Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is demonstrating a card trick.]
Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one) All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it?
Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card back, but he looks at the card before he puts it back in the deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a little while) 5 of hearts.
(Monica is sarcastically amazed.)
Ross: Real magic does exist.
Monica: Wow. Joey, (sarcastically) how do you do it?
Joey: I cant tell you that, no.
(We hear some knocking coming from the ceiling.)
Ross: Ah, somebodys at the door on the ceiling.
Rachel: Noo, thats our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.
Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything.
Phoebe: Why dont you go up there and ask him to step lightly, please?
Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.
Phoebe: Ooh, that is silly. (gets up) Ill go up there, Ill tell him to keep it down.
Monica: All right, be my guest.
Rachel: Good luck.
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, Ill show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didnt see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again) I just did it, again. Here, Ill slow it down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow motion)
All: Oh, I got it.
(We hear Phoebe knock at the door upstairs, and the guy answer it.)
Phoebe: (muffled through the floor) Yeah, look I was with my friend downstairs and we hear everything up here that you do, and I am sick and tired... (I tired but the rest is unintelligible).
Guy: (muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful.
Phoebe: (muffled) Oh, thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end?
Monica: Honey, whats the matter?
Chandler: I just saw Janice.
Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kids pretzel at them.
Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me.
Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know....
Ross: Hey Chandler, theres a party tomorrow, youll feel better then.
Chandler: Oh, y'know what, Im gonna be okay, you dont have to throw a party for me.
Monica: Its Joeys birthday.
Chandler: Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him.
(We hear Phoebes muffled voice through the ceiling.)
Monica: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there.
(We hear the guy telling a joke, and Phoebe laughing.)
Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, its supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh.
[Scene: Fortunata Fashions, Rachels new job.]
Mr. Kaplan: (entering) Hows that coffee comin, dear?
Rachel: (jumping up from reading her magazine) Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan.
Mr. Kaplan: Im not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy.
Rachel: I know!
Mr. Kaplan: Ill bet your thinking, Whats an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee? Eh?
Mr. Kaplan: Eh.
Rachel: Oh, you got me.
Mr. Kaplan: Well, dont think I havent noticed your potential. Well, Ive got a project for you thats a lot more related to fashion. How does that sound?
Rachel: Oh, that sounds great.
Mr. Kaplan: Come on over here, sweetheart. (they walk over to a storage closet)
Rachel: Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much.
Mr. Kaplan: (opening the closet door revealing that its full of tangled up hangers.) I need these hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) Youre welcome.
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking to Monica about her job.]
Rachel: Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it.
Monica: I know honey, Im sorry.
Rachel: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because its remotely related to the field theyre interested in.
Monica: (gives her a look) Gee, I dont know Rach. Order up!! I got a Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy!
Rachel: Oh honey, come on, Im sorry, I didnt.... I dont mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom.
(A guy at the end of the table starts laughing.)
Rachel: (to him) Hi! Is my misery amusing to you?
Guy: Im sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah.... (starts to laugh again)
Rachel: Its not funny, this is actually my job.
Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-Ive been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus.
Rachel: Oh well then, so Im just going to go back to talking to my friend here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger.
Guy: Ah, just one other thing.
Guy: I ah, I work at Bloomingdales and I might know of a job possibility if your, if your interested?
Rachel: (looks at Monica) (to him) Do you want my pickle?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, its Joeys party.]
Gunther: (to Monica and Phoebe) Hey guys.
Monica: Hey Gunther. Hi. (to Phoebe) I mean youre going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs?
Phoebe: Well, hes very charming.
Monica: I know, hes too charming, but if you two start going out, then its just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him.
Phoebe: Well, youre just gonna have to try.
Monica: Joey, where are the Jell-o shots?
Joey: I dont know, Chandler is supposed to be passin em around...
(Camera cuts to show Chandler giving a Jello shot to the ceramic dog and holding an empty tray of Jello shots.)
Ross: Oh, somebodys feeling better.
Monica: (to Chandler) Stick out your tongue.
Chandler: (to Monica) Take off your shirt!
(Chandler sticks out is tongue and its a horrible shade of green.)
Monica: Oh my!!
Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka.
Chandler: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make.
Rachel: (entering, to Ross) The most unbelievable thing happened to me today.
Rachel: Hi! So Im out having lunch at Monicas and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdales and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and hes gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview!
Rachel: I know!
Ross: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?
Ross: And hes, hes a total stranger?
Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something.
Ross: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex.
Ross: Well, Im just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason.
Rachel: To be nice.
Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?
Joey: No, only for sex.
Ross: Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me?
Rachel: I didnt have to, because I was wearing my I heart Ross sandwich board and ringing my bell.
Joeys Sisters: (entering) Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! (all 7 of them look almost identical)
Joey: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey!
Chandler: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?
Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joeys sisters.
Chandler: Hi Joeys sisters!
Phoebe: (to one of his sisters, Cookie) Hey!
Cookie: Hey. What are we drinkin over here.
Phoebe: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice.
Cookie: No kiddin, thats the exact same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband.
Phoebe: Wow. Okay, I dont know how to talk to you.
(Cut to Chandler)
Sister 1: (to Chandler) What cha doing?
Chandler: Oh, Im taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer.
Joeys Sisters: Oh!!
Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, its a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why cant we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joeys sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have.
(Cut to Ross and Monica)
Ross: Yeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark guy that ah, Rachel met today.
Monica: Isnt that great?
Ross: Oh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good. He sounds like a nice, good guy.
Monica: Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean, y'know what, when he left I actually used the phrase, Hummina-hummina-hummina. (walks away)
Ross: Thats excellent.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]
Ross: (to Rachel) So, hes just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesnt want anything in exchange for helping him?
Rachel: Well, I assume Ill have to take showers with him, but y'know, thats true of any job.
(Chandler enters hungover and groaning)
Monica: How ya feelin?
Chandler: Well, my apartment isnt there anymore, because I drank it.
Phoebe: Whered you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.
Chandler: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.
All: Woooo hoooo!!!
Chandler: Ow, no woo-hooing, no woo-hooing.
Phoebe: Why, what happened?
Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joeys sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, thats not the worst part.
Monica: What is the worse part?
Chandler: I cant remember which sister.
Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Dont tell me men are not nice! (points to Chandler) This is men!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kill you, hes actually going to kill you dead.
Chandler: Okay! You dont think I thought of that?
Phoebe: How can you not know which one?
Rachel: I mean thats unbelievable.
Monica: I mean, was it Gina?
Ross: Which one is Gina?
Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.
Monica: No, no, no, thats Dina.
Chandler: (to Monica) You see you cant tell which one is which either, dwha!!
Phoebe: We didnt fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha!
Chandler: Veronica. Look, its got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
Monica: That was me.
Chandler: Look, when Ive been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and Im sorry.
Monica: Thats okay.
Rachel: Thats all right.
Ross: Thats okay.
Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?!
Ross: Hey, Joey.
Rachel: Hey. (they all walk away from Chandler)
Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him)
Chandler: Why cant we talk in here? With, with, witnesses.
Joey: I just got off the phone with my sister.
Ross: Ah, which, which one?
Monica: Y'know which one was she again?
Joey: Why dont you ask Chandler, cause hes the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just gettin over Janice by groping my sister.
Chandler: Its gotta be the first one.
Joey: Really? Thats great! You and my sister, sittin in a tree.
Chandler: Yep, Im in a tree.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is writing letters as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Did he call? Did Mark call?
Monica: No honey, Im sorry, but the weekends not over yet.
Rachel: Oh. (we hear laughing from the upstairs apartment) Oh my God, is that Phoebe?
Monica: I guess theyre back from their date.
(He starts to play music.)
Rachel: Music. Very nice.
(We hear them start making out upstairs.)
Monica: Oh my God!
Rachel: So, how are you?
Monica: I am good. I finished my book.
(Things start to get really hot upstairs.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, whats it about?
Monica: I dont remember. Do you wanna take a walk?
Rachel: Yeah, I do. (they both run out)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a letter that Chandler wrote.]
Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. Hows it going. This is the hardest letter Ive ever had to write. (to Chandler) What the hells a matter with you? How do you think Joeys going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter?
Chandler: Well, thats the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually Ill be in Cuba.
Ross: All right, look, look, youve got to do this yourself, okay in person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy.
Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?
Ross: Where in Cuba?
[Scene: Joeys sisters house, Chandler hits himself on the head three times and knocks on the door three times. Joey answers it.]
Chandler: (shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?
Joey: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you?
Chandler: Im here to see Mary-Angela.
Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come in, and he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, cause my Grandma doesnt know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.
Chandler: Wheres Mary-Angela?
Joey: Shes right in there. (motions to the living room)
(Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all of Joeys sisters, all wearing red.)
Joeys Sisters: Hey, Chandler!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.]
Rachel: I cant believe Mark didnt call. Its Sunday night, and he didnt call.
Rachel: (to Ross) Yeah, right. Look at you, youre practically giddy.
Ross: No, Im genuinely sorry the Mark thing didnt work out. Look, Rach, I want only good things for you.
Monica: Wait a minute, why dont you just call Mark. (they both look up in shock) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, youve got to make stuff happen.
Ross: But, you, you dont want to seem too pushy.
Monica: (to Ross) Honey, its not pushy, he gave her his home number.
Ross: (to Rachel, as she gets his number) What, he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to his home?
Rachel: Yeah, and you dont mind if I call, because you only want good things for me.
Ross: Thats right good things, that-that is what I said. (glances at Monica)
Rachel: (on phone) Hello, Mark? Hi, its Rachel Green. (listens) Oh no, dont you apologize. (listens) Yeah, Ill hold. (to Monica and Ross) He left my number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers.
Ross: That is so made up!
Rachel: (on phone) Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow! That, no, its perfect. Oh God, thank you soo much. Great! Bye! (hangs up phone) I got the interview!
Ross: There you go.
Rachel: He even offered to meet me for lunch tomorrow to prep me for it.
Monica: Oh, that is amazing!
Ross: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, Id expect nothing less.
Rachel: I got to figure out what Im going to wear.
Ross: High collar and baggy pants say Im a pro.
Rachel: Yeah! Right! Okay, Ill see you guys later. (starts to leave) Woo hoo!
Ross: You go get em. (to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way?
Ross: Why dont you call him?! Well, thank you very much! Y'know now he is going to prep her, y'know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically remove the boyfriend!
Monica: Are you crazy?!
Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.
Monica: What?! Ross y'know this isnt even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if youre right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too?
Monica: I mean dont you trust her?
Ross: Well, yeah!
Monica: Then get over yourself! Grow up!
Ross: (shyly) You grow up.
[Scene: Joeys sisters house, theyre finishing up dinner.]
Chandler: This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela?
Joeys Grandmother: No! I did!
Chandler: Well, its, its yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it?
Joeys Grandmother: Of course! Its her favorite.
Chandler: So um, Mary-Angela, whats your second favorite?
Joeys Grandmother: More of Grandmas teramisu.
Chandler: Would you just please....give me the receipt cause this is great. Its top notch.
Joeys Grandmother: That dies with me.
Chandler: So will I.
Joeys Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesnt mean anything.
Joeys Sister: (whispering in his ear) Just do it.
Chandler: Will you excuse me I have to um..... (walks to the hall)
[Cut to the hall, Joeys sister runs up and grabs Chandlers butt.]
Chandler: (startled) Hey!
Joeys Sister: Finally, I thought wed never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. (kisses him)
Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and Im not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.
Joeys Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the softest lips.
Chandler: Ahhhh, youre not Mary-Angela.
Joeys Sister: No, Im Mary-Theresa.
Chandler: This is so bad. If-if youre not Mary-Angela, then-then who is?
Mary-Angela: (standing behind Chandler) I am!
Chandler: Oh, this is soo bad. (doesnt see Mary-Angela)
Chandler: No Joey! No Joey! Dont Joey! Joey!
Joey: Whats goin on?
Chandler: (pats him on the shoulder) Youre it! Now run and hide!
Mary-Theresa: Its no big deal. Chandler was just kissin me because he thought I was Mary-Angela.
Joey: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela?
Chandler: I wasnt sure which one Mary-Angela was. (all of Joeys sisters gasp) Look, Im sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar.
Joeys Sister: I say, punch him Joey.
All: Yeah! Punch him!!
Chandler: Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brothers not going to punch me. (to Joey) Are ya?
Joey: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I just never thought youd be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?!
Chandler: Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, youre my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again.
Cookie: So what. I say, punch him.
All: Yeah! Punch him! Punch him!
Joey: No! No! No! No, Im not going to punch Chandler.
Cookie: Ill do it.
Joey: No you wont. Look he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, hes sorry. But, (to Chandler) youve got one more apology to make, all right, youve got to apologize to Mary-Angela.
Chandler: Okay, absolutely!
Joey: All right.
Chandler: Youve got it. (he starts to look at his sisters, but he still doesnt know which one is Mary-Angela.)
Joey: Cookie, now you can punch him!
Chandler: What?! (Cookie punches him)
[Scene: A lobby, Ross is waiting for Rachel, after her interview.]
Rachel: (getting of the elevator and noticing Ross) Hey!
Rachel: What are you doing here?
Ross: Ah y'know, this building is on my paper route so I... (gives her a flower)
Ross: Hi. (kisses her)
Ross: Howd did it go?
Rachel: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldnt shut up.
Ross: Im so proud of you.
Rachel: Me too!
Ross: Listen, Im ah, Im sorry Ive been so crazy and jealous and, its just that I like you a lot, so...
Rachel: I know.
Rachel: Yeah. (turns around) Hi Mark!
Mark: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job.
Rachel: Oh, I did!
Rachel: (to Ross) Oh my God!! (she turns around and hugs Mark, not Ross)
Ross: Congratu!! (sees her hug Mark) -lations-lations.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The entire gang is there.]
Monica: So ah, Phoebe, how was your date?
Phoebe: Oh well y'know. (laughs)
Monica: Yeah, I do know.
Phoebe: Ick, you were eavesdropping.
Rachel: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.
Phoebe: Oh, Im sorry. But I really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me.
(We hear the sound of a bed creaking through the ceiling, and him moaning.)
Ross: Maybe hes just jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it?
(We hear a women start moaning.)
Ross: Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too?
Joey: All right, thats it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. (gets up) This guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! (stops and turns around and asks Rachel) But, is he a big guy?
Ross: Ah, well all go. (motions to Chandler) Come on. (the guys leave)
Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Thank you.
Chandler: Dont worry.
Phoebe: God, I hope they kick his ass!
Rachel: Honey, Im sorry.
Monica: Y'know if its any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you. (Rachel nods in agreement)
(We the guys knock on the door upstairs, and the guy answering it.)
Guy: (muffled) May I help you?
(We hear the guys start to attack him, but the guy manages to calm them down and gets them to agree to what he did. Monica throws up her hands in disgust.)