905 - The One With Phoebeís Birthday Dinner


Written by: Scott Silveri
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Christoph Pšper


[Scene: Central Perk. All except Chandler, plus Emma.]

Phoebe: Oh hey you guys, I couldnít get a reservation for the night of my birthday, so we have to do dinner Thursday night instead.

Joey: Thursday? But thatís Halloween.

Phoebe: So?

Joey: [Itís just] So spooky, thatís all.

Ross: So, so, is Mike coming to dinner?

Phoebe: No! Itís my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. Uch, I get mad at him, but I think itís a little to soon to show my true colors.

Rachel: Pheebs, I would make a reservation for five, because one of us has to stay home and watch Emma. (to Ross:) Which one of us should go to dinner?

Phoebe: Oh, Rachel!

Ross: Actually, um, I was thinking maybe both of us could go.

Phoebe: Oh, yay!

Ross: Thanks, I put a lot of extra thoughts on your gift.

Phoebe: Alright, okay, so we can all go now. That is fun. Hey, you know what? We all havenít been together the six of us in such a long time.

Monica: What are you talking about? Weíre all together right now.

Rachel: Um, Mon, Chandlerís not here.

Monica: Oh, dear god!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Tulsa, a conference room. Chandler is chairing a group of eight people.]

Chandler: Good morning everyone, itís nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? (colleague raises hand) Yes, Ken is it?

Ken: Thatís right. Is it true, that the reason you are here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to?

Chandler: (laughs) Well, donít believe everything you hear, Ken. (both turning away to files) But yeah, thatís true. Alright, letís get started, by take a look at last quarterís figures. (The female next to Chandler starts smoking, towards her:) Ah, Claudia, arenít you supposed to blow smoke up the bossesí ass?

Claudia: Iím sorry. Does the smoke bother you?

Chandler: No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I canít remember why. (to everyone:) Youíre not allowed to smoke in this office. Not right?

Claudia: Yes, in Oklahoma itís legal to smoke in offices with fifteen people or less. (passing the pack) Would you like one?

Chandler: Alright, loÖlook. I donít smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, itís fine. (everyone lights up) So you all smoke then? Thatís almost rude, that Iím not.

Ken: Thatís not true. If you donít wanna smoke Ö

Chandler: (loud) Ken, please! No, I canít, I canít smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.

Ken: Iím sorry, but isnít your wife back in New York?

Chandler: I always liked you, Ken. (takes a cigarette)

[Scene: The Bingsí. Monica in bathrobe, merely covered. Someoneís knocking at the door.]

Phoebe: (from outside) Trick or treat! (Itís obviously Halloween eve, the night of her birthday dinner.)

Monica: (opening the door) Hey!

Phoebe: Ooh, and treat it is. (Monicaís breasts.)

Monica: Hmhmm. (ties up)

Phoebe: Wow, so glad I changed. Almost wore my ??? outfit that canít contain my breasts.

Monica: This is not, what Iím wearing. Iím ovulating and Chandlerís gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would try before dinner.

Phoebe: Ohh. Oh wait! (Jis) you guys wonít be late for my dinner, will you?

Monica: Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. Weíll probably be the first ones there.

Phoebe: íkay, see you there. Happy humping! (outside meeting Chandler.) HeyÖhey! Oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh my god, donít people know, youíre not allowed to smoke in public spaces?

Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.

Phoebe: You smoked!

Chandler: No! I just happened tído a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called Leyhallalookoos.

Phoebe: (smells at him) Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.

Chandler: Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it?

Phoebe: Are you kidding? The woman has the nose of a bloodhound Ö and the breasts of a Greek goddess.

Chandler: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (embarrassed) Iím gonna go. (leaves to stairs)

Chandler: (getting in) Okay, something to cover the smell Ö Oven cleaner! (sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!

Monica: (naughty in doorway) Welcome home. Iíve missed you. join me in the bedroom?

Chandler: No thanks, Iím good.

Monica: (comes over) O-kay, so you wanna play it that way, do you?

Chandler: (shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so Iím feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.

Monica: You donít need a shower.

Chandler: (still backs away) Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences.

Monica: What do I smell? (sniffs him) I smell smoke. Huhódid you smoke?

Chandler: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two packÖaÖa carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. (How many cigarettes are there in one pack and how many packs in one carton in the US?) But itís over, I made a decision, Iím not gonna smoke anymore.

Monica: (gets a pack out of his jacket)

Chandler: But, those are for you.

[Scene: Ross and Rachelís. Ross phones, Rachel and Emma are there.]

Ross: Alright, weíll just, uh, see when you get here. Bye. (hangs up) Huh, that was my mom, sheís stuck in terrible traffic.

Rachel: Okay, well thatís now the third sign that I should not leave Emma.

Ross: Oh, what were the other two?

Rachel: Well, letís see. The first one is: I donít want to. And, you know, Iím not going.

Ross: I know, itís the first time, weíre leaving the baby and Ö hey, I know how hard it is for you, but Ö but Emma is gonna be fine. My mom is gonna be with her. Sheís great with kids.

Rachel: She is?

Ross: Ya.

Rachel: What about (?) Monica.

Ross: Hey, you only heard Monicaís side of that. That little fatso was a terror.

Rachel: Ish. I just donít think I can bear it.

Ross: Rachel, I know that you can. And you should.

Rachel: Uch.

Ross: Really, it would be good for you and in fact, why donít you, why donít you go ahead to the restaurant and I will wait for my mom and then Iíll meet you there.

Rachel: Oh-A.

Ross: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up the heels. Paint the town red. (Slang right?)

Rachel: You need to learn some new slang.

Ross: Iím serious. Címon, you should go. Here. (shoves her outside, while she tries to stay) No, uh-uh, just go.

Rachel: What Ö Oh! (points inside)

Ross: No! No, you know what? (closes the door) You [canít get in there] (?), the babyís fine, now squam (?). Yeah, [I told you a|Tell your] story walking. (?)

Rachel: I was just going to say that I left my keys.

Ross: Oh, (door is locked) holy molly are we in a pickle now.

[Scene: The restaurant. Phoebe and Joey are sitting alone at a table for six.]

Phoebe: Where is everyone? Theyíre forty minutes late.

Joey: I know, u-uch.

Phoebe: Iím starving. I know we were coming here tonight, I ate nothing all day.

Joey: What about me, he? Only had one lunch today.

Waiter: (with British accent) Soo, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?

Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing.

Waiter: Right. We do have a table for two available, perhaps you would be more comfortable.

Joey: No, theyíre cominí, weíre waitiní right here.

Phoebe: Joseph! (to waiter) Thou neednít worry, they shanít be long.

Waiter: Itís just that we do have some large parties waiting.

Phoebe: One really does have a stick up oneís ass. Doesnít one?

[Scene: The Bingsí.]

Monica: How can you smoke in this day of age? Do you not seen that ad with a little kid walks to grandpa, itís chilling.

Chandler: I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking.

Monica: So what? Donít you have any will power?

Chandler: Will power? Iíve watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs (?) without taking the tin foil off.

Monica: You said that was sexy!

Chandler: íkay, look: Can we just drop this? Iím not gonna smoke again.

Monica: Thatís right, because I forbid you to smoke again.

Chandler: You forbid me?

Monica: Mhmm.

Chandler: You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is she here by the way?

Monica: Donít joke (?) with me, okay? Iím very, very upset right now.

Chandler: Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?

Monica: Yes.

Chandler: Then, I might as well Ö (grabs the cigarettes) do this (lights one, exhales). Not really sure what to do now.

Monica: Well, Iíll tell you what weíre gonna do: We are already late for Phoebeís birthday dinner, so you point out put out that cigarette, weíre gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex.

Chandler: Fine. What!?

Monica: Sex! This is the last day Iím ovulating, and when we donít do it now, weíll have to wait till next month. (walks towards bedroom)

Chandler: You serious? (follows)

Monica: Oh yeah!

Chandler: Right, fine, Iíll do it, but no talking.

Monica: Huh, and no cuddling.

Chandler: And no kissing your neck.

Monica: Oh good, I hate it when you do that

Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck.

[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachelís.]

Ross: Okay, well the ??? is not home.

Rachel: No. Uch.

Ross: Oh-oh, wait, my mother is gonna be here any minute. And she has the keys.

Rachel: Alright, I canít, I canít wait that long. You have to do somethingóknock that door down!

Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, yÖyou know, everything is gonna be fine. The babyís sleeping.

Rachel: What if she jumped out the bassinet?

Ross: Canít hold her own head up, but yeah jumped.

Rachel: Oh my god, I left the water running.

Ross: Rach you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?

Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?

Ross: You never cooked since 1996. (Actually Rachel cooked in ď609 - TOW Ross Got HighĒ, first aired 1999-11-25.)

Rachel: Is the window open? Because if thereís a window open, a bird could fly in there.

Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think youíre right. I think Ö listen, listen!

Rachel: Ubb.

Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. (previously scared Rachel turns away) No, no wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty birdís aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby on its talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still up lays (?) are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment.

Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if thatís true.

[Scene: The restaurant with still just Phoebe and Joey.]

Waiter: Hello.

Phoebe & Joey: Hey.

Waiter: Itís been an hour. ??? be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table.

Joey: Maybe we should just eat now.

Waiter: You canít order until your entire party has arrived. Restaurant policy.

Joey: Wha-a how about this: Another table leaves, right? But thereís still some food left on their place, okay, whatís the restaurantís policy about people eatiní that?

Waiter: Estrangement (?).

Joey: But it happens? (waiter leaves) Iím gotta go to the bathroom.

Phoebe: No, you canít go. No-no-no, I canít hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I cave.

Joey: If you ask me to stay, Iíll pee. (leaves)

Maitre Dí: Good evening, Miss. (Phoebe turns her head away) Miss? (from the opposite side) Miss? (she turns again) Miss!

Phoebe: Okay, fine, Iíll move. Alright, you donít have to manhandle me. (gets up) Where? (he points at a smaller table) Okay. Thank you. Wach.

Joey: (returns to their old table where elderly people are sitting now, sits) Finally you guys made it. (looks up, turns left to Phoebeís chair) Pheebs, who the hellóuhuhh!

[Scene: The Bingsí bedroom, Chandler is undressing, Monica in bed already.]

Monica: Spend more time with the tie. Thatíll make a baby.

Chandler: Look, I canít do this. I canít make luv to you while weíre fighting this way.

Monica: Oh sure, now youíre Mister Sensitivity. But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncleís funeral

Chandler: That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, Iím not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby to be conceived?

Monica: No, youíre right. Mnya, we shouldnít do it like this. Huch. For what itís worth, Iím, Iím sorry. I shouldnít have come down on you so hard about the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, not the end of the world.

Chandler: Mean it?

Monica: Yah.

Chandler: You are incredible. Unless, IÖIím not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. (they kiss)

Monica: Díyou want to?

Chandler: Yeah, letís celebrate life!

Monica: íkay.

[Scene: Ms. Geller, Rachel and Ross storm into the apartment.]

Rachel: Och, god. (seeing Emma) Oh, thank god, youíre okay. Iím so sorry we left you. Mom never gonna leave you again. Never ever ever again. Uch.

Ross: Great. So letís get going?

Rachel: Oh no. I mean it. After what just happened, Iím never leaving her again.

Ms. Geller: I understand, separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset, he took off all his clothes, tucked his ??? between his legs and cried out: ďMommy, Iím a girl, take me with you.Ē

Ross: Somehow over time it got easier to be apart from you.

[Scene: Bings in bed, finished.]

Chandler: Uhh. You are welcome.

Monica: You know what? Letís not talk.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Uch. I am still so mad at you for smoking.

Chandler: But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettesóno big deal.

Monica: Oh, blablablabaybaybay.

Chandler: Leave it.

Monica: I was just saying that because I was ovulating and you said you wouldnít have sex with me while weíre fighting.

Chandler: You tricked me to get me into bed?

Monica: Thatís right, I got mine.

Chandler: I feel so used.

[Scene: Restaurant, still just the not-couple.]

Phoebe: Well, I guess theyíre not coming. You wanna just order?

Joey: Thank you. (stands up and kisses her lips.) Waiter! ílright, this is gonna be fast, so try to keep up: Risotto with the shaped truffles and the roasted rip steak with the golden Chanterelles and a Bordelaise sauce and that any that stuff I just said means snails. (Hope, *I* kept up.)

Waiter: Eródoes not.

Phoebe: Tomato tart and which of the pastas would you recommend?

Waiter: Oh, theyíre both exclusÖ

Phoebe: Both it is, thank you.

Joey: Oh, uh, again. Can I make a special request: Can you bring everything as soon as itís ready? Appetizers, entrees, we donít care.

Ross & Rachel: (entering) Hey, hi, hi!

Waiter: Iíll just wait to put your order in.

Phoebe: You guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two?

Ross: Iím so sorry Ö

Rachel: We got locked out of the apartment, we Ö

Joey: Thatís a great storyócan I eat it?

Ross: And then Rachel wasnít sure she could leave the baby.

Rachel: N-it wasnít easy, but itís your birthday and I did what I got to do.

Phoebe: And thatís Judy over there at the bar with Emma?

Rachel: Oh honey, this is for the best, thus Iím not distracted, worrying about Emma, how sheís doing at home and Iím being completely here with you and, oh, she spit up!

Ross: What?

Rachel: She spit up. Judy! She spiÖJudy! Look alive, Judy! (they sit down) Thank you.

Ross: Thanks. Oh.

Rachel: Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I ha-ave? What should I have?

Joey: (mumbling) Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman.

Ross: Yíknow this ??? is incredible.

Joey: Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach.

Ross: Okay, Iíll have the fixed salad and the duck.

Rachel: Yah, Iíll have the soup and the salmon.

Joey: And remember whatever comes up first. Okay? And hurry, because Ö

Monica: (entering with husband) Happy birthday!

Joey: Son of a bitch!

Phoebe: Wher-where have you been?

Monica: Well, we had a little fight.

Chandler: I would never lie to get someone into bed.

Monica: You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. (being sat down) Ooh, uh, thanks. Wow, little tight, isnít it? How díyou get a bigger table? You-you had a big table, but they made you move. Huh-huh, shut up Monica. Whoo, I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked duck.

Chandler: I suppose that Monica will have the Ö manipulative shrew.

Waiter: Iíll give you another minute.

Joey: Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew! (runs after the waiter)

Ross: Rach, címon, Emma is fine. Youíre turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop.

Rachel: Yíguys ever heard the story about when Rosses mom went to the beauty salon?

Chandler: You mean the lully story?

Ross: (childish) Huh-huh, they already know it.

Phoebe: You guys, weíve been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order.

Joey: (returned) No, no, itís okay, I already told the waiter what they want.

Monica: Why would you do that?

Joey: Chandler, control your woman!

Rachel: (lifts for a toast) Okay, as everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast Ö to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.

Phoebe: Aw Ö what?

Rachel: N-no, Emma dropped her sock.

Monica: Momís here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she told me she was out of town.

Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the babyís sock is on the ground.

Phoebe: ís a good toast.

Rachel: (to Ross) Could you please get her attention?

Ross: W-oa Ö Mommy! (gestures to his not understanding mother)

Phoebe: (getting up) Oh, for godís sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! (everybody scared) Iím sorry, was that rude? Di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt (?) the hideousness (?) that is this evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you are all so late and you didnít even have the courtesy to call. (her cellular rings) Well, itís too late now.

Ross: Well, ??? think thatís us?

Phoebe: well, this is, this is, this is not over! (on phone) Hello?

Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Well, what is going on with you two?

Monica: Uch, you see, Iím ovulating.

Chandler: Oh yeah, thatís what she says. But maybe youíre not ovulating at all, maybe itís just a clever ruse to get me into bed.

Monica: Yes smokie, that is what it was. I just canít get enough.

Chandler: (to Joey) You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her.

Joey: So? Did have sex, right?

Chandler: Whatís the matter with me? Why Iím such a girl?

Phoebe: (returns) Okay, that was Mike.

Rachel: Phoebe, hi, weíre so sorry. Youíre totally right. We are here one hundred per cent and we love you and we are ready to start your birthday celebration.

Phoebe: Mhuh, guys, that means the world to me. Huh, nkay, Iím gonna take off.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, Iím not tónot that kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! (waves to the bar) Judy! Bye.

Rachel: Oh thank god, if Phoebeís going, can we please take Emma home?

Ross: You know, I think thatís a good ideaóour babysitter just pounded in another Chardonnet. (both get up) Bye, yíguys.

Monica: Bye.

Joey: See ya. Well, this is just us.

Monica & Chandler: Mhum.

Monica: So, Iím, Iím probably still ovulating. Do you want to give it another try?

Chandler: So you never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?

Joey: Do, do you gonna do it now?

Monica: We donít have much time. Once the egg descended the oviduct Ö

Joey: No-ohoh. (the Bings leave, the waiter comes)

Maitre Dí: I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning.

Joey: Nah, just me. All alone. (all the food is served) Dinner for six for one, uh, you boys are about to see something really special.

Closing Credits

[Scene: continues, Joey finished everything.]

Waiter: How was everything, sir?

Joey: Excellent. The shrew in particular was exclusive.

Waiter: Well, I hope, you got some room left.

Waiters: (with birthday cake, singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Ö

Joey: Joey! Joey.

Waiters: Ö Joey, happy birthday to you.

Joey: Thatís the best birthday ever.

End