Written by: Dana Klein Borkow
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Rachels Hospital Room, Ross is sitting next to Rachel.]
Ross: You said youd marry Joey?
Rachel: Okay you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I would have said yes to anybody. Like that time you and I got married! (Pause) Im not helping.
Ross: So you said yes to him, and you just had our baby?
Rachel: That is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give the mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go.
Ross: So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again, you were engaged to my best friend.
Rachel: WellReally? I thought Chandler was your best friend.
Ross: Well, Chandlers my oldest friend, but Joeys myNo! Ah! (points at Rachel)
Joey: (Enters) Hey you guys Im gonna take off. I just wanted to let you guys know, say goodbye.
Ross: Rachel said shed marry you?!
Joey: (He looks around the room) This isnt the right room, sorry folks. (leaves)
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are waiting for Ross and Rachel to come home and Monica is looking at the sign Phoebe bought that says, "Its a Boy!"]
Monica: Ok, I dont wanna be negative so Ill say that most of the signs you bought are good.
Phoebe: No they ran out of "Its a girl" but I can fix this one, (She writes "not" in between its and a) See?
Monica: (looking at Chandler sleeping with a balloon in his mouth) So sexy. (Waking him up.) Honey.
Chandler: Yea yea. (Pulls the balloon out of his mouth)
Monica: Honey why dont you go lie down.
Chandler: No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office (Pulls another balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing them?
Joey: Whyre you so tired?
Chandler: Couldnt sleep last night you know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldnt sleep. Yknow? I was like, if I fall asleep now Ill get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now Ill get five hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldnt fall asleep.
Joey: You know what you shouldve done, you should have told yourself that little story.
Rachel: (enters with Emma) Hi!
Everyone: Hi, welcome home!
Monica: Phoebe did the signs!
Rachel: Oh you guys thanks for doing this.
Phoebe: Look at all the stuff people sent!
Rachel: Oh Ah! (Sees a big stuffed gorilla) Oh my gosh theres something every mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment! What are people think (Reads the card) Oh you guys I love it.
Joey: Hey so wheres Ross?
Rachel: Hes downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.
Joey: Is he still mad at us?
Rachel: Well, you more then me, but he cant stay to mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby.
Joey: Thats not fair! I cant do that.
Rachel: Yeah, Im not so sure you should be here when he comes up.
Joey: See this is what I was afraid of, I didnt think I should be here either but somebody (Looks at Chandler) said hed be over it by now.
Chandler: Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.
[Scene: A Boardroom, Chandler keeps drifting off to sleep at his meeting.]
Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago, and London are consistently solid, but many of our officers have reported disappointing fields.
(Chandler drifts off and his arm slips off the table and he wakes back up.)
Ms. McKenna: Boston is down, Atlanta is down, Houston is down, I could go on and on but instead of boring you Ill go straight to my forty two point plan.
(Chandler leans over to fall asleep on the mans shoulder next to him, only the man catches his attempt.)
Chandler: Walter (nods).
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Phoebe, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are watching Emma sleep.]
Phoebe: Shes just so cute! I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy.
Monica: Phoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a pita pocket.
Ross: (enters from the bed room) Okay I put most of the stuff away.
Rachel: Oh great, the pacifiers?
Ross: In the closet.
Rachel: The burping clogs?
Ross: Linen closet.
Rachel: The diapers?
Ross: In the hospital.
Phoebe: Wow you guys got a hospital? Fancy!
Ross: No I left the diapers at the hospital! Theres some in the bag but Ill run out and get some more.
Rachel: Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin?
Ross: Sure what kind?
Rachel: Umm let me think...What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t...
Ross: Please take your time, its an important decision. Not like, say, I know! deciding to marry someone, this is about a muffin.
Ross: Blueberry it is.
Monica: Wow, hes really not letting this go, is he?
Rachel: God how long do you think thats gonna last?
Phoebe: I dunno, well he got over the "We were on a break" thing really quickly.
Rachel: Yknow I cant even worry about that right now, cause I got the cutie little baby, oh I cant believe how much I love her, I cant get enough of her, like right now I miss her. I actually miss her.
Phoebe: You know thats thats her.
Rachel: Oh god look at her sleeping. Oh, I love her so much! Oh, I think Im gonna wake her up.
Phoebe: Oh no, Rach, no no, you know youre never supposed to wake a sleeping baby.
Rachel: Well I can do whatever I want! I made her! (Waking Emma up.) Come on little girl, hi!
(Emma starts crying)
Phoebe: I can say I told you so but shes kinda doing that for me.
Rachel: Oh Im sorry mummys so sorry go back to sleep go back to sleep. Shh. Shhh! Go back to sleep
(Emma continues crying in the background)
Monica: Breaks your heart doesnt it
Phoebe: It really does how long do you think we have to stay?
[Scene: A Boardroom, Chandlers meeting continues.]
Ms. McKenna: Ok if everyones on board, its settled, Chandler, (Walter puts his hand on Chandlers hand, Chandler sleeping puts his hand on top of his, he then wakes up and pulls his hand away) Chandler?
Ms. McKenna: Are you on board?
Chandler: (not knowing what hes saying yes to) Yes.
Ms. McKenna: Then, problem solved. Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa. Youre gonna love Oklahoma.
(Chandler smiles and nods then realizes what hes agreed to.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Emma continues crying while Rachel, Monica and Phoebe try different methods to stop her crying.]
Phoebe: Well, alright, we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe!
Monica: Alright heres something, it says to try holding the baby close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side.
Rachel: Ok. (Starts swinging Emma rapidly and she stops crying)
Monica: It worked!
Rachel: Oh (happy) oh no just stopped to throw up a little bit. (Emma starts crying again.) Oh come on, what am I gonna do, its been hours and it wont stop crying.
Monica: Umm, she Rach, not it, she.
Rachel: Yeah, Im not so sure.
Monica: Oh my god, I am losing my mind.
Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Rachels muffin.]
Ross: Hey Gunther, can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go? (He puts a bag with diapers in it on the counter.)
Gunther: Diapers huh?
Gunther: So I guess Rachel had you baby?
Ross: Yep, can you believe it?
Gunther: Nope! I still cant believe she slept with you in the first place.
Ross: Huh? Ooh (laughs) you mean like a Huh?
Joey: (entering) Hey. (Ross turns to see who it is, and seeing its Joey he just ignores him and turns back around.) Ross, I know youre pissed at me, but we have to talk about this.
Ross: Ah actually we dont. (Ross walks off)
Joey: Fine, fine okay. But I gotta say technically, I didnt even do anything wrong.
Ross: (turns back) What! (Angrily) You didnt do anything wrong?!
Joey: I said I didnt technically.
Ross: Okay lets put aside that you (Makes quote marks with his fingers.) "accidentally" picked up my grandmothers ring and you (Does it again) "accidentally" proposed to Rachel.
Joey: Look, can I just stop you right there for a second? When people do this (Makes quote marks with his fingers.) I dont really know what that means. (Ross just looks at him) You were saying?
Ross: And I can even understand that you couldnt tell Rachel, but why couldnt you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didnt.
Joey: I know I shouldve. (Makes quote marks again.) "Im sorry."
Ross: Not using it right, Joe.
(He brings his hands in closer to his face then does it again.)
Ross: Im gonna go.
Joey: No, come on Ross! (He grabs his bag so he cant leave) Look, Ross, we have to get past this.
Ross: Give me the bag.
Joey: No, look, I dont know what else to do. I said Im sorry!
Joey: You should scream at me, or-or-or curse me, or hit me.
Ross: Im not gonna hit you.
Joey: Why not? Youll feel better! Ill feel better, and you know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.
Ross: No I dont.
Joey: A little bit.
Joey: Little bit.
Joey: (excited) A little bit more.
Ross: Give me the bag.
Joey: No, hit me
Ross: Give me the bag.
Joey: Hit me.
Ross: Joey, give me the bag.
Joey: Hit me!
Ross: Joe Im not kidding
Joey: (interrupting) Hit me, hit me.
Joey: (shouts) Hit me! Hit me!
(Ross throws a punch, but Joey ducks and Ross punches the pole. Ross then screams from the pain and turns to Gunther, and Gunther has a huge smile on his face.)
Ross: You ducked!!
Joey: Im sorry! It was a reflex!
Ross: Oh my god, this really hurts!!!
Joey: I couldnt help it! When a fist comes at your face, you duck! Look! (He goes to punch Ross, expecting him to duck, but he doesnt and Joey punches Ross. Gunther is amused.)
Ross: What is the matter with you?!?
Joey: You were supposed to duck!!! Why didnt you duck?
Ross: Why dont we talk about this on the way to the hospital?
Joey: Good, good yeah, (Grabs the bags) maybe while were there, they can check your reflexes. (Joey opens the door and it hits Ross in the face with it.) (Makes quote marks.) "Oops."
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Emma is still crying.]
Monica: Try feeding her again.
Rachel: I already fed her.
Monica: I know, thats why I said again!
Phoebe: Alright you guys, we cant turn on each other, Okay? Thats just what she wants.
Chandler: (enters) Hey.
Chandler: Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute?
Rachel: Oh no, you guys, just stay here, Im gonna go check her diaper, Pheebs you wanna come?
Phoebe: Oh Im kinda part of this.
Chandler: Actually Pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing
Phoebe: I knew I should have married Chandler.
(Phoebe and Rachel go to the back room and Emma continues to cry in the background while Chandler and Monica talk.)
Monica: Okay whats up
Chandler: Umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could write and we could take a picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux?
Monica: Oh yeah (smiles).
Chandler: Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?
Monica: What? Who says that?
Chandler: People whove never ever been to Paris.
Monica: Whats going on?
Chandler: Were moving to Tulsa! (Makes a excited expression on his face)
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: Okay, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, she asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently, said yes.
Monica: (stands up angry) Tulsa, Oklahoma!
Chandler: The Sooner State, whatever that is.
Monica: Chandler, I dont even wanna see the musical Oklahoma!
Chandler: Really? Oh What A Beautiful Morning! Surrey With A Fringe On Top.
Monica: Are you trying to tell me that were moving to Oklahoma, or that youre gay? All right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?
Chandler: No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. (Monicas not impressed.) Ill get out of it.
Monica: Thank you.
Chandler: (hears Emma crying) What is wrong with Emma?
Monica: Oh she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to Tulsa.
[Scene: Ms. McKennas Office, Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Umm maam, do you have a minute? (She points for him to come in) I kind of have some bad news. I dont think I can move to Tulsa.
Ms. McKenna: What?
Chandler: Its a funny story, actually. (coughs) I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said Id move to Tulsa, I didnt really know what I was saying.
Ms. McKenna: You fell asleep?
Chandler: But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, aint that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright (he sits down). See, heres the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she wont go. See, me, I love Tulsa! Tulsa is heaven! Tulsa is ItalyPlease dont make me go there!
Ms. McKenna: Chandler, I
Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! (She glares at him.) Thats a picture of your daughter, isnt it, well shes lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. Ill call you from Tulsa. (Exits.)
[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is sitting in the lobby as Ross enters.]
Joey: Hey, so how is it?
Ross: I broke my thumb.
Joey: Your thumb? Thats weird. (Makes a fist.) You sure youre punching right? Make a fist. (Ross just looks at him with his thumb in a cast.) Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.
Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms. (Tries to hold the pen but cant)
Joey: You, you want me to help you with that?
Ross: Why, does it look like Im having trouble with my misshapen claw? (He hands Joey the form)
Joey: Name? (Ross looks at him.) I know Ross but whats it short for? You know like, like Rossel or Rosstepher.
Ross: Just Ross!
Joey: Its pretty, Okay date of birth?
Ross: You know my birthday.
Joey: Sure, May...tember.
Ross: October 18th.
Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.
Ross: Actually Im a palian Dinosaurs is fine the drawing is not.
Joey: Alright, who do you want as your emergency contact?
Ross: Ah, Rachel I guess.
Joey: Okay, relationship, boy this could take a while.
Ross: Just ah just put roommate.
Joey: Come on, you guys are more then that! I mean, youre gonna get together right?
Ross: I dont think that we are.
Joey: But you two were supposed to be together.
Ross: Well, I thought so too, but then she said shed marry you.
Joey: Come on, Ross, that didnt mean anything! She just had the baby, she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she would have said yes to anybody.
Ross: Yeah thats what she said.
Ross: So I dont wanna be just anybody.
Ross: You know what, its, its better this way anyway. I mean I dont know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. Its just much easier if were just friends who have a kid.
Joey: And youre Okay with that?
Ross: Yes. I mean, its what we always planned. And if you have a plan, you should stick to it. Thats why they call them plans. Hello? (Pause) Im fine.
Joey: Hey, for what its worth, with Rachel I dont think youll ever be just (Makes quote marks.) "anybody."
Ross: Hey there you go! (Smiles because Joey used it correctly)
Joey: (makes quote marks) "Thanks."
(Ross looks away, not bothering)
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Emma continues to cry.]
Rachel: Oh my God! How long has she been crying?
Monica: About a week and a half.
Phoebe: Well alright, looks like you guys have got it under control so Im just gonna go. (She gets up and Rachel looks at her, upset, and Monica just stares.) No! Really? Misery really does love company. All right! (She sits back down.)
Monica: Rach, try holding her a different way.
Rachel: You guys, Im doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try.
Phoebe: Alright, Ill try, fine! Yes, Okay!
Rachel: Here you go. (Hands Emma to Phoebe)
Phoebe: Shh! Nothing works with this child! (Hands her back.)
Rachel: Oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I cant even comfort my own baby! Im the worst mother ever!
Monica: Youre just new at this, itll get better, think about your first day at work. I mean, that couldnt have been easy but you figured that out.
Rachel: Yeah I dont think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh my god just please take her.
Monica: Okay Ill take her, here. (Takes Emma)
Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom. (Goes to the bathroom)
Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow. (Goes to scream into a pillow)
Monica: (To Emma) Bouncy baby, Bouncy baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby. (Emma stops crying and falls asleep)
Phoebe: (entering) Have I gone deaf?
Monica: It worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby!
Phoebe: You must be a fireball in bed.
Monica: I cant believe it! Shes asleep! I got her to go to sleep! I have actual magical powers!
Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds! I can hear the voices in my head again! (Monica looks at her strangely) Im kidding. (She smiles wickedly.)
Rachel: Oh my God! You got her to stop crying!
Monica: Yes I did, Im Monica, Super Aunt
Rachel: You are the official baby crier stopper!
Monica: Yes I am!!
Rachel: Youre never leaving the apartment!
Monica: Say what?
Rachel: Thats your new job, day and night, she starts crying I need you here.
Monica: (stands up to hand Emma back) Oh no no no no!
Phoebe: Thankfully you dont need me at all (gets up and to leave) so Okay Super aunt see you later! Rachel lets give it six to eight months (she leaves).
Rachel: Okay so listen Im gonna go lay down.
Rachel: You know the book says that whenever shes sleeping I should be sleeping so (She gives Monica thumbs and goes to lay down)
Chandler: (entering, loudly) Hey!
Monica: Shhh! We just got her to go to sleep
Chandler: Oh so there cant be any yelling.
Chandler: Were moving to Tulsa
Monica: (loudly) What!?
Chandler: Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! (Walks backwards towards the door) I cant, I cant hear you. (He runs out)
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Ross enters.]
Rachel: Heeeeey, where have you been? (He shows her his thumb) What happened to you?
Ross: Ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad you should see him.
Rachel: Oh no Ross! This is not good, we have to talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. (He sits) You have got to get over this Joey thing, okay? I never really wanted to marry Joey, okay?
Rachel: You know what I really really want?
Ross: What, Rach?
Rachel: I wanna sleep, I wanna eat, I wanna take a shower, I mean before she wakes up and we gotta do this all over again.
Ross: (smiles) Right.
Rachel: I mean I got news for you mister, Emma? Not easy.
Ross: Well, thats what Im here for. (Emma starts crying again) Want me to get that?
Rachel: No its really okay Monica!
Monica: (comes running out the kitchen to the bedroom) Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are sitting at one of the high tables.]
Joey: You know, ah, Ive been thinking about this and I gotta tell ya, its not my fault. Its a natural instinct.
Chandler: (enters) Hey, what you guys talking about?
Joey: Hey OK great, what would you do if I did this? (Swings to punch Chandler, he moves and he ends up punching Ross, knocking him off the stool. Ross then gets up and just stares at Joey.)