Written by: Brian Boyle
Transcribed by: Samantha Stein
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment, everyone except Ross is decorating the tree.]
Chandler: Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights.
Rachel: Thats a good story, Grandpa.
Ross: Wow, Monicas letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or?
Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. Its about being with the people that you love.
Phoebe: That is nice and were done. TADA!
(Her side of the tree looks a complete mess)
Chandler: I dunno what it is, it just doesnt quite feel like Christmas to me.
Monica: Oh, here.
(She turns the tree around so that her side, which is perfectly decorated, is showing)
Chandler: See now it feels like Christmas!
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Joey are there.]
Ross: and thats the story of the dreidle. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolising lifes triumph over death. And that was like 4000 years ago.
Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.
Joey: Hey you guys.
Chandler: Hey Joe whats up?
Joey: I had to get out of the apartment. Janine is like stretching all over the place. Yknow, everywhere I look shes like (He imitates her stretching)
Chandler: I can see why thats hard to resist.
Joey: I like her so much!
Monica: Aw, Im sorry sweetie that she doesnt feel the same way.
Joey: I know. And shes so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair.
Chandler: You are aware that shes not a monkey, right?
Ross: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot, but now shes like OLD NEWS!
Janine: Hey guys!
Ross: Hi Janine!
Janine: I just got a call to be a dancer on a television special for New Years Eve. Its called some sort of Dickn Rockn Dickie Eve.
Monica: Hold it! Are you talking about Dick Clarks New Years Rocking Eve?
Janine: Yeah, thats what I said.
Monica: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I have been watching it since I can remember!
Chandler: Ah, youre still just a little fat girl inside arent you? (He kisses her on the cheek)
Janine: Well Im gonna be on it this year. Im gonna be one of the party people.
Ross: Youre gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most!
Janine: Well they said I should bring someone. (To Joey) Do you wanna be my dance partner?
Joey: Totally! I would love to spend New Years with you.
Janine: Well actually theyre taping tomorrow. I dont really understand why.
Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that.
Janine: Yeah well, do you guys wanna come too?
Ross: Are you serious?
Monica: We are there!
Chandler: What, what are you laughing at?
Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but youre still going out with her!
(Gunther brings Janine a coffee)
Janine: Thanks. (To Monica and Ross) Great so we can all go together! I gotta run. Catch you later!
Ross: Bye Janine!
Joey: Did she just ask me out on a date?
Chandler: I dont think so.
Monica: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium!
Rachel: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, Im sorry, but I dont think that was a romantic thing.
Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. Were going to a New Years Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Yknow? But if she says Dude, what the hell are you doing? I can say It wasnt me, it was New Years!
Rachel: Well, thats a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick.
Ross: It was a dry day.
Monica: We are going to Dick Clarks New Years Rocking Eve!
Ross: Oh my God!
Monica: Oh my God!
Chandler: (To Rachel) Oh my God!
[Scene: The Set, Joey, Janine, Ross and Monica are walking in.]
Joey: OK, listen Ive been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? Its a show, but were just dancing, OK? Its no big deal. The important thing to remember stay cool.
Ross: Got it!
(They get to the main stage)
Ross: Oh my God its just like I dreamed it!
Director: OK, everyone gather up.
(Monica and Ross push to the front)
Monica and Ross: Scuse us
Director: Heres whats gonna happen. The musics gonna start, youre gonna dance, were gonna tape, you dont look at the camera. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah, I have a question. When is this gonna air?
(He and Monica laugh)
Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.
Joey: Ross! So when is it gonna air?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
Chandler: I can save you time ladies, Im right here.
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why dont you take a walk? This doesnt concern you.
Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
Chandler: What? Thats terrible!
Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!
Chandler: Oh well, that makes it not terrible.
Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! Shes always best at us that wily minx.
Rachel: Dont worry, were just gonna search here for an hour, them were gonna go over to Joeys and search, OK?
Chandler: No not okay, you cant look for Monicas presents!
Phoebe: But we have to!
Chandler: No, you dont have to, and you cant because I live here too.
Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.
Rachel: Chandler, arent you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Phoebe: Oh, thats it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea!
Rachel: Chandler, thats not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And youve just gotten her one great present? I mean thats just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler: If I help, we can find em faster!
Rachel: Thats right!
(Phoebe looks under the couch)
Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
Rachel: Oh, its a Macys bag!
(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)
Phoebe: Ooh, whos it for?
Rachel: (Reading) Dear losers, do you really think Id hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew theyd break you.
Phoebe: Uh-oh. She may be onto us.
Rachel: We are so gonna find them this year.
Chandler: Yknow when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you dont, you dont do that every year do you?
Chandler: You dont, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?
Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that
(They turn away.)
Chandler: Because thats where Joey gave me some stuff to store that Ive never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.)
[Scene: The Set, everyone is dancing.]
Monica: Okay, here comes another camera.
Ross: Right. No biggie. Stay loose.
(As the camera passes by, they start to dance really rigid, but the camera is facing the other way.)
Ross: Why do they keep doing that?
Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those platforms. Theyve been taping those people up there all day.
(They move towards a platform, dancing really strangely as they go)
Ross: Hey, whatd you guys do to get up on there?
Girl: We learned how to dance.
Monica: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on underpants?
(Camera pans to Joey and Janine)
Janine: Hey! Youre a good dancer!
Janine: Yeah, well youd be better if you just loosened your hips a little.
Joey: What do you mean?
Janine: Like this.
(She pulls Joey towards her and dances really close to him.)
Janine: Thats it, feel the rhythm. Thats better.
Director: (To Joey) Okay, youre dancing with that girl over there.
Joey: No-no-no-no-no we came together!
Director: I dont see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)
Joey: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and I think I have a shot.
Director: Really, ythink so? I dont..
(He leaves, and this girl grabs Joey and starts dancing really wild.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are there and Chandler enters.]
Chandler: I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-hey, oh hey!
Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats.
Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap!
Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for you.
Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great!
Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing?
Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great gift!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz.
Chandler: Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay?
Rachel: Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey!
(Chandler does the weird clicky thing again.)
[Scene: The Set, the girl is still dancing with Joey.]
Joey: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the bathroom? I just.. (The girl starts dancing really close to him, so he picks her up, twirls her round, and puts her against a platform) Here we go. (He walks away to find Monica and Ross doing a really out of place dance) Looking good Gellers!
Ross: We know!
Monica: Hey, see that snippy guy over there? Hes the one who decides who gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him.
(They dance over to him.)
Director: Okay, everybody hold!
(Ross and Monica high-five)
Director: Next on the platforms are (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where hes pointing to. He points away from them) you two! And (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) You two!
Monica: Excuse me, sir, would it help if I werent wearing underpants?
Ross: Monica! (Pause) Would it?
(The director shakes his head.)
[Scene: The Mens Bathroom, the tall guy is there as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about that girl that youre dancing with.
Tall Guy: Shes nice, huh? To think I almost brought my wife to this!
Joey: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came with that girl, and I had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown Im trying to win her over, so I was wondering if..
Tall Guy: No I dont think so.
Joey: Oh come on man, you can dance with my partner, shes real, uh, mellow!
Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you came with?
Joey: Well, I was hoping after tonight that maybe I could you know
Tall Guy: No, no. Shes fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy!
Joey: Alright, alright, hey yknow fair is fair, (he pretends to wash his hands) if youre right, youre right, what can I say, but hey oh no! (He throws water on the guys pants)
Tall Guy: God! What are you, in second grade?
Joey: Hey, now youre the one who wet his pants. (He throws another handful on him and runs out)
[Scene: The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing.]
Monica: Man, this sucks! Yknow if Mom and Dad dont see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, whos gonna be the losers then?
Ross: Hey, I know whatll get us up on a platform!
Ross: The routine!
Monica: Ross, we havent done the routine since middle school.
Ross: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, hell wanna build us our own platform!
Monica: Was it really that good?
Ross: We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, its almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice?
Monica: Okay, lets do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced!
(They move into a space, and Ross points to his eyes and then to hers)
Monica: 5 6 7 8!
(They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have to watch it. Im sorry.)
(When they finish, they walk over to the director)
Ross: So, do we really have to ask whos going up on the platform next?
Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!
Monica: Yes! (They run over to a platform)
Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, theyre gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again its gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybodys excitement.
[Cut to Joey and Janine]
Tall Guy: Hey, pal, you have about three seconds to get away from my partner.
Director: Whats going on over here?
Joey: Uh, take a look at the guys pants! I mean, I know you told us to show excitement, but dont you think he went a little overboard?
Director: Whats the matter with you? Get out of here!
Joey: Yeah, take a hike wetpants!
(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)
[Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a platform!]
Ross: Can you believe this? Were gonna be on the platform for the Millennium moment!
Monica: I know! Hey, you havent been practising the routine, have you?
Monica: Me too!
Ross: Hey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe goind into the robot, yknow? (He mimics a robot)
Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we dont wanna look stupid!
Director: Alright were back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)
Joeys Head: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny.
All: Three, Two, One!
Joey: No! Year! Happy No Year!
Director: Okay, heres where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone thats a wrap!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment, Chandler and Rachel are there, and Phoebe enters with the Chick and the Duck.]
Phoebe: Hey! Look who I found!
Chandler: Oh, hey guys!
Phoebe: Yknow, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden.
Chandler: Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter.
Phoebe: Or we could just follow your clever jokes any ideas? No! Didnt think so! Okay, cmon guys, show us where the presents are!
Chandler: Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica thats as good as garbage?
Phoebe: Hmm, how about my azzz?
(Rachel sits on the window seat, and knocks against it)
Rachel: Hey, this is hollow.
Rachel: This bench, its hollow! I cant believe I never knew that! (She pushes all the pillows off it and opens it up) Oh, the presents!!!
Phoebe: No, dont look directly at them!
Phoebe: Alright, no, we could look at them!
Rachel: Oh, this ones for me!
Phoebe: Oh, this ones for Chandler. Here.
Chandler: Oh great!
Phoebe: And the big ones for me!
Rachel: Ooh, lets open them!
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay!
Phoebe: Hee hee!
Chandler: Wait, we cant do this.
Phoebe and Rachel: Why?
Chandler: I dont wanna know what Monica got me. Yknow? I mean, look, Im sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about.
Rachel: Whatever Linus, Im opening mine.
Chandler: Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I dont know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monicas face when I give her my present, and Im sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back?
Phoebe: Will you get us better gifts?
(Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.)
Monica: Hey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier?
Chandler: Thats what you got me?
Phoebe: Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless.
(Rachel leans over to look at him.)
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, they both enter.]
Joey: Home sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get back to reality. Plus we know how the New Years gonna go off. I guess theres no reason for all that Y2K panic, yknow? Anyway, gnight!
Janine: (She takes his hands) 3, 2, 1. (She kisses him) Happy New Year.
Joey: Oh, yoii. What was that for?
Janine: Well, I dont know tonight when they yelled cut and we didnt get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to kiss you
Joey: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to kiss you too. In the moment.
Janine: In the moment, yeah.
Joey: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna kiss again?
Janine: Sure, New Years Eve is only two weeks away. Can you wait?
Janine: Me neither.
Joey: 3, 2,
Janine: Joey, you dont have to count down every time we kiss.
Joey: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I needed a couple of seconds to get ready.
(They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Joey is there.]
Monica: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled CUT!
Rachel: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from eighth grade?
Monica: Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. (To Ross) Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me!
Rachel: Cos I was gonna say theres no way you couldve done the end the way you guys did it back then!
Monica: What? We could do it!
Ross: I dont know, I mean you were a lot bigger, I mean, stronger back then.
Monica: I can do it, okay? Come on, lets go. (She and Ross get up)
Monica and Ross: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Ross runs to be caught by Monica, but she moves out of the way)
Monica: I cant do it! (Ross falls into Monicas room)
Chandler: Now you do that, youre on TV.