking of names yet?

Rachel: Oh yeah! I’ve come up with a bunch of ideas!

Ross: Really? Me too!

Phoebe: Me too!

Rachel: Really?!

Phoebe: Uh huh! If it’s a girl, Phoebe, and if it’s a boy, Phoebo!

Ross: Maybe. But it wouldn’t hurt to have a backup, you know? Uh, Rach-Rach, what were you thinking? (Gives her a look)

Rachel: Okay! I was thinking if it’s a girl, how about Sandrine? It’s French.

Ross: Huh. That’s a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent.

Rachel: Okay fine, what do you have?

Ross: Well, OK, it’s for a boy. Well, I know it’s a little out there, but…Darwin.

Rachel: Wow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.

Phoebe: Yeah, by Sandrine.

Ross: You’re just saying that 'cause I said no to your name!

Rachel: I’m really, really not.

Phoebe: How-how about you each get five vetoes?

Ross: All right.

Rachel: All right.

Ross: That sounds fair.

Rachel: Yeah! I don’t think you’re going to need it though. Okay, check this out. If it’s a girl, Rain.

Ross: Veto.

Rachel: Why?

Ross: Rain? Hi. Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out of wheat.

Phoebe: I know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a Dead show!

Ross: Okay, how about, for a guy, Thatcher?

Rachel: Ross, why do you hate our child?

Ross: Fine, you go.

Rachel: Okay, James.

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: But only if it’s a girl.

Ross: Oh, veto. How about—Ooh, I like Ruth! What about Ruth?

Rachel: Oh! I’m sorry! Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton?

Ross: Veto. Stewart?

Rachel: Veto. Sawyer?

Ross: Veto. Helen?

Rachel: Veto.

Phoebe: Is it me, or is veto starting to sound really good?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica comes from the bathroom as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Boy, do I have a surprise for you!

Chandler: Sex on the balcony?

Monica: No, but someone’s really not going to get over that idea, are they?

Chandler: What is it?

Monica: I drew you a bath!

Chandler: Honey, I don’t like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having sex on the balcony?

Monica: Please, could you just try it for me? Come on, I used all my best stuff! I-I-I lit some candles. I put on some music. I used bath salts, plus bubble bath! And got you this little plastic Navy ship. So it’s a boy bath!

Chandler: Well, this does butch it up a bit.

Monica: I swear, if you try it, you will love it!

Chandler: All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?

Monica: Absolutely.

(Chandler runs into the bathroom)

Monica: Bet I know how that discussion’s going to go.

[Cut to Chandler laying in the bathtub. "Only Time," is playing in the background.]

Chandler: (thinking) All right, this isn’t so bad. I like the flower smell! Which is okay, because I’ve got my boat.

Monica: (entering) So?

Chandler: Oh my God.

Monica: I told you you were a bath person! Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial!

Chandler: I’m going to need a bigger boat.

[Scene: The Doctor’s Office, the doctor is writing something as Rachel is on the table, and Ross is standing.]

Ross: I don’t think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. I mean, come on, little Ruthie Geller, how-how cute is that?

Rachel: Oh, oh my God! I can practically hear the mahjong tiles!

Dr. Long: Okay! All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing the sex of the baby?

Ross: Uh, no. No, we’re not.

Rachel: But you have it right there in that file? You could tell us whether it’s a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?

Dr. Long: That’s right. But if you don’t want to know…

Ross: No, no, we want to wait, right?

Rachel: Right. Right.

Dr. Long: (looks at her beeping pager) Oh, I’ll be right back. And, uh, I know it’s really not my place, but please don’t name your child Phoebo.

Rachel: (looking at the bulletin board with baby pictures) So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?

Ross: What? Rach! Come on, that’s terrible! They’re…uh…they’re babies. They’re-they’re all beautiful.

Rachel: Third one from the left?

Ross: Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I’m talking about it. (Rachel starts to peek at the file) Don’t-don’t you—Wh—Wha—Hey!!

Rachel: What?!

Ross: You’re looking!

Rachel: I didn’t!

Ross: I saw you!

Rachel: Okay fine, I did. But I didn’t see anything, I swear.

Ross: Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!

Rachel: Okay, but Ross just listen to me…

Ross: No, no, no, no! Don’t tell me! I don’t want to know!

Rachel: But I couldn’t even if I wanted to, because I don’t know! I swear; I didn’t see anything, and I don’t want to know! It was just a momentary lapse.

Ross: Momentary lapse. Don’t-don’t you have any self-control?

Rachel: (holding stomach) Okay, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, Monica is entering.]

Monica: Hello?

Chandler: I’m in the bathroom, can you come in here? I think there’s something wrong.

Monica: You know what? I-I think I’ll wait out here.

Chandler: I’m in the bathtub.

Monica: Oh. (She goes into the bathroom.) What’s wrong?

Chandler: I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The water’s tepid. The salt didn’t dissolve and is now… lodged places. And the scents I used don’t compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile—Oh!

Monica: What?

Chandler: The bath salts! They’re starting to effervesce! It’s different. (Pause) It’s interesting.

Monica: Okay, let’s talk about something else.

Chandler: Yeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh!

Monica: Well, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking about rules and right and wrong and…

Chandler: I had the exact same conversation.

Monica: You did? What was he talking about?

Chandler: I don’t know! Joey hasn’t had this much trouble getting out words since we saw him in Macbeth!

Monica: (groans) That was a long night.

Chandler: All right, let’s break this down. What exactly did he say to you?

Monica: Okay, he was talking about rules.

Chandler: Uh-huh.

Monica: Umm, and looking at people differently.

Chandler: He didn’t say anything about that to me.

Monica: What did he tell you?

Chandler: He was asking all these questions about you, me, and London. And, of course the glue that holds this all together, the rules.

Monica: Okay. So you, me and London. Looking at people differently. Maybe he wants to do what you and I did in London with someone.

Chandler: But what did he mean by rules?

Monica: Wait a minute! He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in!

Chandler: Because he was looking at her differently.

Monica: And Phoebe is his friend, so he thinks that would be breaking the rules!

Chandler: My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!

Phoebe: (from outside the bathroom) You guys?

Monica: Just a minute! (To Chandler) That’s Mrs. Tribbiani!

Chandler: You don’t say anything.

Monica: Why would I say anything? That two of our best friends could start the greatest love affair of their lives! And they would have me to thank, and we could all start having babies?

Chandler: I’m not going to let you say anything.

Monica: You just stay here! (Dumps a jar of bath salts in the bathtub)

Chandler: Oh, God!

(Monica runs out to Phoebe, who is in the kitchen)

Phoebe: Oh, hey, Monica, I brought back your iron.

Monica: Oh, you had that?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: I thought I lost it. I got a new one, like, a month ago.

Phoebe: Oh, just as well, I broke this one.

(Monica starts smiling)

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Nothing.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: I mean, I-I, I really shouldn’t say. I mean, I’m really not supposed to.

Phoebe: Fine.

Monica: It’s a humdinger!

Phoebe: Then it’s really too bad that you can’t tell me.

Monica: Somebody likes you!

Phoebe: (Groans) Is it Chandler?

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Well, then tell him to stop staring!

Monica: It’s Joey!

Phoebe: Really?! Joey?! You don’t say.

Monica: Is it something you’d be interested in?

Phoebe: I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. You know, I mean, on the one hand, Mother may I? But y’know on the other hand… No. No, I can’t. We’re friends. No, oh, no. I don’t want to risk what we have.

Monica: I guess that makes sense. So, you think you’re going to talk to him?

Phoebe: Sure, yeah. I mean, it’s Joey. I don’t want him to get hurt. Well, I must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey!

Monica: Not Chandler, just Joey.

Phoebe: Sure.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central perk, Ross is sitting on the chair as Rachel walks in.]

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: You know what? I’ve been thinking about it. I’m really coming around on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that.

Ross: Rach, I-I can’t tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh… Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind? Unless, you know we’re never going to have to use it. You did see the folder. You know it’s a boy!

Rachel: I didn’t see anything! I actually changed my mind about the name.

Ross: I don’t think so! You’re just giving me Ruth so you’ll get to name it when it’s a boy, and that’s when you’ll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia.

Rachel: I would—Sequoia?

Ross: Veto.

Rachel: Fine.

Ross: Unless… (Rachel groans.) You anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to be named Ruth! Well, I’m not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table!

Rachel: But Ross, you want the name Ruth!

Ross: Not like this!

[Scene: Rachel and Joey’s, Joey is sitting on his recliner as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Hey. Well, what’s up?

Phoebe: Umm, Joey, I know.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: I knooow.

Joey: Whaaat?

Phoebe: I know about your feelings.

Joey: Oh my God. You do?

Phoebe: Yes, and I’m sorry. I-I know things worked out for Chandler and Monica, but that’s very rare.

Joey: I know. I know. And this is so much more complicated than it was for those guys. I mean, it’s Rachel for God sakes.

Phoebe: For God sakes, it’s Rachel!

Joey: I know. I know. And she’s not only my friend; she’s my pregnant friend! She’s my pregnant friend who’s Ross’ ex!

Phoebe: Yeah that’s Rachel. (To herself) Beat me over the head with it.

Joey: What am I going to do? You know, and I keep, I keep trying to get rid of these feelings, y’know? I stayed up all last night and made a list of everything I don’t like about her. You want to hear it?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: She made me switch to light Mayo. That’s it! That’s all I got! And, you know what? It tastes the same and my pants fit better!

Phoebe: Joey, I just think you’re getting worked up over nothing. This is probably just a crush.

Joey: You think?

Phoebe: Absolutely! Y’know, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes away.

Joey: Yeah, just a crush! That’s all this is! It’s a crush! I’m Joey; I don’t get deep feelings.

Phoebe: That’s right, there you go! Crushes happen all the time! I know I’ve had them for all you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler. And I’m sure you’ve had them for us.

Joey: Not really.

Phoebe: Mm-hmm. (To herself) Throw me a bone here.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.]

Ross: So, I uh… I called the doctor and now we both know the sex of the baby.

Rachel: What?

Ross: That’s right. The student has become the master.

Rachel: Ross, I swear, I don’t know.

Ross: Oh, come on, you know it’s a girl!

Rachel: A what?!

Ross: You really didn’t know?

Rachel: We’re having a girl?

Ross: No.

Rachel: That’s what you just said!

Ross: No.

Rachel: You said girl!

Ross: Yes. I’m… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Rachel: I’m not! We’re having a girl! Sometimes I can’t believe it’s with you—But still! We’re having a girl!

Ross: I know! I know. You know what? I’m putting Ruth back on the table!

Rachel: Oh, yes! We’ll have ourselves a little baby Ruth…

Ross: Permission to veto.

Rachel: Yes, please.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler enters as Monica comes from the bathroom.]

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Do I smell essential oils?

Monica: Yeah, I’m going to take a bath. I’m just going to get a magazine.

Chandler: Okay.

(As soon as Monica leaves the room, Chandler takes off his jacket and runs to the bathroom. Monica enters the bathroom to find Chandler in the bathtub.)

Monica: What do you think you’re doing?

Chandler: L-leaving my troubles behind?

Monica: I know that you’re new at this, but this is completely unacceptable bath decorum.

Chandler: Oh, it’s so hard to care when you’re this relaxed.

Monica: Fine, you can have the bath, but I am taking your boat. Now you’re just a girl in a tub!

(Phoebe enters the bathroom)

Chandler: (upset) Hey!

Phoebe: Hi, Bubbles. Manly. Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know how it went with Joey.

Chandler: (To Monica) You told her?!

Monica: She pulled it out of me! She’s like a conversational wizard! How’d it go?

Phoebe: Well, you were wrong, he doesn’t like me!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Yeah! How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors’ house and told you that he liked you, and you went down there and you found out that he didn’t like you? How would you feel?

Monica: (Pause) I don’t think I’d care.

Phoebe: Really? Lee Majors is hot!

Joey: (from outside the bathroom) Hello?

Phoebe: We’re in the bathroom!

Joey: Why?

Chandler: (sarcastically) Because it’s a relaxing and enjoyable time!

Joey: (entering the bathroom) What are you guys doing in here?

Monica: Oh my God! A friend he’s looking at differently, but it’s wrong. It’s Rachel!

Chandler: You like Rachel?!

Joey: It’s no big deal, okay? Phoebe and I talked about it. It’s just a crush! It’s going to go away! (Looks down) Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles! Oh!

Phoebe: (checking for herself) (To Monica) Mazel tov.

Rachel: (entering) Hey! Ross and I were looking for you! What are we all doing in here? (Looks at Chandler) Oh, my! (Covers the spot where Joey wants bubbles to be replaced.)

Monica: Honey, cover it up with the boat!

Ross: (from outside the bathroom) Hello?

Chandler: (sarcastically) Yes we’re all in here and we would love for you to join us!

Ross: (entering) Well hey! What’s going on? Ooh, cool boat—(Sees why the boat’s there)—Oh, no. (Averts his eyes by looking around the room) (To Rachel) Hey, did you, did you tell them?

Rachel: No, I was waiting for you!

Phoebe: Tell us what?

Rachel: We’re having a girl.

All: Oh, wow! Yay! Wow! Hooray! Oh, man!

(They all hug and then turn and look at Chandler)

Chandler: I’ll…I’ll get you later!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is sitting at the counter eating Cocoa Puffs.]

Joey: (thinking) All right. It’s a new day, and it’s just a crush, that’s all! Just a little crush! All that worrying I was doing, that was crazy. Crazy! Like my friend here the bird would say, "it was cuckoo!" Everything’s going to be fine. It’s just a crush.

Rachel: (entering) Hi, sweetie.

Joey: (thinking) I love you.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s bathroom. Both are sitting on opposite ends of the bathtub.]

Monica: It sure is nice to do this together, isn’t it?

Chandler: Yeah. And what you’re doing feels so good.

Monica: I’m not touching you.

Chandler: You’re not?

Monica: It’s the salts.

Chandler: Oh, sweet Lord. New realms of pleasure!

Monica: (To herself) Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy!

End

The One With The Secret Closet

Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe walks up to and knocks on Chandler and Monica’s door.]

Monica: (opens the door wearing a robe, but leaves the chain on) Hey, what’s up?

Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again.

Monica: Oh, okay. No problem.

Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.)

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: Oh.

Monica: Here you go.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: Great! Umm…(Monica closes the door again and Phoebe knocks again.)

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: So do you want to hang out or something?

Monica: Phoebe! You kinda caught me at a bad time.

Phoebe: Oh are you and Chandler…

Monica: Yes! Exactly.

Phoebe: Okay. Do you guys want me to play for you?

Monica: (laughs) No. (Closes the door as Chandler walks up.)

Chandler: Hey Pheebs, what’s up?

Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question Chandler Bing.

(Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! You’re getting a massage! You never let me massage you!!

Monica: Phoebe, I can explain!

Phoebe: You told me you hate massages!

Chandler: Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning…Don’t let Phoebe in.

Phoebe: I can’t believe this! How long as this been going on?

Monica: Well umm, Alexandra has been…

Phoebe: Oh, it has a name?

Monica: Phoebe, don’t get upset!

Phoebe: Okay—Oop! Too late! I’m leaving! Come on Chandler let’s go! (She storms out.)

Chandler: Well, Phoebe I thought I’d—(Off Phoebe’s look)—Yeah, what the hell. (Exits with Phoebe.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey’s Bedroom, Joey is having a dream about Rachel giving birth with him as the father.]

Joey: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, we’re almost there! We’re almost there!

Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m so happy things worked out for us that we’re having this baby together. I love you so much.

Joey: Oh, I love you too.

Rachel: And I hope it’s not an inappropriate time to say this but, you’re the best sex I ever had.

Joey: That’s always appropriate! (Back to the matter at hand) Oh, okay. One more push! One more push!

(Finally, the baby is delivered and starts crying.)

Doctor: Oh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations!

(She hands the baby to Joey who pulls down the blanket to reveal Ross’s face where the baby’s should be.)

Ross: (crying) I hope you’re a better father than you’re a friend!! (Cries again and Joey wakes up in horror.)

Rachel: (bursts into the room) Joey! Joey!

Joey: What? What’s going on?

Rachel: Come feel this! Come feel my belly!

Joey: Aaaah…

Rachel: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come feel this?!

Joey: Really?!

Rachel: Yes!

(Joey starts to get up but stops.)

Joey: Oh, y’know what? Maybe uh, you…you should come to me. I’m a not, I’m not wearing any bottoms.

Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes over to him and he feels her belly.)

Joey: Oh my, oh my God!

Rachel: Aw, it’s unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, she’s like umm…oh…who’s that kind of annoying girl soccer player?

Joey: Mia Hamm?

Rachel: Mia Hamm!

Joey: Oh that’s amazing. (Drops the sheet.)

Rachel: (looking down) Oh-oh!! One hand on the sheet Joe!

Joey: Whoa-hey-oh! Sorry!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has opened another wedding present as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey babe.

Monica: Hi honey. We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing; they don’t like us do they? (They gave them a pok-a-dotted punch bowl.)

Chandler: Who says you can’t get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back?

Monica: No, it doesn’t say where it came from. Where would we return it?

Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony?

Monica: Why don’t we just find a place for it?

Chandler: Okay. How about in that cabinet?

Monica: No! That’s where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?

Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the bathroom.)

Monica: Oh, okay. Here, why don’t you let me do it?

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) It’s locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?

Monica: No reason. I-I keep private things in there.

Chandler: Oh y’know, I’ve been living here a while and I’ve never seen what’s inside that closet. What is, what is in there?

Monica: Feminine stuff.

Chandler: Don’t try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!

Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me you-you’ll let it go.

Chandler: Fine.

Monica: Thank you! (He tries the door again and Monica glares at him.)

Chandler: (walking casually away) Love you.

Phoebe: (entering) Hello Chandler, lovely day huh? (To Monica) You!

Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.)

Phoebe: Why won’t you let me massage you?

Monica: Well it’s…I mean I’d just—I’d be self-conscious. You’re my friend; I’d be naked.

Phoebe: Monica! We lived together for years! I’ve seen you naked!

Monica: That’s different, we were roommates! And when?!

Phoebe: I’m curious about the human body.

Monica: Hey, come on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me.

Phoebe: But I’m a professional! And I’m really good! Look, if you’re uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay. Please?

Monica: Okay, if it means that much to you…

Phoebe: It does! How would you feel if you couldn’t share your cooking? Or-or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn’t teach us about dragons.

Monica: Dinosaurs.

Phoebe: Potato, potaato.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey Ross! The baby’s kicking!

Ross: What?! It is?! (He tries to quickly remove his gloves, but runs into trouble and finally throws them off of his hands like a hockey player in a fight and grabs Rachel’s belly.)

Rachel: It’s not kicking right now. Although we would love to see you do (Mimics him) that again.

Ross: Hey, when-when was it kicking? What happened?

Rachel: Last night! I just felt it and I went into Joey’s room and he was sleeping…

Joey: A dreamless sleep.

Ross: My God, the baby’s kicking. That’s great. Although I…kinda wish I-I would’ve been there to feel the kicking for the first time y’know.

Joey: Well I got stuff going on in here (Rubbing his belly) if you wanna feel.

Ross: Look, I-I don’t want to miss anymore baby stuff. So…Here. Here’s my new pager number, okay? Anytime anything pregnancy related happens use it! I’ll be there! Okay? I don’t care if it’s three in the morning and all you want is ice cream.

Joey: Wow! Can I get a copy of that?

[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Monica is lying on the massage table waiting for Phoebe.]

Phoebe: (calling from her room) Are you under the sheet?

Monica: Yes.

(Phoebe turns on some music and grabs some oil.)

Phoebe: (in a soothing voice) Great, let’s begin. (She starts the massage.) How’s the pressure?

Monica: Nice! Wow Phoebe you are good!

Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And it’s not weird is it.

Monica: No. Ooohh…

Phoebe: That’s right, you just enjoy.

Monica: (in a sexy voice) Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhhhh! Ohh! Oh yeah!

Phoebe: (getting uncomfortable) Okay.

Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! (Phoebe covers one ear.) Oh that’s it! That’s it! Right there! Oh! (Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-ooooh… (Covers both ears and continues the massage with her elbows.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has a box of keys and is trying them on the secret closet when someone enters.]

Chandler: I wasn’t trying to open your closet! I wasn’t trying to open your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)

Joey: Whoa, Monica runs a pretty tight ship over here. What are you doing?

Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she won’t let me see what’s in it.

Joey: Why not?

Chandler: I don’t know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can’t see?!

Joey: I don’t know. Ooh, I bet it’s Richard.

Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?

Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe she’s having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too. Or!

Chandler: And here we go…

Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Y’know it wouldn’t kill ya to respect your wife’s privacy! (He walks away and into his apartment and looks the door.) Stupid closet full of bugs!

Rachel: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I don’t—Whoa!! (Winces in pain.)

Joey: Oh hey whoa-whoa, don’t worry. Okay. When my sisters were pregnant they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing.

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Absolutely. But, we’re gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? I’ll page Ross on the way. Come on.

Rachel: Okay. Oh God—Ow!—Oo!

Joey: Okay Rach-Rach-Rach look at me, look at me, everything’s gonna be fine, trust me. Okay. Take my hand. Here we go. (Rachel grabs his hand.) Oww crushing bones!

[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is in the waiting room as Rachel comes back out with the doctor.]

Joey: Hey! So?

Dr. Long: She’s fine. She’s experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.

Rachel: Hmm, mild discomfort. So I take it you’ve had one of these Braxton thingies?

Joey: So but everything is normal.

Dr. Long: Absolutely.

Joey: And-and there’s no danger to her and the baby?

Dr. Long: No-no. Contractions can be unnerving if you don’t know what they are, but she’s fine.

Rachel: Thank you doctor. (Dr. Long exits.) (To Joey) Oh thank you for being so nice and calm.

Joey: Calm?! I wasn’t calm! I’ve never been more scared in all my life!

Rachel: But wait you said everything was gonna be okay.

Joey: Well what do I know?! I’m not a doctor!

Rachel: But I—But everything is okay. I’m fine!

Joey: You sure?!

Rachel: Yes! Yes! I got half a mind to contract that doctor’s uterus though. Mild discomfort, what’s he talking about?

Joey: (seeing Ross) Oh hey-hey!

Ross: (rushes in) Is everything okay?

Rachel: Yeah, everything’s fine!

Ross: Your page said come to the hospital, what? What was it? What happened?

Joey: Something called Braxton-Hicks contractions.

Ross: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women don’t even feel them.

Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.

Joey: Hey uh, what’s with the candy?

Ross: Oh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater.

Rachel: Oh you went to the movies by yourself?

Ross: No I—Mona!

Rachel: Oh, I gotta go back in there.

Ross: What? Why? What’s wrong?

Rachel: No, everything’s fine. I just gotta go back…

Ross: No really, you tell me what’s up.

Rachel: I-I forgot my underwear. (Ross lets her go.)

Ross: (To Joey) So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.

Joey: Oh hey, don’t worry about it man. Don’t worry about it, no big deal.

Ross: Yeah but still, I mean it should’ve been me. I’m the dad.

Dr. Long: (To Joey) Uh, if you have any questions, here’s some information on Braxton-Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You’re gonna make a wonderful father.

Joey: Oh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy! (Grabs Ross around the shoulders.) He brought Twizlers!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still working on the door.]

Chandler: There has got to be a way!

Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin?

Chandler: Yeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait, I’m not an nine-year-old girl.

Joey: Then why do you throw like one?

Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.

Joey: Sure. "Monica."

Chandler: So, how’s the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?

Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now. (Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it to Joey.) Wow, you sure found that quick. (He tries the pin in the lock.) I just—I wish I didn’t feel this way about Rachel anymore, y’know? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think…I think Ross feels left out. Y’know? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. God… You should’ve seen the look on Ross’s face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea what I’m doing here. For all I know I’m just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?

Chandler: That’s a good idea.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay. (They switch places and Chandler gets out a credit card.) So uh, Ross is kinda bummed huh?

Joey: Oh, I just…I feel terrible.

Chandler: Well, it’s not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Y’know? You’re doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby. (He loses his card behind the door.) Richard? If-if you’re in there, could you pass me my credit card?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good!

Phoebe: No-no, I got that.

Monica: So umm, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?

Phoebe: Okay. Okay but you should know though, I’ve raised my rates to $200 an hour.

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: I mean $500.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: 600.

Monica: What’s going on?

Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged!

Monica: What? (Laughs.)

Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out! And after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on.

Monica: What?! You’re crazy! There’s nothing sexual about the noises I make!

Phoebe: Really? There’s nothing sexual about this? (Sexily) Oooh. Oo God! Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh. (Some cute guy is watching closely.) (To him) What are you looking at?! (Pause) I mean hi.

Monica: Oh my—This is so embarrassing. Oh my God, I’m never gonna get massaged again!

Phoebe: No, you can’t let this stop you from getting massages! No look, I have, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do!

Monica: Really?!

Phoebe: Well not clients, lovers. But let’s just y’know, try it again. Come back and-and we’ll work through it.

Monica: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Yes.

Monica: I guess.

Phoebe: Great! Okay, if you’ll just excuse me. (To the guy) So, did you hear something you liked?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing an aluminum can on her stomach as Ross enters.]

Rachel: Hey Ross! Check it out! I learned a new trick!

Ross: Hey uh, I brought you some lunch.

Rachel: Ohh! That’s so sweet of you! Oh yum! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich and starts to get sick.) Did you put pickles on this?

Ross: Well yeah!

Rachel: Oh Ross!! (Runs to the bathroom and closes the door.)

Ross: What?! What?! Rach what?!

Joey: What’s going on?

Ross: I made her favorite, tuna salad with pickles.

Joey: Pickle? Pickles make her sick. Giving her pickles is like giving me salad.

Ross: (to Rachel) I-I’m sorry Rach, I didn’t know. Are you gonna be okay?

Rachel: Yeah, I’ll be fine. But could someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there?

Joey: I’m on it! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich.)

Ross: I can’t believe this! I shouldn’t be the one making her throw up!

Joey: Dude relax! It could happen to anyone.

Ross: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I don’t know any of it and I’m the father. I wish I’d be more involved y’know.

Rachel: (entering) Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.

Joey: Hey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: What’s up?

Joey: Uh, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation.

Rachel: (Gasps) Are you breaking up with us?

Joey: The thing is…’cause I live with Rachel I’m here for a lot of the stuff, okay? (To Rachel) And Ross…Ross is missing everything. So…

Rachel: Yeah?

Joey: Maybe you two should live together.

Rachel: Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here?

Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that…if you’re gonna have a roommate, y’know it might as well be the father.

Rachel: But Joey, I don’t think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean—(Ross turns to her with wishful eyes.)—Or he does.

Ross: No I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a temporary basis.

Rachel: But Ross, its you and me!

Ross: So? Sure! But it-it wouldn’t be anything romantic. And I’m-I’m dating Mona—Damnit Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! What is wrong with me?!

Joey: All right now, so? What do you think?

Rachel: I don’t know. Is it crazy?

Ross: No! No it’s not. Joey, this is a smart idea.

Joey: Well, I was due.

Rachel: Okay, let’s do it. I’ll move in.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Oh Rach that’s great. That’s great. (They hug and Joey breathes a sigh of relief.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is pounding out the hinge pins on the closet door to get it open.]

Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself…using my wife’s tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see what’s behind the green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!

Monica: (entering) (Gasps) How did you get in there?!

Chandler: (laughs) You’re messy.

Monica: Oh no! You weren’t supposed to see this!

Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!

Monica: No Chandler, you don’t understand! (Chandler starts singing the theme for Sanford and Son, an old TV show starring Redd Fox.) Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine! Now you know. Okay? I’m y’know…I’m sick.

Chandler: No, honey you’re not sick! Look, I don’t love you because you’re organized, I love you in spite of that.

Monica: Really? You promise you won’t tell anyone?

Chandler: Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet.

Monica: Well…it’s just umm…I’m afraid you might mess it up.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is drinking a gallon of orange juice as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: So Rachel’s all moved out huh? How are you taking it?

Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldn’t stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, it’s a couple weeks past it’s expiration date, so it’s got a bit of a kick.

Chandler: Are you okay?

Joey: Are you kidding me? I’m great! Yeah, I’m uh; I’m better than great. I am good. And now that she’s gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldn’t do before. Y’know? Like umm, I can walk around naked again. Y’know? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living room. Right? This is uh, this is good for me. Y’know? I like being on my own, I’m uh, better off this way. I’m uh, a lone wolf. Y’know? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. What’s a wolf got to do to get a huh around here?! (Chandler rushes over and hugs him.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Phoebe is giving Monica another massage.]

Monica: Ohhh.

Phoebe: That’s it. Just relax.

Monica: Ohh. Oh! Ohh!

Phoebe: Come on more!

Monica: Oh God!

Phoebe: Yeah, you like that don’t you?

Monica: Oh yeah right there!

Phoebe: You want it there? You take it there baby!

Monica: Uh Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it! (She stops when she realizes what she’s doing.) And now I’m going to cover you back up, and umm we’re never doing this again.

End

The One With The Birthing Video

Written by: Dana Klein Borkow

Transcribed by: Dan Gottleib

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and sit down.]

Phoebe: Oh! Hey, Rach!

Rachel: Hi! Hey, Happy Valentine’s Day!

Phoebe: Oh, you, too.

Joey: Hey, so, uh, how’s it going living over at Ross’?

Rachel: It’s good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. I’ll see you guys later.

Phoebe: Okay.

Joey: Bye.

(Rachel exits with coffee)

Joey: There’s one lucky to-go cup of coffee.

Phoebe: (sighs) Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top?

Joey: Thanks. But maybe later.

Phoebe: Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?

Gunther: (to Joey) You want anything?

Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentine’s Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that’s never going to happen!

Gunther: We have red bagels.

Joey: Oh, okay.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.]

Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?

Ross: Oh, I’m actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she’s been away all week visiting her parents, but she’ll be cool. I mean, she’s been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, ‘Fossils are my friends.’

Phoebe: Ugh. Come on, Mona, don’t kiss ass.

Ross: Uh, I’m going to take off.

Phoebe: All right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape!

Ross: What is it?

Phoebe: It’s a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment?

Ross: All right. (reading the label) ‘Candy and Cookie?’

Phoebe: Yeah. Candy’s the mother, Cookie’s the daughter. The father’s also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?

Monica: (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, c’mere. I want to show you something in the bathroom.

Phoebe: Oh, Monica, grow up!

Ross: Hey, what’s behind your back?

Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe’s opinion on for Valentine’s Day.

Ross: You don’t want my opinion?

Monica: Not really.

Ross: Come on, I’m your older brother, ask me!

Monica: All right, big brother. (holds up two erm…revealing articles of clothing) Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your best friend would want to do her?

Ross: (quietly) The red one.

[Scene: Joey and…wait…just Joey’s. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.]

Phoebe: (knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know you’ve been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate.

Joey: No, I’m not sleeping with your friend Jane again.

(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)

Phoebe: He-hee!

Joey: Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane.

Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!

Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we are! (the dog sticks his head between Joey’s legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.]

Chandler: Happy Valentine’s!

Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! I’ll be right out. I’m slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.

Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) ‘Candy and Cookie’. ‘Candy and Cookie?’ Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn")

(A woman on TV breaths hard)

Man on TV: Yeah, just relax.

Chandler: I love you, St. Valentine.

(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler’s eyes get huge!)

Chandler: Woah, woah, that’s not pretty!

Man on TV: Now, push!

Woman on TV: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts!

Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.)

Woman on TV: Ohhh! Make it stop!

Chandler: I am trying!

[Scene: Joey’s. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.]

Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesn’t, and the dog goes running off.) Well, you’re cute, but you’re not too smart!

(The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.)

Joey: (looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this?

Rachel: (entering) Hi.

Joey: Hi.

Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this?

Joey: Oh, that’s, uh, that’s Phoebe’s friend’s dog. I don’t know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella.

Rachel: (talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips…kind of like you do to a baby or...well…a puppy…it’s hard to explain. Just use your imagination!) Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I’ve got to go to work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. (still talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can’t stop it. (exits)

Joey: (to the dog) C’mere. Hey. C’mere. That’s Rachel. She’s the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you—we love her. But we can’t have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You’re a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]

Monica: (entering from her bedroom) So what do you think? (referring to her outfit)

(Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge)

Monica: (to herself) I’ve still got it!

Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?

Monica: What is it?

Chandler: It’s yelling…bleeding…dilating. Oh, the dilating…

Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe’s. Why were you even watching it?

Chandler: I thought…maybe…you got me porn for Valentine’s Day.

Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentine’s Day… (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, it’s about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those aren’t stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?

Chandler: Well, I’m not really in a sexy mood right now.

Monica: Honey, what’s going on?

Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws?

Monica: Mm-hmm.

Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water?

Monica: Chandler, we can’t let this tape wreck Valentine’s Day!

Chandler: You don’t know. You didn’t see it.

Monica: Child-birth, it’s a natural thing! It’s beautiful.

Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like he’s going to throw up!)

Monica: Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!

Chandler: See, honey, there’s—(puts his hand on her leg)

Monica: Don’t touch me!

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters.]

Mona: Hi!

Ross: Hey! (they hug) So, how was Atlantic City?

Mona: Good.

Ross: Yeah?

Mona: I brought you back a present.

Ross: Wha—? Oh, come on. You didn’t have to—saltwater taffy?! (Mona laughs) Thanks! This is interesting. You know, most people think this is made with sea water, but it’s actually made with, uh, salted fresh water. That’s not interesting.

Mona: I think it’s interesting.

Ross: I do too! I missed you!

Mona: I missed you, too! So, how was your week?

Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking!

Mona: How exciting!

Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh… the only sad thing is I wasn’t around when it happened for the first time.

Mona: Oh no.

Ross: Yeah, I’m missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.

Mona: (laughing) Yeah right!

Ross: What?

Mona: Joey cracks me up! It’s like, ‘Yeah, why don’t you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn’t be awkward at all!’ (she laughs again)

Ross: (not amused) Huh…uh-huh.

Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs…yes…again!)

(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and he’s starting to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy he’s eating in his mouth)

Mona: So, what’d you tell him?

Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and starts to break down)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you?

Ross: I don’t know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! Um, plus, she, uh, she got me taffy!

Phoebe: Taffy, really? I’ve never had any.

Ross: Ever?!

Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats. (Ross hands her one) Thank you! So what, you’re just never going to tell her?

Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, I’m going to take her to an amazing Valentine’s dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I’m the best boyfriend in the world, then I’m going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.

Phoebe: If I haven’t said it before: she’s a lucky, lucky lady! So, where are you going to—what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the taffy, which she’s been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? What’s the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, it’s nice! May I try a pink one?

[Scene: Joey’s. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest.]

Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isn’t going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey, buddy. How’s my favorite dog, huh? How’s my favorite dog? (the dog doesn’t move) You’re subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment.

Joey: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. (pause) Oh, me, right!

(Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen)

Phoebe: He’s miserable! What happened to him?

Joey: Nothing. We just talked about stuff.

Phoebe: What stuff?

Joey: Rachel stuff.

Phoebe: Oh…Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!

Joey: He’s breathing!

Phoebe: Okay, I’m going to take him back to Wendy’s.

Joey: No, no, no, no! He’s fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Here’s your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!

[Scene: Ross and…Rachel’s…I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters.]

Ross: Well, I’m, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going tonight?

Rachel: Oh, I’ve got big Valentine’s plans! I’ve got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!

Ross: Y’know, it’s interesting! Most people think that’s made with seawater, when in fact—

Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.

(There is a knock on the door.)

Rachel: Ooh! My Chinese food! Let me get my cash! (runs to her room to get her money)

Ross: (opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What are—hi! What are you doing here? I’m, um, supposed to pick you up!

Mona: Change of plans, I made you a special Valentine’s dinner! Surprise!

Ross: (he makes some really weird noise hear that sounds kind of like…)Ayyyayyyy!

Rachel: (entering) Oh, hey, Mona!

Mona: Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! (to Ross) What’s she doing here?

Ross: I have no idea!

Rachel: I’ll be watching TV if anybody needs me. (exits to her room)

Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?

Ross: Uh…lately, she just likes hanging out here.

Mona: Why?

Ross: I think she’s lonely.

Mona: Okay, but it’s Valentine’s Day!

Ross: I know.

Mona: Can’t we just ask her to go?

Ross: No, no. She’s way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.

(Doorbell rings)

Rachel: I’m not here! That’s just my Chinese food!

Mona: Oh, my God! She has food delivered here?

Ross: Mm-hmm. She’s—she’s emotional, but, but ballsy.

Rachel: You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed! (exits)

Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why don’t you, uh, open the champagne, and I’ll be right back. I’ve got a surprise for you.

Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?

Ross: (fakes a laugh) Please start drinking! (exits)

Rachel: (entering) I’m just going to grab the phone.

Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but, but, um… what are you doing?

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry! Do you need the phone?

Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why don’t you go back to your place and give us some privacy?

Rachel: (as Ross enters with a present) But, but, Mona, I live here.

Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy Valentine’s Day! …Or something to remember me by.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.]

Monica: How long has it been this time?

Chandler: 90 seconds.

Monica: That’s better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about it…except all I did was think about it.

Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up ‘til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!

Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why don’t we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?

Chandler: I can do that.

Monica: Okay.

(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)

Chandler: Okay. Now all we’ve got to do is get rid of this chair.

(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they can’t do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)

Monica: Oh, thank God!

Chandler: Oh, I know!

Monica: Come in!

Rachel: (entering) Hi! I’m so sorry to barge in on your Valentine’s, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.

Monica: Oh, my God.

Chandler: Poor Ross.

(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross’ apartment)

Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes!

Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It’s here.

Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don’t watch it.

Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?

Chandler: Well, let’s just say it’s ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.

Rachel: Well, now, wait. Now I’m all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me.

Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you!

Rachel: C’mon, seriously, you guys, you’re not going to make me watch this alone!

Monica: She’s right…of course not. Honey, get the tape.

Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.

Rachel: Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!

Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?!

Monica: It’s…still beautiful.

Rachel: Uh! It’s horrible!

Monica: I know! I know, I’m so sorry for you!

Rachel: Oh, my God!

(Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes)

Chandler: Wait, you guys, look!

Rachel: What? Did her ass explode?!

Chandler: No, the baby’s out! Look, look!

Monica: Oh, look at those little fingers and toes!

Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!

Monica: Oh…Rach!

Rachel: Oh, screw you guys, you don’t have to do it!

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from…God knows where! Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that we’ve never seen! Weeeiiirrrddd….]

Ross: Hey, hey, man!

Joey: Hey, what’s up?

Ross: Uh…Mona just dumped me.

Joey: Oh, man, I’m sorry. Why?

Ross: Well, with everything that’s been going on lately, I haven’t exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didn’t tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know?

Joey: Still, that really sucks, man. Especially on Valentine’s Day.

Ross: Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani without a date on Valentine’s Day? What’s going on, huh? Girl trouble?

Joey: Sort of.

Ross: Really?!

Joey: You don’t have to seem so happy about it.

Ross: Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help you with it.

Joey: Oh, I…I d—

Ross: Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. Y’know, actually once—once I got dumped during sex.

(Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and Ross and Joey move away)

Ross: Anyway, so, uh, so what is it?

Joey: Forget about it. It’s no big deal.

Ross: C’mon! Joey! What is it?

Joey: It’s nothing.

Ross: Hey, hey, it’s me. Why can’t you tell me?

Joey: Okay, uh…sit down. (they do) Um… there’s this woman that I like. A lot. But, uh…it can’t happen.

Ross: She’s not a Tribbiani?

Joey: No!

Ross: I knew it. So, is she someone from work?

Joey: Yes.

Ross: Well, uh, does she like you?

Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn’t matter, because I can’t do anything about it.

Ross: Why not?

Joey: Well, it’s complicated. She’s with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because we’re really good friends.

Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he still in love with her?

Joey: No. I don’t think so.

Ross: Okay. Um… is he a good guy?

Joey: Yeah, he’s the best.

Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.

Joey: Oh, I don’t know.

Ross: Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.

Joey: I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep, I—

Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself.

Gunther: (placing a cup in front of Ross) Here’s your warm milk.

Ross: I’m going to…uh…I’m going to, um, put the bourbon in it at home.

Joey: Oh, yeah.

Ross: Anyway… seriously, uh…just…just talk to the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes. (walks towards the door until…)

Joey: It’s Rachel.

(Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute…Ahh! What’s going to happen next??!!! I can’t make it all the way through the Olympics!!!)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.]

Rachel: (thinking) You’re going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, you’re going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)

Woman on TV: I came to the big city to become a star! I’ll do…anything to make that happen!

Man on TV: Anything?

(Music starts playing…yes…you know what kind of music…)

Rachel: (thinking) Hmm…maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant.

End

The One Where Joey Tells Rachel

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

Lisa Kudrow: (voiceover) Previously on Friends

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is talking to Ross]

Joey: There’s this woman, that I like.  A lot.  Well, it’s complicated.  She’s with this other guy.  For a long time.  And I could never do that to the guy, y’know?  ’Ccause we’re really good friends.

Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he a good guy?

Joey: Yeah, he’s the best.

Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.

Joey: Oh, I don’t know.

Ross: Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.

Joey: I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep, I—

Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself. (Walks towards the door until…)

Joey: It’s Rachel.

[Fade to Black, then fade in again with Ross stopped at the doorway.]

Ross: (closes the door) Did you um—I’m sorry, did you just say it’s Rachel?

Joey: Yes.

Ross: Um, you…you like Rachel?

Joey: Yes. I like Rachel.

Ross: Rachel?!

Joey: (startled) Yeah, okay but look, buy uh—Hey-hey, y’know, y’know who else I like? You! And it-it doesn’t get said enough. I like you Ross.

Ross: But R-R-Rachel-Rachel?!

Joey: Yeah, but it’s not a big deal.

Ross: It’s not a big deal? Oh, I’m sorry I just…um, I…what about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I like—you-you can’t stop thinking about her. Like how you can’t sleep?

Joey: I’m an actor, y’know? As-as a group, we tend to be over dramatic.

Ross: Rachel who’s carrying my baby? Rachel?

Joey: Look no, I-I know it’s bad, and I know it’s wrong. Okay? But-but it’s not like anything’s ever gonna happen. Y’know? These-these are just feelings, they’re gonna go away.

Ross: Y’know what? I-I gotta go. (Starts to leave.)

Joey: Oh come on Ross! Hey Ross-Ross don’t…

Ross: (stops) I just—y’know—I-I just have one—Rachel?!

(He exits and starts to walk away, passes a window, stops, and says "Rachel?!" again. Joey sighs and turns around to face Gunther.)

Gunther: Rachel?!!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Chandler are on the couch.]

Rachel: Oh-oh! Okay, she’s kicking!

Chandler: Oh! (Puts his hand on her belly.) She’s growing inside you.

Rachel: Whoa!!

Chandler: Oh! (Pulls his hand away.)

Rachel: Wow that was a big one.

Chandler: I think that’s the youngest girl ever to reject me.

Phoebe: (entering) Oh hey you guys!

Chandler: Oh hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates?

Rachel: Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That’s why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He’ll find me.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, (To Chandler) and you?

Chandler: No. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don’t think they exist.

Phoebe: Okay, good.

Chandler: Why?

Phoebe: Well last night, I met Monica’s.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Yeah, I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other half.

Chandler: Come on, don’t be crazy. (To Rachel) You don’t think there’s someone out there better suited for Monica than me, do ya? (Rachel looks at him.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Well, what’s he like?!

Phoebe: Well he’s tall.

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: He has brown hair.

Rachel: Of course, of course.

Chandler: A tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe!

Phoebe: He works with food!

Rachel: Oh sure. Older?

Phoebe: Obviously, and he’s British.

Rachel: Oh, I was just gonna ask!

Phoebe: Yeah? And, he’s-he’s so centered and mature and confident.

Rachel: Oh, it’s so sad they never had a chance to meet.

Chandler: Luckily, the guy she settled for can’t hear what you’re talking about.

Phoebe: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, and maybe I’m wrong! I but—y’know I’m gonna go out with him again, I’ll find out more.

Chandler: You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you’re still gonna date him?

Phoebe: Well, he may not be my soul mate, but a girl’s gotta eat.

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is opening the door to Monica.]

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Monica: I just talked to Joey, I just—I want to see how you were.

Ross: Oh y’know, I still—I can’t believe it. Joey and Rachel I mean it’s… It’s like you and me going out, only weirder!

Monica: All right, I know you’re hurting, and-and I want to be supportive, but don’t say that again.

Ross: Oh my God! What if, what if they get married? Then he’d be the stepfather of my child.

Monica: Honey, I don’t think that’s something we need to worry about! First of all he’s-he’s never gonna tell her how he feels about her. And even if he did you have no idea how she’d react.

Ross: Sure, because women never like Joey. Y’know, I think he’s a virgin.

Monica: Joey…he’s not even thinking about going after Rachel!

Ross: He’s not?

Monica: No! All he’s thinking about is how you’re taking this! I mean, listen it’s totally freaking him out. He’s talking about moving to Vermont.

Ross: Why?

Monica: He says he wants to leave the country. (Pause) He thinks you hate him.

Ross: Hate him? I… No, I don’t hate him. (Pause) It’s just it’s Rachel, y’know?

Monica: Honey I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. But, I don’t want you to lose Joey over it. And right now he just needs to know that you’re still his friend.

Ross: Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to him.

Monica: All right. Now do it soon, he just asked me how to convert his dollars into Vermont money.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch as Phoebe enters with Monica’s soul mate.]

Phoebe: Oh! Hi!

Monica: Hi!

Phoebe: Umm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don.

Don: Oh, hello. (Shakes Chandler’s hand.) Hello. (Shakes Monica’s hand.)

Phoebe: (mouths to Chandler) Soul mate.

Chandler: (mouths to Phoebe) What?

Phoebe: (cough talks) Soul mate.

Monica: So, what have you guys been doing?

Don: Well, we just had a terrible lunch today at Reattica. What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes at that place?

Monica: I know! What is this, 1985?!

Don: That’s exactly what I said. Phoebe, isn’t that strange.

Monica: Not really.

Chandler: What’s wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? (Everyone stares at him.) On a barbecue chicken pizza? (Still there’s staring.) No?

Monica: So Don, what-what other restaurants do you like?

Don: Well, Octavio, 27&7—Oh! And there’s this great little place, Alessandro’s.

Monica: Oh my God! That’s my restaurant, I’m the chef there.

Don: You’re kidding me!

Monica: No!

Don: Your food is fantastic! Wow, I really want to talk to you about your menu, once I get some coffees first. Um, anyone want any?

Monica: Oh, I’d like a latte. Oh y’know what? If you’re gonna talk about me, I’m gonna go with you.

(They go over to the counter and Chandler moves closer to Phoebe.)

Chandler: What are you doing?!

Phoebe: Nothing! I swear to God I didn’t know you guys would be here! And the good news is you didn’t believe in soul mates. So…

Chandler: I believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife!

Phoebe: They’re just talking, and y’know what? Just because I think they’re soul mates doesn’t mean anything’s gonna happen.

Monica: (returning) Phoebe, good work.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah! Oh he’s great, I love him. (Walks away and Chandler glares at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Don’t worry, we’ll find you someone else.

[Scene: Joey’s Apartment, there’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Ross.]

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Joey: Look, I understand if you came by to hit me, I deserve it.

Ross: No, I don’t want to hit you.

Joey: Oh what then? Kick me?

Ross: No.

Joey: (getting worried) Bite me?

Ross: No, no I don’t want to do anything to you. All right? I just want to tell you that I’m not mad at you and…and that I certainly do not hate you. I just, I just came here to say that. (Starts to leave.)

Joey: Oh now—Hey Ross-Ross! Do you wanna-wanna come in for a beer or something?

Ross: Uh…yeah sure. (Enters.)

Joey: Do uh, do you got any beer? All-all I got is this melon stuff that Rachel left. I don’t…

Ross: Okay.

Joey: (pouring two glasses) Hey look Ross, you need to understand something okay? I uh…I am never gonna act on this Rachel thing, okay? I-I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with you. (He hands Ross a glass.)

Ross: Thank you.

(They clink glasses and take a drink. Ross likes it, Joey hates it. Then Ross sees Joey hating it, mimics he hates it as well.)

Joey: Anyway, it uh…look it’ll just…take me a while to get over her, that’s all. I’m not even sure how to do that, I mean I’ve never been in love before so…

Ross: What?! You’re in love with her.

Joey: Yeah, I thought you knew that.

Ross: Umm, no.

Joey: Wow. Hey look, if it helps, I don’t want to feel this way. Honest. I just keep thinking, "Ah, I’ll get over this." Y’know? I just—It just keeps gettin’ harder. I don’t, I don’t know what to do. Y’know? What do I do?

(Pause)

Ross: I think you need to tell her how you feel.

Joey: Okay that’s the green stuff talkin’.

Ross: No, I’m serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if she’s not where you are, then you can start to move past this.

Joey: But what if uh—and I’m not saying she will be—But…

Ross: If she is where you are then uh…then my feeling weird about it shouldn’t stand in the way.

Joey: Are you sure?

Ross: Yeah. Look if-if she’s gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she couldn’t find a better guy. So…

Joey: Hey thanks.

Ross: So when do you think you’re gonna talk to her?

Joey: Oh my God I have to tell her! I haven’t even thought about what I will say. What should I say?

Ross: I’m understanding, but let’s not get carried away.

Joey: I’m sorry, you’re right. What am I gonna say? (He takes another sip of the green stuff and recoils at the taste.) Oh!

Ross: Yeah, tell me about it. (He stands up, turns his back to Joey, and enjoys another sip.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Chandler are watching Monica and Don talk.]

Don: …so I’ve been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the cheese side of things.

Chandler: Cheese you say? That’s some pretty smelly work, huh Don?

Don: Excuse me?

Chandler: Cheese, it’s smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too.

Don: Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I’m one of the people who thinks the smellier the better.

Monica: Me too! Yeah, Chandler can’t stand it. He won’t even allow me to have blue cheese in the house.

Don: And you’re still married to him? (They both laugh, and Chandler tries to but fails.)

Monica: You know what I’d love to do? I would like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and cheese—Not even bread, just cheese. No, I want the bread. Yeah. Ah, and pastries… (Breathlessly) And pate. Oh, I’m really not high, it’s just I used to be fat.

Don: Well if you where ever enter the Loire valley let me know, I’ve got a great little villa you can stay at.

Chandler: Is it made of cheese?

Don: No. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn’t that be incredible?!

Monica: I’d move in tomorrow!

Chandler: (disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this?

Phoebe: I’m so sorry.

Chandler: What do we do?

Phoebe: I don’t know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! I don’t know how you fight that.

[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachel's, Joey walks up to knock on the door, but stops.]

Joey: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can tell her how I feel. Just uh, just stand up straight. (Does so.) Take a couple deep breaths. (Does so.) Look confident. (Does so as Rachel opens the door and startles him.)

Rachel: Joey? What’s up?

Joey: I uh, I just came by because I-I want to talk to you about something.

Rachel: Okay what’s up?

Joey: Here? In the hall? What are we animals?

Rachel: Well honey, I’m late for a meeting. So can you just make it quick?

Joey: Okay umm, I just came by to tell you that I…want to have dinner with you tonight. That’s all.

Rachel: Sure! That sounds great! Just leave me a message and tell me where to meet you. Okay? (Walks away.)

Joey: Okay. That’s good. Okay, that give you a couple hours to prepare what you’re gonna say. Good. Yeah. (Someone comes out of his apartment and it startles Joey again.) Don’t you people ever knock?!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering.]

Monica: I’d like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Chandler: Sure, why don’t you set it up. I’ll just be over here, browsing through the personals.

Monica: Are you okay? You’ve been acting weird all afternoon.

Chandler: Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But good enough.

Monica: Jeez! What is with you?

Chandler: I’m sorry, did you say cheese?

Monica: All right, what’s going on?

Chandler: Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don’t believe in that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won’t stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.

Monica: Chandler, you don’t believe in soul mates?

Chandler: No. But I’m sure (mimics Don) ‘tomatoes’ does.

Monica: I don’t believe in soul mates either.

Chandler: You don’t?

Monica: No. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.

Chandler: So you…you don’t want to live with Don in a cheese house?

Monica: No, I’ve had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean?

Chandler: I love you.

Monica: I know.

Chandler: Y’know what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers . (Monica doesn’t look impressed.) No? Really? They taste so good.

[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are having dinner.]

Rachel: …and I know Chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. I mean I’m really worried the baby’s not going to like him. (Joey is staring at the table.) Are you okay?

Joey: What? Yeah! Sure! Uh, look at the uh, the reason…(Exhales slowly)—Is it hot in here?

Rachel: No. Not-not for me, but why don’t you take off your sweater?

Joey: I would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs.

Rachel: Oh my God! Really?! Can I see it?

Joey: Yeah. Sure. (They both half stand up, Joey pulls the neck of his sweater out, and Rachel looks down it to see his T-shirt.)

Rachel: Huh. Wow, I wouldn’t think Hobbs would like that so much.

Joey: Uh… How long have we known each other?

Rachel: Um, seven…e-e-eight, eight years. Wow.

Joey: Uh-huh, long time.

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: But over the past few weeks…

(A waiter runs over interrupting Joey.)

Waiter: Hah, sorry about the wait, but it is mega-jammed in here! We have a couple specials tonight…

Joey: Actually uh, could you give us a second?

Waiter: Sure. Sure. (Turns away, then turns back) Second’s up! (Joey glares at him.) Not…that kind of table. (He walks away.)

Rachel: So you were saying?

Joey: I’m not quite sure.

Rachel: Okay, well you had asked me how long we had known each other, and I said, "Eight years." And the um, waiter came over and cut his tip in half, and umm…now here we are.

Joey: Yeah, here we are. Uhh… I… I think I’m…falling in love with you.

Rachel: (stunned) What?

Joey: I’m falling in love with you.

Rachel: (looking around) Who are you talking too? Oh, you’re kidding! Oh, it’s a joke! (Laughs.) It’s funny. It’s funny. I don’t get it. (Joey doesn’t say any thing and Rachel realizes it’s not a joke.) Oh. (Pause) Okay. Umm… I-I…uh, wow. Are you uh… How did umm… When?

Joey: Does it really matter?

Rachel: Wow! Wow. Wow. Wow, it is hot in here.

Joey: Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You don’t have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. (Long pause as Rachel says nothing.) Okay, you gotta say something!

Rachel: Joey, Joey I love you so much, but I…

Joey: But. (Hangs his head down.)

Rachel: Joey.

Joey: Yeah-yeah right. That’s okay. That’s fine. That’s uh, pretty much what I was expecting. So uh, it’s no big deal. All right? I think I’m gonna go. (Stands up.)

Rachel: No! Joey please! Please don’t! Please don’t leave like this! Now come on, you cannot do this to a pregnant woman! (Starts to cry.)

Joey: Don’t start doing that. You can’t do that Rach, ‘cause then you’re gonna make me do that. (Starts to cry.) Oh, here we go! (Sits down next to her.)

Rachel: Can I? (Hug him.)

Joey: Sure!

(They hug.)

Rachel: Oh Joey honey I don’t…I don’t want to lose…

Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey! You can’t. Okay? Ever!

Rachel: I’m so sorry.

Joey: Oh no-no Rach, please, don’t be sorry. Okay? Don’t be sorry. (They hug again.) Y’know I was only kidding you.

Rachel: Yeah, that was a real good one.

Closing Credits

[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are still hugging as a waiter walks by the table to talk to the annoying waiter from before who is watching.]

Waiter No. 2: Is this your table?

Waiter: Yeah.

Waiter No. 2: God, you’re gonna be here all night!

Waiter: I know! I haven’t even read them the specials yet!

Waiter No. 2: What’s the matter with them?

Waiter: I don’t know. I think maybe one of them is dying. (Pause) I kinda hope it’s the girl. (The other waiter is shocked.) The guy is really cute!

End

The One With The Tea Leaves

Teleplay by: Steven Rosenhaus

Story by: R. Lee Flemming, Jr.

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Hallway, Rachel walks up the stairs and knocks on Joey’s door.]

Rachel: Joey? Are you in there?

[Cut to inside Monica and Chandler’s, Monica, Chandler and Joey are eating breakfast.]

Joey: (hearing Rachel and jumping up with his plate) Oh God! That’s Rachel!

Monica: Joey, you have to talk to her!

Joey: No-no, I can’t! I can’t! Not after the other night, it’s just it’s…too weird, okay? Don’t tell her I’m here! (Turns to run to the bathroom and his bagel falls off the plate onto the floor.) Don’t eat that! (Runs to the bathroom as Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hey Rachel!

Rachel: Is Joey here?

Chandler: I don’t see him. (To Monica) Do you see him?

Monica: I don’t see him. Hey! Maybe he’s in the sugar bowl! (Opens the sugar bowl) Joey? Nope! (Closes the sugar bowl and they both laugh.)

Rachel: Well, at least you make each other laugh.

Monica: What’s up?

Rachel: Well, I haven’t seen him since that night that he told me how he y’know… I don’t know, I think he’s avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor?

Monica: We were playing a game.

Rachel: Ew, was Chandler naked? Sort of like a, like a ring toss kind of situation?

Monica: Sure.

Chandler: What?! No! No!

Rachel: All right. Well listen, if you see Joey will you just tell him uh…tell him I miss him. (Exits and Joey enters.)

Monica: (To Joey) Okay, did you hear that?

Joey: Yeah, a naked bagel game? (Picks up his dropped bagel.) (To Chandler) Dude, I don’t know. That’s a pretty small hole.

Monica: Honey, you gotta talk to her.

Joey: I can’t! Y’know? You guys don’t know what it’s like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.

Chandler: (incredulous) I don’t know what that’s like?! Up until I was 25 I thought the only response to, "I love you," was, "Oh crap!"

Monica: Hello? No rejection? I got shot down at fat camp! Boy, kids are mean when they’re hungry.

Joey: All right so, so what do I do?

Monica: This is Rachel. I mean, what are you gonna do, never going to talk to her again? I mean I know it’s weird, it’s awkward, but you gotta at least try.

Joey: Yeah. Okay. (Goes to take a bite out of the previously mentioned bagel.) Whoa! (Stops.) I almost forgot this was on your…

Chandler: (interrupting him) We didn’t play it!!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is holding a book as she, Rachel, and Monica drink some tea as Chandler looks on.]

Phoebe: Okay, so when you’re done with your tea I’ll look at your leaves and tell you your fortune.

Chandler: I didn’t know you read tea leaves.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, I’ve done it for years. I actually stopped because I was so accurate. Y’know, and-and y’know, one of the great joys of life is it’s-it’s wondrous unpredictability. Y’know? And also tea tends to give me the trots.

Monica: Okay, I’m done. Read mine.

Phoebe: Okay. (Looks at the leaves.) Ooh, I see a ladder. (Checks the book) Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death.

Monica: (stunned) I-I’m the head chef. I-I can’t get promoted.

Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm, who’s next?

Rachel: Okay, I’m done. Do mine.

Phoebe: Okay. (Reads the leaves) Umm, oh! Okay, I see a circle.

Rachel: Ah.

Phoebe: Oh! (Checking the book) Which can either mean you’re having a baby or you’re gonna make a scientific discovery!

Rachel: Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab.

Chandler: What does yours say Pheebs?

Phoebe: Umm… Wow, all right. (Checks the book.) Wow! Yay! Ooh, I’m gonna meet a guy! And really soon! And he’s gonna be the man of my dreams. Probably not the guy I had a dream about last night. (Points at Chandler.)

Ross: (entering) Hey! Has anyone seen my shirt? It’s a button down, like a, like a faded salmon?

Monica: You mean your pink shirt?

Ross: Faded salmon color.

Monica: No, I-I haven’t seen your pink shirt.

Ross: Great! Great. Then I must’ve left it at Mona’s. I knew it!

Chandler: Well, I’m sure you get another one at Ann Taylor’s.

Ross: That’s my favorite shirt! Okay? I love that shirt!

Rachel: Well just ask Mona to give it back!

Ross: I don’t know. I mean I-I guess I could. It’s just that we didn’t really end things such good terms. And if I go over there I’d be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up, jump up my own ass and die. (Walks away.)

Phoebe: (noticing a guy sitting by the green post looking at her) Oh wait a second you guys…for the last couple weeks I’ve been that guy everywhere I go. We take the same bus. We go to the same bookstore, the same dry cleaners; maybe he’s the tea guy. (He gets up to leave, and smiles at Phoebe.)

Chandler: Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally checked you out! He is so cute! (Looking at his tea.) Mine has a picture of The Village People, what does that mean?

(Joey enters.)

Rachel: Hi!

Joey: Hey.

(He slowly walks to the other side of the couch and sits down at the table, an awkward silence follows.)

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Hi.

(More awkward silence.)

Monica: Tea gives Phoebe the trots.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is cooking as Rachel paces nervously.]

Rachel: So I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out, but it’s not even like we know how to be with each other anymore.

Chandler: I know it’s tough now, but things will get better.

Rachel: How do you know that? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to the point where we can’t even be in the same room with each other?!

Chandler: I’m not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some cheese?

Monica: Honey, what is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Kat Stevens case?

Chandler: Let’s just say if I can’t find the right CD case I just put it in the nearest one.

Monica: Okay, where is the Kat Stevens CD?

Chandler: In the James Taylor case.

Monica: Where is the James Taylor CD?

Chandler: Honey, I’m gonna save you some time, 200 CDs, not one of them in the right case.

Monica: Okay. No need to panic. Deep breathes everyone. Okay umm uh, we’re just gonna have to spend some time and put the CDs in the right cases.

Chandler: Well, if we’re gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Y’know alphabetically or by genre?

Monica: Hmm, I don’t know. We really have to talk this through.

Rachel: Oh my God!! You guys have such problems!! I feel so terrible for you!

Monica: Okay, I-I’m sorry. You and Joey, your both focusing on this uncomfortable thing, what you need to do is to change the subject. Next time you see him try to get him talking about something else.

Rachel: Oh yeah. That makes sense.

Monica: Yeah, like I don’t know, maybe you have a work problem that you need his advice on.

Rachel: Ooh, I can do that.

Monica: Good. (To Chandler) Uh honey, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?

Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store (off Monica’s look) in exchange for money.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hi.

Monica: Uh I really don’t know what to tell you Rach, I really don’t. I mean, maybe Joey can help you out with your, with your big work problem.

Rachel: What?

Monica: Yeah Joey she’s…Rachel’s got this really big work problem, and it is a head scratcher. Wow! (To Chandler) Y’know what, if we’re gonna make dinner we’re gonna have to leave. Yeah. (She and Chandler exit.)

Joey: So you uh, have a…big work problem?

Rachel: Yeah it’s umm… Yeah it’s uh… It-it’s y’know—It’s nothing.

Joey: Huh. Okay. (Awkward silence.) So uh, I think I’m gonna take off.

Rachel: Yeah—No wait! Joey no wait it is. It’s something. It’s-it’s umm…it’s my boss.

Joey: Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah, and umm my baby.

Joey: Yeah?

Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby!

Joey: What?! Oh my-oh my God!

Rachel: I know I told you, it’s a really big problem.

Joey: What he wants to buy your baby?!

Rachel: Can you believe that?!

Joey: That’s crazy!

Rachel: That’s what I told him!

Joey: Okay, how did this even happen?

Rachel: Well I’ll tell ya! (Pause) See uh my-my boss and his wife—They-they can’t have children. So umm, and that—we were at the Christmas party, and he got drunk, and he said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby."

Joey: Man! When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby I figured it was something about maternity leave.

Rachel: Ohh! Yeah! (Pause) Yeah that-that would’ve been a much simpler problem.

[Scene: A newsstand, Phoebe is looking at a magazine as the guy from before walks by and picks up a newspaper.]

Phoebe: Oh hello.

Guy: Oh, it’s you. I see you everywhere. I’m Jim, Jim Nelson.

Phoebe: Oh Jim, Jim Nelson I’m Phoebe, Phoebe Buffay. We certainly have been seeing a lot of each other lately.

Jim: We have. Maybe we’ll be seeing each other at dinner tomorrow night, say around 8 o’clock?

Phoebe: Well, maybe we will. (Starts to walk away.) Oh! (She turns around and the exchange information.)

[Scene: Outside Mona’s Apartment, Ross is knocking on the door.]

Ross: Mona? (There’s no answer, so he starts to leave but remembers where her extra key is. He reaches atop a hall light just outside her door and grabs the key. He looks at in triumph as the pain from it being hot moves along his nervous system to his brain, and when it arrives his brain orders his hand to drop the hot key and his mouth to squeal in pain. After dropping the key he pulls his shirtsleeve over his hand and uses the key to open the door and enter Mona’s apartment.) Okay, if I were a salmon shirt, where would I be? (He hears a key in the door and as it opens he dives behind the couch.)

Mona: (entering, with her date) I am so sorry I spilled wine all over your shirt.

Mona's Date: Oh, it’s okay.

Mona: No, it’s still wet. Y’know what? Let me get it out before it sets. Ooh, I have something you can wear. Here. (Hands him Ross’s shirt.)

Mona's Date: Oh umm, I-I don’t know if I want to wear a woman’s shirt.

Mona: No-no that’s a man’s shirt.

Mona's Date: It’s awfully pink. (Ross mouths, "It’s salmon!")

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sorting their CDs.]

Chandler: Oh my God, honey we are so meant to be together. We both have copies of the Annie soundtrack.

Monica: Honey, both yours.

Rachel: (entering) Hey! Great advice on that Joey thing!

Monica: Yeah? The work problem?

Rachel: Oh it was perfect! I mean it really felt like he was my friend again.

Chandler: What problem did you tell him you had?

Rachel: Oh that’s not important. The point is, I really—I think everything’s gonna be okay.

[Scene: Mr. Zelner’s Office, he’s in a meeting as Joey bursts in.]

Mr. Zelner: May I help you?

Joey: Do you think you can just buy my friends baby?!

Commercial Break

[Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Jim are on their date.]

Phoebe: Isn’t it funny how we kept running into each other? It’s as if someone really wants us to be together.

Jim: Someone does. Me.

Phoebe: Oh, witty banter. Well done.

Jim: So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Phoebe: Oh okay, well I’m a masseuse, and I used to work at this place…

Jim: Do you like to party?

Phoebe: I-I-I like, I like parties.

Jim: You’re wild, aren’t ya?

Phoebe: Yeah I guess, a little.

Jim: It ain’t no thing, I’m wild too.

Phoebe: (a little freaked out) So! Umm, anyway I-I lived in New York, someone wildly I guess, for umm—Well since I was fourteen.

Jim: I’m sorry. I’m staring. It’s just that you have the most beautiful eyes.

Phoebe: Oh stop it.

Jim: And your breasts! Hmm!!!

Phoebe: Okay. Umm look, you’re coming on a little strong. But I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because it seems the universe really wants to be together. So, why don’t we just start over okay? And you can just tell me about yourself.

Jim: All right.

Phoebe: Okay.

Jim: I write erotic novels, for children.

Phoebe: What?!

Jim: They’re wildly unpopular.

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Jim: Oh also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D.

Phoebe: Wow! You do?

Jim: Yeah, (looks at his crotch) a Pretty Huge…

Phoebe: All right. (Gets up and walks out.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, and now Rachel are organizing CDs.]

Chandler: (singing) The sun’ll come out…tomorrow! Bet…your bottom dollar that tomorrow… (The girls start laughing, and in a deep voice) …there’ll be sun.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey! Oh Joey, honey listen, thank you for talking to my yesterday about that thing with my boss. That really meant a lot.

Joey: Not a problem. Oh, and just so you know, that guy’s not going to be bothering you about that baby thing anymore.

Rachel: (worried) What?

Joey: Let’s just say I took care of it.

Rachel: Whoa-whoa-whoa, let’s say more!

Joey: Don’t worry! Don’t worry. I just told him, very nicely, "You don’t go buying people’s babies, so back off!!"

Rachel: What?!

Chandler and Monica: What?!

Rachel: No! No, no-no-no Joey he doesn’t want to buy my baby! I made that up!

Joey: What?! Why?!

Rachel: So that we would have something to talk about! So it wouldn’t be awkward!

Joey: And you couldn’t think of anything else?!

Monica: You said your boss wants to buy your baby?!

Rachel: (To Joey) I can’t believe that you yelled at my boss! I’m-I’m gonna lose my job! What am I going to do?!

Chandler: You can always sell your baby.

Rachel: Oh Joey, I can’t believe you brought my boss into this! I’m gonna get fired!

Joey: You lied to me!

Rachel: Well, she told me too! (Points to Monica and Joey glares at her.)

Monica: Chandler has two copies of Annie!

[Scene: Mona’s Apartment, she and her date are making out as Ross flips through a magazine while lying behind the couch and sees something that he likes. Meanwhile, Mona’s date takes off Ross’s shirt and Mona throws it on the floor. While they start making out again, Ross tries to pull the rug the shirt is on over to him, but while he does that he moves the coffee table and it bumps into the couch.]

Mona: (seeing Ross) Oh my God! Ross!!!

Ross: Hello!!

Mona: Ross, what are you doing?!

Ross: Not touching myself if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.

[Scene: Mr. Zelner’s Office, Rachel is knocking on the door.]

Rachel: Morning. You wanted to see me?

Mr. Zelner: Please, come in. Have a seat. (She does so.)

Rachel: Okay look Mr. Zelner…

Mr. Zelner: Oh I think it’s best that I speak first.

Rachel: Yeah. (Motions for him to continue.)

Mr. Zelner: I’ve asked Lee from human resources to be here as a witness to our conversation.

Rachel: Oh God.

Mr. Zelner: If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby…I am sorry. Okay? Last week when I asked you when your due date was uh, I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was due your baby. Yeah, I want to be very clear that I understand that its your baby, and it is not mine to purchase.

Rachel: Well, as long as we are clear about that. (Exits smugly.)

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Monica are walking down it.]

Phoebe: Oh there it is.

Monica: That’s not your regular dry cleaners.

Phoebe: I know, but that creep that I went on that date with goes to there so I have to find a new one. I also have to find a new video store, a new bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store…

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: A new grocery store. The universe said I was going to meet a nice guy and that’s what they gave me? (Looks up) When I get up there I’m going to kick some ass.

Monica: Don’t worry Phoebe, you’re gonna meet someone. If I can meet a great guy, so can you.

Phoebe: Yeah, we both can. And we both will.

(They enter the dry cleaners.)

Phoebe: Oh, you didn’t have to come in with me.

Monica: Are you kidding? This is where they get out stains! Okay? This is like Disneyland for me. I’m-I’m gonna be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts. (She points to and walks over to the electric clothes rack they have.)

Phoebe: Okay.

(A guy enters that looks suspiciously like Alec Baldwin from The Hunt for Red October, Pearl Harbor, and Beetlejuice.)

Guy: (To Phoebe) Oh, excuse me! I think you dropped s…(looks at Phoebe.) Wow!

Phoebe: What?

Guy: I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re so incredibly beautiful.

Phoebe: Oh yeah well, I’m sorry about that too, but what are you going to do?

Guy: I hope you don’t think I’m crazy but I feel like I was meant to pick this up, do you believe in that kind of thing?

Phoebe: A little. (She turns around and looks up.) (To the universe) Now you’re talking.

Guy: Would you like to go out and have a cup of coffee?

Phoebe: I-I-I’d love to. Let me just tell my friend.

Monica: (to the clerk) Ooh, an ink stain! Hey, can I watch how you get this out?

Phoebe: (looking around) She must’ve left.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching Joey pace nervously as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: So? What-what-what happened?

Rachel: It’s all gonna be okay. They’re just so happy that I’m not suing them that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that the money should not construed as a down payment on this or any other child I should bear.

Chandler: Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going out of there way to show they’re not in the baby buying business.

Rachel: Chandler, can you give us a minute?

Chandler: Oh I’m sorry, you’re kicking me out of my own living room?

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: I’ll be in there. (Goes into the bedroom.)

Rachel: Joey, I’m really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things…

Joey: I know. I know.

Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean y’know, I don’t know about you buy I haven’t thought about our thing since all this.

Joey: Hey you’re right. Yeah, it’s kinda been like us again a little bit.

Rachel: Yeah I know! I miss that.

Joey: Me too. I mean I…haven’t thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn’t feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.

(Awkward silence.)

Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is ordering something over the phone from a catalog.]

Ross: (on phone) Item J437-A, color: winterberry. (There’s a knock on the door as he hangs up the phone. He answers it to Mona.) Hi umm, listen come here, come in. (She does so.) I’m so-so sorry about yesterday. I-I’m really sorry. It’s just that I… (He picks up the pink shirt.)

Mona: (interrupting him) Listen Ross, you don’t have to apologize. I understand why you were there.

Ross: You do?

Mona: Yeah, you still have feelings for me. And-and to be honest, I-I still have feelings for you. And I wish that we can work it out Ross, but we can’t. It’s too complicated with you and Rachel and the baby, I-I just… It just wasn’t meant to be.

Ross: (faking starting to cry) Oh God you’re right.

Mona: Ross, we…we have to be strong. Okay, I-I’m gonna go. (She picks up the shirt Ross has just set down.) Can I? To remember you?

Ross: (laughs) No. (Takes the shirt back.)

End

The One In Massapequa

Teleplay by: Mark Kunerth

Story by: Peter Tibbals

Transcribed by: Cassie

With Help From: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Phoebe: Oh, Ross, Mon, is it okay if I bring someone to your parent’s anniversary party?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: Sure. Yeah.

Joey: So, who’s the guy?

Phoebe: Well, his name is Parker and I met him at the drycleaners.

Chandler: Oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? (Sits up) Who said that?

Phoebe: Yeah, he’s really great though. He has this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty girl I am.

Monica: (To Ross) Oh, by the way. Would it be okay if I gave the toast to mom and dad this year?

Ross: Uh, yeah, you sure you want to after what happened at their 20th?

Monica: Yeah, I’d really like to.

Ross: Okay, hopefully this time mom won’t boo you.

Monica: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and it’s always really moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year I’m going to make them cry.

Chandler: And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?

Monica: No! Really! Any time Ross makes a toast everyone cries, and hugs him, and pats him on the back and they all come up to me and say, "God, your brother." Know what they’ll say this year? "God, you"

Joey: Well I can promise you, at least one person will be crying. (Points to himself) I’m an actor, and any actor worth himself can cry on cue. (snaps fingers)

Monica: Really you can do that?

Joey: Are you kidding me? Watch! (Makes funny faces trying to cry) Well I can’t do it with you guys watching me!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, they’re getting ready to leave for the party.]

Chandler: What are you doing?

Monica: Oh I’m working on my toast for the party, or as I like to call it. Sob fest 2002. Hey check this out. (Hands him a picture.)

Chandler: It’s a dog.

Monica: It’s a dead dog. That’s Chi-Chi; she died when I was in high school.

Chandler: It’s your parents’ anniversary and you’re going to talk about their dead pet?

Monica: The good stuff, huh?

(Ross, Joey, and Rachel enter)

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: You got a present for my parents. That’s so sweet.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, in honor of their 35th wedding anniversary, I had a star named after them.

Ross: Aww that is so cool.

Joey: And I got them a book on Karma Sutra for the elderly.

Rachel: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?

Chandler: Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testacles may be in here too.

Ross: (picking up Chi-Chi’s picture) Aww! Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog! Y’know Monica couldn’t get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.

Monica: What?!

Ross: You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her!

(Phoebe and Parker enter)

Phoebe: Hey!

All: Hi!

Phoebe: Everybody, this is Parker, Parker this is…

Parker: No, no, no wait! Don’t tell me. Let me guess. (Points as he says their names) Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel and, I’m sorry Phoebe didn’t mention you. (Chandler makes a face) Chandler, I’m kidding all ready you’re my favorite!

Chandler: Ha!

Parker: Why don’t all of you tell me a little about your self?

Ross: Ah, actually, I’m sorry we-we probably should get going.

Parker: (laughs) Classic Ross. Rachel, Rachel, oh how you glow. May I? (Puts hand on her stomach)

Rachel: I, uh, think you already are.

Parker: Rachel, you have life growing inside you. Is there anything in this world more miraculous than—Oh a picture of a dog! Whose is this?

Monica: That’s my old dog. He passed away years ago.

Parker: Oh well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow-wow old friend, bow-wow. So where’s the party?

Monica: It’s out on the island. It’s in Massapequa.

Parker: Maaaassapequa, sounds like a magical place. Tell me about Massapequa, is it steep in Native American history? {Transcriber’s Note: Interestingly Alec Baldwin was born in Massapequa.}

Ross: Well, there is an Arby’s in the shape of a tee-pee.

Monica: Okay, I got my note cards. (To Chandler) Do you got the presents?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: And I’ve got the car keys.

Parker: We’re driving!?

Monica: Yeah.

Parker: Aces!

(Everyone except Ross and Rachel leave.)

Ross: So uh, he seems like a nice guy.

Rachel: Yeah, yeah I like him a lot.

Ross: Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab?

Rachel: Yeah, otherwise I’m not going.

[Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel are arriving and see his parents.]

Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Hi

Ross: Hi! (Kisses his mom.) Hey mom.

Rachel: This is such a great party! 35 years. Very impressive, do you guys have any pearls of wisdom?

Mrs. Geller: Jack?

Mr. Geller: Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick? (Looking a toothpick)

Ross: That’s a good question, dad. That’s a good question…

Rachel: Hmmm….

Woman: (To Ross and Rachel) Congratulations you two!

Rachel: Thank you…we’re so excited

Woman: And also, congratulations on your wedding.

Ross: Wha—What?

Mrs. Geller: Can we talk to you for just a y’know… It’s just a little thing. Well we think it’s absolutely marvelous that you’re having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why we’ve told them all that you’re married.

Ross and Rachel: What?!

Mrs. Geller: Thanks for going along with this.

Ross: Dad so what we have to pretend that we’re married?

Mr. Geller: Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.

Ross: Can you believe that?

Rachel: Yeah, if you’re going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nosal area.

Ross: No, us having to lie about being married.

Rachel: No, I know I don’t either, but ya know what, it’s their party, and it’s just one night. And we don’t even have to lie; we just won’t say anything. If it comes up again, we’ll just…smile. We’ll nod along.

Woman: Ross!

Man: Rachel!

Ross: Hi Aunt Lisa, Uncle Dan

Aunt Lisa: Congratulations on the baby, and on the wedding

Ross and Rachel: Hmmmm….

Uncle Dan: Here’s a little something to get you started. (Hands them a check)

Rachel: Oh…

Aunt Lisa: So, how’s married life treating you?

Rachel: (looking at the check) Unbelievable!

Ross: We love marriage!

Aunt Lisa: Great!

(The rest of the gang arrives including Parker.)

Ross: Hey

Phoebe: Hey!

Parker: What a beautiful place. What a great night! I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C…I feel so lucky. I think of all the good times that have happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and bat, but none of them will compare with tonight! My God, I don’t want to forget this moment! It’s like I want to take a mental picture of you all! Click! (He takes a mental picture of them all.)

Chandler: I don’t think the flash went off.

Parker: Dahaaa! (Punches Chandler in the arm and he makes a face of pain.) I’m going to find the men’s room, be right back.

Phoebe: I’ll go with you

Parker: Come on!

Chandler: Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.

Joey: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I don’t want him complimenting my thing.

Ross: I’m so we weren’t in the car! Did he ever let up?

Monica: He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle.

Ross: (imitating Parker) This room! This night! That waiter! His shoes! I must take a mental picture! (He backs into someone.) Ooh sorry…(He looks behind him then notices its Phoebe then stops his impression.)

Phoebe: Were you guys making fun of Parker?

Ross: That depends, how much did you hear?

Phoebe: So, he a little enthusiastic, what’s wrong with that?

Monica: It’s just that, it’s so much.

Phoebe: Well, so what I like him! Do I make fun of the people you’ve dated? Tag, Janice, Mona? No, because friends don’t do that. But, do you want my opinion? Do you want it? ‘Cause in my opinion, your collective dating record reads like the who’s who of human crap. (Walks off)

Monica: I feel terrible.

Joey: I know

Ross: What was wrong with Mona?

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel have just gotten another wedding present.]

Rachel: Open it! Open it! Open it!

Ross: Yeah baby!

Man: So we never got to hear about your wedding!

Woman: We were surprise that we weren’t invited.

Ross: No, no, it was just our parents and 1 or 2 friends. It was a small wedding.

Rachel: But it was beautiful. I mean it was small, but kind of spectacular.

Man: Where did you have it?

Rachel: On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and Stevie Wonder sang Isn’t She Lovely as I walked down the aisle.

Woman: Really?

Rachel: Yeah, Stevie’s an old family friend. (Hits Ross’s chest)

Woman: Oh my God. That sounds amazing. I would love to see pictures.

Rachel: So would I. You wouldn’t think that Annie Liebawitz would forget to put film in the camera.

Ross: Would you excuse us for a second? (Pulls Rachel off to the side) Umm…. what are you doing?

Rachel: What? I’m not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have. I want it to be amazing.

Ross: Okay, okay. Ooooh, ooh maybe I rode in on a Harley.

Rachel: Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.

(Cut to Phoebe and Parker)

Parker: Are you okay? You seem kind of quiet.

Phoebe: No, I’m fine. I’m great. I’m with you.

Parker: And I’m with you! What a great time to be alive! Look at this plate-bouncy thing. (Bounces the plates) What an inspired solution to man’s plate dispensing problems.

Phoebe: Hm huh, yeah.

Parker: Ah! Oysters! Let me feed you one.

Phoebe: No, that’s not necessary.

Parker: Please.

Phoebe: No, actually I don’t eat…

Parker: I won’t quit until you try.

Phoebe: Okay, fine! Fine! (Takes the oyster and pretends to eat it while dropping it on the floor) Mmm…hmmmmm….

Parker: What are they like? I’ve never had one.

Phoebe: Why don’t you just try one?

Parker: No, they look too weird.

(Cut to Monica and Chandler)

Chandler: What are you doin’?

Monica: Just going over my toast. Those two will never know what hit ‘em. I can’t wait. They’re going to be crying so hard. They’re going to be fighting for breath.

Chandler: Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could (Punches the air).

(Cut to Rachel and Ross)

Rachel: And my veil was lace, made by blind, Belgium nuns.

Woman: Blind?

Rachel: Well, not at first, but it was very intricate work and they said even though they lost their sight, it was all worth it.

Aunt Lisa: I’ll bet you looked beautiful…

Rachel: Well, I don’t know about that, but some said that I looked like a floating angel.

Woman: (To Ross) So, how did you propose?

Rachel: Oh yeah. That’s a great story.

Ross: Well, um, actually, I-I took her to the planetarium. That’s-that’s where we had our first date. Um, she walked in and I had the room filled with lilies, her favorite flower…

Aunt Lisa: Oh that is so sweet!

Rachel: Shhh! I want to hear the rest!

Ross: Then, Fred Astaire singing The Way You Look Tonight came on the sound system, and the lights came down. And I got down on one knee and written across the dome in the stars were the words "Will you marry me?"

(Various oohs and ahhs)

Rachel: And the ring, was the size of my fist (makes a fist)!

(Cut to Phoebe and Joey)

Joey: Yeah uh, Phoebe! Look umm, I want to apologize about before, okay? We were being jerks. Parker’s a nice guy and I’d like to get to know him.

Phoebe: Then you better do it now.

Joey: Why?

Phoebe: Because I’m going to kill him

Joey: What-what?

Phoebe: You guys were right. He’s just too excited about…everything. I mean I’m all for living life, but this is the Geller’s 35th anniversary. Okay? Let’s call a spade a spade this party stinks.

Joey: I know I’m having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!

Phoebe: Are you sure it wasn’t an oyster?

Joey: I guess it could’ve been, I didn’t really look at it. Y’know, I just wiped it on Chandler’s coat and got the hell out of there.

Phoebe: He’s just such a great guy I’m so excited about him.

Joey: Oh hey, you should be excited about him. There’s nothing wrong with him he’s a good guy.

Phoebe: You think?

Joey: Yeah. Ya know what I think; I think we were all just being too negative.

Phoebe: You’re right. You’re right, he’s just embracing life. We could all stand to be a little more like Parker. You know what? I am like him! I’m a sunny, positive person.

Joey: Actually, you have a little bit of an edge.

Phoebe: What’s that now?

Joey: Nothing…

Phoebe: Oh look it’s Parker!

Parker: Look! It’s the bunny hop!

Phoebe: Oooh I love it!

Parker: You do?!

Phoebe: Are you kidding? People acting like animals to music. Come on!

(Cut to Monica, at the microphone)

Monica: Okay it’s time for the toast! Umm now-now, I know that Ross usually gives the toast, but this year I’m going to do it.

(Everyone sighs)

Monica: No, no it’s going to be great. Really! Mom, Dad, when I got married, one of the things that made me sure I could do it was the amazing example the two of you set for me. For that and so many other things I want to say thank you. I know I probably don’t say it enough, but I love you. (Pretends to cry hoping her parents will join her.) When I look around this room, I’m-I’m saddened by the thought of those who could not be here with us. Nana, my beloved grandmother who would so want to be here, but she can’t because she’s dead. As is our dog Chi-Chi. I mean look how cute she is. (Holds up the picture and pretends to cry again). Was. (To an old man by the stage.) Do me a favor and pass this to my parents. Remember she’s dead. Okay, her and Nana, gone. Wow! Hey does anybody remember when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her children in Terms of Endearment? (Chandler covers his ears) Didn’t see that? No movie fans?! You want to hear something sad? The other day I was watching 60 Minutes these orphans in Romania, who have been so neglected, they were incapable of love. (Waits for people to cry, but doesn’t get any tears.) You people are made of stone! Here’s to mom and dad! Whatever!

Mrs. Geller: Thank you Monica that was uh, interesting. Wasn’t it interesting, Jack?

Mr. Geller: (looking at the picture) Why don’t I remember this dog?

Mrs. Geller: Ross, why don’t you give us your toast now?

Ross: Oh, no, Mom, it’s just Monica this year.

Mrs. Geller: You’re not going to say anything? On our 35th wedding anniversary

Ross: No, of course, Um… Um, everybody? Um, I-I just wanted to say…on behalf of my new bride, Rachel (She turns around and smiles), and myself. Umm, that if…if in 35 years, we’re half as happy as you guys are, we’ll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world.

Mrs. Geller: (crying) Oh Ross…

Mr. Geller: I just wish Nana were alive to hear Ross’s toast.

[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, Parker and her are entering.]

Parker: My God what a fantastically well lit hallway!

Phoebe: Can I get you something to drink? Like a water and Valium?

Parker: I must say this apartment, its, its, There are no words…

Phoebe: Oh thank God.

Parker: It’s a haven. A third-floor paradise. A modern-day Eden in the midst…

Phoebe: Yeah? I know! I know! Uh huh? Listen why don’t we just um, sit and relax? You know just be with each other. Quietly!

Parker: That sounds great. (Sits down) My God this is the most comfortable couch I’ve ever sat on in my entire life. (Bounces on couch)

Phoebe: Let’s try something else, let’s play a game.

Parker: I love games!

Phoebe: Shocking! Let’s play the game of who can stay quiet the longest. (Giggles)

Parker: Or…Jenga.

Phoebe: But, let’s play this one first. And remember whoever talks first loses!

(They sit back)

Parker: I lose, now Jenga.

Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God!

Parker: Is something wrong?

Phoebe: Wrong? Really? You know the word wrong. Everything isn’t perfect? Everything isn’t magical? Everything isn’t a glow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker!

Parker: Well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam!

Phoebe: You don’t have to put a good spin on everything.

Parker: I’m sorry that’s who I am. I’m a positive person.

Phoebe: No! I am a positive person. You are like Santa Clause on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting laid!

Parker: So what do you want me to do, you want me to be more negative, less happy?

Phoebe: Much less happy!

Parker: Fine! Well then to quote Ross, "I’d better be going."

Phoebe: So long! Don’t let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out! (He exits and she slams the door behind him.)

(There’s a knock on door, and Phoebe opens it.)

Parker: Isn’t this the most incredible fight you’ve ever had in your entire life?

Phoebe: Uh huh. (Closes door)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, they’re returning from the party.]

Ross: …and then, we could’ve gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar!

Rachel: Ross, it just wouldn’t have been feasible.

Ross: But having a dove place the ring on your finger would’ve been no problem?

Rachel: It was really fun being married to you tonight.

Ross: Yeah! And! And, it was the easiest 400 bucks I’ve ever made.

Rachel: Okay Ross, can I uh, can I ask you something?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: That proposal, at the planetarium…

Ross: I know, I know it was stupid.

Rachel: Are you kidding?! With the, with the lilies, and-and the song, and the stars! It was…really wonderful! Did you just make that up?

Ross: No, actually I thought about it when, when we were going out. It’s how I imagined I uh, I would ask you to marry me.

Rachel: Well, that would’ve been very hard to say no too.

Ross: It’s a good thing I didn’t do it, because it sounds like it would’ve been a very expensive wedding. (Rachel laughs) Okay, good night

Rachel: Goodnight

(They go off to their bedrooms)

Ross: Even if the sidecar had a windscreen so your hair wouldn’t get messed up?

Rachel: I will think about it.

Ross: That’s all I’m askin’

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are there.]

Monica: Okay that’s it. I give up. At mom and dad’s 40th anniversary, you’re the one giving the speech.

Ross: Y’know I don’t understand why they didn’t cry. It was a beautiful speech.

Monica: Oh, come on.

Ross: Hey! All that stuff you said about true love, you were right, I mean, we did learn a lot from Mom and Dad! And that picture of Chi-Chi with her mischievous grin. And what you said about Nana. Ohh, yeah she really would’ve wanted to be there. And you know what? I think she was.

Monica: (starts to cry) Oh good God, Ross! How the hell do you do it?

End

The One With Joey’s Interview

Written by: Doty Abrams

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, guineapig, Josh Hodge, Aaron D. Howard-Miller, and Kiza Abuzahra.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone except Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a magazine.]

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: So, I’m in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down. (She hands the magazine to Joey.)

Joey: (reading) Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani. That’s me!! I’m blank!!

Monica: How cool is this?! We know three down! I’m touching three down! (She has her hand on his shoulder.)

Joey: Yeah you are baby.

Monica: Three down knows I’m married, what’s three down doin’?

Rachel: So did they call you to tell you your name’s gonna be in this?

Joey: No. They really like me over there. They want to do a big profile on me, but I said no.

Ross: Why’d you say no?

Joey: Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time.

Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say. (Joey nods his agreement.)

Rachel: Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus y’know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And if you do the interview you can mention, oh I don’t know, gal pal Rachel Green?

Chandler: Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?

Rachel: Okay, don’t listen to him. Please?

Joey: Fine! All right, I’ll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I y’know, start to say something stupid.

Ross: Just then or-or all the time, ‘cause we-we have jobs y’know.

Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! I’m gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you.

Joey: Yeah.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there for his interview and everyone but Phoebe are hiding on the couch.]

The Interviewer: I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.

Joey: Oh, not at all. Happy to do it.

[Cut to the rest of the gang sitting low on the couch and craning their necks to watch the interview.]

Monica: (To Chandler) You think we’re being obvious?

Chandler: No, we’re just four people with neck problems. You talk like this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.)

[Cut to the interview.]

The Interviewer: (To Joey) Y’know I think its great you wanted to meet here. Y’know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they want to go to a big fancy restaurant.

Joey: (laughs) Actually, I didn’t know the magazine was paying for it. Wouldn’t have mattered, I’m doing this for the fans, not for the free food.

Gunther: Can I get you anything?

The Interviewer: Umm, I’ll have a cup of coffee.

Joey: And I’ll have all the muffins.

[Cut to the gang.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Shhh! We’re not talking.

Phoebe: Oh. Finally! Oh. (Sits back in relief.)

[Cut to the interview.]

The Interviewer: So, according to your bio, you’ve done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives. Anything you’re particularly proud of?

[This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The One With The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.]

Joey: (He goes into a song and dance number)

All you want is a dingle,

What you envy's a schwang,

A thing through which you can tinkle,

Or play with, or simply let hang...

[The next one is from Episode 304: The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel, Joey is on Amazing Discoveries.]

Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.

Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!

Mike: And there is Kevin.

[Cut forward.]

Mike: This is the first time he’s ever used this product, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (To Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.

Joey: (finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (Starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.

(The crowd ahhs.)

[The next one is from Episode 322: The One With The Screamer, it’s the end of Joey’s play.]

Lauren: So this is it? Victor?

Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But I won’t have aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne… baby…I’m gonna want to meet her.

(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7.)

[The next one is from Episode 204: The One With Phoebe’s Husband, when everyone including Julie is watching Joey in his porno.]

Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do…so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for the paper tray.

Chandler: Nice work my friend.

Joey: Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am…

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: Well, there are so many things, it’s hard to pick just one.

[Cut to the gang.]

Phoebe: I’m gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything?

Rachel: Oh yeah, I’d actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea.

Ross: Uh, double latte, extra foam.

Chandler: And a bagel with only…

Phoebe: (interrupting him) I was just being polite!

[Cut to the interview.]

The Interviewer: Okay, how about when you’re not working. What do you do in your spare time?

[This starts another series of flashbacks about Joey’s hobbies. The first one is from Episode 703: The One With Phoebe’s Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.]

Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway?

Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.

Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. (Points to the coast.)

[The next one is from Episode 603: The One With Ross’s Denial, Joey is amazing Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!

(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.)

Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?!

[The next one is from Episode 507: The One Where Ross Moves In.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.]

Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?

Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun!

Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?

Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!

(Chandler does so.)

[The next one is from Episode 417: The One With The Free Porn, Chandler and Joey are lamenting the fact that every beautiful woman they see doesn’t want to have sex right then and there like in porn.]

Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn.

Joey: I think you’re right.

(Goes over and picks up the remote.)

Chandler: All right, ready?

Joey: One.

Chandler: Two.

Both: Three.

(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)

Joey: That’s kinda nice.

Chandler: Yeah, that’s kinda a relief.

Joey: Yeah.

(Pause.)

Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?

Joey: Yeah.

(Chandler turns on the TV and…)

Chandler: FREE PORN!!!

Joey: Yeah!!

Chandler: We have free porn here!!!

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: In my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And I’m also a mento for the kids.(The gang shake their heads.) Y’know a mento, a role model. (Chandler bites his fist to keep from talking.)

The Interviewer: A mento…

Joey: Right.

The Interviewer: Like the candy?

Joey: Matter of fact, I do.

(Chandler tries to jump over the couch but everyone stops him.)

The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime?

Joey: Uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots of exercise.

[Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode 521: The One With The Ball, Joey and Ross are throwing a ball around.]

Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?

Ross: Are you serious?!

Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.

Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this!

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!

Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!

[The next one is from Episode 604: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]

Chandler: What’s wrong with you?

Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious.

Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you—Go to the doctor!

Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.) Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!

[The next one is from Episode 609: The One Where Ross Got High, Rachel is describing her desert to Joey and Ross.]

Rachel: It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch. [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sautéed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something’s wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!

[Time lapse, Ross and Joey are eating Rachel’s disaster.]

Ross: It tastes like feet!

Joey: I like it.

Ross: Are you kidding?

Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goooooood.

[The next one is from Episode 619: The One With Joey’s Fridge.]

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isn’t doing all that well.]

Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar?

Chandler: That’s still in there?!

Joey: Not anymore.

[The next one is from Episode 711: The One With All the Cheesecakes.]

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.]

Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it!

Chandler: Stick to your side!

Rachel: Hey, come on now!

(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)

Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin’? (Starts digging in.)

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: Uhh, I don’t believe in these crazy diets y’know, just everything in moderation.

Gunther: Your muffins. (Sets down a huge plate of muffins in front of Joey.)

Joey: I’ll take those to go. (To the interviewer) For the kids.

The Interviewer: Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. You were on the show years ago and then they killed you off. What happened there?

Joey: It was so stupid, I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn’t have said. But believe me, that’s not gonna happen today.

The Interviewer: Understood. So, what’d you say back then?

Joey: Well, I said that I… (The gang jumps up and interrupts him.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Joey: You guys, this is Shelley, she’s interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest, and Shelley, this are my friends…

Rachel: (interrupting him) Hi! I’m gal pal Rachel Green, and if you want the dirt, I’m the one you come too. This might be Joey’s baby (rubbing her stomach), who knows? I’m just kidding—Seriously, (leans into the cassette recorder Shelley is using) gal pal Rachel Green.

Ross: (leaning into the recorder as well) Who just lost the respect of her unborn child.

The Interviewer: Umm, I’m gonna just go get this warmed up. (She takes her coffee mug up to the counter.)

Joey: Okay.

Monica: Joey! You’re doing great!

Ross: Yeah, so far nothing stupid.

Chandler: Mento?

Joey: No thanks.

The Interviewer: (returning) So, as Joey’s friends, is there anything that you guys think our readers ought to know?

Ross: Uh no, no just-just that he is a great guy.

Rachel: (scoffs at him) Yeah, that’s gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest. Well I…(leans into the microphone again)…I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.

Phoebe: Umm, I…I just think you don’t expect someone so hot to be so sweet.

The Interviewer: Oh! I like that. What’s your name?

Phoebe: Umm, Phoebe Buffay.

The Interviewer: How do you spell that? So we can get it right.

Phoebe: Oh okay, it’s P as in Phoebe, H as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E as in ebe, B as in bee-bee and E as in (In an Australian accent) ‘Ello there mate!

The Interviewer: Great! Well, it was nice meeting all of you.

Ross: Yeah, you too.

Rachel: You too!

Chandler: Thanks.

Monica: Bye. (They resume their previous positions.)

The Interviewer: So it seems like you have a lot of friends, who would you say is your best friend?

[They gang all lean back to listen better, and this starts another series of flashbacks. The first one is from Episode 214: The One With The Prom Video, Rachel has just found the bracelet that Joey gave Chandler, which is after he bought one to replace it.]

Joey: How come you have two?

Chandler: Well this one's for you.

Joey: Get out.

Chandler: No, I can't. No-no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, (Puts bracelet on Joey) it's about you and me and the fact that we're (Reading bracelet) best buds.

Joey: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.

Chandler: That's what they'll call us.

[The next one is from Episode 618: The One Where Ross Dates A Student.]

[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.]

Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry!

Joey: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it.

Rachel: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain!

Joey: Rach! Hey! It’s fine! You’re at Joey’s!

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.)

Rachel: I’ve never lived like this before.

Joey: I know.

(Rachel throws some of hers down.)

Joey: All right, don’t waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and eats it.)

[The next one is from Episode 224: The One With Barry And Mindy’s Wedding, Joey has to kiss a guy in an audition and has been trying to find one to practice with.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters]

Ross: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and damnit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).

Joey: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.

[The next one is from Episode 512: The One With Chandler’s Work Laugh, Joey and Phoebe are betting on who will reach the treat the fastest, the chick or the duck.]

Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)

Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!

Joey: Judge rules, no violation.

Phoebe: Ohhh.

Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!

Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton!

Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.

Phoebe: Ohh, tough call.

Joey: Yeah.

[The next one is from Episode 401: The One With The Jellyfish, where Monica, Joey, and Chandler are relating that tragic day they spent on the beach.]

Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...

Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (Stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!

Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!

Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t...bend that way. So... (Looks at Joey.)

Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!

Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you!

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: Umm, no. No best friend, no. Just a lot of close friends.

The Interviewer: So umm, now back to the show. How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base?

Joey: Really? Me? Wow! I don’t even know any huge gay people!

[Cut to the gang.]

Chandler: It hurts me. It physically hurts me.

[Cut to the interview.]

The Interviewer: Now, off the record, you’re not…

[Another group of flashbacks begin with Episode 513: The One With Joey’s Bag. Joey is carrying the bag and has entered Central Perk to the amusement of Ross and Chandler.]

Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!

Ross: Your make-up!

[The next one is from Episode 712: The One Where They’re Up All Night, Joey and Ross are deciding how to climb down the final part of the fire escape.]

Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face.

Joey: I think face to face.

Ross: I would say that.

Joey: Face to face, yeah!

Ross: Okay, here I go.

Joey: All right.

(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey’s chest.)

Joey: (grunting) Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?!

Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight.

(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey’s torso, but that doesn’t work very well and he’s forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross’s crotch.)

Joey: Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through.

[The next one is from Episode 722: The One With Chandler’s Dad.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he’s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!

Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.

[The next one is from Episode 608: The One With Ross’s Teeth, Chandler is accusing Joey of becoming less of a man.]

Chandler: You’re turning into a woman.

Joey: No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean.

Chandler: Now I’ve upset you? What did I say?

Joey: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it… Oh My God, I’m a woman!!!

[The next one is from Episode 706: The One With The Nap Partners.]

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]

Joey: Great nap.

Ross: It really was.

(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: Uh me? Gay? No! No. No, but I have a number of close friends who are. (Chandler and Ross look at each other.)

The Interviewer: So, let’s talk about women. I’m sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life.

[Another series of flashbacks begins with Episode 413: The One With Rachel’s Crush, Joey is telling Rachel and Phoebe how he picks up women.]

Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin’?"

Phoebe: Oh, please!

Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin’?

(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)

[The next one is from Episode 605: The One With Joey's Porsche.]

[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]

Joey: Hey! How you doin’?

Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!

Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)

[The next one is from Episode 613: The One With Rachel’s Sister, Chandler has just opened the door to reveal a woman standing there.]

Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister.

Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!

Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!

(They run and hug each other.)

Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!

Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.)

Jill: Hi!

Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!

Ross: Hi Jill.

Rachel: And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey.

Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’?

Rachel: Don’t!! (Joey backs away frightened.)

[The final one is from Episode 607: The One Where Phoebe Runs, Joey has been trying to repel Janice and sees it’s not working to his liking so he’s confronting her about the sexual tension.]

Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you.

Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.

Janine: I don't think so.

Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin?

Janine: I'm okay.

Joey: What?!?! Oh dear God!

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: Not much to tell there I’m really shy.

(The gang is confused.)

The Interviewer: So, that’s it. I guess that’s all I need. Thank you so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month.

Joey: Oh great! Great! Thank you. (They shake hands.)

The Interviewer: Bye.

Joey: Bye-bye. (The interviewer leaves and he sits down with the rest of the gang.) I did it!

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: Amazing! Amazing!

The Interviewer: (returning) Oh wait! I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this. Other than Days of Our Lives, what’s your favorite soap opera?

Joey: Oh, I don’t watch soap operas. Excuse me, I have a life, y’know?

(The gang is disappointed.)

The Interviewer: Thank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to hear that.

Joey: Oh, good to know. (The interviewer leaves.) So close!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is reading Joey’s interview.]

Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe they didn’t put it in the part where you said you didn’t watch soap operas.

Joey: Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was just joking. She was pretty nice about that.

Monica: You slept with her didn’t you?

Joey: Little bit, yeah.

Ross: Wow! This picture of you sure is steamy.

Joey: Oh yeah, that’s just a little something for my huge gay fan base. (Winks at him.)

Ross: Did you just wink at me?

Joey: Hey, you’re the one that loves the picture.

End

The One With The Baby Shower

Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for Rachel’s baby shower.]

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: So what’s the final head count on my baby shower?

Phoebe: About twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do.

Monica: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it.

Rachel: What?! You mean they’re not coming to a social event where there’s no men and there’s no booze?! That’s shocking! I don’t care, as long as my mom’s here.

Monica: Oh my God, your mother!

Rachel: What?! My mom’s not gonna be here?!

Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.

Rachel: My God!

Monica: Well it wasn’t my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations!

Phoebe: Well I don’t, I don’t have a mother so often I forget that other people…

Monica: (interrupting her) Oh give it a rest!

Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?!

Phoebe: No. (Pause) Neither is mine.

Monica: Okay, y’know what? Don’t worry, okay? We’ll take care of it. We’ll call her. Just go home and get ready.

Rachel: Please, make sure she comes. It’s really important to me, I mean it’s my mom!

Phoebe: I know. I know, what’s her number?

Rachel: I don’t know.

Monica: Go! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel leaves and Monica calls Mrs. Green.) (To Phoebe) Wait a minute! If you’re in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call her—Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it’s Monica Geller.

Mrs. Green: Oh, hello Monica.

Monica: (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we’ve decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.

Mrs. Green: I know, my daughter’s told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.

Monica: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m-I’m so sorry.

Mrs. Green: For what dear? For not inviting me or lying about it?

Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh my God, my ass is sweating! (on phone) Please! Please! Can you come? It’s today at four.

Mrs. Green: Well all right. I’ll see you at four.

Monica: Thank you. (Hangs up.)

Phoebe: Isn’t it at three?

Monica: Son of a bitch! (Calls Mrs. Green again.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey's Apartment, Joey is reading a script as Ross and Chandler enter carrying a basketball.]

Chandler: Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some hoops?

Joey: Oh no, I can’t go. I’m practicing; I got an audition to be the host of a new game show.

Ross: Oh cool!

Chandler: That’s great.

Joey: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day I’ll (In a sexy voice) Dr. Drake Remoray, but by night I’ll be (In an announcer’s voice) Joey Trrrribbiani!

Chandler: You’ll be perfect for this! That’s already your name!

Joey: But the audition’s in a couple hours and I don’t even understand the game.

Ross: Well do you want some help?

Joey: Oh really? That’d be great! You guys can be the contestants!

Ross: Awesome!

Chandler: Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.

Joey: (announcer voice) All right! Let’s play Bamboozled!

Chandler: Bamboozled?

Joey: Yeah, isn’t that a cool name?

Ross: (simultaneously with Chandler) Yeah!

Chandler: (simultaneously with Ross) No!

Joey: All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don’t you tell us a little something about you Ross?

Ross: Well uh, I-I’m a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! (Waves.) And uh…

Joey: I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler?

Chandler: Well Joey, I’m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.)

Joey: Excellent! Let’s play Bamboozled! Chandler, you’ll go first. What is the capital of Columbia?

Chandler: Bogota.

Joey: It’s Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango card.

Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do?

Joey: I should know that. Let’s see, just one moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.

Chandler: Higher or lower than what?

Joey: This is embarrassing. (Looks it up.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is?

Ross: I’m sorry, I don’t believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel’s baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen.]

Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five. That’s good right?

Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate!

Phoebe: What? He’s gonna be dressed as a baby! (Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi Mrs. Green!

Monica: Hi!

Phoebe: I’m so glad you could make it.

Monica: Yes, thank you so much. And again, we’re so sorry. We could not feel worse about it.

Mrs. Green: Try. There’s my little girl. (Goes over to Rachel.)

Monica: She’s still mad.

Phoebe: Yeah I know. Isn’t it great? One less person we have to make small talk with.

Monica: Phoebe, Sandra’s mad at you too. It-it doesn’t bother you?

Phoebe: No look, we’ve apologized twice! I can’t do anymore than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it.

Monica: Okay. I can do that. (Pause) I gotta go powder my ass.

[Cut to Rachel and Mrs. Green.]

Mrs. Green: Look at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I didn’t know better I’d say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on, let’s get some tea.

Rachel: Okay. (Mrs. Green helps her up and they walk over and get some tea.)

Mrs. Green: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I don’t want you to use your housekeeper ‘cause it would just split her focus.

Rachel: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I don’t even have a housekeeper.

Mrs. Green: It’s like you’re a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don’t know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay.

Rachel: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. (I think that’s your mother’s crazy.)

Mrs. Green: Such a sweet woman.

Rachel: Well, however great she was I just can’t afford that.

Mrs. Green: Oh Rachel!

Rachel: What?

Mrs. Green: I just had the greatest idea! I’m gonna come live with you!

Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What?

Mrs. Green: Oh, I’m so happy I’m gonna do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes.

Rachel: Yes. Yes I do.

[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing Bamboozled.]

Joey: All right Ross you’re in the lead, would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?

Ross: The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, I’ll take another question.

Joey: Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath.

Ross: It’s okay, I’m ready.

Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until you’re ready to answer the question.

Chandler: This is ridiculous, he’s not gonna hold his breath… (Ross cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.)

Joey: Okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, Tris…Holy cow, that’s a big word. Trisc… Seriously look at this thing. Chandler, how do you say that?

Chandler: Let me see that.

Joey: This one right here. (Ross whines.)

Chandler: Triscadecaphobia.

Ross: (exhaling) The fear of Triscuts!

Joey: No! No, fear of the number 13.

Chandler: Fear of Triscuts?

Ross: It’s possible, they have really sharp edges.

Joey: All right Chandler, you’re up.

Ross: Wait a minute, I-I believe I’m entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn?

Chandler: This game makes no sense!

Ross: Y’know what? You’re just upset because you’re losing.

Chandler: Oh come on Ross, I think we’re all losers here.

Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.

Chandler: Let me think. Let me think—Oh! I don’t care.

Joey: You-you must choose Mr. Bing.

Chandler: Either, it makes no difference.

Joey: Choose, you jackass!

Chandler: I’ll take a card.

Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross’s points!

Ross: What?!

Chandler: This game is kinda fun.

Ross: (To Chandler) You don’t think it’s a little crazy that you get all my points just ‘cause you…

Chandler: I don’t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to Monica and Phoebe.]

Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?!

Monica: What?

Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.

Phoebe: For how long?

Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.

Monica: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.

Phoebe: She can’t hear you.

Rachel: What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do?

Phoebe: Well, if you don’t want your mother to move in with you, just tell her.

Rachel: You’re right. You’re right. I mean I’m about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don’t want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! She’s gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!

Monica: That’s right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you don’t want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer!

Rachel: Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.)

Monica: (To Phoebe) This is great! Now she’s gonna be mad at Rachel! Y’know what? And I’m just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.

Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! It’s time to open the presents!

Monica: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you’re the most important person in this room. And in the world!

Mrs. Green: Well uh, I don’t have a gift because I wasn’t invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone’s attention.

Phoebe: How about you less important people, let’s open your presents!

(Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel follows her.)

Rachel: Mom that’s okay that you didn’t get you a gift!

Mrs. Green: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me.

Rachel: Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own.

Mrs. Green: Sweetheart I know you’re gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning.

Rachel: But mom, I really know what I’m doing. I can handle this.

Mrs. Green: Really? Remember Twinkles?

Rachel: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby!

Phoebe: Okay, come on Rach it’s present time! Y’know you’re the glue that’s holding this whole party together. It’s kinda falling apart here.

Mrs. Green: Oh look.

Rachel: Wow!

Phoebe: Okay, this is from your friend at work.

Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (She’s holding an item with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That can’t be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby?

Mrs. Green: Darling, that’s a breast pump!

Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow! What’s this?

Woman: It’s a diaper genie.

Rachel: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers!

Woman: No! It’s where you put the dirty ones!

Rachel: Well that’s gross, why don’t you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster?

Mrs. Green: Oh you’re gonna do that ten times a day?

Rachel: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?!

Mrs. Green: No dear, that’s what babies do.

Monica: Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart.

Mrs. Green: Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you’re trotting out to the garbage ten times a day?

Rachel: I don’t know, I’d leave it on the changing table? (Everyone gasps.) What?! What’d I do? What’d I do?!

Mrs. Green: You can’t leave a baby alone!

Rachel: Oh come—(Stutters)—Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who would—she wouldn’t be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Y’know what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I’m just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful.

Woman: It’s actually a bassinet.

Rachel: Okay mommy, don’t ever leave me. (Hugs her.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really into it.]

Joey: (To Chandler) In what John Houston film would you hear this line, "Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!"

Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre!

Joey: Correct! There’s a possible backwards bonus!

Chandler: Madre Sierra the of Treasure!

Joey: Yes!

Chandler: I’d like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please.

Joey: Wise choice, how many rungs?

Chandler: Six!

Joey: (makes a sound like a monkey) That noise can only me one thing.

Chandler: (disappointed and simultaneously as Ross) Hungry monkey.

Ross: (excited and simultaneously as Chandler) Hungry monkey! (To Chandler) Haaa! (To Joey) I’d like a Wicked Wango card!

Joey: Okay, it’s an audio question, name this television theme song. (Starts humming the theme to I Dream of Genie.)

Ross: (thinking) Oh. (Pause) Oh! Oh my God! Okay, I know this, give me-give me a second!

Chandler: Tell it to the Time Turtle!

Ross: Shut up! I Dream of Genie!

Joey: Yes! Yes, you’re back in the lead!

Ross: I’d like to spin the wheel!

(Joey makes a sound like a game show wheel spinning with the pointer bouncing off of the bars on the wheel as it slows and comes to a stop.)

Chandler: (annoyed) Oh come on!!

Joey: All right! All right! Uh, umm, Super-Speedy Speed round!

Ross: Is there a hopping bonus?

Joey: Of course!

(Ross gets up and starts to hop on one leg.)

Joey: Who invented bifocals?

Ross: Ben Franklin.

Joey: Correct! Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?

Ross: Queen Victoria.

Joey: Correct again! But, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus!

Ross: Noooo!!! Every time!!!

Joey: Now, over to Chandler.

Chandler: I’d like a Google Card.

Joey: Are you sure?

Chandler: Yes! (Pause) No! (Pause) Google!

Joey: Oh my God! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, you’ve been Bamboozled!

Chandler: Nooo!!

Ross: Yeah!!

Chandler: This is the best game ever!!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs. Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up.]

Rachel: So umm, you’re gonna stay with me as long as I need you?

Mrs. Green: Of course I am!

Rachel: Oh mom, I swear I’m not an idiot. I’ve read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didn’t think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby’s coming and I don’t know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie?

Mrs. Green: No. Sweetie, you’re gonna be fine. (Starts to get up.)

Rachel: Wait-wait where are you going? Where are you going?

Mrs. Green: I’m going to the bathroom.

Rachel: Okay.

Mrs. Green: Now don’t worry! Everything’s gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.)

Monica: It is going to be okay! (Mrs. Green glances over her shoulder and glares at Monica while she heads for the bathroom.) It was worth a shot.

Ross: (entering, out of breath) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty?

Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler! (Flexes in victory while everyone stares at him.) Which is not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower.

Phoebe: Not if you were here.

Ross: Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff.

Rachel: Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.

Ross: (excited) A Play-Dough Barber Shop?

Rachel: No. She’s going to live with us for eight weeks.

Ross: Uh, what?

Rachel: Yes! She’s gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that Ross isn’t happy.)

Ross: What—You’re not serious. I mean she’s a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. She’ll drive us totally crazy.

Mrs. Green: (entering from bathroom) Hi Ross!

Ross: Hi roomie! (Hugs her and looks at Rachel.)

[Scene: Joey’s Audition, Joey is being shown in.]

Man: Hey Joey, hi! I’m Ray; I’m the producer of the show.

Joey: (announcer voice) It’s a pleasure to meet you Ray.

Ray: And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, they’re gonna help us out with the audition. So uh, let’s get the camera rolling.

Joey: (announcer voice) Rightie-O Ray!

Ray: Whenever you’re ready.

Joey: (to the camera) Hello, I’m Joey Tribbiani! Let’s play Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One?

Erin: Wayne Gretzky.

Joey: Correct! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?

Ray: Uh Joey, didn’t your agents give you the revised rules? We’ve eliminated all of that. No wheel, no cards.

Joey: What—Why?!

Ray: Uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn’t follow it.

Joey: Well what’s complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You’re in Paradise Pond!

Ray: Yeah all that’s gone. It’s basically just a simple question and answer game now.

Joey: Well what’s fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that’s just people standing around answering questions?

Ray: Well, there’ll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.

Joey: (announcer voice to the camera) Let’s play Bamboozled!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mrs. Green is telling Ross what needs to be done to baby proof his apartment.]

Mrs. Green: …and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought they might be more at home in the garage.

Ross: Well we…we don’t have a garage.

Mrs. Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage.

Ross: Y’know what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, it’s not absolutely vital that you live with us.

Mrs. Green: Well Rachel needs help with the baby.

Rachel: I do. I really do. I don’t know anything.

Ross: I’m-I’m sure that’s not true.

Rachel: Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies?

Phoebe: No, not a thing.

Monica: It’s frightening.

Ross: Well uh, y’know what? Even if she doesn’t know anything, I do! I have a son. And his mother and I didn’t live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself.

Mrs. Green: That’s true. You do have another child.

Ross: Yeah.

Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control Ross?

Ross: That’s a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to…to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things.

Mrs. Green: Well then you really don’t need me to live with you.

Ross: Yes! Yes, you’re gonna be so missed.

Mrs. Green: You’re gonna be a great father.

Ross: Well you’re gonna be a wonderful grandma. (They hug.)

Rachel: Hello?! I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing!

Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. You’ll—you’re gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesn’t believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh look, y’know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddy’s credit card. Do you remember?

Rachel: I hope you’re going somewhere with this.

Ross: Look at you! What—You’re-you’re this big executive! You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt you’re gonna be an incredible mother.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: I’m telling you.

Rachel: Thank you. (Hugs him.)

Mrs. Green: All right you two, I’m gonna get going.

Ross: Oh. (Rachel and he start to stand up.)

Mrs. Green: Oh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you stay put. I’ll let myself out. It’s like I’m not here, which I almost wasn’t.

Monica: (laughs) You’re still so funny. You’re so funny. (To Phoebe) What do I do?

Phoebe: Nothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and she’s been nothing but terrible to you. And don’t forget you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn’t even thanked you for it.

Monica: Y’know what? You’re-you’re right.

Phoebe: Yeah I mean if you want to say anything to her, I’d tell her off.

Monica: Really?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Monica: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasn’t on purpose! But what you’re during to me now is just plain spiteful!

Mrs. Green: Spiteful?!

Monica: That’s right! Maybe it’s time you took a good hard look at a mirror young lady…old lady…lady!

Phoebe: (To Monica) Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up…

Monica: So whenever you’re ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! (Monica and Phoebe reenter the apartment and Monica closes the door on a stunned Mrs. Green.) I can’t feel my legs!

Phoebe: You were fantastic! I’m so proud of you!

Monica: Yeah? I’m proud of me too.

Phoebe: You should be!

Monica: Yeah could-could-could you get me something to drink?

Phoebe: You got it!

Monica: Okay. (When Phoebe turns around Monica runs out into the hall after Mrs. Green.) Mrs. Green! Okay I’m really sorry!! I’m apologizing for the—(She trips and falls down the stairs.) (Pause) Okay, I bit my tongue, but I’m still really sorry!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is helping Rachel study for when the baby comes.]

Rachel: (closing a book) Okay! I’m ready.

Ross: You sure?

Rachel: Yes, I’ve done my studying and I really know my stuff.

Ross: All right then. (Gets up, in an announcer’s voice) Rachel Green! Let’s play Bamboozled! (Reading from a note card.) How do you test the temperature of the baby’s bath water?

Rachel: Uh, put your elbow in it.

Ross: Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap?

Rachel: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.

Ross: That’s correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the baby makes this sound? (Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.)

Rachel: Check if it’s wet, check if it’s hungry, burp it!

Ross: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango card?

Rachel: A card! A card! I pick a card!

Ross: Oh, I’m sorry you’ve been Bamboozled! You’re gonna be a terrible mother! (Rachel stares at him agape.) I’ve lost sight of why we’re doing this! (Rachel gets up and walks away.)

End

The One With The Cooking Class

Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Story by: Dana Klein Borkow

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Monica as Ross enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers.]

Ross: Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the table.)

Phoebe: Well that’s no way to sell newspapers. Why don’t you try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!"

Ross: No, Monica’s restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all gasp.) I didn’t want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.)

Joey: Man, this is bad! And I’ve had my share of bad reviews. I still remember my first good one though. (Quoting) "Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal."

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a good review! Is it great?!

Ross: Umm…

Monica: (reading) Oh dear God!

Ross: But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know.

Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?!

Ross: Yeah, they all know.

Monica: Oh my God, this is horrible!

Chandler: I’m so sorry.

Monica: I’m so humiliated!

Rachel: Yeah but y’know what they say Mon, "There’s no such thing as bad press."

Monica: You don’t think that umm, (reading) "The chef’s Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press?

Rachel: I didn’t write it.

Monica: Is he right? Am I really—Am I awful?

All: No!

Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And I’m not just saying this because I’m your friend, I’m sayin’ it ‘cause it’s the truth. You’re food is abysmal!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, it’s late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.]

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: (startling him) What?! What?

Rachel: I am freaking out!

Ross: Are ya?

Rachel: My due date is in one week!

Ross: What are you doing up?

Rachel: That is seven days!

Ross: Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after…

Rachel: (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service!

Ross: It’s funny you should mention diapers.

Rachel: I’m serious.

Ross: Okay look, there’s nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There’s a great baby furniture store on west 10th. Tomorrow, we will go there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay?

Rachel: Okay. Thank you. That’s great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on west 10th? Because there’s this really cute shoe store that has like this little…

Ross: (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if you’re gonna do this, then I’m gonna do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So… (Starts for the bathroom.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Oh, wait Ross! I’m sorry, one more thing!

Ross: (annoyed) Yeah!

Rachel: Umm, our situation. Y’know umm, what we mean to each other. And I mean we-we’re having this baby together, and we live together. Isn’t that, isn’t that weird?

Ross: (stunned) (thinks) Well uh…

Rachel: I’m just kidding! You can go pee! (He does so in a hurry.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is cooking as Chandler looks on.

Joey: (entering) Hey uh Monica, I can’t remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here or at the movies?

Monica: We said at the movies, but…

Joey: Okay, I’ll see you there. (Starts to leave)

Monica: Joey! (He returns) Now that you’re here…

Joey: Sure, I can hang out ‘til I have to meet ya. (To Chandler) What uh—How come you’re not going?

Chandler: I have a job interview I have to get ready for.

Joey: I thought you already have a job.

Chandler: And people say you don’t pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It’s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies.

Joey: Wow! How do you know how to do that?!

Chandler: That’s what I do now.

Monica: Hey Joey, come taste this.

Joey: What is it?

Monica: Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well… (Feeds him a spoonful of what she’s cooking.) I’m getting my revenge!

Joey: You cooked him?

Monica: No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant reviewer admits: I was wrong about Monica."

Chandler: The front page? You really do live in your own little world, don’t ya?

[Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and Rachel are checking out.]

Cashier: Do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller?

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: Oh.

Rachel: No-no-no! No, no, no, we’re not married.

Ross: We are having a baby together, but we’re not involved. (The cashier, a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Or, yes stranger, we’d like this delivered please.

Cashier: Why don’t you fill out this address card. (Hands him one.)

Ross: Oh, okay.

Cashier: I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items.

Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, that’s one of the reasons why we’re not a couple.

Ross: I chose those, I’m a paleontologist.

Cashier: Really?! That is so cool!

Rachel: Oh. Oh yeah, don’t get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds like he’s a doctor, but he’s not.

Cashier: Oh no-no, I’m fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book?

Ross: Yeah! I-I teach it in my class.

Rachel: Oh my God! I’m standing at a cash register, holding a credit card, and I’m bored.

Cashier: (looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood. There’s a great gym right around the corner from your building.

Ross: That’s my gym.

Cashier: I can tell you work out. (Ross is please and Rachel looks at him confused.) A paleontologist who works out, you’re like Indiana Jones. (Rachel has a disbelieving look on her face.)

Ross: I am like Indiana Jones.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go?

Rachel: Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasn’t on the list. A whore.

Phoebe: What?!

Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him.

Phoebe: Well did she know you two weren’t married?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders!

Rachel: You don’t understand! You didn’t see how brazen she was.

Phoebe: Sounds like you’re a little jealous.

Rachel: No! I’m not! I-I-I just think it’s wrong! It’s-it’s that I’m—Here I am about to pop and he’s out picking up some shop girl at Sluts ‘R’ Us!

Phoebe: Is that a real place? (Rachel’s stunned) Are they hiring?

Chandler: (entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty!

Phoebe: Hey Chandler, why so fancy?

Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. It’s kinda a big deal too. Its a lot more money and I’d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.

Phoebe: Wait, I think I know someone who does that.

Chandler: Me! I do that. So… Seriously, do I look okay? I’m little nervous.

Rachel: Oh yeah! You really—You look great.

Phoebe: Yeah, just don’t get your hopes up.

Chandler: Why not?

Phoebe: Well, the interview…

Chandler: What about it?

Phoebe: Y’know! You don’t make a very good first impression.

Chandler: (shocked) What?!

Phoebe: Oh you don’t know.

Chandler: Are you serious?!

Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh!

Chandler: What is it that I do?

Phoebe: Well it’s just like you’re trying too hard. Always making jokes, y’know, you just—You come off a little needy.

Chandler: (To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met?

Rachel: Chandler, I’m not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. (Gets up and hurries out.)

[Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey are confronting the food critic.]

Monica: Hi! Umm, I’m Monica Geller, I’m the chef at Alessandro’s.

The Food Critic: Still?

Monica: I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.

The Food Critic: I don’t see any reason why I would do that to myself again.

Joey: Either eat it, or be in it.

Monica: Spoon? (Hands him one and he tastes it.) So, what do you think?

The Food Critic: I’m torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.)

Joey: Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there’s a new class comin’ in.

(They start to leave.)

The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bearnaise sauce? (No one can.)

Monica: I can.

The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead.

Monica: Well umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a bearnaise has shallots, shirvel, and most importantly tarragon.

The Cooking Teacher: That’s very good, what’s your name?

Monica: Monica.

The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class.

Monica: Okay. (Does so.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are unpacking and setting up their new purchases.]

Rachel: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life?

Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (There’s a knock on the door and Ross answers it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what are you doing here?

Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A blanket.)

Ross: Ah, must’ve been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store.

Katie: Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job description.

Ross: Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.)

Katie: Oh uh…I actually came here to ask you out.

Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. I’m just gonna put this (The money) back in my pocket, pretend that didn’t happen. Uh yeah, actually I’m free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or…

Katie: Sure!

Rachel: Horny bitch. (They both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs she’s holding are arguing.) No! You’re a horny bitch! Noooo! You’re the horny bitch! No! You’re a horny bitch!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, continued from before.]

Rachel: So you guys go, have a really good time.

Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, I’m just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks worried.) Y’know because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not because I’m-I’m into S&M. (Katie’s worried again.) I’m not-I’m not into anything weird. Y’know? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, I’m gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel alone.)

Rachel: So, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy.

Katie: Are you okay with this?

Rachel: Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun.

Katie: Okay. It was nice to see you.

Rachel: Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you missed a button.

Katie: Oh umm, actually I umm…

Rachel: Oh okay, I see what you’re doing there.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are entering.]

Chandler: I can’t even believe this! I really come off that badly?

Phoebe: Oh! It’s okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see how really sweet and wonderful you really are.

Chandler: Oh good. Good, because I’m sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks.

Phoebe: All right, don’t freak out! Okay? I-I will help you. How long before you have to leave?

Chandler: An hour.

Phoebe: I can’t help you.

Chandler: Phoebe!

Phoebe: All right, all right, we’ll just do our best. Okay? So let’s say I’m the interviewer and I’m meeting you for the first time. Okay. "Hi! Come on in, I’m uh, Regina Philange."

Chandler: Chandler Bing.

Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name.

Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. (Pause) I’ll let myself out.

[Scene: The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook as the teacher walks over to him.]

Joey: Hi.

The Cooking Teacher: Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese?

Joey: When you say used, do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack?

The Cooking Teacher: And the cream?

Joey: Cheese makes me thirsty.

The Cooking Teacher: Okay. Let’s move on.

Joey: All right.

The Cooking Teacher: (To Monica) Oh! Something smells good over at Monica’s station! (She tries Monica’s fettuccini.) Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing! You’ve never made this before?

Monica: Oh no! I don’t know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what it’s called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles.

The Cooking Teacher: Well, hats off to the chef.

Monica: I-I-I’m sorry, your-your mouth was full, I didn’t hear what you said. Umm, hats off to who now?

The Cooking Teacher: The chef!

Monica: That’s right.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are still working on his interviewing techniques.]

Chandler: …I think you’ll find if I come to work here, I don’t micro-manage. I don’t shy away from delegating.

Phoebe: Um-hmm, that’s good to know. But let’s stop focusing on what you don’t do, and start focusing on what you do do.

Chandler: (suppressing a smile) What I do do…is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.

Phoebe: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.

Chandler: Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Phoebe: You gotta go!

Chandler: Oh! (Stands up.)

Phoebe: Okay, don’t worry. You’re ready.

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: Absolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts and you’ll be great.

Chandler: Okay.

[Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the teacher is going around tasting them.]

The Cooking Teacher: Ah Monica, my star student.

Monica: Y’know, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me the star. (Hands it to her.)

The Cooking Teacher: (tasting the cookie and with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum. (Hands the star back.)

Monica: Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and I’m sorry, but I don’t care.

(The teacher goes to Joey’s station.)

The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, you’re up next. (Tries one of his cookies.) This are good! This is amazing! You get an A!

Joey: I can an A? In-in school? (To Joey) Hey, I’m a dork.

Monica: Joey! I’m so proud of you!

The Cooking Teacher: I think you should give him your star.

Monica: Excuse me? He doesn’t even know what he’s doing!

The Cooking Teacher: We’re all beginners here. Nobody knows what they’re doing.

Monica: I do! I’m a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax! It’s not a courtroom drama!

The Cooking Teacher: If you’re a professional chef, what are you doing taking Introduction to Cooking?

Joey: Yeah!

Monica: I’m-I’m sorry, it’s just that umm… Well I-I cook at this restaurant, Alessandro’s, and umm I just got a really bad review…

The Cooking Teacher: Oh Alessandro’s! I love that place!

Monica: You do?

The Cooking Teacher: Oh yes! You’re an excellent chef! As a person you’re a little…

Monica: Oh, I’m totally crazy, but you-you like the food?

The Cooking Teacher: Very much.

Monica: Okay then, I don’t stink. I’m a good chef. Okay. (Starts to leave.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I don’t want to go. I’m having fun.

The Cooking Teacher: Well actually, did either of you pay for this class?

Joey: Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it’s time to go, it’s time to go. (Starts to leave, but comes back for his cookies.)

[Scene: An Office Building, Chandler is on his interview.]

Chandler: …also I was the point person on my company’s transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system.

The Interviewer: You must’ve had your hands full.

Chandler: That I did. That I did.

The Interviewer: So let’s talk a little bit about your duties.

Chandler: (nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right.

The Interviewer: Now you’ll be heading a whole division, so you’ll have a lot of duties.

Chandler: (trying not to laugh) I see.

The Interviewer: But there’ll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them.

Chandler: (really try not to laugh) Good to know.

The Interviewer: We can go into detail…

Chandler: No don’t I beg of you!

The Interviewer: All right then, we’ll have a definite answer for you on Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, you’ll fit in well here.

Chandler: (relieved) Really?!

The Interviewer: Absolutely. (They walk to the door.) You can relax; you did great.

Chandler: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y’know I’ve been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn’t understand) Duties. (Still doesn’t.) Duties! (Still doesn’t.) Poo. (Still doesn’t.)

The Interviewer: Poo?

Chandler: Oh my God this doesn’t count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! There’s a crazy guy out in the hall!

The Interviewer: Poo?!

Chandler: I’ll look forward to your call. (Walks away.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his date.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hi! You’re back from your date!

Ross: How are you?

Rachel: I’m fine, but that’s not important. What’s important is how was she?

Ross: Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.

Rachel: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.

Ross: What’s uh, what’s going on? Do you not, do you not like Katie?

Rachel: No! No, she’s—She was nice. I mean, she’s a little slutty, but who isn’t?

Ross: I liked her.

Rachel: Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones!

Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?!

Rachel: No! It’s just that, Kate bothered me.

Ross: Why? What was wrong with her?

Rachel: There was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely!

Ross: Okay, so what’s the matter?

Rachel: I don’t want you to date her!

Ross: (laughs) Why? What, what are you jealous?

Rachel: Yes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I don’t want you to go out with anybody! Okay? I know it’s a terrible thing to even think this, and it’s completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I’m very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: I won’t date. I’ll uh, I’ll be here, with you, all the time.

Rachel: Really? But I’m being so unreasonable.

Ross: True, but you’re allowed to be unreasonable. You’re having our baby.

(Pause.)

Rachel: (starting to cry) Oh Ross, thank you. Thank you. (They hug.)

Ross: Do you feel better?

Rachel: No, not really. You’re pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. (She gets up and starts for the bathroom.)

Ross: Uh Rach?

Rachel: Yeah. (Stops and starts doing the I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom dance.)

Ross: Just one thing umm…

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Ross: We live together. You’re having our baby. I’m not gonna see anybody else. Are you-are you sure you don’t want something more?

Rachel: (pause) Wow! I don’t know, maybe. I’m…

Ross: Oh-oh, Rach! I was just messin’ around! (She’s stunned) Like you did last night when I had to pee?

Rachel: (laughs) I knew that! I knew that! I was just messin’ with you too!

Ross: (pause) Okay. Okay. Because for a minute you said you…

Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no, no!

Ross: …that you actually…

Rachel: No that’s just—(Laughs)—That’s just ‘cause I’m such a good messer!

(They both laugh. Ross sits down, but Rachel doesn’t move and is lost in thought.)

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: The bathroom?

Rachel: Right! (Heads for the bathroom.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: The New School, Joey and Monica are walking down a hallway.]

Joey: Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that’s the first A I’ve gotten since seventh grade, and I didn’t have to sleep with the teacher this time.

Monica: Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself?

Joey: What the hell!

Monica: Okay.

(They enter.)

The Acting Teacher: All right, let’s start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?

(No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly.)

Joey: Yeah, this was a stupid idea. (Exits.)

End

The One Where Rachel Is Late

Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is showing everyone a poster as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey! What are you guys looking at?

Joey: Oh, it’s a poster for that World War I movie that I’m in, check it out.

Ross: Yeah? Wow! It looks really violent!

Joey: Uh-huh! I know. I’m coming soon to a theater near you! I’m in THX! I’m unsuitable for children!

Ross: Now I cannot wait to see this.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, it’s already generating Oscar buzz.

Phoebe: I started that!

Joey: I thought I did! Oh hey guess what? The premiere is next week and you’re all invited! (They all gasp.)

Monica: Are we gonna take a limo?

Joey: Sure! Why not?!

Monica: Oh I love taking limos when nobody died!

Rachel: Well obviously I won’t be able to come, for those of you who haven’t checked their calendars today is my due date. Well y’know, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great you’ve been during this time. I really couldn’t have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant.

[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, and Rachel is entering still pregnant.]

Rachel: That’s right, still no baby! (To Monica, Joey, and Chandler on the couch) Come on people! Please make some room!

Ross: Uh sweetie, maybe you’d be more comfortable here? (Gets up from the green armchair.)

Rachel: You. Like you haven’t done enough.

Ross: Look, I-I know how miserable you are, I wish there was something I can do. I mean I wish I were a seahorse. (She glares at him) Because with seahorses it’s the male, they carry the babies. And then also umm, I’d be far away in the sea. (He sits back down.)

(Rachel turns and looks at the group on the couch and they move over. Chandler measures the room they’ve made with his arm and decides it’s not enough and they all move over again.)

Rachel: God. (Sits down.) I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life!

Phoebe: Oh I know, I’ve been there. I remember toward the end…

Rachel: (interrupting her) Oh Phoebe, that’s a great story. Can you tell it to me when you’re getting me some iced tea? (Phoebe gets up and Rachel groans.) (To the baby) Oh God, get out! Get out!! Get out!! Get out!!

Chandler: Let’s. (Everyone gets up and leaves Rachel.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are there as Rachel enters.]

Chandler: Hey! Did you have the baby yet?

Rachel: Do you want me to come over there and sit on you? ‘Cause I’ll do it.

Monica: What are you doing here so early?

Rachel: They sent me home from work. They were like, "Start your maternity leave now! Just rest, get ready for the baby." Well y’know what? Screw ‘em! If they don’t want me there, I’ll just hang out with you guys.

Phoebe: Or you can do volunteer work.

(Joey’s cell phone rings and he answers it.)

Joey: Hello?

Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! Great news, I was able to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere.

Joey: One guest? You told me I can have six tickets!

Estelle: Well, I sold four of them on Ebay. You’ll be sitting next to HotGuy372.

Joey: Oh my God. So that’s it?! I only get to bring one guest?

Estelle: Yeah, what time do you wanna pick me up? (Joey hangs up on her.) Hello?

Joey: (to Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe) Did you hear that? I only get one extra ticket to my premiere. So some how I have to pick between you three and Ross.

Rachel: (overhearing that) What-what about me?

Joey: You said you didn’t want to go.

Rachel: I don’t. But I would still like to be acknowledged. What? Just because I’m pregnant you think I’m invisible.

Joey: Definitely not invisible.

Monica: Well, well Ross didn’t care enough to be here, so I think he’s out. You snooze you lose.

Chandler: He’s not snoozing, he’s teaching a class.

Monica: Well then somebody’s snoozing. Joey, not that this uh should affect you at all, but if you were to pick me, I was planning on wearing a sequined dress, cut down to here. (Points to her stomach just above her belly button.)

Chandler: I haven’t seen this dress.

Monica: Star in a movie.

Phoebe: Joey, you pick who ever you want. Okay? You just listen to your heart. What does it tell you? (Mimicking a heartbeat and tapping her chest.) Phoebe, Phoebe.

Joey: Well uh…I think I want to take Chandler.

Phoebe: (still mimicking a heartbeat, only faster) Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe—Burrrrr! (Mimics the sound of a cardiac monitor going off.)

Chandler: You really want to take me?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah! I mean I’m sorry, I wish I can take everybody, but y’know Chandler always supported my career. He’s paid for acting classes and head shots and stuff and well this will be my way of paying you back.

Chandler: So you’re never actually going to pay me back?

Monica: Wait a minute, just because he paid for your head shots you’re gonna take him? Joey, I don’t think you’re comprehending just how slutty this dress is!

Joey: It’s not just the stuff he paid for, I mean it’s-it’s everything. Y’know? He read lines with me. He-he went with me on auditions when I was really nervous, and then he consoled me after I didn’t get parts that I really wanted. You always believed in me man. Even, even when I didn’t believe in myself.

Chandler: I always knew you were gonna make it. I’m so proud of you.

Joey: Thanks. That means a lot to me.

(They look at each other and smile for a while.)

Phoebe: Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress.

Joey: (in a manly voice) I’m gonna go shave. (Gets up.)

Chandler: (in a manly voice) Yeah well, I’m gonna go spit. (He goes into the bedroom. On his way out, Joey gives Rachel a wide berth.)

Rachel: Oh, I have to pee. If I don’t come out in five minutes it’s because I’ve choked to death on the potpourri stink. (Goes into the bathroom.)

Phoebe: When she comes out, you hold her nose, I’ll blow in her mouth, and the kid will just (makes a popping sound) right out of her.

Monica: She’s over a week late! She gotta have it today, right?

Phoebe: I don’t know. I-I think it’s still gonna be a while.

Monica: Hmm, care to make it interesting? I’ll bet you that she’ll have it by this time tomorrow.

Phoebe: You’re on!

Monica: Okay, how much?

Phoebe: One hundred thousand dollars!

Monica: How about fifty bucks?

Phoebe: Fine! I’ll call Zurich and move some money around.

Rachel: (calling from the bathroom) All right, who’s turn is it to help me get up!

(They both look at each other, then Phoebe gets an idea.)

Phoebe: No one’s here! (Monica looks at her.) Oh damnit!

[Scene: The World Premiere of Over There, Joey and Chandler are arriving in a limo and are about to walk down the red carpet.]

Chandler: This is so exciting! It’s so glamorous! People taking our picture. How do I look?

Joey: A little tall.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Do you mind crouching down a little bit, so that I look taller? (Chandler does so) There you go. (And they walk down the red carpet.)

Chandler: It’s just so glamorous.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is entering, still pregnant.]

Phoebe: Oh hey Mon? Rach is here! Ohh, you’re still pregnant. Oh, I’m sorry. I know how uncomfortable you are. Y’know what? You look great. Yeah, like fifty bucks.

Rachel: Oh, I have to go pee. Apparently this baby thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy. (Goes to the bathroom.)

Monica: Damnit! Damnit!! Here’s your fifty bucks! (Pays Phoebe.)

Phoebe: It’s interesting that you lost. Now, I forget, do you like to lose?

Monica: Now stop it! Double or nothing that she has it by tomorrow!

Phoebe: Fine! You’re on!

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: Until then, General Grant, why don’t you set up camp (She puts the bill in her bra) right there.

Ross: (entering) Hey is Rachel here? We have a doctor’s appointment.

Monica: She’s in the bathroom.

Ross: Rach, we gotta go.

Rachel: In a minute!!!

Ross: People ask me why we’re not together, I just don’t know what to tell them.

Rachel: (entering) All right, all right. Let’s go!

Ross: Uh, do you wanna go change first? The doctor’s keeping the office open late for us, but if you hurry…

Rachel: No, I’m fine.

Ross: Really? You don’t think that’s a little inappropriate. (She’s wearing a tank top and has her belly sticking out.)

Phoebe: Good God man don’t anger it.

Rachel: Ross, it is 100 degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am somewhat comfortable.

Ross: Fine! Fine! Y’know what? Whatever you want. Okay? You’re the mommy.

Rachel: Oh uh-uh pal! Don’t call me mommy! It’s bad enough you call your own mother that. (He looks at Monica.)

Monica: I’m actually with her on this one.

[Scene: Inside Joey’s Premiere, he is intently watching the movie.]

Joey: (onscreen) "I thought I knew who the enemy was, but it was you all along."

Joey: (To Chandler) Okay, this is it. It’s my big fight scene coming up. (He looks over and Chandler and notices that he’s asleep.)

[Scene: Dr. Long’s Office, Ross and Rachel are waiting for the doctor. Ross is drumming his fingers on the bed.]

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Can I ask you something?

Ross: Uh-huh.

Rachel: When Carol was pregnant with Ben…

Ross: Mmm?

Rachel: …were you this irritating?

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: Excuse me?!

Ross: Oh nothing. Nothing! Just uh, you’ve been a little short with me lately. I’m not trying to irritate you.

Rachel: Well then you just must have a natural talent for it.

Ross: Y’know what? The doctor will be in soon, why don’t we not speak until then.

Rachel: (silently) Okay. (Pause) Seriously, breathe louder Ross! That’s great!

Ross: Y’know we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that’s half human and half pure evil!

(Dr. Long enters.)

Rachel: Hi Dr. Long, how are you?

Ross: (to Rachel) Oh, you’re nice to her.

Rachel: She has the drugs!

Dr. Long: We’ll do a quick check.

Rachel: Okay. (Rachel lies back.)

Dr. Long: So, eight days late huh?

Rachel: Yeah.

Dr. Long: You must be a little uncomfortable.

Rachel: Eh, just a tad.

Dr. Long: You’re about 80 percent effaced, so you’re on your way. It still could last a little while longer. If you’re anxious there are a few ways to help things along.

Ross: Do them!!

Dr. Long: Actually, they’re things you can do. Just some home remedies, but in my experience I’ve found that some of them are quite effective.

Rachel: Well, we are ready to try anything.

Dr. Long: Okay, there’s an herbal tea you can drink.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Long: You can take some caster oil, there’s eating spicy foods…

Rachel: Great! We will do all of those.

Dr. Long: …taking a long walk, and then there’s the one that’s proved most effective: sex.

(Rachel turns and looks at Ross.)

Ross: You’ve got to be kidding me!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey’s Premiere, the movie is ending and it takes the applause to wake up Chandler.]

Chandler: Good job Joe! Well done! Top notch!

Joey: You liked it? You really liked it?

Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, yeah!

Joey: Which part exactly?

Chandler: The whole thing! Can we go?

Joey: Oh no-no-no, give me some specifics.

Chandler: I love the specifics, the specifics were the best part!

Joey: Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? Did-did you like that part?

Chandler: I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.

Joey: You fell asleep!! There was no kangaroo! They didn’t take any of my suggestions! That’s for coming buddy. I’ll see you later. (Starts to walk out.)

Chandler: Don’t go! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! (Sees another guy who is still asleep.) Look! This guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at him! (Looks at him more closely.) Or, call an ambulance.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Rachel are there as Phoebe and Monica enter.]

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come?

Rachel: No. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.

Ross: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked.

Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we haven’t tried, but someone thinks that, (mimicking Ross) "That will open up a can of worms."

Monica: Well what is it? What is it? If it’s gonna help bring the baby here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it.

Ross: It’s sex.

Monica: Do it!

Ross: Monica!

Monica: I’m just saying it’s been a really long time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it, get yours!

Phoebe: Oh I-I don’t know about that. No, I think that if the two of you had sex the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic.

Monica: All right, let’s be practical, if Ross isn’t willing to do it, he’s not the only guy in the world you can have sex with. You can borrow Chandler—Chandler is good!

Ross: Monica, what is the matter with you?

Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.

Rachel: Why? Why today?

Monica: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you’re gonna have the baby and I don’t want to lose again!

Ross: What?! While she’s been going through this hell, you’ve been making money?! You’re betting on your friend staying in this misery?! (Phoebe lowers her head and shakes it yes.)

Rachel: I’ll take that bet.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Well, I’m miserable here! I might as well make some money out it!

Ross: Can I get some of that action?

Monica: Wait a minute! Now I’m betting against all three of you?

Rachel: Oh honey, don’t worry. I really do feel like tomorrow’s the day.

Monica: Oh, okay!

(Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and mouths, "No way.")

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is there as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey! Sleeping beauty!

Chandler: Where have you been?! I tried to call you! I want to talk to you! I still feel so bad!

Joey: (in a baby voice) Oh no, were you upset? Did you lose sleep?

Chandler: I’m so sorry.

Joey: Uh-huh look, the only reason I can over here was to settle things between us! Okay? You’ve done a lot for me and my career, I wanted to pay you back so I took you to the premiere but you missed it! Okay, so how much do I owe you?

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Give me a number, I don’t want to owe you anything!

Chandler: You don’t owe me anything, I don’t want you money…

Joey: Ah-ah-ah! We’re doing this! Okay, now you got me my first set of head shots. Right, how much were those?

Chandler: I don’t know, five hundred dollars?

Joey: Okay, five hundred dollars. What else?

Chandler: Well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots.

Joey: Okay, so that’s another five hundred. Five hundred and five hundred, that’s… (Pauses to figure it out.)

Chandler: Do you want a calculator?

Joey: Please!

Chandler: Here! (Hands him one. Joey adds it up and discovers that he was right.)

Joey: All right, what else?

Chandler: Well uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap classes…

Joey: Which we’re still keeping under our hats!

Chandler: Uh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play where you needed a southern accent. Which after twenty hours of lessons still came out Jamaican.

Joey: What the hell are you talking about, (in a Jamaican accent) "The south will rise again man."

Chandler: Yes, money well spent!

Joey: Yeah. Okay, what else? Rent!

Chandler: Okay, two, three years of rent, utilities, food…

Joey: Okay. Okay, so I’m writing you a check for…So you fell asleep during my movie. Big deal right? How do you clear this thing?

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are trying the home remedies again.]

Ross: Come on, finish your enchilada.

Rachel: Ross I—We tried all the spicy food. It’s not working.

Ross: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh ha… Oh God! So…so hot! (Rubs his eyes.) Oh my—(Laughs.) By the way, you don’t want to touch the pepper and then touch your eye.

Rachel: I am feeling nothing. Speaking of hot, watching you do that really makes me want to have sex with you.

Ross: Stop it.

Rachel: Oh come on Ross, why are we wasting our time with this other stuff?! We know what’s gonna work! It’s doctor recommended!

Ross: I’m sorry, but we have to have some boundaries! My God, I’m dying.

Rachel: Oh come on Ross, we’ve done it before we’ll do it again, it’ll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy.

Ross: This is insane, I’m not gonna make love to you just so that you’ll go into labor.

Rachel: Make love? What are you a girl?

Ross: Always a great way to get in a man’s pants.

Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just-just think of me as a ketchup bottle, y’know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out.

Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me.

Rachel: Oh, I know it. You’re right. That’s not sexy. Oh…Oh! (Drops a fork on the floor.) Whoops! Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork. Let me just bed over and get it. (Tries too, but can’t quite seem to make it.) Oh God!

Ross: Okay enough! This is, this is not going to happen.

Rachel: Come on Ross! I’m miserable here! Come on! You started this, now you finish it! Come on wuss, make love to me.

Ross: Y’know what?

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Forget it.

Rachel: Oh wow! What now Ross you’re not gonna talk? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, I know. (Mimics his breathing.) I mean you’d think the damn jalepeno would’ve cleared up your sinuses, but no!! That’s not enough… (Ross jumps over and kisses her.) What are you doing?!

Ross: I’m getting that baby out of you!

(They kiss again.)

Rachel: (breaking the kiss) Oh God!

Ross: Oh, I know.

Rachel: Oh no. No-no! I think my water just broke.

Ross: I am good. Okay! Okay! Uh, I got the pillow! I got the bag! You got the keys?

Rachel: Okay! I got the keys! Okay! Okay!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: We’re having a baby.

(They hug and then kiss one more time.)

Rachel: I didn’t uh, really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think we have time to…

Ross: Not so much.

Rachel: Okay.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is paying Phoebe.]

Monica: Two hundred.

Phoebe: Thank you!

Monica: That’s it. I’m done. I don’t care when the baby comes, no more betting.

Phoebe: Okay.

(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hello? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up.) I guess we can bet one more time.

Phoebe: Is Rachel having the baby?

Monica: How did you know that?! (Runs to yell at Joey’s apartment.) Joey! Chandler!! It’s time!

Phoebe: They’re at the coffeehouse.

Monica: You know everything!! Oh wait, double or nothing. I bet you the baby is over seven pounds. (Phoebe isn’t interested.) I bet you it has hair. (She’s still not interested.) I bet you it’s a girl.

Phoebe: We know it’s a girl! (Exits.)

Monica: (following her) I’ll give you really good odds.

End

The One Where Rachel Has A Baby

Part I Written by: Scott Silveri

Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman

Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, who’s in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward.]

Ross: All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!!

Rachel: (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly over.

Ross: No, but come on, we’re off to a great start aren’t we? I knew I’d get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!

(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)

Phoebe: Oh you made it!

Rachel: Hi! (Ross is stunned.)

Monica: How are you doing?

Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?

Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?

Ross: N… No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs!

(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)

Chandler: Hi!

Joey: Hey! You made it!

Ross: Okay is there…some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!

Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, I’m gonna go have a baby.

Ross: Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. I’m Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.

Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute…

Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I’m sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room.

Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we can’t guarantee a private room and currently they’re all unavailable.

Chandler: Man, if only you’d gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)

Nurse: I’m sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.

Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Give her some money.

Ross: I really think they’re out of rooms.

Rachel: They’re not!! Ross, they’re just saving them for the important people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?!

Ross: Well then we’d be in a lot of trouble, you don’t know where any countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm… Would you mind checking again to see if any umm, private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?

Nurse: This is a hospital.

Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Y’know what? I’d have to say I really don’t care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem to—Whoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!

Ross: What-what?

Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing heavily.)

Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?

Rachel: Yeah, it couldn’t hurt to look.

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is checking on Rachel.]

Dr. Long: Well you’re only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. It’ll be a while.

Rachel: Oh, okay.

Dr. Long: I’ll be back in an hour to check you again.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: Thank you. (Dr. Long exits.) Well, I guess we have some time to kill.

Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (He’s looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.

Rachel: Yeah well it looks great!

(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)

Man: Thank you very much.

Woman: Thanks.

(They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.)

Ross: Hi! Hi, I’m uh Ross. I’m here to ruin this magical day for you.

Man: Oh no-no, not at all.

Woman: Don’t worry about it.

Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.

Ross: Hi Julie.

Julie: Hi.

Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.)

Rachel: Hi!

Marc: Oh hi Rachel.

Rachel: How are you?

Julie: Hi. Is this your first?

Rachel: Yeah it is.

Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler.

Rachel: That’s so sweet.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you guys some privacy.

Marc: No nonsense! We’re all in this together.

Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think we’re gonna have some fun.

Marc: Yeah.

Ross: Oh, okay.

Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh no, I really don’t want any—(He takes the picture)—Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross…

Ross: What?

Rachel: Here comes another contraction.

Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe.

Julie: Oh honey, I think I’m having one too!

(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out they’re having a contraction at the same time.)

Marc: Look at this! (Takes another picture) There we go!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]

Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.

Monica: Hey, you wanna see something?

Phoebe: Sure! What?

Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Listen uh, I-I’ve been doing some thinking, and I don’t know whether it’s because we’re here or Rachel’s giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (freaking out) What-what-what’s that now?!

Chandler: Okay. I’ve been thinking about it too, and I, I think we’re ready.

Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think we’re ready to have a baby now?!

Phoebe: Oh, this is fun.

Joey: You’re ready to have a baby? My boy’s all grown up!

Chandler: But you said you were ready too.

Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!

Chandler: Yes, but haven’t you wanted a kid like forever?

Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) ‘Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.

Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!

Monica: That’s it! Right there! Is all I wanted!

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachel’s hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]

Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.

Rachel: Oh, that’s very—Really very-very okay.

Marc: Julie’s cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, that’s about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.

Julie: Have you felt Rachel’s cervix Ross?

Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I don’t think we’ll be doing that.

Ross: (simultaneously as Rachel) We’re not gonna do that.

Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachel’s and then feel mine to compare.

Mrs. Geller: (entering) Am I interrupting?

Ross: Uh yes! Thank you.

Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no.

Ross: Later.

Rachel: No-no-don’t! Don’t leave me here with these people.

Ross: Oh uh, I’m sorry. (Runs out.)

Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father!

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.]

Ross: Hi! I’m so glad you’re here, but it’s gonna be a while. I-I wished you’d called first.

Mrs. Geller: Oh that’s all right, I’m coming back later with your father.

Ross: Oh good.

Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.

Ross: Okay, what’s up?

Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.)

Ross: Ma, you’re asking me to marry you?

Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmother’s engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.

Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you.

Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out!

Ross: N-no! Okay? We’ve been through this! We’re not gonna get married just because she’s pregnant, okay?

Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isn’t just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family.

Ross: Mom, y’know what? I-I can’t deal with this right now. I’m sorry…

Mrs. Geller: Just…think about it. If you don’t, I’ll talk more about humping.

Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)

Rachel: Hi!

Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear!

Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!

(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Ross is explaining to the gang what happened with his mother.]

Ross: …she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I’m not with Rachel.

Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) Why aren’t you with Rachel?

Ross: Are you kidding? Look, we’re not gonna be together just because we’re having a baby. Okay?

Phoebe: But y’know what? It just seems that you two belong together.

Ross: Okay, stop it! I can’t deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.

Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)

Joey: God. He’s crazy! Why doesn’t he want to be with Rachel?

Phoebe: I know!

Joey: I mean seriously, she’s like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadn’t and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and… (Realizes everyone is staring.) I haven’t bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken the place of Marc and Julie.]

Ross: (To Rachel) Hey. Who’s that?

Rachel: New people.

Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?

Rachel: They’re having their baby! It’s not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.

Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?

Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!

Ross: Yeah? Okay.

Rachel: Ooh! Ow!!

Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!

Sick Bastard: No!

Evil Bitch: Don’t you look at her you sick bastard!

Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasn’t looking at her!

Evil Bitch: She’s in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!

Ross: Umm. Umm, I’m-I’m just gonna—(Closes the privacy screen.)

Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert!

Ross: No-no, I’m…I’m sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)

Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?

Ross: Just ignore them.

(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: What? What?

Rachel: He’s looking at me.

Ross: (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!

Evil Bitch: Don’t you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard!

(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)

[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking at the babies as Monica walks up.]

Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it!

(The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)

Monica: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?

Chandler: I’m not crazy about babies. I’m crazy about us.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Look, we’ve always talked about having babies someday. I’m not saying it has to be right now, but I’m starting to think that we can handle it. We’re good. We’re really good.

Monica: We are pretty good.

Chandler: But nothing has to happen until your ready.

Monica: Well maybe I’m ready now. I mean, it’s a little scary, but maybe it’s right.

Chandler: What?! It’s not right! We’re not ready to have a kid now!!

Monica: What?!!

Chandler: I’m kidding. This is going to be fun.

Monica: So we’re gonna try? I mean, are we trying?

Chandler: We’re trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Y’know I’m not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?

Monica: Okay, hold on a sec.

Chandler: Period math?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now.

Chandler: Right here?

Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.

Chandler: Wait a minute, it’s perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we’re in a building that’s full of beds!

Monica: And it’s so clean!!

(They run off in search of a bed.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.]

Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!

Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money?

Joey: (looking at her) No.

Phoebe: All right, I’ll see you downstairs then.

Joey: All right.

Phoebe: All right.

Joey: Hey I got one! I got one!

[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg extended.]

Man: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi.

Man: Oh uh, up or down?

Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but can’t.) I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)

Man: Could you press up too please?

Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.

Man: Oh yeah? How’d yours happen?

Phoebe: Well, it’s a long story. It’s kind of embarrassing. Let’s just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?

Man: Car accident.

Phoebe: Oh.

Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasn’t paying attention?

Man: Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, that’s me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it you’re just visiting someone.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah.

Man: Well umm, if you have sometime y’know and maybe you might want to visit someone else…

Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that.

Man: I’m in the middle… (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.)

Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!

Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]

Ross: The nurse said they’re bringing in another woman.

Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn’t need to be; she’ll still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some support.)

Ross: That’s it. That’s it.

(The next couple enters.)

Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.

Rachel: Yeah it was.

Woman: Mine haven’t been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!

(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)

[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is.]

Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient I’m looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, he’s like early to mid-thirties, very attractive.

Nurse: I think I know who you’re talking about.

Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in?

Nurse: I’m sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff…

Joey: (walks up) Uh, she’s with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Remoray.

Nurse: Dr. Drake who?

Joey: Remoray. It’s Portuguese. We need that information; I’m a doctor.

Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?

Joey: Damnit woman we’re losing precious time! Now do you want this man’s blood on your head?

Phoebe: Hands.

Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. He’s a patient of mine, I’ve been treating him for years!

Nurse: He’s in room 816.

Joey: 816, thank you!

Phoebe: Thank you. (Starts to exit.)

(Joey starts to leave, but stops.)

Joey: And what is his name?

Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)

[Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.]

Monica: I think we found a place.

Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing.)

Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?

Chandler: Okay. Uh, we’ll dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds it’s not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)

Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.

(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)

Monica: Okay. Let’s hurry—Oh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)

Chandler: Yes, 98.6. You’re gonna be fine.

[Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.]

Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, that’s him! That’s him!

Joey: Great! Go get him.

Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.

Joey: (looks in the window) He’s not really my type.

Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see what’s he like. People tell doctors everything.

Joey: But you said he was this great guy!

Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.

Joey: You do attract some stinkers.

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again.]

Rachel: Dr. Long, I’ve been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?

Dr. Long: Three.

Ross: Just three?! I’m dilated three!

Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Don’t worry, you’re doing great. I’ll be back soon. (Exits.)

Rachel: Hey, y’know what? I’m not waiting! I’m gonna push this baby out! I’m doing it! I mean it’s what? Three centimeters? That’s gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)

Ross: Actually it’s more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch apart.)

Rachel: Oh stupid metric system!

(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)

Doctor: Oh my. We’re gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.

Rachel: Oh for the love of God!

Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the hallway) It’s coming! It’s coming!

Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)

Rachel: Oh come on!!

[Scene: Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is entering.]

Joey: Hi! I’m Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.

Man: Really? I’ve been dealing with Dr. Wells.

Joey: I know, but I’m a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.

Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.

Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.

Man: Clifford Burnett.

Joey: Date of birth?

Cliff: November 16th, 1968.

Joey: Age?

Cliff: Can’t you figure that out based on my date of birth?

Joey: I’m a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.

Cliff: I’m 33.

Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.

Cliff: No.

Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?

Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?

Joey: (checking the list) Yes.

Cliff: Well uh if you must know I’m a widower.

Joey: Oh that’s terrible. I’m-I’m really sorry.

Cliff: Yeah.

Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?

Cliff: No.

Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff y’know, sexually?

Cliff: No!

Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, they’re brining in yet another woman.]

Nurse: (calling to the woman) This room’s available.

Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, that’s four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I’m next! It’s my turn! It’s only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me I’m going to sue you! Not this hospital, I’m going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) he’s a lawyer!

Ross: Uh Rach…

Rachel: Go get back on that case honey!

Nurse: I don’t think the next patient is very far along.

Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in.

(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)

Woman: OH….MY….GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, it’s Janice.)

(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued from earlier.]

Janice: I….can’t….believe this!

Ross: And yet somehow it’s true!

Janice: I mean this is so great! We’re gonna be baby buddies! (Does the laugh.)

Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby’s ears!

Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!

Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I don’t think you’ve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist’s office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)

Sid: I still can’t believe it! I’m the luckiest guy in the world!

Ross: (softly) Really?

Sid: (To Janice) What’d he say?

Janice: Oh y’know what? You have to speak very loudly when you’re talking to Sid, because he’s almost completely deaf.

Rachel: Oh!

Ross: Oh there you go!

Rachel: I get it!

Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didn’t even know you got married.

Rachel: Oh we-we didn’t.

Ross: No-no. We…

Janice: What?!

Ross: Um uh…We’re-we’re just having this baby together but uh, uh that’s all.

Janice: Why?!!

Ross: Uh well umm…we’re just not in that place, y’know? But we’re very excited about this.

Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.)

Rachel: Just tell me how.

Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.)

Ross: Sid you lucky deaf bastard.

[Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.]

Phoebe: What else? What else?

Joey: Uh, well he’s 33.

Phoebe: Oh. Ah-uh.

Joey: A widower.

Phoebe: Oh.

Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he’s not into anything weird sexually.

Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.

[Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.]

Chandler: Should we tell Rachel there’s an empty private room right next door to hers?

Monica: We could, or we can have sex in it.

Chandler: Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!

(They start making out again.)

Monica: (lying down on the bed) Okay mister! Fertilize me!

(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)

Monica: Does that sound like Janice?

Chandler: If it’s not, then there’s two of them. And that would mean it’s the end of the world!

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice.]

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hi.

Rachel: Oh hi.

Monica: I can’t believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?

Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you’re trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass?

Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear—(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)—Mother of God it’s true!

Janice: Chandler Bing!

Chandler: Jan-Janice!

Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.

Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.

Chandler: Janice I didn’t even know you were pregnant! Who’s the unwitting human who’s essence you’ve stolen?

Janice: It’s you. This is yours.

Chandler: What?!

Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven’t slept together in years! (Laughs again.)

Chandler: That’s funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?

[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.]

Phoebe: Okay I’ve got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?

Cliff: I’d have to say…the talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that you’re making me eat him.

Phoebe: Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it? I’m sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.)

Cliff: No, I’m sorry. It’s just my foot itches like crazy.

Phoebe: Oh, I’ll get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)

Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.

Phoebe: Relax, it’s not like we’re forking.

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain.]

Rachel: Oh that’s five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesn’t she want to come out?

Ross: Y’know what I think it is? I think you’ve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesn’t want to leave.

Rachel: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another contraction as Dr. Long enters.)

Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, you’re a hero.

Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.

Dr. Long: Actually, I think you’re ready to go to the delivery room.

Rachel: What?

Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, you’re about to become a mom.

Rachel: My God. Okay. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!

[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.]

Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.)

Phoebe: Y’know what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as Cliff sees something on TV.)

Cliff: Oh my God! That’s the doctor who was in my room before!

Phoebe: Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet.

Cliff: I’m telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions!

Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room?

Joey: (entering) Rachel’s having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, I’m a neurologist.

Cliff: That-that’s him! You know him?

Phoebe: Okay. Okay. I—Okay umm…this…I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm y’know, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than I’m coming off right now.

Cliff: I don’t believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?

Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)

Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.

Phoebe: You’re right, that was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?

Cliff: I don’t think so.

Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brother’s triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!

Phoebe: Uh Joey, we’re trying to dial down the crazy.

Joey: Right!

Phoebe: Umm, look we don’t, we don’t really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don’t know about you but that doesn’t happen to me a lot.

Cliff: It doesn’t happen to me either.

Joey: Me neither.

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth.]

Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5…4…

Rachel: 3-2-1 oh!!

Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.

Rachel: I can’t. I can’t push anymore, I can’t.

Ross: Sweetie you’re doing great.

Rachel: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!

Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something.

Ross: What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God!

Rachel: Don’t say, "Oh my God!" Oh my God what?

Ross: What is that?

Dr. Long: It’s the baby’s buttock, she’s breech.

Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.

Rachel: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?

Dr. Long: She’s gonna be fine. Okay, she’s in a more difficult position so you’re gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!

Ross: Go!

Dr. Long: Rachel you’re gonna have to push even harder, nothing’s happening!

Rachel: I’m sorry, I can’t!

Ross: Yes you can!

Rachel: I can’t!

Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let’s go!

Rachel: I can’t. Please, you do it for me.

Ross: No! Come on let’s—One more time! One final push! Ready? 1…2…3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking him down.)

Dr. Long: Good!

Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing!

Rachel: Are you okay?

Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!

Dr. Long: Here we go!

Ross: Oh! Oh! She’s upside down but she’s coming! She’s coming!

Rachel: Oh God!

Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she’s here.

(The newest friend cries.)

Ross: Oh she’s…she’s perfect.

Rachel: Oh, she’s so tiny. (Starts crying) Where’d she go?

Ross: Oh it’s okay. They’re just-they’re just wrapping her up.

Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, she’s really tiny.

Dr. Long: Here she is!

(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, she’s looking at me. Hi! I know you.

Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?

Rachel: No, not yet.

Dr. Long: That’s fine, for now we’ll just call her Baby Girl Green.

Rachel: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.

(Ross and Rachel look into each other’s eyes and kiss.)

Rachel: Hello baby girl.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of the gang enters.]

Phoebe: Can we come in?

Ross: Oh, come in.

Phoebe: Hi!

Joey: There she is!

Phoebe: Oh, she’s so beautiful.

Rachel: Here. (Hands her to Monica.)

Monica: Oh my God! She’s amazing. Oh, oh I’m so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!

Chandler: It’s incredible, I mean one minute she’s inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.

Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Y’know what I mean! She’s this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and…uh-oh.

Rachel: What?

Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we’re good.

Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! You’re so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I won’t.

(Rachel starts crying again.)

Monica: What’s the matter?

Rachel: Oh nothing I… Sorry, I just can’t stop crying.

Ross: The doctor says it’s completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-you’re sleep deprived.

Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.)

Joey: What’s the matter now?

Rachel: I was reliving it.

Phoebe: Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)

Chandler: So, do you know what you’re gonna call her yet?

Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute it’s not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!

Ross: Uh actually, we-we’ve narrowed it down to two names.

Rachel: Yeah, and y’know what? I love them both, so why don’t you just pick one and that’ll be it.

Ross: Wow! Umm, okay uh…everyone…this…is Isabella. (Rachel starts crying.) What?

Rachel: That’s not her name! I’m sorry, she just doesn’t feel like an Isabella.

Chandler: So then I guess Ferdinad is out.

Joey: What was the other one Ross?

Ross: Umm, Delilah.

Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.

Ross: So I guess we’re back to uh, Baby Girl.

Phoebe: Yay!

Rachel: Well what are we going to do?

Monica: It’s okay honey, you’ll find a name.

Ross: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be.

Chandler: You do?

Monica: Yeah, I’ve had them picked out since I was fourteen.

Chandler: Oh no, it’s gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn’t it?

Rachel: Well tell us! What are they?

Monica: Umm, okay. If it’s a boy it’s Daniel.

Rachel: And if it’s a girl?

Monica: I don’t want to say.

Rachel: Oh, just tell us! We’re not gonna want it!

Monica: Okay. It’s Emma.

Rachel: (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I don’t want it.

Monica: Take it.

Rachel: What?

Monica: It’s clearly an Emma.

Rachel: Oh honey, but you love that name.

Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides y’know, nothing goes with Bing. So I’m screwed. I mean… (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, that’s you. You’re our little Em. Oh what’s that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!

[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]

Chandler: That was amazing.

Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.

Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.

[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]

Janice: (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his future bride.

Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn’t he?

Janice: He’s a keeper. How are you feeling?

Rachel: Oh, I’m fine. (Gasps in pain as she sits down.)

Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you’re doing. Just raising her all alone.

Rachel: Oh, I’m not doing it alone. I have Ross.

Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?

Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, it’s Ross!

Janice: I’m telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they’re gonna be there until they start their real family.

Rachel: Well I—That’s never gonna happen with Ross.

Janice: Oh well that’s what I thought about my first husband, now I’m lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.

Rachel: Really?

Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.

Rachel: Well… That’s…y’know—That’s—We’ve been alone for the last twenty minutes we’re doing okay. Besides y’know what? I-I—Maybe we won’t be alone, ‘cause lately I-I—things have been happening between me and Ross, y’know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Y’know? So it might be the…the beginning of something.

Ross: (entering) Hey Janice!

Janice: Oh hi!

Ross: Who’s this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)

Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.

Ross: No-no. No.

Janice: I’m gonna leave the three of you alone.

Ross: Okay.

Janice: Bye. (Exits.)

Ross: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?

Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Y’know what I was, I was thinking about?

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: Umm…that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh?

Ross: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we…we gotta be careful. We…we can’t let that happen again, y’know?

Rachel: (pause) Right.

Ross: I mean we don’t want to go down that road do we?

Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. That’s why I brought it up. (Pause) They didn’t have any sodas?

Ross: Oh my God! I’m sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.

Rachel: That’s all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.

[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up.]

Phoebe: Is she in there?

Ross: Yeah. She’s putting her down now, that’s her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma now.)

Phoebe: Oh!

Ross: Look at Emma!

Phoebe: I just can’t decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?

Ross: Oh what are you kidding? She’s gorgeous, it’s all Rachel.

(Pause)

Phoebe: I’m sorry, for the last time, why aren’t you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because you’re not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.

Ross: It’s…it’s complicated okay?

Phoebe: Yeah that’s true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.

Ross: Look, we’ve been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) It’s just if-if we got together again and it didn’t work out…I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everything—(Starts to cry.) Oh that’s…now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I we’re doing really, we’re doing really well right now.

Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.

Ross: Yeah, exactly.

Phoebe: Right. (Pause) Or you might get everything you’ve wanted since you were fifteen.

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices she’s wiping her eyes.) What’s the matter?

Rachel: Nothing.

Joey: What is it? Hey!

Rachel: Really it’s nothing. I’m just…

Joey: Rach come on, what?

Rachel: I’ve just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone.

Joey: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?

Rachel: Oh please, he’ll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs.

Joey: Okay, how long was I watching that woman?

Rachel: I’m just saying that y’know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and…he’s gonna have his own life. Right?

Joey: Yeah, I guess so.

Rachel: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?

Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to me…you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise that’s not gonna happen.

Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without you?

(They hug.)

Joey: You don’t have to worry about that okay?

(Pause)

Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They’re right on that chair under Ross’s coat.

Joey: Sure.

Rachel: Okay.

(He moves Ross’s coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it’s an engagement ring.)

Joey: My God.

Rachel: Joey.

(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)

Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.

(Joey is stunned.)

[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel’s room.]

[Fade to black.]

Closing Credits

{Transcriber’s Note: As with all the cliffhangers, there was no credits scene. There will be a ninth and final season of Friends starting sometime in September. See you then, have a good summer everyone.}

End

The One Where No One Proposes

Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Rachel’s Room, Joey moves Ross’s coat to get the tissues Rachel wants and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it’s an engagement ring.]

Rachel: Joey.

(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)

Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.

(Joey is stunned.)

[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel’s room.]

[Cut back into Rachel’s room.]

Rachel: So uh…I guess we should…make it official huh?

Joey: Uh… Look Rach…(Ross enters.) Hey Ross is here! Hey look! It’s my good friend Ross. Hey Ross.

Ross: Hey Joey. (To Rachel) Hey you.

Rachel: Hey you.

Joey: Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks Ross, but I’m really more of a candy guy. (Laughs.)

Ross: You’re weird today. (He turns to Rachel and Joey puts the ring back.) (To Rachel) Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you about something.

Rachel: Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.

Ross: Uh Joey, can you give us just a minute?

Joey: No.

Ross: What?

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. I meant no.

Monica: (entering with everyone else including Mr. Geller) Hi! Hey look who’s here!

Mr. Geller: Where’s my granddaughter? I’ve been practicing my magic tricks.

Chandler: He pulled a quarter out of my ear!

Ross: Hey, where’s uh, where’s mom?

Mr. Geller: She went to pick up Aunt Liddy.

Monica: Oh, Aunt Liddy’s coming? That means we get five dollars each!

Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? (Pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.)

Chandler: Okay. Wow.

Ross: Uh Dad, Emma’s in the nursery. I’ll take you now. If you want, but (To Rachel) I really want to talk to you.

Rachel: I know, I still need to talk to you.

Joey: Oh hey but, before you guys do that (To Rachel) I need to talk to you, and Ross, I need to talk to you.

Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh and I need to talk to you.

Monica: About what?

Phoebe: To see if know what these guys are talking about.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Outside the Nursery, everyone but Rachel is standing and looking into the window.]

Monica: Isn’t she beautiful?

Mr. Geller: Look at her, my first grandchild.

Ross: What about Ben?

Mr. Geller: Well of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter. (To Monica, mouths) Wow.

Phoebe: (taking Ross aside) Have umm, have you thought anymore about you and Rachel?

Ross: Oh well yeah, actually I was going to talk to her when you guys all came in the room.

Phoebe: Yay! It’s so exciting! Wow, you could’ve done that with us there.

Ross: Yeah right.

Phoebe: Oh sure okay, you can touch yourself in front of us but you can’t talk to Rachel.

Ross: What?! When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?

Phoebe: Oh please! Just before when you were asleep in the lounge! That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV. Oh, that reminds me. That Mr. Hasmeje still has my Gameboy.

Joey: (taking Chandler aside) Hey Chandler, can I talk to you for a second?

Chandler: Sure.

Joey: Dude I just did something terrible.

Chandler: That was you?! I thought it was Jack!

Joey: No! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me!

Chandler: What?! Why does she think that?

Joey: Because it kinda looked like I did.

Chandler: Again, what?!

Joey: Okay well, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand…

Chandler: As we all are at some point during the day.

Joey: It wasn’t my ring! It fell out of Ross’s jacket! And when I knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing!

Chandler: Ross had a ring?! And he was gonna propose?

Joey: I guess.

Chandler: And you did it first?! This is gonna kill him! You know how much he loves to propose!

Joey: I know! I know it’s awful.

Chandler: Well, what did she say?

Joey: (happily) She said yes.

Chandler: Does Ross know?

Joey: Oh God, what the hell am I going to tell him?

Chandler: Well maybe you don’t have to tell him anything.

Joey: Oh, I like that. Yeah…

Chandler: If you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass!

Joey: (laughs) Now let’s not get carried away. (He walks away as Monica comes over and hugs Chandler from behind.)

Monica: I want a baby.

Chandler: Honey, we’ve been over this. I need to be facing the other way.

Monica: Come on! Come on, if we have sex again it’ll double our chances of getting pregnant. Do you think that closet’s still available?

Chandler: I’m so tired. (She starts kissing him.) Yeah okay, but no foreplay.

Monica: Deal!

[Back in front of the nursery window.]

Ross: Dad seriously! Y’know you really should see someone about that!

Mr. Geller: Noted.

Ross: I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are you gonna be okay alone for a bit?

Mr. Geller: Are you kidding me, I could stay and look at her forever.

Ross: (noticing something) Actually umm… (He turns Mr. Geller’s head to look at Emma.)

[Scene: Rachel’s Room, Phoebe is entering.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hi.

Phoebe: Are you all right?

Rachel: Uhh… I think I just got engaged.

Phoebe: Oh my God! He did it?

Rachel: Well…did you know he was gonna ask me?

Phoebe: Are you kidding? I’m like the one who talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.

Rachel: And you really think this is a good idea?

Phoebe: I just talked him into it, don’t tell me I have to do you too. The puppet master gets tired people.

Rachel: I just don’t know! It just doesn’t feel right.

Phoebe: Why?! You two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so.

Rachel: Really?! Even Ross?

Phoebe: Especially Ross!

Joey: (entering) Oh uh, hey Pheebs. Uh y’know what? I’ll-I’ll come back later. (He goes to leave but runs into Ross who’s entering.)

Ross: Wow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house here. I’ll guess just…I’ll come back. (Ross exits followed by Joey.)

Phoebe: There he goes, your fiancée.

Rachel: I guess so.

Phoebe: Although he does play with himself in his sleep.

Rachel: I can’t say that I’m surprised.

[Scene: A hallway, Joey and Ross find Mr. Geller with his ear up against a janitor’s closet door.]

Ross: Dad, what are you doing?

Mr. Geller: I think there are people in there having sex.

(Ross turns to look at Joey.)

Joey: It can’t be me, I’m standing right here.

Mr. Geller: Wanna peek?

Ross: No!

Mr. Geller: Come on!

Ross: Y’know what? I don’t like you without mom. (To Joey) Come on. (Walks away.)

Joey: (To Ross) We’re not peeking? (Follows him.)

Mr. Geller: Well I’m peeking. (He peeks.) Oh my God!

Chandler: Hello sir, you know Monica.

[Scene: Rachel’s Room, she is taking the ring out of Ross’s jacket, looks at it, and puts it on her finger as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey uh, is it okay to come in?

Rachel: Of course! Oh Joey, this ring I…it’s beautiful I love it!

Joey: Yeah uh look Rach, there’s something I gotta tell ya.

(There’s a knock on the door and a nurse enters carrying Emma.)

Rachel: Hey!

Nurse: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again?

Rachel: Yeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think she won’t take my breast?

Nurse: It’s all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but don’t worry. It’ll happen.

Joey: (watching) Yowsa! (Looks away.)

Rachel: Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your mouth.

Joey: Dear Lord.

Rachel: I’m sorry honey, what were you saying?

Joey: Oh uh-uh yeah, I think that…

Rachel: Oh look, she’s pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? (Joey gets embarrassed.) She looks scared. Doesn’t she look scared?

Joey: Y’know, I don’t really know her.

Nurse: Why don’t we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow. (Does so.)

Joey: (To God) Are you kidding me?!

Rachel: It’s just so frustrating! Why doesn’t she want my breast?!

Joey: I don’t know! Maybe she’s crazy! (Storms out.)

[Scene: The Lobby, Ross is eating a sandwich as Phoebe rushes up to him.]

Phoebe: Oh hey! Wait up!

Ross: Hi!

Phoebe: Congratulations! I didn’t want to say anything in front of Joey ‘cause I didn’t know if he knew yet.

Ross: What, that we had a baby? Come on let’s give him a little credit, although, he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.

Phoebe: No! No, that you and Rachel are engaged!

Ross: What?

Phoebe: Oh, it’s a secret. Oh goodie! Yes! We haven’t done the secret thing in a long time.

Ross: Phoebe, there is no secret. Okay? I didn’t propose.

Phoebe: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us that you were a doctor?

Ross: (pause) I am a doctor! Y’know what? I’m just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself.

Phoebe: All right, me too. (They go into her room and see that she’s sleeping.) Should we wake her up?

Ross: No! No, come on let her sleep! She’s so exhausted.

Phoebe: And so engaged. (Points to the ring that Rachel is wearing.)

Ross: What? (Motions for Phoebe to go outside with him.) Oh my God! She-she thinks we’re engaged! Why? Why? Why would she think we’re engaged?!

Phoebe: Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? Y’know Ross doctors are supposed to be smart.

Ross: I didn’t give her that ring!

Phoebe: Really?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: So whose ring is it?

Ross: It’s mine.

Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring?

Ross: Yes!

Phoebe: But you didn’t give it to her?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: But you were going to propose?

Ross: No!!

Phoebe: Huh, I might be losing interest in this.

Ross: Look. Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do is if she maybe…kinda…wanted ah…start…things up again.

Phoebe: Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment.

Ross: Look, I didn’t want to rush into anything. And it seemed like she didn’t want to either. But I don’t, I don’t understand how any of this happened! What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume that I was going to propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people?

Phoebe: No! No, she said you actually proposed to her.

Ross: Well I didn’t! I didn’t propose! (Pause) Unless uh… (Pause) Did I? I haven’t slept in forty hours and…it does sound like something I would do.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Janitor’s Closet, Chandler and Monica are trying to figure out what to do now.]

Chandler: Look, we can’t stay in here forever.

Monica: Oh, I still can’t believe my dad saw us having sex! He didn’t make it to one of piano recitals, but this he sees!

Chandler: This is okay. We’re all adults here; there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Now, let’s put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door. (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning against a wall stunned.)

Monica: Hi Dad! I can still call you that right?

Mr. Geller: Of course. I’ll always be your dad.

Chandler: I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn’t for fun.

Monica: It wasn’t fun?!

Chandler: (To Monica) Why? Why-why-would you—Wh-why… (To Mr. Geller) Look, I just don’t want you to think that we’re animals who do it whenever we want.

Mr. Geller: Oh, I don’t think that. Before today I never thought of you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time.

Monica: The truth is, Dad, we’re-we’re trying.

Mr. Geller: What?

Monica: Yeah, we’re trying to get pregnant.

Mr. Geller: Oh my God! This is so exciting! Well, get back in there! (Points to the closet) I’ll guard the door!

Monica: Well, that’s okay dad, we-we can wait until later.

Mr. Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa! I don’t think so! Aren’t you ovulating?

Monica: Daddy?!

Mr. Geller: Well you gotta get at it princess! When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That’s how I got my bad hip.

Chandler: That’s funny, this conversation’s how I got the bullet hole in my head.

Mr. Geller: This one time I had my knee up on the sink and your mother, she was…

Monica: Daddy! I don’t think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had sex.

Mr. Geller: You’re right, you’re right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child, although it might feel good.

Monica: I don’t feel good right now.

Mr. Geller: But pleasure is important, (To Chandler) and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor?

Chandler: Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall.

[Scene: Rachel’s Room, Monica is entering.]

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. I need to tell you something.

Monica: Well, now’s a good time. I’m on my way to have my ears cut off.

Rachel: Joey asked me marry him.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Joey proposed to me.

Monica: Is he crazy?! You just had Ross’s baby!

Rachel: Well, I-I said yes.

Monica: What?! Are you crazy? You just had Ross’s baby! It’s-it’s so inappropriate. No, it’s worse than that. It’s wrong. It’s… It is bigger than mine! (Rachel’s engagement ring.)

Rachel: I know. Days of Our Lives, thank you very much.

Monica: You can’t marry him!

Rachel: Why not? I don’t want to do this alone! And he’s such a sweet guy and he loves me so much.

Monica: Well do you love him?

Rachel: Sure.

Monica: Sure?

Rachel: Yeah, I mean whatever.

Monica: Honey, the question is…do you really want to marry Joey?

Rachel: No. No, I don’t. Could you be a dear and go tell him?

[Scene: A Hallway, Chandler is following Joey.]

Chandler: You still haven’t told Rachel you weren’t really proposing?

Joey: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out.

Chandler: Joey, you have to tell her what’s going on! And what did it look like?!

Joey: I didn’t look at it. Stupid baby’s head was blocking most of it.

Chandler: Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out.

Joey: Look, it’s not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I don’t want to hurt her.

Chandler: Okay, look, just do it gently.

Joey: You’re right. You’re right. I-I’ll go tell her now before Ross finds out and I’ll be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there (Points to the closet Chandler and Monica were in) if you want to check that out.

[Scene: Rachel’s Room, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Listen, I um… I heard about the engagement.

Rachel: Surprised?

Ross: And confused. Rach, sweetie, I-I um…I didn’t propose to you.

Rachel: I know.

Ross: I don’t think you do.

Rachel: You didn’t propose to me. Joey did.

Ross: Poor baby, you’re so tired. Rach, I didn’t propose to you, Joey didn’t propose to you, and Chandler didn’t propose to you.

Rachel: Uh… You didn’t propose to me, Chandler didn’t propose to me, but Joey did.

(Joey enters.)

Ross: Joey proposed to you?

Joey: I can come back.

Ross: Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her?

Joey: No.

Rachel: Yes you did!

Joey: Actually, technically, I didn’t.

Rachel: Well then why did you give me a ring?

Ross: Wait! Whoa-whoa, you…you gave her the ring?

Joey: No! No, and I did not ask her to marry me!

Rachel: Yes, you did!

Joey: No, I didn’t!

Rachel: Yes, you did!

Joey: No, I didn’t!

Rachel: Yes, you did! And don’t you say, "No, I didn’t!"

Joey: Ahhh!

Rachel: He was right there. He got down on one knee and proposed.

Ross: Whoa! You were down on one knee?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But I didn’t…I didn’t propose!

Ross: Then what did happen?

Rachel: Yeah, what did happen?

Joey: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing.

Rachel: Yeah, but you said, "Will you marry me?"

Joey: No, I didn’t!

Rachel: Yes, you did!

Joey: No, I didn’t!

Rachel: Yes, you did—Oh my God you didn’t! (Screams) Well then why didn’t you tell me that before?!

Joey: Well I tried, but people kept coming in and then you took your breast out!

Ross: Whoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?!

Joey: (To Ross) I’ll tell you about it later. Be cool.

Rachel: Well then Joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?!

Joey: It wasn’t my ring! It’s Ross’s ring! That’s why I felt so bad Rach, because he was going to propose.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: You were gonna propose to me?

Ross: Uhh… No.

(An awkward silence follows.)

Joey: Well, this is awkward. {See? I told you so.}

Ross: But I-I was going to see if y’know, maybe you uh, start dating again but that—I mean that-that was all, Rach.

Joey: Dude, step up! I proposed.

Ross: No, you didn’t!

Joey: Oh that’s right. There’s a lot going on here and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier.

(There’s a knock on the door and the Nurse enters carrying Emma.)

Nurse: Hey, she just woke up! She’s hungry. Why don’t we give this another try?

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: (To Joey) I can’t believe you told her I was going to propose!

Joey: I can’t believe you’re not going to propose!

Ross: Hey, I’m not going to rush into anything!

Joey: Oh yeah, dude, I totally understand. Usually after I have a baby with a woman I like to slow things down!

Rachel: Oh my God!

Ross: What?

Rachel: She’s doing it Look, she’s breast-feeding look!

Joey: (looking at the ceiling) Ah, it’s beautiful.

Nurse: I’ll come back for her later.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Thank you. (The nurse exits.)

Rachel: Oh wow, this feels weird.

Ross: Good weird?

Rachel: Wonderful weird.

Joey: Y’know what you guys? I’m uh, I’m gonna go too. And uh, I’m sorry about everything.

Rachel: Honey don’t worry, it was my mistake.

Joey: No, Rach, I should’ve told you sooner. It’s just that…Man! That kid is going to town! (Joey makes his awkward exit.)

Rachel: She’s perfect.

Ross: We’re so lucky.

Rachel: We really are.

Ross: Look, I-I know it’s not a proposal and I don’t know where you are, but with everything that’s been going on and with Emma and…I’ve been feeling…

Rachel: I know. I know. I’ve feeling…

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah. (Laughs nervously)

Ross: Okay, well, that… Wow, okay, well, umm…then maybe, at least we can, we can talk about us again.

Rachel: Yeah, maybe.

Ross: Well good, okay. I-I, kind of think y’know if we…if… You’re wearing the ring.

(Pause.)

Rachel: Wh-what’s that?

Ross: And you told Phoebe you were engaged.

Rachel: I’m sorry, what?

Ross: When you thought Joey proposed did…did you say yes?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Outside the Janitor’s Closet, there are people having sex and Mr. Geller is trying to give them some pamphlets.]

Mr. Geller: Kids, I spoke to a doctor and picked up this pamphlets on how to get pregnant. (He slides them under the door.)

Monica: (walking by with Chandler.) Hey dad!

Chandler: Hey.

Mr. Geller: (pause) Sorry to bother you again, but could you pass my pamphlets back? (They do so.) Thank you.

End

The One Where Emma Cries

Written by: Dana Klein Borkow

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Rachel’s Hospital Room, Ross is sitting next to Rachel.]

Ross: You said you’d marry Joey?

Rachel: Okay you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I would have said yes to anybody. Like that time you and I got married! (Pause) I’m not helping.

Ross: So you said yes to him, and you just had our baby?

Rachel: That is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give the mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go.

Ross: So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again, you were engaged to my best friend.

Rachel: Well—Really? I thought Chandler was your best friend.

Ross: Well, Chandler’s my oldest friend, but Joey’s my—No! Ah! (points at Rachel)

Rachel: Ooooo!

Joey: (Enters) Hey you guys I’m gonna take off. I just wanted to let you guys know, say goodbye.

Ross: Rachel said she’d marry you?!

Joey: (He looks around the room) This isn’t the right room, sorry folks. (leaves)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are waiting for Ross and Rachel to come home and Monica is looking at the sign Phoebe bought that says, "It’s a Boy!"]

Monica: Ok, I don’t wanna be negative so I’ll say that most of the signs you bought are good.

Phoebe: No they ran out of "It’s a girl" but I can fix this one, (She writes "not" in between it’s and a) See?

Monica: (looking at Chandler sleeping with a balloon in his mouth) So sexy. (Waking him up.) Honey.

Chandler: Yea yea. (Pulls the balloon out of his mouth)

Monica: Honey why don’t you go lie down.

Chandler: No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office (Pulls another balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing them?

Joey: Why’re you so tired?

Chandler: Couldn’t sleep last night you know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldn’t sleep.  Y’know? I was like, if I fall asleep now I’ll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I’ll get five hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn’t fall asleep.

Joey: You know what you should’ve done, you should have told yourself that little story.

Rachel: (enters with Emma) Hi!

Everyone: Hi, welcome home!

Monica: Phoebe did the signs!

Rachel: Oh you guys thanks for doing this.

Phoebe: Look at all the stuff people sent!

Rachel: Oh Ah! (Sees a big stuffed gorilla) Oh my gosh there’s something every mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment! What are people think… (Reads the card) Oh you guys I love it.

Joey: Hey so where’s Ross?

Rachel: He’s downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.

Joey: Is he still mad at us?

Rachel: Well, you more then me, but he can’t stay to mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby.

Joey: That’s not fair! I can’t do that.

Rachel: Yeah, I’m not so sure you should be here when he comes up.

Joey: See this is what I was afraid of, I didn’t think I should be here either but somebody (Looks at Chandler) said he’d be over it by now.

Chandler: Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.

[Scene: A Boardroom, Chandler keeps drifting off to sleep at his meeting.]

Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago, and London are consistently solid, but many of our officers have reported disappointing fields.

(Chandler drifts off and his arm slips off the table and he wakes back up.)

Ms. McKenna: Boston is down, Atlanta is down, Houston is down, I could go on and on but instead of boring you I’ll go straight to my forty two point plan.

(Chandler leans over to fall asleep on the man’s shoulder next to him, only the man catches his attempt.)

Chandler: Walter (nods).

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Phoebe, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are watching Emma sleep.]

Phoebe: She’s just so cute! I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy.

Monica: Phoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a pita pocket.

Ross: (enters from the bed room) Okay I put most of the stuff away.

Rachel: Oh great, the pacifiers?

Ross: In the closet.

Rachel: The burping clogs?

Ross: Linen closet.

Rachel: The diapers?

Ross: In the hospital.

Phoebe: Wow you guys got a hospital?  Fancy!

Ross: No I left the diapers at the hospital! There’s some in the bag but I’ll run out and get some more.

Rachel: Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin?

Ross: Sure what kind?

Rachel: Umm let me think...What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t...

Ross: Please take your time, it’s an important decision. Not like, say, I know! deciding to marry someone, this is about a muffin.

Rachel: Blueberry.

Ross: Blueberry it is.

Rachel: Thanks.

Monica: Wow, he’s really not letting this go, is he?

Rachel: God how long do you think that’s gonna last?

Phoebe: I dunno, well he got over the "We were on a break" thing really quickly.

Rachel: Y’know I can’t even worry about that right now, cause I got the cutie little baby, oh I can’t believe how much I love her, I can’t get enough of her, like right now I miss her.  I actually miss her.

Phoebe: You know that’s… that’s her.

Rachel: Oh god look at her sleeping.  Oh, I love her so much!  Oh, I think I’m gonna wake her up.

Phoebe: Oh no, Rach, no no, you know you’re never supposed to wake a sleeping baby.

Rachel: Well I can do whatever I want!  I made her! (Waking Emma up.) Come on little girl, hi!

(Emma starts crying)

Phoebe: I can say I told you so but she’s kinda doing that for me.

Rachel: Oh I’m sorry mummy’s so sorry go back to sleep go back to sleep. Shh.   Shhh! Go back to sleep

(Emma continues crying in the background)

Monica: Breaks your heart doesn’t it

Phoebe: It really does… how long do you think we have to stay?

[Scene: A Boardroom, Chandler’s meeting continues.]

Ms. McKenna: Ok if everyone’s on board, it’s settled, Chandler, (Walter puts his hand on Chandlers hand, Chandler sleeping puts his hand on top of his, he then wakes up and pulls his hand away) Chandler?

Chandler: Yep.

Ms. McKenna: Are you on board?

Chandler: (not knowing what he’s saying yes to) Yes.

Ms. McKenna: Then, problem solved. Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa. You’re gonna love Oklahoma.

(Chandler smiles and nods then realizes what he’s agreed to.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Emma continues crying while Rachel, Monica and Phoebe try different methods to stop her crying.]

Phoebe: Well, alright, we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe!

Monica: Alright here’s something, it says to try holding the baby close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side.

Rachel: Ok. (Starts swinging Emma rapidly and she stops crying)

Monica: It worked!

Rachel: Oh (happy) oh no just stopped to throw up a little bit. (Emma starts crying again.) Oh come on, what am I gonna do, its been hours and it won’t stop crying.

Monica: Umm, she Rach, not it, she.

Rachel: Yeah, I’m not so sure.

Monica: Oh my god, I am losing my mind.

Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Rachel’s muffin.]

Ross: Hey Gunther, can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go? (He puts a bag with diapers in it on the counter.)

Gunther: Diapers huh?

Ross: Yep.

Gunther: So I guess Rachel had you baby?

Ross: Yep, can you believe it?

Gunther: Nope!  I still can’t believe she slept with you in the first place.

Ross: Huh? Ooh (laughs) you mean like a… Huh?

Joey: (entering) Hey. (Ross turns to see who it is, and seeing it’s Joey he just ignores him and turns back around.) Ross, I know you’re pissed at me, but we have to talk about this.

Ross: Ah actually we don’t. (Ross walks off)

Joey:  Fine, fine okay.  But I gotta say technically, I didn’t even do anything wrong.

Ross: (turns back) What! (Angrily) You didn’t do anything wrong?!

Joey: I said I didn’t technically.

Ross: Okay let’s put aside that you (Makes quote marks with his fingers.) "accidentally" picked up my grandmothers ring and you (Does it again) "accidentally" proposed to Rachel.

Joey: Look, can I just stop you right there for a second? When people do this (Makes quote marks with his fingers.) I don’t really know what that means. (Ross just looks at him) You were saying?

Ross: And I can even understand that you couldn’t tell Rachel, but why couldn’t you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didn’t.

Joey: I know I should’ve. (Makes quote marks again.) "I’m sorry."

Ross: Not using it right, Joe.

(He brings his hands in closer to his face then does it again.)

Ross: I’m gonna go.

Joey: No, come on Ross! (He grabs his bag so he can’t leave) Look, Ross, we have to get past this.

Ross: Give me the bag.

Joey: No, look, I don’t know what else to do. I said I’m sorry!

Ross: Joey!

Joey: You should scream at me, or-or-or curse me, or hit me.

Ross: I’m not gonna hit you.

Joey: Why not?  You’ll feel better!  I’ll feel better, and you know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.

Ross: No I don’t.

Joey: A little bit.

Ross: No.

Joey: Little bit.

Ross: No!

Joey: (excited) A little bit more.

Ross: Give me the bag.

Joey: No, hit me

Ross: Give me the bag.

Joey: Hit me.

Ross: Joey, give me the bag.

Joey: Hit me!

Ross: Joe I’m not kidding…

Joey: (interrupting) Hit me, hit me.

Ross: No!

Joey: (shouts) Hit me! Hit me!

(Ross throws a punch, but Joey ducks and Ross punches the pole. Ross then screams from the pain and turns to Gunther, and Gunther has a huge smile on his face.)

Ross: You ducked!!

Joey: I’m sorry! It was a reflex!

Ross: Oh my god, this really hurts!!!

Joey: I couldn’t help it! When a fist comes at your face, you duck! Look! (He goes to punch Ross, expecting him to duck, but he doesn’t and Joey punches Ross.   Gunther is amused.)

Ross: What is the matter with you?!?

Joey: You were supposed to duck!!! Why didn’t you duck?

Ross: Why don’t we talk about this on the way to the hospital?

Joey: Good, good yeah, (Grabs the bags) maybe while we’re there, they can check your reflexes. (Joey opens the door and it hits Ross in the face with it.) (Makes quote marks.) "Oops."

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Emma is still crying.]

Monica: Try feeding her again.

Rachel: I already fed her.

Monica: I know, that’s why I said again!

Phoebe: Alright you guys, we can’t turn on each other, Okay?  That’s just what she wants.

Chandler: (enters) Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute?

Rachel: Oh no, you guys, just stay here, I’m gonna go check her diaper, Pheebs you wanna come?

Phoebe: Oh I’m kinda part of this.

Chandler: Actually Pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing

Phoebe: I knew I should have married Chandler.

(Phoebe and Rachel go to the back room and Emma continues to cry in the background while Chandler and Monica talk.)

Monica: Okay what’s up

Chandler: Umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could write and we could take a picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux?

Monica: Oh yeah (smiles).

Chandler: Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?

Monica: What? Who says that?

Chandler: People who’ve never ever been to Paris.

Monica: What’s going on?

Chandler: We’re moving to Tulsa! (Makes a excited expression on his face)

Monica: Excuse me?

Chandler: Okay, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, she asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently, said yes.

Monica: (stands up angry) Tulsa, Oklahoma!

Chandler: The Sooner State, whatever that is.

Monica: Chandler, I don’t even wanna see the musical Oklahoma!

Chandler: Really? Oh What A Beautiful Morning!  Surrey With A Fringe On Top.

Monica: Are you trying to tell me that we’re moving to Oklahoma, or that you’re gay? All right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?

Chandler: No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. (Monica’s not impressed.) I’ll get out of it.

Monica: Thank you.

Chandler: (hears Emma crying) What is wrong with Emma?

Monica: Oh she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to Tulsa.

[Scene: Ms. McKenna’s Office, Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Umm ma’am, do you have a minute? (She points for him to come in) I kind of have some bad news. I don’t think I can move to Tulsa.

Ms. McKenna: What?

Chandler: It’s a funny story, actually. (coughs) I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said I’d move to Tulsa, I didn’t really know what I was saying.

Ms. McKenna: You fell asleep?

Chandler: But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, ain’t that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright (he sits down). See, here’s the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she won’t go. See, me, I love Tulsa!  Tulsa is heaven!  Tulsa is Italy—Please don’t make me go there!

Ms. McKenna: Chandler, I…

Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! (She glares at him.) That’s a picture of your daughter, isn’t it, well she’s lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. I’ll call you from Tulsa. (Exits.)

[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is sitting in the lobby as Ross enters.]

Joey: Hey, so how is it?

Ross: I broke my thumb.

Joey: Your thumb? That’s weird. (Makes a fist.) You sure you’re punching right? Make a fist. (Ross just looks at him with his thumb in a cast.) Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.

Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms. (Tries to hold the pen but can’t)

Joey: You, you want me to help you with that?

Ross: Why, does it look like I’m having trouble with my misshapen claw? (He hands Joey the form)

Joey: Name? (Ross looks at him.) I know Ross but what’s it short for? You know like, like Rossel or Rosstepher.

Ross: Just Ross!

Joey: It’s pretty, Okay date of birth?

Ross: You know my birthday.

Joey: Sure, May...tember.

Ross: October 18th.

Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.

Ross: Actually I’m a palian… Dinosaurs is fine… the drawing is not.

Joey: Alright, who do you want as your emergency contact?

Ross: Ah, Rachel I guess.

Joey: Okay, relationship, boy this could take a while.

Ross: Just ah… just put roommate.

Joey: Come on, you guys are more then that! I mean, you’re gonna get together right?

Ross: I don’t think that we are.

Joey: But you two were supposed to be together.

Ross: Well, I thought so too, but then she said she’d marry you.

Joey: Come on, Ross, that didn’t mean anything! She just had the baby, she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she would have said yes to anybody.

Ross: Yeah that’s what she said.

Joey: So?

Ross: So I don’t wanna be just anybody.

Joey: Wow.

Ross: You know what, it’s, it’s better this way anyway. I mean I don’t know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. It’s just much easier if we’re just friends who have a kid.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: And you’re Okay with that?

Ross: Yes. I mean, it’s what we always planned.  And if you have a plan, you should stick to it.  That’s why they call them plans.  Hello? (Pause) I’m fine.

Joey: Hey, for what it’s worth, with Rachel I don’t think you’ll ever be just (Makes quote marks.) "anybody."

Ross: Hey there you go! (Smiles because Joey used it correctly)

Joey: (makes quote marks) "Thanks."

(Ross looks away, not bothering)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Emma continues to cry.]

Rachel: Oh my God! How long has she been crying?

Monica: About a week and a half.

Phoebe: Well alright, looks like you guys have got it under control so I’m just gonna go. (She gets up and Rachel looks at her, upset, and Monica just stares.) No! Really? Misery really does love company. All right! (She sits back down.)

Monica: Rach, try holding her a different way.

Rachel: You guys, I’m doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try.

Phoebe: Alright, I’ll try, fine! Yes, Okay!

Rachel: Here you go. (Hands Emma to Phoebe)

Phoebe: Shh! Nothing works with this child! (Hands her back.)

Rachel: Oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I can’t even comfort my own baby! I’m the worst mother ever!

Monica: You’re just new at this, it’ll get better, think about your first day at work. I mean, that couldn’t have been easy but you figured that out.

Rachel: Yeah I don’t think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh my god just please take her.

Monica: Okay I’ll take her, here. (Takes Emma)

Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom. (Goes to the bathroom)

Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow. (Goes to scream into a pillow)

Monica: (To Emma) Bouncy baby, Bouncy baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby. (Emma stops crying and falls asleep)

Phoebe: (entering) Have I gone deaf?

Monica: It worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby!

Phoebe: You must be a fireball in bed.

Monica: I can’t believe it!  She’s asleep!  I got her to go to sleep!   I have actual magical powers!

Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds!  I can hear the voices in my head again! (Monica looks at her strangely) I’m kidding. (She smiles wickedly.)

Rachel: Oh my God! You got her to stop crying!

Monica: Yes I did, I’m Monica, Super Aunt

Rachel: You are the official baby crier stopper!

Monica: Yes I am!!

Rachel: You’re never leaving the apartment!

Monica: Say what?

Rachel: That’s your new job, day and night, she starts crying I need you here.

Monica: (stands up to hand Emma back) Oh no no no no!

Phoebe: Thankfully you don’t need me at all (gets up and to leave) so Okay Super aunt see you later! Rachel let’s give it six to eight months (she leaves).

Rachel: Okay so listen I’m gonna go lay down.

Monica: What?

Rachel: You know the book says that whenever she’s sleeping I should be sleeping so… (She gives Monica thumbs and goes to lay down)

Chandler: (entering, loudly) Hey!

Monica: Shhh! We just got her to go to sleep

Chandler: Oh so there can’t be any yelling.

Monica: No.

Chandler: We’re moving to Tulsa

Monica: (loudly) What!?

Chandler: Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! (Walks backwards towards the door) I can’t, I can’t hear you. (He runs out)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Heeeeey, where have you been? (He shows her his thumb) What happened to you?

Ross: Ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad you should see him.

Rachel: Oh no Ross! This is not good, we have to talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. (He sits) You have got to get over this Joey thing, okay? I never really wanted to marry Joey, okay?

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: You know what I really really want?

Ross: What, Rach?

Rachel: I wanna sleep, I wanna eat, I wanna take a shower, I mean before she wakes up and we gotta do this all over again.

Ross: (smiles) Right.

Rachel: I mean I got news for you mister, Emma?  Not easy.

Ross: Well, that’s what I’m here for. (Emma starts crying again) Want me to get that?

Rachel: No its really okay… Monica!

Monica: (comes running out the kitchen to the bedroom) Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are sitting at one of the high tables.]

Joey: You know, ah, I’ve been thinking about this and I gotta tell ya, it’s not my fault. It’s a natural instinct.

Chandler: (enters) Hey, what you guys talking about?

Joey: Hey OK great, what would you do if I did this? (Swings to punch Chandler, he moves and he ends up punching Ross, knocking him off the stool. Ross then gets up and just stares at Joey.)

End

903 - The One With The Pediatrician

Written by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones

Directed by: Roger Christiansen

Transcribed by: Ane B. J.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment]

(Ross and Rachel enter)

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey! So what's the big news you had us rush all the way over here for?

Chandler: Okay, our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in Tulsa , so as of Monday I'm being officially relocated.

Ross: Oh my God!

Phoebe: What?!

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Monday?!

Joey: How long do you have to go for?

Chandler: They said it could be up to a year.

Joey: A year?!

Rachel: (To Monica) Do you have to go?

Monica: I kind of have to don't I? Because of this stupid thing (Points to her wedding ring.)

Chandler: There is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?

Joey: Wait a minute, you can't go to Tulsa. Maybe you forgot, but we've got tickets to the Jets game next week.

Chandler: I'm sorry buddy, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it.

Joey: We were gonna go see the Jets!

Ross: You can't go, I mean you're the glue that holds this group together!

Chandler: Really?

Ross: Not you.

Joey: I can't believe you guys are moving.

Phoebe: I call their apartment!!!

Everyone: No!!! Ah!! Ahh!!!

[INTRO]

[Scene: Central Perk]

Joey: Here you are (Hands Rachel a cup of coffee)

Rachel: Thank you Joey. You know what? I'm not even sure I can have caffeine.

Ross: I went thru this with Ben and Carol. One cup of coffee won't affect your milk.

Rachel: Yeah. Just to be sure I'm gonna call Dr. Wiener.

Joey: (Laughs)

Rachel: Every time? (She takes up her cell phone and starts dialing.)

Joey: Uhuh.

Ross: Rach, you don't have to call whenever you have a little question, okay? Trust me, I know this.

Rachel: All right, I trust you. (Continues to dial)

Ross: Rachel, I can see you dialing! I don't understand why...

Rachel: I'm on the phone! (On the phone) Dr. Wiener? (Ross and Rachel walk away)

Joey: (Laughs)

Phoebe: It's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel with a baby. It's just so grown up.

Joey: I know, yeah. I feel like we're all growing up. Person named Wiener, God that kills me. (Laughs)

Phoebe: Look at you all grown up.

Joey: Actually, you know what? I am. That whole thing with Rachel made me realize that maybe I'm ready for a more serious relationship. You know? Like I'd like to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. And looks aren't as important as...Nah, she's gotta be hot.

Phoebe: You know, I might know somebody. Hey, how about you set me up with someone, and we double date!

Joey: I can do that, yeah. How is Friday?

Phoebe: Done. Oh good, really?

Joey: Yeah!

Phoebe: Let's see! (Opens her address book.) Oh, you know who's great? Sandy Poophack.

Joey: (Laughs) Poophack... (Laughs)

Phoebe: Yeah... All right, well that rules out Lana Titweiller

Joey: (Laughs)

[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]

Chandler: (Enters) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: I've got good news!

Monica: You got out of the whole Tulsa thing?

Chandler: Okay, I have news. You don't have to move to Tulsa. You can stay here and keep your job.

Monica: It's great! How?

Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa four days a week, so the other three I can be here with you.

Monica: So you're gonna be gone four days a week? (Thinks about it.) No.

Chandler: I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that?

Monica: No. I can't be away from you for that long.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Yeah, you're my husband. I'm not gonna live in a different state than you for 208 days out of the year.

Chandler: That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa.

Monica: Honey, thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if you're going to Tulsa, I wanna go with you.

Chandler: Hey, you said that without gagging!

Monica: I know! (They high-five.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment]

Rachel: (On the phone) Excuse me? Oh yeah? Well, up yours too! (Hangs up)

Ross: (Enters from his bedroom)Who the hell was that?!

Rachel: Dr. Wiener.

Ross: Rach, you can't call people at three in the morning.

Rachel: Oh you know what, you sound just like his wife!

Ross: Was there anything you did wrong with Emma?

Rachel: Yes, of course there is! Okay? I'm not insane!

Ross: Well, what was it?

Rachel: Hiccups.

Ross: Rach, I told you, you can't call him every time any little thing comes up.

Rachel: Yeah well, not anymore I can't. He fired us! What are we gonna do? We have to find a pediatrician. Wait wait, Monica said that when you guys were growing up, you really liked your doctor. What was his name?

Ross: Dr. Gettleman? Yeah I know, I don't think that's a good idea. In fact, I think he's dead.

Rachel: Argh! Why does everything happen to me?!

Ross: Rach, I promise first thing tomorrow we'll find another doctor, but I gotta get up early and I'm not feeling all that well.

Rachel: What? What, do you mean you're not feeling well? What do you have? Is it Rubella? Because don't go near Emma, she has not had that shot.

Ross: You know? Come to think of it, it does feel Rubella-like! (Walks back into his room.)

Rachel: (Grabs the phone and stars dialing) (On phone) (In a high pitch voice) Wiener, Wiener (In a low pitch voice) Wiener, Wiener!!!

Ross: (Comes back into the living room) Rachel!!!

Rachel: Great! Now he's gonna know it was me!

[Scene: Joey's apartment]

Phoebe: (Enters) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: So how is this for our big double date tonight? (She is all dressed up)

Joey: (Realizes that he has forgotten all about the double date) Oh my God!

Phoebe: Ooh, great! Just the reaction I was hoping for.

Joey: Yeah, so you found someone for me. You didn't forget?

Phoebe: Of course not! And you're gonna love Mary Ellen. She's really smart and cute and funny, and I can't tell you how I know this, but she' not opposed to threesomes. So tell me some about my guy.

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Come on, give me something. What's his name?

Joey: Mike.

Phoebe: Mike? Okay! What's his last name?

Joey: Damnit! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore!?

Phoebe: All right, we'll se you and Mike at the restaurant in a couple hours.

Joey and Phoebe: (Ad-lib good-byes) (Phoebe leaves)

Joey: Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have said... (Looks through his address book) There's no guy in there!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment]

Rachel: It's impossible to find a good doctor. I mean, how do you know the good ones from the ones who are gonna push their penis against your knee?

Monica: Excuse me?

Chandler: I know what she's talking about.

Rachel: We've got to find a new pediatrician. Ross was getting sick last night, and I think Emma may have caught it.

Monica: Why don't you go see Dr. Gettleman?

Rachel: Ross said he died.

Monica: He didn't die. I saw his daughter last week. Said he was fine. Her on the other hand, botched Botox.

Rachel: Oh, great! Well, then I'm gonna take Emma to see him. I wonder why Ross said that he died.

Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.

Chandler: He saw a therapist?

Monica: Yeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare, just really freaked him out.

Rachel: Why? What was it?

Monica: That I was going to eat him.

[Scene: Central Perk]

(Joey walks in and looks around. He's trying to find a Mike for Phoebe)

Joey: MIKE!!!

Mike: Yeah?

Joey: (Checks him out) Okay! (Walks over to his table and sits down with him)

[Scene: Restaurant]

Mike: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so I guess I should be open and taking some risks.

Joey: Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.

Mike: I am Mike.

Joey: Atta boy!

(Phoebe and Mary Ellen enter.)

Joey: Okay, look...

Everyone: (Ad-lib hellos)

Phoebe: Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other anyway?

Mike: How do I and Joey know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody has asked me that.

Joey: (Laughs) From school.

Mike: Yeah, we met in college. (Off Joey's look) I mean, high school.

Phoebe: Wow, you guys go way back then. So what are you up to these days?

Mike: Well, I'm a lawyer.

Joey: Mike, 'attorney at law'!

Mike: Actually, I just gave up my practice.

Joey: What? That's the kinda thing you usually run by me.

Mike: I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't do this now, I never will.

Phoebe: Wow, that's great! I liked that better than the law thing, so...

Joey: Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike.

Mary Ellen: I thought you thought he was still a lawyer.

Joey: No, no, that's not what I meant. Let's get you a cocktail.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment]

(Monica Enters. Chandler is in the kitchen with his laptop)

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa.

Monica: That's so sweet. Find anything?

Chandler: Slim Pickings.

Monica: Nothing, huh?

Chandler: No, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue restaurant. They're looking for a cook. Actually 'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for someone to shovel mesquite.

Monica: 'Slim Pickings'...That is so cheesy.

Chandler: 'So Cheesy' also has an opening.

Monica: Honey, that's okay. I actually know this woman, Nancy, who's a restaurant biz head-hunter. Maybe she'll know of something.

Chandler: Can I just say how much I appreciate you coming with me. When we get to Tulsa I'm taking you for a great dinner at 'Slim Pickings'. 'So Cheesy'? 'Whole Hog'? It's going to be tough to keep Kosher in Tulsa.

Monica: (On phone) Hi, Nancy. Hi, it's Monica Geller. I'm good. Listen, I'm looking for a job in Tulsa. Well yeah, my husband has been relocated...Because I love him! No, I don't want a job in New York. Javo (sp?) is looking? Oh my God! He asked for me personally? Oh my God! Oh, wow, this is really flattering, but I'm moving to Tulsa. Yeah, so if you would tell Javo (sp?) 'I'll take it!'

[Scene: Pediatrician's office]

Rachel: Hi, my name is Rachel Green, I have an appointment for Emma.

Receptionist: Dr. Gettleman is finishing up with a patient, he should be out shortly.

Dr. Gettleman: (To a patient) I think you just have a cold, it's definitely not Strep.

Ross: Thanks doctor.

Dr. Gettleman: Would you like a lollypop?

Ross: You even have to ask?! (He grabs a lollypop out of a jar) (Sees Rachel) (To Rachel) He is alive!

[Scene: Restaurant]

Phoebe: You know, it's so surprising that you and Joey have known each other for so long and I've never heard about you.

Joey: Yeah, that's because we had a bit of a falling out. Mike hit my mom with a car.

Mike: No, I didn't.

Joey: That's okay Mike, I have forgiven you. And now we're friends again everything's great!

Mary Ellen Wait, is your mom okay?

Joey: Please, we're trying to have a conversation. (Pushes the wine glass closer to Mary Ellen.)

Mary Ellen: Wow, you're a lot nicer on 'Days of Our Lives'.

Mike: 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar!

Phoebe: What?!

Mike: What?!

Joey: What?!

Phoebe: Do you not know each other?

Joey: (Laughs) Of course we do! Mike is playing a game that we used to play in high school. Yeah, where we pretend we don't know each other. We played all kinds of games. (To Mike) Hey, remember the one where I punch you in the face for not being cool?!

Phoebe: Mike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have?

Mike: (Joey holds up six fingers) Six!

Joey: What are you doing? I said seven! (Holds up six fingers.) (Realizes his mistake) Argh!!!

Phoebe: Joey, why did you set me up with a stranger?

Joey: Because I forgot about our date, I'm so sorry.

Mike: I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car.

Phoebe: (To Joey) You are unbelievable! I spent so much time finding the perfect girl for you, you know. Mary Ellen is really smart and cute and loose.

Mary Ellen: Hey!

Phoebe: Who are you kidding? (To Joey) You just find some guy off the street for me? Oh God! This is humiliating!

Joey: Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can find you a better one. (Looks around) Mike!! Mike!!

Phoebe: I'm out of here (She leaves)

Mike: It was nice meeting you!

Joey: (To Mary Ellen) You're leaving too?

Mary Ellen: I'll stay if you can tell me my name.

Joey: Good night!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment]

Chandler: Honey, we're leaving tomorrow you've still got a lot of packing to do.

Monica: You're right. (Pause) Maybe I shouldn't go.

Chandler: What?

Monica: So Nancy told me about this job at this great restaurant, Javo (sp?). It's just a little outside of Tulsa.

Chandler: How far outside?

Monica: Manhattan.

Chandler: And you're thinking of taking it? (Pause) So before you said being me with me was more important than any job, but I guess now it's old job, (Raises his hand) me, (Raises his hand) new job.

Monica: I'm gonna miss this hand! Okay I know it's a lot to ask, but oh my God Chandler, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Chandler: What happened to 'you can't live without me four days a week'?

Monica: Well, if you really think about it, I mean four days is not that long. I mean, I see you Monday before you go to work, and I see you Thursday when you get back, and I always work late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about it, it's really just one day. And well, if we can't make it one day, we've got real problems my friend.

Chandler: I think you should take the job.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.

Monica: That's the nicest anyone has ever said to me!

(Ross and Rachel enter with Emma.)

Ross: Hey!

Monica: How was the pediatrician?

Rachel: Oh, I really liked him. (Looks at Ross) Yeah, it was really, really, really good.

Ross: You promised you wouldn't say anything.

Rachel: I know. (Pause) Ross still sees his pediatrician!!! (To Ross) I don't care!

Monica: Are you serious? You still see Dr. Gettleman?

Ross: He's a brilliant diagnostician!

Chandler: Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer?

Rachel: Ross, seriously! You've gotta go to an appropriate doctor.

Ross: Why? Why? I know it's a little weird, but hey, he's a great doctor, okay? He knows my medical history, and every time I go in there, he makes a big deal. 'Ah look, it's my favorite patient!'

Chandler: Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your touchy?

Ross: Hey, I seem to remember someone bringing his security blanket to college!

Chandler: That was not a security blanket! That was a wall-hanging!

Ross: It didn't spend much time on the wall!!!

[Scene: Central Perk]

Mike: Excuse me, hi. I was hoping I would run into you. Can we talk?

Phoebe: Sure.

Mike: I'm sorry, really, I'm so embarrassed. Really, I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer...Apparently I'm not a funny guy.

Phoebe: Why did you go along with that?

Mike: Because I was told I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl. Which I did.

Phoebe: That's true. (Pause) Well, is anything you told me about yourself true?

Mike: My name in Mike, and I do play piano.

Phoebe: Prove it.

Mike: There isn't a piano here.

Phoebe: That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist.

Mike: (Plays 'air piano')

Phoebe: You are really good! I play a little guitar myself.

Mike: Really?

Phoebe: Uhuh.

Mike: That's great. What kind of music do you play?

Phoebe: Well, like acoustic folksy stuff. You know? But right now I'm working on a couple 'Iron Maiden' covers.

Mike: Do you think that maybe, sometime, I could...

Phoebe: It's okay. Go ahead, ask me out.

Mike: Okay. Do you think maybe sometime I could take you out?

Joey: (Walks In)

Phoebe: (To Mike) Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice.

Joey: Look at this. My two best friends!

(Phoebe and Mike look at him, and he goes over to the counter.)

[Scene: Pediatrician's office]

Ross: Excuse me, I don't mean to be a jerk, but the baby with the rash came in after me.

Receptionist: The doctor will be right with you sir.

Girl: (Reading a book) Mommy, I can't find Waldo.

Ross: With the circus? He's behind the elephant.

Woman: Wow, so your child is a big fan of the Waldo books too?

Ross: Yeah, that's how I know. I'm Ross by the way.

Sally: Hi, I'm Sally. So, no ring. Can I assume you are also a single parent?

Ross: I am a single parent.

Sally: It's hard isn't it? There's almost no time for a social life. I mean, where are you gonna meet someone?

Ross: Well, let's say, I don't know, you met someone in the pediatrician's office.

Nurse: (To Ross) Rossy, we're ready for you.

Ross: Hmm, yeah. (To a random boy in the waiting room) Come on Ross jr. It's time to go in.

Boy: Mommy (He walks over to Sally.)

Girl: Mommy, what's wrong with that man?

Ross: Hey, I helped you find Waldo!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment]

Ross: (Enters) Oh good, you haven't left yet.

Monica: Where have you been?

Ross: I got held up at Dr. Gettleman's office. There was some guy that freaked everybody out.

Chandler: Well, you got here just in time. I really have to go buddy. (They hug)

Ross: Oh man.

Monica: Promise to call me when you land.

Chandler: Of course I will call you. I love you.

Monica: I love you too. (They kiss)

Rachel: Okay, wow, wow, wow. Watch the tongue people, we've got a baby over here.

Phoebe: Bye Chandler.

Chandler: Awww. (They hug) Bye!

Rachel: Bye honey. (They hug)

Chandler: (Tries to hug Joey but J. moves away) What's the matter Joe?

Joey: I'm mad at you for leaving! You're nothing but a big leaver. Big leaver with a stupid suitcase.

Chandler: Any chance you are trying to pick a fight to make all this easier?

Joey: Dude, you see right thru me!! (They hug) (Joey heads for the door and pushes Chandler's suitcase on the way out.)

Chandler: Well, bye Mon, bye Ross, Rachel, bye Emma!

Phoebe: Okay, bye-bye! (Pushes Chandler out the door.) Good trip! (Slams the door)

Monica: (Runs out to the hallway) Chandler, wait. It goes: Old job, (Raises her hand) new job, (Raises her hand really high) you. This is just something I have to do.

Chandler: I know.

Monica: I love you so much.

Chandler: I know that too. (They kiss)

(Joey opens the door and takes Chandler's suitcase into his own apartment.)

[Scene: Airport]

Chandler: (On cell phone) Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it. Yes it will be the same. Because I know, that's how. I promise.

CUT TO: Monica and Chandler's apartment.

Joey: (On the phone with Chandler) Double promise? Call me when you land.

Monica: Can I talk now?

Joey: Okay, bye. (He hangs up the phone.)

Monica: Joey?

Joey: He had to board.

904 - The One With The Sharks

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

[Scene: Ross is in Central Perk. Phoebe comes in.]

Phoebe: Oh hey Ross oh I'm so glad someone's here could you zip me up?

Ross: sure.

Phoebe: Thank you. Can you believe no-one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me?

Ross: people (shakes head, they sit) so why you all dressed up.

Phoebe: oh umm Mike's picking me up for a date.

Ross: oh yea now um how is that going, is it getting serious?

Phoebe: oh I dunno I dunno, you know I mean I like him but am I ready to take my grade a loins off the meat market.

Ross: you know I really admire your whole dating attitude, it's so healthy I'm always like is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Where's this going?

Phoebe: yea you know you are a bit of a drama queen.

Ross: but you, your so much better off you just go from guy to guy having fun and never worrying that it terns into anything serious.

Phoebe: I wouldn't say never, you know there's that guy (pause) well what about (pause) ok well there's gotta be someone.

Ross: There isn't that's what I'm saying. (All happy)

Phoebe: Oh my god you're right.

Ross: I know and yet here you are all ready for the next date.

Phoebe: I can't believe I never realized this before, I'm in my thirty's and never been in a long-term relationship oh my god (starts crying) what's wrong with me.

Ross: no, no, no there's nothing wrong with you I mean you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.

Phoebe: I wanna get married (grabs a tissue)

Ross: please don't cry because of me pheebs I don't know what I'm talking about, I've been divorced three times.

Phoebe: least you've been married, OH MY GOD! I wanna trade lives with Ross (cries more)

Mike: Phoebe (comes in smiling then sees Phoebe crying) what's wrong?

Phoebe: nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this is Mike Haaaaa (starts crying)

Ross: I'm sorry I didn't catch.

Mike: its Mike Hanagen

Ross: Oh Ross Geller

Mike: Hey, so are you sure your ready to go.

Phoebe: uh huh (terns to Ross) how do I look (all her make up has gone everywhere)

Ross: do you have a compact in your purse?

Phoebe: (goes to cry) No

Ross: you look great.

(Opening Credits)

[Scene: Monica enters Central Perk.]

Monica:: hey Joey

Joey: Hey, this girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or not, what do you think?

Monica:: Joey I am not going to objectify woman with you (looks at the woman) but if her face is as nice as her ass woah mamma.

Joey: Alright thanks, Oh hey have you talked to Chandler?

Monica:: yeah he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend

Joey: how come?

Monica:: he has to work, there's some rush on the big (pause, thinks) ah damn it one of these days I'm really gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.

Joey: oh why don't you fly out there and surprise him.

Monica:: maybe I will go (thinks) yea will have a second honeymoon at the Tulsa romana.

Joey: oh and you know what you should bring the black see-through teddy with the attached garters. (Nods)

Monica:: how do you know I have one of those?

Joey: didn't till just now.

(Monica goes to the back and Joey looks at the girl)

Joey: hot not hot (she turns around) Hot!

Hayley: excuse me?

Joey: I said I think you're hot and now I'm embarrassed.

Hayley: oh I thought you said Hi.

Joey: that would've been better, I'll try that Hi I'm Joey.

Hayley: I'm Hayley.

Joey: look I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses

Gunther: HA!

Joey: (turns round) gesundheit

Hayley: I would love to go out with you.

Joey: really, great, did I actually ask you?

Hayley: no that's just where you were going I just figured that I'd help you out, you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this very a lot.

Gunther: HA!

Joey: (turns round again) seriously Gunther you should see someone about that cold, if it gets much worse you could DIE! (Gunther looks scared)

[Scene: Ross is at Phoebe's.]

Ross: so how'd the date go?

Phoebe: well it was awful every time I thought about what you said I started crying.

Ross: So he hasn't called?

Phoebe: would you call this girl? (Puts on a crying act) thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing

Ross: now I feel terrible this is all my fault.

Phoebe: well you not what you should feel terrible about, this could have been my serious guy he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?

Ross: We are a rare breed.

[Scene: Joey is back at Hayleys apartment.]

Hayley: what a great dinner.

Joey: yeah and hey thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake at the restaurant.

Hayley: (laughs) your welcome again, I'm gonna make some coffee can I get you anything?

Joey: do you have any cake?

(Hayley laughs and goes into the kitchen thinking it's a joke, Joey doesn't see what's so funny about it)

>>> Joey's Subconscious

So this is going pretty good. dinner was nice, got a lot in common. (Sees a magazine) Victoria's secret huh we even like the same books. (Walks over to a painting on the wall) Oh now there's a scary painting. wait a minute I think I've been scared by that painting before. (Looks around) You know what this whole place look familiar I have definitely been in this apartment I know I've seen this weird plant before (it's a cactus and he touch's it) AWCH! It did that the last time. Oh my god, I've gone out with this girl before yeah we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and no. no we didn't do it hear which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place.

Joey: (bends down to see and the cactus pricks him in the ass) AWCH! That's why.

[Scene: Ross goes to see Mike to explain about Phoebe.]

Ross: (He knocks at the door, Mike opens it) Hey Mike sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in?

Mike: Sure (looks confused) who are you?

Ross: I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse.

Mike: Oh.

Ross: yeah I really, really need to talk to you about something.

Mike: Ok, unless you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?

Ross: (laughs) No

Mike: oh it's just you have that look (shuts the front door)

Ross: Damn super cuts!

Mike: what's up is Phoebe ok?

Ross: oh no yeah, no Phoebe is great, but umm I'm an idiot look right before you guys went out I accidentally got her all upset.

Mike: that's why she was weird.

Ross: yes, yeah I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful person please don't blow her off.

Mike: I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from the coffee house.

Ross: well then I didn't need to bother you or the four other Mike Hanagens I bothered.

Mike: hey wait wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?

Ross: of course she has. if she'd never had a serious relationship I'd go round broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron.

Mike: but you did say it

Ross: yes, yes I did. and I will also say what I'm about to say Vis-à-vis the following Phoebe has never had a serious relationship since her. super-serious relationship with. Vicrum.

Mike: Vicrum?

Ross: WHAT THAT'S A REAL NAME!

[Scene: Chandler arrives home from work.]

Chandler: (enters singing) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane, STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe I'll hit the gym (sits down) who am I kidding pay-per-view porn.

-Cuts to Monica (She's just arrived outside his room she fixes a bent photo hanging on the wall then sprays mint in her mouth and enter)

Chandler: DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica: (smiles)

Monica:: is everything all right?

Chandler: everything's great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, and she knows what he was doing so she looks at the TV and sees sharks swimming around thinking Chandler was giving himself a treat to sharks.)

Monica:: I'm gonna go freshen up ok

Chandler: Ok honey. that was close.

-Cut to Rachel (Phone ringing)

Rachel: Hello

Monica:: Hey Rach its me ok I just got the Chandler's room and I caught him molesting himself.

Rachel: Oh that couldn't have been pretty. but you know guys do that.

Monica:: yea well the weird part is... he was getting off to a shark attack show!

Rachel: Nooooooooo!

Monica:: Yes! Chandler Watches Shark Porn!

(Commercial Break)

[Scene: Rachel is at Monica's, talking about Chandler & him watching "Shark Porn".]

Rachel: well watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing?

Monica:: do you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that, believe me I know what he was doing.

Rachel: man sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude. But you promised to love him no matter what.

Monica:: what means if he gets like a disease or kills someone. not if he gets his jollys to jaws!

Rachel: Ah! You know what honey guys are just different, they like things that we can't understand, you know I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block of ice.

Monica:: Eww are you talking about my bother.

Rachel: yeah I didn't disguise that very well did i.

Joey: (enters) Hey

Rachel: (sits down) Hi

Joey: listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through our date I realized I already slept with her.

(Monica makes a strange face and sits down)

Rachel: so basically you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're just going around again.

Joey: well that's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping with me.

Monica:: But you don't remember sleeping with her.

Joey: yeah but she should remember sleeping with me I am very memorable, you guys know.

Rachel: what, how do we know, we never slept with you.

Joey: and who's fault is that.

Monica:: what's the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having an off night

Joey: HEY! I never have an off night ok although sometimes when I'm a little bloated I don't feel very sexy BUT EVEN THEN I'M BETTER THEN MOST!

Monica:: Honey why don't you just let it go and ask her out again.

Rachel: yeah your both so slutty you don't even remember who you've slept with, you're made for each other.

Joey: Interesting. all right I'll go out with her again and try to get past it (reaches for the chips) OH SALT BLOATY!

Monica:: Joey, Joey.

Joey: What?

Monica:: you don't think sharks are sexy do you?

Joey: No. (Pause) wait a minute what was the little mermaid?

(Monica just looks at him, and Rachel wants to laugh)

[Scene: Phoebe's at her apartment waiting for Mike Ross comes over.]

Phoebe: It's open.

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: HEY! Mike called were going out again! YAY! YAY! (She dances around with happiness)

Ross: YAY! (He continues the happiness with her by dancing around) quick thing, I went to talk to Mike.

Phoebe: What? Wha-wha-wha-did you do ROSS!

Ross: oh boy you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great you are but you know me BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I ended up telling him that.

Phoebe: WHAT!

Ross: umm. that you had a six year long relationship with a guy named Vicrum.

Phoebe: WHAT! WHY?

Ross: well he seemed to bum hard that you'd never been in a serious relationship.

Phoebe: (Walks towards Ross) If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend I swear to Lucifer a raber dog would be feasting on your danglers RIGHT NOW!

Ross: well Phoebe, I think you'll feel better when you know a little bit about Vicrum, His a Kite designer (He makes a wow face) and he used to date Oprah. (He makes another wow face)

Phoebe: I'm not going along with some lie you made Ross, No I'm just gonna be honest with him.

Ross: Good yeah just be honest with him.

Phoebe: yeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh (takes a deep breath and sits down, knock on the door)

Ross: I'll get it

Phoebe: ok

Mike: (Ross opens the door) You know I'm trying to think of the last time I opened a door and you weren't there, Phoebe are you ok? (She has her hands over her mouth)

Phoebe: Uh huh yeah (stands up) there's just something umm, there's something you should know (Pause) Vicrum just called.

[Scene: Joey is back at Hayley's place after there date.]

Hayley: so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the youngest.

Joey: Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?

Hayley: What?

Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together?

Hayley: What! When?

Joey: I dunno!

Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you

Joey: come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was (thinks) a certain amount of time ago, I was here you were here, we had sex (starts pointing out the places) here, here, here NOT there. Anything?

Hayley: no it's not ringing any bells.

Joey: my god woman! How many people do you have to had been with not to remember any of this?

Hayley's roommate: Hey Hayley you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!

Joey: Ooooooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me Hey! I still got it. (Turns back to Hayley) so were good. (She just glares at him) I'll let myself out.

[Scene: Phoebe is sitting with Mike, explaining about Vicrum.]

Phoebe: .and I said Vicrum you can't just call every time you get lonely you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.

Mike: But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross

Phoebe: yeah well (pause) yeah you know Emma's birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.

Mike: that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer.

Phoebe: I know but he call's and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth talking free lance kite designer.

Mike: I just think there's somebody better out there for you, (pause) I mean I'm not saying me but. maybe me.

Phoebe: Oh.

Mike: and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you happy.

Phoebe: ok I can't do this.

Mike: what's wrong?

Phoebe: well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have been in a long-term relationship, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never even celebrated an anniversary so. (Pause) if that's too weird for you and you wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I'll close my eye's make it less awkward (She sits with her eyes closed and Mike kisses her, Phoebe opens her eyes and like a little child says.) You kissed me.

Mike: uh huh

Phoebe: so you don't think I'm a total freak

Mike: No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you.

Phoebe: I guess so, can I. can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again (they get closer to kiss and Phoebe pulls back) and umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers.

Mike: Definitely

Ross: (They kiss and the phone rings and machine picks it up, its Ross putting on an accent pretending to be Vicrum) This is Vicrum.

[Scene: Chandler arrives home and Monica's got a video of Sharks ready for Chandler.]

Chandler: Hi honey I'm home!

Monica:: Hi, how was your flight? (She hugs him)

Chandler: oh it was great.

Monica:: Here why don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I. (Monica shows him the tape then puts it in) have a little surprise for you.

Chandler: well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C!

Monica:: Ok (sits down next to him) This is how much I love you. (She presses play then puts her arm around Chandler's neck.)

Chandler: (Chandler looking confused) Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around.

Monica:: Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something a little toothier.

Chandler: no I'm not quite sure you got the right movie that's all.

Monica:: Oh well this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?

Chandler: does what always have to be sharks.

Monica:: Honey look we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash.

Chandler: What's going on?

Monica:: sweetie it's ok, I still love you, let me be a part of this.

Chandler: let ME be a part of this!

Monica:: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. angry sharks turn you on!

Chandler: no they don't

Monica:: then why were you watching them and giving YOURSELF a treat.

Chandler: OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn

Monica:: really?

Chandler: yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action.

Monica:: I cannot tell you how happy that makes me! (They hug)

Chandler: You are an amazing wife. (Monica shrugs) No really you're amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that.

Monica:: Im very, very drunk right now.

(They hug, Scene fades to black)

[Scene: Phoebe is in central-perk with Joey telling him what Ross said t her at the beginning.]

Joey: (looks at a girl walk in) see ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her?

Phoebe: you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude. Your in your thirty's and you've never had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesn't tern into anything serious.

Joey: your right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and he turns back and sits down) I actually did sleep with her.

905 - The One With Phoebes Birthday Dinner

Written by: Scott Silveri

Directed by: David Schwimmer

Transcribed by: Christoph Päper

[Scene: Central Perk. All except Chandler, plus Emma.]

Phoebe: Oh hey you guys, I couldnt get a reservation for the night of my birthday, so we have to do dinner Thursday night instead.

Joey: Thursday? But thats Halloween.

Phoebe: So?

Joey: [Its just] So spooky, thats all.

Ross: So, so, is Mike coming to dinner?

Phoebe: No! Its my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. Uch, I get mad at him, but I think its a little to soon to show my true colors.

Rachel: Pheebs, I would make a reservation for five, because one of us has to stay home and watch Emma. (to Ross:) Which one of us should go to dinner?

Phoebe: Oh, Rachel!

Ross: Actually, um, I was thinking maybe both of us could go.

Phoebe: Oh, yay!

Ross: Thanks, I put a lot of extra thoughts on your gift.

Phoebe: Alright, okay, so we can all go now. That is fun. Hey, you know what? We all havent been together the six of us in such a long time.

Monica: What are you talking about? Were all together right now.

Rachel: Um, Mon, Chandlers not here.

Monica: Oh, dear god!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Tulsa, a conference room. Chandler is chairing a group of eight people.]

Chandler: Good morning everyone, its nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? (colleague raises hand) Yes, Ken is it?

Ken: Thats right. Is it true, that the reason you are here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to?

Chandler: (laughs) Well, dont believe everything you hear, Ken. (both turning away to files) But yeah, thats true. Alright, lets get started, by take a look at last quarters figures. (The female next to Chandler starts smoking, towards her:) Ah, Claudia, arent you supposed to blow smoke up the bosses ass?

Claudia: Im sorry. Does the smoke bother you?

Chandler: No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I cant remember why. (to everyone:) Youre not allowed to smoke in this office. Not right?

Claudia: Yes, in Oklahoma its legal to smoke in offices with fifteen people or less. (passing the pack) Would you like one?

Chandler: Alright, lolook. I dont smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, its fine. (everyone lights up) So you all smoke then? Thats almost rude, that Im not.

Ken: Thats not true. If you dont wanna smoke

Chandler: (loud) Ken, please! No, I cant, I cant smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.

Ken: Im sorry, but isnt your wife back in New York?

Chandler: I always liked you, Ken. (takes a cigarette)

[Scene: The Bings. Monica in bathrobe, merely covered. Someones knocking at the door.]

Phoebe: (from outside) Trick or treat! (Its obviously Halloween eve, the night of her birthday dinner.)

Monica: (opening the door) Hey!

Phoebe: Ooh, and treat it is. (Monicas breasts.)

Monica: Hmhmm. (ties up)

Phoebe: Wow, so glad I changed. Almost wore my ??? outfit that cant contain my breasts.

Monica: This is not, what Im wearing. Im ovulating and Chandlers gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would try before dinner.

Phoebe: Ohh. Oh wait! (Jis) you guys wont be late for my dinner, will you?

Monica: Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. Well probably be the first ones there.

Phoebe: kay, see you there. Happy humping! (outside meeting Chandler.) Heyhey! Oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh my god, dont people know, youre not allowed to smoke in public spaces?

Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.

Phoebe: You smoked!

Chandler: No! I just happened tdo a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called Leyhallalookoos.

Phoebe: (smells at him) Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.

Chandler: Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it?

Phoebe: Are you kidding? The woman has the nose of a bloodhound  and the breasts of a Greek goddess.

Chandler: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (embarrassed) Im gonna go. (leaves to stairs)

Chandler: (getting in) Okay, something to cover the smell  Oven cleaner! (sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!

Monica: (naughty in doorway) Welcome home. Ive missed you. join me in the bedroom?

Chandler: No thanks, Im good.

Monica: (comes over) O-kay, so you wanna play it that way, do you?

Chandler: (shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so Im feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.

Monica: You dont need a shower.

Chandler: (still backs away) Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences.

Monica: What do I smell? (sniffs him) I smell smoke. Huhdid you smoke?

Chandler: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two packaa carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. (How many cigarettes are there in one pack and how many packs in one carton in the US?) But its over, I made a decision, Im not gonna smoke anymore.

Monica: (gets a pack out of his jacket)

Chandler: But, those are for you.

[Scene: Ross and Rachels. Ross phones, Rachel and Emma are there.]

Ross: Alright, well just, uh, see when you get here. Bye. (hangs up) Huh, that was my mom, shes stuck in terrible traffic.

Rachel: Okay, well thats now the third sign that I should not leave Emma.

Ross: Oh, what were the other two?

Rachel: Well, lets see. The first one is: I dont want to. And, you know, Im not going.

Ross: I know, its the first time, were leaving the baby and  hey, I know how hard it is for you, but  but Emma is gonna be fine. My mom is gonna be with her. Shes great with kids.

Rachel: She is?

Ross: Ya.

Rachel: What about (?) Monica.

Ross: Hey, you only heard Monicas side of that. That little fatso was a terror.

Rachel: Ish. I just dont think I can bear it.

Ross: Rachel, I know that you can. And you should.

Rachel: Uch.

Ross: Really, it would be good for you and in fact, why dont you, why dont you go ahead to the restaurant and I will wait for my mom and then Ill meet you there.

Rachel: Oh-A.

Ross: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up the heels. Paint the town red. (Slang right?)

Rachel: You need to learn some new slang.

Ross: Im serious. Cmon, you should go. Here. (shoves her outside, while she tries to stay) No, uh-uh, just go.

Rachel: What  Oh! (points inside)

Ross: No! No, you know what? (closes the door) You [cant get in there] (?), the babys fine, now squam (?). Yeah, [I told you a|Tell your] story walking. (?)

Rachel: I was just going to say that I left my keys.

Ross: Oh, (door is locked) holy molly are we in a pickle now.

[Scene: The restaurant. Phoebe and Joey are sitting alone at a table for six.]

Phoebe: Where is everyone? Theyre forty minutes late.

Joey: I know, u-uch.

Phoebe: Im starving. I know we were coming here tonight, I ate nothing all day.

Joey: What about me, he? Only had one lunch today.

Waiter: (with British accent) Soo, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?

Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing.

Waiter: Right. We do have a table for two available, perhaps you would be more comfortable.

Joey: No, theyre comin, were waitin right here.

Phoebe: Joseph! (to waiter) Thou neednt worry, they shant be long.

Waiter: Its just that we do have some large parties waiting.

Phoebe: One really does have a stick up ones ass. Doesnt one?

[Scene: The Bings.]

Monica: How can you smoke in this day of age? Do you not seen that ad with a little kid walks to grandpa, its chilling.

Chandler: I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking.

Monica: So what? Dont you have any will power?

Chandler: Will power? Ive watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs (?) without taking the tin foil off.

Monica: You said that was sexy!

Chandler: kay, look: Can we just drop this? Im not gonna smoke again.

Monica: Thats right, because I forbid you to smoke again.

Chandler: You forbid me?

Monica: Mhmm.

Chandler: You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is she here by the way?

Monica: Dont joke (?) with me, okay? Im very, very upset right now.

Chandler: Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?

Monica: Yes.

Chandler: Then, I might as well  (grabs the cigarettes) do this (lights one, exhales). Not really sure what to do now.

Monica: Well, Ill tell you what were gonna do: We are already late for Phoebes birthday dinner, so you point out put out that cigarette, were gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex.

Chandler: Fine. What!?

Monica: Sex! This is the last day Im ovulating, and when we dont do it now, well have to wait till next month. (walks towards bedroom)

Chandler: You serious? (follows)

Monica: Oh yeah!

Chandler: Right, fine, Ill do it, but no talking.

Monica: Huh, and no cuddling.

Chandler: And no kissing your neck.

Monica: Oh good, I hate it when you do that

Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck.

[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachels.]

Ross: Okay, well the ??? is not home.

Rachel: No. Uch.

Ross: Oh-oh, wait, my mother is gonna be here any minute. And she has the keys.

Rachel: Alright, I cant, I cant wait that long. You have to do somethingknock that door down!

Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, yyou know, everything is gonna be fine. The babys sleeping.

Rachel: What if she jumped out the bassinet?

Ross: Cant hold her own head up, but yeah jumped.

Rachel: Oh my god, I left the water running.

Ross: Rach you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?

Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?

Ross: You never cooked since 1996. (Actually Rachel cooked in 609 - TOW Ross Got High, first aired 1999-11-25.)

Rachel: Is the window open? Because if theres a window open, a bird could fly in there.

Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think youre right. I think  listen, listen!

Rachel: Ubb.

Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. (previously scared Rachel turns away) No, no wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty birds aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby on its talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still up lays (?) are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment.

Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if thats true.

[Scene: The restaurant with still just Phoebe and Joey.]

Waiter: Hello.

Phoebe & Joey: Hey.

Waiter: Its been an hour. ??? be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table.

Joey: Maybe we should just eat now.

Waiter: You cant order until your entire party has arrived. Restaurant policy.

Joey: Wha-a how about this: Another table leaves, right? But theres still some food left on their place, okay, whats the restaurants policy about people eatin that?

Waiter: Estrangement (?).

Joey: But it happens? (waiter leaves) Im gotta go to the bathroom.

Phoebe: No, you cant go. No-no-no, I cant hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I cave.

Joey: If you ask me to stay, Ill pee. (leaves)

Maitre D: Good evening, Miss. (Phoebe turns her head away) Miss? (from the opposite side) Miss? (she turns again) Miss!

Phoebe: Okay, fine, Ill move. Alright, you dont have to manhandle me. (gets up) Where? (he points at a smaller table) Okay. Thank you. Wach.

Joey: (returns to their old table where elderly people are sitting now, sits) Finally you guys made it. (looks up, turns left to Phoebes chair) Pheebs, who the helluhuhh!

[Scene: The Bings bedroom, Chandler is undressing, Monica in bed already.]

Monica: Spend more time with the tie. Thatll make a baby.

Chandler: Look, I cant do this. I cant make luv to you while were fighting this way.

Monica: Oh sure, now youre Mister Sensitivity. But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncles funeral

Chandler: That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, Im not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby to be conceived?

Monica: No, youre right. Mnya, we shouldnt do it like this. Huch. For what its worth, Im, Im sorry. I shouldnt have come down on you so hard about the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, not the end of the world.

Chandler: Mean it?

Monica: Yah.

Chandler: You are incredible. Unless, IIm not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. (they kiss)

Monica: Dyou want to?

Chandler: Yeah, lets celebrate life!

Monica: kay.

[Scene: Ms. Geller, Rachel and Ross storm into the apartment.]

Rachel: Och, god. (seeing Emma) Oh, thank god, youre okay. Im so sorry we left you. Mom never gonna leave you again. Never ever ever again. Uch.

Ross: Great. So lets get going?

Rachel: Oh no. I mean it. After what just happened, Im never leaving her again.

Ms. Geller: I understand, separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset, he took off all his clothes, tucked his ??? between his legs and cried out: Mommy, Im a girl, take me with you.

Ross: Somehow over time it got easier to be apart from you.

[Scene: Bings in bed, finished.]

Chandler: Uhh. You are welcome.

Monica: You know what? Lets not talk.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Uch. I am still so mad at you for smoking.

Chandler: But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettesno big deal.

Monica: Oh, blablablabaybaybay.

Chandler: Leave it.

Monica: I was just saying that because I was ovulating and you said you wouldnt have sex with me while were fighting.

Chandler: You tricked me to get me into bed?

Monica: Thats right, I got mine.

Chandler: I feel so used.

[Scene: Restaurant, still just the not-couple.]

Phoebe: Well, I guess theyre not coming. You wanna just order?

Joey: Thank you. (stands up and kisses her lips.) Waiter! lright, this is gonna be fast, so try to keep up: Risotto with the shaped truffles and the roasted rip steak with the golden Chanterelles and a Bordelaise sauce and that any that stuff I just said means snails. (Hope, *I* kept up.)

Waiter: Erdoes not.

Phoebe: Tomato tart and which of the pastas would you recommend?

Waiter: Oh, theyre both exclus

Phoebe: Both it is, thank you.

Joey: Oh, uh, again. Can I make a special request: Can you bring everything as soon as its ready? Appetizers, entrees, we dont care.

Ross & Rachel: (entering) Hey, hi, hi!

Waiter: Ill just wait to put your order in.

Phoebe: You guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two?

Ross: Im so sorry

Rachel: We got locked out of the apartment, we

Joey: Thats a great storycan I eat it?

Ross: And then Rachel wasnt sure she could leave the baby.

Rachel: N-it wasnt easy, but its your birthday and I did what I got to do.

Phoebe: And thats Judy over there at the bar with Emma?

Rachel: Oh honey, this is for the best, thus Im not distracted, worrying about Emma, how shes doing at home and Im being completely here with you and, oh, she spit up!

Ross: What?

Rachel: She spit up. Judy! She spiJudy! Look alive, Judy! (they sit down) Thank you.

Ross: Thanks. Oh.

Rachel: Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I ha-ave? What should I have?

Joey: (mumbling) Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman.

Ross: Yknow this ??? is incredible.

Joey: Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach.

Ross: Okay, Ill have the fixed salad and the duck.

Rachel: Yah, Ill have the soup and the salmon.

Joey: And remember whatever comes up first. Okay? And hurry, because

Monica: (entering with husband) Happy birthday!

Joey: Son of a bitch!

Phoebe: Wher-where have you been?

Monica: Well, we had a little fight.

Chandler: I would never lie to get someone into bed.

Monica: You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. (being sat down) Ooh, uh, thanks. Wow, little tight, isnt it? How dyou get a bigger table? You-you had a big table, but they made you move. Huh-huh, shut up Monica. Whoo, I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked duck.

Chandler: I suppose that Monica will have the  manipulative shrew.

Waiter: Ill give you another minute.

Joey: Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew! (runs after the waiter)

Ross: Rach, cmon, Emma is fine. Youre turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop.

Rachel: Yguys ever heard the story about when Rosses mom went to the beauty salon?

Chandler: You mean the lully story?

Ross: (childish) Huh-huh, they already know it.

Phoebe: You guys, weve been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order.

Joey: (returned) No, no, its okay, I already told the waiter what they want.

Monica: Why would you do that?

Joey: Chandler, control your woman!

Rachel: (lifts for a toast) Okay, as everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast  to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.

Phoebe: Aw  what?

Rachel: N-no, Emma dropped her sock.

Monica: Moms here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she told me she was out of town.

Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the babys sock is on the ground.

Phoebe: s a good toast.

Rachel: (to Ross) Could you please get her attention?

Ross: W-oa  Mommy! (gestures to his not understanding mother)

Phoebe: (getting up) Oh, for gods sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! (everybody scared) Im sorry, was that rude? Di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt (?) the hideousness (?) that is this evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you are all so late and you didnt even have the courtesy to call. (her cellular rings) Well, its too late now.

Ross: Well, ??? think thats us?

Phoebe: well, this is, this is, this is not over! (on phone) Hello?

Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Well, what is going on with you two?

Monica: Uch, you see, Im ovulating.

Chandler: Oh yeah, thats what she says. But maybe youre not ovulating at all, maybe its just a clever ruse to get me into bed.

Monica: Yes smokie, that is what it was. I just cant get enough.

Chandler: (to Joey) You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her.

Joey: So? Did have sex, right?

Chandler: Whats the matter with me? Why Im such a girl?

Phoebe: (returns) Okay, that was Mike.

Rachel: Phoebe, hi, were so sorry. Youre totally right. We are here one hundred per cent and we love you and we are ready to start your birthday celebration.

Phoebe: Mhuh, guys, that means the world to me. Huh, nkay, Im gonna take off.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, Im not tnot that kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! (waves to the bar) Judy! Bye.

Rachel: Oh thank god, if Phoebes going, can we please take Emma home?

Ross: You know, I think thats a good ideaour babysitter just pounded in another Chardonnet. (both get up) Bye, yguys.

Monica: Bye.

Joey: See ya. Well, this is just us.

Monica & Chandler: Mhum.

Monica: So, Im, Im probably still ovulating. Do you want to give it another try?

Chandler: So you never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?

Joey: Do, do you gonna do it now?

Monica: We dont have much time. Once the egg descended the oviduct

Joey: No-ohoh. (the Bings leave, the waiter comes)

Maitre D: I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning.

Joey: Nah, just me. All alone. (all the food is served) Dinner for six for one, uh, you boys are about to see something really special.

Closing Credits

[Scene: continues, Joey finished everything.]

Waiter: How was everything, sir?

Joey: Excellent. The shrew in particular was exclusive.

Waiter: Well, I hope, you got some room left.

Waiters: (with birthday cake, singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear

Joey: Joey! Joey.

Waiters:  Joey, happy birthday to you.

Joey: Thats the best birthday ever.

End

906 - The One With The Male Nanny (200th episode)

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug

Russian to Roman alphabet: Gabriela Horber

Dedicated to the great work of Eric Aasen, Guineapig and many, many more

[Scene: Chandler's hotel room in Tulsa. He's fast asleep when the telephone rings.]

Chandler: (picking up the telephone, answering it with a frog in his throat) Hello? (he clears his throat, but he still has the same frog in his throat when he speaks again) Hello?

Monica: (in her apartment, screaming) I LOVE MY NEW JOB!

Chandler: Honey, you're screaming.

Monica: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! I just had the best first day ever! The kitchen: twice as big as Allessandro's.

Chandler: (yawning) Oh, that's great.

Monica: Yeah, a-a-and clean. Not just health department clean... Monica clean.

Chandler: (clearly not so interested) Awesome.

Monica: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt, the funniest guy I have ever met. (Chandler, who was almost asleep again, sits up straight in bed in an instant and can't believe what he just heard.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the couch, holding hands, while Phoebe puts milk in her coffee.]

Mike: This is nice.

Phoebe: I know! (Phoebe picks up a little packet of sugar, shakes it, and then realises she can't open it with one hand, but doesn't want to let go of Mike's hand. She tries to tear open the packet with one hand.)

Mike: You need both hands for that?

Phoebe: Yeah, I kinda do. (Mike lets go of her hand) Well, how's this? (she takes Mike's hand and puts it on her breast, she tears open the sugar and puts it in her coffee. Mike thinks it over and nods appreciative. After that, they hold hands again. Joey now enters, and sees the two sitting on the couch, holding hands.)

Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice) Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious? (Phoebe and Mike, embarrassed, start babbling and look away.) Have you not talked about it yet? (They say nothing now, but smile) Am I making you uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming forced now, and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to the bar)

Phoebe: I'm sorry... I'm sorry. It's obviously way too early for us to be... having that conversation.

Mike: Is it?

Phoebe: (in a flash she answers) Maybe not, is it?

Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... (He tries to get something from his pocket, but it's not that easy... Phoebe looks in a "what's happening" face to him. He finally has found something) No, not... that's gum. (He digs in a little more.) Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that happens, you know... Think no note's there...

Phoebe: (impatient) I know Mike, why don't you keep digging?

Mike: Oh, sorry. (He digs in again and finally finds what he's been looking for. A key.)

Phoebe: Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars.

Mike: It's to my apartment.

Phoebe: (really surprised) Oh wow, ooh! Ooh, big step for Phoebe and Mike.

Mike: Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because...

Phoebe: Oh no, I want to.

Mike: Oh, thank God. (he laughs nervously, and Phoebe gets her keychain from her bag.)

Phoebe: Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to think I'd never meet someone that, you know, I wanted to... do this with. Here you go. (Both Phoebe and Mike look really proud.)

Mike: Is this cool, huh?

Phoebe: It really is.

Joey: (sitting at his table) Oh, I know it... It is amazing these little things open doors... huh! (mimes opening a door with his own keys, Phoebe looks at him in a "yeah, yeah, yeah" way.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Both of them sitting on the couch, interviewing a nanny candidate.]

Rachel: So I don't go back to work for another four weeks, but we would like our nanny to start right away, so that Emma could get a chance to know her.

Prospective nanny: (in a sweet, caring voice) I think that's really smart. The easier we can make the transition for her, the better. (Ross and Rachel seem pleased with the answer.)

Rachel: That's great, great. So do you have any questions for us?

Prospective nanny: Not really.

Rachel: Allright. Well thank you so much for coming... (they're standing up and make their way to the door)

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: Really nice to meet you... and we'll call you.

Prospective nanny: Oh, you know, wait. I do have one question. (she starts playing with her hair) Do you guys do random drug testing?

Ross: Boy, we uhm... hadn't really thought of that.

Prospective nanny: That's cool. But... but if you do, I'm gonna need three days notice.

Rachel: Okidoki! (and she slams the door in the nanny's face while Ross crumples up the application form) Wow! We're never gonna find a nanny.

Ross: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews (They sit down and Rachel sighs) And worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the uhm... the first one we met with.

Rachel: (indignant) What, the blonde with no bra?

Ross: She was blonde? (he looks surprised for a while, but then gets a "gotcha" expression on his face... There's knocking at the door.) Just a sec.! Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood education, uhm... she worked for her last family for three years.

Rachel: Okay... (Ross opens the door.)

Sandy: (a guy) Hi... I'm Sandy.

Ross: And she's a little mannish...

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. There's a knock on the door, and Phoebe opens it.]

Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! David!

David: Hi! I-i-is this a bad time?

Phoebe: (excited) No! It's a great time, come in...! WOW, hi... Oh my gosh! What are you doing here? Are you back from Minsk?

David: Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm here to explain to the people who gave us our grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all their money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing.

Phoebe: Who cares, it got you here.

David: Well, it got me to New York anyway, and then I got on a cab at the airport, and the guy said where to? and I just... gave him your address I... I... I didn't even think about it.

Phoebe: Wow. Where is your luggage? (David thinks for a while)

David: Damn it!

Phoebe: A-Allright, well... I'll call the cab company.

David: Wa... wa... wait! We can... call them later. Can you just... just stand there f-f-for a moment? Boy! There's an old Russian expression, uhm... it goes: Schto ya ztez vigul... ui! Roughly translated that means uhm... This thing that I'm looking at: wow!

Phoebe: Thank you! God, no! You should see me when... Oh actually, no, I look pretty good.

David: Are... are you kidding? You know, when you don't see someone for a long time, a-a-and you kind of build them up in your head and you start thinking about: Come on, don't be crazy. Nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are. (Phoebe seems very charmed) Well, so, uhm... are you seeing... anyone? (Phoebe is still up on a cloud from what David just said)

Phoebe: No...

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica sits on the couch and Phoebe is pacing up and down the room.]

Phoebe: I'm... I'm just... I'm the worst person ever. How can I not tell David that I'm seeing Mike?

Monica: Maybe he didn't give you a chance.

Phoebe: He said: Are you seeing someone? And I said no...

Monica: Oh, well... That had been your window.

Phoebe: Yeah! I mean, I don't know. I was just , I was looking, I was looking in his eyes and I was just thinking: Oh my God! It's David. David's here. He's just, he's so irresistible.

Monica: Really? The scientist guy?

Phoebe: Really? Chandler?

Monica: Continue...

Phoebe: Oh.Okay, then it gets worse, 'cause then I told him that I would see him tomorrow night.

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: I know! (points at herself) Evil! And... and... and... I like Mike so much, you know. It's just going really well. Oh my God!

Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys?

Phoebe: (sarcastically) Uhuh... Yeah...!, you know. And given my life long search for irony, you can imagine how happy I am.

Monica: What are you gonna do?

Phoebe: I mean I guess, I just have to... tell David that nothing can happen between us. Unless I don't... You know, complicated moral situation, no right, no wrong...

Monica: You have to tell David!

Phoebe: Okay, I knew I should have had this conversation with Joey.

[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler comes home.]

Chandler: (angry) Funniest guy she's ever met! (to the door) I'm funny, right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes... (laughs about himself, but then gets determined again) Save it for inside! (he enters)

Monica: Heeeeeey!

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. (Monica looks at Phoebe, who also doesn't know what to say.) And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch.

Monica: (Doesn't believe what she's hearing) Was your cabin pressurised?

Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk.

Phoebe: Okay. (and she walks away)

Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? (Monica laughs) See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?

Monica: No, it just remind me of something this guy did today at work. I told you about that funny guy, Geoffrey, right?

Chandler: Yeah, he came up...

Monica: Well, he did this bit... You probably had to be there, but it was Liza Minelli locked in our freezer, eating a raw chicken. (Phoebe bursts out in a laugh)

Chandler: (to Phoebe) Were you there?

Phoebe: No, but it sounds like it was fricken funny...

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. They're interviewing Sandy.]

Sandy: I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart... (Ross has got that bored/angry/skeptic look and Rachel is very emotional)

Rachel: Sandy, that's exactly what it is...

Ross: Are you gay? (Rachel turns to Ross in an embarrassed way)

Rachel: Ross!

Sandy: It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do. But I am straight. I-I'm engaged actually.

Rachel: Oh!

Sandy: Her name is Deliah.

Rachel: Oh, that's pretty.

Ross: (skeptic) So you're just like a... guy who's a nanny?

Sandy: I realise how it's... a bit unorthodox for some people, but I really believe, the most satisfying thing you can do with your life, is take care of a child.

Ross: (on a yeah, right tone) Okay.

Sandy: Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he was three weeks old. And I got to watch him grow into this awesome person... When I left, I said: I'll see you soon... And he said to me: Skdandy... (Ross and Rachel look puzzled) That was his name for me... I'll see you every day... right in... (points at his heart, but starts to cry before he can finish his sentence. Rachel tries to comfort him, but Ross has this "you've got to be kidding me" look all over him)

Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. (In the other room Emma starts to cry.)

Rachel: Oh God, she mu... she must need her diaper changed.

Sandy: Oh, oh, I can do it for her, if you want...

Rachel: Oh, that would be great! (Sandy leaves for Emma's room) I love him, I love him, I love him...

Ross: Oh, come on, Rach, he's a guy!

Rachel: So wh..? He's smart, he's qualified. Give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out.

Ross: Because, it's weird!

Rachel: Why?

Ross: What kind of job is that for a man? A nanny? I-It's like if a woman wanted to be...

Rachel: (she's got that "yeah, try to say it" look on her face) Yes?

Ross: King?

Sandy: I er... I hope you don't mind. I used some of my home-made lotion on Emma. It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream. It'll dry that rash right up. Plus... It keeps the hands young... (it makes Rachel smile)

Rachel: (whispering and begging) Please? (Ross makes a "whatever" gesture) YES! Sandy you're hired.

Sandy: That's great! (He gets emotional again and waves his hand in front of his face in a feminine way, like trying to dry his tears) I'm sorry. It's just... such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family...

Rachel: Oooh... ***I really can't hear what she says*** come here.

Ross: You gotta be at least bi...

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is reading a 'Busty Ladies' magazine when Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey! (Joey doesn't look up, but gestures 'wait a minute' with his finger while he finishes reading the article. Chandler waits for Joey to finish.) I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks.

Joey: Ooh. I-I don't know Chan. I'm not so good with remembering lines.

Chandler: (Can't believe what he hears) Well, thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it.

Joey: I know, right? (Chandler has really big eyes, and nods) Wh... Wh... Why are we doing this?

Chandler: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met.

Joey: Seriously? She actually said that?

Chandler: Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset?

Joey: Nooooo! Being funny is your thing!

Chandler: Yeah!

Joey: Without that, you just got "lame with women".

Chandler: Ye.... (stops because he realises what Joey just said, and stares at him. At this moment Monica enters)

Monica: Hi! There you are.

Joey: (sees Monica) Fire trucks! (Chandlers eyes double in size and he turns to Monica who doesn't understand what's happening. Then he turns back to Joey, who says "you're welcome" without a sound)

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe just let David in who brought a bottle of wine.]

David: Wow, you look even... more beautiful than you did yesterday.

Phoebe: Oof...

David: In fact, ehm... I going to kiss you now. (David holds Phoebe and wants to kiss her.)

Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait!

David: Yeah, I-I don't, I can't get away with stuff like that. I-I-It sounded sexy in my head, so I...

Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. (they go sit on the couch) Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His ... his name is Mike.

David: Oh... oh...

Phoebe: Yeah, I should have told you.

David: No... well, yeah.

Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

David: Well, i-it's okay. I-I-I understand... Well, s... well, are you happy with this guy?

Phoebe: I am happy.

David: Damn it! I-I'm sorry. I-I don't mean that. I-I want you to be happy... But only with me. No, uhm... that's not fair. Uh, who cares, leave him!. Oh, I don't mean that. Yes I do... I'm sorry Uhm, I... I think I should probably uhm... go...

Phoebe: Well... but David, just... I just want you to know that... that... you know... telling you this... is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

David: Well... just so you know... hearing it wasn't exactly a Vladnik carnival either... Can we at least hug goodbye?

Phoebe: Of course, yeah.(they hug and Phoebe sighs... a little after that also David sighs and makes his way to the door) You know, a kiss on the cheek wouldn't be totally inappropriate...

David: No... no...

Phoebe: I mean... (David kisses Phoebe on the cheek, makes his way to the door and turns around again)

David: In Minsk...

Phoebe: Yeah?

David: ...it's uhm... i-it's two on each cheek and uhm... and one on the lips.

Phoebe: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk... (They kiss 2 on each cheek... and then they pause... David turns to the door) In New York... it's... (and then David grabs her by her neck and kisses her full on the lips... They kiss passionately and cannot seem to stop.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Sandy sit on the couch. Sandy holds Emma. Ross enters the apartment. Sandy and Rachel wipe their tears away with handkerchiefs]

Rachel: (in a tearful voice) Oh... Oh boy... (she turns around and sees Ross) Hi...

Ross: (very worried) Is everything allright?

Rachel: Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was just... was just telling me about how he proposed to his fiancée and it was just sooo beautiful.

Sandy: Well, her favourite flower is the camellia. From the poem...

Rachel: I can't... I can't hear it again.

Sandy: You know, I can't tell it again... (wipes his tears again)

Ross: And I'm fine never having heard it... (Rachel looks at Ross in a "why do you say that" manner) Rach, can I... can I see you for a sec?

Rachel: Yeah! (to Sandy) Excuse me... (She walks to the kitchen with Ross and sighs)

Ross: Do you realise that man has cried in our apartment three times...? Huh? I haven't cried that many times since I moved in.

Rachel: Look, Ross, he's just... Sandy is just sensitive, that's all.

Ross: (picks up a cookie) Okay, okay, see... that... that is the problem. He is too sensitive. (takes a bite from the cookie)

Rachel: What...? Too sensitive to take care of our baby?

Ross: (speaking with his mouth full) Yeah, I mean, all things that guy... (looks at the cookie) These are amazing!

Rachel: Sandy made Madeleines.

Ross: This... this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy makes... makes... delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even... butch, manly cookies with... with... you know with... with chunks. (takes a careful bite from the cookie)

Rachel: Well, I... you know, I-I-I don't know what to say... I mean, I never thought of you as a guy who needed his men to be men. You know, 'cause I gotta tell you Ross, it not like you just came in from branding cattle.

Ross: Hey... there's sensitive... and there is too sensitive.

Rachel: Okay, what? What is too sensitive? (There's music coming from the living room. Ross opens the door to the living room and he and Rachel see Sandy play a song for Emma on his recorder. Rachel is moved by this, but Ross only sees his point proven again, and walks back into the kitchen, angrily. The door he was holding, swings back and hits Rachel.)

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She and David are still kissing each other in the living room.]

Phoebe: Hmmm... No, no... No, I can't do this. It's bad.

David: But... I-I-It's nice... A-a-and... nice is good. A-a-and good is not bad, ergo, w-w-we should keep kissing.

Phoebe: No, no. No.

David: But... ergo...

Phoebe: Look David, if... if you had never left, then... yeah, we'd probably still be together right now, but... you did leave, and I-I'm with Mike and I really care about him...

David: Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya ztez vigul... ui... (David holds his hands gently on the back of Phoebe's neck. There's a sound of a a bunch of keys rattling, and the door opens... It's Mike)

Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! (he looks as if he doesn't want to believe what's happening)

Phoebe: (points to David) And you thanks for the face massage. Thank you.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen and Ross enters.]

Ross: Did Rachel tell you we hired a male nanny?

Monica: Yeah! I think that's great!

Ross: Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and bakes Madeleines?

Monica: Oh... How are they?

Ross: (looks like in heaven) Lighter than air... (changes back to serious) But that's not the point. (Joey now also enters)

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hey...! Rachel and I hired a male nanny.

Joey: (looks surprised) Really...? Guys do that...? That's... weird...

Ross: Thank you!

Joey: That's like a woman wanting to be a...

Ross: ...a what? A what? What's the end of that sentence?

Monica: Yes... What is the end of that sentence?

Joey: Uhm... A penis model. (Monica can't believe what's she's hearing and Ross pats Joey on the back.) Anyway, hey... Did you tell Chandler that some guy from work is the funniest guy you've ever met?

Monica: Yeah, so?

Ross: Wow!

Joey: Really? Do you not know Chandler?

Monica: Is that why he's acting so weird...? He's jealous...? Oh my God, that is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Geoffrey...

Joey: So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing... You know, like Ross's thing is... (he can't come up with anything)

Ross: Science...? Academia...? Being a good father...?

Joey: ...No... (he just can't seem to grasp it)

Monica: I can't believe he's that upset about this...

Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like... (the door opens and Chandler walks in with a pizza)

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Heeeyy! Hey!

Chandler: What are you guys talking about?

Ross: Uhm... Rachel and I hired a male nanny. (Joey makes a gesture and sound like "Can you believe that?")

Chandler: You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? (Monica starts laughing, but very exaggerated. Joey realises they also should laugh and punches Ross. Now all three of them laugh, but very fake. Chandler seems happy again.)

Chandler: You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a male wetnurse. (again they laugh, even more fake than before)

Monica: Ohhh, ooohhh... you are on a roll, mister!

Chandler: If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more pizza. (they all burst out in a thundering laugh)

Monica: Okay, okay... Chandler you... you stop it! (Monica wipes away tears)

Chandler: What is so funny about that? (they realise it wasn't a joke)

Monica: Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way you say it... I mean, you're funny... You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy! (Chandler turns to Joey)

Chandler: Did you tell her what we talked about? (Joey starts laughing hysterically, but then gets serious again...)

Joey: Yeah....

Chandler: So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away from the kitchen)

Monica: Honey, listen... You have nothing to worry about with Geoffrey.

Chandler: Oh yeah? Is he funnier than me?

Monica: Well, you're... you're different funny... I mean, you're... you're more sarcastic a-a-and... well, he does... bits... and impressions... and... and limericks...

Chandler: I do limericks... uhm... There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside.

Monica: Honey, you know I think you're hilarious! Come on, you know that joke you told me last week? The one about Jerry Lewis and the girl with the lazy eye...? (he laughs) That slayed me.

Ross: Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you! (He points at Chandler. Joey gestures to Ross "What are you doing?)

Joey: Not knowing when to shut up...

Ross: Yep! That's my thing...

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. David is still there. Mike closes the door.]

Mike: So... how many guys have your key?

Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no... It's not... it's not... i'ts not as bad as it looks... really. I was just saying goodbye to an old friend.

Mike: Your lipstick's on his mouth.

David: Oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the same shade.

Phoebe: No, uhm... David and I did use to go out... but years ago, and he lives in Minsk. He's only... he's only in town for a couple of days.

Mike: Did you uhm...

Phoebe: No, no...

Mike: ...kiss him?

Phoebe: Oh, well, yeah...

David: Yes, but uhm... You should know... she really likes you. I-In fact I-I-I don't think you realise j-just how lucky you are fella. (he points at Mike)

Mike: Don't point your finger at me.

David: Why? Wh-What are you going to do about it?

Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... (he hits David's finger with his finger and they start to finger-fight using their fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)

Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it, before someone gets really hurt! (they stop and Phoebe gets David's jacket and gives it to him) Here David, you should just go.

David: Allright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... (points at Mike) well, you just better watch out.

Mike: Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better watch out.

David: Oh, you're going to Minsk?

Mike: Well, I might.

David: Really? Well, if you do, come in the spring. It's just lovely there.

Phoebe: Okay, well... guys?

David: Right... Goodbye Phoebe. (Makes a move to kiss her.)

Mike: Hey, what are you kidding me?

David: Right-o, right-o... (to Mike) Take good care of her. (and he leaves)

Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If you... If you want your key back, I totally understand.

Mike: It's never gonna happen again right?

Phoebe: Right! Never! Never! I swear! (They kiss... The door opens and David comes in again.)

David: I-I... Oh I...I just wanna say uhm... if you do ever come to Minsk, that's my number (gives Mike a business card) We'll uhm... we'll party up Vladnik style. (He leaves again)

[Scene: Ross walks in the hallway to his apartment and stops in front of his own door. Now he hears two recorders playing a song. When he enters, Sandy and Joey are playing the recorder and Rachel listens.]

Joey: Yeah! Allright! Hey, hey Ross. Check it out! Sandy taught me Hot-cross Buns.

Ross: Really? Sounded like Three Blind Mice.

Joey: Noooo... Three Blind Mice goes like this... (he puts his fingers in position on the recorder)

Ross: (looks angrily at Joey and points at him) I swear to God...! (Joey is in shock)

Sandy: Who's up for puppets?

Joey: Me! I'm up for puppets!

Sandy: Well, please welcome... The Snufflebumps... Who wants to be mr. Wigglemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus?

Ross: Okay, okay... How exactly is a two month old supposed to appreciate puppets?

Sandy: Actually studies have shown that the movement and colours help their cerebral development... The whimsical characters are just for us. (He winks to Joey and Rachel. Ross's face says he disapproves. Joey sees that and kind of angrily says...)

Joey: I wanna be mr. Wigglemunch. (and makes a "there" nod to Ross)

Ross: (shakes his head) Oh my God!

Sandy: Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus... (Ross goes to the kitchen)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's kitchen. Ross got a beer from the refrigerator and opens the bottle. Rachel now also enters the kitchen.]

Rachel: That was kind of rude!

Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for me.

Rachel: You know, he was just doing his job...

Ross: Well, you know what... I-I'm sorry I'm the only one who isn't in love with Gary Poppins out there... But I just... I can't... I can't go through with this.

Rachel: Oh, come on Ross...

Ross: No! Hey, you know what? I'm sorry. I would never force you... to hire someone you were this uncomfortable with...

Rachel: (sighs) Oh... That's true.

Ross: Thank you!

Rachel: Well, you're the one who wants to fire him, so you're gonna have to do it. (Ross walks to the living room determined to fire Sandy)

[Scene: Living room. Joey and Sandy are talking with the Snufflebumps.]

Sandy: (In a puppet voice) So you see Wigglemunch, that's why it's important to shaaaaaaare...

Joey: (kind of emotional) I am learning so much from you.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Joey are sitting at the dinner table. Chandler comes from the bedroom with his suitcase.]

Chandler: Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your Maitre D. friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at www.hahanotsomuch.com.

Monica: Honey, you can relax. Last night at work, Geoffrey told this really sexist joke. After that, not so funny anymore.

Chandler: Really...? See... that's the thing: you gotta keep it smart, people!

Monica: Okay, don't miss that flight. You know I love you.

Chandler: I love you too. (Monica and Chandler kiss. He turns to Joey.) And... I like you as a friend. (They hug and pat each other on the back.)

Joey: Allright. See you later!

Chandler: See ya! (he leaves the apartment)

Joey: (to Monica) Did that guy really make that joke?

Monica: Naaaa... He still kills me. Last night he had me laughing so hard, I swear... a little pee came out.

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Sandy is knitting baby clothes. Ross and Rachel walk into the living room.]

Ross: Here goes...

Rachel: I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo. (Ross walks to the couch where Sandy sits)

Ross: Sandy... Hi, we uhm... we kinda need to talk. I'm afraid it's not working out.

Sandy: (surprised) Oh...

Ross: Yeah, uhm... I mean, Rachel and I, think you are great... with Emma... uhm... We just feel...

Rachel: (from behind the bedroom door) YOU! You feel!

Ross: I... just feel that the... the chemistry isn't right. I'm sorry. We're... we're more than happy to give you good recommendation...

Sandy: Oh, no, no, no... That's okay. I got a lot of offers from other families. I just picked you guys because... I liked you the best.

Rachel: (from bedroom) Oh, damn you Geller!

Ross: Anyway, uhm...Well, I'm glad there's no hard feelings.

Sandy: No, none at all. You need to be happy with whoever is in your home... Although if you don't mind telling me, what was your problem? Maybe it's something I can work on in the future.

Ross: No, you know, it's uhm... nothing you did, it's... it's uhm... my issue.

Sandy: What is it...? (Ross hesitates) Please...? (he tilts his head)

Ross: You know, I'm just not uhm... that comfortable with a guy who's as sensitive as you.

Sandy: That's fair... Although, can I ask... why do you think that is?

Ross: Why... I... I don't know. (Sandy tilts his head again) Uhm... errrr... maybe... maybe because of my father?

Sandy: hmmm... (and shakes his head)

Ross: I mean, uhm... you know when I was growing up he was kind of a tough guy... You know a-a-and as a kid I wasn't the athlete I am now.

Rachel: (from the bedroom) Huh ha ha!

Ross: I play squash...! Anyway, uhm... I uhm... I always get the feeling he thought I was too sensitive.

Sandy: That must have been hard.

Ross: It was hard... I remember... I was in my bedroom... playing with my dinosaurs... playing and learning... and my father walks in and says... he says... "What are you doing with those things? What's wrong with you, why aren't you... why aren't you outside playing like a... like a real boy?

Sandy: But you are a real boy!

Ross: I know I am! (Ross now starts to cry) ...And when it's summer, and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top?

Sandy: It's allright! Crying is good. It lets the boo-hoos out.

Ross: Here come some more...

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Sandy are sitting at the kitchen counter. Joey is holding mr. Wigglemunch, and Sandy holds the Grumpus.]

Sandy/Grumpus: And what's the one kind of boat that can never, ever sink?

Joey/Wigglemunch: What kind?

Sandy/Grumpus: A friend-ship...

Joey: Wow! You blow my mind...

Sandy: Oh, I gotta go.

Joey: Aaahh... How much do I owe you?

Sandy: Twenty bucks.

Joey: It's like the cheapest college ever.

END

907 - The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song

Written by: Robert Carlock

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug

Dedicated to the great work of Eric Aasen, Guineapig and many, many more.

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is playing with Emma on the couch after just changing her diaper.]

Ross: And that's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break. (baby talk) Yes we were! Yes we were! (picks Emma up) Come here gorgeous. (puts her on his knees and talks to her) Oh! Look at you! You are the cutest little baby ever! You're just a... a little bitty baby, you know that? But you've got... (in a softer voice) You've got big beautiful eyes... Yes you do... and a... and a big round belly. (emphasises the B's) Big baby butt! I like big butts. (raps) I like big butts and I cannot lie / you other brothers can't deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty, waist / and a round thing in your face you get...(Emma laughs) Oh my God, Emma... you're laughing! Oh my God, you've never done that before, have you? You never done that before... Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, daddy and Sir Mix Alot... What? What? You... you wanna hear some more? Uhm...(raps) My anaconda don't want none / unless you got buns hon... (Emma laughs again and Ross looks worried) I'm a terrible father!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey sits at a table and Chandler and Monica enter.]

Chandler: Hi!

Joey: Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know about investments?

Chandler: How come?

Joey: Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking... I should probably do something with it.

Monica: What do you do with your money now?

Joey: Well, I just tape it to the back of my toilet tank. (realises that anyone could have overheard that) I didn't say that! It's in a bank guarded by robots!

Chandler: Do you have any ideas?

Joey: Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kinda cool huh? Pitchin' in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus...

Monica: Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for meat.

Joey: (laughs) Yeah! Right! (points at Monica) People eat birds... Bird meat... Now do they just fly into your mouth or you go to... you go to a restaurant and you say: "Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird." (laughs again) Or... or maybe just a wing or... (realises...)

Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment.The Fed. just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. (looks at Chandler) That's right, I know some stuff!

Joey: Real estate, huh? Hmmm...

Monica: (very excited) Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment? Richard!

Chandler: (imitating Monica) Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!

Monica: My dad told me. They play golf together.

Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Rachel and Monica are sitting at the dinner table and Phoebe enters, knocking on the door.]

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel and Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Listen! You have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight! (Rachel gasps)

Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents! That's a big step.

Phoebe: (sarcastically) Really? That hadn't occurred to me.

Monica: They just gonna love you, just be yourself.

Phoebe: They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue!

Rachel: Oh yeah, she can't be herself.

Phoebe: Okay, so... allright... Which dress? (she holds up two 'Phoebe' dresses, Rachel and Monica look at them... taking their time, don't wanting to hurt Phoebe) You can say "neither".

Rachel and Monica: Oh God, neither!

Monica: I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna be fine.

Rachel: Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit, but not in a gross way. Just kind of like: "Oh mr. Pincer, I can see where Wallis gets his good looks..."

Monica: You went out with Wallis Pincer?

Rachel: Uh, he took the SAT's for me.

Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!

Rachel: Ssshyeah, well, duh! I mean...

Phoebe: So... now... What about with Mike's mom?

Rachel: Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually said I'm like the daughter that she never had.

Monica: (Monica looks at Rachel in disbelief) She said WHAT?

Phoebe: (speaking louder and articulating) That's she's like the daughter she never had. (Phoebe points at her ears) Listen! (Monica looks at Phoebe in a duh! way)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel enters the apartment.]

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents. She's so nervous, it's so sweet!

Ross: Guess what? I made Emma laugh today.

Rachel: (in disbelief) You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?

Ross: Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real little person laugh too. It was... it was like uhm... (Ross tries to impersonate Emma's laugh, but it comes out very squeaky, very high pitched. He laughs about himself but then looks at Rachel, realises that it sounded weird and straightens his face.) Only... only not creepy.

Rachel: Well... well, what did you do to make her laugh? (excited)

Ross: I uhm... Well, I sang... (Rachel gasps) well actually I rapped... Baby Got Back... (Rachel's face changes from excited to angry)

Rachel: You WHAT? You sang... to our baby daughter... a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?

Ross: But you know what, if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy uhm... body image... because... even big butts or uhm... juicy doubles.

Rachel: (disgusted) owwwww...

Ross: Please don't take her away from me!

[Scene: Richard's apartment. There's a knock on the door.The listing agent opens the door for Chandler and Joey.]

Catherine: Oh hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the listing agent.

Joey: Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler.

Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache?

Catherine: Actually, he is buying a much bigger place. It's got a great view of Central Pa.....

Chandler: mmm That's enough about you!

Joey: Is there anything we should know about the apartment?

Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here... (Joey and Chandler both realise what she's assuming and start laughing.)

Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not a couple. We're definately not a couple.

Catherine: Oh... Okay, sorry!

Joey: Well, you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you?

Chandler: We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge macho couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a real man! (laughs) You don't think he's here, do you? (Joey looks around)

Joey: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see I don't know if I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... (Joey sits down on the couch, mimes opening a can and puts his hand down his pants) Yeah, I could see it.

Chandler: (Chandler looks around the place and his eye gets caught by Richard's video collection) Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!

Joey: What?

Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.

Joey: Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's probably a sex tape... (realises) Wait a minute... This says Monica... (looks around) And this is Richard's apartment... (realises some more)

Chandler: Get there faster! (Joey gasps and finally understands...)

[Scene: Mike's parents building. Phoebe gets out of the classy elevator, looking all dressed up like an older woman, and very un-Phoebe. She walks to the door and rings the doorbell.]

Mike: Wow! You look like... like my mom.

Phoebe: I'm wearing pantyhose!

Mike: Great! Come on in! (Mike kisses her on the cheek. A butler walks in and takes Phoebe's coat.)

Phoebe: Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're RICH!

Mike: No, my parents are rich.

Phoebe: Yeah, so... They gotta die someday. (Mike's parents walk in) HELLO!

Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy.

Phoebe: (in a very posh accent) Theodore... Bitsy... What a delight!

Bitsy: It's so nice to finally meet you!

Phoebe: And you... Your home is lovely.

Bitsy: Well thank you, I'll give you a tour later. It's actually three floors.

Phoebe: Holy crap!

Bitsy: Phoebe, why don't you come in the living room and meet our friends?

Phoebe: Oh, try and stop me!

Mike: Hey... Wh... What are you doing?

Phoebe: (no accent) I'm trying to get your parents to like me.

Mike: Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wanting them to get to know Phoebe, not (accent) Phoebe...

Phoebe: (accent) Got it! It... It's hard to stop...

Mike: Well, come on...

Theodore: Phoebe, these are our friends, Tom and Sue Angle.

Bitsy: Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where are you from?

Phoebe: (no accent) Uhm... Okay, well, allright, uhm... Originally I'm from upstate, but uhm... then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to prison, so... I just moved to the city where uhm... I actually lived in a burned out Buick LeSabre for a while... (frowns are received) which was okay, that was okay, until uhm... I got hepatitis, you know, 'cause this pimp spit in my mouth and... but I... I got over it and uhm... anyway, now I'm uhm... a freelance massage therapist, uhm... which, you know, isn't always steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, huh... (everyone in the room finds it a bit surreal, which Phoebe realises and starts to talk in the accent again) So... where does everyone summer?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Mike's parents house again.]

Phoebe: God! God! This is not going well.

Mike: No, no, no, you're doing fine, really... Why don't you go talk to my dad?

Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, okay... Still sure about me being myself?

Mike: Absolutely! Or maybe just a little less pimp spit.

Phoebe: So Theodore... I uhm... I can see where Mike gets his good looks from...

Theodore: Oh... Well...

Phoebe: Yeah... And that physique! You must work out all the time...

Theodore: Oh no, not all the time... I do the best I can...

Phoebe: Yeah I bet! Look out! (Phoebe punches Theodore right in the stomach)

Theodore: OH! OWWWWW! (Theodore grabs his stomach in agony)

Phoebe: Oh my God, are you okay?

Theodore: I recently had surgery.

Phoebe: I'm so sorry!

Theodore: No, I'll be fine... I just should check the stitches...

Phoebe: I really, really am sorry.

Theodore: How could you know. Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach? (Theodore walks out... Mike walks towards Phoebe)

Mike: Uhm... Did you just hit my dad?

Phoebe: Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a boyfriends parents before...

Mike: But, I mean, you have met... humans before, right? Look, why don't you go talk to my mom?

Phoebe: Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk to her.

Mike: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding. (Mike walks away and Bitsy walks in the same direction.)

Phoebe: Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight.

Bitsy: Well, not at all...

Phoebe: Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is.

Bitsy: Thank you, I think so too.

Phoebe: Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of women.

Bitsy: Is he really?

Phoebe: Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you know I think... you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover.

Bitsy: E-e-excuse me?

Phoebe: (Mike now enters and stands behind Phoebe) Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong. No, he's not in like a sissy way. No, no, no... when he gets going, he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave...

Bitsy: That's... my boy. (Bitsy walks away)

Mike: Awesome!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Only Chandler is there with the videotape in his hands, standing in front of the TV set.]

Chandler: I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED to watch it... I mean, what good could possibly come from watching? (sighs) Well, we know I'm gonna watch it. (Chandler moves to put the tape in the VCR and Joey enters the apartment)

Joey: Hey dude, what's up?

Chandler: Don't judge me, I'm only human!

Joey: Did you take that tape?

Chandler: I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know what was on it?

Joey: I don't know. Who'm I'm married to?

Chandler: Some girl...!?

Joey: She hot?

Chandler: Yeah...!?

Joey: How did she get me to settle down?

Chandler: Allright, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably not even what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't possibly be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head... (laughs nervously) Can it?

Joey: Guess I don't know. My experience: if a girl says yes to being taped... She doesn't say no to much else, I tell ya...

Chandler: Then you're gonna have to watch it for me.

Joey: (backs off) What? Whoo... What?

Chandler: Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please?

Joey: All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame... (Chandler turns his back to the TV. Joey puts the tape in the VCR, switches it on and watches what's on the tape... It's clearly a american football match, with the referee's whistle blowing, the crowds cheering...)

Chandler: Why am I hearing cheering?

Joey: Well it's okay, its like... its just a football game.

Chandler: Football? Just football?

Joey: Yeah, see... you were all worried for nothing.

Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a moaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in size...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the apartment door...) What are you doing?

Joey: You don't wanna see what I just saw! (at this moment Monica comes home, and sees Chandler flat on his back on the floor and Joey pinning him down)

Monica: What are you guys doing? (Monica hears the moaning coming from the TV and looks at it) Oh my God, is that Richard? (It only takes a split second for Joey to realise, he pulls Monica down by her jacket, and she falls, face down next to Chandler. Chandler gets up a bit, and Joey quickly covers Chandler's eyes with his hand.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Emma is sitting in her chair on the apothecary table and Rachel is trying to make her laugh.]

Rachel: Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh for mommy... (Rachel makes a funny face, sticking her tongue out, making a farting noise and using her hands as antlers, wiggling her fingers... No response from Emma...) Not funny huh? Oh so, is it... only offensive novelty rap? Or maybe just, you know, rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap... (Rachel tries to rap and makes weird movements with her arms in the process.) My name is mommy and I'm here to say / that all the babies are... Oh, I can't rap... Allright sweetheart... This is only because I love you so much, and I know that you're not gonna tell anybody... (Rachel's face is telling "Oh what am I doing? The things I have to go through... and she starts to rap) I like... big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face... (Emma starts to laugh) Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh! Oh! (Rachel now really gets into it, and her insecure movements start getting better) I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... Oh Emma you're laughing! Oh you are, you really do like big butts, don't you. Oh you beautiful little weirdo... (Rachel picks up Emma and Ross now enters)

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh it was amazing. It was amazing. It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound that...

Ross: Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to get her to laugh?

Rachel: Oh! You know, I just... couple of things I tried ... I just sang a little doo... Itsy Bitsy Spider...

Ross: You sang Baby Got Back didn't you?

Rachel: Nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass...

[Scene: Mike's parents house, the dining room. Mike, Phoebe, Mike's parents and the Angles are there.]

Phoebe: ...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t / I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the song... I realise that you didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes.

Mike: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved?

Phoebe: Oh, Pervert Parade?

Mike: (sighs) No...

Phoebe: Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair?

Mike: Stop! (The butler serves dinner)

Phoebe: Oh God! Is that veal?

Mike: Mom, I thought I told you... Phoebe's a vegetarian.

Bitsy: Oh!

Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, no... That's okay, that's okay... I mean, I'm... I am a vegetarian... except for veal... Yeah no, veal I love...

Mike: Phoebe you don't have to eat...

Phoebe: No, no, no, I actually it's any baby animals: kittens, fish babies... You know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat running through it... (she cuts the meat, picks it up with her fork and holds it in front of her mouth, which she keeps closed, trying to overcome her vegetarian thoughts... and... puts it in her mouth... Clearly not enjoying the meat...) Hmmm... yummy (everybody seems okay with it, except Mike. He's making a hmmmm.... face... Then Phoebe swallows it) Hmmm... (at first she likes it, but then, in an instant puts her hand in front of her mouth and runs from the table. You hear a door slamming.)

Mike: So...? What do you think? (looks at his parents, which look in disgust)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Monica switches off the VCR. Joey and Chandler are behind the couch.]

Monica: So you stole that tape from Richard's apartment?

Chandler: Whoho ho... Listen to the judgement from the porn star!

Monica: That tape was never meant to be seen by... (pauses) Joey I would feel more comfortable if I was having this conversation in private.

Joey: (laughs) Monica, look... I don't think you and I have any secrets anymore... (Monica keeps looking at Joey) Not ready to joke about it yet, okay, I see you later. (Joey walks out)

Monica: Why in the world would you take this tape and and why would you watch it?

Chandler: Because that's who I am, okay? I'm sure a mature man like Richard could see a tape like that and it wouldn't bother him. Just'd be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy and moustaches.

Monica: Is all this about you not being able to grow a moustache?

Chandler: This is about you and Richard. He's clearly not over you. He keeps a tape so he can... look at it whenever he wants.

Monica: Isn't that sad? I mean, can you see how pathetic that is? You shouldn't be jealous. You should feel bad for him.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Y'... I can grow a moustache!

Monica: Chandler, this is not our problem. We've got each other. That's all that matters.

Chandler: Yeah, oh, but I just keep picturing you rolling around with him with your cowboy boots in the air...

Monica: Cowboy boots? I've never worn cowboy boots in my whole life! (she turns on the video again)

Chandler: Oh, good, good. Play more, 'cause I wanna see how it ends.

Monica: THAT'S NOT ME!

Chandler: What...? That's not you! Life is good again! Ride 'em cowgirl!

Monica: That bastard taped over me! (Chandler's expression changes)

Chandler: Is that a problem?

Monica: I-It's just so insulting! Big spring for a new blank tape, Doctor!

[Scene: Mike's parents house. Dining room again. Both Mike and Phoebe are not at the table, but the others still are.]

Theodore: I can't imagine what he sees in her.

Bitsy: She actually makes me miss that pill-popping ex-wife of his. (Mike walks in) Oh, hello dear...

Mike: Hey, what's going on?

Bitsy: We were just chit-chatting. How's your friend?

Mike: A little better.

Bitsy: By the way, do you know who's moving back into town? Tom and Sue's daughter Jen.

Theodore: You remember her Michael, she's lovely and... well behaved and... single.

Mike: I'm not interested.

Bitsy: Oh, please darling, let's be honest. You can have all the... sailor fun you want with that one, but... let's be real...

Mike: All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has done tonight is trying to get you to like her. And maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but she did her best. And yeah... She's a little different than you are...

Bitsy: Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth! (Phoebe almost enters the room, but she hears the discussion and waits and evesdrops next to the door-opening.)

Mike: So what? I mean if even I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her. You just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I love...

Bitsy: The woman you what? (Phoebe overheard what Michael said and now enters the room)

Phoebe: Yeah... The woman you what?

Mike: The woman I love... (he walks to Phoebe) I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life...

Phoebe: I love you too...

Mike: You do?

Phoebe: YEAH...! How great is this...? (they kiss)

Mike: Wanna get out of here?

Phoebe: Okay.

Mike: Mom, dad, thanks for dinner.

Phoebe: I had a great time. (accent) It was really top drawer. And here's something rich: thirteen bathrooms in this place... I threw up in the coat closet... Ta taaa...

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's. Emma is in her bed and Ross and Rachel are rapping and dancing for her.]

Ross: She sweat, wet. got it going like a turbo 'vette.

Rachel: So fellas

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: fellas

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: has your girlfriend got the butt?

Ross: Hell yeah!

Rachel: So shake it! (Rachel slaps Ross's butt on the beat)

Ross: Shake it!

Rachel: Shake it! (Phoebe, Mike, Chandler, Monica and Joey step in)

Ross: Shake it!

Rachel: Shake that nasty butt...

Ross: Baby got back (Then Ross turns around and sees their friends standing in the doorway)

Rachel: One more time from the top... I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other br... (She also turns and sees the gang)

Ross: Rachel please! That is so inappropriate!

END

908 - The One With Rachel's Other Sister

[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment.]

Monica: Hey Hon, could you help me get the plates down?

Chandler: Yeah. Hey, here's an idea, why don't we use our wedding china today?

Monica: No, I think we should save our china for something really special. Like if the Queen of England comes over.

Chandler: Honey, she keeps canceling on us, take the hint.

Monica: What if something gets broken, they're so expensive.

Chandler: What is the point of having them if we never use them?

Monica: Ok, but if something gets broken, and then the Queen comes over..

Chandler: I will explain it to her.

Monica: <laughs> Oh yeah, like I'm going to let you talk to the queen.

Joey: wow, the parade is really good this year. Man those horses can crap.

TV announcer: Next up is a marching band from Muskogee, OK.

Chandler: Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo hoo!

TV announcer: And heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives .

<Joey's eyes become large and he stands up>

Joey: Oh my God!

Chandler: Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives?

Joey: Yeah! I totally forgot I'm supposed to be there. I can't believe I forgot. I usually write stuff like this on my arm.

<Chandler grabs Joey's left arm and pushes the sleeve up>

<Joey looks>

Oh! Stupid long sleeves.

Chandler: What are you going to do?

Joey: I guess I'm going to have to come up with a really good reason why I wasn't there. The producers are going to be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said "Everyone has to be there at 6:00 AM sharp, that means you Tribbiani." Like.. like I was some kind of idiot.

Chandler: Well you proved them wrong.

Joey nods: Yeah.

<Chandler nods and his eyes get big like he's saying 'what the hell'>

Opening Credits

Ross and Rachels Apartment

<Ross and Rachel are putting baby stuff together like they're going to be going somewhere.>

Rachel to Emma: Oh Emma. This is going to be your first Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's bobbies.

Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.

< knock on door>

Woman at door: Hello? Rachel?

Rachel: Who is it?

Woman at door: It's your favorite sister.

Ross and Rachel while looking at each other surprised and shocked: Jill?

Woman at door in a sing song voice: Amy.

Rachel: Hide my rings.

<Ross goes into Rachel's room>

Rachel: Oh. <opens door preparing herself and then happily says>

Amy! Happy Thanksgiving.

Amy: Do you have a hair straightener?

Rachel: Um... hi.

Amy: oh... hi.. <goes to Rachel with open arms>

Rachel: Aw.

<Amy grabs her arms>

Amy: Hair Straightener?

Rachel: I haven't seen you in like.. a year.

Amy: Oh, I know, I know. I've just been crazed.

Rachel: Oh well yeah me too. Um.. I had a baby.

Amy: I decorated Dad's office.

Rachel: Oh.. yeah? Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, <shakes head no> not the same thing.

Amy: Listen, um about the hair straightener, honey.. I really need one. I'm going to have dinner at my boyfriend's house.

<Amy bending over fiddling with her purse when Emma cries and she hears Emma>

Amy: Oh my God!

Rachel: mh hmm..

Amy: Is this Emmett? <pointing to EMMA>

Rachel: Uh.... its Emma.

Amy: Its a girl?

<Ross comes out of the bedrooms>

Ross: Hey Amy.

Rachel: Oh Amy, you remember Ross.

Amy: Not really. But you are much cuter then that geeky guy she used to date.

Ross: That was me.

Amy: No, he was this creepy guy from high school who had this huge crush on her since like the ninth grade.

Ross with a look of wondering how long this is going to go on on his face: Still me.

Amy: No, I'm not talking about you. <to Rachel> It was your fat

friends brother with that bad afro, do you remember?

Ross starts talking over her 'do you remember' line: Amy. I'm going to save you some time, ok. <spins finger around in circle> All me.

Monica and Chandler's Apartment.

<Joey is walking around looking worried. >

Monica: Careful. <hands Chandler a china plate> Careful. CAREFUL!

<Chandler is startled and nearly drops the plates.> Sorry.

Chandler: I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise. <looks at china> hey wait a minute this isn't the china we picked out..

Monica: I know, after you left the store, I chose different ones.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: well no offense honey, but your taste is a little feminine for me.

Chandler: Oh suddenly, flowers are feminine?

< Phoebe comes in>

Phoebe: Hey, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving!

Joey: Hey happy Thanksgiving.. Pheebs! <motions her to come over>

Phoebe: Hey, what's going on Joe?

Joey: I.. I.. I need a good lie.

Phoebe: Oh okay. How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing. You know? You. you could. You could see the strings people!

Joey: No, no, no I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today.

Phoebe: Ooh, honey. You stink at lying.

Joey: I do not.

Phoebe: Oh really. Okay. let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my muffin was gone-who took it?

Joey: Somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, went straight for your muffin and I said "Hey don't eat that-that's Phoebe's" and he said.. <pause> He said.. "Joey you stink at lying." What am I going to do?

Phoebe: Don't worry, don't worry. We'll come up with a good lie. I'll help you practice it.

Joey: Oh great, that'd be great. Thank you.

Phoebe: Sure, what.. what was the work thing?

Joey: Uh.. <forgetting what the work thing was, rolls up his sleeve on his right arm and shows Phoebe, she looks>

Phoebe: "Pick up grandma at the airport"?

Joey: Oh.. man..

Ross and Rachel's Apartment.

Amy with straight hair: Oh she's precious. Do you ever worry she's going to get your real nose?

Rachel: Amy! <pause> Yes I do.. I really do. <grabs Ross' hand for support>

<Amy's cell phone rings>

Amy: Hello? Yeah, um. Hang on one sec. <to Ross and Rachel> Can I take this upstairs?

Ross: Sure, we don't live there but...

Amy: Seriously? Its.. its just these rooms? <moves hands around motioning 'just these rooms'> <To Ross> I thought you were a doctor.

Rachel: Yeah, no. Ross has a PhD.

Amy: Ew. <walks into Rachel's room, I'm guessing>

Rachel: God she is unbelievable.

Ross: I know, I mean a PhD is just as good as an MD.

Rachel: Oh sure Ross, yeah. If I have a heart attack in a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush.

Amy storms out: Stupid Thanksgiving.

Rachel: What? What happened?

Amy: My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean.. I I finally find a real relationship. I mean, someone that I can spend this day with and then his wife comes back into town. I swear, its almost not worth dating married guys.

Ross: Don't say that.

Amy: Oh. I was so looking forward to this. It was going to be such a beautiful Thanksgiving. We were going to have sushi.

Rachel: Oh Amy, don't cry Amy.  Um.. Ross, could I talk to you in private?

Ross: Sure, you want to go upstairs?

<Ross and Rachel go in the kitchen>

Rachel: Um look I was thinking.. If its ok with Monica I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.

Ross: You know, I think thats a great idea. It'll be like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

Rachel: Look I know she's a little tough to take. She has no where else to go, and she's my sister. Alright, she's Emma's aunt. And I would like them to bond.

Ross: Ok, fine, but I don't want them bonding to much. I don't want her telling Emma she needs a nose job.

Rachel: Ross, you know what? She may need one..We're just going to have to make our peace with that!

<Rachel grabs Ross' hand for support and starts to cry a little>

Monica and Chandler's apartment

Rachel opens their door: Hi.

Everyone there says: Hi, hey.

Rachel: Hey you guys, this is my sister Amy.  This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and you know Mon.

Everyone: Hi.

Amy: Oh my god. You're on Days of Our Lives.

Joey laughs: Yeah.

Amy: wow. They must put a lot of makeup on you.

Joey looks rejected: Hap.. Hap.. Happy Thanksgiving.

<Joey turns away and Chandler reassuringly pats him on the back>

Ross to Monica: Hi.

Monica to Ross: Hi.

<they hug and kiss on check>

Monica to Emma: Hey you.

Monica to Amy: So. Welcome. Is this your first time you're seeing Emma?

Amy with confused look on face: Yeah I.. I think so. <sticks her hand out to shake hands with Phoebe and says to her> It's nice to meet you Emma.

Phoebe shakes her hand and says: Phoe-Be.

Amy: Oh. That's a funny noise.

<Monica and Amy turn away and walk into the living room towards the secret closet>

Joey: Pheebs, I still need some help here

Phoebe: Oh right, ok um. Ok so its not just the lie you tell. but its the way you tell it. . For example if you look down at the ground when you're talking, people know you're lying.

Joey: Oh.. I don't know why this is so hard for me. you know.. I mean lying is basically just acting and I am a terrfic actor.

Phoebe looks down: You are a terrific actor.

<Joey realizes what she's doing>

Amy coming out of the bathroom: Hey. Hey where's the baby?

Rachel: Oh we just put her down for a nap.

Amy: Oh I was just thinking. You know what would be incredible? If you guys died.

Ross first has a look of 'huh' then changes it to sarcastic happy: Thank you Amy.

Amy: no, no, then I would get the baby. I mean you know it would be just like a movie. Like at first I wouldn't know what to do with her, then I would rise to the occasion and and then I would get a makeover and then I'd get married.

Phoebe: Thats a great movie. <she claps>

<Joey nods in agreement>

Amy: Now listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything cause you know you'd be dead. I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of Emily. [Transcriber note: I'm surprised that Rachel and Ross didn't say they weren't either here]

Ross: Emma.

Amy turns around to Phoebe: Emma, Ross wants you.

Phoebe: PHOE-BE.

Amy turns to Ross and Rachel: Why does she keep making that noise?

Rachel: Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but um, if something were to happen to Ross or to myself <Ross and Rachel knock on wood> um you wouldn't get the baby.

Amy: Well who would?

Ross: Well we haven't offically asked them yet, but we would want Monica and Chandler.

Chandler: I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma.

Monica: yeah oh my god, I'm so moved.

Amy: I don't believe this, hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby?

Rachel: See look Amy, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby.

Amy: Connected? I mean.. to what? She's.. she's  a lump.

Chandler: You know, guys I got to say. This means so much to me. That you would trust me with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica and I have been trying to have a baby of our own. You know I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two.. that you two.... <starts to cry>

Amy: <points to Chandler> This guy? Seriously?

Later in the day.

Monica: Okay! It's time for dinner. Everyone we're using our fancy china.. um and its very expensive so please be careful.

Ross starts playing with a plate: Woah. Woah... <nearly really drops the plate and more seriously> Woah.

Monica: Okay, just to be clear comedy with the plates will not be well recieved. <pinches Ross' arm>

Ross makes some sort of sound to let us know it hurt.

Joey: Hey! How come my plate's less fancy then everyone else's? Do you not trust me with a fancy plate?

Monica: No, honey, its. thats a special plate.  See its a game, whoever gets that plate wins.

Joey: I can't believe I won.

Amy: Its such a slap in the face. I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me.

Rachel: Monica is Ross' sister.

Amy: No, Ross' sister was really fat.

Monica: That was me.

Amy: No, she was this really dorky girl in high school that used to follow Rachel around like a puppy dog.

Rachel: Hey. Amy. You've got to stop doing that.

<Amy gets pissed and starts cutting food on the fancy plate very harshly, you can hear the silveware scraping the fancy plate>

Monica about to have a heart attack: Okay, listen I know you're having a little bit of a family crisis, but you don't have to take it out on the plates. I mean, I mean in fact I think that everyone should cut their food like this.

<Monica holds a turkey leg up in the air over the plate trying to cut meat off with a knife>

Monica: Now see, this way you protect the plate.. and lets face it you have fun.

Amy: Okay, how about this, you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do I get the baby?

Chandler: No, if crazy plate lad.. <sees Monica frustrated at this comment> If Monica dies then I would get Emma, Right?

<Ross and Rachel pause and ponder this>

Rachel: Well actually...

Chandler: Actually what?

Ross: well.. its just. its just in that case, then um. Emma would go to my parents.

Chandler: What?

Amy: Hurts, doesn't it?

<Chandler gives a look that says "Yeah!">

Joey raises his hand: Uh.. who has to die for me to get her?

<Everyone is looking around and at Joey with looks of 'what?' on their faces>

Commercial Break.

Chandler: So if Monica's not around, then I'm not good enough to raise Emma?

Ross looks down: No,  that that is not what we're saying.

Joey: Yeah he's lying. He looked down.

<Joey looks to Phoebe and she nods in agreement>

Chandler: Well what is wrong with me? Am I .. am I incomptent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!

Rachel: Honey, you're taking this the wrong way. We think you're going to be a wonderful parent. It's just.. you're more the fun parent.

Ross: Yeah and we'd want to make sure Emma has someone like Monica who is more uh. uh discliplinarin.. someone who can be firm and strict.

Monica: Thats not how you see me, is it?

Phoebe while cutting a sweet potatoe in the air: No you're all about the fun.

Chandler: Look, I may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think I'm not capable?

Ross: No, you both are equally capable. Its just.. you're strongest when.. when you're together.

Chandler: Ok. So if we both had Emma and I die <knocks on table>  she'd have to give her up.

Ross: Sure, Monica would have to give her up.

Joey: I lie better then that, right?

Chandler: So.. let me get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?

Phoebe: There's your movie! <claps>

Later on.

Monica opens her front door. Chandler is sitting in the hallway.

Monica: Hey. There you are. You disappeared after dinner.

Chandler: Oh? Did somebody miss me? Is there a child to raise poorly?

Monica: Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about. I mean its not like their so responsible. Emma is a product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.

Chandler: Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be.

Monica: No you learn these things. You grow into it.

Chandler: Yeah, but its not who I am. Everything they said was exaclty why I was worried about having a kid. And its true. And look everybody knows it.

Monica: I don't know it! I want to have a kid with you because I think you're going to be an amazing dad... at the fun parts and the hard parts.

Chandler: Oh yeah, well can you picture me saying "Go to your room! You're grounded"?

Monica: Can you hear me say "You're grounded"?

Chandler: You said that to me last week.

Monica: How hard is it? No shoes on the furniture.

Back to Monica and Chandler's apartment.

Amy is sitting on a chair by the bay window looking mad.

Joey groans and gets off the phone: The producer from Days left a message on my machine asking why I wasn't at the parade. They said everybody's pissed off at me.. <whiny voice> And they all got to meet Santa!

Phoebe: It's ok. I thought of the perfect lie for you. It's easy to remember and doesn't invite a lot of questions. You weren't at the parade because you had a family emergency.

Joey: Oh, I like that, yeah. Wasn't at the parade because I had a family emergency.

Phoebe: Ooh, what happened?

Joey all nervous and looking down and fiddling with his ear: Oh.. My sister's raccoon.

Phoebe: No! Nothing with a raccoon.

Joey: Arg... Alright, I'll take care of it. <throws hands out in the air>

Monica and Chandler come through the front door.

Monica: Oh wait.. What are you doing?

Joey: Setting the table.

Phoebe: Yeah we thought it would be nice to use the fancy china for dessert too.

Monica: Oh how nice. Maybe later we can all go blow our noses on my wedding dress.

Ross comes out of the guest bedroom with the diaper bag and the car seat carrying thingy.. yeah.. thats the techinal term.. He goes to Chandler.

Ross: Hey dude, you okay? Sorry about before.

Chandler: Oh no thats okay, you're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings and I want you to know that when I die, you don't get Joey.

Ross walks away with a face of yeah ok.

Amy walks over to the couch and sits down next to Rachel: Ucch.  <pauses> Uchh <louder this time> In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you.

Rachel: UCHH! <much louder and longer then Amy's>

Amy: You know.. this.. this is classic Rachel.

Rachel: Yeah.. yeah right.. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby?

Amy: This might be my one chance to have a baby Rachel. I mean, you know that I have been so busy focusing on my carrer.

Rachel: What? What carrer?

Amy: Um.. I'm a decorator.

Rachel: Ok. You decorate dad's office and so now you're a decorator. Okay! I went to the zoo yesterday and now I'm a koala bear.

Amy: Why can't you ever be supportive?

Rachel: Sup.. You want to talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.

Amy: Oh. Yeah. Well.. You didn't come see me when I was in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.

Rachel: I did the first time! Oh. Oh.. <gets up and walks into the kitchen> And you know what. You want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you.

Ross: Emma.

Rachel turns to Ross: Oh whose side are you on? <back to Amy> I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responibility of a child.

Amy: How hard could it be? You do it.

Joey: ooh oooh..

Amy: Do you want to know why you don't want  me to have the baby?

Rachel: uh huh.

Amy: Because you don't want me to be happy. You.. you have always been jealous of me.

Rachel: Jealous of what? Of your lack of responsiblity? You, your immaturity? Your total disregard of other people's feelings?

Amy: Uh.. To name a few.  You know.. You know.. You've just always been like this. You just have to have everything. And I couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt me?

Rachel: Timmy was my boyfriend and you made out with him!

Amy: Oh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it.

Rachel: I cannot, I cannot believe that I invited you here today.

Amy: Yeah, well you know what I cannot believe. That my so-called sister, gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren and I still have to pay retail.

Rachel: ah ha ha. ah ha ha. <evil meancing laughter> It's forty five.

Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby and your, your small apartment. <directs this to Ross who in turns throws the towel in his hand down on the table> Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute.

<everyone sucks their breath in, in shock>

Ross walks over: Too far, Amy. Too far.

Rachel: You take that back.

Amy: No.

Rachel: Take it back!

Amy: No! What are you going to do? Make me?

Rachel: Heey man, I work out.

<Ross nods his head and points at her, in a yes manner>

Amy: So do I.

Rachel: I do pilates.

Amy: I do yoga.

Rachel: Bring it on!

<Amy pushes Rachel and Monica goes berserk and runs around the table>

Monica: Put the plates in the boxes!! Put the plates in the boxes!

Rachel: Did you just push me?

Amy: Uh, yeah I think I did.

Rachel: Alright. Thats it! <Pushes Amy back>

Monica screaming at Ross: Forget the bubblewrap! There isn't time!

<Rachel and Amy 'fighting'.. They're really just trying to slap each other and just keep slapping their hands>

Rachel starts messing up Amy's hair: Frizzy frizzy frizzy frizzy!!

<They go back to fighting and then it really gets on>

Phoebe: Oh my god! Shouldn't we stop this?

Joey: What? Are you out of your mind? Lets throw some jello on them.

<Amy starts spitting on Rachel's hand and Rachel is saying ew and pushes her away>

Rachel: Ew! Gross.

<Amy runs towards Rachel and Rachel puts her arm out, hand on Amy's head and Amy starts trying to hit her but is missing, Rachel is moving backwards towards the table when her hand swipes the one plate left on the table on to the floor>

<Everyone is shocked and Monica faints and Ross catches her>

Chandler: Alright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. I want you to apologize to her right now.

Amy: I'm sorry.

Rachel: Mon, I'm so sorry.

Chandler: Okay. Thats better. Now I want you to both apologize to each other and mean it.

Amy and Rachel at same time: Sorry.

Chandler: By the way, that fight was totally arousing.

Ross: Dude. Well done. You know what? If I die, and Rachel dies and Monica dies then you can totally take care of Emma.

Chandler: Oh yeah? Well thanks.

Ross: So, so now do I get Joey?

Chandler: Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.

<Ross ponders that and walks away>

Rachel: Are you okay Mon?

Monica: uh huh.. I mean these things happen. Its' just a plate. Its not like somebody died.

Phoebe: It's all right. You can mourn.

Monica starts crying: Thank you. It was so beautiful. <gets up and walks towards the front door> I'm going to go to Joeys and get the pies.

Joey: Actually its not pies, its just pie.

Monica: I don't care. <pauses and realizes...> Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold.

Rachel: Look Amy, it got a little of control..Um.. and I'm sorry. You're my sister and uh.. if it really means that much to you..

Amy: So you're going to give me the baby?

Rachel: Uh. No.. I was going to let you use my Ralph Lauren discount.

Amy starting to cry: You are not going to regret this.

<they hug and Rachel has this disgusted look on her face and then Emma starts crying>

Rachel: She needs changing.

Chandler: Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. <knocks over the box of china> Well.. what do you know? I guess, I'll be the one who dies first.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler is packing the broken china in its box. He's taping up the top of box so thoroughly, there isn't an inch of cardboard which isn't covered in tape. He is struggling with the tape dispenser.]

Phoebe: Hey, does Monica know about her broken plates yet?

Chandler: Nope...

Phoebe: Broke them all, huh?

Chandler: Yep...

Phoebe: You gonna tell her?

Chandler: Nope... (Monica walks in) Hey... so I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I think you were right, I don't think we should use these plates again for a looong time.

Monica: Like only if the queen comes?

Chandler: Maybe not even then. (Joey walks in)

Joey: Hey! I did it. I called my producer. I told him I had a family emergency, he totally bought it. Thanks for teaching me how to lie Pheebs.

Phoebe: No problem! Next week: stealing... (Chandler walks away to store the box of broken china.)

Monica: Bye plates!

Joey: Oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh? (Chandler walks back, looking angrily at Joey)

Monica: What? Something happened with the plates?

Joey: Uhm... (looks down) Yeah... this uhm... raccoon came in...

FRIENDS

THE ONE WITH RACHEL'S PHONE NUMBER

Directed by: Ben Weiss

Written by: Mark Kunerth

Transcript by: David Buehrle

[Scene: Chandler's office in Tulsa.   His assistant is showing him photographs.]

JO LYNN: This kitty is Mittens and this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies.

CHANDLER: Yep.  That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn.  Single are ya?

(Phone rings.  Chandler answers using the speaker phone.)

CHANDLER: Chandler Bing.

JOEY: Hey.  How come you're answering your own phone?  Where's your crazy assistant?

(She frowns.  Chandler picks up the hand set.)

CHANDLER: What's up Joe?

JOEY: Okay, what have we always wanted to do together?

CHANDLER: Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach?

JOEY: No, no, no.  When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are going to be at the Wizzards-Knicks game . . .  courtside!

CHANDLER: Courtside?  Oh my God.

JOEY: Yeah.  Maybe Michael Jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee.

CHANDLER: That's so cool.  I'll let Monica know.

(Chandler hangs up and calls Monica who is reading a book on their sofa as the phone rings.)

MONICA: Hello?

CHANDLER: Joey just called.  He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.

MONICA: Really?  But tomorrow night is the only night I get off from the restaurant.  If you go to the game, we won't have a night together for another week.

CHANDLER: But hey, it's courtside.  The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr. . . (Pause)  That's not the way to convince you.

MONICA: Chandler look, I don't want to be one of those wives who says, "You can't go to the game.  You have to spend time with me."  So, if you could just realize it on your own . . .

CHANDLER: I know.  You're right.  I want to see you too.  I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know?  He's really looking forward to this.

MONICA: Tell him that you haven't seen your wife in a long time.  Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult.  Tell him that what little time we have is precious.

CHANDLER: Yeah, ah, ah . . .  I'll think of something.

[ OPENING CREDITS ]

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.  Ross is in the living room covering Emma.  Rachel enters wearing a sexy dress.]

ROSS: Wow!  (pause)  Wow, You look . . . uh . . .   It's just, ah . . .   That dress . . . uh . . .

RACHEL: Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good.

ROSS: Well, well, they're good.  It's been a while since I've seen you like this.  You, you clean up good.

RACHEL: Oh well, well thank you.  (She laughs.  He stares for a moment.)  Okay, stop.  Stop looking at me like that.  The last time that happened, (points to Ross) that happened.  (points to Emma.)

ROSS: Oh right, right.  (They pause and exchange a glance. Then, Ross looks away.)  So, are you . . . ah . . . you excited about your, your first night away from Emma?

RACHEL: Yeah, yeah.  Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun.  And thank you for watching the baby, by the way.

ROSS: Oh, it's fine.  Actually, I, I invited Mike over.

RACHEL: Phoebe's Mike?

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: I didn't know you guys hung out.

ROSS: We don't.  But I thought it would be nice to get to know him.  You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.

RACHEL: Oh that's so cute:  Ross and Mike's first date.  Is that going to be awkward?  I mean, what are you guys going to talk about?

ROSS: I don't know.  But, you know, we, we have a lot in common, you know.  He plays piano; I played keyboards in college.  He's been divorced; I have some experience in that area.

(Rachel nods.  There is a knock on the door.)

RACHEL: Yeah.

(Phoebe and Mike enter.)

PHOEBE: Hi

RACHEL: Hey.

PHOEBE: (spotting Rachel's dress) Oooh.  Girl's night out indeed.

RACHEL: (to Ross) Ok.  So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross . . .

ROSS: Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right?  You go have fun.

RACHEL: Okay.  You too.  And I hope you score.  (to Mike) Bye.

MIKE: Bye.

ROSS: So . . .  Welcome.

MIKE: (Holds up a six pack of Foster's Lager) I got beer.

ROSS: I got bottled breast milk.

MIKE: Eh, why don't we start with the beer?

ROSS: Okay.  (They sit.)  So, um, Phoebe tells me you, ah, you play piano.

MIKE: Yeah.

ROSS: You know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards in college.

MIKE: Ah?  (pause)  Do you have one here?

ROSS: No.

MIKE: Okay.  (pause)

(They clink beer bottles, and drink.  Then, they stare uncomfortably at their bottles.)

ROSS: Um . . . ah . . . you know, I'm divorced.  Um, Phoebe, ah . . . Phoebe said you . . . You've been divorced?

MIKE: Yeah.  (pause)  Yeah, I'm sorry.  I don't . . . I don't really like to talk about it.

ROSS: (pause) That's okay.  We'll talk about (pause) something else.  (They pause.  They drink.)

MIKE:  So, you're a paleontologist, right?

ROSS: Yeah.

MIKE: My cousin's a paleontologist.

ROSS: Ah?  (Mike nods.  Another pause.)  Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.

[Scene:  Monica and Chandler's apartment.  Monica is wearing a sexy negligee.  She pours two glasses of wine as Chandler enters with a carry-on suitcase.  He sets the case by the door.)

MONICA: Hi.

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA: Welcome home.

CHANDLER: (Hangs his jacket over the suitcase, locks the door, then turns to Monica.)  Oh well, look at you.

MONICA: Yeah.  What do you think?

CHANDLER: Well, it looks great.  It's just that . . . well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath.  So . . .

MONICA: Oh.

CHANDLER: See what I mean . . . (They kiss.)

(There is a loud thud at the door.)

JOEY: Hey!  How come the door's locked?

MONICA: Just a second.

CHANDLER: (hushed) No, no, no, no, no.  Joey can't know that I'm here.

MONICA: Why not?

CHANDLER: Because I didn't know how to tell him that I couldn't go to the Knicks game.  So, I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.

MONICA: So, you lied to him?

CHANDLER: Achhh.  It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.  (pause)  Except with you.

JOEY: Hey!  Open the door.  What's going on?  (He knocks.)

(Monica goes to the door.  Chandler slides behind it as she opens it slightly.)

JOEY: What are you . ..  (He sees her in her negligee.)  Why are you dressed like that?

MONICA: Oh, because, um . . .  well, Chandler's going to be home in a couple of days.  So, I thought I would, you know, practice the art of seduction.

JOEY: Oh, I thought I heard a man's voice before.

MONICA: Oh I was just doing Chandler's side of the conversation.  You know, like, "Hi, How do I look?"  (As Chandler) "Really sexy.  Could I BE any more turned on?"

JOEY: Okay.  (pause.  He looks over her shoulder at the table with the wine.)  Whoa, whoa.  Why are there two glasses of wine out?

MONICA: Because. . .  one of them is for you.

(Monica turns to get the wine.  Chandler peeps through the peephole.  Joey, seeing something, peeps back.  Chandler ducks.  Monica returns with two glasses of wine.  She gives one to Joey.)

MONICA: Cheers.  (She clinks his glass and pulls back.)  Okay, buh-bye.  (She closes the door.)

CHANDLER: You know, it's funny.  I've been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself.  (He raises his hands in front of himself, sticks out his behind, and wiggles it.)  Hi ya.

MONICA: You might want to keep practicing.

CHANDLER: Yah.

(Chandler's cell phone rings.  He looks at it.)

CHANDLER: It's Joey.  (He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too.)  Hey Joe.

JOEY: Dude, come home!

CHANDLER: What? Why?

JOEY: COME . . .  HOME.

CHANDLER: Look I, I can't.  What's going on?

JOEY: I don't know how to tell you this but, uh . . . I think Monica's cheatin' on ya.  I told you shouldn't have married someone so much hotter than you.

(Chandler and Monica look at each other.  Chandler nods.)

JOEY: All right look.  (He walks to the hallway.)  If you can't come home and deal with this, then I'm gonna.

CHANDLER: NO!

JOEY: (outside the apartment door) I just heard him!

CHANDLER: (softly) Can you . . . hear him . . . now?

JOEY: (listens at the door.)  No.  (pause) All right, I'm going in.

CHANDLER: No! Wait!

JOEY: I heard him again!

CHANDLER: (writhes as if in agony) All right, look.  Just stay there.  I'm coming home.

JOEY: Okay.  Great.  I'll see you when you get here.  I'm gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out.

CHANDLER: Is that really necessary?

JOEY: Absolutely.  You'd do it for me.  Not that you ever have to because I know how to keep my women satisfied.

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.  Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle.  Ross stares off to the side.)

ROSS: Shouldn't the pizza be here by now?  I mean, they said thirty minutes or less.  Well, how long has it been?

MIKE: (looking at his watch) Eleven minutes.  (long pause)  And now twelve.  So, do you like the beer?

ROSS: I do.  I do.  Although, it's actually a lager.

MIKE: huh.  (pause)  What's the difference between beer and lager?

ROSS: I don't know.  We could look it up.

MIKE: (nods) Things are about to get wild.

[Scene: A bar.  Rachel and Phoebe are bringing their drinks from the bar to a sofa.]

PHOEBE: Oh God.  Remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross?

RACHEL: Oh God.  It seems like forever ago.

PHOEBE: I know.  (sighs)   So, what's going on with you and Ross?

RACHEL: Well, um . . . I don't know.  I mean, for a long time nothing.  But you know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a . . . ah . . . little thing.

PHOEBE: Oh my God!  I love things.  What happened?

RACHEL: Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked.  And, ah, then we had a little . . . um . . . eye-contact.

PHOEBE: Eye-contact?

RACHEL: Mm-hmm.

PHOEBE: I hope you were using protection.

WAITER: (with tray and two drinks)  Excuse me.  Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar.

RACHEL: Oh.  (to Phoebe) Should we send them something back?

PHOEBE: Oooh.  Let's do.  Let's send them mashed potatoes.

RACHEL: No!  Wait!  No, no.  Don't do that!  That's going to make them think they can come over here.

PHOEBE: So?  What if they do?

RACHEL: Well, we're not here to meet guys.  You have a boyfriend, I have a b. . . baby and a Ross.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen.  We're just having fun.  You know, not everything had to go as far as "eye-contact."

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.  Chandler is seated in the chair and Monica stands behind the sofa.]

MONICA: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.

CHANDLER: Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me, than for him to think that I'm cheating on him?  (Monica tips her head slightly as if asking "Did you hear yourself?")  I heard it.

MONICA: I don't want him to think that I'm having an affair.

CHANDLER: All right.  I've got a plan.  I'll go down the fire escape.

MONICA: Yes, because all good plans start with, "I'll go down the fire escape."

CHANDLER: Hear me out woman.  I'll go down the fire escape.  Then, I'll wait for a while.  Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa.  Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here.

MONICA: Aren't you afraid that Joey's going to figure all of this out?  (pause)  I heard it.

(Chandler runs to the window, opens it, starts out, but returns, casually walking back to his chair.)

CHANDLER: I'm just going to wait for a little while.

MONICA: Scary pigeon's back?

CHANDLER: It's huge.

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.  Three pizza crusts, two bottle caps and the plastic tripod are left in the otherwise empty pizza box.  Mike is making hollow popping noises with his mouth.  He begins to speak, but stops and pops his lips a few more times and takes a drink.  Ross smiles as if he has thought of something to say, but then he stops and sinks back in a slump on the sofa.]

[Scene: The bar.  Two men are chatting with Rachel and Phoebe.]

RACHEL: Oh my God.  I can't believe you live in that building.  My grandmother lives in that building.  Ida Green?  No sense of personal space?  Kind of smells like chicken?  Looks like a potato.

BILL: "Spuds" is your grandmother?

RACHEL: That's my bubby!

KEVIN: So, we're on our way to a couple of parties.  Um. . . maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun.

PHOEBE: Yeah. . . I'm sorry.  We weren't really looking for anything to happen with you guys.  I, I have a boyfriend.

KEVIN: All right. It's no big deal.

BILL: So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation?

RACHEL: Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend.  But um. . .

BILL: Then, can I have your number?

RACHEL: (pause) I'm sorry, no.

BILL: Okay. (They start to walk away.)

RACHEL: Oh sure.  (She pulls a business card from her purse and writes on it.)

PHOEBE: (Reading the card.) Oh my God, you're giving your real number.

BILL: Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight.

RACHEL: Great.

BILL: Bye

PHOEBE: Bye. (The guys leave.) Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking?

RACHEL: I don't know.  He was cute, and he liked me.  It was an impulse.

PHOEBE: What about Ross?  What about your moment?  Don't you want to talk to Ross about it?

RACHEL: No.  No, because I know exactly how the conversation's gonna go.  "Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before."

RACHEL: (lowers voice to imitate Ross) "Yeah."  (Clears throat.)  "Me too."

RACHEL: (as herself) "Well, but I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it."

RACHEL: (as Ross) "Yeah."  (Clears throat twice.) "Me neither." (Clears throat again.)

RACHEL: (as herself) "Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling?"

RACHEL: (as Ross) "Yeah.  That works for me." (Clears throat twice more.)

PHOEBE: Yeah, I see what you mean.  By the way, nice Ross imitation.

RACHEL: Oh, thanks.

PHOEBE: But, your Rachel wasn't whiny enough.

RACHEL: (whining) Wha. . . hey!

PHOEBE: (pointing) Better!

RACHEL: Well, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know?  I should just . . . move on with my life.

PHOEBE: Really?  You're moving on from Ross?

RACHEL: I don't know.  Do I have to decide right now?

PHOEBE: Well, you kind of just did.  That guy is going to call you tonight.  Ross is going to pick up the phone and that's a pretty clear message.

RACHEL: Oh God, Ross.  Ross is going to pick up the phone.  Oh, I have to get my number back.  (She turns to find Bill, but they have gone.)  Oh my God.  He's gone.

PHOEBE: (imitating Rachel) "Oh, I have to get my number back.  Oh my God.  He's gone."  (smiles) Dead on.

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.  Ross and Mike are sitting on the sofa.  Ross is fidgeting with the cuff of his sweater while Mike blows his cheeks out.  Ross blows a piece of fuzz from his finger.)

MIKE: (releases a whoosh of air) Ya know, I'm going to take off.

ROSS: So soon?

MIKE: Well, yeah.

ROSS: Okay.  Well, thanks, ah, thanks for the beer.

MIKE: Ah, you mean lager.

ROSS: Ah yeah.  Good times.

(Mike leaves.  Ross closes the door behind him.)

MIKE: (In the hall, relieved) Oh.

(Ross, inside the door, releases a sign of relief.  Back in the hall, Mike's cell phone rings.)

MIKE: Hello?

PHOEBE: (calling from the bar on her cell phone.) Hey, Mike, it's me.  Listen, is um, is Ross near you?

MIKE: Uh, no.  I just left.

PHOEBE: Well, you have to go back in.

MIKE: Wha . . .?  Go back?  To the "land where time stands still"?

PHOEBE: I'm so sorry honey, but, okay, Rachel gave this guy her number and, um, she doesn't want Ross to answer the phone.  So, you have to intercept all his calls.

MIKE: I can't do that!

PHOEBE: (to Rachel) He says he can't do that.

RACHEL: Oh give me , , ,  (Phoebe gives Rachel the phone.)  Hi, Mike?  Hi.  Listen.  I know this is a lot to ask, but you know what?  If you do this I . . . Phoebe will . . . do anything you want.  Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff.

PHOEBE: All right. (She takes the phone from Rachel.)  Hello?  Hi.  I'm sorry about her, but she wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff.

MIKE: All right.  I'll do it.  (Phoebe gives the thumbs-up sign to Rachel.)  But really, how much dirtier can it get?

PHOEBE: (knowingly chuckles) Oh, Mike.  Bye.

(Mike knocks on Ross's door.  Ross opens it.)

MIKE: Hey buddy.

ROSS: Uh, hi.

MIKE: Um, can I come back in?

ROSS: (putting his arm up with his hand on the door frame.)  Why?  (He starts to lower his arm.)

MIKE: (Entering the apartment) I, I was just thinking about how much more we have to talk about.

ROSS: (whining) But you left.

[Scene: The hallway and stairs outside Chandler and Monica's apartment.  Chandler enters from the stairs.  Joey is sitting with a baseball bat.]

JOEY: Wow!  That didn't take long.  I thought you said Tulsa was, like a three hour flight.

CHANDLER: (pause) Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.

(Joey thinks a moment. Then, he nods.  Joey follows Chandler into the apartment.)

MONICA: (gasp) Chandler!  You're home!

CHANDLER: That's right.  You're husband's home.  So, now the sex can stop.

(Joey gives him and odd look.  Monica gives a similar look.)

MONICA: What are you saying?

CHANDLER: Joey said that you're in here with another man.

MONICA: There's no man in here.  How dare you accuse me of that.  (She slaps Chandler.)

JOEY: All right.  All right.  Then, maybe you won't mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh?  (He checks the bathroom shaking the bat.  Then he proceeds to their bedroom.)  Bwa-ah-ah!

(Thudding sounds can be heard from the bedroom.)

CHANDLER: (To Monica) What is he doing?

MONICA: (smiling) I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.

JOEY: (emerging) Bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows.

CHANDLER: All right.  Well, I'll check the guest room.

JOEY: (sniffing the air and then Monica.)  Why do I smell men's cologne?

MONICA: (sniffing Joey) I think that's you.

JOEY: (sniffs his shirt.)  Oh yeah.  I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.

CHANDLER: There's nobody here Joe.

JOEY: I guess not.

MONICA: I can't believe you thought I was cheating.  (pointing at Joey) You own me an apology.

JOEY: Yeah, right Monica.  I'm so sorry.

MONICA: (suddenly starts issuing him out) Ah, it's an honest mistake.  It could happen to anyone.  All right, see ya.

JOEY: (spots the suitcase just inside the door where Chandler left it) Whoa, whoa.  Wait a minute.  Wait a minute.  If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?

CHANDLER: (thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet?

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.  Mike is reading from a book.]

MIKE: So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing.  Fascinating isn't it.

ROSS: Maybe you should look up "fascinating."

(Phone rings.)

MIKE: I'll get it.  (He lunges across Ross's lap on the sofa to reach the phone.  Ross stares at him with wide eyes.)  Hello?  Ross's place.  Mike speaking.  (pause.  Hands phone to Ross)  It's for you.

ROSS: (takes the phone, but speaks to Mike) I don't understand what just happened here.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment " continuing action.]

JOEY: What's going on?

CHANDLER: I'm sorry.  I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know . . .  I didn't think you'd understand.

JOEY: What? You think I'm too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be with his wife?  Huh?  Do you think I'm like, "Duh."  (He strikes himself in the head with the bat.  He stands dazed for a moment.)

MONICA: Joey?

JOEY: Yeah?  (His eyes bug out.)

MONICA: I don't know what to say.  We shouldn't have lied to you.

CHANDLER: Yeah.  I feel so bad.  Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

JOEY: (pause) Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldn't.  But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.

CHANDLER: I'm sorry.  That's the one thing I can't do.  I promised I'd be with Monica.

JOEY: All right.

MONICA: (taps chandler on the arm) You can go.

CHANDLER: What?

MONICA: You should go to the game.  It's okay.  I want you to.

CHANDLER: Really?  You're gonna be okay?

MONICA: Yeah, I'll be fine.  You know, maybe I'll stay here and practice the art of seduction.

CHANDLER: You're gonna put on sweats and clean, aren't you?

MONICA: It's gonna be so hot!  (She kisses him.)

CHANDLER: Okay, bye.

MONICA: Have fun.

JOEY: Thanks.  (Joey and Chandler exit to the hall.  Joey pulls out the tickets and hands one to Chandler.)  Here's your ticket.

CHANDLER: Hey, listen.  I'm never going to lie to you again, okay?  And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid.

JOEY: Thanks man.

(Chandler heads toward the stairs, but makes a turn back to his apartment while looking at the ticket.)

JOEY: Where are you going?

CHANDLER: Game's tomorrow night Joe.

(Chandler goes into the apartment, while Joey checks his ticket and is embarrassed by his stupid mistake.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.  Rachel and Phoebe enter.)

RACHEL: Hi.

(Everyone exchanges greetings.)

ROSS: Oh God.  (He hugs Rachel)

RACHEL: Oh . . .

MIKE: I'm so glad you're back.  (He hugs Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: Oh.

RACHEL: Wow.  So, what did you guys do?

ROSS: Oh, you know . . . we just drank some beer and Mike played with the boundaries of normal social conduct.

MIKE: It's true.  I did.

PHOEBE: (pause) Well, good bye.

(Okays, and good byes are exchanged all around.)

RACHEL: That was fun Pheebs.

PHOEBE: I know.  That was fun.  (She and Mike exit.)

RACHEL: See you guys.  (She closes the door.)

ROSS: Rachel, lock the door.  Lock the door,  seriously.

RACHEL: Oh shoot.  I forgot to pay Phoebe for the drinks.  (She exits to the hallway and closes the door behind her.)  Wait, wait.  Sorry.  Did he call?  Did that guy call?

MIKE: No.  Just his mom.

RACHEL: Oh, around 8:30?

MIKE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Then, again at 9:00?

MIKE: (nods) uh-huh.

RACHEL: Yeah.

(Inside the apartment the phone rings.  Ross answers it.)

ROSS: Hello.  (listens)  Ah, no, she's not here right now.  Can I take a message?  (grabs a pad and pen)  Bill from the bar?  (writes)  Okay, "Bill from the bar."  I'll make sure she gets your number.

(He hangs up the phone and tears the note off the pad.  Then, he stops and re-reads it.  Rachel enters.)

RACHEL: Aaah.  (She goes to tend Emma.)

ROSS: So, ah . . . So, how was it?   Uh, did you guys. . . Did you guys have a good time?

RACHEL: Oh, it was so much fun.  It felt so good to be out.

ROSS: (holds up the message) Uh, Rach.

RACHEL: (still looking at Emma) Yeah?

ROSS: (pauses, then crunches up the note and stuffs it in his pocket.)  Never mind.

[END]

[Tag Scene: Central Perk.  Phoebe and Mike are on the sofa.  Ross enters.]

ROSS: Hey you guys.  (He sits.)

MIKE: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hey.  I'll be right back.  I've got to go to the bathroom.  (She rises and exits.)

(Ross and Mike glance at each other then both suddenly turn to Phoebe who is gone.  They sheepishly exchange glances.)

MIKE: (finally) Stout.  That's a kind of beer.

(Ross smiles slightly.  Then he gives a single nod that lifts him to his feet.  He exits the coffee shop.

[END TAG]

Friends

The One With Christmas In Tulsa

Aired: 12/12/2002

Written by: Doty Abrams

Directed by: Kevin S. Bright

Transcribed by: Stephan Hoffmeister

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, everyone's there; Phoebe recites the last verse of a poem to Joey. This poem is known as "The Night Before Christmas" by Clement Clarke Moore, but it seems that it's rather "Account of a visit from St. Nicholas" by Henry Livingston.]

Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;

and away they all flew like the down of a thistle;

but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"

Joey: (impressed) Wow, that was great! You really wrote that?

Phoebe: (smiling) Uh-huh.

Chandler: (coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.

Monica: I can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas.

Ross: You're really not coming back?

Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.

Monica: It's so unfair, you don't even like your job!

Chandler: So, who does?

Phoebe: Oh, I like my job.

Joey: I *love* my job.

Rachel: Yeah, I can't *wait* to go back to work.

Ross: I can't get *enough* dinosaurs!

Chandler: I'm sorry, I won't be here.

Monica: It's just... It's hard enough not seeing you during the week, but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do, I understand.

Chandler: Thanks. (they kiss) I'll see you New Year's Day.

Monica: (shocked) You're not gonna be here New Year's Eve??

Chandler: Did I not mention that?

Monica: No!

Chandler: (thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:) AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)

*Opening Credits*

[Scene: Chandler's Office in Tulsa, in the conference room. Chandler's staff/co-workers are sitting round the table; Chandler is walking around, when he notices a piece of paper attached to the back of his chair.]

Chandler: All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call (he takes it off) for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me Chandler.

(Wendy enters the conference room, carrying a cardboard box.)

Wendy: Hey!

Others: Hey.

Chandler: Hey. Where've you been?

Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham. (She turns the cardboard box upside down over the conference table, a big piece of ham falls out.)

Chandler: (to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.

Claudia: My kid's in a play right now.

Chandler: Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.

Ken: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet".

Chandler: Well, that's like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks!

Wendy: *Now* it feels like Christmas.

Chandler: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.

Ken: You can come to my house!

Chandler: Haha, no thanks!

Wendy: That was a nice pep-talk.

Chandler: Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.

Wendy: So, if you were home right now, what would you be doing?

Chandler: Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty traditional...

[Flashback to 410 - TOW The Girl From Poughkeepsie]

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]

Phoebe: So here is a, a very special holiday song that I wrote for some very important people to me. (singing:)

"Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.

Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.

Said all you need is to write them a song.

Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along.

No, don't sing along.

Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah.

Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross.

And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!

And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"

Happy holidays, everybody!

[Flashback to 610 - TOW The Routine]

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.]

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.

Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I'm right here.

Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern you.

Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.

Chandler: What? That's terrible!

Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!

Chandler: Oh well, that, that makes it not terrible.

Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us, that wily... minx.

Rachel: Don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, and then we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK?

Chandler: No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents!

Phoebe: Oh no, we have to!

Chandler: No, you don't have to, and you can't because I, I live here too.

Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.

Chandler: Why?

Rachel: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?

Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.

Phoebe: Oh, that's it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea! Oh yeah.

Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?

Chandler: If I help, we can find 'em faster!

Rachel: That's right!

(Phoebe looks under the couch)

Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!

Rachel: Oh, it's a Macy's bag!

(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)

Rachel: Oh.

Phoebe: Ooh, who's it for?

Rachel: (Reading from a tag that's attached to the shoe) "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."

[Flashback to 209 - TOW Phoebe's Dad]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]

Joey: Rach, these are for you.

Rachel: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.

Joey: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.

Chandler: OK, Pheebs, your turn.

Phoebe: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?

Joey: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: You guuuyys.

Joey: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.

Ross: You got me a cola drink?

Chandler: And, a lemon lime.

Ross: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.

Chandler: And last but not least.

(Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.)

Joey: They're ribbed for *your* pleasure.

[Flashback to 710 - TOW The Holiday Armadillo]

[Scene: Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's, Ross is costumed as an Armadillo.]

Ross: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?

Ben: Cool!

Ross: Yeah!

Monica: Come on Ben.

(Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.)

Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...

Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)

Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)

Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?

Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?

Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?

Chandler: What?

Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence I'd never thought I'd say.

(They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices)

Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?

Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!

Ross: Thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave.

Chandler: Why?

Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking it.

Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

Ross: I'm sorry Chandler, but this, this is really important to me.

Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.

(Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.)

Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)

Chandler: Santa? Really?

Monica: Yeah, is that okay?

Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Then it's okaaay! (They kiss.)

[Scene: Back in the conference room in Tulsa.]

Chandler: You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your families. It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve.

(All others are looking up, surprised)

Chandler: Did I not tell *anyone* about New Year's Eve? -- Alright, look, go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go.

(All are leaving, wishing each other a Merry Christmas, peace on earth, etc. Only Wendy stays.)

Chandler: Good, God's speed, good people! (he starts to close the door, turns around and sees Wendy) You're not gonna go?

Wendy: Naah... I couldn't leave you alone.

Chandler: Ah. Thanks.

Wendy: Besides, I can't leave until their Christmas party downstairs clears out; there are some *pissed off* insurance people looking for that ham.

Chandler: Ah. (The phone rings; he answers it) Chandler Bing.

[Scene change back an forth: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica's on the other end of the line. The phone's speaker is turned on, so the rest of the gang, sitting around the phone, can hear Chandler.]

Monica: Hi Honey! We're all here; we just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Others: (simultaneously) Merry Christmas! (except for Phoebe...)

Phoebe: (simultaneous to the others) Ble-blah-blar Blargh!

(All the others look at her, stunned/incredulous)

Chandler: Ahh, Merry Christmas; I miss you guys!

Monica: So is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard?

Chandler: Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy.

Monica: Wendy? -- That sounds like a girl's name.

Chandler: It is. Did I... not tell you about her?

Monica: Umhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about New Year's Eve. Where is everybody else?

Chandler: I sent them home.

Monica: Ohh, you are such a good boss! Is she pretty?

Chandler: Uhh, uh...

Ross: (in a low voice) Answer faster, answer faster!

Chandler: I don't know!

Ross: (in the same low voice) Answer better, answer better!

Chandler: I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague.

Monica: What does she do there?

Chandler: Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me.

Monica: She did WHAT?

Chandler: BE-LOW me!

Joey: Ahh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?

Monica: *What*??

Chandler: Well, she... she didn't win...

Monica: Alright, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.

Chandler: Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of *all* the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably...

Rachel: (interrupting him) Oh Chandler, stop talking!

Chandler: Honey, there's really nothing to worry about.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: I'm serious!

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Merry Christmas.

Monica: Merry Christmas.

Chandler: Merry Christmas, you guys!

Others: (simultaneously) Yeah, Merry... Christmas. (again, Phoebe...)

Phoebe: (simultaneous to the others) Blah blargah, blar-blab.

(Again the others just look at her, silent, puzzled.)

[Scene: back in the conference room in Tulsa]

Chandler: (hanging up the phone) The wife says "Hi!".

Wendy: Ah. Fun conversation?

Chandler: Ah well, she's got this weird idea, that, uh, y'know, just because you and I are alone, that something is gonna happen.

Wendy: Huh? Really? -- Hm, that'd be so terrible? (She gets hold of Chandler's tie, slowly moving her hands upwards on the tie, getting closer and closer to him, seductive.)

Chandler: This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... you're getting ham on my only tie.

(She's getting closer to him, the scene fades to black.)

[Scene: The conference room in Tulsa again, Chandler is trying to evade Wendy]

Chandler: Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! (He takes a step back, but she still keeps her grip on his tie.)

Wendy: (laughs) ...Missy?

Chandler: I don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ... (She lets go of his tie) Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?

Wendy: You are to me... (She gets closer again, putting her arms around his torso.)

Chandler: (flattered) No,... no... (realizing) NO! (He quickly gets several steps away from her.) Look, I'm, I'm married!

Wendy: So? I'm married. (Showing him the ring on her finger.)

Chandler: I'm *happily* married.

Wendy: Oh. - What's *that* like?

Chandler: Right. So, I'm sorry...

Wendy: Seriously? Happily married. So that phone call before, that was ... happy?

Chandler: Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us.

Wendy: Okay, let me ask you something: if what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending Christmas with me?

(Chandler starts to think about it...)

[Flashback to 716 - TOW The Truth About London]

[Scene: London, Chandler's hotel room. He was getting ready for bed when Monica pays him a visit and they started talking]

Chandler: I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!

Monica: Really?

Chandler: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?

Monica: Well, not anymore.

Chandler: But we don't do that.

Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.

Chandler: How drunk are you?

Monica: Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.

Chandler: (thinks) That's the perfect amount!

Monica: Okay!

(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)

Monica: (breaking the kiss) Y'know what's weird?

Chandler: What?

Monica: This doesn't feel weird!

Chandler: I know.

Monica: You're a really good kisser.

Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?

Monica: Hm-hmm!

Chandler: Okay!

(They do so and they take off their clothes.)

Monica: Wow! You are really fast!

Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.

Monica: We're gonna see each other naked.

Chandler: Yep!

Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?

Chandler: Count of three?

Monica: One!

Chandler: Two!

Monica: Two!

Both: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)

Chandler: Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.

Monica: Eh, we weren't that close anyway!

Chandler: Eh! (They start making out again)

[Flashback to 503 - TOW The Triplets]

[Scene: A hallway in the hospital, Monica and Chandler are talking.]

Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?

Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not just goof around with him.

Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this.

Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.

Chandler: Really? Okay, so...

Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop.

Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?

Monica: Yeah. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around:) Don't do the dance.

Chandler: Right!

[Flashback to 524 - TOI Vegas, Part II]

[Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]

Monica: I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.

Monica: You're so efficient. I love you!

Chandler: Let's go! (Starts to leave.)

Monica: No-no-no, wait! We need something old!

Chandler: Oh, okay, I have condom in my wallet that I've had since I was twelve.

Monica: That'll work!

Chandler: I don't think so.

Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed!

Chandler: (looks around) Here just...take this. (Hands her the sweater.)

Monica: That's stealing!

Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.

(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)

Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)

Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)

[Flashback to 702 - TOW Rachel's Book]

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.]

Monica: Listen umm, I've been thinking, it's not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.

Chandler: Ehh.

Monica: Eh, you work for that.

Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.

Monica: You do?!

Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do.

Monica: Oh, you're so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?

Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.

Monica: You thought about that?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?

Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.

Monica: What else did you think about?

Chandler: Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.

Monica: (laughs) Y'know what? I-I don't want a big, fancy wedding.

Chandler: Sure you do.

Monica: No, I want everything that you just said. I want a marriage.

Chandler: You sure?

Monica: Uh-hmm.

Chandler: I love you so much.

Monica: I love you. (They kiss.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, everyone except Chandler is there; they're opening their presents]

Rachel: (opens her present from Ross; it's a dark-red scarf) Oohh, I love it!

Ross: Really? You're not gonna return it?

Rachel: Well, not this second!

Phoebe: (at the window) Hey look, you guys, it's snowing!

(The others all get up and go to the window.)

Rachel: Oh wow, it's so beautiful...

Ross: Wow, it really is!

(They all stand a moment in silence, staring out of the window.)

Monica: "Wendy" is a fat girl name.

Phoebe: Aren't we done with that?

Monica: Okay, fine. Let's talk about snow. -- Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband is having sex on a copying machine?

(Shortly after that, Chandler enters.)

Chandler: Hey!

(Surprised, uttering Ahhs and Ohhs, the others are coming over to him.)

Ross: Oh my god...

Joey: Hey-heeyyy - Look at that, it's a Christmas miracle!

Monica: What are you doing here?

Chandler: I wanted to be with you. I missed you so much.

Joey: Hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most?

Chandler: Monica.

Joey: Got ya. (blinks an eye)

Chandler: I never want to leave you again!

Monica: But I thought if you left, you get fired.

Chandler: Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit.

Monica: What?

Ross: What, you, you really quit your job?

Chandler: Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do?

Rachel: What do you really want to do?

Chandler: (realizing) I have *not* thought this through!

Monica: Oh my god!

Chandler: I know, I, I should have talked to you first about it.

Monica: No, I think that this is what you wanna do, I think it's great!

Chandler: Thanks!

Phoebe: Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined.

Chandler: (flattered) Ahh...

Phoebe: Now give me my real gift.

(Chandler hands Phoebe an envelope, and some more to Monica)

Phoebe: (to Chandler) Thank you.

Chandler: (to Monica) Here, pass these, will ya.. (points to the others)

(Monica passes the Envelopes on to Ross, Joey and Rachel.)

Ross: Oh, hey...

(They all open their envelopes.)

Ross: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet." -- How did you know?

Rachel: Wha... are you kidding? I can't return this.

Chandler: I... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys.

Joey: Mine's is to Lilian Myers.

Chandler: I don't have a *job*!

*Closing Credits*

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica is cleaning up, Chandler is sitting on the couch, checking the Job offers in a Newspaper.]

Chandler: Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... (he looks down on himself, checking, then nods satisfied and marks the offer with a pen) (to Monica:) Hey, d'you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I don't do anything - I'm a kept man!

Monica: You are! (she picks up a bill from the table, handing it to Chandler) Hey, here's twenty bucks. -- Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow?

(Chandler looks at the bill, thinking... then looks at the offer in the Newspaper and makes some dancing moves to see if he's up for the job...)

End

FRIENDS - THE ONE WHERE RACHEL GOES BACK TO WORK

Teleplay by: Peter Tibbals

Story by: Judd Rubin

Directed by: Gary Halvorson

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's]

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Good morning, Tiger! I'm making you a nice big breakfast so you can keep up your strength for tonight. You're gonna get me good and pregnant.

Chandler: I've got nowhere to go this morning. I'm unemployed! I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.

Monica: Well, I just lost my erection.

Chandler: I mean, what am I supposed to do with myself?

Monica: You're supposed to find your passion in life. You can be whatever you wanna be now. It's exciting.

Chandler: But it's all so overwhelming. I don't know where to start.

Monica: Hey, wait a second. I can help you with this. You just need to be organized. We can make a list of your qualifications, and categorize jobs by industry. There could be folders and files!

Chandler: Hey! This is where your hyper-organized-pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off!

Monica: I know!!! My erection is back!

[Opening credits]

[Scene: Central Perk]

Joey: (To Gunther who comes over with coffee and a muffin) Thank you!

Phoebe: Joey, can I have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin?

Joey: Okay.

Phoebe Thank you. (Pours his coffee in a thermos and puts his muffin in her purse.) Thank you!

Joey:: Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry Italian?

Phoebe: I'm sorry, it's just, I'm a little short on cash.

Joey: If you want I could loan you some money?

Phoebe: Oh no, no, no. I learned never to borrow money from friends. No, that's why Richard Dreyfuss and I don't speak anymore.

Joey: Oh, hey, how about this? Wanna be an extra on my show?

Phoebe: You could do that?

Joey: Yeah, yeah. The pay is pretty good and you could do it for as long as you need.

Phoebe: Oh my god, I'm gonna be on TV!

Joey: Okay, now. I gotta tell you, being on TV isn't as glamorous and exciting as you think.

Phoebe: Oh, really?

Joey: No it is awesome!

(Rachel and Ross enter with Emma)

Ross: Hi guys.

All: (Adlib hellos)

Phoebe: Wow! Hey, why are you all dressed up?

Ross: Rachel and I are bringing Emma to Ralph Lauren today to introduce her to everyone. Doesn't she look cute?

Joey: She sure does. Why does she have a pink bow taped to her head?

Rachel: Well, because if one more person says "what a cute little boy" I'm gonna whip them with a car antenna!

Ross: I think she's gonna be the hit of the office, huh? She's gonna be hotter than peasant blouses and A-line skirts. Can I get a blue bow?

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's]

Monica: (Flipping through bunch of folders as Chandler enters from bathroom) Okay, I have looked through a bunch of career guides, photocopied and highlighted key passages and put them into alphabetical folders so you can make an informed decision.

Chandler: How long was I in there?

Monica: Okay. Let us start with the A's. Advertising.

Chandler: Wait. Advertising! That's a great idea!

Monica: Don't you want to look through the rest?

Chandler: I don't think I have to hear the rest. Advertising makes perfect sense. Sorry you had to waste all this time, though.

Monica: You call eight hours alone with my label maker wasted time? Ooh, now I get to use my shredder!

Chandler: I mean, I can write slogans. I mean, how hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It's milk that you chew." "Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a water melon in your mouth?"

Monica: I got one. "Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best."

Chandler: Honey? Leave it to the pros.

Monica: I actually know someone in advertising. I grew up with this guy who is a vice president at a big agency. Maybe I can get him to meet you? Give me the phone.

Chandler: "The phone. Bringing you closer to people...who have phones."

Monica: "Marriage. It's not for everybody."

[Scene: Ralph Lauren]

Rachel: That went well. Almost everybody knew that she was a girl.

Ross: Yeah, after you punched that one guy who got it wrong, word spread.

Rachel: I'm just gonna go in my office and pick up some stuff . (To the guy behind her desk) Who the hell are you!?

Guy: Who the hell are you?

Rachel: I'm the hell person whose office this is!

Ross: Good one, Rach.

Guy: I'm Gavin Mitchell, the person who's taken over your job.

Rachel: Excuse me?

Gavin: Oh, your baby's so cute. Why did you put a pink bow on a boy?

[Scene: DOOL set]

Phoebe: Joey, look at me! I'm a nurse!

Joey: Yes you are. I think it may be time for my sponge bath. Sorry, I'm just so used to hitting on the extras. So, are you excited about your scene?

Phoebe: Yeah! But I'm a little shaky and nervous.

Joey: Oh, relax. Don't be. You'll be fine, you'll be fine. They'll probably just make you stand in the back.

Director: Okay, okay, okay! (To Phoebe) You. Here, come here, here. You're gonna take this tray, you're gonna stay on this yellow mark. You're gonna move on "action!" You're gonna walk over to the operating table. You're gonna stop on that blue mark, you're gonna put the tray down. Don't walk too fast! But don't doddle.

Phoebe: Okay, now. What?

Director: And...Action!!

(Phoebe starts walking toward the operating table. Her hands are shaking like crazy, causing the tray to rattle.)

Director: Cut! Cut!

Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous.

Director: Well, don't be.

Phoebe: Okay, that helps.

Director: And...Action!

(Phoebe starts walking towards the table again. She's even more shaky than before and almost drops the tray.)

Director: Cut!

Joey: Hey, you know what? Don't worry, Pheebs! It usually takes me three takes too! (Off the director's look) Alright, eight.

Director: And...Action!

(Ok, here we go again. Phoebe starts walking toward the operating table, but stops every time the tray starts to rattle. She eventually drops it on the floor, but finishes the scene anyway by putting the now non-existent tray on the table.)

[Scene: Central Perk]

Interviewer: So, do you have any other question about advertising?

Chandler: No, no. But let me show you what I can do. "Bagels and donuts. Round food for every mood."

Interviewer: Monica warned me you might do that. I actually think we might have something for you at the agency.

Chandler: Really? That's great!

Interviewer: It's an unpaid internship.

Chandler: It's funny. When you said "unpaid" it sounded like you said "unpaid."

Interviewer: Come on now. Monica has a good job. And it's not like you have a family to support.

Chandler: Actually, we're trying, and I don't think Monica's gonna wanna postpone it. We're supposed to have sex tonight. Actually, she's probably at home naked right now. I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me. I can just picture her on the bed right now.

Interviewer: Stop!

Interviewer: Okay.

[Scene: Ralph Lauren]

Rachel: Wait a minute! What do you mean, you're taking over my job?

Gavin: Well, while you were on your baby vacation I was doing your job.

Rachel: A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve something sucking on my nipples until they are raw.

Gavin: Clearly you've never been to Sandles Paradise Island.

Rachel: Alright! Don't get too comfortable there, because I'm back in two weeks! And I want everything back to the way it was. I can't say that I care too much for the way you've rearranged my office.

Gavin: I can't say I care too much for that smell you've brought in with you.

Rachel: Excuse me?

Ross: Rach we have a code brown situation.

Rachel: Can you please, please take care of it for me?

Ross: Alright, but you have to do one sometime.

Rachel: Let me just get this straight! So I go have a baby and they send some guy in to do my job?

Gavin: Well, there was talk of shutting down Ralph Lauren all together.

Rachel: That's right. You're very cheeky for a temp.

Gavin: I'm not a temp. I was transferred here from another department.

Rachel: Oh yeah, what department was that? The Jerk department?

Gavin: Oh, they didn't tell me about your quick wit.

Rachel: Did they mention that I'm rubber and you're glue?

Mr. Zelner: (Enters) Gavin, Ralph loved your ideas.

Rachel: Oh, hi Mr. Zelner.

Mr. Zelner: Rachel, I see you've met Gavin. I must say, when you left us we weren't sure what we were gonna do. But then, Gavin to the rescue. Super Gavin!

Rachel: That's great. So now, Super Gavin, when I come back where are you planning on flying off to?

Gavin: Well, that's up to Mr. Zelner. I'm sure he will make the right decision.

Rachel: (To herself) Oh, wow. Super ass-kissing power.

Mr. Zelner: Incidentally, when are you coming back?

Rachel: Today.

Gavin: You said two weeks.

Rachel: No, I said today! See, for a superhero, not so much with the listening.

[Scene: DOOL set]

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. So, what did he say?

Joey: Well, he can be a little rough around the edges, so I'm gonna replace a word he used a lot, with the word "puppy." Okay, so he said: "If your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together, I'm gonna fire her mother-puppy ass."

Phoebe: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm not an actor.

Joey: That's right, you're not. You're a nurse. You're Nurse With Tray.

Phoebe: Joey.

Joey: No, no. Nurse With Tray doesn't know Joey, she doesn't have time for friends. She gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor, because if she doesn't, people die!

Phoebe: Who dies?

Joey: (Points to man on operating table) Man With Eye Patch! You get in there and you do your job.

Phoebe: Yes, doctor.

Joey: Okay.

Director: Okay, let's try this one more time.

Phoebe: Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch, your tray is coming!

Director: And...Action!

Phoebe: (Does the scene) Yes, I did it!!! I nailed it!!! Yay! What's next?

Director: The rest of the scene.

Phoebe: Okay, from the top, people!

[Scene: Ralph Lauren]

Rachel: Listen. Sudden change of plans. My maternity leave just ended. They told me that if I didn't come back today, they were gonna fire me.

Ross: What? No, that's illegal. I'm gonna have the labor department down her so fast they won't even...

Rachel: Alright, alright. Calm down Norma Rae. They didn't actually say that. I'm just afraid if I don't come back right now this guy's gonna try to squeeze me out.

Ross: What about Emma? We don't have a nanny.

Rachel: I know. You know, we're just gonna have to figure out a plan tonight. Can you please just take care of her for today?

Ross: Absolutely. Just give me your breast and we'll be on our way.

Rachel: Come on, I don't know what else to do.

Ross: Fine, fine. (To Emma) We'll have fun, won't we? Yes, we will, yes we will. (Gives her a kiss, and the pink bow tapes itself to his head.)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: You're pretty.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's]

Chandler: Whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna be starting a career from scratch. It's gonna be a while before I make a living at it. Maybe now is not the right time to be starting a family.

Ross: So you have to tell Monica you don't want to have a baby right now?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: (Hugs Chandler) Good-bye.

Monica: (Enters) Okay, it's baby time. Pants off Bing. (Sees Ross) Didn't see you there Geller.

Chandler: Yeah, Ross is here so...

Ross: Yeah, and I was really hoping that I could hang out. What do you feel like doing?

Monica: We're gonna have sex.

Ross: I don't feel like having sex. Maybe we can watch a movie or something.

Monica: Let me put it this way. We're having sex whether you're here or not.

Ross: Pants off Bing!

[Scene: Ralph Lauren]

Rachel: Alright. Now that I'm back, why don't you just fill me in on what you've been up to?

Gavin: Well, I've changed your screensaver from that picture of *Nsync.

Rachel: Hey, they were popular when I left!

Gavin: Also, I've just been working on this big presentation for tomorrow.

Rachel: Well, I should be involved in that, so why don't you get me up to speed?

Gavin: That's gonna take weeks. Why don't just let me take care of the presentation?

Rachel: Oh, no no no no. I see what you're doing here, alright, listen, this is my job buddy. Okay, I've had it for five years, and I know how it works, so why don't you just catch me up!

Gavin: Fine.

Rachel: (Sits down in her chair) Oh god. You've totally messed with the back support of my chair. How do you fix this?

Gavin: Hey, you've been here five years, you figure it out.

Rachel: Fine, I will. (Pushes that button thing on the chair that makes it "collapse") Alright, fill me in!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's]

Ross: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: You have a blue tie that would go with this? Emma spit up on mine.

Chandler: Oh, yeah. But you have to give it back if I get a job. Of course, by that time in the future ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jump suits.

Monica: (Enters from the bedroom) Hi, good morning lover. I gotta say after last night, I'm a little weak in the knees.

Ross: Here's an idea. You walk into a room...take a quick scan!

Monica: (To Ross) Sorry. (To Chandler) But I kind of have this feeling that we may have made a baby last night.

Chandler: Oh god, I have to tell you something. You're not pregnant.

Monica: What are you talking about?

Chandler: That thing that I have to do to make a baby. I faked it.

Monica: What!? You faked it?

Ross: You know what? I don't need a tie. I mean, it's better, open collar. You know, it's more casual (He leaves.)

[Scene: DOOL set]

Phoebe: Joey, listen. I can't do this, it doesn't make any sense. Yesterday I was a nurse, and today I'm a waitress at a cafe?

Joey: Oh, sometimes we use the same extras for different parts. It's okay.

Phoebe: Well, it's not okay, because I gave a very memorable performance as the nurse. And now suddenly I'm the waitress? That's gonna confuse my fans.

Joey: Maybe you are a nurse, but you moonlight as a waitress.

Phoebe: Uhuh. Because I'm a single mother, supporting my two children.

Joey: Nice.

Phoebe: Wait a minute. Dr. Drake Ramoray and I work at the same hospital. Wouldn't I come over to say hi to him?

Joey: No, no. See, you and Drake are having a fight.

Phoebe: About what?

Joey: He slept with you and then never called you.

Phoebe: And I just wanted a new daddy for Davy and Becky.

Director: Okay, okay, from the top. And...Action!

Man: So, I'm surprised you agreed to have lunch with me.

Joey/Drake: I'm surprised to, but yet here I am.

(Phoebe walks by and slaps him.)

Director: Cut, cut! What are you doing!?

Phoebe: Yeah, well, I'm very angry at him, because he slept with me and never called me back.

Extra: Me too!

Another extra: Me too!

Joey: Oh, calm down! She means on the show! We need some new extras around here!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's]

Gavin: (Enters) Wow, you're here already.

Rachel: Yes. Emma and I came in a little early to do research on the presentation. I actually made a few changes, but I think I'm caught up on everything. So ask me anything!

Gavin: How do you fix the chair?

Rachel: Except that! (Mr. Zelner enters) Oh, hello, Mr. Zelner. We're all ready for our presentation this afternoon.

Mr. Zelner: Good, because it's in ten minutes.

Rachel: What? I can't do that! I have the baby, and Ross is not gonna pick her up for another hour.

Mr. Zelner: Well, then Gavin can give the presentation, okay, we have to do it now. Ralph needs to leave early today. He's going helicopter shopping.

Rachel: Well, there you go. You win, you win. You get to do the presentation, you'll knock 'em dead, no one will ever remember that I worked here, and then Ralph will buy his helicopter, and Super Gavin will just fly right along side of him!

Gavin: You can do the presentation.

Rachel: No, I can't, I have a baby.

Gavin: I'll watch her.

Rachel: Why would you do that?

Gavin: Because you've worked really hard, and it's your job, and you're a little crazy.

Rachel: That's really nice.

Gavin: I should tell you that crying women make me very uncomfortable.

Rachel: Then you're not gonna like what's coming. (Starts crying) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you, thank you.

Gavin: I'm really fine, don't worry, I'm great with children. (To Emma) Gavin Mitchell. Pleased to meet you.

[Scene: DOOL set]

Joey: Please don't fire my friend. Just let me talk to her.

Director: Okay, okay. But this is her last chance.

Joey: Thank you, thank you. How about I do something for you? Tomorrow, I'll bring you a hat, cover up the bald?

Joey: Hey, listen Pheebs. I was just talking to the director, and he was thinking, maybe this time you don't hit Drake, you just wait on the tables?

Phoebe: I can't do that. I'm an actor. I have a process.

Joey: You're a masseuse. You have a table with a hole in it.

Phoebe: Wait a minute, I see what's happening here. You're threatened.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Yeah, I'm so good in this scene that I'm stealing focus from you. Well, rise to the challenge Tribianni 'cause I just raised the bar. Come join me up here!

Joey: (To the director) Yeah, you can fire her, but I would call security, she won't go easy.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's]

Monica: You faked it? You couldn't have faked it!

Chandler: Oh yes you can. You just make the faces and the noises.

Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable. The one thing that's ours! Besides, why would you fake it when we're trying to have a baby?

Chandler: That's actually why. Look, I'm starting a whole new career now, and I'm not saying that I don't want to have a baby, I'm just saying maybe we could wait a little while.

Monica: Like a month?

Chandler: Or a year?

Monica: Really, you want to wait a year?

Chandler: It could be less than a year. I mean, you've heard my stuff. "Pants. Like shorts, but longer." (Pause) It'll probably be more than a year.

Monica: I really wanna have a baby.

Chandler: Yeah, me too. Look, I'll just get my old job back.

Monica: No, I want you to have a job that you love. Not statistical analysis and data reconfiguration.

Chandler: I quit and you learn what I do?

Monica: It's just, I think, there's never gonna be a right time to have a baby. I mean, now you're unemployed and in a little while you'll find a new job that'll keep you really busy. There's always gonna be a reason not to do this, but I think once the baby comes, forget about all those reasons.

Chandler: I guess. It's always gonna be scary when we have a baby.

Monica: It's gonna be really scary. I mean, god. When we have a baby, there's gonna be so much that we're not able to control. I mean, the apartment's gonna be a mess, I won't have time to clean it. What if the baby gets into the ribbon drawer? Messes up all the ribbons?! What if there's no room for a ribbon drawer, because the baby's stuff takes up all the space!? Where will all the ribbons go!?!

Chandler: Should we go make a baby right now before you change your mind?

Monica: Yes, please!

Chandler: Oh, and I promise, I will not fake it this time.

Monica: I wish I could say the same. I'm a little shook up!

[Closing credits]

[Scene: DOOL set]

Joey/Drake: I know you botched that operation on purpose. I can't prove it yet, but when I do, you'll be going to jail for murder. I don't care if you are my brother.

Man: I'm not your brother.

Phoebe/Waitress: What about my children Drake?! Huh!? (She starts running around on the set with a security guy chasing her) No!! No!! No! God!

912 - TOW Phoebe's Rats

Aired: 16/1/2003

Teleplay by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones

Directed by: Ben Weiss

Transcribed by: Roni Raab

[Scene: Coffee place, Joey is there, Chandler is entering]

Chandler: Hey

Joey: Hey. So where's Mon?

Chandler: Oh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight.

Joey: And you're not helping?

Chandler: I tried, but apparantly singing "I will survive" in a helium voice - not helping.

(Ross and Rachel enter with Emma in Rachel's hands)

Ross: Hey you guys!

Joey and Chandler: (start to sing) Hey! Happy birthday ...

Rachel: Shhh don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna want to hug me.

Ross: Uh, good news everyone, we finally found a nanny. This is Molly (points to Molly). Molly, Chandler, Joey.

Joey and Chandler: Hi.

Molly: Hi.

(Emma starts to cry)

Ross: Ooh, somebody's getting a little fussy.

Joey: You damn right I am, I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes.

Rachel: Ok, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside.

Molly: No, you stay, I'll do it (takes Emma from Rachel).

Rachel: OK, thank you.

Molly: Nice to meet you guys (to Chandler and Joey).

Joey: Yeah, you too.

(Molly leaves)

Rachel: Oh, wow, Molly is just great!

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Yes, Bravo on the hot nanny.

Rachel: What? You really think she's hot?

Chandler: Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now.

Rachel: And Joey?

Joey: How do you think she's doing?

Rachel: Am I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? Ross?

Ross: Eh, I mean, I mena she's not unattractive but hot? I ....

Rachel: Thank you! (goes to get coffee)

Chandler: Now that Rachel's gone?

Rachel: So hot I cried myself to sleep last night. (Joey and Chandler clap their hands)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Mike and Phoebe in Phoebe's place, Phoebe is doing a crossword puzzle]

Phoebe: Hey Mike, what's the capital of Peru?

Mike: Lima.

Phoebe: No. It starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". Helpfully with a "to" in the middle.

Mike: You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh god! Oh!

Phoebe: What?

Mike: OK, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard.

Phoebe: (relived) Oh, whew, no, that's Bob.

Mike: What, is he your pet rat?

Phoebe: Well not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.

Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.

Phoebe: What are those?

Mike: I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have to get rid of it!

Phoebe: OK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob.

Mike: Thank you.

Phoebe: So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth)

[Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel comes in and Gavin is there]

Rachel: Hello.

Gavin: Hello

Rachel: Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an appology.

Gavin: For what?

Rachel: Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious ...

Gavin: Is this your first appology?

Rachel: No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you.

(Heather walks in)

Heather: Good morning!

Rachel: Hello. (to Gavin) But you know what, hey, new day, new leaf, I am just really really happy ... (sees Gavin staring at Heather) I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait 'till it's finished.

Gavin: What?

Rachel: I was giving you an appology and you were totally checking her out!

Gavin: I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.

Rachel: Oh wow, you are really, you're really a creep.

Gavin: Why do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous?

Rachel: Oh yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass". (Gavin starts looking) Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your subordinate.

Gavin: I thought it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag.

Rachel: That is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had a deap meaningful relationship.

Gavin: Huh. What's Tag's last name?

Rachel: It was ... (can't remember) oh my god. He didn't have a last name. It was just "Tag". You know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses.

Gavin: But it was a deap meaningful relationship.

Rachel: Oh, you know what - my first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you are pompous ... Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name was Morgan! Huh!

Gavin: It was Jones.

Rachel: Yeah well what are you, his boyfriend?

[Scene: Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey]

Joey: Man, I wish I had a nanny like you.

Molly: You mean, when you were a baby.

Joey: Sure.

(Chandler is staring at Molly)

Monica: Would you stop staring at her?

Chandler: I wasn't staring. I was leering.

Monica: What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.

Ross: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.

Chandler: Looks like Joey is doing allright with her.

Monica: Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.

Molly: (to Ross) I'm gonna take her back to the appartment.

Ross: Ok, I'll be home right after work. Ok, by Emma-Wemma-Demma, I love you - wovyou dovyou ...

Molly: Bye

Monica: They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk - it's not so good.

Molly: I think it's sweet. (goes to leave)

Ross, Joey and Chandler: Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma.

Rachel: (to Joey) Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if you didn't go after her.

Joey: Why not?

Rachel: Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.

Joey: So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? (thinks about it) Yeah, sounds about right.

Ross: Come on, there are plenty of other women out thereok? Just - just forget about her, ok? Just, she's off limits.

Joey: Oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more!

Ross: What are you, a child?

Joey: Yes!

Ross: Joey, come on now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else.

Joey: Fine. (looks around, then focuses on Monica)

Monica: (to Chandler) Take me home! (they quickly leave)

[Scene: Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike are there]

Phoebe: Hey Mikey

Mike: Hey P

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Mike: Setting rat traps.

Phoebe: To kill Bob??

Mike: No, no, to test his neck strength.

Phoebe: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl.

Mike: Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps.

Phoebe: I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? (starts looking) Bob! Robert! (looks at cabinet under sink) Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh - Oh my god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom!

Mike: Better think of a new name for him.

Phoebe: I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl.

Mike: I don't know, I mean I'm not sure (they hear cracking voice from somewhere else in the kitchen, probably a rat caught in a trap) ...

Phoebe: Oh my god, we killed Bob!

Mike: Maybe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a mouse.

Phoebe: Suzie? (Runs over there to check)

[Scene: Mon and Chan's, Ross enters]

Ross: Whazzup??

Chandler: Seriously dude, 3 years ago.

Ross: Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens between him and Molly?

Chandler: You don't trust him?

Ross: Wh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the "hot nanny".

Chandler: Is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now.

Ross: You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do this for me?

Chandler: Allright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.

Ross: Well we gotta do something, ok? Nannies like her don't grow on trees. (pause)

Chandler: Picturing that tree?

Ross: I am, yes.

[Scene: Hallway, Joey get out of his appartment and Chandler jumps out of his]

Chandler: Where you going, Joe?

(Joey falls on floor and gets up)

Joey: For a walk.

Chandler: Oh. You mind if I join you?

Joey: Actually, that will be long. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.

Chandler: Your thoughts? Plural?

Joey: Allright, fine, I only have one thought! It's about the hot nanny, I gotta see her!

Chandler: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe.

Joey: Now YOU'RE telling me I can't see her?? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there?

Chandler: Yes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go.

Joey: Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of.

Chandler: Great novels?

Joey: Fine ... mediocre porn

[Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel and Gavin there, phone rings, Gavin picks it up]

Gavin: Gavin Mitchelle's office.

Rachel: Rachel Green's office!! Give me that phone! (takes the phone) Hello, this is Rachel Green, how can I help you? Uh huh ... ok then ... I'll pass you back to your son (gives phone to Gavin)

Gavin: Hey Mom! No, that's just my secretary. (Rachel is upset)

Rachel: Um, excuse me Gavin, I have a question I need to ask you.

Gavin: Mom, I'll call you later. Yeah. (hangs up) (to Rachel) Yes?

Rachel: If you like looking at butts so much why don't you just go look at a mirror?

Gavin: Thank god you finally said that, I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago. (Rachel throws away that paper) Man, I really bug you, don't I?

Rachel: Oh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting right now.

(door knock, Monica enters)

Monica: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: Ready for your birthday lunch?

Rachel: Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleage and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle.

Gavin: Pleased to meet you.

Monica: Pleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight?

Rachel: Oh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he already has plans, most likely with his mother.

Gavin: Well I don't mind, I'll cancel. I would never miss my secretary's birthday. (leaves)

Rachel: Why did you invite him?? I can't stand that guy!

Monica: You were just being so nice to him!

Rachel: I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake?

(A man walks by)

Rachel: Hey, Mr Philips, nice suit!

Monica: Right there! That was so fake!

Rachel: Shh!

[Scene: Rachel's birthday party]

Rachel: (to Monica) I still can't believe you invited Gavin. Allright, he is the last person I want to see.

Monica: Oh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good time.

Rachel: God, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show up, the guy hates me.

Monica: Does he?

Rachel: What?

Monica: Maybe he's bothering you so much because he likes you. It's like in first grade when Skippy Langwild always pushed me on the playground because he secretly had a crush on me?

Rachel: Oh, Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those buys had a bet to see if he can knock you over.

Molly: (with Emma in a basinet) She's out, I'm gonna take her home.

Rachel: Oh, ok, thank you. (Molly leaves) (to Monica) Do you see what all the guys see in her?

Monica: Wouldn't kick her out of bed. No more Vodka for me! (put her glass down)

(Joey comes over)

Joey: Hey Rach, so can I sing happy birthday to you now?

Rachel: Yeah, sure!

Joey: Oh ... (Starts to sing) Happy birth ... (sees Molly leaving) oh, see you later (runs after Molly)

Monica: Hey Rach, somebody got you shoes!

Rachel: Oh, give me! (opens the box happily, then gets freaked and throws away the box, she and Mon jump up the sofa)

Phoebe: Be careful, be careful! These are my rat babies!

Mike: Yeah. We have rat babies now.

Rachel: Ahhhh , you brought rats to my birthday party?

Monica: So this is what a stroke feels like.

Phoebe: I had to bring them! We killed their mother, they're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother.

Rachel: Are you comparing my daughter to a rat?

Phoebe: No! Seven rats! I think we should take them home, we need feed them.

Rachel: whhh wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats?

Phoebe: Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone can afford help. (she and Mike leave)

(Ross gets out of the bathroom, sees Chandler)

Ross: Where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them.

Chandler: (In a helium voice, holding a balloon) I'm sorry, I got a little occupied.

Ross: We have to stop them before something happens!

Chandler: (still helium voice) Right behind you, big guy! (they both head for the door)

[Scene: Ross's place, Molly and Joey are talking on the couch]

Joey: So you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting is a discipline. It takes a lot of hard work.

Molly: So where did you study?

Joey: Oh, I didn't go to college.

Molly: No, where did you study acting?

Joey: Molly ... people don't study acting ...

(Ross and Chandler walk in, Joey looks disappointed)

Ross: Molly, ah, do you mind giving us just a minute?

Molly: Sure, I'll go check on Emma.

Ross: Thanx.

(Molly gets up and walks away)

Joey: (upset) Will the stable boy never get the princess??

Ross: What do you think you're gonna do, have sex with her right here on my couch?

Joey: No ... the leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair. What makes you think that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off? Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actally like her, and might want something real? (pause) Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel, ok? I didn't think I could ever love again.

(pause)

Ross and Chandler: Come on! Joe!

Joey: Ok (admits)

(knock on door, Ross opens, it's a woman)

Woman: Hi, is Molly here?

Ross: Yeah, come on in. Molly?

Molly: (goes out of the room) Hey! Guys, this is Tabatha (they kiss on the lips in a romantic way). (to Ross) I'll see you tomorrow.

Ross: Ok ... (they leave the room, long pause) Well, uh, Joey, I guess we have no problem.

Joey: It's like my favorite fairy tale come true! (Chandler looks at him) The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian!

[Scene: Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike enter]

Phoebe: Ok, ok, you start preparing the formula and I start changing the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed.

Mike: Hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats?

Phoebe: Well, you know what, they're our responsibility now.

Mike: Ok, fine, these rats are our responsibility. What happens when they mate and there are hundreds of them?

Phoebe: Mate? They're all brothers and sisters.

Mike: Yeah - not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind of animals.

Phoebe: No. (opens the box) wh - get off your sister! Oh my god, what are we gonna do? We have 7 rats. So what if each of them has 7 rats? And then each of those have 7 rats? That's like ... (starts counting with her fingers) That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do?

Mike: Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.

Phoebe: Yeah, ok. I guess you're right. Allright, so we should just give them away. But to nice families, with children, and reduced fat wheat thins. They're Bob's favorites.

Mike: It's gonna be ok.

Phoebe: You must think I'm crazy.

Mike: No, I think you're sweet.

Phoebe: Good. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to ... let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from ... when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. (Mike is shocked) I haven't told you about that yet, have I?

[Scene: Rachel's party, Rachel is on the balcony, Monica goes there also]

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hi. Thanks for the party, honey. Should I help you clean up?

Monica: No way! You had your party, now I have mine! Is everything alright?

Rachel: Yeah, I just get a little bummed when my birthday's over.

Monica: Well, at least you have one thing to be happy about. That jerk Gavin from your office didn't show up (Gavin shows up at the balcony windows).

Rachel: Mmm hmm.

Gavin: Yeah, hey. (comes in to the balcony)

Monica: Oh, we weren't talking about you. No, no way to recover.

Rachel: No.

(Monica goes back inside)

Gavin: Nice party.

Rachel: Well, it was, and you would have seen it if you didn't showed up at (looks at his watch) ... 9:30?? God! Oh, this party was lame ...

Monica: (from inside) Again, you're welcome.

Gavin: Look, I'll just give you this and go.

Rachel: Oh, you bought me a present! Why?

Gavin: Well, let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents, and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Ok, I ... got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you earlier.

Rachel: Aww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card (opens the card). "From Gavin"

Gavin: I really mean it.

Rachel: (opens the present, it's a green scarf) Awww, awww, it's beautiful.

Gavin: You don't mind? (puts it around her neck) Well, what do you know, it fits!

Rachel: See, Gavin, you're capable of being a nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time?

Gavin: I'm not sure.

Rachel: Well Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me.

Gavin: I do have feelings for you.

Rachel: You do?

Gavin: Yes, I feel that you are a little annoying.

Rachel: See? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you ... (he kisses her) and you do that ... (they kiss again)

[cut to Ross from his appartment, holding baby toys and is shocked to see them kissing]

ENDING CREDITS

Chandler: (sings in a helium voice) First I was afraid, I was petrified (very happy)

Phoebe: (walks in) Hey

Chandler: (normal voice) Hi

Phoebe: Listen, I think I've left something here.

Chandler: Oh, well someone left this (shows a green jacket). This is yours?

Phoebe: (likes the jacket) No, but I like it. I think I left one of my rat babies.

Chandler: Oh, uh, well, I haven't seem it but if I do I'll let you know.

Monica: Ohmygod! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! (screams from another room)

Phoebe: (realizes) Ooh, maybe that's him!

913 - The One Where Monica Sings

Aired: 30/01/2003

Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer

Teleplay by: Steven Rosenhaus

Transcribed by: PHDB (phdb2000@hotmail.com) and Sebastiano (sebapop@libero.it)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's]

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Yeah! Yeah! OK! Sure! Look! Can we...can we talk about what happened here last night?

Chandler: Sure! Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you! Do you believe that who ever

did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do ...I mean come on!!

Ross: OK you...you really don't know what I am talking about?

Chandler: No!

Ross: OK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony.

Chandler: Our balcony? Seriously? That's so funny because I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony. And she said

"No, no. It's too cold, nobody will go out there." And I said "Maybe if we put some light out there they will"

Ross: Right that's why I came over to talk about. Hum...I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony,

even though there were NO LIGHTS !

Chandler: So are you gonna...talk to her?

Ross: Why...Why should I? I mean if she wants to move on, that's fine!

Chandler: You know when "That's fine" sounds true when someone yells it and spits!

Ross: No I'm serious. I mean she wants to date people? Fine! I don't care but...at least she could have told me. You know

I...I've been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on Emma but if she wants to go out there kissing guys she

barely knows, then so will I ! Very funny! Ross is gay! Ah! Ah!

Chandler: No no no. Good. So you're moving on? Do you have any idea where you're moving?

Ross: I don't know. I mean I have plenty of opportunity. Just just now there were some women at the coffee house smiled at me.

And then the other day on the subway a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand.

Chandler: Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life!

Ross: Well, and how about this? There is an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me during the inter-departmental

Potluck dinner.

Chandler: Why did I get married?!

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Central Perk]

Joey: Hey! Let me ask you guys something. I have a new headshot taken tomorrow right and the photographer said she thinks I

should have my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy?

Phoebe: Well it depends.

Joey: On...?

Phoebe: On how far along he's in the sex change process!

Monica: No I totally disagree. No I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that. Such you an actor. Not that you need to,

your eyebrows are...

Joey: Ok! Stop it you guys! Stop staring! You're freaking me out!

Phoebe: Your knuckles are kinda hairy too...

Joey: Oh man! I have to get those done too?!

Phoebe: Wow! Talking about high maintenance

Joey: Hey hey! You dye your hair!

Phoebe: I'm a woman!

Joey: Arghhh! Double standards!

Phoebe: Oh before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight?

Monica: Only if I don't have to get up and sing.

Phoebe: But everybody sings. It's so much fun! Last time this adorable old man got out there, forgot all of the words, flipped out

and everyone booed him off the stage. So funny.

Monica: It's just, I'm not good at singing.

Phoebe: Oh! What's the matter? Are you scared? You're afraid I'm a better singer? You're afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing?

Monica: No no, it's not working on me. Wow! I must be growing up!

Phoebe: OK fine! Please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.

Monica: So I don't have to sing and I can just sit there and pass judgments on others?

Phoebe: While drinking...

Monica: I'm there!

Rachel: Hi guys! Listen I really need your help. I think I did something really stupid.

Phoebe: Well yes Rachel but you got something so beautiful out there

Rachel: No not that. I kissed Gavin last night.

Phoebe: Oh my god.

Monica: You kissed him?

Rachel: Yeah. It was after the party, we were on the balcony and...

Monica: Wait wait wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I missed that?

Phoebe: It was the end of the party, you were probably ironing wrapping paper.

Monica: Oh yeah...So how did you end up kissing?

Rachel: You know we were all alone and he was being really nice to me and, oh and he gave me this scarf...

Monica: I thought you hated him?

Rachel: You know honey, there is a thin line between love and hate, and it turns out that line...is a scarf!

Monica: So are you thinking of starting up something with this guy?

Rachel: I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know, I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just...I don't

know what to do and I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten minutes.

Monica: Sounds like you need to think about what you want, talk to Gavin, and you definitely should talk to Ross

Rachel: Or...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all...

Phoebe: Wow! Five-month maternity leave, you're back for four days, kiss a co-worker, call in sick, they are lucky to have you!!

[Scene: Beauty salon]

Salon girl: Hi

Joey: Hey. I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.

Salon girl: Name?

Joey: Chandler Bing.

Salon girl: Ok. Very good. Have a seat right over here Mr. Bing and Sonia will be right with you.

Joey: OK Thanks.

(Joey touches the hot wax). I touched the stuff

Sonia: I'll take care of it

Joey: Thanks. Do you get a lot of guys in here?

Sonia: Oh absolutely.

Joey: Oh good...

Sonia: Are you looking to meet somebody?

Joey: All right let's just do this.

Sonia: We'll get to the wax in a minute. First I want to tweeze some of the strays, ok? This may sting just a little bit...

Joey: Please I have an extremely high threshold...Holly Mother Of God! My face! My face!! I'm all right! I'm all right!

Just a little bit of shock that's all but I'll be fine you can go again. I'm OK

(He tries to avoid the tweezers) Dammit! Woman!! How Hoooow!

[Scene: Central Perk]

Chandler: Hey it's the most eligible man in NY. How's the moving on going?

Ross: Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither female nor wearing pants.

Chandler: Well maybe you're going about this the wrong way. You know I mean think about it. Single white male, divorced three times,

two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself....

Ross: That's funny...Do you think you'll ever work again?

Chandler: What are doing? You know I can only dish it out!

Ross: I can't believe Rachel just moved on and didn't say anything to me

Chandler: Maybe she didn't move on, you know...maybe that kiss was just an impulsive one-time birthday thing

Ross: No no, about a month ago she gave her number to some guy in a bar.

Chandler: Did she go out with him?

Ross: No. When he called, I...I threw the message away.

Chandler: Ah! The high road...

Ross: You know what? Enough! Enough talking! I have to get moving! Hey check out those two blondes over there!

Hey come with me!

Chandler: Are you trying to get everybody divorced?

Ross: You don't have to do anything. It will just be easier if it is the two of us, like college, remember? You...you break the

ice with some kind of jokes so that they know you're the funny one and I swoop in with some interesting conversation, so

they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one...

Chandler: I thought I had to make the jokes!

Ross: Don't you have to be at work?

Chandler: Oh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, here's my friend Ross right here, and we were wondering you know if you're up for it.

We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop!! Swoop!!

Ross: Hum...So...hum...Oh hey I noticed you were reading the paper...another flood in Europe? Here’s a question: "Would you...

would you rather drown or be burnt alive?"

Blonde girl: Sorry...we were just leaving

Chandler: We still got it!

[Scene: Ross']

Rachel: Who is it?

Gavin: Gavin! I brought you some soup.

Rachel: Why?

Gavin: I heard you were sick...

Rachel: Oh! Right! Yeah! Hold on, I'll be just clean up in here a little bit! Hello Gavin

Gavin: I missed you at work today. How are you feeling?

Rachel: I a not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick

Gavin: Oh! Good! Because I was having a totally paranoid moment when I thought you called in sick to avoid me.

Rachel: Oh no no no

Gavin: So I had fun last night

Rachel: So did I

Gavin: Exactly how contagious is this thing you have? I mean is it a cold for standing on the balcony or did a monkey bite you?

Rachel: It's just a cold

Gavin: Do you have fever? Let me see. Hum...

Rachel: What? What's the matter?

Gavin: What's Ross doing to you on that picture?

Rachel: Oh he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny.

Gavin: Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle of anything

Rachel: Oh you're not. You're not gonna get in the middle of anything, don't worry about Ross really, really.

(She hears the noise of the key in the lock) Oh! Hide! That's Ross! Hide! Hide!

Gavin: Yeah! But you said not to worry about...

Rachel: I lied! And I'm not sick! Just stay behind the curtain!

Molly: Hi!

Rachel: Oh! Molly! You're not Ross.

Molly: No I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember?

Rachel: Right, right, yes!

Molly: Don't panic!

Rachel: What?

Molly: There is a man behind your curtain. I have a mace in my purse.

Rachel: No! That's OK! That's OK! That's OK! No no no no! This is my business associate Gavin. He's just being silly.

Gavin come out from behind that curtain!

Gavin: Hi! Gavin! Please to meet you. It was my idea to stand there.

Molly: Hello! I just go and get Emma.

Rachel: OK.

Gavin: So hum...Why did I have to hide?

Rachel: I thought it was Ross.

Gavin: So what if it was? I thought there was nothing going on between you two...

Rachel: There isn't. There is totally isn't.

Gavin: You hear a key in the hole and you jump like a young bronco coming out of a chute for the first time. I used to be a

rodeo clown.

Rachel: All right. Look. Gavin...I...I guess I felt guilty that you were here, which I shouldn't. You know Ross and I are not in

any relationship but...he is the father of my child, and you know we do live together and plus there is just so much

history...you know it's just...I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm just all over the place.

Gavin: It's OK. I know it's probably not my place but can I give you a piece of advice?

Rachel: Yes

Gavin: I think you should talk to Ross about all this.

Rachel: People keep saying that. Oh I'm sorry Gavin

Gavin: Don't be. It's just bad timing.

Rachel: So seriously...rodeo clown?

Gavin: One of the best, ma'am, one of the best...

[Scene: Mike's piano bar]

Phoebe: "No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world...!" Thank you!

(Mike kisses Phoebe)

Mike: Oh she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here. I got to get a break and when we come back we've got Kenneth

singing "I touch myself"...I'm not here to judge!

Phoebe: Hi hi...Oh you have got to sing.

Monica: No I told you I can't.

Phoebe: But you would have so much fun and you have a really nice voice.

Monica: What have you heard me sing?

Phoebe: All the time when you're cooking.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Yeah you're always singing "Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy"

Monica: Yeah I do rock that one.

Phoebe: OK so isn't there a little part of you that wants to get up there?

Monica: Just a little but...it's just so scary! I don't even know what I would sing...

Mike: Well I've got a book around...

Monica: "Delta Dawn"

[Scene: Central Perk]

Ross: Hi! I could help not notice, but that's an unusual necklace

Woman: You already hit on me an hour ago

Ross: Right, so that's a firm "no". I cannot believe this, I just keep striking out.

Chandler: I don't get it neither, I mean you're obviously desperate, you're asking women how they want to be killed

Ross: This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants and I'm gonna die alone.

Chandler: By drowning or...?!

Michelle: Why would he break up with me?

Her friend: I don't know sweetie.

Michelle: All I ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back. I mean, am I so unlovable?

Chandler: Well...

Ross: I know! (he stands)

[Scene: Piano bar]

Mike: All right, that was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of "I touch myself". Coming up next we've got Monica

singing "Delta Dawn".

Monica: Wait wait! I can't sing in front of all these people.

Phoebe: Just pretend they're not even here! It's OK Monica, when that spotlight hits you it so bright you won't see anyone

anyway.

Monica: Hi! I'm Monica and I'm gonna be singing "Delta Dawn"

"Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? ..."

Phoebe: Can you totally see through her shirt ?

Mike: Like an X-Ray. Bad day not to wear a bra.

Monica: "To take you to his mansion in the sky-y?"

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's]

Joey: Hey, I need your help.

Chandler: Wow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?

Joey: Look, I'll get new headshot taken, all right, so I want to get my eyebrows shaped

Chandler: I am sorry, moment to make fun of that, please!

Joey: You may be a sissy but I'll still (pound you out on ground). All right, it hurts so bad, I could only let her do one

eyebrow and now... they don’t match!

Chandler: It’s like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama!

Joey: All right, look, you got to help me out, ok? Look, I have the magic marker, I want you to fill in the skinny one so

I don’t look stupid for my pictures.

Chandler: Ok. First of all, this is green!

Joey: What the hell am I supposed to do!

Chandler: All right, I will help you out but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you.

Joey: What, what.

Chandler: Ok, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage, well I earned mine

by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his “business” partners.

Joey: Oh my God!

Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess you don’t need my help Victor Victoria!

Joey: Ok all right, no, no, no, no, I do, I do, I do, I need your help, but Chandler I don’t know if I can take anymore

plucking. It hurts so bad!

Chandler: Oh, not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe Vera and my gentle self-loathing touch.

[Scene: Piano Bar]

Monica: "Take me to the mansion in the sky-y". I am sorry, the song is over. Did you see me out there?

Phoebe: Every little bit of you!

Monica: I can’t believe I did this. I can’t believe I'm singing for the people, and they liked me! Hey, did you hear that

one shouting “look at those tips”! I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips?

Mike: Sure.

Phoebe: Mon', not that you didn’t sound good, but...

Monica: Good? Didn’t you hear them...I was great! Thank you so much for making me do this. That’s is the best gift ever.

Mike: Also a good gift? Underwear.

[Scene: Ross']

Michelle: Thank you so much for letting me do this. Public bathrooms freak me out, I can't even pee, let alone do

anything else.

Ross: But, what’s great is that you don’t mind talking about it.

Michelle: It’s so amazing I met you the same day that Eric broke up with me, because it’s like you lose a boyfriend,

you get a boyfriend.

Ross: Uh-ah!

Michelle: No don’t worry, this is not some rebound thing. I am totally over Eric.

Ross: (pfew). Good choice Ross.

Rachel: Oh, hey! Hi, there you are, I’ve been looking for you everywhere!

Ross: Oh, yeah, hello, well, now, here I am.

Rachel: Listen, my mum is not bringing the baby back until nine o’ clock. So I was hoping you and I could have a

chance to kind of talk… somebody here?

Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah that’s Michelle.

Rachel: Who?

Ross: Oh, just this woman I’ve been seeing.

Rachel: You’ve being seeing someone?

Ross: Yeah, didn’t I mention that? Yeah, I mean, we haven’t being going out for too long, but rather there is this

amazing connection between us. I-I mean, in fact just before you came in she called me her boyfriend. I thought it was

a little too soon, but it was also, you know, it was kinda nice.

Michelle: What are you taking amoxicillin for?

Ross: How great is this? You are already comfortable enough to look through my stuff. Oh, I am sorry Michelle, that’s

my roommate, Rachel.

Rachel: Hi, and I am also Emma’s mother.

Michelle: Ah, who is Emma?

Ross: I told you about my daughter.

Michelle: This is your daughter? I can be your new mummy!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's]

Chandler: And done!

Joey: Oh my God! I didn’t feel a thing ! Hey, are you still looking for a job because you can tweeze circles around

that sadistic bitch at the saloon

Chandler: Thanks. You wanna see what it looks like?

Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match! They look great! They look great! How you doing!

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little worried I was uncovering a birthmark right about

there, but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.

Joey: Thank you so much.

Chandler: No problem.

Joey: Listen that’s a pretty girly hour we just spent, we should add some manly make up for it.

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Comb my eyelashes.

[Scene: Piano Bar]

Monica: Ok, for my next song I think I’ll sing something a little more upbeat. All right? Oh, how about the Pointer

Sisters “I am so excited”. And make it bouncy!

Phoebe: Oh you’ll probably take care of that on your hands.

Chandler: I am sorry I am late. You’ll understand when you’ll see Joey.

Monica: Honey, you’re just in time, I’m about to sing another song!

Chandler: Really? In front of all this people?

Monica: And they love me!

Chandler: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yes, she gives the people what they want.

Monica: All right, watch!

Monica: "Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen, tonight we'll put all other things aside. Give in this

time and show me some affection..."

Chandler: Are those my wife’s nipples?

Phoebe: Oh? Isn’t that funny? I didn't see that before, I wouldn't have let her go up again.

Chandler: I gotta stop this.

Monica: Oh, who cares, they still love me! "I am so excited..."

Chandler: You, touching yourself, out!

[Scene: Ross’]

Rachel: Wow. She does that a lot!

Michelle: Ross, you didn’t tell me you were a doctor!

Rachel: What, what, wait a minute! You haven’t even told her you were a doctor, yet? How long have you known her, like

an hour?

Michelle: Actually about an hour and a half.

Ross: I told you it wasn’t long, but there is an amazing connection between us.

Michelle: You feel that too? Oh, I thought that was just me!

Ross: Are you kidding?

Michelle: Hey, do you want to go away this weekend?

Ross: We’ll see.

Rachel: Ok, Ross, what’s going on here, are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now?

Ross: I don’t know, are we just kissing guys on balconies?

Rachel: How do you know about that?

Ross: Through the magic of sight! I was here, putting our child to sleep...

Michelle: Emma.

Ross: When I happened to look through the window and I see you kissing a guy you know, for what? A week?

Rachel: Oh, that’s what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to get back at me?

Michelle: No, actually, see I had to pee, ‘cause I can’t use public bathrooms because the doodie parasites.

Ross: Ok, Michelle, it’s time to go.

Michelle: Well, call me!

Ross: Ok.

Michelle: No, wait, you don’t have my phone number!

Ross: You know, if it’s meant to be, I’ll guess it. Bye, bye.

Rachel: Score.

Ross: Oh, I am sorry, did you not like her, because I was hoping that we could come to one of your kissing parties on

the balcony.

Rachel: Oh God, I can’t believe you’re making such a big deal about this. It was one kiss, one guy, one time!

Ross: Oh, really!

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Oh, really!

Rachel: Oh yeah.

Ross: What about the guy from the bar?

Rachel: What? Who?

Ross: The guy you gave your number to.

Rachel: Whoa, how do you know about that?

Ross: Because he called here looking for you. So don’t tell me this...this kissing this guy from work is a one time thing,

ok? You’ve been out there in bars and on balconies for over a month now. And you didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me.

Rachel: Why didn’t I get that message?

Ross: What?

Rachel: From the guy in the bar, why didn’t I get that message?

Ross: Because I folded it up and put in my pants pocket. Do you...do you not look there?

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: I never gave it to you.

Rachel: Why?

Ross: I don’t know.

Rachel: Oh God. You know what? Who you think you are? Who are you to decide what messages I should or should not get?

Ross: Who am I?

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: I am the guy who’s taking care of our baby while you’re out at bars meeting guys!

Rachel: Oh my God, I cannot believe this. You know I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you

About us! But I can’t do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment!

Ross: None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me! That’s not the point. Ok? The point is you...you are the one

Who moved on and didn’t tell anyone!

Rachel: Oh, Ross, this is just so messed up! What’s wrong with us? You know when people hear about our situation they

Always ask, “what, you live together but you’re not a couple? And you have a baby, isn’t that weird?» And I say “No.

You know what, it’s not, because it works for us!» But you know this doesn’t work. In fact this is the opposite of working!

Ross: Uh, clearly.

Rachel: And you know, we said that we would, we would live together as long as this makes sense. An maybe this, you know,

Just doesn’t make sense anymore.

Ross: Yeah, maybe not. So what you wanna do?

[Scene: Joey's]

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hi. Can Emma and I live here for a while?

Joey: Ha, oh, of course.

Rachel: Thank you.

Joey: Your eyebrows look weird.

[Ending Credits]

Chandler: “Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Was a good friend of mine, never understood a single word he said, but I helped him

drink his wine.” So you just touch yourself for anything?

END

914 The One With the Blind Dates

Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer

Transcribed by Marita Bakken

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is in the kitchen as Joey enters from his bedroom.]

Joey: Morning, roomie!

Rachel: Hey! You remembered to put clothes on this morning.

Joey: Fifth day's a charm.

Rachel: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma.

Joey: Hey, it's great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night?

(Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey, you're not naked! So hey, Rach, when will we expect to see you tonight?

Rachel: Well, I'll probably be back to pick her up around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to go. But she did actually fall back to sleep, so...

Joey: She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.

Rachel: Bye!

(She leaves.)

Ross: Bye! Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it too hard on you.

Joey: No, hey, it's been great.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, okay? And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump...

Ross: Yeah, that'll do it.

Joey: Wow! So, how are you?

Ross: I'm, I'm okay.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Sure, I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like it's a divorce.

Joey: Well, actually it...

Ross: No, it's not a divorce, it is not a divorce! Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to, you know, get on with our lives, maybe, maybe start seeing other people.

Joey: Wow, really?

Ross: Yeah, sure, why not? In fact, if you know anyone that would be good for me...

Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls.

Ross: Yeah? Any names come to mind?

Joey: Ooh, names?

Opening credits.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something?

Phoebe: What you got?

Joey (checks the refrigerator): Okay, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't tried that yet.

Phoebe: Goodie! Thanks. So, how is it living with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great food.

Joey: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird what's happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody.

Phoebe: Oh my god, Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her too.

Joey: Why are they doing this?

Phoebe: I don't know. They're so perfect for each other; it's crazy.

Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here?

Phoebe: I just wish they'd realise they should be together.

Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed.

Phoebe: I know. They should be a family. They should get married and have more children.

Joey: Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry on the family name.

Phoebe: You know what? Maybe once they start dating, and they see what's out there, they'll realise how good they are for each other.

Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's still in the bedroom.

Phoebe: So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people?

Joey: I know; that just pushes them further and further apart.

Phoebe: Yeah. (BEAT) Oh, I know what we can do. We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates, so that they'll realise how good they are together.

Joey: Ooh, that's a great plan!

Phoebe: Yeah, you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my "plan-laugh." (A maniacal laugh follows.)

(They both start laughing really loudly.)

Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake up, uh...

(He looks at his bedroom door, but he can't remember the name of the girl.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're in the kitchen as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you?

Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.

Rachel: I was just asking 'cause I need someone to watch Emma tonight.

Monica: Sure, we'll do that. What are you up to?

Rachel: Well, Phoebe set me up on a date.

Monica: Oh my god.

Chandler: Wow.

Rachel: Why? What's the big deal?

Monica: Just figured, 'cause you and Ross are...

Rachel: What, slept together a year and a half ago? Yeah, I'm all set.

Chandler: Well, I think it's great that you're going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds healthy. I mean, you have needs. Embrace your womanhood!

Monica: You want a job? Turn off "Oprah," and send out a resume!

Rachel: So I'll bring her by around seven? Is that okay?

Monica: Oh, it's perfect.

Rachel: Oh, you guys are gonna have so much fun! She's at such a cute age. Oh, a couple things. Now that she's eating solid food, she poops around the clock. And watch out for your hair, 'cause she likes to grab it. And oh, she's also in this phase where if you leave the room, she screams bloody murder, but ah... Thanks, you guys. Have fun!

Chandler (reading the newspaper): Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is drinking coffee by the counter as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Ooh, Joey.

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. I'm so excited; I just set up Rachel with the worst guy tonight.

Joey: All right! Who is he?

Phoebe: Well, it's this guy I used to massage. And by massage, I mean hold down so he wouldn't turn over and flash me.

Joey (gives a thumbs up sign): Okay, okay. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah.

(They sit down on the couch.)

Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher!

Phoebe: A teacher?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, she's really into history and foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles. Huh? Come on, who loves puzzles?

Phoebe: Well, Ross does. What... You're - you're ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him up with his perfect woman!

Joey: Oh my god, you're right!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: She even reads for pleasure!

Phoebe: How do you even know a woman like that?

Joey: What? I'm not allowed to know smart women?

Phoebe: Joey.

Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.

Phoebe: So now what do we do?

Joey: Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else.

Phoebe: What if we don't find him somebody else? We'll just tell her the date's off, but we don't tell Ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets stood up!

Joey: Ooh...I hear that's bad.

Phoebe: Ooh, so this is great! Rachel's gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realise how good they have it together.

Joey: Ah, yes, The Plan! (Laughs loudly again, but he sounds more like Santa Claus.)

Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's... (Laughs the real "plan-laugh.")

(They both start laughing again.)

Joey: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.

Phoebe: No, I think we killed it.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Emma is there in her playpen, while Chandler is behind the couch.]

Chandler: Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I think I'll go downstairs for a while.

(He does the ancient trick of going downstairs while behind the couch. As soon as he's out of sight, Emma starts crying.)

Chandler: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have!

(Monica enters from their bedroom with a calendar.)

Monica: Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so don't touch yourself in the next 48 hours.

Chandler: I don't do that.

(Monica looks at him.)

Chandler: I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say until the sixth?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: Today is the sixth.

Monica: No, it's not.

(Points at the calendar.)

Chandler: Yes, it's also 2003.

Monica: Oh my god. Today's the sixth?! I may be done ovulating! I may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant.

Chandler: It's okay. Go take the test and see if we're okay.

Monica: Okay.

(She runs to the bathroom, while Chandler starts acting like a chicken in front of Emma. Emma is silent, however.)

Chandler: Tough crib.

Monica: Hey, where are all my ovulation-sticks? There's only one here.

Chandler: I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: I am not working. There's not much to do around here!

[Scene: Delmonico's restaurant. Ross is waiting for his blind date to show up. A waiter walks past him.]

Ross: Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle?

Waiter: Uh, there's a drunk Chinese guy.

Ross: Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.

Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine?

Ross: Nah, I don't know if I should. I don't wanna be drunk when I go home alone.

Waiter: Got stood up, huh?

Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. It's just a blind date.

Waiter: Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left?

Ross: No!

(The waiter leaves.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica emerges from the bathroom.]

Monica: We're okay. I'm still ovulating.

Chandler: Oh, good, because as of four o'clock this afternoon, I am not.

Monica: So, let's do this.

Chandler: I - I don't think I can.

Monica: Come on. I know you're not eighteen anymore, but give it a minute.

Chandler: Because of Emma.

Monica: Oh my god, Emma. Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were here. Oh, you're right, we can't do this. We can't leave her alone.

Chandler: Sorry.

Monica: Unless... Maybe we do it here. I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age?

Chandler: Well, she's aware when we leave the room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in it.

Monica: Canoodling?

Chandler: Well, I can't say "hump" or "screw" in front of the B-A-B-Y.

Monica: I don't know. I mean, I guess having sex in front of a baby isn't so...

Chandler: Horrifying? Scarring? Something people go to jail for?

Monica: I guess you're right.

Chandler: You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window.

Monica: But what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer?

[Scene: Another restaurant. Rachel is studying the menu together with her date, Steve. Steve is the stoned restaurateur from 115 TOW the Stoned Guy.]

Rachel: Wow, everything looks so good! I think I'm gonna have the chicken.

Steve (staring at Rachel): I - I just have to say this; you're really beautiful.

Rachel: Oh, well, that's - that's very sweet. Thank you.

Steve: I'm kind of funny looking.

Rachel: What?

Steve: Oh, come on, you're way out of my league. Everybody in here knows it. Bet that guy over there's probably saying, "ooh, why she out with him? He must be rich!" Well, I'm not!

Rachel (feeling awkward): So, what do think you wanna order? I'm really excited about that chicken.

Steve: I'm not funny either. So, if you were thinking, "well, he's not that good-looking, but maybe we'll have some laughs"... That ain't gonna happen.

Rachel: Well, come on, Steve; let's not rule out nervous laughter. Hey, now wait a minute. Phoebe told me that - that you owned your own restaurant. That's impressive.

Steve: I lost it. To drugs.

(Steve makes a face as if his mouth is too dry.)

Steve: I silk-screen t-shirts now.

Rachel: Really? What's that like?

Steve: It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money. That's right. I have no money, I'm not funny, I live in a studio apartment with two other guys, and I'm pretty sure I'm infertile.

Rachel (awkward chuckle): Now, come on, come on, Steve. There must be something that you like about yourself.

Steve: I do like my hair.

Rachel: Really?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are there. Phoebe's cell phone rings.]

Phoebe: Hello?

(Rachel is still at the restaurant, but Steve is gone.)

Rachel: Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt you down and kill you!

Phoebe: Hey, Rach!

Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep?

Phoebe: You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends.

Rachel: I don't care! This guy is a nightmare!

Phoebe: Oh, right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned.

Rachel: He's not stoned.

Phoebe: Did he go out for a cigarette?

Rachel: Yeah, four times.

Phoebe: My dear, sweet Rach.

(Rachel hangs up in disgust.)

Phoebe (to Joey): Well, our plan is working. Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.

Joey: Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be back together.

Phoebe: By the time anyone's figured out what we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico. (BEAT) Oh, wait, that's the end of a different plan.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Emma has fallen asleep in her playpen, and Chandler has fallen asleep right next to her on the floor. He's even sucking on a pacifier.]

Monica: She's asleep. Chandler?

(Chandler wakes up and looks a bit confused when he finds that he has a pacifier in his mouth.)

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: Emma was doing it!

Monica: She's asleep.

Chandler: Ooh, she's asleep, that means we can...

Monica: Yes, but we have to be fast.

Chandler (laughs): Okay, I'll try. And you can't make any noise.

Monica (laughs): Okay, I'll try.

(They run to the bedroom and close the door carefully just as Joey enters.)

Joey: Hello?

(Emma starts making noises, and Joey walks over to her playpen.)

Joey: Emma? Hey! Hi!

(He picks her up.)

Joey: How are ya? How are ya? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door closed?

(He walks over, but just before he knocks on the door, he hears some moans and looks shocked.)

Joey: You can't have S-E-X, when you're taking care of the B-A-B-I-E!

(He walks out quickly with Emma in his arms.)

[Scene: Delmonico's. Ross is still waiting for his date and drinking wine. The waiter comes up to him again.]

Waiter: I've got bad news. The Chinese guy left.

Ross: Eh, if it was meant to be, it's meant to be.

Waiter: Look; you got stood up, who cares? We're gonna show you a good time. Just sit and relax. In fact, let me bring you a crab cake appetizer on the house.

Ross: Wow, free crab cakes. Well, that's nice. Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.

Waiter: Ooh...

(Ross sees the waiter looking at him.)

Ross: Just the crab cakes.

(Meanwhile, another waiter has come up to the first waiter.)

Waiter #2: What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? Because you can't do that.

Waiter: Just get out of here, okay?

Ross: What's - what's going on?

Waiter: Eh, okay, the waiters have a little pool going. We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home.

Ross: What? You - you're making money off my misery?

Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.

Ross: This is unbelievable. I - I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're done and come out of their bedroom. Emma is still gone.]

Monica: Well, that was weird. You were loud, and I was fast.

Chandler: I think we may have really done it this time.

Monica: Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait to take a pregnancy test.

Chandler: You may wanna get some more of those too.

(They walk over to the playpen.)

Chandler: Where's Emma?

Monica: Oh my god, where's Emma? Where's Emma?

Chandler: Don't ask me, I was in there canoodling you!

Monica: Okay, okay, I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell.

Chandler: Okay. (Runs out.)

Monica: Hey, you better hope that we're pregnant, because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel.

[Scene: The street in front of Central Perk. Rachel and Steve are walking home from their date. Steve is sobbing.]

Steve (sobbing): I - I can't believe Im crying in front of you. You must think I'm so pathetic.

Rachel: No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry.

Steve: Really?

(He puts his hand on her shoulder.)

Rachel: Don't touch my coat!

(Her cell phone rings.)

Rachel: Oh, sorry, it's my phone. Hello?

Monica (on phone): Hey, Rach, how's it going?

Rachel: Oh my god, this is the worst date ever!

(Steve starts crying loudly.)

Rachel (to Steve): Look, you know what, I'm sorry, but did you really think that this was going well? (To Monica.) What's up?

Monica: Hey, did you stop by here?

Rachel: No.

Monica: Oh my god, then...

(Joey and Chandler enter with Emma.)

Monica: Oh, thank god! Emma, there you are!

Rachel: What? What do you mean, "there you are"? Where was she?

Monica: Oh, we were playing "peek-a-boo." She just  she loves it when I'm dramatic.

(Monica hangs up, and Rachel looks at her phone.)

Monica (to Joey): Why the hell did you take her?

Joey: Because you two were having sex!

Monica: No, we weren't!

Joey: Don't you lie to me! I could tell by Chandler's hair. (To Chandler.) You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?

Chandler: All right, all right, we were. We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.

Joey: Hey! It is unacceptable that you two would have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.

(Joey starts to leave.)

Chandler: No, no, no.

Monica: No, please don't. Please, Joey. She will kill us!

Joey: Hey, I gotta! Unless...

Monica: Unless what?

Joey: Unless you name your firstborn child Joey.

Chandler: What? Why?

Joey: Hey, I may never have kids, and somebody's gotta carry on my family name.

Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.

Joey: (BEAT) (Laughs.) You almost had me.

(He leaves.)

[Scene: The street in front of Central Perk. Steve and Rachel are still there.]

Rachel: Well, uh...

Steve: Look, I think I know the answer to this question, but... Would you like to make love to me?

Rachel: Really, really not.

Steve: Eh, it's just as well. Doesn't work anyway.

Rachel: All right, well that's good to know. Good night, Steve.

(She walks over to Central Perk and enters to find Ross sitting on the couch, eating crab cakes. She takes off her coat while groaning and shuddering.)

Ross: Hey, what's wrong?

Rachel: I just had a rough night.

Ross: Oh. Crab cake?

Rachel: Eww!

Ross: Well, what happened?

Rachel: Oh, well, I...It's kind of weird talking to you about this, but...

Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: I did, too.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up?

Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?

Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish my date hadn't shown up.

Ross: That bad?

Rachel: Well, he makes t-shirts for a living, and he thought it would be appropriate to give me this.

(She holds up a black t-shirt with "FBI - Female Body Inspector" on the front.)

Ross: Female body inspector? What size is that?

[Cut to outside. Phoebe and Joey are walking down the street to Central Perk.]

Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey?

Joey: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: How - how do I get them to name the next one after me?

Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex.

Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes.

(Phoebe sees Rachel and Ross through the window.)

Phoebe: Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working.

(Joey does the "plan-laugh.")

Phoebe: Don't, don't do the plan-laugh.

[Cut to inside Central Perk.]

Ross: The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters.

Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.

Ross: Wait a minute; you don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid.

[Cut to outside Central Perk.]

Joey: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again.

(Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.)

Phoebe: Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. They're coming this way. Run!

Joey: Where?

Phoebe: Mexico!

(They run down the street with Ross and Rachel following right behind them.)

End credits.

[Scene: Delmonico's restaurant. Ross and Joey are sitting at a table for four. The waiter is pouring water in their glasses.]

Joey: Can you believe they're still not here?

Ross: I know. A double blind date, and we both get stood up. What are the chances?

Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now?

Waiter: What?

Joey: We've been stood up. (sniffles) And we want our free crab cakes.

Waiter: Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on you tonight. Although we do have a pool going to see how long it takes that guy to cry.

(He points at Steve who's sitting at another table. He's staring at his hands.)

Steve: I have such fat hands!

(He starts crying.)

The One With The Mugging

Written by: unknown yet

Transcribed by: Johannes Pohl

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Ross, Monica and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters]

Chandler: (excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what…

Joey: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?!

Monica: (shocked) Really? (She looks around, suddenly embarrassed) Let's get past the moment.

Phoebe: What's your news?

Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers)

Monica: (hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's incredible!

Phoebe: (inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like? (Everybody stares at her indignantly) Oh, come on people… (defending) come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey! (Joey winks at her)

Chandler: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship.

Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'.

Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same except… less sex with you. (Joey nods)

Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there?

Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like.

Phoebe: (enthusiastic) That's great.

Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating

(At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of coffee in front of Chandler)

Chandler: (grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble!

(Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while leaving)

Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have been really good in advertising.

Monica: Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?"

Ross: Yes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey, disappointed) I should have written it down!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Aparment, Monica sits at the table]

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: Where's Chandler? I wanna wish him good luck on his first day. (Monica smiles) ... and I smelled bacon. (taking some)

Monica: He just left.

Joey: (puzzled) Who did? (Monica looks bewildered)

Rachel: (entering) Joey! You never gonna believe it: she called.

Joey: (standing up, surprised) She did?

Rachel: (enthusiastic) You got it!

Joey: (still surprised) I did?

Monica: What is she talking about?

Joey: I don't know, but it sounds great.

Rachel: Your agent called. You got that audition.

Joey: With Lennart Haze?

Rachel: Yes.

Joey: Oh my god, that is great! That is *** for a play on broadway… and in a real theatre, not that little one underneath the dally like last time.

Monica: Is it a good play?

Joey: Well, it must be, because I read and I didn't understand a singe word.

Rachel: Yeah, and Lennart Haze is starring in it…

Joey: Yeah, yeah, and directing.

Monica: (sighs) He was so good in that movie of MacBeth.

Rachel: (disbelieving) You saw that?

Monica: No, but… I saw the previews. They played it right before Jackass.

Rachel and Joey: (pointing at Monica, a look of recognition in their faces) Ah!

Joey: Yeah, he's done some amazing works.

Rachel: Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved him in those cell phone commercials.

Joey: (almost laughing) I know. When the monkey hits him in the face with that giant rubber phone. (They all laugh)

Monica: Hey! Maybe the monkey will be at the audition!

Joey: (sitting down) Don't make me more nervous than I already am!

[Scene: Chandler's new workplace, his fellow interns are already seated around a table]

Chandler: (entering) Good morning, everybody.

Intern: Can I get you a cup of coffee, Sir?

Chandler: Oh, no, no, I'm an intern, just like you guys… except for the tie, the briefcase… and the fact that I can rent a car.

Intern: Seriously, you're an intern?

Chandler: Yeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a new career direction and, you know, you gotta start at the bottom.

Intern: (shaking his head disbelievingly) Dude!

Chandler: Right. Look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope (he sits down)

(Everybody gives him an inquiring look)

Chandler: The comedian? USO?!

Intern: (correcting him) Uhm, it's USA, sir.

(Chandler desperately covers his head in his hands)

[Scene: Audition room, Joey is lead into the room by a receptionist in a fancy dress]

Receptionist: This is Joey Tribbiani. Joey, these are the producers and, as you probably already know, this is Lennart Haze.

(Lennart Haze turns around in his chair to face Joey)

Joey: It is so amazing to meet you. (They are shaking hands) I'm such a big fan of your work.

Lennart: Well, I've… I've been blessed with a… a lot of great roles.

Joey: Tell me about it! "Unlimited nights and weekends!"

Lennart: You making fun of me? Because I am not a sell-out. (He stands up and walks menacingly towards Joey) I didn't do that for the money, I believe in those phones. I almost lost a cousin because of bad wireless service.

Joey: No, I-I-I wasn't making fun of you, honestly, I-I think you were great in those commercials.

Lennart: Really?

Joey: Yeah.

Lennart: Well, I do bring a certain credibility to the role.

Joey: (regaining confidence) Are you kiddin'? When they shoot you out of that cannon…

Lennart: Peeeeeooooooooch (He mimes flying out of the cannon) "Hang up that phone!" One take!

Joey: Wow!

Lennart: So, shall we read?

Joey: Oh, yah, sure.

Lennart: Top of act two. This is my entrance. You got it?

(Joey nods whereupon Lennart acts as if he is entering a room)

Lennart: "What the hell are you still doing here"?

(Joey stares at him, fascinated by his performance)

Joey: Err, "I think you know".

Lennart: "Bastard"!

Joey: "I am what you made me. You know what? I could go right now."

Lennart: "Go, go!"

Joey: "I can't. Oh, I want to, long pause, but I can't."

Lennart: I'm sorry, sorry. You're not supposed to say "long pause"

Joey: (understandingly) Oh, oh, I thought that was your character's name, you know, I thought you were like an Indian or something, you know with a… (He mimes wearing a feather on his head)

Lennart: No. Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate it, thank you.

Joey: Ah, y-y-you're sure you don't want me to do it again? I could do it with an accent, you know, Southern (He speaks in what he believes is a Southern accent) "I could go right now, maaan!"

Lennart: (stunned, muttering) My god in heaven.

(The producers stand up)

Producer #1: Joey, hang on for a second. Lennart, can we talk to you for a moment?

(They stand aside, talking)

Lennart: You, you gotta be kidding. See, h-he, he can't act. (Joey hears that and his disappointment is reflected in his facial expression).

(Producer #1 whispers something)

Lennart: Hey! I-I-I don't care if he's hot, you know. If you want to sleep with him, do it on your own time. (Joey smiles smugly at this) This is a play. No, listen: if you insist on this, I will call my agent so fast on a cell phone that has a connection that is so clear he's gonna think I'm next door.

(Joey approaches them)

Joey: (interrupting their conversation) Ah, hi, ah. Thank you so much for whispering for my benefit, but, ah, look, if you just tell me what I did wrong, I'd just love to work on it and come back and try it again for you. And, and also: (to Producer #1) 'How you doing?' (to Lennart again) You should, please, just gimme another chance. I really wanna get better, please.

Lennart: Well, if you wanna come back at the end of the day today, here are my notes. Ready?

Joey: Yeah.

Lennart: Uhm, you're in your head. You-you're thinking way too much.

Joey: I really doubt that.

Lennart: (explaining to Joey, who nods fervently) No, no, no. It's that you're not connected with anything in your body. There's no urgency. The scene is a struggle, uhm, it's a race. Also, what you did was horizontal. Don't be afraid to explore the vertical. And don't learn the words. Let the words learn you.

(Joey ponders on this for a while)

Joey: (suggesting) Couldn't I just sleep with the producer?

[Scene: Backstreet, Ross and Phoebe walking]

Phoebe: Hey, do you wanna go to dinner tonight?

Ross: Oh, I can't. I've got a date with that waitress, Katy, yeah, I know we've been only going out like twice, but I have a really good feeling about her.

Phoebe: Oh, I hear divorce bells.

(A mugger, his face hidden by a cap, approaches them from behind)

Mugger: Alright. Just give me your wallets and there won't be a problem.

Ross: (taken aback) What?

Mugger: I have a gun (It looks like he has a gun under his coat)

Ross: O-ok. Just relax, Phoene, just stay calm. (He searches his coat and freaks out). Oh my god, I can't find my wallet.

(He finally finds the wallet and hands it to the mugger)

Mugger: Alright, lady, now give me your purse!

Phoebe: No.

Ross: (still in a high-pitched voice) What do you mean "no"? I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay.

(A sign of recognition runs across Phoebe's face)

Phoebe: Lowell, is that you?

Lowell: Phoebe? (He lifts his cap) Oh my god!

Phoebe: (simultaneously) Oh my god!

(They hug and scream)

Phoebe: (excited) I'm sorry, Ross, this is my old friend Lowell from the streets. Lowell, Ross.

Lowell: Ross, nice to meet you. (He stretches his hand out to him)

Ross: Yeah, a real pleasure.

Phoebe: Ah, it's been so long, so long. (They hug again) I can't believe you're still doing this!

Lowell: Ough, I know, but I quit smoking!

Phoebe: Good for you!

Lowell: So you look like you're doing really well! I guess you're mugging days are behind you?

Phoebe: Ouh… (she nods)

Ross: (shocked) Oh my god. Phoebe, you used to mug people?

Phoebe: Excuse me, Ross, old friends catching up…

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica sits on the couch as Joey enters]

Monica: Hey, how did the audition go?

Joey: Well, they wanna see me again this afternoon, but, err, well, Lennart Haze did not like me. (He sits down)

Monica: What happened?

Joey: Well, he said I wasn't urgent enough, you know, and that everything I did was horizontal and I should be more vertical. Oh, and he said that I should think less.

Monica: So far so good! (Joey nods)

Chandler: (entering, carrying a large box) Honey, I'm old!

Monica: (standing up, walking towards him) What's wrong?

Chandler: I am so much older than these other interns. I can't compete with them.

Monica: So you're a little older. Try to look at the positive: You have all this life experience.

Chandler: Yes, but I don't think life experience with these. (He opens the box and takes an inline skate-like sneaker out)

Joey: Wooooooooow (He takes the sneaker) It's like they're on fire!

Monica: What are they? (They sit down again)

Chandler: They're these prototype sneakers and come up with ideas on how to sell them which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever where these.

Joey: (determined) I give you $ 500 for them!

Chandler: What am I supposed to do with these?

Monica: Ah, come on, sneakers are easy. You wear sneakers all the time.

Chandler: Well, first of all, they're not called "sneakers" anymore. Apparently, they're called "kicks" or "skids" and I think I heard somebody say "slorps". (He takes a sneaker) And here, look: they've got these wheels to pop out from the bottom so you can roll around 'cause, apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity! (to Monica) Would you help me try to sell these?

Monica: Okay, have you considered using a girl with huge knockers?

Chandler: No, I don't think that's the kinda thing they're looking for.

Joey: Hey, that'd work on me! Why did I get to buy Mrs. Butterwords?

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica sits on the couch as Phoebe and Ross enter]

All: Hey, hey!

Ross: Hey, you'll never guess what just happened… Phoebe and I got mugged!

Monica: You okay?!

Ross: (sitting down) Yah, because Phoebe knew the mugger!

Monica: (bewildered) How do you know a mugger?

Phoebe: I'm sorry I have friends outside the six of us.

Ross: You wanna know how she knew him? (He points at Phoebe) Because Phoebe used to mug people.

Monica: (shocked) Seriously?

Phoebe: Well, I'm not proud of it, but, you know… sometimes when I was living on the street and I needed money for food and stuff I…

Monica: (disapproving) Phoebe, that is awful!

Phoebe: Well, ok, I wasn't rich like you guys, ok, I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony… I had a hard life, my mother was killed by a drug dealer…

Monica: You're mother killed herself!

Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!

Ross: Well, anyway, it was a good thing Phoebe knew the knew him, because (menacingly) I was about to do some serious damage!

Phoebe: (laughing) Okay…

Monica: Well, this must've brought back some really bad memories for you, Ross.

Phoebe: Why?

Monica: Well, Ross was mugged as a kid.

Phoebe: (worried) You were?

Ross: Yeah, it was pretty traumatic. I was outside St. Marc's Comics… you know, I-I-I was just there minding my own business, you know, seeing what kinda trouble spiderman got into that week-

Monica: (coughing) Wonderwoman!

Ross: Anyway, I was heading towards this bakery, you know, to pick up a couple of dozen Linzer torts for someone… (He looks at Monica) … when outta nowhere this thug with a pipe jumps out and says: "Gimme your money, punk!"

Phoebe: (shocked) Oh my god…

Ross: I know! And-and the worst part was they took my backpack which had all the original artwork I had done for my own comic book: "Science Boy"

Monica: Oh yeah! What was his superpower again?

Ross: A superhuman thirst for knowledge.

Monica: That's it.

Ross: Well, I-I better get to class (He stands up) Are there any more of your friends I should look out for on my way, Phoebe?

Phoebe: No… actually, you might wanna stay away from Jane street… that's where stabby Joe works.

(Ross leaves Central Perk)

Phoebe: Okay, I think we have a problem here.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Well, uhm, back in my mugging days, you know, I, uhm, I worked St. Marc's Comics.

Monica: Yeah?

Phoebe: Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice and, uhm, pre-teen comic book nerds were my meat.

Monica: So?

Phoebe: Well, there was this one kid who had a sticker on his backpack that said-

Phoebe and Monica: "Geology rocks!"

Monica: Oh my god!

Phoebe: I know… I mugged Ross!

[Scene: Audition room, the producers and Lennart are waiting for Joey]

Receptionist: You're late!

Joey: (entering) I know, I'm sorry, but can I just have a quick second to run to the bathroom?

Receptionist: No, Lennart doesn't wait!

Joey: But I'm bursting with u-hu!

Lennart: (spotting Joey) Joey! Here we go. Let's go very quickly!

Joey: Actually, I really need…

Lennart: (interrupting) We must go now, quickly, please.

Joey: Yes… ahahaaa (He seems to be in pain)

Lennart: Ready? "What the hell are you still doing here?"

Joey: (walking on the spot) "I think you know!"

Lennart: "Oh, you sick bastard!"

Joey: "I am what you made me! You know what?"

Lennart: "What?"

Joey: "I could go right now."

Lennart: "Then go, go!"

Joey: (urgent) "I, oh, I can't. I want to, but I can't!"

Lennart: Cut! That was good. (He turns to the producers) That was very good. You did everything I asked for.

Joey: (disbelieving) I did?

Lennart: Yes. Plus… what you've got that… I don't know what you've got going… this squirmy quality that you bring into the character that I couldn't've even imagined. Wow, hey, here's what we gonna do: come back tomorrow for the final callbacks with the ***, do all of this what you've got going now, but – you know what? – more, more. Can you do that?

Joey: Sure, yeah. I don't have time to say thank you because I really gotta go. (He grabs his jacket and limps out of the room)

Lennart: (watching Joey leave) Look at that: still in character, I like it… I plant seeds I can't explain.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Chander sits on the couch as Monica and Rachel enter]

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: Putting on the sneakers… thought I'd get into a younger mindset, you know, to see if it sparked anything…

Rachel: Oh, anything yet?

Chandler: Yes, how's this: They're so uncomfortable it's like getting kicked in the nuts for your feet!

(At that moment, Joey opens the door)

Joey: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

(Joey heads straight for the fridge, takes all the beverage cans and is about to leave the apartment)

Joey: Probably wanna know what I'm doing…?

Monica: No, that seems about right.

Joey: Yesterday at my audition, I really had to pee, and apparently, having to pee makes me a really good actor. I got a call-back, so I'm drinking everything. Oh, by the way, that egg nog in our fridge was great!

Rachel: Joey, that was formula.

Joey: We gotta get more of that. (He leaves the apartment)

Chandler: (sitting on the couch) You know what… these aren't half-bad! (to Rachel) You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren.

Rachel: Okay, first of all, that's stupid and second of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph.

Chandler: Alright (He stands wearing the sneakers on) I feel youger already!

(He trips and falls hard on his back)

Chandler: (on the floor) Yah, I think I broke my hip.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there drinking coffee and Ross is about to enter]

Phoebe: (spotting Ross) Hey, you!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey, how was class?

Ross: No one ever asked me that, what's wrong?

Phoebe: Nothing, I really wanna know.

Ross: Oh… (He looks positively surprised) Well, uhm, there was actually a rather lively discussion about the Pleistocene…

Phoebe: (interrupting) Alright, nothing is worth this. Uhm, I have a confession to make… uhm, okay, you know, that girl that mugged you when you were a kid…

Ross: (disbelieving) Wh-What are you talking about? It wasn't a girl. It was this huge dude.

Phoebe: You don't have to lie anymore, Ross, I know that it was a fourteen year-old girl.

Ross: No, it wasn't.

Phoebe: Yes, it was.

Ross: No, it wasn't. You don't think I would've defended myself against a fourteen year-old…

Phoebe: (interrupting, pinching his year) "Gimme your money, punk!"

Ross: (shocked) Oh my god, it was you! I can't believe it, you… you mugged me?

Phoebe: (apologetic) Yeah, and I'm so, so sorry, Ross, I'm sorry, but, you know, if you think about it, it's kinda neat. (She smiles at him, but he doesn't understand) I mean, well, it's just that I I've always felt kinda like an outsider, you know, the rest of you have these connections that go way back and, you know, now, you and I have… have a great one!

Ross: It's not the best!

Phoebe: I know, I'm sorry, please forgive me. I don't know what to say…

Ross: (indignant) There's nothing you can say. That was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me.

Phoebe: Really? Even more humiliating than…

Ross: (interrupting) Hey, let's not do this!

(He picks up his briefcase and walks out of the door, leaving Phoebe behind)

[Scene: Chandler's new workplace, we are witnessing a presentation of a fellow intern]

Intern: … and then, at the end of the commercial, the girls get out of the hut tub and start making out with each other!

Boss: (ironic) That's interesting! Just one thought: You didn't mention the shoes. Who's next? (Chandler raises his hand) Chander…

Chandler: Okay… (He stands up) You start on the image of a guy putting on the shoes. He's about my age…

Intern: (snorting) Your age?

Chandler: A-huh. So he's rolling down the street and he starts to lose control, you know… maybe he falls… maybe hurts himself. Just then, a kid comes flying by wearing the shoes. He jumps over the old guy and laughs, and the line reads: "Not suitable for adults!"

Boss: Chandler, that's great!

Chandler: Oh, thank you, sir… or man-who's-two-years-younger-than-me (He sits down again)

Boss: You see? That has a clear selling point. It appeals to our key demographic, it's…. (enthusiastic) You did you come up with that?

Chandler: (over-enthusiastic) I don't know, I don' I don' know! I was just trying to get into a young mindset, you know, and it just started to flow.

Boss: That is great. Good work!

Chandler. Thank you.

Boss: See all of you tomorrow. (He leaves)

(Chandler stands up and walks out the room with a cane)

Chandler: The cold weather hurts my hip!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross sits in a chair as Phoebe enters]

Phoebe: Hey, Ross! (He lowers his newspaper and scowls at her) I know you're still mad at me, but can I just talk to you for a second?

Ross: Sure, go ahead. Whoops, sorry, sure, go ahead. (He raises his hands as if being mugged)

Phoebe: I just really wanted to apologize again and… and also show you something I think you'll find very exciting.

(She puts a box on her lap, labelled "crap from the street")

Ross: (faking enthusiasm) Oh my god, crap from the street? (She smiles excitedly, but Ross just turns back to his newspaper)

Phoebe: Look, Ross, in this box are all the things I got from mugging that I thought were too special to sell… or smoke. (Ross looks at her in astonishment) Anyway, I was looking through it and I found "Science Boy" (She holds up some sheets of paper and hands them to Ross)

Ross: Oh my god. (He sighs) I never thought I'd see this again. (He browses trough the pages) It's all here. What made you save it all these years?

Phoebe: I can't say, I just thought it was really good… and… maybe would be worth something some day.

Ross: You really thought "Science Boy" was worth saving!

Phoebe: Yeah… but you should know, I also have a jar of vaseline and a cat skull in here.

Ross: Still… this is amazing… Oh my god, thank you, Phoebe.

Phoebe: You're welcome. And thank you for "Science Boy". I learned a lot from him

Ross: You're welcome.

[Scene: Audition room, Joey and Lennart are rehearsing]

Joey: (hoping frantically on the spot, screaming) "I need an answer!"

Lennart: "I-I-I can't tell you somethin' I don't know."

Joey: "You know!"

Lennart: "I don't know!"

Joey: "I need an answer now!"

Lennart: "Alright, here, you want an answer… the answer… is…"

(He pauses while Joey struggles to avoid wetting his pants)

Joey: (screaming) Oh!

Lennart: "She never loved me, she only loved you."

Joey: "You knew this all along and you never told me? You never told me? I can never forgive you, I can never forgive myself, I have nothing to live for – Bang – End Scene!"

Lennart: Absolutely amazing! (The producers applaud Joey) The part is yours.

Joey: (in pain) Oh thanks, thanks! Now, I really have to get…

Lennart: Wa-wa-wa-wait! Congratulations! You did it! You did it! (He hugs Joey) You can relax now. Yeah.

(Joey relaxes and wets his pants while hugging Lennart)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica sits at the table reading the mail]

Monica: Wow, that's a big cable bill! Huh, you don't have a job, but you have no problem ordering porn… on a Saturday afternoon?! (shocked) I was in the house!

Ross: (entering) Hey, uhm, Phoebe didn't by any chance mention that…

Monica: … that she was the huge guy that mugged you? Yah.

Ross: I see. You didn't happen to tell…

Monica: … everybody we know? Yeah.

Ross: Great. Thanks! (He leaves)

End

916 - The One With The Boob Job

Transcribed by: r3v3LaT1oN with corrections and additional information by Keith Owen

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler and Monica are looking through some papers.]

Chandler: Did you see our bank statement? Can this be right?

Monica: I know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed Oreos. What happened to all our money?

Chandler: I'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron.

Monica: I guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in.

Chandler: Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays.

Monica: Oh, But you're finally doing something that you love! I can't ask you to give that up. Though it'd be nice if the thing that you love was y'know... finding gold.

Chandler: You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer?

Monica: Ok worse case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents.

Chandler: No! We're not borrowing money.

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money.

Monica: Wow! I Had no idea you had this much pride.

Chandler: That's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Mike and Phoebe seem to have finished watching a movie on television.]

Mike: I'm gonna go. (He kisses Phoebe on the cheek)

Phoebe: Why??

Mike: I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes.

Phoebe: Oh...you don't have to go, I have something that will fit you.

Mike: I put that tube top on as a joke.

Phoebe: I want you to stay.

Mike: I want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as I can..

Phoebe: Why don't you turn them inside ou...

Mike: Done it. (Phoebe becomes a little more subdued) I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Phoebe: I'll miss you.

Mike: Me too. (He leaves. A few moments later, he enters again.) You know what? I just realised something. I don't wanna go home.

Phoebe: Great! Ok...I'll go get the tube top.

Mike: No, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because I live above a known crack den but... mostly because when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together?

Phoebe: Wow, Mike Hannigan...You sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!"

Mike: So we're doing it?

Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! (They embrace and Mike kisses Phoebe) Oh god, we're really going to move in together!

Mike: Yeah!

Phoebe: I've always wanted to live with a guy. "Pick up your socks!" "Put down the toilet seat!" "No! We're not having sex anymore!" It's gonna be fun!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey Joey!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Listen...I need to know that what I'm about to ask you, will never get back to Chandler.

(Joey frowns...then looks as if he understands)

Joey: I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself. Chandler is my best friend, it would be wrong. Good...(He winks)...But wrong.

Monica: (Looks exasperated) Ok first of all...It would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I need to borrow some money.

Joey: Aww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake.

Monica: But Chandler lent you money!

Joey: And I think he would tell you it was a mistake.

Monica: Come on...I just need it for some rent and..and some other bills.

Joey: Oh...how much?

Monica: Two thousand dollars?

Joey: Two thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!?

Monica: Yeah...

Joey: That's right I am! (Opens drawer and rummages through it. Rachel enters)

Rachel: Hi you guys!

Joey & Monica: Hey!

Joey: Oo...what's in the bag?

Rachel: Oh er... well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.

Joey: Oh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know, when I was a kid it was like.. "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er.. "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh!

Monica: Anyway erm, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff?

Rachel: No. I was just going to do this myself. (Joey makes a sarcastic laugh.)

Joey: You're gonna do it?

Rachel: Yeah, Why? You don't think a woman can do this?

Joey: Oh, women can. You can't.

Rachel: Monica...would you please tell Joey that he is a pig?

Monica: You're a pig. And you can't do this.

Rachel: Wha!? What!? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself!

Joey: The hardware store is right down the street.

Rachel: There is a hardware store right down the street?

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Mike enters.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys! Ok, we've got great news.

Mike: Phoebe and I are moving in together.

Monica, Chandler, Ross: Congratulations!/Good for you!/Great!

Phoebe: I know it's so exciting! You know I've never lived with a guy before.

Monica: Well you know it's just like living with a girl. Only they don't steal your makeup. Unless they're playing "This is what my sister would look like" (Looks at Chandler)

Chandler: Yeah.... she's not so cute.

Mike: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Phoebe: Okay, well you put down the toilet seat.

Mike: Yes dear.

Monica: Is that a bit you guys do?

Phoebe: Uh huh...we're playing you two.

Monica: We don't do that! Tell her we don't do that!

Chandler: Yes dear.

Ross: I can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's, that's great! I mean...I'm happy for you guys..

Monica: I hear wedding bells.

Phoebe: Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know I mean, I don't know, Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah. Y'know..I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut...you know..near the good schools where Mike and I can send Sophie and Mike Junior.. Oh my god I do.

Ross: Phoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional.

Phoebe: I know! I guess I am! Oh my god! Load up the Volvo I want to be a soccer mom!

Mike: You ready to go?

Phoebe: Yeah! You bet roomy!

Monica: Don't you mean..groomy?

Mike: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Oh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. (Mike seems to gag a little...and laughs nervously. They begin to leave. Phoebe bolts back)

Phoebe: China patterns!!!!!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Rachel is fiddling with the drawer.]

Rachel: This is easy...Can't do this! (Moves away...and finds her sweater sleeve stuck to the drawer) Oh! Wow! Seriously I can't do this. (Fiddles more)

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler sits on the couch. Joey sits at the round table]

Chandler: Hey Joe!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it.

Joey: I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.

Chandler: And that would have made the official party line. (Joey nods) Monica and I are having a little financial trouble.

Joey: Yeah, I know.

Chandler: What? What do you mean you know?

Joey: Err... I just figured it out! You know, I mean you're not working and the economy is bad.

Chandler: Oh! Right.

Joey: (to himself) That's the fastest I have ever thought!

Chandler: Anyway, err... I need to borrow some money.

Joey: Oh! Sure! How much? Two thousand dollars?

Chandler: Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! (Joey begins writing a cheque)

Joey: Err...Well I...Know how much you used to make and I know how much your rent is. (shrugs)

Chandler: Oh ok.

Joey: (To himself) I am on fire!

Chandler (Stands up and walks to Joey): Listen...this is really nice. Do you... (sees his chequebook) Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you?

Joey: Err... Kind of.

Chandler: I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems?

Joey: Oh no no no no no... It wasn't... It wasn't because of your money problems, it was for something for her.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Something personal.

Chandler: What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about?

(Woman with huge breasts cuts across them. Takes Joey's coffee)

Woman: Excuse me.

Joey: Boob job.

Monica: I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy!

Joey: Well it's...It's not that crazy okay? Making them smaller, that would be crazy.

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are packing stuff.]

Mike: Well hey, I wanna ask you about Monica's little "groomy" joke.

Phoebe: Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laugh is becuase it's a play on the word roomy.

Mike: I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right?

Phoebe: Oh no! No no! Not at all. We're just moving in right now. See where it goes.

Mike: Yeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go.

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Mike: Look. Phoebe, I-I love you. Very much. But I never want to get married again.

Phoebe: Oh. Wow.

Mike: It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.

Phoebe: Was it really that bad?

Mike: At one point near the end she deliberately defecated.....

Phoebe: Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean.

Mike: Look it's not about who I would marry. And I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong!

Phoebe: But it's just...

Mike: Look Phoebe, It's not about you. I just never wanna get married again.

Phoebe: Oh!

Mike: I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea.

Phoebe: No! I definitely don't wanna get married. No I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to too. Whew! Coz you know when we move in and you start changing your mind there's gonna be hell to pay mister!

Mike: Trust me, I will never...

Phoebe: Yeah I get that.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Rachel is flipping through magazines. Handyman is installing things. Monica enters.]

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: So you gave in and decided to call someone?

Rachel: Yeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks.

Handyman: You're all set. (picks up his bag and starts to leave)

Rachel: Oh thank you so much. (Picks up the guy's spirit level) Oh oh wait! You forgot your erm...Your game. (hands it to him)

Handyman: Thanks.....

(Chandler enters)

Chandler: Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife.

Rachel: Don't look at me I never get his jokes.

Monica: Thank you?

Chandler: Oh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not... two... single things.

Monica: Ok, you're being wierd. Do you want sex or did you do something bad?

Chandler: No no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for your form.

Monica: Ok..You know the old classics you know,You look nice? They're still ok.

Chandler: Well yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I wouldn't change it. At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger.

Monica: Okay...

Chandler: I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that.

(He leaves)

Rachel: Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any wierder.

Monica: I know why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger?

Rachel: I don't know! I mean, what brought that on?

Monica: Oh my god. We're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is going to change.

Rachel: No you really think that's what it is?

Monica: You heard him! "No bigger!" "You're perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!" Oh my god he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler.

Rachel: Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing) God! It's just such a magical time!

[Scene:Ross's apartment. Phoebe is at the door.]

Phoebe: Hi

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage.

Ross: Oh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean I can see for all hanging out but to come to my home!

Phoebe: No...I really wanted to know how you feel about it.

Ross: Why?

Phoebe: Mike doesn't ever wanna get married.

Ross: Never?

Phoebe: Never.

Ross: wow, are you still going to move in with him?

Phoebe: I want to, but I just want you to tell me that marriage isn't really that big a deal. You know that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks!

Ross: Yeah, marriage... stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get them married.

Phoebe: That's not how you really feel is it?

Ross: No, I'm sorry. Look I don't think that's what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it. I love marriage.

Phoebe: Seriously? You divorce-o?

Ross: If you have to call me name, I prefer "Ross the Divorcer". It's just cooler. Look, I know my marriage isn't exactly work out. But I love to be that committed to another person. And Carol had some good times before she became a lesbian... and once afterward. I'm sorry.

Phoebe: It's ok that's how you feel.

Ross: But come on! I mean living together will be great! I mean you guys have so much fun and you love Mike.

Phoebe: I do love Mike.

Ross: Yeah see? And you are so excited about moving in together before, and you know what? You should be. It's a big deal!

Phoebe: Yeah I guess you're right. Yeah thanks. This helped. Thanks.

Ross: The Divorcer, to the rescue!

Phoebe: It's not cooler.

Ross: Yeah I just hurt it.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey enters carrying a tub of ice cream. He sets it on the table, takes off his jacket and struggles with the drawer. It cannot be opened.]

Joey: Rach?! (He walks over to the fridge to put it in, but it cannot be opened either) Rachel!!!!? (He walks to the bathroom and tries to lift the toilet seat cover. It won't come up.) So I can't do anything I like????

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters. Rachel and monica are seated at the table.]

Chandler: Hey Rach! Ah........ Perfection. (kisses monica) Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing.

Monica: Honey?

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: About that? Erm...I'm going to change.

Chandler: But honey you don't have to.

Monica: I'm going to get bigger!

Chandler: Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are!

Rachel: Argh. fascist

Monica: Well, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it or not! And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger too.

Chandler: your ass?!?!?

Rachel: Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too!

Chandler: They...do that?

Monica: It's kind of a package deal!

Chandler: God why why would you want to do that to yourself!?

Monica: I thought I was something that we both wanted!

Chandler: Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?

Rachel: Oh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!?

Chandler: (sedated) What?

[Scene: Joey's apartment. He's prying open the drawer with a crowbar to no avail. Monica, Rachel and Chandler enter.]

Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?

Joey: Because she is!

Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.

Joey: Mmmm hmm! For your boob job!

Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over/Joe!

Joey: OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.]

Ross: Hey! What do you guys think about this. "Ross: The Divorce-Force".

Phoebe: Better.

Mike: Very cool.

Ross: Hey Pheebs, you know I'm i'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful.

Phoebe: Oh yeah you were helpful! Yeah, no, thanks you.

Ross: Good, good. Yeah coz the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't think marriage is neccessarily the right path for you.

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Ross: Well, I know the other day in the coffeehouse you were caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? but is that really you? I mean can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?

Phoebe: They are awfully boxy...

Ross: I don't know you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean it's so... normal.

Phoebe: Uh huh.

(Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are carrying a couch through the door)

Ross: Hey hey, can I help?

Chandler: Well! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky.

Ross: You know sometimes your words... they hurt.

Joey: Hey uh, where do you guys want this?

Rachel: Yeah, seriously coz this is really heavy. (She suddenly lets go) I mean not for me because i'm only pretending to hold this, but for these guys.

Phoebe: Just one last time erm... the marriage thing... there's no wiggle room? None at all?

Mike: No but... You don't want to get married either right?

Phoebe: Right. Except that I do want to get married.

Joey: (voice strained) Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck huh?

Mike: You wanna get married?

Phoebe: Someday.

Chandler: Aaaaand....... hernia.

Phoebe: I haven't exactly had a normal life and I never really felt I was missing out on anything but it just feels that now it's my turn some of the regular stuff.

Mike: But if you wanna get married why didn't you say something before?

Phoebe: Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live with you.

Mike: I want to live with you too! Let's do that!

Phoebe: But I don't think I can! it was ok to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I can't move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen.

Mike: Can we at least try living together? I mean you might change your mind about marriage.

Phoebe: Are you gonna change yours?

Mike: No.

Phoebe: Me neither. I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want.

Mike: But I don't want this to end.

Phoebe: I don't want it to end either.

Mike: I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff packed up.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Mike: Ok... so...(They hug) Goodbye.

Chandler/Joey/Rachel/Monica: Bye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now!

Rachel: I'm so sorry Pheebs.

Monica: We're all sorry... (They have a group hug)

Chandler: Ah, look on the bright side, I mean you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you. (they hug again)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is struggling with the fridge. He finally gets it open and falls on the floor]

Joey: AH HAH! I DID IT! HA HA! Alright... (He takes a box out, about to close fridge, then thinks.) Better take all I can carry. Who knows when i'll be able to get in here again!

End

Friends

917 - The One With The Memorial Service

Aired: 3/13/2003

Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Story by: Robert Carlock

Directed by: Gary Halvorson

Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh and Vanessa

[Scene: Ross' apartment , Chandler and Joey enter]

Chandler: Hey! Ready to go?

Ross: Oh yeah, let me just finish this.

Joey: Hey Ross, check this out! (he tries to spin a basketball on his fingertip but he throws it against a table) yeah, I can't do that!

Chandler: What are you doin'?

Ross: Have you seen this? It's a new alumni website for college! It's cool! You can post messages for people, let everyone know what you're up to.

Chandler: Great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless .

Ross: It's actually kinda interesting to find out what people are doing... remember Andrea Rich?

Chandler: The tall girl who wouldn't sleep with you?

Ross: Uh uh... well, her Internet Company went under and she lost an ear in a boating accident...

Chandler: Bet she'd sleep with you now...

Ross: No... I already e-mailed her.

Chandler: Let me see what you wrote about yourself: "Doctor Paleontology, two kids... " (pause) You split with Carol because you have different interests?... I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest!

Ross: You know what? I'm gonna finish this later, ok? Let me just grab my coat.

Joey: Hey! (he throws the basketball against a table again)

Ross: (he picks up the ball) What do you think you learnt how to do in the last two minutes?? (he enters another room)

Chandler: Maybe we finish this for him! (he sits down on the sofa and he start typing on Ross' computer) "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever had"... aaand SEND!

Joey: (he stops Chandler from posting the message) No, no, no... what do... you can't do that to him!

Ross: (he comes back) Alright, let's go!

Joey: Dude! (he opens his arms to receive the ball from Ross' hands)

Ross: I think you made it clear you cannot be trusted with the ball inside the house!

Joey: (after Ross leaves the room) aaand SEND! (he hits the send button)

Opening credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]

Rachel: Hey! How was basketball?

Joey: Oh, it was a lot of fun right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye!

Rachel: Oh, no! Who did that?

Joey: Chandler... hey... (he goes towards his room but he stops near Emma's cot) Rach... what's Hugsy doin' in the crib with Emma? (he looks puzzled)

Rachel: She was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him. That's all right? Isn't it?

Joey: (still very puzzled) Oh, yeah... of course... yeah... it's a stuffed animal... you know... it's for kids... not for adults... I know that!

Rachel: Joey... are you sure? I mean, I know how much you love him!

Joey: Rachel... let's be clear on this, ok? I do not love Hugsy. I like him a normal amount...

Rachel: All right... Oh, Emma loves him!

Joey: Why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person!

[Scene: Central Perk]

Phoebe: Hi.

Monica: Hey Phoebe... how you doin'? You feelin' better?

Phoebe: Breaking up sucks! Oh, I really miss Mike!

Chandler: Oh, I'm so sorry!

Phoebe: Oh God, I tried everything to make myself feel better. I even tried writing a song about it... but... I can't think of anything that rhymes with AARRGGHH!! (pause) Hey Monica, I really need your help getting through this...

Chandler: You're not gonna need my help?

Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you.

Chandler: Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth (he goes towards the counter)

Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that.

Monica: Ok, you got it!

Phoebe: (after a pause) Unless... Maybe it's too crazy about this... Alright so... you know, there is no future... but that doesn't mean we still can't have fun. You know what? Forget what I said.

Monica: Really? If that's what you want...

Phoebe: That was a test and you just failed.

Monica: Damn it! Rookie mistake!

(Ross enters and he's really angry. He goes towards Chandler who's sitting at the counter)

Ross: (yelling at Chandler) I have sex with dinosaurs??

Chandler: I believe I read that somewhere!

Ross: That only is not funny, it's physically impossible! Ok? Depending on the species I'd have to have a six foot long... (pause) It's not funny!!

Chandler: I respectfully disagree.

Ross: I can't believe you put that on my alumni page!

Chandler: Who cares? Nobody reads those things

Ross: You'd better hope not because I just read what you put on your page today.

Chandler: I don't have a page.

Ross: Oh oh oh! I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE!!

[Scene: Rachel's room. Rachel and Emma are sleeping; Joey sneaks in and approaches the crib]

Joey: Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel... with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around ya. (he picks up Hugsy) It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep. (Emma cries)

Rachel: (threatening Joey with a scrunchy): Step away from the crib, I have a weapon!

Joey: It's okay, it's okay Rach, it's me. Put down the scrunchy.

Rachel: What are you doing?

Joey: Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came to make sure she could reach Hugsy.

Rachel: Oh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm up I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Joey: (placing Hugsy back in the crib) There you go sweetie... (to Emma) This isn't over.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is looking at the screen of his laptop, shaking his head.]

Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... (reads from the screen) "gay as the day is long"?

Chandler: Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.

Monica: But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true. (Phone rings)

Chandler: Would you get that please? People have been calling to congratulate me all day.

Monica: (On the phone) Hello? No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too. I guess I should have known. Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge.

Chandler: Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! (Monica hangs up) I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go (starts typing something).

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: Oh, you'll see my friend.

[Time lapse, still Chandler and Monica's, but only Chandler is there. Enter Ross]

Ross: (visibly upset) I'm dead?

Chandler: (faking sympathy) And so young.

Ross: Posting that I died? That really isn't funny.

Chandler: Well, how you died was funny.

Ross: Oh please, hit by a blimp?

Chandler: It kills over one americans every year.

Ross: Unbelievable, my classmates are gonna think I'm dead, my professors, my... my parents are gonna get phone calls. You're messing with people's feelings here.

Chandler: You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West!

Ross: You've really crossed the line here, but that's okay, it's ok 'cause I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software and a stack of gay porn. That's right! Your coming out is about to get real graphic.

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment]

Phoebe: God, I wish Mike were here.

Monica: Okay if Mike were here what would the two of you be doing?

(Phoebe gives her a meaningful look)

Monica: What are you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon!

Phoebe: I gotta call him. Just to talk to him, there's no harm in that.

Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. (pause) Give me your phone.

Phoebe: Here.

Monica: And now your cell.

Phoebe: Okay (she takes a huge, clearly obsolete cellphone she keeps in a closet and gives it to Monica)

Monica: This is your cellphone?

Phoebe: Yes.

Monica: This is your current cellphone?

Phoebe: Yes, it reminds me of a simpler time.

Monica: Phoebe, where's your purse?

(They run for Phoebe's purse, Phoebe gets there first and takes the cell. Monica tries to take it away from her)

Monica: No, no! Give it to me!

Phoebe: You can't have it.

Monica: Give it to me!

Phoebe: No (tucks it in her pants)

Monica: I'll go in there.

Phoebe: (disbelievingly) Oh yeah.

Monica: Phoebe come here

(they fight a little, the phone falls and Monica picks it up)

Monica: Haha!

Phoebe: Damn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's. Enter Joey]

Joey: Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend.

Rachel: Joey, Emma's right here! You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore.

Joey: No, no, it's not a girl, it's... a brand new Hugsy!

Rachel: Oh that's so great, now Emma has two Hugsy's.

Joey: No, no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new Hugsy, huh? The other Hugsy, I don't know, I guess I'll just take it back.

Rachel: Oh you know what? When I was a little girl I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid her tail...

Joey: Make the transfer! (She does so)

Rachel: Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it?

Joey: Oh, no don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago.

(Emma cries)

Rachel: Oh, I don't think she likes the new Hugsy.

Joey: But he's the same.

Rachel: Yeah, I think she wants the old one back.

Joey: But he's the same.

Rachel: Joey, come on!

Joey: He's the same!

(they exchange Hugsy's).

Joey: (to the new Hugsy) You're not the same!

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Enter Monica]

Monica: Haha!

Phoebe: You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that after I've buzzed you into the building.

Monica: So Phoebe, why are there men's shoes by the door.

Phoebe: Those are my shoes.

Monica: Oh, when you get over this breakup we need to go shopping.

Phoebe: Monica, I really appreciate you checking in on me, but I'm actually feeling a lot better. Yeah, I just kinda want to be alone right now.

(Someone knocks on the door)

Monica: Who's that? (goes to open door)

Phoebe: I ordered Chinese food.

(Monica opens the door and Mike is standing at the doorway)

Phoebe: What are the chances? 1 billion Chinese people and they send Mike!?

Monica: (To Mike) What are you doing here?

Mike: Phoebe called me.

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: I'm sorry, I broke down... I wanted to see him.

Monica: Damnit Phoebe! How did you even call him?

Phoebe: There is a speakerphone on the base unit...

Monica: Base Unit! Think Monica! Think!

Mike: Look, if I wanna see Phoebe and she wants to see...

Monica: (to Mike) This doesn't concern you!!

Mike: Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name!

Monica: Look, guys, you can't do this, it's just going to make getting over each other, that much harder.

Phoebe: Not if nothing happens. Why can't... why can't we just hang out as friends?

Monica: Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm your friend (to Phoebe) and Mike's friend (Mike is sceptical).

Phoebe: Sit down.

(Phoebe and Mike sit next to each other)

Monica: Oh wow wow wow!! Make room for your friend! (sits herself down between them)

Mike: (to Phoebe) So how've you been?

Monica: I've been pretty good!

Mike: (to Phoebe) You look really beautiful.

Phoebe: Thanks, you look good too.

Monica: Oh no no no no... this is dangerous territory. Keep it clean!

Phoebe: So how's the piano playing going?

Mike: Actually I've been playing a lot of love songs lately. I've missed you.

Phoebe: I've missed you too.

(Silence)

Monica: You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up. And then a pigeon ate it!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment: Ross is doing something on his laptop when Chandler walks in]

Chandler: Hey, Ross, I just wanted to apologize... (looks at laptop screen)..don't tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me?

Ross: uhu uhu, check this out. (Chandler sits down and looks at laptop screen)

Chandler: Huh! So that's what I would look like if I worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually going to send these out are ya?

Ross: Eh..actually no, I don't need to because your little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work, ok, there were no responses. Nobody posted anything on the website, nobody called my parents, so the joke my friend is on you. Nobody called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead. (silence) Oh my God! Nobody cares that I'm dead!?

Chandler: No, come on, you know that's not true.

Ross: What are you talking about? You get sixty responses just for coming out of the closet! I didn't get one response! And I'm dead!

Chandler: Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community.

Ross: I can't believe this. Not even my geology lab partner? And I carried that guy! (gets up from his sofa)

Chandler: Alright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are gonna post condolences on a website? This is not about people not caring that you're dead .This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief.

Ross: You're right. There isn't a decent outlet.

Chandler: Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure that if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of people would come.

Ross: Exactly!! (sits back down at his laptop and starts typing)

Chandler: Ross, what're you... what're you... what are you doing? (looks at laptop screen)You're having a memorial service for yourself!?

Ross: No! That would be stupid! You're having it for me!

Chandler: Ross, don't press send, don't press se... !

Ross: oh, too late, too late! It's sent... oops sorry and so is the picture of you and the police man...

[Scene: Joey's room: Joey is sitting on his bed reading DooL transcript when Rachel walks in]

Rachel: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap, have you seen Hugsy?

Joey: Original or crappy?

Rachel: Original.

Joey: No, sorry haven't seen him.

Rachel: Then what's that big lump under your covers?

Joey: It's Monica, ok?

Rachel: That's not Monica!

Joey: Alright!! Fine! It's original Hugsy! No, now I know that Emma wants him but he's mine and I need him..

Rachel: (to herself) Oh God.

Joey: ... she's being unreasonable!

Rachel: (yelling) Joey, there is a reason that Emma loves that stupid penguin so much (Joey covers Hugsy's ears) Oh don't cover its ears! (stops yelling) It's because it reminds her of her uncle Joey!

Joey: It does?

Rachel: Yeah! And she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle Joey so much.

Joey: Really? She... she loves me?

Rachel: Oh yeah! But you know what? If you need Hugsy, don't worry. Emma will totally understand. I won't... but whatever (She leaves the room).

Joey: Ok, wait wait wait wait a minute wait a minute, I mean Rach, I mean if if... . If Hugsy means that much to Emma then... well she can have him.

Rachel: Oooh... you're sweet, I knew uncle Joey would step up. (Turns to face Emma in the the playpen) Look Emma, look who's baaack!

Joey: Look forget it forget it... I can't do it.

Rachel: Are you gonna... you're going to take Hugsy away from a little child?

Joey: How do you think I got him in the first place?

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment: Phoebe, Monica and Mike sitting on the couch]

(Monica is getting up from the couch)

Monica: Alright you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Now I don't want anything going on while I'm gone. Here's a few things you can discuss: mucus, fungus and the idea of me and Ross doing it.

Mike: I've missed you so much! No, I'm not gonna ask you to get back together because I know we want different things, but just to be with you one more night.

Phoebe: I know, I want that too, but IS that going to make it too hard?

Mike: It can't be any harder than this... I mean, If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move, everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would have been the last time... I never would have stopped.

Monica: (running back into the room) Kiss him, you fool!!

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Didn't you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him then I will!

Phoebe: Oh, I missed you so much! (she kisses Mike)

Strange man: (he bounds into the house) I knew you'd be here!

Mike: Oh, crap!

Phoebe: Who is this?

Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you.

Monica: Hi, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe!

Manny: Well, you are not doing a very good job!

Monica: Excuse me?

Manny: What's with the kissing?

Monica: Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.

Manny: Oh yeah yeah, thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing!

Monica: You didn't hear the speech!

Manny: I've heard the speech: (in a mocking voice) "if he knew it was gonna be the last time he saw her... "

Monica: Hey, it was very moving! You're just heartless!

Manny: You're weak!

Monica: You're... weird!

Manny: Your pants are undone!

Monica: Oh (realizes her pants are undone and zips them up)!

Manny: (looking at the sofa) Where did they go?

Monica: Damn it!

Manny: Oh we blew it. I blame myself.

Monica: And I blame you too.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]

Ross: It's been an hour and not one of my classmates has shown up! I tell you, when I actually die some people are gonna get seriously haunted!

(someone knocks on the door)

Chandler: There you go! Someone came!

Ross: Ok, ok! I'm gonna go hide! Oh, this is so exciting, my first mourner! (he hides in the bedroom and closes the door)

(Chandler and Monica go open the door)

Monica: Hi, glad you could come.

Chandler: (in a mournful voice) Please, come in.

Tom: Hi, you're Chandler Bing, right? I'm Tom Gordon, I was in your class.

Chandler: Oh yes, yes... let me... take your coat.

Tom: Thanks... uh... I'm so sorry about Ross, it's...

Chandler: At least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps (he goes in the bedroom)

Ross: Who is he?

Chandler: Some guy, Tom Gordon.

Ross: I don't remember him, but then again I touched so many lives. (they press their ears against the door)

Monica: So, did you know Ross well?

Tom: Oh, actually I barely knew him. Yeah, I came because I heard Chandler's news. D'you know if he's seeing anyone?

Monica: (a bit surprised) Yes, he is. Me.

Tom: What? You... You... Oh! Can I ask you a personal question? Ho-how do you shave your beard so close?

Chandler: (entering, very upset) Ok Tommy, that's enough mourning for you! Here we go, bye bye!! (he shoves him out the door)

Tom: (before leaving) Hey, listen. Call me.

Chandler: Ok! (shuts the door behind Tom)

Ross: (coming in) I'm dead and no one cares?

Monica: I look like a man??

Chandler: Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!

Ross: It isn't ridiculous, look around! No one's here!

Chandler: You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the web site everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand!

Ross: Yes, you're right. Still somebody must have seen it... I mean, I went to that school for 4 years, I didn't have an impact on anyone?

Chandler: Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something?

Ross: (sceptical) Yeah...

(someone knocks on the door) Oh, great. More party boys for Chandler!

Chandler: I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide. (Ross hides in the bedroom again)

(Chandlers opens the door. A beautiful woman stands at the doorway.)

Kori: Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service.

Chandler: Kori? Kori Weston?

Kori: Yeah...

Chandler: Wow! You look amazing!

Kori: And you are...

Chandler: Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all.

Monica: You are married though.

Chandler: Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood! (lets her in)

Kori: I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad.

Chandler: I didn't know Ross and you were so close.

Kori: We weren't but we had one class together. He was such a great guy and he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him.

Chandler: I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently.

Kori: I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance.

Ross: (he bounds into the lounge room) But you didn't! I'm still alive!! Kori, I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long story but the things you just said really made my day! I mean, the fact that you are here means more to me than if this room were filled with people!

Kori: You sick freak, who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you! (she leaves and slams the door behind her)

Ross: Did you hear that? Kori Weston had a crush on me!!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Ross' apartment]

Ross: (on the phone) No Mum, I'm not dead. I know it's not something to kid about. It was just a practical joke between Chandler and me, but it's over, ok? (pause) Actually no, even if I had died, you would not be left childless. (pause) Monica?

Friends

918 - The one with the lottery

Teleplay: Sherry Bilsing - Graham & Ellen Plummer

Story: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

Directed by: Gary Halvorson

Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Roni & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk - Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the sofas. Joey enters]

Joey: Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche?

Monica: Ok.

Joey: Alright!

Monica: But ehm...what is it not?

Joey: (abashed) A place to entertain my lady friends.

Monica: And what else is it not?

Joey: (even more abashed) A place to eat spaghetti.

Monica: Very good! (Gives him the keys) What do you need it for anyway?

Joey: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York, so...

Rachel: Oh! So you're driving up to Connecticut?

Joey: (hesitates for a moment)Yeah Connecticut...Not West Virginia.

Monica: Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there! I'd like to buy some tickets myself!

Joey: Uh!

Monica: Yeah with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300 million dollars.

Chandler: Yeah, because if I was at my old job we'd say 300 million? No thank you!

Phoebe: Hey will you get me tickets too?

Rachel: Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money together and then if we win, we'll split it!

Everyone almost simultaneously except Ross: yeah thats a great idea!

Ross: No thanks!

Phoebe: You don't wanna win the lottery?

Ross: (in a mocking voice)Uh...sure I do, and I also wanna be King of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart.

Chandler: Still on Amelia Earhart?

Ross: The woman just vanished!

Joey: Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this?

Ross: No! Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I...I mean you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times.

Chandler: Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck by lightning 7 times.

Joey: I like those odds!

Ross: Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean that's such a bunch of boohaki.

Chandler: (looking around at the others)I'll ask. (To Ross) Boohaki?

Ross: Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start talking so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her.

Rachel: Yeah so get ready to hear alot of ehm...boohaki, goshdarnit and brotherpucker.

Monica: How do you know she's gonna start talking?

Rachel: Well when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.

Chandler: Kinda like Joey.

Joey: (who wasn't paying attention)What's that now?

Opening credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen]

Monica: God! Look at all these tickets! It's so exciting! You know I haven't won anything since the sixth grade.

Chandler: Pie eating contest?

Monica: Oh! You assume because I was heavy that's the only way I could win something?

Chandler: No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries.

Monica: (smiling)That was a good day!

(Suddenly Ross comes running into the apartment)

Ross: (yelling to Monica)They're towing your car, they're towing your car!!

Monica: I'm parked in a garage on Morton!

Ross: (panting)They're towing a car. And I am seeing...spots.

Joey: (sounding panicky)Oh my god Ross! You don't have Emma! And Rachel you don't have Emma! (Starts yelling) Where's Emma? Who has Emma!?

Rachel: Joey relax! My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there!

Joey: (not yelling anymore)I was?

Racel: Yes and you talked to her...

Joey: I did?

Rachel: She dropped off a casserole?

Joey: Oh yeah! The casserole lady.

Monica: (to Ross)So, did you come by to watch us win the big bucks?

Ross: Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it!

(phone starts ringing and Chandler comes running out of the bathroom)

Chandler: (hysterical)Don't touch the phone! I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it!! (picks up the phone)

Ross: (to Monica)Think he washed his hands?

Chandler: (into receiver)Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know?

Rachel: (to Monica)What's going on?

Monica: Chandler is supposed to find out if he's getting an assistent job at his ad agency. But out of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three.

Joey: Ooh! Tough odds!

Ross: (mockingly)Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery!

Joey: (smiling)Look who's coming around!

Chandler: (still on the phone)Damnit. Alright call me when you know more.

Joey: (excited)Did you get it?

Chandler: One of the slots got filled.

Joey: (Still excited)By you!?

Chandler: Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got it.

Monica: Oh! I hate that guy! I mean come on kid! Pull up your pants!

Chandler: Yeah I know.

Rachel: Well, there's two spots left right?

Chandler: Yeah...I mean I want this so much! I mean, I wanna get one, I want my friend Charlie to get one...Except I don't care about Charlie.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: (excited)Hey you guys! Ok, you're not going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight!

Monica: Hey that reminds me, I thought we could use some extra luck so I brought a wishbone home from work.

Ross: (mockingly)A psychic AND a wishbone? Guys! Give someone else a chance!

Monica: Alright, who wants to do it?

Phoebe: Oh can I? Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone. It's really not fair either! You know, just because we don't eat the meat doesn't mean we don't like to play with the carcasses!

Monica: Ok, hey Rach?

Rachel: Oh no, I'm good, I don't wanna get that turkey smell all over my hands.

Joey: I'll do it!! It'll get the casserole stink off of mine.

(Phoebe and Joey both grab one side of the wishbone)

Phoebe: I hope I win!

Monica: Well, it doesn't really matter ... you're both wishing for the same thing, right?

Joey: I can't tell you what I'm wishing for! Else...you know...won't come true!

Monica: Right! .. but we "know" what you're wishing for!

Joey: Can't really say!

Monica: I understand, but you're wishing for what we think you're wishing for, aren't you?

Joey: (slightly irritated)I'm not really comfortable with these questions!

Rachel, Chandler and Monica: Please, just do it!

Phoebe: One, two, three!

(they break the wishbone)

Joey: I won, hey!

Ross: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys - just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! (rubs lamp, stops because it's very hot) Ah!! That thing gets hot!!

Rachel: You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do win?

Ross: Uh, you're not gonna win.

Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be all like "oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai"

Ross: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that.

Chandler: I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm".

Ross: Why would I eat my own arm?

Chandler: Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want.

Monica: You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you.

Ross: Why?

Monica: Because I know that you think the lottery is "boohaki" but we're all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this.

Ross: You don't have to do that, I'll pay for myself. But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys - that's so sweet! Come here (they kiss and hug)

Phoebe: Get a room!

Chandler: Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win?

Ross: I don't know, probably just invest it.

Chandler: Ooh! Calm down ...

Joey: Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it?

Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "invest it"? I meant "be cool and piss it all away" (Joey and Chandler pleased)

Joey: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks!

Rachel: I don't really care about the Knicks.

Joey: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward.

Rachel: (touched) You would do that? I never get picked!

Chandler: You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go.

Joey: You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can't believe you're taking this away from me!

Chandler: You're right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds.

Ross: (to Rachel) Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, Mommy?

(pause)

Chandler: (looks around) I'll take this one too (to Ross) Uh ... Mommy?

Ross: Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling Rachel "Mommy" when we're around Emma. Which I now realize we are not ...

Rachel: I'm hoping that if she hears it enough it will be her first word.

Ross: Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too.

Phoebe: Oooh, I like that, "daddy" (in a sexy tone)

Ross: I ... I was just talking about Rachel.

Phoebe: (still in sexy tone) Oooh, is daddy getting angry? Is daddy gonna spank me?

Ross: (tries to be sexy too) Well that depends ... have you been a baaad gi .. (stops) no I can't.

(Phone rings, Chandler picks up)

Chandler: Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? ... What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright, bye. (hangs up)

Joey: Dude, I'm sorry. But hey, there's one spot left, right?

Chandler: Well no, Charlie's gonna get that.

Monica: Hey, don't say that! You got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job!

Chandler: He's the boss's son.

Monica: Come on, lottery!! (everybody cheers)

Rachel: Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes.

Monica: Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we've won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? (doesn't let them answer) Ok, how about this: we divide them into 6 groups of 40, and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Rachel: Ooh, I have another idea!

Monica: I'm sorry, idea time is over.

Phoebe: Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: What about the ones you have on the nightstand?

Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand!

Chandler: Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago.

(Rachel get suspicious)

Monica: Un, no you didn't! You must be mistaken!

Chandler: Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand!

Monica: Chandler, sense the tone!!

(Rachel comes out of their bedroom waving tickets)

Rachel: Well, well, well, look what mommy found!!

(everyone's shocked)

Monica: Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler.

Phoebe: Uh! The psychic also said that I would be betrayed.

Ross: I can't believe this, I thought we were all in this together!

Monica: Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago!

Ross: 3 minutes ago!!! I don't know why that's important ...

Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut, when did you even get those?

Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!

Joey: (to Ross) I'll show you how.

Rachel: Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your "special" tickets win? How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends?

Monica: Please ... if I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for 3 days!

Rachel: Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong?

Chandler: (to Mon) She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us ...

Monica: Ahhh! (shocked)

Chandler: Let me finish ... (to everyone else) however, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from Rachel)

Monica: There's the man I married!!

Rachel: All right, believe me.If you win the lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us!

Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you!

Rachel: (surprised) OH! Alright, you know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets (picks up the bowl)!

Joey: Yeah, I want my tickets too (takes the bowl from Rachel)! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah!

Ross: Than I want mine, too (takes the bowl from Joey)! And if I win I'm gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond.

Phoebe: Oh, you guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together (takes the bowl from Ross and puts it on the table)

Monica: No, no! We should divide them up (picks up the bowl) and I should get extra because we used my card to buy them!

Joey: Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This all thing was my idea! (takes the bowl from Monica)

Chandler: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!

Rachel: Ok, that's it! Just give'em to me! I'll split them up! (she tries to snatch the bowl from Joey's hands but she can't, so she pinches his nipple and she manages to take it)

Joey: (in pain) Oh!

Phoebe: (she takes the bowl from Rachel's hands and she starts running around the room and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH!

Ross: (trying to stop her) Hey, hey!!

Phoebe: (keeping on running and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH! (she stops) Fine, I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this! (she goes out to the balcony)

Rachel: Oh, if she jumps, I get her tickets.

Joey: No, no! (they all go towards the balcony but they get jammed in the window)

Phoebe: If we are not doing it together, we're not doing it at all! So, say goodbye to your tickets! (She holds out the bowl, and makes as to drop the tickets on the street).

Everyone: NO!!

Phoebe: Don't come any closer!

Chandler: Can I come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished...

Phoebe: No, what's more important, your friends or money?

Everyone but Monica: Friends!

Monica: Money! (they all look at her) Friends...

Phoebe: Hey Monica, what about your extra tickets?

Monica: They're all in there! Even these five that I hid in my bra (takes some tickets out of her bra and gives them to Phoebe)...

Ross: Monica!

Phoebe: Ok, good! (pause) You guys were so scared! There was no way I was gonna dump this...(a pigeon swoops down, scaring Phoebe who drops the bowl on the street) Oh God, no! (pause) I think I broke your bowl.

Ross: Go, go, go!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.]

(All are returning from the street after picking up dropped lottery tickets)

Phoebe: What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets. And the wind sure made it fun.

Monica: Phoebe, we lost half of them.

Phoebe: So, what? Monica, we have the winning ticket! My psychic said I was gonna win, remember?

Ross: Weird.. your psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon...

Phoebe: As a matter of fact she said that's how I am going to die. (pause ) So, excuse me for being a little skittish.

Chandler: (looking at the answering machine) Hey, there's two messages. These could be from work!

Monica: Oh, play them!

Chandler: Ok, here we go! (he pushes the play button)

Message: (Phoebe's voice) "Hello. Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise" (they all turns to look at Phoebe) "I sh.. I shouldn't have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady's hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo."

(they all keep staring at Phoebe)

Phoebe: Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do.

Second message: "Hey Chandler, it's Charlie"

Chandler: This is..shhh!

Second Message: "Listen, oh... it turns I got the last spot. I'm really sorry man, it was a lot of fun working with you. Give me a call if you want."

Monica: Oh God, I am so sorry honey...

All: Oh, so sorry man! Sorry!

Rachel: Oh, it is so unfair. It's like that time they promoted Sandra over me at work.

Chandler: Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren?

Rachel: No, she was just much better at job than me!

Phoebe: Guys, the drawing is about to start!

Rachel: (To Ross) You know what? We should call my mum's house and say goodnight to Emma before she goes down.

Ross: Oh yeah, it's a good idea!

Monica: (she hugs Chandler) Honey, you've been really strong about this, I know how badly you wanted that job.

Chandler: Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. (pause) But... let's go win the lottery... I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right?

Monica: (she draws out a ticket from a pocket of her pants) 131! (they kiss)

Ross: (on the phone) Goodnight sweetheart! I love you. And remember, you're daddy's little girl... (covering the phone, to Rachel) Phoebe's totally ruined that for me... (he passes the receiver to Rachel)

Rachel: Hi mum, put her back on!

Joey: (sitting on the sofa in front of the tv) Rach, come on! They are announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing.

TV: "Here we are, the official Powerball numbers! We have 53"

Chandler: I got that!

Ross: Oh, we have one too!!

Monica: We are on a roll, people!!

Ross: (calling Rachel) Come on!!

Rachel: (on the phone) Mum, please!I know you love your new lips, but I can barely understand you! Would you, please, just let me say goodnight to my daughter?

TV: "And number 29! Here we go! The Powerball is 7"

Monica: Check your numbers! Make me rich!

Rachel: (she goes towards the others and she's very excited) Guys, you're not gonna believe this! I was just saying goodnight to Emma and she said her first words!!

All: Wow!

Joey: And what did she say?

Rachel: She said "gleba"!! (she celebrates)

(they just look at her for a moment; then they go back to checking the tickets)

Monica: Make me rich!!

Rachel: (to Ross) Isn't that amazing?

Ross: Oh yeah, no no no...that's great!

Rachel: Why-why aren't you more excited?

Ross: Oh, Rach...oh..."gleba" is not a word.

Rachel: Oh, but of course it is!

Ross: Okay, what does it mean?

Rachel: I don't know all the words.

Ross: I'm just, I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first words (goes back to checking the tickets).

Ross: Yes you did, gleba is a word!

Ross: Ok, use it in a sentence.

Rachel: Ok... "Emma just said gleba"!

Ross: It's not a word!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, fine, I'm gonna look it up (she goes and picks up the dictionary).

Ross: Oh, oh, ok, great. You know what, while you're at it she said another word the other day, why don't you, why don't you look up: pbbqqt....

(Rachel glares at him)

Rachel: (searching the dictionary) Alright, okay, okay, gleba, gleba... (excited) Gleba! Ha! Here it is: the fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi.

(Rachel shows Ross the definition on the dictionary, giving him a smug look; then she squints at the dictionary, as though unsure what to make out of it)

Ross: She's gonna be a scientist! (kisses Rachel on the head, very moved)

Joey: (checking the last ticket) Damnit! anybody got anything?

Chandler: No.

Phoebe: I'm still looking through mine...

Monica: Just double checking (does so)...no, no, no...(takes off a shoe and takes a ticket out of it) No!

(phone rings)

Monica: (answering phone) Hello? Hold on. It's your boss.

Chandler: Ah, the "I'm sorry I rejected you" phone call. I'm not used to getting it from guys. (on the phone, getting up from the sofa) Hey, Steve.

Steve: Chandler, hi! I'm sure you've heard we filled the three positions. We just felt that with your maturity and experience, you wouldn't be happy being someone's assistant.

Chandler: Oh no no no no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant! Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And I'm not too mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks!

Steve: Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program. We're offering you the position of junior copywriter.

Chandler: Me, that guy who just said butt cracks?

Steve: Yes, that's right. We're excited about the level of sophistication you'll be bringing to the job.

Chandler: Ok well, thanks, you won't regret it. I'll see you tomorrow (hangs up).

(he idly goes to the sofa, starts browsing a magazine. Everybody stares at him)

Chandler: What? (pause) Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter.

Everybody: (excited) Oh my God, congratulations!

Monica: Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you!

Chandler: Does that mean I get the good loving tonight?

Monica: You bet! No TV or anything! (she gets up from the sofa and goes to the kitchen area)

Joey: (to Chandler) Hey, that is so great about the job.

Chandler: Thanks, man.

Joey: And I like to think I had a little something to do with it.

Chandler: Really? What?

Joey: Well, before, with the wishbone... I didn't wish we would win the lottery, I wished you'd get the job.

Chandler: (smiling, surprised) Oh yeah? (looks towards the kitchen, worried) Listen, don't tell Monica, she'll rip your heart right out.

Joey: Oh yeah.

Rachel: You know what? There is a little part of me that really thought we were gonna win.

Ross: Me too. So much for my dinosaur/Amelia Earhart theme park.

Phoebe: You guys, what was the Powerball number again?

Monica and Ross: Seven.

Phoebe: We won.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: We won!

Monica: Let me see!

(they all jump up excitedly and try to see the ticket)

Phoebe: Don't tear it.

Ross: Phoebe, you don't have any of the first five numbers.

Phoebe: I know that, but look, we've got the Powerball number, we've won 3 dollars!

Chandler: Wow, you'd think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout.

Phoebe: (still very excited) I don't care, I've never won anything before, I can't believe this!

Rachel: So Pheebs, what are you going to do with your $3?

Phoebe: It's not all mine. We all get 50 cents.

Monica: You know what? You can have mine.

Chandler: Me too.

Joey: Me too.

Rachel: Me too.

(they all look at Ross)

Ross: I guess if everybody else is...

Closing credits

[Scene: Central Perk. They're all sitting there as usual, except Joey. Gunther is serving a nearby table.]

(Joey comes in from the back of the coffee house)

Joey: (sitting in a chair) Hey guys, so I just called the Powerball hotline, can you believe it? Nobody won.

Phoebe: I beg to differ (shows him her cup of coffee and her plate of cookies).

Gunther: Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier, and he found the ticket on the street, right outside, and won $10,000 (goes to the counter).

(They all glare evilly at Phoebe)

Phoebe: (hides her mouth behind the cup and speaks in the "pigeon voice" from before) Coo, again. Don't blame the pretty lady. It was not her fault. It was me, the pigeon, coo! (pause) Seriously, stop staring at her.

(Joey stares around dumbly looking for the "talking pigeon")

Friends

919 - The one with Rachel's dream

Teleplay: Mark Kunerth

Story: Dana Klein

Directed by: Terry Hughes

Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment]

Joey: (talking to a pineapple in his hand) God, you're beautiful...why are we fighting this?You know you want it to happen as much as I do.

(Rachel comes out of her room and starts staring at him unseen)

Joey: I want you.I need you.Let me make love to you.

Rachel: I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less.

Joey: Oh, ehm...I'm...I'm rehearsing my lines.They gave me a big romantic story on Days Of Our Lives. It's the first time my character's got one. I'm so nervous, you know, I really want it to be good!

Rachel: Woow!I haven't seen you this worked up since you did that dog food commercial and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog!

Joey: Yeah, that was a disappointment...(pause) Oh, hey!D'you want to come down to the set and tell me if I'm doing ok?

Rachel: (excited) Are you serious?

Joey: Yeah!Hey, you just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again.

Rachel: Hey, that was an honest mistake!

Joey: Right!(he starts to ape her)"Oh my God, is this the men's room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor?" (he inclines his head as if to look at a man's private parts)

Rachel: Yeah, that was an awesome day!

Opening credits

[Scene: Central Perk]

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hi!

Monica: So, do you guys wanna come and eat dinner at the restaurant sometime in the next few weeks?

Phoebe: Sure!

Ross: I'd love to!

Monica: Well you can't! We're booked solid for the next month!

Phoebe: Well, I can't give you a massage, because my licence has been revoked again!

Ross: Phoebe, what happened?

Phoebe: Well, it was an accident...You know, it's a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips!

(Chandler enters)

Chandler: (To Monica) Have I got a surprise for you? Pack your bags!

Phoebe: Oh no!You guys aren't supposed to get divorced for 7 years!

Chandler: What? No, I'm taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont (shows them a brochure)!

Phoebe: Oh, good!Ok, good for you!Try to recapture the magic!

Chandler: So, what do you say? Can you get out of work?

Monica: Oh, honey!I can't. I was just telling these guys that things are crazy at the restaurant!

Chandler: Are you really that busy?

Monica: Yeah, I'm sorry. I really am.

Chandler: Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. (on the phone) "Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to change it (pause) Oh, what do you mean it's not refundable? Can I just come some other time? (pause) Oh, can't you make an exception?"

Monica: Tell them I'm a chef in a big New York restaurant!

Phoebe: And tell them that in 2 weeks I will once again be a masseuse in good standing!

Chandler: (on the phone) "Look, this is ridiculous! I'm not paying for that room! Ok?" (pause) "Oh, thank you very much!" (hangs up) Yeah, I'm going to Vermont...

Ross: Oh, don't worry about it! Just use your travel insurance.

Chandler: I don't have travel insurance.

Ross: Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge!

Monica: Why don't you take Ross?

Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...

Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!

Ross: (browsing the brochure) I guess...It still seems a little...(enthusiastically) moonlight boat ride!!

[Scene: Days of Our Lives' Studios]

Rachel: Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity?

Joey: I don't know, but one of the extras sure did! (pause) Hey, listen Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes!

Rachel: Oh, please!Honey, just the fact that you want me here to support you, I'm...OH MY GOD!Is that Christian Sanders?He's so gorgeous!

Joey: Also so gay!

Rachel: Oh, in my head he's done some pretty "not-gay-stuff"!

Joey: Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa did some definitely gay stuff!

Director: Joey, Joey! We're ready for you!

Joey: Oh, wish me luck!

Rachel: Ok, not that you need it but good...GOD!Is that Chase Lassiter?He's straight, right?

Joey: Rach, I gotta say...if you weren't here wondering if these guys were gay I don't know if I could do this!

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.I'm sorry, good luck! (they hug)

Director: On a bell please! Quietly.. and ACTION!

(the scene starts.Joey enters and there's a girl wearing a wedding dress near a bed)

Actress/Olivia: Drake! What are you doing in here?

Joey/Drake: Stopping you from marrying the wrong man and making the biggest mistake of your life.

Actress/Olivia: Get out!

Joey/Drake: You don't love him!

Actress/Olivia: What do you know about love?

Joey/Drake: I know what I felt that night when we kissed under the bridge.

Actress/Olivia: That kiss never happened.

Joey/Drake: Oh, what about this one.

(the actress slaps him)

Rachel: (watching a television where the scene is shown, startled) OH!

Actress/Olivia: No, I told you...get out!

Joey/Drake: Fine. I'll go. But let me ask you one question...

Chase Lassiter: (talking to Rachel) You look familiar, have we...

Rachel: SSSHHHHTTT!!He's asking her a question!!

Joey/Drake: Can you really live the rest of your life never knowing what we could have been?

Actress/Olivia: I don't have a choice...

Joey/Drake: Yes, you do.Yes...you do. I'm the one who doesn't have a choice because I...because I can't stop loving you.

Actress/Olivia: Don't say that...

Joey/Drake: Tell me to stop, just...tell me to stop. (he's about to kiss her)

Director: CUT!

Rachel: NO! (pause) Or, cut!You know, that's your call!

[Scene: Monica's restaurant]

1st Customer: Everything was delicious!

Monica: Thank you!

2nd Customer: It was. The duck in particular was superb.

Monica: Thank you!(she looks at the 3rd customer waiting for a compliment) You haven't said anything...

3rd Customer: Actually I do have one small complaint.

Monica: Oh..please!I-I welcome criticism.

3rd Customer: The musician right outside the restaurant...it's kind of a mood-killer!

Monica: What musician?

[Scene: Outside the restaurant]

Phoebe: (playing guitar and singing) And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Olè!

Monica: What are you doing here!

Phoebe: Well, you said that you had customers lined up in the street, so I am here to entertain!

Monica: Great!

Phoebe: Yeah! It really has been great too, you know, some of this people must have seen me play before because they were requesting a bunch of my songs! Yeah, "You suck" and "shut up and go home".

Monica: Listen Phoebe...

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: You know how much I love listening to your music, you know, but...

Phoebe: But what?

Monica: This is kind of a classy place.

Phoebe: (pause) Ok, say no more.

[Time lapse: Phoebe in front of restaurant again]

Phoebe: (with a fancy dress, still playing and singing): It wasn't just that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbage! Everyone! It wasn't just that she was fat the woman smelled like garbaaaaaage! (to Monica, showing her dress) Classy, uh?

(Monica covers her face with her hands)

[Scene: hall of the romantic inn in Vermont]

Chandler: Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a reservation.

Receptionist: Welcome to the Chestnut Inn Mr. Bing, so where are you joining from?

Chandler: New York.

Ross: (in a strange voice and eating candies) The big apple!

Chandler: I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here.

Ross: Yeah, I ate all my gifts for everybody.

Receptionist: I am sorry Mr. Bing, there's no record of your reservation in the computer.

Chandler: Well, that's impossible, can you check again, please?

Ross: (high pitched voice) Check again please!

Receptionist: I'm sorry, it's not here.

Ross: Not there.

Chandler: Let me get this straight. I called yesterday trying to cancel my reservation and I was told it was not refundable, then we drove six hours all the way up here and now you tell me that we don't have a reservation?

Receptionist: I don't know what to say.

Ross: (mumbling) She doesn't know what to say!

Chandler: Just give us the cheapest room you have.

Receptionist: Unfortunatly the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite, the rate is six hundred dollars.

Chandler: That's insane!

Ross: Totally insane. Dude, let's drive home, we'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back and if...if they're closed maybe we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves.

Chandler: Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? (pause) We'll take it.

Receptionist: Great.

Chandler: (aside, to Ross) What!? They are totally ripping us off!

Ross: Dude, don't worry 'bout it! I know how we can make your money back! This is a nice hotel, you know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those! Like those apples. Instead of taking one, I'm... I take six!

Chandler: Great, at a hundred dollars an apple, we're there!

Ross: C'mon, you get the idea, ow-ow-ow we'll make our money back in no time!

Chandler: Dude, you're shaking!

Ross: I think it's the sugar, could you hold the apple?

[Scene: Joey's apartment]

Rachel: Hi!

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Joey, I gotta tell ya, I've been thinking all day about that scene you did, I mean, you were amazing!

Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me!

Rachel: God, you have to tell me what happens tomorrow!

Joey: Ow, I'm just going over the script now! You wanna read lines with me?

Rachel: Me? Oh, no, I am not an actress.

Joey: Oh, all right, I can ask Monica.

Rachel: Oh screw her, that part is mine!

Joey: Right... (pause) ok, so just from the top of the page, right here.

Rachel: Okay. (pause).(acting) Hello Drake, I'm surprised to see you here.

Joey/Drake: I can't believe you married him.

Rachel/actress: But what choice did I have. He was keeping my sister in a dungeon!

Joey/Drake: So what about us? Everything we feel for each other.

Rachel/actress: It's over! You have to accept that.

Joey/Drake: How can I? Knowing I'll never hold you in my arms again, or touch your skin, or feel your lips, knowing I'll never make love to you? How can I accept that... I can never kiss you again when it's all I can do not to kiss you right now.

Rachel: (pause) Kiss me.

Joey: What?

Rachel: Kiss me.

Joey: Ah, Rach, it doesn't say that!

Rachel: No, I'm saying...

Joey: but, but..

Rachel: just... don't talk... (she kisses him)

[Scene: Rachel's bedroom]

Rachel: (waking up) Ehhh, aw! (pause). Well, that's new!

[Scene: Hotel's room]

Ross: (on the phone) Hi, this is Ross Geller in suite 206. It seems you forgot a couple of things. Could you have some complimentary toiletries sent up to my room? (pause) Thank you! Ok. Toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash, deodorant, dental floss, band aids, shaving cream, after shave... and I feel like I am forgetting something... Is there anything else you have that I haven't asked for already? (pause) Yeah, go ahead, send up some tampons.

(Chandler enters the room)

Ross: What did you get?

Chandler: USA Today

Ross: Nice, put it with the others.

Chandler: And I also got... two more apples.

Ross: We are four short of a bush-o (pause). God I feel so alive, I love being in the country!

Chandler: I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant.

Ross: Oh, that's not cool.

Chandlers: Dude, none of this is cool.

Ross: No, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking what the hotel owes you. For example: hair drier, no, no, no, but shampoo and conditioners, yes, yes, yes. (pause) Now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but the salt (he opens the salt shaker and pours the salt into his hand) I wish I'd thought this through.

Chandler: I think I know what you mean though...the lamp is the hotel's, but the bulbs (goes to take the bulb)...oh, you already got that.

Ross: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.

Chandler: Ok, how about this (picks up the remote control)?

Ross: No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!

Chandler: Yes, but the batteries...

(Ross claps his hands)

Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much!

Ross: Let's celebrate with some maple candy!

Chandler: No!

Ross: At least tell me where you hid it.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the sofa]

Rachel: Can I ask you a question?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: Have you ever had any weird romantic dreams?

Monica: Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese, and on our wedding night I ate his head.

Rachel: Ok, well this is like that...in no way. I had a...I had a dream last night that I wanted to kiss Joey.

Monica: Wow, do you mean like kiss him-kiss him?

Rachel: Oh yeah! I mean, that was pretty intense.

Monica: What do you think brought than on?

Rachel: I don't know! I mean, maybe that's something to do with the fact that I saw him do a love scene yesterday.

Monica: A love scene? With who?

Rachel: Olivia.

Monica: Olivia? I thought she was marrying Connor! (pause) Oh right, real life more important.

Rachel: So do you think that my dream means anything?

Monica: I don't know. I mean, you saw him do a love scene, so maybe you don't have a thing for Joey, maybe you have a thing for Drake.

Rachel: Ah! Well it was Joey reading Drake's lines in the dream...

Monica: Of course it was! Trust me, when it comes to psychology I know what I'm talking about. I took two psych classes in college.

Rachel: You took the same class twice.

Monica: It was hard!

(Phoebe comes in)

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel and Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Here, Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at the restaurant (she dons a top hat) uh, huh wait! (she raises a pair of spectacles to her eyes) Right? I mean, this might even class up the ballad of the uncircumcised man.

Monica: Oh...Phoebe? Maybe I wasn't clear before. I really love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is sort of an upscale place.

Phoebe: Right, yeah, ok, I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault.

Monica: Phoebe, it's not what you wear. It's sort of your songs... I just don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore.

Phoebe: Oh, ok. Fine, I'll just, I'll take the hat back (she puts the hat in a bag and she crushes it angrily on the floor with her foot).

(silence)

Rachel: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work...

Phoebe: My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?

Rachel: Ok, we're still on that.

Monica: I didn't say your songs were not good enough.

Phoebe: Then what's wrong with them? Would they not go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?

Monica: Tiny portions?

Phoebe: Yeah well, "excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but (peering through her spectacles) I can't see it, I can't see it"!

Monica: Phoebe, it's not about quantity.

Phoebe: Well...it's not about quality.

Monica: Oh really, you want to talk about quality? Have you heard of a key? It's what some people sing in.

Phoebe: Well at least all my songs don't taste like garlic. Yeah, there are other ingredients Monica.

Monica: Ok, so that's what we're doing. You know, when I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing ear plugs.

Phoebe: Ear plugs, or cloves of garlic?

Monica: You know what? I take back what I said before. You keep playing at the restaurant, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales are going up like crazy.

Phoebe: What are people having, the garlic Martini?

[Scene: Hotel's reception]

Receptionist: Here's your copy of the bill, we hope you enjoyed your stay.

Chandler: Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps.

(the receptions is puzzled. She goes in the back.)

Chandler: Oh, I didn't factor in the room tax.

Ross: Oh dude, don't worry about it, I found an unattended maid's car. We're way ahead of the game.

(they make as if to go, but Ross notices something)

Ross: Oh my god.

Chandler: What?

Ross: There's something new in the bowl.

Chandler: Look, we have enough, just walk away.

Ross: No, but I want...I want the pinecones!

Chandler: There's a forest right outside.

Ross: It's not the same.

Chandler: Ok, go quick!

(Ross starts stuffing pinecones in the suitcase. As the receptionist walks in, Chandler makes a bird's verse and Ross stops)

Ross: (to the receptionist) Thank you for a delightful stay.

(he picks up the suitcase, which falls open, revealing all the stuff they have taken from the hotel. The receptionist just looks at them.)

Ross: Oh, my maple candy!

[Scene: In front of Monica's restaurant. Phoebe is playing]

Phoebe: (singing) Food here at 'Javu'..will kill you..the food here at 'Javu' ...will kill you..

(Monica comes out)

Monica: Thank god, it's just you! I thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against the wall.

Phoebe: You'd better get back in that kitchen Monica, the garlic is not gonna overuse itself.

Monica: Ok, you have to stop playing now.

Phoebe: Why? The only person my playing is bothering is you!

Monica: Oh yeah? Ok, let's settle this, come on!

Phoebe: (while Monica drags her in the restaurant) Get your garlic-peelers off me!

Monica: (to the restuarant customers) Excuse me, excuse me, hi, I'm Monica Geller..I'm the head chef here.. (pauses as if waiting for something).. Ok, I was actually expecting a little applause there, but whatever! Ok, quick question: by a show of hands, how many of you were bothered by this woman's singing outside? (a few people raise their hands)

Phoebe: Ok, ok, how many of you enjoyed the music outside? (a few people raise their hands) Ha!

Monica: Alright, let me ask you this question: How many of you thought the music was fine, but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? (a few raise their hands again).

Phoebe: Ok, well, who identified the tone of this restaurant as pretentious comma garlicky?

Monica: Ok who thinks the food is delicious and a little pretention never hurt anyone? (a few raise their hands)

Phoebe: Ok, well, alright, who thinks the food is fine, the music was fine, but your evening was ruined by this incessant poll taking? (all raise their hands).

Monica: Excuse us! (then to Phoebe) Alright here's a question: Who was so worried about her restaurant being fancy that she made a big deal about her friend playing her music and feels really bad about it now? (raises her hand)

Phoebe: Oh...Who was so stupid and stubborn that she lashed out against her friend's cooking which she actually thinks is pretty great! (raises her hand)

Monica: I'm sorry...

Phoebe: I'm sorry too... (they hug)

Monica: ooohh... hey! Wanna stick around and I'll whip you up some dinner?

Phoebe: Yeah! As long as it's free! Food here is ridiculously over-p...

(Monica seems to take it amiss)

Phoebe: (smiling, raising her hand) Who's hoping the hand raising thing is still cute enough that you won't hate me?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Rachel walks in]

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head?

Joey: (Touches the back of his head and licks his fingers) Oh man! I thought I got it all!

Rachel: (looks puzzled) How...how...?

Joey: I was making a peanut butter smoothy, right?

Rachel: uh-huh

Joey: And I couldn't find this little plastic thing (holds up plastic thing) that goes on top of the blender...and I thought...well... how important can that be, right...? Turns out very!

Rachel: (to herself) Wow...definitely just Drake...

Joey: What?

Rachel: What...how is it going with Drake?

Joey: Oh...I don't think it's going very well...

Rachel: What...that scene I saw was so good!

Joey: Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow...

Rachel: Joey, is this that thing that you do when you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment?

Joey: A little. Yeah no, I really am worried, you know, I mean I have to make it convincing that I'm in love with Olivia.

Rachel: So?

Joey: So...I've never played that!

Rachel: Ooh! Honey, it can't be that hard, I mean, you've been in love before?

Joey: Uh...well...just once...with you...

Rachel: Ok...this could be a little awkward...I'm just going to blow past it... well can't you just use that method actor thing where you use your real life memories to help you in your performance?

Joey: (looks at her for a moment) What the hell are you talking about??

Rachel: (shakes her head) Alright, alright look, just uh... just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when you're playing the scene.

Joey: (approvingly) Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah ok, there's this party scene coming up.. and Olivia and her husband are there and all Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can't... And that makes me think about all those times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didn't know so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really, it was killing me.

Rachel: (looks touched) Joey, you never..you never talked about that before...

Joey: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There's a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom, and she doesn't know he's there - which never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at her... you know? (In a romantic voice) And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your make-up, when I would think to myself, my God, she...is... beautiful... (Rachel looks very moved) and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could never tell you (pauses, while looking at her with sentiment) but it was worth it just to be there looking at you.

(Joey and Rachel continue to look at each other in silence for a while)

Joey: (excited) Thanks dude!!!This is GREAT!! (leaves Rachel very touched on the couch and goes into his room)

Closing credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartement, Monica is at the kitchen table writing something and Chandler enters kitchen area]

Chandler: I got you something from Vermont! (Sits down at the table)

Monica: (without looking up from what she's doing) Besides tampons and salt? (Then looks) Ooh! My God! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. (Opens the box) That's weird...it's empty!

(Then Ross enters)

Ross: (sounds excited) Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out...or...? (Looks around the room nervously) do you...do you guys hear a buzzing?

Friends

920 - The One With The Soap Opera Party

Teleplay: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Story: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Directed by: Sheldon Epps

Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Monica's apartment]

Joey: (enters the room) Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night?

Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Well, let me see... I-I believe I'm... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.

Joey: Look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play.

Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play.

Phoebe: What is it?

Joey: It's a one-woman play called "Why don't you like me: a bitter woman's journey through life".

Monica: It sounds interesting!

Ross: Yeah, it does sound interesting, I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours, I don't think it gets bett... (Ross starts snoring, faking to fall asleep)

Phoebe: I know, I know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what more do these broads want?

Joey: You guys are gonna have a great time, I promise!

Ross: What? How come that you don't have to go!

Joey: I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can't go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.

Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Uh, let's see, who do I hate?

Rachel: (gets up from the sofa and moves to the kitchen but Joey blocks her way) Oh, sorry... Oops, sorry.

Joey: (lifts Rachel up and moves her behind him so she can walk on) Hey, here you go.

Rachel: Ooh... oooh... (pause) (Rachel is all bah-jiggity about Joey) oh, ah... (pause) (to Monica) Can I ask you a question?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: Do you think it's possible for two friends to fool around and... and not have it be a big deal?

Monica: No, I don't think it ever works. Why?

Rachel: No reason.

Monica: No, no, Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah

Monica: Who do you wanna fool around with?

Rachel: (with high pitched voice) Nobody, forget it!

(Monica points at Joey, Rachel turns and sees him)

Rachel: (giggling and whispering) Maybe.

Monica: (whispering) You can't!

Rachel: (whispering) Why? (Monica gesticulates mumbling something that starts with "because") Seriously I did not understand a word that you said.

Monica: In the hall.

[Scene: In the hall]

Monica: You wanna fool around with Joey?

Rachel: Yeah! You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and can't get it out of my head! And what's the big deal, people do it all the time!

Monica: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around?

Rachel: Ok, off the top of my head... Don and Janet.

Monica: Who, who are they?

Rachel: I know them from work.

Monica: Both of them?

Rachel: No, one of them...

Monica: Which one?

Rachel: I don't know, what were the names I just said?

Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.

Rachel: All right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything with Joey, I just thought that we (Joey enters the hall) Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? (Joey enters his apartment)

Monica: What the hell are you cooking!

Opening credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross enters]

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Hey, you guys won't believe what I have to do for work today.

Chandler: Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.

Ross: (covering with his hand Chandler's face, like pretending he's not there) (to Monica) There're these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus.

Monica: What's so bad about that?

Ross: It's I just know they're gonna be a couple of windbags wearing tweed jackets with suede elbow patches.

Monica: (fingering her elbow): Ross?

Ross: (looking his elbow, where there's a patch) These aren't suede.

(a woman walks in)

Charlie: (to Gunther) Excuse me, I'm looking for someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller?

Gunther: No.

Ross: Hi, hi, I'm Ross Geller.

Charlie: Oh, hi. I'm professor Wealer.

Ross: Oh, oh, that's, that's, that's nice.

Charlie: It's a... It's good to meet you! Thank you so much for taking the time out to show me around.

Ross: Oh, no, it's no big deal, I mean, if I weren't doing this I'd just, you know, be at the gym working out.

Monica: (to Chandler) Is he gonna introduce us?

Chandler: (to Monica) No, I think we're just blurry shapes to him now.

Charlie: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.

Ross: Oh, ha, I wrote that in one minute.

Monica: (to chandler) Twenty bucks says they're married within the month.

Ross: (hitting Monica with his suitcase) (to Charlie) We should probably get going, you know, we got a lot of ground to cover.

Charlie: Oh, ah, isn't there another professor that is supposed to come with us?

Ross: I don't think so.

Charlie: I'm pretty sure, professor Spafford from Cornell?

Ross: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't come at all". (pause) An option that many of my students use. (pause) Shall we?

Charlie: You don't think we should wait for him?

Ross: You know what, he's a big boy, I'm sure he'll find us, ok?

Professor Spafford: Professor Geller?

Ross: Oh, damn it!

[Scene: Joey's apartment]

(Rachel enters the room and checks the answering machine)

Jane: (from the answering machine) Hi Joey it's Jane Rogers, can't wait for your party tonight. Listen, I forgot your address, can you give me a call? Thanks, bye.

Joey: (entering the room) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: What's happenin'?

Rachel: Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight.

Joey: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first

Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... (she plays the answering machine)

Message: "Hi Joey, it's Jane Rogers can't wait for your party tonight" (Joey's upset and stops it)

Joey: (yelling) Stupid Jane Rogers!!

Rachel: (angry) You are having a party tonight??

Joey: Kinda have a... a thing for the Days Of Our Life's people.

Rachel: And you weren't going to tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?

Joey: I do it every year.

Rachel: You do that every year??

Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!! I'm stupider than Jane Rogers!!

Rachel: Oh, that's why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid of us??

Joey: Yeah...

Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?

Joey: Yeah...

Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?

Joey: (Smiling) I can't believe you guys went for that one!

Rachel: Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties?

Joey: You're fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people!

Rachel: Well, then so you just invite me...!

Joey: (speaking aloud) Please, I was trying to be nice, you're the worst one!

Rachel: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please...

Joey: Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but don't tell anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8.

Rachel: (yelling and jumping like a child) OH, a soap opera roof party!! I'm going to a soap opera roof party!! Oh my God, oh my God!! (realizing how she's behaving) And it's out of my system!

[Scene: Ross, Charlie and Professor Spafford are sitting at the table in a restaurant]

Professor Spafford: (speaking very slowly) And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a sea food buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.

Ross: (very bored, he tries to avoid the conversation speaking to Charlie) So, where did you get your undergraduate degree?

Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to.

Ross: (to Charlie) Oh, it's not over!

Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds, and filberts...

Ross: So basically all nuts?

Professor Spafford: Interestingly... no.

Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "interesting".

Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me I'm going to use the restroom. (he goes away)

Charlie: Oh my God!!

Ross: I've lost the will to live.

Charlie: Let's ditch him!

Ross: What?

Charlie: Come on, he's still in the bathroom! I'm begging you!

Ross: Oh... ok, fine. But... ehm... I just have one question for you, ehm... (aping Professor Spafford) When we exit should we walk, or run, or prance, or stroll...

Charlie: Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Ok, let's go!! (they run outside)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]

Ross: (entering with Charlie) Oh, hey you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.

Phoebe: Hi!

Ross: Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my department.

Phoebe: Oh, you're a paleonthologist, too! (pause) Oh, ok, now, what do you think of Ranion's new theory of species' variegation in segmented arthopods?

Charlie: Well, I think he's a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas...

Phoebe: Ah, ah.

Charlie: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take this. Excuse me. (she cuts herself off for a moment)

Ross: (to Phoebe) Ranion's theory of species variegation?

Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized the title to freak you out!

Monica: (to Ross) So, did you two have fun?

Ross: Oh my God, she's great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and she's just cool, and funny...

Monica: And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a (aloud) HOTTY!! (Charlie looks at her) HI!

Rachel: (she enters wearing a bath-robe) Hey... Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? I'm not feeling really well. I think I can't get out for the play.

Ross: Really? Wh-what's wrong?

Rachel: I don't know! I think it's kind of serious! Oh, you know... I was watching this thing on TV this morning about... Newcastle disease... and I think I might have it!!

Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and... other poultry.

Rachel: ... Ok, who is this?

Ross: I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, she's a collegue.

Rachel: Oh, hi! I would check your hand but... I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease!

Monica: Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a sec?

Rachel: Sure! (Monica takes her apart) Oh...

Monica: You're not sick!

Rachel: What? Yes, I am!

Monica: Ok, then, why are you... (she opens her robe revealing a nice black dress) all dressed up??

Rachel: When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better! (she closes her robe)

Monica: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey!

Rachel: Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so not what this is!

Monica: Ok, what is this?

Rachel: Ok! (whispering) Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you!

Monica: (aloud) WHAT?

Ross: (looking at them) Wh-what's going on?

Monica: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof!

Rachel: And he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you!!

Charlie: I thought you came to say you were sick.

Rachel: Ok professor or detective?

Phoebe: Joey's having a party and he wasn't gonna invite us?

Rachel: Yeah, and he does it every year! That's why he's sending you to that play! That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory!

Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour!

Ross: No, I arranged that...

(Joey enters, wearing a bathrobe)

Joey: (sounds tired) Hey you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun.

Phoebe: We know about your party Joey.

Joey: What party?

Monica: The game's over! Take off your robe!

Joey: (looks perplexed and opens up his robe) Ok... I mean...

Everyone: No!! Cover it up!!

Joey: (to Charlie after covering himself up again) Nice to meet ya! (Charlie waves hesitantly and Joey leaves)

[Scene: The Roof]

Joey: (To some people) Hey! Hey alright! Hey, glad you could make it (Shakes a man's hand) Thanks for coming.

Monica: Oh my God! Kyle Lowder!

Kyle Lowder: (to Monica) Hi. (walks on)

Monica: (Yells after him) I love you!

Joey: Hey, that's why I didn't invite you. you have to calm down, alright... go, go get yourself a drink or something...

Monica: Oh yeah that's what you want - my inhibitions lowered.

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: (Excited) Oh my God, can you believe we are surrounded by all this? I can barely control myself.

Phoebe: Monica, you might want to remember that you are married. Where is Chandler anyway? (Looks around)

Monica: (Shocked) Oh my God! Chandler!

[Scene: The theater. Chandler is sitting in the otherwise empty front row, looking around nervously]

Chandler: Where the hell is everybody?

(The lights dim and Chandler tries to get away but as the bitter lady comes on stage and starts yelling he promptly changes his mind and sits down)

Bitter lady: (yelling) Why don't you like me?! Chapter One: My first period.

[Scene: The Roof, Rachel is talking to a guy who hands her a tissue with something written on it]

Monica: (to Rachel) Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if she's gettting one, then I want one too: To Monica. And none of this "best wishes" crap. I want "love".

Rachel: Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just giving me his phone number.

Monica: Oh man! If I had known I was coming to this party I never would have gotten married!

Matthew Ashford: It was nice to meet you Rachel.

Rachel: Nice to meet you.

Matthew Ashford: Call me.

Rachel: Ok

(Matthew leaves)

Monica: (yelling after him) We will!!

Monica: (to Rachel) Look at you with all the guys!

Rachel: Yeah!

Monica: I guess you have forgotten all about Joey?

Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly you've forgotten about Chandler!

Monica: Please... Chandler is the love of my life... (At which point a man in leather pants walks by)... oooh leather pants! Have Mercy! (Follows the man in the leather)

(cut to Ross and Charlie)

Ross: (to Charlie) So, eh... it's probably gonna be hard for you to leave Boston, huh?

Charlie: Actually, I'm kinda happy to be leaving... I just broke up with someeone.

Ross: Ooh... so sad... Still, it can't be easy for you to leave Harvard? Especially after working alongside a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Wintermeyer?

Charlie: Actually, Alby is the guy I broke up with.

Ross: You... you dated Albert Wintermeyer?

Charlie: Yeah...

Ross: ... And you called him Alby!? (laughs) I mean that's like... like calling Albert Einstein... er... Alby...

Charlie: Yeah, well, he is a brilliant man.

Ross: Eh, you think? I mean, you went out with a guy who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 10!

Charlie: Yes! And while that is everything one looks for in a boyfriend, he had a lot of issues...

Ross: (very interested) Oh! like what?! (Charlie looks at him confused, but smiling) Oh I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry... it's just that this must be what regular people experience when they watch "Access Hollywood".

Charlie: Ok, you want the dirt? Alby was seriously insecure. I mean, he was really intimidated by the guy I dated before him.

Ross: Who is intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize?

Charlie: A guy who won two.

Ross: (a little suprised) Two? Wha...? Don't tell me you dated Benjamin Hobart

Charlie: Yeah... for three years.

Ross: Oh my God! Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hasn't won the Nobel Prize?

Charlie: (smiling and thinks for a moment)... no... bu but there was my first boyfriend Billy.

Ross: Oh yeah? no, no Nobel Prizes for him?

Charlie: No, but he did just win the McArthur genius grant.

Ross: Huh... huh... what a loser! Some more wine? (takes the half-full glasses and goes to the counter)

Phoebe: Hey Ross!

Rache: How is it going with Charlie?

Ross: (sarcastically) Oh Great! After I finish my wine I'm going to blow my... eh. average-sized brains out.

Phoebe: Oh, What's the matter?

Ross: She... she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth.

Rachel: I always loved that!!

Ross: Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!! (Rachel nods) Man, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! oh my God!

Phoebe: Worse?

Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians... (gestures with his hands and says in an impression voice?) "Can we walk"? (Phoebe starts laughing) Oh, you... you like that?

Phoebe: (still laughing) No. (points to Rachel who stuck two straws in her mouth to look like a mammoth's tusks)

Ross: What? (turns around to look at Rachel)

Rachel: Come on! I think this is funny! (Ross leaves)

[Scene: Chandler in the theater]

Bitter lady: Well, I bet you are all thinkin' "Now would be a really great time for an intermission", huh?

Chandler: (To himself) oh yes, God yes!!

Bitter lady: (now yelling) Well, you're not gonna get one! Because in life there are no intermissions, people. Chapter 7: Divorce is a 4 letter word. (Now standing right in front of Chandler and bending down almost to his level as if speaking to him, yelling even louder) How could he leave me?!?!

Chandler: I... I don't know... you seem lovely.

[Scene: The roof, Joey is walking towards Ross with a guy]

Joey: Hey Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. (To Dirk) Dirk, this is my good friend Ross. (Ross and Dirk shake hands)

Ross: Nice to meet you.

Dirk: Hey! So what show are you on?

Ross: Oh, I'm no actor, I'm a professor of palaeontology.

(Dirk is confused)

Joey: It's a science.

Dirk: Oh! Hey well listen, I play a scientist on "Days". And my character has just won the Nobel prize.

(Ross looks annoyed hearing that even Dirk's character won a Nobel prize)

Joey: Hey Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering about the woman that you brought and if you guys were together, or...

Ross: Oh, well no, but I mean, she only goes out with really, really smart guys.

Dirk: Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs.

Ross: I'd lead with that.

(Cut to Monica holding up her shirt, revealing her bra. An actor stands beside her, holding a pen in his hand.)

Monica: That's it, just sign right on the bra (the actor does so).

Joey: Monica!

Monica: Don't worry Joe, I won't come next year!

(Joey, resigned, walks to Rachel's table)

Joey: (To Rachel) What have you got there?

Ross: Just some boys gave me their phone numbers.

Joey: Ah, let me see! (she hands him a pile of tissues) Damn, that's a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty?

Rachel: (drunken voice) I think I am.

Joey: (browsing the tissues) Let me see if I approve any of these clowns. This guy wears a rug (discards one). This guy's Canadian (discards another). And this guy is in a cult, ok, and it costs you 5,000$ to get to level three and I don't feel any different.

(Rachel is puzzled)

Joey: (discarding all the remaining tissues one by one) Pass, pass, oh, pass, double-pass, pass...

Rachel: (picking up the tissues) Why, why, what's wrong with these guys?

Joey: Nothing major, it's just that, you know, they're not really good enough for you, and you deserve the best.

Rachel: Joey, you're so sweet.

Joey: That's true. But you know what, it doesn't matter because I already know who you're gonna go home with tonight.

Rachel: Who (looks around)?

(Joey motions for Rachel to lean in. She does so.)

Joey: Me.

Rachel: (surprised) What? (with a nervous smile) Really?

Joey: Yes, 'cause we live together, that's a joke!

Rachel: Oh! Screw it, I didn't get it! (they high-five)

Joey: Gotcha.

Rachel: Oh, Very funny... Joey.

(Joey leaves. Rachel gulps down what's left of her drink and grimaces.)

(Chandler walks in)

Chandler: (to Monica) So, how did you enjoy the play?

Monica: Oh my god, honey, I'm so so so so so sorry.

Chandler: Well you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater.

Monica: You really liked it?

Chandler: Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldn't I, because as a man I've been trained (bitter woman's tone) not to listen! (pause) But after chapter 16: "fat, single and ready to mingle", I was uplifted.

Monica: Oh really!

Chandler: Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period!

Monica: No!

Chandler: Did somebody sign your bra?

Monica: So I got it when I was 13...

[Scene: At the counter. Ross is sitting there, drinking. Phoebe approaches him.]

Phoebe: Hey Ross! So listen, about you and the dinosaur girl, are you really just gonna let a couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is that, come on, a piece of paper?

Ross: It's actually a 1,000,000$ prize.

Phoebe: Go Charlie! But my point is, ok so she dated them but she also broke up with them. Maybe she's looking to, you know, slum it with some average Joe Phd.

Ross: Yeah, maybe. I do have my whole career in front of me. I mean, I can still win a Nobel prize. Although the last two papers I've written were widely discredited.

Phoebe: You're so much more than just brains! You're sweet, and kind, and funny...

Ross: And sexy.

Phoebe: Ok well give her a chance to see all of that!

Ross: Yeah, you're right, thanks Pheebs, I'm gonna go find her.

Phoebe: Good for you! And hey, I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian era was top notch!

Ross: Stop going through my stuff (walks away)!

(Rachel approaches Monica)

Rachel: (to Monica) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: I just wanted to let you know I've changed my mind: I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kiss Joey.

Monica: No, you can't! Friends hooking up is a bad idea.

Rachel: Please, what about you and Chandler?

Monica: That's different! I was drunk and stupid!

Rachel: Well hello (points to herself)!

Monica: What about all the guys that you've got the phone numbers from? Why don't you just kiss one of them?

Rachel: I could, I could but I don't want to! I want to kiss Joey!

Monica: Alright (shrugs). I think it's a big mistake but it's your decision.

Rachel: (pause) I'm gonna do it.

Monica: And I can't stop you.

Rachel: No.

(Rachel goes look for Joey. She sees him and Charlie kissing passionately.)

Ross: (to Rachel) Hey Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere?

(Rachel just stands there staring at Joey and Charlie in silence. After a while, Ross turns around and sees them.)

Ross: I'm smarter than him!

Closing credits

[Scene: The theater. Monica, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the first line]

Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.

Chandler: Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you.

Monica: Oh, you're so wonderful.

Bitter woman: Why don't you like me! Chapter one: my first period.

Chandler: Can't believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death (runs away).

Friends

921 - The one with the fertility test

Teleplay: Robert Carlock

Story: Scott Silveri

Directed by: Gary Halvorson

Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk]

Monica: It's so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie.

Ross: Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too ok? But SURPRISE!

Chandler: I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie's a girl, right?

Ross: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss.

Rachel: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls at the party, GOD!

Ross: Why do you care so much?

Monica: Yes Rachel, why do you care so much?

Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know... and I... want him to hook up with lots of women! (pause) I just... All I'm saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.

Ross: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils...

Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid!

Rachel: All right, so... Ross, you're ok with all this? I mean...

Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, I just met her and I'm fine with it...

(Joey and Charlie enter. Ross looks at her)

Ross: Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was!

Joey: Hey!

All: Hi!

Ross: I'm gonna get some more coffee.

Charlie: Oh, you know what? I'll come with you!

Ross: Ok. (they both go)

Chandler: (to Joey) So, a professor, uh?

Joey: Yeah! She is cool, and she's so smart! Her mind is totally acrimonious (which, being Joey, he mispronounces "amonious"). (pause) That's not how she used it...?

Charlie: (talking to Ross) I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don't ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties. I'm... well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I really hope you don't think less of me.

Ross: Uhm no! Think less of you! No, I don't think less of you. I mean, you saw someone you liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people who like someone and don't kiss them... those-those people are stupid, I hate those people.

Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral...

Ross: Yeah, I know the type.

Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close?

Opening credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look what I just got. (she shows them a pair of slippers)

Rachel: Oh, OH! Wow, I love those! Where did you get them?

Phoebe: I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.

Rachel: (after a pause) Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive!

Phoebe: Oh... then I overpaid. (she goes to the bathroom)

Monica: Hey, what's this?

Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO.

Monica: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains.

Rachel: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting...

Monica: Do you wanna go hunting?

Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option!!

Phoebe: (coming back from the bathroom) What's up? (she sees the gift certificate in Rachel's hands) Hey, Rachel!!

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: No, you can't go there! You know how I feel about these "big massage places"! They're putting people like me out of business!

Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!!

Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks!

Phoebe: Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok? It's about... it's about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us... the hollow shells.

Rachel: I don't care about any of that!!

Phoebe: Well, do you care about friendship?

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend.

Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I won't use it!

Phoebe: Promise?

Rachel: I promise.

Phoebe: Thank you. (she tears up the gift certificate)

Rachel: But I am going hunting!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]

Monica: (entering) Hey honey! I missed you today!

Chandler: Oh, yeah?

Monica: Yeah. (they kiss) What d'you wanna do tonight?

Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe we could... (he sweeps the stuff off the table and wordlessly invites Monica to have sex on it)

Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank.

Chandler: We really need to take those tests?

Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests.

Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup!

Monica: What is the big deal?

Chandler: It's weird! In a doctor's office?

Monica: It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell?

Chandler: (embarrassed) I cannot believe Ross told you that! (pause) And in my defense, it was a Wendy's!

Monica: Look, I don't wanna do this test either, but I really do think it's a good idea!

Chandler: Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory!

Monica: (really embarrassed) OH!

Chandler: Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO!

[Scene: Joey's apartment]

Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says that wine has to cost more than milk!

(somebody knocks the door, Joey opens and it's Charlie)

Joey: Heeey!

Charlie: Hi!

Joey: Come on in, how are ya?

Charlie: I'm good!

Joey: Can I offer you a drink?

Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword for a friend's book...

Joey: Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go (looking scared) ohhhh!

Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. And I can't wait to start exploring the city!

Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide... (point to himself)

Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun!

Joey: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Ok, what do you wanna see first?

Charlie: Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall.

Joey: (looking puzzled and nodding) Ok!

Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library.

Joey: I know, yeah!

Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET!

Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees.

Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular!

Joey: Which one, they all suck!

Charlie: The museum!

Joey: (looking puzzled) I don't think so.

[Scene: SPA massage center, Rachel enters]

Rachel: (to the receptionist) Hi there!

Receptionist: (in an affected tone) Hello, welcome to Lavender Day Spa SPA. How may I help you?

Rachel: Oh, hi. I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green, and here is my gift certificate.

Receptionist: This has been torn up.

Rachel: And... taped back together.

Receptionist: Ok well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready.

Rachel: Ok

Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass doors.

Rachel: (imitating the receptionist's tone) through the glass doors.

Receptionist: Through the glass doors.

Rachel: Alright-y then.

(Phoebe enters the hall)

Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room.

Phoebe: Ok. Do we have to talk like that then they're not around? (She sees Rachel) Oh, no, no! Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me?

Receptionist: Sorry, everyone is booked!

Phoebe: But that woman can't know I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are.

Receptionist: Then why you work here?

Phoebe: 'Cause it's good money! But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine!

Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work!

Phoebe: (watching around and whispering) Ok, are they listening?

[Scene: Central Perk]

(Joey walks in and moves towards Ross, who's sitting of the sofa)

Joey: Ross!

Ross: Hi!

Joey: I need to talk to you about Charlie.

Ross: (annoyed) Oh, do you, do you really?

Joey: Yeah, I'm... I'm kind of having a little problem.

Ross: Look, if you don't know what the word "acrimonious" means, just don't use it!

Joey: No, look, you know Charlie, right? She's cool, she's funny, her body is soo...

Ross: Get to the problem!

Joey: Yes. It's just that she's so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated! Combined! I don't want her to think I'm stupid!

Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts?

Joey: (checking) EH, what do you know!

Ross: You were saying you didn't want to seem stupid.

Joey: Right, right, right, well, she wants to go to all this cultural places and I don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out!

Ross: You know, I really don't want to get involved in you guy's relationship.

Joey: Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I know and I really like this girl, ok, I don't wanna lose her.

Ross: (after a short hesitation) Fine.

Joey: Thanks.

Ross: Ok. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to the MET!

Joey: The Metsss!

Ross: Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Joey: (realizing) Oh, that's what she meant! (pause) You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion!

Ross: Yeah, most of it it's a place packed with confused angry baseball fans!

Joey: Ok, all right, so I'll take her to the MET.

Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue. You know what? She loves architecture, you know what you should do? You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there there's this great little pastry shop that she'd love.

Joey: Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date!

Ross: But I'm not! (pause). You know what if you're in the mood for Thai food...

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you go way too fast. Ok? Just go back to the MET, ok?

Ross: Ok.

Joey: You got to tell me exactly what to do there.

Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I walk in the door and make the right (and he bends his arm to the left. Ross then bends Joey's arm to the right and Joey nods)

[Scene: doctor's waiting room]

Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet.

Monica: Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna watch that.

(a nurse walks in)

Nurse: Mr. Bing? (Chandler jumps up) Here you are! You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.

Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it.

Monica: Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you're going to be ok?

Chandler: Yeah, I guess!

Monica: I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even knows you!

Janice: OH MY GOD!!

Chandler: Oh, Come on!

Commercial Break

Janice: Ah ahahahhahaa! How great is this!

Monica: Hey, we're probably fertile, let's go home!

Chandler: Why are you here?

Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we...

Chandler: (to Heaven) No no no... I mean, why? why is she here??

Janice: Oh! Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! (laughs) Oh! They gave you the kiddy size (looking at the cup in his hand).

Chandler: What!?

(Janice does her "Janice Laugh")

Monica: This was fun! But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to! (leaves)

Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points at the cup) got a hot date... (starts to leave)

Janice: Please... go! (Then shouts after him) Just let me know if you need a hand!

Chandler: (disgusted) I think it just fell off. (Leaves)

[Scene: At the Spa, Phoebe is at the half-opened door]

Phoebe: (In a strange heavy accent) Hello "ja", it's time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole.

Rachel: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. (Puts her head in the hole and Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Okay, then I'm Swedish...

Monica: So, what's your name?

Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea...

Rachel: Oh... what an interesting name.

Phoebe: Ja!

Rachel: You know I... (lifts her head and tries to look in Phoebe's direction)

Phoebe: (pushes her head back down) Time for your scalp massage!

Rachel: (Sees Phoebe's slippers through the hole) Wow... I really love your... (startled as she realizes those are Phoebe's slippers)

Phoebe: Is something wrong?

Rachel: No, it's just that uhm... it feels so good... Ikea... (pause) Yeah, say hey, you'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden?

Phoebe: (Thinks for a few moments) Uhm... Stockholm.

Rachel: Damn! I wish I knew if that was right!

[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Ross in the living room, rehearsing what Joey will say to Charlie in the Museum]

Joey: (gesturing at an imaginary painting) Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself.

Ross: Now, do you have any idea what you just said?

Joey: (shaking his head as if to say: of course not!) No, no, my mouth says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks!

Ross: Ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is not spelt M-O-N-A-Y. I just... I wrote that out phonetically for you.

Joey: Phonetically? (Looks confused)

Ross: Yeah, yeah that means... you know? We just... we don't have time for this.

Joey: Ok.

Ross: Ok, but you know what? I gotta say, I'm really impressed that you were able to memorize all this so quickly!

Joey: Ah! I'm an actor! I can memorize anything! Last week on "Days" I had to say "Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy".

Ross: Wow. What does that mean?

Joey: No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I guess it means "you're gonna get eaten by a bear".

Ross: Ok! So let's move on to the Renaissance?

Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Touch it, it's really bumpy! (Reaches out to touch the imaginary painting).

Ross: Nah ah! Nah ah! (stops him form doing so) No no no! No ad-libbing and dude, you can't touch the paintings.

Joey: Come on! you... (reaches out to touch the imaginary painting again)

Ross: No! (Slaps his hand)

[Scene: The Fertility Clinic; Chandler walks out one of the rooms]

Chandler: (To the nurse at the nurses' station) My specimen is in the room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! (walks towards the common area and sees Janice is still there) Janice! You're not... gone?

Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you make your deposit?

Chandler: Yeah! yeah... The hard part is over!

Janice: That's not the hard part honey! The hard part is what comes next, I mean aren't you worried about the results?

Chandler: I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet... I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok.

Janice: Oh! Well, you know what? It probably is.

Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby?

Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be just fine.

Chandler: (smiling again) oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to... come here and do... 'that'...

Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office?

Chandler: (stares at her intently, then yells) It was a "Wendy's!! "

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel at the Spa. Phoebe is still massaging Rachel]

Phoebe: (Singing) "Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi! " And that is the Swedish National Anthem! Thank you for asking! (looks annoyed)

Rachel: Wow, Ikea... what a rich culture. Uhm, you know what? I have a friend who is a masseuse.

Phoebe: Oh, Ja! Ja!

Rachel: Yah! She's... uhm... not very good though... (Phoebe looks devastated)

Phoebe: Uhu, uhu... and why do you think that is?

Rachel: I don't know... maybe it's because she has got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar...

Phoebe: Or... maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high maintenance tight ass!

Rachel: (now lifts her head) Phoebe!!

Phoebe: You know it's me?

Rachel: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!

Phoebe: How can you come here?

Rachel: How could you not tell me you worked here?

Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything!

Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!

Phoebe: Tips not included.

Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?

Phoebe: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash! And then they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401K. But you know... you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes!

Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!

Phoebe: You know what? You are right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back!

Rachel: Good for you Pheebs!

Phoebe: Ok.

Phoebe: Okay (walks out and closes the door behind her, looks up and whispers) If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is playing some shoot'em up game on his laptop]

Ross: Haha! Got ya! Die, die, die!

(Charlie walks in.)

Ross: (recovers his composure and starts typing) Respectfully, professor R. Geller. (hits <return>, closes the laptop and joins Charlie on the sofa) Hey!

Charlie: Hi!

Ross: Hey, how was the Met?

Charlie: The museum was amazing!

Ross: Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh?

Charlie: Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all the stuff to say, and some of it didn't even make any sense.

Ross: What do you mean?

Charlie: Well, for one, he was talking about paintings that were nowhere around.

Ross: (perplexed for a moment) Wait a minute... when you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right?

Charlie: No, we went to the left.

Ross: (shaking head) Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together.

Charlie: Yeah, it's fun (hesitating).

Ross: What?

Charlie: Actually, you know, Joey is your friend, and you don't really know me that well; it would be weird.

Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on.

Charlie: Well... I'm just thinking that maybe he's not the right guy to be with right now, maybe I should be with someone... I have more in common with. You know what I mean?

Ross: (slowly) Yeah. But you know what? I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a great guy, and sure he doesn't know that much about art but you know, you can always talk about that with someone else.

Charlie: Yeah, I guess that's true.

Ross: And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you. You know, that's the kind of guy Joey is.

Charlie: He is very sweet. Plus he's hot!

Ross: That was going to be my next argument.

(Joey walks in)

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Charlie: Hey!

Joey: (to Charlie) You're ready?

Charlie: Yeah, let's go. (stands up and kisses Joey) (to Ross) Thanks Ross.

Joey: (aside, to Ross) Hey Ross! That art stuff worked, you hooked me up.

Ross: Glad I could help man.

Joey: Although some of that stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna be, but... (confidently) I made it work.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper.]

Chandler: (picking up a plastic cup similar to the one he deposited his specimen in) It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now.

(phone rings)

Chandler: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? (pause) Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up)

(Monica walks in)

Monica: Hey sweetie.

Chandler: Doctor Connelly just called.

Monica: With good news? (very quickly and wringing hands) Of course it is not good news, you just said (deadpan) "Doctor Connelly just called". If it was good news you would have said (excitedly) "Doctor Connelly just called! " But so what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you?

Chandler: Actually it's both of us.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.

Monica: Oh... what does that mean?

Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. (pause) It means...

Monica: Chandler?

Chandler: (seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.

Monica: (weeping) Oh my God!

Chandler: I'm sorry.

Monica: I'm sorry too.

(they hug)

Chandler: Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out.

Monica: (still weeping) I know.

Closing credits

[Scene: The Spa Reception. Phoebe walks in]

Receptionist: Good morning Phoebe.

Phoebe: (imitating the receptionist's tone) Good morning receptionist.

Receptionist: Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room No. 1.

Phoebe: Rachel Green? (angrily) Son of a bitch, she came back?

(Phoebe walks to the door and half-opens it)

Phoebe: (through the door, with a Scottish accent) Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassy.

End

Friends

922 - The one with the donor

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Directed by: Ben Weiss

Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk. Charlie, Joey and Rachel are on the couches]

Charlie: (while Joey's giving her a massage) Oh! That feels sooo good!

Rachel: (speaking to herself and reading Cosmopolitan) Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show!

Charlie: I'm sorry, what?

Rachel: Oh... Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not... I was just-I was just reading to Emma.

Charlie: From... Cosmo??

Rachel: Yeah, yeah... It's... "climax your way to better skin".

Charlie: (to Joey) So, I have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, I'm soo bad at picking out clothes!

Joey: So you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good.

Rachel: (hiding herself behind the magazine and whispering) Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me!

Joey: Oh hey Rach!

Rachel: Yeah...

Joey: Maybe you could take Charlie shopping.

Rachel: Oh, well...

Charlie: I'm sure you have better things to do.

Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.

Charlie: If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help.

Rachel: Ok, uh-uh... Let's-Let's shop!!

Joey: (to Charlie) Ok, you're gonna come back with some very classy clothes... (aside to Rachel)... and some slutty lingerie, SLUTTY!

Phoebe: (entering and talking on mobile phone) Ok, great! All right, bye! (she hangs up) Pain in the ass!! (she looks at the others, then back at the phone) That's off, right?

Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh... Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was like "Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you!". So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him!

Rachel: Which you're not, because you've totally hung up on him!

Phoebe: Exactly!

Rachel: And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous!

Phoebe: (after a short pause) I didn't even think about that! (pause) Aaargh, sexual politics!!

Rachel: Hey Pheebs, I'm-I'm taking Charlie shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you find something.

Phoebe: Ok, that'll be great!

Joey: Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together.

Rachel: That's not what we're gonna do!

Joey: Why would you ruin it, who was that hurtin'?

Opening credits

[Scene: Doctor Connelly's office]

Chandler: (looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!

Monica: Oh, I so can't believe this! My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard to be a good hostess!

Chandler: Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!!

Doctor Connelly: (entering) Hi there.

Chandler: Hi.

Monica: Hi.

Doctor Connelly: I'm sorry there wasn't better news from your test last week but I wanted to talk to you about your options.

Monica: Ok.

Doctor Connelly: Above all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know! So, keep having sex on a regular basis.

Chandler: Oh, DAMN IT!

(Dr. Connelly glares at Chandler)

Monica: Don't worry, after a while he'll tune it out.

Doctor Connelly: Ok, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor.

Monica: (long pause) Ok.

Doctor Connelly: And, of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you can always adopt.

Chandler: Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! (Dr. Connelly glares at him) Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Charlie on the couch. Rachel enters]

Rachel: Hi! Ok, you're ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping?

Charlie: Oh, yeah! Let's do it!

Joey: (to Charlie) Alright, have a good time. (they kiss)

Rachel: Not gonna find any clothes in there!

Ross: (entering) Hey, you guys!

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference?

Charlie: Umh... Kurts Baley?

Ross: Yeah, right! What was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract (he and Charlie laugh, then Joey starts laughing too without any reason) Well, why are you laughing?

Joey: Just... seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist... it's fun, yeah!

Charlie: So you're up for keynote speaker! Who's making the decisions?

Ross: Professor Sherman, yeah. I've a meeting with him today.

Charlie: He's a pretty tough guy to impress.

Ross: Yeah, well... I think I know how to dazzle him.

Rachel: Oh... you're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya?

Ross: Tsz... NO! (he goes to sit down, dropping a multicoloured silk streamer off his sleeve).

Chandler: (entering) Hey guys!

Ross: Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask you something. I-I I may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.

Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick.

Ross: It's in Barbados.

Chandler: But you come first!

Rachel: I'm there!

Charlie: We'll see you, guys! (she goes)

Joey: Bye.

Rachel: Bye, see ya. (she goes)

Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) Ok.

Joey: All right, so. How did it go at the fertility clinic?

Chandler: Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample.

Ross: So-so what did the doctor say?

Chandler: Well... there's surrogacy, but Monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her.

Joey: So you're ruling out surrogacy?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: So, I don't have to learn what that means?

Chandler: Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors.

Joey: Enough said, I'm there for you man. Where is she, upstairs?

Chandler: (stopping Joey) ah-ha!

Ross: How do you feel about all this?

Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one.

Joey: Come on Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it!

Ross: (puzzled) What?

(Joey moves close to Ross and whispers something in his ear)

Ross: (looking astonished) What? NO! I am not going to give them Ben!

[Scene: Professor Sherman's office, Ross is relating to Professor Sherman]

Ross: The data we are receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are - are staggering.

Professor Sherman: Mmm-mm.

Ross: (reading from a notepad) I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a given, but if they're off by even a hundred thousand years or so then you can - you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know, right in the trash. (he throws the notepad in the waste bin) So-so what I am saying is - is is that (he picks the notepad back from the waste bin) is that the repercussions could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly the mind boggles!

(Turns to look at Professor Sherman, only to discover that he is sleeping)

Ross: Oh, that's not what you want...

[Scene: Shop, Rachel, Charlie and Phoebe walk in]

Shop assistant: (to a girl) Incentive For Men?

Phoebe: Oh, I'll take some of that.

Rachel: Pheebs, that's for men!

Phoebe: No, I know, this way when I go to the party later Mike will know I am over him cause I'm gonna smell like another guy. (to the shop assistant) Yeah.

(The shop assistant sprays the perfume on Phoebe's neck)

Phoebe: Ok. Oh good, I'm dating a Russian cab driver. (to the shop assistant). Seriously does anyone buy this? I smell like beets!

Charlie: (to Rachel) So, you know what, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them. Where do you think those would be?

Rachel: On Melanie Griffith in "Working girl". I think what you want is over here.

Charlie: See, I told you I needed someone! Oh, you know, by the way, as a "thank you", I would really love to take you out.

Rachel: Really?

Charlie: Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, wanna come?

Rachel: Oh, I can't. Because I-I've seen them.

Charlie: You've seen all the movies...

Rachel: Yeah! I'm a big fan! Of the movies, you know. Motion pictures. The Talkies!

Phoebe: (picks up a dress) Hey Rach, will you come with me to a dressing room?

Rachel: Sure!

Phoebe: Ok!

Charlie: Wha, you know, maybe we can do something else!

Rachel: You know that depends on what it is! I've done a lot of stuff.

(Phoebe and Rachel go off to the dressing rooms. They enter one and close the curtain.)

Phoebe: So what were you doing out there, do you not like Charlie?

Rachel: She's ok, I just don't get a really good vibe from her!

Phoebe: Why?

Rachel: I don't know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet... I mean, nobody else has a chance!

Phoebe: Who else?

Rachel: Anybody! You, me, you know, Monica's mom...

Phoebe: You like Joey?

Rachel: Shhhhh! Phoebe! All right, look. I have a little thing for him.

Phoebe: (whispering) Oh my God!

Rachel: It's just physical and I have it totally under control! Ok? It's just, when I see them together, sometimes I just get a little jealous!

Phoebe: Uh, wow! Isn't it ironic that he liked you and now you like him?

Rachel: (annoyed) Oh, I get it!

Phoebe: Oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you can't do anything about it, he's already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn't be right.

Rachel: I know, I know, so it is just not a big deal.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: So can we keep this between us?

Phoebe: Sure!

Rachel: Ok, great, because I gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me!

Phoebe: Oh.

(Rachel opens the curtains and sees Charlie coming out from the dressing room just next to theirs)

Phoebe: Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin?

[Scene: Monica's apartment, Chandler walks in with a friend of his while Monica is putting fruit in a bowl.]

Monica: Hi honey!

Chandler: Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work!

Monica: Oh, of course, it's so nice to see you again, Zack!

Zack: (shaking Monica's hand) You too.

Chandler: You guys haven't actually met before, but, boy! You're both polite! (pause) Go to have a seat Zack, and I'll get you a beer.

Monica: I got it.

Zack: Thanks.

Chandler: (to Mon) So, Zack's pretty nice, uh?

Monica: Yeah, I guess.

Chandler: So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his!

Monica: (turns around and she's quite shocked) Excuse me?

Chandler: Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is "spermtastic"!

Monica: Chandler, this is crazy! What did you even say to him! "Come up, meet my wife! Give us your sperm"!

Chandler: No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go!

Monica: I'm not going to be a part of this! You can't just bring some random guy at home and expect him to be our sperm donor!

Chandler: Ok!

Monica: Uh!

Chandler: (bringing the beer to Zack) Zack!

Zack: Thanks! Do you have a coaster? I don't wanna make a ring.

(Monica hears that and is suddenly very interested in Zack)

Monica: Tell me about yourself, Zack!

[Scene: Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are talking in front of the dressing room]

Rachel: Oh, God, do you think she heard? It would be so bad if she heard!

Phoebe: Well, maybe she didn't hear! Ok I'm gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here and I'll talk and see if you can hear me.

Rachel: Ok, great!

(Phoebe moves in the dressing room from which Charlie went out)

Rachel: Oh, thank God I can't hear a word that you're saying!

Phoebe: (sticks her head out) I didn't say anything yet!

Rachel: (sticks her head out too) Well, get back in there and talk!

Phoebe: (goes back in) I'm Rachel. It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends.

Rachel: (comes out again) What!?

Phoebe: (comes out too) Well, some things are just hard to say to your face.

Rachel: Ok well, I heard that! Which means that she heard it too!

Phoebe: Ooh! We have a problem.

Rachel: Oh! What are we gonna do?

(A strange woman sticks her head out from a third changing cubicle to the far right)

Stranger: Just be honest with her.

Rachel: Oh my God!

Stranger: And it is annoying when parents put their baby on the phone...

Rachel: (yelling at the stranger) Alright! Enough out of you!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is sitting on his bed and the phone rings]

Joey: Hello?

Ross: Joey! Hey, I need to talk to Charlie. Is she there?

Joey: No. no... eh... she went shopping with Rachel. Why? What's up?

Ross: I'm meeting with professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker...

Joey: Oh! How's it going?

Ross: It could be better! He, uhm... he fell asleep!

Joey: What!? But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda!

Ross: Barbados.

Joey: Fine, I'll rent a car and drive...! Ross, you have to get that job!

Ross: What am I supposed to do? He's out cold! In fact he was just talking in his sleep before and evidently he wants someone named Fran to spank him harder.

Joey: Well, just wake him up!

Ross: I can't! If he realizes that I'm the one that put him to sleep, I won't get the job!

Joey: Uh! That's a tough one. Oh! Wait a minute, this happened to me before! Yeah, I was auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep and... (pause) no wait a minute... it was me who fell asleep... Yeah I mean hey, Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while!?

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartement. Chandler and the guest are in the living room, Monica in the kitchen]

Monica: Hey guys! Dinner's ready!

Zack: Oh! I'm gonna go wash up first. (Chandler points him the bathroom) Thanks!

Chandler: So what do you think? I want that guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those cheeckbones!

Monica: Ok, there's enthusiastic and there's just plain gay!!

Chandler: You don't like him.

Monica: I think he is fine! It's just that we don't know anything real about him... we should get more information.

Chandler: Alright! Just follow my lead!

(Zack comes out of the bathroom. They all sit down at the table.)

Zack: You guys have such a great place here.

Chandler: Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our place. Hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a history of mental illness in the family?

Zack: Uhm... no. Although I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis.

Chandler: (very seriously) That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack.

Zack: (looking very puzzled) Okaaay... so eh... so tell me, how did you guys meet.

Monica: Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story. I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes?

Zack: (after a pause, very confused) No...

Monica: Eh... Heart Disease, Alzheimers, gout?

Zack: You guys don't have people for dinner a lot, huh?

Monica: We're just making conversation. (Chandler makes an agreeing-sound)

Zack: Ok. I heard a joke today. It's pretty funny...

Chandler: You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness (Monica stretches her neck to look behind Zack's head and then gives Chandler an "ok" sign)

Zack: Ok listen, you guys have shown a lot of interest in me tonight and I'm flattered and... and quite frankly a little frightened. Can we just talk about something else?

Monica & Chandler: Sure! Alright...

Zack: Ravioli's delicious!

Chandler: I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child?

Zack: No I didn't.

Monica: Yess!! (M & C high-five and Zack looks confused again)

Chandler: (Proceeding with his dinner) We're teeth people Zack!

[Scene: In the store. Rachel and Phoebe returning from the changing rooms]

Rachel: Alright! Let's just do it. Let's just go over there and see if she heard.

Phoebe: Good plan.

Rachel: Ok. (Phoebe starts to walk in the opposite direction though. Rachel sees and follows her) Wha...? where? Where are you going?

Phoebe: Oh! I'm sorry Rachel, I don't have time for your childish games, ok? I still have to go find something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike at "who's more over who"! (at which she walks away)

Rachel: (to Charlie) Hey, hi! Hey, where've you been?

Charlie: Oh! trying on clothes.

Rachel: (pretends to be stunned) Oh! Wi... in the dres... in the dressing room!? Well, that's so weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room. God it's just such a small world!

Charlie: (smiling) Rachel... I heard you guys whispering.

Rachel: Oh God. You did. You heard. Ok, listen, let me explain.

Charlie: No! There's nothing to explain. I heard you. Phoebe likes Joey.

Rachel: (after a pause) Yeah.

Charlie: It's just that... I don't understand it... I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she comes here to buy a dress to impress another guy...?

Rachel: Yeah! That's Phoebe. That's Phoebe. You know, she just wants them all! It's like she's a nympho!

Charlie: Wow!

Rachel: Yeah...

Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person.

Rachel: (Looks ashamed) I try...

[Scene: Prof. Sherman's office. Sherman is still asleep on his chair, blocking the door.]

(Ross takes his suitcase and tries to get out but ends up falling on Prof. Sherman's laps, thereby waking him up)

Ross: (To the still half asleep Professor) Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! (hugs him whilst still on his lap)

Prof. Sherman: (confused) You're welcome. (Ross hugs him again)

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the sofa, eating a cookie.]

(Phoebe walks in wearing a fancy, revealing dress, and stands before Joey)

Joey: (impressed) Wow! You look... (drops the cookie)... stop-eating hot! Which is like the highest level of hotness!

Phoebe: Are you sure? Because I'm really dreading going to this party.

Joey: Then don't go!

Phoebe: Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't show up he'll think it's because of him! And I don't want to lose face! That's a very serious thing in my culture.

Joey: Alright, then you go to that party and you pretend to be over Mike. And afterward you come to my place and I'll get you good and drunk!

Phoebe: You got it! Ok. But not on the wine that you made, ok, because I just don't want to go back to the Emergency Room.

(Joey gives Phoebe a thumbs up. Phoebe walks out)

[Scene: Outside Central Perk.]

Phoebe: David?

(David the scientist guy is standing at the news-stand)

David: Phoebe! Hi!

Phoebe: Oh my God! (they hug)

David: Wow, you look unbelievable.

Phoebe: Yeah. What-what are you doing here?

David: Well, I'm back from Minsk... permanently.

Phoebe: What happened?

David: Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles?

Phoebe: Yeah?

David: Well, after eight years of research I discovered that it can't be done.

Phoebe: Well, it's great that you're back! How are you?

David: Good, good, life is good...

Phoebe: Good!

David: Ah well, I-I'm seeing someone.

Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh, good for you.

David: She's also a scientist, so she's very smart and pretty and... well, it's actually because of you, really, that we're together, I mean, I saw what you had with that Mike guy, and I just said "Boy, I want that".

Phoebe: Mike and I broke up.

David: You're kidding me. Because I'm not seeing anybody, I've just totally made that up.

Phoebe: Really?

David: Yeah, I don't know why, I'm sorry, I guess I just didn't want to lose face.

Phoebe: I understand. Yeah. Ok so then ok, so we're both living in New York, not seeing anyone. That's so not like us!

David: Yeah, I know. Well... this is probably a stupid question, seeing that you look like that, but do you have some place that you need to be right now?

Phoebe: Well... (pause) no.

David: Do you wanna get a drink?

Phoebe: I'd love to.

David: Great.

Phoebe: Ok. (they walk away together)

David: Do you smell beets?

Phoebe: Oh, got it, stay upwind of me.

(Charlie and Rachel arrive. They see David and Phoebe leave)

Charlie: Hey, there's Phoebe! Is that Mike she's with?

Rachel: No, that's David.

Charlie: There's a third guy?

Rachel: (disapprovingly) Tip of the iceberg.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's]

Zack: I'm gonna take off now. You're gonna let me go home, aren't you?

Chandler: You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer?

Zack: No, no, I should get home, I'm kinda tired.

Chandler: Are you just tired now or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression.

Zack: No it's just tiring having to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died. I'll see you tomorrow.

Chandler: Ok.

(Zack leaves)

Chandler: I think we've found our sperm!

Monica: Does seem pretty perfect.

Chandler: Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him?

Monica: (pause) No.

Chandler: Why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway!

Monica: No, that's not it. It's just that when we were asking him all those questions before, I just... I just realized I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world... he's not you.

Chandler: Yeah, he's better!

Monica: No, he's not. And if I can't get pregnant with you, then I don't want to get pregnant by... him or anyone else.

Chandler: Really? Are you sure?

Monica: Yeah, I'm sure.

Chandler: (sighs with relief) Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm.

Monica: That is so sweet. I love you. (they kiss)

Chandler: So you know this leaves us with...

Monica: Adoption.

Chandler: How do you feel about that?

Monica: I think I feel ok about it. Actually I think I feel really good about it.

Chandler: Me too. I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way.

Monica: So this is it, we're really gonna adopt?

Chandler: (smiling) Yeah.

Monica: (excitedly) Oh my God, we're gonna be parents!

Chandler: We are gonna be great parents.

Monica: And it could be soon. I mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there (they go look through the window) our baby could be being conceived.

Chandler: Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking!

(they hug)

Closing credits

[Scene: Zack's office]

Chandler: Hey, Zack!

Zack: (hardly enthusiastic) Hey Chandler.

Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.

Zack: No you didn't.

Chandler: Really?

Zack: No you did.

Chandler: My wife and I have some boundary issues, you know, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it.

(Zack's pregnant secretary, Jeanette, walks in)

Jeanette: (to Zack) Here are the boards for Friday's pitch (hands him something).

Zack: Oh, thank you.

(Jeanette walks out)

Chandler: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya?

End

Friends

923 - 924 - The one in Barbados

Part 1 written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri

Part 2 written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Directed by: Kevin S. Bright

Transcribed by: Andreina, Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk]

Joey: (entering) Hey! I'm all packed and ready to go!

Ross: Oh, that's right! (to Emma) Daddy and uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We're going to a conference in Barbados, right?

Joey: Mmh-mmh.

Ross: (to Emma) Can you say Barbados?

Joey: Barbados!

Ross: Ok, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much to me that you guys are coming all the way over there to hear me do my speech! UH! And I've a surprise, uh... I had to pull some strings but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference! That's right! (he gives them their passes) This babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.

Rachel: Do you have anything that would... get us out of them?

Chandler: Yeah Ross, I mean... we're excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we're gonna wanna do, you know, "island's stuff".

Phoebe: I think David would probably wanna hear a few lectures.

Ross: Oh, right, because he's a scientist!

Phoebe: No, no, because, you know, he's been in Minsk for 8 years and if he gets too much direct sunlight, he'll die.

Ross: Ok, we gotta go, yeah? So, we'll see you guys tomorrow.

Joey: All right, let's do it! 5 hour flight with Charlie, have a couple of drinks, get under that blanket and do what comes naturally.

Ross: It's a blanket Joe, not a cloak of invisibility!

Opening credits

[Scene: Paradise Hotel lounge in Barbados]

Charlie: Wow! This place is beautiful!

Ross: (very excited) Look at all these paleontologists!!

Joey: I know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! (A woman goes towards them)

Woman: Oh my God, I can't believe you're here!

Joey: (to Charlie) I think I've been recognized, this happens all the time!

Woman: Doctor Geller, I'm such a huge fan!

Joey: That... never happens...

Woman: I've been following your career for years, I-I can't wait for your keynote speech.

Ross: Wow! This is very flattering, uh...

Woman: I would love your autograph. (hands him a notepad)

Ross: Uh, uh... Sure! Uhm... "Dear..." (he takes the notepad)

Woman: Sarah.

Ross: "... Sarah. I dig you", Uh? "Doctor Ross Geller".

Sarah: Thank you so much!

Ross: Yeah, oh and Sarah... I'd like to introduce you to my colleague, uh, Professor Wheeler, a-and this is Joey Tribbiani.

Sarah: (to Joey) Are you a paleontologist?

Joey: No, God, no! No! No no, I'm an actor. You'd probably recognize me from a little show called "The Days of Our Lives".

Ross: Dude, it's just "Days of Our Lives"... there's no the.

Joey: (thinking he's kidding) Ok, Ross! It's... It's fun, yeah! No, I-I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.

Sarah: I'm sorry, I don't own a TV.

Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at??

[Scene: Central Perk]

Monica: David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.

David: Oh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of motion.

Monica: (to Chandler) See?

Chandler: Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".

Monica: Alright, I'm gonna go pick up a few things for the trip.

Phoebe: Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now... tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there.

(Everyone looks at her)

Phoebe: Mike?? Who's Mike?

David: Mike is your ex... uh... boyfriend!

Phoebe: That's right! Oh, yeah... Well, I've totally forgotten about im! AH! That's-That's... a blast from the past!

David: It's ok. Ho-honest mistake.

Phoebe: Really, it doesn't mean anything. I mean, you know, Monica refers to Chandler as Richard all the time!

Chandler: (upset) She does?

Monica: (pinching her) Let's get you out of here!! (they go outside)

(Outside the Central Perk)

Monica: At least you took me down with you!

Phoebe: I'm sooo sorry!! I just... I keep thinking about Mike! I'm crazy about David, and we're having so much fun together. Why-Why do I miss Mike? That's-that's gonna go away, right?

Monica: I guess, in time.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: I mean, my feelings for Richard are certainly gone.

Phoebe: You just did it again. Chandler, your feelings for Chandler are certainly gone!

[Scene: Inside Central Perk]

David: (to Chandler) Well, Phoebe's still pretty hung up on that Mike, uh?

Chandler: I wouldn't read too much into it.

David: Still you know, a girl calls you by your ex-boyfriend's name, that-that's not a good thing, right?

Chandler: David, let me stop you there 'cause I think I see where this is going. I'm not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or... Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee.

David: Sorry, I just... I wish there was something I could do, you know? Well, you know Phoebe...

Chandler: Seriously, we're gonna do this?

David: I'm sorry, uh... I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know... Why did Phoebe and Mike break up?

Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage?

David: That's great! That's great! I-I'll propose to her!

Chandler: What?

David: Well, I was probably going to do it at some point.

Chandler: I didn't mean now...

David: Why not? It's brilliant! (talking to an imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we'll see you at the wedding, fella! (pause) well, we probably won't invite you to the wedding... (to Chandler) Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely.

Chandler: Well, you're welcome! Glad I could help.

David: (after a while) How do you think I should propose?

Chandler: David, I'm pretending to read here!!

[Scene: Joey in his hotel in room in Barbados]

(Trying on a hat and talking to his own reflection in the mirror)

Joey: Yeah! How you doin'? Yeah alright!

(Charlie comes out the bathroom)

Joey: Hey, hey! You said you're gonna wear a thong, where's the thong?

Charlie: (laughing) I didn't mean a thong... I meant thongs...

Joey: You really should have been more clear about that!

(Someone knocks the door, Joey goes to open it and Ross is on the other side)

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: (Excited) You're never going to guess who I just saw downstairs!

Joey: Oh! ah! eh... Britney Spears!?

Ross: Yeah, she never misses these conferences! (then to Charlie) No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth Schwartz!

Charlie: Oh my God! Did you talk to him?

Ross: Yeah... what am I going to say to Kenneth Schwartz?

Joey: You could say: "Hey Kenny, how come you're not Britney Spears?" (looks at Ross matter-of-factly)

Ross: (to Charlie) Ready to go?

Charlie: Yeah!

Joey: Wha...? You're gonna go now? I thought we could hang out?

Charlie: Oh I can't... I have seminars all day and I promised Ross I would look at his speech.

Ross: Yeah.

Charlie: But maybe we can have dinner later? On the balcony? Will be romantic.

Joey: (smiling) Will you wear a thong?

Charlie: I will if you will.

Joey: Oh... you got yourself a very weird deal!

Ross: (a little embarassed by their conversation) I'm good, I have dinner plans (moves away from them).

Charlie: So you'll be ok?

Joey: Yeah, yeah. I've got tons of stuff I could do. I'm gonna hit the beach, go swimming...

Ross: Uh, Joe, have you looked outside?

Joey: No, why?

(Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains revealing that it's raining outside)

Joey: Oh man!

Charlie: There's an indoor pool, you can swim there! (Ross agrees)

Joey: I wasn't gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! (removes a small plastic spade used by children to play on the beach from his backpack)

[Scene: Back in New York, Monica and Chandler in Central Perk on the couch]

Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.

Chandler: (smiling cheekily) I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" (Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats) "I do".

Monica: Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.

Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.

Monica: What? (looks very shocked) Why?

Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.

Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?

Chandler: I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?

Monica: They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She'll say "No", David's heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.

Chandler: Man, that's some bad advice!

[Scene: Barbados, hotel lounge. David, Phoebe and Rachel have just arrived.]

(Joey spots them and walks towards them)

Joey: Oh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here!

Rachel: Hey! Hey what's going on?

Joey: Everything is upside down here! It rains all day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous!

(Rachel turns around and sees Chandler and Monica arriving)

Rachel: Alright, I don't wanna alarm anybody, but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when we landed!

(Monica and Chandler reach the group)

Monica: Ok! When I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?!

Chandler: That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross!

Joey: Come on, I'll show you guys where to check in (Joey, Chandler and David leave)

Monica: (to Chandler) Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed!

Phoebe: (shouts after David) Oh! David, get one for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! And with mirrors on the ceiling!

Monica: (shouts to Chandler) And make sure our room isn't next to theirs (points to Phoebe).

Rachel: Ooh! You guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known it's such a romantic place. That's all, I just wish I could (looks at Joey who is at the check in desk) share that with a guy.

Phoebe: Not Joey.

Rachel: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler.

Monica: Yeah, right!

[Cut to the guys]

David: So, ehm... I'm proposing to Pheobe tonight. (Removes a ring box from his pocket and opens it to show Chandler the ring)

Chandler: Tonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn't an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? (squints at the ring to emphasize how tiny the diamond is) Oh, there it is!

David: Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn't pay quite as well as you might think. That's uhm... one seventieth of a karat. And the clarity is uhm... is quite poor.

Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)

Chandler: Monica, can I talk to you for a sec? (Pulls her away from Phoebe and Rachel)

Monica: Ok!

Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight!

Monica: See what happens when you give people advice? I hope you told him not to?

Chandler: That would be advice!!

Monica: Ok fine. I'll handle this. (goes to Phoebe who's talking to Rachel) Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: (looking very serious) I need to talk to you.

Phoebe: Are you leaving "The Supremes"? (Monica and Phoebe go to one side)

MOnica: Ok, my husband just gave your boyfriend some very bad advice. Look, David is going to propose to you tonight.

Phoebe: Wow? Really? That's fantastic!

Monica: What are you serious? You wanna marry him? Wha... What about Mike?

Phoebe: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let's just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. I can just see it: "Mike, do you take Phoebe..." (gestures with her hand as if someone is covering her mouth and tries to shout "No! No!") You know, it's every girl's dream!

Monica: Do you really think marrying someone else is the right answer?

Phoebe: Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike... David! David. I love David. Don't look at me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna!

[Scene: Ross's hotel room. Ross and is reading his keynote speech to Charlie from his laptop]

Ross: By using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century.

Charlie: It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference.

Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it's Joey, Rachel and Chandler).

Joey: Hey guys!

Ross: The chocolates aren't here yet.

Joey: Damnit!

Charlie: Ross just read me his speech. It's fantastic!

Chandler: Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I'd love to give it a read...?

Ross: If you want to check your email, just ask! (Chandler tries to look offended)

Chandler: (offended) What? (pause) May I?

Rachel: (looking out the window) What's with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season.

Charlie: Actually the wet season is June to December.

Rachel: It's not the time Charlie.

Chandler: (at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear God, no!

Joey: Oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? (Chandler looks annoyed at him and Joey leans in to him) Oh! Secret teapot?

Chandler: Your computer, I don't know wha... everything's gone!

Ross: Wha... what do you mean? (Goes to the laptop)

Chandler: It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive.

Ross: What, oh my God. What did you do?

Chandler: Someone I don't know sent me an e-mail and I opened it.

Ross: Why, why would you open it?

Chandler: Well, it didn't say "This is a virus"!!

Ross: What did it say?

Chandler: Nude... (Ross looks at him)... pictures of Anna Kournikova. I'm so sorry.

Ross: What... what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler!

Chandler: It's not gone! I mean, I'm sure you printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right?

Ross: NO! I don't!!

Chandler: Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now...!

[Time lapse: Ross looks likes he's been trying to fix his computer but just closes it as if giving up]

Joey: It's really gone?

Ross: Yep! I'd like to thank you guys for coming down here to complain about the rain and ruin my career!

Chandler: I just feel awful.

Ross: Yeah, well you should! I mean, nude pictures of Anna Kournikova? I mean, she's never even won a major tournament!

Chandler: Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but... (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same "I'm gonna kill you" look...? I can usually make it go away by kissing her... (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he's going to kiss Ross)

Ross: Get out! (Chandler runs out)

Rachel: You know, this happens all the time to my computer at work.

Ross: Well, what do you do?

Rachel: Well, I usually go... play Tetris on somebody else's computer.

Ross: I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening. I have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say?

Joey: I could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions.

Ross: I don't think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe!

Charlie: Ross, we can solve this. I just heard your speech. We can recreate it! We've got all night!

Ross: Wha... what you really think we can do that?

Charlie: Oh wait, Joey and I are supposed to have dinner (Looks at Joey).

Joey: Hey don't worry about that! I mean, Ross needs you! And Rachel and I will stay and help anyway we can.

Rachel: Ugh.

Ross: Alright, ok, let's do it. (Ross sits down at the desk and they all gather around him) Uhm, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating... uhm, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! (Rachel and Joey look confused) And then, there's the... eh... there's the overview of the Triassic.

Joey: Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a "Galaxy far, far away"? (Ross turns aroud and glares at him. Joey and Rachel decide to leave).

[Scene: Mike's apartment. His phone rings and he picks up]

Mike: Hello?

Monica: Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole "I never want to get married" thing and step up!

Mike: Who is this?

Monica: This is Monica! I'm Phoebe's friend. Listen, Phoebe is back with David and he's going to propose to her, and she is going to say "yes" but I know she really wants to be with you!

Mike: (sounds shocked and sits down) He... he's gonna propose?

Monica: I... I'm sorry, did you say something? I can't hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to move her huge hair away from the phone, in vain)

Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you.

Monica: You don't tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She's at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I've got you, you've got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? (Mike hangs up the phone) Damnit!

(Chandler walks in)

Monica: (sarcastically) Well, I hope you're happy!

Chandler: (pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey!

Monica: Phoebe is going to say "Yes" to David. See, that's what happens when you meddle in people's lives!

Chandler: Phoebe is going to say "yes"? That's, that's great!

Monica: No it's not, b'cause she's still in love with Mike!

Chandler: And there's not chance that will work?

Monica: No, I called him. It's not gonna happen.

Chandler: (pointing at her) Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler!

Monica: Well, if you hadn't meddled to start with, I wouldn't have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up - in the first place!

Chandler: This vacation sucks!!

[Scene: The hall, full of paleontologists. Rachel and Joey are walking around]

Joey: I'm so bored! Stupid rain, we... we can't do anything.

Rachel: Well, I've brought some books. We could read.

Joey: Hey, it hasn't come to that yet.

(A waiter walks by carrying appetizers or something on a tray)

Joey: (stopping the waiter) Hey hey hey! Don't mind if I do!

Waiter: I'm sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention (walks away)

Joey: Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a convention?

Rachel: We can't. We're not pharmacists!

Joey: (walking to a table with many badges on it) I know we're not, but (he picks up a badge) Frank Medeio and... (picks up another badge) Eva Trorro... womba...

Rachel: (picking up another random badge) Kate Miller?

Joey: Kate Miller it is. (he picks up the Kate Miller badge and sticks it on Rachel's breast)

Rachel: And... that's the most sex I'm gonna have this weekend.

Joey: In that case should I make sure it's on real good? (he does so, repeatedly tapping on her breast and stroking it)

Rachel: Thank you. (they walk away)

[Scene: Ross's room. Charlie is sitting on the bed, while Ross is walking up and down nervously]

Charlie: And then, and then you said that thing about, about bringing the Mesozoic era in the 21st century.

Ross: Yeah, that's it?

Charlie: Yeah.

Ross: Oh my God, we did it! (he sits beside her and skims through her notes excitedly)

Charlie: Actually I did it Ross. You remembered shockingly little of your own speech.

Ross: Yes, but I did make a pyramid out of the bath products. This is amazing, thank you, thank you so much. (he leans in, and they look at each other for a moment) That's a pretty necklace.

Charlie: Thank you.

Ross: Hey, what do you say we celebrate? Champagne? (he goes to get the champagne)

Charlie: Oh yeah! Hey, save the cork and then we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so they don't charge you.

Ross: Oh my God, I love you.

Charlie: Oh, this is such a cute picture of Emma. And is this your son... or just some kid whose picture you bring on vacation?

Ross: That's Ben, my son from my first marriage.

Charlie: Your first marriage?

Ross: Yeah.

Charlie: You're married more than once?

Ross: No. (they clink glasses and drink)

Charlie: So, why did you break up?

Ross: (embarassed) Oh, it was... it's complicated, you know? She... she was... eh... gay.

Charlie: Oh my God, this is so cool!

Ross: Ok, odd thing to get excited about!

Charlie: No, it's just... I was enganged to a guy who turned out to be gay!

Ross: Hey! High-five! (they high-five)

Charlie: Didn't you feel so stupid that you didn't see the signs? My fiancé was always going away on these long weekends with his tennis partner.

Ross: My wife had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn't get any fitter.

Charlie: Right and then everybody finds out and they're like: "Oh, I knew all along"

Ross: I know! It's like, if you knew, why didn't you tell me, you know? I mean, call, or leave a note: "Hi, I just dropped by to say your wife's gay"

Charlie: I know!

Ross: And then, you try to make the best of a bad situation, so you float the idea of a threesome?

Charlie: I didn't do that.

Ross: (embarassed) Me neither.

[Scene: the Pharmacist convention. Joey and Rachel are walking out of it, drinking cocktails]

Joey: Well, who knew? Pharmacists are fun.

Rachel: I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home.

Joey: Not enough pills in the world, Rach. What about you, you're the single one, seen anybody in there you like?

Rachel: Well, let's see. There was a really big guy that I was talking to, with the really nice breasts...

Joey: But what about back home, anything going on there? Anybody you like?

Rachel: (takes a sip from her drink, embarassed) No.

Joey: There it is, you're blushing!

Rachel: No, I'm not blushing, I'm sunburnt! From, you know, the rain.

Joey: You like someone. Tell me who it is. Who is it? (tickles her a little)

Rachel: No.

Joey: Tell me who it is.

Rachel: Joey! (she walks away; Joey goes after her teasing and tickling her)

Joey: Come on who? Who do you like? Tell me. You're not getting away that easy. Who do you like, who?

Rachel: Joey, come on! It doesn't matter, you know, it's not like anything's gonna happen.

Joey: What? Why not? Rach, who can you not get?

Rachel: Oh! (pause) Ok. Ok, you really wanna know who it is?

Joey: (eagerly) Yeah, who is that?

Rachel: Do ya?

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross and Charlie walk into the hall from Ross's room)

Ross and Charlie: Hey!

(Joey smiles at them. Rachel looks annoyed)

Charlie: (to Joey) I just left you a message! Ross and I were gonna go grab a bite, but now that you're here, maybe we can go have that dinner.

Joey: Right, of course. Hey, did you guys finish the speech?

Ross: Yep, we got it, we got it. (To Charlie) Thank you so much.

Charlie: I had a great time.

Joey: Alright, hey look, and this isn't over, because I really wanna know who...

Rachel: Later! La...

Charlie: So, shall we?

Joey: Yeah. (they leave)

Rachel: Ok. See you, bye.

Charlie: Bye.

Ross: Good night.

Joey: Night.

(Ross and Rachel watch them walk away and sigh. They look at each other, embarassed.)

Ross and Rachel: Ok, good night!

[Scene: The restaurant. Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table]

(Phoebe and David walk in)

Monica: I can't believe she's gonna say yes to David. She's clearly in love with Mike.

Chandler: You know, it's very hard to take you seriously when you look like that.

(David and Phoebe sit down at a table close to Chandler and Monica's)

David: Uh, Phoebe, uh, I have... something I wanna say.

Monica: Oh my God, he's gonna do it now. Please, I cannot watch this, let's go.

Chandler: I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? (doing David) "Uh, Phoebe, uh, I would be honoured, uh..." Spit it out, David!

David: Uh, Phoebe, uh... (Chandler hits his own head) you're an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was, was unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn't help!

Phoebe: Sure, ok, yeah.

David: But well, now that we're together again, I don't ever want to be apart. So, to that end...

(David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike walks in, behind David)

Phoebe: Oh my God, Mike!

David: It's David, actually!

Phoebe: No, Mike's here.

David: (turns around) Hi Mike!

Mike: Hi David. Chandler. Monica... (Looks at Monica, checking her big hair, aghast) Oh!

Monica: IT'S THE HUMIDITY!

Mike: Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: What are you, what are you doing here?

Mike: I have a question I need to ask you.

David: I have a question I was kinda gonna ask her myself.

Mike: Yeah, I understand, but before you do, she really needs to hear this.

David: (annoyed) Ok, would you care for my seat as well?

Mike: Actually yeah, that'll be great.

David: That's fair, you've had a long trip. (he leaves his seat to Mike, and stands there looking for a chair. He finally goes to Monica and Chandler's table)

Mike: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you.

David: Kinda stepped on the toes of what I was going to say.

Mike: Sorry David, but she really has to know this.

David: Alright, but after this I want to see you outside. If the rain stops.

Monica: You're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How can I lose you? (Phoebe looks very flattered) Now, I don't actually have a ring...

David: I have a ring.

Chandler: I wouldn't brag too much about that thing, big guy.

David: Phoebe, will you marry me?

Phoebe: (smiles at him happily for a few seconds before answering) No!

David: Uhm... Ha ha!

Phoebe: I love you. But I never needed a proposal from you. I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you know, that we had a future.

Mike: We can have any future you want.

(they hold their hands, gazing at each other)

David: Ok, I'm gonna take off.

Phoebe: David, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.

David: Just so I know, if I had asked first...

Phoebe: Yeah, I might have said yes, but that would have been wrong.

David: Please, you don't have to explain. I mean, perhaps if I hadn't gone to Minsk things would have worked out for us. And I wouldn't have ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It was a good trip! (he leaves)

Mike: Is it ok if I hug you now?

Phoebe: Yes! (they hug)

Monica: (to everybody) BECAUSE OF OUR MEDDLING! Alright?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's room. Monica and Chandler are in bed.]

Chandler: Oh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day.

Monica: I know (she snuggles to him)

(Rachel runs in)

Rachel: (walking in hurriedly) Open your drapes! Open your drapes!

Chandler: I'm so glad we've got adjoining rooms!

(Rachel opens the drapes)

Monica: The sun is out!

Chandler: Hey! Remember when I had corneas?

Monica: Ok listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs, and I'll get the magazines and the lotion.

Chandler: Ladies? Ross's speech is in 45 minutes.

Rachel: Nooo!

Monica: Damn it!

Ross: (from across the wall) Walls are pretty thin, guys!

[Scene: Conference room. Ross is making his keynote speech]

Ross: Then we have to await the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating.

Rachel: Look at that woman sitting by the pool getting tan... so leathery and wrinkled, I'm so jealous!

Ross: Finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus...

Chandler: (to a paleontologist sitting next to him) Not to mention the cold sores.

(the paleontologist glares at Chandler)

Ross: And that's just the herbivores. I'm not even gonna discuss the carnivores, their heads are already too big. Which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development.

(all the paleontologists laugh)

Chandler: (to the one sitting next to him) Really?

Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster [1] is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...

(Joey laughs)

Charlie: What?

Joey: He said "erectus"!

Charlie: You're... you're kidding, right?

Joey: No, he really said it.

Ross: ... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...

(Rachel laughs)

Joey: Erectus?

Rachel: Homo.

[Scene: the hotel conference room]

Ross: (concluding his speech)... in a very real way we can bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. (pauses) Thank you!

(Everybody stands up and applauds. Ross looks flattered and surprised. His friends and other members of the audience go to congratulate him)

Ross: Oh, thanks guys!

Man with a bow tie: (shaking hands with Ross) I thought... it was wonderful!

Ross: Oh!

Man with a bow tie: Jarvis Oberblau, Cornell. (sighs) I mean, the ideas you put forth and, and from someone... so... young... and... (sighs again and smiles at Ross blissfully).

Ross: (with a frozen smile on his face, realizing something's wrong with Jarvis) Ok... now... now we're just holding hands! (pulls his hand away)

Rachel: All right! Well, uh... (to Monica) we're gonna hit the beach?

Monica: Yeah!

Rachel: (to Ross, in a flattering tone) It was really... great!

Ross: Oh, thank you so much!

Joey: Yeah, and so funny!

Rachel: Oh!

(Rachel, Joey and Chandler pat him on his shoulders and walk off, together with Monica)

Ross: (puzzled) Ok!... All right, thanks! Thank you so much, you guys! (to Phoebe) Oh, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were here!

Mike: (popping by, smiling) You're kidding, we wouldn't have missed it!

(Ross is dumbfounded to see Mike instead of David)

Mike: Oh... I'm back!

Ross: (skating over, embarrassed) Ok!... Uh... excuse me? Yeah?

Phoebe & Mike: Yeah! (they leave)

(Ross goes towards Charlie, who's conversing with a fellow paleontologist, and touches her shoulder to get her attention)

Ross: Hey! (she turns to him) Well...? (in expectation)

Charlie: You were incredible!

Ross: Yeah?

Charlie: You blew them away!

Ross: Oh, I can't tell you how great it was to look at the crowd and see your face! I mean... uh, did you know you were (giggles) mouthing the words along with me?

Charlie: (smiling broadly) I was not!

Ross: No, it's ok! Made me feel like a rock star!

Charlie: Oh my God! (pauses) I'm your groupie!

Ross: (joking) I'd better not found you naked in my hotel room!

(Ross giggles, but Charlie isn't amused at all.)

Ross: (realizing his joke wasn't so good, but still giggling) Look, I took it too far!

[Scene: the hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.]

Monica: (her hair bigger then before) I can't believe it's raining again! Oh, it's so unfair!!!

(They approach the buffet, where a couple of paleontologists are sipping their drinks)

Phoebe: Well, on the bright side, now you won't have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. (Grabs a drink and notices that the two men are upset) Not you guys. You got it going on!

(Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away, sipping their drinks)

Monica: So, what are we gonna do today?

Mike: They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff.

Monica: (pleasantly surprised) Ping pong? (to Chandler) Honey, they have ping pong! Let's play!

Chandler: I don't think so!

Monica: (disappointed) Why not?

Chandler: Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying!

Monica: I'm not always that bad!

Chandler: Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time?

Monica: (hesitatingly) I punched you...?

Chandler: And...?

Monica: ... Phoebe...?

Phoebe: ... and...?

Monica: I clunked your heads together!

(Chandler turns to Mike and gives him a "See what I mean?" look)

[Scene: Joey and Charlie's room]

(Joey is sitting in an armchair and wearing a diving mask. He pulls out a grape from a bunch of fake grapes on the coffee table, puts it on the snorkel's breathing tube and blows it out, then giggles to himself)

Charlie: (walking in) Hey! There you are!

Joey: Hey! (stands up) As soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! Some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya! (smiles ecstatic)

Charlie: I'm sorry, I can't! I'm running a discussion group all afternoon.

Joey: (disappointed) Oh... oh, but that's ok, I'll find someone else to do it... I'll do it alone, but... I don't know what happens if the sea turtle catches you...

Charlie: You know... I feel so bad! I haven't seen you this whole trip and (pauses) especially last night...

Joey: (interrupting her) Hey! Don't worry about it! It was fine! I ended up having the best time with Rachel! I just felt bad for you, stuck in that room, working on Ross's speech... (pulls a face)

Charlie: Actually, it turned out to be a lot of fun!

Joey: (bewildered) Oh! Oh, well! At least we're both having fun!

Charlie: Yeah...

(There's an awkward moment of silence)

Charlie: ... is it weird that it's not with each other?

Joey: Yeah! A little bit, yeah...

Charlie: (sitting down on the bed) I think we need to talk...!

(pause)

Joey: Yeah... I think we do... (sighs, with folded arms)... about what?

[Scene: the hotel game room. There is a ping pong table in the middle of the room. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in]

Monica: C'mon guys, it'll be fun!

Phoebe: All right, all right... I'll play if we don't keep score!

Monica: But then how do we know who wins?

Phoebe: Nobody wins!

Monica: So, we're just four losers... SUPER!

Chandler: I'm not playing with you.

Phoebe: Yeah, I'm out.

Mike: I'll play ya!

Monica: (smiling) OK!

Phoebe: Mike, you don't know, you don't know what you're doing!

Chandler: She gets crazy! This scar (points to his forehead) is from Pictionary!

(Monica rolls her eyes)

Mike: (disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve?

Monica: Sure! Got to!

(Monica and Mike start to play ping pong. Mike scores)

Monica: Aww!

Mike: Oh, by the way... I'm awesome!!

Chandler: (nearly whispering) Oh dear God, there's two of them!

Mike: You're ready to play?

Monica: Hell, yeah!

Chandler: (to Phoebe) Did you know this about him?

Phoebe: No idea! I though he was soft like you!

Mike: Wanna make it more interesting?

Monica: How much were you thinking?

Mike: Ten bucks a game?

Monica: Make it fifty!

Mike: I'll make it a hundred!

Monica: (nearly shouting) One thousand...

Chandler: (interrupting her) OK!

Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter?

Monica: (going through her pockets) No... (to Chandler and Phoebe) Either of you girls got a quarter?

Chandler: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!

Phoebe: (picks up a coin from her bra) Monica, you call it.

Monica: Heads! No, Tails! He-he-heads!

Phoebe: Tails!

Monica: (angry) Ow, what are the chances!

(They start playing again)

Monica: Ha! My point!

Mike: Oh, no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.

Phoebe: (smiling proudly) He was a lawyer!

[Scene: Rachel's hotel room. She is watching the Weather Channel on TV.]

Alexandra Steele: (meteorologist) (pointing to the East Coast)... all these coasts having beautiful weather. In New York, it's 72 and sunny!

Rachel: Oh! Weather bitch! (turns the TV off)

(Someone knocks on the door)

Rachel: It's open! (Joey walks in) Hi, Joe!

Joey: (downhearted) Hey...

Rachel: (worried) What, is everything ok?

Joey: Uh... Charlie and I broke up.

Rachel: Nooooo, why?

Joey: Oh well, she said we have nothing in common.

Rachel: (laughing) Oh, that's crazy!

Joey: No, it's not, we have nothing in common!

Rachel: ... yeah, it's true.

Joey: I mean, she should be with someone like... Ross! You know what I mean, he uses all those big words too! Man, smart people are dull!

Rachel: (pretending to be offended) What, hey!

Joey: (laughing sarcastically) Ok, Rach!

(He punches her on her shoulder mockingly, then goes and sits down on her bed)

Joey: I feel so stupid, you know? Why... why do I keep going after the wrong girls?

Rachel: W-What are you, what are you talking about?

Joey: Oh, c'mon, I mean, there's you, then there's Charlie, and it's like... (sighs) What the hell is my problem? OH! (He falls back on the bed)

Rachel: Ok... uh... maybe you're not always going after the wrong girl...

Joey: (sitting up again) I'm telling you, Rach, Charlie is not right for me!

Rachel: Yeah, I'm not talking about her...

Joey: But then who? The waitress I went out with last month? (gives her a meaningful look)

Rachel: You know? Forget it!

Joey: (stands up) No-no-no-no, no! Who, who were you talking about?

Rachel: No, I-I-I-I don't, I actually don't know who I'm talking about! So!

Joey: Ok! All right, well... I'm gonna see if I can get a room for the night and I'll... I'll see you later!

Rachel: Yeah, sure!

(Joey walks out, while Rachel is pensive. Once he's out of her room, he suddenly realizes who she was talking about and goes back in. He looks at her in disbelief and she looks like she was caught red-handed)

[Scene: Rachel's hotel room. Joey is standing at the door, facing Rachel]

Joey: You like me? (shuts the door)

Rachel: (nearly whispering) Ok, let's not make a big thing about this!

Joey: (shocked) That's a huge thing!

Rachel: Not working with me, Joe! Here's the thing: lately I have been having thoughts (pauses) musings, if you will!

Joey: What... for how long?

Rachel: Only like a month!

Joey: (outraged) A MONTH??

Rachel: What the... DIAL IT DOWN! (Joey goes to sit on the bed) Listen, ok, and maybe they're crazy thoughts, but sometimes I do, I have, I've been thinking about... you know, us! (looks at Joey, who's totally distraught) Ok, dial it up a little!

Joey: (stands up) I just have one question!

Rachel: Shoot!

Joey: (desperate) What the hell are you doin'???

Rachel: I don't know, I'm not trying to do anything, it's just, we have such a good time when we're together, you know... I mean, aren't you just a... little curious... (insinuating) what that would be like?...

Joey: Uh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious as... as... George!!

Rachel: (puzzled) Who...?

Joey: CURIOUS GEORGE (see link)! You know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat!

Rachel: Oh yes, of course, I remember him!

Joey: Yeah, he had a paper route.

Rachel: Yeah, he did! (smiling) Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about!

Joey: No, I know, yeah I know we're great but Rach no... this... this can't happen!

Rachel: But can it... just... happen a little bit?

Joey: (charmed, but then recoiling) NO, NO! It can't happen at all!

Rachel: But why, why not?

Joey: Because... look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? (in a trembling voice) I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no! (sighs) I couldn't do it to Ross!

Rachel: But that wasn't gonna stop you before!

Joey: I know, I know! But I've thought about it a lot since, and it just wouldn't be right... (painfully) I'm sorry...!

Rachel: (regretful) I'm sorry, too! (they look at each other sadly, then she recollects, and puts her hands over her eyes) OH GOD! I shouldn't have said anything!

Joey: NO! No-no-no-no-no-no! Hey! Hey, we'll be fine! Li... hey, like you said: no big deal!

Rachel: It's not a big deal!

Joey: NO BIG DEAL!

Rachel: It's so not a big deal!

Joey: Yeah! I'll see ya later! Yeah!

Rachel: Ok!

(They shake hands, he walks out and shuts the door, then seems to change his mind, moves to open the door, than changes his mind again and leans over the door. Just then, Rachel opens the door)

Rachel: Ok, I...

(Joey falls backwards into the room)

Rachel: AAAHHHH!

(Joey hurriedly stands up, arms akimbo, gives her an embarrassed look and walks away)

[Scene: the hotel game room. Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]

Monica: Ooh! I'm sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table!

Mike: Do you?

Monica: Ah, yeah!

Mike: Do you?

Monica: Ah, yeaaah!

Mike: DO YOU?

Monica: AH YEAAAAH!

Chandler: (to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?

Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by Monica, right now?

(Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is decidedly sniffing her armpits)

Chandler: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.

Phoebe: C'mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!

(Mike scores)

Monica: Oh, damn it!

Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him!

Mike: (boasting) Game, point!

Monica: (threatening) Don't get too cocky! Remember I won the last one! Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?

Mike: You know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that.

(they continue to play ping pong and then Mike scores, winning the game)

Monica: NO, NO, NOOO!

Mike: And that's how it's done! (Phoebe kisses him)

Chandler: Okay-dokay, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.

Monica: Best out of three?

Mike: That's what I'm thinking.

Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?

Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!

Mike: (doing Monica and mumbling): Serve the ball, chump.

Phoebe: (to Mike) Ok Mike, better come back Mike, better come back.

[Scene: hotel's bar, Ross and Mr. Oberblau are talking]

Mr. Oberblau: I'm just saying, I have a cabin in the Adirondacks if you ever want to get away from the city, well, that'd be (pause) just nifty!

Ross: Ooh, well. Ah, I kinda have got a lot on my plate right now, not that I wouldn't love a weekend in the country with a strange man. (Mr. Oberblau giggles)

Woman: Jarvis?

Mr. Oberblau: (seeing her) Oh, you're back... (to Ross) this is my wife, Nancy.

Ross: Get Out!

(Charlie walks by)

Charlie: Ross, can I talk to you for a minute?

Ross: Yes, please! (they move and sit down on a sofa) So, what's going on?

Charlie: Uh, well... Joey and I broke up.

Ross: Oh my God, wh-what happened?

Charlie: Joey is a great guy, but we're just... so different! I mean, during your speech he kept laughing at homo erectus!

Ross: I knew that was him!

Charlie: Anyway I just, uh, I think it's for the best.

Ross: (holding her hand) Hey, you ok?

Charlie: I guess. There was hum... (she breathes deeply) there was another reason that I thought it was time to end it with Joey. I started to realize that I was having feelings for someone (pause) else.

(some paleontologists interrupt them)

Paleontologist: (merrily) Ok Geller. Last day of the conference, you know what happens to the keynote speaker.

Ross: Oh, professor Clerk we're kind of in the middle of a conversation, here.

Charlie: Yeah, can you guys just throw him in the pool later?

Professore Clerk: Or we could throw you both in now!

Ross: (standing) Ok, gentlemen! Please! Aren't we a little old for this? I mean, we're scientists, right? We're academics. And most importantly I... you-you will have to catch us first. (he starts to run away with Charlie). GO, GO, GO! (the paleontologists starts chasing them)

[Scene: game room, Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]

(Chandler and Phoebe look bored to death. Monica scores and laughs)

Mike: Ok, so it's a tie again, 41 to 41.

Chandler: (exhausted) Ok, look! Enough is enough!

Monica: No, I have just to have two more points to beat him!

Chandler: Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Ok, you've already proven you are just as good as he is, now we've missed our dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!

Monica: I can't just walk away! I've put in four hours!

Chandler: But...

Monica: Look! You knew this about me when you married me! You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness!

Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning?

Monica: That's just good sense!

(they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand)

Monica: (in pain) Aww! (she holds her hand, moaning like she's biting back a scream)

Chandler: You ok?

Monica: No, no, no. Honey, I'm ok. Shake it off! (she shakes the wrist and it's more painful) Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! (pause) Oh my God! I can't play!

Mike: So you forfeit?

Phoebe: Mike wins?

Monica: I can't believe it! (pause) I lost!

Chandler: No, you didn't.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Because I'm gonna play for ya.

Phoebe: You can't do that!

Mike: Oh, that's ok. I don't care which of them I beat.

Phoebe: Ok, we're taking that paddle home, mister.

Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, you don't have to do this.

Chandler: (In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it's important to you then it's important to me, because I love you.

Monica: But... you suck!

Chandler: (Still in a loving voice) You're welcome, sweetheart.

(Chandler prepares to play)

Chandler: All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.

Mike: Ok!

(They start playing and Chandler does not suck at all)

Monica: Oh my God! You're good!

Phoebe: It's like watching porn!

(Chandler scores and wins the match)

Chandler: And that's... how... it's done!

Monica: (to Chandler) Oh my God. That was so amazing! When did you (pause) Hold on! I almost forgot (she turns to Mike) loser! (back to Chandler) When did you stop sucking?

Chandler: I never sucked, I actually didn't want you to know how good I was!

Monica: Why?

Chandler: I don't know.

Monica: This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments!

Chandler: That's why!

[Scene: Hotel's bar. Ross is running to Charlie trying not to be seen with two cocktails in his hands. She's hidden behind a huge plant]

Charlie: Thanks!

Ross: Hi.

Charlie: Are they still looking for us?

Ross: Yeah. The bartender said that they split up into two search parties, the herbivores and the carnivores. (pause) You know, we as a group are not the coolest.

(Three paleontologists walk by and Ross hugs Charlie trying not to be seen)

Ross: I don't think they saw us.

Charlie: I don't think they did.

(They realize that they are hugging closely and he draws back)

Charlie: Hum, so, I started to say you something earlier, hum... (pause) There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I kind of realized I... was starting to have feelings... for someone else.

Ross: (apparently unruffled) Oh. Can I... can I ask who?

Charlie: I think you know.

Ross: I think I know too but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so...

(Charlie kisses Ross, they stop for a moment and then he kisses her back)

Ross: I'm sorry... we... we can't.

Charlie: All right, all right.

Ross: I mean, you just went out with my best friend, and I just think it'd be a really really bad idea. (pause) Or-or not! (they kiss passionately)

(Joey walks in and sees Ross and Charlie kissing. He gives a faint, rueful smile, then he seems to recollect something and suddenly he moves back to Rachel's room. He knocks on her door and she opens)

Rachel: What?

(Joey says nothing, but enters the room and kisses her. They are kissing passionately only to stop for a brief "oh" from Rachel. They continue their passionate kiss and Joey closes the door with his foot and it shuts in the camera's "face". And that's the end of the ninth season.)

End

[1] Homo ergaster: Some scientists classify some African erectus specimens as belonging to a separate species, Homo ergaster, which differs from the Asian H. erectus fossils in some details of the skull (e.g. the brow ridges differ in shape, and erectus would have a larger brain size).

1001 - The One After Joey And Rachel Kiss

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug

[Scene: Barbados, Monica and Chandler's Room. They both enter from Ross's room. Monica still has her big, frizzy hair.]

Monica: Oh, the way you crushed Mike at ping pong was such a turn-on.You wanna...? (plays with her finger on Chandlers chest)

Chandler: You know, I'd love to, but I'm a little tired.

Monica: I'll put a pillowcase over my head.

Chandler: You're on!

(they start to get ready, but then Phoebe enters through the door from Ross's room)

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: What's up?

Phoebe: Well, okay, Mike's taking a shower, which by the way there's no law against. And then we're gonna grab some food, so if you want...

(there's a door slamming in Ross's room, and some indistinct murmuring)

Ross: ... finally...

Phoebe: Is that Ross?

Monica: Yeah, you can hear everything through these stupid walls.

Phoebe: Sounds like he's with someone.

Chandler: He could be alone. This morning I heard him do push-ups, and then talk to his triceps.

Monica: Wait a minute, I think Phoebe's right. You know I hear someone else in there with him.

(they all put their ear against the wall to be able to hear what's being said. We move to Ross's room where he and Charlie are kissing.)

Charlie: Ooh... Dr. Geller!

Ross: God, you're amazing... I didn't even have to ask you to call me that.

Monica: Oh my God, that's Charlie!

Chandler: She's cheating on Joey with Ross!

Phoebe: Oh that tart... floozy... giant...

Monica: I'm not sure about this.

Phoebe: Yeah, you're right. This is none of our business.

Monica: No I'm not sure that it's the best way to hear everything. Someone get me a glass!

Phoebe: Oh, I'm not gonna do this, okay? I'm not gonna eavesdrop on my friend.

Rachel: (through wall) Ooh... I love Barbados!

(Phoebe starts to listen at the other wall, where Rachel's room is. There, Joey and Rachel are kissing.)

Joey: Ooh... I can't believe I'm kissing you. I'm kissing Rachel!

Rachel: I know, I'm her!

(they start to kiss again, and Phoebe turns to Chandler and Monica)

Phoebe: (whispering) Rachel and Joey! It's Rachel and Joey!!!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Get over here!

(Chandler and Monica take a sprint to the other wall)

Rachel: ooh...

Chandler: Wow!

Monica: (in her Monica-excited-way... TOO LOUD!) Oh my God, I love how thin these walls are!

(In the rooms next door, Joey, Rachel, Ross and Charlie stop kissing and try to understand what the yelling was about. After a while they continue kissing. We're back in Chandler and Monica's room. Monica has some of her own hair stuffed in her mouth by Chandler.)

Monica: (muffled) Thank you.

OPENING CREDITS

(Rachel and Joey's)

Rachel: Hey, you know, before you said that nothing could happen between us? What changed?

Joey: Well, I only said that because of Ross, you know. Then I saw him kissing Charlie...

Rachel: What? Ross and Charlie? (Joey nods) Wow! She's really making her way through the group, huh? Ah, who am I to talk?

(Chandler and Monica's)

Monica: I can't believe this. Rachel and Joey?

Chandler: How about the dinosaur twins in the other room? No-one is manning that wall!

Monica: I'm on it!

Chandler: Anything?

Monica: I think I hear curtains closing...

Phoebe: We've got shoes being kicked off over here.

Monica: Bedsprings, unmistakable!

Chandler: You do realise that's your brother?

Monica: Not until you said it. Somebody switch! (Chandler makes a clicking sound with his fingers and Phoebe runs to the other wall. Monica returns to Chandlers wall.) Wait a minute... Ross and Charlie, Joey and Rachel, Phoebe and Mike! We're the only people leaving with the same person we came with.

Chandler: That's not true. I came with Monica and I'm leaving with Weird Al.

Monica: Okay, I've had it with the hair jokes. Tomorrow morning, before we leave, I'm going to the salon.

Chandler: Okay Buckwheat!

Phoebe: You gotta hear this, it's great... It's like free porn! (Chandler eagerly rushes over)

(Ross and Charlie's)

Ross: Weh...*sigh*

Charlie: uhm... Is everything okay?

Ross: Yeah, It's just... I don't think I can do this...

Charlie: Ooh... Is it because of what might be on the bedspread, because I saw that news report too, with the infra red and the ... I could just...

Ross: No, NO! (they're moving to the side of the bed, where they sit down) Look, I need to talk to Joey. I mean, you guys just broke up. Before anything more happens between us, I need to know he's okay with it.

Charlie: I uhm... I completely understand.

Ross: Alright, I'm gonna go find them... (twitches a bit, looks down) I just need a... need a before I can... you know. (gestures standing up... they sit and wait for a while) Grandma... grandma... grandma... (he tries to concentrate...) Okay, I see you later.

Charlie: Okay...

(Chandler and Monica's, all three of them are listening at the wall to Ross and Charlie's)

Phoebe: That's the door. He's gone...

Chandler: And she's... turning on the TV... and watching... Miss Congeniality!

Monica: Honey, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well!

(They are still listening at the wall, when Ross enters their room)

Ross: Hey, what are you guys doing?

Phoebe: Oh, we're just... we're sad to go so we're just saying goodbye to the hotel. (hugs the wall) I love you... Paradise Hotel, Golf resort and Spa... (she walks away from the wall)

Monica: (also hugs the wall) Yeah, we had a great time, thank you! (walks to Phoebe)

Chandler: (caresses the wall with his finger) Bye!

Ross: Okay, uhm... Hey, you guys seen Joey anywhere?

Chandler: He's probably in his room with his current girlfriend Charlie. That's the situation as we know it... (walks to Phoebe and Monica)

Ross: Well, if you see him could you please tell him I'm looking for him?

Chandler: You got it!

Ross: Thanks! (walks out of the room and starts hugging the wall) Thank you! (closes the door)

Monica: Other wall, people! Other wall!

(they rush to the wall to Rachel and Joey's, and we move to that room)

Ross: (knocks on door) Rach, you there? (Joey and Rachel both get up from the bed)

Joey: Oh my God, it's Ross. What are we gonna do?

Rachel: Oh, ju-ju-just stay calm. Just be calm. For all he knows we're just hanging out together. Right? Just be nonchalant. (Joey like stands at attention with his chest forward and his hands on his sides, looking up at the ceiling with his lips pouted.) That's not nonchalant!

Joey: No idea what it means.

Rachel: Oh... okay, just hide!

Ross: (knocks) Rach?

Rachel: Coming! Try under the bed, try under the bed!

(When Rachel starts to look under the bed if Joey would fit under there, Chandler opens the door inbetween the rooms, grabs Joey by his shirt and drags him to his room, and closes the door again)

Rachel: There's no room under the bed. (looks around because she can't find Joey anymore)

Ross: Is everything okay?

Rachel: Yeah... (still looking to see where Joey went, and opens the door)

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hi...

Ross: You know where Joey is?

Rachel: ...I really don't... (looks around again)

Ross: Can I talk to you for a minute?

Rachel: Yeah, sure... (looks outside into the corridor if Joey is there)

(Monica and Chandler's room. Phoebe, Monica and Chandler have their ears pressed against the wall, and Joey looks at them)

Joey: I don't believe this... Have you guys been...

Phoebe: Shhh... This is the listening side of the wall.

(Now Joey also wants to listen, and wants to press his ears against the door, which has a big mirror on it, he hesitates seeing himself in the mirror, but still puts his ear against it. We move again to Rachel's room.)

Ross: And then she told me that she and Joey had broken up, and that part of the reason was that she had feelings for me.

Rachel: (clearly not listening and still trying to find out where Joey went) Uh-huh... right... yeah...

Ross: And you know I wanted to ask Charlie out since the day I met her.

Rachel: (still searching) Oh, I know... I know it's been really hard for you.

Ross: Anyway, one thing lead to another, and... oh... before you know it, we were kissing. I mean, how angry do you think Joey is gonna be?

Rachel: (now looking up at the ceiling) That is hard to say, Ross. That is hard to say.

Ross: You know, I gotta go find him. He's gotta be here someplace.

Rachel: You would think!

(Ross leaves the room)

Rachel: Joey!

Joey: Is he gone?

Rachel: (still can't find him) How are you doing this?

(Joey now enters the room through the door, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe are following him.)

Joey: Pssst...

Rachel: How... wha... Hey! What are you... What is this? Have you guys been listening this entire time?

Monica, Chandler and Phoebe: YE-AH!

Phoebe: Now, what is this?

Rachel: Ah, what is this? Well, lets see, we kissed for ten minutes and now we're talking to our friends about it, so I guess this is sixth grade!

Phoebe: Oh no... Have you thought about it how complicated this could get? What about Ross?

Joey: Well, he's with Charlie now.

Monica: Yeah, but he wants to talk to you before anything really happens with her. And as his friend, I mean, don't you think he deserves the same from you?

Joey: (long pause and he twitches a bit) You're a pain in my ass, Geller!

Rachel: All right, look you guys... Look, we appreciate all the advice, but this is between Joey and me and I think we can handle it...

Chandler: Okay, well we'll go back in there, but will you do one thing for us? The people that care about you?

Rachel: Sure...

Chandler: Enunciate!

Rachel: Get out!

(They leave and Rachel locks the door.)

Rachel: Are they right?

Joey: Probably, yeah... I mean, maybe we should... hold off until we talk to Ross.

Rachel: Yeah... Yeah, we can wait, we don't have to do anything tonight.

Joey: Yeah, I think that'd be best... So, so I'm gonna... I'm gonna take off...

Rachel: (Joey walks to the door) Although...

Joey: (turns around very fast) I like although!

Rachel: I mean, you know... Ross and I haven't dated in like... six years...

Joey: Six years? Wow... It's almost as long as highschool...

Rachel: Plus, you know, he is with Charlie now.

Joey: Absolutely! He's not thinking about you.

Rachel: No...

Joey: I'm thinking about you...

Rachel: Yeah...

Joey: Let's forget about Ross...

Rachel: Forgotten.

(They want to kiss, but just before their lips touch, Rachel pulls back quickly, gasping)

Joey: What's wrong?

Rachel: Nothing...

Joey's voice, but she sees Ross: Seriously... What is it?

Rachel: Nothing... It's really... It's nothing... Come here, come here...

(again, just before their lips touch, she pulls back, gasping)

Joey's voice/Ross: What's wrong?

Rachel: Sorry, I just uhm... I can't seem to get Ross out of my head...

Joey: Well, maybe I can help. (he grabs her head passionately, closes his eyes and kisses... Ross in Rachel's dress! He realises it too late, and when he does, pushes Ross's/Rachel's head away)

Rachel/Ross: Ooh, your lips are so soft... Do that again... (and she/he moves in for another kiss. Joey, pushes her head away again...)

Joey: Yeah... we really need to talk to Ross...

Both: Yeah

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's room. Chandler is packing when Ross knocks on the door and enters...]

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: You guys ready to go?

Chandler: Not quite. Monica's still at the salon, and I'm just finishing packing.

Ross: Dude! You're not taking your Bible?

Chandler: You're not supposed to take that. Besides, it's a New Testament, what are you gonna do with it?

Ross: Learn about Jesus...

(Charlie now also enters the room, Chandler walks to the bathroom)

Ross: Hey!

Charlie: So, did you talk to Joey?

Ross: Uh, no... no. I couldn't find him. I'm just gonna talk to him on the plane.

Charlie: Yeah, sounds like a good idea... Dr. Geller!

Ross: Stop it!

Charlie: PHD

Ross: You're filthy!

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey, have you guys seen Monica?

Ross: Uh, actually I think she went to the salon.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh, she went to the salon alright...

(Monica enters, with her hair braided and little shells at the end)

Monica: Check it out!

Phoebe: Who's day just got better? CHANDLER!

(Chandler enters from the bathroom)

Chandler: Hey!... aaaaaahhhh!

Monica: What do you think?

Chandler: I think.... I think I can see your scalp.

Monica: Don't you just love it?

Ross: Ye... Yeah... Yeah... You got shellfish in your head.

Charlie: It's so... something... You go girlfriend!

Ross: You've never said that in your life, have you?

Charlie: Not once.

Ross: I thought so.

Monica: And listen to this... (shakes her body so the shells tingle)

Chandler: What d'ya know... It's a treat for the eyes and the ears.

[Scene: Boarding the plane.]

Joey: Whoo, whoo. Wow, it's uhm... kinda weird that I'm sitting next to Charlie after we broke up.

Chandler: Yeah, it's almost if Air Barbados doesn't care about your social life.

Joey: Look, does someone mind switching to sit with Charlie?

Ross: Oh, I uh, I mean, I... dude, I spent the whole conference with Charlie.

Joey: I understand...

Ross: No, I'll do it. (he quickly grabs Joey's boarding pass and gives Joey his one.)

Chandler: Wish I could switch with someone. I really don't wanna sit with Allen Iverson over there.

(Switch to Phoebe and Mike, who are kissing)

Phoebe: Uhm... You know, once we're in the air and the captain turns off the seatbelt sign... you feel free to roam about my cabin...

Mike: You should be careful when checking your overhead bins, 'cause items may shift during...

Phoebe: Aaah... you're not good at this...

Mike: You don't have to go home tonight, do you?

Phoebe: No, I think I can come over. It's Saturday, right?

Mike: Oh...

Phoebe: What?

Mike: Uhm... I can't do anything tonight.

Phoebe: Why not?

Mike: I have a date.

Phoebe: You have a... You have a date? With who?

Mike: Oh, it's... my girlfriend.

Phoebe: (lets go of his hand) You have... have a girlfriend?

Mike: Yeah... Well, when... you and I broke up I started seeing someone.

Phoebe: For how long?

Mike: Three months.

Phoebe: Three months? Okay... This is probably none of my business, but uhm, how long do you think you're gonna keep seeing her?

Mike: I'll tell her that it's over tonight at dinner. I promise.

Phoebe: Oh, okay... good. You do that. And then when you get home, maybe there'll be a special delivery package waiting for you.

Mike: Maybe I'll sign for it. Tear it open. Pull out the packing material...

Phoebe: You know what, we're gonna have sex. Let's just leave it there.

(cut to Charlie and Ross)

Ross: Right, I'm gonna go talk to Joey. I think this is the right time. He's always in a good mood after the flight attendant says "duty free".

Charlie: Okay... Good luck.

(Ross gets up and gestures to Rachel, we cut to Joey and Rachel)

Rachel: Ross is coming over. I think now would be a really good time to talk to him.

Joey: I guess so. I'm just... really nervous.

Rachel: Okay, well keep in mind that by the time you're done, they'll probably be serving dinner.

Joey: Ooh...

Rachel: Still nervous?

Joey: I'm gonna get the lasagna.

Ross: Hey Rach...

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: Do you mind if I sit here for a sec.?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah sure! Yeah! (mouths "Good luck" to Joey and gets up from her seat)

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: So, I uhm... kinda need to talk to you about Charlie.

Joey: Yeah?

Ross: Okay, last night after you guys broke up... so sorry to hear about that, by the way... Well, Charlie and I were talking, and..., well...

Joey: You kissed.

Ross: Wha... (gasps) What? What would give you that idea?

Joey: I saw you.

Ross: Yeah, we kissed, but... nothing else... nothing else happened, okay.

Joey: Ross, Ross, Ross... It's okay.

Ross: What?

Joey: It's okay. You know, I totally understand, alright? You guys, make way more sense than her and I ever did, you know. And... I want you to be happy.

Ross: Are you serious?

Joey: Yeah... Now I have something...

Ross: I am speachless... I mean the fact that you would put my happiness first like that. I mean, you're an incredible friend, you know that?

Joey: Oh... uh... look... before you...

Ross: No, I mean it. You are so loyal man, and selfless, and generous...

Joey: I am those things, yeah.

Ross: You know what? I know Chandler longer, so I always think of him as my best friend, but now... I may have to rethink some stuff...

Joey: Dude!

Ross: Hey, if there is ever, anything I can do for you...

Joey: I can't think of anything.

(They both hug, and Rachel, who was in the back of the plane, sees this and smiles.)

Ross: Thanks!

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross walks to the back of the plane, where Rachel is.)

Rachel: So hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: So you eh, you talked to Joey?

Ross: Ah, yeah. We had a really good talk.

Rachel: Oh! That's great!

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: Oh, so everything's okay?

Ross: Oh, no, it's great. It's great. He is... He is an amazing guy.

Rachel: Ah... Well, obviously I think so too.

Ross: Well, I'm so excited about this.

Rachel: Really? Excited?

Ross: Are you kidding? I have had some very dirty dreams about this...

Rachel: Excuse me! (and she walks back to Joey, who is still looking very impressed about what Ross said to him. Rachel looks at him and hits him.) You didn't tell him, did you?

Joey: I couldn't. He was saying all these really nice things about me. I didn't want him to get mad and take 'em all back. I'm on a edge on Chandler.

Rachel: Oh God! Alright, fine. You know what Joey, forget it. When we go back to New York, I will tell him.

Joey: Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that.

(Chandler walks by and Joey lets out an evil "muhahaho".)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Mike's apartment. Phoebe's there and the phone rings.]

Phoebe: Hi, Mike's place.

Mike: Hey, it's Mike.

Phoebe: Ooh, that was fast.

Mike: Oh, err... no, she's not here yet. You know, I think I'm just gonna take off and break up with her over the phone...

Phoebe: Yeah, you can't do that! Oh, come on Mike, strap on a pair.Why don't you just tell her that we got back together. You know, women appreciate honesty. We also appreciate gentle spanking once in a while. Just F.Y.I.

Mike: One more thing... There... might be a picture of Precious on my coffee table.

Phoebe: Her name is Precious? Is she a purebreed or did you pick her up at the pound?

Mike: Anyway, I just wanna give you a heads up.

Phoebe: Okay, oh and you know, if she gets upset, just scratch her tummy and give her a liver snout. (laughs and hangs up the phone)

(there's knocking on the door which Phoebe opens)

Precious: Hi, I'm Precious, who are you?

Phoebe: (stunned) I... I'm Phoebe.

Precious: Phoebe? Mike's ex-girlfriend Phoebe, the love of his life? That Phoebe?

Phoebe: Enchanté (she holds out her hand, and they shake hands)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Monica's carrying the laundry hamper to their coffee table.]

Monica: Oh, I can't wait for everyone at work to see these... (plays with her hair to make the shells tingle again) Ow!

Chandler: You go back to work tomorrow night, right?

Monica: Yeah!

Chandler: So if you want people to see them, then by definition you're not having them taken out... say, at the break of dawn?

Monica: Well, if I had them taken out, then I wouldn't be able to do this. (she pushes Chandler on the couch and brushes her hair and shells against Chandler's chest) You like that, right? (again, she brushes her hair against his chest and hums...)

Chandler: What are you singing?

Monica: It's "Bolero" from "10".

Chandler: It's "Ride of the Valkyries" from "Apocalypse Now"... See, here's the thing: The corn rose were really a solution to your frizzy hair problem. And now that we're home, we don't have that problem anymore, so if you think about it... I hate them!

Monica: You what? You said you liked them.

Chandler: Did I? Let's refresh. I believe what I said was that I could see your scalp.

Monica: Fine, so you don't like them. Everybody else does.

Chandler: Again, let's journey back... As I recall what Rachel said, was she had never notice the shape of your skull before. And Joey... Well, Joey didn't realise that there was anything different.

Monica: You know what? I don't care. I like it like this, and I'm gonna keep it. You're just jealous because your hair can't do this... (and she shakes her head more violently) OUCH!

Chandler: Hit yourself in the tooth?

Monica: And the eye!

[Scene: Ross's apartment.Someone's knocking on the door. Ross rushes to the door and it's Rachel with Emma.]

Ross: (gasps) Hi... There she is. Hi Emma. Oh my God, I missed you. (kisses her) Oh Emma, I missed you so much. Hey... Did you have a good time with grandma Green? Huh? Did she give you a bottle of anti-depressants again to use as a rattle? (to Rachel)

Rachel: That was one time, Ross, and they were only like 5 milligrams.

Ross: Ooh hey, Emma, daddy has some presents for you okay? Okay? I want you to wait right here. Come here sweetie.

Rachel: Aaah... Ross, actually there's something that I really need to talk to you about.

Ross: (unpacking his bag) Okay, shoot!

Rachel: Okay, uhm... alright, here's the deal.

Ross: (gasps) OH NO!

Rachel: What? What is it?

Ross: Oh, major shampoo explosion!

Rachel: Uh, look Ross, this really isn't easy.

Ross: Oh, it's all over everything. Why? Why me? (looks up)

Rachel: Because you took three hundred bottles of shampoo?

Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You were saying?

Rachel: Well, yeah... Okay, look it's about me and...

Ross: Oh, not another one! Oh my G... And this is moisturiser. It's even harder to clean! Why? Why do bad things happen to good people?

Rachel: Wow! Well, clearly this is not a good time.

Ross: Duh, you think? (enters the kitchen)

[Scene: Mike's place. Phoebe is on the phone.]

Phoebe: Okay, bye. Alright, so Mike's on his way over. See, you thought you guys were meeting here, and he thought you were meeting at the restaurant, so you know... Doesn't really matter who's right or wrong. Point is... I'm gonna take off.

Precious: I'm not letting you leave until you tell me what's going on here. I mean, are you guys getting back together or something?

Phoebe: Alright... Susie, can I call you Susie?

Precious: My name is Precious.

Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say that. uhm... Susie, I'm gonna be straight with you... Mike and I are back together... and uhm... unfortunately that effectively ends your relationship with him. And he's very sorry about that and wishes you the best of luck in all your endeavours.

Precious: I just can't believe this... Why?

Phoebe: Well, I don't...

Precious: Oh, why would he do this? I mean, what's wrong with me?

Phoebe: Nothing, there's nothing wrong with you.

Precious: I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do now?

Phoebe: Damn it woman, pull yourself together! Have some pride, for the love of God.

(Precious starts crying)

Phoebe: Okay, not a fan of the tough love.

Precious: I just can't believe that Mike didn't give me any warning.

Phoebe: But he didn't really know, you know. He wasn't planning on coming to Barbados and proposing to me...

Precious: He proposed to you? This is the worst birthday ever. (she starts to cry again)

Phoebe: Look, Precious... Mike's not worth this. You're an attractive, intelligent woman and let's face it, Mike's kind of a wang. I mean, he proposed to me while he was still seeing you... He was gonna break-up with you on your birthday? And, I don't like to kiss-and-tell, but he cheated on you a lot this weekend.

Precious: Oh, my God, maybe you're right. Maybe I don't need him. I deserve to be treated with respect.

(Mike enters the apartment.)

Precious: Screw you, Mike. You're a coward and a bastard, and I hope you rot in hell.

(she slaps him in the face, Mike looks like he doesn't believe what just happened. Precious leaves, and he turns to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: You're welcome!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's. Only Chandler is in the living room and walks to the bathroom.]

Chandler: Honey, you've been in there for a long time... Is everything okay?

Monica: Not really.

(Chandler enters the bathroom, and Monica is standing there in a towel, with her hair stuck in the shower curtain.)

Monica: I have a problem.

Chandler: Really? What happened?

Monica: Well, I was dancing around, and singing "No Woman, No Cry" and I got stuck.

Chandler: You can't move at all?

Monica: Oh, well, I can move... (she moves back and forth the shower curtain rail, opening and closing the shower curtain with her hair as she goes)

Chandler: If I untangle you, will you please get rid of the corn rose?

Monica: (looking disappointed) I guess so...

Chandler: (trying to untangle her) Some of these look a little frayed.

Monica: Yeah, I tried to gnaw myself free.

[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Joey: So, did you err... did you tell Ross?

Rachel: Well, I tried, but then he had a shampoo related emergency. So I guess now it's your turn again.

Joey: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... I think it's better if you tell him, you know. It's easier for a woman. That way, you know, if he gets mad, all you have to do is go... I didn't mean it. I'm so so--ooory. (he pushes his breasts together from the side)

Rachel: Yeah, 'cause that's what we do.

Joey: Alright, alright, okay, uhm... How 'bout this, how about this? Tomorrow... tomorrow we'll both go and we'll tell him together.

Rachel: Okay, that sounds fair. It just means that once again we can't...

Joey: I know, I know..., but that's okay. I mean, we can control ourselves, we're not animals.

Rachel: No! Of course we can wait. Alright, so I guess that means good night then?

Joey: Yeah! Good night! (they give each other a small kiss on the mouth, and stare at each other for a while)

Rachel: Goo--ood night!

Joey: Good night! (they give each other a kiss again, but this time it lasts longer)

Rachel: Seriously, good night!

Joey: Stop saying good night.

Rachel: Okay.

(Now they kiss passionately... and then Ross enters with Emma. They freeze, pull away and look at Ross who looks like he just can't believe what he's seeing. Joey straightens his shirt, and Rachel says I'm so-oo sorry, and presses her breasts together, just like Joey did before.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Monica walks in with one of those knitted Rasta hats.]

Monica: Look what I found in the drawer... (Chandler looks up from his book.) And you said I'd never wear this...

Chandler: Now that I untangled you, how 'bout you doing a little something for me?

Monica: Sure, what do you have in mind?

Chandler: I think you know.

Monica: Really? I don't really feel like it.

Chandler: This is what I want to do.

Monica: Okay, I just don't get why you like it so much.

Chandler: (Picks up the "Miss Congeniality" DVD) She's an FBI agent, posing as a beauty contestant.

THE END

1002 - The One Where Ross Is Fine

Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer

Directed by: Ben Weiss

Transcribed by: Kreidy

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. The scene starts where we took off in the last episode with Ross seeing Joey and Rachel kissing. Rosss tares at them.]

Joey: Okay, Ross, I realise that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but.. Let me explain, okay?

Rachel: We weren't doing anything!

Joey: Rach, he just saw us.

Rachel: Shhh.

Joey: But what you saw, that is the extent of it, okay? One kiss.

Rachel: No, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed in Barbados.

Joey (to Rachel): Dude, chill! (to Ross) Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie.

Rachel: Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill.

Joey: Look, we probably should have talked to you about this before it ever happened, but..

Rachel: We feel so terrible about this, Ross.

Joey: Yeah, but it did happen, so...

(Ross looks shocked and says nothing.)

Joey: Ross?

Rachel: Ross? (to Joey) Can we just close the door?

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Ross, say something. Anything.

Ross: So you two are..?

Joey and Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: And have you .. ed?

Joey: No, no, no!

Rachel: No, no, no!

Ross: But if I hadn't walked in here, would you..?

Joey: Probably.

(Rachel looks at him.)

Joey: No, no!

Rachel: Ross, this is not how we wanted you to find out about this. You have every right to go nuts.

Ross: I'm not going nuts. Do you see me go nuts?

Rachel: No, but you know what I mean.

Ross: Hey, hey, hey... If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. (Squeaky.) I'm fine!

Joey: Really?

Ross: Absolutely. (Very Squeaky.) I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, (deep voice) I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like.. (Screams.) But now that I've had time to absorb it; Lovin' this.

Joey: Ross..

Ross: It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do?

Rachel: Calm ourselves?

Ross: No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!!

Joey: Look, don't you think that will be a little weird?

Ross: Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!! (Storms off.)

Joey: I do like fajitas.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.]

Monica: God, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.. There are so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives.

Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hey guys!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey, have you seen Frank Jr., 'cause he's meeting me here with the triplets.

Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds.

(Monica glares at him.)

Monica: That's sweet. Drink your hair.

Phoebe: Hey, what's all this stuff?

Monica: Oh, they're brochures from different adoption agencies.

Phoebe: Ooh, babies! Oh, this one is so cute, get this one!

Monica: That's not really how it works.

Phoebe: Oh, how does it work?

Monica: I don't know!

Phoebe: Well, if you're having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen. They adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you.

Monica: Thanks, that would be great. Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great?

(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)

(Frank Jr. and the triplets enter.)

Frank Jr.: Alright, alright, alright. Remember what we talked about. When we're in a public place, there are certain rules.

(The triplets scream and run amok in the coffeehouse.)

Frank Jr.: That's not what we talked about!!

Phoebe: Hey!

Frank Jr.: Hey.

Phoebe: Good to see you.

Frank Jr.: Good to see you, too.

Monica: Hi Frank.

Frank Jr.: Hi, how you doin'?

Monica: Oh, my goodness, they've all gotten so big!

(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)

Monica: Which one is which again?

Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him.

Monica (reads a form in her lap): "Willing to adopt triplets?" No!

[Scene: The hallway in Ross's building. Joey and Rachel are on their way to Ross's dinner.]

Joey: Ah, can I just say I know we're doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first date.

Rachel: Well, what would we be doing?

Joey: I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home...

Rachel: Feel me up?

Joey: In a carriage!

(Charlie walks up to them.)

Joey: Hey, Charlie!

Rachel: Hey.

Charlie: Hi, hi. So.. Dreading this?

Rachel: Oh, you bet.

(Joey sees that she's carrying a small red bag.)

Joey: So, did you bring a little something for Ross?

Charlie: Actually.. It's stuff you left at my apartment.

Joey: Oh. Oh, thanks.

Charlie: And you know, you can just give me my stuff whenever you want.

Joey: Yeah, I didn't throw any of that out..

(They enter Ross's apartment. Ross is already quite hyper.)

Ross: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! (Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. (Laughs.) I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. (He squeezes her hand.) Come, please come in. Come in.

Rachel: Okay, well, we brought you some wine.

Ross: Oh! That is so thoughtful. (To Joey.) She's a keeper. And what did you bring me? (Grabs the bag that Charlie brought for Joey.)

Joey: Uh, actually, that's..

Ross: Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!!

Charlie: Gosh, Ross, you know, you seem a little...

Ross: What? Fine? Because I am! Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who else is fine?

Joey: Okay, listen, hey, Ross. Why don't you try to relax, okay? Maybe have a drink.

Ross: You know what? That is a very good idea. I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas.

(Does a Mexican dancing-thing before going to the kitchen.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. The triplets are now sleeping on top of each other on the couch.]

Phoebe: Oh, god. So adorable. Look at them sleeping there like angels.

Frank Jr.: Yeah, I really cherish these moments, 'cause before you know it, they're gonna be awake again.

Phoebe: Well, they may be a handful, but they're so cute.

Frank Jr.: Yeah.

Phoebe: Oh, god, the last time I babysat them, they did the funniest thing..

Frank Jr.: I haven't slept in four years!

Phoebe: That's a, that's a long time.

Frank Jr.: You just don't know how hard it is, Phoebe. There's just so many of them. You know, two I can handle. Two's great. You just hold one in each hand, but what do I do when the third one runs at me with his bike helmet on. I've got no more hands to protect my area! There's three of them, Phoebe, three!

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted them when they were coming out of my area.

Frank Jr.: Sometimes I think that.. Oh, no, no, no, I can't say it, it's too horrible. No.

Phoebe: What?

Frank Jr.: No, I can't.

Phoebe: Oh my god, Frank, are you thinking of leaving? Because I didn't have those triplets so you could just run out on them!

Frank Jr.: Oh, no! I would never do that. No. I just was thinking that, you know, maybe you could take one.

Phoebe: What?! You can't separate them! That's terrible. Which one?

[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.]

Monica: Thank you so much for seeing us. Phoebe has told us such great things about you guys.

Colleen: Oh, please, we're happy to help.

Bill: We went through the same thing when we were adopting.

Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?

(Bill and Colleen look shocked.)

Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home.

Monica: Well, we appreciate anything you can tell us.

Colleen: Well, actually, I think this might help.

(She gives Monica a big binder that's perfectly in order.)

Colleen: It's pretty much all the information you need.

Monica: Oh my god!

Colleen: Everything is broken down into categories, and then cross-referenced, and then colour-coded to correspond with the forms in the back.

Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm.

Bill: I know the process is frustrating, but it's so worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing that ever happened to us.

Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?

(Monica looks at him.)

Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?

Monica: It's.. It's just so pretty and white.

Colleen: The bathroom is down the hall, to your left.

(Chandler leaves.)

Colleen: I would have told him to do it too.

Monica: Can I adopt you?

(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.)

Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.

Owen: Yeah.

Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.

Owen: You were?

Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother.

Owen: Huh?

Chandler: You know how to use a compass?

Owen: I have a badge in it.

Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!

Owen: You wanna see it?

Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.

Owen: What?!?

Chandler: What?

Owen: I'm adopted?

(Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)

Chandler: I got nothing.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is totally wasted, but he's still drinking all the margaritas.]

Ross: The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood.

Rachel: Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some.

Ross: Oh, guys, this is fun, isn't it? You know? Just the four of us. Just hangin'.

Joey: Dude, are you okay? And when are the fajitas gonna be ready?

Ross: I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just.. I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension.

Rachel: No awareness.

Ross: We make a great foursome. We should do more stuff together. Ooh! Let's take a trip. Okay, where do you think we - we can go?

(The oven timer pings in the kitchen.)

Ross: My fajitas!!

(He runs off to the kitchen.)

Rachel: Look, Charlie, I just want you to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally doesn't drink like this.

Charlie: Oh, you know what? This is nothing. My father is a raging alcoholic.

(Joey and Rachel don't know how to respond to that.)

Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry, have I made this evening uncomfortable?

(Ross enters carrying a frying pan with fajitas - without any oven mitts.)

Ross: Fajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot plate!!

Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!

(Ross laughs.)

Ross: That is gonna hurt tomorrow!

[Scene: Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. Continued from earlier.]

Phoebe: Okay, well, this is crazy. Can't seriously be talking about me taking one of your kids, can we?

Frank Jr.: No, of course we're not.

Phoebe: Insane.

Frank Jr.: I know.

Phoebe: Alice would never go for it, right?

Frank Jr.: Oh, I don't know, she's pretty tired, too, I think we've got her onboard.

Phoebe: Well, just you know, for argument's sake, you know, hypothetically. Which one would you be willing to give up?

Frank Jr.: Huh.

Phoebe: Frank Jr.Jr.?

Frank Jr.: Oh, you'd be getting a really good one. I mean, you know, he's really funny. Like, the other day he made up this joke.

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Frank Jr.: What's green and says "hey, I'm a frog"? A talking frog! (Laughs.) Oh, no, you can't have him, he's too funny.

Phoebe: Well, alright, that's fine. What about Leslie?

Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no. Not Leslie. No, she's, she's the only one that knows how to burp the alphabet.

Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler.

Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..

Phoebe: Wow, Frank. I think we just ran out of kids.

Frank Jr.: Oh, I think you're right. Oh, wow. Phoebe, I don't think I can give one of them up. I mean, you know, they drive me crazy, but they're my babies.

Phoebe: I'm sorry, Frank. I didn't realise things were so bad. You know, I'll help out more. I can - I can babysit any time you want. You name the day, and I'll be there.

Frank Jr.: How about tomorrow?

Phoebe: Well, that's not good. But you know, I can move some stuff around, and I'll be there. You and Alice just take the whole day together.

Frank Jr.: You'd do that for us?

Phoebe: Are you kidding? That's what sisters are for.

Frank Jr. (looks at the triplets): Look at them! Aw. I love you so much. (Strokes Leslie's hair, and she moves a little.) Oh crap, don't wake up, don't wake up!

[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.]

Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen?

Monica: They're in the kitchen getting something to eat. Can you believe how nice they are?

Chandler: We have to leave!!

Monica: Why? What did you do in the bathroom?

Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.

Monica: Oh my god, where's my purse? No, you know what? I can replace everything in there. Get that binder, and let's go!

(Bill and Colleen enter.)

Colleen: Hey.

Bill: Some little snacks for everybody. Oh, you don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are for Owen.

Colleen: I'll go get him in a second. By the way, you should know we haven't told him he's adopted yet.

Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?

(Owen comes running in.)

Owen: I'm adopted?!

Chandler: See? Intuitive!

Bill: What? Where did you hear that?

Owen: He told me! And he paid me 50 dollars not to tell.

Chandler: Which technically now you should give back!

Colleen: You told him he's adopted?

Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."

Owen: He isn't?!

Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of here, baby!

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas when Ross enters from the kitchen.]

Ross: Everyone? I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey.

Rachel: Ooy.

Ross: And to love. Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?

Rachel: Oh my god, are we supposed to answer?

Ross: O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own.

(Ross chokes up and pauses. Rachel and Joey look at him.)

Joey: Dude, are you okay?

Ross: Totally.

Rachel: Ross, you don't seem okay.

Ross (on the verge of tears): I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan.

Charlie: Wait, Ross. Ross. I - I have to take off.

Ross: No!

Charlie: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.

Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.

Charlie: You're on fire! I'll call you in the morning, okay?

Ross: Okay.

Charlie: Alright.

(Ross goes to the kitchen.)

Charlie: God, Rachel, what Ross just said that is just so..

Rachel: Oh, that's okay, girls tend not to like me.

Charlie: Bye.

(Ross enters from the kitchen with three plates with flan.)

Ross: Okay, I guess it's just flan for three! Hey, hey, that rhymed!

Rachel: You know what, Ross? I think we're gonna take off too.

Ross: Oh, oh. Of course. God, I'm so stupid. You guys are a couple now. I mean, you probably just want to be alone.

Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late...

Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine. It's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas. It's all good.

(The oven timer pings again.)

Ross: I don't even know what that's for.

(He goes back to the kitchen.)

Joey: You know what? I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's okay.

Rachel: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Joey: Yeah. I'll see you in the morning.

Rachel: Uh-huh. Okay. You know what, Joey, I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this.

Joey: It doesn't look good, does it?

(They kiss each other on the cheek, and Rachel leaves.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment the next morning. Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with a cup of coffee for him.]

Joey: Morning. Here you go.

Ross: Thanks. Did you stay here all night?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: So you took off my pants and shoes?

Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.

Ross: What do you mean?

Joey: Well, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. And clearly..

Ross: Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine!

Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're.. You're Ross and Rachel.

Ross: Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that right? Has it been that long?

Joey: That's what I hear, yeah.

Ross: This is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel?

Joey: Come on, I mean, you know me, you know...

Ross: Joey.

Joey: I'm crazy about her.

Ross: And she feels the same way?

Joey: I think so.

Ross: Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved on.

Joey: Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay with it.

Ross: No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she?

Joey: No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me. Are you sure about this?

Ross: Yeah, I'm sure.

Joey: And we're okay?

(Ross smiles and holds up his hand for a high-five, but he has forgotten about his burnt hands. He gasps in pain as Joey grabs his hand.)

ENDING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.]

Monica: Hey, Phoebs

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Uhm, we just wanna give you a heads-up. Bill and Colleen hate us.

Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Still, he had to find out sometime.

Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?

(The triplets stare at him.)

Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)

THE END

Friends

1003 - The One With Ross' Tan

Written by: Brian Buckner

Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]

Chandler: So, you and Rachel tonight, huh?

Joey: Yeah. It's actually our first official date

Chandler: Wow! So tonight may be the night! You're nervous?

Joey: Naa, no. This is the part I'm actually good at.

Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing.

Joey: (pause) It's OK!

Chandler: How can you be so confident?

Joey: Well, I... I know exactly what I'm gonna do!

Chandler: Really? Like you have a routine?

Joey: No, no no no no. See. Each woman is different.You have to appreciate their uniqueness.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: No, I do six things! First, I look deep in her eyes. Then, I kiss her. Next I take my hand and I softly graze her thigh.

Chandler: You mean like this? (he starts touching his thigh in a funny and awkard way)

Joey: NO! Not like that, no no. No, like this. (He starts lightly grazing Chandler's thigh)

Chandler: Oh, I see what you mean, that's quite nice. (They look at each other, both embarassed)

Joey: More foosball?

Chandler: ...and beer!!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene:Central Perk. Ross and Chandler are on the couch]

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Ross and Chandler: Hey!

Monica: (to Chandler) Hey sweetie! (they kiss)

Ross: (looking at Monica's legs) WOW!

Chandler: Hey! Stop staring at my wife's legs! No no! Stop staring at your sister's legs!

Ross: I'm sorry, it's just... how did you get so tan?

Chandler: She went on one of those spray-on tan places.

Ross: Eh, you got a spray-on tan?

Monica: Chandler gets pedicures!

Ross: (laughing) Why, why you do, like with the-the toe separators?

Chandler: (To Monica) Why...why?

Ross: Still, I can't believe that's sprayed on... I mean, it looks really good. I wonder if I should get one!

Chandler: Sure, then you should get a mini skirt so you can really show it off.

Ross: So, do you get colours or just French tips?

Monica: There. Here's their card.

Ross: Thanks. (he takes the card) Hey, I know where this place is! It used to be an X-rated video... (pauses when he realizes what he is saying) florist. (he goes away)

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey Pheebs!

Monica: Hey Phoebe!

Phoebe: Oh, you won't believe who moved back to town.

Monica: I know, Amanda! Ah! She called me too! She's the worst!

Chandler: Who's Amanda?

Monica: She's this girl who used to live in the building before you did. Then she moved to England and she picked up this fake British accent. On the machine this is her message. (she apes Amanda using an awful British accent) "Monica, darling! It's Amanda calling!"

Chandler: Are you trying to do a British accent?

Monica: (pause) (to Phoebe) Chandler gets pedicures!

Chandler: Just so I know, how many more of those can I expect?

Phoebe: You know what Amanda said to me when she got me on the phone? (apes Amanda in a british accent) "Oh, so sorry to catch you on your Mo-Bile!" If-if you don't wanna get me on my mo-Bile, don't call me on my mo-Bile!"

Monica: I know, and she's always bragging about all the famous people she's met.

Phoebe: Oh, I know! "Oh...I slept with Billy Joel". All right, who hasn't?

Monica: Oh, what are we gonna do! I don't wanna see her!!

Phoebe: Ugh, Let's just cut her out!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Cut her out of our lives! Just ignore her calls and dodge her 'till she gets the point!

Monica: Oh, I guess we could try that, but... it seems so harsh! (to Chandler) Have you ever done that?

Chandler: No, had it done to me though. Feels good !

[Scene: At the tanning salon. Ross and a male assistant are walking through a hall]

Assistant: Alright Mr. Geller! Right this way! So, how dark do you wanna be? We have one, two or three.

Ross: Well... I like how you look, what are you?

Assistant: Puerto Rican.

Ross: Two, I think a two.

Assistant: You've got to face the red light. When the red light goes on the spraying is about to start so close your eyes. When the spraying stops, count to five. Pat yourself down to avoid drip marks then turn around so we can get your back. Got it?

Ross: Spray, count, pat, then turn, spray, count and pat.

Assistant: Wow, you catch on quick.

Ross: Well, I have a PhD, so... (assistant walk out, not impressed by this statement)

(Ross takes his bathrobe off and he enters the tanning booth. He stands up in front of the red light and the sprayer starts and sprays his face and torso)

Ross: One Mississipi, two Mississipi, Three Mis...(the sprayer starts again, spraying him in the face and torso again) WAIT! WAIT! I'm not-I've not finished counting!! (he leaves the booth) (the assistant enters the room)

Ross: You sprayed my front twice!

Assistant: You've never turned?

Ross: No, I barely even got to three Mississippi.

Assistant: Mississippi? I said count to five'!

Ross: Mississippilesly? (pause) Well, how bad is it?

Assistant: Ain't that bad yet, but it keeps getting darker for the next four hours.

Ross: So, how dark is it gonna get?

Assistant: You got sprayed with two two' s and...

Ross: I'm a four?

Assistant: Yeah, but you're back's a zero. You're gonna wanna even that out.

Ross: (sarcastically) Really!

Assistant: You might wanna get back in there.

Ross: (annoyed) Ok!

(The assistant leaves and Ross goes back in the spray-on tan booth and turns his back to the spray nozzles, facing the back wall)

Ross: Wait, wait a minute, there's no light on the back wall! How do I know when it's gonna start? Hello? (he slowly turns and the spraying begins, on his face) Ah, oh, ah! (he turns, but then he turns again and is sprayed in the front again) Ah! (he spits and angrily goes out of the spray-on tan booth and the assistant enters the room) The same thing happened again!

Assistant: You got two more twos?

Ross: (hysterically) I'm an eight!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Joey and Rachel enter the room]

Rachel: Thanks for dinner.

Joey: I thought you paid. (Rachel does not answer and seems puzzled) Ha, guess we won’t be going back there!

Rachel: So.

Joey: Yeah.

(Joey and Rachel start kissing)

Joey: Hey what do you say, we move this onto the likes of the couch?

Rachel: I say ‘cheesy line’, but ok.

(They move on the couch and start kissing again. Joey does his grazing on Rachel’s thigh and she slaps his hand)

Joey: What’s the matter?

Rachel: I am sorry, I don’t know, I am sorry, I don’t know why I did that!

Joey and Rachel: Okay

Rachel: Ok, so sorry.

(They start kissing again and, when Joey grazes her thigh, she slaps him on his hand again)

Rachel: I am sorry! Again... I don't know, I don’t know what happened, I must be nervous!

Joey: I don’t get it, Chandler loved it!

Rachel: Ok, ok, ok. I promise, I promise, I promise, I won’t do it again. I really do. I promise. This is gonna be great.

Joey: Ok.

(They start kissing again and when Joey grazes, she slaps him three times, on the hand, and on both cheeks)

Joey: (a little giddy) Uh, was that good for you?

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Monica and Phoebe are reading magazines when the phone rings and Phoebe reaches to pick it up]

Monica: (to Phoebe) No, no, don’t get it. Let the machine pick up.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Could be Rachel asking if someone could baby-sit again.

Monica: It could be Amanda!

Phoebe: Oh, you’re right! I was just kidding about Rachel. Babysitting is a gas!

(The machine picks up the phone)

Amanda: Hello Monica. It’s Amanda calling again. I am in the neighborhood hoping I can pop by your flat!

Monica: You're from Yonkers! Your last name is Buffo-Martisis!

Amanda: Let’s see.. to assure you get this directly, ring me back on my mobile.

Phoebe: Ok, don’t hold thy breath!

(Sound of dialing numbers is heard from the speaker of the machine)

Chandler: Hello? Is someone on the line?

Amanda: Yes, I was looking for Monica.

Chandler: Hang on, she’s right here. (he enters the living room and hands the phone to Monica) Someone's on the phone, for ya.

Monica: We weren’t picking up, it’s Amanda!

Chandler: (to Amanda) I get pedicures!

Monica: Hi Amanda! Actually now... it’s... is not a good time. Dinner tomorrow night? (Phoebe mouths 'no') Ok, Phoebe and I will see you then!

Phoebe: Why, why, why didn’t you just say no!

Monica: Well, I said 'no' to her coming over now! I couldn’t say 'no' twice! I get this uncontrollable need to please people!

Phoebe: (leaving) Fine, fine! You would not hold up well under torture!

Monica: And you would?

Phoebe: I did!

[scene: Joey’s apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting on the couch]

Joey: Rach, you sure you wanna do this?

Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely. I d... it’s just a little weird, it’s you, and it’s me, it's just gonna take some getting used to.

Joey: Ok. Well, how, how can we make it easier?

Rachel: Ok, let’s work from the top down! (Joey nods, but then puzzled because he does not get it) Just work the bra, Joe!

Joey: Ok, yeah, got it.

Rachel and Joey: Okay.

(They start kissing and Joey starts to undo her bra, but fails completely)

Joey: This thing welded shut?!

Rachel: Okay.

Joey: All right, turn around, I got to get a look at this thing.

Rachel: Oh!

(Joey starts trying to undo her bra, but it won’t go.The elastic band snaps back, hurting Rachel.)

Rachel: Ow!

Joey: Sorry!

Rachel: Well this is romantic!

Joey: I'm sorry! (He stands up) This never happened to me before! I'm an expert at taking off bras! I can do it with one hand! I can do it with my eyes closed! One time I just looked at one, and it popped open! I blame your bra!

Rachel: It’s a standard issue bra clasp!

Joey: Then I blame you! Yeah! That's right! You threw me off with all your slapping!

Rachel: Ok well, well I'm really, I'm sorry about that Joey, but do you think that maybe on some level, you don't want to take off my bra?

Joey: (contemplates for a few moments what Rachel just said) NAH! I don't have another level!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]

(Chandler is at the table reading; Monica puts some food for him on the table. Ross walks in looking very tanned. Chandler and Monica look up at him smiling.)

Chandler: Hold on! There is something different.

Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.

Chandler: Was that place... The Sun?

Ross: Oh! And it gets worse! (Turns his side to Chandler and Monica and pulls up his shirt. There's a distinct line across his body, where his belly is very tanned and his back is very pale.)

Chandler: Oh My God! You can do a duet of Ebony and Ivory all by yourself!

Monica: How could you mess this up? It's so easy? You go into the booth, you count to five and you turn around!!

Ross: (looks at her suspiciously) How do you count to five?

Monica: One Two Three...

Ross: (Yells) Damnit! (Goes to the door to leave. Rachel just enters, sees him and starts laughing)

Rachel: (laughing) oooh! Oh oh!

Ross: (Still yelling) I Know!

Rachel: oh oh! What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?

Chandler: How was your date with Joey?

Rachel: Well, it was good.. until we got back to our apartment, and then we were fooling around and he started to put his hand up my leg and I kept slapping it away!

Chandler: You didn't like that?

Rachel: Well, it wasn't just me, alright? He freaked out too! He couldn't even undo my bra!

Monica: Wow, really? One time he just looked at my bra and it popped open.

(Chandler starts looking at her bra)

Rachel: I do not know what's wrong with us, I mean, we have kissed before and that's been great! But this time it was leading somewhere and I was very aware of the fact that it was Joey touching me.

Monica: Well, you guys have been friends forever. Remember the first time that you kissed Ross? How weird that was? You couldn't stop laughing? You got through that.

Rachel: (looking thoughtful) Ok, that's true. That's true, we can do this. You're right, you're right, we can do this. We're just gonna power through!

(Joey walks in)

Joey: Hey Chandler can I talk to you for a second (points to the hall).

Rachel: (To Joey) No need!! Problem solved, we are powering through (At which point she grabs his hand and pulls him back to their apartment).

(Chandler resumes staring at Monica's bra)

Monica: (sees what he is doing) Chandler, stop! It is not going to pop open!

Chandler: (without taking his eyes off the bra) You don't know! (Monica just smiles)

[Scene: Central Perk.]

(Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Monica walks in.)

Monica: Hey Phoebe!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Is Amanda here yet?

Phoebe: No.

Monica: (sits down) Oh good. Good, look I'm so sorry, for screwing up that cutting-her-out plan. But I have a new plan. Chandler agreed to call here in a few minutes with an emergency.

Phoebe: Oh! Well, what kind of emergency that gets us both out of here?

Monica: Well, what do you think of Mike and Chandler being in a car accident?

Phoebe: (makes a face) Are you kidding, I love it!

(A blonde woman walks in. Supposedly Amanda)

Phoebe: Hi!

Monica: Hi!

Amanda: Hi! (Phoebe and Amanda hug)

Amanda: (To Monica) Hello!

(Monica holds her hands out for a hug, but instead of hugging her, Amanda hangs her purse on one of Monica's extended arms.)

Amanda: (In a fake British accent) It's so nice to see you! Both of you! Look at me. Look how young I look! (gives her coat to Monica as well) Oh gosh! We have so much to catch up on! But first things first: touch my abs (at which point she grabs both Phoebe and Monica's hands and places them both on her stomach) I don't exercise at all! (she pulls them down to sit.) Oh gosh, so Monica, you're married!

Monica: (beaming) Yeah! Yeah! His name is Chandler and...

Amanda: (To Phoebe) Smell my neck! (Phoebe does so) It's not perfume! It's me! It's my natural scent!

(Monica looks shocked)

Phoebe: Musty!

Amanda: Oh! Gosh! This is brilliant. Gosh, it's just like old times. I'm so happy you two are friends again!

Monica: When were we not friends?

Amanda: Well, it was 1992, and I remember because that was the year I had sex with Evil Knievel (She starts laughing very proudly).

Monica: Ehm, we were friends in 1992.

Amanda: (to Phoebe) No I distinctly remember you were dodging her (points at Monica) calls and trying to avoid seeing her.

Monica: (To Phoebe) You were going to cut me out?

Phoebe: Well...kinda.

Monica: Oh My God!

Amanda: Oh! Bugger. Should I not have said that? I feel like a perfect arse!

Phoebe: Yeah well, in America you're just an "ass".

(Monica's mobile starts ringing. She picks it up.)

Monica: (Into the phone) Hello? Chandler, what's wrong? (She listens) Oh my God, are you alright? (listens some more) Yeah, I'll be right there. (She hangs up and speaks to Amanda) I'm so sorry, but Chandler was in a car accident. (She gets up)

Phoebe: (Also gets up and starts taking her purse) Oh my God. Was Mike with him?

Monica: Nope! (She turns and leaves)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.]

(Joey comes running in.)

Joey: (To Rachel) Hey!

Rachel: Hey! Got champagne?

Joey: Yes ma'am, ready to Power through!

Rachel: Excellent! Stick it in the ice bucket, the phone is off the hook, and in the interest of powering through (Starts to remove her bra from under her clothes)...

Joey: Uh! (When she's done she throws her bra at him)

Rachel: Ok (starts to light some candles) Sexy, sexy, very sexy, sexy. (Claps her hands and jumps at Joey, clearly very excited) Alright! Lets do it!

Joey: Ok, you're scaring me a little bit.

Rachel: Oh! Get over it soldier, we've gotta do this! (She pulls him towards her and throws him onto the barcalounger) Ok. Aha! You like that huh?

Joey: Oh! yeah!

Rachel: You like that? (She climbs on the barcalounger seductively, putting her knees next to Joey's hips.) Let's take this into high gear (She pulls the barcalounger lever and seat reclines. She puts one of her knees between his legs and begins to kiss his neck.)

Joey: uh uh!

Rachel: Yeah baby, I'll show you how we do it!

Joey: No, no, no! You kneed me in my misters!

Rachel: What? Oh my God! I'm so sorry. Joey? Are you ok?

Joey: (He just sits there, legs very close together with a painful look on his face) Soldier down!

[Monica and Chandlers apartment.]

(Chandler is sitting on the couch reading. Monica walks in.)

Monica: We are not friends with Phoebe anymore.

Chandler: If she asks, I protested a little, but ok!

(Phoebe and Amanda walk in)

Phoebe: Oh Chandler! Thank God you're alive. Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute?

Monica: I have nothing to say to you.

Amanda: (announces more to herself than anyone else) Wow, my flat is twice this size!

Phoebe: Please, Monica? In the hall?

(They both walk to the door and enter the hallway.)

Amanda: Ooh, that accident must have been terrible. You look positively ghastly.

Chandler: Well, aren't you a treat.

[Scene: The hallway]

Monica: I can't believe you tried to cut me out. Why Phoebe, why?

Phoebe: It was right after we were living together and you were driving me crazy, okay? You were really controlling and compulsive and shrill.

Monica: I'm still all those things!

Phoebe: You're also so generous and kind and scrappy!

Monica: (starts smiling) I am scrappy.

Phoebe: Exactly! Look, no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't keep you out of my life. Of all the people I have cut out, you were the only one who ever clawed her way back in.

Monica: It's because I'm scrappy.

Phoebe: Yeah, you are. And I'm so glad that you fought your way back in, because I don't know what I would do without you.

Monica: I won't know what I would do without you.

(They hug)

Monica: Well, I guess we should go back in. When you gave me another chance, I guess we should do the same for Amanda.

Phoebe: Yeah, I guess you're right.

(They both enter the apartment again, where Amanda is "dancing" for Chandler, but she's really terrible at it)

Amanda: Can you believe it. I've never had any professional dance training.

(Monica and Phoebe look at each other and leave the apartment again)

[Scene: A different spray-on tan center]

(Glenda, who works here, and Ross are walking to the room with the spray-on tan booth.)

Glenda: Now, let me explain how this works. You go into the booth, and...

Ross: I'm gonna stop you right there, Glenda. Okay? Does it look like this is my first time, huh? Now I want 4 two's... and I want them all on my back.

Glenda: (quietly) Okay...

(Ross enters the room, takes off his robe and enters the booth. He stands with his back to the nozzles and then realises that this booth has nozzles at both sides of the wall)

Ross: Wait a minute, there's two sets of nozzles, which one is it?

(He turns around frantically from side to side.)

Ross: Which... which... which... Which one is it?

(He then stops turning, facing one of the nozzles, which starts spraying in this face and front again.)

Ross: OH! SON OF A BITCH!

(He now turns to the other side, which also starts spraying his face and front.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's]

(Joey and Rachel are both sitting on the couch. Joey keeping his knees pressed against each other)

Rachel: What is the matter with us?

Joey: Well, I know what's the matter with me.

Rachel: No, I mean with us, you know. I mean, is it supposed to be this... difficult?

Joey: I don't know.

(Chandler enters the apartment)

Chandler: That fake British woman is a real bitch, but she sure can dance... Hey!

Rachel: Hi! Hey, listen, can we ask you a question? When you and Monica first hooked up, was it weird going from friends to... more than that?

Chandler: Kinda... you know, sneaking around, having to hide from you guys...

Rachel: No, no, no... No, I mean... se-x-u-ally...

Joey: Yeah, was there a part of you that... felt like it was... really wrong?

Chandler: Actually, no. No, it felt right. You know, it felt like uhm... I can't believe we haven't been doing this the whole time.

(Rachel and Joey are still looking at Chandler, slowly letting his words get to them)

Chandler: I can tell from your expressions that that's the good news you were hoping for... Well, I'm gonna go continue to... spread the joy.(Chandler leaves the apartment. Joey sighs)

Rachel: Well, just because it happened that way for them doesn't mean it has to happen that way for us.

Joey: Yeah, yeah... Absolutely. I mean, just because something's difficult doesn't mean that you quit.

Rachel: Right, totally.

Joey: Yeah, so we just keep trying and trying until we... do it.

Rachel: Yeah, and if doesn't work, then we'll be just one of those couples that never have sex.

Joey: That's a... pla-an.

(They both stare for a while, and then look at each other)

Joey: (sighs) Wow... I did not see this coming.

Rachel: I know.

Joey: I don't get it. I mean, I was so sure this was what I wanted.

Rachel: Hmmm... Me too...

(She puts her head on Joey's shoulder and Joey kisses her on her head.)

Rachel: I wonder how Monica and Chandler could do it?

Joey: I guess they weren't as good friends as we are.

(Lifts her head from Joey's shoulder)

Rachel: Aah... I bet you're right.

(They look at each other for a while)

Joey: So...

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: I love ya.

Rachel: Love you too... Alright, I'm going to bed.

Joey: Yeah, me too.

(Rachel gets up, and Joey tries to get up, but halfway up he sits down again.)

Joey: Ooh, yeah, I'm not going anywhere for a while.

(Joey takes the ice-bucket with the champagne bottle in it and puts it on his sore spot)

ENDING CREDITS

[Scene: Ross's apartment.]

(Ross is reading a National Geographic on his sofa when Chandler knocks on the door.)

Chandler: Dude, it's Chandler. Let me in.

(Ross's face is now a VERY dark shade of brown.)

Ross: Go away! I don't want to see anybody.

Chandler: I know, I went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me. You have to let me in.

Ross: Really? Did you count Mississipily?

(Ross walks to the door and opens it.)

Ross: Dude, you're not tanned.

Chandler: No, I just had to get a picture of this.

(Chandler holds up a camera and takes Ross's picture.)

Chandler: I see you later!

(Ross closes the door)

end

Friends

1004 - The One With The Cake

Written by: Dana Klein

Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk]

Monica: (she enters) Hey guys!

Ross, Rachel and Chandler: Hey!

Chandler: Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend.

Monica: That place in Vermont? You can take a hint!

Rachel: Wait, you can't go away this weekend! It's Emma's birthday!

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: We're having a party.

Monica: Well, can't you just have the party when we get back?

Ross: No.

Rachel: No, that day... that won't be her real birthday!

Chandler: Gee if only she were one and had no idea what the hell a birthday was!

Ross: C'mon you guys, this is really important to us.

Monica: Well, I'm sorry, but Chandler and I could really use a weekend away. You know, to reconnect... emotionally.

Chandler: There's this thing I really want us to do. I read about it in Maxim...

Rachel: Well, can't you just go to Vermont the next day?

Ross: Yeah, we want everyone to be there. As much as I hate to delay your doing weird sex stuff to my little sister.

Rachel: And I mean, you know, you guys... This is a big deal. I mean, how can we have her first birthday party without her aunt and her uncle!

Monica: All right, we'll stay. We can just drive up after the party.

Chandler: Fine, but if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party...

Monica: Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment]

Rachel: You know Pheebs, when I was little, on my birthday, my daddy would hide a present in every room of the house, and then he would draw a treasure map to help me find 'em all.

Phoebe: Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food!

Ross: (he enters) Hey guys!

Rachel and Phoebe: Hi!

Ross: Hey, I brought the camera for Emma's video.

Rachel: Oh, good, good! We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma and we'll give it to her when she is 18.

Phoebe: Oh, COOL!! Wow, it's like a time capsule!

Ross: Yeah!

Phoebe: Oh, just think... she's gonna be watching that video on a TV that hasn't even been invented yet! With friends who right now are just like babies! And they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built to escape the ant people!

Ross: That's the hope! So, is Emma awake yet?

Rachel: Oh no, it's still nap time. But she'll be up soon.

Ross: Ah, and where is Joey?

Rachel: I said it's still nap time.

(Joey comes out from his room, yawning)

Ross: (taping Joey with the cam) Hey, there is uncle Joey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday!

Joey: 18, uh? (starts to prepare himself to say his "How You Doin'" line)

Ross: Joey, NO!

Joey: What, what!? it's for her hot friends!

Ross: When they see this you'll be 52!

Joey: And starting to think about settling down!

Rachel: Hey Joey, will you please set this up for people to put Emma's presents on?

Joey: I'd love to! Yeah!

Joey: (To Phoebe) We were supposed to bring presents?

Phoebe: Yeah! I wrote Emma a song.

Joey: Oh, yeah! How was I supposed to know?

Phoebe: Joey, it's a birthday party.

Joey: Yeah, but for a one-year-old. What's the point... the other day she laughed for like an hour at a cup. Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it dressed as a farmer. And he's standing next to this cow and the cow says "El-moo"! (Joey starts laughing) Yeah... that's a funny cup!

(Monica and Chandler enter)

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Hey hey! Where's the birthday girl?

Rachel: Oh, she's still napping

Chandler: Oh, sure, she was probably up all night, excited about the party she knows is happening.

Rachel: Look, I know that you guys really want to get to Vermont and this isn't a really big deal to you, but it really is to us, ok? Emma will never have a first birthday again.

Monica: All right... you're right. We're sorry. Now let's wake up Emma and get the fun time started!

Rachel: No really, she didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her up.

Monica: Are you freaking kidding me, Green?

(someone knocks on the door. Rachel goes to open it)

Jack and Judy: HI!

Ross: (points the camcorder towards them to record their entrance) Hey!

Monica: So glad you came!

Jack: I can't believe Emma is already one!

Judy: (to Monica) I remember your first birthday! Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you. He pulled on his testicles so hard! We had to take him to the emergency room!

Ross: (pointing the camcorder at himself) There's something you didn't know about your dad!

Joey: Hey Mr. and Mrs. Geller! Let me help you with that.

Jack: Thank you!

Joey: Oh man, this is great, uh? The three of us together again! You know what would be fun? If we gave this present to Emma from all of us!

Jack: Which one are you?

(Time lapse)

Monica: I can't believe Emma is still asleep!

Chandler: I know, what are we gonna do?

Monica: I've got a plan. I've got a plan. I'm going to ram this platter really hard into your ribs. You're gonna scream out and that'll wake her up!

Chandler: I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica!

Joey: Hey Pheebs, you know what? I was thinking... since you wrote a song, maybe I could do something for Emma using my talents!

Phoebe: So you’re gonna... hit on her?

Joey: No, no, no! My talents as an actor!

Phoebe: Oh!

Joey: You know, I could like maybe... I could do a dramatic reading of one of her books!

Phoebe: Or you could stick a fork in an apple!

Joey: Hey, I think Emma might like it!

Rachel: Oh! Emma might like what?

Joey: Um, my present!

Rachel: What did you get her?

Joey: Actually we prepared performances.

Phoebe: Separate performances.

Joey: But equally real!

Rachel: Well, this sounds like fun! Well, you know what? Actually? People are getting a little antsy waiting Emma to wake up from her nap, so would you mind performing them once now?

Phoebe: Sure, yeah!

Joey: (unconfidently) O K.

Rachel: (to everybody) All right, let’s get this party started, huh? Joey and Phoebe are gonna perform a little something for us.

Ross: Oh, great!

Phoebe: (to Joey) Are you gonna be embarrassed going up there having nothing prepared?

Joey: Hey, I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting!

Rachel: So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us?

Joey: I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma’s books.

Rachel: Oh, ok, which one?

Joey: Uh, why, it’s a... (he picks a book up) one of her favorites, uh, (he reads the title of the book) “Riding the Storm Out. Coping with post-partum depression” eesh! (he puts the book back and picks up another) “Love you forever”. Love you forever. By Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly books. Printed (he pauses and changes the tone to a dramatic one) in Mexico. A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and while she held him she sang “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you’ll be”. (the picture fades and Joey is now finishing the book). And while he rocked her, he sang “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you’ll be”.

Rachel: (crying) Wow! That was amazing!

Ross: Thank you so much for that gift!

Chandler (nearly weeping): I was not ready for this today!

Ross: Amazing... amazing.

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, I’m sorry! Phoebe has prepared something as well.

Phoebe: That’s right, I've prepared a song for Emma. From my heart to hers. For there’s no greater gift, than the gift of music. (she starts singing) Emma! Your name poses a dilemma. 'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma! Maybe the actor Richard Crenna, he played the commanding officer in Rambo. Happy birthday Emma!

Rachel: Is that it?

Phoebe: No, of course not! I also, you know, prepared a reading (she picks up a book). “Sex and the single mother. (pause) Finding your G-spot.

Everybody: No, no, no, no, no!

[Scene: Joey’s Apartment. Ross is filming his parents ]

Judy: Hello Emma. Happy eighteenth birthday.

Jack: Right now that seems so far away, seventeen years.

Judy: Yes, you’ll be all grown up by then. We’ll be... Well your grandfather and I might not be here.

Jack: That’s true! This message could becoming to you from beyond the grave, Emma!

Judy: After all, my parents died very young.

Jack: And my cholesterol’s off the charts!

Judy: Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women too!

Ross (stops recording): Ok, cut! Great. That was... that was just... yeah!

Rachel: Ross, um, don’t forget to get a shot of Emma’s cake. It’s in a box in the fridge.

Ross: Sure.

Rachel: Oh, you're gonna love this cake. I got it from a bakery in New Jersey, Corino’s.

Monica: Oh my God, that place has the creamiest frosting! I use to hitchhike there when I was a kid.

Rachel: Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes, in all different shapes, and if you give them a photo, they’ll copy it in icing!

Monica: Oh, did you do a picture of Emma?

Rachel: Yes! On a cake shaped like a bunny.

Ross: Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes? Say for bachelorette parties?

Rachel: Ross, what are you talking about? (she sees the cake) oh! Oh my God! They put my baby’s face on a penis!

Phoebe (sees the cake): oh! Now it’s a party!

Rachel: Why you guys this isn't funny, all right? If I wanted this cake to be a disaster I would have baked it myself!

Joey (staring at the cake): Uh.. is it ok that I still think it looks delicious?

Judy:(to Jack) Jack, look at this.

Jack: I know what you're thinking Judy, the resemblance is uncanny!

Ross: I am this close to tugging on my testicles again.

Rachel (on the phone): No, no, this is not what I ordered. Ok? I went all the way to New Jersey so that I could have the perfect cake for my daughter’s birthday and I need a bunny cake, right now!

Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby’s face off the penis, so we can put it on the bunny. (pause). That is a weird sentence!

Rachel: Oh! Believe you me! I am going to bring this cake back, I don't even want it in my home... (Turns towards the cake and sees Joey trying to take a piece and yells at him) Joey, don't touch it!!

Joey: I'm so confused!

Rachel: (speaking to the person on the phone again) Yes, yes. I still want my daughters picture, but on a bunny cake. Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!

Chandler: To be fair this one does have nuts.

(Time lapse)

(Ross, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen area)

Ross: Hey Mon, that was really nice of you to loan Rachel your car so she could go and get the cake.

Monica: Oh. So nice of her to pull my hair, 'till I dropped the key!

Ross: Well, you know what? While we're waiting, you guys could tape your message to Emma for her 18th birthday, huh? (takes the camcorder and points it at Monica and Chandler) Ok!

Chandler: Hi Emma! It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?

Monica: We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler, by the way. You may not recognize us, because we haven't spoken to your parents in seventeen years!

Chandler: We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday. (Ross looks disappointed and switches the camcorder off)

Monica: Ross, Rachel promised it would be over by now. We seriously have to go, if we want to get to Vermont. I called them and the last train leaves in a half hour.

Phoebe: And you know, I have a massage client soon.

Ross: You guys, just please.. a little bit longer. I promise, Rachel will be back with the cake any minute. Monica, remember.. the frosting? huh?

Monica: Alright, 5 more minutes.

(The phone rings, Ross picks up)

Ross: (Into receiver) Hello? (listens) Oh no! What happened? (listens some more) Ok ok, where are you? (Grabs a pen and starts writing). Ok, I'll be right there. (Puts the phone down)

Chandler: Was that Emma? Is she up?

Ross: No, Rachel got pulled over for speeding. She forgot her licence so now I have to bring it to her.

Phoebe: Well, if you're leaving, I'm definitely gonna go.

Monica: No! Wait! If anybody gets to go.. it's us (Points at herself and Chandler) We've been complaining the longest!

Ross: No, wait ! You guys, no, no, you can't leave! Rachel already feels bad that the cake's messed up. How do you think she's gonna feel when she comes back here and all you guys are gone?

Chandler: I don't know! You'll tell us on Monday!

Ross: Joey! You're in charge, ok? You make sure nobody leaves! (leaves)

Joey: Got it! (Goes towards the front door and stands with his back to it) Hey hey hey! (to Chandler) Where do you think you're going?

Chandler: To the bathroom!

Joey: Alright, well the rest of you get comfortable, ok, because we're gonna be here for a li...(stops and thinks) Wait a minute, there is a window in there!

Phoebe: Oh no! He's not getting away that easy! (Phoebe and Joey run towards the bathroom and enter)

Chandler: (Yelling) What are you doing? Get the hell out of here! (Phoebe and Joey come out looking shocked)

Joey: Well, that one did not have Emma's face on it.

Phoebe: No, it did not.

Joey: No.

Judy: Well, we better get going, it's late. Jack's not allowed to drive at night anymore. He has trouble staying in his lane.

Jack: Last winter I went up on a church lawn and drove right through a manger scene. The papers thought it was a hate crime.

Judy: Anyway, it was lovely seeing you.

Joey: Ok! (Opens the door for them)

Judy: Bye... Bye dear.

Joey: Nighty-night!

Judy: Nighty-night!

Joey: Bye, bye.

Phoebe: Joey? How could you just let them leave?

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not gonna mess with Jack, he's a great man, he fought for our country.

Monica: No, he didn't! He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.

Joey: (Shocked) Oh! Well that's it! He's the last one to go. I'm locking you guys in. (turns the bolts of the door, thereby locking it)

Chandler: You do know, I can just turn them the other way around, right?

Joey: Oh! I forgot you used to live here!

(The phone rings, Joey picks up)

Joey: Hello?

Estelle: (on the other side of the line) Joey! It's Estelle!

Joey: Hey! (smiles)

Estelle: So, how did your audition go today?

Joey: (smile fades) What audition?

Estelle: The one I told you about last week?

Joey: What? You never said anything about an audition!

Estelle: (Looks confused) Let me start over. I just got a call about an audition. I think you can still make it. It's down at the Astor Theatre and you need to have a monologue prepared.

Joey: A monologue? I don't have.. (sees the book he was reading before for his "dramatic reading") I got it. (hangs up) (announces to the room) Aah! so... I'm gonna take off!

Phoebe: Wh.. what? No wait, you don't get to leave! I've got a massage client waiting outside my door any minute!

Monica: Yeah, and we've paid for a room, that we're supposed to be in right now!

Phoebe: Well, oh, ok now... Only one of us has to stay with Emma. Ok, and as the person who realized that, I get to go!

Monica: No! no! Let's figure out a fair way to decide who's staying.

Joey: Oh! I got it! Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. Alright? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.

Monica: (She gives Joey a you-are-so-stupid-look) Ok, ten.

Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine! Anyone else?

Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.

Joey: Or.. we could flip a coin, and then multiply the..

Chandler: I'm begging you stop.

Joey: Right.

Monica: Ok, how about this: We got wind up toys for Emma for her birthday. We can make them race, and whoever comes in last, stays!

Phoebe: (Visibly excited) Yeah!! Let's do that!

Chandler: (Also very excited) That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont!

Monica: Everybody get your toys! (They all run toward the table with toys)

Phoebe: Ok! I want the dolphin!

Chandler: Thats a bear.

Phoebe: I'm too excited!

Monica: Phoebe, you get the bear, uhm, Joey, you get the robot, and Chandler and I get the dog. Ok, and the race is going to go (Takes two cups and marks the start and finish lines with them) from here to here. Now the one who comes in last, stays!

Joey: Ok, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys! (they do so)

Chandler: Ok, on your mark... Get set... GO!!!

(Monica, Phoebe and Joey release their wind-up toys.)

Phoebe: Go! Go!

Joey: Come on robot!

(Phoebe's bear takes the lead, followed by Joey's robot, and far behind is Chandler and Monica's dog, which walks a few paces, stops and starts barking, sits, walks again, and so on... )

Monica: (to the dog) What are you barking at?

(While Phoebe's bear is still in the lead, it is now closely followed by Joey's robot. Chandler and Monica's dog however, sits down, barking... and does a backflip.)

Monica: Wha... How the hell is that gonna help?

Chandler: I bought you. How did I forget that that's all you do?

(Meanwhile the race has been won by Phoebe's bear, followed by Joey's robot)

Joey: Way to go robot!

Phoebe: Good job Alan!

Joey: Hey, good race you guys.

Phoebe: Yeah, see you later!

(Joey and Phoebe leave for the door)

Monica: No! No, no... wait! We didn't lose. (turns to Chandler) The rules clearly stated that the last one to cross the finish line was the loser. Well, our dog never crossed the finish line, so technically...

Chandler: They left.

(Monica turns to see the closed door.)

[ Scene: The freeway. Rachel is driving Monica's Porsche, while using her mobile phone. Ross is sitting next to her.]

Rachel: (into the phone) No, there isn't time to go to the bakery. We're just gonna come home... Everybody left? Alright, well just tell Emma we're gonna be there as soon as we can. (emotionally) Bye...

(She hangs up, closes her phone, turns around and puts it in her bag which is in the back of the car. While doing this and not looking at the road, she turns the steering wheel by accident, which makes the car swerve.)

Ross: RACHEL!

Rachel: OOH! God! Sorry!

Ross: (sarcastically) I can't believe they gave you a ticket. You're such a good driver.

(Ross fastens his seat belt.)

Rachel: Emma's awake.

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: I can't believe this. This is her first birthday. She's awake. We're not even there. Everybody left. We still have this stupid obscene cake.

Ross: Hey, maybe I can fix that, you know. Try to turn it into something else. (he opens the box)

Rachel: Oh, why do you even bother? I already ruined her first birthday... And do you know how important these early experiences are Ross? Very! According to the back cover of that book that you gave me.

Ross: Rach, she's not going to remember this.

Rachel: (shakes her head) I guess... Oh, I just had such an idea of what this day would be like, you know? Emma laughing and everybody gathered around her cake singing "Happy Birthday". Then we would all go into... HEY GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU STUPID STUDENT DRIVER!!! (honks furiously, and Ross looks at her in disbelief and Rachel looks at him.) They have to learn!

Ross: (looks back at the cake) Hey!

Rachel: What?

Ross: It's not bad.

Rachel: (she looks at the cake) Oh my God! Look what... you made it into a bunny. How did you do that?

Ross: Well, I just made these two things uhm... cheeks. And then I split this to make ears.

Rachel: Well, I'm very impressed.

Ross: Some can sing, some can dance. I apparently can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures.

[ Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment. Chandler, Monica and Emma are sitting on the floor, and Emma's stuffed animals are lined up in front of them.]

Monica: Now another way to organise your stuffed animals, is by size.

Chandler: I'm sorry, is this a game for Emma or for Monica?

Monica: Game?

Chandler: Emma, you even know it's your birthday today? You're one! One-year-old, that's little.

(With his index finger he shows her how old she is. Emma also points her finger and babbles...)

Chandler: Ooh! That's my girl!

Monica: That's how old you are.

Chandler: Did I teach her that? Did I just... impart wisdom?

Monica: (embraces Emma tightly) Ooh, I want one...

Chandler: Me too...

(There's a couple of seconds of silence. Then Chandler looks around...)

Chandler: There's no-one around. Why don't we just take this one?

Monica: ...and head to Canada!

Chandler: I was kidding.

Monica: I wasn't. Let's get going!

(Phoebe enters the apartment again.)

Phoebe: Hey, are Ross and Rachel back?

Chandler: No, not yet.

Phoebe: Oh good, I didn't miss the party.

Monica: What about your massage client?

Phoebe: I just felt so bad, missing this. So I just slipped him a little something, you know. As long as I'm back in five or six hours, it will be alright.

(Joey comes running into the apartment, out of breath.)

Joey: Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME!

(Ross and Rachel enter.)

Joey: (to Ross and Rachel) I've been here the whole time!

Ross: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs.

Rachel: I don't care that you left. I'm just glad that you're here. Thanks you guys!

Chandler: Hey, guys! Come on! You gotta see what Emma just did.

Rachel: What?

Chandler: Emma, how old are you? How old are you today? (holds up his index finger again)

Emma: Wo-ish. (and holds up her finger)

(Ross and Rachel gasp)

Rachel: Oh! Emma, that's right! You're that many!

Ross: Oh my God! Our daughter's a genius! Rach, this means...

Rachel: (angrily) NO, no science camp!

Ross: Damnit! I'll put a candle on the cake.

Rachel: Oh!... Oh and Emma, look at your stuffed animals lined up so neatly!

Monica: Thanks!

Ross: Okay, here we go! Emma's first birthday cake... Well hey... well, blow out the candle. Come on Emma.

Chandler: Let's do it, come on!

(Rachel wipes away some tears.)

Ross: What's wrong? Are you okay?

Rachel: Oh yeah, nothing! These are happy tears! This is just what I wanted.

Phoebe: (pointing at cake) Hey, you made it into a bunny.

Joey: What is wrong with me. It looked more delicious when it was a penis.

ENDING CREDITS

[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment. It's just Ross and Rachel. They put the camera on a tripod in the kitchen and they are standing in front of the camera.]

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay, you ready?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: A-a-and... record.

Rachel: Okay. (they both look into the camera, and Ross waves.) Hi Emma. Well, your first birthday is over, and it was really...

(There's a lot of yelling and screaming coming from the hallway, and they get up to look at what's the noise all about. In the hallway, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are having another wind-up animal race, yelling and screaming fanatically.)

Phoebe: (yelling at the top of her voice) Go, go, go Alan! Run you, hairy bastard!

end

Friends

1005 - The One Where Rachel's Sister Baby-sits

Written by: Dana Klein

Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk]

Rachel: You know, I'm thinking about letting Emma have her first cookie.

Joey: Her first cookie? She has cookies all the time!

Rachel: I've never given her a cookie. Have you?

Joey: No! No... and, for the record, I've also never given her a frosting from a can!

Monica: Hey Rach, the adoption agency needs letters of recommendation and we were wondering if you would write one for us.

Rachel: Of course, I'd be honored!

Chandler: Thanks!

Monica: Thank you!

(Joey looks at them, disappointed about their decision)

Joey: U-U-Um, I think there's been an oversight.

Chandler: Joey, we would've asked you, we just thought you wouldn't be interested.

Monica: Yeah, it's just we don't think of you as really being so much "with the words".

Joey: Whoo-weh hey weh-hey whoo hey!!

Monica: Clearly we were wrong.

Joey: I gotta a lot of nice stuff to say about you guys, ok? And I know how much you wanna have a baby, you know, and I would love to help you get one.

Monica: You know what? Then, Joey, we want you to do it.

Joey: Thank you! Alright, let me see how I'm gonna start... "Dear baby adoption decider people..."

Chandler: So excited about your letter!

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey!

All: Hey Phoebe!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Wow! Don't you look nice?!

Phoebe: Yes, I do! Today is Mike and my one-year anniversary.

Rachel: OH! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date, your first kiss, first time you had sex...

Phoebe: YEAH!

Chandler: So you must be going to somewhere fancy to celebrate?

Phoebe: Uh-uh. Ehm, a Knicks game.

Joey: Uhm... Aren't you a little overdressed?

Phoebe: Hey, you know what, I've never had a one-year anniversary before, so no matter where we go, I'm wearing something fancy pants, and... I'm gonna put on my finest jewelry and we're gonna have sex in a public rest room.

Monica: You guys do that? Chandler won't even have sex in our bathroom!

Chandler: That's where people make number two!!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross is grading papers. Charlie approaches him.]

Charlie: Hey! (They kiss and cuddle a little)

Ross: Hey...

Charlie: So, you know... I have a little time. If you... if you want to...

Ross: (surprised) Oh... (he pauses) (sounds disappointed) Ohh... I'd love to but I really have to grade these papers.

Charlie: Fine, it's fine... (she whispers) I'll just shower by myself...

Ross: (Writing on the papers) B, B, B, B, B!

Charlie: Oh, Ross, you gave a B to a Pottery Barn catalogue.

Ross: Well, it had some good ideas, take off your shirt.

(they start kissing but someone knocks at the door)

Ross: Damnit!

Amy: (yelling from outside) Rachel!! Open up!! It's your sister!! (she knocks on the door again) I have to talk to you!!

Ross: (he opens the door) Hi Amy!

Amy: You're not Rachel.

Ross: Still sharp as a tack!

Amy: Um... Charlie, this is Rachel's sister Amy. Amy, this is Charlie.

Charlie: Hi!

Amy: Hi!

Charlie: Nice to meet you.

Amy: H-Hi!!(to Ross) And you are...?

Ross: (pause) Ross? I... I grew up on your block! We had Thanksgiving together last year... I had a baby with your sister!

Amy: (looks confused) N-no... uhm... did I buy a falafel from you yesterday?

Ross: (gives up) Yes, yes, you did.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]

(Ross enters the apartment with Amy)

Ross: Hi Rachel! Here's your sister Amy! She thinks I need pec implants!

Rachel: Amy! Hi! Oh-oh-hoh! (they hug) Wow! You remember Joey?

Amy: Yeah! Hey, sure! The "Days of Our Lives" guy!

Joey: That's right, yeah.

Amy: You're not good!

Joey: Always nice to meet a fan!

Rachel: So now, what are you doing here?

Amy: Well, I have huge news.

Rachel: (Emma starts crying in the other room) Oh sorry, hold on. Let me just check on the baby!

Amy: Wait, this is important! Can Ella wait? (Rachel goes to Emma)

Ross: Ehm... Her name is Emma.

Amy: Why did you change it, Ella was so much prettier!

Ross: What do I know? I just sell Middle Eastern food from a cart!

Amy: Hey, your English is getting better!!

Ross: (to Joey) Oh my God!

Joey: I know, she may be the hottest girl I've ever hated.

Ross: What... what you working on?

Joey: (using a laptop) Oh, Monica and Chandler's recommendation. I want it to sound smart but.. I don't know any big words or anything, so...

Ross: Why don't you use your Thesaurus?

Joey: What did I just say?

Ross: Watch. (he takes the laptop) Here, you ehm... You highlight the word you want to change.

Go under Tools and the Thesaurus generates... 'gives'... 'gives' a whole list of choices. You can pick the word that sounds smartest.

Joey: Oh my God, that's great! I'm smart!! No, no, I'm... (he uses the Thesaurus) "brainy, bright, clever", I love this thing! Look out ladies, Joey Tribbiani's got the whole package!!

[Scene: Rachel's room. Rachel is attending to Emma. Amy is standing behind her.]

Rachel: God!

Amy: So beautiful.

Rachel: Oh, I know, isn't she?

Amy: No, I was talking about your bedding.

Rachel: All right. What's your news, Amy?

Amy: Oh! Um... Well... I'm getting married.

Rachel: What? Oh my God! To who?

Amy: This guy! He has a killer apartment.

Rachel: A-And??

Amy: A-And it's on Fifth. And the elevator opens up right into the living room.

Rachel: No, what's he like?

Amy: Oh! He's ok. Do you remember my old boyfriend Mark?

Rachel: Yeah.

Amy: It's his dad.

Rachel: Huh... wow, so he's gotta be...

Amy: Old? Yeah! But he travels a lot, so he's hardly ever there.

Rachel: Sweety, I gotta tell ya... it sounds a little bit like you like the apartment more than you like...

Amy: Myron. Hmm... I told you he was old!

Rachel: Oh... sit down, sit down. Oh, honey, you know, I once also almost married somebody that I didn’t love. Do you remember Barry?

Amy: Humpf, remember him? How we used to make out all the time after you went to sleep.

Rachel: Sometimes just nodding is ok. (pause) Uhm, so but anyway, listen, not marrying Barry was the best decision that I ever, ever made. Honey, you deserve true love. Your soulmate is out there, somewhere. Someone that is your age, that is smart, that is fun and that you care about!

Amy: (thinks about it) You’re right, you’re right! I’m gonna do it!

Rachel: Ok.

Amy: I’m gonna marry Myron and keep looking for Mr Right.

Rachel: Ok, let’s keep talking.

[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Mike and Phoebe are walking to their seats.]

Phoebe: Excuse me, anniversary. Excuse me, anniversary. (looking at her ticket). Uhm, sir, could you move your nachos... they’re in my seat. It's my anniversary. (to Mike) Here we are! (Mike nods). Can’t believe it's been a whole year!

Mike: I know. This has been the best year... (the crowd starts cheering so he starts yelling) THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!

Phoebe: ME TOO! I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD LOVE SOMEONE THIS MUCH!

Mike: I FEEL THE SAME WAY!

Phoebe: YOU’RE SO GENEROUS AND KIND AND (crowd stops cheering) YOU'RE AMAZING IN BED (everyone hears it and stare at them.) (to everybody) IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY!

Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the score board. Someone has a special question to ask. (on the screen there’s written ‘Julie, will you marry me?’ and goes on to show a guy kneeling down in front of a girl holding out a ring to her)

Phoebe: Oh how lame... oh, it’s so tacky, and impersonal.

Mike: Really?

Phoebe: Oh, it’s the worst way to propose!

Mike: (looks strangely shocked) Excuse me... (he leaves, then Phoebe realizes what she did).

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Joey enters the room]

Joey: Hey, finished my recommendation. (he hands it over to Chandler) Here. And I think you’ll be very, very happy. It’s the longest I ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.

Chandler: (reading) I don’t... uh... understand.

Joey: (sounding very proud of himself) Some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya?

Monica: (also reading it) It doesn’t make any sense.

Joey: Of course it does! It’s smart! I used the the-saurus!

Chandler: On every word?

Joey: Yep!

Monica: Alright, what was this sentence originally? (shows the sentence to Joey)

Joey: Oh, ‘They are warm, nice, people with big hearts’.

Chandler: And that became ‘they are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps...?

Joey: Yeah, yeah and hey, I really mean it, dude.

Monica: Hey Joey, I don’t think we can use this.

Joey: Why not?

Monica: Well, because you signed it baby kangaroo Tribbiani (Joey makes a 'and-what’s-wrong-with-that' look). Hey, why don’t you stop worrying about sounding smart and just be yourself!

Chandler: You know what? You don’t need a thesaurus, just write from here, (points at his own heart) your full sized aortic pump.

[Scene: The corridor. Amy knocks Joey’s door and Rachel opens the door.]

Rachel: Amy, hi!

Amy: I took your advice, I left Myron.

Rachel: Oh, good for you!

Amy: I know! I'm Erin Brockovich!

Rachel: Yes you are! Oh, I am so proud of you!

Amy: Thank you! So, can I stay with you?

Rachel: But Erin Brockovich had her own house.

(Joey comes out of Monica’s apartment and sees Rachel and Amy but does not notice the huge amount of bags)

Joey: Ah, look who’s back! (he sees the bags) Why do you have bags? RACH, WHY DOES SHE HAVE BAGS?

Amy: Well, I’m staying with you guys!

Joey: What?

Amy: We’re gonna be roomies! (she snaps her finger and points at Joey, snaps her fingers again and points to the bags) Come on!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Rachel is in the living room and Joey comes out of his room.]

Joey: You slept out here?

Rachel: Yeah... Amy kept kicking me in her sleep yelling ‘Myron, get off!’

Joey: But uhm, we're getting rid of her, right? Rach, please tell me we’re getting rid of her.

Rachel: Joey, I can’t do that!

Joey: Oh, come on! Last night I was finishing off a pizza and she said (aping Amy badly) "Uoh oh oh, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!" I don’t need that kind of talk in my house!

Rachel: Well Joey, uhm look, I know that she’s difficult, but I think it’s really good that she’s here.

Joey: 'Cause we will appreciate it more when she’s gone?

Rachel: No, it's just... look, you know, when I first moved to the city I was a lot like her! I was spoiled, self-centered and you guys really took care of me.

Joey: Yeah, Monica made us!

Rachel: Well, uhm... whatever, I have really appreciated it, 'cause I don’t think I would be the person that I am today if it wasn’t for you guys. See, I wanna help Amy the way you guys helped me. And I know it’s gonna take patience, but that’s ok.

Amy: Good morning.

Joey: Yeaah.

Rachel: Amy, that’s what I was supposed to wear today, that’s why I hung it on the door.

Amy: Oh, sweety, you can’t pull this off.

Rachel: Amy, you know what? I was thinking that maybe now it'd be a good time for us to sit down and, you know, talk about your future.

Amy: Oh, I can’t, honey. I’m gonna go get my eyebrows shaped. (points at her eyebrows) I am not happy. (to Joey who has a pizza box in his hands) Oh... sure you wanna eat that?

Joey: (yelling at her) I’M CURVY, AND I LIKE IT!

[Scene: Monica’s Apartment. Rachel, Ross, Monica and Chandler are there, Phoebe enters the room]

Phoebe: Hi. I just had the worst anniversary ever.

Chandler: I doubt that! Tell her about us last year.

Monica: Oh, well, I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a rap song.

Ross: Seriously?

Chandler: Word!

Phoebe: Well, mine was worse than that.

Rachel: Well, what happened?

Phoebe: We were at the game, and this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen thing...

Rachel: Oh, that is so tacky.

Phoebe: Well, that’s what I said, but it turns out, Mike was planning on proposing to me that same way last night!

Monica: Oh my God, Mike was gonna propose?

Rachel: Phoebe, that’s huge!

Ross: Well, do you wanna marry him?

Phoebe: Yeah, I really do! Yes, but, after I dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me, I don’t think he’s ever gonna ask again! I mean, I said no in Barbados and now this!

Chandler: She's right! If I were a guy and... (stops himself mid-sentence...everyone stares at him) Did I just say if I were a guy..?

Monica: Maybe you don't need him to propose to you, maybe you can propose to him!

Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know, isn't that a little desperate?

Monica: I proposed to Chandler! (Phoebe stops herself from laughing) Alright, moving on...

Chandler: Oh, I don't think it was desperate, I think it was amazing!

Monica: Thank you.

Phoebe: (To Rachel and Ross) Well, do you think I should propose?

Rachel: I think it could be kind of great!

Ross: Absolutely! You'll love the feeling! There's nothing like it!

Phoebe: Ok, ok, so how should I do it?

Monica: How about at a game, on the big screen?

Rachel: (Sarcastically) Uuuh!! How about at a Footlocker? (claps her hands together, faking excitement)

Monica: What? what? He obviously thinks that's a nice way to be proposed to, plus he'd never suspect it!

Phoebe: Yeah, that does make sense. Ok, now, would... would you two (points to Ross and Chandler) like that?

Chandler: Sounds good to me... but what would a guy think?

(Amy walks in carrying a phone handset)

Amy: (To Rachel) Nana is on the phone (Hands the phone over to Rachel)

Rachel: (Takes the phone) Oh! That's interesting, since she died seven years ago!!

Amy: She did? Who got her condo in Boca?

Rachel: (Into the phone) Hello? (announces to Amy) Oh, it's our nanny! (goes back to the phone conversation) Hi! Oh... God! I hope you feel better! Ok, bye! (Hangs up) (To Ross) That's Molly, she's sick. Can you watch Emma today?

Ross: No, I can't. I have back-to-back classes. Did Molly say what she had? Because my throat's been hurting?

Rachel: Menstrual cramps.

Ross: I don't think that's what this is.

Rachel: (To Monica, Chandler and Phoebe) Can any of you watch Emma?

Monica: No, sorry sweety..

Phoebe: No, I've got work and then I'm proposing..

Rachel: (To Ross) Great, shoot, what are we gonna do?

Amy: Well, I can do it.

Rachel: (Thinks for a moment) Well, actually...

Ross: (He interrupts her immediately, and drags her by her arm to the other side of the room) Well, can I talk to you for a sec.?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Um, I do not want her baby-sitting our child.

Rachel: Why not?

Ross: Well, for one thing, she keeps calling her Ella!

Rachel: (Defends Amy) Wha.. well, Ella's a nice name!

Ross: Fine, we'll call the next one Ella.

Rachel: (Shocked) Wha... the next one?

Ross: (a little confused) Okay, um... I don't want her watching our baby.

Rachel: Ross, I am trying to help her become a better person. This is a huge breakthrough for her! She just offered to do something for another human being!!

Ross: I... I don't know..

Rachel: Ross, I'm telling you, she's giving up getting her eyebrows (points at her own to emphasize the word) shaped to do this alright? Do you understand how important that is in our world?

(Amy approaches from behind)

Amy: um... listen, I couldn't help but overhear... 'cause I was trying to... Listen, let me do this alright? I really wanna help you guys out, and plus Rachel's been so wonderful to me... (looks at hem pleadingly)

(Rachel looks at Ross and her agrees silently)

Rachel: Absolutely.

Amy: (very excited) Oh! Great! So how much does it pay? (Ross just gives up and leaves)

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is inside, Chandler and Monica walk in.]

Chandler: Hey Joe! How's the second draft of the letter coming?

Joey: Great, I'm finished! In fact, I just dropped it off at the agency.

(Chandler and Monica look shocked)

Monica: You dropped it off?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Can we read it? Can you print out another copy?

Joey: No can do amigo. No, I didn't use the computer. Felt more personal to hand-write it. (Chandler and Monica look even more shocked)

Monica: You hand-wrote it?

Joey: Yeah, and don't worry. I didn't try to sound smart at all! See ya later! (Leaves)

Monica: Oh my God, oh my God, that letter is gonna go in our file! We're never gonna get a kid. No, we're gonna be one of those old couples that collects orchids or has a lot of birds!

Chandler: It's ok, it's ok. You know what? (Takes out his mobile) I'll just call the agency and tell them to throw out the letter. (starts dialing)

Monica: Okay good.

Chandler: (on the phone) Hello, this is Chandler Bing. Somebody just dropped off a handwritten recommendation letter, and.. (listens) Uh-huh... Uh-huh... okay... thank you. Good-bye. (hangs up looking very confused).

Monica: Ugh, we're screwed, aren't we? You know what? Just tell me on the way to the bird store.

Chandler: (Still looks confused) They loved it.

Monica: What?

Chandler: They thought it was very smart of us to have a child write the recommendation letter.

Monica: (surprised) They thought Joey was a child?

Chandler: She guessed 8, 9, based on his drawings.

(Amy comes in with Emma in a stroller)

Amy: Hi!

Monica: Hey, what did you guys do today?

Amy: Ella wanted to go out, so we went shopping and got some sushi.

Chandler: That sounds like fun.

Amy: Yeah, not really. Babies are dull.

(Rachel comes in, sees Amy and Emma)

Rachel: (To Emma) Hey! Hi, how's my girl?

Amy: I'm fine! And, I got you a present for letting me stay with you. Ready?

Rachel: (sounds excited) Yeah!

(Amy takes off Emma's hat)

Amy: Ta-daaa!

(Rachel looks at Emma)

Rachel: (not excited anymore) You pierced her ears!?

Amy: (Very excited about it) Doesn't it make her nose look smaller?

(Rachel looks very shocked)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Rachel: You pierced her ears? How could you do this without telling me?

Amy: Well, if I had told you, then it wouldn't have been surprise, now would it?

Chandler: I think she looks cute. (Rachel turns around and stares at him angrily) ... but I am wrong!

Rachel: Oh my God, Oh my God, here comes Ross. He's gonna flip out.

Amy: Why, did something happen to his falafel cart?

Rachel: Ugh. (takes the hat and covers Emma's head and half her face with it)

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey guys.

Monica and Chandler: Hi Ross.

Ross: Hey Emma. Oh, why is she wearing her hat so low? She can barely see. (Wants to take the hat off, but Rachel tries to stop him).

Rachel: Nah, I don't really want her to see.

Ross: Why not?

Monica: Because there are so many terrible sights in this world.

Chandler: Like war. Or that thing in Joey's refrigerator. Remember? It was in a milk carton but it looked like meat?

Ross: Come here (Removes Emma's hat) Oh! There she is! Hi!

(Rachel looks worried)

Ross: (sees how strangely Monica, Chandler and Rachel are looking at him) What?

Rachel: Nothing.

Ross: (Back to Emma) Hi! (Looks at her) What... (Moves the stroller away from him so he can get a better look at her. He looks at her confused. Finally he realizes the difference and gasps). Please tell me those are clip-ons.

Rachel: Oh, they're real!

Ross: Did she (points at Amy) do this to her? I told you we shouldn't have left Emma with her!

Rachel: I know, I know, and you were right Ross. (To Amy) You are soo irresponsible I am never letting you baby-sit ever again!

Amy: Hey you know what, this kid needs me, okay? She needs to have a cool fun aunt!

Monica: I'm a cool, fun aunt!

Amy: (Sarcastically) O-Okay!

Chandler: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects!

Rachel: I can't believe this. All I wanted to do was help you try to figure out what to do with your life and this is how you repay me?

Amy: Well, I don't need you to help me, because I already know what I'm going to do with my life.

Rachel: Oh yeah? Since when?

Amy: Since today... I am going to be a baby stylist.

Rachel: (looks at Ross and then at Amy again in disbelief) What?

Ross: That's not a thing!

Amy: Well, it should be. I'm gonna help babies learn how to accessorize, what colors to wear, what clothes are slimming...

Rachel: (shouting) Babies don't care if they're slim.

Amy: Enter Amy!

Ross: (very angry) Amy, I ju... I just... I just wanna...

Amy: What? What are you gonna do?

Ross: (pointing at Amy, shouting) No more falafel for you!

(Amy looks at Ross, angrily. Rachel clearly doesn't understand what he meant and looks at Ross who gestures "later".)

[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Phoebe and Mike are watching the game. There's cheering, but Phoebe seems distracted.]

Mike: Great game, huh?

Phoebe: Uhuh, uhuh... (seems distracted)

Mike: Why do you keep looking at the screen?

Phoebe: I'm not. I'm praying. (looking up) Please let the Knicks win... Thank you Thor! (Mike is standing up) Where... where are you going?

Mike: Going go to the bathroom.

Phoebe: Well, I think you should wait.

Mike: Why?

Phoebe: Well, if you don't... if you don't hold it in, you don't get all the nutrients.

Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the scoreboard. Someone has a special question to ask.

(We see the screen where it says: "Mike will you marry me?" and then we see Phoebe and Mike on the screen. Phoebe stands up and kneels in front of Mike.)

Phoebe: Mike Hannigan... will you marry me? (Mike looks bewildered)

Announcer: Get a load of this... She's proposing to him. Guess we know who wears the pants in that family. (people are laughing, while Mike still seems bewildered)

Phoebe: That's not very enlightened!

(There's booing around them, and Mike sinks in his chair, holding his hand in above his eyes, hoping no-one would recognize him)

Phoebe: Hey, hey! (shouting) Boo us? Boo you!

[Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey is in the kitchen and the telephone rings.]

Joey: (picks up the phone) Hello? Yeah, this is Joey Tribbiani... Oh, hi! Well, I'm glad you liked my letter... No my mommy and daddy aren't home right now... (looks puzzled) Okay, bye bye. (hangs up) (to himself) She was nice!

(Rachel and Amy enter)

Rachel: Joey, get Amy's bags, she is moving out!

Joey: Whoo-hoo! (and leaves for Rachel's room)

Amy: You're kicking me out?

Rachel: You put holes in my baby's ears!

Amy: Yeah well, at least now people will know she is a girl!

Rachel: (gasps) I can't believe I ever even tried to help you. You are so beyond help.

Amy: You know what? Ever since I got here, you have been nothing but negative.

Rachel: Excuse me?

Amy: You didn't want me to marry the old guy with the great apartment. Then, I tried to help your daughter to de-emphasize her flaws (frantically pointing at her nose) And suddenly I am the bad guy?

Rachel: (yelling) Joey, where are those bags?

Joey: (Yelling from Rachel's room) She has a lot of crap!

Amy: You know what? When I moved in here I thought: This is gonna be so great. Just us sisters, back together again like when we were kids, except without that stupid Jill... Oh! Who has gotten fat by the way...

Rachel: (doesn't believe what she's hearing) Seriously?

Amy: hm-mmm... Mom said she gained like fifteen pounds.

Rachel: Hips or thighs?

Amy: Ass and face.

Rachel: (gasps) Oh! Oh my God! I thought she was on Atkins.

Amy: She was. Carbs found her... See, this is what I wanted. Two sisters, talking about real stuff.

Rachel: (embarrassed) Oh, I can give you that.

Amy: You can?

Rachel: Yeah. I just, I kept trying to make you a better person, but you're... you're already a pretty perfect version of what you are.

Amy: (touched) Thank you. I've got to admit, Emma does look cute.

Rachel: Did you just say Emma?

Amy: Ugh, I'm sorry... Ella.

[Scene: Mike and Phoebe at a restaurant.]

Phoebe: That woman at the game didn't know what she was talking about. Mike, obviously you have balls.

Mike: But please, let's just forget the whole thing.

Phoebe: (the waiter puts a piece of cake on the table) I would love it. Consider it forgotten... But just so you know... however and whenever you decide to propose, I promise I'll say yes. Whether... whether, you know, it is in a basketball game, or in sky writing, or you know, like some lame guy in a cheesy movie who hides it in the cake.

(Mike's face changes from happy to sad, and he looks at the cake, disappointed.)

Phoebe: It's in the cake, isn't it?

Mike: (puts on a fake smile) Where else would lame Mr. No Balls hide it? (he takes the ring from the cake, and cleans it with a napkin)

Phoebe: What's the matter with me? How do I keep ruining this? I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Mike: No! It's my fault. I keep trying to propose in these stupid ways and all I wanna do is tell you that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

(Phoebe has this weird, anxious, nervous look on her face)

Mike: I'm gonna do this now.

Phoebe: Oh my God!

(Mike starts to kneel in front of Phoebe.)

Mike: Phoebe, I...

Phoebe: Wait! Oh wait! (she takes off a ring that was already on her left ring finger. After that Mike starts to kneel again, but then...) Oh no! (She was wearing rings on all her fingers and her thumb, and takes all of these off.)

Mike: Ready?

Phoebe: Uh-huh! (and now Mike kneels properly)

Mike: Phoebe, I love you. There's no-one else in the world I would ask to marry me... three times. But I wanna take care of you, have babies with you, and grow old with you... Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?

Phoebe: Yes!

(Mike puts the ring on her finger)

Mike: I love you!

Phoebe: I love you more!

Mike: Not possible! (they kiss, and then Mike says proudly...) She's gonna be Mrs. No Balls.

(They kiss again, and Phoebe looks at the ring.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: The street in front of Central Perk. Rachel and Amy are walking on the sidewalk.]

Rachel: So how is the uhm... baby styling business going?

Amy: Not that great. It's almost if people don't want to hear that their babies are ugly.

Rachel: That's shocking!

Amy: Oh! It's Ross... Hey Ross! (She says hey to the guy at the falafel stand, whose only similarity with Ross would be his black hair.) Hello-oo Ross! (to Rachel) He's rude!

THE END

Friends

1006 - The One With Ross' Grant

Written by: Sebastian Jones

Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

Final check by Kim

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe is there]

Phoebe: (she enters) Hey...

All: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Pheebs, what's wrong?

Phoebe: Oh, I'm just so exhausted from dragging around this... (she shows her ring) HUGE engagement ring!

All: OH!

Rachel: My God!

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Congratulations! Wow!!

Ross: So, did he get on one knee, did he have a speech prepared, or (in a tender way) did he cry? (the guys look at him) Yeah, big surprise, I like proposals!

Phoebe: Well, it was really sweet, and like the most romantic thing ever.

Joey: Well, hey! Well... (he takes his mug to toast Phoebe) Here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy in the world! To Phoebe and... (a bit uncertain) I wanna say Mike? (pause) To Phoebe and Mike!

All: Whoo!

Phoebe: Thank you! (to Rachel) Oh, and I have something for you!

Rachel: Mmh-mmh!

Phoebe: It's, yes, my little black book. It's got the numbers of all the guys I've dated.

Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, baby, that's nice but, you know what, I think I'm ok. Why don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends?

Phoebe: I would, but you're the last one.

Rachel: (angrily) GIVE ME THE BOOK! (she takes it and start reading) Pablo Diaz, Brady Smith, huh, "Guy-in-van"?

Phoebe: Oh, my first love!

Rachel: Oh!

Monica: What does the red X next to Bob Greenmore's name mean?

Phoebe: Dead. (everyone is a bit upset) Oh, it's OK, no, he was old, yeah! And he lived a full life, he was in the first wave at Omaha Beach.

Chandler: Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasn't so much a book as a... napkin. With Janice's phone number on it.

Rachel: Phoebe, isn't Jethro Tull a band?

Phoebe: (proud of herself) Oh yes, they are.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment]

Chandler: (he enters) Hey honey!

Joey: (Looking inside the fridge, and we only see his back. Then he closes the door, and we see it's Joey.) Hi sweetie!

Chandler: Is Monica not here?

Joey: No.

Chandler: Oh, then I'll tell you. My agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! It's my first national commercial!

Joey: Cool!

Chandler: Yeah, and I don't wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! (silence) Hell, you weren't there? All the ideas were mine!!!

Joey: That's great! Hey, can you cast me in it?

Chandler: Oh... I don't know, I really don't think you're right for the part.

Joey: What do you mean? I can do anything, I'm a chameleon! Huh? (he mimes an old man with a beard) I'm old! (then he yawns) I'm tired! (then he mimes someone who's hot...) Hey, I'm hot (...and cold) I'm cold!! Huh?? Come on! What can't I do?

Chandler: First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really don't think you're right for this. The part calls for a stuffy college professor.

Joey: I can do that! (in a deeper voice) "Hello, I'm your professor. When I'm not busy thinking of important things or... professing. I like to use..." Oh, what's the product?

Chandler: Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions?

Joey: (after a long pause he starts miming again) I'm cold!

[Scene: Central Perk. Charlie is sitting on the couch and Ross enters.]

Ross: (to Charlie) Hey!

Charlie: Hey!

Ross: Guess who's a finalist for a huge research grant! I'll give you a hint, he's looking right at you.

Charlie: Ah, well, unless it's the creepy guy with his hand up his kilt, I'm gonna say congratulations!

Ross: Oh, I'm so excited, I mean, apparently I beat out hundreds of other applicants, included five guys I went to graduate school with. Not that I'm keeping score or anything... five!

Charlie: Wow, that's great! So, tell me about the grant!

Ross: Well, ok, it's for 25 thousand dollars. And if I get it, I'll finally be able to complete my field research! And there will be an article about me in the "Paleontology Review"! Yeah! That'll be the first time my name is in there, without people raising serious questions about my work!

Charlie: Wait. Are you talking about the Dewar grant?

Ross: Yeah. Why?

Charlie: Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant.

Ross: Your ex-boyfriend?

Charlie: Yeah.

Ross: So, your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed!

Charlie: No, no, we ended up in great terms. I mean, if anything, I think this could help you. You know what? Why don't we all go out to dinner together, and I can introduce you.

Ross: Well, if you think it would help.

Charlie: Yes, absolutely. I'll call him.

Ross: Ok, now, is there anything I can do to... you know, butter him up? Anything he really likes?

Charlie: Mmh... he does have a pretty serious latex fetish.

Ross: We'll see how dinner goes.

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She is packing a few tings into boxes.]

Phoebe: (looking at Monica entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey, you wanna go to see a movie?

Phoebe: Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in.

Monica: Oh, right.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, well. Now that I'm here I might as well help you with the cleaning and organizing! Just happen to have my label maker!

Phoebe: Oh, it's so hard to get rid of stuff! Did you and Chandler have to make compromises when you first moved in together?

Monica: Uh, Chandler did! What does he want you to give up?

Phoebe: A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he wants me to get rid of Gladys.

Monica: Who's Gladys? (Phoebe shows her a horrific painting with a half-a-body girl dummy coming out of the frame. Monica's frightened and she gasps.) Oh! What a tragic loss!

Phoebe: Yeah. I really hate to give her up. Oh, I know!! Oh, you should take her!

Monica: (faking happiness) Well, I-I-I-I... I don't know...

Phoebe: Why, you don't like her?

Monica: Well, of course I do. What's not to like! I'll take her in a minute! But, you know, I think that you're giving up too easy, honey. I think that you need to fight for her!

Phoebe: Really? You think?

Monica: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm sorry Mike I can't live without her, she means too much to me!"

Phoebe: Ok, I'll fight for her. Ok! Oh, wait, oh I just realized... if I do that, that means you don't get her.

Monica: Damn it, I did not think this through!

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Joey and Emma are there.]

Chandler: Hey you guys.

Rachel: Hi!

Joey: Oh! Any word on casting yet?

Chandler: Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part.

Joey: What do you mean? Rach, don't I seem like a professor you'd buy some kind of e-crap from?

Rachel: I'm sorry, this sounds like something I'm never gonna be interested in.

Joey (to Chandler): Look, c'mon, please? It's not like I'm asking for some crazy favour. This is what I do for a living. I am a professional actor! (he glances at his watch and sees the time) Oh, man, I'm two hours late for work! (he stands, ready to go). Look, here's a copy of my reels. It's got all the commercials that I've been in.

Chandler: Joe...

Joey: Just watch it, and if you don't like it, you don't pass it on to your bosses!

Chandler: Fine!

Joey: Thank you. (he sits down)

Chandler: Work, Joe!

Joey: Damn it! (he leaves)

Chandler (to Rachel): What am I gonna do now?

Joey: Just pass it to your boss!

Chandler: He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own!

Rachel: Just tell Joey that you watched the tape and you liked it, but your bosses didn't. Then that way, you're the good guy and they're the bad guys.

Chandler: That's good! I liked it, they didn't. (he sees Joey out of the window hitting on a girl) Joey, for God's sake, go to work! (Joey runs away).

[Scene: A restaurant. Ross and Charlie are waiting for her ex-boyfriend, Benjamin Hobart]

Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO?

Charlie: (glances over Ross' shoulder) Sorry, looks like it's just him.

Benjamin: Charlie! My God, you look absolutely stunning!

Ross: Well, I... I am having a good hair day.

Benjamin: So good to see you.

Charlie: Me too. (she and Benjamin are hugging for very long and Ross starts pretending to clear his throat, until they stop)

Ross: I'm ok.

Charlie: I'm sorry... (introduces them to each other) Ross Geller... Benjamin Hobart.

Ross: It's an honor to meet you. I can't tell you how long I've been an admirer of your work, I mean, that Nobel prize, (he thumbs up) whoooo! I mean, I have to tell you that, you're one of the reasons I got into the field.

Benjamin: Oh, well, likewise. Actually, not likewise. I've never heard of you until this morning, but, it's nice to be nice!

Charlie: Shall we? (they sit down and Benjamin takes Ross' chair).

Benjamin: (to Ross) Thank you! (to Charlie). I can't believe that you chose this restaurant! Do you remember the night?

Charlie: Oh my God, I completely forgot! (they laugh) Oh my God! I can't believe they let us back in this place! (they laugh more, and Ross start laughing too).

Benjamin (to Ross): You weren't there!

Ross: No, but, it's, you know, it's just a funny image, you know, the two of you, in this restaurant, with... (laughs nervously)tzz-zzz, mmm.

Charlie: Ross, why don't you tell Benji about your proposal, while I go to the ladies room?

Benjamin: So, tell me about it.

Ross: Ok well, I would like to do a dig in the painted desert.

Benjamin: M-m.

Ross: See, there are still several areas that haven't been fully excavated.

Benjamin: Break up with Charlie!

Ross: What?

Benjamin: What?

Ross: Did you just say "break up with Charlie"?

Benjamin: Well, yes, and now. Yes I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it.

Ross: Kind of inappropriate, don't you think?

Benjamin: I'm sorry. I just haven't seen her for so long! All these feelings are rushing back! I'm starting to realize how much I missed her, and I'm gonna need you to break up with her.

Ross: Are you serious?

Benjamin: If you say yes then I'm serious, if you say no then I'm joking!

Ross: No!

Benjamin: Joking it is!

[Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe enters the room.]

Phoebe: Hi! Sorry, I'm late.

Monica: Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting?

Phoebe: No, he really hates it. But he's gonna let me keep my box of human hair! So you got to pick your battles. But the good news is, Gladys is yours!

Monica: Wow, what's the bad news!

Rachel: Who's Gladys?

Phoebe: Oh, she's that work of art I made, you know, with the woman coming out of the frame.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, and Monica gets to keep her? In her house? I am so jealous!

Phoebe: Oh, I didn't know you wanted her too!

Monica: Huh!

Rachel: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But... you already gave that to Monica, so...

Monica: You know, I would give her up, for you.

Rachel: No, I couldn't let you do that.

Monica: But I want to.

Rachel: But I don't want you to.

Monica: But I insist!

Rachel: But I insist harder!

Phoebe: Girls, girls, stop, ok? We'll flip a coin. Heads, she's Rachel's, tails she's Monica's. (she flips the coin). Tails! Monica, she's yours!

Monica: No, that landed in your food!

Rachel: (sarcastic) No, no, that's ok. You won fair and square. I'm so sad!

[Scene: Chandler walks into Joey's apartment]

Chandler: Hey Joe!

Joey: What's up?

Chandler: Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested.

Joey: (sounds disappointed) Oh.

Chandler: (Hands the tape back to him) I'm sorry man.

Joey: (looks at him suspiciously) But, ehm... you watched the tape?

Chandler: (sounds nervous) Yeah! I... I... I liked it! (Joey continues to look at him suspiciously) But, ehm... my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches!

Joey: (sounds confident) You didn't watch the tape.

Chandler: (looks surprised) What!? Of course I did!

Joey: Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me?

Chandler: I'm not lying to you, I watched it!

Joey: Well, you lied again! (Rachel comes out of her room and is observing the conversation)

Chandler: I watched it!

Joey: Keep going Pinocchio!

Chandler: (now yelling) (pretending to look shocked) I did!

Joey: (yelling back) No you didn't! (turns and goes towards his room)

Chandler: (following him) I'm telling you, I watched the tape. (Reaches Joey's room and Joey slams the door in his face)

Rachel: Did you watch the tape?

Chandler:(In a sarcastic "of course not"!-tone) No!

[Scene: Interview room. Ross and two other professors (one man, one woman) are sitting on one side of a long desk. Benjamin Hobart is sitting on the other side]

Benjamin: The selection committee has chosen the three of you as our finalists today. The ultimate decision will be based upon the answers you give to the questions I ask here. I'm gonna start with Dr. Li. Dr. Li, you claim the field is too reliant on the Linnaean taxonomic system. How do you propose to correct this problem?

Dr. Li: Well, I believe that the answers lie in the osteological evidence. I plan to begin there.

Benjamin: (nods) Interesting.

Ross: (Rolls his eyes) I guess!

Benjamin: Dr. Biely, your proposal includes some field work. Where might that take place?

Dr. Biely: Primarily in the Pierre Shale region of South Dakota.

Benjamin: Certainly. Very well. And Dr. Geller, when is my birthday?

Ross: (shocked and confused by the question) What? I... I... (Benjamin looks at him as if to say "What's wrong? Answer the question")

Benjamin: Care to venture a guess?

Ross: (annoyed) May 12th?

Benjamin: (looks surprised and un-impressed) That's not even kinda close! (Ross looks around confused) Dr. Li, how many graduate students you'd be needing?

Dr. Li: Half a dozen.

Benjamin: I see, and Dr. Biely?

Dr. Biely: Three for excavation and two for analysis.

Benjamin: Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965 Shirelles hit was later covered by a popular British invasion band?

Ross: (even more shocked) Wha..? I need 6 graduate students.

Benjamin: No! I'm sorry, we were looking for "Baby It's You". Baby It's You.

Ross: Wha...? Wait, wait, wait, just a minute. None of my questions have anything to do with Paleontology.

Benjamin: You're right, I apologize. Scratch the last question. Spell "Boscodictiasaur".

Ross: (annoyed) um... I've never heard of a "Boscodictiasaur".

Benjamin: Yeah, I just made it up. Spell it.

Ross: (stares at him angrily) Ok. (determined to spell it correctly) B - O - S ...

Benjamin: No, it starts with a silent "M".

Ross: Oh come on!!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Rachel are talking.]

Chandler: I can't believe Joey. I hate being called a liar!

Rachel: But you are a liar.

Chandler: What did I just say?

(Joey comes out of his room)

Joey: You still here?

Chandler: Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something...

Joey: Ok whoah-hey... Let me just stop you right there, ok? First, you lied, right? Then, you lied about lying, ok? Then you lied about lying about lying, ok? So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... (loses count and begins to count the number of 'lyings' in the air but gives up.) (yelling) Stop lying!

Chandler: Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape?

Joey: (very angry) You wanna know wh...? You wanna know why? (goes back into his room)

Rachel: Well, this is going well. (Chandler looks worried)

Joey: (comes out holding the tape) Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape, ok? (puts it into the vcr) If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments. Alright, now remember, I got paid a lot of money for this and it only aired in Japan. (presses play and he appears on the TV screen and a TV commercial begins)

(The commercial:

Joey says "Ichiban". It displays a few girls dancing around and Joey fills most of the screen, he puts something blue on his lips and smacks them saying "Lipstick For Men!" It goes on to show him playing a guitar and putting on more blue lipstick. In the end he says seductively "Ichiban... Lipstick For Men" and "Sahiko" and it ends. Chandler and Rachel are speechless.)

Joey: (Yelling at Chandler) And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape! (goes back to his room and slams the door).

(Silence)

Chandler: He really is a chameleon.

[Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe enters carrying the horrific 'painting' of Gladys. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: (smiling from ear to ear) Well, Gladys say hello to your new home! (she holds out the 'painting')

Monica: (faking happiness) Oh, my!

Rachel: (surprised by how ugly it is) Wow! (sarcastic) Oh, she's so nice and big! Oh, Monica, where are you going to display Gladys oh so proudly? (looks around for a spot)

Monica: (sounds desperate, knowing what Rachel is trying to do) I haven't really settled on a spot yet!

Rachel: Well, hey! How about right above the TV? (Points to the spot where her famous French poster is hanging). That way, it will be the first thing that you see when you walk in the door!

Phoebe: (genuinely excited about it) Yeah, yeah! And you can get rid of that French poster.

Monica: (offended) I like that poster!

Phoebe: Really? It doesn't have anything coming out of it. Or maybe there is some place for her in your bedroom?

Rachel: (jumps at the chance to make that happen) Oh! There's nothing above your bed!!

Monica: (Impatient with Rachel) Are you still here?

[Scene: Ross' office. Ross is pacing and Benjamin enters]

Ross: Oh hi! Hello! Uh, have you come to ask me some more paleontology related questions? Uhm... your grandmother's nickname, perhaps? (Now yelling) Aunt Margaret's pants size?

Benjamin: I've come here to apologize. I think I may have let my feelings for Charlie interfere with the interview process.

Ross: (Sarcastic) No! Stop!

Benjamin: Anyway, I've decided to offer you the grant.

Ross: (Skeptical) Really?

Benjamin: Well... there is just one small... stipulation...

Ross: I have to break up with Charlie?

Benjamin: Hey, you got one right!

(Ross shakes his head)

Ross: You're crazy.

Benjamin: Crazy, or... romantic?

Ross: Crazy!

Benjamin: Ooor...

Ross: (Yelling) Get out! (Benjamin leaves)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.]

(Rachel enters, checking the mail, then looks up and sees Gladys placed on the barcalounger.)

Rachel: O-oh my God!

Joey: (enters from his bedroom) What?

Rachel: Joey, what... is... this...thing... doing here?

Joey: I got it from Monica. She sold it to me for a very reasonable price.

Rachel: Joey, we're not keeping this!

Joey: But it's an original Buffay...

Rachel: Alright, fine. You can keep it. As long as you don't mind that she's haunted.

Joey: Hey? what? what? wey! whoo! what? what!?

Rachel: Well, legend has it Joey, that... she comes alive when you're asleep.

(Joey's eyes are twice their size now, and looks nervously from Rachel to Gladys and back.)

Rachel: She climbs out of the frame, and then drags her half-a-body across the floor, just looking for legs to steal. (in a spooky, slow voice) And then with her one good hand, she slo-o-owly re-e-a-aches up and turns your doorknob.

Joey: GET THAT LEGLESS WITCH OUT OF HERE!

(Joey leaves for his bedroom, and Rachel grins. She then takes Gladys and enters Monica's apartment.)

Monica: Hey! I sold that to Joey.

Rachel: Well, why I told him it's haunted. Two can play at this game. (gives Gladys to Monica)

Monica: No, too late. You can't give it back! (she pushes the painting back to Rachel)

Rachel: Yes I can! (pushes her back again)

Monica: No you can't. She's yours!

Rachel: She's yours!

Monica: SHE'S YOURS!

Rachel: She's yours!

(While they are both pushing the painting towards each other, Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey! (there's a pause)

Rachel: She's mine!

Monica: She's m-i-i-ne!

Rachel: She's mine!

Monica: She's mine!

Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You don't have to fight over her anymore. (she goes out into the hallway and enters with an even more hideous painting/collage. One of those faceles mannequins heads wearing a blueish dress and orange gloves reaching out into the room. Around the head 3 small dolls are hovering.) Whoever doesn't get Gladys gets Glynnis. (Rachel and Monica are gasping for air at the sight of this monstrous piece of art.)

Rachel: I want Gladys!

Monica: She's mine!

Rachel: She's mine!

Monica: She's mine!

Rachel: She's mine!

[Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey's home alone, reading a Sports Illustrated magazine when Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you whether I think you are right for the part or not.

Joey: That's not the point Chandler. The point is that you lied.

Chandler: I know. You're right. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me?

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch.]

Monica: Oh my God!

(we see Joey and Chandler standing there, and Chandler is wearing the blue Ichiban lipstick!)

Rachel: Excellent!

Joey: Now, what do you say?

Chandler: Lying is wrong!

Joey: And?... AND?

Chandler: I'm a pretty little girl.

Phoebe: I knew it!

[Scene: Central Perk. Some time later that day. The group has left and Charlie is there when Ross enters.]

Ross: Your ex-boyfriend is insane.

Charlie: Did you get the grant?

Ross: No I didn't, and you want to know why? Because your ex-boyfriend is still in love with you.

Charlie: What?

Ross: Yeah. He wouldn't give me the grant, because I wouldn't give you up.

Charlie: Benji isn't in love with me. I mean, he broke up with me. And besides, he's a very ethical man.

Ross: Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review, who was the voice of "Underdog"?

Charlie: I'm sure he was just joking, Ross.

Ross: If you don't believe me, let's go talk to him, okay? I'm telling you, he didn't ask me one paleontological question.

Charlie: Seriously?

Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, no. He did ask me one. Uhm... How do you spell Mboscodictiosaur?

Charlie: Well, if it's like the lake Mbosco in Congo, then M-B-O...

Ross: Damnit!

[Scene: Benjamin's office. Ross and Charlie are entering.]

Benjamin: Dr. Geller...? Charlie... What are you... what are you doing here?

Ross: I want you to tell her everything. About the deal you tried to make with me, about the crazy questions you... Wally Cox! That's the voice of Underdog!

Benjamin: Like I tried to tell you in the interview Ross, this grant is not based on your knowledge of pretty useless trivia.

Ross: No, no, no. Don't do that! I want you to look her in the eyes, and tell her the truth.

Charlie: Benji?

Benjamin: Alright, it's true. I behaved horribly. But it's only because I still love you. And I would do anything to have you back in my life.

Ross: Too little, too late, Benji!

Charlie: I can't believe this.

Benjamin: I never should have broken up with you. I think about you all the time. I mean, do you ever still think about me?

Ross: (indignant) No!

Charlie: Yes!

Ross: What?

Charlie: I don't know what to say, Benji. This is all so.... romantic.

Ross: or...

Benjamin: Listen, I know, I may be way out of bounds here, but is there any chance you will take me back?

Charlie: Maybe...

Ross: Sweetie, this conversation is starting to make me a little uncomfortable.

Charlie: Oh God! I am so sorry, but... (she puts her hand on Ross's cheek) I mean it's... there's so much history between us, you know...

Benjamin: (puts his hand on Ross's other cheek) I'm sorry too...

(Charlie and Benji both let their hands slide down Ross's face, until their hands meet, and they hold hands.)

Benjamin: I love you!

Charlie: I love you too! (and they start to kiss)

Ross: Okay, that's it. WE ARE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Joey's bedroom. Joey's asleep with Hugsy, the penguin right next to him.]

(There are scratching and squeaking noises coming from the living room, and Joey wakes up, terrified. He pulls his blanket higher. The doorknob is turning.)

Joey: Gladys?

(The door opens, and there is Gladys, still in her frame though. Joey panics and moves frantically, screaming. Then there is laughing, and the painting is lowered. It was Rachel holding Gladys.)

Rachel: Ha ha ha, third time this week. Man, this does not get old.

Joey: You're mean!

Rachel: Oh, don't be such a baby!

(She closes his door again, and turns around. Then she starts screaming, terrified. There is Glynnis... And Monica holding her up, laughing.)

end

Friends

1007 - The One With The Home Study

Written by: Mark Kunerth

Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

Final check by Kim

[Scene: Central Perk]

(Joey and Ross enter. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.)

Ross: Hey you guys!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey, what are you doing?

Mike: Oh, figuring out our wedding plans.

Chandler: That's funny, we were doing the same thing!

Ross: Yeah!

Phoebe: It's really crazy! The hall, the dress, the food... I-I had no idea how expensive this stuff was!

Chandler: Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers.

Phoebe: So what did you two do about it?

Chandler: It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell.

Ross: There's no way around it Pheebs, you just gonna have to accept the fact that this is gonna cost you a lot of money.

Mike: I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion dollar a year industry.

Ross: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just like half of that.

Phoebe: But really, it does seem like this money could be put to better use?

Mike: Are you serious?

Phoebe: Yeah! Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and we just got married at City Hall?

Mike: I think it would make me wanna marry you even more. (he kisses her)

Ross: I've got to say you guys, that's an incredible gesture!

Chandler: (to Ross) Maybe you do that next time you get married!

Ross: No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be a Hawaii at sunset. [pause] But maybe the time after that!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]

(Monica is cleaning the table, Chandler is sitting on the sofa. Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: What's going on?

Chandler: Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment.

Monica: (sarcastically) We?

Chandler: You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways!

Joey: Hey, is this person who decides whether or not you... get a baby?

Chandler: Kind of. She's coming by to interview us and see where we live.

Monica: And it has to go perfectly, because if she doesn't like something about us she can keep us off every adoption list in the state.

Joey: Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity.

Chandler: (pointing at himself) Little people?

Joey: (pointing at himself) Celebrity.

Monica: Ok, so I think I'm just about done here, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like... porn or cigarettes?

Chandler: What...? NO!

Monica: Chandler?

Chandler: (he stands up and he feels very offended) I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation!

Monica: Ok, so there's not a magazine under the couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the VCR?

Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.

Monica: It isn't mine!

Joey: (going out with the VCR in his hand) Well, I guess we'll never know whose it is!

[Scene: The New York City Children's fund hallway.]

Charity guy: May I help you?

Phoebe: Yes. We're here to make a rather sizeable donation to the children.

Charity guy: Well, any contribution, large or small, is always appreciated.

Phoebe: Well, I think you're gonna appreciate it the crap out of this one (she gives him a check)

Charity guy: Well, this is very generous!

Phoebe: And we don't want any recognition. This is completely anonymous.

Mike: Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers.

Phoebe: Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay.

Charity guy: Well if you like, we can include your names in our newsletter.

Mike: Not necessary.

Phoebe: Buffay is spelled B-U-F-F-A-Y.

Mike: And "X" is spelled uhm... "Mike Hannigan".

Charity guy: Right. Well, on behalf of the children: thank you both very much.

Phoebe: Sure, I so glad we did this. It feels so good!

Mike: It does. It feels really good!

Phoebe: Oh, look! And we get these free t-shirts! (she takes a t-shirt which was on the counter)

Charity guy: Oh, actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym.

Phoebe: Mhm... it's moist.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.]

Ross: (he enters) Hi!

Rachel: Hi! Emma will be up in a minute!

Ross: Oh, good!

Rachel: Oh hey Ross... Listen, I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry.

Ross: Oh, that's OK. I'm sure there are tons of other beautiful paleontologists out there.

Rachel: Absolutely.

Ross: There was one! She's it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge!

Rachel: So, uhm... what are you gonna do today?

Ross: Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground!

Rachel: Oh my God, what!?

Ross: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire!

Rachel: Ok, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground.

Ross: Be-caaauuuse...

Rachel: (upset) All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little.

Ross: Seriously?

Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! (crying) And it was uneven for weeks!

Ross: (sarcastic) And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie!

Rachel: Ok, fine! You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. And I was thinking Claire Danes.

Ross: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see!

Rachel: Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! Ok? When you're... and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth!

Ross: Space is filled with orbiting children. (pause) Look, please, just come on, you know, when you’ll see the look on Emma’s face, I swear you won’t regret it.

Rachel: All right!

Ross: Good, you don’t want to be one of those mothers who pass on their irrational fears on their children, do you?

Rachel: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I’ll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment!

Ross: Oh, yeah, that’s the same, I am sure there are thirty different species of poisonous swings!

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Somebody knocks the door]

Monica: Oh my God, the adoption lady is early!

Chandler: Ok, ok, here we go.

Monica: Ok.

Chandler: Here we go. Stand up straight. (smiling) Big smile. (opens the door and both are smiling exaggeratedly)

Phoebe: Hello, is this the creepy residence?

Monica: We’re waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I’m glad you’re here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this (she puts a box on the table and opens it). I don’t know if you wanna use it, but…

Phoebe: Awe, this is so sweet of you! But you know what? I won’t be needing a veil, I actually won’t be wearing a dress at all!

Monica: I told you! I am not coming to a naked wedding!

Phoebe: No, no, no, we’re not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate them to the children charity.

Monica: That’s crazy! (Phoebe looks bewildered). I am sorry. I just can’t imagine giving up my one wedding day like that!

Phoebe: We, you know, we’re different! We don’t care about having a huge party. (She picks up the veil) This is really nice for you, but, oh, please, I put this on? (she puts it on) And, ow, I look (she looks her reflex image on a toaster), why, well, radiant. (pause) All right, well, who cares, I don’t need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.

Monica: That’s right. You’re making a commitment and that’s the same, whether you do that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it?

Phoebe: City Hall.

Monica: Ow! (Chandler slaps her on her back) Oh, that sounds nice! I am just there for jury duty. They really spruce that place up!

Phoebe: It’s ok, it’s ok. I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding (she covers her mouth)

Monica: Yay!

Chandler: But you already gave all your money to charity!

Phoebe: Well, I’ll just ask for it back!

Chandler: I don’t think you can do that!

Monica: Why not! This is her wedding day, this is way more important than some stupid kids!

Chandler: That’s sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption Lady.

[Scene: The playground. Ross put Emma on the swing and they’re ready to play]

Rachel: Ok, careful.

Ross: Ok.

Rachel: Careful, watch her hair. WATCH HER HAIR!

Ross: Rach, she’s got like three hairs!

Rachel: I know (she touches Emma’s head) but they’re just so beautiful! Oh, my God, I just pulled one out.

Ross: I promise you she’s safe! No watch how much she loves this.

Rachel: Ok.

Ross (to Emma): Ready sweety?

Rachel: Ok.

Ross: Here we go! (He starts pushing Emma)

Rachel: Ok, careful, ok. (Emma giggles) Oh, she’s smiling! Oh my God, she does like it!

Ross: See, I told you!

Rachel: Awe! (Emma laughs) Oh my God! Looks, she’s a little dare-devil! Oh, let me push, can I push?

Ross: Oh, absolutely!

Rachel: Ok. Oh God. (To Ross) Get the camera, it’s in the diaper bag.

Ross: Ok! (he takes the camera and walks backwards to take a shot) See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly (a swinging boy knocks him down) Ow!

[Scene: The New York City Children's fund ]

Mike: We’re seriously asking for our money back?

Phoebe: It’s for our wedding day! Right, now, is this guy gay or straight, because one of us gonna have to start flirting.

Charity guy: Wow! Are you here to make another donation the same day? I don’t think that that’s ever happened before.

Phoebe (to Mike): Gay, go.

Mike (to the charity guy): Oh my God, I love your shirt!

Phoebe: The donation we made earlier, we k…, we w…, we want it back.

Charity guy: Excuse me?

Phoebe: Yeah. See, that money was for a big wedding, that we thought we didn’t want, but it turns out we do.

Charity guy: So you’re asking us to refund your donation to the children?

Mike: Yeah! This feels really good.

Phoebe: I am sorry. I am, but this wedding is just really important to me.

Charity guy: Hey, it’s not my business, (he takes their check from a drawer) besides it’s probably a good thing. We really would have been spoiling the children, all those food, and warm clothing…

Phoebe: Hey, that’s not fair! A person’s wedding is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn’t have a graduation party! And I didn’t go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to “kill me” or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.( She storms out)

Mike: She could have been talking about either one of us.

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Somebody knocks the door]

Laura: Hi, I am Laura, I am here for your adoption interview.

Monica: Hi, I am Monica and this is Chandler. Please come in.

Laura: Thank you!

Monica: Would you like something to drink?

Laura: Oh, water would be fine.

Monica: Ok. Great. I am so glad that you are here. We’re really excited about getting this process started.

Chandler: Oh, because we love kids. Love ‘em to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.

Laura: Your place is just lovely.

Monica: Ah, thank you. This building does have a wholesome family feel to it.

Laura: You know, I... I feel like I've been here before. Are any other couples in the

building adopting?

Monica: Is that that couple on the first floor? Because we should get a baby before

them. Yeah! That guy tried to sell me drugs. (Laura looks shocked)

Chandler: But other than that... wholesome, wholesome building.

Laura: Oh...

Chandler: What?

Laura: I just realized why I remember this place.

Monica: Really? What is it?

Laura: Oh, it's nothing. I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building and it

didn't end very well.

Monica: Ohh... that wouldn't by any chance be... Joey Tribbiani?

Laura: Yes!

Chandler: Of course it was!

Laura: Yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call

me and he didn't.

Chandler: RAT BASTARD!

Laura: So you're not friends with him?

Monica and Chandler: OH GOD NO! Nope, no, no, no. No! No, no. Nope! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO! (finally Monica concludes) No!

Laura: Well, I'm sorry I brought it up. So, are either one of you planning on staying at

home with your child... (someone knocks on the door)

Joey: (form the other side of the door) Hellooo? Anybody in there order a celebrity?

(He starts to enter the apartment and Chandler runs to the door and shuts it back in

his face) OW!

Laura: What was that?

Chandler: Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with

kids though.

[Scene: Ross and Rachel are at the playground with Emma. Rachel in putting her back in the stroller and Ross is tending to his wound]

Rachel: Oh, oh Ross, oh my God, are you okay?

Ross: SON OF A BITCH! (turns to his right to see three kids staring at him) (To the

kids) Oh relax! I didn't say the 'F' word! (They go away)

Rachel: Ross, see! I told you, those swings are evil! Alright, that is it. That is

the last time Emma is getting on one of those things for her entire life.

Ross: No! No, no, no, no, okay, it wasn't the swing's fault. It was my fault and kind

of that (point to the kid that kicked him) kids fault. Who is still laughing. Nice.

Rachel: Ross, c'mon, please. Can we just get out of here, before somebody else gets

hurt?

Ross: No wait, okay, okay, I have an idea. I want you to get on the swing, okay? And

you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of.

Rachel: (looks at him suspiciously) I know what this is all about... You've always been

jealous of my hair.

Ross: Look, I just think you're an adult, okay? And you should get over your silly

fears.

Rachel: Alright fine. I'll do it.

Ross: Good.

Rachel: If you hold a spider.

Ross: (He freaks out and starts jumping around brushing his sweater) WHAT? WHERE? WHERE?

Rachel: IF you hold a spider.

Ross: I know. (Rachel bends down to Emma and Ross looks over his shoulder again,

afraid)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler is still leaning against the door, keeping Joey out, who is still banging and shouting on the other side.]

Joey: Guys? Everything ok? It's me, Joe...

Chandler: (Screams to interrupt Joey) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......AAAaaa-doption!!

Laura: What's going on?

Chandler: Oh, just like I said. That crazy... Bert... roaming the halls. (Joey bangs on

the door again)

Joey: Guys!?

Monica: Keep on roaming Bert! We don't want any crazy today!

Joey: What's going on?

Chandler: WE'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, BERT. EVERYTHNG'S FINE!!

(cut to Joey on the other side, who finally leaves the door and goes to his apartment)

Joey: Everything doesn't sound fine!

Laura: Is he alright out there by himself?

Chandler: Oh yeah! He has a caretaker. His older brother... Ernie.

Laura: Bert and Ernie!

Chandler: (nervous smile) You can't make this stuff up!

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike enter]

Mike: You never told me about that guy on your sweet sixteen. Oh, ugh. I'm sorry about

that.

Phoebe: (Lightly) Oh! It ended okay. One of my friends shot him.

Mike: Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper wedding. I mean, you really deserve that.

Phoebe: Yeah, I really do. You know, I had nothing growing up. (thinks for a few

seconds) Just like the kids I took the money from.

Mike: No! No, no. I see where this is going. Don't make me go back there.

Phoebe: Look, I can't have a wedding with this money now. It's tainted.

Mike: Alright, fine. We'll give the money back.

Phoebe: And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasn't shot

anyone in a really long time.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. They are preparing to show Laura around. Laura is standing with her back to the window, Chandler and Monica are standing on either side of her, facing each other.

Laura: Well, I must say, this seems like a lovely environment to raise a child in.

Monica: Oh, by the way, you are more than welcome to look under any of the furniture,

because, believe me, you won't find any porn or cigarettes under there!

Laura: Oh! Well, actually, before we look around, let me make sure I have everything I need

up to here...

(She starts checking her form. Chandler sees movement near the window from

the corner of his eye and when he looks he spots Joey climbing up the fire escape and

onto their balcony. He warns Monica silently.)

Monica: (Pulls Laura into the spare room) Why don't I show you the baby's room?

(Joey enters through the side window and jogs towards the kitchen holding a baseball bat)

Chandler: What the hell are you doing?

Joey: Well, you wouldn't let me in, so I thought you were in trouble.

Chandler: Well, we're not.

Joey: But you called me 'Bert'!? That's our code word for danger!

Chandler: We don't have a code word.

Joey: We don't? We really should. From now on, 'Bert' will be our code word for danger.

(Monica talks loudly in the baby's room)

Monica: So that was the baby's room. (They come out and Chandler throws Joey behind

the couch and puts his foot on him. Monica looks at Chandler)

Monica: (To Chandler) What room should we see next?

Chandler: Any room that isn't behind this couch! (laughs nervously)

Monica: (laughs nervously as well, Laura looks confused) (To Laura) Some people don't

get him, but I think he's really funny! (She takes Laura to their own bedroom).

(Joey gets up and look annoyed)

Joey: (quivering with anger) I did not care for that!

Chandler: (escorting Joey to the door) You have to get out of here. You slept with

our social worker and you never called her back and she is still pissed, so she can't

see you.

Joey: Ok, ok! (He leaves)

Chandler: Ok!

(Joey leaves and closes the door behind him. Chandler walks towards the living room, but then Joey enters again.)

Chandler: What?

Joey: I forgot my bat.

(He picks up his bat and holds it up, but then Monica and Laura enter the living room again. When Laura sees Joey, she freezes...)

Laura: Oh my God!

Chandler: And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! And we don't want to buy your bat! (Joey lowers his bat)

Laura: What are you doing here?

Joey: (to Chandler) Bert! Bert! Bert! Bert!

Laura: Are you friends with him?

Chandler: I can explain... Joey...

Joey: Uhm... ok... uhm... Well, yeah... You have got some nerve, coming back here. I can't believe you never called me.

Laura: Excuse me?

Joey: Oh... yeah... Probably you don't even remember my name. It's Joey, by the way. And don't bother telling me yours, because I totally remember it... lady. Yeah! I waited weeks for you to call me.

Laura: I gave you my number, you never called me.

Joey: No, no! Don't try to turn this around on me, ok? I'm not some kind of... social work, ok, that you can just... do.

Laura: (embarrassed towards Chandler and Monica) Well, I'm pretty sure I gave you my number.

Joey: Really? Think about it. Come on! You're a beautiful woman, smart, funny, we had a really good time, huh? If I had your number, why wouldn't I call you?

Laura: I don't know... Well, maybe I'm wrong... I'm sorry...

Joey: No, no, hey, no! Too late for apologies... ok? You broke my heart. You know how many women I had to sleep with to get over you? (and he leaves the apartment, leaving her shocked)

Laura: Joey, wait!

Joey: (acting sad) NO! I waited a long time, I can't wait anymore... (and closes the door behind him)

Laura: (laughing nervously) I'm sorry that you had to see that. I'm so embarrassed...

Chandler: Oh, that's really ok.

Monica: Yeah, that we totally understand. Dating is hard.

Laura: Boy, you people are nice... And I've got to say... I think you're going to make excellent parents.

(Chandler and Monica hug each other, and then Joey enters the apartment again.)

Joey: LAURA! (and points to her, very confident)

[Scene: The New York City Children's Fund building. Phoebe and Mike are entering.]

Phoebe: (to the Charity guy) We're back!

Charity guy: Are you here to take more money? Because, I think what you're looking for is an ATM.

Mike: No, no, we're here to give the money back.

Phoebe: Yeah, because you know what, it's... it's all about the children.

(the Charity guy smiles wanting to take the check, but Phoebe pulls it back again. His smile fades.)

Phoebe: Although... it's also about the wedding... Ugh, alright... here. (she gives the check and pulls it back again) No... Oh God... Oh!

Charity guy: If I haven't said so already sir, (sarcastically pointing to Phoebe) congratulations!

Mike: (takes the check from Phoebe) Ok, look! Enough! Alright? I'm stepping in. I'm putting my foot down! As your future husband I'm going to make this decision for us. (thinking) Now... what do you think we should do?

Charity guy: You know what? It's not your decision anymore.

Mike: What?

Charity guy: On behalf of the Children of New York, I reject your money.

Phoebe: But... but... but we're giving you this!

Charity guy: Yeah... And I'm giving it back to you... Come on! Consider it a contribution. (gives the check to Phoebe)

Phoebe: (looks at the amount on the check, and gasps) Well, this is very generous!

Charity guy: Please, take the check, go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together.

Mike: Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation.

Charity guy: Absolutely! And when you do, make sure you ask for Brian.

Phoebe: Oh, is that you?

Charity guy: No!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are sitting in their living room when the phone rings.]

Monica: Hello...? Oh hi... Oh my God...! Really...? I can't wait to tell Chandler... Ok, goodbye. (hangs up)

Chandler: Wrong number?

Monica: It was Laura... She gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list.

Chandler: That's great!

Monica: Now we just have to wait for a call and... and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh...

(Chandler and Monica hug and after a while the telephone rings again... Monica's eyes get bigger. Chandler answers.)

Chandler: Hello...? Have you seen Joey's bat?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: The playground. Ross, Rachel and Emma are still there. Rachel comes walking to Ross and Emma with something between her hands.]

Rachel: Ok... I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one.

Ross: (nervously) Ok...

Rachel: Ok... (and passes the spider to Ross who holds it in between his hands)

Ross: (Gasps and speaks at a higher pitch) This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing!

Rachel: (reluctantly) Ok... O-k...

(She slowly grabs the chains of the swing, swings her hair back, and sits down.)

Rachel: (more confident) Ok...

(She slowly walks forward and backward, to gain speed...)

Rachel: whoo... ok... wow... ok... OH!

Ross: See?

Rachel: A-alright! I can do this.

Ross: There you go! Good for you! And you know what, I'm actually getting used to this little guy. I don't really even feel him in here anymore.

Rachel: That's because he's on your neck.

Ross: Well... (realizes, screaming like a little girl, trying to get rid of the spider) Whaa... aaah... aaahhh...

(Ross is now preoccupied with the spider, and forgets that Rachel is still using the swing. While trying to get rid of the spider, he stands in front of Rachel, who bumps into him, throwing him on the ground again.)

Rachel: ROSS!

(Rachel tries to stop mid-swing, and the swing starts to turn from side to side)

end

Friends

1008 - The One With The Late Thanksgiving

Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

Final check by Kim

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter, the others are sitting on the couch.]

Monica: Hey guys!

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: We need to talk to you about something.

Chandler: Yeah. We don't feel like we can host Thanksgiving this year.

All: What?

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Are you kidding?

Chandler: Well, it's just with uhm, work and the stress of adoption, we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us.

Ross: (skeptical) That doesn't sound like you... That's Monica talking!

Chandler: No, no! We made this decision together.

Ross: She's putting words in your mouth!

Joey: Don't you put words in people's mouths, you put turkey in people's mouths!

Rachel: I can't believe this! This is Emma's first Thanksgiving!

Monica: No, it's not!

Rachel: It's not? (whispering to Ross) When was she born?

Phoebe: Well, personally I think it's great you're giving yourself a break.

Monica: Thank you, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Sure. It's just as well... I mean, last year wasn't very good. I think she's losing her touch.

Monica: What? You are way off, lady!

Phoebe: Am I? Really? Am I? Well, why don't you cook Thanksgiving dinner and prove me wrong! Well, think about it, think about it, you'll be trying to top than you did last year. You'd be in competition... with yourself.

Monica: That's my favourite kind! Okay, we are doing this!

Chandler: Don't let yourself get manipulated this way!

Monica: Hey, stay out of this, Chandler! This is between me... and ME!

Chandler: We are supposed to make these decisions together! Did you not watch the Doctor Phil I taped for you?

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Monica are in there, and Phoebe enters]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hi! Happy Thanksgiving!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, happy needless-turkey-murder day.

Monica: You guys, I ordered some chocolate pies from that bakery on Bleecker. Could you pick them up for me?

Phoebe: You're not making the pies yourself?

Monica: No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies. When I was younger I-I enter in this pie-eating contest. I ate so many that just the thought of them made me sick.

Rachel: Did you at least win the contest?

Monica: 2 minutes, 12 pies and a part of one tin! Okay, I see you guys at 4.

Rachel: Can't wait!

Monica: This dinner is gonna be so great! In your face, last year "me"!

(Monica leaves)

Phoebe: Hey Rach.

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: What's Emma doing today?

Rachel: Well, let's see... uh... I know that she has a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to make a very big poop. Why?

Phoebe: Well, I wanna enter her in a baby beauty pageant.

Rachel: Oh my God! That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard!

Phoebe: Okay, but, well, before you say no, my friend Susanne is entering her kid and compared to Emma she's a real dog!

Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, all babies are beautiful!

Phoebe: (sarcastic) Oh... okay.

Rachel: Phoebe, just the idea of pitting one baby against another, I mean, you know, and judging who's cuter just for a trophy...

Rachel: And a thousand dollars.

Rachel: ...is something I'm very interested in! Oh please, do not tell Ross. He still believes that (in a deep voice, mocking Ross) what's in the inside is important...

Phoebe: Okay, oh, and Emma needs a cowgirl outfit for the competition.

Rachel: Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on Thanksgiving?

Phoebe: Well, I was thinking...

Rachel: Oh, take the clothes of Joey's Cabbage Patch Kid.

Phoebe: Yeah!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is watching TV and Monica is cooking]

Monica: (Chandler's laughing) Did someone drop the baton again?

Chandler: Why come all the way from Kansas to do that?

Monica: (she tastes what she has cooked) I don't get older. I just get better!

Chandler: You know what just occurred to me? This could be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I mean, we could be getting a baby soon!

Monica: You don't know that.

Chandler: Somebody is gonna pick us.

Monica: Yeah, but we haven't heard a thing from the adoption agency and it has been weeks!

Chandler: I'm telling ya! It's gonna happen. Next year it's gonna be you, me and the little Hemingway Bing. (pause) What, he's my favourite author!

Monica: Name one of his books.

Chandler: (after a long pause) "The Firm"?

Monica: Ok, let's see... uhm, okay, the turkey is in the oven, the stuffing is ready...

Chandler: You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year.

Monica: Oh, Chandler, that's sweet. But you don't have to do everything Doctor Phil tells you to do.

Chandler: I'm serious, let me do something, just not the turkey or the stuffing, nothing "high profile".

Monica: Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce, it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it.

Chandler: Tell me more.

Monica: Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these (she gives Chandler a bowl with cranberries. Then, while she's going outside, she sees him with a bottle of soap in his hands) Not with soap!! (she leaves)

Chandler: You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive potatoes!

(Ross and Joey enter)

Ross: Hey! Hey, guess what Joey has!

Joey: Three tickets to today's Rangers game!!

Ross: Dude, I wanted him to guess.

Joey: Oh.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Joey: Yeah, they're great seats too!

Ross: Guess where they are?

Joey: Center ice.

Ross: Did I do something to you?

Chandler: Hmm, the game's at one.

Ross: So?

Chandler: Dinner is at four, we'll never gonna make it back.

Joey: So we'll leave before it's over, we'll be back in time.

Chandler: You say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up.

Joey: Dude, two times that happened!

Chandler: Look, Monica has been working hard all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldn't go!

Ross: He's right, man.

Joey: Right, I guess. Alright, so see you at four.

Chandler: Okay. (pause) And get ready to taste my very special cranberries. Or should I say... chanberries!

Joey: That's some gentle comedy, dude. (he and Ross leave)

Ross: We're still going at the game, right?

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: Yeah.

[Scene: Baby beauty contest]

Host: This is contestant number sixteen, Rebecca...

Phoebe: Hey.

Rachel: Oh Phoebe, listen. Well, I think we gotta go. This place is really freaking me out. I've been watching this guy over there, I don't think he came with a kid!

Phoebe: We can't leave now! There was this one baby, Haley, who was favourite to win and she got croup, so she had to stay home! This competition just blew wide open, folks!

Rachel: Phoebe, I think... It's just too weird, I just saw a one year old running around with pantyhose on!

Phoebe: Oh, I know, we should have been more prepared. (she looks around) It's okay. Now, the way I see it, our real competition now is Cameron. Oh my God, they just took her sweater off. Look at those arms! Hello Michelin Man.

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe! Come on! You know what, it's already three o'clock and they haven't even gotten to Emma's group yet. We gotta go, we got dinner!

Phoebe: (panicking) But Emma's got what it takes, she could go all the way!

Rachel: Phoebe, you have to calm down.

Phoebe: Okay. Rachel, the hottest babies in the Tri-State Area are in this room right now! I overheard one of the judges say that not one of them holds a candle to Emma!

Rachel: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: You heard them say that?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: All right, okay. Alright, let's give to these babies something to cry about!

Phoebe: Good! Oh yay! Let's get down to business! Emma needs some makeup!

Rachel: No, what?

Phoebe: Well, she's gonna look all washed out next to the other contestants!

Rachel: No Phoebe, I am not letting you put makeup on my baby!

Phoebe: Why not!

Rachel: Because I already did!

[Scene: Madison Square Garden]

(there's a lot of shouting and yelling)

Joey: Oh, Bob, get off the guy!

Ross: Oh! What a game, huh?

Joey: I know, yeah.

Ross: I can't believe Chandler is missing this!

Joey: Yeah. I am sorry he's not here too, but I got to say, (takes some nachos from a plate on the seat where Chandler should have been) I am really enjoying Nacho Chair.

Ross: Yeah, I'd probably enjoy it more if you didn't keep batting my hand away.

Joey: Ohhhh! These seats are great!

Ross: I know, I know! When I was here for Holidays on Ice (Joey looks around worried hoping no one heard that) I was sitting so far away Michelle Kwan couldn't read my banner!

Joey: (looks at the time) Wow, hey, we'd better get going. If we don't leave right now, we'll be late for dinner.

Ross: Oh, but it's a kind game! So we're a little late, you know, the girls will be there, let's stay just for one more goal.

Joey: I don't know...

Ross: One more fight!

Joey: Okay.

Ross: Okay.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment.]

Monica: Where is everybody? They're forty-five minutes late!

Chandler: I can't believe they are not here! I slave and I slave for what? They've ruined cranberry day!

[Scene: The corridor. Ross and Joey have just arrived.]

Joey: How late are we?

Ross: Forty-five minutes.

Joey: Wow (He opens his apartment door and throws their stuff in.)

Ross: (handing him his coat) Here!

Joey: Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay? So they probably started without us. We could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were! (he raises his hands and on his right one there's a Rangers foam finger)

Ross: You may want to lose the foam finger!

Joey: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You just want to put it on your hand!

(Rachel, Phoebe and Emma arrive)

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh!

Joey: You are not at Thanksgiving?

Rachel: No...

Phoebe: No, we're late!

Rachel: What are you doing here!

Ross: We're late too! (Rachel screams)

Joey: We figured we could be late because you guys were gonna be on time (he points the foam finger at the girls)

Phoebe: Don't point that thing at me, Tribbiani!

Ross: So, nobody's here? Monica's gonna kill us!

Joey: Yeah, where were you!

Ross: Yeah, yeah, what's with the trophy!

Phoebe: Uh, we were at the Spelling Bee!

Rachel: And I won!

Ross: You won an adult Thanksgiving day spelling bee.

Rachel: Yes! (spells it) Y-E-S. Yes!

Ross: Let me see this... (he takes the trophy from Rachel's hands) Grand Supreme Little Darling, New York Division.

Rachel: Yeah. That's me!

Ross: You entered Emma into a Beauty Pageant?

Phoebe: And it looks like she put makeup on her!

Joey: Wait a second, wait a second, where have I seen that cowgirl outfit before...

Ross: I can't believe this, she's our daughter! That you would treat her like some kind of showdog is inexcusable!

Rachel: She won a thousand dollars!

Ross: So this is an annual thing?

Joey: (realizing) Oh! That's Alicia Mae Emory's outfit!

Phoebe: You guys, there are people in there who are not getting any happier!

Ross: Yeah. What are we gonna do?

Rachel: Well, I don't know, you guys figure it out, I got to put Emma down for a nap.

Joey: All right. Hey Rach, while you're in there, throw something on Alicia Mae.

Phoebe: Alright, what are we gonna say?

Ross: Ooh, we'll say that we were mugged! You can't get mad at someone who's been mugged!

Phoebe: Oh, good, that's good, but you don't look like you were mugged!

Joey: No. Here (he tears off the pocket from Ross' shirt, and tears off everything below that as well.)

Ross: (to Joey) HEY!

[Scene: Monica's apartment.]

Monica: Do you hear something? (Chandlers stands up and goes to the door to look out from the peephole)

Chandler: (peeping) They're out there!

Monica: Ohhh! Let me see! Oh God, I can't believe this! They're an hour late and they're just staying out there, talking!

Chandler: (peeping) Everything is so distorted! Looks like Joey has a giant hand! Which says "Rangers" on it. They went to the game!

Monica: (gasps) Oooh! They are in for a world of pain!

Chandler: (looking through the peephole again) Ross' shirt is torn.

Monica: Oh! They're late and they're sloppy!

[Cut to the hall]

(Rachel comes out of her apartment}

Rachel: Alright, Emma is napping... (then to Ross) what happened to your shirt?

Ross: I got mugged. And they stole my pocket.

Phoebe: We're just... we're trying to figure out an excuse. Hey! Ooh! How about this: We can say that Monica told us 5 o'clock, not 4 o'clock. That way we're right on time! (Others start to agree but she continues) OR... or, we can plant PCP in the apartment and call the cops on her.

Ross: (sarcastic) That would be a good way to get rid of all the PCP we have lying around.

Rachel: You know what, we just say that she said it was 5 o'clock. We'll just act casual. We're not late, we're right on time. (When she finishes talking, a note is pushed from under Monica's and Chandler's door, into the hall. Ross picks it up and reads it out loud)

Ross: (Reading the note) We know you're out there. (Rachel gasps)

Joey: (whispering) Who do you think its from?

[time lapse – they are still in the hall]

Rachel: Oh, God. This is bad. This is so bad.

Ross: Well, let's just go in there and face them.

Phoebe: Well, I'm not going in first. I bet that vein on Monica's forehead is popping like crazy.

Joey: I hate that thing, it's like a... bolt of lightning.

Rachel: Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first. (they all agree) Ready? (they do the rock-paper-scissor thing with they hands and Rachel has paper, Phoebe and Ross both have rock, while Joey is doing a strange upward wiggling with his fingers. They all look a him confused).

Joey: (smiling from ear to ear) Ah-haah! I win!!

Ross: What is that?

Joey: That's fire. Beats everything.

Phoebe: Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon? (She places her hand over his "fire" and mimics a bursting water balloon, thus putting the fire out).

Joey: Ooh! Well played, Phoebe Buffay, well played.

Rachel: Alright, enough, enough, come on. Let's just all go in at the same time.

All: Alright, okay. (Phoebe reaches for the door, and tries to open it but it's locked)

Phoebe: It's locked.

Ross: Wha...? Oh sure, now they lock it, but when they're having sex on the couch, its like: "Come on in, my butt is surprisingly hairy".

Rachel: Alright, come on... (starts to knock on the door) Alright, you guys. We're so sorry we're late. Please let us in, so we can have dinner together.

[cut to Monica and Chandler]

Monica: No! Everything's cold. The turkey's dried out and the... the stuffing is all soggy.

Chandler: Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce that... (speaking lower to Monica) what happens to cranberry sauce?

Monica: (Rolling her eyes) Nothing. It's fine.

Chandler: (relieved) Oh thank God!

[cut to the hall]

Ross: Come on you guys, we're sorry, alri...? Our subway broke down.

Chandler: (looking through the peephole) That's a lie, you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand.

Ross: (to Joey, who is wearing a blue, 3 foot hand) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE IT OFF!! (takes it off his hand and throws it on the floor)

Rachel: You guys, come on, it doesn't matter why we're late. We're all here now, please let us in so we can have some of your delicious turkey. (A slice of turkey on a piece of aluminum foil is slid under door)

Joey: I had a dream once about a fax machine that did that. (Ross picks it up)

[cut to Monica and Chandler]

Monica: That's all the turkey you're gonna get.

[cut to the hall]

Ross: How are we gonna decide who gets this?

Joey: (holds his fist up) WATER BALLOON! (he stuffs the slice in is mouth and gives the foil back to Ross)

Phoebe: What are we gonna do? I'm starving.

Rachel: (gasps) Oh, I just remembered. We do have something to eat. Monica put something in our oven this morning.

Phoebe: Oh yeah!

[cut to Monica and Chandler]

Monica: Hey, you touch that and you will be sorry.

Chandler: Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it. (Monica looks at Chandler)

[cut to the hall]

(Rachel comes out of the apartment holding a pot. Joey holds in anticipation and Rachel opens it)

Rachel: Huh... OH MY GOD IT'S BRUSSELS SPROUTS. (they all look appalled)

Ross: That's worse than no food.

[cut to Monica and Chandler]

(Monica looks insulted)

Chandler: HA-HA! All you got was Monica's stinky Brussels sprouts!

Monica: Stinky?!

Chandler: Please let me stay on this side of the door.

[cut to hall]

Rachel: Oh, I know... I still have my old key! (She goes in to get it and comes back with her keys) We can just unlock the door.

Phoebe: Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea. They clearly don't want to be with us.

Rachel: You know what? I don't want to be with them either, but it's Thanksgiving and we should not want to be together, together. (Goes to unlock the door)

Joey: (to Ross) Just get in there and make a face to face apology, you know? Look them in the eye. I know I can get them to forgive us.

Ross: I don't know...

Joey: I'm telling ya... (his eyes open wide and he looks like his eyes are about to pop out. He stares at Ross like this without blinking) I can do it.

Ross: (Staring back, and then breaks off) (To Phoebe and Rachel) Yeah, he can do it!

(Rachel finally manages to open the door, but the door chain is on.)

Rachel: Oh!

(Joey sticks his head through the gap. Monica and Chandler are now sitting at the dinner table. There is another smaller table full of food standing in front of the front door)

(Monica and Chandler do not look amused by Joeys head in the door)

Joey: Oh! It all looks so beautiful: the turkey, the stuffing...

(Monica is now smiling)

Chandler: The cranberries...?

Monica: Oh! Enough! A monkey could have made 'em!

Joey: (still with his door wedged in the door gap, now opens his eyes wide and stares at Monica and Chandler as he did with Ross earlier in the hall) Hey listen guys, we feel really terrible.

Chandler: He's doing that weird eye contact thing. Don't look at him, don't look at him! (They both look away)

Joey: Come on you guys, we want you to know we're (His eye widen even more) very very sorry. (Monica and Chandler are now covering their eyes with their hands) (then to the others in the hall) Right guys?

(Ross head appears above Joey's, Rachel's below Joey's and Phoebe's at the bottom)

Ross: I feel terrible.

Phoebe and Rachel: So, so sorry.

Joey: (smiling) Now let's not ruin this day. You worked so hard. Let's move past this and try to have a nice meal all together, huh?

Chandler: The floating heads do make a good point.

Monica: Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad.

Rachel: So bad.

Ross : So bad.

Phoebe: So bad.

Monica: (Gets up) Okay, okay. You two (to Phoebe and Rachel) go get the dessert. And I'll let you in.

Rachel: Dessert?

Monica: Yeah, I asked you and Phoebe to pick up the pies. You did remember, right?

Phoebe: Pies, oh, we thought you said priiiize (goes to the hall and comes back with Emma's trophy in her hand). Here! (gives it to Monica).

(Monica takes it and reads the label)

Monica: Grand Supreme Little Darling?

Rachel: Congratulatioooons!

Monica: Oh my God! YOU FORGOT THE PIES? Well, I cannot believe this. You force me to make dinner, then you're an hour late and you forget the one little thing that I asked you to do.

Ross: Really girls, not cool.

Chandler: Well, you manheads aren't any better. You lied about going to the game. You knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway.

Joey: Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this okay? We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes! A day of forgiveness!

Ross: It's a day to be thankful.

Joey: (to Ross, mouthing) Don't make me come up there!

Monica: It's too late for apologies.

Joey: Fine! Let's just go. I don't need your stupid dinner.

Chandler: That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling.

Rachel: Ewww, is that what that is?

Joey: Sorry!

Phoebe: Come on you guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving.

Rachel: Yeah! I'll cook!

Ross: Yeah! Let's go out.

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Yeah! You three have a nice Thanksgiving.

Monica: The three of us?

Joey: Yeah! You, Chan, and the vein!

(Monica gasps and holds her forehead. Phoebe, Rachel and Ross pull back their heads)

Joey: Ha!

(When Joey tries to pull back his head, he notices he is stuck)

Joey: Oh-oh! I'm stuck!

Monica: Joey, that is not gonna work.

Joey: No seriously... I'm really wedged in here.

Phoebe: I'll pull you through.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: (in agony) aaw-ahhh-aaahhh STOP! STOP! I'm worried about damaging my head.

Chandler: A little late for that.

Joey: Alright, hurry up, you gotta do something.

Monica: Alright, well, this does not change anything. (to Chandler) Okay, we need to get something to grease the sides of his face.

Chandler: Uhm, we've got turkey grease.

Monica: Bring it.

Joey: I just wanna say that I'm sorry I referred to the vein as a seperate person...

(Chandler gives Monica a footlong "eye dropper" with the turkey grease in it)

Monica: Here you go!

(She squirts some of the grease along Joey's face.)

Joey: Oh, that smells good!

(And he starts licking the grease which trickles down his face. Monica also squirts some on the other side of his face, and his tongue follows her movements.)

Joey: Okay.

Monica: Okay, try it.

(Joey tries to pull back at all his might.)

Joey: It isn't working.

Monica: Alright, we're gonna have to unscrew the chain.

Joey: Well hurry, I can't feel my ears!

Chandler: Can you ever feel your ears?

Joey: Interesting...

Monica: Chandler, where are your tools?

Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, I left them on my bulldozer... I don't have tools!

Monica: I do, but Rachel borrowed them.

Rachel: I lent them to Ross.

Ross: I gave them to Joey.

Joey: I left them at the park.

Monica: Oh!

Ross: (looking at Joey's butt) I'm finding it really hard not to mess with him.

Phoebe: I've already stuffed a bunch of Brussel sprouts down his pants.

Ross: Nice!

(The phone rings in Chandler and Monica's apartment)

Monica: Okay, I have to get that. Now when I get back, I want you and your friends to be gone. Thanksgiving is over. The Vein has spoken.

Joey: It's really starting to hurt.

Chandler: Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? Okay, so PUSH!

Phoebe: Just a sec., we're kind in the middle of something here.

(Rachel, Ross and Phoebe have their hands full and are stuffing all kinds of things down Joeys pants.)

Joey: Ooh! Stop putting things down my pants!

Chandler: Come on guys, PUSH!

Joey: Yeah! Come on!

Joey and Chandler: PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!

(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and because Joey was pushing with all his might, he propells into the kitchen, towards the table with all the food. This table has wheels underneath it, and when Joey falls on this table, he rides into the living room, with all the food falling off, until finally Joey also falls off... Joey gets up quickly, a bit agitated, and acting as nothing happened. He is covered in food stains.)

Chandler: My cranberries!

Joey: (looking at himself) Man, I've got food all over me.

(He licks his fingers, liking it. He offers Chandler a taste.)

Chandler: Argh! I can't believe what you did. Monica's gonna kill you!

(Monica enters from the spare bedroom.)

Chandler: (to Monica) Look! Look! Look what the... Look what... Look what the floating heads did!

Monica: (very emotional) I don't care.

(Chandler can't believe what he's hearing. He looks at Monica, then at the others, then back at Monica.)

Chandler: What's going on?

Monica: That was the adoption agency...

Chandler: And?

Monica: WE'RE GETTING A BABY!

Chandler: Are you serious? (they hug)

Monica: There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and she picked us!

(They all cheer and Rachel, Ross and Phoebe join in for a group hug. Joey also joins, but he stands back a bit, because he is all sticky of the food on him)

Rachel: I'm so happy for you!

Monica: This Thanksgiving kicks last Thanksgiving's ass!

(They all cheer and hug again, but Joey's eating the food off his shirt)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. The table is set, and there's food on the tables again. They're all there, toasting.]

Rachel: To Monica and Chandler... and that knocked up girl in Ohio.

Ross: I'm just so happy you guys are finally getting a kid.

Phoebe: I know. Have you considered pageanting?

Monica: I can't believe they called, and we're actually getting a baby. (she kisses Chandler)

Joey: Oh, I know how you feel...

(Monica and Chandler are looking curiously at Joey.)

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Sure. I went through the exact same thing with Alicia Mae Emory... The waiting, the wandering... Then one day... I get that call from Toys "R" Us... She was in stock!

Chandler: That is the exact same thing.

THE END

Friends

1009 - The One With The Birth Mother

Written by: Scott Silveri

Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

Final check by Kim

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch.Monica and Chandler enter]

Chandler: Hi!

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: We're just here to say goodbye, we're off to Ohio.

Phoebe: Oh, right! Your adoption interview!

Monica: Yep, we're gonna meet the lady who could be carrying our baby.

Joey: I can't believe it. When you guys come back, you're gonna have a baby! That is so weird!

Chandler: And so incorrect!

Monica: She's only a couple of months pregnant. She liked our application but who knows if she's gonna like us.

Ross: Come on, she's gonna love you guys!

Chandler: Uhm, thank you, but we're really trying not to get our hopes up.

Monica: And a lot could still get in our way.

Chandler: Yeah. I mean, this girl could decide against adoption or she could like another couple better..

Phoebe: What are you gonna name the baby?

Chandler: I can develop a condition in which I talk and talk and no one hears a word.

Joey: But just think, ok? What if everything goes right? What if this woman does pick you guys?

Monica: Oh my God. She's gonna pick us!

Chandler: So we're standing firm on the 'not getting our hopes up'?

Monica: You know, I know that things could still go wrong but if they don't? If this works out, we're gonna have a baby Chandler, a baby!

Chandler: Yes, but...

Monica: Oh my God, it's gonna WORK! We're gonna make it work! I'm gonna be a mummy and (to Chandler) you're gonna be a daddy! All right, I'll see you suckers. I'm gonna get me... A BABY! {she leaves)

Chandler: Oh, screw it, I'm gonna be a daddy!!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's speaking to a girl.]

Rachel: (to Joey) Hey, who's Phoebe with?

Joey: I'm gonna say someone I'm gonna have sex with. (the girl leaves and Phoebe goes toward the couch) (to Phoebe) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: So... who's your friend?

Phoebe: Oh, that's Sarah. No, no. Don't you get any ideas, ok? No, I'm not setting you up with any more of my friends!

Joey: OW, why, why, why?

Phoebe: Because you'll date her once, sleep with her and then forget she exists!

Joey: Oh, name one friend of yours that I did that with.

Phoebe: Mandy.

Joey: Mandy, uh? Uh... really hot blonde, big boobs?

Phoebe: No.

Joey: I know why I don't remember her, huh? (he winks at Rachel)

Rachel: Do you think I'm someone else?

Joey: Ok, I may not have treated your friends well in the past, but I have grown up a lot, really. Honest, Rach?

Rachel: Well, believe it or not, it's true. When Joey and I were together, he was wonderful. He was thoughtful and mature. And for the one week that we went out, he didn't sleep with anybody else!

Joey: (pointing at himself) Growth!

Phoebe: Fine, I'll give you her number.

Joey: Ok, thank you. And I promise you I will not forget this one. (he starts writing on his hand) Mandy.

Phoebe: SARAH!

Joey: Saraaah.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey you guys, I need some fashion advice.

Rachel: Oh!

Ross: (he takes a baby blue beret out of a shopping box and puts it on) How does this look?

Rachel: Well, it's a little low... pick up a little... (Ross picks it up) a little bit more... (he picks it up again) a little bit more... (he takes it off) There you go! (pause) Now throw it away!

Ross: C'mon! This looks good!

Rachel: Ross, please, trust me. I buy 30 fashion magazines a month. Now, I don't know who's running for president or who that... NATO guy is, but I do know that you have to get as far away as you can from that hat.

Ross: Damnit! I have this date tomorrow night and I have to look cool!

Phoebe: Well, you know, if you want fashion help, Rachel and I are going shopping tomorrow. You're more than welcome to come with us, right?

Ross: Really? That would be great. I mean, I have to do something, she kinda teased me about how I dress.

Joey: I can see why, nice shirt!

Ross: You're wearing the same shirt.

Joey: Stupid Gap on every corner!

[Scene: The Adoption Agency in Ohio. Monica and Chandler are entering with a man.]

Agency guy: Please, make yourself comfortable and I will back in a moment with Erica.

Monica: Ok, thank you.(the man leaves) Uh, well this is it. Are you OK?

Chandler: Yeah. Just weird, you know. It's like: "Hi, I'm Chandler. May I have the human growing inside you?"

Monica: Uh, we're gonna be great.

Chandler: You're gonna be great.

Monica: Well... obviously!

Agency guy: (he enters with Erica) Monica, Chandler. I'd like you to meet Erica.

Monica: Hi. It is so, so nice to meet you.

Erica: (whispering) Hi...

Chandler: Thank you so much for agreeing to see us.

Erica: Hi.

Agency guy: I'll let you get acquainted.

Chandler: Ok.

Erica: So, it's Monica and Chandler. I only know you as file 0W33815-D.

Chandler: That's what our friends call us.

Erica: Gosh, you know, you're just such an amazing couple. It's... kind of intimidating.

Monica: I don't know about that.

Erica: You're kidding me? I mean, it's enough that you are a doctor. But on top of it, you're married to a reverend?

Chandler: (astonished) I don't think that's exactly...

Monica: (overlapping) Let her finish, doctor.

[Scene: Central Perk]

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Oh, my friend Sarah had a great time last night.

Joey: Well...

Phoebe: Yeah! So you're gonna call this one back?

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: What are you talking about? Sarah's great!

Joey: Oh, really? You know what your great friend did? We're out to dinner, ok? (he starts talking about the date and we can see what happened through a flashback video) We're getting along, having a really nice time. I was thinking she was really cool. And then, out of nowhere...

(Sarah picks up some fries from Joey’s plate and Joey looks very angry. Then we’re back to Central Perk and Joey does a you-see-what-I-mean look to Phoebe)

Phoebe: That’s it? That’s why you won’t go out with her again? So, she took some fries, big deal!

Joey: Hey, hey, look! It’s not about a few fries... it’s about what the fries represent.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: ALL FOOD!

Phoebe: I’m sorry, I can’t believe I set you up with such a MONSTER!

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look. I take a girl out, she can order whatever she wants! The more, the better! All right? Just don’t order a Garden salad and then eat my food! That’s a good way to lose some fingers!

(Rachel enters from the main door)

Phoebe: (to Rachel) Oh

Rachel: Hi

Phoebe: Thank God you’re here. Listen to this!

Rachel: what?

Phoebe: Joey and my friend were out last night and having dinner and she reaches over and takes a few of his fries...

Rachel: Oh! Oh, no!

(Joey looks satisfied)

Phoebe: What? You know about the plate thing?

Rachel: Oh, yeah. Joey doesn’t share food. I mean, just last week we were having breakfast and he had a couple of grapes on his plate and ...

Phoebe: (to Joey) You wouldn’t let her have a grape?

Rachel: Oh no! Not me! Emma!

(Phoebe looks horrified and she turns to watch Joey)

Joey: (mad and pointing a finger to himself) JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!

Phoebe: Well, I still think that it’s a stupid reason not to call someone again. You are calling her! And if you need to, just get an extra plate of fries for the table!

Joey: (he thinks a little, considering the option and seems to be quite satisfied) I like that! A sharing buffer! Yeah! I’ll order some extra fries! Maybe a plate of onion rings. Yeah. And a shrimp cocktail. And some buffalo wings. Maybe an individual pizza, uh? And some mozzarella sticks. (he looks absorbed in his food thoughts) What were we talking about?

[Scene: A clothes store. Ross and Phoebe are shopping]

Phoebe: (to Ross) This place is awesome!

Ross: You know, we should just go, I’m not gonna find anything here! This stuff is ridiculous!

(Rachel arrives with a lot of clothes)

Rachel: Ah, this place is great!

Phoebe: Wow!

Ross: Rach, come on, I’m not gonna wear any of this! (he picks up a shirt) Nothing silver. (Rachel sighs). Ok? Nothing with hair! (Rachel sighs again) And nothing with padlocks on it! (Rachel heaves a long disappointing sigh).

Rachel: Ross, look, I know that some of this stuff is out there, but I mean, come on, look at this, look at this sweater! (she picks up a blue sweater). I mean, this is just beautiful!

Ross: (feeling the fabric) Wow, this is really soft (he looks the price). Three hundred and fifty dollars?

Rachel: Yeah, down from seven hundred, you are saving like two hundred bucks!

Ross: Both logic and math are taking a serious hit today.

Phoebe (walking to Ross carrying a black leather jacket): Hey, check this out! It’s totally you!

Ross: Wow!

Phoebe: Yeah!

(Ross wears the jackets and look at himself in the mirror)

Ross: Actually this looks like pretty good! Yeah!(he turns and watches his back and there’s a sign on the back of the jacket, “boys will be boys”) Boys will be boys?

Phoebe: What? They will be!

Ross: All right, that’s it, I’m getting out of here.

Rachel: No, no, no, no! Ross, wait! Come on! You know, there’s other stuff. Here’s a nice shirt, look at these nice pants...

Ross: Uh, actually these might look pretty good on me.

Rachel: Yes, they will! You know what you should do? Just go take a walk, all right? I know your size and I’m... I’m gonna pick up some really good stuff for you.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Yes! And I know what looks sexy on guys. Please, just wear what I suggest, and she’s gonna go nuts for you.

Ross: So, you’re saying, uh, if I wear these pants I might be getting into hers?

Rachel: (to Phoebe) Why do men keep talking to me like this?

[Scene: The Adoption Agency in Ohio. Monica and Chandler are still talking with Erica.]

Chandler: So, the fact that I am a doctor, and my wife’s a reverend, that’s important to you?

Erica: Yeah, I read some great applications, but then I thought “who better then a minister to raise a child!”

Monica: Amen.

Chandler: Plus I thought the baby would be in good hands with a doctor!

Monica: Uh, good hands. (she holds Chandler hands) Healing hands.

Erica: Reverend, can I ask? Does the bible say anything about adoption?

Monica: It says “Do it!”. And behold she did adopt onto them a baby. And it was good.

Erica: Wow.

Chandler: Yeah, wow.

Erica: I was wondering you both have such serious jobs. (to Monica) Would you have time to take care of a baby and your flock?

Monica: Oh, you know, my flock is good, I mean, yeah, my flock pretty much takes care of themselves at this point. Good flock. Flock, flock, flock.

Erica: (to Chandler) Being a doctor must take up a lot of time.

Chandler: No-ot for me it doesn’t.

(The agency guy enters the room)

Agency guy: So, how’s everything going in here?

Erica: We’re great, I think I may have asked all my questions.

Agency guy: Do you have any question for Erica?

Chandler: Yeah, actually. So, you read a file that you liked and you gave the agency the serial number and they contacted us?

Agency guy: Yes, our system assures total anonimity. We’re very proud of it.

Chandler: You should be. You’re really on top of stuff..

Agency guy: (to Erica) Well, then if there’s nothing else, then the two of us should talk.

Erica: Actually, I don’t think we have to.

Monica: We don’t?

Erica: Yeah, when I read about you two, I was pretty sure I wanted you, but I just thought we should meet face to face. (to the agency guy). I've made my decision. I choose them.

Monica: Oh my God, this is great! This is so great! (to Chandler, who looks bewildered). Did you hear that?

Chandler: Yeah, I did.

Monica: (to Erica) Hey, thank you. Thank you so much. (they hugs). You are SO going to Heaven!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Rachel and Phoebe walk in, loaded with bags.]

Rachel: We got some really great stuff!

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah but I am not sure about some of the bra's I got.

Rachel: Oh! Really? Do you wanna try some of them on for me?

Phoebe: Oh! okay. Wait, are we in Joey's imagination?

Rachel: (looking into one of her shopping bags) Oh no! I took one of Ross' bags by

mistake, and one of mine is missing.

Phoebe: oh, well, Ross probably has it, you can get it from him later.

[Scene: Ross walks into Central Perk, wearing a pink and white ladies shirt. Joey is on the couch]

Ross: (to Joey) So? What do you think? (Shows himself - Joey observes him with a strange look on his face.)

Joey: I think were not wearing the same shirt anymore!!

Ross: (not getting it) Yeah! Yeah! Rachel picked it out for me. She told me to trust her and you know what? I'm glad I did! I turned quite a few heads on my way over here.

Joey: (now laughing a little) Dude, I really don't think you should be wearing that.

Ross: Oh, I see, somebody is afraid of a little competition with the ladies?

Joey: (looking a little agitated now) Looks like someone IS the ladies!!

Ross: You're just jealous because you couldn't pull this off. Yeah, now if you'll excuse me (getting up and taking his coat) I have a date. (As he is walking out, everyone turns and stares at him) See? (To Joey) ALL eyes on ME!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's hotel room. They enter.]

Chandler: We are NOT signing those papers.

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: It's wrong. They made a mistake. They think we're somebody else.

Monica: God works in mysterious ways.

Chandler: You have gotta stop!

Monica: But she liked us.

Chandler: She likes Doctor Chandler and Reverend Monica.

Monica: Well, if you think about it, I am kind of like a Reverend. I mean, as a chef, I serve God, by feeing the hungry and poor. (looks very convinced about what she just said)

Chandler: Your Veal Chop is $34,95!

Monica: C'mon Chandler, I think we have been given an opportunity. I mean, the mistake has already been made. They are writing up the paper right now.

Chandler: But we are not the one she chose! How can you feel okay about this?

Monica: (very emotional) Because... We may not be who she thinks we are but no-one will ever love that baby more than us.

Chandler: I know..

Monica: I mean, who knows how long it's gonna take for someone else to give us a baby? What if, what if no one ever picks us?

Chandler: oh, honey..

Monica: (Almost crying) Please.. please, we are so close.

Chandler: Monica, I want a baby too, but this woman is giving away her child. She deserves to know who it's going to.

Monica: (realizes Chandler is right. She's almost crying) okay, right. (They hug)

Chandler: So, we'll tell the truth and who knows, maybe she'll like us for us.

Monica: (sniffing) Maybe she will. Uh! Why couldn't I have been a Reverend?

Chandler: You're Jewish.

Monica: Technicality!

[Scene: A restaurant. Joey is on his date with Phoebe’s friend, Sarah. They are sitting opposite each other on a table for two. Their waiter approaches with two plates.]

Waiter: A garden salad for the lady (sets the plate down)

Joey: Oh, that looks great! Good ordering!

Waiter: Seafood platter for the gentleman and extra fries. Enjoy!

Sarah: Mmmh, those fries look delicious.

Joey: oh, I didn't know you liked French fries. Help yourself! What's mine is yours. (Sarah reaches over and takes a few fries)

Sarah: (looks over at Joey's platter) Oh wow, are those stuffed clams?

Joey: Uuuh.. yes, they are my stuffed clams.

(Sarah, is grinning and starts to reach over to Joey's plate to take a few clams)

Joey: How about those fries though, huh? (Holds the plate between Sarah’s fingers and his plate, thus blocking her from reaching his)

Sarah: They are delicious (takes a few from the plate, puts one in her mouth and places the rest on her plate, then starts to reach over to Joey's platter again)

Joey: (Spotting her movements takes her hand into his own) You are beautiful, you know that?

Sarah: Oh, that is so sweet..

Joey: Oh (grinning, trying to hold in his impatience with her) okay.. (she takes her hand back)

(Then she reaches over again and Joey moves his plate a little to the left, and she misses, then she reaches out again, and he moves his plate to the right , so she misses again. She tries a third time and this time, Joey pushes his plate so far to the left, it drops off the edge of the table)

Joey: (Visibly annoyed) NOW look what you did!!

Sarah: What? what is the matter with you?

Joey: I don't like it when people take food off of my plate, okay?

Sarah: But you just said "What's mine is yours"?

Joey: WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN IT!

Sarah: Fine, I'm sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal.

Joey: I'm sorry, I'm overreacting. Okay, It's just when it comes to food, I have certain rules, okay, I mean (bends down and with his plate and his hands, scrapes the dropped dinner back onto the plate and puts it back on the table) There are things you do..and you now, things.. (takes something from the plate and blows it a little) that you don't do (He takes a bite from it).

(Sarah looks a little disgusted)

[Scene: Ross and his date walk into a lobby. They are both wearing their jackets]

Girl: Wow, this place looks great.

Ross: Oh! You are gonna love it! (The girl is looking in the other direction as Ross is taking off his own coat, revealing the pink and white ladies shirt) and I'm so glad, we're finally doing this.

Girl: Me too! (starts to take her coat off)

Ross: Here (gets behind her to help. When the coat comes off we see she is wearing the exact same shirt Ross is wearing. They look at each other, shocked. They abruptly put their coat back on) So this was fun! (They leave the room and head into opposite directions)

[Scene: Back at the restaurant with Joey and Sarah. Joey is holding Sarah's hands]

Joey: I really am sorry about, you know..before. I just want to make sure you know that I really do like you.

Sarah: Sure (smiling) Just not as much as clams.

Joey: (Jokingly) Well, stuffed clams.

(The waiter arrives with their deserts)

Waiter: Chocolate Torte for the lady, cheesecake for the gentleman.

Joey: Uh, excuse me sir, there seems to be some sort of red crap on my cheesecake.

Waiter: Yes, that's Raspberry coule.

Joey: (More to himself than anyone else) So stupid, ordering cheesecake, trying to

be healthy. (pushes it aside)

Sarah: (tasting hers) Oh my God! (Looks at the waiter and then to Joey)

Joey: Oh, all right, I'll just have what she's having instead.

Waiter: Oh, I'm sorry sir, that was our last piece.

Sarah: Mmmm! Mmm!

(Sarah's beeper starts bleeping)

Sarah: Oh, no! This is work. I should call in. Can you excuse me?

Joey: Oh yeah, sure. No problem.

(Joey's looking at Sarah's dessert, and takes her plate.)

Sarah: What are you doing? I thought you don't share food.

Joey: Sure I do. (holding up his own dessert) Coule?

Sarah: (laughing) No. If I can't have your clams, you can't have my dessert. This is a two way street.

Joey: (laughing) Really?

Sarah: Really! Now this all better be here when I come back. (puts her plate back at her side of the table)

Joey: Yeah, of course. I can control myself. (laughs uneasily and Sarah leaves the room)

(Joey sits sideways on his chair, looking at Sarah's chocolate torte, and then looking away from it, nervously playing with his fork, drumming with it on the table every now and then.)

Joey: (to the torte) Stop staring at me!

(He then straightens himself, and looks at the torte)

Joey: Why, just a tiny little...

(He takes a little piece of Sarah's dessert. At first he doesn't think it's that special, but then...)

Joey: Oh-oh!

TIME LAPSE

(Sarah enters the room again, and stops when she sees her dessert is missing. Joey has emptied her plate, and has a chocolate covered mouth, just like a kid.)

Joey: I'm not even sorry.

[Scene: The Adoption Agency in Ohio. Monica and Chandler are entering.]

Erica: Hi!

Adoption Agency guy: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Agency guy: So, these are the preliminary forms for an open adoption. There's a lot to go over, but I'll explain everything as we go through it.

Monica: (pointing to a picture on the table) I-Is... Is that a picture?

Erica: Yeah. It's a sonogram they took of the baby last week. I thought you might want to see it. (gives it to Monica, who looks at it for a long time, and then shows it to Chandler)

Monica: Look, doctor!

(Chandler takes Monica's hand, and gets serious) Look, before we sign anything we really have to talk...(pause) We're not who you think we are.

Agency guy: I don't understand.

Chandler: The agency must have made some mistake. My wife is not a reverend and I'm not a doctor.

Erica: What?

Agency guy: That's impossible.

Chandler: I could perform an operation on you and prove it if you'd like.

Agency guy: I'll go check your file. Excuse me.

Erica: So who are you?

Chandler: Well, our names really are Monica and Chandler. We're from New York.

Monica: Yeah, but the important thing to know about us, is how much we would care for this little baby. (holds up the sonogram)

Erica: So you lied to me before?

Monica: Well, we... (makes quotation signs in the air) "bore false witness"... See I could be a reverend.

Erica: I can't believe this.

Monica: But we were hoping that since we told you the truth that you still might consider...

Erica: Giving you my baby? You think I'd give you my child after this?

Monica: Well, you don't have to decide right now, but if you could just look at our file...

Erica: I don't want to look at your file! This is over.

(She leaves the room, but Chandler runs after her. They meet in the hallway.)

Chandler: Erica wait!

Erica: I've nothing to say to you. (walks a few paces)

Chandler: You have every reason to be upset. We did lie. But only because we've been waiting and trying to have a baby for so long. Now we don't know how long it's gonna be before we can get another chance again.

Erica: Why don't you ask the reverend to pray on it?

Chandler: Erica, please. Just consider us. Ask them to see our file. Our last name's Bing. My wife's a chef and I'm in advertising.

Erica: Oh yeah. I actually liked you guys. But it doesn't matter, because what you did was wrong. (walks away again, but Chandler catches up with her again)

Chandler: But you did like us. And you should. My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... It kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please?

(They look at each other. We switch back to Monica. Chandler opens the door and she turns to look at him.)

Chandler: You still want that baby?

(Monica plays those words back in her mind and then smiles and runs to Chandler, who is twisting with joy. They hug.)

Monica: God bless you Chandler Bing!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey's on the couch when Ross walks to him, with his jacket closed.]

Ross: Turns out this sweater is made for a woman.

Joey: (nods) So, why are you still wearing it?

Ross: Because it's soft... Hey, so how was your date?

Joey: Ooh... Not so good.

Ross: Well, looks like it's just the two of us tonight, huh old buddy?

Joey: Yeah, and you know what? We could do a lot worse.

(they shake hands the way friends would. There's a muffin on the table, and Ross breaks off a piece and wants to put it in his mouth.)

Joey: (shouting to Ross) JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!

(Ross puts the piece back on the plate)

end

Friends

1010 - The One Where Chandler Gets Caught

Written by: Doty Abrams

Produced by: Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

Flashback clips transcribed by: Guineapig, Dan Silverstein, Ruth Curran, Eric Aasen and Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and compiled by Eleonora.

Final check by Kim

[Scene: Central Perk. Everybody's sitting on the couch and Monica is eating a chunk of cake.]

Monica: (really excited) Mmh... this cake is amazing!

Rachel: My God, get a room!

Monica: I would get a room with this cake. I think I could show this cake a good time!

Phoebe: If you had to, what would you give up, food or sex?

Monica: (with no hesitation) Sex!

Chandler: (looking at her) Seriously, answer faster!

Monica: Oh, I'm sorry honey, you know, but when she said "sex" I wasn't thinking about "sex with you"!

Chandler: (to Phoebe) It's like a giant hug.

Phoebe: Ross, how about you. What would you give up, sex or food?

Ross: Food.

Phoebe: Ok, how about... uhm... sex or dinosaurs?

Ross: Oh my God. It's like Sophie's Choice.

Rachel: Oh God. What about you, Joe? What would you give up, sex or food?

Joey: Uhm... oh... I don't know, it's too hard.

Rachel: No, you gotta pick one!

Joey: Oh... food. No, sex. Food! Sex! Food! Se-I don't know! Good God, I don't know, I want girls on bread!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are looking at some photos and they're sitting next to the window.]

Rachel: You gotta see these latest pictures of Emma.

Phoebe: Oh, how cute!

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Oh, she looks just like a little doll!

Rachel: Oh, no, no. That is a doll.

Phoebe: Oh, thank God, 'cause that thing's really creepy! (looking outside the window) Look, there's Chandler. (he's on the street, talking to a woman)

Rachel: Oh. Who is the blonde, she's pretty.

Phoebe: OH! He's having an affair.

Rachel: He's not having an affair!

Phoebe: You know, I'm always right about these things.

Rachel: No, you're not! Last week you thought Ross was trying to kill you!

Phoebe: Well, I'm sorry but it's hard to believe that anyone would tell a story that dull just to tell it! (looking outside) See, there's something going on with them. Look, he's getting into the car with her!

Rachel: Oh, that doesn't mean anything.

Phoebe: Oh yeah? Well, let's see. (she takes her mobile phone) Ok, duck down. (they both get down to hide themselves. Phoebe calls Chandler)

Chandler: (picking up the phone) Hello.

Phoebe: Oh, hi Chandler. It's Phoebe. Uhm... I know that Monica is working today so...(back to Central Perk) ...I was wondering if you want to come to the movies with me and Rachel.

Chandler: Oh, uhm... I have to work too. Yeah, I'm stuck at the office all day.

Phoebe: (shocked) Oh, well, it's a shame that you-that you miss the movie 'cause we were gonna see, you know, either "Liar, Liar" or "Betrayal", or... "An Affair To Remember".

Chandler: Those are all really old!

Phoebe: Ok, then maybe it'll be, uhm...

Rachel: (whispering) "Dude, Where's My Car?"

Phoebe: (glancing at her) What?

Rachel: They're in a caaar...

Phoebe: (to Chandler at the phone) Okay, we-we'll talk to you later. Okay, bye.

Rachel: Geez!

Phoebe: Ok. Quick. We gotta find a cab and follow them.

Rachel: Oh, yeah, ok. Let me just grab my night vision goggles and my stun gun.

Phoebe: (patting her bag) I got them!

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Chandler enters the door.]

Chandler: Hi!

Monica: Hey! You smell like perfume and cigarettes.

Chandler: I was in the car with Nancy all day.

Monica: Nancy doesn’t smoke!

Chandler: Well, at least the perfume is not mine, be thankful for that!

Monica: So? What do you think of the house?

Chandler: It’s perfect. It’s everything we’ve been looking for.

Monica: Isn’t it? Then what about the amazing wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?

Chandler: And the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps? (pause) What were the things you said?

Monica: Don’t you love the huge yard?

Chandler: And the fireplace in the bedroom.

Monica: And Nancy said that it's really under price, because the guy lost his job and has to move in with his parents!

Chandler: This is bringing out a lovely color in you!

Monica: So? Do you think we should get it?

Chandler: I don’t know. What do you think?

Monica: I think we should.

Chandler: I do too.

Monica: This is huge!

Chandler: I know.

Monica: How bad you wanna smoke, right now.

Chandler: I don’t know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy’s car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day.

Monica: Gotcha. When do we tell them about this?

Chandler: We don’t. Not until it's a hundred percent. I mean, why upset everybody over nothing.

Monica: Okay. Right. Oh my God that is gonna be so hard.

Chandler: I know. Gooooood luck with it.

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Everybody except Monica and Chandler is there.]

Ross: I just can’t see Chandler cheating!

Rachel: I’m telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester, the went in for like forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty happy!

Joey: Chandler? Forty-five minutes? Well, something is not right. I just can’t believe he would do this to Monica!

Ross: I know, and with the baby coming?

Phoebe: So, should we tell her?

Ross: I don’t know. Phoebe, if one of us saw Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you?

Phoebe: Why? Who’d you seen him with?

Ross: No one, I’m just saying if... (Phoebe starts pinching him in his neck)

Phoebe: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!

Ross: (yelling in pain) I know nothing! Mike’s a great guy, it was hypothetical!

Phoebe: All right. (she releases him). He is a good guy. You’re right, he wouldn’t cheat.

Ross: Believe me, if I did see with someone, there’s no way I... (Phoebe starts pinching him again)

Phoebe : WHO DID YOU SEE HIM WITH?

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Monica is cleaning with a vacuum and then she cleans it with a dust buster. The guys enter the room.]

Rachel: Oh, look at her, so happy!

Monica: If only there were a smaller one to clean this one!

Joey: Hey, is uhm... is Chandler here?

Monica: No, he’s picking up dinner, why, what’s up?

Phoebe: Well, look, whatever happens, we’re here for you and we love you.

Monica (puzzled): All right...

Ross: We think Chandler might be having an affair.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.

Phoebe: They went in together. So sorry.

Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God that’s awful! What did you think of the house?

(they all look confused and sorry for her)

Phoebe: What?

Joey: (walking towards her to hold her and support her) Monica, you understand what we are saying, right?

Monica: Yeah, sure... uhm, I'm devastated, obviously... (to the rest) Did you think the neighborhood was homey? (Chandler enters)

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: (to Chandler) You son of a bitch!

Chandler: Is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill around here?

Monica: (goes to Chandler) Phoebe and Rachel saw you with Nancy today and... em... they think you're having an affair.

Rachel: Who's Nancy?

Ross: What's going on?

Monica: (turns to them) Ok, alright, you guys, you'd better sit down, this is pretty big.

Chandler: Yeah (motions them to sit and they do) I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor.

Joey: I knew he couldn't be with a woman for 45 minutes!!

Phoebe: Why do you have a realtor?

Monica: Uhm, she has been showing us houses outside of the city.

Joey: (clearly shocked) What?

Rachel: Are you serious?

Monica: When we found out that we're gonna get this baby, Chandler and I started talking and we decided that we didn't want to raise a kid in the city.

Phoebe: So you're gonna move?

Ross: Oh my God.

Joey: Shouldn't we all vote on stuff like this?!

Rachel: What is wrong with raising a kid in the city? I'm doing it, Ross is doing it, Sarah Jessica Parker is doing it!

Monica: And that's great for you guys, but we want a lawn and a swingset...

Chandler: ...and a street where our kids can ride their bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by.

Ross: (sarcastic) So you wanna buy a house in the 50's?

Phoebe: Have you thought about what you would be giving up? You can't move out of the city, what if you want Chinese food at 5am? Or a fake Rolex that breaks as soon as it rains or an Asian hooker sent right to your door?

Ross: You know what, if you wanna look for a house, that's okay.

Joey: No, no, it's not, don't listen to him! (to Ross) I'm gonna thump you! (points his fist at him)

Ross: (to Joey) It's ok, because they have to get it out of their system, okay (back to Mon and Chan), but you're going to realize, this is the only place, you wanna be.

(pause before Monica and Chandler speak, they look like they are looking for the right words)

Chandler: Actually, we already found a house we love.

Ross: What?

Monica: And about an hour ago, we made an offer.

(All the friends looked shocked and confused. There is a long silence.)

Chandler: Bet you wish I was having an affair now, huh?

TIME LAPSE

Ross: You put an offer on a house?

Monica: (smiling) It's so sweet. It really is. It has this big yard that leads down to this stream and then there's these old maple trees... (gets cut off)

Phoebe: Wha..? Again with the nature, what are you? Beavers?

Chandler: I know this is really hard and we're really sorry.

Joey: Is this because I come over here without knocking and eat your food? (Walks towards the fridge) Because I can stop doing that, (looks at the fridge) I really, really think I can!

Chandler: (goes towards Joey) You know that's not the reason Joe. (Joey hugs him and after, he takes something from the fridge and puts it in his mouth. He goes back to where he was standing before)

Monica: We think if you saw it, you'd understand. I mean you guys were there. (Points to Rachel and Phoebe) It is beautiful, isn't it?

Rachel: Yeah it is.

Joey: What the hell are you doin'?

Rachel: Well, it is, all right? When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was: I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but MAN this would be a nice place to live!

Phoebe: Yeah, but so is this.

Ross: Yeah, I mean, if you moved there, you have to leave here. I mean, how can you leave this place?

[We fade to some flashback scenes.]

(from 1.01 - "The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate - The Pilot")

Rachel: (talking on the phone) C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.

Rachel: Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...

(from 1.18 - "The One With All the Poker")

Ross: That money is mine, Green!

Rachel: You're fly is open, Geller!

Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?

Chandler: Hey, that's...'joincidence' with a 'C'!

(from 1.07 - "The One With The Blackout")

Phoebe: [looking outside the window] Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.

[They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.]

Rachel: Ow, that had to hurt!

(from 3.09 - "The One With All the Football")

Phoebe: Hey, it’s your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help.

The Guys: We will. (they don’t move)

Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles.

Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this.

(Rachel sticks a marshmallow into Monica’s nose. Monica takes it out of her nose by closing one nostril, and blowing.)

Monica: Every year.

(from 5.08 - "The One With the Thanksgiving Flashbacks")

Joey: (he has a turkey on his head) It's stuck!!!

Phoebe: (walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step. How did it get on?

Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out!

Joey: It smells really bad in here.

Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head inside a turkey's ass!

(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)

Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey bast-Oh my God! Oh my God! (She sees someone is stuck in the turkey.) Who is that?

Joey: It's Joey.

(from 4.12 - "The one With the Embryos")

Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?

Rachel: Oooohh that’s interesting.

Chandler: If you win, we give up the birds.

Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)

Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment.

Joey: Oooooh!

Monica: Deal!

TIME LAPSE

Ross: What was Monica’s nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?

Joey: Big fat goalie.

Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie…

Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.

Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...

Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s.

Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?

(They both confer)

Joey: Everyday use.

Chandler: Fancy.

Joey: Guest.

Chandler: Fancy guest.

Ross: Two seconds...

Joey: Uhh, 11!

Ross: 11, unbelievable, 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.)

Ross: (to the girls) Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl’s breast?

Rachel: 14?

Ross: No, 19.

Chandler: Thanks man.

Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?

Monica: Maurice.

Ross: Correct, his profession was?

Rachel: Space cowboy!

Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job?

(The girls are stumped)

Rachel: Ow...Oh Gosh!

Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.

Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding.

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster!

Monica: That’s not even a word!

(Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.)

Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

TIME LAPSE

(The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph)

Rachel: Y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!

Joey: Hey, don’t get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes!

Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me!

Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn’t gotten the question wrong!

Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question!

Ross: Don’t blame the questions!

Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!

(from 5.15 - "The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey")

Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!

Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window)

Monica: (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?

(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)

Ross: What the hell are doing?!!

Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?!

Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.

Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there!

Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!

Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.

Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but iit-t's true, I love him too.

(There's a brief pause.)

Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.)

(from 6.06 - "The One On The Last Night")

Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I’m just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?"

Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.

Phoebe: Ok, you guys, I don’t mean to make things worse, but umm, I don’t want to live with Rachel anymore.

Monica and Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: You’re just so mean to each other! And I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you!

Rachel: Well, Phoebe that’s fine because I’m not moving.

Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y’know, I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y’know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate. She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she’ll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I’d like.

Phoebe: What else?

Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror.

Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that.

Phoebe: That’s nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.

Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket.

Rachel: Well y’know, I don’t want you to be cold.

Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They both break down in tears.)

TIME LAPSE

(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s old and now empty room.)

Chandler: (entering) Hey.

Monica: She really left.

Chandler: I know. (He kisses her.)

Monica: Thank you.

Chandler: No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)

Monica: Can I ask you a question?

Chandler: Sure!

Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! (She notices the dog sitting in the living room.)

(from 1.09 - "The One Where Underdog Gets Away")

Chandler: Little toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.

All: That's so sweet.

Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.

Rachel: And a crappy New Year.

Chandler: Here, here!

[Scene: We're back to the present. Chandler and Monica's. They're all still at the kitchen table.]

Rachel: You can't move. You just... you just can't.

Joey: Rachel's right. This is where you guys belong.

Phoebe: Yeah, you don't wanna live in Westchester. That's like the worst of the Chesters.

Ross: You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here and you guys... are just having dinner or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good. (Joey pats Ross on his back)

Rachel: Yeah. So don't move, okay? Just stay here and... (nods towards Ross) maybe close your blinds at night.

(The phone rings and Chandler goes to get it)

Chandler: Hello? It's Nancy, they responded to our offer.

Monica: And?

(Chandler listens to what Nancy says)

Chandler: (to Nancy) Okay, thanks... (to Monica) They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price.

Monica: We can't afford that.

Chandler: I know.

Monica: Well, there you go.

(Chandler and Monica hug)

Joey: I'm really sorry you guys.

Ross: Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'm even more sorry that that phone call didn't come before I told you about looking through the window.

Rachel: Yeah, we're gonna let you be alone.

Phoebe: (to Monica) You're gonna be okay?

Monica: Yeah, we'll be okay.

Ross: Love you guys. (he kisses Monica, he, Rachel and Phoebe leave.)

Joey: You know, I'm really sorry I wasn't more supportive before.

Chandler: That's okay, we understand.

Joey: And about this Nancy thing... If you're not sleeping with her, should I?

(Chandler gives Joey her business card, which he eagerly grabs and he leaves.)

Monica: I know there'll be other houses, but it's just so... I love that one so much.

Chandler: Yeah... Well, it's a good thing we got it then.

Monica: What?

Chandler: We got the house.

Monica: Oh my God!

Chandler: I just didn't want to tell you in front of them.

Monica: Oh my God! My God! We've got the house !?

Chandler: We're getting the house. (they hug) We're getting the house.

Monica: And a baby...

Chandler: We're growing up.

Monica: We sure are.

Chandler: So who's gonna tell them?

Monica: (quickly) Not it!

Chandler: Not it! Damn it!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Central Perk. The entire gang is there, and Chandler and Monica are handing out presents.]

Monica: Rachel, this is yours.

Rachel: Aah! Why? What are these for?

Chandler: You'll see.

Monica: All right, everybody open them!

(they all tear off the wrapping paper)

Rachel: Ooh! Oh wow this is so beautiful. (she got a scarf)

Phoebe: Oh! These are the ones I was looking at in the store. (she got earrings)

Monica: I know.

Ross: I love this. (he got a sweater)

Joey: A meatball Sub? Thanks! (he got a meatball sandwich)

Ross: Seriously you guys, what's going on? What are these for?

Chandler: Well, I didn't know how to tell you before, but... We got the house.

Monica: Enjoy!

(they both run off, leaving Ross, Phoebe and Rachel stunned.)

Joey: (speaking with his mouth full, enjoying his sandwich) What did they say?

THE END

Friends

1011 - The One Where The Stripper Cries

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

Final check by Kim

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch. Monica and Joey enter.]

Joey: Hey guys!

Monica: Hey, let me tell them!

Joey: Sure.

Monica: Joey is gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show!

Phoebe: Great!

Ross: Really? Which one?

Monica: (stopping Joey from answering) Ohh! Fish, seaweed, a sunken ship.

Ross: Things you find in the ocean, (to Joey) You're gonna be on "Pyramid"!!

Monica: Oh, that was our favourite game show ever!

Ross: Except for "Match game"...

Monica: Or "Win, Lose or Draw".

Chandler: What did I marry into?

Joey: Would you guys want to come down tomorrow and watch me tape the show?

Monica: Oh, I can't. We're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party.

Phoebe: Yeah, sorry boys, this ride's closing.

Ross: Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing. I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond.

Joey: Seriously?

Ross: (very excited) Yeah-uh!

Monica: Ross and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie.

Chandler: You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler!

Monica: Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends.

Rachel: Oh God, that's right. I blocked that out.

Monica: (singing) "I'm a little bit country"...

Ross: (singing) "...and I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll"!

Chandler: (to Monica) I'm leaving you.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross and Chandler enter.]

Ross: So weird to see all these people again... Oh my God, look, there's Geoffrey Cleric.

Chandler: Who?

Ross: He was roommates with John Rosoff. He went out with Andrea Tamburino. She dumped him for Michael Skloff.

Chandler: (looking around) Did I go to this school?

Ross: Hey, there's Missy Goldberg. You gotta remember her.

Chandler: (looks over at her) Sure, nice.

Ross: Dude. You're married to my sister.

Chandler: You're right, by saying "nice" I'm virtually licking her.

Ross: Hey, I hear she's single again, d'you think I should ask her out?

Chandler: Are you asking permission to break the pact?

Ross: Yes please.

[Flashback, year 1987. Chandler enters the school's corridor. Ross is hanging some flyers on the wall. Both have a funny 80s hair and clothes.]

Ross: Hey. Hey, check out the flyers for the band. I made 'em on a Macintosh in the computer room!

Chandler: Awesome, the name really stands out.

Ross: Thanks to a little something called "Helvetica Bold 24 point"!

Chandler: Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union!

Missy: Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Hey, Missy...

Chandler: You know, our band is playing on Friday.

Ross: Yeah, yeah. You should come check us out. We're called "Way! No Way!".

Missy: No way!

Chandler and Ross: Way!

Missy: Right. I'll be there. (she leaves)

Chandler: Fresh!

Ross: Boss!

Chandler: Mint!

Ross: She's gone.

Chandler: I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out.

Ross: Dude, I was gonna ask her out.

Chandler: I said it first, bro.

Ross: Well, I thought it first, Holmes.

Chandler: (angrily) Look, if you did...

Ross: Woha! Wait... What are we doing? What we have is too important to mess it up over some girl. I mean, we can get laid anytime we want.

Chandler: Totally. I had sex in High school...

Ross: Me too. I'm good at it.

Chandler: All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg.

Ross: You got it.

Chandler: All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with.

Ross: Those are the pacts!

Chandler: Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway.

Ross: Oh, oh... maybe not you!

[We get back to the Class of '91 reunion, where Ross and Chandler are still looking at Missy.]

Chandler: Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact.

Ross: Thank you. (they shake hands) All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college?

Chandler: Your hands are shaking.

Ross: I know, and I can't stop sweating. (he walks towards Missy)

[Scene: The "Pyramid" Studio.]

Voice: Five! Four! Three! Applause!

Donny Osmond: Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! (Joey's amazed at the place and he keeps looking around till he realizes the audience is applauding him)

Joey: (to Gene) I know it could be intimidating for regular people to be around celebrities but... relax, I'm just like you! (pause) Only better looking and richer.

Donny: ...should be playing with the star of "General Hospital" Leslie Charleson. (applause) Welcome everybody. Good luck to all of you. Let's play Pyramid. All right? Now... we flipped a coin before the show, Gene, you won the toss, so you're gonna start. Which category would you like?

Gene: I'll take "You crossed the line".

Donny: You crossed the line. Joey, describe for Gene these things that have lines. Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. Ready, go!

Joey: (on the screen there's the word "Supermarket") Uhm... ok. It's a store, like a supermarket. (there is a sound indicating he made a mistake as he shouldn't have said 'supermarket'. The next word appears, "notebook") Oh! I see-I see what I did. Yeah, ok, ok, uhm... I'm writing in my...

Gene: Diary.

Joey: Noo, (whispering) more like a notebook... Damn it! (next word appears: "blueprint") Oh, if I'm building an house, the plan isn't called the 'shmoo-print'... Can't say that either? Woha... hey... (the last word is "Football field" and there are 5 seconds left) In high school, I once had sex with a girl right in the middle of the...

Gene: Cafeteria.

Joey: Yeah! But that is not what they're looking for. (time's finished) OOOH!

[Scene: Monica's apartment, where Phoebe's bachelorette party is taking place.]

Phoebe: (to Rachel) Thank you so much for this.

Rachel: Oh, d'you like it?

Phoebe: Oh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about.

Rachel: Pheebs, I... there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that.

Phoebe: Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. (she drinks her tea) Hmmmm... raunchy!

Rachel: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party.

Phoebe: Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of ones in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea?

Rachel: Nooo! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pee's!

[Scene: Joey's at the game show "Pyramid" with host Donny Osmond.]

Donny: Now Gene I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game, all right? Describe for Joey things you find in your refrigerator.

Joey: Ahaha, he might as well just give us the points.

Donny: Give me twenty seconds on the clock. Ready? Go!

(the first word is cream)

Gene: You put this in your coffee.

Joey: A spoon. Your hands. Your face!

Gene: It's white!

Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost!

Gene: It's heavier then milk!

Joey: A rock, a dog, the earth.

Gene: Pass!

(the second word is mayonnaise)

Gene: You put this on a sandwich.

Joey: Salami, anchovies, jam!

Gene: It's white!

Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost!

Gene: It's made from eggs!

Joey: Chickens?

Gene: Pass!

Joey: Oh!

(The third word is ketchup)

Gene: You put this on a hamburger!

Joey: Ketchup!

Gene: Yes!

(The fourth word is soda)

Joey: Relish!

Gene: Stop!

Joey: Oh.

Donny: Oh, time's up! Joey! You were, uh, almost on a roll there...

Joey: Yeah...

Donny: Uh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. But right now Henrietta you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, don't go away.

Stage Manager : And we're out!

Joey: Oh, so we didn't win, but it's fun to play the game, right?

Gene: Hey! I got a kid starting college. I've to get surgery on my knee, you just lost me ten grand!

Joey: Oh, wow! I'm so sorry, ok? I promise, we'll do better next time!

Gene: Well, I will, because I won't be playing with you.

Joey: Hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard! Like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? (pause). Yeah!

[Scene: College reunion party. Ross is talking to Missy.]

Ross: So, Saturday night!

Missy: I'd love to!

Ross: Great!

Missy: So how come it took you so long to ask me out?

Ross: Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing?

Missy: Sure, he was in your "band"? (she air quotes band)

Ross: It's been sixteen years but the air quotes still hurt.

Missy: Sorry.

Ross: That's ok. Uh, anyway, well he and I both really liked you a lot, uhm, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda made a pact, that neither of us could ask you out!

Missy: Really?

Ross: Yeah, why?

Missy: Well, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot!

Ross: You did?

Missy: Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours!

Ross: (angrily) AND ON MY TURF?

[Scene: Monica's apartment. The bachelorette party.]

Monica: (to Rachel) Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour!

Rachel: Well, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could!

(someone knocks at the door)

Monica: Who is it?

Man: It's the police!

Rachel: (pretends to be shocked) Uh! The police!

Phoebe: (Excited, running back to her seat) Oh!

Man: That's right, it's officer Goodbody.

Monica: What's the matter, officer? Has someone been bad? (looks over to Phoebe and she opens the door, and to their dismay, the stripper is an old, short, fat guy who looks exhausted)

Roy, the male stripper: (coughs) Whoo, that's a lot of stairs!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Roy: Ooh, boy. You should warn people there's no elevator! I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch.

Monica: Are you gonna be ok, officer, uhm,...

Roy: Goodbody!

Monica: ...If-you-say-so.

Roy: So where's the young lady who I'm supposed to take (he shakes his hips) downtown! (Monica points Phoebe)

Phoebe: Oh, God!

Roy: All right, somebody show me where to plug in my box, and we'll get this party started! (he thrusts his pelvis towards Phoebe) Whaaaa... (walks back to plug in his cd player) Here? All right.

Phoebe: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah?

Phoebe: Are you kidding?

Rachel: All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find!

Phoebe: How old is your phonebook?

Monica: Oh my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment!

Phoebe: Oh God no, I don't wanna see him take his clothes off!

Roy: Are you talking about me?

Monica: Oh, no! I mean, obviously we want to see you take your clothes off! You big piece of eye candy!

Roy: Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? (pause) Did someone call for the long arm of the law? (He extends his arm from around his crotch and then upward and outward, towards Phoebe) I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! (Puts his hands over his crotch) I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing!

(he uses his remote to turn on the music, "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell, and starts dancing for Phoebe. He shakes his butt, moves his shoulders back, grabs his crotch and hops towards Phoebe. Phoebe is half horrified and half scared. He takes his hat off and throws it away, does some "Can Can" high kicks and swings his butt in front of Phoebe who looks at it in disgust. Then he tears open his shirt and shows her his chest and she flinches.)

Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa (he turn off the music). She cringed!

Phoebe: This is how I look when I'm turned on!

Roy: You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? (goes to get it) Look, I've been in this business for a long time!

Phoebe: Shocking!

Roy: Now if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, I'll be on my way!

Phoebe: Three hundred dollars, are you kidding?

Rachel: No, that's ok, let's me just get my check book!

Phoebe: No, you're not gonna pay him, he didn't do anything!

Roy: Didn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken. I climbed ... I dunno... like a billion stairs... It's not like I can take them two at a time!

Phoebe: I don't care. We're not paying you 300 dollars for this.

Roy: Well, look - it's not my fault if you're too uptight to appreciate the male form in all it's glory.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, okay. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child halloween costume! (turns to look at Monica and Rachel who look like they feel very sorry for the stripper)

Roy: I may have borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, what's underneath (points at his groin)... is all man.

Phoebe: I'm sorry, did you say all man or old man?

Roy: (making a crying face) Oh, you're mean!

Monica: (walks towards Phoebe and the stripper) Uh, look, officer... uhm Sir...

Roy: Damnit. OH! (To Phoebe) Big surprise! The hunk of beef has feelings!

[Scene: At Pyramid. Joey is with the woman now.]

Donny: Ok Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Joey: (To Henrietta) My friend Rachel has a kid. I totally know nursery rhymes! (makes a thumbs up sign)

Donny: Joey describe these things associated with the United States congress. (Joey goes form looking very confident to looking very shocked the instant the word congress is said) Give me 20 seconds on the clock please. Ready? Go!

(Camera goes to Joey. The clock is at 20 sec. The word "Legislature" appears. He looks at it blank faced and his eyes shift between Henrietta and his screen)

Joey: Oh, .. uh... uh... pass. (Next word: "Rotunda") Pass. (Next word: "Filibuster" stares at it a moment) Pass. (Henrietta is looking very confused) (Next word: "Addendum" 4 seconds remaining) Okay, the little thing that hangs down at the back of your throat.

Henrietta: Uvula!

Joey: Oh, then pass. (Next word: "Joint session", but time's up, Joey acts very disappointed)

Donny: O-kay... Henrietta, you didn't get all the points you needed, so that means Gene, you are going to the winners circle to try for ten thousand dollars! (Gene is clapping his hands looking very happy and so is Joey) And you're gonna be going there with Joey Tribbiani (Both of their smiles fade away instantly)

[Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross is walking angrily towards Chandler, who is talking to two other guys.]

Ross: (To Chandler) You made out with Missy Goldberg. How could you do that, after you promised me?

(Chandler looks at the other two guys, embarrassed)

Chandler: (to the two guys) Excuse me. (Chandler and Ross move away from them). That didn't make us sound gay at all!

Ross: You broke the pact!

Chandler: Ross, that was 16 years ago!

Ross: That doesn't matter! We're talking about the foundation of our friendship.

Chandler: I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. (Ross just stares at him) All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts.

Ross: I didn't.

Chandler: Oh really?

Ross: No.

Chandler: Oh really!?

Ross: NO!

Chandler: ADRIENNE TURNER!! (A girl behind them turns around)

Adrienne: Yes?

Chandler and Ross: Hey! Hey Adrienne. (They move away from her)

Ross: I never did anything with Adrienne Turner.

Chandler: Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her.

Ross: I don't know what... you're talking about.

Chandler: Really?

[Flashback scene: 80's College party.]

Present Chandler's voice: Remember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors.

(An 80's Rachel and fat Monica walk into the party room. Both with funny hair-do's and clothes)

Monica: I can't believe we are at a real college party! (Rachel laughs excitedly) I have to pee so bad!

Rachel: This is so awesome! College guys are so cute!

Monica: Hey, you've got a boyfriend!

Rachel: I know. But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let them! (They spot Chandler)

Monica: Look, there's Chandler. You knew, that stupid friend of Ross'. Said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds!

Rachel: It... You can so totally tell.

Monica: I KNOW!

Rachel: Well lets see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. (They walk towards Chandler) Hey, how's it going (tries to look as un-interested in him as possible - checking out her nails).

Chandler: Aren't you...?

Rachel: Yeah, Rachel. And this (points to Monica) is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. (looks around the room as if searching for something more interesting to do).

Chandler: (smiling at Monica) Right. (to Rachel) So how're you doing?

Rachel: Bitchin'

Chandler: Hi Monica.

Monica: Hi Chandler. It's really nice to see you (rolls her eyes) NOT. (she and Rachel giggle a little and Chandler looks unimpressed)

Chandler: O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. (Goes off to find Ross.)

Monica: Oh my God Rach. Bean bag chairs.

Rachel: Oh.

Monica: Do NOT let me sit in one of those. We'll be here for days.

(Cut to Chandler. He's walking around looking for Ross. He sees him kissing a girl next to a vending machine)

Ross: Listen Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this.

Adrienne: Oh believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this.

Ross: Cool! (They start kissing again and Chandler looks shocked)

[Scene: We cut back to the present. The reunion where Chandler and Ross are talking.]

Ross: I didn't know you knew about that.

Chandler: Well, I did and it hurt. (they walk towards the bar) That's when I wrote the song: "Betrayal In The Common Room".

Ross: (looks disappointed in himself) Man... I... I'm sorry.

Chandler: Look (hands him a drink) it was a lo-o-ong time ago.

Ross: So, eh. I made out with Adrienne and you made out with Missy. Well I guess we're even.

Chandler: (smiling a little nervously) Hmm mmmhm..

Ross: We are even, right?

Chandler: (sighs) Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody?

Ross: (thinks about it for a few seconds) What did you do to my mom?

Chandler: Not her!

[Flashback scene: We cut back to the 80's party. Rachel and Monica are "dancing".]

Rachel: I am sooo drunk.

Monica: That's weird. I've had the same number of beers as you and I don't feel anything at all. (Chandler approaches)

Chandler: Soo... you girls having fun?

Monica: For your information, ass munch, I've lost four pounds. Maybe even five with all the dancing. (A guy enters holding a pizza box)

Pizza guy: SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA?

Monica: Oh THATS ME! (she runs to the pizza guy)

Rachel: (finishing the last of her drink) I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow.

Chandler: Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh yeah. There is a plan! Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now?

Chandler: Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship.

Rachel: (blushing) Oh, what a line. (walks towards the drinks table with her back towards Chandler and whispers "Oh my God!")

Chandler: So where are you applying to?

Rachel: Oh well, You know, I think it's kinda really important that I go somewhere where there's sun, so I'm sort of... (Chandler leans in an kisses her) (She pulls away) Hey!

Chandler: I'm in college and I'm in a band.

Rachel: (She considers it for a second) Yeah okay. (She puts her hands around his neck and they start kissing again)

[Scene: Monica's apartment. The stripper is sitting at the kitchen table. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are standing around him]

Roy: What's the matter? You never saw a 50 year old stripper cry before?

Phoebe: You know, it's fine. We'll pay you.

Roy: No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding? I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago. What am I gonna do? I mean, this has been my life for thirty two years. Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know.

Rachel: No, wait. No there's gotta be something else that you can do. I mean, what skills do you have?

Roy: I don't know... I can make my pecs dance... I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks... I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame.

Rachel: So maybe something in an office.

Phoebe: Or you could teach stripping. You know, share your gift, pass the torch.

Roy: You know, actually that's not a bad idea. I can do it out of my apartment. I don't think my mom would mind.

Phoebe: There you go. Okay, do you think you're gonna be okay?

Roy: Yeah, yeah, yeah... This is so weird. I mean, you never know when it's gonna be your last dance. And I didn't even get a chance to finish it.

Phoebe: (after a pause) Finish it!

Roy: What?

Phoebe: Your last dance. Do it for us.

Roy: Really?

Rachel: (to Phoebe) Really?

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. He deserves to do the thing he loves one last time.

Roy: Okay, all right... Get ready ladies!

(they sit down and Roy plays "You Make Me Feel" by Sylvester on his boom box, and starts... With his back towards the girls, he starts waving his hands, then backs towards the girls slapping his butt, then swings it around, and makes thrusting pelvic movements in front of Phoebe. He dances around the tables in between all the girls, and gets back into the kitchen part of the room. He then tears off one of his sleeves and throws it towards Monica and Rachel, who fight over who gets it. He then tears off his other sleeve and moves it back and forth between his legs, getting closer to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh this is so ho-o-ot!

(Roy then sits on Phoebe's lap, looking exhausted)

Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, don't stop!

Roy: (out of breath) Have to...

[Scene: The game show studio. Joey and Gene are sitting in the winner circle.]

Donny: Well, welcome to the Winner Circle. Joey and Gene, you guys ready?

Joey: (nervously) Yeah...

Gene: (irritable) Sure. (Joey gets even more nervous)

Donny: Okay. Give me sixty seconds on the clock please... Ready, GO! (runs off)

(the screen says "6 to win" and "types of trees")

Gene: Oak, maple, elm, birch...

Joey: I-I-I don't know. Types of trees?

(Joey hears the bell which means his answer is correct and is surprised. The screen now says "5 to win" and "Spanish words")

Gene: Uhm... Buenos días, enchilada, por favor...

Joey: (sympathetic) Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know any Spanish words.

(There's the next bell, and the correct answer. The screen changes to "4 to win" and "things that burn". Gene now realizes that he got two correct answers and gets up in his seat.)

Gene: A match, a candle...

Joey: Things that go "tssst" when you put them out.

Gene: A torch, a bonfire... (Joey seems lost) uhm, your pee...

Joey: Things that burn.

(and another bell for the correct answer. "3 to win" and "What a dog might say")

Gene: "I'd like to go for a walk", uhm "scratch my belly".

Joey: Dude, dude! I think you're losing it.

Gene: Uhm, "I have fur", "I like to bark".

Joey: Oh, oh, oh... What a dog says.

(the bell sounds again, "2 to win" and "pizza toppings")

Gene: Pepperoni...

Joey: (instantly) Pizza toppings, next!

(there's 10 seconds left, "1 to win" and "Supermodels")

Gene: Cindy Crawford, Christie Brinkley, Heidi Klum, Claudia Schiffer...

Joey: Oh, oh, oh... (5 seconds left)

Gene: Christie Turlington, Kate Moss...

Joey: Girls Chandler could never get?

Gene: (irritated) Supermodels!

Joey: Where? (looking around)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Monica's there and Ross and Chandler walk in.]

Ross: Hey, where's Rachel?

Monica: She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital.

Ross: Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel?

Monica: What? When was this?

Ross: Nineteen Eighty Seven. The weekend you guys visited me at school.

Monica: Oh my God! That's wild!

Chandler: Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter.

Ross: Well, it matters to me.

Chandler: Why?

Ross: Because... the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time.

Chandler: You kissed her that night too?

Monica: Two guys in one night? Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed.

Chandler: Seriously, where did this happen?

Ross: Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in peoples coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, you know. But it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but... it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first.

Chandler: Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on?

Ross: Mine.

Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.

Ross: No, she was definitely on my bed.

Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed?

Ross: Well, then who was on my bed?

Monica: (screeching) OH! Oh, oh! (holding her hand in front of her mouth)

Ross: (realizing) NO! No, no!

Monica: YES! (Chandler gets an "oh no!" look on his face)

Ross: You were under the pile of coats?

Monica: I was the pile of coats!

Ross: OH MY GOD!

Monica: You were my Midnight Mystery Kisser?

Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?

Monica: You were my first kiss ever?

Chandler: What did I marry into?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Back at the party in 1987. People are dancing to "Disco Inferno" by The Trammps.]

(Monica is dancing. At first she seems insecure and moves slowly, but then gets into the groove and swings her hips from side to side while holding her hands up. She then eats the last piece of pizza she was holding and again moves her hips from side to side, pushing her hands in the air in beat with the music. Her moves get more wildly while she's snapping her fingers. She loses balance and falls back onto a pink bean bag.)

Monica: Oh, crap!

THE END

Friends

1012 - The One With Phoebe's Wedding

Written by: Robert Carlock & Dana Klein

Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey's sitting on the couch and Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Oh, hey Joey.

Joey: Uh, hey.

Phoebe: Listen, I need to ask you something. Ok, you know how my step dad's in prison.

Joey: (afraid) Yeah.

Phoebe: Yeah. Well, uhm... listen he was supposed to get a weekend furlough, so he'd come to the wedding tomorrow, but he just called and... uhm... well, apparently stabbing Iceman in the exercise yard just couldn't wait till Monday.

Joey: So he can't come?

Phoebe: No, and so there's no one to walk me down the aisle and... well, I would just really love it if you would do it.

Joey: Seriously?

Phoebe: Yeah, you've... you know, sort of been like a dad to me. I mean, you've always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom...

Joey: I am pretty wisdomous.

Phoebe: So... what do you say?

Joey: Are you kidding? Phoebe, I would be honored. (they hug)

Phoebe: Oh, thank you. I hope... I hope you know how much you mean to me.

Joey: (takes her hand) Listen, I hope... that you know... (has difficulty saying it) I don't want you to see your father cry, GO TO YOUR ROOM!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch. A waitress brings a coffee and Phoebe wants to pay.]

Phoebe: Oh.

Joey: Oh no, no, no, let your dad get this.

Phoebe: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, it's my wedding planner. She's driving me crazy! (she answers) Hello... Hey, ok, stop screaming! Ok? So, halibut. All right, so salmon, either way. I don't-I don't... it doesn't matter to me!

Monica: (she enters with a headset on and she's speaking into the microphone) Well, it matters to me!

Phoebe: Well, I don't care, so you pick!

Monica: Did you just hung up on me? (she hangs up too) All right, look, I need you at the rehearsal dinner tonight at 1800 hours.

Phoebe: Uh-uh. Ok. What time is that.

Monica: You don't know military time?

Phoebe: Why, I must have been in missile training the day they taught that.

Monica: Just subtract twelve.

Phoebe: Ok, so... 1800 minus twelve is... one thousand, seven hundred and...

Monica: (screaming) Six o'clock!

Phoebe: Ok.

Monica: Ok. Hold on. (her mobile phone rings) Geller here! No! I said it has to be there by 4 o'clock. Goodbye. (she hangs up) Oh, how hard it is to make an ice sculpture?

Phoebe: Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy! I told you I just want a simple wedding.

Monica: Please... honey, leave the details to me. Now I wanna make this day as special for you as I can. Now, ok, I was thinking that the harpist should wear white.

Phoebe: What harpist? My friend Marjorie is playing the steel drums.

Monica: Ooh... she backed out.

Phoebe: She did? Why?

Monica: I made her. (Phoebe looks shocked) Steel drums don't really say "elegant wedding". Nor does Marjorie's overwhelming scent.

Phoebe: (looking angry) Hey! She will shower when Tibet is free.

[Scene: The wedding rehearsal dinner.]

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: You look great. I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.

Phoebe: Okay, what did we say was your one gift to us?

Chandler: No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding.

Phoebe: Rehearse it!

Ross: Hi! (he kisses Phoebe)

Mike: Thanks for coming you guys.

Ross: Oh, (he goes towards Mike in order to shake hands but Mike hugs him) hey, oh... I... I was-I was going for a hand shake.

Mike: Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch?

Ross: That is why!

Mike: Yeah.

Phoebe: So Rach.

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Where is Emma?

Rachel: Oh, Monica made me send her to my mother's. Apparently babies and weddings don't mix.

Monica: (coming) Are you still crying about your damn baby? Pheebs, you gotta keep the line moving, remember, 20 seconds per person. Your see these clowns all the time! (she takes off)

Joey: Hey, you're Mike's parents, right?

Mike's mother: Yes, we are.

Joey: Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, uh?

Mike's father: How's that?

Joey: You know, on the one hand you're happy for them, but on the other hand it's hard to let go.

Mike's father: Who in God's name are you?

Joey: Hey, I'm not that fond of you either, ok buddy? But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids!

(cut to Ross, Chandler and Rachel)

Chandler: (to Rachel) You know what I just realized? We have no idea what we're doing in the wedding tomorrow.

Ross: Yeah, I thought we'd be groomsmen, but wouldn't they have asked us by now? When did they ask you to be their bridesmaid?

Rachel: Uh... November?

Ross: I wanna say it's not looking good.

Rachel: Hey Pheebs...

Phoebe: What's up?

Rachel: Uhm... you haven't told these guys what they're doing in the wedding yet.

Chandler: Heh.

Phoebe: Uhm... well, they're not in the wedding.

Ross: What? (Ross and Chandler don't know what to say, so there's an embarrassing long pause)

Rachel: Well, this is really awkward (staring at the floor) Oh, and I can leave!

Phoebe: I'm sorry you guys but, you know, Mike's got his brother and his friends from school so... you know, you were-you were... if it helps you, you were next in line, you just-you just missed the cut.

Ross: Oh, man!

Chandler: This is like figure skating team all over again. (Phoebe and Ross glare at him astonished) I mean synchronized swimming. (they continue to glare) I mean- I mean the balance beam. (to Ross) Help me!

Ross: FOOTBALL!

Chandler: Thank you.

Monica: (looking at Phoebe eating something) Pheebs, spit that out, that has pork in it.

Phoebe: Oh! I though the pot stickers were supposed to be vegetarian!

Monica: Yeah, I changed them. I-I sent you a fax about it!

Phoebe: I don't have a fax machine.

Monica: Ah, well then there are gonna be a few surprises!

Ross: I can't believe we're gonna be the only people that aren't in this wedding.

Chandler: I know, I hate being left out of things.

Ross: And it's a wedding! It'd be weird if I'm not in it...

Mike: Hey guys, how is it going?

Chandler: Fine. We're just sitting here. Alone. Doing nothing. It's our rehearsal for tomorrow.

Mike: Yeah look, about tomorrow, I... I've got a question for ya. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and can't make it.

Chandler: What happened?

Ross: Who cares, AND?

Mike: ...and I was wondering if... you know, maybe one of you guys... (Ross stands up)

Ross: I'll do it!

Chandler: (standing up too) M-Me-me-me!

Mike: You both wanna do it? Uhm... there's only room for one.

Chandler: Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus.

Ross: No, Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me, I mean... watch! (he mimics the groommens way of walking down the aisle with a bridesmaid) Huh?

Mike: You know, I really don't feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better, I'm gonna let her choose. (he leaves)

Ross: (to Chandler) Well, if Phoebe's choosing, then say hello to Mike's next groomsman.

Chandler: Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me!

Ross: Please, you're going down!

Chandler: You are going downer!

Ross: Is that what they say on the Figure Skating Team?

Chandler: (almost crying) I wouldn't know, I didn't make it! (they hug)

[Scene: Wedding rehearsal dinner. Joey and Mike are talking.]

Joey: So, you know I'm filling in for Phoebe's step dad, tomorrow, right?

Mike: Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that.

Joey: Oh, hey, my pleasure. (he suddenly becomes very serious) So what are your intentions with my Phoebe?

Mike: I intend to marry her.

Joey: Oh, a wiseacre. (Mike looks bewildered). No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable?

Mike: No more so than acting.

Joey: Strike two!

Mike: You're right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, dad?

Joey: Strike three! You only get one more, Mike!

(Cut to Chandler and Ross. Phoebe comes out of the ladies room and they run toward her.)

Ross: So, what did you decide?

Phoebe: I decided to pee.

Chandler: Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out.

Phoebe: Oh no, no. I can't choose between you two! I love you both so much!

Chandler: Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party.

Phoebe: Oh, I don't wanna choose! It's (Rachel is walking by). Oh okay, wait. Rach! Listen I have a very special bridesmaid task for you today.

Rachel: (excited and clapping her hands in front of her face) Goody, what is it!

Phoebe: Well, there's a spot open for only one groomsman and you have to choose between Ross and Chandler. So good luck with that.

Rachel: What, what, what, no, I don't wanna do that.

Phoebe: All right, I guess I'll have to find a new bridesmaid.

Ross: I'll do it! (Monica approaches)

Monica: Ok, it's 2100 hours. (to Phoebe) Time for your toast. (Mike appears)

Mike: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?

Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! (to Phoebe and Mike). Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out!

Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler?

Monica: (very serious) It's 2101 and I am not amused. (pause). Ok, the bride and groom have a few words they'd like to say. (Everyone sits and Phoebe gets up)

Phoebe: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. (she reads a note). My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I... (Monica is twirling her hands in order to make Phoebe speed up her speech) oh I... hum... I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because... (Monica is tapping her watch with her finger) it's not important... she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and (Monica clears her throat) but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here...

Monica (rolling her eyes): oh God.

Phoebe: And... moment's over! (Rachel, Joey and Chandler all turn and look disapprovingly towards Monica but she just shrugs it off) So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm... (she's flipping cards skipping half of them) Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to... that, to... Oh, ok, well, uhm, I (Monica is miming CUT). Ok, ok, I, ok, I.... MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON'T WANT THIS (she mimes Monica's when she was twirling her hands) OR THIS (she taps her watch) OR THIS (she mimes CUT) OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! (pause) You know what? You're done.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: YOU'RE FIRED! (mimes the CUT again) (pause and she raises her glass) Cheers! (Chandler raises his, smiling and Monica stares at him and he puts down his glass.)

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey's having breakfast; Phoebe enters the room carrying her wedding dress.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Happy wedding day!

Phoebe: Oh, happy my wedding day to you!

Rachel: Ok-dokey, Joey, listen. This is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We're gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages.

Joey: Oh, man! I wouldn't have had breakfast if I knew there was going to be corsages!

(Monica enters the room)

Monica: Hi. About last night... I know you are under a lot of stress and even though the things you said hurt me a little bit... My point is, uh, well, I'm willing to take my job back.

Phoebe: Oh, well that's ok. I think you and I will do much better if you're just... here as a bridesmaid.

Monica: Oh, is that so? Ok. If that's really what you want, then here... I give you the headset. Well, I don't really want to give you the headset. Well I guess if you're taking over, you should probably return these messages. (hands her a stack of papers with messages and calls to return)

Phoebe: Wow, this is a lot!

Monica: Uh-huh, but I'm sure you can handle this. I mean, I have won awards for my organizational skills, but, uh, I'm sure you'll do fine.

Phoebe: You won awards?

Monica: Mm-mh. I printed them out on my computer.

(Ross enters the room)

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Ross: Where's Rach?

Monica: She's in her room, why?

Ross: I have to talk to her about this groomsman situation, ok? I'm not gonna watch Chandler up there while I'm sitting in the seats like some chump! (he goes to Rachel's room, knocks the door and enters the room). (very fake gasp) Oh! My God! You're breathtaking!

Rachel: What d'you want?

Ross: You haven't by any chance chosen a groomsman yet, have you?

Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon, please! Don't make this harder than it already is!

Ross: I'm not! I'm making it easier! Pick me!

Rachel: Well, Chandler said that it's really important to him too!

Ross: Listen, listen. Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you! Now, I promise I won't say a word, but if you pick Chandler he's gonna be whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time!

Rachel: Oh, you are the lesser of two evils!

Ross: (waving his fist in the air in triumph) YES, YES!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Phoebe is talking at the phone, Monica is listening amused.]

Phoebe: Sven I don't understand what you're saying! What is wrong with the flowers? Lorkins? What the hell are lorkins?

Monica: I know.

(Mike enters the room).

Mike: Hey.

Phoebe: Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word "lorkins" what flowers would that be?

Mike: (thinks a moment) Orchids?

Phoebe: Right there! That's why I'm marrying you!

(Joey comes out from his room)

Joey: (to Mike) Hello Michael.

Mike: Joseph.

Joey: May I have a word with you, please?

Mike: (looking around the room) This is... great...

Joey: Have a seat. (Mike sits on his bed, and Joey towers over him. He starts talking in an Italian godfather-type voice) Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me... (shakes his head) I cannot allow this.

Mike: (not amused) Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?

Joey: More back talk. And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for "Family Honor 2: Thissa Time Itsa Personal."

Mike: Joey, I kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want?

Joey: I want you to take this seriously! Phoebe is very very important to me, ok? And I wanna make sure that you are gonna take care of her.

Mike: (gets up) Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her.

Joey: (very satisfied and smiling) That's what I wanted to hear! Because she's family, ok, and now you're gonna be family, and there is nothing more important in the whole world, than family.

Mike: That must have been one lousy movie.

Joey: (almost crying) That was ME!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is pacing and Rachel walks in.]

Rachel: Hi

Chandler: Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing? If you pick Ross, he'll walk you down the isle just fine. But if you choose me, you'll be getting some comedy!

Rachel: Even so, I think I'm gonna pick Ross.

Chandler: Let me tell you why you need to pick me. (Goes to sit on the couch facing backwards to the kitchen. Rachel gets a chair and sits opposite him) See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back.

Rachel: All right fine, I pick you.

Chandler: (Getting up and raising his fist in victory) Y-Y-YEEESSS! Make "groom" for Chandler.

Rachel: (not amused by his pun but forcing a smile anyway) Oh my...

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is on the phone and Monica is nonchalantly "minding her own business".]

Phoebe: No! We're gonna do it my way. (listens) Because your way is stupid! Alright I gotta go, I have another call, Reverend. (switches calls) Hello?

(Mike and Joey come out of Joey's room)

Joey: I'm glad we had this little talk.

Mike: Yes. Yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice. (walks away) That didn't make me uncomfortable at all! Alright, so I'll see everybody tonight?

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Bye.

(Mike opens the door and there is a gigantic ice sculpture standing in the doorway)

Mike: Uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall?

Phoebe: Oh my God, what's it doing here?

Monica: (Obviously enjoying this setback) Ugh, I guess it got sent to the billing address as opposed to the shipping address. (by now she can barely keep herself from smiling) Uh! What a pickle.

Phoebe: (starting to panic) Oh my God, everything is such a mess. Why is this happening to me?

Joey: (staring at the ice sculpture) How bad do you want to stick your tongue on that? (They all glare at him)

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee at the counter. Chandler walks in.]

Chandler: How's it going?

Ross: (smiling to himself) Good. I'm just getting some coffee. So I'm alert for the wedding.

Chandler: (smiling to himself too) That's what I was doing too.

Ross: (barely containing himself at this point) Well, you have fun tonight.

Chandler: You too.

Ross: Oh, I will.

Chandler: Me too.

(They walk passed each other, Ross towards the door, Chandler towards the counter, suddenly they turn around to face each other)

Ross: Wait a minute, I know why I'm being such an ass, why are you?

Chandler: I'm not supposed to tell you.

Ross: I'm not supposed to tell you!

(Cut to Joey and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Ross storm in looking very unhappy)

Chandler: You told us both we could be in the wedding? (they both stare at Rachel)

Rachel: Well, in my defense, you were not supposed to tell each other.

Ross: Rachel, only one of us can do it, you have to choose. You and me together again. (he winks at her and Rachel looks disgusted)

Chandler: Rach, Rach, knock knock.

Rachel: Who's there?

Chandler: I'll tell you at the wedding.

Rachel: Uh.

(Mike walks in.)

Mike: Hey, I forgot my scarf.

Rachel: You know what, I can't do this. I don't know which one of you guys to pick.

Mike: Oh, you haven't picked yet. Oh good, 'cause I had an idea. I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman was my family dog. Chappy.

Ross: What? A dog? No! Rachel gets to choose.

(all eyes turn to Rachel)

Rachel: (sarcastic) Wow, this is a tough one. I think I'm gonna have to go with the dog.

(Ross and Chandler look shocked)

(Cut to Phoebe who is in the living room, still on the phone.)

Phoebe: Alright, wait, so what you're saying is that the chef is at the Hamilton Club, but the food is not and the drinks are there, but the bartender is not? Are you, are you FREAKING KIDDING ME!?

Monica: (enjoying what she's seeing) How's it going?

Phoebe: (to Monica) Help me.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: I want you to be Crazy Bitch again.

Monica: (Sounds moved) Really?

Phoebe: (Nearly in tears) Please?

Monica: You really want me to come back?

Phoebe: More than I wanna get married.

Monica: Ok people, we are back in business! (Gets her headset out of her purse) Oh God, we've missed you soo much! (takes all the notes from Phoebe) Ok, go and get your hair and make-up done, and I'll take care of everything.

(Joey walks in)

Joey: Hey, what are you guys gonna do?

Phoebe: (sounds scared already) About what?

Joey: The blizzard. I just saw on the news, it's like the worst snow storm in 20 years! They already closed all the bridges and tunnels. (Opens the curtains to reveal a snow storm outside)

Monica: Ooh! But the band and the photographer are coming all the way in from New Jersey!

Joey: I don't think they are.

Ross: (to Rachel) Haha! Looks like you're not going to be in the wedding either. (Looks at Phoebe) So sorry Pheebs.

[Scene: Monica's apartment. They are all sitting around.]

Monica: (Putting down her phone) Well, the club lost it's power.

Joey: Yeah according to the news, most of the city did.

Rachel: Since when do you watch the news?

Joey: Uh, for your information, since they hired a very hot weather girl.

Ross: (To Phoebe and Mike) I can't believe you guys aren't going to be able to get married today.

Phoebe: I know.

Rachel: Wow, you know, it's so beautiful out there. You always wanted to get married outside. Why don't you guys just do it on the street?

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: Well, look, it's hardly snowing anymore. I mean you couldn't ask for a more romantic setting. This could be the simple wedding you've always wanted!

Phoebe: (Turning to Mike) What do you think?

Mike: I think I wanna get married to you today.

Phoebe: Me too! (turning to Monica) Monica, do you think we could do it?

Monica: (thinking) AFFIRMATIVE!

[Scene: Outside. They are a bunch of people arranging chairs, shoveling snow and making other preparations.]

Monica: (walking around with her headset still on) OK LET'S GET THESE CHAIRS OUT HERE! Gunther, hit the Christmas lights. (He does so and the lights above the chairs light up. Monica looks satisfied) Okay, who left the ice sculpture (picks up a piece of ice from the ground) ON THE STEAM GRATE? (nobody answers)

Mike's mom: Michael!

Mike: Hey! You made it. Great! Chappy! Hi! (kisses his dad) Hi! (kisses his mom) Mom, I know getting married in the street isn't something you approve of...

Mike's mom: No... It's lovely. The lights and the snow. I could look at them forever.

Mike's dad: (leans in towards Mike) I crushed a pill and put it in her drink... (to his wife) Come on, sweetheart.

Mike: (to Chandler and Ross) You know, Chappy's too small to handle all this snow. Someone's gonna have to walk him down the aisle.

Chandler: So technically, would this person be in the wedding?

Mike: I guess.

Chandler and Ross: I'll do it!

Ross: No, but Chandler, hello... Aren't you scared of dogs?

Chandler: I'm not scared. (moves towards Mike and Chappy) I'll just take little Chappy and... (he backs out) HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED.

Ross: (takes Chappy from Mike) Well, I guess I'm in the wedding then. Ha haaa... (smells Chappy) He stinks!

Monica: Level 1 alert. I repeat, level 1. This is not a drill. Okay we've got a situation. The minister just called. He's snowed in. He can't make it.

Mike: Oh, no!

Joey: Oh hey, don't worry. I'm still ordained from your wedding.

Monica: Really?

Joey: Yeah, you'd think I'd give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? Huhuh...

Ross: Uhm, ministers don't ride the subway for free.

Joey: I had to read the Bible pretty carefully, but... yeah we do.

Monica: Okay, if Joey does the ceremony, then we have to find someone else to walk Phoebe down the isle.

Chandler: (quickly) I'll do it.

Ross: I'll...

Chandler: (to Ross) Na ha ha... (to Chappy) Ne he he... (Ross moves Chappy to Chandler, who quickly backs away) Ah ah...

Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. (they walk off, Ross looks down to Chappy, who he's holding and he gets a whiff of the dog's smell. He is clearly disgusted by it.)

(Cut to inside Central Perk where Rachel is helping Phoebe. Chandler and Monica enter.)

Monica: Okay, Joey's doing the ceremony and Chandler's giving you away.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Hi new dad. (Chandler waves)

Monica: So, you're ready to do this?

Phoebe: Uhuh, uhuh... Oh my God! This is really happening.

Rachel: Oh Phoebe, I'm so happy for you honey. (she gives her a kiss)

Phoebe: Oh, thank you.

Monica: I love you. (Phoebe leans in to kiss her.) Oh, wait, wait, wait! No hugs. The dresses... Oh what the hell. (the girls hug)

Phoebe: I love you guys.

Rachel and Monica: I love you.

Monica: Okay. (in her microphone) It's zero hour. All teams execute on my count. (to all) Let's get this bad boy on the road.

Chandler: (to Monica) Is it okay that I want you to wear that head set in bed tonight?

Monica: (checking her clipboard) I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours.

Chandler: Oh yeah! (Monica walks outside)

Monica: Okay Marjorie, hit it.

(A woman with a steel drum and a guy with a xylophone start playing an instrumental version of "Can't Help Falling In Love" by Elvis Presley. A bridesmaid and a groomsman walk down the isle. Next are Rachel and Ross, who carries Chappy in his arms.)

Rachel: Geez Ross, you could have showered.

Ross: It's the dog.

(we cut to Monica)

Monica: Groomsman, groomsman, why are you just standing there, where is your bridesmaid? (into microphone) We've got a broken arrow. Bridesmaid down! (realizes) Oh, that's me.

(She walks down the aisle with the groomsman. We cut to inside Central Perk, where Phoebe and Chandler are waiting.)

Chandler: Ready?

Phoebe: (nervously) Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Oh wait, oh no. Wait.

(She takes off the coat she was wearing over her wedding dress, which is violet and has a darker shade petticoat underneath which shows at one side where the dress is lifted up to about the height of her hip and connected to the petticoat. She's wearing a veil over her curly hair and a low cut top with straps only just hanging over her shoulders.)

Chandler: Wow! Aren't you gonna be cold?

Phoebe: I don't care... I'll be my something blue.

Chandler: You look beautiful.

Phoebe: Thank you.

(They start to leave Central Perk. The band starts to play "Here, There and Everywhere" by the Beatles. The crowd rises from their seats. Phoebe and Chandler walk down the aisle. Phoebe really glows with happiness. So does Mike who watches her walk down the isle. When Phoebe and Chandler arrive, they kiss and Phoebe walks to her bridesmaids.)

Mike: My God! Aren't you freezing?

Phoebe: Na-ah.

(the music ends)

Joey: Friends, family, dog... Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place... so I'm gonna do the short version of this. Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other. And I know I speak for every one here... when I wish them a lifetime of happiness. Who has the rings?

(one of the groomsmen gives the rings to Joey)

Joey: (whispering to Phoebe) Okay...

Phoebe: When I was growing up, I didn't have a normal mom and dad, or a regular family like everybody else, and I always knew that something was missing. But now I'm standing here today, knowing that I have everything I'm ever gonna need... You are my family. (She puts the ring on Mikes finger)

Mike: Phoebe you're so beautiful. You're so kind, you're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure, and I can't believe how lucky I am, and I can't wait to share my life with you forever. (He puts the ring on Phoebe's finger.)

Phoebe: Oh wait, oh I forgot... and uhm... I love you... and you have nice eyes.

Mike: I love you too.

Ross: Uh Joey...

Joey: Yeah?

Ross: Chappy's heart rate has slowed way down.

Joey: Oh, okay. Phoebe, do you take this man to be your husband?

Phoebe: I do.

(Joey has a "Yeah you do" smile on his face)

Joey: Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife?

Mike: I do.

Joey: I now pronounce you... husband and wife.

(Phoebe and Mike kiss)

Phoebe: I got married! (everyone applauds) Could someone get me a coat, I'm freaking freezing.

(Mike takes off his coat to give to Phoebe and the steel band plays "The Wedding Song")

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler and Joey are walking up the stairs.]

Chandler: That really was an incredible wedding.

Joey: It was, yeah. I kind of don't want it to end. Hey, you wanna come in for a drink and a bite of corsage?

Chandler: I'd love to, but it's 2300 hours and I'm about to have the most organized sex anyone's ever had.

Joey: Nice. Oh hey, what about Ross?

Chandler: I don't know. Maybe he hooked up with that hot girl he was talking to.

(cut to the street in front of Central Perk where Ross is walking Chappy. He has a plastic bag in his hand.)

Ross: Come on Chappy, do your business. MAKE! MA-AKE! I did not sign on for this.

THE END

Friends

1013 - The One Where Joey Speaks French

Written by: Sherry Bilding-Graham & Ellen Plummer

Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch and Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hi

All: Hey! Hi!

Rachel: How was the honeymoon?

Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic!

Rachel: Oh!

Chandler: So, where's Mike?

Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there!

Joey: Well anyway, I'm glad you're back, I really need your help.

Phoebe: Oh, why? What's up?

Joey: I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my résumé, I'm fluent in.

Ross: Joey, you shouldn't lie on your résumé.

Monica: Yeah, you really shouldn't. (to Ross, sarcastically) By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?

Ross: (whispering) It was ok...

Rachel: I did not know you spoke French.

Phoebe: Oui, bien sur je parle Français! Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors?

Rachel: Oh... you're so sexy!

Joey: Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play.

Phoebe: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami.

Rachel: Seriously stop it, or I'm gonna jump on ya.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Why are you wearing my apron?

Monica: I'm making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour.

Chandler: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? (she's not amused) No? Divorce?

Ross: (he enters) Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: You guys know where Rachel is?

Monica: No, we haven't seen her since this morning.

Ross: So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. (he tries to take a cookie but Monica slaps his hand)

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Monica: These are for Erica!

Ross: What? She's gonna eat all those cookies?

Monica: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat!

Ross: So, why is Erica coming to visit?

Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and she's never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists' spots... you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building...

Chandler: Oh, those places! There's always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Mooooo"!

Monica: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it?

Ross: (looking at Rachel entering with Emma) Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up thirty minutes late!

Rachel: Ross...

Ross: No, no, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney's?

Rachel: My father had an heart attack... (crying) ...while I was at Barney’s.

Ross: Oh my God.

Monica: Honey.

Chandler: I'm so sorry...

Ross: Is-is he ok?

Rachel: Yeah, they said he's gonna be fine, but he's still heavily sedated.

Ross: Ok, ok. I'm gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can't be alone right now.

Rachel: No, come on, I'm totally ok. (hugging him) I don't need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own.

Ross: Still-still, let me come... for me.

Rachel: Ok. If you really need to.

Ross: I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies.

Rachel: Oh, I really could.

Ross: Oh!

Rachel: Ohh... (Ross mouths HA-HA at Monica and takes two cookies and she looks at him angrily)

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's trying to teach Joey French, so she's sitting in front of him with the script in her hands.]

Phoebe: All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is "My name is Claude", so, just repeat after me. "Je m'appelle Claude".

Joey: Je de coup Clow.

Phoebe: Well, just... let's try it again.

Joey: Ok.

Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.

Joey: Je depli mblue.

Phoebe: Uh. It's not... quite what I'm saying.

Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.

Phoebe: It does, really?

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: All right, let just try it again. Really listen.

Joey: Got it.

Phoebe: (slowly) Je m'appelle Claude.

Joey: Je te flouppe Fli.

Phoebe: Oh, mon Dieu!

Joey: Oh, de fuff!

Monica: (entering with Erica and Chandler) Hey you guys.

Phoebe: Hi!

Joey: Hey.

Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!

Phoebe: Oh!

Monica: Joey. Erica, baby!

Joey: Hi.

Monica: Everyone. Erica, baby!

Chandler: Monica. Calm, self.

Erica: Thank you. It's really nice to meet you guys, I can't believe I'm here!

Joey: Welcome to New York City! Or should I say "ghe deu flooff New York City"?

Chandler: Why would you say that?

Phoebe: Ok. What are you gonna be doing today?

Erica: I wanna see everything! Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center...

Joey: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty.

Erica: Oh yeah, let's do that!

Chandler: Great! (to Monica) This baby'd better to be really good.

[Scene: Hospital.]

Rachel: (stopping a nurse who's coming out of a room) Oh, uhm, excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.

Ross: And I'm Doctor Ross Geller.

Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here.

Rachel: Can somebody please go in?

Nurse: Absolutely.

Ross: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't want to infect him.

Rachel: Ross, please, don't be so scared of him!

Ross: I'm not scared of him, I'm really sick!

Nurse: He's under sedation, so he's pretty much out.

Ross: I'm feeling better.

Rachel: Oh! (They enter. Rachel sees his father, lying on a bed, with tubes, drip and everything) Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?

Nurse: Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him.

Rachel: Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok?

Ross: He's unconscious, I think we'll be just fine!

Rachel (leaving): Ok.

(Ross goes into the room where Dr. Green is laying unconscious. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. Dr. Geller awakes.)

Ross: Did the TV wake you?

Dr. Green: No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter.

Ross: Ouchy.

Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller?

Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! (pause) So what's new?

Dr. Green: Ooh, I have a little heart attack.

Ross: Right, is it painful?

Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?

Ross (he buzzes for the nurse) Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here.

Dr. Green: So what's new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately?

Ross: Nope, just the one. RACH!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Phoebe is trying to teach Joey French.]

Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.

Joey: Je do call blue!

Phoebe: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let's try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. "je".

Joey: je.

Phoebe: m'ap

Joey: mah

Phoebe: pelle

Joey: pel.

Phoebe: Great, ok faster! "je"

Joey: je.

Phoebe: m'ap

Joey: mah

Phoebe: pelle

Joey: pel.

Phoebe: Je m'appelle!

Joey: Me pooh pooh!

Phoebe: Ok, it's too hard, I can't teach you!

Joey: What are you doing?

Phoebe: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. (she leaves)

Joey: (he goes out calling her) Don't move! Don't go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me lah peeh! Ombrah! (he gives up). Pooh.

[Scene: Green's mansion. Rachel's Room. Rachel's is combing her hair; Ross's coming into the room]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. (pause) I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack.

Rachel: Uh. (pause) Did you call your parents?

Ross: Oh, yeah. Emma's doing great.

Rachel: Oh good.

Ross: Wow.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room.

Rachel: What do you mean? You've been in my room before!

Ross: Yeah, sure, right! Like I've ever been in Rachel Green's room.

Rachel: Ok I gotta tell ya, it's really weird when you use my whole name.

Ross: Sorry. (Rachel sits on her bed). You ok?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: You had a rough day, uh?

Rachel: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick!

Ross: But we do! (pause) It's gonna be ok, Rach!

Rachel: (she's sad) Ow. I don't want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital!

Ross: What? No, no! Hey, hey, hey look...

Rachel: What?

Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll go see him first thing in the morning, ok?

Rachel: Really, I shouldn't feel guilty?

Ross: No, God! Hey, Rach, you've been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest.

Rachel: Ok, maybe you're right.

Ross: (he kisses her on her forehead) Good night.

Rachel: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while?

Ross: Sure!

Rachel: Ok. (She sits on the bed and Ross sits near her) Thank you for coming with me today.

Ross: Oh, of course...

Rachel: Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room!

Ross: Me too. Come here. (They hug)

Rachel: I just don't want to be alone tonight.

Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or...(There's one of those moments. They're staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea.

Rachel: Wait, we won't know that until we do it, will we?

Ross: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable and I just don't feel it would be right, I'd feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you.

Rachel: Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy!

Ross: Look, I'm sure it would be great, but I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so, I'm gonna go!

Rachel: Wow. Ok.

Ross: I'll see you in the morning (he leaves).

Rachel: Mhm-mh!

Ross: (outside her room, talking by himself) Haven't had sex in four months, I should get a medal for that!

[Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and Erica have just arrived.]

Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time.

Monica: Oh, I'm glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming.

Chandler: (enters the room wearing an "I love New York" t-shirt, a "Statue of Liberty" hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome!

Monica: What is with you?

Chandler: Yeah, I've been to these places before, but I've never really seen them, you know.

Monica: Yeah, you miss alot, when you're moo-ing.

Erica: Thanks so much for showing me around.

Monica: Oh! It was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you.

Erica: Well, if there is anything else you wanna know... (Monica and Chandler look at each other)

Chandler: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?

Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. (Monica and Chandler are smiling from ear to ear)

Chandler: That's great.

Erica: Yeah... it's almost definitely him. (Monica and Chandler look confused now)

Monica: How's that now?

Erica: Well, there is a chance it's another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.

Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too?

Erica: No, he's in prison. (More shocked looks from Monica and Chandler)

Monica: Was he falsely accused of something? (They look hopeful)

Erica: No... he killed his father with a shovel. (Monica and Chandler's jaws drop) But other than that, he's a great guy.

Chandler: I'll bet his dad doesn't think so.

(Time lapse. Chandler and Monica are in bed now)

Monica: Are you awake?

Chandler: Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! (He turns the light on)

Monica: Alright, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy.

Chandler: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer.

Monica: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently?

Chandler: I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is.

Monica: How?

Chandler: I dunno, aren't there tests for these things, right?

Monica: Yeah, but maybe we're just over-reacting.

Chandler: Pff, easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "mom" on his shovel-wielding arm!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. He is sitting on the barcalounger holding a French study book and listening to a French learning tape.]

Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.

Joey: Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk!

Tape: Good job.

Joey: Thank you.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again.

Joey: Oh, no, that's okay, I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good!

Phoebe: Really, can I hear some of it.

Joey: Sure, sure. Ok, (clears his throat and starts to read from his script. He starts talking in a fake French accent, making gestures with his hands) "Bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu" (Phoebe looks astonished, annoyed and disgusted, Joey seems very proud though) See?

Phoebe: Well, you're not, (she tries to smile and contain her anger, but loses it) You're not... you're not... again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH!

Joey: (offended) Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.

Phoebe: How could you possibly think that?

Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!

[Scene: The hospital. Rachel is pouring her self a cup of coffee. Ross approaches from behind.]

Ross: Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee?

Rachel: (She turns around very slowly, looks at him for a second and then turns back to her coffee) Sure. (She gives him the cup she was pouring for herself without looking at him)

Ross: You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay?

Rachel: Hmm-hmm. (starts to pour herself a cup of coffee, never looking at Ross)

Ross: You sure you're alright?

Rachel: (coldly) Yep.

Ross: (knowing she's not alright) O-kay. Well, I'm gonna go grab us some breakfast. (He starts to leave)

Rachel: FYI..

Ross: (knew this was coming) There it is... (he comes back)

Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex... just do it. (she smiles fakely at him)

Ross: (half amused) Wait, wait, (looks around a little) You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing.

Rachel: (sarcastically) Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!

Ross: (acknowledging the last part of her sentence) Well...

Rachel: Oh stop that!

Ross: I can't believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side)

Ross: Hey, I was looking out for you.

Rachel: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me.

Ross: I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever.

Rachel: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either. (She turns to leave and Ross over takes her and stands infront on her, his back to the row of doors leading to the hospital rooms)

Ross: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say, you and me, never having sex again.

Rachel: What?

Ross: That's right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel's dad glares at him with a deadly look)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Erica enter, Chandler is in the kitchen.]

Chandler: Hey! How was lunch?

Erica: (To Chandler) We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob (Monica smiles at Chandler and his he looks shocked and scared, getting no support from his wife)

Chandler: (struggling) Oh, really?

Erica: No! (To Monica) You we're right, that was fun! I'm gonna go finish packing.

Chandler: O-okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So, is she gonna take the test?

Monica: Nope, she doesn't have to, I found out who the father is.

Chandler: Oh God. It's shovely-Joe, isn't it?

Monica: (smiling) No it's not.

Chandler: How do you know?

Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... it'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way.

Chandler: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?

Monica: The thing we never do.

Chandler: (nods in appreciation) Shovely Joe!

[Scene: The theatre where Joey is auditioning. Phoebe enters when Joey's on stage and she sits down. He hasn't seen her.]

Director: Whenever you're ready Joey.

Joey: Right. (clears his throat) Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, c'est la pu les la lu blah bloo.

Casting assistant: I'm sorry, what's going on?

Joey: Dude, come on! French it u-up!

Director: Joey, do you speak French?

Joey: Toutes la smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoof!

Director: You know what. I think this audition is over. (Joey looks disappointed, but understands.)

Phoebe: (in a French accent) Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Reginé Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estée Lauder.

Director: You really think this man is speaking French?

Joey: Sa-sa-saw!

Phoebe: Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. C'est mon petit frère. Il est un peu retardé. (Translation: Listen, I will tell you the truth. He's my little bother. He's a bit retarded.)

(The director looks at Joey and he nods.)

Phoebe: Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui... (Translation: So, would you please just humor him?)

Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part.

Joey: Ah. All right. But my French was good?

Director: It was great.

Joey: (to Phoebe) Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See!

Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.)

Joey: Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen counter and Ross enters from Rachel and Emma's room.]

Ross: Emma's down for the night.

Rachel: Oh, good.

Ross: So uh... I guess I wanna take off.

Rachel: Okay... Hey listen, just before you go I-I again, I just wanna say "thank you" for coming with me.

Ross: Oh, no problem.

Rachel: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and... it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again.

Ross: Thank you. I'm glad you agree.

Rachel: It's a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good.

Ross: Yeah... Yeah, that's true.

Rachel: Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time...?

Ross: Oh, ye-ah!

Rachel: You know it was you're uhm... birthday...

Ross: ...Valentine's day...

Both: (long pause, they realize) Oh yeah!

Rachel: Well, I guess that's all in the past, now.

Ross: Hmmm-mmmm.

Rachel: (after a pause) Not even one more time?

Ross: Not even once.

Rachel: No matter how much we want it.

Ross: Even if we want it really bad.

Rachel: That's what we decided.

Ross: Uhm, right!

Rachel: ...It's kinda hard though!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that's... just seems like such a... waste.

Ross: ...I hate waste.

Rachel: ...Ross?

Ross: Yes?

Rachel: Just so you know... With us... it's never off the table. (she enters her room and closes the door.)

Ross: Damn it. It's never off the table. (he leaves the apartment)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Joey are "updating" Joey's resumé.]

Phoebe: Okay, can you really tapdance?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: It's off the resumé. (she strikes it through with a pencil)

Phoebe: Archery?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Horseback riding?

Joey: Would fall off a lot.

Phoebe: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?

Joey: That I can do.

Phoebe: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?

Joey: All right, watch me! (he takes a full container of milk from the fridge) Okay, you time me. Ready?

Phoebe: Ready... GO!

(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps "drinking" and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.)

Phoebe: (checking her watch) You did it!

THE END

Friends

1014 - The One With Princess Consuela

Teleplay by: Tracy Reilly

Story by: Robert Carlock

Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

Final check by Kim

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are having a diner party with Phoebe and Mike.]

Mike: (raising his glass) Thank you guys for having us over.

Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, this is fun, couples night.

Chandler: Yeah, I don't know why we hang out with married couples more often.

Monica: Well, because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.

Chandler: You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it. (she shrugs)

Ross: (entering) Hey, you guys... I have great news.

Monica: Ross, we're kind of in the middle of diner here.

Ross: Oh, well, er, I already ate, but sure...! (they all look at each other when Ross grabs a plate) Guess what happened at work today...

Chandler: A dinosaur died a million years ago?

Ross: Try sixty-five million years ago, and then try sssshhhhhh.... My tenure review board met today and I hear it's looking really good.

Phoebe: Wow!

Ross: Yeah. Do you have any idea what this means in academic circles, uh? I am gonna get laid.

Rachel: (while entering) Hi you guys.

All: Hey.

Rachel: Ooh, Italian! (she also grabs a plate)

Monica: No one wanted seconds, right?

Ross: No, no. I-I'm good.

Rachel: Hey you guys... You're never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me.

Ross: I'm up for tenure.

Rachel: Congratulations!

Ross: You too! What are the odds?

Rachel: Ooh! (they hug)

Joey: (enters) Guess what? (they all look expectantly at him) I finally got that seed out of my teeth.

Monica: I don't know who I'm happiest for...

Phoebe: I do, he's been working on that all day! (looking at Joey)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Monica and Chandler on their couch.]

Phoebe: Hey Mon? Was it weird changing your name to Geller-Bing?

Monica: No, no. It felt nice to acknowledge this. (pats Chandler on his leg)

Phoebe: Where did you go to do it?

Monica: Uhm the... the ministry... of names... bureau...

Chandler: YOU NEVER DID IT!

Monica: I'm sorry. It's just the idea of being an official Bing.

Chandler: Hey! I will have you know that... aah, who am I kidding. Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me.

Mike: (walks to the couch with coffee for Phoebe) Here you go.

Phoebe: Thanks! Honey, would you want me to take your name?

Mike: Oh, it's just... It's up to you. It's your name. You've got to live with it.

Phoebe: All right, let's see, call me mrs Hannigan.

Chandler: Mrs Hannigan?

Phoebe: What? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Ooh, I like it.

Joey: (enters) Hey guys.

Chandler: Hey Joe! We've got a couple of things we've got to check out at the new house. You want to come with us?

Joey: No, thank you.

Monica: All right. I know you're not happy about us moving, but you're the only one who hasn't seen the house.

Chandler: Yeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city.

Joey: But no, it's not close. You said it was in escrow? I couldn't even find it on the map.

Monica: Joey, please come. It would mean so much to us.

Joey: You know what? You are my friends, I wanna be supportive, I will come with you. SHOTGUN!

Chandler: Damn it.

Monica: See you guys later.

Phoebe: Okay!

Monica: (to Joey) I'll pick you up at eleven. So glad you're coming.

Phoebe: Good for you. That was really mature.

Joey: What? No, the only reason I'm going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it, so they don't move. I'm gonna make them stay here.

Mike: You're a strange kind of grown-up.

Phoebe: Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's... he's just...

Mike: Woo-wo-hey-hey-hey... Can we not talk about that right now?

Phoebe: All right, prude... Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here.

Joey: Hey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it?

(Phoebe whispers something in Joey's ear, but after hearing it he jumps up, shocked)

Joey: I AM NOT GONNA HELP YOU DO THAT! Goodbye! (he leaves)

[Scene: A restaurant. Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (to maitre d') Hi, I'm here to see mr Campbell... with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It's spelled like Gukki, which could be confusing.

Maitre d': Mr Campbell's not here yet. Let me show you to his table.

(They walk to the table, but Rachel suddenly gasps. Sitting there is mr Zellner, her boss from her current job at Ralph Lauren.)

Rachel: Oh my God! That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else.

Maitre d': I'm sorry. That's always mr Campbell's table.

Rachel: But my... but my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job.

Maitre d': I know. With Gukki

Rachel: Sssshhhh!

Mr Zellner: Rachel?

Rachel: Hi... I'm on a date...

Mr Zellner: (confused) That's great!

Rachel: Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career... You gotta get out there.

Mr Zellner: Well, you got uhm... good energy.

Rachel: Oh.

Mr Campbell: Rachel?

Rachel: Yes, hi!

Mr Campbell: James Campbell...

Rachel: Hi! (to mr Zellner) Excuse us.

Mr Campbell: Please... (shows her to sit)

Rachel: Okay. Oh, yeah... (whispering to mr Zellner) Oh he's cute!

Mr Campbell: So... your resumé is quite impressive. (Mr Zellner who sits behind Rachel shrugs)

Rachel: Wha... My resumé? I wouldn't... I wouldn't call my online dating profile a resumé.

Mr Campbell: Dating profile? I-I-I'm talking about the work resumé.

Rachel: (starts singing la la la la) Whatever happened to just singing for no reason? Huh?

Mr Campbell: Maybe people... found it weird.... So, why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren?

Rachel: What? I-I don't.

Mr Campbell: You don't?

Rachel: No, I-I-I love it there.

Mr Campbell: Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch?

(Rachel mimes and mouths to mr Campbell "That is my boss", pointing to mr Zellner)

Mr Campbell: What?

(Rachel now silently whispers "That's my boss".)

Mr Campbell: That's Hugo Boss?

(Rachel holds her hand in order to support her head. Mr Zellner obviously overheard the conversation.)

[Scene: A counter at a government building. Phoebe's waiting in line.]

Phoebe: (to the woman behind her) This place is so depressing. If I had to work here I'd kill myself. (she turns around and the clerk behind the counter heard her.) But you obviously haven't.

Clerk: How can I help you?

Phoebe: I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it because I'm-I'm hiding from the law. (the clerk shows no change in expression whatsoever) You're fun.

Clerk: You need to fill out this form. (motions for the next person in line)

Phoebe: Okay, well, I just don't, I don't know how it works exactly. See, my name is Buffay and my husband's name is Hannigan, so is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan or Hannigan-Buffay?

Clerk: It can be anything you want.

Phoebe: Well, not anything, I mean...

Clerk: Yeah... anything.

Phoebe: Oh, this could take a while.

Clerk: Get out of my line.

Phoebe: Okay.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are there when Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey Pheebs.

Phoebe: Oh, not anymore. I changed it today.

Monica: Oh, I'm sorry, mrs Hannigan.

Phoebe: Wrong again! Apparently you can change it to anything you want. So I thought, all right, here's an opportunity to be creative. So meet Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby.

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Uh! Princess Consuela.

Monica: You seriously changed your name to that?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Monica: Okay, so from now on we have to call you Princess Consuela?

Phoebe: Uhm, no. I'm gonna have my friends call me Valerie.

(Rachel enters, looking depressed)

Chandler: Hey, how'd the interview go?

Rachel: Oh! It's not good.

Chandler: You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think.

Rachel: Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.

Chandler: That is a bad interview.

Phoebe: What are you, what are you talking about? How did this happen?

Rachel: Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go, because I'm not a team player. And I said "Wait a minute! Yes I am." and I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that in fact... was true.

Monica: Oh God. I'm so sorry.

(Ross enters with a bottle in his hand)

Ross: Hey! Wha-hoo! What's this? (showing the bottle) Well it's a, it's a bottle of champagne. Why is this here?

Phoebe: Ross...

Ross: I guess it's here because I GOT TENURE!

All (except Rachel): Congratulations! (Rachel looks devastated)

Ross: This is the single greatest day of my professional career. Gunther, six glasses!

Gunther: Six? You want me to join you?

Ross: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good. (Gunther leaves, hurt) Well, I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.

Chandler: Ooh! Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla!

Ross: I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery... Hey Rach, so uh... how did your thing go?

Rachel: Oh it... good! Yeah, but I'm not gonna hear from that for a couple of days.

Ross: Oh, you know what? You're gonna get it. I-I-I-I can feel it.

Phoebe: Can you?

Rachel: Ah, all right. Here's to Ross!

Ross: And-and to years of hard work finally paying off.

Phoebe: And to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything. (Rachel mouths "aah")

Ross: But also knowing it means a lot.

Monica: But more importantly to full well-rounded lives.

Ross: ...that center around work.

Chandler: To Ross!

All (except Rachel): Ross!

(they all drink from the champagne, but clearly dislike the taste of it)

Ross: You know what the best part about this is? I can never be fired.

Phoebe: Oh God!

Ross: No seriously. I have job security for life. You know, I never have to worry. (Rachel starts crying) Oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me.

Rachel: (crying) No, it's not that. I got fired today. And I didn't get the other job.

Ross: Rach, I'm so sorry.

Rachel: Oh!

Ross: Great. I feel like an idiot.

Rachel: No, it's okay, you didn't know.

Ross: Oh... (to the others) Little heads-up would have been nice.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's future house. They enter the living room with the realtor and Joey.]

Monica: Thank you for letting us see the house again.

Chandler: And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means... I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you.

Realtor: Take as long as you want. Just let me know when you're through. (she leaves the room)

Monica: Ah, so glad you decided to come.

Joey: Me too. Yeah, this place is great. I'm so happy for you guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Fungus! Yeah. Place is full of it.

Monica: No it's not. We had an inspection and they didn't find anything.

Joey: Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason.

Monica: Maybe because it's you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here.

Joey: Maybe. So this is the living room huh? Ooh, it's pretty dark. (starts feeling around him like he's in a completely dark room, touching Chandler, who backs out and hits him)

Monica: No it's not!

Joey: (squinting his eyes) Are you kiddin'? I think I just saw a bat in the corner!

Chandler: When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?

Joey: (glares at him for a moment, then admits grudgingly) Maybe. Well, I just think you guys can do better than this house, you know? Or any other house for that matter.

Monica: Oh Joey, look, we know you're having a hard time with this, but we really, we love it here.

Joey: FINE, ok, if you love this house so much, then you should just live here, okay? I just hope you get used to that weird humming sound. (He turns his back to them and starts humming) Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Monica: Joey, we know that's you.

Joey: no... hmmmmm... it's not... hmmmmmmmmmm

[Scene: Phoebe is at Central Perk. Mike enters.]

Mike: Hey (He kisses Phoebe)

Phoebe: Welcome back!

Mike: Ah! I missed you

Phoebe: Oh, me too!

Mike: So, what's new?

Phoebe: Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay.

Mike: That's great! You changed you name?

Phoebe: Yes I did! Meet: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock! (She smiles from ear to ear)

Mike: (afraid) You're kidding right?

Phoebe: Nope.

Mike: You really did that?

Phoebe: Yep.

Mike: Yeah, but you can't do that.

Phoebe: Why? It's fun, it's different, no-one else has a name like it.

Mike: (looks at her astonished) Alright, then I'm gonna change my name.

Phoebe: Great, okay, what are you gonna change it to?

Mike: Crap Bag.

Phoebe:(not amused) Mike Crap Bag?

Mike: No, no Mike, just Crap Bag. First name Crap, last name Bag.

Phoebe: You're not serious, right?

Mike: Yeah, I'm serious. (sarcastic) It's fun, it's different and no-one else has a name like that!

Phoebe: Uhu, uhu, well, then, great. If you love it, I love it.

Mike: I do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela.

Phoebe: And I love Crap.

[Scene: Joey is in Monica and Chandler's future house, sitting in a child's bedroom, looking at a quiz card which has "5+10=" printed on one side.]

Joey: (turns the card around, obviously had the wrong answer) Ow!

(A young girl enters)

Girl: Who are you?

Joey: Oh, hi, I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house. Who are you?

Girl: I'm Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house.

Joey: (understanding) Oh.

Mackenzie: (sighs) I hate my parents.

Joey: I hate my friends. (They shake on it as if they just made a pact) Alright, look. There's gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening.

Mackenzie: Like what?

Joey: (thinking) Uhm... oh! Okay. You come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted!

Mackenzie: What are you? Eight?

Joey: Woah, uh! Okay, let's hear your great idea.

Mackenzie: I don't have any great ideas. I am eight.

Joey: (frustrated) Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean?

Mackenzie: I really don't.

Joey: What am I gonna do, I feel like I'm losing my friends.

Mackenzie: My parents say I'm gonna make new friends.

Joey: Oh, yeah, sure, easy for you, you're young. Me, I'm set in my ways.

Mackenzie: This is what my mom was talking about. Whiners are wieners. (Joey glares at her angrily) Look, you want your friends to be happy, right?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, I guess.

Mackenzie: Well, if moving here is gonna make them happy, don't you want them to do it?

Joey: (having difficulty admitting it) Yeah, maybe.

Mackenzie: Then you gotta let them go.

Joey: (In near tears, realizes she is right) I hate to admit it, but you're probably right. How did you get to be so smart?

Mackenzie: I read a lot.

Joey: (his mood changes instantly) Just when I thought we could be friends. (he leaves the room)

[Scene: Outside Ralph Lauren building. Rachel just walked out carrying a box of her stuff, and a strange man approaches her.]

Man: Hey Rach, I just heard. I'm so sorry.

Rachel: Oh, thank you... (looks at his face trying to remember his name)

Man: You still don't know my name, do you?

Rachel: (Is embarrassed for a moment, but it quickly passes) Well, now I don't have to. (The man leaves instantly)

(In the meantime, Ross is trying to squeeze and push a rather large chair through the revolving doors of the Ralph Lauren building.)

Rachel: (annoyed) Ross, what is taking you so long?

Ross: (stares at her through the door and starts pushing the chair harder, looking very annoyed. He finally manages) (sarcastic) I'm sorry, it's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway!

(Mark, approaches from behind and recognizes her)

Mark: Rachel?

Rachel: (turns around) Mark? Oh my God! (puts the box on the chair and they hug each other)

Mark: How've you been?

Rachel: I'm fantastic. You remember Ross?

Mark: Sure, sure. (To Ross) What's with the chair. (Rachel signals him not to mention she's been fired)

Ross: Uh, you know, you can't always get a seat on the subway, so... (laughs stupidly)

Mark: Clever. (back to Rachel) So how are you?

Rachel: Oh, well, (looks at her box and chair) you're not catching me on my best day.

Mark: Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say big promotion.

Rachel: No, but it's good, you know, I'm gonna take some time off and do some charity work.

Mark: Are you sure, because we may have something at Louis Vuitton.

Rachel: Well, screw charity work. What've you got?

Mark: Why don't we have dinner tonight and talk about it?

Rachel: Great! I'll call ya!

Mark: (shakes Ross' hand) Nice to see you.

Ross: Yeah! yeah, I got tenure! (Mark looks at him strangely and walks off)

Rachel: (very excited) Oh my God!

Ross: See? I told you something good would come along. And he seemed really nice. I've met him before?

Rachel: Ross! That's Mark. From Bloomingdales? You were insanely jealous of him.

Ross: (realizing) That is Mark?

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: I hate that guy.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: No, no, NO, you cannot go to dinner with him.

Rachel: What? You don't want me to get a job?

Ross: Oh yeah, I'm sure he's gonna give you a job. Maybe make you his SEXretary.

Rachel: Ugh.

Ross: I'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, okay?

Rachel: Ross, you know what? (looks over to the door and sees security staring at them) Okay, let's talk about it later, there comes security. (Takes her box and leaves. Ross follows her and then returns for the chair. He stands for a moment, then pushes it quickly in the general direction Rachel went into, and out of the camera's view, and then nonchalantly walks away)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's new house. Sitting near the window, they look at the neighborhood.]

Monica: Oh, I love this street. The trees, the big front yards, the actual picket fences.

Chandler: Man, those two dogs are going at it!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey, where have you been?

Joey: Oh, just er... you know, looking around. But you know what? This house... is great.

Chandler: Really? What changed your mind?

Joey: Oh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.

Chandler: Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago.

(Joey's eyes double in size)

Joey: (frightened) What?

Chandler: Ha! I'm just messing with you.

Joey: That's not funny! You know I'm afraid of little girl ghosts!

Monica: Joey, now that you're okay with the house, do you wanna go see your room?

Joey: What? I get my own room?

Chandler: You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you?

Joey: Oh my God! (they all hug) Oh! Hey, can I have an aquarium? And a sex swing?

Chandler and Monica: No!

Joey: Why not? I'll keep the tank clean.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are leaving.]

Mike: After you, miss Banana Hammock.

Phoebe: Thank you, mister Bag.

(a woman enters and recognizes Phoebe)

Woman: Oh hey, how are you?

Phoebe: Oh hi Rita! Good! (to Mike) Oh, Rita's a massage client.

Mike: Oh! Why don't you introduce me?

Phoebe: (shrugs) Er, Rita, this is my husband.

Rita: Oh! (they shake hands)

Phoebe: Yeah.

Mike: Why don't you tell her my name?

Phoebe: (without moving her lips, wearing a fake smile) Okay, I will. (to Rita) This is my husband Crap Bag.

Rita: Crap Bag?

Mike: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.

Rita: Okay. Excuse me...

Phoebe: Yeah... Ogh... Okay, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again?

Mike: Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.

Phoebe: How about uhm... How about Buffay-Hannigan?

Mike: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan Banana Hammock.

Mike: Do you even know what a banana hammock is?

Phoebe: It's a funny word.

Mike: It's a Speedo.

Phoebe: ...Oh crap!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey, is Rachel here?

Monica: No.

Ross: She's still at dinner?

Monica: I guess. Why? Who's she with?

Ross: That guy Mark. From Bloomingdale's... She thinks he's just being nice to her. But I know he really wants to sleep with her.

Chandler: It's seven years ago. (he looks surprised) My time machine works!

Ross: We ran into him on the street today and he said he might have a job for her. But I know he just wants to get into her pants.

Monica: So what if he wants to sleep with her? I mean, she's single and he's cute.

Chandler: Excuse me?

Monica: Oh please! Yesterday on the subway? You couldn't stop staring at that woman with the big breasts the whole time.

Chandler: For your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents.

Monica: Oh, sorry!

(She looks at Ross, a bit ashamed. Chandler mimes "big breasts" to Ross and lip syncs "Wow". Ross looks at him, astonished and then Monica looks at Chandler again. A little too late he changes the "big breasts" mime into "rocking a baby". When he realizes Monica might have seen it he also strokes his imaginary baby's head.)

Rachel: (entering) Hi you guys!

Ross: Hey, so uhm... How was dinner?

Rachel: Oh, it was great. Mark is so sweet.

Ross: (speaking without pause, agitated) Oh yeah? Yeah? I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want?

Rachel: Oh Ross, come on. He's happily married. His wife just had twins.

Ross: Should we send something?

Chandler: How did the job stuff go?

Rachel: He offered me one.

Chandler: That's great!

Ross: Congratulations!

Rachel: I know, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's so much better than what I had at Ralph Lauren. The money is great...

Ross: Can we, can we just stop for a second? Who said something better would come along, huh? You didn't believe me. I told you everything was gonna work out. (gasps) You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest.

Rachel: The job is in Paris. (they all stare at each other)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's. Joey's on the phone.]

Joey: I mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but... am I missing opportunities? You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies?

Mackenzie: (at the other end of the line) I don't know... You know what? I'm gonna put you on with my bear. Hold on. (she puts the phone at the bears ear)

Joey: Hey bear, I need some career advice.

THE END

Friends

1015 - The One Where Estelle Dies

Teleplay by: Tracy Reilly

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Flashback scene from last week, Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Rachel, Ross, Monica and Chandler are there.]

Jennifer: Previously on Friends...

Chandler: How did the job stuff go?

Rachel: He offered me one.

Ross: (gasps) You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest.

Rachel: The job is in Paris. (we see Ross stare in disbelief)

FADE OUT

Rachel: Oh, God! Please, somebody say something.

Ross: So if you take this job you'll be moving to Paris?

Chandler: Or facing a bitch of a commute.

Rachel: I know, it's huge, and it's scary, and it's... really far, far away from you guys, but this is such an incredible opportunity for me. And I've already talked to them about our situation with Emma, and they said they'll do whatever we need to make us feel comfortable.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: I mean, I'll fly back and forth, they'll fly you out... Anything we want.

Chandler: My boss said I might be getting a new lamp in my cubicle. (Monica looks at him and can't really place what he just said)

Ross: All right, we'll work it out.

Rachel: Thank you! Thank you!

Ross: Yeah, yeah! (they hug) You sure this is what you want?

Rachel: I think it is. (Ross looks very sad. Phoebe and Joey enter.)

Phoebe: Ooh, what's going on?

Rachel: I got a really incredible job offer.

Joey: Hey, great! All right!

Phoebe: Good for you!

Rachel: It's in Paris.

Joey: What? No, no, no! No, no... no... no, no... No, too much is changing, okay? First, Phoebe getting married (to Phoebe) Congratulations! (pointing to Monica and Chandler)... and then these two move into a stupid house in the stupid suburbs...

Monica: Hey, this afternoon you said you'd be supportive...

Joey: Well, it comes and goes. I wouldn't trust it.

Rachel: Look, you guys... this is really, really important to me. And it means a lot if you could try to get on board.

Phoebe: Of course we can. Congratulations. (they hug, but Joey shakes his head.) Yay! (she gestures Joey to come and join in) Joey...

Joey: No, no, no. My hugs are reserved for people STAYING IN AMERICA.

Rachel: (walking towards Joey) Joey, it would mean so...

Joey: Hey! No! Get your France-going-arms away from me. (He walks out, and Rachel follows him)

Rachel: Joey...

Phoebe: You okay with this?

Chandler: Well, it makes me feel sad, but...

Phoebe: Talking to Ross.

Chandler: I see.

Ross: Well, Rachel moving to another country? Not being able to see her every day. How can I be okay with this?

Monica: I know, but what are we gonna do? She really needs this job.

Ross: Do you think if the Ralph Lauren people offered her her old job back, she would take it?

Monica: How is that gonna happen?

Chandler: Is this the best way to use one of your three magic wishes?

Ross: I don't know. I could talk to her boss. Yeah! I met him at that Christmas party. We really hit it off.

Monica: You mean the guy who kept calling you Ron?

Ross: I didn't say we were brothers.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's reading a newspaper. Chandler and Monica walk in.]

Monica: Hey Phoebe. Hey, tell me what you think. All right. The house next door to the one that we're buying in Westchester? Just went on the market. I wanna take a look at it, but Chandler doesn't.

Chandler: We close escrow tomorrow, so seeing another house can only confuse us, and we're easily confused. We're not very bright.

Monica: But what if it is better than ours? Should we at least look?

Chandler: What do you think Pheebs?

Phoebe: Well, I think that shirt makes you look like you should work at a Baskin Robbins... Anyway... Hey, isn't Joey's agent Estelle Leonard?

Chandler: Yeah.

Phoebe: She died.

Chandler: You're kidding!

Monica: That's terrible!

Phoebe: Yeah, last Saturday. Wow! She was the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic. (Chandler and Monica look puzzled) Oh, wait a minute, I read the wrong one.

Chandler: Oh yeah?

Phoebe: Yeah, she was just an agent.

Monica: Joey's gonna be *so* upset.

Chandler: I know. *He* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the Atlantic.

Phoebe: Well, we cannot tell Joey about this. He's already flipping out about everything that's changing. This will push him over the edge.

Monica: Seriously, you don't think we should tell him?

Phoebe: Well, not for a little while. Let's just give him a few days to get used to everything else.

Monica: What if he reads it in the paper?

Chandler: Unless Snoopy says it to Charlie Brown, I think we're okay.

[Scene: Ralph Lauren. Mr Zelner's office. Ross knocks on the door and enters.]

Mr Zelner: May I help you?

Ross: Yeah, I'm a friend of Rachel Green's. Uhm, actually we met at the Christmas party about two years ago.

Mr Zelner: Oh right, uhm, Don?

Ross: Close. Ron. (shakes hands)

Mr Zelner: Uh... What can I do for you?

Ross: Uhm, well... I'm here to see if you'll give Rachel her job back.

Mr Zelner: Ah, did she ask you to come here and do this?

Ross: Oh, no. At first I have to get you to agree. Then we'll see if she wants to come back.

Mr Zelner: Wow, that is tempting.

Ross: Look, she loved her job here. And let's face it: you're not gonna find anyone who did it as well as she did it. Isn't that true?

Mr Zelner: She is good!

Ross: (surprised) Huh, I took a shot there.

Mr Zelner: But I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do... Ah, it's not true, there is... nothing I want to do.

Ross: I see... Thanks very much. (he gets up and walks to the door. On his way out he looks at the photographs Mr Zelner has near his door. He picks one up.) Is this your son?

Mr Zelner: Yeah, his name is Ross. (Ross looks very surprised) What?

Ross: Oh, nothing, it’s just, it’s close to Ron. Does he.. Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?

Mr Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why?

Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. (Mr. Zellner looks shocked). I just heard it as you must have heard it and that’s not good. Let me start again. I’m a paleontologist, you’ll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones… fossils!

Mr Zelner: You can really arrange that?

Ross: You let Rachel come back, and it’s done.

Mr Zelner: Well, I guess having Rachel back wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Ross: Yeah! Yes! Thank you! This is great. Thank you so much. And I swear, your kid is going to have the time of his life.

Mr Zelner: That’s great. I worry about little Ross. He’s always reading, he's collecting rocks and he’s obsessed with dinosaurs.

Ross: He’ll be fine.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe’s reading, Joey has just entered the room]

Joey: Hey Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hey. Everything ok?

Joey: I’m just mad at my agent.

Phoebe: Estelle? Why?

Joey: There’s a part in a TV movie that I would be perfect for and I didn’t even be put up for it! She’d better have a good reason.

Phoebe: I’m guessing she does.

Joey: Well (taking his cell phone out of a pocket) I’m wanna hear it, because she keeps doing this.

Phoebe: Well, no, no, wait, wait, wait. All right, I gotta go. Just listen. Promise me, that you will wait a minute before you call her.

Joey: Ok. Why?

Phoebe: Because a promise between friends means never having to give a reason. (she leaves)

Joey: I love that saying!

(Phoebe is outside, taking her cell phone out of her bag and making a call. Joey is inside, and his mobile phone starts ringing).

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe (doing Estelle): Joey, it’s Estelle.

Joey: I was just gonna call you! That’s weird.

Phoebe-Estelle: It’s a little coincidental, but believable. (Joey nods in agreement). Listen, I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t get you an audition for that TV movie.

Joey: Yeah, actually I am!

Phoebe-Estelle: I guess I dropped the ball there. Whoopsie!

Joey: That’s it? You know, it seems all you do lately is drop the ball.

Phoebe-Estelle: Don’t take that tone with me. Who you think you are? Alan Lemond, the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic?

Joey: No, no, look. All I’m saying is that you’re my agent, ok? And you’re not getting me into any auditions and I’m tired of it.

Phoebe-Estelle: What are you saying?

Joey: I’m saying that… (pause). This isn't working for me anymore, ok? Estelle, you’re fired. Goodbye. (he hangs up the phone).

Phoebe: Man, tough week for Estelle!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Rachel’s there and Ross enters the room with a stuffed dinosaur]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Emma left her stuffed t-rex at my house. You know she can’t sleep without it.

Rachel: Oh, well, she’s asleep now. Stop forcing that thing on her.

Ross: Ok.

Rachel: Oh, you’re not gonna believe what happened to me today! Ralph Lauren called, and gave me my job back!

Ross: Nooo!

Rachel: Yee. I mean, it was so weirdest thing. They fired me and then out of nowhere they just hire me back! I mean, that place must have been falling apart without me.

Ross: So, you’re not going to Paris.

Rachel: No, I’m still going.

Ross: Wh… wh…what?

Rachel: When the Louis Vuitton people found out that Ralph Lauren wanted me back, the offered me more money! Isn’t that great?

Ross: Yeeeah! (They high-five)

[Scene: house next to the one the Bings are moving into. Chandler and Monica knock, a lady opens the door.]

Monica: Hi. We’re buying the house next door, and we were wondering if we could just take a look around.

Lady: Oh, sure. I’m showing it to someone else right now, but please, look around.

Monica: Thanks.

Chandler: It feels like we’re cheating on our house. And if we’re gonna cheat, shouldn’t it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won’t do?

Monica: Ours is so much better! This living room is smaller, the dining room looks like a cave! What a hole!

Lady: So? What do you think?

Monica: Love it!

Lady: Well, we already have one offer on it, and I think the lady upstairs is goning to make another one.

Monica: They could be our neighbors, what are they like?

Lady: Oh, the woman upstairs is very nice. She and her husband have two kids, he's on Wall Street and she…

Janice: Oh my God!

(Chandler and Monica are speechless).

Chandler (to Monica): Sure.

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. He’s there and Phoebe comes in.]

Phoebe: Hey Joey, want come with me to… are you ok?

Joey: Yeah, I just… I just feel bad about firing Estelle. This is got to be killing her.

Phoebe: No, that wouldn’t kill her. Ordinary embolism might.

Joey: I don’t know. She’s got to be taking it hard, I was like her only client. Except for this guy who eats paper. And I’m guessing he eats more money than he makes. Look, I know she’s not a great agent, but she did stick with me for ten years. I’m gonna call her and hire her again.

Phoebe: No, no, no! Don't call her! You wait for her to call you (Joey considers it)

Joey: Why?

Phoebe: Because patience is the road to understanding (she thinks) which ... is the key... to a happy heart.

Joey: (impressed) You blow me away.

Phoebe: (picking up her bag) All right, so promise you're gonna wait for her to call you?

Joey: I promise. And that means, never having to give a reason. (Phoebe stops herself from laughing and leaves)

[Scene: The house Monica and Chandler are viewing. Janice comes down the stairs.]

Janice: What a small world!

Chandler: And yet I never run into Beyonce!

Realtor: You two know each other?

Janice: Oh, we go way back. Before Monica made an honest man out of him, Chandler used to be my little love muffin! (does her irritating laugh). So? Are you guys thinking of getting this house too? Ooh! Are we gonna have a bidding war? I'd better warn you, I'm a toughie (playfully punches Chandler, who tries to get away from her)

Chandler: (at Janice's punching) Don't, don't! (looks disgusted)

Monica: No, actually, we're buying the house next door. (Janice gasps)

Chandler: (To Monica and with bulging eyes) Why!?

Monica: (looks confused and scared) I don't know why.

Janice: Ooh, that decides it then. I was on the fence. But knowing that you two would be our neighbors? Ah! now we have to get it! (Chandler and Monica are utterly shocked) Ellen, we're going to talk numbers. (Grabs Ellen by her elbow and pulls her outside)

Chandler: This can not be happening!

Monica: Okay, the realtor said another couple made an offer. Maybe the Janice's won't get it! Maybe the other couple will.

Chandler: The only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the Hitlers.

Monica: (Thinks a little more) Okay, Okay, (clapping her hands) All right. What if we got both houses? Huh? We can turn this house into a guest house.

Chandler: That is a great idea! And by the way, I don't mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!?

Monica: Okay, you come up with an idea.

Chandler: Alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. We can still get out.

Monica: But we love our house.

Chandler: Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and (apes Janice's voice) "Oh My God"!

Monica: Okay, but if we don't get this house, she's stil gonna show up wherever we go! I mean, at least if she's here, it eliminates the element of suprise. I mean, never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body. (She shows this with her index finger, mimicking it pushing something up)

Chandler: (looks afraid, but at the same time, knows she's right) Well, we have to do something. We can't have her living next door. (Janice's laughs loudly outside) Oh, that does it too. (Motions with his index finger like Monica did)

[Scene: Mr. Zellner's office. There is a knock on the door.]

r Zelner: Who is it?

Ross: (enters) It's me. Ron. (Mr. Zellner looks annoyed) Look, I um, I now Rachel turned you down but I think there is a way you might be able to get her to come back.

Mr Zelner: This may surprise you, but re-hiring fired employees, is not my main job.

Ross: Just hear me out. How would you feel about offering her a raise? (looks hopeful)

Mr Zelner: (obviously amused) Not good, Ron.

Ross: Perhaps I can persuade you. What if you can give your son this (Takes a huge egg out of his back) genuine pterodactyl egg (whispers) replica.

Mr Zelner: (Takes a long look at the egg while he considers it) Wow, that's pretty cool (Takes the egg from Ross)

Ross: Huh? So? We have a deal?

Mr Zelner: Okay, you got it.

Ross: Yes! yes!

Mr Zelner: This is gonna make me very popular.

Ross: Oh, (grins) Believe me, the ladies, they love it!

Mr Zelner: (looks at Ross, for a long moment, confused) I meant with my son.

Ross: Good, 'cause the ladies, not so much. (shakes his head, give him a thumbs up and leaves)

[Scene: Joey's apartment. He walks in reading his mail, and plays back his messages on the answering machine]

Answering machine: Joey, this is Al T. Booker, (Looks annoyed that he called him) the guy who eats paper. I'm sure you've heard that Estelle passed away. (Looks shocked) I wanted to let you know there's a memorial for her at the Westside chapel, tomorrow at ten. Hope you can make it.

Joey: Oh my God. (Still in shock when his mobile rings, he picks it up) Hello?

Phoebe: (on the other side of the line, still pretending to be Estelle) Joey, it's Estelle. (Joey's eyes bulge up, he looks afraid)

Joey: Estelle?

Phoebe: Yeah, I wanted to call and tell you that there's no hard feelings for firing me.

Joey: (still scared) Ok-ay. I just, I can't believe you're calling me?

Phoebe: Well, I didn't think I should just drop by...

Joey: No, no, no! (Starts looking around the room, terrified) Don't drop by, don't drop by!

Phoebe: Anyway, you did what you had to do. I'm okay.

Joey: Can I ask you something? Uhm, what's it like there?

Phoebe: (Looks around) It's alright. Look kiddo, I gotta go. Good luck with the career. You're gonna be huge.

Joey: Thanks for everything Estelle. Bye. (Hangs up and reads the phone display) "out of area". Boy, I'll say.

[Scene: The house next door to Chandler and Monica's new house. Chandler is pacing worriedly through the living room when Janice enters.]

Janice: Well... I just talked to Sid, we are definitely putting in an offer on the house... a-a-and I'll bet we get it.

Chandler: The Hitlers will be so disappointed.

Janice: All right, I got to run. Tell Monica I say goodbye. And... I'll see you later, neighbor. (Janice laugh)

Chandler: Wait! I just want you to know that... I'm so happy you're going to be here.

Janice: Oh, me too... (laughs)

Chandler: Because... that way... we can pick up where we left off.

Janice: Huh?

Chandler: I never stopped loving you.

Janice: Oh... my...

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein.

Janice: Chandler, what are you talking about?

Chandler: Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing.

Janice: I don't know what to say... I mean, you know, obviously we have this... heat between us.

Chandler: (stunned) Obviously.

Janice: But I love my husband. And I know you love your wife. Now, I don't think we should get this house now.

Chandler: Don't say that. Don't tangle the dream and take it away.

Janice: Chandler, one of us has got to be strong.

Chandler: I understand.

Janice: Although, maybe just... one last moment of weakness... (she kisses Chandler flat on the mouth. Chandler squirms. When she's finished, he looks at her lovingly but uneasily.) Goodbye Chandler Bing. (She leaves)

Chandler: (speaking as in pain) They're never coming down now.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is working on his laptop when Rachel enters with Emma.]

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: You are never going to believe what happened to me today.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Ralph Lauren called again and they offered me more money.

Ross: They did?

Rachel: Yeah. It was the weirdest thing. Zelner called me and he said we'll do everything we can to get you back. And that I should thank some Ron... I don't even know what department that guy's in.

Ross: So, what are you gonna do?

Rachel: Well, I took it.

Ross: That's great! So you're staying in New York!

Both: YAY! WHOO! YAY!

Ross: You're excited, right?

Rachel: (hesitant) Ye-ah. Yeah! You know, the money's great. It's certainly the easier choice...

Ross: Right!

Rachel: Yeah, you know, was I looking forward to going to Paris? Sure. You know, was I excited about working in the fashion capital of the world? Ooh, absolutely... Oh...! Yeah, but you know, this is... it's fine. I'm fine going back to a job where I've pretty much gotten everything out of that I possibly can... (she sits down, and Ross who is stunned to hear all this follows her example)

Ross: Uhm, I hadn't no you... I had no idea you were so excited about Paris. Uhm, I mean, you said you were scared.

Rachel: Well yeah, but I mean, it was good scared though, you know? Like when I-moved-to-New-York scared. Or uhm, when I-found-out-I-was-gonna-have-Emma scared... But this is... fine. This is gonna be good. (they both stare around)

Ross: (after a long pause) You should go.

Rachel: What?

Ross: It's what you want. You should go.

Rachel: You really think so?

Ross: I really do.

Rachel: But I already told Zelner that I would come back...

Ross: (picks up a skull of some carnivore from his side table and puts it in the same bag in which he brought the pterodactyl egg to Zelner) I'm sure he'll understand.

Rachel: All right. ALL RIGHT! I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go to Paris.

Ross: Yeah...

Rachel: Yeah! I'm going to Paris. Thank you, Ross!

Ross: Yeah, yeah, oh! (They hug)

Rachel: Oh! Oh, I'm so happy.

Ross: Then I'm happy too. (They're still hugging - fade out)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Estelle's memorial service. Joey is giving a speech. Next to him is a blown op photograph of Estelle behind her desk and there's a man standing next to him.]

Joey: Thank you all for coming. We're here today to pay respects to a wonderful agent and a beautiful woman... (Joey looks at the photograph) ..inside. As Estelle's only two clients we would like to say a few words. (Joey looks for his notes. The man next to him is chewing something.) Dude, where's my speech? (the man swallows something and looks at Joey.) That is entertaining. Al Zebooker everybody. (he applauds and Al shows that there's nothing left in his mouth.)

THE END

Friends

1016 - The One With Rachel's Going Away Party

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller

Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

Final check by Kim

[Scene: Joey's place. Rachel and Joey are talking]

Joey: All right, all right, all right, let's play one more time, ok? And remember, if I win you do not move to Paris.

Rachel: Ok! Can't believe I'm risking this again, but you're on! All right Joe, you remember the rules! Heads I win, tails you lose.

Joey: Just flip!

Rachel (she flips the coin): Ha, tails!

Joey: Damnit!

(Chandler and Monica enter the room)

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: So we thought we'd throw you little going away party around seven.

Rachel: Oh, that sounds good!

Monica: Hey, Rach, you're leaving tomorrow, shouldn't you be packing?

Rachel: It's all done!

Monica: Oh, yeah, right! And after I took a shower this morning I just threw my towel on the floor! Oh God, it hurts to even joke about it.

Rachel: I know... Honey, seriously, I did it all. The luggage that I'm taking is in the bedroom, this is Emma's Paris stuff, these are the boxes that I'm having shipped, and that's the sandwich that I made for the plane...

Monica: Ok, so you've done some good work! (pause) What about your carry-ons?

Rachel: Oh, well. Everything that I need (she takes her bag) is in here and my travel documents are on the counter organized in the order that I will be needing them.

Monica: Oh my God! I have nothing left to teach you! (they hug)

Chandler: Where's your passport?

Rachel: It should be right next to my plane ticket.

Chandler: Well, it's not.

Rachel: What? Maybe I put it in here (she opens her bag). Oh, oh, it's not in there! Oh, no! I must have packed it in one of these boxes!

Monica: Here, let me help you. (they both start opening boxes)

Rachel: Shoot. Oh, I can't believe I did this!

Chandler (to Joey): At what point did it stop being funny that I took her passport?

OPENING SEQUENCE

[Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and Erica are talking about the baby, and Monica is rubbing Erica's tummy.]

Monica: Oh, wow, can you believe you're like three weeks away?

Erica: I know.

Monica: You don't mind me touching your belly, do you?

Erica: No, I don't mind you touching my belly, but right now your hand is kind of blocking the part where the baby is gonna come out.

(She takes her hand off Erica. Ross enters the room)

Ross: Hey!

Erica: Hi.

Ross: Hey Erica, welcome back to town! (pause) Wow, look how big you've gotten.

Erica: That's because I'm pregnant!

Ross: Right, no, I understand.

Erica: Oh, ok. I'm just always afraid that people think I'm just fat with big breasts.

Ross: No, no, I knew (he stares at her breasts).

Monica (to Ross): Okay, well, stop staring at them.

Ross: She brought them up! (pause) I didn't realize you were coming back so soon!

Erica: Hey, well, in a couple of weeks I won't be able to travel.

Monica: Yeah, and I wanted her to get to know the doctors and get settled into the hotel.

Ross: Hotel? Why isn't she staying with you guys?

Monica: Because we're moving in a couple of days and it just didn't make sense.

Erica: Plus hotels are fun! My room has this little fridge full of free snacks!

Ross: Erica, those things aren't free. In fact they have one of the highest mark-ups of any consumer product...

Monica: Ross! She's giving us her baby. She can eat you if she wants.

Erica (standing up): I'll be right back.

Ross: Oh man, I can't believe you guys are leaving this place.

Monica: Oh, I know. I know. Hey, you know, you can take it if you want! The lease is still in Nana's name.

Ross: No, no. This will always be your place. It would be too sad. Plus, how much a month does it cost to feed Joey?

Monica: Yeah, it takes two incomes.

Ross: Hey, is Chandler here? We talked about catching a movie.

Monica: Oh, no. He doesn't have time for that. But if you want, you can go help him and Joey pack up the guest room.

Ross: Mhm, (he balance things) packing - sexy cheerleader comedy.

Monica: Mhm, helpful brother - creepy loner at teen movie.

(Ross takes the tape roll she's handing him and walks to the guest room while mocking Monica's voice)

[Scene: Guest room. Joey has his head wrapped in bubbled wrap and Chandler is punching him. Ross enters the room.]

Ross: What are you guys doing?

Joey: Try it, I can't feel a thing! (Ross starts punching him too)

Monica (enters the room): Are, are you kidding? This is packing?

Chandler: We're taking a break!

Monica: From?

Chandler: Jumping on the bed?

Monica: All right, Rachel's party is in a couple of hours and there's a lot to do. Now, Ross, you got Geller blood, you're in charge of these yahoos!

Ross: You got it! (Monica leaves, Ross closes the door). All right, she's right, we gotta get serious. (He grabs a bag of styrofoam peanuts) Let's put styrofoam peanuts down his pants and kick him!

Chandler: No, no, no, guys. She's right. We should get to work. I'll take stuff out of the closet, Joey you pack 'em and Ross you re-pack whatever Joey packs.

(Joey takes the bubble wrap off his head)

Joey: You guys hear a ringing?

Chandler: (holding a pair of furry handcuffs) What the hell is this?

Joey: Hey! Handcuffs! And fur line, nice! I didn't know you guys had it in ya!

Ross: Chandler, you don't have a sister so you can't understand how much this bums me out.

Chandler: I didn't know Monica had these!

Joey: Mhm, maybe she used them with another boyfriend. Maybe Richard!

Chandler: Why would she use them with Richard and not me? I can be kinky! I once did a naked dance for her... with scarves!

Ross: Bumming hard, guys, bumming hard.

[Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe and Ross enter the room.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey! Where's Mike?

Phoebe: Oh, he has a gig. I kinda like being married to a rock star, you know. My husband has a gig.

Ross: Yeah? Yeah, where is it?

Phoebe: Oh, he's playing organ for a children's roller-skating party.

Ross: Rock on!

Phoebe (watching the food on the table): Wow, this is quite a spread! (pause) What is all this stuff?

Monica: Well, I thought this would be a great opportunity to use up all the food that I don't want to move to the new house with me! So, enjoy: smoke oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust, kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a questionable orange.

Joey: (entering the room) Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: Hey, where's Rach?

Joey: Oh, she's putting Emma down, she'll be over in a second.

Ross: Great.

Joey: Now it just hit her that she's leaving and she's kind of emotional so no one say anything to set her off, ok?

Monica: Yeah.

(Rachel enters the room)

Everybody: Hey Rach, hey you.

Ross: Here she is!

Rachel (crying): Hi you guys!

Joey: What did I just say?

Rachel: No, no, no. It's ok. I'm gonna be fine.

Monica: Come here, I'll make you a drink.

Ross: Oh, man! I can't believe she's actually leaving. How am I gonna say goodbye to Rachel?

Chandler: I know, she's been such a big part of my life. And it feels like when Melrose Place got cancelled. (Ross and Joey looks puzzled) I mean... oh, forget it. I miss Melrose Place!

Joey (to Ross): You know, I had a chance to stop her too!

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Who loses fifty seven coin tosses in a row? Head she wins, tails I lose. (he stops and starts realizing something) Wait a minute...

Chandler: Yes, Joe?

Joey: I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning!

Phoebe (to Rachel): You doing ok?

Rachel: Well, I've been better.

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Rachel: You guys are gonna come and visit me, right?

Phoebe: Yes! You know, in six months the Statute of Limitations runs out and I can travel internationally again!

Rachel: I'm gonna miss you so much.

Phoebe: I know.

Rachel: You know what? Uhm, I have some goodbye stuff that I wanted to say to each of you and I was gonna save it until the end of the night, but come here (they go into the guest room).

Ross: Hey, what do you think they're doing in there?

Joey: Huh, if I had to guess I'd say Rachel is putting on the bubble wrap and Phoebe is doing the punching.

[Scene: Guest room. Rachel and Phoebe are sitting on the bed.]

Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, I don't even know where to start.

Phoebe: Ok well, before you do, I know we weren't supposed to get you going away presents, (she takes something out from her pocket) but I do have something for you.

Rachel: Oh, oh. (she's holding the present, a transparent bag with a white stick in it). What is this?

Phoebe: It's a cotton swab with a bit of my saliva on it, so that if they perfect the cloning process while you are over there, you can use the DNA to create your own Pheebs!

Rachel: I'm gonna throw this away, but thank you so much for the gesture!

[Scene: Monica's apartment. The living room.]

Monica: Chandler? I was just in our bedroom and I found these (she holds the furry handcuffs) on my pillow.

Chandler: Oh, yes. I decided to leave these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna engage on a little light bondage and moustache play!

Monica: What are you talking about? These aren't mine.

Chandler: Oh yeah, right! Good luck getting another scarf dance from me!

Monica: That would be a terrible punishment. But, I'm serious, I've never seen these before.

Chandler: Really? Then what are they doing in our guestroom?

Monica: Rachel used to live in that room.

Chandler: Rachel... with handcuffs! Interesting! (he looks excited)

Monica: Joey's bare ass!

Chandler: (he doesn't look excited anymore). Well played.

(Phoebe and Rachel enter the living room.)

Rachel: I love you Phoebe.

Phoebe: I love you too. (they hug) Please don't... Don't turn into... you know... French bitch! (they hug again)

Rachel: All right. Well, if I gonna do this, I'd better keep going.

Phoebe: Ok.

Rachel: Ok. Monica?

Monica: Yeah?

Rachel: Can you come here with me for a minute?

Monica: Sure.

Phoebe: (to Monica) Are you wearing waterproof mascara?

Monica: No.

Phoebe: Oh, you're so screwed. (Monica goes into the guest room)

Ross: (to Phoebe) Hey. What was that all about?

Phoebe: She's gonna say goodbye to each of us individually.

Ross: Are you kidding? Oh my God...

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, it's gonna be even worse for you... God... Ross, get ready to do some serious crying.

Ross: Oh, man, I'm not going to be able to handle this. (pause) Now I know how my students feel at the end of each year. And why they act out by giving me such bad evaluations.

[Scene: The guest bedroom. Rachel and Monica are talking to each other.]

Rachel: Mon... Okay... I've gotta... just say what it is I'm gonna say... None of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last ten years, would have happened if it wasn't for you. No-one has been more like a sister to me...

Monica: I know what you mean. You're like a sister to me too.

Rachel: (starts crying and speaking at the same time, making it almost impossible to understand what she's saying) I wouldn't know what I'm gonna do without you...

Monica: (having the same problem) You're the best friend I ever had.

Rachel: (says something that cannot be understood)

Monica: What?

Rachel: I... I... I... (again saying something that cannot be understood)

Monica: That is so sweet. (they hug)

[Scene: Back to the living room. Monica and Rachel enter and hug each other. The guys see this.]

Ross: (to Joey) Oh no, she took down Monica... And I'm the crier in the family. Oh God! I could be next. Maybe she won't talk with me if it looks like we're deep in converstation. Oh, so that thing you said about the thing. It really made me think about that other thing.

Chandler: Uh, Rach?

Ross: Well it's okay. Chandler is talking to her.

Joey: I really made you think about that thing uh?

Chandler: (to Rachel) Uh, Rach... I think I have something that belongs to you. (shows her the cuffs)

Rachel: (laughs) Oh, I'm sure gonna miss pretending to laugh at your weird jokes that I don't get.

Chandler: No, no, no... They're really yours. We... found them in your old room.

Rachel: Well, these aren't mine. Maybe Monica used to use them with...

Chandler: Don't say Richard! Well, if they're not Monica's and they're not yours, then whose are they?

Rachel: Well, I think you're forgetting the kinkiest former resident of that room.

Chandler: Pheebs!

Phoebe: (from the other side of the room) Yeah!

Chandler: I think these are yours.

Phoebe: These are not mine... Look how flimsy they are, come on! Good God! You try to hang a guy from a waterpipe with these, they'll snap like a piece of licorice.

Rachel: (to Chandler) Can I talk to you alone for a minute?

Chandler: Sure. (to Phoebe) You don't really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you?

Phoebe: Where do you think Mike really is? (she giggles, Chandler looks aghast)

[Scene: The guest bedroom. Chandler and Rachel.]

Rachel: Oh honey...

Chandler: Let me just say something... Because once we get into this, I'm gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke... I just want to say that I... I love you... And, I'm gonna miss you. And I'm so sad that you're leaving.

Rachel: (all mushy) Oh, you know what? Let's not say anything else. I love you. (they hug)

Chandler: Ooh, not so tight... (blows raspberry, and the hug ends) I'm sorry, just give me one more chance.

Rachel: Okay. Oh...

(Chandler blows raspberry again)

Rachel: Oh!

Chandler: I'm sor... Just go. Just go. I can't, I can't.

[Scene: Monica's living room. We look outside to the balcony where Rachel is saying goodbye to Joey.]

Monica: (to Ross) So, I guess you're next. You're ready?

Ross: I don't think so.

Chandler: Oh, you're definately not. I haven't cried like that in years.

Monica: You cried yesterday at the six o'clock news.

Chandler: That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic.

Ross: God! I can't believe she saved me for last. (looking out to the balcony) Why are they taking so long?

Phoebe: I don't know. But, God, Joey seems to be handling it suprisingly well.

(Rachel and Joey hug, and Rachel turns to enter the apartment through the side window again. At that moment Joey tries to climb over the edge of the balcony.)

All: No, no, no, no!

(Rachel rushes back and pulls Joey back onto the balcony, and takes him inside.)

Ross: Okay, here we go...

Rachel: Oh... (holding Ross's shoulder) Well...

Ross: Yeah...

Rachel: I think I'm gonna take off. (pats Ross on his back, but he looks very surprised)

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: Oh, you guys. This was an amazing night. Thank you so much. I love you. Good night.

(She leaves the apartment and they all stare at Ross)

Ross: What? I don't get a goodbye?

Joey: (still very emotional) Lucky bastard!

[Scene: Monica's apartment continued... Phoebe, Chandler, Monica and Joey are sitting down and Ross is pacing up and down.]

Ross: Unbelievable. She says goodbye to everyone but me.

Monica: Well, maybe she thought that with all of your history it could be, you know, implicit.

Ross: Well, it needs to be plicit.

Joey: All right, let's think about this. I mean, there's got to be an explanation. Uh... did you do anything to make her mad?

Ross: No, I don't think so.

Phoebe: You know, maybe she was just really spent from our talk. It was pretty intense.

Monica: Yeah. Mine too.

Chandler: Mine was a humdinger

Ross: (annoyed) O-kay... I mean, don't I deserve anything? I mean, a few tears, a cursory hug? (Joey gives Ross a hug) NOT FROM YOU! (Joey lets go)

Phoebe: Ross, if you're this upset, you should go and talk to her.

Monica: And say what? "You owe me a goodbye", I mean, he's got more pride than that.

Ross: THE HELL I DO!

(Ross takes big steps leaving for Joey and Rachel's apartment, where Rachel is going through her papers.)

Ross: I don't get a goodbye?

Rachel: What?

Ross: (talking agitated and angry) Everyone gets a goodbye but me? What have I got to do to get a goodbye, huh? Be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have a baby with you? Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, I did all those things.

Rachel: Ross...

Ross: Oh no, maybe it's me, I'm just not giving you enough credit. Uh, I mean it is difficult to say goodbye to five people. Uh, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, good... (makes choking noises) IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. You know what? After all we've been through, I can't believe this is how you want to leave things between us. Have a, have a good time in Paris. (He leaves the apartment. Rachel looks kind of desperate.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. The others are still there.]

Monica: I hope Ross isn't too upset.

Joey: I'm sure he's not more bummed out than I am.

Phoebe: Tell me about it.

Chandler: Well, you can't say we don't know how to throw a party.

Phoebe: All right, I think I'm gonna head out.

Monica: Uh, where do you think you're going?

Phoebe: I thought I was going home to go to bed, but I'm sensing there's something less fun for me to do here.

Monica: We're moving in a couple of days and we've got a lot of packing to do. It would be great if you guys could pitch in.

Chandler: Joey and I can finish up in the guest room.

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, good idea. (he mimes hitting his head with his fist)

Monica: Oh no! You and Phoebe are gonna help me in here.

Chandler: (to Joey) You couldn't be cool. (he goes to the guest bedroom)

Monica: Okay, we're gonna start in the kitchen. Plates get put into plate protectors and stacked ten to a box. The silverware gets bundled in rubber bands and then bubble wrapped. Got it?

Phoebe and Joey: Yeah.

Monica: Good! Now I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember, if I am harsh with you, it is only because you are doing it wrong.

Chandler: Hey Mon, I think I figured out whose handcuffs they are.

Monica: You did? How?

Chandler: Well, I was cleaning out the closet and I found some pictures of them... being used.

Monica: Oh my God! Let me see. (they all look at the pictures)

Joey: Who's that dirty old lady?

Chandler: Monica's grandmother.

Monica: Nana liked it rough!

(Erica, the pregnant girl, enters)

Erica: Hi!

All: Hey!

Joey: Come on here, have a seat.

Phoebe: How was your night?

Erica: Oh, it was okay. I went to a movie with my cousin and then out for dinner. We went to this place that had... Ooh... (she looks likes she is in pain, holding her belly) Hoo... ooh... Anyway, they had these really amazing cheeseburgers.

Monica: Erica, are you okay?

Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach aches. They come and go like every few minutes.

Monica: Oh my God!

Chandler: Relax! We just get her some antacids.

Monica: She doesn't have a stomach ache, she's in labor.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, you got to get to the hospital.

Monica: All right, Chandler get the coats. Erica let's go. Phoebe and Joey, keep packing! Oh my God we're gonna have a baby. All right. We're gonna have a baby! OH MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! Oh God, oh God, I got to sit down, I got to sit down. Ooh! (she's hyperventilating)

Chandler: Honey, it's gonna be okay.

Erica: You can do this. Just breathe.

Monica: Okay, okay... Okay, I feel a little better.

Erica: (in pain) Ooh! Are you sure?

Monica: Oh... Yes, I'm sure. Oh honey, let's go. Okay bye everyone.

(there's a lot of supportive cheers from all. Erica, Monica and Chandler leave.)

Joey: Chandler, wait, wait, wait...

Chandler: What?

Joey: If you get a second, find out where she got that cheeseburger.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel bursts in.]

Rachel: You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care?

Ross: That's what it seemed like.

Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know ONE thing about me.

Ross: Fine, then why didn't you say something?

Rachel: Because it is too damn hard Ross. I can't even begin to explain to you how much I'm gonna miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go... Okay, so if you think that I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right, there's your goodbye... Oh!

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: What?

Ross: You keep, you keep... You can't...

Rachel: WHAT?

(Ross walks over to her and starts to kiss her passionately. After a while Rachel backs out. She thinks a while and starts kissing him back.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment.]

Joey: A little more.

Phoebe: Okay. (she starts to stuff styrofoam peanuts down the front of Joey's pants.)

Joey: A little more, a little more. (she stuffs some more down his pants and Joey's assesses the how many there already are in there.) A little more... All right. Okay, all right, let's do this.

Phoebe: All right, ready?

Joey: Yeah. All right, now give me your best shot.

Phoebe: All right, here it goes...

(she knees him in the crotch. He jumps up a bit)

Joey: (in pain) Doesn't work... (he falls down on on his knees with his head on the floor)

THE END

Friends

1017-1018 - The Last One

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Directed by: Kevin Bright

Transcribed by: Kreidy

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. It's a scene from 1016 TOW Rachel's Going Away Party.]

Jennifer Aniston (V.O.): Previously on Friends.

Monica: Erica, are you okay?

Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach-aches. They come and go like every few minutes.

Monica: Oh my God!

Chandler: Relax! We'll just get her some antacids.

Monica: She doesn't have a stomach-ache. She's in labor!

Chandler: Oh my God!

[Cut to Ross's apartment. Ross and Rachel are there. It's another scene from 1016 TOW Rachel's Going Away Party.]

Rachel: So if you think I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me.

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: What?!

(He walks over and kisses her. They pull back, Rachel looks at him, and they kiss again.)

[Scene: Ross's bedroom. Rachel is putting on her shoes as Ross shows up from underneath the covers.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Shh.. Go back to sleep. I have to go home.

Ross: Oh. This was amazing.

Rachel: It really was. You've learned some new moves!

Ross: Yeah, well, this guy at work gave me "Sex for Dummies" as a joke.

Rachel: Ah.

Ross: Who's laughing now?

Rachel: I know!

(They kiss.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: The delivery room at the hospital. Monica, Chandler and Erica are there. Erica is in labor, and she is breathing heavily.]

Monica: Breathe, breathe, breathe... Good.

Chandler: Next time, can I say breathe?

Monica: No, last time you said it like Dracula, and it scared her! Can I get you anything? You want some more ice chips?

Erica: No, I'm okay.

Monica: Alright, I'll be right back.

Chandler: Where are you going?

Monica: To use the bathroom.

Chandler: You can't leave me alone with her.

Monica: What?

Chandler: This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with!

Monica: What kind of social situation are you comfortable with?

Chandler: It's just that we've never spent any time, you know, alone together.

Monica: You'll be fine. Nah, you won't, but I'll be back in two minutes.

Chandler: Okay.

(Monica leaves, and Chandler closes the door. Erica just looks at him.)

Chandler: So, ah... Any plans for the summer?

Erica: I don't know. Maybe church-camp?

Chandler: Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts?

Erica: What?

Chandler: Well, it's just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both.

(Erica just looks at him like he's crazy.)

Chandler: One of life's great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there's something even more painful than those things? Like this.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters. Joey is holding a baby duck.]

Phoebe: Morning.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: What's that?

Joey: It's my house-warming present for Monica and Chandler.

Phoebe: It's a baby chick and duck!

Joey: Uh-huh. And I named them Chick Jr. and Duck Jr.

Phoebe: I did not see that coming.

Joey: Yeah, I figure they'll love it at the new house, you know? It has that big backyard. And then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that Chandler took the other chick and duck to.

Phoebe: Yes.

Joey: Yeah. It's a shame people can't visit there.

Phoebe: That is the rule, though.

(Ross enters.)

Phoebe: Guess what? You're almost an uncle!

Ross: What?

Joey: Yeah, Erica went into labor last night. Monica and Chandler are at the hospital right now!

Ross: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, and I have a definite feeling it's gonna be a girl.

Ross: Phoebe, you were sure Ben was gonna be a girl.

Phoebe: Have you seen him throw a ball?

Ross: Is Rachel here?

Joey: Uh, I think she's still asleep. Hey, hey, how did it go with you guys last night? She seemed pretty pissed at you.

Ross: Uh, we, y'know, we worked things out.

Phoebe: What's that smile? Did something happen with you two?

Ross: Hey, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but I'm also not one to have sex and shut up. We totally did it!

Joey: Oh my God. You and Rachel?

Ross: I know, it's pretty great.

Joey: So what does that mean? Are you guys getting back together?

Ross: Oh, I.. I don't know. We didn't really get to talk.

Phoebe: But do you wanna get back together?

Ross: I don't know. It was incredible. I mean, it just felt so right. When I was holding her, I mean, I never wanted to let her go. You know what? Yeah, I do. I wanna be together.

Phoebe: (screaming) YAY!

Ross: Shhh!

Phoebe: (quietly) Yay!

Joey: So, so is she still going to Paris?

Ross: Wow, I hadn't thought of that. I hope not.

Phoebe: Oh, this is like the best day ever. Ever! You guys might get back together, Monica and Chandler are getting their baby, there are chicks and ducks in the world again! Oh, I feel like I'm in a musical! (Singing) "Daa - raa... When the sun comes up, bright and beaming! And the moon comes..."

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Morning!

Phoebe: Guess we'll never know how it ends.

Joey: Okay.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey. How did you sleep?

Rachel: Good. You?

Ross: Good.

Joey: I bet you did!

Ross: Uh. Would you guys mind giving us a minute?

Joey: Sure, yeah. Will you just keep an eye on the chick and the duck?

Rachel: Chick and the duck? Didn't they die...

Phoebe: (interrupting) Dive. Yeah, they dove head-first into fun on the farm.

(Joey and Phoebe leave.)

Ross: So...

(He kisses her.)

Ross: Morning.

Rachel: You too. Last night was just wonderful.

Ross: It really was.

Rachel: I woke up today with the biggest smile on my face.

Ross: I know, me too. It was... You know, it was like one of those things you think is never gonna happen, and then it does, and it's everything you want it to be.

Rachel: Uh-huh. I know. It was just, it was just the perfect way to say goodbye. (She hugs him, and Ross looks crushed.)

[Scene: The Hospital. Erica is moaning and about to give birth. Monica, Chandler, a nurse and a doctor are there with her.]

Monica: It's just a little bit more, honey.

Erica: Help me! This hurts!

Chandler: Is it really that bad?

Erica: Uh-huh! I think it's time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse!

(Monica gives Chandler a look.)

Doctor: The baby's head is crowning.

(Monica walks down to Erica's legs to watch the birth.)

Monica: Oh! Oh my God! That is the most beautiful top of a head I have ever seen! Chandler, you have to see this!

(Chandler is standing by Erica's head.)

Chandler: I'm okay.

Monica: Chandler, you don't wanna miss this. This is the birth of your child! It's the miracle of life!

Chandler: Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle.

Doctor: Start pushing. Here we go. Here come the shoulders...

(The baby starts crying, and the doctor holds it up.)

Monica: It's a... It's a boy!

Chandler: Wow!

Erica: Is he okay?

Doctor: He's just fine.

Monica: Oh, you did it!

Chandler: (emotional) It's a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I'm gonna pretend I don't see.

Doctor: Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?

(A nurse gives Monica a pair of scissors. Monica gives it to Chandler, and they cut it together.)

Chandler: Well, that's spongy.

Monica: (to her son) Oh, hey handsome! Oh, I'm gonna love you so much that no woman is ever gonna be good enough for you! (To Chandler, on the verge of tears) Oh, we are so lucky!

Chandler: I know. He has your eyes.

(Monica looks at him.)

Chandler: I mean, I know that's not possible, but he does.

Nurse: We'll just get him cleaned up a bit.

(The doctor hands the boy to the nurse, and she walks over to another part of the room with him.)

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (To Erica) Oh my God, he's beautiful. Thank you so much.

Erica: I'm really happy for you guys.

Chandler: How do you feel?

Erica: I'm tired!

Doctor: Well, you don't have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute.

(Chandler stares at the doctor, completely shocked. Monica just freezes and turns around slowly.)

Monica: I... I'm sorry, who should be along in a what now?

Doctor: The next baby should be along in a minute.

Monica: We only ordered one!

Doctor: You know it's twins, right?

Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: The hospital. Continued from earlier.]

Doctor: I can't believe you didn't know it's twins! This has never happened before.

Chandler: Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good.

Monica: (to the doctor) Wait, did you know it was twins?

Doctor: Yeah, it's here in the paperwork we got from the clinic in Ohio.

Monica: (to Erica) Anybody tell you?

Erica: I don't think so. Although, they did mention something about two heartbeats. But I thought that was just mine and the baby's. They kept saying both heartbeats are really strong, and I thought well, that's good 'cause I'm having a baby.

Monica: This is unbelievable.

Erica: Twins actually run in my family.

Chandler: Interesting! (To Monica) Can I see you for a second?

(They walk over to the door.)

Chandler: What do we do?

Monica: What do you mean "what do we do"?

Chandler: (panicking) Twins! Twins!!

Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!

Chandler: Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one?

Monica: We can't split them up!

Chandler: Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they'll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that's a great day for everybody.

Monica: Okay, what if the person who adopts the other one is horrible?

Chandler: What if they're not? What if it's adopted by a king?

Monica: Yeah, because I hear the king is looking to adopt.

Chandler: Monica, we are not ready to have two babies!

Monica: That doesn't matter! We have waited so long for this. I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies! I don't care if the entire cast of "Eight is Enough" comes out of there! We are taking them home, because they are our children!

Chandler: (smiles) Okay. Shhh...

(He hugs her.)

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay!

Doctor: It looks like we're about ready over here.

(Monica and Chandler run back to Erica's bed.)

Doctor: Come on, Erica, start pushing again now.

Erica: Ow!

(Erica screams.)

Doctor: Here she comes!

Chandler: (shocked) She? It's a girl?

Doctor: Yeah.

Chandler: (To Monica) Well, now we have one of each! (To the doctor) And that's enough!

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe and Joey are there.]

Ross: And then she said it was the perfect way to say goodbye.

Joey: Oh my God! What did you say?

Ross: Nothing! What do you say to that?

Phoebe: Ross, you've got to tell her how you feel!

Ross: No way!

Joey: You can't just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do?

Ross: What?

Joey: Dude, I'm just trying to speak your language.

Phoebe: Ross, Rachel doesn't know that you wanna get back together. If she did, she might feel differently. She might not even go.

Ross: You really think so?

Phoebe: I'm telling you! Oh, okay! This is the part of the musical where there'd be a really good convincing song. (Singing) "Bam-bam, don't take no for an answer. Bam-bam, don't let love fly away. Bam-bam-bam-bam..."

(Rachel enters and interrupts Phoebe's song.)

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Can't a girl finish a song around here?

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hi! So I just dropped Emma off at my mom's.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: Oh, you're not taking her with you tonight?

Rachel: No, we decided that I would go ahead and set up first, and then my mom would bring Emma to Paris on Sunday.

Phoebe: Wow, eight hour flight with a one-year old? Good luck, mom.

Rachel: Are you kidding? Eight hours with my mother talking about Atkins? Good luck, Emma!

(Rachel walks up to the counter.)

Ross: Alright, you know what? You're right. I should at least tell her how I feel.

(He stands up.)

Joey: Ross, wait!

Ross: What? What?

Joey: Could you get me a muffin?

(Ross walks up to Rachel, but Gunther gets there first.)

Gunther: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah?

Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you.

(Ross is shocked.)

Gunther: I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.

Rachel: (touched) Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw.

(She kisses him on the cheek and looks over at the others.)

Rachel: Oh... Bye guys.

(Rachel leaves.)

Ross: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Unbelievable!

Joey: Hey, you know what might help?

Ross: I'm not getting you a muffin!

[Scene: The hospital. Monica and Chandler are holding the twins, while two nurses are taking care of Erica.]

Monica: Do you think they recognize each other from in there?

Chandler: Maybe. Unless they're like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day they're pushed through a vagina and they meet.

Nurse: We're going to take Erica to recovery now.

Monica: There's something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica.

Erica: Oh my God, that's just like my name!

Monica: Son of a gun, it is!

Erica: Anyway, I'm gonna go and get some rest. I'm really glad I picked you guys. You're gonna make great parents. Even Chandler.

Monica: Okay, well, bye!

Erica: Bye!

Chandler: Bye!

Monica: We'll call you!

Erica: Okay.

Chandler: Have fun at church-camp!

(The nurses take Erica to the recovery room. Monica and Chandler smile at each other.)

Monica: Oh, look at these little bunnies!

Chandler: I know! You ready to trade?

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Alright, let's see..

(They start trying to trade babies while holding one each. They have no idea how to do it, so they just shift the babies around in their arms. They give up pretty quickly.)

Chandler: We could trade later.

Monica: Yeah, I'm good.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Joey and Phoebe are there. There is a white crib decorated with balloons in the middle of the apartment. Also, there are boxes all over the apartment. Joey is working on something on the coffee table.]

Phoebe: Hey, what are you working on?

Joey: It's a... It's a "welcome home" sign for the baby.

(He holds up a white poster with huge red letters. It reads, "Welcome Home Baby." There is also a huge red stain on the left of the poster.)

Phoebe: How sweet! Oh, is that the baby?

(She points at the stain.)

Joey: No, I sat in the paint.

(Ross enters with a gift for the baby.)

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. So, did you talk to Rachel?

Ross: No, and I'm not going to.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Why not?

Ross: Because she's just going to shoot me down. You guys saw what happened with Gunther. That did not look like fun.

Phoebe: How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean, sure, he's sexy in a more obvious way. You have a relationship with her, you slept together last night.

Ross: Yeah, and she still wants to go! It's pretty clear where she is.

Joey: Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, sometimes...

(He sits down in the wet paint again.)

Phoebe: Uh, Joe?

Joey: Damn it!

Ross: Look, even if I were gonna tell her, I don't have to do it now. Okay? I'll be seeing her again. We've got time.

Phoebe: No, you don't! She's going to Paris! She is going to meet somebody. Do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It's... It's a city of Gunthers!

(Mike enters with a roll of paper in his hand.)

Mike: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! What do you have there?

Mike: Oh, I made a little something. If I had more time to work on it, it'd be better, but..

(He shows them a beautiful banner he has made. It reads, "Welcome to the World, Baby Bing.")

Ross: Oh my God! You did that yourself?

Phoebe: Honey, that's gorgeous!

Joey: You know, the baby can't read, Mike!

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi! You guys, the car-service just got here. I can't believe they're not home yet! I have to catch my stupid plane. I wanna see the baby!

Joey: Monica just called from the cab. She said they should be here any minute. And apparently, there's some big surprise.

Phoebe: Yeah, did she sound happy about it? 'Cause my friend Ethel's baby was born with a teeny, tiny beard.

(Monica enters carrying her son.)

Rachel: Oh my God!

Ross: Oh my God!

(They all walk over to see the baby.)

Rachel: Hi! Oh my gosh!

(Chandler enters carrying his daughter.)

Chandler: Hey.

(Everybody turns around.)

Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Hey.

(They turn back around to see the baby Monica's carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn't figured it out yet.)

Joey: (To Monica) Hey, so what is the big surprise?

Rachel: Oh.

(Joey stares at Chandler and Monica and finally puts two and two together. He gasps.)

Ross: Oh my God!

Rachel: What... What...

Ross: Okay, okay, awkward question. The hospital knows you took two, right?

Monica: Yes, it's twins!

Ross: Oh my God.

Joey: Oh, they're so cute! Now, what, what kinds are they?

Monica: (points at the baby she's holding) This is a boy, (points at the baby Chandler is holding) and that's a girl.

Chandler: Her name is Erica.

Rachel: Aw..

Joey: Hey, that pregnant girl's name was Erica.

Chandler: Yeah. It's a shame you two didn't get to spend more time together.

Monica: Yeah, we named the boy Jack after dad.

Ross: Aw, he's gonna be so happy.

Phoebe: Oh, Jack Bing. I love that. Ooh, it sounds like a '40s newspaper guy, you know? "Jack Bing, Morning Gazette. I'm gonna blow this story wide open!"

(Chandler and Monica carry Erica and Jack over to the crib and put them down carefully.)

Rachel: Oh my gosh. Wow, so beautiful.

Mike: (To Phoebe) I want one.

Phoebe: Oh yeah? Well, tell me which one, and I'll try slip it in my coat.

Mike: Seriously. Wanna make one of those?

Phoebe: One? How about a whole bunch?

Mike: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, we could teach them to sing, and we can be like the Von Trapp family! Only without the Nazis. Although that sounds kinda dull.

Rachel: Oh, you guys, I can't believe this. But I'll leave now, or I'm gonna miss my plane.

Monica: I'm just so glad you got to see the babies.

(They hug.)

Rachel: Me too. Oh, I'm just sorry I'm not gonna be around to watch you two attempt to handle this! Alright, I can't say goodbye to you guys again. I love you all so much.

Monica: I love you.

Chandler: I love you.

Monica: Call us when you get there.

Rachel: I will. Ross, come here.

(She pulls him over to the door.)

Rachel: I just want you to know.. Last night.. I'll never forget it.

Ross: Neither will I.

(They hug as Phoebe and Joey stare at the two of them.)

Rachel: Alright, now I really have to go. Okay. Au revoir! Oh, they're gonna really hate me over there.

(She leaves.)

Phoebe: So, you just let her go?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Hey, maybe that's for the best.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. You know? You just... Look, you gotta... You gotta think about last night the way she does, okay? Maybe, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye?

Phoebe: But now she'll never know how he feels!

Joey: Maybe that's okay. You know? Maybe, maybe it is better this way? I mean, now, now you can move on. I mean, you've been trying to for so long, maybe now that you're on different continents.. (Looks at Phoebe) Right?

(Phoebe nods.)

Joey: Maybe now you can actually do it. You know? You can finally get over her.

Ross: Yeah, that's true. Except I don't wanna get over her.

Joey: What?

Ross: I don't! I wanna be with her.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna go after her.

Joey: Yeah, you are!

Phoebe: Woo!

(Monica and Chandler look shocked as Ross goes to leave.)

Phoebe: Wait, wait! Get your coat! Get your coat!

Ross: My coat...

Joey: This is so cool!

Chandler: I have no idea what's going on, but I am excited!

Joey: But Ross, Ross. What do you, what do you think she's going to say?

Ross: I don't know, but I.. Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won't spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where - where is my coat?!

Phoebe: You didn't bring one! My cab's downstairs, I'll drive you to the airport.

Ross: Okay, guys, wish me luck.

Phoebe: Hurry!

Joey: Good luck, good luck!

(Phoebe and Ross leave.)

[Scene: The street right in front of Central Perk. Phoebe's cab is there. Ross and Phoebe run over and jump in.]

Ross: There's no seatbelt!

Phoebe: That's okay. If - if we hit anything, the engine will explode, so you know, it's better if you're thrown from the car.

(Ross looks terrified.)

Ross: Alright, alright, let's do this!

Phoebe: Okay!

(A guy comes up and gets into the backseat of the cab.)

Ross: Hey!

Man: 18th and East End.

Phoebe: I - I don't take passengers.

Man: Hey! The law says you have to accept any fare.

Ross: No, you don't understand. This isn't a real cab.

Man: Alright, I gotta report you. What's your medallion number?

Phoebe: My medallion number is, "Get out of the cab!"

Man: What?

Ross: (screaming) Get out of the cab!

Phoebe: Get out of the cab!

(The man jumps out, obviously a little scared. Phoebe drives off.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica, Chandler and Joey are there, packing the last boxes.]

Joey: Oh, hey, hey, can I give you guys your house-warming present now?

Monica: Now, that you can do.

Joey: Alright!

(Cut to Joey's apartment. Joey looks inside the cardboard box that used to be the home of Chick Jr. and Duck Jr., but they have disappeared.)

Joey: Ah... Chick Jr.? Duck Jr.? Don't hide from mama!

[Scene: Phoebe's cab. Phoebe is driving very fast, and a terrified Ross has closed his eyes.]

Phoebe: You can open your eyes now.

Ross: Are we off the bridge?

Phoebe: Yes.

Ross: Is the old woman on the bicycle still alive?

Phoebe: Yes, she jumped right back up.

(Ross opens his eyes.)

Ross: Oh my God, Phoebe, slow down!

Phoebe: Do you wanna get to Rachel in time?

Ross: Yes, but I don't wanna die in your cab!

Phoebe: You should have thought of that before you got in!

(They drive up to a toll-booth.)

Phoebe: Toll-booth.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: (screaming) Toll-booth! Four bucks. There are quarters in the glove compartment.

(Ross tries to open a plastic bag filled with quarters, but he's quite slow.)

Phoebe: Hurry!

Ross: Okay!

Phoebe: Okay.

(Phoebe tries to throw some quarters out the window, but she has forgotten to open the window, and she and Ross scream.)

Phoebe: Damn, that window is clean.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is still looking for the birds.]

Joey: Quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, quack...

(Monica and Chandler enter.)

Chandler: We were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this.

Joey: Okay, I wanted to surprise you, but for your house-warming gift, I got you a baby-chick and a baby-duck!

(Chandler grins, while Monica is less enthusiastic.)

Chandler: Really? You got us a chick and a duck?

Monica: Oh, great! Just what you want for a new house with infants. Bird feces.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, they must have jumped off the table, 'cause now they're gone!

Chandler: Oh, don't worry, we'll find them.

Monica: Actually, I'm gonna go check on the twins.

Chandler: Alright.

(Monica turns around and is about to leave when she steps on something.)

Monica: Oh God! What did I just step on?

Joey: Oh!

Chandler: It's okay, it's just an egg roll.

Monica: Oh..

Joey: You stepped on my egg roll?

Monica: I'm sorry, I didn't know to look for Chinese food on the floor.

Joey: Just put it on a plate and leave.

(She does so.)

Chandler: Okay, let's find these birds.

Joey: Alright.

(Suddenly, they hear the birds.)

Joey: Wait, wait. Do you hear that?

(They realise that the birds are in the foosball table.)

Joey: Oh! They're in the table!

Chandler: Well, that can't be good!

Joey: We gotta get them out of there!

Chandler: How?

Joey: Oh, oh! Maybe we can lure them out. You know any birdcalls?

Chandler: Oh, tons, I'm quite the woodsman.

Joey: Well, maybe we can just tip the table a little.

Chandler: Joey, wait! The ball!

Joey: Oh!

(The ball rolls into one of the goals, and Chandler and Joey listen in horror as the ball makes its way inside the table. Finally, they can hear the birds again.)

Joey: Oh God! So what do we do?

Chandler: I don't know. Maybe we can open this up somehow.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: No... It's all glued together.

Joey: Does that mean we have to bust it open?

Chandler: I don't know. Maybe.

Joey: Oh my God!

Chandler: I know! It's.. It's the foosball table.

Joey: All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like I would have said in that sci-fi movie if I'd gotten the part. "Those are our men in there, we have to get them out! Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine."

Chandler: Did that movie ever get made?

Joey: It did not.

[Scene: The airport. Ross and Phoebe run in.]

Phoebe: Ross, where are you going?

Ross: To talk to Rachel, isn't that why we took a ride in the death-cab?

Phoebe: What? What are you just gonna walk up to her at the gate? Have you never chased anyone through the airport before?

Ross: Not since my cop-show got cancelled.

Phoebe: You have to get a ticket to get past security.

Ross: What? We're never gonna make it!

Phoebe: Not with that attitude! Now, haul ass!

(They run to the ticket counter, but they get stuck behind a group of old people who are walking very slowly.)

Ross: Okay, if you could all walk slower, that'd be great.

[Scene: The gate. Rachel walks up to the man at the gate and gives him her passport.]

Gate attendant #1: (with a French accent) Madame, your passport please?

Rachel: Oh my God! I was so afraid I wasn't gonna remember any of my high-school French, but I understood every word you just said!

Gate attendant #1: Your boarding pass, please.

Rachel: Oh.

(She starts looking through her purse, but she can't find it.)

Rachel: Oh, shoot. I had it. Oh, I can't believe this.

Gate attendant #1: Madame, if you don't have your boarding pass...

Rachel: I have it, I have it, I have it. Oh, okay, I can't find it, but I remember that I was in seat 32C, because that's my bra-size.

Gate attendant #1: Madame, you must have your boarding pass..

Rachel: Okay, fine! But you know what? If I was in 36D, we would not be having this problem.

[Scene: The ticket-counter. Ross and Phoebe come running.]

Ross: Hey, I need a ticket.

Phoebe: Just one? I drive you all the way down here, and I don't get to see how it works out?

Ross: Fine, two tickets, I need two tickets.

Phoebe: We're on our honeymoon.

Ticket agent: And the destination?

Ross: I don't care. Whatever is the cheapest.

Phoebe: I'm so lucky I married you.

[Scene: The gate. Rachel is still searching for her boarding pass.]

Rachel: Oh! Shoot! Damn it! Where is it? Oh! Oh! I found it! I found it!

(She runs up to the gate and the gate attendant standing there.)

Rachel: Hah! I found it! I told you I would find it! In your face! You're a different person.

[Scene: The ticket-counter. Ross and Phoebe have their tickets and start looking at the screens in order to find the gate.]

Ross: Okay, flight 421 to Paris. I don't see it, do you see it?

Phoebe: No, did we miss it?

Ross: No, no, no. That's impossible. It doesn't leave for another 20 minutes.

Phoebe: Maybe we have the flight-number wrong. God.

(Phoebe picks up her cell-phone and calls Monica. Monica is still packing in her apartment.)

Monica: Hello.

Phoebe: Hey, it's me. Here's Ross.

Ross: What? Hey, hey, listen..

(Monica is standing by the crib, and she's looking at her babies.)

Monica: Oh my God! Ross, you wouldn't believe the cute little noises the twins are making. Listen.

(She holds the phone down to the twins.)

Ross: Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..?

Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Shoot, they were doing it before.

Ross: That's alright. Listen, listen.

Monica: Oh, wait, wait, wait! Here they go again.

(She holds down the phone to the twins again.)

Ross: Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..?

Monica: Isn't that cute?

Ross: That is precious! Listen! I need Rachel's flight information.

Monica: Oh, okay. Alright, it's flight 421. Leaves at 8:40.

Ross: Yes, that's what I have. It's not on the board.

Monica: That's what it says here. Flight 421, leaves at 8:40, Newark airport.

Ross: What?

Monica: Newark airport. Why, where are you?

Ross: JFK.

(Ross sadly hangs up the phone, while Phoebe looks at him. Cut to Rachel at the gate. She gives her boarding pass to the gate attendant, and she goes onboard. The gate attendant closes the door and locks it.)

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler are still trying to get the birds out of the foosball-table.]

Joey: (yelling) Don't worry, you guys, we're gonna get you out of there.

Chandler: And we're also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids.

(Joey picks up a hammer and a crowbar and gets ready to destroy the table.)

Joey: Okay. Here goes.

Chandler: What's the matter?

Joey: I need to say goodbye to the table first.

Chandler: I understand.

Joey: Okay. Table, you have given us so many great times. And you guys, Jordan, Victor, Joel... All of you guys. What can I say? You guys make us look good. You wanna say anything?

Chandler: I don't know. Except that, for one last time... (he touches the players as he says the following) Good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game.

Joey: Okay, here we go. I can't do it.

Chandler: Well, I can't do it either.

(Monica enters.)

Monica: Hey! Did you find them?

Joey: Yeah, they're stuck inside the table!

Chandler: We have to bust it open, but neither of us can do it!

Monica: Oh, well sure. This gotta be so hard. I'll do it. Gimme!

(Monica grabs the hammer and the crowbar and gets ready to bust it open.)

[Scene: Phoebe's cab. She's driving faster than ever before.]

Ross: Phoebe! Wow! No, no, no!

(Phoebe screams.)

Phoebe: Well, I've never gone this fast before.

Ross: Phoebe, forget it, okay? Newark is - is like an hour away. There's no way we're gonna make it in time.

Phoebe: She's got her cell, you could call her.

Ross: I am not doing this over the phone.

Phoebe: You don't have any other choice!

(She lets go of the steering wheel to get her cell-phone from her purse. Ross screams and reaches over in order to hold onto the wheel. Cut to the plane. Rachel is sitting in her seat when her cell-phone rings.)

Rachel: Hello?

Phoebe: Rachel? Oh, good. Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: (To Ross) For what it's worth, we would have caught her if we were at the right airport.

Ross: Yay.

Phoebe: Uh, Rach, hang on.

(Phoebe tries to give her phone to Ross, but he won't take it. He mouths "no.")

Rachel: Phoebe? Is everything okay?

Phoebe: Uhm, actually no. No, you've... You have to get off the plane.

Rachel: What? Why?

Phoebe: I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left Philange.

Rachel: Oh, honey, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the plane.

(The passenger in the seat next to Rachel looks at her and seems a little nervous.)

Rachel: Alright, look, I have to go. I love you, and I will call you the minute I get to Paris.

(Rachel hangs up.)

Passenger #1: Uhm, what was that?

Rachel: Oh, that was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane, because she had a feeling that there was something wrong with the left Philange.

Passenger #1: Okay, that doesn't sound good.

Rachel: I wouldn't worry about it. She's always coming up with stuff like this, and you know what? She's almost never right.

Passenger #1: But she is sometimes.

Rachel: Well...

(The passenger stands up and gets his suitcase from the overhead compartment.)

Rachel: Wait, what are you doing?

Passenger #1: Well, I can't take this plane now.

Air stewardess: Excuse me, sir, where are you going?

Passenger #1: I have to get off this plane, okay? Her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left Philange.

Rachel: Could I get some peanuts?

Passenger #2: What's wrong with the plane?

Air stewardess: There's nothing wrong with the plane.

Passenger #1: Yeah! The left Philange!

Air stewardess: There is no Philange!

Passenger #1: Oh my God. This plane doesn't even have a Philange!

Passenger #2: I'm not flying on it!

Air stewardess: Ma'am, please sit down!

Passenger #3: What's going on?

Passenger #1: We're all getting off. There is no Philange!

(Everybody walks out of the plane.)

Rachel: This is ridiculous! I...

(She notices that everybody is leaving.)

Rachel: Yeah, okay.

(Rachel leaves as well.)

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Monica has completely destroyed the foosball-table, and Chandler and Joey are holding the birds.]

Monica: Alright. My job here is done.

Chandler: That was... Impressive.

Joey: Yeah, you didn't even use the tools for most of it!

Monica: Yeah, they were just slowing me down. Alright, I have to get back to the babies. I'll see you girls later.

(Monica leaves.)

Chandler: Sorry about the table, man.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: You gonna buy a new one?

Joey: Probably not. Nah. I don't know how much I'm gonna wanna play after you go.

Chandler: Well, at least we got these little guys out.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Aww, we were worried about you! Hm. I guess I better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh?

Joey: I'm gonna miss these little guys. It was nice having birds around again.

Chandler: Hey, you know what? Maybe we should keep them here with you.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Yeah, I mean we've got a lot going on right now. And, plus, here they'd have their own room.

Joey: I could get a goose!

Chandler: You know, I - I think you're set with the poultry.

Joey: Thanks man. Did you hear that, you guys? You're gonna get to stay here! And, and it's good, you know, 'cause, 'cause now you have a reason to come visit.

Chandler: I think there may be another reason. So, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake?

Joey: Uh, lame cool guy handshake, yeah.

(They do the lame cool guy handshake. They look at each other, and then they hug.)

[Scene: The gate at the airport. The passengers are standing in line, and they're about to board the plane again.]

Gate attendant #2: Ma'am, I assure you, the plane is fine.

Passenger #2: And you fixed the Philange?

Gate attendant #2: Yes, the Philange is fixed. As a matter of fact, we put a whole lot of extra Philanges onboard, just in case.

(Rachel walks up to the gate. Cut to Ross and Phoebe who come running up to the gate.)

Ross: Where is she?

Phoebe: I don't see her.

Ross: Rachel! Rachel Green!

Phoebe: There she is!

Ross: Rachel! Rachel!

Gate attendant #2: Wow, excuse me, sir, do you have a boarding pass?

Ross: No, no, I just have to talk to someone.

Gate attendant #2: I'm sorry, you cannot go any further without a boarding pass.

Ross: No, no, no, but...

Phoebe: (screaming) RACHEL!!

(Rachel comes back to the gate.)

Rachel: Oh my God... What.. What are you guys doing here?

Phoebe: Okay, you're on.

Rachel: What? What? Ross, you're scaring me. What's going on?

Ross: Okay, the thing is..

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: Don't go.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Please, please stay with me. I am so in love with you. Please, don't go.

Rachel: Oh my God.

Ross: I know, I know. I shouldn't have waited 'till now to say it, but I'm.. That was stupid, okay? I'm sorry, but I'm telling you now. I love you. Do not get on this plane.

Gate attendant #2: Miss? Are you boarding the plane?

Ross: Hey, hey. I know you love me. I know you do.

Gate attendant #2: Miss?

Rachel: I - I have to get on the plane.

Ross: No, you don't.

Rachel: Yes, I do.

Ross: No, you don't.

Rachel: They're waiting for me, Ross. I can't do this right now, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ross: Rachel?

Rachel: I'm so sorry.

(She boards the plane.)

Ross: I really thought she'd stay.

Phoebe: I'm sorry.

(Phoebe hugs Ross.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Joey, Chandler, Monica and the twins are there. Everything has been put into boxes.]

Monica: Well, that's it. Everything's packed.

Chandler: Wow, this is weird.

Monica: I know.

Joey: Yeah. Uh, does this mean there's nothing to eat?

Monica: I put three lasagnas in your freezer.

Joey: I love you!

(He hugs her. Phoebe enters.)

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: So did you guys make it in time?

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway.

Chandler: Where's Ross?

Phoebe: He went home. He didn't want to see anybody.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross enters and checks his messages.]

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Ross, hi. It's me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane.

Ross: Oh my God!

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Excuse me?

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) Miss? Please, sit down!

Rachel: (on the answering machine) I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love love them.

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) Miss, I can't let you off the plane.

Ross: Let her off the plane!

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Oh, please, miss, you don't understand!

Ross: Try to understand!

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you can just let me off...

(The message is finished. Ross jumps over to the answering machine.)

Ross: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?

Rachel: I got off the plane.

Ross: You got off the plane.

(He walks over and kisses her.)

Rachel: I do love you.

Ross: I love you too, and I'm never letting you go again.

Rachel: Okay. 'Cause this is where I wanna be, okay? No more messing around. I don't wanna mess this up again.

Ross: Me neither, okay? We are - we're done being stupid.

Rachel: Okay. You and me, alright? This is it.

Ross: This is it. Unless we're on a break.

(Rachel gives him a look.)

Ross: Don't make jokes now.

(They kiss again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Monica are holding the twins. Joey and Phoebe are sitting by the window, while Ross and Rachel are standing together. The apartment is completely empty. Two men are carrying a large dresser.]

Monica: Okay, please be careful with that. It was my grandmother's. Be careful.

(Two other men are rolling the big white dog out of the apartment.)

Monica: If that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.

(She slips them some money.)

Ross: Wow.

Rachel: I know. It seems smaller somehow.

Joey: Has it always been purple?

Chandler: (to his children) Look around, you guys. This was your first home. And it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. But more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin' steal!

(Monica and Chandler put Jack and Erica in their stroller.)

Phoebe: Hey, do you realise that at one time or another we all lived in this apartment?

Monica: Oh, yeah, that's true.

Ross: Uh, I haven't.

Monica: Wait a minute. What about that summer during college that you lived with grandma, and you tried to make it as a dancer?

Ross: Do you realise we almost made it ten years without that coming up?

Monica: Oh, honey, I forgot. I promised Treeger that we'd leave our keys.

Chandler: Oh, okay.

(Chandler and Monica walk over to the kitchen-counter and leave their keys. Then the other four pick out their keys and leave them as well.)

Phoebe: So, I guess this is it.

Joey: Yeah. I guess so.

Monica: (crying) This is harder than I thought it would be.

Chandler: Oh, it's gonna be okay.

(Chandler hugs her. Monica hugs Ross and Rachel as Chandler gets the stroller with the twins.)

Rachel: (crying) Do you guys have to go to the new house right away, or do you have some time?

Monica: We got some time.

Rachel: Okay, should we get some coffee?

Chandler: Sure. Where?

(They all leave the apartment. Joey helps Chandler with the stroller in the hallway, while Monica and Rachel have their arms around each other. Everybody walks downstairs to Central Perk. The camera goes inside the apartment again, and it pans around. We see the keys on the counter, and the final shot is of the frame around the peephole. The screen fades to black.)

THE END

Table of Contents

The One With Two Parts, part 1

The One With Two Parts, Part 2

101 Monica Gets A Roommate

102 The Sonogram At The End

103 The Thumb

104 George Stephanopoulos

105 The East German Laundry Detergent

106 The Butt

107 The Blackout

108 Nana Dies Twice

109 Underdog Gets Away

110 The Monkey

111 Mrs. Bing

112 The Dozen Lasagnas

113 The Boobies

114 The Candy Hearts

115 The Stoned Guy

116 The Two Parts, Part I

117 The Two Parts, Part II

118 All The Poker

119 The Monkey Gets Away

120 The Evil Orthodontist

121 The Fake Monica

122 The Ick Factor

123 The Birth

124 Rachel Finds Out

201 Ross's New Girlfriend

202 The Breast Milk

203 Heckles Dies

204 Phoebe's Husband

205 Five Steaks And An Eggplant

206 The Baby On The Bus

207 Ross Finds Out

208 The List

209 Phoebe's Dad

210 Russ

211 The Lesbian Wedding

212-213 The Superbowl

214 The Prom Video

215 Ross And Rachel... You Know

216 Joey Moves Out

217 Eddie Moves In

218 Dr. Ramoray Dies

219 Eddie Won't Go

220 uld Yeller Dies

221 The Bullies

222 The Two Parties

223 The Chicken Pox

224 Barry And Mindy's Wedding

301 The Princess Leia Fantasy

302 No One's Ready

303 The Jam